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Messages - imsorrynotsorry

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1
Hello Zvonko TM,

How are you holding up?

The underlying childhood issue can be one thing that opens the door to PMO, but later in life it could be something else. Right in the addiction cycle it's most likely the brain wanting more. You will feel better soon, hang in there.

Happy to hear something from you.

Imsor

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Peace through living
« on: July 06, 2020, 03:01:44 PM »
Welcome Frergstroh,

it's good to have you here.
The forum, the exchange with people who suffer the exact same problem has become very important for me, because i don't have to explain and no one gives me a creep look for what i'm saying. Therefore shame is not needed here and you sound like you are learning how to talk about porn with others without being ashamed. As a result, shame fades - good thing.

To respond to your question and the cravings.
For sure is, the cravings will drop after a period of not PMO. This you know because you experienced flatline before. When the flatline ends you have to be aware of triggers and learn about urge control, like 6PP. To stay away from PMO or 'the addicion' it is very helpful to talk to a psychiatrist and have a peer group like us. This will help you gain awareness of the problem in general. Like childhood, lack of emotions and purpose, bad habits, lifestyle - and i think this is the biggest part, when we discover all the branches of the addiction in every direction. Therefore, i or we are happy to be with you on that journey.

Imsor

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: July 06, 2020, 02:34:47 PM »
This is form my journal Reply #23 on: May 26, 2020:
Quote
Today something came up in my mind.
I asked myself, what is the addiction replacing in me?
What could it be that i want to turn in to or that i want that i'm not able to become or get.

PMO gave me that excitement of sth great, deep pleasure, uncompareable which then washed away any other concerns or other troubles, for some minutes. Since i stopped i never got exactly in that moment of a relapse opportunity to really hear into my soul.

Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.

For today i had to quote myself with something i thought is irrelevant, but after i heard the podcast of Consider before Consumption - Episode 20 with Jay Stringer, which i had out of the newest Gabe Deem video, it all is connected somehow.
In this podcast Jay Stringer talks about how people get to know porn and in which period of their live that was. He identifies five key childhood drivers of unwanted sexual behaviour, which i didn't really clearly can name out.
I have no idea if that really resonates with me, but it sounds reasonable.
To sum it up a bit. My parents got divorced when i was young and they never talked to each other again. As a result i was in the middle, mostly with my mum who was angry at my dad starting a new life with a new women, for not being present. My dad never understood what responsibilty for growing a child meant (i realised that way way later in life). Ok, my mum got a new husband after a while who had the exact same fucked up divorce with not talking to his exwife either. We ended up living in a new house, which was a huge step for all of us. All the time i hadn't had the feeling that someone is talking me through this all properly. In retrospective i was just with them, trying not to cause problems (which i then did for myself). After my brother was forced out to live with my father, because he messed up with my mum and the new husband, i went into his room and for the first time got access to internet by the age 13-14.
I promised to sum it up:
- i never wanted to cause problems to my mother (after my dad treated her badly after divorce)
- maybe i felt overwhelmed by our new life and didn't quite knew my role in it
- i was left alone in my room doing what i wanted to do (playing video games, watching porn, sucking at school seriously)
The relationship to my parents today is still sensitive. When there's a birthday happening of one person of the family, i feel very unpleasent not to go. Therefore i want to go, but the GF doesn't want to and that made me angry at her. In the end i realised, that it was the child in me not wanting the parents to be angry at. This year i finally understood that and that there is so much responsability that they didn't account for all my life and i should feel bad when not coming to some kind of family festivity? I managed to turned that around and i decided for myself, that they have to deal with the problems by themselves. I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved. Sadly i must say, i don't believe my parents are able to give this to me in the way i need it. Parents don't change and so do their habits. My mother is still intrusive and my dad is still the guy who can only focus on his self. It is very difficult to seperate this out of the relationship with them.

Anyway, i turned to porn in a period when the parents weren't really available for me and found something that gave me pleasure, power over what i wanted when i wanted it and connected to the bodys i've seen.
I could now quote tons of phrases of Jay Stringer that made me thinking about me and porn, but i just let it in the podcast or the transcript. I'm not quite sure how this is all connected, but it is worth to look at the point of my life when i turned to porn and maybe what i was seeking for.

To finish this i want to answer that question of myself:
Quote
Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.
Most likely not, because i'm sorting out and sorted out the trash in the relationship to my parents, i have a GF that loves me, i have power over myself and my well-being.

Thanks for reading.

Imsor

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: July 05, 2020, 08:48:05 AM »
Hello EarthWalker,

i just go running for about 45-60 mins without anything special. For me it is necessary that my running hobby is sustainable, therefore i don't need much improvement or need to feel 'the burn'. I've read quite a lot about running in general and how to avoid injuries. 2 times/week is perfect for the beginning, like first 12-24 months. In one session you can experience a bit of fartlek and the other just at a steady normal pace. Exercises for stretching for me is necessary, to avoid also injuries like 'runner's knee'.

After quick research i found the perfect site:
https://www.runnersworld.com/advanced/a20828929/train-at-the-right-intensity-ratio/

I like how you approach your goals. A good plan is always something one can count on. Also the facing of that inner child will give some sort of peace with things and will help you adress emotions.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: July 05, 2020, 05:16:47 AM »
You named it. The chaser can be so strong and that happens to me even when i O with the GF. The urges come or the libido is up in a weird way.
Good thing, chaser fades after a week i guess? At least, that's my experience with it.

6
Even though the chart seems to tell a story, i would like to hear your and DoneAtLast's interpretation of the data.
Looking forward.

7
Porn Addiction / Re: Help, voyeurism/creepshot fetish
« on: July 05, 2020, 05:09:22 AM »
Hey cowsnippet,

as explained before i want to mark that out again:
In the addiction the fetishes escalate to infinite - as we all experienced. You (we) need to understand that this escalation is just our brain seeking for heavier dopamin shots (novelty). Your fetish concern is existent, therefore i will not say that it isn't real, but it is a symptom of the addiction itself and it will fade over time when you rewire your brain.

For me the thought helped, that after i rewired i can have fun with normal intimacy with the GF and in the end i'm satisfied. This is (or has to be) enough for me right now. Anything else is a trap for me.

To deal with fear and anxiety there are a lot of ways you can find on the internet. We as rebootnation are here for you and every one of us believes in you to recover from that. Anxiety and fear lead to emotions that contribute to the addictive cycle, so it could be helpful for you to process those emotions and lead them somewhere else?

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: July 05, 2020, 04:55:09 AM »
Hello,

sure.

In this video Tara Brach explains her view on dealing with an addiction. I think it's influenced by buddhism:
Post #29 - 3 Arrows and Tara Brach Video

Out of the 'Becoming a Patreon of Gabe Deem Thread', in my humble opinion a good statement of Psyc Ops:
Psyc Ops Post on reward and general PMO

A refer to ShadeTrenicins 6 Point Plan to gain control of the immediate urge against autopilot takeover:
Shades 6 Point Plan

I can't say if anything of that will help improve your journey, but for me it was worth reading and processing it with my personal situation and my personality itself. I took out the parts that helped me, like one would repair a car with good replacement parts.

Feel free to share your thoughts.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: July 04, 2020, 04:42:21 PM »
Hello EarthWalker,

running for me is giving me so much pleasure and natural endorphines. It became very important to me over time, also i still have to overcome my lazyness to do it everytime. Running is kardio exercise and after running of 30-60 mins you'll feel good everytime and you will get more energy for everything else. This fits perfectly with your salads with nuts.

For socialising, maybe running at a running court makes sense? Just a thought.

Imsor

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: July 04, 2020, 10:23:38 AM »
Hello again,

Yes Shade, exactly. The concept of the three arrows is very important when one is in the relapse, reboot, relapse cycle. It will help to transform the emotions around the relapses.

I felt over the last days some kind of comfort and therefore hadn't had much of the feeling i should come to RN. Anyway, i have to come back and keep track of you and me - exchange.
Me an experienced person? Oh no. You know that we all had good streaks before and i was with PMO the last 20 years. So, 90 days are just a thin thin line compared to my PMO-timeline.

The last days i thought about different concepts of dopamin, rewards and PMO. PMO is one thing, but the cravings and the autopilot are another, when there's no impulse control. Impulse control is when you recognise your need and don't go for it or lead them somewhere else, in easy words. Like Psych Ops explained in another post, the rewards in general are a good and healthy motivator in life. It is the autopilot and maybe our inability to lead those impulses somewhere healthy.
With Shades 6 Point Plan it's similar, becoming aware of the impulse and then transform it into something else. Maybe you should add that last point to your 6PP? Lead the impulse into another activity to overwrite the neuronal pathway?
I found this concept on a site about decoupling when nails biting. And i must say, for me it was a bit like it, normally i would take the laptop and PMO, but now i type in rebootnation.org and do something healthy. Anyway, here's the site: http://www.tricotilomania.org/paneldecontrol/noticias/archivos/decoupling_for_TLC_19_2_10.pdf

I found a post of a guy who was super strict to find out about his impulse control:
https://yuki.la/fit/44873326

Beside of that i'm happy and feel good most of the time. It is strange how i get erections when at home. On the sofa, in bed, after waking up, near to the GF. I don't know why this happens but it feels a bit like my man is screaming for attention he doesn't get. Or it's just a symptom of rewiring.

I O'd over a week ago with the GF and my libido is up since then. I guess i just have to live with this until she is ready for intimacy again.

I was pretty drunk on Saturday. For this week i want to avoid alcohol.

Day 97:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« on: July 04, 2020, 09:59:28 AM »
Hey metal22,

Sorry to hear that, on the other hand, 14 days will pass quickly.
How are you holding up?

You did quite a favor to your friends, also in showing your excitement of their move near to you. In those situations i'll tell myself that i can't expect anything from them, because this could lead into a circle of expectations and frustrations. I'm quite sure they are really thankful for your job, even when people sometimes can't show because of their stressful lifes. Anyway, this wasn't your job and if they aren't pleased, remind yourself that it wouldn't have been your job in the first place, no insecurity needed.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: July 01, 2020, 10:41:36 AM »
Hey,

Yes man! Looking forward is great.
What is the podcast about and can you drop a link please?
Thanks

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Gaining control of Compulsive Masturbation
« on: July 01, 2020, 10:29:08 AM »
A small setback for a good comeback.

This issue of not being liked by others i know very well, because the GF is also dealing with this. She's also always about 'doing it right and satisfy everyone'. Mostly in her family and that's toxic, because it's not her being responsable for the joy of others, but somehow her parents let her think that way.
Anyway, it's good to know why that is and i like the idea of that's not your job of being liked by others. Who are the popular people anyway, in the end they are just like you and me.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: June 30, 2020, 03:39:50 PM »
Hello Orbiter,

Thank you so much.

Some days ago i thought about impulse control ans how it affects my daily life. How i never can say no to ice cream, drink beer although i didn't especially want it, eat chocolate to feed the need, have a look into the smartphone even when nothing happened, and so on. Anyone knows what i'm talking about? It happens in the situation. It's happening with me and PMO aswell. As soon the GG leaves the house the impulse comes up 'how about a PMO session?'. For most stuff i just can say yes without thinking it through, because the consequences are so weak or just not really there. It's different with PMO.
That makes me thinking, is there an approach to improve impulse control? Maybe i want to follow on this the next upcoming days. This is important to me, because up until now i'm experiencing almost no urges or cravings, but they will come and i want to be ready for them.

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: A Better Tomorrow
« on: June 28, 2020, 04:33:13 PM »
Hello NewStart04,

Quote
In short, looking on the bright side, I strangely feel halfway decent about how things turned out. Like this was a worst-case scenario binge, yet it is objectively and noticeably better than my old normal. Gotta love progress.

I had to smile a bit, because i found myself in this.
Before i turned into hardmode i felt quite good about my progress of not watching daily and when PMO'd, then only in quick sessions. At some point i only allowed one video per session, just to have some control over it. Strangely it worked with me for a while and just to a place where i was able to have sex with the GF and watch P from time to time (which is nothing good, not proud of).

See you in the saddle!

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: June 28, 2020, 04:13:17 PM »
Hello EarthWalker,

it's nice to see you back here and good you keep protocol of what happened last week.

Quote
I consider it progress MOing to vanilla over PMOing to fetish or any P for that matter. I don't have the willpower to go on hardmode.

As you know, it is the endless novelty that numbs our brains and induces our problems. So, avoiding this novelty is major in making progress and therefore, i believe, is also helping the rewiring in a way. How, i can't tell, but i hope it's helping anyway.

I think you do just the right for now, manage your situation and fit it to your condition now. You don't have to overdo things, just keep it simple and steady.

For the hunger i can't say much. Since i stopped i just want to drink beer often.

Thanks for your kind words. I wish you the best.

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Heavy addicts small victories
« on: June 27, 2020, 05:16:25 PM »
We're always here to help you get up again.

Maybe, in this stressy time, you can overthink your daily routine and where there is potential in the day to find peace and relaxation? Maybe get lost of something that isn't sparking happiness right now or do something that would just make yourself happy? My idea is, even when you relapsed, you have earned something good for your streak and bring up motivation for another go on the addiction fight.

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« on: June 27, 2020, 05:10:31 PM »
Good perspective. Sometimes one is just glad to end another day with success and sometimes days go by so quickly one can't make record of the progress.
Anyway, feeling good sounds good to me!

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: June 27, 2020, 02:46:09 AM »
Huge day today - i've reached my target of 90 days.
Therefore i want to thank you guys for contributing and exchanging our thoughts and experiences.
Especially i want to thank ShadeTrenicin, Orbiter, UKGuy, metal22, BabySteps, KittyHawk, EarthWalker and DoneAtLast for your precious contributions. Also i want to thank the whole RN community as well as GabeDeem for starting this forum.

So, what now? As i mentioned before i want to add another 90 days in which i want to train my "new lifestyle" and hold on to what i did against PMO addiction. This would be mainly contributing to the forum here, writing in my journal and keep processing my emotions that come up now and then. Especially for the last part i'm very open for new approaches, which help me to learn about me.

In conclusion i want to go on with a mix of strict rules and learning about my inner state. Also i want to stay humble about my progress and want to avoid any kind of a comfort feeling, as we know this can weaken the defenses.

Day 90:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 4/10

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: June 26, 2020, 03:55:43 PM »
Thanks Shade, i thought of that aswell.
This feeling of being ashamed is so present and is controlling me so directly, that even when i'm in a meeting i can't focus for a moment on the talking. Like i did something completely wrong. In aspects of money that's true, but in aspects of life i like to regard it as a life experience. Anyway, the feeling is there, it gets weaker day by day and maybe next time i'll be more clever with my investments.
If that feeling is pressing down my mood, yes. In general i think it lowers my defenses for PMO and that's why i should do something that gives me a better feeling in a sustainable way. Therefore, going to bed early.

I've watched that Gabe Deem video about the flatline this week. I think i only had a small flatline because i didn't PMO often. At least one result of my randomized PMO-use over the last 4 years is a good thing.

The week was busy but also funny and productive at work and leisure. Besides the stock thing everything is working fine, i guess.

My lust for beer is still very high and i'm experience urges to buy some beers in the supermarket for drinking at home. Last year i would never had thought of getting such urges to drink beer. I resisted and even though i drink 4-5 beers a week i'm not really worrying but want to cut it down to certain events, when i feel ready about it.

Looking forward.

21
Hello Shade,

Quote
i don't really know where the low self esteem / self love are coming from. It's that I've been feeling not myself recently and out of contact with myself. I feel like i am slipping into some old behaviours and they are not the ones that are good for my general and mental health.. In general when i feel good about myself, i tend to do less things that are bad for me.

You said it quite right and i want to think of the feeling of low self esteem / self love also something that is just there for a time. Handle it like we would handle urges. Accepting, but not believing them and they will go away by themselfes. After that do something that is helping you feeling good about yourself, like going to sleep early or whatever and avoid what is bad for you.

For all the other projects i wish you and your wife the best.

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: June 26, 2020, 03:24:10 PM »
Hey Orbiter,

i'm absolutely with what Shade said. Reflect on this and write it down, it helps you and it helps us.
After that, whenever you're ready, get back on track with positiveness. Nothing to worry about, ok?

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: June 24, 2020, 03:43:00 PM »
This note isn't directly PMO-relevant, but i want to write it down anyway for documentation. Recently i've made a very bad investment with stocks that really got down the drain. Lost quite some money. The thing is, i really feel embarrased about it. My whole day was just perfect, but when a friend of mine reminded me of the share price today i just fell into a sea of bad mood with self doubt and uncertainty. Man, how pathetic i felt in that moment. Anyway, i talked with the GF about it and she doesn't see it that way, but understands my emotions. Money is one thing and this fault of mine will go away after time.

This is something i didn't do in the past: Talking to the GF about my emotions and what makes me uncertain. Or maybe i did, but not in the right way. Anyway, she helped me today and me talking about something like this with her today is bringing a new balance into our relationship. In the past i just wouldn't admit much of the embarrassement.

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Gaining control of Compulsive Masturbation
« on: June 24, 2020, 03:34:10 PM »
Well analyzed. Sleep is such a powerful factor.

The neediness you mentioned, do you know where it comes from? The source?
It would fit the idea that this need, where ever it comes from, can't ever be filled. And therefore one is looking for a replacement, 'to fill the emptyness'. If that would be the case there's work to do and a very good chance to overcome the problem.

Counting days is one thing, strict and rational. Also or even more important is looking into yourself. The underlying moods and emotions that aren't easy to find out about.

25
Porn Addiction / Re: On becomming a Patreon of Gabe Deem
« on: June 23, 2020, 03:53:10 PM »
Thanks for the post.
Happy to contribute to Gabe and the site RebootNation.
The community is for me a lovely place with nice and intelligent people. The exchange is of great value for me. Thanks to everybody.

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