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Messages - nazonoxa

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 24, 2019, 08:57:44 PM »
Tomorrow marks 80 days without video binges, games or porn. Also a week away from wanking. Feeling very alive.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: My struggles with PTSD, Asperger's and porn
« on: June 23, 2019, 05:53:02 PM »
Welcome! Fellow aspie addict here :D

I see you have recently found out a lot about yourself.

1) Please use every bit of public health care that you can. This forum is an amazing mutual help group in addiction recovery, but really nothing more. I attend a developmental disorders group every week at my psychiatrists and it helps a lot in making me feel less alone.

2) Being open to my girlfriend has been really helpful in my case. Having ASD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned that I had been misinterpreting her words quite often, and realising this has humbled my ways of communication.

Take great care of yourself. Here's a virtual hug! *hug*

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 22, 2019, 08:12:58 PM »
I've heard some people saying around here that if your masturbation use is for self-medication or "I do this because I abstain from P" then it's not a good thing.
If I'm MOing compulsively in order to deal with stress or something like that, I think that's a recipe for addiction. The goal isn't to never ejaculate again, but to train myself not to need it in the wrong contexts just to deal with life. An orgasm in a stable relationship is one thing, but an orgasm just to get through the day is another thing entirely.
My wanking feels more like a repeated mistake than a compulsion. Or is that what compulsion is?

Maybe I'm not aware enough how much stress I am feeling. Therefore compulsion feels like a clueless mistake.

Better be mindful and kind to myself.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 21, 2019, 07:58:59 PM »
Yep, it's definitely a part of my addiction. We're reclaiming our dopamine receptors, aren't we? Anything that messes with them is on my "Keep away from it" list.
Fair enough. Not wanking couldn't be that difficult.

Still unsure how to see it as an addiction.

If I'm addicted to the feeling of ejaculation, I would have to quit ejaculating for life, and to me that's not an option.

If I'm addicted to the act of self-pleasuring, that's a behavioural addiction, and that's a complicated thing.

Whichever way I can learn to stay away from the act.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: My New Plan For Change
« on: June 20, 2019, 09:54:54 PM »
Welcome, good luck, and take exceptional care of yourself :)

I've been trying (and failing) to abstain from porn for about 2 years now, but everything clicked after reading Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain On Porn". Highly recommend it. Knowledge is an essential resource in dealing with addiction.

Another thing I find to be useful is to be disgusted with porn scenarios. Most porn fetishes tend to be woman-degrading, while some are downright violations to human rights. In order to be sex-positive (that is, vanilla consensual sex-positive) it's safer to stay away from porn world.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 20, 2019, 09:32:52 PM »
It seems like every minute I have multiple urges to wank. Went for a short (really short) jog to get myself outside.

Not sure how wanking less relates to porn abstention, but perhaps my wanking does go under the label of addiction too. Bad habit at least.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 20, 2019, 05:17:35 AM »
Former wanker is going a bit 100%, but in my current depressed state I should be careful about self-medicating with masturbation.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 20, 2019, 05:16:42 AM »
I know wanking makes me feel frail and unbalanced, yet still I wank. This is just silly.

I think I could really enjoy life as an ex-wanker. Like, I used to wank, but I don't do that anymore. Former wanker.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 19, 2019, 07:08:39 PM »
Any change we make toward recovery will take time to really make a difference.
I think you are right. One slow step at a time. Thank you!

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 19, 2019, 12:45:50 AM »
I should decide what I need to / don't need to do now. In this month of June...

I need to : Eat well, exercise, spend time in nature, sleep well. Keep seeing the psychiatrist + ASD/ADD group. Keep track of spending.

I don't need to : Work, study, look for work, think about studying.
That sounds about right. Good idea me. Let's not get ahead of myself.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 18, 2019, 05:21:27 PM »
Had a wank over a porn fetish yesterday. My heart was pounding furiously afterwards. No wonder I get addicted to this kind of fierce arousal.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 13, 2019, 03:24:18 PM »
That's an awesome way to look at it. But even if the china will never be the same, it will still be a complete china and not some broken pieces.
Yes! And a rather beautiful one, with some painstaking Kintsugi. I totally left out any optimism from that quote, so thank you for pointing it out :D

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« on: June 13, 2019, 07:07:32 AM »
Take good care of yourself, because you are worth it :)

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 13, 2019, 05:54:11 AM »
I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to be a "black or white" guy until I realized that it sabotaged my recovery. We make progress even if it's a little. Anything is progress, even something like identifying a trigger or a mistake that we make. This recovery takes time so it's obvious that we need to go through some stages.
Thank you for your kindness. Somebody (of course, including myself) being kind about my little bits of progress can be radically restorative.

And I think this is a great insight related to Lero's. I sincerely hope that I can be 100% cured someday, but I also don't know if I should ever believe that I am. Even if I'm 99% of the way there, believing that there's still a 1% of losing it would help me to stay careful. I know I crashed hard in the past when I thought I was cured. (and now I'm probably just rambling)

Either way, keep up the good work!
Thank you!

When it comes to addiction, there is always a chance of relapse, as one life-long abstaining alcoholic wrote: "My body is like a once broken china; no matter how carefully you glue it together, it is nothing like a china that was never broken."

Since there really isn't a goal to focus on, I think I should enjoy this peculiar process of change that my addiction has forced onto me.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« on: June 10, 2019, 03:56:21 AM »
I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot. Sometimes I get this feeling like I know everything I should do but I don't do it at all.

That's a really familiar feeling to me too.

If you struggle with self-care, the website youfeellikeshit.com might help. Guides you through some not-always-obvious steps to self-care.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 10, 2019, 03:39:34 AM »
Finding out that I tend to think in a 0-or-100 way. Same thing with addiction, I am cured or I am addicted.

Which is simply not true. My recovery from addiction seems to be cycling through different phases, each time getting milder and milder.

The initial dark forest of withdrawal shitness now feels distant, but I haven't gotten rid of these rather potent mood swings.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 08, 2019, 07:46:49 AM »
Noah Church said in one of his podcasts that after a year and two months without P, he felt like he was still improving. So maybe that's right. Maybe "full" recovery takes 2 years but people should not get alarmed about it because you should already feel all right by then.
Out of the woods but still moving forwards. Can't wait to see for myself what that feels like.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 07, 2019, 04:47:10 AM »
Now that I think of it, maybe that's a Japanese porn thing.

I imagine our gendered double-standard about acceptable levels of interest in sex is a strong factor that forms this perverted fetish.

Apparently I too subconsciously believe that it's not desirable for a female to be interested in sex.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 07, 2019, 04:29:59 AM »
One of the greater vices of porn culture is how it teaches you to be aroused by non-consensual situations.

I have a hard time being interested in my girlfriend's nude because she is willing to be naked with me.

I am 60 days free of porn but this hasn't changed a bit, maybe even got a little worse.

My libido is so utterly based around porn culture, it seems developing a non-voyeurist sexuality will take a long long time.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 07, 2019, 04:21:41 AM »
Having some hard-to-ignore porny urges today.

I feel very much out of the woods in terms of my addiction.
This might turn out to be the initial minor slip that eventually builds up into a landslide. Decided to keep track of my addiction a little bit more.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 02, 2019, 03:27:28 AM »
Feeling like this isn't the right place to be journaling either. I feel very much out of the woods in terms of my addiction.

At the core of my issues is a dysfunction in communication, and for this I will need a much different kind of support.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 01, 2019, 10:31:57 PM »
Sorry about the 3/10, but hang in there!

I read once a long time ago that it can be hard to experience recovery along with family and friends because you're making such big changes to your behavior and worldview, but they're staying mostly the same. I guess the idea is that it can be frustrating to be making such big strides while other people aren't. And disappointing that they aren't celebrating your progress the same way you are.

I guess that's one of the benefits of a group like this one: we all know what it's like, and we can celebrate the wins together. Keep it going!
Thank you!

I wouldn't say I'm making big strides, baby steps at best. Sorry my English vocabulary is a bit off (I'm Japanese).

Dealing with a not-well person I imagine gets old really fast, and I've been like that for quite a long time.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 01, 2019, 05:52:39 PM »
Sleep didn't come easily, woke up feeling heavy and stiff.

I feel the disappointment of my family more and more, now that I'm less depressed and talk with them a lot.

Which is probably not a bad thing, because it just means I am more aware. Can't expect their patience to last forever.

It's been a long while since I am making actual* progress, and it's a shame no one at home congratulates me on this.

Even my self report of addiction-induced neurosis/depression was met with a sigh, when it was the greatest revelation for me ever.

Mood : 3 / 10

*Edit: "Substantial progress" was saying a bit too much. I made actual progress, sounds more like it.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 01, 2019, 05:33:13 PM »
@LeanAndBop Thank you for your kindness. Wishing you the best too.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors
« on: June 01, 2019, 07:09:02 AM »
My feeling of burnout has subsided. I feel like my Abilify is helping me quite profoundly. Thank you medicine.

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