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Messages - pichaelthompson

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Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 17, 2019, 11:21:27 AM »
Thanks everyone! It's been good so far, getting to know my cousin and found out he has ADHD...I've been trying to support him (without pushing him to do anything) by showing him my meditation, and explaining how working out/reading can help my brain be able to learn things on a deeper level. I've got to see the struggle he deals with it on a daily basis, and honestly it inspires me to go out and do everything I set out to do. If he can go to school and function like a normal person with a constant mental illness and never complain, there should be absolutely no reason for me to complain as a healthy person without any mental illness. I have everything I could ask for in this life to continue to push forward and reach my goals, and at the very least I should be grateful and appreciate that every day.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there, the best is yet to come
« on: July 17, 2019, 11:16:00 AM »
That sounds like a great day! Whenever I can just get out of the house and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, I can literally feel my brain slowing down and be more at peace. It's very refreshing, and serves as a reminder that these things: quality time with others, will ALWAYS be more important than getting your fix on the computer. Best of luck as you continue your journey, you have my full support!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 17, 2019, 11:09:47 AM »
It's all good man, yeah I understand while it feels annoying but don't let that hurt your confidence moving forward. You know you can do this as you have done it before, and we all know you can do it too.

It's crazy how everything is connected: If I eat/workout right, my work gets better, my urges are easier to deal with, I'm better with my relationships. I also get better sleep, and the same is true if I don't do well on any of those things, it affects everything else. I often try to compartmentalize my life but in doing so I make compromises, for example: I'll skip my workout and eat some fast-food, but I gotta make sure to do my work after. Even if that's what I do, I won't feel as good doing it and therefore won't be as effective. Of course, there are moments to treat yourself, but that is all connected to prolonged periods of doing the right thing, allowing your body and mind a small break from changing for the better.

As far as a plan for urges, I guess my plan recently has been to not have a in literally do nothing to engage with the urge. In the past, my relapses have often come from me trying to reason with myself in my head why I shouldn't watch P. This works alot of the time, but sometimes no matter what you say to yourself there is a part of your brain that makes a compelling counter-argument, and I end up relapsing. Now I try to recognize when I have the urge, and be as zen as possible. Either return to the task I'm doing, or take a break and pay attention to the physical sensations and emotion. In other words, quiet the voice inside of your head because you already know that no PMO is the right thing to do, so allowing you to try to explain to yourself why it's wrong (something you have done before, so it is not needed) will only open up the opportunity to falsely convince yourself otherwise.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 17, 2019, 10:59:29 AM »
"If I had a choice between going to back to a version of me that hadn't looked at porn yet and the version of me that I am today, I think I would probably stick with where I am."

Wow, this is truly an amazing statement. So often I get hung up on past mistakes and fantasizing scenarios of who I'd be if I didn't make those mistakes. But the best part of life is the opportunity to move forward no matter what you did in the past, good or bad. When we are able to appreciate our flaws and find ways to improve on them, we have the confidence to go forward without fear, because any mistakes we would worry about in the future can be something that also be taken in stride, and used as learning experiences. Keep doing your thing, remember that you ALWAYS have support from this community!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 15, 2019, 01:08:53 PM »
It's really cool to see how your perception of women are changing, I've began to notice that a little bit too....I'll make eye contact with a woman and feel insecure because I feel like I am being judged in some way, but then I begin to realize that I am the only person that is making me feel this way. Keep going and inspiring others! :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 15, 2019, 01:03:18 PM »
I think that kind of fantasizing is something very natural, and I'm sure many others including me can relate to this on a deep level. We all want to feel like the hero in our own story, but it often doesn't feel like that way in real life. To "scratch that itch" for lack of a better term, we sometimes have to change what a perception of being a hero is in our minds: for some its being a loving and protecting parent, for others it might be achieving a high skill in some type of job field, for others it might be going on a long PMO streak and having the confidence to never turn to PMO again, and it could also be a combination of many things. We are all on the "hero's journey" to rid ourselves of PMO, it's just not a story that would necessarily be a blockbuster if it were a movie so sometimes our brains want to find a more interesting goal to achieve, regardless of the importance it has to our physical and mental health. Keep on going, you're doing great!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 15, 2019, 12:54:23 PM »
Yep, you're doing great with your urges as always and it's good that you have found ways to deal with them effectively! It can feel tiring when we look at life as a battle between moments of urges vs. moments of relaxation, and I think you do a good job of just enjoying the moments of peacefulness while letting the urges come and go, whenever they do and however strong they are. Keep it up, and I hope to keep following in your footsteps!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 15, 2019, 12:49:35 PM »
Had a good weekend, a cousin is visiting so I'm out doing fun things most of the day, not getting much work's all good though, I'll do as much as I can while he's here and get back to my usual routine later on. Hoping for a good week, hopefully less stressful than the last one lol

You've got an awesome life man, keep living it up and fuck P!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 12, 2019, 09:26:47 AM »
I've also been working out more recently, and have definitely been feeling tired both physically and mentally. Yeah like Squid said, rest and sleep is definitely key, I recently saw a ted talk about how getting a lack of sleep literally can change your DNA and make your body and mind age faster, bc mother nature has no evolutionary defense mechanism to this, as no other animals has ever had the problem of sleep deprivation. Sorry a little off topic, all this is just to say if you need to put aside some work to get an extra 2 hours of needed sleep, you should definitely do it!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 12, 2019, 09:17:00 AM »
Day 18: Was curious what day I was on and decided to check the date of my last relapse, June 24. I feel like that moment is more behind me now...obviously it still has an effect on who I am now but knowing that there's more than 2 weeks between that moment and where I'm at now gives me the feeling of having room to breathe. It's nice to know that while it feels like I haven't changed much as a person, the accomplishment of going 17 days PMO free is something I can be proud of and use to motivate me to keep going. I'm grateful to be on this forum where I can vent my thoughts and feelings and support others, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to go out, evolve, and create memorable life experiences....someday without the cloud of PMO hanging over me so aggressively. Yes this journey can feel like a burden, but I refuse to let it prevent me from doing all the things I want to do in life. The only direction is forward.

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 12, 2019, 08:57:54 AM »
I have been there before @Quit, when you get back on the horse it almost sometimes feels as if you have too much energy. Being able to channel that excess energy into relationships without being too overly hyper or anxious is still a huge challenge for me, but something I think will pay off in the long run if I just keep working at it. Meditation, working out, telling yourself to stay calm all help to some degree, but the harsh reality is that it takes time and patience more than anything else for my brain to make minuscule changes over the long run, since those habits are deeply ingrained. You got this man, we believe in you!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there, the best is yet to come
« on: July 11, 2019, 02:16:11 PM »
The positivity you spread is contagious, it inspires me and others to do the same thing :) keep it up!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 11, 2019, 02:10:56 PM »
Agree and relate with BlueHeron %100, another thing I'll add is that it's awesome that you were able to turn a not-so-great experience into motivation. So often when something negative happens to it we (or maybe just me) look at it like everything in life going forward is worse because of it. But when I hear stories of successful people, it was those negative experiences that were necessary to shaping the person they became later on in life. You are doing great living boldly and going for it, and I think you realize that when it doesn't work out there are many positives that come from it. Keep it up!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 11, 2019, 02:04:09 PM »
I appreciate the kind words from both of y'all! I might of said this before, but when people support me it only makes me want to be my best self and do the same to others...thanks to both you guys for being role models that I look up to!

Sometimes you just feel off, and that's okay. Rather than anticipating change to happen, sitting on your hands waiting for it, sometimes it's better just to be honest with yourself and how you are feeling. Just acknowledging that is all you need to move forward. Had a stressful day yesterday after getting into an argument with a close friend, but I'm feeling a little bit better today and will continue to push forward and try my best to spread positivity to the things I have to do and the people around me. I set pretty high standards for myself which I don't often meet, but there's no reason to be negative about it. Just keep trying, failing, laughing about it a little, and trying again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 10, 2019, 08:59:53 PM »
That's funny with the girl, I think we all can relate to that at some point or another lmao! That story just kinda reminds me that we are just normal people trying to live quality lives at the end of the day, we were never these weird creeps or anything just because we are/were addicted to porn, we are all just people that felt the need to use P as a coping mechanism. Sure this is an addiction, but everyone around the world gets up each day and has to face their own set of problems, and wether it be addiction or something else we all are just doing what we think is best. Congrats to your success so far, keep going and inspiring others!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 09, 2019, 09:41:42 AM »
Nice! I think I remember you giving me some advice a couple months ago about how our minds just naturally think of weird or f*cked up things, and that there's no reason to give any energy or action towards that. That has helped me alot because I feel like when I get the slightest bit bored, my mind always tries to think of crazy ideas that often lead to urges.

Working out is such a great way to calm the first I was doing it for vain reasons (looking good, getting girls) but now I genuinely like the feeling of pushing my body and getting a good sweat in. Your body knows that what you're doing is good for you (post-workout) and as a result your mind will feel better too. Keep it up!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 09, 2019, 09:33:47 AM »
Thanks! Yep, my main trigger hit me pretty hard this morning, sex dreams. They are that perfect combination of arousal and stress. I woke up at 3 am this morning drenched in sweat (sorry that's gross) after dreaming about meeting a random girl at the bar and taking her home. It's been helpful that I've been in a good groove with my work/exercise/diet/relationships recently, otherwise I don't know if I would've made it. I got to be extra careful today while staying calm and focused on what to do.

There is always that inner voice inside of us that knows what is truly the right thing to do, but sometimes it is very hard to hear. Doing good things for yourself and others should make you feel good always, but so often our dopamine driven mind hijacks our brain and tries to trick us. I'm tired of falling for the same old tricks, any relapse is a regretful one, as it'll either lead to another relapse, or more difficulty on my next streak. There's really no other alternative anymore, I'll never just accept P in my life and willingly go back to it without part of me feeling this is inherently wrong for me, no matter what anyone says or does. My past experiences have taught me this valuable lesson, and it is time to soak in this lesson %100. Sorry for the rant lol, just needed to get it off my chest so I can feel a little less antsy.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 09, 2019, 09:24:41 AM »
Man, that sucks that you've been feeling urges from a chance experience....good job of being on top of it. One good thing that comes from this might be that atleast you know that when you do eventually get there with a real woman, you'll be able to be aroused for her, not wanting some other form of stimulation. That sounds like progress to me, keep staying strong!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 07, 2019, 05:40:39 PM »
Hey man, I'm super proud of you for continuing to keep going and fighting. I hope later on you can feel there is no reason to feel ashamed or angry at yourself, we all have the strength to move forward. Reading through your journal these past few months have shown me you definitely are able to go through some shit and keep getting better and progressing...I think you'll be able to get right back on track and reach your goals if you just keep your head up and truly believe that you can do this!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« on: July 07, 2019, 05:36:18 PM »
I would recommend either drinking less so there are maybe less urges or making some gameplan the morning after to make sure there is no way you will relapse. Like maybe you can say "If I drink tonight, I promise to wakeup early and go workout," or just replace working out with something else that will get you out of bed and moving around. Balance is always important in life; it's important to have fun, but it is equally important to train your mind and body so that the occasional drink (or few drinks) won't impede your ability to go after your goals the next day. We all are lucky to have an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, and in doing so we can help others both in this forum and real life. Overcoming adversity is part of the human condition; suffering is necessary to find peace.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: July 07, 2019, 05:27:11 PM »
I'm glad you found a creative outlet, that's really cool! I'm kind of like you in that I usually feel drained socializing with people all the time, it's definitely a tricky balance for me because on one hand having a really good conversation about things I care about or that are interesting can be really energizing, but it's just hard to have those types of conversations all the time. It's always okay to back out of a social thing if you're not feeling good about it, I just always try to remember to make sure I am around people that I feel is worth my time (as selfish as that may sound). Even writing on this forum gives me the energy I need to get stuff done, but actually harnessing the energy into consistent progress should always take priority over going to a party bc your friend needs a wingman or whatever. Keep it up, you're doing great!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: July 07, 2019, 05:16:33 PM »
Thanks everyone! Y'alls encouragement and advice continues to be helpful and motivate me every day.

@Blueheron: For sure those negative feelings can be a learning experience, as long as I can just stay confident and really believe I can do this. I'm kind of trying to adopt the mindset of having an incomplete story, there is still a wealth of opportunity for change.

@Thankyou: I absolutely agree and hope you can feel that way too! We all make mistakes but our ability to keep going and learn from them is something that nobody can ever take away from us. No matter what, we always have the strength for change!

@Achillesheel: Absolutely, it's time to go all in on this. Every single relapse gives me regret....maybe not immediately, maybe not even that day or week....but it always comes eventually. To think otherwise would just be an attempt to trick myself into the opportunity to PMO. It's funny, sometimes when the urges are really strong the voice inside your head sounds completely rational telling you to PMO, so you always gotta be on top it.

Drank a little too much last night so I had a slow start to the day, but feeling better now and going to get some more work done! Might go on a bike ride or run later, or look for something else to do...other than that not many urges today.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hang in there, the best is yet to come
« on: July 05, 2019, 06:09:16 PM »
Congrats on 9 days! You are off to a great start....keep doing what you're doing, having that balance between self care/work/healthy recreation is key :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: July 05, 2019, 06:05:14 PM »
Sorry to hear you weren't doing well Quit, but it's good to hear from you! Since my last relapse (a couple weeks ago I think?) I haven't tried to do anything really that different since I felt like alot of what I was doing was working, but I did make some minor changes such as valuing consistency every day over maximizing productivity. It has helped me feel more even-keeled, not getting too extremely high or low. Best of luck to you on your new streak!

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