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Messages - pichaelthompson

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 12, 2019, 09:10:59 PM »
Good insight- some days it feels like PMO has absolutely no power in the mind, but other days can turn into an all-out war. Regardless, we got to stick with it because it will only result in net-positive changes. Glad to hear you're doing well and staying strong!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: September 12, 2019, 09:08:20 PM »
Man, this week has been crazy busy. Rehearsals, practicing for an audition, class, homework, working out...even putting myself out there more and hanging out with people. I think partly I had the mindset of "well this year can't be any worse than last so fuck it" and I started to care less about how I am around people, and it's given me some nice confidence. Obviously, there's a long way to go, and not everything is great all the time, especially with stress levels and lingering insomnia, but I haven't felt this positive in grad school maybe since the 1st week of last year lol

Triggers are less and less, especially as I spend less time on electronics, and when I do it's mostly some music or a dabble in Netflix or youtube, nothing close to what I was doing before. I think its important to find the right balance of things in life, and be willing to change or break habits if things aren't going your way for a while. I've been talking to a girl, and we've been trying to schedule a time to meet but it's been crazy busy for both of us so it looks like it won't happen until a couple weeks from now :( But atleast there's something to look forward to....PMO be gone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: September 05, 2019, 10:58:49 PM »
Thanks, man. While I haven’t felt like I made much progress recently, just knowing that I’ve been letting urges come and go is enough. Pretty busy last few days, really looking forward to this weekend!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: September 01, 2019, 06:18:28 PM »
So it's been an interesting past few days. For the last 2 days, my friends have been ghosting me, and then I see them hanging out on Snapchat which really hit me hard. But instead of holding it in and being negative about it like I have done in the past, I texted them and asked them to tell me the truth as to why they won't hit me up when they hang. One friend said that he thinks I don't ever want to do anything (due to me rejecting him sometimes last year + he knows money is tight for me so he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable when they go out) and another feels like I have been taking advantage of him giving me rides (picking me up from my place bc I don't have a car) and am always the one to take food/drink or whatever rather than provide it. I've honestly never had any problems like this with my other friends before, so it was definitely shocking to hear. I told them I'm definitely down to hang alot more this year and promised to provide more food/drink and uber/bus more if I have to. But part of me feels like they didn't recognize the effort I put into trying to hang with them last year as I asked them multiple times and they almost always ghosted me. I guess I have a lingering feeling of resentment that's not healthy because we made up and everything's good, so this is something I can let go of and move forward.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 27, 2019, 05:25:48 PM »
Good points from both of y'all! Just want to do everything I can to make this reboot as smooth as possible, but I know there will always and inevitably be bumps in the road; just have to do your best to minimize those bumps and push through. Good workout, still having trouble sleeping but that's partly bc of adjusting to a new schedule + the lack of technology entertainment, but naps have been really helpful. Gunna go get some more work done today, eat a healthy dinner, and then get to play some ball with friends tomorrow!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 26, 2019, 09:38:14 PM »
Good stuff man! I get slightly over dramatic when I have good interactions with girls, so it was good to read about your experience and learn from it. Carry on!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 26, 2019, 09:36:10 PM »
I’m glad that y’all can relate to me on atleast some level, I always try and tell myself to not be too hard on myself for this because we have all been conditioned to be around technology as much as possible; that’s just how the modern world is sadly.

Yesterday I fantasized on one of my old fetishes for maybe about 30 seconds, and then quickly redirected my mind. As expected, I had a really weird dream relating to that fetish that turned out to be really stressful too, as I woke up at 5 am covered in sweat. My mind was racing so it was really hard to go to sleep after that, but I’m the bright side I still managed to have a productive day and get a good nap in. I think the momentum from doing good things in the past + it being the first day of class today really helped me do what I need to do, but I fear I won’t have the same level of motivation as the year goes on and gets more stressful. Nevertheless, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully then, I’ll be a lot more mentally strong.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 25, 2019, 03:10:25 PM »
Glad to help, BlueHeron! Yeah I am the same way, it just hit me really a lightbulb came on out of nowhere and I was shocked at how it took me so long to realize I was addicted to all of it. I would plan my day and for absolutely no reason, I start doing whatever on my phone and an hour passes, and I just keep going, cause why not? I could just do that shit later, I always tell myself. But yeah, don't put too much pressure on yourself, just try to compromise and be reasonable, and things should start to get easier!

Man, these urges are alot easier to deal with now. Whenever I get triggered hard, I just turn off my phone. I don't click on a different video, or watch a different show like I usually have, because that has led to me relapsing in the past. Don't want to feel like I've beaten anything though; I know there is a long and difficult journey ahead.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 22, 2019, 07:36:40 PM »
That scheduling idea sounds like a great plan, and from personal experience, it really works! It can be hard to change up your routine and take time away from leisure time; what helps me is easing into it. I'll tell myself "okay let's watch 5 minutes less of youtube today and work on x." After a couple days you can go to 10 minutes, 15 minutes....until it starts to feel natural.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 22, 2019, 07:31:12 PM »
So I kinda realized something pretty profound the other day; not am I onlyaddicted to porn, I am addicted to entertaining myself through technology, wether it be TV, laptop, or phone. I just looked back at all my relapses, and they all stem from me being on my phone or laptop, minding my own business, maybe surfing a little bit of youtube....and then I start to get bored. Any normal person at that point would put it away and go do something else, but what do I do? Start looking at sexy images, videos....then relapse. Often when I have blown of hanging out with people, yes I am often in a bad mood, but what do I do instead? Do something on my computer/phone, and often there is no PMO-related things involved. I just use it to keep my mind occupied, because, I guess that is more comfortable than doing something more productive or engaging.

So I have been majorly cutting back on my technology usage, and I feel like I am getting cravings similar to a quitting a sugar addiction; headaches, moodiness, and a general sense of low energy. But I feel really good about rebooting knowing that this problem has played a major role in my past relapses. Best of luck to everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 20, 2019, 07:33:42 PM »
That's awesome you hit 1 month man; you are setting a great example for others to follow you, when maybe not too long ago you were looking up to others more. Making no PMO your #1 priority resonates with me because it positively affects all other aspects of life, atleast in the long term. Keep it up, I can feel your drive and desire to rid yourself of this poison and it motivates me to do the same.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 20, 2019, 07:29:13 PM »
Sorry to hear about your struggles with school BlueHeron, but I think it's natural to feel the way you felt about your day. Everyone has a bad day, sometimes that's all it is and we can move on knowing there will be better days ahead.

I too am feeling a sense of dread with the upcoming school year; for me, it is not only the work, but also trying to find my way in a community that I felt lost and alone in so much last year. I'm trying to see this year as a new opportunity, a fresh start; but I also know I have to make some changes from last year and just put myself out there more. Sorry for hijacking your forum lol, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings about school, but within that, there is a chance for opportunity and positive change.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 20, 2019, 06:56:20 PM »
Thanks! I've always had this cycle of feeling really tired ever few days or so while rebooting....I'm not sure if it has anything to do with diet (pretty good), sleep (I'm getting a decent amount), exercise (5x a week), or just my body still slowly adapting to the change in lack of stimulation. I took a really long 3 1/2 hour nap today without getting much work done, woke up and now I am still tired but my mind and thoughts are racing. Anyone  else have trouble with this? Atleast I'm optimistic I'll feel better tomorrow, I just wish there was something I could do to spread out the "tiredness" rather than it all come down once every few days.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 18, 2019, 02:48:53 PM »
Thanks man for all your help and support! A couple of super productive days have had me feeling the inclination to take it easier today which I have so far...but I am not worried about binging out on YouTube or anything like that cause I have some big goals that are in the front of my mind. Just gotta stay mindful, I realized it’s okay to think ahead in the future, even very far ahead, but it is only needed occasionally; once you have your sights set on what you want to do, just go with what you geeel is right in the moment.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 18, 2019, 02:45:27 PM »
Thank you for sharing that great church experience! I’m not religious myself, but I definitely relate to the speakers message; to me, it stresses the importance of staying humble, and finding freedom through restraint. Keep going, we support you!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 16, 2019, 09:43:50 AM »
Thanks! Last few days have been pretty good, workouts have finally started showing results and I feel motivated with the school year so close. Kinda sucks that I have to be at home with my parents and away from friends for a few days, but I'll be okay. One more week to really work on myself so I can be ready for anything this year!

The most important thing is that you have learned from it and are moving on. I wish back when I was experimenting with just MO I could've known better, as eventually I turned back to P. I'm very impressed with your ability to see the desire of P trying to sneak in and shutting it out, even after MO.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 12, 2019, 02:28:04 PM »
I am with you BlueHeron,  have meditating for 2 years as well and only just recently have I found a deeper sense of appreciation for it...before it just felt like I was doing it because "why not, it couldn't could only do good." But now, I have really thought about it as a part of my life that will never leave me, as the mind will always dictate our thoughts and actions.

Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: August 12, 2019, 02:24:38 PM »
Congrats! Libido is definitely a good motivator for me when I'm on a streak, regardless of my girl situation. Knowing that it is something I have earned and worked for makes it that much more valuable to me, especially knowing that I can lose it at any time after a relapse. Keep it up!

Incredible. You have been through so much shit recently, your brain has changed for the better. Know that there is always this light within you, even in the darkest of times

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 12, 2019, 02:21:36 PM »
I actually play classical music most of the day, and it is very therapeutic to me as well as keeps my mind healthy and strong. The reason I'm against youtube as y'all have mentioned is the algorithm, but I feel alot better when I can listen to an album or playlist through and just let it sink in, maybe thinking about the creative differences between the songs and artists.

Speaking of, got to start practicing now....I want to be in top form entering the school year because I know alot of rep is going to get thrown at me like orchestra music, chamber music, and other stuff. I've slacked off so far today except for my workout, but now its time to remind myself of the benefits of the quiet, focused mind and get to work. See y'all soon

Ages 20-29 / Re: A new beginning
« on: August 11, 2019, 12:55:07 PM »
My mind feels more at peace even through the small changes of cutting out youtube and just living out my meditations...much easier to fall asleep and got a good workout in this morning. I know this will not be easy, especially down the road, but I want to feel the stress of holding myself accountable so I will have the strength to face anything on the outside. Lets have great day today everyone

You can do it. Whatever happens, you can always do it, and deep down, maybe so deep it cannot always be found, you know that inherent truth. This shit is hard, for everyone. We are all fighters, and being a fighter means being able to take a punch but to keep on swinging. Wishing you peace down the road, because it will come in waves eventually.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: August 11, 2019, 12:49:43 PM »
Very interesting to hear that addicts and non-addicts experience the same pleasure, I've never thought about it that way but its true; when I feed my addicted brain P, it's partly pleasurable but a huge part of it is just the feeling of relief from the negative feelings of rebooting. That's why if we keep relapsing, our sense of relief is less and less, even if our pleasure levels are similar.

I have been very committed these last two days to having a more meditative experience; whenever I catch a distracting thought, I center myself through focusing on my senses, and then I let my mind be free until I catch myself being distracted again. I think before I was too focused on forcing my brain to pay attention; it is important to gently guide the brain and then let it go so there is a sense of freedom rather than restriction. Keep on being great!

I agree, to a certain extent. But I think there is also a balance to accepting it as a presence in your mind and taking steps to give it as least energy as possible. I've also accepted that P thoughts will always come inside and out of my brain, probably for the rest of my life, but I think we have the power to affect the intensity and frequency of these thoughts, outside of just distancing ourselves from PMO and fantasizing; even if they are microscopic changes that aren't always noticeable. Best of luck to you

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