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Messages - Rebooter2019

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Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: May 17, 2020, 04:15:47 PM »
Thanks Blue!

I did 2 weeks, I relapsed. After that 1 week and relapsed again then relapsed 1 day afterand now I'm on the 5th day of my current "streak". I have some thoughts here and there, but I do my best to ignore them and continue with my day!

Currently, I'm bored and it is the main risk for me since that's my trigger. I decided to come here and update my journal, much more productive.

I have a lot of plans and some of them require for the quarantine to be lift... I want to start MMA, because I missed martial arts. I've done teakwondo for 6 years and I loved it. I want to complete my fighting skills with BJJ and perhaps boxing or muay thai. I want to learn to mixed all of them at the same time!

Possibly a new job too. I so eager to restart dancing as well! Most of these require the end of the quarantine. In the meantime, I get in better cardiovascular shape and get my body ready for the MMA! It's hard, but It may make the start a little less painful. Usually, it is really hard to start a martial arts that require that much cardio if you don't have a base. I remember my teakwondo years and kind of go back at the training I was doing then, but modified with the knowledge I got on the way!!

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 22, 2020, 07:01:15 PM »
Thank you faenoe, it's really appreciated! I've stayed clean for 9 days(without today) and going strong! Work help since I do around 32 hours a week!

Plus, I've picked up the pace of the quarantine! It's not what I would like to do for years, but I can adjust if needed! Until I can go back to my schedule before the outbreak that will be my base mode! I write all that as I'm about to go sleep so much I'm tired. Yesterday, I've restarted cardio, but with real goal this time!! Meaning, I will have result for sure. Just need to had some calisthenic in the mix to have a balanced training plan!!

I'll go sleep now, wish you all good evening/night! Keep at it and stay strong:)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: April 12, 2020, 01:08:31 PM »
I'm sorry for your relapse Blue. Your insight are perfectly said in my opinion. And it actually gave some insight on my own situation!

We may have done things bad or not optimally all along! If we think about it, most of the things we've done were to "avoid", most probably not entirely consciously, the emotion that trigger urges and cravings.

Though, in a situation like the one we live currently, we cannot "run" from anything. We're stucked with less option that usual and have to learn to handle all that with a different approach and is unique to everyone. Even if they're very similar in essence. Learn to see and recognize your emotions immediately, because it's only by recognizing them that you'll know when to act before you end up relapsing. It will help for every aspect of our lives anyway!

In my case, I was using dancing, work, working out and going out as strategies to avoid being bored! I miss all of and that make me vunerable to relapse even more now that I can barely go out anywhere... Before I can do anything about that I need to realize what I feel at this very moment. I can't prevent myself to be bored all the time it's impossible. What is possible is to learn to manage it properly when it will appear. Much more healthy than keep "running" to try to avoid feeling that way.

In you're case, your trigger is frustration(mainly) you will always have things that frustrates you at some point. It's not healthy to try to avoid that feeling, but it is to find why you feel that way and remedy to the situation instead of using porn as a buffer!

You make a lot of good insight that will help you and a lot of other people you should be proud and happy about that. Don't feel to bad about yourself for having difficulties right now and pad yourself on the should! You haven't quit so you're still making progress and you're closer to freedom each and everyday!

Keep at it and stay strong :)

Edit* typo*

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 12, 2020, 12:36:47 PM »
Thanks blue, we sure have to find new way to avoid lapsing again and right now I'm having more and more trouble with that as time goes! That quarantine is really getting to me more than before! I've block The internet on every device that have access to it from 10pm to 6am to avoid insomnia relapse, but now I relapse during the day!!

It's kind of getting out of control and I have to adress it, before I go down like before! 1 can do 1-3 days now without relapsing and I kbow I can do better! I restart work next week that should help for sure! But until then I have to be strong and not give into this addiction! Not using too much free time excuse and catch myself before I lapse!!

We will have better days for sure. We need to decide for ourselves and not letting our addiction choose for us!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 04, 2020, 10:41:14 PM »
Well, I can consider what I just did like a relapse. I pm during maybe 30min even though I didn't orgasm. It's a relapse in term of setting back my progress!

Slight consolation is that I stopped myself before o and went out of my room as I write this! I feel kind of neutral toward it, to be honest, right now I try to see the little progress that I've made! I don't want to celebrate just yet, but I manage not to O and that's the hardrst part for me! To be clear, I didn't edge and continue, I utterly stopped before it was too late.

It is now 3 days in a row, but I can see a slight upward progression back into recovery! It is really hard in these time to avoid these things when you're home at night. I'll try to get rid of all my electronics before bedtime.

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: April 03, 2020, 01:28:52 PM »
Blue, I was sorry to read about your relapse. As you know, I've had the same trouble recently, but from what I see you're doing better than me already.

Like faenoe said, these are strange and difficult days if you're used to socialise alot and do alot of "outside the house stuff" to help recovery! We both know how hard it can be to get back on track after a mishaps! Though, we can do it, no matter how hard it seems at first. Having a routine really helped when I first manage to reach 3 month and a half. That's what I lack the most. You seems to doing well in that departement, thus why you're at 19 days!

Anyway, I wanted to say "Hi" and say that you can do it man! You're really strong and you've proved to yourself countless time in the past!! Keep going on :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 03, 2020, 01:11:07 PM »
This quarantine get really hard on the recovery side... I manage to avoid binging yesterday, but today I didn't manage to prevent another relapse... this time it really happen quick! It wasn't like before where I could see the thing coming on an immediate perspective. The only good side and progress that I see right now is that I didn't do it more than 1 time. That's an improvement, but it get harder and harder to find things to do... I got used to have some many lovely things to do that I was lacking time to do it all.

Video games was a boredom kingdom at some point in my life! The problem with it is that I love video game, but I don't seems to realise when I'm bored of playing! Boredom is my number one trigger. Now that I think of it, I didn't really wanted to play the game that I started and it trigger boredom at some point and my craving was skyrocketed way up there! Meaning that relapse was avoiable, like the last one!

I'll start a paper journal, for all the hundreds of thoughts on why it happen and trying to figure some solutions that I'll share here afterward! Plus, I keep saying that I'll post here everyday, but I keep forgetting. I'll recreate the habit of doing so. Here's another progress I could see from my 2 relapse in 2 days.

Take care everyone!!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 02, 2020, 04:18:27 PM »
Well... I didn't get out of my place fast enough! I relapsed...

Still, it was around 2 weeks without porn, still progress! I'll use this relapse to start learning photography using my phone for now until I get a DSLR later down the line! Most probably soon, but with the price of these...

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: April 02, 2020, 03:42:02 PM »
Thanks man! You're both right!! I aim progress, not even constant, just regular progress!

I had another moment of weakness a few minutes ago, but I manage to close all the shit even faster this time around! Otherwise, I've been relatively well the last 2 weeks. I'm starting to get bored!

I bought a PS4 recently, because of the quarantine that is in effect here! You'd be suprise how many country are in quarantine with that Cov-19...
Anyway, i've been playing with it for the past week or so, but du to the lack of game I start to get bored!

That's why I had the moment of weakness and why I'm here to vent and try to think to something else.

I would like to get into photography, but the only thing I've got is a smartphone! I don't really know where to start to be honest, but that's something I wanted to do for a long time. Maybe it's the time to start, since I can't ride, danse, see friends, etc...

I need to get out of here my urges are too big!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 18, 2020, 12:35:32 PM »
Thanks Blue, I will try it that's for sure! And you're right Jeks, about watching is the same as relapsing. I remember noah saying in one of his videos that if you had a small moment of weakness for few second and was able to snap out of it really fast and close the page without thinking back or "binge watching" for minute(s) that it may even help recovery or at least not impair it!

I'm saying that cause I had 2 moment of weakness back to back a few minutes ago and was able to close the page both time after maybe 5-10 sec of looking. I snap out of it and literally jumped on my phone to come here to use that energy to something else in trying to change the way my brain treat and deal with these urges!

I know it's not the ideal scenario, but I think It's better than nothing! I feel more appeased now! Still on edge, but no urges right now! I know it's du to the fact that I moed the night before yesterday, no p or p fantaisis, but I must have the chaser effect right now! I'll probably post more today, depending on those urges!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 16, 2020, 12:06:38 AM »
Yeah, I have another insomnia! Can't fucking sleep and I've been watching porn for around 10 min before being able to snap out of it. The only good thing that I can see right now is that I haven't orgasm to that! But I set myself back each time that these "relapse" happen!

I know I'm being kind of harsh to myself, but I activate the same circuit than if I was completely pmoing... last thursday I did the same thing, but it was for 40 min at that time. Today was only 10 min and at a time that was always a garantied relapse!

So all things added I think it's an improvement! Even though, it's far from perfect. I'll take even the smallest sign of improvement!!!

Right now, I'm writing to pass time, but it's actually so soothing that I may even go read some other people journals! Try to keep up with their wonderful journeys!!

You're right Blue. I don't have any choice now... the government here has stop all group even, so no more dancing, no party, no school, no nothing!!!
I just hope my gym is still open, otherwise it will be hard!...

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 14, 2020, 11:46:29 AM »
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking when I thought about that!

I write currently because I have some p flashback and some thoughts like, it would be so easy and what if I only mo. I don't want to do any of it so here I am!

The thing that will be hard is that I won't go out of my place this weekend, because I start to get a little sick and around here everyone's going crazy over Cov-19... So I'll have to stay home to try to get better and go back dancing a soon as I can! In 2 days I should get better, I really hope so! Otherwise, I may have to stay home for longer period of time, which might bore me!

Right I'm playing a video game that I like very much, but I may switch depending on what my brain will or not try to get me!

Take care everyone :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 12, 2020, 05:58:23 PM »
Thanks both of you! I really need to write here more often, but most of the time my day is going so great that I just don't think about porn at all!

Problems show up when I end up thinking about porn! At that moment I'm really close to a relapse. Like at the beginning...

I relapsed on the night of the 9 mars after waking up after only 1 hour of sleep(it's always like that, 1-3 hours). Today I didn't relapse by the action of  pmo, but p alone for almost 40 min and at work(on my phone)!... the urge was so strong!! I manage to stop, but I'll count that as a relapse.

I'll try a new thing when I'll think about porn, I'll come to this site right away! Just to write about what I feel and let the urges pass!! I'll try that. That way I'll link my addiction to the place that will help me to break the cycle!!

If you want, tell me what you think about that idea!

Take care everyone and thank you again!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 06, 2020, 07:08:02 PM »
Thanks Blue, I sure will do if I find something.

In the meantime, I have relapsed, but that was not completely useless. It made me realise that my brain find way to make me relapse. I haven't sleep much the last 3 days, so I'm tired during the day and I want to take a nap which is a known trigger of mine. I think it's linked! When I was sleeping well I didn't had any wish to take a nap during the day!

My theory is that, my brain convince me to take naps so I get trigger! From now on I'll have to treat these urges to nap like urges to pmo. At least for a while, until I get back on track.

Apart from that yesterday, I had an awesome dance night. Kind of short, but so great that it was really worth it! I'm more than happy to have forced myself to go out!!

Today, was really boring, apart my training this morning! The rest of the day was meh... Tomorrow will be a much better day filled with stuff to do and dancing mainly.

I think I'll try to come write here when I'm bored and can't find thing to do! Write on peoples journal!

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 04, 2020, 07:11:37 PM »
I have problems when I'm tired. I am prone to edging to fantasies and from this it's easy to move to porn. Some time ago, I came home from night shift, I went to sleep, woke up after 3 hours and started edging unconsciously, I wasn't even thinking about it, I "woke up" as if from a trance and realized I was face down and rubbing my dick against the bed. It's still something I don't know how to figure out and Saturday I have night shift again. I hope I don't wake up and relapse.

During the the 3 month and a half before I relapsed I had the same problem. Not as much as edging even though I was doing it a little bit. I relate to that sort of trance!

And thanks Blue! I need to find a small routine to do that take maybe 15 minutes max to help me going to sleep. The weird thing is that I manage to fall asleep, I just wake 1-3 hours later incapable to fall back asleep...

I'm back training and dancing and all! So I got my life pratically to where it was before my broken hand and relapse! The only thing left is my job, which I'm suppose to go back next week!

An extra update, no urges yet. I had once or twice porn thoughs creeping up, but I discard these so fast that I can't(don't want) to remember what they were about! So it's been a week of cleaness and I'm happy with it!

*Added* I'm feeling kind of numb though and I have to force myself to do what I usually love to do! I didn't missed that first month of the reboot... I really hope it will go away soon!

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 27, 2020, 08:05:03 AM »
On this point, though, I think it's important to remember that we do have to replace PMO with something else. You're probably talking about not replacing it with another addiction (which is exactly right), but I think it's impossible to just stop a behavior and not replace it with something else. The goal should be to find something healthy to do instead of PMO when you're bored, not just accept your boredom and do nothing. if we leave big gaps in our life, porn will find a way back in. Fill your life with so many good things that there just isn't room for porn anymore.

You've got this!

Thanks Blue, I think you're right! I've pretty much done that for daytime. The problem that returned is insomnia! And that made me relapse last night. I'll have do do what I found effective for that last time!.. Aka give my phone to another person in the house for the night and cold shower directly on genitals if it's not enough when having strong urges!

For the most part, I'm happy with my situation. It should get even better relatively soon, but for now it's good!

P.S. I don't know if I was alone, but for almost a week I was not able to reach the website?..

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 20, 2020, 04:37:03 PM »
I think I really need to stay out of my place for at least 2 weeks... To give myself time to get back in the habit of being without porn... cause I've relapsed twice since my last post and both time I ended up doing it twice in a row...

The worst thing, is that I know that when I take a nap I get triggered, but I decided to do it anyway!! I'm back in old gearing... I have more experience toward all of that, but it actually kind of open my mind. I have a hard time to cope with boredom, it always has been my only trigger. I'll investigate on how to cope with it without the need to replace it with something else! I'm sure it's possible and if I find the way I'm pretty sure that this addiction will be thing of the past!

In the meantime, I'll stay clear of the house. Eating, showering and sleeping are the only thing I'll do there from now on. Otherwise, I'll just leave and do other things outside!

Oh and one thing, posting here only once a week doesn't work... I tried different variation and the only thing that had work for me in the past has been to post daily! So that's what I'll do!!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 09, 2020, 01:44:48 AM »
I got almost 2 weeks in before another relapse, so I think I'm slowly getting back on track! That's encouraging. I thank you blue for the support, I try to get back as busy as I used to before my injury! With all the stuff that I love to do. Seeing people and all.

I'll try to post once a week! Take care everyone

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: January 28, 2020, 04:57:54 PM »
It's all information to help you make changes that will keep you in safer territory next time.

Shake it off, man, and don't despair. Take what's happening seriously, but remember that you can't go back to square one. All of the things you've learned up until now will serve you well when you get back on track. For now, though, the priority is to stay clean tomorrow.

One day at a time. That's how we do this. Just for tomorrow, you've got this.

Thanks man, but I'm getting back in the cycle of addiction and for now it seem that the only thing that can prevent it is not being home doing nothing... it happen today as well! I think what I lack the most is socialisation! What I was having from dancing and all the other stuff I was doing! So basically, tomorrow will be my day 1, cause I relapsed today and the worst is that I saw it coming a mile away...

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: January 26, 2020, 11:31:31 PM »
Another relapse... I've having some of the worst sleep of my life recently and fantasizing have gotten kind of out of control! I keep getting insomnia... 2 relapse in less than 7 days. Most probably the chaser effect, but I need to cut it out fast or I'll lose most progress I've done! Another thing, it seems to be worst during weekends!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: January 20, 2020, 09:20:48 PM »
Thanks, squid! I really appreciate your perspective (I am definitely getting trapped in my head).

I think you're probably right, it seemed like she was ready to call it off because I already had. When she found out the opposite was true, it made her rethink things. So I'm hopeful.

And you're right about making her feel wanted. That's where I need to step it up, and I'm going to do my best. Thanks for the encouragement

Today was maybe a little better

Church kept me busy for the first half of the day, so that was good. I interacted with a lot of different people, and I came home feeling a little better. I was on my own for the rest of the afternoon, though, so I've been slowly sinking into discouraging thinking again. Not feeling the best right now, but it is what it is. Tomorrow is a new day with new things to do. So we'll see where the day takes me.

Do you best Blue, you do more than that! Plus, when you think about it you come from far and getting better at this game everytime you play it! At this point you can't do much. I guess you could try to do a bunch of stuff you like to get you mood back on track and see after. Usually a really bad idea to text a girl when feeling emotional, the same for any decision in your life as well. Get better and reaccess the situation with a clear head!

That's my thoughts on it. But trust us, you're a big worth for a girl! You really are an awesome person, so trust the fact that she will see it :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: January 20, 2020, 09:11:22 PM »
Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time, man. There are a lot of difficult things piled up on top of each other, for sure. It's sad but maybe not totally surprising that a relapse happened when you were facing difficulties and also unable to do some of the things that have kept you on track.

It's a setback. It's a disappointment. But it doesn't put you back at square one. You haven't undone or canceled out all the good things that you learned during those 4 months clean. All of that is in the bank, and you can get right back to strengthening those habits and growing in your recovery.

Remember, growth isn't linear, mistakes happen along the way. A relapse is only a waste if you don't learn from it, and you're only failing if you give up. So get back at it and keep moving to a brighter future!

Thanks Blue! I think you're right about the fact that it was almost to be expected. I think I saw it coming slowly, but thought that after all that time I would know and avoid it! I grew overconfident.

I went form having not enough time do do all the awesome stuff that my life was filled with before my injury to sitting home doing nothing... I had barely enough time to write here so much I was doing stuff, ended up in the emptiness of the void!

I remember that I stopped almost all the good behaviour and kind of fall into a small depression! Being bored all the time, not wanting to go out of my house, trying to avoid people, feeling like crap, etc...

After the relapse, I've made a plan to get back on track with my injury! No computer(sickness inssurance is an exception) for at least 1 week, no tv, prepare some stuff for an interview tomorrow for an awesome job, get out of the house as much as possible!

I've actually decided to do the opposite of what most of my brain doesn't want to do! For exemple; not getting out, not working out, etc... When I feel like I've been feeling the last 2 weeks, I become extremely lazy and I have to break that cycle. I'll get around that and will get out of that stronger!

Thanks again Blue. I'll try to write here more often from now on! Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: January 19, 2020, 12:38:47 AM »
I didn't wanted to start my first post in the last 3 weeks by that, but I relapsed... I was almost of 4 months... that's kind of depressing! In fact, pretty much like the rest of this month!!

I'll make it short for now and explain in details in another post because it's hard to write!

I broke my hand at the beginning of this month, the girl I've talked about in earlier post has decided to bitch on me at work about that famous night, I can't really dance because of the hand, I'm bored to death at home unable to train except for legs(which I can't overdo either), I've been on sickness leave at work since the broken hand. I had alot of urges the last days and I kind of broke down tonight as I'm unable to sleep yet again!!

I feel like shit, I came a long way to see that the slightest drawback get me to fall back into old bad habits...

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:10:35 AM »
Glad to hear you had a few pretty good days. Day by day, just keep marching forward!

Thanks Blue, I've had a hell of a month though! Not all good but definitely busy like never before!!

Sounds like things are going well!
Okay man, sounds like you really want to do cold approach and have the right idea about doing it intelligently . It definitely fits into my life as well so I can try and post a bit about approaches I do and you can as well. Writing a journal and knowing someone else is reading makes my game better. Cause I'll see a hot girl and be like man I want to write about that approach lol. It kind of depersonalizes it and makes things less nervous

Good idea, it worth a go that's for sure!

Damn, where to start... I've been off the grid 2 week+... I'll start by saying alot happen in those weeks and I'll just quickly resume!

The first week was just busy as hell and I actually almost relapsed during that week! I took a nap during an afternoon where I was really tired and when I woke up I was feeling big urges that made me search for shit on internet. The good thing is that the urges weren't strong enough to make me deactivate the safe search on my engine... after a couple of minutes that felt like eternity I snap out of it, but it's a good reminder to be careful!...

The next day I fell sick and still am... currently, it's been almost a week! I've got a voice extinction(no voice) now! That actually destroyed my other week I couldn't do my social because of high temperature and the risk of giving that sickness to somebody else!

During that sickness, I was and still am sooooo bored! I couldn't train, dance or do anything that I liked for more than a week now... tha fucking suck!! Plus, I've started to slip back into old bad patern, I've mo'ed twice in 3 days :( No pmo yet, but I need to stop right now, because the last time I was really in my old way of thinking and that mean I'm close to a full relapse and I cannot allow that to happen!!

Plus, I have the fear that I may never recover coming back! I try to convince myself that I will just enjoy my life doing all the other stuff that I like, it's still a dreadful thought!..

It's currently some fucked up times that are still in motion, I need to survive those at all cost..

Take care everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: December 10, 2019, 11:39:15 AM »
K-fff's right. It's the addicted part of your brain who try to get you... but you're stronger than that! You actually proved it to yourself by not moing! Now you  have to watch out for some "after effect" of that almost relapse. For a couple if days I would make sure that I'm as busy as possible and spent as much time with friends as possible... just to let the steam down! That's what I would do anyway. After an episode like that, I tended to be more vulnerable to a full relapse!

To be clear, you really have something to be proud of! I think we all know how these shitty urges can be intense!... you resisted that and now you know that you're stronger than your urges! Man, when I realised that, it became way easier. Note that I said easier and not easy! You're in much better position now! Congrats :)

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