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Messages - blueRaccoon

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: June 14, 2019, 08:05:31 AM »
DAY #1


Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: June 13, 2019, 08:25:31 AM »
I am having trouble sleeping since 2 days mainly due to anxiety, my sleep cycle has been shifted by 2-3 hours.

DAY #2
I talked to one of my friends for nearly 2 hours out of anxiety.

DAY #3

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: June 11, 2019, 08:28:45 AM »
Thanks for the words of wisdom on my post. I do not have much to say but I am sure looking forward to both of our progress. Stay strong, and push through the week ahead. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: June 11, 2019, 08:21:45 AM »
I don't remember what attempt or days it is. So starting afresh with day #1

DAY #1

It wasn't clean. I masturbated without porn out of compulsion.

Yesterday I had watched porn and PMOed. Today might be a chaser but  I was fine until I saw something I had imagined I could make my flashlight with. I was immediately taken over by the impulses and started to masturbate using it. When I realized that it wasn't going to work as I thought it would, I humped a pillow and got myself relieved. After having orgasmed, I didn't really know what made me do it and was trying to figure out the trigger for a while and then recalled having seen that flashlight of mine. My brain getting on autopilot happens a lot with me and obviously, it is the addiction.

Another thing I need to confirm with you guys is that my brain seems to be always out of my control. I can not stop it from thinking things I don't want to (not necessarily porn). It seems to connect the dots very rapidly. I used to listen to songs a lot and my brain has this bad habit of bringing up the songs as per the situation I am in. When I relapse and feel guilty "I don't wanna live forever" by Zyan Malik plays in my mind, when I deeply realize my addiction the lines "When I finally got sober, I felt 10 years older" from "I took a pill in Ibiza" plays. Another thing with my brain is that everything seems to leave a deep impact if I watch porn for the day, it will keep on popping up in my brain and I would dream about it too. Similar things happen if I study for the day, watch a movie or do something, else, those activities would stay for the day and my brain would connect everything with them and try to bring the memories of it. I think these all are the result of porn.
Have you had similar experiences?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: June 11, 2019, 08:03:32 AM »
Thank you. I needed that.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: June 07, 2019, 05:16:35 AM »
Things didn't change much. I haven't taken a single step forward since I left the forum for a while. I relapsed yesterday. I had been watching porn without masturbating to it for weeks before this relapse. It was really hard for me to come back here, I felt a bit of resistance within myself before I could say something. It feels like a confession to all of you that I have been doing absolutely nothing about this addiction. I might be ranting about this addiction now but I don't know what else to do. It gets tough to keep myself on the track all alone. I do not enjoy porn anymore, nor I deliberately wish to watch it but whenever I'm alone all I would do is watch porn while thinking somewhere in my mind that its not worth it anymore. I do not know what to do. I often try to act all strong and fake it for most of the time but inside I'm all confused and scared.

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: March 15, 2019, 10:11:39 AM »
Happy to see you in your 3rd week. Keep making the progress brother. All the best! :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 15, 2019, 10:07:38 AM »
Thank you Rebooter and BlueHeronFan.
The relapse was worst and really shook me up. I have installed filters to make sure and restricted the laptop to a bare minimum so that I don't access porn over my laptop. Things were good even after that. I managed to get see some nudes somehow on two occasions,  though I did not follow exposure to MO but that guilt for me and for my brain, not receiving the pleasure which it usually got really made me go crazy. I was angry for no reason and there were plenty of negative thoughts. Somehow I initiated a conversation about it with my sibling in a cryptic way. The discussion turned from cryptic porn issue to some other issue, and it was heartfelt conservation. I felt good after it and things have been normal since then. I am yet to adopt a good lifestyle hence the problem is not solved yet. I will take the necessary steps in days to come.
Your support has something which kept me focused on the issue, prevented me from going crazy and feeling uncontrolled. This forum has always reminded me that this addiction is something I have to fight and win over and I can do that. Thanks a lot, guys. I won't be continuing to post here on a daily basis but once in a while, I feel this is to be a right approach for me for now as I want to minimize the laptop use. However, I still will be checking out your journals and do look forward to your support when I feel down.
All the best guys. We can win this.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 07, 2019, 07:18:50 AM »
DAY #41

Day 38 was clean. On day 39 I relapsed and it was followed by the relapses on day 40 and 41 also. Don't wanna say anything more than that.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 07, 2019, 07:12:26 AM »
Thanks for the support rebooter. But sadly I relapsed again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 03, 2019, 08:08:17 AM »
DAY #37

P without MO

Things were going alright but I stumbled upon something then searched for hot pics(no nudity) then to visited some confession pages, some of the confessions were about their sexual life/secrets and it eventually was a P read for me. I did not dwell in them much but definitely exposed myself to artificial stimulation that too of erotic nature. Hence, counting it as a relapse and resetting the counter.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 02, 2019, 10:00:04 AM »
DAY #36

7th Day Clean.

I wasn't feeling good for the last two days. I was having suicidal thoughts, not like "I want to die" but rather "please someone kill me". It was very difficult for me to maintain normal behavior. I bought a notebook dairy for myself and started writing my thoughts in it, though mostly negative but I believe it helped. I live with my sibling, she was going through some stress lately and to run away from that she started binging on some of her favorite tv shows. It made me very sad to see her using this wicked coping mechanism (as I do in form of P). It broke me. I told her to stop and face the problem but she resorted to them anyway. Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore and I cried while telling her to stop. It did stop her but also made me realize many things about myself. While telling her to stop I said: "You are the only person I talk to and get some sense of socialization, If you keep on watching the series, whom I would talk to, I am all alone". These lines were something I thought I would say, they came out from my mouth without my realization. She did agree that I am lonely, I got friends but I don't talk to them much, I do not hang out with anyone except her when she asks me to and it was a reality check for me. I never realized that whenever I claimed to have friends, it was nothing but people I had with me in the past and now they are gone. I was heartbreaking to realize this and it still troubles me. All the relations in life do not just happen, they need constant effort and time to stay strong. I ignored my friends and now they are gone, If I want to win them over, I need to put an effort into the relationships again. For now, I have decided two things -

Friday - Call a friend who is in a distant place.

Saturday - Meet a friend who is nearby.

Coming back today, as I have mentioned that I wasn't feeling good for the last two days, I decided to meet my parents today and went home as early as possible. Spent the entire day with my parents, realized that I tend to isolate myself from them too. I talked to my mother but wasn't that open to my father (nothing abnormal in the relationship, I'm just close to my mother). Nothing else happened, no urges, no cravings for today. I want to work on my relationships for the time being.

Ages 20-29 / Re: I need to change.
« on: March 02, 2019, 09:32:11 AM »
The truth is, we will be addicted for life. These pathways might go dormant and we are able to control the addiction but it'll be there forever. Those pathways won't go away unfortunately.

It's a great relief to realize this. Wondering whether I am rebooted or not is somewhat disturbing, it's always better to adopt the porn free lifestyle for the rest of our lives. It gets more things clearer in this journey.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: March 01, 2019, 05:32:31 AM »
DAY #35

6th Day clean.

Went to the class, came back. Instead of using the laptop, tried to rest for a while and let the things settle down. Had some fantasies going on as this one super cute girl in the class was interested in me. I have decided not to indulge in love, sex, relationships for a while. At present all the choices I make are influenced in these spheres are influenced by the P-addiction, so I think it would be best for me to keep them on hold till I get over this addiction or get clarity about them. While I didn't use the laptop as I used yesterday. I did access my facebook account, It was deactivated for a long time. I had the urge to talk to someone or rather to chat with someone, but none of my friends are in the city where live, I compulsively accessed the FB account. I looked at my timeline, it had the photos of my college days and I was happy to see them. Soon, I deactivated my facebook profile again, as there was no one I would really chat to there.

Though I used Facebook today without any real purpose but I do not have any regrets about it rather I feel happy that it brought back many memories. I do not plan to compulsively use it any further, real friends would be way better than that.

I haven't done exercise or meditation today but I plan to do them in the evening.

Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 days of no sex or porn | staying accountable | Journal
« on: February 28, 2019, 07:34:22 AM »
We are to support you throughout your journey!! Good luck man!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 28, 2019, 07:29:10 AM »
DAY #34

5th Clean day.

The day was nothing different. I didn't do exercise and meditation today and there were some urges but I was able to identify them and control them before they could have taken over the brain. I used my laptop for most of the time when I was alone. This was surely the reason for urges. I hope to fix that.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 28, 2019, 07:15:29 AM »
Thank you guys.

@Rebooter2019, Yeah, I feel the same way. Using substitutes ain't a good idea.

@kaingang, looking forward to your gains to brother.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 27, 2019, 07:43:25 AM »
DAY #33

4th Clean day.

Nothing much happened, was busy with the classes and some other work.
I have been watching animes(clean) lately whenever I am alone. I don't think it is a problem as I didn't have any urges and avoid getting the secrecy by keeping the doors always open. But somewhere I feel it is not the right thing to do, whenever I open my laptop to watch some shows a part of my brains says not to do it. Watching it when some part of me says no to is giving in to the urges and it has never been good to do so. I do not intend to watch animes (for the time being) but I do not know how to proceed with it. I haven't been doing meditation and exercise, so nothing has been achieved since the last relapse. I have confined myself to the comfort zone of mine and once something impeaches this zone, I know for sure I would fall back to the devil again.

I gotta be strong, I have to step out of my shell and win it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 26, 2019, 07:07:20 AM »
DAY #32

3rd Clean day.

Just another usual day.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Connecting the dots ( This year i will change)
« on: February 25, 2019, 06:54:23 AM »
Stay with us brother. You can do this. We will get through this struggle.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Return to Nature
« on: February 25, 2019, 06:52:02 AM »
You inspire me a lot. Keep walking the right brother. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 25, 2019, 06:50:21 AM »
DAY #31

2nd  Clean day

I slept well, a deep sleep took all the unnecessary thoughts away. Woke up pretty much clean, It felt like as if I was meditating while I slept. Thoughts were clearer and were focused on the right things- works and productivity. I didn't do exercise or meditation today but I am not worried about it much as I plan to take things slow this time. Later on, I went to the class, it was peaceful, I found my mind wandering very often from one chain of thoughts to others. This happens often but the new thing today was that I consciously noticed it instead of going with the flow and not being able to stop it. It is a quiet day but it feels good.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 25, 2019, 06:40:30 AM »
Thanks rebooter. At first, I couldn't really understand what it means to love myself, is it the treating yourself with the things you love or something else. I was never the guy to enjoy doing something alone, the movies, outings etc. were all with friends always and I liked it that way only, so it was always difficult to accept that the typical definition of loving myself. The version I have accepted for myself is putting myself first, I often did things for others if they wanted it and even when I didn't feel like doing it, now I am trying to put my choices first. If I don't want to do something, it's a no for them and that's not gonna change no matter what their argument is. I am trying to do things because I want to do it and not because I have to do it because of someone or something. It is something that I have started after the recent relapse and the thoughts I had. I hope to cherish this idea for as long as I could.

@15december18, I haven't been good with the To-Do lists or schedule, the only time I could stick to the schedule and complete the task at the hand was when I was chasing this certain goal of mine and was sure to achieve it, this was also the time when I was clean for over a month I guess. I hope to make a schedule for myself and stick to it. Thanks for quoting the older post, it reminds me of what I have to do. DO THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE DOING.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Life of relapsed rebooter
« on: February 25, 2019, 06:22:37 AM »
great! keep on going.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 24, 2019, 07:27:00 AM »
DAY #30

No MO but came across a nude.

I couldn't sleep last night, maybe I slept for only 3 hours or so. The night was weird, I craved love, I felt this sudden need for someone to tell me that she cares for me, that she loves (platonic) me. That "she" was one of my closest friends, I haven't met her in a while nor talked to her. I thought I missed her and started texting her, I told her that  I miss her and that she means a lot to me  but when I didn't get the reply which I was accepting (just the  reciprocation of feelings), I felt that I do not miss her I just wanted to hear that she cares about me, that there are people who care about me. The rest of the night was filled with similar thoughts. There's a big hole inside me which craves loves, but no matter how many people I put inside it, it keeps on expanding. Unless I love myself, I won't be able to love anyone else or to appreciate the love others are giving to me. When I woke up at 4 am in the morning with these thoughts, I wasn't able to fall asleep again. I stayed awake, started studying. Around 9 am, I called another friend of mine just to wake her up and wish her a good morning (that's it). It felt pretty good. I called one of my guy friends but of course, that asshole preferred to sleep instead of picking up my call (as expected of him). Overall it was a good experience, I don't know why I did it, It felt like my brain was on autopilot but it felt good.

I went to the class, came back and met a few friends.
I came back home, opened the messenger on my laptop to text one of my friends, her name is the same as that of one of the actresses. While typing in her name in the search bar, the messenger showed a channel named after the actress, I clicked the channel, that channel had a morphed image of the actress, my brain went all YEAH!! I searched for 2 more actresses, the 1st one was clean and while searching for the 2nd one I closed the messenger before anything could have appeared. I do not want to count it as a clean day and I have to be careful about the rest of the day.

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