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Messages - Sentimental_geek

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 24, 2019, 08:49:38 AM »
I just read your first post and a few others. I know how tough this battle is. And I'm with you in the fight.

I loved what you wrote about going back to college to study Psychology and taking up those hobbies. I love the sound of that life!
How is all that going for you at the moment?


Fall down 6 times, get up 7 times bro!

Unfortunately still falling a bit and having to pick myself up again! Relapsed last night. Still in a cycle of a couple of days then falling back again.

I've now had 3 therapy sessions and they have been working on building my back story and identify goals. Next we we start the proper therapy plan. This will be specific to porn addiction. So whilst we look at areas that may be contributing to it, this will be very much about overcoming the addiction as the overall goal. I'm really not sure what to expect to be honest! But something has to give!

2
This has been an issue in research too. Some of those voicing against the idea of Porn being addictive are them selves advocates and even involved with the porn industry. I see it as being a bit like smoking years ago. Once upon a time you would get adverts saying "your doctor advises smoking X brand cigarettes". No doctor in their right mind would advocate using any brand of cigarettes now due to the known health risks.

3
Porn Addiction / Re: is it a relapse
« on: November 17, 2019, 09:12:58 AM »
No. Neither sticking your tongue out or licking an ice cream are pornographic.

A relpase is watching/looking at actual porn. It would also include masturbating to ejaculation over it.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 17, 2019, 09:06:11 AM »
Unfortunately relapsed yesterday by looking at porn. Didn't go full PMO but did look and touch myself for a bit so counting it as a relapse. Previously I would just put that down to peaking. But I think its better to be honest with myself on this. Peeking for me has a direct route to full on PMO. SO I figure by being honest and framing it as a relapse I can at least try and break the cycle of rationalising doing it again before it leads to full on PMO binge.

Been thinking alot about how I managed to get success in previous streaks and what may have gone wrong in them. Doing this in the aftermath of peeking has definitely helped me refocus. 

So effectively i'm back to day 0 but more aware at least from my mistake.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 15, 2019, 06:18:00 PM »
Well i'm on day 3...i think? Not been using a counter but been clean for a few days at least! But most importantly, I had my first proper therapy session yesterday evening. So for the first time ever, I told another human, face to face, that I have an addiction to porn and gave an insight into what it has done to my life. I'm kinda shocked that i've done it, but ultimately glad. This will be a long road, but I know its the best step to take. I've been trying for 6 years with mixed success to quit. But ultimately being in the same cycle of relapse is doing nothing for me. The therapists specialises in sex and porn addictions so i'm in good hands. Having had counselling before I also know that on my part i have to lay it bear and be 100% honest.

Something he did ask which got me thinking is how I had intial success with rebooting. In the first 2 year I had streaks if about 50 days, 20  days, 80 days then 160 or so days plus a load of shorter ones. Thats before cycles of relapse and the odd streak of 70 or so days, 50 days then the recent cycle of maybe 2 weeks tops. So i'm gonna sit down with a note pad and try and figure that all out. There was definatley something back then that was pushing me on that I seem to have lost. So its time to have a dig for some ideas/answers and influence.

6
Porn Addiction / Re: Therapy?
« on: November 15, 2019, 04:00:30 PM »

[/quote]

Great to hear!

Consider sharing your experiences here as time goes on, as I'm sure many others will have the same initial question you did.
[/quote]

Thanks. I will do. I also have a story thread here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16102.0

But I will add to this as my therapy unfolds. Ive brrn trying to reboot for 6 years with varied sucess but over the last 2 its got bad again. Therapy is a new approach.

7
Porn Addiction / Re: Therapy?
« on: November 14, 2019, 05:38:28 PM »
Following the assessment session the other week, I had my first session with the actual therapist I will be working with. He was really nice, and he has experience of Porn addiction. It was the first time, other than on here, that I shared any details of my addiction with another human being face to face. Feels a little odd, but also very honest. Its early days but I can feel some focus from it.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 11, 2019, 07:56:31 PM »
So relapsed twice today. Even got stuk in a fight between urges and reality at one point. A completely surreal moment. But in the end spent 2 hours looking at porn and now feel shit. There is a lot riding on me at the mo. I have exams in 3 weeks and if i cant shake this i pose a rwal chance of fucking up a lot! Like the last 3 years of my life. Everything ive aimed for and worked towards could go up in smoke due to my fucking porn addiction. Im sick of being a slave. But it keeps on cycling. I feel really stuck and consumed by this at the moment. Cant see a way out

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 11, 2019, 02:02:16 PM »
Well...just relapsed again. Really cant get on top of this at the moment. Urges today have been insufferable but I started peeking then just caved. I even knew I shoud stop but kept on going. Fuck, this is not good! Its the worse cycle of relapse i've had in a while.

10
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Online Therapy & Help
« on: November 10, 2019, 05:31:18 PM »
Noahs stuff looks really good. Hes totally comitted to the cause and has some really good videos on PA. I hope it all goes well for you.

I start therapy myslef on thursday. I'm lucky there is a place near me that deals in psychosexual issues including porn addiction. I'm not in a relationship so cant comment on that perspective, tho PA has definately had a huge effect in relationships i've had, much to my detriment.

Anyhow, I really hope it works out for you both.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 10, 2019, 05:28:20 PM »
After a second relapse yesterday I managed to force myself to get out the house. I was walking through town I literally felt drunk. Nearly walking into people and things and could not string a sentence together when in shops. Not good. I went to the gym and did some hard cardio and that helped clear the mind abit then came home, ate, studies and chilled out. It was mabey just enough to make me realise that the cycle has to be broken no matter how hard it is.

Today I've felt much better and as I write, just before going to bed I can say today has been porn free! A small success! But i'm disappointing in how this is going for me. Luckily I have my first proper therapy appointment on Thursday. THis therapy is purely about my porn addiction. The place specialises in psychosexual issues. So there is no Hiding it. I will be discussing with a therapist how porn addiction has effected my life and trying to find a  way out the hole. Feels a bit odd even writing this as the only place i've ever been open about it is on forums like this and in personal message accountability things. But now it comes face to face with a therapist.  I'm a bit scared to be honest. But I also know from previous therapy experience that it can do a lot of help. And thats what I need for this is help! I've been aware of my addiction for about 6 years now and in a cycle of reboot and relapse. Its got worse again over the last couple of years, gradually, after some initial success. So here I go! Its my intention to stay clean between now and thursday.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 09, 2019, 09:11:11 AM »
The cycle just isnt being broken. Relapsed twice yesterday and once today. Its out of controll again

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 07, 2019, 01:25:12 PM »
Another relapse today. Urges have been unbearable. I've no doubt its a result of chaser effect from binges. Feels almost uncontrollable. My target now is to basically get one full day without a relapse. Right now that will feel like any progress! I dont even feel upset. Just numb! I have so many ore things I could be doing with my time but its falling to bits at the drop of a hat. Not sure why my therapy is going to start but cant come soon enough. I'm waiting to hear back. Not that I see that as the single answer to all my problems. Not by a long shot! But I need something else to help as right now i'm really struggling!

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 06, 2019, 06:16:15 PM »
Sadly I relapsed tonight, twice, once after the other. Caught by the chaser, but also caught in the first place. I'm falling to bits a little!! I am mega stressed at the moment with university work and exams looming. My home life is not great either as I have a flat mate who is really anti social and not welcoming. So thats not helping

But ultimately this is my fault and my doing. I cant seem to get back on track at the moment. I cant seem to clear my head and fight the urges like I could even a week or so ago. And when I slip I tend to explode. I dont even really want to do it deep down, byt my addicted brain takes over. I feel numb but at some point i'm gonna emotionally explode. sick of it. really sick of it

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 05, 2019, 05:55:03 PM »
Managed 2 days so far.

Its been tough the last 2. It really does  remind me how awful a relapse is. That feeling of god awful despair, especially after a binge. But i'm getting there. I have exams in a month so that has been giving me stress and fear as well. The relapse has not really helped either. Its like all me confidence has collapsed. But I had a good evening tonight and also had a good gym session which helped. I know I can get through this slip up but its hard. Waiting to hear back from the therapist to see when I will start sessions properly. It feels right to be taking this action. I'm fully convinced my addiction is not just an addiction but is caused by something. In my life i've endured a phyisically and emotionally abusive father, 22 years of being undiagniosed with dyslexia and having to come to terms with that, feeling I was stupid, and feeling I was inadequate and inept with women. Porn has helped none of it, but I know things cause the porn addiction too. So its time to be honest and try and dig this out.

In the mean time, my goal is to carry on with reeboots. In the last year I have been in a cycle of relapse but did manage runs of 25 days, 20 days, a few 10 and 12 day streaks and a lot of shorter ones too. I have to give myself credit for the fact I keep trying. But its hard.


16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 03, 2019, 05:27:56 PM »
Relapsed again today. This has turned into a full on binge. Like out of control! Thats about 6 times in the last 3 days.
This is how bad it gets for me. I seem to get 10 or so days "hard mode" then i collapse compleatly. I kinda know I dont even want to do it and the aftermath will hurt. But still I let go.

I felt awful most of today as well after yesterdays relapse, which makes another one today even harder and frustrating. I feel pretty lost and lonely at the moment. And thats separate from the addiction, although its playing a part too. But i'm in a place in life right now where I dont have that many people close to me about. I dont have a huge amout of people close to me anyway as i've always been a bit of a loaner. But I really feel it just now. more than usual.

Jesus I hate this!!

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: November 02, 2019, 10:19:50 AM »
Sentimental_geek

Wow, congratulations on trying something new and taking the big step of telling someone about it face to face! I've heard it mentioned that addictions thrive in secrecy, but once you start opening up to others in person and shining some light on the secret, the power that it wields over you weakens.

Please don't ever give up. I've been struggling with this for well over a decade, but I never truly gave up, and now I feel like I am on the bona fide path to recovery. The one that leads out of this long, dark tunnel to a place with far better scenery.

Take care and good luck.

Thanks for your kind words.

Unfortunately I relapsed yesterday, 3 times and MO'd twice this morning. THis is why I need therapy to help me!
I think in part its related to 1) Being tired and hungover on friday. And 2, and somewhat most interestingly, I was at a party that thursday before the hangover day and I realsied that 1) I dont really enjoy drinking anymore and 2) I find it difficult being round certian types of people. One person in particular I have kind of become friends with but I had this big realisation that deep down, I dont really like him. A story of my life has been trying to "fit in" with people. It suddenlty dawned on me that this was another example and actually It feels really false to pretend and liberating to be honest. But its left a funny feeling too. I am a very lonley person and i've no doubt porn use is directly linked to that.

So, yeah, I'm a bit all over the place today!!

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: October 30, 2019, 06:45:55 PM »
On day 8

To day was mega buisy and a bit stressful and felt the occasional urge but managed to keep a lid on it.

Yesterday I had my first session with a therapist. It was an assesment session giving some back story of my life and what I felt my issues were. But in honesty it was the first time I had discussed my porn addiction with nayone face to face. I have discussed the subject of it with people before, but never in reference with myself and my own struggles. It only struck me afterwards and today how kinda big that is for me. I have been massively alone with this. save from forum posts. They said for sure that they can help me and Identified what thay, and I beleive is possible causes of my addiction. Its a long way to go and i've just started. But i'm pleased i'm taking this route with therapy. I've been trying and failing for 6 years now so something has to give.

19
Porn Addiction / Re: Therapy?
« on: October 30, 2019, 06:40:10 PM »
I had my first therapy session the other day. it was an assesment session  to see what would/could help and give a bit of a background. Wasnt till I left and though about it today that I realised for the first time ever I had discussed my experiance with porn addiction with someone face to face. Felt a bit weird but also kinda proud of myself for doing it. I also realised tho that this is gonna be a long road!

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: October 24, 2019, 05:40:22 PM »
Day 3

not a lot to report. Mood has definatley lifted and had a fairly constructive day. Generally feeling better about myself and starting to get more focus. This is good as its also leading me to be actively finding things to do, which makes a big change to the start of the week when I was really quite down. So trying to make hay while the sun shines. Even went to the cinema on my own I did almost get a bit pre-occupied on a news website earlier clicking on a trasy article or 2 but managed to stop. Locked up my safe search as well. Whilst filters maybe dont stop relapses, they can at least act as a reminder if you are about to do something stupid. No word from the therapists yet but I will keep waiting and If i hear nothing chase them up.

So all in all i'm doing ok. Certianly much better than I was.



21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: October 24, 2019, 05:53:27 AM »
Day 2

So I have managed 2 days. Happy to say my mood has lifted a bit. Getting some focus back and a bit of purpose. I have a lot of work for university over the next few weeks so its something to put my mind to. Unfortunately my first therapy screening appointment was cancelled due to the therapist being sick. A little frustrating but they will be in touch to rearrange in due course. So its a bit of a waiting game but at least I know it will be coming at some point. I've no doubt things will possibly get worse before they get better but thats kida why I have opted for therapy. I'm fed up ding this compleatly alone. Even having the forums still leaves a hole as i'm convinced there are a few things behind my addiction that I have to get to the bottom of. I was reminded earlier how the process of no fap has previously led me to be honest about aspects of my life. Whilst that was a challenge it was also a huge positive in the long run. So short term pain can bring long term gain. But its hard. No doubt about it!

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: October 22, 2019, 01:09:26 PM »
So I guess I'm on day one for my most recent reboot. To be honest I feel like shit. My anxiety is really high and my mood is flip-flopping quite a bit. I think part of its nervous about going to see a therapist. Some of it is also frustration with where I live because one of my flatmates is very strange and unwelcoming. I'm not eating very well at the moment either, as im tending to eat quite a lot of junk. I'm also quite tired and I've been taking naps quite a lot just to try and switch off. I have a week of university and doing an essay by really have little motivation and are not confident it's gonna get a good mark either. My mind is racing a lot with anxious thoughts and uncertainty. So is making things quite difficult.

Towards the end of my last reboot which was 19 days fully clean, I was starting to feel quite anxious and a bit lost as well, I think partly due to flat line and also due to withdrawal. However towards the end of it it did seem like my libido woke up in a really bad mood with hellish urges. As usual when you relapse you kid yourself for a little bit that's made things better. But it's not, it's definitely worse. I think I'm stuck with that feeling again never get out of this. Although in part that's why I'm opting for the therapy route. Particularly this time the emphasis will be on my addiction and not just  other issues I've had in life. But all in all, I'm definitely not good at the moment. I am going to force myself to go to the gym though and get some exercise and see if that gives me a little bit of a boost. I can only try at the moment.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: October 22, 2019, 01:00:03 PM »
Decided to make a return to posting on this forum having taken a break for a while.

I've pretty much continued in the cycle of rebooting for a few days then relapsing. Over the last six weeks or so and maybe had a period of about 10 days clean followed by a major relapse binge. Most recently I managed 19 days but then relapsed and binged. I've managed about two days this week but have been occasionally peaking.

However, I have decided to change tact. After my relapse from 19 days streak I came to realise that I cannot do this on my own, and not even forums are enough. I've been aware of my addiction for nearly 6 years and been in a constant battle with it having been previously oblivious. In that time however I have had limited intimacy and no relationships. I have tried things like tinder and other dating apps but I usually end up hijacking myself. Either by using it as a substitute for porn, or just making a mess of it whenever I chat to girls I would actually like. I also moved house in July but have ended up somewhere where I really don't like people are living with. I think this is further compounded my loneliness and my lack of self-worth. That's possibly led to relapse, but more importantly it's definitely something that underpins my addiction.

As a result I have decided to go and see a therapist and seek some proper help. I have found one in my area that has experience with porn addiction. I'm completely petrified about going in doing this, but I also feel it's something that I have to do because otherwise I've no idea I'm gonna get out of this rut. There has been times in the last couple of years where I have felt it's been as bad as it was maybe seven years ago. Despite some improvements in areas of my life, I definitely feel so much as lacking. So this is an action that needs to be taken.

24
Porn Addiction / Re: Therapy?
« on: October 22, 2019, 06:18:27 AM »
I'm going to weekly therapy since the beginning of the year and my therapist helped me greatly in tackling my PMO issue and other problems in my life. She (yes, it's a woman who I talk to about porn and sex issues) is an absolute blessing. I'm quite sure, I wouldn't be where I am now, hadn't I met her.

But DoneAtLast is right in so far that some therapist or even urologists are absolutely clueless about the whole issue. Luckily, I found a therapist who took me seriously and my urologist was aware of the problem as well. My actual therapist was the third therapist I tried, after having trial lessons with two therapis who didn't fit me. In hindsight, I'm really happy that I was insistent in finding a therapist who fit me and didn't settle for the first one. If you meet a therapist who tells you porn is natural and healthy, say a friendly good bye, save your and his/her time, and look for the next one.

Hope it helps!

Hi. Yes thats a great help! Luckily the therapy centre i will be going to identifies porn addiction as a real issue effecting people. My assessment appointment was sadly rescheduled for Thursday (it was meant to be today) . But its good to hear it has helped you. When I had it previously it did tho I did not raise the issue of porn addiction. I was on a long streak at that point I guess so felt I didn't need to discuss it.

My issues seems to have been that discovering I had an addiction brought action. With that action  brought some ,introspection on areas of my life that I was not happy about. I spoke to a therapist initially and that greatly helped wit that part. But the porn addiction cycle has remained in the shape of attempted reboot then relapse again. So there is definitely something there underneath that i either cant quite see or am blocking in. Its really started to do my head in. Feels like I'm half way there but still bound to step backwards at times. Left me frustrated and confused!

25
Porn Addiction / Re: Therapy?
« on: October 21, 2019, 02:25:27 PM »
I came really close, but my finances/insurance situation prevented me.  Long story short I ended up quitting for good, and while that technically means I didn't "need" therapy, how I got over the final hurdles was by basically being my own therapist and considering things from that angle.

I do remember shopping around for therapists in my area, and some explicitly said on their sites that they helped people with sex and porn addictions.  I say this because I've also heard horror stories of people going to therapists and being told that porn addiction isn't real and that porn isn't bad for them.

Well done on getting through man! Thats amazing! Being your own therapist is a great ability to have. I can do it sometimes but have been really struggling recently. I'm kinda lucky that where I am (Scotland) there are charities that do therapy for a simple donation.

I made sure that sex/porn addiction was mentioned. The ones i'm going to are specifically sex and relationship orientated. THere is still a lot of debate over porn addiction but i'm supportive of the science that is showing its definatley an issue. How on earth can it be not bad for you or "sex positive" if you are doing it 4 times aday, constantly tired, anxious and feel unable to get a real partner??

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