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Messages - HarveyManfrengensen

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: September 06, 2018, 03:36:17 PM »
I had another slip up on Tuesday, always on Tuesday it seems, but I finally snapped out of it after a few minutes of browsing nsfw posts on reddit. 

I went to therapy today and it went really well.  We discussed some of my issues I have from my youth that might have led me to using porn to escape daily problems, etc.  I have some "homework" too.  I need to set up something like net nanny on my phone and computers to keep me from slipping up.

Overall it was a great session.

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 31, 2018, 01:17:48 PM »
Yesterday was a good day.  I got home and was able to watch some football so that was great.  I worked on a little side job I picked up and made some extra money and then I brushed and shocked my pool.  I was busy and not thinking about P at all during most of the day.  I still find myself pulling my phone out of my pocket for no reason at all.  I am sure it is just residual habits.  I used to pull it out to peek at something all the time so I am still used to reaching in and pulling it out of my pocket all the time.


3
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 30, 2018, 01:45:07 PM »
Alright! All of my slip up so far have been at the exact same url so I installed a blocker and now that url is not easily accessible.  I mean I could get around it but at least this will stall me and make me snap out of it like you said.

I totally understand your analogy.

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 30, 2018, 01:27:21 PM »
Quote
I had to block myself.

I'm going to look into that. 

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 30, 2018, 09:29:48 AM »
checking in...

I had a repeat moment of weakness yesterday and saw a dozen or so images and gifs that I should not have seen.  So that's two days in a row that I slipped up.  I keep telling myself that it wasn't that big of a deal because I didn't M to it and I didn't spend a lot of time doing it but let's face it, it falls dead smack in the middle of what I was doing before, my problem was numerous short sessions of viewing NSFW material throughout the day, all while not even touching myself.  So it is a big deal and I know it.

Like others have already suggested, I need to stay away from Reddit on my PC just as I have managed to do on my phone.

I am keeping this forum open in a tab on my browser at all times so that it is a visual reminder to behave myself whenever I open the browser.

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: New Culture Needed - Day 7 Now What?
« on: August 29, 2018, 02:31:18 PM »
that is very interesting...I am going to read up a little on that 7 day cycle.....maybe that is exactly what is going on.

At my low point, I couldn't even get it up with porn.  I wasn't even masturbating to porn, just looking at it for short periods of time, several SEVERAL times a day.  So I think I trained myself to not even get aroused by sexual imagery.  I was just getting that high from it mentally.  So dumb!


7
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 29, 2018, 01:40:13 PM »
Well, I called the male out of town therapist and got some info.  I am not sure I can afford him as he is quite expensive and out of my insurance network.  I called and left a message with the local recommended therapist to find out how long her waiting list is to get an idea of how long it might take to get in to see her.  My previous therapist is advising me not to see her in the meantime because she doesn't want me to start work with one person only to restart with another at a later date. 

I guess I will wait for a callback from the local lady and see where to go from there.

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: New Culture Needed - Day 7 Now What?
« on: August 29, 2018, 11:47:26 AM »
Hey newstart,

I totally understand the 7 day itch.  I have been doing this reboot thing for 3 weeks now and so far I have had some sort of mess up on every 7th day.  I haven't fallen completely off the wagon on those days but I was definitely hanging over the edge of the wagon.

I am hoping that now that I recognize this pattern, I will be able to beat it.

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 29, 2018, 11:43:27 AM »
Of course, you guys are right!  I need to remember all of the other fun options there are in bed that doesn't require a penis.

**side note**
I have not been active enough in searching out a therapist.  My previous therapist is encouraging me to see someone she knows and feels would be good for this addiction but they are in another town about 45 minutes away.  I am very busy day to day with 2 jobs.  My day job already lets me leave early each day to get to my second job so I hate to take even more time away to go to another town for therapy.  It would take a half day to get it done.  The out of town therapist initially suggested a 3rd therapist in my town but she has a very long waiting list.  (I am not sure that she would be good for me anyway....she's kind of a hot blonde with big boobs....I know myself, I might spend more time sneaking peeks at her body instead of focusing on my therapy.)  But professionally she comes highly recommended.

But not going to a therapist is in and of itself a bad thing too.  I'm not sure what I am going to do.

UGH!!

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 29, 2018, 08:37:27 AM »
wow thanks guys!  it really cheered me up to see so many supportive responses.    I'm just taking it one day at a time now.

I got up and meditated this morning.  I think it helped.

Last night my wife and I fought over me not initiating sex with her more often.  She never initiates because she wants to feel like I want her....so she just waits.  Now with my libido being pretty much nonexistent, that makes for a pretty bad scenario.  I don't think about initiating so she ends up being very frustrated.  I guess I will just try to initiate something every other night or so, so she feels wanted.  I just hate initiating sex when I feel like there is a 90% chance my equipment isn't going to work.  It's like a catch-22.


11
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 28, 2018, 02:45:23 PM »
feeling so stupid right now. I don't know what happened to me but before I knew it I was looking at /r/all/new on reddit and of course I saw a lot of nudity and sexual imagery. I'm so dumb.

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 27, 2018, 12:45:09 PM »
Quote
My point was that I have elevated the elements like m, ogling, and searches on Instagram to the level of major concern

Man I get you.  I have been having major temptations too in the form of fantasy mostly and some ogling.

I guess I have told myself that my own imagination isn't off limits.  I thought that fantasizing about a real woman and real scenarios with myself as an active partner in the scene was OK. 

Do you feel it is not ok to fantasize about being with real women?  I am not doing this while masturbating....I am mostly doing it while driving or waiting to fall asleep.

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Addict
« on: August 27, 2018, 12:39:43 PM »
You made me think about the old Batman movie quote.

Quote
Why do we fall?  So we can get back up again.

So you fell over the weekend, it sounds like you got back up again and are moving forward with your recovery and not dwelling too much on the mistake.  Good Job!

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« on: August 27, 2018, 12:34:16 PM »
Chuckman! my thoughts are will you and your wife.  I really hope she can find some peace in her life and get better fast.  Dealing with loss is so hard!  Hang in there man! 

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 27, 2018, 12:27:10 PM »
Hey guys, thanks for the support.  I really appreciate it.

I am looking into some software for all of my family's devices because I want to protect my children from this addiction as well.  I don't want them having the same problems I have developed.

Over the weekend I was very busy so I managed to keep my mind away from P for the most part.  I did have it cross my mind once in a while but I fought off the urges.

A difficult night with my wife last night definitely caused me to want to relapse just because I wanted to escape.  I didn't do it though so I am pretty happy about that.

I talked to my doctor about my addiction....I think I just wanted to share with someone, anyone.  She was very interested and said she has had many other patients with the same physical issues.   

Thanks again everyone!

PS - I'm also trying to overcome an addiction to Dr. Pepper...I am not doing anywhere near as well with it as I am with P.  haha 

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 24, 2018, 10:54:18 AM »
I feel like no one is reading any of this but oh well.  Checking in....

Last night was easy as well. No super strong urges.  What urges I did have I was able to get past due to the preventative measures I have taken. 

Still no strong libido to speak off.  I am having very vivid dreams nightly and often wake up with an erection in the middle of the night and once in a while in the morning.

I think I have some intimacy issues that are in the way of me initiating sex with my wife.....something to work on with my therapist once I get that ironed out.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 23, 2018, 08:19:42 AM »
Checking in...

Yesterday and last night were easy, I think my "quick porn peek" habits that I had are starting to go away.  I used to peek at something, anything, just about any chance I got.  When I was in the room alone, walking to the car, sitting on the toilet...etc.

That makes me realize my time on the toilet has shortened dramatically since quitting P.

I am still triggered by some things but I am just going to keep on working until I can resist those triggers easily.

-Harv

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: Addict
« on: August 22, 2018, 08:24:41 AM »
Hey man, I'm new to this site too and I am 47 years old.   Same issues as you.  My wife is also being very supportive but she wasn't aware of my porn usage.

I am here to support you in any way I can. 

-Harvey (not my real name haha)

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 22, 2018, 08:21:33 AM »
Checking in

Had a slip-up yesterday.  I do design work by trade and I was looking for inspiration by looking at other people's artwork on a website that lets people upload their work for the world to see.  Unfortunately, besides all other kinds of art, this website does allow photographers to upload "artistic nudes".  When I loaded the site it showed the most recent uploads and one was a scantily clad woman.  This triggered me pretty hard and I ended up looking at a few pages worth of nudes.

So I have learned that site is off limits now and I am resetting my counter to 1. 

I am starting to see a trend here.  I get to about a week of being good and then I am triggered easily and end up looking at something.  I am going to try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I am still having no luck finding a local therapist who specializes in this sort of thing but I am continuing to look.

Thanks,

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 21, 2018, 08:57:04 AM »
Checking in....

Last night was pretty easy to stay focused and away from the bad stuff.   I was busy with work until almost 8 pm and then after that, the whole family watched one of our favorite shows together on TV. 

Then after that, I had a talk with my son about video game addiction. I have read many articles about video game addiction and I see a big similarity to porn addiction.  Big time dopamine hits. I fear he is on the path to being full blown addicted to video games.  He's 13, almost 14, and he has been getting up extremely early in the morning so he can play video games before he goes to school.  He's getting up at 5 am to play.  The after school before my wife and I get home he is playing video games for a couple more hours and then he has been crashing into bed early in the evening and missing dinner.

He has started showing less and less interest in his school work and he rarely talks about any friends.  He says he hates school.  He mostly only talks about video games. 

My wife and I realize it is our job as parents to limit how much he plays so we decided to talk to him and put limits on his use.  We told him no more getting up early to play, and we would let him play for an hour each night.  I don't want to take it away from him completely.  I think an hour a day sounds fair and it gives him a lot of time each night to do other things.   

I was honest with him about my porn addiction as well.  I tried to explain to him how the brain feeds off of that constant stream of dopamine from what ever, porn or video games etc.  I think he understood and he took it all very well. I am really proud of him, he is a great kid and he never once argued with us or talked back or fought us in any way. 

I guess that is it for today.


21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 21, 2018, 08:45:47 AM »
Thanks Bob, I guess I could have searched for it rather than asking you! :)

I am going to read up on it, or watch up on it, whatever.

I like stuff like that. I think it would be beneficial.

Thanks Again!

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: August 20, 2018, 11:00:40 AM »
Quote
I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

Gracie, this really helped me understand more what my wife is going through.  We have been attempting sex about once a week or less for a long time now.  After I told her about my addiction she was very upset.  Now I understand.  She was laying and waiting to get from me the feelings I was getting from porn.  I was choosing it over her.  She feels like I wanted those women, not her.  I feel horrible for causing her to feel this way.  I truly believe I was addicted to that dopamine rush, and I was constantly hitting my brain with dopamine every 15 to 20 minutes by looking at new posts on reddit all day long.  So when it was time to please her, to make her feel wanted, I wasn't getting enough dopamine from a real woman to get aroused, even though I find her extremely attractive.

I am so happy I found out about this addiction and what it does to my body and brain.  I want nothing more than to heal and start making her feel the love that I have for her in the ways she needs and so desperately wants. 

Thank you!

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Ages 40 and up / Re: it's my time to tackle this addiction too!
« on: August 20, 2018, 10:52:41 AM »
I wanted to share some more just to get it off my chest I guess.

My wife and I have had a tumultuous relationship from the start.  We both had our own set of issues.  I think we were both so ready to have a meaningful relationship in our lives that we both overlooked each other's red flags and just tried to make our relationship work.  My wife had a lot of emotional issues that stemmed from her youth....she was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and sought treatment through counseling.  I had a lot of feelings of unworthiness on top of a porn addiction.  I also sought help for my "not good enough" schema through counseling but I never admitted to my porn addiction even when asked if I viewed porn during counseling.  I was ashamed and secretly didn't want to be told to quit.  I didn't want to quit.

Our entire relationship was littered with fighting and arguments.  Some of them even got physical.  I almost left her after one evening when she attacked me more ferociously that she ever had before.  I must be honest.  I let myself lose control and got physical back a couple of times.  A couple of times I slapped her and once held her by the throat while trying to get her to calm down.  When she lost control she would attack me with all of her might.  She's a black belt and would punch, kick, scratch, spit, bite, slap...you name it and she would throw it at me.  I am happy to say though now that she hasn't done anything like that for over two years, maybe longer.  Her counseling really helped but the thing that helped the most was a year-long separation that we took in 2017.

I needed a break.  She was arguing with me over everything, literally everything.  We fought nightly.  I dreaded coming home after work.  I walked on eggshells.  I was afraid to do anything for fear of doing it wrong, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, etc.  It was exhausting. So on New Year's Eve. 2016 I asked her to move out, that we needed a break.  She was very upset and her temper made her immediately leave the house, coming back a couple of hours later with a signed lease to another house down the road from ours.  Her anger made her completely blind to the idea of talking it out with me and trying to get me to change my mind, and she might have been able to because I was a real pushover.  In hindsight, I am so glad she did that because the separation was just what we needed to survive.

So now for the part that is pertinent to this forum.

Although my wife took that year apart to really look into herself and examine her own issues (she continued therapy and read a lot of books about her personality disorder and about how to live your best life, how to learn to love yourself instead of hoping everyone else will make you happy etc.), I took the time to fall deeper into my porn addiction.  The day after she moved out I ordered a fleshlight....I guess I wanted to up my masturbation game.  I spent most of the evenings I had alone on cam sites watching women and masturbating myself.  I didn't work on myself at all.  I just got worse.

About 7 months into the separation, I started to notice a difference in my wife.  She was calmer, she was easier to talk to.  She seemed to have changed.  I didn't want to believe it because I was afraid she was just "love-bombing" me and trying to trick me into thinking she had changed.  I was afraid things would go back to the way they had been before.  I was very much interested in ending our marriage instead. 

But over the next few months, she really started to show me that she had really changed.  We started to spend more time together and eventually I was ready for her to move back in.  We moved her stuff back on New Year's Eve. 2017 exactly a year after we separated.

So (almost) everything is better, we don't fight anymore.  We still argue once in a while but we don't fight.  Big difference.  She stays calm and we talk things out.  I am so proud of her for making those changes in herself.  She really learned a lot about her self over that year and learned how to deal with her anger.

Only one thing hadn't changed.   I was still not horny at all. My libido was still gone, in fact, it was more absent than ever.  I had no penile response at all.  It was like a flatline that I keep hearing about.  But I was still sneaking off to watch porn whenever I could even though it didn't even excite me anymore.  But I had a compulsion to view it regardless.  Over this year our relationship has been so much better with the exception of sex.

I feel so horrible for wasting that year making my addiction to porn even stronger and using porn so much that it led to PIED.  All while she worked so hard to fix the issues she had that were causing trouble in our marriage.

After learning about porn addiction and PIED, I realized that a lot of the problems we had, MIGHT have been avoided all those years if I had not been giving my attention to porn but instead had given it to her.  I think she would have felt more love and been much happier.  I would have been more satisfied as well getting that from a real loving partner instead of a screen.  But I also wonder if her Borderline Personality Disorder and how it made her act, may have driven me towards porn as an escape.  I am not in any way blaming her for my porn addiction since I had it before we met but I wonder if the fighting pushed me toward the comfort of porn even more.  ??

Thanks for reading.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Trying to Save a Marriage
« on: August 20, 2018, 10:11:08 AM »
Chuck,  I hope your weekend was productive and you are still going strong!


25
Ages 40 and up / Re: Cautiously Optimistic
« on: August 20, 2018, 10:05:20 AM »
Keep trying!  you can do it!!  I'm doing it with you.  I am at about 6 days porn free right now.  I had a small relapse at day 8 then started over.   

Have you told someone about what you are doing?  about your addiction?  I told my wife and it helps keep me in line.  I think I would've already returned to looking at it if I had not given myself someone to be accountable to.

Good Luck!

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