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Messages - bsf

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Ages 20-29 / Re: No more time for porn in my life.
« on: August 14, 2014, 01:40:21 PM »
Hello:

So far it has been a week an 4 days since I stop watching porn. I have to say that it feels great to retrieve the control of my life. I discovered that when I feel anxious is when i feel the necessity to watch porn or to jo.

I haven't been able to stop going to the hook up apps. It something that I still need to work. Although I have tried to convince myself that nothing good will come from those apps, I still feel the necessity to connect to people.

I don't feel the necessity to watch porn I can have an erection just thinking or imagining nude people. It is hard to understand myself. I can't believe I have wasted half of my life in porn. I imagine how many things i could have accomplished if I did not wasted my time. I still consider myself successful. I have 2 undergrads one masters. But I still feel empty.

I have to say that i have been tempted to masturbate. Every day is an internal fight.
Porn in a way is like thinking in food. If you see a dish and at first sight you liked, then you will want to have it. It is incredible how we can deceive ourselves.

I'm 10 days clean and counting. I started this on August 4.



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Ages 20-29 / Re: Making things to work
« on: August 06, 2014, 07:49:41 AM »
Thanks for your answer.
I have to admit that I went to webcams too. Porn addictions are so strong and you need more and more every time. I also used webcams, started with girls and then every time I went more and more kinkier.
I did no ruined any relationship because sadly, created my own world on internet with people that you just see one time. When I felt sad, I used to go to webcams, or watch porn, lastly, I was using apps for hook ups. Looks like everyone here is straight. I honestly don't know my sexual orientation. I have ruined any feeling I had for women all because of my anxiety and my angry with myself.  It is hard to wake up and see the reality. The reality is that people on the webcams are prostitutes. Sometimes they expect money in retribution for what they do. Other times they are looking for a way to feel integrated.
Second, you cannot create a bound or a tie with a person in the screen. I was looking for a connection. You cannot have a relationship with a girl that is on webcams. 

I am starting to understand I all have done and the reason why. It is because I am looking for friends, real relationships with real people. I think I have been looking in the wrong places. I feel so damaged and I hope that it is not too late to change. There have been time when I wish i could die. I am not that strong to take my life. i still have hope but I hate and despise myself a lot.

  I really want to have a normal life. I don't know if I will be able to love a woman. The only thing that I know is that I don't want to be feeding my brain with porn or trying to get a connection or feel integrated looking  in those apps.

In my experience, there are counted the people that are really looking for a frienship. Sometimes they are just looking for a hook up and even if you see the same person more than one time, there is a point in which either you or the other person gets bored and start looking for the next adventure, someone with more experience, someone kinkier. And at the end it is just a cycle that is repeated again and again. I have expected to find something that makes me feel better and stop looking. What I have discovered is that it will not stop by itself. I need to stop going to porn every time I feel discouraged, angry or sad.

I leaned that Although bodies look look great in the screen, there are chances that when you see, touch and feel the other person in real life he or she will not produce the same arousal that what you saw in the screen.

Another good reason to stop going to those apps is that you don't know the other person. Although you can be clean, who know if the other person is telling you the truth. Everyone can lie and HIV and STDS not always are noticeable at our sight.

Another important thing I am discovering is that no friendship or relationship can begin with sex. In my experience anything that begins with sex, end as soon as we fulfill our necessities.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Introducing myself
« on: August 05, 2014, 07:26:04 PM »
Hey man your story sound very similar to mine.

I hope you are doing well. this is my second day of reboot.

4
Ages 20-29 / No more time for porn in my life.
« on: August 05, 2014, 07:09:12 PM »
Hello:

My name is Frank. I am 27 years old and I started to watch porn when I was 12 years old. One day I was very sad, and my older brother noticed that, so he had a cartoon with porn and I borrowed it from him. After watching those pictures, and having my first erection and ejaculation I felt better. Since then, every time I felt sad or disappointed, I used to get porn. I got my first computer when I was 15 I did not have internet at home but I used to go to an internet coffee to download porn ant then to watch it at home. I was caught a few time by the internet coffee owner's.
 
I have not been able to control myself, to have a normal life, to have normal friendships or any sort of relationship.

I when I was 16 I found gay porn and that was kinkier than straight porn so I felt more exited. Suddenly, at age of 16 I was watching straight and gay porn simultaneously. There were some days when I used to spend the evenings watching porn, avoiding any sort of contact with people, classmates or siblings.
I started my sexual life when I was 23. I had a hook up with a girl. I felt guilty after that. And I did not have contact with any other woman until I was 25 during a summer.
On the same year I went to a gay bar and I kissed a guy. After that I felt so guilty again and I tried to kill myself.
I spend some time alone and I continue masturbating and watching gay porn. I began taking sertraline, and it worked for a while. I did not feel anything when watching porn but then I felt very desperate and anxious and I stop taking the pills.
This last 2 years have been a hell on earth. I have not being able to control myself and I really want to stop. I suddenly started hooking up with guys, sometimes I have vomited just before we get together, sometimes I feel worse than crap, sometimes I can’t perform any sexual act. I feel so sad and alone I don’t have any close friends that I can talk about my situation, I feel like living a double life.
I have 3 degrees and I am studying my DMA but I don’t feel satisfied with my professional life.
I despise myself a lot because I can’t find a way to have a normal life.
I tried to get apps that supposed to help me find friends to socialized but it seems like they are more likely to be hook up sites. I have learned that most of the guys in those apps keep a double like and that they do not use any protection.
Honestly I don’t know nothing about my sexuality. I have erased those apps many time but I come back again with the hope that I will find someone in my situation and things will go better. So far, that has not happened. I have not found any friends. Looks like all that people is just looking for easy sex.
Porn is like going to a buffet. You can see the pictures of many dishes, they can look delicious, but as soon as you taste anything, you realized that it was not good. That happened to me with porn. I have not find enjoyable gay sex. I have tried to date girls and some of them have been very nice but it is just my urge, my lack of patience that has made me an addict, not being able to keep a friendship or any interaction with real people.
This is my second day without watching porn and avoiding hook up apps.

I hope to find the strength to continue for the rest of my life like this. 

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