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Messages - safa61947

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Ages 30-39 / No more blunders
« on: May 29, 2018, 06:24:52 PM »
Day 0 / 90

In chess, a "blunder" is when the player gives an advantage to the opponent without reason. For example, trading a queen for a bishop.

Two days ago, Sunday 05/27 I wrote some deep shit in my notebook before sleep. Things like "I know I'm buying a lie but I don't know any better".

This probably will be the crappiest journal I've ever made since I started journaling reboots. But this one will work.

I drink too much coffee. I play games too much, I don't exercise, my self-worth is the lowest, I have hatred towards my own person, because I hate the way I behave.

I've been doing blunders in work, I've been doing blunders in chess, I've been doing blunders against my own plans. I've blundered life.

A few days ago I decided to give up again. Only to find myself missing my discipline and self worth I had during NoFap. The strangest thing: when I PMO I think of the way I behave when I don't. And when I don't PMO, I am constantly thinking about girls, lingering for games or wanting to waste my time on some useless shit.

So I gave up. I spent real bucks on that game. The one that triggered me a lot to PMO. I made a decision on impulse. Let's let that money as thrown away before I lose even more.

Look, I relapsed Friday, 05/25/2018 and it took me only 4 days to see that PMO is not the solution. I PMO today to my best hentai and it was... how can I put it... Uninteresting?

I think I missed it, but I didn't miss PMO that much? I gave in to rationalizations in my mind, and let my impulses control me again to do something I committed to not doing and that I didn't really wanted to do. Lies.

Yesterday I knew for a fact that a girl I've been fancying is onto someone else. I was thinking of asking her out. I guess that's not happening. While I was thinking, someone else was acting.

The best advice I have in life I got from an eroge. "A man has to be all about action". It's time I start to read some serious books to have proper and well thought advice on my life.

When I was a 12 year kid my church mentor asked what everyone wanted from life. Someone said something stupid like "money" and everybody followed, I was the only of a group of 8 boys who said "wisdom". I, with 12 years wanted to be a sage. Well, let's follow that path and see where it leads me?

PMO? Games? What a joke! That's so cheap! That's not life!

I didn't PMO to the game anyway, but I don't know if I'll still play that game. Quitting game is the hardest of everything. I watched real porn today and was turned off by it. Disgusting. But somehow I can't quit games and playing games always lead me to hentai?!

My best shot is with chess. A neutral game. No naked women figure.

I want what I'm struggling for 2 years to achieve. 90 days PMO-free. Every time I said I don't really want it is a lie. I want it. I committed to it. Everything else is a lie. It took me only 4 days to figure that PMO is not an option anymore in my life. My eyes are open, I can't comfortably sit in the dark and fap and hold my breath like a ridiculous homunculus anymore. Holding my screams so nobody hears it. So pathetic.

I just wanted to get this off my chest before I sleep. I'm not sick or anything. If I sleep well and eat well I don't feel that bad after PMO, even though that energy would and shall be more well employed with regular exercise. My body is ugly and nobody is seeing if my penis is fit. It's uglier by the day. Let's give it a rest and exercise other parts of my body.

I will keep counting the days but I will loosen a bit on posting here. It doesn't have to be daily. Once a week should be enough, but I can post whenever I want. This is better than setting up a too rigid schedule that I know will demotivate me to continue.

I don't know what to do about Vere. I think I lost her. Fuck. It's been so long since I was with someone I really like! Vivian had her share of joy when telling me how engaged Vere was and asking stuff that I didn't want to hear. I should have left the room, really.

I felt way less lonely when playing the game though. But still. Damn.

NO! It's fucking boring, endlessly boring, it's not real interaction, the game is super slow and putting cash on it was a big mistake! Much better if I learnt Scientology, studied one of the courses I bought (yeah you spent money on that too) or played chess!

Let's get it clear:

* I'm quitting PMO today.
* I'm quitting online games. I'm quitting specially that one game I've been playing LOA.

Instead of PMO I will meditate. Instead of LOA I will play chess. Instead of coffee I will drink tea.

It's okay if I find some online spaceship game or similar but I really should be doing something productive like exercising, studying or reading.

Read for fun is not very easy. I asked people on the job today and people usually don't read. People usually don't do NoFap too. Well, it turns out I'll do both which makes me a fucking legend.

Let's do this.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 27, 2018, 05:11:27 AM »
Day 0 / 90

I used to judge people who constantly relapsed and journalled it. Now I'm doing the same.

I admire people who can do this on their first try. I tried hard to have a decent streak on my first try because I wanted to finish it in one go. Guess I couldn't.

Normally I'd say now I'm reviewing  my goals, which I am, but the truth and I know it, I just want to keep fapping to bear my loneliness. I'm thinking constantly about real girls when I'm on NoFap and for me, this is not a good thing.

Hatsune Miku and the pixel and crayon women do not want anything from me. I don't even need to be faithful to Hatsune Miku. I'm getting a reminder of why I want to learn Japanese.

I probably won't quit my reboot. But I need stronger motives to do it. Right now it seems it's not a big deal if I indulge in PMO during the weekends. Yeah, I could be studying, but I already work hard and extra times during the week. Nobody can judge me. I judge on my behalf.

I started reading the Satanic Bible to get rid of sexual shame. I don't see as too wrong what I'm doing. The only problem is I said I wanted to quit, and I really want to, well, not that much.

I am listening to a song I really like, from deep in my heart. I learn new songs from anime, I don't know what I love more in those activities, if it's the anime or the games. And I'll play with an old Eroge which I play from a long time and I missed it quite a bit. I used to play it when I was unemployed and I wish I could play it without shame, having a job. Which is my situation now :)

Maybe I'm rationalizing. It doesn't all make sense. But in some sort of a way, it does. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. There's a reason I PMO after all.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 25, 2018, 08:10:11 PM »
Day 0 / 90

I PMO twice today. I opened this reboot log, turns out I had nothing to write, then I wanted to play some games.

I played Magic Sword but I got bored, then I switch to the dancing game which triggered me several times and at some point I lost control and went for music videos and finally finished to porn.

I drank quite a lot of coffee today, and I didn't really plan to relapse. I looked at my counter, was almost 20 days, but I chose the instant gratification over my counter.

I guess I get what I deserve for starting so unfocused. It's past 10:00 PM, and I was regulating my sleep. I slept well and ate healthy for 2 weeks, my sleep was starting to regulate.

I know I might not have the courage to start over the next days. I should really get back on track and give no excuses.

Failed myself again. I couldn't hold my game addiction and one thing led to another.

I've been compulsively thinking about girls and I think it's not healthy. I don't want a girlfriend right now. I'm probably better with games and porn. Makes any sense?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 24, 2018, 01:00:21 PM »
Day 18 / 90

PMO is not an option.

I took the after work to myself today. I usually do extra work, I've been working very diligently but not today. I'll take a stroll, or watch movie today. I'm not skipping work, whatever can be done, can wait until tomorrow.

Yesterday, while talking to a guy I usually don't like talking to, he opened my eyes to something. A few people earn more money than I do, and I do extra work that not even they do. I don't like this guy's approach to work. Just because a few people work less, well that doesn't mean anything. There are people more dedicated, and even if I am the most dedicated employee, I should mirror only the good examples, not the bad ones.

Anyway, he was right in a way. I am earning way less than I could. This makes me look like a fool. Working more and getting paid less. None of his business anyway.

Today I brought a fruit to Vivian and she said she'd never touch that. Well, this from a woman who took a fruit I threw away and ate it. This one I brought only to her, well, anways. I'm making a fool of myself bringing fruit to another guy's woman, with my longing eyes to Veridiane, and I'm rejecting the only girl who seems to care a bit about me, but not that much.

I must not get dragged with endless talk and fantasies about women. I'm on a reboot. No fantasizing for me.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 23, 2018, 03:39:14 PM »
Mantra: PMO is not an option!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 23, 2018, 03:37:04 PM »
Day 17 / 90

A rebooter said to me be on guard, since relapse dreams usually mean something. I can feel my will weakening and my mind starting rationalization. Yesterday I went to a Cyber Café to play games, hopefully there was no game that interested me.

I am rationalizing that I only want to quit porn, and not games and music, but game characters usually are triggering, specially in fantasy and fighting games. Music, well, most rock is suggestive that you should loose yourself and go wild, and I'll not even comment on pop music.

I have everything I need in classical music and chess. This rationalization has to stop. It's the tougher decision, but it's the one that's worth.

Another better option would be stopping this music and game enjoyment which is dopamine anyways, and go read some books and enlighten my mind. I can't start. I feel like I'm already losing too much by not fapping. Sometimes I try to talk myself that I don't want that bad improve my life. Sometimes I buy this argument, however illogical it really is.

Today I felt good for resisting so well. My coworker seemed incredibly attractive. To some astronomical scale I can't even start to explain.

Onwards I go to a PMO free life. And I hope I can add reading, exercise, meditation and less caffeine to this. And good thoughts, self-worth, better relationships and feeling other pleasures in life other than heavy breathing in front of a damn computer with my pants at my ankles.

Porn Addiction / Re: My history and patterns
« on: May 23, 2018, 03:28:23 PM »

Nice story and stuff, but how do you plan to stop it... and why? That's what I'm most interested into. If you really want to quit all this, then this is your place.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 22, 2018, 11:41:47 AM »
Day 16 / 90

Okay, today I have some news. I had a dream that I was relapsing. I was covered in semen and in my dream I thought "well, might as well relapse now" and went to search for porn online.

I woke up in the middle of it, I thought I had a wet dream, turns out it was just a dream. I went to pee and then back to sleep. The dream made no sense when I was awake.

This led me to a thought. I need to rethink the whole concept of rebooting.

Yesterday I watched videos about PS3 fighting games, even though I said I would not play anything other than chess. And I listened to non classical music. A clear brake of rules. My lizard brain interpreted it as "party time" and sent me that weird dream.

Either I follow it or I don't. I can't keep on stepping on  middle line anymore. I must be prepared for when my brain will try to talk me into porn, like in my dream, and have a clear stand of what rules I will follow and what I will permit. Otherwise this will be just another failed attempt.

I want avoid PMO. Games is an extra. But I'll not permit it after I've decided I wouldn't?! Maybe I'm just rationalizing. Playing games can be good for my reboot?!

Holy crap I'm so confused.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 21, 2018, 05:28:08 PM »
And just for the record, hollow encouragement from other rebooters is not welcome. If you feel like posting in my journal you better have a good reason for it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 21, 2018, 05:25:09 PM »
Day 15 / 90

I feel connected to a new friend I made on this website. I rocked today. I slept well, ate a bit too much, but otherwise it was great. I'm facing the problems in my life with my head straight. Just a bit of loneliness biting me but I'm used to it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 20, 2018, 01:28:22 PM »
Day 14: UPDATE

I am catch up with all links in this forum. Here are the pearls:

Life can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful, but it will always be one thing porn addiction is not:  real.

I was already depressed trying to take care of my family through a rough situation and tried to find comfort in something empty and hollow.

Not PMOing is like taking a drug that makes you feel good all the time, only you're not taking a drug at all which makes it even better.

the decision to quit porn has been firm. I haven’t relapsed, and I know that I don’t need porn, and that if I start again I will feel like crap. It’s just not worth it anymore.

I never in my wildest dreams thought my life could change so much in just 90 days. I went from suicidal to self-posessed. Before reboot, I hated myself so much I wanted to take my own life. How selfish and f*cked up is that? Now I am filled with hope and an incredible sense of purpose about who I am and what I want to accomplish.
My eyes were opened to the reality of what porn is. It is dehumanizing and desensitizing, and it takes advantage of peoples wounds, turns them into merely sexual objects, with no care for their well being, their soul, their story of how they got to a point in life to where they let guys record doing degrading things to them for guys all around the world to jack off to with their pants around their ankles. Some with a wife sleeping in the other room who crys herself to sleep because she thinks she isn't beautiful enough to keep her husbands attraction, attention, and affection. (Gabe)

I don't need to relapse that much. Today is only day 14, but I know this time I will not fail. I'll never look at porn again. It's wrong. If I don't want a girlfriend, so, fine. I won't watch porn either. Why would I do that?

If anything I gonna be a new chess master. My plan was to read more and hit the gym, but I can't seem to start it. Once I start it's just a matter of keeping it. I will prepare for the hard days. I will prepare for withdrawals. Today I broke a promise of not playing computer games. But my PMO promise I will keep. No more PMO. It's not an option anymore.

Success Stories / Re: 6 years clean: rebooting as the best remedy
« on: May 20, 2018, 12:33:21 PM »
Just bumping. This is excellent material.

Success Stories / Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
« on: May 20, 2018, 12:19:49 PM »
Fucking God, what a legend!

@lyon03 you're a big inspiration to all of us!

Porn Addiction / Re: Post Here If You Are Having Urges
« on: May 20, 2018, 09:35:01 AM »
I had to go out and breathe some cold air. Then took a photo of myself, wanting to relapse. This led me to shave because I looked horrible. This worked so well, I think the next time I feel like relapsing I want to go outside and calm down a bit.

Porn Addiction / Re: Did you have a father?
« on: May 20, 2018, 09:22:26 AM »
I have a terrible father. He despises me. I said once I would kill him and he replied "you're all talk". My mom left this him for the way he treated me and my siblings, suddenly he behaved well and wasn't that monster, but as soon as they got together again, he slowed down the yelling and the abuse, but he's still a moron.

He never taught me anything good, whatever I dream he think it's not worth. I work as IT technician, once he had to drive me to my course and he was like:

- What is it that you study? Computers?

- Yes.

- But you use the computers, what do you do with them?

- We open it, study the pieces inside and try to fix them.

- Well, you can study that, but it's useless. Study it all you want, but it'll never be useful in your life.

Out of the blue. Pissing on my dreams. Turns out it took me 10 years but now I am an IT professional and my job is better than anything the old man ever had.

The best masculine figure in my childhood was always my grandpa. But he died when I was 8. I'll  never forget him, and I try to be like grandpa as much as I can.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 20, 2018, 04:58:54 AM »
Day 14 / 90

Some guys are doing pretty well here. Moth-head is rocking. I must keep my streak and somehow be motivated to not give up. I said earlier that I could fail. Well, I wish I didn't say something like that, but it's been 2 years. I must learn from my mistakes. It can happen again.

But I'll take all precautions and make sure this time it's for real. I want a full reboot.

I've catch up with all links and commented where appropriate yesterday. Even interacted with a few members. I can't rely on others to keep me accountable, but it can be of some help.

I've been using an app to track my habits, I don't know if I'll keep it because it has proven to be a distraction. I keep delaying stuff.

I'll keep this short. Nothing to add for now.

Of course you didn't get hard. Why'd you pick a she-male?

She was laughing but I bet she felt unattractive. Girls are naturally insecure and fear-driven. Don't make a big deal with it, I bet you will rock it when you find the right person.

You'll know when the person is right because sex is more about bonding than the sex act itself.

I pretty much never get hard unless I touch myself (not sure if that's normal)

It's not.

my question is how can I get my confidence back.. I've been thinking of getting massages to get use to being touched by a woman again.. or should I use viagra a few times.? If you have some insight or encouraging words please say it.. you may change this young man's life.. thank you!

.. I can sometimes be very aroused but my little man stays limp unless I use touch.. can't tell if i also have physical problems..

I'd suggest do a full reboot and let's see what happens.

Porn Addiction / Re: I lost a friend because I am an idiot.
« on: May 19, 2018, 01:56:24 PM »
She didn't act all that normal, and it's not your fault, really. You didn't insult her or something of the sort.

Probably she's at fault too, if she doesn't want anyone to comment on her photos, she could not post any.

Chill man, chicks act like crazy sometimes, and they make it look like it's all your fault.

We all think we are the worst for fapping so much, but nobody here can judge. We all did it excessively.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 19, 2018, 07:59:44 AM »
Day 13 / 90

I said farewell to my old community and plan to stick with this reboot log. Being banned 5x from that website taught me to not trust them.

I will write here everyday how I will overcome my porn addiction. I will play chess and listen to classical music to get me distracted from porn. The ideal should be reading, but I lack the energy to do that. I need to learn more. I plan to continue reading William's posts, they are a big help for me, since he is more than a year clean of PMO. I want something like that for myself.

I am rebooting from PMO for productivity reasons. I'm doing it for myself. I am 31 and much of my life, energy and time is already in the waste because of my addiction. I don't regret it, I enjoyed every second of it, this was a valuable experience to show me that this is not what I want from my life. Like John Petrucci says:

Sometimes you've got to be wrong, and learn the hard way.

I am facing real loneliness here. Today is Saturday, and I will talk to no human. My next human interaction will be Monday morning, at work. I'm a single man living on my own.

I want to accomplish something big in life, even though at the moment I don't know what is this "it", that I strive to accomplish. I felt suicidal in the past. With heavy PMO I felt even more suicidal.

I think if I had a girlfriend I would have to brake up with her immediately because I'm too problematic and ruining one's own life is already enough damage. I don't want to involve someone in this.

TL; DR: Do you think I can reboot for the sake of it, and not to have meaningless sex; for I don't want to get married?

Hey dude, I'm Brazilian as well. Psychologists are fucked up everywhere, not only in our country. Some are good, some not so, some help, and some make things worse.

My advice is try to meditate and exercise and stay away from things that make you feel bad. If you feel suicidal and need someone to talk, send me a PM, I will reply in at most 24h, and wait for my message. Do not attempt anything foolish.

We being anonymous users in a web forum the maximum we can do is talk and hear what you have to say. If writing about such things make you calmer, then by all means continue.

Tente não causar uma má impressão para os gringos :D

Success Stories / Re: One hundred days clean!
« on: May 19, 2018, 05:52:03 AM »
@PE30 you're a great inspiration for me. I think it's a big achievement, I'm looking forward to see if you can maintain the benefits you earned.

I've read parts of your journal and you went through some hard work to be where you are now. Congratz, man!

Porn Addiction / Re: Post Here If You Are Having Urges
« on: May 19, 2018, 05:44:00 AM »
im only 4-5 days and i already watched some porn videos for couple of seconds. its not a relapse i know but the act of looking for it is fucked up in the ass. fuck that im fucked for this reboot whether i relapse or not.

How looking at porn is not a relapse for you?

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