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Messages - shake19

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Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: April 08, 2016, 03:53:07 AM »
Hi there!

I haven't been here for a while, it is over a year now. As you may guess, the struggle continues - it is about 3 years since I realized I got a problem - the addiction to porn.

For last year (as I was absent here) I was fighting all the way to not come back to addiction as much as I can. Sometimes it was about a month with absolutely no P or M, sometimes only a day that I could withstand the cravings.

So here I am now, still addicted, still weak and still concious about the problem. Especially last weeks, I failed to stay clean every few days. Usually the same purposes as always - boredom, hangover, stress.

I decided to dig into my diary and make a new post to point out some important moment in this battle. I am truly determined and dedicated to get rid of cravings and addiction now. I hope that my existence on this forum will give me new power and motivation to show that it is possible as you all make it and as I made it before.

I set up short goal for 5 days now to not shock me with long milestone, but if I make it, I will set up the goal bigger.

Giving a shot of how I feel nowadays with addiction:
- I do not feel so strong urges as years before (in the past my body was actually shaking when I was fighting not to watch porn).
- I do not imagine and fantasize about porn anymore.
- I do come back to porn anytime my sick mind tell me "to chill" like this.
- I do feel bad afterward but not so bad as years ago.

I think all the above shows that progress has been made and that all effort has made positive effects. However it also gives an important lesson - never underestimate the addiction - it is always somewhere in the mind. And even if the mind deals with it better than before, the problem still exists. As a guy wanting to be a true man it is necessary to keep strong and never again let the addiction take control over me.

I wish you all the best and thank you for your time reading my diary. :)


Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: February 08, 2015, 03:55:49 PM »
Hi all!

You know what... It is ridiculous.

I moved through hundreds of advices, I discovered hundreds of purposes of my relapses and made hundreds of decisions to change, to avoid, to prevent falling down. Hundreds of hours spent on thinking and trying to solve the HUGE problem that PMO stands for me.

And what?

Falling down again, and again, and again...

It is over 2 years now since I started fighting the addiction. It is horrible that I still fall down (and lately it happens even every few days). I am at the peak of being disgusted with myself.

It seems I tried all the possible ways to get out of the addiction.

So now, I ask you only to wish me luck.
I do not want any more advices, I know enough of them.
Just tell me that I will do it, that I will finally get rid of the addiction AND I WILL DO IT.

I want to reach the sky and I MUST DO IT.

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: November 28, 2014, 04:18:04 AM »
I haven't come here for a while as I had no time and thought that I am strong enough to keep my eye on reboot just by myself.
And I relapsed twice in this period - both was on a strong hangover.

And actually all the relapses that I had for a few last months were in connection with strong hangover.

Therefore, hangover seems to be my last moment in life when I permit myself into te addiction - there's an easy explanation - my mind is in the weakest state while being on hangover.

Therefore, I have to choose:
1/ Avoid hangover, so don't be drunk or stoned too much.
2/ In case of hangover I have to be sharper than before so I can withstand the cravings.

I choose the first one, as getting too drunk or stoned doesn't bring anything good in life - so I'll just eliminate it for my next goal (24 days) and will see if I really could stay clean.

Wish me luck.

All the best to all y'all!

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: November 05, 2014, 06:51:20 AM »
I am weak. After 9 days I relapsed.

I got drunk yesterday night and at the same time the girl I was trying to date for a long time told me she has a boyfriend.
Today, with a strong hangover and sadness in my mind I run away from stress to PMO.

I admit that I am weak.

So this thought makes me stronger and I stand up again.
This time I will try harder.


Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: November 03, 2014, 04:15:40 PM »
Thank you Kaybee for kind words. It's very nice to see that after such a long absence I am still warmly welcomed. Thank you for granting me with the words that the single relapse doesn't make me the same guy as 250 days ago - I believe that and this makes me stronger.

So I am on the right way for last days, I had some craving today to watch some pics and I even took a glimpse on some non-nude model, but it lasted only about 30 secs and I reminded myself that it's not worth it. So I closed the page.

Things are going great since I stopped watching anything arousing and fantasizing. My self-confidence is back quickly and I am not afraid of many things that I was afraid before (when I was in the time of P/M/O).

Have a great life being free from all this crap!

Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: October 30, 2014, 07:09:21 AM »
Hi kaybee!

Congratulations on your 90 days out of PMO! It is healing for me to see how the others win their lifes back after such an addiction.

Concerning those weirdos who want to spy on you - the easiest way is to format your computer and forget about them.

Live your beautiful life that you've earned.

Congratulations again and keep being awesome. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: October 29, 2014, 07:35:38 AM »
Hi LTE, my buddy.

You've been with me since the first days on this forum and I am very grateful for this.
Yeah, I forgot a little bit about posting and visting this forum for a last few months but still I remembered all the advices that you and the others gave me.

Despite the relapses, after such a long struggle with the addiction I feel somehow free now, especially in contrary to what I had in my mind about 2 yrs ago.

I came back here to point out that I am really into leaving the addiction entirely and that I am still conscious about the problem.
All the advices are welcome and I am here also to help the others.

Maybe I am not a frequent member of this forum no more, but I am the example of the value of this forum.
The value of this forum lies not only in all these words in here, but the value is in the change that it makes in our lifes.

I wish all the best to all of you! Stay strong.

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: October 29, 2014, 07:25:01 AM »
From my experience and from experience of the others that I've read about, the strong cravings are fading in time - how fast it depends on the person, but it is like 1 month to feel the significant difference. You got good attitude, as far as you are conscious about the "good half" of the brain you are able to win this war, not only the battles. Stay strong because it's definitely worth it. Getting rid of the addiction is the best thing we can do for out minds.

Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: October 26, 2014, 12:44:09 PM »
Hi FreedomInFull!

But strangely I didn't need to be the center of attention.  I was happy to listen and meet new people as well.

That's so true man. After about 2 years of fighting the addiction I realized that being out of PMO thoughts makes you self-confident and you don't need to be in the center of attention to be strong. Our strength lays in our minds and we have to take care of it as to be a real man.

We inspire each other.  We are no longer just fighting for ourselves but for our brotherhood, for men everywhere, in this forum and in our communities.  It's bigger than ourselves.  So I went home and went to bed no fapping no searching, no fantasizing.

I like that. Men are in the hole of temptations, losing their real value. Let's show the world what means being free of sick cravings. That's how a manhood feels like.

All the best!

Ages 20-29 / Re: I have decided to come out of Porn
« on: October 26, 2014, 12:32:57 PM »
Stop watching anything sexual arousing and do not masturbate. That's it. ;)

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: October 26, 2014, 12:11:21 PM »
Hi to all!

I am back. The addiction never leaves me. And it just took control over me. The f**k! Again.

I think the addiction will stay in my mind forever. The clue is to deal with it right.

What happened through these 234 days?
  • I started 234 days ago with a clear goal: no P/M/O at all.
  • After some time I silently changed my mind to loosen the restrictions.
    So when I wached P or did M I didn't reset my counter - I felt it is not so bad as I do not O.
  • For last 2 weeks I PMO'd 2 times and I see that I was wrong before - any element of this shitty chain makes a relapse.
    What is relapse?
    - It is letting your penis take control over the brain.
  • Time to get back on the right track:
    No arousing by images / videos at all!
    Even f**king celebrities on the news.
This is the only right way to deal with the addiction.
Because the addiction won't leave you for the rest of your life.
Accept it as it is.

I reset my counter as I was wrong for all these 234 days.
As some say, I start a HARD MODE - the only way to deal with it right.

I will reset the counter whenever I intentionally watch anything arousing, even celebrities at news or whenever I M.

Big goals require big sacrifices.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Let this nightmare finally end...
« on: August 31, 2014, 03:59:37 AM »
So far so good.
I am glad that you are repairing your life everyday now.

Let me know how do you like the book.
What's inside? Stories, scientific articles or smth else?
I also considered to buy it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Let this nightmare finally end...
« on: August 30, 2014, 06:10:48 AM »
Hey FrancisXHummel!

I've read your posts and it seems that you are on the right path now.
You are conscious about the problem and this is the reason why you're here.

I had the same case as yours, I was in promising relationship with a girl and after a few years it all collapsed.
We cannot say that the only reason of destroying the relationship is P, but I guess you'll agree with me that the P plays a key role in the problem.
We don't know if we had been clean of P we would have had a great relationship.
Nevertheless it is sure that the addiction doesn't help.

But the most important thing now is to head toward future and not to let ourselves back to the addiction.
As soon as you are conscious this the right time to make a change in your life.

I wish you all the best, be strong, you also can do it.
The life is much more beautiful without this crap.

As Socrates said:
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: August 30, 2014, 03:25:18 AM »
Hi there!

It is 177 days since I last PMO'd.

Actually it is 177 days without O, because I had some days when I watched P and / or M.

At the first 2 months, I was fighting a lot and at this time I had the longest period completely without any of P, M, O.
The bad thing was that I was fighting so hard that when I relapsed it was destructing my mind and my self-confidence.
I blamed myself a lot.

The next 2 months I let myself to chill about P and / or M and I relapsed averagely once a week.
Giving my mind a rest from fighting was comfortable for me, because whenever I relapsed I didn't have such a remorse as earlier.
Of course I was still trying to stay clean for as long as possible.

The last 2 months I found P and M much less attractive as I did ever before.
Therefore I had no big problems to stay clean for weeks.
Nevertheless I let myself into P and / or M for some times.

Relapses that occured were the effects of:
1/ hangover (my willpower was weakened)
2/ boredom (especially while sitting at home - P and / or M is the easiest way to get yourself busy)
3/ high stress (I went to P and / or M to relax myself and change from everyday chores)

And here I am now.

I came here today after such a long time without looking at the forum because I watche P and M'd today.
I feel bad about it, I have remorse and I feel the need to share my feelings in here.
After I wrote all the things above I am kind of relieved.

I don't need to promise myself anything now - I feel that my life is the one without any of P, M, O.
I just have to stay vigilant to not let myself to any of these anymore.

The positive side of life after 177 days without PMO:
- I have much smaller desire for any of P, M, O than ever before
- My mind is clean from images of P that were appearing months earlier
- I am much more self-confident than ever before
- I look at girls in 'healthy' way, not with such a sick desire as months earlier
- I feel that I passed a big milestone in my life and I am very proud of it

I wish to thank all of you, your journeys were my compass in the time of fierce battle.
Your example of determination gave me willpower to stay strong.

All the battle is definitely worth it!

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: May 02, 2014, 12:53:40 PM »
Back again, day 58th no PMO.

Hi there,

I haven't been on this forum for a while (about 3 weeks now). Since that time I had many days free of any urges, but still there were some when my urges where taking' control over me. I cought myself watching P (kind of soft one) for a few times and also cought myself on M for a few times. Especially for a last few days I watched P and M everyday for some time (tried not too long). It's a pity that after such a long strike without P and M I came back again to those 2. At least I haven't PMO'd for last 57 days. However I am glad that the forum didn't disappear and that I came across my jorunal which suddenly made me stronger. I won't watch P nor M anymore from now. I clench my fists and will move further into my path of rebalancing my mind.

To describe my mentality last days: I feel broken by watching P / M, it makes me sad, lazy and uncertain about my manhood. For the days when I am free of P / M and for almost 2 months with no PMO I feel very well, confident about myself and the future. Nevertheless I feel a big change in thinking about and talking with girls, I see that they feel it too.

P or M is the most stupid thing I can do ever, because I am so conscious about harm it cause and I am so sure that living without it is much more valuable. So how the hell I let myself into P/M? It so weird I cannot understand it.

Big up to all y'all!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Never to late
« on: April 13, 2014, 09:08:12 AM »
xc43 I am glad that you finally found your way to the reboot. It's funny that the money will help you to get your mind back - even though they say that you can't buy everything with money. Until your means and intentions are good there is nothing bad about betting your own life. I also had a deal with myself to give the money into some account whenever I drunk alcohol (I was trying to stay sober for some time) and it worked well. I also had some moments of searching for women in the Internet (fortunately didn't get into P) but the next time (I hope there won't be next time) I'll try your "10 seconds counting" method - it seems clever. ;)

Good job my man and keep going!

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: April 13, 2014, 08:59:38 AM »
VforVictory, thank you for your words. You will definitely come to this point and for sure further! Unfortunately I lost this month's challenge as I M'd, but I wish you to become a winner, don't make my mistake. ;)

Day 39th - it's hard, but I am still in the game

It's kind of weird that 2 days ago I wrote about self-control and today I M'd even though of course I didn't want to. At least I was able to stop myself before getting to O or to watching P (I just watched some soft arousing pics). I am kind of ashamed of what I did but on the other hand I am happy that fortunately I stopped myself before getting to 'the point'. As there was no P nor O I don't reset my counter - let it be an exception. I am very glad of being member of this forum because it is the only place where I can tell about the problem which is very helpful.
I am confident to stay clean as from now and hope I didn't broke my reboot period too much.

I wish you all the best! Don't let your brain force you to do something you don't want to.

Porn Addiction / Re: April Challenge
« on: April 13, 2014, 08:51:13 AM »
I failed.
I M'd (although no O because fortunately I stopped myself from getting to O). I didn't watch P.

Nevertheless I will keep fighting my own battle and I definitely don't want to let myself into P / M / O never again.

All the best to all y'all!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Second try
« on: April 11, 2014, 09:44:39 AM »
All right VforVictory I will tell you something.
At the beginning of your being on this forum I thought "Oh, just another regular guy being addicted in this place".
Then I saw you are Korean & "All right, maybe not so random - it's a first guy I've ever "met" from Korea. But yeah, still kind of regular guy (with yellow-face avatar)."

But by this post you hit the jackpot for me!
yourbrainonporn is a great site that has all the info you need
but I'll get you started by teaching you what I can about desensitization,
which is one of the key factors that gets you addicted to porn.

Right now your brain is heavily desensitized.
This means that your brain is too used to porn, which is highly stimulating,
that it fails to recognize real sex, which is relatively less stimulating.
It's like your brain is tricked into thinking real sex isn't "sex".

Imagine a scale of one to ten measuring the stimulation (sexual or not) of anything you come across in your life.

Normal porn is like 10. Hardcore bondage teenage taboo S&M bukkake porn is like 15.
(Note that the above levels are very unnatural)

real life sex is like 7.
Playing sports ~5
non-sexual Interaction with woman ~5.

Watching movie ~4
Listening to music ~3
Cooking ~2

and so on.

***the numbers are completely arbitrary and made up. Just know that porn is the most stimulating of them all.

For guys that watch porn everyday, the stimulation level is hitting above 10 on a regular basis.
Once the brain gets used to that stimulation level,
any activity below that level will feel much less exciting (desensitization).

For guys that go through reboot and not watch porn or masturbate at all,
Sex is the most stimulating thing they can get their hands on. It will feel like a 10.
In fact, every other activity on the list will have moved up a few levels accordingly.
So for these guys, simple everyday activity like listening to music will get them somewhat excited.

FYI, this phenomenon is not limited to porn. Any kind of addiction is a result of desensitization.

So to answer your question:

1. If you dont fantasize about sex and dont get erection wont your mind just eliminate sex  or erection from it forever?
       - No, if your brain is resensitized, you will get a 100 erections on your way to the grocery store and back if you want.

2. I dont get any morning wood or spontaneous erections. i want to know is it normal?
       - It is definitely not normal. It is probably an indication that you are heavily addicted to porn.

I hope the others will read over what I wrote and correct me if I'm wrong,
cuz I'm also new to this stuff and i'm not 100% sure.
From now I'll remember you as a REAL conscious guy with a great attitude and kind of special gift of sharing the knowledge.
Your words give a strength (at least for me), so I recommend you to do some victory dance.


Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: April 11, 2014, 06:32:34 AM »
LTE, I am very glad to have you here. Again your simple words became kind of my motto.

"You'll always be addicted.  It's how you deal with it that counts." ~LTE.

My example shows that it is definitely true. After 37 days, I still get very excited whenever I see anything even sligthly arousing or sometimes my mind force me to fantasise, so I can admit that I am an addict and probably I'll always be. BUT after 37 days I deal with all the cravings much better and easier than I did ever before. I am able to say NO whenever I start to fantasise and my penis start to react and I say NO in just a few seconds, maybe minutes. In the past it lasted even hours and the "hangover" after fighting with cravings also lasted very long, so I was becoming depressed. Now, after saying NO I do not have any hangover.

xc43, thank you for encouraging words. I wish you are on the same path as me (or else you'll have to pay 100$ for the Project :P).

Day 37th - clean

I feel very well, I've just started to feel a real control over myself. As I wrote above, I still have some urges to M / watch P, but now I am able to cut them off very quickly and without a big effort (or maybe without such a big effort as I had a month ago).
My mind - being clean of PMO - is much more stable, I do not have such a mood swings as I had before.
And of course - being proud of my reboot strike - I am much more confident than before and it is not only my feeling but it is also the opinion of other people who I met.

I wish you all the best! On my own experience I guarantee that it is one of the most worthy things we can do with our lifes.

Porn Addiction / Re: April Challenge
« on: April 11, 2014, 06:17:14 AM »
Considering your post kaybee take a look at my "Personal text" on the left: Don't worry it'll take time - time'll pass anyway. It is all definitely worth it, probably the most worthy thing we can do for ourselves and for the environment.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My very necessary Reboot Log
« on: April 08, 2014, 10:44:10 AM »
Well done, you did great not allowing yourself for relapse. You, me and all the other guys know this mental state where you only realise what you were doing after orgasm. The clue is to have a consciousness not only after orgasm but also in the moments like you've been to. It may be true:
Sure I resisted for now, but I'm not going be able to resist forever when I allow this level of temptation to be present.
So while you know how it works don't let your temptations take control over you. I highly recommend to not watch any girls at all. It may seem weird that man cannot watch any girls [even not porn], but we have to admit that we are addicted. Being addicted you have to cut off all the sources of potential arousal, even half-naked girls. It will be hard to withstand such a celibacy but it's definitely worth it and it will defitinitely speed up your recovery time.

Stay strong and never permit yourself to watch any P or masturbate! You can do it. You need it, the world needs it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: New to this
« on: April 07, 2014, 12:28:53 PM »
Don't worry about your health - if you stay out of PMO, you will definitely get into 100% shape. You are actually getting healthier (physically and mentally) everyday, but the process of recovery always include some period of feeling the devastation but it is only to prepare the body and mind for a great future. Keep going and you will surely see the enormous results!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Never to late
« on: April 07, 2014, 12:24:12 PM »
Why don't you make the word "Success" in a big font anymore? It definitely needs it!

I won't praise you for doing great, but just take a look at your journal so you can praise yourself.

Keep being awesome!

Ages 20-29 / Re: You could have done it long ago
« on: April 06, 2014, 10:30:09 AM »
@somethingelse, thank you and I wish the same for you!

Day 32nd - clean, but DAMN it's hard!

I think I just survived the toughest wave of urges ever since I started this reboot. I was looking for more and more exposing images, but still being in the field of at most bikinis. I was getting very close to the nudity which was appearing somewhere around my searching in Google Graphics, gossipy websites, instagrams etc. My mind was going crazy, my body started to shake. Damn, that's creepy! There was a fight in my mind which led me to switching between graphics and rebootnation like every 10 seconds. It lasted around 0,5 an hour.

But I survived it, took a few deep breaths, talked a bit to myself and stopped the process which could lead me to the relapse.
I am sitting proud now, stronger, listening to loud music and having some kind of "victory time" - no urges anymore.

I admit that my brain is still addicted and still has a sneaky way to lead me to some [even little] arousing images.
I can clearly determine my trigger - it was sitting alone in front of the computer, being too lazy to start writing my Masters thesis and at most: I permitted myself to take a peek at some girls in the Internet.
The good side of being over a month in no PMO is that I fought back the urges much faster than ever before and I do not have any "hangover" after such body-shaking. Before my reboot, even when I fought back the urges they were still somewhere in my mind for days and now they just dissapear! Damn, it's lovely!

Wish all the best to all y'all!

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