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Messages - k-fff

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1
Thanks for the info, Phineas. I will try to put that more into practice.

2
Day 2
I reset because of the peeking the other day. Tomorrow is a problem day so I should spend the time after work out of my house and doing something until time to go to sleep.
things to do today
-practice piano
-stretch
reminder of why I want to quit porn: it steals my time and it is ruining my dopamine receptors.

3
peeked, stopped quickly enough but did feel the dopamine hit. my problem days are day 3 day 6, day 14, and day 21. Basically, about every 3 to 6 days seems to be heavy urge days. I don't want to keep doing this cycle. I do spend too much online as is, but as it stands right now I have been sick for three weeks so it has been difficult to do much of anything. I hope tomorrow I am finally over this.

4
Day 3
P is ruining my life and my attraction to women.

5
Day 2 reminder why I want to quit p. It is draining my time away. I lose hours and hours to it. It makes me depressed. It is my biggest problem and my life improves drastically when I am not using it.

6
At this point,  the anhedonia is really cranking up and I need to remember why I should tough this out.

7
Nah, don't worry about it man. The situation needs reality more than anything else. P is ruining my life I always need to be reminded of that.

8
Day 1 restarting because of the edging.
I want to quit p because it takes up too much of my time and it is the thing that is causing my current bouts of depression

9
don't take that as angry, but yea, I know edging is really bad I posted abbout it to keep more accountable I am not happy about it at all.

10
I know it is worse by far it is my biggest problem.

11
Day 3
Things to do today
-practice piano
-stretch
Reminder of why I want to quit p since i edged for 30 minutes today. That right there is the reason it wastes my time. It is ruining my life. I need to make these posts in the morning to remind myself. I will also post about what I need to do for the day to keep myself working towards my goals.

12
Yea, I can't allow myself any of those things. Avoiding triggers is the best way to beat this and I let myself slip by giving myself a pass from tv shows or movies.

13
day 2 a reminder why I want to quit. I have urges to watch p, to watch other people have sex, and not participate why would I ever want that. If I keep doing this bad habit, I will never overcome being a dilettante at various things that I have some skill. My posture will further deteriorate. I will likely develop pied and I will accelerate my hair loss. P drains all of my time and energy; it leaves me with nothing but guilt and disgust afterwards. It numbs my emotions and wrecks havoc on my sleep schedule. I am regaining control everyday.

14
day 1
Why I want to quit porn: I am not living my life. I am literally not moving forward or meeting new people. It drains so much time from the actual use and the subsequent withdrawals after use that I can't function because of lack of sleep or a headache.
Things I need to do today
-clean up my room
-stretch
-hang up my clothes after washing them
-grade all the papers

15
Day 0
relapsed bad today. The last three days I was clean before that had two days of edging. I downloaded about 25 videos from this current session. Just deleted them. I am back in a bad habit of relapsing constantly. lately, I have been ill and I really haven't gotten any sleep. My life has been quite miserable lately and porn is worsening the situation. The best thing i can do is get back to posting here to motivate me to stop. Avoidance works the best for me. Any stimulation I just leave the situation that is what i will go back to. My main problem is my phone. I wish I could get away with using a flip phone, but I fucking can't because of work and i have to use this gotdamn app. My relapses have always been starting from my phone lately. I want to quit because this sinking feeling and I don't want to develop pied.

16
Thanks so much, Jeks, I really appreciate all the support you send my way.

17
Day 1
I think I am gonna have to give up watching anime. It has too many triggers. I also notice I spend an absurd amount of time online in general even when I am not relapsing. Maybe that just has to do with boredom. I have a really bad headache from the relapse yesterday. I don't feel good about much of anything right now. I have 29 days left in this month. I want to spend those 29 days not using p. I don't want to spend another birthday with this in the back of my head. Avoidance worked best for me the past 20 days also posting daily. One thing I hate about myself is I always seem to lose sight of why I want to quit when I get further in, does anyone know other strategies to help deal with this? I feel like my direction is totally lost I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what to do. I have some savings now, but it is nowhere needed to live well.
I don't know my last relapse I was asking myself why I wanted to quit and what difference does it make. I guess ultimately it is because it isn't real. It is literally a screen and it drains my time. It made yesterday completely pointless and it wasted the entire day. I want to leave this country and I want to quit this job.  I hate my life in a lot of ways.

18
got 6 days then relapsed again. Nofap november is a failure a day in. I feel depressed now. I think i got urges because i was tired today. I am not sure. Also, anime, today should have been  a warning sign to stay off my computer. My birthday is coming up on the 27th. I don't want to be 29 with this problem still. I hate it.

19
Relapsed the other day. It was a really bad edging bend that lasted about 7 hours. Reason why it was so long is because my p habit isn't to just watch p. I will search for videos to download. Now I have a very specific p habit which is downloading basically the same set of videos over and over in a very specific genre or fetish. then deleting the stash. I have a massive headache now. I am unhappy about breaking my streak, but I realized that I ended up relapsing because yesterday I was stimulating my brain too much by seeing too many risque ads on this anime website. I feel better over this relapse even though binge was exceptionally terrible because I know what I need to do. Avoiding artificial stimulation is usually enough for me to control my urges or simply not have any. This binge is only really bad when I don't get back on the horse and I don't immediately start again. I might do a dopamine fast next weekend. This is why I always need to be on guard against even minor stimulation and also the boredom I have. I had boredom and my mind was like go to p do it. But it always turns into this weird bingeing is really bad for my health. I don't how much this will set me back, but it doesn't matter because I am gonna get right back on the horse. Current goal is hitting 30 days for my 29th birthday, I will and can do it.  I am confident now that I can conquer this.

20
Day 20
Something I read in another person's journal about what is happening to them is also happening to me. Particularly, I have a p video or scene stuck in my head in this one has stuck more so than other ones. I had a little fantasizing before I went to sleep last night, but I just it subside. I was close to MOing last night, but I think now it it is too associated with p. I am not sure if I should continue to have sex because it does give me brain fog and in the past caused a severe chaser.  At the moment, I have had some minor urges throughout the day, but this has more to do with me being enormously lazy right now. I will practice some piano soon.
Reasons I want to quit p. It drains my time. It makes depressed. It led me to edge for 8 hours one day(I am genuinely surprised that didn't lead to PIED). It gives me brain fog. It makes my mood incredibly unstable where I will swing from one extreme to the next. It has destroyed my last relationship and led me to cheat. It has ruined 3 years I could have spent on developing myself more. I am tired of this being the primary  problem destroying my self development I don't want to be in my thirties and this still be a problem. P is not my master. I am regaining control everyday.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Want a better life.
« on: October 23, 2020, 07:09:09 AM »
Are you doing hardmode or are you allowing O's with a partner?

22
Day 19
Day 18 was filled with horrible urges I avoided them just by having dinner with someone. Today is similar getting urges again. I realize now before with my longer streaks I wondered why I stopped using. My brain always tells me I can use and be done no need to binge, but because this is an issue I end up bingeing. I end up getting into an awful cycle of bingeing and downloading a stash then deleting the stash only to download it again. I am ready to stop even with the urges I am having. I am tired of p. I want to quit it because it has ruined my productivity when I am not using I improve drastically at my hobbies, but whenever I use p, my life crawls to a halt and I make no headway at all. For me p, just uses up my time besides messing with my enjoyment and interest in women. It has sucked away so much of my time. This is one of the worst parts  about it. I am in control. P is not my master

23
I am having a lot of urges today. My phone blocker saved me from total relapse, but I am really wanting p right now. It is pretty bad at the moment. I honestly would have relapsed if it wasn't for my phone.

24
Hey, Zander, thanks for the advice. I just realized after your response to me and what I should do to deal with urges what I needed to do. I have to remind myself why I want to quit this and just avoid the triggers. For me, looking back I had always engaged in behavior that had been very triggering. It either created urges or made them worse. What helps the most for me in my case is understanding why I want to quit and everyday comparing that with the behavior itself. If I don't do that, it becomes very easy to rationalize to myself why I want to start using again.
Day 18
I had a lot of urges this morning. They were easier to deal with than in the past. I caught myself rationalizing trying to watch another video again. At this point, I always need to tell myself why I want to quit this. P ruined my attention span and it also has screwed up many relationships and opportunities. It was a drain of my time and energy. P is not my master.

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: October 21, 2020, 09:06:04 AM »
I wish I had more people IRL to talk about this with. I'm feeling so very lonely these days.

I think part of the reason p is such a problem for men these days is most of us are completely atomized and cut off from each other. Most people don't maintain friendships very well. Especially men, they lose their friendships growing older. I think this is one of many reasons people get lost in the dopamine rush of p. I wish you well, Zander, not sleeping is hell.

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