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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 23, 2019, 11:00:46 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of
Alcohol: 43 days
PMO: 43/90
Caffeine 15/30

Rich

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 17, 2019, 02:52:00 PM »
Checking in.  I have been very busy moving into our new apartment.

Counts: Abstinent of
PMO: 37/90
Alcohol: 37
Caffeine: 8/30

Rich

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 07, 2019, 11:33:09 PM »
Update:

I did end up caving in today on day 3 without caffeine, by eating a Cliff bar brownie that I stupidly left in the house.  So, tomorrow is day 1 again on sobriety from caffeine, the most difficult addiction I have ever had to beat.  Wish me luck.

Rich

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 07, 2019, 01:40:36 PM »
Checking in.  I know my day counts have been infrequent and my posts have been on a hiatus.  I Blame busy-ness and the fact that I quit caffeine this week, so I am dealing with the enormous withdrawals from that.  I hope to get back to more elaborate posts next week.

So, my counts are
Abstinent of:
PMO: 26/90
Alcohol: 26 days
Caffeine: 3 days

Rich





5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 03, 2019, 10:37:24 AM »
Checking in

Feeling a lot better

According to my AA counter I miscounted.  Up till now I have been counting by the day I was on.  From here on out I will count days successfully sober.

Abstinent of:
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich


6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 01, 2019, 09:37:04 PM »
Been busy folks

Checking to in
Abstinent of
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 29, 2019, 05:35:36 PM »
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

That is how I feel at the moment.  I am about to get off the internet because I feel so close to acting out and know that when this happens I need to get away.  I just cannot get rid of the desire to see erotica.  It is day 18 now, and the thrill and images in my head continue to drive me.  Beyond that, I just can’t get rid of lust in the real world.  Living here in Florida there are beautiful, sexy women everywhere I look.  I do consider my wife beautiful and attractive, but the obsession with other women is a deeply kept secret that I don’t know what to do with.  My obsession with breasts has returned, even though I have not acted out online or masturbated to porn (I have masturbated once this week).  I don’t know why my obsession with breasts has returned or stayed, but it is here with a vengeance and I have little control over checking out women IRL.  I feel like I am regressing here.  This journal is my only outlet as I feel that I definitely cannot tell my wife any of this stuff without hurting her or making her feel like I will break her trust.

That is everything.  So, still technically sober of PMO, but having more trouble with lust than ever.

I will pray over this.

Rich

Abstinent of
PMO: 18/90
Alcohol: 18

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 27, 2019, 07:01:47 PM »
Tension is building, so I am going to make myself write.  I had a good AA meeting this evening.  I have little or no interest in drinking tonight, but the urge to PMO is oh so strong.  I am just so irritated with everything.  To start with the positive, my wife and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Disney World.  I didn’t spend too much money, and we both enjoyed a good time at the parks.  I am dedicated to improving as a husband, becoming ever more selfless and supportive of my wife.  Now for the negative: there is something wrong with my car.  The passenger airbag off light is on and something is leaking at the front of the car.  Always great when that happens.  My driving definitely needs improvement, and that is likely the cause.  The soonest I can take the car in is Thursday, so I set up an appointment for then.  Of course this has set off anxiety and my selfishness in not being able to get the car looked at right away.  So, I am going to have to drive the car as little as possible (still need to go to AA meetings) as I CAN.  And I obviously can’t have my wife in the car.

I am so, so, so frustrated, and want more than ever to be hedonistic and to get pleasure from PMO.

Now I am going to try to pray it away.

Hope others are doing well

Rich

Abstinent of:
PMO: 16/90
Alcohol: 16

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 25, 2019, 10:55:38 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 14/90
Alcohol: 14

Rich

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 23, 2019, 07:29:57 AM »
Checking in

Abstinent of:
*PMO: 12/90
*Alcohol: 12

Rich

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 20, 2019, 10:34:16 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of
PMO: 9/90
Alcohol: 9

Time for bed

Rich

12
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:38:09 PM »
I forgot to mention that in an alternative reality where erotic media did NOT exist, the focus would be on the EXPERIENCE of sex, rather than obtaining the object or woman. 

Rather than sexuality being a game where someone wins, it would be an experience of attraction, initiation, and equal engagement between two people on an equal footing.

To sum up my point of view

1.  Religion makes sex bad and blames women.

Women are taught that they excite men.  Men are told that it is bad that women excite them.  Women are told it is their fault and they need to act to stop men from being excited by them.

This insanity leads to 2.

2.  Banning sex leads to porn as a substitution.

Because teenagers are told that sexuality is bad, their natural attraction to the opposite sex leads them to porn.

3.  Porn makes them see those they are attracted to as objects. 

When you watch porn or look at erotic images, you quite literally objectify the individual.  They are a photo or image.  Yow OWN them.

4.  The mind generalizes this feeling of ownership to the real women men interact with.

Men feel that they are entitled to the women they are attracted to and are owed sex.



Alternative world without porn and erotica

1.  People are sexual and are attracted to other people.

2.  Teenagers are forced to enact their sexuality with real people.  I do not support underage sex. This means that they date, kiss, make out with, and engage in their sexuality with others in mutually consensual exchanges.  Because of this, men learn what consent is.  They look for consent in exchanges and sexuality is automatically aligned with consent.  You can’t be sexual without consent.

3.  Women are seen as people, even when you are attracted to them.

4.  Men do not see women as objects, and can take rejection.  because women are not objects, it doesn’t disgrace a man’s manhood to be rejected..

5.  Men want to engage with enthusiastic partners and so they seek relationships with women they are attracted with.

There you go.  The world may not have been perfect without porn, but I imagine many of the problems we have in society would not have been problems without porn.

Rich

13
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:20:44 PM »
Wow, this is a really long thread now.

Before I begin, I want to say that I only feel comfortable talking from a heterosexual man’s point of view.  I assume that the following is the same for women, but I cannot guarantee that, so I don’t aim to generalize.

My two cents is that porn and erotic media lead to the objectification of women.  Real life does NOT.  What I mean by that is that I draw a very thick line between noticing beauty and sexiness and obsessing over it or living through it.

As someone who reads and works with science every day, I believe that humans are sexual creatures.  We do desire the opposite sex and want to procreate.  Basically, being attracted to members of the opposite sex is natural.

Ogling and unnatural staring is something different.  It is acquired through consuming media.  Natural glances are seconds long, subtle, and do NOT separate the personhood of the person being looked at from the sexiness.  Ogling does.

All of that to say that I feel that society’s stance against teenage sexuality is the root, which leads young men and women to porn, which hijacks their sexualities and makes actual sexuality problematic.

I would have preferred it if I had never seen porn.  EVER.  It ruined my ability to associate with women and to manage my sexuality.

Not being brought up with porn means that a heterosexual boy or man is attracted to WHOLE women.  Yes, they are attracted to women because they have breasts, vaginas, and nice behinds.  Biologically, that is what drives them towards women.  But this natural biological attraction is tied to the personhood of the individual.

So, yes, the woman a man is attracted to may have started as an object, but in interacting with said woman, the man sees her as a subject, as equal.

The subject hood of the woman then reinforces her equal footing.  Without erotic media, the only way a man can live out his sexuality is by respecting the women he engages with sexually.  Make sense? 

More than that, I imagine that there would be no objectification in the first place.  We men naturally want to be desired by those we desire, so objectification the way we see it in our world makes no sense whatsoever.  Neither does the abuse of those that we desire.  It is the result of a status quo that objectifies women.  Not of natural sexual desire.

I can imagine an alternative reality where I never consumed or ever saw porn.  I would have had natural crushes and maybe even dated in my early teens.  I would have made out with those crushes or maybe petted.’

Again in this alternative reality the only way anyone would be able to be sexual is through consent.

I would get to college, have sex and enjoy it.  I wouldn’t have objectified my sexual partners, but would have seen sex as the amazing experience it is, between two people.

That reality was stolen from me by an industry that wants to own men and take advantage of natural sexuality for financial gain.

End porn now.

Rich

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:15 PM »
Shitty: that is in a word how I feel mentally and emotionally today.  I am going through drama with family, but I won’t get into that at the moment.  I don’t know if I would be dealing with everything so well if I weren’t sober.  Our marriage has been better in the past seven days of abstinence from alcohol than in the past months.  I notice a difference in myself, and we have even discussed having sex again once we move to our new apartment in June that has thicker walls (her worry more than mine).  I feel like some form of normality has come into our lives.  Even as we deal with my narc. Mother.  More on that later.

So, checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 7/90
ALCOHOL: day 7

I have been going to AA meetings almost every day this week *=(except for the day before yesterday (Thursday) when we stayed at my Grandparent’s when we brought their car back.  I feel that I will continue going to meetings every day next week, but will reduce it to two or one meetings a week following that. 

I am feeling more empowered as I try to control the world less.  Looking forward to things more.  Next week is our wedding anniversary.  Three years.  They aren’t what they could have been (had I been sober), but this woman is the love of my life and I don’t regret a second with her.

Be back tomorrow.

Rich

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 16, 2019, 10:14:52 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence:
PMO: 5/90
Alcohol: Day 5

Rich

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 14, 2019, 08:55:36 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence
PMO: 3/90
Alcohol: Day 3

Rich

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 05:32:49 PM »
Checking in on the day after.  I missed an AA meeting because I went to the wrong address.  The next AA meeting is at 8:15, so I will be leaving for that at around 7:45 pm.  I actually look forward to the meeting and working on my alcoholism.  Yep, Malando, my behavior last night definitely was against my vows.  But I blame the alcohol.  When I drink I turn into a different person, or a much worse version of myself.  AA meeting tonight.  I think that in concert with my work here at Reboot Nation I will start to see considerable improvement.

Going to keep track of all of my sobriety dates on here, so:

Abstaining from PMO/Erotica: Day 1/90
Abstaining from alcohol: Day 1
Abstaining from candy/soda (helps me to stay sober of alcohol): Day 1/90

Rich

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 12:35:27 AM »
Most of the time I try to leave room in my journal to let the facts speak for themselves.  I don’t try to hide the unpleasantness.  I don’t write poetics.  But tonight, I truly feel like I can’t fall too much harder than I did tonight.  I can’t find the words to express how difficult this journey will become when I wake up tomorrow.  Facing all my demons at once.  Fighting all of my addictions at the same time.  It will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

There is a silver lining, perhaps.  I have finally realized that “cheap” thrills can numb me for a few minutes.  They can occupy me for a bit.  But they can’t substitute for what’s real.  Alcohol, the warmth of a woman’s flesh.  I see now that none of it can substitute for real life.  If for nothing else, I feel like I have at least realized that touching other women won’t solve my problems or make me feel better.  I am thankful that I didn’t have to cheat to find this out.  I hate that this happened tonight.  But tomorrow is a new day.

No more drinking.  No more PMO

Rich

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 12:20:01 AM »
............and then it all fell apart.  Checking in.  I didn’t PMO, at least not initially, but did something much worse.  I was away hiking today, stopped to get a beer, and then came back to town.  I had to go to the store for some things.  I then went to another bar near home and got tipsy.  I then came home, got into a fight with my wife over drinking, and then left.  But I didn’t go to drink more...I went to a strip club.  I ended up spending two hundred dollars there that I wish I could get back.  Needless to say, I will never tell my wife about this.  EVER!  She does not need to know.  For all she knows, I went to have a few more beers before coming back.

What does this tell me?  That I obviously can’t improve one vice while allowing others.  I have resisted it for as long as I could, but it is time to quit drinking too.  I have to discuss the drinking with my wife now.  I get to look forward to that tomorrow morning.

I see now what drinking does to me and I don’t want to drink anymore.

I obviously need to restart the clock.  At least starting from scratch will be more honest.  Tomorrow will be the start of a much harder reboot from pmo, alcohol, and now erotic entertainment.

Rich

O/90

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 11, 2019, 07:23:28 PM »
Checking in on day 54/90. 

Rich

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 06, 2019, 09:21:43 PM »
Checking in on day 49/90.  I am officially farther in this journey than I have ever been before.  It feels good.  Let’s go over the positive first.  I feel more confident and my confidence is growing every day.  I have more self control than I have had in a long, long time.  I have more control of myself in public and when interacting with people.  I no longer have the urge to ogle women.  I can take glances without staring, etc.  It is no longer a big deal to notice good looking people.  The guy who got fired for leering at women on the job, among other things, seems like a distant memory.  Now I have complete control of myself and that feels good. 

And now for the difficulties: I do feel cravings rising a bit.  I have noticed now, as I approach 50 days, my mind will occasionally scream: “I wanna see tits”!  The old pathways pop up every once in a while, but I always just walk away.  I am feeling more control, but also know that I always have to be mindful.

That’s all for the moment.  Will check in tomorrow.

Rich

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 05, 2019, 02:58:42 PM »
Checking in on day 48/90.  About to go out.  Have a great day everyone!

Rich

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 02, 2019, 06:51:55 PM »
Checking in on day 45/90
Day 5 without mb

Rich

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 29, 2019, 05:01:34 PM »
Quick post before I get to studying for the rest of the evening.  First of all, I am not going to give myself a hard time for being attracted to women around me.  I have no impulse at all to do anything about it.  I am working on my marriage, and am only interested in my wife.  I don’t know why my hormones are running so wild, but it is nothing that sex with my wife can’t fix.  Speaking of which, I have felt my sex drive grow just in these two days of not masturbating.  I had no idea two days could make such a difference.  I have no idea what a week will feel like.  To sum everything up.  Nothing wrong with looking.  I am finding myself more and more attracted to my wife, and I am more interested in sex than I was last week.  I still do not feel ready for sex yet.  I unconsciously gave myself erections this morning before waking up.  I am going to stop even doing that from here on out to see if I don’t start seeing more efficient erections as a result.  I would like to start feeling something going on by just looking at my wife, and definitely want touch to start making it happen as well.

I feel like I am making progress.  It feels good to be interested in women again in a more active manner, if that makes sense.  My sexuality is less of a creeper, computer lens type of sexuality and more of an attraction to the female form that feels more natural.

Again, I have no plans to cheat, no interest in cheating on my wife.  I feel like my attraction to women around me is just the natural result of an extended time away from porn and a result of a ban on masturbation.

That’s all for now.

Day 42/90
Day 2 without mb

Rich

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 28, 2019, 06:03:31 PM »
Thanks, Pornhealth.  I already do intermittent fasting, giving up dinner six days a week (I allow myself to have dinner with my wife one day a week).  I am trying to get more committed to this as we move from vacation mode to real ordinary life.  I need to get exercising.  I would love to do strength training, but would prefer not to join a gym, at least not until I have gotten a job (which should happen within this next month).  So, lots of push ups, crunches, and other things that I can do at home.  I will put your suggestions into good use.

I am interrupting my teaching indoctrination (studying) to write a quick update.  I hate that I have to memorize incorrect, unsubstantiated ideas like learning styles (no scientific evidence), to left brain/right brain hemisphericity (disproved decades ago).  Seriously, some of the stuff from my text book is from books written in the sixties and seventies.  Piaget would not have been taken seriously if he wrote today, as almost all of his ideas are based on studying his own children (talk about small sample size).

But I have to take it in stride.  Studying the next two and a half days before my next exam (professional education).

I am already feeling the effects of not allowing myself to masturbate after a day.  It feels like I have so much pent up energy already.  And also it makes it a lot easier to deal with being surrounded by hot women all the time, if I know that I cannot reap the rewards later.  Yes, it feels annoying in the moment.  But just knowing that I will not get hits of dopamine from the experience of looking at women, except for the actual act of looking, changes the experience. 

I feel like I am not yet ready to be sexual yet.  Fortunately, my wife is not rushing me.  I do not know yet whether the sexual energy I feel is enough to do well in the bedroom, and I still worry about not performing in the bedroom like I have the last few times we had sex.  It gets embarrassing and annoying to have to get myself hard.

I hope that simply eliminating masturbation is the next step to reconnecting getting an erection to appreciating my wife.  At least, that is what I think will happen.  I am getting into unexplored territory.

But it is also important to take a look at the difference I have made.  I am 41 days clean of pornography, erotic imagery, and daily masturbation.

Last week I masturbated twice.  I am cutting back on that.  I still feel lust for other women besides my wife, but I feel that getting rid of the rewarding activity (masturbating) will help me reconnect with my wife.

That’s all for now,

Day 41/90

Rich

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