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Messages - 4moa

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: March 21, 2018, 02:51:17 PM »
March 21st  day 187
Still here fighting the good fight. By this point I don't feel as if I have to deal with any type of urge day-to-day. Which feels like a win all in itself.

The hardest part now is how to move forward with my wife. Some days I'm not so sure that she loves me anymore. It's just the small things that I notice, like the difference in tone of voice when she speaking with me or with one of our three children. I know of course  she's going to talk differently to them  but you can really  hear  the love that she has for them in her voice . Or if one of our kids sits down next to her on the couch she snuggles into them and will caressed their arm or show other outward signs of affection. Not so much with me though even though she knows that I love to be touched, she knows that if she started tickling my arm while we were watching a movie I wouldn't move for anything because I love it so much.

I found myself being jealous of our pet cat the other morning for Christ's sake. I don't know maybe she just loves me differently now. Or maybe she's not that into me anymore.

Thanks Aquarius for the note my little man definitely keeps me young your other two children are girls who are equally amazing in different ways. But that little boy is just so much fun. Destructive but fun

Sorry for the crappy attitude for anybody reading this. I guess my journal is what I fall back on when life feels a little overwhelming or harder than it should be. I'll make an effort to post happier thoughts on the days things look better balance this thing out

2
Try thinking ahead to how you'd  feel if you gave in to this urge! Don't focus on these urges push them out of your mind as quickly and fiercely as you can. Being irritable at this stage is very normal I think. Try to embrace that. And know that it's just your brain trying to make you feel bad so that you go back for that dopamine hit.

That's good right? I mean if you're feeling this way then you're on your way to Healing your brain and fixing something in your life that only you can. You should learn as much as you can about this addiction if you haven't already. Your brain making you feel irritable is just the first trick.

From me knowing what was possible helped me be more successful when any sort of feelings came up.

Just get through today

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: February 20, 2018, 02:53:07 PM »
February 20th 2018
Day 158

Thank you Aquarius for your continued advice and the time you take out of your life to give it! However I will confess that I haven't been so very good at being able to follow it.

But these failures did bring about more talks to where I could just really open up to my wife and let her know how high my anxiety level is anytime I feel like we might make love that night. Just that simple admission seem to help things quite a bit.

I recently finished the five love languages for men. Really enjoyed that book if anyone's reading this I strongly recommend it.

Just wanted to drop a few lines to let anybody know out there that I'm still beating this thing day to day and life feels like things improve bit by bit. Still some rough days but those are seeming to spread out and still seeming to deal with mini flat lines but the severity seems to be lessening as well.

My little boy turned two Saturday I consider it a true blessing that my wife is willing to give me this chance to prove myself so that I can continue to see my boy grow. I'm more determined than ever to be the man he sees and to make sure he grows up knowing how terribly toxic pornography really is

That's all I got for now just sending love and Good Vibes out there to everyone

4
Prepare for pain. You will be very uncomfortable and will probably need a lot of help and support. I don't know how I would have gotten this far without my wife's support and love.

I would strongly urge you to go to your wife and disclose your addiction! Trust me it's soul crushing to see the pain in your wife's face but my thought is if you want this to work and want to save your marriage you need to build your recovery on a foundation of truth.

It won't be easy....go read my story I'm not a super expert but by the small amount you have shared our stories line up quite closely. But if you're going to do this and stick to it you really have to be prepared as best as possible!

My anxiety was through the roof I mean I really felt I was going crazy once you start to go through dopamine withdrawals! You are going to have a real hard time hiding any of this from your wife and that's not really fair to her either.

At any rate those are just my thoughts. I'm really happy to see you here and that you're ready to take control of what's been ruining your life for so long! Stay strong and stay away from triggers. really be honest with anything that drags you back to your addiction.




5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: January 29, 2018, 12:56:14 PM »
Day 136 January 29 2018

Still hanging on. feel depressed and sad.

Love my wife, attracted like crazy to her, want to make love to her but most attempts End badly. My performance is not seeming to come back.  Or things work good a time or two and it's like my brain throws my body into a mini flat line, and things stop working.

God I wish I could go back and undo the hurt I've caused

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: December 28, 2017, 09:39:58 AM »
Day 104 December 28th 2017

I've been staring at the screen for the last 10 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I want to scream. I feel like a hamster on a wheel get up go to work come home convince my wife I didn't screw up and some colossal way, help with the kids watch a show that triggers my wife and some way no she doesn't readily telling me then go to sleep and start all over in the morning.

My wife has discovered Big Brother the TV show and before disclosure we had been watching it together sort of our little binge watch show in the evenings. After disclosure I quickly realized that the show only would upset her watching it with me obviously because of the girls cast in the show are oftentimes good looking and not interested in wearing too much in the way of clothing.

I talked to her about this and told her that even though I enjoyed the program I didn't want to watch it anymore because it made me uncomfortable as well as it was a near certainty that by the end of the night she wouldn't be thinking too highly of me.

So she started watching the program without me while I was at work which I'm fine with. But as she watches through the day she'll get to a spot in the program where she just can't wait to see what happens so she told me that I would have to get over it because she really wanted to see how the season was going to end. I told her that was fine and the show wasn't particularly triggering for myself I just didn't want it to ruin all of our evenings if it causes her to feel differently about me.

It still makes me uncomfortable to watch with her anytime a woman comes on and is in a bikini or leggings I feel like " okay where am I supposed to look now maybe at the wall with all of the family pictures or my wife or maybe the floor...... can I look up now has the camera shifted to a different person what is my wife thinking right now"  all that sort of fun stuff goes through my head and about the first second.  So instead of sitting on the couch with my wife and watching a show I've taken 2 running dry fire drills with my pistol or rifle sure the kitchen, living room, dining room area. I know it sounds crazy but it's a hell of a lot better already having something ready to focus on instead of finding a spot to stare at up a wall.

Well last night I was feeding our almost 2 year old son dinner and she had put Big Brother on the TV in the living room. She had gone to the bathroom, and the crazy thing is is that before disclosure I most certainly would have used that opportunity to freely stare at any attractive woman on the TV. However that wasn't the case last night, I truly was simply engrossed in the show and even though there was a woman and tight fitting clothing leggings I think I truly wasn't paying attention to her. There was a particular guy that we liked and didn't want him to be evicted and I was paying attention to what he was saying.

But she came out, and I was watching the TV, that's it case closed I'm a scumbag. I didn't even realize it until I tried to tell her what was happening with Judd that's the dude's name that she really likes and this season and she responded with silence mostly for the rest of the night.

It did give me time to think back and reflect on exactly what was happening when she walked in and that's when I realized that yes there was a woman on the TV screen but I was not paying her any attention.

I guess I should have tried to convince her of that, but I didn't say anything. it gets more than a little tiring to do so at every turn.

I'm sure it's exhausting for her to be worried and suspicious at every turn.

That's it that's all I got I hope life gets better

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: December 22, 2017, 09:41:03 AM »
De 98, December 22 2017

Thanks Gazz,  I guess I was hoping that once I made this milestone that things would be working out a little better. And in some respects they are. For example there have been times  my wife has thought that I'm up to something when I get home from work. But she's so good at spotting me when I'm being deceptive that with a little time talking she can tell that I'm telling the truth. That's new but I'm sure has something to do with the fact that in the past even if I hadn't done something that day and she was questioning me I knew in my heart there was plenty of other things on different days that you didn't know about.

So I really feel like our communication is more open and honest for the first time in a long time. And I've read a lot about this addiction and what it does to your physical body. I guess I was just hoping that that wouldn't be me. I could walk through the 90-day door and everything would be working just great.

Unfortunately that's not the case. The last 3 times we've tried to make love my erections or rather soft maybe about 60 to 70% and I didn't last hardly a minute. WTF  I just don't know if it all has to do with continuing my rewiring process, or if it has to do with the fact that I'm less than a month away from being 40.

I just hate feeling like I'm failing my wife I don't want her to feel like she's unattractive or that I don't desire her. She's been very kind throughout this but I can see the hurt in her eyes and maybe worried too.

The crazy thing is that we've made love weeks before and it was an incredible success I mean mind-blowing. So I'm hoping that this healing process is a series of Peaks and valleys and that at some point things will level off hopefully near that peak level.

But until then I'm just confused and disheartened. I guess all I can do is give it time. I really get f****** tired of that being the answer. But I'm not going to do the things that some of the others in this forum have tried to isolate their problem like testing with masturbation or porn. I refuse to ever go down that path again.

So I'll just get in my truck, go to work, and in the wise words from the movie Tommy Boy..... try not to jerk the wheel into a goddamn Bridge embankment



8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: December 14, 2017, 08:09:03 AM »
Day 90!!  December 14th 2017

So I haven't been on in a while but have been fighting the good fight none the less. I guess it's been a mixed bag mostly good but every now and then feelings of frustration with the situation creep in. I just have to keep reminding myself that this damage was done over a long period of time and will take likely even longer to repair.

I had my strongest urge to at least masturbate last Friday. My wife had to go for an appointment with her surgeon. I was still at the house because the gun range wasn't going to open until 10. As I was getting my gear together I could feel the urge building and my mind started rationalizing that maybe it wouldn't be a big deal I wouldn't even be looking at porn and if I did masturbate I could always stop before orgasm.

 I literally shook my head violently as if to shake these lies out of my head. I immediately started thinking about the after effects and consequences if I allowed myself to relapse.

See it's not so one sided for me in trying to break this cycle I have a much bigger reason then the biological function of my penis. Well it's nice to see that function returning. It would mean nothing if I didn't have my wife and family.

I just can't live anymore lies and my wife doesn't deserve any more lies so if I allow myself any backsliding I would have to go to her and tell her that once again her trust was Ill founded.

Despite her love for me I'm not sure how many more times our relationship could take that.  So at any rate that's what went through my head. I packed up my gear got in my truck and went shooting.

Just a side note for anybody reading I have found that not orgasming or making love with your significant other at least a week before competing is a very very good thing! I shoot competitively and my last competition this past Sunday was one of my best to date. I ended up fourth in my division and 6th overall for the day. The shoot before that I had gone nearly 50 days without pmo and was in the running for at least a top 10 finish before I was disqualified because while I was running my holster hit a barricade jarring my pistol loose.

You just have a clarity that really sharpens when you don't allow yourself that release. 

So I guess at the end of 90 days I know that I'm still at the beginning and that this will be something I continue to fight day 2 day and week-to-week...... you get the point. But I can't think of anything more worth fighting for.

@aquarius  thank you for your perspective and advise I find it to be as usual well thought-out and sound. Thank you for the time and energy you take out of your day to offer it in assistance of me.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: December 03, 2017, 10:46:42 AM »
Day 79  December 3

Sorta feel like I'm in a mini flat line, which sucks.

I think my wife feels like something is going on.....maybe because past history would mean that I should be about due to fuck this up.  My past will follow me forever.

I will keep trying to keep the lines of communication open, but i feel like she pulling back. Her mother has been here for two weeks helping while she was recovering from surgery, I don't know maybe that messed up our family flow. 

Guess I just feel sad that my trust bank is empty. My word is shit with her.  It's Sunday morning she's in the shower and probley wondering if I'm down here jacking off. 

Don't ever lie to the person you love. You'll break something you can never completely repair.

Sometimes I hate myself

I love my family

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 28, 2017, 09:59:43 AM »
Day 73  Nov. 28

Yesterday was Monday first day back to work after having a week off for thanksgiving, and my wife surgery. 

It was a tough day yesterday. I guess I feel like I've just been cruising. No real urges to fight through. Not so for yesterday!  It just seemed to be present in my head for most of the day. That urge to look at porn. I found myself continually needing to refocus my mind. But it was a scary thing to have those urges crop up out of nowhere.

I don't really know if these are things I should be sharing with my wife. It definitely doesn't seem to have a great effect on her whenever I've told her that I've had a rough day. I think it upsets her, no I know it upsets her that I have to fight through any urges. Shouldn't all of my urges be for her? I wish that's the way it was. Maybe it will be someday.

I just wish I never poisoned my brain to begin with. I am so thankful though that I found this forum! I've never kept a journal for the nearly 40 years I've been alive and I really do find it to be helpful in my recovery.

So I guess my takeaway for today is 71 days 72 days. These are great ways to keep track of my progress but I can never let my guard down no matter how easy the day or week or month before was! I've definitely red Enough stories of relapse after much longer. Than I've been able to do.

Yesterday at the end of the day my wife asked me to pick up a few things from the grocery store and I have been fighting these urges all day long. And I actually caught myself walking to the magazine aisle sure that I was only going to look at gun magazines do you know dude stuff.

And maybe I would have but by the time I got to the aisle I realized how foolish this idea was I just turned around I finished my grocery shopping. Likely in my state of mind I would have ended up flipping through other magazines and hopes finding pictures that would feed this desire. And who knows maybe a week or two or three I would be relapsing.

It seems so small are innocent it's just a few pictures and a magazine that they sell at grocery stores for Christ's sake but this group is really help me be honest with myself and I know at least in my current state of recovery where that would likely leave me.

So yesterday was a win! A scary win but I'll take it and learn from it.

Sending lots of love out there to you guys

The fight is real never give up!

And FUCK PORN!

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 24, 2017, 09:28:23 AM »
Day 69

Just busy taking care of my wife and family. I have no idea how she does this every day and still has energy to even talk to me when I get home in the evenings. I'm  hiding in the bathroom trying to take a poop!  My one year old should be trying to break down the door any second.

Things have been easier than usual but that's because most of my triggers remain outside the house.

Just a little update for anyone reading this

69days

Morning wood pretty reliable every morning

Hydraulics are very receptive to anything my wife does

Mind is very clear and easily focused

So I guess that means there's hope for any of you reading this.
But I really think the takeaway is that pornis dangerous. How much poison do you want in your cookie? How much dogshit do you want in your brownie?

NONE!! There is no good or safe amount for your brain! We try and make good decisions for our physical health. The same thought should be put into our mental health!

Super busy. Gotta go

FUCK PORN!

12
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: What does forgiveness look like?
« on: November 22, 2017, 08:32:09 AM »
Just my thoughts.....

You are still with your husband after this massive betrayal.  You are willing to move across the country for a new start. You have been working on yourself and your recovery...... forgiveness may look exactly like that.

Forgetting may be the hardest thing to truly do. Especially with all of the triggers that are possible to run across each day.  I think forgetting really could take years and years for him to prove that it's safe for you to forget. Or maybe just a few big events where he does the right thing showing his willingness to be connected to Only You.

I guess my point is that if you find these feelings flaring up it seems pretty natural to me.

These are just my thoughts and if you found anything offencive please disregard it. I truly I'm only trying to give you my viewpoint

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 21, 2017, 05:13:19 PM »
Day 66!

My amazing wife is in surgery and has been for the last 3 and half hours. She deals with chronic pain and we are trying to improve some of these issues.

That wonderful little dove was spending time worrying about my recovery or the possibility of relapse this morning before we left for the Surgery Center, instead of herself. She never stops amazing me!

For the last few weeks every morning before I kiss her goodbye I make sure to look her in the eye and say  " don't worry about today, I've got today"  I just like to affirm to her that I'm going to fight for us today...... And win!

Well for reasons I won't get into, other than to say getting the surgery scheduled and dealing with Hospital staff has been so stressful that if whooping the appropriate persons ass would have produced the result I needed it would have happened.
But with all this extra stress I've forgotten to give her that promise for the last 3 or 4 mornings. 

Last night as we were laying in bed she asked me if I had anything to tell her.  I didn't in fact I've been acting as if she were next to me through my days.  I only want to see my wife as something to desire. So until I can control my brain better I HAVE TO CONTROL WHAT MY EYES SEE. That means no second looks at a pretty woman in public. Pretty women are out there but I don't want to betray my wife with my actions OR my thoughts.

Another thing I've been missing.... because of my lack properly focused attention, is assholes are constantly checking my wife out.  We went to the grocery store together yesterday, and some guy and his wife probably in their 60s was looking my wife up and down every time we passed them. I was ready to break his hip....remember the stress I mentioned I was going through earlier in this post.

Was I that asshole just a few months ago? I think I or anyone reading this post knows the answer to that.  She made the comment that it didn't give her too much hope if this is how men still acted at his age. 

I am determined to prove her wrong at least in my case!

Well got to wrap this up I've got loved ones to text and give updates to.

FUCK PORN

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 21, 2017, 01:17:06 PM »
Aquarius25 Thank you soooooo much for the advice! Obviously I posted before seeing yours. And your advice is spot on. I didn't really know what to say but tried to make sure she knew I was aware of her pain and stayed close enough to be there if she needed anything from me.

But asking her what she needs..... What a great idea! I'm not being sarcastic.  Really why are women so much smarter or better at this " talking"  thing than us guys! It really does just drill down to the point and hopefully help both of us.

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: 7-30-90
« on: November 21, 2017, 12:51:27 PM »
Hey 32. I haven't seen you on lately! Hope you're doing well!

Please don't give up this fight! There is so much happiness and contentment on the other side of the emptiness that porn leaves you with.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 21, 2017, 12:47:31 PM »
Day 64!

Thanks web100! That really means a lot to hear that my story might be helpful to someone!

Yesterday started a little rough. I had to work Saturday in the morning. I called to say good morning to my wife and could instantly tell something was wrong.  She had been on Reboot nation reading stories from partners of rebooters or PA. I've read a lot of these accounts as well I definitely recommend if you haven't read them, doing so. I think its just a little more armor against relapsing.

My wife is so much better than me at communicating her feelings or  just in general opening up and talking. But I think she holds back for my sake about exactly how she's feeling. Maybe scared of saying something that would cause me to relapse?  At any rate I'm sure whichever stories she read, there were at least parts that resonated with our experience as a couple.


So the rest of the morning at work my stomach was twisted up in knots worrying about my wife and how she was doing. I met my family at PetSmart after I finished up work. I can now tell you I'm the proud new owner of a cat.......... I know what nearly anyone reading this story would think........ you poor bastard.

But it's not really like that the cat is actually pretty cool. Sorry that was just a little side note story. The tough part is that when my wife is feeling triggered whether it's through another person's account of what they've dealt with or just an image that pops up during a TV show or a certain scene in a movie. I have a hard time gauging what it is she needs from me. Does she want to talk to me? Does she want or need more apologies me reaffirming my commitment to never go there again? Or does she just need time to herself to work through her feelings?


So needless to say the day just felt really tense and at one point she did say that she just wishes she could get out of her own head sometimes. I know I've said it before but my wife truly is an amazing woman and mother! I really do feel that the forgiveness is coming much sooner and faster then the forgetting. I hope forgetting as possible to at least to some degree but I think there will always be instances that will remind her and I hate that.

But the night ended amazing, we made love and I'm telling you it was the most amazing experience in my memory! No joke I nearly passed out at the end! Then we woke up Sunday morning and before the kids woke up had a second round!!! No performance anxiety! Everything worked great! So maybe that will encourage some of you guys out there.

Just wanted to say for myself as a reminder, if I go back and read this if I'm ever feeling weak that HARD MODE to actually a very beautiful thing if you are in a committed relationship. Rebooting is only a little part of this journey. Rewiring to my wife is also very important!

Not focusing on ANY woman that's not my wife is what she deserves! That means no " innocent looking through magazines at the grocery store. No looking at real people that my be triggering and a constantly paying attention to what I allow my mind to focus on.

I know it sounds difficult. It is for a short period of time. But it's easier fighting those thoughts out of your mind when they're small. Then when you give your brain permission for ANY small thing it has the potential of turning into a runaway train.

This entry has actually taken almost 3 days. So that's it for now.  I really hope everyone had a good weekend I know weekends are tougher for alot of you guys.

FUCK PORN!!!


17
Ages 30-39 / Re: 7-30-90
« on: November 17, 2017, 03:23:14 PM »
By the way thanks for your nice opinion of me after reading my story even if it might be a little undeserved. Again I'm sorry 4 any incorrect word usage I do all of this through voice to text

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: 7-30-90
« on: November 17, 2017, 01:37:55 PM »
Hey 32 good to see you're here fighting the good fight still! Tough break about those pics you looked at yesterday. But I think you did great understanding where it was heading and shutting it down.

One thing that's helped me as anytime I see a woman be it in real life or on the cover of a magazine I try to imagine her story. Maybe a tired new mom with a crap boyfriend just trying to get by or someone stressed out thinking about how they're going to pay their gas bill at any rate the point is that pornography removes the human aspect from these actual people.

I'm quite certain a vast majority of people in that industry have suffered deeply to devalue themselves and that way. All of these women have parents, Brothers, sisters . We have two girls and one boy and it would gut me for my girls to end up in that industry or my boy to experience the pain I've gone through!

One thing's for sure is that my boy will know the truth about what p*** does and how dangerous it really is!

Haha just stopped at a red light I started reading this back I guess you and Gazz don't have the market on rambling.

I've been doing a lot of that lately but I don't really think it's rambling more than giving my brain free reign to my mouth. When you spend so many years concealing your addiction from loved ones I think you really measure your words to make sure none of your secrets come out. It's actually quite a good feeling to just say what comes into your head sometimes!

But I just got to my appointment and I haven't even written in my journal yet today. So in answer to your question about your counter...... it's up to you dude will it feel like a lie to yourself if you count this is day 10? I really don't think it's a super big deal either way.

Just keep in mind that even if you're looking at women that are fully closed but you're getting some of those same feelings your strengthening those neural pathways that were trying to kill!

Just know that I'm pulling for you....... wait! That was a terrible choice of words! I mean I got your back...... Shit! That didn't sound good either!

Sorry bro I joke a lot but really I am interested in your recovery you've got a lot to look forward to. Just pick yourself up, embrace the suck and keep moving forward!

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: 7-30-90
« on: November 16, 2017, 09:43:41 PM »
Hey 32

I've read your story and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me! I know exactly what your talking about! You get going on pmo, your life, self worth, and so many things start going down the shiter. Then you say I'm going to take control, I'm gonna change. Life and mood improves and you feel good. Right?

Then the demons in your mind show up......WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY FEELING GOOD. you somehow talk youself into pmoing again. But that's really not what happened, think back about your triggers. If you're going to fight this you can't let yourself have any type of visual stimulus. Even any magazines at a grocery store can send you down the wrong path.

I'm a father of three and have lost so much time with false promises and weak resolve so trust me when I say that you have to beat this otherwise your regret will be so profound and so deep that forgiving yourself later May feel impossible.

You need to be honest with yourself and what your triggers are. Remember that your brain is going to try to fool you into thinking that this is okay or what I'm looking at isn't as bad as what I used to. Those are all lies and will continue to drag you back to where you started.

I start every day with an actual out loud statement that I've got today, today I'm going to win. You owe that to your fiance and your unborn child. So don't give up the fight and I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 16, 2017, 12:23:15 PM »
Day 61!

It's really crazy how my brain works sometimes yesterday I didn't write in my journal but woke up feeling super anxious and very depressed. I I thought to myself at least 20 times before I even got out of bed that I wished I was dead. Really nothing is changed from one day to the next and I feel like my reboot is going well. But I guess my brain is still rewiring and asking for that dopamine hit.

Anyhow today is much better I feel back on track as far as my emotions go no real anxiety or depression. So I just need to make sure that I remind myself that these love points will pass and I got to say stay tough with myself.

My wife and I didn't even turn on the TV last night we just talked for hours we were planning on watching Survivor. But we just kept talking and talking it is wonderful to connect with my wife on different levels. We ended up taking a bath together we have a super big tub so it works out great.

She mentioned to me that she's noticed that I'm more aware of people around me and just the subtle things that I normally wouldn't pick up on as far as her mood goes. Hearing those sorts of things are really encouraging to me and make me happy to know that I'm fulfilling some of her needs finally.

I really hate wastefulness you know stupid stuff like turning lights off when you go out of a room shutting the fridge every time you get something out of it even if you know you're going right back for something else. I'm so pissed at myself for wasting so much time with regards to my wife and family.

Some days I really have a hard time forgiving myself and moving forward.

 I don't know if anything I put down in this journal has helped or will help anyone but at this point in my recovery it's helping me tremendously it keeps me focused on what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. So sorry guys if you're reading this and don't get too much help from it I feel like I have to be selfish and help myself before I be of much help to anyone else.

I love my family so much and I really feel like that anchors me in my resolve to never relapse again. I'm telling you guys find yourself a good woman that loves you and anything is possible.

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 14, 2017, 05:47:17 PM »
Day 59!

Thanks Gaza!

So today was pretty flat. No real urges but was pretty busy and occupied with work most of the day. My wife got some bad news that really upset her and she called me crying. It really crushed me that I couldn't be there for her in person.

One thing I can say though is when problems with seeming no answers what arise in the past I don't think I was the man that she really needed me to be. With this particular issue my mind immediately started to try to think of solutions. I really liked that and recognize that that's not my common thought pattern or at least wasn't.

I never counted the days on any other attempts to break this addiction. But before I was educated on the topic I really thought I was just being self-destructive for some reason or lacked impulse control and that was my only problem. So every time my wife caught me in my mind and heart I would say this is it this is the last time! And would mean it every time. So what's the point in counting days on forever?

But I like counting the days it's one extra measurement of time that I get to walk further away from this disgusting family killing problem.

We made love again last night! That's two nights in a row. I'm sure I'm married to the most incredible woman ever on planet Earth. Afterwards she asked if I thought making love was affecting my reboot or slowing it down. I wasn't sure of the answer and wanted to respond truthfully.

Maybe I'll post in the Forum tomorrow with that question and see if I can get some answers from successful married rebooters.

Guess that's it for now

And FUCK PORN !

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 13, 2017, 06:59:30 PM »
Day 58!

This past weekend was overall pretty awesome! My wife and I went to the shooting range on Saturday and then two a 3 gun competition Sunday.

I was putting up some of the best times of the day and just felt really great going in to each stage. I really just felt so clear-headed which helps a lot as you have a lot going on with each stage engaging targets with the correct weapon, making sure you don't shoot yourself or anyone else, and not breaking any of the countless rules.

And what's even best as I feel like my wife and I have really been connecting it was over 50 days since the last time we made love.

Well last night the dry spell was broken!

It was so wonderful to hold her and feel her body. I definitely was feeling anxious about how my little guy would perform. But he rose to the occasion if you get my meaning. I still think there's more rewiring to be done but it's very encouraging to see and feel that arousal without touching it at all.

Afterwards my wife confided in me that she was worried about me slipping up. Maybe the Chaser effect? She didn't go into details. But I can say that this morning leaving for work I did have the urge not to look at p necessarily but definitely 2 m and get that release.

I really feel like the education I've received here is at least helping me win half the battle. When you know the traps that might be waiting for you, and being honest about triggers and actively trying to identify them.

I got the mail this afternoon and there was a Spanx magazine in there. As soon as I saw what it was I covered it up with other mail and brought everything in for my wife. I was unloading groceries and noticed after the second trip the magazine was gone. She didn't mention it so I brought it up I at least wanted her to hear from me that I didn't open that magazine or look at a single picture.

I decided once I started this journal that my goal was to not do anything that I would have a hard time coming back and telling my wife in the afternoon. I'm so happy I didn't look in that magazine. My incredible wife was so happy to see me when I walk to the door and I got a hug and kiss and it felt amazing to know that even if she did ask I could look her in the eye and with absolutely no guilt answer with the truth.

Anyhow I've been working on this journal entry throughout the day obviously I'm home now. So I'm calling it a night I'm going to go spend some time with my amazing family that I'm so grateful to be a part of.

Oh yeah and  FUCK PORN

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: HAPPYSAD on another CRUSADE
« on: November 10, 2017, 02:41:28 PM »
NICE!

I just wanted to let you know that your story is very encouraging to me. I've been running HARD MODE for 55 days now.  I discovered the group around day 30 but just lurked before finally joining on day 51.

I'm sorry you've had to start over with your reboot but that is actually the encouraging part for me because I know that I can't ever let my guard down no matter how long I stay clean.

Just pay attention to your triggers and be hard on yourself bro. I've been married for over 12 years now so I'm afraid I'm not too much help on how to get yourself a lady.

All I know is if you keep up with no fapping no pmo, you will build a confidence needed to find that right woman. Just make sure you're always yourself it'stoo hard to pretend to be something you're not for too long in a relationship, and will end up hurting both of you.

Don't give up the fight bro

And F*** porn!

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 10, 2017, 11:53:39 AM »
Day 55!

What a difference a few hours can make on your outlook! I'm feeling super energized super clear-headed and just ready to tackle the day!

I find myself spending much more time in silence as I drive to different appointments throughout my day. I like utilizing this time to reflect on how I ended up where I am and what I can do moving forward to improve my and my family's life.

I think I know what put me in such a funk yesterday. The evening before me and my wife we're sitting on the couch talking and it just came up that I was going to have a birthday soon, 40 years old! I wonder if that means I'm going to have to move my journal to the old people age group? Haha. But I started thinking to myself I'm almost 40 and look at how bad I f*** things up. You're such a loser. Things along that line

And this morning as I laid in bed waiting for my alarm to go off gently touching the line of my wife's jaw I thought to myself if I can't forgive myself then the way I beat myself up over past mistakes is going to kill me weather I finally just decided to end it or I spiral down, relapse and lose everything I love.

So today I've decided that I want to be happy! I know that my brain is still fixing itself and there's probably some hard or depressing days in the future, those times when your actions in the past clearly affect things in the present. And you end up hating yourself for the visible pain you can see your loved ones in. But at least I have today and it makes me appreciate the feeling of happiness that much more.

 yesterday when I got home my wife gave me a hug and then as she let me go asked      what's wrong and then paused and then said what did you do? Which was pretty much the normal question I'd get when I was up to things and trying to hide it from her. The difference is that this time I was telling the truth when I assured her or at least try to that I had not PMOed or fapped.

But the panic I felt inside myself was exactly the same when I was up to something. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me. I tried my hardest to make sure she knew that I did not slip up or relapse but I'm not sure if she does in fact believe me.

I Can Only Imagine what her heart must feel as I leave for work every morning or if I miss a call from her during the day. It must send a very similar cold Spike of fear and anxiety into her chest.

I think her days are tougher than she lets on but she's such an amazing woman that she doesn't want to affect my recovery as she sees clearly that I'm struggling struggling emotionally to cope most days.

Anyhow all I can do is keep going and keep telling the truth. I'm going to try to start working out.  that used to be a big part of my life and like many other things drifted away.

Sorry to anyone reading this I have to drive a lot so I use voice to text I'm sure there's plenty of run-on sentences and incorrect versions of Words. So again if you made it here thanks

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of the end. My journal
« on: November 10, 2017, 10:58:50 AM »
Day 55!

What a difference a few hours can make on your outlook! I'm feeling super energized super clear-headed and just ready to tackle the day!

I find myself spending much more time in silence as I drive to different appointments throughout my day. I like utilizing this time to reflect on how I ended up where I am and what I can do moving forward to improve my and my family's life.

I think I know what put me in such a funk yesterday. The evening before me and my wife we're sitting on the couch talking and it just came up that I was going to have a birthday soon, 40 years old! I wonder if that means I'm going to have to move my journal to the old people age group? Haha. But I started thinking to myself I'm almost 40 and look at how bad I f*** things up. You're such a loser. Things along that line

And this morning as I laid in bed waiting for my alarm to go off gently touching the line of my wife's jaw I thought to myself if I can't forgive myself then the way I beat myself up over past mistakes is going to kill me weather I finally just decided to end it or I spiral down, relapse and lose everything I love.

So today I've decided that I want to be happy! I know that my brain is still fixing itself and there's probably some hard or depressing days in the future, those times when your actions in the past clearly affect things in the present. And you end up hating yourself for the visible pain you can see your loved ones in. But at least I have today and it makes me appreciate the feeling of happiness that much more.

 yesterday when I got home my wife gave me a hug and then as she let me go asked      what's wrong and then paused and then said what did you do? Which was pretty much the normal question I'd get when I was up to things and trying to hide it from her. The difference is that this time I was telling the truth when I assured her or at least try to that I had not PMOed or fapped.

But the panic I felt inside myself was exactly the same when I was up to something. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me. I tried my hardest to make sure she knew that I did not slip up or relapse but I'm not sure if she does in fact believe me.

I Can Only Imagine what her heart must feel as I leave for work every morning or if I miss a call from her during the day. It must send a very similar cold Spike of fear and anxiety into her chest.

I think her days are tougher than she lets on but she's such an amazing woman that she doesn't want to affect my recovery as she sees clearly that I'm struggling struggling emotionally to cope most days.

Anyhow all I can do is keep going and keep telling the truth. I'm going to try to start working out.  that used to be a big part of my life and like many other things drifted away.

Sorry to anyone reading this I have to drive a lot so I use voice to text I'm sure there's plenty of run-on sentences and incorrect versions of Words. So again if you made it here thanks

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