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Messages - Totem

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Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: August 01, 2017, 06:14:38 PM »
Day 24

Thank you for support, man. Really appreciate it.
About half an hour ago I almost slipped. The headache is back.
I need to avoid imageboards at all cost and have better day schedule, especially for the evenings.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: July 29, 2017, 06:05:10 PM »
Thanks heymanniceshot. Right in time.

I'm after serious craving tantrum. HOLY FUCKING HELL. I'm still shaking and have massive headache. I was strong and didn't do IT. But man, that was close one.
For the first time in adult life I was praing to Jesus for help. I don't know if I could survive this without him.
Probably won't sleep tonight.

Day 20

Ages 30-39 / Re: Why is this so difficult?
« on: July 26, 2017, 02:05:40 PM »
Survive it.
If you are really, really bad try and take some strong painkillers. But be carefull, don't overdose, and don't take them like vitamines - couple days in a row. They can really mess with you concentration and perception.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Back on the wagon
« on: July 26, 2017, 02:00:55 PM »
Keep on man!

About overthinking there's couple of techniques that you can try:
- meditation
- intense excercise

Also try not to go to bed unless you are exhausted mentally (from day activites) or really sleepy.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Time to get my act together
« on: July 26, 2017, 01:57:56 PM »
Two days have passed and I havent really done anything useful. There's been a lot of procrastinating and a lot of thinking 'why am I doing this?', 'why is it so bad to enjoy myself for a while?'.

Yeah. Don't beat yourself about it. It is due to the desensitization/sensitization and hypofrontality. Read about it here, or on YBOP.
It will pass with time. You can put a little effort in healthy eating, meditating, excersising and spending time with people or in nature. It helps a lot.
Over time your ability to concentrate, and to feel satisfied from your normal activites will be back.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Intro and Hello - Heymanniceshot
« on: July 26, 2017, 01:53:05 PM »
Keep it going man and stay clean.

I too started to use high speed stuff in my early 20s and I have light form of PIED and problems with condoms too.
It's more common than we think.
If you can - go hard mode, find a lot of things to do, forget about porn and forget about thinking of porn. Thats the key.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: July 26, 2017, 01:38:56 PM »
Day 17

Still clean.
Entered the flatline couple of days ago. And I've came with strange, but accurate description for it. It's like walking on thin ice. Underneath there's Ocean of Despair. If we are careless, or we stare at things below, or the ice is to thin than we fall and relapse.
I cannot see the other side. There's fog everywhere. But I see a lot of other people here with me. So I guess I'm going in the right direction.

Every couple night I have sexdream. Couple of last ones were with 'real' women from my life. Sex dreams that involved fetishes are gone for now, but I know that this is VERY dangerous topic for me. Last relapse happened because of them, and very very deeply I feel strong craving for it. My head just started to hurt when I write about it.

Morning woods are very common. In real life there are glimpses of libido, but I don't treat them as signs of full recovery. I know there are things in my brain that needs long time to be sorted out.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: July 22, 2017, 07:24:55 AM »
Day 13

Through last days I experienced some mild headaches mostly due to sporadic triggers. Nothing serious really.

From next month I plan to start going to a gym. It will keep me away from facebook and give me oportunity to reconnect with other people.

Good luck for y'all!

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: July 17, 2017, 07:55:25 PM »
I'm back. Day 8.

I relapsed couple times in the meantime. About 27.06 was the first time (MO only), than I had hard time both 3 and 4.07. Last time I relapsed was 8 days ago (again MO only).

I learned a lot about my triggers, where they hiding, and how they start the cravings. What surprised me that this is not instantaneous. Between trigger and strong craving there's some distinctive time delay.
Also, I made interesting observation - right now, exposure to even soft trigger starts immediately strong (but very strange in form) headache. Which to be honest is good - I have independent from willpower signal that I want to abandon thing that I'm watching. Never thought that I would enjoy a headache.

Beside that, I had a lot to do during last 2 weeks, and I will have during solid month in the future or even two. Currently I feel a lot better - mainly due to that I started to enjoy my regular activities a little bit more than usual.


Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 24, 2017, 07:17:29 AM »
Day 13 - no P
Day 1 - no MO

Past 2 days were hard for me. I was in delegation and saw plenty of beautiful girls. At one moment I had 40% boner just from looking at one waitress at restaurant - which is nice. Also today I had 95% morning wood.

But not everything went so well. I relapsed today. Didn't go back to PMO thou, and during MO didn't fantasize at all. I was focused only on physical stimuli. It was very strange. Didn't feel that way in a long time - it was like going back to a long forgotten place.
Anyway - I guess that brain changes are still taking place. From waking up till now I have this strange headaches again. Also I follow @Achiever@32 advice and keep fantasies at bay all the time.

Considering this I decided to divide counter to 2 parts. I don't want to go back to PMO and I will do everything I can to achieve it - first counter will motivate me to maintain this state. Second part - MO - I want to decrease to absolute necessary minimum, so I will keep tracking this either.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 21, 2017, 11:52:31 AM »
Day 10

In social interactions my dick is dead. Today, when I came back to my apartment the horniness and lonliness kicked back in.
Feeling pretty miserable right now. I don't know to what degree this is because of deregulated dopamine circut or because of not having a women for a looooong time. This is killing all my creativity, productivity and motivation. I want to change it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 19, 2017, 03:59:17 PM »
Thanks bro  :)

Day 8

Pretty decent day. No headache, no craving, regular mood - but also absolutely no libido whatsoever. Had those times not once, not twice, so this is not a surprise for me. The goal is to go through this period without going back to PMO at the first sign of recovering libido.

Strong & clean.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 18, 2017, 11:13:15 AM »
Day 7

Headaches are getting stronger. Feel like my IQ is 80, can't concentrate on any advance task. Emotionally - things are at the same level, but I'm holding up.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Detox
« on: June 17, 2017, 05:43:44 PM »
There was a time when I pursued long lasting happiness. I failed no because I was weak or inadequate, or I wasn't praying or meditating enough. I failed because on this planet, and in this life - that is simply not an option.

Right now, even I'm scared sometimes as fuck and I know I will fall many times - I do everything I can to become tough and brave, to pick up my burden and bare it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I give up
« on: June 17, 2017, 05:23:04 PM »
@malando - don't get me wrong, but antidepressants as far as I know, should be prescribed mostly in cases when you have no particular reason to be depressed yet you are. Situation when someone have poor sex life, anxiety, addiction and is depressed by it - is probably more complicated and should be treated as such. If the problem is deeper and antidepressants would work properly you risk to become addicted to them, because in every case when you put them aside original problem reappear again.

@martin - your problem could be far more complicated than addiction itself and could reside probably in your psyche. I know it may sound harsh, but did you ever considered individual psychotherapy?

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 17, 2017, 07:29:42 AM »
Day 6

Had some fucked-up sex dreams last night, and the night before. My brain doesn't know what the hell is going on. I still have mild headaches and started to have concentration problems, so I guess this is brainfog state.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting today, day 0
« on: June 17, 2017, 07:02:49 AM »
Don't force yourself to O. It's way better to not O at all, than O to P fantasies.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 16, 2017, 10:21:27 AM »
Yeah. My headaches are not severe too. They come and go.

The craving for P is slowly building up. I can feel it. I'm staying strong thou.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Back on the wagon
« on: June 16, 2017, 10:14:42 AM »
Boredom is in some part effect of overstimulated dopamine circut.
Try meditation - 15 minute session once-twice a day.

Beside that - try writing your goals, than sort them by priority, pick small one, plan how to do it and execute.
Start small - it will be way faster.

I battle with myself all the time about huge goals and often fail or need to let it go. Huge things are hard as hell.

Teens / Re: Regrets in life
« on: June 16, 2017, 06:56:46 AM »
Even if the top of your pyramid is flat and lack the pinnacle, is still some kind of top. That can mean, that you have couple of equal values. In mythology that state is often called 'battle of the gods'.
In neurobiology therms that mean that you, in the state of absence of unified higher value, can have conflict between primary biological systems like anxiety system, exploratory system, reproduction system, hunger, and so on.

Habit of making goals and pursuing them can help you understand and structure those systems in different manner that pure words. It will become your experience.

And reproduction system with sex drive will become integral part of that structure, not the top.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 15, 2017, 09:48:51 AM »
Day 4

Yesterday I had some strange headaches. Felt like the pain centres moved through my head. I think this is because I entered reboot voluntarily instead automatically concentrate on something else like usual in this flatline-like periods, and the brain started to notice this.

I'm hypersensitive about both mental and physiological symptoms. My dick is hypersensitive too, but that's normal due to little hangover. Had couple of beers with friends last night, and dopamine level is pretty low right now.

But I succesfully resisted staring on some babe photos that I accidentally encounter in the web. Scrolled them or closed them immediatelly.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Control
« on: June 14, 2017, 09:49:38 AM »
In the matter of socialising there's one particular thing to know. Men are more interested in things/objects/ideas and women are more interested in other people. So this is a good base to start with. If you want to meet some guys/potential buddys than having knowledge about typical male things will be more than helpfull, plus you can talk with them about girls. With women socialising is completly different - the best way to do it is to talk about what you/her like or not, who is who and with whom, etc... It's way more dynamic than men-men conversation which in some cases (like between long time friends) can go like quick exchange of grunts and 15 minutes of silence. And of course women are more prone to touch each other or you in conversation, so giving them positive feedback (without sexual connotation) will make you two more close to each other - and if other women sees it she will be more prone to touch you either. And it's fun.

Also if you practise this for some time, you'll start noticing how affection from women towards you looks in action. For example - body language of girls that would give you a chance of close relationship towards you should slow down (longer touch, shorter interval between touches), they will try maintain longer eye contact with you or will stare at you with wide open eyes and subtle smile or if the girl is shy she will instantly turn her eyes if she notice that you noticed her staring. Those are signs of chance not certainty.

Teens / Re: Regrets in life
« on: June 14, 2017, 06:36:14 AM »
You may not have depression (as a disease) at all. You may have destroyed emotional, sexual and social life. And that is really, serious reason to feel bad, man.

I have a question for you. What is that you value most in life?
If your answer is porn, than even thinking about losing it will cause serious pain. Losing it for real - even worse. This is corelated both with neurobiological base of addiction, and your emotional nature as a human being.
What you value the most become the thing that influence all other things in your life. It's like the top of the pyramid. You construct all the lower levels of your life to support the top. If the top is pathological - all of your lesser values, and personal virtues are becoming non-existent, or corrupt as well. For what I know, and experience - the best solution to this, is to put at the top something eternal, uncorruptable, nonmaterial and ideal - like God. Only then you can structure all your major and minor life goals on the path to this ideal. It doesn't matter that you will never achieve it. It doesn't matter how, and what you call it. What you act is far more important than how you describe your actions. Action is primary to all description, and this is the real thing that shape your life.

Good way to discipline yourself is to make some goals (even small ones), breake them into smaller routine actions, and do the whole thing in baby steps without forcing yourself beyond your current psychophysiologicall capability.
I'm talking about life goals beside quitting porn in a way that other goal can distract you from addiction. Make a plan and start small.
If you have trouble with social interactions, than you can for example repost to someone else's thread here on forum once a day. Even if you do it badly without any social skill whatsoever. After that you can reward yourself in some manner (snack, 30min of videogame, buy small gift to yourself) - that will reinforce good habbit.

If you are interested in art in general, than I strongly reccomend Joseph Campbell "The Hero with a Thousand Faces". This is basically C.G.Jung written in an easy manner. Or if you are interested particular in poetry - the book called "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 11 weeks and counting...
« on: June 14, 2017, 04:26:10 AM »
Straightening your emotions - by retrospection, or another form of autotherapy may be a thing for you during flatline if you don't want or can't go to therapist. There's a lot of books, podcasts, videos about subconciousness, emotions, and man-women social dynamics. This may fill the gap between solid knowledge of neurobiology of addiction and the observable outcome from your addiction experience. I work with this psychological stuff on myself for almost 4 years in a row, and the progress is worth every tear or sweat drop.
Althou I don't want to speak for anyone in a flatline - what the hell do I know? I'm only 3 days in.

If you feel bad about kissing your girl and not feeling any response from your body, than you may try to bring that emotion on the surface of your concious experience instead burying this inside yourself. In simple words - cry. That can bring such a relief you cannot imagine. The trick is to give yourself permission to do it - if you do it honestly you will not feel any shame. And don't cry in front of your girl. That can make things very hard for her.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I'm a simple man - I see trigger, I close tab.
« on: June 14, 2017, 04:10:20 AM »
Thanks for reply.

About thoughts. I had some porn-flashbacks yesterday before going sleep. I didn't pay attention and concentrated on my plans and goals instead.
In a case of fantasies - I really don't have that habbit as much maybe because I'm more visual than scenario-oriented in a matter of sex, but I noticed that in craving moments instead of straight path to PMO and seeking visual pleasure i rather think about sex that I had with my ex. And I don't mean intercourse itself - more the foreplay, the touch itself, the smell, her giggling and the emotions involved. And what is interesting - I started to do it as a psychotherapy outcome, way before I encounter this community. Anyway - I don't fantasize very often, maybe once in a 1-2 days and right now I cut it very quick at the beginning.
Also - i work with a lot of young people, particulary girls, so I have a lot of oportunity to focus on real deal. Fantasy can't compete with that.

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