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Messages - Rengaw

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: July 23, 2019, 09:22:41 AM »
As I mentioned in my post of May 7th, there has been a few surprises. Last night I had a drink, unknowingly. I thought I poured myself a nice cold cola - and it turned out to be mixed with rum. After one big chug I stopped drinking and I poured everything down the drain, and I did not feel an urge to drink.
Two days ago I was watching a movie and I had a very (un) pleasant surprise. One of my favorite adult entertainment models was playing in a movie and she did what she's good at. I got aroused for a minute or two but very swiftly the arousal faded and I watched the movie 'till the end. I did not get triggered, I did not act out.

My therapy has intensified and I have realised I have developed a somatic coping mechanism. This means that when I experience 'mental ' stress I will endure physical symptoms. Similar to a child having belly aches when (s)he experiences something the is perceived bad.  This is a huge eye opener as I now see where my stress is coming from. I had no clue  why I was feeling the sensations in my body.

As for the job hunt - I have a simple job that for now is okay, it pays the bills and the debts. It allows me to connect with myself and also with other human beings. Right now, I sense that being bound to a laptop or telephone for so often and so long really got me. It has altered my brain and some intestines. It's the brain changes Gary Wilson talks and writes about. Now, I am resensitising and it's weird, interesting and even haunting sometimes. Also it gives me energy at random moments, or sometimes drains me vigorously.

What matters the coming weeks is finalising a game plan/ life plan/ vision/ treatment plan and keeping my job. These are the essentials I want to achieve. Other areas in life, such as health and socialising are very much okay.

Porn Addiction / Re: Mental Hospital
« on: July 23, 2019, 08:51:11 AM »
Ha! By searching my name, I noticed I was called out. Yes - I have been to rehab twice. Actually I am still seeing a therapist. The cliche image of getting a 4 week isolated rehab intervention is false. Nowadays, rehab is mostly ambulatory as it is cheaper and has similar results.
I have a post-addiction ADD and Asperger diagnosis which are probably the result of a history of addiction. As for your bipolar diagnosis, this is something that needs to be taken into consideration while being in rehab. Although you might need to take meds, I actucally got addicted to ritalin and it affected me in such a way I ended up in a porn addiction. Drugs are bad, mkay?

Alas, might you have more questions I am eager to help.

Be well!

Ages 20-29 / Re: My PMO-free journal
« on: May 16, 2019, 05:24:16 AM »
Hi brick,

You seem to be going through many emotions and it seems to be challenging. And you seem to be able to deal with them the right way. Excellent!
Hang in there and keep your head up.


Ages 20-29 / Re: My PMO-free journal
« on: May 06, 2019, 12:59:27 PM »
Brick you seem to be doing pretty well for a rebooter. I don't see any relapses or small slips, and you're  combing back every time. Same time, same place. Routine. That's a good way to start growing out of your addiction and into your new life.

Hang in there!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: May 06, 2019, 12:54:52 PM »
Post from April 24th

It's been a while, and things have been getting better - tho not easy.
I've gotten unemployed and it's annoying to be focusing on finding the right job - I want to progress, and having no job means a stand -still. It causes me a deal of stress, that already got me looking for porn.

So, getting a job is essential again - but combatting the stress is necessary too. Sleep is vital.
I have found an article a few months ago, that now I have found time to focus on.

The article covers the turbo- sleep method, which has elements that relate to the PIT- sleep routine. This might ring a bell because the PIT- sleep routine has been discussed many times on these forums.

The turbo sleep method is the following:
1. Relax any muscle in your face: starting from your eyes, to your cheeks, tongue and finally your jaw.
2. Have your shoulders rest as low as possible. Make sure to ease your muscles from your upper arm to your lower arm on the right side. Repeat on the left side, massaging, stretching your arms.
3.Relax your chest. Breath in and out, 15 times.
4. Relax your legs. Start from thighs and move downward to your feet and toes.
5.Visualise your perfect place to sleep. And there's a soothing scenarios to think of. First, you're laying in a canoe , on a flat water surface - there's a blue sky and not a single cloud to be seen.
Second, you're in a velvet hammock in a pitch black environment and there's not single sound to be heard.
Finally, say to yourself - in your head - 'I am not thinking, I am not thinking' and keep track of your breathing just you did at step 3.

I just wanted to share these insights with you, this is a step of T - trigger.
I am going to make it part of my routine and I hope you benefit as well.

Need to add I am still in a struggle for porn and I watched some last night. Same mistake I made last time - have my phone with me in bed.
So that's 4 days that have been going up and down and down and up with porn, cravings, 'the itch' and what not.

Now, I have realised I need to set up a plan again for the coming weeks to prevent another relapse from happening. Look back at the elements that are involved - and all those elements are on this topic actually.




Today :

Well shucks,  I haven't taken the action as I stated in the previous post. Right now I am feeling really low and lethargic. I'm having a hard time setting goals and getting them.

I just saw a model I used to fap to by accident on my laptop and my brain is completly dysfunctional. My body is tensed and my muscles spasm. Huge withdrawals and it's a drag, it truly is. I am very uncomfortable with myself now. 

The cause lies somewhere in not taking the right actions and ultimately relapsing. The relapse was PMOing, Friday night and last night I had a WD - huge set back all together, yet I feel better than I did several months ago.
I think this is due to my second treatment at a rehab facility. Genuinely beneficial feedback has made me open my eyes again, not just about my porn addiction but addiction in general. I drink too much alcohol for my body - I feel mentally weak after drinking, it's weird.

I stopped drinking alcohol again, with use of the book Stop Drinking Now, by Allen Carr. He has various surprising  insights on how alcohol works and the way society looks at alcohol. 
I've stopped drinking alcohol various times and at this moment the book gives me the courage to go further than I've gone before.
Moreover the book looks at addiction in other ways than other organisations and this helps me with battling porn addiction too.
Besides porn and alcohol I see browsing the internet has been a problem too, leaving me distracted and indifferent.

I feel the need to dive into my previous posts to find the tools to battle relapse and to have a daily structure. This reboot & rehab routine should enable me to find a job soon and with confidence.

The morning routine consists of first off- making the bed, reading morning auto-suggestions, repeat the wish and action list, shower with a cold finish, get dressed and ready and do one chore before having breakfast.
After breakfast I allow myself to have a bit of contact on WhatsApp and Messenger - then devices will be muted for quite some time. Focus requires no distraction whatsoever.

For now, reading up on myself and getting that routine is very important. And keeping up the job hunt...

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: March 19, 2019, 04:17:44 PM »
I actually picked up the work out routine again. The routine is easy, takes about 25 minutes to do - but it is a full body work out. Did it Saturday, did yesterday and will do it tomorrow again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: March 15, 2019, 06:06:28 AM »
Things have been going okay the last few days: -  I dropped all of my medications. I am not using my pills to come through the day or go to sleep at night. I am happy.
The weird thing is I haven't had a wet dream in ages, while 'normally' I would have one very 10-13 nights. My T-levels come to a high in this cycle and I keep track of it. But since about 2 or 3 months I have been WD free. Still, I dream of sex... with women I have met.

Right now, while typing I noticed an epiphany; the thoughts and dreams I have are about women I have slept with and not so much the porn I viewed.  Still, now and then a flash of porn but it is fading because I have not been watching porn for a long time. Or at least - to my standards, and particularly the quantity has plummeted: I have watched porn on 2 days in 6 weeks.
Within a week I will be porn free for a month.

I am truly grateful for the reward I can reap: I am much more clear minded, my physique has improved and my will to achieve is getting higher and higher. Ordinary things; keeping my place tidy, cooking and eating well, getting a good rest at night etc., have gotten easier to do. There is still room for improvement and and I am exploring every square inch to grow.
I have reacquired the zest for life.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: March 14, 2019, 03:16:17 PM »
Meditating is an extremely powerful and easy tool to cripple stress and negativity. I used to do it between.... somewhere end 2016/beginning 2017 until February/March 2018. I used to do it daily - it was magnificent. What helps even more is combining it with physical exercise - such as fitness and running. In the morning I would start the day with some at home fitness such as push ups, sit ups and squats) and in the evening I would meditate.

I felt really, really strong. I helped me to get rid of urges and decrease thinking about sex. Hm. Might pick it up again.

Take care.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Changing my lifestyle & environment
« on: March 09, 2019, 08:23:22 AM »
Thanks on your update Reborn16. I actually see some similarities that I experience.

- being remote of your own principles: being mindlessly online, eating junk food before going to bed
- procrastinating from goals: not taking care of my room, half ass-ing chores

Imma gonna keep an eye on these bad habits and make them fade away.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: March 09, 2019, 08:09:34 AM »
Well, I have actually been moving to a new era. I haven't been looking at porn for 2 weeks now, but the best improvement is not having PMO'ed in - 8 weeks(okay, minus 1 day).
It's been with ups and downs but in general the trend is upward. I have more energy, a bit of libido here and there but strange enough no cravings or urges- which is liberating.
I have stopped taking my muscle relaxant medication and have managed to get better sleep overall; so I am focusing to stop using my sleeping medication any time soon.
What contributes to this feeling of well-being

Reason for me being able to use the meds is that I have picked up callisthenics again; I have done several workouts last week - this week I've fallen ill and I wasn't fit to work out. I've been cycling a lot tho, making sure I don't become too sedentary. I think the mindset of physical activity is also why I was able to drop meds. Still- my work out routine is nothing compared to how it was in 2017 - but I am getting somewhere.  I feel better in general, but sometimes the cravings still emerge.

The cravings I have are more focused on masturbation than on watching porn and I have the weird habit to undress myself during sleep. I can't really understand why, but I think it's my cultivated desire to masturbate. I need to make some rearrangements on my sleeping because keeping the situation as it is, will make make me more vulnerable for a relapse.

Also, I have sent a text message to a young woman I secretly have had a crush on. We met through Tinder and I was silent for about 10 months (1!) I sent here a random Hi! and we have been texting for about a week now. She used to live in my street but now I live a different country.  Still - digital communication has been doing a marvellous job. It is weird yet extremely gratifying to feel able to text her and make things click.

As for other areas in my life; mostly my living conditions could improve; my sleeping room is a big fucking mess and I have been unemployed or about 4 months. I am on welfare and that has ended already.  These are the 2 areas I need to focus on.

Adding a note - my own reply-  I picked up from Reborn16s topic:

Thanks on your update Reborn16. I actually see some similarities that I experience.

- being remote of your own principles: being mindlessly online, eating junk food before going to bed
- procrastinating from goals: not taking care of my room, half ass-ing chores

Imma gonna keep an eye on these bad habits and make them fade away.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: February 14, 2019, 04:18:46 AM »
TLDR So thinks have been going okay - I have had sex a few times and that was good, as well as having a new woman in my life. She is a former colleague.  But a month ago I was truly depressed and my life was not fulfilling in any way and I did not have something to look out for. But that was the PAWS - post acute withdrawal (symptoms). The immediate effect of stopping porn/masturbation/orgasming.

January I was a true mess - because I had a binge on drugs in the end of December and a very frustrating talk with my family about my situation the first week of January. They are so shallow and thinking inside boxes; and I don't have the energy to explain what is going on in my body and brain. Most of these negative feelings stemmed the PAWS.  This gradually lessened and I met up with the woman I already mentioned; we met the last weekend of January and last weekend we met up again. Great connection, great sex. Feeling loved - both ways - yet I am not in love.

The PAWS have significantly lessened and I feel brighter and fitter. I even did a work out last week, which I haven't done in I think half a year.  My muscles are still soar, and as you know - no pain, no gain!

She has been great for rewiring and so have I been to her; we both have our issues and we support each other. It's a win-win situation, but I think she has more feelings for me than I have for her. We have decided to meet up a few more times and we'll see what happens. We are good to each other and that is something we both get positive energy from. And the sex is just amazing. We have so much fun, confidence and love together - it's  a long lasting memory already, while we have met up just twice.

As for me right now - I have been unemployed for months and now I feel strong enough to find a part time job.  Working full time - which I did in October - is still too much; I don't have the natural energy to be productive for 40 hours.
I am on social benefits right now, but I have received my final check and I need to find a suitable job. There's plenty of work to be done that meets my interests and skills. I am not afraid any more and I am regaining my confidence.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: February 10, 2019, 03:02:36 PM »
Hi Doublefapastronaut,

sorry to hear you are still struggling with the wet dreams. I can recall diet is a big factor when it comes to libido and wet dreams. Spicy food and alcohol increase the likelihood to have a wet dream.
I am not sure what kind of diet you enjoy but maybe it is something to look after.

Moreover, if this continues - have you considered checking a doctor?

Take care!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: January 15, 2019, 08:45:44 AM »
Sorry to hear you keep getting these darn wet dreams. Keep going, one day it will lessen. As for meditation - it is a great way to shift from nocturnal orgasms as a way to release dopamine. Working out or sports is also a way to get the dopamine flowing, if you're not certain about meditation.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Changing my lifestyle & environment
« on: January 09, 2019, 08:15:06 AM »
Hey man,

You have the right mindset to conquer this habit!  You're right about your PC and telephone being mere tools and the gym a place to work on yourself.
Focus on getting stronger and getting the great endorphin rush from the gym. After a while you will gain confidence and you will talk to strangers. You just wait for it to happen, you'll be impressed by what you can do!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: January 09, 2019, 08:06:38 AM »
Yikes the cravings hit me hard. It is a inner battle that I nearly lost. Right now it is all about focusing on my treatment plan. That is what keeps me going.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: January 09, 2019, 07:47:32 AM »
What K - Dot mentioned is also very true. Always sleep on your back and have your hands outside.
Take care!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Moving on to a new era
« on: January 08, 2019, 10:49:07 AM »
Moving in from YBR

I have been on YourBrainRebalanced for about 4.5 years yet those forums seem to be desolate. I need an active community to release myself from this addiction. I hope you gentle(wo)men can help me. I'm lost on how to deal with porn cravings, so reinventing my game plan. If you have any suggestions on cravings:please share your insights!

As for now I will copy my previous first posts and I will make a link to these topics.

My initial personal topic on YBR

I started this journal June 23rd 2014, and I also have a written journal that dates back from April 2014. Both of these journals tell me I suffered a lot from my PMO addiction; social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD...

An ordinary day would consist of porn for an hour or 2 to 3, beating myself up because of the porn, accept the 'failure' and fight for some days to relapse and indulge myself in the vicious circle I couldn't win. I would crawl back behind my pc/laptop/tablet and waste away the hours, 2,3, 4... Nothing unordinary. Record of about 13 to 14 hours, high on booze and various medications.

Currently, I have thoughts floating about of girls, my favorite girls. Bodies in certain positions, acting in ways a girl would never do to me. 'Special', I would think a few years ago but now I see it's ill, de-humanizing and just... I've no words for that porn.
But: I can keep off urges, I just ignore them. I just leave them and instead focus on someting positive ; i.e. writing this journal post. I've learned not to give energy to something negative; I turn off the t.v. when nothing is on, I stop talking to people when they have nothing important to say. My family thinks it is annoying that I suddently ignore them, but I think it is a compliment for my progression.

I - sort of - have a girlfriend, she is a gem and it's just amazing. She was prom queen last year, she's a singer-song writer and she just has the most amazing curves I've ever seen on a human being. And she's cleaver. She's smart as hell and she likes to correct me when I am wrong and really, that's what I like to do to other people.

I am still anxious about how the future will work out for me, things won't get harder - that's nearly impossible. However, I've found out I need to be cautious, I've come to realize I don't have unlimited energy, money and friends in my life. I've spent energy and money on the wrong things in life, I've lost some friends here and there and I accept it. For the future I will rationalize more about decisions that I need to take. I've become more thoughtfull and I've gained more wisdom over the last year, I feel more mature and at ease.

Getting back to the list of social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD.
I still suffer from a bit of depression from time to time, my self-esteem tends to rollercoaster and my finger picking and ADD non-exisstent.
My dishonesty is something I struggle with, in particular because my family hasn't got the slightest clue what an addiction is.

They believe I do suffer, but they don't see the infinite battle, me fighting the urges, cravings and battles against... what not.
All they care about is me graduating, which is fair and positive, but they don't see what's going on in my brain. Yes, I can tell you - my brain is improving. Physically. Sometimes, for just a second or 2, I feel as if old 'junk' brain tissue is dying and healthy tissue is growing.I get a weird, light head feeling and my eyes get twitchy. I really can't describe but last Friday I had another episode. I've had about 3 or 4.

I guess that is how re-sensitization feels like; the strong, addiction pathways are crumbling and those pathways thought to be normal, are slowly growing to normal.

Mind you, I've been frantically addicted for over a year (September 2013 - November 2014) and looking back I can say I already had some symptoms back in 2010/2011. Let's say I've been addicted for 3,5 years, what is a 90 day abstinence? A joke. Because, it is not about the 90 days, it is not about 120 or 150 days - it's about cracking your cocoon and liberating yourself from first, your addiction, secondly your fears and finally your challenges - to live a victorious life, with real women, genuine friends and be passionate about what you, and not repulsive about your daily habit.

I hope some enjoyed reading my text. I didn't really plan anyhing, I just got inspired by some other journal.

My second personal topic:

 Update December 3rd 2015: Adding information about Autosuggestion. Autosuggestion, influencing the subconcious with positive affirmations, is a method to gain more faith, positivity and self-esteem. He believes improving ones health starts in the mind and with a strong belief in a positive outcome. One of the areas is addiction.

For me it works great and I believe it will for others. The book bij Dr. Emile Coué is about 220 pages, but these free outtakes cover the essence.

At the core of his book is this philosophy: “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better”
Repeat this every morning and before going to sleep. It WILL help greatly!

As for now I am posting my last failed reaction to my YBR, I encountered errors when posting.
It is the following:

So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .

At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's  essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.

However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!

Right now I am solely focusing on getting myself back on track and formulating a new addiction treatment plan. Right now, this is difficult as aI feel week and lonely for starting over again. But I know I can do it, yet I need to be very vigilant on what I feel and experience, as I need to prevent a relapse. Relapsing is not a disaster but I have done countless relapses and now getting frustrated because of withdrawals is more important than getting frustrated by a relapse, haha!

I will later report on my new personal treatment plan.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Too many wet dreams
« on: January 08, 2019, 09:44:11 AM »
 :o That is indeed a lot of wet dreams. I have one every 10-12 days, it can be devastating.
I used to have one every week until I stopped wearing tight underwear. When I sleep I have loose pyjamas and no underwear.  The difference is a lot less wet dreams and a better recovery.

Porn Addiction / Re: YBR is back on line!
« on: April 09, 2017, 03:53:59 AM »
I noticed too, I'm glad I have my old journal back. RN thank you for having me, y'all have been good to me! Take care


Porn Addiction / Re: Does anyone know whats happening @ ybr?
« on: April 06, 2017, 06:48:15 AM »
I am glad you informed us a bit on the situation Billy B. The quest to revive YBR continues!
Keep rocking at the Centre... getting professional help results in a better grip on yourself and your situation. I could't have come this far without checking in at a rehab facility.

Hey Rengaw Buddy, glad to see you here.  I don't know what is up with ybop, do you?

I have no clue... There's a whole bunch of us trying to survive on these forums;). There's no information available of what happened to YBR. Bummer.

Take care!

A week down

Last week things have been normalising a lot, I've put a lot of focus on reading and understanding what rebooting is all about. I am going hard mode - no P,M, O and no sexual thoughts. I am feeling like crap. No energy throughout the day and low motivation to achieve much...but breathing and mindfulness seem to work well, that keeps me moving.

 I've taken up the art of affirmations (auto-suggestions) to keep myself focused and abstained from any PMO. My sleep is average and without sleeping pills I really don't sleep at all. Work has been okay.

Don't feel like sharing a lot, I really want to get better. I feel as if I have a hangover, except for the nauseating feeling: low motivation, no energy, general misery. Yuk. I really fucked myself over by PMOing so excessively in March( about 21 orgasms...). March has been the worst month in a few years and now April needs to suffer.

Hi H2O,

Welcome, good to see another familiar face here.
I like your gratitude list of your post!

Ages 20-29 / Moving on to a new era
« on: March 30, 2017, 05:08:58 AM »
Hi all,

I've been a porn addict for about 5 years now, shit hit the fan in 2013. Early 2014 I started my first serious reboot and I started writing on YBR in June,  but it wasn't until I checked in at a rehabilitation center in November 2015 I was able to get a positive momentum. I was depressed: suicidal thoughts and overall anxiety were part of an ordinary day.

From then onwards there has been much progression but I am still addicted. Got my drivers license 2 years ago exactly, got a job in May 2016 and graduated last December. Also, I have built in a solid work out routin: I run a lot and do many push ups/ squats/ sit ups. I ran half a marathon back in October.

I am very pleased with each achievement  but the addiction seems to linger on. Need to weed out the last part of the root. That's why I am here.

Take care

Porn Addiction / Re: Does anyone know whats happening @ ybr?
« on: March 30, 2017, 04:16:43 AM »
Hi   guys

Still no news on YBR I see. I have had a terrible March and now things seem to get better.
Hope you're doing better already Billy B. I have crazy thoughts,  that's how I call them, too. It's the addiction making you feel miserable and looking for a way to hit you when you're down.

What is a great eye opener is the Allen Carr Easyway to quit smoking method. He talks about a little monster, which is the same for P-addiction.  There's many good clips on YouTube.

Take care y'all.

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