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Messages - zander13

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1
Would be lying if I said the past couple months have been easy or enjoyable. But I need to stick with the game plan and always remember why I’m doing this. I’m fighting for a life that has the capability to be filled with joy. That’s all there is. I’m fighting for a worthwhile existence. Nothing else needs to be said.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 21, 2020, 02:14:07 PM »
Great job man, you’re setting a good example for others to follow.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Miserable due to porn addiction
« on: May 21, 2020, 02:13:25 PM »
Keep going man. Remember that this fight is the most important one.

4
Check this out. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/p-a-w-s-what-are-they-cure-duration.231859/

Go towards the end of the thread, though the whole thing is good, albeit long.


5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 21, 2020, 12:00:07 PM »
7 months today.

Felt like shit all of last night and all of today.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 20, 2020, 01:11:16 PM »
Just gotta keep rolling. Things are subtly improving. I’m getting closer everyday, though sometimes I don’t feel it. I need to remember why I’m doing this, always.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 18, 2020, 12:37:16 PM »
Had a bit of reprieve yesterday evening and have felt pretty decent this morning. The past couple days I was having legit urges to use porn, which was really fucking scary. We'll see if they come back. Hopefully, if they do, it won't be for a while.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 16, 2020, 06:29:44 PM »
It still hurts really fucking bad. The withdrawals have been fucking insane man, holy hell. They're taking me to the brink. The further I've gone along, the harder they've gotten.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 15, 2020, 07:54:45 PM »
Damn man this is tough. Doesn't feel like I'm improving sometimes.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 13, 2020, 03:33:27 PM »
It's been very rough lately. Fuckin' hell man. I hate this.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 09, 2020, 01:07:33 PM »
Another day another dollar. Not much else to say on my end. Still dealing with withdrawals. I need to stay patient and not set timelines or expect to be better by a certain date or after a certain amount of months. These next couple months are going to be trying as hell. But I need to remember to think about the math going on behind the scenes. What's a couple (or several, need to be realistic) months compared to the hopefully decent amount of good days I'll be enjoying from then on after. I CANNOT RUSH THIS PROCESS!!! I need to remember why I'm doing this, and the answer is "to save my own life". Fruitful living and porn addiction will never mesh together. They need to be separated, and one of them needs to get fucking vaporized forever.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 07, 2020, 08:24:01 PM »
Had sex today. I told my girl that we need to take a break from seeing each other because I'm too far along to jeopardize the recovery. She understood. Glad I finally made a concrete decision.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 07, 2020, 02:09:46 AM »
Hey Zander, sucks to hear that you're having a rough time. However, good times are coming. Trust and believe. Keep on fighting the good fight man. Rooting for you.

@anon  Thank you my friend. I wish you well on your new journey, you know that it's up to you to figure out what went wrong and how you need to fix it. I'm not here to give anyone advice, because the alchemist's formula for success lies in your own personal laboratory. Know one can create the concoction for you. I'm just here to support you, because you've done an excellent job of supporting me. All of you have. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.


Boys, It's 3am and I'm still not asleep. My brain isn't letting me go to bed. I'm afraid that the withdrawal symptoms have begun to aggravate my bipolar symptoms, and the topsy turviness of the withdrawal bar graph has triggered some sort of hypomania. This has happened to me before, but this time is a bit scarier. My last reboot was terrible because the withdrawals would keep me up to 5 in the morning on some occasions, and I'm fucking terrified of that cycle repeating.

Regardless, all I can do is roll with the punches and suffer as gracefully as I can. This is a messy process, but it's something that I can no longer avoid. The pain has to happen. I need to walk through that fiery tunnel. This is a battle for my life, so I need to conjure the strength of an angel.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 06, 2020, 09:45:55 AM »
Still haven't gotten a single true day off in about 50 days. Every day for the past ~2 months has been anywhere from tough to extremely, extremely difficult. I need a fucking break from these symptoms man.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 05, 2020, 12:43:09 PM »
Another day of shit

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 04, 2020, 04:27:52 PM »
Feeling terrible this afternoon. Definitely kindled this addiction into a bona fide monster.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 02, 2020, 10:40:10 AM »
This deserves a seperate post: I just finished meditating, and it was pretty damn nice. I want to start doing it daily again.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 02, 2020, 10:18:20 AM »
@anon and @Jeks: thanks for the advice and support. I wish the two of you all the best as well as you continue moving forward.

Today I woke up in a similar fashion as the previous couple of days, and yet I feel just a smidgen more motivated. I've already accomplished some things and taken care of the little details that life requires of us.

I understand people's points about using time effectively, but as Jeks fully understands, sometimes it's not about "getting shit done". Sometimes, for me, it's about survival. On some days (the past month and a half for me, really) all I can do is not relapse. So much energy get's expended trying not to do something that I don't feel much propulsion to move forward when it comes to life goals, chores, dreams. And I don't shame myself about that, because I fully believe that the motivation to succeed and build a family will naturally return as my brain heals. It's a slow, grating process, but it's an absolute requirement in my eyes. I've had days in the past where my mind was clear of the fog and my libido was close to healthy, and I remember those days being 200% easier when it came to working towards a brighter future.

I'm not perfect when it comes to spending my time, and I do need to push myself more, but the more important thing is for me to beat this addiction once and for all. That is my main goal as of now, and everything else has to take a backseat, because the worst thing I can do is start blaming external factors for why I feel shitty, when in reality, I feel shitty because my brain is faulty and little bit broken.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 01, 2020, 07:53:27 PM »
Dude, dont give up. I really know how it feels, when you feel like life is just a fight every single secound. Try to see, that there is hope. Yes, you have to take the right action, and yes it wont be easy with depressions hanging on you like weights, but there is hope. Mobilize to get to that place. I dont know all of your story, but i think working on curing your depression and getting rid of porn addiction might be on top of the list to get there. Maybe its also other stuff, but isolate on what things you have to work on for now and do everything you are capable of right now. Maybe that doesnt feel like much, but thats already enough to not get sucked in entirely by the swamp.
It seems like you have to stop having sex to beat this addiction, then work on doing so. You got rid of porn, you can also do it with sex. Make it clear in your mind, why this is necessary. It cant stay like this forever and you know that.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your situation and hope that can help. You are long enough in the process to know that you can take it or leave it and you know best whats right for you.
I wish you all the best man.

Everything you said is correct. I can't argue with any of it. It's just nice to have this kind of support at such a critical time in my life. Thank you very much for taking the time to help me out my friend, it means a lot.

As far as the sex is concerned, I don't know what to do. As much as I enjoy the quarantine when it comes to giving me time to play on an even field with my peers, I'm starting to abhor the closeness that it brings to me and my lady friend. It's almost like "well there's nothing else to do, we might as well fuck again". I still don't know if sex is as compulsive as the porn stuff is, because most guys want to fuck as much as they can regardless of any addictions. The sex doesn't feel dirty, but it doesn't feel immaculate either. It still blows my mind how able and ready I am erection wise--my ED is just about cured, and yet the mental symptoms still eviscerate my ability to function properly. Anhedonia is a common theme in my life--I just don't give a shit about most things. When I don't receive any kind of reward for the actions I'm performing, then it's extremely hard to find motivation to do them. Netflix can barely hold my attention, and I usually end up deferring to playing Call of Duty while I listen to comedy radio.

The worst part about this addiction, to me, is the inability to enter any given moment. This hellish nightmare robs me of my ability to step into the now and just enjoy life as it is. That's what i want back most of all--total life immersion. I want to sink into time, and to just plain old look forward to things. I wanna have some fuckin' fun man. that's it.

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Miserable due to porn addiction
« on: May 01, 2020, 04:09:56 PM »
Thank you for your kind words my friend. Glad to hear that you had a nice day. I'm rooting for you, and glad that you are taking this seriously.

21
Hey man, thank you for oyur kind words. I think it goes without saying that your commitment to this journey is inspiring a lot of folks on a regular basis.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 01, 2020, 02:55:08 PM »
This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society.

I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

I feel exactly the same way.

Thats also the reason, why i have got so much respect for you. I dont know if i would have been able to stand up like this again and again, without giving up on life. It takes so much inner strength to mobilize again and to commit on fighting back even when you feel like everything is just hopeless.

Its good news that you feel a little better today.

Dude thank you so much. It's been very hard for me to do anything productive lately--the depression from this bullshit can sometimes be all-consuming. I'll be sure to try and reciprocate the support as soon as I feel up to it.


I fucked up again, and again, it was by fucking. I had sex three times over the past two days. The chaser effect has never been stronger. I had very real urges this afternoon that were very, very difficult to fight. This whole sex thing is my only path to relapse at this point, so I don't know why I keep doing it.

I'm really worried guys, I haven't had cravings like that in a long time. And now I'm going to have to face at least another two days of them. I can't fail this late in the game. I jsut can't. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: April 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM »
Hey man. I just want to quickly take this opportunity to tell you that I've been reading your journal since the start. It is honestly quite inspiring (even if you might think it's not. I don't know what your thoughts are on that) and I actually wanted to finish the entire journal before I said anything but I only got to two pages. I think you're doing an absolutely great job. Your journey and ideas have sparked many thoughts and I want to genuinely appreciate you for that. I also want to read more before I give any detailed advice but based on your recent posts I think that you're having a rough time. I do hope you come out of this soon. You seem like a stand-up guy and I wish you luck on your journey man. Just continue fighting this battle, and in spite of being a random stranger on the internet, I completely believe you can do this.

Damn man thank you so much. Really appreciate your kind words.


Yesterday was a bit of a reprieve. It was the best day I've had in a while. Today my balls are shrunken and my mind is a little fucked, but what's new about that. I think it's going to be about a year before I can rejoin society in the way that I'd like. This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society. What's weird about all this is the fact that I can have sex pretty easily, yet the mental symptoms are still terrible. I think true brain health equates to the ability to become erect through touch alone, which is a feat that I've accomplished in the past. Too bad my mental illness caused me to relapse so many times, because, normally, I'd be through this hellhole already. I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: April 28, 2020, 10:53:56 AM »
Withdrawals kept me up until 2 am last night, and I never really left that mind state. I'm already feeling significant pain today as well. Don't really know what to think about any of this.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: April 27, 2020, 03:51:53 PM »
Startin to hurt pretty bad. Usually ~330-7pm sucks for me. Must mean that the meat of the damage I did during that infamous binge session occurred during this time frame. I'm currently praying that I can get off the Lamictal once this is over so I can begin to write seriously once more.

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