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Messages - zander13

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 19, 2020, 07:31:52 PM »
The last 2or 3 days have been really tough. Feels like I haven't made a single day's worth of progress. Fuck this sucks.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 17, 2020, 05:59:37 AM »
Hey Zander, can't imagine what you are going through. But from where I'm sitting you seem like you have crazy will power. Its beyond Impressive. I wish you the best. Keep fighting the good fight.

Thanks man. Means a lot. Good luck to you too!

The withdrawals have been keeping me up until about 7 in the morning for the past three nights and I'm starting to go a little nuts. I've been playing Call of Duty to pass the time and I just got so angry at some random dude online--like I lost my shit, and we argued for a solid twenty minutes in a way that only anonymous gamers can. And now I feel the lingering anger, and shame. Sounds like a small thing but I'm really upset at myself for stooping so low. The guy wasn't worth it, and I completely lowered my standards and forgot who I was. I'm also thinking of the whole HALT acronym (Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired). I need to watch out for the addiction, it may try and ooze through the cracks caused by my rage.

It (the argument) also made me realize how politically charged this country is. People are just honing in on what side of the dotted line you're on and then, within a split second, deciding whether or not you're a person of value. It really scares me how divided we are. But I don't think this forum should be about politics, so I'll just leave it at that.

Anyways, hopefully my brain will let me fall asleep soon, because I'm ready for a restart. This whole staying up all night business is quite lonely these days, especially when I don't have my girlfriend to talk to during the day. I'm a very odd person when it comes to my personality, and I have found that I can only open up, truly, to a very few individuals, and she was one of them. She also has issues with mental health, making her one of the people in this world who doesn't have to use his or her imagination to empathize with mental health stuff. She knows it all first hand.

I'm glad I decided to express myself at this moment. It's good to just shake out the garbage can.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 14, 2020, 10:09:58 PM »
@PIED yeah I have. PIED isn't really my issue anymore. The mental stuff is what get's me.

Speaking of which, I've been in a pretty deep depression all day today, and I'd venture to say that it's gotten even worse as the day/night has gone on. I knew, as soon as I woke up, that something was off. Sadly, this has me now questioning the state of my mental health, and wondering where my addiction ends and my mental illness begins. I have the right medication and I know that it keeps me out of the darkest places, but as a human, I really want to uncover the truth behind all of the pain. How much of my depression is being caused by this horse shit addiction? How much of it is innate? Just another reason for me wanting to end this battle for good. Another thing that I get to look forward to, though I'm very, very scared that my mental illness is the main culprit. Knowing that I'm going to be dependent upon a medication for the rest of my life is a tough thing to accept. Most people who've gone through this process will understand that statement. It's this weird thing where I just want to use my factory settings, and don't want to have to rely on something else to keep me afloat. Because that brings up questions like "what if it stops working?". I also don't like the idea of having to deal with the side effects.

In the end, I'll take whatever meds I need to take. But I don't want to give up hope that this addiction has gotten so bad that it has the power to lower my moods this tremendously. There is no doubt in my mind that after every binge relapse I've had over the past 4-5 years, the state of my addiction has gotten worse. And, the funny thing is, the length between the binges is what made it all the worse. Kindling, they call it. Fucking shit man, you'd think I'd get rewarded for all of my near-successes. But no, they were actually more detrimental to my overall recovery than if I had continued to watch porn everyday. God damn, just goes to show how twisted all of this is from a moral standpoint. There's no participation trophies for the half-successes. In fact, you get punched in the jaw if you have a "decent streak". At least that's what happened to me.

This is a pivotal moment in my life. I think I'm going to discover a lot of things about myself, including what my "factory settings" are in the next 6 or so months. I've never really known what it's like to be acquainted with who I really am, especially as an adult, so it'll be quite revealing. I hope I'm not as broken as I feel right now. I just want to wake up in the morning and feel excited for the day. That's happened to me once during this whole reboot, and I was so fucking overjoyed I can't even tell you. It must've been 2-3 months ago, but damn was it magical. I don't know if it was some sort of fluke, or what have you, but I yearn, so fucking badly, to feel that pure elation again. I've been living in such hell for the past 5 years that I forgot what it's like to wake up and feel joy.

I really, really want a chance at happiness again. It's all I've got, in fact. The hope. The hope that I can change my brain.

I'm really scared right now, but I'm going to keep moving forward. One of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever received came in the form of a line of text in a book: "This too, shall pass." Everything does. We all will. But I want to have some fucking fun before I go for good. I think I fuckin' deserve it.

Sounds like you're wired pretty deep to this shit. My theory is that the more sensitive of a person you are, the more easily this shit can dig into the core of your brain.

You've got the right idea, as I said in my journal. I'm no guru, but I like what I read.

I think we can recover. I need to believe it. Might take 2-3 years, but there's gotta be an ending.

Good luck.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 13, 2020, 08:11:43 PM »
Stay strong bro, sounds like these urges could be a good indication of a re-emerging libido. When you feel the urge, know you are on your way out. Every time you don't give in you're one step closer. I'm excited for what lies ahead for you.

Geeze man, thank you. I read your story earlier--seems like you have the right idea. Also, I do believe that everyone has a chance to recover. I don't know how long it takes for the modern man (since we've been exposed to this poison so early), but I do think that there is a way out for everyone. Some folks, in my eyes, might need some rewiring towards the end, but I may even be wrong about that. Once our brains finally realize that we're no longer using porn as a sexual outlet, it will be forced to reconcile with that fact and seek more primal wiring. At least that's my hope.

Thanks again. This helped me out a great deal. I've been feeling very lonely lately. I'm no longer in the same town as my girlfriend and it's been tough. So thanks, my friend.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 13, 2020, 04:38:22 PM »
Still kinda shitty.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 12, 2020, 03:57:56 PM »
Yesterday and last night were fucking horrendous. The withdrawals kept me up until 6am, and almost every second of that time was painful, to varying degrees. Fuckin' shit man, just when I got a teaspoon of optimism. I fear today and tonight will be more of the same. How fucking long is this process going to take? I'm so fucking sick of it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 11, 2020, 07:01:36 PM »
@supra yeah, I've had a decent amount of sex throughout this reboot. It would give me a hangover feeling that would last anywhere from 1-3 days. The hangover time lessened as I progressed further along. I used to get chaser effects a day after, but I noticed, in the last couple months, that the chaser didn't really hit me.

I don't know how the sex affected my reboot as a whole, and I guess I'll never know. My girl has moved to England for school and a giant ocean is now between us, so I'll be sex free for the foreseeable future.

The last five or so days I've been having trouble sleeping. The withdrawals have once again made their way into the night, and I simply cannot sleep while they are active. I'm just going to roll with the punches, as always.

I don't really know where I'm at in this whole process. Sometimes I think that I have turned a corner, and other times, like today, I think that I still have a ways to go. I will say, with some confidence, that the progress I've made is tangible. I'm noticing that some of my symptoms have improved, and that their duration seems to be shorter. But as I write that, I remember a couple occasions in the not so distant past where I was in a severe pain for periods longer than ever before. So, as always, who the fuck really knows. Things are changing, that's the only statement I can make with my hand on a Bible.

I'm scared of optimism because the fall is harder when the cliff is higher. I refuse to let my guard down at any point, and I continue to make abstinence my number one priority. I'd rather be fruitless for another year than to spend the rest of life operating at 30% capacity. Relapse is not an option.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 07, 2020, 08:48:05 PM »
The withdrawals have been keeping me up past 3am every night, and they've been fuckin brutal.

I had a good little run there where my symptoms weren't so bad, but now I'm right back into the shit. A part of me is scared by how long this recovery is going to take. It seems like I've stalled out. All I get is a measly couple of days before I'm back into the harshest pain of my life. It's hard to be positive right now. Especially when all I want to do is sleep. I'm tired of staying up into the night, by myself, feeling like the lowest form of a human I can imagine.

Ages 20-29 / Re: 26 years old; 740 days of abstinence
« on: September 07, 2020, 12:18:07 AM »
Hey man if it makes you feel any better I’m closing in on 11 months and still don’t feel naturally attracted to girls. My MW is also sporadic and doesn’t last that long. I can’t imagine 2 years of this, so I greatly admire your dedication. I guess all you and I can do is keep going. You’re kind of inspiration, just saying.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 06, 2020, 08:26:45 PM »
Fucking shit withdrawals tonight. Gunna have to go back into the storm again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Overcoming hypofrontality
« on: September 05, 2020, 01:15:44 PM »
You’re killing it. Nice job man.

Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: September 05, 2020, 01:14:53 PM »
Congratulations. Those are some big boy numbers. God bless my friend.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 04, 2020, 12:29:55 PM »
Exercise, meditation, you know the drill.

You spoke before in your posts about creativity. Are you still writing?

Nah man not yet. I’ve tried writing while in the midst of withdrawals and all it did was disappoint me and rock my confidence. The same mechanism that allows me to enjoy myself whilst reading fiction is the same tool that enables me to make shit up and put it on paper, and, for now, I’m still not there yet. I trust that I’ll know when it’s time to start creating again, and I’m guessing that moment will come when I start experiencing a full range of emotions. I’m a feeler, 100%.

As far as my progress goes, I may have turned a corner. I don’t want to get excited too soon, but I’ve been feeling relatively better the last few days (2). I still have brain fog, anxiety, trouble sleeping, shrunken junk, digestive issues, and a litany of other bothersome symptoms, but at least I’m experiencing a tinge of optimism. It may come crashing down soon, but I’m glad that I’ve gotten a nice break. If only my sleeping were better and I felt more rested than I do, but I guess I can’t have it all at once, until the day comes when I can. Won’t that be fucking fantastic.

Once my libido returns I’ll know that I’m close to the end. Natural magnetism to women will be the final straw. I can just feel it.

My story just goes to show that there’s hope, even for the hard cases. I’m 10.5 months into this thing.

The final thing I want to say is that I can never get complacent, or celebrate anything peremptorily. I still have a ways to go, and I’ve been experiencing urges, which is a new phenomenon relative to the past several months. I really need to stay on my toes and keep my mind strong. In fact, I’m going to meditate right now. I’d say it takes about a week or so to get back into old habits.

God speed to everyone.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 03, 2020, 10:46:27 AM »
I hope the urges are from your reawakening libido.

The night is darkest before the dawn

Thanks for the support my friend.

Today, I feel super susceptible to relapse. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that I'm vulnerable. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, because withdrawals kept me up all night and I'm going to try and get a little more sleep, but after I get up for good I'm going to construct a concrete plan on how to avoid giving in to the evil afoot.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 02, 2020, 04:13:05 PM »
Today has been terrible. Also--still feeling urges.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: September 01, 2020, 05:09:04 PM »
Supra: Truer words have never been spoken.

Having a serious urge right now--it's one of the strongest I've experienced so far in this reboot. I texted my girl and told my Mom, and I went and lifted a couple weights to keep my mind occupied. But I'm still feeling it pretty hard, so I'm going to play some video games to keep my mind further occupied. Sometimes it's just about surviving the onslaught, and it doesn't have to be some storybook moment. I just need to ride this fuckin wave.

I think I'm going to start meditating again because I want to make sure my mind is at its strongest. I read, on a different site, a forum post where the guy stated that as he got closer to the end of his journey urges began to return since his libido was kicking in. I don't know if that's what is going on at the moment, but I need to get my mind strong if urges do start pouring in.

Though I'm scared of this urge and am worried about what the future holds in the temptation department, a part of me is glad that something new is occurring. I'm getting tired of the same old patterns. In my eyes, any change is welcome.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 31, 2020, 03:59:07 PM »
Funny how this shit works. I'm slowly descending back into hell as we speak. The withdrawals are coming back. Fucking shit man.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 31, 2020, 03:06:43 PM »
Another PSA: Be mindful of anhedonia. Be aware of yourself and your brain. If you're experiencing it at any given time, then don't blame life's circumstances for your unhappiness. Sometimes it's just our brains that are fucking with our ability to feel pleasure, and time is the only answer to get through it. Anhedonia is, without question, my least favorite symptom of this addiction. Life is just so fucking boring when I'm experiencing it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 31, 2020, 11:06:27 AM »
Yesterday was a bit of a reprieve, and it seems like today will be one as well. They have been sorely, sorely needed. The last 2 months have been, quite honestly, devastating. Especially the last three or so weeks. Every fucking day.

I still have symptoms on my "reprieve" days, and I'm still nowhere near as happy, clear-minded, optimistic, and in-tune with the world as I know I can be, but at least I'm not cripplingly depressed and fatigued. I can actually focus on tasks.

I haven't really had much morning wood as of late, but I had a little bit this morning. It was a weak erection, and it didn't last very long, but that just goes to show that recovery isn't linear.

I see my reboot as a tree that's been cut down at the lower trunk, with its rings exposed. And the rings are the layers of my recovery. I started on the outside, and am slowly working my way in. Each time I've relapsed, I've expanded the diameter of the tree, so it's taken a lot longer to get towards the center.

Anyways, the rings are little pockets of my subconscious that I've used porn to ignore. They're a mixxture of memories, emotions, moods, and everything in between. And in between the rings is solid wood. Oak, if you will. And the oak is the porn use. Edging, mostly.

The interesting thing about all this, and the reason I use the tree ring analogy, is that each section of wood in between the rings is different than the last. One section, I'll get hit by the worst symptoms at very distinct parts of the day. Say 1 pm, and then 6pm, etc. etc. And each iteration needs to be worked through until that phase has been dealt with. Symptoms can vary by day, and I believe it's because my brain is erasing all of the issues that go laong with this addiction. Anxiety, depression, fucked up fight or flight responses, digestion. Since this addiction is so inherently linked with our sexual underpinnings as humans, it affects our bodies in an extreme way. At least for me. And my brain is slowly working through all of the damage, piece by piece.

Anyways, I like to believe that I'm approaching the center of my tree, but I'm not married to the idea, because I can't set myself up for a letdown. Perhaps I have more iterations after the one I've been working through (which has a lot of the pain occurring at night, say from 9pm until 3am, with a little sprinkled in the mornings), which would suck, but it's just something I'll have to endure if I wish to get to the other side of all this.

To finish, I just want to put a little PSA out there. If you're feeling bad, struggling, suffering from withdrawals, be honest about it on this forum. Don't go out of your way to paint some rosy picture of what's going on in your life. Don't compare yourself to others and try and keep up with the Joneses. Fuck that shit. If you're hurting, then you're hurting. Lying to ourselves is one of the main reasons that we fail, and I believe that beating this addiction is directly in line with being honest with ourselves and others. It's okay to be in a rough spot in life. Just wait it out. Everything will pass if you have patience.

Anyways, enough lecturing. So long for now. There is hope.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 28, 2020, 05:37:38 PM »
Thanks Supra.

Things continue to be difficult. Today was rough. Not much change in the pattern for a while. This is a battle for the ages.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 27, 2020, 04:48:40 PM »
Thanks Supra and Sanders.

I'm so fucking angry today and i have nowhere to direct my anger towards. Porn has taken so much from me. Every day fucking blows, for the most part. I haven't had an actual good day in months. It goes from shit to fuckin' shit. That's the spectrum I experience.

I hate this stuff so much, it's just amazing that PMO addiction has these kinds of withdrawals. I mean, what the flying fuck? Who would've thought?

Porn is one of the many banes of society, and I think it's going to be ignored for far longer than it should. People are just too scared of talking about something so embarrassing. And the taboo nature of it makes it that much more potent, because this addiction loves nothing more than to sit, unnoticed, in the dark. That's where it grows best.

Fetishes are only going to continue to escalate, and society's sexual identity is going to further deteriorate. The power of our reward systems is too strong for any single person to stop this tidal wave.

All I can do, sadly, is keep moving forward. I hate the lens in which I currently experience life, because it makes everything shitty, but I need to keep believing that I'll, one day, get better.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 25, 2020, 04:16:48 PM »
The pain is so bad today I don't even feel like I'm part of this world.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 23, 2020, 12:40:04 PM »
The past couple days have been easier, though I'm still experiencing symptoms. Brain fog, I fear, is going to be a presence in my life for a long time.

The depression is the symptom that I, obviously, despise the most, and if the severity of it continues to lessen as it has the past three days, then I'll be one happy camper.

As I've said before, I kindled my addiction by abstaining for long periods and then ending each period of abstinence with binge sessions filled with hours and hours of edging to very, very racy material. It was all about cranking those dopamine levels up as high as they could go, for as long as I could muster. All of the individual factors that go into a porn session are akin to a series of dials and knobs that we can use to alter the amount of dopamine we release. Check out Gary Wilson if anyone would like to learn more.

Because I kindled my addiction, I now suffer from PAWs, or post acute withdrawals, They can last anywhere from 6 months to 2-ish years, and they blow. So that's what I'm dealing with on a day by day basis, and that's why I'm still here despite having over 300 days clean. I think I still have a ways to go, but I pray that the worst of it is behind me. Who knows, this stuff is so fucking ethereal.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: August 19, 2020, 05:20:49 PM »
300 days.

I feel terrible today. Seems like things are going to continue to get worse before they get better. Since month 5 or so, every month has been tougher than the last. I feel lost, but all I can do is keep moving forward.

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