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Messages - zander13

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Today, surprisingly, wasn't that bad. I had a headache all day but the WDs weren't too crazy. As always, we'll see how the next few days go, but I'm feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Also, my morning wood this morning was pretty darn stiff.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 27, 2020, 12:28:56 PM »
Fuck man I had sex last night. I'm very, very disappointed in myself. It's just insane to me how I could have so much self control when it comes to not masturbating, yet have so little when it comes to abstaining from sex. No wonder I had this addiction--I have a big issue with self control when it comes to sex. The only defense I have for myself is that I'm living at a residential healing facility where I see this girl every, single, day, for long, extended periods of time. I'm with her at least 3-5 hours a day, if not more. We work, eat, and sometimes sleep together on a daily basis. So that makes it difficult. But still, I need to keep these promises I make to myself, because I NEED TO TRUST MYSELF!! It's fucking paramount that I can hold a promise to myself and keep it. So I'm a little nervous right now, to be honest. I'm on high alert for a relapse. I keep re-introducing sex to my brain, which leads to things like the chaser effect, brain fog, and other horse shit that will trigger a relapse. God damn man, I've worked too fucking hard to ruin this now.

More bad news: I'm still experiencing withdrawals, though the sex messed with the pattern a little. We'll see how the net 4-5 days go. All I can say is that I need to keep pushing through these withdrawals, even though they are very painful and require a lot of willpower to avoid giving it to my brain's siren call to relapse.

Gotta distract myself the next few days, that's the key. And I need to continue meditating. That is also key when it comes to the old frontal lobes.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 26, 2020, 04:12:53 PM »
I'm currently reading 100 Years of solitude and I came on a passage that talks about sex and incest. Instead of glossing over it I read the entire passage. I'm very, very upset with myself. I feel as if I've made myself vulnerable, and I'm worried that it did some damage. I can't afford any more slip ups man, this is too fucking difficult as it is.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 26, 2020, 12:22:48 PM »
Yesterday, especially last night, was fucking brutal man. And this morning has been even worse. So much misery it's unreal. I don't really have the words. I'm beginning to fully understand just how long this process is going to take. I still have A LOT of healing to do. I'm going to have to get used to the severity of these withdrawals. They aren't going to disappear any time soon.

fuck man. I wish my brain wasn't so sensitive, and that I wasn't such a hedonist when I was a teenager. I'd slap the fucking shit out of 17 year old me. He wasted so much fucking time when he could have been imprinting quality habits into his brain. Youth is truly, truly wasted on the young. Fucking hell man, I'm already 28 years old and I haven't got shit to show for it. This addiction is wrecking me life in a way.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 25, 2020, 05:39:11 PM »
Seems like the site was down the past couple of days?

Anyways, I'm in a wave of withdrawals right now and they aren't much fun. Easier than last time, but still very, very much not fun. MW almost every morning though, so things are definitely getting better. Physical manifestations of my progression.

And just for shits and gigs, I'm a couple days over the four month mark (123 days?)

I don't really want to include that, but what the fuck, right?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 21, 2020, 04:31:17 PM »
I think the next wave of withdrawals began today. Almost 100% positive. This is good in the fact that my brain is healing, but it will suck in the short term. Like really suck. And it'll stretch on for days on end. Time to hunker down and survive.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 20, 2020, 02:18:41 PM »
Had sex twice last night. Need to seriously evaluate my ability to hold and establish boundaries. Only thing in my defense is the fact that sex is so readily available considering my current living situation. Regardless, I've made another mistake that is making today a difficult day for me. Not deriving much pleasure from the world around me.

I expect the next week or so to be extremely trying, considering the trends that have been emerging the past month or so. I've had a nice break from the truly terrible withdrawals, but they will return, though they will prickle less than their predecessors. Each round of withdrawals is a wave of healing, much like how wounds smart when they are mending. The pain equals progress, so in a way, I'm happy for them. But I'm guaranteeing this journal that I won't be saying that when they arrive. They flat out suck man. I'm kind of terrified.

To conclude, the sex was a mistake, and I'm upset with myself, but hopefully I will be able to sort that out as time moves on. The thing I'm most worried about is the upcoming wave of WDs, because they will test my willpower, patience, and fortitude.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 19, 2020, 05:43:35 PM »
Past couple days have been pretty darn good, I've had morning wood for about 4-5 days in a row. Pretty fucking rad.

On a more dismal note, I received some dick stroking, dry humping, and a couple seconds of a BJ (upon my request) this afternoon, and I'm already feeling foggy, feminine, and insecure because of those extracurriculars. Eleven days ago I made a post saying that any kind of intense sexual stimulation causes me to feel shitty, and I still went ahead and did it anyways. I'm pretty upset with myself to be honest. And I'm also upset with this addiction, because it prevents me from engaging in any sort of sexual relations with the opposite sex. It STILL believes that any sort of sexual encounter is actually me watching porn. It flat out doesn't understand the difference between the two. I still get that same high followed by the shame, fog, lack of self esteem, etc., and the high doesn't last that long at all. In addition, my heart beats fast and I start shaking a little in anticipation of the sexual encounter, just like how my body responds before a relapse. Fucking insane, right? And I know people will say that the reason my heart is pounding is because I'm nervous, or excited, or something else in that romantic kind of vein. Well I know the difference between authentic nervousness and the bodily reaction towards anticipated pornhub viewings, and the latter is most definitely what happened this afternoon.

I told the girl that we can no longer do anything more than kiss for the foreseeable future, because I don't want to even put myself in any kind of position where I could fail. I've worked WAY TOO FUCKING HARD!!! I've gone through so much pain it blows my fucking mind. There's simply no need to prolong any of this bullshit. It belongs in the rearview mirror, or in a fucking ditch with blood coming out of the hole in its temple. Anyways, I'm going to be down for the rest of the night, but tomorrow is another day. I'm still pissed at myself right now, but hopefully that'll pass sooner rather than later. I want to spend each minute I have on this earth in the best possible way. No more intense stimulation until I'm totally in the driver's seat.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 16, 2020, 10:31:52 PM »
Today wasn't as bad as the previous 5-6 days, but it still wasn't easy. I can tell that my brain is very much craving porn right now. This addiction's power is undeniable. Its roots are deeply embedded in my brain--like gnarled serpents. I hate it. I want to be myself. I want to be free. I want to create. I want to say something that means a thing or two. I want to be courageous, and to fall in love, and to build something beautiful. I want to experience the wonders of this world. Its such a treasure. I want the clouds to part, and the sun to pour in. I want clarity. I want untainted reality. I want emotion. Pure emotion. I want love man. I want to fucking love as hard as I can. Love is it. It's the only way through this mess.


Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 16, 2020, 10:46:19 AM »
I can already tell that today will be another difficult day. Don't have much to say. Hopefully life will get better as time goes on. That's all I can hope for. This will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I'll go through in life, because it seems so worthless time wise. It's just bundles and bundles of wasted time.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 15, 2020, 11:34:08 AM »
Another shit day. Fucking hell man!! Fucking grinding me down to a pulp. I don't really have many positive things to say. This is absolutely terrible.

Just thinking about how seemingly unfair this shit has been to me. It's taken so fucking much. I'll never, ever let it fucking beat me. No fucking way.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 14, 2020, 06:50:30 PM »
Fucking terrible man. So many shitty days these past two weeks. I fucking despise this addiction.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 14, 2020, 09:18:22 AM »
Last 3 days have been very difficult, but for reasons that are dissimilar to the ones I've complaining about earlier in this journal. My head/brain feels different, and the type of depression I'm feeling is more of a dull pain than an acute attack. Sadly, this dull pain is more existential in nature, and the depression feels deeper and more catastrophic. I worry that the sex I've been having has only magnified these effects, but its no use crying over that spilt milk.

I've had morning wood every morning for the past four days or so, which is a good sign, though the erections disappear not long after I wake up. Progress, however slow, is being made.

The biggest fear I have these days is that I'll die before I beat this addiction for good. I know that sounds irrational, but the anxiety/depression the PAWS is causing plus my bipolar anxiety has produced this massive death fear that consumes me on a daily basis. I really, really want to live to see the day when I am free of these shackles. Its been nearly a decade in the making.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 12, 2020, 05:04:34 PM »
The pain I'm feeling right now is unbelievable.

It's been going on about all day now.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 12, 2020, 12:33:42 PM »
The withdrawals/PAWS have been causing a lot of depression lately. My brain chemicals are all out of whack. The good news is that I've been able to read more, which, to me, means that my cognition is improving.

Sex seems to knock me back about 5 days of recovery time each time I indulge in it, so I'm completely taking it off the table. And this time I'm pretty fucking serious about it. I can't break promises to myself anymore, because we all know where that leads. Self esteem is strongly linked to this addiction, and when I start fucking with my own, problems inevitably arise. The fact that I had sex with the knowledge that it was harmful to me is kind of disappointing, but I need to move on. Just another learning experience, though more mistakes will take me into the Einstein insanity territory (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results).

Another issue I'm dealing with is the mental illness bit. I started lowering my dose of Lamictal the past couple weeks and I was able to observe that it does a terrific job of taking hte edge off of things, and that I should remain at a higher dose for the time being. Once the waves of PAWS begin to subside, I will revisit the concept of fiddling with my meds. To people who don't understand what it's like to be mentally ill, it seems stupid to mess with the very things that are keeping you sane, but what normal folks don't realize is that the meds have side effects, and some of them are nigh unbearable. Lamictal keeps me permanently disconnected to the world, not allowing me to feel weather, or nature, or strong emotional currents. Its a nullifier of life, plain and simple. It dulls everything to the point of nonexistence. It has me ignoring some of the best parts of being human. So of course I'm going to to try and take as little of them as I can.

As always, the most important work I can do is to continue to move forward. The fight is a tough one, there's no fucking question about that. But things are steadily improving, which is pretty cool.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 08, 2020, 10:21:14 AM »
Was stupid last night and ended up penetrating my gf for about 10 seconds. We stopped because we both know how bad it is for me, but I still feel hungover today. To me, this means that any kind of intense stimulation causes my brain to malfunction. I believe this is because of the fact that I'm in another flatline. I wouldn't doubt it that stimulation (kissing, dry humping, grabbing) during a normal period (without a flatline) wouldn't be harmful in any way, but the fact that I keep hooking up with her during the flatline is what's fucking me over. I guess it's just another learning experience. Hopefully today won't be too bad, but I'm ready for the worst. Only way out is through, though that's tough talk considering how shitty I feel when things are at their worst.

This will be, by the far, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. I guarantee it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 07, 2020, 05:08:37 PM »
Tough day, though the morning/early afternoon was pretty good. Feeling like I'm on the cusp of something. Music starting to sound a little better. Gotta keep pushing forward. I just might launch off into the stratosphere.

Nonetheless, today was fucking hard. And I foresee more pain to come. It might get worse before it get's better.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 06, 2020, 02:24:06 PM »
Fuck boy this blows. It's been like 6 days in a row of feeling absolutely shitty. And I can't write well either, which is also bothering me. Fucking hell!! When will this be over?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 06, 2020, 02:02:25 PM »
Still feeling shite today. Not much else to say--I'm anxious and depressed, and its because of this addiction. All I can do is keep surviving, and to enjoy the rare moments when I feel alright. I imagine that it will take another 6 months to a year before I can consistently wake up feeling good. Rarely do I ever wake up excited to get out of bed. And that's a damn shame, but it is what it is. Maybe I'll be stronger from this whole experience. Or maybe I'll just be the person who I haven't been able to be, who is, in fact, a very good person. Shame he hasn't been able to show his face very often in this life.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 05, 2020, 05:11:07 PM »
The last five days have been brutal. I'm very much ready for this storm to pass. It'll all be worth it in the end.

Today I realized that the reason these withdrawals have been so brutal is because last year I had a binge session that lasted just about all day. My brain is still trying to come back from that momentous derailment.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 05, 2020, 12:24:38 PM »
Worried that the sex I've been having has done more damage than I've been willing to admit. I'm having a difficult day when it comes to withdrawals, and it's getting to me spiritually. I'm just flat out sick of this shit. I'm at my wit's end. I don't even know what else I can say. I'm just tired of not being able to enjoy life to the fullest--it feels as if I'm wasting my golden years. Fucking shit man. It feels as if my brain is going to implode. It feels swollen and damaged. There is a constant pressure in my temples.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 04, 2020, 06:01:11 PM »
Hey man. Having successful sex can certainly be of great help during the recovery. It would help your mind set things right and help it realise that this is the real deal and not the pixels on your screen. I would suggest not being so hard on yourself maybe this once. Had it been porn then maybe the reaction would’ve been justified.

Anyway that’s my opinion. If a hard mode is what you’re trying to do then certainly you could refrain from having sex the next time. Other wise, try to take it as a good sign of recovery and yeah, good luck.

I'm one of those folks who has to abstain from sex because my brain still isn't ready for orgasms of any kind. But thanks for the well wishes, good luck to you as well.

Speaking of sex, I had it again yesterday and was pretty fucking pissed at myself, because my brain has been cloudy today. But I don't think the sex is as harmful as I make it out to be, though it undoubtedly causes some issues.

The important thing is to keep moving forward, because time will eventually fulfill its duty, and I'll be healthier than I've ever been. Just gotta keep going, no matter how hard this journey gets.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 02, 2020, 02:35:15 PM »
I, regretfully, had sex today at around 11. I honestly have no idea what it's going to do to me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was bad for my overall recovery, but, as they say, only time will tell. I am not happy with myself at all, but me and my girl were just too fucking horny to not fornicate. It was only a matter of time the last few days. I'll just take the punishment as it comes. Too bad the promise I made to myself has been broken. I didn't even make it two weeks.

In other news, I still hate what Lamictal is doing to my brain. I feel dumber. In every facet. I can't write as well, nor am I as sharp when I speak. Maybe it's all in my head, but it's hard to say. The brain is just so fucking mystical, and all of my problems just so happen to occur within it. So much gray.

I'm seriously thinking about lowering or stopping it completely, just to see how I fare. I'll probably start getting depressed again, but I at least want to try it. It's a scary thought, but there is a part of me that needs to know what I'm like without the confounded drug.

Edit: My brain already feels a bit wonky. The sex definitely did some damage. Fuck.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 01, 2020, 10:52:59 AM »
Today I feel weird. A mixture of masculine and feminine. I'm on the verge of having some good days in a row, I can tell. Or maybe not, who the fuck knows. I can tell that my brain is craving porn right now, and I need to stay mindful of that. I've been having relapse dreams and fucking wacko sex dreams. I honestly don't know what in the fuck is going on.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 31, 2020, 06:17:18 PM »
Days are starting to vary. Things are starting to grow more unpredictable. We'll see how this plays out moving forward. This shit is, as you all know, fucking annoying. I want to find that long-sought after baseline.

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