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Messages - HipbabyJake

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 31, 2014, 09:30:05 PM »
4 days today.  One day at a time with God!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 30, 2014, 05:09:59 PM »
Okay, so I relapsed on Saturday I think it was.  Today I have 3 days clean again.  This is a challenge.  I need to do all I can to learn about my addiction and how to overcome it.  I must work the first 3 steps on a day to day basis.  This is not a joke.  My mental health makes it harder because I am dual diagnosed.  I am in a recovery program and have about 5 more months to go in it.  NOW IS THE TIME to work on recovery.  I must trust God, even when my mental health is acting up and I have a bad day, or bad moments in a day.  I will try to make this as fun as possible, but must realize its not all going to be fun, it is going to be work.  I have turned to compulsions so long and acting out as a way to deal with pain and get relief through instant gratification that my brain instantly wants to go there, that is addiction.

I need to become compulsive about working out again.  It helps me stay positive about myself, lets me get natural endorphins moving around, and gives me hope that one day a woman will find me attractive physically.  Plus I need to stay plugged in to God and follow His ways.  I need family, support, and new hobbies.  Tonight I am going to look closer at what I can do for some new hobbies.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 24, 2014, 08:43:31 PM »
Day 4 almost completed.  Not so great.  A lot of mental health problems.  Obsessive thoughts, paranoia, anxiety, and irretability.  Almost gave in today.  Somehow God got me through.  I am not really looking fowards to life like this.  I can only hope that it gets better.   :-[

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 23, 2014, 06:53:56 PM »
Today is day 3 almost completed of staying clean.  Thanks to God.  I am learning things from Recoverynation.com also which is a good site for sexual addiction recovery.  Check it out.  I am also learning that it is good to get out into public and be around normal women and men too.  It is good to learn about my addiction and also about living life on lifes terms in God's world.  Prayer has really helped me as God definately answers prayers and cares.  The Word is truth and friends are good.  Jesus is not only my creator but my re-creator!  Amen.

God bless.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 22, 2014, 10:01:52 PM »
Well today is 2 full days successfully completed without acting out.  I feel more mental clarity already which is crazy, but I am still having a lot of bad mental health symptoms.  I may have to accept living with these the rest of my life, but I do believe they will improve as I get more time clean.  I also believe that renewing my mind will help.  I really really need some material on addiction education and stuff.  I also want to do as I have seen others do, and that is get to the root of my addiction.  I was taught that acting out sexually is really only a symptom of the disease.  The real problem lies in me and my mind, emotions, values, and stuff like that.  Maybe the 12 steps will help if I work them.  I am going to do all I can though to stay clean, learn, change, and become a better man, one that can live with a good relationship with God and proper relationships with other males and females.  I hope one day to have a woman I can call my own and experience a real relationship with her and be free from these obsessions and compulsions and addictions.

God bless.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: It's never too late
« on: July 22, 2014, 09:46:43 PM »
hi Tom!  I found your journal.  I didn't know you were 71 bro.  I really respect you man.  I am really glad that your wife stands by you.  That is awesome!  I can't wait to get to the library this Saturday and check out those Sean Stewart videos you have talked about.  Im glad we can be friends on here now.  Can't wait to hear from you again.

Oh and to the guy that posted, uhm itsnevertolateman I think his name was.  What you said about how this addiction is cunning and baffling is so true.  It's scary.  I actually was on my knees on night praying and praising God and thanking him for helping me with not acting out on that particular night for the whole day and right after I was done praying I went in to get on facebook and before I knew it I had a porno site up and was getting it in.  CRAZY!  I had no urge or desire.  Its like my brain just took over my fingers typed it in and it was like I was on autodrive.  Weird man.

Anyways, peace ya'll, Im bout to do a journal entry.  itsnevertolateman if you read this please check out my journal.  It is in the 30's section and it is titled !Operation Reboot Jake!

God bless.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 20, 2014, 12:29:15 AM »
Well, I am sitting here alone, with the open web before me, which is loaded with free pornography websites, especially the ones I am into, female foot fetish pornography, and I ask myself, do I open one and indulge, enjoy the excitement looking up videos until I find one that I know will really get me off and then slowly MB knowing that I dont want to do it to quickly because I know that when its all said and done and the orgasm is over I will be left with nothing but a sticky mess to clean up and deep cutting feelings of shame and regret for the rest of my night, followed by anxiety and depression in the morning, OR do I log on to rebootnation.org and begin the long journey ahead of me, start a journal and share about myself and my long long loooooong time addiction?

Tonight I will choose the latter and start by expressing my gratitude that I have for this website tonight to be able to log on and get help.  Because I could so easily do whats wrong instead. 

My name is Jake and I'm an addict.  A porn addict.  Or as you know it a PMO addict.

Well where to start...

I have been addicted to PMO for my entire life.  I started MBing around the age of 5 or 6.  I am 30 years old, which means I have been doing this for 24 years easily and for most of my life I have been doing it daily, sometimes multiple times a day.  I have a desire to stop, but really need some tools to help me do so.  Tonight I have made the right decision to start my journal but as I am sure a lot of you know this addiction is cunning, baffling, and tricky.  For example, I can't promise you that by the time I am done typing this first journal entry out that I won't bring up a site and PMO.  That to me shows me how sick this disease is.  One day at a time is an understatement.  One minute at a time is more like it. 

I would like to take a minute and write about triggers because I think that triggers have a lot to do with relapse.  Tonight being alone by a computer is a trigger.  Being alone anywhere is a trigger.  Knowing that I can get away with it one more time without anybody knowing is a trigger.  But they might not know that I am a PMO addict, but they do know something is wrong with me.  Because I have mental health symptoms and problems and everytime I decide to PMO they get worse.  So being that it does affect me mentally and emotionally in my day to day life is enough for me to have a desire to stop.  But I don't believe a desire is enough.  So I am really here to learn all that this site can tell me or anybody here that is willing to help me learn to live a new way of life, or reboot as you say.
My mind surely needs rebooted.  I do take mental health medicine because I experience intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and paranoia, also some depression.  I usually feel these things all the time and am prepared to live with it the rest of my life if I have to, but as I said after I PMO the symptoms become a lot stronger and almost unbearable.  Sorry I got off the subject a bit, I wanted to look at some of my triggers.  Being alone.  Also my mental health in general.  If I have a bad day mentally I sometimes either feel like I have earned the right to PMO or just want that relief that comes with orgasm.  That is chemical.  So I am aware that something chemical is happening in my brain because of this addiction and I do have hopes that like any addiction with time this will get better.  Another trigger for me is just being horney in general.  If I see a lot of good looking women throughout the day I sometimes want to come back and PMO because my hormons are high.  Then there is the whole foot fetish thing.  Sometimes I feel like I will never find a woman who likes that sort of thing and I am subjected to treat myself with what the internet world has to offer concerning female foot fetish, which believe me is a lot!

Alright so yea I started around the age of 5.  That is young.  I have turned to PMOing to solve all my problems in life.  It was and is my way to escape reality, which reality for me is bad mental health and a hard world to live in.  I am a virgin as far as real sex goes with a woman.  I have ALWAYS used PMO.  I'm thinking about doing it right now.  Pressing send on this thing and going and doing it.  Oh and another thing about this is it consumes like hours of my time.  I will spend 30-60 minutes just surfing and watching before I actually start touching myself.  Then after I do find a video I like and get off I will surf and build up and do it again.  Hours can just pass me by like nothing.  But anyways, I think I talked about it enough for tonight.  I am going to log off here and walk away and get on my knees and pray.  I am open to any comments, sorry I only talked up to this point.  I need to go pray and go to bed, it is 1:30 in the morning and it is not good for me to be on this computer right now because I dont trust myself.  Thank you and God bless.

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Porn Addiction / What is this "4" by my name?
« on: July 20, 2014, 12:04:57 AM »
is that how many days I been clean?  is that my counter?

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Ages 30-39 / !Operation Reboot Jake!
« on: July 18, 2014, 08:35:37 PM »
Coming soon...

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Porn Addiction / Re: New here, and I need help!
« on: July 18, 2014, 08:29:26 PM »
ya, no sound and the counter thing won't work for me.  i am going to go to the library tomorrow and see if it is different on their computer.

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Porn Addiction / Re: New here, and I need help!
« on: July 15, 2014, 10:45:15 AM »
Thank u for responding to me first off.  Rite now i am in a drug rehab for another problem that i have.  But my sexual problems has always been my first addiction.  Drugs were a way i used to cope against my mental health symptoms caused by my mbing and pornography.  Anyways the computers here dont have speakers so watching those videos wont help me much without any sound.  But anything else i can use and participate in on the site i am more than willing to.  Thanks again for your response and greeting.  It means a lot to me.

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Porn Addiction / New here, and I need help!
« on: July 14, 2014, 10:31:43 PM »
I have been addicted to MBing for almost all of my life.  I am 30 years old and I started around the age of 5.  I am addicted to pornography and fantasy.  My addiction has ruined my life up to this point.  It has caused major mental health problems such as anxiety, paranoia, depression, and obsessive and intrusive thoughts.  I use MBing and fantasy in many different areas of my life.  I use it not only when I am horney, but when I am mad, upset, happy, bored, and so on.  However it is just a vicious cycle for me, MB, feel all these shameful feelings and do it again to stop the feelings.  Everytime I do it, it gets worse.  When I get some time under my belt I find another reason to relapse.  I really need help and am willing to take any suggestions.  I want to start a journal on here tomorrow and get started with recovery right away.  There has to be a better life on the other side of this.

Thanks.

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