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Journals => Women => Topic started by: Objectified1 on March 13, 2016, 05:09:16 PM

Title: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 13, 2016, 05:09:16 PM
I decided it would be good for me to start a journal myself to document my recovery after my husbands porn use.

I am constantly surprised at a few things. One being the constant ups and downs and two being the things I am learning about men, women, people and relationships.

 I was raised in a christian home and so I Was taught (as a lot of people are not), the significance that sex plays in a relationship, about keeping ourselves pure, abstaining from lust etc. While I didn't exactly adhere when I was younger, as I got older I aligned my life more to the beliefs I was brought up in. My beliefs aligned with the beliefs I was taught as I trusted The Lord Jesus Christ with my salvation and wanted to please him with my life.

At no point in my life have I ever been perfect and never will be. I constantly strayed and was stunted in my life as a christian (still am and suspect always will be to a point) because I did not surrender my will and therefore my life to my Lord and Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.

 This event (my husband being into porn and various forms of lust) I feel has been instrumental in drawing me closer to God. Not only am I learning more to turn to him, but I have learned that he is the only one who can and will love me the way I am seeking. He is the only one who can fill the void within me. My husband can be my companion and my partner and can love me to a degree, but I cannot be completed in him like I can be in The Lord Jesus Christ. I am learning that God loves us to much to give us a life of ease. This hurts. This addiction/compulsion that my husband developed drives pain to my core. It hurts in such a way, I can't even describe. When your husband is looking at other women as desirable and (more or less) has replaced you with pixels on a screen and random women walking down the street, it does major damage to your self esteem and self image.

 I am learning that the problem is NOT me. I am learning, through many tears and doubts, long hours, days and weeks of wrestling within myself, contemplation, anger etc that I am more then a body. I am more then a perky pair of breasts and a firm backside. My value DOES NOT decrease when my physical body changes and is no longer top notch.  I was sitting in church this morning and it hit me. I do NOT need to worry about his thoughts or what he is seeing when he is looking at women. First of all, If he is not filling his mind with filth and porn then his views should change. We see what we think (more or less). When you look at that women walking down the street, even if she is attractive, if you see and take note (notice) that she is attractive, there is nothing wrong with that. However, there is a big difference in attraction and arousal. If you see that women and notice she is attractive and it arouses you and you start to think lustful thoughts about her, it is because your mind is not seeing a WOMEN, but an OBJECT. A Sex object for your viewing. Not a physically attractive PERSON on her way to work, with worries on her mind and kids to raise. Or maybe shes going to the grocery store to get supplies because she is having a party to celebrate her graduation.A PERSON. She is a PERSON.

 I am learning that God loves me and ascribes value to me, he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for me, and that no matter what anyone does, says or how they act that I am valuable and I am loved. My value is not tied to my body. I am so much more then a body. I never realized how much I was devaluing myself by feeling disgusted with my body after I found out what he was doing. By hating myself. I am a child of God.

 Men are visual, sure...so are women. We all subscribe value to beauty and that's fine. We should (if we are not filling our minds with filth, garbage in garbage out, and are somewhat mature individuals) get aroused by a combination of our spouses appearance AND the emotions that connect us to them...Women are more emotional them men, yes, but men are not idiots that do not have emotions and in this regard men's arousal's should work the same.  Sure we all CAN be aroused without emotion and purely by the physical....hence the porn problem, but if we are not teaching ourselves to do that it should be happening less and less.

 And one more thing I think I realized that is so important, God will take care of me and my husband. I cannot and will not try to "fix" him. I need to pray and leave things with God. It's how I found out what the problem was in the first place. God cares what happens in my life. He will not only help my husband recover, but he will help me have a complete restoration. When I find myself worrying and fretting about what is going on with hubby, if hes getting better, if he looked at her, does he find me fat and unattractive, does he love me, will he do this to me again, is he STILL doing it now, can I trust him etc....I try to leave it with God knowing that he loves me and will work all things for my good. Not only can God help me but he loves my husband as well, even more then I do and will bring him to restoration as well. It is a work in progress and I do and will fail at it continually, but then I just get before God in prayer, confess my lack of faith, pain, doubt and fear to him and start again.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 14, 2016, 09:29:39 AM
Yesterday was a relatively good day. Very good for a Sunday.
When hubby and I were in the midst of his very staggered disclosure I was expecting our 4th child. Of course his disclosure was mostly lies to minimize or make the things he did less hurtful. In the summer, we decided to attend an event our church was having one Saturday at a campground. My new baby was exactly a week old. I remember telling him that I wasn't sure I should go. I was dead tired (I was induced due to preeclampsia) , my blood pressure still wasn't quite stable and I certainly wasn't emotionally stable. He talked me into going, although at the end he said we would stay home if I wanted. I know he was honestly not meaning to be insensitive. He thought that getting out would help me feel better.
While we were there, he was having trouble diverting his eyes from the 2 young (maybe 19, & 20) girls who were wearing booty shorts (thats what I call them). I of course am feeling pretty crappy about this because I can tell he is having trouble. I decide to go to the van to nurse the baby. I can see him from where I'm sitting. I watch his head follow her as she walks by (locked on her ass obviously). I remember thinking, God, just help me disappear. That hurt me so badly. That was early September.
 For so long after we would go to church we would fight. I always dreaded walking in there after that. Was he looking at them? Was he lusting after them? Even at church their dress is quite provocative. Very form fitting, mid upper thigh, stiletto like heels. I remember sitting in church looking at them thinking. I hate you (directed towards my husband). These girls, I had no feelings of anger towards them. They are young and still don't fully understand what they are doing. Unfortunately when I was that age I dressed similar. 
I have to say that he has greatly improved since then. I watch him like a hawk even though I don't want to...I am better at not doing it lately as well. As of the last few months I have not noticed him looking at them. That day at the camp ground, I remember I cried all the way home. I never told him why, I didn't even mention it till weeks later. I thought I was half crazy.  He DIDN'T just do that!? We were literally in the midst of all the mess when this happened. Lots of crying and fighting and pain, and here he was doing this STILL. I really thought maybe he was looking at the tennis court past her, had to be. He knew he screwed up bad, and he knows how bad this is hurting me right now, he wouldn't be still doing it, RIGHT? Those were my thoughts, but deep down I knew he was.  I was believing him before this point, when he would literally cry with me because of the hurt he caused me and promise he wasn't doing ANYTHING anymore. This was my realization that indeed he was still checking out random women. That hurt. The fact that I was nursing our child while he was at it.
Before all this came out it was just an annoyance that he checked out women, but once I found out he had been fantasizing about random women he saw, that changed everything. I was so insecure whenever we were around any decently attractive females, especially provocatively dressed ones. I still am to a large degree.
This memory has ruined my Sundays for almost the last year. This past Sunday, I have to say, was the best I have had since. It was great. I wasn't insecure about where he was looking and I enjoyed the meeting! I wasn't taken up with what anyone was wearing.  I hope the Sundays keep going like this. I even gave him a kiss WHILE we were at church and I held his hand. And we never fought. Small victory, but it is.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 15, 2016, 11:24:34 AM
I have been good so far this week. It almost seems a lot of weeks, how my week goes, almost hinges on my Sunday. But come to think of it I have had good weeks up till thursday and then all down hill.

I sometimes try to figure out what creates the ups and downs and why such severe ones. I think its a combination of what the triggers are and how my husband reacts or is acting at the time. If he seems distant and then we go somewhere and he acts all strange the moment we are around an attractive member of the opposite sex, or maybe he takes a glance, I think its going to be a pretty low swing. If me and him are doing well, I am feeling good and we go out and an attractive member of the opposite sex is around and he acts all uncomfortable, then we can probably talk about it and I realize I'm just getting triggered and hes not lusting after others and not wanting me etc, or I just ignore it, it bothers me a bit but I can handle it and tell myself its nothing, he loves me, we just have to get over this stage.

Yesterday when he came home he was irritable. From the time he got home till we went to bed he was probably irritated 4 times about something I was or wasn't doing. It is unusual for him. He doesn't usually get irritated. Irritated for my husband is sitting somewhere with a slightly off look on his face. Sometimes he will say something a bit off key but not often. He wanted to be together, which was fine with me. However, after all his obvious irritation through the evening I wasn't jumping at being together. I was feeling kindof hurt. So that turned into a half hour talk and he told me he was just feeling really tired and he was sorry. I was much more receptive to being touched after our talk and being together was wonderful. It wasn't our past sex, and for the most part hasn't been for months. It was really making love.

Through all of this I never once held back on sex. I read that a lot of women don't want to be with their SO sexually when all this is going on and I can see why, but I didn't go that way. I think I went the opposite way. Personally I think it was a combination of pregnancy hormones and then maybe it was habit? I dont know. It's actually part of how I found out about all this crap. I was 3 months pregant and my libido went through the roof. Everyday I wanted to be together. That was all fine and dandy but he couldn't get it up or keep it up half the time. This was march...I never really found out why till 2-3 months later. It was quite frustrating. The one time I Want a lot of sex, he cant do it. In the last 13 months he has now turned me down more then I have turned him down. I can count on one hand how many times I said no. Except for the 2 weeks after the baby was born, so far, 6 days was the longest we went without it, and it was all due to him. I thought, I'm not going to ask or say anything I'm just going to not do anything and see how long it takes. By day 7 I was angry. He swears he never initiated it because he thought I never wanted it. I'm thinking, you can't be serious! He has got to be telling more lies. I never turned him down and was the main initiator for the last 13 months and suddenly I don't want it for 6 days? Made me shake my head.

However to give him the benefit of the doubt and to be fair to him, I had told him at the first of the 6 days that we were going to reset, so to speak, and try to go 30 days without it just to make sure he wasn't still using me to get his fix and that it is indeed his natural sex drive happening. He later told me that he really was taking me serious, and I was serious, till probably night 2.

I have to laugh because I know now when he doesn't want it. It goes like this, time for bed. He almost always makes it there before me. He leaves the door opened (I'm not interested clue #1), and then he also leaves his shorts on, which he never does ( I'm not interested clue #2). Sometimes I think he wraps himself up tightly in the blankets so I cant start it, lol, because once I start it he never refuses. Sometimes I get tired of being the starter. It makes me feel desirable when my husband pursues me, so to speak, and I like it.

There are many ups and downs on this journey but here at 10 months in I can definitely see some positive things. That's all for today.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 16, 2016, 11:15:12 AM
Today I am thankful for my husband. I wish he had of had a better introduction to sex and etc, but I am thankful for him. I love my husband so much. I guess that's why this has been so painful. The thoughts of him desiring others, and I can not, no matter what anyone tells me,  see my husband masterbating to images and fantasys of other women as anything BUT desiring them. Maybe he didn't form the thoughts that he actually wanted these women. I believe he didn't actually want them but he sure enjoyed the thoughts of being with them. That hurts.

At this moment I am trusting him. I pray he doesn't do something to harm that trust. I do realize that the chances are more that he will then that he wont. But I am trusting him and believing that he is not checking out other women lustfully, watching porn and fantasizing about random people.
 I would imagine he sees beautiful women all day long, which is fine, as long as his thoughts are staying pure and he is seeing a beautiful women not a sex object he can consume. Lust harms, lust is selfish. It is desire to take something and use it for our own selfish desires and to our own gratification without seeing the wholeness of the person.
Love however, does not think of its own. Love is considerate and takes the whole person into account. Love or love making is giving and taking equally. It is receiving pleasure as a result and in addition to giving pleasure.
My husband makes love to me lately. I feel such love and loyalty to him when he does this. How can't I? When I can feel him, emotionally and physically, when he sees me when we are together physically, it moves my heart.  Making love fills us and completes us, relaxes us, makes us feel so much better afterwards. When you have taken part in a act of lust, you feel used, not noticed, devalued, the object he used to get his pleasure, unimportant, its usually rushed etc...I could go on.
I am thankful that it is wednesday and as of yet I have not had much in the form of upset or triggers in regards to my husbands past  p use.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: J on March 16, 2016, 12:20:07 PM
Hi Objectified1,

Welcome to reboot nation. I am a woman of faith myself who is on the opposite end, I am an addict in recovery. I am close to 11 months already.

My heart goes out to you, I know it's tough for you and for him. I am not here to make a case for your husband, but to encourage you, because another's person addiction can destroy the family dynamic. My father was an alcoholic. So I am familiar with both spectrums.

When I became an addict, I was already a christian, and the truth is, it is often hard for one to recognize in one's self. When I did acknowledge it, oh man what a struggle to quit. I tried off and on for years and what I realized is that I was still operating on much secrecy. The thing about addiction is that in order to start recovery it needs to be let out in the open. I don't mean announcing it to the world, but getting help.
I hit rock bottom, and wanted to die. That was the moment that I finally listen to what God had been telling me. I went out and got a life coach who is also a therapist that deals with addiction. After that, probably 3 months later I opened up to 2 people: my sister and a very close friend, another woman of faith.

The urges did not stop, but recognizing my triggers helped, and eventually the urges become fewer. They don't go completely away, but they do become easier to control.

The thing about any sin is that in order to stop, you have to stop feeding the monster. You are on point about something, if your husband has not taken steps to help stop his addiction, he will relapse. The period of a relapse is the worst, it's frustrating and very often produces self loathing.

But here's the other thing that comes in handy, it's important that you get support too. And get some help. When ever I was watching the stuff, I didn't desire the men per say,  what I desired was the feeling,  the rush, and the other thing I will disclose is that like any other drug, your body becomes tolerant after awhile. With drugs, you up the doses, with porn, in order to up the doses, you have to up the type of porn that is being viewed. In other words shock factor.

When I look back now, I can't believe I even ever watched the stuff because it's disgusting, it's a power play and the most unnatural form of love, because there is none.

Your faith will not only help you keep sane, but get you through the worse of your husbands addiction. And prayer is the most powerful tool.

So please believe me when I say what I am about to say, I say with the most loving words. As long as you continue to pray, there will always be hope, but this is something that your husband has to surrender completely to God as well. He will not get better until he does and yes it's very possible he will relapse. When he does, it is important that he knows he has your support, but it's also very important that he knows where you stand and your position. Addicts need support but they also need tough love. They need to know that there are consequences to their actions.

It is really difficult at the beginning. Irritability is only one of many withdrawal symptoms. What he will need is to replace the habit with a positive one. Exercise does help a lot but he will most likely have to find more than one healthy habit.

Thank you for sharing your story as well, it's not easy, but I want to encourage you to get help as well from a therapist or someone else you feel you can trust.

When I opened up to my own friend, I chose her for many reasons, but one was that she has experienced sexual abuse in her life and had been around many people that were recovering from problems just like my own. She wasn't one to disclose other people's laundry so I felt in my heart I could trust her.

I hope this helps and I apologize right now if anything said here bothers you. But if it does, don't ignore it. Sometimes the truth can hurt.



Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 16, 2016, 02:24:40 PM
It has been 10 months since we started on this long painful journey of recovery. He has been talking to another man at our church although I'm not sure how useful it will be.  I guess it won't hurt.
I understand what you saying about it being the rush and not the people in the porn that you want. I get that, but in a sense it is the people to me. I realize it is the feelings and associated drugs (dopamine etc)  that goes with it but those feelings and drugs are coming as a result of the other people. The acts that he/you are fantasizing about doing WITH those other people. Its not the acts so much that are getting him off, but the new, different people. He was training himself that different is better than his boring old wife. A lot of men's views these days sadly.
 I most definitely do not take offence to anything you have said, on the contrary. I enjoy to get feedback and other views/opinions on what I am writing.  If it had nothing to do with people, with me, with OTHER's then he would've picked something else to hide in (Alcohol, drugs etc) or he would've fantasized about his wife, but he didn't. His wife wasn't giving him the Rush that those other people were. Like he told me, our sex life was boring compared to his fantasies.
I realize that he could relapse and I still have to deal with that. The thought of it truly terrifies me. I am beginning to trust him to much and I guess that's always a wake up call. I need to put my faith in God and I need to trust that no matter what my husband chooses to do, I have God and I will be ok. He will never leave me or forsake me. I have told him that if he ever deceives me and carries on things behind my back again for years, even months it will be over, no questions asked. If he messes up and tells me right away, if we have transparency and 100% truth, honesty, we can deal with it. It even kills me to say that. I can't bear the thoughts of him even "messing up" again. But I know if I can trust him, if hes not hiding it from me we can probably deal with it. This scares me to say because part of me is scared he will use it as an excuse to do it again.
Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it. Please, give it as much as you like. You might say something that will open my eyes more so I can understand. I so badly want to understand because the fact that I cant put myself there and I cant see myself ever doing the same to him makes it so much harder for me. It is what makes it hurt so much partly. I want to understand. When I don't I am left to assume that he did those things because he doesn't love me, I am not enough for him.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: J on March 17, 2016, 03:39:13 AM
My heart goes out to you. The pain is very real for both of you, which is why I suggested you seek help as well, and not the type of help the prescribes drugs, the type of help that will be an advocate for you and help you know how valuable you are with or without your husband.

I admire you for sticking around and fighting for your marriage, we need more people like you in this world that puts their trust in God. One of the things that helped me was watching a lecture given by Shelley Ludden, a former porn star who has an amazing testimony of how Christ rescued her from her life. She once said that porn stars are people that are suffering and loathe themselves, when we watch porn what really happens is that we become part of their suffering.

That was an eye opener for me. I also learned that there is a high rate of sexual sin along with porn use in the church among Christians. That was a turning point in my life to realize it's a tool of destruction to separate God's people.

It seems you have checked up on a lot of things, which is more than what most people will do. I understand a boring sex life, as your husband may have stated, may have been the original reason he got into watching porn, but I assure you it's not the reason he kept watching. Yes, the rush , but also it starts to desensitize a person. What he may not have realized is that it changes the chemistry of his brain and the view of women. Porn is about submission, a man showing full dominance over a woman.

A boring sex life is something many couples go through at one point or another, but I do wonder if there may have been another underline issue. I am curious, how long had he been viewing porn in the first place?

Stay strong, because you are wonderfully made. And trust your gut, whatever it is God may be telling you. Feel free to ask me any questions if it will help.

 :)
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Warthog on March 17, 2016, 08:08:19 AM

I understand what you saying about it being the rush and not the people in the porn that you want. I get that, but in a sense it is the people to me. I realize it is the feelings and associated drugs (dopamine etc)  that goes with it but those feelings and drugs are coming as a result of the other people. The acts that he/you are fantasizing about doing WITH those other people

But it isn't.  It is simply the depiction of the act itself. It is purely the visual stimulation and resulting mental stimulation.  Look at some of the animated porn.  I guarantee that men masturbate to it and "get off" to such.  I did.  The "women" in those vids bear no relationship to any real female, or even real human. 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 17, 2016, 10:07:39 AM
Thanks Warthog, I find it way to hard to relate. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for something to click and then I'll get it. It is so confusing that it is obviously so different for men and women. Yesterday, it was alright . It was probably my worst day so far this week though. If I get myself into a pattern of thinking or onto something negative sometimes I tend to get stuck on it. Yesterday thinking about if he relapses then had me thinking about if he's even really clean. Is he just using porn substitutes like he was for the first few months? Or what is the REAL story? I need to leave it with God when I'm feeling like that. Sometimes it's easy to let it brew in your mind till you hate him again instead of just leaving it with God. By the time he got off woke I was cranky and not to inviting. I don't feel sorry for him. How long did I go with a live in shell No fault of my own. Any uncomfortableness he has surrounding this is his own doing. Part of what bothers me is his lack of effort. Sure he has put in SOME effort. He has stopped the behaviour, but I'm not going to accept simply stopping. He has to figure out WHY it happened and I want him to have a plan. That's what smart people do. I am an extremist. I'll admit that. With anything it's all or
Nothing  for me. I try not to be like that but that's my usual. I tend to not notice any good he's down and focus on the stuff he's not done. I'm getting better slowly. He has agreed he has to do more. We had a talk last night and I felt better afterwards. If we don't have much of a discussion about issues for a few days I get uptight and I don't even realize it. I always feel better after we talk. I saw a post on here about a guy who had PIED but was not addicted, didn't have a craving for the porn. I always thought because my husband did it
To the point he had PIED that he was addicted. When he quit he did just quit and he didn't seem to have a ton of difficulty. He said he never did and doesn't have trouble with quitting the porn, with him the trouble is just quitting masturbation. To me the two go hand in hand. Plus he also is tempted to masturbate always after a fight. If we've had a fight the night before and it didn't get resolved he's usually tempted in the am. To me that's another sign of addiction, he used it to medicate pain or alter moods. I guess whenever I do have a bad day or I'm feeling down its always because I'm worried about what he's doing or not trusting him. Going on 11 months in this garbage and  finally starting to have more good days then bad ones. I say that now.... We will see how next week is.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 17, 2016, 10:36:28 AM
Warthog, I am going to think about what you wrote. You are saying that it's just seeing  the act, more or less. Nothing to do with the people at all? I guess. I could understand that. That such a simple explanation but makes so much sense haha.
J, he had stated that the fantasizes were more exciting then our sex life but he also claimed that he loved our sex life and etc. I think what happened is once he got into the porn and fantasizing our sex life wasn't as good because he lost sensitivity in his penis and had ED. Well that's going to dampen any sex life! He was introduced to sex through porn you might as well say, and his father even put it on for him and his friends to watch when they were young teenagers. However he rarely watched it once we got married and I truly belied he had a bad relationship with it but wasn't addicted. He started really watching it once we were having financial issues due to his health problems. He felt inadequate as a provider and was stressed about it . He started to watch porn because the orgasm that resulted helped him deal with his day before it started I guess. That was 3 years ago when he started that. I figured it all out as a result of his ED.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Warthog on March 17, 2016, 01:31:56 PM
Warthog, I am going to think about what you wrote. You are saying that it's just seeing  the act, more or less. Nothing to do with the people at all? I guess. I could understand that. That such a simple explanation but makes so much sense haha.

The "dehumanization" of acts in porn is one of the reasons the Catholic church says that porn is bad (in addition to masturbation itself being sinful).  They call it "the inherent dignity of the human person" as being violated.  One that watches porn is SINNING AGAINST THE ACTORS, not just the wife/partner of the one masturbating, because they aren't being seen as fellow human beings....just objects.

And I can understand well what your husband went through, as I pretty much had the same sort of progression into more intense usage...viewing porn "does" give a bigger "kick" than normal sex.  Why that is, I don't know...not a psychologist. It just does.

And it IS a tool that does give relief from stress....I used it for that also.  I didn't have your husbands problem with physical health, but much the same otherwise.  But I can pretty much assure you that it wasn't about "you" at all.

Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 17, 2016, 02:06:17 PM
When I think about him replacing me with pixels on a screen and make believe things in his head I feel intense hate for him. As far as watching porn giving a bigger kick, they say men trade intimacy for intensity. As well, porn may be more intense but it is not more enjoyable if you are actuall making love with your SO. What we were doing then was crapy DUE to his porn use. I wasn't enjoying our sex either...
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: pinkerton on March 17, 2016, 02:11:31 PM
That bit about the catholic view of P being wrong because it is a sin against the actors we see - is one of the most interesting things i've heard. Makes perfect sense, i like that.
 And i saw the thread about the PIED guys who aren't addicted, at first i figured they were full of crap. But it looks like they are right. Crazy how the same things affect us differently.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 17, 2016, 02:39:36 PM
Pinkerton, If you read the covenant eyes blog  there's an article there that actually compares porn to rape. Why? Because there is no a women on this earth who willfully with full knowledge degrades herself and allows her self to be abused like that. Most women are into drugs/alcohol and/or have been abused in some way before porn warping their view of themselves, others and sex. Anytime you commit lust you sin against the other person and that's all porn is, lust. Therefore, when you take part in porn you are contributing to rape. An extreme view but I don't  disagree. The guys in the not addicted thread, I believed it right away and it made me feel better about my husband s story because I always just assumed he was lieing when he said he he never craved the porn. However , I'm not sure what to think, he still has the urge to masturbate. He was definitely if not still addicted to looking at women. He also told me that he never ever edged or watched it longer then necessary etc. I didn't believe him , but those guys say the same. He claims he would just find a video, which wouldn't take him long and then masturbate to it Whicch took him a few minutes tops I guess. He said it was just all about the finish that was all. Good job with your 23 days pinkerton. I hope your thinking up that 90 day success story!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: J on March 17, 2016, 04:16:19 PM
He also told me that he never ever edged or watched it longer then necessary etc. I didn't believe him , but those guys say the same. He claims he would just find a video, which wouldn't take him long and then masturbate to it Whicch took him a few minutes tops I guess. He said it was just all about the finish that was all. Good job with your 23 days pinkerton. I hope your thinking up that 90 day success story!

You know, I really always do try to find the best in people and I really wouldn't want to create any more doubt than what you are experiencing. There are people that are able to stick to their guns and say no. Just to tell you a little about my story, the minute I decided to go off the porn I went completely off. Did not watch it at all, which was hard when I was stressed or having a bad day. Now, because porn does have a very strong impression on the mind, it's very challenging to unthink it. There were days that some of the images I had seen would replay in my head. I would try to stop them but they were very initially very strong. And I will say for full disclosure, although I wasn't watching the stuff, the urges were still there and would sometimes lead to self stimulation. I still have had challenges with that area, but they are no where as bad as before.

I went through withdrawal and everyones symptoms are different, but for me it was irritability, ups and downs, anxiety, short temper, desire to eat more, mind fog, short term memory, and a few times replacing the urges with watching extensive hours of tv or even playing useless games. But here is one thing I will say, they go away as long as you are clean. I don't get mind fog, I have created healthier habits, I am more patient with myself, a lot more disciplined... the point is there is visual improvement and others notice.

What I did was get a life coach and disclosed my story. She helped me to identify triggers and how to deal with them but also got down to the nitty gritty of what was going on and understanding that porn addiction is not the true problem ( I mean it is not good at all) but that it was a symptom of a greater problem(s) that I wasn't dealing with.

Once I was able to see the problem and identify it, things started to get a lot better and suddenly I could see again. She helped me to acknowledge my emotions and not simply ignore them as I tend to do. Also, to practice transparency which is key to communication. The biggest and hardest part was discovering that there is a circle in our own lives that we often try to place people in and in my own frustration I would go out my way to try to help them, when I realized that in that circle I was the only thing in it that I could control, that was very life changing and it was also a habit I had to work on and still am.

My quality of life has deeply improved. Now let me share a little bit of the other spectrum in my own life of dealing with an alcoholic father, (that was not what triggered the porn use, completely different story). For years, my family and I tried to help him. Very frustratingly so. My mother would threaten to divorce him, he would stop for maybe a week, or two the most, then come home drunk. This went off and on for years. I was kid when we noticed and it continued on until a few years back, which I am now in my 30's. What started as a cry to want to help, led to self blaming, what did I do wrong ( and I was a kid) then the older I grew the more I started to hate him for what he was putting us through. Then I left a year after college and wanted nothing to do with him.

There were days that I just wanted him dead, ( I don't mean like to kill him). Just a desire for him to be out of our lives, I didn't care what happened to him. He would go up and then down, on and off like this for years and he never wanted help, wanted to do things his way and wouldn't acknowledge the issue. 4 years ago I had a change of heart and decided to start listening to God. I started writing letters to my dad and in one of them I asked for his forgiveness, for not always being a respectful daughter (cause I said some really nasty things to him a few times). And it made him cry. I told him I forgave him long ago. It was tough letter to write because I didn't necessarily feel that way but I did it because I needed closure, I needed the peace. I also was trying to quit porn and finally understood why he struggled, the difference being I was trying o do something about it. What also changed was I realized I wasn't responsible for my dads choices, I am responsible for my own and I didn't want to end up like him. I also made it a point to let my family know it was time to back off and let God take over.

They struggled a bit more but I finally felt free and stopped worrying about him knowing he has a choice and that his choices are not my fault. The one prayer I constantly had was please don't let my dad die or suffer. Then it changed to God, do what you have to do, but I only ask that he not leave this earth without accepting you into his life and if that means you, God, have to take drastic measures then so be it. A year ago my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's. He had to stop working, and started on meds, which caused him problems. I forgot to disclose he had an addiction to pain meds as well. Double whammy. Since the meds weren't making things more complicated we opted to take him off them and get him on a natural diet. It forced him to stop drinking and taking pain killers, his withdrawal was not pleasant, but he started to get better and better.

The next thing I know, my sister calls and tells me that my father decided on his own to turn his life over to Christ and he told them the minute he did, he felt a relief like something bad lifting off.

That was the short version. I read here lots of postings about how it is for the addict but there is always the flip side. How it is for the family of the addict. For the addict there is physical pain with an underline emotional pain and for the family it's very emotional pain that can cause physical pain. It's hard no matter what side it is period. But it's also hard to do the right thing when there is so much emotion and memories tied into it.

The point is that each person is responsible for their own actions and the addict can fall into a lot of selfish behaviors and victimize themselves. I didn't start to get better until I owned up to what I was doing and I have been an addict for 10 years. My father over 20. I wanted to stop and struggled to stop, my father didn't stop until he was forced to and had to hit rock bottom.

I will also add that I was furious with my mom for many years as well because she said she would leave him and never did. I resented her for not putting in more effort, but in the end God directs my path. Figuring out the problem is key, and owning up to it is powerful. I am not proud at all of having this addiction, because I really felt tarnished for it, but I won't pretend to be a victim either. I had to fight back in order to get better. I did the very things I needed to do to get to where I am. Do I still struggle, yes from time to time, but it's a lifetime process that is getting better everyday.

Support, Communication, are both key, but they have to be backed with action and accountability. As the wife of the addict, you have to guard your mental health as well. And I know some people here may disagree with my position, but after experiencing both spectrums it really does come down to thinking about what's best for yourself, your spouse, your kids, etc. It will drive you nuts, so it's important to pray but also leave to God the parts you cannot do. Take care of yourself, you are going through something too. You definitely cannot change your husband but you can start and work on you and trust God to keep you in check. Your husband has to really want this too and if he does, he himself will decide to put in the effort.

I pray things will work out for both of you.  And know we are here not to judge or criticize. If you are angry, you are angry, plain and simple. It's okay. That doesn't mean you are planning anything rash against him, it just means you are not happy with the situation. If you enjoy reading, there are two books that have helped me as well: The Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts, both by Joyce Meyer.
 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 18, 2016, 09:47:02 AM
Thanks for the response J. You have had quite the journey! Life can be tough sometimes that's for sure. Looks like your doing well, congrats!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 18, 2016, 10:14:51 AM
I wrote quite the message and it didn't post...grrrr. Anyway, Last night night hubby and I had a good conversation. It's always nice to talk about things. At first we were both so touchy and it was REAL hard to talk about. Mainly because every time he said anything it near tore my heart out and I'm not good with that. I'm not sure who is.

He is better at answering why now. Before it was always "I don't know" and even though I realize that he probably doesn't know the answer to a lot of my questions, it would make me very angry. I NEED answers, I deserve answers. Last night I asked him why again. He said to him porn and masturbation were completely separate things to "making love" (obviously so) and that because they were he thought in his mind that it was nothing and he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong. He realizes the difference now. Obviously it isn't nothing when you are putting a wedge in between you and your wife. When you are developing ED and cant make love to your wife, there is an issue.
When we first started all this it took a while to figure out what I was feeling even. Most of the time I didn't know what was bothering me or why. I would get up and go about my day, upset. He is very quiet in the am. Very. But it reminds me of how he was back then. Him being quiet in the am's would upset me greatly once we started trying to recover. He would leave for work and then we would spend most of the am texting/talking on the phone. Me, are you ok? What's wrong? are you still doing stuff ?Are you sure? Are you upset? Sometimes he would drive the hour and a half drive back home to be with me if I was upset. I appreciated it greatly. I didn't ask him to and him doing it showed how much he cared.
So now he sets two alarms 15 minutes apart, (hehe) and cuddles with me for 15 minutes. I love to lay with him before he leaves with his arms around me. It is SO nice to have my husband back. He kisses me a bunch we don't even have to talk and I feel great when he leaves.
 He hates to talk in the am. I was thinking about it because this am he talked to me, quite a bit. And we were both up making breakfast. It was nice and different.
I love my husband, Thank God we are getting rid of this porn garbage. I pray that God will keep it out for good.
He also stopped locking the bathroom door in the am. The am was mostly when he used to do stuff and he is the only one up in the am usually. It gives me peace of mind. I know the chances of him doing stuff with the door unlocked is slim. I know, I'm horrible, but a wife needs reassurance, soooo most mornings I check to see if hes done anything. I am pretty sure he has caught on....haha. When he comes in to get dressed for work I wait till he is undressed and then play around with him for a min or two to see if he gets an erection. When he does I'm happy and then I leave him hanging till the evening HAHA. I know if he had an orgasm 5 minutes previously it would be tough getting him to have an erection, been there already. Never again.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 19, 2016, 12:10:45 AM
Just feel like writing. Today I went grocery shopping. By myself. You might think to yourself, AND? You wouldn't think that if you had four kids. It's the first time I went out on my own In A while. It was quite boring. However by the time I left I was feeling quite crappy. It's really not that lovely that I now (since my husbands various forms of lust have surfaced) cannot see an attractive or provocatively dressed girl without feeling very unattractive. I don't even know what it is, I guess it's lookin at them and thinking that my husband would lust after them (this is subconscious). Which oF course then feels like they look better then Me or he wouldn't have to stare at thEm when he has me. I am angry and feeling quite hateful towards him by the time I leave the grocery store. Why do women wear these skin tight clothes? And you always see one or two with so much skin showing you wonder why they put clothes on at all. I am fretting about the spring/summer and it is my internal clue that I need to get on my knees before God. I'm thinking if I feel this bad in the middle of winter and most of the woodmen are putting all their clothes on, how will I rep come spring and summer when half of them are going out mostly naked? This is driving me mad. Even being like this is driving me mad. I was never insecure like this in my life and it infuriates me that he has this power over me. I feel like my weakness is him when his weakness is OTHER women. Ouch. Growing up I was always a small girl. 5' 1", 100-110 lbs and I had no issues getting a man. I chose him. I guess in a sense that stings. I feel like I chose him because I thought he loved me like I love him and now I'm not sure he does. Now I'm, of course, the same height, But 150 lbs after 2 kids in 3 years. He makes me feel fat and gross and ugly. He swears it had nothing to do with me, whatever.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gabe Deem on March 19, 2016, 04:57:33 PM
Glad I dropped in here to read this (Sorry to hijack your journal Objectified, I just wanted to quickly comment on this)

Quote
Warthog, I am going to think about what you wrote. You are saying that it's just seeing the act, more or less. Nothing to do with the people at all? I guess. I could understand that. That such a simple explanation but makes so much sense haha

For a porn addict Warthog is spot on about what is bolded above. This is what I've always tried to explain and point out when I say a partners "attraction" has nothing to do with their partners porn addiction. If a porn user has become sexually conditioned, and desensitized, it becomes more about scenario and fetish, than it does about who is in the video clip. Anime is a great example, there are tons of addicts who are not even watching real people. There are addicts like myself who was watching porn with girls I consider far less attractive than my partner, yet I was seeking and searching for clips to shock me and give me a bigger neurochemical rush, so I ended up watching genres of porn I once considered repulsive, like "facial abuse" and "gang bangs" which I have never been interested in in real life and would never consider.

And to Objectified1, keep your head up, and keep healing. I hope the best for you! Much Love
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 19, 2016, 07:04:35 PM
Thanks Gabe.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: pinkerton on March 21, 2016, 07:05:11 AM
Totally feel for you on going to the store with 4 kids. That's tiring.
  I tried so hard to get it through to my wife that it had nothing to do with her being unattractive or less attractive or me wanting other women. I thought if i could just make her 'get it' then she would be ok. But sometimes what we feel doesn't care much about facts. Especially when they are being told to us by someone that has lied to us. And maybe the fact that it had "nothing to do with her" is hurtful in itself. She was left out.
 I know it will get better with time. And my wife doesn't look like she did when we got married, time and babies change things, but i still think she's beautiful and sexy. I'm sure your husband feels the same.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 23, 2016, 08:36:12 PM
Recap on my week. Sunday was not a great day. Certainly not like last week. I swear he still is looking, and if I were to listen to I my head I would most likely be right. It's so hard having someone you love lie to you continually. Your heart wants to believe them, your whole being wants to believe them, but you know from recent evidence (try the last 3 years), it would Almost be stupid to do so. It's part of what makes it so hard to trust him. He tries to make me believe I'm almost seeing things. No, he wasn't looking up that girls skirt that was bent over unknowingly showing off her whole Backside. Now, this is the man who has admitted to me repeatedly that he went out of his way to look and find women to look at it. Now he's telling me that yes he was watching her try to get the toy from the 2 fighting children and no he didn't at first notice that you could almost see her whole backside, when he did he turned away. Nope, don't believe you hubby.  Anyway, as a result (there was one or two other times I suspected he was looking) my day turned out pretty bad. I was irritable, cranky and upset. I know I have to leave it and pray about it. I know it's up to God to change him. I know I can trust God to look out for me, but it's so hard. Who likes to think about being deceived AGAIN. God cares about me, much more then my husband and he cares about my husband much more then I do. I need to continually keep God in the forefront of my mind. It's so easy to get bogged down by this stuff. I am dreading summer when all the girls are out in their next to nothings... Sigh. GOD, Leave it to God. So when I got home from church Sunday I called my dad who knows all about what's going on with me and my husband right down to his ED. My dad is a Christian with a strong faith. While he agrees that what my husband did was wrong and hurtful, he doesn't fully comprehend the extend of the damage this can do & has done to me and us. He of course feels that my husband loves me etc etc... He feels that men can lust after others AND love their wives . Anyway, I find when I discuss it with a real live human, he is literally the one person I have ever discussed it in person, I get very emotional about it. I do sometimes when I write on here as well but when I talk about it out loud I feel the pain as if it was yesterday and all the other emotions that go with it . Talking to my dad and crying on the phone, some of the emotions I feel very strongly are, hurt, anger, humiliated... That's a big one. I feel very humiliated That my husband did this to me. I feel like such a fool. And it seems when I speak it out loud it's like ripping open a raw wound. So when I got off the phone we had a bit of a discussion but not huge. All week since then I have to say it's been a rough week in regards to my husbands issues. I have been suspicious all week. To be fair he is causing it in my opinion. He is unusually quiet. Which just has me in a paranoid state. When he was doing all the stuff he was doing he was overly distant and quiet a lot. So now whenever he's quiet I'm upset. So we had Sunday and then him being quiet Monday and Tuesday. He swears he is just tired but I strongly feel he is keeping something from me. I'll tell you one thing, I won't go through this again. If I am not worth it to stay away from porn then I'm not
Going to be here. Addicted or not, I don't care. I actually don't think he has a strong addiction anyway because he quit just like that. Although he says it's not the strength of the addiction it's what his relationship means to him. He claims he didn't see anything wrong with it and didn't think it was affecting our relationship but once he realized it was he quit. Which is not totally true. He knew it was affecting our relationship long before I knew, but he refused to stop till I knew about it. Anyway, I will spend time in prayer and reading which I have been neglecting this week. Could be part of the reason I am allowing this stuff to get to me more.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 27, 2016, 03:08:10 PM
What a day so far. It's beautiful out. Joggers in skin tight spandex pants everywhere. Every time I see one i cringe inside. Makes me feel so ugly. Makes me angry. How dare him compare me to every female that walks (isn't that what fabtasizing about other is doing more or less)! Why marry someone to dream about everyone else?! How in the world can't you think this is going to hurt your SO? Really? Oh yes hubby.. You saw a girl on the street today so you went to the bathroom when you got home and masturbated, ultimately having an orgasm to the thoughts of doing/ being with her in various sexual positions/ ways. Have NO IDEA why that would upset ANYONE?! sorry, but this Doesn't sit right with me. I can't, don't and won't believe that he never thought that would be hurtful. I notice he wasn't discussing his fantasies with me. Why is that? Why wouldn't he tell
Me he was doing this if it's not hurtful and he never thought it would be. I think the reasons are obvious. It's hidden because it's OBVIOUSLY hurtful and it's the same as cheating in my mind. Where does cheating start?! In the head... It all starts in the mind. I am tired of feeling like crap beside him. I am mad today because I am SO sick of this! I am SO sick of going places and feeling like the ugly piece of crap beside him while all the desirable ones are out there. I feel like he's forced to be by my side. What is it? The kids? The fact that it would be too uncomfortable to change his life? Sick of this! I want to feel special to the man I'm with. Chosen. I want to know that he CHOOSES me. He has made me feel so ugly and valueless and at times I feel intense hate for him because of it. One of the only things that stops me from trying to just start again is the fact that I am a Christian. I am accountable before God for the things I do. I know that he wants me to stay with my husband and if I intentionally go against Gods will it will end up worse then the alternative. I believe Gods will for me is always what's best in my life. At times it is hard though and i really don't want to do Gods will. I think to myself, I can't do this. The nicer it gets out, the more I think, I can't do this. I am not spending 90% of my summer feeling like the ugly duckling tieing him down. The only way to do it is through God. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God.." I have to do that EVERYDAY. I have to seek him first. What an immature and selfish thing he has done. Sometimes I can't believe how immature he seems. I'm thinking really? I married a child, an oversized child! When life gets tough and things arnt going his way, instead of looking for a solution or trying to find a way to make things better or maybe focusing on his family he spends his time in childish self absorbed fantasies that give him a false ego boost. Pretending he's better if only in his imagination. And the way he chose to give himself a ego boost... Through sexually satisfying my Sisters and other random women in his fantasizes?! This is what makes you a man?! This is what makes you a great guy. Your special
Penis powers?! My how our world is screwed up! Men don't take pride in being a hero to their wife , or children, or being a good provider or a child of God. No, I am great guy if I can demoralize myself and other women and put more pegs on my bedpost. The more women I screw and ultimately pleasure (which by the way, is about making HIM feel good really, not her), the better I am? How twisted. Meanwhile, your wife, who really loves you is alone. What's for your love and attention and can't get it because it's caught up in women you have nothing to do with. HOW RIDICULOUS! I pray that God will help me get through this summer, day by day, with my family
Still in tact by the end of it. I have also considered leaving him for the summer but then I think, if I leave for the summer, I might as well stay gone. It's stupid. If I can't stand to be Around him when there's any women that's fairly attractive or provocatively dressed something has  to change. I need to pray. Prayer helps. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: punctual doer on March 27, 2016, 11:24:14 PM
Hello I'm a 21 yo (soon) male and I 'm pretty touched by your last post.
I'm going to give you some advices that can help your husband or you as well.

I suggest you a stupid simple stuff called karezza that could drastically improve your relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6jOp7XmjGY
And also do the "Sexual Transmutation" by Napoleon Hill: thinking about your goals and use the sexual energy to reach excellence.  Actually, semen has really important nutrients for the body and its "retention" will definately improve it (I experienced it after 2months clean from M/P in May 2013 where I met my biggest crush).



Here's my personnal tips:
1_Buy a big beautiful copybook.
2_Buy pens.
3_Entitle your copybook's cover "TOMORROW".
4_Take 10 minutes to write down your daily tomorrow plan between 5AM and 9PM.
5_I suggest you to include at least 5 hours of workout per week.
6_When your to do list is 70 or 100% complete at the end of the day, write in red the things that didn't work or that need to be improved next time.
7_Do this every single day.
8_Also if you can, cross a calendar to know the progress you've made.
Keeping a streak like this will improve your good-dopamine pathways (and will destroys the junk-dopamine ones).

WARNING: It is very simple to do. But you have to choose constant commitment over constant novelty. You'll may be irritated or frustrated at first, but then it will be good trust me. ACT RIGHT ON TIME is your mission now. It is so simple to do and ironically very tough. So get ready for that daily tomorrow plan.


AND ALSO, set your goals with a deadline to reach them (5-10-20 years from now for example). Precise your wildest dreams as much as possible, set gradual goals (or "ideal points") in order to feed the gap between your current situation and where you want to be. Step by step.

Get educated with tons of books and videos and audios and pictures on the Internet. Don't forget to GO OUTSIDE and feel that crowd pressure and social anxiety,  it is another good-dopamine pathways remedy. You'll find yourself weird first, but you'll laugh after a while.


I suggest you to follow hollywood star Terry Crews on Facebook or youtube because he dealt with PMO addiction too and now sober for more than 6 years with his wife and kids  he managed to get back, he revealed his learning in his "Dirty Little Secret" video series on Youtube also. I'm reading his book "Manhood" also, powerfull and inspirational.

Full responsibility, being thankfull and laser-like focus are the three keys.


God bless you.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 29, 2016, 11:27:40 AM
This week so far isn't turning out to be much better then last week. However, my sunday was good, as far as I can remember. I have the feeling like something is up. He swears there's nothing. Everything is great, he's not doing anything, he's not lying to me. I can't believe him. I want to but he has told SO many lies through all this that all I can think is, yea, but remember when I was so hurt over all this that I could barely function and you were lying to me THEN. He feels distant, different. He is looking at women more again, it's not in my head like he tries to convince me. Gaslighting they call it. Plus, he is having trouble with his ED again. It has never fully went away yet anyway, but it seems to be getting bad again. He is tired a lot lately and we are fighting, if that's what you would call it when I tell him how I feel and he just looks at me, upset about it. I guess it's more accurate to say we are stressed lately. I do notice it seems to affect his ED when we are stressed/fighting. I don't know why though. It never did before. But I suppose we never really fought before because he never expressed himself. He just kept quiet and probably PMO'd.  :-\  I want to believe him, so in the meantime I will leave it with God. He allowed me to see the issue in the first place, he wont allow it to go on again behind my back. Praying for a better week. I want to have a better week then I have had in a long time. I will have a better week, I will make it a better week then it has been in a long time.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: pinkerton on March 30, 2016, 12:33:16 PM
Hey, hoping you Are having a better week. Take care
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 30, 2016, 03:20:28 PM
Thanks Pinkerton.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on March 30, 2016, 11:03:21 PM
Today was better to a degree. Must have to do with last night. We talked a bit about everything and me feeling like there is something up for the last week or two. He was nice and actually seemed to be listening and concerned about how I feel. Whenever we talk he tells me how much he loves me and he says that I mean everything to him. How confusing. He says he has no desire to go back to PMO or M. Occasionally he gets a temptation To M but that is a weekly habit he had since he was a young teenager, so it is understandable. The dangerous part is he uses it to alter moods though. He is always tempted in the am, if we fight and don't resolve it that night. It's not normal to use sex to cover up other things or mask uncomfortable feelings. Sex is meant to be a loving act between two people. The masturbation never bothered me either. Me being the naive wife I am, never suspected That he would be doing it to porn or fantasies of other people. That is the part that hurt so much, although in the end he was taking from us and Chosing it over us as well. How sad when pretend fantasies and pixels on a screen are better then the real thing. After we talked I felt way better. If I am feeling so bad and he actually sits down and has a discussion with me I feel so much better. He said he felt much better after we talked as well. He finds it emotionally exhausting when I'm stressed I guess. Try being me honey, try being me. I don't mean to stress him, but he is the cause of all this. His actions got us here. I noticed a difference in him this am. He got up, made breakfast and talked with me too. Unusual for him in the am. I was happy. He seemed a lot happier this morning. He said he didn't realize he wasn't talking as much lately he has just been exhausted this last week
Or two he's not sure why. He has sleep apnea so I think that plays into it. Plus lung issues, bb's getting up through the night etc. I don't blame him for being tired. I told him, talk. Just talk and things will be much better much quicker. Communication is key. So, I am still somewhat suspicious and don't 100 percent believe he's been up to nothing but time will tell.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: hoopvol on April 01, 2016, 07:19:26 AM
Hi Objectified1,

You are so right: communication is the key. When we both were on this forum, it helped us talk about certain things. It fed our conversations, so to speak. He stopped posting after a while and now I think, it's because he was already slipping. It fits the timeline. That's the moment my posts turn a bit sour, so unconsciously I sensed what was going on. But when do you share your doubts with him? To me, that's always a difficult question. When you're wrong, it sounds like an accusation. Or he may take it the wrong way: I'm doing the best I can and still it's not good enough. And you don't want to put more pressure on him, which might set him back. I chose to ignore my gut-feeling and it turned out I was right. But I waited till I was absolutely sure. That was the moment P found its way into our bed: in stead of making love to me, he was having sex. And still it was hard to bring it up.. it's like fearing you are very ill, but you don't want to see a doctor, cause you're afraid of what he will tell you.
I don't know you or your husband, so I can't give you any answers to wether he is up to something or not, but as you say: time will tell. My husband reached the point of no return: he knew he wouldn't be able to stop without help. He knew, that soon, he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore/he started to realize, I already saw the signs.
I wish you all the strength you'll need (and wisdom)
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 01, 2016, 11:50:08 AM
Thanks Hoopval. :) <3
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Trustandnewbeginnings on April 04, 2016, 07:07:58 AM
Thanks for directing me to your journal, Objectified1. I see plenty of similarities in our stories, and as much as I hate that any of us are going through this, it is comforting to read your thoughts and feel that I am not alone. Their porn addiction makes us so lonely, having the one who is sworn to be your partner in life turn their back on you and leave you on your own without saying a word, for you to figure out on your own in the dark. It's good to have found others that share this path, it is terrifying stumbling through the dark on your own but as soon as you know there are others in the same predicament it certainly makes the pain and fear a bit less.

At one point in your journal you can to the same conclusion I did, that God will continue to show you the problem and to put faith in that. Years ago I would have thought that a foolish idea, but now I have opened my eyes and realized I wasn't discovering things on my own. If anything, I was getting in my own way by looking the other way and suppressing those suspicions into the "back closet of my mind" and to a certain extent, enabling the behavior. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the times I have caught him have been by God's will and not simply dumb luck.

I hope your husband is simply tired and that is the cause of his behavior and your suspicions. If not then I hope he comes to you with honesty or you are shown the issues soon so your time worrying is reduced and you can start moving forward once again. In the meantime, keep your head up and find peace to go about your day.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 04, 2016, 09:06:00 AM
Thanks trustandnewbeginnings.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 04, 2016, 11:00:18 AM
Yesterday was not a good sunday, at all. Probably one of the worst I have had in a long time. The same old same old, and he didn't do anything wrong. Just being with him around people who are dressed in less then a tent makes me so insecure and makes me think of what he did. I realize he can't help that. I need to get over being bitter that he caused the issue. I need to move on. How do I move on? How do I push back all these feelings or hurt, rejection, insecurity and move on? I get caught up in it. That's the biggest problem. Life is way to short to be stuck in this and to let this run our lives. If I am to be honest and not let my anger speak, I truly believe he is repentant and that he wants us. I truly believe that he wants me...I wrote and loves me, but then I deleted the "and loves me" part, because I REALLY don't know that he does or ever did. I guess I want to think he does, I think he does but I don't truly believe it.
 Satan will try to get us down. He wants one of two things, one being our soul, and if he cant have that, if we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our saviour and take our place as his child and accept our spot in heaven, he then wants to take my happiness. The devil is always happy if sinners are happy on the way to hell so as not to think of where they are headed or saved individuals are miserable on their way to heaven so to not influence others of God's goodness and joy. Also he doesn't want the christian to enjoy anything.
To answer my own question, how do I get over it? When I really sit and contemplate it, there is only one way and that is through God.
Psalm 28:7
 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
It also says in the bible that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

I am weak and failing because I am looking at the problem and not to him (God). I am looking at the problem and at self. And at hubby. It is our natural tendency to look to self, but God wants me to look to him.
The verse that I got saved through says it all
 Matthew 11:28-29

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

Oh do I need rest. This was needed for salvation and it is also needed to be a conqueror in this life.

Romans 8:37

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
 
Isaiah 40:31

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

This is the missing link. I need to bring it to him in prayer and leave it there. EVERY TIME I feel insecure, EVERY TIME I think he is doing something that will hurt me, I need to leave it to God. Not to mention prayer and reading my bible. I will admit I have been slacking and I have not been putting sufficient time into it. I feel it. I am weak minded, so to speak, I let these things get me down, I forget to keep God and eternity in perspective when I dont renew my mind with the word of God.

God wants us to have happy prosperous lives. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be good influences to others. He wants us to show the Glory of God on earth. He would have us do that by leading happy successful lives. We would lead happy successful lives by sticking close to him.
I want to bring Glory to God with my life. I dont want to sit in this stink pile and wallow. I am sad that I did that yesterday. Each day I waste is a day I can't get back. God help me make use of my days. HELP me live like TODAY is all I have. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Help me lead others to be strong and bring God glory. DON'T allow me to lead others into despondency and despair. I have a God bigger then any problem I can fathom. The God of this universe is on my side.
Romans 8:31
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
Psalm 27
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I will not let the devil take this day and I will not be part of his schemes.
1 Peter 5:8

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Psalm 51:12-14
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 08, 2016, 10:36:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvdf9CxIcNE

All the tears of all of His children
Just like the ocean our Father holds
He sees the burdens
He sees the struggles and every fear
Even my own
So many things I don't understand
But He is God
And He knows all of it

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 2]
From the borders where the nations war
To the battles inside our homes
From the streets where the orphans cry
To the loneliness inside our hearts
In the place where I am
Shore to shore
Every land

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 3]
From the moment when my mother died
To the first breath of my baby boy
I felt God
He was with me then
Through the heartache and in the joy
Yes, every tear that we cry
God is with us by our side


[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
I'm gonna run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

My whole post just suddenly deleted. Shoot me.

Anyway, In short I was writing about how I was thinking yesterday that there will never come a time that I will be able to think of what he did and it wont hurt.
I am hoping that in time I will be able to think of it and not feel extreme hate for him. I am sure it is not good for our relationship or us that I intermittently feel hate for him. It is hard to know that this will always hurt. I feel like there is damage done to us that can never be repaired. We are damaged goods now.
I was thinking of how horrible it is going to be the first time we go home to see my family instead of joyous like it should be. I can imagine that everything I have felt to date will be magnified by 50 or more. I have avoided my sisters for months (calls, texting) because they are living reminders of what he has done. I feel like he has put a huge wedge between me and the people closest to me. My relationship with the people closest to me is damaged because of him.  I will feel hurt and humiliated so much more to be in their presence. How will I hide how I am feeling? Can you imagine if they knew!? How embarrassing! Makes me want to leave him on the spot. If I wasn't a christian, I wouldn't be here. It feels like I am degrading myself and devaluing myself by just staying with someone who has done these things to me. But I know God feels I should forgive and if he is repentant that I should stay. If he is willing that I should work it out. It is SO hard at times. A lot of the time I feel like he isn't doing near enough to gain back my trust or make me feel loved again. I also feel like hes still doing stuff behind my back. I cant trust him. I hate that. It makes me so angry. I cant get over feeling cheated and I hate it.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 08, 2016, 04:45:11 PM
So I have decided to really work on myself. It really is the only thing I can focus on and guarantee results. I have been listening to audios while driving.... As a man thinketh, the power of positive thinking, Andy Andrew and the 7 decisions etc. Today after listening to as a man thinketh I had a ah ha moment. When I decide that my value lies in other people's actions and opinions I am giving up my power as the person who controls myself . so I wrote hubby a few texts, and I feel better. The thing is our thinking becomes habitual. We don't even realize, for the most part the automatic dialogue going on in our heads. When I allowing someone else to determine my worth I have to snap out of it and remind myself. That's not true. You are a child of God and regardless of what others say or do your are valuable.

So here are the texts I sent hubby :
Just thinking about things that happened and my reaction to them. Although my reaction is natural for someone in my position I'm really going to work at fixing it. It doesn't matter what you do. My value doesn't change. My value doesn't change by your perception or anyone else's of me. I am valuable today and when you value me and I am also valuable when you don't. I am attractive whether you think so or not. I am as attractive today as I was before you insinuated I was no longer attractive by the way you acted and treated me. What you do or don't think can't and never will change what I am or am not. I am valuable no matter who see it or chooses to acknowledge it. I need to treat myself that way and realize that my value doesn't change by your actions.

He says : That is very true. I want to show you how much I value you.

Me: My value also doesn't sit in my looks. I am a person that holds value as an individual. I have something to offer the world. I am not my body. I don't gain or decrease value as my physical appearance changes. I can't believe you made me feel that way or that I allowed you to. It's your loss that you dont see that

He replies: I don't want it to be a loss. You mean everything to me. I want you to see that. I love you.


I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: pinkerton on April 09, 2016, 11:25:14 AM
Thank you! I try to get that through to my wife sometimes. No luck yet.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Trustandnewbeginnings on April 09, 2016, 12:59:59 PM
"I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value."

Wow, thank you. I really needed to read this. You really hit the nail on the head, I need to accept this truth for myself. I feel like this is a huge step in the healing process. Thank you for sharing, this is honestly one of the best posts I've read on the subject of the partner's recovery!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 09, 2016, 02:15:54 PM
Trustandnewbeginnings, those are very kind words. It is 11 months in for me in this process and has taken a lot for me to get to this point. It is also a matter of correcting the automatic thinking that happens in my brain. I write that, which is the easy part, but now I have to go back and remind myself of it OVER AND OVER, day after day. If I am not conscious of the dialogue going on in my head, before I am even aware of it, I am once again back at letting his actions determine my value. At first I didn't even realize I was doing this.

Pinkerton, it is extremely hard to actually accept that. I think we all natural allow others to contribute to our value subconciously if we are not careful. The consequence of this is of course that they can then subtract from our value as well. Your wife does we'll to just accept that you did it and continue with you. :) of course that is not meant in a mean way towards you.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 01:01:05 AM
So, tonight the topic of my sisters came up. Yep, not good. I realize from time to time that I avoid topics for weeks or longer because they are quite painful. This is one of them. We can graze the topic but get into a full fledge discussion about it and it's never good. I want to know why. Why would he fantasize about ALL my sisters. How could he do that to me? How could he get up in the morning (for over a year too), go have an orgasm to the thoughts of doing/having sex with my sisters and then come turn me down because you just screwed my sisters instead in the bathroom. Give me a kiss goodbye and say I love you. What love! Why???? I wish I didn't know!! I feel such intense hate for him whenever we discuss it. It's not even just that he did it but he did It for over a year! Behind my back. How can I EVER trust a man that could do that??? What kind of guy can do that and look me in the eye everyday and say i love you? I have never felt so much anger, hurt, humiliation, hatred like I do when we breech this topic. I start to think im over it to.. Well not over it, but getting better. Then I realize it's simply that we haven't discussed it in any detail. I am so sick of all this!! So sick of it. I am tired. Tired of hurting, doubting. Being angry. Hurt yes. I want to leave it all behind and walk away. How much easier would that be?? Over trying to trust him again and get past this. There are times that I wish he wasn't repentant . Then I could leave. Yes I do believe that I am not my own, therefore the choice is not mine . It is Gods. I am bought with a price and even thought at times I feel like this is killing me, I have to do what God would have me to do. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin. Even cleanse him from this sin. How do I forgive him like God would have me to do??
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Warthog on April 13, 2016, 06:16:31 AM
Not knowing how strong the family resemblance is between you and your sisters, but it is not unlikely that the same things that attracted him to you also attract him to them.   That was certainly the case with my wife (and yes, I did fantasize about her sisters).
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on April 13, 2016, 06:37:24 AM
I think the issue is that our issue is our men have not chosen us.  They have hijacked our intimate life for a make believe life.  And when it is a relative that is part of that it makes us really feel we were not good enough.  In the beginning my husband said very mean things.  It was like he was possessed.  Those were the hardest to get past, and they still affect how I do things and view myself.  We have to believe it will get better.  But sometimes it feels we are doing ALL the work on the emotions of the relationship.  It is as if their physical recovery is more important.  It feels we are not enough or they view us as not enough.  For me it was like that saying, If God seems far away, better see who moved.  I wanted to say, everyday, if your wife seems far away, better see who moved.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 08:22:53 AM
Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! How low is it to be fantasizing about yout wife's sisters for over a year while sleeping beside her etc. There are how many people in the world and he couldn't have at least respected that ?? And he didn't just whoops, Shouldnt have gone there, move on, kindof thing. Nope. He purposely continued it for over a year. What does that say?! And I do realized that porn and addiction can make us do things (make them) that they normally wouldn't or have change in Tastes etc... But when your fantasizing about something for over a year there must be something there that really does it for you. Makes me sick. It shows me that there's no limits for him. There's nothing he wouldn't do. He is obviously the kind of person who, if no one knows about it, it's game. His lack of concionse is downright scary. It's one thing to be fantasizing about people other then your wife but her sisters?! And for over a year?! Unreal. It really doesn't matter why he was attracted to them. To see someone as attractive is ok. Nothing wrong with it. But it's obviously crossing the line plus some to be then turning that into fuel for your orgasms. Full blown lust for, of all people, my sisters. I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better ??? Anyway, my night was ruined. Of course, couldn't sleep. My day is already ruined today because it was there in my head when I got up. I need to read and pray. DONT play into the Devils game, but how do I do otherwise ??
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 09:34:50 AM
It is well with my soul,
Here's my heart make it whole,
For you I live,
In you I dwell,
Oh my soul,
It is well with my soul


This is the only way to heal such hurt and pain. It is for my Lord and Saviour. I need to look to him for my recognition, significance, meaning, love etc. I cannot expect that my husband can give me what only God can give. I have to realize that any man on earth will not be able to give me pure, unconditional love as God can. God knows I am hurting and he doesn't condemn me for that. He sees my tears and he knows my pain. He is here to help and I need to constantly turn to him. He is teaching me. Through this pain he is teaching and leading. He is saying, come to me. Your husband, the world, no one can heal your pain. Noone but me. The battle is real. God give me strength to forgive him and not be hateful and bitter.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL80hXwyAac&index=15&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Warthog on April 13, 2016, 10:32:14 AM
Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better ???

Whoa....complete misunderstanding on your part.  What I am saying is that he is possibly attracted to the SAME things in them that he was attracted to in you.  That was the case in MY "problem". 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 10:48:03 AM
All 4 of my sisters? I highly doubt it. There are worlds of differences in the way we look. Sorry for the misunderstanding and thanks for clearing that up. That actually made me laugh....lol. Of course I would think the other way....haha.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 11:13:07 AM
These songs give me comfort. The only thing that gives me comfort is God. Thankful that I have a relationship with him.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the *leper’s spots [*leopard’s]
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38EVco7eba0&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q&index=29&nohtml5=False
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 13, 2016, 07:35:13 PM
And yes, Gracie is so right. It hurts that he didn't chose me. It's most definitely much worse that it's my sisters. It feels like such a betrayal. I should be able to trust him with and around the people I love. I was telling him personal stuff about my sisters personal lives and I feel as if he took it and used it against me. You can bet I'll think twice before I share anything with him ever again. I used to share everything with my husband. Not anymore.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 20, 2016, 07:25:44 PM
Haven't wrote in a while. There are some things I would like to make note of. First of all, because I have been subjected to my husbands issues and, in my opinion, mental illness, I have more or less become mentally ill. I have realized in the last few weeks that I actually have become an objectifier myself. Of course I am not Looking at women sexually  to get turned on or use in my fantasies but I rate all the women I see. I look at their bodies and not their faces. Some of The women, I don't even know what their faces look like. I am always looking to see what their butt, breasts etc look like. I am always on the look out to see where the objects he looks for are. I guess it's like always scanning for the threats. He claims he doesn't look and doesn't want to. He also claims that he isn't tempted anymore to look. We're taking about a compulsion he has had since he hit puberty and it's been a year since he supposedly started trying to stop and he is now all better? No, I don't believe it at all. I have to now heal myself. I have to leave him to God and I have to look for healing for myself. I need to pay attention to my internal dialogue. I need to be the master of my mind. I need To control my life and that starts by controlling my mind. He has already taken so much from me with this and I am allowing it by letting it set my moods and etc. I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy my children and I even want to enjoy my marriage. To do that I have to control my mind. I can and will chose to have the life I want. To enjoy the life I have. How much control will I give porn and my husbands poor choices? I will put in a full effort to not allow it to control me anymore. I need to make a full effort to love the life I have because it's the only life I have and it's a gift.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 21, 2016, 03:04:51 PM
It's a great day to be alive and as Zig Ziglar says, "if you don't believe that just try missing one of them." Today I will make use of this day. I will bring glory to my God and creator. God did not create us to live low, deflated, defeated lives. No, he created us to thrive and be successful and that's just what I'm gonnea do!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 26, 2016, 04:27:33 PM
I had a bad few days, maybe more.... Allowing myself to entertain negative thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I find it starts and before you even realize it your deep into some negative mind pattern. I want to be positive. My life is what I make it, I truly believe that. I am the only person I can control. I truly believe that. My experiences will be felt differently depending on how I percieve them and react to them. I tend to be verbally abusive when I am upset. I logically know this isn't the way to go, and I don't like making my husband feel crappy and as a result feeling crappy about myself. I love my husband I want to show him that. What will abusing him do to better the situation? The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration. She is positive, giving, loving, interesting, smart, outgoing, determined and when I see her coming the thoughts are always...... Yes! It's her! Oh I needed this! Some fun... Some enjoyment..... Etc. She just puts me in relax mode and brings a smile to my face always. She's never negative. Life is always la de dah in her world. I will work at trying to be that to others. My husband seems to be getting better and better for the most part. I feel bad for him at times, he takes my abuse well. Later when I say to him, because I always do, even though I know it doesn't "fix" it", I'm so sorry for bringing you down like that. I tell him, I know the Things I said are not true. When I'm angry it's so easy to paint you in the worst light and I'm sorry. He says it's ok, I know your hurting. And I say, it's no excuse. Two wrongs don't make a right. I want my husband to honestly feel like by choosing to marry me he made the best choice in the world. I want him to feel like I give him everything he could ask for. Even in the face of all of This. He took so much from us with his porn and fantasizing.... I doubt it will ever not hurt. But he says that he wants to give me the same. Why didn't he before? I know what it is. He turned inward, and when we turn inward all we are doing is thinking of us. Nothing positive ever comes out of selfishness . He became number one to him. He put himself above everyone and everything and indulged his selfish desires. When we think of others and put them first. Not only does it make them happy but it deeply satisfies us as well.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: pinkerton on April 27, 2016, 11:38:39 AM
Excellent post Objectified1
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on April 27, 2016, 11:51:26 AM
Thanks Pinkerton
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: J on May 02, 2016, 06:00:10 PM
The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration.

Hi Objectified,

It's good to see that you continue to write your thoughts here. Specially during the tough times. There was this section of your post that made me think about some of my behaviors in the past. And respectfully not comparing, your anger in your situation is very much normal and you are trying to come to terms with the whole situation.

Me, on the other hand I would just blow up, and that was on a regular basis, for no reason many times. I would react. Then I started to see my own pattern, and like you realized I had to change my thoughts. But don't beat yourself up either, you know I admire that you acknowledge that in yourself and I think that's encouraging to everyone.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on May 02, 2016, 09:19:55 PM
Thanks J.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on May 27, 2016, 09:57:28 PM
So it's been a long time since I wrote in here. I'll be quite honest in this post. Hubby and I have improved dramatically. I see more of a difference in the last month or two then I have in the last 12 months combined. Thank God. My trust is growing. The pain is less although if I allow myself to dwell on it, of course, it still hurts. I don't think there will ever be a time when thinking of my husband getting sexual gratification from other women won't hurt. And rightfully so. He made a promise to me when he married me and I believed him. I trusted my husband and I shouldn't have been made to feel like a fool because of that. When I mention what he did he is remorseful, he is helpful and he is being increasingly more thoughtful towards me. He has apologized many times and does often. He goes out of his way to make it obvious that he is not looking inappropriately at other women. His effort to be thoughtful towards me of as of late has made a huge difference. He has stopped being defensive when the subject of porn and the things he has done come up. That makes a huge difference.
I have stopped writing and visiting the forum as much because I feel it is now holding me back if I am on here surfing, so to speak. I read the stories and etc and it gets me down. I find it depressing.... I find a lot of the men's attitudes depressing and downright nasty., not all but a lot. I don't want porn on the brain all the time. I don't want to constantly think of and be reminded of all the bad he did. I have to move on. So, for the most part I am done on this forum. It definitely was a help at first. It helped for me to vent, to get others opinions and to hear others stories. It helps to write out my story. I may come on from time to time to update if anything significant happens but I think I'll keep it to that.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Tomte on May 28, 2016, 03:17:50 AM
I'm glad things are getting better for you and your husband.

All the best!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on May 28, 2016, 09:40:15 AM
Thanks Tomte
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on May 30, 2016, 08:26:55 AM
I get what you are saying Number 1.  I too struggle sometimes.  A lot.  The reading and posting gets me down sometimes as well.  So many men do not want to include their wives in recovery.  But I always come back thinking if I can help one wife or one husband, it is worth it.  But it is tiring to see that the interest seems to be getting an erect penis again.  How do I not look and still get an erection. 

I told my husband after we started working on this, people use the phrase, "If God seems fear away, better see who moved."  I told him, "If your wife seems far away, better see who moved."   

If only the men would see that.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 01, 2016, 04:59:17 PM
I hope that I don't offend anyone on here by this post. I am simply writing this to keep a journal of my moments, as I would put it. I mean no harm, quite the opposite, I hope to be a help. This was a message I wrote someone and I don't have the time to rewrite it all so I just copy and pasted it.

I guess I would like to share a bit of why I was going to stop writing on here. The overall mind frame of most of the men bothers me. I feel that this forum has really opened my eyes to what kind of men become or are porn addicts. You have given me a reason to believe that they can change. I  I guess it hits a nerve and maybe In a sense my decision to stay away from here because of it is hiding. I'm not really sure about that though lol. I see, overall, that the men who take part in here have very self entered attitudes. They are mostly immoral And immature and they feel Sorry for themselves so much so that there wouldn't be enough room for their wives to do it if they wanted to. They are turned inward... Even the feeling sorry for themselves constantly, it's a symptom of selfishness. It bothers me so much because I never really ever saw my husband as selfish. Oh I realized he could be selfish here and there... So can I. We all have a tendency to be selfish once in a while. It's not good but it's common. But this, to me, hits the height of selfishness. He took our sex life into his own hands and was lusting after everything else that walked and (in my Opinion) pretending to have sex with everything else that walked to the point that he could no longer be with me. Just to write that hurts, incredibly. I never realized he was that selfish. It makes you 2nd guess everything. How could I miss that he is THAT selfish??!  Another thing this does is makes me feel incredibly STUPID. How didn't I see that he was that selfish? How didn't I see what he was doing to me? Why didn't I pay more attention? I saw some things and stupidly chalked it up to his usual laziness. Now I realize that even his usual laziness was his selfishness. It's like I missed it from day one? What is wrong with me???Now because this happened behind my back for so long and I didn't know I am constantly on guard and almost always fearful that he is deceiving me onsome level still. What was he thinking when that girl with yoga pants walked by? Before it never really bothered me when attractive females were in our presence, but I had no idea how his mind worked then. Now I know. So now, it's always, is he wondering what she looks Like naked? Did he just look a little too long at her? Will he remember what SHE looks like later?? And most of all There's the fear of being "the fool" again. I was the idiot at home missing him while he was out looking and fantasizing at everything else. I actually just realized and continue to realize new ways, that I have not realized yet, that this affects me. I was missing my husband while he was at work yesterday and I was feeling Bad about it. And I thought why is this giving me such a bad feeling? It's because I felt like such an idiot when I found out what he was doing before while I was at home Missing him. So now, it's almost like I'm scared to miss him! I'm here missing him, but what is he doing?? Well that turned long. I think I'll write about that in my journal Today because it is a new discovery. In short.... It makes me think of what he is because of this porn thing, and it really bothers me. I don't like to think that he is even capable of that level of selfishness but he is.

I am thankful that God is changing my husband. He is changing and getting better, but I hate to think that he CAN and is capable of being what he had become. I have to remember I am as well....I don't understand it and maybe I wouldn't do it in the same way, but even if I see my flaws as better they are not. They are all the same stink just a different pile. I have to remember God is my all and all. He alone can give me what I want and need. This is so easy to forget. It is easy to keep going back again and again to depending on people. "Whatever my lot, though has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." He draws us in through pain. He draws us closer in our pain and hurting. We connect as people through pain. We deepen and we grow through pain. Pain is necessary to help us see through the superficial things in life. The things we think we want but will only bring us pleasure, selfish pleasure and won't ultimately be good or deeply satisfying. I guess one of those things could be porn. Many things are like that in the world. God help me to keep him ever before me. The Lord Jesus Christ humbled himself and became a man. He came to this earth from heaven. For me. For us. He paid for this sin that I am suffering for now and he paid for all the sins I commit. I owe it to him to leave it to God.I need to leave it to God and to say in my heart, Thank you God for forgiving my husband for what he has done to me and than you for leading me through it. God has forgiven him, who am I to hold it against him? Am I to tell God that he is wrong ? By harbouring a bitter resentful attitude that is ultimately what I am saying to God. I am saying "God, YOU may forgive him, but I disagree. That is not the correct path to take." God's way's are always higher. God grieves for us. When we do things wrong or when we reject him or his ways he grieves. Not because we have hurt him but because he realizes the happiness we forfeit with our actions. He realizes what we could have if we would just trust him without reserve and give it all to him and what we lose by not doing so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw3zIA1NJU0  -  This song makes me think of how this has effected me. This storm....God is the only hope.

Song Title - Eye Of The Storm
Artist Name - Ryan Stevenson
Album - Fresh Start

When the solid ground is falling out, from underneath my feet,
Between the black skies and my red eyes, I can barely see
And when I’m feeling like I’ve let down by my friends and my family, I can hear the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When they let me go and I just don’t know how I’m gonna make ends meet
I did my best now I’d scared to death that we might lose everything
And when a sickness takes my child away, and there’s nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You, I trust you Lord

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
 

 
Thank God for his unchanging love. I could never express my gratitude and the joy that flows from having a relationship with God my father. It is beyond anything I have ever experienced. Thank You to everyone who has and is continuing to help me on this journey. I will pray for you all.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: malando on June 02, 2016, 05:27:26 PM
Hi Objectified1,

I don't know if I fall into your category of disgraceful men or not, but I thought I'd say a few words if you don't mind?

You are right, P use is a very selfish, even narcissistic endeavour. It doesn't start out that way, it becomes that way - like death by a thousand cuts. It's not always that people are just wired wrong and go for bad stuff. People are drawn into P for many different reasons. I think for me it was partly due to damaged confidence I got as a youngster in a very harsh family environment. The point being that reliance on P can stem from a very basic need - not just because somebody is a lech or a sex-maniac.

I think you are stuck in the anger phase to some degree. People can sit there for a long time - even if they experience moments of warmth toward their significant other. I suspect that even if your husband has admitted his selfishness and committed to lifelong change, you have some way to go for this anger to dissipate. Your brain needs time to recalibrate after an almighty shock. But what you are responding to is a past event that may bear little resemblance to the man your husband currently is. Try to keep a current inventory of how he seems to be. If you hold him to his past behaviour forever, you will not move forward ever. That would be a terrible shame for the both of you.

We P addicts have been guilty of great selfishness, it's true, but we are also capable of great change. I acknowledge what I've done, and it's because I know that, I'm ultra motivated to change it. I want to respect my wife and daughter to be a man they can respect above all others. I want to be a great example of decency and dignity for my little girl, because I know how important fathers are to daughters in terms of shaping what they expect from men. I must succeed and I will always put their needs before my own from now on.

And since I reached my epiphany about 7 weeks ago, I honestly don't desire other women. I don't want to touch them or have them. There is a practiced circuit in my brain that misses the rush of viewing P - it tempts me at times just to feel that old rush, but I don't desire to be with another woman. I now only focus on my partner when we make love. I'm grateful already to this place because I feel it's bringing me back to an authentic place where I really appreciate the women who I share my life with.

Please keep an open mind about the change potential of even the most selfish man. We can change - if we want to. Try to see things as they are, not how there were and how you fear they might be. I hope the peace of mind you seek and deserve will come your way.

Best Wishes.

PS - your posts have helped me to understand what my actions might have been doing to my partner. It's invaluable to get a female perspective here on the forum - so thank you very much for that insight.  :)
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 02, 2016, 06:39:40 PM
Malando, thanks for the response to my post. I really enjoyed what you had to say and I think
You said it well. You are not one I was referring to. I wasn't really referring to anyone in particular.... Just the overall atmosphere/ content of most journals and posts I see. I had to think about what you said a bit. Angry.... Hmmm.... I am not in a general state of anger if that's what you mean. I still have anger that it happened, sure, and I don't see me ever NOT having anger about it. I feel that's normal. As long as my anger isn't harmful or hateful. I think it is perfectly normal and ok to be angry about some things. As far as my anger being a negative thing. I do still have days/moments when I am angry in a not so good way with my husband. They are way fewer then they used to be and my anger is a lot more manageable now. It's not out of control. I can be thankful that my husband stopped viewing porn as soon as I really found out (once he actually admitted it) but he never stopped fantasizing about others. He stopped each thing once I knew about it. I guess me knowing seemed to give him the ability to stop. I am quite angry still I have to say.... I don't even know how to get rid of the anger or like I said, if I ever will. This will always have an effect on me. Always. I think I subconsciously stuff my feelings/ brush them aside. I don't even reqlize I do this. Not till i start to talk/write about it, which in turn forces me to think about it. Once I start thinking deeply or for any time period on the topic, all those feelings start to reappear. I am somewhat better at handling them now. I am surprised that they keep Popping back up with almost as much intensity as at the start. Maybe sometimes I just need a break so I avoid it. I avoid here, I avoid thinking about it as best I can and I avoid talking about it with hubby or anyone, which he seems ever happy about. If he was smart he wouldn't be though. Stuffing feelings just makes them come out elsewhere. Anyway, I hope you stay away from it for good. :)
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on June 03, 2016, 09:41:49 AM
Objectified, I get what you are saying.  Sometimes I have noticed that my anger is at myself.  Why?  Because I let myself be taken in by a liar.  I believed him, I believed in him.  I believed he was going to adhere to his marriage vows.  I felt stupid when I found out.  How could I be deceived that way?  And then sometimes I feel the anger is at him. He disregarded me and my feelings. I was heartbroken.  Torn apart.  What happened to him?  He only had to give up looking at naked women and not touch himself.  Where is his heart broken?  And once we talked at the beginning, he was like, " Okay the past is the past let's move along"  Yes it is the past. But it came damn close to ending our marriage.  I am now hypervigilent.    Any change in his words or actions and I worry that it is coming back.  And I am that way because I missed the signs the first time around.  It hurt so keenly that I know I cannot do it again.  So I am oversensitive.  But it is about preservation of myself. 

Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 06, 2016, 12:32:07 PM
Gracie, wow, do I hear you!! I could restate your post word for
Word! Thanks for writing. ❤️
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: stillme on June 17, 2016, 09:36:27 AM
Thanks for posting your journey toward restoration. It has been helpful to read. I posted my own ten steps toward my recovery as the wife of a porn addict in the other forum, and reading your journey has really helped.

I think the biggest thing I have learned since finding out about my husband's addiction is that "I" need to get selfish. He has absolutely committed to change and I believe that he will eventually beat this, but my concern cannot be whether or not he beats PA. My concern must be on my own recovery and the damage done to me in finding out that my husband has been consuming and addicted to porn for five years of our marriage.

All the hurt, all the anger, all the pain you described is what I felt. Don't get me wrong - he feels guilty. But, the guilt only came after I found out and he saw the absolute way his addicted devastated me to the absolute core of my being. He didn't realize his inability to have sex with me for years was a result of his porn addiction - he thought he just "lost interest". While he was pleasuring himself to porn for five years, he never thought about me laying in bed alone and confused and wondering why my husband didn't want to be in bed with me. His guilt is deep and real. He is committed to changing, including pursuing counseling and therapy. That is all well a good, but that can't be my concern at this time. The absolute only thing I can concern myself with is fixing me. If after I am fixed, after I am whole - he is recovered and ready to be a real husband and treat me the way a wife should be treated, that will be wonderful. If not, that will be okay as well.

I realized I needed to selfishly focus on myself when my husband entered the normal stage of recovery of the flatline. As I read about it I saw this might last days, weeks, months, or even years. Finding out a part of "recovery" is a loss of interest in not only just sex, but also intimacy was devastating. Heck - a lack of intimacy was how I found out about the porn addiction to begin with! What feels like "progress" to him is just me realizing that I don't get the emotional support or intimacy that I craved whether is is actively using porn or actively trying to recover from his addiction. At this point in his life, there is nothing he can give me but a recovery from his addiction. He is fighting this with everything he has, but that means he has absolutely nothing left over to help to restore me. If I don't get completely selfish in regards to my own recovery - I will simply whither on the vine and die, at least emotionally.

I too have noticed on this forum that very few married people concern themselves with how their spouse is doing. They report whether or not they have morning wood, report whether or not the feel horny or have libido, report whether or not they could get fully hard without fantasy. I have yet to see a daily report on whether their spouse appears to have any joy in her eyes. They don't report if she seemed to smile without force. They don't keep a running tab of whether or not she appears sad or depressed or lonely or ashamed. There is a forum of here of literally hundreds of men supporting each other through the journey. Where is a spouse to turn? There only seem to be a handful of us here. We are guarding our husband's secret and keeping it from family and friends - which means our normal channels of support are gone. While there are a host of communities all over the web there for men trying to reboot - even weekly Skype sessions and emergency apps when they feel a relapse coming on. There is no emergency app when I feel disgusting and repulsive because I am lying naked next to my husband and he has absolutely no interest in my. There is no app when I feel lonely and hurt and ashamed that instead of some supermodel taking my husband away and getting his time, attention, and energy - it was just pixels on a computer screen. There is no built in counter to track the number of days I can go without feeling like a fool for not realizing my husband was masturbating to porn in the office while I was wishing desperately that he would come to bed and hold me in his arms.  There is nothing. So, I have to go against my natural tendency - my tendency to want to love him and support him and help him and be there for him and turn all that attention to myself. Because if I don't help myself I will continue to sit here in a broken heap while he has literally hundreds of other men rooting for him and supporting him. Every time I search this forum and others looking for support - apart from the one or two posts from other spouses, I feel like a failure all over again. I feel once again tossed to the side and feel like nothing.

As much as I hate selfishness, it appears that will be the only thing I can do to save myself. The one thing I absolutely hate and despise in my husband I have to dig down deep and find in myself - I have to think only about me. I have to be concerned only with my well being. It was a hard realization to come to, because I started this journey solely seeking how to help my husband. I did, we found the names of what he was dealing with "porn addiction" "porn induced erectile dysfunction", "delayed ejaculation".  I helped him find what addiction was all about and the changes and I helped get him started on his road to recovery. But, I must jump off of his recovery train and find my own recovery train. If not, I will simply be doing to myself what he did to me for five years - ignoring my needs for love, respect, attachment. I have been wallowing on the edges of despair and I find myself dangling on the cliff of depression. What good is it for our marriage if in a few years, he is a recovered porn addict and I am a depressed, angry, confused, bitter, self-loathing shell of a woman? I must focus on my own recovery while he focuses on his recovery. I hope is that our trains meet up again one day, we both get off our our separate trains renewed and ready to dedicate ourselves to having the marriage we always wanted. I understand there is a risk that I will get off my own train fully restored and there will be no train meeting me with my husband. His train may have derailed or it may have gotten to the station earlier and he decided to move on. There is also the possibility that when I get off my train, he will be sitting there waiting on me. His healing may happen faster than my own, and he may actually patiently wait for my train to arrive. I may get off my train and if I hear his train in the distance, I may in deed decide to wait for him - I don't quite know at this moment. The point is, if I don't get on my own train to recovery, there will be nothing left to save - not just for our marriage, but for me.

It is terrifying going into the unknown. But the reality is, the known (his years of porn addiction, PIED, etc.) is so horribly devastating for both of us - our only chance for this marriage to be saved is to shoot for the unknown. My heart is breaking, but I am looking at this as a remodel. Sometimes you have to do some demolition before you can turn something old, tired, dysfunctional and even dangerous - into something new, and beautiful, and valuable. I am scared out of my mind and shaking to the core, but I know it is our only hope. We have children that we have to think about as well - a loveless, emotionless marriage is not what I want my kids to grow up seeing as normal. I would rather they see a healthy marriage or they realize that sometimes people have to go their separate ways, but we will always love them. My husband is doing his part to save himself, now I must do my part to save myself. And yes, reading the stories of the men on this forum has done a lot to influence my decision. Addiction recovery is a very selfish endeavor, recovery from hurt must be as well.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 17, 2016, 11:45:46 AM
I appreciate where Your at. I understand how you feel. It's quite hurtful, the whole ordeal. I don't agree with your overall strategy though. I hope it works for you, I don't feel it would for me. A selfish mind frame got him and us into this mess a selfish one won't serve us ever, even to get us out of this mess. Yes we do have to focus on our own recovery but not to the neglect of everyone else around us. We all (husbands and wives) need to find balance. Caring for yourself and recovering from this is not selfish. Not being the one to navigate his recovery is not selfish. He is a full grown man and while we will be here for parts of it, we are not responsible for their recovery in any way, shape or Form. I think as women we are natural givers. Especially to our loved ones. When something like porn addiction comes in we are thrown off our centre because we were doing as we should've been, loving and giving to our mans while they were taking and deceiving us at the same time. Making us feel stupid and foolish for giving. Focusing on your recovery is not selfish as long as you are not taking from others unnecessarily to do it.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 17, 2016, 05:03:51 PM
Things were bothering me quite a bit today. So I had a talk to hubby. Now I feel better. I am so thankful for his patience. When he is patient, (which he has been immensely and I fully expect him to be, after all he caused it,) it really helps. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I can once again go to him and talk out how I'm feeling. There are things about being on this forum that bother me..... All the "he's addicted, she should understand" and " she should support him's" really bother me. She should be no part of his recovery whatsoever unless she so chooses to be  and she definitely can't support Him in his recovery, at least not many women could. Not really. In order for her to support him in his recovery she has to once again put herself to the back burner and ignore her hurt and pain. She can't support him in recovering from a self induced addiction that has tore her apart & their relationship apart. It has taken the only thing that made them different from every other two People in the world and ruined it. It has taken their intimacy and made it nothing. I know that couples often have children with more then one person, but I don't believe it was meant to be that way. Creating humans.... It was most definitely meant to be an act that set two people apart. We literally share a part of who we are with our spouse. We open up to them as deeply as we possibly can when we truly make love. Any two people can have sex.... But it wasn't meant to be that way. If there was nothing wrong with porn and watching porn then it wouldn't hurt like this. It wouldn't cause such insecurities and issues in your spouse. If there was nothing wrong with porn and masturbating to people other then your spouse it wouldn't render your manhood useless and make you unable to make love to a real person or even have sex. If there is nothing wrong it doesn't harm... In any way, shape or form. You can make love to your wife every day and you won't suffer any ill side effects. As a matter of fact it will strength the bond and connection between the two of you.
 I feel bad for my husband as this whole thing unfolds. Because I am beginning to truly believe he never realized he was doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. He was brought up with a father who used to put porn videos on for him and his teenage friends to watch. His mother was there and just laughed about it, so of course he thought, it's just fun. It hasn't hurt my parents. Look it's fine. But we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. His parents didn't communicate. Barely if they did. They're level of intimacy was very low and their relationship seemed one of just being there. Live in's. I say to him now, is that what you want for your relationship? Do you feel that their relationship is an example of what you want? He says no. He never thought of it that way then. Just because there are no obvious problems doesn't mean it's what you want. I don't want a live in for a husband. I want to have joy, passion, a life partner. I want someone to share my highs and lows. I have expectations of him and I want him to have expectations of me. So you may not see the obvious damage from others doing the same thing, but that means nothing. These women that are ok with porn they have no idea what they could have without it. I think of it like this. If all you've ever experienced is a man and relationship stunted by porn, you don't know the difference. If you've never made love you don't realize it when your not. I often think that and say that to hubby. I ask him, how do we know when it's better? How do we know when it's "right?" I personally feel that when we both feel good. When we are both completed and bettered my the things we are doing, then it's right. Not just sexually, but relationship wise.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: TresBienEnsemble on June 18, 2016, 09:55:36 AM
Stillme...I think the best thing you can do for yourself is find someone to talk to...if you can't talk to a friend or family member at this point then you too should talk to a counselor/therapist. It is a long and winding road with emotions all over the place but you and your husband are off to a good start and it will take a concerted effort from both of you to keep it moving in the right direction.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 20, 2016, 04:40:19 PM
Stillme, trebien says it so much better then me.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on June 21, 2016, 09:29:18 AM
Stillme,

You are absolutely right.  There is not much support for women.  We have a handful here.  This is the best site for help and support that I have found.  As you have observed, the women's stories are pretty much the same.  The feelings we all have are very similar.  And I wish I could say that the uneasiness goes away but it does not.  Once this betrayal has happened, without us knowing, we are forever vigilant for any change of any sort in our men and the relationship.  We look for reasons.  We thought "forsaking all others" meant forever.  We thought it meant forsaking all others in thought, word and deed.  And it shakes us to the core when this happens. 

The men in forums do not talk about noticing their wives much except to note that they are cold fish, sick, not as attractive, pay to much attention to the kids, and when the woman finds out, they act like a crazy woman.  It would be nice if they talk about concern for their wives, noting that their wives are sad, pensive, broken.  But they do not.  If not for the physical effects of porn, almost everyone one of them would not be here.  They do not come here to fix the relationship, they come here to get their penis working.  They do not realize if the emotional connection is not repaired, and their wives become unbroken, the sex ain't gonna happen.  They need to give us time and help us heal.

Continue to come here for support, we will give it.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 24, 2016, 12:10:41 AM
Honesty, you want honesty? I believe that even online a lot of us, including myself at times, try to reflect a certain persona. We don't want to be truly known or heard. We are always hiding. We get criticized for who we really are and how we really feel. I think about that and I figure, your
Going to be criticized no matter what you do, so BE REAL. Stop wasting your time and life pretending and be so real it hurts. SO real, your in unframiliar territory! Then , make that your framiliar. Your use to. Sometimes I see the reboot nation symbol on my history or wherever and I cringe. I hate to see it. Sometimes I don't want to see my husband anymore. I guess the way I feel for  the most part these days, is, sure, we now have a relationship BUT, it's like sand. There's no security there. I was thinking of that today and one thing it had showed me is, I may have no HUMAN I can really trust. But there is one, one waaaaayyyy better then any human could be at their best that I CAN trust. He is never changing. As he was yesterday, he is today and he will be tomorrow. The one who sent his one and only Son to die for me on Calvary's cross.  The God of this universe. He has answered so many of my prayers as of late. It amazes me and I and so thankful and grateful that he lends his ear to me. Of all people. I don't deserve anything from him but yet he gives to me. I know God is my all and all and I know he wants me to accept this. I know he is way more capable then any human but I feel that I am Greving the loss of it in my husband. Did I give him to much? Why was I so naive? Was it wrong? IS IT wrong to have faith in my husband? If he can be my one and only, why can't I be HIS one and only? Is it REALLY true that because men appreciate the female physique they can't control whose physique they're appreciating ?? Is it really true that my husband had to continually struggle to be committed to me?? I feel like he had been contaminated so badly from the time he became a man that it is now ingrained in him forever. I feel that the man I love can never have true love for me because he had learned that women are there for his sexual gratification not to be his soul mate. He has learned to look at a women and evaluate her butt, legs, breasts etc. I feel that if we are anywhere and he sees a women dresses
Provocative or similar that it's automatic that he sees her as a sex object for his pleasure. I know this may not be the case and I pray and am Praying that God will help me to see it how he would have me to see it but I am having such trouble shaking this. Anyhow, this too shall pass. 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 25, 2016, 11:18:23 PM
I am starting to feel like I need to set guidelines/rules for myself. I need to sit down and write things out for myself. For example; If I am having a bad day and something happens, I MAY NOT allow it to take me back to his porn use days. I MAY NOT allow it to suck me into the thinking, "well, he's not changed. He's obviously the same old guy. How selfish was that? Is he into PMO again? Maybe he's back to fantasizing! He's never going to get past himself enough to be a thoughtful husband. He is never ending, no fixing him, flawed." Which is what I did two days ago. My husband chose to be very thoughtless and do some very selfish things and I chose to allow it to take me in that direction of thinking. Correct action could have been. Once I had calmed down, maybe the next day, with no kids in sight, sit him down and have a talk. Express how I am feeling. Ask him, why did you decide to do that?. When you chose to do that it made me feel like this. What is wrong? what is going on in your head? DISCUSS IT. I find that the last few weeks I have been regressed I guess. I'm not exactly sure why. I have to figure it out. I think it is me reacting to him and the way he has been. Lately he seems to be short and selfish more then he had been. He seemed to be getting better in that regard and this past week or two it almost seems in a lot of ways that he is not. I then start to think of the things that he did and I feel negative towards him. When he is extra thoughtful it almost cancels out what he did and helps me replace the negative feelings with good ones. I remember why I fell in love with him. It seems like (overall) its such a chore for him to go out of his way to be thoughtful towards me and for me. I wonder why is it so hard? How come, for the most part, he only does those thoughtful things that are easy to do? That take no real effort on his part? I mean, if you really love someone, and you really realize that the things you have done has tore them down and apart, shouldn't you put some considerable effort into trying to regain them? In showing them your worth their time? Sometimes I wonder, am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting way to much out of him? Then I think...Nope, no way. He is not going to get away with doing the bare necessities here ever again. I am worth more then that. We are worth more then that. If you want to be lazy and barely put effort in then you should be single. We got here, I got deceived for many years, because I passed off his laziness as OK. I don't want to pass it off as ok and allow things to go down the tubes anymore. 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: hoopvol on June 27, 2016, 01:08:55 PM
Hi Objectified1,

I can so relate to you post!! I think we depend too much on our partners for our happiness. If he would only do this or say that.... When he doesn't do the right thing (or does the wrong things) we go down that same cliff again. I hope, that eventually I will be able to trust him enough again to believe he won't do anything that will make me unhappy. Until that time I must take care of myself.
Try to see the positive in little things that happen to us each day as well. We're sometimes too caught up in all the negative thoughts, that we don't see them anymore. I had to teach myself to go through my day overnight and search for those positive things. Not just in your relationship, but it can be anything. It helps you to get your feet back on the ground. There is still light in this darkness.
It makes you stronger and maybe it makes it easier to do the right things (communicating....). Remember, we have a lot of healing to do and it takes time.
I really hope you'll feel better soon!!!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on June 27, 2016, 08:16:28 PM
Thanks for the message hoopval. There's definitely is a lot of positive as well. I think that's a fantastic idea to try and dwell more on and look for the positive.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 13, 2016, 02:45:01 PM
Things have been up and down. Some things have been better and some things haven't. The other night me and my husband were together and it was wonderful. Our sex has been better and better for the most part. There's barely any sign of his Ed. When it does happen it is always obvious that it is performance anxiety. And it usually only lasts a short time. We take a break , get a drink of water, concentrate on other aspects of love making other then penetration or his penis, and get back at it and then he's usually better. He told me the other day that he now realuZes him freely checking out and thinking sexually about other women kept him from being as close to me as he can be. He doesn't know how or why he just knows it did. I asked him why he thought that and he said because the way we make love now is amazing. I don't think it's been that good in the 14 years we've been together. I can tell and he confirms that his physical feeling Is also much better then it's ever been. He says he feels connected to me in a way he never had. I was happy to hear it. I try hard but I can't help but also feel so sad about it all. I feel like he robbed me of so much over the years . To be fair he was only being the way he always was. The way he was brought up. Neither one of us realized  how much we were losing. I followed suit and allowed it because it is accepted in our society. Any women who raises a concern or gets upset over her husband lusting over others is considered to be insecure. I should've listened to my intuition while we were dating. I actually refused to date him for over a year because I didn't like how he checked out other women. In the end I chalked it up to me being ridiculous, insecure etc. Now I realize I was right. Look at where we're at now. I was right and my intuition was correct. At the moment I am struggling. I find it hard no matter what he says or does to believe anything. He seems to be doing well.... At surface level anyway. I haven't really noticed him checking out any women as of late. Our Sex life seems great but I'm still Leary. At the moment I guess my thoughts are, he doesn't love me and never did. Oh yes, he had a love for me. But there are many different forms of love I feel. I red an article the other day that talked about love and the kind of love that lasts. It said how love that lasts and keeps marriages together is not A feeling but a choice. It's a choice to put our SO first. To chose them even when we don't feel like it. As we put them first we actually can recreate the "love feeling" as they call it. When were young especially as women we get fed this fairy tale. Mr Prince Charming is going to come sweep us off our feet. We will make a life with them. Children, a little house with a white picket fence. We are his one and only and he has eyes for only Me.... Etc etc. While men are at the same time taught, sex is about me. Women are to be wanted and desired for their physical. It is manly to be with many women and they're just insecure if they don't like me looking etc etc. Two total opposite stories. No wonder there's conflict. We as women are taught to expect the lovey dovey. What a wake up call real marriage is. The lovey dovey quickly fades when he's comparing you to every women who walks the earth still. When he still has the menu in front of him, drewlling over it because he hasn't truly made his choice yet. I can see why the choice you've already made is no longer inviting when the other choices are always being entertained. I have no idea how we are still married to tell the truth. If it was me and I was living our life like that, I would've been long ago gone. Why would I want to be with him when I busy looking out there as if Im still single?? Anyway, I have to pray about it and pray that God will help me work it out. He says he loves me but in my definition of love, what he did doesn't for in there. To me that's not love nor is it possible if you truly love me. Do i have to redefine what love means? Have I always been wrong? Has my experience with love been wrong? When I fell in love, I stopped looking. Sure, I noticed and still do notice attractive Guys. But I don't think sexually about them. They barely stand out if they even do from the non attractive ones. Why would I need to think sexually about him because he's attractive? Anyhow... Can't wrap my head around it.... Just can't.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on July 15, 2016, 01:14:30 PM
That is difficult to deal with.  My husband frequently says he "drank the Kool-Aid".  I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that for years in our marriage he choose someone else "to have mental sex with"  whenever he wanted.  He made a choice about our sex life without talking to me.  He had sex 4 or 5 times a week without me.  I had sex 1 time a week with him.  So there he was 6 times a week and I had only 1.  I had a surgery that occurred about a year to year and half before D-day.  He was so into it (his was Cinemax late night) that I literally was alone during my recovery.  He used my physical condition as he rationalization.  I would come home from work and go to bed.  It was because that was all I had energy to do.  I was too tired for makeup and was just happy to bathe and get clothes on and go to work.  I was like a pet.  He brought me food.  He tucked me in.  And then went and watched.  At one point he watched while he was in bed with me.  I wasn't quite asleep.  So he said he did this to "spare" me from sex.  So the choosing went on and on and I was not a choice.  I have told him that the thing I remember most was the extreme loneliness during my recovery.  I felt so alone.

I still have to talk about my pain to him.  If I don't talk, I cannot function.  He listens and holds me but still sometimes I just want to yell at him and say What the hell!  etc. etc.  And I know it pains him to see how this has changed me.  I am not the same and will never be the same.  I am on guard.  I pay attention to everything.  This creeped into my life and it damn sure won't happen again.  I know he doesn't watch, but I am forever vigilent.  I cannot take that pain ever again.  Who knew the slutty women he made fun of in our life were what he drooled over and ogled?  Who knew he said I should wear tailored clothes because they looked good and he wanted skin tight and boobs galore?  I will never wear tailored clothes again.  I do not dress slutty but plain will never be there again.  In my eyes, he lied when he said he didn't like "slut" but I should dress the way I was.  I try to stay secure, I try to trust because I love him.  Some days I just am able to do those things better than others.

I have a surgery coming up soon and am very nervous.  It is not as extensive as the previous one, but it is brining back memories of the loneliness and the lack of support from the last time.  He is reassuring me that it will not happen again (the lonely).  I know the porn is not an issue.  But the memory of knowing everything he was doing is just yuck!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 15, 2016, 02:11:43 PM
Gracie, I feel your pain. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that. This is so tough. I as well feel i will never go back to being the way I was. This does forever change you. I sadly feel it's a hurt that won't ever go away. For the longest time, more so at first, and still subconsciously at times, I  will find myself trying to make excuses or figure out a rational explanation. For the longest time, months, that's what I was doing without even realizing it. I was constantly looking, racking my brain trying explain it to myself in a way that hurt just a little bit less. I would ask him the same questions over and over looking for a different answer even and I think in the beginning I subconsciously wanted a lie! Anything to hurt less. It took me almost till now to accept what it was. That he was actively wanting others, actually mentally and physically going trough the actions, the only
Missing piece being the actual people he was fantasizing about. It still hurts so badly and I can't even write it without crying. It took me a while to figure out that's what I was doing. I just couldn't accept at first that's what he was doing. I knew it but I think it hurt too much to accept. It was as if accepting it or not accepting it changed whether or not he was really doing it. Now I think I often feel such sadness and depression to a degree as I am starting to finally see, it is what it is. There's no way to minimize it or explain it away. I can't change it. I can't make it hurt less. I can't make it something better or less offensive then it looks. I have to see it for what it is and accept it. I am trying to also see that this is a time in his life that he made poor choices. This is not him. This does not define him. Like everyone else we make mistakes. He can change and he is changing and I have to take the risk to trust him again. I also realize that no matter where we are, even when we are fully recovered, looking back to what he did will always hurt.
I also have to accept this. I see why your upcoming surgery would cause anxiety for you. I never thought about it much but when a lot Of the stuff went on I was pregnant. So the next time I am
Pregnant I'm sure it will be hard. And I will be quite insecure. I hope not. I found that there was lots that brought back negative memories already that I didn't even expect. Things we used to do together before the fact .... They even make me upset because the good memories now are overshadowed with, what was he REALLY doing THEN? That time in our life that I enjoyed so much, was he fantasizing about others? How many times was I here with him blissfully unaware, all wrapped up in him while he was all wrapped up in fantasizes about another??
God help us Gracie. And he will if we go to him with our hurts and pain. He has endured so much more then us and he was even less deserving of it them we were. He is framiliar with our hurts. Prayers for you and the other women that go through this awful hurt.

He isn't "less" deserving of it.
He never deserves it at all.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Gracie on July 21, 2016, 08:15:28 AM
Just thought I would let you know I had the surgery.  Lots of triggers but he is taking care of me this time,  I keep letting him know when I feel bad.  I am home off work.  Been very tired.  This morning though he used a phrase he used when I had to ask for sex.  He asked, "Did I miss a signal?"  I, in a very cold voice said, "Do not ever use that phrase again!"  He was getting ready for work so we will talk about that this evening.  But oh the pain that shot through me.  I will probably hear him say that it was an accident and not on purpose but it just brings the memories back. 

Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 22, 2016, 10:11:40 PM
Glad to hear he is taking care of you this time Gracie! I hope you guys can talk about it later and get
It cleared up. I know I have at times had him do things that reminded me of "then" and I know what you mean about it hurting. They don't quite understand either I don't feel. Some of the things he does shows me he doesn't yet and probably never will understand the pain he has caused and that I am still in. However with God all things are possible. Thanks for updating me Gracie. May God be with you as you heal from your surgery and this PA. Remember God is always with you.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 25, 2016, 09:01:35 AM
What a journey. I have been very paranoid as of late. I have heard other wives of PA's say the same
Thing. We're always on guard for the smallest change now. If he's quiet, I wonder. If he
Looks at me funny, if he's distant. The slightest mood change I notice. I hate it really. I have to admit that this is the hardest thing I have done to date. I have to leave him and his recovery with God. Why do I struggle So hard with that? I can leave my bills with God. Why not my husband? I need to spend much time in prayer asking for Gods grace. I truly feel, no matter what any PA, book, website etc says that he doesn't love me. I am endearing to him, after all I have his children, but he didn't truly love me when we got married, which ultimately brought us here. Call me stubborn. I realize that many, many people have tried hard to convince me otherwise but I can't buy that. Wouldn't that be the comforting thing to believe? "Oh yes, he loves me. This was not about you, sex or other women". I'm sorry but I don't believe it. Maybe I should but I don't . Yes, I realize it BECAME an addiction. He weaves himself a web out of his deceit and lies. However it never started that way. It started as his wife not being enough. I ask him WHY?, his answer is always "I was selfish". Even hearing that hurts. I say to him, so selfishness is doing something That serves us and only us that we enjoy. What your saying when you say u was selfish is, "I really enjoy the thoughts of other women and getting off to them, so I did it even though it was hurtful to you".  I realize all that. I realize that he did this with no care or regard to me. What bothers me is the "I like the thoughts of other women and getting off to them".  He told Me when this first came out that he used to feel like he missed out. You know, didn't have enough pegs on his bedpost. But he assured me that was when we were first together and he hasn't felt like that in years. Your kidding me, right sweetheart?! Obviously that's not the case, or you wouldn't have been PMOing and MOing to my sisters and random girls in the bathroom. So when it comes down to it, I feel That yes, indeed,  the problem started long before we were together. In the sense that he never truly loved me. I was just another object he was lusting after, which is why he never felt satisfied or complete. If you have everything you've ever wanted, if you bought your dream car, house, or married the love of your life, do you feel like your missing out? NO! You certainly don't. So that brings us to here. Here we are recovering from his excessive lust to the point that he couldn't even be with me. I believe that it's many things. He doesn't know why or what he was doing because of his immaturity. In all ways he is very immature. Emotionally especially. I love him. However, I wish I had of listened to myself when I refused to date him for a year. I knew I wasn't his everything. I could tell. If I'm
Your everything, why does the rest of the world catch your eye so easily? But here we are. I feel like I grieve for what I THOUGHT I had. I feel so sad when I think if it. But then I think to myself why am I feeling sorry for myself. Life isn't fair, it just isn't. Sin enters the world and corrupts everything and we all suffer as a result. Jesus died for our sins, mine and his. He has forgiven him, I must too. There are better women out there then me who have been dealt worse hands and they didn't deserve it. What makes me think I should have ended up with better? There are no guarantees in life and love is in that list. We can't make other people do or Feel how we want, and we also can't assume That because we are sure about something, such as if we really love our spouse when we get married that they are as well. May God help me to accept my lot. My choices got me here.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 25, 2016, 05:27:15 PM
I asked him for the millionth time today, how do You KNOW you love me? He said "I need you. You give me reason to become a better person. I couldn't imagine spending any part of my life without you. "  I don't even know why I keep asking. Will ANY answer make me feel better? Would anything convince me? I doubt it. I am hoping in time I can feel it again when he says it. I am praying that God will help me with that.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: malando on July 25, 2016, 06:26:20 PM
How do you know he doesn't love you? It seems like  you are hitching your entire wagon to his porn use being indicative of his level of love. But what if you're wrong? I can tell you that the two are not directly related to each other. I'm willing to chat to you about this via PM if you like, but I can tell you that there are very strong reasons why his porn use could be entirely not to do with you, nor his love for you. If he does in fact love you and you do want to get past this, you need to start considering the idea that this direct line you are drawing between love and no porn might be a fallacy. There's no denying the pain and hurt you've experienced from this. It's humiliating, disappointing, infuriating, hurtful and a dozen other adjectives, but it's not necessarily indicative of the things you believe right now. Only the fullness of time and an open mind will reveal the true state of affairs here. I'm not here to make excuses for men with P addictions, far from it. But I see you potentially making a prison for yourself with false equivalencies about what P means about love. That would be a crying shame. Try to break free of that and listen to what he's telling you. And learn as much as you can about what can cause P addiction.

Best wishes, M
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on July 25, 2016, 11:42:15 PM
If you read back in my journal, it's most definitely not all about his porn use. It's about so many more things. It's about his porn use and porn addiction, it's about his feeling he was "missing out" when we were first together. It's about his inability to keep his eyes and fantasies within our marriage ..... Thanks for the response to my post. I am trying quite hard to have an open mind and see this any possible way. However, I'm not about to accept any excuses or cover up (This sounds so much better then what really happened) stories. There are many "world views" that are completely ludicrous and wrong and that I refuse to even entertain. I am a Christian and my views and etc are aligned with what God teaches in the bible. It does not say if he loves me
Or not of course but it does say he has committed adultry.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on August 01, 2016, 11:50:52 AM
The journey thus far;
 Well, first I was so taken off guard. I was crushed. It blew me right off my feet. It was like my life was a mirage and it was all coming down. When he would tell me things at the beginning of his staggered lying disclosure, initially I wouldn't feel anything. Then later it would hit me like a brick. It came in waves I have to say. I was so hurt, I can't even describe the pain I felt.
 Regret, oh I regretted the day I said I do, or even before that. I saw this in him and refused to date him for a year because of it. But then I just allowed my heart to get in the way and brushed it off as nothing. Me being ridiculous. All guys look, right? Whats my problem? Looks like I Was wrong. Now I see it was a symptom of a deeper problem and my gut was right. ALWAYS trust your instincts.
Then it was depression....Of course this is not really an accurate list or description, its just some of what I remember.
Depression, deep depression from the realization that I have really been alone my entire marriage. My husband is with me but was never committed to me. Our entire relationship he's been lusting after others and "missing out", while I was feeling completed in him. Makes you feel like the last one in line at gym class that no-one wanted. The last person left to chose got you because there was no-one else left. Like I'm the one he's with, the one he settled for, but if he had the guts or confidence and he was to go after what he REALLY wanted, it wouldn't be me. Its all "those" women he lusts after out there. Im just all that was available to him at the time.
Then the loneliness. Have you ever felt alone while your with someone? Extreme loneliness. I felt so invisible. It was like I felt how he made me invisible for years, when I didnt even know it, all at once, NOW. I felt SO lonely. Theres really no other way to describe it.
Ugly - Wow, did I feel ugly. I still do to a large degree and I don't know why my head can't get out of that space now. I really wish it would. I know its so silly to feel that way. He can't change how I look by how he feels or what he does. If I wasnt ugly before I am not now because he never saw my beauty.
Part of what really hit me so hard, man did it hurt, was when he told me the reason he chose to masturbate to my little sister, who is more then 10 years younger then me. I asked him why, what was so much better about her? Why? He said that she hadn't ruined her body having children. He now says that I put him on the spot and was forcing him to give an answer NOW and so he just said what came to his head, what I always said. I believe him about as much as I believe anything he says....not at all. I said, what makes her body better? He said that he thought her body would be firmer....lovely.
I feel so ugly around any young girls now....especially small girls, which I always was. I am not large now but I definitely could be smaller.
And there were countless other feelings along the way, devalued, humiliated, hateful...Boy I hated him so much, so often. Stupid. I felt so stupid that he did all that behind my back and I had no idea. Did I ever feel stupid.
Angry, that was a big one and one that has lasted the longest thus far. I mean, I still feel all the others to a degree and more so at some times then others. But angry, so angry. I feel like he cheated me. He cheated me so much. If I wasn't his all, why would he say I do? Because he never thought of me. His whole life has evolved around him, everything is about him.
Sad, I am sad. Right now, my feelings are a mix between everything I described but mainly, sad, angry and frustrated. I am sad that this has been our life to date. I am sad for what I never had. I need to move on and concentrate on now, I realize this, but I don't know what I have NOW. What do we have?
I am confused as well. What is love? What should we expect as love? The lovey dovey feeling that everyone thinks is love, I know this is childish and doesn't last a lifetime, nor will it ever keep a relationship. A relationship needs more real lasting things other then wishy washy feelings. But is it really a fairy tale to expect to have a husband that is committed to me and me only? If he loves me while he is lusting after others and masturbating to the thoughts of others, what should I expect when someone DOESN'T love me??  How can I gauge what is or isn't love? I am not expecting wishy washy lovey dovey all over each other love, but WHAT should I expect?? I really can't wrap my head around this. What should I expect when I get married? What does marriage and his love give me? What DO I get from him?
So I feel frustrated over that. I feel angry, but I am starting to just feel sad more then angry...which I think is good. Its easier to think when I am sad and I can talk to him when I am sad. I can talk and just accept that things are as they are. Maybe I am starting to accept it as it is. This is just what I now have as a relationship. Love, what is love?
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on August 02, 2016, 06:27:42 PM
Yesterday was the worst day I had in forever. Note - if feeling bad about all this junk, DO NOT listen to love songs. That's how it started. Really just feeling sorry for myself. My poor husband. I was hateful to him I have to say. However once I got up this am I decided enough to that. Wallowing in the past and in what happened and in what I DONT have and etc is childish and won't get me anywhere. As I have stated before, there have been better that has gotten a worse hand in life. Not to mention the fact that I am where I'm at because of the Choices I've made. I chose my husband. That's why I have him. I'm not saying I regret that, at this moment I don't, but at times I do. And even though at times I don't admit it, I saw the signs that there was a problem. Something wasn't just right. I stayed away for a year. Kept a safe distance, but i kept playing at it till I couldn't use my head anymore and then it was my heart making the choices. All logic is lost then. Some messages I sent hubby today :
Just so you know. I'm done with all that stuff. Worrying about what your doing and when and why. Im done with fretting over the PAST. It's past and I want to move on. So I'm not having anything to do with any of it. If your here I'll assume that you know what I expect out of our relationship. Commitment, to be your ONLY one & effort for our relationship. I expect you to put God first. With that of course comes that I  expect you to stay away from bad influences and guard your heart and mind. I DONT expect to have to do it for you at all and I won't anymore. I will assume that you are always honest with me and I'll take your word at face value. Please be careful to not change or alter the truth in anyway because it will
Come across the same as a full out lie and destroy everything faster then we can ever build it. That means excluding information as well. ANY information. I love you. I'll bring my concerns to God and trust that you are putting sufficient value on our relationship.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: malando on August 02, 2016, 11:30:10 PM
Sounds great, O1! I wish you all the luck in the world with the next phase of your life. You deserve a new beginning.

M.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on August 05, 2016, 08:50:09 PM
I've been praying a lot about all this and I think things are really starting to click. At times I feel resistant to any "why" because I am afraid to accept anything as an excuse. But understanding doesn't mean I am excusing. I just couldn't for the life of me, for this entire year UNDERSTAND, what, or why. And I can't move past or heal until I know why. I'm just that Kindof person. It happened for a reason and in my mind it's looming there always ever ready to happen again unless I know WHY. Today, just today I red an article that opened my eyes. It's not the women per say that he wants, it's not even really about the sex. It's about how fantasizing and pretending to have Sex with these people makes him feel. It's still hurtful yes, he made the wrong choices yes. But I can see now that even though what he did was devalue me and treat me like I was undesirable and unwanted that's now what it was. It really wasn't about me. He was feeling like he had failed me and like I also felt like he failed me. He was 1) hiding from it in make believe ( I can never understand how full grown men do this but whatever), 2) trying to get intimacy and acceptance from others. Trying to fill the void that was there from him avoiding me more or less because he felt like he failed me. He had never failed me. I never thought he had failed me. Because he chose to PMO and etc he then did ultimately fail me. He should have just talked to me. This would've all been avoided. I would've told him that my world evolves around him. I would've told him that he means everything to me. I would've told him that the only way he could ever fail me is to not want me, not love me, or want others instead of me. I think I can start to get past this now. Thank God. I feel
I'll still have angry moments but fewer hopefully. Here's the article that really helped me today. http://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/05/17/the-growl-of-an-empty-stomach/ 
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: offaxis on August 12, 2016, 04:28:31 PM
Hello Objectified1,

I hope you're doing well and thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings here. It's always good to read your reflections to understand the partner's side better. The article you linked also resonated a lot with me and gave me something personally to reflect upon.

I still can feel a lot of your hurt and anger coming through along with the frustration and unfairness of this all.

Ultimately, only your husband I think can answer why from deep inside himself after a lot of soul-searching and perhaps professional help. This has been really necessary for me personally but it's something I still need to work a lot on. For me personally, it came down to shame, stigma and (hidden) excitement around sex from childhood. I had (have) a warped understanding of what sex really is about. I just didn't think of it in quite the same way as you "normal" people do. I strongly agree with you about the whole re-learning process.

Your husband has hurt himself in the same ways he has hurt you. He has failed himself first and foremost. I think when he can see and accept you two need to be one and same in that understanding of the hurt and damage then perhaps some forgiveness will start to form in both your hearts. I wish and hope that for you because I can see you both love each other. I think as much as you need to understand, your husband does too. And when he does, he can then share that with you from a place of abundance. It is a fine line between understanding "why" and accepting explanations alongside genuine change compared to swallowing excuses or rationalisations where the root behaviour still goes on. If you worry these things are still going on, that is not easy. And neither is processing the lessons from the past either.

I hope you can keep towards the path of acceptance although it is a difficult and twisting path at times. Please keep posting, I do very much appreciate your thoughts and feelings.

Peace.

Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on August 12, 2016, 05:40:35 PM
Thanks for your post offaxis. :)
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on February 06, 2017, 07:21:24 PM
Wow, it's been a while since I posted. I have bought and read more books and we have started counselling. I'll tell you, any women who is enduring this torture. Get counselling. Even though it seems like things are blowing over, it's always there and we need to heal, we need to heal. A good counsellor, not just any. Please do your research first! Most counsellors don't understand porn addiction or sexual addictions at all and the women gets the crapy end of the stick. Getting bad advice such as, "you might as well stop trying because you won't understand anyway", " men are visual", "men have higher sex drives", "porn is not cheating" etc etc. Go to someone who has "been there, done that". Right now we are receiving counselling through redemptive living - Shelly and Jason Martinkus. He himself was A sex addict and she got past it. They survived, are still
Together and it's 13 years later. I am still struggling my day to day. I believe hubby is clean and has been for a year or more but the problem is our lack of trust now. He lied so much through his staggered disclosure and etc that I can't believe him. We still struggle With being around "those ones" (provocatively dressed women etc). He acts all uncomfortable whenever one of them exists. Drives me mad and makes me think he wants to look at them. He claims he doesn't that the problem is just that he's afraid I will think he's looking.... hmmmm. Anyway, just a quick update.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: aquarius25 on February 06, 2017, 09:10:58 PM
Great to hear you guys are still communicating and working on things!
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on February 07, 2017, 01:08:49 PM
Thanks Aquarius. He really has come a long way and I am very happy for that.
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on February 17, 2017, 12:18:23 PM
I copied and pasted this response that I put in the partners forum. I want to keep it here for my reference and so others can benefit from it. If we mean enough to our husbands then they will put the necessary work into recovery. Which really means getting outside of their comfort zone and dealing with emotions instead of stuffing them. I have learned that one of the reasons for escape into sexual things is the complete distraction sexual arousal causes. It blocks out all other thoughts/emotions and it is multifaceted. It is emotional, visual and physical. When with a real partner it is also Scent and taste. I have learned that men who become addicted to this stuff actually have replaced their "trigger" for arousal. So in a perfect world a man is "triggered" to sexual arousal by intimacy - real emotional intimacy, with his wife/significant other. In our over sexualized world most people have replaced this trigger with "naked". So men who watch porn and ogle etc, like pavilions dog, hear the bell, (see naked women) and are triggered to sexual arousal. A man who is addicted to porn is past this even. Instead of naked women - arousal, it goes, negative emotion - arousal. Then starts the chain of him looking for things to aid towards orgasm. Orgasm for men is associated with feeling or euphoria and relief..... the ahhhhhhh feeling. When a man orgasms it actually shuts down the anxiety/fear centers in his brain. So a man addicted to porn or the like gets triggered to sexual arousal from nonsexual things like negative emotions .... he has trained his brain to actually respond to these negative emotions with a sexual response. This is how it's not even about sex for them. Once he's triggered mentally.... say he goes to work and had a bad day.... his brain automatically clicks due
To the stress and negative emotions (think your mouth watering when you think about sour candy), without him even realizing it his brain and body is preparing. It's saying stress/ anxiety = reward, in this case orgasm. It's an automatic response that he has created in his body. Once this Reaction is subconsciously triggered, chemicals and the like have already started surging through his body, although at this point not in huge quantities. He is then in a hyper-alert state. Usually men still don't realize anything is going on at this point. He starts to notice the women around him (his brain is looking for MORE of the drugs that have started to release). Each inappropriate glance at a women increases it. Then men go through a ritual at this point.... the "ritual" can take anywhere from hours to months (with our men it was probably down to hours). The ritual leads to their acting out of course. . I'm sure many of you already know this stuff but it helped me understand how it wasn't about sex. I couldn't understand why he used "sex" as his drug either till it was explained. I would agree I suppose that sexual arousal can be quite distracting.  Hubby explained it as , he would feel stress/anxiety etc (never realized this stuff then) & then he would feel the need for a release. So it wasn't , look - girl, she turns me on, I want her, I better go masturbate to the thoughts of her. It was "I'm frustrated. In pops a random thought. It would be nice to have an orgasm." Then starts the subconscious chain of events to achieve one. He totally separated sex from  an intimate act. Sex wasn't sex, nor was it about anything sex should be about, such as loving another individual and being physical intimate as a result of personal, close, emotional intimacy.  It was a release from pressure or anxiety. It was turned into his brains subconscious "stress release". It still hurts. I don't think it ever won't, but understanding why helps a bit. So our Counsellor has him doing things like, randomly stopping through his day, thinking about how he feels, what's going on around him and writing it down. If he has the thought, " I need a release/orgasm" pop  into his head, he ha to immediately stop, evaluate what's going on, how he's feeling etc and replace tjatbthoight with a loving comforting memory surrounding someone he loves. Amongst other things. I have seen more progress with our counselling through redemptive living in the last month then I have seen in the last year and a half. Just yesterday we went to Costco. Usually this results in me leaving quite upset as I encounter many triggers. However he sent me texts the wellie way through whenever he saw me looking uncomfortable, he told me in detail how much he loved me and how much i mean to him and how he has absolutely no desire to look at anyone else BEFORE we went in and he asked how I was and & volunteered  loving things as soon as we left. I was moved to tears. He has never done that and I felt SO loved afterwards. I am feeling so hopeful. I am beyond thankful I decided to take the step and et Counselling from someone who has been there. We tried two other counsellors with no results because really, they had no idea what they were doing. I wish the best of luck to You all .
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: bob on May 14, 2017, 12:51:37 PM
Wonderful post Objectified1,

It helped me better understand my struggles during this whole process.

Peace
Title: Re: My journey to restoration
Post by: Objectified1 on May 25, 2017, 09:57:12 AM
Glad to hear it!