Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: Loving_Mary on December 12, 2015, 05:24:28 PM

Title: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 12, 2015, 05:24:28 PM
1994, I was 14. Very excited to have my new computer. I think it was a 386. One of the first words I looked up on the internet was “sex”.

The first images that I saw were girls in bikinis and such. I couldn’t suspect that that curiosity would lead me to a life time addiction.

I’m starting this diary in December 2015, I’m 35.

I don’t regret myself. I was just a kid. Would I have known the consequences of that search, I don’t know if I would have done it or not, but at least I would have made an informed decision.

I would like to coach people out of porn, but first I want to quit myself. That way, it will be an honest help.

At school I was informed about drugs. But nobody told me about porn. I don’t regret them, they didn’t know either. 

I think that we have more tools to quit porn than in those days, but I also think that we are just beginning to learn how to leave porn. I feel that there must be an easier and more effective way than today’s “common trend”.

But I am grateful that this Community exists. I’m sure it will help me. And I’m sure that I will help other people too, cause wright now I’m much better than some years ago. I could help people who are more addicted than me, people who still haven’t had the experience of partial recovery.

I started to recover when I stopped going down, down, down. I thought I reached the bottom several times but I didn’t. But one day, it was for real: I started to recover.

Going back to the 90´s, when did I realize that I had a “problem”? It was in 1997, I was 17, three years after I started. I usually watched porn. It was a major habit, but it was that particular day I realized I was screwed.

I “went to sleep” at 10 or 11 and when I stopped it was like 6 or 7 in the morning. 8 hours straight. All night.

“I have a problem.” I told to myself.

 I still had my street clothes on from the day before and it was late cause I had class at 8, so I headed my bathroom and washed my face.

I’m glad I realized. That way I could start to recover. But I didn’t realize that I could recover at that particular moment.

The first time I did something actually effective to recover from this addiction was in 2007 or so.

I went to a psiquiatrist.

That same year I bought a book called “PGO Porn Game Over” I don’t recall the author. It was a pdf file I bought from this author’s website.

It taught me some basic steps to recovery but the most important thing I learned was that I was not alone; there were many people like me, starting with the author itself, who had already recovered from porn.

The sessions with the psychiatrist helped me cause he gave me some advice and prescribed me with some pills. It was good. I took them for over 2 years. I believe it’s important to be monitored by a professional when it comes to pills, some of them are dangerously addictive.

One of the main things I learned from this psychiatrist is that I suffered from insomnia. It’s a major problem and I believe it made my addiction worse.

Once I was able to sleep 8 hours a day, that was lifechanging.

Where I am at know, 8 years later? I feel much better, I don’t crave porn so much, but I still use it.

Focus Me Software is helping me, but I’m using it gradually.

I don’t believe in cold turkey. I’ve tried it many times but I couldn’t stand the pain.

I’m doing things that I enjoy. There’s life out of porn and it’s great.

I guess that if other people have quitted I will too.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 16, 2015, 05:10:54 PM
Last time I really tried to quit I managed to watch softcore only for a while through Focus me Software but it got so painful that I quited..quitting. Shit.

This time I feel it can be different. Why? There's been two major changes in my life since then:

1) Work and money are much better. My ansiety levels are lower.

2) This Forum. I knew that many other people had the same problem. The possibility of reading and sharing is reliefing.

I started my own personal research and happily found out that there are good tips out there.

And the people who share them have not only been through this, but have been successful.

When I read their comments I can tell they're for real. They clearly know what they're talking about.

There's a lot of stuff on you tube that comes from people who never went through this and it doesn't work cause it's not useful. It might be true, but not useful.

So this Forum's external expertise will give me  strenght and know-how.

I am a little bit scared of the pain, but I want to go through the less pain as possible.

Am I a weak person? Not at all. The thing with pain is as follows: I can stand it but what drives me crazy is the constance of the pain. It's always there, and when it's not, it's kind of hiding.

That's why I took a one year rest, cause I couldn't stand the pain.

If I had to stand pain for 10 minutes, 1 hour or 1 day it would probably ok. But every second is too much for me.

That's why I gave up cold turkey long time ago.

At list with the gradual approach I'm much better than before.

It's funny cause the other day I read about "flashbacks" in this Forum and I was surprised.

It's been so long since my flashbacks were gone... It was horrible.

I'm much better but I want to be clean. Clean.

I want to live my life without porn. I know I would be much happier, cause I would be much less ansious.

Another thing about "stopping" and quality stopping..recovery:

When I travelled to the States for the first time in 2001, I didn't have access to the Internet.

So I was "clean" for 6 weeks or so. Lie.

Why? because I was tremendously ansious and when I got back to my country, guess what was the first thing I did when I got home...for hours.

I believe it's key to be aware of the quality of the experience, not so much the quantity.

I'm dreaming of 3 weeks of real cleaness. It would be awesome. Cause I know porn feeds my ansiety and my bad emotions. So if I stop for 3 weeks and feel good, I think that I'll be more than close to recovery.

Today I'm excited cause I've blocked more words on Focus Me. The difference between now and last time I got to the same level is this: in that occasion I lived it as a censourship, now I live it as a relief.

I slipped with weird stuff a few times and I realised that I was seriosuly losing control again after years. I found a new fetish that gave me a very strong hit.

At the same time I realised that I was getting worse at work, and my ansiety was going up at a dangerous speed.

I noticed that I was scared when watching those images and, as I learned in this forum, some emotions increase the shot. So it was good to discover that about me.

I needed to stop watching this new stuff so what I did was erase the Browser I usually use for that stuff.

I know I can install it again in an urge, but at least it won't be handy and I am pretty lazy when in temptation, so I might just use softer stuff.

Apart from those slips, focus me has helped me and today I'm starting on another level.

I'm planning to make blocks of 3 weeks.

A thing that has helped me for the past few days is a tip I got from this Forum: writing a letter to my adiction.

It helped me. I insulted her, said that I didn't want her in my life, etc. It was really relieving.



Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 09, 2016, 09:53:23 AM
Last 3 weeks were good. I was off the most extreme stuff and also off other stuff which would be considered as normal but a bit nasty for my taste.

I used videos of "normal sex".

Slipped into the weird stuff two times.

I'm happy about these last weeks.

I had a problem lately which I will explain in my next post.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 09, 2016, 10:33:11 AM
The problem that I had lately was that I wanted to downgrade the level of the porn I watch again.

I did really well for the last few weaks, so I thought I would not have any significant problems.

So I banned more words through focus me, in particular the idea is to watch only really softcore stuff.

It was then when I had a heavy (I don't rememeber the word in English). It means when you screw up again in the addiction.

It has been several months since I last had such a bad moment, meaning yesterday I was many hours in front of the computer and totally lost control.

What do I think it happened? I believe that in general I am in a semi-flat line. When I switched to the softcore I realised that I was not aroused by it and the craving came.

At that point I stopped focus me software and was alone without the net covering the fall, so obviously I screwed up.

Before that as the arousal didn't come, I was watching softcore for a long time, until I obviously slipped into the weird stuff. We all know that softcore leads to hardcore and on.

The thing is: it is the first time in many months, where I actually found a point where the challenge was greater than me.

Seriously at this point I am not worried about slipping a few times in 3 weeks.

But yesterday wasn't a slip, it was a real screwing up as it's hard for me to remember in  a lot of time. For two reasons: for the time I was watching porn yesterday and for the intensity of the ansiety at that moment. I could manage to do breathing exercises and I believe it helped me not to go even further, not to fall even worse.

So what happened is that I broke the statuo quo and lost the batlle. Not really worried about yesterday, what worries me is the future. Today I used porn again without any sofware, so I got aroused again, I didn't use it a lot of time.

The thing is that I think I have issues with the flat line, the arousal and withdrawal.

Last time I really tried quiting a year and half ago, as I explained in the beggining of the diary, I was 1 week in the flat line. A complete one. It was in the seventh day or so that I started doubting about really having the possibility of having an erection and it was then when I slipped.

This time it's different, because I have read about the matter.

But what I wasn't prepared for is for the craving and the impossibility of realiving myself without porn (because softcore didn't work).

So I decided to leave my software open until I really want to start again from where I left it. Why? Because I am fed up of fooling myself. Obviusly the first impulse when I was finished was to activate the software again, but I know that it's very easy to activate rigth after watching porn. The difficult thing is obviously to keep it active through withdrawal.

So I will activate it again when I'm really prepared. Meanwhile I want to do 2 things. One: I bought sleeping pills for tonight. Sleeping at night will help me.

Two: I want to reinforce the reason why I want to quit porn and live a happy life.

In the next post I will work on this last issue.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 09, 2016, 10:52:43 AM
Why do I want to quit porn?

Seriosly, I'm much better than many years ago, when I had flashbacks, depression and had hours of very intense withrawal.

But even so, I think that I am only a shadow of what I could be without porn. This is only a supposition, because I have been doing it nearly all my life.

When I was 12 I was a brilliant, smart hardworking boy. When I was 13 I started masturbating without porn. Porn started at 14.

So: did masturbation screw me, even without porn? Maybe, who knows.

But porn and the addiction to it made things really difficult for me in terms of study and a couple of years after, with work.

I nearly never have used porn at work. Only one year I used it a little.

But I believe it has defocusing me from chasing my professional goals. It has drained my energy to work too.

And in a personal level, it has made me unhappier and more sad.

It also has had a negative influence in my relationship with women.

I want to quit porn because I want to succeed in my job, I want to meet new and interesting people, including women.

I want to improve the relationship with my friends and my family.

I want to succeed in eating better and doing some exercise, which  I do; but I want to have more energy to practice sport and enjoy my health.

I want to quit because I want to change fear and sadness into happiness. I want to be happy and fullfilled.

And last but not least, I want to quit because at the moment it's a barrier for enjoying my religion. I want to tell God that I love him and that I am happy. I want to fully enjoy sacraments.

I think this thoughts are helping me to realise that I really want to quit. I really want to do many other things.

Right now I'll have some water, some exercise and then I'll go for a walk.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: BetterLife on January 12, 2016, 01:50:58 AM
I can relate. Many of the reasons you want to quit are similar to mine.

In recent times I minimized the amount of porn I was watching and was able to attract my soul mate and get married.

Keep going brother, a life of abundance and joy awaits you on the other side  :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 17, 2016, 06:28:37 PM
I can relate. Many of the reasons you want to quit are similar to mine.

In recent times I minimized the amount of porn I was watching and was able to attract my soul mate and get married.

Keep going brother, a life of abundance and joy awaits you on the other side  :)

wow, thanks very much :)))
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Rockland_2000 on January 18, 2016, 12:36:50 AM
Why do I want to quit porn?

I believe it has defocusing me from chasing my professional goals. It has drained my energy to work too.

And in a personal level, it has made me unhappier and more sad.

It also has had a negative influence in my relationship with women.

I want to quit porn because I want to succeed in my job, I want to meet new and interesting people, including women.

I want to improve the relationship with my friends and my family.

I want to succeed in eating better and doing some exercise, which  I do; but I want to have more energy to practice sport and enjoy my health.

I want to quit because I want to change fear and sadness into happiness. I want to be happy and fullfilled.

And last but not least, I want to quit because at the moment it's a barrier for enjoying my religion. I want to tell God that I love him and that I am happy. I want to fully enjoy sacraments.

I think this thoughts are helping me to realise that I really want to quit. I really want to do many other things.

Right now I'll have some water, some exercise and then I'll go for a walk.

Amen Brother!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 30, 2016, 05:21:46 PM
Last 3 weeks were pretty good in general. I managed to stick to what I wanted to avoid. Slipped 1 or 2 times maybe. Overall, better than my previous period.

I slept well during the 3 weeks; sleeping pills are working. Taking less pills than at the beggining.


It was hard for me to accept that I suffer from PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Disfunction) I gradually cut the expliciticy of the content, sadly realising that I couldn't have an erection whith that milder porn.

The information that I read about the issue helped me to to identify, calm down and realise what was happening.

It's a tricky subject, cause it seams that my masculinity is in doubt, etc. But PIED hopefully it will go away.

I tried one thing which worked: instead of touching myself straight away and starting switching from vid to vid, I just watched one sole video without touching myself. And it was then, when I learned to enjoy the beauty of a woman, and had an erection.

I know no one recommends watching porn to recover, but as I said in another post, I never was able to handle cold turkey.

So, now what? This day had to come: the next few weeks I'm starting to actually quitting porn. My first milestone is nearly over: 24H. After that, 2 days, then 3 and so on. So in the next 3 weeks I want to achieve a 5 days milestone without Porn.

It really scares me. All the times where I tried to quit I failed. But this time is different: I've got more tools and more knowledge, and less external problems.

Today has been weird. It's the first time in 1 year and a half where I am officially supposed to stop myself from doing it. 

If I make it, what about the 2 days milestone? It seams quite a big deal to me, honestly. It might seem ridiculous, but it is what it is. I'm not ashamed of trying to find a way out.

Right now I'm remembering a story about Jesus, when he was helping people in a house, which was so packed that the friends of a person who couldn't walk, got him into the house through the roof (Mark: 2). I don't care if I make it through the door, the back door or the roof...as long as I recover.

One step at a time.

When I started my last recovery period, a few months ago, I was excited. I looked at the milestones with the relief of making porn smaller. Know that I feel more pain, I'm not living it like that. It's normal: withdrawal means that I'm actually healing. But I'm not going to throw a party.

Today I went roller skating. It felt good.

Right now I stopped writing for a moment just to do some breathing exercises, it went good: I assume that that withdrawal is ansiety, so anything that calms ansiety might calm my withdrawal.

Right now I'm going to continue watching "Falling in Love" (1984) with Robert de Niro and Meril Strip. Nice movie.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 20, 2016, 10:32:50 AM
Hi guys, last 3 weeks were pretty good, actually.

I was really scared of actually starting the no porn milestones.

Day one was the worst, maybe because I didn't try for the last year and a half, and I was scared of withdrawal.

And feeling it again was revealing, I actually wasn't aware that I was that sick. But facing this and withdrawal itself was useful.

I became more humble and also I started learning how to manage withdrawal.

The good news is that I can stand this intensity. I didn't expierence the pain I used to expierence a some years ago. I actually doubt I could stand that pain for more than a few hours, but that was long ago and I have built a lot of stuff in my life during the last few years.

Yes, building my life has been awesome, fun and now I'm a happier person.

So I kept sticking to my milestones.

Relapsed once on my way to day 5.

Now I'm cool on my way to day 6... and I nearly can't believe it.

It has improved my self esteem and there are some seconds or minutes where I can feel a glimps of what might be total recovery.

It's like if my brain is actually trully rewiring

Those seconds help me to remember why I am doing this.

But even if I don't experience them at all in many days, I know why I am doing it.

I want to heal, recover.

To me 5, 6 days was inimaginable a few weeks ago.

Now it's a reality :)))



Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 12, 2016, 12:16:38 PM
Hi guys,

these last weeks were pretty good. In general I feel better. I'm realising that porn makes me sick.

I relapsed on my way to day 6 and then made it. Made it too to my day 7 and now I'm on my way to day 9...pretty awesome actually.

Honestly I didn't think I'd made it to that far. Sometimes I feel more focused in my work and I'm stopping to feel desoriented as I used to feel.

My brain is healling, hopelfully, and my confidence is growing.

It's the first time in my life where I actually quited porn for one week feeling as good as I feel right now.

I know I have a lot to improve, but I am patient.

Money is improving a bit too.

Who knows maybe this time my prayers have been effective?

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 10, 2016, 03:07:50 PM
Hi, I'm on my way to day 15 and it feels pretty good to acomplish all that.

I'm going out with some girls and in general my erections are better than ever. Better than when I was 20!

It's amazing that no one told us abour ED...but I'm experiencing it as a fact. The less porn, the harder I get. Awesome.

I don't feel at 100% in general , but I guess it's a matter of time.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 01, 2016, 02:58:56 PM
Hi guys,

these last 3 weeks have not been very good.

I relapsed heavily. I just have been some days without doing it but today I feel weak.

Just finished watching "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" an awesome movie that made me sad. I believe it's good to connect with feelings.  I wasn't particularly unpopular at highschool but porn made my life so much worse.

It's difficult for me to connect emotionally to people. I believe porn is both cause and effect of that. Both cause and effect of many problems in my life.

I remember some girls who went away. The people who I lost. I'm sad.

I also realise that I'm much better than a few years ago, in many levels if not in all of them. But this year I'm turning 36, on my way to my 40's...I never thought I would be like this at this age.

I was such a bright kid.

The other day I saw a clip on the universe and how we attract what's on our vibration. It made me think about my addiction, about what's inside of me that connects with it. What part of me feeds of that poison.

I wouldn't like to end my days with this addiction, trully, but it's so hard. I'm improving, though. It's amazing that I recently accomplished 13 days.

But it still so small. The other day I watched a youtube video of a minor pic up artist. He was so kind to make fun of people who are addicted to porn that I trully realised he doesn't know what he's talking about.

This addiction not only destroys marriages and families, but it destroys people from the inside. And it's free. The amount of evil in this world can be deducted by the amount and how easy it's to get to it.

I'm more dilligent with my phisical training lately. I thought that would help, as when I relapsed I was working out very little.

I heard one of the toughest periods is the 2 week millestone. In my case it's been kind of a wall, yes.

But there's one thing no one can take away from me: it's the hope of recovery.

And by the way: totally proven that erection or lack of it is linked to porn.

Looking forward to better days.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 22, 2016, 04:45:41 PM
Hi guys,

these 3 weeks my morale has improved, but I'm still stuck in my aim to the 15 days.

I've tidied my room and this seems to have helped me with my mental cleanness.

Sport is better.

I've put my software to "enforced mode", but sneeked into another room with another computer.

Now it's more difficult woth other people in the house.

Anyways I've confirmed that ansiety goes up proportionally to the amount of time I'm watching Porn.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on June 14, 2016, 03:03:23 PM
hi guys,

these 3 weeks have been a vane struggle. Very poor performance.

I didn't have my computer so enforced moved didn't work, I used another one and my cell phone.

Throwing the towel for a while, I think I just cant't right now.

Will focus on improving other parts of my life and re try when I'm stronger.

One thing I learned: a few months ago I managed to stay clean for nearly 2 weeks  think, something that seemed impossible not long ago.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on August 27, 2016, 03:11:49 PM
Hi guys,

I'm back.

I needed some time to recover, was failing and failing.

A few weeks ago I decided I would give it another shot and here I am.

I've been succeeding for the last weeks and right now I'm on my way to day 9.

These last three weeks I had vacation and I rested and slept a lot.

Money is better.

I met a woman a few weeks ago and she helps me to being a better man, without knowing it.  It's like (regardless of if this will get serious or not) that I am connecting with my masculinity, with my masculine core.

Porn has damaged me a lot, it took my teenage and youth away from me.

Maybe I'll be able to trully live my thirties. That would be awesome.

The situation with my family is better than one year ago, too. So that might help as well.

I'm working out 6 days a weak and I've developed more muscle than in my whole life. Funny. Great.

I'm experiencing ansiety and it's funny because it doesn't appear to be linked to porn. It doesn't reveal itself through craving. It's just there.

Obviously if I'm still not recovered, Porn must create ansiety to me. But my brain is starting to shift. Luckily it doesn't associate porn to releaf so much as before. If that was true, I would be successfuly rewiring my brain.

But I know the path of recovery is long.

Just wanted to share with you guys.

Thanks for reading.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on September 18, 2016, 03:44:44 PM
Hi guys,

everything allright, on my way to day 11.

It appears I have a new job opportunity, so that might ease things a little bit.

Having a nice time with friends every now and then.

Dating a woman.

Working out regularly.

Started reading a really interesting classic about sex addiction: Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. Lots of triggers but it's worth it: explains the cycle of addiction and how self image and relationships such as family, can affect a person and may cause addiction.

It is helping me to understand some of my issues.

Watched this interview to him too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1pQfGD_MQI&index=67&list=PLEVuN6_FDGFlgsztgeIEGBYn5mKlNk2d3

Praying as usual.

Everything fine, wishing recovery comes sonner than later.


Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: metal22 on September 18, 2016, 08:34:55 PM
Sounds like you are on the right track!  Keep up the good work and stay strong brother! :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 09, 2016, 04:28:19 PM
Thanks Metal!  ;D
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 09, 2016, 04:38:51 PM
Hi guys,

everything good, on my way to week 2.

I got the new job so hopelfully income will boost in the short and mid term. Yeah!

That will help me a lot.

And also: I love my new job, so it will help me too.

Still dating the woman, she's pretty awesome.

I celebrated my nephew's birthday, I had fun.

Keeping my room tidy, by the way I used Marie Kondo's  "The life Changing Magic of Tyding"it really works.

My finances are soo much better. It's the Economy, stupid haha

Buying some new clothes every now and then.

Working out regularly. Never was so huge.

Reading, meditating and praying, as usual.

I got Stephen Covey's "7 habits of Highly Effective People". Pretty cool.

I know I have got a long way to go, but never felt so close.

Thanks God and thanks to you guys, for listening.

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 30, 2016, 12:00:20 PM
Hi,

on my way to week 3.

Spent the last week with a low energy tone.

Don't know if it's the cold i got, the adiction or what.

But I don't really care.

Because I know that for one reason or another I'll eventually feel better, if I stick to what I've gotta do.

Yeah this week hasn't been easy, especially because of apathy and dullness, I don't know.

Had  a little bit of temptation, but I know that acting out won't help; it always, always promises what it can't ever give: happinness, peace and relief.

Pixels are just a lie.

Job is paying off pretty well, I work many hours and I'm also taking a course so I've got a tight schedule.

Still dating the woman I told you guys about. Everything fine.

Relation with my family could be better, but at least is better than a year ago.

I'm trying to keep my economy stable; much better than last October.

Keeping my room clean and tidy is helping me.

I bought a cool sweater the other day, and gave away some stuff I wanna renew next year.

Winter is comming, the seasons kind of tell me that things are gonna be fine.

Didn't work out a lot this week, I got a cold and didn't feel like it.

Having a rest this Sunday, it's holyday on tuesday and tomorrow I will only work par time, so I will have a nice and deserved rest these days.

This week I'm having negative thoughts. But I'm trying to get perspective and I'm trying to think they will go away.

These days have been  a bit cloudy and I'm quite sensitive to sun absence.

Praying and having mass. Not big faith this week.

Looking forward to a day of joy and hope.



Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 20, 2016, 12:19:17 PM
Hi guys,

I managed to get to week 3, ok.

I relapsed, but I'm amazed I got here.

Very gratefull and excited for the achievement. And best of all, I felt so good in comparison to other periods where I had abstinence...

My energy tone has increased in relation to the last post.

I'm feeling much better.

Work is good. Working many hours, but with a slightly better schedule.

I stopped dating the women. I felt sad, but trully this is my smallest problem at the moment. We were kind of dating, so who knows, maybe we'll date again sometime in the future.

Loving my family but defenitely getting space from them: some of them are negative and agressive. Tired of that. Distance is better. Sad but true. I won't stand certain attitudes from them or anyone else. Still loving them, though.

My finances  are gradually getting better.

Keeping my room tidy.

Got some new clothes. Awesome.

Starded to work out again. Today I was planning to go skating, but I was tired and didn't feel like it, so I stretched and it felt good. From now on I will do that when I'm tired or stressed and don't feel like working out. That and maybe taking a hot shower. Better than don't working out at all.

Something that has helped me lately is going to the bathroom more often, something which lately I forgot doing. Funny but true.

These last days I've been attending a spiritual retreat and it has helped me a lot. I can tell I feel much better than last November at all levels.

I've been working on a book on Prayer from Saint Peter of Alcántara that has helped me a lot and I will follow it for the weeks ahead.

Thanks for reading.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 11, 2016, 01:57:03 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 11.

Work is pretty good, I just had a litlle holyday these days. I worked on friday.

In two weeks I'll have a slightly better schedule, so hopefully I'll will be less stressed.

Meeting new people.

Things still didn't work out with the woman, and I was really sad.

One day I asked myself how I would feel better: without the addiction and without dating her, or being still sick but dating her. I realized that nevertheless, I would feel better without the addiction, so that helped me understand that the addiction is really a problem.

Obviously I amb rebuilding my life while I'm acting out less and less. But I'm realizing that the addiction is dragging me down. So I'm looking forward to recovery.

I went out with some friends the other day.

I'm keeping distance from my family. Well done.

Finances are recovering, slowly.

Keeping my room tidy and clean.

I'm buying new stuff of colthes every now and then. I'm trying to be fashionable.

Working out nearly every day, stretching every day.

Showering twice a day, so that my muscles relax. Great therapy by the way. I recommend it.

My mind hasn't been good these past weeks. I was very sad for stopping to date the woman, but sometimes it feels it's just an excuse to stay negative.

I've been connecting with my feelings, which is good. Recovering from that slowly but consistently.

Bad news is that I've had recurrent suicidal thoughts. It's not that I will do anything, but I've got to confess that they have been there.

They just appear in my mind.

I guess it's part of the desert walk I amb going through.

I had some good days too.

Connecting with sadness has helped me in having happy moments too, because I feel that if I connect with the feelings, they leave. If I stop thinking.

Praying every day and having mass. Little faith but a lot of constance.

Thanks for reading.

Let's see if in a few weeks I have good news.

Kind regards
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 25, 2017, 03:38:21 PM
Hi guys,

good news: I'm on my way to day 64! :)))

It's funny because I always watched those videos on youtube which talk about months without porn and now I'm kind of one of them :)

It's also funny that I always see those guys saying that it's awesome and it actually is, but not in the way I thought.

Partly it's awesome because last time I really quited was in the US, many years ago. The reason was because I didn't have computer. I didn't even M because I had a room mate. I did 45 days 15 years ago, dude. But I was crazy, it was really painful, I was hard nearly at anytime of the day, with a lot of obsession and thinking a lot about P and chicks.

The first thing I did when I got back to my country was...acting out heavily.

Now I don't feel like that.

This time is really different: I'm feeling much better than in 2001 but what's also true is that I don't feel as fresh as I thought.

After about 2 months without P, brain fog has diminuished a lot. Temptations are much softer than before; they are actually manageble until now. But I thought my life would be completely different but it hasn't changed that much.

The only thing I've gotta say is that in my case the oldschool dogma that things improve every 1 month is true. Every month I feel better, but weeks don't count.

So I'm looking forward to experiencing what happens when I get to month 3.

I'm also aware that I'm in danger of slipping, and that I won't feel a complete victory until I get to year 2.

But to get there I must make my baby steps.

I thought this 2 months thing would be epic, but I feel that I still have a lot of work to do.

Main things that have helped me have been taking care of my life. That made my stress and ansiety go down.

Then everything is easier.

Now I will read again my diary to see how I've improved.

One thing is being really awesome indeed: my erections are as they were when I was 12 man... tha'ts so awesome. It's incredible, I'm 36 and I thought that my erections had gone down due to my age, but it was P.

I'm thinking that maybe I did'nt feel as good as those guys on youtube due to the age. I'm an addict since 1994, so that's about 22 years of addiction, so I guess my brain needs more time to recover.

So what: I'm so fed up of the addiction that I will be as patient as I have to.

I also realized that the addiction is one of my life's problems number one.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 26, 2017, 05:39:33 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 2. Yep relapsed.

I lasted about 75 days. My world record.

My best mark in 22 years. And what's most important: I felt and feel good in comparison to other moments of my life.

It was a bit frustrating but it was too weird to go from 2-3 weeks top, to more than 2 months.

What happened is that I got obsessed with some stupid thing and finally fell into it.

I will try to stop those thoughts earlier, and go on with my whole relaxation programme.

By the way: I believe that this is not like starting from 0 for my brain.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 27, 2017, 02:58:45 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 24.

Started going to the counciler.

For my addiction, but really working in the outer game: relationships, etc. That is what I'm working with the therapist. Obviously I told him about "the problem" but appearently it's better to work some deep issues like the relationship with my family. I'm all ears...as long as it works, I'm into it.

Job is pretty interesting, and I've been dating some online girls. Not too bad...it seams I'm starting to move on of my previous relationship.

I have untidied my room a little lately, I want to tidy it up again soon.

Showers relax me a lot, right now I took one. I take two  per day.

Counciler is helping me. Finally I can afford one. Things have been starting to change long time ago...I'm collecting the fruits of all my efforts... :))

Having mass, etc. Forgot to pray all I wanted to, but still on track with Jesus.

I feel loved.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 23, 2017, 05:23:12 PM
Hy guys,

on my way to day 9.

It's been a bit disappointing to relapse so much lately.

I kind of don't understand why I nearly got to the famous 90 days and now I'm not doing that well.

But I'm sticking to relaxing and fixing the rest of my life, so my addiction is less fed.

Had some vacation lately, felt pretty good; and I'm applying for better jobs.

Managed to keep tidy my room.

My clothes are much better than before.

Usually working out and training, my showers don't feel as well as before, maybe I got used to their relaxion.

But still feeling good after shower.

Meditating daily for the last couple of days/weeks. It helps me.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on May 05, 2017, 02:53:34 PM
Hey man,

Great journal, indeed there is power in the name of Jesus, keep praying, keep fighting the good fight.

Stay blessed,

FP


Something came into my inbox today, thought I'd share with you:

For me, and for many of the guys whose struggle I share, it's been the hardest aspect of the program: reaching out when it still seems like I'm in control.

I also struggle with shame. I use "program progress" to validate myself, and then when I don't work my program, I have two problems that are a vicious mix: I want to isolate to hide my shame until I prove my worth; and I lose touch with my powerlessness.

Now that I say it like that, it's crazy. I can feel worthless and think I am more powerful than I am! Maybe denying my powerlessness is one way I compensate for the sense of worthlessness.

Anyway, understanding doesn't make the difference for me: accepting does. When I accept that I'm powerless and reach out for help, I find relief. When I analyze my powerlessness so that I can outsmart it, I am lost.

And yes, that's great, what you said: even if you stop yourself before you hit the inner circle, still reach out.

Thank you for sharing your struggle, for being vulnerable, for being honest. Thank you for reminding me that I am a sex addict, and that I need support.

Which reminds me... If you ever think you're being a burden when you ask for help, remember:

"This is how recovery has been for us. Each of us has taken steps of courage and leaps of faith. Each of us has contributed, not only to our own recovery, but to the recovery of other suffering sex addicts as well.

We have contributed by showing up at meetings and by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We have listened to our fellow addicts and supported them in their recovery journey. Like the first members of our fellowship, we continue to remain sexually sober by helping our fellow addict stay sober. Our prayer is that every sex addict who seeks recovery will have the opportunity to find it. And keep coming back."

There is no one amongst us with the power to stand on his or her own. We stand because he hold each other up.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 28, 2017, 06:44:18 AM
Hey man,

Great journal, indeed there is power in the name of Jesus, keep praying, keep fighting the good fight.

Stay blessed,

FP


Something came into my inbox today, thought I'd share with you:

For me, and for many of the guys whose struggle I share, it's been the hardest aspect of the program: reaching out when it still seems like I'm in control.

I also struggle with shame. I use "program progress" to validate myself, and then when I don't work my program, I have two problems that are a vicious mix: I want to isolate to hide my shame until I prove my worth; and I lose touch with my powerlessness.

Now that I say it like that, it's crazy. I can feel worthless and think I am more powerful than I am! Maybe denying my powerlessness is one way I compensate for the sense of worthlessness.

Anyway, understanding doesn't make the difference for me: accepting does. When I accept that I'm powerless and reach out for help, I find relief. When I analyze my powerlessness so that I can outsmart it, I am lost.

And yes, that's great, what you said: even if you stop yourself before you hit the inner circle, still reach out.

Thank you for sharing your struggle, for being vulnerable, for being honest. Thank you for reminding me that I am a sex addict, and that I need support.

Which reminds me... If you ever think you're being a burden when you ask for help, remember:

"This is how recovery has been for us. Each of us has taken steps of courage and leaps of faith. Each of us has contributed, not only to our own recovery, but to the recovery of other suffering sex addicts as well.

We have contributed by showing up at meetings and by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We have listened to our fellow addicts and supported them in their recovery journey. Like the first members of our fellowship, we continue to remain sexually sober by helping our fellow addict stay sober. Our prayer is that every sex addict who seeks recovery will have the opportunity to find it. And keep coming back."

There is no one amongst us with the power to stand on his or her own. We stand because he hold each other up.


thxs Phoenix!! :))
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 28, 2017, 06:51:46 AM
Hi guys,

in the middle of relapse.

This month I managed to achieve about 36 days without porn.

I believe it's key to adress other parts of life. Solve problems and so on.

Maybe I'm a bit stressed for my future new job, which is a little risky.

I went to a bachelor's party and it was fun.

Relation with my family improved a little.

Didn't shower twice a day as I wanted, maybe I should have.

Training wasn't bad.

Didn't meditate nor pray usually , lately.

Well, lets see if next month is better.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on June 25, 2017, 03:14:10 PM
Hi guys,

better than last month.

On my way to day 10.

Today I decided to try again K9 and i think it's better than some years ago. I think it will help me.

Job has partially finished. Now I have some months to try another thing with more strenght.

If it works, I hopefully be able to solve my finantial problems.

Partially more relaxed for the end of one of the jobs, which was really boring. Partially stressed ans worried for the changes. I'm afraid I'm not really good at managing uncertainty, but I'm learning.

I went to a bbq last weekend.

Relations in general are improving.

Training regularly and showering twice a day. Good.

Meditating every day. Good

Praying and having mass. Good

I bet all those things have helped me.

Let's see if I can keep on and next month I have good news.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on July 23, 2017, 02:42:44 PM
Hi guys,

this month I managed to stay clean for 3 weeks, then relapsed heavily.

I watched this movie, Crazy Heart, which talks about an old country music singer, who is an alcoholic.

He falls in love with this woman and one day he loses her child. That makes her so angry that she leaves him. I'm not going to spoil all the movie, but this part in particular made me think a lot.

I could relate to the character from the beggining, and I asked myself if I really want to be addicted forever.

It made something move inside me.

My councelor told me that I must be prepared for tough days, because they will come for sure.

And it's true. My whole strategy uptill now is to rebuild my life so that temptation doesn't come.

And is partially true, because I know that temptation is stronger than me.

But what's also true is that there's some bad days. That's also realistic.

So I'm preparting for the worst.

This time I want to make the 90 days. October.

I trully want to recover.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on August 27, 2017, 02:08:25 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 42.

Not feeling great at all, but I can tell that my brain is slowly settling down.

There's some whole days that I don't have the feeling of asking myself where am I.

Brain fog is weaker.

I do miss porn. But it doesn't make sense to me to buy the other part of the porn experience: the heavy downfall of my brain.

As I said before, I don't feel great, but I would like to discover what's my true self without P, cause I still was 14 when I started.

I play chess a lot, it's probably a good brain exercise.

Hope next month I can give you guys more good news.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on September 24, 2017, 01:19:27 PM
Hi guys,

on my day 69 and counting.

I feel that my brain is in its 66%, just about the percentatge of my 90 days reboot.

Around day 60 I felt much better.

Temptation has been pretty weak for the last weeks.

Yesterday I drank a little bit and was in a bit of temptation and today I still carry some of it.

My brain is getting tricked and is trying to trick me along, but I have the strong commitement that I won't ever do it again.

I won't lower my guard, but I feal P is disgusting and a serious damage to my brain and my life.

Porn is poison.  I don't want to even smell it again.

I have a problem these days with my money, but I'm trying to face it instead of making it worse through P

Hopefully next month I will complete my 90 days challenge without P

Cheers 

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: 32 on September 27, 2017, 07:52:10 AM
well done, that is fantastic progress. Be honest with yourself and make each day a success. You are inspiring.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 22, 2017, 03:51:12 PM
Hi guys,

after 23 years of addiction, more than half of my life, I'm trully glad to say that I have stayed more than 90 days clean.

It's not at all how I expected, but I made it and finally I can share it with you all, along with that is possible.

It's been extremely hard. Luckily there's been an increase of information about the topic and with it, my own personal experience and the help of the reboot nation and my therapist, I have made it.

I know I'm still at risk, but this is a huge step.

Wow.

I have mixed feelings, I thought I would make it earlier and I also thought the feeling would be epic but it isn't. I thought that I would have an energy boost and my whole life would be awesome but it's not like that in my case.

My brain feels better, I like to give him a lot of water, I think it helps. But to tell the truth I don't feel I'm in a 100%. There's days where I still struggle to focus, slight brain fog and so on.

I thought I would train a lot and my body would be awesome. And it's not bad, I'm training 4 days a week. I thought my style would be so awesome. And it's not bad a tall :)) but no miracles. I thought I would be living in a better house, I'm not 

I thought my finances would be much better but they aren't.

I thought my relationship with my family would improve, and it has. But I realise I've got the family I have, they'll probably won't change.

I thought I would have better friends and they are, I've changed friends. But I realised nobody is perfect. I thought there would be a chick in the picture, there isn't, allthoug I'm much confident and much less needy when talking to them.

I thought I would know many more people, and I do, but I don't consider my self popular.

I thought my job would be awesome and it's pretty good, I love it but there's some days where I feel tired and quit mentally.

In one word I thought thanks to achieving the 90 days my life would be a miracle. And it's not.

BUT

I had a shadow in my life and now it's gone, or nearly gone. Maybe my life is not perfect, but it's mine and I feel I have recovered it.

I used to blame my family for my addiction and my falilures. But in my 37 th aniversary that didn't make sense any more.

I think I've taken control of my life. I've got challenges and problems, but there's one that is gone or nearly gone. And that "little" problem was a huge stone chaned to my waist.

I haven't realized the extent of the problem till I kind of got rid of it.

It's been jeopardising every part of my life. It wasn't my family. It was the addiction.

Finally I want to say that this last month I've been having a huge sense of loss. The loss of the addiction.

The sadness came because I lost a part of my life which has been very important to me for most of my life. It has given me many good moments and has given me company. I know it's bullshit, but it's how I felt.  And I was emotionally attached to it, like with a partner. I still miss it, but I realise that it was a very toxic relationship. The sadness also comes from realising everything I missed.

I read that this is a normal feeling in recovering addicts.

Well, I'm winning the war, but now I have a non perfect life to live. The rest of the book is mine to be written.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: happysad on October 22, 2017, 04:52:54 PM
Congratulations Loving_mary! A wonderful achievement. Keep going, have fun with your life. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. It's going to get great.

I started my reboot on December 2015, just like you and I have relapsed recently a couple of times (now on my 26th day totally clean). I mention this because I relapsed even after going over a year without porn. Keep your guard up! Porn is not an option anymore.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: RealityCheck on October 23, 2017, 09:13:23 AM
LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on October 23, 2017, 09:45:26 AM
Wow, congratulations LM. I can completely relate to that feeling of expecting recovery to be some kind of miracle that will turn me into A millionaire overnight, with a perfect family and be inspired to come up with the cure for world hunger and be a spiritual guru and a fitness expert and so on and so on. But you hit it right on the nail, that while life isn't perfect, it is yours. It doesn't belong to the enslaving addiction or porn, but yours to live how you want to love it. I'd recommend taking a look at the Patrick Carnes interview. If you have access to it just type in "Patrick Carnes interview" in YouTube. It's about an hour long, it really put in perspective how long realistically the reboot would take with the various time milestones and what should be happening in the brain.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: 32 on November 08, 2017, 05:40:34 AM
Congrats - Its an amazing feat which is truly inspiring. Keep shaping your life how you want it to unfold.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: gazz on November 14, 2017, 06:13:11 AM
awesome stuff mate. really enlightening thread. I think everyone has that problem of working so hard to get clean then there's no clear prize at the end of 90days. we feel we deserve a million dollars, but no - now there's just ordinary life with all it's good and bad. So some of us think, screw this - let's go back to that dopamine buzz of PMO, and i'll take the consequences.

But we forget how horrible the addiction is. after the relapse we think - what the F have I done?? life without PMO was amazing!!

gratitude helps. it's a bit cheesy, but there's a short, fun book by Pam Grout called THANKS, GET RICH (it's nothing like the title makes you think it is). it's a list of fun, simple gratitude exercises. one is being thankful for everything that happens in the day - thanks for this glass of water. thanks I have plumbing in my bathroom. thanks I have a bathroom. thanks for this cup of coffee.

stay focused and enjoy this journey my friend!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:27:52 PM
LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.
thanks fot the heads up totally agreed :))
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:29:25 PM
LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.
thanks!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:31:43 PM
Wow, congratulations LM. I can completely relate to that feeling of expecting recovery to be some kind of miracle that will turn me into A millionaire overnight, with a perfect family and be inspired to come up with the cure for world hunger and be a spiritual guru and a fitness expert and so on and so on. But you hit it right on the nail, that while life isn't perfect, it is yours. It doesn't belong to the enslaving addiction or porn, but yours to live how you want to love it. I'd recommend taking a look at the Patrick Carnes interview. If you have access to it just type in "Patrick Carnes interview" in YouTube. It's about an hour long, it really put in perspective how long realistically the reboot would take with the various time milestones and what should be happening in the brain.
thanks Fly! The interview is awesome. His books have helped me a lot too :))) wright now I'm reading " In the Shadows of the Net"
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:32:16 PM
Congrats - Its an amazing feat which is truly inspiring. Keep shaping your life how you want it to unfold.
Thanks! :))
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:33:39 PM
awesome stuff mate. really enlightening thread. I think everyone has that problem of working so hard to get clean then there's no clear prize at the end of 90days. we feel we deserve a million dollars, but no - now there's just ordinary life with all it's good and bad. So some of us think, screw this - let's go back to that dopamine buzz of PMO, and i'll take the consequences.

But we forget how horrible the addiction is. after the relapse we think - what the F have I done?? life without PMO was amazing!!

gratitude helps. it's a bit cheesy, but there's a short, fun book by Pam Grout called THANKS, GET RICH (it's nothing like the title makes you think it is). it's a list of fun, simple gratitude exercises. one is being thankful for everything that happens in the day - thanks for this glass of water. thanks I have plumbing in my bathroom. thanks I have a bathroom. thanks for this cup of coffee.

stay focused and enjoy this journey my friend!
Thanks man! :))
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 26, 2017, 02:55:34 PM
Hi guys my world record was 3 months and 20 days.

Then I relapsed twice.

Right now I'm on my way to day 7.

I feel it's not like stqrting over again but it was a bit disappointing.

It's been good to see that I wasn't inmune if that wasn't the case.

To tell the truth I didn't feel good at all the last 3 weeks before relapsing.

I guess the brain slowly reebots and I feel that when you pass your previous record is when it starts to really heal again.

My pre record was something like 2 months and a half and I felt destroyed, a lot of temptation.

Then I spent some like 6 months relapsing.

This time I hit the 2 months much more confortably than the last time.

Then I hit the 3 months and I felt pretty good, really.

But then my brain just starting melting down, it really did.

It just started to implode.

After all these years I can tell when I'm entering the danger zone and I started feeling it and I was like "shit it's comming omg".

I don't know. I guess the brain goes on his way. It sucks but this feals pretty real.

Now I'm experimenting with affirmations.

The idea is that you don't "do" what you haven't talked about.

And you don't talk about what you don't think about.

So if you talk yourself out you automatically block the action, and also the thinking.

The affirmation I'm using is the equivalent in my language of something like: "today I'm abstaining myself" which I repeat to myself several times when I realise I stumble in a small trigger, external (maybe something I see) or internal (thoughts and temptations).

Well I thought it was worth trying I've been doing it for a week and it worked.

It worked at least with temptations.

I will keep trying it just in case it trully works, because it's hard for me to tell what I did "wrong" the last occasions.

Today I felt great for a couple of hours, then I felt average and bad for 1 hour or so. Now I feel pretty well.

It's a very anoying desease.

But I believe life is worth it.

Cheers



This time I could
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 09, 2017, 11:14:27 AM
Hi guys,


on my way to day 20

not feeling good today.

Struggling with temptation.

The only thing I'm doing different is pronouncing the affirmations.

I will take a nap, maybe I will feel better later.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 24, 2017, 02:08:15 PM
Hi guys and Merry Xmass!!

Feeling good today. On my day to day 4 or so.

Yeah relapsed pretty heavily.

Affirmations actually worked in several occasions where I was in temptation.

I've talked to my counciler and he will custody my email password which is linked to K9...

That plus, affirmations plus a healthy life style might help.

I wanna quit this 2018!

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 26, 2017, 03:18:10 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 5.

Not feeling bad. A bit bored. A trigger feeling.

No feeling in danger right now.

It has been a long time since I actually felt bored.

Sometimes I¡ve got the feeling of not knowing how I got here in my life.

It's like if all my life just passed, and I haven't been the main character of the movie.

Sometimes I don't understand all these people with their live, their passions, their happiness and their relationships, It's like I'm an alien.

I've been connected to P for a long, long time. It has been my life, my mission and my purpose.

And when I say connected I don't only mean hooked, I mean that I've invested my life in a relationship with P. A dillusional relationship.

Whe I started disconnecting 1 week and then 1 month and so, I started to discover that my life outside P was pretty empty. Esecially my relationships. I need money.

The feeling of failure stalks me.

At first the No fap challenge was kind of cool and fun. But when P started faiding my other life started to shine. And not everything I saw was good.

In fact, I feel lonely. P has given me a lot. It has been my friend and my partner. A sick one indeed. But there it was. Always loyal.

In contrast, people are disloyal in some extent, and relationships are complicated. P is simple.

One of the things P has stolen from my life is my adolescence. There I should have met lots of people of all kinds.

Idstead, I only hanged out with a friend of mine, and I didn't explore other options, I didn't develop many social skills which I'm learning now.

I'm entitled to learning those skills and to meet lots of people. My job, which is people oriented, can help me. I wanna connect with people, which I'm gradually doing so.

But the sense of loneliness sometimes harms me.

Many years ago I dated a girl for 2 and half years. She knew about my addiction.

The thing is that it was a dependant relationship, something which I had a tendence for.

Now, I'm less dependant to P and people, but that has the counterpart that I don't have real intimacy whith anyone.

I stopped being intimate to people because I realised that the people I used to trust, where not prepared to listen to certain things.

It was a good decision, but intimacy went away.

Now I miss that.

Well I think that after writing these words I feel better.

Thanks for listening.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: 32 on December 28, 2017, 06:09:15 AM
Hi,
I relate to much of your last post.
Looking in the mirror isn't always comfortable (which is what I did literally 10 minutes ago), but it's also a reminder of who we are striving to become - ultimately a better version of ourselves.
Life without porn is definitely a better and healthier option; it has sucked out so much life from me (physically, emotionally and mentallty, and socially etc) it is scary. But we always have the chance to renew ourselves. And that is what this disease is all about: driving towards a greater picture of how we want to live our lives.
Go forward with strength and self respect.

---
Porn is no longer an option
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 29, 2017, 08:31:58 PM
Hi,
I relate to much of your last post.
Looking in the mirror isn't always comfortable (which is what I did literally 10 minutes ago), but it's also a reminder of who we are striving to become - ultimately a better version of ourselves.
Life without porn is definitely a better and healthier option; it has sucked out so much life from me (physically, emotionally and mentallty, and socially etc) it is scary. But we always have the chance to renew ourselves. And that is what this disease is all about: driving towards a greater picture of how we want to live our lives.
Go forward with strength and self respect.

---
Porn is no longer an option
  thanks man, awesome post ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 29, 2017, 09:31:39 PM
On my way to day 9,

I don't feel bad lately.

I'm posting more often I think it helps.

These last days I've read some stories here which I can relate to.

I think it's important to hear similar stories and tell one's too.

Like a therapy group.

Lately I realised with more clarity that I'm a junky.

A recovering one indeed, but a junky.

I also think I'm a recovering "addict" but junky is a better word.

This word doesn't come from guilt. I don't feel guilty about anything. I know I always did the best I could.

I know that in the States there's a heroin (opiacis) epidemic.

People die from that.

To some extent I don't feel much better than those poor guys who die on the street.

I've been providing my brain with those drugs through P

When I realised that I had a tendency to dependency towards substances and relationships I started realising that I have asertivity problems and I¡ve been working on my social skills to fix that and it works.

I feel much more connected to people than before. Still feeling alone, but something tells me that this is gonna change soon.

It's my guts. I would like to date some girl but I don't even know who she might be.

I don't have money but I think that's not the main issue.

I've been training with more passion than usually for the last weeks.

After more than 20 years training martial arts now I feel pumped again and I do it for pleasure.

All these years I've done it for duty.

It's like I'm recovering apetite again, in a broader sense.

I started with porn the same year I started with martial arts.

I've been a zombie all this time.

Things have been slowly changing for the last years and now I can touch some things I exeprienced when I was 13 (one year before I started with P)

Peace
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 30, 2017, 04:20:19 PM
On my way to day 9.

I feel lonely. I miss P's company.

It's not even withdrawal.

It's the need of intimacy and connection.

Today I don't feel a physical need.

I feel the need of connection.

And it's funny because before I had it with P, but now it's not the same because I've realised that it's fake.

That makes me feel even more lonely.

But I think that every day that I stay clean is a day gained towards a new and better life.

I'd like to know the way of feeling satisfied, fullfilled in just a second.

I believe it's possible. I believe that we are closer to happiness than we can imagine.

But I don't know the way of doing so.

The only way I know is P.

But I know P has two sides, like a coin.

One is pleasure and fullfillment.

The other is ansiety, emptyness and sadness.

And it doesn't pay off well.

Bad way to go.

If I keep clean for enough time, I will strenghten my connection towards other things which have no other tricky sides.

May God help me

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: toph on December 31, 2017, 09:15:40 AM
you inspire me man!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 02, 2018, 01:18:01 PM
Get out there and try something new. Try an art class, start a hobby that's social, engage in an extreme sport. Anything, literally anything that is constructive. Fill up that emptiness and lonely time with fulfilling endeavors.
You might fail, but better to fail at something constructive than to succeed at PMO. Burn off that tension and frustration in a healthy way. Be aware of those times when you might be faced with some alone time and schedule an activity. Say "yes" to that acquaintance that offered to do something that puts you outside of your comfort zone. P is our comfort, our apathetic stupor. We must leave that comfort behind and start to come out from the rock we've been living under. Sometimes the pain and discomfort of day to day life is hard but you've got to develop a strategy for dealing with it that doesn't involve the crutch you've been leaning on all these years. I'm still stumbling, but remember you're never stumbling alone. Millions of people are struggling to kick one addiction or another. We'll never realize our true potential if we continue to rely on those crutches. Trying these interests might just spur you toward finding what you're meant to do with your limited time here on this crazy spinning rock. Good luck!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 07, 2018, 05:10:33 PM
you inspire me man!

Thanks man! I appreciate that :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 07, 2018, 05:12:27 PM
Get out there and try something new. Try an art class, start a hobby that's social, engage in an extreme sport. Anything, literally anything that is constructive. Fill up that emptiness and lonely time with fulfilling endeavors.
You might fail, but better to fail at something constructive than to succeed at PMO. Burn off that tension and frustration in a healthy way. Be aware of those times when you might be faced with some alone time and schedule an activity. Say "yes" to that acquaintance that offered to do something that puts you outside of your comfort zone. P is our comfort, our apathetic stupor. We must leave that comfort behind and start to come out from the rock we've been living under. Sometimes the pain and discomfort of day to day life is hard but you've got to develop a strategy for dealing with it that doesn't involve the crutch you've been leaning on all these years. I'm still stumbling, but remember you're never stumbling alone. Millions of people are struggling to kick one addiction or another. We'll never realize our true potential if we continue to rely on those crutches. Trying these interests might just spur you toward finding what you're meant to do with your limited time here on this crazy spinning rock. Good luck!

Thanks man. I will. I appreciate your comment
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 07, 2018, 06:03:24 PM
Hi guys.

On my way to day 17.

Didn't feel any temptation that I can recall, these days.

I just closed the door to my mother. That way I get rid of all her negativity.

It's not that I don't talk to her. I do.

But I just close the 2 doors that separate us when she is in the living room

She complained about something and I took it as an opportunity of telling her that what she demanded wasn't fair.

I told her that she wants me to be her companion, her mate, and I'm not.

I will never be. I'm her son.

She is crazy, she doesn't realise. She says she does but she always tries to explain every thing about her life.

I asked her where she was when she was my age, 37.

She said she didn't remember, but she had a family.

She used that to "prove" that it wasn't the same.

But I told her that that was in favor of what I was saying.

When she was my age she had a husband and 3 kids.

And she didn't watch tv with her father as she demands me.

It's sick.

She wants to suck me into her life and never let me go.

It's one of my problems.

Today she knocked on my door politely. At least she's not yelling her stuff through out of the door. I'm glad she knocked.

It was to tell me bad knews. One of her favorite.

I was listening to her for what felt like 10 minutes.

It was just that one of my father's cousins died.

I barely knew him.

It was shocking to see that in a particular moment she was explaining what the widow was doing with the body and I could see an attempt of a half smile on her face

I mumbled: "Is that funny to you?"

She didn't respond. She just went on with her uninteresting explanation with a sraight face.

She laks empathy, that's why she thought it was hillarious.

It's disgusting, I fill pitty for her.

At least I said something.

I think she lacks empathy because she has trouble to figure out her own emotions; so it's hard for her to recognize them in others.

But I bet she wouldn't have laughed if she had to deal with my father's body when he died.

She's kind of a sadistic sometimes.

And that's because she feels that life has treated her badly, so that's her pathetic attempt of vendetta.

After this literary explanation, which helps me take it out of my chest, I must say that these last days have been pretty good.

I've created an instagram account and as I never had triggers with social media due to the fact that it was never my thing (I'm an old school addict) I'm using it to amuse myself and meet new people.

Far better than dating sites, mainly because girls don't seem crazy .

Yeah I know I've been hooked to instagram for the last 2 weeks, but honestly I preffer that to P.

I know that my use hasn't been very healthy but frankly, considering where I'm comming from (weird sh**) watching National Geagraphic pics and kitten videos is not that bad, along with talking to some hot chicks.

I never had trouble with cams and stuff, and I'm single, so I guess that won't be a problem to me.

Actually there's two girls which I'm talking to which are quite nice. At least there's somebody real at the other end of the image.

Yeah, I have a tendency towards becomming dependant, but I'm improving that.

Since it's been a while that I watched P, I've been able to connect more with people.

I sent a christmas card to all my clients and i said merry xmas to many people. Just because I felt like it.

Yesterday I went out with some friends and I talked and connected with all of them.

It's easier when you don't have that cannibalistic ansiety within.

And the best of all: I don't care if I get laid or not. I don't have any secret agenda when talking to people.

There was this hot chick who was introduced to me and we talked for a while, then we danced but evetually I felt she wasn't that into me. It's ok. The conversation was cool and I know she enjoyed it too. I know she was tired. He danced with another guy, which she knows better than me and stuff. He hit a lot on her. She left alone on a cab. 

I'm learning to respect other people's individuality and freedom  and I think that P teaches the brain otherwise.

Because those "girls" do exactly what you want them to do. And real life is not like that.

Real life means not every one will like us, and sometimes we will face rejection. That's because people are free and that's ok.

It's funny that I'm learning that stuff at my age, but I guess this forum is for people who aren't the best at dealing with emotions and social skills.

I wanna focus on improving myself and my main goal this year is to quit.

I learned that I was too focused on other aspects of my life. And that's good in a way. Because it's a way of fighting the addiction indirectly.

But my main goal is to quit. I really think that is f****** me up far more than my family or my money.

I've just realised the dimension of the problem.

Well guys in conclusion: I feel much better.

Thanks for listening ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 11, 2018, 05:50:20 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 21.

Dick gets hard, but mentally I'm pretty much a reck.

Mentally flatlined, I didn't realise until some hours ago, where I got pretty negative and with a really low energy.

Managed to visit the sacrarium and felt much, much better.

Now I'm down again, although not as much.

Just wanting to finish this day because I'll be able to sleep and before I was thinking about all the sh** I must go trhough before feeling well.

The reason is because my world record is like 3 months and 3 weeks, and I felt like sh** so it's not a matter of 90 days, it's a matter of quitting forever.

Didn't have any real temptations lately.

But today my brain just crashed.

The thing is that is not only an energy thing. Is that my thoughts have become negative.

Sometimes I think is good to just let go, like a boat on the sea; I don't know.

But it sucks that this affecting my own personality. My brain is on strike and my personality is suffering its consequences.

Lately I'm posting more frequently, I think it's helping me.

Talking to ladies, that'n not bad.

Working. Not bad either.

Objectively I'm better than one year ago, but the feeling is of crush and stall.

I don't know what I've done to my brain but it sucks.

I'm gonna focus on today.

I'm gonna read something spiritual and I'm gonna take some natural sleeping pills, so I don't wake up at knight.

Today I only slept 6 hours, maybe it's that.

I'm really sensitive to sleep.

Today I'm gonna sleep like 9 hours.

Regards
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 21, 2018, 03:50:10 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 30.

Feeling quite good lately.

once I passed some bad days and managed to sleep, my brain reacted good.

Met a lady lately. We'll see where it goes.

I fill with the capability of connecting with her and the fact that she sometimes texts me;  it feels good to connect with her.

Her personilty seems complementary to mine.

Who knows, maybe something good comes from all this.

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.

I think that my worst financial problems are gone, since this february I'll get paid a decent amount after summer and autumn problems.

Everything helps

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Clown Loach on January 21, 2018, 11:32:16 PM
Glad to read that everything is improving and 'on the up' for you.  Use this momentum and thrust yourself even further toward your ultimate goal.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on January 22, 2018, 08:43:18 AM

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.


I totally related, today was completely unproductive for me. But as long as we can admit that we struggle, we can look for solutions.

Happy to hear about the new lady in your life, just remember to make recovery a priority even when you spend more time with her.

I get the sense that you are a lot more relaxed and at ease with yourself, which is an awesome place to be.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 22, 2018, 05:15:27 PM
Glad to read that everything is improving and 'on the up' for you.  Use this momentum and thrust yourself even further toward your ultimate goal.

Thanks CL ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 22, 2018, 05:16:52 PM

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.


I totally related, today was completely unproductive for me. But as long as we can admit that we struggle, we can look for solutions.

Happy to hear about the new lady in your life, just remember to make recovery a priority even when you spend more time with her.

I get the sense that you are a lot more relaxed and at ease with yourself, which is an awesome place to be.

Thanks so much Fly, that was an awesome comment :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 22, 2018, 05:32:45 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 31.

Felt good the entire day.

Looking forward to getting paid.

Clients are in general really happy with me, and students too.

I believe it's worth it to put energy on job, it's an awesome way of connecting with people and reality.

It's been a really long journey to figure out what I wanted to do, and actually acomplish it.

Right now I like my jobs and I believe this is helping me with my problem.

Today I decided to write here because it's a good way to connect with you guys and I found several support messages which I didn't expect and make me happy.

I'm happy about the enormous improvement of Fly Phoenix, for example.

Can't wait to be one the guys who starts the letter with something like "on my way to day 700" and feel that all of you guys made it too.

I know there's a long way to go, both in time and in quality of life, but happiness is only lived in present tense and I feel I wanna make the best of all this right now.

Thank you guys! :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on January 25, 2018, 03:37:31 AM
Hey LM!

Thanks for the big shoutout!  ;D I love coming to your journal recently, lots of great energy.

I totally agree, life is so much better, ass well as recovery from our problem, when we put in energy into work and change our attitudes towards colleagues and clients.

It's a journey and change doesn't happen overnight, but it's amazing how the colour of the world changes when we decide to humble our towards to those of others.

Stay blessed man, you are an inspiration!
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 27, 2018, 06:41:11 PM
Hey LM!

Thanks for the big shoutout!  ;D I love coming to your journal recently, lots of great energy.

I totally agree, life is so much better, ass well as recovery from our problem, when we put in energy into work and change our attitudes towards colleagues and clients.

It's a journey and change doesn't happen overnight, but it's amazing how the colour of the world changes when we decide to humble our towards to those of others.

Stay blessed man, you are an inspiration!

Thanks Fly, you're awesome ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 28, 2018, 02:38:22 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to week 5.

Starting to struggle.

Last time I relapsed I felt the same way in the beggining, so now I don't feel in danger but it might get worse.

There's a long way to go.

My world record was 3 months and 3 weeks.

And I felt like shit in the end.

Now I'm starting to think about P and a particular character and thing.

Just the same than the other time.


I guess my brain wants to go back to its "normal" status

And by the way it's the two same things.

The difference is that this time I've got more blocking stuff in my computer and it would be more difficult to act out.

I don't want to rely only in that but I think it will help.

I've been disfocused from my job lately and I think that this is causing me ansiety, which doesn't help at all.

What causes ansiety is that work is piling up.

This week I wanna work more hours.

The other difference from my last relapse is that I'm talking to more women.

Let's see if I can do better than the last time and get rid of this forever.

Something good is that this week I trained 3 times.

My aim is to do 4 this next week. Maybe that will help keep my mind busy and my ansiety lower.

I soon will get paid and that might help too.

In less than 10 days I have a session with my counciler, that usually helps me too.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Clown Loach on January 28, 2018, 03:44:13 PM
Keep going, Loving_Mary.  Your posts on my journal have always been well received and of comfort to me, so I hope many others offer the same to you.  At the moment, I feel we are experiencing similar feelings, for I too feel that I am at a crucial point.  Your brain is trying to play tricks on you, yet your experience will show you what to do to fight back.  Throw yourself into work, training, whatever it takes.  You also know your triggers and have taken steps to avoid them.  Good luck, however I have confidence that you will fight through it.  Let me know, brother.  Cheers, LC.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on January 29, 2018, 03:10:54 AM
Thanks for sharing LM. I almost went onto an escort site this Friday evening and thankful that I managed to click away, so we are all each of us here only a step away from doing the right thing or shifting into old habits. Unfortunately, I spent hours during the day at work, on the work computer cruising Facebook pages of people who were very triggering to my "inner circle" behaviour, people who are in my fetish zone. So, I feel it set me back a bit in terms of habits, but one thing I realised is, as you say here, it wasn't like before when I would just zone out and feel terrible. I have more hope today. You're doing the right things - training, seeing someone to talk to and posting here.  Keep pushing man, we're in this war together.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 29, 2018, 04:33:13 PM
Keep going, Loving_Mary.  Your posts on my journal have always been well received and of comfort to me, so I hope many others offer the same to you.  At the moment, I feel we are experiencing similar feelings, for I too feel that I am at a crucial point.  Your brain is trying to play tricks on you, yet your experience will show you what to do to fight back.  Throw yourself into work, training, whatever it takes.  You also know your triggers and have taken steps to avoid them.  Good luck, however I have confidence that you will fight through it.  Let me know, brother.  Cheers, LC.

thank you man, I appreciate that very much
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 29, 2018, 04:34:36 PM
Thanks for sharing LM. I almost went onto an escort site this Friday evening and thankful that I managed to click away, so we are all each of us here only a step away from doing the right thing or shifting into old habits. Unfortunately, I spent hours during the day at work, on the work computer cruising Facebook pages of people who were very triggering to my "inner circle" behaviour, people who are in my fetish zone. So, I feel it set me back a bit in terms of habits, but one thing I realised is, as you say here, it wasn't like before when I would just zone out and feel terrible. I have more hope today. You're doing the right things - training, seeing someone to talk to and posting here.  Keep pushing man, we're in this war together.

thanks very much Fly
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 29, 2018, 04:38:11 PM
Hi guys,

feeling better than yesterday.

And on mondays I usually feel worse because I sleep less.

Not the case fortunately.

But yesterday was a heads up.

I must prepare myself for the worse cause my brain  will come back with the bad stuff sooner or later.

Today I worked a decent amount of hours, which was one of the goals I had.

I trained too, my self steem is a bit higher.

Today I'll take some natural sleeping pills in order to make sure that I sleep my hours straight away.

Cheers

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 01, 2018, 05:36:55 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on February 02, 2018, 03:49:17 AM
Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

LM, this is such a heart-felt post, really touching I must say. I've been reading and hearing a lot of negative stuff on these forums and in my recovery spaces. So many people are struggling and fighting and getting down on themselves when they are anything less than perfect, which invariable leads to more sin. They rely so much on their own strength.

But your post here reminds me that I need to trust more and more in Jesus. I've been reading the Gospels, just finished Matthew and on Mark 5, reading a chapter a day, and only now reading your post do I realise what the book is saying, that the Lord can make miracles happen in our lives, we just have to believe and live in expectant faith. Saying a prayer for you my friend, may you received strength and joy in your recovery journey.  :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 04, 2018, 08:04:32 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

LM, this is such a heart-felt post, really touching I must say. I've been reading and hearing a lot of negative stuff on these forums and in my recovery spaces. So many people are struggling and fighting and getting down on themselves when they are anything less than perfect, which invariable leads to more sin. They rely so much on their own strength.

But your post here reminds me that I need to trust more and more in Jesus. I've been reading the Gospels, just finished Matthew and on Mark 5, reading a chapter a day, and only now reading your post do I realise what the book is saying, that the Lord can make miracles happen in our lives, we just have to believe and live in expectant faith. Saying a prayer for you my friend, may you received strength and joy in your recovery journey.  :)

Thanks man. Thanks so much for your support and prayer. Although it might be tough to realise sometimes, I believe that Jesus always listens to us and if we ask him for help he will always do so, cause he is extremely compassionate.

Thanks Fly, your story, your evolution and your conversion are not only good news for me, but a reminder that recovery is possible whatever situation and also I feel lucky to share all this with you. At least we have one another, maybe things get easier if felt together.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 04, 2018, 08:28:48 PM
Hi guys,

just finished day 46

Sometimes I felt weak these days, even thought about doing it.

But in case I slipped I still got my computer and mobile blockers.

I've been talking to this girl, actually is another girl from the one of the other day; cause it's true that she's not on the mood for anything romantic right now.

And maybe it's not that bad cause I'd like to recover and fix some things of mi life. This girl is gorgeous and I would like to share a better moment of my life with her. Obviously if something happens I wan't hate it :)) But she's not my priority right now.

In fact girls aren't right now. My priorities are recovery and work.

The other day I looked at my unexpected expenditure and I figured out the way of dealing with it. It seems that things aren't as bad as they seemed and that I over reacted.

Today I just payed my credit card and at least I could make the payment.

The thing is what will happen next month, but there's still 3 or 4 more weeks left to work.

Going back to the other girl, I'm kind of flirting with her online, she's from another country and it felt good to connect with her.

I guess recovery and all those hours of watching youtube dating videos are working.



 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 14, 2018, 05:57:54 PM
Hi,

on my way to day 55

Humble and aware.

Yestarday I went to the therapist. Cool to have enough money to pay him.

Trully my 2018 #1 goal is to quit, so I happily spend my money in a therapist.

Other things are secondary, but if I had to chose another one it would be work.

It's the first time in my life where I kind of like what I do.

Of course there's many negative things in my life, but I wanna focus on those two areas of my life, focus, focus.

I think P has been a great disfocuser of my life.

Third thing would be girls but much more  far away on the list.

I'm amazed what happens when you're emotionally strong or kind of strong.

WARNING: Many Social Media Triggers ahead, with no sexual content.

It's the first time in my life where girls which are not my girlfriend actually text me, I mean initiate contact. Never happened that to me before ;)

I wanna thank coach Corey Wayne for his amazing job. He has a free book online and thousands of videos on you tube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1VA8zhH1KA&list=WL&index=3 here's his last video for st valentine

one of his "rules" is to treat texts as a tenis game: when the ball is on her side, you just have to wait for the response. She might never answer, but you've got to stick to the rule :P

Today I posted some pictures on instagram with girls, and "coincidentally" a girl who didn't answer me back for a couple days finally answered with a renoved interest and dare.

It was easy to get her whatsapp and it was fun to chat and voice message with her.

It's amazing to feel my sexuality and connect with real free girls, just for the sake of attraction.

My adolescence and youth where totally castrated by P. Now at least I can do the stuff I should have done when I was 16

You all guys know that back in 1996 there wasn't social media at all. There was irc and so, but well...you know. Wasn't the same.

The thing is that I should have met many people, especially girls, but I was too busy with P.

Now I'm kind of getting my time back.

It's hard for me to accept my past, but I'm proud of dealing with it right now.

One day at a time 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on February 15, 2018, 02:10:03 AM
One day at a time indeed! Sounds like you're approaching the whole "dating game"  with caution while being relaxed about it, now major expectations and really just exploring the dynamics of attraction while focusing on recovery and emotional healing. Really powerful!

I mean, if this girl or that girl doesn't respond, then there is no big deal, they are free to do what they need to do.

I remember when I was dating while in the grips of P, or rather while I was unaware of the inner issues that were driving my addiction. I would meet a girl and immediately obsess about that girl until she go so turned off that she would ignore me or firmly "friend zone" me.

Then I would seek comfort in P or some substance, or even escorts, and ruin my internal energy further. The cycle of addiction would continue, and while in the world I would late see some girl who I would imagine was the greatest thing ever and crush on her, hesitant to speak to her with the sneaking suspicion that she would be turned off.

I'm really thankful for recovery, and also coming to understand a bit more about attraction, although I never wanted to be a player.

Wishing you all the best as you allow the woman of your dreams find you :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 17, 2018, 09:30:15 AM
One day at a time indeed! Sounds like you're approaching the whole "dating game"  with caution while being relaxed about it, now major expectations and really just exploring the dynamics of attraction while focusing on recovery and emotional healing. Really powerful!

I mean, if this girl or that girl doesn't respond, then there is no big deal, they are free to do what they need to do.

I remember when I was dating while in the grips of P, or rather while I was unaware of the inner issues that were driving my addiction. I would meet a girl and immediately obsess about that girl until she go so turned off that she would ignore me or firmly "friend zone" me.

Then I would seek comfort in P or some substance, or even escorts, and ruin my internal energy further. The cycle of addiction would continue, and while in the world I would late see some girl who I would imagine was the greatest thing ever and crush on her, hesitant to speak to her with the sneaking suspicion that she would be turned off.

I'm really thankful for recovery, and also coming to understand a bit more about attraction, although I never wanted to be a player.

Wishing you all the best as you allow the woman of your dreams find you :)

Wow Fly. Thank you very much for your message.

Yeah I was like that too. That's what I meant with emotional strenght.

I believe that needenes and stuff come from scarcety, fear and emotional weakness.

And as you desribed right now, P and other shit just makes things worse.

I really remember being on my 18 and 19`s  and going to a club with a friend, and just not having the balls to speak with any girl. And if I did nothing happened. I was so clueless and scared.

Then I got home and went straight away to my computer and acted out. Just poored my frustration into P.

So the reality is that I was a virgin with real girls and very active with online simulation.

Stupid as I could be.

After all these years I've worked on myself a lot and now what I have to offer to girls is much better.

But obviously not every girl has to like it. And that's kind of ok.

I think that P has played an active role in many of my frustrations, while I was using it just for the opposite.

Know that I'm more aware of the problem i feel less stupid and a little bit wiser, although I feel that I'm still clueless about many things.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 01, 2018, 05:10:09 PM
Hi,

on my way to day 70

My brain feels pretty good lately.

My humour is pretty good, more happy and cheerfull.

My job is good.

I'm talking to girls online. Not pretty exciting, maybe I'll leave that later on.

Met up with my family the other day.

Everything good minus a critisism from my brother.

He's crazy man. Always has been. Lately he's better cause he's in love, but he can't get rid of his negativity.

I bet if I had a place of my own he wouldn't treat me like that.

He's living in a luxiourius flat paying 1/5 of the normal rent, because it's my mother's...

don't want to be like that when I'm his age, man.

He was the person to advise me I stayed in my mother's until I could figure out what I wanted to do.

At first I thought it was good advise.

After all these years of this confortable but also disgusting situation, I've realised that he transferred his frame of mind.

Maye another person would have never advised me to do that. Just keep on going and find a quick job, but never stay in my mother`s.

It's a matter of mentallity. There's people who depend on their parents. That's my brother and me. I took his advise that's my responsability.

He's an awfull advisor man. Every day I respect him less. But also I love him more. I see him as an equal now. He's not wise. We just wanna learn our best way.

I'm trying to break free.

But right now my priority is recovery and work.

I've got to confess I haven't worked all the hours these days.

But at least I kept away from P.

I think it was yesterday when I had what I beleive it was an important encounter with P

Trigger warning: mentioning sites that might have P content and triggering words.

I have my computer blocked, but I saw a Netflix add which said something about the hidden categories.

I have an equivalent to Netflix and I went straight away to check that.

I don't know why I did it. It wasn't the typical urge to act out.

It was more a "guilty visiting the crime scene" thing.

Although I'm perfectly aware that I'm not recovered yet, I wasn't up to go any further.

It was kind of contacting my previous life.

I felt the rush, just like I felt it when I was 14.

All those front pages, more explicit than I expected.

All those stupid images. I just went there for 20 or 40 secs.

Those images were the same that hooked me up when I was 14. Cause they were the tipical "long movies" similar to those of the 90's.

And the amazing thing is that I realised how stupid it was.

And more: how stupid I have been all these years.

I've been so stupid to let that enter my life.

But now I'm better. And a better person.

I think I'm on the right track and doing the right steps.

I also think it wasn't a good idea to do that, it was risky and I could feel my brain is sensitive to that stuff. 



Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 04, 2018, 04:05:15 PM
Hi guys,

on my way to day 73.

Not feeling great today.

Maybe it's because I feel lonely.

These days I think I'm becoming good at distinguishing how I feel.

My tendency is to go directly to P. But now I realised that sometimes I feel ansious or stressed for ridiculous reasons or situations.

For instance: yesterday I felt ansious after doing the grosseries. And the worst thing is that I went on foot, so there's not even a car involved.

I really don't know why I feel like that. Don't think it's because I talked to the cashier.

It's like my brain is pathologically in an alarm mode. It's ridicoulous.

I would like things to be really different.

Let's fantasize about it. Let's feel it, taste it.

Peace, satisfaction, success.

Today I had a little trouble. My eternal friend, temptation is here.

Not surprised. I haven't got to my world record: 3 months and 3 weeks.

Last time I started having trouble in month 2 and especially in month 3.

My brain just melted down.

So I must be prepared for the worst.

I believe that satisfaction and peace is just here.

We only have to grab it.

I'm as not practical as I could be.

Who is 37 and lives with his mother?

Yeah my finances are a mess.

But I wanna recover. Recover, recover.

In fact, I'm recovering.

Just 2 years ago 70 days was just impossible. I was used to 7 days.

This is 10 times better. And the pain is not as escruciating.

If got to let my brain melt down.

I will die. My old me has to die. I want him dead. Dead.

And I will re live in this same life.

Now I'm a recovering junkie, a zombie.

Just die. Dead.

Got to let this happen. Embrace this death.

And a new person will emerge. Sober, more prepared to face my problems.

My brain, my body.

2018 is the year of my brain.

My brain. 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on March 05, 2018, 04:45:24 AM
Hey LM,  not sure if you saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7TwURjJo80&t=3894s

I think I have similar amount of "clean time" as you. Feeling similar feelings of emotional distress. But we have to stay believing that it will pass, pain is temporary. You are doing great and as you say, you are in a much better place than at the height of addiction. Stay strong man, please don't give in. We cannot allow this disease to win more souls.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 05, 2018, 05:24:44 PM
Hey LM,  not sure if you saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7TwURjJo80&t=3894s

I think I have similar amount of "clean time" as you. Feeling similar feelings of emotional distress. But we have to stay believing that it will pass, pain is temporary. You are doing great and as you say, you are in a much better place than at the height of addiction. Stay strong man, please don't give in. We cannot allow this disease to win more souls.

Thanks Fly for your support. I need it. Makes me feel better.

I'm a little scared cause I can tell what's comming. The pain.

Scared of pain. It's natural. And especially when I felt it before.

Thanks for the video yeah I saw it before. But thanks.

I don't know whats going on why this is sooo slow.

90 days is not reboot :p

Last time 90 days plus 45 days...that's 135 days...

No 90 days don't work for me man.

Now I passed the 70 days and the pain starts comming...

It's this feeling...mildly tempting...

Good thing is that I'm sleeping good lately, this is helping me a ton

I wake up really rested and energysed.

Well I'm strong.

Guard up

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on March 06, 2018, 01:03:56 AM
 :) I believe the good Lord is doing a powerful work in your life. Just stay faithful. I don't think people quite appreciate how powerful a recovery from P can be in not only transforming their lives, but of those around us. The pain is worth every minute when we come out the other side.

I would recommend some serious self-care and non-sexual self-loving activities. Like, allowing yourself some guilt-free quiet time, a walk in a park, going out to a movie, a relaxing bubble bath, an evening doing nothing, cleaning up in your space and lighting a candle/incense, some meditation, just anything that will change your state and make you feel good in this difficult time.

In fact, we should be doing self-care even when we feel good, to condition ourselves and leave no room for P to creep in as an easy form of escape.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 06, 2018, 11:15:37 PM
:) I believe the good Lord is doing a powerful work in your life. Just stay faithful. I don't think people quite appreciate how powerful a recovery from P can be in not only transforming their lives, but of those around us. The pain is worth every minute when we come out the other side.

I would recommend some serious self-care and non-sexual self-loving activities. Like, allowing yourself some guilt-free quiet time, a walk in a park, going out to a movie, a relaxing bubble bath, an evening doing nothing, cleaning up in your space and lighting a candle/incense, some meditation, just anything that will change your state and make you feel good in this difficult time.

In fact, we should be doing self-care even when we feel good, to condition ourselves and leave no room for P to creep in as an easy form of escape.

Thanks man ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 08, 2018, 01:18:44 PM
Hi.

Day 75 clean

Today I feel a bit better.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 10, 2018, 05:41:25 PM
77 days clean

Today I read all my diary from the start.

It shocked me to discover that I started posting more than 2 years ago.

It was a bit discorouging, but also I must say that I'm much better than back then.

As I said in a recent post, I used to stand 7 days or so, maybe 2 weeks.

Now I'm clean for more than 70 days, 10 times more, or so.

It's been interesting to rea my past life, when having all the spoilers.

At the begginig I was more pumped up.

When I was hitting the 2 weeks for the first time.

Now I kind of more skeptical, cause I realise that there's much work to be done still.

Lately  I haven't fealt gret.

My brain's not good.

Will try to sleep more.

I've thought of getting a job in the summer if things don't work out.

Currently I have 3 jobs.

The main one is par time and I have a contract for 8 and a half months per year.

I have a fix salary there.

The other two are sales related and I only get comission.

The thing is that this past summer I didn't get paid at all, so I had financial problems which have lasted until the end of winter.

So I believe that this cannot happen again.

I just cannot afford to let it happen again.

That's why if things don't work out with comission, I will work part time in the summer too, in a fix salary job.

Would like to work only in sales for the summer and september, but if it's not possible, never mind. I don't want to struggle again with that stuff.

Now things are slitly better, but I still have some challenges ahead.

Today I re read all my posts because I started with tempation.

I think it was a good idea. I feel much better.

Soon I will write a letter to my addiction.

Now I'm a bit tired. I'm going to sleep soon.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 11, 2018, 12:52:03 PM
Letter to my addiction:

Dear addiction,

you've been with me since I was 14.

That changed my life forever. It changed my character, my soul my day and my night.

You kind of wanted to protect me from the world. But the truth is that a kid has to fall several times in order to learn to walk. I was so focused on you, so obsessed that my grades went down, my popularity. My adolescence was gone, then my youth. I didn't meet enough people because of you, because you blocked me.

And no one forced me to be with you. I did it because I wanted to, because I didn't know to do better.

I want to thank you for all the company you gave to me, all the dedication. But the fact is that your company cannot substitute the company of real people, connection, affection.

And being with you also is pleasent. Thanks for that too. I had a lot of pleasure. But also being with you creates a lot of pain, ansiety, whithdrawal, beyond the unimaginable. I suffered such an excruciating pain I cannot explain. Not a good deal at all.

I know you wanna come back. But you've gotta understand that I don't want you anymore. I've blocked my cell phone, my computer. And you still wanna come back.

My question is: why so much interest in me? What do you lose letting me go?

Who wants me to be just a shadow of my best version, a junky, a zombie?

It dawns on me that you don't want me to be good at all. Your intentions are sick, evil.

You're a sick fuck. If you loved me you would help me with my relationship with God, with Jesus, with my religion.

If you loved me you would take care of my health, my brain, my body.

If you loved me you would help me buy and wear fancy clothes, wash them and iron them.

If you loved me you would help me rent the house of my dreams, clean it and take good care of it.

If you loved me you would help me manage my finances better.

You would help me with my family, you would help me with my friends, my aquiantances and my work.

But what you're doing is you're holding me back from all of that.

You're terrorised, you don't want me to leave because you know that without me and people like me you're nothing.

Porn is nothing without people's attention.

You need us. And many of us don't want you.

You're harming us. You're love is the love of a dependant sick fuck. A nobody. A pimp who exploits his hoes.

You know what? Fuck you, you're employees, fuck the croocked polititians who defend your existance. They are loyal to you but they don't trick me anynmore.

I might be weak sometimes but I'll always know that I discovered you as what you are.

Good bye

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on March 13, 2018, 02:47:18 AM
I relate to this letter very strongly, especially the part about the impact the acting out had on you.

One day at a time man, we just need to make sure we do better each day while remaining gentle and loving.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 14, 2018, 04:54:09 PM
I relate to this letter very strongly, especially the part about the impact the acting out had on you.

One day at a time man, we just need to make sure we do better each day while remaining gentle and loving.

thanks Fly ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 17, 2018, 03:54:17 PM
Hi guys,

Day 86 without P

Had problems in the fix job but didn't let my boss yell at me. She's crazy. As the job ends every june, I will just quit in a few months. Money wasn't good eitherways so it's not a big deal.

The economy in my country is better than 2 years ago, so I guess I can find a new job much easily than before.

I've done some research and there's plenty of job for me. I won't quit now for my students.

So I will start making interviews in short.

I've confronted this lady several times. She's by far the worst boss I've ever had.

Whatever.

I've shared this information with some people and I think it's good to take it out of my chest.

I'm aware I usually spend my weekends alone, which in terms of relationships with people it's not very good.

Not this years priority. Trully money has been a big issue.



Happily my mother is not here this weekend though. This is good. When the heat comes she starts leaving somewhere else.

This winter has been the best one between both of us. I'm more assertive, I can manage her better. The fact is that she's crazy. I believe she has a narcisistic disorder, just like my boss.

But now I don't get along with all their bullshit.

On thursday I went to sleep early and someone called my mother late, which woke me up.

Not being that enough she opens the living room door with her tv really loud and after 2 minutes like that she knoks on the door and starts asking where is her news paper. I didn't answer, it was 11 at night.

I'ts so sad that someone is so self centered and poor in her soul.

Then I went to the bathroom and when I came out there she was again with the question which I totally ignored and said: I just want to sleep.

She says: but you're out of the room

I answer: because you woke me up

In other periods of my life I would have given here my attention.

I know that it's not her intention to annoy me, but I'm glad I don't go along with her bullshit anymore.

By the way: I never bring her newspaper with me.

Today I had a mini celebration because I realised that's there's par time jobs out there.

Pretty well paid. Those kind of jobs interest me because I can combine them with my only comission selling business.

The fact that I don't have to depend any more of my crazy boss is pretty relieving.

I'm paying my debt and in june I will find something else. That job only gave me work 8,5 months per year.

Comission currently is low, sow what I wanna do is have a part time fix job for every single month of my life.

It always have been dificult for me to be practical and realistic with some things.

But I've worked a lot to change things and now everything is different.

I don't need much money to survive cause I'm pretty austere.

I will pay my debt off improving jobs and I will get the hell out of this emotinal rat hole.

When I was away of my mother's my relationship with her improved a lot.

I will do every thing in my power to leave by next november.

It was last year's plan but I failed in the execution cause I really thought comission would provide.

Now I've realised that although I'm working with big brands my business is mine and there's a lot of stuff to do.

I got to have my part time job so I can pay rent and stuff. My business is on the side of that.

One thing I've gotta say. The crazy bitch, my boss, always pays me on time.

And I value that.

Along with all of that I realised that it was me who screwed up.

I chose being an addict and I chose my jobs, my home, etc.

My mother is not obliged to take care of me. She's 70 for goodness sake.

Time to put my big boy pants on.

Never to late.

We play with the cards which were handed to us.

Trying to make my best.

In terms of temptation I'm at 30% aprox. It doesn't feel very good. I've thought about doing it but among other things I realised porn has made me not evolve in my life. It has dragged my matureness down. 

So today I'm gonna stay clean.

Also I M today and it doesn't feel very well when I walk through the streets I can feel less energy.

Cheers

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 21, 2018, 02:45:48 PM
Hi,

day 90 clean from P.

Been here once. I know that I still got work to do.

Temptation is at 20% today.

I really wanna quit.

Among other things, because every week and every month that I stay clean I realise how P has dragged me down.

Sometimes I'm able to experience a glimps of what feeling good might be: my brain stabilizes for a few seconds and I experience reality in a unique way.

It kind of reminds me of before I started with P and even with M.

Not been as productive I would have liked lately, but I did work a decent amount of hours.

The other day I explained my story to one of my best friends. He's not the first person I've talked about it but this time was different because I'm better.

Before talking about it with my counciler, It has been several years since I ever spoke to someone that actually knows me.

And this time it was so reliefing. I could literally feel I got something out of my chest.

I think that can help me.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on March 28, 2018, 12:01:43 PM
Hey LM,

I totally relate to the feeling low on energy. For me, I don't think the relapse hurts as much as the feeling of wanting to always escape into something, to just ignore the things I have to face on a daily basis, people I don't like, things I wish for more in. Your last two posts really spoke to me and what I'm going through now.

I also relate to you when you say it was you who messed up. I find a lot of us in addiction tend to blame everything else, like our family, the P industry, the government or whatever, for our addiction. But in the end we have to pull our big boy pants up.

I feel sick that every day, I've been spending time on social media looking up profiles of people who stimulate me, and things that entertain me, like comedy videos instead of doing my work. I've lost so much focus I had built up over the long time.

Thanks so much for these posts man, they really remind me to be thankful despite the people who create problems for me or the struggles I feel. I mean, some people I know have no work at all and have to rely on the goodwill of people. At least I have a job.

In fact, there are people sleeping in the streets who have to dig in garbage bags to eat. There are people, who are wealthy and famous, but they are in the grips of addiction and illness, no amount of money can help them.

Taking one step at a time, remembering that each day is a gift.

P.S. Hang on for much longer and beware of the 90 day complacency that I was reminded of after I relapsed at 90 days.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 29, 2018, 05:08:51 PM
Hey LM,

I totally relate to the feeling low on energy. For me, I don't think the relapse hurts as much as the feeling of wanting to always escape into something, to just ignore the things I have to face on a daily basis, people I don't like, things I wish for more in. Your last two posts really spoke to me and what I'm going through now.

I also relate to you when you say it was you who messed up. I find a lot of us in addiction tend to blame everything else, like our family, the P industry, the government or whatever, for our addiction. But in the end we have to pull our big boy pants up.

I feel sick that every day, I've been spending time on social media looking up profiles of people who stimulate me, and things that entertain me, like comedy videos instead of doing my work. I've lost so much focus I had built up over the long time.

Thanks so much for these posts man, they really remind me to be thankful despite the people who create problems for me or the struggles I feel. I mean, some people I know have no work at all and have to rely on the goodwill of people. At least I have a job.

In fact, there are people sleeping in the streets who have to dig in garbage bags to eat. There are people, who are wealthy and famous, but they are in the grips of addiction and illness, no amount of money can help them.

Taking one step at a time, remembering that each day is a gift.

P.S. Hang on for much longer and beware of the 90 day complacency that I was reminded of after I relapsed at 90 days.

Thanks Fly,

I'm glad my posts help you.

Yours help me too.

In my case temptation has been the worst pain in my life. By far.

It has been so painful I cannot explain. Luckily those days are gone and now at least I can manage temptation and stuff. Right now I'm feeling it at 10 or 15%.

Yeah latelty I realised I've been blaming my family for my addiction.

But as the addiction got smaller, I realised it was the other way round: the addiction was screwing my life up, including the relationship with my family and my lack of independance towards them.

I think that you'll watch less porn and less social media to the extent you realise the harm those make upon you, and you really figure out what are your priorities.

When you make a real decision about social media you will find the way of quitting that too. I'm sure. Maybe Focus Me software might help?

Don't know. I used to use it against porn, but I left it for K9 because it's more reliable.

But for something like social media it might work out for you. I think it was like 10 bucks and it helps focus. Don't know man. But I'm sure you'll be ok with everything.

If you're watching stuff instead of working maybe it's because in reality that's what motivates you more.

Sometimes I do it too and it makes me feel numb in terms of brain. I feel foggy and stuff. I think that shit doesn't help us at all.

Maybe this helps you: when I feel disfocused I ask myself why I wanted the work in the first place. Another thing that helped me is: change activity after half hour work, or so. Trying to finish up each thing at a time.

I don't know. I might not be the best advisor on that. My brain is not the healthiest one right now.

People might dig in garbadge and that's their decision too. They preffer that against stealing or dying from hunger. But maybe they could do other stuff too. 

But the question is: what do you wanna do and why. What do you like to do and for what are you being paid.

Part of my work is as a freelance and lately I've realised that when I don't do the stuff I'm supposed to do, I'm not acting as an employee. Cause as a boss if I found out that one of my workers does that, I would fire him in the third occasion.

Nevertheless I'm very indulgent with myself and this has been going on for too long.

Thanks man, I appreciate your comments and I think you're doing a good job.

At least you're doing something about it and your better than a while ago.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 08, 2018, 10:50:10 AM
108 days clean from P

Yesterday I went to my brother's wedding.

I was glad to see him so happy.

I could afford a fine present and I mingled with people.

I drove there alone and had independence.

Sometimes I just wonder where's my ansiety.

It has been with me for so long that sometimes I catch myself wondering where it is.

Sometimes it is there, but the surprising thing is when it's not.

It's so incredible.

I know that ansiety comes and goes very slowly, so with this little moments without it, I realise that if I keep up, in a few months I will feel even better.

Temptation is 5-10% now.

Yesterday I didn't drink a lot. I don't like to drink too much any more. I preffer sobriety.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 15, 2018, 03:46:43 PM
115 days clean from P.

Last time my World Record was 111 days, so I've hit my record.

I'm in an unknown zone right now. Never been here before.

This week I'm happy cause I could work a decent amount of hours.

Temptation is at 5-6% right now.

Last Easter was a spiritual renewal for me, and I've been experiencing good things from Religion lately. I think it's because after some months without P my relationship with God has improved. There's a missing shadow uppon me.

My brain is pretty calm, although many times I tell myself to calm down and that everything will be all right.

It occurred to me that the reason why I'm always in a nervous state is because for decades my brain has suffered from ansiety and pain from what apperently had no reason.

That made my brain keep in a constant state of alert and fear from the pain that at any moment could come up.

Now that tempation and ansiety levels are going down my brain is starting to calm down and put off the alert mode.

Sometimes I work out, but less than I wanted. But it doesn't bother me cause I only have one goal for this year. Stopping. Everything else is extra. Good and desirable, but extra.

Money is manageble at the moment and I'm committed to get a wage every month.

My relationships are improving and sometimes I feel connected with people, like yesterday, when a waitress treated me really well during all the dinner after I joked with her at the beggining.

Steps are small but solid I guess.

Stopping is key for recovery.

Thank you God.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on April 17, 2018, 05:11:10 AM
Thanks for this update LM, really good to see you are in a space of recovery.

I wouldn't say you are in unknown territory though, I believe the more we stay off the P, the more we get to know ourselves and the world, like an old familiar friend we haven't seen in a long time, or like a prisoner coming home after a long time locked up. We come home and find that while things have change, they are so familiar and comforting. We no longer feel the need to watch our backs like before, and we begin to relax and get to know people without suspicion.

One day at a time..
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 17, 2018, 04:12:53 PM
Thanks for this update LM, really good to see you are in a space of recovery.

I wouldn't say you are in unknown territory though, I believe the more we stay off the P, the more we get to know ourselves and the world, like an old familiar friend we haven't seen in a long time, or like a prisoner coming home after a long time locked up. We come home and find that while things have change, they are so familiar and comforting. We no longer feel the need to watch our backs like before, and we begin to relax and get to know people without suspicion.

One day at a time..

Thanks man. Your comparison with the prisoner that comes back home is just brilliant. It didn't occur to me. And yeah, I can remember mysef before everything started, first with M and afterwords with awful P, when my life changed forever.

Now I'm comming back home from prison. Thanks God and thank you for the idea ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on April 18, 2018, 06:51:18 AM
Thanks man. Your comparison with the prisoner that comes back home is just brilliant. It didn't occur to me. And yeah, I can remember mysef before everything started, first with M and afterwords with awful P, when my life changed forever.

Now I'm comming back home from prison. Thanks God and thank you for the idea ;)

Yeah man, and when we relapse, we end up locked up again. Then we have to slowly be reintroduced to society. Places like this forum are here to teach us and show us how to "live on the outside" so we don't have to relapse and get arrested again. :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 22, 2018, 04:35:20 PM
121 days free from P

That's more than 4 months. I'm kind of starting to believe.

But I know I'm still in danger.

I had a bit of temptation lately but nothing too serious.

I feel I'm between two worlds in many aspects of my life. And I guess that's not good.

Rebuilding my life.

When things get tough I just repeat to myself that this year's main goal is to stop.

And so far I making it.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on April 24, 2018, 01:54:04 AM
I relate to feeling tempted, had a dream last night where I was ogling a woman and then approached her to find she wasn't what I expected, I won't say anymore. The night before I had a dream I had drunk a lot of booze and was trying to hide it from my wife. Been feeling a bit under the weather recently, trying to stay warm, it's freezing in my part of the world.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 30, 2018, 02:00:36 PM
I relate to feeling tempted, had a dream last night where I was ogling a woman and then approached her to find she wasn't what I expected, I won't say anymore. The night before I had a dream I had drunk a lot of booze and was trying to hide it from my wife. Been feeling a bit under the weather recently, trying to stay warm, it's freezing in my part of the world.

I guess one of the best warmths in the world is personal connection and love
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 30, 2018, 02:46:55 PM
Day 129 clean of P

Today I'm in temptation, my demon. My brain is craving a bit. I'm like 15-20% and it starts to be painful.

I have the intuition it's because I'm worried about something. My natural tendency is to avoid the problems of my life with P, so let's look closely to every part of my life and try to get a bit of perspective withour running away.

First of all my job. Today I started to search for a new job for the summer. I must confess that it was a bit harder than I thought, so that might be something that worries me.

I still have 1 and a half months of contract, but the sole thought of running away of money haunts me. Let's just focus and don't invent imaginary problems yet, when I still have time and I'm doing something about it.

The other day I kissed a girl and it had been a long time since my last kiss, like 8 months. In general I think that's good, but what worries me is that human relationships are so complicated.

I mean to get that kiss there's so much involved. And we didn't do much more. So limits are a "problem". You know, P is so immeadiate and fast, there's so much adrenaline involved. I remember how my heart pumped the last time I pipped those images for 20 seconds. And today I had a rush just for thinking about it when I saw a triggering non P image.

Images don't have personality or interaction, they can't reject you. You don't have to call them bla bla. And I think I feel much more atracted to P than to real girls.

Now that I'm not as dependant as I used to be, connecting with girls is more difficult, cause before I connected with dependant girls whith whome I developed a dependant relationship.

Now everything is much more dull. And I guess my ansiety doesn't help me with my charm. But I've gotta realise that I've got to recover before I can be really charming and attract high quality women I guess. I've got to fix many things of my life, such as ansiety and money. Step by step.

But I do miss P today.

Lately I realised one of my closest friends laughs at me when he's drunk and I don't like that at all.

My mother is leaving the flat somedays and that is good.

I'm kind of training lately.

I feel a bit nervous sometimes and stuff and I just try to calm myself.

My relationship with God is relatively good.

I still got debt, but today I finished paying one of my 3 debts, wich has been kind of cool. It's been pretty reliefing to pay that away, plus if I need the money again they will lend it to me straight away. Next month I will pay even less interest and I will be able to pay even more debt away.

My room is fairly tidy.

My clothes are pretty ok and stuff.

So probably it's for the job changes and for the chick I kissed.

I kind of wish I could date a really hot chick but the truth is that she might be hot, but untill I fix some things of my life I will attract chicks with issues. Even if I did, I would have to deal with her personality :P

I believe I attract what I am.

I wanna heal, don't want to through away all these months for a rush that will give me a lot of ansiety later on.

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 01, 2018, 04:08:01 PM
130 day clean from P

Not feeling very well today.

Holyday today. I feel pretty lonely.

I feel I'm between 2 worlds. My real motivation is still P, I can feel it. It's what has driven me for decades.

But I wanna change that and to do so I must stop. 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on May 03, 2018, 08:30:58 AM
Keep it up man, you are stronger than that, and it is not your identity. Your true identity is much greater than P..

Anyway, I can attest to the fact that while it might be enjoyable in the moment, the excruciating feeling of being paranoid that the universe is preparing some major consequence just after a relapse, is not fun at all.

I've made peace with the fact that I have slipped, I've decided I won't take it out on anyone. I draw strength from your success, please stay strong. And not to put pressure on you, I will work and take responsibility for my own recovery, but your progress is showing us that it is possible.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 03, 2018, 02:57:15 PM
Keep it up man, you are stronger than that, and it is not your identity. Your true identity is much greater than P..

Anyway, I can attest to the fact that while it might be enjoyable in the moment, the excruciating feeling of being paranoid that the universe is preparing some major consequence just after a relapse, is not fun at all.

I've made peace with the fact that I have slipped, I've decided I won't take it out on anyone. I draw strength from your success, please stay strong. And not to put pressure on you, I will work and take responsibility for my own recovery, but your progress is showing us that it is possible.

thanks Fly, an honour to be an inspiration.

And yeah, I wanna shout that this is possible.

But I wanna share also the non epic part of the story.

Not every day I feel well.

And in terms of identity, I believe that at the moment my true identity is P

I mean my natural tendency is P

I've been addicted to this shit since I was 14...that's 23 years ago...I've been on this far more than half of my life...

It's my identity, part of what I am...I'm more things though...professionally and personally...but it's been hard work to understand and to accept what I am...a junky.

That doesn't mean that I don't wanna change...I do wanna change and actually I'm doing something about it

but before I tell to myself that I'm over all this I will have to be clean for a long time and also (and this I believe is very important) I will have to feel good, healthy.

I don't know if I'm strong or weak, after all the struggles this is far from epic.

 I only know that today I'm clean and that it's been more than 4 months since the last time I saw such a disgusting and harmful thing.

thanks for your support and confort, man

regards
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on May 04, 2018, 05:41:25 AM
You are doing a great thing, and it is important to have long clean time.

But I wish to disagree, your identity is definitely not P, I pray that you start to see that, that you start to see your identity as someone who has a higher moral compass.

There are many people out there allow P into their lives no problem, and they are happy with it. You have chosen a different path, which is more noble.

I started on my P journey when I was 10, which means almost 27 years in this mess, increasingly foul material coming into my mind..

No brother, this is not the life we were created for my our creator. I'm not sure if you are religious, but here is a passage that really spoke to me in my morning readings:

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

The enemy wants us to believe we are destined to be in "sin" and destruction, but our creator is there to tell us we are beings of light, life and love. This is your true identity, not what the enemy (the evil in the world) wants you to believe. Stay well brother..
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 06, 2018, 11:25:01 AM
You are doing a great thing, and it is important to have long clean time.

But I wish to disagree, your identity is definitely not P, I pray that you start to see that, that you start to see your identity as someone who has a higher moral compass.

There are many people out there allow P into their lives no problem, and they are happy with it. You have chosen a different path, which is more noble.

I started on my P journey when I was 10, which means almost 27 years in this mess, increasingly foul material coming into my mind..

No brother, this is not the life we were created for my our creator. I'm not sure if you are religious, but here is a passage that really spoke to me in my morning readings:

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

The enemy wants us to believe we are destined to be in "sin" and destruction, but our creator is there to tell us we are beings of light, life and love. This is your true identity, not what the enemy (the evil in the world) wants you to believe. Stay well brother..

thanks Fly :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on May 31, 2018, 04:23:22 PM
Day 160 clean from P

Sounds a lot and it is but I don't feel well.

I'm on a mild but painful temptation.

I do miss P. And it doesn't go away.

Thinking about true recovery, feeling really good and so on it's just a product of my imagination right now.

I would totally do it.

Thing is that I know that while doing it I would feel weird after all this time and it would be a pitty to throw away more than 5 months of work in just a few minutes.

P is so attached to my personality that it just doesn't go away.

All the theory is awesome but my ansiety is hurting me.

I'm in the middle of job changes and at the time summer money is still not clear at all.

This is what trully happens to me.

I still got to work on handling my stress and ansiety.

It's been difficult to pay debt away, because of the lack of income of last summer.

This time I've learned my lesson and I will work in some paid work in summer, appart from my comission work.

I had 3 credits: 2 small and 1 big

Yesterday I finished paying the second one. Now I'm in a pretty confortable position cause the big one can be paid slowly and interest is relativily reasonable.

But obviously what's on my mind is this summer. In mid june I will finish my paid job and things might get steep.

I've got options cause I'm doing interviews but the thing is that It's hard for me to cope with the worry, stress and ansiety; handling uncertainty.

So then is when the thought of P comes by.

The other day I met a girl and I got her phone number.

But I don't feel strong enough to date anyone right now, I'm too worried and ansious to relax and spend money on a date. That's a fact.

I feel I don't have "real" friends right now.

My mother is crazy but lately my relationship with her is improving. Yesterday I paid all my debt with her away and it was good, awesome. I felt releived and I feel I won't need money from her again. I want to find a way out of all this spiral of debt, non paid work and dependance with the drug of P, and my mother's house.

I want to break free from this imaginary prison, product of my ingorance and the inhability to cope with life like a normal and operative person.

I tidied my room a little these days, it's been a little untidy lately.

I'm wearing summer clothes already and sometimes I work out.

Thing is that I'm a little zombie sometimes and I'm not at all productive at times.

Now that I've shared all this I think I feel much better.

At least I managed the situation comming here instead of watching P or being in pain.

Now I'm going to take a shower and I'm sure I will feel even better. 

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on June 01, 2018, 05:08:14 PM
Hi guys I miss P sooo much, the drug at least. I don't miss all the ansiety, dragging down and lack of freedom which is attached to P.

I'm hurting latelty and I guess it's because I've got the big trigger of my job uncertainty in the summer.

Today I went to a job interview and it was pretty cool. Right now I'm so lucky to be on 3 different job process.

Thing is that sometimes I hate to decide. I fear screwing up. But I've got to make a decision cause in june I've got to change jobs for sure (remember that my contract finishes mid june).

And that triggers me a lot. I don't know if I will be strong enough and it's funny cause I've been more than 5 months clean.

I'm learning that this is not only a matter of time, it's also about how is stress and how are problems in life, how I cope with both.

How should I cope with this situation? What would a normal person do? I'll think about it.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on June 06, 2018, 02:12:19 AM
One step at a time, one day at a time man. Do your best and hand the rest over to God. You made it this far, and thanks to a power greater than us, thanks to your support system, thanks to a revelation about how much you wish to stay clean, not for anything else but because you have give your word to yourself, because you know the harm P does and see a glimpse of what life could be like without it.. Stay strong man, trust in the process.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on June 06, 2018, 05:04:35 PM
One step at a time, one day at a time man. Do your best and hand the rest over to God. You made it this far, and thanks to a power greater than us, thanks to your support system, thanks to a revelation about how much you wish to stay clean, not for anything else but because you have give your word to yourself, because you know the harm P does and see a glimpse of what life could be like without it.. Stay strong man, trust in the process.

thanks fly
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on June 24, 2018, 01:17:36 PM
Hi.

14 days clean of P

Relapsed after 5 months and 18 days.

2 days straight doing it a couple of times.

Then I felt stable and delated de file that allowed me to connect to the poison.

I was stressed about work and got used to shower only once a day so the relaxation bonus was no longer there.

Therapist  told me that he can no longer help me with the addiction, so that's a good sign.

He will help me other stuff.

I have a good job opportunity that seems on the right path.

We'll see where it goes.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on July 19, 2018, 05:00:19 PM
Hi.

Clean from P for 39 days

I had an episode the other day, where I started trying to hack my web blocker.

It was pretty pathetic. After trying for 10 minutes I decided to stop. I actually have another computer with no blockers, but it was helpful to have the barrier.

Latelty I've thought of doing it.

I've had S with two different girls the last 3 weeks. Not the best sex ever.

One of the differences between P and real S is that with real girls not everything is smooth and you have to respect their tastes and limits.

I've been living in this unreal "S" life for years, but it was everything fake.

I work par time this July and soon I will sign a new job contract which might be a game changer for me.

I'm not handling it well but I'm excited

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on August 26, 2018, 02:56:03 PM
Hi guys,

About 20 hours clean of P

This August I messed up and I relapsed heavily. Another computer in my house was free and I used it.

It's been sad to restart again but I will find the way out

Tomorrow I will start a training in a new job. It's a great oportunity to start over and be a better person, earn money and organize my life.

cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on September 15, 2018, 12:09:50 PM
Hi guys,

about 20 days clean from P.

I think one of the things that has helped me more is focusing on my new job.

Things are not easy there but at least I'm focused.

I rest one day and a half a week and maybe the worst struggle is to find things to do those days.

I'm training regularly and I play chess, read and watch good movies.

Now I'm going to watch one.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on September 23, 2018, 02:20:23 PM
Hi guys.

Day 1 clean of Porn.

Very recent relapse. I'm a bit sad now that I read my last post.

Yesterday I went to confession, had mass and communion.

Today I feal a bit better.

On friday I had a bad episode of negativity which I kind of never had before.

It all collapsed. Mentally.

Sometimes it's hard for me to stay positive. It seems that everything in my life is the other way round, everything consists on swimming against the water.

And it seems it's me, not the world.

In 2 weeks I'm going to therapy, and I will tell him about it.

Peace
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on October 04, 2018, 02:00:21 AM
Hi LM,

Long time, I've been off this forum for a while because I was relapsing quite a bit and trying by all means to stay off the Internet. But found it so much easier to go to youtube and social media. There is benefit to coming here, for sure.

Sorry to hear about the recent relapse, I had one recently as well, about two weeks ago, it was bad and scary. The challenge righth now for me, like you say, is staying happy/positive without having to go to youtube to watch hours and hours of funny videos as I hold myself over until my next P relapse.

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day and as I was talking, I realise I was doing exactly what I was advising him about, which is using something outside myself to change how I feel on the inside. It's one of the most challenging thing for me, as I remember being totally addicted to television from childhood, but peace and happiness need to come from inside. It isn't easy, and sometimes we need help, some more than others, but we all struggle towards the same goal.

Take care man, hope it works out..
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 07, 2018, 03:41:39 AM
Hi LM,

Long time, I've been off this forum for a while because I was relapsing quite a bit and trying by all means to stay off the Internet. But found it so much easier to go to youtube and social media. There is benefit to coming here, for sure.

Sorry to hear about the recent relapse, I had one recently as well, about two weeks ago, it was bad and scary. The challenge righth now for me, like you say, is staying happy/positive without having to go to youtube to watch hours and hours of funny videos as I hold myself over until my next P relapse.

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day and as I was talking, I realise I was doing exactly what I was advising him about, which is using something outside myself to change how I feel on the inside. It's one of the most challenging thing for me, as I remember being totally addicted to television from childhood, but peace and happiness need to come from inside. It isn't easy, and sometimes we need help, some more than others, but we all struggle towards the same goal.

Take care man, hope it works out..

thanks Fly

I'm happy to hear about you.

I believe that when people stop comming to the forum: or things are going really well, or really bad.

Now that you mention that, for the last 2 weeks I've being doing this Youtube and Tv diet and it has made me realize how much time I was spending on that, thus how empty is my life.

I think it's a good step cause that broadens the awarness of problems in life which are one of the triggers of addictions.

I trully didn't realise I was spending so much of my free time on tv and youtube.

Now I've narrowed it to 4,5 hours per week without counting religion and no fap shows, although maybe I should just keep it 4,5 hours in plane total hours. It worries me a bit cause I don't even know what I'll do if I stick to that.

Take care
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on October 28, 2018, 02:54:58 PM
Hi guys.

Day 1 again.

I was clean for 10 days or so and relapsed this weekend.

In general I feel pretty good.

Job is better and money is starting to balance up.

I'm working less hours and getting paid more. I think that will help to calm down.

Let's see how it goes.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 11, 2018, 04:55:04 PM
Hi guys,

day 7 free of PMO

not feeling good.

Pretty intense temptation has haunted me sometimes.

I've started to experiment with sugar.

I've heard some addicts use it against withdrawal.

It does work, but not miraculously.

Job and money are better than before, but not smoothe. 

Yesterday I went to a party and I felt quite a lot of ansiety before going.

Once I got there I was better, but I needed half an hour to recover when I got home.

I'm aware that's not good, dude.

What discourages me is that after so many years I'm still like this. Plus only day 7. And not feeling good.

What should I do to truly recover? How should I think. How shoud I talk to myself?

I guess that answer is worth millions, but even if I knew...I don't know if I would find peace and fullfilment.

I'ts been ages since I last saw my closest friends, but I don't want to. I don't feel good.

My relationship with my family is not bad but it's not good eather. I'm in pain.

I've managed to pay some of my debt and save a little money. That gave me a little peace. I believe that I should celebrate that some more.

I've been training a little. Now that I have more time I want to train a bit more.

Sometimes I guet lost in dispair. Eveything is too difficult.

My only strenght is my faith in God. It's stronger than ever and has given me some peace and joy.

Thank you Jesus for all that you give me.

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on November 21, 2018, 03:44:45 AM
Thank you for this post LM, really honest and self-aware, which is powerful because many of us do not even know how to identify our emotions, and how these emotions behave inside our spirits. I'm glad your work situation is getting better, that will go a long way to improving self-esteem.

I relate to asking myself if I will ever get better. One thing that gives me hope is that if I can manage to stay away from P for an extended period, like 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, 18 months, 3 years, etc, I will be very different from who I am today. If I steer clear of it today, I will be different from the person I would have been had I gone ahead and used.

So even though I struggle with social anxiety, fears and self-confidence issues, I keep that thought in the back of my mind, that if I can just hang in there and not act out, I make a small improvement, which is enough for me.

I find the problem comes when I want to see results quickly and sharply, like expecting myself to be this super confident person filled with energy. Hardly. In fact, when I keep my expectations low and humble, the pressure to get those months and years of clean time falls away, at least for today.

Ironically, when I'm not chasing "clean time", I find I am less likely to look at P, at least in that moment. I focus on the blessings of today and when I am met with a situation I would normally shrink away from (internally), I find I have a little bit of confidence coming out.

It reminds me of this passage in Jeremiah 1: "Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the LORD said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The whole chapter itself is amazing, and tells of how God has a destiny for him, and if we can just relax and trust Him, we can find the strength (through Him), to recover in our addiction and to further show up in a more meaningful way in the world. But we must always remember that it is God who provides the power we have and it is for His glory that we work and live.

Hope all is well man, glad to see you still active on here..

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 25, 2018, 03:20:22 PM
Thank you for this post LM, really honest and self-aware, which is powerful because many of us do not even know how to identify our emotions, and how these emotions behave inside our spirits. I'm glad your work situation is getting better, that will go a long way to improving self-esteem.

I relate to asking myself if I will ever get better. One thing that gives me hope is that if I can manage to stay away from P for an extended period, like 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, 18 months, 3 years, etc, I will be very different from who I am today. If I steer clear of it today, I will be different from the person I would have been had I gone ahead and used.

So even though I struggle with social anxiety, fears and self-confidence issues, I keep that thought in the back of my mind, that if I can just hang in there and not act out, I make a small improvement, which is enough for me.

I find the problem comes when I want to see results quickly and sharply, like expecting myself to be this super confident person filled with energy. Hardly. In fact, when I keep my expectations low and humble, the pressure to get those months and years of clean time falls away, at least for today.

Ironically, when I'm not chasing "clean time", I find I am less likely to look at P, at least in that moment. I focus on the blessings of today and when I am met with a situation I would normally shrink away from (internally), I find I have a little bit of confidence coming out.

It reminds me of this passage in Jeremiah 1: "Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the LORD said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The whole chapter itself is amazing, and tells of how God has a destiny for him, and if we can just relax and trust Him, we can find the strength (through Him), to recover in our addiction and to further show up in a more meaningful way in the world. But we must always remember that it is God who provides the power we have and it is for His glory that we work and live.

Hope all is well man, glad to see you still active on here..

Thanks Fly,

your support is much appreciated.

That chapter that you sent me is awesome, thank you ;)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on November 25, 2018, 03:34:00 PM
Hi guys,

day 6 clean from P.

Sugar does actually work for me. Things get a bit better with it.

I'm also experimenting with L-Glutamine.

But everything is still hard.

I wonder where the ansiety comes from, I've realised I had it before P.

Job is better than before. I don't have such a crazy boss anymore. She was really screwed.

Now I have a less crazy boss. But things with her are not going well.

Thing is that this time I'm going to find the way of talking things out with the company and arrange things so I don't have to deal with this toxic person anymore.

I must have bad luck or: due to the fact that I'm poor people try to take advantatge of me and abuse me.

But this time is different.

Pressure is big these days at work but I feel I'm dealing with it a bit better than usual.

I believe that the key of my problem is stress and ansiety. If it's true that this was the issue even before my addiction, if I'm able to solve it, my chances of overcoming the addiction will be far bigger.

Maybe this is not a war against addiction, it's a war against stress and ansiety and learning how to cope with it and reduce it.

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 02, 2018, 02:26:54 PM
hi guys,

13 days clean of P.

I've had very stressful moments this week, but I managed them correctly.

I had a lot of ansiety but I've managed it away from P.

So I had a bit of practice.

Very rough week at work, but it could be an opportunity to change some things for good.

This last year has been a boost for my faith.

Last weekend I went to a retreat and it was awesome.

Advent is here. Could be a hope for change in my life.

Cheers



Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on December 04, 2018, 03:20:47 AM
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 06, 2018, 07:26:05 AM
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.

Thank you very much for your kind words, Fly :)
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 08, 2018, 06:54:56 PM
Hi guys,

20 days away from P.

 Today I ate a lot of sugar. At first it was like an ansiety, but then it felt good.

I know sugar is not good for me but I'm so disgusted with P that I'm experimenting with that other substance.

The other day I got to councelling so ansious that even my therapist told me that it was the first time he saw me like that.

Nevertheless the session went well and I could take somethings out of my chest.

I'm trying to solve some things in my work but I'm really not used to face things like this and it's hard. I used to go along with things and I guess my alter ego went straight to the computer to be "someone" in the cyber world.

Now at least I'm trying to do something about my problems instead of hiding under a bunch of pixels.

I feel kind of ashamed cause I'm getting to my 40's and I'm still learning that stuff. But I guess I spent my adolescence, youth and beyond avoiding human interaction in my room and now I have to pay the price and learn.

I've worked a lot to get here, not only for the 20 days, but I'm thinking of all my prayers, reading, exercise, my clean room, my better finances or at least the consciousness and responsability of managing them; my better relationship with my family, the bye to some toxic friends, my better interaction with new people and it's the first time in my life I really know what job I want to work in and I'm actually doing it. Needless to say the million tricks to deal with my addiction and stay away from P even for months.

All of that has taken a lot of hard work and effort. So now I just want to walk towards my goal and set free from P and live a better life.

Lately one of my big goals is to focus in my next half an hour of life. It helps me enjoy and forget all my excesive worries. For instance now I'm talking to you guys, just sharing to whomever wants to listen. I've made something similar to friends here.

The addiction is better managed with your support. I just want to thank you all for listening and sharing your experiences. At the beggining of my arrival here, in the forum, I felt superior from the others because I saw that there were people in a much worse situation than me. Or that I thought. But after 2 years in this forum and not quitting yet, I've realised that although I might be in a better position than some others in some ways, I'm not superior at all and will never be. Cause even if I heal I will always remember this experience as the most important of my life or at least one of them, and I've discovered many dark sides of my life which 2 years ago I didn't see yet.

I was in denial. I knew I had a problem but I didn't realise the extent of it. Even with counceling I'm not clean yet. So the problem is big and has been overwelming. So I'm another regular addict. 

I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to know you all. I've realised the value of being part of a kind group that doesn't judge me and I hope I'm making a contribution to the group too.

Today I gave away a password to my councelor. That means that even if I wanted to, it would be pretty hard for me to find P.

It was the last computer. The one that I used in my last big relapse in summer.

It's been a big step. There's no more P drug in my house. This will help me if I ever go crazy again.

20 days is not bad. I've been here before. It's 3 weeks or so. I'ts usually easer for me to stay away from P 3 weeks than 3 days. The tricks of the brain (the chaser effect).

Now I think that I'll pray or something and I'm going to bed, that I'm already sleepy.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: FlyPhoenix on December 10, 2018, 02:03:50 AM
I relate to so much of your share..

..especially the part about feeling like I'm approaching my 40s and only now making a bit of progress. But I want to remind us that we are in a much better position that we would be had we not tried to fight this thing. There are men in their 50s and 60s going off to (a third world country where they can act out with all sorts of people) because they are convinced that that is where their future is, they have given up their fight against the addiction and want to be able to freely immerse themselves in it. I know, because I wanted to do the same, away from people who know me. I am grateful that my life is steadily going in a different direction.

I am not as wealthy as I would like, but I am grateful.

I also relate to what you say about feeling superior to others on the forum and in my real-life meeting. As a result of repeated slips and relapses that threaten my life, I am humbled. I am tempted even without looking at stuff online, which is scary.

But I try to remember why I am recovering and what is at stake, then I find the motivation to work my recovery.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on December 22, 2018, 05:56:51 PM
Hi guys

33 days away from P

I feel pretty well.

I've had a very stressful month but things are getting back to normal.

My faith has helped me a ton and my little tricks against stress and ansiety have worked.

I believe I'm still not normal in terms of my tendency to ansiety but the good news is that I haven't used P as a narcotic.

I've trained less but managed to train a bit.

My room is a bit untidy right now. I've started trading a little on crypto currencies as an amusement. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a nice hobbie.

Been pretty alone in general but sometimes I've got a call. Attending Toast Masters meetings regularly, going to some dinners. Well it's Christmas.

Managed to design a professional plan for 2019 that keeps the good things and discards the things that haven't worked out.

I need some rest from work. I will work 8 hours next week in total so that's nice.

Cheers
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 13, 2019, 07:05:06 PM
Hi guys,

55 days free from P

today a girl friend sent me a message that she was in the city.

It was a nice surprise. We actually even made out a little.

It was nice to share some good company.

In general I've had days where I've been sad because of my personal and professional situation.

It's hard for me to focus on the rehab, which is going well since I blocked everything I've got.

But when the pain of the addiction starts to fade away, there's no joy left, not even emptyness. There's virtually nothing. Only a deep sense of fail.

It's like winning a battle while you watch all the dead bodies, all the blood, the pain, the defeat within the victory.

So it's hard to feel victorius.

Cause victory yeah is overcoming the adiction. But when I raise my eyes and see what's left... it's sad and scary.

My hope is that if I feel better my life will eventually get better.

I'm trying to start from my inner self. My soul, my soul full of scars. How many times have I damaged it? Maybe 10.000 times. But those wounds are gone.

My poor brain: I've damaged it so much that it's not even funny.

Last 2 weeks I've felt slightly better. Kind of more calm, more present.

I've managed not to touch myself so the healing is deeper.

My body. Healthy in general. But it hurts sometimes, my back.

Today I've done some exercise it was good.

My room looks pretty tidy.

My finances are not good. It's one of things that worries me the most.

Oh God I'd love to have a decent income. I'm poor.

The relationship with my family is not bad.

Lately I've had the desire to found a family. It's just a fantasy right now, cause I don't have the woman or the money to do that.

My friends, I really would like to have better quality friends but I guess first I will have to improve myself.

My "job". I'm sick of working plenty of hours for not even a salary. And if I get it everything is problems and pressure. I get it: it's me. Something is wrong with me. I'm not functional. But step by step.

Oh God please help me. Maybe now that I sin less everything will be easer.

Cheers   
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 27, 2019, 11:02:55 AM
Hi guys,

68 days away from P

In general I feel that my brain is getting definetely better, especially if I stay away from M for several days.

Sometimes when I feel weak I start my usual shower with cold water, that wakes me up and helps gettting rid of too much confort wich leads me to M.

Right now P is pretty under control since I blocked everything in my house. But  still miss it sometimes.

I think I'm connecting more to other things in my life and other people.

Money issues worry me but my illness is loosing up.

Cheers

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on February 16, 2019, 08:59:05 AM
84 days away from P

of all the times I've quit, this one feels the best.

The differences between this time and previous  ones:

I feel better, I've blocked all my house and I do far less M

One of the reasons of the improvement could be the hardmode switch.

I'm happy I could finally give it a serious try.

I feel strangely more connected to reality and more adapted to it.

I also feel more connection with other people.

Cheers

Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 02, 2019, 04:09:38 PM
Hi guys,

104 days away from P.

In terms of my mind and ansiety I feel pretty good.

My worries are now for my life in general.

I feel my life is devastated after an earthquake.

Just seems my life is a farm.

I finally got off my computer and saw how is everything after 24 years of not taking care of it. 

The house is wrecked, the garden and the fields are a jungle, the animals are dead or gone, I don't know anyone in the village.

One thing I do have now: my mind, which was kidnapped by P.

On the one hand I feel devastated. On the other I feel kind of excited, as well as scared.

It reminds me to that movie, Australia, where Nicole Kidman plays a widow who has to take care of a ranch.

If at least I knew what to do, I'd do it for sure.

I would start by throwing away stuff, cleaning and tiding up. I would learn how to grow up cereals and the cattle, I would put everything to work.

But I just don't know where to start in my life, especially my job.

Anyway thanks for reading, understanding and sharing. You guys are awesome, you've been a great support.

Cheers

 
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: DGF_AU086 on March 06, 2019, 08:12:20 PM
Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.
Title: Re: My Diary
Post by: Loving_Mary on March 07, 2019, 03:55:06 PM
Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.

thanks man ;)