Reboot Nation

Reboot Nation Forum => Porn Addiction => Topic started by: Quercus on October 21, 2015, 12:29:13 PM

Title: With no sex partner, what's my alternative?
Post by: Quercus on October 21, 2015, 12:29:13 PM
First of all, I found this while trying to find this website again:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

My wife hit menopause about 12 years ago and for 10 +/- years, NO sex... literally. I'm not talking about infrequent, I'm talking 3 times in 10 years.  2 of the 3 were pointless because she wasn't her previous sexual self.

She/we started HRT and have had the best sex of my life... briefly.  Then the hormones dwindled again.

So, if I have no partner at home and I'm not going outside of my marriage, what options do I have for stimulation besides porn?  Not many.  Over time, I've found that orgasms are next to impossible without visual stim... porn.  Even sex with wife when she's ready is still sometimes difficult for me to orgasm.  She's pretty easy since I know where her "sweet spot" is... works every time.   8)   However, even though I enjoy HER orgasms quite a bit, I'd like to restore my own.
Title: Re: With no sex partner, what's my alternative?
Post by: romm on October 23, 2015, 01:01:33 AM
Okay, so the first thing to know is that the people who see porn as potentially addictive, do not hold that view because they are unaware of David Ley. Check out Gary Wilson's links here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=17058.0.

Probably the reason you haven't had any responses yet (or at least the reason I'm hesitant to respond) is because it's tricky business commenting on someone's marriage. Without knowing all the details of what's going on, here are some obvious options you have available to you:

There are obviously other options, but we're not really saying anything shocking here, right? I sense that your question isn't really about what possible options are open to you, but what option should you take. That is a moral question, and nobody here knows your worldview or knows your values.

Are you familiar with Recovery Nation? I would highly recommend beginning their workshop (http://recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php). The first seven lessons will guide you through the process of identifying and prioritizing your values. I may be wrong, but it sounds like that is really what you're struggling with right now. Just my two cents.

Are you currently using pornography? If you are saying that masturbation is difficult for you without pornography, that may be because you need to abstain in order to reboot.

A few articles that may be helpful:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/how-do-i-know-when-im-back-to-normal
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/when-do-i-test
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/how-do-i-masturbate-without-porn



Sorry to throw a bunch of articles at you, but hopefully they're helpful!
Title: Re: With no sex partner, what's my alternative?
Post by: Quercus on October 24, 2015, 06:09:21 PM
Thanks, no surprises... I think I was just looking for support to reboot I guess.  It's been so long since I was here before, I don't remember if I've ever looked at the Recovery Nations workshop. 

I love my wife and am committed to her but my "needs" are what they are.  She doesn't like what's happened to her anymore than I do but it's obviously more of an immediate problem for me, one with no good solution as far as I can see. 

She didn't want to do HRT anymore so we're both trying DHEA to see if that helps.

Thanks again.
Title: Re: With no sex partner, what's my alternative?
Post by: romm on October 25, 2015, 11:32:45 AM
Totally makes sense. That's a tough situation.

I'd be optimistic, though. One way of thinking about it: Lots of people say that recovering 'hard mode' leads to faster recovery anyhow. Maybe if you focused on simply recovering, then as you heal, the answers will be clearer to you. Porn can have a way of distorting our thoughts: Imagine looking at the world, but through sunglasses. You see the same things, but everything just looks darker, duller.

Anyhow, I'd bet money that as you reboot, then over time a lot of stuff will start looking and feeling better, whatever that means for you.
Title: Re: With no sex partner, what's my alternative?
Post by: Untolerable on October 26, 2015, 10:11:18 AM
I'm no expert but I would recommend talking to an expert.  Menopause does not make her libido totally disappear - there has too be other things at play and I would seek out counseling.

I would also quit porn immediately.  If you have 'needs' - which we all do - put them on hold till you can find out from a therapist what the root of the problem is.