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Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: limpbiscuit on August 30, 2015, 06:40:28 PM

Title: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on August 30, 2015, 06:40:28 PM
Today I begin a journey that is a bit of a surprise. I am in my mid 40's and am a gay man. I have an amazing career that I love and allows me to travel the world. I have a boyfriend and although it is not terribly serious (likely because of my issues), and we do not live together, he is a wonderful person, and a kind soul. I trust him and he is patient with me and non judgemental.

I have always been a person that is smart, a master manipulator, a wearer of masks, a "hider" of what is really going on inside, and I am compulsive in many ways. When I do something I tend to do it very well, and full speed ahead. This is the same whether is it how I manage my life, my friends, my career, drinking, smoking, quitting smoking, quitting drinking, and other things too. It has also meant that I have used porn very much and have used it to the point that I do not often (or ever) get an erection with a partner, unless the partner is new, or if it is an incredibly attractive person to me. Now that I am with my boyfriend and no new partners are in my life, my ED has become an issue, as it was not noticeable before.

The way I have led my life has always been to hide from things. When I was young I went full steam into work and an over active social life. As I got older the over active social life continued, If I was home I would feel as though I was missing something. I also began to smoke, drink and party with friends. I smoked for several years, but eventually quit after several tries almost 8 years ago. I was still drinking and eventually it got to the point that I would drink everyday. It was like this for a couple or more years. Eventually, just like smoking, I hated being a slave to anything and so I just stopped, and it has been over 4 or so years. I will never go back to either smoking or drinking as they were completely bad for me.

I now believe that I have PIED. I have used porn (generally cam2cam in the last couple years) as a way to feel intimate, to feel satisfied and to escape stress, boredom, and anxiety. When I was feeling the shittiest I could still always find a cool person online to cam with and life would be quickly "better". The reasons I believe I have PIED is because I have absolutely no issue with getting an erection quickly and easily when I go online. I also have no issue with a new or exciting partner. Now that I am in a relationship that is no longer new, I am hardly able to maintain an erection or to reach orgasm. If I do it is a struggle and as such I find myself avoiding sex in an effort to avoid this awful feeling. I blamed lack of chemistry or "fireworks" but truthfully it is likely PIED. I have been using cams or porn at least once per day (sometimes twice or more, but sometimes none at all for several days) off and on for the last few years, but before that occasionally also.

I have done much reading and have joined this forum for help and advice etc. I am not going to be watching any sort of pornography and am going to do a reboot of my brain in an effort to rebuild my brain pathways so that I can become aroused normally by myself or with a partner.

I hope that others on here will help me with advice and the numerous questions I will likely have along the way! Maybe I can also help you!

For starters, can someone help me with a counter or a spreadsheet? What should I be tracking? Thanks a million.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on August 31, 2015, 01:52:30 AM
Trackers set...

It has only been a day since I used an app or website to look at P or P like material, but I have not directly PMO'd in about 15 days. I did M yesterday but it was a huge struggle as no P was used.

so the journal begins...

My goal is to know what I am like without P, to have a good healthy outlook about sex for life, and to not have PIED.

today has been a day of study, sadness, frustration, learning, videos, tears, anxiety and fear... I am feeling like I totally have to bust a nut. I am so horned, but no erection. My goals have been set, and I am going to do a full reboot. 30 days of no M, and 90 days + with no P.

I will continue to read from the reboot nation all the amazing input from people already past this point, and also will continue to watch the suggested videos from YBOP. What a huge resource.

Thanks to everyone who put their story on here, and shared experiences, it sure helps to know what lies ahead. I am scared as hell.

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on August 31, 2015, 10:45:38 AM

As I am finding out it isn't exactly easy to quit. I had a set back overnight after 37 days. Just a few pointers. Be stronger than your mind. It will try to deceive you. Post here when you get urges. Keep your mind and hands busy with other productive things.

The withdrawal symptoms you talked about are normal and sort themselves out with a little time. Be strong and fight the good fight. It is worth it.

Blessings Brother!

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: hoopvol on August 31, 2015, 11:36:47 AM
Hello LB,

first of all: good you found your way to this forum and decided to open your journal. Sharing your story and your journey will get you a lot of support from other rebooters. I'm a partner by the way. And as a partner I would like to ask you: does your partner know about your struggle? I know, it's very hard to tell your SO about this, because of the shame and the guilt, but after my husband finally told me all about his addiction, we were able to work on this together. He felt like a big weight was lifted off his shoulders. No more secrets. Of course, I was angry, devastated, sad, shocked etc., but I've always known, something was wrong. When we finally found this site, we watched Gabe's videos together and that took away some of the biggest stings. Now we can talk without all the negative emotions (me: anger, frustration. He: shame, guilt) and that has been very productive. By telling your partner, you'll probably find yourself a teammate, to fight this together.
Anyway: hope you'll find all the strength you'll need and I hope we'll be reading about your progress here...
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: Kurall_Creator on August 31, 2015, 12:50:45 PM
Hi LB,

I'm glad you made it to our little sanctuary on the Internet. It is very important to have accountability with men who are also struggling with this very debilitating disease.

I always have these seven pieces of advice for everybody here.

First, separate porn from what happens in your life. If you're bored, that is not an excuse for porn. Do something else, anything else! Write something, draw something, learn a musical instrument, read a book! You are not watching porn because you're bored, you're watching porn because you choose to.

Second, meditation is important. Instead of living life in the fast lane, go out and make yourself watch the clouds fly by, listen to the birds, and concentrate on all the life around you. Ask yourself, does any of these things watch porn? The answer is no. That will help,with hypofrontality.

Third, cold showers help. They snap you out of anything you were thinking about right away. You could be grieving the loss of a treasured member of the family, but in one second, that disappears. It also helps with with dopamine production and other endrophines.

Four, come here regularly, everyday. This place is an awesome place for help and accountability. The stories of the men here have helped me, and has given me different insights into my addiction.

Five, find healthy ways of spending time with friends and family. Going to movies and dinners are awesome.

Six, tell your partner, but only enough for hi. To help you and understand what is going on with the pied. Once he understands, things will slowly get better. After 5 weeks, my PIDE disappeared, and me and my girlfriend's relationship got much better.

Seven, having long-term goals help. Especially when life throws you a curve ball.

Eight, exercise also helps dopamine levels.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on August 31, 2015, 01:13:54 PM
Thank you very much everyone! Such great advice. I just can't believe that a few days ago, I thought nothing was really wrong, and now my world is upside down! It is scary to think that I have an addiction, and it is going to be a nightmare struggle.

I am debating how to tell my bf, as this could surely kill our relationship. It has not been terribly strong anyway. Time will tell.

I would sure like an "accountability friend" here online. Preferably a gay man as there may be better understanding.

Thanks again everyone, I am off to try to keep busy as my anxiety is huge today.

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on August 31, 2015, 01:38:32 PM
I learned that P addiction is a thing, and I have it, the day after my girlfriend broke up with me. I told my ex girlfriend after about a week of no PMO. She was my ex, I really had nothing to lose, and really one of 2 people I consider friends in this whole state (I recently moved here). I needed to talk to someone. Just a few days after that we were back together. Things have been going great since. Even kicking the "move in together" idea around. This was my experience.

My $0.02 (probably worth less than that)....

Honesty is the best policy. You never know where being open and honest can lead. You already know where keeping secrets will lead.

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on August 31, 2015, 05:26:58 PM
I have a couple questions..hoping for some insight.

1. I have read extensively on this forum and also on YBOP, and people say you must not only stop Porn (for obvious reasons), but also must stop M. M is a natural part of life, and something that was done by most men long before they knew what porn was. How does this help with getting over PMO, and is just plain M something you can bring back into your life down the road?

2. How long does the anxiety last for most people? I know it is a symptom of the withdrawal or change in dopamine levels, but was wondering how fast a person generally returns to a "new normal"?

Thank you in advance gang.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on September 01, 2015, 02:08:00 AM
Today was interesting...some observations:

1. Anxiety! Got better after the gym, and a visit to my counsellor.
2. Horny as can be, but no erection. (Why is that? I used to get erections if I was horny at times. Am I beginning to flatline already?)
3. Tired, as I am not able to sleep well, due to stress and anxiety.
4. When I am around others it seems to get a little better, less horny and less anxiety.
5. genital area feels "empty" or achey.
6. Tried a quick cold shower and it felt awful, but once done, I guess maybe I felt better...

Take care everyone,

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on September 01, 2015, 03:01:26 PM
Hi All.

It is still early in that day today, but struggled to get out of bed (Ugh!) made it to the gym and now home for a quick shower then off to the office for an hour to do a bit of work even though I am on a day off!

I was wondering if anyone is similar to me in the following way:

I am 43, gay, and not a hard core addict. What I mean by that is, I didn't have porn on all the time, or if I was busy for a few days I would skip it without big concern. The thing was that I was attempting to M normally and could not get an erection, and also could not get an erection significantly with my bf. Anyway, this lead me here and I am determined to try to get my own sex life back and to not rely or be a slave to anything else (porn or cam) to get off.

Generally used cam2 am for the last while, and really enjoyed it. I had a few "buddies" that I enjoyed very much and actually felt as though I had a friendship with a couple of them. I actually will miss them and one in particular, I have texted and told that I will not be having cam2cam anymore, but in the future we can meet up and person to person is cool, because it is real, personal, and more passionate.

Today and yesterday I noticed that I am very excited, but hardly getting erections. I am feeling quite depressed but am sure that in time (hopefully not to long) this will pass. I have been looking at real guys that I find attractive quite a that OK? Any input is appreciated.

Cheers and may pst more later if I have time! Kick ass guys!

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on September 01, 2015, 03:44:50 PM
The first two weeks is pretty rough. I had similar feelings along with insomnia. I'm guessing its normal. You are early in the reboot and these moods/emotions will come and go, sometimes within the same minute. As for no erections...I was also very horny early on with the same result. But when it came time for actual sex, about 2 weeks in, the soldier preformed like a champ. No worries lb this will all start to settle down in a week or so. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: sodonewithit on September 01, 2015, 06:33:32 PM
Everything you describe is the same as what I went through, except the boners....sigh.  I  also felt very horny that first week but in a week it crashes, just expect it.  Stick with the gym, it will be amazing the gains that come in the next month.  Still here I am about six months later, a few set backs but not a single regret.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: Rikkoman on September 01, 2015, 09:45:10 PM
I agree with LTD, honesty is the best policy. I thought I was going to take care of this "problem with PORN" on the side without having my spouse know a thing. Well bud, it is indeed an addiction. Once the withdrawals started to kick in he was like wtf? I had immense conflicts in telling him. I started by asking him to go to this website. He saw Gabe's videos and then said he was there to support me. Ever since then, now he understands why I will get up from the couch during a movie when a "steamy scene" comes up. In fact he is helping me now by being conscious of what we watch.

You've come to the right place. PORN addiction is real with very real withdrawals, emotional, physical and physiological. We are here to help each other through it. I will tell you this it is not an easy journey. I struggle every hour to stay sober. Gabe points out the withdrawal symptoms but they affect each one of us at different times and differently.

The most important thing is to keep posting. Read and you will find that you are not the only one going through this hell. I wish you lots of luck.

Thank god for this website!!!
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on September 07, 2015, 02:02:32 PM
Hello everyone,

So far I besides being near tears at times and depressed (having trouble getting out of bed) I am making the best of it I guess.

I do not really get wood anymore, even if I am horny or looking at cute guys, this is scary to me. I sleep alright (not great, but alright). I have little desire to watch Cam or porn, but have quite the urge to M. I won't do it, I can control it but it is frustrating. I am wondering if I will be able to have sexual activity with my bf or not, and am scared.

Anxiety is less, sleep is so so, depression is definitely there. I can't believe that I have to go through this shit, but It seems totally necessary if I am to avoid/recover my erections with my bf.

I had asked a couple questions the other day but have not received an answer so hope I can post again and someone will have some input for me:) The biggest one is:

1. Is avoiding MO (without porn) a requirement always? or just during reboot? MO seems a natural thing that almost all men do from a young age and it is supposed to be "healthy".

Thank you for your input for sure!

I am still hoping to find a gay (coveted or not) gay man who is in the same boat as me to help/mentor me through the process, and to be my "sponsor"

Thank you so much for all your posts guys, it is helpful to have a place to turn. Just hoping like crazy that I can have a normal sex life again sometime soon, I have wasted so much energy on this part of life.

Take care! Stay strong.

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on September 08, 2015, 02:13:48 PM
Hey everyone!

Still at it here, having trouble starting the day everyday (getting up is hard) but once I am up, I have to stay busy. I will go to grab a coffee, go to visit a few friends, work on a "work" project for an hour, then I will go to gym for an hour...home to grab shower, and then off to volunteer for the evening. This should keep me busy...ugh!

I hate that I have done this to myself and now have changed my life permanently. I am hoping that I can pull this out of the fire and make a good happy fulfilling life from this. All I want is to have a loving partner and a real honest sex life.

I am doing so much reading here and finding that people are cutting out TV, games, internet in general, and other things. I am wondering if that is much more extreme then I need? I still watch TV, (I don't really play video games so not an issue there) and I still go on Facebook etc. I just avoid porn images. If I see one of my attractive friends on FB, I acknowledge that they are attractive and move on. I am feeling like the internet is a necessary part of life going forward, it isn't going to go away, and everything we do is largely connected to the internet for work, for social events etc. It would be very isolating to avoid it for me, and I don't know if it is an issue?

Thoughts? Help? I also asked a question about M earlier int he thread, and was wondering if anyone has any input? My thread seems pretty quiet! LOL!

Hope you all have a successful day!
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: Rikkoman on September 08, 2015, 03:34:49 PM
Hey there,

You do what you feel will work for you. The main goal I would assume is that you want to avoid PORN. We all do what works for us.

I never really watched TV in the first place. I don't do Social Media, or belong to any other forums. All by choice.

I'm probably one of the few that still writes letters, sends real birthday and Christmas cards and has refused to go Green for bills. Every Sunday I dedicate one hour to do my bills, and yes I still write a check, lick that envelope shut, and slap a stamp on it. We pack up the dogs and ride to the Post Office to drop off my correspondence, then after, we go buy lottery and get some treats all around. That is by choice.

I was using the Internet for one main reason, and yup it was for PORN. The other reason is for my email. But other than that I don't really see a need to use the Internet, other than look up a menu, or go shopping on Amazon. Again, that's by personal choice.

As for M. I believe for the first few months, the reason that you should abstain from it is because you cause all that dopamine to flood your brain, impeding that neural pathway from mending or healing completely. I guess after that It would be OK. I have M'd, by my self and with my husband. One thing to be cautious about is the "chaser affect". This feeling of sexual urgency and arousal lingers days after a sexual experience, may lead you to fantasize about PORN and you start to yearn for PORN. I know because I have experienced it. So tread litely with M.

Seems like you are keeping busy. You have a cache of friends, go to the gym and volunteer regularly. Now take a moment and reflect how this makes you feel. Great! I'm sure. When I was PMOing daily (hourly) I was doing all my routines with just 'routine', there was no feeling to it. Now I'm in the moment. I'm actually engaged with people while I'm with them. Life is better.

Hang in there, you are doing just fine. Remember we're all in this together and we are all different and what works for one may not necessarily work for the other.

btw....I responded to your message, did you ever get it?
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: PIED64 on September 09, 2015, 12:36:44 PM
Hey lb,

I agree that you have to do what you feel will work for you.  I personally chose no MO, Edging, P or my specific P subs.  I agree with Rikkoman to tread lightly regarding M for the first few months.

Possibly because they were not triggers for me, I still watch TV, I still use facebook, I still occasionally use twitter, watch movies, etc.  I do stay away from instagram to avoid P subs.  I work in technology so internet use is a constant for me.  But I also use the internet in general outside of my work.  It is how I found all of this valuable information and started my reboot!

Hang in there.  Onward and upward!
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: sodonewithit on September 09, 2015, 11:22:25 PM
Hey buddy.   I will echo what the other guys have said about the big M, from my own experience it hurts more than it helps.  I'm not sure if the times I did it if I was attempting to get a release or was simply just caving in but now that I am further i to the process I am just staying away.  I'm on the net and watch t.v. but I did find that I had to delete a reddit nofap page as an t hadnto many options to stray.  As long as I have to google it stays away but a easy single click seems to be something I'm not able to keep away.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: limpbiscuit on September 11, 2015, 01:59:15 AM
Hey Guys!

Wow, thanks so much for the input! I am thinking about it a bit right now, and of course haven't done anything like M as of yet. I don't think I could if I tried to be honest...there seams to be NO LIFE down there, and of course that is terribly worrying for a guy like me who has been able to M many times a week for as many years as I can remember. I can not believe how dead it seams...hardly feels like anything! I am hoping that soon, life will return to my below the belt region, and I can have some semblance of a sex life again. I guess time will tell?

I am in the process of figuring out what is going to happen with my bf, as it is on shaky ground, and although he is a wonderful person, and completely trusting and loving guy, there is very little chemistry from me towards him. I am worried this may interfere with my rewiring. When I was with guys in the past (prior to him and when we were on a break awhile ago) I was able to have a "normal" erection and was completely fine, yet with him, I have issues, and so am worried that rewiring will be a challenge with him if we are to stay together. If I am to be apart form him, then I worry I will have trouble meeting other men to date without going online. Is online dating (like or POF) a problem?? I am unsure of how to proceed except to avoid P (and MO for now also).

Anyway you guys are great and thanks so much for the input. I can not tell you how much I appreciate your help, and suggestions, and support.

Love to you all, and keep fighting the good fight!

Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: PIED64 on September 11, 2015, 04:46:08 PM
Hey lb,

I found a good link on YBOP regarding flatline.  While the exact cause is unknown and it is very different for everyone, it will pass with time.  Trust me, I know the dead feeling, but I also know it gets better with time.
Title: Re: Bright Future Journal
Post by: PIED64 on September 25, 2015, 03:49:50 PM
Hey lb,

Just checking in, how's it going?