Reboot Nation

Journals => Women => Topic started by: Crystal123 on August 24, 2015, 05:30:16 PM

Title: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: Crystal123 on August 24, 2015, 05:30:16 PM
My boyfriend relapsed yesterday after currently being 2 months porn-free. Our sex life has never been better than this last month and I can feel the progress he's made from previous PIED. I came home from the grocery store wanting to get frisky but he was acting strange and I knew something was wrong.

I know relapse happens. I'm so grateful for the progress that he's made. Last night I even walked in as he was ripping out pages of hot girls in rock climbing magazines that seem to be triggers. My hold up is that even though i'm not taking this personally, in the sense that I'm physically comparing myself to porn stars, I do take this personally in that his porn use interferes with our ability to have sex together. We love each other so much and I can feel this deepening expression and connection, so when he relapses it feels like he's devaluing all of that.
Title: Re: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: J on August 24, 2015, 09:24:36 PM
Hey Crystal

It's tough but the point is not to focus on the relapse but rather on the progress. Something triggered his use and whenever there is a relapse there is a new discovery. Don't feel like that progress is lost. 2 months is amazing and now he just has to identify the trigger and work on a plan on how he will handle it next time.

This is a roller coaster process. It's hard on both the addict and the support system, but it's a "going through" process.
Title: Re: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: Crystal123 on August 25, 2015, 02:09:01 PM
Thanks J! I think he's doing really well. I made sure to let him know how much I appreciate his effort and the progress he has made. I'm learning as his support system how important it is for him to feel like I acknowledge and focus on how hard he is trying. It's helping me too. At the same time, since this last relapse, I feel more distant and detached from him, which is painful in itself. I'm by no means being overt about it or trying to punish him. Just those subtle ways we connect I'm having a harder time getting into. It'll pass. I think it's a natural consequence though. Thank you guys for all the support here! It's great to have a place to vent when I need to!   
Title: Re: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: PapaThales on August 27, 2015, 03:19:30 AM
A measured, somewhat muted, but very potent lament.  Speaking for myself, and I think for many others in porn recovery, it is very helpful for us to read the grievances of other SOs at times.  Especially when they are put this lucidly.   
Title: Re: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: hoopvol on August 27, 2015, 04:33:38 AM
Hello Cristal,
I know how you feel; I've been there myself. My husband relapsed after 7 months....  I was devastated. Before he knew he ad an addiction, he didn’t realize how it effected our relationship and me as a person. But after therapy and staying away from P for 7 months, I thought he knew what damage it had caused. And yet:  major relapse.  I couldn't understand why he still chose P over me, knowing what he knew.
It took me quite some time to recover and we went to therapy together. We were going in the right direction again.
And then we found RN: this was an eye-opener for both of us. You will need some time to recover from this, but it can be done.... keep talking, keep sharing and keep loving!!
Title: Re: Boyfriend in reboot
Post by: J on September 02, 2015, 02:14:22 PM
Hi Crystal,

I am glad that you are working things out. I just wrote on my journal but also wanted to share with you and everyone here some thoughts of encouragement:

When there is a relapse we feel like we have failed ourselves and those that have a partner, we feel like we have disappointed you. When we are going through a relapse, there are so many thoughts crossing our minds that it becomes hard to see clearly. We want it to stop, we want to stop the pain. Sometimes the images become overbearing and we hate them because we know that we will feel good for a moment but then afterwards feel a sense of self-loathing. So I must advocate for those of us that are trying our best, and sometimes our best doesn't feel enough.

As a woman, it was hard for me to admit that this was a problem in my life, matter of fact I was blinded and made excuses. I told myself this is normal, but after 4 years, I realized it wasn't and it took me another 4 years on and off before I realized I needed help from others. The longer we are exposed the harder. The worse part is, it's so much harder because unlike alcohol and drugs, porn and even suggestive sexual images are everywhere, billboards, tv shows (even the ones that are suppose to be family friendly), the way people dress nowadays. It's hard to overcome something that is constantly in your face.

But I also want to say, I am proud of you, because as a woman I know how important encouragement is to me. We are so expressive of our emotions and we tend to blame ourselves first. But you, my friend are a superstar. I applaud you for coming here and sharing your story, because it's not easy on you either and as women, we tend to want to help, which often can lead to co-dependency, which is an addiction of it's own. Just make sure to keep yourself in check. There will be moments where he will need to know he is being supported and that you are his cheerleader, but on the flip side, he needs to do his part big time if he wants to beat this addiction, and that is work he needs to do himself, no one can do it for him. He may need to be reminded of this as well. We also need tough love, we need to know what is at stake and we need to know that there are consequences.