Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: hopeful on August 06, 2015, 04:32:36 PM

Title: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 06, 2015, 04:32:36 PM
hello everyone,
i'm a 46 year old man, married to a wonderful wife, who is also posting on this forum by the name hoopvol.
Three wonderful children, and from the outside, it looks like we are the perfect family.
But, there is a big dark cloud hanging over us.
Maybe when you read my wife's message , posted under the name HOOPVOL, you know what i mean.
From the age of 13, it all started, and slowly but surely the porn gets me in a viselike grip.
During the day, i longed to find an opportunity, for looking in these magazines over and over again.
Sometimes, it was like 10 minutes,ejaculate, and then my mission was accomplished.During a relationship, several years later, i did my best to keep it a secret.At times when i was alone, the porn found it's way back into my hands, and there we go again.
I didn't think of it as a problem during that time. I was just a healthy young man with a curious mind.When time past and we got married, i got hooked more and more. Also my wife knew already that i was keeping my addiction hidden from her.
Quite a few times she confronted me, tried to talk to me. Usually i replied with denial, anger, silence, or like "it was only one time". Every time i promised to stop, but never tried!The porn was here and here to stay.At that time i was completely bliss of the things happening around me, at home , at work.Slowly you go numb, and the only thing that matters is when can i watch porn again. I've read many similar stories on this forum.
My wife brought me to my sences, and i finally began to listen to her, and taking her more serious.The porn in my life was driving us apart, and there was no possibility of having a relationship, together with my addiction.
After seeing the Gabe video's, i was deeply suprised of the fact that his story is so similar to mine.I am not alone !
I'm very thankful that i can share my story with all of you.
Thanks for reading !

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: L.T.D. on August 06, 2015, 08:21:15 PM
Welcome. You are not alone. It's a grind but persistence pays off. I'm only 2 weeks in and had PIED. Been having sex the past 3 days with minimal issues. That's just after 2 weeks. I can't wait to see the improvements a few months from now. It's never too late to improve yourself. The people here are kind and knowledgeable. Good luck and I look forward to your progress.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 07, 2015, 06:19:42 PM
thanks for your reply!
It's good to know that there are quite a few out there , having the same struggle. Not a good thing though, seems to me that the porn issue is getting bigger every day.Internet has sky rocketed my abuse for sure.I'm currently talking about my addiction, to my wife every day.I'm so glad and thankful that she is so understanding.I'm convinced that we can fight this together.To me , honesty and opening up to your partner is key.
We now can have sex on an unconditional and loving way.I'm more and more relaxed in and around the house. Not worrying that she may discover anything of my hidden agenda, that used to be there.
A few weeks ago I had a nearby relapse, but was able to turn it around.It made feel sick inside and pulled me downTold my wife , and after all, it was the best thing to be honest. Hope to gain the trust that we used to have together as partners.
My writing in English may not always be correct. It's a foreign language for me.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 12, 2015, 05:42:13 PM
Right now I' m doing oké.My wife and I talk a lot, and she supports me .
Feeling good about myself, and  selfesteem is rising.Read in another post that MO can lead to PMO.
I agree,for me the connection is made too easily.I only want to concentrate on my partner.Although she oké with MO.
Keep sharing.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: bob on August 12, 2015, 09:42:55 PM
Welcome Hopeful.

So glad to have you here. This is a group of caring individuals who's main goal is to help folks break this additive behavior with porn. You are with friends. It is a place to be truly honest with yourself.

I received the most delightful response to a post I made on your wife's journal. I am sure you are well aware of the wonderful woman you have on your side; cherish and hold her dear.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: sodonewithit on August 12, 2015, 11:13:29 PM
Hello hopeful.  It's good to see you and the wife both here, amazing.  This is a strange journey but worth the reward.  I'd stayaway from the MO for a while as it only seems to set you back, iI've done it twice and now am thinking of at least a year before I even think about it again.   Keep posting I look forward to seeing how it goes.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 13, 2015, 06:56:03 PM
dear friends,
thank you for the kind words.My wife was also touched by your replies.i'm more and more relaxed every day.This evening I went out for a couple of hours, to have a drink with some friends, and my wife was still there when I came home.
She used to be in bed when I came home late at night, but now she wants to see me, and talk to me.
Formerly I came home and turned to PMO, when she was in bed , but now everything has changed. this gives me such a good feeling !
I just want to say, that I no longer walk on my too's inside the house, cause I haven't got nothing to hide anymore.This is really liberating.
I'm open and honest in everything towards my spouse, one thing I never did before.
No PMO or even MO in weeks.
Working hard to reboot my brain right now.Thanks again for your support, and hope to talk to you soon.

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: bob on August 13, 2015, 10:15:31 PM

Isn't it amazing?

I don't get that dreaded pit in my stomach when my wife says, "can I see your computer for a second?"

In the past, I would stop and quickly run through the sites I may have visited. Did I delete my history? Will something accidentally come up? I have even had times when I would want to show someone something and I would do a search. BAM. Guess what showed up on the search.

Click, Click, Delete, Did I do it fast enough? Did anyone see that?

Honesty is so freeing.

So now it is; "sure you can see my computer."

I'm not on any sites that would cause me to be ashamed. I don't have any files that I don't want anyone to see. I am free!
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Jaystock on August 14, 2015, 12:22:53 AM
I do remember  that. My wife would  want to see my phone, and I went into panic mode. She could  tell that I got a ton of anxiety. Praying  that I got  rid of all the trash I'd  been watching.  I'm sure glad those days are over. I would have been so ashamed,  if she would have seen what I was watching
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 14, 2015, 02:19:30 PM
Hey guys this conversation made me smile as I can totally relate with your situation, Hopeful. The other week I sat on the couch next to my wife watching the telly and glanced down at the laptop only to see that I had gone to save a work document 10 minutes ago and forgotten about it. I almost soiled my shorts. My PC has got some kind of global memory for the last place you saved something and there on the screen was my private image folder. And naturally it was displaying in LARGE THUMBNAILS.....

However we were watching her favourite soap so it's likely she never even looked my way so I probably got away with it. Probably...

And no, I don't have the courage you have to open up to her just yet. I think if I do then she won't be surprised and I expect she will not freak out or anything. But she will be very skeptical about me making any kind of real change. I want to plough through these tough few first weeks and start to make her the centre of my life as she once was. And hopefully to feel some of the wonderful effects that successful rebooters have reported. By the time I fess up I want the evidence of change to be obvious already.

But yeah thank you for sharing your story which has a lot of parallels to my own situation re wife/kids general history / putting on a perfect family facade etc.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: bob on August 14, 2015, 03:29:34 PM
Bango Shank,

Yea, if it wasn't so scary, it would be down right funny. That whole process happened more times then I care to remember.

Hey, I gotta say; if there is a chance that she won't freak out, I would encourage you to confess. Couple reasons for my thoughts on this...

I would explain that you have been going through a confusing and frustrating time and that it would help if she would view the following movie together. The movie is: (
It was helpful to have her understand the role of the brain in this whole reboot process.

One side note. I was tempted to include my wife in understanding the types of things I was doing, sites I was visiting during my PMO sessions. NOT A GOOD IDEA. She doesn't need to be a part of that "road." I just mention this as I was feeling good and wanted to talk about my recovery all the time. She wanted the new me; she wasn't interested in all of the details of the old me.

Thanks for your comments. It always helps when you realize you are not alone.

Continue you to read what you can, Journal when you can, and Post where you can. Just don't PMO.

Peace brother.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 14, 2015, 03:46:41 PM
Bob, your wisdom is very much appreciated. I didn't fully consider the moods and emotional effect that prolonged abstinence may cause. Previous record for me was about a week on several occasions and as soon as I started feeling a bit crotchety (and I knew exactly why) that was enough for me to think 'to hell with this' and go back to old habits.

But I don't want to hijack Hopeful's journal and really I'm interested to hear how he gets on. So for the time being - meditate upon this, I will...
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 14, 2015, 04:24:16 PM
Bango Skank,
I totally agree with Bob.
Women can sense all the small changes in behavior, when you try to hide stuff like that,from them. when she feels something's wrong, she might fill in the blanks herself and she might start to think other stuff is going on. (cheating f.e) My wife asked me many times to tell her what's going on. Then I finally opened up to her. When she became aware that i couldn't stop, she stopped confronting me. Due to lack of information, and the times Were different.. At that time  (10 yrs ago) this problem had more to do with the wife rather than with the man. So they said.It made her feel very sad and insecure, eventually it ate her up inside.On my part, I did believe I could get away with it. It was just something, healthy guys do. Really didn't see a problem.
Wrong !
Be honest to you partner, at all times with no exceptions. Make her understand how severe this problem really is for you.
Start this journey together, even when you think it's impossible to open up. Believe me, I've been there.

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 15, 2015, 10:51:22 AM
Hi guys,
had a good day today. Also been quite busy, and kept myself busy, around the house.When I was alone today, I'd feel to have a choice in not giving in to old habits. Made me feel very confident and strong.I know now that I can slowly get past my former behavior.Last night I made love to my wife, and it was amazing.With all the right feelings.This energy I got back from her as wel,just great.You really can set the mind, to any way you want to. Guys, I know it's tough, but only you have the choice,in willing  to be a better person.
I'm determined to carry on like this.Keep you posted !

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 15, 2015, 02:50:18 PM
Oh... je suis jaloux, you saucy bugger you  ;)

This is so encouraging to hear, well done man.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 15, 2015, 03:33:52 PM
bango skank,

how are you doing so far ?
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 15, 2015, 04:09:38 PM
Early days for me to be honest, Hopeful. Still in the honeymoon period as far as I can tell. In the past I've abstained from all 'M' for around a week on many occasions , but it's been with a real effort even as soon as 3 or 4 days. This time somehow is different; I have been bolstered, at least for now, with some extra resolve. I feel great actually and this I suspect is due to the empowerment of this new knowledge I have gained in the last few days. I don't want to get too carried away, I'm only a few days in and need to prove to myself that this time really is different before I get any other ideas.

But I'm waffling now.

Hearing your positive progress fills me and doubtless others with real hope :)
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 15, 2015, 05:25:11 PM
Well, it's good to hear that you're doing the right thing.I know it is a huge struggle, you have to go through.
Are you thinking of letting your wife know already.? In my opinion , it can make it a lot easier for you.
Get that weight off of your shoulders, talking, or even fighting with your partner, is healing.
Keep up the progress
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 15, 2015, 05:39:40 PM
I envy your open-ness to each other hugely. I will absolutely start this conversation with Mrs Skank but I don't think I'm ready just yet after only a few days. Got to prove it to myself first. In case of relapse maybe, how her disappointment would make mine 10 times worse.

I am happy to say I'm in a good place right now and I must be dripping with it, she can tell something is cooking. In bed this morning she crawled over and started to tickle me. Not under the arms, mind you. Nothing like that has happened in years. Then one of my sons wandered in thank god, it's too soon. All in good time. Some poor guys here are suffering in the real sense; I have little to complain about.

Anyway it's not fair that I'm taking over your journal lol. I'll update mine with the fallout when I do finally grow a pair ;)

Just keep posting about that good stuff... you have no idea how motivating it is.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: sodonewithit on August 15, 2015, 10:01:30 PM
I fessed up the second day in and was the second best move besides starting.  She knew, they always do but she was coolish as best as can be expected.  It removed the final level of angst for me and allowed me to start to drop this chain.  It's not been perfect but that was the correct move.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: L.T.D. on August 16, 2015, 12:22:46 AM
The day after my ex girlfriend dumped me I figured out my problem. I had absolutely no idea that PMO could cause these issues. Was dealing with PIED for 6-7 years. It even cost me my marriage (the ex wife was convinced I was having an affair).  The ex girlfriend called me later that same day. I didn't tell her specifically what the issues was. Just that I know what it is, that its repairable, and I'm committed to fixing it. I remember that conversation vividly. Thinking about it now I probably came across as a little too excited. Well I was excited. I just learned that I was gonna be able to have sex again! Anyway, about 5 days after that I was having a good crying session (depressed and angry at myself for causing all this hurt) and she called again. That's when I told her everything. It was such a relief to actually talk to someone, especially someone directly affected by my behavior, about it. About 4-5 days later we were back together. You'll know when the time is right but just remember you guys are a team. Keeping secrets is not healthy for any relationship. Honesty is the best policy.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 16, 2015, 04:06:20 PM
Same here. Becoming totaly honest was the right choice.get Some weight off your shoulders.
It 'll show your respect to your partner .after all , they didn't ask for this
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 18, 2015, 04:29:19 PM
another thing I want to share with you all,
when I was beginning to heal myself, I was just as selfish, as when I was PMO'ing. The only thing that mattered, was to get rid of P, as soon as possible. It took all my energy for weeks. One time at the therapist, my wife was asked how she felt at that moment.
She literally bursts out in tears, but couldn't really tell why. The therapist asked her "Maybe, because he really sees you now for the first time?".
that was really an eyeopener for me.
I think we sometimes forget that there is often a loved one involved, who can be easily forgotten, when you're completely lost in your recovering process. Our success in recovering has every thing to do with the full support of our partners. When we show that we "see" her (or him), it 'll smoothen the way to reconnect, again. In my case I needed my wife's support, a 100%.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 20, 2015, 04:30:50 PM
I've had a terrific week. Everything's going for me right now.No PMN or MO, and not even considered .My relationship is also going up,
I commit myself in staying honest, and I keep talking to my wife. She feels good about herself also. Reading a lot here on RN, every day.
It really helps.Going strong.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on August 21, 2015, 03:17:26 PM
You are an inspiration to us all, Sensei  8)
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on August 21, 2015, 03:49:33 PM
Thank you Bango Skank,
i just want you all to have the same feeling as I have right now.
The first sense of freedom. We all should be free, and live our lives like we want.
Keep on saying this, I couldn't have done it alone.
We're all here, cause we're fed up with this s**t.
Keep supporting, we can really make this happen, I' m sure.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on September 14, 2015, 10:31:58 AM
been good lately. Staying away from P , and getting a grip. But there's a hitch. Sometimes I have these flashbacks in my mind of some of the things I have seen in the early days. I can't stop it, it just pops up, without any triggers. It really scares the hell out of me, and I sort of panic. Been off porn for quite a wile, but these flashbacks should got away also. I honestly have no clue, how to deal with this. It's not very frequent, but I have to lose this too. It throws me back in time, and I instantly think of the life I was living at that time , again.Makes me feel sick, and very, very insecure. I try to keep my mind busy, and that works. Any idea's ?
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: jjyb on September 14, 2015, 12:22:53 PM
Totally, I just had a week of really strong flashbacks and images.  It was very unnerving as well and I felt a relapse was unavoidable.  I think it is on it's way out now, hopefully with no relapse.  What helped me was thinking through it a bit. One thing i remembered from a long time ago is that addicts tend to avoid feelings, so when I get feelings I think I have to do something about them.  Just sitting with feelings is hard for me, I always think that I have to change how I feel, or fix it, which is probably why I am so prone to addictions.  So I tried to just relax and not panic, just let the flashbacks (and suffering, it was a bit painful like withdrawals) have their time without doing anything and let them pass. I said to myself many times, "this will pass."  I reminded myself I am in control of the bottom line behavior, not the feelings. 

The second thing I did is probably unique to me and maybe a few others, but for some reason I need to be free of all pressure to quit.  It needs to be a choice, not a "have to."  As such I am careful not to tell myself that "I shouldn't think these thoughts", "I shouldn't look at P," etc.  Sometimes I will even give myself permission to look if I want to, and that seems to relieve a lot of pressure in me. So far I haven't taken myself up on the offer, because I really don't want to.  I just don't want to be told I can't look, yea some kind of parental issue I'm sure.

Lastly, I realize I haven't been exercising, relaxing, or eating right.  I did go a for a walk last night and felt much better, and I picked up some smoothie ingredients.

I like to believe that every time I walk through a trigger or a flashback without reinforcing the behavior by acting out that the pathway in my brain for P gets weaker and weaker.  Like filling in the groves of an old vinyl record (but if I'm not careful they can easily be carved out again!).  When I am stuck in P it's like I am stuck in one grove, playing the same track over and over again, but when I am not stuck in a grove it will pass on to something else eventually.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on September 14, 2015, 02:31:18 PM
thanks for reply.
Maybe the key is, as you said, to make the situation no bigger than it is.When I fall into panic mode, the stress will rise. More and more pressure to not giving in. For me these flashbacks come as a complete surprise, and kicks me in the stomach.It throws me off balance.
You're right, panic doesn't help at all, but I still haven't learned to deal with it in a sensible way. I'll try to bend my thoughts and feelings into an upwards spiral. I happen to be someone who worries easily.
Anyway, thank you for your input on this,it's helpful, and excuse my poor writing, it's not my first language
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on September 19, 2015, 11:52:16 AM
haven't had any flashbacks yet, since my last post. I commit myself not to panic when it should occur.
I've come too far to lose myself again in a relapse.Holding on to my currently greatly improved life.
Stay strong my friends and keep on track.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on October 07, 2015, 12:22:06 PM
dear friends, after 280plus days, I messed up big time.I gave in to a flashback and MO'd.I truly hate myself for giving in.For me, MO is too close to PMO, and that's bad.
Man, I feel like sh*t , and my confidence has faded away completely. Me and my wife came such a long way to get to here, and at last I was stupid enough to cave.This was the only thing I wasn't expecting.Worst thing however, I couldn't even tell my wife, who has been so supportive. Unbelievable, I was acting like the "old" me again, and kept silence. I'm sick of being like this.I keep on hurting my wife, over and over again. She doesn't deserve this; it's resentful.
She has no problem with MO, but when M starts with a flashback, I am crossing the line.Basically it's pretty much the same as masturbating while watching porn on the screen.She felt already, a short time ago, that something was wrong. Again I had no guts to tell her about it. Afraid of starting a fight, afraid of hurting her, shame, you name it.All irrational thinking, but it happened.
Many times I told here on RN, to stay truthful and honest towards your loved ones. Well I broke my promise , and that's very wrong.
I don't know what to do right now. Will it ever stop?Hopefully we can keep on talking about it. I feel depressed and not very confident.
Sorry to confide to you all, especially when I stayed clean for such a long time.I don't want to demotivate anyone who's rebooting,but this is what has happened.
Thank you for reading, keep posting.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on October 07, 2015, 02:15:46 PM
All I will say mate is


And during that time, you have MO'd....


Don't feel bad. Brush it off and carry on as you were. After all the work you've done and the progress you've made, I can't imagine this is the huge setback that you think it is. 100 steps forward and one step back.

I get the feeling you are an inspiration for a lot of reboot-rookies including myself. The last thing we need is you losing the faith lol  ;D
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on October 07, 2015, 03:20:15 PM
hey Bango,
the scary part is , to get the feeling that it will always be a part of you. That these flashbacks keep on coming.
Really, 280 days without PMO or MO, is huge, I know. This gives me peace of mind,but this recent event kicked me in the stomach, as I thought I lost all cravings of any kind. The ease in witch I came to MO'ing , just scared the hell out of me.That's what I mean to tell you.
I thought I could lay back and relax, let my guard down, that I had all the strength needed to wave away the urge.
Was convinced that I had conquered this fight, and chased away the demon.It hit me by surprise, and I made the wrong decision.
Puts me right back on my feet. Today I'm feeling bad about myself, not only because of the MO, but the fact that I am still not able to be completely open to my wife.I promised to do just that, but I find it very hard to put it in practice.That's what's bugging me the most.
I think the way to complete honesty and openness is , for some of us , just as long as the journey to heal from porn.
I never intended to spread doubt amongst you readers. On contrary , I still am convinced that everyone is able to complete the healing process.I was afraid of the idea, that all our hard work the last year was going down the drain.
Just had to get my feelings off my chest, cause I'm feeling bad, and you guys have always been very helpful to me/us, as I intent to do also in the future.
So guys, please don't let my setback become a discouragement for you, we all can do this.Just stay vigilant.

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on October 07, 2015, 03:31:47 PM
anyway, how are you doing so far Bango Skank ?
I have been away from RN for a couple of weeks now, and I curious of your progress.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on October 07, 2015, 03:32:20 PM
I suppose we will all have to be vigilant until the day our manhoods shrivel up from old age. The devil (with a small d) of addiction is always watching and waiting for it's chance.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Bango Skank on October 07, 2015, 03:45:58 PM
I suppose we will all have to be vigilant until the day our manhoods shrivel up from old age. The devil (with a small d) of addiction is always watching and waiting for it's chance.

Very kind of you to ask; I'm doing well. After a relapse on my 3rd week I felt I was obsessing a bit too much, as a lot of new no-fappers do. So I've been posting a lot less.

Basically it's been one big long flatline mate, not much else to tell. Although my relationship with the Mrs has really improved due to incidental things that come along with rebooting.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on October 07, 2015, 04:02:22 PM
 that's good news. Glad to read that your relationship is improving. Getting rid of the porn numbness , is always good.
Good luck !
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on March 26, 2016, 02:14:17 PM
Fell off the wagon again !
For months I managed to stay away from P, and actually was doing great.
I have been watching P again, been lying to my spouse, tried to keep it a secret, and made my relationship darker than it was ever before. I'm afraid that I've made a final mistake that will eventually end our marriage.How can you stay involved with someone who keeps on lying over his addiction ?
It all has to do with respect and honesty towards your partner, in with I fell short in a massive way.
Feeling sad angry, and sick, can't imagine what this does to my wife, who's has been betrayed again.

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on April 02, 2016, 04:18:57 PM
next Tuesday I go and see my doctor, to get counseling, again. it will be for the third time now. I really hate myself for hurting my wife so bad, after all I've learned during the counseling sessions. Should have known better, and I do !
My wife told me she lost a bit of all her anger, and tries to keep calm, despite of all emotions. I'm so glad she tries, that really helps a lot. It's now or never , I have to deal with this, and make it stop. My last relapse has everything to do with making stupid, non thought over decisions, and that's very wrong. It gets from bad to worse , every time, and I knew it in advance. And yet here we are again. I hope to find some answers at the counseling sessions.
I'm truly  thankful that my wife is still willing to give it another shot, after all I did to her,
Keep you posted !
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: Jon64 on April 03, 2016, 10:44:06 AM
 Hopeful, sorry to hear of your struggles, I can relate to being a chronic relapser.  The biggest thing that I've learned is it has to be you to finally say that you are done with this addiction. I did that and I quit negotiating with my addiction and I'm approaching it the same way I did when I quit smoking cigarettes.  Cold turkey and no compromise. Good luck and God bless and above all keep trying.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on April 03, 2016, 12:01:28 PM
thanks for your reply,
For sure I promised, I'd never lie again, I'd stay away from P, and I'll be  open and honest.And yet, I broke all of this, and turned to P again. To me it is  shocking how easy this venom sneaks into your life. Especially  for the third time.  It is literally destructing our lives and family. I'm determined to conquer this, and lead a clean life from now on, but the problem is , how i'm gonna get my wife to believe in me again. I just lied to many times , and now there's even more broke than there was before. It will be a long run I know, but I just want to and have to get rid of this sh*t, once and for all !
It's your own willpower that can make the difference, nothing more.
keep posting !
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on July 30, 2016, 04:36:42 PM
well, been away for some time, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm doing fine, and am making more progress every day.
PMO and MO are away completely, and I only think and long for real sex and lovemaking to my own wife. My mind is at ease, and is clear. The counseling(third time ) is really going to make a difference, cause this is the first time we focus on learning to recognize the first signs of relapse, and how to deal with it. Last time I relapsed, i got triggered by some erotic webcam girls adverts on tv. It slowly, but surely sucked me down in the dark hole of full blown addiction. My only reaction was panic and feeling bad about myself. Got low self esteem, and at last didn't even bother trying to stop it. To me it was ever so clear that I just couldn't leave this behind. Brain was fixed on porn again, and I failed. End of story.
Again it was my wife, who picked me up and got me to find help again. Sure, she considered leaving me, cause she couldn't cope anymore. I don't blame her for that. After all she was still in a healing process after the previous times. It's amazing to me , every day, that she found the strength and courage to fight for me and our family, and I'm so thankful for that.
Well, here we are, and I finally have the feeling that we can win this battle, and that I truly can be a better man, my family deserves .
Let me give you some advise and tips I learned, and really have helped me. I know I'm not there yet, but am convinced I will get there
in a wile.
- get an accountability partner.
  often your SO, is too close to you, and when you try to confide in him/her, you probably get the feeling of causing too much pain or
hurting him/her. Then you're more likely to hide, deny, or lie  about it. Lying is probably the most demolishing thing to do, to a relationship !
- get good counseling.
  Even if it isn't working out for you , keep on seeking help. This PA is getting more of a problem every day, and more and more people   
  are taking this very serious.
- train your brain to convert bad thoughts into more healthy ones. Not just go out and mow the lawn, but challenge the brain and keeping it occupied( making music, reading , solving puzzles, meet some friends).
- acknowledge your addiction. The P images will be poisoning your brain for some time, and we all know that. It's the way in how you   
  react to these flashes, and bringing your mind at ease. You're not a bad person for having these back flashes, it's all about what and       
  how your reaction will be on this. Be proud of every time you succeed in withstanding. You'll feel better, it's true.
  Think about all those dark times after you PMO'd. I, for example felt like s*t.
Last week my wife and I even gave an interview about my PA, to Lee Williiams, who contacted us here on RN, and is currently writing an article about PA for the newspaper " the Independent " in the UK. Funny, but it helped us too, knowing that more people are feeling the need of bringing this addiction to light.
In a few weeks I'm planning in participating in a medical research of PA, here in The Netherlands. The research is about looking for differences in the brains of healthy, and PA men. I'm glad to offer all the help I can in the battle against PA.
So, to all of you here on RN, keep fighting this terror,  you are in control, you can make your own decisions, and you're the only one who can turn this around.
Thanks for reading this long post, and just ignore my grammatical errors (not my first language)
Wish you strength and determination.

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 30, 2016, 05:40:08 PM
Hi HOpeful,
I have read your notations of your struggle with relapse.  It does seem like you have had some long periods of sobriety and that must be a plus in the brain rewiring department.

I didn't notice this suggerstion or your mentioning it, but do you use a porn filter?  I know it doesn't make our decisions for us, but I found it definitely gives some breathing space. 

Also, you may want to consider the porn recovery program  "FORTIFY"  (  FOr a one time fee of $39 you get lifetime of access.  They have a lot of good stuff on getting passed urges.  I finished their program and review it a lot.

I have been thinking about your getting your wife to trust you again.   This will be hard to do if she has been betrayed many times before.  I think it can happen, but for now put all your emphasis on doing the program and coming clean.  Then the proof will be in the pudding.  She will see that you did it for you and not just because she was fed up.
I root for your recovery.   It is possible.  IN fact some of your own history shows it is possible, you just need to string the sobriety times together and deal with some of the underlying issues as to why you turn to PMO. 
I am a recovering addict so pleas know I do not take your struffle lightly. 
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on July 30, 2016, 06:09:52 PM
hi Run,
thanks for reading my post. Yes we do use porn filters on the computers. I asked my wife to install them for me, just to make me feel more comfortable. I even asked her to block my phone. The hardest part , as you mentioned, is to regain her trust in me, especially after so many times of betrayal. I don't have to let her know that I'm dealing with my addiction and that I want it to go away. My behavior has changed since i quit porn. She instantly notices. I feel much better about myself and are more considerate towards the other famliy members. That's not something you do, but is a state of mind you just radiate to people next to you.
I will keep on walking this very path, cause it works for me/us.
Thanks !
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: balanced on July 31, 2016, 09:13:47 AM
I read your post, and I think what makes me most optimistic for you is your statement that you now feel that you can win and be a better man. Once you feel that optimism, you change from a man running away from something that connects you to bad feelings to a man running toward something that creates positive feelings. This change is very powerful because it places you on the path of feeling the benefits of anticipatory reward...anticipating the achievement and feeling the positive psychological rush before you even fully achieve the goal. As human beings, we will always choose what feels good over what feels bad...remember, that is how we all got here...

I have recently come across what I think is a very useful, simple way to frame everything we face (urges, etc): Will power consists of three types of decisions, "I will", "I Won't", and "I Want". And it is more effective to define the "I Want" because it frames the other two very clearly.

Also, your wife sounds like one of your greatest gifts in this struggle, and being dedicated to the truth in your relationship is the best thing you can do. Talk, talk, really makes a difference. The way I have thought about things, I see my wife as an insider on this, and my counselor is an outsider, and combined they can help me examine my challenges, come to understand some of the "why" surrounding my compulsion, and giving me allies in creating the significant personal change that I want.

I, like you, thought I had this thing beat after I went cold turkey the first time, and I achieved over 800 days without PMO and MO. Then I found myself seeking P-subs, nothing real serious, and no relapse into PMO or MO, but that re-emergence of the urge is what was so troubling. My wife, like yours, was strong, clear about what she wanted in our relationships and what she did not, supportive but with high expectations and a willingness to help me find the kind of help I needed. I have refocused a great deal of effort on wiping out the urges and ogling over the past nearly 150 days and have found that a combination of reading books on self-discipline, will power, and personal growth, along with counseling from a professional with experience in PA, and dedicating myself to being open, honest and in greater touch with my own feelings, have given me a new life that I am amazed at and enjoy every day.

Thanks for the update, congratulations on the new level of resolve and effort, it is paving the way to a more fulfilling life and more meaningful relationships.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 31, 2016, 10:28:46 AM
Hi back Hopeful,

YEs, it sounds like you and your wife are on a road to recovery in all kinds of closeness.  DO I see 127 days since PMO? on your counter?
That must be a long way towards having your brain rewired.  For myself I am at day 38.  (I have gone a bit longer than that, but I didn't count so I don't really know when I started)  Do you notice any differences specifically in your consciousness as a reault of such a long streak? 
Blessings on your cointinued walk in recovery.
Title: Re: newbie
Post by: hopeful on July 31, 2016, 04:44:23 PM
Run and Balanced, thanks for your thoughts.
I'm already experiencing the benefits of a more fulfilling life. My head is clear, my focus is much better, and the way my loved ones react on the "new" me, is promising. It all feels so right, I'm just really content in how my life is right now. What scared me though, was you saying being sober for 800! days and then the urges came back. I never thought it to re-emerge after such a long time. Man, will it never stop ? I am not kidding myself, we just have to stay vigilant, for a long time. Maybe for the rest of our lives, right ?
During my last counseling sessions, I've learned to recognize, and deal with the early signs of urges or a relapse. This kind of therapy was new to me, and I'm convinced I can and eventually will use this knowledge to counter.
I WANT this new life, I WILL commit myself in becoming and staying a better person, and I WON'T sliding off again into P.
Never !

Title: Re: newbie
Post by: balanced on July 31, 2016, 06:52:32 PM
I think, for me, the difference between the first effort and the difference is the psychology of the my first phase I was really focused on abstinence, overpowering the urges. Today, my efforts focus on changing who I am for the better, and really striving for the positive change I want. Being pulled toward something I want rather than running away from something that is negative and scary.

I have seen several guys on here who have arrived at the conclusion that this is about becoming a better man, a better person, earlier than I did, and I am so happy for them.

And I think it's great you are learning to recognize the very earliest moments of the urge, that is key, and it is easier to dismiss the urges when they are not yet fully formed. Keep up the good work!