Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: Punk Monk on July 10, 2015, 01:50:35 PM

Title: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 10, 2015, 01:50:35 PM
Greetings folks!

So glad to have found you all. Apparently I was doing a reboot and didn't even know it. But stumbling across Reboot Nation answered a TON of questions.

Quick summary:

I'm 47 years old and didn't really get hooked on porn until recently. But it was enough to screw things up. My wife is an alcoholic. And as she got deeper into addiction, so did I.  She would get drunk and pass out early in the evening (or day on a weekend). So, I started going online to fulfill those "male urges".

As my wife spent more time in an alcoholic haze, I'd spend more time online.  Soon, I was visualizing porn even while we were getting intimate.  Eventually, I needed the visual stimuli just to get to the Point of No Return.  And it seemed to take longer and longer to get there.  I also began to look forward to her passing out because that meant I could spend more time with my "digital playmates". And since I work from home, I was jacking it on a regular basis.

I decided to give up porn in February. Unfortunately that lead to erectile dysfunction. After one particularly difficult evening, my wife got drunk and said some incredibly hurtful things. So I went back to porn because at least I could "fake it to make it".

In May, my wife chose to get sober. I thought, "Well, if she can give up her addiction, I can give up mine." I stopped on the 1st of June. However, this lead to another month of ED.

I started researching possible causes (medication, diet, age, etc...). But I'm not overweight, am pretty fit for my age and eat fairly healthy. Then I remembered what happened in Feb. I Googled "Internet Porn and Erectile Dysfunction" and found the Your Brain on Porn Site!

Holy cr@p did that clear things up!

It explained everything I was going through while I was doing it (the anger, the resentment, the moodiness) and everything happening since I stopped (rebooting, flat lining, etc...).

I confessed all this to my wife last week and she was remarkably supportive and (as a recovering addict herself) very understanding.

In the time since I've quit I've only slipped twice (and none of it lead to fapping). But now that I know how it works, I'm more determined to stay "clean".

I'm noticing some changes already. The morning wood's coming back as are the "spontaneous erections".  I still get the urge to get online, but they're getting less and less frequent.  And a couple of nights ago, while lying in bed next to the missus I put my hand on her rear and got the rock solid hard on! I considered waking her to do the "Marital Dance", but she was out like a light.

There will be plenty of time for that, I suppose...

Anyway, glad to be here!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: unchained on July 10, 2015, 02:53:38 PM
Congratulations on both your healing and your wife's healing as well.

Journaling and reading other journals are both tremendously helpful.  If you haven't already, the next time you go to the YBOP website check out all of the videos as well as Gary Wilson's radio podcasts.

Every time I listen to his podcasts I learn something new.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Kurall_Creator on July 10, 2015, 05:50:02 PM
Hey Punk Monk,

Welcome to our little cubbyhole on the Internet. It's awesome everything is working out for you!!!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 11, 2015, 10:07:38 AM
Thanks for the welcome, folks. Reading the journals and visiting the YBOP site has already helped a lot.

Had a weird night yesterday. See, my specific addiction comes in the form of erotic pictures and videos of celebrities (models, actresses, etc...). Sometimes, it's even just soft core stuff like sexy lingerie. Well, for some strange reason, I had a craving (there's no other way to describe it) to see pictures of a particular model I'd fapped to in the past.  I guess it's like an alcoholic craving a specific wine or mixed drink.

But knowing what I do now, I sort of distanced myself from my brain and observed the process it went through. It was fascinating! Just the ways it tried to justify things: "I don't need to see the sexy stuff...I can just watch a video she was in. That's okay, right? Just a little peak?"

Again, using the above analogy, that'd be like an alcoholic saying "I'll just uncork this bottle of Cabernet and just sniff it. no harm in that, right?"

In the end, I was able to convince my Rebel Brain it wasn't worth it and to stand down.

I'm sure I'll eventually get to a point where this kind of a thing isn't a problem. But for now, as I go through the reboot, there's just too much of an association.

Reboot On!

41 days since reboot
18 days without incident

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 12, 2015, 12:52:06 PM
Pretty good weekend.  A couple of urges here and there, but nothing that didn't go away after a few minutes.

However, I do have a question for you folks around performance anxiety.

My wife and I haven't had sex in about three weeks. For us, that's a really REALLY long time. When I told her about the reboot she was very understanding and told me to take all the time I needed. But I sense she misses the way we were.

I think I'm alright enough to go for it. But I have a serious case of performance anxiety. I remember the last few times we tried and my soldier just wouldn't salute. My poor missus did what she could to help but to no avail. I don't want to put her through that again.

But at the same time, I feel the lack of sex is affecting our moods (or it could be my guilty conscience).

Any thoughts on overcoming the Fear of Failure to Launch while rebooting would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

42 days since reboot
19 days without incident

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on July 12, 2015, 03:14:31 PM
Hi, Punk Monk.  I just started a reboot and a journal here.  Like you I have a bit of fear about re-establishing normal sexual relations with my wife after the reboot.  Worried about whether I can perform.  I guess the way I'm approaching it is to not pay too much attention to the fear and just trust that if I follow the plan, nature will take her course.  And if nature needs a little help from Cialis, I will ad that to the mix!  The main thing for me to is stay on the reboot (no P, M or O) and then once my wife and I are back together (she is away for thirty days) the only O I have will be with her.

I should add that I'm also making sure I'm in better shape for sex, doing exercises specifically for that purpose:  [url]http://www.livestrong.com/slideshow/1011170-14-exercises-man-should-improve-his-sex-life/#slide=1/[url]
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 12, 2015, 03:42:12 PM
Hey AndyNJ,

Thanks for the reply. That seems to be what I'm hearing (or...reading) from the other posters. Basically, stick to the plan and let it happen naturally. So that's what I'll do.

Paraphrasing the Buddha..."When do you not know what to do, do nothing until you do."

Good for you for getting in better shape. Whether it's for sex or just for the overall lifestyle improvement, keeping fit is always a good thing.

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 14, 2015, 09:59:37 AM
I'm noticing that sensitivity down south has really improved.  It's becoming a lot easier to get and stay hard (without visualization, I might add).

It's to a point now where, to quote Eddie Murphy in the great 48 Hours "My dick gets hard every time the wind blows!"

Still a little nervous to engage with the wife for fear of Failure To Launch, though. But I guess nature will take its course soon enough.

Strangely, I continue to have the occasional temporary urge to view pictures of specific "fitness models" (it seems like a different one every day).  But it dies down fairly quickly.

So far the desire to get permanently cured has greatly outweighed the desire for a temporary fix.

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: KennyPrester on July 14, 2015, 05:53:42 PM
Punk Monk--glad you are here!

Kudos to AndyNJ for recommending Kegels--I do a lot more than the link suggests, and they really work. If women do Kegels, they become multi-orgasmic and very responsive to G-spot stimulation.

If you still have performance anxiety, you might consider discussing this with your wife and setting aside some time to enjoy every form of sexual intimacy that the two of you enjoy EXCEPT intercourse, which is then strictly off the menu. Of course, if you do that, you will probably end up having intercourse and VOILA! problem solved.

The reason I suggest considering this is, when I've had trouble regaining an erection, I just went ahead and made love anyway in some other fashion--you can use your imagination. And the erection returned. But when I just allowed myself to "be made love to", waiting for the erection to return--not so easy.

But most of all--and I know you know this--make love to her day and night, sexually or nonsexually. Let her know and feel that she is your treasure.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on July 14, 2015, 07:48:21 PM
Good advice, KennyPrester.  As they say, a watched pot never boils.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 14, 2015, 09:14:55 PM
Leon,

Great insight. Obsessive urges are just symptomatic of something deeper. So I need to find out what that is. 

Honestly, I think I'm just horny. It's been awhile  since I've gotten it on. And my wife is working through her own stuff right now, so porn seems like a good avenue for self gratification. These, I suspect, are just old behavior patterns emerging and slowly dying away.

Thanks, man! I probably wouldn't have figured that out had it not been for your post.


KennyPrester,

The "no intercourse" sex is a great idea! I've actually run that past my wife and she's game. I also love the last line in your post. You are absolutely correct. I try to do "make love to her" in many ways throughout the day. I find myself being more "handsy" with her (and she loves that) now that I'm clean. And that definitely gets the "little monk's" attention!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 15, 2015, 10:21:38 AM
Man! Woke up with some "Viagra" quality Morning Wood today! Wasn't sure if I should stay in bed and hide or tie a flag around it! (I chose to do neither).

Forgot how good the natural male response feels...or how off center the porn addiction made it.

My missus also got a visit from her monthly friend today. Usually, this means we can't have sex for a few days (we call this "Closing the store"). We started discussing how we haven't had a chance to be intimate lately because we've both been working through our issues.

So I brought up Kenny Prester's suggestion about getting intimate without intercourse.

She liked the idea, so I have the green light to try that when appropriate.

Funny thing...all we were doing was talking about it...the touching, the gentle stroking of the skin, the kissing...and I started getting aroused!

So this is what normal feels like.

Feels good!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on July 15, 2015, 10:48:45 AM
That's great, Punkmonk. Your posting makes me wish my wife was around.  She's away, but we'll be reunited next month, then watch out!

I imagine we'll also start with sex without intercourse.  Intercourse is sometimes painful for her because of menopause, but that actually isn't a terrible thing.  It causes us to slow down as we overcome it, and my old PMO addiction won't be getting in the way. 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 17, 2015, 03:19:43 PM
Weird day.

We had a Neighbor Lady who lived across the street who moved recently. But in a very superficial way, she reminded me of a favorite digital playmate. She had the three B's; (blonde, bronzed and busty).  And I confess, on occasion, I've spanked it to her image.

Now I'd never even think about making a play in real life because 1) I love my wife and would never cheat on her 2) Neighbor Woman and her boyfriend are friends of ours and 3) Neighbor Woman's boyfriend is much bigger than I am!

Well...I saw Neighbor Woman today. And on one hand, I was really tempted to engage in some visual self gratification. After all, that's not porn, right? I'm not surfing the web or anything. 

And yet, on the other hand, I noticed she really wasn't all that attractive. Other than a slight resemblance to a favorite masturbation subject, she really didn't do it for me.

But it was amazing to observe the struggle play out in my psyche. The justification chain is just incredible.

In the end, I held tough. So I won't have to reset my counter.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on July 18, 2015, 12:42:09 PM
Great going, Punkmonk.  I love the term "justification chain." I know just what you mean!  That little devil voice...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 19, 2015, 11:39:12 AM
Thanks, Andy.

I think I borrowed "justification chain" from my wife's AA sponsor.  Sure seems to fit our situation though, doesn't it?

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 19, 2015, 11:48:00 AM
Can 25 seconds undo 25 days?

I had a quasi slip last night.  I was up late and the Missus had gone to bad.  My mind was still burning from seeing Neighbor Woman a few nights ago as she reminded me of a certain celeb I used to get off to.

So I Googled images of said celeb. Nothing racy...no soft core porn. I just put her name in and hit "images".  There were, of course, some sexy images...but she was  fully clothed all of them.

Curiously, it gave me a mild headache. As if my brain were trying to push through some of the rewiring and undo it  I shut the browser down in less than a minute and went to bed.

The dopamine rush was severe.

This morning, I put my hand on my sleeping wife's booty and the Little Monk woke up! So it doesn't have effected me too much.

Still...scary how powerful the urge can be.

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 23, 2015, 01:56:38 PM
Temptation city! The wife's Victoria's Secret catalog arrived today. At one time that was appropriate source material.

Well, I'm happy to report I did not even crack it open. And my wife chucked in the trash (she doesn't really like their clothes).

Funny thing is I didn't even really have urge to look at it. But that's because I'm still in the flatline/horny cycle.  There are days that nothing gets me aroused. And then there are days where the Little Monk is always at attention. Seems to happen every other day.

I assume this is normal.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: KennyPrester on July 26, 2015, 05:09:46 PM
Punkmonk congrats on chucking that catalogue in the trash where it belongs! And it's so good to have a wife who is cooperating and helpful as yours is.

33 days--going strong!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 26, 2015, 11:11:34 PM
Been in a flatline cycle for the last few days. Saw the missus topless last night and...nothing.

So all day, I've been wanting to "correct" that through the magic of visual stimulation. Funny thing...there's one specific image of one specific actress I'm really jonesing to see.

I don't think an alcoholic craves a specific drink. Typically, they're happy if they can get the stuff in any form. Hell, I knew one alcoholic who stooped to drinking Listerine when the liquor stores were closed.

So why are my urges so targeted?  Really bizarre how that works.

Anyway, so far I'm holding strong...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: KennyPrester on July 27, 2015, 10:51:03 AM
It's often been the same with me, honestly. And often centered around either 1. a girl I met, flirted with, or who flirted with me, or 2. a celebrity/actress.

I'd be turned on to the image, then go online to find images of her or resembling her. Then find porn stars resembling her, and the rest would be history.

I started to obsess on the way home from a business trip last weekend over a blonde who was sort of flirting with me, who may have thought I was sort of flirting with her when I was making conversation. But I stopped. I think she got pissed off when I didn't offer for her to sit with me.

But push comes to shove in two areas for me: 1. honesty in online searching, honesty with myself and my accountability partner; and 2. not allowing porn mind, porn "movies" that I produce, direct, cast, maybe even co-star in--not allowing these to play in my imagination.

So I get out my phone (not hooked up to internet, by choice, for now), use the calculator function, and figure out how many hours it's been since I've been freed from porn, since I last used.

And I think, I really don't want to mess that up. I want that number (a big number, since it's in hours) to get bigger and bigger. I want to be more and more FREE!

It also helps me to get very, very still, watch what my emotions are, ask myself what I really want, then pray for the woman whose image I was wanting to use. I suppose alternatively, you might imagine yourself wishing her a happy life, giving her a knuckle bomb, then yourself walking off into the sunset a hero, as the credits roll...

But yeah, the brain will latch onto very specific images, very innocent even, to get leverage for dopamine. I don't know how many times I've gone from children's films (with hot babes, maybe playing the mom or whatever) to soft core (with the same babes nude) to hard core and PMO. And often, just before O, I would switch back from hard core to the "legitimate" actress's pic. Especially if she is a redhead.

The brain leverages what it can leverage.

But we are more than our brains.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 27, 2015, 11:02:04 PM
Thanks, Kenny!

You don't know what a relief it is to know it's not just me. 

What you described is exactly the way I handled my fantasies.  For a time, I exclusively focused on women who resembled my wife. I'd lied to myself that it would actually help with the real deal.  Don't need to tell you how spectacularly that failed.

Lately, thanks to all of you and the YBOP site, I now recognize this as the brain wanting its dopa mine rush.  So I detach and almost treat it like a small child, telling it "I know what you're up to, and it won't work. Let's do something else instead."

You're right, we are more than our brains.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 29, 2015, 12:09:50 AM
Having a tough day.

My wife became severely underweight while she was drinking. I attribute this to poor habits she acquired when she was drunk (passing out, skipping meals, no exercise, etc...). About a month ago her doctor put her on a program that has her gaining about a pound a week. So at least we're trending in the right direction. Keep this mind, it's important for later.

Tuesdays, my wife goes to her AA meeting while I attend an Al-Anon meeting across the hall. Afterwards we go out to dinner and make a "date night" out of it. Tonight, there was a very attractive woman in our meeting. She bore a striking resemblance to a famous swimsuit model from the 70's. I made it through half the meeting before my mind started thinking about all the ways I'd have sex with her. I had to force myself to focus (which I did eventually).

Worse still, I became irritable with my wife (which she noticed at dinner). This woman was fit and well built and healthy...all the things my wife isn't right now. At one time, my wife had been slim, toned and fit. She used to do yoga, run and eat healthily.

Since I'm still wired for visual stimuli, the fact that she's not like that now has caused a weird aversion to her in me right now.

And I want so much to Google pictures of the swimsuit model and masturbate hard. Or even call up a visual of the woman in the meeting.

I feel angry, creepy and ashamed.

But hey! At least I haven't PMO'ed...yet.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: KennyPrester on August 01, 2015, 09:30:23 PM
Hey Punkmonk,

Been there! The women I run into at various places become, often, the catalyst for looking for porn replacement, then soft core, then hard core, and so it goes.

But behind it, or with it, there is often some secret anger or resentment. I've dealt with a lot of it, and gotten much better at handling anger. But sometimes, it moves more quickly than I do.

The STAR protocol--Stop and assess what's going on, Take a few deep breaths, Ask yourself what you really want, Respond in a healthy way--has helped me a lot with urges to P and M. But what I need, is to practice it with anger, and boredom, and resentment, and depression. Because when these emotions get the better of me, porn-lust sneaks up behind while I'm not in the zone and takes over.

Sounds like this might help in your situation as well...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 02, 2015, 12:08:14 PM
Hey KP,

Thanks for the great advice! And again, for letting me know that I'm not alone out there in the mental soup of reboot.

One thing I'm starting to notice is what a ping-pong/seesaw/pendulum/yo-yo (hell...pick a metaphor!) my emotions are going through.

I seem to oscillate between the complete objectification of women (looking for a way to "use them" for my own gratification) and seeing them as beautifully fully realized spiritual beings. I know that's corny...but I AM Punk Monk!

The day after I typed my post on the 29th, I had a wonderful day with my wife. We went out to brunch, hit a local shopping village and just had a great day together.  We laughed, joked and shared stories about each other's struggles.  I looked at her with, not just my eyes, but my heart and knew without a doubt why I married her.

And I found that incredibly arousing...but in a healthy way.

Who cares if she doesn't look like an airbrushed photoshopped image of a famous actress? There's more to the male/female dynamic than that. And I look forward to exploring that in the real world.

Side note: I had the most amazing dream this morning about making love to (note: not 'having sex with") my wife. And of course, I woke up with a hard on the size of Florida!

I think that's my cue to give the real thing a try. It's been almost five weeks since we've been physical. The longest we've gone in the past was five days! I'll just set he bar low. Whatever happens happens. Goes back to Kenny's idea about getting intimate without intercourse. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, well that's cool too.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on August 02, 2015, 02:23:20 PM
Punk Monk's going in!! Good luck man!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 02, 2015, 03:36:06 PM
Great day!

I saw. I CAME! But I did not necessarily conquer.

I was looking for the right time to make my move, when my wife disappeared into the bedroom and came out with nothing on but the radio (and hot pair of panties!).

"How did you know?!" I asked.

"What are you talking about," she said. "We haven't done it in a long time and I'm really horny!"

I love my girl!

It was awesome! I haven't feel so "in the moment" and connected with her in a long time! And I'm happy to report the Little Monk knew exactly what to do and did it well!

However, I just couldn't get to the "point of no return". I was close. I could feel it. So...I resorted to a little mental trickery to get me there. Not porn. Not exactly. I was still thinking of my wife. But in my head she was saying and doing certain things that she doesn't normally do or say.

In the end, I got there. But I wouldn't characterize this as a "reboot" since I still had to go into my head to get off.

I also noticed my load seemed a little light. You would think after 40 days of nada, the pressure build up would shoot her across the room.

Full disclosure: I'm taking Proscar (finesteride...same as Propecia) because I'm vain and my hair has started thinning at the crown. One of the side effects is supposed to be "decreased semen volume".  Wondering if that's it or if it's still a side effect of the PIED. Either way. I'll feel it out. If it persists, I may just stop the meds.

I shared with my wife everything I'm sharing with you guys. Her response? "Well, we'll just have to have sex more."

I love my girl!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on August 02, 2015, 04:58:11 PM
Awesome! High five bro! I don't think you're out of the woods yet tho. But I got to give credit where it's due.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 08, 2015, 09:16:07 PM
Looks like I'm two for two and going strong!

Both my wife's and my schedule have been crazy busy this week. But we finally found a little chill time to GET busy today!

I'm happy to report that everything worked like a champ! I had a mini-Florida in my pants the second her lips touched mine! So, looks like the ED is DOA (knocking furiously on my wooden desk as I type this, though).

It was fun and exciting and wonderful. But I did find myself worrying about the "Second Time Curse".  Seems like a lot of us get a little performance anxiety after a successful launch which causes a set back the second time around.

And I definitely felt the anxiety creeping in (along with the subtle effect south of the border). However, a shift of focus from my head to my beautiful partner got all systems back on track. And I was able to orgasm to both our satisfaction!

Still battling a little bout of DE, though. Can't quite seem to get to the point of no return without a little visual of my wife. But this time I didn't hold the image too long and was quickly able to get into the moment and let it happen. Next time, I won't force the issue and instead spend more time getting HER off.

Also concerned about the size of my load. Although my wife seems to think it was pretty healthy shot, it just felt...different. When I mentioned this to her, she wondered if perhaps a "porn" ejaculation felt different to me than a "normal" one. Could be...

I also realized I'd developed a bad habit from my porn days. Back then, when we did it (and she was drinking), I'd "reward" myself for ejaculating by doing a little PMO later. Had that urge again today.

But it was easy to remember how much better the real thing is.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Kurall_Creator on August 09, 2015, 09:08:40 AM
Sounds like you have successfully rebooted!

I was talking to my SO about how awesome this community really is, when people come here, everybody wants to help them out - and by the end of it, when we have rebooted, we help the newbies, and both help each other!

I love this dynamic community, always changing, always growing, always focused!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 09, 2015, 11:29:00 AM
Thanks, Kurall.

Not sure I'm completely there yet. When I have a healthy attitude towards sex and masturbation, I'll consider myself 100% rebooted.

Still have a couple of issues to work through, but I'm definitely on the right track.

Yeah, this community is incredible! Never would have been able to get this far without the wisdom and support of all the people on this site.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: bob on August 11, 2015, 08:13:47 AM
Punk Munk,

Just got through your journal. Sounds like you are doing great and that you have a wonderful woman on your hands! More power to you during this whole reboot process.

One thing I wanted to mention. And I have to tell you I am amazed that I would even  consider writing this down. I guess it shows how honest one can be in this type of environment. Anyway, as stupid as this sounds; here it goes.

In the past couple of years I got to the point where I had little to no ejaculate upon O. Some would always come out afterwards but not much. I though it was directly related to PMO so I was excited to see if it would increase during the reboot. However, I didn't see much improvement, least not I could tell. I do feel a difference when I finish off inside my wife but I am not really sure that is really a sign of increased production. The times I MO (about 5 days ago) I binged so it was hard to tell during that time.

Would love to hear if this is unusual or not. Think I might mention it to my Dr. when I get a physical. Kind of miss it. If it isn't a problem I'm not to worried about it.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 15, 2015, 01:22:19 AM
Been on the road this week and man, was it tough!

That used to be primo spank time since I had the whole room to myself. And I admit, I snatched a quick look at some pictures of a former digital playmate (not porn and no nudity). But through sheer will (and a minor miracle), I managed to move passed it. I reminding myself how amazing sex with my wife has been lately, which motivated me to save those urges for the real thing.

I would have loved to have made love to my wife when I got home. But unfortunately, her "Monthly Friend" came for a visit and the Candy Store is closed until Sunday.

And as if that weren't bad enough, a certain quarterback with a certain supermodel wife has been in the news lately. This supermodel was once one of my go to digital playmates so her pictures are everywhere. Bikini shots, yoga pants, lingerie. Crap...some of that stuff is worse than porn!

It was tough, but I resisted and am still PMO free.

However, I found myself getting snippy and impatient with my wife today. There was no real reason for it. We were having a pleasant enough conversation and I just needled her about something. I passed it off as not having had my morning coffee and she didn't seem to worry much about it.

But it bugged me. And after a little introspection, I realized I was a) going through a bit of withdrawal after tempting myself with those pictures and b) angry and resentful at my wife for not looking like them.

This is why I still don't feel I've completely "Rebooted".  Even though I seem to have the ED and PMO under control, there are still some lingering side effects.

Hopefully, a good does of The Real Thing will chase away the need for fantasy...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 16, 2015, 04:41:17 PM
Bob,

I wonder if the decreased production is just a sign age. I still like to think of myself as that virile 20 year old (or even 30 year old!) who could hit the ceiling with my "issue" (as George R. R. Martin calls it in the "Game of Thrones" books).  That definitely took a dive when I hit 40.

When I noticed it, I started doing some research and the most doctors will tell you that volume of ejaculate or pressure has little to do with actual fertility (or health). Curious to hear if your doctor has anything different to say.

Like I said before, my wife says she feels a decent load...so maybe it's just a perception thing.

Oh and...welcome to the Reboot Nation!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 16, 2015, 04:54:00 PM
Well, today was a strange one.

My wife finally "opened the store" after her "monthly visitor" had packed her red luggage and left. That was goodness! However, she was in a crappy mood due to some external stuff going on.

I thought a little nookie might cheer her up and we went for it. But she wasn't her usual cheerful self. That and my performance anxiety due to the late night Google searches messed with my head.

We were off to a great start! And I had a mini Florida in my shorts. But my confidence started to fade. So did my erection.  I went soft just before going in. However, I saw this beautiful woman lying there, and with a few strokes...I was back in business!

This time, however, I came WAY too quickly. We were both very surprised.  Again, it didn't have that explosive feeling. But my wife assured me there was plenty of stuff left over when I was done.

So, to sum up; just another reminder that I haven't rebooted yet and to stay away from sexy pictures. And apparently, my delayed ejaculation is cured!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: L.T.D. on August 16, 2015, 05:54:05 PM
I have noticed that the duration of the activity varies for me. One day I'm having the 2 hour marathon and the next I'm the 2 pump chump (not quite that bad but climaxing quicker then intended). Not sure what the deal is but I know what the answer is not. These appear to be turbulent times. Stay the course. Im sure we will "regulate" soon.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 16, 2015, 10:43:50 PM
L.T.D,

Thanks, man.

Yep, I think that's exactly what it is. Our systems are "regulating". There's some sensory and hormonal ping-ponging that's bound to happen as we even out. It's the body returning to normal as it adjusts to functioning without excessive outside stimuli.

I'm not worried. At least I'm three for three so far!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 23, 2015, 04:47:25 PM
So, we're four for four so far! 

It's not like we plan to get it on every Sunday. That seems to be the only time we're not swamped or tired.  But we did it again. Everything worked as it should have. And it was wonderful.

However...

Once again, I had to go into my head a bit to get to the point of no return (PNR). Still thinking of my wife, but imagining certain fantasy situations with her.  It's not for long, and once I get there I can orgasm. But this means I'm still not fully in my body.

Today, it did feel different. More explosive...which seems to validate my theory that the "porn" release is different than the "normal" release.

I think it's because slid on the wagon a bit. I'm still on it, mind you. But my footing is less than solid.

I Googled a few pictures of a former digital playmates this week. Nothing sexy or even soft core...just typed in her name. But naturally there are bound to be some provocative images associated with an attractive female celeb.

So, I think I'm going to reset my counter and not willfully search out images of sexy celebs.

This should be the final component of 100% Successful Reboot.

Stay tuned...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 29, 2015, 11:17:05 AM
Whew! Been a tough one.  Seems like the media (both print and online) are just conspiring to make things difficult.

Ever day there's some sexy, provocative picture of some famous woman; "so-and-so's bangin' bikini body!", "such-and-such model's sexy selfie", "look at her provocative photo shoot"...

And if I see one more freaking Kardashian picture (I'm not attracted to them...I just wish they'd fucking stop!)

But, things seem to be holding out. Had a bit of a bout yesterday when some celeb had her vacation bikini pictures all over the internet. It was a bit like showing an alcoholic constant streaming pictures of an awesome wine.

Fortunately, I'm getting through it by remembering how much better the real thing is than the fantasy (and yes, I realize how lucky I am in this respect). When I was fantasizing about the celeb du jour, I immediately started thinking about my wife and how I could creatively spice up our play time. This seemed like a more constructive use of the imagination.

Call it "Redirection of erection!"  ;D
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 30, 2015, 03:34:56 PM
Welp, first misfire in a month.  And I'm kind of bummed. But I knew that I hadn't fully rebooted so this is just further proof that there's work to be done.

On the plus side, I think the PIED has been cured.  Now I just have to work on finishing the job.

I'm still too cued to visual imagery. And I'm not quite ready to deviate from the familiar.  This afternoon, we were sort of in a hurry so we thought we'd get a quickie in.

The missus came out all in her Birthday Suit Glory.  But see, I really like seeing her in certain...clothes. The fact that she wasn't presenting the visual I liked coupled with the feeling of being rushed impacted things a little.

While I was able to get it up, I instantly went into my head so I could ejaculate. And of course, the more I did that, the harder it became to get to the point of no return. And after awhile, I just went soft...resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen.

The Missus was gracious as usual and promised we'd try again.

But all I want to do right now is look at pictures of naked supermodels and jack off when she goes to her class tonight.

Instead, I'm going to relax, take a nice long hot bath...and take her up on her offer when she gets home.

Wish me luck.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 04, 2015, 09:01:06 PM
Wife got her monthly visit today. Which means the Store is closed. And just as the weekend started, too!

But I was feeling horny.

So...I took matters into my own hands.

I did NOT used the internet. In fact, I didn't use any external imagery at all. Just let the body do its thing.  Images and thoughts flashed through my brain, but I l didn't hang on to them. Just let them go.

Let it gooooo (now see if you can get that damn song out of your head!)

I did dwell on a memory of some of the great sex my wife and I have been having, though. But does that count as fantasy?

Anyway, I climaxed fairly quickly and it felt good.

Made me more excited about the real thing when the Store opens for business again

Geez, is this what normal masturbation feels like? It's been so dang long, I don't remember anymore...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 05, 2015, 10:24:09 AM
Resetting my counter.  I was reading a late night article on "Cosplay" and well...went and check out some of the model's pictures. All sexy and suggestive.

Unfortunately, I had a brief dalliance with the thought of PMOing to them.

I didn't. But it's enough of a slip to set the counter back to zero.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 13, 2015, 06:27:38 PM
Finally back in the saddle (and the sack) after two weeks of unintentional celibacy!

First, my Missus had her visit from her monthly friend, then I got sick. Then SHE got sick. So a little slap and tickle (as the Brits say) took a back seat.

This morning, my wife was feeling better and asked if I wanted to "do it".  Game on!  Neither one of us looked particularly sexy with our bedhead and comfy clothes. But nothing got me harder faster than touching a naked woman!

So, safe to say the PIED is cured.  But I'm still challenged with O'ing without going into my head.  Obviously the porn addiction has conditioned my pea-brain to climax to erotic imagery.

While the only way to stop that is to just stay out of my head, I really wanted to blow. Not only does it feel great, my wife loves it when it happens. Plus, I wouldn't mind knocking her up. We're not necessarily trying to have kids...but we're not NOT trying, if that makes sense.  We're older, so the odds are stacked against us. So if I can cum every time, that evens them out a little.

Not a big dilemma. But this last little piece of the Porn Brain is tough to let go.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 23, 2015, 11:12:04 AM
Resetting my counter here folks.

I was still horny after having some pretty good nookie with the Missus last Sunday and she had gone to sleep. So...I started cruising the internet in search of "visual stimulation".

I have not, to date, acted on it. But I find myself wanting to look at it more and more. This feel like the "Gateway drug" to PMO.

Things have been going pretty well lately (which is one reason I don't post that often) with the only problem being the need to "go into my head" to get off. This is that last little part of my brain that needs to be rewired. And being hooked on dirty pictures is completely impeding that.

Side note: I'm noticing a change in the thought process as well. When I was clean, I'd have what I believe is a healthy reaction to seeing a beautiful woman. Whether it was an image or in real life, I could appreciate her beauty. Maybe I'd feel some stirrings in the Little Monk. And this sustained horniness might drive some passion with my wife (though I'd never project the other woman on to her).

Now, when I see an attractive woman, I think about having sex with her. Or maybe using her image to jack off.

So far, I've held off actually PMOing. But I can tell it's affecting my thinking.  Funny thing, it's also giving me a headache. Like the brain is conflicted in carving out the new neural pathways.

Anyway...kind of struggling here. Totally don't want to undo all the good that I've done. But it's getting tough right now.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: hopeful on September 23, 2015, 02:15:57 PM
hey man,
you always have the choice here. It's yours and yours alone, turning back into this black hole, or not.
Keep the mind busy, and spent time on things that really are important to you. You don't want this. Every time you turn to visuals, even if you're not acting on it, is a step closer to a relapse. PMO is a small step away. Come on man , stay away from it.The cravings will end , I know.
Also don't make this bigger than it really is. If you think of not PMO'ing the whole time, the stress builds up, and it will get harder to fight it off.Don't let it take over, and stay clear in your head.
Keep fighting my friend, we all can do this, I'm convinced.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 23, 2015, 08:59:20 PM
If you think of not PMO'ing the whole time, the stress builds up, and it will get harder to fight it off.

Hopeful,

Thanks man. That up there is absolutely true.  I found the urge came and went in waves. It'd be really strong for about 20 minutes, then I'd go do something else and it was just gone.

So I'm going to try to just let the thought come, then let them go and do something else in the meantime.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 16, 2015, 11:54:59 AM
Been awhile since I've been here.  I was actually doing pretty good. But, like all addicts, I got cocky (pun possibly intended).  And so, I'm back and with a reset counter.

First the good news: I seem to be cured of erectile dysfunction. So getting it up is no longer a problem. And the missus and I have been having pretty damn good sex regularly.

Now the bad news: still having trouble with another form of PIED - "Porn Induced EJACULATION Dysfunction".  Still having a hard time (again...pun possibly intended) blowing my wad without going into my head and thinking about a provocative situation.

A few weeks ago, I had a slight relapse and started Googling soft core porn images. Figured I was cured, what's the big deal, yada yada yada. Told myself it was okay because I didn't jack it to the packet right then and there. Lately,however, I find myself using them to get me to the Point of No Return when I'm with my wife. Once I'm there..I can let it go and be in the moment. But the dependence on the images is getting stronger.

I'm also noticing some of the other urges and feeling starting to creep back (the "withdrawal crankiness", overly objectifying women, resentment at the missus for not looking like an airbrushed porn star). 

So I probably need to get back with the program.

As the song goes "Time to get back to the land and set my soul free"...

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Riseup1010 on November 17, 2015, 08:38:38 PM
Punk monk,

Staying on your program is the path to success. I read your whole thread and at 37+ days of no PMO I am currently experiencing many of your patterns of thought and behavior. Check out my "rebooting thru accountability" post.

I am staying porn free - and proud of it - but having to beat down (pun intended) the nearly unconscious urge to see sexy women, whether on a commercial during the football game, when on Facebook and my college son "likes" a cute coed's new profile pic, or stopping the TV remote on collegiate women's volleyball...uggh. Some folks here have had to eliminate all pixel devices, stop watching TV, etc. I'm not saying you (or I) need to do that, but being vigilant about every trigger and every possible source, however "innocuous" it may seem, is imperative. I too get angry and disgusted with myself, whether skimming by the short-shorts on the volleyball player or laciviously gazing at the hard-body at the gym. Eliminating all these conditions is neither practical nor realistic. It doesn't do me any good to reboot but have to go live in the woods in a cabin with no electricity. I have to heal and live life as it comes (pun not intended).

My wife and I have had sex twice in the 37 days of my maiden reboot and it has been really good. I am ready to go without much pause and I'd do it with her twice or more per week if we didn't have travel for work, fighting the early winter colds, "closed shop"', and 1 kid still in the house...! My only challenge is that both times I initiated the sex, with intention to have lots of great foreplay with her, give her the big O, then move on with great intercourse. She is sensitive to the PIED I experienced 38 days ago and knows I am in reboot mode, so instead, she jumps me and 60 seconds later I'm finished and she doesn't want to do anything else. It's almost like she's overly concerned about me and just wants to reassure both of us that we didn't forget how to ride the bike, and needs to "check the box" that PIED was a one-time deal. Maybe it's just part of the journey. 37 days feels like forever but it's such a small sample size in a situation new to both of us. I am breaking a 30+ year porn addiction that progressed from playboy to penthouse to VHS to DVD to modem to high-speed, so there is no easy path out of the darkness of porn addiction. We don't study Pavlovian psychology and stimulus-response in college for no reason...!

So, keep up the fight. Visit here every day or at least several times per week. Be honest with yourself, take pride in your small and grand accomplishments, and stay the course. I know I am an addict and the path to recovery requires concerted focus commensurate with the severity of the situation. Recognize that you are in a battle, and keep fighting.

rise up!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 19, 2015, 05:37:09 PM
Thanks Riseup,

Congratulations on 38+ days of being porn free. It is no easy feat. So great job!

And thanks for the encouragement. You're right. The key is to stay vigilant, aware and above all...focused.

Your situation with your wife sounds similar to mine. When I first started the reboot, we didn't have sex for about six weeks (which is absolutely unheard of for us!).  But it did so many great things for us. It gave us a chance to get closer to each other, find other ways to be intimate (physical or otherwise) and take the pressure off of having sex.  Then one day, my wife decided she couldn't stand it, put on something sexy and jumped my bones. Oddly enough, I was literally about to throw her over my shoulder and drag her to the bedroom when she beat me to it.  And it was the best sex we've had!

I've been PMO free for six months. But this last lingering "gift" from porn addiction is hard to beat. But not impossible.

Since returning to the site and refraining from the eye candy, things have improved. I seem to have gotten over the hump (pun intended) and am noticing some of those porn fueled urges are dying down. For example, if I see a magazine with a scantily clad airbrushed celeb on the cover, I can appreciate her beauty without instantly wanting to jack it to the image.

I noticed that I used to walk around with "Porn Goggles" (like the ubiquitous "Beer Goggles"). Every woman I saw was considered material for future use...a "deposit" in the Spank Bank. And there was a silent hidden shame in that. I hoped I didn't come across like the creepy leering old guy. Now I can actually look, talk and interact with women without having that feeling take over. It's a good thing!

So, as the great Lao Tzu once said, "Even a thousand mile journey starts with a single step".  We take our journey, one step at a time. Grateful that we are at least moving forward.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on November 21, 2015, 05:56:23 AM
Hey PM. Thanks for your posts. You've reminded me to remain vigilant, even after an extended period of time without porn. I can relate to your share about the 'porn goggles.' At a certain point, I couldn't even go to the gym without fantasizing about half the guys there (I'm gay by the way). I've taken off my porn goggles so while I can appreciate someone's beautify, I'm not constantly on the hunt for a potential hook up. I wish you the best of luck with your second reboot brother. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 22, 2015, 01:41:37 AM
Thanks Lyon,

And I'm inspired by you hitting over a YEAR without porn. Good for you, brother!

The Porn Goggles thing fascinates me now. And I'm kind of having fun tracking and deconstructing that whole thought process.

There was a young lady in my kung fu class who I thought reminded me someone I used to jack it to.  And I noticed my physiological reaction to her was the same as looking at pictures of my fantasy celeb. And it was actually impacting the real world interactions I had with her.

The funny thing is that now the Porn Goggles are off, I realize she looks almost nothing like the celeb! And I wonder how in the hell I thought there was a resemblance in the first place!

The mind is a powerful thing. I guess it was trying to find another outlet for its serotonin rush. Since I was no longer looking at soft corn porn, my warped pea brain was trying to shunt the obsession into the real world.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on November 22, 2015, 10:23:05 AM
Hi, Punk Monk.

Congratulations on six months! You already know of the progress made physiologically, as well as with your wife.

Having an appreciation for how serious this addiction is (often likened to a heroine or cocaine addiction), as well as an appreciation for the science of it, are important things to have in place for the long haul.

If it's no longer in our life, it's no longer a factor. If it's not in our heart/mind to do, then great. Nothing chains us to keep posting here (other than giving back to the community), and I know for myself, I don't want to constantly think about this stuff nor give it any place in my life. I don't know if that's why you hadn't posted here in a while (prior to this). But, if there's an inching up to (pun intended) former behaviors, which for me always start with the more innocence glances on T.V., public places, or FB, it's a skirting around the rims of the porn-pit, which once we fall into, it's very, very hard to get out of- and perhaps we forget how hard it was.

While we want to create a new identity for ourselves (not the old us minus the porn), and perhaps distance ourselves from the reminders (which include even this place), we needn't be too far away from what worked before just in case we're 'edging up to' the abyss.

We have to be doggedly serious about the change we're seeking to enact, so much so that we're purposeful about it, albeit in a non-obsessive way.

Be well.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 30, 2015, 11:34:02 AM
Hey Leon,

Thanks for the insightful words.  And I really love the "skirting around the rims of the porn-pit".  metaphor.  So true. So true.

I was also struck by the reminder that as we move past addiction, we must create a new identity for ourselves, not just the "old" us minus the crutch.  It is amazing how much of my mind was occupied with porn and how the "new" me has used that free space towards the resurgence of old hobbies and the pursuit of some new ones.

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 30, 2015, 11:41:07 AM
So as I approach two weeks free of gateway soft core porn, I feel pretty good.

Being away for a week with minimal access to internet helped with that.

I confess, though, that I did M and O, though not to porn.  Some situations prevented me and my lovely wife from getting it on, so it was only my lady love I was thinking of.

But although, I would consider this "healthy masturbation", it does bring up an interesting question: "Is there such a thing for us?"

My personal belief is that there is. Masturbation in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. And can actually server a useful purpose. But to those of us who have made it an obsessively central part of our lives, can even "healthy" masturbation be harmful? Is that like giving an alcoholic a single "healthy" drink?
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on December 01, 2015, 12:23:46 PM
Hey Leon,

Thanks for the insightful words.  And I really love the "skirting around the rims of the porn-pit".  metaphor.  So true. So true.

I was also struck by the reminder that as we move past addiction, we must create a new identity for ourselves, not just the "old" us minus the crutch.  It is amazing how much of my mind was occupied with porn and how the "new" me has used that free space towards the resurgence of old hobbies and the pursuit of some new ones.

PM

It's so true. I also like the term you used, gateway porn. Both are very descriptive of the situation. Remembered just yesterday how a 'friend suggestion' on FB quickly drew me in. On the profile (yes, I went there), there were depictions of many things that I've liked before.

I found myself asking, 'Why did I have a need to go there? What is it that I'm going through now that I feel a need to medicate myself by going to a provocative profile?' - I haven't yet found the answer, but this is the thought process. I worked things out with my wife last night, sexually, so- took opportunity to rewire instead. But these things can be so dangerous for us, and our resolve can dissolve so quickly.

This place, however, strengthens our resolve once again.

Toward your other thoughts, I shared this recently on my own journal, but it's appropriate to share here as well:

Someone words it well on another site:

Have the mindset of "a new you", not "the old you minus PMO".

~ Omega Man.

And there's this quote attributed to Socrates (though it's a character from a book named 'Socrates'):

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

~ Character 'Socrates', Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book that Changes Lives by Dan Millman
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 01, 2015, 11:01:03 PM

And there's this quote attributed to Socrates (though it's a character from a book named 'Socrates'):

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

~ Character 'Socrates', Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book that Changes Lives by Dan Millman

That's brilliant! Thanks for the reminder.  I read that book once a long time ago.  Might not be a bad idea to bust it out again...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 08, 2015, 05:13:28 PM
So the Missus has her "monthly friend" this week. Which means, as we like to put it, "the store is closed".

And since we'd been having good sex regularly, this drought led to a a couple of night of M and O, though no P (although the Mental Spank Bank is pretty stocked with high quality images).

Again, is this "normal masturbation"? And that something guys like us can enjoy. (I asked that in my last post and WOULD REALLY like some feedback, if y'all wouldn't mind).

The one thing I noticed during those few days is that the "Porn Goggles" started coming back.  The missus and I went to a mall this weekend for some Christmas shopping and My Porn Brain went nuts at all the women in the area. It was a Spank Bank image harvest. To quote the song "there was long one's, tall ones, short ones, brown ones, black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones..." I had to make a conscious effort not to stare to throw off a creep vibe.
 
Fortunately I had the good sense (and Reboot Nation) to get me back on track. And after a couple of days of healthy living, I feel like a new man.

Still, it's amazing how that Bastard Porn Brain works, sometimes!

PM
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: now-man on December 11, 2015, 03:15:48 PM
Hi Punk Monk, really got a lot from reading your thread, thanks for posting.

You said: And since we'd been having good sex regularly, this drought led to a a couple of night of M and O, though no P (although the Mental Spank Bank is pretty stocked with high quality images).

Again, is this "normal masturbation"? And that something guys like us can enjoy. (I asked that in my last post and WOULD REALLY like some feedback, if y'all wouldn't mind).


I'm fairly new at this, and I haven't had any M or O at all since I started. So I'm not exactly in the same place you are. But just reading your post it looks to me like you may have answered your own question. You said: The one thing I noticed during those few days is that the "Porn Goggles" started coming back. That's one indication that using the "Mental Spank Bank" to M and O isn't in the "normal, healthy masturbation" domain for you.

I really relate to what you've shared about looking at images to get a little hit. I realized after my first couple weeks of no PMO that I was using porn-subs, so I stopped. I removed grindr and scruff apps and a hookup email account from my phone, and then reset my 'looking at porn-subs' counter again when I later looked at a mainstream magazine with swimsuit and underwear ads - I could feel the urge driving me to look. It's like the material gets less explicit, but the craving brain tries to get more subtle about getting a hit.

Someone else (I think Leon) mentioned a 2 second rule, which I think means: if I notice my mind moving towards an arousing image, look away before 2 seconds have passed. Seems like a way to bring to my awareness how often and how much my brain is trying to get a little hit.

I'm still waiting to find out where this is all leading - hoping for a return of normal functioning. But I think you said it well in a previous post, that for people like us who have masturbation very tied in to porn use, there could be waiting period before normal, healthy masturbation is easy.

Wish you well, and grateful for your sharing.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 12, 2015, 06:00:33 PM
Now-Man,

Thanks for the insightful reply.

And I can relate to your post as well. During the early stage of recovery, I'd actually find myself leafing through my wife's "Vogue" or "In Style" magazine for a visual "hit" of stimulation...much like an alcoholic looking for vanilla extract or mouthwash.

So yeah...the "two second rule" is probably a good one.

Although, my goal is disconnect the imagery from the impulses. I don't want to get to a point where I can't see a bra commercial or a famous supermodel on TV without instantly wanting to masturbate.  One of goal is to be able to see a beautiful, sexy woman and just be able to appreciate her for just that.

Don't think I shared this, but I had an epiphany about addiction a while back:

An addict isn't addicted to The Thing. An addicted is addicted to the Feeling which The Thing gives.  The Thing is just the mechanism.

So when my wife was drinking, she was really addicted to the numb feeling the booze gave her. The booze was just the way for her to get it.

Likewise, we are really addicted to that Serotonin rush. The PMO is just the way we get there. So, if I can reduce the need for that rush AND disassociate The Thing from The Feeling, seeing the "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit" issue sitting on a newsstand  shouldn't throw me into a tizzy.

I've found I can replace The Thing with more healthy, creative pursuits that bring me joy (playing guitar, writing, martial arts, etc). So if I'm achieving fulfillment through those activities, the desire to seek it elsewhere fades.

That's the theory, anyway. Let's see if it works.

Stay tuned...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on December 12, 2015, 06:25:52 PM
So yeah...the "two second rule" is probably a good one.

Although, my goal is disconnect the imagery from the impulses. I don't want to get to a point where I can't see a bra commercial or a famous supermodel on TV without instantly wanting to masturbate.  One of goal is to be able to see a beautiful, sexy woman and just be able to appreciate her for just that.

Punk Monk,

I was just thinking along the same lines today, and in reference to the two second rule:

I always had wondered what was the elusive and blurry line between appreciating a woman for her beauty and actual lust, which leads to masturbation and/or pornography. I knew that there was a place where I could appreciate their beauty, and not be lustful, or voyeuristic, but when I'd start thinking along those lines, I'd eventually fall into lust without realizing it- or sometimes realizing it.

The two second rule is different then say, 'white-knuckling it', trying not to lust after everything that moves, afraid to even see a woman, without falling into that obsessive mindset. The two second rule says, "Okay, you can see a beautiful woman, and appreciate her beauty- but only for two seconds"- now, that isn't a long time, but it's long enough to appreciate her beauty, while at the same time disrupting what may be a natural biological stimulus to our reproductive system, where our brains starts seeing her as a potential mating partner. I've found that even in the two second time period, my mind can remember the image, but it's not so burned into my brain. Instead, I get a better sense of self control in public, and it spills over into my private life. In this way, I can appreciate beauty without taking it as a dopamine hit, or something to further unhealthy behaviors later on.

Hope this helps. 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: now-man on December 13, 2015, 03:19:36 AM
Thanks Leon for that description - it matches what I've been experiencing. I've been practicing 2 seconds when I notice someone arousing or attractive, or a photo. What I like is: I don't have to force myself not to look, I can register what I see, and then I look away and move on feeling pretty balanced instead of gazing and feeling obsessive about it. It's  a healthy option.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on December 13, 2015, 04:16:23 AM
"I've found I can replace The Thing with more healthy, creative pursuits that bring me joy (playing guitar, writing, martial arts, etc). So if I'm achieving fulfillment through those activities, the desire to seek it elsewhere fades." Great insight brother. You're well on your way to 30 days and beyond. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on December 13, 2015, 12:58:44 PM
Thanks Leon for that description - it matches what I've been experiencing. I've been practicing 2 seconds when I notice someone arousing or attractive, or a photo. What I like is: I don't have to force myself not to look, I can register what I see, and then I look away and move on feeling pretty balanced instead of gazing and feeling obsessive about it. It's  a healthy option.

Exactly! It really allows for the natural (attraction) without falling into an obsessive mindset. The obsessive mindset can happen both ways, either by denying our natural attractions all together (trying not to look), or by looking too long (glaring, leering, lusting).

The two second rule is a nice way of bypassing that.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 13, 2015, 06:16:25 PM
Lyon, as always, thanks for the encouragement!

Leon, thank you for the eloquence and insight. We should strive for that middle ground where we can acknowledge and appreciate without obsessing and the two-second rule is a great exercise in helping us get there.

I had a slight breakthrough this afternoon. I was cruising by the magazine aisle at the grocery store and picked up the new Maxim magazine (it has a new owner and I was curious to see what changes he'd made). Flipping through, I came across an ad featuring an attractive woman posing in front of a sports car. My first thought was "My wife would look great in that outfit".

My second (and more pronounced) thought was "Holy shit, is that the new Lamborghini Countach?!?!?!"

Is "car lust" a bad thing?   ;D
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 28, 2015, 12:38:34 AM
Man! It's been a tough Christmas.

My mother-in-law is visiting from out of town all week (which in and of itself isn't a bad thing...she's awesome).  But my wife, being the old fashioned girl she is, has enacted a "No hanky panky" policy while her mom's here.

And sadly, this forced me to hole up one night when they were both asleep and go solo (though without porn or any outside visual stimuli). All I thought of was my my hot little yet insanely frustrating wife.

Then about four days later, I had an incredibly erotic dream about her...which was a great outlet. But it left me so horny the following day, I literally thought I was going to explode!

At least my lust seems focused in the right direction.

But alas, alack and a chicken a-la king...my mother-in-law doesn't head home until Tuesday!

It's going to be a long two days...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on December 28, 2015, 10:49:16 AM
You're doing great, Punk Monk! Use that Tuesday as a reward day, for holding out. Make it really special between you and her. In the meanwhile, just ride out the urges when they come- as they're like waves of the ocean. They rise and then subside, and if you don't respond to them, you're the better man for it.

Be well.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 31, 2015, 04:41:09 PM
Thanks for the kind words, Leon. But I think I screwed myself (both literally and figuratively).

I couldn't help it. I just had to fly solo and "take care of myself" Sunday night...all the while thinking about my lovely bride. But it just wasn't really enjoyable (which is actually not a bad thing).

And even though we were finally able to get the Mother-in-Law home safely Tuesday, the Missus and I weren't able to get it on until today (work and schedules and such).

While I could get it up, I didn't last as long as I normally do. And subsequently, was not able to come.

To top it off, she's just got a visit from her monthly friend. Although she's game for another try tonight (ring in the New Year!), I know the store will be closing shortly.

I wonder if that had something to do with it. Maybe I felt the pressure to blow my load ("It has to be now or you won't get another chance until next week!").

Or maybe it's been spending too much time in my head.

One thing's for sure, the REAL thing is way better than the virtual stuff. As long as I can keep that in my mind and heart, healthy sex should be on its way...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 08, 2016, 02:36:29 PM
My wife reached seven months of sobriety. Inspired by her discipline, I decided to enact my own "Hands Off Myself" policy.

While I've been able to resist porn or actively searching for stimulating imagery, I've still been "going solo" when The Missus and I couldn't have sex (due to relative and/or "Monthly Friend" visits).

And as much as I hate to admit it, The "Spank Bank" memory Rol-a-Dex almost has the same effect as porn.  It creates a fantasy scenario that can never actually be achieved. And regardless of where the imagery comes from, it still results in a dissociative relationship with reality.

So during my period of "Sobriety", I played close attention to what was going on in my head.

The first day or two, there was an inexplicable irritation. I chalk this up to being a mild form of withdrawal.

The next couple of days, I noticed an increase in the lust levels. And I found myself looking at members of the Fairer Sex with just enough lasciviousness to be off-putting, but not flat out creepy.  During this phase, temptations were high. But inspired by my wife, I stuck to my guns (by not touching my pistol :) ).

And then...it stopped.  No cravings. No lust. No irritation. Just...balance.  In fact, I was worried something was wrong. So much time had been spent thinking about/worrying about/obsessing about sex that I wondered if my Libido packed up its things and moved to Sweden.  But one kiss from the Missus got the Little Monk up and about. And I thought..."So this is how it's suppossed to work! Feels good!"

I guess the point is that if you can make it past that first phase - whether it's a day, a week or a month - it's pretty much all down hill from there.

But in the meantime, if I may paraphrases The Georgia Satellites: "Don't you hand yourself lies and keep yo' hands to yo' self!"
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 10, 2016, 05:52:56 PM
The lingering effects of porn/PIED are still with me.

After an eight day hiatus, the Missus and I finally got our groove on. And it was wonderful! For about two minutes. Then I instantly went into my head and went soft. The weird thing is that there was absolutely no reason to! She was as gorgeous and sexy as ever! But it was just...reflex. I'm just used to doing that to get myself off.

Plus, I think I was worried about ejactulating. So I put pressure on myself. Fortunately, we worked through it and the Little Monk was able to stand on his own and do his thing a little later. I'm very lucky to have such a patient wife

I wish there was some magic I could do to stop me from using the mental Rol-a-Dex. But the only solution is..."Don't".

Don't worry about getting off. Don't think about anything else.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to work on being more in the present. Pretty sure that'll help with this problem. After all, why think about a porn scenario when I can star in my own?

So...this year, my motto will be "Just screw it and do it!"
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 16, 2016, 05:21:51 PM
Didn't listen to my own advice from the last post.

It was still a bit touch and go with the missus this afternoon.  Managed to make it happen, but I spent WAY too much time in my head than on her body.

I know that I'm:


The one thing I'm not doing is just laying back and enjoying myself.  That'll bring relaxation. Which in turn, will bring good results.

My wife lectured me on going into my head ("Don't do that"). And she prescribed the best solution. We'll just have to have more sex.

My kind of doctor!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on January 17, 2016, 09:38:58 AM
Didn't listen to my own advice from the last post.

It was still a bit touch and go with the missus this afternoon.  Managed to make it happen, but I spent WAY too much time in my head than on her body.

I know that I'm:

  • Putting too much pressure on myself to finish.
    Instantly going to the my comfort zone (i.e. the Mental Rol-A-Dex) to help. Spoiler alert: it doesn't help.
    Not staying in the present.
    Holding off so she finishes before me.

The one thing I'm not doing is just laying back and enjoying myself.  That'll bring relaxation. Which in turn, will bring good results.

My wife lectured me on going into my head ("Don't do that"). And she prescribed the best solution. We'll just have to have more sex.

My kind of doctor!

Good doctor!

My bad habits before affected me somewhat during sex, like, I'd prematurely ejaculate sometimes, or struggled to have good control. But, it was actually this place that gave me a fear of E.D. a while back, and as a result had performance issues.

For me, getting out of my head was also very important- not so much because I was thinking of other women, but because I had to get away from thinking about my own performance. I started to refuse any thought about what if I go soft, etc..., I would just strongly affirm to myself that I would stay strong, and finish strong.

Most times I focus on my wife finishing first. I've been mostly in the moment also, more and more. One thing I'll do, to be honest, Punk Monk, is- if I'm concerned about going soft, I'll quickly conjure up an image- and it helps me, but my over all intent is to make sure she (my wife) is pleased. Because if lil' Jimmy (not his actual name, lol...) goes soft, then aint no one getting pleased... It's important enough for me to do that sometimes, or there's other scenes I sometimes visualize (from nature) that help (oddly enough) her to orgasm. This may sound strange, but imagining lightning striking a rock seems to do it for her, lol... but she's unaware that I'm focusing on that in the moment, though I've told her before.

Bottom line, and I think you'd agree, sex is very spiritual- and so, we may use our minds during the act- and I think it's good to move away from the rolladex, and experiment with different scenarios.

Be well.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 17, 2016, 10:53:02 PM
For me, getting out of my head was also very important- not so much because I was thinking of other women, but because I had to get away from thinking about my own performance. I started to refuse any thought about what if I go soft, etc..., I would just strongly affirm to myself that I would stay strong, and finish strong.

Thanks, Leon! I really like that last part. Think I'll give that a shot.

Quote
Most times I focus on my wife finishing first.


I have tried that. But my wife also has trouble finishing (we chalk it up to some of the meds she's on). So on the plus side, she's very sympathetic to Our Cause. She also encourages me to finish (because I think the sneaky little minx is trying to get preggers...which is also putting a little pressure on me).

Quote
Bottom line, and I think you'd agree, sex is very spiritual- and so, we may use our minds during the act- and I think it's good to move away from the rolladex, and experiment with different scenarios.

Indeed! Thanks for the advice, ideas and the pep talk.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on January 17, 2016, 11:23:37 PM
You're welcome, P.M., grateful if I can be of service.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 24, 2016, 04:22:31 PM
My wife surprised me this afternoon by wandering into the living room with nothing on but panties.

Thankfully, the guests had just left.

Nah. I'm kidding.

They were still there.   ;D

Okay...none of that happened expect the missus's surprise. I was still a bit bugged with performance anxiety, but I put some of Leon's advice into a mantra; "I'll start strong, stay strong and finish strong (and doggone it...people like me!)"

I must say...it helped tremendously! However, when I felt some of the signs of a softening, I did duck into my head for a second (I even tried the lightening striking a rock visual...didn't quite do it for me). This time, it wasn't a fantasy, so much as  memory of something the missus did a few minutes earlier that I found really sexy. After that, I could stay in the moment and finish strong.

The goal, of course, is to completely refrain from calling up any imagery for help. So right now...I still need the life jacket. But at least I didn't need it for long.

I'd call that progress.

Monk.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on January 24, 2016, 05:19:15 PM
Yes! Definitely progress.

(...and doggone it...people like me!) LOL!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 27, 2016, 11:46:57 AM
Whelp, major relapse yesterday.

The missus has closed the store due to a visitation from Aunt Flo who comes every month (you get the picture).

But I was horny. And she was asleep. So I turned to the internet for comfort.

Again...you get the picture.

I went back and looked up some softcore pictures of my old "digital playmates" and went to town.

Funny thing is...I didn't really enjoy it. And about half way through, the fantasies turned from the celebs to my wife.

Clearly my psyche recognizes that the real thing is much more fun.

So, I've reset the counter to 90 days. Three months from now will also mark one year that my wife's been sober. And if she can do it...so can I!

Bombs away!

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on January 30, 2016, 04:23:49 AM
Thanks for sharing PM. I liked this post because you didn't get down on yourself for relapsing. You're rightly using it as a learning experience for long-term recovery. Bravo my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 02, 2016, 10:42:43 PM
Lyon, as always...thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.

Everything we go through here should be treated as a learning experience. Relapses sometimes happen. The important thing is what we take away from it and use to make our resolve even stronger.

For me, this episode reinforced what an illusion the compulsion to jack it can be. Sure, it "seemed like a fun idea at the time". But it really wasn't. Not at all. And definitely not when compared to the real thing.

Quite literally about midway through I was thinking "Why am I doing this when there's a real live woman in the other room?" (and I know how fortunate I am to have this...believe me).

The other thing I noticed is that shortly after, I experience very real symptoms of withdrawal. I'm moody, short tempered and easily irritated.  On more than few occasions I found myself being short with people...especially the missus.  Thankfully, I'm able to catch myself and recognize it for what it is before it gets out of hand. It usually settles down after a few days.

For a little while, it feels like my wife's "Monthly Visitor" is doing double duty!

Live and learn, folks.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 03, 2016, 04:05:02 PM
The wife and I got into a little tiff this morning.  She called me out for being moody and snapping at her a bit too much.

This is the mental aspect of Porn Addiction. Engaging a little introspection into the reason, I find it's not just the withdrawal.  There's a part of my brain that's actually angry at her for not being the airbrushed, picture perfect image of the supermodels I used to jack it too.

Or perhaps "it" (that insidious id part of the brain) is looking for justification. It's finding just enough fault to validate the feeling of dissatisfaction so I'll engage in bad  behavior.

What's fascinating is witnessing The Mind at war with itself.  The Porn Brain definitely wants its dopamine rush.

The comment from my wife this morning, though, was an eye opener and a mood shifter. Immediately after getting to the heart of the matter, all desire to look for porn imagery vanished.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 04, 2016, 05:05:01 PM
Another incident in the series of reminders that porn is NOT the way.

My wife and I were both working from home today, each trying to juggle our calls, tasks and mini-crises. But a little after lunch time, she asked if I wanted to get it on.

Alas, while The Little Monk was able to salute, he was not able to finish. And he lost his enthusiasm soon after. 

Now, there could be many factors that contributed to this. One could have been the time pressure. I had a conference call in 40 minutes and, much as I hate to admit it, I was watching the clock more than my lovely lady.

Another could have been the suddenness of the opportunity. The Missus's monthly friend has had an abnormally long visit this time (this could possibly portend some good news, though. So fingers crossed), so we hadn't gotten it on in close to two weeks. And while, I stayed true to my commitment to avoid outside stimuli, I did engage in some self help (with thoughts only of my dear sweet wife).

The point is, I'm tired of being The Goldilocks of Sex...where everything has to be juuuuuuust right to have a good ol' normal time.

It wasn't too long ago that I was already ready for action.  Now, it's come to this.

So, this has doubled my resolve to complete reboot an rewire the brain to its factory reset working condition.

My wife's heading out of town tomorrow to visit her family for a few days. Think I'll do a little spiritual tune up while she's gone...

Monk. 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 14, 2016, 05:44:18 PM
Welp, I was hoping to give The Missus a nice Valentine's Day gift of a normal, hassle-free romp in the metaphorical hay.

Alas, that was not to be.

My current problem with PIED is Porn Induced EJACULATION Dysfunction. I can't blow my load without some kind of imagery.

And the relapse I had 18 days ago undid some of my progress.

While I was able to get up! Stand up! (Marley!), The Little Monk had a little trouble going the distance. In fact, I noticed when I instinctively went into my mental image bank to get off, I actually got soft.

Usually when this happens, my wife furiously works The Little Monk like a bicycle pump to get the blood flowing again. This time, I didn't let her.  Instead, I took control, explored her gorgeous body and let nature do it's thing.

And it did! The Little Monk was up and at attention in no time.

But...I just couldn't finish.

Right now, I think my brain's in that awkward mid-rewire phase where the old methods don't work any more but the new "correct" method hasn't yet taken hold. So as a result...NOTHING gets me off. 

I also made it a point NOT to beat myself up over it.

It's very easy to feel disheartened and, more importantly, less of a man when we can't perform to "normal" specs. I came up with a little mental checklist that helps get me through that I figured I'd share.


Stay strong, brothers!

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: bob on February 14, 2016, 06:16:49 PM
Great post Punk Monk,

While not everything is perfect, it sounds like you are in a good state of mind and that you are moving forward. More power to you!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 16, 2016, 10:34:06 PM
Thanks, Bob.

Appreciate the kind words.  Yup...it's all about those little victories.

Keeping positive is just once such victory.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 21, 2016, 10:39:10 PM
This was a great day!

The Missus and I had amazing sex and my body reacted exactly as it should have. No PIED! No DE! Just a whole ton of fun!

Not beating myself up over the situation helped a lot. This WILL pass. I have tools, the will and all of you wonderful guys to help get me through.

In the past I'd been apprehensive about getting it on with her, mostly because I felt bad for HER. I didn't want to put her through all the nonsense of watching me fumble my way through things and trying to comfort me if things didn't work out.  So I decided not to. I decided to focus on the fun. Regardless of whether I blow or not, we can still enjoy ourselves and each other.

Embracing that playful spirit, I propositioned her by standing in the doorway stripped to the waist with a rose between my teeth. "Guess what I want?" I said.

"A florist and a shirt?"

And it was on!

It was awesome! And everything worked just the way it was supposed to.

I noticed that I instinctively went into my head for some imagery and immediately started to get soft when I did. But shifting the focus back to the present and the beautiful woman with me headed off a potential disaster. It still took me a little long to climax.

I had to use my imagination a little. While the imagery seemed no longer necessary, I felt the need to imagine her saying certain things. So I asked her to say them in real life. And boy did she!

Both of us are pretty much floating around the house today. It was a nice change of pace.

Not cured yet...but definitely heading in the right direction.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on February 22, 2016, 05:37:42 PM
Good job, P.M., way to go, reconnecting or rewiring (though that term doesn't sound so romantic!).

That's an inspiring story.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 24, 2016, 04:07:51 PM
I'm about a third of the way to my target through my Second Reboot. Things are going well, and I feel great! And I complied a list in my head of observations that hit me throughout this process.

Figured I'd share.

1) The first week is the hardest
For the first four to seven days, I felt very strong symptoms of withdrawal. Irrational anger, moodiness, depression...all that good stuff. And anything from boredom to stress instantly triggered the desire to seek out porn. By some miracle, I was able to resist. But once I got over that first big hump, things got easier.

2)Women become people again
In the grip of the addiction, I saw all women as potential spank bank material. I remember one time actually following an attractive woman in a store just to get a better look at her! (save the image for later!) I had a tendency to see women in real life in terms of hot celebs or porn stars they superficially resembled and transfer my lust on them. My brain would say "God, X is sooo hot because she sort of looks like Y!".

After finally getting clean, the distorted thinking dissipated. I could appreciate a pretty woman without the creepy ulterior motives (Leon's "Two Second Rule" helped).  I also came to realize that my real life Lust Objects looked NOTHING like the celebrities I compared them to. In fact, when I look them now, I don't even see the resemblance anymore.

3)The mind frees up for better things
Without the constant focus on obtaining the next dopamine rush, I noticed a burst of creativity! I literally woke up one morning with a rush of new ideas in my head. (Some background, in my spare time I write short stories for publication...so the return of creativity is washing away about a month's worth of severe writer's block). I'm also finding my clarity, focus, memory and wit have gotten sharper.

4)Empathy returns
More things give me a case of "the feels" these days. And that's okay! This morning I caught my wife going through her morning prayer and it damn near moved me to tears. It was such a tender, spiritual and beautiful moment. And in the moment, I felt all the pain and hardship she'd gone through as she struggled with HER addiction and all the joy and triumph of her sobriety (nine months and counting)

However...I will still never willingly watch a Nicholas Sparks movie!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 28, 2016, 08:24:58 PM
A nice tryst with the Missus today!

Looks like the PIED (both kinds) has all but disappeared Which means now's the time to be extra vigilant since this is when a relapse has a high chance of occurring.

It's easy to get cocky or too confident and think "Everything's going great! What's one little peek at porn or suggestive material?"

Just need to keep telling myself that the real thing is better and keep holding off for that.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 19, 2016, 01:01:53 PM
Been an interesting few weeks.

The Missus and I haven't gotten it on in about three weeks. First, she closed the store (due to the "Monthly visit of Aunt Flo"), then she was travelling. And then she picked up some bug while she was on her trip and was in pretty bad shape.

In that time, I MOed twice.  The first time, I had the biggest case of blue balls ever and just wanted to relieve the pressure. So I just did a grab and go.

Here's what was interesting; I required no mental or visual imagery. At all! Some thoughts (mostly memories of the real deal) came into my head, but I let them go and paid attention to my body. But this was probably the first time I 've engaged in what I would call normal masturbation in decades.  It felt great...not as good as the real thing...but a distant third.

The second time,  I saw a commercial with a woman built like my wife wearing a sexy dress. I imagined a scenario with my missus in that dress and fapped to that.

That undid a lot of progress. Shortly after,  I felt that "withdrawal grumpiness". I started looking at women in real life as potential spank bank material and was extremely compelled to seek out erotic imagery on the internet. Somehow, through extreme willpower, a ton of exercise and a lot of cold showers I was able to resist.

It was a tough week or so. But then, just like that...the urges went away.

Sex, jacking it and beautiful women don't occupy the majority of my thoughts anymore. The greatness is that I respond normally to sexual stimuli. There's a little stirring in the Little Monk...and then the mind moves on.

And I'm sure if my wife walked in in nothing but her underoos, the Little Monk would know exactly what to do (and do it well). Unfortunately, my lovely lady is still under the weather. So it may be another celibate week at the Monk Household.

But that's fine. More time to get ready!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on March 19, 2016, 08:46:13 PM
Good job resisting, Punk Monk.

Your experience emphasizes how our habits, what they used to be, are changed in dramatic and fundamental ways. What would have been an easy pathway back to the crap, you found that the urges that were there for a moment, just as quickly went away. Once you reminded your body who's in control, albeit through exerting massive will power, your brain fell back in line with your new norm.

Keep on keep'in on, P.M., soon enough you'll be back at it with the Mrs.   
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 19, 2016, 11:33:45 PM
Thanks for the encouragement, Leon.

I think my biggest revelation in all this is that the hardest part is getting passed those "initial urges".

Once we get through those first few days of "cold turkey", the body falls in line with, as you put it, the new norm.

Gotta say, though. I learned that from my wife when she quit drinking. Her first month of sobriety was harrowing. Now she can stand in a roomful of people and contently sip her tonic water while everyone around her gets plastered.

That's the level of zen that I hope to be...that I hope all of us will be...someday.

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on March 20, 2016, 10:09:26 AM
Thanks for the encouragement, Leon.

I think my biggest revelation in all this is that the hardest part is getting passed those "initial urges".

Once we get through those first few days of "cold turkey", the body falls in line with, as you put it, the new norm.

Gotta say, though. I learned that from my wife when she quit drinking. Her first month of sobriety was harrowing. Now she can stand in a roomful of people and contently sip her tonic water while everyone around her gets plastered.

That's the level of zen that I hope to be...that I hope all of us will be...someday.

Yes. Before, our will was so used to caving in, that we just toppled over at the slightest urge/trigger. There's also established habits that were then in place. Once we consistently say, NO, we establish a new pattern. We all know that will power is important, but is itself limited. That's why we use our will power to establish new responses to old stimuli. Once these newer responses (or non-responses as it were) are in place, then when will power wanes, we've already diminished or done away with the former responses.

How you describe your wife's ability to socialize with a tonic water whilst others get plastered is how it became with me concerning marijuana. It used to be in my younger years that, even if I was trying to quit, when I'd find myself in a social situation when someone would light up, I'd cave in. After awhile, though, I had sufficiently been away from my former responses, to where I could socialize with the same situation, but I'd have no desire to 'toke up'.

Porn is a little different, because we're sexual beings, and we have to respect the awesome power that sex is to us. While we'll so affect our habits that former stimuli won't affect us in the same way, it will never be that we'll develop some casual relationship with it- as you know.

On one hand, we're not giving porn more power than it deserves, thus only strengthening a potential obsession with it through avoidance; on the other hand, we respect the awesome power of sex as a 'raw energy' that's best used in our intimate relations with our wife, and channeled toward creative efforts at building the life that we truly want.

I hope this makes sense, but it means the difference between disempowered enslavement and being someone who's in control of themselves.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 20, 2016, 11:05:25 PM

I hope this makes sense, but it means the difference between disempowered enslavement and being someone who's in control of themselves.

It makes perfect sense. And it's a very important distinction. Thanks for that, Leon.

P.M.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 20, 2016, 11:37:22 PM
This is slightly off topic, but it does tie in to the Reboot Process. And I'm going to chalk this up to a victory on the path to higher evolution.

My wife is coughing, congested and achy. We're not sure if it's an allergy or the onset of something else. So I was completely caught off guard when, after asking her how she was feeling, she replied with "I'm okay, I guess. But you probably want to do it, so let's go."

Now I'll never turn down a willing wife (if I can help it), so I followed her into the bedroom. I had no problem with the Little Monk, but something seemed...off.

It was clear that The Missus really wasn't into it. She felt crappy, but was going through with it for me. I almost finished early (which itself is a minor victory), but held back in the hopes of getting her more aroused. However it was obvious she wasn't really enjoying it. And that caused me to start to go soft.

I considered calling up mental imagery to prolong things...but didn't. I was struck by a profound sense of connection and emotion. Sex is supposed to make us feel good. And my partner wasn't feeling good. So, I stopped without finishing.

She didn't seem to mind. And I slowly realized that I'm moving passed the Objectification of Women phase into the realm of a real connection.

Interestingly enough, I had a raging hardon about 20 minutes later. But clearly, it wouldn't have been a good time.

In either sense of the phrase.

Ah well...there's always next time.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: bob on March 23, 2016, 10:56:20 PM
I'm moving passed the Objectification of Women phase into the realm of a real connection.

A worthy goal to be sure.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 18, 2016, 10:06:57 AM
I reset my counter this morning.

Truth is, I wasn't really being honest with myself and there have been a handful of times I've intentionally searched for provocative imagery. They weren't porn or even soft-core porn sites. But I knew why I was going to them, even if I rationalized different.

It's like an alcoholic having a bite of liqueur filled chocolate or "tasting" a teaspoon of the cooking sherry.  It isn't necessarily a major event or earth-shattering relapse. But it's a gateway to bad behavior.

Same here. And I'm noticing some bad behavior starting to return because of it.

So, I've set things back to zero and reduced the time line to thirty days. Maybe dealing with it in a series of small bite-sized chunks is easier than one huge gulp.

It's not all bad. Some real progress has been made. But I need to be disciplined, honest and committed as I head into the home stretch.

So I'm pledging, in front of all of you, to be honest with myself. And if those urges return, I'm coming straight here and hanging out until they go way.

Peace in Rebooting,

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on April 18, 2016, 09:54:06 PM
Hey, Punkmonk.  You and I reset our counters on the same day, so perhaps we can climb out of the ditch together and help each other, one day at a time.

I'm trying to be scrupulously honest here -- which isn't always easy -- so hence the reset.

Trigger for my relapse was spring in New York City, the associated seasonal garb of the ladies all around me, and the temporary unavailability of my wife.  With all that stimuli I was thinking, what the hell, I've got an urge, what's the harm.  Forgetting of course the depths I'd already climbed out of. 

Like you I feel like I've progressed, so it's not like I'm back to the beginning.  But clearly I have a ways to go. 

I don't know if you've seen the posts by a member called Strength, but they're very much on point.  I'm going to be checking in with him daily and writing here.  I've got a long reboot planned, but really taking it day by day, trying to stay on the path of the Middle Way and maintaining mindful awareness of the thoughts that would take me down the wrong path. 

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 19, 2016, 04:11:05 PM
Andy,

Must be a Jersey thing (Mercer County in the house!) ;).

I appreciate the wisdom and support. And I'm down with that idea. I'll watch you...you watch me...and together, we'll get out of this pit.

Day by day
The Middle Way
And on the reboot path we'll stay!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on April 19, 2016, 10:43:41 PM
Hey, P Monk.  Hope you made the most of today and took another step forward.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 20, 2016, 04:10:23 PM
So, Day Two after reset.

The lingering effects of the withdrawal (crankiness, agitation, etc...) are fading faster than normal.

While flipping channels last night, I ran across a music video of some sexy blonde shakin' what the Good Lord was makin' for her. I paused for a second (or two) to examine my thoughts.

I acknowledged that she was attractive and that certain thoughts of desire arose. Then I flipped the channel, watched something else and that was that.

Felt that was a pretty healthy male reaction.

Thoughts will come and go. That's human. Holding on to them, however...that's dangerous.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 21, 2016, 01:47:02 PM
Well, the Missus got a visit from her monthly friend last night (she's late...but that's another matter).  And that means, to quote Chris Rock, "No sex in the Champagne Room" for the next few days.

So this will be a true testament to discipline.

Oddly enough, I have no urges to do any surfing at this moment. Truth told, though, I've distracted myself with plenty of other hobbies, worries and assorted musings.

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 08, 2016, 01:56:22 PM
Haven't posted in awhile, so I figured I'd do a quick update.

All is well, so far.  I actually feel like a normal human being for a change. There are no overpowering impulses, no exaggerated designs on the female form and no unusual reactions to everyday stimuli.

Dealing with The New Quiet (as I like to call it) has been interesting. I've been so used to thinking about sex and arousal that when the tidal wave of feelings subsided, I started to wonder if something was wrong.

But a quick roll in the hay with The Missus (okay...mattress. There is no hay in the Monk household) validated that all systems were go.

Still having trouble finishing without a little fantasy (always about my wife, though). But as those thoughts would arise, I'd pause, take a moment to enjoy and experience my situation and the beautiful woman I'm with, and continue on. In the end, I had to resort to a little mental trickery to finish. But I'm slowly getting less reliant on that.

Hey, baby steps right?

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on May 08, 2016, 09:44:34 PM
Still having trouble finishing without a little fantasy (always about my wife, though). But as those thoughts would arise, I'd pause, take a moment to enjoy and experience my situation and the beautiful woman I'm with, and continue on. In the end, I had to resort to a little mental trickery to finish. But I'm slowly getting less reliant on that.

Hey, baby steps right?

P. Monk

Hey, P.M., In my nonprofessional and uneducated opinion, the fantasy (or really, imagination) of your wife while you're with your wife is 'no harm no foul'. Sometimes I imagine a river to help me pee (at my young age), so....

The fact is, you're melding the physical/actual touch and presence of your wife with mental images of her, you're simply loving her on a psychic imaginal level, as well as physical. It's not necessarily that you're servicing your former neural pathways, because those were all on unreal, or pixelized women.

So, no hay- and no b.s. in the Monk household.  ;)
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 16, 2016, 04:01:39 PM
Thank Leon,

I appreciate the insight. And that makes sense.

On another (albeit, related) topic, I feel myself dangerously heading into Slipsville. I've been travelling all week (for work) and weekend (for a wedding). In addition, The Missus had a visit from her Aunt Flo so the store is closed. But, being around a lot of eye candy (and being deprived of my REAL candy) has made me super horny.

So last night, while my wife was at a concert with some friends, I M'ed my face off.  Although I did NOT use any outside imagery (it all came from the mental Rol-A-Dex...and most of the time it was a Wife Fantasy), I'm feeling the urge to go a-surfin'...which is why I stopped by here.

I think the severe spike in my libido is a culmination of the stress, lack of normal distractions (music, exercise, etc) and lack of regular sex. Hopefully going to my martial arts class tonight will help bleed off some of that excess testosterone.

But in the meantime, I think when my 30 days are up...I'll modify my counter to include "No Masturbating".

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on May 17, 2016, 01:52:24 PM
That sounds like a good plan, P.M., modifying your counter to include masturbation. That for me usually means that porn is not far away, as I see the two behaviors as related.

Good job coming here first. Forgive my late reply, but I hope all is better now? Either way, wait things out until some normalcy returns and you'll be the better for it.

Peace.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 19, 2016, 05:04:23 PM
I hit my 30 day mark for NOT intentionally seeking visual stimuli!

So now that I know I can do it for a month, let's try another month.  And this time...just to make it challenging...I added masturbation to the mix.

That's going to be a tougher one since every time I think about me...I touch myself.

Oh wait...that's Donald Trump.

In all seriousness, this is going to be the toughest one yet. But if I can actually pull it off (or NOT pull it...HA!) it'll go along way to getting those neural pathways rewired.

Here goes nothin'...

P. Monk




 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 29, 2016, 06:00:33 PM
I'm not going to like to you guys (have I ever?). But I was on the verge of slipping today.

The Missus and I hadn't had sex in two weeks, and I wasn't too keen on going a third. But she hadn't been feeling well all week (having picked up the illness that weighleighed me last weekend) so things were looking bleak.

But, she seemed to be feeling a bit better, so I asked if she was down for a romp in the sheets.Much to my surprise...she was!

Anytime my mind tried to get to a visual place, I'd force it back into the present. As I did so, I found my body responding more and more to the physical stimuli. I don't think I even used any mental imagery except for what was right in front of me.

However, I did find myself imagining her saying certain things to get me to The Point of No Return. But suddenly I realized I wasn't imagining them at all! She was actually saying them!

This might have been the first time that I was completely present during sex.

And it felt pretty freaking great!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 05, 2016, 04:39:22 PM
Man! First failure to launch in months!

I could tell the Missus wasn't into it this afternoon. And her not being into it sort of killed the mood for me. Needless to say, the Little Monk did not cooperate.

Not to kiss and tell, but there's only so much I can do when she just flops on the bed and lays there (which is NOT typical for us).

Of course, the fact that she's still getting over a touch of bronchitis didn't help either. Every time she moved, she was coughing.

I also think we're getting into a rut. It seems like every Sunday afternoon we try to get it on. So I'm thinking we need to spice things up a bit.

Just goes to prove, the most important sexual organ is the brain.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: malando on June 05, 2016, 05:05:36 PM
Hey PM, don't feel too bad, maybe she just wasn't feeling well enough to get into it. And of course that affects your desire if she doesn't seem right. You know, I don't think doing a reboot turns anybody into a sexual machine - we can't just spring into action any old time just because we quit P or rebooted. We're still subject to the daily fluctuations and illnesses that everybody else is. So whilst it might be good for you and your wife to spice things up, don't worry about it not working out once in a while. It's normal if both people are not feeling their best.

Regards,
M
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 05, 2016, 08:55:03 PM
Hey Malando,

Thanks for that.

I think that's a common misconception that guys are always ready to perform at the drop of a bra. And there's a tendency to beat ourselves up if we can't meet the hype.  As I go through the reboot, I'm still reacquainting myself with what "normal" sexuality is.

So I really appreciate the reminder that the occasional misfire due to stress, illness or plain old emotions is as normal as it gets!

P. Monk.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 06, 2016, 01:35:38 PM
(Sigh). Reset my counter because while the Missus was asleep, I got it on with her. Only it was all in my head and replace "her" with "my right hand".

I debated whether or not to count it. Since all I really did was imagine what we would have done if we actually did it anyway.

But, part of the process is being honest with ourselves. So, to be honest, I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. Unfortunately, that meant I had to reset the visual stimuli counter, which I've been doing a pretty good job avoiding.

Then I realized I could do a separate counter for each goal!

Hopefully neither gets reset in the next thirty days...

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on June 11, 2016, 06:32:53 AM
Hi, PM.  Been a while since I've checked in and see you've been doing ok -- being honest with yourself. I think you're making great progress -- and I enjoy reading your posts.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 13, 2016, 01:47:02 PM
Well thanks for jinxing me, Andy.   :P  Had to reset my counter last night.

The Missus got her monthly visit which meant No Sex in the Champaign room this weekend. That would make it two straight weeks with no nookie. And while that's not the worst thing in the world, it just bugged me for some reason.

So, I actually had a nice fantasy wank that involved my wife,a bikini and a yacht off the coast of St. Thomas. I also combed through some pictures on the web to find the perfect scenario and outfit for the fantasy.

Though it's not quite the same as a PMO, it is technically "seeking external resources for visual stimulation." Which means back to square one.

You know the funny thing is, I didn't really fight it. I just felt like doing it, so I did. And it wasn't even that fun. Just kind of empty and anti-climatic (pun intended).

And now, I don't really feel like doing it. Not enough to gain and too much to lose.

Hopefully it'll stick this time.

Monk

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on June 14, 2016, 08:55:51 AM
Nice pun!  I've had the same kind of feelings afterward.  Like: that wasn't really worth it.  Not as exciting as the real thing!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 15, 2016, 02:28:28 PM
I've been paying attention to how the relapse affects the brain holistically. Not just in the desire to PMO or MO...but in the way we perceive and process things.

I've mentioned before that my wife is a recovering alcoholic. On Tuesdays, there's an AA meeting held in the building (and at the same time) as an Al-Anon meeting. So we go together. It's sort of our thing and we make a date night out of it.

Yesterday, an attractive woman came into our meeting. And the whole time she was sharing, all I could think about was having sex with her. My imagination ran pretty wild and, to its credit, was pretty vivid! But I thank GOD that no one could have read my mind! Otherwise they would have slapped a big ol' parental advisory sticker on my forehead! 

After the meeting, I found myself feeling this undercurrent of irritation at my wife. There was no reason for it. We both had a pleasant day at work and enjoyed our time together before the meeting.

Then it hit me. I'm mad at her for not looking like the woman in the meeting. This is a particular symptom of withdrawal for me. My wife is absolutely beautiful in her own right. But coming off of a relapse, I find that I resent her for not looking like my current lust object. I think that comes from the brain trying to "trick" the body into using again.

And I've been fighting the temptation to satisfy my cravings to the image of the woman from last night's meeting. The urges got pretty strong, but subsided after a while and I think I'm nearing equilibrium.

Just need to make it past the first few days...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 27, 2016, 12:02:59 PM
Well, the wife was talking about getting a boob job, so I had myself a little fantasy encounter with the potential future.

Had to reset my masturbation counter as result.  :(

On the plus side, we had some bad ass sex yesterday with no issues.

So...yay, progress!


P.S....Anyone know why my counters are greyed out and how to fix it? It's driving me nuts!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on June 27, 2016, 08:28:52 PM
That's great -- sex with your wife and no PIED!  Plus the slip up had to do with your wife, so that's a good sign, too. Redirecting the sexual energy to where it belongs. I'm trying to do the same.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 27, 2016, 09:28:31 PM
Thanks!

I've actually been past the PIED part for some time. My problem now is that I can't get off without imagery...a little imagery playing in my head. That's the biggest impact the Porn Addiction has had on me.

That's why I have a "No MO" Counter. I still associate sex with fantasy. So I'm training myself to enjoy the act without the imagery. It's moving along slowly...but at least it's moving along.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on June 28, 2016, 06:47:54 AM
Hey, P.M., your counters are greyed out because you have personal text in there. If you choose one of the categories the tracker provides, it won't be greyed out anymore.

It wasn't always like that, but they don't seem to know how to fix that.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on June 28, 2016, 08:03:27 PM
I think that part of the addiction -- turning off the images in one's head -- is the hardest to break. Keep at it PM!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 11, 2016, 12:19:19 PM
Crap!

Another reset on the MO Counter.

I just can't seem to keep my hands off of me.

After a week at my mother's, we got home to a visit from Aunt Flo. So, no sex in The Champagne Room again. Then I saw my wife getting dressed this morning and everything just let loose.

So...on the plus side, still no porn (unless a scantily clad wife counts) and no PIED. And I'm averaging about a spank every eight days (as opposed to every day).

Again...baby steps.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 21, 2016, 12:56:32 PM
Haven't posted in a while but things have been going pretty well.

I managed to hit my 30 day mark and avoided intentionally seeking provocative visual material (but God...does the modern world throw it at you!).

I also redid my counter to say "P and P Subs", mostly because I was tired of seeing it all grayed out. I haven't watched porn in over a year, but I guess "P subs" sort of covers that.  Extended the target to 45 days. Should be a problem.

Honestly, my biggest challenge is going to be not MO-ing. I've reset that damn thing twice already! Hopefully, third time's the charm.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 31, 2016, 12:19:39 PM
Just a quick check in.

So far, things are going well.

My sex life with my wife is getting back to normal as we're both getting more relaxed about it. In fact, last week, for the fist time in months, she actually initiated things! And she did it again yesterday!

The only issue is that in an effort to prolong the pleasure (and not be a Minute Man), I intentionally try to hold off release. But in order to finally blow, I have to depend on imagination. However, it's usually an image of The Missus doing or saying something.

I feel it's somewhat PIED related in that it's still an inability to "go with the flow" ("blow with the flow"?) of the purely physical experience.

We also realized that according to the Marital Lunar Calendar, she's about to have a visit from Aunt Flo soon. Which means no sex in the champagne room for a few days. And that means I may have to take care of myself.

But lately, I'm starting to wonder if "No MO" is realistic or even healthy (note: I mean specifically for my case. I'm not suggesting that this is a bad idea for everyone in general). In my porn days, I was jacking it almost every day...sometimes several times a day. Now, if I do, it's every few weeks and usual more of an enhanced memory than a pure fantasy.

One of my Fellow Rebooters was saying that MO CAN be used as a way to keep the sex drive/sex life healthy...like "Spring Training" before the big game.  So I'm still contemplating this concept.

For now, I'll stick to my guns and lay off my pistol (HA!) as long as I can. If I hit the 30 day mark, great! But I won't beat myself up if I don't.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 31, 2016, 01:31:06 PM
This whole issue is hard to say MOnk,  IN the end only you will be able to know.   AS for me, I found that the habit to M was so ingrained that I felt I had to stick with complete NO MO.  As your sex life with your wife is on the upswing you can see for yourself.  You have been on a streak so you have the experiential knowledge that you can get throught a waiting time while you and your wife are not having sex.  YOu can be the judge if that blesses your sexual relationship or not.  Wishing you the very best as you move forward and deepen in your recovery.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on July 31, 2016, 07:25:33 PM
It's great to see this sort of mutual support for very different approaches, and very insightful views.  Thank you.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 01, 2016, 10:45:45 AM
Indeed.

Thanks for sharing, Runto and Andy!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 02, 2016, 11:17:20 PM
I decided to delete my Wanker Counter.

The Missus got her monthly visitation Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, we'd already had a roll in the queen-sized the night before, but I was hoping for a repeat performance. So, I took matters into my own hands.

And you know what? It was fine. Though there was some element of  "fantasy" to it, it was more of a rehearsal. What would I do next time? What would I like the missus to do? What would I like her to wear? What would I love to hear her say. All these things are in the realm of possibility and absolutely within my ability to make manifest.

The next day, there was a brief craving for an endorphin rush. But it settled itself.

And I'm very inspired by some of the dialogue with AndyNJ and RunToSpirit.

I chose not to see myself as an addict. Rather, as a healthy male who enjoys healthy male things. I do not crave them and they hold no power over me.

"...and doggone it, people like me!"  ;)

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on August 03, 2016, 01:13:00 PM
Yay! 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 04, 2016, 10:08:42 PM
Interesting observation; now that I've removed the constraint on MO, I no longer feel the urge to do it.

Okay, that's not exactly true. I still get the urge. But now that I've given myself permission to do it, I no longer feel the immediate need to give into the urge. After all, there's always later. And when later comes, I find I'd much rather be doing something else.

Honestly, the mental shift has been quite liberating. Let's see how it plays into my actual sex life now...

Disclaimer: I AM NOT suggesting that one should give into satisfying the PMO Addiction. I'm slowly realizing that I've never been addicted to MO in and of itself.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on August 05, 2016, 04:37:51 PM
Same here. It's like going back to the state of being a teenager, but with the better option of actual sex waiting in the wings. Porn is what messes up the natural state of healthy, moderate wanking.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 05, 2016, 10:05:59 PM
Yes! Exactly!

To good old health moderate wanking! (lifts beer mug)
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 21, 2016, 10:05:37 PM
Resetting my counter tonight.

Honestly, I've gotten cocky (pun intended).

While I haven't been fapping to porn subs, I've been sort of "stealth looking" and convincing myself it was no big deal. A topless photo here...a sexy picture there. I even flipped through a mature comic book where one of the characters looks like an idealized version of my wife.

But my wife doesn't have flawless skin or a perfectly drawn hourglass shape. And when we'd get intimate, I'd be calling on those images to get me through.

And it's taken its toll.

Last week, I couldn't get off. And today, I couldn't even get it up.

Now that could be due to some other things as well. I'm about to start a new job, so there's that. And my wife's been talking about having kids, so I may be putting pressure on myself to perform.

In any case, I need to rewire my brain and body to respond to stimuli in the real world...not in my head

Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive and understanding. She said something very enlightening today. She said "I always want to do it. I just don't think about it all the time."

That, my friends, is the desired natural state; to be ready and eager when the time comes, but not to have it sitting on the brain at all times.

Strangely, I feel reinvigorated by this experience. My goal is to be able to have an intimate relationship with my beautiful and loving spouse and give her the fully present experience she deserves.

Sure, I'm bummed I couldn't perform today.

But hey, that's only for today.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 03, 2016, 03:49:26 PM
Whelp.

The good news is that the PIED is gone.  I was able to get the party started with the Missus this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble finishing. Keep wanting to go into my head to get some sort of "incentive" (visual or aural) to help me get to The Point of No Return.

Came close (HA!) but just couldn't get there. Which of course made me try harder, which in turn frustrated me  more, which made me try harder...

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

Wish there was some sort of magic bullet to help me get over this hump. But that's the problem with any psychological ailment. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain.

Man, this is annoying...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on September 06, 2016, 04:43:57 PM
I've had the same problem off and on.  It definitely is about re-wiring the brain to be stimulated by something other than P to the point where it leads to O.  It will happen, naturally, as you know.  It's that out of control state where the hips seem to move all by themselves...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 11, 2016, 07:16:02 PM
A side effect of PIED is performance anxiety.

After my last couple of failed attempts, I was a little apprehensive about approaching The Missus for some weekend lovin'. Actually had some honest to God butterflies in my stomach - like a young boy during his first time.

But nothing can stop the truly horny!

Fortunately, there was no failure to launch and the Little Monk was able to rise to the occasion. There was, however, a failure to land as I wasn't able to finish.

But I don't really count this as a "failure" because for the first time in a long time, I was able to be present and engaged with my wife without going into my head. I was tempted, because she likes it when I finish. But at the same, I need to allow my brain to rewire correctly free from shortcuts and "cheats".

It was still fun. And an interesting side effect is that I feel a profound connection with and love for my wife right now. Because it was HER I was with, not some fake fantasy in my head.

I also think I'm experiencing a bit of a flat line. The arousal, while it is there, isn't quite as strong or present as it had been. So I'll take this as an indication that the rewiring process is working and will keep on keepin' on.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 18, 2016, 10:59:58 PM
Success!

The Missus came into the living room this afternoon with nothing on but the TV. Didn't need to be a genius to know what THAT meant.

Everything started off pretty good at first. And the Little Monk rose to the occasion! But I experienced a little bout of performance anxiety. Fortunately, it was nothing a little foreplay couldn't fix and I was back in the saddle in no time!

And I was actually able to climax in a normal amount of time.

Getting to The Point of No Return happened pretty naturally, though I still needed a brief mental boost to get me over the line and imagined my wife talking dirty to me.

I hesitate to ask her to do that in real life because she does so much already. Doesn't seem fair to ask her to change things because of my problem. Perhaps I'll bring it up in the future as my confidence grows.

But for now...I'll take the victories as they come! (Pun intended)

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on September 20, 2016, 06:29:20 PM
Glad to hear the good news on your progress. You won't be surprised to hear I had a similar experience this morning!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 20, 2016, 09:42:20 PM
Glad to hear it!

Although now I'm convinced one of us is Tyler Durden...

But, hey! As long as we keep riding that similarity wave towards progress, it's all good!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on October 09, 2016, 10:59:16 PM
Today I really just want to punch myself in the dick.

The Little Monk was not behaving when The Missus and I started to get busy. To be fair, I was able to get it up. But after a few minutes of being inside, The Little Monk went soft.

My guess is that this is performance anxiety of some kind. I'm able to get "spontaneous erections", so there's nothing physically wrong and I've probably completed my Reboot Cycle. But not being able to play during game day is becoming very frustrating.

On the plus side, I had a very open and frank discussion with my wife about it. My biggest fear is that she thinks she's doing something wrong or is somehow to blame. Though we've talked about my PIED before, I went through it in greater detail. It was helpful for us both.

One of her concerns, for example, was that the stuff I'd been PMOing to was hardcore, rough or fetishy stuff. I assured her it had just been nude pictures of celebs and I don't do it anymore.

Anyway, after a little talking, we concluded that I'm pressuring myself to come (pun intended). Doing a little mental trace, this makes sense. Because while I could get up and in, the minute I started thinking about getting off, I went soft.

Not sure what else to do except just keep trying. But these occasional "failures to launch" have given me a serious complex...which in turn contributes to the biological reaction...which reinforces the complex.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So my current quandary, My Good RNers, is how to break the damned cycle?

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on October 16, 2016, 02:34:37 PM
Had a wonderful afternoon with the Missus yesterday!

All systems were go and everything got off (pun intended) without a hitch.

Still had a little performance anxiety when I got inside and could feel myself going soft. So I took a deep breath and just forced myself to be in the present. Corny as it sounds, I just looked at my wife and saw how beautiful she is. I also focused on how good the physical act felt and the Little Monk started standing strong.

In other words, I got out of my head and into the moment.

I actually came sooner than usual. Asked my wife if it was to short. She just giggled and said it was just the right amount of time.

Still have a long way to go (I think). But every victory is a step closer.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on October 16, 2016, 04:26:38 PM
Excellent! The secret is to just be in the moment -- no thinking.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on October 24, 2016, 04:08:10 PM
Well, somehow my 45 days of no Porn or Porn subs turned into 60!

So I'm resetting my counter with an official goal of 60 days.

Let's see how far we go!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on October 30, 2016, 07:01:38 PM
Great afternoon with the Missus yesterday. Everything was a go and we both had relaxed smiled on our faces when we were done,

In fact, I was feeling so good...I offered to get frisky again today! Unfortunately, she had someplace to be in a half an hour. So she didn't feel comfortable squeezing me in (pun intended) cleaning up and getting dressed in such a short time (which is perfectly reasonable).

So I did what any man would do. I took care of myself when when she was gone. No porn or porn subs involved. Just ran through my head what we would have done if she was there.

It's funny, but that actually helped in the healing process. The real thing is so much better than jacking it, I almost don't want to do that anymore. I'd way rather wait for my wife to be ready than turn to Ol' Rosey Palmer and her Five Sisters...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 07, 2016, 09:59:41 AM
Another successful weekend with The Missus! The Little Monk was able to get up, get in and do his thing!

So I think I'm officially over the PIED. And the DE doesn't seem to be a problem anymore either. In fact, I was almost in danger of becoming a "Minute Man"! I had to actually hold back and slow down for a change.

Being "normal" sure feels weird.

Wouldn't say I'm "cured" though.  I still get tremendously strong urges to surf the web for visual content. And like any other addict, this usually flares up when I'm either stressed or bored.

I've been able to hold off (largely thanks to this community and all you wonderful people). But there's still the tendency to get complacent and think "Hey, I've gone a couple of months without incident. Surely one little PMO peek couldn't hurt, right?"

Except that's exactly how alcoholics fall off the wagon. What starts out as "one little drink" usually ends up in a binge.

So...every time I get the urge, I come here. Or I'll go to the gym...or fire up the XBox...or grab the guitar. Just something to get a away from the computer and move my mind to other thoughts.

On the plus side, the urges are far more easy to control these days and don't last nearly as long. Still, those little bastards still pop up every once in awhile.

But I'm ready for 'em...


 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on November 07, 2016, 10:43:01 AM
That's the spirit! Keep it up, and keep keeping it up.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 29, 2016, 06:33:30 PM
The Missus was having some health issues in her Womanly Region. Thankfully it was nothing serious and she's fine now.

But naturally, there was no Nookie in the Monk household for the month as we were getting that all sorted out.

Unfortunately, I sought companionship in the internet and my own right hand.

Nothing serious...just a few pictures of pretty people to jog the ol' spank bank.

Nevertheless, that may have set me back a bit in the Real World. We'll see, I guess.

In the meantime, I reset my counter. And should probably start coming here every time the urge to stray resurfaces (which will probably be every couple of days at this rate...)

Anyway, the fight goes on.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on December 19, 2016, 01:10:22 AM
Wanted to check in and log a success story for the Forums.

Looks like I'm pretty much over the PIED and the PIDE ("Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation"). For the last month or so, all my equipment's been working the way it's supposed to.

Sure, sex in the Monk household has been a little "vanilla" .But as the Missus reminded me, we've keeping things simple and standard until I felt comfortable (she's a trooper, that gal of mine!). Slowly but surely, the anxiety and angst has been lessening. And the Little Monk has been able to get up and working on a regular basis.

And yesterday, for the first time in a long time, we actually had normal fun spontaneous sex (the way we used to when we first got married). I wasn't nervous or worried or retreating into my head to force a reaction.

I was fully present and committed to the moment. And the result was wonderful!

Even after we finished (and boy did I finish!) things felt different...better...more real. I felt relaxed and wired at the same time. I couldn't believe I'd been sacrificing feeling this good for porn fantasies.

Now any time I'm tempted to fall back into old habits, I'll remember how good the Real World feels.

Hope everyone else is finding the their way out of the Porn Pit. If you're struggling, keep reading the Forums, talk to each other. Hell, drop me a line if you want. 

This stuff REALLY works!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on December 19, 2016, 11:26:28 AM
Just visiting the forums, and saw you posted- P.M.!

So touched and inspired by that success story, and am encouraged that a brother in arms is making progress.


Peace to you.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on January 22, 2017, 03:12:52 PM
Aaaaaand...I'm back!

Reset my counter after a nasty little relapse.  The long and the short of it is...I got cocky (pun, as always, intended). After curing the PIED and the PIDE, I decided I was invincible. So I dallied here and there at some old vices.

My weakness had always been nude pictures of celebs. So while my wife was "paying her monthly bill" (we don't have sex when she's on her period), I revisited some old digital playmates. Figured what's the harm? I'm cured, right?

Wrong!

This is the equivalent of an alcoholic saying "One drink won't hurt me."

It wasn't even a full blown relapse...just a peek here and there. But it led to some regressive thinking. And when the new year arrived, so did the PIED and the PIDE. But that also brought a resolution. This year...I'm going to do it right and complete.

Managed to stay clean for the last few weeks. And I won't even look at bikini or lingerie pictures. Had a serious panic of performance anxiety this afternoon but managed to get through it. The PIED seems to be gone. But I wasn't able to finish.

Still, this re-enforced that the real thing is much better than the fantasy.  Which in turn brings back the correct thinking. Rather than thinking "I'm horny, when will my wife leave so I can jack it", the thoughts are more along the lines of "I'm horny. Let's see what the Missus is doing now so hopefully I won't have to jack it."

My resolve is stronger than ever and I'm determined to permanently put the cap on this thing. I am constantly amazed by my Missus who's been sober for two years and is all the happier for it. Her patience, willpower and tenacity completely inspire me.

So here's to a Prosperous and PIED/PIDE Free 2017!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 12, 2017, 04:32:04 PM
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm still having trouble with the PIDE (no, I'm not dyslexic. That stands for "Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation').

When my wife and I have sex, I can get it up fairly regularly. However, I can't seem to finish. Part of the problem is that I've conditioned myself to ejaculate to imagery (due to the porn or porn fantasies). As a result, I need some kind of fantasy to get me to the Point of No Return.  Once I'm there, I can shift back into reality and ride the wave to orgasm.

But right now, when I try to come, I can't. None of the old triggers work anymore (which is not a bad thing). I recognize this as being part of the infamous "Flatline" (that in-between phase where, as your brain is rewiring itself,  nothing seems to trigger). I'm also aware I'm trying too hard. There will be times I'll try to force it, and just go limp inside her.

Today, as we were getting it on, I could feel the pressure building. So I went into my head to trigger the Point of No Return out of habit. When I realized what was happening, I tried to shift back to the Present, but it was too late. The Little Monk had retreated into his Wilt of Shame.

On the plus side, I haven't so much as looked at any old vices. It's tough, because there's always some internet article about "so-and-so celeb's bikini selfie" or  "such-and-such's sexy lingerie shoot". I don't even click on them anymore. There was also a fetish site I used to frequent occasionally (side note: "frequent occasionally" seems like an oxymoron) that I haven't touched in close to a month.

I'm determined to beat this permanently. And it WILL happen. Just need patience and time (both of which always seem in short supply).

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 27, 2017, 10:09:58 PM
I think things are finally back on track!

Had the biggest case of Blue Balls all week since we hadn't done "The Deed" in a couple of weeks (my wife had to "pay her monthly bill"). So when Saturday rolled around, I jumped at the chance to jump on my wife!

Everything worked as it should have. No PIED or PIDE!

That left me (and her) feeling so good, I was tempted to reward myself with a little Spank Bank Fantasy Wank a little later that night.

Just think about that for second. As a reward for being able to have good, normal REAL sex, I was tempted to have a virtual go with one of my digital playmates. That's literally like an alcoholic rewarding himself with a drink for staying sober for a week.

Happy to say, I resisted. But it's almost frightening the way the addicts brain works.

Thankfully, the desire for recovery is far greater than the need for momentary gratification.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on February 28, 2017, 06:45:12 AM
The feeling that I wanted to "reward" myself after performing with my wife is very familiar. It always seems to be the day after.  It is just another one of those insidious triggers we have to fight.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 02, 2017, 10:24:19 PM
The feeling that I wanted to "reward" myself after performing with my wife is very familiar. It always seems to be the day after.  It is just another one of those insidious triggers we have to fight.

Indeed. Just another way for the Addict Brain to convince us we need another hit of the habit.

I once knew an alcoholic who would have a glass of wine after successfully attending an AA meeting.

Same damn thing...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: MioSr on March 04, 2017, 03:17:02 PM
Monk, the exact same thing happened to me re: post-intimacy surfing urges. It was a fairly sizeable Wow this is addiction moment.

Glad to hear you pushed through the temptations. All best with your journey to freedom!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 04, 2017, 11:03:10 PM
Monk, the exact same thing happened to me re: post-intimacy surfing urges. It was a fairly sizeable Wow this is addiction moment.

Glad to hear you pushed through the temptations. All best with your journey to freedom!

Thanks Mio. Nice to know it's not just me. Glad you were able to move past it.

(But I'm totally stealing "post-intimacy surfing urges"!)

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 19, 2017, 04:09:22 PM
Been awhile since I posted.

Things are progressing nicely, though not at 100% yet. The Missus and I just had our weekend roll in the hay and it was quite fun. No issues getting The Little Monk to stand at attention. However, I encountered another problem...one that's been a rare occurrence for me.

We were literally about a minute into getting hot and heavy and I could feel the desire to release. So I tried to pull a "Sting" and hold off. But alas, alack and a chicken a la King, once I choked it back...I couldn't recover. So I didn't  finish.

On the plus side, this suggests that I'm more in tune with the physical sensations than the mental imagery, so that's definitely a step in the right direction.

Mrs. Monk asked me why I didn't just let it go. "Because I was having fun and didn't want it to end just yet!" 

The lesson here is that it's all about balance. The quest is to find that "Goldilocks Zone" that's juuuust right.

Maybe Mama Bear will be in the mood a little later...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 20, 2017, 08:45:15 AM
Not too hot.... but not too cold.
Made me smile - Goldilocks Zone is something we talk about a lot at work..... but not in relation to PIED  ;)
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 02, 2017, 05:24:59 PM
Okay, this is getting annoying. I seem to be regressing back to some old bad habits. And while it's not a full blown back slide, it's impacting me in a negative way. So far, the PIED hasn't returned...but the PIDE has. And in a weird way.

I can actually get to the Point of No Return, but for some reason am holding back. So I get close, hold off and go soft...leaving neither me nor The Missus satisfied. The worst part is that this has given me a serious case of angst and performance anxiety. So instead of looking forward to the Happy Fun Sexy time on the weekends...I dread it.

And although my  wife continues to be a trooper, I feel useless and unmanly as I'm constantly letting her down. Of course, this further fuels the sense of insecurity and makes me tempted to self gratify.

The worst thing is how I justify the Surfing I do. "Just one picture", "It's no big deal", "It's not REALLY porn", etc...

The only thing to do is basically do a total hard reset and avoid EVERYTHING on the net. No bikini or lingerie pictures...no "check out such-and-such celebs hot bod Instragram", etc...

So, I'm taking a page from Kurall's book and resetting my counter to a smaller chunk of time.

Let's do this a week at a time until those pesky neural pathways get firmly locked into place.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 09, 2017, 08:59:48 PM
Well, that was tough week...but I made it through.

Actually, the first few days were easy. But my libido was raging by around Wednesday or Thursday. And just about every pretty girl was getting me aroused (this made Kung Fu class Thursday night especially challenging).

It's also doubly difficult when literally ever third article on any commercial news aggregate site is about some celeb's "new bikini body", "sexy photo shoot" or "hot new Red Carpet look".  I managed to keep control and not click on anything. So far it's working.

For the spiritually minded among you (and I know there are several), I've also been folding some chakra balancing into my daily meditations...focusing particularly the 2nd chakra, which governs sexuality and pleasure. Have a feeling "opening up" the 2nd chakra may help resolve some issue. Seems to be working so far.

Anyway, I'm going to reset the counter and go week to week for awhile.

Stay tuned...

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 10, 2017, 06:45:07 AM
<clumsily side-stepping the spiritual bit, due to my embarrassing ignorance>

Congratulations on fighting your way through a tough week. Really feel for you with the performance anxiety and self-esteem challenge you're experiencing in the bedroom. I've had very similar challenges over the last 3 months and find very nervous about physical intimacy with my wife. I got to convincing myself that, even though I was committed to staying off the P&M, there was no spark left in my marriage. That was bullshit. Just another cognitive distortion to throw me off the path and into the nettles. I'm trying to take my time and be empathetic with myself. I know that there are times of the day when S has traditionally been gentle, no stress, relatively short and ultimately very relaxing. Other times when it was traditionally more exciting and more of a performance. I currently find that I'm less anxious and enjoy things better at the "low stress" times of the day, so I'm trying to build confidence at that time and I think it's working. Might be something to consider.

And I wonder whether you might consider changing your commercial news aggregator, mate? You must be feeding the temptation by using the ones that shout loudly about celebs, actresses and fashion shows. I used to use those ones and dumped them in favour of the dull, old, BBC and then eventually The Guardian.  Made a big impact. My P & S addiction was very fetishised, though, so those types of "news items" were particularly dangerous for me. Might not be such a big deal for you.

Just my thoughts. Good luck for another week of success.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 10, 2017, 11:06:10 PM
<clumsily side-stepping the spiritual bit, due to my embarrassing ignorance>

Congratulations on fighting your way through a tough week. Really feel for you with the performance anxiety and self-esteem challenge you're experiencing in the bedroom. I've had very similar challenges over the last 3 months and find very nervous about physical intimacy with my wife. I got to convincing myself that, even though I was committed to staying off the P&M, there was no spark left in my marriage. That was bullshit. Just another cognitive distortion to throw me off the path and into the nettles. I'm trying to take my time and be empathetic with myself. I know that there are times of the day when S has traditionally been gentle, no stress, relatively short and ultimately very relaxing. Other times when it was traditionally more exciting and more of a performance. I currently find that I'm less anxious and enjoy things better at the "low stress" times of the day, so I'm trying to build confidence at that time and I think it's working. Might be something to consider.

Thanks! And that's great advice. You're absolutely right; the best time to build up the confidence is when one is feeling confident. I recently discovered that I've been approaching sex as something we have to do instead of something we want to do. Lately I've been feverishly trying to mentally schedule time when we can squeeze in some intimacy between all our chores and running around. All this does is ramp up the pressure. I start feeling that if I can't make it happen during this tiny time window, that's it for the week.

But if I don't think about it, I'm relaxed and the right moment just...occurs. Then The Missus and I just happily follow the urging of our naught bits.

Of course, I can intellectualize it to death. Putting it into practice, however...aye. There's the rub.

Quote
And I wonder whether you might consider changing your commercial news aggregator, mate?

That's...brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?! Seriously! I just went and deleted a couple of the biggest offenders from my bookmarks. I'll stick to CNN and the other dull (but safer) sites.

Thanks for the good tips, Workinprogress.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on April 17, 2017, 10:54:50 PM
Seems like things are starting to get back on track. Had a great weekend with The Missus and the Little Monk behaved perfectly! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

Amazingly, the more "in the moment" I was, the more aroused I became! Something as seemingly minor as just caressing her face was a huge turn on. It was like my senses had been reawakened and all those little details...scent of her hair...feel of the sheets...were more exciting than any image or fantasy I could conjure up in my head.

It felt so good to release, I was actually giggling with joy afterwards!

And I was hit by the obvious (yet alien) realization that no porn or fantasy will ever be as enjoyable as the real thing. And the key is to channel all that vivid imagination in to present moment.

But, winning one battle doesn't win the war. So, I'll reset my counter for this week and continue on the current path.

Seems to be going in the right direction.

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on April 18, 2017, 06:13:31 AM
way to go ..
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 09, 2017, 09:38:54 PM
It's been a challenging few weeks. Both my wife and I have been travelling over the past few weeks. This, unfortunately, forced us to spend the last three weekends apart. And a sad symptom of this is a complete lack of Gettin' it On.

This past weekend, I had the house to myself for the weekend and I cracked. I jacked myself silly for two and a half straight days, though I didn't do much surfing. Most of my inspiration came purely from the old internal Spank Bank. But it still had an effect.

I noticed I was really irritable on Sunday. Couldn't understand why. It was a beautiful day, I was chilled and relaxed. There was no reason to feel bad at all.

Then about mid afternoon, it me; "I haven't jacked off at all today! I'm having withdrawals!!"

But, happy to say I've been "clean" since Sunday night, the Missus is safely back home and we're both staying put for the foreseeable future.

So, all it well back at La Casa de Monko.

Still feeling the tinges of the withdrawal, though. Or maybe I just got used to having the house to myself for a few days!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on May 28, 2017, 03:02:25 PM
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm happy to say it's been all good.

A couple of weeks ago, The Missus and I settled back into our steady groove of Weekend Business Time. And it was...wonderful! Everything worked as it should have. And I swear, it actually brought us closer together. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel intimate with my wife. The psychological and spiritual aspects of sex are slowly starting to return.

Last week, we had to take a little break because my wife had some minor female issues. It's okay now (although I wish she'd go visit her OB/Gyn. But like her husband, she steadfastly refuses to see a doctor when someone else suggests it!). During our downtime, I went solo for a night. And I have to tell you folks...I didn't really enjoy it. It's like my brain is finally rewiring correctly and recognizing that masturbation is a very poor substitute for the real thing.

As an aside, there was a time when, deep into my addiction...I preferred masturbation to actual sex. Now, I can honestly say that's not the case.

We got it on again today and it was awesome! Again, there was a time when I used to dread having sex with my wife. Not because it was bad, but because of my nerves, performance anxiety and all those other demons I'd posted about before. Today...I couldn't WAIT! I was like a horny little kid excited about the prospect of "doing it" (as Mrs. Monk likes to say) with a beautiful woman!

The thing I'm noticing the most is the change in the perspective. The hierarchy of needs (if you will) between masturbation and real sex has completely flipped. And I find little things in a physical world (touch my wife's back, kissing her neck, sniffing her hair, etc...) are more arousing than soft core porn pictures.

I still wouldn't say I'm "cured" yet (it just doesn't feel complete at this moment). As such, I'm still keeping my tracker at a two-week segment. But I definitely feel like I'm making some very significant progress.

Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on May 29, 2017, 03:58:59 AM
That change in perspective is great news ... I have seen it too. Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on June 04, 2017, 11:12:01 PM
Interesting observation regarding that "change in perspective" I mentioned last time.

The Missus wasn't feeling too well this weekend (it's Allergy Season and the histamines took her down hard!). Naturally, that put a damper on our  "sexy-sexy time" (as my wife likes to say).

Now back in the day, this would have filled me with joy and relief. Because that meant I had an excuse to masturbate to porn. In fact, I actually preferred it to the real thing. I mean, that's like wanting to play a driving video game instead of actually going for a drive!

Today that was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact the though even just jacking it "normally" wasn't appealing. It's just a very poor substitute for the real thing.

And THAT my friends, is the sign of a brain in the midst of rewiring.

Monk.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: AndyNJ on June 16, 2017, 05:39:30 AM
Great post, PM!  Clearly a sign of rewiring!

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Leon on June 16, 2017, 12:14:10 PM
Awesome, P.M., that's the way to go!

Nothing like the real thing, far better than the fantasy- because it comes with real world intimacy, which exceeds the unrealistic fantasy.

Blessings.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 09, 2017, 10:14:51 PM
Crap.

Feels like I've been "leaning off the wagon" a bit lately. It hasn't been a full blown fall, but I can see it coming.

Simply haven't been as disciplined. I'm also getting cocky (pun always intended). I noticed it definitely impacted my performance with the Missus today. Thankfully, she's a patience and encouraging partner. So the Little Monk was able to start and finish...but things were a bit touch and go for second.

So, I'm resetting the counter to a full month. And I pledge that any time I get the urge to surf the web for naughty places...I come here instead!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on July 16, 2017, 10:23:29 PM
This week's been a series of Good News/Bad News events.

Good News! Been able to stay clear of any soft core porn stuff for the week!
Bad News! Still feeling the impact from "leaning" off the wagon.

Good News! The Missus' "monthly visitor" didn't drop by today as expected...so we were able to get it on!
Bad News! I wasn't able to finish. Seems like I could get close, but I just couldn't ejaculate.

Good News! At least I was able to stay in the moment, focus on my beautiful wife and not cheat by going into my head.
Bad News! See above.

I think if I stay the current course, everything will work itself out. But I'm disappointed in myself. The DE shouldn't a problem anymore. In addition, my Niece-in-Law just had a baby and Mrs. Monk has been staring longingly at the pictures of the newborn. As I've said before, we're not trying to get pregnant...but we're not not trying. And I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't "spill my seed".

Or maybe I'm putting undue pressure on myself to finish, which in turn stressing me out enough to prevent me from doing the very thing I want to do!

Either way, it's really getting damned annoying...

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on August 03, 2017, 08:00:37 AM
Sound to me like the good news 'way outweighs the bad news. Think of it as achievement.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on August 20, 2017, 11:24:00 PM
My Kung Fu Sifu often says "If do you things the ugly way, you become expert in ugly. Don't be ugly!" So lately, I've been focusing on throwing out the Ugly Habits and doing things The Right Way.

Nowhere is this more applicable than to my nemesis, the PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation)! Been really focused on breaking those Ugly Habits that prevent me from enjoying sex as completely and fully as I should.

This means not relying on imagery to get me to The Point of No Return (TPNR). I think it's working because I've hit a mini-flatline. The fantasy images that used to TPNR no longer work. And I'm forced to return to the present and stay in the moment.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work either...yet.

Today, with The Missus, I could feel the sensations arising. Then I panicked, went into my head so I could climax and damn near lost steam! I hastily returned to the present and felt the ol' Mojo returning. But alas...I wasn't able to finish.

I'm considering instituting a No Fap policy since the masturbation feeds the need for imagery. Though I'll admit, sometimes I jack it just to make sure I still CAN get off...and that there's nothing medically wrong with me.

I dunno... Have to think about this a little.

P Monk.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 03, 2017, 11:04:09 PM
Great day with Mrs. Monk! We were chill. We were fun. We ended up in the sack.

And..everything worked as normal!

Hooray! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

But I have to admit, I had to go "into my head" to just crest over The Point of No Return. Strangely, I imagined The Missus talking dirty to me. It was something she used to tell me when we were dating that, for some reason, just took me over the top.

I guess in the future, I can ask her to say it for real. But, for now, we'll count this as a win!

Now I just have to resist the urge to do a Victory Fap...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on September 04, 2017, 06:12:41 AM
Excellent, Mr Monk -things are really working out well for you and the Mrs. Gives me hope!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 04, 2017, 04:37:01 PM
Thanks, Strike.

You can do it.

I still stay staying on The True Path (HA!) is harder than getting on it. Every day we're able to not give in is a victory.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on September 08, 2017, 10:03:57 AM
Hey PM. How are things my friend? Just checking in after a long absence from the nation. I look forward to reading your next update brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 17, 2017, 10:37:22 PM
Hey PM. How are things my friend? Just checking in after a long absence from the nation. I look forward to reading your next update brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Lyon, mon amis! Comment ca va?

Good to hear from you. Hope all is well in your world.

So far things are progressing nicely, but slowly.  I feel like my libido is finally returning to normal. The old unnatural urges and desires a thing of the past.

Nowadays if I'm horny, rather than get online...I'll just look for a willing and accommodating partner. Good thing, I'm married to one!

The PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation) is still an occasional problem. But more often than not, I can beat it by staying in the moment.

Mrs. Monk and I had a fun Sunday afternoon romp today and everything went fine. However, I did have to rely on a little imagination to get to The Point of No Return. For some reason, pretending The Missus is saying certain things to me helps get me off.

And while I suppose I could ask her to "talk dirty to me", she wouldn't be comfortable saying what I imagine. Maybe that's why they turn me on.

But that's a problem for another day.

But for right now, I'm Born Again, Porn Free!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on September 18, 2017, 05:23:47 AM
Thanks for the update brother. So happy for you and your wife. Keep coming back my friend.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 24, 2017, 09:59:46 PM
First things first, is it me or are all the counters gone?

Anyway, things are progressing well. This weekend was Mrs. Monk's and my 7th Anniversary so we celebrated with a lovely romantic dinner at a swanky place we'd never been to.

I wanted to do something "special" in the bedroom this weekend. I had in my mind what I'd do, what she'd wear, etc.  Of course, things never go as planned. Life got in the way and we both got caught up with chores, work and family stuff. So I'd pretty much written off the possibility of any nookie this weekend. But later in the afternoon, The Missus wandered by and said "Come on. Let's do it."

Unfortunately, I was kneed deep in some work emails. But I wrapped those as quickly as I could and joined my wife in the bedroom. It was fine. And The Little Monk did not fail me. But I was stressed, tired and a little annoyed that it didn't go the way I wanted. So, although I could get the party started, I couldn't finish. Although I was really close to discharge, it just wouldn't happen. Tried to resort back to the old fantasy technique, but that just got me soft all that much faster.

Anyway, I'm a little discouraged. I need to work on finding inspiration in the moment and not dwelling on a preconceived idea of how things should be. But I also shouldn't be afraid to admit that I'm not ready yet, and ask for some time to get my head together.

It's amazing how much of sex is a mental thing.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 24, 2017, 10:29:55 PM
my friend,
the key is letting go

let go that work must be completed. work never ends
let go that things must be perfect. but don't you realize that things are best when there are no expectations ?

be joyful and appreciate the opportunity and moment
forget the future, forget the past.
live the moment.
we might die tomorrow.
live the moment.

if you are at work, work
if you are at love, love.
let go of your standards, expectations, constructs.
live for the moment.
live for the moment
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on September 25, 2017, 05:12:35 AM
Ah, the pressure!

I am familiar with the frustration. I guess its difficult to get out of the work mode and just dive straight into sex like that PM, and wanting so much for things to go well, so don't be too tough on yourself...

I am waiting for my libido to return consistently, and it seems to be taking ages. We can only patiently wait, it seems, and try to be as relaxed as about it as we can, whilst feeding our relationships in other ways.

Dunno whats happened to the counters either. I never managed to work out how to start one in the first place! -I could find no clear instructions anywhere and didn't get round to asking for help.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on October 22, 2017, 10:25:03 PM
Been awhile since I logged on...which probably contributed to my current situation (foreshadowing!!!)

First off, thanks TAN and Strikeatruepath for your comments. They were appreciated.

I've been away because things have been going pretty good for the last few weeks. Seem to be able to get it up and get it out with little trouble. Still need to jump to the fantasy realm for a second or two to climax, but it's becoming less and less necessary.

Had a great experience with The Missus yesterday. I was feeling pretty confident and decided to focus on Mrs. Monk's orgasm. She's been so patient and understanding though all this, it was time to the focus back on her. Besides, her orgasm's been a long time comin' (pun intended).

The great thing was that, for the first time, I wasn't worried about finishing. Unfortunately, I was so relaxed I finished little ahead of schedule (No Minute Man, though. I lasted a "normal" amount of time. But that killed my "Ladies First" program.

But hey! At least my PIDE was gone!

So how did I celebrate? By going on an artificial stimulation binge all weekend. Fortunately, I stayed clear from porn, but yanked my crank to all the softcore fantasy crap the PG-13 internet had to offer.

So, here I am. Feeling pretty low about my lack of discipline.

And yet, reinvigorated to get back on the path.

Wish me luck!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: lyon03 on October 23, 2017, 02:26:12 AM
Thanks for the update brother. I'm glad that your PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) and bedroom anxiety (the need to climax) have abated. You wrote:

"So how did I celebrate? By going on an artificial stimulation binge all weekend. Fortunately, I stayed clear from porn, but yanked my crank to all the softcore fantasy crap the PG-13 internet had to offer."

Question: Do you make a distinction between x-rated images and pg-rated sexual images? The RN homepage says, "Reboot is a complete rest from artificial sexual stimulation." Thoughts?

I look forward to your next post my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 31, 2017, 06:17:05 AM
Hey PM I thought Id give you a shout. How are you getting on?
Read your last post where you mention your "artificial stimulation binge". Try not to be too hard on yourself about it -or about any relapse you may have. Focus on your intention to improve your life and your relationship with Mrs Monk and keep on giving it your best.
Post relapse, I ask myself what triggered me to do it, and how I can manage that trigger next time round. Or maybe it was just my ongoing hunger for porn? in which case, what did I tell myself to justify indulging, to get round the obstacle of my resolve and make it seem reasonable to do it? Aiming to make the most of the relapse as a learning experience.



Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 05, 2017, 11:01:53 PM
Lyon and Strike,

Thanks for checking in and for the advice.

Lyon, to answer your question, my drug of choice has always been the soft core stuff...nude or semi nude images of celebrities. It was never the full penetration, X-rated stuff. That was never as exciting as the fantasy of being with a famous lingerie model or actress.

But that ties into Strike's comments. The bottom line is that it was the fantasy. So...why? What was it about the fantasy that was better than the reality?

Well, at the time, the reality was that my wife's an alcoholic. She was either drunk or passed out when I wanted to have sex. So, I turned to the fantasy to escape and satisfy my urges. By the time she got free from her addiction (she's been sober for three years, God bless 'er!), I was deep into mine.

For the past year, she's been helping me break free of my addiction to porn. She was patient during my six week reboot period and has been very supportive during those times I couldn't perform to my fullest. But when we have sex, it's very safe, simple and subdued. Which is, without a doubt, my fault.

She and I used to be really adventurous in bed (and other places). That was a more true expression of who we both are. It's funny but now when I fantasize, I fantasize about her. Which leads me to the answer to Strike's excellent question of "What triggers me?"

The answer is quite simply, I'm not allowing my fantasies (or rather, my imagination) to manifest in real life. Recently, when we've had great sex, it's been when I lead...take more risks...become a more imaginative and creative lover. 

As you know, Porn Addiction saps a man's confidence. This has made me believe (falsely) that the safe stuff is for real life whereas the fun stuff is for fantasies.

So I think the key for me is to be fearless and free and to just have fun. Easier said than done...I know. But let's see how it works!

Thanks for the support and wisdom.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Gracie on November 06, 2017, 07:34:01 AM
PM I am a partner.  My husband and I have worked through his addictin.  And I have asked the question too, where is the fun sex we used to have?   The adventure?  I have even asked, was that not him?  Was he just acting out his fanatasies?  (I did not know he was addicted for years. As he watched more, we became less). A lot of those things were fun and enjoyed by us both.  I am interested to hear what men say.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: jjacks on November 06, 2017, 11:35:09 AM
I suppose it all means what you mean by fun and adventure. And the purpose of this site.

I have just passed one year of my reboot. Since quitting regular PMO a year ago my symptoms of PIED have virtually all disappeared to the point that the ability to have spontaneous sex with my wife is back. As a result, her level desire has increased (it had ground nearly to a halt). That is fun for both of us. I believe that was the purpose of this website, the site succeeded in helping me. Without a partner, fun might mean something else.

If that  is not fun for your then you should discuss that with your partner. I suspect that is where the adventure is found.  It is all part of the evolution of a healthy couple.

-JJ

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 12, 2017, 09:35:17 PM
Thanks for the posts, folks.

Gracie,

Props to you for working with your husband through his addiction. Supportive partners are everything when going through a recovery. As for where the fun sex went...only you and he can answer that. In my case it was a loss of confidence. PIED and PIDE are really emasculating experiences. It's tough to feel brave and adventurous when you've lost faith in yourself. Open minded partners help. There are days I feel I can lead the charge and play like we used to. And there are days where the fear creeps in and neuters the moment. It's a process...

jjacks,

Wise words, man. Good advice. I hope to be where you are (metaphorically speaking) very soon...
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 12, 2017, 10:00:40 PM
At this stage it's remarkable easy to hop on and off the wagon.

I admit it. I fell off the wagon pretty hard a couple of weeks ago. And yet, I haven't visited any soft core or fetish sites since my last post. I didn't miss it...didn't crave it...didn't want it.

There was a two or three day flat line period and then voila! The Wood of the Morning!

Unfortunately, it seems that I'm still flatlining in the PIDE department. Today, I simply could not finish. Even tried desperately to resort so some of my old mental trickery. But none of that worked.

Unsurprisingly, I actually felt more aroused in the moment than in my head. But when I tried to use a little fantasy to get to The Point of No Return, nothing happened.

My immediate inclination is to go Google some softcore. After all, addiction is the comfort food of the mind, right? That would make me feel better for the moment.

Except it wouldn't. It would just delay my recovery and create more days of frustration like this. So...I haven't. And I won't.

When my wife was getting sober, she remembers the exact moment when she realized drinking wasn't worth it anymore. I think that's where I am now.

Because Lyon always says..."PORN IS NOT AN OPTION".

P Monk

Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 19, 2017, 04:46:38 PM
Wow. What a difference a few weeks away from "Gateway Porn" (thanks for letting me borrow that, Strike) can do.

The Mrs. and I had normal married people sex this afternoon and everything worked out as it should have. Still had to go into my headspace to get to The Point of No Return, but this time it was just a little push as opposed to a full blown visit.  And for the most part, I was keying into the feeling of the moment rather than any particular imagery.

So that's progress.

I am still concerned about the lack of "adventure", but I'm sure that will come as the confidence increases.  So hey...Baby Steps

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on November 26, 2017, 11:11:49 PM
A good tryst with The Missus this weekend. She had anxiety about work, I was hungry, thirsty and tired from working in the yard all morning. Yet somehow, we managed to give it a go and have perfectly normal  and pleasantly routine married people sex!

And, while I did inch into my headspace a little to reach The Point of No Return, it was literally for only a second. I felt the slow pressure building to release almost immediately. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it was the headspace or just being Present.

So, yet another victory against PIED/PIDE! And three solid weeks away from The Soft Stuff.

Odd side note, but lately I've been having "cravings" to look at images of a particular minor celebrity. It's really strange as to why I just want to ogle at her and I can't really figure it out. Usually, when an alcoholic has a craving, they're not particular about what they drink. So why is mine so specific?

Any way, I have so far resisted and will continue to do so. I mean after all, I just had the real thing not too long ago! Who needs fantasy?

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on December 24, 2017, 10:17:07 AM
Hi Monk,
Yeah these urges can be quite confusing, but the main thing is that we know where they are likely to lead if we indulge them! Well done with your 3 weeks clear of the soft stuff, and great to hear of the good times with your Mrs. To be close to our partners is one of the big incentives I think.

Best wishes for 2018
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on February 11, 2018, 03:43:27 PM
Been awhile since I've visited and wrote. And I'll be honest, things have been a little...shaky.

January was a really bad month. Between my wife and I passing the flu back and forth and some major life stress (work/family), it was challenging to find some intimate time.

So, I found myself using my imagination a LOT. My excuse was using the "soft stuff" to evoke fantasy situations for my wife. After all if she's still the star of my sexual dreams, it's okay, right? It's not like I'm really using those soft core images, right?

Ah...but fantasy is fantasy. And the use of those "soft" images became more pronounced as the stress in the workplace increased. And while I recognized that it was my primitive limbic lizard-brain trying to find a quick hit to dopamine relief, it did its damage.

Ordinarily, I'd seek refuge in physical activity and music. But...since I was sick, trips to kung fu and to the gym were limited. And the draconian situation at work had severely sapped any creative juices I'd reserve for guitaring around (yes...I know that's not a verb. But it should be, damnit!).

But slowly, I took control of the work situation and it began to turn around. And my wife and I were able to make a full recovery finally eject the illnesses from our house. These brought about a newfound confidence in me. And I finally was able to leave the need for the "soft stuff" behind.

I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks.

And my wife and I had sex for the first time in over a month.

But the real deal just wasn't as exciting as the fantasy scenarios I'd cooked up in my mind. And while I had no problem getting it up, I wasn't able to finish. However, something strange happened after. I was more attracted to my wife. Little things like the small of her back or the rise of her cheekbones began to excite me. It was as if I had been reminded how much more fulfilling The Real Deal was.

So with more focus, determination and some lights at the end of the proverbial tunnel...I think this temporary setback will be just that. Temporary.

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on February 17, 2018, 09:53:37 AM
Hi PMonk

From what you said in your post, the workplace stress can be one of the things that drives your use/gives that lizard the edge. For me too it is stress, and also tiredness and illness that can weaken my conscious control and allow the lizard to have its way!

I am playing with the idea now that I could train myself to focus more on something that means a lot to me (BECAUSE it means a lot to me rather than as a tactic of distraction) as I suspect that fighting the addiction is feeding its existence in a way. Aiming to train myself to let go and focus on whats really important to me...

Glad to hear you got through it all and are back on track

Strike


 
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 12, 2018, 09:57:19 PM
Been meaning to post for awhile, but life sort of got in the way.

Things have been actually been pretty good lately.

For one thing, I left the old oppressive job for greener pastures and, for the most part, am pretty happy with my decision. That's relaxed some of my tension considerable and the Missus and I are back on track.

The PIED is completely gone. And for the first time in months, I'm actually happy to have sex. It's become a pleasant fun occasion once again instead of an activity I dreaded due to shame and fear.

The PIDE hasn't been an issue for the last month or so, either. But I admit, I do occasionally go into my head to help me finish. Usually it's a fantasy about Mrs. Monk. But the problem is that it's still fantasy. This impedes my ability to connect to the moment, which in turn makes fantasy necessary for me to get off. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Of course, this is completely my fault.

Much as I hate to admit it, I still venture to the "soft stuff". And there's a part of my brain that still feels more "aroused" by fantasy. Although ironically, I once again enjoy real sex WAY more than masturbation (as it should be).

Anyway, the only way to quit the soft stuff is to quit the soft stuff. And to help me, I've decided that every time I get the urge to Google something I shouldn't......I'll come here and post.

So expect to see me here a lot for the next few weeks!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: TakeActionNow on March 13, 2018, 08:01:46 AM
Anyway, the only way to quit the soft stuff is to quit the soft stuff.

Couldn't have said it better! :)
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Strikeatruepath on March 16, 2018, 06:27:38 AM
Good to hear things are going well for you PMonk and that your resolve to leave the soft stuff alone is still there and getting stronger!
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on March 16, 2018, 10:12:39 PM
Thanks guys!

And using the Reboot Nation as my Virtual Sponsor is working pretty well.

Had an urge to something naughty. Came here and saw the motivating posts from Strike and TAN and <POOF!>

Naughty urge gone.

See? It really works?

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 09, 2018, 09:39:27 PM
Hey Folks,

Just checking in. Didn't realize it'd been so long since I posted! But I'm happy to report things are going pretty well!

At the end of March, I tried to adopt a "No Fap" lifestyle. Unfortunately, I was only able to stick to it for about three weeks. So, as an interim step, I tried to cut it down to a single fap a week. This seemed more doable and I'd turn to that whenever The Missus wasn't available.

However, the major difference was that I didn't use porn. Instead of jumping on the internet and scouring hours for fantasy fap material, I'd simply go into a quiet place...and do my thing.

Then I'd move on. When the dopamine urge came on later, I'd busy myself with music or writing or time at the gym until it went away. As time went on, I began to notice a serious change in...everything!

For starters, I noticed a surge in my empathy and awareness. It was literally like a fog had lifted and I was waking up. I could deal with my fellow humans...particularly women...as fully realized people.

The relationship with The Missus has improved. I'm more present and in-tune with her and am finally back to being bold and adventurous when we get it on. I admit, though, I sometimes still need to duck into my head to reach The Point of No Return. But there are just as many times when I can be fully present and let it come naturally (pun, as always, intended).

I'm still not quite where I want to be. But both the PIED and PIDE are gone!

And if I can do it...I KNOW you all can too!

So Keep on Rebootin'!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Inner_Light on September 19, 2018, 09:47:18 PM
You're where I want to be, P-Monk. Thanks for the inspiration and congratulations.
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Punk Monk on September 29, 2018, 11:27:51 AM
Thanks, Light.

If I can get there...you can too!

P. Monk
Title: Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
Post by: Inner_Light on September 30, 2018, 05:31:16 AM
Thanks, PM. I note that you've place a lot of emphasis on re-establishing intimacy with your wife, which I think is great.  It reminds me that a focus on the positives, and a healthy life, is necessary as I rid myself of PMO.  The journey is not as simple as replacing the bad with the good, but that's the result!