Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: bob on June 21, 2015, 01:23:52 PM

Title: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 21, 2015, 01:23:52 PM
This is it. While not entirely new to this I am now back!
60+ years old and I have not gone without pmo or mo for more than 24 hours, over the past 45 years. It wasn’t everyday when I started (at 8 years old?) but I made up for it later.  I started with magazines and progressed through all possible changes in technology.  Magazines were collected, soft to hard. Those were hidden and maintained until I threw them out in disgust.  Then the cycle would repeat.  When VHS came out I rented players, made copies of rented videos and collected again. This process was repeated again and again. Next was dial up Internet with downloads. Finally, I was streaming everything through high speed Internet.  Some days I would repeat pmo up to 3-5 times a day, edging for hours on end. I planed that each session would only take a few minutes long. Hours later I would finally o. I would then look at the clock and realize I was out of control. I never finished thinking the time was well spent.

I wasted a lot of time with this behavior.

Now for a bit of background… I have been married for 25+ years to a wonderful woman. We have two older boys who are close to being on their own. My wife has known about my pmo habit and has never been judgmental. However, she has been frustrated with my lack of ambition, my lack of intimacy, and my distant behavior.  Over the years I talked to her about my concerns but was never able to stop.

Honestly, I am not sure what began this current attempt to break the cycle. I guess it was my wife saying, “You know, you can download pod casts on sex addiction.” I started to search and then to listen. After that I found YBOP and the video that explained how porn affects the brain. I am now on my way to being pmo free.

I am still scared. I know that it will get harder before it gets better. I only recently (last two years?) had any problems with ED. I attributed it to being close to 60 but honestly; I now realize its direct connection to porn.

I want to stop. I need to stop. I am so glad to have found YBOP and Reboot Nation.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Kurall_Creator on June 21, 2015, 02:48:33 PM
Hi Bob,

It's great to have you here.

I have a similar story, starting with magazines, going unto VHS tapes, then downloads on dial up to streaming on high speed. I know where you're coming from. It looks like you checked out some of the stuff on www.yourbrainonporn.com, and that you will be going through withdrawal symptoms. Yes, they can be very hard to deal with at first. Panic attacks, worsening depression and everything else.

But what is getting me through this, and I've been working on being PMO free for the past three weeks, is this. First, I said, while I was going through the withdrawal symptoms, this is my brain's efforts to heal the imbalance that was caused by the years of my habit.

After I got through all of that, I realized something. In order for you to recover, it isn't removing pmo out of your life, it is replacing it with other activities. Since our pmo is all about our primitive reward centre, which is seeking reward, to deal with pmo, which is just seeking, make some goals for yourself to seek. This should help reinforce those connections.

For me, I want to work as many hours as possible at my new job, so I can afford a 5k iMac. I want that 5k iMac to go back to school and work on the video game idea I have, which involves some of the research from YBOP website. I want to take the work I do on that, go to a video game company and get hired. That's just professional.

On family, I want to have better relationship with my girlfriend/common law spouse, and have a better sexual relationship with her.

Mentally, I once believed I had a short term memory disability, but clearing up porn for the past few weeks, my short term memory, concentration and drive are way up - and I want to see how much better I will become for being pmo free for another year! Did I ever have a real learning disability? I'm not so sure now - and when I go back to college, I want to have another testing of a educational assessment, to see if my short term memory is considered at the bottom 11 per cent anymore - which is another goal I have!

ect, ect. ect.

As you replace your drive from porn with your drive for natural rewards, and remind yourself - porn is a fake reward, you strengthen the healthy highways for rewards, and continually weaken that artificial/fake reward pathway!

I hope that helps you. Don't be afraid, there's hundreds of thousands of us Fapsternaughts, rising above the atmosphere of porn in our world!!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 21, 2015, 03:09:35 PM
Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on June 22, 2015, 12:14:48 PM
Bob....great to see you here.
It will get better...the further you walk away from pmo. Yes, it gets difficult at first...when you stop running to pmo, your body craves comfort and some kind of buffer from the internal pain of life...but the further you walk away from pmo, then the more real healing begins.

You can do this...really glad you are here.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 22, 2015, 01:24:59 PM
Thanks

pmo seems to be doing fine. My biggest challenge now seems to be staying away from soft triggers. These consist of the image that show a bit of skin and seem to peek the interest. I wasn't even interested in those during the first part of my reboot. Now they seem to be calling me to visit.

I know the slope is slippery and the voices are calling.

Problem is that the reward for visiting doesn't exist.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 23, 2015, 08:25:19 AM
Checking in on my 48th day of this journey.

Made the commitment to end pmo but as a married man, I am continuing to make love to my wife. Was going to say "have sex with my wife," but it seems to be much more than that. She is very supportive of my journey. May not understand it fully but is continues to support and love me. Anyway, intimacy with her has risen to a level that I would not have imagined  before I started this process.

I knew I had to stop. It was sucking the life out of me. Even when she would be interested in making love, I didn't feel like it. Typically, I had just spend some three hours edging and if we were to try, I might not be able to perform. If I was able to perform, I might not have been able to o. I would have to WORK at it.

Now, it seems like I am just giving myself over to her and it is fantastic. She says that she is amazed that it is better for her as well. Neither of us thought this would happen. And I surly didn't think the frequency of our times together would increase. 

Am I fixed? No. I have a long way to go.

Recently I  mo'ed (without p). I really didn't think that this would be a problem. I am still not sure how I feel about this. But, I seem to have hit a point where I am looking for that titillating bit of skin on the internet. Maybe a youtube video where see a big busted women in skimpy attire. Gets me thinking about mo'ing again. Want to be careful as I want to save this time for my wife.

Anyway, I a just rambling on so I am going to sign off.

Thanks for being here you RN brothers. Wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 53nomorepmo on June 23, 2015, 01:36:16 PM
Hi Bob, good to see you again, and thank you for reading my journal. 

I fell at about this 48 day marker you are at now.  The trigger in my case was being alone and essentially forced to be on the Internet for long periods of time.  Unfortunately unavoidable in my work.  A simultaneous trigger was being under personal stress in my relationship due to my wife's issues.  Like you those little bits of skin or whatever that didn't really get me going in the beginning of my reboot seemed to carry a bit more trigger power later in the process.  I guess this is just learning about my addiction. 

I am sure it will get better over time.  So I begin again... hoping to make it to the goal post this time.  Sounds like you have some wonderful support at home.  I wish I had this it would make all the difference.  Good luck to you and I am so happy to hear about your discovery of real love!  Beats the heck out of pixel madness.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 26, 2015, 11:27:44 AM
Thanks guys

It means a lot to hear your stories and how you are coping with this process. On a time away from home. Kidded the wife that there will probably be a strip joint next door to our hotel. Well, its not next door but its close.

Go figure. Never really went to these but they are a visible sign of available sexual stimuli. I do notice that I look at them as I drive by. Don't feel terribly tempted but the trigger is there.

Ill hold up my end of this guys. I just appreciate your comments.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on June 30, 2015, 09:12:43 AM
Hey Bob...I'm really glad to hear about how much better things are with your wife. That's great.

Life is only better when we walk away from all forms of the pm that used to flood our lives. I mean...that used to enslave us.

I'm glad to hear that you are walking away from pmo.

Thanks for your post.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 03, 2015, 10:08:04 AM
Well, I ended up going to the strip club.

Trigger Warning...

Walked in and paid my $17 for one drink. Sat down and wondered why I am there and what was the attraction. The first girl came up, proceeded to sit on my lap and asked; What was my name? why was I there? Was I married? Why would I come to a "juice" bar.

I told her I was hot (temperature) so could she please get off my lap. She left saying I must not like black girls. Over the next 5 min 5 more girls came by, wanting to connect. I honestly had no interest in them and really wondered why I was there. After the 5th girl I got up and walked out without any more emotion than "why did I spend that money?"

Kinda strange...

Still no PMO but MO hasn't been eliminated. Not sure how I feel about that. BTW, there was no fantasy about the strip club. I just felt sad and dumb (shame?)  to have even gone there.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on July 03, 2015, 11:18:19 PM
Hey Bob....sounds like you are seeing beyond the fantasy and the lies of the strip club.
Thanks for telling us about this.

The good truth is...you are here. You're not unconsciously out looking for the fantasy fix.

Thanks for the honest post.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 04, 2015, 04:07:43 PM
Yeah, I had one girl approach me to start her "talk." I stopped her and told her I wasn't going to be very profitable tonight. She said thanks and just walked away. I found that I wasn't interested in them. They weren't particularly attractive to me. I just wasn't that interested.

Good thing but I guess that isn't one of my triggers. I might have been in big trouble if it was.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on July 06, 2015, 11:09:50 PM
It's all a fantasy....whether in the club or the pixels online. It's all just to get your money. The girls don't really care anything for the guys....it's an act. just to get money.

The truth is, most of the girls despise men...can't stand them. It's an act.

Even the pixels on the screen...and the video on the screen....all just to get money.

If you get a chance, go read KurallCreator's last post.....that's an eye opener as well.

Hope you are doing well. Thanks again for your honesty here.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 16, 2015, 07:00:08 AM
Currently struggling with depression and a feeling of worthlessness. Haven't PMO'ed but MO is a bit more frequent, maybe every other day. Not sure that is a good thing.

Anyway, I wanted to bring up a thought that I haven't heard addressed. Why isn't the health care industry addressing this issue. I know the drug companies don't care as they continue to profit if they continue to sell drugs. Porn induced ED, what do they care. We keep looking at porn and they sell more drugs.

Ad begins with a women on a bed. "So guys, it's just you and your honey," she says. "The setting is perfect. But then erectile dysfunction happens again. Plenty of guys have this issue -- not just getting an erection, but keeping it."

OK, I see the drug companies angle. What about primary care physicians? Has anyone heard their doctor ask about PMO when going in for ED meds? Any talk at medical conventions that address this issue? Seems like there could be a PSA that would benefit a lot of people, men and women alike; if only we could bring this into the mainstream.  I know it would piss off the drug companies. And, I don't even want to think of how the Porn industry would react.

As I hear from kids these days... I'm just saying.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Kurall_Creator on July 16, 2015, 09:10:59 AM
I wish the health care community would take a stand on this. But the majority probably don't know about this.

Up until 5 weeks ago, I never heard that porn use could lead to ED!

It is up to us to do that for the community.

On a side note,

I would stop the MOs for a couple of weeks, as it will boost your testosterone. Lack of testosterone is linked with depression, and not orgasming for a week can bring your testosterone up by 45 per cent!!!

Taking cold showers help too, because they release a hell of a dopamine hit every time you do it. It's almost as good as sex for me right now!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 20, 2015, 08:17:52 PM
OK, guys, I have now added a MO counter so I am committing to stop MO for at least 30. PMO was not to bad to stop. At least at this point looking back it feels like it wasn't too bad. Anyway I am going to keep my hands off my dick!

I do love the feeling of morning wood I now get. Makes me feel like I am making progress. I just can't keep going as MO is starting to feel like it is a PMO substitute.

My wife is still supportive. Yesterday we messed around in the morning and later that evening we made love again. It was AMAZING. Never thought it could be this good.

Just got to stop MO. Seems to take away from our time together.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 22, 2015, 01:22:22 PM
Its been a while since I have been posting regularly. I really miss it and feel that I do better when I feel connected to others that are walking the same journey.

I feel I have hit a plateau; where I feel like I am doing ok but that I still have the urges and desires to just give it a peek. I haven't and now I have even added no MO to my list of goals. I found that I seemed to justify the MO as just a release, a way to take the edge off. Problem it wasn't surfacing as a late night, just wank and go to sleep. It became more elaborate, a goal unto itself. 

I waited until I could be alone. I would then plan on how the FAP would progress. What would I do to enhance the experience? Would it be a semi private space? Would it include other items to enhance the experience? Would it continue for more than just a few minutes?

If it was just a two minute FAP and sleep I wouldn't feel like I should eliminate this from my life. It seems like the experience is becoming too involved, too planned, too much like the PMO. I am getting to the point where I am struggling against it.

Anyway, thanks for the support guys. It means a lot to be able to communicate and share what is happening in my life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 27, 2015, 09:31:40 AM
Having a difficult time with stuff today.

For the first time I Googled some soft stuff.

Came across some pin ups in a antique store over the weekend. Stopped to look at them and the old feelings started. Just a few minutes ago  I searched pin ups on-line. Maybe two min at most but I realized that this is a threshold that I don't want to cross.

Not sure if the elimination of MO has anything to do with it. Need to work on some of the things to prevent these feelings. My wife will be away for about a week in a few days and I don't want to falter. The things I need to try are


I know this whole thing needs to be a life changing experience so I will start to work on it. Will keep you informed of my progress.

Right now I am a bit scared as I know that my previous life was a damn sink hole and I don't want to return.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on July 27, 2015, 10:53:21 PM
Triggers are all over the place. I find I have to just immediately get away from them or they will just grab a hold of me. And if I stumble upon something, continue browsing, at times I just get a massive dopamine surge and then I'm a goner. It's like my mind is just screaming to see more. It is truly a drug that will get you high. Especially if you have gone months without it. It's so scary because I hate what it does to me. And it's free(porn)... but it will keep us as it's slave anyway it can. Keep fighting Bob, you're on the right path.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: clickshop1628 on July 27, 2015, 11:16:26 PM
Wow, great stories that i can relate to. Thanks guys for sharing. Hope things will work out for you somehow.

Life isn't  just about porn, anyway. But you need to start to wean off porn..... thank for this forum too.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 28, 2015, 09:19:53 PM
Thanks  1qqq1,

I am hoping that it will get better. At this point it seems to be getting worse. I want this thing gone and me to be over it.

So frustrated that I can't even think. Will try to post more later.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 06, 2015, 10:54:57 AM
I have officially reset my counters. It was really hard after 90 some days but I have to be honest with myself.

I recently took to P substitutes and the old feeling started again. With the feeling was the internal discussion of "what if I... " I don't want to go down that slippery slope so I guess honesty is the best.

Will write more latter but right now I feel kind of stupid. I was doing so well.

Got unconfused on the counters so I just started over. That sucks too. I really like to see that I made my original 90 day goal.


 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on August 06, 2015, 02:45:20 PM
Hey Bob...just read your latest posts.

We have all been there. You can feel "stupid" for 2 minutes....but then you get up and get back on the journey. Actually, that's 2 minutes too long.

Even with the bumps in the road, you are still much further away from the daily pmo than you were when you started this journey.

It's not like going back to square one. You get up, and keep going.
And, you are here....and you are being honest. That's a huge victory, too.

I'm glad you are here, brother. Let's just keep going.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 06, 2015, 10:10:37 PM
I know. It just is frustrating.

Thanks for your comments.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 09, 2015, 02:37:14 PM
Well, I'm ready to give some more details of my current struggles.

I went through my 90 days without PMO without as much problem as I thought I would have. MO was a different story. I didn't think that MO was much of a problem. If I didn't dwell on P during the process I thought MO was fine. My wife was supportive and the sex we had during that time was amazing. It made me feel like it was the best ever.

Alert to potential triggers:
Jump to the present and I look back at my MO. It got to the point that that process started to take the place of PMO. I started looking as P substitutes. Pin Ups have always had an attraction for me but this moved on to other images of women in magazines or the internet. I also found that I was looking at real women with a different eye; like sex objects and players within my own fantasy. Next came the visits to Adult Shops. I didn't stop at the video booths but I slowly went around the whole shop dreaming of what I could with each item. I was on a trip on the interstate and had plenty of opportunities to stop and leer. I also began to dwell on male/male activities. While not gay, these as well as past fantasies started to play a bigger role in my MO time.

One place I stopped had a lounge and I thought of previous visits and encounters I had with strangers. The triggers were strong; even to the point of planing visit on a return trip. In the long run, I didn't stop but I did continue to visit the Adult shop and eventually purchase an item that I used during my MO.

Long story short, my P subs became videos I took of myself as I MO. While I didn't look at Internet porn it became obvious that it was only a matter of time before I started in full blast and was heading to my favorite sites for multi hour visits. I didn't do it but the triggers became so much stronger.

While I am pleased I haven't officially looked at internet porn, this is little consolation when I realized I was beginning to return to past behaviors. Some of those actions were down right dangerous or unhealthy. They are things I don't want to repeat.

Anyway, I have included P subs in my counter as well as general MO.

I need to put some time behind this and break this cycle. I want to eliminate all types of P or P subs that could be present in my life. I know that during my first 90 days I was able to turn my head from women in revealing positions or clothing. I want that again. My wife is the one I want to concentrate on and "lust" after. PMO or any forms similar must be removed from my life.

It is also really embarrassing to profess these actions. Its as if I don't even know the person that I am or could become.

While it still scares me, I know that with the help of you folks here and the conscious effort to read, learn, and journal it will get better.

I can beat this demon.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 10, 2015, 08:36:16 AM
Just checking in...

Realized that my P substitutes were based on the idea that I wasn't cheating. Somehow I thought it was OK to look at or create sexual content that I could use to MO. After all MO isn't a problem? Right?

For me it was a problem. P subs used for MO produced the same dopamine rush that caused the problem as the Porn on the internet. It created the same problem that got me addicted in the first place. It separates me from the love of my life and keeps me distracted. It gives me that blank stare that shows her I am not here but somewhere else.

What about just regular old MO? That's just normal isn't it? Well, for me it currently is escalating into P subs. Its me waiting for my wife to leave for the day so I can O. Its taking away from my life and my relationship with my wife.

That's a problem!

What about down the road? After all, a quick jerk in bed before I go to sleep is over quick. It's relaxing. It doesn't seem to be a problem but with my abstinence all things P I need to leave it behind. I need to keep my hands off myself until I feel that this thing is under control.

Who knows, an alternative is that MO looses its hold on me altogether. I do read of folks who have beaten this thing and feel that it isn't such a struggle anymore.

I can only hope that I can get to that point. Right now I am trying to introduce an exercise regiment into my life as a substitute for this destructive behavior.

What a trip if I could get addicted to being healthy! Right now it is still really difficult.

Peace brothers.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on August 11, 2015, 06:39:25 AM
Hang in there Bob, you'll be able to figure out what works best for you. For me I need to go without MO. I think there Is benefit to retaining that energy you expend doing MO. It gives me a clearer head, helps me to be more confident, and less ashamed. Also MO is so closely related to P my brain sees no distinction. I never did one without the other or at least fantasy. On the flipside I think sex with a partner would enhance my recovery and life, if I had one. 90 days is an amazing accomplishment. You can do it again and go even further.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 11, 2015, 07:36:27 AM
Also MO is so closely related to P my brain sees no distinction. I never did one without the other or at least fantasy.

1qq1,

No truer words were spoken. As I said, I thought MO was fine. But since eliminating PMO it became the new P. Sounds kind of strange but MO needs to go.

I remember when I was really young. I had a "trigger alert" a fantasy regarding MO. I would be on a raised bed grinding against a pillow with beautiful naked women all around the bed. Not sex with these women, but just MO. I started MO very early in life. The first time I thought I was going to pee but nothing came out. Don't remember my age but I remember the event and surrounding vividly. Honestly, at that point in my life, I wasn't sure what sex was. Why would I dream of anything else. However, latter, I began to wonder why I would MO and not have physical contact with naked women."trigger alert."

That was a long time ago so moving on...

I got up early today and started a run routine. I have a dog that loves to get out and hang with me so I have a buddy that will always want to exercise. I  know that as I start this XMO process I need some other "addiction." I also know health wise I need to work on getting into shape. It is obvious that physical activities will be the most efficient insurance to assure an active old age.

One other point I would like to make.

I was on this site at the beginning of my reboot and left for about weeks. I came back with a different name to be a bit more anonymous. During that time away, I realized how much I missed the support of others. Communication is the key to beating this thing and while my wife is supportive, she isn't close enough to really understand what I am up against. What I need is dialog with folks in similar situations. 

Thanks for your input. You will never know how much your words have helped me today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on August 11, 2015, 11:10:52 AM
Hey Bob...I remember you from when you were first on here.

You have been a great support to me as well.

My roller coaster has had more downs that ups lately....and I'm pretty tired of it.

I have had to remind myself of WHY I am here, and what led me to this place. I know someone who was quitting smoking, and they said that the insanity of it became so real when they said, "Can't I just quit, but still have a cigarette?"

There is no blurry area here....it is either no pmo, or choosing to pmo. For me, choosing to pmo caused pain and loss in my life...even when I thought I was "getting a pass" on one. The roof didn't fall in, and no one died when I last pmo'd. So, the door was kicked open again.

But, what I have to remember is that when I pmo....there is another brick laid in the wall between me and my wife, and between me and my children....and another brick laid in the wall in my mind and my heart that blocks me from other people, and from life.

I forget to easily.

So...enough from me about me....I just wanted to say hi, and tell you that I am glad you are here. I am with you, and continuing on the journey to live a life WITHOUT pmo.

Thanks.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on August 11, 2015, 04:33:41 PM
Hi Bob,
I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I can very much relate to your story.
My wife, also on this forum as 'Hoopvol", pointed out you wrote a reply on her journal. She now is very supportive, and understanding towards me.
Almost every day, since we are on this forum, we talk. Seeing her fight for our relationship,makes me stronger every time.
The letter she wrote, keeps me going !
You're right not to resign to MO.Nothing works better for me, than a clear, and busy mind.
Enjoy the simple things in life, and know that you're doing a good job in sharing with us.


Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 11, 2015, 05:02:05 PM
NGU,

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to have someone touch base and see how I am doing. The elimination of MO is really going to be a challenge for me. It has been a part of my life for so long and the pathways are really deep. Most important point is to continue on towards the goal.

Stay strong my friend.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 12, 2015, 09:52:23 AM
I'm starting another day without M. For me M always the beginning.

Have some general exercise questions for you folks. Do you have any resources on weight training? I am planning on talking to someone (trainer?) who might be able to start me out right but would like to know if anyone has links online that might help. I am interested in starting slow to strengthening my joints so that I can maintain and eventually build muscle mass.

I have started an exercise program as well but want to alternate between the two. Any comments you have will be helpful. I am hoping this whole routine will give me the "lift" to redirect when I feel those ever present cravings.

Peace brothers. We continue to move forward.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: L.T.D. on August 12, 2015, 10:23:29 AM
As a former Army guy, push ups, sit ups, and some cardio, is all one really needs to be "in shape". Do as I say not as I do. Lol I have been doing push ups and sit ups twice a day for a week now. Running is not my thing, never has been. But I am starting to feel good again. As for weight training advise...sorry, I'm not your guy.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 12, 2015, 01:02:56 PM
Thanks L.T.D.

I appreciate your comments.

Running isn't really my thing either but the dog likes it.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 12, 2015, 04:16:52 PM
Hi bob, your doing good. Everyday we don't pmo, we are healed a little  bit more. I found  out for me, that you tube was a big time trigger for me u
I just really  try to avoid  it, at all costs . because we all know our brains, at least we are started to know our brains.  They are very powerful. Watching  you tube,  is like being on a giant avalanche, in slow motion. The videos  go from normal,  to bad, quickly.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 13, 2015, 09:38:33 AM
Had a epiphany this morning; something some might call a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious).

Triggers might be a bit of a misnomer. That is they act fast but can be subtle.

Let me try to explain my reasoning.

I love pin ups. Always have. The artwork used on the sides of the airplanes of WWII to the Vargas girls of Playboy. Their life-like images, while over airbrushed and anatomically exaggerated were images of beautiful women. They were always a draw and up until recently considered by me as harmless.  Appreciate them? Sure. Not big deal.

I now realize they are part of a slow slide towards images and content that is unacceptable; at least for me. They make me want to continue to look and explore. The make me want to continue. Correction, them make my brain want to continue and explore. I am realizing that the power of my brain chemicals is quite powerful. It wants to continue that exploration and the outcome will not be good.

If I was to explain this to my "outside" friends or colleagues, I think they might laugh. "What's the big deal?"

No big deal unless you have spent hours in front of a screen lost in the search and acquisition of porn. No big deal unless you have wasted hours if not days of your life on a action that separates you from life. No big deal unless you are trying to change a destructive behavior that is easily defined as an addiction.

Translation; I have to say no to spending time lingering on even the most innocuous "girly" images. They may be intriguing but they don't help with my journey. They don't help with my goal. They are the beginning of a path who's meandering can lead to a fast paced highway to hell.

I don't want to go there. I will not go there. I want to look to the light. I am looking for love. I am looking to life.

Porn is not life. Porn is the BHTH, (Black Hole To Hell).

 
Title: Weight training
Post by: Brooklyn Jerry on August 13, 2015, 09:41:10 AM
Hi Bob, 65 yo guy here. I had slacked off with training after my wife passed. I use to WO a few times a week and even entered some powerlifting contests 15 years ago. Around the same time I found this site I started doing some lifting again. I then came across a great resource for lifting info,
www.startingtrength.com  it is designed  for novice lifters or those getting back into it. I  bought the book Starting Strength and think you will find it helpfu. Running is not my thing either.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 13, 2015, 09:49:56 AM
Jerry,

Thanks so much. I will check it out as soon as I can. I think it will be a big help.

I am in the process of reading the book Younger Next Year in which it says that many parts of the aging process are reversible. Part of the regiment is exercise 6 times a week, 4 aerobic, 2 weight lifting. Another point of the book is that one should connect with people. Seems this if vital for continued youth into old age. It is another good reason to drop PMO. No connection to reality.

Thanks again. I will let you know how it goes.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 13, 2015, 07:10:54 PM
Been there, done that. I was off porn for 93 days, but I would film myself m.o. not good it was a trigger. We have to be diligent, not stray. You are right we can beat this demon. I'm at home tonight,  til at least 10. I'm going to keep busy. No pmo here. It's a choice we all have. We need to make the right choice,  for us, and  our families
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 13, 2015, 10:05:34 PM
Jaystock,

I thank you for your honesty. Your support means so much. It helps to hear one is not alone.

I am overwhelmed by the shame I carry for my actions, but I must not wallow in self pity. I will break the cycle of this addiction. I will leave it behind. I will support others on this quest and know that we are stronger together then when we are alone.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 14, 2015, 04:53:21 PM
Thought I provide and update.

I have made it 8 days so far with no MO and definitely on PMO. The MO continues to be the most difficult. Today I went out and exercised and worked around the house. Always seems like there is something that can be done. Lots of things I have put off in the past. Maybe the elimination of M will help get more done.

Still wake up with a strong hard-on but waiting for my first wet dream. If I have one it would actually be my first. Started MO at a young age; before I was able to produce any semen. First time I MO and something came out I was kind of scared. Wasn't sure what was happening. I have keep sufficiently drained ever since.

Crazy I know but I'm in my late 50's and  I never had a wet dream.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 15, 2015, 01:40:50 PM
Today has been difficult. Desperately wanted to MO but have refrained. Will make it through but I seem to be going around in a fog. Need to get out and do something else to take my mind off these thoughts.

Need to remember that this is my brains process of rebooting. Hard though.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoopvol on August 15, 2015, 02:07:44 PM
Hi Bob,
The titel of your journal says so: you can do this! Does your wife know you're struggling right now? Talk to her; by talking to her, especialy when you're having a hard time, you make her part of your "team".
Keep strong, you can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on August 15, 2015, 02:23:01 PM
Come on Bob, stay strong. You fought this one, that should make you feel better.you're right to keep mind busy with something else.
It works good for me. How's your exercise going?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 15, 2015, 02:39:21 PM
Hoopvol,

We had actually planned on making love today. At least I thought we were. I mentioned it a couple of times; had a  positive response but she needed to finish up what she was working on for work. Her work kind of got away from her so we never did. Its hard to bounce back into a different mindset when I think I am going to have sex. Seems to be on my mind constantly. I guess that's why I am having a hard time.

Really wanted to have some physical contact. Even just cuddling would have been nice. Maybe tomorrow. Sunday seems like it is a good time for us.


Hopeful,

OK, strong it is...

Kind of fell away from the exercise this week. Went two times but the first time I pushed it too hard. Haven't done a regular  program in a long time so I need to start slow. The second session was much better. Gave me a sense of how far I could push it. Feel like it won't be too much of a problem to get back into it.

Thanks for asking.

I sure helps when I know you guys are out there.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoopvol on August 15, 2015, 04:30:48 PM
Hi Bob,
Sunday sure sounds like a good day.  ;).. See were the day takes you and create a relaxed atmosphere. Did she know you were planning to make love today? Maybe, if you don't plan, but get her in the right mood.... If you don't plan, you won't get dissapointed? I understand, why this must be why P is such a trap: you don't have to seduce it, it's alway there. But you know: p is no langer an option.
Stay strong, you' re doing great!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on August 15, 2015, 06:09:40 PM
Having self induced expectations of sex is something all guys do.  It hurts in more ways than we see but I think we have to attempt to mitigate them.  A long time ago a shrink my wife and I saw mentioned this to me which I took to heart:  alot of the conversations we have inside our heads are two way hut we fill in for the other party.   Sometimes the replies are good but most often not.  We have to allow that actual person to speak and not discuss such matters alone.

This can apply to alot of aspects of life but it's something which I have really been trying to do over this last half year since Ijjoined the movement.   I wish and hope that one day I'll be brave enough to speak fully about everything but this takes time, trust of yourself and others.   

As for working out dropping the porn is amazing.   I can now bench 135 with ease, leg presses are hitting 360 curls, curls are straight 30, shoulder press at 125 and dumbbell presses are 55 each hand.  I'm sure that my one rep max is far above these numbers but we are all old and I worry about hurting myself.  My wife and I go dancing here and there to electronic dance music events, something we have both enjoyed for a few decades, and we can keep up with the 20 year old kids and so can everyone else here(though we are the oldest kids in the room)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoopvol on August 17, 2015, 07:26:48 AM
Hi Bob,

Was just thinking about you two, wondering how you are doing now?
Hope you are still going strong?? You are a great inspiration for a lot of guys! And you give hope to partners als well.
Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2015, 07:54:25 AM
Ohh Hoopvol,

I am currently struggling with strong desires to M as it has been almost 11 days since the last time I O. That is an extremely long time for me. MO has been a part of my life for almost 50 years. It is a hard habit to break.

I have things (work and personal life) that is taking me away from my relationship with my wife and it is difficult to maintain a clear mind throughout this process.

I continue on the quest.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2015, 04:57:05 PM
RN Update:

Working on 12 days without a O. Man, this is a long time. Porn (typical hard core) hasn't been a problem. Porn substitutes are calling but I haven't answered. The challenge is keeping my hands off myself and not M or M to O.

Proud of myself but it is more difficult than I can imagine.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: L.T.D. on August 17, 2015, 07:02:03 PM
I hear ya Bob. For me the M is the tough part too. Keep strong! Only good things will happen. But not immediately. That's the tough part to comprehend and believe in. I have noticed some drastic changes in my body and mind while being off of M, even in a short time period. Sadly, I have M'd since my time here and almost immediately noticed the progress made was set back.

I reject the man (for lack of better word) I was. I will be the MAN I know I can be!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on August 17, 2015, 09:05:18 PM
It sems that everyone has this slip once or twice before they realize it's filled with danger.  I think we fool ourselves into feeling the risk is with porn alone but deep down we know it's the release.  I guess experience is the difference.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 17, 2015, 09:45:58 PM
I have m'ed a couple  of times. I'm using my imagination, rather  than looking at a screen. It only took a minute or so. I'd like to use p. I'm retraining my brain.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoopvol on August 18, 2015, 03:02:23 AM
Hi Bob,

good job, man! I always told my husband I didn't have any problems with him M-ing. He told me himself, he wants to stay away from it because it would be the the first step back on a slippery slope. It's just too related to P. Something he learned from you! Lesson learned!


Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on August 18, 2015, 02:09:59 PM
Hey Bob.....thanks for your encouragement. I'm really glad you're here.

Thanks.
NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 22, 2015, 05:20:51 PM
Just checking in.

Kind of depressed. Not sure why. Went on a trip and realized the number of triggers while present on the road. It seems like they are absolutely everywhere. I know this process hasn't gone on forever but it sure seems like it.

Not sure how to react or what to do. I just want this all to stop. I want this all to end.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Brooklyn Jerry on August 22, 2015, 09:19:26 PM
 I hope you have been able to stay off the porn. I sure know how tough it is to beat this thing.  I  have slipped a few times and found doing so made having real not as enjoyable. I do know that one thing that keeps me trying to quit is the knowledge that when I stay away from porn and MO the real,sex is better.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 23, 2015, 12:36:14 PM
Nope, no porn for me. At least none that is in the traditional sense.

I did stop into an adult "novelty" store. Walked in, walked around, and I walked out. Total time in the store about 45 seconds. But, I haven't viewed porn since May 6th.

Still working on cravings for MO though. It was through a MO marathon that I reset my current counter. Still struggling with that part of my life.

Would like to be done with these cravings and to be able to keep myself active; actually doing things when I am by myself. Currently, I just shut down. Have lots to do but it doesn't seem to get done.

Still working on it...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 26, 2015, 04:16:41 PM
So glad to have RN so I can post when I get any urges to MO.

Just got home. Need to work on dinner or working in the yard. The typical feelings start. At least I have the RN options. If I spend a lot of time here at least I am not resetting. It is still a struggle.

Thanks for being here guys.

To the folks that read and wonder...  If you are contemplating a commitment to a PMO free life, you need to be here as well. Its hard but it is worth it. You need to join us.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on August 26, 2015, 06:22:40 PM
First step is always the hardest, always good to see your insight Bob. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 28, 2015, 12:02:54 PM
Hi folks,

Last night I read the following link. I felt like it held a great deal of wisdom regarding this reboot process.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0[/url]

 A couple of the points were as follows. Please forgive the paraphrasing of this link...
Because of this link, I am going to change the way I approach the reboot process. I will be removing my current counters and replace it with a counter measuring the time from my last PMO. This was my main goal, one in which I have had success.

I will continue to work on MO and P subs but even with "slips" I have not returned to PMO.

To get a better sense on the progress, I will set up a spreadsheet on my MO slips, I will also provide access to this spreadsheet through RN.

I am in this for the long haul; the rest of my life.  It sounds like a spreadsheet will give me a more effective visual to follow my progress. This may take a bit of time to set up but will work on it and get it set up as soon as I can.

I may also reduce the time I am spending on RN. I still want to be here as this site is a true lifesaver, a place to understand this crazy addiction to porn. The thing I don't want to do is be obsessed with process. This isn't to say that it will be easy but is is worth it.

Your love and support for me during this process is important as I continue to redirect my life. May we continue to move forward together while encouraging others as we struggle with this addiction.

Peace brothers and sisters.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on August 28, 2015, 01:10:17 PM
Kicking ass.and taking numbers.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free73 on September 14, 2015, 06:34:32 AM
Hi Bob,

You are doing well man, keep going with it.

Shame is a big piece, but you're 100% right. Don't dredge up shame in your posts. That was the past, you drew a line in the sand and it's done. No point beating yourself with shame about what happened in the past. We are not our addictions, the addiction was a coping tool that became a habitual way of managing our emotions........but we are not our addictions. The addiction is separate to who we are and who we want to be and we need to acknowledge that. Once we have admitted that we have an addiction, it's then done, we need to separate the addiction from our identity. This is why I don't agree with the AA way of dealing with addictions........we are not powerless over our addictions, we were not born as PMO addicts, therefore, we can learn to manage our lives without the addiction.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Hadenuff on September 15, 2015, 12:17:47 PM
hi bob.......your story is remarkably similar to mine.THE only difference being is that this is my first attempt at quitting.i am in week 2 and it is a bitch...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: PIED64 on September 16, 2015, 05:12:07 PM
Hey Bob,

I finally read through your entire journal.  Thank you for posting the link to: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

It is a lengthy read, but well worth it.  Peace brother.

Onward and Upward!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 19, 2015, 03:05:57 PM
Dear Free, Haden, and Pied,

Thank you for your comments.

I continue along. Sometimes up. Other times a bit down. It sure helps to feel the support of others. I had no success at this process before I came upon RN. Felt it was impossible to change the course of this addiction. Now I know that isn't true. Takes work but it is possible. Truly for me, it has been possible with the help of RN and the friends I have made.

I continue to work on being the new me. It can be challenging but there is so much to be gained from reaching this goal. It is a life goal for me. I feel the need to accomplish great things, to make a difference in other peoples lives, to leave the world a better place because I was here. Strangely, these goals don't have to be noticed. They just have to exist. If they constitute being a better father, husband, or  colleague, so be it.

I have not found the path easy; just something I must strive follow. Not easy but worth it.

Peace to you brothers and sisters.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 25, 2015, 06:52:34 AM
Updating my journal to let folks know I am still in the race.

Positives:
PMO continues to be gone from my life.

Challenges:
I continue to work with the soft side of P. My chart shows my progress but it also provides me a reminder of where I want to be, where I want to go.

I was really depressed the past few days Many things required at work seem overwhelming and impossible to manage, coordinate, organize. Always been a struggle for me but with increased responsibilities come greater challenges.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 29, 2015, 08:15:27 AM
Still here folks. Still moving forward.

Work is crazy so I haven't had the time to be online.

Thanks for asking.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 16, 2015, 09:08:40 AM
OK folks, whether you know it or not, you continue to inspire me.

I wasn't going to post for a while but I think it is now time. Honesty is important and I feel like we are all in this together. I even started to post on FF and NGU's journals but I realized I respect and follow so many. I owed it to all of you. You need to know what has happened.

I relapsed over the weekend. Big time.

I had made it to 160 days. However the number of days is irrelevant . My goal is a new life, a new direction; not just a number of days abstinent.

About 3 weeks ago I started with P subs. Just wanted to take a quick peek. That began a slow slide down the slope. The decent occurred a little bit at a time. But, that doesn't matter. Slow or fast, the direction of the slide is still down. The bottom isn't where I wanted to be but I eventually hit it hard.

Plus side? I haven't beat my self up. Frustrated, I still understand that what I have accomplished to this point is amazing. A year ago I would not have believed I could actually go without PORN for a week; even two days. PMO had been a part of my life for so long, so many years. I have made impressive progress. and this progress would not have been possible without your support.

Now I am back on my goal. Furthermore, I better understand my triggers. Rereading journals (mine as well as others) allowed me to understand where I wanted to be, what I professed. Now I begin again.

I don't see myself at the bottom starting up. I'm actually back on top with a new commitment. The slope is still present. The slope is even steeper. Slides down will be harder to stop. The goal is to make sure I never start to slide, It must never occur. As I see it, slope never goes away. The objective is to learn how to stay away from the edge and prevent any future stumbles. The only way to decrease the pitch of that slope is a new life. Walking the walk that mirrors my commitment. Currently I don't feel a pull to the slope. I know it is present. In the future, it will pull me when my confidence waivers. However, I will resist. With a renewed commitment and your support, I will succeed.

Thank you for being here at RN and allowing me to express myself. You mean the world to me. You make this journey possible.

Together we will succeed
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free73 on October 16, 2015, 06:29:04 PM
I think you're doing great Bob. To go so far is a great achievement and the relapse is a reminder that we are human after all. Get back on the wagon and hold your head up.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Poker on October 16, 2015, 06:33:45 PM
Thank you for posting this.  Your brutal honesty is the best way to handle it.  You're not lying to yourself....  you're not "justifying".   Your dealing with it head on.  That takes balls.  I salute you.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 17, 2015, 02:42:28 PM
Thank you for your comments.

Free, I appreciate you thoughts. I am back on the wagon. Glad to be back, even though it still bumps along. It seems to be going in the right direction.

Poker, you comment blew me away. It makes me feel proud of what I have accomplished and confirms I am moving in the right direction. Thank you very much.

I would be kidding if I say I don't check for comments after a post. Its hard to post what we truly feel. We are all human. We crave the response and confirmation of being heard. We all want to feel that what we have to say is important. We all want to be able to make a difference.

I reach out to those of you who have been thinking about starting a journal and I encourage you to take that first step.

Write down your thoughts. Say what you are thinking. Open yourself up to a world that is diligent in its support and wants you to succeed. Porn doesn't have to take over your life. You can live without it. The live you will live will be more amazing.

Take a chance...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on October 22, 2015, 11:21:55 AM
Hey Bob....good to read your journal again.

Let's take it through the end of the year no pmo.

That's the direction I am heading.....

Hope all is well with you.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on October 22, 2015, 12:39:33 PM
Bob I love your posts. Talking about the slopes, and the edge, is exactly how I feel. I'm always  on the edge,and any trigger seems to send me spiraling out of control,  at least for a while. Then finally I get a grip, and think what the hell am I doing, or start making excuses  for myself. We need to be committed,  to getting our brains healed. Anyways, thank you for posting
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 22, 2015, 02:46:49 PM
Guys, it's like I am talking to old friends again when I open this up and see your comments. Thanks so much. They are truly appreciated.

Met with a counselor today. Seems like it might work well. Talked about the struggles I am having with work and porn but we didn't dwell on porn. She really seemed to feel that the porn was more of an escape from my frustrations at work then the main issuer or problem. While I am still working on a PMO free life, I can agree with her. PMO seems to be where I run when I can't take my life. It's my escape mechanism.

Well, not anymore. I'm moving out of the old self, the one that clings to PMO as a crutch. I don't need something that feels good to assure myself that I am good.

I'm OK. Not perfect. Not sure anyone is, but; I'm OK.

Peace to you dear brothers
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on October 22, 2015, 03:06:17 PM
it's great to read your posts Bob,
you sound more determined than ever before. I admire your energy and confidence in how you get yourself together, and start over again. Keep feeling good about yourself, the rest will follow.
Thanks for sharing.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 25, 2015, 04:53:23 PM
Thanks Hope,

Sometimes I'm surprised when I read my own post; did I really say that? Am I really that self assured?

I do know what I want and I am working in that direction. I only hope that I can continue my growth and understanding of this whole process. It has such potential, so much promise. It is the strengthening of the connections between the ones I love and my new life which give me the reasons to continue.

Not there 100% but i am 100% committed to continue.

Peace brothers and sisters
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 30, 2015, 10:50:58 AM
Just a note to say that I am continuing with my goal. Haven't stopped by for a while but you folks are forever in my thoughts.  I'm moving forward, making progress and growing; all at the same time.

Hope all the best for everyone that is here. And, I encourage folks that have not yet committed to a journal to come forward and join us as we all work together. I know I speak for many here that would say, "you will be glad you did."

Peace brothers and sisters
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on October 30, 2015, 04:14:56 PM
I hope your not signing  off bob, we still have a lot of work to do
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 30, 2015, 09:08:06 PM
Nope, I am here for the long haul, Jaystock. But the process can’t be my life.

Don't get me wrong. I owe so much to this site and all of you folks. I honestly believe I would still be spending over 15 hours a week PMO'ing if it wasn't for Reboot Nation and  YBOP. I’d be surfing, late at night, hurrying home after work, getting up early in the morning, anytime I could get away from the one I love. That's just plain crazy-stupid. But that's the way it was before your influence.

I owe so much to all of you for your strength and support.

I am just not able to be here as frequent as I have in the past. I found that I was spending way too much time hanging out on this site, checking it multiple times a day and not getting out, not moving forward. I don't want to swap my dependency on PMO for the need to spend excessive amounts of time trying to over think this addiction.

I understand what constitutes this addiction, what it does, and how it grabs on and doesn't let go. But excessive time on the Internet leaves me open to think about places I have been, places I shouldn’t go. Dwelling on past, rehashing old thoughts, desires, and fantasies is counterproductive for me. The more I am on-line struggling, the more opportunities I have to check out sites that include those women and their scantly clad bodies. Turns out I can find those women on the most innocuous sites. Doesn’t matter. I see them and I start to ramp up. The more I imagine, the more I struggle.

I don't want to go there. I'm not that strong yet. I need to spend as much time disconnected as I can get. Those neurotransmitters need time to relax and “smooth out the rough spots.” And why should I temp myself with pixels when I have the real thing at home. I need to devote my energy to my wife. She is the one I love. She has one of those amazingly soft bodies. And at night I can get naked and snuggle up against her, our naked forms rubbing against each other. What could be better than that? I need to reprogram with the real thing.

My goal is a life without PMO. I can do it. I have lots I want to accomplish. I just have to stay away from the Internet. I may not be here as frequently as I have but I am still with you guys. Together we will work on this. I just have to temper my visits to the web.

Thank you for your understanding. I will be here. I will continue to visit. I just have to watch how I do this whole thing.

This has to be forever.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on October 31, 2015, 11:34:14 PM
You are a good man bob. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on November 01, 2015, 08:13:27 PM
Same here bob, I have a warm bodied wife at home that would  live to "get it on" I need to remember that when I want to get high with my phone. At any rate, bob, I'm glad you're  not leaving us. As I said earlier. ..we have A LOT OF WORK TO DO. Stay strong, and keep thinking of that sexy wife, wanting to have fun
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 02, 2015, 02:23:15 PM
Reset.

Sucks but I'm up and moving forward. Will be staying off the Net for a while. At this point, I guess there are just too many triggers.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on November 02, 2015, 02:43:21 PM
Until you want to get off the porn, and decide. You've had enough,  you will find a way, to get on the Internet. I hope the best for u bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Poker on November 03, 2015, 05:32:15 AM
I say this with love man....

There are only 2 days of the year you have no control over. Tomorrow, and Yesterday.  Today you can control. Today you can make it through.  Just fucking get through today man.  Do not worry about anything beyond that.


One of the things that helped me tremendously is that someone told me I could control what that little voice inside me says...  So when my brain says "fuck it, I can't do this"...   I actually have to identify it, and take control.  And say "Actually, I can do this!"

Now that you understand its actually the hit of dopamine you crave.... and porn delivers it....  you need to train yourself to say that "its only a hit of dopamine, thats all.  I can live today without it."

Best of luck my friend.

p.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on November 04, 2015, 05:03:08 PM
Come on bob, get back in the game. We are all fighting the same demon here. We are all having a hard time, everyday. This place is better, with you here with us battling
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on November 05, 2015, 10:04:06 AM
Hey Bob, Hang in there. You can do this. I know how it is when you think you have a handle on this and it just jumps back up and grabs a hold of you. It is scary as shit.
You have to do what you think is best for yourself. I know sometimes with me if I spend too much time reading and thinking about how to conquer my addiction it detracts from actively pursuing the things that will do just that. Real relationships and connecting with people.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 13, 2015, 10:37:38 AM
Two nights in a hotel and the dopamine devil was held at bay. Quite an accomplishment it is, it is.

The process continues...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoopvol on November 13, 2015, 12:13:48 PM
Yes.... You can!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on November 13, 2015, 02:58:51 PM
Very good bob. I bet that was tough. That takes areal warrior to keep the motel, dopamine demon away.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 14, 2015, 12:21:16 PM
Thanks Jaystock,

You comment on it being a chemical dependency somehow helped. It allowed me to realize that it wasn't some much a basic need but a drug calling out for an invitation to visit; "you know, it will just be a short visit..."

Nope. Not gonna go there.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on November 25, 2015, 01:36:54 PM
Hey Bob....just wanted to say hi.

It's good to see you here.

I hope all is well with you.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 01, 2015, 11:38:09 AM
Thanks for your thoughts. Ben going through a bit of a rough patch. Hope it's getting better.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on December 01, 2015, 04:14:42 PM
I'm thinking  about you bob, keep up the fight, we will win
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 02, 2015, 09:59:10 PM
You guys don't know how much I appreciate that you are thinking of me. It really means a lot as this past couple weeks have been rough.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Poker on December 03, 2015, 05:10:49 AM
You're taking back you life.  Think about how huge that is.  Think about how much time this addiction has robber from you...

Be proud of yourself.  While you will not get the time back....  think of all the living that is in front of you.

Start making a bucket list....   Go Zip Lining...  Hiking...  Something on a Boat..   

Shit that you want to do that you would never just go out and do.  Think outside the box.  Start living.

Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on December 05, 2015, 04:55:44 AM
Hey Bob. Just checking in. Congratulations on making it to 30+ days brother. I read your posts often and I've just read some of your encouraging posts on other threads here. You're a great guy and a valued member of the nation so please keep sharing. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 05, 2015, 11:56:41 PM
Thanks Lyon,

Hadn't noticed that I was up to 30+ days. Had to check my spreadsheet as I didn't think I had gone that far.

Continue to work on it and hearing from others helps.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 06, 2015, 02:19:17 PM
Just had the glorious experience of making love to a real women; my lovely wife. I mention not to boast but to remind myself how wonderful this is in comparison to whacking willy in a dark room illuminated with only a monitor.

NO Comparison what so ever

If I can keep this dear to my heart I am truly on my way.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Poker on December 08, 2015, 04:23:26 AM
Just made me smile@!@! ;D


And now to return the favor.   It only gets better from here.   At the rate you're going, a year from now Mr Winkie down there will be Mr Automatic.  :)


Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 16, 2015, 10:18:50 PM
Traveled this past weekend. Was ready to act out and went into places that promote this type of behavior. Felt the same way the last time i went into a strip club. I paid my money, sat around thinking; why am I here? Didn't do anything. Might have but I didn't. Did the same thing on the return trip. Thought about it. Entered ready to act out. Didn't.

Not proud of this. It wasn't an accomplishment. I succeeded by default. Not a good way to go. Got to one point where I was looking for an ATM to get money that I typicality wouldn't spend. Ready to spend the big bucks... and I didn't. Glad but somehow I guess I wanted more of a feeling of success. Kind of stupid to even think this way.

Know I was playing with fire. Not the way to go. Not sure how to feel. Seem to be floating and trying to dock on an idea, concept or goal. Know where I should be headed. Just trying to turn around and move forward. Move forward in my mind as well as my heart. And, to be able to say that I rejected the opportunities. Not that they just didn't happen.

Rambling I know. Just sort of low.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on December 16, 2015, 11:43:25 PM
Don't feel bad bob, I've been looking on Craigslist, at the personals, looking at them thinking about acting, I wont. Is rather pmo, than I mess around with someone that could kill me. Hiv. I guess it's a little big of a rush. I'm proud of you bob. It would have been easy to blow a bunch of money, but you didn't.  Right now it's critical for us to stay focused. We want that high. It sucks, but we will get past it. Don't give in, I wont.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 17, 2015, 07:35:49 PM
Thanks for your thoughts. Just need to tell someone.

It really is weird how controlling this thing is.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: freshstart@40 on December 18, 2015, 10:31:03 AM
Stay strong guys, you are inspiration for beginners like me
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 19, 2015, 10:00:09 AM
Good morning folks.

Sitting at 5 days without MO. Goal is to beat (pun sorry) my goal of 9 days back in September. Got to be the hardest (sorry again) I have ever done.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 22, 2015, 10:24:53 PM
One more day and I have matched my best. 9 days without MO. Thinking bout lots of different things but I'm moving forward.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on December 23, 2015, 10:41:48 AM
Awesome bob. We sure have a tough battle,  but we are doing it. Keep your head up. One day at a time
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on December 23, 2015, 11:20:08 AM
Hey Bob....just read your recent posts....glad you are here and still in the fight.
Congratulations on 8 days.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 23, 2015, 11:56:07 AM
Seems like it constitutes a pretty small goal but i will take it anyway.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: unchained on December 23, 2015, 01:53:59 PM
Doing good Bob!  In the past, when I was able to keep MO at bay, it made staying away from P much much easier.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 07, 2016, 05:01:07 PM
Well, I thought I would check in as I haven't been active on RN for a while.

I made it 15 days without MO this past December. Longest I have gone in many years. Wasn't as bad as I had thought but I finally finished a big project and thought, what the heck. I was by myself and... well you know the story. Anyway, since then I MO'ed at least once, everyday. Then I read the about the potential benefits on YBOP. Some of them sound almost too good to be true. But, the some of them were backed up from research and I thought I should give it another go.

My goal will be to go 30 days without MO. Not going to start a counter or anything but I am going to work at it.

I did have another thing that happened that seemed really strange. I was out on the town with my wife (and a group) on New Years Eve and I had two different women seem to flirt with me. Mind you I am at an age where I am realistic about women automatically being attacked to me. My mind sometimes wonders about the possibilities but like I said, I'm realistic. I am also married so I don't want to stray. However, both of these women held eye contact more than the normal amount of time. I almost turned around to see who they were looking at. Anyway, it seemed strange. Nice, but strange.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 10, 2016, 05:07:25 PM
Currently in a funk. I would guess that depression is setting in. Not particularly thinking about PMO or MO but it doesn't seem far from my mind either.

Not sure what to do but plod along...

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 10, 2016, 05:50:41 PM
Moving along with the elimination of MO from my life. Seems amazing to even consider. It has been so long, most of my life actually.

I read about the surprising results from this type of venture; more energy, more out going, clear headed thinking. I wonder. Is it reality? Is it possible? Last month, I went for a total of 15 days straight. Not much time if forever is your goal but a lot if you have NEVER gone that long without MO. At the end of that stint, my decision to do it seemed almost secondary. It was like it was not big deal. My mind set was that I could have gone further but what the heck. Why not.

Anyway, back at it with 5 days behind me with a minimum goal to MO less than last month. Currently 6 times for this month. It would be better to have this the start of never again... we shall see.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on January 10, 2016, 09:08:18 PM
Hello Bob,

I'm on day 7 no MO, and I would never have considered it if I hadn't read all the negative stuff in the posts and on YBOP. I thought it was just the PMO that had to go. I know now that for me MO will just lead to the same bad behavior (dopamine rush and chasing), the same broken pattern. I need to change completely how I look at sex, pleasure, and masturbation. My goal is to have a fantasy free MO (which sound completely crazy too) where I just get off on my body's own pleasure and sensitivity. Not sure how long that will take...

Stay strong and congrats on your decision.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 10, 2016, 10:00:26 PM
Thanks Harry,

Seems strange doesn't it. After all these years, working to give up something that is so ingrained. But give up we must.

More power to you as well

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on January 11, 2016, 10:40:18 PM
Bob, wanted to connect with your journal. I've been loosely following your journey here, and am encouraged by your support of others.

Wanted to say, well done, man.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 12, 2016, 05:41:47 PM
Thank you Leon. It means a lot to hear you comments.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 15, 2016, 09:37:46 AM
Just checking in folks. I seem to be doing well. Days are passing by and I haven't PMO'ed or MO'ed. Have had fleeting moments where it crosses my mind. However, I recognize anything on the edge might just push me over. I remain cautious.

For that reason, I came up with personal reasons to stay away. Some are serious. Some are  selfish. Others were unexpected. Some are just plain fun.

They are all my reasons to keep going.

Reasons to take on a PMO, MO free life


Positive thoughts to all who are working through this process.

Peace.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on January 15, 2016, 09:00:16 PM
Bob, all these are excellent reasons given.

Remaining cautious, recognizing anything 'nearing the edge' is a worthy mindset.

Well done.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: sodonewithit on January 18, 2016, 10:28:45 PM
So glad to read those points Bob.  I had a hella run but funked up a little with the stress of life.  It's a funny game this but I'm glad to leach some inspiration from the good guys here.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 19, 2016, 11:00:41 PM
Working on the computer and I just did a search for some innocuous item and guess what pops up; a cover of a graphic novel (very graphic novel).

Man, that stuff is everywhere. Went a bit further but I recognized this hook that gets you started.

I stopped.

Not because I am strong. Not because I didn't want to look. I stopped because in the past, I haven't stopped. Following that quick peek, I would look for more. "What harm if I have already looked and I didn't PMO." Well I'll tell you. One peek began a search. One search morphed into similar searches. Those searches find other items you didn't think about but trigger a familiar feeling. Additional searches produced added "hot" material that made me think, "hey, I'd like to see... again." Make that jump and I would be off. I wouldn't stopped for quite a while.

Then, depression. "Why did I do that?" "Was that really worth it?" "Sure, the images were a turn on but is that the direction I want for my life?" I wouldn't return to RN for a while either. Embarrassed because of the reset, I would stay away.

Don't do it. Don't go there. Don't think about it even for just a little peek.

It really isn't worth it.

Peace brothers.

Addition to my original post...

This morning the feeling is really strong. This morning I woke from a dream that I had MO'ed and that I was considering going again. Felt bad that it would add 2 more checks to my chart taking it to 8 for the month. I have gone 15 days. At the edge of a record that 4 months ago I didn't think was possible. What a pain in the ass.

I know that Dope is the driving force but its hard to believe that a quick glance and the feelings rush back. Going out the door so it should stop it for now. Report back soon.

Think about me folks. It is now that I feel like the support is so helpful.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on January 20, 2016, 10:11:17 AM
Good job on stopping, Bob.

Good to recognize our patterns, and what are it's precursors. Disrupt it to where the habit itself is changed. If when X would happen, and then Y and Z are the resultant responses, change Y and Z to where they become no longer the predictable patterns they once were.

Reinforce your reasons for stopping, if necessary. Watch what ever videos, read what ever testimonials that help you to focus, that motivate you.

Wishing you well.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 25, 2016, 11:36:09 PM
Been struggling with thoughts of M for a while.

I understand this process needs to be more about lifestyle changes than purely abstinence, What has been a challenge is to understand how this new lifestyle can be addressed. I know that I need to exercise, meditate, and work with a myriad of activities. I just can't visualize the process.


However, there have been two different posts that really made me think. One post (not sure I remember who) stated that they just learned about the possibility of having Adult ADD. I have struggled with ADD all my life though I didn't know it until I was about 40 years old. Its no wonder  I had had self esteem issues. Sexual compulsion appears to be one of my methods of self medicating.  Anyway, just a shout out to that individual. I feel your pain and understand where you are coming from.

The other is a post regarding the book, "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. Recommended, it has been amazing. It has me rethinking my whole childhood; situations that happened which were tied to my introduction to sex. Those introductions were not positive. Might go into them later but it was an eye opener.

I am about half way through the book. It has provided the vision on how I can complete this lifestyle change. It even reinforces some of the concepts that I have been working with in counseling. While my therapist and I are not directly working with porn addiction, the process described in the book is very similar to what was suggested as a goal by my therapist, to write and reflect on my true feelings.

I had been to George Collins website previously and was a bit put off by it. Not sure what it was. It just didn't click for me. In a few of the videos he seemed a bit dogmatic. I couldn't relate.

No so with his book. The concepts and process seems to be right on the money.

It is late and I am rambling again. Will write more when my head is clear and I am more in the present. Thanks for being a part of this process. Whether you reply or not, you are a help to me in this recovery process.

Peace to one and all

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on January 26, 2016, 03:07:22 PM
Hey bob,

Thanks for all you thoughts and posts.

I've been struggling with thoughts of M, too. I know that as I near my goal of no MO for 30 days, IT expects a reward. IT keeps saying, "feed me, feed me, feed me, now!" I am not going to give in to the little bastard, so yes, it's all about abstinence right now for me. In fact, I fear, really, I know, I will have to go another 30 days with M.

But, I agree, this calls for an extreme lifestyle change. When I got sober years ago, I didn't realize it at the time, but I ended up changing everything. Over time, the triggers became easier and easier to ignore. This addiction is different (more like a food addiction) because we're still going to want sex and M. Tricky balancing act to be sure.

For me, I expect this process will take some time to form new, appropriate habits and new neural pathways. Lots of trial and error. I want to remain teachable and open to suggestion.

Stay strong
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on January 26, 2016, 06:20:59 PM
I understand this process needs to be more about lifestyle changes than purely abstinence, What has been a challenge is to understand how this new lifestyle can be addressed. I know that I need to exercise, meditate, and work with a myriad of activities. I just can't visualize the process.

Bob, take some time where you can be without distraction and actually give a significant time to this... get pen and paper, and write out all your goals, whatever it is that you used to want to do, to be. What kind of person have you always wanted to be? What is your dream career? What would it be like to be surrounded by a loving and trusting family? Take this time to write without boundaries, as if anything was possible.

Write whatever down, even if it doesn't seem possible right now. This will be your alternate you that will replace the 'you' that got addicted.

It will be this that you work toward, live for, and visualize deep in the night instead of porn-fantasies. When you get 'triggered' in the future, this is what you'll turn to instead of junk-sex.

Exercise your imagination, in each scene, imagine the smells, the textures, the atmosphere, the reactions of others to you, as vivid as you can make it.

Bring it into your reality, brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hans32 on January 27, 2016, 02:35:26 AM
Wow im inspired by this thread and your efforts.  I can relate very much.  I am glad your here also!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 27, 2016, 08:21:17 AM
Thank you.

I am struggling with anxiety a great deal right now. Not all related to PMO or M but it still has me a bit one edge.

It always brightens my day when i log on and see that someone as taken the time to post on my journal. Kind of crazy but it provides a great deal of support and caring. I guess in the long run it provided me with a feeling of love. Kind of like the "love you buddy," one might say to a dear friend.

You guys mean the world to me. I don't have the opportunity or desire to open up like this to many people. At RN I feel safe.

Thanks for being here and supporting me many whom I open up to so
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 28, 2016, 08:22:30 AM
Good news first...

Four days away from 90 days PMO free. This is an accomplishment. Not sure how long previous I made it during previous stints. I had two prior to this and they were for a good long time. However, that doesn't matter. What matters is I feel like I am going in a good direction and that I can see where my life with PMO has taken me. This alternative is much better. I just talked to my wife last night about how intense it is to make love to her. I feel like I could go on forever, getting lost inside her. Its never the same, always seems different, but the big O is more intense that it has ever been.

I still have a long way to go but I am encouraged by my path.

Now the bad news...

I typically have very little problem falling asleep. I almost have the ability to put my self in a delightfully enjoyable state of pre-sleep where I know I only have about 2 min and I will be gone. Still get up in the middle of the night. Maybe even a bit more frequently than I have when I was in my forties but overall, sleep has never been a problem.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Maybe I should have noticed that this was a trigger of sorts but I kept thinking about how great it would be to just "rub one out" and fall asleep. I have made it over 20 days without MO and it has recently plagued my mind. I eventually got up, did the deed, and went back to bed. Interesting thing is it wasn't anywhere near what I would have considered an intense experience.

Guess I need to reread this whenever I get future urges to stray.

My word to all of you is be strong. Those few seconds of what you think will be bliss may turn out to be a big disappointment; something that isn't worth the time or the diversion.

Thanks to all who view this post; both readers and fellow posters.

Peace to all brothers and sisters in this struggle to be free.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: now-man on January 28, 2016, 01:45:53 PM
Thanks for sharing this Bob. It's definitely a helpful perspective. I woke up in the night and my thoughts drifted to sex with a couple of my old hookup buddies. It was the first time I've even thought about that in a few months. I pulled my attention away after a minute. This morning I woke from a kind of intense sex dream with the biggest MW I can remember. It stayed for a couple minutes to the point that I got up to have a look, and was impressed - I'd forgotten I could get that big. I wasn't going to do anything with it, but I noticed the thought that it could lead me to want to. So your post is timely, I hear you. I'm just going to keep saving it for the real deal. Thank you Bob!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on January 29, 2016, 12:21:35 AM
Hey Bob,

Congrats on your upcoming milestone, and thanks for sharing your news.

Thoughts of MO have plagued my mind lately, too. 25 days without MO has got to be a record for me, and I'm just itching, itching to take my new dick for spin. Thanks for communicating that it wasn't the experience you expected cause my mind is convinced it'll be awesome. I do know that if I were to do it, I would have a big regret.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 03, 2016, 05:35:56 PM
Lots on my plate right now. I'm overwhelmed. To be real honest, I'm scared. Haven't been this depressed in a long time and I am not sure what to do.

Please keep me in your thoughts
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: now-man on February 03, 2016, 05:51:14 PM
Hang in there Bob. Is there any activity you can do now that will give you some space, a little peace of mind? Go outside for a walk, take a cold or hot shower?  I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 03, 2016, 06:09:46 PM
Thanks Now. I appreciate your thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Harry Molaski on February 03, 2016, 06:21:11 PM
Hey Bob,
Try to focus on the next action you want to take. However small that may be as long as it's not PMO. For example: going out to buy groceries. Great. Decide to accomplish that. Done? Check. Next task. Could be anything, but firmly decide to do it and take action. Eat. Drink. Breathe. Try not to ruminate, keep your focus tight and narrow. Don't stray into the thoughts, emotions and memories that don't serve you. To marinate your soul in those feelings is not the same as working through them. To focus and single-pointedly steer the ship away from the cliffs is not the same as suppressing your issues or denying them.
We're here for you bob, talk to us.
Harry
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: unchained on February 03, 2016, 06:24:45 PM
Hey Bob.  I appreciate the encouragement you have given to me in my journal.

Hang tough.  I don't know what you are going through, but usually the things we worry about the most never materialize.

I like Now-Man's cold shower suggestion.  Sometimes I feel like I'm some type of cold shower cheerleader around here, but they do help.  The improved mood is REAL...lasts all day, however it's the feeling of accomplishment that really gets me going.  Standing there with the knowledge that you can tough out uncomfortable situations...that you can man-up on it and do the things you set your mind to, even things that suck.  Five minutes is enough to make you feel like He-Man.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 03, 2016, 11:26:57 PM
Harry, Unchained,

Thank you so much for all of your concerns. Still rough but I think I am doing better. Been home alone sick since Sunday so my mind has had time to work. Sometimes that isn't as productive as one might think. Anyway, it feels good to know there are folks out their that care.

Harry, I do want to go into it further but its late now and I didn't sleep at all last night with the aches and pain of the flu.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Harry Molaski on February 04, 2016, 04:07:41 AM
Get well soon! Bone broth made with fresh ginger. Best flu medicine I've tried yet.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on February 04, 2016, 08:52:03 AM
Hi Bob,

Just want to send you a note to say that your comment 'I appreciate you' made the world to me yesterday.  I read it before I went to work and couldn't respond until now.

Bob, I know what you're going through.  I don't know the specifics but let me just say that from what I'm reading about PMO, Gabe talks about his depression from addiction in a video on YT, it's completely normal.  You have so many days under your belt my friend.  Yes, that's a huge feat.  I can't imagine what that must feel like, I'm 20 years into this porn addiction man.  I'm only on day 2! 

People change and they go through all the shit that has been backed up like a clogged pipe for years...all the sediment and garbage and crap.  It just clogged your emotions.  Our bodies aren't built that way to keep things in, it releases. 

Bob: I've been homeless, sexually abused, abandoned at 18 from my mom and dad (they're dead now, but they're ones who were supposed to love me the most and never did), and I almost died a couple times.  I somehow managed to not be a drug addict, alive, healthy (no diseases!) and I have an amazing life now.  I wake up actually loving the day.  You're not alone whatever you're going through.

Lastly, just know you're loved. 

Yours,
TWW
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 04, 2016, 09:14:20 AM
Thank you for your kind words. We can do amazing things, can't we. You are proof.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 07, 2016, 11:09:00 PM
On May 5th, 2015, I had just finished my #5 session of PMO.

Must have been an immensely erotic session to capture my energy, waste my time, and destroy my life. The imagery, the video, the bodies on screen, the positions or the paring of the actors; it had to be utterly amazing. Only problem, like previous sessions, the visions I attempted to burn into my cranial hard drive seemed a bit hazy, a bit dim. If I could just have another look, could I get it all back?  How disgusting could I be? Was this what I wanted with my life?

I was done with PMO. I started my RN Journal, and I was off to a new life without Porn. I had spent time on the RN website and I had read of other brothers and sisters who had made it 5 days, 14 days, 30 days. If they could do it, so could I. If I make it for 30 days, I wouldn’t have to worry. I would be home free. I knew others had struggled but I (naively) thought I wouldn’t have any problems. If I could just get some days behind me, I would be OK.

Now I look at my own record. I’m getting close to 100 days. Seems like I am doing great. If I was to believe myself when I started back in May, I should be close to home free. However, since May, I have relapsed over 4 times. I have been ashamed. I have wanted to quit the process. I have been embarrassed to come back to RN and show my face. I have struggled with MO, and to be honest, elimination of MO needs to be tied to my particular recovery.

So now I realize how delicate this run has been. It's a constant challenge. It’s an everyday fight. Once an individual starts they must never give up. I must never give up. I continue to struggle but i must never give up.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Harry Molaski on February 08, 2016, 03:45:34 AM
Thank you bob. This is an important point for all of us!
I've seen many alcoholics make the mistake of thinking 'it's been such a long time, one drink won't hurt'. A recovering alcoholic can never, ever drink a drop again. For life. Since the scientists seem to be saying fundamentally there's only one addiction, whatever type of substance or behavior is causing us to mess up our brain function doesn't matter. Addiction is addiction. I've come to the conclusion that this means no more P for the rest of my life. Now this can be a frightening idea: forever...
That's why AA takes things one day at a time. A lesser known recovery method, Rational Recovery, states that you can also do this trick: promise yourself all the drink you like in 100 years from now. That is based on the theory that the addiction (the 'Addictive Voice') is based in the part of the brain we share with animals, so it has no concept of time. I like the RR method since it's based on brain studies and science. Unfortunately they are fanatically opposed to the 12 step program of AA. Rational Recovery's method to deal with the addict's inner tug of war is very useful however and deserves a wider audience.
Harry
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 10, 2016, 08:10:08 AM
Thanks for the thought of 100 years from now I can PMO all I want. Its an interesting comment that I have been mulling around in my mind. I could even shorten it to 50 years and I think I would be safe.

Continue to follow your progress. You are in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on February 10, 2016, 11:16:11 AM
Hey Bob,

Look at you, look at that counter! 99 days awesome. Who's better than you? Triple digits are just around the corner.

I really like this new tactic from Harry. Hell, not only can I masturbate, like, forever in 50 years, but I can drink, smoke, and do drugs. All at the same time. Hallelujah!

I'm going to have to do a little research into this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on February 10, 2016, 04:39:15 PM
Bob, your journal is amazing and you are a great help to anyone who crosses your path here. If you can get to 100 days after going 45 years without getting past 24 hours, then anyone can take that and be inspired. Congratulations on reaching the century mark. You are greatly loved.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 10, 2016, 09:08:40 PM
Hey Chile, Thanks! I actually forgot that I was getting that close to 100 days. Kind of feels good.

Had something crazy happen to me over the weekend. I was working on cleaning the house and I thought it might be helpful to listen to a Porn Addition Pod Cast. Well, not thinking, i went to the apps store and started the search for Trigger Alert an appropriate pod cast. I started type in P, O, R, N, and the following popped up, Porno Free. Well, I want to be free of porn so I clicked on it. I never really got into looking at porn on my phone (guess I liked the big monitor) so when it popped up with so many different porn options and triggers, my addict inside started to scan the screen as fast as he could. I on the other hand, I chuckled and clicked off to exit. I got out of there as quick as I could, much to my addicts frustration, . Felt kind of stupid when I realized that I was in the wrong place. I needed to be looking for porn addition pod casts Trigger Alert Over  Could have been a big mistake but it ended up being a joke on me. As I said, it felt kind of stupid but i am glad I reacted like I did.

Keep going guys. Your thoughts and comments in your own journals have a great deal of power. They speak to many of us as we work on this crazy additive behavior.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Harry Molaski on February 11, 2016, 05:57:26 AM
Hi bob,

Congratulations on reaching this milestone! Among other things, that is 100 days of helping so many others overcome their addiction.

Your podcast story shows how much you've achieved. You
Quote
chuckled and clicked off to exit
That is great, no reason to feel stupid at all. You should feel proud. I am still light years away from that level of stability.

Harry
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 12, 2016, 12:49:35 PM
Had another insistence that I could only call a Click Trigger. This is something that comes up fast, completely out of nowhere. Something that you would want to stay away from if you knew you would be anywhere close.

When I dialed into a conference call this morning at work I automatically type in 800 when it was actually suppose to be 855. My conference call started out with a sultry voice that said, "Hey there Hotstuff. mmm, I've been waiting... Click, just like that I was triggered. I hung up immediately but it affected me more that I care to admit.

Crazy.


Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: freshstart@40 on February 13, 2016, 04:40:45 AM
Belated congratulations on 100 days bob
You're an inspiration
Be strong
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on February 13, 2016, 05:13:02 AM
Hey Bob, great to read your thread. 100+ under the belt. Fantastic. Well done. You are an inspiration to me as I venture in this direction day at a time. I know for me when things get a bit hairy it is usually because I have drifted out of being in the moment. The mind then becomes agitated building its favourite monsters. Regularly taking the time to calm the mind and return it to 'neutral' has been so useful to me. The light comes in and the datkness has no choice but to slip away.
Thank you Bob for your support over this difficult period for me. Your presence has been invaluable. FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 13, 2016, 11:19:38 AM
Thanks all for the congratulations on my 100+ day run. I appreciate your support.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 16, 2016, 11:09:11 PM
Greetings all,

I have been wondering if I am spending too much time here. I know I need support in the process. I understand that I gain a lot from others. I am just wondering if the time I spend here makes me dwell on the addiction instead of moving me away from it.

Just wondering out loud.

I do appreciate the support I have received from everyone here.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hans32 on February 17, 2016, 12:56:52 AM
I hear you about dwelling here as a way to stay in the addiction rather than risk venturing forth.  I worry the same thing sometimes.  I know that I dont have the 'answer' but I do mirror the experience.  For me its reflective of how I want to be free from my addiction and dependency.  There is fear in depending on this site s much as I depended on porn.  But beyond these venues, what does my life look like?  I work, I study, I have cats, I go to 12 step meetings, I have clients and Im in therapy.  And i still have fears anyway, I guess id rather have them without porn than with...
I hope your gleaning understanding of what you need here.
I certainly appreciate your posts!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on February 17, 2016, 02:33:34 PM
I think that becomes a legitimate question at some point, but there is no doubt your posts help others.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Bango Skank on February 19, 2016, 03:54:40 PM
I think that becomes a legitimate question at some point, but there is no doubt your posts help others.

If I were a religious man I would insert an "amen brother" under this post.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 19, 2016, 06:03:43 PM
Bango and Chile,

Your thoughts and comments mean a great deal to me.

It seems that I have gotten to a point in my sobriety where ignorantly think, "What was the big deal with this abstinence thing?" I  assumed that I was getting to a point where I feel comfortable and together, that the pull of porn would be reduced. Not the case for me now. I'm currently struggling with the thoughts and fantasies of the past. I am constantly being triggered and tested

I work in an environment where I am constantly around young people. This means that a good deal of them are women. I work to advert my eyes but its difficult.

Its funny. In the past when I would hear that someone was trying to advert their eyes, I thought, man that is stupid. If a beautiful women is there and the are front and center, you might as well look. Now I know shouldn't. I use the half a heart gesture and try and think of my wife. It helps but its hard to do consistently.

I don't know...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: now-man on February 19, 2016, 06:18:57 PM
Hey Bob,

Just want to thank you for your support. I've been following your thread and really appreciate your honesty and kindness. You are a thoughtful and humble man.

I too sometimes wonder if I come to this forum a little addictively. I think there's an aspect of that going on for me. All I can say is that what I get when I come here is helpful and positive, supporting my reboot. I sense the same is true for you.

And I like having your presence here!

Wishing you well brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on February 20, 2016, 12:11:51 AM
 Hey Bob
I know just what your saying about attractive women at work. (also at gym, church, driving, grocery store etc.) I have had complete conversations where all I could do was focus on not looking down. I all I could think was please stop talking to me. As my attitude about porn changed I realized how much I looked at women objectively. And how it wasn't just an inner thought because I was communicating that objectivity to them weather I wanted to or not, non-verbally. When you change the things you look at, the things you look at change.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on February 20, 2016, 03:11:44 AM
Hi Bob, you are an inspiration to me on this forum and it would certainly be a loss if you decided not to visit so often. Your posts help me a great deal.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling and as I only have a week's clean time under my belt, I'm not sure what advice I can offer. What has helped me this week has been trying to control what thoughts dominate my mind. I have failed so many times at rebooting it has become a joke! But each time I relapse I am more or less doing the same thing - trying to NOT use. Avoidance and supression, for me, make the obsession with porn stronger.

So I have been experimenting this week, sitting down quietly for 20 mins each morning and envisioning that I am already fully recovered from this addiction. Actually feeling that I have finally conqured it. I am basically trying to trick my brain into thinking I have finally gotten over porn.

I am doing this because I have read from many reputable sources that what you anticipate in your mind, you create in reality. Anticipate negative, you create negative. Anticipate positive, you create positive.

Anyways, as I say, I only have a few days off porn so I can't really say how I'm going to be in 100 days time! But thought I'd share with you what I've read during my quest to find a solution to this insidious condition called porn addiction.

Stay strong bud :-)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on February 20, 2016, 04:28:19 AM
Hey Bob, thank you for your honesty. One thing I really appreciate about your posts is your willingness to lay out how it is for you. I really get where you are coming from as everyone will. I love iqqq comment "When you change the things you look at, the things you look at change.^ so true.
I would like to share something with you. I have recently come through with something like this. Being triggered in a work environment and feeling very uncomfortable with myself for it. But why am I being upset? Its not the seeing that is the problem. Ir is the intention of the gaze. I am gazing with lustful intention, innappropriate attention, or intention to have and possess what is not mine. Where does all this come from?.. an agitated mind. So for me attending to agitated mind through meditation and prayer changed everything. Then last week I had a curious experience where the same stimulus arose and it was only after the event I realized I hadnt even seen it. My mind wasnt triggered because the agitation in my mind wasnt there for the stimulus to trigger anything! It was a lightbulb moment for me. 'Attend to the condition of the mind and the external object will look after itself' that was the lesson I learnt from my experience. I hope it is helpful to you Bob. Cheers. FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on February 22, 2016, 10:20:56 PM
Hey Bob....I just want to add that I am really glad you are here. Your posts are helpful to me.

When I first came here...I was here every day....sometimes multiple times a day.

Now, I go a few days in between being here...but I have found that it is really, really helpful to me to be here and to read what others are posting. I usually can identify with 90% of what other guys write here.

I also receive the most encouragement here. I know you have to do what is best for you...but I am very glad that you have been here and thankful for all you have written.

Thanks.
NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on February 22, 2016, 10:32:19 PM
Thanks Guys,

Thank you everyone. When I think of the support and caring I have received here it is absolutely amazing. To think that a bunch of guys (and girls) from all over the world, can be open, honest, caring, and supportive regarding something that all have done, but none of us are proud of is beyond comprehension. We have all kept our shame buried and here at RN we feel comfortable enough to open up, to tell our story, to admit when we slip, and to rejoice when we succeed.

Your friendship means the world to me.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 02, 2016, 10:32:30 AM
Just a quick note to touch base. Seems like I am being triggered lately. Not sure how to address it but I thought writing might help.

My current history:
Last official PMO was back on Nov. 2nd. Previous to that I had relapsed a couple of times, often after many days under my belt. Well, as of today, I have made it quite a while. Since that date I have had some questionable experiences and activities. Didn't completely relapse so I didn't count them as PMO.  Wasn't involved with Internet Porn.

Did count each MO session though. That seemed to be my main emphasis at this point so I tried to improve and not beat myself up if I slipped. The goal was to improve.

November   22 MO/month with 2 PMO on 11/2/15
December   13 MO/month
January        7 MO/month
February       8 MO/month
March           (the month is young so we shall see)

   
Couple points I would like to make:

I am amazed at the support I have received here at RN. I consider all of you my friends. You folks mean the world to me. I feel like I can tell you anything and I will not be judged or ashamed.

Peace and love to all the brothers and sisters who make this site possible. Together we have been able to accomplish amazing things... A life that is PMO free
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on March 02, 2016, 11:07:11 AM
Bob,

Thanks for continuing to care for the other guys on this site and for being an encouragement to us all. In reading your post I am able to cut myself a little slack. For me, any combination of P M or O would mean a reset on my counter. I will probably keep the same criteria for my counter, but you have reminded me that my reboot has had some success to go with all the lapses. Still a long way to go, but guys like you remind me I have some miles on my odometer.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on March 02, 2016, 11:30:03 AM
Hey Bob,

I really appreciate your thought provoking post. Congrats on 120 days. That's awesome!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on March 02, 2016, 12:05:13 PM
Bob I'm absolutely blown away by how honest your last post was. You shared some powerful stuff my friend, and so openly. Bravo. That's some good recovery right there my friend. You also wrote:

"I still seem to be searching for something to take me to the next level. I currently fight the "what's the big deal" addictive voice in my head. Need to address the multifaceted levels of my addition. While porn was paramount, sex toys and acting out in public places has also been a problem. Because these actives have been infrequent with many days in between, I haven't truly addressed them."

I'm no expert but I'll try to help by sharing my own experience. I too found that my reboot stalled around the 100-120 day mark I think. It felt like there was a void left because I'd stopped with the porn and masturbation. But I still felt like there was something else. These steps helped me immensely:

1. Read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. If you really want to go deep with your addiction, look no further than this book.

2. Did steps 4-9 from www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (also called "PAA"). These steps involved doing a moral inventory, making a list of all people I've harmed, and then making amends with those I'd harmed. It was like hitting re-set on my life. It was liberating.

3. Getting a sponsor/sobriety partner. Talking to someone about porn addiction via telephone or Skype was a huge help. It brought a more human element than just posting.

4. Attending Weekly phone-in meetings of Porn Addicts Anonymous. I was terrified at first but the meetings have become a huge part of my continued recovery.

I agree with you that connecting with others in an honest, non-judgemental, and caring way has helped my recovery. I recently saw some videos that said, "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." So you're living proof of this point. I hope that helps in some way my friend.

Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on March 02, 2016, 06:16:11 PM

November   22 MO/month with 2 PMO on 11/2/15
December   13 MO/month
January        7 MO/month
February       8 MO/month
March           (the month is young so we shall see)

   
  • I am not where I want to be yet but things are improving. Really wanted to have each consecutive month with a reduced number of MO's. February didn't work that way but the future is before me.

I don't know, Bob. You list only 1 extra day of MO for February than January, and I think that's right in line with the trend seen here where you've effectively cut your use down over half since last November. So, I think that February continues your impressive trend.

Thanks for sharing this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 03, 2016, 09:02:35 AM
Bob, your post was so insightful.  Especially what you said:  'I still seem to be searching for something to take me to the next level. I currently fight the "what's the big deal" addictive voice in my head.'

This is my biggest hurtle, I'm only 21 Days..but this seems to be loudest voice.  Not sure what I'm going to do about it.  I'm too ashamed to Skype with PAA in fear of being found out, and I have trust issues galore.

I love your honestly.  My best friend watches the show 'Elementary' where the main character is Sherlock Holmes but in rehab for heroin.  He said the following about his addiction.  I think it's brilliant. 

Sherlock Holmes: If you must know, Watson, I've been feeling a little bit down of late. It's the process of maintaining my sobriety. It's repetitive. And it's relentless. And above all, it's tedious. When I left rehab, I... I accepted your influence, I committed to my recovery. And now, two years in, I find myself asking, 'is this it?' My sobriety is simply a grind. It's just this leaky faucet that requires constant maintenance, and in return offers only not to drip.

Dr. Joan Watson: You have your work, you have me. You're alive.

Sherlock Holmes: I've told myself that many times. So many times, it has become unmoored from all meaning. Odd. I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again, it would in fact be an anticlimax. It would be a surrender to the incessant drip, drip, drip of existence.

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What can I do to help? Do you want to talk more, do you want to maybe speak to Alfredo?

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I think perhaps I will see Alfredo. But in any case, I shan't be using drugs this evening.


It's just a leaky faucet that in return only offers not to drip. 

Keep going brother.  You're doing incredible and you're an inspiration to myself and everyone on here. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on March 03, 2016, 10:06:03 AM
Bob....i'm inspired by your successes.

Thank you for walking away from pmo, and for coming here and sharing about your life.

I really appreciate your honesty.

I am really glad you are here.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 05, 2016, 12:17:19 PM
Good morning folks,

My wife and I have been really sick these past few days. We haven't left the house or done anything even remotely active. I wake up and I have a ankle that is so stiff, it feels like I have sprained it. The pain was so great I was thinking I would have troubles with this for a while.

I go hobbling down the stairs and my wife asks, "what happened?" The only thing I can think of is very embarrassing but I tell her anyway. "I think I hyper extended my foot while masturbating." Her response? A good-natured chuckle that was neither mean or condescending. Her comment?  "I hopes it feels better soon."

How did I deserve someone so supportive and understanding?

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 07, 2016, 04:01:56 PM
Been thinking about everyone lately; all of the individuals who come to RN to work through the various issues relating to unhealthy sexual actions or addictions.

Here we are a group working towards a common goal. In our personal lives we have different challenges, different goals, different responsibilities. We are broken and we are whole. We are male, we are female.  We are a rainbow of colors and nationalities. We believe or choose not to believe many different religions. We vary in our sexual orientation. We are a close group but we all very different people.

The elimination of porn doesn't automatically fix everything. The goal is to live without porn. It is the freedom of spirit to face life's challenges without porn. We need to resist porn's lure of connection and happiness. Porn promises to relieve our pain but porn's promise is empty and without hope. The true goal, the true hope, is to live a live without porn and through this experience learn to love and connect with real people.

My heart goes out to everyone here as each of us aw we learn to live our lives to the fullest.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 07, 2016, 05:00:11 PM
Fantastic thread Bob. There is so much I can learn from in it :-)

Stay strong brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on March 07, 2016, 05:08:31 PM
I'll bet that your caring for others has served you well in your reboot. Peace Bob!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 08, 2016, 11:14:21 AM
Been thinking about everyone lately; all of the individuals who come to RN to work through the various issues relating to unhealthy sexual actions or addictions.

The elimination of porn doesn't automatically fix everything. The goal is to live without porn. It is the freedom of spirit to face life's challenges without porn. We need to resist porn's lure of connection and happiness. Porn promises to relieve our pain but porn's promise is empty and without hope. The true goal, the true hope, is to live a live without porn and through this experience learn to love and connect with real people.

My heart goes out to everyone here as each of us aw we learn to live our lives to the fullest.

This is incredibly well said and beautiful.  This 'goal' you speak of above isn't a thing you hold in your hand.  It's more than that.  It's a lifestyle decision that affects your choices and who we are as people.  It's a positive life force within us and we can choose it, if we want. 

Porn we can't ever forget is powerful.  It's astonishing the profits attributed to the porn industry.  Broken people hurting each other over and over again to put dinner on the table and pay their bills.  My heart goes out to everyone here as well as we move forward in this. 

Peace to you buddy.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 08, 2016, 11:42:36 AM
Thank you everyone; camus, Chile. Your thoughts are comments always help to support and comfort me. Window, your words warm my heart. If only I was able to be as strong as I want to appear

Today I am scared. When i previously would see someone at 100 plus days, I  would automatically think, wow, this person has it together. As I see myself, I am unable to even listen to my own words of encouragement.



Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on March 09, 2016, 12:06:23 PM
We all struggle with listening to our own words of encouragement. When that happens, listen to encouraging words from others! You have helped everyone who has read your journal, as well as wherever you have commented on other journals. Keep up the great reboot brother! Besides, feeling strong is oftentimes highly overrated.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 10, 2016, 03:43:41 AM
Hey Bob, how you doing? I've never got to your length of time so that is completely unknown territory for me. I have managed to stay off alcohol for nearly 10 years however, and I can say my brain has fully re-wired where this drug is concerned. I hardly ever think of drinking, no matter how bad I feel.

I guess what I'm trying to say is have faith mate. Even though you may feel scared at the moment, it will pass. Pain always precedes growth.

You give me encouragement Bob and it's good to have you on this forum.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 10, 2016, 09:13:27 AM
Camus,

I am doing OK. I continue to spend an inordinate amount of time on this site. Sometimes I wonder if I am substituting RN for porn. In reality, I don't care. Anything that will take me away from PMO and MO are positives in my book. The thought that I can get past this is enough to keep me going.

Been struggling with MO more recently. Noticed the consequences through the ugly head of DE, surfacing briefly during a love making session with my wife. She has always said that Bad Sex is a bit of a misnomer but is definitely more intense and pleasurable when not dealing with frequent bouts of MO.

Peace to you and all my brothers
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 16, 2016, 03:45:47 AM
Hey Bob, hope you're doing well. Just thought I'd check in with you.

Peace to you my friend.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 16, 2016, 07:46:10 AM
Hey Bob,

Just wanted to say 'Thank You' again on your encouragement this past week bud.

I know exactly what you're saying about that chaser effect of MO'ing following an orgazem with a partner.  Looks like for me anyway this is going to be a challenge in the future.  I almost want to reset my counter as I went 32 days of no MO.  Felt invincible. 

May I ask: what is DE?

Keep going my friend, this forum I am realizing is truly helpful for me.  :)

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 17, 2016, 11:54:21 PM
Hey Window.

DE is delayed ejaculation.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 18, 2016, 11:56:59 AM
Thanks man, I didn't know.   :-\

Hope you're doing well Bob.  Staying strong and knowing the triggers.   Today is a better day than yesterday. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 18, 2016, 07:21:37 PM
Don't know what is going on. Last weekend sucked big time, work related. Hasn't been much better throughout the week. I just don't know. I'm just not sure how to feel.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 20, 2016, 05:57:56 PM
Hey Bob, hope things are better now? Sometimes it's hard to ride life's ups and downs with no 'medicine' to relieve the stresses and strains!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: now-man on March 21, 2016, 12:32:49 AM
Hey Bob,

I see your counter is reset. I imagine that was difficult. I'm sending you love and support. You're a good man and I'm grateful for your presence here.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 21, 2016, 11:15:56 AM
Hey Bob,

I second'd that.  This is not easy and sometimes we slip.  I just don't want you to be hard on yourself.  We've all been there.

You are a good person. 

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 22, 2016, 04:02:43 PM
Hi Bob, would like to echo Window's and Now-Man's sentiments. I am sorry you had to reset, but wow, what an achievement to get tp where you got to.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on March 22, 2016, 10:20:55 PM
Bob,

We don't really know each other except what we read on this site. That being said I want you to know that I respect you for the fact that you are here and looking to make your life better. I applaud your past efforts and all the encouraging words you selflessly share with other members. We have all learned from your posts and have been up lifted and consoled by your words. You are now reset and starting a new journey. With the experience and knowledge you have gained from this site and members I know that this new journey will be easy. Thank you for your honesty and integrity and know that we are all here to better our lives and without each other it would be a much more difficult road to follow. If there is ever anything I can do for you, just give a shout and I will do my best to help.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 23, 2016, 10:41:37 PM
Thanks guys. Appreciate your comments.

Made it almost 140 days before the fall. Amazing to get that far in the process. Only thing is the goal is to leave this life of porn behind... forever. Somehow that is what I need to get back to; a commitment to make a change forever.

Regarding my return to the addictive behavior; knew that I was going to relapse.  I knew I was going to slip. I had been thinking about it for quite some time. It was almost as if I was questioning a return to that particular lifestyle. How would I react?  Is this whole thing of porn really that big a deal? After all, it had been so long. What it would be like?

Well I returned to that lifestyle. I looked at the coveted websites. I saw the video clips that I thought were so titillating. I immersed myself into fantasies and actions that I thought would provide my most intense sexual experience. And my PMO wasn't a onetime event. I quickly fell into a behavior that had me finding ways to be by myself. I would act out, repeat and PMO again.

Can I now stop and return to my sobriety? Its not going to be easy.

Here are some things that I realized I had not experienced in quite a while.

I now know that a life away from PMO means a life away from MO as well. It's going to be hard. I am not sure how to get to that point. I have to fundamentally change who I am and what I want to do with my life.

I need to devote myself to my wife, my family, my job... my life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jailbird on March 24, 2016, 11:38:44 AM
Hey Bob.
As you say, wife and family are why we do this.

To paraphrase Samuel Beckett:
Fail again, fail better.

I have failed once since rebooting. I know I will relapse again but  I'm not entirely focused on days.
I think relapsing, and learning from it, may be of greater value  than just clocking up more and more green numbers on your PMO counter
JB
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on March 24, 2016, 03:10:42 PM
Hey Bob!  You do not have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Tell yourself you are going to succeed.  Self talk a lot.  Focus on your success, not I know I will relapse.  You CAN do this.  It is important to focus outside of you.  Do not turn inward.  Focus on being a good person.  Being a good dad, a good husband, a good human.  Write in a journal every night the good things about you and your life.  Read it over every night as you start to write.  Even if you write the same things that are good every day, you reinforce yourself as you read them.  I prefer writing not typing because it engages more senses.  And reading it out loud is optimal.  Soon you will no longer focus on those negative thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: thewhitewindow on March 24, 2016, 04:13:10 PM
^^^ Amen to Gracie's comment.  Couldn't have said it better.  It'll feel cheesy as hell but over time, the weeds will grow over our old neuropathways we're so used too.  It'll be like having a new set of tools.   Sounds hard to believe, but our brains are malleable and change over time.

Stay Strong, and I'm very proud of you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 28, 2016, 06:19:36 PM
Thank you Window. Thank you Gracie, I will work to get back to my personal journal book that I have used in the past.

To all my other RB friends; I'm back. Not particularly confident but I will be telling myself I can do this. I will write later to describe my past couple weeks. I think it might be helpful for others. I really saw a change in myself. Didn't expect it to be so dramatic but I did change. Revert is a better term. I became what I was and I didn't really like the result.

Please think of me....
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on March 28, 2016, 09:18:56 PM
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts!  You are stronger than porn! You can succeed! 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on March 29, 2016, 12:43:53 AM
Glad you're back, Bob!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 29, 2016, 05:18:29 AM
Harry, Gracie,

I appreciate your thoughts. Today is the day that a change is made. Today I move forward into a new life. Today is a day without Porn
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jailbird on March 29, 2016, 06:23:39 AM
Hey Bob. Please , if you have the time and its not too painful, explain what led up to your relapse.
In came very close this past weekend and again this morning. It really helps lesrning from others on this forum.

You are not alone and congrats on starting over (and not throwing all your hard work away).
JB
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 29, 2016, 07:15:42 AM
Hey JB,

My triggers seem to be numerous. I think that I had been going so long that I somehow had a "romanticized" memories of PMO. I had been MO'ing and kind of got to the point where I felt; what the hell. Once I started back into a PMO pattern, I couldn't stop. What i just wanted to try again became sessions that would last for hours and would repeat 3 times a day. It's as if I had made a new commitment to return to my previous lifestyle. Funny thing is that 140 days seems like a long time next to 5,500 days, a 15 year estimate of PMO.

Anyway, I started looking at P-subs. Something about that female jiggle that really gets me started. That, and I began visiting adult novelty shops when on the road. I would go in and look over sexual toys and let my mind go. This didn't lead directly to PMO but it brought it to my mind more frequently. Time by myself was also a killer.

Why did I start again? I am not sure if I can identify the turning point. It seemed to be a lot of things. A sexy "check out these boob bloopers" on the internet. Heck, I have even been triggered by those plush blankets or an elastic hair band I notice on the side of the road. Being alone was also a trigger. This morning my wife left for work and I am by myself. This would typically be an automatic PMO session that would last at least 1-1.5 hours of edging before what I would hope was a grand O. Afterwards, I was always wanted to take a nap. It never gave me the energy that I expected. The intensity of the O was there but it didn't satisfy me. I always wanted more. I always felt like I didn't find the right video, the right women, the right male, the best body part, the most intense story line. If i could have just... It was never, ever enough.

If I was to guess the reason for my relapse I would say it was because of the following:

Not sure if that describes my fall but I think it at least touches points of concern I have had with this whole process.

If I was to identify my most noticeable attributes associated with a return to PMO I would say I immediately returned to objectify females. I also started to say to my wife, "you go on ahead and go to bed. I will be up in an minute." That separation and isolation is not good for depression, emotional well being, or connecting with people in general.

Long story short, I feel that i need to eliminate masturbation from my life. It will be a challenge but it needs to go. That seemed to be the first step in my relapse.

Sorry for the rambling reply. This is really hard to sort out in my head.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on March 29, 2016, 12:01:00 PM
Hey Bob, just to add my voice to the choir of support. 140 days. That is a massive a achievement! So well done for that.

Much learning happened in that time and none of it is lost. Every time we rise again we rise stronger and more resolute.
I found taking the time to do a written analysis of all the conditions internal and external that led up to acting out was helpful. The impact it had on my mind, body, spirit, relationships work etc. Bringing these patterns to the fore and exposing them helps to begin the process renewing sobriety.
If you are not part of a local face to face support group I highly reccommend that step.
Keep well my friend.
FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on March 29, 2016, 02:04:27 PM
Hey Bob, thanks for coming back and thanks for describing your relapse process. I identify with it all - particularly using P-Subs and MO - they are to the porn addict what low alcohol beer is to the alcoholic.

Quote
Regarding my return to the addictive behavior; knew that I was going to relapse.  I knew I was going to slip. I had been thinking about it for quite some time. It was almost as if I was questioning a return to that particular lifestyle. How would I react?  Is this whole thing of porn really that big a deal? After all, it had been so long. What it would be like?

This is exactly the kind of thinking which has led to my 100s of relapses over the past 5 or 6 years. I get to around a month PMO free, and a voice in my head will start selling the virtues of a PMO session in many subtle ways.

https://rational.org/index.php?id=1

The link I posted above discusses this voice in a lot of depth and has helped me over the last few weeks.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on March 29, 2016, 02:11:30 PM
Hey Bob,
 Let me just say that you have been a huge inspiration to me and the encouragement / feedback you have given me is priceless.
Part of what has been my problem is thinking about triggers too much and dwelling on sexual thoughts. If I could just have the thought and move
on I would be much better off. What ends up happening is I have the thought, and like you it can be sparked by tons of things, and I don't shake it and the ball starts rolling down the hill into the abyss. This time around, being mindful of this has helped me to understand the importance of what I think about on the tightrope I walk everyday.   
As long as we keep trying we have not failed and there is hope for a brighter day.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 29, 2016, 08:19:45 PM
Yea!

I made it for my first 24 hours. Sounds crazy but it really means a lot to me to make it to this point. Hey, if I can do it, you can too.

Keep it up all you rebooters.

Peace brothers and sisters
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jailbird on March 30, 2016, 01:05:26 AM
Bob.

Big up yourself for making the first day. No mean achievement - there are millions out there who cant make it through an afternoon (we were like that, remember?)

Thanks a big one for properly explaining the the last few days of pain. That you say you had a romanticised view of the PMO inferno - that is very very illuminating and something I can relate to . It also makes me more aware of it and might help me in the future.

It is also really useful for to see you compare the amount of days you were free (was it 150 or so? - wow, thats a lot) with the number of days (over 5000!) you were frazzling away to yourself in the shadows. That is a staggering comparison and a real wake up shake up.

And "P-Subs". Another term that is part of reboot parlance, a new one for me but one which i relate to. Sadly, our world is full of P-Subs and your story has brought into sharp relief the dangers. Triggers are of course part of the journey for all of us.

You say it was depression, stress. I think thats it - I never wanted to PMO when I had gotten the new job, or when my son was born, or when that pay rise was announced. I guess we need to find a better way to deal with the hard times. I have mine, which sometimes overlap into a trigger happy view, so I must be careful.

You are now back in control after the wobble. Congratulations Bob.

JB
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 30, 2016, 09:42:53 AM
Thank you JB,

I am always excited to see someone has responded to my comments. Big boost in the category of self worth which relates to how we address this issue of PMO and our addiction.

We continue to move forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on March 31, 2016, 01:03:50 AM
Bob,

Awesome to see you posting again and congrats on the new progress, I am sure I speak for all members here in saying welcome back and great job.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on March 31, 2016, 10:57:19 AM
Hey Bob.
Congrats on 1st 24 hours. Every moment is worthy of celebration. I am so happy to hear you celebrate your first 24hrs. I remember doing exactly the same on this last and current reboot as I clawed out the pit moment by moment. Savour and remember these moments. We forget them too easily. I say this now in my current state of complacency as triggers and urges creep in.
Reminding oneself of the celebration of each day and every moment is so important.

Thank you for helping me Bob. Keep up the fight. FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 31, 2016, 09:36:17 PM
Thanks FF. It truly is a process.

Short post this evening. Have had a difficult couple of days. Frustration with work issues as well as trying to accomplish everything at home. Still running clean and pure. No PMO and no MO. That is the way it needs to stay.

Peace to all who are working through the process.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on April 01, 2016, 01:08:28 AM
Keep going you are doing well!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 01, 2016, 02:37:06 PM
I continue to work the process here. I realize that I need to be on the hard mode. That is hard mode unless my wife wants to be intimate. There are so many little things that connect use to our addiction that I personally need to eliminate all forms of sexual stimulation. Basically, don't touch yourself unless you have to do three things.

Seriously, keep your hands off the merchandise.

Have a good weekend folks. All of you guys/gals are a lifesaver for me during this whole process.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on April 01, 2016, 06:01:19 PM
Hey Bob,

I couldn't agree more. Those damn wandering hands. Just stay away from it. Checking for MW is dangerous for me as I usually have to pry my hands off of it. Very tough.

MO is my biggest issue, and I find it really difficult when I'm in bed (I live alone). The weekends are the worst because I don't have to hop right out of bed to get ready for work.

Stay strong, and keep posting.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on April 01, 2016, 06:17:59 PM
hi Bob,
good to know there are still friends here, who keep supporting. I totally relapsed, for the third time now.Started with some small triggers, who quite rapidly grew out to something bigger. It went to a point where `i became somewhat indifferent in making the choice of whether or not watching P. It didn't have anything to do with my emotions or feelings or state of mind. There was nothing wrong with my life, so WHY turn to P again ?
I' ve learned a lot during the sessions with several counselors, and I think I have most of all the tools available, to succeed in stopping.
Next Tuesday I have an appointment with my doctor, so I can get counseling again.
This has to stop( I said it all before), and I'm very determined to overcome this craziness. Can't see my partner hurting like this anymore.
Keep you posted !
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 01, 2016, 06:40:29 PM
Oh Hope, I am so glad you are still working on it.

My recent relapse was very similar. I was going along quite well (I thought) and the thoughts and actions started to creep back in. Eventually I relapsed big time, multiple times a day for multiple days. The big thing that I noticed was that I immediately started to objectify women again. I am around students and it was easy to have females in clothing that seemed to invite my fantasy. Never mind that i am old enough to be their father, some even their grandfather. i was looking at them sexually and I know what there reaction would be if they knew. It would be one big...

YUCK. Your kidding me.

I long to be back with many days under my belt but it now has to be without MO as well as PMO. MO seems (to me) just to be the start of the whole slippery slope.

Sorry to ramble. I am delighted to have you back and hope the best for your appointment. We can do this and our partners are so worth it.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 02, 2016, 11:12:53 AM
Just saw a post by Jon64 on Polar's journal which pointed to a very worthwhile post by William.

or   http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.msg13391#msg13391 (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.msg13391#msg13391)

His wise words go a long way to bring light to this process we call Porn Addiction.

Peace my friends
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 03, 2016, 04:40:38 PM
I'm am now at 5 days. While counting the days isn't a true guide of addiction release, it does provide some solace of moving forward when one is struggling with frequent triggers and thoughts of past fantasies. The pull is great and the temptation is to try and fight this thoughts

Paraphrasing a dear friend FF, I choose acceptance!

The concept is that this process in not painless. It provides a great deal of anguish. And, we should embrace these feelings as a sign of our brains attempt to resist the natural process of rewiring as it is deprived of the constant barrage of elicit images, sounds, and thoughts. Our brains are being starved for what has kept them most active. This is a good thing, a glorious opportunity, a chance for a new life.

Peace brothers and sisters. We all deserve a new life without the Pull of Porn.  8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 03, 2016, 09:26:03 PM
Ha, six days.

Time is just flying by.  8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on April 03, 2016, 11:25:40 PM
Bob,

Awesome man, way to go! 6 days will soon be 16 then 36..... I am proud of you brother, we can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on April 04, 2016, 03:48:46 AM
Hey Bob, well done. Day at a time. Keep it in the moment. You are doing great. FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jailbird on April 04, 2016, 06:43:34 AM
Yeah Bob, the days crawl by when PMO free...but how they fly fly by when edging! Its like PMO is some kind of blackhole.
Glad to see the fight in you is still strong. Never give up.
JB
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 04, 2016, 07:26:45 AM
Thanks Robert, FF, and JB,

Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated. We all need to hang together during this process.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 04, 2016, 09:02:21 AM
I eliminated one last bastion of my addictive past; a sex toy that hasn't used in a while. Its removal was imperative if i am to continue forward. Even its sight or touch would cause unnecessary triggers and a slow slide down the path.

It is officially gone but now I am trying to embrace and accept the "pull" to leave work and pleasure myself. Oh this addiction, this demon is strong.

Count to three. Let it pass. Take a walk. Sing a song. A change needs to be addressed. This can't continue. this hold over me.

When I was young (mid 1980's) I took part in a session of Transactional Analysis called I'm OK, Your OK. Talking to this addiction I need to change this to...

I'm OK, You Suck!

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jon64 on April 04, 2016, 05:06:50 PM
Just saw a post by Jon64 on Polar's journal which pointed to a very worthwhile post by William.

or   http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.msg13391#msg13391 (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.msg13391#msg13391)

His wise words go a long way to bring light to this process we call Porn Addiction.

Peace my friends

 Hey Bob that post by William is fantastic. I highly recommend anybody just read through all of it. Some of his posts are real long but man do they have some great stuff in them.  That kick started me into my reboot
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 06, 2016, 07:13:27 AM
Morning folks,

Still here, heading forward, continuing with my no MO policy. This continues to be the biggest challenge.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 06, 2016, 08:14:32 AM
Hi Folks,

Have a question for the long timers.

I am headed towards 9 days without PMO and MO. This weekend I made love with my wife and it was wonderful. However, Monday and Tuesday were bad. Not sure if it was chaser or not. Could very well have been but I also pitched an item that was looming over my PMO success and it may have been the feelings of "clenching" with a bit of twisted abandonment as this part of my PMO life was gone.

My question is regarding the hard 90. How does one comeback from no sex, no nothing after 90 days? If the chaser is there after sex with my wife, what will it be like, the first time after 90 days? Are there concerns that one needs to move into an intimate relationship slowly to prevent a relapse? I hate to go 90 days (forever in my mind) and then have difficulty reentering the world of the intimacy.

Thanks to all who are here and fighting the fight.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 07, 2016, 07:03:55 PM
Have been continuing forward. No PMO/MO for 10 days straight. Not a record yet but still a good start.

Like to know if anyone has any comments on my previous post below. Hope everyone else is doing well in this fight. Guess my only concern has been depression. Seems like it doesn't take much to set me back. Hope this will get better.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 09, 2016, 09:13:24 AM
Another day in the process.

I seem to be struggling against old thoughts and patterns of behavior that keep telling me to "turn right," or "turn left." My mind wants me to go anywhere but forward. And while Porn isn't the main problem, it appears that porn is requesting the directional changes. (Pron Talking) "If you would only MO, just this once you would feel so much better." Its as if a quick MO session would move me forward. "It would take the edge off." Its the feeling of just putting it behind you. "It would clear your head."

How intriguing that a part of your body is so complex that it can twist its survival mechanism into self destructive behavior.  I know that it wouldn't be only one time. I know that it wouldn't put it behind me; it wouldn't clear my head. It would feel great for a bit, but it would also reinforce the desired to repeat this self medicating behavior.

I need to embrace the pain, realize its origins, and replace it with the many things I want to accomplish in my life. I know what needs to be done. It just seems so hard. The finality of these actions is so concerning. I am addicted. Even though it was hard to write those words it is the truth. I am addicted and to stay sober means I need to be vigilant in this battle for the rest of my life. The rewards are great but forever has always seemed like a very long time.

Oh well, I just need to kick it (Rational brain) into gear.


Thanks to everyone for being here and supporting everyone in this process.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on April 10, 2016, 11:43:48 AM
 I know that it wouldn't be only one time. I know that it wouldn't put it behind me; it wouldn't clear my head. It would feel great for a bit, but it would also reinforce the desired to repeat this self medicating behavior.

Way to go by writing this down over and over. I have to keep remembering this, too. It won't stop anytime soon if I give into the urge. It won't help, in fact, it will retard this whole damn process, and I'll feel shitty afterward which will only propel me to do it again and again.

I know what needs to be done. It just seems so hard. The finality of these actions is so concerning. I am addicted. Even though it was hard to write those words it is the truth. I am addicted and to stay sober means I need to be vigilant in this battle for the rest of my life. The rewards are great but forever has always seemed like a very long time.

It sure is hard. I've written these words a number of times in my posts, but still I struggle with this freaky concept. Hell, it's not a concept, it's a punishment, for Christ's sake. Just coming to this reality that I can never MO again is driving me mad. It's so frustrating that I've robbed myself of this pleasure. I feel your pain.

 

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: gummianka on April 10, 2016, 12:04:44 PM
I understand all of this you are writing. It is amazing how strong this urge is. I really have no hints to you, the only thing I can say is that I am suffering just the same. I really, really hope the best for you all.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 10, 2016, 12:37:10 PM
Thank you gummianka and harry,

Many thanks for your thoughts and understanding. It helps when fellow RN;ers support your own thoughts and comments. Makes one understand that their are not alone. Through fellowship, sharing and understanding we can all grow in our desired directions, outward and away from the self-centered and debilitating life with PORN.

My thoughts are with you guys.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 11, 2016, 02:21:50 PM
Slipped this morning.

Not beating myself up. Just marked my calendar, and at the present time moving on. The slip was MO. Happened quick and was over fast. Not much in the way of fantasy, but still made me think of a repeat of the process latter in the afternoon.

Need to make sure that I can rethink this process when the desire surfaces again. It is not something that I want to repeat. I want to be rid of all of these actions. I want them gone. I want to be free.


Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 12, 2016, 07:11:37 AM
Again
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: gummianka on April 12, 2016, 08:07:17 AM
hey Bob. careful so you don't slip into a trend here. Obviously whatever plan you have to fight the urge doesn't work. So come up with a new plan.

My suggestion is a cold shower. No excuses, whenever you feel the slightest urge, hit that shower and fucking man it up in that  freezing water. That has worked wonders for me.

Note - I don't wait until I am already pants down and jacking off, I get under the water as soon as I even feel my mind start slipping.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on April 12, 2016, 10:06:50 AM
Hey, bob. Take heart. Glad you're not beating yourself up, be compassionate with yourself.

Think about what emotional states may have led up to this? Use what occurred to kind of map out your reactions and your whole addictive process. Use it as a training manual for greater victory.

Think about what you're associating with for each action that led up to the sessions of M/O. Was it a time of morning? Where was it, the shower? Was there other stimuli involved, like a certain T.V. show the previous night that contributed?

List those things, and then think: what can I change the next time? If it's a time, change the time. If it's the place (bathroom or shower), set a timer, or face a different direction in the shower. If it's in bed, lay the opposite way. The point is- change it up, so as to trick the brain from falling into a patterned behavior. Think of whatever you can do to disrupt this thing in the moment.

I believe in you, brother, you can do this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on April 12, 2016, 01:56:04 PM
Hang in there, Bob. You're in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 13, 2016, 08:02:26 AM
gummianka. harry, leon,

Thank you for your concern. I have been fighting depression and just making it through the day seems to be a challenge. Working at it one day at a time. Being alone is the biggest obstacle but I am working to make sure I don't put myself into this situation. A real challenge based on what I need to accomplish but thoughts of you guys will help.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 13, 2016, 05:25:21 PM
Bit better today.

Yesterday I was really down. Life sucked and all that crap. Hard to pull yourself out of that when it starts, at least it is with me. Wondered about starting counseling again. Kind of dropped out of it when schedules didn't permit.

Rambling again.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 13, 2016, 10:27:19 PM
I understand but I will miss you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 14, 2016, 10:54:11 AM
Greetings folks.

Just a note to let you folks know that I will be taking a break from RN.

I have been obsessing about my recovery a bit too much. I need to back away and start to be a recovered person instead of a person in hopes of recovery.


I am scheduled to meet with a counselor this afternoon and continue to commit to a life of sobriety. I understand that there may be some rough spots but growth isn't possible without a bit of pain. I just need to make sure that I start to live the life I desire. I continue to update my counter/spreadsheet so that my progress will be noted. I just need to start to stand on my own.

I hope the best for all who have been friends on RN. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. I would not have been able to accomplish as much as I have without your support.

 Peace and love to all my brothers and sisters of RN
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on April 14, 2016, 11:48:20 AM
Best of luck, Bob!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on April 17, 2016, 12:25:42 PM
Bob,
My prayers are with you, thank you for your supportful and encouraging words. Go and make it happen.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 25, 2016, 08:25:59 AM
I have been off RN for a while but I am now back and ready to try again. Relapsed big time.

My staying away from RN wasn't the answer. Still need to make sure I don't substitute RN for time viewing porn but need to make an appearance every once in a while to keep me on track. So don't worry if you don't hear from me. I have an accountability partner in a close relative. Not sure he is completely committed but he is definitely understanding. That should help a lot.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on April 25, 2016, 12:32:06 PM
I have been off RN for a while but I am now back and ready to try again. Relapsed big time.

My staying away from RN wasn't the answer. Still need to make sure I don't substitute RN for time viewing porn but need to make an appearance every once in a while to keep me on track. So don't worry if you don't hear from me. I have an accountability partner in a close relative. Not sure he is completely committed but he is definitely understanding. That should help a lot.

Peace

Welcome back, Bob.

Reassess what worked before, and perhaps what went awry this time.

You can do this, it's inside of you to change course. You're in control, not the addiction. Change it up, and disrupt the mother out of this thing- you deserve to be free!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on April 25, 2016, 10:28:16 PM
Bob,
Welcome back! I totally agree with Leon, keep changing things up, try not to do the same things at the same time in the same place the same way. I have found on the my biggest triggers is to be on the computer during the times I used to PMO. You can beat this f--king demon I know you can. Good night brother.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: harry on April 26, 2016, 12:25:52 AM
Glad you're back, Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Boo on April 26, 2016, 11:28:24 AM
Welcome back Bob!

We've never conversed on here but I've read some of your journal. Our demographics are similar except that I don't have children. My history of porn usage is very similar to yours. It sounds like you have a supportive wife which is a real blessing. An accountability partner sounds like a good idea for you presently as well.

Your right about not letting RBN become an addiction in and of itself, however, as we know, there are worse addictions to have. At least this is a safe place to spend time and should be instructive for all of us if we're humbled enough to take advice and also self aware enough to listen to some of our own advice. The perfecting is in the practice. At the end of it all, it's going to take a true change of heart to overcome this thing. White knuckling it is not the path to victory. Even the concept of self discipline will only take us so far. Porn has to lose it's "savor". The only way out is in.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 03, 2016, 10:38:19 PM
Thanks folks.

Been a bit of a struggle. I was on a great path and then a trip on the road got me. Not sure how I am going to deal with that but I am working on it.

Anyway, back at it. Have someone who I check in with everyday. Helps to be accountable first thing in the morning. That seems to give me an edge. I am also ready to set up a time with my counselor. That was positive in the past but schedules didn't seem to fit. Anyway, I have some time freed up so I can get back into that routine. Going to get back on my journal (written) so I can "talk" out what makes me tick, how my triggers work, what I need to do to succeed.

I am confident I can do this. It is just going to take some diligent work.

Peace to all

Oh... almost forgot. I have a ton of responses I need to look at. I hope I can get to them soon. I am going to continue to monitor my time on RN but I don't want to loose track of you folks. You have been the light that makes me know I can do this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on May 04, 2016, 06:22:49 PM
GOOD TO HEAR!  Bob, way to go!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 10, 2016, 11:43:42 AM
Gracie,

Thank you for your response. I always feel supported when I hear words of encouragement from others.

I am doing fairly well. I am not spending as much time on RN but continue to walk the walk. Its helpful to know that RN is here and I can come back and check on all of the friends. Learn of their progress. Support them when I can.

I have learned that my relapses have a pattern. They begin early with looking at women or images. The situations may be relatively tame but they titillate just the same. This pattern can go on for weeks/moths. It seems harmless. It seems like it is no big deal.

Not so.

I need to continue to acknowledge this. I need to back away from even minor "peeks." They are not helpful. The just build a continued interest in seeing more. I need to look away. I need to click off. I need live a new life. I need to begin a different path; no matter the struggle.

I'm 8 days into this and I need to celebrate my new success and continue on.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on May 11, 2016, 09:02:59 AM
Bob,

Congratulations on a great restart.  I support you and know you are in this for life.  Have a great day brother.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 11, 2016, 09:19:16 AM
Thank you Robert 2.0 I appreciate your support tremendously.

Another day closer to my goal.

What goal? It is a goal of being clean and free of the constant thoughts that cloud my brain. Its the absence of constant thoughts relating to PMO/MO. It is a total number of days behind me which support my feelings of success. Its the point in my addiction that realizes my addition will remain with me but not control me. While just below the surface, I will not let it burst out and claim my soul.

Lost a dear friend recently. He did not die; just removed himself from RN. I connected with Window and while we were very different, we connected in so many ways. I feel his absence deeply. I know that he will continue to work through his demons and move forward but I miss him.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on May 11, 2016, 01:15:32 PM
Hi Bob...

thank you for your recent comments in my thread. You have been a great encouragement to me in my own journey.

I'm really glad you are here.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on May 11, 2016, 02:45:19 PM
Bob,

I confided in a good friend of ours, a wile ago, and thought it might help us with some new and fresh insights, in order to understand the severeness of this addiction.
Sadly it didn't work out that way, so I let it go. This person simply doesn't understand what porn does to the ones who's brains are  conditioned to P for very long times. This addiction is very different from other addictions like drugs or alcohol. This one is filled with shame, and is very lonely. It's hard to acknowledge an addiction, but it's much harder with a PA.
From my own experience, even during counseling, there was little knowledge about PA. Sure, they heart of it, and maybe read something about it, but HOW to treat this, was and is still a sort of an experimental area. (forgive my poor writing in English).
How to offer the betrayed partner help, was even more shrouded in clouds.
In fact, help for your SO is just as , or perhaps more important, than the treatment for the PA.
In any relationship, it involves the both of you, and many failed trying to beat this on their own, while the partner watches from the sideline, not knowing how to deal with this.
I do not post much here on RN, but I keep reading several journals.
Right now my marriage is a mess, due to the constant hiding and lying of the PA.
Despite of this we stil managed to stick together, and seek help, for the both of us. Just started counseling again, and the approach will be different this time.
Thanks again Bob, for staying involved.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: B+ on May 13, 2016, 09:37:52 PM
Hey guys, counseling can help. It's one good strategy.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 13, 2016, 10:22:06 PM
Hi B+,

I agree. Been challenging to find the right person and work out the schedules but I finally have a standing date set.

I keep moving forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Boo on May 14, 2016, 08:06:24 AM
Hey Bob,

An idea that I'd like to revisit with you from a previous post is for you to do the mental work required to make porn lose it's "savor". This is not easy to do because we've all been in love with porn as well as our hands.

What I've attempted to do is to really revisit my own personal values and decide whether or not porn viewing is aligned in any way with those values. The answer is no. At that point, it becomes a matter of living authentically or not. Can I truly interact with others in an authentic way while living a sort of "double life". That is actually an exhausting way to live. I'm worn out from doing that.

Another thing that's really worked to help me is using my imagination this way: imagining the reaction of anyone I know, care about and respect as they watched me act out ...i.e... I imagine they have the ability to observe me from behind a 2-way mirror, like as if I'm in an interrogation room and they're a witness observing me reveal some incriminating truth about myself.

Part of what enforces this behavior from us is the very private nature of it. I try to take away that privacy and then see how I feel about PMOing. I feel much different. This is a different kind of addiction with a lot of shame attached to it. We have to employ some different methods to see progress. I thing WE have to do the mental work. We have to have a reason to stop that is more powerful than the pull to continue.

I'll finish with 2 quotes that have great meaning to me, with my personal comments in parentheses:

Reputation is what people think you are. (What would they think if they SAW you ? What would be the lasting impression ?)

Character is what you know you are when no one else is around. (What is your/my character? Really?  How authentically do we truly want to live? How important is it to us? To me, it's the only path to self acceptance and living true to my values)

This is the kind of mental work that helps me. It may be useless to you. Who knows? I just know that I've always made progress when I used mental tips/tricks to strengthen my resolve. I've never made progress when I've in any way allowed myself to feel victimized by PMO addiction or felt that I was in the proverbial "battle of my life". That's just commentary pertaining to myself and in no way an indictment of the real struggle that I know many here perceive this to be.

Wishing you much progress however you achieve it. Boo
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on May 15, 2016, 10:49:14 AM
This is the kind of mental work that helps me. It may be useless to you. Who knows? I just know that I've always made progress when I used mental tips/tricks to strengthen my resolve. I've never made progress when I've in any way allowed myself to feel victimized by PMO addiction or felt that I was in the proverbial "battle of my life".

Excellent commentary, Boo. So true all of what you said. In addition to the biological hardwiring that is this addiction (rooted in the science of habit, like the proverbial rat 'hooked' on it's little Pavlovian dopamine hits), is the mental battlefield involved given the shame based thinking, hurts and wounding that may have occurred in the past, etc...

Yet, it's about strengthening our resolve to truly quit, to truly change. This to me entails the refusal of seeing this as a disease beyond one's control- which only weakens resolve and strengthens the 'addiction' as an outside force beyond our control. It's true that resolve (or willpower) alone cannot carry us, as the will is limited. But having resolve keeps us honestly seeking change, to never give up, until we've successfully changed these habit patterns. Through the addiction itself, we've eroded willpower to where our frontal lobes have taken a backseat while the more baser animalistic parts of our brain have been 'running the castle'.

Progress versus regress, dependent on how we choose to view ourselves, and how we view this addiction. If we make porn bigger than life, outside ourselves, outside our control, it will continue to consume us. Or, if we stand up and say- No, and take control back over our lives.

We can do this, one victory at at time. And we must do whatever is necessary, whatever we can do to strengthen our resolve. And when we're 'doing good', never take this for granted, and allow ourselves to fall back into mindless 'habit-land'. Rather, we mindfully take each moment as it comes, graciously enjoying each moment of success and freedom.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 15, 2016, 11:37:06 AM
Can I truly interact with others in an authentic way while living a sort of "double life". That is actually an exhausting way to live. I'm worn out from doing that.

You are correct that this is exhausting. It takes up your life, it takes over your life, it takes a tremendous amount of emotional and physical energy.

I've never made progress when I've in any way allowed myself to feel victimized by PMO addiction or felt that I was in the proverbial "battle of my life". That's just commentary pertaining to myself and in no way an indictment of the real struggle that I know many here perceive this to be.

I'll have to think about this. I'm not disagreeing with your thought process, I am just trying to take those thoughts and apply them to my own life.

I recognize that sometimes we are enamored by the "thought" of breaking away from this addiction but really don't want to put forth the required effort.... Let me mull it around a bit and get back to you when I have processed this further.

Thank you for your concerns and thoughtful comments.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Boo on May 15, 2016, 09:32:02 PM
This is the kind of mental work that helps me. It may be useless to you. Who knows? I just know that I've always made progress when I used mental tips/tricks to strengthen my resolve. I've never made progress when I've in any way allowed myself to feel victimized by PMO addiction or felt that I was in the proverbial "battle of my life".

Excellent commentary, Boo. So true all of what you said. In addition to the biological hardwiring that is this addiction (rooted in the science of habit, like the proverbial rat 'hooked' on it's little Pavlovian dopamine hits), is the mental battlefield involved given the shame based thinking, hurts and wounding that may have occurred in the past, etc...

Yet, it's about strengthening our resolve to truly quit, to truly change. This to me entails the refusal of seeing this as a disease beyond one's control- which only weakens resolve and strengthens the 'addiction' as an outside force beyond our control. It's true that resolve (or willpower) alone cannot carry us, as the will is limited. But having resolve keeps us honestly seeking change, to never give up, until we've successfully changed these habit patterns. Through the addiction itself, we've eroded willpower to where our frontal lobes have taken a backseat while the more baser animalistic parts of our brain have been 'running the castle'.

Progress versus regress, dependent on how we choose to view ourselves, and how we view this addiction. If we make porn bigger than life, outside ourselves, outside our control, it will continue to consume us. Or, if we stand up and say- No, and take control back over our lives.

We can do this, one victory at at time. And we must do whatever is necessary, whatever we can do to strengthen our resolve. And when we're 'doing good', never take this for granted, and allow ourselves to fall back into mindless 'habit-land'. Rather, we mindfully take each moment as it comes, graciously enjoying each moment of success and freedom.

Thanks Leon. Your insights really spell out the mindset to approaching victory in a very understandable way. I'm so glad you're still contributing here whenever you do. Bob, this is good stuff. Truth to hold on to and contemplate. We have to put porn "in it's place"..i.e...reduce it down to what it really is and embrace our innate ability to change. I know that God's leading me down a nobler path. My self respect is returning. As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.........
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Robert2.0 on May 16, 2016, 09:43:15 PM
Bob,

You have many people here who respect you and the war you are battling, I am one of those people. I have faith in you and know in my heart that this war you are engaged in will eventually come to an end with you as the conquer. Take care brother.

We can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 27, 2016, 09:26:01 AM
Wanted to stay away until I could be proud of some level of success... Even if I could say I had a week behind me. Something that would show I was really back in the race; committed to the process of eliminating this PMO from my life.

Then I realized that I need the support to make this whole thing work. I am  back. I am here to stay. I will be trying to monitor my time so I don't substitute one addiction for another. I am here for a new life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on June 27, 2016, 10:46:22 AM
Good to have you back Bob. Day at a time. Plenty of excellent direction from Boo and Leon. I enjoyed it too. Thanks guys. FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on June 27, 2016, 11:04:55 AM
Bob....you have been a source of encouragement and strength to me in the past.
i am glad to see you here. i'm in the same place, basically. trying to get up and do the hard (right) things.

thanks.
NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 27, 2016, 02:30:56 PM
Thanks guys.

Your comments make me smile and feel extremely welcome. I am glad to be back.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 30, 2016, 11:05:49 AM
Good morning folks,

Thought I would put back up my counter to provide some visual encouragement to stick to my plan.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on July 01, 2016, 01:53:30 AM
Hey Bob,

I haven't been on this forum lately but I wanted to let you know that I love and appreciate you. You have helped so many guys here and I will pray that you get that new life we are all seeking after. You are worth it.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 01, 2016, 08:46:00 AM
So good to hear from you Chile,

I'm coming up on 24 hours (one complete day; hands off) and I go to tell you, I forget that I was previously abstinent for days on end. It is others here that give me the confidence that I too can return to being clean for an extended period of time.

24 hours may not seem like a lot but it is the first step in moving forward.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 02, 2016, 10:29:14 PM
Greetings all,

Just over two days and I am seeing the path before me.

I have been with RN for over a year. During that time my recovery has been off and on. Longest streak was 135 days without PMO but MO always seemed to be present. Now I am beginning again. I am spending more time reading journals than writing in mine. I say this because I know there is a need (with me) to say want is on my mind and to explain what I have been going through during this reboot process.

I have so much to learn.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on July 06, 2016, 12:58:39 AM
Way to go Bob! I'm so glad to see you at 5 days clean.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 06, 2016, 09:06:55 AM
Your doing good bob.  We just have to make the right choices. I know that drug (dopamine ) is a son of a bitch. It feels good to get that rush, but we Need to. Try to forget about that. What feels really really crappy is the post pmo. I so much hate that feeling. Stay strong bob, we are all in this together
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on July 06, 2016, 05:17:02 PM
Congratulations, Bob- on 6 days clean!

You can do this, you can make it- however many times it takes, too!

With determination, and the end goal in sight, even if one were to stumble, however many times they did stumble, they'll keep their eye on the prize, and keep getting up.

Your strength, Bob, is that you always get up.

 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on July 07, 2016, 02:04:30 PM
hey Bob,

I totally agree with Jaystock here. Try to remember this really bad feelings after PMO. It did help me.
Every time I could say no to MO or PMO by thinking of the previous (after)times, I was able to get rid of the craving and restlessness.
Rising my self esteem and respect.
Here to help Bob, you're doing great !
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 07, 2016, 03:23:01 PM
Thanks Hope, Chile, Jaystock, Leon,

I appreciate your support. Its moving forward that is important at this point. Want to be 90 days PMO and MO free. That is my goal. That's what I am working towards... one day at a time.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 09, 2016, 08:39:59 AM
I am setting goals for myself. Points in this journey that I can identify and celebrate when I am successful. These will be as follows:

I am committed to make it through these 90 days. I know that the number (90) isn't magical but I hope the time will allow me an official detox and an affirmation that I have accomplished the challenge. I also understand that I may slip but I vow to make any slip a lapse, not a relapse. I also vow to make any lapse a learning experience from which I can learn so that lapse doesn't happen again.

I also want to assure myself that mentioning the potential of a lapse doesn't "allow" it or accept that it will happen. It will be forgiven, but the goal is end, 90 days without PMO and/or MO.

Thank you for the opportunity to openly express my goals for my recovery.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on July 09, 2016, 10:40:11 AM
That's sounds like an awesome plan with worthy goals. Breaking them down into smaller bite-size goals, that's how I hit my 90 days.

Above all, being gentle with your self, while being dead-dog serious against this habit, sounds like the winning combination.

Good job, Bob.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 09, 2016, 01:00:29 PM
Thanks Leon,

Above all, being gentle with your self, while being dead-dog serious against this habit,

That is the plan. An uncompromising commitment to succeed with a compassionate understanding of the process. The goal is paramount.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 10, 2016, 11:36:09 AM
Made my first goal!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)
    60 days
    75 days
    90 days The main goal
    Challenging days I perceive

I have taken the first step and am proud of my success!

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 10, 2016, 02:33:21 PM
Good job bob. I want you to know that reading your posts encourages me to stay on the straight and narrow. Please keep up the good fight. Today my kids at at their grammys house. I have the house to myself til 2 o'clock, I'm on my way out to mow, and stay busy. I don't ever want the POST PMO BLUES again. Porn is no longer an option
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 10, 2016, 04:47:15 PM
Jaystock,

I'm going to hold you to it!  ;)

We need to make this whole thing go away and to do that we need to move away from it. I have faith in your ability to accomplish this goal.

We gotta do this!

Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on July 10, 2016, 05:09:25 PM
Made my first goal!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)
    60 days
    75 days
    90 days The main goal
    Challenging days I perceive

I have taken the first step and am proud of my success!
  • I am in charge of my recovery.
  • I am in charge of my urges.
  • I am in charge of my life.

Peace

Congratulations, bob!

You can do this, in fact, you are doing this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 10, 2016, 08:18:57 PM
I am, aren't I!

Thanks Leon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 12, 2016, 11:47:22 AM
Today is another day. As I encounter potential impulses or triggers I will reinforce the following thoughts:

    I am in charge of my recovery.
    I am in charge of my urges.
    I am in charge of my life.


Peace to all brothers and sisters of RN
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 1qqq1 on July 12, 2016, 01:10:46 PM
Hey Bob, hang in there. Looks like you have some momentum going. I know how it can be struggling but if you can hold off for just one more hour, minute, second...the urge may subside and that will make you stronger. You have had success in the past and always seem to have good advice so you probably know what works for you. Just keep repeating to yourself what makes you want to get better in the first place and are you willing to give that up for short term relief? You can live your life, without porn.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 12, 2016, 02:16:21 PM
Thank you 1qqq1,

Kind as well as wise words on the process of recovery. We can do this together.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 13, 2016, 10:22:03 AM
Good morning bob, how goes the battle? Keep strong brother. There is a light at the end if the tunnel.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 13, 2016, 11:34:57 AM
Jaystock,

Doing well. Notice the triggers of time alone at home. The first thing I think of... but not going there. Going to make it to my 90. Working on making it straight through. If not, I will learn and move on. Trying to be realistic without being pessimistic.

How about you?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 13, 2016, 12:20:11 PM
Being at home alone is horrible. That's such a trigger. I'm lucky in that sense,  because I don't have Internet at my house. I have to really plan out a pmo session. My real trigger, is sitting here in an air conditioned dump truck, waiting for the lead to get through with break. I'm doing great today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 14, 2016, 08:29:54 AM
Thought you folks might like a humorous story as we to work to refrain from the big M...

I came up with the ultimate way of abstaining. While not desirable, it does make you keep your hands off yourself.

About two days ago I went for a picnic with my wife. We let our dog loose and into the woods she went. She immediately started tramping through a big patch of poison ivy.

As I envision this incident, the dog was in poison ivy, I touched the dog... Can see you this where this is going?

Hey its the woods and I had to take a leak...

Well I think you get the picture. This isn't a full blown case but it definitely itches and I am not going to start scratching it.

Hopefully this will pass in the few days.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 17, 2016, 10:21:18 PM
It has been said (Chip) that days 17-21 seem to be a time when many rebooters have relapses.

Following this statement I aware that I am coming into that time frame. Items and events seem to be triggering me more lately. Through this I try to emphasize the change of lifestyle required to life without PMO and MO the new normal. My top three are:

Thanks for your support folks,

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 17, 2016, 11:43:35 PM
Hi Bob,
Yes you can beat this demon.  I am thinking that you can apply some of the strengths you developed in defeating PMO to this MO with the Porn substitutes.  The fact is your brain had had some rewiring in the getting off of porn, Now it is time for the rewiring without the porn substitutes. 
I am wondering if you can do more sexual things with your wife.  BY that I mean little things but that can be sensuous if you let them.  Kissing, rubbing, holding hands.  This may build sensitivity in you towards those activities as you come off the dopamine high of MO. 

Also, do you do the exercise /cold shower approach.  For myself I find that I do NOT do this, but a lot of guys on this site seem to find it very helpful.
I will be rooting for you to beat this issue.   You are like a mountain climber who is summoning all his energy for the last ditch assault on the summit.  A concentrated effort here will get you passed this and well on your way to a full brain rewire.
Remember you have already seen success with the P so now comes the rest.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 18, 2016, 09:37:29 AM
Thanks Run, I appreciate your thoughts.

Just the act of abstaining from PMO and MO has brought me closer to my wife. Its nice to reach for a hug and a back scratch. Very affirming and helpful in rewiring my brain, even if it is a small bit at a time.

However, I have never done the cold shower routine. Attempted it but just wasn't really sure it was necessary. Maybe I'm a wimp but I am really not crazy about cold water. Porn blockers haven't been a part of my reboot either. I feel that I need to be in charge of my own reboot and there is always a way around the "lock out." Its a great idea. Just not for me. Besides, there seems to be enough in my world that triggers me even without the internet. I need to know that I have the strength to move pass the triggers; feel them rise, take a deep breath, and let them pass.

Thanks for your response. It's always nice to know that others are reading your posts.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Emerald Blue on July 18, 2016, 10:50:25 AM
Hi Bob

As you have contributed to the partners forum from time to time, I'm wondering what role does your wife play in your struggles with PMO? I don't necessarily mean taking direct action on your behalf because ultimately you have to do it for yourself. Is she aware of your relapses? Do you tell her? Is she supportive, or does she feel threatened by your PMO? Does your relationship suffer as a consequence, or conversely, does stress in your relationship or perhaps stress at work and perhaps your wife is too busy with her own responsibilities and challenges that she isn't "there for you" in the way that you would like?

Although my recovery and that of our relationship has really only been able to happen because he has kept away from porn successfully, quitting has also meant facing up to the issues that the porn addiction has kept under cover, and that has brought to light some unpleasant and sometimes extreme emotions. For both of us. Fortunately we've got through many of these issues, but like all partners I have triggers too, which are either observations, reminders and upsetting memories of his PA. I find it tough enough to cope with what's in the past. I don't know what the impact of a relapse would be.

I'm saying all this because it seems to me that relapsing can follow a sort of cyclical pattern. A partner can also experience set backs in her recovery too usually triggered by a reminder of the past and perhaps a fear for the future. "Will I go through all it again?" I'm ust wondering about how relapses impact upon the relationship. Can the relationship create or contribute to  conditions that make relapsing more likely? Or does the relationship help you heal from a relapse? Or do you just keep it from your wife altogether? Is that good or bad? Thanks.
 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 18, 2016, 12:38:45 PM
Haha bob, I was reading in your last post about the cold showers. I couldn't agree with you more. No thanks. Sounds like your doing good. I was watching a free preview of skinamax, and thought about looking at some porn on my phone, and thought about our deal last week. Stay strong brother
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 18, 2016, 12:53:41 PM
Hi Bob,
I appreciate your thoughts on porn blockers.  Right now I am not using a porn blocker either and it has not been a problem for me.  I also appreciated your thoughts on taking a deep breath until the urge goes away.  The certainty I can do this helps me not to fear the onslaught of an urge.
CHeers to you
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on July 18, 2016, 02:38:46 PM
today I had an appointment with my counselor. We are working hard to bring to light the early signs of relapses and how triggers or flashes can turn into a relapse.
When I had porn flashes in my head of the things I've seen before, I went into a panic mode, Scared to death of going down again, and felt like a failure. My overall state of mind then, was depressed and most of all, I felt negative about myself. I just couldn't allow myself to recognize that I do have flashes in my head and I just have to deal with them. I want to say is, these flashes don't have to trigger all these negative emotions.When you feel bad about yourself, you're more likely to fall into old habits, cause it's safe and known.
For me , the magic word of today is acknowledgment. I do have a problem with porn, and my brain reacts in a way, I do not want.
I have to accept, that I have these images in my head and I can't change that anymore. Once in a while, they will pop up as flashes of P images and/or scenes. It's the way I respond, that I have to change: I always started to panic and thought things like: "here we go again". That makes it worse, because in that way, you tell yourself, that you already "relapsed" or are going downhill again. And that's not the case. To prevent a relapse I have to think positive. When I get those Flash Backs, I shouldn't feel guilty. I should recognize them for what they are. If I can do that, I will find peace in my head and will be able to reach out to my buddy. These two things will help me to turn around. When you find an activity, that will distract, the urges should go away. But most important: they go away and I can feel positive about myself and the way I handled it.
It's MY decision, I have the power to do this, and we all can do tis too.
Keep strong !
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 18, 2016, 08:10:07 PM
Emerald,

Is she aware of your relapses? Do you tell her? Is she supportive, or does she feel threatened by your PMO?

I have tried to be open with my wife about my struggles with PMO. She is aware of my vow to become PMO free and encourages me to do just that. She is also supportive, but I think she sometimes feels the same feelings of other partners; that she is somehow responsible. She also has doubts; that she doesn’t match up to the women of porn or that if she really satisfied me I wouldn’t need porn. I have express that this is my problem; that this is my addiction, and I need to be the one to change.  It took 40 years to build up this problem and it is not her fault. However, I think it is difficult for her not to feel frustrated.

I also agree that this relapse/recovery process in cyclical and isn’t always smooth. But I do feel that our relationship and the ability to talk about this problem has made us stronger. I continue to grow and move forward and her love for me helps me tremendously. Like you say at the bottom of your posts,

“His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it.”


She isn’t the cause, she can’t control me, and she can’t cure me but her love goes a long way in supporting me. For that I am extremely grateful.

Hope this answers your questions.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 18, 2016, 08:14:06 PM
Hope,

I have to think positive. When I get those Flash Backs, I shouldn't feel guilty. I should recognize them for what they are. If I can do that, I will find peace in my head and will be able to reach out to my buddy. These two things will help me to turn around.

That kind of thinking is very wise. I too and attempting to realize that the feeling/urges aren't the problem. They are just the "call to action" of which I don't have to partake. Just because "she's" calling, I don't have to answer!

We will both stay strong.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 18, 2016, 08:29:46 PM
Hey Bob,

I like to think that we are rapidly becoming men in control of themselves.   This week I am giving thought to tghe fact that my prefrontal lobes have been diminished by the use of PMO,  I suppose that they are coming back now that I am on abstinence.

What is the number on your profile, the 471?
I should probably know that, but I don't really.  is it your membership number?   I have a 66 on mine (RUn to Spirit) - don't know what that is either.
Thanks and blessings to you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 18, 2016, 10:14:07 PM
Run,

I believe that the number is the number of posts that you have made on your journal.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 20, 2016, 03:22:41 PM
Hey, I guess I can celebrate a double bout of success!

I have made it 20 days, and I didn't even know it.

While I have been feeling a stronger pull recently [PMO/MO], I have moved through it. It is still there, however I am trying to acknowledge the pull and turn away.

I have a trip coming up soon. This is always present a challenge. Stopping at Adult bookstores or novelty shops constitutes the beginning of a slip for me. Even if I just walk around and look, I will have taken the first step. I don't want to do that. I just want to pass on by. See the exit coming, notice the little building with the flashing lights, and pass on by. I may wave but I am not going to stop. The visit isn't worth it and the problems it causes are a lot bigger then anything I gain from a walk around a porn shop.

Even if I am just looking.

Just pass it by.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on July 20, 2016, 04:47:57 PM
Hey, I guess I can celebrate a double bout of success!

I have made it 20 days, and I didn't even know it.

While I have been feeling a stronger pull recently [PMO/MO], I have moved through it. It is still there, however I am trying to acknowledge the pull and turn away.

I have a trip coming up soon. This is always present a challenge. Stopping at Adult bookstores or novelty shops constitute the beginning of a slip for me. Even if I just walk around and look, I will have taken the first step. I don't want to do that. I just want to pass on by. See the exit coming, notice the little building with the flashing lights, and pass on by. I may wave but I am not going to stop. The visit isn't worth it and the problems it causes are a lot bigger then anything I gain from a walk around a porn shop.

Even if I am just looking.

Just pass it by.

Peace

Hey, Bob. Congratulations on hitting 20 Days!

It's great that you recognize the early link in the chain of behaviors. Your post inspired me to briefly come out of my silence- because just this last Sunday- July 17th- I celebrated 13 Years since I last stepped foot into an adult video or porno-bookstore for the purpose of PMO. Maybe one other time after that about 8 years ago (?), I did- but nothing came of it (no pun intended).

That night in 2003 I confessed to my wife, because I left a party earlier and thought I could rush home in time before she got back, and not get caught. Well, that didn't happen- we arrived at the same time. When she expressed surprize and didn't buy my initial and weak lie, I told her of my occasional visits to adult video stores (went about 6 times). This began a deep wounding in our marriage, and threatened our existence. I had a 6 month old child at the time, too. Fight after fight ensued, and it remains ever as a reminder of how my behavior hurt her at that time.

But, there can be change. I no longer obsess over prostitutes (as in the early 90's), and I never visit porno bookstores any more- since 2003. I can even drive buy them, see them from the road, and not be 'triggered' by it. We do change, and what used to trigger us may also not affect us in the future.

Keep up the good work, Bob- I'm rooting for you, even in my silence.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 20, 2016, 05:03:54 PM
Very awesome bob. You keep your ass out of those shops. That is bad news, and you know it. IN THE BEGINNING, ALWAYS THINK OF THE END. Please bob don't go there. You have to ask yourself what do I intend to accomplish by doing this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 21, 2016, 08:02:14 AM

Keep up the good work, Bob- I'm rooting for you, even in my silence.

Thank you Leon, That means a lot to me. It makes me realize that I am accountable as an individual to be the man I strive to be... if that makes sense.

You keep your ass out of those shops.

Jaystock, you crack me up.  ;D

You also give me strength. As with the comments from Leon, you help me be accountable to myself for my actions when I think I am all alone.

Thank you my friends.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 21, 2016, 09:24:25 AM
At the 21 day mark, the desire is starting to flood my mind. Like high tide, the desire seems to be ever-present in my thoughts. I am going to should switch my mind to more positive patterns of thought. A storm is coming to?

Surf's up! Bring it on.

Gonna ride this one like a champ. ...and if you don't feel it, repeat it till you believe it!

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 21, 2016, 12:31:50 PM
I'm feeling you bob. It's your brain, it's missing that dopamine rush. We must stay strong brother. Don't give in, we are better than this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 23, 2016, 07:36:50 PM
Look at you Bob, surfing past 23!

Hang 90, Dude!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 24, 2016, 07:22:40 AM
 Yes  chip I'm going to make it .

 I started out on a five-day trip.  Typically a difficult time with lots of opportunities to act out.  I even came across some paraphernalia that was in her backpack and I brought with me.  It's going to trash the next time I stop.

During my last relapse I often thought about what was my biggest fantasies
 I experience what I thought were the big ones .  Things that I thought would be amazing. Every single one of them left me with guilt shame and self-loathing.  Go back further before the relapse and making love to my wife was absolutely amazing .

 What kind of life do you think I want to lead?  The song goes what's love got to do with it.  Well I'll tell you in is everything to do with it.

I also want to say that this whole process is an easy by any stretch. I'm having eyes were excited about what I have accomplished and lows where I feel like I'm a failure.  Sometimes it's just plain crazy.  Things are always a bit stressful at home before a trip  and I just got over the poison ivy so I haven't had a chance to make love to my wife.  It's on my mind because I woke up this morning from a sex dream.  It was extremely intense.  It wasn't a fantasy that should ever be real or could never be real.  I didn't mind it was my mind going crazy.  I just enjoyed it  for what it was a dream.  It was not reality and I didn't control it.

 Congratulations on your success and I'm proud of you for going the extra distance.

 Peace

Bon
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 24, 2016, 09:26:12 AM
Kudos Bob on ditching the paraphernalia.  Dreams were common for me in the beginning of my reboot too and i knew I was starting to make progress when I started taking control in the dream and saying, "No".  I've literally woken up as soon as a dream turned in a direction I knew I shouldn't go.  Stay strong, be aware of things that have tripped you up in the past and make the corrections you need to.  The feeling of failure is common, but don't hang out there with those feelings too long.  Learn from past setbacks and add those tools to your arsenal as you power thru.  You are NOT a failure, the only people who have never failed, never tried, but you are trying and you will find victory.

Chip
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 24, 2016, 05:06:18 PM
THat's right Bob,  you can beat this.  You are very forthright in your account of your activities.  It is that desire for truth that will help you.   In the moment remembe how honest you are when you are sharing with us your failures.   THen put that semae desire for truth into your moment of temptation.  You have to find your own questions, but some things may be "How much is this really going to satisfy me?" "What am I telling myself that is justifying this?"  or "How am I going to feel after I have completed what I am doing?"  You are right also in that the guys in this forum are with you and supportive of you.  Speaking for myself I am greatly relieved to think that I can write whatever I need to here and may get some admonition, but certainly no condemnation.  You go guy!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on July 25, 2016, 01:47:42 PM
Hi Bob - I don't think I've commented in your journal before, not sure how I missed it. I've read through a good portion of it and can relate to a lot of what you are saying and many of your struggles. I see it has been a process for you (as it is for me) to identify the porn substitutes and how they can start the quick slide back into the PMO lifestyle where anything goes. We really need to recognize these triggering behaviours early on when they come and not engage. For me I have had to remove MO and I'm working on stopping the ogling and all the thoughts and fantasies that go with the hypersexualized brain. Keep up the good work and I will try to post in here more regularly.

TK
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 25, 2016, 11:37:58 PM
Thanks for the support guys. I appreciate it.

We continue to move forward. Oh, and I made to twenty five days!

Crazy to think that previously, I couldn't of imagined 25 days without MO. However, minus the urges and random thoughts, I feel like I am doing well.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 26, 2016, 01:08:22 AM
Congratulations Bob on your 25 days.
YOu know there was a time when if someone would have suggested "HEY go without porn or masturbating for 25 days" we would have thought they were crazy!
Let's hear it for change!
This so reminds me of the 4 minute mile barrier.  For so long runners could not run a mile under 4 minutes.   Then Roger Bannister did it.  Within a month or two after he did it, three other runners beat his record.   HOW?  They realized it could be done.   Before Roger Bannister runners were all psyched out that they couldn't do it.
I don't know about you, (although I think this is true of you too)  but I am getting psyched to really belive that it is possible to be completely porn free and mastrubation free.  I know that there will alwasy be tgemptations, but as we get longer and longer streaks Our brains are going to rewire and the DeltaFOs B that is realted to addiction will be coming out of our brains.  THen the cravings will be less. 
Congratulations on your streak, and of course there is more to come.
it is good to know you brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 26, 2016, 08:28:20 AM
Thanks for the support guys. I appreciate it.

We continue to move forward. Oh, and I made to twenty five days!

Crazy to think that previously, I couldn't of imagined 25 days without MO. However, minus the urges and random thoughts, I feel like I am doing well.

Peace
Keep digging Bob, you've got some momentum, roll with it.  Congrats on 25!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Delerium on July 26, 2016, 10:08:47 PM
Hey Bob,

First time commenting on your journal.  I started pretty much the same way, magazines, VHS tapes and then with technology it got easier and easier.  How nice that you have a wife that is so supportive of you and kudos to you for looking into sex addiction as she suggested. 

Good on you for getting rid of soft triggers.

Congrats on Day 26!!


Delerium
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 26, 2016, 10:35:07 PM
Thanks Delerium,

There are times that my wife becomes frustrated with the time I spend on RN but in reality, realizes that the alternative is much worse.

bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 27, 2016, 12:10:31 AM
Hi Bob,
My wife gets frustrated with the time I spend on RN and NO Fap.  BUt she plays video games so it is a much better time investment for me than that.  I realize that the time will come wehn I don't spend as much time on the forums, but I want to give to others ont he forumssince I have received so much encouragement.

Cheers to you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 27, 2016, 08:22:19 AM
Good job bob. Everyday we don't give in, we get stronger. I have to admit without your support and encouragment, I almost guarantee I would have slipped. I keep thinking of your post a week or so ago, how you said I'm holding you to that jaystock. I think about that a lot, when my mind begins to go to the dark side. Stay strong brother. Damn bob, I'm almost tearing up. Seriously. Porn isn't ever an option.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 27, 2016, 04:44:34 PM
Thanks RuntoSpirit,

It's nice to know that there are others that work with the challenges of time spent on RN. I assumed that I wasn't the only one. One thing is that eventually, I am able to explain that it is helpful to be here so much; that I don't want to consider the alternative. In truth, she understands.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 27, 2016, 04:54:40 PM
Jaystock,

You bet I will hold you accountable. Your too good a man to slip when you have worked so hard to change. It is accountability that gives us the added reason to change; to continue with the process, to be who you should be.

Your success gives me strength.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 29, 2016, 07:47:08 AM
Tides coming in.....

Surfs Up!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 29, 2016, 12:29:29 PM
Bob, your just about a month into it. It feels pretty good huh. I'm very proud of you. You took that trip, and kept clear of the porn shops. That would be hard to do. I know by now that brain is really missing those dopamine hits. Keep strong brother. As Howard jones said in 1986" things can only get better, oh oh oh oh oh ". You remember.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 29, 2016, 12:35:34 PM
Tides coming in.....

Surfs Up!
Well Hang 30 and drop down in the pocket!  Shoot the tube, Dude!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 30, 2016, 04:29:46 PM
Made goal number 4. 1/3 of the way to my hard ninty!

   
    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days

    45 days (half way)
    60 days
    75 days
    90 days The main goal
    Challenging days I perceive in the future.

    I am in charge of my recovery.
    I am in charge of my urges.
    I am in charge of my life.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 30, 2016, 05:29:15 PM
You guy., Let's hear it for those 90 days! 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on July 30, 2016, 05:34:02 PM
congratulations Bob, you deserve it !
Great to see you progress.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 31, 2016, 09:16:55 AM
Congrats on 30!  Keep ur momentum going, forward motion, no going back. We've burned the ships and can no longer return to the PMO shores.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 31, 2016, 02:21:04 PM
Thanks folks,

Your support means the world to me.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on July 31, 2016, 03:40:29 PM
One more weekend down bob. I'm proud of you. It seems like the longer I'm away from it, the less I think about it, funny how that works. Keep it up brother
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 31, 2016, 07:33:34 PM
that's right Jaystock.
When in our brain fog we might think that the longer we go the harder it is going to be to resist, but the truth is that the longer we go the more the brain rewires and works ON OUR BEHALF instead of pulling us to addiction's acting out.   I am on day 39 tomorrow for no PMO so we are close in our current round of streaks!
Cheers
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on July 31, 2016, 09:25:46 PM
that's right Jaystock.
When in our brain fog we might think that the longer we go the harder it is going to be to resist, but the truth is that the longer we go the more the brain rewires and works ON OUR BEHALF instead of pulling us to addiction's acting out.   I am on day 39 tomorrow for no PMO so we are close in our current round of streaks!
Cheers
Thats absolutely true, the further I get away from my last PMO, the less appeal P has for me.  For a while in the beginning of my Reboot, say the first 40 days, it concerned me because I still had a taste for P.  I didn't want to, but if I was honest I had one, but now I struggle to even imagine wanting to PMO, I'm approaching my 90 days and its much better now, I no longer feel like a caged animal.  Praise God.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on July 31, 2016, 09:50:47 PM
HI CHip,
Thanks for holding out to us the positive changes that we can go through.   I think I am approaching the stage where PMO and masturbation hold absolutely no interest for me.   And I now loathe porn for all the ill it has done.   Blessings on your recovery.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2016, 09:48:31 AM
To anyone who may be experiencing the same feelings...

I continue on with my recovery and while I am moving forward, I am currently struggling.

For a while in the beginning of my Reboot, say the first 40 days, it concerned me because I still had a taste for P.  I didn't want to, but if I was honest I had one, but now I struggle to even imagine wanting to PMO,

I no longer feel like a caged animal.

Maybe it is just the need for time to pass but it continues to test me.

I was away from my wife last week. This past weekend, I traveled with her and we passed an inordinate number of porn shops, strip clubs, and adult bookstores. The pull was great. With the HALT (Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Tired) feelings I was experiencing, I am not sure I would have been able to resist if I would have been alone. I wasn't alone and I didn't go to those establishments but I am not sure how I would have reacted if I was on the road by myself.

Yesterday my wife left for her trip. Now I am alone again for another 5 days. I had hoped to make love before she left. We didn't.

I am hoping the extended time of 30-45 days will help ease these concerns but at the present time it doesn't feel like it will.

I should say that P really isn't the draw. MO and O in itself is what I long to experience. I also know that (in the past) MO isn't where it stops. It it the beginning, a point in which PMO is thought of as an option. I don't want that so I continue forward, finding things to do to keep me active and away from tha slippery slope.

I long to be out of the cage; to feel the freedom of a life where PMO and MO aren't the center of focus. I long for these thoughts to be afterthoughts.

I try to stay positive when I post here at RN as I know that a positive attitude goes a long way in the journey of recovery. I also try to post positive thoughts of how I have personally worked through the challenges I have encounter. However, today it would seem fake. Maybe that is the important part. That other rebooters can see that someone who is currently in the process has the same feelings and desires that they may personally feel themselves. I don't know. All I know is that I want to be through with this whole thing and get on with a more positive and complete life. This has been a part of my life for too long. It has to go.

Sorry, rambling a bit I know...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 01, 2016, 10:49:28 AM
Bob, I know exactly what you mean by, "The pull".  Its like having 2 minds, the logical mind says, "No I don't need to do this".  The other mind is screaming, "I gotta have this!" and so we wrestle with it, juggling it in our minds, debating, but this is a mistake in my experience.  The best approach is what your doing, avoiding it, dismissing it, no discussion or weighing options.  We have to be honest about our weakness's so we can be ready for those situations and avoid those pitfalls.  I promise you this, if you keep on dismissing the thoughts, no debate, over time their voices grow weaker.  Also you begin to build a reflex to instantly deal with them as they arise and put them back down.  I also experienced the pitfall of MO, I originally considered it ok as long as it pertained to my wife, but what I found was that, like you said, "It doesn't stop there".  Once you give your brain the slightest dopamine hit, its "Game On!"  Keep it up Bob, I'm around if you need me.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2016, 11:21:54 AM
Chip,

I'm around if you need me.

Thanks. That means a lot to me.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 01, 2016, 11:27:33 AM
Hi Bob,
Rooting for you to keep dismantling those temptations while your wife is away.  This will be  big victory for you when these 5 days are through. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2016, 11:57:04 AM
RuntoSpirit,

This will be  big victory for you when these 5 days are through.

Not much on religion but,

Amen!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on August 01, 2016, 03:10:24 PM
Keep up the good work Bob.  Surf on top of those urges, rather than letting them knock you down and get you all twisted upside down. You've got a good run going here.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2016, 05:17:34 PM
TK- 421,

Surf on top of those urges, rather than letting them knock you down and get you all twisted upside down.

Good point. I just need to stay active, make lists, exercise, and eat right. Sometimes my vision gets clouded on the goal before me.

As with many that I read about here, my ADD tries to run my life for me. I need to realize my strengths and weaknesses and move forward to the best of my ability.

bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chile on August 01, 2016, 05:49:21 PM
Hey Bob you continue to be an inspiration to all the guys who follow your posts. Your care for others makes you greatly appreciated. You can get through the tough times buddy. We all can. Peace!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 02, 2016, 10:56:02 AM
Thanks for the supporting and kind words in my journal.  Your doing really good, keep it up, stay with it.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 02, 2016, 11:36:45 AM
To Chile and Chip whose words have always encouraged... Thank you.

I hope that all who are here realize the impact we have on others. Individuals who are just starting on the process (new to RN) may think they don't have anything to say... Not true.

Everyone who is on this journey has the ability to support and nurture others.

I set a goal to be pmo/mo free for 90 days. As I get closer to the halfway point of 45 days (10 days away!) I am thinking of where I will be going when I get to day 90. I acknowledge that 90 days is just the start. This process is a life journey; one that will not stop. And the path has not been easy. I have had doubts and feelings of hopelessness throughout this process. But, I am going to make it. I owe it to myself. I want to become a better man. The individual who I am meant to be. And, porn is not included in this man's life.

With that in mind, I am going to begin the process of weening myself away from RN. I have talked about this in the past but have found it difficult. I will continue to read and post but visiting multiple times a day is, in its self, not the best use of my time. I enjoy the comments I get from others but I need to realize I am my own person who can continue on with this journey. As an individual, I am my own person, strong with my own convictions.

Others have had success and have left RN. And while one once said that "when you are healthy, you no longer need the hospital", I felt sad when I had learned that some of my friends were leaving. In reality I should be rejoicing in the success of these individuals. They took part in the journey and for them the journey on RN has ended. They have moved on to full and complete lives. They have become stronger individuals who know what they want out of life and have made the move to embrace these challenges.

I too want that success. To accomplish this I realize that I hold the strength within myself to make this transition. I can live porn free and I must do this on my own, without a 24/7 connection to RN. I have a career that allows me a great deal of time on the internet. This was a curse when it can to porn and a blessing when I felt the pull of porn. RN allowed me to transfer desire of porn to a visit to RN. That eventually has to change. I need to make it on my own, successfully without porn.

So, my goal is to reduce my visits to once a day.

I don't think I could have gotten to this point without RN. For the support and love that I have received during my time on RN I am thankful to Gabe for starting this process, Gary Wilson for his informative research, and all of the others who have made this possible. To folks just beginning the process, I wish you the best of luck. You are in a community of nurturing and supportive individuals.

I leave you with wise thoughts of my dear friend Leon. He is no longer posting on RN but his journal, "The End of All Flesh" is well worth the read.

Cry as it may, the beast doesn't get a cookie.

Peace my friends
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 02, 2016, 12:01:17 PM
CRY AS IT MAY, THE BEAST DOESN'T GET A COOKIE -- I love that!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Delerium on August 02, 2016, 05:46:43 PM
Hey Bob I totally understand the desire to check RN less.  You as well as others on RN have been a great support.

You are an inspiration to me as well.  Keep up the great work!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 02, 2016, 10:06:14 PM
If you need to don't hesitate to come back.  I agree with what you said about the hospital and getting well, but I view this as a military hospital and my RN buds are my brothers in arms.  I too considered leaving when our friends moved on, but I quickly saw in just a few days the value of what RN provided me.  There is strength in numbers.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on August 03, 2016, 03:51:29 PM
Peace to you too bob, and take your time.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 04, 2016, 02:47:36 PM
Made day 35.

Seems like I am coasting at the moment. Don't feel I will slip but don't feel all that great at the moment. Bit depressed and lonely with my wife away. Funny but it seems like I will get so much done when I will be by myself. When it happens, I slip into a daze and don't feel like doing anything.

I know this is not a good situation. Upside, she comes home tomorrow. Now I just have to get things picked up so the house looks OK on her arrival.

I keep the HALT acronym in my mind so I understand the concerns about being lonely...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 04, 2016, 04:58:50 PM
Remind us of what, "HALT" stands for...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 04, 2016, 05:47:36 PM
HALT stands for the following;

H = Hurt
A = Angry
L = Lonely
T = Tired


Each of these feelings/emotions leave us vulnerable which in turn leaves us open to a lapse. Its times like that we search for something to ease the pain. For that reason, we need to be especially vigilant when we are hurt, angry, lonely, and tired.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Delerium on August 04, 2016, 10:55:51 PM
HALT stands for the following;

H = Hurt
A = Angry
L = Lonely
T = Tired


Each of these feelings/emotions leave us vulnerable which in turn leaves us open to a lapse. Its times like that we search for something to ease the pain. For that reason, we need to be especially vigilant when we are hurt, angry, lonely, and tired.

Peace

Thanks for that Bob.  I know I'm vulnerable to relapsing if I don't sleep well because it triggers some depression. 

You're an inspiration, keep going!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 05, 2016, 01:03:56 AM
I want to send out a message to Window, a dear friend who left RN some time back. I think of you often and hope your doing well.

If you ever come back as a guest on RN I would love to hear how you are doing.

Peace my brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 05, 2016, 09:06:48 PM
H.U.R.T.  That's so true. When all, or one of those happen, there's nothing better than pmo'ing.  Stay strong bob, stay busy
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 06, 2016, 12:07:02 PM
H.U.R.T.  That's so true. When all, or one of those happen, there's nothing better than pmo'ing.  Stay strong bob, stay busy
I don't mean to split hairs, but maybe it should be, "...there's nothing better than replacing my PMO with something healthy."  As I've said many times, this battle is in the mind and for years we conditioned ourselves to think, feel and believe the PMO is gonna help us feel better, but it really doesn't, it adds depression and shame to whatever was causing us pain/stress to begin with.  Its important we change not only our habits but our mindset, how we see PMO.  If we romanticize it, then its easier to run back to it, but if we shine the light of truth on it, we see how its anything but good.  We need to keep and maintain a negative view of PMO in our minds, it hurts us and it hurts others, even kills... 

Way back in the early days of my reboot and during my false starts prior, I kept a fond memory in my head of the "false" good aspects of porn & PMO.  Doing this contributed to my relapses, it kept my tied to PMO.  Last night my wife and I were watching a movie, "LA Confidential", there are brief glimpses of nude still shots, but very risque.  My wife had chosen this movie and quickly grabbed the remote and apologized out of fear it may effect me in a negative way, but it didn't.  I saw briefly what were in the photos, but instead of seeing them as delicious lusty treats(like I use to) I felt sadness and shame, not just for me but for them too.  Knowing what I know now about the porn industry, the sex trades, human trafficking, child brides and so many other ways people(humans) end up in front of the camera, I can not, I must not, ever find pleasure in someone else's pain, even if they themselves are unaware why the feel compelled to do it.  None of this is natural, normal or healthy, it is death plain & simple.

For years I viewed porn/PMO as a beautiful luscious chocolate cake that I could feast on for my own pleasure.  It turns out that chocolate cake is made of feces, broken glass, razor blades, disease, abuse, rape, dehumanization, suicide and very often a shameful lonely death.  Why on earth would any of us chose to take another bite knowing what we know.... 
No, there is so much more that is better for us than PMO'ing when we are stressed or weak, we just have to make the effort to find it, that's all.   


PORN=DEATH
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 06, 2016, 12:41:56 PM
Thanks Chip, Jaystock,

Chip, I am going to take your thoughts one step further. From now on out I am not going to even capitalize pmo or mo. I want nothing of the pain, shame and loneliness these acts caused me. I know its an acronym, but I refuse to give it any distinction of importance.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 06, 2016, 03:24:37 PM
You know what Bob,  I like this.   NO pmo for me either.
Way to go BOB!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 06, 2016, 06:26:02 PM
Thanks Chip, Jaystock,

Chip, I am going to take your thoughts one step further. From now on out I am not going to even capitalize pmo or mo. I want nothing of the pain, shame and loneliness these acts caused me. I know its an acronym, but I refuse to give it any distinction of importance.

Peace
I like that, reducing its significance and reducing its power.  pmo/mo, be gone, we can't be friends anymore.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 07, 2016, 12:05:42 PM
Greeting folks,

We have recently had quite a few individuals join in the battle to be pmo free. I think that's great. What I would like to do is challenge those any lurkers. I hate the negativity of that term but if you are here, you know who you are.

If...


This is the place.

Doesn't matter the gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, or your stature in life. Take the first step and join this group.

We have all been there. We know what you are going through. It will not be easy but we know you can do it. It's OK if you slip. You just have to keep trying. It usually doesn't happen the first time. You just have to want porn free life.

It can be done. We are here and we will supportive and understanding in your journey as we are all moving forward together.

Peace

Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 08, 2016, 09:37:06 AM
Surf must be up today. Better wax up the board and get ready. The urges are coming in pulses like waves hitting the beach. Going to approach it with a positive attitude and ride them out.

Being here to talk about it makes the board stronger, and the wax grip better. Waves will wane after a while and I will move one to another day closer to the halfway mark of my goal.

45 days will be an amazing accomplishment for me. I would have never thought it was even possible. Hell, I would beat off just to relax and go to sleep at night.

Thanks to everyone who continues to help make this possible.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Geo62 on August 08, 2016, 09:57:25 AM
Stay strong man! Stay strong!!! Put on those board shorts and ride those waves brother!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on August 08, 2016, 03:13:21 PM
Bob,
I feel you're on the right track now, you are doing great !
It's nice to see you progress, and keeping your spirit up. Positivity is key.
Congratulations my friend.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on August 08, 2016, 03:23:44 PM
Bob, I can see and feel that you are getting some real momentum. Well done! I know you have been on here for a while and it's good to see you make some real progress. You are right, the urges DO pass.  It does take some strength and experience to come to that realization - but we don't have to let them become some uncontrollable force in our lives. Just breathe and remember what you are trying to accomplish and why.

TK-421
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 08, 2016, 03:38:28 PM
Thank you TK-421, Hopeful, and Geo62,

Hearing from others always seems to help me get through tough times when my mind starts to wander.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 08, 2016, 05:44:12 PM
Hey Bob,

Keep going man, BLessings on those 45 days that you are coming up on!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 08, 2016, 05:57:48 PM
RuntoSpirit,

Its getting closer isn't it.

Half way to 90. Its kind of mind boggling to think that I can actually do this. I know, I made a commitment and I am going to stick to it. However, if you would have asked me about this 2 years ago I would have said your crazy, that is if I was brave enough to admit of pmo and mo to anyone.

Thanks for your support,

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoMorePr0n on August 08, 2016, 06:08:12 PM
Ok bob, you have come this far, why not go all the way to 90 days? It will not be easy but if you can do 40 days, you can do 90 days as well! Strength to you  my fellow rebooter!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 08, 2016, 06:31:41 PM
NoMore,

I'm on my way.

45 days is only the next goal. After that its on my way to 90 and beyond.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 09, 2016, 06:34:32 AM
Congratulations Bob on coming up on your 45 days.  I share in your excitimemt to have gone so long.  For me it is such a change from a long ingrained habit!  A new habit of abstinence that is paying huge rewards.  BLessings to you in recovery.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Delerium on August 09, 2016, 07:33:18 AM
Hey Bob, well done, you are coming up to 45 days fast!  Keep up the great work. :)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 09, 2016, 09:32:21 AM
NoMore,

I'm on my way.

45 days is only the next goal. After that its on my way to 90 and beyond.

Peace
I tell you what, Dude.  You are blowing me away with your progress this trip.  Your confidence is contagious.  Keep that positive attitude, keep riding those waves, but always be vigilant with a watchful eye for a rogue wave of temptation.  I'm so honored to be on this journey with you, I have tears in my eyes as I type.  \nnn/
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 09, 2016, 08:35:54 PM
Thanks Chip,

I am humbled by your comments.

We can do this together! A new life without pmo.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: malando on August 09, 2016, 08:51:48 PM
Thanks Chip,

I am humbled by your comments.

We can do this together! A new life without pmo.

Peace

I'm coming too! All the guys who are further along than I am give me something to aspire to.

Nice going, Bob.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 10, 2016, 08:30:09 AM
malando,

I believe we can all make it through to the end. Supporting each other we can make a real difference.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 10, 2016, 10:07:42 AM
malando,

I believe we can all make it through to the end. Supporting each other we can make a real difference.

Peace
40 Days and shredding waves like a pro.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Oneway on August 13, 2016, 01:39:01 AM
Congrats on the 43 days! Approaching 50 fast. You will make it!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 14, 2016, 01:15:36 PM
Today, I achieve 45 days clean!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)

    60 days
    75 days
    90 days The main goal
    Challenging days I perceive in the future.


Halfway to my 90-day goal of being pmo and mo free, I am proud to reach 45 days without a lapse. For me it’s an amazing accomplishment. 18 months ago, I would not have thought it possible. While not easy, I must say, RebootNation supported me in my journey.

I see a diverse chorus of voices here at RN.  Communicating with other rebooter’s, I have gotten to know individuals from all stages of life. With diverse levels of spiritualty and religious philosophies, different sexual orientations, people; both men and women throughout the world have the goal to break free of porn’s grip on their life. This diversity makes us strong. Our differences provides an opportunity to learn and grow.


Together we are stronger.
Together we will do this.
Together we will realize our full potential.


Thank you folks. You play have played big part in my recovery. I wouldn’t be here without your support.

Peace


    I am in charge of my recovery.
    I am in charge of my urges.
    I am in charge of my life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 14, 2016, 02:46:46 PM
You are in the zone, dude!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: neuroguy on August 14, 2016, 05:46:32 PM
Way to go, man!!! Keep it up! May the force be with us all!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 14, 2016, 08:23:39 PM
Thanks neuro, chip,

I appreciate your support. Onward and upward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Geo62 on August 15, 2016, 11:35:00 AM
Well done bob!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 15, 2016, 04:08:49 PM
Good job bob. There's no stopping you now.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Oneway on August 16, 2016, 01:46:41 PM
You're going great bob. 47 days. You have now beaten my life time record with one day. I am happy for you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2016, 02:59:45 PM
Thanks Geo, Jaystock, and Oneway.

As always your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2016, 03:10:35 PM
I wanted to post this so I could locate it when I needed. These are great reads if you haven't read them before.


William - "Hello Gentlemen, Now we begin"
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

Leon - The End of All Flesh
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2605.msg25028#msg25028

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2016, 02:41:37 PM
Always wondered what would happen if i was to find a hidden stash of porn...

Well, today was the day. I did a quick search for a folder name I use to use, not expecting anything but checking to make sure my computer was clean. It came up and when I determined it was actually porn, I quickly deleted it. Had a twinge of "I wonder..." but didn't give the time to even be questioned.

Found it. Trashed it. Glad to know it's gone.

Could have been a scary encounter.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hopeful on August 17, 2016, 03:17:00 PM
proud of you Bob,
doesn't it get easier to say no ? I'm sure it does. Another small victory. Small steps but you'll get there.
Good luck !
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Geo62 on August 17, 2016, 03:56:57 PM
Hey there bob. Nice one! You're well on your way to a clean brain and clean computer!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2016, 04:03:05 PM
Geo,

My computer is now spotless.

Still scrubbing on my brain. Might take a but more time or a bit more soap.  ;D
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 18, 2016, 08:07:13 AM
Try kerosene, works wonders. ;D
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 18, 2016, 09:11:35 AM
 ;)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jaystock on August 18, 2016, 09:42:43 AM
Good job on trashing the porn. I've done that before. It's hard to do. It's like getting rid of an old friend you've had for years.    Stay strong bob.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 18, 2016, 11:51:55 AM
Jaystock,

Your doing well yourself. If we both keep this up we will both be able to make it!

When I first did the search, I didn't think I would find anything. I was sure my machine didn't have anything on it. Then it popped up. Pulse, and blood pressure spiked. I got rid of it as fast as I could.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 18, 2016, 12:46:39 PM
I have something that I would like to share...

Past few weeks I have felt like I have made great progress, feeling no particularly pull from porn. But porn hasn't been my only issue. I have visited a good number of Adult Bookstores (ABS) and other public places where getting off is the main intent. Those places seemed to have a bigger draw for me then just porn. The plan for the visit, pulling into the parking lot, blood pumping, mouth dry... its all a huge dopamine rush.

I know this behavior isn't smart or safe. I know this in my heart.  But in the past, the pull has been so strong.

About two weeks ago I passed by one of these places during a trip with my wife. No problem. What am I going to do, stop the car and say, "hone, I will be right back?" I felt the pull but I passed right by. Then, I learned that I might have to take that same trip by myself. I would have passed by that same ABS. As soon as thought about it my brain started feel the pull.

I got on RN and sent out a couple of PM to my friends describing my thoughts and frustrations. Their combined responses were enlightening.  One comment was,


"The road to recovery is a hard one, and I assure you I have no judgement, but for your recovery you must find a way to kindly and gently stop it. There is no more or less shame in what you are doing vs porn. It's the dopamine rush."


Another friend had these comments,

"...we're always in control. Even if in the moment we got caught up in obsessive thoughts, and started to act them out, we can still disrupt it, snap out of it, and breathe through it back to normalcy... There's no force that can take you, even if it's your lower brain with its animistic tendencies, nothing can take you and force you to do anything."

It is at this point that I realized it is all the same. ABS, prostitutes, or internet hook-ups; one isn't irresistible over the others. Any activity (like these) are our lower brains screaming for dopamine. We can change. We can be who we want to be. We do not have to follow dopamine call for that temporary and fleeting reward.

"It's just a building of people PMO'ing their heads off, ruining their lives, trying to fill the vacuum with empty cotton candy- that tastes sweet in the moment, but quickly dissipates and leaves only cavities and bad memories... Practice this: whenever you see one (ABS), or drive by one- simply acknowledge that it's there. Don't avert your eyes, but neither look at it favorably either. Don't judge it, don't judge yourself. See it disinterestedly, as if you were watching a play. Stay in the moment, breathe deeper and stay calm and centered. Soon, you'll see that it's just a building, and it's evil will lose it's spell over you.

It is at this point that I realized it is all the same. ABS, prostitutes, or internet hook-ups; one isn't irresistible over the others. Any activity (like these) are our lower brains screaming for dopamine. We can change. We can be who we want to be. We do not have to follow dopamine call for that temporary and fleeting reward. One vice doesn't have the power to make us do anything we don't want to do. None of it has any power.

I am my own person and its all the same; something I am going to leave behind.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Geo62 on August 18, 2016, 01:07:08 PM
Hey my friend. Yea, you are my friend from another mother from another continent!

You're a brave man and a warrior. As I've stated in my journal before, some guys here have come with a porn addiction, others have come with a porn addiction and some extra baggage.

I salute you and I congratulate you. ABS is great on a car, and kak in your life. Kak is now MY official word here, go read my post for the definition. Spell check and I are having a big fight over this word!

When we wire wrong we open the doors to a hole bunch of weird and it feels so damn good at the time. But deep down inside wo know it doesn't not feel good at all.

Take care. You're a champ!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 18, 2016, 03:00:55 PM
Thanks for sharing that and your right it's not all specifically porn, many things can trigger dopamine release. I'm proud of you that you recognized the issue and have found a way to deal with it. That's awesome.

Chip
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on August 19, 2016, 01:06:29 AM
Thanks for sharing this post Bob. So true.

When I put down the porn, I start contemplating the personals in Craig's List or visiting a prostitute. It is all the same.

Peace and strength to you my friend.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 20, 2016, 09:12:26 AM
Congrats on 50, you're over the hump! 8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 20, 2016, 12:42:43 PM
Thanks Chip,

It feels good. Always nice to hear from you.

I beginning planning for the post 90; what I can put in place when I don't think about counting the days. Have some ideas that I will post latter on.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 23, 2016, 05:46:42 PM
Hey folks,

Moving on past 50 days. Not much to describe but just plugging along.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on August 24, 2016, 02:12:35 AM
Hi Bob,

It is great when you have confidence that you can keep going and not give in to this thing.   I am not suggesting a false bravado, but there is definitely an assurance that we can have that as we maintain our vigilance we need not fear this thing at all.
Happy 50 days to you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: notgivinup on August 24, 2016, 12:55:01 PM
Hey Bob...thanks for continuing to check in.
I'm still here and still on the move away from pmo.

I hope you are doing well.

Thanks.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: L.T.D. on August 25, 2016, 02:21:44 PM
Nice Job Bob! I'm back on here. Been gone a year. Good to see some familiar names.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 26, 2016, 11:17:03 PM
Oreos.

I really like them.

If I buy them, I eat them. I can plan on having just one. It never happens. If I eat one, I eat them all. I usually finish the whole package. Then my family come in the kitchen and asks, “hey, where are the Oreos?”

The shame is pretty intense.

Oreos are not worth it.

I need to stay away from them. If I see them in the store, I should understand they are on the shelf but I should just walk on by. If I don’t buy them, I don’t eat them. If I don’t eat them, I don’t miss them. I feel better when I don’t eat them. I am surviving without Oreos. Some people can buy them. Some people can eat just one. That’s not me. I need to stay away from them. I know they are available, but I need to just pass on by. I am better off without Oreos.

I guess Porn is just like Oreos.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Delerium on August 26, 2016, 11:31:02 PM
Congrats on passing 50 Bob!!  :)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 28, 2016, 03:37:21 PM
Working on the computer,,, Needed to understand how to run things from a command line so i googled it. One of the searches was a youtube video.

BOOM


On the list of suggested videos were potential p-subs. Blood pressure spiked. Heart rate jumped. I looked over to suggested videos and there were others. All "doors to the other side." 

I looked away.

Almost to 60 days and the pull still comes on quick and strong. Just have to make sure I don't eat that first cookie.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 28, 2016, 04:10:42 PM
You are in the zone my man!  Stay with it, your force is strong,
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on August 28, 2016, 04:54:13 PM
You're doing great, Bob!  Keep going!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Geo62 on August 28, 2016, 04:57:27 PM
Good one bob!! Beware the Cookie Monster!!! Rock that 60 tomorrow!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on August 29, 2016, 02:13:11 PM
Hey bob, it's jaystock. Some how got logged off, and couldn't get back on rn. I had to make a new profile. I need to figure out how to make a new counter. I'm 69 days clean, and getting stronger by the  day
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2016, 04:29:50 PM
Jaystock,

I think you can just click on my counter and set up your own counter from there.

Glad you let me know what was going on. I would have been sick with worry that you had some challenges that turned your direction. You are doing great! Keep going.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2016, 04:37:09 PM
Today, I achieve 60 days clean!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)
    60 days

    75 days
    90 days The main goal
    Challenging days I perceive in the future.


I am more than halfway to my 90-day goal of being pmo and mo free! I am doing great. Still have to watch the cookie.  Those Oreos are killers

Thank you folks. You continue to play big part in my recovery. I wouldn’t be here without your support.

Peace


    I am in charge of my recovery.
    I am in charge of my urges.
    I am in charge of my life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on August 29, 2016, 04:41:04 PM
Great to see you finally getting some traction Bob after a few false starts. You are an example of perseverance here for other guys.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on August 29, 2016, 04:44:40 PM
Your doing awesome bob. I still say your success is helping me. If your not going to pmo, and then by god neither am i. Keep your head up brother, we are fighting the good fight
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2016, 05:39:18 PM
Thanks TK-421,

I appreciate it.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hoague on August 29, 2016, 10:40:27 PM
Bob congrats man. It's wonderful to see and inspirational. It is the first taste of something bad for you that triggers the binge. Great imagery and a great thing to keep in mind.

Continued success!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 30, 2016, 08:32:32 AM
I have to say, I have full confidence you are done with xyz and will blow past 90.  Your different this time, more confident, in control of yourself, making better decision, its awesome to watch.

Chip
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 30, 2016, 08:28:58 PM
Thanks Chip, hoague,

I feel like I am truly going to make it.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 30, 2016, 09:07:55 PM
I've been thinking about how I have been able to get to this point. I thought I would share some of my thoughts.

Like an alcoholic, I am one drink away from the gutter.


Before this journey, I never really got that statement. In my mind I would ask, "what do you meant?" If I was an alcoholic and I have one drink, I might as well give up because by the end of the night I will be there anyway? Now I can see that the alcoholic might just have one drink and stop. They can quit. But, being proud of themselves, they might think they can have another. Maybe a couple. And... gutter, here I come.

This thing with porn is the same. I personally realize that I can't ever let my guard down. Hot babe in a compromising position; look away. The "click here" to see the latest photos of celebrities in skimpy bathing suites? Nope; not going to do it. If anything passes in front of me that I think I need to see? No I don't. It doesn't help my cause. It doesn't satisfy anything. It is never enough. It just makes me want to see more.

I work at a university and you can imaging when fall arrives and all the young women return to campus. They are everywhere. And hey, I'm not dead. I see them. If they are attractive or sexy, I can say to myself, "yes they are." But, I don't dwell on it. I move on. I have better things, more satisfying things that I can do. Grabbing a peek isn't going to improve my ability to stay away from porn. It doesn't help with my relationship with my wife. It doesn't make it a better day. It continues to remind me how easily I can be drawn in if I just have that peek.

The past is the past. Not going to go there anymore. I am done. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure I don't end up back in the gutter. Doesn't mean that I don't feel the pull. I am choosing to ignore it

My ability to sexualize everything is one reason I personally worked without blockers on my computer. I tried them early on but found the frustrating. I use computers for work and that is  the second reason. If I used the on my personal machine, I couldn't get away from it on other machines. And, while that stuff is there and available, I can't peek. Because one peek is never enough. I have to stay vigilant.

Is the struggle worth it? Well, I must say that sex with my wife; (making love really), is absolutely amazing. Why would I ever go back. Not this kid.

Sorry for the extended post. Just had a bit to say.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on August 30, 2016, 10:04:55 PM
Great post.  You're a new man.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on August 31, 2016, 02:07:39 AM
Loved your last post Bob. It has really inspired me and I need to brand this quote into my mind

Quote
Doesn't mean that I don't feel the pull. I am choosing to ignore it

It is quite natural to feel the pull. I need to learn to live with it when it arises, if I ever hope to beat this thing.

Congratulations on reaching 60 days. You're doing great.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 31, 2016, 06:22:12 AM
Thanks Branch,

Camus, When I feel the pull I try to realize that the feeling is positive as it is my mind fighting my brain. My brain acts on its own, out of survival. My mind is my the real me trying to make sense of this whole thing; to take the new me forward, away from the struggle.

When I use to see folks with time under their belt; over a hundred days, I always assumed that those individuals were somehow different. The path they took wasn't as bumpy. That they had some special power that eluded me.

If you think that is true, go back to the beginning of their journals. Most of their beginnings are fraught with pain, anguish, and struggle. They aren't any different than anyone here. People who succeed in this process are ones able to redefine themselves as different and new. They become individuals who aren't in the middle of porn; either using or recovery struggle.

We need to leave porn and all of its trappings and nuances behind. At some point we also need to leave the recovery process behind. Remain vigilant but move forward. I think Leon was the individual who coined the word recoveryism, a tendency to switch our compulsion of porn to the compulsion of recovery. 

"It was planned early on to disengage, but being predisposed to enjoying social media in general, one almost thinks this has to be a part of their life. But, hey! We don't live in a hospital once we're 'better', we get the hell out of there!"

 At some time, I believe we need to move on. I think it should be the goal of all rebooters. As we mature in this process, we are able to give the reins over to others in the thick of the struggle.


"I admit, I wasted a lot of time (over 20 plus year addiction), first in hyper-moralizing this thing, and thus shaming myself. Not understanding the science of habit change. And worse of all, buying into- even if a little- the notion that this addiction is somehow beyond our control, as if we were at the mercies of either triggers, traumas, or else needed to depend on others, 12 Step processes, or other nonsense.

Once these things are swept away, recovery becomes a lot more simplified. "


I will also admit that the idea of moving on is a bit scary. I have come to feel a great deal of love and friendship from the individuals I have conversed here at RN. To part from close relationship isn't easy. While I am not ready to leave the hospital; I am contemplating moving to a different ward.

One step closer to my new and exciting life of growth.

Peace my brothers and sisters.


..................

P.S. One last point.

I encourage you to go back and read Leon's journal. The journal has be locked (retired) but his words live on...  I am thankful that he has been a part of my life.


http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2605.675

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Chip on August 31, 2016, 08:47:34 AM
Reading your recent posts I think I see the leader for the next generation.  I remember when you always seemed so low, so beat up and just staggering punch drunk.  But now, your confident, in control, you speak with authority and authenticity and depth.  Your have gone 180 and its phenomenal.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 01, 2016, 11:41:39 PM
Bing, Bing, Bing,

Images, situations, events, individuals, life.  In their way, they all have the power to take us in another direction. Today was such a day. Blips as I will call them came fast and furious today. Multiple times I had to consciously redirect my thoughts, my eyes, my intent. How do i want to live? I know but Blips happen. Blips occur. One needs to address them, accept them, and define how to deal with them.

It isn't easy.That happen so quick. They can be innocuous household items; which to others mean nothing. It can be blatant involving people, places and positions. Move over. Reach down. It happened again.

Today seemed again and again and... again.

Odd. I would have assumed that someone who is feeling confident in their journey would have had a reduced reaction to Blips. That over 60 days, they would have reduced and gone away; at least reduced.

Guess that's why we are here. To make sure that they stay as Blips and don't progress any further away from the prescribed journey. 

To you, I hope your Blips are few.

Peace my friends.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on September 02, 2016, 10:05:32 PM
Bless you brother. I know those BLIPS make it a loooooooong day. Just think in a few hours we get to start a brand new day. I'm so proud of you bob. It would have been very easy to go back to the old ways. That's so funny, because I know what your talking about. It's like a avalanche, one bad thought,  and they just come in droves, you can't get away from them. Stay strong bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 03, 2016, 10:43:28 PM
Thank you Jay,

I appreciate that you understand that whole process of how things can hit you when you least expected it. My last post was Bing, Bing, Bing. Should have been Blip, Blip, Blip. Anyway, I am almost at 75% of my 90 day reboot.

I need to start thinking about what that 90 days means, how I will handle it. Will chat latter.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 04, 2016, 01:40:23 PM
Speaking just for myself, I liked Bing Bing Bing...   8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 04, 2016, 02:21:59 PM
Maybe the Bing, Bing, Bing, is the sound of the bell warning of the Blips to come. ;D
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 05, 2016, 09:51:23 AM
Well folks, this is a first. I am quoting myself. This was an old post made 9 days into my 90 pmo/mo free.

I am committed to make it through these 90 days. I know that the number (90) isn't magical but I hope the time will allow me an official detox and an affirmation that I have accomplished the challenge.

The point I want to make is the number of days isn't a panacea of addiction recovery. It's a point in the sand that defines the goal. It's an amazing number of days from someone who hadn't gone longer than 10-15 days mo free in the past 6 months. Before that it might have been 4 days but only because I was sick; and that didn't usually stop me. Honestly, the pattern of masturbation has been that insidious. I felt like I had no control over my behavior.

So, I have removed my counter. Not because I have failed to reach my goal. I have removed the counter because the goal itself is inconsequential.

I am in control of my own life. I don't want to be pmo/mo free for 90 days. I want to be pmo/mo free for life. I want it gone. I don't want to be abstinent as a new behavior. I want my behavior to reflect abstinence.

I need to mirror that behavior as normal behavior.

I will continue to rejoice over the future success of my accomplishments. To be 75 days and 90 days abstinent is still an accomplishment. I just need to acknowledge that this isn't unusual behavior. It is the new me.

Peace and love to all the brothers and sisters here at RN who continue to be supportive and who are working the process themselves. You success continues to be in my thoughts.

We all can accomplish this goal.

Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: L.T.D. on September 05, 2016, 10:00:04 AM
Bob, you are an inspiration! I am so very proud of you! Keep it up!

I haven't put a counter up because I look at it as a fail reminder and not as a success tracker. I still may when I get a few days clean from M, but for right now I'm not going to.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on September 05, 2016, 10:07:28 AM
Keep going Bob, you're doing great. On the blips, I find that they do come around every now and then - usually when I'm tired, stressed and if I've been dwelling too much on porn substitutes. The real revelation has been that they are always temporary. If I ride out an urge and realize that I don't need to act on it, the urge will pass (even if at the time it does not feel like it).

When I get to 90 this time, I think I will remove the counter as well. I think they are very useful at the beginning to get momentum going, but after the reboot is complete the goal is "forever" and to stop counting the days.

TK-421
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 05, 2016, 11:32:23 AM
LTD,

Thank you. You are what keep me moving forward. Peace to you in this process.

Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 05, 2016, 11:35:25 AM
TK,

I find that they do come around every now and then - usually when I'm tired, stressed and if I've been dwelling too much on porn substitutes.

You got that right, HALT

These are a killer.

If I ride out an urge and realize that I don't need to act on it, the urge will pass (even if at the time it does not feel like it).

That is what I am trying to do... Ride through the wave of desire.

Thank you for your inspiration and thoughts of wisdom.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 08, 2016, 10:48:56 PM
Good evening folks,

I continue my trek to the end of my 90 days. How is it going? What do I think I will do when I reach the 90 days?

Lately it has been a bit of a struggle. Seems like I am walking to a goal without a clear understanding of what the goal means, what it actually represents, and how I am planning to respond once it is obtained.

I think there is a basic understanding that if one is able to reach 90 days, then they are home free; that temptations and environments cease to create the stress and struggles of the early days of the process. I can tell you; and I honestly believe this to be true.... If I am to be successful in this lifestyle change I will have to eliminate my all of the items that could be considered p-subs. Even to things that could be considered mundane, I can't do it.

Look away. Don't go there. Stay away from titillating excursion sites on the net. Monitor my reading. Watch out for soft erotica audio books. Pass by temptations on the road. The list can go on. Anything sexual that boosts dopamine levels. ANYTHING.

The other question is what does post 90 look like? Do I reduce my time on RN (I do spend a great deal of time on here). I don't know. Guess I am a bit down at the moment.

Feel like deleting this but what the heck. Off it goes.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on September 09, 2016, 09:33:39 AM
Hey bob,

The post 90 day, day 91 is the first day of the rest of your life!  You still have goals.  Instead of I can't  ..........whatever.  Think I am making my marriage the best marriage I can.  There are things I can do to make my wife feel like the love of my life again.  I am doing this for me, her and our marriage.  I am a better man for having putting someone else above me.  I do not have to be selfish.  I can be a loving husband.  Focus on the goal of a good, happy rest of your life.  Be a soulmate again.  This song says it all!

https://youtu.be/1-ikfwXOtqE (https://youtu.be/1-ikfwXOtqE)

Once you listen to it, play it for your wife and ask her do dance to celebrate the 90 days and tell her it is for all the others days you have together!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on September 09, 2016, 10:57:32 AM
Good morning bob, again, I feel the exact same thing you are feeling. What we must remember about our 90 day reboot, is that we are 90 days better people. I know it can get discouraging. I think the same thing 90 days,BFD. I find myself thinking about the most bizarre shit you can imagine, but I know it's just my brain looking for a dopamine hit. I'm learning though to just change my thoughts, instantly
 It seems to work so far. Stay strong bob. You know it's just your brain trying to trick you. It's so weird how we are having the same problems. Stay strong brother. We are paying our dues.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on September 09, 2016, 12:13:14 PM
Good evening folks,

I continue my trek to the end of my 90 days. How is it going? What do I think I will do when I reach the 90 days?

Lately it has been a bit of a struggle. Seems like I am walking to a goal without a clear understanding of what the goal means, what it actually represents, and how I am planning to respond once it is obtained.

I think there is a basic understanding that if one is able to reach 90 days, then they are home free; that temptations and environments cease to create the stress and struggles of the early days of the process. I can tell you; and I honestly believe this to be true.... If I am to be successful in this lifestyle change I will have to eliminate my all of the items that could be considered p-subs. Even to things that could be considered mundane, I can't do it.

Look away. Don't go there. Stay away from titillating excursion sites on the net. Monitor my reading. Watch out for soft erotica audio books. Pass by temptations on the road. The list can go on. Anything sexual that boosts dopamine levels. ANYTHING.

The other question is what does post 90 look like? Do I reduce my time on RN (I do spend a great deal of time on here). I don't know. Guess I am a bit down at the moment.

Feel like deleting this but what the heck. Off it goes.

Peace

Bob, you're doing great. Keep on the path you are on - there will always be ups and downs. It's very encouraging to everyone here to see you get to new records after a few false starts. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you are "home free" after you get to 90 days. I'm going to make a bet that day 91 feels a lot like day 90. If you are expecting singing choirs and and a dove flying down with a scroll with all of the secrets of the universe, you will probably be disappointed. I think it is important to plan for what you will do post-reboot. Completing the reboot is an important milestone, but it is just the beginning of your new life. Give it some thought and write out what your plan is.

TK-421
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 10, 2016, 10:26:34 PM
Bob,

If you didn't have doubts along the way, you wouldn't be human.  I hope you don't lose sight of or faith in your amazing growth and progress.  Your transformation into strength, wisdom and renewal is truly remarkable and inspiring.  You've earned a lot of respect and admiration on RN, from me and many others.

I wanted to show you this quote from the great religious scholar, Joseph Campbell.  Even if you've seen it before, it seems apt.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."
                                                                                                   
                                                                          --Joseph Campbell

Love and respect,

Branch



Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: balanced on September 11, 2016, 09:33:42 AM
Bob, the 90 day mark was just a stake in the ground to create direction for the change you are making. Remember, this is not a diet to lose 20 pounds, this is more like learning to eat healthy for the rest of your life. It is not about avoiding bad things, it is about developing new behaviors that give you freedom from those things and enjoying that freedom to create new sources of satisfaction.

Consider changing your counter to a "days since" approach. I'm at Day 1,039 of becoming a better person, a better man, a better husband, a better boss, a better sibling, a better son.

"90 Days" is just a road sign, a mile marker on your persona  interstate. Keep driving, you'll find it's a great road trip.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 11, 2016, 12:46:19 PM
Thanks to all for the comments on my journal. Balanced, Stede, Branch, TK;  you all are an inspiration. Your support and understanding assist me in journey.

I continue to contemplate my 91st day and beyond.
Continuing to visit RN can it itself become a compulsion.


I have written about this before. Its the, "you don't stay in the hospital after your done with surgery." After all, many people get sick when they stay in the hospital. Maybe one needs to distance themselves from the reboot process. Maybe the constant visitation to RN provides in itself a need to dwelling on porn.

Let me be clear. I will make it to my 90 days. But, what I need to decide is how i move on after I reach my goal.

Honestly, isn't the goal a porn free life; not a porn free life for 90 days?

The 90 days is just the reboot. We all need to plan for is getting back to life. 

I have started the process. I am seeing an excellent counselor, I am joining a club, joined an exercise group, started to eat healthy, and am planning on taking part in a city wide charity event. Involvement with people is the key. But, emotionally I still need to think this whole thing through.

Thank you for the opportunity to ramble. It assists my understanding of the process. The porn/masturbation escape cycle has been in play for a long time. A healthy life from this point forward truly requires a lifestyle change.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 11, 2016, 01:03:58 PM
Excellent post, Bob.  You're dealing with important issues in a thoughtful, intelligent manner.  I'm sure you'll find the answers and direction you seek.

And if you're not on RN again for awhile, that's cool and understood.  You're right about the long-term roles of RN and the hard 90, both of which are stepping stones, not ends in themselves.

Thanks for the good word.

Wishing you well!

Branch
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on September 12, 2016, 05:21:26 PM
Hi, Bob.

Lately I've been drawn to your journal at exactly the time I need to be it seems. (I appreciate your referencing my journal recently-  :) )

I read what you say above, concerning what to do after 90 days is reached. I know we talked about it, but I thought I would turn you on to a couple of links from someone on YBR, Omega Man, whom I really respect:

90 Day Recap (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=12153.msg209618#msg209618)

And----

There are Only Two Stages in This Process (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=19376.msg333537#msg333537)

I hope that these references (and Omega Man's journal in general) are a blessing and a resource as they are/were to me. It's because of the calibre of your reboot, and your determined efforts, Bob, that bring me out of my reclusion.

Blessings.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: fyg on September 12, 2016, 06:54:05 PM
Congrats on where you're at Bob. I know I don't comment in your journal often at all, but I can see this is a BIG achievement! Congrats, man ;)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: fyg on September 12, 2016, 06:54:44 PM
Good to see you too, Leon!  :)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 13, 2016, 10:33:33 PM
Today, I achieve 75 days clean!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)
    60 days
    75 days

    90 days The main goal
    91 days and a new beginning

    I am in charge of my recovery.
    I am in charge of my urges.
    I am in charge of my life.


Peace folks
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 13, 2016, 10:34:51 PM
Thanks fyg, Leon,

I appreciate your thoughts.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 14, 2016, 03:12:51 PM
Leon,

Thank you so much for this specific posts

90 Day Recap (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=12153.msg209618#msg209618)

And----

There are Only Two Stages in This Process (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=19376.msg333537#msg333537)


Omega Man has a wonderful way with words and the wisdom of someone who changed their life.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on September 14, 2016, 04:20:47 PM
Hey Bob,
Congratulations on those 75 days!  It is so great to have a mind that is rebooting.
Cheers to you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Rebooter40 on September 14, 2016, 04:28:56 PM
Yes congratulations to the both of you
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 15, 2016, 04:20:23 PM
Thanks guys. Your comments mean a lot to me.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 15, 2016, 04:52:54 PM
Congrats on 75 days and now 77!  Wishing you continued success!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 15, 2016, 11:21:31 PM
Hey Branch,

Your getting close to your goal too. Keep working it.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 16, 2016, 12:43:57 PM
Hey Branch,

Your getting close to your goal too. Keep working it.

Peace

Thanks, Bob!

By the way, I think you're wise to turn to Leon's suggestions to fuel your reboot. 

Wishing you well!

Branch
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on September 17, 2016, 08:01:47 PM
Leon,

Thank you so much for this specific posts...

Omega Man has a wonderful way with words and the wisdom of someone who changed their life.

Peace

You're welcome, Bob.

Omega man is one of a handful of people I've found whether here or on YBR who were not only stellar examples, but also folk whose struggles were at times all too human- like ours.

I'm so proud of you, brother, you reinvigorate my own daily intentions to deny the lower brain it's escapist highs.

Keep it up, and enjoy the real habit change you're affecting.


Leon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 20, 2016, 06:39:36 AM
On September 28 I will have reached my 90 day reboot. And while 90+ days is only the beginning, I am ready to make a transition. My new life has started and I am ready to leave my recovery process behind. I am ready to leave porn behind. I am ready to leave Reboot Nation. I need to begin my new life.

This isn't the end of the process. It's really the beginning. I am going to apply what I have learned and continue to grow into a life where friendship, commitment, and love are the paramount goals. While temptation will rear its head, I know that I can continue on and Surf through the Wave of Desire. Those feelings will pass. I will not ignore them nor will I react to them either. I will live a life that will true to my heart.

I state this as a testament that this process does work. You can rid porn from your life.  You can be free of this compulsion but to do this you need to do more than just stop a particular behavior. You must be willing to reinvent yourself and substitute the time spent with porn on other things; productive things that will constitute the beginning of a new lifestyle.

I want to thank Gary Wilson for the science behind the addicted brain, Gabe Deem for a resource to process this information,and all of the people here at RN who provided support. Everyone had an impact on my recovery. Thank you for your support when I felt weak, understanding when I needed to describe my reboot, and the confrontation when I needed a swift kick in the ass. You all made this possible.


If you are thinking about starting a reboot, don't waste another minute. If you have begun, know it is possible.  And if you are finishing a recent reboot, good luck with your future.

I will miss all of you but it is time to move on.

Peace to all of you, my brothers and sisters.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on September 20, 2016, 09:13:39 AM
Peace to you, Bob.

You are truly inspiring, and it's quite refreshing to see someone run with the latest science of habit change available to us, and not buy into the disease model of addiction, which serves only to disempower us.

With great interest I'll continue to follow your progress as able, and to even draw strength for my own journey from your example and tenacity.

It's been a privilege.

Leon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 20, 2016, 04:36:52 PM
On September 28 I will have reached my 90 day reboot. And while 90+ days is only the beginning, I am ready to make a transition. My new life has started and I am ready to leave my recovery process behind. I am ready to leave porn behind. I am ready to leave Reboot Nation. I need to begin my new life.

This isn't the end of the process. It's really the beginning. I am going to apply what I have learned and continue to grow into a life where friendship, commitment, and love are the paramount goals. While temptation will rear its head, I know that I can continue on and Surf through the Wave of Desire. Those feelings will pass. I will not ignore them nor will I react to them either. I will live a life that will true to my heart.

I state this as a testament that this process does work. You can rid porn from your life.  You can be free of this compulsion but to do this you need to do more than just stop a particular behavior. You must be willing to reinvent yourself and substitute the time spent with porn on other things; productive things that will constitute the beginning of a new lifestyle.

I want to thank Gary Wilson for the science behind the addicted brain, Gabe Deem for a resource to process this information,and all of the people here at RN who provided support. Everyone had an impact on my recovery. Thank you for your support when I felt weak, understanding when I needed to describe my reboot, and the confrontation when I needed a swift kick in the ass. You all made this possible.


If you are thinking about starting a reboot, don't waste another minute. If you have begun, know it is possible.  And if you are finishing a recent reboot, good luck with your future.

I will miss all of you but it is time to move on.

Peace to all of you, my brothers and sisters.

Congrats on your progress, Bob!  And farewell!  Wishing you joy and fulfillment as your journey goes on!

Branch
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Oneway on September 20, 2016, 11:14:24 PM
It has been so inspiring to follow your progress Bob. You have given me an example to follow. Because of men like you I know that p-addiction can be beaten.

Thank you and all the best in your p-free life.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 21, 2016, 12:16:05 PM
Thank you Branch, Oneway,

Its a bit strange to be leaving after a year and a half of struggle but your kind words give me focus to the task at hand. I hope that you to will move forward with a porn free life as the goal. You can indeed to this. It is possible. Make the lack of porn the new normal.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 22, 2016, 04:41:31 PM
The new normal indeed!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: L.T.D. on September 22, 2016, 06:55:50 PM
Congrats Bob! Gonna miss you, bud.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 23, 2016, 08:02:04 AM
Thank you to all that have been so supportive of me while I have been on RN. I would not have been able to do this without your understanding and support.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: FTL on September 23, 2016, 09:03:25 AM
Good luck Bob!
Stay strong
FTL
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on September 24, 2016, 02:58:19 AM
Bob, do you have the music ready and your dancing shoes on?  Talk to us thes last few days.  Give us some Bobisms.   
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RuntoSpirit on September 25, 2016, 02:57:20 AM
Hi Bob,

Congratulations on your reboot coming up on Sept. 28.
You have shown great tenacity and also great giving of yourself to others on this forum.
I know you will keep pressing on to grow and develop.
CHeers to you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Anothertry on September 25, 2016, 04:12:30 AM
So happy to hear of your achievement Bob.  Although as you say this is only the beginning....

How about stopping by in 6 months or a year to write a success story about what long term recovery is like?

Would be great to hear from you....

Good luck and all the best,

AT.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 25, 2016, 09:07:13 AM
Thanks for you concern and comments FTL. Gracie, RuntoSpirit, Anothertry,

Anothertry:
to check back in after six months sounds like a good idea. It will give me a goal in which to aim. And, it will further proof to myself and others that I am finally done with porn.

Gracie

Bob, do you have the music ready and your dancing shoes on?

Actually, I feel like I will be alone in this achievement. Things at home have been hectic on multiple levels. While my wife understands abstaining is an accomplishment, I don’t think she will feel like there is much difference between day 89, 90, or 91.

Talk to us these last few days.  Give us some Bobisms.

Oh Gracie, you always bring a smile to my face.

I can only take “Bobisms” are some great words of wisdom. I never feel like I have thoughts or words which carry such weight. While others expound their achievements and stress a specific, requirement sequence of events to obtain a successful reboot path, I just felt I personally had to stop.

I am currently on a trip away from home. Never been a good combination during a reboot; by myself, lonely, away from home, time on my hands, and a location where no one knows me or will observe my actions. Add to that a constant fight with chronic depression and you have a dangerous combination. Am I in a precarious position for a lapse? No. But being close to my post 90 days it doesn’t feel affirming or comforting either.

I recently received these words in a PM from a dear friend who has been a long time ally during this journey. He questions my leaving RN.

“I sure support you brother [with your decision to leave]. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but it seems like reboot nation is helping you, and after 3 months of sobriety you want to be done with it. Please think about it”

I am confident that I will not return to pmo but honestly, life has few absolutes. What I can say is that I need to get out and be on my own. This place has been a true life-line for me during my dark reassess of pmo/mo use. Now I need to become the person who I say I am.

It is scary, it feels a bit lonely but I have to take that first step; even if it is a leap of faith. I know I can do this. The point is that I have never done it before. Heck, I remember that kindergarten was scary that first day. So, I acknowledge the uncertainty and am committed to take that initial step.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and words of support.

Peace to you all.

Bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Anothertry on September 26, 2016, 12:54:30 PM
I wish you really well on your continuing journey Bob.  And sometimes we need support.  Sometimes we need to do things on our own.  To know we have that strength in us.

I hope you won't take it the wrong way if I say that I really hope not to hear from you again for another 6 months!

All the best,

AT.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on September 28, 2016, 06:20:31 AM
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!


 8) 8) 8) 8)

This is the first day of your new life!  Enjoy it!  It is a new birthday!   

Gracie
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 28, 2016, 07:33:44 PM
I made it!


Today, I achieved 90 days clean!

    10 days
    20 days
    25 days
    30 days
    45 days (half way)
    60 days
    75 days
    90 days The main goal


    91+ days and a new beginning

   
I am in charge of my recovery.
I am in charge of my urges.
I am in charge of my life.


Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Branch on September 28, 2016, 11:44:04 PM
OUTSTANDING!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 29, 2016, 08:29:20 AM
My first day at 91+ days. Now I start my new life

Thank you one and all. Your friendship, support, care and understanding went a long way in assisting me in my recovery. I will be back in 3 months with an update and three more months clean.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: FTL on September 29, 2016, 08:51:36 AM
Congratulations!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Feetfirst on September 29, 2016, 05:17:50 PM
Fantastic Bob well done!!!. I'll see you in 3 months too  FF
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: fyg on October 01, 2016, 12:36:56 PM
Congratulations Bob!  8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 13, 2016, 08:55:38 AM
Hi folks,

I am back on track and am moving forward.

Before I decided to return, I thought I might read my own journal.
My triggers seem to be numerous. I think that I had been going so long that I somehow had a "romanticized" memories of pmo. I had been mo'ing and kind of got to the point where I felt; what the hell. Once I started back into a pmo pattern, I couldn't stop. What i just wanted to try again became sessions that would last for hours and would repeat 3 times a day. It's as if I had made a new commitment to return to my previous lifestyle...

Anyway, I started looking at P-subs. Something about that female jiggle that really gets me started... This didn't lead directly to pmo but it brought it to my mind more frequently. Time by myself was also a killer.

Why did I start again? I am not sure if I can identify the turning point. It seemed to be a lot of things. A sexy "check out these boob bloopers" on the internet. Heck, I have even been triggered by those plush blankets or an elastic hair band I notice on the side of the road. Being alone was also a trigger. This morning my wife left for work and I am by myself. This would typically be an automatic pmo session that would last at least 1-1.5 hours of edging before what I would hope was a grand o. Afterwards, I was always wanted to take a nap. It never gave me the energy that I expected. The intensity of the O was there but it didn't satisfy me. I always wanted more. I always felt like I didn't find the right video, the right women, the right male, the best body part, the most intense story line. If i could have just... It was never, ever enough.

If I was to guess the reason for my relapse I would say it was because of the following:
  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Lack of commitment to eliminate or ignore all triggers that I encountered
  • Thinking MO was somehow an acceptable alternative to full PMO

...If I was to identify my most noticeable attributes associated with a return to pmo I would say I immediately returned to objectify females. I also started to say to my wife, "you go on ahead and go to bed. I will be up in an minute." That separation and isolation is not good for depression, emotional well being, or connecting with people in general.

Long story short, I feel that i need to eliminate masturbation from my life. It will be a challenge but it needs to go. That seemed to be the first step in my relapse...


I wrote this post 9 months ago. My commitment is the same. I know where I belong. I know what I can do with the time away from this lifestyle.

I have so much to accomplish. I am moving up. I am moving forward. I am moving on.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 13, 2016, 11:07:32 AM
One additional comment.

Moving forward I will progress without trackers, counters, or measures of success through future dates in time. My success will be measured by a new life as a positive, strong, and insightful man. A man who understands his potential, takes responsibility for his actions, and accomplishes his goals through thoughtful, decisive direction.

Success will not be obtained by reaching a future date in time.


This is forever.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on December 13, 2016, 05:08:52 PM
Welcome back bob, let's just take one say at a time.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Oneway on December 13, 2016, 11:39:56 PM
Hi bob, welcome back and nice to hear from you.

You're right, this is not about counting the days but making the days count.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 15, 2016, 09:19:14 AM
Thanks guys,

That is how I plan to approach this; to make every day count.

The other challenge I have is when I get frustrated and stressed out to the point where I say to Hell with it. I can say that but it can't take me back to a pattern that I need to eliminate.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on December 15, 2016, 09:21:56 PM
Hey, Bob.

For some unknown reason I felt to check in on RN and saw that you posted.

You're doing great, and all the progress you've made is by no means lost.

What we're simply doing is breaking a habit, a habituated pattern of self-comfort- we're learning to let our minds come back down to a state of normalcy on their own.

We've become accustomed to going for the quick escape, the alternative high rather than face the sometimes painful and often stressful back and forth of life.

It's actually those challenging moments when we get so frustrated and stressed, that if we can stay in that moment a little while without trying to escape, that we will learn that the mind calms down of it's own accord without our 'help'. The more we do this, the more resilience we'll build, and more importantly, we'll come out of the habit of giving in to the urges that arise in answer to those moments.

Keep up the good work, brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Oneway on December 16, 2016, 12:52:45 AM
Bob, you have the knowledge how to beat this and experience of being clean a long time. That is a good foundation to build on. I don't know how deep your slip/relapse was, but I know that to prevent the further slide downwads you need to be strict on yourself the coming weeks.

I am not far in my own journey yet, but what has gotten me trough these first weeks is that I finally understood that I can't make compromises with the addiction. I have learned from mistakes and did corrective actions and whatever it took to prevent me from accessing porn. Simultaneously I am developing a mindset that doesn't approve even the slightest slips towards behaviour motivated by addiction.

Later on, I quess it will become more about learning to cope with everything life throws at you without resorting to PMO. Dealing with frustration and stress in a healthy way. Learning to live life with confidence, dignity and love regardless of the circumstances.

All the best for you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: balanced on December 16, 2016, 08:09:03 AM
Bob, sorry to learn that you fell down, but you do have a glimpse of your future now, having been clean for a nice period of time.

Just to provide some perspective from my own experience...after nearly two years of being totally disciplined I found myself starting to look at P-subs. I had to recommit myself to finally wiping out all of the behaviors associated with my porn compulsion. I had to carefully examine all of my behaviors to find how I was still giving the compulsion a foothold (ogling), and then address those directly.

The pathways of this compulsion can be very deeply carved into our brains through our repeated decisions over many years to PMO/MO...no one should think that these pathways can be permanently closed down in a matter of months, it will take years. It requires a level of diligence and self-discipline that we have never exercised before, and maintaining it over a period of time that we have never experienced.

I wish you the best of luck in making this change permanent, and success in changing your life forever.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 16, 2016, 02:56:53 PM
Thanks guys. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

My intent is to make a change in my lifestyle where I work towards a new future. I don't want to spend time thinking about the past. I am even going so go so far as to eliminate the use of the following word from my journal...

 porn

In this point in my journey, even typing the word gives it status, gives it power. I want to build on positive changes, not dwell on the depths of the past. It is almost like Harry Potter and he-who-must-not-be-named.

Some time back I eliminated the use of capital letters to describe pmo and mo. Now I am going to eliminate them from my discussion. I want to make journal entries, but I want those entries to revolve around me as a emotionally healthy person. I want to use my journal to express how I am coping with life. As I said earlier, the two biggest challenges are:
If I can get a handle on these two issues and work on employing satisfactory coping mechanisms, I will be ready.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 18, 2016, 02:03:14 PM
During a private message, I expressed the importance of accountability in assisting my progress forward. When asked what I meant by accountability I stated the following:

"You know the gig. You feel your footing is a bit unstable. Then there is the stumble. Nothing big but it is somehow noteworthy. You realize that you have stepped over a boundary that at one time defined your edges or the limits. Back to normal, one feels like they are under control. If you take that next step on the ladder, you will just grab for stability if you think you are going to fall. You can handle it. Just take it easy.

Then you fall. You hit hard and fast and you realize that you weren't able to control yourself because you stepped over that one line. You tried to move over the edge, hold yourself steady on the step that says, "do not stand."

Once you fall it quickly becomes a, "so what." I've already slipped. I am on my ass. I might as well stay down on the floor for a while. But, getting back up requires something that you lost. The extra momentum of success. Whether it is only in your mind or somehow in your soul, the process seems almost impossible unless you bring others into your proclamation.

That's where accountability comes in. At least for me it comes from stating to the world that I was on the floor but I vow to get back up. When I get back up and put some time behind me, I can gain the confidence of success." But, in the mean time, I want to say out loud, "I'm going to do this."

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Anothertry on December 19, 2016, 06:01:14 AM
Go for it Bob.  You had a hell of alot of time when that which shall not be named  ;) was out of your life.  I think you'll be suprised, how, if you recommit very quickly, the missed step will soon become a distant memory....
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on December 19, 2016, 11:21:21 AM
I'm grateful for your words above, Bob- explaining accountability. And it all makes sense as a means of retelling our self after a fall that 'We got this.'- and it takes a little time sometimes. Don't ever give up, your progress has altered this thing for you anyway. You can feel it, right? Even if we fell in the ditch, we know it's a little more shallow, less deep then it used to be. We're changing our habits, we're changing our brains.

A final thought: "He who must not be named"- you mean porn and masturbation?

Don't ever let that crap take power away from you...

Not naming it is different than not focusing on it. Avoidance is just another form of [negatively] focusing on it. It's giving porn and masturbation power that, if you dared to name it, it would some how creep back in and take control of your life again.

No. You're in control, Bob. You got this, you're able to surf the waves of desire and show that these things are nothing, something that you can ignore like a car passing in traffic that you hardly pay mind to.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on January 18, 2017, 08:00:34 AM
Haven't heard from you for a while Bob - Hope all is well.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 21, 2017, 12:13:52 PM
This continues to be a challenge, a struggle, a process.

I have made such progress over the past. I have accomplished things I thought were previously impossible. But, the momentum and traction I thought would last, has eluded me. The win I expected has not come to pass. I began to realize the process as a journey. It is not three phases to success; start, transform, and finish. This model is simplistic and unrealistic. The truth is the path continues throughout our life. It may become easier over an extended period of time, but no one get a free ride. I am the one who is required to walk. I am the one that makes the progress and I am the one that encounters the dips, the puddles, the stones along the way. Each variation in the path becomes an obstacle that must be faced.

Sometimes those obstacles are minor. Other times they seem insurmountable. In reality they are neither. They are just a part of our life. How I choose to react is what makes the difference. Whether I embrace the impediment or seek avoidance becomes the question. Will a short cut provide relief? Will it ease my pain? Will a diversion ultimately make my forward movement easier?

Short cuts rarely provide lasting relief. In fact, short cuts are rarely short. For me, they constitute a slip to a world I vowed to avoid. They lead me to a low point where the access out requires a steep ascent. Short cuts become nothing more than a trap. They are a mirage, a drug who's claim is to eliminate pain without side effects. Even pain has a purpose. It reminds us the mind is beginning to heal.

I continue to learn how to walk, how to move forward, stepping over stones and small streams. If conscientious to the lessons of the path, I can continue to move forward. That is my intent. That is my goal.

Will I stumble? Maybe. Probably. But I intent to frame those moments as a stubble. I will refrain from transforming a stumble into a fall. I will embrace each stumble as an opportunity to learn. I will embrace the pain of the moment as an opportunity to move forward. That’s how I my life must evolve. I will become someone who knows where they want to go, and how they want to live. I will successfully navigate and embrace the path of life.

We all have this potential within us. Let us all embrace this challenge and continue to move forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TimtheAddict on January 21, 2017, 05:53:26 PM
HI Bob,

Love the text above in red about accountability.  That is exactly what it is like. The step is marked in yellow with do not stand.  Then we stumble.  Despite ourselves, we plan the stumble.  There is a great book out there called "Willpower Instinct" by Kelly McGonigal.  In it she describes our two minds.  Yes, we really do have two.  We have a primitive mind and a logical mind.  The primitive mind wants the stumble, wants to procreate at every opportunity. It doesn't see the pixels.  The logical mind does not want it, but only has so much strength.  Fascinating. 

Thanks for being here.  Appreciate your experience.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on January 28, 2017, 04:48:00 PM
Hey Bob!   This can be done!  One day at a time!  Send me a pm if you want. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: balanced on January 28, 2017, 05:41:54 PM
You've got the right approach, Bob...this is not a project, or a diet...this is fundamental change built to last a lifetime. However, I must say that my day counter is an inspiration and encouragement for me, I don't want to throw away 1178 days of no P no M and no p-subs.

Build your new life each day. Exercise self-discipline and it will be come strong enough to protect you from temptations.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TK-421 on January 30, 2017, 04:50:35 PM
Bob,

You have made some real progress on here and when we fall back into a funk it can sometimes seem like things are hopeless.  I can assure you that they aren't.  Your 90+ days clean have given you a foundation for making permanent changes in who you are and the control your addition has over you.

 I first joined this forum in May of 2016 and had a few successive streaks.  Each time I had a lapse, I really have made an effort to see where it was that I was falling down and tried to make adjustments.  The recent changes that have really helped me were to confide about my struggle with my wife and to enable restrictions on my phone that she has the password for.  As well, I have tried to be very vigilant in recognizing the unhealthy thoughts as SOON as they pop into my head and dispatching with them forthwith.  I have even imagined it as that "Whack-a-Mole" game you see at the fair, where you whack the mole as soon as it pops its head out - as soon as a feel an old, ingrained thought come into my head I imagine myself giving it a whack and sending it back into its hole.  I may sound silly, but I think we need to be this vigilant and stop the rationalizations and justifications as soon as they come along.  Most slips are a few days in the making, starting with a lingering too long on porn-subs, ogling in the streets, allowing unhealthy fantasy to take a few laps in our minds.

I've really learned a lot from Balanced and would encourage you to read his posts.  One thing he mentioned, which I found very helpful, was to really learn to enjoying the feeling of exercising self-discipline more than the temporary euphoria of acting out sexually with porn. We know where the hours-long porn sessions always lead us, so it really is empowering when we realize that we actually do have some say in the matter and can start to build the open and honest lives that we want for ourselves and our families.

Keep posting and keep working on your progress.  I do think you have it in you to be successful here.

TK-421
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on February 11, 2017, 09:07:48 AM
Hey Bob!  Hope things are going well in your new recovery! Keep at it.  Posting helps!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on February 15, 2017, 06:02:17 PM
Go Bob go!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on February 22, 2017, 10:34:55 AM
Ok bob, it's time to get back on track. We've been dilly farting around long enough.  I'm resetting my counter, I suggest you do the same.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 01, 2017, 11:32:58 AM
Greetings folks,

I'm back at the processes again. Hope all are doing well and that everyone who desires is successful with your reboot.

It can be a challenge but never, ever give up. Find success in your progress, rejoice in your accomplishments, and keep moving forward!

BTW, is the counter still broken? It's a shame as it was a wonderful tool.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on April 01, 2017, 11:00:21 PM
 Nice to see you back bob. It sure does feel nice to be clean. My mind is sure messing with me today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 03, 2017, 12:31:07 PM
Good to be back.

My personal commitment now is to quit mo and stay away from p-subs. Know that isn't for everyone but that's where I am
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on April 03, 2017, 01:29:16 PM
It's so tricky to stay away from that stuff. Youtube is a major p substitute.  Unless I'm watching gary wilson , I stay away from it
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 03, 2017, 07:15:00 PM
Hey, I am going to use your tracker as we started out on this journey at the same time. That means you can't slip. We are in this together!

Stay strong buddy.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on April 03, 2017, 11:51:10 PM
Absolutely bob, I'd be honored to for you to use my tracker. We are doing awesome. Did I ever tell you I don't like losing, at all.  Lol
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 04, 2017, 10:18:39 AM
I think you mentioned that...

once or twice.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 08, 2017, 02:22:24 PM
When one starts this whole process, one can inadvertently come across p that was downloaded or stored that was forgotten in the heart of the computer "Clean and Scrub."

This has happened to me. Well, better put, it happened about 6-9 months ago when I realized I had a partitions 20 GB HD that required a password for p access. And, I had forgotten the password. It had hints and I would try every once and a while to open the drive. Today I said to heck with it and erased the drive. In fact, I even did a high security wipe of the drive which writes zeros over the entire surface of the drive, 7 times over.I bit overkill but it felt good to say, "I am done with you for good."

Lesson to be learned? I caution maintaining p content with the idea of "testing" yourself or "keeping it in reserve." It's not worth it. If I would have figured out the password, I would have been in big trouble. Now, no worries.

I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free at last!
8)

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: fyg on April 08, 2017, 04:17:41 PM
Great move  8)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 23, 2017, 02:53:46 PM
Good afternoon folks,

Another day down and another day forward.

I continue to work with the elimination of the little things that feel like potential bumps in my road. Nothing big. Little things. Typically most guys would look at these and say; "no big deal." These include the swimsuit magazine issues, coffee table books that pertain to 1940-1960 female pin-ups, and the seductive covers of men's interest magazines.

They pull. They entice. They shout that they can provide the reward for which one is looking. Yes, they imply, "we can satisfy." 

Reality check... They can't.

Sure they pull, they entice; but the do not provide the satisfaction they imply is possible. If I look, I will want more, not less. That's reality. I do better if I look away after that initial 2 seconds. They are there. I realize that I see them. The women on the covers. The are young, attractive, barely clothed, and I can acknowledge my interest, that peak of interest. They are there but then I must look away. To dwell is non productive. It takes me in a direction, I do not want to go.

Those items do not satisfy. They don't provide what is desired. They are the beginning of  a downhill process which goes where I don't want to go. I must not go. I will not go.

Time may make this process easier. At the moment, its not easy. It's hard. Difficult. Damn difficulty. But I must make the conscious decision to look away. It should become easier. Not yet, but in the future. I at least hope it will.

Like the cigarette add that say's I quit, then I quit again. Each time I learn what works and what doesn't. I build on the success, and toss the failures. I don't dwell on the failures, I just pitch them aside and continue to move forward.

No matter how far along you are in this process. Never give up. Never give in. Keep working toward your goal. We are all in this together. We can succeed.

Another day down and another day forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 24, 2017, 05:12:54 AM
Great post, Bob. A real reminder that if we roller skate around the jaws of hell, we're sooner or later likely to fall in  :)
Been struggling to stay out of my own "grey areas" this morning and your post has reinforced my willpower. So much commonality in the stories and experiences I read about on this forum that strengthens me. Thanks for your post and good luck avoiding those enticements and bumps in the road today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on April 24, 2017, 06:40:32 AM
Great post bob,  that left me speechless. It's a battle everyday. I pray this whole thing gets better the longer we stay away. I bet p crosses my mind 15 times a day. I know one thing my brain fog sure is clearing up. Life is sure better without pmo,
 Stay strong brother. Porn is never an option
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewMe48 on April 27, 2017, 05:28:31 AM
This book on Audible was very helpful to me called "Feels Like Redemption - The Pilgrimage to Health and Healing"
It was written by a recovering porn addict and combines meditation, psychology, and Christian philosophy.
Highly recommended:
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493283003&sr=8-1&keywords=feels+like+redemption

This song helps me when I am having trouble - "Don't Give Up, Please Don't Give Up"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9vWBWEGEnM
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 27, 2017, 04:09:08 PM
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I appreciate the support.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on April 27, 2017, 06:11:04 PM
You know reading about "the pull" really gets me.  As women, we are told to be smart, have a good personality, be able to carry on a conversation, take good care of our selves and we will find a soulmate.  Then when we find this person, we, as partners, find none of that matters.  Our husbands find nameless people that, it seems to us, are more important.  I was at a seminar that had funny clips.  One was of Miss South Carolina answering her question about people not finding the USA on a world map and the reason.  She was searching for an answer, her thoughts made no sense, she sounded dumb.  We all agreed that because of her beauty title, men would still flock to her.  Even when we have husbands that make fun of women dressed slutty, make fun of men who are with them and then this addiction and "the pull" to look.  Please know, when we stay with you, we are hurt, we love you, and we want to remain married.  So, help us help you.  Seek us out as often as you either used to or are seeking out porn.  So two hours for porn?  Two hours for us.  Get to know us again without the others occupying your brain and using your time.  I want to see you, maybe more than I do others here, beat this Bob. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 01, 2017, 07:35:03 PM
Gracie,

I can beat this. I will beat this. I am progressing forward. However, it is a challenging process.

I know by now that my journey will never really end. That is to say that there will always be the desires that take me in another direction. The pull may be reduced over time but I know all to well that it continues to be present in my life. I just plan to be stronger. I plan to live my life as a person who is in control of their life. I know where the pull will lead and it is nowhere I want to go.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on May 03, 2017, 02:40:02 PM
The pull is the worst for me lately at night.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 18, 2017, 06:38:57 AM
I am back on my quest and I am not particularly proud that I slipped back into my old habit of pmo.

As typical, it started slow, at least two-three months ago. The activities weren't anything special. However, the path is well worn. It has been proven over and over again. It starts with little more than a slip. Then you assure yourself it wasn't a big deal. This is followed by another slip.

The path doesn't seem like an incline. Its pitch was imperceptible. But it does decline and the further you descend, the harder it is to stop.

Don't take that first step. Its not worth it.

By these words, I begin again.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: camus on May 18, 2017, 04:21:07 PM
I really relate to what you just posted Bob. We kid ourselves that it was only a small slip, then before we know it we are back to the same behaviour.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on May 18, 2017, 09:15:02 PM
It's kind of a paradox, really. On one hand, you don't want to be careless with p-subs and edging- and that is where the trouble starts, in the little allowances, the peeks, the 'creeping' up to the porn-pit.

On the other hand, say there was a 'slip'- how do you judge it? How do you judge yourself? How we respond here (or don't respond) means the difference between control regained, a resetting of our focus, or a weakening of the will...

I think that shame plays a big role here. If we 'shame' ourselves over a 'slip'- we simply lower our resolve, and then it becomes easier and easier to slide back down into the muck and mire of our [former] habits.

I think it's best to take inventory of where we're at, and be serious about not easing up around p-subs and edging, and at the same time- if there was a slip to simply forgive yourself, and then forget about it as soon as possible.

Hope this helps.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 20, 2017, 08:32:22 AM
Thanks Camus and Leon, I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

Leon, this is so true. It's all in how we perceive our "passage."
I think that shame plays a big role here. If we 'shame' ourselves over a 'slip'- we simply lower our resolve, and then it becomes easier and easier to slide back down into the muck and mire of our [former] habits.

I think it's best to take inventory of where we're at, and be serious about not easing up around p-subs and edging, and at the same time- if there was a slip to simply forgive yourself, and then forget about it as soon as possible.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 22, 2017, 08:12:42 AM
You often explore subjects that I find to be very thought provoking, Bob. I'm sorry to learn that you've suffered a blip, but I do agree that there's little to be gained from beating yourself up over it. I quite like the old idea from buddhism of "not shooting the second arrow". I re-read the little piece below, which aligned with Leon's point.

https://www.noodle.com/articles/dont-shoot-the-second-arrow

I also think about your "imperceptible incline" and I absolutely agree. I know I've been guilty of straying into grey areas and I didn't really notice that they were getting and more grey, until suddenly I found myself in the middle of a full-blown relapse thinking "how the f**k did I get here"!! A former therapist I was lucky enough to work with described it as being like a snowball rolling down a slope; the longer you let it roll, the bigger and heavier and more difficult the snowball becomes to stop. So recognize it... don't indulge it... and stop it early.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 23, 2017, 07:01:45 AM
Work,

Thank you for your insight. The second arrow analogy is a wonderful way of identifying that we are ultimately in control. We are the ones that make the decisions to move forward or remain stuck.

Though it remains a challenge.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 25, 2017, 08:56:01 PM
Good afternoon folks,

I just got done with a reread of my own journal and I am amazed at the journey.

I have been on this site for over two years and I have had some success. When I first started, I couldn't imagine going a week without pmo/mo, let alone 90 days. And while I have reduced my use of this dopamine flooding crutch, I haven’t eliminated it. I have gone without pmo/mo for extended periods of time but forever hasn’t happened.

My goal is a change. A new lifestyle in which I set out to accomplish many things, great things, different things; from the small to the unthinkably large, from the obscure to the grand. I have a great deal to offer and I know this new lifestyle will have little time for pmo/mo. Pmo/mo sucks up way too much time. And simply eliminating pmo/mo isn’t enough. It doesn’t satisfy, doesn’t provide the needed rewards for living a life without it. It hasn’t in the past and I can’t see simple abstinence being successful in the future. I need to reach for my goals. I need to stretch myself farther that I can imagine. I need to grow into the person I am meant to be. Success or failure, it doesn’t matter. The reaching is what counts. That must become my passion.  I need to transform into a someone new and leave my current lifestyle behind.

It will not be easy. Self-doubt and insecurity will arise. But I must try. Abstinence alone hasn’t provided the necessary boost to leave my past behind. I have quit in the past but the idea of forever is terrifying. I need to fill my life with activities that take me in another direction. I have the dreams and aspirations. Why not work to live them.

I am committing. During the next several months I will post to let folks know how I am getting along. It may not be pretty but I will be honest. I am committed to change.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Firstbigstep on May 26, 2017, 07:44:33 AM
Hi Bob. Reading your journal on my phone so haven't read every entry. That WOULD ruin my eyesight!

I agree 100% that this is a lifetime thing. It's a decision and a chouce we have to make every day. Probably a dozen times a day. If not more. If you've lapsed, it's past. Move on, regroup and face the next hour, day, week and month.

I wish you well with the journey.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: guyinsideout on May 26, 2017, 11:06:50 AM
Thank you bob for your courage to keep going and inspiring others on this journey. I keep finding myself resetting and find it hopeful to know that as along as we keep, resetting, restarting and don't give up it can be done. Day by day...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Emerald Blue on May 26, 2017, 12:11:20 PM
Bob, I was reading through Paula Hall's book for Sex Addicts (she considers porn addiction as a subset of sex addiction) and in the last chapter about blocks to recovery, she examines the perception that "The pain ain't worth the gain" which is about being sufficiently motivated, so that recovery is worth the effort.

Quote
it's important to acknowledge that part of recovery includes loss and it is often this loss that feels "not worth it". That may be a loss of sexual excitement, loss of freedom, loss of power or loss of self-identity. These feelings of loss need to be taken seriously, empathised with and mourned – and where possible, rebuilt or replaced. This can be particularly difficult when the benefits of recovery or a lifestyle that has never been experienced, not even as part of a double life.

Paula Hall
Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction

When I read your post, this came to mind.

My partner has been extremely motivated to change. He wasn't happy struggling in silence with porn addiction anyway. I had to tell him how this habit was affecting me, and we were both committed to rebuilding our relationship. Sometimes the pain of coming to terms with his behaviour and the damage it caused was unbearable - I'm speaking of my own emotional pain here - but I knew that the only way to get past it was to go through it. He's been almost two years porn-free and has no inclination to go back to it BUT he's also aware his brain was conditioned through years of using porn, which he said he never even liked but had to go through the ritual of doing something that was supposed to be exciting but he wasn't really responding that way. He just had to complete the cycle because his brain was seeking the reward. Compared to a real world physical relationship, he said porn was actually a very poor substitute. But he's not dumb. He knows people can and do relapse.

Obviously people need a reason to change, and unless you replace the old unhealthy ways with better, healthier alternatives that can be sustained, you may find it more difficult to quit.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 29, 2017, 01:20:19 PM
Thanks Guy and Emerald,

I appreciate your thoughts.

Emerald, I wanted to say that I have read your post multiple times and I appreciate your insight. I acknowledge that I am feeling similar thoughts. I have had recent pangs of desire for the past lifestyle but  the realization of the why is also present. And, while I work on this process of rebooting, I want to make sure that my "retraining" includes new and productive experiences. While these don't come automatically, I realize they are what is going to take me in another direction. They are going to replace my past negative behavior and substitute with positive productive experiences.

Thank you.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 30, 2017, 05:21:40 AM
Strongly agreeing with you both. I've had the great privilege of a week's residential rehab with Paula Hall, and I remember two things that resonate for me with the discussion you're having Bob/Emerald Blue;

1. Everybody's life has shitty bits in it and addicts like me haven't developed healthy coping strategies, so we hide in whatever it is that we're addicted to. And part of living in recovery involves having to face-up to the shitty stuff, sometimes, and find healthy ways to deal with conflict/ pain/ rejection/ anxiety or whatever. Being in recovery doesn't necessarily mean being HAPPY... probably far from it, right?
2. "The Life Wheel" approach to filling up the void left behind when we stop acting out. She advised us to set aspirations for 6 months, 12 months and 5 years in areas like Work, R&R, Family, Personal growth and some others. Single biggest factor in me living clean for 3 years was making that plan and executing it. Life was filled up with exciting, fulfilling, "real world" stuff

So you're right, Bob... fill your life up. Look for a balanced existence. Probability is that not everything will feel as exciting as your old acting out did, and you'll have withdrawal pangs. But there's more to happiness than excitement, right?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 01, 2017, 10:58:54 PM
Folks,

I write to express that days after a slip where one regains the time away from pmo, it's always difficult. No, being honest; its a struggle. The occurrence of mood swings and general withdrawal is not a pleasant process. Makes me wonder why anyone would go through this more than once. When one encounters the other side, one should stay.

I know I will get there but I am not there yet.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 15, 2017, 09:37:10 AM
Greetings,

Almost a month and I continue to stay away from p. m continues to be a problem though. I was attempting to limit my m time but it always gets away from me. Then it becomes the first thing I think of when I am by myself. The intensity of the m (amount and how I do it) is a problem too.

I continue to work with it but it is a struggle. Will check back in a couple of days as the last few have been more stressful that I can remember.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on June 16, 2017, 12:10:38 PM
Hi, Bob.

For me, m. is a gateway to p. And p-subs seem to be a gateway to m., or edging.

Either way, an "all-or-nothing" approach is the only one that works for me, not allowing even edging or p-subs, because I know it's all related, and one leads to the other.

Have mercy on yourself, don't be so hard on yourself- take all this as just junk from the lower-brain. When the urges come, notice them, but detach from them, as you can watch them come and go, and you will be unaffected. Eventually the lower brain will get the message that you can save your dopamine highs for the joys of normal life, and not the lie that is pornography.

Blessings always.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Emerald Blue on June 22, 2017, 09:11:59 AM
Bob and workinprogressUK

I think workinprogressUK has made a really important point (courtesy of Paula Hall's recovery course) that life always has its challenges and sometimes very difficult ones, whether we're porn addicts or not, or partners of porn addicts or not. It's how we deal with these challenges. Sometimes boredom and stagnation is very difficult to find a way out of even if there's not anything you can point to and say "I need to fix that".

As the partner of a recovering porn addict, I have witnessed my husband going through tremendous shifts of attitude and mindset as he develops better self awareness and coping skills. Life has thrown up challenges but he has learned from experience where his difficulties lie, which is remarkable. He knows himself a lot better and he understands why he is as he is, how his upbringing shaped him and how he was unable to develop healthy coping strategies and even genuine communication skills. It's incredible to think that quitting porn was the catalyst.

I would also concur that recovery IS difficult. It's difficult for partners too. You're right. It doesn't necessarily mean "happy" but it's certainly a lot better than life before d day. Porn kept a lid on all sorts of issues, personal for me, personal for him, as well as impacting on the relationship. Partners also have to do a lot of soul searching and working things out for themselves. I was aware my partner was using porn and I observe how it eroded our sexual and emotional intimacy so I always knew that if I challenged him on this it was going be huge and that there was a risk it could end things. Ultimately I reached a stage where I had nothing else to lose because he had emotionally checked out and I couldn't take the isolation. I had no idea about porn addiction. I had no idea that it was quite a miserable state to be in. I just thought it was just a selfish, self indulgence and he was doing what he wanted and enjoying himself. It's been a difficult journey for both of us.

The 'life wheel' exercise is a very good idea. It's important that our lives are balanced and that we have a variety of healthy activities and outlets. The same applies to partners of porn addicts. In fact, it applies to everyone. You'd think it would be easy but my partner has struggled with this. He feels he always has to be working, and working very hard to a high standard, and feels guilty about taking time out for himself to do the things he enjoys. At times I have had to encourage him to do enjoyable, fun things because otherwise he'd feel guilty and even apologise.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 02, 2017, 11:16:02 AM
Hello folks,

I'm back. Won't be here with any frequency but I am making a commitment to make the permanent.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 02, 2017, 11:38:53 AM
Just for my record...

Aug. 31, 2017 = 30 days
Sept. 30, 2017 = 60 days
Oct. 30, 2017 = 90 days
Nov. 29, 2017 = 120 days
Dec. 29, 2017 = 150 days
Jan. 1, 2018 = 151+ days

Sure miss the counter app.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on August 02, 2017, 01:12:52 PM
Sure miss the counter app.

If you think it helps. Put it back on...

Or what I did for a while was have it only on my page 1 of my journal, but whatever works.

Blessings.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 02, 2017, 08:22:02 PM
Bob!  Sure do miss your posts!  You can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 05, 2017, 10:13:24 AM
Thanks Gracie, I appreciate your thoughts.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 05, 2017, 10:20:57 AM
Saturday morning and I have a long trip ahead of me. It doesn't help that the reason is the personal health of a loved one. The stress plays havoc on my obsession. 

Being on the road has always presented triggers. Driving by places that I shouldn't go. Thinking of things that take me away from my goal of strength in abstinence, being at peace with myself, and the bond and relationship with my wife. I have so much to accomplish and this behavior gets in the way.

At least I will not be alone with my travels. My wife will be going with me so that takes the "opportunities" away. I inwardly longed to be by myself but that is the kiss of death. It will set my journey back further than the three days of abstinence.

Lots on my mind and this provided a place to vent.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 12, 2017, 01:28:55 PM
Afternoon folks,

I am currently sitting at 10 days on a return journey to the bright side. I have been here before.

It was a challenge then. It is a challenge now. But, I am writing to profess this road can be traveled more than once. If you don't make it, you begin again. You  continue to work at it until you arrive.

Multiple attempts are not desired. Once and done would be great. However, for whatever reason, I was not able to stay away from the pull of porn. I suspect the reasons are many but that's irrelevant. It doesn't matter how many times one makes this journey; just that you continue until the goal is accomplished.

For folks starting out, realize it can be a challenge. We are all human. We screw up. We can fail in obtaining our desired goals. But, if you persist, you can beat this demon. Never give up. Begin again and learn what caused the detour. Investigate the reasons you didn't make it. Work to correct the pitfalls.

Don't beat yourself up. Learn from your mistakes. Just get back on the horse.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 13, 2017, 05:59:02 PM
Good evening folks,

This is a post that I made quite a while ago. I had to search back through my Journal to find it again. I wanted to revisit it as I felt like it provided some understanding on my reasons for working towards of life free of pmo.

Reasons to take on a PMO, MO free life
  • Brings me closer to my wife.
  • Stay in the moment (no need to sneaking away).
  • Sex is more intense.
  • Enjoy my time making love, (no quick, "I have to O").
  • “Sure you can use my computer", (No hidden stash).
  • All people deserve respect; Porn is not victim-less.
  • Free porn is not free. No need to line the pockets of people who exploit others.
  • More time available, ("where did the time go"?)
  • Eliminate DE and PIED issues.
  • Waking up with an intense hard on.
  • Pleasant sexual response around attractive females.
  • Increase sense of confidence.
  • Perception that I am more desirable to others.
  • I am in control.
Positive thoughts to all who are working through this process.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Leon on August 14, 2017, 03:13:17 PM
Wow! Those are all good reasons, brother- and inspiring, too!

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2017, 07:12:58 PM
Hey folks,

Last weekend, I had a long road trip that would typically been an extreme  challenge. The isolation, places along the road that "draw me in" and time to sit and fantasize, they all contribute to a potential binge. However, that didn't happen. Something I read on RN "clicked" and allowed me to think of things in a different way. Not sure I understand it. I tried to find it again but couldn't. No matter. I traveled for 600 miles and did so without incident.

I started out and I wasn't sure it would be possible.

So...the goal isn't 30, 90, or 120 days free. It is a new lifestyle.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2017, 10:11:43 PM
Evening,

Just received my copy of Your Brain on Porn today. While I am well aware of the mission behind RN and the YBOP website, I must say the book was a wonderful read. Yes, I am 3/4 of the way through and I plan to continue, then read again.

The process feels right. I am moving forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 18, 2017, 06:33:35 AM
Good job, Bob!  I hope you succeed this time, because you know you can do this!  It is time to be the new and improved Bob! Go Bob go!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TakeActionNow on August 18, 2017, 07:50:11 PM
Bob,

Can you list one to three things that are important to you that you can work on to improving, things that you have to study or practice at your on time, things that you can then reapply, like skills or abilities, which you can later assess that improvement has indeed happened?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 29, 2017, 07:15:45 AM
Greetings,

Coming up on 60 days in an extremely long process. And while the number of days is irrelevant, I continue to make progress. I want to remind everyone to never give up. You must learn from your mistakes, your decisions, your actions. You can become a new person. That is what is required.

I don't visit RN as often as I once did but I will check in every once in a while.

I hope all the best for everyone who is present.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on September 30, 2017, 06:30:14 AM
Bob,  keep up the hard work!   You are doing great!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on September 30, 2017, 05:01:14 PM
Hey Bob! It's been a long time between drinks brother. Thanks for the update my friend and please keep coming back. Thinking of you. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 10, 2017, 09:18:50 PM
Thanks folks.

Be struggling lately. Need to realize this is for the long haul. Not some score of points or days. Its a lifestyle change and change has always been difficult.

Peace folks, stay strong.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on October 10, 2017, 11:50:21 PM
Thank you for posting Bob. Questions:

1. How have you been struggling?
2. Where are you currently in your reboot?
3. How are things with your wife/partner?

I'm asking these questions because I found that the more I shared about my state of mind and the state of my recovery, the less shame I felt. And the less shame I felt, the less I wanted to PMO. And brother believe me when I write that I shared EVERYTHING here. I look forward to reading your next update. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: unchained on January 15, 2018, 09:43:29 AM
Hey Bob,
Thanks for posting in my journal.  The encouragement is appreciated.  It's also nice to see familiar names after being gone a long while.

I see that you have posted a bit lately but not in your own journal.  How are things going for you?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 23, 2018, 08:37:41 AM
Unchained,

Its good to see you as well.

I am progressing; moving forward but I have been taking a break from RN. I found I was spending too much time on my "recovery" and reading about recovery of others. I need to transform into a new individual who works at life, not at the recovery process. I need to stay away from p, pmo, and mo. Being here kept my mind on the negative aspects of what I was trying to avoid.

I want to be clear. This site gave me hope. It allowed me to see that I am not alone. It assure me that a life without this crap was possible. But in the end, I was the one that had to make the change. And the process of always returning to RN seemed to keep me in the "thick of it." For that reason, I am taking a break. I may stop by from time to time but mostly, I will be done.

To be honest, I also became frustrated when I returned and didn't recognize the folks that I knew and had grown to love. When I came back and didn't see those folks, I had know idea if thy had quite, tried to quite and failed; or had just given up. That is why I wanted to touch base with you when I say your post.

Please do not give up. Continue to quit. Even if it takes a long time. Quit, quit, and quit again. Try and find out what is causing the lapse but continue to work at it. You can do this. It is important for you as with others you love.

And maybe that is why I have returned. To let others know that the fight isn't over. I tried numerous times. But this time it needs to be for real. I need to be the man I want to be, the man I was meant to be.

I have continued to stay in contact with a few outside of RN. That is a help. I also continue to go to counseling, though I have reduced that too. I will continue with it but not as much as I was going.
 
Here are the things that I have been doing to transition into the new me.



So that is my current life. I am starting slow. But I am on my way. And while I am not always here, I am with you in spirit.

Please don't ever give up. Never stop until you succeed being the person you want to be.

Peace my brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 26, 2018, 08:29:13 PM
I am continuing on my progress as a new person. Exploring where I need to be and what I need to be doing. Isn't always smooth but the growth continues.

One point I would like to make... 

Get a partner that you can work with you as you move through this process.It may take a while. The first one might not "take." Doesn't matter. Keep trying. Eventually you will find someone that understands. Someone that has been there. Someone that wants to continue moving forward.

It helps.

Peace.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on March 31, 2018, 04:21:41 PM

When I assess my progress, I must recheck my list. Are there areas that I am not following? Are there areas that I think I am following but in reality, I need to adjust? I need to question my actions. I need to reassess, rethink, and refocus.

The goal is not a reboot, The goal is a new life where these items are the norm, not the exception.

This is to be a new life. Not a reboot.

Peace

Here are the things that I have been doing to transition into the new me.

  • Stopped my counting of days. I could calculate it if I need to. I have it written in a journal but the counting is to get to a goal. My goal is forever.
  • Journal about what i am feeling. It isn't everyday but I do what I can to write when I am feeling particularly vulnerable or positive.
  • I get up early every day and go to the gym. I want this to be my new habit. While it is not easy, I have had success. The other part of success with exercise is that I am starting slow. At 61, I started at 10 min each day with a walk/cool down of 1/2 mile. I have moved up in duration since then and have only missed one day (besides my day of rest. :0).
  • Eating healthy continues to be a work in progress, but this is moving forward too.
  • Staying away from p-subs which are as simple as click bait, instagram searches, anything that triggers a dopamine dump.
  • I work around a LOT of young, attractive females. For this I use a two second rule when encountering skin tight yoga pants, plunging necklines, and general attractive and alluring female bodies. I acknowledge that they are there and that I am attracted, (who wouldn't, I'm not dead) but then turn my attention to something else.
  • Try to devote more productive time to my job,l my wife, and my ability to play. I tend to be a workaholic.
  • Realize that I need to be a social animal and that a solitary existence breeds depression. Depression in turn starts the search process, and dopamine rears its ugly head as a false savior. It's not the answer. Its the problems... so I make sure I don't pass up opportunities to be with my wife and other people.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: TakeActionNow on March 31, 2018, 08:27:41 PM
This is to be a new life. Not a reboot.

Exactly
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: JedClampett on April 06, 2018, 11:23:04 PM
Yes Bob My Goal is Forever Too.  Maximum Healthy Sex.  Maximum Health.  Maximum Life.  It's a wonderful life!!!

But I want my new friends to know that I am on day 3.

Yes I can!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 08, 2018, 09:51:44 AM
Jed,

Good for you. Make sure you know how important it is that you have made this step. 3 days! That is great. It is a first step but it is an amazing step. Good for you!

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: JedClampett on April 08, 2018, 11:30:33 AM
Bob:

I am on Day 6 without the P.  The main benefit has been that my productivity rate has gone up.
My apartment is the cleanest it has been since I move in on April 2017.  My work as a writer is
getting done.

I am aware that there are reasons why I started the P and I need to deal with those issues.
You deal with those issues before reality hits.  Things are going good for me now.
I made the decision not to run last night because of a slight injury.

I have been a runner since I was 12 years old.  I've had to make some adjustments and things
went well for a week but I believe I strained my back a bit.  My goal is to play consistent tennis
and run this summer, so I need to go at getting back into shape slowly.

I mention this because it's part of my recovery. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 09, 2018, 09:51:54 AM
Jed,

Keep going. You sound like you are committed to the process and are doing well.

Just remember, if you mess up, it is a blip on the screen of your new life. It doesn't have to be inevitable but sometimes it happens. Just don't let it take hold. Reassess your situation, learn what caused the action, and work to stay away from those types of activities.

I say this to myself too. I slipped this weekend. Not proud but resisting the urge to beat myself up. I have looked at my actions, identified the problem, and am moving forward.

The point is we all need support and even someone who is beginning this journey plays a role in others process.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: JedClampett on April 09, 2018, 05:33:41 PM
bob:

You are right bob and I have been through periods when I actually prayed every night that
I would not PMO again.  But most days I PMO'ed it took me part of the morning to recover mentally.
It got to the point where I PMO'ed before big events and not the small regular every day events!
But we are not perfect and never will be.

I've been doing taxes today and I realized that I lost one of my tax forms.
I have three part-time jobs so but that's no excuse.  I probably will be filing late.
But I've been saying do not let reality stop your dreams.

In one of the greatest movies of all time "It's a wonderful life," one of the characters messes up and loses a
bunch of money, and because of that the main character George almost commits suicide.  The Angel comes
and makes George see how other people's lives would be if George had not lived.

Life is like that.  We need to always remember the good things we have done for other people.
There is a bigger spot in our brains for the bad because bad things are more complicated.

I've opened up pretty fast on here by telling people I am a virgin.  But I do know that is a wonderful
thing too.  Everything in this world is good and bad.  Yes maybe even the PMO, I guess.
One thing about anything bad is once we've went through it the good seems so much better!

We are men.  Some things are more difficult than they are for women.
But face it we also have advantages.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: JedClampett on April 24, 2018, 07:29:41 PM
These are affirming words...YES I CAN!  Even better is YES I HAVE DONE IT!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 18, 2018, 11:56:42 AM
Thanks all,

Just a note to say that the process continues. All that are moving forward or hope to move forward; never give up. Keep working on this thing. Its important.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 21, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
I have finally got to the point where I am through with this. Not sure anyone should believe me as I have been working at this for a good long time. Howe I have hit the bottom and I am done. Only time will prove it. But prove it I will. About 10 days into my new life. I will post further down the road but for now I am through.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 67reboot on May 22, 2018, 11:31:05 AM
Hi Bob,

and thanks for your kind words on my journal. I have read the top and bottom of yours and can see the struggle in your words. 10 days in is a great start .. what are you doing to fill the void?

Wishing you all the best!

67
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 22, 2018, 01:50:00 PM
Hi 67,

I have a couple of things that I feel are in my favor:


Hope all is well with you.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 23, 2018, 12:41:02 PM
Did I say I was done?

I hit rock bottom about 2 weeks ago. Got myself into a situation that required me to go to a clinic to be checked out for STD's. I know it was stupid to put myself into that situation but I did and now I pay the price. I am waiting for the results before I am intimate with my wife. Since that time we have been abstinent as I told her I was on a reboot. However, realizing that I may need to tell her if my tests come back positive, I confessed. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She has been aware of my struggles with pmo but understandably not prepared for this type of news. Her response was similar to any partner that feels betrayed. I can't blame her.

So, for the past two weeks the health of my wife, the longevity of my marriage and my utter stupidity have been constantly on my mind. I love my wife dearly and she is a saint to stick by me after this news.

Now for my words of warning. I understand that pmo doesn't put one at a potential health risk but anyone out their that thinks pmo will not escalate or in some capacity, get out of control is kidding themselves. It may not be the same as an STD but a relationship with someone that you love is too precious to put in jeopardy. Life will be lonely if you are counting on the friendship of your left (right) hand, digital images, or an encounter with a random stranger.

Don't hit rock bottom before you see the light. Come clean, stay clean, and work your ass off to strengthen and support the love of your life. Don't have a partner? Well, if you keep going as I describe above, chances are you will not have one in the future either.

Life is too short.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Totte on May 23, 2018, 03:55:39 PM
Did I say I was done?

I hit rock bottom about 2 weeks ago. Got myself into a situation that required me to go to a clinic to be checked out for STD's. I know it was stupid to put myself into that situation but I did and now I pay the price. I am waiting for the results before I am intimate with my wife. Since that time we have been abstinent as I told her I was on a reboot. However, realizing that I may need to tell her if my tests come back positive, I confessed. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She has been aware of my struggles with pmo but understandably not prepared for this type of news. Her response was similar to any partner that feels betrayed. I can't blame her.

So, for the past two weeks the health of my wife, the longevity of my marriage and my utter stupidity have been constantly on my mind. I love my wife dearly and she is a saint to stick by me after this news.

Now for my words of warning. I understand that pmo doesn't put one at a potential health risk but anyone out their that thinks pmo will not escalate or in some capacity, get out of control is kidding themselves. It may not be the same as an STD but a relationship with someone that you love is too precious to put in jeopardy. Life will be lonely if you are counting on the friendship of your left (right) hand, digital images, or an encounter with a random stranger.

Don't hit rock bottom before you see the light. Come clean, stay clean, and work your ass off to strengthen and support the love of your life. Don't have a partner? Well, if you keep going as I describe above, chances are you will not have one in the future either.

Life is too short.

Peace

Thanks for sharing!
It helps others including me.

Tom
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on May 23, 2018, 08:21:00 PM
Bob

Sharing with your wife is the best thing you can do!  Porn addiction is centered around secrecy and being alone. When you are married, secret keeping is not healthy.  So keep being truthful!  I know many disagree with this way, but not telling makes it easier to relapse.  It also makes it easier to downplay the harm that it causes.  Living inside a porn addicted or any addicted brain means you are talking to an addict.  Reasoning with an addict as well. 

Good for you Bob!! Keep working toward your goal and cherish the love of your life!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Totte on May 24, 2018, 04:48:25 AM
Bob

Sharing with your wife is the best thing you can do!  Porn addiction is centered around secrecy and being alone. When you are married, secret keeping is not healthy.  So keep being truthful!  I know many disagree with this way, but not telling makes it easier to relapse.  It also makes it easier to downplay the harm that it causes.  Living inside a porn addicted or any addicted brain means you are talking to an addict.  Reasoning with an addict as well. 

Good for you Bob!! Keep working toward your goal and cherish the love of your life!!

Agree!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 29, 2018, 06:45:36 PM
I’m continuing forward folks. It’s almost 20 days. Not easy.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 11, 2018, 06:47:18 PM
So... it has been a long time since I mo'ed and today was the day.

Problem is, I have written in my journal that I must stay away from all of this stuff. What stuff I hear you ask? Well, m, mo., p-subs, ogling women, checking out erotic imagery in mainstream media; just about anything in the least be sexual. That is, unless in includes my wife. But, since I mo'ing only twice in the past 30 days... Just this once.

So I did it and, when it was over and I had started my day. About 4 hours later I came across some imagery that was a caricature of a woman's body. Breasts that constituted two V's on their sides with dots for nipples. Mind you this was an image so benign it was stupid. And what did I do? I began a searched for drawings of woman's breasts. As expected I got more than I thought I would; which is probably my desired result. And I looked it over a bit before I closed the window and deleted the history.

So what did I learn? I learned what constituted my first step backwards. So back to ground zero. No. Natta. Nothing.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 12, 2018, 08:25:42 AM
This process seems so simple. Its like the advertisement that explains how to lose weight...

Curb Your Appetite!

We all know it is not that simple. Pathways in the brain which are cultivated and strengthened over the years take time to relax. Take time to heal. Take time to lessen their control.

The first step is the decision, the second the work, and finally, the commitment that this process will any time required. It's not rocket science. It's a process where one defines what is important. The feelings may be strong. The pull may seem insurmountable but staying away is not going to kill me. I need to remember why I am here. The connection with my wife when I am "clean" is amazing. The alternative has been entered in my journal which goes back many months; even years. The goal is what is important. The old ways need to remain old.

In my journal, I have identified the steps that define the slope downward.

Peace my brothers and sisters. We can beat this. It's too important to continue this self destructive lifestyle!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 26, 2018, 06:18:48 AM
Some weeks back I made a list in my on private journal on the steps that begin a major "slip." This include the following:


and... you get the picture. The items that cause the problem begin small.

I need to stop it all. I need to remember where I have been and what leads me in that direction.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 02, 2018, 12:05:01 PM
I acknowledge the best way to progress with this process is to change one's behavior. This could include exercise, eating right, socializing, meditation and therapy. But, I continue to struggle with the seemly iniquitous steps that start my "downward" slide.  The first few activities may not seem like major problems. And they rarely happen quickly. However, when they begin, they are difficult to stop. Over time, the final result seems to be the same. Behavior that I would describe as rock bottom.

The goal is to understand the pull these behaviors deliver, and do what is necessary to halt, resisting the shame that comes with this compulsion. I must realize that the first step is steep, and when I gather speed I eventually begin to move downward. The first step seems so benign; its no big deal.  But, it always ends up at the same place. If I can acknowledge this first step as a problem, maybe I can eliminate the others.

I have attempted to make these statements as simple and as straight forward as possible without including additional information that may trigger others. So here it goes.

If I do any of the following, I acknowledge I have begun to decline. The potential danger is I will not stop at the first step.


I propose to stop at the first step.

Peace
[/list]
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 03, 2018, 07:08:59 AM
I believe additional explanation is necessary for my previous post. The point is not to acknowledge that if one takes a step that the end is inevitable. The point is that the first step is similar to any other step. It takes me in the wrong direction. So... when I realize that a step back has been taken, I need to realize it doesn't matter where I am on the stairs. I need to heed warning that the process has begun. No step is any different than another, if they all eventually take you to the same place.

One wrong step and my minds "flashers" should begin to fire, I need to make a change direction. This list can will identify things to come.

Peace. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 16, 2018, 02:39:15 PM
Well, I haven't visited for a while so I wanted to touch base and let folks know that the journey continues.

Still no pmo but I continue to mo about 6-10 times a month. Other items of concern have been eliminated so I am not sure if the mo is that big a deal. Also, it has been long enough since my stop date that my mind has been saying; "hey, take a peek, its no big deal." To combat this I go back and read my journal here as well as my personal writings.

And guess what? It is a big deal. Bottom is bottom and I hit it big time. This is the end. This is going to be eliminated from my life.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on July 17, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
Good to see you still working Bob!!! Your new found committment is the way to go!!! 

Good for you!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 17, 2018, 09:34:38 AM
Thanks Gracie, I appreciate your thoughts and support.

I have employed multiple avenues to my recovery and I think it has helped. I have been very open with my therapist, brutally open with my personal, private journal, open and soul searching with my wife. I have continue to read about relationships and love and include my wife in this process as much as I can. I realize the reboot process is to eliminate the challenge of pmo but my end goal has become a strong connection to the one I love.

One can become blinded by the process. While the initial acceptance of the addiction seems to be our main problem, the recovery is also challenging. We can assume that since we are recovering, we have already accomplished the goal; that we should be rewarded and that we expect a "reward" for our efforts. However, the recovery affects our partners as much (maybe more) as the initial decision to begin the recovery had on us. They didn't ask for it. But they become part of the process.

It isn't always smooth as I screw up on a regular basis; not with pmo but with selfish behavior that doesn't put my wife and my relationship first. Alas, I am still learning. Honestly, I hope I never give up on the learning process.

On another note, I have started to use a new tool for blocking my mind into thinking about the possibility of pmo or any other unhealthy behavior. I  even used it as I pass a trigger environments while on the road. If the thoughts come into my head, I acknowledge the dopamine is flowing. Any time one encounters the anticipation or possibility of making an unhealthy decision, dopamine kicks into gear. The more dopamine, the harder it is to stop the unhealthy behavior. So, when this occurs, I vocalize my objection with a loud NO!. While I initially felt silly expressing this loud proclamation, I instantly felt in control. It didn't last forever, but another NO! seemed to help as well.

I have a long trip by myself coming up and you can be assured that I will be using this while I am traveling on the road.

Peace to all the brothers and sisters who are working to free themselves from this behavior. We are on the right path!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 18, 2018, 06:37:50 AM
I have rewritten my last post three times. Not sure exactly what I was trying to say...

I guess my point is that if your partner is aware that you are going through the process and is supportive; great. But don't expect automatic commendations for realizing the problem. Sure it is great that you have realized the problem and are committed to work on it. But only time and commitment to the problem will begin the healing process.

You didn't develop this problem overnight. You will need time to heal. But be sure to give your partner that same allowance.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 19, 2018, 04:36:44 PM
Was on the computer (here on RN) and my wife asked what I was looking at. I mentioned RN and she express concern regarding the time I spend on here (while not the same as porn) still takes me away from her. For that reason, I will be limiting my time searching through RN. I will still come to post when I have specific thoughts or ideas, just reducing my surfing.

With that said, this place continues to be amazing with its support and understanding.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 20, 2018, 03:29:01 PM
Made a commitment to be m/mo free for 90 days. Have a trip coming up and I don’t want to place myself in a difficult situation.

So, what happens? By myself, I hear rain upon the the roof, and I get triggered.

Go figure.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 22, 2018, 03:30:42 AM
Good evening folks,

I wanted to quit porn long before I found RebootNation. I tried to quite but was I never  able to carry through with my plans. It didn't make sense. If I wanted to quit, why couldn't I just stop. Time and time again I would promise myself but no luck. It didn't happen. All I could think was "what is wrong with me?" Why can't I control this behavior? It was like porn owned me. However, reading Gary Wilson's book, Your Brain on Porn opened my eyes to the neuroplasticity of the brain and its ability "reinforce" pathways of behavior.

I have been rereading Gary Wilson's book. I came across 4 stages that I thought might be helpful for others as we all try to understand the addicted mind. Identifying this stages have helped me on this journey.

Please forgive my paraphrasing as I list them below.

Desensitization,
I can’t get no satisfaction:
A numbed response to pleasure. Acting like a tolerance built to make the mind search for more intense imagery to get the same response. This may include harder, more unusual or even disturbing imagery as shock, surprise, and anxiety, all produce an increase production of dopamine.

Sensitization,
I’ve got what you need:
An unconscious super memory of pleasure that trigger intense cravings. Triggers simple as turning on a computer, seeing a pop-up or being alone active reward circuity that screams for a release.

Hypofrontality,
Bad idea but I can’t stop you:
A reduction in activity in the prefrontal regions of the brain weakens the ability to resist strong subconscious cravings. The result is the feeling of not being able to resist the pull of previously identified negative activities.

Dysfunctional stress circuits,
I NEED something to take the edge off Now:
This leads to increase cravings in the presence of everyday stress. Even normal stress can begin the cycle of pmo. This can spin into an increasing progression of relapsing, regardless of the vows to refrain.


To all my brothers and sisters who are in this fight, addict and partner alike.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 23, 2018, 02:58:34 PM
Throughout my reboot, I haven't been able to decide how I feel about mo. I knew it wasn't particularly helpful; even added to my "slippery slope" list. But if it happened, I didn't worry about it too much.

I have an extended road trip coming up soon. Time on the road is deadly to me. I assume it is for many of us. Because of my past, I am have particular concerns. For that reason, I am making a decision to go without m, mo for 90 days. No big reason for the 90 days, it just is a long enough time where I will be well past my trip and I should be able to determine if I have benefited from this abstinence.

Giving up p? That isn't anything to giving up  mo. Well, I have some time already under my belt as my last tie was on July 15.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RightWay on July 23, 2018, 06:45:39 PM
Hey Bob! I'm glad to see you are still on here and have not given up. I agree that giving up P is not anything like giving up MO. I have not been able to stop MO in the three years I have been trying to re-boot.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 24, 2018, 07:18:31 AM
I want to recommend folks look to William's journal,

Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin

under the Porn Addiction section of the RN website. Very insightful.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 26, 2018, 03:34:39 PM
Just touching base to let folks know I will be traveling this weekend. Traveling by myself is always a challenging time. Too much time on my hands makes my mind wander and the "pull" is always there. I plan on verbalizing a loud NO when my mind wanders or when I pass a place that I must resist. I'm not going to visit! I'm not going to stop. I'm not going in!

Currently my guts are churning.

I know what i want to do, what I must do, but it is sooooo hard at times.

Oh You Devil Dopamine.


Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RightWay on July 26, 2018, 05:15:48 PM
Good luck to you bob. I said a prayer for you. Not sure if you are into any spiritual dimensions. Yes, the battle can seem impossibly difficult and discouraging at times. I am glad that you have stayed online for the last 3 years and are not giving up. Your post here is an encouragement to me. I wish I had some greater words of wisdom but I am with you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 26, 2018, 07:23:37 PM
Thank you Right,

I feel foolish to be at this point in my life. Almost 62 years old, fighting something that has been a part of my life for so long. I know fighting it is best. Lately, when making love to my wife, it has been utterly amazing. And I have gone for stretches without p for 90-100 days. But somehow now it is different. It has to stop. I have to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I have to remember where I was at my lowest point and realize that is not how I want to live.

I have a wonderful therapist who is thoughtful and wise. I have been closer and more open with my wife that I have ever been in my life. And I have the potential to do great things.

Reminds me of Brando's line in On the Waterfront. "You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody..."

Well here is my chance. I need to address this as an addiction; not to sex or porn but of dopamine and the reward center of my brain. Sure, many years of pmo have built those pathways but changing my environment can ease those connections. They can be reduced. I need to see myself as an individual who doesn't have time for my previous life. I need to move up and move on.

Sorry for my ranting on. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. After all, we are all in this together.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 27, 2018, 10:16:35 AM
I had an epiphany!

Borrowing concepts from the writings of William, I've taken liberties in creating a phonemic to provide  strength and resisting temptation.

Link to William's journal is below.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0 (ftp://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0)

CEED:
Pronounced seed, it evokes thoughts hatched in the mind, or the vital part of seamen present upon ejaculation. Both represent a new beginning, new life.

CEED   
Commit to a life without porn.
If one is going to succeed, it has to be forever!

CEED 
Embrace the pain of withdrawal.
Its going to hurt. Realize this pain is productive. It is the process of healing, rewiring the mind.

CEE
Eliminate unproductive habits.
Socialize, exercise, eat right, meditate, learn an instrument or a new language, become the new you.
 
CEED   
Do the time; a full reboot.
This can not be accomplished in 2, 5, 7 or 10 days. Determine how much time to devote and stick to it. If you slip, start again, get back to it. No shame in a slip unless you quit trying.

My goal utilize this phonemic when temptation or triggers rear their ugly head. It should get good use on my up and coming road trip.

Peace to all.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RightWay on July 27, 2018, 11:04:34 AM
bob,

I'm glad to see the victories you've had. You're right though, porn has to be completely vanquished or it can and often will come back worse than ever. I have some church friends who don't like the phrase 'Once an addict, always an addict' but I am not offended by that sentiment. To me it means we must always be extremely careful and never let our guard down. "Embrace the pain of withdrawal" = words of wisdom for me right now.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on July 28, 2018, 08:01:43 AM
Hey Bob!

Good to see you have the most important component i your recovery, your wife!   The center of your intimacy!  This is what will make your walk different this time.  You have someone to share the load with.  Keeping a secret like porn and then piling on top of that with secret attempts at recovery is exhausting work.  Then if that is the chioce and the wife discovers, the load can be unbearable!

As painful as it is to walk the walk of recovery with total openess, I would not have it any other way.  I learned things about myself.  And my method of communication.  See Sue Johnson book Hold Me Tight.   And he has learned about himself.  And his method of communication. 

I also learned he indeed does remember how to make love!  Not just have sex.  I learned he could stop the "need to ogle women".  I learned most importantly he does love me.  I still struggle with the youthful attractiveness of the women.  But he holds me and talks to me when it sprouts up.  Not often anymore but....

He learned how "something everybody does" literally broke my heart.  I was a shell of myself.  He learned, looking back, how he disconnected himself from our family.  He learned, I am not "a cold fish".  He learned I enjoy making love.  He learned that our marriage could survive.


Only working together, through excrutiating pain and the highs of discovery of each other and communication could we be here today.  7 years later.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 30, 2018, 03:14:59 PM
Gracie,

She has been with me from the start and I love her for that support. And, I agree secrecy is added fuel for this type of problem. It causes nothing but heartache and pain.

Thank you for your support.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 31, 2018, 05:56:21 AM
I mentioned that I was going to be on a long road trip and road trips by myself can be my downfall.

Not this time. I noticed places that I had visited in the past but the pull was not there. Well maybe just a bit but as I was reminded of the pain and suffering that visit had caused. I envisioned stopping in and telling the clerk that "I was addicted to porn and places like this but I wasn't going to stop in anymore." However, wisely, I just drove on past.

Have a return trip but the plan is the same. I will just drive on past.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on July 31, 2018, 10:46:11 AM
Awesome job! Be sure to share that with your wife! Always share the successes! Celebrate those together!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Qtrmilerun on August 01, 2018, 06:16:21 AM
Great Job Bob!

Just stay on course brother:)

QTR
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2018, 08:40:39 AM
I’m continuing onward. Not officially counting the days but no p/pmo since May 10th. No m/mo since July 15th. M is the most difficult but hey, I’m not going to die and it just might help me live my new life.

This is the finally the end of this crap. Pulls you in, doesn’t let you go. Controls your life... Not anymore. Not ever again. I’m setting myself free. Free to be what I want to be 

A quote from my friend Leon,
“Cry as it may, the beast doesn’t get the cookie.”

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RightWay on August 01, 2018, 09:56:17 AM
You're doing great Bob! Starting a new life is tougher than we ever bargained for. Reading your post helps me to stay away from PMO today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2018, 11:47:59 AM
Thanks Righ,

I am honored.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 01, 2018, 11:05:11 PM
Tomorrow I head back on the road. Will pass by past temptations. The plan is to sail on by. It will be the new me as I gain strength with my success. The temptation is no more.

Excited to see my wife. It’s been a bit of a lonely week without her.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 02, 2018, 06:23:24 AM
To repeat a post I have used before:

GO BOB GO!!!  GO BOB GO!!!  GO BOB GO!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 04, 2018, 07:50:47 AM
Back from my trip without indecent. Now, as summer comes to an end, I will continue with my task of changing my life.

My thoughts go out to all, individuals in recovery and the partners of those individuals

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Qtrmilerun on August 05, 2018, 12:46:36 PM
Peace to you as well Bob. It's been awesome getting to know you through your rebuilding process.

Keep up the good work!!
QTR
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 05, 2018, 03:13:19 PM
Just checking in to provide an update...

I continue to work on my use of the 2 second rule. The attire of many young women can be extremely distracting. My goal is to acknowledge it when I see it, then redirect my attention away, move in a more productive direction. See her, acknowledge she is attractive, and redirect. After all, I am not her peer, I am closer to the age of her grandfather. When I am not pulled in by my thoughts and fantasies, I show her the respect she deserves as a young woman.

This truth translates to other medias as well. Still, or video images can pull one in. The goal is to pass on by. The hit of dopamine is not worth it. Like a selfish child, it always wants more. Best to starve this desire. Best to pass on by. Best to stay away.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 06, 2018, 09:38:39 AM
Good morning all,

It is amazing to me the hold or pull this problem has on me as an individual. I sit here by myself as my wife leaves for work and I seem obsessed with thoughts and feelings of lust and insecurity. I know from experience that following through on these feelings whether through mo or pmo provides no relief. Those actions just intensify the desire, the need to continue with said activities. So continues the problem we all are here to end. Acting out doesn't provide relief. It doesn't satisfy. It doesn't quench the "thirst" of lust. It only makes that desire more intense. And through that, the problems continues

How can that be?

I hit rock bottom at the beginning of the summer. At that time, I determined that it was the end. I was through with all of this. I could only look up and I wasn't going down anymore. So, when are the feelings going to end? When am I going to feel like I have a handle on this thing? When can I feel that it was under control?

My only hope is that with time the twinges of desire will diminish and that I feel OK. Not sure when that will occur but I keep working towards that goal. I know in my heart that I am not going back. It was a bottomless pit that left me with disrepair and self loathing. Can't go back there. Not going to do it.

On the bright side, my relationship with my wife has improved dramatically. We are talking (real communication) about things that we never discussed before. About sex, sure, but much of it is about us as a couple. We have grown closer and more open with each other. We talk about things that need to be discussed. Both of us have grown. One of the things that I feel has helped me personally is listening to the book What Makes Love Last by John Gottman. It opened up my eyes to what my wife was experiencing in our relationship. Previously I would say that I had a difficult time understanding myself. Now i think of us, both my wife's and my own feelings in our relationship.

So, I continue to work on staying away from hyper-sexualized thoughts and feelings. I am not where I want to be but I know what I must eliminate from my life. It's a slow and tenuous process but it is one that I will continue to pursue.

I encourage others to do the same.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 07, 2018, 03:31:10 PM
Well, the past two days were really rough...

I have defined the process where I find myself slipping back into pmo. This is made up of a series of small things that add up to a full blown relapse. The first step is checking out p-subs. I got caught up in this activity during the past two days. Started with searches on Instagram. Today it progressed to sexualized content on Netflix. It sucked up a good part of the day when I should be moving forward. Trying not to beat myself up but I honestly feel stupid to get pulled into stuff like that. Didn't m but I the dopamine dump was in full force.

Oh how I long for a time when this shit doesn't have that constant pull. I am committed to be free of this stuff but am not going to make it if I don't stay away from the edge. Its those mundane acts that constitute the ice of an unsure footing.

One thing about ice. One may think that they are fine if they just take their time, take it slow. Not so. Before you know it you are flat on your ass. I don't want to be flat on my ass. I want to keep moving.

Will check in tomorrow with (hopefully) positive news that I am back on track.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 08, 2018, 08:07:03 AM
Today is a new day and I am committed to do a positive substitution.

If I have any thoughts (p, m, s-subs) I will classify these items as diversions. What I plan to do is substitute something positive for these diversions. Recommended by a friend (and good advise for sure) I will work to make sure that I am not trying to say away from diversions but to replace diversions with more positive activities. We all know the big three, Exercise, Healthy Eating, Mindfulness. All of these will have a positive impact on our lives and in the mean time, "what was that behavior I was trying to avoid? On yeah, I remember IT"

My new words of wisdom? Don't give IT the credit of conscious though. Strive to be the new you.

Easy to say. I will keep you informed on my progress.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 09, 2018, 07:01:25 AM
Good morning folks

Yesterday went smooth with little time for the negative thoughts or activities. I was able to assist my wife in a major project and she was delighted.

On a side note, over the past days, we have made love more than we have in a very long time. We did it the first time and the very next day she asked me. "Hey, do you want to..." I smiled and responded with a affirming, "I'll be upstairs." We were intimate 4 times in 5 days. I always seem to be ready and was pleasantly surprised with the frequency.

Last night she said that she felt like we were like a new couple. She wondered if I had a reason this would be happening? I said that I felt like I am committed to eliminate porn, and we were actively working on communication, even with difficult subjects.

On to this morning while i was looking at the paper. I saw a cute female on the cover of at advertisement, inadvertently picked it up and turned the page, where I came upon the women's underwear adds. Had to smile to myself as I closed that section of the newspaper and set it down. The cues are everywhere and it is up to us to determine if we will react.

Not going to engage. Its not worth it. It doesn't get me anywhere I want to be.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoFear on August 09, 2018, 09:21:54 AM
Bob, congratulations on finding the courage to talk about what you're dealing with right now. I find it difficult, even in an anonymous forum like this. The fact that you recognize the behavior as counterproductive and a prelude to returning to old habits is a big step. You can put this in its proper place, just like you did with P before. Good luck! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: RightWay on August 09, 2018, 11:40:03 AM
Hey Bob, I really enjoy reading your posts, even the tough stuff. Your 2 second rule is really what the No Arousal method is all about. It is helping me tremendously and is probably the single-most profitable thing I have ever read on Reboot. Maybe you've already read about No Arousal but here is the link just in case:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/the-no-arousal-method-celibacy-of-body-and-mind.14525/

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 09, 2018, 08:04:53 PM
RightWay,

Thanks for the link. I believe I have seen that before but it doesn't hurt to read it again. Really important information on redirecting your mind from the desire and fruitlessness of ogling women. Acknowledge the beauty and allure then redirect. Give the women and yourself the respect you deserve.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 11, 2018, 01:55:37 PM
OK, so this is a somewhat related event that eventually brought a smile to my face; at least after I figured out what was going on.

I have been having a nightmare with hooking up a new cable modem for the internet. Spent almost 6 hours on the phone yesterday with no success. This morning I thought i would try one more time because the scheduled repair was 5 days out. So I worked with the provider one more time and this time it seemed like it was going to work. My wife was sitting on the couch as I did a google search of a high end powerboat company. I have never gone to this site and used it so I could be assured that the internet was working properly. The company came up on the search, I clicked on the company URL and sat down to let the tech on the phone we were all set.

The computer was in plain sight sitting up on the top of a counter so anyone in the room could see the screen. When I looked back to the screen to see an image of a reclined woman in a bikini.  What the...

My heart jumped as I saw the image. Then I realized what it was.

We both had a good chuckle.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 12, 2018, 09:58:52 AM
I posted this on stopporn's journal and though I should include it on my own. To remind me as well as support others who feel like they can't survive without pmo or mo.

I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't imagine going more than 2 days without m. Just didn't think I could make it without going insane.

I calculated that I have m’ed every day for the past 45 years. Considering some days I went on for HOURS and other days I did it MULTIPLE times a day I figure this is a conservative estimate.  VERY CONSERVATIVE. Now, figuring on 10 min per session it looks like this:

45 years x 365 days x 10 min / 60 min in a hour / 24 hours in a day = 114 days of continuous masturbation.

That is a lot of time jerking off.


This is not a badge of honor. Nor do I shame myself. Neither is productive But, even with this history, I have reached over 90 days without pmo, almost 30 without m or mo.

It took me a long time to get to this point. And it hasn’t been easy. But, I am not dead. It didn’t kill me. It was difficult. It hurt. But I survived. I am still alive.

You can do this to.

You have to be committed. You have to want it. And you have to work on it but success is possible. RN helps. YBOP (book and website) helps. And talking to others, wife, councilor, RN buddies, and yes even confessing to special friends and close relatives helps. In fact, I learned some struggle with the same addiction.

Do I still have thoughts about it. Sure. But I am moving forward.

So, long story short, journal about your successes, your challenges, and your milestones. And, remember, you never fail unless you stop trying.

We are with you. We have been there. We understand. We don’t want either of us to go back.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoFear on August 12, 2018, 04:46:30 PM
Thanks for the encouragement.  I need that today.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 12, 2018, 06:51:58 PM
I have faith in you. You can do beat this thing.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 13, 2018, 09:16:51 AM
Woke up this morning and my wife went off the work.

Lots of things to accomplish but I went back to bed. I know, i know, that isn't a good idea but that's what happened. Then the dogs barked to go outside and I got myself up and realized that I needed to get moving. Moving is what is going to keep the urges away. In bed I mulled over the idea that it is no big deal if I was to mo. Hey, I have the feeling, why not satisfy it and get on with my day. It's not what happens but was my mind talking.

Here are some things that I am trying to remember when these things occur.


Sometimes I feel like a broken record but posting seems to help.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoFear on August 15, 2018, 09:03:15 AM
It helps me to read your thoughts like this.  I have the same feelings and thoughts and have to find a way to deal with them, too.  I just helps to see what others do to handle things.  Thanks.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 15, 2018, 01:54:50 PM
Well, I woke up this morning and I had a strong desire to m. After all, what is the big deal. I've gone a month without it. And, it seems to be calling to me to pay attention to this thing that seems so hard in the morning. Its as if it is saying, "I'm ready for action."

If one slips the big challenge is to not heap on the shame. So, if there isn't any shame then what the heck.

Then I think of all the other folks that have come and gone on this site. Some with success. Some just giving up. Some successful folks have stayed, then after an extended period of time felt like their life was better served if they moved on. P or m is no longer a part of their life and to continue to stay active on RN continues to bring it to the forefront.

Some are individuals who I would have defined as friends, close friends. Others merely acquaintances who were striving for the same goal, a life without porn.

This type of environment is always changing. That is a fact. But until I feel like I need to move on, I must respect the individuals who have done the work before me. If they were able to beat this thing, they have accomplished something amazing. Something I could not have imagined when I first arrived. Now, I see that it is possible and I am considering m'ing? What am I nuts?

So to all that have come before, I hold out from respect I have for your journey.

Pease
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on August 15, 2018, 02:00:42 PM
Great perspective! I think it is so good when some of the people who have really recovered do stick around. They can be such an encouragement to the new people! Keep it up Bob. One day at a time.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2018, 08:11:03 AM
Ugh.

Just spent the last 30-45 min on a post and then lost it. Will do it again but can't right now. I hate that.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2018, 05:19:48 PM
Greetings,

I have been on RN for quite a long time.

I have seen individuals come and go. I have developed some friends who have sadly disappeared without a trace. Others have been successful in distancing themselves from p. After they have “won the fight” and find it tedious to remain active. I get that. If you’ve left p behind, why would you continue to delve into its madness. Constant visits keep p in the forefront of one’s mind and that’s not a positive environment. So, over time they have said their good byes and have moved on. I am sorry to see them go but I understand. Folks remaining behind must carry on for themselves. After all, this is a personal struggle.

However, I have gone in the other direction and am spending too much time here on RN. I am so tuned to this site that it is the first thing I look at each time I log in. I love the support and comradely that I get from this place but I need to make sure that this doesn’t control my life. I don’t want a substitute addiction. Journaling is still productive but constantly checking RN doesn’t help me obtain my goal.

Someone once said that if you want to conquer this addiction, you must eliminate all p, forever! At one time I couldn’t see myself p free. Not forever. I thought I had to leave a window open, so I could peek in. I might miss something. I no longer feel that way. I am committed to a life without p. While p it may still enter my thoughts, it mustn’t control me.

With that never on my mind, I will be limiting my visits to once a day. Most people here will not even be able to tell this has occurred. That is why I am telling folks now. It is how I hold myself accountable. I still want to visit. I still need to write in my journal. But if I plan to completely eliminate this from my life I have to back away from RN too.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 16, 2018, 08:44:34 PM
Bob,

The advantage to being here and posting is you shine a light for others.  That is why it is important to remain.  Maybe not post every day but new healers need to know the way of recovery.  They need to know wives should be involved.  I have yet to read of a success without wife knowing of what had happened.  You are an important cog in the wheel of recovery!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on August 16, 2018, 10:05:26 PM
Shout out Bob! Thinking of you my friend and hope you are well.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2018, 08:51:12 PM
Gracie,

Thank you for your vote of confidence. I'll be sticking around for a good long time. And, I agree. One must be honest with their partner. It tough to understand how you do it any other way.

Lyon,

I am currently at 90 some days and 30 w/o m. Going for at least 90 on the m thing. See what that is like once I get to that point.

Not really counting days but connecting to a new life that will continue into the future.  Still have some things to work out but it's getting better.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 18, 2018, 07:04:30 PM
Well, I just had the strongest pull, the strongest desire to act out that i have had in a long time. It really scared me.

I have a huge deadline that i have been putting off. Many people are counting on my and it is a big deal with my work. So, I was working on it this weekend and someone asked us to dinner. We said yes, and I went back to work. My wife left for a while and I fell into a full blown panic attack. At least that is what I think happened. I felt sick to my stomach, cold sweats, and all around terrible. I called the folks where we were going to have dinner and said I wouldn't be able to make it. They asked if my wife wanted to still come and she said yes.

Still stressed, I was working on the computer when a nude female image come up on a link I was working on. It wasn't overly revealing but she was definitely nude. Still stressed, my wife was leaving again, and I just had the biggest dopamine dump that I have had in a long time.

I came to RN to journal as well as tried EFT tapping to break the strong feelings I was having.

I am doing better but that sure scared me. I don't want to go there.

I want to be free

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: HarveyManfrengensen on August 20, 2018, 08:37:11 AM
Great job on resisting!  I don't look forward to the next time I am alone at home for an extended period of time.  I know that will be a major test for me.

If you could, tell me what is "EFT" tapping?

Thanks!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 20, 2018, 03:34:41 PM
Harvey,

There are a lot of sites out their that talk about this method of impulse control. I actually watched a couple of youtube videos. I was going to provide a link but don't have one site that I would recommend over another. I would  google EFT Tapping and see what you think.

Some sites say it is a bunch of shit. But, it seemed to help me.

The concept is your take your 4 fingers (exclude your thumb) and tap them against key points on your body. It starts with the fleshy part of your hand that you would use for a karate chop move. Then it moves to your eyebrows, under your nose... and so forth.

While you are doing this you say out loud, "Even thought I am constantly (you can use your own words here) tempted by porn and masturbation, I love myself and respect myself as a person."

I felt crazy the first time I did it. In fact I refused to do it when I first heard about it. But, my therapist said it might help so I thought, "what the heck." At least it did on Saturday and I was really worried about a relapse.

Please let me know if you find anything worthwhile in your google search and if you think it is a help.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: HarveyManfrengensen on August 21, 2018, 08:45:47 AM
Thanks Bob, I guess I could have searched for it rather than asking you! :)

I am going to read up on it, or watch up on it, whatever.

I like stuff like that. I think it would be beneficial.

Thanks Again!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 22, 2018, 08:37:52 PM
Guess I just need to post something. Anything.

I notice how triggered I get when things are down and I am depressed. Its all I can do to ignore that "call to numb myself." I see something that triggers me and I think, "hey, I know how to feel better." I know its not the answer but sometimes it doesn't seem to help.

I feel confused. I'm ready for it to go away. Ready for it to stop. I want it to stop. I understand that it will eventually get easier but it will never go away.

Sometimes reality sucks.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 26, 2018, 10:00:53 AM
Still here. Still moving forward.

Things don't seem to be emotionally as stable as I would like. But it has little to do with the pull resulting from the exclusion of porn. My red flags aren't returning to porn. My worries include random searches on Instagram, gawking at butt cheeks hanging out of the short shorts of a coed, or that insatiable desire to m. Each is the first step, the first stumble, the insignificant slip which occurs before one falls flat on their ass.

I am skipping the ubiquitous magnifying class of Instagram, limiting my view to acknowledgement when encountering the provocative attired female, and accepting the realization that the release of m will not satisfy my desire.

These may appear inconsequential, even trivial but these are my current challenges. These are the mountains I must climb. These constitute my path to a new life void of the compulsive behavior of the past.

Peace to everyone on similar paths which lead to a life free of porn.


Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 26, 2018, 10:33:44 AM
Ahhh the butt.  My husband's favorite view.  Best advice:  Keep chin parallel to the ground.   Think, if she were my daughter/grandaughter this would be YUCK!  (She is someone's daughter/grandaughter).  Not allow eyes to roam.  Focus on something that is shoulder height for you.  (This also helps with ogling, lingering looks, etc.)


Keep working Bob!  You can do this!!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: holycabbage on August 26, 2018, 11:33:07 AM
I enjoy reading your posts.  It's a struggle, for sure, but you must win the little battles if you want to win the war.

Stay strong and keep going.

Ahhh the butt.  My husband's favorite view.  Best advice:  Keep chin parallel to the ground.   Think, if she were my daughter/grandaughter this would be YUCK!  (She is someone's daughter/grandaughter).  Not allow eyes to roam.  Focus on something that is shoulder height for you.  (This also helps with ogling, lingering looks, etc.)


Keep working Bob!  You can do this!!!!

This is good advice, as difficult as it may be sometimes.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 26, 2018, 04:59:31 PM
Ahhh the butt.

Gracie, when I first read your comments, I didn't understand. Then the light bulb flashed.

My point was that I have elevated the elements like m, ogling, and searches on Instagram to the level of major concern. Not because I am close to doing making them a daily occurrence but that they are the first step in a direction I don't want to go. I am done with that lifestyle. I'm not going back. I may have a slip (maybe looking for 3 seconds) but I realize that even these actions have to stop.

And holdycabbage, thanks for your thoughts too. I only want to move forward.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on August 26, 2018, 08:51:51 PM
Trying to help you not slip!  Perhaps others will be helped!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 27, 2018, 06:01:50 AM
Gracie,

You are right.

I am kidding myself if I think I am "fixed" and completely free of those strong pulls backwards. Your words are wise and well deserved on my part. Keep your thoughts and comments coming.

I am quick to elevate myself I am out of the fray. But in reality, I am here dealing with this crap; still here when i would like to be free.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: HarveyManfrengensen on August 27, 2018, 12:45:09 PM
Quote
My point was that I have elevated the elements like m, ogling, and searches on Instagram to the level of major concern

Man I get you.  I have been having major temptations too in the form of fantasy mostly and some ogling.

I guess I have told myself that my own imagination isn't off limits.  I thought that fantasizing about a real woman and real scenarios with myself as an active partner in the scene was OK. 

Do you feel it is not ok to fantasize about being with real women?  I am not doing this while masturbating....I am mostly doing it while driving or waiting to fall asleep.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: foo on August 27, 2018, 01:02:19 PM
> Do you feel it is not ok to fantasize about being with real women?

I do it but I don't think it's okay while rebooting.

It is only likely to plant the seeds of temptation to look at porn or masturbate. Why play with fire while you are trying to go clean.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 28, 2018, 09:02:58 PM
I fantasize about my wife but avoid anything else.

On another note, I got up early and exercised today. Seemed to help my mood a great deal. At this point, I feel that is where i need to spend most of my energy. And, with no porn since May 10 and no masturbation since July 15, I'm finally walking the walk!

Feels good to know I can do something that at one time I thought was impossible.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: newstart on August 29, 2018, 02:28:54 PM
Bob, it's possible and you are proving it.  Honestly, my few days off seem small but I am farther along than I ever thought possible.

Your story and your constant encouragement on so many threads is helpful.  Sometimes I'm getting strength from a story I read that has you as the first reply.  It like double the power.  Thanks for what you do.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2018, 04:25:36 PM
Newstart,

I appreciate that tremendously. I am honored to think I make any difference at all.

There are times when I am so doubtful that it hurts. I doubt that I can every stop thinking about this stuff, doubt that I can stay away from masturbation, doubt that I can avert my eyes when some young female walks by. And sometimes I fail. Well, at least with averting my eyes. From the other things, I have somehow stay away. But with me, it is directly related with my mood and my current level of stress. If I am feeling stressed or overwhelmed, that is the time when I think reverting back will make everything feel better. Its like that drug that will take away all my pain. I know it doesn't work. I know that I will fall down a hole where it will become difficult to return. But honestly, that is when I have the most difficult time.

I always felt frustrated about the individual that started and never looked back. Ones that seemed to be able to quit, and stay clean. They felt so much better after their first week that "escape" never crosses their mind again. They are right with the world and seem to think they are "fixed."

I don't feel that way. I seem to require constant work and control. I guess that is OK though. All I can do is keep working towards my goal.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2018, 05:02:20 PM
By the way, Newstart,

Any success that you encounter should be a point of rejoice. This thing is a tough cookie to crack and that fact that you are here shows dedication and commitment.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on August 29, 2018, 06:18:38 PM
Bob, we've laid down heavy tracks in our minds.  It's going to take time to erase them.  I have faith this is going to get easier.  We are going to prevail, brother.  The addiction is lying to you.  These feelings are temporary.  It won't always be this way for you.  Yes, we will always be addicts, but it will get easier.

I'm not sure if you are going for a 90-day reboot, but if you are, you are halfway there.  If you ran the first half, you can run the second half.  That is just an amazing accomplishment.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2018, 10:26:55 PM
Thanks uncreated,

Going for 90 without m, that's for sure. Almost 4 months without p. Guess I should rejoice in the fact that this time its for real.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on August 30, 2018, 01:31:17 PM
Yeah, you are doing it.  To me 45 days without masturbation sounded as crazy as 45 days without eating.  But you are there.  It's a huge accomplishment.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 30, 2018, 11:05:23 PM
YTo me 45 days without masturbation sounded as crazy as 45 days without eating.

You crack me up. That's a great line.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Broadfield78 on August 31, 2018, 10:25:13 AM
Your progress is inspiring Bob, from where you started to where you are now. It gives us all hope. Keep going and sending positivity to you to continue this amazing work you have started
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 31, 2018, 12:07:10 PM
Thank you. I appreciate your comments and sign of support. Sometimes it feels overwhelming to be in this situation at all. Other times I feel like I am doing OK.

I guess the important part is to keep moving forward.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 31, 2018, 09:51:09 PM
Good evening folks,

I come to the end of the day and I wanted to say thank you for all that have been here, are here, and will be here on RN. This process doesn't happen in a vacuum. It takes people. Individuals who are willing to care, to write down their most intimate thoughts, sometimes their most embarrassing moments. Where compulsions to porn have taking over their lives. Sometimes at the very bottom of their existence they have decided to fight back. And fight back they do.

My hat is off to all of you. Please realize that we are all in this together.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 01, 2018, 11:47:18 AM
I have been struggling with provocatively dressed women. I even see them pull their shorts down a bit, knowing that they are too short and their butt is peeking out at the bottom. What I need to do is realize that if I see that image, I naturally respond as the normally healthy male I am. I don't have to search it out. I don' t have to linger on these views. I don't have to connect that with actions such as further fantasies or lingering thoughts.

On the other side, I don't have to beat myself up because I saw it. I need to face it and say, hey, it was there. I noticed it as most men would, but I need to realize those instances, don't rule my life. They are there. They will always be there. And encounters in seeing them isn't a downfall on my part. The problem is when my mind tries to take it further.

At one time, I use to think, why are they wearing those cloths if the are obviously are uncomfortable in them. Wearing a short skirt or shorts and then always pulling them down to cover up? It seemed crazy. Then I realize that I have put on shorts, pants, or shirts that I didn't think fit correctly, and I try to adjust it after the fact, even throughout the day. Laundry was typically my rationale. Why wouldn't that be the same for the women.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Broadfield78 on September 02, 2018, 01:17:55 AM
A great perspective bob. As you know I have been struggling with something similar as I am in holiday at the moment. You prob read on my own journal about me having daydreams about having an affair with a younger woman. I think this has been the cumulative effect of being exposed to the women I am seeing round the pool/beachon holiday.

Like you say, it’s fine to look, but it needs to end there. I think it’s a good point about looking being ok and being natural but I am struggling with telling the difference between that and my porn brain playing tricks at the moment
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 02, 2018, 09:38:58 AM
Like you say, it’s fine to look, but it needs to end there.

We need to stop after the initial acknowledgement that first view. But to look isn't just fine, it is natural. I was feeling I was a bad person because I saw this image. That I reacted to the view.

Reacting to the view may be the dopamine trying to get more, to get out , to take control of your need to linger over that view. But we can control ourselves. We see the view, a response may even be WOW, can you image? Then move on to the rest of your day. That slight view might have caused a tingle of desire, but that desire doesn't have to control us. The desire is natural. The tingle is automatic, but we are in charge of our bodies. We do this. And when we do this we win that battle. Do enough and we win the war.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 02, 2018, 11:52:32 AM
One thing I need to remember, this constant bombardment of erotic images of porn made me more susceptible to fantasy of scantly clad women. They are out there but the porn drenched mind is the one that is quick to search them out. With time, I hope that will change. Might not eliminate it but some dampening would be appreciated.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on September 03, 2018, 11:19:17 AM
Just remember that what ever body part you are fixated on is actually attached to a person. Yep! Shocking, lol, those butt cheeks are in fact attached to a daughter. She has a name. Wonder what it is? Wonder what her story is? Wonder if she could see your thoughts read aloud what her reaction would be? If someone were thinking those things about your daughter how would you feel? She is someone daughter. Is she worth respect or is she an object? I am not saying this to shame, but to try and get you to think. I understand the first glance just happens, but you can control how long it lasts and if there is a second glance. Porn addiction thrives in an environment of instant gratification and lack of self control. Start exercising those self control muscles! Shift the perspective from objectification to really understanding that she is a person, a sister, mother, daughter. She has a story. The porn brain wants to diminish them to an image/ object and it removes the human quality from them. Do the opposite! If you have taken it upon yourself to objectify her ass then at the very least get her name, lol.  Keep up the good progress Bob! I think your heart and effort are in the right place!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 03, 2018, 11:30:34 AM
Not sure if you meditate, but it is great practice for allowing thoughts to arise without following them.  Not that I don't get stuck in vicious loops of repetitive thinking!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 03, 2018, 11:38:42 AM
aquarius25,

My main point was that I was thinking I was a terrible, bad, no good person for even seeing the image (butt cheeks or whatever). I was trying to say it's going to be there and you may see it. Seeing it is OK. The reaction is what counts.

I am redirecting accordingly. But there is something wrong with thinking I am terrible, the moment I see something. Continue to work on the redirect, and I do know that is someones daughter. But feeling shame when you see it isn't good either. I can berate myself but I should do that after my eyes linger. Not before.

I am not a bad person just because I came across that individual (scantly clothed) in the grocery store. It is my reaction that needs to be

I don't blame her either, or think, "how can she dress like that." I know she is a person that needs the respect as a individual. She is a young woman and her attire is her prerogative, not mine.

Does this make any sense?


Uncreatedlight,

Thanks for the thoughts on meditation. I continue to try and work with that but currently with little success.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 05, 2018, 01:38:56 PM
I have been stressed and sick the past few days. Last night I clicked on that magnify glass on Instagram. Up came past searches that were not productive. I later went back to my phone and spent some time looking around before I went to bed. Today I felt like crap and went home early today. This was my texting conversation with my wife. I'm Red and my wife is blue.

I'm heading home.

I'm so sorry. I know what you are feeling. Want me to bring you anything when I come home?

No. I'm OK.

You can ask me if I stayed away from p-subs when you come home? I need to and it is hard when I am stressed, hurt, and alone.


I got your back Jack! Your can do this!

You are never alone.


Thank you.

You are utterly and absolutely amazing!!!


She is too! Not sure what I did to deserve a woman like this but I am sure glad she is on my side. Our relationship isn't perfect but I am continually amazed at her open and caring attitude.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 05, 2018, 01:51:35 PM
That is awesome.  It is such a gift.  Never take it for granted.  I hope you feel better soon!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on September 05, 2018, 03:00:44 PM
Bob!  So impressed with your progress!

Your last post shows your growth as man, and more and most importantly as a husband.  A true life partner!

You have also shown the importance and advantage of including your wife in your recovery.   Yes we wives are hurt by the addiction, but we also love our husbands.  And we want our marriages to be what we know they can be.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on September 06, 2018, 08:52:56 AM
Bob, I am sorry I misunderstood. Yes shame is an awful feeling and not helpful to recovery at all. I think you need to give yourself a bit of grace. You are trying, you are giving it your all, nobody is perfect the the real testimony is the fact that you care and you want to be more. That attitude right there deserves some credit. You are not the person you were long ago. Appreciate the progress and be proud of that. My husband went through a season of carrying the weight of a lot of shame. One thing I had to talk to him about was this.... He was feeling like he was a real piece of crap. He kept saying that too, that he thought of himself as a piece of crap. I finally said, "wow! So you think I would marry a piece of crap?! I married an honorable man, who I love, and am proud of!" I think you should talk to your wife. I think you should ask her what she loves about you. You should start trying to see those things in yourself. List them out and carry them with you. From what you describe she sounds like a very intelligent, caring, nurturing, thoughtful woman. I don't think she would be putting so much effort into this marriage if she thought you were no good. You have a lot of good! You are an amazing person too! You should try to see that in yourself. Walk with your head high. Yes the first glance happens, but you care enough to work on not lingering. You are giving all of your effort. You should be proud of that.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 06, 2018, 09:06:58 AM
Thanks aquarius,

Your comments made me smile with a deep sense of pride.

she sounds like a very intelligent, caring, nurturing, thoughtful woman.

My wife is that and more. She is so supportive and while I don't push to be intimate, she has initiated love making more in the past months that we have in a long time. It is a delightful turn of events that also makes me smile.  ;)

She was sick before I was and attributed my getting sick from our close proximity in making love. Tried to position ourselves to limit the contact but I got sick anyway. Last night she apologized about making me sick from our intimate encounter. I responded, unequivocally, I would do it again in an instant! It was amazing.

I continue to be stronger with me averting my eyes and I believe the desire to look will fade with time. Even if it doesn't, I will remain diligent.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: newstart on September 07, 2018, 04:05:35 PM
Bob, just a quick post to say thanks!  Thank you for the encouragement you give others.  I see your posts on so many journals on this site and they encourage me too.  Thank you for your positive words.

I'm glad to hear that your relationship with your wife is growing stronger.  Keep up the good work on averting your eyes.  Never easy and I find myself doing it all the time.  Peace to you good sir!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 07, 2018, 08:55:10 PM
New,

I sure appreciate your thoughts and comments. And, I will continue to avert the eyes.  ;)

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 09, 2018, 03:59:31 PM
Well, one can never tell when the diversions occur or what element will spark the misdirect.

Today I was researching the Atomic Energy Commission and the testing of the H bomb at the small island in the south Pacific, the Bikini atoll. Well you can guess where that lead, and it wasn't positive. About 10 min later, I'm deleting the misdirected searches of p-subs and getting up for a walk.

How can that happen so fast? Human physiology and the mind are amazing. I suspect if I were to take a positive approach to wasted 10 min I should be in awe of how fast the mind can operate and process information. Good or bad, it's fast!

Now if only my rational brain could respond as quick.

Not to worry. It will come, but it will take time.

I'm back on the trail, leading to main road.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 09, 2018, 06:11:22 PM
If you read my latest post you will have heard that I took off looking at some p-subs for about 10 minutes. About an hour later I told my wife I was looking up things about the H-bomb and the Bikini atoll and... I went where I didn't want to go.

Her response was of support and understanding that something like that could easily happen. No judgement. No shame. Just understanding. That is a typical for my wife. She is amazing.

The important part is that I felt comfortable to discuss it with her. She knows how much I want to change and that this is extremely difficult for me. My recovery hasn't been a straight line. And, looking at the big picture, I haven't been away from it for very long. Maybe more than some but for all of the years I pmo'ed, my recovery has been a blip in time.

So, again, I state the importance of including your significant other in the process. Whether it is for accountability, support, or understanding, I encourage you to bring them in on the process. The initial confession will not be easy. It doesn't feel good. But honesty is an important part of any relationship and if there is understanding, it can be a big help.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Broadfield78 on September 10, 2018, 01:04:45 AM
Well done Bob for your continued honesty and progress. You are winning.

You may recall we had a conversation around telling significant others about re-booting? I was firmly in the ‘dont tell’ and you in the ‘do tell’

Well, as it happens I found a happy medium which may appeal to others who don’t feel they want to completely come clean (for whatever their own personal reasons). I told my wife that I was taking a break from M. Her reaction to me talking about M was very relaxed, because all women know that men do it, of course they do. It obviously led on to a conversation about why I was taking a break which gave me the opportunity to talk about all the positives of not doing it - focus, confidence, less anxiety, better sleep, better sex etc. My wife seemed interested in the science and the theory and said ‘well, it sounds worth trying doesn’t it’.

And so now we are at the stage where she knows what I am doing and is happy to support me and it also enables me to explain the times when I am grumpy, struggling etc.

It’s a sort of half way house allowing you to share your issue, but without upsetting your partner to the extent they may be if they knew all the finer details.

Anyway, may be useful for some....
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 10, 2018, 05:33:41 AM
 Broad,

That is very cool. That is a wonderful way of working with this dellema and working with one’s wife.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 10, 2018, 07:23:22 AM
About 10 min later, I'm deleting the misdirected searches of p-subs and getting up for a walk.

It took me a few minutes to figure what a p-sub was!  So happy to see your wife supporting you.  Keep up the good work.  This seems like a minor transgression to me.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 10, 2018, 02:20:44 PM
uncreatedlight,

Sorry. It is easy to forget to spell out some of those acronyms. For others p-substitutes are porn-substitutes. Things that may be R rated that can juice up a dopamine dump.

When one has eliminated porn, there is a tendency to look for other images that will fill its place, hence the substitution. This can include everything from YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Dating sites, Tumblr or Reddit. You can probably imaging other places where one finds themselves clicking through image after image. Heck, it could even be swimsuit issues or lingerie catalogs, anything that pumps dopamine to your brain. The sky is the limit. If you are spending too much time there after eliminating p, then you might be working a p-sub.

(Some I listed, I have never visited. General shout out to everyone here, You better not go there either.)  ;)

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 10, 2018, 09:44:50 PM
Good evening folks,

Just started listening to a new book, Emotional Success, The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. By David DeSteno. The first part describes research of will power. The more you try to use will power to change behavior, the less effective results you will obtain. His premise is that emotion is an untapped resource for changing or controlling behavior and that it can be quite effective.

Had no idea what the book was about when I downloaded it from the library. Should be interesting.

Peace brothers and sisters
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 12, 2018, 09:26:40 AM
Just for the heck of it I counted up the days...


If someone would have told me, I wouldn't have believed it. Am I where I want to be? No. I want to be free to the point where I wake up and realize, I didn't think about it yesterday. Will that occur? Maybe not, but I will continue to move forward and learn about all I can do, as a husband, as a male, as a person.

I send good vibes to all that are struggling here, respect to all that have made it to a point in their life where they are confident that they will not return to their previous life, and accept support from both.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: newstart on September 12, 2018, 10:27:36 AM
Bob, congratulations!

Much support and prayers of joy from me on where you are.  I'm glad to see the triple digit number, 143 PMO free!  Incredible accomplishment.  That by itself is the encouragement I needed this morning.  It is possible.  Nicely done.

Here is to 144!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 13, 2018, 06:58:22 AM
That is a fantastic accomplishment.  :)  Gives me hope it can be done.  Folks in the SCA talk about physical, emotional, and spiritual withdrawal.  I think the emotional and spiritual components, along with the capacity for greater growth, come later in the process.

Keep on keepin on.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 15, 2018, 07:06:53 PM
Thanks uncreated, newstart, I appreciate your thoughts.

I continue to move forward. Spend a lot of time thinking about this thing... However, making love to my wife is absolutely amazing. Who would believe that we continue to learn new things about each other; almost on a daily bases.

She is my rock, my friend, my world!

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoFear on September 17, 2018, 09:44:06 AM
Congratulations on your progress, Bob!  I'm finding out that you are absolutely right about including one's spouse in the recovery efforts.  I'm on Day 28 and a big part of it is the frequent talks my wife and I have been having about us, our communication issues, and my recovery, and most of all, being honest with her. That was the hardest part, but when I took the plunge, she was as supportive as I could possibly imagine.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: newstart on September 17, 2018, 01:07:19 PM
Bob - Have an amazing day today!  I was glad to hear how happy you are with your bride.  Amazing stuff.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 19, 2018, 08:02:24 AM
OK folks. A slight change in tone here in the Bob house...

I have found that I am spending way too much time here on RN. It has almost become a situation where the stories of recover have become my new dopamine "fix." So, to combat this I vowed to stay away for a week. Well, I made it two days. I am back. I don't plan to return with the frequency that I previously used. I just had some things come up that were giving me extra problems and posting provides a level of accountability I can't get through other means.

So here is what has happened.

Everyone has instances that occur at work that could be classified as stupid; rules and regulation to follow, difficult bosses or intermediary folks, or workloads that seem insurmountable. I seem to be having all three at the same time. Result? I fall into a depression that I have been battling for years. While I continue to see a therapist, I found myself going to Instagram to "chill out." Search, search again, and search some more and I encountered extremely explicit p-subs. Scrolling, clicking I dropped into a habit which I have worked hard to eliminate.

I work on the internet every day and use Instagram for professional purposes so it makes it extremely difficult to put blocking software on my computer or phone. I'm also not interested in eliminating my Instagram account. However, I have had excellent results in disabling my account. I attempt this last evening and again this morning, And bless Instagram’s heart, I received the following message.

"You can only disable your Instagram account once a week. Wait a few days and try again."


Damn you Instagram/Facebook. Your restrictions on my control of the account really piss me off!

The high I get from the p-sub searches is never enough, never satisfying, and honestly, only pixels on a screen. If I was ever single, I wouldn't act like that around females nor would females act like that around me. They only do it because of their own issues of inadequacy, a need to show off, or because they are getting paid. The pixels may represent woman and their anatomy but are not real. They are electronic images sent over great distances to titillate and to influence a viewer’s need to continue clicking. After all, there may be a better picture/video on the next posting, and the companies are all making money. Realizing I was returning to searching mode, I decided I need to come back and vent with folks that understand. RN is a wonderful accountability partner.

Oh, and for the record, I have no intentions or interest in being single. I only use that as a reality check. P is not real or helpful to anyone. I will continue to fight these desires and break habits I reinforced over the past 45-50 years. They cause a great deal of anguish and pain for me and my wife. I want to eliminate them from my life, working as hard on my new reality.

I still need to stay away from RN so I will go back to my vow. I will finish out my RN for the next 3 days. Sounds crazy RN is a difficult pattern to break too. Any compulsive activity that includes computers or the internet needs to be closely monitored. I do not want to stay away forever. I want to support the contacts I have made through RN and encourage their success with this challenging addictive behavior.  We are all better than this. Breaking free will empower us to be better spouses, lovers, and friends. It will make us better people.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 19, 2018, 03:12:48 PM
Yeah, compulsive interneting can be akin to an alcoholic snooping around bars.  There is something in your unconscious luring you towards a fix.  You could always temporarily apply a blocker or set blocker hours instead of disabling your account.  Most allow for timeboxes on certain sites, such as Blocksite or WasteNoTime.

Good luck with the depression.  I wish I knew how to fix that one for good.  Exercise, mindfulness, and changing are my thoughts are the best I've got for that, but I still seem to lose the battle often.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 22, 2018, 12:45:45 PM
Thanks createdlight,

Had some really rough days. Instagram was finally disabled yesterday. But that didn’t happen until I was slipping big time. Somehow I appease myself saying it isn’t p. Honestly I was kidding myself. Now it is blocked and I might get rid of it completely. Not sure if I will delete it completely but now I know it will stay submerged. Instagram is not going to see the light of day for some time. Maybe never.

I am not going to let this stop my progress. I learned, I corrected, and I continue to move my life forward.

Peace.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on September 23, 2018, 05:45:59 PM
I am sorry to hear that, man.  You have a lot of days beating this thing.  You will continue to win.

I banned myself from Facebook for a couple months.  It was the only thing that kept me from wasting time on it.  I just couldn't use it moderately.  Now I'm able to check for an invitation or an event without mindlessly browsing.

Sounds like work is a trigger right now too.  I hope it slows down soon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 24, 2018, 08:18:23 PM
I'm continuing forward. Not letting it get me down.

Remember, this fight isn't about a certain amount of days, its about the rest of our lives.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 02, 2018, 08:26:00 AM
Hi Folks,

Had a business road trip this past weekend. Passed by places where I have acted out in the past. Might have looked at the billboards but didn't stop. yelled a loud NO! when I passed or thought of previous encounters.

I also visited my first SAA meeting (two actually). Was welcomed with open arms. Not sure if it right for me but at least I gave it a try.

I continue to plug away.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 02, 2018, 09:26:51 AM
How was SAA?  I attended an SAA meeting once maybe 15 or 20 years ago.  I didn't feel very comfortable there.  Everyone seemed tense (Celibacy will do that to you!), and there was a child molester in the group.  I felt uncomfortable around him, but was quiet.  Others were openly hostile to him.  Overall, it just didn't feel like the best place for healing.

I do think about returning to a 12-step group sometimes.  That was years ago in another city, and maybe I just got an odd group.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 02, 2018, 07:38:53 PM
SAA was extremely welcoming. Not sure how SA would be as this group is a bit more conservative; least that is what I understand.

I went on Sunday evening and Monday evening at two different places and everyone was wonderful. If you are looking for a 12 step program, I would encourage you to check it out.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 05, 2018, 07:40:08 AM
Continuing on with a positive mental attitude, I am now thinking of porn addiction and use of porn in the past tense.

I have been here at RN since the summer of 2015 and have had many struggles, and many successes. I know what I need to do. I know it will not be easy. But, I am now committed to continue on with my life without the consumption of pornography. It doesn't lead me in a direction I want to go.

I believe hitting rock bottom played a significant role in my current frame of thinking. I love my wife and I do not want to put her or myself any situation like that again. I have the resources, and while I have no intentions to slip, I can come back and visit if my path out becomes challenging. I am not afraid to do what it takes. RN has giving me the gift hope. It gave me a place to voice my thoughts and concerns relating to this compulsion. That was a lifesaver.

I also realize that my problems aren't only the use of porn but my actions outside of my home. When I travel, I frequently come in contact with places and areas that I have acted out in the past. I once felt totally embarrassed and ashamed of those incidents and while I am still not proud of my actions, I understanding of my addicted brain. I know acting out was an attempt to medicate myself for feelings of insecurity and self-loathing. Porn and acting out gave me a rush and temporary reprieve from those feelings but the meditative affects lasted only until orgasm. Immediately after climax, I felt worse. I then pile shame on top of the other insecurities. I learned of the cycle of this addiction and this understanding has given me hope. It has given me a path out.

I also have the ability and familiarity in the option when I am on the road. I can local 12 step programs when I am tempted and find myself on the road. I have additional resources provided by many the friends I have gained here on RN. Those resources give me confidence and strength. These include, but are not limited to:

I was on a nofap regiment but I have set this aside. I know mo can be a problem but I also know the cues and the potential direction this habit may take. It becomes a problem if, it occurs every day, multiple times a day, or if I include sexualized imagery and fantasy to this action. At the present, that hasn’t happened. The thrill seems to be reduced when porn isn’t involved. And making love to my wife is AMAZING! Why would I want to jeopardize this with constant masturbation?

So, I will stop by on a regular basis and hopefully show that success is possible. Show that success is personal to each and every individual. Show that there is a way out.

Thanks to all here at RN that made this possible. Those who are here and those who have moved on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 08, 2018, 10:29:28 AM
Bob, thank you for the advice and support you have given.  I appreciate you sticking around even after you were over the hump.  It gave me hope.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 10, 2018, 06:51:19 AM
Thank you uncreatedlight.

You will never know how much your thoughts and comments have given me strength when I have questioned my own actions and my statements about life. We are all in different stages and those paths aren't linear. Sometimes they bounce all over the place.

Keep up the good work and continue moving forward, even thought some steps take one backwards. It is the overall picture that is important.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on October 10, 2018, 02:33:30 PM
you have such a great mindset and perspective!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 10, 2018, 03:47:21 PM
Thank you.  :)  You have given a lot to us and taught us not only about sobriety but also how to love someone else, especially if you have hurt them.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 15, 2018, 09:26:33 AM
Morning folks,

I relaxed my previous commitment to eliminate masturbation with the idea I would return to my "fast" if I did it more than every once in a while. If it became frequent, if it escalated, if it happened more than once a day, or if it included fantasy or any additional accouterments, I needed to stop. That has happened and I have progressed to viewing p-subs to content that would be defined as porn without actually visiting defined porn sites. Kind of a stupid distinction I know.

Have to remember this is a process, that shame and self-loathing doesn't assist in the elimination of this compulsion/addiction.

I have to draw the line.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 16, 2018, 11:56:50 AM
Don't feel ashamed at all.  We are all here getting better one day at a time.  The addiction feeds off that shame.  I'm glad to have someone else in the 90-day nofap club!  Going without orgasm as a guy who could have happily had sex multiple times a day has been kind of mind-blowing, but at 80 days, I now know it's possible.

For us every day of recovery is a gift.  We have to be consistent.  You can do this!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 18, 2018, 07:16:59 AM
Oh, to understand the edge of the slope, the point in which one starts down would be such an accomplishment.

As if I don't really know where it is. I have written about the many innocuous acts that begin the process. It's never much. Just a peak. A sense of desire to view a glimpse of bare flesh, the top curve of a breast, the round cheek of a butt. It all takes me in the wrong directions. And to say the understanding of the edge would be an accomplishment should be restated.

Success would be the act of pulling back from the edge. Breaking the cycle. Giving freedom to my mind.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Inner_Light on October 19, 2018, 06:37:40 AM
Hi, Bob.  I think how far is too far is an important question and a personal judgment. I happen to be wired with very high libido, which I've decided to accept as an unchangeable aspect of myself, so I'm not giving up MO as a part of my reboot.  But that brings the danger of going too far down the slope in some of these MO sessions.  Before I MO, I ask myself three questions:

1. As this urge arises, am I in an aware state of mind in which I am curious about urges and noticing how it feels, rather than just being automatically overwhelmed and succumbing to it? 
2. Is what is stimulating me an image that was produced with the intent to be sexually stimulating (this would include explicit porn as well as any p-subs since I assume their creators were conscious of their sexiness).  If so, I avoid it since I absolutely don't want my brain associating that stuff with the reward of an O.  Plus, I just don't like the idea of being manipulated by others.
3. If the source of stimulation is either in my imagination or the perception of a real person whom I find attractive and who is not my spouse, would it be better to postpone this MO and redirect my sexual energy to my spouse?  Most of the times the answer is yes.  Not wanking for several days or more can sure add some zest to a session with my wife and is worth the wait.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NoFear on October 20, 2018, 01:31:17 PM
Hi Bob,
I understand what you're going through with p-subs, etc.  I've come to the realization that flirting with danger on any level for me is a conscious step into a slip. I simply cannot take a peek at images of any kind that can be enticing without eventually developing it into a full blown session of porn viewing and MO. Seeing a live person does not have that effect on me at all, and I actually don't find myself looking at live women the way I would look at porn. Go figure. Anyway, my bottom line now has to include even searching for enticing images, as well as pornographic ones.

I've had to resort to a number of techniques to try to build a new relationship with my computer.  As of right now, I am no longer using the computer at all when I am alone at home.  I go to a library or coffee shop.  I also keep a notebook with the computer, and write out a list of items I need to do on the computer.  If it's not on the list, I either don't do it, or I add it.  In any case, I am trying to eliminate mindless surfing for the sake of surfing. It definitely helps me a lot (when I remember to do it.)  Anyway, just throwing it out there.  Thanks to everyone for their shares.  Tom
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 21, 2018, 08:06:29 AM
The edge of the slope is emotional.  Anxiety, depression, disconnection from others, aversion to and evasion of pain.  It is very difficult to stop sensations from producing feelings.  They just naturally do that.  Women look good.  Sweetness tastes good.  The next step is following those feelings for emotional comfort.

That is where you have freedom.  That is the edge.  It just takes practice pulling yourself back to the present and away from following the feeling-- time after time after time.  I think you are doing pretty darn well all things considered!  We just have to stick with the practice.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 21, 2018, 09:21:58 PM
Thanks all.

I haven't given up or given in. I am moving forward, even though the movement forward can be difficult. The alternative is not worth it.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 22, 2018, 09:19:09 PM
Checking in again. It helps because it provides accountability.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 23, 2018, 03:27:49 PM
Thanks all.

I haven't given up or given in. I am moving forward, even though the movement forward can be difficult. The alternative is not worth it.

Peace

No, it's not.  The lives we led were empty and hurt others.  Don't look back!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 25, 2018, 08:42:35 AM
I just logged on and came across images from my last search...

I have to acknowledge I am but a man. I understand that there is no success in falling, then getting up. The reward of success must be gained in noticing the edge and stepping back. Looking into the hole and realizing I don't want to follow my thoughts down and away. I can acknowledge my brain is screaming but I don't have to listen. I can make a change in my life.

One hour, one day, one week, they all define success.

It is difficult though.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 26, 2018, 06:47:53 AM
Trying to visit here instead of visiting p-subs. I need to realize my brain that is screaming for the "reward" of an exposed breast...

I started this thread 10 min ago. Guess I was successful.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 26, 2018, 07:43:52 PM
Woohoo!  One day at a time.  Relax and be here now.  You are winning.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 26, 2018, 10:17:33 PM
Your response made me smile. With the help of this place and the folks that are here, I believe I can make it.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 26, 2018, 10:37:17 PM
Its funny. I thought I would be "fixed" by now.

I wanted to be fixed. I wanted this behind me. To be free of the pull of exposed flesh and images on line. I know what needs to be done and I think; if i can have one more look. I had a terrible day, I deserve to look, to feel better, at least for a while. Or I did something that was positive. I worked really hard today and I deserve a chance to wind down and self medicate. And, one more look isn't going to hurt.

Who am I kidding.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 27, 2018, 10:17:41 AM
Went to counseling yesterday. Talked about issues in my past which I had recently thought about. Things that happened to me when I was a little boy. At the time, I never thought it was abuse, only natural encounters where kids explore their sexuality. However, the individual that did these things was 4 years older than me. I now realize that with 4 years difference, they should have known better.

I can only feel the encounter was a part of who I am. How I see myself as a sexual being. Reality, it had to shape who I am. Does it have lasting impact on my life? I don't believe it does. I have come to terms with it. I have tried to release it and move in a direction. A direction that is healthy, and allows me to love myself. I want must release the feelings of brokenness.

It happened so long ago.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 28, 2018, 10:24:30 AM
I wonder how much depression plays into this struggle. At times it seems insurmountable.



Taking accountability to another level with the spreadsheet provided below.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: lyon03 on October 28, 2018, 11:17:43 AM
Thanks for sharing Bob! Just came back for a quick post and was happy to see you're still fighting. Be well my friend. Love Lyon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 28, 2018, 12:59:52 PM
I was abused as a kid by older kids in separate incidents and by an adult.  Humans are resilient.  I don't feel deep trauma upon remembering these incidents, at least not consciously.  I even attended several EMDR sessions to somehow try to rid myself of their specter, but I don't think that it works.

There is no way you can have escaped without damage.  You will view yourself as a piece of shit as a consequence, and for me, it set up an unconscious belief that relationships are divided by the exploiter and the exploited.  Both these beliefs are untrue and very difficult to correct.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 28, 2018, 09:17:41 PM
Thanks Light! I always appreciate your thoughts and comments..

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 29, 2018, 10:09:23 AM
OK, here I go...

I am committed to make it 24 hours without masturbating. Seems stupid as I have gone up to 70 days previously but now I just want to make it through one day. The other crazy part is that i have a pit in my stomach that runs from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I really want to get past this thing and I am having difficulty with any purchase.

When I was at my 70 days I thought I would "try" it again. After all, masturbation isn't really that big of thing is it? And I will know if it becomes too much for me to handle. So what if I beat off when I am a bit stressed. What's the big deal. If it goes too far, I will go back to abstinence. So here are my signs of warning.


Well, guess what. I hit all three. The trifecta.

Now I am searching for p-subs, looking a bit too long at women, and the worse part; feeling controlled by a behavior that brings me shame. I don't know if all of these negatives started with a simple act of masturbation but I did draw a line in the sand. And I crossed it.

Now I have to make a decision. So, I am back to living without the big M. I need to keep my hands off myself. Don't touch, Accept the feelings and the thoughts and let them pass. I know I will not die. I am still alive so that has to be proof. Right? I just have to get some time under my belt. Not commit for 90 days or the rest of my life. Just for 24 hours. And, after 24 hours, I will see.

Who knows, I might be able to go another 24. And another.

I do know that if I masturbate, I don't pay enough attention to my wife. And, I know that making love to her is so much better than trying to pleasure myself. It just doesn't compare and I do love her so very much.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 30, 2018, 06:47:37 AM
Not a big deal but my 24 hours have passed and I am now onto day two.

MO isn't a big deal, frequency and fantasy while masturbation is a big deal. At least for me it's a big deal. So I am staying away for a while.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 31, 2018, 05:28:50 AM
Starting day three. I’m on a roll.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 31, 2018, 08:42:49 PM
Congrats on day 3.  It's a wild ride, but it can be done!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 03, 2018, 11:58:56 PM
Man this is a frustrating. Sometimes it is just so difficult to process.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Inner_Light on November 04, 2018, 02:25:22 PM
Hi, Bob.  Sounds like you are in the middle of a hurricane of urges and emotions.  Try to find the still eye of that hurricane by noticing how these feelings show up in your body. Imagine the negative sides of indulging, and the suffering it ultimately brings, to counteract the enticement of the memory of those endorphins.  I hope this is helpful.  Keep plugging away, one day at a time.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 06, 2018, 03:20:04 PM
I was six months from pmo and I fell.

I feel ashamed, lonely, frustrated and depressed... I want to hide.


This truly is an addiction of isolation and shame...

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 67reboot on November 07, 2018, 12:04:20 PM
Don't beat yourself up too much Bob, once in 6 months is better than every day ... and even if you have a relapse ever few months for a while your brain is still being rewired and hopefully the time between relapses will increase.

Its only a fail when you fail to keep trying my friend!

Today is another day to try and be clean, one day at a time .. you know the drill

All the best mate, 67
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on November 07, 2018, 02:20:47 PM
Every day that you are counting is a good day.  It is a day that you are living consciously instead of bumbling through on automatic.  This is just like meditation.  You get distracted, then you redirect your attention back to the breath.

You will beat this.  Think about how far you have come so far.  Just keep going.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Inner_Light on November 09, 2018, 06:30:03 AM
Bob, you're still moving forward.  Two forward, one back equals one forward.  In your case it's 60 or more forward and maybe one back!  You're getting there.

I have found that beating myself up is actually a part of the cycle that reinforces the habit.  The larger habit is being addicted to stimulation, and the listening to the critical voices inside my head can be as addicting as watching porn because I can feel, compulsively, that I have to listen to them.  I learning instead to step outside this cycle, into a place of peace.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 13, 2018, 06:49:31 AM
I’m back.

Find that I am by myself. Wife left for work. This is usually the kiss of death but I am working hard to get out of the house without incident. Know I can do it but want to stay vigilant.

My goal is to egnore the shame, embrace the “game”, and move forward with the goal of success. I’ve said in the past, you don’t quit, you continue to win.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on November 13, 2018, 04:40:11 PM
That's right.  Never, never, never give up.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 13, 2018, 10:52:47 PM
Looking back I continue to process my slip into relapse? Where did I go wrong.

Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was the slide of p-subs. Maybe it was thinking that after 75+ days, I deserved to feel OK and masturbate. Not positive but I bet it is a little of all three. All I know at this point is that I am currently at day one with no plan to count days.

This addiction is all about isolation and shame. When I feel shame, I self medicate. And nothing is stronger than a dopamine cocktail that can be slowly sipped for hours on end. The only problem? As soon as you are done, the big o isn't that big, you feel more shame and more pain.

I really want to break this cycle. I want to be done.

One thing is certain. This thing is not easy.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 14, 2018, 07:49:54 AM
Up and out for another day. Keeping my thoughts of change ever present in my mind.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 16, 2018, 08:59:47 AM
Will be traveling to visit a friend who has confessed to a similar challenge with porn. Hope to open up to him and just listen too.

Please think about me as being on the road is always a challenge. I pass by many places that I have visited in the past. I need to make sure I continue on past during this trip. Nothing productive happens when I stop. If fact, I move find myself regressing. Can't do that anymore.

Both my wife and I have a great deal of stress in our lives with current work situations. We got angry with each other yesterday and out of the blue she asked; Are you having an affair? It blew me out of the water. I had no idea that she was feeling so isolated and distant from me. I believe that some of it relates to a recent relapse. I was stunned.

Honestly, my relationship with porn and past visits to adult bookstores is a type an affair in its own right.

This thing has fucked up my life so.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on November 16, 2018, 09:49:28 AM
BOB

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!  KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 18, 2018, 03:14:56 PM
Thank you Gracie.

I know you always have my best interest at heart. Even when I don’t want to hear it myself.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 18, 2018, 03:56:24 PM
Went to see my friend who is dealing with this same thing. Made the 7 hour trip passing multiple places that have challenged me in the past. Either I yelled out strong NO! Or I just drove on by.

When I got to the point where we were able to talk, I found i was the one that opened up. It was still good for me. I at least talked about Reboot Nation, the book, You Brain on Porn, and explained my point of view. I don't think he personally thought it was that big of a problem.

I continue to work on opening up to others, either porn related or not. Isolation and shame are my biggest challenges.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 19, 2018, 09:25:28 AM
Currently reading Brene’ Brown’s book; Dare to Lead.

Here is a quote that I feel describes my frustrations with pmo and mo. I have taken some liberties with the text.

We get stuck and defined by setbacks, disappointments, and failures, so instead of spending resources on cleaning up to assure progress, we focus on the past.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 19, 2018, 09:09:34 PM
Checking in when I can to make sure I move in the right direction. I continue to mull over in my mind, the things that guided me into this situation. I know that it had become a type of medication, a way to take away the pain.

What if i was actually able to embrace the pain. Take it in and own it. Mull over those thoughts and feelings. Maybe I would see that the hurt I think I would feel, wouldn't be so painful after all.

Good night all. I hope your tomorrow takes you in a positive direction. One where you are in control.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on November 21, 2018, 11:09:10 AM
Mulling feeds the pain.  Don't feed it.  Just watch it.  It will dissipate on its own.  This is a very difficult for me.  I'm a ruminant.  But it works.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 23, 2018, 03:55:34 PM
Thoughts and feelings that take me away are present. At the same time I am aware that these emotions don't control me. There is a reason I am staying away. It is the importance of staying present. Not allowing myself to be pulled into isolation.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on November 23, 2018, 05:14:47 PM
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  This is a good time of year to connect with others and avoid too much computer time.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 26, 2018, 11:07:15 PM
 Was scary depressed over the weekend. Scary because I know what I have used to medicate myself. Trying to figure out why this happened.

I think mostly stress.

Moving forward.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on November 28, 2018, 09:02:07 PM
Argggh.  :( FWIW, 800 mg of SAM-e daily has done wonders for me.  It's expensive, but beats the pervasive suicidal ideation I was commonly having.

I think you are awesome, and I am glad you are here.  You make a difference for us.  I hope that you are feeling better.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 30, 2018, 07:55:36 AM
After a recent relapse, I received a PM from a supportive female friend here on RN. She stated the following:

"This recent relapse has me puzzled... [just] Quit looking.  Quit looking  Quit looking."

As simple as that sounds, for me, that is the key. I vow to resist the thoughts that encourage me to look. Whether it is the provocatively dressed female that I pass in the hall or around campus, (I work at a university), the allure of exposed breasts ever present in internet click bait, or the quick glance at department store brasserie advertisements.

Then I hear myself ask, "but, can't I just look a little?"

This I will not do!

I will not be drawn to look. But neither will I dwell on the act of resistance. No longer will I accept the power these images have, begging me to white knuckle through the urges. I vow to acknowledge the thoughts, allow them to pass, and center my energy on a change.

It is a new life. A new beginning.

So, I officially thank everyone for allowing me to be a part of this process. Though the years people have come and gone, I appreciate the support and connection I have made here on RN. Without this resource, I would not be where I am today. I haven't totally embraced my new life to the point where the "diversion" is automatic. But have come a long way. Through this process I have grown. I am a person who can see a life without porn, without constant masturbation, without the 24/7 emphasis of self gratification.

To anyone who thinks they can't do it, you are mistaken. While i use to "breath" this stuff, I now I find myself choking, before the breath take hold.

You can do this. I encourage you to have faith in yourself.

No longer will you accept the power these images have, begging you to white knuckle through the urges. You need acknowledge the thoughts, and vow to allow them to pass. You can center you energy on a change. It is a new life. A new beginning.

...rambling again. Sorry. Its just hard to process all of this.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 01, 2018, 02:32:58 PM
Masturbated yesterday soon after my last post. I make this statement to confess to others that what I think in my head and write in my journal doesn't always work the way I want it to work. I am a work in progress.  :)

I also want to comment on counting days. I have done it. I liked doing it. I am sorry that the counter that was available (which counted automatically) isn't still available. But, now, I have a different belief. It has more to do with me personally and not about others keeping track. I still like to know where I am in the process. But, when I would lapse I need to understand that all is not lost. I am not starting. A good part of this process is the shame and sense of failure that occurs when one finds that they fall back into the cycle. I never liked that feeling. I would feel so depressed, and ashamed that I thought i had failed in life. That life almost wasn't worth it anymore. My counter would reset back to zero as if all progress had been lost.

But what about the success I had made? Sure I made a mistake but that didn't mean I couldn't learn from that mistake and move forward. When I compared my progress and what things were like before I started this journey on RN, I had to realize there has been a change in me. The difference is dramatic! I have had a great deal of success with changing my life and moving away from porn and its problems. That is why I keep track of my progress with a spreadsheet. I track when I screw up, whether I mo or pmo'ed that particular day. But I don't "reset the clock."

It allows me to know how many days clean without officially counting each day. It shows how much I have pmo, mo'ed during the last month but it allows me to continue forward. Learn from my mistakes and keep going. After all, my real goal is forever. 

I am providing this link to create your own. Might be able to do it from my version listed on the bottom of my journal but if not, here it is.

https://docs.zoho.com/sheet/published.do?rid=29rl68bd407fa34bf4d58bdadd042b1ba28f6 (https://docs.zoho.com/sheet/published.do?rid=29rl68bd407fa34bf4d58bdadd042b1ba28f6)

I am open to any thoughts or ideas others may have on the subject. It is the support of others that we are able to move forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 01, 2018, 09:41:00 PM
Bob I think you have the right idea. I see no problem with counting or tracking days. I know the whole 90 day number is arbitrary and recovery is different for all of us, but I see tracking progress such as your spreadsheet as a positive thing. I would gather most of us MO'd every day or even multiple times for literally years and decades before we started trying to recover. I am nowhere near where I was before even though I do get frustrated and look back, what if I just stayed cleaner a year ago where would I be? All we have is today, and the power to make it through.

I do feel for you working at a university. That would be rough for me and near impossible to not look. My weakness is fantasy and somewhere in the last 5  years I completely stopped even looking at women as even potential mates or dates. They were just fantasy fodder for later. I am just now reversing that.

No shame in a misstep, Bob. From what I see you are doing great.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 01, 2018, 10:43:43 PM
New,

Thank you for your kind words.

I should be careful about not talking about days. I frequently figure out how many days it's been. I am always proud that I have gone as long as I have. More that once I have said to myself, "I went 65 days without pmo or mo." I find that amazing. Never, ever thought I could do something like that.

But I have to keep my eye on the goal and that goal is forever.

BTW, I like your dog out the window. We currently have a dog that is not doing well. When I first brought her home, I thought she would be my dog. I quickly learned that she attached herself to my wife.

She had a seizure for about 3-4 minutes today. My wife is beside herself with worry. I hope for the best.

Sometime life just sucks.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 02, 2018, 04:46:28 AM

BTW, I like your dog out the window. We currently have a dog that is not doing well. When I first brought her home, I thought she would be my dog. I quickly learned that she attached herself to my wife.

She had a seizure for about 3-4 minutes today. My wife is beside herself with worry. I hope for the best.

Sometime life just sucks.

Actually thank you for reminding me about the dog picture because I just remembered its origin. It was from set of pictures I found online of adopted shelter dogs who were on their way to their new homes. I remember choosing it because the freedom and happiness they were feeling, I had kind of aligned with my goals in being free of this addiction.

here it is https://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/ecstatic-shelter-dogs-on-their-way-home-for-the-first-tim

I love dogs and I'm sorry to hear yours is going through that. I have a friend whose dog has occasional seizures, it's gone on for years. There's medicine she gives her but I'm not sure what it is. I had a dog once who in his older years had seizures. The first time it happened it scared the hell on me. After that it wasn't as scary as it was upsetting and stressful. I hope the best for yours (your wife's).
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 02, 2018, 08:02:59 AM
Thank you.

Your response warmed my heart.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Boris on December 02, 2018, 05:15:36 PM
Thanks for sharing your experience so honestly, Bob.  Your journal has been very encouraging for me. I started fighting this addiction about six or seven years ago and thought I had kicked it. However it just doesn’t work that way. So as time went on I found I would cheat a little here and there, not thinking it was a big deal.  I came to realize it was a big deal, and that I needed help and support of another community.
Your journey is an inspiration  for me, and your insights on counting the days of being clean has given me new insight on the process. As the period  of time between relapses increases we can view that as success. Instead of thinking that we are failing and starting all over again we can get back on track and tried to beat our last record.
We are all imperfect. And this may be, and probably is, and will most likely be a lifelong struggle for each of us. I take comfort in knowing that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows my weaknesses, my insecurities, my frustrations, and most importantly my heart condition. Maybe I won’t figure out why this is such a struggle for me, but I know that if I continue to keep up the fight I’m better off for it. Keeping you in my prayers for strength.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 03, 2018, 07:51:28 AM
Thank you Boris,

I appreciate you thoughts. I get a lot from response and support of others like you. Together we can beat this thing.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 03, 2018, 08:01:23 AM
Friday I came home struggling to reach out of a depressive black hole with sides slick as butter. The depression  provided no hand holds or grips of purchase. I later discovered some of the events that brought me down were not real. Somehow, it didn't matter. I was still heading down.

Depression continues to be my biggest struggle. Porn and masturbation are the drugs I take to ease my pain. The relief of those drugs is short lived. Actually, the secrecy and shame of pmo/mo feed my depression. They encourage me, providing a reason to remain in this depressive state. So what can I do to release the hold of depression? I know the drill; exercise, eat right, meditate, and make sure I spend time with people.

Do I follow my own advice or the advice of others? Sometimes. Sometimes not.

I continue to work towards relief and am honored to have the resource of this website. Reboot Nation gives me a voice to say what I am thinking and to help understand who I am. For that I thank you Gabe and Gary for YBOP, and all others who make this possible. I know their are many more, even the individuals who post.

I guess I just needed to rant.

 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on December 03, 2018, 02:48:48 PM
Rants are good and it's good you have a safe space to do it. I am glad to hear you are still keeping your focus. Hang in there, there are lots of people here who believe in you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 03, 2018, 03:04:56 PM
Thank you.

It feels good to be back on track to a new future, even if I need to continue to work on depression. It's really scary at times. Seems like I can be so low, I can't make it back. It is at times like this that I need to realize my reason for being here.

That gives me hope.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 03, 2018, 04:08:59 PM

Depression continues to be my biggest struggle. Porn and masturbation are the drugs I take to ease my pain. The relief of those drugs is short lived. Actually, the secrecy and shame of pmo/mo feed my depression. They encourage me, providing a reason to remain in this depressive state. So what can I do to release the hold of depression? I know the drill; exercise, eat right, meditate, and make sure I spend time with people.


This is so true. In rough times so many of us use PMO just to feel something else even if it is short lived. Once we are done (that defeated feeling when you are "cleaning up")  it nearly always leads to in increase in the crap feeling we were running from. That in turn leads you down the hole again trying to medicate it. We continue to do things we know will only make us feel worse. Many of us look at giving up PMO as a sacrifice instead of looking at it the other way. Sacrificing a better life for unnatural spikes of dopamine that always make you feel worse.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 04, 2018, 06:43:21 AM
Recently feel I have the ability to identify when this behavior is happening to others. I could be wrong, but...

I have a relative who is married, two kids, and was with us over the past holiday. We were all sitting around when he (seemingly) jumped up to state that he was heading home. The reason somewhat believable. Heck, it matched any I would have used in the past. He just had to leave and his family, who have experiencing him doing this in the past, saw nothing out of the ordinary. We were all sitting, as a family laughing and enjoying ourselves. This individual wanted to go off by himself. His reason sounded legitimate but didn't really jive with what was going on around us. I told my wife he was suspect because that was something I would have pulled.

Pathetic This "fascination" takes us away from family. Then we sit by ourselves, attempting to simulate sex, or act out in ways that we would never want anyone (especially our family) too know.

Like I said, pathetic.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 05, 2018, 08:01:35 PM
Like I said, pathetic.

I am not immuned to being this individual. I am one step away. That is why I visit RN and write down these thoughts. That is why I resist taking the first step.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on December 05, 2018, 08:17:46 PM
Thank you.

It feels good to be back on track to a new future, even if I need to continue to work on depression. It's really scary at times. Seems like I can be so low, I can't make it back.

That tunnel vision is so convincing.  Relentlessly consume messages of hope until they start to take root.  It's going to lift one day...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 30yearsgone on December 05, 2018, 08:26:36 PM
Thanks for the story and your journey.  New to the site.  Hoping this forum and YBOP can help me find a better existence. 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 06, 2018, 06:41:50 AM
I have begun visualizing my life without pmo.

In all honesty, I see this as something I can do. I can stay away from pmo.  It doesn't have the pull that it once had. Not that i don't fantasize about images I have viewed. They just aren't there all the time. However, I haven't conquered the p-subs. P-subs are the patches of black ice, the top step on the ladder. Those things that put us in a position to loose our footing. They are a chance to slip.

I hear myself saying, "I can go there if I am careful. If I know I will slip, I will grab on, I will steady myself. After all, its just click bait, just a look at a page, a women passing by."

How many times i have changed directions for another look? How many times have I placed myself in a position to see a bit more flesh?

These are the slips that move me closer to pmo. There are my concerns with my life without pmo. These are the things that take me "back," move me in a negative directions.

Well, yesterday I kept on walking. I didn't turn around. I didn't look back. I just moved on.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 06, 2018, 05:45:09 PM

How many times i have changed directions for another look? How many times have I placed myself in a position to see a bit more flesh?


I am all too familiar with this.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 07, 2018, 09:10:19 AM
I want to shout out to all the folks that are not particularly religious or may not feel openly welcome here on RN.

Sometimes we don't make these proclamations but that doesn't mean we aren't here; for all people or faiths; Agnosticism, Atheism, Baha'i, Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Secularism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism. The same to sexual orientation; straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender people.

Please forgive me if I missed anyone.

We are here for you. We are here for everyone.

Peace to all.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 08, 2018, 12:42:10 PM
Click bait, you loose. I don't click on you so you have not pull on me.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Rex on December 08, 2018, 02:02:36 PM
Click bait, you loose. I don't click on you so you have not pull on me.

Bob,

Well said, the click bait that shows up on mainstream web sites can so easily lead down the path.  Great work for seeing this type of click bait as no good.  I was reading a news article on a news site yesterday that had some click bait like that, I just went about my business and didn't give it a moment of thought.  I also remembered yesterday that I had an old Sport magazine swimsuit issue that was in mint condition, I went down to my basement and grabbed it and threw it in my fireplace where it provided some nice kindling for my the fireplace fire.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 08, 2018, 10:46:44 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 09, 2018, 12:15:25 PM
Change in plans. I am going to take care of myself first.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Boris on December 09, 2018, 02:35:15 PM
Good plan. We often don’t feel worthy of the care we should be giving ourselves. It is essential to our recovery. 

I’m sorry you suffer from depression, Bob. You’re not alone. I’ve dealt with it since childhood and have tried a number of different approaches. Proper diet, rest, and exercise all help, as well as reducing stress in ones life. In my case I also needed medication. I resisted it at first, however it makes all the difference in leading a normal life and leading a facsimile of one. I don’t view it as a crutch. I view it as self-care and preservation.  It may also help put your mind In a place to better battle PMO.  It might be something worth discussing with your doctor.  We’re here for you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: 30yearsgone on December 09, 2018, 06:27:10 PM
Agree.  Click bait can be a big trigger.  Move away from it quickly.

And yes, medication can be very helpful for depression if other life modifications have not helped. 

Thanks to RN and you guys.  Has been very helpful for me.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 10, 2018, 07:12:41 AM
Hi guys,

Thank you Boris and 30years. I appreciate your thoughts and comments regarding depression. I agree with you too. I am currently taking antidepressants and have for some time. I would encourage anyone that experiences depression to talk with their doctor and discuss the possibility of finding a medication that would work. I would also stress the need to continue to touch base with your doctor to make sure you are getting the correct dose and that the medication is working. This isn't a one size fits all. You have to work with your doctor to determine what is right for you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on December 10, 2018, 08:24:39 PM
I want to shout out to all the folks that are not particularly religious or may not feel openly welcome here on RN.

Sometimes we don't make these proclamations but that doesn't mean we aren't here; for all people or faiths; Agnosticism, Atheism, Baha'i, Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Secularism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism. The same to sexual orientation; straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender people.

Please forgive me if I missed anyone.

We are here for you. We are here for everyone.

Peace to all.

Yes!  This is a place of healing for everyone.  Well said.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 11, 2018, 10:18:38 PM
Saw posted on internet. All I can say is wow!

"Tumblr decides to ban adult content on its platform as of December 17"
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Rex on December 12, 2018, 05:04:48 PM
Saw posted on internet. All I can say is wow!

"Tumblr decides to ban adult content on its platform as of December 17"

Tumblr was a previous source for many of my lost days and nights into PMO.  Not very good memories...  Glad to hear they are cleaning it up...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 12, 2018, 08:41:31 PM
When I found it, the site turned into a deep pit that sucked me in and didn't let me go. Amazing that they are making that change. Good for them.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 13, 2018, 07:42:29 AM
Final exams means no reason I can’t go/stay home and try to fight the pull. I forgot my phone so I  home alone right now. Not staying. Not worth it. Moving forward away from this crap.

Recently, i have been spending time trying to understand the deeper pain that causes the need to medicate myself. Pmo and constant mo is not the problem. It is the result of some other area in my life. The closer I get the more confused I get. This is still what I should be work on. It’s what will eventually set me free.

But, getting back to the present, I am getting out of the house. Nothing gained from staying put.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 13, 2018, 04:31:34 PM
What does life look like? How do we define a life where porn/acting out/objectifying/fantasizing doesn't occur?

Currently, we vow to quit. We stop our behavior. We stay away from problem websites and clickbait. We resist the temptation, the pull of our amygdala. But, if we are honest, we continue
the pull. Its a struggle that we work with every day.

Now comes real life. We wake up and we think about our day, not porn. We travel around the country, excited to learn of new places, not of what sexual act happened here or there. We use the computer and find it surprising when clickbait appears. We have no interest in exploring. We make decisions on who and what we are. We live life as a a spouse or significant other, as a friends, as a person. And we chuckle to ourselves when we realize that it has been months, even years since we had to deal with constant thoughts of sex and porn addiction.

We just live.

I wrote this and I thought to myself. How long has it been? Well, I checked.

It was longer than I thought.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 14, 2018, 02:56:51 PM
What does life look like? How do we define a life where porn/acting out/objectifying/fantasizing doesn't occur?

Currently, we vow to quit. We stop our behavior. We stay away from problem websites and clickbait. We resist the temptation, the pull of our amygdala. But, if we are honest, we continue
the pull. Its a struggle that we work with every day.

Now comes real life. We wake up and we think about our day, not porn. We travel around the country, excited to learn of new places, not of what sexual act happened here or there. We use the computer and find it surprising when clickbait appears. We have no interest in exploring. We make decisions on who and what we are. We live life as a a spouse or significant other, as a friends, as a person. And we chuckle to ourselves when we realize that it has been months, even years since we had to deal with constant thoughts of sex and porn addiction.

We just live.

I wrote this and I thought to myself. How long has it been? Well, I checked.

It was longer than I thought.


this is great
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 14, 2018, 04:23:07 PM
Thank you.

I am trying to figure out this whole thing. I will go for days, even weeks without any pulls or tugs towards pmo. But then something hits me. It is really strange the affect this addiction has over oneself.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 19, 2018, 10:04:20 PM
Just a note to hold me accountable.

I am letting my mind and eyes wonder and its going no where fast. I am going to stop but I wanted to make sure others were aware of this.

Will be back in a few days with reports of success!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Detente on December 22, 2018, 02:07:53 PM
How are you doing, Bob?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 22, 2018, 10:28:34 PM
Oh, I'm struggling a bit.

Somehow I need to move to another level with this thing. I seem to be stuck in a rut and don't know exactly how to move forward. My work and my wife's work is very stressful so that isn't helping. But, I can't let that stand in the way of my recovery. It's just not worth it. I want to grow stronger in my relationship with my wife. I am working at it  but it is a slow process.

I know this is crazy talk but I want to be cured. Crazy because I believe this will be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe what I want is to have thinks happen around me and realize that I am confident I will not react.

Thanks for asking.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Detente on December 22, 2018, 11:44:22 PM
That doesn't sound like crazy talk, and you've got a lot of resolve. Keep fighting!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: NewVerse on December 23, 2018, 04:35:44 PM
Oh, I'm struggling a bit.

Somehow I need to move to another level with this thing. I seem to be stuck in a rut and don't know exactly how to move forward. My work and my wife's work is very stressful so that isn't helping. But, I can't let that stand in the way of my recovery. It's just not worth it. I want to grow stronger in my relationship with my wife. I am working at it  but it is a slow process.

I know this is crazy talk but I want to be cured. Crazy because I believe this will be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe what I want is to have thinks happen around me and realize that I am confident I will not react.

Thanks for asking.

Agreed with Detente. Not crazy at all. I'm on my longest streak ever and I feel like my momentum has halted. In part due to stress and things I can not control. Watching other people's relationships and lives move forward makes me anxious and at times wanting to give up. I know  that's not the answer so I will keep pushing ahead. You should as well.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: uncreatedlight on December 24, 2018, 12:35:39 PM
Oh, I'm struggling a bit.

Somehow I need to move to another level with this thing. I seem to be stuck in a rut and don't know exactly how to move forward.

Crazy because I believe this will be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe what I want is to have thinks happen around me and realize that I am confident I will not react.

You are growing even if you can't see it.  And perhaps the conditions of the disease will not change, but you will change.  The longing, the disease, may always be there, but you will learn to watch and resist it from beyond entanglement with the urge.

An interlocutor in one of Plato's Dialogues defines courage thus, "Well now, it seems to me that courage is a sort of endurance in one’s character – if I have to say what it is in every case."  And so it is.  This is the battle.  This is your bravery.  You have endured here for so long.  That in itself is victory.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on January 19, 2019, 04:57:10 PM
Hope you are doing well!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on January 21, 2019, 11:49:07 PM
Hi Bob, were back at it. Let's do it right this time. I'm tired of starting all over. This gs are so good when we are off the porn. Let's keep it that way .
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 22, 2019, 07:53:18 PM
Welcome back.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on January 22, 2019, 09:52:53 PM
*things are so good when we are off porn
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 27, 2019, 12:49:04 PM
Hello Reboot Nation!

I am making a dedicated change in the direction of my recovery. It is an altered way of thinking where I address this challenge in a positive instead of the negative light. This transformation is not without its challenges. But, it is my desire to remove the typical thought process where I focused on myself. I am not a person who is dependent on porn or acting out sexually. My commitment is to fantasize and obsess about my wife. I will leave my past life behind.
 
I didn't get to this point quickly or easily. I could not have gotten to this point without the support, care, and love of all who are presently on, or who have been on RN. My journey started early in 2015 and it continues on today. It has taken frequent RN check-ins, hitting rock bottom, visiting a STI clinic, professional counseling, visits to SAA 12-step programs, my desire to be a different man, father, husband, and the love and support of my wife. While I am admit to fail is human, this is the direction I choose to travel.

To all who are here and who have been on RN; I couldn't have made it this far without you.

Peace and love to all of you.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 26, 2019, 03:23:51 PM
I have returned to continue my quest.

Good evening folks,

This is a post that I made quite a while ago. I had to search back through my Journal to find it again. I wanted to revisit it as I felt like it provided some understanding on my reasons for working towards of life free of pmo.

Reasons to take on a PMO, MO free life
  • Brings me closer to my wife.
  • Stay in the moment (no need to sneaking away).
  • Sex is more intense.
  • Enjoy my time making love, (no quick, "I have to O").
  • “Sure you can use my computer", (No hidden stash).
  • All people deserve respect; Porn is not victim-less.
  • Free porn is not free. No need to line the pockets of people who exploit others.
  • More time available, ("where did the time go"?)
  • Eliminate DE and PIED issues.
  • Waking up with an intense hard on.
  • Pleasant sexual response around attractive females.
  • Increase sense of confidence.
  • Perception that I am more desirable to others.
  • I am in control.
Positive thoughts to all who are working through this process.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on April 26, 2019, 10:07:06 PM
These are all great points.  I'm glad your back bob. Now let's work on getting all this behind us. We are all stronger than this thing.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 27, 2019, 09:27:18 AM
Thanks Jbow,

Wanted to be much further along at this point but I am still here.

Counts for something.

No longer going to make proclamations. Just moving forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on April 29, 2019, 12:23:24 PM
I sometimes wonder how this whole thing happens. How can a titillating activity in our youth escalate into something that goes out of control. Something we can't stop. Something that takes us in a direction we don't really want to go.

It seems so simple. Just stop the behavior. Don't do the things that produce this behavior. But, as we know it is more difficult than that simple explanation.

For some, they just stop. For others, it is a struggle, a passage.

The point is to continue the struggle. To not give up. Don't ever give up. Ever.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 02, 2019, 11:21:32 AM
Good afternoon,

I am going to use this venue as an opportunity to track my thoughts throughout this process. I have been here quite a while and I know what i need to accomplish. It is just that my path has not been straight. And while that is OK, it continues to be a path that needs to be followed.

It amazes me the power of the brain to try and push the body into directions it feels are appropriate and fundamentally sound for the well being of both. I say that as I a currently "fighting" the urges that have plagued me over these many years. For you that are new, I encourage you to work through this process. For ones like myself, I encourage the same; work through the process.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: pckcomeback on May 08, 2019, 03:10:48 AM
thank you
ufabet (http://www.ufabet99.com)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 15, 2019, 11:36:53 PM
Somehow I need to assess the feelings of despair I have while I am stuck in this cycle. Not for self hate but to understand the joy of freedom.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 17, 2019, 04:22:36 AM
Hey Bob. You know your stuff, so I'm reticent to try to give you any advice. I just wonder whether expecting "joy" is setting too high an expectation, which is likely to result in despair? When I've been on a long spell of sobriety, I get clarity, focus, energy, relief, calm.... but not a heck of a lot of joy. Could just be that I'm a miserable bastard, but I find joy to be in short supply during my reboot. Maybe if you set a less lofty aspiration along the lines of "not chaotically out of control" or something, you might not get disappointed?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 17, 2019, 11:47:08 AM
I'm a miserable bastard,

You made me smile...

Maybe you are right. I am just trying to realize that when I have a long time away from this stuff, there is a reason. That I don't want to temp myself. That need to understand why I am staying away.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 20, 2019, 10:25:03 AM
I read you. Dream big.... shoot for the stars.... don't limit yourself. Helps to have a clear vision of what the future state will look like.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 21, 2019, 08:56:43 PM
Good evening.

I guess I should be spouting off my confidence in making it through to the other side, my ability to win this battle. But right now I feel sick, embarrassed, and discouraged. I will keep moving forward but this whole thing can get so frustrating.

I know it is brain chemistry, hormones talking and telling me to continue to check this out, check that out. But... it can make me feel so alone.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 21, 2019, 09:51:32 PM
I'm going for the 8 week mark.

"Some sources suggest that it [Delta-FosB] declines around the 6-8th week of abstinence."

http://biopsychiatry.com/cocaine/index.htm (http://biopsychiatry.com/cocaine/index.htm)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 22, 2019, 05:45:42 AM
Just read in the Uncle Bob's Porn Recovery section of YBOP.


"Don't view porn as an ultimate evil. That gives it far too much power. Think of it as something that you can't have, just as people with allergies can't eat peanuts, or wheat. Porn is like an allergy."

Interesting thought.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 22, 2019, 09:15:16 AM
I like that one. P no longer controls me. It doesn't have that much power any more. It's something that I just can't have.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 22, 2019, 11:27:17 PM
Sitting in a hotel room. Long day. Just going to sleep.

"I done good"

Peace
 :)
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 23, 2019, 08:35:46 AM
My goal is to remember where I was, what it was like, and why I wanted to return. I can never forget but I can't live in the past. I need to be vigilant and move towards the future.

The journey continues
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on May 23, 2019, 08:46:40 AM
I like the peanut model! Making something into an evil, or even just giving it too much symbolic weight, can make it attractive sometimes, at least in my experience.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 24, 2019, 08:23:38 AM
Idunno,

I agree. These challenges should not be given power over us. We need to realize that this is our ancient brain struggling for survival and that we can place it into a category of disinterest. That it is not worth the effort of the struggle. We are above ourselves and we can define who we want to be.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 26, 2019, 12:53:40 PM
Stress causes much consternation when dealing with pmo/mo issues. The pull gets stronger, the ability to resist weaker, and the brain begins the games it has perfected over the life of pmo/mo abuse. The goal is to realize this process, prepare for it, and surf through it. Like the waves of a rising tide, it will not last. It will eventually pass.

The rest of my life is a long time and the desire to be free is the goal. It is of necessity.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Lero on May 28, 2019, 04:18:41 PM
Stress causes much consternation when dealing with pmo/mo issues. The pull gets stronger, the ability to resist weaker, and the brain begins the games it has perfected over the life of pmo/mo abuse. The goal is to realize this process, prepare for it, and surf through it. Like the waves of a rising tide, it will not last. It will eventually pass.

The rest of my life is a long time and the desire to be free is the goal. It is of necessity.

When you are stressed, your brain is already affected, PMO will affect it even more. When you are hurt, you don't need to hurt yourself further. For what? For a short pleasure that tricks you into thinking your stress will go away? But the stress won't go away. PMO doesn't heal stress. Stay strong, man. Sometimes life sucks but sometimes it goes well.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 29, 2019, 06:41:54 AM
Thank you Lero,

Still here. Still clean. Still moving forward.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 30, 2019, 05:07:08 PM
I have been keeping track of my time on this side of life. Not to "rack-up" a certain number of days but to remind myself where I was and where I want to be.

You become a bit humble when you have been at this a long time. I remember when I was sure I was done with it, and I went back. Now I am going to refrain from making declarations of success. I am going to just plug along and make sure I continue on this side of the process.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Lero on May 30, 2019, 05:22:00 PM
I have been keeping track of my time on this side of life. Not to "rack-up" a certain number of days but to remind myself where I was and where I want to be.

You become a bit humble when you have been at this a long time. I remember when I was sure I was done with it, and I went back. Now I am going to refrain from making declarations of success. I am going to just plug along and make sure I continue on this side of the process.

Getting a lot of consecutive days without PMO sure is great but sometimes we just can't. I like trying to reduce the number of relapses if I can't go too long without one. Less relapses means less damage done.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on May 30, 2019, 06:25:15 PM
Lero,

I agree.

While I am working for no relapses, I am much better off than I was years ago.

Keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Lero on May 31, 2019, 03:58:19 AM
Lero,

I agree.

While I am working for no relapses, I am much better off than I was years ago.

Keep moving forward.

Exactly. If we are better now than we used to be (let's say we relapsed 50 times in a month and now only 5) this is obviously great. We must not forget that we've improved, even thought we are not completely healed.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 31, 2019, 06:43:01 AM
You become a bit humble when you have been at this a long time. I remember when I was sure I was done with it, and I went back. Now I am going to refrain from making declarations of success. I am going to just plug along and make sure I continue on this side of the process.

You do indeed, Bob. I think it's probably good for guys like us, who've fallen, got back up, fallen again and got back up to stay humble. I don't know that I'll ever achieve an ultimate victory. But staying focused on executing a process that minimizes my chance of another relapse seems like a realistic aspiration.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on June 03, 2019, 07:53:16 AM
I think that is a great perspective Bob! We are all works in progress, and since I have yet to meet a perfect person, we will probably always being growing till the day we die. Our lives are made up of a bunch of baby steps that over time create something really beautiful (or at least I hope so, lol). One day at a time. Even my husband, now a few yrs porn free, views himself as recovering not recovered. We are all recovering from something. Focus each day on making it a little better than the day before and tomorrow will be even better still. Give grace to yourself when you stumble and allow that grace for others too. Learn to love yourself and know that each day is an opportunity. Keep at it!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 03, 2019, 11:07:44 AM
Thank you Aquarius,

The road is long but if I continue the journey I will be proud of the progress. I will better understand the road as well as it is where the pot holes exist.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Kozakcecil on June 06, 2019, 11:25:30 AM
Is an idol for many people who want to take porn from life. Keep moving forward, Bob.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 06, 2019, 08:56:47 PM
And forward we go. All of us; together.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 12, 2019, 07:14:36 AM
After opening a new VR headset for work, I was encouraged to take it home to try it out. After taking it home an the initial unboxing, I set it up. However, after a day or two, I took it back to work. I told my female coworker that I couldn't have this at home anymore. I stated, "I have to leave this here as I have a problem with porn." Her response was a non-judgemental, "OK, that's fine." It was presented in a way to say that I need not provide additional information. I appreciated that because I really didn't want to get into it. I just knew that I had to stay away from the temptation of this potentially novel porn delivery system. It scared the shit out of me.

It was good to get that off my chest.

A couple days later, she came by to say that she was proud of my honesty. She said she understood the challenges of addiction and its control when kept in silence. Little more was said and that was fine by me. I didn't really want to get into it. It just needed to be said.

Peace



Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on June 12, 2019, 07:41:06 AM
Your a better man than iam. If i had that, I'd be elbow deep in a binge. Lol. Goof job bob, that's a temptation you dont need. As far as telling you coworker about you addiction,  I hope you trust her, and I hope she doesn't decide to air your dirty laundry.  Keep up the good fight and stay strong.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 12, 2019, 11:16:01 PM
I know, she is trustworthy. But even if she wasn't, I'm not going to worry about it. This is something I was, not who I am. And, if others learn about this, so be it. I’m at the point where I’m not going to accept the shame for this. It’s something I struggle with but it isn’t me.

Not now, not anymore.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: newday on June 13, 2019, 09:12:43 AM
Hi Bob....how's it going? Good to see you here...thanks for the recent post.

NGU
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 13, 2019, 09:32:03 AM
I’m doing OK.

So good to see you here. Glad that you sign off with NGU. Helps as I was originally confused.

How are you doing? I haven’t spent a lot of time on here so I have kind of lost touch. Hopefully things are going well as I hope for all who are working through this.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 14, 2019, 11:51:16 AM
Not sure what is going on but I am being triggered today. Maybe its the caffeine. Seems to do that to me. The goal is to let it pass on by me.

 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on June 14, 2019, 07:08:07 PM
maybe it's time to watch some YouTube videos with Noah church,  or Gary Wilson.  they seem to help me when iget triggered
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on June 19, 2019, 02:53:01 AM
Just checking in to say things are going well. Life is a bit stressful at the present but will be going on vacation soon. The, hopefully I will be able to take a much needed rest.

Keep up the fight folks!

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on June 19, 2019, 05:59:21 AM
good for you Bob.  vacations are always a good thing.  I'm proud of your progress.  you keep battling. you never give up. thank you for being there when I was having difficulties.  stay strong brother.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 09, 2019, 05:50:13 PM
Off to a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. Having difficulty staying away from "fringe" behavior that has gotten me into trouble in the past. Need to make a clean break from this and stay true to myself.

 
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on July 13, 2019, 06:05:05 AM
Just checking in.  Bob you can do this!  You are worth it!  Your marriage is worth it!  Your wife is worth it!  One day one minute one hour each is a step in the right direction!!!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 16, 2019, 09:00:45 PM
Thank you Gracie,

All I can say is that I will not give up on this. I will continue to work for the reasons you mentioned. My wife, my marriage, and me. All are important extremely important.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on July 22, 2019, 11:48:21 AM
So much going on that my world seems to be imploding in on me. While I continue to push pmo off my mind longs for a escape from these intense feelings.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on July 22, 2019, 12:27:44 PM
I hope you're staying the course, bob, even if things are upside down for the moment. If you've got a lot to deal with now, then you definitely don't need the additional pressure and crippling effects of porn added to the mix. Sending you good thoughts...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hope2reboot on August 10, 2019, 05:01:18 PM
Hi Bob, see you’ve been battling this stuff for a while. Me too. I like what you said about staying humble. I sometimes wonder if that’s why some of us have this addiction....to keep us humble. As the saying goes “pride comes before a fall” so knowing how weak we really are I think maybe keeps us humble. Keep up the good fight!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Lero on August 11, 2019, 07:25:48 AM
Hi Bob, see you’ve been battling this stuff for a while. Me too. I like what you said about staying humble. I sometimes wonder if that’s why some of us have this addiction....to keep us humble. As the saying goes “pride comes before a fall” so knowing how weak we really are I think maybe keeps us humble. Keep up the good fight!

As long as we have this addiction anyway, I think it's revelatory in a way. Being pushed past the limits that you think you have, and still going on. For three weeks, I've had to endure a crazy strong craving and nostalgia for the awesome dopamine release given by porn, and I thought I wouldn't be able to make it past 1 week, initially. I've been pushed by this fucking shit to the limits for 3 weeks and I've realized some stuff about myself. One is that I can do it. In the beginning, I wasn't able to tolerate more than 4 days of porn abstinence and I used to say: "Imagine going 2 weeks. That's impossible. Unbeatable." Then you see that you have the potential to actually do it. If this makes sense.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 14, 2019, 10:31:30 AM
I'm still here. Had a slip over the weekend. But I am back at it

Have been attending SAA meetings and I think it is going OK. Still difficulty to determine if that is the right step for me. Told myself I would give it a chance though.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: hope2reboot on August 14, 2019, 08:53:38 PM
All the best Bob. I hope and pray you find victory! I think it’s possible for all of us no matter how many times we’ve failed in the past.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 15, 2019, 07:21:12 AM
Thank you.

I am just weary. It is tiresome to continue to work on this thing for so long.

I'm not quitting or giving up. It just gets tiring.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on August 15, 2019, 12:34:34 PM
Sending positive wishes, vibes, energy to you, bob. I hear you about the tiring bit, and hope you rediscover the benefits of the effort again soon.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 16, 2019, 06:31:25 PM
Thank you.

I have started a 12 step program (SAA) with the hopes that this will be a decision that will take me forward in my recovery. I was brutally honest with my sponsor, telling them of my history and how I have progressed through the years. However, i still have difficulty with the concept of the higher power. In my group, it is obviously God that drives these folks. For me, its a bit more difficult. I just don't know if I can connect with that concept, even though they say that your higher power can be anything you like.

I am giving it a try and exploring all opportunities as I would like to be on the other side of this problem; at least at some point in time.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 17, 2019, 11:52:13 AM
I'm torn. I want to be done with this obsession.

Spring of 2018 I hit rock bottom. I decided that I needed to quit. I had problems with both porn and other compulsive sexual behaviors. I knew the science to the problem as I had been on these sites since 2015. But, I have not been able to quit. It’s been almost 5 years. And it is expected to require 3-5 years away from this crap to really feel like this is done. So why not commit to the 12-step program?

I realize the theory of 12-step programs is that you are never done. Addiction becomes a part of your life. Understood. If this is negative aspect of program, I also see positives in other realms. 12-step programmer’s eventually give back.

Per the website of the Sexual Addicts Anonymous: https://saa-recovery.org/ (https://saa-recovery.org/)

12th Step of SAA:
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.”

I also realize going it alone was not successful. It’s impossible to beat this thing on shear willpower. Any single or combination of the following: group work, counseling, religion, research, sites like RN or YBOP, or other personal connections, will help. If I am not vigilant, I will return to the addictive behavior. The result of persistent use of high-speed internet porn or other highly repetitive and habitual sexual behaviors never really goes away. Not completely. My brain will work against me. Few if any have ever “white knuckled” and won against our brain. I don’t think I am going to be the first.

So I struggle with the idea that I have to be identified as an addict or a recovering addict for the rest of my life. Whether I accepted the program ideals or work with other means available, I have a long road ahead.

I hope these thoughts define a journey begun.

Sorry to ramble on...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on August 20, 2019, 12:49:37 PM
I hear your suffering, bob. Not just with wrestling with porn, but with questioning the way the recovery process is framed. Everyone's different, and what benefits one person might not benefit others, or may even be harmful. Maybe you can identify the elements that are useful to you, in whatever terms, concepts, or programs are out there, and can discard the rest?
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on August 21, 2019, 12:09:18 PM
Bob, you do have a long road ahead.....in fact you have your entire life ahead of you! That is not bad news but rather it's fantastic news. Each human on this planet has a struggle of some kind. If they say they don't than you know their struggle is lying, lol. We are all imperfect people. You are trying each day to recognize the areas you struggle with and to be your best self each day. Tomorrow you can try to be better still. Nothing happens over night. Some maybe take 5 years, some 3 years, some 30 years. As long as you are waking up each morning with the intention to be a better you than you are winning! Who cares how long the journey is? It's supposed to last a lifetime. You will always have something to improve and work on, it's called the human condition. Don't be discouraged, be focused. You know the areas of struggle to focus on, there are a lot of people in the world who don't even know where to start. You have incredible self awareness and if you just look back over your journal you can read huge steps of transformation in yourself and others. Those are big! Celebrate that! You are not the same person you were 5 years ago and in 5 years from now you will continue to grow. This is a journey, not a race. Soak up the process and be present for each day.

Sending you lots of love my friend!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 22, 2019, 08:05:31 PM
Thanks Idunno,

I am trying to do just that. Take what works, and leave the rest. I have been listening to a lot of pod casts lately. Gives me ideas and helps me stay focused on the road ahead.

I appreciate your thoughts and the comments.

Aquarius25,

It feels good to hear your thoughts as well. It has been a long time. The road has just begun. I just hope that the way that I have chosen will ultimately work well for me.

Peace to you both
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 24, 2019, 07:49:10 AM
While journaling and I came across a recent thought on why I need to stay away from compulsive sexual behaviors. That reminded me of an older post I made here on RN. The first list is from a negative perspective. The second, a more positive outlook on abstinence.


The consequences.


The rewards.

Carrot or the stick; either way I need to be remain vigilant.

Peace



Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Iloveicecream on August 26, 2019, 03:54:03 AM
I like your rewards!!!!! Best to Always think About rewards! very motivating.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free-man on August 26, 2019, 03:58:04 AM
While journaling and I came across a recent thought on why I need to stay away from compulsive sexual behaviors. That reminded me of an older post I made here on RN. The first list is from a negative perspective. The second, a more positive outlook on abstinence.


The consequences.

  • Further hurt and disappoint my wife.
  • PIED
  • Loose the opportunity for amazingly satisfying sex
  • Potential for STI/STD's
  • Assaulted by a stranger
  • Arrested
  • Public humiliation

The rewards.
  • Brings me closer to my wife.
  • Stay in the moment (no need to sneaking away).
  • Sex is more intense.
  • Enjoy my time making love, (no quick, "I have to O").
  • “Sure you can use my computer", (No hidden stash).
  • All people deserve respect; Porn is not victim-less.
  • Free porn is not free. No need to line the pockets of people who exploit others.
  • More time available, ("where did the time go"?)
  • Eliminate DE and PIED issues.
  • Waking up with an intense hard-on, (it's just fun knowing it is working).
  • Pleasant emotional response around attractive females, (they're just fun to be around).
  • Increase sense of confidence as a male, (not overly shy or intimidated).
  • Perception that I am more desirable to others.
  • I am in control

Carrot or the stick; either way I need to be remain vigilant.

Peace

I love lists and this one is a really good one. Thanks bob
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 26, 2019, 08:55:01 PM
Thanks Free Man,

I think I am going to go with the stick for a while.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 29, 2019, 05:38:20 PM
I have continue my visits to a 12 step program in my area. Found one that seems like a good fit. Great group of guys. Did my first step during our last meeting. I really laid it out there. Brutally honest.

It was difficult and emotionally draining. But, I did it and I am proud of myself for that accomplishment.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: ORBAT on August 30, 2019, 01:16:43 AM
Bob—I have read most of your comments and it has helped me a lot because we are just alike. My MD doctor told me today I should think about SSA because my score on a Anxiety Depression suicide form was so bad. I have been putting off going to a SSA meetings. But now I think I might need it. Failing to abstain from PMO for so long has really beaten me up.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Iloveicecream on August 30, 2019, 01:46:00 AM
Bob, I am happy for you if your 12 steps program works out.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on August 30, 2019, 08:32:30 AM
The90daywar,

My advise would be to try a meeting, then try another (different) meeting. It takes time to get with a crew that clicks. Their website does a pretty good job of showing when and where meetings are located and you get a chance to read the literature so you can understand what it is all about.

I fought it for a long time. But, after 5 years of really trying, i felt it was time.

Good luck.

Thanks Iloveicream. I appreciate your support.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on September 04, 2019, 12:55:26 PM
Hey bob, thinking about you, and happy your group was a good one...
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 07, 2019, 01:42:33 PM
Thank you idunno,

Right now I am attempting to explore what it was that cause the pain. What is it that required self medication? I want to go to the source, not just ease the symptoms.

My compulsive sexual behavior is not the root of my problem.

 

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 09, 2019, 08:54:21 PM
Feeling a great deal of stress at work. Seems like I don't have time to do what needs to be done. With that comes worries and triggers. I know I need to stay away from specific behaviors but I also need to take care of my self.

Depression plays a big role in this whole thing too.

Just need to accept where I am and work to stay positive, continue to move forward.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free-man on September 10, 2019, 02:22:34 AM
Resist Bob.

All we know that there are forces that control us behind porn.
There is an article in YBOP very interesting to all the rebooters:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/ (https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/)
All that he says here is right. This is a part of it:

"Porn is not the reason you’re a procrastinator. Porn is not the reason you’re depressed. Porn is not the reason you’re lonely. Porn is not the reason you haven’t been able to lose weight or gain muscle.

Porn is the symptom.

You watch porn to escape reality. You watch porn to manage your emotions. You watch porn because you’re bored, lonely, stressed, depressed, angry, isolated. You watch porn to feel good for a moment, to replace uncomfortable emotions and situations in your life."


Resist man, you're doing very well.
Please comment some lectures or some of the group discussions, it would very helpful too.
Stay strong!
Cheers!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on September 10, 2019, 02:28:05 PM
Hope you get through it, bob, in whatever way is best for your own path in the future.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: cranm329 on September 10, 2019, 02:35:48 PM
Right with you with the stress/pain/depression. Accepting yourself as you are is essential. Can't give advice just hold on to truth that PMO is not an option.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 12, 2019, 07:49:16 PM
I'm going forward with that thought. I just feel so dejected sometimes. It's what I have to watch out for and when you feel like this, you don't really give a shit about anything.

Not saying that its has me running for pmo, its just hard to handle sometimes.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 15, 2019, 11:01:24 AM
Rhetorical statements here.

How does one balance the time spent within the additive process against the time spent in recovery. Both consist of time away from loved ones, family, community. Does it constitute an addiction unto itself?

Depression looms dark today. I question almost everything. Why oh why.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free-man on September 15, 2019, 04:04:59 PM
Hey bob
Depression is one of the main symptoms of the withdrawal.
I'm feeling depression these days too and I understand you, sometimes is hard and everything you see is dark and with no meaning.
60 days ago I started the rebooting and except flashbacks and arousal images that comes to my mind sometimes, I have the flatline since then.
We have to focus in the 'real life' and fight against the everyday issues and avoid porn and procastination. I think that will help us in personal development, we will know how to handle with mood swings.

Don't give up man and stay strong!
We'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: workinprogressUK on September 16, 2019, 05:10:03 AM
Depression looms dark today. I question almost everything. Why oh why.

Completely empathise with your sentiments, Bob. Being a compulsive porn addict made me miserable as sin. Giving up porn made me even more miserable. Made me cold and disinterested to everything.... Anhedonia.... Depression.... I don't know. But it persists. I think it's part chemical and part psychological and the two perpetuate each other. My perspective - based on books like The Marshmallow Test, The Chimp Paradox and Thinking Fast & Slow.... your emotional brain is strong and it desperately wants to cling on to its drug, so it plays havoc with you to try to get back their easy fix. All sorts of Cortisol and other "downer" chemicals rush your brain and you suffer depression. Do I have an easy fix? Nope. Far from it. But I'm increasingly of the view that if your reality without porn is a reality that aligns with your values..... you have a chance of building happiness over time.

Good luck, Bob. I feel for you. We've both been trying to crack this for a long time!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 16, 2019, 08:42:05 AM
Thank you Workin,

Your thoughts make me feel like I am not alone in this struggle. I appreciate it.



Free-Man,

I just need to stay vigilant and fight against the procrastination. Its tough.

Quote
We'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope it isn't an oncoming train.  ;)

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Free-man on September 16, 2019, 09:35:20 AM
 ;D. The train of our lives. We have to catch it!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: idunno on September 17, 2019, 12:28:23 PM
I like the addiction/recovery time balance question. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. For me, I'd say that family, friends, and community need to take precedence, until the point where my ability to engage in those things becomes hampered by addiction/recovery issues. Then it's time to go back and give those issues some attention, but only as much as necessary to re-engage in life. It's probably different for everyone, depending on how outgoing they are, how community-oriented, and how much they find the addiction/recovery model helpful. I like that we go about it in different ways, and it helps me to hear different perspectives.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on September 23, 2019, 09:29:04 PM
I have been moving in and out of middle circle behaviors. Things that typically aren't that "bad" but that tend to lead to a full blown relapse.

It doesn't start out as any big deal. Looking at those picture, click bait here and there. mo without fantasy, then with, then... Well you get the picture. I am back working towards those activities that take me into a life that is healthy, productive, and without compulsive sexual behavior.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: matisse on October 01, 2019, 01:38:18 PM
Bob, I read your first journal entry. Yes, we are alike in many ways. It is bizarre how guys (and I'm mainly referring to myself), fight self-worth. depression, loneliness, and the list goes on, are all such painful elements of this process. I hope today is a great day for you. Focus on your strengths....by the way, what are your strengths? What are the things about you that make you uniquely you? Sometimes, I believe wallow in the mire of the crappy things we do rather than all of the good things we do. Let me know.

matisse
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 03, 2019, 07:39:24 PM
Currently on a trip to the Chicago area and being on the road is always a big concern. It provides more that its share of opportunities to act out and get myself in trouble. Even the level of p-subs and similar situations are dangerous. They take me close to the edge and dare me to look over.

'There ain't nothing to see stupid. You seen it before and it didn't satisfy the itch.

Persistence is the key.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 10, 2019, 12:29:31 AM
Back from my trip to Chicago and I was able to pass by the spots that in the past, I have acted out. Still working on the little stuff as that is what seems to take one down the slope. Continuing with a crazy schedule and trying to stay sane. Guess that is all that i can ask for.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: cranm329 on October 10, 2019, 08:02:44 PM
Well done, great progress.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on October 10, 2019, 10:18:42 PM
Thank you.

I continue to struggle with the day to day life. It seems it is the little things that have the potential to tip you over the edge. It is that type of action that i need to be aware of and acknowledge. I have to say, hey, it is there and I plan to bypass it for today.

Tomorrow, I need to repeat the same process.

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: jixu on October 11, 2019, 05:37:54 AM
Your persistence and determination and hard efforts are paying off.  It is indeed a daily battle but it is worth it.  Keep going friend.   
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 13, 2019, 07:44:49 AM
Morning world.

Just a note to say that I continue on with my quest. Things have not gotten easier but I am still here. Hope all are doing well and that your recovery continues forward.

Will post again soon.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 17, 2019, 03:56:49 PM
Just started the The Great Courses, Practicing Mindfulness: An Introduction to Meditation. I am excited about its potential and what I will be able to learn about the process. Just started so I will let folks know when i am further into the course.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 23, 2019, 06:59:30 AM
It is challenging to set aside time to work with the mindfulness. Time I have spend is beneficial. I just need to continued. Still actively working on eliminating outside thoughts and slippery behavior. pmo is behind me and that's where it needs to stay. Can't be sure it will never return but I am taking the attitude that it can't. Its just not worth the problems it causes. Just want to be careful about the "never" statements.

Good vibes to all that are struggling with this. It truly is a demon that seems to want to control ones life. The mind can be such a control freak.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on November 24, 2019, 11:45:44 AM
I feel tentative when I say I am doing well and moving forward. I would like to say that I am months, even years away from my last encounter with pmo but its really 20 days out of my last pmo and 6 days from mo. Masturbation isn't a deal breaker for me; it just introduces behavior that may lead me down the road to other things so I am trying to distance myself.

I have been working at this a good long time and I want to be free of this thing. Currently working a 12 step program. Bit difficult as I don't see a God as my Higher Power. But, there has been enough time working on this so I am writing, researching, thinking and going to meetings.

Hope all is well with others that are here and that we all get to the point where this is in our past.

Peace
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on December 07, 2019, 07:00:32 PM
Continuing on my quest for a pmo free life.

I am still clean and have been attending SAA meetings. Never thought I would say this but it helps to have a face to face group where you are totally accepted and that the things you have done in the past don't really mater.  That is to say that they are not held against you as a person. Whether your issues were with porn, prostitutes, strip clubs or adult book stores, you are accepted and loved as person.

Peace to all and keep up your work to rid your life of this stuff. It's really not worth the hassle.

Peace

Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: bob on January 24, 2020, 10:19:38 AM
I have been here on RN since 2015 and it is time for me to move on.

I haven't posted in a while and many of the the people whom I have come to know are already gone. Now it is my time.

I haven't gotten years of sobriety but I know I will because sobriety has become a new part of my life. My new life exist with other things than compulsive sexual behavior. I have had to reinvent myself to fill the void that pmo once held. It's power is slowly diminishing. I continue to grow as I  fill my life with other activities. Things that fulfill me and support me in my life without pmo.

The new me continues to move forward. Not always in a straight line but forward I will go. The behaviors of the past have been put in a trunk and placed in the attic. They remain. They always will. But when they are out of sight, they loose their power to control my life. It isn't easy but it is where I need to be.

Peace to all brothers and sisters in this struggle. You can do this! Keep trying different things and continue to learn as much as you can about yourself.

I have grown to love this place, the people, and what we have been through together. I will miss it but it is time.

I plan to stop back in about 6 months to confirm I am on my way.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Gracie on January 24, 2020, 09:14:32 PM
Safe travels my friend!
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: Jbow on January 27, 2020, 07:51:32 AM
I wish you the best of luck Bob.  You and I have been here battling for a while now. We have the tools to beat this crap, we just need to use them when the time is right. Porn is no longer an option.
Title: Re: Yes I Can!
Post by: aquarius25 on April 29, 2020, 03:00:45 PM
Glad to hear you are in a good place! Sending you much peace and love my friend.