Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: lyon03 on November 21, 2014, 04:59:08 AM

Title: 5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on November 21, 2014, 04:59:08 AM
Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: Beachy on November 21, 2014, 07:33:01 AM
Thanks for sharing your story Lyon03. New life and better times await. Congrats on tanking this step.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: Poker on November 21, 2014, 08:27:46 AM
Good luck my friend  :)
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: Jaystock on November 22, 2014, 12:00:05 PM
My story sounds just like yours. I use to go to my cousins  house, and he had dirty magazines. I love looking  at those. When I was 13, I saw my first porn. I remember  riding  my bike home, after watching  it. I couldn't  get to the bathroom  fast enough  to m.o
 I use to go to the video  store 2 or 3 times a week, and get some porn. I was mildly  addicted.  But now with high speed  Internet,  I get the porn sent toy phone..bad combination. I have severe p.i.e.d., but junior  has been moving lately. I'm doing so good, not pmo'ing.  I'm so much more confident. What a world of difference  my life is, in just 2 weeks  of  not watching porn, or m.o.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: Nexus974 on November 22, 2014, 02:06:03 PM
Thanks for sharing and welcome to the Nation brother.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: lyon03 on November 24, 2014, 08:41:45 AM
Thank you to everyone for your encouragement. Still PMO free and plan to stay that way. So here is a brief recap of my reboot progress so far:

Day 0: Hit rock bottom by unintentionally seeing a photo that repulsed me, to the point of almost vomiting. P.I.E.D. No feelings yet felt shame. Vowed to never view porn again.

Phase 1: Cold Turkey
Day 1 (Oct 30): Joined Porn Addicts Anonymous online. Gave up porn, masturbation, and television. Huge help.
Days 2-6: Mood swings, depression, lack of concentration. Heavy withdrawal.

Phase 2: Repair
Days 7-14: Slept like a baby. Felt like: "I'm the man!" Then flatline (cold pool d*ck). Withdrawal continues.
Days 14-20: Huge pressure in my genitals. Buzzing penis. Nighttime and morning boners commence. This is my 13-year-old stage. Very strong withdrawal: total lack of concentration; shaky legs at night; spontaneous boners. The works!

Phase 3: Reflection
Days 21-24: More introspective: "Who am I?" Regaining ability to concentrate/work. Rock-hard erections while sleeping and in morning. Sex drive coming back online.
Day 24: Starting reading "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. Learned a lot about the addiction/disease.
Day 26 (today): Mood swings and almost adolescent but manageable sexual impulses (flat to horny in 2 seconds). Very close to MO relapse but talked to my buddy and got over it.

In brief, since I disgusted myself by viewing filth on Day 0, I've had very little drive to view porn but a huge need to masturbate. Now that I've read more about the addiction, I now understand porn was the stimulus required to edge to orgasm and yet porn-fuelled orgasm was almost always a let down.

I will post more consistently going forward. Thanks to all for your support and contributions. Stay strong.


Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: nobother on November 24, 2014, 09:48:14 AM
I am now two weeks into rebooting.  Similar stories.  Long history of porn with masturbation and some intense orgasms.  Now that I am in reboot along with PIED - nothing.....nada....not even wood in the morning.  Willy just hangs there and looks at me as if to say "do your best but I ain't playing."

I have a long road ahead of me.  I have felt the shame that I brought to myself.  My secret is still secure.  But I am bitchy right now and a little depressed.  I think the depression comes from the fact that I can't get it up for nothing.  I have to wait until the muck has filtered out of my brain.

Lyon03 you can do this.  We all are in the same boat with you.  We will either sink or swim.  I choose to swim.

Keep journeling.  Focus on the end goal:  no PMO.  Say to yourself whatever it takes you will do it.  We all have made that pledge to ourselves.  We are here to cheer you on.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: lyon03 on November 24, 2014, 09:59:10 AM
Hang in there. But beware: it seems the earlier you started PMO, the more you have to unwire your brain. I also wouldn't focus too much on your dick as that obsession probably got you here. I've found it easier and more fulfilling to focus on all of the positive things life has to offer away from the computer screen. Focus on being a better human being, and the dick will follow. I should write greeting cards.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: lyon03 on November 24, 2014, 02:58:37 PM
Today was a bit of mixed bag emotionally-speaking. Even with porn, I always had a very strong sex drive even if the equipment wasn't always working because of PIED. It seems my trigger is: feeling horny; being alone; being in front of a computer screen. I called up my buddy/sponsor, and he talked me through it which helped. Sadly my only form of sexual expression while alone has been fapping. While difficult to overcome, I am seeing things with laser-precision rather than through a porn-induced brain fog. But I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm currently divorcing and yet live very close to my in-laws who are very close to my kids (I have 3). Tomorrow I have my first face-to-face with my in-laws after announcing 1. the divorce; and 2. I'm gay (she-bang!). While I feel it's necessary to meet with them, rather than have it out at a school play, I'd rather have a root canal. Rather than head home and feel shitty tomorrow, I'm going to head to the gym and work off my stress then have a chat with my buddy/sponsor. By being pro-active I'll meet my reboot goals and beyond. Any suggestions you could provide about managing triggers/stress would be most helpful.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: lyon03 on November 25, 2014, 03:16:55 AM
Day 27: Thanks everyone for your kind messages. It's morning here in Europe and I've had one of my best sleeps ever. I cannot recall the last time I've had such vivid dreams. Last night my first dream was like 'Aliens' with some strange and terrible predator hunting us. It then picked off almost every person in my dream until just 3 of us survived. I don't need a doctorate in psychology to understand the predator was my addiction and I escaped it, albeit just barely. Woke up scared from this dream with a raging boner around 3:30 a.m., had a pee, and even in my half-sleep my brain was saying, "Just relax by going on the internet. Come on, we won't look at anything dangerous." I then gave it the biggest mental 'F*CK OFF!' and promptly fell back asleep. (This was the first time in years I had to sit to angle my '11 o'clock' erection towards the toilet to pee. It made me feel 18 again.) But enough about my d*ck. I have also finished the e-book, 'Your Brain on Porn' which I highly recommend for anyone with a porn addiction. Through reading the book, I could remove the morality from my addiction and understand the simple brain chemistry involved. It really helped me forgive myself and develop strategies to remain porn-free. I enjoyed the very simple and direct narrative and was shocked to read about the tricks the primitive parts of our brains use to get us to relapse. I can give you one from personal experience. Yesterday I white-knuckled to work just 4 solid hours (my goal is 8 by the end of the month). My porn-brain was so fried that I couldn't even concentrate at work. My primitive brain (sexuality) was like a wild cat trying to distract my frontal lobe (higher thinking & logic) to get a porn fix. Now my porn brain's 'Hail Mary' to keep from working is...bathroom breaks. It's incredible that rather than just admit defeat, I now feel an overwhelming urge to sh*t just every time I try to start my work day. This is a rather scatological example, but knowledge is power so I can better strangle my addiction to death. Let me end this rambling post by writing that I love all of you and thank you for your contributions. You've saved my life. I'll post again this afternoon after meeting with my in-laws but right now, I feel as though I could take on the world. Be well my friends.
Title: Re: FIGHT THE POWER (20-YEAR ADDICTION ENDS NOW)
Post by: lyon03 on November 25, 2014, 03:25:54 AM
PS PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: lyon03 on November 25, 2014, 12:21:45 PM
Day 27: cont'd. My story: father/gay/came out to wife/now divorcing/recovering porn addict. I'm the whole package! Met with the former in-laws which was both emotional and stressful. Never thought I'd have a beer in their kitchen chatting about divorcing their daughter and coming out.  Anyhow, thought it might lead to a relapse but still no desire for PMO. Actually feel stronger. Hit the gym hard instead and posted here. Feeling great actually but still understand I'm just a click away from a relapse so trying to stay strong.
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: Beachy on November 25, 2014, 08:58:15 PM
Congrats on reaching 27 days Lyon. You've achieved so much so stay strong and know that everyone here is behind you so if you feel the urge then reach out. Good luck.
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: lyon03 on November 26, 2014, 12:36:50 AM
Thanks brother. I am worried that upon reaching day 30 in just 2 days, I'll do something stupid like go on a porn binge. I also don't want to become so arrogant that I believe I'm cured. While I've had very little seeking and urges to watch porn this past month, for me it comes almost robotically. It's scary. I've twice caught myself writing a porn website name rather than Youtube. Strangely I also have these flashes while driving that are like, "Can't wait to get home to jerk off." I also had an overwhelming need to masturbate; another addiction that I have also stopped. For those struggling with broken relationships, I can certainly relate. I was so cold and distant emotionally because of my addiction. Sometimes it felt like watching a stage play of my tragic life rather than playing a part there was so much of a disconnect. My addiction has taken everything from me, namely my marriage, but that led to new beginnings and new love. Maybe I have come the conclusion that, whatever path I choose in my life, addiction won't be coming with me. While I accept the damage I have done, I can't be so self-centred that my own pain/healing prevents others from living their lives. Put bluntly, I refuse to become their addiction: demanding attention; giving nothing back; destroying love etc. There is, however, a point in recovery when the porn-fog lifts only to reveal the war-torn landscape that is your life. It feels a bit like being a WWI soldier in the muddy and rat-filled trenches of Europe. One day you hear, "The war is over!" Thrilled, you then emerge from the trenches only to see death and devastation. Suddenly the challenges of rebuilding hit you with full force and you wonder if you have the courage to start over. This is how I feel in early recovery. Yes I'm learning the tools to tame my addiction, but do I have the strength to rebuild my life? I believe I do but that will be another struggle. One day at a time my friends. Thank you for reading my rambling post. Love and prayers to all of you.
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: lyon03 on November 26, 2014, 11:17:21 AM
Question: I'm now on day 28 of my PMO reboot, but is sex considered a relapse?

Just had fantastic sex with my BF (I'm gay) of 2 years. Unlike past encounters which felt like some grainy black & white 1950s sci-fi movie, this was a 3-d megaplex kind of sexual experience. While it's early days, it felt good to:

1. Take my time. PMO was always such a rushed and shameful experience that I too often transferred to the bedroom.
2. Not focus on the orgasm. I couldn't have cared less about the climax, it was pure, stress-free, enjoyment from start to finish.
3. No ED. Gone were my weak and disappointing erections of yore. With #1 and #2 above, I couldn't have cared less about my wood and, without this pressure, performed.

Now I just want to see if I experience a 'chaser' effect that so many have written about. For now, no urge to PMO.

"Porn is not an option"
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: Jaystock on November 26, 2014, 11:42:00 PM
Holy cow lyon, you have a pretty  full  plate right now. Congratulations  on 28 days of  no p. I'm thinking  of you at your  ex in laws. I've gotta say I read that, and kind of laughed. Not at you, just the situation.  You are doing awesome.  If you can have sex right now, and you don't think it's  messing  up your reboot, have fun. I know a guy who was married  to a woman, and one day he came home, and told her he was having  a sex change. He did, now he's a female,  married  to a male. It was a shock to us all. Sorry I was rambling  on. Anyway I'm proud of you. You've  made some HUGH life changes
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: lyon03 on November 27, 2014, 01:10:37 AM
Thanks for your encouragement brother. No sex change here...YET. I'm on day 29 and feel cautiously optimistic. 30 days is very symbolic for me, but it's a long slog back to a normal porn-free life but I'll celebrate each victory day by day.
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: Poker on November 27, 2014, 02:18:13 PM
Wow....  full plate indeed.   Congrats on the progress.  And thank you for the brutal honesty in your story.

To answer your question, I would say no....  that sex is not a relapse ( In my opinion)....  so long as you were engaged with your partner rather fantasizing about porn fetish.

Remember, the whole point of rebooting is so that we can perform, and have normal sex lives....   so we can bring healthy happy people into the relationships we're in. 

I would be simply take it for what it is....  don't stress yourself out about it more than you have to, and continue to commit yourself to being a better you.

Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: Porn is not an option...but still need your encouragement!
Post by: lyon03 on November 27, 2014, 02:54:06 PM
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Just when I thought the withdrawal was over, I now have the emotions of a drunk chick at prom. Thanks brain! For no reason my eyes started leaking while listening to Sia's "Chandelier" at the gym. This line set me off:

'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life,
Won't look down, won't open my eyes

Anyhow almost bedtime for me in Europe. In addition to no PMO, I've also given up TV...too many triggers and really just a waste of time. So I'll read a bit before bed as I do every night. While I may be a 12-year-old girl emotionally, without the stimulation of TV and porn, I'm sleeping like a baby. 

I look forward to seeing my counter hit 30 tomorrow. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: lyon03 on November 28, 2014, 06:30:28 AM
Made it to 30. That was the hardest, most white-knuckle, most rewarding, most life-changing month of my life. I can't believe it would be so hard to not surf filth and keep my hands off my c*ck. But it was. I'm going to keep posting and look forward to celebrating 60, 90 and a lifetime porn free. Thanks for your posts and support.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: Poker on November 28, 2014, 12:50:33 PM
You're an inspiration my friend.....  in more ways than one.  :)

Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: lyon03 on November 28, 2014, 01:05:53 PM
You know what, bring on the hard! Bring on the withdrawal, the emotions, the shakiness, the self-doubt. I'm not just going to beat this addiction, I'm going to f*cking destroy it. People are suffering in this world way more than guys just tugging on their junk in nice comfortable office chairs, in nice warm offices. Compared to world hunger, porn addiction looks like a holiday. I am better than my porn/past. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!!
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: lyon03 on November 29, 2014, 02:58:46 PM
Day 31: Natural horniness like today is a gift. I didn't want to MO so I worked out...hard. And given the looks I got in the weight room, my muscles are growing nicely. Can I put another counter on my profile: stop being a total p*ssy? I cringe at the years I wasted with the "poor me" attitude. I used to be a strong willed and confident man. Porn reduced me to a limp dicked little boy. NO MORE. I am more that my addiction, wasting time tugging it in front of a computer screen. Is it wrong to hate my former self? Maybe but it motivates me. But I've moved from the piss and moan stage to getting really f*cking angry at my former addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Goodnight and thanks to everyone for your encouragement.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: Poker on November 29, 2014, 11:01:45 PM
This made me happy. 

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: lyon03 on November 30, 2014, 02:45:09 AM
Day 32: Still no PMO and never will again. Confidence is returning. I'm heading to the gym to strengthen both mind and body. Morning wood is back and the symptoms of withdrawal have almost disappeared. I have some night tremors just before falling asleep, last night my hands, but it's just the mind cleansing so I welcome it. I am stronger than my addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: horpio on November 30, 2014, 05:16:00 PM
Thanks for sharing your story. It's inspirational. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Title: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 01, 2014, 02:34:27 AM
Thanks brother. Day 33: I spent the first 30 days of no PMO dealing with withdrawal, my sh*tty life, "poor me" syndrome, and (to top it all off) noodle d*ck. I can confirm that older guys like me (42 years old) recover faster than a younger generation because our sexual pathways developed more naturally with real boobies rather than porn. So I now have functioning wood, a healthy body, and a lot of anger. Reading these posts reminded me of the self-confident beast of a man I used to be. Porn reduced me to a navel-gazing p*ssy of biblical proportions. Not any more brothers! Last month I beat addiction, this month I crush the 13-year-old girl I had become due to an inability to stop yanking my junk in front of a computer screen. I am going to work harder, make more money, build more muscle, love more deeply, and live healthier than I have in the past decade of addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Poker on December 01, 2014, 10:39:39 AM

There is NO reason big enough to make sense of YOU not succeeding.

Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Accountable on December 01, 2014, 11:24:23 AM
Great read thanks for sharing!  Good luck with your continued success!
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 01, 2014, 03:44:15 PM
Off to bed my brothers of recovery. No more TV for me, just quiet reading and spontaneous (yet untouched) boners. This is the first time in a long time I go to bed a happy man. Today I worked hard; earned money; and was a good father. It doesn't get better than that. I now understand addiction robs us of the most valuable thing: our self worth. While I envy the members who have hundreds of days PMO free, I know I'll get there. Slow and steady. To all of those suffering because of this sh*tty addiction, I'm thinking of you and thank you for your support. Goodnight! 
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 01, 2014, 04:40:13 PM
I can really relate to your difficulty with your marriage Lyon. I'm not sure about your case, obviously your sexual orientation played a significant part. But in my case my addiction and her codependency became demons that fed off each other. I am still maintaining hope for our relationship but my lack of faith in our mutual self-improvement has me more concerned than the task of quitting PMO most days.

Anyway, just wanted to reach out and congratulate you for your progress in the face of adversity. Way to go on 33 days! Also, I greatly appreciate your ability to laugh at the awkward moments that life throws our way. Keep laughing my friend.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: horpio on December 01, 2014, 05:27:11 PM
Hi Lyon
This is the first time in a long time I go to bed a happy man... I now understand addiction robs us of the most valuable thing: our self worth.
Truth spoken. Becoming a better man through your efforts. Glad to hear that true happiness is returning to your life. You've been through a lot.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 02, 2014, 06:10:47 AM
Day 34: Thanks Chiefmitch and Horpio...it sounds like I'm congratulating superheroes in some action movie. Your posts meant a lot. Ahhh relationships and recovery, ying and yang. ChiefM I now believe there are two kinds of relationships: happy and sad. Stay with the happy, run like hell from the sad.

Happy relationships aren't always easy, but on the whole they make you feel good about yourself. Stick with these relationships. Unfortunately, most porn addicts create sad relationships. We hate ourselves so we attract people who either reinforce these negative feelings. Here is an easy test: when you start to recover, does someone try to bring you back down again? If yes, run. 

While I'm talking a big game now, for years I surrounded myself with people who fed off of my negativity and failures. So I chose to end these relationships. Addicts get too comfortable with guilt and shame. I rarely finished a PMO session and screamed, "Goddamn that was amazing! I am THE MAN!" No I felt like sh*t, had to clean up my jizz, pull up my pants, turn off some obscene video, etc. We've all been there. I eventually got comfortable being a loser. My ex-wife has always been unhappy. She enjoyed when I was unhappy. She does not enjoy the strong/happy me. So goodbye b*tch.

I've always envied those people on this website who just decided, "the porn stops now". That's why I called my thread 'porn is not an option'. This overwhelming sense of confidence is thrilling. Chiefmitch if you're getting nothing from your relationship, have worked hard to improve things, are seeing no results, and now realize you will never get anything from your relationship, get the f*ck out. You cut out the porn, now rip the sad/negative people from your life. This may include your partner/spouse. Difficult: yes; life-threatening: hell no. 

Just an update: had a great workout; body is coming along nicely; and confidence (but not arrogance) returning. Business is also good. Imagine that! Sales increase when you're not spending 8 hours a day surfing porn. I feel like a man again. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Thanks for reading and look forward to my journey to 365 days. 
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Poker on December 02, 2014, 09:47:32 PM
That's a lot of progress in 34 days my friend.  :)
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Jaystock on December 02, 2014, 09:55:44 PM
Your doing  awesome lyon. Keep up the good fight.
 
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 03, 2014, 12:37:36 AM
Day 35: Thanks boys! It seems like in the initial stages of recovery, I battled 'the beast' of addiction. Last night I had some slight tremors but withdrawal has all but stopped. The weakest part of the day for me is just when I start drifting off to sleep. This is when the dirty images, porn flashes, and shakes come. But it doesn't last very long and I generally sleep very soundly. My toughest night was around day 20 when I woke up with a raging hardon, hot flashes, and an unbelievable urge to masturbate. It was just two weeks ago but feels like a lifetime.

Now I'm moving into the more philosophical stage of recovery. This is the hardest part because you have to deal with the daily stresses of life without our drug of choice: porn. I've been reading a lot about relationships in other threads and I'm both moved and angered by what I read. There are two camps: men who are working through guilt to patch things up in their relationships; and men who still blame/objectify their wives in some f*cked up attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their PMO habit. I found strength in fully accepting this habit was 100% my fault, that I screwed up my relationship because I was a married closet homosexual, and sought to make amends with those I had hurt. In the depths of addiction, and make no mistake PMO is an addiction, I tried to justify my actions and blame my wife. Yes she's an unhappy person, but I spent years feeding that unhappiness. Yes we're divorcing but that doesn't mean I don't still have feelings for her. What's changed is I've recognized I attracted the wrong person; someone who was addicted to the weaker me. And almost everyone in my life reinforced feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. On October 30 I said, ENOUGH!!! Just as I cut porn out of my life, I removed the many leeches I'd let suck the life out of me.

Porn was just the battle, life is the war. I'm getting back in touch with the warrior I once was and it feels f*cking amazing. I now jump out of bed, work harder, and just feel more positive in my life. There will of course be challenges, but I'll face them without feeling the need to go pants down in front of some trannie video. 




   
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 03, 2014, 03:46:44 PM
Day 35 (cont'd): Had a mixed day today. Good start workwise, great workout (got eye-f*cked by both men and women), and spent some quality time with my kids. I was fat/flabby 2-3 years ago and then started working out. But since starting no-PMO, I've been exercising like my life depended on it and the results are impressive (more testosterone?). I have to admit I love when guys half my age (I'm 42) check me out or ask for advice/spots. Rather than be an *sshole like some bigger guys at the gym, no-PMO I'm genuinely nicer and more sociable with people, even outside of the gym. It also helps that I put the phone/earbuds away and interact with others rather than work out like I'm surfing porn with weights. It's a welcome change.

Later work/motivation fizzled, although sales/business is strong. Perhaps the day fizzled because we decided to buy/decorate the Xmas tree. Kids don't have school Wednesday afternoons where we live in Europe.  Still remain on good terms with my ex-wife, although I tend to zone out now when she unleashes her arsenal of tears, guilt, shame (or 'TGS' as I call it). Today our daughter was feeling a bit blue as this will be our last family 'together' as our divorce will likely be finalized next spring. The ex was going on about this and I cut her off, "I refuse to see [our daughter] as a victim. She'll make it through this if we give her the tools to cope." That ended the conversation rather handily. It was another day of no PMO although I'm finding myself rather horny these days. Will be spending the whole weekend with my BF, which led me to some less than pure thoughts and a strong urge to rub one out. But resisted so I'm still a no-fap warrior!

So it'll just be me, my untouched boner, and a good book tonight before bed. I've also given up TV (just low-grade porn these days anyway) and I find that has done wonders for both my intellect and sleep. Thanks to all for your encouragement.  I wish everyone a healthy and no-PMO rest of the day. I'd also like to send a shout out to all of the guys fighting this terrible addiction. Although I try to keep a positive and fun outlook, I know the depths of this addiction and am thinking of you all. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 04, 2014, 12:51:59 AM
Day 36: I'm 10% of the way to my goal of one year without PMO! I am both motivated and scared by this lofty target. Will I make it? Do I have what it takes? I'm worried about letting my guard down and finding myself robotically searching porn websites. I've quit in the past, sometimes for weeks/months, but always found myself back in front of the computer, pants-down, rubbing one out in at the office. Best to focus on daily victories rather than defeats I guess. In other news, my ex and kids will be moving late December which would probably leave me sad and alone for New Years. (They'll be moving to my ex-wife's hometown about 12 kms / 8 miles away.) I've always found New Years Eve a bit of a disappointment so I decided to take action. I live in Europe and looked for a cool (yet inexpensive) destination and chose Israel. "Why the f*ck not?" I thought to myself. I haven't traveled on my own in almost 24 years so this will be a bit of an adventure. I land in Tel Aviv, then Jerusalem for New Years, then down to the Red Sea for kitesurfing and scuba diving. I'm SOOOOOO looking forward to it. After years of tolerating my sh*tty marriage and managing the kids on holidays, I can now do whatever I want. This both scares and thrills me. Have a great and porn free day everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Beachy on December 04, 2014, 12:57:30 AM
That's great Lyon. Life is an adventure after all so go for it. Stay strong.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 04, 2014, 04:28:50 PM
Day 36 (cont'd). Tired. Off to bed. Today was a bit of a white knuckle situation to reach my work goals. In addition to no PMO, I'm working very hard to muscle up my work/concentration skills. I'm ohhh so close to my goal of a regular 8 hours of uninterrupted work (I time it with a stopwatch). PMO is more than just soul-destroying, it also makes your brain lazy/flabby. I had the muscles but now needed to exercise my mind which had grown accustomed to a steady diet of porn and reality TV. While it pains me to write this, 'The Real Housewives' series was one of my favourites. 

Once my withdrawal symptoms stopped, I needed to relearn how to work because my dopamine-addicted brain had zero concentration. Don't believe me? Read on. Given how I attacked my porn addiction (learning facts rather than fiction) I devised a plan. I set a goal, 8 hours/day of work, and gamely timed my attention span. Cut to day 1. My attention span was....a f*cking pathetic 3 mins. Because of my years of click-click-jack-cum at the office, I had the attention span of a duck. Well quack quack motherf*cker. Now 10 days later, I just clocked a solid 6 hours of continuous work with my record being 2 hours of non-stop work. So I've gone from 3 mins of concentration to 120 mins (a 3900% increase). Duck you porn!

So I'm working my muscles at the gym and more importantly working my mind. No more porn and no more reality TV. If I have downtime, I read a book.

As for porn. It's over. I'm done with it. While only on day 36, I know PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. I feel reborn. While I remember the person I was, I'll never go back to being that whiny little b*tch. I was wasting my life and the lives of those close to me by jacking to a screen. I was no longer a father. I was a porn junkie with kids, no better than a toothless meth-head. Now I can look myself in the mirror. In fact, I saw myself at the gym today and was like, "DAMN! That's a tight body."

All kidding aside, life is so much better without the porn I can't believe it. For everyone suffering during reboot, there is hope. If a 42-year old gay (yet closeted) lifetime porn addict who lives overseas and is divorcing (take that Oprah!) like me can turn body and mind around, you young 'uns can do it too. Stay strong everyone and thanks for reading. 
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Rex on December 04, 2014, 06:15:44 PM
lyon03,

You are so right about the brain fog.  I am 6 days PMO free and the usual brain fog is gone.  I am finding my thoughts are sharp and I am multitasking and getting things done faster and more efficiently compared to just a few days ago.  The times when I would go on a PMO marathon usually after I would go cold turkey for a couple of days, I would be like a zombie staring into space most of the day.  I couldn't get anything done my brain was so numb.

Good job keeping yourself busy going to the gym and staying away from the TV shows and movies.  I can't tell you how many times I would see a good looking woman in a TV show or movie nude or scantly dressed, and those images would pop into my head later that evening or the next day pushing me to fall into PMO. 



And congrats on getting to day 36 free from PMO.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: 2heal on December 04, 2014, 07:17:04 PM
This is such an inspirational and motivating journal.  Thanks for sharing.  You've convinced me I need to work harder in the gym (and otherwise) - diverting my attention from porn and MO to something constructive.  I've been through so much of what you have described, it's almost uncanny.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Jaystock on December 05, 2014, 12:03:34 AM
Everything  you talk about lyon is me. I really  like the part about concentration. I've noticed  a huge change in mine. I can listen to people,  and understand them. It's almost  like I can hear better
 I know that sounds odd.  My life is so much better  I'd love to have some sex, or rub one out. I'm not going to
 I think that wouldn't  be good for me
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 05, 2014, 02:40:11 AM
Day 37: Good morning and thank you for your kind posts. I find the encouragement very helpful. Today will be another nail in the coffin of my PMO habit. The addiction is dead, embalmed, and soon to be buried FOREVER. I like myself and my life too much without PMO to go back. And even if I relapse, I now have the tools and lifestyle to keep porn out of my life long-term.

Today is going to be a GREAT day. As I've written before, I'm battling to win back my concentration. Just 10 days ago my attention span was a paltry 3 mins. I've since built that up to 2 hours at a shot. Today I'm going to go the full 8 hours of solid work. That's not just 8 hours of being at the office, that's 8 hours of non-stop (and timed) work. I'll check in later today with my victory message. Then it's off to spend the weekend with my BF and work off all of this sexual energy I've been building up for the past week.

It feels very good to be alive.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 06, 2014, 06:46:57 AM
Day 38: quick post as I'm spending the weekend with my BF. All clean/sober here. Will post more Monday PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 06, 2014, 07:37:16 PM
Hi Lyon,

Hope the weekend is going well with the BF! Read through your journal. Man, you have had to deal with a lot between the wife, kids, and in-laws! It's amazing that you had the discipline to keep beating this addiction while coming out and going through a divorce. One of the big reasons I failed in my last attempt was the stress of finishing my dissertation. But this has to be nothing to coming out and the divorce. I've found your post really inspiring!
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Poker on December 06, 2014, 09:57:23 PM
Have a good weekend friend....  you deserve it.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 07, 2014, 07:49:59 AM
Day 39: All clear/sober here. Wishing you the same. Thanks for your kind posts. Will post more Monday. Love to all.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 07, 2014, 04:20:10 PM
Day 39 (cont'd): Back at home and on the computer so I wanted to post an update. WARNING: I am gay and this post refers to gay sex. If that's a problem, please take your fist and hit yourself in the face until you understand that me liking men is not a choice, nor proof of moral bankruptcy, and won't turn you, nor anyone you care about, gay. 

Still PMO free and very proud to be a no-fap warrior! Had an AMAZING weekend with the BF and his great group of friends. (He lives about an hour away from me in the nearest city.) My work goals got shot to sh*t Friday as I was able to leave early for the weekend. After years of PMO, my concentration is sh*t and I'm slowly retraining my brain to work. For others who have gone through this, it's not easy. I am still confident I'll meet my goal of 8 continuous hours of work/day (that's timed, not wanking at my desk) this coming week and will keep you posted.

Getting back to the weekend, I'm working very hard to be more generous, a better listener, and generally not a PMO b*tch. I feel I'm getting there and this weekend was fantastic on so many levels. My BF had a friend staying in his guestroom and the walls are so thin we never had sex. In the past, this would have made me as pouty as a wronged boozy girlfriend at prom. But this time, NO PROBLEM. It was actually fun being intimate through just kiss and touch. PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary. As such, my body wouldn't even react to porn. Well just 39 days PMO-free, I get rock hard through such wonderful senses as touch and smell. I feel like I have the d*ck sensitivity of a 14-year old. The downside of a teen-like heavy petting session was such painful blueballs I actually walked with a pronounced limp for 30 mins. Anyhow, we'll see each other again Wednesday which will be a welcome relief.

While important, there is much more to life than just sex. This weekend was the first time in years that I listened to people, shared openly and honestly, and was genuinely being myself. Smokers often say that when they quit smoking, their taste buds light up. They forget how delicious food can be without the cigarettes. I think porn is like that with your emotions. Until I stopped using porn, I had forgotten how rich and delicious life can be.

Thanks for reading. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

   

Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: nobother on December 07, 2014, 05:02:58 PM
 PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary.

Well put.  Gay or straight porn robs us.  We are here to take it back and not repeat the behaviors that started this crap.

Congrats on your recovery.  You sign off with "Stay strong.  PORN IS NOT AN OPTION"  Well, I say Amen to that.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: horpio on December 07, 2014, 05:26:01 PM
 8) Sounds great lyon3. Life is good.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 08, 2014, 04:56:49 AM
Day 40!!! For all fellow Christians out there, this is a very symbolic number. 40 days and 40 nights no PMO. While surprised I've made it this far, I worked harder at killing my addiction than I have on anything else. While still a newbie, I can sum up my baby steps of sobriety in the following phases:

PHASE 1: WTF! I had quit many times before so this phase felt a bit like anticipation.
PHASE 2: Withdrawal/education. My brain started f*cking with me to get its fix, but I beat that down by learning everything about porn addiction. Knowledge 1 / Withdrawal 0.
PHASE 3: Drunk chick at prom. This was an emotional roller coaster. I went from euphoric to crying at Sia's 'Chandelier' (at the gym no less.) Very very angry at the addiction.
PHASE 4: Early recovery. I started to gain confidence and reconnect with people. Post-withdrawal, I realized the extent of my addiction and the damage it had done to my life. This is a more reflective stage. Life had colour, taste, and texture again.

So that's where we are today. Happy, somewhat nervous, but every day gaining the strength and confidence to rebuild a life without the porn addiction. I'll keep posting daily until at least 90 days and hopefully will drop my crutches and run again. Thanks for reading and stay strong. PORN IS NOT A F*CKING OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on December 08, 2014, 07:24:38 AM
Dear Lyon03 -

I am gobsmacked with your journey. You, my out-and-living-an-authentic-life-of-honesty-and-acceptance-of-ALL-your-beautiful-faults have got your sh*t if not together, at least in small accountable piles.

Addicts are, in my single-subject research experience, willful and narcissistic selfish beasts when it comes to demanding everyone hold their secrets or at least endure the secret-protecting boundaries of behavior that fortify the entitlement of the addiction and thus keeping true and authentic recovery in the future rather than in the here and now. That may be too long and grammatically manky for embroidery on a dish-towel or a snappy quote line, but I believe it to be true after about 500 days as a recovering SO.

Here are the highlights that I admire about you -

You understand that honesty is the only path to true intimacy. Coming out to your wife and the significant people in your life wasn't easy I imagine, but you recognize the cost of keeping secrets for yourself and others. You have bulldozed through the secrets, for yourself and your loved ones, a pathway for honest relationships. Many addicts will keep their secret life secret (often poorly), leading to mistrust and poor or non-existent intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual). Many will defend not telling the SO and then blame the SO for not engaging. The people you care about might not understand now what a gift honesty is, but that is what it is - a rare gift.

You have claimed ownership of your own spirituality. Your being, the way you choose to relate and accept other beings in the world is powerful. In this regard you shine on, you crazy diamond.

You are courageous in your love and respect.
I read one of your posts and was blown away with the compassion and brutal honesty you offered to another wounded person. I ache for all to have this level of courage. Walking on eggshells got most of us here. Too many of us, addicts and SO's alike, think that kind of delicate dance is respect for others. Walking on eggshells or around the truth is not respect; it sure isn't love.

That's all for now, because I don't want to seem like I'm blowing sunshine here or starting a fan-cult. I just hope you sprinkle that good ju-ju around.

Have a great week.
SORP
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 08, 2014, 07:46:46 AM
As I just messaged, thanks sister. I am a bit self-conscious for two reasons: first, I've actually become a cautionary tale; and second, your post is longer and more eloquent than anything I've ever written here. For your next share, please use more profanity, CAPS, and my favourite expressions like 'rub one out.' As you and others have long written here, recovery has two speeds: f*ck it ALL CHIPS IN or fold. Forty days ago, I was such a different person my journey is nothing short of a miracle. But you have to want the miracle, work for it, and stop bullsh*tting yourself. Addiction is nothing short of the longest, nastiest, and most pathetic death possible (akin to being beaten to death by a gang of French mimes). By challenging and beating addiction as you two courageously have, we choose to live, love, and perhaps hurt. But now I'd choose life's most exquisite pain to wasteful wanking to another badly-acted porn video. Keep spreading the word and good karma. Signed, your crazy diamond.   
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on December 08, 2014, 07:59:58 AM
I'm no brother, brother.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 08, 2014, 08:03:26 AM
Noted and corrected above. Thanks sister.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 08, 2014, 03:57:16 PM
Day 40: Just about to call it a day here in Europe. While business was good, I'm still struggling with getting to my 8 hour workday. BUT I WILL CONQUER!!! And it's starting to seriously piss me off which is usually when I take action. Will keep posting about this latest struggle. When I get pouty, I unfortunately tend to offload (either virtually or in person) on my ex-wife which is the oldest trick in the addict's playbook. But now I've learned to just walk away. She too needs to heal after years of abuse and neglect the poor thing.

This is a note to all married Rebooters:

1. Your wives are not responsible for your porn addiction so stop blaming them.
2. Her (insert strange medical condition) preventing her from having sex with you is bullsh*t.
3. She made up the (insert strange medical condition) because women don't find porn addict husbands desirable.
4. Accept full responsibility for your addiction, tell your wife everything, apologize genuinely and profusely, get a sponsor/accountability partner, post daily, stop PMOing and heal.

I know from experience. No one is a better liar than I was: a closeted gay husband with a porn addiction. With a resume like that, who wants me over for Christmas dinner? I worked in mistruths like Renaissance painters work in oils. Here is another secret: your wives can smell the bullsh*t a mile away. But the glass houses rule certainly applies. A divorcing gay dad and former PMO addict shouldn't be throwing any stones.

So I'm going to read a bit and then get a good night's sleep to try for my 8-hour day again tomorrow. I have to admit, today was a struggle. Dealing with the kids, the ex, their impending move, my daughter's morning tears all tested me today. But I didn't give in because PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Thanks for reading!


 

 




Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 08, 2014, 06:27:45 PM
Hey Lyon,

I got behind over the weekend on reading your post but sounds like a lot has happened! But, for what it's worth, the most pressing thought that comes to mind is about the focus issues. After 40 clean days, my gut feeling is that the brain fog should have cleared (and I'm sure a lot of it has). But I do have one question: how's your diet? For me personally, I can't focus/work for shit if I'm loaded with carbs. If your diet is okay, it makes me wonder if you have adult ADD (I have ADD, so not casting stones here). When I'm off my meds, I can't get shit done! Just a thought-I hope this doesn't offend you. I only hate to see you beat yourself up if it's a medical issue.

The other thing that blew me away is your Christianity! I know I'll get some hate for this, but it always shocks me to find gay Christians, considering what the church has done (and still does in many cases) to our kind. I know this isn't true of all Christians, but it is certainly true of Catholics and most Protestant demoninations in the US. It's a little bit like an African American joining the KKK (question: are "African Americans"/black people called African Americans in Europe???). Anyway, not trying to start some drama, but would love to hear your response to this (and sorry for deviating from the focus of this forum)!

Oh, and the other thing that really hit me was your statement "As you and others have long written here, recovery has two speeds: f*ck it ALL CHIPS IN or fold." That is so true! And it scares me, because you can be all hardcore and then boom, you fuck up. So fast. But this isn't something that lends itself to half-adding it, so all we can do is move forward.

Btw, despite your résumé, I would invite you to Christmas dinner. :)

GRINDR IS NOT AN OPTION!
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 08, 2014, 08:20:23 PM
I appreciate that you can be an inspiration to others (myself especially included for the PAA suggestion) even in the midst of a rough day. Glad to see you made it through. I suppose it helps us to get out of our self-centered minds to come and post on other rebooters' journals. Shared experiences bond us together.
"We happy few, we band of brothers."
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 09, 2014, 01:24:28 AM
Day 41: Morning all! That's it. Today is the day. Today will be my 8-hour workday even if I have to kill someone. Yesterday I was starting to relapse into b*tch mode. I now understand that my triggers are guilt and isolation. Not going to go down that road anymore. My ex-wife, lovely woman that she is, got out the snippers and made a play to cut off my b*lls yet again but I've miraculously grown them back overnight. She charged up her arsenal of tears, guilt and shame (or 'TGS' as I call them) but I survived. So the no-PMO warrior has returned! Three weeks until my solo trip to Israel and everything is planned. 3 nights Jerusalem (including New Year's), 3 nights in the Red Sea resort of Eilat for scuba diving, kite surfing, and poolside drinks, and a night in Tel Aviv (Israel's gay capital) before flying back home. Can't bloody wait. Love and prayers to all. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!   
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 09, 2014, 04:58:17 AM
Just wanted to respond to Johngalt:

1. Religion/Faith: I'm no bible-thumper brother. I'm actually a lapsed Catholic who loathes going to church....too boring. But through another program, I've understood there is a higher power and that by giving over to God/community/others, you battle the selfishness that feeds addiction. Unfortunately, faith is linked to conservative (read: anti-gay) politics in the US but not so in most European countries like where I live. So while I talk the talk, I'm no evangelist (I hope!) but realize that being gay is a gift, and that my God loves me. This helps me love myself. 

2. Diet: I'm a healthy eater and now exercise freak. But you got me thinking. I did have a rather boozy and sleepless weekend with my BF and a group of friends. So I'm going to cut down on the booze, or perhaps give it up, and get lots of rest. I caught up last night and feel like a new man.

3. Xmas: I accept your invitation. But only if you stay off Grindr.

Love D.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 09, 2014, 04:14:02 PM
Day 41: Ooohhhhh so close. I made it to about 6.5 hours of continuous work before stopping. I have another rule of shutting down the screens/work/internet around 10 p.m. so I can relax for an hour before heading off to bed. But I'm still pretty happy with the results. Just a few weeks ago, I could only concentrate for 3 mins without clicking around the internet...indirectly looking for a porn fix. I now find my concentration has grown by leaps and bounds. While I still have yet to reach my holy grail of 8 hours, I'm no longer white-knuckling it with eyes riveted on my stopwatch. But I'm only 1.5 hours away. Actually I'm happy to concentrate on something else, namely work, other than my porn addiction. In other news, had a great (and private) lunch with the kids at my place, they are so sweet and well-behaved, then super workout at the gym (although I overworked my shoulders) and then some strong sales back at the office. Is this what normal feels like? Thanks for reading everyone. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 10, 2014, 12:11:49 AM
Day 42: Good morning Reboot nation! Fitful night's sleep last night. Had divorce on the brain and couldn't fall asleep which is the first time in almost a month that I didn't just doze off. (I'm currently separated from the mother of my 3 wonderful children.) But even after just 5-6 hours sleep, I have tons of energy this morning. That's what happens I guess when you don't feed your brain a steady diet of porn, junky reality TV, and guilt. However, I do feel guilty about going off on another Rebooter in a post yesterday. In retrospect, I was really posting/yelling at my former self rather than encouraging this poor man who is in the early stages of recovery. I was rightfully reprimanded by the website's moderator and will now send a message of apology to this guy. Anger is the tip of relapse so I don't want to go there. On a more positive note, it's my boyfriend's birthday today so we'll be having lunch together....and hopefully some post-lunch dessert together at his place as well. Enough dirty talk. I'm still committed to working my solid 8 hours at the office today. I made it to 6.5 hours yesterday and won't give up. I've tamed the PMO, now I need to get back to work. The countdown has also started for my trip to Israel: just 3 weeks to go! Can't wait. Be well everyone and thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 10, 2014, 03:39:33 PM
Day 42 (cont'd): Damn great day. GAY SEX ALERT Still haven't reached my elusive goal of working 8 full (and timed) hours at the office but I'll get there...even if it kills me. Had a nice interruption to my work day by having lunch at my BF's apartment to celebrate his birthday. He's just turned 18. Gotcha! He's actually 43 (I'm 42). He's such a great guy: honest; handsome; and very very good to me. While I'm still PMO-free and committed to living a life without XXX-vids and death-grip masturbation, I now have another incentive: PMO-free sex is the best thing ever. While in the depths of addiction, I cringe to write that I treated partners a bit like computer screens: it was all about me; mental porn fantasies to stay hard; and of course my orgasm obsession. Natural sex is a bit like eating chocolate for the first time, a delicious and sensual delight. It's wonderful to take your time, focus completely on your partner, forget about your wood, and just enjoy. The result was the strongest orgasm I've ever had. I was almost embarrassed at the strength, quantity, and my volume level. "You almost knocked my picture off the wall," said the BF. I could have high-fived myself. It had been a very long time since I'd felt such an intimate connection with someone. Mild post-sex chaser with a strongish urge to masturbate this evening but then decided to post here. All in all a great day and hope you are having the same. While I had a fun day, my thoughts go out to all the other members struggling with this terrible addiction. I'll make a point to reach out to a few of them before I call it a day. Stay strong brothers. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Pheonix on December 10, 2014, 04:05:09 PM
Ive had the same experience lyon. The volume of and power of my orgasms is shocking (and surprising to my partner!). One of the nice things about having real sex and leaving the fake stuff behind.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 11, 2014, 12:41:46 AM
Day 43: Good morning Reboot nation! Just my morning check in from Europe. I finally caught up on my sleep and feel like the worst days of porn-induced insomnia and TV addiction are behind me. During the darkest days of my addiction, I'd scurry around the internet all day at work, edge/masturbate for an hour or two a day, and then feel guilty about it. Then to wind down, at home I'd watch some mindless soft-porn reality show like 'Gigolos' and finally fall asleep at 2-3 a.m. only to re-start the whole messy process the next day. I am astounded at how many years I wasted in this mode. I have come to understand my porn triggers: alcohol; lack of sleep; anger; and poor self-esteem. Alcohol and lack of sleep I can control. While there is alcoholism in my family on my mother's side, I've never been a heavy drinker which is why when I do indulge like I did last weekend, it knocks me on my *ss. So I'm going to cut down on that. As for sleep, I now shut off the screens promptly at 10:15 p.m., read for 45 mins, and then bed at 11. I then wake up without an alarm at around 5:45 or 6:00 a.m. as I did today. Anger I now understand is largely caused by resentment for those who have hurt me in the past. As for my self-esteem, I also understand that my confidence issues are my responsibility. Full stop. I hated myself and chose to let people mistreat me in my daily life (like the ex-wife who I've posted about too much I admit). While there can be cruelty on the part of others, I have to accept I wrote, directed, and casted the play that was my former porn-soaked life. So blaming these actors is absurd. Through my actions, I more or less wrote their lines. They were just playing the parts I gave them. I understand that now and accept 100% that self-esteem starts with me. You teach others how to treat you. I now respect myself and will demand no less of others. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: chris73 on December 11, 2014, 02:57:40 AM
Great post, lyon! You made me think that I also have been tired of my routine of an internet addicted - especially when I moved to the new country and bought a smartphone. After that, internet started ruling my life.

You said that people were only playing the parts you gave them. Wisdom words, I learned from it. People just mirror and react to our behavior, whatever it is.

Keep going bro, and congrats for the 42nd day! This too shall pass!
Title: Re: 30 days porn free. F*ck that was hard.
Post by: Pheonix on December 11, 2014, 03:12:47 PM
Day 31: Natural horniness like today is a gift. I didn't want to MO so I worked out...hard. And given the looks I got in the weight room, my muscles are growing nicely. Can I put another counter on my profile: stop being a total p*ssy? I cringe at the years I wasted with the "poor me" attitude. I used to be a strong willed and confident man. Porn reduced me to a limp dicked little boy. NO MORE. I am more that my addiction, wasting time tugging it in front of a computer screen. Is it wrong to hate my former self? Maybe but it motivates me. But I've moved from the piss and moan stage to getting really f*cking angry at my former addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Goodnight and thanks to everyone for your encouragement.

Hey Lyon - Great perspective. I feel the same way. I realize what a waste of a life I was living. I was a limp dicked pussy and it spread into my day to day life and took over my persona. Now I am strong, working out regularly, walking upright and confident, coarsing with testosterone, big fucking balls swinging. I know people notice me now and recognize my transformation. I am glad to be a man again.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: lyon03 on December 11, 2014, 05:14:26 PM
Day 43 (cont'd): Pheonix please watch both your language and big ball references lest I relapse. Just kidding brother. Let 'er rip! All clear here in Euroland as I wind down for bed. Another nail in the coffin of my porn addiction. Great day today with gym, work and the kids all to myself. Went to shower at the gym and was like, damn nice pecs! I'm not sure if others have experienced the same but I can only assume the no-PMO is helping with my body chemistry and muscle growth. I looked hot, that is until a guy walked in and saw me bare-*ssed checking myself out/flexing in the mirror like some Jersey Shore jack*ss. Still short of my 8-hour work goal for today but I'll fight that fight again tomorrow and the next day until I win. I'm doing a better job of disengaging from my ex and our toxic relationship so the kid exchange was all business today. Then home for dinner with the kids, bedtime stories, and card tricks: it was like something out of a Disney movie (albeit with a gay father). So nice to have the kids to myself and I find they're more relaxed without the elephant in the room when my ex and I are eating at the same table. So life/happiness 1: porn 0. Although I like to keep it light, I just want to send my love and prayers out to all those suffering through porn addiction. I hope my posts have helped others as much as your sharing/honesty has helped me. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: horpio on December 11, 2014, 06:14:18 PM
Hey buddy, I'll catch up on your journal over the weekend. There's a lot of stuff  ;D Have a great day.
Title: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 12, 2014, 03:04:02 AM
Yes I'm a rather prolific writer...Reboot's own Oscar Wilde. Day 44: Just 1 day shy of the very symbolic mid-way point of my 90 day (now 1 year) Reboot. My counter says I'm 12% of the way to a year without porn but how can you quantify getting your life back? Every day we are faced with choices, or perhaps forks in the road. Bad decisions lead you down the wrong path. A lifetime of bad decisions led me to contemplate suicide just last December. What a difference a day, 44 days, or a year makes. I now understand that porn wasn't all that was wrong in my life. It was simply the manifestation of a state of mind. I started the path of healing last year. Along the way porn, anonymous sex, a broken marriage, and toxic people simply didn't fit. Last spring I started to feel the disconnect and looking back that was when the real healing started. Unlike the younger guys posting on this website, while we 40+ PMO addicts may get our boners back more quickly, I think we have a lot more emotional damage to deal with once the porn fog lifts. I'm navigating this minefield now. It's like backtracking along the path to your starting point. We have to go back through all of our wrong decisions and deal with them. I'm now back where I started 20 years ago and understand all of my problems stem from denying, hiding, and lying about my sexuality. Incredible that this one wrong decision led me down the path of addiction and shame. I'm ready to walk the path of truth. Yes there will be wrong decisions and wrong turns, however porn will no longer obscure my destination. At every wrong turn, I'll detect and correct it more quickly and honestly without the porn fog. This will ensure I follow the right path to a shining life of happiness and fulfillment. Yes I'll lose my way from time to time, we all do, but I'll never go back to the person I was. So I'm going to focus a bit less on my d*ck, the counter, and avoiding PMO, I'd rather keep my eyes fixed on the horizon, following my path to enlightenment. Wax on! Stay strong everyone. DARKNESS IS NOT AN OPTION. 

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 12, 2014, 03:06:17 PM
Day 44: End of the day here in Europe. This was a rather ho-hum week. I had a mild urge to PMO this afternoon but just danced in my office to loud music to ward it off (don't judge!). I think that was a chaser from all the hotties at the gym today. I swear I go to the gym just to eye-f*ck. I also got hard thinking about my BF while showering at the gym but left it untouched as I'm committed to no-fap forever. (In Europe they have individual rather than communal showers so I wasn't sporting wood in front of anyone else.) I'm a complete hypocrite for referring to my junk so much in this post but I do have a point. Just over a month ago, nothing short of a crane could sustain my erection so getting a spontaneous boner thinking about someone I love was a welcome development. Yea phallus! In other news, I'm still not getting any liftoff for my 8-hour/day work plan. Continued failure in this department was making me a bit b*tchy so I'm going to shake it up next week by: 1. Planning my week down to the minute; and 2. Setting smaller goals: working 4 hours Monday; 4.5 hours Tuesday; 5 hours Wednesday; 5.5 hours Thursday; and 6 hours Friday. Once I work an entire week 6 hours/day, I'll then up it to 7, then 8. If anyone has tips, books, or Youtube vids you can recommend about concentration/motivation, I'd love to hear from you. Anyhow Rebootnation, that's it for me this week. I wish everyone a happy and PMO-free weekend. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.



 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 13, 2014, 11:16:23 AM
Hi Lyon,

Sounds like you are crushing it with no PMO! Glad to here that your junk is making progress. ;)

Regarding your 8-hour work day goal, does that include lunch/breaks? Or are you trying to work a solid 8-hours straight (with no interruption). When you say you are failing at your goal, what do you mean? Are you messing around in the Internet, talking to co-workers, etc.? Regardless, I've heard a lot of people talk about meditating really helping focus and discipline. If you don't already, this might help (can't speak from experience, it's a goal of mine, but I haven't committed to it yet).

Take it easy!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on December 13, 2014, 03:47:17 PM
Day 44: End of the day here in Europe. This was a rather ho-hum week. I had a mild urge to PMO this afternoon but just danced in my office to loud music to ward it off (don't judge!). I think that was a chaser from all the hotties at the gym today. I swear I go to the gym just to eye-f*ck. I also got hard thinking about my BF while showering at the gym but left it untouched as I'm committed to no-fap forever. (In Europe they have individual rather than communal showers so I wasn't sporting wood in front of anyone else.) I'm a complete hypocrite for referring to my junk so much in this post but I do have a point. Just over a month ago, nothing short of a crane could sustain my erection so getting a spontaneous boner thinking about someone I love was a welcome development. Yea phallus! In other news, I'm still not getting any liftoff for my 8-hour/day work plan. Continued failure in this department was making me a bit b*tchy so I'm going to shake it up next week by: 1. Planning my week down to the minute; and 2. Setting smaller goals: working 4 hours Monday; 4.5 hours Tuesday; 5 hours Wednesday; 5.5 hours Thursday; and 6 hours Friday. Once I work an entire week 6 hours/day, I'll then up it to 7, then 8. If anyone has tips, books, or Youtube vids you can recommend about concentration/motivation, I'd love to hear from you. Anyhow Rebootnation, that's it for me this week. I wish everyone a happy and PMO-free weekend. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

LOL, "watcher getting too chummy with that thing, Harry, it will lead you on terrible adventures!" I know your name isn't Harry, but it sounds better than Lyon when I read that sentence aloud. Forgive me, I do not have a penis, but I do have ears to hear myself read aloud. I suspect you have two ears and some squishy matter between them and that is probably very notable too, if we are praising body parts.

Anyway, I think every man should be friends with his member, but steer clear of any kind of financial or directional advice from the dang thing. You two have been friends for much longer than you and the ex-wife or the current bf and it is perfectly natural to be proud it is behaving like a proper friend with prickly leather baggage. Just don't get into a co-dependent friendship with the thing. It will borrow money, visit you at work or odd hours and drink all the good liquor (or at least the feel good drugs from your brain) AND expect you to lie and make excuses. You are so much smarter than that, Harry.

You seem like a good dad and that has nothing to do with your penis, everything to do with manhood.

I am listening to "Paddle Your Own Canoe" by Nick Offerman on audible and laughing a lot. I listened to "Six to Eight Black Men" read and written by David Sedaris (it's on you tube) as my holiday treat and laughed my self silly. I love David Sedaris. I'm not going to make any penis/reboot suggestions because you can't paddle a canoe with one of those and frankly, that topic isn't as funny as David Sedaris. Live a little.

Kind regards,
SORP
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 13, 2014, 04:49:32 PM
Day 45: Well hot damn I'm mid-way through my 90-day reboot! I have to agree with other Rebooters that while the first 30 were truly white-knuckle and somewhat reminiscent of the withdrawal scene from 'Trainspotting' (check it out), time really flew from 30-45. I can only hope to maintain the same momentum through 60, 90, and beyond. While at 45 I'm still a relative newbie, I am committed to remaining PMO free for the rest of my life. With me it's not maybe, although I've done that many many times before, this time it was a question of life or death. When I think of myself a year ago, I am both scared and humbled that yanking in front of a computer screen had so f*cked with my brain that I actually contemplated suicide. It feels like another person. So while I will forever be a recovering PMO addict, I am no longer porn's b*tch. And to prove it, I survived the ultimate temptation today. I was surfing some gay-related newspaper articles earlier today when a large number of borderline pornographic images suddenly appeared on the right side of my screen. It had zero effect. I simply shut down the page and went on with my day. Me 1 Porn 0. Here is a quick list of positive changes I've seen over the last 45 days of no porn, no masturbation, and no TV. 

- Much happier and, most importantly, feel I deserve to be happy
- Sleeping better
- Concentration getting better (see below)*
- Working harder/more motivated
- Brain more hungry for knowledge to the point that I now find movies (I've watched 2 in the last month) boring compared to books or stimulating conversation
- No more video games (just another form of porn-like stimulation)
- Less cellphone addiction (I no longer obsessively text or check my texts, less texting at the wheel and put my phone away at the gym)
- More confidence
- Better listener
- Healthier diet and better skin
- More sociable and in tune with other's emotions
- I engage in conversation with people now and ask their names
- Patient with my kids and just there for them
- Less conflict/blaming with my ex-wife
- Less of a self-centred and whiny b*tch than before
- Less of a need to please others at all cost
- Much better at avoiding or removing toxic people from my life (scraped off the negative in-laws for example)
- Muscle growth at gym has taken off which I can only attribute to perhaps more testosterone
- Erectile dysfunction gone
- Very intense orgasms (almost embarrassingly so)
- Greater intimacy during sex as I am more in tune with my partner
- Absolutely zero pressure to maintain erection nor orgasm during sex making it more carefree and enjoyable than I can honestly remember

So I can write that I like myself more PMO-free. There are however areas that I still need to work on:

- Concentration/motivation: Porn killed both so I'm trying to rebuild my work ethic day by day. This is still a work in progress and is my next challenge. Just to clarify, my goal is 8 hours/day of timed work. Not scr*wing the dog at the office. But actually hours worked. 
- Still have tendency to blame others, namely my ex-wife, which is a classic addict's tool. Also have a minor blips of "why me" after years of porn addiction.
- Working to not talk over people via interrupting or saying in my head: "Come on and finish!" so I can make my point as quickly as possible.

So on the whole, I feel like I'm getting there. Porn takes away self-esteem. I now understand that loving yourself is truly the key to everything (confidence, success, intimacy). Hate yourself as I did and you just invite hateful people into your life. So that's me so far. Thanks for reading. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 13, 2014, 10:12:40 PM
Hi Lyon. Actually I don't know if I should now call you Crazy Diamond, Oscar Wilde or Harry ;D Reading the last week's posts and replies was like a roller coaster ride. One moment biting my nails, the next laughing out loud, then deeply touched by your honesty and celebration of true progress. I bet you're a great dad and partner.

If you haven't read "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Steven Covey" yet, I'll recommend that. Seeing that you started reading. I find it a book of great wisdom, taking me back to age old universal principles. I learn something new with each re-read. And it might have some tools to help you with the 8-hour week project.

Wish you the best as always.
 
PS. I'm glad you haven't killed someone yet  ;)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 14, 2014, 04:02:22 AM
Day 46: Thanks for the book advice Horpio. I'll get it today. Good morning from the People's Republic of Europe. I loved this line from a Tina Fey monologue: "Obamacare combines older white American's biggest fears: socialized medicine; a black person; and websites." No seeking, urges nor close calls during the night. I had a nice evening last night taking my son (12) and his best friend to a movie, "The Hobbit" then dinner. The movie is like a 3-hour porn scene if you replaced d*cks with swords and orgasms with overacted deaths. I nodded off during one of the many many battle scenes: I think some troll was riding a pig unless that was some sort of drug relapse. I'm kind of over movies and TV as I stopped watching the tube early on in my re-set. Anyhow, after dropping his friend off I had a good chat with my son while driving home. We talked about  the divorce, life, the future etc. He's a great kid, very thoughtful and mature. In the early stages of recovery, I lamented destroying my children's lives to a point that I simply made everything about myself once again. That reminded me of this Tony Robbin's quote: "See things as they are, not worse than they are." In my need to feed guilt, shame, and my overblown ego, I blew my impending divorce out of proportion. I had become the PMO Norma Desmond. Well I finally got sick of being such a diva and started being a dad, businessman, and supportive ex-husband. Hopefully that will continue. Unlike my boozy weekend last week, I slept better this weekend. Although last night I was up rather late on this site and another posting and generally sharing my fabulousness. One thing I forgot to mention during my withdrawal was the 11-year-old bladder. I was p*ssing like a racehorse. Now I'm a big pants boy and can make it through the entire night just peeing in the morning. I also rather enjoy having to sit while peeing because of welcome morning wood. Ahhh the boner. I have to admit knowing that the lovely SO Reboot Partner reads my posts made me feel a bit self-conscious because she's a woman. But all are welcome to my post except for the homophobic. I had some rather existential dreams last night. For the first time since I can remember, I actually dreamed about my ex-wife who strangely has largely been absent from my subconscious mind. Today will be a relaxed Sunday in the land of gay-marriage, high taxes, and socialized medicine. Next weekend I'm thrilled to be attending my long-term boyfriend's Xmas party as his +1. I went last year and had a blast. In fact, last year's Xmas party was the first time in my life that I had felt so happy, comfortable being gay, and accepted. This year promises to be just as much fun and I'm really looking forward to it. How nice to make plans, be a good father, and look forward to a work week of successes rather than just porn. Thanks for reading my rambling post. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 14, 2014, 04:58:43 PM
Day 46 (cont'd): All clean and sober here as I sign off for the day. Today reminded me of this one from Emerson: "People only see what they are prepared to see." I have learned more, cried more, laughed more, and just b*lls-out lived more in the last 45 days of no PMO than I think I have my entire life. But conquering my fears every day, saying no to my drug of choice every day, and posting here daily has helped with my journey back to life. Day by day, I am backtracking through the muck of every sh*tty life decision trying to claw my way back to the source - back to who I really am. Emerson also wrote something along the lines of 'Life's a journey, not a destination.' Today I confronted my worst fear: myself. I have avoided, blamed, rationalized, procrastinated, f*cked, cheated, lied, stolen, wanked, and done anything and everything to avoid the fact that I saw myself as worthless. That was my worst fear. I became that fear and surrounded myself with people who reinforced that fear. I fell into an addiction that fed my fear. Reboot and recovery for the 40+ are about backtracking to the beginning, to the source. You know where you're going but don't want to. You backtrack along a path slathered with the most evil muck imaginable. What sucks is you created this road and often turn back (through relapse for example). This is heavy going and all along you're confronted with your broken dreams, lives you've ruined, and soul-destroying regret. My journey led back to the beginning and waiting there for me was the most terrifying thing possible: a mirror. The mirror didn't reflect my addiction to porn, addiction is just a f*cking pothole along the way. I used addiction among other things to feed my fear of myself. I get it now. Last December I looked into that mirror and it almost killed me. Because that mirror reflected every mistake I'd ever made. I wasn't ready to confront my own shattered soul. But this year was different. Over the past year I've worked my *ss off, going through ALL of those mistakes, clawing my way along that mucky path back to the beginning. And today I just saw myself in the mirror. Just a guy standing there saying, "I love you." And just like that I no longer hate myself. Tomorrow is going to be a new beginning for me. I feel like tomorrow the second half of my life can really begin. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. LIFE IS THE ONLY OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 14, 2014, 11:26:26 PM
Very proud of you.... Um, brother.

;)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 15, 2014, 12:18:11 AM
Day 47: Up very early in Europe and just checking in. While I post here often, I feel like my porn habit is losing its volume. (I love my metaphors so here goes.) Porn was like carrying around the loudest and most obnoxious flashing ghetto blaster possible. In the thick of my addiction, the music and lights were so loud it blocked out everything else in my life. I imagined it belting out something like Gwar. I finally dropped this boom box 47 days ago when I started on the path of recovery. For the first few days, the music was very loud so I looked back A LOT. It was a f*cked up kind of longing. But as I gained distance, my senses picked up other things. Now 47 days later, the addiction has switched from industrial metal to Enya - a siren-like call to come back. (Thankfully I don't like Enya but hell I admire the effort.) So porn went from crowding out everything else in my life to now just a whisper in the distance. Once I gained back my senses, I started seeing the other people in my life like my kids. My daughter (10) really suffered because of my long neglect. But anytime she got emotional I came back with nothing but anger because she distracted me from myself and my booming addiction. Sundays are always the worst for my daughter because she spent an entire weekend with a distant father, family conflict, etc. Only now that porn wasn't occupying all of my senses, did I realize that I could make a change. And this weekend I did. I made a choice to just be with her rather than make her dance to my music. It was so nice to just sit with her, pet the family rabbit, and LISTEN. When she asked me to sit and chat with her again, I almost cried. Before bed, we had tea and cake together. I then chose to share with her that I'd be traveling to Israel for New Year's even though I hadn't told anyone else. It was a real moment and for the first time in I don't know how many Sundays, she went to bed with a smile rather than tears. Porn robs our loved ones of our attention. So I learned something yesterday. And while my porn-o-blaster is now playing another snappy tune, pleading so I come back, there is no turning back. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   



 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 15, 2014, 09:01:33 AM
Life is beautiful
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 15, 2014, 09:32:40 AM
Hi Lyon,

Great posts. Sounds like you are really going deep. It also sounds like you are fixing every area of your life, not just the PMO addiction. Isn't it amazing how tackling PMO spills over into improvements in completely unrelated goals? And so glad you had a great weekend with your daughter-that's what it's all about.

Congrats on 47 days! That's huge. I can't wait until I get that far along! :)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 15, 2014, 10:39:57 AM
I know the constant droning of objectification very well also Lyon. That longing that I have for porn certainly is a harsh realization of the deep wiring my brain has to PMO. It as though I am processing the death of a close friend. I miss it terribly some days. But then we start creating memories like the one you had with your daughter, deep and meaningful connections with the people we love. A more lasting high that doesn't have the side-effect of shame and guilt.

Maybe porn sites should have a list of side-effects similar to those pharmaceutical commercials on TV which you have to watch before you are allowed access. "Porn has been known to cause loose stools, diarrhea of the soul, miserable shrunken wiener, and death resulting from utter hopelessness and diminished self-confidence. Most users experience a warped worldview and eventually find themselves masturbating behind dumpsters. Ask your doctor if porn is right for you."
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 15, 2014, 12:23:05 PM
Thanks guys. You're the best (virtual) friends (without real names) this gay could ask for. Next stop, the village of surreal.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 15, 2014, 03:42:40 PM
Day 47 (cont'd): Today I worked a total of 5.5 solid hours (+1.5 hours more than the 4 hours I set as a work goal for today). I time it with a stopwatch and even stop the clock for bathroom breaks. But with victory also come failures. I posted earlier that things were getting better with my 10-year old daughter which was a victory for me. For some reason this seemed to anger my ex-wife...A LOT. I got a silent but mouthed 'F*CK YOU' from her this morning, more of the same at lunch, and a complete meltdown at dinner. I won't go into the details other than my ex and I got into it. Our battles always follow the same well-worth path so this time I simply chose to no longer participate in the argument. It felt a bit like sidestepping a runaway wagon. I listened, said I was going home, and went back to my apartment (we're neighbours during the separation.) She followed as I knew she would. I can't lie. I really enjoyed watching her yell herself hoarse, storm out, come back, and finally storm out again. She got very heated and personal. I just didn't engage whereas in the past I would have lost it. I remained calm in front of her but was deeply hurt by many of the things she said. The details aren't important but I did finally realize our marriage is now over, dead, and buried. I will NEVER let her or anyone else speak to me like that again. The upside is while that's the worst I've felt in my 47 days of sobriety; post-apocalypse I felt no urges, no seeking, no PMO. I am the warrior! Thank you God! Instead of fuming, I went for a relaxing walk, came home, and posted here. I'll sleep well tonight. Shooting for 5.5 hours tomorrow and will add another 30 mins a day until I reach my goal of 8 hours/day worked. Thanks for reading and stay strong nation. PORN IS NO LONGER A PART OF MY LIFE. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Jaystock on December 15, 2014, 06:09:14 PM
Your doing  good lyon. She's  just trying  to get a rise out of you. Don't let her. Just smile, and say I'm sorry  you feel that way. It takes the wind out of their sail. I wanted to thank you for supporting  me during  this difficult  time in my life. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION,  EVER
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Pheonix on December 15, 2014, 08:52:02 PM
Sounds like a rough day. That can be the hardest time to not fall back on old habits. Fortunately, you are strong in your recovery and relapse is not an option. Congratulations!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 15, 2014, 10:56:40 PM
I'm really sorry you had to go through that.  You did the right thing.   I wish I had the good sense to act like for some of the recent trials I've gone through

Stay strong my friend.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 16, 2014, 01:19:15 AM
Day 48: Thanks everyone. Still PMO-free here in Europe as I start my day. I had a really good sleep last night despite my ex-wife's meltdown. In a f*cked up way I'm thankful for the argument last night. During her hysterics, I had a sad yet clear thought: "We've spent 24 years of our lives together to reach this very point." Me the recovering porn addict; she the angry wronged wife with her own emotional issues. I think what made me sad was that I had ZERO feelings for this person...absolutely no love. I no longer felt guilty about our history so I saw things differently. Getting yelled at is never a happy moment, but I've been there so many times before I realized she gets off on castrating me. Well my junk's still in place honey so NEXT. I realized we can't be friends and have the best divorce possible. We just don't work. She's an addiction too so I have to cut her out of my life. Bye b*tch. (Maybe I should start a counter for 'days divorced and happy'!) Today I'm going to shoot for 6 hours of work (I updated my tally post-posting last night as I worked for another 30 mins). Something is changing with my work habits without porn. Yes I am still distracted and surfing the net a lot, but I no longer feel like, "Ugh now I have to work." I am starting to enjoy the time and effort of work again. So while on Youtube or a newspaper site, I now get bored and want to work which is a welcome change. It's like porn, movies and TV, I'm no longer interested. I've watched 2 movies in the last 48 days. I downloaded another Sunday night but never got around to it. In the heat of PMO addiction, I was a heavy consumer of reality TV. What a waste of time. In the love/happiness department, going to see the BF Saturday afternoon and then his company Xmas party in the evening. Can't wait for the week to end. It's not just about sex but more about spending time with someone I love. It feels great to live in a healthy and productive way for a change. Now I'm going to blow a rainbow out of my *ss and ride my unicorn to the gym. Thanks for reading. Stay strong nation! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chris73 on December 16, 2014, 10:10:48 AM
Thanks for sharing, lyon. Sorry for the bad time with your ex.. I dont know about you, but sometimes in the middle of such a discussion, I feel like watching some cheesy drama from outside, isnt it? (had the same moment Sunday night).

After all, this is the kind of crap that moves us to maturity, I think.

Keep going, man! Enjoy the good moments!
This too shall pass!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on December 16, 2014, 12:33:18 PM
50 days is right around the corner.

You are doing great!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 16, 2014, 12:52:03 PM
Hi Lyon,

Sorry about the drama with the ex. You just have to ride it out, and she'll be out of your life before you know it (except for juggling your kids of course). Wow, 24 years? I don't know how you did it, but I'm happy for you, now that it's finally over. You've already made huge progress-just think where you'll be a year from now--you won't even recognize yourself I bet!

So close to 50 days!!! Keep crushing it!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 16, 2014, 02:01:04 PM
Day 48: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Today was a bit of a wash work-wise...although I had high hopes. I'll probably only make it to 3 total hours worked. But I'm not going to get down on myself...that path leads to relapse and generally being a PMO b*tch. The altercation with my ex (see above) had a greater effect on me than I thought. God (who I personally see as Oprah Winfrey) is clearly testing me. But I am thankful for a few things today. Namely:

1. Staying PMO free and closing in on 50 days.
2. Feeling neither guilt nor shame about my life situation (although the b*tch tried like hell to take me there last night)
3. Lunch was just me with my three wonderful kids, calmly talking about what happened last night, and just being generally there for them. Listening is often the best medicine. 
4. Singing Xmas carols with my youngest (6).
5. Making the decision to NEVER fight with my ex again (we can now argue via Skype or text message). While you can YELL WITH CAPS it just lacks the same impact as live and in-person YELLING. She can fight with someone else for the second half of her life. I'm done being a "What's wrong honey? Huhhhhhnnnnn." p*ssy of a punching bag.
6. Meeting with a real estate agent and fully committing to buy the house of my dreams (I'm going to buy that f*cker if it kills me)
7. Sexy/playful phone talk with the BF and hearing how much he's looking forward to spending the weekend with me. Being desired/desirable is the biggest and most natural high possible.
8. Working out at the gym (chest day today), taking off my shirt before showering, and just saying, "Damn!" when you see the results of 3 hard years of lifting.
9. Younger guys stealing looks at you at the gym because you've developed a great body.
10. Paying a random compliment to a woman at the bakery and seeing her face light up.
11. Tea before bed with my daughter.
12. Posting here and making a positive contribution to other's lives.

That helped! So today wasn't a complete waste after all. I feel motivated to work a few more hours before bed. Thanks for reading everyone. And please keep commenting. Your words of encouragement feed my (gay) soul. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Pheonix on December 16, 2014, 03:37:26 PM
I love it. It is a great idea to make an effort to record what you are thankful for. It does wonders for your outlook! I am going to do that over on my journal.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 16, 2014, 11:40:37 PM
keep up the good attitude.  You're are on the right road.

Cheers!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 17, 2014, 01:25:56 AM
Day 49: Thanks boys. It warms my (pink) heart. I wanted to especially thank you Poker. Even when you're struggling with your own issues, I'm touched you'd take the time to post here. You're a good friend with a kind heart. Morning here in Europe before starting my day. Enjoying rock-hard (and yet untouched) boners bother during sleep and in the morning. What a great feeling to have an erection and think, "I could stay hard for hours." Whereas porn just gave me guilt and a limp noodle. Just when feeling triumphant about closing in on 50 days (tomorrow), I'm humbled. I read a post from another member who made it to 50 and then relapsed again and again. I am scared by what he wrote. It reminded me that while we may mechanically stop the addiction, porn/booze/drugs, we also have to kill what fuels the addiction. I've made a bit of a study of relapsing, call me crazy because it is, and Rebooters seem to follow the same path.

1. They reach a milestone and get cocky, "I got this beat!"
2. They stop posting or isolate themselves.
3. They rationalize to test themselves, "I'll just watch a quick video to prove I'm cured."
4. The test (either porn, a hook up, masturbation, or affair) fires up the addiction ovens and, FLASH
5. Relapse, shame, and back to square 1.

Looking back at my previous posts, I can see I was getting pretty cocky about addiction, my ex, my new body etc. This too can fuel my addictions so I'm going to stay focused today: hard-work; honesty; and no PMO. Unlike other addictions where it takes some effort to buy a bottle, hit a bar, or score drugs from a dealer, we are in daily contact with the tools of our addiction: screens. It takes an incredible amount of willpower to resist when porn addicts are essentially carrying around an empty syringe all day. So I am cautiously proud of my 49 days, but I have to keep reminding myself that PORN IS NOT A F*CKING OPTION. Good luck my fellow warriors and thanks again for all of your posts. This feeling of community helps kill my addiction while firing my recovery. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chris73 on December 17, 2014, 04:31:37 AM
I think I saw the same post about the relapsing guy. We`re all in the same boat after all. We must count on our SuperWillPowers, like He-Man.
Scary but accurate list, man. I`m on 4, without thinking it`s a test.. actually, gonna have a test tonight, at the language class >x<

Better day with your focus today.!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 17, 2014, 08:04:49 AM
UPDATE: Patched things up with the ex-wife. I made it clear Monday was our last argument ever. She could argue, but I just wasn't going to participate ever again. Following her move out at the end of the month, we agreed to take 6-12 months to truly be separated. No more acting like friends. We're no longer going to pretend like we're still buddies as it's now abundantly clear that will never work. Rather than fall back on my former post-fight techniques of anger, blame, the silent treatment, and poo-poo diaper, today I tried something else. I was calm, listened, told her what I would change (not what she had to do), and remained friendly/helpful/available after our chat. It worked! She even said she was happy about my solo trip to Israel at the end of the month. Surprised? I was. Will check back in tonight before bed.     
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 17, 2014, 09:28:33 AM
Hi Lyon,

I think it's really smart to be cautious about celebrating your milestones. Not that you shouldn't be thrilled, but it is super dangerous to think "and now I'm done/cured"--much like how it is dangerous to think your diet is "over" because you reached a certain goal. Eating/hooking-up/PMO will always be the easier road, so I think it is reasonable to expect that it will always take some effort to live better. But we shouldn't be scared of this  potentially indefinite effort-we simply have to be stronger for it.

I was talking to a clinical psychiatrist (MD/PhD) at a conference (I'm a scientist :) ) about addiction, and he told me something rather interesting. He said that many of his recovering alcoholic (patients who have been sober for 20+ years) said that staying sober in year 20 was more difficult than in year 5. I don't say this to scare/depress, but it really suggests that we must be ever viligent. And also, no one should feel bad/guilty if they still struggle or are tempted, even after years of success. It's not that they are weak, but it may just be the nature of addiction.

Regardless, congrats on closing in on 50 days!!!! A huge accomplishment!!!!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 17, 2014, 12:50:35 PM
Wow.....   great job my friend.  I'm still going through separation BS with my ex.  She is apparently trying to cancel any utilities with her name on them for Jan 1st without telling me....  I was going to lose my shit again.....  but you my friend have given me a blue print for level headed-ness.  I have too....   I don't want to be that asshole ever again.\

Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 17, 2014, 03:57:12 PM
Day 49 (cont'd): Today was a tough one and not very productive work-wise. I have to get over this hysterical argument (now 2 days ago) with my ex-wife but I just can't seem to shake it. We discussed it this afternoon, more or less made up, and I made it clear that would be the last argument of our relationship. All further disputes would be settled via Skype or email. No more arguing because I don't have the strength. We grew up in two cultures: me the WASP family with a don't ask/don't tell attitude towards feelings (although I certainly lay it all on the line here) whereas she is southern European. Her culture involves lots of fighting, arguments, tears, anger, passion really. Oil and water I guess. The other issue when you argue with loved ones, or former loved ones, is they know how to cut deep. Anyhow, today was a mixed bag as far as emotions but I learned something. I realized my toxic relationship with my ex-wife is my biggest trigger. After weeks of feeling great, today I felt cut off from others at the gym, unproductive, I even looked at myself in the mirror and didn't like the reflection. This is similar to my feelings at the height of my PMO addiction. I think sometimes when people feel they are losing you or perhaps when you're starting to break free, they have to pull you back down into the muck just one last time. But I'm NOT going back there nor did I give in to porn...although in a moment of weakness I watched about 10 seconds of a Youtube workout video (G-rated porn really) before shutting that down. I'm going to go to bed early tonight, regroup, and start the f*ck over again tomorrow. Nobody died. I still have a rocking hard body. My own business. A hot BF. There! I've posted myself to feeling much better!! Alright nation, enough of the sad/whiny b*tch me. Tomorrow it's back to business. I'll be celebrating 50 days with a good friend. Thanks to all for your kind words and support during this process. Stay strong brothers. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 17, 2014, 06:16:01 PM
Hey buddy

You're doing great. Hang in there. I think your handling of the argument with your ex is very mature. It sounds like a 'perfect storm' for relapsing. However, you're standing strong. I salute you.
I identify with the after effects of arguments. I would also mull over it for days after the event. But you're a perfect creation and none of mother earth's creations deserves abuse. You have all the right in the world to stand tall and pursue your own happiness. Jesus said something along the lines of 'Treat others as you want to be treated yourself'. Definitely wisdom words to live by. 

and PS. great idea to make a list of what to be thankful for. It's a powerful way of uplifting your spirit when feeling down and out.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 17, 2014, 09:30:32 PM
Hey Lyon,

By the time you read this (on your side of the 'pond'), you will have hit 50 days!!! Focus on that, and all of the progress you have made when you are feeling down. Focus on the fact that your life has changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time--it's not surprising that there is some whiplash. You've come out (at least to your family), you're living more honestly, you're getting out of a toxic relationship, you've got a great BF, you're doing great at the gym, and you're killing a decades old addiction!!! This is a huge ammount of change!!!

If you look back and think of all this, it should be impossible not to be at least somewhat cheered up. You should be so proud of yourself! Not to mention you offer support and advice to so many here (self included!). Stay strong-we are rooting for you!!!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 17, 2014, 10:20:50 PM
I'd like to second what JohnGalt said about your accomplishments. You're doing great Lyon! Remember to be kind to yourself, no one can be on top of the world every day. The rhythm of life is woven between the ebbs and the flows but sometimes you don't feel like dancing and that does not detract from the progress you've made and the people that you have supported (myself also included  :D ). You have a strong sense of empathy, and I have an inkling that it is going to open doors to many exciting new adventures for you. Congrats on 50 days, very proud of you!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 18, 2014, 12:06:25 AM
Its not surviving the easy days that make you strong... Its surviving the difficult times that make you strong. 
Stay strong my friend... You have a lot going on to be proud of.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 18, 2014, 01:05:47 AM
Day 50! Thanks everyone for your kind posts. What a difference a good night's sleep makes. I feel like a warrior princess again....er warrior prince. So taking a step back from the past few days, I can see my holy trinity of addiction triggers are:

1. Toxic/abusive relationships
2. Lack of sleep
3. Self-pity/low self-esteem caused by #1 and #2.

Being pro-active, I now have to do the following:

1. Disengage completely from my ex-wife.
She wants intimacy (a husband really), whereas I simply want a friendly co-parent. These are incompatible. I'm rather over the guilt and shame of my addiction because these emotions do nothing but feed my porn habit. She needs time to heal from our broken marriage and seeing my bubble-butt every day isn't helping. So henceforth it will be limited contact and a business-like relationship only. No more fixes. No more talking about emotions, feelings, and past wrongs because this is what a husband would do. I can't be both her disease and cure. I have to accept that divorcing means breaking from someone emotionally as well. It's over between us.

2. Sleep at least 6.5 hours a night. Following our fight Monday night, my little addiction squirrel got out of its mental cage. That little f*cker scurried around in my head for two nights, preventing me from sleeping my required 6.5-7 hours. I tend to replay negative or violent scenes in my head in a loop. I now understand that if I don't get enough sleep, this kills my motivation, productivity, and leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem, etc.

3. Negative Emotions: There will be other triggers in my life but I'll just have to learn to deal with them. The next time this happens my strategy will be: first, accept the feelings completely rather than bury them; second, post everything here or write the same in a journal to get it out of my head; third, talk to my sponsor/buddy or friends to exorcise the bad ju-ju; and fourth, work out hard to kick start the positive endorphins/dopamine in my brain.

So today I'm a new man. Yes bruised emotionally but healing. I have to accept, however, that I'm bruised because I got in the ring with my ex-wife, laced up her gloves, dropped my guard, and stood right in front of her yelling 'HIT ME'. She took a swing, it landed, I was down, and now I'm back up again. End of story. Next time I just won't get in the ring. She can shadow box or find a new opponent. I'm proud of making it to 50...and REALLY looking forward to getting biblical with the BF this weekend. Thanks again everyone for your love/support. It helped me more than you can imagine. Stay strong nation. LIFE IS THE ONLY OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 18, 2014, 06:00:22 PM
Day 50 (cont'd): While I accomplished little work today, I made huge strides in battling my addiction. I am still PMO-free after 50 days. I also completed step 4 of PAA (it's Alcoholics Anonymous for Porn users) by methodically writing out my fears, resentments, and detailing those I've harmed. Some memories were so painful I was reduced to tears and had to stop. It's funny how you can reach the age of 42, think you've got a handle on life, and then uncover a hidden memory that makes you 5 years old again. Next to quitting porn and coming out to my wife [my God I'm the whole package aren't I?], that was by far one of the hardest things I've ever done. But at the same time it was freeing. Writing out your worst secrets and sending them to my sponsor, arguably someone I hardly know, was the greatest liberation I've ever felt. It was letting go. I recently downloaded an audio copy of Stephen R. Covey's 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' recommended by Horpio. Before reboot, I thought self-help books were for losers but the passage I listened to today took my breath away. In brief, I realized I was a reactive person: blaming; complaining; reacting to life's challenges. I have since changed my outlook to be a pro-active person. Based on a pre-set list of values, like honesty and responsibility, I now try to see what I can do to change/improve my life. I immediately realized my mistakes in the dust-up with my ex-wife Monday night. I chose to blame her (reactive) rather than accept my responsibility (pro-active) to change the outcome. The first thing I did was call my ex-wife, apologize for our fight, accept my role in making it happen, gave her my support for the upcoming move, and said I wanted to support her in being the best mother possible in difficult circumstances. In one conversation, I changed our entire relationship because I changed myself. What a revelation! I realized that by forever fighting to be right, I wasn't learning from my mistakes. The other milestone was reaching 50 days. I'm looking forward to 51 and eventually 510, then forever. PORN IS DEATH AND DEATH BY COMPUTER SCREEN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 18, 2014, 11:23:47 PM
Incredible....

I've Seven Habits myself about 10 years ago.  A very powerful book indeed.  I've recommended this book before, and I will recommend it here again.  I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrance Real.   This book changed my life. 

Cheers.

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 19, 2014, 01:02:44 AM
Day 51: Morning nation! B*tch mode is now over. This will be a short post because the new warrior me is going to the gym at 7:00 a.m. I was up until about midnight last night writing for my 12-step program and have a bit of an emotional hangover. No urges to PMO today so I'm still the warrior. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. Today will not be a very productive work day but I know the warrior worker in me will come back in early 2015. By obsessively focusing on how many hours to work, I can see this was the self-esteem equivalent of punching myself in the b*lls. So I'm giving it a rest. Today will be busy: gym; work; my kids' Xmas pageant; Xmas party; hopefully seeing my BF if our schedules work out this afternoon; gettin' busy with the BF (REALLY looking forward to that); work; dinner with the family; post here; reading; bed. With regards to my new relationship, I can see I was recreating a lot of the patterns that I had with my last failed relationship. I was waiting for him to do things to make me feel better rather than being pro-active in making myself feel better. Even at 42, I was acting a bit like a 12 year old girl with a crush. "Oh my God...he wrote 'Yes' with three exclamation points!" That ends now. So if we can see each other this afternoon, great, but if we can't, no problem. We have a date tomorrow afternoon/evening anyway. Off to the gym. Legs and eyef*cking on the menu today. Be strong everyone. Thank you for your love and support. This forum has saved my life.

 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 19, 2014, 10:21:17 AM
Hi Lyon,

Glad you made some peace with the ex-regardless of who was at fault this will make life for everyone (especially your kids) much easier.

Also glad you are getting into self-held books. I also thought they were for losers, but that is a really dumb mentality because they can greatly accelerate your progress, so you don't have to learn everything the hard way. :)

And congrats for getting past 50 days!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 19, 2014, 12:29:18 PM
Day 51 (cont'd): Thanks Johngalt. Another clean day here in the people's republic of Europe. Kids' Xmas pageant, a fun Xmas party with an ex-pats business association, and now quiet dinner with the ex-wife (we've made up) and kids. Life is good. Tomorrow will hopefully be a less wholesome experience with the BF, then his Xmas party. Will check in over the weekend if I can but feeling better than earlier this week. Taking it one day at a time. Thanks to everyone for your posts, support, and good ju-ju. Stay strong nation. WE'RE BETTER WITHOUT THE PORN.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 20, 2014, 08:06:55 AM
Day 52: Clean and sober over here in Europe. Well it's certainly a different universe when you're not the black hole at the centre pulling everyone in (and eventually crushing them) with your negative gravity. This week marked a change in my life from being reactive, which simply means blaming everything and everyone around me, to being proactive, which means changing myself and the way I see the world to affect change. (Thanks Horpio for recommending the 7 habits book!). In layman's terms, I decided to stop being a whiny little b*tch and act like the no-PMO warrior I am. Case in point. I argued with my ex-wife. This is common. But I always blamed her, thinking our fights were never my fault. I was always the victim...which is bullsh*t addiction stuff. This week things changed dramatically. Thanks to a greater sense of honesty/responsibility, I finally looked at what I did wrong. I even admitted my faults to my ex-wife, said she had my support, and told her I was working hard to change. Once we set our differences aside, we could then concentrate on our daughter who is really suffering because of our divorce. My ex-wife took her to see a child psychologist this morning and that made a world of difference - for both of them I think. So with that breakthrough came another as my ex-wife wasn't in tears knowing I'll be heading out shortly to spend the evening/night with my boyfriend. Change your view, change your life I guess. So I'll be heading out in a few hours to attend his company Xmas party and stay overnight. All of this could only happen because I changed. I now realize that addiction isn't about just me, but those who have so long suffered around me. Once I decided to be a shining example, rather than a black hole, my family also has a shot at recovery. Off to see the BF and relieve some of this stress in a fun and biblical way. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Feetfirst on December 20, 2014, 09:51:01 AM
Thank you Lyon03 for your post. I can strongly identify with your story and it sounds that you really have had enough as have I. Time for change. Life is indeed beautiful! I wish you every success. FF
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 20, 2014, 09:27:08 PM
You should be waking up soon my friend, and you are going to make this a great day...  Just think right now what greatness you want to accomplish, how you're going to make it happen, and enjoy your success!

(Everyone else following our friend can do the same... ).
:)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 21, 2014, 03:58:31 PM
Day 53: Great weekend, despite my brain's best efforts to f*ck it up. Had fun with BF and enjoyed his company Xmas party last night. I still have no desire to PMO and will never do it again. Last night I experienced unbelievable horniness driven by drink and proximity to my hot BF (see below). Had amazing sex this morning but last night I was in pain: blue b*lls; hyper sensitive penis; and (strangely) urinating a mixture of seminal fluid (pre-cum) and urine. I can write this with all certainty: porn is no longer part of my life. But remove the drug/addiction and you have the more difficult task of the feelings, hurts, and emotions that led to addiction. This weekend proved to me that while my PMO addiction has diminished, I now have to deal with the negative feelings and shitty habits that caused my PMO addiction. Case in point: hot boyfriend; rocking company Xmas party; good food; great conversation; and I'm sitting there fuming. Wha!?? I can laugh about it now but actually thought about leaving the party because I didn't think the BF was paying enough attention to me. I'd become the crying drunk chick at the office party. Just call me Fran. In addition to no PMO and no TV, I think I'm going to quit drinking as well because every drink I slam back reduces my maturity level by 5 years. After 6 drinks, clearly I had reverted to 12 emotionally-speaking. Addiction is a mixture of self-centredness and self-loathing. So while in the middle of this great party that everyone was enjoying, I decided to act like a drunk pre-teen by making it all about me. I didn't show it of course, I'm not that much of a freak, but it did throw me off. Today I almost starting thinking, "Do I look fat in these jeans?" What happened to the warrior? So I've learned that while addiction may be a sly little b*tch, you don't have to act like one. Be strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 



Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 21, 2014, 04:44:32 PM
Hi Lyon,

Hahaha! The same thing happened to a b-day party I went to last week. We were having a great time, and someone said something ..mildly inappropriate, but I went into a quiet rage, starting a major fight with one of my good friends. I thought she was out of line (and she was) but my reaction was totally over the top! Until you just told your story, I didn't realize I was just probably hyper sensitive because of withdraw!

Super jealous of your hot times with the BF, lol. And btw, I have also had seminal discharge after taking a leak (mine wasn't just pre-cum, but full on release). So weird. It just happened, with absolutely no sensation (like an awake wet dream with no O). I certainly don't consider this a relapse, because I was just going to the bathroom, not even thinking about PMO.

Anyway, sounds like you are still on top of it, even whe boozing it up. :)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 21, 2014, 04:51:02 PM
That's exactly what it felt like, a waking wet dream. Thanks for sharing...er I think! Be well brother.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 22, 2014, 03:17:37 AM
Day 54: Just a quick post before heading out to the gym. Great sleep, morning wood, and no chaser whatsoever after yesterday's sex. Speaking about sex, which I thoroughly enjoy, as I get further away from my PMO addiction I find I focus more on intimacy rather than just the mechanics of erection/orgasm. This intimacy also applies to my daily contact with others in a non-sexual way. I find I ask questions more, actually listen to people's responses, and generally want to get to know who people are without porn. In the depths of addiction, sex was like a PMO session with another person inconveniently there. I would have to fantasize about porn scenes and death-grip masturbate in order to climax. Now it's much more natural. Lots of fun and exciting foreplay, I'm 100% present (no porn fantasies), and I actually have to distract myself (similar to meditation during sex) to avoid ejaculating too quickly. Tons of fun. Thanks for reading everyone. I'm off to work off this weekend's booze/desserts at the gym. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on December 22, 2014, 07:51:53 AM
Thanks for being so honest here, Lyon.  It's inspiring.

Especially what you share about intimacy.  Yes, a whole new world opens up when every moment isn't driven by our perceived needs and how we can satisfy them. 

Also, I love that you describe addiction as a mix of self-centeredness and self-loathing.  That's it on the button.  It's ME, ME, ME and then…why do I always have to be "me, me, me?"

That cycle just feeds on itself like a cannibal until there's very little left of us that hasn't been consumed.  Recovery is, thankfully, a way to pull ourselves out of the wreckage and put ourselves back together.  It's warmth, not thrills;  peace, not racing pulse. 

Here's to always knowing the difference.

thank you for sharing.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chris73 on December 22, 2014, 08:10:18 AM
Lyon, thanks for sharing. These are truly inspiring words, and thanks to Dharmabum for the precise comments.
The "me, me, me" thing, the selfish feeling, is poison to whatever relationship we have. That`s a pint i`ve been struggling for a long time and hope it is due to the addiction. But anyway, gonna keep a closer eye in it.
I learned something new, thanks guys.

Adding something related to the above, read in YBOP:
"People also need to know that reward-circuitry balance is indispensable for lifelong emotional, physical and mental wellbeing because of its power to shape our perceptions and choices without our conscious awareness."
me, me, me..
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 22, 2014, 10:06:36 AM
Great post Lyon!

And thanks dharmabum and Chris for summing it up so well. I don't really have anything novel to add.

Anyway, great to hear about the continual progress. Stay strong! :)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 22, 2014, 03:31:20 PM
Day 54 (cont'd): Just winding up the day here in Europe. Pretty lazy day today packing the car for a family ski trip over the holidays. No work accomplished today but I've given up that obsession because business is good and I have all of 2015 (and the rest of my life really) to make up for the past 10 years of little to no work. Heading to the Alps with my ex-wife and 3 kids December 23-27. I'm looking forward to this because we always stay at a hotel with lots of English families who just love to ski, eat good food, drink, and laugh. Sign me up and I hope that after a few beers, my inner office chick with cats (Fran) doesn't reappear (read post above). No chaser effect after highly explosive sex yesterday with my BF. Many younger Rebooters have written about the horny chaser post MO or post-sex but I've yet to experience it. One thing I've come to love is that being gay is NOT THE CENTRE OF MY LIFE. I've been reading/learning a lot about addiction and all addicts are self-centred if not self-obsessed. Just like I'm more than my former PMO habit, I'm also more than just a gay man. I finally got over the gay thing when coming out to my aunt and uncle at a family BBQ. My uncle said, and I quote, "Nothing has changed. Please pass me the potato salad." How refreshing to understand that most people just want to get on with their lives. So what if I yanked it to porn for years on end? I am more than my f*cking addiction. I'm Xena: the no-FAP warrior princess! No I am not drunk while writing this but I am high on life. Is this what recovery feels like? I think I'm kind of over obsessing about my d*ck, porn, and myself. I just want to live my life to the fullest, not shoot the hardest and longest. Thanks for reading everyone. Be strong. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN PORN.

 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 22, 2014, 11:50:19 PM
 ;D ;D ;D Hi buddy, so nice to read your journal. Really inspiring.

I find so many things I can relate to and just want to say AMEN to :) You are handling your situation with courage and in a noble way. You're our own knight on his Unicorn ;) if you'll forgive me.
Keep on writing, as it gives me hope for my own challenges still lying ahead.

Best 8)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 23, 2014, 12:37:57 AM
Day 55: A pink unicorn I hope brother Horpio. Merry Christmas everyone. This will be the first Xmas in a long time that I'm 100% myself. And if others don't like the new me, screw them, life won't end. As long as we live honestly and compassionately, we can do no wrong. I'm off for a family ski vacation. My intention was to post daily but I'm giving myself 4 days off of these boards, my addiction, and my former self. This will be our first family vacation I'm going to be there 100% for my kids and my ex-wife. So happy holidays everyone and I'll check back in December 26th. Thanks for your love and support.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on December 23, 2014, 07:52:14 AM
Enjoy your time away, be present with the family, and know you'll come back to these boards on the cusp of 60 days being PMO free.  Merry Christmas! 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: johngalt75321 on December 23, 2014, 09:02:01 AM
I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Lyon! Have fun with your family!  :) :) :)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on December 23, 2014, 11:10:04 AM
Merrry Christmas Lyon,

Enjoy yourself! 

Have fun skiing.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 23, 2014, 11:58:43 AM
Merry Christmas Lyon!  Have a great time.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 25, 2014, 10:34:46 PM
Merry Christmas my friend.

cheers.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 26, 2014, 09:15:19 AM
Day 58: Thanks to everyone for your kind Christmas wishes. Still clean/sober here. The closest I came to relapse was admiring how nice my junk looked in the bathroom mirror. Amazing how full your package gets when you don't death-grip spank the old genitals two/three times a day. I washed myself a little too vigorously down south in the shower last night but not enough to get hard and no orgasm. So I've been off the porn and masturbation for just shy of 2 months. I'm saving all the sexual energy for intimate moments with my BF. 

Just back from the family ski holiday (ex-wife + 3 kids) and couldn't be happier with the way things went. In brief: I was the *sshole for the past 10 years (not my ex-wife) and once I stopped being a complete d*ck, with a porn addiction, my family could actually enjoy a holiday. Go figure?  I have some friendly advice to all PMO addicts like me who blame their wives, girlfriends, spouses, partners and family. If you are on the verge of blaming someone else for your life's problems or, worse yet, your PMO addiction, spare me. So repeat after me fellow bitter Rebooters:

"I am the problem. My PMO addiction is my fault. No one else is to blame. As a porn addict, I am not the nicest nor most desirable partner, father, friend. I spent years or even decades neglecting people who only wanted my love and attention. This hurt them. Now that I've spent a few weeks without PMO, this doesn't mean everyone has healed with me. While going through a reboot/recovery, I must be mindful of the pain and suffering my loved ones have suffered because of my mistakes. I cannot blame my loved ones for feeling lost, angry, or even if they resent me. I accept my fault in creating this situation. As I recover, I will do my best to be mindful, caring, loving, and understanding with my loved ones as they heal from the terrible effects of my addiction."

In essence, I take back all of the useless trash talking (writing?) I did in previous posts about my ex-wife being a b*tch. Yes she can be a controlling and emotional hag sometimes, but I wonder how I'd feel after learning my husband wanked to the most graphic gay porn for almost 20 years, then announced he liked guys, then mentioned he'd fallen in love with a guy, and finally said he wanted a divorce. Merry f*cking Christmas! Rather than thinking of her as a b*tch, I'm going to nominate her for the Nobel Prize. I'm surprised she can even sit at the same dinner table without stabbing me. The woman deserves (and will get) my respect.

So getting back to the ski trip. Not a lot of snow in the Alps at the moment, but still good glacier skiing and plenty of snow above the treeline. So we arrive, relax, spent 2 full days skiing in the best conditions (sunshine, little wind, and above freezing temperatures). I did a complete 180 as far as my attitude. Repeating my mantra of "Don't be a selfish *sshole" I was patient, attentive, and generous with both my love and affection. Sure things are frosty with my ex, we are after all divorcing, so I just focused on our three kids. I taught my youngest how to ski, he learned quickly, so we then we spent the entire time skiing as a family. It was like something out of a Disney movie we were smiling so much. In the evenings, we had dinners together, then games, and early to bed. It felt like some Euro version of the Waltons. The kids were happy. My ex-wife was happy but in a 'what the f*ck just happened!?' kind of way and I now have a blueprint for the rest of my life: no PMO, no TV, no more blame. From now on it's all about what I can do to make my life better.

So as 2014 comes to a close, I wanted to thank all of you for your love/support over the past few months. Without this forum, I wouldn't have made it this far. Stay strong nation. PORN/BLAME ARE NOT OPTIONS.   

   

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 26, 2014, 09:52:53 AM
Wow...  I am amazed and impressed.  Very happy the ski trip went well, and that you had a chance to teach your kid to ski...  Those are the moments you will cherish.

Cheers!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 27, 2014, 02:43:58 AM
Day 59: Not much to report this snowy Saturday morning in Europe. Still clean/sober. I posted before that porn addiction was like a loud, obnoxious boom-box I dumped two months ago. Reboot is like walking away from it on the road to recovery. So the porn-o-box's music/impact tend to lessen with each step forward. And today PMO is just a weak din in the distance. Yes I still have occasional flashbacks to porn scenes I've watched. If I'm really distracted/bored in front of a computer screen, my old porn habit sneaks back into the brain as I start to creep the Youtube exercise videos that were my G-rated gateway back to porn. But it tend to shut down the triggers first by doing something else like working/reading. So you go from fighting the porn addiction to changing your habits that resulted in PMO. I see it like this: if you're a heroin addict, you can't spend your entire day staring at an empty syringe. Our addiction gateway is the computer so we have to get off of the screens as much as possible in my opinion by doing other things. As I close in on 60 days, 90 days, and a year, I am a long way from the night sweats, raging boners, fleshy dreams, and shaky legs during the worst my withdrawal. It's cold/snowy here in Europe. But it's going to be warm and sunny in Israel. I leave for a week's holiday Tuesday morning. Three days in Jerusalem and then down to the sunny/warm Red Sea resort of Eilat. I was thrilled to read the weather report (sunny/warm). The water temperature there is currently 23 degrees celcius (about 74 Fahrenheit). Bring it on! My thoughts go out to everyone currently suffering from porn addiction. If after a 20-year habit, if I can remain PMO-free and change my life in two months, anyone can. Stay strong nation: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 


 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on December 27, 2014, 04:40:59 AM
Hi Lyon03, So good to read your post. I'm in Germany and thrilled with the first snow. I like cold winters better than lukewarm ones. Great that you're going away for holidays and see the sun again there :)

What was really important for me was to learn about "raging boners," this is something that seems to happen quite often in reboot, and if you don't know about it you might mistake it for a "cured" sign that can lead into MO, as was the case with me.

Becoming a better man amd not a better boner is also sooo important. I know that part of my addiction is crankiness and selfishness.

Right now, I also have flashbacks from one of the videos I didn't use when I acted out last, just scanned it and wanted to come back to it "later", the later is now gone for over 3 weeks, and my brain would desperately like to take a peek. F*ck! It was always like that and led me to relapse. Shutting down the computer after the PMO session and in my mind I had these fragments of P I hadn't used in that sesssion knowing I would come back to it soon. May I quote you here PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. It's incredible how hard it is fo my brain to see the truth of it - full-on dopamine scandal >:(

My gateway VERY OFTEN also was looking up exercise videos on youtube, then I wanted to see more. I am also avoiding looking at guys for too long as it makes my dopamine rise. After my MO night I can see that I need to watch out for this and not mix up M or O with P in any way, not even in my mind. A raging boner is just something that shows that I'm going in the right direction and is no OK sign for edging or MO. Phew... :-[

Good luck on your journey and thanks for your wisdom and we can do it!






 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 27, 2014, 07:39:33 AM
Thanks for sharing Patrick. Ok so you jerked off. Treat it like a speed bump on your road to recovery rather than a smash up. What I'm trying to learn through Reboot is impulse control. This means not fapping every time I get a bit stressed because that simply resembles my addiction. Just a few weeks ago, my attention span was a sad 3 minutes. I could only concentrate on one task for 3 minutes before my brain looked for a fix. So if you went a certain number of days before jerking off, try to beat that record next time. What's important is gaining control over our impulses (or d*ck) and not letting these impulses run your life. I appreciate your message. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on December 27, 2014, 07:49:45 AM
Thank you, lyon03, so valuable!
It's good to hear that it's not so good to be a drama queen about this  :D (And as you said, this is your role on the board, ha ha.)
Impulse control is really something worth pursuing, I can see that now. I might set up a timer for edging and MO. Beat my previous best of 21 days. I mean, it's amazing I made it that far anyway. Sometimes I have the feeling that looking at the numbers can make you go crazy and compulsive. Glad to be here with you.
Thanks and have a great day, brother.
 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 27, 2014, 10:46:55 AM
I hear you when you say you're bores in front of a computer screen.   It's brutal.  I used the use the bad message boards as my socialization...  One such board had sections for Chatter / Politics / Money / and World Events.   


It was tough dropping out of that world...  You talk a little politics and sports, argue about the middle east, tell a dirty joke and talk a little smack about some chic's ass...  It reaLly was my only socializing outside of work.

Now I realize how badly I had allowed myself to objectify women.  Yes, it was hard to drop out, but I'm glad I'm trying to be a better person.   
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 27, 2014, 02:44:18 PM
Day 59 (cont'd): Still clean and sober at the end of the day here in Europe. Just moving my ex-wife and kids to their new home...we're divorcing. Rather than being a total diva b*tch like I was in the depths of my porn addiction, the new PMO-free me was kind, helpful, and relaxed. Moved a lot of boxes today out of the family apartment. Just between us, I was thrilled to see most of this sh*t going out the door. My ex-wife is a black-belt pack rat. I've found things I didn't know I had...like my tools. As a result of this new attitude, the kids were quite happy and relaxed all day despite an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Was still feeling a bit of an emotional tug and started to get restless but never made it to the gym because I was watching the kids while the ex was picking up their new beds. I'm still feeling a bit tense now because I needed to work off the stress of this situation. Asked the BF if he was available to work off my stress with him in bed but no dice as he has a friend visiting so I had a mini meltdown, lots of "THIS IS OVER!", "WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS GUY?", and my favourite "CAN'T HE THINK ABOUT ME FOR A CHANGE!?". Yes, my alter ego Fran the drunk cat-owning office chick came back to life. Fran is my inner addict bubbling back to the surface when I get a bit stressed. Thankfully, the meltdown was solo, no texting nor calling the BF, so I simply read a bit, got dinner ready, and generally calmed the f*ck down. Funny how we can go from perfectly calm to full-on addict mode in the blink of an eye. Anyhow, back to normal and just winding down before bed. Hope everyone had a relaxed and porn-free day. Thanks for reading. BEING A WHINY PORN B*TCH IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 28, 2014, 02:37:51 AM
Day 60: Well hot damn if this no-PMO princess didn't make it two months without porn. I look forward to making it to 90 days and beyond. Looking back over my early recovery there were some distinct phases:

Week 1: WTF? Going a week without porn was easy. After all, I'd done it before. But there was a certain sense of apprehension/fear. I refer to this time as the phony war because you know a brutal battle is coming but nothing happens. Anticipation.

Week 2: First Contact I join PAA (which is like AA for porn addicts), participate in my first Skype meeting, start reading posts by other PMO addicts, and realize I am not alone. This is a huge relief for me because battling addiction is hard enough, but battling addiction alone is impossible. I finally admit to myself that I'm not just rebooting, but battling a lifelong addiction. I also join Reboot Nation. Withdrawal starts. 

Week 3: Trainspotting If there was any doubt I was an addict, my Trainspotting-like withdrawal symptoms certainly confirmed that. I am terrified by the shaking hands/legs, night sweats, spontaneous boners, sexy dreams, and an overwhelmingly strong urge to masturbate/relapse. I counter these symptoms by reading/learning everything I can about PMO and porn addiction. In essence, I'm feeding my frontal lobe with the knowledge to counter my pleasure centre's impulses. I realize withdrawal is simply my brain screaming for a dopamine fix. I am struggling but keep posting, sharing, and attending PAA meetings.

Week 4: Mixed Emotions Withdrawal then becomes flatline. I enter the noodledick phase with a completely lifeless and shrunken penis. I experience heavy depression. This then becomes mood swings moving from the happiest of highs to the crying at the gym to Sia's 'Chandelier' (true story). Towards the end of week 4, my libido starts to return. While emotional, I am also highly reflective entering a "Who am I?" phase. I start to work again but am disheartened that my attention span is a pathetic 3 mins. Years of porn abuse has destroyed my ability to concentrate.

Week 5: PMS My junk returns to normal size so I experience a relatively short flatline. I am horny with a capital "H" and have very meaningful and intimate sex with my boyfriend. During sex, I experience an emotional connection I didn't think possible while a porn addict. I also have the strongest erection and orgasm of my life. I start to understand the benefits of being PMO-free which go beyond the physical and sexual. My mood swings resemble a woman's PMS going from "Do you think I'm pretty?" to "Let's get it on." I regret the years and relationships I lost because of my addiction. The fog starts to lift and I am confronted with the war-torn landscape of a life I created. This makes me want to run back and hide behind addiction but I start my true journey of recovery. Unfortunately, the addict in me tries his best to blame everyone else (namely my ex-wife) but I realize I have only myself to blame. With this clarity, comes a new sense of strength and renewal. I start working more regular hours.

Week 6: Dr. Blame I learn everything I can about porn addiction, devour self-help books, watch Anthony Robbins videos and start to realize that to make a change in my life, I have to change myself first. My mood swings weaken and the need to PMO has diminished. I start posting/sharing on reboot websites almost obsessively but realize that, for once, this is a good obsession. Despite all of these positive developments, I have yet to mend the strongest relationship in my life: with my ex-wife. I wrongly blame her for all that is wrong and pick a fight with her. Following that argument, I decide it will be our last. I give up blame forever and realize I have only myself to blame. I am now truly ready to heal.

Week 7: Tentative Steps I start to mend the broken relationships in my life: namely with my children and ex-wife. I accept my addiction was fed by negative feelings (shame, anger), isolation, and a cancerous self-centredness. I FINALLY accept there is whole world outside of me and my PMO addiction. Reluctantly, I accept I have to start navigating the river of life rather than constantly trying to dam the waters. I accept I need to be a pro-active person by changing myself, rather than reactively waiting for others to change. I feel a new sense of clarity, purpose, and serenity. I have hope.

Today: I am not the same person I was just 60 days ago. While mentally exhausted, I now have the tools to remain porn-free for the rest of my life. I've learned the road to recovery starts off very rocky but eventually becomes as smooth as a freeway. I'm not just battling addiction, I realized I'm trying to be a better man. Porn is just another drug. We are all in essence addicts. Drugs dull pain. Remove the drug and you are forced to confront the source of your life's pain. I almost relapsed because I didn't want to confront this pain. Thankfully, I found the strength and support to work through this pain and reboot my life. Just 60 days ago, I hated myself and reinforced this self-hatred through the most vile and degrading PMO addiction. Today I love and respect myself. Porn is not an option for this new me. Thanks for reading.       








Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on December 28, 2014, 04:10:17 AM
Just awesome, lyon03, so awesome. Left me speechless in a good way. Thanks for sharing and being here on RN.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on December 28, 2014, 06:14:23 AM
Glad to see you so strong through this process.  You are an inspiration.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on December 28, 2014, 08:19:31 AM
Thanks for sharing the specifics of the journey on your most recent post with all those mile markers along the roadmap.  Helps me understand what can/might happen as I go through the coming weeks.  Everyone is different, but whatever the case, it's good to have others share the steps in their process and how it affected them.

Onward.  Day 61 and beyond, Lyon! 

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 28, 2014, 01:24:57 PM
Day 60 (cont'd): Just about to have dinner here in Europe and then call it a day. FINALLY got to the gym this afternoon to try and sweat off some stress but only to spend my entire workout in lust. My gym is currently being repainted and, lucky me, the hottest tradie/painter was there. Totally hot 30-something, great body, wife beater, handsome face, and nerd glasses. I'm a sucker for a hot muscle nerd. This was torture because I could think about at least, oh let's say, 400+ porn scenes that started this way! The upshot is the hornier I get at the gym, the harder I work out. Chest day today so I came out looking like some pumped-up version of Thor. I've never seen my chest so freakin' big. But all in good fun. Normally I would have MO'd right at the gym but the 60-day me is more about laughing it off, quiet dinner with the kids, and then reading before bed. Hope everyone had a porn-free day today. Stay strong nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 28, 2014, 08:07:27 PM
So repeat after me fellow bitter Rebooters:

"I am the problem. My PMO addiction is my fault. No one else is to blame. As a porn addict, I am not the nicest nor most desirable partner, father, friend. I spent years or even decades neglecting people who only wanted my love and attention. This hurt them. Now that I've spent a few weeks without PMO, this doesn't mean everyone has healed with me. While going through a reboot/recovery, I must be mindful of the pain and suffering my loved ones have suffered because of my mistakes. I cannot blame my loved ones for feeling lost, angry, or even if they resent me. I accept my fault in creating this situation. As I recover, I will do my best to be mindful, caring, loving, and understanding with my loved ones as they heal from the terrible effects of my addiction."


Taking responsibility for our lives and the problems we behaved ourselves into.
You have come a long way buddy in a short space of time. Your efforts are totally worth it. All the best as always.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 29, 2014, 02:05:29 AM
Day 61: Thanks Horpio. Just up and ready for a new day in the people's republic of Europe. Tomorrow morning I depart for a week in Israel (3 days Jerusalem / 3 days at the beach) and can't f*cking wait! While I won't be converting to Orthodox Judaism, I am the high priest of no-PMO these days. While I still have flashes of old search terms like "big c*ck" I can now safely admire the male form in all its glory without an obsessive fear of relapse. In fact, I lusted after a hunky painter at the gym yesterday without wanting to masturbate nor watch porn. But man did it motivate me to work out harder! My addiction will always be there, but it's now like an annoying background song in some mega-mall (like the Gypsy Kings). While always there, I can zone it out. I'll check in later today with my progress. Hope you are all well my Reboot brothers. Stay strong nation, HAPPINESS IS AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 29, 2014, 11:51:54 AM
Day 61 (cont'd): Just about to head out. I'll overnight near the airport and then fly out to Israel tomorrow morning. Bittersweet day today. While I'm thrilled to be going away, my ex-wife is moving the kids to her hometown roughly 7 miles (12 kms) away. So I am essentially living on my own again. While this is sad, I've learned I don't have to make it sad for my children. My eldest is out for dinner/movie with his best friend and my two youngest will be staying with their grandparents and other cousins. So while I'm the saddest person, I'm keeping that to myself rather than having one of my PMO-addict former Joan-Crawford-like diva meltdowns. My motto: "It ain't all about me anymore!" So sad yes, tragic perhaps, will life go on: absolutely. I don't think I'll be posting much while away so to my fellow reboot brothers, thanks for your love and support. Stay strong RN and remember PORN IS NOT A F*CKING OPTION.   
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on December 29, 2014, 12:20:04 PM
Safe travels, lyon03. So awesome you are with us here :) Looking forward to your next posts.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Secondhalf on December 29, 2014, 08:35:13 PM
Nice job, I am on the brink of changing from that once or twice a month guy to breaking thorugh to 30 or 45 days to really get control.  I edged today and am pretty upset but I did not take it too far.  It's been about 19 days for me.  keep up the good work.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on December 30, 2014, 07:36:44 PM
 8) 8) Wishing you a great holiday
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on December 31, 2014, 07:27:26 AM
HAPPY NEW YEAR RN! Having a BLAST in Jerusalem. In the past 24 hours I have crossed the following off my bucket list:

See wailing wall
Go to Jerusalems only gay bar
Dance with Dutch lesbian couple
Kiss an Israeli

Now I'm off to the old city for more adventures. Tomorrow Dead Sea! For everyone struggling with addiction, take heart. Last New Years I seriously considered suicide. Now porn-free, life couldn't be better. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 01, 2015, 11:09:00 AM
You are my gay hero....  And you have impacted my life. 

Enjoy yourself...  Happy New Year!

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 01, 2015, 01:06:02 PM
Swam in the Dead Sea today. Great fun. Poker the only difference between us is time. I hit rock bottom a year ago. The good thing about bottoming out is you slowly start to climb out of the muck that is depression, anger, guilt, and shame. Hard and exhausting at the beginning, but it gets easier. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 02, 2015, 08:49:45 AM
What a powerful environment for renewal, Lyon.  For me, that's akin to traveling to Tibet or somewhere very Buddhist-ish. 

I'm finding ritual to be very helpful in my climb out of the murky depths.  After all, I guess we all had PMO as rituals in our lives for years, so replacing one ritual with a more positive one is the idea.  Bring home some of that Wailing Wall/Dead Sea intention and spirit with you.  It'll serve you well as you settle back in at home from this powerful trip. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 02, 2015, 11:15:13 PM
Day 66: Shalom from Israel everyone! Day 5 of my trip to Israel and am having a fantastic time. I've finally had the opportunity to write from a hotel computer with an update. I have been keeping up with your posts and trying to post 1-2 lines from my tablet. Being succint is not my strong point. Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and kind messages. First and foremost, I am clean and sober after 66 days no PMO and this wouldn't have been possible without the love and support of Reboot Nation. I landed in beautiful, sunny Tel Aviv last Tuesday and then spent four memorable days in Jerusalem. Jerusalem was a study in contrasts: from seeing the church of the Holy Sepulcre (the very spot where Jesus was crucified), to the Wailing Wall (the most sacred place in Judaism), to swimming in the Dead Sea, and then dancing the night away in Jerusalem's only gay bar with a drag queen named 'Lady G.' Israel has certainly been a wild ride. My favourite moment was placing a prayer card in the cracks of the sacred wall at midnight. There were dozens of Jews chanting, singing, and meditating on the wall. That's something I won't soon forget.

I needed to travel alone because I wanted a holiday from myself and my addiction. Solo travel can be a sort of mini-reboot from your former life. I've found through solo travel that I could wipe the slate clean and just do what I wanted. It also gave my ex-wife and three children a much-needed break from me. Addicts like me are very egocentric, destructive, and self-centred people. While in the depths of addiction, we are essentially drowning and bringing everyone down with us. When I stared to heal, I was rather annoyed everyone wasn't just automatically healing with me. This too was self-centred. Therefore it was a good idea to get away to give my family a break too.

I have made some very big personal steps while away as well. Thanks to the wonderful Horpio, I worked my way through a book called 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' and started my mental reboot yesterday through writing my own obituary. If you haven't done this, I highly recommend it. Starting with the ultimate end in mind wasn't easy, I put it off for weeks, but the exercise forced me to re-define who I want to be and what I want to accomplish in the 30-40 years I have left. This short but exhausting exercise forced me to think of my life in terms of the impact I want to have on the lives of my friends, family, and community. These three pages made me realize that porn has no place in my life. I simply have too much to do.

Another big step was reading 'Breaking the Cycle' by George Collins. While I have yet to finish the book, I highly recommend it for anyone who has finished withdrawal and is starting to work through the emotional side of addiction. The book is rather unevenly written and some aspects were just a bit too 'hey dude Californian popcorn spiritual' for me however he has some interesting ideas. For example, I found seeing your addict self as a separate person inside your mind very helpful. He also suggests dialogue with your inner addict, either through written conversations or mental exchanges as a means of separating yourself from addiction. This was a huge help for me and may help others.

I am not the same person I was just two short months ago. The addict still exists within me and always will, however, my addict self no longer dominates my life. My transformation hit me when taking the bus from Jerusalem to the Red Sea resort of Eilat where I'm currently staying. I put away my tablet and started chatting with the Israeli man sitting next to me. We talked about a wide range of subjects during which he taught me a little Hebrew, discussed Arab-Israeli relations, and just generally got into it. At the end of our conversation, he look piercingly into my eyes and said, "You are a good person." I am crying as I write this because my first mental (addict) reaction was, "No I'm not." As I head out to watch the sunrise over the Red Sea, I'm going to wade into the warm waters and say to myself, "I am a f*cking great person."

Yes I'm gay, divorcing, and a former porn addict, but that is my history, not my destiny. I am more than my mind and f*cked up thoughts, I'm going to start fulfilling every damn word of what I wrote on that obituary and make the second half of my life beautiful.

Thank you for reading. Love your no-Fap warrior princess.   

 

 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 03, 2015, 02:00:19 AM
Thank you so much for this beautiful post. Yes, you are a good man. You have already helped me SO much here, I cannot thank you enough. Good luck on your journey, I am happy to have you by my side during my reboot. We can do it!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 04, 2015, 10:00:07 AM
Life really is beautiful.  Hope you are enjoying yourself my friend.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION
Post by: Jimmy James on January 04, 2015, 01:44:53 PM
Dear Lyon03 -

I am gobsmacked with your journey. You, my out-and-living-an-authentic-life-of-honesty-and-acceptance-of-ALL-your-beautiful-faults have got your sh*t if not together, at least in small accountable piles.

SORP

LOL!  I think I will have to make this a goal in my life; getting my sh*t into small accountable piles!

Great work Lyon03.  Very inspirational.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 05, 2015, 07:35:14 AM
Thanks boys! Your support keeps me going.

Day 68: Tomorrow I head home after a week in Israel and I wanted to post while certain things were fresh in my mind. If anyone is considering a trip to Israel, I highly recommend it. Far from the car-bomb, armed conflict images we see on television, I found Israel very safe, welcoming, and dynamic. Another advantage is almost everyone here speaks some English and most speak it very well. While I am in the very early stages of recovery/sobriety, I am a changed man and this trip simply reinforced that fundamental change.

I now understand that world around me hasn't changed, but my way of seeing things has. I think I speak for everyone on this website in writing that in the depths of my porn addiction, I hated myself with a passion. After 15-20 years of almost daily porn use and masturbation, I was so adrift in a sea of self-loathing, addiction, and anger that just looking at myself in a mirror often made my stomach turn. This is no way to live. I am slowly chipping off the barnacles of addiction to reveal the real me. That is a very good feeling indeed.

In coming to Israel, I wanted to change everything and did. I traveled alone for the first time in 25 years. This I wouldn't have thought possible just a few months ago. I traveled light with just 1 small backpack which is heaven! I can recall a recent family trip to visit my parents in Florida where the border guard asked us if we were immigrating to the US we had so much luggage. This is highly symbolic. (I work in tourism and often say the more baggage people have, the more emotional baggage they're carrying. This is true.) I was patient, listened to people, and just went with the flow. In the past I was always hurried, self-centred, and quick to anger when things didn't go according to plan. In essence, I was taking a permanent holiday from myself.

If you haven't read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, get it now. The book is about sex/porn addiction. While the writing style is a bit uneven, the book changed my life and I'm not surprised I read it during this trip. Collins taught me three simple but life-changing things:

1. My true and honest self is not an addict.
2. I am not my mind nor my mind's thoughts.
3. Addiction can be controlled through various tools and techniques.

While just months ago I would have thought self-help was complete bullsh*t, Collins taught me one invaluable tool. That tool is to visualize your addicted self as a completely different entity. I saw myself at age 18 when I started to discover porn and masturbate heavily. When you feel a trigger or urge, Collins suggests we look at this as simply our inner addict talking to us, taunting us, tempting. He suggests dialoguing with the inner addict and even writing down the dialogue. I know this is completely out there but it certainly helped me. Whenever I got a trigger, seeing the hunky Finnish guy on the beach (man he was a God!), staring at my hot diving instructor, or simply sitting in my room getting horny, I would visualize my 18-year old self, talk through it with him, and then walk him to some imaginary door, and calmly close it. I've used this technique for the various addicted sides of my personality: impulse guy; angry man; etc. Hot damn if it doesn't f*cking work like a charm.

Collins also borrows heavily from the steps that I have started thanks to Porn Addicts Anonymous. Namely, he writes about finding the original wound (or wounds) we are trying to drug using porn/sex/masturbation addiction. The sum of what I took away from the book is I am my own enemy. I am the only one to blame for my addiction, my life, and my many mistakes. But through his techniques, I have learned to identify my various negative personalities and quiet them. I have since found an inner peace I didn't think possible since I was 5 years old. Last night I was just content to sit alone, enjoying a great steak dinner, without being consumed by mental chatter: "What do people think of me?" "Why am I alone." "Isn't he hot!" "Let's get back to the room and jerk off." Until I read "Break the Cycle", I would have never thought of myself as schizophrenic but if the shoe fits!

It's not surprising that the day after I finished the book, I did a 1 hour reef dive in the Red Sea. If anyone hasn't tried diving, I highly recommend it. You are so laser focused on being under water, checking your air, breathing properly, following the dive master, and just b*lls out enjoying the wonderful sea life teeming all around you, you don't have time to be an addict. Diving yesterday was one of the highlights of my trip because my mind was at peace. I will work every day to find that inner peace through prayer, meditation, or just being with those I love.

As my pilgrimage to Israel comes to an end, I wanted to thank you all for being so loving and supportive. I can calmly and clearly write that PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. Thanks for reading. Love and prayers from the Holy Land.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 05, 2015, 09:04:51 AM
Really glad to hear that the book was helpful for you Lyon. Your Isreal pilgrimage experiences are so uplifting and inspiring. I admire your ability to live life without the safety net. Keep up the good work my friend.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on January 05, 2015, 09:13:25 AM
Thanks for sharing your wonderful experiences in the Holy Land. A sacred place in so many people's minds and so befitting the rebirth you're experiencing. Forward to the rest of your journey, we're here with you even if it's only in mind and spirit.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 06, 2015, 03:54:21 AM
Day 69: Just at the airport after clearing Israel's infamous security checks: spoke to no fewer than 3 security staff, 2 passport checks, and the most thorough baggage check this gay has ever experienced. Unlike the end of most holidays, I am raring to get home and start the next chapter of my life. Israel has been so uplifting and life-changing, but not without it's temptations/triggers. I was tempted by the steamy club dancefloor in Jerusalem's only gay bar, felt angry/alone on the Red Sea, resisted eating myself sick at Tel Aviv's only Cinnabuns franchise, and last night spurned an offer for a threesome with my hunky gay Airbnb hosts. By far the Cinnabuns was the biggest temptation! I can now resist and will continue to do so because porn/masturbation/sex/sugar and all my other impulses are no longer my coping mechanisms. I now have a choice. This trip gave me the serenity to confront my inner demons. Only I can love myself and this is enough. Without this peaceful self-awareness, others can't possibly love/appreciate me because I can't show them how. So I have journeyed through full-blown sex/porn addiction, to white-knuckle withdrawal, flatline, then white-hot horniness, to emotional turmoil, to hard-earned self awareness, and now glorious inner peace. I am looking forward to a happy and healthy future....with an occasional Cinnabun! Be well nation. INNER TURMOIL IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 06, 2015, 04:03:20 AM
So inspiring man. I had to laugh about your fending off the tempataions, yes cinnabuns are the worst for me as well, haha...wish it was like that...gnnnn... Dopamine is f*ing everywhere, I can even become hyper-excited by some of the posts here. I know where I want to go, that's important. I'm really happy for you that Israel has been a treat for you. Good luck on your journey, lyon.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 06, 2015, 05:42:36 PM
Day 69 (cont'd): Just home after a wonderful trip. Usually you feel down after a great holiday, but now I'm motivated to get back to work. I'm also seeing my boyfriend tomorrow after an extended absence and can't wait to work off some of this accumulated sexual energy. On my way home, my ex-wife was kind enough to invite me over to dinner. This kids are happily moved in to their new home/rooms and were crawling all over me for attention. I am awed by how quickly children can recover and their smiles/happy faces made me feel even better. Before you think I fart rainbows, I had a quick flash of my former addict self when my ex-wife teared up while saying goodnight as I left to sleep at our former home. Rather than stay with, "Oh here she f*cking goes again!" I was shocked to hear myself saying, "I understand this is hard and that you're in pain and I'm here to help in any way I can." It felt so unreal to be kind/caring that I stunned myself. Good night Reboot Nation! Remember: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on January 06, 2015, 06:40:30 PM
 ;D Way to go buddy. The rewards are coming in for you. And they aren't quick-fix cinnabun-like rewards, they are of the long-lasting kind that really matter.
PS. Not that I have anything against cinnabuns of course  :P
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 07, 2015, 12:21:45 AM
Thanks Horpio. I'm awed by your 91 days. You'll be in double digits in no time. I wanted to thank you again for recommending the '7 Steps' book by Stephen Covey. I finished listening to the audiobook on the plane back from Israel yesterday. It changed both my perspective and my life so thanks. I will no longer communicate with people the same way thanks to the chapters on 'win/win' communication. 

Day 70: Well hot damn if this porn-free princess hasn't reached 70 days. So much has changed in my life in the last two months I am very much looking forward to the future. Before farting another rainbow, I was starting to obsess about kissing some random guy in a gay club in Jerusalem. So I talked through it with my sponsor because I could feel my inner addict coming to the fore again. My inner addict, who I see as myself at 18, tends to present a happy/positive exterior, while quietly raging on the inside. There was a 24 hour dip in my recent trip to Israel when I started to act through the addict's playbook: angry; self-centred; impatient; lonely etc. I now know my triggers: sexual overdrive (the club); booze (getting drunk New Year's Eve); lack of sleep (dancing until 4 a.m.); and lack of exercise. These negative feelings often lead to relapse so I countered with relaxation, a good night's sleep, rented a bike and rode my legs off, and then swam with dolphins in the Red Sea. While I can't play mermaid every day, it's very hard to remain angry and self-centred while swimming with dolphins.

There has been a new development in my life. I now need less sleep than before. I sleep a maximum of 6 hours every night and no longer need an alarm clock. I wake up very motivated to get things done whereas in the past I would sort of pour myself out of bed and think to myself, "Happy f*cking morning." What did I have to look forward to in the past? Another day of jerking off and feeling like sh*t in front of a computer screen? Now I leap out of bed and think about what I'm going to accomplish today.

Anyhow, I'll read a few more of your posts and then get back to work. Be strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 07, 2015, 12:43:47 AM
You really need to consider writing a book of your own, once you,re ready.  You're a very inspirational person, and you actually have something relevant to say.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 07, 2015, 04:28:07 PM
Thanks Poker. Day 70 (cont'd): Just about to turn in for the night. I keep starting my days with the best intentions only to see the reality fizzle out. Perhaps I should set more realistic daily goals? I'll have a think on that before drifting off to sleep. Saw my boyfriend today for lunch. Here was the score: stomach 1 / penis 0 because we didn't have sex (he's nursing a bad back). Ahhh the joys of being gay and 40-something. I got a bit mentally pissy because I was REALLY looking forward to having sex and even pushed him a bit. But I had enough self-control to back off because it takes two to have an intimate moment and few people equate pleasure/intimacy with back spasms. I now see how I've relapsed in the past because I convince myself "I'M FINE" with something and yet dwell on it all day. Then I started to miss my kids, wondered what I'm doing living abroad, should I stay with my BF and down it went. Finally I killed the PMO-bitchiness with a hard workout (back today) at the gym. I find pushing myself physically clears the mind. I'll eventually install a gym at my place for easier access. So today was a 6/10 on the old life scale, but still porn-free so a minor victory. Thanks for reading my stream of consciousness. PORN IS STILL NOT A F*CKING OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 07, 2015, 04:37:31 PM
hi

glad you are having a great trip!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 08, 2015, 04:06:12 AM
Trip's over SMS. But thanks for writing. I've now come crashing back to reality. Day 71: Had a great night's sleep and feel much better. Just about to head to the gym and buy a few things for the apartment that my ex-wife took (washer for example). We agreed to this arrangement so I'm not walking around with clenched fists. While I got a bit down yesterday, I realized this morning that I'm managing my feelings/emotions without even thinking about porn. This is a victory. I can't get too analytical about minor skirmishes (feeling down) as this is simply part of life. Not every day is sing from the mountains 'Sound of Music' swim with dolphin-like highs. I'm still winning the f*cking war (no-PMO)! I have to keep reminding myself:

I am not my mind (an addict)
I am not my thoughts (sex/porn addiction)
I am not my history (pain that resulted in above)
PORN IS NOT AN OPTION

I think I got too used to viewing each day of my life as a sequence of shameful failures, rather than a step towards a meaningful goal. Here is how my addict-self felt at the end of yesterday:

I didn't get to have sex. Sex is very important.
I felt lonely because my kids have moved to a new home. This is my fault because of the divorce.
My boyfriend wasn't paying enough attention to me. Why am I in this relationship?
I didn't get enough work done because of the above. I'll never succeed.

Wow that felt good to write the negative feelings down. Here is my revised version:

Yesterday was a victory because I didn't view porn nor masturbate.
Yes I wanted to have sex, but I had intimate and non-sexual contact with several people who mean a lot to me.
I had a very meaningful conversation with my ex-wife, during which we decided to take time to heal, but still agreed to remain close. She kindly said, "My door is always open when you want to see the kids."
Someone I love invited me over and made me a wonderful lunch.
He asked about my recent trip, was kind and affectionate, and did all of this while in terrible pain.
He could have cancelled, given his terrible back pain, but still had me over because he loves me.
I set some very important life goals yesterday, creating a life mission statement, and came very close to closing a few deals.

The above are two versions of the same day: the first written from the viewpoint of an addict (self-centred, negative, angry); and the second written from the viewpoint of my true self. So today I'm choosing to be the better me. I'm going to give my inner addict the day off and if he comes back, a swift kick in the b*lls should shut him up. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Hopeforus on January 08, 2015, 06:33:41 AM
Keep up the posts.  I'm reading for the first time and trying to get out from porn after say 35 years of it.  The motivation helps.  I like you view on history.  Its just that history not today.  Safe travels.  Thanks for the posts.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 08, 2015, 12:25:58 PM

I think I got too used to viewing each day of my life as a sequence of shameful failures, rather than a step towards a meaningful goal. Here is how my addict-self felt at the end of yesterday:

I didn't get to have sex. Sex is very important.
I felt lonely because my kids have moved to a new home. This is my fault because of the divorce.
My boyfriend wasn't paying enough attention to me. Why am I in this relationship?
I didn't get enough work done because of the above. I'll never succeed.

Wow that felt good to write the negative feelings down. Here is my revised version:

Yesterday was a victory because I didn't view porn nor masturbate.
Yes I wanted to have sex, but I had intimate and non-sexual contact with several people who mean a lot to me.
I had a very meaningful conversation with my ex-wife, during which we decided to take time to heal, but still agreed to remain close. She kindly said, "My door is always open when you want to see the kids."
Someone I love invited me over and made me a wonderful lunch.
He asked about my recent trip, was kind and affectionate, and did all of this while in terrible pain.
He could have cancelled, given his terrible back pain, but still had me over because he loves me.
I set some very important life goals yesterday, creating a life mission statement, and came very close to closing a few deals.

The above are two versions of the same day: the first written from the viewpoint of an addict (self-centred, negative, angry); and the second written from the viewpoint of my true self. So today I'm choosing to be the better me. I'm going to give my inner addict the day off and if he comes back, a swift kick in the b*lls should shut him up. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

lyon, I think this is fantastic man.  To be able to separate what's going on in your life, and take a step back and see it from an addict's point of view vs. a healthy point of view is really a sign of growth.  I want to recommend NLP to you if you're struggling with painful emotions.  Working with sub-modalities really can help in the way we feel about things that have happened to us.  I think you're doing fantastic though, and you're a real inspiration to me man.  Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 08, 2015, 02:51:43 PM
really loved your post!

Read it a few times. 

I do not struggle with the P or the M - not at all.  My struggle continues to be the self loathing, self hatred at having arrived at this point.  I re-read your post to help me understand that these negative emotions do me no good, the negative emotions do not serve me.  They keep me from proactively moving in healing direction with my wife.  I have to step up channel everything into a positive light, with this I can win my wife back, I can earn her back.

thank you!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 08, 2015, 04:25:48 PM
Day 71: End of the day here in Europe my friends. Thanks to everyone for your posts and encouragement. While work was rather sh*t, I'm not getting down on myself. Not everyone can simultaneously manage a business, children, divorce, and coming out at the same time. Sticking with my strategy to stop seeing things as an addict has helped immensely. I can feel this positive attitude helping and, quite honesty, I am my own fan club at the moment so I need it. I've also started trying to work on my relationship with my ex-wife and have had great conversations with her over the past few days. She wants me over more but I'm giving our relationship a 90-day reboot as well. We both need to heal from that co-dependent f*cked up addiction for a marriage. For everyone struggling in a bad relationship or considering divorce, I can honestly tell you that some people (like us) are just happier apart. While everything and everyone is trying to keep you in your sh*tty marriage, sometimes you just have to call time and then perhaps move on. I have. Rather than cry myself to sleep, which I did most of September before quitting porn, I'm seeing this next chapter as a challenge. I'm using the alone time to regroup, heal, set new priorities, and (finally) learn Spanish. (I do a lot of business in Spain but don't really speak the language.) Great things are coming, I will do great things, but nothing great comes from jerking off in front of a computer screen. Put that in a greeting card! I've rambled enough. Goodnight RN. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 08, 2015, 06:17:02 PM
Congrats on 71 days man!  That's a milestone I think.  You've got a lot on your plate, and you're doing really well.  I'm glad to hear you and your ex wife are working on your relationship.  It really helps when it comes to the kids if nothing else.  My ex and I are still friends, and because of this, we've kept custody stuff out of the divorce legalities, and it's so much better that way.  We don't really fit together either, so I know where you're coming from.  Just take this time to improve yourself, and don't worry about your future.  Focus on the here & now and what you can do today to make your life better.  That's what the future is all about...the present.  Keep it up man!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 08, 2015, 06:20:58 PM
Hello lyon, Thank you so much for sharing. Your posts are always inspiring and I am happy to take part in your journey. Well done...71 days, that's awesome, man. I can feel your love and honesty, and it heals me as well. Wishing you happiness and contentment.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 09, 2015, 06:13:44 AM
Day 72: I am a changed man today. I feel at peace and haven't felt this serene in a very very long time. Today, day 72, marks the day I no longer feel like an addict. No that's wrong. Today is the first day I feel like myself...that's who I truly am. Let's call it 'genesis'. It took me this long to strip away all of the sh*tty things that hid my true self, namely:

1. My self-hatred
2. Hiding my homosexuality
3. Addiction
4. Toxic Relationships
5. Obsessiveness
6. Materialistism

1. Self-hatred and 2. The Closet: These had everything to do with low self-esteem. I am now proud to be openly gay but that wasn't always the case. I feel for people struggling with their sexuality, many of whom have contacted me through private messages. I know too well the anxiety of how your friends and family will accept it. Once again, I was my own worst enemy. People who genuinely care about me just want me to be happy. So I am lucky to have both love and acceptance. I learned I could not truly love another until I honestly and genuinely learned to love myself. I don't care where you are on the sexual spectrum - gay, straight, bi-sexual, transsexual, celibate - but only you can honestly determine where you land. One you have accepted the truth, as I did just 2.5 years ago, you are then ready to love others.

3. Addiction: My porn tastes were almost always homosexual. Clearly I was living a parallel existence: straight exterior but a gay fantasy life. My very first internet search was for gay porn. I can actually recall the very first images I saw. Through the dirty lens of addiction, I saw my homosexuality as something deviant and evil. This was wrong. Human sexuality is a gift from God. Unfortunately, #1 and #2 resulted in me lying about who I truly was. I then lived a gay life virtually, before becoming consumed by both porn and sex addictions.

4. Toxic Relationships: We teach others how to treat us, and how they treat us is how we see ourselves. I surrounded myself with people who treated my like sh*t. Some were evil, most were just following my self-deprecating humour. I would excitedly bash myself so they simply followed suit. I married a lovely but emotionally unstable woman and then proceeded to starve her of intimacy, then pulled the rug out from under her life. (It's a miracle she still speaks to me.) It isn't enough to rid ourselves of porn, we also have to clean out the bad relationships that feed addiction. While this took time, I'm glad I ended my marriage, no longer see my jaded in-laws, and thereby relearned some self-respect.

5. Obsessiveness: Porn addiction gave me the attention span of a goldfish. While I could spend 3-4 hours edging to XXX videos, I couldn't work for more than 3 minutes at a time. I am still trying to re-train my brain to work effectively. I have no trouble doing things I consider pleasurable, but once it gets work-related I feel like I'm moving through mud. My porn obsession often spilled over to obsessions about sex, relationships, compulsive spending, you name it. OCD is something I will struggle with my entire life. For example, I have posted close to 400 messages on this website. And yet I have trouble responding to emails from potential clients. I am now struggling to convert that energy into productive efforts for my business, health, service etc. I will eventually get there.

6. Materialism: This is linked to obsessiveness. I thought money = happiness. After all, everything pushes us to consume more based on the idea that more things equals greater joy. How misguided. I have made/lost a lot of money in my short career but never found happiness in either process.

So while I looked at my day in a different light, I'm now looking at the rest of my life in a different light as well. I now see the world in the following light:

1. Honesty: Gone is the lifetime pathological dishonesty. This is such a blessing. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'll never tell another lie, but I no longer lie to myself. These boards are a huge help with honesty. I'd forgotten how good it feels to be honest with others.

2. Building Relationships: Addicts like me only think of what I'd get out of any situation. I was always taking but never giving back. This has changed. I no longer see the world through rat-like darting eyes. With less to hide and living honestly, I find I want to know more about people and, most importantly, what I can learn (rather than take) from them. This is a game changer for me.

3. Love/Intimacy: A recent trip alone taught me to love myself again. My self-hatred often took the form of blame. I'd blame my wife, my kids, the weather, anyone. I now find myself enjoying life so much more because I love myself, and show others how to love/respect me as well.

4. Independence/Self-Confidence: This is a work in progress. For too long I looked outside of myself to find happiness. Unfortunately, porn/addiction/sex was my external outlet. Now living on my own, I'm going to take 6 months to 1 year just re-learning who I am and what my true priorities are. I have a boyfriend and he's wonderful but I no longer obsess every moment whether he loves me or think, "Where is this going?" I find much more joy in our shared time together when I just enjoy the present, rather than obsess about the future.

5. Health/Spirituality: I am an unabashed gym rat. I work out regularly and am happy to have gone from pear-shaped to v-shaped in the last few years. I find exercise an excellent outlet for stress, anger, and lingering sexual urges. Exercise results in better sleep, which gives me the quiet moments to reflect, meditate, and pray. I am enjoying this new serenity.

Well KUMBAYA b*tches! This post is turning into an Oprah Lifeclass. In closing, I have starved my inner addict of the emotions and stimuli that resulted in my decades-long porn obsession. This is letting me get back to who I really am. And I'm happy to write I really like that person. Thanks for reading my rambling post. Be well nation! PORN IS NOT THE REAL ME.   






Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 09, 2015, 07:22:04 AM
Thanks lyon for this awesome post. I'm so happy for you! You're a wonderful man and letting your love shine and your light radiate is a blessing for all of us. Have a good one.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 09, 2015, 12:58:46 PM
Day 72 (cont'd): End of the work day here in Europe. Off to have dinner with my ex-wife and kids. Can't wait to see them as it's been a few days. The struggle these days is less about fighting the porn addiction and more about getting back to work. A semi-productive work day today, but not breaking any productivity records just yet. I guess that will be my phase II goal. Have a good weekend Rebooters. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 10, 2015, 03:55:51 AM
Day 73: Good morning from war-torn Europe. All clean/sober here on the Old Continent. I realized my 90-day Reboot will end on my birthday. That reduced me to tears yesterday. Just when you thought you couldn't cry any more, Niagara Falls! With that realization, I feel an overwhelming need to move from virtual recovery (via obsessively posting on this website) to a more real-world recovery. I think I've posted pretty much every single thought my brain could throw at me here, so I'm going to post a bit less, or perhaps more succinctly, and make real life my glorious new obsession. That means love, family, work, and healthy living. I will still of course follow your threads as your posts/sharing help me understand my addiction. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes an army to heal a porn addict. Off to the gym then brunch with my ex-wife and kids. Be well everyone. LIFE IS INDEED BEAUTIFUL. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 10, 2015, 04:27:50 AM
Sounds good lyon.  I think it's a definite step in the right direction to get more involved in your real life, than to just post on here.  Be well brother, and let us know if you need anything.  Stay strong.  I'm right behind you  :)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 10, 2015, 07:37:46 AM
In a very unexpected way, Day 90 could be your best birthday ever, my friend. 

Keep going, and thank you for the constant effort you make to inspire and encourage others, me included. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ianmac on January 10, 2015, 10:48:32 PM
Been reading your journal (up to your Day 34 so far).  I'm really amazed and encouraged by your story and progress.  You're not only helping yourself, but others here also.  Thank you, Lyon.

P.S.  Also at your recommendation, I'm over 1/3 of the way through Gary's YBOP book.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 10, 2015, 10:58:49 PM
Day 74: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Very (read: heavy) early here in Europe. I just leapt out of bed this morning because I had so much to do/accomplish. In keeping with my plan to live a real and fulfilling life, rather than living virtually (through screens), I'm going to post shorter, more succinct, messages. I was simply exchanging a porn obsession for a forum/recovery obsession. "Brevity is the soul of wit." The 24-hour period Friday night to Saturday showed me what my future life paradigm will be. In 24 hours I: had dinner with my ex-wife and kids; then brunch with them the following morning; worked out twice; started re-furnishing/renovating my apartment; took my youngest son to the swimming pool (just father/son); and took my daughter +niece out to dinner/bowling. All this and not a whiff of tension between my ex-wife and me. Life is so much better without porn and I must admit it's truly better to live early recovery without the porn/d*ck/sex obsessions as well. Today I'm starting another counter and another goal. I need to get back to working regularly. So I now have until my birthday (Jan 28/15) to start working a regular 8-hour day. That starts today. While I've worked hard on my recovery, that was just to get my head above water so to speak. Now I'm just a normal dad who has to re-start the process of becoming an extraordinary person. That started yesterday and will continue for the rest of my life. Time to get off my beloved forum my friends and start my new journey to being Mr. Fabulous. Be strong nation. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.   
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 11, 2015, 02:29:21 AM
Given the choice....  a board recovery obsession is infinitely better than a PMO obsession.....  and the upside, you're an absolute inspiration to so many people.....   Not just because you're recovering from a PMO addiction, but you acknowledged your issues ran deeper than that, and you're changing your whole life..... 

So many people think that just by stopping porn, that everything is going to change.  And while it's true, porn causes real problems in people's lives, there is a reason why myself and so many others relied on it as a crutch.  So many people miss the 'root cause' that sent them down this road.

While I don't want to impede your progress by asking....  please feel free to post often.  You encourage so many people here.  I wish that I had the ambition on most days to be as supportive as you are to so many.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 11, 2015, 09:11:44 AM
Lyon:  "Now I'm just a normal dad who has to re-start the process of becoming an extraordinary person"

You've already started that journey, my friend.  Extraordinary dad, extraordinary person - I see that in your present and future.

But to echo Poker, yes, please come back and post often.  Living offline is a great thing and a lot of us strive to do so, but (selfishly) your posts and prompts have really helped a LOT of us.  You're whipsmart, you're encouraging, you're positive, and you have great empathy for your fellow addicts.  We need you around here, but only on your terms, of course.  Drop in, check in, stay connected, but do what you need to be that extraordinary person, first and foremost.  Wherever the journey takes you, but we're here when you need us or want to check in. 

Be well, and here's to an amazing year for you, my friend.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 11, 2015, 09:02:33 PM
I connect with your reboot/recovery obsession Lyon. I have/had it too. I had an awakening about my obsessions and compulsions. I realized that I id not have to oblige that line of thinking. I think I wanted everyone to feel sympathy for me and my addict story. Just part of my self-centered addict attitude I suppose. Don't let this forum be a time waster or an escape from focusing on the neverending list of things we must do as providers and good men. Use it as a place to recharge, rest, and connect with your brothers before conquering your next summit. I have no doubt that greatness awaits you.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 12, 2015, 01:34:36 AM
Day 75: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Still PMO-free here in Europe. In fact, I now feel like my former addict-self was someone else. For everyone struggling with early recovery, my first 30 days were absolute hell. Shaky legs, flu-like symptoms, night sweats, spontaneous boners, and raging hormones/emotions. It was like a combination of puberty with a bad cold. My withdrawal faded around the 45-day mark, but I was then confronted with the more difficult task of managing the emotional side of recovery. I can now see this is where I was most vulnerable. Remove the drug and all the pent-up emotions that resulted in my decades-long addiction come to the surface. When I reach 90 days (on my birthday coincidentally), I'll post in greater detail about how exactly I did it. But I feel that to have sustained recovery, I had to start dealing with all the emotional sh*t that got me here. That took me to some very dark and painful places although thankfully I didn't have to go through it alone. As I start fresh this Monday morning, I realize every day can be a new day and a fresh start. Yes we may have lingering issues with careers, debts, etc. But these problems are largely in our heads and part of our history. In 2014, I finally confronted my addiction, divorce, coming out, and eventually renewal. Any one of these things alone could have killed me, but I made it because of a rock-hard foundation poured with the best concrete: the truth. I'll write more tomorrow and wish everyone a happy and addiction-free day.

 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 12, 2015, 01:36:47 AM
:)
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 12, 2015, 08:46:52 AM
UPDATE: What a roller coaster! If you ever underestimated your mind's ability to f*ck with you, read on. As I previously posted, now in early recovery from my porn addiction, I am currently trying to focus on rebuilding my business. (This is less about business/money/success, and more about my damaged self-esteem.) Looking at my past history, I have a lifelong habit of self-destructing. I would both succeed and fail rather spectacularly. Now when any form of success is near, be it personal or financial, I deliberately and consistently f*ck it up. So I treated this problem like I treated my porn addiction. I've read up on it, came up with a strategy, and today was ready to execute. The problem is simple. In my heart of hearts, I never believed I deserved happiness and success because I have such a low opinion of myself. In short, I truly thought I sucked. Addiction and low self-esteem are clearly linked in my opinion, feeding one another. In my family, there are generations of alcoholics on my mother's side. Like me, these men were also: charismatic, creative, intelligent, and completely unsure of themselves. While I chose porn/sex rather than booze, it's addiction all the same. It's running from the pain. Unlike addiction, however, these problems are genetic. So my biggest internal battle yet is over self-esteem/self-confidence. Little did I know the porn-reboot-like proportions it would take on today. So day 1 of "operation feel good" started strongly. Then it quickly degenerated. Here is the chronology:

9:30 a.m. Just when I was thinking, "Wow, this is the most focused I've been at work in years. I feel great!" WHAM! I get the biggest migraine I've ever had.
9:45 a.m. Quick trip to the pharmacy to buy some anti-migraine medication that normally helps.
10:00 a.m. No dice. The medication did nothing. The migraine came on full force. This wasn't just a minor headache. This was a 5-alarm-core-breach-knitting-needle-through-the-back-of-my-f*cking-eye type migraine. As if the migraine wasn't bad enough....
10:15 I then got the shakes, could NOT warm up, and went home to lie down (my office is next to my apartment.) I was fully clothed, under three layers of covers, and still shaking.
10:30 Tried to sleep in a dark room. This is the only way to beat a migraine.
11:00 As if it couldn't get worse, I then started throwing up. It was like full-on heroin withdrawal.
12:30 Shaky recovery. No more headache. Just a "what the f*ck just happened?" feeling.

This wasn't a walk in the park but strangely I LOVED the pain. As I learned during PMO withdrawal, I know that PAIN = HEALING. Clearly my new attitude cut off something my brain needed so it threw everything it had at me. And I survived! Even when I was dry heaving because I had nothing left (sorry for that visual), I was saying, "Bring it on motherf*cker!" I know that sounds f*cked up but I know I'm healing something else and pain is just part of that. My brain was so used to me feeling like sh*t, it was like the most addictive drug possible. Clearly more addictive that porn. When I cut that drug off this morning, my brain went postal. The scariest thing happened during the worst of my migraine. The pain was so bad, it was as if a rat was munching away on the left front side of my brain. I then thought to myself, "I'll do anything to make this pain go away." Bingo! That's when it dawned on me. That's addiction. My addictions dulled the pain, while killing me at the same time. Now I'm fine. All of this happened in my own mind over a three-hour period. Scary isn't it? My morning meltdown showed me I can now take anything and everything my mind throws at me. HEALING IS A F*CKING OPTION. I'm never going to give up. I'm going to fight like hell for the life I deserve. Back to work...and perhaps round 2, 3, or 4! 


   


Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Phase2 on January 12, 2015, 09:46:13 AM
Way to go Lyon. You crossed a big bridge today. Hang tough, man you are getting stronger every day!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 12, 2015, 10:43:54 AM
These migraines are a regular occurrence Lyon? I'm concerned that there might be health issues involved. I don't mean to scare you but my uncle had an anurism and experienced symptoms very similar to yours. Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 12, 2015, 11:24:28 AM
Way to liven it up Chief! Thanks for your support/caring friends. I get migraines about every 2 years, usually due to stress. Today I know it was just my brain f*cking with me. But if it's an aneurism CMitch, I owe you a beer! Be well brothers.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 12, 2015, 03:17:06 PM
Day 75 (cont'd): So much for my efforts to post less and more succinctly. Well it's my thread, so my rules brothers! What a difference a day makes. I started off bright and early with great intentions, then my existential/migraine barf-o-rama crisis (read above), and now capping off one of my best sales days in years. Call it what you may, but reboot is anything but dull. I worked hard-ish let's call it. So I got the results, but was still a bit distracted. I have to thank everyone for reading, posting encouragement, and so honestly sharing. Post-crisis today, my first reaction would have been to have a nice long PMO session. Today my first reaction was to check in here and share my experiences. It's a welcome and wonderful change. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my boyfriend and some friends. Then I'm staying over at his place (grrrrrr). While I'm getting better at controlling my sexual urges, it would be an understatement to write that I'm looking forward to seeing him. Be well my friends. SCHIZOID-INDUCED MIGRAINES ARE NOT AN OPTION (inside joke if you haven't read my last posts). 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 12, 2015, 04:13:06 PM
glad to hear you are feeling better - those things are no fun.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Bestyear2015 on January 12, 2015, 07:52:02 PM
I can relate to what your saying about loving the pain. I now view it as something that is gonna catapult me to the next level. Its so weird to think this way, when you tackle pain head on without resorting to a quick fix it makes you feel stronger, more confident and on top of the world when you have overcome. Keep it up!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 13, 2015, 01:23:30 AM
Hey Lyon, Thanks for sharing, what an amazing story! I used to believe that pain should be avoided at all costs and that people who thought different were masochists in disguise. Through withdrawal I realised that pain does make you stronger, so I can totally relate to your bring-it-on attitude. If your brain f*cks with you, you have to turn it around and punch the motherf*cker in the face - hard. Well done, mate. We can do it!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 13, 2015, 01:41:35 AM
Day 76: Thanks everyone for your kind posts of encouragement. Had a great sleep last night and no urge whatsoever to PMO. I also started the day by working for an hour and then came here. I have to start putting first priorities first. I am astounded at what happened yesterday, namely the power of the mind. Stupefying really that the entire episode was my brain creating a physical reaction (migraine/vomiting/shivers) simply because I consciously stopped hating myself. I prefer to see it like porn withdrawal which also caused flu-like symptoms, aches, night shakes, head rushes, and boners. Rather than fear this power, I prefer to see it as an opportunity. Rather than focus all of my physical and mental energies into self-hatred and addiction (both negative), today I start to harness that raw energy towards achieving my life's goals. The next 48 hours are going to be great. I'm hosting my kids for lunch, then dinner with my boyfriend, overnight at his place (grrr), then tomorrow night a swanky consular cocktail reception. While I am trying to keep this thread positive, I am still and always will be a recovering porn addict. So I also wanted to send a shout out to everyone struggling with PMO addiction. Yes it isn't a walk in the park, however we are greater than our addictions. Once I let go of the guilt/shame/self-hatred, I started my journey to become a better person. Be well nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

   


 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 13, 2015, 02:07:43 AM
Wow...  Never a dull moment over there.

Glad you bounced back.  You're a different man that you were a year ago.  Great job!

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 13, 2015, 06:54:45 AM
Your journey is quite remarkable, Lyon.  Thanks for sharing.  Yes, the idea that the pain was healing because you didn't try to escape from it is a powerful one and one we can all learn from. 

We're all racing away from the slightest discomfort - it's a human thing to do.  But to face it, to dwell in it and let it have sway over you until its done…well, that's like standing in the storm and surviving it.  So, congrats.  Sorry you had to endure that, but congrats for handling it so well and for an attitude that shows remarkable strength and courage.

And I'm glad you changed your rules about posting.  We were all going to miss you if you up and disappeared on us.  ;-)

Welcome back. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 13, 2015, 10:18:12 AM
And I'm glad you changed your rules about posting.  We were all going to miss you if you up and disappeared on us.  ;-)

Charmer! Well yesterday's barf-o-rama certainly exorcised something. Given my work performance yesterday afternoon and all-day today, I'm a new man. I haven't worked this hard and this focused in years. It's heaven. And to top it all off, I'm about to leave for dinner with at my BF's house with some friends. I can only assume yesterday (read what happened above) was my addiction's last stand. Well I won. Not every day is going to be rainbows and unicorns, but what a relief to no longer be the same hopeless, PMO loser I was 76 days ago. I couldn't have made it this far without the love and support of everyone on this site. Your shares, encouragement, and b*lls out compassion not only saved me, but will continue to sustain me through recovery.

Be well everyone. LIFE IS INDEED BEAUTIFUL. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 13, 2015, 11:31:11 AM
Pain serves a purpose in life...  While it is not pleasant, it is one of life's greatest teachers.

As always, wish you the best

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 13, 2015, 04:34:39 PM
You are an inspiration to all of us as we continue on this path.

Keep up the good fight!  Enjoy dinner.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on January 13, 2015, 06:56:01 PM
 :) Made time to catch up on all your posts. Good luck with the business. I'm sure you'll do what is needed to take that to the next level. Your mind is clear, so you can easily come up with new strategies to meet any challenges.
I recognize your need to focus more on your 'offline' life. Maybe it's a natural progression as you put distance between yourself and the PMO addiction. But as you've heard so many fellow rebooters say - don't disappear (not that you're planning to). Your posts, story, honesty, charisma and support has helped a lot of us. Your involvement here will be a continuous anchor for yourself too, double-edged sword kind of thingy  8)

Best to you brotha   
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 14, 2015, 04:52:46 AM
Day 77: Success! Great dinner with the BF and some friends last night. Then the best wake up sex ever which, after 2 weeks of celibacy, I REALLY needed. No problem with the equipment whatsoever so the days of limp-noodle fapping and trickle orgasm PMO sessions appear to be a thing of the past. Without getting too graphic, the intensity and quantity of my orgasms is almost embarassing. I also dreamed of relapsing last night. I recall dreaming that I saw a porn website. I woke up around 5 a.m. feeling so ashamed. But if you're going to relapse, it may as well be while dreaming rather than in real life. What is interesting is the revulsion I felt at having viewed pornography. Perhaps that's a good thing. Now post-coital I'm more relaxed, so it's back to work. Short but sweet post. Thanks everyone for your kind shares and encouragement. I'd like to invite you all out for dinner, but alas that will never happen. Be strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chris73 on January 14, 2015, 05:21:07 AM
Hi Lyon, Im happy for you, man!

Thanks for posting! It`s so good to be returning to "normal" life (whatever it means), no? Slowly and steadily things get better. When dreaming, everything goes, so dont worry about relapsing there - your subconscious may be telling you something, like recalling you about your goals. Good luck in your ongoing journey to a better life!

I`m still to reply to your late posts - didnt forget, but still wrapped in that drama with my crush (we made it again on Saturday, unexpectedly), and being mindful about many thoughts. Not in the mood to write so far, but soon I will.

Wish you all the best, brother!! I`ll accept that dinner, if you dont mind :p
Cheers!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chris73 on January 14, 2015, 05:24:41 AM
Just to let you know, I totally agree with Horpio`s last post. You`re an inspiration to us all, man.
Keep going and doing your best!!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 14, 2015, 12:05:37 PM
Thanks lyon for posting on my page man, glad the video helped you out as much as it did me.  Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad I'm not seeing you as much on here man; I think it's fantastic that you're getting out and reclaiming your life.  These forums are great as we can support each other, but they are only a tool to help us in our lives...so definitely put the priority on your life and improving it.  I totally agree with everyone else that has posted so far, that you're an inspiration and a great friend and supporter on here for other guys, but take time out for yourself and to live your life too.  You deserve it man!  I'm here for ya if you need anything. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Pheonix on January 14, 2015, 02:51:42 PM
Congratulations Lyon. You are really turning the corner here. Life really is great on the other side of this addiction!

I thought of you last night as I was reading a book. I think it may go a long way to solving your productivity problem at work. It is called "The Motivation Manifesto" by Brendon Burchard. I highly recommend it! I am totally on fire with energy and motivation to live this life porn free!

Best to you.

-P
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 15, 2015, 01:19:29 AM
Day 78: Thanks Phoenix, I'll buy the book today. I want the rest of my life to be like the last 48 hours:

- Dinner (and laughter) with good friends
- Spending time with someone I love
- Gettin' busy with someone I love!
- Evening of fun/networking but while learning as well
- Working effectively and seeing results (via sales)
- Truly listening and connecting with people

Last night erased 11 shitty years of addiction. I attended a conference hosted by the Canadian Consulate in a nearby city. There was a distinguished panel complete with the Consul General, bankers, intellectuals etc. It's the type of event I often attended when I first started my career. Rather than fidget with my phone, think about porn, and generally give off a vibe like I'd rather be masturbating, I really listened and then participated during the Q&A session. Fast forward and I've been spontaneously invited to a swanky dinner and seated at the head table next to the Consul. I was like, "Wha!?" Just over two months ago, my day consisted of searching desperately for porn videos I hadn't seen. Yes that's right. I had watched so much porn, it was difficult to find something new. Pathetic! Well yesterday, the former addict me officially died. I was the guy everyone wanted to talk to. I was truly connecting with people, not by the force of my personality, but by listening to what others had to say. I was f*cking magnetic. It was such a rush.

I love this quote: "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving." Brothers, it isn't just a banquet, it's a Carnival-cruise-shaved-ice-dessert-section-mega-feast of a f*cking banquet. (Mine also has an entire section dedicated to just shrimp and sushi.) Porn/addiction simply killed my appetite. I now get it. My problems went much deeper than addiction. My PMO habit was simply the result of a lifelong and deeply-engrained self-hatred. PMO-free, I love myself. You cannot give nor receive love while an addict. Addiction = self-hatred. While in the depths of addiction, I was not only destroying myself, but also the lives of those around me. Sobriety = happiness. Porn filled a hole in my soul that I've now slowly started to refill with the good things in life: love; friendship; and happiness. It's a wonderful feeling. 

So yes it's day 78 and I'm happy about that, but I'll never use porn again. Life is just too good without it. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Jaystock on January 15, 2015, 07:48:37 AM
I understand, completely. When I get around people  now, it's like they are attracted  to talk to me. I love having  conversations  with people. I'm not sure why that is (like it though ). When I think  about what a better father, husband,  and friend I've become,  I almost get teared  up.. what a sick existence we had, a few months  ago. We are 100% different (better ) humans  than we were 3 or 4 months ago. Thank you for being  here lyon. Porn is not an option, ever
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 15, 2015, 07:59:57 AM
AMEN!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 15, 2015, 10:58:56 AM
I love this quote: "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving." Brothers, it isn't just a banquet, it's a Carnival-cruise-shaved-ice-dessert-section-mega-feast of a f*cking banquet. (Mine also has an entire section dedicated to just shrimp and sushi.) Porn/addiction simply killed my appetite. I now get it. My problems went much deeper than addiction. My PMO habit was simply the result of a lifelong and deeply-engrained self-hatred. PMO-free, I love myself. You cannot give nor receive love while an addict. Addiction = self-hatred. While in the depths of addiction, I was not only destroying myself, but also the lives of those around me. Sobriety = happiness. Porn filled a hole in my soul that I've now slowly started to refill with the good things in life: love; friendship; and happiness. It's a wonderful feeling. 


I love what you said here, lyon!  I think you've nailed the hammer on the head, as to why we're all experiencing such vast differences in the way we view ourselves and the interactions we have with others.  We're happy and no longer satisfied with what we have, and are reaching for more.  We are now self-starters, and not only are we taking, but we're giving too, no one likes to be around just a taker, but everyone wants to be around a giver.  If you're so depleted with your life energy, you've got nothing to give; if you have an abundance, you can give it away and it just comes back to you.  Love this man!  You're doing so great.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 15, 2015, 11:48:13 AM
It sounds like you're acknowledging, and dealing with a lot "root-cause issues" in your life.

Their is a reason why as adults we think the way we do...  Why we lean towards this political party or that party... Why we love women or hate women...  Why we handle money certain ways, why we have or don't have certain social or performance anxieties...

picture this...  A blank piece of paper, and you're going to draw a garden.  You draw a line 3/4 of the way down (ground).  Next you add the flowers, and some shrubs...  The brightest flowers represent the great things in your life... The shrubs are our mundane habits...  But what happens in every garden?  Weeds.  The shitty things in our lives...  So, add the weeds. 

There is something missing.  The reason for every good thing, mundane thing, and shitty thing... The root-cause.  Now draw your roots below the surface...

To keep this generic, picture a guy with anger problems who often explodes at his kids over nothing...

One of the weeds in his garden is the anger problem...  So, in life we weed our garden...  And he tells his wife he's sorry and will stop yelling at the kids...  That is a lot like pulling out a dandy lion with your hand...  You only get the top, and root stays in the ground...  Guess what, in a few weeks the weed is back.

Let's now focus on his kids...  What are they going to grow up to be like having been traumatized weekly?  How are they going to be screwed up in life? We now know what the root cause of their problems are, and they would likely need a good deal of counselling to get that root out of their garden...

What are the roots that caused dad's issue?  He would have to dig deep and figure that out and deal with it to fix it...  Most people don't understand if you don't address the root, it will always re-surface.   

I'm a life long Toronto Maple Leafs fan....  People I love growing up were Leafs fans, and I became one.  Its an emotional attachment.  I myself will need years of therapy to help me stop cheering for those bums.  :(

Long post... But some deep shit for sure.



Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 15, 2015, 04:08:18 PM
Let me add this to my little analogy.....   

The power of positive thinking is in itself a good thing.  Sometimes, however its not enough. 

In my angry dad example, he could easily see that he's angry, and may honesty feel really bad.  He may tell himself, "starting right now, there is going to be a brand new me!"  That alone will not fix his problem.  While it's a positive statement, he is just plucking the top off the weed....  How many times in your life have you told yourself you're going to change this or that.... and after a little while its the same old you, repeating the same old mistakes.

Root-cause is powerful shit.....  It forces you to address the "why this is happening".   You have to dig deep and address the problems and issues entirely.  If you don't pluck the entire root out, you will always have the weed in your garden...  be it anger, self esteem, depression, Leafs fan, failed marriages and relationships, failed business ventures, voting Liberal every election.....   what ever the weeds in your garden are, figure out what the root is.  How it got planted there, and deal with it.

Easier said then done, and in some cases professional counseling is needed.  However, understanding this puts you leaps and bounds closer to a weed free garden....  and, a beautiful life, than you could ever imagine.

Cheers,

p.
 

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 16, 2015, 04:06:37 AM
Thanks Poker. Only a fellow Canadian could combine hockey with philosophy. Day 79 brothers! On the eve of breaking 80, I can almost taste my 90-day reboot goal. There is a great section in the book "Breaking the Habit" by George Collins entitled "How good can you stand it?" Collins writes:

"The conscious and unconscious aspects of [your] mind do a good job of hiding the real you. They continue, at a blistering rate, to spin countless stories to keep you quite diverted. These stories, projections, and memories keep you preoccupied with the past or future, rather than being in the here and now. A lot of what your mind throws up and at you is based on fear, shame, pain, self-doubt, judgement, and anger. What you're missing is what is happening in each moment."

Porn distracts us from life. It kills the loving connection we should have with our world and the people in it. In my case, it warped and corrupted me into something disgusting, twisted, and evil. I feel like I'm getting back to the real me. I can now calmly sit and chat with my ex-wife like I did last night. I babysat the kids while she was out and we had another great conversation upon her return. I am thrilled to see my family healing and am no longer saddened my absence made it possible. It's just the truth.

Now that porn has less sway over me, I am now starting a new and exciting chapter: rebooting my life. This includes first getting back my concentration, then re-building my business, being a good father again, buying my dream home, learning new languages, love, travel, music, you name it. I am re-learning how to live in the moment. It is both terrifying and exquisite.

Tomorrow I'm throwing myself a birthday dinner (even though my birthday is at the end of the month). It's nothing big just 4 friends, my sexy BF, and me. This will be the first birthday in about 20 years that I'll feel good about myself. It will no doubt be one of many wonderful moments to come in my new life.

Be strong my friends. LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 16, 2015, 06:10:06 AM
Whoa, good for you, Lyon!   What a series of great posts I'm seeing here!

Happy early birthday, and more than anything, congrats to the pronouncement of the death of the old "Porn You" that existed.

I know you know you need to stay vigilant, because even if that old version of you is dead, there's always the zombie/resurrection phenomenon.  But your aversion to porn, your positive traction, and your new connections all point toward the rebirth of the saner, sober you!  How amazing is that? 

Good for you, for the great sex, for the great opportunities, for the great feeling you've earned so you can truly be proud of who you are.

Rock on, my friend.  You're inspiring us all.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 17, 2015, 12:50:18 AM
Day 80! Quick post as I'm up early to take my son to his soccer tournament. As I close in on the end of three months, I'm a changed man. I don't know how to describe it. Porn put me in a smeared glass box. I could see and hear (badly) what was going on in the world, but not participate. Due to addiction, so many wonderful things were missing: touch, smell, texture, etc. At the beginning of my reboot journey, I started smashing my way to freedom. Armed with sobriety, you swing away. It starts with a crack, then tiny hole, then full-blown breach, and eventually the whole thing comes crashing down on you. Breaking out of my addiction box gave my life a technicolour texture I had truly forgotten. This is a very good thing. Yesterday I worked around my apartment, renovating this and that, did a bit of office work, stopped by the lawyer's office to finalise the divorce, then dropped by my ex-wife's house to have a chat and take my eldest son out to dinner. We had a great time. He's a wonderful kid although when in my foggy porn-o-box of addiction, I didn't even notice. I do have regrets about lost time, but that won't stop me from re-building my life. That starts with being a good father to my three kids. I'm off. Busy day today: soccer; brunch with the ex-wife; meeting up with the boyfriend this afternoon; then my b-day dinner party. Thanks for reading brothers. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: avesraggiana on January 17, 2015, 01:07:58 AM
You are my newest idol and super hero!  Well done, Lyon!  I got a huge burst of inspiration reading your journal from start to finish!  I can’t wait to get to my ninety days!  Maybe my old boyfriend will come back too and will become a new type of boyfriend because I’ve become a new type of man. 

Thank you for leading by example, and for being so generous in sharing your journey.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 17, 2015, 08:33:12 AM
Lyon,

I hear you on the smudgy box analogy.  A couple of years ago, I went on a six day meditation retreat.  We spent most of the time in silence.  Meals were over an hour long and talking was discouraged.  We were invited to simply pay attention to our food as we ate.  I have to admit, it was the first time in my life that I can recall actually being present when I had a meal.  I'm always talking, or reading, or doing something distracting.  To sit with my food and taste it - really taste it - and realize what a gift and how amazing each bite was…that's what I imagine being free of this addiction is like.  Everything we put around us to cocoon us from the world eventually falls away and we start to feel again. 

That's what I'm experiencing.  I had a trio of meetings on Thursday with clients and - for the first time in a long time - I felt like I was really engaged and telling them what they needed to do rather than reacting and letting someone else take the lead.  I was a solutions guy rather than just a "whatever you need, I'll deliver" order-taker.  It's how progress feels, and I'll take it any day over sitting in the dark watching fetish videos.

I want to keep feeling things.  I want to keep knowing what the present moment feels like rather than retreating into fantasy.  You're setting a great example for us all as to how it is done.  Thank you.

Keep going.  We're right here, cheering you on.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ianmac on January 17, 2015, 10:23:57 PM
Lyon,

Thanks for sharing your new life out of the box.  It's great to see what you have now compared to what you used to have and to see what we have to look forward to when we get out of that box too.

Ian
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 18, 2015, 04:07:29 PM
Day 81: What a week! I went from paralysing migraines, to a consular dinner, to throwing my own birthday party, to an even deeper sense of intimacy with my boyfriend. This will be a quick post as I'm heading to bed. My birthday dinner last night was a blast. Great food (I cooked), fun friends, excellent wine/champagne, and my favourite dessert: bananas flambées (highly symbolic as I too am a flamer). This coming week I hope to set my recovery on a more even course. I can see while scanning my previous posts I tended to keel from near depression to the highest of highs. Rather than try to conquer Everest every week, I'm going to go about things in a less obsessive way. That means being a good father, working steady hours, setting realistic goals, and, most importantly, staying on a rigid work/exercise/diet/reading/sleep schedule. I no longer have any desire whatsoever to watch porn nor masturbate. Now the struggle is early warning. This means managing the emotions/habits that led me down the path of addiction, namely: dishonesty; shame; sloth; and anger. But I will write this: it is wonderful to move from virtual recovery via obsessive posting on this website, to more real-life recovery through meaningful relationships. Indeed life is beautiful. Thanks for reading and be well my friends.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Patrick on January 18, 2015, 05:15:46 PM
Good luck, my friend, you're awesome. Thanks for all the wonderful posts, and maybe you can come back some time and post some more if it fits. Wishing you much happiness and continuing sobriety.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on January 18, 2015, 06:27:11 PM
Congrats on your progress
What a week! I went from paralysing migraines, to a consular dinner, to throwing my own birthday party, to an even deeper sense of intimacy with my boyfriend.
...I no longer have any desire whatsoever to watch porn nor masturbate. Now the struggle is early warning. This means managing the emotions/habits that led me down the path of addiction, namely: dishonesty; shame; sloth; and anger.
You are doing it, you're making your life more beautiful.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: avesraggiana on January 18, 2015, 08:17:18 PM
Hello again, lyon3.

I’m happy and a little wistful that you won’t be needing this forum anymore.  After all, the whole point of PIED recovery is to get to the point where you will no longer need support and encouragement and guidance. 

I wish you well in everything you do.  Please keep your journal available on this forum.  I know it will be a great source of inspiration and assurance for those of us remaining, and for the many more yet to come.

Be well always.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 19, 2015, 01:54:38 AM
Day 82: Thank you everyone for your kind posts of encouragement. You all know how much the support matters, no matter where we are in our lives/recovery. As I close in on my goal of a 90-day Reboot, I am both thrilled and a little scared. I have so rarely taken things in my life to any conclusion. I too often chose to run from life's problems/challenges. Porn was but a symptom of my cowardice. As I look back on my life, I am reminded of this wonderful quote from T.S. Eliot:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

After 42 years of pain and suffering, some real and much imagined, I now know myself. And as Eliot wrote, I know myself perhaps for the first time. For me, porn was but the tip of the iceberg. It was the act that resulted from a deeply-engrained self-hatred. I hated my homosexuality, I hated my weakness, I hated myself for failing so often. Reboot alone cannot change your life. It simply lifts the fog to expose whatever resulted in addiction. Without the porn fog, I was confronted with a loveless marriage, deep anger, lies, deceptions, cheating, and wounded children. One by one I tackled these problems. It was a f*cking nightmare. This was less courage and more necessity. I was simply rebuilding what I had destroyed.

For me, the hardest part of Reboot was a scary self-awareness. The one constant in every sh*tty situation in my life was me. I was to blame. I was my own worst enemy. This was hard to accept. Ultimately I chose to be my own best friend. Once I learned to love myself, porn no longer had a place in my life. I don't need it anymore. Life is about friends, family, travel, love, good food, great sex....I could go on. I guess the ultimate choice is whether we want to live our lives on a screen or just b*lls out live it in the real world. I choose reality. Yes it can f*cking hurt sometimes, but I've learned that without pain there can be no happiness. Thanks for reading my rambling post. Be well nation! REAL LIFE IS AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 19, 2015, 12:10:06 PM
No.  Tackling those issues was courage. It would have been so easy to take any easy escape, and keep your head buried. 

Instead, you made a dedicated decission for actual change, and have accepted both the responsibilities of past failure and the responsibility of future change and success.  You have committed to multiple changes and improvements in your life...  So many only address the PIED. 

I am very proud of what you've set out to accomplish, if not a wee bet envious.  Great job.

I will now give you the exact same advice and warning I give new board members... 

I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away,(and finding yourself in it will be just as bad.)

Congrats on nearing your milestone!


Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 19, 2015, 11:34:08 PM
I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away.

Day 83: What a great quote Poker. You mentioned being envious of my goals/accomplishments. Don't be. Just like everyone else on this website, I too am but a click away from relapse and your quote reminded me to remain both humble and hungry for recovery. It's very early in the morning here in Europe as I couldn't sleep. Too many projects/goals/dreams racing through my head. I'll post here quickly and then go back to bed. I'm just a week away from both my birthday and 90-day reboot goal and am still in, "What the f*ck?" mode.

In addition to Reboot, one of my other goals was to get back to work. I spent roughly 11 years surfing porn daily at the office. It got to a point that I couldn't concentrate anymore. When I timed my attention span just two months ago, I couldn't concentrate for more than a pathetic 3 minutes. Yesterday gave me hope because I could stay on task and focused for several hours at a time. So I am confident I'll be back to working a full 8-hour day by my birthday. More importantly, I am enjoying work again. I can now listen to my employees, share ideas, and delegate more than I ever have in the past. I realized I had created a professional life that simply financed my addiction. Now I'm trying to concentrate on having fun while also making money. By changing the focus from white-knuckle timing my work hours with a stopwatch, to setting weekly, monthly, and annual goals, I've freed myself from obsessively watching another screen (namely my mobile phone's stopwatch).

My life has changed on so many levels, but I experienced three major revelations during this process:

1. I am a porn addict and had no control whatsoever over my addiction.
2. I am an egocentric pr*ck: both self-centred while at the same time self-loathing.
3. I obsess about everything, namely what others think of me.

I could accomplish nothing while the above evil trinity dominated my life. Through reboot, I am learning some control over my addiction; am working on no longer being the black hole at the centre of my universe (snuffing out all light); and I am now just learning to control my OCD. This forum and my membership with Porn Addicts Anonymous have been lifesavers.

Porn fed the bad wolf in me. Now I'm trying to feed the good wolf with healthy, porn-free living. I was struck at how much things had changed during a telephone conversation with my boyfriend last night. When he and I met 2.5 years ago, I was an emotional wreck. I was a PMO addict, a self-centred *sshole, and was so depressed I contemplated suicide. I remember telling him in August 2012 that I loved him. We'd known each other for 48 hours. I was in tears and expressed my fear that I'd ruin his life. In fact, at the time I didn't think I deserved love and was trying to push him away. As he drove away, I thought to myself, "That's the last time I'll ever hear from him." Well we're still together. Even though love was knocking at my door, I spent the first part of our relationship f*cking every guy within a 30-mile radius, obsessively texting/calling him, and experiencing love/sex addiction.

This past weekend together washed all of that away. My boyfriend spent Saturday/Sunday at my place. We had friends over for a pre-birthday dinner Saturday night. The whole thing was perfect: great food; great friends; great sex; and a greater feeling of intimacy with my partner. How nice to just sit in front of a fireplace, sip tea, and just be with each other without having to blather on endlessly. He's still the same wonderful person. It's me who has changed. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. That is a wonderful feeling. So yes I'm in love with this guy, but it's not in the same f*cked up way I've done everything else in my life. Through reboot, I learned to love myself first and only then did I have the strength to love someone else.

Thanks for reading my rambling posts friends. Be well nation! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 20, 2015, 08:53:54 AM
This past weekend together washed all of that away. My boyfriend spent Saturday/Sunday at my place. We had friends over for a pre-birthday dinner Saturday night. The whole thing was perfect: great food; great friends; great sex; and a greater feeling of intimacy with my partner. How nice to just sit in front of a fireplace, sip tea, and just be with each other without having to blather on endlessly. He's still the same wonderful person. It's me who has changed. I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. That is a wonderful feeling. So yes I'm in love with this guy, but it's not in the same f*cked up way I've done everything else in my life. Through reboot, I learned to love myself first and only then did I have the strength to love someone else.


Glad to see you're still going strong brother!  I know exactly what you are talking about in craving that more intimate connection with someone, I have found myself having these same cravings lately, which I handled wrong this time, but learned from.  Keep up the good work man, I'm so proud of you for having that kind of relationship bro!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 20, 2015, 02:46:41 PM
Day 83 (cont'd). So much for my pronouncements about posting less! I'm checking in before bed because I had a mixed day today. I can now see the pattern of 'pink cloud' highs, followed by lows. My highs/triumphalism then lead to a lack of sleep because my mind is racing. And without sleep, my work day gets shot. So being proactive, I can now see the pattern from yesterday to today:

1. Skipped a workout (yesterday)
2. Got too high/distracted at work by taking on too many new projects
3. Lack of focus leads to frustration
4. Had trouble falling asleep last night (called my mom late my time)
5. Woke up too early (today)
6. Wine at my business lunch (makes me sleepy/woozy)
7. Lots of driving which for me is a trigger
8. Worked out but was distracted
9. Back at office but lack of focus...just surfing around the net
10. Regrouped by writing this

Perhaps some of the more experienced rebooters can comment, but I think the longer you go without PMO, the better and more sensitive your early warning system becomes. For me, past relapses happened hours or even days in advance because I didn't change my habits. During this reboot I changed everything. I can now see from my above list that the following are dangerous for me:

1. Lack of sleep
2. Booze
3. Driving long distances

Long drives are a trigger for me because my mind while driving goes on autopilot. Then it sets a crash course for porn-o-land. I found myself getting very horny on my drive today. This I believe is a mix of natural horniness because I had sex this weekend and thought about it A LOT, combined with my deep neural pathways that link arousal to pornography. I had a strong urge to both view pornography and masturbate earlier, but didn't act on them thank God. So tonight and tomorrow, I'll counter my triggers with:

1. Reading at least 45 mins before bed.
2. Going to bed before 11 p.m.
3. Early workout tomorrow.

Whew! It feels better to share here. I look forward to your comments and shares about this post. Be well my friends. LACK OF SLEEP IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Jaystock on January 20, 2015, 03:43:21 PM
Lyon,  I drive a dump truck, everday.  When I sit in the cab, it can be so rough. I try to watch  gary wilson, on you tube. I get out  if the cab, every  chance I get.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 20, 2015, 04:12:24 PM
You're doing awesome lyon!  Coming up with counters to your triggers is such a good plan.  I have noticed that my brain is always going when I try to sleep, so I try my best to tire myself out during the day now.  I push myself as much as I can during the day so that I'm totally exhausted at night.  I think reading before bed time is a great idea.  I know that when I do this, I end up falling asleep, because it really relaxes my mind, it's almost like meditation, or "single focus".  Keep going man, you're an inspiration!  Even if you're imagining the sex you had, that's still got to be better than porn; it's real, just not at that moment.  Maybe if you can somehow transform this energy into looking forward to more of it, it might really help you transform this energy into something that can empower you.  Stay strong brother!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: horpio on January 20, 2015, 06:24:24 PM
As I look back on my life, I am reminded of this wonderful quote from T.S. Eliot:
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
Love this quote  :D
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Phase2 on January 20, 2015, 11:04:24 PM
Good luck Lyon! Glad you are doing so well and nice job kicking porn's butt. Don't ever let it back in your life. Cheers!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 21, 2015, 07:48:53 AM
Day 84: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Feeling more centred today. As I close in on my goal of a 90-day reboot, I'm feeling reflective. Looking back, my idea of 'rebooting' was initially wrong. My journey has been more about battling with the bad habits, negative emotions, and toxic relationships that resulted in my addiction. To focus solely on my PMO habit rather than address the deeper problems would be like hacking away at weeds, rather than pulling up their roots. As with addiction, unless you do the hard, sweaty, broken-nail digging, weeds grow back. Had I not yanked out the deeply-rooted  problems with me, I would have simply relapsed over and over again as I often did in the past. But I've learned to be vigilant. Ninety days does not a decades long addiction heal. I've changed my perception of addiction over the past few days. I was always searching for a cure, an end if you like. This was my lazy inner addict looking for the easy way out. But like the garden I described before, you've got to cultivate recovery by getting your hands dirty every day. 

!WARNING MIXED METAPHORS!

There is no on/off switch for addiction although I really wanted one. Cancer has remission, not a cure. So let's just say my addiction is currently in remission. Like some particularly nasty form of cancer, I now reluctantly accept I'll be battling PMO addiction my entire life. Yesterday taught me that if I let my guard down through lack of sleep or too many glasses of wine, the disease comes charging back. So I've learned something. I think this is why alcoholics refer to 'recovery/recovering' rather than 'cured'. I will always be a porn addict. But now in early recovery, I've learned the tools to keep my PMO habit at bay. But I will forever be vigilant. Thanks for reading friends. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: savingmysoul on January 21, 2015, 08:00:11 AM
Understanding that this also is a life reboot is big.  So many of us have the opportunity to realize we are so much more than our addiction.    Lyon - you are an inspiration to us all, you thoughts have given so many of us power to be strong.

Peace my brother - keep us strong.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 21, 2015, 11:43:41 AM
I am always inspired by your ability to analyze our addiction and put it into terms and metaphors that resonate with me. I have been coming to some of these realizations and your words expressed them perfectly.

Also, I wanted to commiserate with you about the triggers involved in driving long distances. Taking long trips in the car with my wife almost always tends to lead to a fight of some sort. My obsessive thought cycle seems to spin and spin until something I'd hoped to keep to myself gets blurted out during a period of annoyance. I even find myself arguing out loud, all alone, on my commute to work over some point of contention we've had in the past week. If you ever figure out any methods for mitigating this problem please don't hesitate to share. At least until they invent teleporters.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 22, 2015, 08:46:48 AM
Day 85: Good morning nation! I have to admit I'm a bit porned out. Writing about porn in a 'To fap, or not to fap, that is the question' way every damn day has worn this princess out.  I'm experiencing porn fatigue. First and foremost, thank you everyone for your messages of encouragement/support. I'm going to make it to 90 and beyond. I just know it. As I've long written, porn is no longer an option for me. I first dealt with the addiction, then the emotions/problems that led to addiction, then confronted my broken marriage, and I am now fixing my broken business/career. I've now developed a pattern for problem solving:

1. Brutal honesty
2. Identify problem
3. Explore solutions
4. Research solutions while discussing solutions with people who have solved similar problems in the past
5. Identify solution
6. Apply solution
7. Move to next problem

Let me apply this to my (now ending) marriage:

1. Brutal honesty: I am gay.
2. Identify problem: Gay men don't stay married to women.
3. Explore solutions: Stay in broken marriage; separate w/out divorce; or separate followed by divorce.
4. Research solutions or discuss with people who have solved similar problems in the past: I spoke to every ex-hetero dad in Europe and I've read no fewer than 5 books on finding solutions. 
5. Identify solution: Separation then divorce.
6. Apply solution: Met with lawyer, started process, dividing assets, moved wife out etc.
7. Move to next problem: Fixing business/career...

Porn simply prevented me from even starting this process. Fixing things takes time and effort. The bigger the problem, the bigger the effort required to fix it. Porn just hid my problems while creating countless others. Running from all of my problems achieved nothing. When my problems finally caught up with me in December 2013, rather than face them, I chickened out by contemplating suicide. Not my best nor proudest moment. Suicide is the most self-centred act possible because it solves nothing. Thank God I didn't kill myself as it would have simply downloaded all of my sh*t on my ex-wife, children, and surviving family.

Now I'm a different man. While I still experience highs/lows, even these are starting to smooth out as well. I'm becoming a more balanced person again. As many of you know, writing your deepest secrets, fears, and past history on this website is incredibly freeing. Now, rather than hide from my problems, or avoid them through PMO, I'm now all about the brutal honesty. Honesty is the strongest and longest-lasting foundation there is for a better life.

On a lighter note, I have a sure fire way to deal with the office blues which may help others. Just listen to 'Bootylicious' by Destiny's Child. Not only does it have a young Beyoncé, a deity in gay circles, it's the quintessential twerk song (although for all straight readers, don't watch the trigger-filled video). I'd go audio only which is safer. Not only does the song make me smile, it reminds me of New Year's during my recent trip to Israel. I'm at Jerusalem's only gay club, it's at least 3 a.m., this song comes on, and the gays go apesh*t. I look over at this Israeli guy just f*cking giving 'er. He's all of 5 ft 4 ins, mid-20s, goatee, shirt off, bit of a gut, Davey Crockett fur hat, and skin tight grey jeans. You get my point: this kid is no super-model, but damn if he can't dance. And he twerked, gyrated, and just b*lls out gave it everything during this song. I was like, 'Work it girl!' At the end of the song, I shook his hand. Not only a great memory but a cool life lesson. This guy could have hugged the wall, fretting he didn't have washboard abs, the perfect hair, a less obnoxious hat etc. Instead, he just f*cking worked it. Twerk-boy is my new hero. As a porn addict, I only thought about what I didn't have. Or I constantly lived in fear, repeating to myself I wasn't good enough. Like twerk-boy, I'm just going to rock my life with what I have. Maybe I'll even get myself one of those hats. And who gives a f*ck what anyone thinks!

Thanks for reading friends. Stay bootylicious. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 22, 2015, 10:01:21 AM
Porn simply prevented me from even starting this process. Fixing things takes time and effort. The bigger the problem, the bigger the effort required to fix it. Porn just hid my problems while creating countless others. Running from all of my problems achieved nothing. When my problems finally caught up with me in December 2013, rather than face them, I chickened out by contemplating suicide. Not my best nor proudest moment. Suicide is the most self-centred act possible because it solves nothing. Thank God I didn't kill myself as it would have simply downloaded all of my sh*t on my ex-wife, children, and surviving family.

I feel the exact same way as this man.  Porn really does stop the process of self-improvement because it takes away the pressure, which is what we need to grow and develop.  It's when we are feeling that we just can't handle any more, that we MUST stick it out, because that is how we are able to handle more the next time...just like weight training and pushing the weight up each time, so it's more and more difficult.

I've contemplated suicide many times before, I've had a gun in my hand, but never could do it either, because I could never just give up...I've fought way too long and too hard to not see this thing through.  I'm so glad you didn't either man...just look at how much of an inspiration you've been to everyone on these forums man!  I think you conquered life the minute you decided you were going to stick it out and not give up.

Keep going man!  I'm always looking forward to reading your journal, feel like you're growing so much stronger daily.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 22, 2015, 05:18:46 PM
You know....  for so long, I really thought I was the only one going through all this....   While our experiences are unique, so much of this is not.  It is almost pattern.  I cannot believe how close I came to using suicide as my solution....  I too am soooo glad I didn't.  I'm just in the early stages of turning shit around, but I am going to turn this shit around.  I am going to invest in "me" and make "me" a better person.

I cannot tell you how much it inspires me not just to read your stories, but to see how many other men really want the same changes in their lives.  It has occurred to me that we really are a brotherhood...  like the Free Mason's or Water Buffalo's, or some crap like that.   We need a Coat of Arms.....  or really cool tattoo to show that we're brothers.  To represent the battle the have taken up together.  I may design something actually to get back in touch with my creative side.

Cheers,

p.

Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Phase2 on January 22, 2015, 05:22:50 PM
Lol. Good idea. How about a cool, beefy signet ring. That way if we ever try to stroke our dick to porn we can see the big shiny ring sliding up and down our shaft to remind us to stop fapping now!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ready2go on January 22, 2015, 09:12:03 PM
Poker that is an awesome idea.  I know keeping a confidence is at the top of our list but I'd get my first tattoo with some cool anti PMO artwork.  The fact I found this before I offed myself.. worth advertising at least to myself. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 23, 2015, 04:01:12 AM
Day 86: Thanks for sharing boys. I'd recommend PMO-free dogtags. For our 2-year anniversary, I gave my BF dogtags with our story written on them. He loved them and wears them all the time. Not everyone wears rings but dogtags are both stylish and masculine. Just an idea. As I close in on 90 days, I'm in full-on 'Is this me?' mode. The last 86 days have been the most transforming, trying, emotional, and roller-coaster-like experience of my life. I can't wait for the next 90 when I move from a porn reboot, to a career reboot. Through this community and Porn Addicts Anonymous, I now accept:

- I have no control over my addictions
- I was always the problem
- Blame gets me nowhere
- I can't fight addiction nor solve my problems alone
- I am neither my mind, nor my f*cked up thoughts
- We are stronger and better as part of a community, rather than struggling and isolating

How can I describe this? If you've ever seen a busty woman take off her bra at the end of the day, you witness an incredible demonstration of freedom/relief. (Boobs for this gay man are about as sexy as a fire hydrant, but I'm sure it's also nice show for straight men.) My way of seeing life was more than just an uncomfortable bra. It was a straightjacket! That's it. So the last 86 days have been more like me removing a straight jacket - of my own creation. My f*cked up way of seeing the world so uncomfortably constrained me, sometimes it felt like my only release would be to drown in some river. My feeling is we're all born happy and free. A lucky few remain happy and free their entire lives. Like me, most of us fashion our own straightjackets through bad jobs, toxic relationships, debts, etc. But we can always turn it around. On day 90, I'll finally get out of my straight jacket and then I'm going to throw that f*cker in the river. Adios, au revoir, good bye. And good riddance.

Reboot is truly a Godsend. It's more than just beating the porn. It's learning the tools, discipline, and skills to overcome any challenge. That's what I'll take away from this. Thanks for reading brothers. Time to get back to work. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 24, 2015, 02:43:39 AM
NEED HELP MY FRIENDS! READ ON!

Day 87: I'm just 3 days away from my initial 90-day reboot goal. I'm feeling confident, but not overconfident. As Poker wrote on my thread, "I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away."
As other successful rebooters have posted here, every day without porn is another step towards long-term recovery. I feel like PMO is no longer a part of my life. So I'm going to spend the next 90 days working on my next big problem: concentration. I am still unable to remain focused on tasks. Using my own list, I'm going to analyse the problem:

1. Brutal honesty: Unless I get my focus back, I will drift through life and end up a failure. In the short term, my business will fail. This means I won't be able to support my ex, my children, causing unnecessary stress in their lives. On a more practical note, I'll lose my apartment, car, etc. as I'll eventually be forced to sell assets. I am from a long line of brilliant but scatterbrained men. My uncle for example is an intelligent and creative man. Like me, he has an aptitude for languages. He is smart, funny, and at 67 is both a drunk and penniless. He lives with a lesbian friend in a 1-bedroom flat. In my heart, I know this will be my fate unless I start changing things today. My lack of concentration will prevent me from achieving my life's goals, and I have so much I want to accomplish and just 30-40 years left. The ability to concentrate, by focusing all of my creative energy on a goal, is integral to my success.

2. Identify main problem: I fear success because I don't think I'm good enough. I woke up this morning and understood why. The reason I am afraid of success is both genetic and historical. Back in the early 2000s, I was a hotshot VP for an investment bank. On the eve of a 400% return following a successful takeover bid, I blew it all. I was in line for a huge bonus and yet self-destructed. The bank was in trouble with the securities commission due to misrepresented financial statements. This had nothing to do with me, although I wasn't really doing much to solve the problem. On the eve of my greatest career success, I very loudly started badmouthing management while not too subtly looking for another job. Not surprisingly, they fired me. I was both humiliated and scared. I went from driving headlines in financial news to worrying how I'd support my wife and unborn son (due in just 3 months). And I never got that bonus. Moreover, the bank sued me, twice. I am from a long line of imploding men, but this humiliating episode compounded a pre-programmed family problem: men in my family tend to choke. This was also the time I really started heavily using porn as it was my coping mechanism. It feels really good to write this all down. Whenever I start a task or work towards a goal that may result in some form of success, I completely lose focus. For example, I am currently re-designing one of our company websites. What should have been a 6-week process, has dragged on for 9 months. This is my fault because I'm doing it alone. We are the dominant player in our particular industry, and yet our 2008-era website no longer sends the message, "We are the #1 company." As such, we are slowly losing market share simply because our (virtual) store window is old/outdated. This stops today. 

3. Research solutions. Thanks to Horpio, I devoured the '7 Steps of Highly Effective People' and found that both helpful and practical. But the book alone isn't solving my problem. Even post-porn addiction, I'm having trouble staying focused at work. I tend to wander around the internet, post nearly obsessively here, and do strange things like constantly check the Euro-Dollar exchange rate. The good news is I can concentrate on things I want to do, like posting here or exercising so I have the ability to focus. Now I need to re-tool that focus to my other goals. As my 400+ posts and rock-hard body evidence, I am capable of concentration and yet so fear business success that it destroys my focus.

4. Ask for input/help/advice: If anyone can recommend books about motivation/staying focused, or can provide a contact/sponsor I can chat with to work through these issues, I'd appreciate it.

5. List specific problems/identify solutions:

a. I need to confront my fear of success. I'm going to use George Collins' "Breaking the Cycle" technique of viewing the day I got fired, then dialoguing with my success-phobic self, let's call him "Mr. Fear-O" to heal this wound and get on with my life. 

b. I can't solve this alone.  I've shared here and will continue to do so twice a day until I fix the problem. Learning from my depression issues, I'm also going to make an appointment with a counsellor who really helped me. I think that I need to talk this through with a professional. Self-coaching wasn't enough to stop my PMO-habit so I'll need to use the same techniques to reach my next goal: conquering my fear of success.

c. I need to set goals and then execute through better time management. Starting today, I'm going to create a set of annual goals, then monthly goals, and then weekly goals. Once I've reviewed this and identified my goals, I can now start working on tasks. Using the '7 Habits' strategy of putting first things first, I have to prioritize my time to ensure I'm working both intelligently and productively. I was going to start today with a daily plan, but now understand through writing this is the wrong approach. I have to take a bigger view of my goals to more effectively plan my time.

d. Internet Addiction: My porn addiction has now transformed into an internet addiction. I feel a bit like a heroin addict caressing an empty syringe. Yes I'm no longer using the drug, but I need to use my new-found freedom to both produce and achieve rather than simply waste time. If anyone has suggestions about how to deal with internet addiction, I'm open to your input. I think this is more about me learning confidence and self-control.

6. Create a plan: Today I'm going to:

- Set my main goals for this particular task. What do I really want? Who do I want to be?
- Work through the pain of my past firing. I am not my past history.
- Set my smaller goals for 2015: then break these down by month, and eventually by week. I'll give myself an hour to do that once I finish this post.
- Make an appointment with Dr. B (counsellor) to be pro-active in dealing with my fear of success.
- Meticulously plan my day: work; shopping; light renovations; and then exercise.
- Reach out to my contacts for help with the web design. I accept I will never be able to complete this alone.
- Search for books/materials/websites that can help with my specific issues: fear and self-destructiveness. 
- I'm going to start posting twice daily for the next 30 days so I am both pro-active and accountable when dealing with this problem. Beating porn was just the beginning, regaining confidence, focus, and a greater work ethic are now my main goals.
   
7. Execute: Time to get started!

On a more personal note, I'm going to see my boyfriend this afternoon. Can't wait! I just spoke with him and started getting hard just listening to his voice. Feels like being 13 again. This is quite an improvement from me 87 days ago when even the most hard-core femdom videos couldn't do it for me. On the menu: hot sex; dinner party with friends; overnight; hot sex; brunch; and then back home. As you can tell, I REALLY enjoy sex, but no longer obsess about it. I guess I could more accurately write that I think about sex with my boyfriend, rather than imagining a porn-like scene with every man I see. Beating the porn/sex/masturbation addiction was hard, but it taught me the tools I need to use to face this next challenge: rebooting my professional life. Wish me luck!   Thanks for reading my friends. Any input/advice you can provide would be most helpful. Be strong. FOCUS IS AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ready2go on January 24, 2015, 03:13:54 AM
Lyon I took some time to reread your journal.  Wow, what a story and look how you evolved.  Completely exhilarating to read through  Thanks for keeping us in your heart, as we do you.  And keep it up post-90.  with love, r2g
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 24, 2015, 04:51:42 AM
Thanks Readytogo! Day 87: Here is an update to my last post:

1. Set my main goals for this particular task. What do I really want? Who do I want to be?

Done.

2. Work through the pain of my past firing. I am not my past history.

Done. Actually got a nice headbuzz thinking of it. No migraine...YET.

3. Set my smaller goals for 2015: then break these down by month, and eventually by week. I'll give myself an hour to do that once I finish this post.

Done.

4. Make an appointment with Dr. B (counsellor) to be pro-active in dealing with my fear of success.

Done. Set for March 2. A bit later than hoped, but I find just taking the first step helps.

5. Meticulously plan my day: work; shopping; light renovations; and then exercise.

Done.

6. Reach out to my contacts for help with the web design. I accept I will never be able to complete this alone.

Pending. Will do this afternoon or evening before dinner.

7. Search for books/materials/websites that can help with my specific issues: fear and self-destructiveness.

Downloading 'The Motivation Manifesto' recommended by Phoenix (thanks brother).

Feels good to take action!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Dharmabum on January 24, 2015, 07:57:07 AM
You're making great strides, Lyon.  Really laying out a path for growth and sanity and joy.  Keep going.  You're inspiring the hell out of me!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ready2go on January 24, 2015, 10:55:49 AM
Yeah!  Fuck yeah!!

That part about making the appt for March 2.  I heard somewhere that the seminar begins when you register for it.  Sounds like you're registered! Go Lyon!!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 25, 2015, 06:55:46 AM
Day 88: Thanks brothers. Short post as I'm on my tablet at the BF's place. Great progress yesterday, feeling good, 2 days until meeting my (initial) Reboot goal, fun time at dinner with the BF and some friends last night. Terrific, intimate, rock hard, and mind-blowing sex this a.m. Is this really my life? Somebody pinch me! Be well brothers. Back on the career reboot tomorrow.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 25, 2015, 02:46:42 PM
I'm going to leaning on you for career reboot motivation...  Just sayin.  Be well!


Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Phase2 on January 25, 2015, 03:27:18 PM
Way to go Lyon! Just 2 more days til your goal. You must be feeling proud. Glad the sex was hot too! Cheers to a success story!
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 25, 2015, 04:08:37 PM
Day 88 (cont'd): Thanks guys for your kind messages and support. You all know how much it means to me. Day 90 will be in just 48 hours and it's like a f*cked up Christmas Day. It will mark my first victory against PMO addiction in something like 15-20 years. While I accept I could have done more productive things with these lost years, I also accept I'm never getting them back. Chapter II, or the next 90 days, will be a career reboot. I'm going to put as much time, energy, and posting into my career reboot as my PMO reboot. Again, much thanks for your love and support brothers. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION...AND NEVER WILL BE AGAIN. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ready2go on January 25, 2015, 04:38:35 PM
Awesome Lyon.  Keep it going man.  You're keeping me motivated. 
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 26, 2015, 07:59:31 AM
Day 89: WTF!? Here I am on the eve of my initial 90-day goal and I'm surprisingly calm. I have to give a shout out to Gabe Deem...or should I call him "Babe" Deem because man is he fine! His courage, honesty, and this website saved me. Reboot has changed my life for the better. I'll do a longer post tomorrow in the 'success' section but I have to credit Deem, author Gary Wilson, and most importantly all the RN members who have encouraged me. This community was a lifeline for me. During this painful process, I was never judged, talked down to, nor criticized. Your love and understanding taught me to be more open, honest, and generous with others than I'd been in decades. Reboot is like seeing life in colour for the first time. There is no going back to the black/white graininess of my porn addiction. Porn is no longer an option. With the exception of tomorrow, I'll probably post more about my career/business reboot. I'm giving myself 60 days to reboot professionally. Thanks for reading my friends. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Poker on January 26, 2015, 12:27:32 PM
Congratulations....   this is a big deal.   And I want to thank you, for your openness, and honesty.  Your ability to trust and let us know from the place you're coming from has allowed us to understand exactly haw far you have travelled.   

You haven't just tried to change one area of your life....   You went after everything you didn't like.  I like that you were very detailed, and explained the "why's" and "hows."  You shared what worked.   Mostly though, I like that you gave back.  You were learning, growing, and bursting with an enthusiasm to not just change yourself, but everyone around you too.  You're fucking inspiration, and a great friend.  :)

Look at what you have accomplished in 90 days.....   from where you were, to now.   And you're not even done.  You've merely put yourself in a position where you can now begin to live a life free from all the garbage that once consumed you.  You can follow your true dreams.  Not small desires.  Dreams.   

You've had a lot going on in the last year....  and you made some commitments to change.  I can't wait to read 20 years from now what other commitments you decided to pursue and accomplish.....  because if you can do all this in 90, I can only imagine what the rest of life has in store.

Great job my friend.

Cheers,

p.

p.s.  "Babe Geem"  [Poker lowers his head, puts his hand to his forehead and shakes it....]
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: ntg on January 26, 2015, 01:36:55 PM
Great job lyon!  90 days bro!  I know you're going to be able to do the career reboot no problem as well.  As we've all said at one point or another, this is a life reboot, not just a porn reboot.  Stay strong man, I'm going to be posting in that success forum part soon too.
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: Jaystock on January 26, 2015, 11:49:00 PM
Congratulations  lyon . You are such a positive influence  on everyone in this forum. I'm so very proud of you. Stay strong
Title: Re: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Post by: lyon03 on January 27, 2015, 03:35:28 AM
Day 90! I just posted this on the 'success' board. Happy reading my friends and, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your love and support. I couldn't have done this without you.

Me Pre-Reboot: Here is a snapshot of me on October 29, 2014, before rebooting:

- Porn, masturbation, sex addict
- Depressed
- Suicidal
- Severe erectile dysfunction and drippy ejaculations
- Insomnia
- Broken marriage
- Unhappy children
- Pathological liar
- Completely unable to work (my attention span was 3 minutes)
- Addicted to fleshy reality TV
- Addicted to video games
- Suffered from paralysing migraines
- Complete *sshole: angry, full of resent
- Isolated and alone, very anti-social

Me Following Reboot:

- No porn nor masturbation
- In a serious and monogamous gay relationship
- Gaining strength and happiness daily
- Junk works just fine and geyser-like ejaculations
- Insomnia cured: for the first time in my life, I fall asleep when my head hits the pillow and wake up exactly 7-7.5 hrs later
- Divorcing but have a wonderful relationship with my ex-wife
- Kids living with their mother in a nearby town but they are safe, happy, and well-adjusted
- I see the kids all the time and eat at my ex-wife's house 3-4 times a week
- I am brutally honest with myself which helps me be honest and genuine with others
- Getting back to work (career reboot started a few days ago)
- No longer watch TV (prefer reading)
- No longer play video games
- Migraines gone
- Anger gone
- Very social, gaining in confidence (but not arrogance), and feel a real connection to people

My Story: Tomorrow I'll turn 43. Rebooting is the best present I've ever given myself. I felt the tingle of porn addiction as a pre-teen, then started masturbating compulsively at around 14, then graduated to magazines, VHS movies, and eventually the heroin-like high of high-speed internet porn in my early 30s. So I have been a PMO addict for roughly 10-15 years. I married a wonderful woman in 1999, am the father of 3 terrific children, and own my own business. This idyllic life was almost destroyed by a daily porn addiction that I know would have killed me. I used porn to live a virtual closeted life. As a gay father/husband, porn was my only gay sexual outlet. But it gets worse. As many of you know, the brain needs novelty to get the same dopamine high. As such, I graduated from straight porn, to gay porn, to hard-core porn, to deviant pornography. When that no longer worked, I gravitated to the dangerous world of gay hook up sites like Grindr, followed by a string of meaningless hookups and affairs. I came out to my wife in May 2012, f*cked my way through every guy in a 40-mile radius, and still continued to surf porn and masturbate daily. In December 2013, my world came crashing down and I contemplated suicide. On October 29, 2014, 90 days ago, I decided to make a change.

How I did it: Before starting my reboot, I decided to make a complete break with the past. With this in mind, I made the following resolutions: 

1. Lying was no longer an option.
2. Porn was no longer an option.
3. Masturbation was no longer an option.
4. Hook-ups were no longer an option.
5. TV was no longer an option.
6. Toxic relationships were no longer an option.
7. I could not beat this alone.

I had tried, and failed, to stop my chronic PMO habit in the past. The reason I failed was simple: I didn't want to stop. I would stop with the porn for a few days but would creep XXX Tumblr photos. I'd stop for a few weeks but erotic literarture was ok. Rather than surf porn all day, I'd surf a gay hook up site called Grindr. Hookups weren't porn in my mind. I was seriously f*cked up. I call this 'lite beer syndrome'. An alcoholic is an alcoholic even if she switches to lite beer. I was essentially a porn addict but rationalized I had quit because I was f*cking a guy, reading pornographic literature, or jerking to still photos rather than videos. I was lying to myself. My reboot had four distinct phases which I'll now detail.

Phase I: Rock bottom/time for a change: Caution graphic content to follow. There is a great passage in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous which I will paraphrase. The passage reads something like, you can't help an alcoholic until he first wants to help himself. And to do so, he has to hit rock bottom. Two episodes made me want to change my destructive life. The first happened last summer during another day just surfing porn at the office. I was on tumblr and was looking a photos of gay group sex. I stumbled upon a photo of gay men in a 'scat' orgy. This was a picture of naked gay men, arm-in-arm, covered head-to-toe in their own sh*t, following a bareback orgy. I almost vomited. I was a father, husband, and respected business owner looking at filth on my computer. I looked at the picture of my three smiling children and felt an overwhelming sense of shame. Rock bottom for me had two parts. While the revolting picture struck a chord with me, I was still 'enjoying' gay hook ups. My second revelation was just another Saturday at the gym. While I told my wife and children I was at the gym, I would from time to time have a threesome with a gay couple about 30 mins' drive from my house. During our last (and final) encounter in October 2014, we were f*cking away when I caught a glimpse of myself in their floor-to-ceiling closet mirror. I thought, "What the f*ck am I doing?" For me, I needed these epiphanies, these life-changing moments, to change. My point is this: you need to be 100% committed to reboot, otherwise you will fail. In my case, I needed an overwhleming reason to break with the past and the above episodes did just that.

Phase II: Early Reboot/Withdrawal: On October 29, 2014, I joined Porn Addicts Anonymous "PAA" (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). By joining, I accepted I had an addiction, could not control it, and needed a community to beat it. This was no easy realization. I posted on their website daily, participated (nervously) in weekly Skype meetings, and in mid-November joined Rebootnation. My porn/sex/masturbation habits felt both obsessive and strangely omnipotent. This was then followed by an obsessive need for recovery. What saved me in early reboot was reading everything I could about porn addiction. Gary Wilson's book, "Your Brain on Porn" was a lifesaver. Understanding the science and brain chemistry of my addiction helped me fight it. My judeo-christian programming wrongly made me see my addiction through the fog of catholic guilt, shame, and a lack of moral conviction. Thankfully these were replaced by a deep understanding of dopamine, pleasure centres, DeltaFosB, etc. Through my research, I could better understand and accept withdrawal: my shaking hands and feet; head rushes; flu-like symptoms; aches/pains etc. Knowledge gave me the strength to understand that withdrawal and flatline were healing. They were part of the process rather than permanent. This saved me. But nothing could prepare me for the third stage of reboot.

Phase III: Emotional Reboot: Only when the porn fog lifts do you see the full devastation of your life. I now understand something about addiction: all addictions are an attempt to avoid pain. In my case, I first used porn to hide my homosexuality. Then it became an outlet to avoid all pain, including mundane work-related tasks. I couldn't go 3 minutes without looking for a porn-fix (I know, I timed it). I think this is why so many people relapse when they feel the pain of withdrawal, the uncertainty of flatline, and the crushing reality of our sh*tty lives without the porn fog. Following withdrawal and flatline, both physical, I started the longer and more difficult process of dealing with the emotions, memories, and habits that resulted in my addiction. I posted obsessively on this website and on the PAA website. I got a sponsor/sobriety partner. I read several books about addiction but the best by far was "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. In my case, I needed to soberly deal with the memories and episodes in my life that triggered my addiction. I won't go through them all but I had to deal with: traumatic childhood memories; my toxic, co-dependent marriage; a painful firing in my early career; and so on. "Breaking the Cycle" gave me the strength to no longer run from my pain. This part of reboot was the most challenging and it took me almost two months from day 30 through today to identify, confront, and eventually conquer the fear, self-hatred, isolation, and guilt that all fed my PMO addiction. I could not have done this alone.

Phase IV: Early Recovery/Career Reboot: I never in my wildest dreams thought my life could change so much in just 90 days. I went from suicidal to self-posessed. Before reboot, I hated myself so much I wanted to take my own life. How selfish and f*cked up is that? Now I am filled with hope and an incredible sense of purpose about who I am and what I want to accomplish. I devoured the book '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' recommended by a fellow rebooter. And I finally had the courage to write my own obituary just a few weeks ago. Did I want people to eulogize about my d*ck and show photos of me hunched over my computer, fapping away? Hell no! I want a life filled with love, memories, the arts, literature, success...a life filled with happines. Through reboot, I have accepted I am not my mind, nor my sad memories, nor some gay deviant. I am a wonderful person who has so much to contribute to my family and community. Reboot gave me my life back.

Where I am now: Symbolically, I sign my divorce papers on my birthday tomorrow. This will mean freedom from the pain of my toxic marriage. It also frees my ex-wife to find true love and frees our children from living the daily pain of our broken relationship. My ex-wife and I remain close: like a brother and sister. We continue to raise our 3 children together even though she has primary custody. As with any family, there will be struggles but I'm no longer running from life's challenges. One of my hookups actually turned out to be more serious than I thought. So I have found love and have been seeing the same wonderful man for 2.5 years now. We have no secrets and he supports me which is wonderful. We have an amazing sex life and I enjoy an intimate connection with someone rather than my former laser-like focus on mechanical things like erection and orgasm. Through the love of others, I am learning the strength to love and be myself. My business has slowly rebooted along with me. Symbolically, yesterday was one my best sales days ever. I am slowly re-learning how to manage my employees, re-connect with my clients, and set meaningful goals. My goal is not to be rich as this is a hollow aim, but I want to be richly happy and fulfilled by both my professional and personal lives.

So thank you Gabe Deem, Gary Wilson, and the entire reboot community for giving me the tools to take back my life.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: lyon03 on January 27, 2015, 08:00:23 AM
PS - Just when you think you couldn't appreciate your life anymore, something wonderful happens. Shortly after posting the above message, I hit the gym as I do most mornings (I live in Europe). Three years ago before rebooting, I decided to get back into shape. I can see this was a necessary and integral part of my recovery although I didn't mention it above. I've been working out religiously for the past 3 years and with an almost fanatical intensity since starting my reboot. In short, I went from a pear-shaped slob, to a v-shaped gym bunny. This young guy was looking at me today, then followed me around a bit, asked a few questions, and so I started to chat with him. He's 27, walks with a pronounced limp, has a partially paralyzed right arm, and told me he suffered brain damage due to a motocross accident a few years ago. "How do I get a body like your's?" he asked rather sweetly. "Your pecs are huge." I was speechless. I almost looked behind myself to see if he was really talking to me. He said that the day after he'd graduated with a commerce degree, he felt invincible and so did some reckless things on his motocycle. After crashing, he was in a coma for 7 weeks, then wheelchair for 2 years, then crutches for 6 months, and is now working out to regain his lost mobility. This put things into perspective for me. I have no problems. Or what problems I do have are of my own creation or are largely imagined. This chance meeting reminded me to be thankful, to stay hungry (for happiness, success, friendship, love etc), and most importantly to be kind and caring towards others. So during my next work out, I'm going to help this brave kid in any way I can. He gave me the best gift ever today: he reminded me that while I too often take things for granted, someone, somewhere is dreaming about and hoping for what I already have. Thanks for reading everyone. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: Bestyear2015 on January 27, 2015, 08:17:35 AM
Thanks for sharing your amazing story. There are no limits to how good life can get!!
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: avesraggiana on January 27, 2015, 08:18:56 AM
Bravo, lyon3!  I'm at your feet, with my hat off to you. 

I have loved following your story and reading about your eventual success.  You remain an inspiration and source of hope for me. 

Thank you for describing in detail what your recovery process was and what steps you took to make everything happen.  Your last post is both a success story and a game plan.

Be well and and enjoy yourself, whatever you're doing.

Love always.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 27, 2015, 09:35:29 AM
So proud of you Lyon! Congratulations on this humongous milestone in your life. This is the most important thing you have ever done for yourself and I am sincerely happy for you. Your strength and leadership have been an incredible source of inspiration to me and many others when it felt like we couldn't go on. I consider myself fortunate to have someone like you in the trenches next to me. Thank you for grabbing me by the arm and dragging me along when I needed it. I pray your life is blessed with all the happiness and fulfillment you deserve. Keep earning it brother!
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: Poker on January 27, 2015, 09:49:14 AM
Great job Lyon....   very proud of you....  and very happy for you my friend.  Happy Birthday.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: Phase2 on January 27, 2015, 10:00:29 AM
Congrats Lyon! I'm very happy things are working out so much better for you.

Its a shame to think there might be so many other guys out there who are suffering/suicidal who have no idea that porn is messing with their heads. I can honestly say, even though I was a long term PMO porn user, I thought it was 'healthy' and didn't have an inkling that it was causing problems. I stumbled upon YBOP and Gary Wilson's TED talk totally randomly. But once I delved into it my eyes were opened. We all need to help spread the word. Knowledge can help change lives.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: How a gay man with a 20-year porn habit changed his life
Post by: savingmysoul on January 27, 2015, 10:04:50 AM
Grats on 90 days.

I never doubted you - you have been a crucial support for many of us.  You are inspirational, you are strong!

For many who are only acknowledging they have an addiction, to find this site and see your success story - it can only continue to bolster others to fight through and also be successful.

Well done my friend.

Peace.

SMS
Title: 90 DAYS CHECK...TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 27, 2015, 04:00:31 PM
Day 90 PMO free (cont'd): All clean/sober on the PMO front. I'm now going to start posting more regarding my business reboot. Day 2 Business/Career Reboot: Have had record sales yesterday and today and felt really motivated but then things fizzled this afternoon. I now know the pattern. Like my highs/lows in early reboot, I am experiencing the same professional highs (sales) and then lows (mindless internet surfing). I am getting better about focusing on my priorities and delegating the smaller tasks to my staff. This is freeing up my time for bigger-picture tasks. However, I'm still sabotaging myself with client contact, promising and yet not delivering. I'll have to think about that more and work on it tomorrow. Goodnight nation! Thanks for reading.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on January 27, 2015, 05:01:52 PM
We are so much alike in business, its crazy.  But then we are all connected and all far more similar than different.  All this difference and uniqueness is some sort of propaganda.  Keep going Lyon.  Your story and your day to day experience, is so inspiring to me.  And Happy Birthday!!  (I'm right behind you with that).  Aquarians Rule!!
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Patrick on January 28, 2015, 03:25:13 AM
Hey lyon03, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAN! Hope you're having a smashingly awesome day with all your friends, family, and SO. So glad you're here with us and thank you for your amazing recovery report. Much appreciated and super-interesting. It gives me loads of hope. Keep on truckin' my friend. Looking forward to your new posts and updates and following your journey.
Title: Re: 90-day Reboot Complete: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 28, 2015, 04:18:47 AM
Day 3 of Career/Business Reboot: Thanks everyone for your kind posts and messages. Today is indeed my birthday: 43! So this is what I consider mid-life for me and today I'm committed to making the second half of my life even better. With this in mind, I'm switching my focus from PMO reboot, to a career/business reboot. This doesn't mean that I believe I'm 'cured' from my porn/sex addiction. Far from it. However, I am at a stage where I believe I've written all I could about my life history and addiction. I simply don't want to make reboot my new obsession, so I've decided to focus on a new reboot with a practical/tangible aim. So starting with the end in mind, my professional mission statement is:

1. To be happy and prosperous in my professional life
2. Happy, fulfilled, motivated, loyal, and committed employees
3. To be a better leader and motivator for my staff
4. To continually improve my businesses (namely my websites)
5. To accept my failures quickly so as to fail my way to success
6. To work in a more focused manner
7. To create a business and lifestyle my three children can inherit
8. Share more through: asking for help; really listening to others; and learning from other's mistakes
9. To define business success as achieving the above, rather than simply numbers in a bank account.

Now that I have defined my overall professional mission, I want to achieve the following goals in the next 30 days:

1. No more wasteful internet time (no more Youtube and not more than 30 mins/day on the RN website).
2. Meet or exceed my sales goals.
3. Go live with a website (currently under construction) that will set the bar for my industry.
4. Share my 1, 2, and 5-year plans with my employees so we're all working towards the same goals.
5. Develop relationships with my clients through: listening; a 'win/win' business ethic; exceeding their expectations; and keeping my promises.
6. Find a business mentor (like a sobriety buddy but for business)
7. Stop trying to please everyone (staff and service providers) which only frustrates me and spoils them.
8. Pay all bills in a timely manner.
9. Post my progress twice daily on the RN website (but without violating goal #1 above). 

I may add to the above from time to time as necessary. Now it's time to get to work! Thanks everyone for reading and stay strong. PORN IS A WASTE OF TIME, AND ULTIMATELY A WASTE OF A LIFE.

Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: avesraggiana on January 28, 2015, 05:59:46 AM
Happy Birthday!
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Dharmabum on January 28, 2015, 06:00:46 AM
Dude!  You did it! 

Congrats!  Keep going, and keep inspiring us all with your massively empowering life reboot!
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 28, 2015, 10:11:52 AM
Day 3 of Career/Business Reboot (cont'd): Thanks boys! Back from the lawyer's office and I am officially divorced! We are divorcing by mutual consent, rather than through legal warfare. A judge still has to sign off on our divorce, likely in June, but the effective date will be today: my birthday coincidentally. I had a mild panic attack on the drive home. I am mostly worried about money...aren't we all? But I had a brisk walk outside, worked through the fear, and now feel ready to get back to work. Speaking of which, I had a mixed morning with results. In hindsight, this was probably jitters about signing the divorce papers. But I'm going to apply a few PMO-reboot techniques to stop wasting time. So when I feel myself getting distracted, I will trick my brain by:

1. Read 'The Motivation Manifesto' which was recommended by a fellow rebooter
2. Do work-related things, but which I consider less admin and more 'fun'
3. Jerk off....just kidding brothers. Wanted to make sure you were reading!

Yes I hit 90 days but I've given up P and the MO for life. I find sex is much more intense when I don't masturbate at all. I'll likely update again this evening my friends. Thanks for your love and support. It helps! Be well. 

Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Poker on January 28, 2015, 11:26:51 AM
lol....  I was reading.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: savingmysoul on January 28, 2015, 04:04:24 PM
your birthday is the 28th of January?
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 28, 2015, 04:18:39 PM
Yep. Why? We're twins? Day 3 of the career/reboot. Mixed bag as far as the drifting through cyberspace but I'm getting over my fear of success as evidenced by sales. I'm also taking the time to listen to my clients, rather than wait for the pause at the end of their sentences to continue what I was saying. Listening and reacting seems to be working. My whole work paradigm has changed. For too many years, I thought working was something I did sloppily between PMO sessions. Now I'm focusing more on work, on details, and less on scurrying around on the internet. But my main enemy is Youtube. My brain still aches for screen stimulation which is I guess the after effects of prolonged porn abuse. Any advice on how to work through a cyber (not porn) addiction would be most welcome. Goodnight nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on January 28, 2015, 04:34:35 PM
I'm no where near taking it on yet, but I too have internet addiction.  Cold turkey is all I can think of.  Later on that one for me, but it will happen. 

My problem is the industry in which I work requires online reporting and billing so I'm saddled with that for now.  But I will hire some of it out and that will cut down on my time needing to be online. 

Just don't turn em on.  Get a book, learn to cook, spend time in bed with your boyfriend, take more walks, check out a museum and a classical concert.  You guys have those amazing cathedrals over there.  Go tour those things.  Lots of stuff to do besides youtube.

Keep going man.  You're just fucking awesome.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 29, 2015, 05:34:09 AM
Day 3 of my career/life reboot (again): CAUTION GAY CONTENT. If you are homophobic, please understand that what I do with another man in privacy of my bedroom will in no way make you (or your family) gay. Thank you for reading. Signed, Reboot Nation's Pink Army.

My counter is off by a day so rather than obsess about it, I'm just going to get my text in sync. I can do anything...it's my thread! Still PMO-free but lots of spontaneous erections when I think about my BF and everything we're going to do together Sunday morning. Grrrrrr. On the career/business reboot front, I worked non-stop last night before bed. It felt great. I finished around midnight, pleasantly surprised at what I had accomplished. I also set up an apartment in Spain, where I do a lot of business, so that starting in March I'll spend 1 week/month there getting immersed to finally learn the language. One of my goals for 2015 is to improve my Spanish so that felt like a good first step. Today I'm going to:

- Try to understand what potential clients want before selling to them
- Follow up with all sales leads in a friendly, "We want your business. How can we make this work?" manner
- Follow up with all outstanding admin work, namely paperwork (which I hate with a passion), and if I get angry/stuck: delegate!
- Work on the so-long-overdue-and-over-budget-I-want-to-scream-into-a-pillow website redevelopment project but first I'm going to reach out to a trusted contact with web design savvy and chat with a trusted employee. Their input should help me get unstuck.
- NO YOUTUBE! If I feel the urge, I'll read, work on my Spanish course. I'll trick my mind into being productive.

Thanks for reading everyone. Be well. YOUTUBE IS NOT AN OPTION.

 
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Dharmabum on January 29, 2015, 06:26:15 AM
Congrats on the new and substantial changes, Lyon.  From making the divorce amicable to working your way through your panic attack instead of acting out - that's all huge.

Sounds like you're wisely getting your business plan in order as well. 

Keep going, and keep coming back to share, celebrate, rant, whatever you need.  We're here, my friend.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 29, 2015, 03:38:40 PM
Thanks brother! Day 3 Career/Life Reboot (cont'd): Well I was successful in several ways today:

1. No Youtube surfing at all.
2. Focused although family/kids/ex-wife ate up most of my day.
3. Did my (home)work through completing the dreaded paperwork.

While I wanted to focus all day on work issues, that didn't happen. I watched my kids before school at my ex-wife's house this morning, then had a much too long lunch with a friend, followed by babysitting the kids again tonight. It was actually my 10-year old daughter who said, "Dad, you're just around too much. Are you two divorced or what?" I laughed at that. Reminds me that it can be confusing for the kids if we get along too well.

So while the work day was a bit of a wash, my concentration is getting much better. The parallels between my PMO addiction and my inability to focus/concentrate are interesting. Just like the midpoint of my 90-day reboot, I am finding it easier to reboot my concentration/focus which I started roughly 45 days ago. Like my PMO reboot, I'm going to keep posting twice daily about my career/work reboot until I feel I've healed. But there is hope because now when I start working, my PMO mind doesn't dart around looking for a screen fix through Youtube vids or mindless surfing.

Onward and upward my friends! Thanks for reading.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 30, 2015, 01:47:16 AM
Day 4 Career/Life Reboot: I forgot to post last night that I had a heart-to-heart with my son, 12. While I get along well with my ex-wife, I LOVE no longer living with her. As comedian Louis CK says:

"Divorce is FOREVER. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says, 'Oh my divorce is falling apart.' If you're in a good marriage, stay in it....I'm just saying if you got out, it would be better."

Amen. My ex-wife was raised in an angry household and too often turned her acid tongue on me. I am not an angry person. But after 20+ years of verbal abuse, a move to her hometown in Europe, and spending too much time with my angry in-laws, I became a frustrated and angry man. My addiction simply grew with (our perhaps out of) this anger. Now free of my in-laws and my addiction, I'm much happier but I do worry about my kids as she has primary custody. 

I was talking to my son and he started crying because it seems my wife has now turned her acid tongue on him. The scene was heartbreaking: my son had written me a birthday poem and wanted to read it to his mom. He interrupted a conversation she was having with my ex-mother-in-law. My ex-wife apparently went off on him. He then fled to his room and cried. I wanted to KILL her. But when she got home, I let my son take the initiative of talking to her. She apologized but then strangely started with the voice, which is her angry self taking over. When she finished, I said: "Unfortunately I didn't hear anything you just said because all I heard was anger." The kids agreed. Rather than run from the situation, as I would have in the past, I think I'm going to open up to her about my addiction and suggest some tools for dealing with her anger issues. But I have to walk a fine line between helping and getting sucked back into our toxic relationship. There are a lot of very good techniques I learned from 'Breaking the Cycle' by George Collins. I have recommended this book so many times I should receive freakin' royalties. I'll keep you posted.

On the career reboot front, I'm happy because today I have all day to work on the sh*t I didn't finish yesterday. No need to go into the details of what I want to accomplish today as it's essentially yesterday's list. But I will write this: I am really making an effort to listen and understand what both clients and potential clients are asking. Before I was simply trying to sell them rather than building a long-term relationship. It's working. There was a good example yesterday when I received a client email. I got all up in arms because I found the tone too familiar while at the same time demanding. I took a moment, calmed down, and re-read the message...only to realize it was addressed to his colleague and then copied to me. It's amazing how perspective changes everything.

Thanks for reading nation! I'll check back in this evening with a workday post-mortem. Stay strong. WASTEFUL INTERNET TIME IS NOT AN OPTION.   

 

 



Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on January 30, 2015, 02:02:06 AM
Anger is a hard place to live in.  It sounds like porn never even crossed your mind in any of this.  Right on!  Awesome reboot!
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 30, 2015, 02:42:32 PM
Day 4: Not my best day work wise as I felt myself coming down with my son's stomach flu. But not getting down on myself because I'm seeing a huge improvement in my concentration and focus. (I am bit of a princess when it comes to my health...my father is the same way.) So I took a 1 hour nap as my office and apartment are on different floors of the same building. I awoke with a raging hardon and proceeded to dry hump a pillow. Charming! I then graduated to full on missionary humping before I thought: "I'm f*cking a throw pillow. And I look ridiculous!" This made me laugh which broke the horniness spell...although I'm very happy to see the BF Sunday. Until then, there was work to done so I dressed, felt better, and got back to work. It's now nighttime in Euro-land so I've got the fires blazing, audio book ready, and I'm going to whip up a salmon dinner. Will check in tomorrow nation. Be well. DRY HUMPING IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 31, 2015, 01:08:28 AM
Day 5 of career/life reboot. Wow lots to write this early morning in Europe before I hit the gym. I'm still focusing on my goal of a 30-day career reboot and, come hell or high water, will f*cking make it. I was feeling down yesterday and couldn't put my finger on it. Or should I write, "I couldn't hump the meaning out of a pillow" (read above). This week I was confronted with a number of challenges, namely:

1. Reaching 90 days PMO-free
2. My birthday.
3. Signing divorce papers on my birthday.
4. My ex-wife's seething anger and, in my absence, her nasty habit of lashing out at our son.
5. The daunting task of rebooting my business/career/life and not really knowing where to start.
6. A business transaction went south yesterday.

Yesterday was a wash work-wise, despite my high intentions. I could feel myself going down a familiar porn-like path:

1. Isolation (Cutting off from others).
2. Self-pity ('I'll never achieve my goals').
3. Neediness ('Why hasn't my BF texted me?').
4. Looking for a sexual fix (pillow humping).
5. Wasting time on the internet (Youtube!).
5. Blaming (my ex-wife for her anger issues).

Something happened yesterday that put things into perspective. One of my goals this week was to reach out to a business mentor. I emailed a former client who is a very successful entrepreneur. She and I have always had a brother/sister-type relationship. I was very nervous while coming out to her because I feared rejection. She took the news in stride, if not a little cooly. Just when I started to get self-centred, she hit me with some big news. She mentioned her brother, who I know very well from several business trips together in Europe, was diagnosed with stage 4 skin cancer in late October. He was given 6 weeks to live, then was terminal over the holidays, started a radical and new drug therapy in early January, and is in now apparently in complete remission. I was only thinking of myself and realized her detachment was likely because of her brother's near death just weeks ago. She was in shock. Just like my chat at the gym earlier this week with a kid who survived a near-fatal motorcycle accident, I will again reiterate that most of my problems are imagined.

So rather than scurry away to pornville or my other favourite destination: self-centred-land; I'm going to counter my inner demons with a few changes today:

1. Isolation will become quality time with my son.

2. Self-pity will become planning my coming work week.
 
3. Neediness will be replaced by doing something for my BF who had a tough work week. I'll see him tomorrow and in addition to rocking his world in the bedroom, I think I'll bring over his favourite dish. 

4. Looking for a sexual fix will be replaced by a gym fix this morning.

5. Wasting time on the internet will be replaced by following up on some business leads. Even if I do an hour or two today, I'll feel a sense of accomplishment.

6. Blaming my ex-wife and running from her anger issues will be countered by sharing about my 90-day reboot, letting her know we're in this together, and offering to help in any way I can.

I had a dream last night that I was so desperate, I robbed a local convenience store and (get ready) made my getaway in a pink/purple 80s-era Corvette. I woke up in a bit of a panic, but then realized it was just a dream. The dream made me realize I'm done running from my problems...even in such a fabulous vehicle. I'm done running from life's challenges and/or using porn, sex, or any other addiction to dull the pain. I have to be strong for myself and for my family. I'm ready to start my day. Thanks for reading everyone. LIFE IS AN OPTION, PILLOW HUMPING IS NOT.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Patrick on January 31, 2015, 01:42:59 AM
Go lyon03!!! Your posts inspire me a lot. I've been to pornville and self-centred-land...and I don't want to go back there or browse their catalogues. What really intrigued and moved me was what you wrote about caring for your BF. That's so sweet. I'd melt if my (as yet non-existent) BF did something like that for me. Sexy! Being friendly to your "enemies" is so rewarding and compassionate. Be well, brother, and have a great day. We can do it!

Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on January 31, 2015, 02:31:42 AM
I really appreciate, Lyon, how you go through the process of evaluation, crticism, and synthesis to come up with a coherent plan on how to execute your strategy of being porn free, wired to the man of your dreams, owning and running a successful business, loving and supporting your family, and caring for us.  The brutal honesty you use to approach your life and what you think goes well and what doesn't, and hold it up for all of us to see - it's an incredible resource me.  Thank you man.  Keep going you're awesome. 
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 31, 2015, 09:49:43 AM
I display those 6 habits every day myself Lyon. You are unique in many ways but those 6 avoidance behaviors are typical of many men here I think  ;). As you told me, you have the solutions in front of you. Next step is to execute. Start driving that fabulous corvette towards your dreams rather than away from your fears and failures. Not sure if you have heard of The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson but it is a helpful tool. I'm usually not the self-help book type but i think thats only because of the stigma I placed on them before I actually gave them a chance. There are some really useful exercises to break down those goals you have into even more manageable tasks. Love and Peace to you this weekend.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on January 31, 2015, 02:43:44 PM
Day 5 of career/life reboot. Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Just an update:

1. Isolation will become quality time with my son.

Had my eldest son over for some bonding time. He helped me repaint a bathroom, followed by lunch, then I sprang for Lasergame with his friends. Talk about the most stressful 30 mins of my f*cking life! There is nothing scarier than having a pack of 12-year-old boys hunting you. 

2. Self-pity will become planning my coming work week.


Will do tomorrow evening.

3. Neediness will be replaced by doing something for my BF who had a tough work week. I'll see him tomorrow and in addition to rocking his world in the bedroom, I think I'll bring over his favourite dish. 


Bit late to cook now so I'll just bring a care package with his favourite sugar fixes: chocolate; cranberry juice; and his favourite blackberry jam.
 
4. Looking for a sexual fix will be replaced by a gym fix this morning.

Done. Today worked chest and worked out very very hard. Great stress reliever. Impressed with my results which elicited a "damn!" when checking myself out in the lockerroom mirror before my shower.

5. Wasting time on the internet will be replaced by following up on some business leads. Even if I do an hour or two today, I'll feel a sense of accomplishment.


Done.

6. Blaming my ex-wife and running from her anger issues will be countered by sharing about my 90-day reboot, letting her know we're in this together, and offering to help in any way I can.


Done! We've planned a longer chat Wednesday morning to talk about this and some other things such as finances, kids' educations, etc.

So I go to bed feeling I've accomplished something. Be well nation. SELF-PITY IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 01, 2015, 02:58:30 PM
Day 6 of career/life reboot. Still PMO free today (95 days). This is the first time that I had to check how many days it's been...porn is now officially on the mental back burner! Had a fun day enjoying lunch with my BF, his wonderful friends, and their young kids today. I was running late so no sex this morning which should have been disappointing because it's been a week and I'm a VERY sexual person. But strangely I'm ok with it. My former modus operandi when I didn't get my way, be it with sex or with anything else, would be to withdraw, resent, and generally be a whiny b*tch. I also drank a bit at lunch which I've learned is one of my triggers. So rather than go down addict's lane again, while driving home I worked through why I was disappointed and understood that going another week without an orgasm isn't going to kill me. I then stopped at the gym on the way home and worked off my sexual energy doing cardio and back exercises. And now I'm going to participate in a Skype 12-step meeting with Porn Addicts Anonymous "PAA" (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). I guess the point of this post is while my inner addict started acting up today, I countered it with steps I've learned through my readings, posts on this website, and working the 12 steps of PAA. PAA meeting is just starting so I'll sign off. Thanks everyone for reading, for your kindness, and support. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on February 01, 2015, 03:16:57 PM
You are just one awesome dude Lyon;  a success by any measure.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ntg on February 01, 2015, 09:23:11 PM
Awesome you're making that shift lyon.  This is the point I really am trying to get to myself as well, to be able to rationally understand what I'm feeling, and then to ask myself why, and then to deal with it, before the need to self-soothe sets in.  Awesome progress man!  You're an inspiration bro.  Is PAA solely online?  Is it like a classroom format?
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Feetfirst on February 02, 2015, 02:36:42 AM
Well done Lyon, your dedication to the cause is an inspiration to me. FF
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 02, 2015, 04:50:11 AM
Thanks for your kind posts boys. They're like fabulous glitter on my gay soul.

Day 7 of career/life reboot. 96 days PMO-free. On the work front, today I tried a different technique. I started working straight away, rather than my normal start: aimlessly surfing the internet. It seems to have helped so I've got about 2 hours of work done before I came here. I'll try this again tomorrow because it seems to warm up my work engine so to speak. This past weekend, I had a few epiphanies that I'd like to share again:

1. Not having an orgasm doesn't kill me.  Yesterday I was on a mission to have sex with my boyfriend. But it didn't happen and, shocker, my d*ck didn't fall off. I had a tough week (signing divorce papers for example) and wanted sex for all the wrong reasons: namely to drug the pain. I felt myself going into addict mode but overcame those feelings with the tools/techniques learned through reboot and reading about addiction. I find I'm getting better at catching myself before having a full-on crisis.

2. I dreamed about porn. I had a very f*cked up dream Saturday night. I dreamed I visited a porn studio in Akron, Ohio of all places. Walking up to the studio, I saw row upon row of motor coaches with tinted windows used for 'on-location' porn shoots. Adjacent to the studio was a pavilion where people were apparently dancing and having fun. When I visited the studio, there was a young shirtless guy in the elevator getting ready for his scene. He was high and drinking alcohol straight from the bottle. He blathered on about how great his life was but was so drunk he wasn't really making any sense. I then found myself in a living room with two male porn stars, both doing drugs, and a tired female porn star just staring off into the distance. I interpret this dream as my goodbye to porn. While I enjoyed it for a time, the pavilion/dancers, the seedy underside of the industry and its narcotic effect on me were apparent. There is nothing good that comes from the porn industry. I'm moving on.

I think I'm now ready to deal with life on life's terms. This includes the next step, or my career reboot. As I've often written, porn for me was just the tip of the iceberg. Nine-tenths of my problems were under water. I've identified and continue to deal with the past issues that made me an addict. I get it now. Porn/addiction represent an escape. I am now ready to:

1. Accept the consequences of my homosexuality/addiction: namely my divorce.
2. Deal with my past history, live in the present, and work soberly through the daily challenges life throws at me.
3. No longer seek to escape #2 through any addiction/compulsive behaviours.

I feel better now that I wrote that. Thanks for reading my friends. LIFE WITHOUT PORN IS AN OPTION.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 02, 2015, 03:16:49 PM
Shared this on Patrick's thread and liked it so much (if I do write so myself) I thought I'd re-post it here:

"Thanks for sharing Patrick. I'm not that far ahead of you in reboot so please take my comments accordingly. I feel that porn addiction and the emotions/habits that result in a porn addiction are a bit like a first language. For example, you can spend your whole life living and working in English, but you'll always have an accent. And if you get stressed or angry, you'll revert back to your first language: German. The same applies for addiction I believe. Our first language/habit is addiction: PMO. We can spend our entire lives in recovery, however, when stressed our coping mechanism will never change. I wouldn't get too upset about what happened yesterday because you just fell back on old habits, or your first language so to speak. Like you, I too am in early recovery (96 days). This is a relatively short period of time for me to live PMO-free given my almost 15-20 year porn addiction. My old habits die hard. For example, yesterday I was on a mission to have sex with my BF but it didn't happen. I started down the familiar path of isolation, resentment, anger etc. Through reboot, I've learned several valuable lessons:

1. I cannot hide nor run from life's pains through my drug of choice (a sexualized screen).
2. I have identified the memories/emotions that led to my addiction.
3. I now cope with these feelings immediately before I walk down the path to relapse.

So what am I trying to say? If you are a like me, you need to identify what you were feeling before you did this:

"I had the fantastic ??? idea to write back to a guy who had contacted me via couchsurfing.org (BTW this site has enabled me to have semi-anonymous one-night stands with my hosts, and I can see that I can act out my addiction anywhere.) Anyway, the whole set-up around maybe meeting this guy for a night out got me REALLY excited, mixed with a desperate feeling of "Will I ever find someone for rewiring" and "Everybody has sex, and I don't. I need to be better, more attractive, time's running out, I'm 45 and need to get laid blah blah blah..." BAD start into the day!"

I'd recommend reading "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. He has specific techniques to work through what you're feeling before you act out. Again, I am no expert brother. I'm just sharing what worked for me. For example yesterday I was HELL BENT on having sex with my boyfriend. But it didn't happen. My inner addict starting acting up so I worked through what I was really feeling. I know I won't die if I don't have an orgasm, but sex/sexuality are my first languages. So I reverted to "He doesn't love me." which deep down represents feelings of self-hatred, inadequacy and isolation. You reached out to friends to deal with the core problem. That's a victory my friend! I dealt with my problems by mentally working through them, then hitting the gym, and finally posting here.

So in conclusion, I'd simply reach out to your friends before you start using a screen for a dopamine hit. By getting ahead of your triggers/addiction, you'll feel a whole lot better.  You've got the tools, now just remove the screen time as your coping mechanism. Be well my friend. SEMI-SEXUAL WEBSITES ARE NOT AN OPTION."
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 02, 2015, 03:24:53 PM
Day 7 of career/life reboot. 96 days PMO-free (cont'd) Mixed day on the career Reboot front. I'm still aimlessly surfing too much and losing focus. Tomorrow I'll try my no-PMO technique of reading rather than surfing when I get distracted. I wrote about it this weekend but have yet to try it. But on a more positive note, when I work I lose track of time as well. It's what I used to refer to during my previous career in finance as 'the burn'. So today was about 50/50 on work/surf time. Perhaps I should just accept I'll always be a bit of a dreamer, I always was during school, and then work accordingly. I'll think about it tonight. I can't forget of course that just over 3 months ago, my idea of a work day was about an hour of work followed by an entire day edging to femdom videos. And just 2 months ago, I would shake myself awake from a dead sleep because of withdrawal. So I can't expect to become lord of the universe in just a few short months. With that thought, I'll sign off my friends. Thanks for your posts, honesty, and support. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ntg on February 02, 2015, 09:57:03 PM
I think I'm now ready to deal with life on life's terms. This includes the next step, or my career reboot. As I've often written, porn for me was just the tip of the iceberg. Nine-tenths of my problems were under water. I've identified and continue to deal with the past issues that made me an addict. I get it now. Porn/addiction represent an escape.

This is fantastic bro!  I think that porn is just an escape as well.  After reading Underdog's post on YBR, my whole mindset changed about this whole addiction, from one of abstinence to one of wholeness.  I'm in the same boat as you man, I know I have some issues still that were the catalyst for me turning to porn in the first place.  I have a theory though man, I think once we take care of all the "underwater stuff", porn will not even be a temptation anymore, especially if we're in a loving relationship, and know the realness of true intimacy.  It's like refusing a chocolate bar when we're starving, in order to get a 5 course meal at a fancy restaurant, no comparison whatsoever, in terms of sustenance.

Note: Underdog's post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Mixed day on the career Reboot front. I'm still aimlessly surfing too much and losing focus. Tomorrow I'll try my no-PMO technique of reading rather than surfing when I get distracted.

I did IT for a few years before joining the military, and I was in front of a computer a lot, and I absolutely hated it, because I felt I was just wasting so much time.  It's so easy to just lose track of time because there are so many distractions out there.  I would say it's kind of like the grocery store...if you go there with a list of items to get, you get them and get out; if you go there to "browse", you stay there forever.  Maybe make a list of what you want to accomplish before you start surfing, and stick to it, and see how that goes.  That's the direction I was leaning to when I quit, but the call to learn guns was way more inspiring to me lol.  Peace man.  Hope this helps.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Leon on February 03, 2015, 12:06:53 AM
I'm still aimlessly surfing too much and losing focus. Tomorrow I'll try my no-PMO technique of reading rather than surfing when I get distracted. I wrote about it this weekend but have yet to try it. But on a more positive note, when I work I lose track of time as well. It's what I used to refer to during my previous career in finance as 'the burn'. So today was about 50/50 on work/surf time. Perhaps I should just accept I'll always be a bit of a dreamer, I always was during school, and then work accordingly. 

Focus is so important, as to simply drift is a way to haplessly drift into old patterns of thinking, as is true of me. While one can be overly focused so as to obsess, and hence still be thinking about porn albeit in a negative sense (one is still thinking about it), still, one doesn't want to be careless or lack diligence, especially when it comes to what we're coming out of.

In writing my book, or working on my own ventures, I have to watch how much time I spend on Facebook. While what I'm (usually) doing there is helping others, still, it's a time-killer. So, I'll come up with a strategy where I'll only come on when there's 5, or 7 and above notifications. If not, then I'll focus on what I'm to be more productive toward.

Either way, sounds like you have a plan in the works for that, right? Good luck with it.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on February 03, 2015, 02:01:57 AM
Yeah guys, I think I need to stay off Facebook too. I've come to the realization that as much fun as it is having my opinions heard and liked, actually no one gives a fuck about them.  I'm clear on the fact everyone has their own lives going on and they are escaping to FB, porn, whatever the cruise and pickup dating sites are I've heard about, etc. 

So Lyon you are doing so well, one day of drifting about in no represents failure.  It's good you're paying attention and observing.  What I observe is maybe it was a day you needed to take off and do something different than try to work  Some days despite our upbringing about productivity for the industrial economic machine, we just need to be human and go do something different and recharge the batteries.  Boredom is a symptom of that I think.

You sounded a bit hard and harsh with yourself buddy.  Not a lecture, not advice, but coaxing and nudging:  do something else.  Take a day or three off and (I don't know where you are exactly) but you know, if you're in Portugal, head for the beach.  if you're in Switzerland, take a tram to the top of somewhere and have hot chocolate.  Go by yourself.  You'll meet interesting people on the way if your SOs can't go with you.

Just saying, get to the bottom of your shit when you can.  In the meantime just do what makes you feel better.   

You're doing awesome and are inspirational.  By the time you wake up and get going today, this will all probably be past anyway.  Cheers!
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 03, 2015, 03:35:16 AM
Day 8 of career/life reboot. 97 days PMO-free. Thanks boys for the encouragement, links, and kick ass positive juju. What I take away from your suggestions is that I have to change my focus. I'm wrongly focusing on working like I did in finance years ago: suit, tie, 12-14 hour days, big transactions, power lunches, lots of pressure etc. Living in a small town in Europe has killed my former financial career. But I still have a kick ass business and wonderful employees. So today I'm focusing less on the past and more on what I want to accomplish in the present. While I took a moment to post here, I woke up much more motivated today (and with a raging hardon). I agree with the link you provided NTG that beating PMO addiction shouldn't be about pure abstinence, but rather about building a better life. Likewise, today I'm trying to reboot my business rather than simply relive glory days, work a certain number of hours, or just make money. Your posts were very helpful so thanks brothers! Still absolutely no need/urges/drive to watch porn. Quick post as I have to get back to work. Will check in at the end of the day. Be well nation. LIVING IN THE PAST IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 03, 2015, 02:22:01 PM
Day 8 of career/life reboot. 97 days PMO-free (cont'd). Success! This is the first day where I feel I've accomplished a lot. It's a great feeling and not surprisingly, an old law school classmate just called me out of the blue. How's that for good mojo? Today felt like day 1 of my PMO reboot, but without the c*ck obsession of course. The details are too boring but I now understand why I was freezing on a web redesign project that has dragged on for almost 10 months. I was pitching what I wanted and sticking to my plan rather than giving clients what they want. It's about letting go to let my business grow without me. So in essence my business was like my marriage: drowning but I refused to let go. It's like switching from porn to hookup sites; it's all the same problem. Thanks boys for helping me work through this. Your posts and encouragement were insightful, helpful, and motivating. On the PMO front, today my morning wood wanted some pillow humping (see earlier posts), but I just laughed that off because, after all, that would mean me having sex with a throw pillow which is absurd. I can wait until Saturday when I see my BF again. And as I told him on the phone, he better rest up Friday night. I'll leave you with that gay visual my friends. Be well. HUMPING INANIMATE (YET SOFT) OBJECTS IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: Feetfirst on February 03, 2015, 05:46:50 PM
Ha ha Lyon. That is very funny! It is good to laugh! We have much to be merry about. Glad to hear you are starting to resolve things on work front. Much as we compartmentalize life. In reality its not really like that. Everything affects everything else. I expect as your mind clears from the porn haze you are able to make much clearer judgement on other unrelated aspects. Nice one. Welll done. Have a humping good weekend! ;)
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: ready2go on February 03, 2015, 06:31:06 PM
Some things you just cannot unsee. 
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: avesraggiana on February 04, 2015, 12:00:33 AM
Some things you just cannot unsee.

I know it! But it's so much fun being titillated by lyon3's antics.
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 04, 2015, 03:48:48 AM
Day 9 of career/life reboot. 98 days PMO-free (cont'd)....and it's been 3 days since I humped a pillow! YES!!! Thanks for your kind posts of encouragement brothers. Yesterday was a turning point in my career reboot. The pressure just melted away and I naturally started working again. Addiction is a bit like the carnival game 'Whac-A-Mole.' You think you've bashed the problem into oblivion only to have it rear its ugly little head somewhere else. Rather than play the game, yesterday I just pulled the plug. SHE-BANG! My inability to work was simply because of my self-esteem and control issues. I'd lost all confidence in my work and yet I prevented everyone around me from moving forward. (Get ready for another list!) I am the problem. So yesterday I let go by:

1. Reaching out for help (no more isolating)
2. Listening to what others had to say (no more self-centredness)
3. Letting go of the daily guilt/shame, "I'm not working enough"
4. Apologizing to my team for the delays, and then setting realistic goals (honesty)
5. Accepting this won't be easy, and then doing the work (being realistic)
6. Repeating 1-5 if I get stuck again (learning from my mistakes)

As others have shared, we can't simply reboot via abstinence - we need to change ourselves in a very profound way. Likewise, I first treated my career reboot as a superficial change, namely working more hours, rather than the more substantive change: changing my paradigm. So I'm feeling better today and will check in this evening before dinner with my progress. Thanks for your help everyone. Without your posts, support, messages, book recommendations, and b*lls out love, I couldn't have made it this far. Be well. WASTING MY LIFE IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. 

 
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 04, 2015, 10:20:46 AM
I see where you'd have a hard time giving up control of your business Lyon. It's the baby you've created with your blood, sweat and tears. Allowing others to have free reign over the affairs that affect our lives is all about trust. For me, I realized that part of my porn use was related to the fact that I couldn't trust people with my heart. I viewed all people as being unreliable at best. I am an incredibly fragile person and the thought of being in a relationship terrified me. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone was my philosophy. Man, was I missing out on living. I was certain that I would be heartbroken. Since I am and addict I allowed myself to obsess over the inevitability of a broken heart. I added mass to my rain clouds and made it something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I drove my wife away with jealousy and porn. I made her feel insecure with my constant vigilance because of my lack of confidence and my objectifying habits.

Being able to delegate a few tasks that are close to your heart, and listening to advisers shows progress in the trust department. Keep chipping away at it. You're adjusting beautifully.

P.S. Remind me to hide my pillows if you ever come state side. I want to be considerate of your triggers.  ;)
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 04, 2015, 11:31:12 AM
I'll never live the pillow humping down. Damn my newfound honesty!
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 04, 2015, 04:41:10 PM
Day 9 of career/life reboot. 98 days PMO-free (cont'd): It's the end of the day here in Europe so I'm writing just before bed. I'm really starting to rebuild momentum at work so I'm cautiously optimistic. Before my office time was a series of stolen glances at various porn videos or dirty Tumblr pictures while pretending to work. I can't believe my co-workers never caught me. Or perhaps they just never said anything. If I found myself alone at the office in the evenings, it was open season. I'd lock my office door and, before you could say "hump a pillow", I'd be pants down, fapping away to whatever filth was my fancy at the time. I'd say that in the last 6-9 months of my porn addiction, from February 2014 until just before reboot in late October 2014, I wouldn't even get an erection from porn. Just a limp noodle and trickle orgasm. And I'd seen so much hardcore stuff that the only thing I that would give me my dopamine hit was...get ready...vanilla hetero porn (I am gay.) I'd like the rest of my life to be like today. I had a great chat with my ex-wife at her place. We talked about finances, the kids, and me spending all of next weekend with the kids while she is away. I'll be moving into their place for the weekend to avoid the kids having to uproot. Then I hit the gym, got eyef*cked by guys half my age (always fun), took my clothes off for a shower, and did a double take because my hard body looks nothing like the fat porn-addicted slob I was just 3 years ago. And my junk looks fuller and healthier than it has in years. Back at the office, I really enjoyed working for a change. This hasn't happened in almost 10 years. I topped off the day with some great sales and really connected with some potential leads who I know are going to become customers. So for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I accomplished something today. That's a great feeling. Before you think I fart rainbows and ride a unicorn, I want to tell everyone struggling with PMO addiction, if I can come this far after 15-20 years of the deepest and darkest addiction, there is hope my friends. But I couldn't have done it alone. So I also want to thank all of you for reading, encouraging me, and acting like a (virtual) family. Be well my friends. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION...AND NEVER WILL BE. 

 

Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 05, 2015, 01:39:38 AM
Day 10 of career/life reboot. 99 days PMO-free. On the eve of breaking double digits PMO-free, I am asking myself: "Is this me?" I am both centred and motivated today to work on this maddening f*cking website project. So this will be a quick post. Today will be a normal day: work; kids over for lunch; gym; work; dinner; sleep. Last night I hosted a meeting for my building's co-op board. Knowing that alcohol is one of my many triggers, I didn't touch a drop. During the post-meeting cocktail party, it was wonderful to really listen to my neighbours. Interacting with people on a very deep and personal level is a new experience for me. In the past, I tended to get nervous repeating to myself: "Don't act gay," "Do they know?" or "I wish I were in front of the computer jerking off." It was a very sad and very rat-like existence. No more. So I'm now PMO-free, TV-free, and I'm moving towards alcohol-free I think. Another thing that has melted away are my many obsessions. I used to obsess about EVERYTHING but that too is abating. That's all for now but I'll check in at the end of the day. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: TIME FOR A LIFE/CAREER REBOOT
Post by: lyon03 on February 05, 2015, 02:34:36 PM
Day 10 of career/life reboot. 99 days PMO-free (cont'd). End of the day here in Europe but I'm on a bit of a roll workwise so I'm going to work later than usual. I'm making good progress today....FINALLY! I tried a different technique to keep from mindless internet surfing and the results are encouraging. When I feel my mind wandering from work, I try to push through it for at least another 3-5 mins. This delays my PMO brain's need for screen stimulation. If I still feel the itch after that, I give myself 5 timed minutes to come here for a quick look around. I have since reduced that to 2.5 mins which is about enough time to post 3-5 lines. I'll try 1 min tomorrow. Retraining my brain after years of porn addiction is a bit like getting a wild squirrel (on meth) to navigate a maze. Like a meth-head squirrel, let's call him 'Methy', my brain darts here and there but I'm slowly working towards a destination. I find the concentration exhausting as my brain has gotten a bit flabby over the years from underuse. But I retrained my muscles so I can also retrain my grey matter. On a more personal note, I had my 2 youngest over for lunch and it was nice to have a bit of disorder in my apartment today. Before dinner, I went for a nice walk. It's cold, windy and deliciously snowy in my part of Europe tonight. So there wasn't a soul outside. I walked around the port in my little village and spontaneously yelled out 'FREE!' as the wind howled. I laughed to myself...and maybe even shed a frozen tear. Being free from addiction and re-starting my career are two blessed gifts. So I'll close by writing: THANK YOU.   

 
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 06, 2015, 04:54:19 AM
Day 100: Wha!? How the f*ck did I get to 100 days? It seems like just yesterday I hit 90. For those of you struggling with PMO addiction, or any addiction for that matter, there is hope. If after 15-20 years of hard core porn addiction I can reach 100 days, anyone can. But you have to want the miracle and work like hell to get it. I have shared volumes of myself through this website and another. This community probably knows me better than anyone on Earth. That was key to reaching 100 days. I feel honestly and openly writing anything and everything on this website has exorcised all of the bad juju lurking in my addict's brain. But writing about myself wasn't enough. Sharing other's journeys and encouraging them taught me a degree humility I never thought possible. Just 100 days ago, I was on a path that would have killed me. My days were filled with meaningless gay hookups, PMO, mind-numbing TV, and crushing unhappiness. In fact, in December 2013 I seriously contemplated suicide. Now I have simply too much to live for. In the past, I failed to tame my addiction because I didn't realize addiction was just the end result of a lifetime's worth of bad choices. I often refer to addiction as the iceberg because it's just the tip; 9/10ths of my bad juju remained below the surface. I have a more apt metaphor: it's a journey. T.S. Eliot wrote:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

That's it. That's what I've done. My life was a series of forks in the road. I could either take the path of short-term pain by making the hard choices, the honest choices. Unfortunately, I always took the easy way out: mostly lying and hiding. When my choices caught up with me, I turned to porn to dull the pain. As we all know, porn eventually became the pain. Whether we call it reboot, recovery, or sobriety, we must first go back along the path and along the way make right past wrongs. For example, I chose conformity through heterosexual marriage rather than the honest choice: accepting my homosexuality. Reboot meant I had to go back and right that wrong. I am no longer afraid my past mistakes. Forgive myself, learn, move on, but never forget the lessons learned. Through reboot I've learned that honest pain is temporary. But running from life's painful decisions only delays an inevitable (and more painful) reckoning. Taking the wrong path feeds addiction. Addiction is no longer a part of my life. Period. Porn is no longer an option. I see now porn was but a symptom of a great malady. I haven't cured the disease but feel its more in long-term remission. I couldn't have done this alone so thank you my brothers for your daily love and support. 

I am a more honest person that I was 100 day or even 1000 days ago. I guess T.S. Eliot was right: I know myself for the first time. And I love the person I've become...again.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Patrick on February 06, 2015, 06:13:39 AM
100 days, that's awesome, lyon03, so congratulations! Well done, my friend. Your posts always give me a lot of hope and you're an inspiration. What I like best is that you show me that sobriety isn't the be-all and end-all of rebooting. This is a LIFE reboot :) I'm looking forward to following your beautiful journey, and am also curious about mine, thanks to your fabulous success. Keep up the good work and celebrate, man!
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Leon on February 06, 2015, 06:20:35 AM
Congratulations, Lyon! You are indeed an inspiration. Your posts continue to be a source of strength and direction to so many in the fog of addiction.

Hitting 100 days is an awesome milestone. When you say, "Porn is not an option" it reminds me of a similar thing I tell that addictive voice, "I do not use porn", or "I no longer masturbate."

Here's to another 100.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Dharmabum on February 06, 2015, 06:31:56 AM
Congrats on 100 days, friend!  You're a shining example of how we can use this forum and the guidelines offered here to rewire and renew! 

Keep going.  You're doing great! 
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 06, 2015, 09:45:27 AM
Congrats on triple digits Lyon! Mindful Choices + Time = Success!

Love and Peace
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: ready2go on February 06, 2015, 12:12:01 PM
Nice work Lyon.  Ditto all the above.  Keep going, 100 is huge and just the beginning all at the same time.  I can't wait to be where you are.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Poker on February 06, 2015, 12:37:00 PM
Well played......    Very proud of you my friend.

:)
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 06, 2015, 01:23:15 PM
Thanks boys for your kind support. It means a lot.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: ianmac on February 06, 2015, 10:25:49 PM
Congratulations on 100, Lyon.  I'm so happy you did it and for all the "side benefits" you've experienced along the way.  Thanks for sharing your strengths and your weaknesses with us.  Now for another 100 and another...

Ian
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 07, 2015, 04:48:26 AM
Day 101: CAUTION EROTIC CONTENT Today is going to be an amazing day: sun is shining; I'm heading to the gym; then I'm taking my boys swimming; then the hand off with my ex-wife; later my BF is coming over (grrrr) to my place for dinner. I don't want to trigger anyone but I've planned a little surprise for him that I'll call "hunky massage therapist fantasy." It involves a massage table, roaring fire, and me wearing a nametag/uniform. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him. It's been two weeks of celibacy which have been challenging but not impossible. Although yesterday I almost popped my pecs at the gym trying to burn off the sexual energy. The upside is I now look like Thor. Be well nation. PMO IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Gracie on February 07, 2015, 08:04:56 AM
Congratulations Lyon!  Good for you for doing this.  Your life will be better forever because porn is not an option!  Thank you for being a supportive person on this message board and being an inspiration!  Hope your "date night" turned out to be everything you hoped for!
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: ready2go on February 07, 2015, 10:57:51 AM
Thor.  Post the pics dude.  I wanna see.  Oh, maybe not.  grrrrr.  I can relate though:  my gym time is paying off and I can feel the muscle growing under the skin.  Feels awesome.  RAAWWRRRR
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 08, 2015, 06:47:33 AM
Day 102: Thanks for your support friends. Yesterday was fun. Swimming with my boys, then babysat the boys at my ex-wife's house, hand off to my ex-wife when she got home, then back home after babysitting to get dinner ready, mind-blowing massage/sex with my boyfriend, and then dinner. (Clearly I enjoy my dessert before dinner.) I was tested yesterday in my interaction with my ex. She took our daughter out shopping and came home at 6 p.m., rather than our agreed time of 5. She politely told me she'd probably be late because she got off to a late start. My inner addict went ballistic thinking things like:

"Doesn't she know I've got f*cking plans?"
"She does and she's trying to ruin date night"
"What a b*tch for trying to spoil things"

I now realize I was just being self-centred and defensive. Clearly I have lingering guilt about ending our relationship. This lasted about 30 minutes until I used something I learned in "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I simply asked myself, "What's real?" It dawned on me my ex-wife just wanted to spend quality time with our daughter, not concoct some devious plan to keep me from having sex. It was all in my head. I was the problem. So I texted my BF telling him I would be late and to come over an hour later, texted my ex-wife to say she should take her time, and generally just calmed the f*ck down. But I didn't even consider porn during my short meltdown. So I guess a half victory? Now on to the sex...

As I mentioned in previous posts, it had been 2 weeks since my last orgasm and unlike previous periods of abstinence, this time didn't feel like a white-knuckle-night-sweats kind of experience. I simply burned off my sexual energy at the gym or through work. Now 100+ days PMO-free, I can only describe sex with my boyfriend as an IMAX movie. Once you experience IMAX, it's very hard to go back to the tinny sound and grainy pictures of 80s-era screens. The same applies to my sex life. Now that I've stopped wasting my sexual energy on PMO, I focus completely on the experience rather than mechanical things like my boner, orgasm, etc. I no longer have ED and my orgasms are almost embarrassingly powerful...and loud. This is perhaps too graphic but I want readers to know that just last October, I had no erections, even to porn, and my orgasms were akin to a leaky faucet. So if at 43 I can reboot and rediscover sexual intimacy, anything is possible.

I'll sign off there my friends as my ex-wife and kids are just arriving for lunch at my place. Life is good...if we let it be good. 
PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: avesraggiana on February 08, 2015, 08:33:39 AM
Dearest . lyon3.

Thank you so very much for continuing to inspire us and encourage us.  I hit the 50-day mark today.  Every time I read one of your posts, I am motivated to continue because I see there’s so much to look forward to.

Thank you again, and much love.
Title: Re: 100 DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Leon on February 08, 2015, 01:20:30 PM
Day 102: Thanks for your support friends. Yesterday was fun. Swimming with my boys, then babysat the boys at my ex-wife's house, hand off to my ex-wife when she got home, then back home after babysitting to get dinner ready, mind-blowing massage/sex with my boyfriend, and then dinner. (Clearly I enjoy my dessert before dinner.) I was tested yesterday in my interaction with my ex. She took our daughter out shopping and came home at 6 p.m., rather than our agreed time of 5. She politely told me she'd probably be late because she got off to a late start. My inner addict went ballistic thinking things like:

"Doesn't she know I've got f*cking plans?"
"She does and she's trying to ruin date night"
"What a b*tch for trying to spoil things"

I now realize I was just being self-centred and defensive. Clearly I have lingering guilt about ending our relationship. This lasted about 30 minutes until I used something I learned in "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I simply asked myself, "What's real?" It dawned on me my ex-wife just wanted to spend quality time with our daughter, not concoct some devious plan to keep me from having sex. It was all in my head. I was the problem. So I texted my BF telling him I would be late and to come over an hour later, texted my ex-wife to say she should take her time, and generally just calmed the f*ck down. But I didn't even consider porn during my short meltdown. So I guess a half victory? 

Congratulations, Lyon, on resolving the inner conflict, which probably in the past escalated to 'acting out' with porn, and/or other behaviors.

Definitely a victory.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 09, 2015, 01:48:45 AM
Thanks everyone for your kind message and support. Day 103 PMO-free / Day 14 of career reboot: Just a quick post as I'm starting my work day here in Europe. So I've planned my week and am ready to continue working on my career/professional reboot. This is more about learning to concentrate again as my PMO and internet addictions destroyed my ability to remain focused, set goals, and execute. Had a really great weekend spending time with my kids (Saturday), boyfriend (Saturday night), and then had my ex-wife and kids over for lunch yesterday (Sunday). I'll be apart from my boyfriend for Valentine's Day so we exchanged gifts Saturday night. He got me the perfect gift which showed me: 1. He listens; 2. He went all out; and 3. He loves me. I think the best gifts are the unexpected ones...the perfect surprises. Back to work. For my career reboot, I'm going to switch to reading when I start cyber drifting or losing focus. This is something I did during the first month of reboot. When I got a porn urge, I read Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" to refocus. I'll check in again at the end of the day with my progress. Be well nation! PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE. 
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Feetfirst on February 09, 2015, 10:35:52 AM
Congratulations Lyon, you clearly have put some serious work into overcoming this addiction.
Pulling it out by the roots takes more time and more effort, but needn't be tortuous. The human condition is absolutely fascinating. The more we are able to enjoy the process looking at as a deep enquiry into the self the more effective it is likely to be for us. 100 days! Fantastic! Well done. FF
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 09, 2015, 03:17:33 PM
Day 103 PMO-free / Day 14 of career reboot (cont'd): Thanks FF. Still PMO-free. Porn is no longer part of my life. But there is still room for improvement on the business/career front. Alas I started with the best of intentions today but ended up spending the second half of my day endlessly surfing Youtube videos. But I'm not going to get down on myself. I then hit the gym and should go more often in the evenings. There was a smorgasbord of muscle on offer. Before I used to leer at these guys and even snap pictures. But now I just appreciate their beauty without imagining some porn-like locker room gang bang. Speaking of inappropriate, I clearly have the most gay-friendly mother on the planet. She just turned 70, texted me from her recent South American cruise: "I'm dancing with gays to disco music", and sent me some really cool boxer briefs for my birthday (6 pairs). She asked about them several times and I now know why. They're all see-through. My junk is concealed behind two layers but everything else is on full "Cher-singing-turned-back-time" display. I wish I'd know this before proudly sporting my new undies at the gym tonight. I wondered why the locker room was so quiet as undressed, then post workout I walked around in my skivvies, even chatted with a few (clearly uncomfortable) guys, and dried my hair in the mirror in my 'man panties'. *ss on full display of course. I only noticed they were sheer when putting my jeans back on. It was hysterical. I'll leave you with that visual my friends. INAPPROPRIATE UNDERWEAR IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: ready2go on February 09, 2015, 03:39:13 PM
That's hilarious.  I should hustle my ass over to the gym and get a workout. 

Once again, some things just cannot be unseen. 
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Poker on February 09, 2015, 04:52:56 PM
Lyon...  when you sought help changing your porn habits, you found online resources.   If you need help with business and motivation.......... 

I find Youtube also offers some great resources on self motivation and business. Find a few different channels.  I myself have ventured out into the TedX talks.  Not all business....  but there are a few good ones on motivation.

Congrats on the progress though.  Think of where you were this time last year just before V-day.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 09, 2015, 04:59:09 PM
Think of where you were this time last year just before V-day.

You nailed it brother. Last February I was in a complete tailspin. Your post reminded me to count my blessings. Thanks for that. Love, D.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 10, 2015, 03:50:38 AM
Day 104 PMO-free / Day 15 of career reboot: Days 90-100 flew by but now in the 100s, the days are crawling along!  Now just over two weeks on the career reboot and I'm making incremental improvements. I was wrong to think I could just undo 15-20 years of wasted screen time. Like Chiefmitch, I'll have to start being thankful for daily victories. Whereas before I had just one speed, distracted, I now have two speeds: distracted or flat out working. This I see as a good thing. I am seeing bursts of productivity I never had before. So I am improving my productivity and concentration. I think my fear of success, which is truly a fear of being happy and fulfilled, is starting to melt away. While I don't write about it very much, I am also a member of Porn Addicts Anonymous ("PAA"). This is a 12-step programme for people like me with porn addiction. I am currently on step 9, which is when we apologize to everyone we have harmed because of our addiction. My addict's mind is highly undisciplined so PAA, the steps, the weekly meetings, and having a sponsor have been like a blueprint for my recovery. If you're struggling with porn addiction, I highly recommend checking it out (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). I'm going to post on the PAA website and then get back to work. I'll check in at the end of the day. Thanks for reading everyone. HAPPINESS/SUCCESS ARE OPTIONS. 
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: Bagpuss on February 10, 2015, 08:05:06 AM
Great journal/journey Lyon. Thanks for the advice, encouragement and sharing your experience. Fantastic achievement, here's to everyone else reaching that milestone.

Peace.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! THIS IS HOW I DID IT.
Post by: lyon03 on February 10, 2015, 04:39:39 PM
Thanks brother. Late here in Europe and I'm off for bed/dinner. Mixed bag workwise but I'm keeping my head up. I live to fight on again tomorrow. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
Post by: lyon03 on February 11, 2015, 12:42:41 AM
Day 105 PMO-free / Day 16 of career reboot: Still PMO-free and committed to a life without P & M. But really enjoying every explosive O with my boyfriend these days. And very much looking forward to seeing him again Friday. Grrrrr.

This is going to be a bit of a longer post because I feel the need this early morning in Europe. Yesterday was a complete wash workwise unfortunately. Again I started with the best of intentions, only to spend the majority of my day surfing Youtube videos. While the videos were g-rated, mostly coming out videos and cute gay couples vlogging, I was going down the path towards relapse and didn't understand why. Searching "gay" on Youtube inevitably leads to that damned right hand column. You know the one. It has all those fleshy, trigger-filled porn-like trailers. While I didn't watch any of these, losing track of time in youtube, clicking from one video to the next, and then feeling like sh*t at the end of a wasted day were all too familiar. I didn't understand why it happened but, EUREKA, it hit me early this morning. I'm running. (GET READY FOR ONE OF MY FAMOUS LISTS!) I realized I've been putting off some hard business decisions. I work in a service-based and customer-driven industry. So my job is to keep my clients happy. On the business front, the following tend to trigger me:

1. Unhappy Customers: Any situations where I feel I'm disappointing my clients. I am a pleaser so this kills me.

2. Money: I still tend to pay quite late because I fear poverty more than I fear failure. This results in me paying people late or waiting until a situation becomes a crisis before hurriedly making payment.

3. Making Mistakes: Although reboot and encouraging others have taught me greater humility, I still have a hell of a time admitting fault, apologizing, and then moving on. I express my lack of self-esteem through a mask of over confidence and even arrogance.

I now see that 1-3 have been in the back of my mind, I was doing porn-like things to run from the hard decisions, and will remedy that this week. Man recovery is f*cking hard work! Just when you think you've got things sorted, the bad habits flare up again. Whether in business, school, or my early recovery, I have always wanted things to be soft and easy. I've always wanted my life to be like cruise control - just riding down the highway without a care in the world. This was utopian bullsh*t. Life is full of challenges. I have to stop trying to take the easy way out. This is why I chose addiction. Addiction is nothing more than a drug to delay making the hard decisions. But in avoiding or delaying, we simply make things worse. Wow I've written myself into an epiphany!

There are four other things I haven't really written about that were very basic and yet very important elements that helped with my recovery. They are:

1. No TV/Games:

Before Reboot: I suffered from not only a PMO addiction, but also a general screen addiction. I stopped watching TV during my reboot. I was on a steady screen diet of porn, fleshy TV series (like 'Game of Thrones'), or mind-numbing reality TV (like the 'Real Housewives' series). I've since put both porn and TV out of my life. This doesn't mean no TV whatsoever, I watch 1-2 movies a month, but it's no longer part of my daily diet. I also gave up video games like Plants vs. Zombies. I tried playing a game on my tablet during the longish flight back from Israel last month but after about 30 seconds, I thought: "This game is a compete waste of time," and read a book instead.

After Reboot: I no longer have a TV in my apartment and read about 30-minutes to an hour daily before bed. Post-divorce, I now live alone and so when I have downtime while cooking, cleaning etc, I throw on an audio book or listen to music.

2. Sleep:

Before Reboot: In the depths of my PMO addiction, I suffered from chronic insomnia. I've learned that insomnia runs in my family, mostly on my mother's side. My mother, sister, aunt, and cousin all suffer from it. A combination of genetics and my porn habit meant my daily routine was something like this: up at 7:00; PMO on and off at the office from 8:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.; home for dinner; games on my tablet (like the highly addictive Plants vs. Zombies); some trashy and sex-filled TV show or fleshy reality TV show from 9 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Surfing the internet aimlessly until 1-2 a.m. Sleep and repeat.

After Reboot: Insomnia cured. I start fading around 10 p.m., fall asleep around 11-11:30 p.m., fall asleep almost instantly, and wake up exactly 6.5-7 hours later. I now feel rested when I wake up rather than with some screen-induced mental hangover.

3. Diet/Exercise:

This isn't a before and after because I got back into shape about 4 years ago. Exercise is an integral part of reboot and long-term recovery. I am a 40+ year old gym bunny and if I go 2-3 days without a workout, I start to get very twitchy. I do a combination of both weights and cardio and do three different workouts: first is heavy weights (traditional weightlifting with 3 sets and the pyramid of increasing weights with lower reps); second is body pump where I do non-stop exercises (usually in 3s) working different parts of my body without rest; and the third workout is a combined version of the first two workouts. The results have been encouraging. Most importantly, exercise helped me work off the worst of PMO withdrawal and, later, sexual tension. Post-divorce, I started shopping for myself again and have improved my diet considerably. I was addicted to chocolate before and now just don't buy it, although I will splurge about once a month and eat some. I also eat mostly fat-free meals and am starting to see an impressive decrease in body fat while maintaining my muscle. It's no secret that if you want to see your abs, you have to reduce your body fat so they show. 

4. Socializing:

Before reboot: I acted like some pervert or sexual deviant. I carried around my shameful porn secret like some foul smell. I wouldn't talk to people, had trouble making eye contact, and generally existed in my virtual world. If I saw people socially, I was always very awkward. I'd talk over people, couldn't listen, and generally gave everyone the impression I'd rather be fapping that chatting with them. I was also highly critical of others, hoping their mistakes would somehow mask my own failings. I tended to isolate as well.

After reboot: I just feel more comfortable with myself and therefore more at ease around people. I no longer have anything to hide and this makes me more open/approachable. I am a much better listener than before rebooting. I now actively listen to what people are trying to tell me, rather than waiting for a pause in the conversation to blurt out my opinions. I am less critical, more forgiving, and more patient than before reboot. I am still by nature a bit of a loner, but I now accept this is just who I am rather than some horrible character flaw.

I have to end this post because I'm heading to the gym shortly and then must get back to work. I feel much better now that I shared why I was going down the wrong path to relapse. I also feel like I've contributed by sharing some simple things that helped me during my reboot. To everyone struggling with PMO addiction, my heart goes out to you. I know reboot is difficult. But everything in life worthwhile is hard I guess. My life is so much better without porn and yours will be too my friends. Stay strong. Stay focused, and remember: PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
Post by: Patrick on February 11, 2015, 03:42:50 AM
Thanks, lyon03, for that beautiful post. I love your taking the time to write this, and it helps me a lot. It gives me hope and touches me. There's life before death, and there's life after porn ;) Be well, my friend, and have a great day.
Title: Re: 100+ DAYS! AND STILL LEARNING EVERY DAY.
Post by: lyon03 on February 12, 2015, 02:50:14 AM
Day 106 PMO-Free: Through reboot and a 12-step programme for porn addicts, I believe I’ve learned the tools to remain PMO-free for the rest of my life. On October 29, 2014, I stopped watching porn and adopted a ‘porn is not an option’ attitude. For me, there was no going back to the shame of wasting my life endlessly fapping to XXX videos. For over a month now, I have unsuccessfully attempted to stage a career/business reboot. I own my own business and obviously my professional life suffered because of my out-out-control porn (and later sex) addiction. I didn’t really understand why I’m not making better progress with my career reboot until now. Addiction is a bit like the carnival game ‘Whac-A-Mole.’ All addiction is escapism and while I was off the porn, off the gay hookup sites, and had stopped anonymous sex, I now find myself with a G-rated internet addiction. This is just another form of addiction/escapism and it stops today. My new motto is ‘screen addiction is not an option.’ Yes I stopped the PMO, but am still guilty of the following:

1. A Youtube addiction: I have the Youtube habits of a 12-year-old “One Direction” fangirl. I now spend more time online with gay couples and gay pretty boys than I do with my own children. This is a complete waste of my time. Last night I probably spent about 5 hours watching (and crying to) gay marriage proposals, gay weddings, vlogs from gay couples, etc.

2. Internet Escapism: When I hit a snag at work or feel a challenge coming on, I escape to virtual reality through obsessively posting here, reading online newspapers, checking the Euro-dollar exchange rate (my business is in Europe), or the like.

I have now accepted my PMO addiction has morphed into a general cyber addiction. So what now? Rather than relive the guilt and shame that feed my addiction, I prefer to see the upside. I have beaten porn addiction, found love, and my business is thriving. But I want to relearn the concentration, focus, and drive to take my business to the next level. This will be impossible until I apply my PMO reboot skills to a reboot from cyber addiction. So what now? Here is my game plan:

1.   Youtube is now off limits: 99.9% of my Youtube time is to escape, 0.1% of Youtube time is to post professional videos for my businesses. So I’m giving myself 30 days off Youtube and will start another counter for this goal.

2.   Limit my Reboot Nation time: This website is an integral part of my sobriety/recovery from porn addiction. But healthy recovery has warped into more of an addiction lately via excessively posting here. As such, I’ve written this post in word (offline) and simply cut/pasted it into my thread. I’ll also spend less than 15 minutes/day posting on other’s threads. I think this is a healthy strategy because I feel it’s important to share with others. Helping others through reboot ultimately helps me remain PMO-free. So I need to remain active on the website but not obsessive. So 15 mins/day will have to suffice.

3.   Limit my Internet Time: I am going to cut my online time in half to 4 hours a day. This will force me to work offline either planning, writing, reading, researching etc. For example, I don’t need to obsessively check my emails nor be on Skype with my staff (who work with me virtually). I can download my emails 2-3 times a day, draft responses while offline, and then send the replies out in batches when I reconnect to the internet.

So this is my new strategy but I’d love your input. If anyone else has battled general cyber addiction, please let me know what worked for you. I’ll check in again at the end of the day with my progress. SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: lyon03 on February 12, 2015, 03:00:24 PM
Day 106 PMO-free Day 1 Youtube free: Success! I feel embarrassed I didn't cut Youtube out of my life at the start of my reboot. Silly me. Well, live and learn my friends. I'm ashamed to write this next list (LIST ALERT!) but I survived a full work day without Youtube. This is probably the first time in about 8 years I've gone a full office day without watching a Youtube video. Funny how I didn't drop dead without:

- Lip sync complications from Rupaul's 'Drag Race'
- Coming out compilation vids
- Gay marriage proposal compilations (I get misty every time)

Not surprisingly, I was much more productive and focused today. I'm still working towards my career/professional reboot goal of having a full, non-stop, uninterrupted, power babe 8-hour workday. In short, I want to spend each day working towards my goals, rather than watching drag queens lip sync. So today was a solid 6/10 when noted against my dream work day. So this is my goodbye to Rupaul and all the other life wasting sh*t I watched for years on Youtube. Thanks to everyone for your love, support and advice. While I'm on the road to recovery, and appreciate the relapse ditch will always be close no matter how far I go, this gay has his hands firmly on the wheel and I've got my eyes fixed on my destination: dreamland. While it took me a long time to make this simple choice to cut out all useless screen stimulation, I can now proudly write: RUPAUL IS NO LONGER AN OPTION!

PS: I've also changed my photo to Freddie Prinz Jr. Life just keeps getting better.
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: Phase2 on February 12, 2015, 04:05:22 PM
Good job. You won't be missing ANYTHING! No impressive obituary ever read 'he watched a hell of a lot of fierce drag queen vids.' Congrats.
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: Gay Gladiator on February 13, 2015, 08:04:38 AM
Lyon--I appreciate the "whack-a-mole" character of porn/ cyber addiction. Can't say I watch YouTube much (but was just thinking...hmmm, never seen RuPaul lip synch, I would like that...). But staying off the porn sites has freed up hours each day, of unsatisifed computer searching. I'm in danger of becoming a Wikipedia junkie, looking up biographies of all the actors I see in movies I watch (ask me anything you want to know about Benedict Cumberbatch). What's the point? Not sure if I need k9 blocker, or a whole computer time-out for a while. Day 11, and am acknowledging...lack of focus, to put it mildly. Today: no extraneous Internet searches, and focusing on what I do for a living. Since I work for myself, shouldn't be too hard to be productive. Also did a quick calculation of how much time I spent with porn, in all it's forms, and dissatisfying anonymous hook ups, over the decades. The actual number...well, enough for a lifetime. And certainly enough for my lifetime. Zippy cold out, but beautiful sunrise. That's plenty, for today. I think I'm just going to concentrate on breathing, for a while.
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: lyon03 on February 14, 2015, 05:37:30 AM
Day 108 PMO-free Day 2 Youtube free: Hey brothers! I didn't post yesterday because I simply didn't have the time. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for posting my 'lite beer' theory on countless fellow members' threads and yet blindly doing the exact same thing. As I've often written, when you're an alcoholic and love whiskey for example, switching to lite beer isn't sobriety/recovery. It's just rationalization. Similarly, I stopped my porn addiction (whiskey) only to binge on a lighter screen addiction: Youtube (lite beer). I was wrongly focusing on a career/professional reboot when I was still battling a morphed version of my PMO addiction. Well I gave up Youtube (and all other wasted screen time) two days ago and I feel that I'm finally back on track: both personally and professionally. I'm not going to cry victory as this would be premature, but I feel like I'm on the right path to beating not just PMO but all of my screen addictions. With regards to Youtube, I was just using it as a porn substitute. I can now see the patterns were exactly the same: losing time; clicking/searching/fast forwarding; and virtually (yet falsely) connecting with the people on screen. It was just escapism all over again. Once I stopped using Youtube, just like stopping porn, my brain craved the scenes, actors, and dopamine highs. I want a real life, not some virtual version. I now understand all screens, whether TV, porn, Youtube, or even movies, are just an escape for me. I no longer want to run from life, nor life's challenges. So I've set a counter for Youtube addiction and am celebrating day 2. While I have a 30-day goal, I know I'll never use it again.
     
Not surprisingly, the last 48 hours screen-free have been great. Yesterday I had mind-blowing sex with my boyfriend (PIED and ED are a thing of the past), then lunch together, then back to work, then off to my friends' beautiful manor house nestled in rolling vineyards nearby for a night of story telling. Yes you read correctly. There were about 30 people there to listen to a professional storyteller. This woman recited from memory 7 legends from various different cultures: French; Arab; Eastern European; Chinese; African; and others. She spoke for about 90 minutes. I was captivated. Not only was she a terrific storyteller with a beautiful and melodious voice, many of her stories resonated with me. It was both magical and serene.

My reboot may be in its final stages, but my new life (screen-free) is just beginning. Thanks for reading everyone. Your love and support have saved me. I couldn't have come this far alone. SCREEN ADDICTION IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: avesraggiana on February 14, 2015, 09:37:21 AM
OH... I would absolutely LOVE to hear a professional story teller!  I’m recalling the scene right now from Out of Africa, where Meryl Streep’s character, over a candle lit dinner, starts relating a story to Robert Redford.  The moment she opened her mouth, I was in a thrall.

Happy Valentine’s Day, to you too!
Title: Re: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Post by: Jimmy James on February 14, 2015, 09:40:20 AM
I spend too much time on non-porn-lite sites such as Baseball Fever and TivoCommunity.  They are not even remotely porn, but they do take up too much of my time.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 14, 2015, 05:16:24 PM
Thanks for your kind messages. While I am no expert, I'd recommend that fellow rebooters who are 90+ days into recovery remain vigilant about their addictions mutating. My 'porn-lite' was Youtube which I've now given up but for others it may be fleshy TV, Facebook, Tumblr, etc. It's like Poker wrote, "No matter how far we travel along the road to recovery, the ditch is always there." I always wanted my reboot to be a cure, rather than long-term remission. I guess I've always looked for the easy way out. I now accept that's no longer possible. But life is getting better. Taking a cue from Chiefmitch, I'm going to write three things I'm grateful for today:

1. Sobriety: I never realized how wonderful life could be without PMO. Life with addiction is like black & white TV, whereas sobriety is a full-on IMAX movie.

2. Family:
My three wonderful kids who still love and accept me even though I'm divorcing their mom. My ex-wife has also been so kind and courageous even though the end of our relationship almost killed her (emotionally-speaking).

3. Gay Love:
WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT. I came out in May 2012. Then I thought my world would end. Bullsh*t. I am so grateful for having met the man of my dreams while staying on good terms with my ex-wife (in fact I'm staying over at her house tonight while she enjoys a 'girls weekend' away). I've now done both a straight relationship and a gay relationship...and gay is so much f*cking better. Sorry to my straight reboot brothers as you'll never know. Two men together are the perfect fit. Now before getting grossed out, consider for a moment the advantages of (male) gay love: 

- No more "What are you thinking?" EVER! In the 2.5 years I've been with my BF, I've never said nor heard this. I never have to dig to find out what my boyfriend is thinking. Largely because men just don't have deep thoughts and if a guy has something to say, we just say it. It's f*cking heaven.

- Independence. Here is a great example. I went to my BF's company Xmas party in December and probably spent no more than 20% of the night with him. Rather than get pissy and needy, I preferred to get smashed at the bar with his co-workers. No quiet anger, no sniffly "I was all alone", just me at the bar with his co-worker's credit card yelling for a round of shots. Guys just aren't as needy.   

- Sex. Two men in bed is all business my friends. No more negotiating, nor huge build up, nor cold shoulder in bed because someone 'isn't in the mood'. Guys are usually ready to go...all the time. And once finished, no deep pillow talk (see above), just sleep. On Friday I had great sex with my BF, a nap, and then out for burgers/beer. Nirvana!   

- No more lady tears. Now that I've 'switched teams', I realize my ex-wife used tears as a weapon. Let's face it, once she turns on the waterworks, the argument is over...and you just lost. Fighting with a man is a bit like fighting with your best friend as a kid. You yell a bit, wrestle a bit, but at the end you forgot why you fought and just go back to being best friends.

- Silence. My ex-wife really had the gift to gab. She talked all the time. On a good day, I probably registered about 20-25% of what she said. (Sorry ladies but it's true.) Men have less to say so they talk less or sometimes we don't talk at all. It's bliss.

- Being best friends. A gay relationship isn't like dating your best friend....you are dating your best friend. I can't tell you how many times I've been at dinner parties with my gay friends when the former boyfriend is there, even when his ex brings the new boyfriend. And they still like each other. Bromance is less complicated than straight love and, even when the relationship ends, usually guys remain on good terms. We're just not that complicated.

Thanks everyone for reading my rambling post. I had a lot of fun writing it. I'll leave you with this: PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.   
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Poker on February 14, 2015, 09:02:00 PM
Poker shakes his head........


Cheers!

p.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 15, 2015, 07:59:25 AM
Hey Lyon, really happy to see you sharing that gratitude. It pays off, I'm telling you.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: avesraggiana on February 15, 2015, 10:21:10 AM
Great post, Lyon3!

As I tell my straight friends, "Women need a reason, men just need a place.”

Though, when the occasion calls for it, and when the best TOPS bring it out in me, I can totally play the blonde, clueless, dumb-chick-thing: he’s driving like a maniac to get me back to his house and get me naked ASAP, and I’m clutching on to the armrest and cooing, “Whaaaat?....no dinner? no movie?!"
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 15, 2015, 10:46:08 AM
"Women need a reason, men just need a place.”

Nailed it! I didn't know you were part of the Nation's growing pink army my friend. I always enjoy reading your posts...and will pay even more attention than before now that we've got a growing bromance. Be well. 
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 16, 2015, 02:19:42 AM
Day 110 no PMO Day 4 no Youtube: Thanks everyone for your kind (and hilarious) posts.

I babysat my kids for 24 hours while staying at my ex-wife's house. I had to pinch myself a few times Saturday & Sunday. I was staying at my ex-wife's house! How the f*ck did that happen? I so feared the labels 'separation' and 'divorce'. To me they were like scarlet letters. We are so programmed to get and remain married that I couldn't even fathom the freedom and happiness I'd feel outside of my relationship. I met my ex-wife when I was 18 years old. I was a child. I am now 43, so a quarter century older and perhaps wiser. I am not the only gay man to marry a woman and have children. While homosexuality is more accepted and open now, in my adolescence gays were still portrayed as 'lesser thans.' I myself didn't fully accept my homosexuality until age 41 and while it was a struggle, I couldn't be happier. The new generational paradigm struck me during my trip to Israel in January. I was staying with a young gay couple in Tel Aviv, Israel's gay capital. They were 15-20 years younger than me but still pushed hard to have a threesome. I was flattered but declined as I'm in a long-term relationship. After the sexy talk, they asked if my three children knew I was gay. I replied, "Not yet." They were incredulous. "Why wouldn't you tell them?" they protested. I thought how refreshing it was to meet two young men for whom being gay was not at all an issue. I can't imagine how it must be for some people where being gay is still a punishable crime. Ahhhh youth. I only hope my kids will be as gay-friendly.

My ex-wife and I had consulted a child psychologist to discuss our impending divorce and my coming out. The specialist urged caution and we set a calendar: tell the children about divorce in September 2014; immediate separation (I moved to an apartment next door); Xmas holidays together December 2014; New Years apart; Ex-wife and kids move to new home January 2015; Divorce finalized May 2015; Dad tells kids he has started dating in May 2015; Dad comes out to kids August 2015. I've just booked a trip to take the kids to Corsica for my 'coming out' trip in August. I've gotten over the fear of coming out to people and see this time with my kids as more like a trip to the dentist for a filling: painful, slightly annoying, but necessary.

So what is the point of my post? Good question! My points are:

1. Addicts tend to attract people and create relationships that feed their addictions.
I certainly did. While I still love my ex-wife like a sister, I can no longer spend too much time with her. It may be that she's co-dependent or perhaps it's just that we tend to re-live our past history, being around her too much unsettles me. It's like when my dad realized he was allergic to shrimp. He loved shrimp but it always made him sick. My wife is shrimp to me. (That sounds ridiculous so I'll move on.)

2. If you realize your relationship is toxic, get out.

3. In Europe and North America, being gay no longer carries any social stigma. Most of my problems with being gay are largely in my head. I understand that my children will see my coming out as more of the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with their mother. But it won't represent a seismic shift in our relationship. I am learning daily to accept my homosexuality and accept that my children have less to 'un-learn' so to speak.

I have to get to work my friends. Thanks for reading and have a fabulous and porn-free day. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT VIRTUALLY. 

 



Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Leon on February 16, 2015, 12:51:15 PM
Thank you, Lyon for your post explaining things...

So, do you view that your marriage was a relationship that fed your addiction? Of course you answer that your relationship was toxic.

That must be so difficult to grapple with, not only accepting yourself, but also squaring that with society's approval or disapproval.

In a strange way- I know that we often times polarize sexual issues politically, religiously, or even within ourselves... but, and this is just a suggestion, what if we weren't our sexuality? What if we were 'neither male nor female'- meaning that what we are as human beings is far deeper than sexual genders and / or preferences?

This would be good news, because, neither society nor yet ourselves could define ourselves- for to define is to delimit.

And, ain't nobody putting bars around this one! I'm so myself, and while this or that group may not accept me- do I really want them to? If I did, would that not be in a sense acquiescing to their interpretation of things, and then in an indirect way limiting myself again by their acceptance or rejection?

Hope my words make some sense.

Grateful that these things are working themselves out for you.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: ready2go on February 16, 2015, 01:53:12 PM
Right on Leon!  It's hard to be human and not be classified as "this" or "that" because everyone wants to do that.  I don't know if it just makes things easier for some people or not or what. 

But, I am neither "this"  (straight) or "that" (gay), but tend to be attracted to humans for who they are and what they bring to my party, as well I what I can bring to theirs. 

Generalizing about men's behaviors vs. women's behaviors is a bit risky, and likely not all that accurate.  I don't like discussing my wife here because she is a rock in my life and brings me love, stability, assuredness, acceptance.  There is other stuff I don't care for like how long she stands at the kitchen sink washing the same dishes.  What the hell is she doing, anyway?  But you know, that is so trivial as to make no difference than as to be a questionable annoyance. 

The take home for me in that is categorizing and classifying, while convenient, can be misleading. 

I'm grateful for being here, for having you all here, and this was such a great post, I'm going to copy it to my own journal! 
Cheers
PS I totally agree about tv, screens, internet...most all a waste of time.  We could live better without them 95 percent of the time.  Goal:  reassess my screen and "entertainment" time and do something less wasteful, more satisfying, fulfilling, and loving.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 16, 2015, 02:08:08 PM
Thanks boys. I didn't realize there would be reboot homework Leon! Just kidding brother. Here are my replies:

1. So, do you view that your marriage was a relationship that fed your addiction? Of course you answer that your relationship was toxic.

That's a tough one. I think living a lie resulted in my addictions. I had a choice: accept my sexuality and live it openly or deny it. I chose the latter unfortunately. I met a girl at 18, thought I was in love with her, told her I was in love with her, told myself I was in love with her, married her, had kids, and only then (SHE-BANG) realized it was all a lie. I plead the 50/50 rule on whether the relationship was toxic. I can't claim to be blameless for everything that went wrong with my marriage, but I don't think we would have stayed together regardless. Separately we're both kind and caring people. But together, we're just too explosive a cocktail.

2. That must be so difficult to grapple with, not only accepting yourself, but also squaring that with society's approval or disapproval.

It was. Unlike today, there was no one to look up to. In my normal suburban life, there weren't any gay couples. Nor did I have any gay relatives. No one was openly gay in my highschool and the only openly gay guy at my university, party of 1, was run off campus. The only openly gay entertainer I can think of was Boy George and I remember reading about him in Rolling Stone magazine. I was sitting at the pool in Bermuda on a family vacation. I was gobsmacked: "Boy George is gay?!" This shows you how naïve I was at 14. But who the f*ck wanted to dress up like a Geisha and have braided hair? Not me so I was rather lost. 

3. In a strange way- I know that we often times polarize sexual issues politically, religiously, or even within ourselves... but, and this is just a suggestion, what if we weren't our sexuality? What if we were 'neither male nor female'- meaning that what we are as human beings is far deeper than sexual genders and / or preferences?

I feel that way now. Although I too am guilty categorizing. I've been dying to ask R2G (see above) if he's gay or straight. Clearly he's bisexual and in a loving relationship. Who am I to judge? But we still judge anything different from ourselves. If you ever sit down at a table where most men are gay, they think everyone is a closeted homosexual. But I'm more than just a gay man. I'm also a father, Catholic, white etc. I think when you suddenly become part of a minority group, you realize it isn't as homogenous as you once thought. For example, it was a complete revelation to me that gays and lesbians aren't the best of friends. "What exactly do we have in common? Nothing." a lesbian friend wryly observed. At a certain point in any movement, be it women's rights, minority rights, or gay rights, there is a time when the issue is less about our differences and more about the basic human qualities we share. For me, I just want to be loved for who I am. But first I had to decide who I was and then love myself. My definition of love is with another man. But that's me. For others it may be between two women, or a man and a woman, or perhaps an open relationship. It's love all the same in my opinion.

4. While this or that group may not accept me- do I really want them to? If I did, would that not be in a sense acquiescing to their interpretation of things, and then in an indirect way limiting myself again by their acceptance or rejection?

I have often repeated this quote: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." The great thing about getting older is you stop being what others want. My upbringing programmed me to: find a girl; get married; and start a business. Nothing in my childhood forced me to: love disco; collect antiques; and like muscular guys. There is a great video by Blind Melon: "No Rain." In it, a little girl is ridiculed for being dressed as a bumble bee. Everyone around her isn't a bee. She eventually finds other bees and loses it she's so happy. This is how I feel now that I've accepted my homosexuality...and man am I blowing some serious honey! All kidding aside, I realize I spent my whole life being the oddball but now that I have a boyfriend and lots of gay friends, I feel such love and acceptance. That's not a gay thing, it's a human thing.

5. Grateful that these things are working themselves out for you.

I really appreciate that my friend. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 17, 2015, 01:16:20 AM
Day 111 no PMO Day 5 no Youtube: Good morning Reboot Nation! I woke up very early today with an incredible sense of resolve. I realize I cannot achieve any of my goals unless I focus on them every day. It's as simple as that. I've been too distracted by porn, TV, Youtube, and now even this website. I started reading "The Slight Edge" which several fellow rebooters recommended. While it has an endless amount of build up, 24 pages to be exact of "Are you ready for something great?" and "Get ready!", the message is universal. The moral of the book is you need to spend each day working towards your goals. Revolutionary? No, but the message still resonated with me. I am porn-free today because I worked at it every day. Period. Porn has no sway over me anymore. So I am now working daily to overcome a general screen addiction. And at the same time, I'm working daily to relaunch my business. I've reached my time limit here my friends as I have to get back to work. Thanks for your love and support. It means the world to me. REMEMBER: SCREEN ADDICTION IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Patrick on February 17, 2015, 01:37:51 AM
Hey brother, while I love reading your posts and immensely enjoy them - Yes, I'm gay, no, I don't want to dress like a Geisha, BTW Boy George looks fabulous nowadays and has a goatee :) - I can understand that you must cut down your screen time. Better short posts than no posts. Be well, my friend, I'm happy for you. We can do it!
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Leon on February 17, 2015, 01:23:41 PM
Right on Leon!  It's hard to be human and not be classified as "this" or "that" because everyone wants to do that.  I don't know if it just makes things easier for some people or not or what. 

But, I am neither "this"  (straight) or "that" (gay), but tend to be attracted to humans for who they are and what they bring to my party, as well I what I can bring to theirs. 

Generalizing about men's behaviors vs. women's behaviors is a bit risky, and likely not all that accurate.  I don't like discussing my wife here because she is a rock in my life and brings me love, stability, assuredness, acceptance.  There is other stuff I don't care for like how long she stands at the kitchen sink washing the same dishes.  What the hell is she doing, anyway?  But you know, that is so trivial as to make no difference than as to be a questionable annoyance. 

The take home for me in that is categorizing and classifying, while convenient, can be misleading. 

I'm grateful for being here, for having you all here, and this was such a great post, I'm going to copy it to my own journal! 
Cheers

Exactly, R2G! Convenient, but misleading.

That's funny about wondering what you're wife is doing, taking so long at the sink!

Peace.

Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Leon on February 17, 2015, 01:40:41 PM

I didn't realize there would be reboot homework Leon! Just kidding brother. Here are my replies:


You're welcome, Lyon. 'Reboot homework', lol... No doubt. I didn't mean to post a freakin' questionnaire,  ::) !

Thanks for all your replies, which were both honest and thought provoking. My views on these things have certainly changed over the years, coinciding with learning of God's unconditional love and acceptance of me, while simultaneously seeking my highest good and well being, has caused me to view myself and others along the same lines.

What an awesome journey we share together, and it's my hope for us to be in a perfect state of love, where the hidden treasure which lies deep within our hearts can be discovered and shine forth.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 17, 2015, 03:34:53 PM
Day 111 no PMO Day 5 no Youtube: Success! Finally a productive workday. While I'm not out of the (porn-infested) woods yet, today I had my most productive office day in years. I feel like a warrior princess....just call me Xena. I was up too early today, too excited, and lack of sleep is one of my triggers. And so not surprisingly triggered I was throughout the day. First I was triggered at the gym leering at my favourite gym bunny. I have to start scheduling my workouts when this guy isn't around because he is: gorgeous; early 30s; rocking body; the perfect *ss; and a tradesman. Second, while driving home thinking about my favourite tradie, the audio book I was listening to referred to a 'wharehouse' which reminded me of endless gay porn scenes I used to watch. On the relapse scale, I probably got to a 3/10 with "10" being relapse. This is disconcerting because I haven't thought about porn nor masturbation in forever. Moving on...While I slammed the book "The Slight Edge" in an earlier post, it actually helped me a lot today. Before I was looking for the office equivalent of a home run whereas today I simply wanted to get a base hit. Setting realistic tasks, keeping to them, and committing to work daily towards set goals is the better approach for me. So now my motto is: slow and steady wins the race....while eating grapes off the chest of my favourite gym bunny! Sorry friends I just couldn't resist. Thanks for reading and I'll check in with you tomorrow. LEERING AT THE GYM IS NOT AN OPTION.

     
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: notgivinup on February 17, 2015, 04:56:37 PM
Lyon...glad to read your latest post. Thanks for your honesty.

So, is the leering thing going to become a new goal counter?

You're a huge encouragement to me, and I'm glad you're in here.

Thanks for all the great posts.

porn is NOT an option.
fapping is NOT an option.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 18, 2015, 01:34:53 AM
Thanks for your kind post brother. Day 112 PMO-free Day 6 Youtube Free: I masturbated to orgasm last night. But no porn. I consider this a setback rather than a relapse as I wanted to go wank-free for a year. But I would like your input. Do you consider this a relapse? Should I re-set my counter? Please let me know as I value your opinions.

The background: I woke up around midnight with an erection and then proceeded to rub one out. It lasted all of 5 minutes, I only got half hard, and at the end I felt as empty as an off-season hotel. Three things struck me during the incident: first, just before orgasm I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?"; second, I didn't really enjoy it. Yes there was pleasure and a powerful orgasm, but I'm now used to sex with a partner which is so much better. Third, I don't really feel guilt or shame about it. How can I put this? My MO session last night was a bit like eating at McDonald's. Once or twice a year, I crave a Big Mac. I think it'll be so good to eat one, to the point I'm almost getting aroused. The expectation grows as I pull into the parking lot, get my meal, and then dig in. But then, post-meal I feel disappointed and naseous. Sex with my boyfriend is like the best steak dinner ever: roaring fire; the perfect red wine; a succulent meal; perfect dessert; and great conversation with someone I love very much. By comparison, last night's MO session was a f*cking happy meal.

Am I disappointed in myself? Yes. Do I feel guilt/shame? Not really. Is this the end of my journey? Hell no. I don't want to rationalize why I did this, just learn from it. I can see from my final post last night I was playing with fire all day, looking at or fantasizing about my favourite gym bunny. Come to think of it, I also fantasized about him during dinner. I think I'll make a point of talking to him at the gym next time I see him. Getting to know someone de-sexualizes him/her. I've learned something!

Thanks for reading everyone. MASTURBATION IS BORING.

PS - Can anyone explain how I can tick this on my counter without it being a reset? I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Thanks in advance brothers!
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: ready2go on February 18, 2015, 02:01:50 AM
Lyon, I don' t think a five minute tug in the middle of the night while asleep is completely a lapse.  I'm not making excuses for you bud, but, continue to be easy on yourself.  I'm glad you told us though. 
For resetting your ticker, the way it's written is accurate.  There is no PMO to account for.  If you want a MO counter, you can add one of those and start that today, but there is no requirement to account for MO.  It's up to you.  I'm fine with your telling us and moving on.  Dude!  Over 112 days of PMO free!  How awesome are you?
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 18, 2015, 02:10:15 AM
Thanks for the encouragement and tech info brother. I'll remove the ticks from my counter. It feels good to share these things rather than keep everything inside. Now that I think of it, yesterday I was triggered: lack of sleep, turned on by another guy, and (later) fantasizing. I feel groggy today but happy you don't think it's a relapse. Be well.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Poker on February 18, 2015, 02:27:30 AM
Perspective is important.   We will never be perfect.....  Never.   

What the real issue is here what are you striving for, and how do you handle the imperfections that life throws at you.....  If you honestly came to the table with the idea that a little is ok now and then, I'd be concerned.  I would say relapse is inevitable.  And there are guys on here who think they can fix the ED issue and then enjoy it once in a while and all will be good.  Those people are fooling themselves.

That is not you.  You understand full well what this has done to you, and you are painfully aware that it has to be banished from your life.   You faced a test, and you're not happy about the outcome.  I'm relieved to hear that.  Any other answer and you'd be fooling yourself.

Its  how we handle ourselves in the face of adversity.   That will determine our success and failures.  Not the Adversity.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Patrick on February 18, 2015, 03:01:27 AM
Hey brother, I don't think it's a relapse but I believe you fell into a dope trap. For me this led straight to PMO after a few days. You could ask yourself the question if you feel like "This was somehow exciting" or "I know this was a dangerous play with fire." I had to understand that consistent use of dope triggers will end in PMO. You're wonderful and strong, and I'm sure you know where to go :) Be well, my friend.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 18, 2015, 03:36:21 AM
Thanks boys! I appreciate your love and support.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Jimmy James on February 18, 2015, 06:20:40 AM
As long as you are not eating Big Macs everyday, you are probably OK.  But be carefully, because they are addictive too and before you know it, you will be fat.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 18, 2015, 02:24:03 PM
Day 112 PMO-free Day 6 Youtube Free (cont'd): End of the day here in Europe. I'm trying to smooth out the sine wave of my life: victory (yesterday at work) followed by defeat (last night's fapping). I am maddeningly self-destructive! I don't know what I found more disappointing: the fapping or the fact that it wasn't more fun. Therein lies the rub. I guess I can't go back to Big Macs (wanking) when I've tasted Chateaubriand (intimacy). Enough!

I can see the wave is smoothing out and am hopeful it will become a straight line in time. I was wrong I could reverse an entire lifetime's bad habits in just 100+ days. Hubris! But I'm learning. Small victories. I am learning to be honest again which is a huge step. I've felt real intimacy and it's the sweetest and most delicious thing ever. I've given up pornography but still struggle with screen addiction (phone, tablet, internet). My addiction keeps popping up like "Whac-A-Mole" at a carnival. I think it's time to pull the plug rather than keep bashing away. When losing, change the game I guess. So maybe I won't play "Porn-A-Mole" anymore. It finally feels like it's time to move on from addiction. Time to pull the plug. I'm tired my friends. I'm tired right down to my soul. Tired but I'm ready to get on with my life.

I joined Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA) last October and am working through their 12 step program. I'm a member of their newly formed welcoming committee. We reach out to new members when they join to help facilitate their recovery. Yesterday I spoke to a man in his late 60s who recently joined. He's been a porn addict for over 50 years - 50 f*cking years! He was so happy to have spoken to another porn addict. I was happy to listen but felt a pang of fear. While I tried to remain neutral when chatting with him, I prayed: "Don't let this be me. Please God don't let me become this man." I think deep down that fear is what lead me to jerk off last night. Yet again I ran from the fear. Well I'm not f*cking running ever again.

Ok so I wanked last night. Nobody died...well maybe my inner addict died. I want to live, love and prosper (f*ck I sound like Spock). None of that is possible when I waste my life hiding from life, using my drug of choice: escape. Sharing my deepest thoughts and fears on this website has helped me so much. I'm going to keep going brothers. I've beaten porn and now I'm going to beat my worst enemy: the former me. Tomorrow is another day. And every day gives me yet another chance to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals. Today was really hard but I'm still here thanks to you and your support. Tomorrow I'll try again. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading my friends. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION!   
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Patrick on February 18, 2015, 02:46:22 PM
 :) lyon03, please remember that you are a good man. It happens to the best of us. Nobody's perfect, and believing that you are (and the excitement that goes with it) are part of the addiction. (Now I sound like Spock.) I've been there, and I relapsed because of it. You reminded me to love and respect myself, and I ask you to do the same. Your fapping is SO human, especially if you want to fight the fear and the pain. Yes, you're learning, we all are. I thought I could stay clean because I WANTED to stay clean, until I didn't ;) There are no guarantees in life, all I can do is truck along with you guys and stay in the game. Feeling tired: I know it so well! I've felt so tired I literally couldn't move anymore. And then life goes on and throws you kisses, big fat ones. If I could I would give you a BIG hug now. You deserve it. Be well, my friend, and thanks for being here with us.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 18, 2015, 04:01:30 PM
Thanks Patrick. Off to bed. I got it all out of my head in into this thread so I feel much better. Until tomorrow nation, stay fabulous. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: avesraggiana on February 18, 2015, 07:01:20 PM
Hey, Lyon3.

Sometimes, when you think you've stumbled, all it takes to recover is to talk it out or write it out. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Much love.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 19, 2015, 01:28:18 AM
Day 113 PMO-free Day 7 Youtube Free: Good morning nation! I'm feeling much better. Fitful sleep last night but I'm more centred today following yesterday's existential crisis. Like my last migraine (see previous post: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.175), yesterday was less about the problem and more about my f*cked up way of reacting to it. Don't react and you don't have a problem. It's not the end of the world I jerked and I'm still porn free which is crucial. Reading my former posts, and there are many, I now understand the pattern of highs/lows that marks not only my recovery, but also my life. While I'm learning to work towards and accept small victories like getting back to work, these are usually followed by some form of self destructive behaviour like fapping. Understanding the pattern helps me work through the problem. But I can't do this alone. I often write about no longer posting here which is the wrong approach. This is my arrogance coming through as I want to feel above or better than my addiction. As I learned yesterday, more than ever I need this community and the love/support of its members. So thank you to everyone who has so lovingly supported me. It takes a village to raise a gay. Be well my friends. SELF DOUBT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: ntg on February 20, 2015, 01:14:25 AM
You're still learning man, and you have the right mindset, if you mess up, don't beat yourself up about it, instead learn from it and move on.  Maxwell Maltz has a book, in which he clearly states that our minds understand goals through imagination and focus; if we focus on what we've done that is something we don't want to repeat; or if we focus on the things we don't want to do, we merely hasten our behavior towards those things.  Rather, learn from mistakes and focus/imagine a better outcome, and instead of focusing on what we don't want, focus on what we do want.  Keep going man, I know you will; just take your determination and passion and apply it towards the end result(s) you want, and focus on those.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 20, 2015, 06:49:25 AM
Thanks NTG! I appreciate your support. Day 114 PMO-free Day 8 Youtube Free: The last 24 hours were great. I babysat my kids as they had a day off school. It was a warm spring-like day here in Europe so we played Frisbee and catch outside. (Sorry for everyone living through Snowmageddon in New England.) Last night I had dinner with my boyfriend and another close friend at my place. While I don't write about him, I've become very close to a gay friend and his wonderful husband. Pre-reboot, I surrounded myself with rather negative and angry people, many from my ex-wife's family. My new friends are all very happy, hilarious, and centred. I am rediscovering fun meals with great conversation during which we discuss things, rather than criticize. It's bliss. My BF then slept over last night, great sex this morning, and now back to work. I find my highs and lows are smoothing out somewhat. The first 90 days of my reboot were peaks of invincibility to troughs of depression. (I believe they call this the 'pink cloud' period or the high I experienced living addiction-free.) I feel less like Superman now and more like Batman, without being so dark. This afternoon I have a final counselling session with my ex-wife. We started these sessions in September to work through our separation/divorce and the counsellor is kick ass. I decided to combine my step work from Porn Addicts Anonymous with today's counselling session to do step 9. This is when we ask forgiveness from those we have hurt. So I've written a letter I'll read to my ex-wife today saying I'm sorry for the porn, lying, cheating, but also expressing my hope for a new relationship based on honesty and trust. I'll head to the gym after our session to sweat out any lingering tension although it should go well. We get along better divorced, better than when married at least. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post so I'll end it. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Gay Gladiator on February 20, 2015, 07:44:36 AM
Lyon--great to read your post. I can identify with the "pink cloud" phase of stopping the porn addiction, cuz I'm there. It's exhilarating to be free, a high in itself, and feels...magic, like everything is now OK and just as it should be. Then comes the emotional roller coaster, and the many whys: why didn't I stop this before, why didn't I see this before, where would I be had I never gone down this cruddy boulevard of PMO? (all the while, thinking I was just entitled to a little private fun that didn't harm anybody else). And then crash...reality!i think about the emotional deprivation i've caused my family and myself, the neglect to my business cuz my mind (and often body) was elsewhere, and it all suddenly feels a little desperate. Then I suddenly remind myself I'm makin progress, and feel a degree of acceptance...then euphoria, then depression, then whatever else might overcome me. Steady emotional state? Hahahaha so not. I think it's great your are able to make amends to your ex-wife, and committed to honesty going forward, come what may. It's a giant step, and easy to say...but you seem to be actually doing it, and embracing an addiction-free life and becoming true to yourself, all at the same time. Nice! Curtis
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Leon on February 20, 2015, 09:31:17 AM
Lyon, sorry to hear about that episode. But I agree with R2G, that it's a lapse, but not a relapse. You're doing wonderful.

Your post reminded me of my day 75, when I lapsed, and had to decide what to do with my counter. Keeping it going helped my over all reboot, as I'm sure it will yours. Wrote about this a little in my latest check in.

Be well- you are not your addiction.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 20, 2015, 02:07:43 PM
Day 114 PMO-free Day 8 Youtube Free: Thanks Curtis and Leon for your kind messages. Today was mixed on the work front but very productive on the emotional front. If you're new to my thread here is the short version:

- Gay
- Father of 3
- Divorcing my wife of 16 years...because I'm gay
- On very good terms with the ex-wife
- 15 years of hard-core and high-speed porn use
- Sex addiction popped up 2 years ago so was also addicted to gay hook ups
- Now in long-term relationship (same guy for 2.5 years)

Who wants me over for Easter? I had a final joint counselling session with my ex-wife this afternoon. We started counselling in September to work through our separation/divorce. I'm also working through a 12-step programme for porn addicts with a group called PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous). Step 9 is about seeking amends with those we have hurt so I read my wife a letter of apology. I was so emotional my voice cracked the entire time like a pre-pubescent teen. I sounded like Yoda. On the whole, it was a huge relief because she forgave me, we cried, then hugged, and (symbolically) closed the door on our broken history (forever). She's such a wonderful person and can now be smotheringly wonderful with another man. Onward!

Lovely sunny day here in Europe with temperatures around 10 degrees (low 50s for our American readers). After the counselling session, I hit the gym and all my favourite gym bunnies were there: mr blue eyes with the rock-hard *ss and my favourite muscle-painter-tradie guy. Rather than obsessing about these guys, which led to me fapping earlier this week, I made a lot of eye contact, chatted a bit, and generally tried not to be a gym sleaze ball. Seems to have worked but it also helped that I had sex this morning with my boyfriend...something I just remembered!

I'm rambling on like a drunk bridesmaid. This week was a bit of a roller coaster but I had zero urge to watch porn and found my midnight wank session earlier this week boring, unsatisfying, and kinda gross to be honest. So a hard-earned win this week...and closing in on 120 days. How epic is that? Just wanted to thank all of the regular contributors to my thread: Poker, Ready, Chiefmitch, Leon, Patrick, Phase2 and everyone else who has shared so openly and lovingly. You're the best (virtual) family this gay could ask for. Until tomorrow nation, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.



 

 


 
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 21, 2015, 02:22:34 AM
Day 115 no PMO / Day 9 No Youtube: Quick post nation as I'm off to the gym for my morning workout. Reboot taught me a valuable lesson that I think I only grasped this week. It's the small daily victories (or failures) that lead to success. For example, I decided to start a counter for my Youtube addiction and am thrilled to be on day 9 already. Where did the time go? Before I tried to reach my goals in two ways: the home run; or midnight cramming. The home run approach was just standing there and hoping that in one swing I'd achieve everything I wanted. Crack/applause! This was an illusion because Babe Ruth led his league in both strike outs and home runs. I wanted the grand slam without the effort. I've since changed my mind. My other approach was midnight cramming. I tend to put things off until the last minute and then pull it off when things get to a crisis level. Anyone can perform when in a panic, but it takes too much out of me do to this. Porn simply fogged up the whole process. It prevented me from thinking clearly and disrupted my normal work schedule. Without porn, I'm getting back on track. So today I'm starting to work on daily victories that will get me to my goals. I have a certain health goal so I'm heading to the gym to make it a reality. Have a good (and porn-free) weekend everyone. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: Leon on February 21, 2015, 11:29:54 AM
Day 115 no PMO / Day 9 No Youtube: Quick post nation as I'm off to the gym for my morning workout. Reboot taught me a valuable lesson that I think I only grasped this week. It's the small daily victories (or failures) that lead to success. For example, I decided to start a counter for my Youtube addiction and am thrilled to be on day 9 already. Where did the time go? Before I tried to reach my goals in two ways: the home run; or midnight cramming. The home run approach was just standing there and hoping that in one swing I'd achieve everything I wanted. Crack/applause! This was an illusion because Babe Ruth led his league in both strike outs and home runs. I wanted the grand slam without the effort. I've since changed my mind. My other approach was midnight cramming. I tend to put things off until the last minute and then pull it off when things get to a crisis level. Anyone can perform when in a panic, but it takes too much out of me do to this. Porn simply fogged up the whole process. It prevented me from thinking clearly and disrupted my normal work schedule. Without porn, I'm getting back on track. So today I'm starting to work on daily victories that will get me to my goals. I have a certain health goal so I'm heading to the gym to make it a reality. Have a good (and porn-free) weekend everyone. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.

I can totally relate to what you say here. It's a matter of being willing to do the 'hard part' of saying, No, to this stuff- consistently and unreservedly until it becomes a defeated enemy. Playing 'footsies' with this crap under the table, while claiming to be against it was my approach for too many years.

By the way, see you this Easter  ;)
Title: Re: 100+ Days PMO Free...This is my journey
Post by: lyon03 on February 22, 2015, 04:49:43 AM
Day 116 PMO-free / Day 10 Youtube Free: Good morning nation! Leon if you want me over for Easter dinner, please make a note I like expensive wine and gravy. On Thursday, I'll reach 120 days PMO-free. Time flies! I guess former rebooters were correct: the further we get from ground zero (the first day PMO-free) the faster it gets. I now have the perfect metaphor for reboot. If you're like me, there is a very long and complicated history that caused my addiction. So here is the metaphor.

Reboot for the mature person is like cleaning out a cluttered garage. I'm not talking about a little bit of clutter. I'm talking about the "Hoarders" kind of garage. The three-car garage that has so much sh*t in it, you can't even see the back. You sigh and wonder where you're going to start but you're motivated. You get started and over the course of a month and 16 trips to the dump, you finally get that f*cker organized. Everything is in it's place, you've swept the floor, and you can now park your car again. But wait! There is a door at the back of the garage. You never noticed this door. And you open it to find yet another garage, and it's exactly like the one you just finished. You're weary but start the process all over again. Then there is another door, another cluttered garage, then yet another door. And on it goes. It seems endless because it is.

I've worked through many stages of my addiction:

1. Coming out/accepting my homosexuality
2. Ending my marriage/toxic relationships
3. Stopping casual sex/hookups
4. I stop watching TV and give up PMO
5. Early reboot
6. Withdrawal from porn addiction
7. Emotional reboot (dealing with the root causes of my addiction)
8. Professional/career reboot
9. Early recovery
10. Long-term sobriety

That's a lot of bloody garages! As an addict, I always wanted the easy or pain-free way out. I worked through each of these stages only to find that f*cking door time and time again. I'd open it and have to start the process over again. I've learned that reboot like life is a series of challenges. I've relearned how to deal with these challenges through honesty; hard work; and community.

I've written a lot of 'how to' threads but wrongly approached these from the stainpoint the challenges would end. This was incorrect. Rather than see reboot as an end, I now see it as a process to deal not only with PMO addiction, but also with all life's challenges. So here is my personal how-to list on overcoming challenges:

1. Honesty: I tend to minimalize, rationalize, or deny certain challenges. "I'm not addicted to porn. I can control it." This is the wrong approach. I have to see things for how they are, and not better/worse than they truly are. Addicts are very good at lying to others, but we're best at lying to ourselves. I am learning to be honest with myself. And this honesty forced me to accept I could not overcome my addictions alone. Suggestion: Start being honest with yourself. I find writing keeps me honest. The slow process of writing something forces me to be honest. I can mentally lie to myself but for some reason can't post lies on this site.

2. Community: There is no shame in asking for help. But asking for help requires honesty and humility. Once I accepted I was a porn addict, I could then reach out to others for help and advice. I accidentally used this approach when coming out. I reached out to other gay dads to share in their wisdom. The wrong approach is to take on all of life's problems alone. There is weakness in isolation and loneliness. Suggestion: Post frequently, openly, and honestly on this forum. As we relearn to be honest with ourselves, we may not need this community as much. But there is a certain security in knowing it will always be here.

3. Knowledge: Thanks to the internet, I now have instant access to books, websites, and people who have successfully confronted my many problems. I've read books about coming out, dads who come out, and husbands who come out. I've read about divorce, addiction, and pornography addiction. These books gave me a blueprint for dealing with my problems because they were written by people who successfully confronted their various problems. I wrongly tried to deal with my many issues without the proper knowledge. I no longer do this. Now when confronted with a problem, I honestly identify it, reach out to my community, and read as much as I can about it. Suggestion: When confronted with a problem, learn everything you can about it about it first. This will help you create a plan of action for later. 

4. Accountability: Through this website, the Porn Addicts Anonymous website, a 12-step programme, and through having a sponsor, I am now 100% accountable for my actions. When left to my own devices, I start filling up my garage with more sh*t. But if I make a daily effort to remain sober, honest, and accountable, I tend to keep ahead of the emotional 'clutter' that destroyed my life. Suggestion: Get a sponsor or sobriety partner. When you start falling back on old habits, it's important to pick up the phone and call someone. Sharing your feelings lifts the burden.

I hope that helps. Thanks for reading nation. I will continue to follow the above four steps for the next year. I may post more or less but I am reassured this loving community will be with me through thick and thin, good and bad, highs and lows. ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: Leon on February 22, 2015, 01:57:11 PM
Excellent post, Lyon! And, mental note taken as to your (very expensive) tastes...

If I may make comment on your analogy, it was good and useful. But thinking in terms of 'endlessness', an endless amount of (potentially) messy garages door after door, may communicate to ourselves a 'quagmire' situation like Vietnam.

What do I mean? Well, many folk dealing with addictions do so as an 'open-ended' warfare, whereby there's no exit strategy, no endgame, no expectation of complete victory.

As in your garage analogy, though it may seem like endless doors/garages, it's important to define the one garage (porn addiction) as definable, having four walls, a floor, and whatever decor. This means that, when it's defeated, it's defeated. Sure, you may be cleaning out other garages (not directly related to porn addiction), but you've overcome that one, it's clean! You can celebrate that, while dealing with other areas of your life. This doesn't mean that all the garages aren't connected, because they are (holistically), but in dealing with an addiction, we definitely want to have a clear marked definition of the war that we're waging and winning.

By the way, I like the new title of your journal, "My blueprint for recovery".
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: Chile on February 22, 2015, 07:56:07 PM
Keep on writing Lyon!

I don't have instant access to the books I need to read so I really benefit from the stuff you share. Peace!
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: lyon03 on February 23, 2015, 03:55:19 AM
Day 117 PMO-free Day 11 since wasting time online: Morning nation. Today I'm taking a pause from the soul-searching to focus on the simple things. But you all know I can't resist a good list! Here are four things I'm grateful for today:

1. Having my own business: I have the dream career. I get to travel, speak several languages, live in Europe, and work with wonderful clients. I've focused too much on what I don't have when my professional life is pretty f*cking good.

2. Reboot Nation ("RN"): As a closeted gay man, I was a very very good liar. It starts with pretending to like girls. While I appreciate the female form, it took me a very long time to accept I have zero interest in lady parts. Like exercising, my lying muscles grew and grew to Arnold-like proportions. Rediscovering honesty through this forum has been a Godsend. This website is probably the first place in my life I haven't lied - nor do I want to. The RN is like the best gym ever for honesty and accountability. Every day I come here to exercise the good in me and it feels great. So I am eternally grateful to both Gabe Deem and my fellow rebooters.

3. My Family: I have the most wonderful, loving, and accepting family you could imagine. Take my mother for example. She just turned 70, now buys me sexy underwear, and proudly texted me from her South American cruise, "I'm dancing disco with all the gays!" Kick *ss doesn't even start to describe her. I also love my kids. Even though I left their mother and was generally an addicted and angry *sshole to them, they forgiven me and moved on. Kids are a wonderful example as is my ex-wife. I put her through hell and she still smiles at me every time she opens her front door to let me in. This is truly a blessing.

4. Me: I love myself. It took me most of my life to get here but I'm now proud of the man I see in the mirror. In the last 12 months, I've come out, battled addiction, worked through divorce, and found love all while growing my business. While I met my boyfriend 2.5 years ago, I could only really love him once I started loving myself. I remember the date: October 29, 2014. That's when my life truly started.

Have a great day everyone. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE VIRTUALLY. 

Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: lyon03 on February 23, 2015, 04:37:40 PM
Day 117 PMO-free Day 11 since wasting time online: Another day in the porn-free trenches. Still battling my internet addiction but staying off Youtube thankfully. As proof that I'm more disconnected, I just read it was the Oscars yesterday...and couldn't care less! I'm making incremental strides with getting back to work. It's maddeningly slow but I'm trying to celebrate small daily victories to stay positive/motivated. This week should be fun: doing lunch for the kids tomorrow at my ex-wife's house; high-powered networking/business lunch Friday; and then (Saturday through Tuesday) skiing with my BF in the Alps. Lots of snow this year and I love to ski. By the way, I saw some dirty images online yesterday. This was my first real exposure to naked pictures since starting my reboot. Zero effect. It was from a funny (New Yorker?) article about Grindr photos with horrible backgrounds. The article was g-rated but as I scrolled down, BAM!, lots of d*ck and *ss shots. So I quickly shut it down and went about my day. It didn't seem to have fired up any former neural pathways I'm glad to report. So I guess reboot does work! I'm off to bed my friends. Be well nation. D*CK SHOTS ARE NO LONGER AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: emanedur on February 23, 2015, 11:46:09 PM
Hi Lyon.117 days holy moly ! You have this addiction on the ropes for sure.Hearing you talk about skiing in the alps sounds really surreal.Usually it's something I only hear on the movies.So far away from little ole New Zealand.Guys like you are an inspiration to us rebooters with only a few days under our belts.A real testament that it can be done.Enjoy the skiing.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: lyon03 on February 24, 2015, 02:12:20 AM
Day 118 PMO-free / Day 12 since wasting time online: Thanks brother. While the temptations are gone, like you I'm only just a click, a zip, and a fap away from relapse so I'm trying to stay humble! One day at a time. Fitful sleep last night as I worked too late, had dinner around 10:30 p.m. and didn't fall asleep until around midnight. Then up at 7, no alarm, to start my day. So I've tamed my porn addiction (118 days), sex addiction (130+ days without a hook up), TV addiction (118 days no TV), masturbation addiction (went 111 days without, fapped last Tuesday, and back on track again), Youtube addiction (12 days without), and am now trying to tame a general internet/screen addiction. Indeed addiction is like 'whac-a-mole' - the f*cker just keeps popping up. I feel as though 120 days will mark the true end of my reboot, when I corner and kill the addict in me. While I still struggle with screens, and perhaps always will, I don't feel the inner turmoil, guilt, and shame I often felt before reboot. I'm starving my inner addict with a daily diet of honesty, clean living, sleep, and happiness. NERD ALERT! I'm always shaking things up to get my career/business back on track so I'm going to start tracking my progress through an excel spreadsheet. This will track how much time I spend posting/surfing here, working, exercising, etc. I'm simply applying the diligence learned through reboot to my professional reboot. Wish me luck. Remember my friends: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: Leon on February 24, 2015, 10:35:49 AM
Your doing great, Lyon, on so many fronts. It seems to me, to use your whack-a-mole analogy, that the sucker can be defeated, not only by attacking when and where he pops up, but by degrading him from within.

This you're already doing by learning and applying all the philosophies and therapies for self-recovery.

Keep up the great work, as it's exciting to track your progress.

Identifying ourselves with an addiction is not an option.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: notgivinup on February 24, 2015, 11:04:57 AM
Lyon....reading your journal is encouraging to me. I like your multi-faceted approach. Time-wasters are everywhere. You are inspiring me to give up the TV completely myself...when I think about it, I will only gain from removing myself from in front of that thing. I don't watch it that much already (probably 2 hours a week)...but even that is time that could be spent in other things that need my attention.

Really glad to see your continued progress and your determination. You're a good man.

I'm really glad that our journeys here have been concurrent.

Porn is NOT an option.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: lyon03 on February 24, 2015, 03:29:46 PM
Day 118 PMO-free / Day 12 since wasting time online: Thanks for your kind posts. I now have the tools to move on...all thanks to Excel. Porn destroyed so many things in my life but it robbed me of the capacity to concentrate. And without concentration we cannot work. Several months ago I tested how long I could concentrate on any given task without looking for a screen 'fix'. I clocked in at 3 minutes. To say I was disheartened would be an understatement. For the past two months, I've tried everything to work again. I've read self-help books, written my own obituary, written mission statements, tried meditation, have penned schedules, tried positive thinking, and lately inner monologue. Nothing f*cking worked. Then I tried Excel and bingo! I did nothing more than list my life's priorities - both personal and professional - then allocated a certain amount of time today to each, meticulously monitored my time with a stopwatch, and it worked like a charm. Today I had a normal, productive, and happy work day. This is the probably the first normal work day I've had in about eight years. Eight f*cking years! I'm happy but not in the 'pink cloud'-over-the-top-yankee-doodle-dandy-I'm-a-God-bi-polar-way I've been in the past. I simply want to get up and do it again tomorrow. In the past, I was doing the work equivalent of cramming for an exam. I'd do nothing for weeks and months, and then stay up all night catching up. This was bullsh*t. It's like PMO for weeks and months, only to abstain for a week and then relapse. Reboot taught me the daily disciplines of honesty, accountability, and hard work. I've now found a potential way to apply the same to my business/career. Is this a victory? No. Is this a start? Hell yes. I look forward to getting up tomorrow and doing it again. Good night nation. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. 


 
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 24, 2015, 04:17:39 PM
Your tenacity and can't quit attitude is the stuff of legend Lyon. Sounds like your business is gonna have a banner year!
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: lyon03 on February 25, 2015, 01:53:18 AM
Day 119 PMO-free Day 13 Since Wasting Time Online: Thanks CM. I'm so glad things are working out for your and your wife. On the eve of 4 months PMO-free, I'm feeling centred. I haven't had a porn flashback, seeing scenes in my head, in roughly a month. I no longer feel any urges to watch porn online. Is this what recovery feels like? I'm also happy to write that after months of flapping around, my business/career reboot is gaining momentum. Not too long ago my attention span was a pathetic 3 minutes. I know. I timed it. After decades of porn addiction, I could work just 3 minutes before hungrily looking for a screen fix. In an effort to reboot my career/business, I've read so many self-help books I should start my own book shop. "The Slight Edge" was the one book that truly made a difference (recommended by CM if I remember correctly). The book is both helpful and annoying. It helped me understand that success is incremental rather than 'big bang'. This isn't a revelation but it helped to re-learn a valuable lesson. Like recovery, success at anything is a question of daily effort and, to a certain degree, daily failures/struggles. The book annoyed me because it's a series of "Get ready for it!" and "Here it comes!" infomercial-type prose that just muddled the central message. But thanks to that message, I'm happy to write that yesterday I had my most productive day in years. I also faced a number of business and client issues that I'd been avoiding. As an addict, I had ZERO tolerance for pain and used pornography, masturbation, and sex to escape. As my addictions deepened, it was less about pain and more about feeding the addiction at all cost. This meant I could no longer work properly. So yesterday was a win and I'm repeating that today. In fact, yesterday was the most focused and productive I've been in about 8 years if you can believe it. Reboot helped me rediscover the discipline, honesty, and hard-work required for not only recovery from PMO addiction but also a life reboot. So thanks to all of you for encouraging me along the way. I couldn't have made it this far without you. See you tomorrow to (virtually) celebrate 4 months.
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: Chile on February 25, 2015, 02:39:52 PM
Keep writing Lyon! People need to hear abut your experiences, what you have learned, and what is changing in your life. I'm having a crappy day but your post reminds me it's all worth it and the pain can`t be compared to the dividends. Peace!
Title: Re: My blueprint for recovery
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 25, 2015, 08:11:02 PM
Such a simple and helpful read isn't it Lyon. The APllo landing on the moon was a great reference for me. Once you have a goal in mind you constantly make slight little adjustments to get to where you want to be. The shuttle was off course 97% of the time. And it made it there and back again. That means to get to where we want to be we are on course only 10 days out of a year. The rest of the time we make little adjustments to get ourselves where we need to be. SO when you feel a little off course, find a way to readjust and give yourself a break for not maintaining the perfect heading all the time. But I can tell you already know all this. I read about your little adjustments daily :)
Title: 4 F*CKING MONTHS PMO FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on February 26, 2015, 02:21:37 AM
120 days / 4 months PMO free! Well it's been one hell of a ride. I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal of 365 days porn-free. This will be a brief post because I'm at work. Here are my top 11 reboot highlights:

1. Realizing the first week of reboot (early November) that I was a self-centred, lying, cheating, and porn-addicted *sshole. Then vowing to change. 
2. Joining Reboot Nation (day 23) and sheepishly waiting for someone to reply to my first post (Beachy and Poker were #1 and #2).
3. Shaking like a heroin addict during withdrawal (first 30 days) thinking, "I'm no better than a f*cking meth head."
4. Reading "Your Brain on Porn" and learning I was addicted to dopamine/arousal, not just porn.
5. Crying to Sia's "Chandelier" at the gym (first 40 days).
6. Porn fog lifts (60+ days) and for the first time seeing my rock-hard body at the gym (3 years of lifting!).
7. Giving up TV and all of its "buy this!" "you suck so buy this!" "buy this and feel better!" and (my favourite) "let's kill some more of your brain cells so buy more of this!" bullsh*t
8. Traveling to Israel (Dec/Jan): dancing until dawn in Jerusalem's only gay bar; floating in the Dead Sea; walking the stations of the cross; visiting the wailing wall at midnight; swimming with dolphins; and watching the sun rise over Jordan. 
9. Reading "Breaking the Cycle" and confronting the root cause of my addictions (Jan).
10. Finding sex fun, carefree, and explosive again. "You just hit my painting!" said the boyfriend.
11. Today, unlike #1, I am now a caring, honest, loyal, monogamous, hard-working, loving and porn-free man again.

I am weeping as I write this brothers! For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm at the beginning of something rather than just about to drive off a cliff. This quote is me:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." T.S. Eliot
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Leon on February 26, 2015, 06:26:40 AM
Congratulations, Lyon on reaching your goal. 120 days is exactly my humble little goal- but I'll probably keep my counter going.

A fascinating journey, so happy for you.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: avesraggiana on February 26, 2015, 09:34:56 AM
Man, if my Top Ten reads anything like yours at the end of my 120 days, I’ll be a very, very happy man. 

In listing your Top Ten, you gave us all a reminder to be grateful.  To practise gratitude for the smallest of successes, the dimmest glimmers of triumph- and we all know they’re there even during this dark journey.  We just have to pay attention.  Thank you.

You mentioned “shaking like a heroin addict”.  Withdrawing from porn addiction is like going cold turkey, isn’t it?  There’s definitely a physical component tied to the chemical component.  Slight non sequitur:  Believe it or not, breaking up and recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist is the same experience.  I haven’t felt any withdrawal symptoms from giving up porn, apart from Flatline, but I experienced the full range of symptoms when I freed myself from my narcissist ex-boyfriend. 

It was an excruciatingly difficult, physically almost unbearable time, as my brain scrabbled for purchase on the treacherous slope of needing to  reattach myself to him.  I learned for myself that the only thing worse than staying in an emotionally abusive relationship was leaving one for good.  The crying jags, the relentless, repetitive obsessive thinking, the tremours, the shakes, the driving need to contact him to ask to come back - and on and on and on.  It was terrible. Enduring the pain of all that was horrendous and I would never wish it on anyone.

It’s the reason why battered housewives and girlfriends stay with their abusers.  Because of the chemical addiction involved, just like in porn addiction, the pain of separating and withdrawing is too much to bear.

Fortunately for me, my abuse was NEVER physical. But in a small way I wish it had been. Because then, it would have become immediately obvious to me that the only course action was to leave.  Instead the abuse was all psychological and emotional.  So treacherous in its subtlety.  My ex-boyfriend was so good at figuring where my buttons were and he exploited that to the fullest.  The subterfuge, the manipulation.  All of it done so underhandedly that I did not realise what was going on and at the time, I started fully believing that all the problems in our relationship were my fault.  If I could just meet his every escalating demand, if I could just be the person he needed me to be, if I could just....blah, blah, blah.  The rules were ever changing, the standards ever rising.  Of course there was never any hope I’d meet any of them. 

In the end, I left that relationship because of a betrayal so horrendous and of such enormity that I never knew that a human being was capable of behaving in such a cruel manner.

I was one of the lucky ones.  I never went back. I left once and once only, and I managed to stay away.  Most victims of abuse return an average of seven times before finally, finally building up the strength to leave - or they end up getting killed.

Oh my gosh, lyon03, in typical narcissistic fashion, I’ve just hijacked your thread with MY story!  I know there was a point to it.  Oh, that’s right, how withdrawing from porn addiction is pretty much the same as withdrawing from emotional addiction.  It’s all chemical, it’s all in the brain, and we feel the symptoms of craving our addiction in our bodies.  Fortunately for all of us, if we can just endure the extreme physical discomfort of withdrawal, if we can just love ourselves enough to over-ride our self-destructive impulses, the withdrawal symptoms eventually disappear as the passage of time allows our brain and body to restore themselves to a normal and healthier chemical balance.

Enjoy the rest of your day.  I’m just beginning mine.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on February 26, 2015, 11:10:25 AM
No worries my friend. In fine "Spinal Tap" tradition, I increased my list to #11 just for you. I've just looked up irony in the dictionary and it reads: "Write an entire post about your narcissist former boyfriend but it's really about you, and on someone else's thread."  ;) Of course I jest brother.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: notgivinup on February 26, 2015, 11:47:59 AM
Congratulations, Lyon.

Wow.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Patrick on February 26, 2015, 01:19:23 PM
lyon03, I'm so happy for you, congratulations on 120 f*ing awesome days, wow!!! Well done! Thank you for being an inspiration and so lovingly taking care of all of us. I'm in awe. Much love. And...we can do it!
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Chile on February 26, 2015, 04:25:11 PM
You are a true trailblazer Lyon. Congratulations on the big one two zero.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: avesraggiana on February 27, 2015, 12:30:05 AM
RE:  Your response to my response.

Wow, Lyon3.  You are just wicked awesome!
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on February 27, 2015, 03:06:34 AM
Day 121 no PMO / 15 days Youtube Free: Thank you everyone for your kind messages of support. I could not have made it without you. I had another great work day yesterday and can feel the cyber-addiction ebbing. But learning from past mistakes, I'm not quite ready to run through the streets naked screaming "I'm the man!" like during previous 'pink cloud' highs. This time around, slow and steady wins the race. My previous modus operandi was to put the pedal to the metal so to speak. I would work flat out, succeed a bit, then take my foot off the accelerator, coast, and eventually stop. Like my reboot, I now realize success is about daily victories, not just bursts of activity. The next 5 days are going to be fun. Today I have a business/networking lunch; then dinner with my BF; overnight at his place; then we're off to the Alps for 4 days of skiing (Saturday-Tuesday). The wonderful thing about being Canadian is everywhere is a step up weather-wise. For example, skiing in my frozen native land is a bit like some survival scene from the movie "Alive". Whereas skiing in Europe is comparatively warm and there are great restaurants, on the mountain! So you're really eating and drinking with a bit of skiing between restaurants. It's heaven. While things are going relatively well for me now, I wanted to send a shout out to fellow rebooters like Jaystock and Poker who have either relapsed or are struggling. I'd also like to write I'm thinking of all the new members. While my counter reads 121 days, I too am always just a click and a wank away from zero. I tried for roughly three years to stop PMO, failing time and time again. What I think worked this time was dealing with the root cause of my addiction. So I am trying to remain both humble and thankful in early recovery. Thanks for reading everyone. I'll likely post less over the coming days but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you all. Be well nation! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on February 27, 2015, 03:37:22 AM
I just wrote this on R2G's thread and am re-posting it here:

"Thanks for sharing brother. You're still up and I'm just starting my workday here in Europe. Crazy. I wonder if porn hasn't warped our ideas of 'normal' sexuality. I think we all start our reboot with a d*ck obsession. "Will it work?" "I had a spontaneous boner!" "Morning wood was great." etc. Then we obsess about horniness, particularly during flatline. I think this is the wrong approach. Most of our days are asexually mundane and yet we seem to be chasing a porn paradigm. I read a wonderful thread that gave me pause. While I'm paraphrasing, the rebooter wrote something like:

"I have neither spontaneous erections nor morning wood but couldn't care less. My d*ck works just fine with my wife which is all that matters."

How true. We're all chasing a paradigm, constantly hard and horny, as if we're about to burst onto some porn set and perform. I think it's misguided. Don't get me wrong my friend. I am a very sexual person. But I now choose to express my sexuality with just one other man. Whether you choose men, women, groups, etc for your sex life makes no difference to me. But for years I yearned to be some freakish walking hard on ready to go at a moment's notice. That wasn't real life. That's not life today. That was a porn fantasy. Thanks for sharing because I learned something as I do everyday on this wonderful website. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION."
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: avesraggiana on February 27, 2015, 07:13:28 AM
Amen.  On the occasions that my dick has been pressed into action since rebooting, he’s worked just fine too.  In the end, that’s all that matters.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: WankFree on February 27, 2015, 10:40:56 PM
Hi Lyon03,

I really appreciate all your daily posts. They are encouraging and helps me to see that I will not always feel like a piece of crap and able to be in a relationship. Sorry to sound so Johnny rain cloud, it's been a tough day, but I am not going to give up!! I am also working on getting back into shape again and working with trainers, my legs are still sore from Wednesday's workout  :D. I look forward to reading more of your journal. As long as the alps are the only slippery slope you find yourself on, I think you will be ok, at least in terms of PMO.  :)
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: horpio on February 28, 2015, 02:24:25 AM
Hi Lyon. Checking in after a looong absence. Glad to see you're still an inspiration to the nation :-)
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Feetfirst on February 28, 2015, 05:08:11 AM
Hey Lyon, so inspiring to see your amazing progress! keep up the good work. FF
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Leon on February 28, 2015, 09:16:43 AM

How true. We're all chasing a paradigm, constantly hard and horny, as if we're about to burst onto some porn set and perform. I think it's misguided. Don't get me wrong my friend. I am a very sexual person. But I now choose to express my sexuality with just one other man. Whether you choose men, women, groups, etc for your sex life makes no difference to me. But for years I yearned to be some freakish walking hard on ready to go at a moment's notice. That wasn't real life. That's not life today. That was a porn fantasy. Thanks for sharing because I learned something as I do everyday on this wonderful website. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION."


I can relate to this. I used to challenge myself, when I'd find myself fixated on a lovely woman (beyond mere admiration, but more in an obsessively lustful way), "What am I supposed to do, go up to her right here in public, and make mad passionate love to her?" I did that to kind of 'shock' myself out of a fantasy driven mindset, with a little dose of reality.

Sometimes women themselves would do that for me, by their either quizzical or disgusted look, responding to my shameless leering. I'd be like, "Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be this pig-like entity anymore!" 
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 02, 2015, 12:37:44 AM
Day 124 PMO-free / Day 18 Youtube Free: Hey nation! Just a quick update from the (rainy) Alps where I'm skiing with my boyfriend. I don't really think about porn anymore and haven't watched Youtube in almost 3 weeks so I'm taming both my porn and cyber addictions. I jerked off a few weeks ago but that was so disappointing I haven't done it again since. So I feel I'm making progress.

My boyfriend and I arrived in the Alps on Saturday and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I've been staying at this particular inn for years and the owners know me only as a hetero (acting) husband and father. (For example, I recently stayed here over the Christmas holidays with my ex-wife and kids.) So this was in essence another 'coming out' because the owners didn't know I was gay. That is until my email 3 weeks ago explaining I planned to visit with a boyfriend. I really like the owners and didn't want to disappoint them which sounds a bit strange I know. Well yet again it was all in my head. It hasn't been an issue at all for them nor their guests. I mean zero. Nothing. Clearly it was more of an issue for me, or at least in my head, than it was for them. Life 1: fucked up brain 0.

There are so many things I love about being porn-free. I won't bore you with another list but I will write this: while a porn addict, I so lacked confidence in myself that I would do anything to make people like me. This often meant trying to please people who didn't deserve it. While an addict, I so hated myself I would constantly seek approval and yet quietly despise everyone. With this small episode, I made it clear to the owners I was gay; planned to visit with my boyfriend; and in a friendly way wrote that if this was an issue for them, I'd stay somewhere else. In the past, I would have showed up claiming this wonderful man was my cousin or some other rubbish. I would have then spent my entire stay in a lie. For me, living porn-free was more than just fighting an addiction. It was about rebooting my entire life. Living openly and honestly is now the only way. I wish I had learned this years ago but I can't change the past. 

I'm learning to like the person I've become. This is more than just being a gay man, that's just one part of me. It's more about living honestly, and having the confidence to accept who I am and thereby love and accept others. I can see that porn was just another nasty habit reinforcing my self-hatred. When I beat porn, I then surfed Youtube which also made me feel like sh*t. In the past, I would associate with people who made me feel like crap. Now I've cut these nasty people out of my life and simply don't associate with folks who bring me down. These are all such basic things but it's taken me a lifetime to learn them. I guess this is what freedom feels like. It's a wonderful feeling.

Now I'm going to head back to bed for another wonderful feeling, sleeping next to someone I love. And hopefully a little more...grrrr. Be well nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Poker on March 03, 2015, 12:01:26 AM
Great job my friend.....  :)
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 03, 2015, 01:26:10 AM
Thanks Poker! I'm thinking of you my friend. Day 125 PMO-free. Quick post my friends as we'll be heading down for breakfast then out for skiing. I'm kind of in 'pinch me' mode. The sun is shining here in the Alps and my sexy boyfriend is sleeping in the other room. Is this me? Just 125 days ago, I didn't think I deserved to be happy. Happiness for the recovering addict is a bit like watching a toddler take her first baby steps. It's a mixture of fear, happiness, discovery, and lots of falling down. Yesterday my BF casually mentioned getting engaged. I was like, "Wha!?" I honestly thought for a second, "Why would anyone want to be engaged to me?" That's my inner addict f*cking things up again. Porn is no longer part of my life but it was just a symptom of a greater sickness. There was a hole in my soul that I tried to fill with porn/sex/lies but am now learning to fill with love. I'm getting better but it isn't easy my friends. As you all know it's a daily struggle. That's why I keep coming back to this community to share, learn, and heal. So I'll sign off by thanking all of you for your constant love and support. Now I'm going to go back to bed and snuggle with someone I love. One day at a time. Be well nation! ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: savingmysoul on March 03, 2015, 12:42:17 PM
Grats on day 125 - that is amazing!

I knew you would get there, and I know you will continue on and on.

Isnt a P free life awesome?

SMS
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Jaystock on March 03, 2015, 06:06:01 PM
Thank you lyon, for the nice posts. You give me great  encouragement.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: horpio on March 03, 2015, 06:08:01 PM
For me, living porn-free was more than just fighting an addiction. It was about rebooting my entire life. Living openly and honestly is now the only way. I wish I had learned this years ago but I can't change the past.
I'm learning to like the person I've become.
Yeah man, truth spoken. Congrats on totally recalling your life. And I'm stoked to hear about the engagement talk
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 04, 2015, 03:24:02 AM
Day 126 PMO-free / 20 days Youtube-free: Thanks boys for your kind posts. Well back to reality as I'm at the office today after a great few days skiing in the Alps with my sexy boyfriend. GAY SEX ALERT. For everyone struggling with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, take heart. I last masturbated to porn on October 29, 2014. It was a pathetic scene. I remember my last PMO session like it was yesterday. And I think I remember it so clearly because I mentally knew it would be my last. Strange isn't it? Anyway, near the end of my addiction, nothing could get me hard. So I would death-grip masturbate with about a 15% erection. It would take so long for me to ejaculate I would get near-fainting head rushes because of the dopamine. And now today. I had sex with my boyfriend just a few days ago and it's night and day compared to PMO. Gone is the ED. In fact, I now get hard just talking to him over the phone so you can imagine the wood when all senses are firing (touch, sight, smell, sound). Gone too are the boner-killing phrases: "Am I going to stay hard?" and "When am I going to shoot?" As I've written before, sex after reboot is like an IMAX movie after 60s-era black and white TV. So whether gay or hetero my friends, if I can regain normal sexual function and meaningful intimacy after a 20-year porn habit and PIED, there is hope for all rebooters. Thanks for reading my friends. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.



Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 04, 2015, 03:50:08 AM
Holy sh*t! 9500+ views of my posts. I remember my first few posts thinking, "Is anyone reading this?" Thanks nation. This community has changed my life.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 05, 2015, 08:13:29 AM
Day 127 PMO-free / 21 days Youtube-free This will be a quickie my friends for two reasons: first I have to get back to work; and second I don't have that much to share today. Yesterday was a bit of a wash work-wise but I didn't dip my toe into Youtube. For the new readers, I came out in May 2012 and am currently divorcing from my ex-wife. In addition to my porn addiction, I also have a cyber addiction - mostly to Youtube. Both seem in check but just when you think you've tamed the beasts, your former in-laws come and f*ck it all up. I read somewhere that children of alcoholics tend to marry alcoholics to 'heal the past' so to speak. My ex-wife's father is an alcoholic and, worse still, everyone in the family denies it. My brother-in-law is also pretty much an *sshole. Now the in-laws want to stage a reconciliation dinner in June whereby I'll come back into the family fold. But I've decided I neither want nor need to be around these people. These men showed me nothing but anger while I was married to a family member, so I can only imagine what sort of welcome I'll get now that I'm divorcing and gay....SHE-BANG! While I appreciate the gesture which came from my former sister-in-law, angry people and toxic situations can be every bit as destructive as porn or drugs. So I don't want to expose myself to them again. So I'll politely decline the invitation. I've written myself into a decision. In other news, I'm also miffed at a former employee who I fired in September and, pre-firing, I loaned money to. (I know.) The second and final repayment (roughly $400) was due March 1st and, not surprisingly, she's skipped off to South America without even a word. I'm focusing with porn-like intensity on this situation which brings me nothing. I'm too angry to deal with it and the one-two punch of in-laws + the ex-employee are bringing me down. So I'll have to meditate to get over it. I'm very disappointed as it feels like being dragged down into the emotional muck again. But I feel a bit better now that I've written about it so thanks for reading everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Jimmy James on March 05, 2015, 08:55:57 AM
Lyon, I think you know that you need to forgive them for whatever they have done to you.  Any resentment you allow yourself to have will be unhealthy. Any unhealthy behavior can lead to other unhealthy behaviors.  But also realize the forgiveness does not mean you have to be best buds and that declining the invitation is completely acceptable.  If the opportunity presents itself, let them know you appreciate their offer and wish them well. (Wish Them Well is a great song by Rush that is fitting that you might want to check out.)

Peace.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Phase2 on March 05, 2015, 09:07:16 AM
Lyon, since I've started no PMO, I've noticed that I am much stronger about standing for what I want now and what's right for me. Before I was like some fawning milquetoast always trying to appease other people, helping them with their problems, putting them first. Now, I come first and I feel more like a MAN. I've shed a few people from my life who were negative energy and it feels great to be free.

It sounds like you do not want to be back in that 'family fold.' Bad mojo! So hell no, don't do it. Do what YOU want to do. They can kiss your butt. Onward and upward!
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 05, 2015, 11:03:34 AM
"Fawning milquetoast" and Rush...what more could a girl ask for! Thanks for your posts/advice boys. It helped a lot. Rather than stew in my own resentment, which has a certain fart-like smell, I went for a brisk walk. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Europe if not a little windy. That cleared my head. JJ you're right that I have to forgive as I was replaying bad family memories. I am not my mind. Phase2 you're also correct in that I always have the choice. I wasted too much time cowering in front of people who treated me like sh*t. These two episodes were sadly familiar. But still no desire to watch porn. Be well friends.




 
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: Dharmabum on March 05, 2015, 07:12:15 PM
Lyon,

You continue to inspire me with your wit and self-awareness.   Thanks for keeping me honest and being so forthright on your own posts.  It reminds me that nothing feels better than being honest with myself, my wife, and my life. 

Keep up the great work.  And don't let the bastards get you down.  ;-)
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: StevenT on March 05, 2015, 10:31:14 PM
Hey Lyon, It's really inspiring to hear about your new life and adventures with your boyfriend. It sounds like you had a great trip in the Alps and are enjoying life in a whole new way. Hopefully you can come to some resolution with the family drama. Stay strong!
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: notgivinup on March 05, 2015, 11:03:18 PM
Lyon...good job on staying away from the toxic family stuff. That's not always easy...but you recognize it, and you are staying away from it. I'm glad.

I'm sorry about the crummy situation with the loan. That kind of thing stinks. But, you know what happens when you hold on to it...it will make you miserable. Letting go and moving on will free you.

You chose to get up and go out and walk....sounds like a wise decision.

Getting through the junk of life without pmo is making us all stronger. You seem to be leading the way....thank you.

I did envy your skiing trip in the Alps. I learned to ski in the Rockies....Colorado...nothing like it. I just wish I could get there more often. I love to ski.

Thanks for your honest posts. You are an encouragement to me and others here.

Thanks.

porn is NOT an option.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: ready2go on March 06, 2015, 02:16:37 AM
The trips to the mountains sound great.  My wife and I used to do that, but at some point several years ago she informed me that she decided she is not a mountain goat and wouldn't be going again.  Well, ok.  There are dudes to go with.  Being with my wife would be more fun, but a man's got to do what a man's got to do, right?

Those ex family members remind me of my former employer who has continued to extend my employment far past my date of resignation.  First a month, then two, then three.  Then we'll keep your email box open. 

FUCK NO.  LET ME GO.  I'M GONE!!  If you wanted me there so badly you'd have treated me like the professional I am, not as a second rate flunkie.  Anyhow, no, please shut down the email and do it yesterday if you can. 

Same with those relatives.  So long, good bye, and good luck!  I forgive you, now get out.  Of course there is your former wife who has to deal with those people, but she has done it a long time.  She can handle it.  You've moved on. 

Sounds like you're doing well for yourself, so keep on going!
R2G
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: lyon03 on March 06, 2015, 03:11:17 AM
Day 128 PMO-free / Day 22 Youtube Free: Wow boys thanks! Just when I thought no one was reading my posts anymore, BAM, there is an outpouring of love and support. I really appreciate it. The past 2 days were all in my head. My triggers are lack of sleep, drinking, anger and isolation...all 4 were pushed this week. I slept badly while on holiday because sleeping with my boyfriend turns me on too much. I drank too much at the delectable dinners because I was on holiday and didn't have to drive anywhere. I got angry because the ex-in-laws and former employee who owes me money got into my head. And post-holiday it's back to work and all by myself in my huge (and yet fabulous) apartment. TRIGGER ALERT. I didn't think about porn really but last night I was yearning for a sex fix. I came close to calling a f*ck buddy for a hook up but resisted. For all the straight men reading this, FBs are quite common in the gay community where sex is both easy and ubiquitous. This guy is more into the S&M scene and the last time I hooked up with him in August 2013 he tied me to a chair and worked me to orgasm. Not exactly the marrying type. I've since deleted him from my phone and can now laugh it off. I used some techniques I learned from "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. If you're struggling with inner demons, you should read it. Now I'm like: "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Anyhow today I'm more rested, calm, and centred but will still call my 12-step sponsor to recount the above. Accountability is key I've learned. If I feel any urges I'll post here or reach out to some of you via private message. Time to move on my friends. Have a great and porn-free day nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 4 months PMO free!
Post by: avesraggiana on March 06, 2015, 10:19:20 AM
Hi, Lyon03.

I’m a little late to the party.  About the money your former employee owes you:  take her to the European equivalent of “Small Claims Court” - that’ll be a lovely surprise for her when she gets back from her holiday in South America.  Or do nothing at all, write it off as an unintended gift, and forget about it.  I’ve always made it my policy when loaning money to friends and family to first determine for myself if the money I’m loaning them is money I can do without.  I also mentally prepare myself for the real possibility of a friendship ending because of money.

Good for you for staying away from your former family, and from porn. And thank you for clarifying yet again for our straight brethren just how common hookups and FBs are in the gay world. 

*Once again, in my saucer-eyed, squealing, breathy, brainless, blonde, bimbo, stupid-chick-voice* - "Whaaaaat?!?!  No dinner, no movie?!?!"
Title: 10,000+ Views. Thanks Reboot Nation!
Post by: lyon03 on March 06, 2015, 01:33:32 PM
I started this thread on November 21st, 2014. How could I know that sharing my little life here and exchanging messages of encouragement with others would forever change me. Reboot for the 40+ crowd isn't just about porn addiction, it's about rebooting our lives...and perhaps even our souls. This website marks the first time in my life I have never lied...not once. Thanks to this community I have learned an honesty, humility, and compassion that I never thought possible. And every day I learn from the brave men and women who share their struggles here. Porn would have killed me and by killing me would have robbed my three children of a father. RN not only helped me live porn-free, it taught me to love again: love myself; love my family; love others; and love life. I am eternally grateful. Thank you!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: horpio on March 06, 2015, 10:06:06 PM
Wow! That post about your FB had me sitting up straight. Thanks for your honesty and for saying things like they are.
About the 10,000 mark, you're hitting out the lights here brother  ;D
I'm so happy for you that you put your life on a new path. The best is yet to come my friend.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Leon on March 06, 2015, 11:49:29 PM
Congratulations on the 10k views of your profile, Lyon.

I appreciate your honesty, as it helps one to open up in ways maybe not even entertained before.

Feeling like others aren't reading our posts / journals is something that I've been mistakenly bothered about before, too. Then, just when I'm feeling somewhat dejected, folk would come out in wonderful support, having been there (somewhere) all along.

Glad you're here, reclaiming your life, and fighting for your freedom.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 07, 2015, 02:47:34 AM
Day 130 no-PMO / Day 23 no Youtube: Thanks Leon and Horpio for your kind posts. Beautiful, sunny morning here in Europe and I've just woken up. I'm going to post here and then get on with my day which will be busy. I'm a bit groggy as I watched a movie late on my tablet before bed, but I feel I'm out of the worst of my funk. Work was a struggle this week as I bounced around the internet, but thankfully still no Youtube. I now see the pattern: a high (4 days of skiing in the Alps with my boyfriend) followed by a low (4 days of staring blankly at my computer screen). I was tempted to hook up with a former f*ck buddy but didn't do it. But this was the most vulnerable I've felt in about 2 months. I found little solace at the gym, particularly yesterday. I did arms yesterday to work myself out of this recent funk and it was trigger city. My favourite sexy gym bunny was there, the one with the *ss you could bounce quarters off of. Warmer days here in Europe so he was wearing a wife beater which showed off his upper body a little too nicely. I then fled to the treadmills only to be treated to a muscle parade of the top 5 boys I lust after. So all 6 crushes are now at the gym and of course I'm mentally seeing them in some sort of orgy. So I hit the showers only to be treated to two 20-something muscle Gods heading to their showers. It was unsettling but I now find it kind of funny. The universe was tempting me yesterday! There were some other issues this week:

1. My former in-laws creeping back into my head because we'll all meet again at my son's confirmation in June. Things are particularly tense with my former brother-in-law who is apparently very angry with me.
2. A former employee skipping town when she owes me money.

On Wednesday I mailed a letter to my former brother-in-law (I'm divorcing) to apologize for cheating on his sister and for lying about my sexuality. I'll probably meet him in the near future to gain some closure. I believe taking initiative and being proactive are a key part of my recovery. The former employee sent me the 'oops I forgot' email...from a beach in Uruguay! I've since forgiven her, mentally written off the $400 she owes me, and moved on. Focusing on it only made me more angry. So I've re-sent her my bank details and asked for a firm repayment date. Still waiting for a reply and don't expect to get one.

Enough looking back! Today I'm taking my youngest (6) to his soccer game, then gym (hopefully without the porn-body-boys), then food shopping, then my daughter and niece (also my Goddaughter) are sleeping over tonight and will help prep a lunch for my ex-wife, kids, and my ex-sister-in-law tomorrow (Sunday). There will be 9 of us and we all know how gays love to set a pretty table!

So I'm feeling better, but a bit shaky in a post-flu-like way. Thanks so much for your love and support my friends. I couldn't have made it through this blip without you. FINE CHINA IS AN OPTION!



Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Leon on March 07, 2015, 09:40:02 AM
Great job, Lyon- on saying No to the FB! (I've encountered that term and concept when I visited various sites back in the day).

Excellent on identifying the underlying issues behind a drive and attraction to your gym cohorts. That's usually what I'll do, if I'm like overly 'woman-conscious' as I call it. I'll ask myself, 'Why?' -What happened, or is happening (internally or externally) that I'm leaning toward that so heavily? I'll do this, also, if I catch myself fantasizing in the day- Okay, why am I wanting to 'escape' into fantasy-land? What am I trying to self-medicate from? Then, once identified, I'll try to either face it, re-frame it, or else detach from false expectancy or unrealistic fears.

Have a great day / evening!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 07, 2015, 04:35:47 PM
Goodnight nation. Bedtime here in Europe. My niece and daughter are sleeping over at my place tonight. My daughter just handed me a picture. It's of a big red heart and reads: "Here is a big heart. Just like yours." Life is good.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: avesraggiana on March 07, 2015, 08:21:40 PM
Goodnight nation. Bedtime here in Europe. My niece and daughter are sleeping over at my place tonight. My daughter just handed me a picture. It's of a big red heart and reads: "Here is a big heart. Just like yours." Life is good.

LIKE!  LIKE! LIKE!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 08, 2015, 04:31:02 PM
Day 130 PMO-free. Today I was sitting at the lunch table with my ex-wife, her sister, and 6 kids thinking, "Wha!?" It'll be three years ago in May that I blew up my ex-wife's life with three simple words: "I am gay." That was when my real reboot started I think. I recently posted on another member's thread that relationships built on a muddy foundation of lies are destined to collapse - as did my marriage. Now I'm rebuilding my life on the hardest and most solid foundation: truth. It's f*cking hard work but I'm making progress my friends. And today laughing around a table felt like a victory. Be well my friends.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: horpio on March 08, 2015, 06:24:57 PM
 :) :) :) rejoicing with you.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Chile on March 08, 2015, 06:50:43 PM
To make a move towards truth you also had to embrace it in your heart. Congratulations Lyon. I'm still struggling a bit in that area.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: jkkk on March 08, 2015, 06:51:48 PM
Day 130 PMO-free. Today I was sitting at the lunch table with my ex-wife, her sister, and 6 kids thinking, "Wha!?" It'll be three years ago in May that I blew up my ex-wife's life with three simple words: "I am gay." That was when my real reboot started I think. I recently posted on another member's thread that relationships built on a muddy foundation of lies are destined to collapse - as did my marriage. Now I'm rebuilding my life on the hardest and most solid foundation: truth. It's f*cking hard work but I'm making progress my friends. And today laughing around a table felt like a victory. Be well my friends.

So true. Keep it up, lyon :)
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 09, 2015, 02:41:35 AM
Day 131 PMO-free: Good morning from sunny Europe where it's supposed to be 16C today (61F). After my post last night, I had a chat with my dad. My father is coming here in about 10 days for a father/son ski trip. (I live very close to the Alps so it's about a 2 hour drive to the slopes which is why I ski so often.) My dad is now 71 and like many men of his generation, is a bit awkward talking about feelings. But he said he was very proud of me for how I was handling my divorce, running my own business, and he choked up when discussing my thoughts of suicide back in December 2013. He kept repeating how much he loved me which warmed my heart. What a great father. His son is gay, probably the biggest nightmare for a man of his age, and yet he's so cool with it. How times have changed. Before I was all about my secrets & lies and now I'm gaining strength in the truth. I thought to myself: how wonderful to no longer live in fear all the time. How wonderful to just chat on the phone without using 70% of my brain power managing lies, deceptions, and porn.  How wonderful to live my life truthfully and honestly. I'm working through a 12-step program for porn addicts and absolutely love this step:

"Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

In the past, when I was wrong I had three reactions: 1. Lie; 2. Blame; 3. Rationalize. Being in the wrong is a daily occurrence but unless you admit it, either to the wronged person or yourself, it tends to grow in you. I can see that last week I lived step 10 when writing to my angry former brother-in-law. Last week I almost called a former f*ck buddy for a random hook up because I was feeling down. I felt guilty and was trying to escape through sex. Today things are clearer. Of course my former brother-in-law is angry with me! I cheated on his sister (with men) and lied to both his sister and his family. He's very right to be angry. I was wrong. So I wrote him a simple letter apologizing. That's a very freeing experience.

Like a toddler, I'm learning to walk in the truth again. There are trips, falls, bumps, and scrapes but I'm learning. Every day I have two choices: run from the truth or embrace it. My first reaction was the addict's reaction: anger, resentment, blame. But then the better me took over: honesty, humility; asking for forgiveness. It was spiritual awakening of sorts.

Thanks for reading my friends. Time to get back to work. SECRETS/LIES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Leon on March 09, 2015, 11:43:11 AM
Excellent post, Lyon. And important principles which you certainly exemplify.

Keep it up.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 09, 2015, 04:04:11 PM
Just about to sign off for the day my friends. Tough day today:

1. I was reviewing sales figures with an employee and got a nice swift kick to the b*lls. Sales for a particular line are down 30% from last year when I thought all was fine. Guess who is responsible for this particular line: me! My company, my problem. But talk about a wake up call.

2. After yesterday's lunch at my place and the apartment full of playing, screaming, laughing kids, it felt mighty empty today.

3. Boyfriend in the London (UK) returning tonight and missing him a lot.

This continues my habit of highs and lows. I felt sorry for myself most of the day but have since rallied. Still no porn as it's no longer an option. Just as I've written to others who have relapsed: stop feeling guilty/sorry for yourself; learn from it; determine what you're going to do differently; and move on. Sales are down because I wasn't working hard enough...period. Yes I could have fought on with my ex-wife, but that life almost killed me. Will see the BF soon enough. I'm craving sex right now, not intimacy. Reboot is a neverending process my friends. So I live to fight again tomorrow, even with sore b*lls. Be well nation and thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

PS - Now I'm off to bed. I banged off a few hours of productive work and feel like I'm back in beast mode. So my highs and lows are getting shorter and closer together. Feeling better as I shut 'er down for the day. Thanks for reading everyone.
Title: MEA CULPA
Post by: lyon03 on March 10, 2015, 01:55:18 AM
Day 132 PMO free / Day 1 Since I MOd Mea culpa nation. Yesterday I fapped but not to P. I know why I didn't post about it yesterday because I know I have both a porn and masturbation addiction. So this isn't a PMO relapse, but I've created a MO counter (see below) and have set it to day 1. This replaces my former cyber addiction counter because it's more important than watching cat videos on Youtube (which I've largely kicked). My new goal is 90 days no MO. The M worries me, but what worries me more is how I acted. It wasn't just a 1 off like I did a few weeks ago and felt guilty about it. It was an epic 3-in-a-row load blower like back in the depths of my P addiction. Once would have been borderline, twice is over the line, and thrice (in one morning) is my inner addict taking over. I then chose not to post about it (lying), rationalized 'it's not so bad', and then let it squirrel around in my head all day. This is all too familiar territory. So I've written to my sponsor for my 12-step programme telling him, have a call with him this afternoon, and have since added a MO counter below with a specific goal. I've often written about 'lite beer' syndrome whereby alcoholics switch to lite beer and call it a victory. Well colour me a hypocrite my friends. I know: masturbation for me is a compulsive behaviour which I cannot control and yesterday it was clearly out of a control. So this is an apology to the nation as I don't want to get back into the bad habits of lying, concealing, rationalizing. In business news, yesterday I was reeling at the lack of sales for one of our lines. I'm reeling because this line is 100% my responsibility and 100% my fault. Perhaps the MO was in anticipation of the bad news. Actually I'm going to write the MO was because I knew the bad news was coming but didn't want to deal with it. But I've moved from reaction to pro-action. I feel both focused and centred today. I'm setting a new (realistic) sales target, will have a conference call with my team today to lay it on the line, and will in essence get off my *ss and change things. I'm shaky but trying very hard to keep going. So yesterday was a two-punch knock out, but I'm getting up and back into the ring my friends. But I'd prefer to box a 12-year-old weakling rather than the 300-pound guerilla that is my addiction. As DB writes, "Onward!" MO IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Jimmy James on March 10, 2015, 05:36:28 AM
Lyon, save your orgasms for your BF.  Treat them like they belong to him, not you. Quit stealing his orgasms.  At least that is the attitude I have about mine and they belong to my wife.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Gay Gladiator on March 10, 2015, 07:26:24 AM
Lyon--Sorry to hear about the relapse, but good to be honest, especially about the epic parts of it, including the three-in-a-row, and direct connection to stress and anxiety, and not just yearning for emotional closeness with someone. Not being a scold here--we're all on our own journeys--but I would approach this (I hope) differently, when or if I relapse. The PMO goal has led me to create my own standards for what each of those letters mean. No P means...no intentional search for high-speed porn, as well as companion searches on things like Facebook, manhunt, or photos from the past on my secret email account (which I've deleted, to avoid looking at images my k9 blocker couldn't filter). No M means, "I don't touch myself with my hands ever again"...either alone, or with another partner. No O means to me...none at all, ever, without hands-free encounter with an intimate partner or as result of spontaneous wet dream. Deciding this in advance as my own rules, helps me to stay true to my decision and my commitment to the rewire. Crossing the line on any one of them would bring my entire PMO counter back to zero...not as a sign of failure, but as a token of humility and re-commitment to what I know are my essential steps toward the rewire.

In short...it's one thing to have a separate YouTube counter, or something extraneous like a no-smoking counter. But a separate MO counter? That's two-thirds PMO, and to me...from the circumstances you described...if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...it's a duck. Or in this case, PMO.

Dude, I love you. But back to zero is a great place to be. Humility brings honesty, and to me, is the only way to make a long-term change.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 10, 2015, 08:34:55 AM
Thanks for sharing and caring brother. I respect you, I respect what you've written, I LOVE that you challenged me, because it forces me to be honest and accountable. I'm not considering this a relapse for one simple reason: no P. I didn't watch porn and that for me is still progress. Even in the epic whack-a-thon that was my three-shot masturbation session yesterday morning, I wasn't in front of a screen. But I'm not discounting what you wrote. MO is 2/3rds of my problem and absolutely a compulsion with me. You are correct on that point. That's why I've created a separate counter to remain honest and accountable. You're doing hard mode (no PMO) which I respect. I did the same thing for 100+ days but I'm human. Yesterday I had a raging hard on, it was the morning, and I rubbed one out...then two, then three. (PIED is no longer a problem.) I can't say I know the line between rationalizing and being logical my friend. That's a very big question that only time will resolve. I've now spoken with my 12-step sponsor and another sobriety partner. Both said this wasn't a relapse and I'll open it up to the nation as to their thoughts. Please share and don't spare me the tough medicine my friends. I'm strong enough to take it. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Chile on March 10, 2015, 09:01:50 AM
Honesty is always the best policy and it took a lot of guts to share this. You will continue to be victorious and learn from every experience. Peace Lyon!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: notgivinup on March 10, 2015, 10:15:50 AM
Lyon....you are awesome.

I appreciate your honesty. "Appreciate" is a lame word for what I really mean....what I mean is, you are inspiring. You are not staying hidden away in lying and deceit, and rationalizing....you are just coming out with it. Thank you.

onward from here.

thanks.
porn is NOT an option.
Title: Re: MEA CULPA
Post by: Leon on March 10, 2015, 10:27:22 AM
So I've written to my sponsor for my 12-step programme telling him, have a call with him this afternoon, and have since added a MO counter below with a specific goal. I've often written about 'lite beer' syndrome whereby alcoholics switch to lite beer and call it a victory. Well colour me a hypocrite my friends. [??] I know: masturbation for me is a compulsive behaviour which I cannot control and yesterday it was clearly out of a control. So this is an apology to the nation as I don't want to get back into the bad habits of lying, concealing, rationalizing. In business news, yesterday I was reeling at the lack of sales for one of our lines. I'm reeling because this line is 100% my responsibility and 100% my fault. Perhaps the MO was in anticipation of the bad news. Actually I'm going to write the MO was because I knew the bad news was coming but didn't want to deal with it. 

The last thing I'd color you as right now, brother, is a hypocrite. You're being honest, transparent, facing up to what you did- and that publicly is a very brave and strong thing to do. It takes a man to admit his faults in such a forthright manner as you have here, as well as with your 12-Step sponsor.

Congratulations on recognizing the source of your stress and anxiety surrounding the particular line you were responsible for, which wasn't yielding fruit. It's great that you can make the connection- but now the challenge of course will be to learn from this, and to deal with such disappointments (especially in one's self) without escapist actions like auto-erotic behavior. This will take whatever methods that work for you, or have been working for you. Deep breathing exercises, prayer, or just sitting with the problem, facing it- giving it the finger ('flipping it off' as we say in America). Above all- forgiving yourself. Having taken responsibility is one thing- now forgive yourself: for the loss of sales? Yes. But especially for letting yourself down (more importantly than the Nation) concerning working it out through a false coping technique.

I agree with your second counter, and that you did not PMO. I'm sorry for your struggles with that, I know exactly how you're feeling afterwards. Sure, they're both (the MO and the PMO) related to the same underlying issues by which we've developed these false coping mechanisms, but having two separate (yet concurrent) goals is certainly helpful. Having two has a dialectic effect, meaning that being successful in one area will help in the other area. Just as masturbation could increase our risk for other addictive behaviors, so too, can having victory in that area help us in saying, No, to the other behaviors we never wish to go back to.

Now that you know such news can affect you in such an averse way, you can now have a plan in place where in any future anticipation of a negative trend or event in your business, you can be better prepared to handle it. Some things I've read suggest having an emergency pack ready, having- for example- emergency contact numbers (for sponsors, AP's, etc), a list of reasons to not engage in the addictive behavior, or whatever will help you in an emergency. But, you will know what can help you best if faced with that kind of news again.

Commendable that you reset your counter- or created a second one for this more important issue, and for being so honest.

I believe in you, Lyon- that you can do this, and make the necessary change that will bring about happiness and success in your life. You're not alone in facing down that ugly over weight gorilla!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: chris73 on March 10, 2015, 12:12:10 PM
So we both MO`d in the same day, Lyon? :p

I think there`s no reason whatsoever to feel bad about it, as long as we continue sticking to our reboot, without compromising our commitment to overcome our addiction.

I only think, well, maybe in 101 days from now i may MO again if i feel like, as long as P or fantasy arent involved. Preferably, may it be a sexual act with a loving partner, a real person, but if not, may it only be therapeutic and enjoyable, as I described in my previous post.

You`ve been doing great, despite the ups and downs of life. My best wishes to you, brother!!
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: lyon03 on March 10, 2015, 12:24:59 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind messages. I use Facebook to promote my businesses and someone sent me a post about a 4-year-old girl suffering from terminal brain cancer. That certainly put my hat-trick-blasts yesterday into perspective. So to end the work day on a positive note, I'm going to take a cue from Chiefmitch and share four things I'm thankful for:

1. My kids: I prepared lunch for my kids today at my ex-wife's house. I paused and thought to myself, "I'm cooking lunch for my kids today at my ex-wife's house." Unlike the poor 4-year-old I saw on Facebook, my kids are happy and healthy. I'm also very lucky to get along so well with my ex-wife.

2. Support: Every time I've stumbled, I could always count on the love and support of this community. I also have a great sponsor and a sobriety partner. For years I fought this addiction alone so it gives me great strength and comfort to be marching through recovery alongside so many wonderful people.

3. My business: While there has been a dip in sales/revenues recently because I've been so focused on personal issues, I have an amazing business that takes me across Europe and often overseas. After years of struggle to build it up, my business now gives me financial freedom while also giving me the flexibility to set my own hours. If I had to write an advert for my dream job, it would be what I'm doing right now. I can't take that for granted.

4. My sobriety: There was a pothole yesterday, but I'm proud of being porn-free for 130+ days. I was a slave to pornography for so many years it actually rewired my brain. Every day I go without porn is a victory. I can't forget that.

Thanks again for your love and support nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: Leon on March 10, 2015, 03:15:38 PM
...but I'm proud of being porn-free for 130+ days. I was a slave to pornography for so many years it actually rewired my brain. Every day I go without porn is a victory. I can't forget that.

A victory, indeed. So proud of you for kicking that to the curb as long as you have so far. It's really commendable to see you porn-free, even in spite of your other issues or trials of late.

Keep up the great work, lyon. 
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: avesraggiana on March 10, 2015, 11:20:01 PM
Hi, lyon3.

I rubbed one out too, a few days ago.  But just like you, I DID NOT use porn.  I fantasized instead about having sex with real life former and current partners.  It felt good!  Really good!

The curious thing is, I've not had the desire to do it again.  It seems like my MO, as in Modus Operandi now, is to seek out real life sexual encounters with real people, and save up my orgasms for then. 

My response to stress lately has been to pray and meditate.  My response to sexual urges is to seek out sex with known sexual partners, and failing that, booking an appointment with a masseur. 

You're definitely not rationalising or being a hypocrite.  Your total honesty is truly inspiring, and very endearing.

Keep up your great work!
Title: Life is beautiful...but bumpy!
Post by: lyon03 on March 11, 2015, 02:00:00 AM
Day 133 no PMO / Day 2 no MO: Thanks for your kind posts everyone and good morning from sunny Europe. The last three days have been challenging. I had an epic ‘hat trick’ wank session Monday morning, but not to porn thank God. The first wank was just normal horniness, whereas during the second and third I edged and felt familiar and very dangerous dopamine rushes. I’ve forgiven myself for this stumble, have accepted this is a bump rather than relapse, and am ready to move on. Thankfully I've had no chaser effect nor desire to masturbate again. But I’ve learned a few things which I’m more than happy to share. A list! 

1. I can’t fight addiction when in the heat of addictive behaviour.

During my first month of reboot, reading “Your Brain on Porn” by Gary Wilson truly saved me. Reading that I may experience ‘the shakes’ during withdrawal gave me a certain emotional distance when I woke up nights with shaky arms and legs. Likewise, I have to accept that rational thought is impossible when I’m acting out addictive behaviours. Let’s look at that a different way. It’s simply too late for me to reflect on alcoholism when I’m already drunk. I acted out (masturbation) Monday morning and then spent the next 48 hours reeling from the experience. I couldn’t work, my emotions were all over the map, and concentration was shot. I’m now better but accept that I have to better combat my urges before acting on them.   

2. My brain has a pattern

The brain is both primitive (sexual desire) and yet logical (higher thinking). Reboot lies somewhere between the two I reckon. During withdrawal, it helped to read that I may experience the shakes before it actually happened. When I woke up at night legs shaking (primitive), I was at first terrified but quickly calmed down because I was prepared (logical). Looking at my many posts here, I can now see a distinct pattern of highs and lows. It is during these lows that I’m most vulnerable to small bouts of depression or, worse still, addictive behaviours. Looking at my Monday wank session (a low), I can see it was preceded by two very distinct highs: skiing/sex with my boyfriend the week before followed by a family lunch at my apartment Sunday afternoon. I now understand that for me, a potential relapse starts during the ‘climb every mountain’ highs I’m experiencing. So I need to be mindfully proactive in breaking the cycle. 

3. Setting Goals (or Goalposts)

I have ended countless posts with, “PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.” But I rarely wrote, “PMO IS NOT AN OPTION” or “MASTURBATION IS NOT AN OPTION.” As my friend the Gay Gladiator rightly pointed out, in my mind I was probably keeping masturbation hidden on a laundry room shelf just like a ‘rainy day bottle’ for a recovering alcoholic. I’ve started a 90-day counter and am now very clear that masturbation is also not an option. What will I do after that? I’m not sure. I am currently in a long-term relationship but this is also a long-distance relationship. So sex is not readily available. I have a stronger sex drive than my boyfriend but do not want an open relationship as I also have a sex addiction (I’m the whole package my friends). After 90 days, I’ll have to determine whether I can masturbate from time to time without it becoming another addiction. For the moment, I just don’t know. But I do know I can go 90 days without it as I’ve done this before.

4. Avoiding the Pink Cloud

As in life, I wanted reboot to be cruise-control easy. As I recently learned, long-term recovery is a daily struggle and yet I have a habit of prematurely declaring ‘victory’. Alcoholics Anonymous refers to the ‘pink cloud’ or short-term euphoria we feel when living addiction free for the first time. Similarly, I thought that living a few short months porn-free meant vanquishing lifelong addictions when I still have a very long way to go. I have to be more pro-active in my recovery and that means working harder towards a soft landing after situations when I’m too high on life. For example, I’m going to see my boyfriend this Saturday and have dinner with friends. Alcohol, lack of sleep, and sexual stimulation are all triggers for me. So being proactive I’m going to limit myself to 2 glasses Saturday night, sleep in Sunday morning, and then talk to my sponsor that afternoon. Abstinence Sunday morning is not on the table! But assuming Saturday will be a high, I have to be ready for the low to avoid a potential relapse Monday.

Thanks for reading nation. I feel much better having thought about and written the above. I look forward to your comments/suggestions. Be well my friends. P-M-O IS NOT LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 10,000+ Views. Thanks RN!
Post by: StevenT on March 11, 2015, 07:05:09 AM
Thanks for sharing your struggles and lessons learned, Lyon. You have great insight into this addiction. We are all learning from your story. Be well!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Patrick on March 11, 2015, 11:31:04 AM
lyon03, I'm always touched by your posts, especially now that I had 2 relapses in a row. Thank you for sharing so openly, it gives me hope and strength. I can't do this alone. Isolation is a trigger for me. I've written it many times: As long as I want to PMO, I will do it. Question now is: Why do I want to PMO? I don't know, and I hope to come to where avesraggiana is: Not wanting, not being interested. My father was an alcoholic, and I understand him so well now. The high of the rush is unbeatable. Somebody said that dope highs are like french kisses with God. Very well said. So that's one thing that makes it so hard for me to quit: I can't see that there are other options to have that feeling. I only know PMO. Gnnn!!! What I do know is that I want to stop. That's good. Be well, Nation.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Chile on March 11, 2015, 09:20:04 PM
Thank you for continuing to write Lyon! You are a pillar in the community and nothing can change that. Patrick, great job in getting back up right away!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Leon on March 11, 2015, 09:25:23 PM
I like the new name of your journal, Lyon- "Life is Beautiful".
Title: Re: Life is beautiful...but bumpy!
Post by: lyon03 on March 12, 2015, 01:20:53 AM
Day 134 No PMO / Day 3 No MO: Morning everyone from Europe. This will be a brief post as I have to get back to work. It feels like I'm back on track mentally, although working/concentration is still a bit of a struggle. While I'm off Youtube, yet another addiction, and haven't been on it for 28 days, I still find myself darting around the internet from time to time. As in life, I was always looking for the reboot equivalent of a homerun. This means I simply want to swing, hit, and score. I've now accepted that reboot is more like a long and arduous uphill bike ride...that never ends! If I stop pedaling, I'll eventually start rolling backwards towards 'addiction valley'. Yesterday evening I babysat my kids as my wife had an appointment. They are all adjusting well to the separation...to a point I was almost disappointed and hostile. Thinking back to my post yesterday, I can now identify another thing I do subconsciously. I sabotage situations when I'm not at the centre of things. Put bluntly, in my mind only I can experience life's 'highs' and I try to kill everyone else's happiness. This is a very common trait with addicts like me. So I simply chose to act differently last night. When driving home, I thought of a few things I'm grateful for which I'll share here:

1. Putting my son to bed: There is nothing better than story time with a 6 year old. Reading a book to your son in his racecar bed while he hugs you in Spiderman pyjamas is heaven.

2. Dealing with sh*t I didn't want to handle at work: I have a nasty habit of putting off difficult decisions or avoiding tense situations. This is part of my 'run and hide' modus operandi from my worst days of addiction. Yesterday I bit the bullet and handled three things I was putting off. Last week I posted about a former employee skipping off to South American when she owed me money. After roughly 20 emails and a few lies, I was repaid today so now I can stop obsessing about her....but what an ungrateful b*tch! Guess I'm not 100% over it!

3. Love: At the beginning of my relationship 2.5 years ago, I was the mental equivalent of a 12-year-old-girl. I was obsessed with this guy. I would wait by the phone for his calls/texts, then would call/text him incessantly, and when I received a message I'd think things like, "He didn't use an exclamation point like he normally does." Pathetic doesn't even start to describe it. How things have changed. Now I'm more secure thank God. We still chat 2-3 times a day but it's so relaxed and natural now. I'm going to see him Saturday and normally would be counting the minutes (building yet another 'pink cloud' high) but I think my mindset is changing for the better. Last night I said to him, 'See you in four days' and he corrected me, 'It's THREE days.' Ooops. I was proud I hadn't marked it on my calendar like some teenaged fangirl. I was also thinking yesterday that while I love this man very much, it wouldn't kill me if the relationship ended. So perhaps I'm learning to experience love normally, rather than through the addict's playbook of intense highs followed by the darkest lows. So this too is a small victory.

My short post has now become a novella my friends. Thanks for reading. While I'm clearly in a more philosophical phase, I want to send a shout out to all of the rebooters going through withdrawal. I've read some recent posts of brothers experiencing the shakes, headaches, flatline, etc. It does get better my friends so keep fighting. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: avesraggiana on March 12, 2015, 02:03:17 AM
I would pay money to hear you SQUEAL!!!! Like a real teenage fangiirl!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: ready2go on March 12, 2015, 02:38:38 AM
Me too.  I'd like to know how to actually change the name of the journal.  I was looking around and couldn't figure that out.  :)
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: StevenT on March 12, 2015, 06:35:30 AM
Awesome post, Lyon! You have a gift for seeing what's most important in this journey and sharing it with others. I can relate to your points on avoiding difficult issues and obsessing about people. Sounds just like me! Great to hear that you are making progress and feeling a sense of calm.
Take Care
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Chile on March 12, 2015, 11:31:43 AM
Funny stuff Lyon, tender and helpful too. You've got a best selling book inside of you.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 12, 2015, 04:10:36 PM
Thanks for your kind posts brothers. Just about to shut things down here in Europe and thought I'd post an update. Learning from past mistakes:

1. Success takes consistent, daily effort
2. No more declaring premature victory
3. No whites after labour day (still reading?)
4. Avoid the 'pink cloud' highs and ensuing lows

I can confidently write that today was a good solid step on my career reboot...and perhaps my greater life reboot. I set clear goals, carefully planned my day, and was working well. When I was getting the cyber twitch, or the urge to surf aimlessly around the internet, I went for a walk. I live in this beautiful little market town next to a river and small lake. So rather than waste away in front of a screen, I walked outside in the dazzling spring sunshine. I even pushed an elderly woman into the water! (Of course I didn't.) This may sound crazy friends but as I rounded a bend, I heard distant church bells ringing the hour and felt like all of you were walking with me. It was like some no-fap version of Easy Company from WWII. It made me realize that reboot wouldn't have been possible without all of you. So I'll end by simply writing: thank you. Dinner, reading, bed for me. Goodnight nation. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 13, 2015, 02:52:02 AM
Day 135 no PMO / day 4 no MO: Good morning from sunny Europe. Today is Friday the 13th. Ominous overtones. Today my eldest son also turns 13. I now have a teenaged son. Egads when did that happen? So it's time to start talking about sex and pornography lest he fall into his father's bad habits. But I'll save that for another day. We'll be having lunch together at my favourite restaurant...so we both get presents!

TRIGGER ALERT. WHAT FOLLOWS IS SOME SEXUALIZED CONTENT SO GO ELSEWHERE IF YOU'RE EASILY TRIGGERED

After some very hot dreams last night, I am feeling serene but also a bit groggy. Last night I had dreams of sex which fired up my dopamine so I have a bit of a pornish hangover. I'd often feel like this after a marathon porn then reality TV marathon. It's unpleasant but manageable. I am still 135 days P-free which is a huge milestone for me. I also can't discount that in the last 4 months I have:

1. Started divorce proceedings
2. Stopped living with my kids
3. Stopped watching TV (although I watch a couple movies a month)

But I guess I always want more...more sex, more sobriety, more attention. Hells bells I'm an addict! In the past the days just flew by but I find time molasses-slow these days following my Monday wank session. The one positive about wanking so much Monday is my libido has been back to zero. I've just realized it's like a mini-flatline. It must be flatline. I was at the gym last night and saw one of my favourite gym bunnies - the guy with latin skin, blue eyes, and rock hard *ss - and felt zero arousal. Well I'll be damned! I jerked myself into a mini flatline.

With regards to my Monday three-fap, if ever I needed confirmation that PIED is a thing of the past, I now have it. This may be boasting (ahhh what the hell...in for a penny, in for a pound) but my wood was ready and at attention Monday. Sensitivity was through the roof, and I no longer had to death grip to reach orgasm. As for orgasm, the power and quantity were impressive...all three times. Look at me, I'm a teenager again.

Flatline must be why the days are going by so slowly as well. I guess I just want to wake up and be at 150, 200, 250 days.
Anyhow, nothing major to report today my friends. I'll be staying over at my boyfriend's tomorrow night and, flatline again, am not feeling very aroused about it. Normally my stomach does a little jump when thinking of him. But seeing, smelling, and touching another human being should quickly fix that. Perhaps it's a good thing that I want to see him rather than just f*ck him. I'll report back Sunday or Monday to share my experience.

Happy (porn-free) Friday everyone. While this is a more humorous post, I think about those struggling with porn addiction every day. While I'm at day 135 P-free, on Monday I could have just as easily fired up a dirty website to make my MO session a PMO session. I was just one click and one letter away from a full relapse. That keeps me humble. Be well nation. P-M-O IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Jaystock on March 13, 2015, 09:33:01 PM
Good post lyon. Your so right.  We are all one click away  from a relapse. Don't give in.to that crap, you have worked  to damn hard for that.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 14, 2015, 04:34:04 AM
Day 136 No-PMO / Day 5 No MO Good morning nation! The last 24 hours were encouraging and the next 24 hours will involve sex so I'm a happy man. But first an update (LIST ALERT!)

1. Ex-Wife: I just finished a great chat with my ex-wife. We talked for over an hour and really connected. Yesterday was our son's 13th birthday and she had her family over for drinks. They ate and drank until 2 a.m.! I was so happy the family reconnected in a fun and loving way because they've been somewhat down in the dumps with our divorce. What's encouraging is two people I considered my arch-enemies, my former father-in-law and brother-in-law, both said I should have been invited. Wha!? That was totally unexpected and also an unexpected surprise. Incremental progress and small victories indeed.

2. Boys Night Out: As a couple, we were quite socially active and the husbands organized a 'boy's night out' for me last night. I initially didn't want to go but ended up having a super time. It was great to reconnect with men who are self-employed and successful even if they're all so painfully hetero! But man do they b*tch about their wives. I took a certain pride in saying, "We had our differences. We're now divorced. And I've moved on." I find married men are divorce-curious just like some guys are very gay-curious. Anyhow, it was a great night.

3. Business: I had a solid week despite "three-fap Monday" (see below). I'm concentrating on slow and steady progress rather than working in addictive-like bursts. I made some important decisions, solved some problems, and basically put on my big boy pants.

THIS NEXT SECTION MAY TRIGGER SOME OF YOU. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED OR IN EARLY RECOVERY, I'D SUGGEST YOU STOP READING.

4. Addiction: I scared myself earlier this week when 1 wank turned into a morning fap-a-thon. I've spoken to my sponsor (I'm in a 12-step for porn addicts) and he helped me define the '2nd circle' habits (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_circles). In addiction, there are three circles: the outer circle are positive, safe, and/or benign habits; the inner circle is full-blown addiction (sex, porn, gambling, alcohol etc); the middle circle are habits that transition from recovery (outer circle) to relapse (inner circle). I've put masturbation in this second (middle) circle. Defining this as a 'risky' habit but not relapse was a relief and helped me better define what I consider my true addiction, porn. I had a mini flatline Tuesday-Thursday simply because I edged twice and ejaculated so much it probably threw off my body chemistry. I then had urges to masturbate last night and had a lot of porn flashbacks this morning. To combat those, I used some techniques learned through "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, namely:

- First thought wrong: identifying that my first though is the addict in me looking for a fix
- "What else?" Keep asking my inner addict this question until I think myself out of it.

If you haven't read it, grab a copy today! So I'm still 136 days porn free my friends.

5. Sex and Sexuality: I was still more or less in a flatline 'low libido' phase yesterday and ran into one of my gym crushes. I have many! This was the guy I fantasized so much about a few weeks ago I wanked. Yesterday I thought to myself, "Him?" Don't get me wrong, this guy is good looking and has a great body. But I wasn't drooling over him like a few weeks ago. It was actually quite nice to hit the gym for a workout rather than spending an hour eye-f*cking everyone I see. Speaking of the f-word, I'll be having dinner with my BF and some friends tonight. Then I'll overnight at his place and will probably have sex tomorrow morning. My trilogy-fap on Monday relieved pretty much all of my sexual tension so while I hope we have sex tomorrow morning, the world won't end if we don't. I'm going to go 90 days without MO and will then re-evaluate whether to use masturbation to relieve sexual tension. Clearly I have to find some middle ground between my failed, "I will never fap again," then lusty thoughts, then shame-filled masturbation. I think I've written enough about fapping and will get my gay-ass to the gym. With regards to my health, I'm thrilled with the results of my 4-year metamorphosis (from a pear-shaped slob to v-shaped hard body). I enjoy getting lots of appreciative stares at the gym from guys half my age. But I'm most happy to see the results of a 5-day-a-week habit.

That's all for now my friends. Again thanks so much for your love and support. I'll post again tomorrow. I'm a reboot lifer as I need this community to remain PMO-free. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Jimmy James on March 14, 2015, 08:06:10 AM
Men get chastised frequently for objectifying women.  Why wouldn't this apply to men objectifying men?  I have been guilty of objectifying women.  I now try to look past whatever may have caused me to initially objectify them and at least mentally empathize with them or look for something positive about them.  I guess it has become part of my "what else?".
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: StevenT on March 14, 2015, 08:52:20 AM
I love reading your posts, Lyon! It's really helpful to read about your journey and how you process and learn from your experiences. I plan to read up on the addiction information you shared. Hopefully it will help me understand why I'm so drawn to certain destructive behaviors like porn and a few others. I caved in this morning and had an MO session in bed when I woke up, but without the P. It's been over 40 days, which is pretty amazing. Have a great weekend, Lyon, and enjoy being with your boyfriend!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: ntg on March 14, 2015, 10:46:06 PM
Glad to hear you're still moving in the right direction, brother!  What really matters is learning from your mistakes and progressing forward, which you're really doing a great job of, as usual.  Keep making those distinctions and growing as a person.  Be well brother.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 15, 2015, 01:00:40 PM
Thanks so much for your kind posts my friends.

Day 137 no PMO / Day 6 No MO: Happy days my friends. This is my 901st post. I've written the reboot equivalent of "War and Peace." While I'm mindful to avoid the 'pink cloud' highs and then lows of earlier reboot, I'm making slow and steady progress. This weekend I had a few unexpected breakthroughs. But I won't label them victories like I wrongly did in the past. So let's call them teeny-tiny breakthroughs. So why don't we try a new strategy....A LIST!

1. Do you like me? When I first started dating my BF, he said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said, "Gays are pleasers. We want to be liked and often go out of our ways to be liked; often to conceal our true sexuality." This past week is perhaps the first time in my life that I wasn't groveling for anyone's approval/acceptance. In business I too often sell at a loss just to get the sale. Similarly, in my private life I spent years trying to buy my then wife's (now ex-wife's) approval through cars, jewelry, travel etc. I think what did it for me was this week's events. A former female employee who owed me money skipped off to South America with her boyfriend and then lied that she'd repaid me via bank transfer. I got the money Friday but couldn't understand why I was so angry/obsessed with this situation. Then it hit me. I loaned her the money in a, "Please like me..." situation and my reward was getting f*cked over. While things have settled down with the ex-wife and I share in the blame for our relationship's demise, I too often let her treat me like sh*t. I've spent most of my life trying to please people (mainly b*tchy women) and it was only through complete exhaustion that I'm starting to let it go. [Cue the "Frozen" song!] I even thought about writing my former employee with an offer to help her work on honesty and integrity. I mean my God...'glutton for punishment' doesn't even start to describe me! It was about Thursday that I decided to 'man up' and stop presenting my junk to everyone for emotional castration. I think last night was one of the first dinner parties I'd attended in about 15 years where I wasn't cowering for attention or flattering people so they'd like me. What a relief to just sit back, drink some champagne, and be myself. Victory? No. Progress? Hell yes.

2. Do you love me?  I was starting to act the same way (see above) but with my BF. While I often read about it, I can now understand that we truly teach others how to treat us. But I was making the same mistakes in this relationship as with my ex-wife: namely cowering for his acceptance and buying his love through expensive gifts/travel. This neediness was of course all in my head. In the past when sleeping with him I'd wake up constantly and cling to him in some nocturnal version of co-dependence. The only result was that neither of us would get a good night's sleep whereas I sleep like a log on my own. Last night at dinner I was back to my pre-porn self: comfortable; joking around; and calling him out in front of his friends on some of his bullsh*t...which we all laughed off in a champagne fog. It felt great. And today he was the one giving me gifts! Not only did I get some terrific wake-up sex, I also got a few thoughtful presents from his recent trip to London which were unexpected. Victory? No. Progress. Yes.

3. Do you want to f*ck me?
Like many other rebooters, porn addiction dirtied my life lens. Rather than seeing men as human beings, I saw them only as potential sex partners. For example, I found myself eye f*cking a little too much at the gym. This is something I need to work on but I made progress today. I went to the gym this afternoon thinking I'd be 'safe' working out on a Sunday afternoon. Well damn the luck! The place was a buff-buffet of my many crushes. These guys were all unbelievably hot, 20s, muscular, and handsome. But I wasn't drooling over them as I so often did. Having great sex this morning clearly helped but I was proud of myself for seeing these guys for what they were: nice, straight gym bunnies who had zero interest in some bad porn-orgy. So I'm working on seeing the world for what it is, rather than some potential sex scene with me as the main character. Victory? Not really. Progress? I think so. 

I've come to accept that my addictions were fillers for me. Rather than find or develop my own inner strength, I used porn, masturbation, sex, the internet or a host of other addictions to fill a void in my soul. The problem is addictions don't just fill the void, they started eating away at me like some aggressive form of cancer. They almost killed me. It would be a mistake to write that I'm completely healed. My addictions are simply in remission and if I stray from the healthy path, they start to flare up and eat away at me again. So I'll leave you with that lovely visual my friends. Be well everyone. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.



 
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Leon on March 15, 2015, 06:03:15 PM
Hey, Lyon! Any progress is itself a victory in my book. You're doing great reframing things according to reality, rather than the fantasy world we've been used to creating for years.

Be well, as porn-scenes projected onto reality are not an option.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 16, 2015, 02:53:56 AM
Day 138 no PMO / Day 7 No MO: Thanks Leon for your kind message. Today marks 32 days Youtube free! So I've now given up the following: Grindr (a gay hookup app); gay hookups; TV; compulsive spending (eBay/Amazon) and Youtube. My addiction is like the carnival game 'whac-a-mole' but every time that f*cking mole pops its head up, I bash it back down. Good morning everyone from Europe. I don't have a lot to share today so I'll re-post some terrific words from fellow rebooters:

Beachy wrote on his thread: "Not sure what happened but a week ago I felt something change inside. The world looked different. The random sex fantasies stopped, I started thinking more clearly and I had a longing to be with the girl I've been dating but not to just screw her so that I knew my ED was gone. I just wanted to be with her because she's cool to hang around. Not sure what button got switched but I knew somehow I'd turned the corner. Somehow I knew it was going to be downhill from here."

I experienced a similar event horizon this week. Porn warped my reality in two ways: first, I saw most men as potential sex partners; and second, I tended to see the world as some giant porn set. While sex probably occupies about 0.2% of my week, I easily thought about sex roughly 10% of the time. As I posted last night, I was at the gym yesterday with five unbelievably hot, 20-something, muscular guys. There were two groups: two friends working out together and three guys from the same rugby team. I guess I've reached a new level of recovery because I thought to myself: "Yes they're very handsome, but none of them want to have sex with me and none of them are going to have sex with me." So I just got on with my workout whereas in the past I probably would have rubbed one out in the bathroom. It took me this long (130+ days) to get beyond the craving I guess. Ironically one of the guys is clearly gay because he was eye f*cking the threesome rugby boys like crazy. I was watching him act like I often did at the gym, eyes darting around, and thought, "My God he looks like a pervert!"

Phase2 wrote in 'Success Stories': "There are a lot of guys posting here and many of them have very unique and complex life problems that they are dealing with--many far more difficult than simple PIED. Be aware that what everyone says here on RN may not apply to you, and some are just here for attention or community. Stay focused on YOUR success. Learn from those who are achieving their goals (Gary Wilson remains my go-to-guy for all information). Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life."

This perfectly describes me. While Phase2 was doing a PIED reboot, mine is a life reboot. He was correct to make the distinction. In my heart, I know I crave attention first and community second. Indeed I have to 'get on with life' eventually, lest this forum become my next addiction.

So it's time to get back to work my friends. I wish everyone a porn-free day. Be well nation. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Beachy on March 16, 2015, 05:11:25 AM
Nice Lyon03. We did start at similar times and we both had a bit of a life reboot albeit for different life events. That internal feeling of change is a great thing and provides a calmness which is welcome after the turmoil and heightened emotion of dealing with the addiction.

Phase2 is right that this forum should be a temporary stop. I got in the habit of checking this forum a lot, reading and rereading yourbrainonporn.com and then strategising about how I was going to beat the PIED as though I was going into a boxing ring against it. It is a formidable opponent that does require energy to overcome but the death spiral of thinking about it so often, even if it was to remind myself not to think about it, becomes a chain around the neck. The continuous thought and the community support is invaluable for a period but I'm now finding it counter productive as the reboot progresses. I think when you get to a certain point then it's time to just move on and not think about it at all so I'm weaning off rebootnation a fair bit. The site is invaluable but as Phase2 says it has a use by date.

Good luck friend and hopefully if life throws you any more lemons you just add gin and tonic and drink it down.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 16, 2015, 06:21:58 AM
I agree brother. I'm hitting a porn-exhaustion phase...perhaps a good thing. I remember a client saying to me a few years back, "I'm not an alcoholic." It was after a long dinner. She was both drunk and carrying a bottle of wine. Reality trumped her self delusion. I cannot trade my screen/dopamine addiction for a RN/recovery addiction. The common link between the two is porn. Perhaps it's time to post less and live more....which I say while writing yet another post! Be well brother.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Leon on March 16, 2015, 12:04:36 PM

Phase2 wrote in 'Success Stories': "There are a lot of guys posting here and many of them have very unique and complex life problems that they are dealing with--many far more difficult than simple PIED. Be aware that what everyone says here on RN may not apply to you, and some are just here for attention or community. Stay focused on YOUR success. Learn from those who are achieving their goals (Gary Wilson remains my go-to-guy for all information). Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life."

This perfectly describes me. While Phase2 was doing a PIED reboot, mine is a life reboot. He was correct to make the distinction. In my heart, I know I crave attention first and community second. Indeed I have to 'get on with life' eventually, lest this forum become my next addiction.

This was perfectly said, Lyon. And it reminded me immediately of my own stated goal:

My over all plan is 120 days without acting out, and from there, to just live life free of it...

While I know I'm one of those (was one of those  ;) ) guys with deeper issues than just PIED, I've been at recovery for a while, and this site simply helped me to focus my will like a laser beam, whereas before it was not as focused I suppose (?). But, yeah- my over all plan was to simply reach my goal, and then live my life without that stuff- without obsessing.

So, immediately following my 120th day (which wan't without it's own struggles), I began to taper off my time here. That's obviously still an ongoing process, however, I'll periodically come on here to be the kind of help (I hope) that I would have appreciated back when I was struggling more often.

Wishing you well, brother.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 17, 2015, 12:52:11 AM
Day 139 no-PMO / Day 8 no-MO: Good morning nation! This is a quick post as I'm up early and very motivated to work. I'm also making an effort to live in the real world rather than endlessly trolling through your threads. So this will be my only visit to the site today. While many have reported a chaser effect following masturbation, I have both an emotional and physical chaser following life's highs & sex. I saw my boyfriend Saturday/Sunday, had sex on Sunday morning, and not surprisingly was distracted and horny almost all day yesterday. I had a fairly strong urge to masturbate both immediately following sex Sunday morning and several times yesterday. Yesterday I'll rate the urge to MO about a 6/10 but I didn't act on it. I simply said "NO" mentally and that seems to have stopped it. Something Phase2 wrote in his success story really resonated with me, "Reboot Nation should be a temporary stop. Learn, commit and get on with life." I couldn't agree more. My thread has almost 12,000+ views which is both a victory and a failure. It's a victory because I've been so committed to my reboot and recovery. Yet it feels somewhat like a failure because I now want to put as much time and energy into things like my career, family, and love. Like the 30-something still living with his parents, I too have accepted I must plan to move on. So I've made a decision: I'll post daily through 150 days, then every other day 150-160, and then every 3 days for the next 10, 4 days for the following 10 and so on. In this way I can wean myself off of RN lest it become my new addiction. Thanks for reading everyone. It's time to get back to the real world! PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Dharmabum on March 17, 2015, 05:40:20 AM
Hey Lyon,

Congrats on all the progress you've been making.  If you look back at the map that is your journal, you've really made quite a journey.

I am feeling the same way you are - and Phase2 intimated - that RN is (or can be) a temporary stop.  I've not posted much the past few days and haven't felt compelled to.  I think this site serves different purposes for different folks, and it's here if we need it.  My story hasn't become more intriguing or dynamic - not much new to tell - and where I need to put my energies on the site are encouraging others.  But even that has been harder for me of late.  (Not sure why.) 

My hope is to be able to check in here and offer support a couple of times a week, and also post my own challenges/celebrations as needed.  But daily check-ins aren't feeling compelling right now.  Spring is here, I'm at the end of a long tunnel of work, and I just want to put that 30-45 minutes of my day toward something like running or meditating or something else that is hopefully equally constructive.

One of my addictions is living online, not just PMO around the online experience.  Facebook, Twitter, even this site, are places I go to hide from experiencing my life in real time and real sensory preceptors.

Use the site as you need it.  Come here when you feel drawn to post or provide encouragement.  And don't feel guilty if you are out living a healthy life otherwise.  I still check in w/ my sponsor daily, go to meetings once a week, so checking in here is healthy, but not 100% a must.  But if it becomes a must again, you better believe I'll be here.  I really appreciate all this site does for men like us.

Onward, mi amigo!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: notgivinup on March 17, 2015, 09:09:17 AM
Lyon....glad you are still here, and still on the journey.

You are a great encouragement to me and others.

Thanks.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 18, 2015, 12:19:19 AM
Day 140 no-PMO / Day 9 no-MO: Morning brothers! Thanks for your kind posts. I don't have a lot to share today as I'm trying to post less and live more these days. Is this what recovery feels like? I worked well yesterday although I was darting around the internet in a porn-like way at the end of the day. I was also on this site more than I should have been, particularly at the end of the day. I haven't had any urges to watch porn since day 1 back on October 29, 2014, although I do get the occasional urge to masturbate. The urge to MO pops up in two situations: first, just because of pure horniness which I believe is natural and healthy; the second urge is normally because of stress or escapism which is the addict in me. I simply give a mental "NO" to the urges or wait 10-15 minutes to let it pass. Tomorrow my dad arrives from overseas for a father/son ski weekend in the Alps. Despite the warm weather there is still snow on the upper mountains so I'm really looking forward to it. My family all know I'm gay and even at 71, my father is incredibly cool with it. He's a great guy and I'm lucky to have such a kind and loving family. Have a great and porn-free day nation! PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: notgivinup on March 18, 2015, 01:24:23 PM
Hey Lyon....glad you are living your life in real time.

I miss your more involved, longer posts...but not so much that I wish you back in here more. I know what you are doing...and it's awesome. I'm glad to see you facing life.

Thanks again for your honesty and authentic way of living here with us in RN. I hope it pervades all of your life.

I know you're not gone from here...so, I'll still look forward to catching you when you are here.

Have a great time with your father.

thanks.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lapdog on March 18, 2015, 01:38:53 PM
Thanks for all your insightful and inspirational posts. Have a great time with your dad. Mine is 70 next month and is also very cool. We are blessed.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 19, 2015, 02:09:48 AM
Day 141: Reboot (finally) complete. I've poured my heart out into these forums but passed the ultimate test yesterday. I was at the gym late last night (around 9:45 p.m.) when this black God of a man stripped down to his undershorts in the weight room and started posing in front of the mirror. Yep you read correctly! There was one other guy there who rounded the corner and was like, "Wha!?" His semi-naked body was competition perfect. It had ZERO effect on me. I think I'm going to be fine. Symbolically I signed final divorce papers this week so it just has to be signed by a judge and then I'm free. And today my dad arrives from overseas for a spring father-son ski trip. It's time for me to start living in the real world. But today is a good day. This isn't the triumphalism of earlier days...just a calm realization. I'll of course still post through 150 days and then from time to time to check in with the nation. If there is a crisis, this will be my first stop as I feel like it's (virtual) family. But I've dropped my RN crutches and feel I've started to run. It's been one hell of a journey. It took me well over 4 months to change a 15-20 year habit. That's a relatively small period of time to get your life back. I am so grateful my friends and am looking forward every porn-free day that will be the rest of my life. PORN IS NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.   
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Chile on March 19, 2015, 09:13:18 AM
Good for you Lyon! I'm so glad you're still here but totally understand if dropping your RN crutches means seeing you less. Thanks for all the love and insight you have shared...
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: notgivinup on March 19, 2015, 09:26:55 AM
hey Lyon....it's still just day by day, isn't it?

I'm glad for your victory in the gym.

Also...i'm glad for your successes. I have to remember that for today, pmo is not an option. It's a foundation. Today, I have to do the next right thing.

For me...that's getting off here. :  )

Thanks for all your encouragement.

ngu
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: ntg on March 19, 2015, 08:59:26 PM
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really glad to see you're not spending as much time on here man.  I'm glad to see you shifting your focus onto life itself, not onto the forums.  Your advice is fantastic, but focus first on your own life, then come back here and give what's left, not the other way around.  Peace man!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 20, 2015, 03:27:39 AM
Thanks for your kind posts brothers. Day 142 PMO free Good morning from Europe! My dad arrived yesterday for a 7-day visit and we're driving to the Alps this afternoon for a long weekend of spring skiing. We went for dinner at my ex-wife's house (+kids) which was fun and relaxed. We were then up drinking wine and laughing last night until 2 a.m. so I'm happy but a bit hungover this morning. Thanks to my new rebooted mindset, several things have changed in our father/son relationship: first, I am no longer trying to please my father. While I respect his opinion and enjoy his approval, I'm no longer seeking approval for approval's sake. This too often led me to lie, particularly about my finances. I guess I'm learning to be honest and vulnerable with those I love while simply not caring about the opinions of strangers or people who don't count. Second, I am now 100% honest with my father...and perhaps myself. Lying is like another version of porn addiction: it's a short-term escape and yet a long-term (and exhausting) dilemma. Honesty I've learned is more efficient and less work whereas whenever I lie it takes 3x the effort to remember the lie, conceal the truth, and eventually 'come clean'. There are of course things we'll never discuss with parents. For example, I don't talk about how great my sex life is with my boyfriend. But I'm getting better at honestly owning my feelings, fears, and problems rather than trying to minimize and hide everything. Third, I get so much more out of our conversations because I'm actively listening to him. My parents are quite well off and my dad was stammering something about my inheritance. I told him to give my half (I have just 1 sister) to my kids because I'd rather make my own money. But he kept coming back to the subject and after about 30 mins I understood the issue. He wanted to know if I was planning to marry my boyfriend and if this would give my partner legal entitlement to the estate. I though, "Oh that's what he wanted to know!" We then talked about how he should address the problem. I am now a very active listener, something I learned from the "7 Habits" book by Stephen Covey. That's my rather longish post for today my friends. I wish you all a happy and porn-free day. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.

 
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2015, 12:57:54 AM
Day 143 no PMO: One week and I'll hit 150 days porn free. That's 5 f*cking months! I can't believe I posted about my 90-day success story two months ago. Slow and steady my friends. Quick post as my dad and I are heading down to breakfast and then skiing all day today. I've had some strong urges to MO in the past few days because I'm coming up on a week's abstinence. I haven't seen my boyfriend since last Sunday. I was in the shower yesterday morning, a place where I did almost 90% of my previous fapping, and thought, "What the hell, I'll have a wank." Then I thought about how I'd feel afterwards, like a failure, and didn't do it. Sex with my BF is also much more intense when I abstain for week or more given the sexual tension. As for porn, while I see occasional flashes of porn scenes in my head and often dream of sex/porn, most of my sexual fantasies involve my boyfriend or the occassional gym crush. I have no desire to watch porn and really haven't since the beginning. It's just no longer part of my life. I wish everyone a happy and porn-free day today. Thanks for reading. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2015, 01:03:26 AM
PS - 13,000+ views. Holy sh*t! Thanks Reboot Nation.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Feetfirst on March 21, 2015, 05:27:08 AM
Hey Lyon, congratulations! I think you are making a bold and brave move. You have worked really hard at your own recovery and contributed massively to the recovery of others including myself, for which I am ever grateful. Wishing you continued success and happiness, FF
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Leon on March 21, 2015, 11:44:46 AM
Congratulations, Lyon at nearing 150 days! That's no small potatoes. You're doing it, you're leaving that crap in the rear-view mirror of your life.

Rock on!
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: ianmac on March 21, 2015, 11:01:01 PM
Lyon,

I want to thank your for all the posts you've made in my journal.  Your encouragement to me and others on RN is tremendous.  I appreciate your openness, vulnerability, and understanding.  You are also a very loving person.

I'm glad you've made it close to 150 days.

Thank you for not letting us be alone.  We're with you too, brother.

Ian
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 22, 2015, 12:01:31 PM
Day 144 no PMO: Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Enjoying the Alps and skiing with my dad. Not much to report other than I'm having a lot of fun with my dad. Even at 71, he is surprisingly cool/nonchalant about my homosexuality. I'm VERY much looking forward to seeing my boyfriend again Wednesday night and actually got hard just thinking about him yesterday and again while chatting with him on the phone last night. Will leave you with that my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 23, 2015, 11:32:35 AM
Day 145 no PMO: Back from a great long weekend of skiing in the Alps with my dad. Spending so much time one-on-one with my father has been very cathartic to say the least. He is a wonderful, loving, and accepting man and I love him to death. I resemble my father both physically and emotionally. We stayed in one of those 9-room chalets where the guests all have drinks/dinner together. Even at 71 years old, my father bent over backwards to get the other guests to like him. He talked non-stop about himself, how successful he is, and (strangely) how rich his best friend is. He didn't ask the other guests any questions. Why? Because it wasn't about him! Great b*lls of fire this was me pre-reboot. I was sitting across from my former self and was completely floored. Pre-reboot, I did everything possible to make people like me, yet I constantly talked about myself, and boasted about my money/success. And yet strangely my insecurities were on full display as I'd talk about friends who were more successful than me or I'd blame others who were keeping me from real success. Seeing my dad do all of these things was a true moment for me. As for me, I'm working very hard on engaging people in conversation. I'm more comfortable with myself post-porn and find this makes me a better listener. I now care what people have to say rather than just caring about the gaps in their speech patterns to talk about myself. While on the slopes, my dad was heartbroken because he couldn't keep up with me and constantly had to stop. He's 71 after all! So the slower pace didn't bother me but he was really getting frustrated this morning. Looking out over the sunny peaks of the Alps, I finally told him, "Dad I'm here to spend time with you. So stop beating up on yourself and let's just enjoy it." And we did. While it took me 43 years to figure this out, I realized this weekend my dad is a human being, we share a lot of the same frailties, and I love him very much. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: ntg on March 23, 2015, 01:28:17 PM
Awesome insight man.  People can tell when someone is speaking in order to try to impress others.  When someone is trying to impress others, they are subconsciously admitting that they see the others as more important than they are themselves, because they need their validation & acceptace in order to feel good about themselves.

Good job man, you're doing really awesome.  Making little distinctions like this can literally change your entire life, because it puts you in a whole different direction, and attracting much different people and circumstances.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lapdog on March 23, 2015, 02:43:54 PM
Congrats on your success. I understand what it's like seeing yourself in your septugenarian dad. I love mine and he's a great person but we are too much alike in too many ways that's I'd rather not be. Thanks for all your inspirational posts and your involvement in the people on here. You understand the struggle and it's great when someone takes the time to read your posts and reply to them. Be well, my friend.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Chile on March 23, 2015, 10:30:48 PM
Lyon, I am glad you can gush with love for your dad while learning from his flaws. You are in a special place and continue to cast a wide blanket of blessings on the rest of us at RN.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 24, 2015, 01:57:41 AM
Day 146 no PMO Thanks boys for your kind posts. I feel as though 150 days (this Sunday) is my true reboot. My physical reboot took around 90 days. This was experiencing withdrawal, beating porn addiction, and regaining normal sexual function. While my flesh may have healed my mind had not. Addiction was like a weed that grew out of the manure of many negative emotions, an overwhelming neediness, and bad memories. My emotional reboot took another two months and will continue for the rest of my life. Last night I took my father over to my ex-wife's house as they were going over to her parents' house for drinks and then out to dinner together. Yep you read correctly. While our marriage is over, my ex-wife remains on very good terms with my parents and they still consider her their daughter, despite the fact they live in different countries. I was both happy and sad. Happy to see my father being so supportive and yet sad that I felt so little attachment/affection for my ex-wife...or her family for that matter. The short time she and I were together last night, I could feel she was both angry and upset about something. She often is...she always was. The effect on me was an instantaneous unease, like the slight stomach upset at the start of a flu bug or the blurry vision of an oncoming migraine. Like a lightning bolt, I realized that she too was part of my addiction. Just as I saw my father trying to please the guests during our recent chalet stay (see post above), I tried for 20+ years to make this woman happy and yet failed every single day. There is no blame nor fault, just the truth. A closeted gay man cannot make a straight woman happy. I guess I just accepted that yesterday. I can't make her happy and never will. She has to find her own happiness. I decided right then that she and I would be partners raising our three children, nothing more. Friendship is now out of the question. Friendship is too close to intimacy and too close to our former failed relationship. Like addiction, if I try to please her she will simply demand more and more. This path will lead me back into the muck of addiction. I feel the need to add that she is a wonderful person. She is strong, kind, honest, and a very good mother. While we are wonderful apart, together we just don't work. I'm learning a lot in this stage of my reboot. My life is like a garden and addiction the weeds. I've learned my garden needs daily attention. Yes the odd weed may pop up, like when I recently masturbated, but I have the tools to tend my garden. I'm now getting at the roots of my addiction and realized yesterday certain people could be just as destructive as porn. I now have to learn to interact with my ex-wife in a business-like manner. Anything more and those weeds will start popping up again. Thanks for reading my rambling post. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.           


       
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: notgivinup on March 24, 2015, 07:23:43 AM
Lyon...thanks for your post. It's good to see you making your way through this.

I have always said that no one except the 2 people in a relationship know all the nuances and all the dynamics of that relationship. Anyone who would try to "fix" or influence a relationship should tread very lightly and with great caution before trying to enter into that...only you two know.

I'm glad you had a good time with your father as well.

I just read in the news about a jet going down in the French Alps...that isn't near you is it? I hope that it does not affect you directly. It affects us all in some way...but I hope not directly for you.

I'm encouraged by your journey...thank you for pressing onward.

pmo is NOT an option.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: Leon on March 24, 2015, 11:26:43 AM
I, too, thought of Lyon when that plane went down, as he was just in the Alps not too long ago.

Lyon, glad you had a good time with your father. Also that you're seeing your relationship with your ex-wife in a more healthier light. It seems that while the outward relationship (marriage) may be over, the mutual dynamics between you two are learned responses that may, as you said, have more of a negative impact, than not.

Either way, you sound healthy. For that I'm glad. Congratulations in advance of your 150th Day, your true reboot.
Title: Life is beautiful
Post by: lyon03 on March 25, 2015, 02:01:10 AM
Day 147 PMO-free: Good morning nation! I'm still here and didn't die in the German plane crash but thank you for your concern. My dad departs this morning after a week of skiing and great father/son time. We never run out of things to talk about and had yet another wonderful dinner together last night. After dinner, I then dropped him off at his airport hotel as he had an early flight this morning. I learned a lot this week as my dad and I are so similar. In another thread, a new rebooter referred to my story as a 'trainwreck' and my father similarly intoned, 'You've been through a lot.' Looking back over the past 18 months, I guess I have. I've beaten suicidal depression, porn addiction, sex addiction, survived separation and now divorce just to name a few. This is less boasting and more of an appreciation of a truly life changing experience. My new sources of strength are happiness and honesty. As I approach 150 days, this feels like the end of my true reboot and perhaps the start of a new life. Be well nation. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: avesraggiana on March 25, 2015, 07:27:07 AM
Be well, and literally, fare well, Lyon.  Not that you or I are saying goodbye to each other or is this forum.  I'm just affirming what you already know and what you're already doing by yourself. 

Your dedication to writing here everyday and giving is a blow-by-blow account of your experiences has been inspiring.  I will miss the day when your daily posts no longer come with such touching reliability and frequency.

Fare well always, Lyon3.
Title: Re: Life is beautiful
Post by: notgivinup on March 25, 2015, 09:26:25 AM
Lyon...glad to here that you and your dad are fine.

Thank you again for writing. You HAVE been through a lot...and you are coming out on the other side...stronger.

So glad you are here.

pmo is NOT an option.
Title: MY FINAL POST
Post by: lyon03 on March 26, 2015, 01:20:55 AM
Day 148 no PMO: Good morning from Europe my brothers! I've made a decision. I am going to stop posting on this website today. Saturday will be day 150 of my reboot and it's time to move on. I know it's the right decision. I know that I've healed and feel it's time to start living my new life fully. This means I have to stop living it virtually. My kids, my ex-wife, my family, and my business all need me...and they need all of me. It's been an amazing ride my friends. Again I'll share my favourite quote:

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. - TS Eliot


Reboot for me was always more than just a no-fap/no-porn challenge. It was about getting back to my true self. It was about getting back to the person I was before the lies, bad decisions, and addictions. I have been really sick for the past 5 days. The last time I was this sick I was probably around 13-14; symbolically right about the time I started masturbating now that I think of it. Today I woke up feeling shaky but much better. I am normally quite a healthy person although I suffered from porn-induced migraines over the past few years. But this past week I was coughing, aches/pains, sneezing, and flatline-low libido. I can't help but think this was somehow my addiction's 'last hurrah.' Well I survived this latest test and am ready to move on. I feel both body and mind have healed.

The last time I felt like this I had just graduated highschool. I'd finished my very last exam and was walking out with my good friend Helen. I somehow knew that I wouldn't attend the graduation ceremony because in my mind it was over. I was both scared, apprehensive, and yet filled with a wonderful sense of coming adventure. As I walked out of the doors, someone said, "Have a good life!" I'll never forget that.

And I'll never forget all of you. Thank you to everyone who has shared my journey. Thank you Gabe Deem for creating this site. Thank you Gary Wilson. Love, David.   
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Patrick on March 26, 2015, 03:11:27 AM
Goodbye, David. I'm happy for you and so glad we could meet here. Much love and THANK YOU for everything you've given me. Be well, brother.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Dharmabum on March 26, 2015, 05:19:40 AM
David,

You've been an amazing source of strength and support to so many of us.  Be well upon your journey going forward…and thanks for the TS Eliot quote.  That's a game changer right there.

I appreciate your kind words, your gentle kicks in the pants when needed, and your candor about your experiences. 

Keep going.  Stay vigilant.  Have an amazing, healthy and PMO-free life.

Your porn-free pal,
Tommy
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: notgivinup on March 26, 2015, 07:06:12 AM
David,

Thank you. You have helped me more than I can adequately express. Thank you for your honesty.

Have an awesome life, David. I will pray for you as I think of you.

Keep in the fight. It's worth it.

Thanks.

Scott
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Chile on March 26, 2015, 08:37:22 AM
David,

Thanks for all your love and support. You will be missed.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: ntg on March 26, 2015, 12:38:13 PM
Best of luck to you bro.  You've helped a whole lot of people on here, myself included, so know that as you venture onwards towards life.  Maybe one day when you feel more capable of handing the virtual things of life, and they are not an addiction, you can come back and give insights to people; if not that's cool too, we're all on a journey and we all have to do what we feel is best on it.  Best of luck, again, to you man.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: robust on March 26, 2015, 02:09:09 PM
Wow, great stuff. I really like your attitude. Best of luck to you!
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: lapdog on March 26, 2015, 02:37:23 PM
Sad to see you go, but glad that you're able to! Thanks for the support and inspiration and encouragement. It's been nice trading messages with you and knowing that I can overcome this and succeed!
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Switch on March 26, 2015, 03:29:37 PM
David -

Late arrival, but still appreciative of your story.

As the recent rebooter who branded your story a "train wreck," I am glad (and hope) that you took the comment in the way I intended it.  Your life was on rails, filled with box cars, heading in a set direction, and knowing the likely outcome and consequences, you derailed ....  You choose a new path, a new line that is true to yourself, and you have courageously dealt with the aftermath and clean up. 

I wish you luck and hope that the success that you have had here spills over into the rest of your life, and that your engine keeps chugging full speed ahead no matter the line or number of switches. 

Good luck.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: savingmysoul on March 26, 2015, 03:37:43 PM
it has been my pleasure and my fortune to follow your success story - god bless you my brother.

so glad you have slayed the dragon.

much peace to you - good luck!
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: ianmac on March 26, 2015, 03:45:30 PM
David,

Thanks for your presence here over the last 148 days.  You've been extremely helpful to me and all of us.  I wish you the very best life.  God bless you!

John
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: avesraggiana on March 26, 2015, 06:39:39 PM
AVE, DAVID REGINA!!!

Thank you for letting us accompany you on your journey out of darkness.  Thank you for leading the way, and thank you, in the end, for being the guiding light that has inspired so many.

I LOVE YOU.

Arnel
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: KennyPrester on March 26, 2015, 07:11:46 PM
Thank you for the help, encouragement, inspiration that you have given to me and to so many others. For showing us what is possible.

Kenny
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Leon on March 26, 2015, 08:04:27 PM
David, abundant blessings to you, brother. I'm so glad we met, albeit in the virtual world- but I never thought of it that way. On the other side of our mutual keyboards, or whatever device you're using, is a real human being.

I'm grateful for all your kind support during my own recovery / reboot. I enjoyed your words, your wit, and your kind and caring heart.

Peace and light along your path.


Leon.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: Poker on March 26, 2015, 08:41:31 PM
Good luck my friend....  and thank you. 

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: R on March 26, 2015, 11:36:52 PM
Awesome!  Enjoy Sir,
Thanks for the great input on my journal.
Doc
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: chris73 on March 31, 2015, 05:26:13 AM
Thanks heaps, David! I`ll never forget your supportive kindness!!
Be well and make great things with your life, bro!!
All the best for you, man!
Chris
Title: Re: MY FINAL POST...REBOOT COMPLETE
Post by: ready2go on March 31, 2015, 01:43:58 PM
Catch you on the flip-side, David.  Good luck bud.
Title: Re: Update: 180 Days
Post by: lyon03 on April 26, 2015, 04:39:16 PM
Hello nation! It's been a long time between posts. Roughly a month ago I wrote what I thought would be my final post, however, I thought it would be useful (and perhaps fun) to check in on the eve of my six-month mark. I'll probably post from time to time until I reach a year. For those who are reading my thread for the first time, let me give you the short version:

1. 43 years old
2. Porn addict for roughly 15 years
3. Used porn to hide my homosexuality
4. Father of 3
5. Came out to my wife in May 2012
6. Divorcing (and loving it!)

Me with porn: I was a weak, depressed, fat, insomniac, compulsive masturbator, migraine suffering, closeted, angry  sex addict, suffering from erectile dysfunction, and in an emotionally-abusive marriage. How's that for a list my friends!

Today without porn: I am more confident, happy, muscular, clear-headed, boner-popping, divorced, out (and happy) man in a committed gay relationship (just hit 2.5 years). 

For new rebooters starting their journey or rebooters who have recently relapsed, stick with it. If I can break this habit, anyone can. While others have been PMO-free for longer than I have, here is some brief advice:

1. Learn: In your first month of reboot, get a copy of "Your Brain on Porn" and read it as many times as necessary to understand the science of this addiction. This book saved my life.

2. Share/Encourage: I would have never beaten this addiction were it not for the love and support of the nation and its kind members. Share EVERYTHING openly and honestly on this website. It doesn't take much effort to post a daily update here and encourage others. These are the first steps towards meaningful recovery.

3. Fight: You're not in this to try, you're in this to win. You're fighting for your life so failure is not an option. Think of reboot like learning to walk again. You never see a toddler fall, freak out, cry, get angry, blame others etc. when he/she stumbles while learning to walk. The toddler stumbles, falls, and simply gets up again. Similarly reboot is like learning to walk through life again. Yes there will be challenges but it's how you deal with those trips/falls that makes the difference which leads to my next point. Never give up.

4. Forgive, Forget, and Move On: Most of us 40+ year-old porn addicts carry a lot of emotional baggage. Unlike our younger counterparts who are simply rebooting from a compulsive habit, we mature rebooters are often battling memories, traumas, toxic relationships, or emotions that resulted in our addictions. We also get stuck in the mucky shame of our PMO habits. I myself used porn/sex to run from painful memories or to continue living a closeted lifestyle. Memories are nothing more than ghosts from the past with no link whatsoever to the present. And we choose our relationships as I learned perhaps too late. I also learned that I could work through, confront, and eventually forget what was feeding my addiction. We also have the choice to end bad relationships as I did...even when married with children. "Breaking the Habit" by George Collins was one of many books that helped me through what I call my emotional reboot. Now at 180 days porn-free, I used addiction to run from my past and from my broken marriage. I've now worked through this pain and am a new man. We are not our minds nor our thoughts. We're choosing to give power to our troubled pasts. We also empower toxic people by remaining in contact with them. Free of my past and freed of sh*tty relationships that I chose, I'm a free man again.

So where am I after 180 days? I'm not the same man I was just six months ago. Gone is the addiction, anger, and shame. Life is too short to live it virtually my friends. So get off your screens and go live your lives! Be well. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Update: 180 Days
Post by: Leon on April 26, 2015, 05:45:19 PM
Hi, lyon! Good to see you, and congratulations on hitting your 6 month mark.

Blessings to you.
Title: Re: Update: 180 Days
Post by: Chile on April 26, 2015, 07:32:38 PM
Great to hear from you David. I'm amazed at how we can exchange decades of accumulated porn garbage for a new way of living in just a few months. You are a trailblazer.
Title: Re: Update: 180 Days
Post by: Patrick on April 27, 2015, 12:11:56 AM
Hi lyon, Great to have you back! I'm really happy for you, you're the man. You're right that the support from the Nation is invaluable. I need people who know what I'm going through cheering me on. I'm going to win. Much love.
Title: Re: Update: 180 Days
Post by: notgivinup on April 27, 2015, 12:04:07 PM
so nice to hear the lyon's roar again.

Congratulations on your reboot. Great to see you here again.

pmo is NOT an option.

NGU
Title: Re: Update: 200 Days
Post by: lyon03 on May 17, 2015, 11:06:40 AM
Day 200: Hitting the two-century mark without porn, masturbation, & orgasm (PMO) feels like quite an accomplishment so I thought I'd share via a quick post. While I don't post very often, I do remember being in complete awe of anyone who hit 100+ days when I started my thread last November.

Many RN members have more time porn-free than me, but I'm happy to share my experience and perspective. Reboot is a bit like getting back in shape. I know because I went from flabby to a hard body 4 years ago. Day 1 at the gym is a f*cking nightmare as is your first 24 hours without porn. But if you stick with it, by day 30 you've got more game and perhaps a better game plan. The same applies to reboot. If like me you spent decades building a life around porn (or rather dopamine) addiction, it takes a great deal of time and effort to recover. Here is my advice for how to successfully reboot:

1. Own it: You have to accept your addiction to porn, sex, hook ups, or whatever else is destroying your life has gotten out of control. But let's focus on porn for the moment. You have to accept that you are addicted to dopamine (the brain's arousal chemical) and this addiction is ruining your life and the lives of everyone around you. That's why it has to stop. That's why you're here. Once you've read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson, you now know that the following give you a dopamine fix: a. Any screen stimulation that arouses you; b. Edging (masturbating to the point of orgasm and maintaining this state of arousal). Once I 100% owned my addiction, I then had to accept that addicts are generally lying, self-centred, *ssholes. That brings me to my next point.

2. List it: As you can tell, I love lists. At the top of my reboot list was my goal, "Porn is not an option." I will never watch porn again. Period. But this is where my inner addict wanted to f*ck with me and from what I've read on other threads, many others have gone through this. My inner addict wants the dopamine hit and will do anything to get it. No matter where you are in your reboot, stop now and create a list of everything you will never do again. Some common rationalizations are: flirting on Facebook isn't porn; jerking off (but not to orgasm) in the shower isn't a relapse; still photos aren't porn (only video is porn); hook up sites aren't porn; I can read erotic literature online and it's not porn; and so on. This is what I refer to as lite beer syndrome. An alcoholic is still drinking even when she's guzzling lite beer so these 'porn lite' substitutes are relapses or at the very least gateway behaviours to relapse. If you're alone, on a screen, and it's 2 a.m., you're not posting on a bible group site so stop bullsh*ttng yourself. List everything you won't do and this can include being on a screen alone. Then share your list with someone to keep you accountable: your wife; a friend; or even better a sobriety/reboot buddy. Now you're ready to recover.

3. Share it: Three words saved my life: never hold back. I shared anything and everything on this thread - often several times a day. I got all the bad juju, all the secrets, all of my fears, and every single lie out of my head and into this thread. It was the most painful and yet the most liberating thing I'd ever felt. There are two kinds of reboot in my opinion: the 20-year-old "I can't stop watching internet porn" reboot with some kid who's trying to stop a compulsive habit and then there is the emotional reboot like mine. Reading other's threads, the 40+ crowd are seriously f*cked up. We've been living with the guilt, shame, and fear associated with addiction - sometimes for 15-20+ years. In the process I f*cked up my life, ruined my career, destroyed a marriage, and to top it all off contemplated suicide. It would have been naïve of me to think that my whole life would change once I stopped jerking to gay porn. This forum is safe, anonymous, and may represent your last chance to get all of the bad sh*t out of your head that keeps you mired in addiction. For me, I lived a closeted gay life through online porn. This forum and the support I received from fellow members allowed me to accept I was gay and no amount of prayer nor hope was going to change that. This leads to my next point.

4. Find it (within): This section is highly personal and may not apply to everyone. For years I tried, and failed, to stop watching porn. The reason: I refused to accept I was a gay man and father trapped in a straight marriage. Once I identified the true cause of my addiction, I then decided to take action. I had to separate, divorce, and get on with my life. Porn was simply an escape for me or my way of avoiding these difficult choices. I'm not suggesting everyone is a closeted homosexual, but most of the 40+ men who continue to struggle with porn addiction need to find the root cause of their addiction. Yes there may be hard decisions and consequences, but if you keep relapsing I believe it's because you haven't yet faced the real reason you're an addict. Once I accepted I was gay, told others, shared it here, found a support group, I then no longer needed porn. I feel the need to add a word about religion here as I can see the 40+ threads have taken on a very biblical tone. As I've shared before, faith can be a very strong ally in reboot but faith can only take you so far. My feeling is that you can pray as much as you want to learn to play a musical instrument, but it takes daily effort and hard work to truly master the piano for example. The same is true about addiction. Faith/prayer are strong forces that have helped many rebooters recover. However, you must combine faith with both effort and action to conquer addiction. This leads to my next point.   

5. Fight it (hard): You're not going to recover if you sit in front of your computer 18 hours a day. Dopamine is more addictive than cocaine, crystal meth, or heroin. So think of your computer screen like a syringe - the conduit for your fix. The heroin addict can't recover by endlessly staring at an empty needle. If you are struggling and keep going back to screens for a dopamine (or dopamine lite) hit, I suggest learning everything you can about porn addiction. I read everything: every book; every thread here; watched every video available. Beating porn became my new (positive) addiction. I then read about the emotional recovery from addiction, coming out, divorce, parenting through divorce, then about narcissim (extreme self-centredness is something I struggle with), exercise, relationships etc. I've read more self-help books than Oprah. Knowledge is key and it better focuses my energy where it's needed to beat this addiction forever. If you are focusing all of your time and effort on toxic relationships, blame, video games or anything that distracts you from dealing with the main issue. Stop. Learn. Regroup. And then focus your energy on fighting the real problem. The fight will never stop...it's like an endless uphill climb, but you do get stronger and better at fighting as dopamine/addiction lose their power over you.

Where am I today? I'm not the same person I was 200 days ago. I'm stronger, more honest, happier, and none of that would have been possible with porn (or porn substitutes). Ask yourself this question: does porn (or even porn lite) bring anything positive into your life? It doesn't. So drop it now and start living again. Love to all.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: Update: 200 Days
Post by: Patrick on May 17, 2015, 02:45:02 PM
Hey lyon, Great to hear from you! Much love and I'm really happy for you :)
Title: Re: Update: 200 Days
Post by: Jaystock on May 17, 2015, 03:53:41 PM
Just awesome  lyon. You are a true warrior. I'm having  a tough time lately. I think exercise  us one of the major keys, in a reboot. I need to get my ass up, and exercise  regularly. Keep up the good work
Title: Re: Update: 200 Days
Post by: Leon on May 18, 2015, 08:13:05 AM
David, you make several excellent points above.

I know that as a believer, I've used excuses for years, sloughing off responsibility onto God, the devil, the flesh, my environment, etc, as being to blame for what were my own behaviors.

Faith is to be more often an action word, and to truly put our faith into action in our reboot is precisely to do what you've stated above, and put ourselves out there, knowing that God's grace will come through for us, seeing that we are truly willing to change.

The problem is when we hide behind debilitating beliefs, such as 'original sin', or a 'sinful nature', etc, and blame external problems in a defeatist and weak way, when the Gospel originally was taken by the early believers as the most empowering and world-conquering force.

We need to tap into that overcoming power today in our reboot, whether we're believers or not, knowing that our true humanity is buried and locked away behind an excuse making and narcissistic shadow of our true selves.   
Title: 8 MONTHS PORN-FREE
Post by: lyon03 on June 24, 2015, 03:06:32 PM
Hey nation! It's been a while. I hope all of you are doing well, gaining strength in recovery, and spreading the reboot message. I've been following some of your posts/successes but have essentially moved on from the RN which is perhaps a good thing. Whether you're just starting out or months/years in recovery, I wish you well. 

On Friday I'll hit 240 days (or 8 months PMO free)! I'm thinking wha!? My life is sooooo much better without porn...or more specifically without the dopamine addiction. I wanted to post today (day 238) because I'll be traveling on business tomorrow and Friday and won't have time to check in on my sobriety anniversary. I'm also taking my eldest son with me on the trip as he's learning the family biz. This is nothing short of mind-blowing and yet another positive development in my porn-free life. Before you think I fart rainbows, I don't feel at all triumphant because I look back at who I was for the past 20 years and cringe. I was such a zero. Just read my posts if you don't believe me. By way of background, I am gay, divorced, and the proud father of three wonderful children. 

What follows are some statistics that continue to scare and yet help me in recovery. I recently learned that the average person spends:

1,460 hours a year watching TV (61 days)
1,000 hours a year on the internet (42 days)
115 hours of quality time with children (5 days)
19 hours having sex (0.8 days)

Ask yourself this question: where is a PMO addict in the above statistics? I know where I was: probably on porn about 1000+ hours a year which is terrifying. Porn/sex/addiction/screens occupied most of my time and almost killed me. Up until 8 months ago, I spent almost every waking hour watching porn, edging, looking for gay hookups, or thinking about sex. During this time, I wasn't a father. I wasn't much of a human being really. I was a depressed, suicidal, angry, asshole, insomniac, tv junkie. How's that for a list? I was the above statistics and my loved ones suffered because I couldn't stop beating off to a screen. How sad. In brief: porn/dopamine addiction warped me.

How did I stop? I hit rock bottom with thoughts of suicide in December 2013 (roughly 18 months ago). I had two choices: change or die. Not surprisingly, I chose change but I came very very close to killing myself. Even after this low, I still used porn to hide from my problems and fears for another 10 months before finally making some changes. My marriage was toxic so I ended it (divorce). I hated my body so I reshaped it (exercise). My business was dying so I fixed it (hard work). My addiction was destroying my life so I ended it (reboot). I hated myself so I worked very hard and learned over time to love myself again. Only when you love yourself can you truly love others. I write all of this in a matter-of-fact way but doing all these things was excruciatingly difficult at the time. And I still struggle today. That's essentially what it comes down to: did I want a life with or without addiction? My porn addiction gave me nothing but guilt, shame, and unhappiness. Porn weighed me down like a 200 pound bag of wet cement. I've dropped it and am back running again. It's wonderful, freeing, terrifying, and beautiful.

Yesterday I played dinosaurs with my youngest son during his lunch break. We whooped and roared like t-rexes. Is there anything better than chasing a giggling kid around? Love is the best high ever. When I was leaving, he bear hugged me and said, "I love you daddy." No screen could ever give me that moment. That's what reboot is to me.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION...AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: notgivinup on June 24, 2015, 10:35:38 PM
Awesome, David...congratulations on 240 days. Congratulations on leaving pmo behind.

You're a good man. I hope you have a great trip with your son. It's really good to hear from you again.

Scott
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: Chile on June 24, 2015, 11:22:42 PM
Thanks for remembering us David. Your posts always encourage.
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: chiefmitch88 on June 26, 2015, 10:40:01 PM
I'm happy for you David! Keep it up.
Your post caught me at a needed time. Still struggling bu also still porn free. I toed the line a few times but stepped back from the precipice. Starting to feel more capable with every challenge I face. It helped me remember what I am fighting this battle for.

Thanks Friend, God Bless
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: Kurall_Creator on June 27, 2015, 06:05:40 PM
Wow, thanks!!!

You've definitely inspired me to be more open about what's on my mind!
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: lyon03 on June 28, 2015, 04:08:12 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind messages. It means a lot to me. UPDATE: The US Supreme Court recently legalized same-sex marriage. This had a huge impact on me and will forever change gay rights around the world. Over the past few days, I have come out to my children. This has been an enormous relief. My children were of course surprised but all very loving and supportive. I am truly blessed. Now my entire family knows who I am and they all accept me. This is yet another nail in the coffin of my porn addiction. Why am I writing this? While a gay man, I believe the lessons I have learned and shared here are universal. For anyone who has carried around the guilt/shame of porn addiction and then had that vulnerable moment when you had to tell someone you love, "I'm addicted to _______", you've gone through a form of coming out. The fear of rejection applies to everyone. I have two points to make. First, if you are struggling with addiction, one of the most powerful healing tools is admitting you have an addiction. You can start here of course but you must tell someone you love (a wife, partner, parents etc). By telling those I loved about my addiction, I forced myself to accept the truth and start the long journey towards healing. Healing isn't possible unless I accepted unconditional love even when I thought I didn't deserve it. Second, pay it forward. Once you have found strength in love/acceptance, share it by reaching out to others either through posting on this site or encouraging others through private messages. You can also pay it forward by showing your wife/partner love or (in my case) being a good father again to my three kids. I can only love others as much as I love myself. This has been a three-year journey for me to porn-free living (8 months of which I've documented via this site). If you are struggling, please don't give up nor give in to the shame/self-hatred that feeds addiction. Each of us has an army of loved ones, either here or with our own families, who are fighting along side us. Remember always that you are loved and that love is only possible without pornography addiction. Thanks for reading my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: Update: 8 months porn-free
Post by: Bagpuss on July 03, 2015, 12:56:49 PM
Fantastic, very pleased for you Lyon. I can imagine the sense of accomplishment and self acceptance you no doubt feel given where you are in this process. Good work brother  :D
Title: Re: Update: 9 months porn-free
Post by: lyon03 on July 29, 2015, 05:17:09 AM
Good morning nation! I'm writing with a brief 9-month update. I haven't been very active on these forums the past few months simply because I'm starting to move on. I've been porn-free for 270+ days now and it's completely changed my life. My reboot/recovery had the following phases:

1. Decision (October 29, 2014): porn is not an option
2. Withdrawal/Doubting (Months 1 & 2): brain went a bit haywire, wondering if my penis would work again etc.
3. Emotional Withdrawal (Months 2-3): learning to live life without my drug of choice (porn)
4. Emotional Recovery (Months 4-7): putting an end to toxic self-pity/self-centredness, letting go of the past
5. Life Reboot (Months 8-9): realizing life is more about honesty, loving others, being loved, and contributing rather than endlessly fapping to a screen.

My reboot was first about kicking the habit and getting sexual function back, however, those were merely the mechanics. Long-term reboot is so much more. Today porn has very little to offer me and I no longer need the escape as I've dealt with the painful issues/memories that fed the habit. Porn is simply no longer part of my life. I'll probably write again next month or on my one-year anniversary. I wish you all good luck in your personal journeys. Don't give up! Life without porn is so much better my friends.


 
Title: Re: Update: 9 months porn-free
Post by: Chile on July 29, 2015, 09:43:11 AM
Thanks for that great summary with points 1-5 Lyon. You are missed.
Title: Re: Update: 9 months porn-free
Post by: notgivinup on July 29, 2015, 10:50:22 AM
Thanks, Lyon....and getting rid of the pmo drug can lead to having to deal with the pain directly. yippee.

sincerely, however, this is a good thing. Sucks at times....most of the time....but it is the way through. No more medicating.

Thanks for being here...and thanks for checking in. You are an encouragement.

NGU
Title: Re: Update: 300 days porn-free
Post by: lyon03 on August 25, 2015, 01:30:38 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind posts and encouragement. Today marks 300 days porn-free for me so I wanted to check in with an update. My initial goal was to try a year porn-free. Now almost ten months without PMO (porn; masturbation; orgasm), porn is no longer part of my life. It has absolutely nothing to offer me and represents a phenomenal (and soul-destroying) waste of time. Getting down to more specifics, my reboot had three distinct phases:

Phase I: Physical Reboot

My first 100 days of reboot involved ending an almost 20-year porn habit. I made the decision to stop watching pornography back on October 29, 2014. Roughly a few days later I decided masturbation too was an addiction (or perhaps a compulsion) that I also had to stop. Around week three, I experienced heavy withdrawal with night sweats, shaking, and some paralysing migraines. Around week four, I flatlined with a shrunken and lifeless penis. My flatline lasted about ten days. Strangely I had almost no urges to watch pornography during the first 100 days of reboot. I spend most of my days working on several computers so I installed a K9 porn-blocker on my desktop computer but have nothing on my laptop which hasn't been a problem. During this period I stopped watching television (just too sexual), continued exercising daily, read everything about porn addiction, and got lots of sleep. Researching this addiction and leading a healthy lifestyle helped my body heal. But next I had to heal my mind.

Phase II: Emotional Reboot

During this second phase, the porn fog lifted only to expose the broken landscape that was my life. Now 43, divorcing, with three kids,  I believe that we mature rebooters are different. While a 20-year-old reboots to stop a habit, if like me you've been abusing for decades, you've probably built an entire sh*tty life around the guilt and shame of addiction. This emotional phase of reboot is where I believe most seem to relapse. I personally used porn as a (safe) virtual outlet for my sexuality. I was a closeted gay man trapped in a straight marriage who occasionally surfed gay porn. However, once I had high-speed internet I was completely hooked. No longer satisfied by just the virtual experience of increasingly hardcore pornography, my brain needed novelty. So I ventured into the real world of gay escorts and hook ups through apps like Grindr (the gay sex version of Tinder). I think of my life like a garage which I endlessly filled with junk only to close the garage door. During the first phase of reboot, I learned to end a habit. Yes I was getting physically stronger, however, I still had to open that garage door and start working through 20 years of clutter. For me that meant: therapy; separation; divorce; and generally dealing with the emotional causes of my addiction. 

Phase III: Long-Term Recovery

Porn was just a nasty habit, like smoking. I've learned that ending a habit is just one part of having a better life. My recovery involved more than just stopping a habit, I wanted to be a better and happier person. Look at it this way: you can stop smoking, but that's meaningless if your wife is a smoker, all your friends smoke, you're fat, you're trapped in a terrible marriage, hate your job etc. For me I needed a life reboot or else I'd just find myself using pornography as an escape again. How did I accomplish this? First, I had to accept responsibility for my porn addiction. For years, I blamed everything and everyone for my addiction. This was the wrong path. I've followed a fellow rebooter who started posting around the same time as me. He continues to relapse while blaming his wife for his porn addiction. I could only recover once I fully accepted responsibility for my addiction which then forced me to deal with it. Second, I joined Porn Addicts Anonymous (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org) which is a 12-step program for porn addiction. Having a peer group, a sponsor, and weekly meetings was exactly what I needed to work through my addiction. I've starting moving on from this group and the Reboot Nation which I believe are natural and healthy steps - after all I can't obsess about addiction all day long as this too becomes yet another addiction. Third, I relearned honesty after a lifetime of almost pathological lying. Denying my homosexuality and lying about my porn addiction were all to easy for me. I came out to my ex-wife three years ago, my family last year, and my three children about a month ago. This was a long, painful, and yet necessary step in my long-term recovery. I've just returned from a week-long holiday with my three kids. This is the first holiday I've had with them solo since separating from their mother. My youngest is six and I can only describe him as pure love, joy and happiness. Looking at him swim, laugh, and play, it struck me. Like him, I was born with everything I needed to be happy and yet f*cked it all up. Symbolically I was five or six when I first mentioned to my sister and her best friend (Brenda) that a male lifeguard at camp was 'handsome.' Brenda shamed me, 'That's wrong!' and then I let society influence me into believing I was a freak for liking boys so I hid it. I used porn as an artificial means to be happy when during this third phase of my reboot, I realized that true happiness can only come from within. This is what I'm learning now.

My Recommendations

Here are a few things that helped me get to 300 days porn-free:

Phase I (0-100 days):

- Read 'Your Brain on Porn' by Gary Wilson. Knowing the science of porn addiction really helped me beat it.
- No Screens: Stop watching television and start reading again. Most TV these days is just low-grade porn anyway.
- Exercise: You're going to have a lot of time on your hands so you might as well use it to get healthy.
- Journal: Share here daily. Having a peer group saved me.

Phase II (100-200 days):

- If you are still struggling/relapsing, join a 12-step program like www.pornaddictionsanonymous.org. Get a sponsor, attend meetings, and start working through the emotional muck of addiction.
- Get professional help through therapy, counselling, etc. Far from a failure, this is a necessary step. 
- Read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. 
- Be prepared to end (or at least redefine) all toxic relationships that feed your addiction. This may include your own family.

Phase III (200+ days)

- Define 'recovery' and live that definition every day.
- Be brutally honest and accountable with yourself and others. 
- Set long-term life goals and start fulfilling them.
- Start connecting with friends and family again.
- Continue living a healthy lifestyle with lots of sleep, exercise, and healthy eating habits.

Me Today

Porn makes us all a bit d*ck obsessed so I'll gladly talk about my junk. I suffered from PIED which improved around the 90-day mark. From about day 120 until now, I have masturbated from time to time (about 1-2 times/month) but nothing like the 2-3 times/day habit I had before reboot. Typically I masturbate the day after having sex which is often described in this forum as the 'chaser effect.' My genitals when flaccid also now look larger and generally healthier. Unlike most muscles, I believe my privates suffered from the daily abuse (and perhaps overuse) during my porn addiction. During the first 60 days of reboot, I counted morning wood and generally obsessed about size/strength of my erections and orgasms. Now I've come to accept that intimacy is more important than the mechanics of sex so my d*ck obsession has largely ended. As I wrote before, on average we spend 0.002% of our year (or about 19 hours) actually having sex so why spend 99.9% of our time obsessing about it? My boyfriend and I recently celebrated our three-year anniversary and we're now talking about him meeting my kids - albeit slowly. My career reboot continues (I'm self-employed) and I'm looking forward to new projects/challenges for the rest of my professional life. Sadly I decided I could not be friends with my ex-wife, we're too toxic a mix, so we're more co-parents than buddies. But we can still enjoy a meal together and have weekly chats about the kids. We are after all co-parents for life and it's important for our three kids to see us interacting like responsible adults. So that's me my friends. Just back from holidays, I'm off the to the gym and then back to work. I'll probably check in next month or perhaps when I've celebrated a year porn free. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Update: 300 days porn-free
Post by: Patrick on August 25, 2015, 08:27:16 AM
Hi Lyon, Great to hear from you and how wonderful your journey has been. I'm still drawing strength from this community, and you're a big part of it. I still fondly remember our conversation, knowing that we can do it! Sending you much love and happiness from Germany. Take care.
Title: Re: Update: 300 days porn-free
Post by: Kurall_Creator on August 25, 2015, 09:25:05 AM
Hey Lyon,

Glad to hear from you.

I can see, from your last post, where I'm in.

I believe I'm on phase two. I've slipped up quiet a bit, and yes, I was blaming it on other people, like my family and stuff. I was once blind, but now I see. Yesterday, I realized my real addiction - running away from my problems. The thing I most engaged in during 13-19, was constantly running away from my family, my peers, dropping out of school. I realized, yesterday, as I was thinking of running away from the last fiasco in my life, my factory job, I needed to be a man, go in and face the consequences. Turned out to be a good decision - as it will lead to my next phase in life, living a rebooted life of facing what I need to face, and dealing with life to create a life I want.
Title: Update: 10 months porn-free
Post by: lyon03 on August 30, 2015, 08:10:37 AM
Good morning nation. I provided an update at 300 days and have just cracked 10 months (305+ days). This is a huge milestone for me and one year without porn doesn't feel so far away. As I wrote from the beginning, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION and it's no longer part of my life. I've been wondering, "What's next?" for the past week. Reboot for me has to be more about doing things rather than simply avoiding porn. I found incredible strength and wisdom in the book "Stage II Recovery: Life Beyond Addiction" by Earnie Larsen. lf you've moved from battling the urges to thinking about the rest of your life, I highly recommend it. I don't have a lot to share today but would like to quote Reboot's very own Yoda: "William" of the thread "Hello Gentlemen Now We Begin." His latest post is pure genius:

"Let me say that again so I am clear, "If done right, quitting porn will be the most painful thing you have ever done."    If you are not embracing the pain of quitting, you are not quitting, you are trying to keep it in your life, but control it.  Porn addiction cannot be "controlled"; it has to be eradicated, it cannot be coddled, it must be murdered.  You have to plan on the pain, expect it, anticipate it, know its coming, and even learn to want that pain.  That pain is your brain readjusting to the new reality and the new reality is you are not giving yourself a dopamine high every day, repeatedly, through exposure to artificial sexual stimulation.  That mindset does not have to last forever, but it does have to last for at least 90 days.  Don't try and quit casually, don't do it in your spare time.  During the hard 90 quitting must be how you define yourself, it must be your occupation, your religion, your reason for living, the reason you get up in the morning, the reason you go to sleep at night.  Those who most successfully quit porn are consumed by quitting, it is their passion, their reason for living.  Not forever, but for the hard 90.  Once you get clean you can focus on other things like...reality.  Take a look at your hand.  Literally, hold your hand up and look at it.  Is that what you want to be married to for the rest of your life, is that what you want to come home to with good news, or bad?  Is that what you want to take out to dinner and have vacations with?  Your hand?  If you have any chance of reconnecting with reality you have to destroy the addiction, destroy it.  It will not be easy, and it won't be pretty, so plan on hard and ugly right now.  This is my advice to you."

Amen to that! Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Update: 10 months porn-free
Post by: Leon on August 30, 2015, 09:35:04 AM
Good word, Lyon. I fully agree from the standpoint of experience.

I have a mind to quote this in my journal as well, it is felt that this is not always embraced by many rebooters.
Title: Re: Update: 10 months porn-free
Post by: Chile on August 31, 2015, 11:10:31 AM
Thank you Lyon! Your post reminded me that pain is like bad-tasting medicine, at least for those 90 days or so. In quitting porn there are no children's chewables, only the medicine that makes our faces contort.
Title: Re: Update: 10 months porn-free
Post by: 1qqq1 on September 01, 2015, 07:19:37 AM
Hey Lyon, I just wanted to say thank you. Your posts have been full for great information, advice, and helpful. Insights you provide really show a detailed path to your success. I think with my story the recovery has not been so linear. At times all 3 phases seem to be in progress together. I will be working on phase 2 and relapse and move back into 1 all the while working on clarifying phase 3 issues. Being accountable here, with my counselor, faith, and myself has been key to any successes I've had  this far.  Also about older folks trying to stop, those pathways to using pmo as a solution are really strong. I know I have gained perspective on this time we have on the planet and how quickly it goes by. No reason to procrastinate if your life is not the one you want to be living.
Congratulations on rebooting your life, you are an inspiration.
Title: Re: Update: 10 months porn-free
Post by: William on September 21, 2015, 05:04:29 PM
If we don't see you before, we will see you at month 11.  You are inspiring people here.  Keep going, porn is not an option. 

Peace.

Will I AM. 
Title: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: lyon03 on September 27, 2015, 04:39:46 PM
Hello Reboot Nation! I'm writing with an eleven-month update and will likely write again for my one-year anniversary (October 29th). For those who have never read my thread, I am 43 years old, have used porn on/off for almost 20 years, was married (now divorced), and have three kids. I initially used pornography to explore my closeted homosexuality but am now out to both friends and family. Porn almost killed me back in December 2013 when I very seriously contemplated suicide. I am now 333 days porn-free and will never use/view it again. As I've often written: porn is not an option, and is no longer part of my life. September was quite easily the most challenging month of my reboot because I finally figured myself out...and it wasn't pretty my friends. You see, porn was simply a habit that quickly became an all-consuming addiction. In my case, I used porn to try to drug (or perhaps fill) a burning self-hatred because of my homosexuality. I've known I was gay since the age of five and yet always thought I was a deviant/freak. Now out and happy, I no longer needed the addiction and have spent most of this year rebuilding my self-esteem. But enough of the psychology, I'd prefer to share a brief roadmap to recovery.

STEP ONE: Find a mirror, look at yourself, and repeat: "I am a porn addict and my addiction is out of control." Keep repeating this until it evokes an emotion. Once it does, have a good look at your masturbation hand. [This 'hand' technique is thanks to a post by William.] Really take a long look at your hand and then imagine yourself walking down the aisle with a giant hand, exchanging rings with a giant hand, raising children with your hand, and sharing a lifetime of memories with your jerking hand. Accept that unless you kill your porn addiction, your masturbation hand will be your only friend in life. Ask yourself: "Is this what I want?" If the hand isn't working, imagine spending an entire life with a computer screen, or jizz rag, or dirty magazine. The point is I had to be mentally ready to move on and to do so I needed to be fully conscious of the wasted life I'd lead as a porn addict. 

STEP TWO: Get ready for the hell that will be step three. This won't be a walk in the park. This will be a heroin-withdrawal-like experience. Read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. Knowledge is power.

STEP THREE: Do the hard 90. Keep repeating: "Porn is not an option." This means 90 days without porn/masturbation/orgasm. It's not going to kill you but it will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

STEP FOUR: Post hard 90, determine whether you're simply ending a bad habit (like a bad diet), or battling a lifelong addiction similar to alcoholism/drug abuse. These are two completely different creatures. If you're battling a bad habit, after about 120-180 days porn-free, your life should be returning to normal and you probably won't need to keep posting on this website. So how do we determine if porn is an addiction? After your hard 90, here are some signs you're battling an addiction:

1. You continue to relapse.
2. You're still stuck in depression, guilt or shame. 
3. You're using porn substitutes like Youtube, fleshy TV, dating sites/apps, constantly masturbating, or you edge "but not to orgasm."
4. You've changed (or deleted) your counter several times in an attempt to rationalize yourself out of a relapse. 

The above isn't an exhaustive list, but you get my point. If you've stopped the porn, but still feel like sh*t and aren't really seeing an improvement in your life, your porn habit was an addiction and you now need to undertake an emotional reboot. If however you're feeling better and feel like you can move on, you've beaten a nasty habit and probably don't need this website anymore. 

STEP FIVE: Prepare yourself for an emotional reboot. This will be longer, harder, and more torturous than your 90-day porn reboot. This means fully accepting that porn was not the root cause of all your problems. It was simply a means to hide from the root cause. Emotional reboots like mine meant accepting that something deeper caused me to act this way. Now you need to identify and deal with the real problem. Start by reading "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. This will go a long way to help you identify the problem or "original wound" as Collins calls it.

STEP SIX: As an addict, you've surrounded yourself with people who somehow feed your addiction - including coworkers, your spouse and/or children. You need to accept that you've built an entire existence around hiding from something (bad memories, abusive parents, fears, guilt, shame etc). This means you'll need something or someone outside of your self-constructed 'comfort zone' to help you break free of it. You now have to accept that you can't overcome your problems alone, nor can you do so by blaming/abusing or being abused/used those around you. 

STEP SEVEN: Get a reboot buddy, sobriety partner, or sponsor and tell them everything. Every secret, every lie, every bad habit, every bad memory, EVERTYHING. If you're holding on to secrets, they'll just result in relapses so it's best to be honest/thorough so you can start healing. If you need more structure, try joining a 12-step programme like www.pornaddictsanonymous.org. If that porn-itch starts again, it's simply because you haven't exorcised the root cause of your porn habit so you need to keep digging. This may also require professional help.

STEP EIGHT: Stay proactive. The minute you stop going forward in recovery, you slide back towards addiction. Using myself as an example, I've read over 25 books (and counting) about pornography addiction, addiction, addiction recovery, long-term recovery, self-esteem, and I could go on. The point is I spent over 20 years getting myself into this hole so I had to accept it would take years to dig myself out again. Some other things you can do to remain proactive: exercise; learning; socializing...just balls out living again! You have to get out of the habit of feeling like sh*t in front of screens which requires both mental and physical movement. There will be aches and pains like when you start exercising again, but it's worth it.

The above is a brief roadmap to recovery based on my experiences so far. Please feel free to add to my list as many people on this website have more time porn-free than me. In closing, what started for me as a porn reboot truly became a life reboot. Now eleven months porn-free, I am not the same person I was when I last watched porn on October 29, 2014. Life is so much better without porn my friends so I can only encourage you to stay hungry in recovery...hungry for life really. Life is too beautiful to live it virtually. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: Kurall_Creator on September 28, 2015, 06:31:44 AM
That was awesome!

It definitely has me thinking.
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: Leon on September 28, 2015, 07:44:16 PM
This was an excellent resource, Lyon! I find much help in it, and I'm sure others will as well.

I like how you differentiate between porn/masturbation as a bad habit versus being an addiction. The 90 day test is really helpful toward uncovering this. For myself, there's no question that mine was an addiction requiring deeper healing, which is ongoing to this day.

Thanks for sharing this, and be blessed as you approach your 1 year goal.
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: Pheonix on October 18, 2015, 04:00:02 PM
Lyon,

I really liked reading your steps. Can you give us a top 10 list of books that you have read that have helped you with this addiction?

Pheonix
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: Riseup1010 on October 23, 2015, 07:34:27 AM
Thanks, Lyon. Your story gives hope. The rational and emotional approaches you employed and summarized in your 11 month update illuminate the path forward for me and many others. Congrats on recovering a life of integrity and purpose. We stand in awe and inspiration!
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: HARDWIRED on October 23, 2015, 08:07:30 PM
All I can say is you are such an inspiration to all of us!!!!   You not only inspire us with your discipline and will power but the way you put it into print and organize it motivates even the most doubtful of us.   Thank you so much for making a difference not only in you own life but in the lives of all of us that are trying so desperately to put things in perspective.   You are an asset to this site.  Thx a million Lyon!!!!
Title: Re: Update: 11 months porn-free
Post by: Poker on October 24, 2015, 01:41:38 PM
You are just about at an impressive milestone.  Congratulations on everything you've be able to accomplish over the last year.  I know it hasn't easy....  but i know it has been worth it.

Cheers,

p.
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 28, 2015, 06:15:25 PM
I made it! It's midnight here in Europe where I live. I've just made it to 1 year porn-free. This is a huge milestone for me. I'm tired so I might post more tomorrow. But before heading to bed I wanted to share two things: first, I want to thank all the RN members who have encouraged me over the past 365 days. Words cannot express my gratitude. Your stories, struggles, successes, advice, love and compassion all helped me get here. Second, I want to encourage everyone who is still struggling to keep fighting. There is no future as a porn addict. When I started this journey a year ago, I was a depressed, angry, wreck of a human being. Porn would have eventually killed me. I know it. Today my life has completely changed. While there are still struggles, mainly with self-esteem, life is so much better. This year saw me travel to Israel, Italy, Spain and all over France. I've just come back from trips to Toronto (to see my family), NYC (business) and next weekend I'll be heading to London. Tomorrow I'm attending an early morning entrepreneurs conference, then an evening symposium put on by the European Union, and finishing with a romantic dinner with my boyfriend of three years. Am I bragging? Maybe a little but I'm also trying to make a point. None of this would have been possible if I were still stuck in front of my computer for yet another marathon fap-session. Porn = death. It's a simple as that. Granted it's a slow death, but porn would have killed me. Reboot = life. So I encourage all of you to keep fighting. You will beat this addiction. Fight it for your kids. Fight it for your wife. Fight it because life is too f*cking short my friends. And with that I'll leave you. Until tomorrow brothers. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE. 
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: Patrick on October 28, 2015, 08:56:52 PM
Congratulations, Lyon, well done! I'm so happy for you. Your love and compassion have helped me to stay on track. It's true that porn kills. It makes you suicidal, isolated, depressed, and gloomy. (So much fun, ha ha.) Enjoy your success and keep going. Love from Germany.
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: HARDWIRED on October 28, 2015, 10:59:38 PM
What an awesome accomplishment and you have every right to be proud!!!!   You're an inspiration to all of us and you're amazing at giving back!!!!   Many many more years of happiness and success to you. 
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 29, 2015, 06:54:41 AM
Thanks for your kind messages boys. I appreciate the input. Further to my post late last night, I am happy to share my experience after 1 year porn-free. Here is the deal. Reboot wasn't about my d*ck, nor about boners, morning wood, orgasms, etc. My reboot wasn't about having sex nor hooking up. Those are simply the mechanics of love/intimacy. What started as a porn reboot, really became a life reboot.

Allow me to break it down. My porn addiction was born of a deep self-hatred because of my homosexuality. I have known that I was gay, and repressed it, from the age of 5. Now 43, sadly I spent the past 38 years hiding, lying, and hating who I am. Around age 24, rather than come out, I chose to use porn to live a closeted existence. And so began my downward spiral. Porn was a habit, a symptom if you like. Self-hatred and a lack of self-esteem were diseases caused by denying who I was: a gay man. True reboot/recovery is impossible without acknowledging, confronting, and fixing the root cause of our addictions. Porn was a cough whereas my self-hatred was the cancer. Stopping porn would have been like taking cough syrup when my real problem was lung cancer. In my case, the addiction was simply a distraction. After an initial 90-day hard reboot, which we all need to complete to gain some degree of clarity, I had the harder task of identifying and treating the cause of my addiction.

And the cause of my addiction? It was a cancerous self-hatred about being gay and a fear that no one would love me if I came out. I've read many books about addiction, the causes of addiction, and lately about self-love and self-esteem. One book suggested saying, "I love me" aloud as a healing exercise. It sounded absurd but I tried it. The first time I tried saying, "I love me" I gagged and started crying. That's how low I was. Now I can repeat, "I love me" during my daily runs because I do truly love myself. This is an absolute gift. This is where I am now and I suspect it relates to many of you. Now divorced, I am out to absolutely everyone I know. Friends, family, and my children all know that I'm gay. Last week I even put it on Facebook. This was my greatest fear but I've received nothing but love and support. While initially terrifying, this has been a huge relief. Self-love and self-acceptance are the foundations upon which I am now trying to rebuild my life.

Living honestly and with integrity felt strange at first, and there have been hiccups. While remaining porn-free this past year, I've slipped from time to time. I've had a few gay hook ups (most recently last July with a f*ck buddy in Spain) and the occasional wank (about a month ago), but they were ultimately unsatisfying. Doing things that deny self-love or harm my self-esteem always left me with a kind of emotional hangover. So I just stopped the bullsh*t altogether. So where am I today? I'm now growing (or perhaps growing up) at an exponential rate. In the depths of my addiction, I acted like a petulant five-year-old. Now I see the world with all the wonder of a five-year-old and the maturity of a 43-year-old.

I've spent a year not doing someting (porn) and now the challenge is to do something with my recovery...and with the rest of my life really. So my next steps are rebuilding my business which has suffered over the past years, being a better father/provider for my children, developing healthy/happy relationships with those I love, and writing a book about porn addiction. Lots to do my friends! Thank you for reading.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: Leon on October 29, 2015, 08:25:46 AM
Congratulations, Lyon! You truly are an inspiration.

I agree with what you said, that the life we truly want isn't going to happen if we have this life-sucking habit of porn use (and/or masturbation) in our lives.

Keep us all updated as to your further successes.

Peace.
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: Chile on October 29, 2015, 04:01:12 PM
One year! That is amazing my friend. Thank you for all the help and inspiration you have been here. Congratulations on your new life.
Title: Re: 1 YEAR PORN FREE!
Post by: Gracie on November 08, 2015, 07:30:02 AM
Hey Lyon, a bit late here.  BUT  WAY TO GO!  You are an inspiration to all!  You can do this.  I get so proud (must be a mom thing)  when I see the men that succeed in their life transformation.  I love it when they realize it truly is not about the dick.  That the root of the starting is something else.  Some sort of disconnect.  When they work on that, the rest follows.  The recovery is about reconnecting.  Re thinking.  Re discovering what is truly important to you, your private relationship with your hand, or the rest of the world.  I think of it as you can only see a rock  a very tunnel vision rock.  That's it.  Then you start to step back and see the whole flipping Grand Canyon.  And realize that it was there all along.  Woo hoo!
Title: PLEASE KEEP SHARING/ENCOURAGING
Post by: lyon03 on November 21, 2015, 07:28:16 AM
Hey brothers. I recently returned to the forum and noticed fewer and fewer people seem to be posting. Sharing with others and in turn receiving their encouragement was an integral part of my own reboot/recovery. I remember just a year ago posting on this website and then being thrilled someone had posted a reply. As such, I'd encourage you all to keep sharing your stories, welcoming new members, and posting messages of encouragement to fellow rebooters. I'm going to make a point of coming back and sharing every Saturday until the new year. This will hopefully play some small part in helping others recover from this terrible addiction. Although I'm no expert, I'm more than happy to answer any questions you might have about my own experience with rebooting. Currently 388 days porn-free, my life is so much better without this terrible addiction. I look forward to hearing from you or posting on your threads. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION...AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: PLEASE KEEP SHARING/ENCOURAGING
Post by: notgivinup on November 25, 2015, 01:33:30 PM
Hey Lyon....it is always good to read what you share here.

You are right about how our posts help each other. I know that I have been helped so many times by you and others here who have just shared honestly what is going on in their lives.

It helped me know that I was no alone and that I was not crazy. It gave me hope. It still gives me continued hope and strength to read what others are posting.

At times I am reminded of where I was....and to see where my life is now....it just builds more courage, and instills gratitude.

So, my good man, I am so glad you are here.

I look forward to more here with you and others.

Thanks!
NGU
Title: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: lyon03 on December 23, 2015, 04:22:35 PM
Hey nation! I thought it would be fun to re-post my message from exactly a year ago:

"Day 55: Merry Christmas everyone. This will be the first Xmas in a long time that I'm 100% myself. And if others don't like the new me, screw them, life won't end. As long as we live honestly and compassionately, we can do no wrong. I'm off for a family ski vacation. My intention was to post daily but I'm giving myself 4 days off of these boards, my addiction, and my former self. This will be our first family vacation I'm going to be there 100% for my kids and my ex-wife. So happy holidays everyone and I'll check back in December 26th. Thanks for your love and support."

Why am I posting this? I just suggested to a fellow rebooter to review his previous posts. He's struggling (as we all have) and I thought it would be helpful for him to review the patterns of his porn addiction. Looking back at my December posts, I must admit that I talked a big game after just 5-6 weeks porn-free when mentally, I was all over the map. But I did have some pretty profound insights into my own addiction. How did that happen?

I'm sharing this because I can see that my reboot started years before joining the nation and having my current porn-free streak. So I'm no expert my friends. As Leon shared on his excellent thread a few days ago, our reboots seem to have two common parts: recovery from porn addiction (90-120 days); and then a form of life recovery when we have to deal with whatever sh*t led to our initial addiction (a life-long struggle for some). In more practical terms, a year ago I thought I could remain friendly with my ex-wife. How naïve! I'd never go away on holidays with her now. The stress would have me in front of a screen fapping in minutes. It's like trying to lose weight while sitting around eating the exact same diet. To shed those extra pounds, you need to change your diet and get off the couch and exercise. In order to remain porn-free, I had to change my emotional diet otherwise I'd be back at square one. So I have to ask myself: what have I changed to remain off the porn?

One major thing I've done is cut off all unnecessary contact with my ex-wife. While we remain polite and often have friendly discussions about co-parenting our three kids, I've released the ex back into the wild. Now that lovely little tigress can sink her deadly claws into another male victim. Bitter? No. But I am now fully aware that most relationships I had while a porn addict fed my porn addiction. Make no mistake: I was no prize my friends and I made some terrible mistakes like lying and cheating. But being around my ex-wife and her entire f*cked up family brought me nothing but misery. So I've run out of that burning house my friends. Q: Were they kind enough to invite me for Xmas dinner? A: Yes. Q2: Would I consider spending Xmas with the former in-laws? A2: Ummmmm....f*ck no! I'm spending Xmas Eve (tomorrow) with my boyfriend; Xmas morning with my ex-wife and the kids; and then I'm hauling ass to the Alps (I live in Europe) to have Xmas dinner with friends and a few days of skiing. New Years will be spent with a group of fun friends in a nearby castle. Heaven!   

So what's my point? My point is that once I got through the first 120 days of reboot, I then had to start rebooting my life. This continues to this day. If you're stuck in the same sh*tty relationship, at the same sh*t job, and hanging around with the same negative people, you'll be back on the porn eventually. My theory: use the same crap ingredients and you're going to get the same crappy recipe. I've only made it this far because I made a complete break with my past. For me this meant divorcing my ex-wife, no longer seeing her family (unless absolutely necessary), and rebuilding a whole new life. I'm not advocating divorce as a solution for everyone. However, I am suggesting that once the porn fog lifts, you take a hard look at your life and do the heavy lifting to change things. It wasn't easy for me and the struggles continue to this day, but damned if I'm not getting there.

So 2015 was perhaps the most exciting, frustrating, and f*cking b*lls out tough year of my life. But I wouldn't change a thing. And I am eternally grateful to everyone who supported me during the first leg of my journey. I wouldn't have made it without you. I avoided pain for so long through my porn addiction that it was eventually going to catch up with me. And catch up with me it did my friends. So I have no problem bidding au revoir (or perhaps a fond f*ck you) to 2015 while wishing you all the very best for the holidays. Stay off the egg nog!

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: Chile on December 23, 2015, 06:23:23 PM
Good stuff Lyon, and made me laugh too. I know you`re gonna have a great 2016.
Title: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: Leon on December 23, 2015, 09:01:57 PM
(but I like eggnog! especially if there's a little somethin' in there, lol...)

Excellent post, Lyon! I appreciate all that you're saying here. It was for me before that I was just focused on pulling the weeds of porn/masturbation, but now, I'm trying to dig up the whole ground that it was planted and rooted in. It's not easy, but to have our eye, not just on a porn-free life, but on an entirely new life where porn and masturbation just don't have any room, no place. That junk is just not the new us that we're building, or that's emerging.

If our end result (the old end result) was or included porn and masturbation, chances are the entire thing was jacked-up to some degree. It was that way for me. I had dreams, but they were unrealistic, or unattainable, nothing more than wishful thinking. Do I still have a ways to go to achieving my dreams? Sure, but at least I'm moving in the right direction now. It was always the porn, always the acting out that tripped me up. If I was positive for a few days, even hopeful of fulfilling my dreams, I'd fall into habit-land, and everything would be undermined all over again. This went on for years.

No more. Instead of responding to the urges and triggers the same old way, I seek to bond them to a new life, a new self, the ideal me- so that instead of the old patterns of acting out being the 'go to response', now there's a newer pattern of response, one that's healthy, one that says 'No' to the old ways, and looks forward to the new life I'm building.

Merry Christmas, all. And to you, Lyon, looks like you have a fun time planned ahead. Enjoy your holidays.

P.S. Keeping an eye out for any wild and lovely tigresses out there, don't want to become mincemeat.  ;)
Title: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: Patrick on December 24, 2015, 02:25:12 AM
Merry Christmas to you, Lyon! Enjoy your holidays. It's good to have you here with us. Looking forward to a wonderful 2016 with you. Cheers, my friend.
Title: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: avesraggiana on December 24, 2015, 07:55:40 AM
Merry Christmas to you, Lyon03!

Everything you write is so inspiring and so valuable to all.  Thank you for continuing to support us, encourage us and exhort us to stay on the path to healing. You are really a wonderful example to follow.

Much love,

Avesraggiana - *vagina-vagina*
Title: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS NATION
Post by: now-man on December 24, 2015, 02:23:28 PM
Sending you love and gratitude brother. Thanks for your support!
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: lyon03 on December 31, 2015, 12:38:28 AM
Happy New Year nation! I'm up early before work and wanted to wish my fellow rebooters, both new and old, the very best for 2016. In December 2013, I seriously contemplated suicide as a final escape from my problems. While porn wasn't the sole cause of my suicidal thoughts, I used pornography as an escape. Eventually porn was no longer an escape. It was a black hole devouring everything good in my life. When I could no longer run from my problems, I had two choices: kill myself or face the music. I chose the latter and this forum helped me claw back my life. My advice for rebooters: understand that this is a journey, not a destination. As in life, during reboot there will be stumbles, obstacles, frustrations and failures. But keep going. While my counter says 400+ days porn-free, it took me almost three years of stopping and relapsing before my current winning streak. But I kept going. So no matter where you are in your reboot, keep going, keep sharing, and above all keep encouraging others in their journeys. Be well my friends and see you in 2016. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION, AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: Chile on December 31, 2015, 12:55:30 AM
Yours is such an amazing story Lyon. Everyone can relate to it and be inspired by it.
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: avesraggiana on December 31, 2015, 02:03:38 AM
Hey. Lyon03!

Thank you so very much!  HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND ALL YOUR FAMILY!
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: Patrick on December 31, 2015, 04:09:48 AM
Happy New Year, lyon03, and much love to you, your friends, and your family. You have been an invaluable part of my journey to NoFap and NoPMO, thank you! See you in 2016, my friend.
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: Leon on December 31, 2015, 06:12:46 AM
Happy New Year, Lyon. Thank you for your guidance and continued support here in the Nation.

Looking forward to further successes.

Blessings.
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: Feetfirst on January 02, 2016, 05:18:55 AM
Hey Lyon, happy new year to you my friend. Glad to see you thriving and a part of a twelve step programme. I am beginning to work the steps at the moment and it is changing everything for me. The main thing is realising this condition is not about porn. Its about somthing else. Exactly what I have yet to discover but an apparently inherent sense of discontent is definately a part of it. I am in the process of finding the root of this discontent. Last week I opened out some stuff to my group and just burst out crying. I havent cried for years... it was very scary to put myself out there like that and expose some of the detail of my story. But something has changed in me this week since. A certain calm has come over me even though it has been a bit of a rough ride in other aspects of life. Fallout with partner did not result in the same predictable reduction into fantasy m and maybe p. That just didnt happen. Its like the force wasnt there. Of course I know it will return but so long as I keep talking and sharing I keep dissolving the shame that is another driving force behind this addiction. Sorry Lyon didnt want to hijack your post. Wonderful to see you here and bless you. FF
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: lyon03 on January 02, 2016, 07:39:16 AM
Hey FF. Write away brother, this is an open forum and I'm so glad you shared this: "Last week I opened out some stuff to my group and just burst out crying." You've reminded me of something I read in George Collins' book, "Breaking the Cycle." He writes about the addict's original wound. It sounds like you're getting to the real cause of your addiction. I know from experience that this is both painful but incredibly liberating so well done my friend. Keep posting, sharing, and learning. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: Feetfirst on January 03, 2016, 09:14:44 AM
Thanks Lyon,
Just reading through a few of your previous posts. I especially like your comments about making change..."once the porn fog lifts, you take a hard look at your life and do the heavy lifting to change things." Facing my fears and making changes is something I avoid like the plague. So I am impressed with the changes you have made. Well done! That is quite a turn around you have made. Waiting for the Porn fog to rise is very good advice too. We as addicts live in a highly deluded state. A state where clear decision making is difficult at best. But this is always a good time to take stock of where you are going and what you are doing.
Another point I read in your earlier comments where you asked the question "is having sex acting out". One thing that comes up for me and did last night is fantasing about bottom line porn scenes whilst having sex with my partner. Not uncommon of course but not helpful. Whilst it did pep up the sex it left that nasty feeling and a triggered mind. I wonder what peoples advice is on this. Avoid sex for a period of time? I have tried discussing this with my partner but it is too painful for her and doesn't serve anyone in my opinion so I think this time I will find another solution. Suggestions? FF
Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: lyon03 on January 04, 2016, 03:48:36 AM
Thanks for writing FF. In reply: "One thing that comes up for me and did last night is fantasing about bottom line porn scenes whilst having sex with my partner. Not uncommon of course but not helpful. Whilst it did pep up the sex it left that nasty feeling and a triggered mind." In my opinion, fantasies about porn scenes are artificial stimulation and should therefore be avoided. This will happen naturally over time my friend. My personal goal is to remain present with an intimate partner which means enjoying the experience while it's happening, rather than thinking about porn stars having sex. When I was a heavy porn user, my only focus during sex was orgasm. (I liken this to trying to get a full stomach by only smelling food.)  Today over a year porn-free, my sex life now has colours, textures, and sensations that I never thought possible. I actually get quite lost in the experience and now have very powerful and satisfying orgasms. Sometimes I don't orgasm which isn't a problem because I'm still connecting with someone I love and climax is secondary. I think this is why I gave up masturbation. I do masturbate from time to time, maybe once a month, but it's like the sexual equivalent of a Big Mac experience after I've tasted REALLY good food. Masturbation just leaves me feeling queasy and unsatisfied...like a Big Mac really. So what's my point? My point is your porn-influenced mind has grown accustomed to 'fast food' sex. Quick and easy but ultimately unsatisfying. Once you have experienced true intimacy with all of its eye contact, laughs, kissing, and touch, the porn fantasies will likely just melt away. You won't need them anymore. There is something that helped me during my initial recovery: massage. I wanted to experience intimacy with my partner but without my obsessive focus on orgasms. So I started giving my boyfriend massages. I'd try the same with your wife FF. It's a great way to reconnect and be intimate but without all of the porn-like focus on boners and orgasms. I hope that helps my friend. Be well. PORN (FANTASIES) ARE NOT AN OPTION. 

 


Title: Re: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Post by: R on January 04, 2016, 07:17:17 AM
Well put Lyon,
R
Title: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on January 06, 2016, 02:59:13 AM
Good morning nation! I've learned something that may be helpful to my fellow porn addicts. I've recently been diagnosed with adult attention deficit disorder ("ADD"). Allow me to explain. While it appears that I've tamed the porn addiction and regained a degree of control over my emotions, for the past year I have tried and repeatedly failed to concentrate - particularly concentrating on work. I could write that I'm trying to re-learn concentration, however, I've never really been able to focus.

Since childhood I have always been all over the map as far as being able to concentrate. I never believed in ADD, would have yelled 'bullsh*t' if someone mentioned adult ADD, and would have laughed if someone mentioned taking medication for it. But then again, I only admitted over a year ago that I was a porn addict. I am currently in a 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org) and applied the steps to my work/attention/discipline problem: acknowledge the problem; admit I'm losing the battle; learn as much as I can; reach out for help; develop a plan; and then get a buddy to remain accountable. (These are also valuable lessons I learned through Rebootnation.)

While I have largely tamed the porn addiction, I nevertheless found myself obsessively checking porn-reboot websites, watching YouTube videos, and reading news sites. I was clicking, searching, and generally spending a lot of time online in a g-rated version of my porn addiction. Two books changed my perspective, and perhaps my life: "Cyber Junkie" by Kevin Roberts and "Delivered from Distraction" by Hallowell/Ratey. I read the former because I was clearly an internet addict. But the book mainly dealt with game addictions in teens or young men but there was an enlightening chapter about ADD. I then read the second book and had my Oprah-like 'aha' moment. The book described me to a t. For example, I am the person who frantically looks for his cellphone while I'm on a call...on my cellphone!

Armed with a self-diagnosis, I then sought out professional help, did a 128-question ADD test, scored astonishingly high, and got medication for my ADD. Recently I sought out help from a professional who specializes in coaching ADD which should also be helpful. I did a test run with the ADD medication last Saturday. I am the furthest thing from a pill popper so this was quite an adjustment for me. I was raised by a mom completely against medication. We also had a cheaper-than-f*ck Scottish doctor who never prescribed anything unless we were at death's door, "You're fine..." he'd always say in his thick Highlands Brogue. But within 15 minutes of (very reluctantly) taking my first little pink pill last Saturday, it was as if someone had shut off the radio static in my brain. It was life-changing.

I then spent the day doing domestic chores and general sh*t around my apartment that I'd put off for years. Why am I sharing this? I've since learned that most people suffering from ADD tend to develop addictions. In my case, my brain is simply wired differently so that I lack impulse control. I see it this way: there are people who are just genetically wired to be heavy or thin. A fat person will only exacerbate the problem by eating junk food, sitting on the couch, and generally being lethargic. This is how I see my brain. I fed an already undisciplined brain a steady diet of junky porn. The decades of seeking, clicking, and generally darting around the internet destroyed what little concentration/discipline I already had. I am now trying to rebuild it. And as we all know going back to the gym is a b*tch! But, like losing weight, my concentration problems aren't going away overnight although I hoped for a miracle. It's going to take a steady diet of healthy internet use, discipline, scheduling, and a lot of sweat to get my brain back in fighting form. This is where I am today my friends. If my story can help just one other person, then I'm a happy man.

And so begins another chapter of my recovery....F********CK! I sooooooo wanted things to just instantly get better without porn...like taking some magic potion. But that's not how life works my friends. Porn was just one part of my recovery and this is another. So while I'm frustrated, I've walked this walk before and know I'll overcome this issue...and the next. What's great about reboot is the lessons about humility, acceptance, honesty, community, and accountability are also life lessons. I'll likely post from time to time about this latest development and please feel free to message me or simply post here if you have any insights/questions/comments. Thanks for reading! Be well my friends. PORN/ADD ARE NOT OPTIONS.
Title: Re: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: Leon on January 06, 2016, 11:16:09 AM
Thanks for sharing, Lyon.

The good news in all of this is that you have overcome in the area of porn addiction, and so you have a powerful incentive to not let all that be lost to this new situation (ADD). You also have a powerful accomplishment that should give you ample courage and determination to see any other issue through.

You can do this, as you've also done the other. We're with you each step in your journey.
Title: Re: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: now-man on January 06, 2016, 09:47:04 PM
Thanks for sharing yourself Lyon. You are an inspiration and you create a lot of freedom for others to share themselves honestly. The mind loves to think that "everything will be just perfect if only ______ happens." (Fill in the blank.) It's a future trip that can never do the trick. In real life there's only today, and it may just be good enough. Look how far you've come - amazing. Love to see how you keep going! Grateful for you Lyon :)
Title: Re: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: Patrick on January 07, 2016, 03:22:24 AM
Hey lyon03, amazing post. I recently saw the new Rocky movie "Creed," and there's this corny line "One step at a time, one punch at a time." But isn't it so true? What you've found out may be a bummer, and didn't you react wisely? Your innate wisdom has shown you a way to tackle this problem, and wisdom sometimes gives you very hands-on advice that seems far-fetched, uncomfortable, and non-miraculous. On the other hand it's a miracle that there are people who can help you with this, and even medication to go along with it. Maybe you know this guy from Tedx who was born without arms and legs, Nick Vujicic. He wanted to commit suicide when he was 10 by throwing himself into a shallow ditch to drown himself. Today, he's a much sought-after inspirational speaker, has fathered a child and is married. I'm sure he couldn't have gone very far by wishing that things would be so much better if only...he had arms and legs! Just as now-man wrote we must live in the present, and if we can't because we think too much, acknowledge it and come back to what our present-moment wisdom tells us. In your case, it was admitting that taking medication could be a smart move. Well done, my friend! We're all in this game called life together, and everybody who lives and breathes goes through ups and downs, discovering along the way that we're all the same. Our battles are won in our heads and our hearts. Nothing in the outside world can throw me off-balance, only how I think about it. (I'm not saying that it's easy to live with your condition. This post is written with respect and love in mind.) Thanks for sharing, brother. I appreciate your honesty.
Title: Re: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: avesraggiana on January 11, 2016, 01:42:55 AM
Thank you for sharing Lyon03.  I hope many more guys read your most recent post and offer you the same support and encouragement that you have so freely given to so many other over the last few years.

It’ll be a tremendous loss to all of us when your ADD condition is reduced to a manageable level.  It’ll probably mean that you’ll not be on websites like this as often as you used to.  Which is of course a wonderful sign of recovery for you.  Already I’ve noticed that in the last few weeks since my return to Reboot Nation, your posts are not turning up with anywhere near as much frequency as they did when I first joined well over a year ago.  And that’s a GREAT thing!  Even before being diagnosed with Adult-ADD it seems as though you were already managing your impulses and your time. 

I often wonder, why is it that guys like us are stuck with all this work?  All this heavy lifting?  Why do we have to be the ones always “Working on ourselves”, and “Processing our baggage” and, “Dealing with our shit”,  and engaging in countless hours of self-reflection, otherwise known as navel gazing?  Why can’t we just be like all the millions of guys around the world, who wake up every morning, completely oblivious to all these conditions, or that they have a condition of any kind, and just go to work, hit the pub after work, go home, have dinner, screw the wife or girlfriend or boyfriend, and then go to sleep?

The answer of course is, if we don’t do it, who will?

Thank you for letting me rant on your page, and I hope that you’ll very soon no longer feel the need for medication to help you manage your Adult-ADD.


Title: Re: AN UPDATE AT 435 DAYS
Post by: notgivinup on January 11, 2016, 01:21:40 PM
Hey Lyon...thanks for all you have shared about your discoveries with ADD. I really appreciate your honesty. It is a process on many levels.

Thank you.
Title: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: lyon03 on January 28, 2016, 08:02:20 AM
Today I turn 44. Unlike most of my family and friends, I'm thrilled to be getting older. My teens, 20s, and 30s, were a miserable cocktail of porn/masturbation addiction and hiding my homosexuality. Now out of the closet and 450+ days porn-free, I feel alive for the first time in I don't know how long. This is a short post my friends as I have to get back to work. I'd like to thank the many members who have supported me over the past 14 months. This forum and its many kind, caring, and accepting rebooters helped me re-learn the value of community, honesty and accountability. Time and time again you've given me the best birthday presents ever - your love and support. My reboot started with the goal of having stronger boners and porn-like orgasms. How superficial those goals seem today. Over the past year I've learned that beating porn addiction is so much more. As many of you have shared, it's really a life reboot. For the first time in almost 40 years, I feel alive again. I am both thrilled and humbled by this experience. So thank you, thank you, thank you! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: Leon on January 28, 2016, 09:32:35 AM
Happy birthday, Lyon! It's great to see you looking forward to life on the other side of addiction.

You are an example that this can, and ought to be done- we're all worth it.

Blessings.
Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: Patrick on January 28, 2016, 11:31:32 AM
Happy Birthday, Lyon!! It's always wonderful to read your posts and I feel blessed that you are a part of the Nation. Many happy days to you and those close to you.
Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: now-man on January 28, 2016, 01:24:44 PM
So grateful for you Lyon! Thank you for your enthusiasm, honesty, vulnerability, courage, generosity, humor and intelligence! You are an amazing man and I love having you be a part of my life. Thank you for all the love and support you give others. Happy Birthday Brother!!
Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: Chile on January 28, 2016, 04:17:26 PM
Happy birthday Lyon! You are greatly loved. Thank you for everything you have shared here, for putting such clear words to the struggle and the prize.
Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: avesraggiana on January 28, 2016, 05:30:19 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LYON03!!!!

May you always be healthy, happy and loved.

Title: Re: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Post by: lyon03 on January 30, 2016, 04:06:12 AM
Thank you so much my friends. What do I want for my birthday? I want all of you to keep sharing and encouraging others. Community, honesty and accountability are formidable tools helping us beat our porn addictions. It wasn't until I started sharing about my addiction and encouraging others that I truly understood how porn had no place in my life. So let's get another day porn-free friends. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on February 08, 2016, 09:07:34 AM
Good morning nation. I'm happy to see the boards come alive again. While it's always painful to read about so many people suffering from dopamine addiction, I'm thrilled to follow so many journeys of learning and healing. I woke up this morning having realized something about my own journey that I wanted to share. So here is a brief update. The first thing I want to share is that I'm not addicted to porn, masturbation, nor orgasm (PMO). My real addiction is to the neurochemical dopamine. And I got my dopamine through screen stimulation or in my case porn. [If you don't know what I'm writing about, please get a copy of "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson.] PMO was nothing but the syringe (or conduit), dopamine was my heroin. I'll explain why this is important later. My second realization is that I'm an addict. Period. After a deep conversation with my mother last week, I learned that I'm from a long line of alcoholics and manic depressives on my mother's side. So a combination of genes, brain chemistry, and my past history resulted in my addiction to dopamine. But I could have just as easily become addicted to drugs or alcohol. In brief, I used addiction and addictive habits to try to fix something in myself. An alcoholic needs a daily drink to feel 'normal' and I needed ever increasing amounts of dopamine to feel normal. The third thing I've learned about myself is that I have a lifelong and chronic condition. My propensity for addiction and addictive habits are like diabetes or obesity. And like diabetes or obesity, every day I have to be vigilant to avoid falling off the wagon.

I know what you're probably thinking: "Ok Oprah, so what the f*ck does this mean for me?" Let me explain by recapping my points again:

1. I am addicted to the neurochemical dopamine. PMO was simply how I got my daily dopamine fix.
2. I am an addict. Addiction is in my genes, my family, and my brain.
3. My addictive tendencies are like lifelong and chronic problems (like diabetes or obesity) and it takes daily effort for me to control them. 

What this means for the new rebooter or someone who continues to relapse is as follows.

First, you need to start by defining how you get your dopamine hit. We have to accept that dopamine is the culprit and now it has to be eliminated. The welcome section on this website explains it beautifully: "Reboot is a complete rest from artificial sexual stimulation." I'd expand that to read "artificial dopamine stimulation." I wish I had started my reboot with the following exercise: "Reboot/recovery for me means __________________. I get my dopamine high from the following: _______________________ and will now stop these habits forever starting today." I've read too many threads where the rebooter gives up porn, but still masturbates compulsively (dopamine hit). Another long-term member gave up pornography but still edges "but not to orgasm" (dopamine hit). Yes you can give up porn but you're still getting a dopamine hit if you're gaming for hours every day (dopamine hit). You're getting your dopamine when scrolling through hook up applications on your phone. I myself gave up porn but could still look at dirty Tumblr photos or fleshy Facebook pics (dopamine hit). See a pattern? Once I understood that all of these gave me a dopamine hit, I could then stop. And unless you stop the artificial dopamine stimulation, your d*ck isn't going to get hard naturally (i.e. with another human being) again. As I've often written, the alcoholic doesn't beat the addiction by switching to lite beer. That's still addiction.

This second step is highly personal and may not apply to everyone. My second (and hardest step) was to accept I was born an addict, forgive myself, and get on with my life. There is a term in Alcoholics Anonymous that describes me perfectly: 'dry drunk.' While I had stopped my active addiction, I was still thinking and acting like a dopamine addict. And addicts like me think they're worthless. Overcoming the guilt, shame, and burning self-hatred that resulted in my addiction was the hardest part of my reboot. And while it's getting easier, the struggle continues today. So what does this mean for you? Your reboot will likely have two parts: overcoming the addiction (for me 90-120 days) and then a much more challenging phase where you have to reboot your brain to stop thinking like an addict. A book called "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins really helped me stop thinking like an addict. There are many other helpful books but "Breaking the Cycle" in particular helped me think of my addiction as a separate part of myself rather than hard-wired.

The third step is where I am today. I've accepted that my dopamine addiction is lifelong: akin to chronic obesity. Some people are just genetically predisposed to be heavy and I'm predisposed to addiction. I wrongly thought that my own addiction could be 'cured' but given my family history, this isn't possible. F*CK! So like someone battling obesity who changes his/her lifestyle, I too need to do things every day to keep from relapsing. I have to accept that my brain, my way of thinking, my self-image, and my habits all resulted in my (dopamine) addiction. So I'm working hard every day to be a different person and act differently. "First thought wrong" is a great tool that I learned from "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I'm not going to lie, it's a lot of f*cking work. Long-term recovery is hardest because a relapse starts so innocently. It starts with the wrong choice. Like the heavy person who sneaks a Twinkie, I need only watch the wrong video on YouTube or just 'have a quick fap' to get the dopamine firing in my brain again. And unless I accept the mistake and correct myself, difficult for someone who hid a shameful habit and felt like sh*t for over 20 years, I know I'll relapse. In my own experience, long-term recovery was only possible following divorce, changing my lifestyle, cutting out toxic people from my life, and healthy living.

So this is where I am today my friends. While my journey may differ from yours, we're all just trying to overcome addiction to better our lives.  I hope my post helps someone out there in cyberspace. Hit me up via a reply post or private message if you have any questions. I'm no expert and many have more days PMO-free than me, but I'm always happy to share my reboot experience. Be well my friends. PORN/DOPAMINE ARE NOT OPTIONS.     
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: Phase2 on February 08, 2016, 09:58:50 AM
That's a great post Lyon. Thanks for staying involved. I've been at this for 14 months and that was the first time I've thought of this process in a new way, from a different angle. It may prove very helpful as I've been good at ending porn use and masturbation, but maybe not so aware or successful of taking the next steps to ending PIED.

Ultimately it's all about ending PIED for good. Does this mean going to the gym is a bad dopamine fix? Not sure what steps to take next, but will look for Breaking the Cycle on amazon. I need to think about this post. Cheers.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: now-man on February 08, 2016, 03:32:11 PM
Fantastic post Lyon, as always. Thank you for the depth of your work. It's clear what a difference you've made in your own life, we can never know how much of a difference you've made for so many of the rest of us.

You said: I wish I had started my reboot with the following exercise: "Reboot/recovery for me means __________________." I'm curious how you would have filled in that blank. I imagine it might have been a different statement at the start of your reboot than it would be later. You've asked me to consider that question, and I think it's evolving. Still I find it hard to pin down.

Congratulations on all the hard work, and living your real life. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging me.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on February 08, 2016, 04:06:35 PM
Thanks boys for your posts. Now-Man you've asked an excellent question...and a tough question to answer. Here is how I would have answered these questions in early reboot and now today:

==============================================================================

Day 1 of my reboot (Oct29-14): Reboot/recovery for me means regaining full d*ck function, having great sex, and powerful orgasms. I get my dopamine high from the following: online porn. And I will now stop this habit forever starting today.

After 467 days of reboot (Feb08-16): Reboot/recovery for me means loving myself unconditionally, being my true self, and surrounding myself with kind, caring, and loving people. I can only accomplish these things and attain my life goals while addiction-free. I get my dopamine high from the following:

1. Any artificial screen stimulation, mainly porn, but also from darting around YouTube, and Facebook.
2. Meaningless 'hook up' sex with strangers.
3. Edging/masturbation.
4. Fleshy television
5. Creating chaotic 'life or death' situations in my life.
6. Conflict & confrontation.

And I will now stop these habits forever.

===============================================================================

Wow thanks for asking that Now-Man because I hadn't really thought to properly define my own reboot/recovery. I've learned something today my friend. Thanks to both of you for your love and support.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: harry on February 08, 2016, 10:02:54 PM
Thanks for the excellent post, lyon. You've convinced me that some of the things I perceive as being basically harmless, are still giving me little hits of dopamine. If I add them up over the course of the day, it amounts to something that is ultimately slowing my recovery.

I really appreciate the before and after picture that now-man prompted you to write. A great perspective on your journey, and it is helpful to me as I struggle to find my way.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on February 09, 2016, 01:11:22 AM
Thanks for your kind post Harry. A rebooter recently asked me this question via private message:

Q: I'm just curious what you recommend about masturbation? Like I'm going hard mode for 60 days, do you think I should keep my hands off after that too or what?

A: That depends on how you define your reboot/recovery my friend. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having sex with your hand or with a meaningful partner? I was addicted to both porn and masturbation, and both were giving me my daily dopamine hits. Over the last year I've stopped both porn and, more recently, masturbation. Let's be clear that our addiction is to dopamine and we get our dopamine fix through repeating pleasurable experiences. But what exactly is dopamine? Gary Wilson writes in "Your Brain on Porn":

"Primitive circuits in the brain govern emotions, drives, impulses, and subconscious decision making. They do their jobs so efficiently that evolution hasn't seen the need to change them much since before humans were human. The desire and motivation to pursue sex arises from a neurochemical called dopamine. Dopamine amps up the centrepiece of a primitive part of the brain known as the reward circuitry. It's where you experience cravings and pleasure. This ancient reward circuitry compels you to do the things that further your survival and pass on your genes. At the top of our human reward list are food, sex, love, friendship, and novelty. The bigger the [dopamine] squirt the more you want something."

So let's be clear that we're still getting a dopamine fix from masturbation, even without porn. Now I have to come clean and admit that I probably masturbate about once every 5-6 weeks and it usually happens after I've had sex with my boyfriend. This is often defined as the 'chaser effect.' To me 'chaser' means that I feel highly sexual after orgasm with a partner and feel the need to masturbate. But even that need is diminishing and I'll likely stop in the next few months which probably signals my reboot nearly complete.

But getting back to your question:  "What do you recommend about masturbation?"

I believe your reboot has to begin with a goal (or goals) in mind. If you want to meet the love of your life and have great sex or perhaps reconnect with a long-term partner, masturbation does nothing to help you achieve these goals. So I believe every reboot must start with the hard 90 (or in my case it was a hard 120). That means no porn and no masturbation for at least three months. Your brain will then start to rebalance without the masturbation-induced dopamine squirt. I also believe that compulsive masturbation lowered my impulse control, it isolated me, and it diminished my natural drive for sex with a real partner. I've often shared that no one ever died because he/she didn't masturbate. But let's look at the benefits of no-fap. In my case, when I stopped daily masturbation I had much stronger erections and my sex drive went through the roof. I exercise a lot and also found that my muscle mass increased, perhaps because I had more testosterone although I'm not 100% sure of that. Another benefit of no-fap was that I found myself naturally more attractive to other people. I'm gay but I found that I was engaging more with both men and women as I just came across as more masculine/attractive. Now 450+ days into reboot, compared to real intimacy with all of the eye contact, smiles, kissing etc., I find masturbation mechanical, boring, and ultimately unsatisfying. I hope that answered your question brother. If not, please feel free to message me again.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: Leon on February 09, 2016, 09:16:56 AM
You've convinced me that some of the things I perceive as being basically harmless, are still giving me little hits of dopamine. 

Just wished to comment on this particular statement. Nothing intended as a commentary on Lyon's detailed posts.

But, dopamine is a normal chemical in our brain that acts as a neurotransmitter, which is produced as part of our natural reward system. Seeing a sunset releases dopamine, seeing our loved one smile at us releases dopamine, enjoying an excellent meal does the same.

The issue being zero'd in on here at RN is the flooding of our reward system with too much dopamine and damaging our dopamine receptors, which occurs through addiction- particularly porn/masturbation addiction.

Just a little clarification, so dopamine itself isn't portrayed as the 'bad guy'.

Carry on...  :)
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: Feetfirst on February 17, 2016, 01:39:59 AM
Fantastic posts Lyon. Thank you for taking to lay it out with such clarity. You have been a tower of stength in my recovery and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. Best. FF
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 467 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on February 17, 2016, 06:07:13 PM
Thanks so much FF. I'm humbled and perhaps a little scared (if I'm being honest) that I've helped/inspired others. For too long I thought I was a lost cause because of this addiction. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 483 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on February 24, 2016, 03:50:51 AM
Good morning nation. I just read a post on Harry's thread that motivated me to share something myself. If you're struggling with reboot and relapse, this may help you. It probably took me about 6 months to fully understand that I was undertaking a lifestyle reboot rather than simply abstaining or not watching porn. Fellow rebooters Harry and now_man made some excellent points and have figured out an integral part of long term reboot much earlier than I did - so bravo! I wanted to share two video links that provide a similar message. Both are g-rated so no trigger alerts:

https://youtu.be/ao8L-0nSYzg (short version)
https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs (longer version TED talk)

Here is the theory: "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." The ideas expressed in these two videos are similar to what they'd shared in their links (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0). The link is to an excellent post by The Underdog on 'Your Brain Rebalanced.' The message is I believe the same as what's shared in the above Youtube links. Like rats in caged drug experiments, writer and TED-talk speaker Johann Hari believes that our problems aren't all because of drugs, or in my case porn/screen/sex addiction, my problems were because of my cage.   

Let me restate that in a more practical way: we are addicts because our lives aren't fulfilling us. So we find things to compensate for a lack of happiness and fulfillment. If as Harry shared we concentrate TODAY on setting goals, diligently working towards them, and building meaningful relationships, we will no longer need our drug(s) of choice. This seems to be my experience as well.

My cage was more of a closet. I hid my homosexuality from myself and others and initially used porn as my only gay sexual outlet. I now know that long-term recovery wouldn't be possible unless I fundamentally changed my life. I spent the better part of 20 years building myself a cage that trapped me in my addictions. And freedom from the cage of porn and sex addictions was only possible if I broke free. This meant changing my life. This meant doing the hard work of confronting my demons, coming out, divorcing, and building new (positive) connections with people who were like me or who at least represented who I wanted to be. While there are still challenges and I often feel the urge to go back to my old ways (or my old cage), that life of guilt, shame, lies, and addiction offers me very little these days. In brief, I'm no longer that unhappy rat so I no longer pine for my sad/unhappy cage. I'm now more of a rainbow-farting unicorn!

Thanks for sharing all of this gents. I learn something every day from Reboot Nation so please keep sharing and encouraging others everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: UPDATE AT 495 DAYS
Post by: lyon03 on March 07, 2016, 05:48:21 AM
Good morning gents. I'm writing with an update at day 495. Quite honestly, I can't believe I'm closing in on 500 days. (When I first started posting here, I was in Elvis-like awe of anyone who had more than 100 days.) For those of you who are struggling, keep going my friends. I tried and failed for over 20 years before quitting porn (for good I hope) on October 29, 2014. Before my current reboot, I couldn't go three minutes without a screen fix. I know because I timed it.

Yesterday I had a run in with my ex-wife and I've decided to write about it. I'm sharing this because I'm learning that addiction is more than just porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling etc. It's more than just the drug or bad habit. As an addict, I built an entire existence around my addiction and addictive personality. We also have relationships that either feed or enable our addictions. I think this is why Alcoholics Anonymous speaks about alcoholism being a 'family sickness' and not just about the alcoholic. As a closeted gay man, I have accepted that I carefully chose a partner who would keep my secret. Back before Christmas I shared the following:

"One major thing I've done is cut off all unnecessary contact with my ex-wife. While we remain polite and often have friendly discussions about co-parenting our three kids, I've released the ex back into the wild. Now that lovely little tigress can sink her deadly claws into another male victim. Bitter? No. But I am now fully aware that most relationships I had while a porn addict fed my porn addiction. Make no mistake: I was no prize my friends and I made some terrible mistakes like lying and cheating. But being around my ex-wife and her entire f*cked up family brought me nothing but misery. So I've run out of that burning house my friends. Q: Were they kind enough to invite me for Xmas dinner? A: Yes. Q2: Would I consider spending Xmas with the former in-laws? A2: Ummmmm....f*ck no! I'm spending Xmas Eve (tomorrow) with my boyfriend; Xmas morning with my ex-wife and the kids; and then I'm hauling ass to the Alps (I live in Europe) to have Xmas dinner with friends and a few days of skiing. New Years will be spent with a group of fun friends in a nearby castle. Heaven!"

There is a pattern to my reboot. I realized on my first day of reboot (Oct29-14) that porn was killing me and decided to stop. But it took several weeks to feel withdrawal, even longer to relearn a degree of control over my emotions, and it's taken me over a year to weed out toxic relationships that fed my addiction. This applies to my former wife. While I wrote the above just over two months ago, it's only starting to work now.

Ours was a very volatile and complicated marriage. I was the closeted narcissistic husband, pretending to be straight (and failing rather miserably at it). She was the co-dependent victim trying to save my soul with love and prayer. I lived for myself, and she lived for me. It was a match made in hell and not an uncommon union when one spouse is an addict. I now know that freedom from porn would have been impossible without addressing the true cause of my addiction: denying my homosexuality. I used porn as my only gay sexual outlet but when porn wasn't enough I started to have sex with men...lots of men really. My point is this: once I came out, lived openly, and found happiness, my need for porn simply died off. And my need for toxic relationships also died off.

I soon separated, divorced, and met my current boyfriend. I no longer needed a wife as 'cover' but on a more fundamental level I no longer needed relationships based on lies or a false self. My ex-wife claims to still love me. That puzzles me because she always knew I was gay and that's not love. I think she was more in love with the idea of healing someone. That was until I grew rainbow wings and flew the f*ck away. But my departure left my ex-wife with a dilemma. She needed a husband to save and I was no longer there. Not unlike the former porn addict who uses porn-subs or who edges, having friendly contact with her was just enough to maintain our former narcissist/co-dependent relationship. But the telltale signs of a toxic relationship where there. Every interaction I had with her left my head spinning. She constantly made me feel guilty and ashamed. She also displayed the worst kind of homosexual bigotry: manipulative caring. I remember robotically agreeing with her when she kindly cautioned me about introducing my kids to any gay friends: "You know because of the risk." I was mouthing the words "sure" when I stopped myself and said: "Wait! Did you just say that all gay men are pedophiles?" She backed off but I can see that over the past year, she rather effortlessly got to me to agree to not have visitation with my kids, "Just while you're working things out..." and every time I tried to assert myself there were little tweaks and changes to suit her. While I figured out our whole relationship was toxic last December, it's taken me the better part of two months to take action.

I've now gotten fixed visitation with the kids. I cut off all (unnecessary) contact with her. We now have short businesslike conversations which remain both friendly and polite. I'm not doing this to be cruel nor manipulative. I'm doing to this to live happily and porn-free. But even in the these short 15-minute child exchanges, she gets in a few zingers that f*ck with my head. She's actually quite the magician and I've stopped seeing her as a poor divorced victim and I've started seeing her as quite the skilled manipulator. Yesterday while dropping off the kids I was prepared. She threw everything at me: guilt, shame, money problems (false because she's well taken care of), even veiled homophobia. And when those didn't work, things quickly started escalating. I'd just left when minutes later she started calling, then texts, and last night two essay-length emails about how I'm failing as a father. My gay friends who have divorced ex-wives warned me this was coming but I denied it.

Why am I sharing this and how does this help the rebooter? First, I'm sharing this to get my emotions out there. My only emotional coping mechanism was porn but now I have an entire community of loving and honest people who help me process things. So if you're feeling it, accept that while in early reboot you probably can't properly process the emotions so share it here, or share it with non-judgmental friends or a professional. As a porn addict, I cannot process negative emotions and reboot gave me a new and more honest way to address them. Second, reboot isn't possible unless you deal with its root cause. In my case, freedom from addiction would be impossible unless I accepted my homosexuality and, more importantly, accepted the hard choices (like divorce) necessary to be my authentic self. To deny the true cause of our addiction means relapse. Third, I had to accept that certain relationships fed my addiction...either directly or indirectly. I also had to accept that my porn-goggle way of seeing people was often wrong. I now see people for who they are...warts and all.

I've often shared that my addiction is an iceberg. Just the porn & sex addictions were visible. The remaining 9/10ths of the problem: the emotions, relationships, and painful memories were below the surface. I do hope to one day have a friendly relationship with my ex-wife. But I have to accept that for now, we haven't healed enough to allow me to continue pretending. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. Be well, keep supporting each other, and keep fighting porn addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: UPDATE AT 495 DAYS
Post by: Chile on March 07, 2016, 05:20:04 PM
Always great to hear from you Lyon! Ending toxic relationships is crucial. I unfriended a "friend" on Facebook recently and it has made my life noticeably lighter. I can't believe it took me years to start learning what toxic relationships were and why it was necessary to cut them out of my life completely.
Title: Re: 500 F*CKING DAYS!!
Post by: lyon03 on March 11, 2016, 06:15:02 PM
Thanks Chile. Always great hearing from you. It's now midnight in Europe and this marks 500 days since my last PMO. (The exact last day I watched porn was October 29, 2014.) I am humbled. Mine was a 20-year porn habit that almost killed me. In fact, it would have absolutely killed me had I not joined a 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org) and then Rebootnation. Here is my first post on November 21, 2014:

"Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others."

I'm not sure what exactly I can share that I haven't already shared in my many many posts but here goes. I'm going to write a few things that I wish I'd known back in October 2014.

1. This isn't about your d*ck, it's about your brain:

Like most porn addicts, I wanted to get my mojo back. Decades of porn abuse left me with severe erectile dysfunction. While I started my reboot because I wanted a stiff penis and explosive orgasms, I failed to realize that wanting these things was just an extension of my addiction. I've come to learn that I wasn't healing the flesh, but more mind and soul.

2. Porn isn't the addiction, dopamine is:

Through reading books like "Your Brain on Porn", I learned about my true addiction: dopamine. Learning about my true enemy better equipped me to overcome how I got my dopamine fix through screen stimulation. Understanding the science of my addiction was an integral step. Had I gotten bogged down in the morality of my addiction, I would have relapsed due to a toxic cocktail of guilt and shame.

3. I used addiction to avoid pain:

I believe that anyone who suffers from long-term addiction like I have has deeper problems than just jerking to a computer screen. That seems so obvious now but I didn't grasp that at the start of my reboot. Just like a cough can be symptomatic of lung cancer, my porn addiction was due to deeper problems. I've detailed these issues in this thread but there was no way I could prepare myself for the ordeals that I went through without my drug of choice: dopamine.

4. This isn't a reboot from addiction, it's a life reboot:

I think of my life as a table with a very delicate table setting on top. And the life I'd created had addiction as one of its legs. Without that leg, everything came crashing down. Without porn propping things up, family and career were just two of the shattered things I had to glue back together. I now see that my life wasn't ruined because of addiction, but rather than addiction was the inevitable coping mechanism for my ruined life. Without porn, I had to put myself and my life back together. It was necessary but damn if it wasn't pretty.

5. Get ready. This is a life-long commitment:

When I started this process, I naively thought I'd stop PMO for about 100 days, then SHE-BANG my life would be perfect. WRONG! It took me decades to dig this hole. And at the bottom of that deep hole, I simply installed a computer, chair, and lube for a thrice-daily tug to porn. Once I stopped the porn, guess what? I was still at the bottom of a really f*cking deep hole. It took me a relatively short period of time to overcome the porn addiction, but it's going to take me many years to change the broken thought process, bad habits, toxic relationships, and secondary addictions that resulted in my dopamine addiction. I'm getting there but porn addiction is a bit like a dysfunctional family: yes I can get away but this will always be a part of me. And like a f*cked up family, there will always be some reason to go back and try again. Just this past week I was tested by some family issues and I could feel myself inexorably going down the path to a relapse. Thankfully I've resisted because I've learned a different way of thinking and acting. But a two-decade-long habit doesn't die easily.

The above are all fairly clinical and perhaps a wee bit introspective so let's focus on something more practical. Through some exchanges with another rebooter, I'd urge everyone starting their journey or re-starting after a relapse to begin with the end in mind. That means completing the following sentence threads:

1. "Reboot/recovery for me means..."
2. "The root cause of my addiction is...."
3. "I get a dopamine high from..."
4. "Before relapsing, I start to feel..."
5. "The conditions that lead to relapse are always..."
6. "My safety plan before a relapse will now be..."

And here were my answers:

1. Reboot/recovery for me means loving myself unconditionally, being my true self, and surrounding myself with kind, caring, and loving people. I can only accomplish these things and attain my life goals while addiction-free.

2. The root cause of my addiction is poor self-esteem and a burning self-hatred.

3. I get my dopamine high from the following:

a. Any artificial screen stimulation, mainly porn, but also from darting around YouTube, and Facebook.
b. Meaningless 'hook up' sex with strangers.
c. Edging/masturbation.
d. Fleshy and mindless television
e. Creating chaotic 'life or death' situations in my life.
f. Conflict & confrontation.

4. Before relapsing, I always started to feel: stressed, angry, frustrated, worthless, and ashamed. I rarely felt horny before abusing porn.

5. The conditions when I relapsed were almost always when I was alone and online, particularly in the evenings. My relapses would start with some mindless web searching, then risky still photos, then I'd automatically type in a porn-tube website and click away.

6. My safety plan before I feel triggered or about to relapse is to fully accept when I'm feeling negative emotions like stress, anger, frustration etc. I share these feelings openly and honestly with this forum. Then I call members of my recovery network to work through them.

I want to thank the kind members of RN for supporting me these past 500 days. I couldn't have made it this far without you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And yes my friends...PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
Post by: now-man on March 11, 2016, 07:08:07 PM
Amazing Lyon!!

Thank you for your clear summary of an intense process. Thank you for your always kind, heartfelt, honest and respectful support to the men in this forum. Thank you for your joyous enthusiasm. Thank you for being a living example of self examination and self love.

You are a gift to us, and your reward, clearly, is the life you are living, true to yourself. 500 days is a beautiful symbol of that!!

Love to you brother!  :)
Title: Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
Post by: Robert2.0 on March 11, 2016, 09:47:37 PM
Lyon,
First, let me congratulate you on your wonderful accomplishment. I will be posting a similar message in 480 days. Thank you for sharing all your insightful thoughts with us. I am positive your words have helped many members along your journey.

This road we are on can be dangerous at times, and it is members like you who let others know, see it can be done. Hear is my hand, I will help and guide you, I will share what I am learning along the way. My thanks to you and all the members here who are willing to reach out to all with information, guidance, and encouragement.

We can do this!
Title: Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
Post by: harry on March 12, 2016, 12:19:28 AM
Congrats on the monumental achievement, Lyon!!!

Who's a better role model than you? I want to echo the thanks from all the men who have benefited from the wisdom of your words and your amazing journey.

It is really wonderful that you stay so connected to the forum; to continue showing us the way and saving us from the missteps you encountered along your path. You inspire us to strive and thrive.
Title: Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
Post by: Patrick on March 13, 2016, 03:12:15 AM
Congratulations, lyon! This is awesome. Thank you for your wisdom, love, encouragement, and inspiring posts. Here's to many more P free days :)
Title: Re: 500 DAY UPDATE!!
Post by: avesraggiana on March 13, 2016, 08:01:35 PM
I cannot add to or improve on all the well-deserved kudos that you've received. 

Your work, your failures and your successes, and everything you tell us about them have been truly a blessing and an inspiration, Lyon03.

I'm just grateful that you continue to to participate in this forum, to share your thoughts and your wisdom.

Much love always,
Avesraggiana.
Title: SOME THOUGHTS
Post by: lyon03 on March 17, 2016, 05:16:14 AM
I woke up this morning with something I wanted to share. And what I wanted to share is that my reboot was never about my d*ck, it was about my heart & soul. Addiction was the natural result of a burning self-hatred. I get that now. I never felt complete so I naturally looked outside of myself to find something, or perhaps someone, to complete me. This inexorably led me to make a number of wrong choices. Shame became my base-line emotion and I wrongly did shameful things and sought out shameful people and situations thinking this was all I deserved. Sex is beautiful, natural and deliciously primal. But I took my God-given sexual urge and twisted it into something shameful. I did this. Porn didn't do this. It started with magazines, then masturbation, then videos, then internet porn, and finally meaningless hookups with countless men who wouldn't even tell me their names. Recent events in my life demonstrated that I still harbour residual shame about who I am and the mistakes I've made. I've struggled this past week and thought that a quick wank or hookup would make me feel better. But I did something different. I really felt these emotions and perhaps for the first time didn't hide from them. By accepting how I felt, I could then do things rather than let the feelings overwhelm me. Then I got back to work. I reached out to friends, posted here, exercised, worked, and generally tried to break the vicious cycle of shame and isolation that's always led me down the path to addiction. I did little things that brought joy into my life and brought joy to the people I love. I'm glad I did this. Today I feel shaky, but somehow stronger. And for perhaps the first time in my life, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Today I feel no shame and it's both freeing and terrifying. Why am I sharing this? I have no f*cking idea! But I'm putting it out there friends. I've done the porn reboot, life reboot, and now I'm doing a soul reboot. I can't wait to see what's next. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: Patrick on March 17, 2016, 11:24:43 AM
Thank you for sharing your insights, lyon. This is a very touching post.
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: camus on March 18, 2016, 04:07:41 AM
Quote
I really felt these emotions and perhaps for the first time didn't hide from them.

Thank you for such an insightful post into your addiction. I think I'm beginning to understand my problem isn't necessarily porn, but my inability to deal with feelings.
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: Dharmabum on March 18, 2016, 05:32:21 AM
Thanks for your post recent post, Lyon.  So, so true for me as well.  I am working very hard these days to see what triggers me, and it is almost always stress, anxiety, fear, or boredom rather than sexual desire.  I have just created a pattern - one that goes back to my school days - of sexualizing all of those emotions rather than facing them. 

I told my 12-step group yesterday that i was at an event where I had to sit for the better part of 3 hours and listen to various speakers on a video screen who had nothing to do with me.  I was the emcee, and once I handled my duties, everyone settled in to watch a live feed of a national meeting being streamed from another part of the country.  I sat on the front row, though, so I couldn't check my phone or read a book.  I just had to sit there.  The fantasy wheel started turning.  I went to my past and started trying to relive some old dominatrix encounters.  But I kept catching myself and coming back to the room, and the boredom.   Then I started trying to fantasize about things that never happened, with my wife, female friends, etc.  But after a few seconds, I'd catch myself and come  back to the room, realizing that I just needed to be present, be bored if necessary. 

This is my same pattern when I think about the challenges my kids face, about my wife's stressful work situation, about financial concerns that don't even exist yet, about work, etc.  I start running from these perceived monsters by going into a sexualized state, rather than turning around to befriend or slay the beast.    What courage it takes to be present.  How brave we are when we just take a moment for what it is and make the best of it. 

My heart and soul are at stake each time I opt to "honor my d*ck" by giving it a rise.  It's not an honor, though, it's a waste of its energy and purpose.  And it's subtly telling myself that I'm not in control, but I can be.  I can control my thoughts, and I can sit with the uncertainties and fears that typically send me running to the false safe haven of my porn-mind. 

I don't need to hide.  I just need to remind my d*ck who is in charge, and get on with things like meditation, exercise, work, and helping others.  Thanks for the reminder. 
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: Feetfirst on March 18, 2016, 06:11:36 AM
Lyon, belated well done on a massive 500 days. Thank you for tremendous input to the Nation and the personal.support you have offered me. Having people who have demonstrated that this can be done is so important. Your input here has been and continues to be invaluable.
Your most recent post is very much my theme for the moment. Acceptance. I am learning that recovery and indeed happiness is all about understanding acceptance. Often we can't control our thoughts, what flashes across our mind is not in our control, but we do have choice of how we respond. Our choices are as I understand it are: craving resisting or acceptance. I have spent my life fluctuating between craving and resisting to any given stimuli. Both lead to from and to an unhappy mind. Acceptance allows what is to arise and pass with minimum resistance. Being in the moment with what is. That has got to be our greatest challenge and hope of deep meaningful recovery and happiness. Thank you Lyon for solid presence. Please keep coming back.
 Regards FF
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: lyon03 on March 18, 2016, 06:31:35 AM
Thank you for your kind messages. If I've helped in any way, I'm humbled my friends. I should add that this is my personal journey so it'd be wrong for me to assume we're all following the same path. I'm just sharing, not lecturing I hope, about my truth. I am an addictive person and there is a long history of addiction in my family. I was on the phone with a fellow rebooter who seems to have given up porn relatively easily. This kind of pissed me off if I'm being honest. But it also reminded me that not everyone shares this 'life or death' struggle with porn addiction or addiction in general. I've learned that my life is an iceberg and just the top part, addiction, was visible. Like an iceberg, 9/10ths remained below the surface. But I had to expose and overcome my porn addiction in order to reveal the jagged memories, emotions, and coping mechanisms that resulted in my addiction. It may take 5, 50 or in my case 500+ days to expose what really caused the addiction. After all, addiction is just acting out. Now I'm working to mend my broken heart and soul to avoid all addictive behaviours. And with your love and support, I think I'm getting there. Thanks again my friends. ADDICTION IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: Feetfirst on March 18, 2016, 07:05:02 AM
Yes I would really identify with iceberg analogy. I think our acting out behaviours are the tip.
 So much to learn.
But once we the embrace the journey we can enjoy it too. Recovery needn't be torturous. Least not all the time. It surely must be fascinating and joyful too!
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: Gabriel1960 on March 18, 2016, 10:09:19 AM
Thanks Lyon.  My experience is similar to yours.  I did also get naturally jealous when I meet someone that just walks in and drops the rock.  My twenty plus years of working on this, though, as also taught me that nobody gets a free pass.   Nobody.

Those that "dropped the rock" usually pick it back up when no one, including themselves, is looking.  We're actually better off then the "rock droppers," because we don't have the extreme consequences that they have after picking their rock back up - maybe five years later.  People like you and I, by staying close to the campfire, end up having far less severe consequences than those who dropped the rock and "moved on with their life."  Yah, right.

Gabriel
Title: Re: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR D*CK...IT'S ABOUT YOUR HEART/SOUL
Post by: robust on March 18, 2016, 02:40:34 PM
Sir, I take my hat of to you. Truly amazing.
Title: Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2016, 05:47:38 AM
I'm 500+ days into my reboot and haven't watched porn since October 29, 2014. While posting on another thread, I shared some previous porn surfing techniques that made me feel rather ridiculous if I'm being honest. Thinking back to my former porn habits reminded me how much I've come along. I've also shared about how I continue to struggle with porn subs like Facebook, YouTube, and mindless screen surfing. Why is this a priority? As much as I've avoided coming to this conclusion, my internet/screen addiction is hurting my professional life. I'm going to start posting regularly about overcoming these porn subs and add a new counter.

Now that I've gone 16 months porn-free, I've learned a few things that I'll apply to this reboot from porn-subs, namely:

1. Hope: My dream is to wake up tomorrow and go porn-sub free for the rest of my life while working productively and without distraction for 8-10 hours. While this is my dream, that also leads to:

2. Accept: I've tried and failed to stop using porn-subs (like trashy TV, Google News Feeds, News Websites, YouTube, Facebook etc) for the past year. So I need to accept that these are all are addictions that continue to give me a secondary form of dopamine hit. So these need to be addressed in the same way I've overcome my porn addiction. I've accepted my current strategy - no plan; not sharing about them; and denying these are problems - isn't working. I've also accepted that hoping for an overnight miracle is a pipe-dream. 

3. Reflect: I'm going to apply the same techniques to my porn-sub addiction that helped me overcome my porn addiction.

4. Plan: So my plan is:

Step One: Set goals of 30 days without using my porn subs and I'm going to set a goal of total hours worked for the next 30.
Step Two: Create a counter for porn subs.
Step Three: Check in here daily with updates about my progress.
Step Four: Get a sobriety buddy who I can call/text daily to ensure I'm accountable.
Step Five: After the initial 30 days, review my progress, and set another 30, 60, or 90-day goal. 

5. Execute: It's time to be pro-active in this second stage of my recovery.

Thanks for reading my rambles friends. While I'm weary about this next step, I know it's necessary. PORN (AND PORN-SUBS) ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS
Post by: Leon on March 21, 2016, 10:20:30 AM
I appreciate your honesty in your struggles and victories, Lyon- you are truly an inspiration.

Like yourself (a couple posts above), when you commented on someone who just 'dropped' their habit, I've thought on various struggles I've had down through the years. This one was/is certainly different. Smoking was difficult at age 19-20, marijuana at age 18-19, before that was other illicit behaviors that I just dropped- or changed from at my conversion experience.

Sex addiction was different, 20-plus years into it, and I'm finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Like yourself, porn-subs are a danger. To avoid those equate for me to long term victories.

But may I ask you- are the porn-subs you're talking about actual sexualized things, or are they simply bad computer (or time management) habits? Are you simply calling them 'porn-subs' because they remind you of your [former] porn addiction? Or, are these actual sexualized things (with clothes on more or less) that might take you down wrong paths?

The reason to ask for this clarification is, I'm thinking, maybe you're being too hard on yourself? Though, of course it's important to curb time-wasters like FB. I certainly have my own strategies to enjoy FB, while at the same time, not let it take up too much of my time.

Peace.

Title: Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2016, 11:56:14 AM
Thanks for reaching out brother. My porn-subs are all g-rated so none of these are gateway or 'middle circle' habits as they're often called in addiction parlance. I'm going by this definition of addiction:

"Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance."

Or my own definition which is something like, "No matter how much I get, it'll never be enough." Perhaps I am splitting hairs by calling YouTube, Facebook, and the like 'addictions' but I could see a familiar pattern developing. I'd start clicking rather than working. I was starting to lose time while mindlessly surfing, and I was going to bed even later. I've had a few episodes the past month where it was 2 a.m. and I was still reading stories about the presidential election. In essence, my g-rated internet habit felt a lot like my x-rated habit. That's why I've decided to undertake a secondary reboot.

Overkill? Perhaps. But I don't think my life will end if I stay off Facebook or YouTube for a month. So I'd prefer to go cold-turkey for 30 days, and then see if I can develop healthier internet habits.

I hope I addressed your questions/concerns. Thanks so much for checking in brother. I appreciate it.   
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2016, 04:20:23 PM
Day 1 w/out porn subs down. Just checking in at the end of the day. I've kicked the porn (500+ days porn-free) and am now working on porn subs. I reached my hourly work goals. I also made it through the day without my favourite subs like YouTube, news feeds (I LOVE following the train-wreck that is the election but resisted today), but did check Facebook for about 5 mins to write a friend's quick b-day message and to accept an Easter invitation. I'm deleting FB from my smartphone so I don't get the notifications which are too distracting/tempting. I'll check in again tomorrow. PORN (AND SUBS) ARE NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS
Post by: harry on March 21, 2016, 04:23:40 PM
Best of luck with your new endeavor, Lyon.

I've never been a fan of social media in any form, and I feel very fortunate that I never created a facebook account. However, I do understand how you view them as addictions as I have become quite addicted to this forum. I'm not worried about it, but I am conscious of it.

A similar pattern emerged when I joined AA. Today, I spend about 4 hours on week at meetings which I believe is completely healthy.
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 21, 2016, 04:43:46 PM
Thanks Harry. I don't think it's unhealthy to get obsessed about reboot/recovery in the beginning. However, I would try to avoid making this or similar sites an obsession. And I've just realized how ironic that must sound as I post for the 3rd time today! Enough. It's late here in Europe and I'm off to bed. Be well RN. Goodnight.
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 22, 2016, 03:30:46 PM
Day 2 w/out porn subs down. Today was more of a struggle as I spent quite a bit of time darting around the internet, but without using my favourite porn subs like Google News & YouTube. I was on Facebook briefly as I've recently made contact with my long-term partner's sister-in-law. She had a baby girl a few weeks ago. I don't have her cell so we communicate via FB and she wrote to confirm a brunch date next month. More on that later.

Why am I sharing this? Stick with me because there is a nugget of information near the end for rebooters who continue to relapse. Anyhow, my boyfriend is semi-closeted. It's also referred to as 'splitting' or 'compartmentalizing' in psycho-parlance. This means that he's out in the city where he lives/works and yet closeted when visiting his family in the country. Like me, he thought this was 'fine' but now that I'm out to everyone, it's causing problems between us. I now understand that 'fine' means anything but. I've long shared that my porn addiction was the result of a burning self-hatred because of my homosexuality. I recall coming out to my mother two years ago. [Gosh time flies.] I first came out to my sister and then decided to come out to my mom the next day. Right up until the half second before coming out, I thought I was fine. But when I started to say, "I'm ga....." I couldn't even say "gay", my sister had to, because I was so wracked with sobs. The emotional damn broke and I felt a flood of shame...35+ years worth really. It was as if I suddenly let down my guard and for the first time felt EVERYTHING that I'd hidden since my first gay feelings at age 5. It was overwhelming but necessary to overcome my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation.

Back to my boyfriend, he's struggled to come out to his family. We're the same age, 44, and like me he's been lying to himself for most of his life. This is far too long to be healthy. And like me, he continues to claim that he's 'fine' even though his 'fine' armor is starting to crack. I can see the signs because I've been there. He recently claimed that he'll never come out to his family. I met his parents years ago and they clearly knew their son is gay. Even though I was introduced as just a 'friend', the knowing looks said it all. I've met a number of my partner's cousins and they all confirmed it - the whole family knows he's gay. And like most families, they're too scared to 'out' him for fear of losing him or shoving him off an emotional cliff. Stalemate. Then enter me. I refused to out my boyfriend or anyone else for that matter but now out/proud I was more than happy to help things along. While a gay man has to say, "I'm gay" to his own family, he very strongly hinted that he wanted someone to do it for him. So I contacted his sister-in-law via Facebook. "Hi, I'm _____'s boyfriend. I've heard a lot about you. Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl." Given her response, "I've heard all about you! Can't wait to meet you etc." An exchange of messages followed and this confirmed the family knows EVERYTHING. Technically this wasn't outing my boyfriend, that's his job, but I did tell him about the messages, becoming Facebook friends etc. He was relieved and yet adorably nervous about seeing both his brother and sister-in-law today. He says he's going to come out to his sister-in-law tomorrow...we always start with the women, rarely a man. When I asked him, "Are you scared?" I could hear all of the pain and suffering we all go through when we finally accept a long-held secret and then share it with others.

So what's my point? If you're relapsing over and over again, like I did, it's probably because you haven't uncovered the true cause of your addiction. I'm not suggesting everyone is gay, but I am suggesting that people who suffer from addictions are often using drugs or a behaviour like watching porn to hide something. It might be painful memories or perhaps abuse but it could be anything really. My advice is to reach out to another porn addict for help. Call this person a sponsor or sobriety buddy, but don't isolate. Posting here is one thing but having a weekly phone call with another human being helps so much. I know from experience. And it can't be your wife/partner/significant other. They have their own journey and it's unlikely you'll be 100% honest with a life partner. I'm not going to lie to you. It may take weeks, months or even years but don't give up until you've uncovered the dark secret that keeps leading you back to addiction. My dark secret was shame about being gay. While it is hard to confront a lifetime's worth of shame, it's the only way for me to overcome my addictions.

Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN (AND PORN SUBS) ARE NOT AN OPTION. 

   
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 23, 2016, 05:26:01 PM
Day 3 w/out porn-subs: Just about to go to bed friends. It was a choppy work day today and I didn't meet my goals. But I'm feeling relaxed and confident. It's a pleasure to go to bed without hours of porn on the brain and that queasy shame from having wasted another day of my life fapping in front of a screen. Had a great chat with my 12-step sponsor (I'm part of www.pornaddictsanonymous.org) which was a high, but then got sucked into to a sh*t-show of a telephone conversation with my ex-wife (low), then fun dinner with my boyfriend (high). So not a bad day. My ex-wife manages to mix compassion with both condemnation and guilt. Compassion: "How are you REALLY doing?" Condemnation: "[Our daughter] knows you're lying about your boyfriend." Guilt: "She didn't sleep very well Sunday night after staying with you. I know she's relieved to be staying home this weekend." I can't lie. She got under my skin but less than in previous go rounds. As many of you know, there is a dance when long-term couples fight. But reboot/recovery has changed me. What struck me was that she kept pausing as she waited for my normal reactions: an angry outburst or weak self-defence. But I didn't bite. I just listened silently and I guess that threw her off stride because her words got more intense/emotional. When she went in for round three or four, I lost count, I said a friendly, "So I'll see you and the kids Sunday morning for Easter? Have a good evening." Click. I can't lie. That click felt really f*cking great. I live to fight (porn subs) another day! Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: Gabriel1960 on March 23, 2016, 07:39:00 PM
Lyon

I just want to say that you're a true inspiration to me. 

Thanks for posting.

Gabriel
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 24, 2016, 01:58:52 AM
Day 4 w/out porn-subs. Morning gang. Now that I've slept on it, I finally accepted something about my current relationship. I've created a 80/20 split. That means I'm putting in 80% of the effort, while he's putting in about 20%. I don't write this with any anger, just with a sort of solemn realization. I realized this last night at dinner. He asked when I was coming to visit him...he lives about an hour away from me. I then thought, "Wait. I always come see you when the last time you stayed here was early February." As I journey through reboot/recovery, I find my ability to self delude is waning. I now see my relationships in the blinding light of sober honesty, rather than through the foggy lens of an addict's brain. My previous reaction would have been to suddenly and angrily exclaim, "It's over!" My addict response to any difficult situation or emotions would be to run, isolate, drug (with porn/sex), and then drug some more. I'm learning to break that cycle. It kind of feels like my b*lls are growing back...albeit slowly. So I've made a decision. Rather than b*tch about this situation to everyone else, what I used to do to justify situations or blame others for things that I'd largely created, I'm going to have a calm chat with my boyfriend about the kind of relationship I want, what I'm willing to do to get there, and for how long. If he's willing to put in the work to make this a more equal partnership, fantastic. But if he's not, I know my self-esteem will eventually erode to the point that I'll be back fapping in front of a screen to compensate and I don't want that future. I feel better for sharing this my friends. Thanks for reading. Be well fellow rebooters! PORN AND PORN SUBS ARE NOT OPTIONS.   
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 25, 2016, 01:35:30 AM
Day 0 w/out porn-subs. Good morning from Europe everyone. I'm just checking in before starting work. I've re-set my porn-sub counter to zero as I was all over Facebook yesterday in a porn-like way. I am still off YouTube and the news feeds though. Why am I doing this? My g-rated internet habits were becoming much too similar to my former x-rated porn habits. As someone with an addictive personality, I want to avoid the slippery slope. I also want to develop healthier internet habits hence this 30-day goal which I'm restarting today. So while I am still porn-free, and damn proud of it, I've reset my counter to go porn-sub-free. I've re-set my reboot goal to 2 years. These are honest steps I think. Wish me luck my friends! PORN AND PORN-SUBS ARE NO LONGER AN OPTION.
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 26, 2016, 03:30:17 AM
Day 1 w/out porn-subs. Good morning from Europe nation. Yesterday was a bit of a sh*t-show which demonstrates that my addiction to porn-subs (YouTube, Facebook, Newsfeeds etc) is a deeper problem than I initially thought. I had a lot of trouble concentrating, didn't sleep very well, was obsessing about my relationship and MOed which is something I rarely do anymore. I'm also wondering if this is the right forum to keep posting about a general cyber addiction as I haven't watched porn in over 500+ days. Your thoughts? Today the sun is shining, I'm going to go for a run, then gym, and then do some of the work/things I didn't accomplish yesterday. Shame was a huge part of my porn addiction. I used porn to hide from negative emotions (like shame) and yet porn then made me feel more ashamed, which led to me using more porn. It was a downward spiral. I don't feel ashamed per se about my porn-sub addictions, and they are truly addictions, perhaps because they are g-rated. So while yesterday was tough I remain committed to reaching 30 days (and beyond) without them. A friend gave me some great advice, "You're a hell of a lot further along in this journey than just a year ago." So yes I need to count my blessings, get organized, stay pro-active, and strangle the sh*t out of this last part of my addiction. Feeling better now that I've shared here. PORN AND PORN-SUBS ARE NOT AN OPTION.   

UPDATE: I've moved my posts to another thread: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=8545.0. Rather than clog up this original thread which mainly dealt with porn addiction, I'm going to post about my porn-sub journey there. Feels like the right thing to do. Wish me luck!
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 26, 2016, 06:48:00 PM
A fellow rebooter made an excellent observation that I'm happy to share here. What I'm referring to as 'porn subs' was incorrect. I'm not looking at any adult/sexual content online, nor have I jerked off to screens. So I'm going to refer to my reboot 2.0 as recovering from 'cyber addiction.' I'll better define my goals in the next few days but in general I want to better control my use of g-rated websites like Facebook, YouTube, and Google News. Goodnight!
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: notgivinup on March 28, 2016, 11:22:28 AM
Lyon....it is inspiring to see you STRANGLING the last bits of life out of your addictions.
I am continuing to follow your journey here...and your determination, day by day, is encouraging to me.

Keep it up...we are in this together.

NGU
Title: Re: REBOOT PART 2
Post by: lyon03 on March 29, 2016, 04:21:48 AM
Thanks brother. I've wrongly called these porn-subs when the correct term would be more akin to 'cyber addiction.' As I explained to a fellow member named Numez, my cyber addiction is to g-rated things on YouTube and Facebook. I would have no problem admitting that I'd looked a porn as this would be a relapse in my mind. It would also necessitate resetting my counter. So I am still 515+ days porn-free (I've lost count) and am now working on a general cyber addiction. As such, I've started a new thread here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=8545.0 to detail my journey. Why? Because I believe this thread should be about porn addiction, not cyber addiction. Be well my friends. PORN AND CYBER ADDICTION ARE NOT OPTIONS.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: lyon03 on April 18, 2016, 12:23:51 AM
Good morning Reboot Nation! I'm now on day 536 porn-free and have decided to move on from this forum. It's time so this will be my final post...FOREVER. I feel like I did when leaving primary school. It's a mixture of fear and excitement. For the longest time, my moniker has been, "Life's too short to live it virtually." Very true. So it's time for me to start living in the real world, rather than living virtually via this and other forums. This forum and the wonderful people sharing here gave me my life back. I shared EVERYTHING here and I highly recommend to anyone still struggling with porn addiction to do the same. Thank you to my fellow members, thanks to Gabe Deem for creating this wonderful site, and thank you to all of my friends and family who have stood by me during the darkest years of my porn addiction. Goodbye friends.   
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Jon64 on April 18, 2016, 04:43:42 AM
Thank you for your inspiration and good luck on your journey. I hope to be where you're at some day.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Gracie on April 18, 2016, 06:33:25 AM
Goodbye.  I wish you happiness and peace.  Always remember thatrelationships matter and if you tend them and talk to your partner, porn will not e a problem.

I am happy for you!
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Leon on April 18, 2016, 10:21:49 AM
I bid you a fond farewell, Lyon!

You continue to be an inspiration, and will be remembered as such.

Wishing you prosperity, health and success in all your endeavors.

Peace, and God's blessings.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Boo on April 18, 2016, 10:30:57 AM
Best wishes Lyon. Your journal is on my reading list. Godspeed as you move forward.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: fyg on April 18, 2016, 02:48:35 PM
Thank you for that really inspiring final post, Lyon. I will read the first few pages today, and will read more of your, what seems a very empowering journal, as time goes on. The very best to you!!! :) fyg
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Philgood63 on April 18, 2016, 03:09:00 PM
Goodbye Lyon, you've been a great example for all of us, and your journal has inspired us so much. Take care.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: harry on April 18, 2016, 10:52:45 PM
Wishing you all the best, Lyon!
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Patrick on April 19, 2016, 12:49:45 AM
Goodbye, dear lyon, and much love to you. I'm so grateful that we got to know each other through this forum. You'll always be in my heart. Take care and all the best.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: hope2reboot on April 20, 2016, 05:10:19 PM
Hi Lyon, I haven't been on this site for long and haven't even shared or conversed with anyone on this site yet but I was very impressed with your replies to others and your insight into the porn addiction. Just thought I'd say thanks for all the help and inspiration you've given me and I believe so many others on this site by simply encouraging others and sharing your experience. All the best to you.....take care and God bless.
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: Feetfirst on April 21, 2016, 12:46:30 AM
Hey Lyon, sorry to hear you are leaving. You have been an amazing contibutor here and a great help to me in my recovery. All the best. May your life continue to be blessed. FF
Title: Re: FINAL GOODBYE
Post by: notgivinup on April 25, 2016, 03:14:13 PM
Thank you, Lyon.
Title: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on September 27, 2016, 11:21:26 AM
Good day friends! It's been a very long time since my last post so I thought I'd check in on the eve of 700 days porn free. Given my 20-year addiction to porn, masturbation, and (later) sex, living without my addictions is nothing short of a miracle. And none of this would have been possible without the kindness and loving support of my fellow rebooters. So why am I back? I'm writing to encourage those who are just starting their reboots and to encourage those who continue to struggle with porn-related dopamine addiction. [If you don't know what dopamine is, get a copy of "Your Brain on Porn" stat!] My message is: don't give up. As I've shared in this thread, I know that porn would have killed me. On October 29, 2014, I decided to make a change and stop watching porn...forever. I won't lie to you. It was hell. Reboot was hell. But the rewards - like happiness, honesty, and intimacy to name a few - are well worth it. Giving up porn, porn subs, and all of the addictive behaviours that fed my two-decade-long addiction to dopamine was the most difficult and yet the most rewarding thing I've ever done. No matter where you are along your journey my friends, please don't give up.

Reboot is a bit like learning to walk again. It's all or nothing. Either you're up or you're down on your *ss crying. I was thinking about how my own reboot was like learning to walk (porn-free) all over again. I thought to myself: after a toddler stumbles, I've never seen a child give up, refuse to try walking again, hide/isolate, blame their crappy childhood/spouse/boss, rationalize "I'll just crawl for one more day before giving it another try." No. The kid just b*lls out tries again and again and again until he/she walks. This was pretty much my approach to reboot. I came ready to do whatever it took to live porn free. I obsessively posted here. I joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, a 12-step programme for porn addiction. I participated in weekly phone-in meetings for porn addicts. I read 30+ books about porn addiction, sex addiction, and self-improvement. I got a sponsor and created a sobriety network. My motto remains: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. This also meant giving up fleshy TV. It meant giving up all of the lies, the blame, the resent, and the rationalizations. It meant giving up masturbation, meaningless hook ups, and meaningless relationships. This is what worked for me after trying, and failing, for years to stop watching porn. No matter what our paths, we can only find freedom without our drug of choice: dopamine. 

After 700 days without porn, life has taken on a colour and texture that I never thought possible. Perhaps like me, you started your reboot to once again have big, beautiful erections, lots of steamy-hot sex, and porn-like orgasms. But I've learned that reboot was never about my d*ck. It was always about mind, heart, and soul. Once porn-free, I learned it was just the start of another set of challenges. But I was now up for those challenges. I'm now ready to face whatever life throws at me. I may not always succeed, but I'm always going to get up again and again. In brief, reboot gave me my life back. And reboot will give you back your life as well. Good luck my friends.
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Branch on September 27, 2016, 02:30:31 PM
Good day friends! It's been a very long time since my last post so I thought I'd check in on the eve of 700 days porn free. Given my 20-year addiction to porn, masturbation, and (later) sex, living without my addictions is nothing short of a miracle. And none of this would have been possible without the kindness and loving support of my fellow rebooters. So why am I back? I'm writing to encourage those who are just starting their reboots and to encourage those who continue to struggle with porn-related dopamine addiction. [If you don't know what dopamine is, get a copy of "Your Brain on Porn" stat!] My message is: don't give up. As I've shared in this thread, I know that porn would have killed me. On October 29, 2014, I decided to make a change and stop watching porn...forever. I won't lie to you. It was hell. Reboot was hell. But the rewards - like happiness, honesty, and intimacy to name a few - are well worth it. Giving up porn, porn subs, and all of the addictive behaviours that fed my two-decade-long addiction to dopamine was the most difficult and yet the most rewarding thing I've ever done. No matter where you are along your journey my friends, please don't give up.

Reboot is a bit like learning to walk again. It's all or nothing. Either you're up or you're down on your *ss crying. I was thinking about how my own reboot was like learning to walk (porn-free) all over again. I thought to myself: after a toddler stumbles, I've never seen a child give up, refuse to try walking again, hide/isolate, blame their crappy childhood/spouse/boss, rationalize "I'll just crawl for one more day before giving it another try." No. The kid just b*lls out tries again and again and again until he/she walks. This was pretty much my approach to reboot. I came ready to do whatever it took to live porn free. I obsessively posted here. I joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, a 12-step programme for porn addiction. I participated in weekly phone-in meetings for porn addicts. I read 30+ books about porn addiction, sex addiction, and self-improvement. I got a sponsor and created a sobriety network. My motto remains: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. This also meant giving up fleshy TV. It meant giving up all of the lies, the blame, the resent, and the rationalizations. It meant giving up masturbation, meaningless hook ups, and meaningless relationships. This is what worked for me after trying, and failing, for years to stop watching porn. No matter what our paths, we can only find freedom without our drug of choice: dopamine. 

After 700 days without porn, life has taken on a colour and texture that I never thought possible. Perhaps like me, you started your reboot to once again have big, beautiful erections, lots of steamy-hot sex, and porn-like orgasms. But I've learned that reboot was never about my d*ck. It was always about mind, heart, and soul. Once porn-free, I learned it was just the start of another set of challenges. But I was now up for those challenges. I'm now ready to face whatever life throws at me. I may not always succeed, but I'm always going to get up again and again. In brief, reboot gave me my life back. And reboot will give you back your life as well. Good luck my friends.

lyon03,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and perspective!

I'm only on Day 23 but I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and I KNOW recovery is within my power.  I'm taking nothing for granted, but I have the opportunity to recover and I know it's real.  And I don't want to go back to p-addiction and my completely isolated room in hell.  I want to, as you say, get back to embracing life and life's challenges, back to becoming who I can be.

And it is like learning to walk all over again.  You can't just flip a switch and get your life back.  You have to take a step at a time and be patient.  I'm rediscovering the balance and rhythm of authentic living, but it's a work in progress.  I've accepted that and understand it.

I indulged in porn for over 5 years.  I can't get that lost time back, but I'm not looking back.  I'm focused on today and I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I'm grateful to have the opportunity to recover.

Thanks again! 

Branch
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Patrick on September 27, 2016, 04:39:17 PM
Yahoo, lyon03!! It's sure great to hear back from you. I love your post. Thank you for hanging in there with us. Good luck to all of us.
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on September 28, 2016, 02:23:34 AM
Thanks Patrick and Branch for your shouts out. Branch wrote:

"I'm only on Day 23 but I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and I KNOW recovery is within my power."

Whether we're on day 2 or day 2000, it takes the same skills and commitment to remain addiction-free my friend. Not too long ago, I remember being in complete awe of anyone who had 100+ days of recovery. I was a total fangirl. Today marks day 700 porn-free for me although it's essentially just a number. My commitment to remaining addiction-free remains the same regardless of the math. So keep going Branch!
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: inpursuitofhappiness on September 28, 2016, 04:35:40 AM
Great to hear your story and a slightly different spin on it, i.e. Dopamine addiction rather than porn addiction.

I have never suffered with ED so fingers crossed that isnt something i will suffer from during reboot, it all about getting back all the time, isolation and self esteem this addiction takes from me.

Will use the toddler walking analogy to inspire me as well.

Thanks and best wishes:)
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Jbow on September 28, 2016, 08:38:36 AM
I'm so glad you came back to visit lyon. We are still here, fighting the good fight. I'm almost on day 100. This reboot is so different from the other ones. For some reason porn just doesn't interest me anymore. It's been a pretty easy reboot.anyways, it's so nice to hear how good your doing. I know you have inspired a lot of people here.
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Branch on September 28, 2016, 10:59:41 AM
Thanks Patrick and Branch for your shouts out. Branch wrote:

"I'm only on Day 23 but I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and I KNOW recovery is within my power."

Whether we're on day 2 or day 2000, it takes the same skills and commitment to remain addiction-free my friend. Not too long ago, I remember being in complete awe of anyone who had 100+ days of recovery. I was a total fangirl. Today marks day 700 porn-free for me although it's essentially just a number. My commitment to remaining addiction-free remains the same regardless of the math. So keep going Branch!

lyon03,

You make a good point.  I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess I've been in fangirl mode, too, thinking rebooters at 100+ must've tapped into a secret I don't know.  What you say makes sense and I really appreciate it.

Thanks for the insight and the encouragement!

Branch
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: fyg on October 01, 2016, 08:29:35 PM
Thank you for posting back on RN Lyon03. A few months ago I hadn't been here long when you were leaving, and reading some of your journal at the time was seriously motivational. The way you talked about mastering time, and increasing your ability to concentrate for longer periods of time resonated with me and has helped me out a lot with procrastination; ie. in studying and reading for longer periods over the last few months... So, I just wanted to thank you. Have travelled through a rough patch of late, but still, your posts have really helped me. Thanks, man!

Cheers!
Title: Re: KEEP GOING FRIENDS! 700 DAY UPDATE
Post by: notgivinup on October 12, 2016, 03:13:23 PM
Hey Lyon...life is good.

You are approaching 2 years....awesome.

NGU
Title: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on October 29, 2016, 03:03:44 AM
Good morning nation! Today I celebrate my two-year anniversary porn-free. On October 29, 2014, I said "enough" and pledged to never watch porn again. I adopted a "porn is not an option" stance and haven't had a porn, masturbation, orgasm session (or "PMO") in TWO F*CKING YEARS! So how did I do it? Just read my previous posts friends. So how is life on the other side? Life has a beauty, colour, and texture that I never thought possible.

How can I explain it? I recently tried to start up my laptop while traveling and for some reason the hard drive was running something in the background. Whatever was running so SLOWED my computer down that even entering my password was almost impossible. It took about an hour for my computer to even boot up and then it hit me. That was my previous life on porn. Like a hard drive running some viral program, porn had so f*cked up my brain that everything happened in slow motion...or didn't happen at all. Sleep, emotions, higher thinking, impulse control, you name it, NOTHING worked properly while my brain was on porn. These past two years have been the longest and most fundamental hard drive wipe in my life. It was truly a "reboot."

When I started this journey two years ago, I thought I wanted powerful erections, mind-blowing sex, and explosive orgasms. But these were the goals of an addict seeing the world through my smeared porn lens. Reboot was never about my d*ck I quickly learned. It was about healing heart and soul. Two years later, I understand that we spend less than 0.4% of our lives actually having sex. So why obsess about my junk? Reboot was about making 99.6% of my life better and I feel I'm on the right track. I sleep better, no longer have a TV, and am free of the anxiety that plagued me during 20+ years of porn, sex, and masturbation addiction. Gone are the tools of a broken man: the anger, the sarcasm, the blame and resentment. It's as if a fog has lifted. I can see clearly now thanks to reboot.

Yes I now have a wonderful sex life. Yes my penis now functions properly. But true intimacy is simply the natural result of a healthy mind. Rather poignantly, I just read another post from a fellow rebooter who joined this forum around the same time I did a few years ago. While I adopted a "porn is not an option" approach, he continues to indulge in porn from time to time, is still suffering from depression, is jobless, and blames his wife for their sexual dysfunction. Ironically, he gives other members advice. Insanity is truly trying the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. I was the same broken man just a few years ago so I have a lot of compassion for this guy. Why am I sharing this? Until I acknowledged my porn addiction, accepted I had no control over it, and realized I was responsible for my miserable lot in life, ONLY then could I reboot. Only then could I start anew. This process has taught me that I am 100% responsible for my life, my happiness, my success. And I didn't do it alone.

This forum and its wonderful members encouraged me throughout the process. Being a part of a community based on honesty, accountability and healing saved my life. I am so thankful to Gabe Deem and all of you for making this possible. Thank you for giving me my life back.     
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: Gracie on October 29, 2016, 07:16:42 PM
This is great to hear!  I love reading about success.  Thanks for stopping in and letting us know.  I often wonder about some of the people that have left. 
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: seneca on October 30, 2016, 02:34:12 PM
Congratulations   You are an inspiration.
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on October 31, 2016, 08:11:24 AM
Thank you for your kind messages of support. I've received a number of private messages asking about 'the secret' to my success. Mine was a 20+ year addiction that would have killed me. Here is how I made it this far: hit rock bottom October 28, 2014; set a goal (a life without porn) October 29, 2014; posted here daily for my first year; joined a 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org); brutal honesty with myself and others; no more isolation/hiding by encouraging fellow rebooters; read EVERYTHING about porn addiction, addiction, and self-improvement; and attacked my addiction from every f*cking angle until I prevailed. There is a member of my 12-step program who also stopped watching porn. Why? Because the police caught him with child pornography and all of his online time is now strictly supervised. This man ended his porn addiction because to relapse would mean going to jail. Why am I sharing this? My addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation almost drove me to commit suicide. So for me the stakes were very clear: porn = death. For my fellow rebooter: porn = jail. We both chose freedom because we didn't have a choice. If you are still struggling with porn addiction, it's time to get very clear about how porn is killing both you and your loved ones. I got very clear in October 2014 and understanding the consequences of my addictions forced me to deal with them. My 'secret' is that I had two choices, live a porn-free life or die fapping in front of a computer screen. I'm glad I chose life my friends. I hope that helps someone get just another minute, hour, day, or week porn-free.  PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: Gracie on October 31, 2016, 04:17:21 PM
So it was "Live free or die"  New Hampshire state motto.  A good one if I must say so.
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: notgivinup on November 08, 2016, 03:09:16 PM
Always good to read your posts. Thanks.
NGU
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: humaninprogress on November 25, 2016, 12:03:52 PM
Wow, Lyon03, great journal/journey! Thanks for sharing. I'm a little over 30 days clean with PMO, but I'm struggling with M/MO. Any advice in that department? Was this something that naturally just fell away for you, or did you struggle with it at some point? Getting to the point where I choose to M once a month sounds like a great thing to aspire to, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. At the moment I seem to only make it abut 4 days before falling back into M/MO, often even before I'm fully aware of what I'm doing because it is so automatic at this point. Would love to hear your take on this.
Title: Re: TWO YEAR UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on January 05, 2017, 01:39:19 PM
Happy New Year Reboot Nation! I wish everyone a happy, healthy, and addiction-free 2017. It's been a while between posts so I'm thrilled to provide an update. Tomorrow marks 800 days porn-free for me and life is so much better addiction-free. By way of background, I was a gold-star 20-year porn addict. Before my reboot, which started on October 29, 2014, I would PMO (porn, masturbate, orgasm) three to four hours daily, if not longer. I was addicted to porn, masturbation, and sex (mostly hook ups). While addicted to porn, I suffered from severe erectile dysfunction, insomnia, depression, anxiety, bouts of anger, and a whole host of porn-related problems. While I haven't watched porn for 800 days, in early reboot I struggled with my addictions to masturbation and sex. Now 800 days later, I'm a changed man. I probably MO about 5-6 times a year, most often the day after very passionate sex which I guess is my own form of chaser effect. Most of my life I used masturbation as a stress reliever and quite honestly now I find it pretty boring. I'm also in a long-term and loving relationship with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. While we have an open relationship, as many gay couples do, sex without intimacy is a bit like masturbation...not really worth it.

What I'm about to share is my own personal opinion, based on my own experience. There is no perfect way to reboot in my opinion because we're all different. Now 800 days porn-free, I believe there are two types of recovery from addiction: people who are simply overcoming bad habits like watching porn, drinking, doing drugs etc; and people who use addictions in order to cope with underlying emotional issues. I fall squarely in the latter category. I used porn to hide my homosexuality and I believe my reboot was successful because I'd come out, separated from my wife, and got therapy all before joining this forum. In my case, rebooting would have been impossible had I continued to deny my homosexuality and remained unhappily married to a woman. Once I came out, I'd mostly dealt with the emotional cause of my porn addiction...or I should write gay porn addiction. This then freed me to deal with my porn-induced dopamine addiction starting October 29, 2014.

The other thing I've learned is there is no failure until I give up. While I stopped watching porn in October 2014, my addictions to masturbation and sex took a little more time to overcome. I white-knuckled and went about 100 days (I think) without masturbating and about the same amount of time without hooking up with guys outside of my long-term relationship. It's proven science that we need between 90 to 120 days to break the cycle of addiction so I'm a firm believer in doing at least a "hard 90" to stop an addictive behaviour. However, it took me a while to learn that masturbating or hooking up from time were simply part of my journey, not failures. I could have easily struggled with porn relapsing time and time again but as long as I have a goal and I'm trying, I firmly believe I'm winning. What knocks so many people off the wagon and perhaps off this forum, is the shame associated with relapse. So please don't give up if you're relapsing. Just keep sharing here and attacking your addiction from every angle possible. You'll inevitably prevail. 

One final point I wanted to make is this journey was never about my d*ck. Yes I started my reboot to have lots of porn-like sex, powerful erections, and geyser-like orgasms. Porn conditioned me to see sex the wrong way. How can I explain this? It would be like learning to drive by only watching car chases in action movies. Porn sex and porn bodies are about as close to reality as Hollywood car stunts are to my daily drive. Porn is unattainable fantasy. What I needed was intimacy. Now when I'm having sex, I don't even think about orgasm because I'm enjoying myself so much. Intimacy is about touch, laughter, eye contact and being present among other things. While addicted to porn, I was too focused on body parts rather than intimacy. So my reboot was never about my junk. It was always about my brain.

I'll close this rambling post by sharing that porn was like pea-soup fog. While a porn addict, I was lost and couldn't see anything clearly. Quitting porn was like a fog lifting. But that only exposed the broken landscape of my life. When I started to see my problems more clearly, I could have run back to porn for cover...but didn't. So I guess my closing argument is that quitting porn was just the beginning of a journey to better myself. But ending my addictions put me on a clearer path in life. I recently went back through some of my previous posts. This forum was a huge help in overcoming my lifelong addiction to porn...both through sharing and supporting others. So please keep posting and supporting others no matter what. Your fellow members learn from both ups and downs.  Thanks for reading friends.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: jjacks on January 05, 2017, 02:05:55 PM
What a nice summary of where your journey took you! It certainly gives hope to me and many others too. I am pleased to hear that I am not alone in looking for the "chaser effect" as you call it. Thank you for sharing.
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Gracie on January 07, 2017, 08:44:31 AM
Yay! This so good to read!  The car chase example is so true.  And when you talk about sex not being about orgasm, that is so true.  Now that we, husband and I are along in the journey, I get my whole body touched!  Amazing!  And what a turn on.  If I was a cat, I would purr.  (No female anatomy jokes necessary, lol)   

Good to hear from you!
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Oneway on January 09, 2017, 04:59:54 AM
Thank you for posting and setting an example lyon. We sure need guys like you leading the way and showing that quitting for good is possible.
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: William on January 11, 2017, 09:24:32 PM
@ Lyon03.  I love this place.  It only lacks a "like" button.  Like. Happy New Year to you.  And many happy returns.  Thanks for inspiring all of us. 

Keep broadcasting.  Newbies are born everyday.  There will come a time when our power goes out.  We, The Nation, need to train our replacements.

Much love, and admiration. You have inspired me.  You have inspired many.  You have told them something the addiction wants to keep quiet:  They can be free.

WilliamOneAndDone.
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on January 18, 2017, 03:27:50 AM
Wow thanks everyone. I'm thrilled to get a shout out from you William. You're like the Yoda of reboot. Be well my friends. I'm counting down to 900 days porn-free and will likely check back in at that milestone. Until then, please keep sharing, encouraging others, and living life to the fullest. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 800 DAY UPDATE
Post by: TK-421 on January 18, 2017, 07:58:02 AM
I too will add to the chorus in thanking you for sharing your experience. The example of guys that have successfully rebooted are a tremendous inspiration and resource for this forum. Please continue with the periodic updates.

TK-421
Title: 900 DAY UPDATE
Post by: lyon03 on April 18, 2017, 12:08:53 AM
Good day nation! I'm writing with a 900 day update. I haven't watched porn in 900 days, or roughly 29.5 months, or just about 2.5 years. Here is my first post (Nov 21-14) on this thread:

"On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again."

Amen to that. I know that my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex would have led to suicide. So for me reboot was more than just giving up a PMO habit. It was a life or death choice. For anyone struggling with porn addiction, there is hope. There was a time when I couldn't go three minutes without a porn hit. I know because I timed it. And not too long after realizing I couldn't go three minutes without watching x-rated videos on my computer, I stopped watching porn forever. 

Addictions are like rusty bolts...the older and rustier they are, the more effort it takes to wrench those f*ckers loose. Looking back, I have had an addict brain all of my life. My addictions were the unnatural results of my screwed up thinking. There was a time when I needed to post 2-3 times a day here. Why? Because it took that level of effort to learn how to live addiction-free. It was like undoing all of those years I wasted my soul in front of a computer screen. When posting wasn't enough, I joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org and worked their 12 steps. When that wasn't enough, I got a sponsor. When that wasn't enough, I attended weekly 12-step meetings. When that wasn't enough, I joined a gym. When that wasn't enough, I got therapy. When that wasn't enough, I read everything I could about my addictions. When you're fighting for your life as I was, you don't bring a dull butter knife. You bring a f*cking bazooka.

So I didn't just stop watching porn, I made recovery/reboot my obsession. I adopted a "porn is not an option" attitude and worked my ass off to live porn-free. I blew all of my addictions and my addictive thinking to smithereens. I've spent the last two years breaking myself down and methodically rebuilding myself into an honest, addiction-free man. Why? Because life is too short to live it virtually.

So how are things today? Much better thanks. I'm not going to lie to you. Reboot isn't some magical band aid to change your life. Most people who have spent decades fapping to internet porn don't have the best lives. In fact, my life was pretty sh*tty (just read my thread if you don't believe me). Porn is like a fog and once you stop using porn, yes the fog lifts but only to expose a broken landscape of a life. Then begins the real challenge and we're faced with two choices: go back to porn for comfort or start fixing our lives. I chose the latter.

My life isn't perfect and yes it still has its challenges, but I'm much more capable of facing my problems without having to jerk to internet porn every day just to feel normal. My health is better; I can concentrate; I work harder; I sleep better; sex is much better without a porn movie playing in my head; and I'm more engaged and engaging with people because I'm not giving off a pervy "I watch porn all day long" vibe. 

So that's me at 900 days my friend. If you're still struggling, adopt a "porn is not an option" stance, and keep attacking your addiction until you prevail. Addiction never makes anything nor any relationship better. I hope that helps my friends. Love to all.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION AND IT'S NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE.
Title: Re: 900 DAY UPDATE
Post by: Patrick on April 18, 2017, 07:37:43 AM
Hey Lyon, Great to hear from you and I'm so happy you're doing well. You're an inspiration. Thank you and many more happy porn-free days for us all!
Title: Re: 900 DAY UPDATE
Post by: 40New30 on April 18, 2017, 02:21:28 PM
Glad you're coming back to update, we all need reports from people that have made it to the next level.  There's definitely a series of levels and break throughs, life will never be perfect but at least we're not adrift in the fog.
Title: Re: 900 DAY UPDATE
Post by: fyg on April 18, 2017, 03:46:29 PM
Cheers Lyon! You inspire me, and I'm quite sure (and can see) you do many others. What a legend. So happy to hear you are well clear, and have improved all areas of your life! and thanks very much for coming back to encourage :) Thank you for posting in my journal the other week too - and yep, currently looking at how I am and can do things differently this time around. Some positive changes are coming from work I do in therapy, just to share with you, and from being more present in friendships/relationships (little by little) whilst also seeing how others are present and vulnerable in their interactions too. Scary in some ways, but inspiring (people are!) Anyways! Cheers man.
Title: Re: 900 DAY UPDATE
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 19, 2017, 10:22:39 AM
Great post, Lyon. The positive energy is fizzing off you and I soaked it up like sunshine. You just improved my day. Thanks for that. And porn? It's not an option  :D
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on July 25, 2017, 01:26:33 AM
Good day forum. I'm writing with a 1000-day update. I've now gone 2 years 9 months without porn which is about 1000 days. As I have often shared here, there was a time when I couldn't go three (3) minutes without a porn/screen hit. I know because I timed it. I don't have a great deal of advice to share because each journey is different/unique but I can share that I'm much happier without porn in my life. If you haven't read my thread, here is a brief summary. My dopamine addiction started in my 20s and would have killed me. Before joining this forum and www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, a 12-step programme for porn addiction, I was addicted to porn, sex, and masturbation. I would surf porn for 3-6 hours every day and masturbate daily, often twice daily. In addition to the porn and masturbation, I was also addicted to sex (and a gay sex app called Grindr) so I'd have 1-2 hook ups with men a day. I suffered from severe erectile dysfunction, depression, insomnia, and anxiety to name a few. I was also suicidal. Had I not overcome my addictions, I know for certain that they would have killed me. So reboot/recovery wasn't a choice for me, it was a question of life or death.

When reading over my early posts, it feels a bit like reading a diary from high school. I'm now at a place in my recovery where I'm learning honesty, authenticity, and a self-awareness that I never thought possible. In the past, porn conditioned me to believe that unless I had a perfect body, massive penis, and face of a model, I was somehow unloveable or perhaps undeserving. How sad. Now that I've thrown off the completely false notion that I have to look like a porn star and have sex like a porn star, recovery has allowed me to develop an incredible sense of inner peace and self-awareness. This allows me to connect with people almost instantly. Case in point I've had countless people just say to me spontaneously, "You're a good man" or "I've never worked with someone like you" and so on. I find that complete strangers now grab my hand or touch my shoulder when speaking with me because they somehow feel comfortable around me. Rather than feed my ego, I now get that people are drawn to who I am as a person rather than some false sexual identity I'm putting out there. This is all new to me and a wonderful experience that's spilled over to my love life as well. I've been with the same boyfriend for over five years and our relationship has improved as well. Up until last September, he was closeted with his family and told me he wanted to remain closeted. I told him that I disagreed but respected his decision as I would never live in another man's closet. I left him in June 2016, he told me he wanted to get back together and I did so because I loved him...but on the condition he come out in 90 days (his family all knew anyway). He's been out since last September and we recently went to a family reunion where he put me on his family tree as his partner. I was floored because none of this would have been possible had I not had the self-esteem to stand up for honesty and authenticity in my relationship.

I'll now end this rambling post with my favourite TS Eliot quote: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." This is where I am today. I have and always will be me. For a time, I needed my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation to cope. Reboot taught me the skills to live porn-free, but that was just the beginning of my journey. Porn was nothing but a distraction. What I needed to do was find out why I needed porn and then fix that. It's taken A LOT of time and effort to reach the essence of who I am and, most importantly, to truly love that person. I now truly love myself and this beautiful, authentic, and honest self-awareness allows me to connect with the beautiful people in my life, while deftly avoiding those who would put this hard-earned serenity at risk.

Porn was simply the tip of iceberg my friends. What got me to 1000 days porn-free was understanding the 9/10ths of my problems that were under water and dealing with them. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. I wish you all a happy and healthy day porn-free. Love Lyon. 
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on July 26, 2017, 05:26:15 AM
lyon03,

I cannot begin to describe how important your message is to all of us.
There is hope and the journey is worthwhile.

thank you so much for being the shining beacon for all of us
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: horpio on July 29, 2017, 03:05:33 AM
Hi Lyon03
So good to see and hear that you're on the good path :-) 2 years 9 months. That is awesome
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: Gracie on July 29, 2017, 07:22:24 AM
Hey friend, hope you are reading the replies to the posts.  We have known each other a long time.  We are doing fine in my life.  The one thing I can say is that we are so close.  The other is I am surprised at the depth and breadth of the hurt for the partner.  It truly is one day at a time.  I am so thrilled that things in your life have come together.  I wish more people could realize porn is a false need that obscures the real need for attachment.

Good for you for realizing that!   
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 08, 2017, 09:21:56 AM
54 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out Gracie. I'm coming back to RN for the countdown to three years porn-free. Why? While I haven't relapsed I can still feel myself falling back into bad porn-like screen habits such as too much social media and watching trashy reality TV. Best to nip that in the bud before it becomes a real problem which is why I'm back. This addiction is a slippery slope. So I'm going to post here daily until three years PMO-free to remain accountable, while also encouraging others. Glad to be back and thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 08, 2017, 10:14:07 AM
Whew! I've just posted on a whack of other threads. I just wanted to share that one of the greatest tools aiding my recovery was this forum. But none of us are islands, so I'd encourage you to post as well as encourage fellow Rebooters. My porn addiction isolated me from both friends and family alike and I found great support in sharing with like-minded people here. Posting on someone else's thread makes their day and encourages them to follow you. It's win-win. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 11, 2017, 06:52:14 AM
Good day team. 51 days until 3 years porn-free / 1 day since watching Youtube. I'm also going to start a YouTube free counter because I'm using it like a type of g-rated porn sub. I have to get back to work so I'll check in again tomorrow. Be well my friends.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 12, 2017, 12:40:16 AM
Lyon,

life is good for you and i am very happy for you.

Thank you for coming back too even when you have been successful for so long.

it is so admirable that you remember your roots , and come back to show us that it is possible.

thank you
thank you
thank you
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 12, 2017, 03:55:29 AM
47 days until 3 years porn free: My pleasure friend and thanks for the shout out. As I've learned, reboot and recovery aren't perfect, nor eternal. I think of my recovery from porn addiction a bit like maintaining a healthy body: it takes daily effort. When I recently found myself back on the YouTube & reality TV diet, it was like eating mental junk food. Yuck. As the screens increased, I found myself getting less sleep, feeling groggy, and so on. It felt like the porn hang overs of yore. So this forum is like my daily workouts while also remaining accountable. Speaking of which, I had a productive work day yesterday which felt good but then ended the evening watching YouTube videos on my phone much too late. This is a yellow zone for me because YouTube videos may lead to "workout" or soft porn vids and then I'll find myself in a relapse which I really don't want. But I didn't watch any junky reality TV which is a good thing. "Progress not perfection" as they say in 12-step programs. Speaking of which, if you are really struggling with porn addiction as I have in the past, you might consider joining www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (also called PAA). If there is an emotional or psychological component to your porn addiction, such as anger, sex addiction, and the like, I found working a 12-step program and attending weekly phone-in meetings very helpful. They also have a forum and message board. I remain a member of PAA although I now attend meetings about once or twice a month. Anyhow, that's all I have to share today my friends. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 12, 2017, 08:25:04 AM
Lyon03, I have read your story a few times, now. Your candor is a beacon of hope for all of us. You have also talked to every one of us in words we understand. It is up to us to take our personal journeys to the next step. And it is clear that the longer we stick to it, the less burdensome it gets and the healthier we become. You have shown us that. A big hug of thanks.

1000 days, dude, that is awesome! We are all here to cheer you on past that line.

-JJ.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 13, 2017, 07:05:42 AM
46 days until 3 years porn free: Thanks for the shout out JJ. I'm doing well today. Yesterday I had rugby practice, I stayed off the reality TV, and got a good night's sleep. Now I'm back at my desk and getting back to work. I'll share more tomorrow my friend. In the meantime, please feel free to contact me with your questions about reboot. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 13, 2017, 07:40:42 AM
I don’t get this thing with what you call reality TV. From what I have seen (very little), it is about as real as car chase scenes are for teaching how to drive (your excellent metaphor).

Again, from what I have seen channel-flipping, some reality shows portray people suggestively (un)dressed and with sexual innuendo. These are risky business.  Of course, if your reality tv consists of the cooking channel competitions, I suggest you take notes.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 14, 2017, 05:18:30 AM
45 days (or 1.5 months) until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for posting friend. What do I mean by reality TV? I'm trying to change my life by focusing on things that enrich it. Reality TV is like mental junk food: it does nothing for me, doesn't help me reach any goals, and just shows terrible behaviour. Not unlike porn if I make a mental diet of YouTube videos and reality TV, my brain gets lazy. This is why it's something I have to monitor because I don't want to fall into the trap that spending hours on end in front of a screen is just as bad as spending hours fapping to porn on a screen. So I need to monitor my TV and YouTube habits so as not to fall into the trap of porn subs. I hope I've answered your question. Moving on, I'm feeling good today. A little groggy because I was late to bed but just about to head to the gym (back day today) and then back to work. I'm still porn (and porn sub) free. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Thanks for reading friends. How are all of you? 
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: Gracie on September 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM
Lyon, so good to see an old friend here talking about success!  I am happy that things are going so well.  There are so many that are here a short time and when the road is bumpy they disappear.  I wish all could know that to beat this, one needs to live externally not internally.  Reaching out live among the living not inside your head.  Talk about happiness, sadness, frustration, anger and confusion with others!  Don't let it bog you down inside your head on the hamster wheel.  There is a reason we live with others whether with a partner or friends or family.  We are meant to share!  We are meant to communicate, we are meant to be happy.  We are not meant to be secretive, we are not meant to lie, we are not meant to hurt others.  We are not meant to use others.

So reach out and live life!  Laugh, have a good time!  And as Freddy Mercury said "find somebody to love"

https://youtu.be/kijpcUv-b8M
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 14, 2017, 09:16:10 AM
Lyon,
Can i suggest reading?
I dont watch much tv these days, preferring instead to listen to podcast, audiobooks or read ebooks.
Its more meaningful, experiencing the lives, thoughts and emotions of others.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 15, 2017, 03:16:02 AM
44 days until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for the recommendation friend. Last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour, stayed off the reality TV (one of my porn-subs), and earlier had a very productive work day. I've learned there is a pattern to my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) and also to healing from addictions. It goes something like this:

1. Rock bottom: When I get to a point that addictions are harming me. For example, most men come to this forum because of erectile dysfunction. I knew I needed help because I was depressed and suicidal.

2. Realization: The moment when I understood my porn addiction was causing most of my problems: erectile dysfunction; insomnia; depression; migraines; etc.

3. Getting Help: Joining a forum like this to get help while learning everything I could about porn addiction. The book "Your Brain on Porn" was an invaluable resource in early reboot.

4. Pink Cloud: This is term often used in 12-step programs. Here is a definition I just found: "The term 'pink cloud' refers to a state of mind, usually experienced in early sobriety, characterized by unusual happiness and grandiosity in spite of rather difficult life circumstances." I see my addictions like obesity. Yes I can identify junk food as the cause of my obesity and I might even join an online forum to exchange about weight problems. But it takes ACTION and a lot of sweat to lose the weight.

5. The Long March: This was the daily work it took for me to remain sober. And for me that meant: daily posts here; reading EVERYTHING about porn and addiction; joining a 12-step program for porn addiction; daily exercise; healthy living; weekly 12-step meetings and so on. So while I might have felt a pink cloud (see above) level of happiness in early reboot, this was just the start of my journey. Looking at this forum, I see a lot of members start off strong but then fizzle. I did the same the many times I'd tried to quit watching porn in the past. A burst of optimism but then I'd hit a speedbump and I'd be right back on the porn in some f*cked of way of managing my emotions. What I now understand is that it took me the better part of two decades to complete f*ck up my life. So I'd be naïve to think it would take just 90 days to turn things around. Here I am three years later and still working on myself. Recovery from addiction is a lifelong commitment. It's like staying in shape; it takes daily effort.

So that's where I am today my friends. Still porn-free but when I found myself slipping and falling back into bad habits, I'm glad I came back here to maintain my recovery. Let's call it preventative maintenance. And now off to the gym. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on September 16, 2017, 10:06:04 AM
Lyon -just dropping by to say 'hello', and thanks for all your posts to me and other people on  here, sharing your experience you have gained in your vast amount of time porn free. Your last one on my journal has really helped me to move on from searching for rubbish on youtube and other "Gateway Porn" as you call it.
-Strike
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 16, 2017, 04:28:42 PM
43 days until 3 years porn-free. Thanks for the shout out friend. I'm checking before bed here in Europe. Great day today: playing soccer with my son; gym; some clothes shopping for my trip home next week; and then dinner/sightseeing with one of my best friends. Life is good porn-free. Be well everyone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 17, 2017, 06:06:45 AM
Interesting parallel. I have been clothes shopping in Canada for my upcoming trip to France.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: Chunky1973 on September 17, 2017, 06:27:10 AM
your story sounds exactly like mine. I started about the same age after finding my fathers stash and from then on it just took over my life. Now I've found someone special and want to stop so I can have a " normal" sexlife. I've been porn free and masterbasion free for over a month now but I'm worried that my erections won't come back. Glad I've found this site though as I know I'm not the only one going through this
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 17, 2017, 08:37:57 AM
Thank you for posting friend. I'm assuming you were born in 1973, now age 44. If yes, it should take between 60-90 days of no PMO (no porn, no masturbation, nor orgasms) for your erections to come back. But that time may vary depending on age, health, and the degree of your porn addiction. I look forward to following your journey. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 18, 2017, 05:22:25 AM
42 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I woke up super motivated today which is a good thing. Worked a bit this morning, then gym, now lunch and then more work. Things are progressing and I'm happy to have come back here to count down to 3 years porn-free. What a journey it's been my friends. Saturday I'll be flying back home to introduce my boyfriend of five years to friends and family...another milestone of sorts. Lest I forget where I came from, in December 2013 I seriously considered suicide as the only solution. Living in the closet, trapped in an unhappy marriage, addicted to porn, sex, and masturbation it's a miracle that I didn't commit suicide. And on that sunny note, I'm going to have lunch. Feel free to post your questions or comments friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 18, 2017, 06:55:05 AM
Lyon, it is no miracle that you are here today.  It is the result of your strong will and determination to overcome the bad stuff, to stick to it, and to pick yourself up and keep trying if you didn’t. Living a double life is tortuous to say the least, and causes much pain for the duplicitous one and equally for those around him. We have no other choice.

Thank you for continuing to write your story – we who are on this journey benefit so much from the heroism you have shown.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 18, 2017, 03:41:33 PM
Thanks brother. But I'm no hero. I'm just a guy who hit rock bottom, made a decision to change my life, and worked like hell to make it happen. The true heroes are the men and women who keep coming back, relapse after relapse, and eventually prevail over this terrible addiction. But I appreciate the shout out nonetheless my friend. Another day porn-free and now I'm off to bed. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 19, 2017, 08:09:55 AM
41 days until 3 years porn-free. Good day nation! Today has been a very challenging day, health-wise. Yesterday I did something very cathartic. I cleaned all of the clutter out of my apartment. I've often referred to an emotional reboot like mine, meaning a reboot for someone like me whose emotional issues resulted in my addictions, as similar to cleaning out a cluttered garage. So yesterday I FINALLY hunkered down and organized, threw out, and just b*lls out de-cluttered my life. It felt INCREDIBLE. (On a side note, it's scary just how many f*cking car phone chargers one man can buy in his lifetime. I'm talking like 20 because I could never find the last one I bought as it was lost in the morass.) Now everything is organized: clothes; business documents; personal stuff, the works. It felt great and I had a productive work day yesterday as well. Cut to today, I was up early, did some work, and then went to the gym for a workout (back day today). While working I was feeling a bit off, like a two-beer buzz and I thought it might be the start of a migraine. Now if you read through my posts, while in active dopamine addiction I suffered from paralysing ocular migraines. I believe these were a result of my f*cked up brain chemistry and my last migraine was in January 2015 (you can read about it here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.msg31282#msg31282). So I'm at the gym and my vision is going all blurry like the onset of one mother of a migraine. But I'm proud of myself for continuing my workout nonetheless. Then the pain starts like a needle going through the back of my left eye. I know myself and my migraines. So the only thing to do in this situation is to put myself to bed in a dark room. I tried but the pain was incredibly intense, then the nausea started (but no barfing), so I was up a few times spitting bile into the toilet. I finally got to sleep, slept for about two hours, got up, and am now posting here.

So what's my point? I'm disappointed because this feels like a step back. I can only describe this like a hangover for an alcoholic but without having touched a drink. My migraines were caused by a mix of f*cked up brain chemistry due to porn addiction and....STRESS. Before I did the addict thing, which is tell myself, "I'm not stressed. I'm perfectly fine." I thought about what happened yesterday that could have stressed me out and BINGO. I knew what it was which is why I want to share it fully here.

On Saturday, I'm flying back home with my long-term boyfriend. This will be the first time he meets my parents, family, and friends. When I was chatting with my mom yesterday, she said something like this, "We can't wait to see you and meet your boyfriend F____. Does he speak English?" That's what set me off and resulted in my migraine today. If you don't know my background story, I was married to a woman for 18 years. I came out to her five years ago, we separated three years ago, and have been divorced for two years. I came out to my family three years ago and they've been incredibly supportive. I have a particularly complicated relationship with my mom. She wanted me to follow a certain career path: I didn't. She wanted me to live nearby: I moved overseas. And (of course) she wanted me to have a wife and kids: I did but blew that all up when I came out. I've spent most of my life rebelling against my mum while desperately seeking her approval. So I'm scared about F___ meeting her because it brings up all of these f*cked up approval/disappointment issues.

Migraines are my body's last sign that I'm in denial. While the migraine I had today was probably about a 4/10, with my previous Hurricane-strength migraine (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2531.msg31282#msg31282) being a 10/10, I'm getting better at reading the cues which is why I'm sharing all of this here. So I'm scared sh*tless about my homecoming, have now admitted if to myself by posting here, and will probably post about it again.

That's me today my friends. Thanks for reading. Love to all. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   




   
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 19, 2017, 09:38:46 AM
Lyon,

thank you for sharing this with us.

I wish things were much smoother for you, but you know, we cant please everyone.

At the end of the day, it is our life, and we must manage it and be as responsible about it towards ourselves first

you are who you are
there is no need or place for embarrassment or shame just because we are not living up to other people's expectations for us
life is difficult enough already.

May i suggest this:
instead of fearing or avoiding this topic with her, perhaps this is a great opportunity to show extraordinary love for your mom during this visit.
spend some time walking with her, holding her hand, smile hug and kiss her
lavish her with some gifts
keep on forgiving her and let go whenever she may say something not to your liking.

the mind works in strange ways.
our thoughts and intentions have a self fulfilling prophesy because we are actively looking for clues to confirm our bias
So, visualizing an accepting mom may help :)

Take care my friend.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on September 19, 2017, 11:36:42 AM
Hi Lyon I read your account of The Mother Of All Migraines and its causes -fascinating! Great insights.
Sorry to hear you been revisited by one (I hate them they are terribly painful)
It must really help knowing the reasons why.
The meet-the-family thing (or at least the most intense first part of it) will all be over this time next week. Though it  seems that the worst aspect is not the event, but how you feel bout it and that stuff with your mum.
Hope it all goes well for you. Take courage and take no shit!
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: DV8 on September 19, 2017, 08:53:16 PM
Oh the ‘prodigal son’. That story resonates with your predicament. I find the return to the family stressful and reviling. It’s also an opportunity to flex our muscle of independence and compassion. It can serve as a compass of how well we have mastered our ability to self-regulate. Family knows your buttons and knows when to push them. It’s amazing to hear that you have such a powerful response to real or perceived danger (i.e. the migraine). You have my support on this visit to you family. I believe in you!
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 20, 2017, 05:46:06 AM
So, you are anxious about this very emotional upcoming reunion and who could blame you for being so? If migraines are your typical nervous reaction to stress in the past, this should not be surprising.

You call this a step back. A step back would be "I really hope that my mother will approve of F". A step forward is "I have found true happiness and love and I want you to share it with me". My own mother never approved of anything, even someone's success - there was always something better to be had. Is that what you are facing? Family approval is nice when you are a kid, but you leave the nest at a point and your happiness is paramount once you reach adulthood. Make that the measure of this meeting.  Whatever happens next week, the Lyon03 that goes home - that comes back here - is the one we all know and respect.
Title: Re: 1000 Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 20, 2017, 06:22:24 AM
40 days until 3 years porn-free. Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Your support is always helpful and I'd encourage you to support our fellow members through posting on their threads as well (something I'll do after posting an update here). I'm feeling better today, albeit in a "day-after-the-24-hour-flu-type" way. I think you're right friends, I need to "let go and let God" as they often say in 12-step programs. While the first part of yesterday was sh*tty because of my migraine, the afternoon and evening were pretty epic. Six months ago, I joined a gay rugby team in my area. I did this for several reasons: first, I've always wanted to play rugby and just thought "f*ck it, now or never"; second, I've had a lifelong fear of contact sports and playing rugby has certainly helped me overcome it; third, other than some volleyball in highschool, I've never really played a (contact) team sport; and finally, I wanted to meet gay guys in a healthy, respectful, non-sexual, and sportsman-like environment (meaning not in bars, clubs or saunas). It's been a blast and I gave it my all at last night's practice. We were doing tackling drills which was PERFECT for burning off any negative emotions from yesterday. I also carpooled to the practice with two other players and it was great getting to know them. Why am I sharing all of this? Despite a stress-induced migraine yesterday, I can't forget how far I've come in just a few years. While I stumbled yesterday, I didn't completely fall off the mountain so to speak via relapse, self-harm, denial etc. So I'm back on track today and ready to travel home with my boyfriend Saturday. Yes it scares the sh*t out of me to be 100% out/gay with my family, but it's ultimately all in my head. They've told me time and time again that they're ok with it. I have to believe them and get on with it. Thanks for reading friends. MIGRAINES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 20, 2017, 07:23:14 AM
Yeah, it's all in the head. All of this.

Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 21, 2017, 01:43:15 AM
39 days until 3 years porn-free (and 2 days before I fly home with my BF). Good morning RN! I'm fully recovered from my migraine/flu two days ago, have just done some work, and am now off to the gym (shoulders today). I don't have a lot to share today my friends so this will be a quick post. I've now almost fully organized my apartment and office, although there are some bits and bobs that I still need to tidy, I've done the majority of the work. Cleaning out real clutter also means clearing out mental clutter I reckon and, thanks to your love and support, I've done that this week. I'm glad to have shared about my hesitation to travel back home with my boyfriend. (He'll be meeting my family in about a week's time.) My reboot was mostly about dealing with emotional issues, such as fear and shame, the resulted in my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation. Just when I thought to myself, "I've got this" WHAM I got a migraine because I denied rather than faced a kind of f*cked up internalized homophobia. So today I'm glad to have this forum and all of you. On the addiction front, I'm all clear. No seeking, gateway porn, masturbation, nor meaningless hook ups, nor any real desire for them which is a good thing. In the deepest depths of my addictions, I couldn't go more than three minutes without a porn hit (I know because I timed it), I'd spend all day on Grindr (a gay hook up app) trolling for sex, and I'd masturbate 1-2x a day. I'm glad I'm no longer that broken man although I'm grateful that overcoming my addictions has brought me a better sense of self and self awareness. But it was hard-earned my friends. I'll end my rambling post there. I wish you all a strong recovery day. Wax on! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on September 21, 2017, 04:43:01 AM
Good to read your 'ramble' -all valid and useful stuff.
39 days to go til the 3 year mark! Counting with you Lyon.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 21, 2017, 05:19:36 AM
Lyon,

you are 100% human, imperfect and beautiful, flawed yet complete, as we all are and should be.

I admire you greatly for accepting who you are and facing all your fears however difficult and painful they may be.

Go strong and keep living your life fully my friend !

Have no fear, it is just another day !
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 21, 2017, 11:49:44 AM
Thanks for the shouts out my friend. There is no "perfect" reboot. Nor is there complete freedom from addictions. Through trial and error, I've learned that my addictions were simply the tip of the iceberg...9/10ths of my emotional problems remained under water. So yes I am, will always be, and forever remain an addict with a highly addictive personality. HOWEVER what I've learned through reboot is that I can only manage my emotions and impulses when I let them wash over me. Allow me to explain. I turn to my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) when I try to dam my feelings through denial. Now when people ask me how I'm doing, I don't just knee-jerk say, "I'm FINE." I'll say something more direct such as "I'm f*cking fine." One of the many things I admire about my boyfriend is his b*lls out honesty about how he feels...about anything. Two days ago was a very good example. One of his apartment's drainage pipes was humming because something was blocking it. This noise was f*cking maddening and it woke us up several times during the night and again in the morning. When my BF hasn't slept he's a real ogre. So not surprisingly, he said "I'm tired and angry" when we were having breakfast together and he was rather short with me. Then it struck me: I was doing EVERYTHING possible to cheer him up...and it wasn't helping at all. In fact, I was just pissing him off even more. Then it hit me. Why am I trying to change the way he feels? Why am I always trying to change the way I feel? That's the root of my addictions. I'm constantly looking outside of myself to find peace when true, durable, long-term recovery has to come from WITHIN. End of rant! Thanks for reminding me of that TAN. Be well my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 21, 2017, 12:13:30 PM
So true, lyon, the porn addiction is likely not a cause but a symptom of something else, more deep-rooted. Unfortunately, addictions take over and dominate.

In my own case, I have come to realize it has to do with growing up in a home devoid of demonstrated feelings or love, something I have gotten over with the help of a loving wife. Unfortunately, a lifetime of withholding feelings left me without loving friends, without the ability to show loving friendship, and when the porn thing came along, it screwed with my brain. So, quitting porn alone was only one step. I had already been doing a lot of soul-searching (which led to the porn, by the way) and am now on top of it. Quitting porn addiction was the "cherry on the sundae".
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 22, 2017, 06:43:55 AM
38 days until 3 years porn-free (and 1 day before I fly home with my BF). Thank you everyone for your messages and encouragement. I'm still porn, masturbation, and sex addiction free. This will be a quick post today my friends as I don't have a lot of time. The week started off poorly with a stress-induced migraine, then last night I was really sick (and I rarely get sick), but today I'm feeling better - both mentally and physically. Tomorrow I fly back home with my boyfriend and I'm feeling more relaxed about it. If you're just reading this post, I was married to a woman, came out to my family three years ago, divorced two years ago, and am now traveling home to introduce my boyfriend to the family. I didn't think I was stressed out until I got a migraine Monday which threw me a bit because while in active porn addiction, I constantly suffered from migraines. So while I thought all was ok Monday with regards to this trip home, clearly I was stressed which resulted in a low-grade migraine. Got it? Cut to today and I'm still feeling stressed but am no longer in denial. And denial about  my sexuality, happiness, needs etc. was one of the root causes of my addictions. I'll end my rambles there. I'll probably be back in touch in about 2-3 days my friends. Have a good weekend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 22, 2017, 06:58:27 AM
All the best to you in the coming days.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: MonkeyShark on September 22, 2017, 12:24:07 PM
thanks for sharing where you are. Good luck with going home to see family. I look forward to an update about your weekend and how you were able to manage stress while you were back home.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 22, 2017, 08:40:29 PM
Lyon,

you've given and helped more than most people ever will on this forum, and I believe elsewhere in your life too.
Go forth with no shame or doubt!
You are worth so much more than anyone who dares think less of you.

You are much loved, respected and appreciated !
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 25, 2017, 10:27:32 AM
35 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I'm back in my native Canada with the boyfriend and we're enjoying an unusual September heatwave. (Canadians are the only fans of global warming.) Last week around this time, I was suffering from a stress-related migraine and thankfully the only headache I've had in the past 48 hours was due to a late night bender with my best friend from college...incidentally also a member of the fabulous pink mafia (aka he's gay too). We'll be home for my boyfriend to meet my parents Wednesday so fingers crossed. No signs of addictive behaviours, nor porn seeking as I slowly close in on three f*cking years porn free...incredible! Thanks for reading friends and I hope to check in again soon. Love Lyon.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on September 25, 2017, 06:47:20 PM
Glad you're feeling well, fellow Canadian (eh). Enjoy the heat. The true north weather returns on Thursday.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: MonkeyShark on September 27, 2017, 09:00:18 PM
Hi Lyon,

It's Wednesday and I've found myself wondering how things with your family are going. I know there probably isn't a lot of time for an update, but I'll just let you know someone out here is thinking good thoughts for you and hoping you are migraine free!

MonkeyShark :)
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on September 30, 2017, 04:57:18 PM
29 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum! It's been a while between posts so I thought I'd check in. First and foremost, I'm happy to report that I'm PMO-free (porn, masturbation, orgasm). So I hope to make it to three years porn-free at the end of October. If you haven't read my thread, I traveled back to my native Canada with my boyfriend of five years so he could meet my family. I didn't think I was stressed about it but was clearly in denial as I got a low-grade migraine about ten days ago. Denial was/is a huge part of my addictions. So I was frustrated with myself for neglecting my feelings, in this case apprehension about bringing a boyfriend home, to a point that my body reacted. But live and learn. We landed in Canada last Saturday and had a fantastic time together before meeting up with my family Wednesday night. They loved my boyfriend and he clearly loved them so everything went better than expected. As my aunt said to me at a cocktail party last night, "One less thing to worry about." How true. Now I'm spending a few days with my parents before flying home to Europe Wednesday. Life is good my friends. So what's my point? Roughly four years ago I was closeted, married, angry, addicted (to porn, masturbation, and sex), and thought suicide was my only way out. Had I not stopped watching porn I would have killed myself, either via suicide or perhaps via a head-on collision while sexting on Grindr (a gay hook up application). One of the most amazing benefits of reboot/recovery is being 100% myself and I find this gives people the emotional space to be themselves as well. Case in point, during the cocktail party at my parents place last night, no fewer than three different people felt comfortable enough with me to share secrets they'd been holding most of their lives. This happens to me a lot these days and it often goes something like this: I share something very personal about myself and in return people just spontaneously share their innermost thoughts with me. While in active porn addiction, I know gave off a creepy porn vibe that put people off. It was the emotional equivalent of a chainsmoker reeking of cigarettes. These days, I'm putting out something that actually draws people to me and I have to admit that I really like it. So that's where I am today my friends. I've just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport and will now have a quiet evening with my parents. Life is good. Thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 30, 2017, 05:14:27 PM
Lyon,

I'm really happy for you.
Things almost are never as bad as we make them out to be.
I personally think the best thing to come out from this or any addiction recovery is connecting with ourselves emotionally and rewiring our psychology and the way we perceive the world to be less hard on ourselves and be more open to abundance and happiness.
We keep seeing bad when we're PMOing because we don't feel good about ourselves and we weren't properly crediting our successes. Now that we've detached from this awful addiction, we're better able at accepting our real wants and self, being more honest, and so naturally we learn to see the world with happier and more optimistic eyes.
So happy your reunion turned out so well.
So happy that you discovered its not about living up to expectations, but realizing that everyone loves you and only wants you to live well and happily.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 01, 2017, 08:44:51 AM
29 days until 3 years porn-free: Happy Sunday forum. Thanks for your support friends. I'm just off to the gym. All clear on the addiction front. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 02, 2017, 07:52:39 AM
28 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum. I'm just methodically counting down to October 29th which will mark three years porn-free for me. I thought it would be interesting to look back at who I was in the depths of my porn addiction. Here is what I wrote after going 90 days porn-free. In the depths of my addiction, I was:

- Porn, masturbation, sex addict
- Depressed
- Suicidal
- Severe erectile dysfunction and drippy ejaculations
- Insomnia
- Broken marriage
- Unhappy children
- Pathological liar
- Completely unable to work (my attention span was 3 minutes)
- Addicted to fleshy reality TV
- Addicted to video games
- Suffered from paralysing migraines
- Complete *sshole: angry, full of resent
- Isolated and alone, very anti-social

What I failed to mention is that my screen and sex habits would have likely killed me. For example:

- I'd hook up with guys almost every day via Grindr (a gay sex app)
- I'd be texting on Grindr...while driving!

Last night my aunt had Sunday dinner for my whole family. I live in Europe so I don't get to attend many of these family gatherings. The weather was perfect, the food abundant, and I was feeling the love. It was heaven. If you're reading this and are estranged from your loved ones because of addiction(s), don't run and hide like I did for decades. Don't manufacture resent nor make up petty grievances while stewing in resentment. Thank God I learned before I died that there is no greater nor healthier high than being around the people we love. Porn is simply a toxic substitute for love. It's like trying to get happy while injecting heroin. Porn is a kind of visual heroin for the brain.

Last night at my aunt's house EVERYONE told me that I look better, healthier, and happier than I ever have. One of the things I most enjoy about reboot/recovery is being 100% myself with friends and family. I find this often gives them the  emotional space and confidence to be 100% themselves with me. That's a really good feeling.

In January I'll turn 46 but it's just a number. Now porn-free, getting older doesn't really phase me. I am so happy that I've learned to live porn-free and am slowly learning to be my authentic self. As you can read from my thread, this has been a slow and tortuous road. Had I continued to drown in my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex for another three years, I'd probably be dead rather than posting here. Life is truly a gift my friends and life is too short to spend all of my time fapping in front of a computer screen. So today I'm very grateful for RN, my recovery/sobriety, and all of you. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 02, 2017, 09:59:42 AM
Lyon, you are definitely the poster boy for this program.  Any one of those items is a recipe for disaster; together, well, no one can imagine what you saw in the mirror in the morning. That you overcame it all is a testament to your strong will and determination. Your well-documented story (rambles as you call them) shows how the human spirit is strong and how it is possible to succeed if we muster up the strength to overcome these things.

And a special thanks for the support you have shown us all.
 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 03, 2017, 05:43:50 AM
Lyon, that is so good to hear! Truly inspiring -you have created a healthy life full warmth and closeness with the people you love. And I agree with all that jjacks just said before me.
Looking forward to reading more of your "ramblings"
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 03, 2017, 08:57:37 AM
27 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning nation! This is a quick check in before the gym. I'm doing well: no seeking; gateway porn; nor addictive behaviours (sex, porn, masturbation). Is this what recovery/sobriety feels like? I don't have anything life-changing to share today. Just a 'feelin fine' kind of post. How are all of you? PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 03, 2017, 09:00:22 AM
feelin' fine
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Patrick on October 03, 2017, 11:10:27 AM
Hi Lyon, I'm rooting for you! So glad you are on such a long-time streak. Feelin groovy. Feelin fine. Have a safe trip home!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 04, 2017, 09:53:36 AM
26 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shouts out friends. Today I fly home to Europe after a 10-day stay in my native Canada. It's been a wonderful holiday although I'm looking forward to heading home, sleeping in my own bed, and (of course) seeing my boyfriend again. I was recently in a gay bar and saw some real-world effects of how porn has changed gay culture and perhaps society at large. There was this absolutely stunning guy walking around the bar and he couldn't get anyone's attention. He had model good looks, a fantastic body, but nobody was talking to him. They were all watching the porn videos playing over the bar. NO ONE WAS TALKING. The porn was playing over the bar like a baseball game would have played at a sports bar. When I saw it was porn, at first I turned my back to it, then I went to another part of the bar without screens, and finally left the bar because all the guys were mesmerized by it. The brief glimpse I saw didn't trigger me and I don't feel there was much sexual stimulation...this is a good thing. Anyhow this poor (hot) guy was walking around clearly looking to engage with someone, anyone, but no one gave him a second look because they were hypnotized by the porn vids. What a sad example of how screens have changed even how we interact in gay bars. So I'm looking forward to some real-world interaction with my boyfriend when I get home! That's all I have to share today my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 04, 2017, 10:24:24 AM
That's a rather sad commentary on where our society is headed.  "Virtual masturbation"? Ouch.

Safe travels, Lyon.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 05, 2017, 03:40:37 PM
25 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum. I'm back home in Europe and, well, it kinda sucks. I remember when I'd come home from business trips and the kids would be crawling all over me. Now I came home to an empty apartment with stack of mail/bills. I remember coming home from a month-long summer trip years ago and my son, then around 8 years old, sprinted to see me and jumped into my arms. I miss my kids and prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness. But I still remain porn-free. I'm off to bed my friends. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 06, 2017, 04:03:56 AM
Hi Lyon, thanks for creating such a helpful template of what recovery can look like. Sorry your kids weren't there to welcome you home but appreciate you sharing the not so good as well as the good parts of recovery - that loneliness sucks... but is manageable without turning to porn to cope with it. All the best, TrueMe
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 06, 2017, 05:19:09 AM
Hey, Lyon,
You said:
Quote
I [...] prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness

a strong message .. fighting addiction is a long-term battle, and this forum is the long-term go-to place to beat it.

Thanks for sharing.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 07, 2017, 04:16:17 AM
23 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! Just a quick check in on a beautiful Saturday morning. I'm still porn-free and feeling much better after my mini breakdown two days ago following my return to Europe. I hope you are all doing well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 07, 2017, 07:36:36 AM
That bar scene you describe, I find that quite disturbing -how people are rejecting real, true life experience in favour of empty fantasy. Or maybe it is simply another indication of the prevalence of porn use and how it hijacks peoples natural desires.

Glad to hear you are feeling better, Lyon, and that things have gone well for you.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 09, 2017, 12:59:55 AM
21 days until 3 years porn-free: I'm now just three weeks from my goal of three years porn-free. This is nothing short of a miracle my friends. This means I've gone 1076 days without porn. When I first started my reboot, I had no idea how toxic porn was. Hell I didn't even know what dopamine was, nor that I was addicted to it. I had zero idea how much porn had contributed to my mental health issues: depression; anxiety; insomnia; and anger to name a few. That all changed around the three-week mark porn-free. Here is what I shared on day 17:

"Still feeling the physical effects of withdrawal: fitful sleep last night; low-grade headache; difficulty concentrating; legs shaking while sleeping. It's scary the neurological effects this addiction can have. I had some powerful urges to masturbate yesterday but fought them off but strangely no urges to view porn even though I spend most days working on the computer."

I remember my legs shaking me awake that night. It scared the sh*t out of me. It brought home the message that my porn addiction was real (rather than imagined), going porn-free was having a huge effect on my brain, and forever destroyed the idea that porn was harmless. 

That's all I have to share today my friends. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on October 09, 2017, 06:56:03 AM
Lyon,
To be able to look back is to have already gone forward.
I'm so happy for your commitment to your personal cause and goals.
We have left the darkness behind us. Its only light where we're heading to.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 10, 2017, 05:26:31 AM
20 days until 3 years porn-free: The final stretch! I woke up feeling groggy today after a very late night. I'm heading back to the gym after an almost two-week hiatus due to my vacation. I hit the gym a few times when I was back in Canada but not every day as I do here at home. Chest day today. As a recovering porn, sex, and masturbation addict, I need to lead a highly-structured life otherwise I tend to fall back into bad habits. One huge part of my recovery is exercise. I got back into shape about six years ago and need my daily workouts to regulate mood, sleep, and just generally feel better. Just three years ago, my biggest exercise was death-grip fapping to pornography. Near the end of my addiction, I'd watched so much gay porn (gay being my God-given sexuality) that only vanilla straight porn could get me off. I mean I'd look on the porn-tube sites and had seen all the gay videos and I mean ALL OF THEM. My brain needed new and novel videos and I could only find it in straight porn. How f*cked up (and full circle) was that? I didn't have a very productive day yesterday but if there is anything I've learned during this process, it's that I can't change nor wallow in shame over yesterday's mistakes and missed opportunities. Today is today. So I'm off to the gym, then lunch, work, and evening rugby practice. As I may have shared in some previous posts, I suffer from a lifelong fear of contact sports and a paralysing fear of being alone. I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and am somewhat estranged from my three kids following my coming out and divorce. So I needed a new group of friends as well. Rather than do the addict/porn-thingy and wallow in my sadness/loneliness in front of my computer screen, I took action. So six months ago I joined a gay rugby team in a nearby town. This killed two birds with one stone: now I have a whole group of new gay friends while also overcoming one of my biggest fears. So while yesterday kinda sucked, today will be better. End of rant my friends! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 10, 2017, 07:43:38 AM
Good to read your latest rant
Yeah Lyon we have good days and bad, with most being a mixture. True what you say bout not getting stuck on yesterday. I too have the tendency to do post mortems and dwell on my mistakes -which I resist as it makes me feel crap, thus making the present moment an unpleasant moment too. keeping the past alive at the expense of the present.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 11, 2017, 01:00:58 AM
19 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I'm hurting after last night's rugby practice and it's heaven. As I shared in a previous post, I joined a gay rugby team about six months ago for several reasons: first, to overcome a lifelong fear of contact sports; second, to make new friends but in a PG/healthy setting; and third, to surround myself with people I look up to. For example, there is a deaf guy on the team. He's my new hero. So this guy is gay, deaf, and (in my mind) just a stupendous bad*ss. If you've read my earlier posts, when I first joined here I shared so much about being a happy gay man that it's pretty clear I was anything but a happy gay man. It's like blurting out to people: "I'm not an alcoholic."

I remember spending the weekend with some friends and some of their friends told me all I talked about was being gay which, "Clearly demonstrated that I WASN'T ok with it." That rattled me a bit but it was true. So what's my point? It's great playing rugby with a bunch of fun, athletic, completely out of the closet guys in an environment where sexuality isn't an issue whatsoever. Roughly a third of the team are straight guys which is probably the coolest thing ever. How comfortable would you have to be in your own skin to play rugby, shower, and hear a lot of d*ck/*ss jokes from a majority-gay team?

My point is that my PMO life was dominated by a lot of oiled up and surgically enhanced porn stars f*cking on camera for money. This wasn't healthy and I always knew it. These people weren't role models, but fantasy. In the depths of my porn addiction, I had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of porn stars and even porn directors. How f*cked up is that? It was like calling fellow addicts in a heroin shooting den "family." In my experience, gay men are generally a "f*ck first, think later" group not because of some moral failing, but because sex between men is pretty easy to find. And I've done my fair share of indulging but now feel ready for something better. Rugby seems to be a good fit. My point is that it feels great to be among men who are healthy, athletic, fun, respectful, and just happen to be gay. So I'm slowly learning to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me while also being role models. It feels great.

End of rant! Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 11, 2017, 04:24:54 AM
Hey Lyon, that's really inspiring you joined up with the rugby team to face your fears and make new friends. Your post shows a ton of self awareness and I'm happy for you it's gone as well as it has - even if you have to wake up hurting for the privilege!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 12, 2017, 03:45:12 PM
18 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out TM. I'm checking in before bed. Yesterday was a write-off work wise. I was tired, in pain, and watched too much YouTube. Today was much better. Calm, serene, positive, and productive. I'm slowly counting down to three years porn-free which is nothing short of a miracle...or perhaps a miracle I worked my *ss off to make a reality. It's late and I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading friends. Love Lyon. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on October 13, 2017, 11:40:40 AM
Counting down with you my friend.
Its more exciting than birthdays haha. Birthdays happen 3 times more often than your 1000+ days anniversary!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 14, 2017, 04:47:17 PM
16 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out TAN. Good day forum! I haven't posted in a few days. A lot has happened since then and I'm glad to have this forum and all of you to share. My recovery from addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation has always been rather rocky. I think it's best described as climbing a mountain: mostly huge effort followed by the occasional plateau or forgiving slope. If anyone reading this is a skier or mountain climber, there are times when the base of a mountain is in the clouds, whereas its peak is in cloudless sunshine (I think it's called "inversion"). Anyhow, this week I feel like I've broken through the clouds for perhaps the second or third time since joining this forum. This week I realized, yet again, that my addictions were born of a very deep-seeded self hatred combined with a complete lack of self-esteem. Last April, I joined a gay rugby team and didn't really understand how profoundly the team and sport would change my life. (Actually the team calls itself "hetero-friendly" as roughly half the players are straight.) At the ripe old age of 45, for some reason I decided to subject myself to intense physical punishment. And it's been more than worth it. I reckon I've been to roughly a dozen practices and yesterday night participated in my first rugby match. It was INCREDIBLE although I'm limping around my apartment today. For most of my life, I've done the same thing over and over again: I've sabotaged relationships and opportunities because I feared that I wasn't good enough. Somehow I've always felt that I didn't deserve things like love, friendship, and success. Up until recently, more often I've run from relationships and responsibilities. While I may be reading too much into this, playing rugby has been a game changer for me. While the sport is incredibly violent, everyone is very polite, respectful, and teams don't have stars. One thing that struck me is that there are no names on the jerseys, just numbers. The coach explained this is because in rugby no player is better than another. So last night I'm thinking to my self "F*CK!" as we confront an opposing team roughly twice our size. Most of the game I spent running panicked in circles because I had no idea where I should be on the field. BUT I made some strong plays, took down some guys roughly twice my size, and made a winning pass. We won the game but that didn't really matter. While I've always been active, this is perhaps the first time I've been 100% myself AND part of a team. After a match, the tradition is to take a photo with both teams combined followed by beers together. It was great and most of my teammates asked how it went, whether I was hurt, and apologized for yelling orders at me. I've been out to my friends & family for three years now. So coming off the heels of a successful trip back home with my boyfriend, I feel like I'm healing something that I didn't realize was wrong with me. And that healing is connection (something this TED talk is about: https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs). It feels like coming out of a long depression only to realize, "Wow I was depressed FOR YEARS." So that's my break through the clouds moment my friends...and I'm not surprised that both a breakthrough with my family and a new group of friends happened just weeks before I'll celebrate a three-year anniversary porn-free. I'm so humbled and grateful. And in this beautiful place there are no addictions nor self-hatred. Thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Farscape1 on October 14, 2017, 05:59:49 PM
Lyons03 you are the man. Congrats.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 15, 2017, 03:47:11 AM
What a beautiful post, you are the man indeed Lyon - big congrats from me too. Got quite emotional reading your post as related so much with your journey through self hatred, low self esteem, depression and sabotaging relationships through the fear of not being good enough. So happy for you that you've made it through the clouds to a place of connection where you feel 100% yourself. Sounds like an awesome team.

Not sure where I'd be without the guys I've been playing football with every week for the last 17 years. Had watched that TED talk before but glad I re-watched it as it's such a powerful message and a reminder that my life still has a way to go before it resembles rat park instead of rat cage. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share that, makes me glad I joined the forum to feel connected and inspired like this.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 15, 2017, 05:28:12 AM
15 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shouts out TrueMe and Farscape. It's a beautiful Sunday here in Europe, I've just limped back from the gym, and I'm posting here before making myself brunch. Tomorrow marks two weeks until I reach a huge recovery milestone and I'm feeling very happy and comfortable in my reboot/recovery these days. As I shared in my last post, I agree wholeheartedly with journalist & author Johann Hari (https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs) that the true cure for addiction is connection. Reading over my many posts, I now understand that I used my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) to fill a void. This void stemmed from a lack of connection with myself. Allow me to explain. Since the age of 5 or 6, I've known that I was gay and yet concealed it. I was a teenager in the late 80s and as many of you may remember, back then gay meant being like Boy George or dying from AIDS. So I hid my sexuality because I didn't want to wear makeup nor die from a horrible STD. Hiding such an integral part of myself created a dangerous disconnect with friends, family, and myself. I first started watching gay porn in the 90s as a way to safely live out my true sexuality. Unfortunately, the escape became all encompassing and I was addicted to pornography on and off for about twenty years. Porn eventually wasn't enough so I became a sex addict as well. What I now understand is that I needed my addictions as some f*cked up way of filling a void. I started healing roughly three years ago through building a connection with myself and others. Connection meant being an active part of this community, joining a 12-step program for porn addiction, coming out to myself and my family, being in a loving relationship, exercising, working, and more recently joining a gay rugby team. I never really understood what Rupaul said about, "Finding your tribe" until now. When I surround myself with happy, stable, and athletic gay men, I can't help but act like them.

Now that I've built and rebuilt positive, honest, and loving connections, I find I don't really need my addictions anymore. Here's a practical example. I masturbated 1-2x a day for almost 30 years and now I rarely think about it. Yes I still fap, but maybe 5-6 times a year. Author Richard Rohr expressed it best: "God's totally positive and lasting way of removing our shortcomings is to fill up the hole with something much better, more luminous, and more satisfying...When you learn what good food is, you are simply no longer attracted to junk food. You don't need to crusade against greasy burgers and fries, you just ignore them." That's how I feel today. On the few occasions when I've accidentally seen porn, most recently in a gay bar during my trip back home, I found it about as stimulating as watching someone vacuum.

As I feel greater connections with myself and others, my addictions are fading away. And that's a very good thing indeed my friends. Thanks for reading! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 15, 2017, 08:23:45 AM
Congrats, dude, we are all on this path with you.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 16, 2017, 02:33:00 AM
14 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning RN! Thanks for the shout out JJ. I had a wonderful Sunday meeting yesterday with my 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). Weekly meetings are the oil changes of my recovery...preventative maintenance. Unfortunately, I haven't participated in a meeting in about a month so it was great to reconnect with my recovery group. There was a passage from the reading yesterday that struck me: “As I began to take the steps of recovery, my role in the pitiful condition of my life became clear.” This short sentence was like an electroshock because it so captured my current state of mind. I separated from my (then) wife back in December 2014, divorced in September 2015, and have slowly lost contact with my eldest son (now 15). This estrangement has been very painful for me, up until just a few months ago. So what changed? As I shared at last night's meeting, in the past I was a black-belt *sshole who constantly judged and gossiped about others. Being so judgemental was simply a projection of my own self hatred and total lack of self esteem. And I used my addictions to drug this pain. Now closing in on three years porn-free, my mindset has completely changed. When I feel myself judging others or hearing friends & family gossip about other people, I have a mantra. I think and often say: "They're just doing their best." When I adopt this mindset with myself and others, it feels better, more compassionate, more sober. Turning back to my son, I assume he's doing his best in an impossible situation...that I created. He needs time to process that his father left his mom, blew up his world, came out as gay, has a boyfriend, and so on. In this light, I think he's incredibly strong. His mother tells me he's doing well in school, playing on two high school teams, and is a good son and big brother to his younger siblings. However, only when I start to inject my addict self and broken thinking into the situation do I see it as negative or tragic. My son might be perfectly happy with it. When I assume my son is doing his best, this gives me the emotional space & compassion to understand that he's simply taking a much-needed break for himself to recover. I can't criticize him for doing exactly what I've done these past years: taking a break to recover from my own addictions. So this is where I am today my friends. Now that I've fully accepted reality, accepted that I've done my best, accepted that my son is doing his best, this allows me to then ask the more pro-active question: "What can I do today to repair my relationship with my son?" Perhaps the relationship is beyond repair but that won't stop me from texting and writing him from time to time to let him know that I love him and that I'm proud of him. I'll do that now. And I also need to tell myself that I love me and am proud of myself. End of rant! Thanks for reading friends. I wouldn't have made it this far in my recovery without having built a connection with all of you. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 16, 2017, 07:32:32 AM
Hey Lyon

Yeah we are all doing our best, and it seems unreasonable to demand anything more than that from ourselves or others. You have a lot of empathy for your son and awareness of what you and your family are going through right now. Another part of the picture may be that it is not completely of your own creation -the fear and f*cked up values of a society that drives people into the closet for years must also have played a part? This is not to imply that society should be blamed in a personal attempt to avoid guilt -just that the part it plays should be acknowledged, I think. As more people find the courage to come out, as you have done, it can only move society forward.
 
Its hard to imagine anyone responding better to your situation than you are -you are doing brilliantly!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 16, 2017, 04:38:53 PM
Thanks for the shout out friends. I always appreciate reading your comments/suggestions. I'm not sure if I'm doing "brilliantly" Strike but I am doing my best. I've read countless self-help books during my recovery from porn addiction and one truly changed my life. It's called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. The book helped me understand that most of my problems, including my addictions, were mostly thinking problems. It also taught me that most of my thinking problems are when I argue with or try to deny reality. I've read and re-read the book many times and often listen to the audio/Audible version while driving or working out at the gym. I highly recommend it for anyone who is struggling with the emotional or psychological aspects of addictions. Goodnight my friends! 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 17, 2017, 02:14:58 AM
13 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning friends! Ooohhh so close to my goal of three years porn-free. Here is a brief gratitude list. I'm proud of myself for having another productive work day yesterday. I'm also proud of myself for working hard to play an active role in my kids lives post-divorce as I'm going to take my youngest son to his practice Wednesday afternoon. (A small victory but still a victory nonetheless.) I'm happy to have my own business, money in the bank, and a boyfriend who loves me. I'm happy to be out of a closet that would have killed me had I continued hiding my true sexuality. I'm also happy to be 1082 days porn-free. That's all I have to share today my friends. Thanks for reading and for your continued support. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 17, 2017, 06:13:49 AM
Lots of reasons to be happy. You deserve it. Congratulations and thank you for leading the way for the rest of us
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 18, 2017, 02:20:28 AM
12 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning nation! Soooo close to my three-year anniversary. Today has all the elements to be a great day: sun is shining; I had a good night's sleep; I'm taking my youngest to his practice today (a breakthrough as I've been estranged from my kids); then dinner with my boyfriend's family this evening. I might check back in this evening. Be well friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 18, 2017, 04:04:12 AM
That's great to hear of the breakthrough with your kids! Congrats and enjoy that sunny day.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 19, 2017, 04:38:06 AM
1084 days porn-free / 11 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning nation! Yet another sunny, warm day here in Europe so it feels more like late spring rather than late fall. I could get used to this. I first joined this forum in November 2014 and have learned so much about addiction, mental health, and now being part of a community. What struck me most my early days as part of this family was how honest and non-judgemental everyone was. That surprised me. I'd spent a lifetime judging, shaming, and hating myself and others so it felt very strange to share my innermost thoughts and feelings via posting here, with my 12-step sponsor (I'm part of www.pornaddictsanonymous.org also called "PAA"), or during PAA's weekly phone-in meetings. Doing my personal inventory (step eight) with my sponsor and then making amends (step nine) was perhaps the most painful mental surgery I'd ever done. For me, sobriety, honesty, and accountability are a bit like jogging...and I HATE jogging. My point is that if I don't regularly exercise these positive skills and really work at my recovery from porn addiction, I risk getting flabby and falling back into addiction. So while I spent my first six months fighting my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation, the majority of my recovery time has been spent dealing with the emotional and psychological causes of my addictions. This is where I am today. Presently I'm trying to work through all of my fears, self doubts and negative feelings. For example, I have a lifelong fear of contact sports, so I'm forcing myself to play rugby (one of the most violent team sports I know). This shows a great deal of progress I believe. The former/addict me would have blamed my father for this fear. My father was absent most of my childhood and never signed me up for hockey, and EVERYONE plays hockey in my native Canada. Hell I can't even skate. But I can't change the past and it's useless to blame someone (particularly a loved one) without taking positive action. Today I've decided to do a different kind of step 8 by writing out every single fear or negative self-doubt I have and then coming up different plans to deal with them. It feels like the right thing to do, like scraping away the final barnacles of my addictions. I may share them here or perhaps in a 12-step meeting but I don't have the list just yet. I'm going to do that today because I want the second half of my life to be even better than the first. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 19, 2017, 12:38:22 PM
Holy sh*t! This thread has 90,000+ views. That's astounding. Thanks everyone for reading & sharing.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 20, 2017, 07:01:09 PM
1085 days porn-free / 10 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum. This is it! The final stretch. Now begins my 10-day countdown to three years porn-free. Holy f*ck! It's late here in Europe and I've had an exhausting day so this will be a short post. I'll probably post more tomorrow because I have a lot to share. Last year around this time, I read a book that changed both my recovery and my life. The book is called, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. A reboot buddy recommended it to me and I reckon it was the right book at the right time. If you're in early reboot, I wouldn't recommend "Loving What Is" because you might not understand the book's simple message: we have to fully embrace (if not love) reality. The book taught me that every single problem I had in my life, including my addictions, were thinking problems. Heavy I know. Let's bring this back to reboot. It was a revelation to me in early reboot that I didn't have a porn problem, but a dopamine problem. Again the problem was with my brain. So if my main problem is a thinking problem, I finally realized that I could also learn (or re-learn) to think myself out of addiction, depression, or any other of the many challenges in my life. I've largely taken my reboot one day at a time. In early reboot, it was often hour to hour because it was so challenging to live without porn...my "friend" of 20+ years. So what's my point? Reboot, recovery, sobriety, and now serenity all start and end with my thinking. And as I write this I realize that, in this moment, I love myself and to continue loving myself, I choose to live porn-free. End of rant! Thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 21, 2017, 06:49:52 AM
1086 days porn-free / 9 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum. I'd like to thank Mayer, TAN, Strike, TrueMe, Papa, and countless others for their heartfelt shares these past few days. Your courage and honesty help me and so many rebooters in their recovery. I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. I got home from a work event around 7, fell asleep until 11 and then couldn't fall back asleep until about 4 a.m. It didn't help that I was watching YouTube videos from about 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. While I remain porn-free, I can still fall back down the YouTube/Facebook rabbit holes and lose track of time. This reminds me that I need to stick to a strict schedule: eat healthy; exercise; work; and off screens at least 30 mins to 1 hour before bed. There is a saying in 12-step programs that I love: Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired = HALT. As I shared in my previous posts, if I'm feeling any form of HALT, this is when I'm most likely to turn to screens for comfort, which then leads to "gateway porn" and then eventually a full-blown relapse. So what's my point? Today will be a better day. I'm doing laundry, ironing, cleaning up, etc, now off to the gym, then dinner & a movie with a good friend. That's all I have to share today my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 22, 2017, 03:08:20 AM
Always good to read your posts Lyon. Your post about working through your fears, self doubts and negative feelings by facing them head on with positive action plans. Got me thinking of my own fears and ways to counter them.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 22, 2017, 09:26:05 AM
1087 days porn-free / 8 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out TrueMe. I just posted on your thread as well my friend. I'm happy to share about a major breakthrough today my friends! To bring you up to speed, I came out to my (then) wife in 2012, separated in 2014, came out to my three kids (boy, girl, boy) in 2014, divorced 2015, and have been largely estranged from my kids for the past two years. I still see my youngest son often, his older sister from time to time, and their elder brother has cut off contact with me since last August. Anyhow, I've made it one of my goals to rebuild relationships with my three kids, but only when they're ready. This means I call/text them often and try to keep in touch as much as possible. Today my ex-wife texted me that our daughter wants to have lunch with me tomorrow. SUCCESS! I know it's a very small first step but such an important one. I'm really on cloud nine I'm so happy. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. And how symbolic that all of this is happening as I close in on three years porn free? Feeling very grateful today my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 23, 2017, 12:09:41 AM
That s a real breakthrough! Happy for you.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 23, 2017, 03:48:16 AM
Happy for you too Lyon, that's so great. Hope it went well and is the start of many more positive steps with your family.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 23, 2017, 08:24:30 AM
1088 days porn-free / 7 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning RN! Thanks for the shouts out my friends. Just a week away from three years porn-free. A miracle! I can remember a time not too long ago when I couldn't go three whole minutes without looking for a screen fix. How things have changed. I also reconnected with my daughter today over lunch which was magical. She and I have grown apart since I divorced her mom just over two years ago. My eldest son (her brother) is still no contact which is fine as I know he needs the time and space to heal. Back to work my friends. Thanks again for all the love and support. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 24, 2017, 01:43:32 AM
1091* days porn-free / 7 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning friends and thanks for your encouraging posts. I put a * next to my total as I was off by a few days. Sunday will mark three years porn-free for me. Rather symbolically, I'll be having Sunday lunch with my boyfriend, his family, and a few friends. Barring some catastrophe, I know that I'll make it to three years without my drug of choice: porn. When I started this journey on October 29, 2014, I knew that I'd given up porn forever. Here is a brief review of how I've made it this far:

1. Adopted a "porn is not an option" mentality.
2. Read everything I could about porn ("Your Brain on Porn"), addiction ("Breaking the Cycle"), and self-improvement ("Loving What Is").
3. Posted here every day for the first six months.
4. Joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, posted on that site, got a sponsor, worked the steps, and participated in weekly phone-in meetings.
5. Dealt with the root causes of my addiction: living in the closet (I came out); bad marriage (I separated/divorced); and unhealthy lifestyle (got back in shape).

Back in 2014, there was a highly dedicated and focused group of rebooters. I feel like this forum was more active back then. I can't tell you how much sharing my whole story while encouraging others helped me make it this far. So I'd encourage all of you to post daily while also encouraging others while sharing your own reboot experience. End of rant! Thanks for reading my post friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Patrick on October 24, 2017, 07:13:16 AM
Counting down with you, Lyon!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Gracie on October 24, 2017, 09:37:19 AM
I agree Malando.  I too was here in the beginning.  Now it seems as tho when it gets a little tough they disappear.  I always hope they have followed through.  But it is so difficult for them to get the relationships with people, kids, SOs, co-workers etc. suffer and oft times the past is the real cause not the dead dick.  I always call it learning to live outside yourself instead of inside.  Reach out and communicate with others.  Interact!

Being dedicated to change is tough work.  Learning that the person you become is the one you should be.  In marriages, I think that is tough part.  This new person really is a new person.  We remember the years of lies and subtle change.  We feel like the frog in the boiling pot of water.  Slowly, slowly until BAM there it is.  Then we have to believe the change and we are like Well Maybe.  So everyone in the equation has to become new. 
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 24, 2017, 12:14:38 PM
Thanks for sharing those five actions that worked/are working for you Lyon. Like the others, I am counting down with you. Are you going to celebrate your achievement in some way I wonder?
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 25, 2017, 02:35:33 AM
Thought of you yesterday Lyon - your old friend through recovery Byron Katie (and husband Stephen Mitchell) were on the Good Life Project's podcast. Really nice interview with them both and loved when she talked about her children and how they've responded to her journey from depression to where she is today. Inspiring stuff. Here's the link (http://www.goodlifeproject.com/byron-katie/?t=radio)
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 25, 2017, 05:42:24 PM
1092 days porn-free / 4 days until 3 years porn-free: Hey forum! Thanks for the shouts out my friends. I'm just checking in quickly before bed. Sunday will mark 3 years porn-free...4 days from now (I was off on my count). I have a lot to share but no energy so I'll write again tomorrow. Goodnight friends. I made it another day porn-free. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 26, 2017, 01:22:03 AM
1093 days porn-free / 3 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! Wow 72 hours until 3 years porn-free. Two days ago, my car was broken into during rugby practice. Before getting into the details, this was probably my first rugby practice where I wasn't terrified the entire time. In fact, I was really enjoying myself, enough so apparently to come away with a black eye and wrenched neck! Back to my story. The thieves took my briefcase, cellphone, wallet, credit cards, keys etc. Strangely it was a liberating experience for several reasons. First, my teammates were incredibly helpful. They loaned me money, offered to help, and so on. Second, I saw what kindness was. On rugby nights, I stay with my boyfriend but arrive at his place rather late (near midnight). Unfortunately his apartment keys were stolen as well and he'd already gone to bed. F*CK! So I stayed at a nearby hotel and the very kind night desk manager gave me a room without any ID and loaned me his cellphone to call and cancel my credit cards. The next day when checking out, I found out they'd given me my room for free. I was floored! Yesterday was a blur of police reports, telephone calls, and so on. This annoying situation taught me several things: 1. I'm no longer angry nor denying my emotions. Yes I was pissed, but it never prevented me from staying calm and I was mostly pro-active. 2. Not once did I act out via my addictions. This alone is a miracle. 3. It was actually kind of liberating being without a smartphone for 48 hours. I'm now on a back up 90s-style flip phone and I'm loving how low-tech it is. 4. This demonstrated people's innate kindness. So now I'm going to leave a glowing review on Trip Advisor for the hotel and its night manager. My boyfriend told me that he didn't sleep all night and felt off yesterday because he was so worried about me and what happened. I slept pretty peacefully all things considered and just went about my day. Yes it still sucks to have to replace my license, ID, and credit cards but symbolically it feels like a fresh start. Thanks for reading my rambles friends. I'm down to my final 72 hours porn-free to the huge milestone of three years without my drug of choice. I'll post again tomorrow. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 26, 2017, 01:52:17 PM
Quite the purge ... all the best on home stretch
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 27, 2017, 02:37:39 AM
Wonder how you might have reacted to the same situation 3 years ago! Such a great response by yourself and everyone else who showed you kindness along the way.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 27, 2017, 12:39:50 PM
1094 days porn-free / 2 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day RN! The final 48 hours. Thanks for your shouts out friends. Yes TrueMe I would have definitely handed getting robbed quite differently three years ago my friend. It would have been a lot of anger, then a lot of "Why me!?", a porn binge, and then some f*cked up plan for revenge...yet zero execution. What a difference living porn-free makes. When it happened I was like, "Meh!?" then got to work cancelling credit cards, changing passwords etc. I'm now home and very tired after an early morning and long day at work. But I did want to check in here before my evening off. Thanks for being here friends. I can't wait to celebrate three years porn-free with all of you Sunday. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.     
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 29, 2017, 01:03:57 AM
THREE YEARS PORN FREE!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: jjacks on October 29, 2017, 01:15:57 AM
Congrats! Big hug from Biarritz
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Red Bear on October 29, 2017, 06:05:28 AM
Congratulations, Lyon03!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 29, 2017, 07:41:00 AM
Hooray Lyon! Well done!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TakeActionNow on October 29, 2017, 09:08:46 AM
Haha Lyon I'm really happy to share this wonderful day with you! Congrats!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: Patrick on October 29, 2017, 09:53:45 AM
Yaaaay (champagne popping...)!!!!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: TrueMe on October 29, 2017, 11:31:43 AM
Congratulations Lyon! Brilliant achievement!
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: lyon03 on October 29, 2017, 01:43:10 PM
Thanks everyone. I have a 12-step phone-in meeting shortly with www.pornaddictsanonymous.org. I'll check in tomorrow with an update. Thank you thank you thank you for your love and support. Please continue posting and also posting/encouraging your fellow rebooters. The more we share, the more it motivates others to share. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION...and hasn't been for three f*cking years!  ;)
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: AppleJack on October 29, 2017, 08:59:33 PM
Congratulations, that is an achievement to be immensely proud of.
Title: Re: 1000+ Days Porn Free
Post by: DV8 on October 29, 2017, 09:00:37 PM
Great stuff! Yoo-hoo...!!!  :D
Title: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 30, 2017, 04:45:32 AM
Three years + 1 day porn-free: Thank you everyone for your well wishes. I couldn't have made it this far without your love and support. Here is my very first post:

"Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others."

My addictions are like icebergs: 9/10ths of my real problems were below water. I reckon porn was just the visible tip. After all, I had recovered from my porn addiction in just a few months but I still felt an overwhelming need to use some other "crutch" to manage my emotions. So the hard work began post-porn addiction. That's when I didn't have anything to distract me from working on the root causes of my addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex. And these root causes were fear, shame, and a total lack of self-esteem.

I believe porn was nothing but a drug, a distraction from my real problems. So what I'm about to share is how I overcame my porn addiction and remained porn-free for the past three years. I'm going to divide this into three phases: phase 1 was when I stopped porn; phase 2 was when I addressed the root causes of my addictions; and phase 3 was about bettering myself (or becoming the man I truly wanted to be).

PHASE 1: REBOOT (3-4 months)

I did the classic "hard 90" which I believe was more like the "hard 100." That meant no porn nor masturbation for the first 100 days. Here is how I made it through the first 3+ months porn-free:

1. Adopted a 'PORN IS NOT AN OPTION' mentality
2. Posted here daily, almost to the point that recovery became a new addiction
3. Joined www.pornddictsanonymous.org (or "PAA"), a 12-step program for porn addiction
4. Through PAA got a sponsor and sobriety buddies to contact in case I felt triggered or close to relapse
5. Exercised daily
6. Gave up TV
7. Read "Your Brain on Porn"

PHASE 2: EMOTIONAL REBOOT (first 18 months)

This was the most challenging part of my reboot. Why? For some reason, I never really learned to properly feel nor express my emotions. I was completely incapable of just honestly experiencing and sharing my feelings. From a very young age, I denied my emotions which caused me a lot of self-hatred, pain, and shame. Later when these negative feelings risked overwhelming me, I'd turn to food, TV, then later porn and sex to artificially "feel better." While porn initially made me feel better, over time it just made me feel worse due to porn-induced f*cked up brain chemistry (insomnia & anxiety for example), deep depression, and PIED/erectile dysfunction. This is how I made it through my emotional reboot:

1. Healthy living: exercise, sleep, and eating well.
2. Therapy: I found an incredible therapist and did about six months of regular therapy.
3. Reading: Books like "Breaking the Cycle" about addiction and "Loving What Is" to re-learn how to express my feelings to avoid falling back into denial.
4. Coming out: I came out as gay to my (then) wife, my parents, sister, and extended family.
5. Improving Relationships: I separated and divorced from my wife, met a boyfriend (now together 5+ years), and started the slow process of detaching from everything toxic in my life.

PHASE 3: SELF-IMPROVEMENT (1.5 years porn-free to today)

This is where I am today. I see this phase as a period of self-improvement. As a recovering addict and formerly closeted gay man, I'm trying to find the inner strength to live a happy and fulfilling life. While in active addiction, it was all about trying to find happiness via external means. For example, the first four years of my new (gay) relationship were very rocky because I wanted my boyfriend to love me; an impossible task because I was incapable of loving myself. I've spent most of my life hating myself for being gay while also feeling resentment towards others, mainly because I wanted what they had or I wanted them to do for me what I was incapable of doing myself. In the past, I just gave off this "fix me!!!" aura whereas now I'm slowly learning to fix myself. This is how I'm working through my current recovery phase:

1. Healthy living: exercise, sleep, and eating well.
2. Healthy relationships: I read "The Velvet Rage" which is the best book about the coming out process and then worked very hard on self-acceptance. For a time I joined CODA (co-dependents anonymous) to get over my lifelong people-pleasing. This helped me lovingly detach from all the toxic people in my life while also detaching from my toxic thinking.
3. Fear Management: I'm currently working through a hit list of lifelong fears in an attempt to better myself. For example, I've always feared violent team sports so I joined a gay rugby team in a nearby city. It's been painful but ultimately a great experience.
4. Self-Esteem/Integrity: I read and re-read "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" and "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" to re-learn the value of honesty, integrity, and hard-work. These books also helped me with communication and boundary setting. For example, now that I can pro-actively set boundaries in my personal relationships, like with my boyfriend, I'm much happier.

I want to stress that I'm not the perfect rebooter, so my recovery from addictions to porn, masturbation, and sex has been rocky at times. I've detailed a lot of these struggles in previous posts. For example, I can still lose myself in Facebook or YouTube. This is something I need to monitor because losing myself in screens can look a lot like a porn substitute. After decades of darting around the internet, I continue to have trouble concentrating. This has negatively impacted my business (I'm self employed). And under the guise of an "open relationship", I have often used anonymous sex/hook ups to avoid feeling negative emotions (such as loneliness and fear). So yes the road to recovery is rocky, but these secondary problems (or middle circle behaviours as we call them in 12-step programs) continue to melt away. So I feel I'm on the right track.

Thanks for reading my rambles friends. I also wanted to thank Gabe Deem and all of you for making Reboot Nation such an integral part of my recovery from porn addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: TakeActionNow on October 30, 2017, 08:56:54 AM
I'm proud of you Lyon.
Your words ring clear and true.
We of any form of addiction all suffer some emotional issues. I know mine should be anxiety, and PMO was a form of coping, of avoidance and denial.
You speak of fear management, and that is probably something we need to do. And now you chosen to face it head on, and I'm very proud of you.

Even after reconnecting with ourselves through abstinence, it still takes much time to reveal what are the silent impulses that define or deny us. But discover we all eventually will, and that will bring closure to the gap between our image and who we really are. It is in alignment where we be happiest and most contented.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: camus on October 30, 2017, 04:27:41 PM
Thanks for posting this Lyon. As well as giving me hope, it has provided me with thoughts as to what I may need to do for my recovery. It's so true that PMO is only the tip of the iceberg, a coping mechanism for deeper issues.

I'm only at the beginning of my journey to be PMO free, but I am looking forward to finally growing up and facing my problems porn free.

A BIG CONGRATS on getting to 3 years. That's an amazing achievement!!
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: TrueMe on October 31, 2017, 04:56:02 AM
Appreciate you taking the time to share your reboot journey so clearly Lyon. Your unselfish, positive and 'tell it like it is' honesty is adding up to an incredibly helpful resource we can all take guidance and inspiration from.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 31, 2017, 05:51:34 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind messages of support. If you are ready to live porn-free, I'd urge you to post here daily, encourage others, keep working/asking questions, and systematically dismantle your porn addiction (and its root causes) until you prevail. This may or may not include getting help from a 12-step program (like www.pornaddictsanonymous.org) or from a mental health professional. I used both. For some of us, we can successfully reboot our first time. I envy these people. For others like me, it might take months or years of failing our way to success. PLEASE KEEP TRYING. I tried and failed for years to stop watching porn. I just happened to join this forum after stumbling again and again. So yes here I've detailed a mostly porn-free time period, however, I didn't detail just how many failures it took me to get here. If you're like me, you probably want an easy, effortless, and perfect reboot. I was so naïve to think that I could cure a 20-year addiction in just a few months. STUPID ME! As I've learned, addictions are like those ocean-going mega-freighters, they don't just stop nor turn on a dime. Addictions take a very long time to change course and an even longer time to stop. For me, reboot was a question of making small daily course corrections which over time completely changed the direction of my life. And that started with daily posts here. When my motivation would wane, I'd remind myself that I carved out 3-4 hours EVERY DAY for wanking to porn, so I needed to use that same amount of time and effort to post here. And it seems to have worked. I might post again. I might not. Regardless, I urge you to put in the effort to live porn-free. Why? Life without addictions is so much better and you're worth it my friends. Love Lyon.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Gracie on October 31, 2017, 06:17:18 AM
Lyon,   I ave watched you and walked with you through this site the last three years!!  I am proud of you !  I know this was not an easy road for you.  But here you are, strong in the broken places, tested and true.   Your insight is invaluable to those going through this process!

Live your life true to yourself with compassion for  others and you will continue to grow
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on November 01, 2017, 10:39:30 PM
Thank you so much Gracie. Be well friends. I probably won't post that much but will come back if I find myself stumbling or working towards a new milestone.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 22, 2017, 11:00:37 AM
Lyon, are you still out there? I'm back trying to climb back on the wagon. Seeing you still here doing well is encouraging. Hoping you made it through your lonely spell alright. Check in with me if you have a spare moment.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on December 24, 2017, 02:08:46 AM
1152 days porn-free: Merry Christmas everyone! Hi Chiefmitch. Unfortunately, I don't post here regularly brother but I do continue to post, attend (phone-in) meetings, and sponsor porn addicts on www.pornaddictsanonymous.org. Check me out there if you want my friend. Good luck with your journey. Life is better porn-free my friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: IWantToLive on December 24, 2017, 09:40:09 AM
Lyon,

You are an inspiration for so many of us here. We are striving to be porn free and you've shown that it can be done. Thank you for sharing your experience and inspiring us. Do drop by sometimes when you can.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and everyone here,

-I
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Strikeatruepath on December 24, 2017, 10:02:47 AM
Nice to see you checking in with us Lyon. All the best for 2018
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: William on December 25, 2017, 08:32:48 PM
Merry Christmas, lyon.  Keep going.  Porn is not an option.

Will I AM.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Jbow on December 27, 2017, 08:20:12 AM
Your doing awesome lion. You and I started here at almost the exact same time. I've not been that successful yet. I'm still trying.  Reading your posts sure does give me hope that I can change. Thank you for being here. I'll get it right one of these times. I know one if the most important things for me is exercise.  That seems to be working for me right now.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: savingmysoul on December 31, 2017, 10:18:34 PM
Hello Lyon!!

grats on your success - i am 4 years porn free this day!

continue to do your good work, success is out there for us all!!

happy new year my old frienc
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on January 02, 2018, 08:32:40 PM
Happy New Year friends! Hey SMS...great hearing from you brother. Congratulations on 4+ years porn-free. What an accomplishment. I'm now at 3 years and 2+ months porn-free, just another 10 months before celebrating 4 years porn-free. In the beginning, I counted my recovery in days, weeks, and then months. I never thought I'd be counting my freedom in years but here I am. I welcome all of the new members and encourage the long-term members to keep coming back. There is no secret to my recovery:

1. Doing the hard 90 (or 100 in my case)
2. Daily posts and encouraging others
3. Reading everything I could about porn addiction, addiction, self-esteem, self-improvement, etc.
4. Attacking my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation from every angle until I prevailed.

To give you a snapshot of where I was, I was heavily addicted to dopamine [read up on it if you don't know the term] for about 15-20 years and masturbated to porn 1-2x daily for about the final ten years. There was a time when I couldn't go three whole minutes without a porn fix...I know because I timed it. Because of my screen/dopamine addiction, I suffered from depression, erectile dysfunction, anxiety, anger, and a whole host of other porn-related problems. Around Christmas 2013, I seriously contemplated suicide as my only way out. Had I not stopped watching porn and using hook up applications like Grindr (often while driving), I know I'd be a dead man. 

I joined this forum in November 2014 with a "porn is not an option" mentality and have not watched porn since. But I didn't do it alone. This forum and its kind members were a lifesaver. I also joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, a 12-step program for people with porn addictions, got a sponsor, now sponsor others, and still participate in their weekly phone-in meetings. So what's my point? If you attack your addictions from every possible angle, you will eventually prevail. It might not happen immediately and you might stumble from time to time, but you'll eventually get there.

Thanks for reading friends. Be well and remember...PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: jjacks on January 05, 2018, 10:35:43 AM
Happy New Year, Buddy. Always nice to hear from you.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on April 10, 2018, 01:09:17 AM
1257 days porn-free (3 years 5 months porn-free): Good day nation! It's been a while my friends. I'm just checking in with an update and to encourage any new members to keep fighting the good fight. I don't have a lot to share other than life is much better porn-free. Mine was a roughly 20-year porn habit that also morphed into sex and masturbation addictions as well. There was a time not too long ago when I couldn't go three minutes without looking for a porn hit. (I know because I timed it.) Read my thread if you'd like to follow my road to recovery. Here is how I made it to 3+ years porn-free:
 
1. Hard 90 (no porn nor masturbation)
2. Daily posts for the first 100 days
3. Read "Your Brain on Porn" (a lifesaver)
4. Joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (a member to this day)
5. Encouraged and connected with others
6. Lots of gym time, sleep, and otherwise healthy living

There is no one way to recover. Some see reboot in religious terms, others are atheists, gay, straight, vegan etc. We all have our own unique perspective. No one dances the same way and recovery means moving to our own music as well. But I will share this: attack your addiction from every possible angle and you'll eventually prevail. I came to this forum with a "porn is not an option" mentality that served me very well. It meant that from day 1, I was willing to do whatever it took to recover. I attended 12-step meetings, posted here 2-3 times a day, read countless books about addiction/recovery, and just b*ll-out bludgeoned my porn addiction to death.

If you're wondering what life is like addiction-free, trying watching a 50s-era black and white film on a grainy old TV then go see an IMAX movie. That's the difference. My addictions meant seeing the world in black and white. I saw everything and everyone through the smeared lens of sex. These days, I never tire of seeing things in pure colour again. It's taken me years to heal from my porn addiction and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm a better person for it. You'll get there friends!

Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Patrick on April 10, 2018, 11:06:38 AM
Hi Lyon, Great to hear from you! Be well, my friend. I'm happy that you're doing fine.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: ClaudeBolling on April 15, 2018, 09:43:58 AM
Incredible to read that there are people achieving these numbers. I am again on day 1. I wish I was where u are.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Ittollsforthee on April 15, 2018, 10:47:40 AM
Thank You Lyon for all of your inspiration. I'm committed to the same outcome. Porn Is Not An Option.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Si on April 15, 2018, 12:45:32 PM
(3 years 5 months porn-free)

Thanks so much for the update Lyon!

Just to clarify...

1. Your erections no longer worked before quitting.
2. Now your erection works every time you feel like being intimate and it stays?
Title: Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on August 16, 2018, 10:03:55 PM
1387 days porn-free / 3 years 9 months 18 days porn-free: Hey nation! It's been a while between posts. In just 10 weeks, I'll reach the major milestone of 4 years porn-free. What started as a journey to have boners again has become so much more. Just a few days ago, I celebrated 6 years with my boyfriend. It's been quite the journey my friends. In addition to addressing my decades-long porn addiction, I have also: come out of the closet, separated, divorced, and found love again. I don't have a lot to share my friends other than that porn was simply the tip of the iceberg, the acting out if you will, 9/10ths of my problems remained under water. I'm not the same person I was when I started this journey. After a lifetime of shame and self-hatred, I've re-learned to love myself, am no longer angry all the time, sleep better than I ever have, and now connect with people almost instantly.  I'm 100% myself which is so much easier when I'm not carrying around the pervvy porn aura I had in the past. Living with the dual shame of being a closeted gay man AND porn/masturbation addict almost drove me to commit suicide. As one of my favourite books writes, "Suicide is a permanent solution to life's short-term problems." Amen to that. Life still has its challenges for sure, but I no longer turn to porn nor masturbation to cope with them. Speaking of masturbation, I probably wank about 5-6 times a year, compared to 1-2x daily during full-blown PMO addiction. Someone asked above:

1. Your erections no longer worked before quitting.

Correct.

2. Now your erection works every time you feel like being intimate and it stays?

Not always my friend, but that's life when you're 46 like me. Most of us start this process because we want puberty-level rock-hard erections...on command. Now 4 years later I understand this process was always about my brian, not about my junk. I'd suggest you read, "Your Brain on Porn" to better understand that what we have is a brain/dopamine addiciton, not limp d*ck obsession.

If you want to learn more about me and my journey, just read my thread! Be well friends. And remember: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Title: Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
Post by: HarveyManfrengensen on August 17, 2018, 08:14:40 AM
Quote
1387 days porn-free / 3 years 9 months 18 days porn-free

You inspire me, lyon03!!
Title: Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Gracie on August 18, 2018, 11:49:32 AM
Hey!  Good to see an old familiar face!   Good to see you are still doing well and showing others it can be done!!!!!  Peace and much love to you.   It is important to know in this walk, whether the addicted or the partner to know there are those you can count on.
Title: Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Patrick on August 22, 2018, 11:54:36 PM
Great to hear from you, lyon, and much love to you!
Title: Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
Post by: jjacks on August 23, 2018, 05:40:55 AM
Nice to see you here – coincidentally, I just dropped by after a few months’ absence to do my own update (2 years less 2 months). I am glad to hear how well things are going for you and everyone around you.  The message is clear – stick with the program and the benefits will be life-changing, for you and for everyone around you. As a wise person said -- "Porn is not an option"

Congratulations, dude, a big hug from a fellow traveler.
Title: Re: 4 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 28, 2018, 11:16:46 AM
Good day nation! Tomorrow will mark 4 years porn-free for me. Let's have a look at my very first forum post:

"Here is my story: 42 years old, first discovered porn/masturbation around age 12, went from magazines, to video, paid streaming porn, then free and highly addictive porn sites. What was a flirtation became a full-on obsession in 1994 and heroin-like addiction in 2005. I'm starting this journal on day 23 of my recovery with a goal of hitting 90 days initially before stopping forever. My addiction has now cost me: my career, my business, my marriage, and was well along to destroying my relationship with my three kids. On October 30th, I finally said "f*ck this". I've not watched porn since and never will do it again. I've started a reboot with no-fap and no television. I've also read pretty much everything I could about my addiction, namely it's harder to give up than meth. (Scary!) But there are temptations, particularly in the form of rock-hard erections at night and geyser-like pressure because I haven't had an orgasm in roughly two weeks. I'll post daily to keep motivated. Glad to have found this site and very happy to share with others."

I can't express how much better my life is without my addictions to porn and masturbation. So how did I get this far?

1. Set a goal: "Porn is not an option"
2. Joined www.pornaddictsanonymous.org and this forum.
3. For the first 100 days, posted daily.
4. Read everything I could about addiction and particularly porn addiction.
5. Made a point of reading other threads while also encouraging others.
6. Got back into shape.
7. Quickly realized that, for me personally, porn was just a coping mechanism. I had to change my whole way of thinking.
8. Worked hard to address a whole host of other issues (being closeted; toxic relationships; co-dependency; sex addiction etc).

Thanks for reading friends. This forum was a huge part of my recovery so I'd like to thank Gabe Deem and my fellow members. Keep fighting the good fight. Love Lyon.
Title: Re: 4 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: uncreatedlight on October 28, 2018, 01:38:00 PM
It is inspiring to read your success story.  I too am a sex addict, not just a porn addict.  I'm feeling hammered by 8. right now (whole host of other issues).

It feels like this depression, anxiety, and heartbreak will last forever, but you give me hope that there will be victory eventually.  Thank you for taking the time to come back to post.  It gives hope.  :)
Title: Re: 4 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: bob on October 28, 2018, 09:16:24 PM
Your first post puts things in perspective. One always thinks the folks that have succeeded really didn't have to "travel too far." Most of the time, that isn't the fact.

Good thing to keep in mind.

Peace
Title: Re: 4 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: dlansky on October 30, 2018, 12:14:39 PM
Congratulations, and thanks for using your success to help inspire the rest of us!
Title: Re: 4 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Patrick on October 30, 2018, 02:30:57 PM
Yahoo, Congratulations, Lyon!! Much love
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on May 13, 2019, 02:24:21 PM
Hey friends! I just celebrated 4.5 years porn-free and I did it just like all of you: one day at a time. Life is so much better porn-free. Insomnia: gone. Limp d*ck: gone. Depression: gone. Anxiety: gone. Self-esteem: back. Love of life: back. Confidence (not arrogance): back. Happiness: back. Had I not stopped watching porn back on October 29, 2014, I know for a fact that I'd be a dead man right now. Why? Because I was such a screen addict that I often watched porn and sexted while driving. There is no secret to my recovery: hard 90 porn/masturbation free; posting here for the first year of recovery; encouraging others; and these days I continue to participate in weekly 12-step meetings for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). For me, there was no quick fix to overcoming my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation. It was a grind, particularly for the first year, but now 4.5 years later, it was so worth it. I wish you all the best with your own journeys. Love to all. 
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: newday on May 13, 2019, 03:17:55 PM
Hi Lyon....

so, today, of all days....I came back here to visit....and thought about writing again and processing here again. I was hungry for a place to just be honest and be able to write....and thought about this place.

I see that YOU were here today as well. Interesting.

I'm really happy that you are still free from the p & m.

I hope all is well with you.

Thanks.
NGU
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Jbow on May 14, 2019, 05:21:40 AM
Lyon, you have been an inspiration to me since we have both began this journey at the same time.  I'm getting close to 6 months pmo free. I cant describes how great I feel not spending hours looking for the perfect video to further my sickness. Thank you lyon.
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 14, 2019, 08:27:22 AM
Hey friends! I just celebrated 4.5 years porn-free and I did it just like all of you: one day at a time..... There is no secret to my recovery: hard 90 porn/masturbation free; posting here for the first year of recovery; encouraging others; and these days I continue to participate in weekly 12-step meetings for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). For me, there was no quick fix to overcoming my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation. It was a grind, particularly for the first year, but now 4.5 years later, it was so worth it. I wish you all the best with your own journeys. Love to all.

You've been a consistent source of inspiration to me and others. I really value your advice. Sincere congratulations and best wishes for a healthy continuation.
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: chiefmitch88 on May 14, 2019, 10:54:41 AM
Hey Lyon, thanks for checking in. I credit a good portion of my recovery to meeting you here. You introduced me to Breaking the Cycle. That was the thread I held firm to. I am currently 8 months porn free. I too, use an online support group but I'm not working 12 steps...yet. I think it's gonna be necessary if I want to kick my recovery into overdrive. I'm in a rural place and face to face SA meetings just aren't available.  Phone meetings are difficult for me to get enthused about.

Glad to hear from you!
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Redfire03 on May 14, 2019, 11:22:35 AM
Lyon great job man. Where you are in life now how do you feel? How is your dating life and relationship with your kids? Did they ever forgive your were they ever aware?
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Kozakcecil on May 14, 2019, 11:35:30 AM
Congratulations, and thanks post for using your success to help inspire the rest of us!  ;D
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: BigMog on May 14, 2019, 11:46:32 PM
Inspirational! Thanks Lyon.
Title: Re: 4.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: Patrick on May 16, 2019, 12:46:14 AM
It's lovely to hear from you and about your happiness. All the best for your ongoing journey of a porn-free life!
Title: 5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on October 28, 2019, 03:17:55 PM
Bam! On Wednesday, I'll celebrate 5 f*cking years porn-free. And I couldn't have done it without this forum and its wonderful members. I am beyond thankful. On an addiction scale of 10, I was easily a 12 before joining Reboot Nation. I'd spend hours every day fapping to internet porn, suffered from severe porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), and a whole host of other porn-related problems. Now five years later, I'm a different and much better man. One of the greatest things about recovery is being able to sleep again. For most of my life, I've been a black-belt insomniac and never once considered that it was caused in part by my porn addiction. These days I fall asleep almost once my head hits the pillow and it's bliss. I can't tell you how much happier I am without porn because I don't spend all day, every day with this porn-like "I'm ashamed of myself" stank like some creepy form of second-hand smoke. I no longer have to deal with the daily shame of seeing my post-orgasm reflection in the computer screen after I've fapped for hours to some of the worst filth imaginable. When I joined RN five years ago, I thankfully adopted a "porn is not an option" mentality. I'm not going to lie. It was damn hard to go porn-free, particularly for the first 100 days. (Feel free to read my posts where I detail: night shakes; head rushes; migraines; and terrible blue balls because I gave up compulsive masturbation as well.) But after a few months, things got much easier. What was truly difficult was dealing with the emotional damage that led me down the path of addiction. For that, I'm thankful to www.pornaddictsanonymous.org and the 12 steps. Now five years later, I'm happily divorced, completely out of the closet, self-employed, and renovating a house with my long-term boyfriend. We move in next month! I am so thankful to Gabe for creating this website/forum which truly saved my life. Without RN, I'd probably be dead in some ditch because I was so addicted to porn/sex that I'd often watch porn and surf gay hookup apps while driving. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Love Lyon.   
Title: Re: 5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: jjacks on October 29, 2019, 05:05:55 AM
Congratulations and big hug, dude.  Your joy shows through in every sentence.

Your words helped me, as they surely helped many others. A mere "thank you" seems almost insufficient. I have just passed 3 years clean last week, saving my marriage and re-discovering a masculine rigour that belies my age.

Like you, I come back here from time to time, as much to reassure myself as to be there for others. And I quote you all the time because it is a great mantra ... porn is not an option.

Lots of happiness in your adventures and au revoir!

-jj
Title: Re: 5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
Post by: lyon03 on November 01, 2019, 06:11:22 AM
Thanks brother and congratulations on 3 years porn-free. I'd encourage you and others to keep sharing, posting, and (most importantly) encouraging others. This community and its kind members were a huge part of my recovery. And remember...porn is not an option.