Reboot Nation

Journals => Teens => Topic started by: Innocence on October 11, 2014, 08:42:29 AM

Title: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 11, 2014, 08:42:29 AM
Hello everyone :)

First off I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this journal.

When I was young I had been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety disorder which always has been a challenge for me.
When I was on elementary school, teachers just said I couldn't do anything. None of them had hope in me and being an introvert made it only worse.

My first time watching was when I was in elementary school. It first began as an innocent yet exciting thing to watch after school.
At that time I was 11, I never saw a bad thing in it, not even aware it could become such an addiction.

The thing is, when I had my first relationship, around the age of 15. I had those mad butterflies, that warm feeling rushing through my body by just holding hands or receiving a hug.
After the relation went dead after ±5 months, I became desperate, I missed someone to hold and to love.
I began watching porn more frequently again and I began to feel less emotional. But as long as I had my games and porn, it was going alright.
Of course, I still felt lonely, but I'm really the kind of guy who prefers to chat with girls, not for perverted reasons but because I always thought I could have better chats with them.

To my luck, I found another girl online after months, she was really sweet and beautiful.
After we had met an insecurity in me began to grow. I was totally attracted to her, yet that warm fuzzy feeling never came up.

Everything that I did with her sexually always turned me on, but on a quick notice, it all went away quickly too.
I always tried to do something new to keep myself in the mood, yet that didn't always work out and I felt ashamed.
That girl, I loved so much, was all I wanted, yet I felt something was blocking my true feelings.

After that relation had fallen apart, I used to date again. Yet every girl I met had failed to give me a warm feeling or any sign of arousal.
Even when I had another relation, she failed to always get me turned on, I always blamed it on my insecurity or anxiety disorder for being nervous.

After that, I realized something had to be wrong, I began googling on and on until I stumbled across an article about ED. I began to read it and arrived at yourbainonporn.
When I had read a lot of information, watched videos and read some blogs. It began to become clear to me, I was addicted to porn and it was making my brain numb.

Sometimes I just quit for a week, but I couldn't stand the urge under stress to watch some anyway, or something had really turned me on.
The thing was, once I had masturbated, a second time came, a third time came and I found myself even after 1 day to be addicted again.
I gave up, I thought it probably wasn't the porn after all.
As I continued, everything pretty much staid the same, but as I began growing more confident I thought these issues would go away.
They did not. After months, I came back to yourbrainonporn, I read a blog, that completely inspired me and I could find myself in it.

Since that moment, I've stopped watching porn and stopped masturbating.
This was on the first of October.

Now I'm on my 11th day of no-fap and not watching porn.

Sometimes it can be pretty difficult, just wanting to relieve some stress, but I know I'm working towards a better future.
In general, I haven't noticed a lot of big difference, but I don't think that's weird as I just have started.

Peace!

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 12, 2014, 08:16:05 AM
[Day 12]
Last night I had a strange dream for the first time since rebooting.
I can barley remember it but images of breasts were flashing through my mind!
It may be because breasts is usually my main turn on, but luckily it was no wet dream and I'm still going just fine.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 13, 2014, 01:13:12 PM
[Day13]

I had a hard time falling a sleep last night, I'm not sure whether it is because of rebooting but I'm glad I hadn't had any sexual dreams last night.
Or as far as I can remember.
Today, I did notice a few erections when I was home but I could resist the urge and still going good!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 14, 2014, 11:20:39 AM
[Day 14]

Today has been going fine without any urges. Yet I find myself again less objectifying woman less, and I'm really happy about this.
I've also decided to get more time away from my computer, going to work-out more and quit smoking.
On the more negative sight, last night I had another sexual dream, it was really strange.
I was sleeping with a cute girl when my bed was suddenly filled with sperm.
Personally, I think it's because I'm afraid of having a wet dream.
But I think it's a good effect from my reboot!

Even though I'm feeling confident about my reboot, I've blocked all the adult websites I know.
It gives me a good feeling and a slight support then when I feel like relapsing, I will have a second thought about it.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on October 15, 2014, 04:17:38 PM
if you dont want to have a wet dream try drinking hot turmeric water every day, and eating a clove of garlic before bed with sage tea. From my research online there are many natural remedies that can reduce the chance of having a wet dream you should look into it.  Also really give cold showers and meditation a shot, I've been trying them and I feel like they really can impact your success. I really think you can beat this man just throw on k9 on your computer and an image blocker if you want to be serious, thats what Ive done.  Your only 18 too so be happy you discovered this at such a young age. I wish I had knew what you knew at that age as I probably wouldnt be the this situation 3 years down the line, but I guess better late than never. I'm trying to take this as a day to day thing and I feel like that helps. Keep trucking on man and dont look back!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 16, 2014, 01:59:05 PM
[Day 16]

Today I'm doing pretty well, yesterday I started working out and I have to admit it really takes down the urges.
It feels great releasing energy in another way!
I also took down my account on a dating website because I feel like it's just not meant for me and while being on that site
I've always been feeling desperate, and now I'm more relieved it's off my mind.

Today I also got the ebook from ybop and I must say it's a great motivation to read through daily, only if it's just a page or 2.

Still going good with PMO. I'm really glad I'm making it this far.

if you dont want to have a wet dream try drinking hot turmeric water every day, and eating a clove of garlic before bed with sage tea. From my research online there are many natural remedies that can reduce the chance of having a wet dream you should look into it.  Also really give cold showers and meditation a shot, I've been trying them and I feel like they really can impact your success. I really think you can beat this man just throw on k9 on your computer and an image blocker if you want to be serious, thats what Ive done.  Your only 18 too so be happy you discovered this at such a young age. I wish I had knew what you knew at that age as I probably wouldnt be the this situation 3 years down the line, but I guess better late than never. I'm trying to take this as a day to day thing and I feel like that helps. Keep trucking on man and dont look back!

Thanks for the advice!
I have looked a little into it, and going to try some remedies to be sure.
Even though I'm only 18, I wish I would have found out sooner, but it makes me feel happy hearing that from you.
I'm sure you can do it too mate, you sound really serious!

Keep going strong!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 17, 2014, 09:41:56 AM
[Day 17]

I'm really starting to feel more energetic!
The work-outs make me feel better too, just the muscle aches are killing me because I started too high but I'm not regretting it.
Going to try out a gym nearby to take it to the next level and to be more away from the computer.

It's also really surprising me how I'm starting to have more urges to get out and get away from my computer.
Today I'm going to help my mother with her art class, normally I wouldn't ever want to go but now it seems fun to me.

It really feels like this is working out great, urges are getting weaker by the day and I've only just started.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 20, 2014, 05:47:10 PM
[Day 20]

Had some awful muscle aches.
I was proud because feeling the pain, made me know I did a good job.
Yet today I feel awfully depressed, I couldn't get myself to work-out even though the muscle aches have been gone since today.
I have no energy, had some annoying boners and cravings.
They weren't too bad, I just wanted to get away for a little.

Today, how bad I felt, I did manage to get over the urges, I know it's only been 20 days but still I'm very proud that I've come this far
and can say I'm still going strong.

Even though I'm feeling awfully depressed, exhausted and with no energy.. I still want to fight for a better future
and my brain.. It should work how it's supposed to be.
I'm not into a religion, but with the more I know, the more I understand how it's more than abnormal what influence porno has on your brain.
It truly sickens me, therefor I'm glad to say I'm holding on.
Even though it hurts, even though I sometimes question my feelings, I'm still willing to fight on and experience what I used to feel.

The warmth is that I'm missing, it feels like that warmth has been taken away from me.
I know it's just a chemical reaction in my body, yet, that's what life is sometimes?
But what really matters to me is how it feels, how it makes us feel.
You might question whether true love is a lie or not, but I want to find out and therefor I need to get past this first.

Peace!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 21, 2014, 11:21:07 AM
[Day 21]

I failed to get myself to work-out today. I'm just not feeling it.
This is that moment when I just find myself depressed with still no energy just looking for that high.
It feels like the dopamine is just terribly low at the moment, I should do something but it's raining and storming outside so I can't even get outside.

I do have some fun things to do but nothing is cheering me up.

Still going good, but it's not easy.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 21, 2014, 03:34:15 PM
[Addition to day 21]

I forced myself to sign up for a gym since they have a test for 8 days for free.
Quickly after I had signed up they called me and I'm going tomorrow.
I got pretty excited about it and I hope it will be a lot of fun and maybe meet some new people.

Like mentioned before, I felt really down but I talked to a friend about my reboot and it truly helped me.
She really understood me and encouraged me on. I feel really a lot better and looking forward for tomorrow.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 22, 2014, 03:51:36 PM
[day 22]

Today was my first day at the gym, it felt really great!
I must admit all my urges are gone yet I'm not tired.

Even though I wasn't sure at the start I'm really glad I signed up.
The people are really nice and helped me getting started, this really is something I'm going to do more often.
Even better, in 2 days I'll be going again!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: nofap17 on October 23, 2014, 01:24:25 AM
Hey man, really great progress! I have the same aspirations as you, I'm going to get back into gym and reading again. Keep it up!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 23, 2014, 09:09:20 AM
Hey man, really great progress! I have the same aspirations as you, I'm going to get back into gym and reading again. Keep it up!

Thank you for replying on my journal, I'm glad you've found the same interests :)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 23, 2014, 09:11:12 AM
[Day 23]

Couldn't sleep the entire night, but I blame myself for staying up too late a few times yet it really bothered me.

On the other side, my muscles hurt like hell. Means I did a good job at the gym!
Also finished the e-book this night, I'm really glad I read it and it pretty much answers most of the questions that are asked here so even a bigger recommendation to read it!
Today started with no urges, just muscle aches.

I don't think it's the flatline because I feel great, well besides the muscle aches.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on October 23, 2014, 12:16:23 PM
Sounds like your doing pretty good so far in your process.  The fact that your not really experiencing any crazy urges is great.  Going to the gym is a great way to put that sexual energy to use and is a good way of getting that dopamine back up again. Frankly I should really get back in the gym. Jw how are your dreams so far? Some of mine are filled with weird porn induced fetishes and literally of me looking at porn pages still, although I still have many dreams where Im chasing girls. Anyway keep on going man sounds like you are doing great so far!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 23, 2014, 07:15:32 PM
Sounds like your doing pretty good so far in your process.  The fact that your not really experiencing any crazy urges is great.  Going to the gym is a great way to put that sexual energy to use and is a good way of getting that dopamine back up again. Frankly I should really get back in the gym. Jw how are your dreams so far? Some of mine are filled with weird porn induced fetishes and literally of me looking at porn pages still, although I still have many dreams where Im chasing girls. Anyway keep on going man sounds like you are doing great so far!

Thanks for the reply!
The dreams have faded, they were just a beginning thing.
The more days pass by, the easier it gets. Of course I do have some urges sometimes but they are relatively low.

The gym is a great think I'd recommend to everyone at this point, besides of putting the sexual energy to use you'll also feel way more fit!
Feeling more fit makes me less crave to pornographic content, I'm starting to get rid of the need more and more.
I just have a current issue where a friend of mine keeps snap chatting me and she has a rather big cleavage so I really gotta tell her to pull up her shirt more.
Thing is, I bet she's not doing it on purpose so that's going to be awkward.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 25, 2014, 08:03:40 AM
[Day 25]

Since last night I talked with a friend, she's 21 years old and (most likely) got pregnant by accident.
When she told me the details, I wished she hadn't.
It kept the topic so on my mind that I related it with other sexual content, like a dog following it's nose on a trail.
Since then I've got same bad cravings, annoying boners but I'm keeping strong.
Just thought writing my dairy would help me, and I think it really does.

Yesterday I also worked out again, I had still had such muscle aches I just focused on running/cycling etc w/o having to use my arms.
The muscle aches really got less but once I got home my muscles felt pretty stiff again and as in today still hurt but it's getting better!

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 27, 2014, 11:39:23 AM
[Day 27]

I couldn't be happier with my current progress, I've almost hit a month and even survived an entire holiday (well 7 days of no school) and could resist any urges that came on my path.
Of course the work-out helped me really in a good way, tonight I'm going again and hope that my muscle aches won't be too bad this time!

In general, I feel a lot calmer, I begin to objectify women way less and I can feel a better control on myself.
Maybe it's a little pre flatline kicking in but either way I'm having a good feeling about it.

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on October 28, 2014, 10:10:40 AM
That's great man sounds like you're making real progress. Keep up everything you're doing and push on!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 28, 2014, 10:13:47 AM
[Day 28]

Today I've been feeling rather depressed which may be the flatline kicking in for obvious reasons.
Also, today I started reading No More Mr Nice Guy, when I started reading this ebook I was rather shocked.
I could recognize myself really in this, of course not every point could relate to me because that would be a true disaster.

I'm desperate to continue reading in this book but sadly I have just too much school work at the moment to really focus on it.
I just hope I'm either mistaking or I can find a solution in this book.

Link to the ebook:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 (http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 29, 2014, 07:51:27 AM
[Day 29]

Today feeling quite better even though I messed up my math test.
Last night I read the first 2 chapters of No more mr nice guy and I figured I don't have that much in common but the thing I do
have is that I never had a father figure in my life.

My mother has always been saying bad things about him since I was young and I'm not sure if that's the cause but I've also never been really proud of him.
It's not like he wasn't there for me (or my brother) it's more that I never really had a bond with him. I've also never seen him as someone I would
love to relate to. I've been fighting in my life that I don't want to become like him.
I'm not going into detail, he wasn't a bad guy to me nor my brother but he has done things we weren't exactly proud of.
I'm going to continue to read the book and hopefully learn a lot more from it.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on October 30, 2014, 08:59:44 AM
[Day 30]

Only today and tomorrow left and I will have passed a month!
It's going really well, I feel the brain fog getting a little less yet I find it hard to concentrate yet I blame my ADD for that.

I've also given up smoking again together with my mother, I'm pretty sure the urges will be way worse because smoking usually took some big edges off.
Yet, I will hold on and I know that because even in my test week which is full of a lot of tests I keep holding strong.
If I can do it in a week full of stress, I can do it any time!

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 01, 2014, 09:38:02 AM
[Day 32]

Today is the day that I have hit my 1 month milestone!
I'm really glad yet today I'm feeling like a wreck, depressed, sad, lonely and sick.

Knowing that I need to study today feels like I have to run a marathon while with so much weight on my shoulders.
On the other side, I had 3 different dreams tonight, strangely I could recall all of them which isn't really that common.

Today I'll take my rest and study anyway, maybe it's not so bad once I start.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 02, 2014, 07:38:10 AM
[Day 33]

Days are really going up and down with urges.
Yet the more I keep myself busy the lower they are, I could even say the urges are very low to not there.
Even though I have my mood swings I truly believe I can do this, I hear a lot after a month the cravings and withdrawal symptoms get pretty bad.
I haven't had them badly, so I'm just looking back at my progress how much better and easier it gets and I will stick to that.

 
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Recovery101 on November 02, 2014, 11:42:18 PM
Hey buddy. I'm glad you're making such great progress. Seeing I have failed countless times, I'm glad to see there are still people who are trying to get out of this PMO hell and trying to get on with their lives rather than just relapsing and making no progress. Good luck in your journey and stay strong bro!
-Rec101
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 04, 2014, 09:15:02 AM
[Day 35]

For the past 2 days I've been having arguments with my mother, at last I decided to apologize to her, yet she didn't apologize back and held strong that was far from needed.

Many things came to happen again and I got so mad I started throwing things around in my room.
As we speak even my room's floor is covered in glass.
I also walked away from my home, even though it rained I couldn't care less I just went on as I was so extremely mad.

She really needs a therapist, because she calls me crazy for what I do when I get angry but she's the one who is making me angry even if I scream for her to stop..

Still haven't PMO'ed and I don't feel the need to.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 05, 2014, 06:24:10 PM
[Day 36]

Still going strong, yet it's not going so well at home with my mother at the moment.
We're ignoring each other 24/7 at the moment, yet I don't and will not let effect this my reboot, I've come too far for that!
Going to work-out again tomorrow to release the stress and just be away (excluding school).
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: nofap97 on November 09, 2014, 01:36:16 PM
[Day 36]

Still going strong, yet it's not going so well at home with my mother at the moment.
We're ignoring each other 24/7 at the moment, yet I don't and will not let effect this my reboot, I've come too far for that!

Don't let anything effect your reboot, it will make it worse.

Keep going strong!  ;)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 09, 2014, 03:34:22 PM
[Day 40]

Spent the last weekend at my dad's place, had some great talks with him considering the fights with my mother and managed to solve those.
Still going strong with barley to no urges at all!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 09, 2014, 03:34:48 PM
[Day 36]

Still going strong, yet it's not going so well at home with my mother at the moment.
We're ignoring each other 24/7 at the moment, yet I don't and will not let effect this my reboot, I've come too far for that!

Don't let anything effect your reboot, it will make it worse.

Keep going strong!  ;)

Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on November 09, 2014, 03:52:54 PM
That's great that your urges are relatively low and youve managed to fix things at home. Just continue to focus on other aspects of your life and you'll be good. Keep going strong man your doing great!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: sadboiboi on November 09, 2014, 11:50:16 PM
Try to keep yourself busy with lots of stuffs to do, like hanging out with your friends, playing sports and doing your favourite things! It works for me for keeping those thoughts off! And dont give up!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 10, 2014, 11:25:18 AM
That's great that your urges are relatively low and youve managed to fix things at home. Just continue to focus on other aspects of your life and you'll be good. Keep going strong man your doing great!
Thank you for the feedback, my father taught me a wise lesson about addictions.
If you keep being strong the urges will fade again and you'll feel good that you did!
Even though his addiction was smoking, it does really help when I'm in a bad craving.

Try to keep yourself busy with lots of stuffs to do, like hanging out with your friends, playing sports and doing your favourite things! It works for me for keeping those thoughts off! And dont give up!
Thank you too for the great feedback!
Going to work-out tonight to get rid of all that energy!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 10, 2014, 11:29:43 AM
[Day 41]

I'm starting to feel more changes, for example today I had a pretty serious conversation yet I felt pretty calm about it.
Normally I would be pretty afraid, trying to hide my fear and just close myself off but this time I faced it without even thinking about it!

Even my mother complimented me suddenly that she said she thought I made a way stronger and more clear impression on her lately.

I was really glad hearing that just out of the blue without giving any hints or whatsoever.
She doesn't know about my reboot though, I've been feeling like telling her but I feel still a bit embarrassed since porn is like a really weird thing to her,
so I don't feel very comfortable telling her I was addicted all those years..
It's not bothering me though, I'm so happy with the support I'm getting here, the journals that truly are motivating and I told some people I met online (anonymously) and it has been a great support for me!

Going to take a short nap and then work-out again or else I don't think I will do a lot. And I don't feel like skipping.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 11, 2014, 11:35:48 AM
[Day 42]

Had quite a shitty day, couldn't concentrate, also a little bit changes in having a boner or not.
It changes a little from strong erections to the next day with none at all, during my reboot I actually prefer none but I'm glad to see at least it's changing in a good way too!

Besides that I had a lot of head aches, pain in my eye and stomach so I took a pretty powerful pain killer which solved everything but it's a one time solution to me.

Yesterday I still felt too tired to work out so that will be today as I have more energy.

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 11, 2014, 07:03:17 PM
[day 42 part 2]

I came back from the gym completely exhausted, I've been working out really hard and I had to be honest it felt great once again!
Compared to when I started I've been gotten quite a bit stronger and my condition has improved.

I was pretty positive until, well I suddenly got blue balls. I truly don't recall how it happened, I've not been viewing any nsfw stuff yet it happened.
Started looking on ybop and decided to do the cold water trick yet for some reason I've attained some big urges.
Feeling quite nervous out of nowhere and the desire to release stress through MO but I'm doing my best not to, therefore I'm writing a part 2 in my day 42.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: 1996addict on November 11, 2014, 07:27:42 PM
Stick with the gym Buddy!  Nothing better for stress.  The only drawback is that it increases testosterone.   For me trying to stop jerking off at your age was fruitless.  I may get called out for saying this.. but jerking off as a teenager is normal (as long as it isn't dond in excess ).  However,  I would definitely recommend  staying away from porn.  You'd be surprised at what a little imagination will do.  ;)
Hang in there  Bud!  Feel free to PM me if u need someone to talk to.   
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 15, 2014, 01:54:36 PM
Stick with the gym Buddy!  Nothing better for stress.  The only drawback is that it increases testosterone.   For me trying to stop jerking off at your age was fruitless.  I may get called out for saying this.. but jerking off as a teenager is normal (as long as it isn't dond in excess ).  However,  I would definitely recommend  staying away from porn.  You'd be surprised at what a little imagination will do.  ;)
Hang in there  Bud!  Feel free to PM me if u need someone to talk to.

Thanks man, I really appreciate it!
I will have to stick with the gym because I bought a 6 month subscription, would be a waste if I wouldn't go.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 15, 2014, 01:59:24 PM
[Day 46]

Been having a lot of mood swings, from lonely and depressed to really moody.
There were even times when I questioned myself what was wrong and what was right, it felt like my emotions were racing through my mind yet I'm okay now.
Last Thursday, won't say I'm proud of it, was when I went to the coffee shop and bought some weed.
I will not recommend this to anyone but it personally put my head to rest.

Today I'm w/o weed again and felt slightly more tired but after some food/soup/exercise I'm feeling like myself again.
Lately it's been a bit weird with my urges, I can have no problems at all, not even thinking about pmo and it can suddenly change where I'm just sitting with a boner for a while
trying to resist doing anything. Luckily, I'm still successful without PMO.
Yet the dreams is something that keeps confusing me and reminding me of how it was before my reboot.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 16, 2014, 04:23:17 PM
[Day 47]

Oh man I'm so moody yet lonely.
Feeling really lonely yet if someone talks to me it annoys me endlessly, for example my father called me today and I couldn't wait for him to hang up.
I hope he didn't noticed how annoyed I was, but he didn't seem to.
Guess I just miss having a girlfriend with whom I could share my thoughts and that she could make me feel better again by cuddling or just talking.
I have to set myself over that..

Still going strong without PMO, even though, I wish the moods were a bit brighter.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 20, 2014, 05:06:10 PM
[Day 51]

I'm not really focused anymore on not fapping nor watching porn.
It's starting to become a habit, I think this is a very positive development but this also means my journal will become less active.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Doc Green on November 20, 2014, 09:43:09 PM
You are doing very well ! I can't even picture myself going that far without PMO . its been so long that its been apart of my life. The longest I went without it was like 22 days :/
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 22, 2014, 11:22:27 AM
You are doing very well ! I can't even picture myself going that far without PMO . its been so long that its been apart of my life. The longest I went without it was like 22 days :/

Don't worry!
I've been with PMO since I was about 11 until I started rebooting. If I can do it, so can you!
Also, yes the beginning is hard, but once you can stick yourself with it, it gets easier by the day!
The only thing you'll have to fight are the random urges from time to time.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 22, 2014, 11:25:14 AM
[Day 53]

Since yesterday I became pretty badly sick. Throat hurts like hell and I keep coughing and sneezing. My nose was completely stuck and it still kinda is.
Today I woke up with a fever and I've been in bed since, at the moment I'm feeling slightly better but I'm not too happy about it.
My depression is a bit lower, yet I wouldn't say I'm happy.
 
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Doc Green on November 22, 2014, 02:15:38 PM
Hey man I am pretty sick too hope you feel better soon!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 24, 2014, 11:43:35 AM
[Day 55]

Saturday night I had a great dinner at a fancy restaurant with my mother and my brother. My brother and I were always fighting but since this time we did really fine! Afterwards I even stayed with my brother at my dad's place where we hung out with him and a couple of friends of his I know as well.
It made me feel really good having fun together.

Today has been awful, suddenly I'm getting so much urges and so much boners which are stronger than I can remember.
It does make me feel more confident knowing the reboot is working but it's really difficult resisting yet I am doing it! Tonight I'll spend some more time at the gym so I'll be away from the computer and I can release this strength in exercise.

Besides that, I'm almost hitting my second month! I'm pretty proud of myself.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on November 24, 2014, 01:08:00 PM
That's awesome man your well on your way to recovery.  Keep it up. JUST Don't give in the urges I know they suck but you've made it so far its not even worth it. How have your dreams been? Are they still porn related? Anyway keep going and Stay strong brotha!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 24, 2014, 06:40:44 PM
That's awesome man your well on your way to recovery.  Keep it up. JUST Don't give in the urges I know they suck but you've made it so far its not even worth it. How have your dreams been? Are they still porn related? Anyway keep going and Stay strong brotha!

Thanks for the reply mate!
The dreams have vanished along the way as I've avoided all the sexual stimuli. It's kind of nice not having to worry about dreams anymore.
I'm indeed pretty far, I'm near 2 months and I'm really proud of myself!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 25, 2014, 08:43:41 AM
[Day 56]

It's getting slightly harder, have been feeling rather aroused lately, yesterday working out worked really great! All my energy was just out of my system, it did leave me exhausted though. Posting away on this forum helps me vent but having more and more boners through out the day is really frustrating. I need to keep my head straight on the reboot or I might relapse. Luckily that hasn't happened though!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on November 29, 2014, 05:21:54 PM
[Day 60]

Time does go really fast, already day 60 and thinking of seeking help for my depressive moods. I've always been heavily against professional help as it has never helped me in the past but I'm willing to maybe give it another try.
Besides all the negativity, YES, I've successfully hit 60 days! I will count the day after tomorrow (62 days) as 2 months and I'm 100% sure I'll hit that too.
 
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 01, 2014, 09:18:22 AM
[Day 62]

Today I've hit 2 months! I'm planning on a lot of improvements, as in that I will continue to work-out which I do 2 times per week.
As the brain fog is slowly disappearing (sadly and returning from time to time) I'm going to be more strict on myself with doing my homework so I have more free time in the evening.
This free time will not be spend on chances to relapse of course, maybe work out more but in general I'll find something.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 02, 2014, 03:10:00 PM
[Day 63]

Awful day, had a headache, my bowels hurt, feeling very tired and just depressed.
I don't know what's going on with me, yesterday I was so super positive and nothing could bother me. Today all of that just went down the drain, no sign of optimism here, on top of that I'm extremely moody and tired. As soon as I got home from school I just went straight to bed, I've slept until even my mother had finished her dinner and woke me to eat something. Now it's 9PM and I still have to do all my homework, I might just let some slip but I must do most of it as some important tests are coming. It makes me rather emotional and stressed. My brain is even questioning the reboot, that's why I know I must hold on even more but it's really difficult in these dark times.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: pmohead on December 02, 2014, 05:10:15 PM
Very encouraging words man, it's nice to see that you've hit 2 months, congrats!!

You know... when everything's allright it's so easy to reboot. It's the bad days which make the difference between relapsing or being a winner. You can do it!!
This is my 2nd day without PMO since last relapse, yesterday was a great day and today I was deeply depressed as you. My best mark has been 20 days without PMO and I can remember in a few of them I was depressed.
It's completely normal, you are rewiring, your brain is suffering withdrawal and that's stressful and painful. Your brain wants you to keep hooked; but your life needs the opposite. KEEP STRONG.

I'm sure you already know that, but I usually try to remember this thoughts on dark times and dark days, and it's always nice to hear it from a different person.

Cheers!!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 04, 2014, 12:29:11 PM
[Day 65]

Feeling really depressed, school isn't going well and I feel misunderstood there. My mood is just going down the drain, even almost relapsed but I managed not to. Just took a shower to get rid off the temptation and to clear my mind but the sadness isn't fading.
Nothing is cheering me up, today we had mentor class with my mentor and fellow students to have a talk how everyone was doing and studies etc etc.
Usually I'm kind of active there but today I didn't smile at anything, nor felt the need to. Maybe I'm quite happy my mentor didn't ask me to stay, I wouldn't have wanted anyway.. I thought about talking to my social worker, but due past experiences I'd rather not. Besides that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling him what I expect my depression is coming from, I've already made myself look like a fool before, I highly doubt he will take me serious nor would I have the balls to tell someone in real life. Even as I decided to accept help, I can't get myself to receive any, I just feel like a sore loser. I know I even hit past 2 months of no PMO and I should be proud but I'm not. I'm at the moment where I could just burst in tears and suicide on my mind all the time. I just can't get out of it, even if I would want to. I have no energy, nor motivation and my grades are just dropping. Messing up my finals is the last thing I would want to but I feel like I can't really do a lot about it at this moment. Maybe I should just drop out of school but I don't know what I would do after that, just work? Feel even more like a loser? I would love a girlfriend but I just feel like such a failure I wouldn't even dare to try. I don't know how to go on, I will keep my head straight about rebooting but my motivation to even live on is terribly low. I've even been thinking about death, I'm quite afraid there will be nothing after it, how would that be? Like if I could remember anything before this, nope I can't nor anyone can. I don't believe in a heaven nor hell don't try to convince me I'm not religious. to me it's just a way of letting people be more calm when they're passing away in stead of freaking out that everything will be over for real.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: datkid93 on December 05, 2014, 10:50:19 AM
Wow man I feel your pain. Letc it be known that the depression probably is an indicator that your on the right way to recovery.  I too and really fucking up in school I really don't have motivation to really do anything I can't bring myself to study or anything. I dont even enjoy hanging out or going out with my friends I just rather be by myself at times now. Although my mood mentally isn't depressed I myself am more depressed at where I stand with my reboot and as to whether I can get where I want to be. I get constsnt thoughts about my sexuality and havent forgotten it in anyway if anything i feel luke its gotten worse.  I feel awful knowing where I have brought myself and refuse to  accept this as the person where I want to be but rn the road to recovery looks extremely daunting for me. I remember for me at least I wanted to improve my image and take better care of myself to be more appealing to girls but given that's not what Im wired to at the moment I just don't eben see the point I haven't even been taking care of myself like I used to. I just don't know...i too have had sui dial thoughts but knowing how many more people I'd hurt doing it leaves me unable to even consider it. I hate myself rn and feel totally lost man I honestly try to sleep the day away when I can bc in my dreams I'm away from my strUggel but at times it is even present there. I just wish I could go back if there a fucking reset button or something to do it all over again but there isn't just gotta makevery day better than the last at this point is all we can do at this point....
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 06, 2014, 05:56:32 AM
Wow man I feel your pain. Let it be known that the depression probably is an indicator that your on the right way to recovery.  I too and really fucking up in school I really don't have motivation to really do anything I can't bring myself to study or anything. I don't even enjoy hanging out or going out with my friends I just rather be by myself at times now. Although my mood mentally isn't depressed I myself am more depressed at where I stand with my reboot and as to whether I can get where I want to be. I get constsnt thoughts about my sexuality and havent forgotten it in anyway if anything i feel like its gotten worse.  I feel awful knowing where I have brought myself and refuse to  accept this as the person where I want to be but rn the road to recovery looks extremely daunting for me. I remember for me at least I wanted to improve my image and take better care of myself to be more appealing to girls but given that's not what Im wired to at the moment I just don't even see the point I haven't even been taking care of myself like I used to. I just don't know...i too have had sui dial thoughts but knowing how many more people I'd hurt doing it leaves me unable to even consider it. I hate myself rn and feel totally lost man I honestly try to sleep the day away when I can bc in my dreams I'm away from my strUggel but at times it is even present there. I just wish I could go back if there a fucking reset button or something to do it all over again but there isn't just gotta makevery day better than the last at this point is all we can do at this point....

Thank you for your inspirational words and making me feel not alone in this. I really hope you'll feel better very soon and just keep in mind that in the end it was all worth it.
We're just in a huge struggle at the moment, but we will get through!
Keep strong buddy!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 06, 2014, 06:10:19 AM
[Day 67]

As it couldn't get any worse, as my old iPhone 4s was about to break down, I've quit smoking and I hit 2 months of no PMO I rewarded myself with the iPhone 6.
Mainly because I quit with smoking I can actually afford it, but last night, I cracked the screen. It kept me awake almost the entire night feeling really depressed.
I already know it's probably going to cost around 300 euros, can you believe that, such a big price for a screen?! I'm completely devastated, but I guess that's life.
On the other side, what strange was that I felt really depressed and my brains were seeking for a dopamine high, of course that's what you do when you feel like you've hit the bottom.
The thing was, my brain wasn't telling me to PMO, I was searching for other things, which I personally see as a really great improvement, just the fact that I had alcohol and nicotine in my mind wasn't very great. I think I should be happy that it happened in the night so there was no way to get alcohol nor nicotine so I managed to get through the night even though I barley slept..


Edit: So, I turned in my phone at the store and I probably won't have it for like 14 days. Well FML, now I can't even read my e-books nor the news comfortably in my bed. This really sucks, but I guess I'll have no other choice..
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: TheAntagonist on December 07, 2014, 10:18:21 AM
maybe a little too late but gratz on reaching 2 months
since you started about 20 days before me, i see u as my role model, whenever the urge to fap come, i say to myself "i'm not gonna lose to innocence, if he can do it i can too"
keep going strong bro, i'm with you !
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 07, 2014, 10:29:57 AM
maybe a little too late but gratz on reaching 2 months
since you started about 20 days before me, i see u as my role model, whenever the urge to fap come, i say to myself "i'm not gonna lose to innocence, if he can do it i can too"
keep going strong bro, i'm with you !

This genuinely made me smile, I feel really honored to be your role model!
Thank you for that and I believe you can do it too!

Stay strong bud!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 07, 2014, 05:03:07 PM
[Day 68]

Lots of mood swings today, no motivation to do whatsoever but I did work on my homework an hour. It's not a lot but if I look back, it's pretty decent for what I used to do in dark times.
I've also been noticing over the past few days that my morning wood is starting to return more often so I'm pretty glad about that!
At the moment I'm just feeling a bit down with a headache and been feeling quite sick this entire afternoon. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow because I don't want to miss classes nor skip going to the gym again.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 08, 2014, 10:08:49 AM
[Day 69]

Urges are nowhere to find, but still feeling a bit sick. Got my vitamine D medicine from the general partioner and I hope it will clear my depression a bit because I had a lack of vitamine D in my blood.
Let's see how it goes!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 10, 2014, 08:45:36 AM
[Day 71]

Still a bit frustrated with my iPhone still being in repairs, it sure is taking a bit long.
Well not long but I just don't like waiting.
My reboot isn't really that much on my mind anymore, I don't find it hard not toPMO, but I maybe should be a bit more careful around the internet what I do and shouldn't see.
I'm not talking about P but more random pictures or videos uploaded to sites like 9gag.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 11, 2014, 02:15:24 PM
[Day 72]

Feeling rather weak, been a little sick again and been stressing a lot over school.
It's just too much to handle, I don't know if I will get through this year.
On the plus side I'm still taking vitamine D pills and it helps to brighten up the mood, but I can't help to feel so weak during the day nor even to get shit done.
Today I received the bill for repairing my iPhone, freaking €300 but I will get a new phone so that's better than paying €800.
Just have to wait until somewhere next week to receive it, service isn't too great urg.
No PMO is still going good, I'm just too down/weak to feel anything positive about it but I have more morning wood and random boners.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Recovery101 on December 12, 2014, 02:46:36 AM
Hang in there man! I know you can get through this. You've motivated me and I'm here to return the favor and lend some support. -Rec101
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 12, 2014, 01:48:54 PM
Hang in there man! I know you can get through this. You've motivated me and I'm here to return the favor and lend some support. -Rec101

Thanks for your support man, saw you gave it another chance again!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 12, 2014, 01:51:33 PM
[Day 73]

Today I've been feeling a lot better, been working out again and it felt pretty good to be active again.
Something special did happen today, as a (girl) friend of mine offered me a hug and of course I gave her a hug but suddenly..
That feeling I hadn't felt for years, I suddenly had a bit of a warm feeling in my chest, of course it was rather small but the fact that I got it really means to me this reboot is making big progress.
Getting warm feelings again, morning wood returned most of the time so I'm really seeing progress and I'm really happy about it.
Besides that, if I'm lucky my iPhone will be repaired by tomorrow and back in the store. The costs are still the same but I'll at least have my phone back!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 14, 2014, 03:33:40 PM
[Day 75]

Slept pretty bad last night, just couldn't get into sleep and had a big of an argument with a close friend.
Luckily it was solved but today I had no energy, even slept an hour with music on.
Got nothing done today, pretty annoyed by that but tomorrow is another day!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 15, 2014, 01:12:30 PM
[Day 76]

School work is truly killing me, there's so much to do and I feel like I can't keep up.
I will do my best with what I can and will fight for it.
Besides that I've been feeling pretty excited about a friend of my father's who arrange a day I could join him at his work.
It's meant for that I can see what it's really like and if it's something for me. I hope I can built the confidence the face the people as it's also a lot of social work that he's doing.
The positive side to this is that I will get to know what I'm learning for and that I can get a clear view of what it is about.
Can't help myself to over think about it, would I need a suit or are some regular clothes which look slightly formal be good too?
Guess I will have to find that out.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 19, 2014, 07:02:41 AM
[Day 79]

Due triggers I will replace potential triggers with NSFW material.

Lately I've been rather sick, haven't gone to the gym in a bit and I'm feeling quite awful.
Even worse, I'm feel like a horny freak.
I think it's because I exposed myself to too much triggers, for example talking to a friend who had quite some exposing pictures, I felt awful about it afterwards because I send me craving to NSFW material. My brain kept going on with: "Wouldn't you like to see some NSFW and feel really good?" Even when I had no masturbation in mind it kept trying to get me to that, I didn't visit any P sites but it kept my mind occupied for so much. I might blame it on myself for being in my room too much and allowing myself to talk to this girl. Even though she might not realize that her pictures might be quite exposing my brain was just trying to NSFW material from her. I didn't try/ask her and nor did I receive any. I'm really glad she didn't go to teasing me because before my reboot she did a lot. I personally believe before my reboot my morals have saved me a lot. Even though I had been watching porn of the age of 11 I never really went to the super kinky stuff. When I got bored of a gender I just switched to another genre, another race, another body part that was being focused you name it. I never really viewed really kinky stuff, to me it was just morally wrong. I can't go around that sometimes I was afraid it was turning me on but I said to myself that it was disgusting or/and weird. Therefor I think I did save myself from a lot of trouble.

As of the last few days I've been feeling like a horny freak like I mentioned, it made me see that I should take my reboot much more serious as I've been slacking off with everything I was doing. I've been trying to quit cigarettes and before I knew I was smoking more than I used to afterwards. My diet turned into a joke, even yesterday I ate food I actually was allergic too and I don't feel too great about that either. I've even been skipping school because I saw a way to, not very proud of either. Even my reboot got a little bit the finger, I didn't watch P but I didn't close myself off from edgy material as I used to. When I started to realize what I was doing I stopped talking to that girl, smoked my last cigarette and took a long shower. Showers have always been a thing for me to put my head to rest and just get into a deep-thinking calm state. It also gave me the insight and inspiration to write this journal entry, as I haven't been a lot on the forums.

I even started to read the YBOP e-book again, as it had helped me so much and motivated me a great deal in the beginning of my reboot. I didn't PMO but it feels like I have been set back quite a bit. Not sure if I should count it as a relapse but I will think that through.

Stay strong everyone!   
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: The320Pilot on December 22, 2014, 01:55:15 AM
Please do NOT PMO when you reach 120 days. Continue ahead! Try to find something that brightens up your mood! I really hope you can get out of this period of sadness and into a period of joy.
 :)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 22, 2014, 10:11:30 AM
[Relapse]

I'm sorry guys, yesterday night day 81 I relapsed.
I was talking with a girl I've been talking to for a little while, we're also going to meet tomorrow but she was in the mood and dragged me a long.
It's clear that I really like this girl, she was teasing me a little with what we were going to do as she is staying over at my place.
From one thing came another, and so did I. Today I feel like the biggest loser ever. I gave up my 81 day reboot because I couldn't control myself.
I still remember how it felt, like I mentioned earlier, I felt like a horny freak, but it felt okay because it was with a girl I really like.
If I look back at yesterday I had wished I would have just gone to sleep earlier or at least controlled the urge but her picture just made me crazy.

I'm truly sorry for the people I've been an example to, who I have inspired.  I truly hope you guys will not fall like I did and surpass me.
However, I will not give up, I may have relapsed but I haven't lost the battle.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: The320Pilot on December 22, 2014, 10:54:11 AM
If you say you relapsed, that means to me that you had an orgasm. I don't think, however, you should've had reseted your counter. If you did not MO to P, I don't think that's an issue. Part of the rebooting process involves getting in touch with women.

Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 22, 2014, 11:02:05 AM
If you say you relapsed, that means to me that you had an orgasm. I don't think, however, you should've had reseted your counter. If you did not MO to P, I don't thinks that's an issue. Part of the rebooting process involves getting in touch with women.

Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.

I MO'ed so that's enough for me to say I didn't do a good job.
If she was with me then it would be another story.

Thank you for understanding though.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Recovery101 on December 24, 2014, 03:35:46 AM
"Why do we fall innocence?" "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Batman Begins  Lol as you can see I'm a big movie fan. Don't be down man. Everybody stumbles and falls. I mean have you read my journal?!? Lol. Dude you're one of the people I look up to one this site for support. You've been with me on my reboot since Day 1, and to that I say thank you. It's only right that I return the favor. Go easy on yourself, you've made it 81 days! That more than I would ever accomplish. Don't worry man, you'll beat your record again. I know you can overcome this addiction. -Rec101
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 24, 2014, 08:28:34 AM
[Day 2]

I'm completely broken, yesterday (until today) I had a girl come over. I had met her over the internet, was madly in love with her but it didn't work out.
It felt so right to me, we just had this click and on top of that she wanted to stay over as she lives pretty far away.
We cuddled, kissed and even had sex which made me think she was in love with me too but, sadly she didn't want to have a boyfriend yet...
She was just looking for the benefits and normally I wouldn't mind but this girl had my heart and as she left I feel like crying but I can't..
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: TheAntagonist on December 26, 2014, 10:57:44 AM
there is no need to be hasty, true love for me is not something you can find easily but then you do, you'll definitely know, just try to keep ur mood up, still here supporting you my man :)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 27, 2014, 07:26:33 AM
[Day 5]

I'm still very depressed over that girl and in-general.
The last 2 days of Christmas (In Holland we have a first and second Christmas day) I've spent my time completely stoned (high) on weed.
Not going to say I'd recommend it to anyone because you'll feel good while doing it but once it's over you'll either want more or go back to your (depressed) previous state.'
The reason I did, I couldn't stand Christmas. Seeing everyone happy together, even my mother with her boyfriend. I just couldn't take it.

As expected I spent most of the time in my room with headphones on listening to music and just being slightly active on the PC.
The only thing I can be quite proud of is that I didn't PMO, but I feel like I have got a quite good control of myself when I'm under influence of substances.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Patrick on December 27, 2014, 07:35:59 AM
Stay strong, brother. You are worth it. Be proud of yourself. We can do it! Your depression will pass for sure. I have been depressed and could see that all that is happening is that I'm having depressive thoughts. Your soul can never be affected. Your well-being can never really be affected. As soon as the thoughts pass, if you let them, the sun will shine again. I know this sounds cheesy, and it's true. I am from Germany and know that Christmas can feel lonely in Europe (I guess it can anywhre.) Hang in there, mate. Peace and good luck.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Ikeepmyselfanon on December 27, 2014, 07:36:38 AM
stay strong my friend. Try exercising it is what helped me get rid of most of my depression. I have no idea why I was depressed, but dude if the music you are listening to is heartbroken love/relationship music then your not doing yourself any favor. Music has a hypnotic state to it which can induce certain emotional states, so basically try to listen to music that pumps you up or makes you feel good about yourself.  But still I understand your predicament getting over depression is not as easy as it sounds :/ but try making changes dude before this depressive state takes a hold of you for most of your life :/ best of wishes 
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on December 29, 2014, 11:07:33 AM
[Day 7]

Been very depressed lately, even thinking about suicide a lot.
Chatted a little with the suicide hotline but it just didn't work out, it's useless. They really should use better people than just volunteers.
I'm spending my time in this holiday just sleeping, smoking cigarettes more than ever and just doing nothing.
At least I've not given into watching porn, I never want to do that again regardless if I'm rebooting or not.

Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 01, 2015, 04:44:35 PM
[Day 10]

I spent my new years eve alone, I was still feeling depressed and my mother went to her boyfriend.
The friend I usually spent my new years eve with was in America with our other friend who moved back there.
Luckily I had a friend online who lived in the USA and therefor she didn't mind spending time with me until the clock had hit 12.

After 12 I went to a friend, invited another friend and she invited someone else.
As we live in a small town, doesn't mean there isn't a party. Normally I would hate party's like that, but I wanted to give it a try.
I had been alone the entire evening after all, had to socialize and after all it was fun.
Got slightly drunk and to there was another friend (well it's a small town, you see a lot of old friends) who had some weed so I didn't say no to that either.

After a lot of dancing, laughing and just in general having fun at 4.00 AM the party was over and we went to our homes.
Sadly, my bike was blown up by fireworks, well it still works.... Partly..
When I got home, I went straight to bed and slept quite deep.

Today, I woke up somewhere around 5.00 PM, was still a little bit fuzzy from the night.
Luckily no hang-over because I didn't drank that much anyway but as the brainfog disappeared I started feeling miserable again.
I think it's because what has been going on the last few days, loneliness and just anxiety for financial subjects and of course stress for school.

Life is being a really tough one and sometimes I just want to give up.. Not on PMO, but on everything else.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: The320Pilot on January 02, 2015, 01:59:43 PM
[Day 10]

I spent my new years eve alone, I was still feeling depressed and my mother went to her boyfriend.
The friend I usually spent my new years eve with was in America with our other friend who moved back there.
Luckily I had a friend online who lived in the USA and therefor she didn't mind spending time with me until the clock had hit 12.

After 12 I went to a friend, invited another friend and she invited someone else.
As we live in a small town, doesn't mean there isn't a party. Normally I would hate party's like that, but I wanted to give it a try.
I had been alone the entire evening after all, had to socialize and after all it was fun.
Got slightly drunk and to there was another friend (well it's a small town, you see a lot of old friends) who had some weed so I didn't say no to that either.

After a lot of dancing, laughing and just in general having fun at 4.00 AM the party was over and we went to our homes.
Sadly, my bike was blown up by fireworks, well it still works.... Partly..
When I got home, I went straight to bed and slept quite deep.

Today, I woke up somewhere around 5.00 PM, was still a little bit fuzzy from the night.
Luckily no hang-over because I didn't drank that much anyway but as the brainfog disappeared I started feeling miserable again.
I think it's because what has been going on the last few days, loneliness and just anxiety for financial subjects and of course stress for school.

Life is being a really tough one and sometimes I just want to give up.. Not on PMO, but on everything else.

Hey, Innocence, it's a new year. Raise your head and look ahead. Enjoy your friends, your free time, listen to joyful music. Broken-heart music will surely not help. Try to become happier with the things you do. I wish you a nice 2015.  :)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 06, 2015, 12:38:22 PM
[day 15]

It's been a while since I last wrote in this journal.
Meanwhile not much happened as I've been really depressed and suicidal.
Also, my internet broke down therefore I can only access the Internet by my phone which I don't think is that bad but it's really annoying for school work etc.

Negatives aside, I talked with the suicide hotline in the form of a chat.
I accepted their offer to talk with a therapist as a chat therapy and today I had my first session.
It went really well, I borrowed a laptop and used my neighbors wifi and I feel slightly emotional in a good way. It was really nice to type my thoughts away still knowing there is a professional at the other side of the screen. Usually talking in real life about my problems can be really hard as I easily shut down.

On the other side, I noticed I may have developed a love addiction. I want to work on that too with the sessions (if I even have it) and figure out how to deal with that and I figured it could also be a great help for my porn addiction.
Because I've really been feeling like a horny bastard over the last few days, but it didn't surprise me as I've just started rebooting again being on 15 days.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 07, 2015, 11:52:36 AM
[Day 16]

Today my internet got fixed and I was lucky to have another session with a chat therapist.
Every time we chat we only have an hour (and 8 sessions in total) and they really fly away!

This is not the same therapist as the suicide hot line, I signed up on 2 different sites to try them out as I normally don't really have a lot of faith in therapy.

What I've noticed is that, even though someone can't see you a chat therapy can really work well.
You can easily sit behind your PC, be anonymous, admit your shame without having to say it.
I personally like the chat therapist I got, they frequently ask you if the chat is what you want out of it and because you're anonymous you don't have to feel ashamed saying no and telling them how you want it.

I personally had a lot of issues in the past saying what was really on my mind, but in the first session I even talked with this therapist a little about my porn addiction, we had little time left therefore we didn't go all the way about it but she even told me she heard it a lot.
Of course that wasn't a surprise but that people had told a therapist surprised me, I didn't get the chance to ask for her experiences with those other people but it was nice to know she was experienced.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 07, 2015, 06:08:17 PM
[Day 16]

Currently having a panic attack, I'm shaking, sweating, breathing quickly and I'm just confused...
Been swinging my arms all around me, hitting my desk, hitting my wall, hitting myself, pulling out my hair..
I'm going insane!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 07, 2015, 07:14:37 PM
[Day 16]

After 1,5 hour my panic attack stopped.
Worst feeling ever.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 08, 2015, 04:56:51 PM
[Day 17]

Yesterday as I was trying to study, I got a panic attack.
It was truly horrifying and it lasted for roughly 1 hour and 30 minutes before I stopped shaking and panicking.
A lot of emotions came out, I even cried after a really long time when I called a support line because I was so confused I didn't know what to do.

After about an hour my mother came home because I had sent her a text what was going on, also because this is the first panic attack I ever experienced.
Today all my muscles still felt very weak, was rather down but as the day went by I also got my stuff together and I feel more relieved.

I don't know if this is because of my reboot, but I had a lot of stress,frustrations and emotions built up but it did not affect my reboot as I did not PMO or have an urge to even do that.

As I mentioned a lot of emotions got out, that way I actually feel quite relieved and even my urges to PMO have gone down A LOT.
Maybe a wise lesson in this too is that you have to battle your emotional struggles to make your reboot a lot easier.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: readytobefree on January 08, 2015, 05:39:16 PM
Hey Innocence, I read your entire journal. That was a mad 81 day tear bro, even right now you're at 17 days is really impressive!

I'm curious about your mood regarding depression and the reboot. Can you say with certainty that over the 81 days your mood improved compared to when you just started your reboot? Reading your journal it seemed like you still had some strong mood swings.

I would say I suffer from some kind of depression and social anxiety, so I'm really hopeful for the reboot to fix my head or at least improve it.

It's great you're exercising too and trying to keep yourself active. Good luck! I'll be following your journal. :)
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 08, 2015, 05:56:06 PM
Hey Innocence, I read your entire journal. That was a mad 81 day tear bro, even right now you're at 17 days is really impressive!

I'm curious about your mood regarding depression and the reboot. Can you say with certainty that over the 81 days your mood improved compared to when you just started your reboot? Reading your journal it seemed like you still had some strong mood swings.

I would say I suffer from some kind of depression and social anxiety, so I'm really hopeful for the reboot to fix my head or at least improve it.

It's great you're exercising too and trying to keep yourself active. Good luck! I'll be following your journal. :)

Thank you for taking the time and interest in my journal!
Yes the day 81 was a rough mood breaker and made my reboot very tough to built up again, I can't deny that.

In general my mood has gone up a lot, I also suffer from social anxiety but during my reboot I can proudly say it has improved!
Even though I have anxiety disorder I feel more social and confident about myself. This can also due the fact I started exercising.
I feel more comfortable talking to people and be myself, this developed itself.

At first I didn't notice it that much until my mother actually noticed I made a stronger impression and I feel less anxious in social situations.
Regarding the depression, I do find more fun in other activities but I do believe you have to actively work on it too but the reboot can be a break through!

I also found your journal, currently I'm being rather busy with school as I have 7 days of tests (and only tests) after that I will take my time to read your journal (or when I have free time in between :) )

Thanks again for taking your time to read my journal and I hope I can be a support for you!
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 12, 2015, 01:42:06 PM
[Day 21]

Yesterday I had another panic attack, I also learned from my aunt it's in the family
It was truly awful and it makes me feel even more social scared and exhausted.
Got no motivation to do anything, but today I did visit the GP.

Next Wednesday I'll have an appointment.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on January 14, 2015, 04:00:03 PM
[Day 23]

Still been feeling rather anxious, life still feels like a pile of shit.

So today I had an appointment at the GP where there was some sort of psycho therapist, he was a very nice, understand man.
I've never felt this understood before, yet I felt exhausted and drained afterwards.
Still facing heavy brain fog, social anxiety and just feeling like shit in-general.

Not sure if I'm going to continue this journal a lot, I'm filled with emotions, sadness, anxiety, you name it.

To who all reading this, stay strong in your reboot!
Reboot has really helped me, until I relapsed, yet I will try to keep strong too, but my mental health is just going off-path right now.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on February 09, 2015, 07:14:58 PM
It's been a while since I posted here.
I'm currently not keeping track of my days, but I'd like to share something with you guys.

For almost 2 weeks I've been using antidepressants to boost my serotonin levels, it has helped me very greatly.
It has cured my premature ejaculation and also the need to watch porn has greatly decreased while I'm not numbed down.
I might consider getting active here again.
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Marko7776 on February 09, 2015, 07:30:32 PM
you're more than halfway there!
will you stop using them when you reboot?
Title: Re: Let's rewire. This time for real.
Post by: Innocence on February 10, 2015, 10:52:57 AM
you're more than halfway there!
will you stop using them when you reboot?

Nope, it's in my family to have low serotonin levels so I'm using them to prevent being depressed and a lot of other annoying symptoms.