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Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: metal22 on April 30, 2020, 07:30:27 PM

Title: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on April 30, 2020, 07:30:27 PM
Hi guys,
I thought that I had made it!  I went about 4 years without a relapse,  but here I am.  I believe I have learned a lot,  as well as my spouse during these 4 years.  I am ashamed to say that I need a lot more growth.  I wish I had just admitted to her about my relapse,  and then when she suspected I still lied!  Ugh!  It makes me feel like I'm back to square one again.  My addiction has really challenged my family,  and almost broke us apart 4 years ago.  Through the grace of my SO she stayed with me,  even when things looked bleak,  and I was a total jerk.  I don't know if I can express how disappointed it is to think you have finally made it and then to just fall back in the hole just like before.
I didn't value my marriage during the PMO days.  I took things for granted,  and basically eroded the marriage.  I've been in a daze for the last couple days,  not processing my emotions,  but today I realized unlike last time,  I need to fight for this marriage!   We have had our rocky times,  but I just can't imagine my life without her.  I don't express this enough ( obviously I need to improve here) that she means so much to me.  We are like the best of friends,  mostly always enjoying the company of each other. 
And to be so stupid and throw this away?  What the hell is wrong with me?!  She deserves better.  The amount of damage I did to her before was astronomical,  and to put her through this again?  She may not want to stay with me over this,  but I'm going to fight for this anyway.
This is day 4.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 01, 2020, 04:24:12 PM
Hello metal22,

i would like to think that a place like this is always there for you when you need it. So if this is a part of your fight for your marriage, i'm happy that maybe i can contribute.

It is only my perspective from what you`ve written, but i sense that the balance in your marriage between you and your wife is weakend because of PMO. As long as you give in to PMO it´ll be hard to restore a balance. You´re here for a fresh start, i wish you good luck and strength and never be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your wife will feel it, when you are fighting against PMO, even though you don't change words about it.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 02, 2020, 04:33:53 AM
Hey Metal22, welcome (back?) to the forum!

You did not throw everything away with a relapse, but it is a good thing that you've come to the forum. The fact that you see what has transpired in the past with you and your family shows that you are open for change.

You are not stupid for 'throwing' it away; you are an addict. And that sometimes means that you do something even though you know it's not what you want. That also means there is nothing wrong with you. You are on a forum with a great many people that are experience the same thing as you are (look at my opening post for example). So, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just a P addict. And that is not the end of the world.

So, the main question i wanted to ask you is; what made you relapse? What was the trigger or set of events that lead to it?


Good luck man. I hope to read more from you on here!

I'm rooting for you
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: runksoneck on May 02, 2020, 09:53:02 AM
Hey Metal22, welcome back

you can do it again. I mean, 4 years without relapsing you was doing something right.

In fact, can you tell us how you got this mark? urges, blockers, social media, sex...

Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 02, 2020, 02:17:05 PM
Thanks guys,
I should have been contributing here over the last while.  Honestly I had fallen out of touch with you guys but I need to have my head in the game so to speak.  One of the big lessons,  and I knew this theoretically,  was that once and addict,  always an addict.  We must accept that his has changed our lives forever.  And unfortunately,  we have to always have our guard up. 
Today is day 6.  Spent some time with the kids today,  and talked through a bit.  They voiced to me that they would like to have a more involved dad.  I spend too much time with my own stuff,  and they feel that they aren't a priority.  It breaks my heart,  but my life has always revolved around my things,  and they feel it.  They also talked to my wife,  and felt that love was about putting someone you love before your own needs.  They felt guilty for they're treating of their mom,  and also asked if I wasn't putting her first,  who was?  This relapse is teaching me how I need to change my priorities.  After the D-day of a few years back I recovered in many ways,  but changing of my life perspective did not.
Relapses are truly disappointing,  but this also forces me to reflect on things more,  about the situation,  and how we all interact in it.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 03, 2020, 02:58:57 AM
Hey metal,

I can only imagine how it must've felt, talking to your kids and hearing them say it! It also shows that you've taken the time to actually hear them and step out of your self-centered (not a judgement) view of mind! This mindset is what will help you out of your addiction eventually!

So, keep on going strong, invest in your wife and kids and they will be your greatest support in beating this addiction (whether they know it or not)

Good luck man!

ALso, keep posting on here! It helps you it helps us! (that's a line stolen from another forum member on here  ;D )
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Gracie on May 04, 2020, 05:12:22 AM
Metal,
It has been a while since you have been here.  And as I recall you were a little more open to women hooping in to your thread.  I think the hard part for us when we start working with our husbands through their addiction is all the things that trigger us.  Once we start down this path we become so damned hyper vigilant we are constantly receiving input to analyze for want of a better word.  The reason why is Porn snuck into our life like a thief in the night.   We didn’t know it was there until we found out.  We saw the signs, but thought our husbands would not turn away from us.  But then there it was.  The Secret that was kept.  So we worked hard to recover our sense of self, recover our marriage and move forward.  Then as our marriage and us and our husbands heal we start to relax.  But things trigger us.  After 8 or 9 years post d-day, I had to talk about an issue from then I had not talked about.  It was a decisionI made about yard work that hurt me immensely.  But we talked.  Talk to your wife.  Talk every day.  15 minutes just her and you.  Hold hand when you talk or some physical contact.  We women need communication.  We need reassurance.  We need love.  We need physical touch.  Caring touch not just sex.  Love to you Metal!  You can do this!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Wolfman on May 04, 2020, 05:41:26 PM
Thanks guys,
I should have been contributing here over the last while.  Honestly I had fallen out of touch with you guys but I need to have my head in the game so to speak.  One of the big lessons,  and I knew this theoretically,  was that once and addict,  always an addict.  We must accept that his has changed our lives forever.  And unfortunately,  we have to always have our guard up. 
Today is day 6.  Spent some time with the kids today,  and talked through a bit.  They voiced to me that they would like to have a more involved dad.  I spend too much time with my own stuff,  and they feel that they aren't a priority.  It breaks my heart,  but my life has always revolved around my things,  and they feel it.  They also talked to my wife,  and felt that love was about putting someone you love before your own needs.  They felt guilty for they're treating of their mom,  and also asked if I wasn't putting her first,  who was?  This relapse is teaching me how I need to change my priorities.  After the D-day of a few years back I recovered in many ways,  but changing of my life perspective did not.
Relapses are truly disappointing,  but this also forces me to reflect on things more,  about the situation,  and how we all interact in it.

Hi Metal, welcome back to the forum. Wow, 4 years is an amazing achievement. If you did 4, you can do 4 more! Maybe this relapse is a wake-up call of sorts. That something of who you are isn't working and that you need to deliberately work on your relations with others before you can restore yourself? Think about what worked before, and what the circumstances are now: what's different? Mistakes aren't mistakes if you recognize them as mistakes, because you've already started working on your errors by just thinking them: next step is to more precisely identify those errors, trace the development and react. Rearrange the bits of your life that isn't working and you'll seal the demon that is P for way longer than four years! Take control. You got this!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 05, 2020, 05:59:37 PM
Hi guys ( and gals),
Yes I welcome anyone to comment.  I try to be open to all thoughts here on the forum!
Day 9:
As I reflect on the last 4 years I have realized I have come pretty far.  I have learned a whole lot about myself,  my triggers and urges,  and so much about my wife.  I have leaned into the pain I cause her,  and am still causing.  But I have also learned that I'm still needing to work on a whole lot more.  I have always subscribed to the thought that I can overpower my psychology with will power.  Which is probably one of the most preposterous things in my psyche,  because I fail like clockwork.  2 weeks into this "change" and I'm back to where I started,  the emotion blown over and old habit return.  Once in awhile I change muster a minuscule change,  but that's definitely the exception not the rule.
But I also came to a realization recently.  My wife has mentioned this to me many times,  even before D-day.  I have a tendency to hyper focus on certain things.  They have generally been on hobby-like things,  though recently it was community building.  I think I get much comfort from these things strangely,  like looking into something deeply,  give it critical thinking,  coming up with a solution and moving onto the next one.  Maybe there was some pride tied to it,  and maybe the feeling of people looking up to me,  and also even a splash of power being the guy who figured it out.  Its kinda hard to explain,  but I think it goes without saying that it wasn't my family that I was doing this with.  She has asked me many times,  "if you can think so hard and long about this,  why can't you do this with your family?  Is it we just bore you?"  To which I really had no answer,  just a fine list of excuses.
Anyway after my relapse,  I finally gave it a thought,  like,  yeah why am I not?  I mean,  doesn't everyone want a thriving marriage,  and kids that love and respect them?  It felt stupid to admit,  but if I can save a city,  why can't I save a marriage?
So I have spent the last couple days listening,  reading and thinking about my marriage.  I've found some good podcasts,  and listened while I worked.  The one biggest thing I feel convicted on is my comfort/discomfort.  I believe ultimately that is why I lie,  and why honesty is so difficult for me.  I am selfish,  and I like my comfort.  I like to not deal with strong negative emotions,  and conflict,  and sadness and so forth.  I had been on Facebook recently (which is a very triggering thing for me) I felt strong emotions from it.  People where in conflict,  were full of discord and it felt ugly.  Now I definitely need to stay off FB,  but it did help me steer my thoughts in the last couple days as I reflected on the experience as a whole.  When I do something wrong I want to hide from it,  ignore it and even avoid thinking about it.  So,  that's a problem for someone like me in recovery. 
So here is my shift I want to work on and master until it becomes second nature.  I believe subconsciously I have associated discomfort with death,  like some sort of self-preservation.  The twist of irony is though,  that me continuing to do this will bring about relationship death. 
When I make a mistake now,  I will tell my wife,  and acknowledge the discomfort that will come,  and then when it occurs I will sit in it,  and not run away or escape.  It seems so elementary as I type this out,  but I honestly know this will be difficult for me. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 06, 2020, 09:07:58 PM
Day 10:
Today was pretty uneventful.  Things were busy work-wise and needed my attention more than usual so I feel a little disappointed I didn't get to reflect on a whole lot.  Tomorrow should be a lot slower so I'm hoping to spend a bit of time with my wife,  and hopefully have some good discussions.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 07, 2020, 04:54:27 AM
Quote
I am selfish,  and I like my comfort.  I like to not deal with strong negative emotions,  and conflict,  and sadness and so forth.

I find myself in this sentence. When my GF is in a sad mood and she´s encountering me, most of the time i don't want to hear about it. I'm blocking sad and negative emotions out of my mood and that's despressing her even more. She tells me that's hurting her and i've finally come to understand it. Maybe you feel the same way, anyway your post helped me see things clearer.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 07, 2020, 09:18:34 PM
Day 11:
I was feeling pretty good today.  Got some things done,  and the kids and I gave one half the house a really good scrubbing while she was at work.  We all enjoyed each other and the kids got satisfaction from working hard and getting things really clean.  I was originally planning on doing the whole house on this Saturday while she was at work so she would have a squeeky clean house for Mother's day,  but it turns out she doesn't work then.  So I went ahead and just got some of it done today.
I was thinking about our sex life today.  Even years after my hard reboot ( and before my relapse) our sex life wasn't up to par.  I mean we were on like a once a month average,  and I felt like it was really me not seeking.  I have a weird emotional state when I think about sex,  still after all this time.  Ever since the reboot,  I've always wanted to change that,  but I guess it wasn't priority enough b/c I never looked deep into it to figure out what was going on.  I have learned much in the last few years,  and one of the things is I am very controlled by my subconscious feelings,  which I am unfortunately completely out of tune with.  I believe I just don't have a clue on how to actually be a normal husband intimately and sexually.  I was never really educated on much ( nothing from the parents,  just the awkward stuff you learn in middle/high school),  and ultimately it was porn that I took in the most. 
A metaphor came to mind today when I thought about it more.  It's kinda like dancing.  Marriage is kinda like ballroom dancing;  elegant,  consensual,  and requires two people,  but also takes practice and skills to master.   I have always wanted to ballroom dance,  and even found a dance partner.  But when it comes to actually dancing I'm a novice,  I just know the basics steps,  and that gets boring for both of us.  And she is advanced,  waiting for me to catch up,  which I don't do because I'm intimidated and maybe ashamed that I can't dance.  Ultimately I just stop dancing much because of it.  I still love dancing,  and I also love my dance partner yet let my own mind stop me.  When I do dance,  I become very self conscious,  and struggle to make it fun and intimate the way it should be.  All of that causes me to bottle up all the emotions concerning it,  and because I'm a person who can't process emotions very well I just don't mention it bc it feels too painful to actually deal with it. 
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.,  but it's where I feel like I'm at.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 08, 2020, 02:38:15 AM
Hey Metal22!

I really recognize myself in not having a clue on how to be a good husband on an intimate and sexual level... Same here, got a lot of education from porn..
Its realisations like this that really make you understand how fucked up porn actually is.

Regarding the ballroom parallel; i've experienced the same, exactly the same. It's like being so self consious that you self-sabotage.. But, what I found out was is to just let go.. You are with the woman you love and trust.. There is no way it 'should' be.. There is a way that can be discovered together.. And yes as you said, it will take time and practice to master it.. But that process can also be fun!

I'm glad to have read this post, it made me feel less alone. So, thank you metal for sharing!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 09, 2020, 02:39:07 PM
Day 13:
I had made a promise to post everyday in my journal.  Obviously I did not do that yesterday.  This is just one small thing I had promised my wife,  as well as myself as an integrity builder.  I was working on something this morning when I thought about how I didn't post yesterday.  I knew that confessing that I had missed it was a necessary thing for both of us.  I didn't get to it until she finally asked me about how things are going.  I felt bothered that I hadn't just done it the second we had a free minute,  but unfortunately I waited.  But,  at least I did confess it.  I know it's small,  but it was a victory ultimately for me.  She didn't have to ask it out of me.  It was forefront on my conscience,  and I told her. 
We had a discussion about intimacy and physical touch.  She asked me when I'm going to touch her again.  I also gave her the unfortunate truth,  which was I was afraid to because I didn't want to experience possible rejection,  and also it felt de-emasculating to admit it.  But the truth is the truth,  and vulnerability is partially what intimacy is built on.  I need to be able to express how I feel,  so that she has the ability to fully love me.  She also needs to be able to express her feelings ( even if they are anger,  resentment, etc) and have me validate and support her in them.  Yes,  it hurts badly to be the cause of these awful feelings,  but we are all human and they happen.  If I shy away from them,  I am not supporting her in her needs,  and that ultimately undermines the marriage we have.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 10, 2020, 06:27:52 PM
Day 14,
Happy mother's day!  Not much to report today.  I did a little work on the house ( which my wife helped me with :-).  It was nice to have her help.  I got a book in the mail about marriage intimacy which I'm excited to start reading.  I'll let you know how it is.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 11, 2020, 02:36:01 AM
Day 13:
I had made a promise to post everyday in my journal.  Obviously I did not do that yesterday.  This is just one small thing I had promised my wife,  as well as myself as an integrity builder.  I was working on something this morning when I thought about how I didn't post yesterday.  I knew that confessing that I had missed it was a necessary thing for both of us.  I didn't get to it until she finally asked me about how things are going.  I felt bothered that I hadn't just done it the second we had a free minute,  but unfortunately I waited.  But,  at least I did confess it.  I know it's small,  but it was a victory ultimately for me.  She didn't have to ask it out of me.  It was forefront on my conscience,  and I told her. 
We had a discussion about intimacy and physical touch.  She asked me when I'm going to touch her again.  I also gave her the unfortunate truth,  which was I was afraid to because I didn't want to experience possible rejection,  and also it felt de-emasculating to admit it.  But the truth is the truth,  and vulnerability is partially what intimacy is built on.  I need to be able to express how I feel,  so that she has the ability to fully love me.  She also needs to be able to express her feelings ( even if they are anger,  resentment, etc) and have me validate and support her in them.  Yes,  it hurts badly to be the cause of these awful feelings,  but we are all human and they happen.  If I shy away from them,  I am not supporting her in her needs,  and that ultimately undermines the marriage we have.

Hey metal,

How did it feel afterwards, telling your wife about not posting and that she didn't have to pull it out of you?

What you said about being scared to touch her, you feel that it is de-emasculating? But aren't you glad that you've picked up the courage to tell her and that you were not scared to confide in her? What was her reaction?

I read that you've thinking about all this a lot and that you're very willing to work on all your problems, both your personal as well as your matiral problems


Good luck man!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 11, 2020, 09:07:10 PM
Day 15,
Listened to some good podcasts today.  They made me think about some issues I've been struggling with.  Super busy day though,  and I'm heading to bed.  I'll share more tomorrow.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 12, 2020, 09:23:24 PM
Day 16:
I've been thinking some about sobriety versus recovery.  When D-day happened 4 years ago I worked towards sobriety.  I did the 90 day hard reboot,  and kept up the not viewing P or MOs or anything of the sort.  I slowly recovered,  my PIED very slowly went away,  and I learned some things about myself.  I felt proud of what I had done,  and I even liked to call myself "recovered".  Unfortunately I wasn't recovered,  nor am I still.  And that was pretty evident ( though I was ignorantly unaware) that I wasn't recovered,  as the same issues that plagued my marriage before continued ( just without the PMO issue).  I don't really know why I didn't progress,  I seemed satisfied with where I had gotten.  Overtime I became less cautious with my thoughts,  and ultimately fell back into a relapse through a series of minor justifications.  I'm not saying that this wouldn't have happened if I had focused on recovery,  but I think it would have gone down differently.
Here are the things that I feel like need to be focused on for my recovery:
1. Honesty.  Got to be honest about things,  especially the things that I feel like will cause my wife to be angry, disappointed, frustrated etc
2.  Vulnerable.  I have to step into who I am,  not what others expect from me.  I need to honestly express my feeling,  emotions and motives to my wife,  even if I think she will think less of me.  She can't fully love me for who I am if I don't tell her.
3.  Get out of victim mode on my sex life.  I am a perfectly normal human,  with normal human needs,  and so is/does my wife.  I need to be willing and able to freely discuss things;  our wants, desires, goals etc.  I must accept my perceived shortcomings,  and enjoy intimacy without my brain stressing me out.
There is of course a ton more to work on,  but if I'm to reestablish my integrity with both myself and my family I need to make small steps and get those small successes.

@Shadetrenicin.  Yes it did feel good to be honest with her.  I felt some anxiety and disappointment that I didn't fess up the first minute I had a chance,  but at least getting it out there at all was a success for me.  Its very reliving to be honest. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 13, 2020, 01:25:00 AM
Hey Metal,


I like the three points you described! Resonates for me as well! And happy to read that you felt relieved after telling your wife. honesty is reliving indeed!


Good luck man, i hope you and the wife will figure everything out together
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 13, 2020, 10:23:25 PM
Day 17:
Thanks Shade!
We had a chance to go out today see our friends we haven’t seen in awhile.  Felt good to see them.  I heard a comparison today about our marriage to our spouses as sort of a training wheels for our love for God.  It really stuck with me.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 14, 2020, 09:33:06 PM
Day 18:
Ive been using most of my free time studying for an exam for licensing I need to do soon.  Unfortunately its been taking up way more brain space than I bargained for.  Otherwise today was uneventful. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 15, 2020, 10:03:05 PM
Day 19:
I heard today about how a couple’s sex life is an indicator of the health of a marriage.  I think theres a truth to that.  Im feeling like if this is going to work,  I need to step into becoming sexually healthy.  It just feels so overwhelming.  Its so hard even to bring it up,  just talking about how I feel,  how she feels and how and what we can work on together.  I know because its so difficult this is something I need to focus on to improve on. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 16, 2020, 02:30:43 AM
Hello metal22,

No one said you have to bring it up at all if it's so difficult. You can write it off here first, if that helps. I'm not sure if becoming overwhelmed by something is helping unless it's you and yourself to cause it. Please don't put pressure on anything. It is more healthy if it works in the way where you also feel good about it.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 16, 2020, 02:49:23 PM
Day 19:
I heard today about how a couple’s sex life is an indicator of the health of a marriage.  I think theres a truth to that.  Im feeling like if this is going to work,  I need to step into becoming sexually healthy.  It just feels so overwhelming.  Its so hard even to bring it up,  just talking about how I feel,  how she feels and how and what we can work on together.  I know because its so difficult this is something I need to focus on to improve on.

Hey Metal22,

I completely understand you, we're kind of in the same situation.

What has helped me (since i faced the exact same feeling) is that I
plain out said to my wife that I find it difficult to start a conversation about it because it was overwhelming and didnt know where to start and thus what to say.

Overcoming the problems is indeed difficult, but maybe you could try to make this journey together with your wife. Sex is of course something that you do together.. So although you feel like you need to improve, it is not something you have to do alone.

And you say that it's difficult to talk about how she feels. Are you afraid of the answer if you will ask her how she feels?


I hope you and the wife will find a way to talk about this without blame and/or guilt and that you work it out in time.

I'm rooting for both of you!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 17, 2020, 05:19:42 PM
Day 21:
Ugh I missed yesterday's post.  I apologized to my wife,  and I forgave myself,  but it did bug me.  I know that I have an issue with creating correct priorities in my life,  and I let this one obligation get cast aside yesterday.  Its not the end of the world,  but it is a good indicator I need to keep working on myself.
We had some good talks about our sex life yesterday.  It was really hard to talk about at first,  but once we got started I felt better and more open.  We ended up downloading a thing called a "sexploration list" and it was an exhaustive list of all kinds of sexual things within the christian realm.  It was probably one of the most open convos we've had about our wants/not wants in a long long time.  I felt like we took a very large step forward with that,  and I'm feeling very happy right now.  This of course is a path that I will need to follow for quite some time before I can be called "recovered",  but just getting on the right path feels like an accomplishment.
ImSorry,  yeah I appreciate what you are saying.  And sometimes it does feel better to put it in writing before I say it.  But I do believe that I have so incredibly much shame tied to sex,  that I need to be able to talk about it to be able to process,  plus I have a history of dishonesty so again its something I need to work through.  Maybe this isn't an issue that everyone needs to work through,  but for me,  yes I do.
ShadeTrenicin,  thanks man.  I feel our path is parallel is many ways.  To answer your question yes many times I fear her answer.  It makes a whole bunch of emotions bubble up when I hear how I have hurt her,  or how she might be disappointed with me. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 18, 2020, 02:29:49 PM
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together. 
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: KittyHawk on May 18, 2020, 02:40:37 PM
I am glad to hear you are doing fine, metal22.

Just keep bettering yourself at your pace. That's already more than most people do. I truly believe that we have a chance to emerge out of this with a more fulfilling life at the end.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 20, 2020, 05:53:03 PM
Day 24:
I missed day 23's post.  I'm struggling to find the balance of my life in which I can find time to post.  It seems that I'm not really good a consistency,  which is probably an issue for me in my addiction.  I let other things in life find priority.
Had a discussion last night about red flags and triggers and such.  I have to admit that last night I was exhibiting my old self-focused behavior,  which was disappointing.  My wife was forgiving,  but it still made my feel a bit upset that I had regressed.  Today seems to be going better though.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 21, 2020, 03:10:30 AM
Quote
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together.
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.

I'm so with you. I'm experiencing a really good time now with my GF, even there are problems.

Don't let it get you down. Recovery comes with facing truths. Talk about it, they will come again. Never be hard on your self. Think yourself as a man who can change. That's what we want, right? I don't want to be that guy anymore, i want to find out how i am without P. The things that come with it, can't be that bad compared to the things we got from our addiction. Tell me.

PS. Write in your journal when you have the time and something to say about you.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 21, 2020, 08:53:45 AM
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend.  We had quite a bit of intimate time,  and I really loved it.  It felt similar to when we were first together. 
I'm still focusing on balancing my life.  So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.

This is excellent man! great progress, were you and the wife able to really bond??


Good luck man! As always rooting for you!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 21, 2020, 10:02:12 PM
Day 25:
Things are going pretty well.  Had some ED creep in the yesterday which started freaked me out,  though we talked about it,  and she helped me identify some stressors in my life that I haven't been dealing with.  I unfortunately seem to hold onto stress and anxiety.  But progress has been made,  as I didn't feel so ashamed to talk about it.  I think Cortisol is something that really cripples me,  as it keeps me from sleeping well,  makes me eat inconsistently,  and helps cause ED with me ( which really can build on itself and make for a downward spiral),  and makes me shortsighted and retroactive in my actions.  I'm working on organization of my life,  talking openly about my feelings,  emotions and what's going on in my head.  It's helping a bit,  but it's consistency of doing all that that will help the most in the long run.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 22, 2020, 04:49:20 PM
Hello metal22,

the ED to go away needs time. There is almost no way of shorten up the way, except avoiding everything, also normal intimacy. So, for your balance it just the right way to be okay with yourself. If intimacy is part of your relationship, then it's good. It's the same in mine. All you have to do right now is avoiding everything that is keeping you away from your goals. All the other effects, like morning wood or no-ED will come sooner or later. Impatience or freaking out you don't need, so please find your balance. It helps (like you now understand what cortisol does).
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 22, 2020, 08:40:29 PM
Day 26
Today was a fairly relaxing day.  Pretty uneventful,   and felt pretty calm.  My wife and I make a great deal more physical contact during the day,  and I always enjoy that.  We visited some friends we haven’t seen in quite awhile.  It was nice,  though their kids are very wild.  I worry about my kids a bit with them,  and although they were wild like usual I believe my kids had fun.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 23, 2020, 06:54:13 AM
Hey Metal22,

I think you have a good insight in what stress / cortisol does with you and how it causes that spiral. The fact that it cripples you and interferes with your sleep (which lowers your defences) is a major influence in battling addiction. As you said it makes you shortsighted and retroactive. Now that you understand it, are you able to rationalize things as ED creeping in?

Also nice to read that you and the wife are slowly getting more closer on both a physical as well as an emotional level. Although it might still take time, i think the two of you are on the road to having a better, deeper and more understanding connection! I am happy for you both.


P.s. wild kids are annoying, but they're also kids. As you said yourself; they had fun!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 23, 2020, 09:28:13 PM
Day 27:
Another relaxing day with the family.  It was enjoyable for sure.  Im hoping this whole weekend will be nice.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 24, 2020, 07:44:19 AM
Great man, excellent to read that you're enjoying time with your family!

All the best for you guys!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 24, 2020, 10:15:38 PM
Day 28:
Had some good constructive conversations with my wife.  We discussed what our life would possibly be like when the kids grow up and leave.  She voiced to me how she doesn’t know how we’ll be,  like what we will live like,  and how she’ll feel.  It made me realize I seem to view the future rather optimistically,  whereas she is more of a realist.  I don’t believe our marriage has always been that way,  but it seems to be now.  I think some of that optimism is what got me to relapse.  Not to say we don’t need hope,  as surely we do,  but I also may have not fully grasped my own addiction and it’s control of my mind.   She told me that I seem to be focusing on slower growth,  and she feels like thats good.  I feel the same way too. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 25, 2020, 08:44:07 PM
Day 29:
Had a day working on a construction project of sorts.  The heat and sub got to both of us and we snapped a bit at each other but I feel like we worked it out mostly and had a good day nonetheless.  I could feel periods of grumpiness but I mostly felt like I could work through them.
I did enjoy the time with her today.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 26, 2020, 08:57:37 PM
Day 30:
Worked out in the hot sun most of the day,  so I’ve been feeling drained.  Had a short talk over dinner.   She commented that I still am not initiating conversations on this stuff.  Unfortunately she’s right. 
I’ve been thinking a bit on how blood pressure might be affecting my moods,  and other things.  Not sure why I thought about this, but I can feel my heart quite a bit throughout the day,  and it always makes we wonder what my pressure is.  Plus I’ve been wondering how stress affects it.
We also talked about the me too movement and how so many women get sexually harassed and assaulted.  It makes me feel very sad when I think about this,  how it affects my wife,  how I’ve participated in this,  and how my daughter will be affected.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 28, 2020, 06:16:02 AM
Day 32:
I missed the post again yesterday.  I’m sorry for that.
We had a weird interaction yesterday while we were on our front porch.  Some young black men pulled up,  spun a U-turn,  rolled the windows down and pointed what appeared to be paint ball guns at us, then said “ just playing”,  and raced off.  It was dusk so it was kinda hard to see and my wife ducked for fear they were real.  It really angered me so I got up and tried to chase after them hoping to get a license plate,  but me on foot without shoes and them in a car is pretty futile.  I then called the police and told them what happened. 
As I calmed down I processed with my wife over it.  I started to feel like I overreacted,  and she confirmed that.  We both recalled doing stupid things as teens,  and this seemed to be just one of those.  I don’t believe that those kids meant real harm,  probably just wanted a reaction out of since they were bored.  Then I felt bad for them,  playing around like that around where we live is dangerous.  Daily we hear gun shots so there are plenty of folks here with guns that aren’t afraid to use them.  I do think I need to continue to read my emotions as they come up.  Clearly I should have taken a second the assess the situation first.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 28, 2020, 09:12:14 AM
Even though i imagine the scene ridicilous, the mechanism is where to look at. If i understood right, you're interested in your emotions when something is happening with you?
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 29, 2020, 08:42:32 PM
Day 33:
ImSorry,  yes I am interested in better understanding,  then processing my emotions.  I have felt that throughout my life,  when my emotions get strong I do behavior that almost feels uncontrollable.  I don't feel like I'm crazy,  but these emotions can really control my behavior.  It may be that maybe that is part of why I veer away from strongly emotional things,  like dealing with the damage caused by my addiction.  It's so bad,  that sometimes when I even read people's posts on this site I have to take a couple short breaks with stuff,  or if I get an angry text or email I will avoid for as long as I can to read or listen to it.  My wife tends to deal with things right away and generally takes them head on.  I have always admired how she does that.  And once in awhile when I do the same,  I feel really proud of myself.  Yet just like with porn,  or all the other medley of negative behaviors I struggle to break the habits of not dealing with it.  Ultimately its entirely self destructive,  but I guess that's what all sin eventually does.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 30, 2020, 06:29:56 PM
Day 33 now, wow, you're handling well.

I'll add to your last post that the bottom line is: be responsable for yourself. For most of the things we can do right away it's just a dealing-with-it-mechanism you can train, but with PMO it's a bit different because of the addiction part. Anyway, you can manage this by learning to manage this. It's like a muscle you train, so keep training and have trust to maintain in this state to be positive in the end!

I like to be with you in your journey.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on May 31, 2020, 09:01:03 AM
Day 35:
I missed day 34 yesterday.  I seem to do this:  think about posting earlier in the day but then think “nah I’ll wait until I have something more important” then the day happens,  we visit with company and I forget.  It happened last night unfortunately.  Its not a big deal,  but its out of integrity with what I have set out to do.  Anyway,  I’m owning how I did not do what I set out to do yesterday.
ImSorry,  thanks man.  I have a great deal of time between my DDay and now.  I have broken the habits generated of years of PMO.  My struggles aren’t generally that hard with constant white knuckling of trying to avoid porn,  but for me its a low grade intentionality of daily being consistent with working through triggers.  One the plus side,  its gets a great deal easier a couple years down the road.  I always have the synapses for porn use,  but I also have the synapses to ignore it as well.  The problem with it being easy is it becomes where you lose all intention of sobriety then you find yourself slipping again.  My hope and belief is though,  that me working on actual recovery (dealing with root causes) will help me be able to maintain the intentionality for the rest of my life.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 31, 2020, 09:17:02 AM
It's absolutely not a big deal. Setting goals and not reaching in the exact time is still better than having no goals. Trust yourself. We are here and you come as you wish.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 01, 2020, 08:43:53 PM
Day 36:
What a crazy day.  The have now put a curfew on the city near downtown.  It's pretty close to us as we are just a few blocks away,  so it's a bit unnerving.  They have had lots of vandalism and I believe they are afraid things will turn more violent,  so hence the curfew. 
We were having a peaceful evening reading in our gazebo when my son somehow broke his arm on the trampoline.  It was a bad one,  with his limb going the wrong way.  We were all about to head down to the ER but my wife me and my daughter stay behind.  I wanted to be with him so my heart broke a little but with Covid we would have to wait in the car.  She was right to have us stay behind.  He is in shock and I'm waiting to hear more about whats going on. 
I think she's the most amazing mom.  She has always taken our kids in when something bad happens and handled them with the upmost care.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 02, 2020, 07:27:17 AM
Hi metal,

That's insane...a lot to go through in just one day. Kudos to you for being present both physically and emotionally for your family when they needed you. The significance of this can't be understated.

Wishing you, your son & your family all the best through these troubled times. Good luck!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 03, 2020, 10:10:31 AM
Wow metal, that is an insane situation. I hope your son is OK and that the effect of the unrest will not affect you and your family.


How is your son now?


Stay safe
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 03, 2020, 03:48:35 PM
It's just so nice reading how you appreciate the way your wife does things. That's of great value, maybe tell her?
Anyway, hope your son's arm is going to be ok.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 03, 2020, 08:40:26 PM
Day 38:
Sorry to keep you hanging as I missed yesterday.  Thanks for the well wishes!   He is doing better.  He has a full arm cast so it's pretty immobile.  He seems somewhat depressed as he isn't able to do the things he usually likes to do,  like swim,  ride a bike etc.  We tell him it's just a couple weeks and then hopefully he can do a smaller waterproof cast.  I have come to realize how independent he is.  I can tell he hates having people wait on him hand and foot and usually turns us down when we offer help.
Otherwise I've felt a bit tired but otherwise good.  This mishap has caused a delay in our exploring intimacy with each other.  I have to admit I was excited about the momentum,  and I'm a bit worried I will settle back into the old ways with this delay.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 04, 2020, 03:34:40 AM
Hey Metal,

The fact that you are worried about settling in into the old ways indicates that you are aware of the problem.
Might I suggest that you tell you wife about this. That you were exited how things were going and that you are now worried that you settle into the old ways. That way she knows your emotions, your fears about them and that you are thinking about it. Additionally she'll tell you what she thinks and feels about the situation so you also know what the situation with your wife is.

Good luck man
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 04, 2020, 09:13:22 PM
Day 39:
Hey thanks Shade.  That's good advice.  I'll keep up the lines of communication because that's what I need to do.
It was a rather uneventful day.  Felt a little frustrated with myself as I felt like I didn't get much done today,  or even this week in general
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 05, 2020, 09:03:53 AM
There'll be plenty of time for exploring intimacy i'm sure. Patience & awareness will carry you through. I'm also glad to hear despite everything, your son is doing better.

Keep going metal! You're doing great.

Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 08, 2020, 05:58:20 PM
Day 43:
Yikes I haven't posted in a couple days! 
Stress is building for my test I need to take this Thursday.  I need to study more,  and I've been trying to squeeze it in with extra time,  but it's really mind numbing.
More later!  Stay healthy guys!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 09, 2020, 03:17:50 PM
Absolutely understandable.

Anyway, it's good to hear something from you. Wish you all the best for your test.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 09, 2020, 09:55:08 PM
Day 44:
Just posting to stay consistent.  I’ll post more tomorrow.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 10, 2020, 09:30:25 PM
Day 45:
I take my test tomorrow.  My nerves are up and I'm feeling stress about it.  It's unfortunately resulted in me not being a great personality this last week.  Just need to get it over with so I can go back to my normal life.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 11, 2020, 04:51:12 AM
It's always the most stressful just before the time isn't it? Still, think of all the great progress you've made and the good coping mechanisms you've been working on. You & your family have gone through some tough times recently and I admire your focus and resolve throughout. Once it's over, i'm sure that normalcy you've been craving will be waiting there on the other side.

Best of luck!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 11, 2020, 05:51:54 PM
Day 46:
Hooray I passed my test.  Feels so good to have it done.  It was occupying a great deal of brain space as well as I was using extra time to study for it. I get my life back and my family gets a husband/father back.  The stress was kinda accumulating the last couple days and when a few things went wrong I think I was back to my old ways,  so we had some arguments.
I’m super excited though.  My wife arranged a weekend trip to a somewhat nearby city that we haven’t seen before (we’ve only lived here 3 years).  A friend is watching the kiddos so it’s just me and her.  Im looking forward to spending time with her.  We are typically great traveling companions but this weekend we can also focus on intimacy.
Thanks for thr kind words Orbiter. Keep up the good works!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 12, 2020, 03:59:45 AM
Hey metal22,

that sounds great. Congratulations.
I wish you a nice weekend with the wife and all.

You're doing great!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 12, 2020, 11:27:07 PM
Day 47:
Imsorry,  thanks man!
Today was a good day.  Tried to catch up on some things but didn’t make it.   Felt ok about it though and today was a good day!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 13, 2020, 03:09:48 AM
Hey Metal,

Congratulations on passing the test, well done!
I hope that you are now having a great time with the wife on your weekend retreat and that your son is feeling better.
Keep us updated man,


Cheers
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 13, 2020, 05:47:01 PM
Congratulations on the test metal, I could imagine it must be a great weight off your mind that you passed and are over with it.

Hope the weekend away with the wife is an enjoyable, restorative experience and best wishes to you and your family.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 15, 2020, 05:11:30 PM
Day 50:
We had a great weekend away.  Our friends watched our kids while we went to another city we had never been to.  It was relaxing,  and we had much time together.  We both agreed it was a great time.  We had some good conversations as well.  And no arguments!  woohoo!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 16, 2020, 02:51:35 AM
Very pleased to hear that Metal! Good for you!!


Hows your son doing
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 17, 2020, 07:43:43 PM
Day 52:
I missed yesterday's post.
Shade,  my son went to the doctor for a check up today.  The report was really good,  his bones were growing back faster than expected!  It was an answer to prayers!  It was nice to seem him happy this evening.  He's been pretty down for all this time since he broke his arm.
I've been pretty relaxed this week.  I'm feeling a bit of nerves about my kids schooling for next year though.  We are transitioning them out of homeschool and it's been quite a journey to find where they should go,  especially in this crazy year of 2020.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 18, 2020, 01:05:08 AM
Hey Metal,

Great to hear that your son's arm is resting faster than expected.
How are you doing amidst all the chaos of 2020, you're now at day 52. Great achievement. Keep it up!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 18, 2020, 07:20:04 PM
Day 53:
Busy day today.  Got to do some things with my wife today.  I enjoyed her company. 
Tomorrow the kids are going to tour their new potential schools.  I have a bit of nerves as they are intercity schools,  but we are going to maintain an open mind on it.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 19, 2020, 03:16:02 AM
Sounds like a nice, family centered day metal. Glad to hear your son is getting better.

Oh and great job on the 53 days!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 19, 2020, 09:48:22 PM
Day 54:
Just wanted to check in and say I’m still here.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 20, 2020, 07:16:04 PM
Day 55:
Feeling good today.  Waiting for my wife to get off work and hanging out at a local brewery.  Feeling thankful for my life today!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 20, 2020, 08:50:38 PM
Local brewery days are great! Especially so with the significant other to share it with. It's great to read of you two of you getting so much quality time in as of late. It seems that your efforts in recovery continue to pay off for the both of you. Great work metal!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 21, 2020, 04:25:20 AM
Hey Metal,

Pleased to read indeed that you, the wife and your family are doing well. What seems to be the change according to you? I've seen you mention that you really enjoy her company. What has changed?


Keep going my friend. I'm rooting for you
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 22, 2020, 09:22:05 PM
Day 56:
Shade,  I think she is just a really dynamic and awesome person.  She challenges me to think and can be hard on me sometimes but honestly that has pushed me to be a better person and to overcome my issues.
I'm also pleased to see that as our relationship improves she steps more into her element.  She is a natural leader,  thinks outside the box and is creative with solutions.  She is a community builder at heart,  but when she isn't feeling safe,  or feeling good she is more reclusive.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 23, 2020, 08:17:01 PM
Day 57:
Today was a good day.  I feel like I put in a good solid day of work,  and then checked a bunch of paperwork type stuff off my list.  We have good friends from out of town visiting this weekend  so I'm excited to see them.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on June 25, 2020, 05:08:43 AM
Sounds like another great day staying clean metal. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 25, 2020, 02:12:45 PM
Hey Metal,

sounds like you are in a good place right now! Keep it up my friend, i am rooting for you
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 25, 2020, 09:47:06 PM
Day 57:
Another day down.  Feeling pretty good.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 27, 2020, 05:10:31 PM
Good perspective. Sometimes one is just glad to end another day with success and sometimes days go by so quickly one can't make record of the progress.
Anyway, feeling good sounds good to me!
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on June 30, 2020, 07:51:50 PM
Im officially quarantined.  I had a beer with a friend a few days ago who later came down with covid.  He tested positive so I just got a call from the health department that I need to self quarantine for the next 14 days.  Im pretty bummed about that.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on July 01, 2020, 12:44:12 PM
It's still setting in about this required quarantine.  I feel like life is going full paced and I'm tripped over myself trying to stop mid-stride.  We have friends visiting that are planning on moving here,  and I basically negotiated a deal with a house near us.  It felt kinda weird to negotiate for someone else,  like maybe I wasn't driving a hard enough bargain,  or maybe working too slow?  It's just my own insecurities really,  I think they are thankful for it.  I'm excited to have old friends live near us,  and their kids have been good friends of our kids too. 
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on July 02, 2020, 11:00:30 PM
Another day in quarantine.  Just checking in.  Feeling fairly healthy so far.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 03, 2020, 02:46:51 AM
Hey Metal,

I know the feeling my friend. It sucks ass.. And normaly 14 days is not a long time, but in quarantine it is. I hope that you will not come down with COVID and that you and your family will stay safe and healthy.

Does the fact that you are now 100% at home pose any new risks for relapsing? And if so, have you thought of strategies to deal with that?


Good luck and stay safe. I'm rooting for you
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on July 04, 2020, 02:22:56 AM
Hi Metal, sorry to hear of your recent difficulties with being confined to home quarantine. It must be tricky being in a situation where boredom and the stress of COVID is ever present. I'm sure you have already but if you haven't, do make sure to thing of things that can occupy you throughout these times.

Wishing you and your family all the best wishes & good health.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on July 04, 2020, 09:59:28 AM
Hey metal22,

Sorry to hear that, on the other hand, 14 days will pass quickly.
How are you holding up?

You did quite a favor to your friends, also in showing your excitement of their move near to you. In those situations i'll tell myself that i can't expect anything from them, because this could lead into a circle of expectations and frustrations. I'm quite sure they are really thankful for your job, even when people sometimes can't show because of their stressful lifes. Anyway, this wasn't your job and if they aren't pleased, remind yourself that it wouldn't have been your job in the first place, no insecurity needed.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on July 07, 2020, 09:43:20 AM
We’re nearing  the end of the quarantine.  I think I’m ready to have my old life back.  Things are pretty good.  Our friends have headed home but have made an offer on a place near us,  so things are moving forward there.  They have a date set to move here at the end of the month,  but somehow I expect it might be a month later than they project.  Things feel so unstable in this country that making plans feels weird.
Finally finished painting the outside of my house.  My wife and I have been putzing away at it,  but with this forced stop we just got it done.  Feels good to have it done,  and the house sure looks better( the old paint was peeling all over the place).
Ever since I’ve been out here I have been doing things for others.  I guess I’ve felt it was a calling.  Ive spent a great deal of time and energy on community building (or how my wife affectionately calls “fixing the town” lol).  But I’ve struggled to find the balance,  of helping others,  but not at the expense of my family.  Our friends are moving here under a same sort of pretense. 
I have to admit though I quite nervous about it.  My wife and I have ran a biz with just the two of us for about 7 years,  with 7 years worth of habits to go with it.  I know I take a lot of things for granted,  yet I don’t know exactly what they are.  I guess I’ll be learning.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: metal22 on July 09, 2020, 07:10:15 PM
4 hours left on my quarantine,  not that I'm counting!  I'm excited to be able to do things outside my house again.  My wife has said that this experience has made her want to be much more careful,  and I'm in agreement with that.  I think for 2020 we need to really come to terms with this other reality of isolation.  It makes me very thankful for my family,  as I can't imagine doing this alone.
Title: Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
Post by: Orbiter on July 09, 2020, 10:22:32 PM
By my calculations, that means that as I post this, you'll be almost there metal! It's good to have company and support through these times of isolation and uncertainty. Though company and support from others can only be given to us when we open ourselves to it so kudos to you for continuing to do so. From the way you write of it, it sounds like you and your wife have become much closer through the hardships and events of the last few months yes?