Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: ShadeTrenicin on December 23, 2019, 04:39:17 AM

Title: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 23, 2019, 04:39:17 AM
Hi everybody,

This is my first post as part of a journal I want to keep here.
I'm a Dutch guy, in his mid-thirties and I am addicted to porn, specifically webcamporn.

Last week I finally told my wife, who thought I've stopped doing it since 8 years ago. But in truth I was addicted. It took me a long time to accept this part of myself, but now that I have accepted it, all the symptoms are recognizable to me. The tricky thing is that I've had this addiction for almost 18 years. I've had internet(and so porn) access since I was around 13, but, when I was around 17/18 I discovered Webcam sex through MSN (ohh the good old days). Which was wat really hooked me.

It became an obsession. It was easy for me. I had a lot of insecurities from when I was young and bullied, so a low self esteem was easy pickings for the Webcam sex addiction. It felt good to get my confidence boosted through meaningless Webcam sex. So I became a hunter; multiple accounts, adding girls by the masses, from chat boxes or wherever. And meanwhile I had gotten an actual girlfriend. But because of all the hunting the actual goal of sex (meaningful and mutual connection and satisfaction) was lost to me. I was disconnected, did not give her the attention that she needed, did not put any effort in wooing her. I was approaching it as I was approaching me hunt; without emotion, running on auto pilot, completely lost to what it actually means to have sex. With the webcamsex I could just do my thing and then stop the conversation. I had gotten my boost (at that point it wasn’t even the boost in confidence anymore, but a compulsory need to finish a hunt).

But then it all came out, my wife, then still girlfriend, found out and we had huge fights about it. And god she was so forgiving. But me, stupid me, so disconnected from my emotions, stuffed al my insecurities away so deep that I couldn’t really let her in with the effect that I continued my addiction… So the years passed, MSN changed to chatrooms, streaming sites, and now random chat sites.. The hunt wasn’t enough anymore, I started watching porn in parallel to hunting on those random webcam chat sites.. And in between I still did not have a connection with my wife, the sex went terrible because I didn’t open myself, but she kept trying and trying and fighting and fighting.

So I could go on like this for PAGES, of me lying to cover up my addiction (which I only started acklowleging as an addiction since 1 week ago), my wife fighting like crazy for our marriage and me not letting her in.

The bottom line is; I am an addict.  I fap on the toilet at work, I leave bed at night to fap, and the need for more extreme porn has also gotten me to the point that it disgusted me. (I think I can consider myself lucky that I didn’t develop PIED). I kept it hidden for 8 years from my wife. I did not put in any effort to improve things in our sex life to the point that we stopped having sex. I wrecked my marriage.

And despite of all that, she forgave me. She actually forgave me. I have no idea why or how, but she is so full of love and understanding to a point that I think that I don’t deserve her, and that there are plenty of other men out there who will give her the attention and effort. But, she still choses to be with me (although I shouldn’t push it further of course).

And although she is so forgiving and full of love, I broke her, I wrecked her completely, worn her down to the point of having no more desire to live..  And that is unforgivable to me..

That’s why ( a little late, I know) im writing this right now on this forum; NO MORE! I stopped watchin porn about 10 days ago and stopped fapping 9 days ago. I’ve deleted all useless apps from my phone (9gag, snapchat, everything that wastes time) and I’ve installed a good blocker. I started reading on here, bought the book Your brain on porn and watched some youtube videos about porn addiction.

So the beginning is here.

What I want to focus on now is to keep rebooting. I also want to learn to love myself (because that’s what made me love the attention of webcamsex, the confirmation of me being worth it). Not loving myself also made me believe that I am not worthy of love, which in its own turn made me close my heart to my wife and thus preventing me from growing emotionally. Now I want to connect to my wife again, let her in, truly appreciate her for the beautiful person she is and also have an eye for her needs and emotions and eventually give her the attention and affection she needs so that I can please her again.

Thank you guys for reading, I will try to keep a nice progress report every once in a while and be involde in the forum, reading your stories, tips tricks and success stories.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 23, 2019, 02:59:50 PM
Update, up until I wrote my introductionary post I had yet to have a withdrawal symptomn. But today on the train back from work I experienced the first cravings to look at porn. The funny thing is that the trigger cam from reading in the book your brain on porn  :o

Anyway, I managed to control it and discussed it with my wife.

I am really curious how my desires / urges will out themselves.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: JordanJCaron on December 26, 2019, 03:53:51 PM
Great for you for control it! Your story resonates with me as we're close to same age.

Although it had come out in my relationship that I watched porn, I still felt shame from it and lied about the fact that after sex I would watch a quick clip of porn to finish myself off. It wasn't until we had serious problems that we both knew this was a porn addiction. Like your partner mine was so supportive and forgiving. I didn't realize how hard it would be to overcome as in any addiction and I didn't make the changes  while we were together and just now it's all sunk in and I am making the changes to overcome it.

I look forward to following you and your journey!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: stepbystep on December 27, 2019, 12:08:47 AM
Good job on being accountable. You did the hardest thing, which is to be honest and tell someone about it. Hang in there and keep strong!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 27, 2019, 06:44:14 AM
Thank you both for the encouragement, it means a lot.

So far, no flatline (yet) but since me and the wive don't have sex at the moment I tend to be really, really exited. A lot. I do feel the change;my fantasies are changing from jst wanting to bend someone over a chair to wanting to do the foreplay, the bonding, connecting. And funnily enough my wife is now the center of my (uncontrollable) fantasies.

Of course I do also feel the withdrawal symptoms. Urges to grab my phone, flee to the shower and look up that which disgusts me(the P I used to watch but is not my sexual preference) .. So I just leavey phone with my wife when I shower.

So far it is battling urges mostly, but I'm going on strong. This is day 13!!!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Wolfman on December 28, 2019, 09:07:45 AM
Awesome work ShadeTrenicin! It's great you've taken the step to write a journal and educate yourself about this stuff: you become the master of your sexuality, not it of you! Communicating with your wife is very important, I think. You may want to set yourself some specific goals to help yourself along. What do you want to ultimately achieve? How will you get there? Will you do a set amount of days reboot? A reboot hard-mode (meaning no sex in addition to no PMO)? Think about what would work best for you according to the ultimate goal. I wish you plenty of strength on this journey.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 29, 2019, 04:38:19 AM
Well, this is just a post to quench the urges.

I woke up after a really weird erotic dream. I noticed that I sort of fantasized a downplayed scenario of my addiction that slowly crept towards the thing I did.. VERY SNEAKY! So then I just started playing a stupid game.. But the urges were still there... Since were both in bed I hugged my wife in an effort to seekove and distraction. But it does not help that if you are super horny that you hug your wife so I only became more horny..

So now a post which I feel is a good relief from the urges

Thanks for the support Wolfman,


There is a plan actually. I've set my no fap no porn period to the first of February. The wife and I have put a stopper on sex for the moment since that didn't went well because of my addiction.

Day 15 and keeping strong.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 29, 2019, 07:20:09 AM
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world, my beautiful wife.

I'm glad that we talked about it because next to my personal struggle with the addiction my wife has had an enormous blow to her trust, ego and self image (not being good enough) and she has her own really difficult progress ahead of her in terms of forgiving me, working through the pain of rejection and all the influence the addiction has had on Our sex life.
.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: jcwright on December 30, 2019, 07:41:45 AM
Keep it up. It's worth it. Amazing benefits. Trust me. You are on the right track.
Another thing: You have an amazing wife. Most women would walk away
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on December 30, 2019, 08:53:35 AM
Thank you j Wright! For the encouragement and the credit to my wife. She truly is amazing indeed.

So today I started doing push-ups whenever I'm urging.

Did also pee out a kidney stone which did put the mood down for quite some time  ;D
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 01, 2020, 04:37:44 AM
Day 18 = day 0.

Woke up after an almost wet dream and couldn't ld resist. No P, only fantasy.

I felt bad, but not to bad. I'll just start over.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: JordanJCaron on January 01, 2020, 04:51:55 PM
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world, my beautiful wife.

I'm glad that we talked about it because next to my personal struggle with the addiction my wife has had an enormous blow to her trust, ego and self image (not being good enough) and she has her own really difficult progress ahead of her in terms of forgiving me, working through the pain of rejection and all the influence the addiction has had on Our sex life.
.

Wow this rings so true with things I had said to my ex. We've chatted a little bit about this as I have been telling her what I am doing to get over this. You have to forgive yourself and she has to forgive you which is hard. Being honest and continuing to have conversations is a great way. Hope you can rebuild that trust and connection so that you have a great sex life with her!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 03, 2020, 07:19:05 AM
Day 20 no porn = day 2 no fap

Due to my M two days ago I notice that a lot of urge is gone. I feel good about my self though. Less flashes to P. I'm confident to keep going. I have a strong tendency to work through things with my wife. I want to leave this part of me behind.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 06, 2020, 09:54:58 AM
Day 23 no porn, day 5 no fap.

I had a small victory today. While at work I noticed a trigger, but when I thought about PMO-ing I felt like I didn't need it. The actual thought of me pursuing my usual rhythm(which used to be a huge trigger for me) actually got overtaken by the thought that I don't need it.


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 09, 2020, 11:32:50 AM
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 09, 2020, 12:01:56 PM
Addition to day 15. Just had a lengthy talk wit my wife who is now in the phase of taking the situation and putting it on herself.

Over the past years my porn conditioning made me say some pretty dumb and untrue things about her appearance because of the issues that I had with myself. I was just projecting my inner struggles and issues. In stead of looking inwards to what moved me and what I really felt, I chose to hide that. That lead to me projecting my moods on others. Just because I was not content with myself I let others feel that I was not content with them. And in doing so hurting the person I love most in all the world,
Quote

Wow this rings so true with things I had said to my ex. We've chatted a little bit about this as I have been telling her what I am doing to get over this. You have to forgive yourself and she has to forgive you which is hard. Being honest and continuing to have conversations is a great way. Hope you can rebuild that trust and connection so that you have a great sex life with her!

Thanks man, appreciate the support
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Freddy on January 09, 2020, 01:38:42 PM
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum

Great progress, just remember what is important and what is waiting on "the other side".
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 10, 2020, 01:27:42 PM
Day 26 no P, day 8 no fap.

I'm noticing emotional flatness, irritability and self centeredness..  I have no idea if this is due to rebooting or trying Ritalin after I've stopped for a couple of weeks.

Had a huge fight with the wife about it. What I did notice is that normally my emotions or feelings of fucking it up would trigger an even more self centered response; namely Porn. But now I noticed that I wanted to improve myself to be of benefit to the relationship.

There are of course still urges, but so far I have kept them under control with the use of push-ups and cold showers.

Will try to be more active on the forum

Great progress, just remember what is important and what is waiting on "the other side".

Thanks Freddy..


Today is the first day i had to actively stop myself from PMO-ing. The wife is out to dinner with some friends and I am home alone. This was my walhalla for PMO-ing. All the time for myself, no-one to disturb me. I had about a hundreg triggers and I was actually already all settled in to commit the act. But when i opened the incognite mode I loudly said to myself; 'What the actual f*cking fuck' am i doing????????'

So i quickly closed the window and started cooking. Dinner is now on the stove and i am horny as HELL! but i will quietly eat my dinner, do a lot of pushups and some other non computer related activities

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on January 10, 2020, 05:25:35 PM
Great job Shade! You've got a lot of strength to resist in a situation like that. Each time you do, those pathways in the brain will become gradually weaker and weaker so keep it up.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 11, 2020, 04:28:22 AM
Thanks Orbiter, I actually managed to not PMO all evening.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 11, 2020, 01:39:16 PM
I am so cranky right now.. Everything has to hear my cranky opinion. The furniture, the cats, everything is stupid. Except my wife. She is awesome, always! Therefore i'm trying not to piss her off. I've succeeded so far.

Other than me not PMO-ing I've just realised that I've been quiting a lot of things at once; porn, masturbation, coffee, Ritalin, and i've gone vegan.

So that's why I've decided to stick to the things that really matter to me so coffee is reintroduced again  8) I'll re-evaluate that in a couple of months.

So far the counter is at:
28 days no porn (4 whole weeks YES!)
10 days no fap
4 weeks no ritalin
8 days vegan...

For this forum i'll just focus on the PMO ;D

in total, i've jst finished the book Your brain on porn for the first time and i've been reading, and sometimes commenting, on the forum a lot. Both have really helped me thusfar in my quest for no PMO. So just a thank you guys!!!!!

I'm very positive to keep going, and writing this post has actually made the cranky-ness go away!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 17, 2020, 11:00:08 AM
Day 34 no P, 16 no fap.

Going strong. Urges are there but in control. Need to post more and comment more. The commitment and engagement really helps
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 20, 2020, 12:14:33 PM
Day 37 no porn, day 19 no fap.
Ohhh the urges are back again. And they play mind tricks. I'm triggered very quickly today. Luckily I'm in the train now and the wife is waiting at home. I've got a couple of busy days ahead of me, so that is great. At home I'll do some pushups and plank exercises. (doing them in the train seems a bit 2 much  :o)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 21, 2020, 03:27:01 AM
So day 38 no porn.. Day 0 no fap..

I had a wet dream last night... and this morning while I was home alone for a brief moment, I flapped again.. No porn just fantasy.... But fuck, why is it so difficult to control myself... You say that you don't want it, but your mind plays tricks on you..
I'm actually kinda bummed out by this...


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on January 21, 2020, 07:05:16 AM
Try not to get too down on yourself. Those negative thought patterns lead right to relapse and 38 days no porn is nothing to feel down about or be dissapointed with. Let it be for today, wake up rested tomorrow and get things back on track then.

You've got this man.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 21, 2020, 10:49:40 AM
Thanks Orbiter, that helps!!

Already forgiven myself and talked about it with the missus. I've noticed that, like you Orbiter, being tired is a weak spot for me. And last night while I've been awake in bed I was fighting a battle with myself until 2:00
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Freddy on January 28, 2020, 01:20:04 PM
So, how are things going? Don´t forget about us over here, we are also trying to keep track on your progress and you on track.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: akpal2 on January 28, 2020, 08:48:05 PM
very inspirational journal. I have had periodic relapses but I am trying to once again quit. I had just opened pornhub, but closed it immediately and came to this site.

I am so sick of this PMO shit. I want to quit again. Starting the timer from today.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 30, 2020, 02:37:04 AM
So, how are things going? Don´t forget about us over here, we are also trying to keep track on your progress and you on track.

Hye Freddy,

Thanks for checking up on me.   I was actually doigg quite well until last night. My first relapse.  Mild PMO on my phone... It sucks en it made me loose sleep. I'm now analysing my feeling and looking on how to approach this and forgiving myself.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 30, 2020, 08:35:28 AM
So, a counter reset is in place. Day 1. I've forgiven myself. But I've yet to tell it to thethe wife. And I'm dreading that. I feel like I've let her down and that I'm not fighting hard enough against this stupid addiction.

But, honesty and openness are the only way in this. And she's proven to be so forgiving. So I'll tell her of course
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Freddy on January 30, 2020, 09:44:41 AM
So, a counter reset is in place. Day 1. I've forgiven myself. But I've yet to tell it to thethe wife. And I'm dreading that. I feel like I've let her down and that I'm not fighting hard enough against this stupid addiction.

But, honesty and openness are the only way in this. And she's proven to be so forgiving. So I'll tell her of course

Good for you. Perhaps give some thought to how you van avoid relapsing or what is triggering you?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: akpal2 on January 30, 2020, 10:11:18 AM
So, a counter reset is in place. Day 1. I've forgiven myself. But I've yet to tell it to thethe wife. And I'm dreading that. I feel like I've let her down and that I'm not fighting hard enough against this stupid addiction.

But, honesty and openness are the only way in this. And she's proven to be so forgiving. So I'll tell her of course

Good for you. Perhaps give some thought to how you van avoid relapsing or what is triggering you?


Yes, good point from freddy. Do you know what your triggers are?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 30, 2020, 11:58:59 AM
Hi guys, I couldn't sleep. And that's usually when I got out of bed to do so. Other than that I was already fatigued. And my phone besides my bed is a major thing as well. So tonight some exercise, a warm shower before bed and ttje phone outside eof my room. And if I cannot sleep I will do some meditation.

Also: I kinda made a beginners mistake. I thought I was doing well, so I dropped my focus and my attention. That's actually a major influence. I let my focus slip on this one. And my sneaky mind then downplays everything. It is really important that I always remember that you don't just quit in 40 days and that it is not to be underestimated.

Thanks guys for thinking along with me. Much appreciated
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Freddy on January 30, 2020, 01:02:07 PM
So, next time you wake up and cannot sleep, what will you do then?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Georgos on January 30, 2020, 01:12:23 PM
Bosphorus, the start of Indo-China, the Persian Gulf, a token of solar energy that flies in the mouth of the black hole, rapist from another world, not earth, not even a star, but an unfathomable centre of ether that transmits hate to the tape of Nile. A space ship, round like a seven headed torus, collecting believers before the end, those that stay are destined for the cross, the test of ownership, that all must give up eventually or die, I pity you, talking to ghosts, they are not ancestors but jinn, materialising their penises in the human slaves to conquer humanity and subdue them into respect, time to flee, to leave this world alone, and masturbate to the parasites that scream hieroglyphics are Chinese, except there is one difference, pork, forbidden in all cultures, for it tastes of human meat, it is not dirty, but sacrilegious, to try the Phairoahs sun, not even the Nubians will touch pork, as the master said, teach not for ye shall suffer the rathe of heaven, a multiheaded crow.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: akpal2 on January 30, 2020, 01:29:47 PM
Hi guys, I couldn't sleep. And that's usually when I got out of bed to do so. Other than that I was already fatigued. And my phone besides my bed is a major thing as well. So tonight some exercise, a warm shower before bed and ttje phone outside eof my room. And if I cannot sleep I will do some meditation.

Also: I kinda made a beginners mistake. I thought I was doing well, so I dropped my focus and my attention. That's actually a major influence. I let my focus slip on this one. And my sneaky mind then downplays everything. It is really important that I always remember that you don't just quit in 40 days and that it is not to be underestimated.

Thanks guys for thinking along with me. Much appreciated

I always sleep with the wifi off in case an important call comes in the night. Also need the alarm on the phone.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on January 30, 2020, 03:31:25 PM
So, next time you wake up and cannot sleep, what will you do then?

Just roll over, tell myself I respect and love myself and meditate on that.
I am worthy to respect my own boundaries and respect myself. Therefore I will act like I respect myself
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: malando on January 30, 2020, 11:02:31 PM
Bosphorus, the start of Indo-China, the Persian Gulf, a token of solar energy that flies in the mouth of the black hole, rapist from another world, not earth, not even a star, but an unfathomable centre of ether that transmits hate to the tape of Nile. A space ship, round like a seven headed torus, collecting believers before the end, those that stay are destined for the cross, the test of ownership, that all must give up eventually or die, I pity you, talking to ghosts, they are not ancestors but jinn, materialising their penises in the human slaves to conquer humanity and subdue them into respect, time to flee, to leave this world alone, and masturbate to the parasites that scream hieroglyphics are Chinese, except there is one difference, pork, forbidden in all cultures, for it tastes of human meat, it is not dirty, but sacrilegious, to try the Phairoahs sun, not even the Nubians will touch pork, as the master said, teach not for ye shall suffer the rathe of heaven, a multiheaded crow.

Are you ok, Georgos?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Georgos on January 31, 2020, 05:00:52 AM
Shade, do you ever listen to music; I strongly recommend "Delights OF the Garden" by the Last Poets.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Wolfman on February 02, 2020, 08:46:42 AM
So, next time you wake up and cannot sleep, what will you do then?

Just roll over, tell myself I respect and love myself and meditate on that.
I am worthy to respect my own boundaries and respect myself. Therefore I will act like I respect myself

Maybe you should take this an opportunity? I mean, maybe you can do a special "I can't sleep" nightly activity. The world around you is asleep, so there's lots of peace around you. Maybe you can do some flexibility stretching, read a book (novel or something else), write letters to yourself (the "Nightly Series"?), do a nightly run or walk. You may even try googling "what to do during night?". Don't beat yourself up too much about it, accept the situation as part of your reality and look for ways you can make it work for you. Hope you're doing otherwise well ShadeTrenicin! Hang in there buddy! Stay strong!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 03, 2020, 11:39:47 AM
Hey Wolfmann, thank you for the great amount of possible activities to do at night. What we've done is that my phone is now, for the time being, placed at my wife's nightstand. I also have a nice book from Tara Brach at my nightstand and a journal to write in.


Thanks for the support.


Day 5 on hardmode
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 04, 2020, 05:25:07 AM
Day 6 on hard mode.

So far so good. I feel like im back on the right track again. Also, the other things that have changed for me are paying off and bring improvement with them.

Stopping Ritalin was something i always thought to be impossible. But, after a prolongued period without i can safely say that i CAN function without it at work.
I've been taking it since i was 16 and i don't know any better. The first few weeks were very difficult. But I feel that my brain is now used to living without it.
Ok, so my concentration isn't the best. But i am actually managing quite well. This has been a real good boost to my confidence and self worth.

Switching to a vegan diet has also brought me a lot (unexpectedly). Although i really REALLY miss cheese, i find that i have more energy, am less bloated and also starting to loose some weight.
And all that while i'm eating a lot more than before. The added energy does help with battling the addiction.

With the wife it is going very turbulent. Due to the confession and my change in approaching problems we're working through 16 years of issues. So there is a lot to discuss.
She's so sweet and understanding, but understandibly she sometimes is also very angry and/or depressed. This was to be expected and i am glad that lately I am finaly able to openly communicate with her.
This really helps to not let discussions escalate.

Right now my focus on battling and prevention wrt the addiction was not 100% yet. We had a huge fight about it, since she was the one that was trying to make sure I did not fall into my own traps.
So now im refocussed and fully committed. But sadly it took quite a toll on my wife. So that's my focus for now.
PMO prevention and marriage saving.

But, in all honesty I can say that im glad and happy to (finally) do it. It is WAY overdue and probably on the edge of too late. But it's happening.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 06, 2020, 03:34:04 PM
So, today is just a check in a spart of being more engaged and committed. Day 8 on hard mode. This is when the physical AND mental urges combine forces to form the urge overlord to try and persuade me to relapse.

But not this time Mister!

I've been busy all day at work,  with the wife and helping a friend. Tomorrow I've a day off, but I'm going to spend it with the wife and I will have dinner at my mother and later that evening a friend is coming over and spending the night. The rest of the weekend is pretty packed with nice activities as well so I'm pretty covered in the not being alone department.

All in all I'm feeling positive and positive towards myself. I do notice the urges and also how I'm so used to them that sometimes I forget that they are there. That is one of my weak spots. They feel natural to me. And, I think that is something that I really have to be weary off.

But for now day 8 is almost over. I'm ready for day 9

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: CB on February 07, 2020, 10:42:19 AM
Congrats on your 8 day streak! Great work man! Yeah it’s a wonderful feeling, not have to feel shameful or like one is hiding something. It’s the best feeling in the world! Embrace it! Sounds like a great weekend coming up, enjoy it!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 10, 2020, 08:52:07 AM
Day 12 and counting. Urge wise, the worst days are over for now. But in a week I will be in uncharted territory again. Need to keep myself alert and wakeful for possible triggers and traps.

Had a great great weekend. A lot of fun activities and a great time with the missus. We both really needed that. Sex is still off the table for now since we want to take it slow and make sure that I've bested this darned addiction. That is really REALLY difficult because she is so damn fine. But, it's also worth the wait. I'm soing this for the long run.

Goigg strong!!!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: CB on February 12, 2020, 03:40:18 PM
Great job! What is happening that will put you more at risk?

Yeah sex is recommended to keep away from for a little while. Let your head get some rest from it. I know it is hard, triggers are many and it’s easy to fall back down. Just keep telling yourself about the consequences of using pmo, and it will help. Write them down on a paper if it gets bad at some point, I have and it helps to get some perspective. But that little devil in our minds have a way of getting quite big fast.

keep on going, you’re doing great!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 14, 2020, 01:48:36 PM
Thanks CB!

What happens that us risky that when it feels less difficult, I will let my guard down. That is my absolute number 1 downfall.

But I am already prepared for the whole week ahead!!.

So far it's day 16 on hard mode and keeping on going strong. I feel like I have control again and that makes me feel empowered and motivated.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Freddy on February 18, 2020, 01:22:53 PM
How is it going, day 20?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 20, 2020, 02:38:33 AM
Hey Freddy, thanks for checking in. So far so good, day 24!!!! The urges were strong, but I resisted. At home things are quieting down, which is great. Just one more week...
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on February 22, 2020, 04:56:13 AM
Day 26, so far so good. Horny as hell but I'm resisting... Just one more week!! ¡
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on March 03, 2020, 11:51:45 AM
So an update is long overdue.

I've made the initial challenge. Yeah. But now to keep going, that is the hard part.
I've noticed that the urges have gone more silent but are now aiming for the old automatic pilot mode. I've almost given in a couple of times. But luckily I didn't.

I've noticed that I've been absent both on here as wel as in my mind with regards to the addiction and that is not a good thing. I'm giving myself an extra 2 weeks of no masturbating just to get my thoughts in the right direction. I feel that I am not there yet.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: CB on March 04, 2020, 03:05:51 PM
Good to hear you have been keeping yourself from relapsing. That’s really good, it is definitely a boost  just knowing you haven’t given in to it. Just keep going you will make it.
We are all here to help each other, it is a long way to getting free and it is not easy at all. The easiest part is just letting go and falling back down to that ”best feeling in the world”.

But it is consuming us too, it’s so easy to fall down that spiral. But it has a price, and I don’t think anyone wants this to lead to really bad stuff, as for some people. I don’t want that and I’m sure you don’t want that. Keep hanging in there, the cravings are bad sometimes but they tend to go away if we don’t reason with the addicted self. And they go away faster for each day, some days feel like your stuck at page one again, but it will go away. It’s all part of recovery.

Hope you’re doing better.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 16, 2020, 04:52:01 AM
Hey Shade,

Sometimes I think that initial period is the easiest part. It's the part after the eureka moment and the rush of self-confidence and motivation that comes with that initial decision to making an improvement that could change our lives. Maintaining it is far harder and the rewards are not always immediately tangible. You will make it though, just keep going and don't give up no matter what. Every day is a victory.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Wolfman on March 16, 2020, 01:12:34 PM
Awesome stuff Shade! Milestones can be really helpful, but also make sure to set the next as you progress. I hope things are working out for the better and that you're discovering a better self of yourself in the challenge and its overcoming.

Take care of yourself, and others, brother.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 10, 2020, 04:21:07 PM
Hi guys, here I am again. All is still going well, but I'm still struggling. I will write a more extisive story later.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 11, 2020, 09:51:03 AM
Hi Guys,

After i've hit my target i've actually let the forum slip! And i've also noticed that a while back, the site was offline alot for some weird reason.

Anyway i'm back again and i want to give an update on how I'm doing and where i'm at. Also i am very interested in you guys.

For me it has been okay. No full relapses. Only some MO's. But i've noticed that i want to MO a lot. And yesterday i've actually did it to hard (deathgrip) and bruised myself... That for me was a wake up call to get my full attention back to my addiction. I've been letting it slip way to much and that's very dangerous for me. Weirdly and luckily i've not relapsed, but I have been struggling against it.

I can imagine that for a lot of you guys, this corona virus is a very difficult thing since a lot of us are forced to work from home. Myself included. My office is on the third floor of our house, nice and secluded. But, i did make sure that counter measures are in place. I've got a home trainer and my weight sets there as well so i've been working out like crazy haha. This helps me when I feel urges.

Other than that the wife an I are doing fine. She has been and still is very supportive of me with my addiction and she makes it very clear that I can talk to her about it. For me it is still difficult to open up about it, but I've noticed that slowly but surely i'm getting used to it. This makes it easier. Still no sexy time between us, but that was a mutual decision. We've been building on our relationship a lot and we're making good progress. But all progress comes with ups and downs.

I'm very positive and grateful and i will start posting here much more regularly again

Cheers!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 12, 2020, 07:19:15 AM
Hi Guys,

I forgot to mention that yesterday (or the day before yesterday actually was a counter reset for a new hard mode period.. 4 weeks) So today i'm at day 2.
Everything going well, still a bit confumbled from the fact that i actually yanked it to hard.. Anyway, i've been reading up a lot and i've noticed that a lot of the ppl that were posting at the same time as me have already stopped posting. I'm curious how they are.

But back to me. The weather here is fantastic, and it sucks since we kinda cannot not go outside. SO i've been trying to clean up the garden and roof terrace, so we can sit in the sun!!! I've yet to have urges since it's only been two days and i'm caring for the wife since she has corona (only mild sypmtoms luckily). Anyway. the struggle will begin once i start working again on tuesday. But im feeling strong and starting posting on here actually helps me to reach my goal i've noticed. By doing so i've forced myself to talk about the things that normally just float in my head, but now i actually put those feelings to words and that helps!!!

Bye, bye
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 14, 2020, 03:49:08 AM
Hi Shade,
Just a note to say how encouraged I am reading your story and to congratulate you on your progress so far - particularly the manner in which you've reflected on the impact of previous behaviour on your wife, taken her into your confidence, and are tackling the journey together. You can't change the past, and only have the present moment to determine the future - the fact that you are making wise choices in the present moment and with awareness of your triggers and emotions is really great and an inspiration.
I agree with you that things are quiet on here - I only joined up a week or two ago, and am normally in the 40+ group. Things are very quiet there so I thought I'd come and look at what the 30somethings are doing! I've been discussing how quiet things are with a few guys and there seems to be a consensus that it's lockdown related - maybe people don't have the private time to get a quiet moment and journal on here (with others in the house). At the same time hopefully this means they don't have the private time to PMO also - perhaps the lockdown may help as one big reboot for some - that was certainly my plan when I came here.

Wishing you much luck in your continued journey (also nice to have a fellow European here!).
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 14, 2020, 04:30:21 PM
Hey UKGuy, thanks for the loving words! It means a great deal to me, it really does!

And i do also think that is is lockdown related. I just hope that all the people on here that live alone won't have an even more difficult time. It is after all a time of stress and uncertainty and therefore a time at which the addiction is even more dangerous.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 16, 2020, 04:42:43 AM
Update,

Today i got some urges so I immediately went to hit the weights and do some planking exercises. That helped a lot. Other than that I'm missing the previous interaction on this forum from before. It is one of the things that I loved about this forum. But this forum never dissapoints because other new people started responding. Yay for this community
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 17, 2020, 02:52:32 AM
Well done Shade - great to hear. We should have a reboot nation planking time challenge! Have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: CB on April 18, 2020, 01:33:22 AM
It’s great to hear that you as me are still on track! Great job Shade! Yep these Coronavirus times makes it more difficult for us addicts, it’s really easy to wander off in my head (thinking about sex/p) because of the worry or being in quarantine.
It’s really good to hear that you’ve opened up more with your partner about the addiction. It is not easy, I know the shame is like thousand tons of stones on your back. It makes it so much easier when you can talk about it. My gf knows about me too, and it makes it easier, and I don’t want to let her down, and I can see more and more clearly about why I shouldn’t let myself down as well.

Your’re doing great!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: blueicetea10 on April 18, 2020, 07:13:26 AM
That's awesome exercise is a great way to blow of that steam! Awesome work  :D
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 19, 2020, 03:27:34 AM
Thanks for the support UKGuy, CB and blueice,

SO yesterday i wanst feeling myself so i MO'd in the shower.. No P. I don't rlly know why but i was in a fuck it all mood...
So today the counter has been reset to day 0. I'm not feeling bad about it, but i'm trying to understand what made me feel that way.

I also noticed that yesterday, for the first time in a long time, i've been gaming for quite some times (3-4 hours) and afterwards i had a similiar feeling after PMO-ing; brain fog and feeling disconnected from reality. It actually took me an hour and a walk outside to snap out of it. My wife also noticed it.
Somehow i wasnt enjoying gaming anymore (what is always the case when i do it for like an hour or so). So this is what most likely contributed to my MO-ing yesterday.

I've learned a powerful lesson, one that is already widely know i guess, and that is that gaming in itself is also very addictive and that it is not good to do when you're rebooting. So, this game which cleverly uses a leveling system that makes you chase, is now being shelved.



Today i've been up for a while now, been doing the laundry, clean the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher and looked at job oppurtunities.
This lookign for job opportunities is also a sign i've had addictive behaviour! It is looking for something better, more money, more vacation days etc.
It all stems from a deeper feeling that something is not right.

The question for me to answer right now is; what is missing inside of myself that makes me want to chase these superficial things.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 19, 2020, 04:40:44 AM
Addition, i feel that im also quite in a shitty mood today. I think i am bored, yet don't want to do anything. I dont want to deal with things. I just want to throw of any sense of responsibility and just wither away doing mindless stuff.

I noticed this when I thought about the things that i wanted to do today, I want to avoid all that and act like a child. It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly why that is and where it is coming from.I feel like not complying to anything. I'm acting like an irrational child and I want to at this moment.

On the positive side, im not thinking about P.. I just feel aggitated or better yet, frustrated.  Could it be that these feelings are the consequence of my gaming spree yesterday? I just want to feel usefull and do something productive, but this aggitation and brain fog. I simply cannot oversee it all. The wife is getting ready upstairs and i don't want her to come down because then i have to do the things we agreed to. Its not the wife i dont want to come down but the reality of doing the things we agreed to.

I think that this is it... I'm not feeling like myself and i feel like i am lacking something. So i want to feel like a good person and be productive. But the brainfog and trouble focussing, i'm letting those stop me. So i feel useless in some way and so I want to do something productive AND enter a circle.



Edit: The process of writing my feelins and thoughts down plus immediately talking with my wife about it has helped in such a way that over half of these feelings are not here anymore. I already feel better and relieved i've investigated and expressed these feelings! I have to remember this for future references!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 19, 2020, 05:46:33 AM
Hi Shade,

I really enjoy reading your posts - they are so thoughtful and full of positive intent. Just a few thoughts from me, in no particular order.....

1) Well done on not beating yourself up for a lapse. That resilience (getting back on the horse after a fall) is a great mid set to have.
2) I tend to agree with you about the gaming. I am not an avid gamer, but have got into playing Fortnite occasionally (a couple of times a week). I notice that it fires up the same parts of the brain that engaging in porn does. The feeling is milder, but it is still very similar. I've not decided how to deal with it - do I avoid it, or is it something that I can use as a diversion tactic when tempted to PMO? Whatever the answer, I think excessive gaming isn't probably a great idea, particularly for people that have compulsive/addictive tenancies.
3) Don't be too hard on yourself about being productive. It feels like you are taking on too many fights with yourself perhaps. Life is about the journey, not the destination. This moment is the only moment you have - the past is gone, the future yet to happen. Enjoy the moment and whatever activities you are doing - appreciate the fact that you had food to make the plates dirty, have a dishwasher to unload, that you are fit and able enough to do it, that you have a loving wife that appreciates your help in doing it. In my life I have learned that aiming for more, even if successful, usually results in aiming for more. Have a read of Eckhart Tolle if you have not already. Don't become a slave to your thoughts. Observe them. Don't judget them. You don't need to follow them. That realisation was a big help for me with my mental health generally. Practicing mindfulness helps me become more aware of the thoughts arising rather than blindly acting on them without awareness.
4) It's brilliant that you feel so positively about this forum - as you know, I feel exactly the same way. Even though I have only been active here 2 weeks, its feels like the 'missing ingredient' to help overcoming my addiction. It's really great to have guys like you to share the journey with - I feel so connected. Perhaps we can meet for a beer in NL or UK when the lockdown is over and celebrate our progress!
Take care, be strong, go and enjoy the day my friend!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 19, 2020, 06:04:54 AM
Hi Shade,

I really enjoy reading your posts - they are so thoughtful and full of positive intent. Just a few thoughts from me, in no particular order.....

1) Well done on not beating yourself up for a lapse. That resilience (getting back on the horse after a fall) is a great mid set to have.
2) I tend to agree with you about the gaming. I am not an avid gamer, but have got into playing Fortnite occasionally (a couple of times a week). I notice that it fires up the same parts of the brain that engaging in porn does. The feeling is milder, but it is still very similar. I've not decided how to deal with it - do I avoid it, or is it something that I can use as a diversion tactic when tempted to PMO? Whatever the answer, I think excessive gaming isn't probably a great idea, particularly for people that have compulsive/addictive tenancies.
3) Don't be too hard on yourself about being productive. It feels like you are taking on too many fights with yourself perhaps. Life is about the journey, not the destination. This moment is the only moment you have - the past is gone, the future yet to happen. Enjoy the moment and whatever activities you are doing - appreciate the fact that you had food to make the plates dirty, have a dishwasher to unload, that you are fit and able enough to do it, that you have a loving wife that appreciates your help in doing it. In my life I have learned that aiming for more, even if successful, usually results in aiming for more. Have a read of Eckhart Tolle if you have not already. Don't become a slave to your thoughts. Observe them. Don't judget them. You don't need to follow them. That realisation was a big help for me with my mental health generally. Practicing mindfulness helps me become more aware of the thoughts arising rather than blindly acting on them without awareness.
4) It's brilliant that you feel so positively about this forum - as you know, I feel exactly the same way. Even though I have only been active here 2 weeks, its feels like the 'missing ingredient' to help overcoming my addiction. It's really great to have guys like you to share the journey with - I feel so connected. Perhaps we can meet for a beer in NL or UK when the lockdown is over and celebrate our progress!
Take care, be strong, go and enjoy the day my friend!

Thanks UKGuy for being so supportive and active in following my progress.

Regarding the productiveness, you make a good point in enjoying life and i totally agree with it. Fun that you should mention Eckhart Tolle, the power of now is actually on the bookshelf. Havent started it tho, currently im reading a book by Tara Brach called Radical Compassion, i can totally recommend it. I've already been doing a lot of mindfulness and yes, it really really helps!
 
But the other side of enjoying life is that i do tend to enjoy life to much and not pick up on the things i want to get done. I also do postpone them because i have trouble creating a structure and having an overall view of what needs to be done. This is the ADHD in me (the adhd also makes me sensitive to addiction). On top of that, the continuous brain fog (which i've always linked to my ADHD) of the addiction makes/made it even more difficult.

So lately, since stopping the addiction, opening up about it and investigating where the feelins come from, i've actually gotten more grip on things and with that being able to handle things better. But on a day such as today i kinda relapse into old behaviour and that in itself can again lead to a P relapse.


ANyway, thanks for being so closely involved and having a beer is never a bad idea!

Cheers

Edit, after writing down my feelings, getting positive response and readin other progress reports i feel positive again.
I've immediately switched to use that positive energy so now i am creating new recipies to try out and afterwards ill go sit behind the piano and continue on my composition.

Thanks everyone
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 20, 2020, 01:24:57 AM
Hi Guys,

So yesterday was an emotional experience for me. I woke up and i felt calm. I was productive and calm. But, just before noon i got agitated and frustrated. My previous posts reflect it. I was having a shit day. It was one of those days that you think everything is working against you, like the world is trying to annoy you. While in fact it was myself who was annoying me and I became  so agitated about it that I got mad, frustrated and impatient. And because of that i got clumsy and unfocused, so nothing worked for me. I drove myself in an frustrated circle. I stubbed my toe, broke a cup, DAMN YOU WORLD, and then in the supermarket they didn't have courgettes (zucchini for some  ;) ) and I almost cried. I had tears in my eye. I went back home (the journey felt like a mountain pass in the Himalayas) and still a foul mood. There was one thing positive though, and that was that I knew what was going on. This made it possible to write my posts. Luckily i had the presence of mind to tell the wife what was going on so that she knows its just a relapse thing and not something else. She was supportive.

Later that evening i finally calmed down and in such a way that i got full on emotional, cried over the stupidest things and in doing so was able to let go of my frustration.

Today i still feel the effects of yesterday (or the day before yesterday in which i had the gaming spree). I am restless and I have strong urges. Haven't felt these urges for a while now. I've been pursuading and yet dissuading myself to give in / not give into these urges. I play out scenarios on the benefits and joy I will have and it takes a lot of effort to come up with counter arguments.
So I came on here and started reading succes stories, other progress reports and finally writing this post.

The urge now is much less strong. I've reminded myself of why I am doing this. But holy sh*t it's such a tricky situation that while only yesterday i was having an emotional breakdown due to a sort of relapse, my mind still things that i should go and jerk off to P.

So here I am, sitting behind my desk getting ready to start working and not doing something else.

Thank you forum, for being there when I needed it!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 20, 2020, 05:14:45 AM
So glad the clouds have cleared a little for you Shade, and well done on navigating your way through it. One of the things I have learned to remember is that moods, emotions and thoughts are ALWAYS temporary, and if you can just observe and be patient, they will pass. Thanks for the Tara Birch recommendation - I've read some of her stuff before and she's great. It seems we have similar interests and tastes, except for one thing....

I HATE COURGETTES!!!

Have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: blueicetea10 on April 22, 2020, 09:53:32 AM
You’re determination is incredible! I’ve definitely had days just like the ones you have described. Dishwater on the socks, stubbing my toe and crying for no reason. I hope they come and go for you.

On gaming, I decided to let it go and don’t miss it. Video games can be works of art, and endless entertainment, but like you described I always feel disconnected from reality after long sessions. Everything in moderation I guess.

I hope the rest of your week is blessed.

Rooting for you mate!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 23, 2020, 04:04:39 AM
Thanks BlueIcetea and UKGuy!

I came here because I had an urge (it has been a couple of days and im starting to get frisky) and messages like yours really help me to not cave! They always strengthen my resolve! So, thank you guys.

The last two days I've noticed an increase in my concentration, so working is luckily going much better. Although working from home is still not as productive. Well it is, but more for my house. Since i am also doing a lot of little fixes :)

I've also picked up another hobby; making electronic music. I've always been a fan and love to go to festivals. I also love playing the piano and am composing my first piece of music. And i've taken that love for composing and electronic music to making digital music. It's really f*cking difficult though.. The amount of technical knowledge of sound, physics and mastering that is required has left me with a newfound respect for producers.

So, fixing the house, working out, making music also helps me with urges; Putting the energy into doing that instead of that other over-glorified-non-fulfulling thing

The thread of Traveler32 has also helped me, as he has clearly written down his mental process. I've found it a great addition to my own process which now looks like this:

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.

Usually steps 1 to 5 help for me. But when the urge is realy physical or if i am tired/not concentrated i sometimes am not capable of doing 1 to 5, so I immediately go to 6. That helps to cool me down and do steps 1 - 5




Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 23, 2020, 04:43:58 AM
I like the way you have distilled the content of Traveler32's wisdom shade. I agree - it's a very simple and logical process. I have saved a copy of it on my phone for emergencies! Great to hear that you've got a new hobby. Boredom is such a powerful trigger for me, it's great to have things to throw yourself in to that are also relaxing at the same time. I'm not very musical - I do enjoy listening though and find that can really help my mood.

Good luck on observing those TEMPORARY urges and letting them drift away as you add another day to your success! 

Have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 26, 2020, 01:56:20 AM
So yesterday has been an amazingly productive day. I've re-noticed that when I'm not sitting behind my desk with a laptop with a webcam i have zero urges. Maybe a quick thought here or there, but nothing serious. The main trigger still is (and I think always will be) is for me to be alone sitting behind a computer.

Luckily my wife, who is recovering, will join me in our attic-office for a couple of hours every day to try and pick up working again. That would be great trigger remover and will automatically make it easier for me. But, the trick in the end of course is to have the trigger decrease! But that is just part of rebooting i guess. I've had a routine of 18 years of making sure i was alone, sit behind the computer and do my thing. So, that's half my life being conditioned.

Today (and tomorrow also, since it's a national holiday) will also be me doing some work around the house. I've started on finishing some details on the first floor of our house and, due to the nice weather, i've also started on rebuilding the roofterrace on the annex of our house. This kind of work is really satisfying and rewarding and it really is great for my self worth and general mood.

I will keep this up the coming two days

Cheers guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 26, 2020, 04:44:27 AM
Hey Shade - well done, that's great progress. It's funny - I always used to hide myself away with the laptop/phone and PMO, now I hide myself away and come on here (much better use of time!). Has your wife been ill? Glad to hear she is getting better. Good luck with the roof terrace. Take care.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 26, 2020, 02:52:35 PM
Hey UKGuy,

Yes, my wife is recovering (or still sick) from COVID sadly. Luckily she wasn't hospitalized. But its been three full weeks now.
I've spend around 7 hours building the roof terrace and holy sh*t do i feel satisfied.

With myself, with the result.

I am amazed what I can accomplish if i put my mind on something and not waste all that energy on PMO. This does lead me to look back with a feeling of guilt and regret. Imagine all the things that I could have accomplished.. They say it takes 10000 hours to master something.. I guess I am a master at looking at Porn, but damn.. If you think about it that way.

It's funny. I've always looked up to people that had it all 'going on' like working, fix up a house, doing hobbies, having a very active social life..
And I always sort of known that i was wasting away my hours on PMO. But now, when actually not PMO-ing this hits me in the face like a train.
But, I'll make it a motivational train, since the realization of what i'm capable of also motivates me. s

And also, I've never been one to look back with regret. What's done is done, you can't undo the things that have transpired. The only thing is how to deal with the lessons we learn from past actions.

In the past I didnt learn. Always fell for the same trap (that's addiction for ya). But that is now changing.

I'm starting to feel like a new man again. My confidence is slowly growing



Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 27, 2020, 03:11:33 AM
Morning Shade,
Love the 10,000 hours reference - makes me wonder what my hour counter is at? 6 hrs a week x 30 years x 52 weeks = 9,360hrs - I think I will stop now before I become a PMO master(bator)!
Agree also on the amount of time this creates. It's not just the saving of the actual tie PMOing, but also the time after PMO where I was tired, irritable, insomniac - you get all that back too!

I hope your wife is feeling back to full strength soon. Did you catch it do you think? Maybe mild symptoms?

PS: just realised that that 9,360hrs is over a year of solid PMOing- scary? Just thankful that I'm not going to waste another year in the second half of my life!

Take care my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Traveler32 on April 27, 2020, 07:00:30 AM
Shade,

Just read thru your thread.  You've made some great progress!  Well done on getting thru your tough day last week - doing that makes you stronger going forward.  You're completely right on letting the past be the past, and to learn from it instead of regretting it.  This is something I still struggle with myself from time to time.

I can say enough how pleased I am to hear that my post was so helpful to you and to UK.  That was one of my hopes when I wrote it.

That 10,000 hours thing as it relates to porn use is a pretty sobering thought.  It just goes to show that undoing those habits takes time and a whole lot of effort.  But it's so worth it. 

It's good to hear that your wife is doing better.  She sounds like an amazing woman.  I hope to find someone like that someday.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 28, 2020, 05:42:19 AM
Thanks for your replies UKGuy and Traveler32!


Today started out ok, but then I did our tax returns and turns out that we have to pay back quite a sum. This was unexpected for us.
Although it will not bring us in any financial trouble, I've noticed that I find it hard to get over this. I find it very difficult to just shake this emotion off.
Additionally I've noticed that all my motivation and concentration is gone. I'm trying to recover from it for an hour now. But I just let it set me back.
I have handed control to this emotion. Normally i would just give up, let go of all motivation and concentration and PMO.

For me this is a good realization on how my mind works again. I've always thought that I was an easy going guy that was level headed.. But things like this made me realize I am not. I can get so worked up on this kind of things and totally let it consume me. And by letting it consume me i give away my emotional control and increase the chances of PMO-ing.

That's it for now.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 28, 2020, 05:49:57 AM
Thanks for your replies UKGuy and Traveler32!


Today started out ok, but then I did our tax returns and turns out that we have to pay back quite a sum. This was unexpected for us.
Although it will not bring us in any financial trouble, I've noticed that I find it hard to get over this. I find it very difficult to just shake this emotion off.
Additionally I've noticed that all my motivation and concentration is gone. I'm trying to recover from it for an hour now. But I just let it set me back.
I have handed control to this emotion. Normally i would just give up, let go of all motivation and concentration and PMO.

For me this is a good realization on how my mind works again. I've always thought that I was an easy going guy that was level headed.. But things like this made me realize I am not. I can get so worked up on this kind of things and totally let it consume me. And by letting it consume me i give away my emotional control and increase the chances of PMO-ing. This is because i've spent a lot of energy in getting worked up in stead of doing the thing I should've been doing. And when I realize i've wasted so much time with getting worked up. I get into a F*ck it all mood.. and those are very dangerous

That's it for now.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 28, 2020, 06:29:43 AM
Well done on the realisation Shade. The reaction you describe to the tax situation is completely normal for most people, I would think. An hour is not long enough to process the facts, emotions, and work out implications and get perspective. The fact that you are able to quickly spot the risk to PMO great though. Good luck working through the practicalities, and great to know that this is just a 'bump in the road' and not likely to bring any financial trouble - try and cultivate some gratitude for that fact, and the negative emotions will lose their power. Cheers.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 28, 2020, 01:10:49 PM
Well, to summarize my day:





F*CK!




I relapsed.. late afternoon after the wife went downstairs.. Nothing to serious, and for as short while, but PMO'd nonetheless..
It left me with a feeling of remorse, emptiness, and no idea why I did it again.. Just can't. I remembered thinking, why the hell am I doing this.

But that little voice in my head..


Well, I've told the wife, she was understanding and we had a good talk..
The main trigger was, as expected, the financial setback, which triggered  my mood of being unmotivated and unconcentrated. That gave rise to a fuck it all mood and before i know it it already went to far.

The key trigger here was mental fatigue. And that is what im taking to tomorrow. I'll just contemplate tonight..

Tomorrow is day 0 and just pick up where I left off
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on April 28, 2020, 02:53:27 PM
ShadeTrenicin, don’t give up! You definitely didn’t loose all your progress.

I can relate. Stress, financial and other, belongs to my frequent triggers. And once I am in the mood, it is like being on an autopilot. I am opening that browser window that I shouldn’t and I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t, but my body keeps going... that’s the addiction. It is not you. Let’s defeat it together!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 28, 2020, 04:18:53 PM
Hey Shade - just saw this. I’ll write more tomorrow but just wanted to echo KittyHawk’s comments, and let you know that we’re all here with you. (So true what you say about autopilot kittyhawk!)
Well done on your response to the slip, and be kind to yourself. This isn’t just back to day 0, but back to day 0 WITH the added benefit of new learning and therefore more insight and strength for the future. Take care and sleep well my friend. Tomorrow is a new day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 29, 2020, 02:39:00 AM
Hey Kittyhawk and UKGuy,

Thansk for the loving words! It really softens the blow.

Today is day 0. I'm still waking up a bit but i feel anew. I have a bunch of motivation to go for it again!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on April 29, 2020, 04:40:10 AM
I have just got back from my morning run and was thinking about you Shade and wondering how you were today. It's really pleasing to read that you are resolute and motivated! Have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Traveler32 on April 29, 2020, 06:50:29 AM
You got this, Shade.  Remember that sometimes you have to fail in order to succeed.  You've immediately identified what your triggers were in this case, so this has already been a moment that will benefit your long term success.  Give some thought to how you're going to deal with this trigger when it occurs in the future, and let us know what you come up with when you're ready.  We're all rooting for you here!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: CB on April 29, 2020, 11:15:45 AM
Your relapse is just a stepping stone, it is for all of us. Relapsing is part of it, so you can build even a stronger foundation against porn.

I’m sure you are going to get your head up and just keep on going. Be aware as you say about triggers, and try to distract yourself, the cravings are going to be there, just let it fade.

Just trying to give some encouraging thoughts your way.

Stay safe and stay free from porn.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on April 30, 2020, 02:16:18 PM
Thanks Traveler UKguy and CB.

This is exactly why i love this community! Your responses mean a lot to me guys, it really really helps!

Today was (is) day 2! Im going strong, did a bit of work but was WAY to distracted. So I worked on my roof terrace a bit as well and it is coming along very nicely. I'm very content with the progress!

No urges today, but that was somewhat to be expected, since the relapse and confession to my wife had a big impact on me. That always pushes the urge back for a couple of days!

All in all i've read a lot on this forum which helps a lot as well.

Thank you guys for just being there. It really helps!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 02, 2020, 04:38:59 AM
It is day 4 already! I woke up with a ton of energy and horny as hell! That means physical urges. Those are not the worst (yet) so i've repurposed the urges into cleaning the house! So far so good, i feel good energetic and motivated.

I do have a lot of fantasy flashes already. Sometimes i tend to go along with them. But most of the time i'll alow them for being there and thinking that they are temporary.

On another, more positive, note. After a long period of no sexy time, the wife and I feel more connected again and i feel something is brewing under the surface, the magic is slowly coming back.  This means that the reboot has had a great effect on me as a person since i am now more open and connected to my wife! Even though i had a relapse i have not fully gone back to my emotionally stunted place that i was in, before my reboot.

This only gives me an extra boost for going for it after my relapse 4 days ago!

I'm going strong once again!

Thanks guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: runksoneck on May 02, 2020, 09:48:06 AM
Hey, ShadeTreinicin

You are not alone, i will start to follow your journey!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 02, 2020, 10:12:07 AM
On another, more positive, note. After a long period of no sexy time, the wife and I feel more connected again and i feel something is brewing under the surface, the magic is slowly coming back.  This means that the reboot has had a great effect on me as a person since i am now more open and connected to my wife! Even though i had a relapse i have not fully gone back to my emotionally stunted place that i was in, before my reboot.

Great news Shade - I am really happy for you both. Well done, and enjoy the weekend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 03, 2020, 01:56:29 PM
Thanks UKguy!

Today is day 5 and i have no idea why, but I was completely without energy today. This was also the case yesterday evening. The wife and I had a minor disagreement over some chore, but the impact on our mental energy was massive. Somehow it felt like i hadn't slept for days.

Today this is still the case. I feel like my head is filled with clouds. Can't seem to find any energy. I ate a lot of nutricious things, but nothing seemed to help. I made a very heavy and nutricious meal and now i am so full that i can barely move. But the cloudy feeling in my head has subsided, partly at least.

The urges are coming back, physically at least. But i've kept busy today, building the roof terrace and doing all sorts of chores around the house. Also posting and reading on here.

My wife also made a post on here, you can find it in the 'Partners of addicts section' so feel free to read her side of the / our story!


That's it for now! Thanks for reading guys!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 03, 2020, 02:16:07 PM
Hi ShadeTrenicin,

Glad to hear you are still on the good path. We started our last streak about the same time and hopefully it will work out great for both of us.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 04, 2020, 02:32:14 AM
Thanks KittyHawk! I agree;  it will work out for both of us! We both just have to keep strong, keep fighting and accept that there are bumps in the road which will cause some delays or detours. All in all it is also a process of personal development. It's not just beating an addiction. I think that in order to beat your addiction, you must be 100% willing to critically look at yourself, your thought and your actions and face the consequences of them. So basically beating addiction is critically looking at your current self and compare it to a future self you want to be. When compared, the differences in personality gives directions on where to go, yet it does not show if and how many bumps there are on the road. That is something we'll have to tackle along the way

So last night was shit. I had neck pains, a raging mind and I couldn't sleep at all! I tossed(ba dumm tss) around in my bed for 90 minutes and then the urges came, fully automated. As 'learned' from earlier behaviours!  So a quick purely natural fantasy bases MO was done to attempt to induce some relaxation. This partly helped, i was physically more relaxed but my mind kept raging on. No negative thoughts but just a torrent of diverse thoughts. One of those thoughts was that I was content with myself for MO-ing with a non-P based fantasy!

After a while I couldn't take it and went out of bed to smoke some weed (not the best approach, i am well aware of that, but it is always effective).
-----------
So, about using drugs to avoid a certain feeling.

I'm not in favour of using substances to avoid or flee from certain situations or emotions. Better yet, i'm actually against it, since this exact behaviour is what can be a prelude to addiction. I used to PMO the same way; to get to sleep or flee from negative emotions. It's exactly the same.

From my point of view there are two ways to use substances; recreational and abuse.
In the first case one can use weed when with a group of friends, share a laugh and enjoy the collective feeling of being mellow and in the moment. In this situation the use of weed is incidental and only done in a social setting. The second situation is entirely different and not so easy to determine when use can be labeled abuse. But, for me the basic guideline in this is if you take it to feel quiet, relaxed because you are not able to do so without it, then it can quickly become abuse.

I am mainly the number one type of guy. Every few months or so, a group of friends/family will come over and we will take some weed and just listen to music, enjoy food and laugh a lot.
However, in times when I'm not feeling well (this was especially the case before me opening up about my addiction) I also used it after work or when I was agitated.
I've decided to stop doing this and only use weed when i'm in a good place.  This goes pretty well and 9 out of 10 times i wont use weed to escape or fall to sleep.

But sometimes I make an exception, like last night. And it has to do with a risk analysis. On the one hand taking weed is me fleeing; addictive behaviour and it will not force me to face what's really happening with me. But, the other side for me was that if i didn't take weed there was a high chance of me not falling asleep for hours and being a total trainwreck the next day. Me being a trainwreck can also be a catalyst for more destructive behaviour and a large change of destructive manners and possibly relapse.

So, did I use weed in an abusive manner; yes! Did the pro's outweigh the con's ? I think in this case it did.

But, i must face the hard reality that this weed use is also something that I need to address, addictional to why I couldnt sleep last night.

--------------
I went to bed again, after I ate a small snack and in bed I've noticed that the raging mind was now calmer but that there were also physical sensations of activeness, like a warm band around my head. In the end it still took me approximately 30 minutes to fall asleep...

No chaser effect as of yet...

Today is day 6 of hard mode
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 04, 2020, 05:35:33 AM
Morning Shade - did you choose the egg avatar whilst you were stoned?! ;-)

I think you seem to have a good framework of logic around when is productive/unproductive to use weed based on a good level of awareness of your own needs and motivations. One interesting thing you say that I can relate to is:

"But, the other side for me was that if i didn't take weed there was a high chance of me not falling asleep for hours and being a total trainwreck the next day."

I am a good sleeper, but I also have this belief that if I don't get my required 8 hours, the next day will be a write off. I find that this belief causes me anxiety if, for example, the kids are messing around and not going to bed and I have to get up early (I have teenagers, so they don't want to go to sleep until late). Because I am projecting forwards and thinking about the problems this will cause me the next day, it becomes a 'self-fulfilling prophecy' and surprise surprise, I can't get to sleep. What I've learned, slowly, is that it is better for me to not be so obsessive and judgemental about the situation and let it go - I know that although I won't be 100% at my best, I still get by. That in turn reduces my anxiety and I get to sleep a lot quicker.

I also read this guide to how the special forces get to sleep in war torn situations where anxiety and adrenaline is naturally high:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/national-napping-day-2019-fall-asleep-fast-military-trick-sleep-a8817826.html

It might be worth a read as an alternative approach for that restless mind.

I enjoy reading your thoughtful posts very much. They are a real help in my own journey, so thank you. Have a good day
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 04, 2020, 10:16:45 AM
Hi ShadeTrenicin,

Regarding on non-P-based MO: I tried similar approach in the past as well as hard mode. Trying to figure out what is a bigger trigger for P in my case. But the results were inconclusive. Sometimes, I fall for hours-long PMO edging session just because I didn't have any release for a week. So I was thinking that MO without P once in let's say 5 days might be more doable approach for me than "cold turkey." But I often ended up devoured by chaser effect the next day. So I don't know what is better.... right now I am giving another shot to the hard mode.

I will not comment much on weed, as I don't have any personal experience with it. Just be very careful not to replace one addiction with another (even though weed is believed not to be causing a hard physical addiction, you are in a very vulnerable position while quitting PMO).
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 05, 2020, 03:33:14 PM
Hey Kittyhawk


I think you might be right with the chaser effect.. Last night it was the same thing; couldn't sleep... tossed and turned and after 1 hour again a quick MO.. Still tossed and turned a bit but fell asleep.. no weed needed this time.

Thanks for the link UKGuy, I'll try it tonigjt

The day went okayish i guess.. Did some work, some building, cooked ate and watched some Star Trek.. Getting tired now so about to hit the shower (poor shower) and try to sleep.. I'll abstain from MO tonight.. Don't want to induce any more chaser effect

Today was day 7!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 06, 2020, 05:42:46 AM
Ah yes the dreaded chaser effect. I was trying for awhile to do the controlled MO but the chaser happens and for me personally, the urges to look at porn are still the same.

Keep up the good fight Shade. Hope your sleep begins to improve.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 06, 2020, 06:47:13 AM
Thanks Orbiter!

My sleep last night was excellent. I fell asleep within minutes and slept for a nice 8.5 hours!
Today is going well, no urges as of yet!

I will keep you guys updated
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 08, 2020, 02:43:32 AM
So,

Today is day 10 already! Last nights sleep was pretty good! The night before not so much, MO'd again, but pure normal fantasy luckily..
I've found out that when i purposely take the time to unwind and look within i have virtually no trouble of getting to sleep.. But if I just keep going at stuff without time to stand still and analyse what's going on, my mind just keeps on raging.. So that's the lesson for me at the moment.

Urge-wise there is a lot going on.. But, nothing i can't handle at the moment. I start my day on this forum and actually take my sweet time to read and sometimes post. This really helps me to put my urges into perspective.. I've made that nice 6 point action plan to help me battle my urges, but one of the things i'm not good at is to take myself seriously. This has been one of my most prominent traps; I set a goal for myself, don't take myself seriously, don't commit to the goal, fail and then feel bad for myself and give up the goal completely. For P this was also the case..

So I've been doing a lot of online meditations on self love and self forgiveness and they trigger a lot of emotions within myself. It helps me understand my addicted self and most importantly to forgive myself. And by doing that I'm taking myself and my emotions more serious.

Cheers guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 08, 2020, 04:34:49 AM
Great to read Shade - I love the fact that you are investing in yourself as well as simply just trying to 'beat the beast'. I believe it's a very sensible and holistic strategy. Hopefully the meditation will help calm your mind as well and improve your sleep. Whilst I usually do my meditation in the morning after exercise, I sometimes just sit in silence before bed to calm my mind and find that helps. Enjoy the weekend and take care.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 09, 2020, 03:58:37 AM
Hey UKGuy,

As always thanks for your interest and support it really helps.


Today is day 11, sadly our cat has died. Its a really sad thing and me and the wife are going to bury her now. I noticed that I've been able to express my emotions much better when compared to still being full in the PMO... So even in a mourning proces I've notice improvement.

Thanks guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 09, 2020, 03:50:40 PM
Hi ShadeTrenicin,

I have a similar experience. While hooked on PMO, I was emotionally distant. I realize that now, since I spent a lot of time cuddling with my wife last 2 days. At this point, it was almost non-sexual as I am still too numbed from PMO to get excited by the prospect of real sex But we are getting there!

Keep going!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 10, 2020, 06:35:45 AM
Hi Shade,

Condolences on the loss of your pet cat. Cats are such wonderful companions and it's always sad to have to lay one to rest. The emotional distance that seems to come with the territory of PMO addiction (or any addiction for that matter) seems to slowly erode all of our relationships over time, friends, partners, family all alike. I'm glad and happy for you that you were able to be emotionally available and present for your wife.

If there's one thing i've learnt in life, it is how difficult it is to find a true partner in life, someone who you can work together with to build a future together. It maybe a case of the grass being greener on the other side, but I think you're both very lucky people to have that.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 10, 2020, 07:34:21 AM
Assuming you live to an average age Shade, you’ve got more of your adult life left to live than you have already used. How great therefore that your eyes have been opened now in time to make the most of it. Like you say, don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Just what you have influence over (like the stoics taught us too).
Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 11, 2020, 03:04:57 AM
Hey Guys,


First of all, thanks for the lovely replies about the cat! It's really appreciated!

So, two nights ago the wife and I had a very long and deep conversation about sex and what the current status is. My wife is still concerned about my earlier behaviours in bed and that sometimes I would do weird new things (like kissing differently all of a sudden). She once thought I was cheating on her (apparently one off the telltale signs of having an affair is doing new things in bed with the wife one would normally do with the other lover) but, this has never been the case. My 'cheating' actions all took place on the internet with other woman on MSN at first and later random webcam chat sites. 

Still, the thing was that I never listened to her or never did what she asked. Not because I'm an asshole, but because............

And this is the part that frustrates me. I do not have a clear answer for this. I know in the past my mind would wander, which means that when I was focusing on her so to speak that my mind was not fully committed to it. But there was something else. I know that I've always approached sex in a clinical robotic way. Goal oriented, without passion and feeling. It was a mechanical act, like I've learned to do so on the internet. I had the ability to engage in sexual actions on the internet and if i wanted something else, with a click of a button i could skip to another person..

Recently I've done some meditations about it, on focusing what kind of a person I was like during the act of my addiction... And frankly it scared me. It felt forceful, my face literally frowned and my muscles clenched.. The frustration immediately took a hold of me; it felt so goddamn unnatural.
And this was also the way I approached intimacy with my wife; frustrated and tense. I almost wouldn't let her touch me, I wanted the lead, there was no connection between us.
Frankly it was horrible.

As you can imagine, i can fully understand why she doesn't want intimacy with me yet. She expressed that she feels that there is a small part inside of me that hasn't been adressed yet; the part of why the fuck i would suddenly kiss differently, do things she didn't want or why i wouldn't do what she liked. She once told me that it felt as if i was punishing her for something.

So currently I'm at a loss on what to do. I feel that the tenseness and the frustration have gone and before we put a stopped in the sex, we had a short but good run of nice intimate sex.. But there is a lot of history between us. 15 years of distant sex with a frustrated partner. I can't blame her for feeling this way, in fact i wonder how she lasted this long. She put a lot of effort into making it better.

But we now know where it came from, the next thing is to figure this out..


Thanks for reading guys





Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 11, 2020, 03:31:05 AM
I think this is progress Shade. Much better to address this issue openly, together and in a caring manner than to 'paper over the cracks' (An English saying which refers to putting wallpaper on a cracked wall rather than repairing the wall first). The very fact that you are prepared to engage in this dialogue with your wife in an unhurried, unselfish way - a way that puts her needs first / equal to yours, is correcting the past behaviours and demonstrating that you have changed. I say two things:
1) keep on talking together - don't rush, explore, be honest. Will getting some outside help such as a counsellor help or not?
2) don't become impatient if it takes time - I know if I was in your situation, that would become a trigger for me - after a period of time I would be thinking about 'my rights' (This is why I always relapsed after some kind of disagreement with my wife). Be strong.
Also - I am sure that your wife is having a tough time at the moment with the Covid recovery and the cat passing away. Time is a great healer, and I am sure if you are patient and loving and attentive, things will not only heal, but perhaps be even better than they ever were before together.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: metal22 on May 12, 2020, 09:36:28 PM
ShadeTrenicin,
There are 2 podcasts that I've been listening to for the last week and have gotten a lot from.  One is called The Betrayed The Addicted and the Expert.  The other is Sex within Marriage.  I have found them on Itunes,  though I'd imagine there are different avenues to find them.  They have both opened doors in my thinking that have allowed my to start to process my own thoughts and emotions that get stuck.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 13, 2020, 01:28:13 AM
@UKGuy, thanks for the advice, much appreciated. Again thanks for all the time and effort you put into reading, thinking and posting about my process!

@Metal22, thanks for the tip! I will definately look them up!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 15, 2020, 06:35:56 AM
Hi ShadeTrenicin,

regarding the issues you are describing. As the others pointed out, remain open and communicative. But also don't overanalyze this. I firmly believe, that this will sort out on it's own as your reboot progresses.

I encountered some weird feelings in my past reboots. For example when I lasted about 2 weeks without PMO, I started to be horny and wanted to have a sex with my wife. She wasn't in the mood for whatever reason and when nothing happened I was so angry. I didn't act angry towards her but internally I was furious. It usually led to a relapse soon after. Beware of a similar mental trap. Real people aren't like P. You can't get off whenever and wherever you want.

I hope this helps,
KittyHawk

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 16, 2020, 12:52:36 PM
How are you doing Shade? I can see you posted elsewhere this morning, and trust you're all good and making the most of the weekend? Have a good one.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 16, 2020, 02:44:19 PM
Thanks KittyHawk, for the advice.

Over analyzing is something that we used to do, On the other hand i dont want to under analyze things as well. My wife does has a point and I will have to adress it. It definately has something to do with rebooting, but I think it would be lazy and careless of me to fully write it off to my addiction. I have to approach this from other angles as well because I feel that the addiction enhanced / warped other parts of my personality. So with the addiction slowly subsiding, these traits might still be there, so to be sure i want to adress them.

@UKGuy, Thanks for checking up on me!


 It has been a couple of days indeed, I've been back to work and been focused on that and yesterday the forum was down again  >:( .The company i work at is not doing to well at the moment and theres talks of 20% cutbacks... Even though we are financially more than stable, it still is kind of a stressor.

I'm not doing to great at the moment, but it's all in my head. My day was pretty shitty up to an hour ago. Grumpy and unhappy with everything in a way a teenager can be. But i know it's in my head. There is something inside of me that makes me feel unsatisfied for no reason and i have to unearth whatever that is. But the stresses of salary cuts, our cat dying and worrying about my wife's health (she's fine, no worries) has taken its toll i guess

Fortunately, however disgruntled i was acting, i did not feel like that towards my wife. I knew that the feeling came from a problem inside and was actually proned to seek her comfort and affection. This is a huge U-turn from how i approached these feelings before. Back in the day i would let feelings like that take over my entire mental state and day and nothing would be free from my self inflicted emotional wrath. So, I am happy that i recognized the origin of the feelings and seek out the comfort of my wife. This shows me that the past 5 months of rebooting and working on myself have payed off a lot. And the moment i recognized that progress, my mood was gone.

I've also been thinking about how to raise kids and the wife and I talked about this during our walk. The thoughts were triggered by a short series of posts in Joepanic's thread, on the effect of P on children and how to approach this.


In hindsight this was actually a pretty good day because it has taught me a lot of things, the main things being;
a; i am very much capable of recognizing a bad mood and act accordingly
b; i have grown tremendously in dealing with bad moods

Urge wise I'm doing okay, this is day 18 so that is also going well. The moment I am typing the 18 days i recognize that around day 13-20 i usually have a hard time emotion wise after a relapse. So its very likely that there was a P induced influence as well. The last few days i have had a lot of urge to search for soft triggers so to speak.. A little voice that says its ok to look up that actress. Stuff like that. This is also an indication that something is up.

It is time for some self help and personal growth! I feel like a good cry tonight.

Anyway, that's it for now, I'm off to the other threads to read up since I've not been here a couple of days. I'm wondering how all of you are doing!


Post edit: Reading tip; If im feeling down I always love reading Haemin Sunim. Theres a book called Things you can only see if you slow down, how to be calm in a busy world. Reading this book is like being covered with a big blanket of unconditional love
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 17, 2020, 04:58:24 AM
Thanks for the book recommendation Shade - I will add it to my list.
It's really good that you had the right perspective at the end of the say - realising that it was in fact a pretty good day as you had grown.
There's a great book which if you haven't read, I'd recommend it - it's called Stop Thinking Start Living by Richard Carlson. In it it talks about moods being like a pendulum on a clock - constantly oscillating from side to side. This was a great realisation to me - just like in the 6 point PMO plan - if you realise that those moods are ALWAYS temporary, and that you don't even have to think your way out of them, solve anything etc etc. Soon the pendulum will be on the other side. It was so empowering for me. The book articulates it much better than I do, but hopefully you get the picture.
Be strong with the triggers my friend. I am with you (and also challenged myself due to arousing dreams last night). It's time just to realise that they will pass, and that that will represent more growth for us on our journey. Good luck (and with the company situation also). Have a good day.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 17, 2020, 09:57:34 AM
Thanks for the book recommendation UKGuy, I'll try to find it (the main Dutch online bookstore does not have it, but we have amazon  since recently, so ill look for it there!).

Just was talking with the wife again and we were discussing out personal growth. I also outed that the last couple of days have been hard for me and that I had trouble finding my peace and just be. I was restless so to speak. The accompanying feelings i have with that are of course triggers. Huge ones.. I used to link the triggers to boredom, but i know now that it wasn't boredom, but restlessness due to emotions i have not addressed.
During the talk we also talked about a black page in our relationship. It was about 3 years ago.......

At that time I was finishing evening school (bachelors in Mechanical Engineering), working full time and rebuilding the complete 1st floor of our house..
There was a lot of stress, because my employer was not so cooperative with my education anymore (which they were in the beginning) and so I had to do my thesis at home (funny because one of the recommendations from my thesis ended up saving the company 200k a year)

You can imagine that working 40 hours + writing a thesis + remodeling a house was quite a lot to handle and i was practically depressed and really not a great person to be around. It nearly destroyed our relationship.

But, in our talk, my wife asked that if the whole problem of my negative personality at that time could be linked due to the fact that I wasn't able to indulge in my addiction. Because i was busy all of the time and had no alone time.. DAMN, she was 100% on point. The fact that she asked this is because i said that i notice that i become grumpy during periods of my reboot (usually 3-8 days and 13-20 days after the last indulgence). And she was right, my stress relieve/coping mechanism was porn of course. This was an amazing eyeopener for us and it has also helped us to close that period of our lives...

Anyway, that is what I wanted to share with you all today.


Thanks for reading guys (and girls perhaps? Anyone is welcome)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 18, 2020, 06:44:24 AM
Hey Shade,

Sorry to hear of the stressors you've been facing going back to work. I can relate strongly as my work has been experiencing some significant financial hardships despite being an essential service. Since March our job security has been very uncertain and though i'm doing ok at the moment, who knows what the next few months may bring. As scary as it is, I feel it's good to be working and knowing there is some money coming in during times like this. Focusing on the job itself and accepting that I can't control what happens beyond that has been of some comfort and given me something to ultimately be thankful for as there are others doing it much harder. I wish you the best of luck with this all the same.

Though I am probably the last person who should be making observations on relationships or marriages it's sounds like, as difficult as it is, these conversations with your wife have been both productive in addressing some issues that have affected your lives for a long time as well as opened up some constructive communication to healing for both of you. There is a lot to reflect on and a lot of harsh realities we all have to face, but I feel if we can deal with them unselfishly, with humility and a genuine desire to grow, only good things can come from it.

We're all rooting for you. Keep up the great work.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on May 19, 2020, 02:37:48 PM
Hiya Shade,  I just found your journal (thanks UK). 
Since I've some chores (food shopping for 1) I'm not going to provide any words of wisdom today. (I tried charging my wife for them, it didn't work out too well. Now she's an ex.)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 21, 2020, 04:47:01 PM
Hey Orbiter,

Thanks for dropping by! The stressors at work aren't really bad, it's just that i can find work in general quite a challenge sometimes due to my concentration problem. I've stopped taking ritalin which improves my mood and creativity but the downside is that i have to re-learn to find motivation and put it into action, it takes quite some energy. But hey, i'll live! I've got a great job in which i've got 80% freedom and an amazing team of collegues! I'm workig from home 50% of the time now, and i only work 36 hours a week so it's not that work is the stressor but the challenge of ADHD!

So my mood is still going up and down and the past weeks i've noticed a drop in motivation and energy. For all sorts of things. I also have a lack of focus in general in life. This is currently mainly due to the fact that the company i work at is financially unsure, even with the government support.. And the 20% cutbacks are also demotivating. The whole team is currently unsure and demotivated. The financial cutbacks on itself are not a problem for us. But the insecurity for the future are!

So i don't know where I'm at this moment.

Luckily i do have this forum and posting in other threads is something i like to do!

Based on what i've written above i've decided that i want to set some more concrete goals for myself!

I will call it Shades 90 day plan to be a porn free, healthier goal oriented person: the goals are:

1. Reach 90 days PMO free. Then reevalutate and set next challenge period
2. Lose 3 kg in that period! (I should exercise more) the quality of my diet is well above average since the wife and I are very focussed on rating all the nutrients we need. BUT, I do have an enourmous sweet tooth and can endulge myself in snack nights So i need to cut into snacks as well
3. Make a list of chores / things to fix in the house for the coming 90 days

Cheers guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 22, 2020, 03:26:13 AM
Something just popped up in my mind weirdly as I was posting on some other threads and it's mainly because of what Joepanic mentioned in his thread.
At the moment i'm really happy with the activity on this forum and it makes me feel bonded to you guys even though i have no idea who you are outside of your addictions.
What Joe mentioned is something similar with the added notion that once a guy feels that he's beaten porn he tends to leave the forum. And that struck me with a sort of sadness.
I would hate to see any of you leave at this moment, but that feeling is purely based on my feeling of melancholia because any of you leaving this forum means he's beaten P addiction (or is at least capable of going at it alone).

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you guys!


So, i'm feeling good today and good about myself for coming up with the 90 day plan. I do feel like i need to make it a bit more concrete and elaborate.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 22, 2020, 03:59:42 AM
Hi Shade,
I have been reflecting about this too.
My father in law is an alcoholic. He last had a drink over 25 years ago, but he still attends his weekly meetings as if he didn't, he knows (or fears) what would happen. It's therefore become a way of life for him, and as a consequence he has developed some wonderful friendships and become something of a mentor for others who are not yet as advanced on their journey.
I was wondering the other day (On Joe's thread I think), what happens to the guys that leave here? How many of them stay clean vs relapse? I don't know the answer of course, but what I do know is that even if they have become 100% healed, by leaving they are passing up an opportunity to continue to help others, to become mentors, an inspiration - and that is something that I think they would benefit from as much as the people they are helping. I'm not judging at all, but why wouldn't you want to lend a hand to a brother in need? It makes you feel good, especially when you are appreciated. It perhaps it makes the pain you went through all the more worthwhile because you are able to use the learnings and experience to help many more people (and their partners/kids etc) avoid that suffering. At the same time...it also keeps you clean. I don't believe that 90 days is sufficient to 'reboot an go' like some kind of hard drive erasure. This is an ongoing process and engaging in it on a long term basis is central to one's continued recovery and sobriety. This for me, has been the missing piece of my jigsaw after years of trying to tweak my own plan - I would be foolish and complacent to think I could do without it. At the same time, we have to guard against apathy, the joy of finding others to share with starting to diminish, the sense that the forum has done its job (for us) and there are other things to move onto. That fatigue is natural in any activity or venture, and I think being aware of it in ourselves (almost like being aware of triggers) is the best way to ensure long term engagement within the community, and as a consequence more likely positive outcomes for all. I'm not planning on going anywhere yet, and look forward to celebrating your 90 days together!! Cheers my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: blueicetea10 on May 22, 2020, 05:53:43 AM
I've also thought about the people who stop posting on this forum. No doubt the graveyard of long abandoned accounts, swearing ultimate abstinence and then fading into inactivity vastly outweigh the accounts still active. I wonder if that tally measures more the number of recovered individuals or those who lost their way. It makes me grateful that I'm still here because even though I'm posting about the issues I'm having, I'm still on the path to recovery. We're all on this path together and I enjoyed reading your message about sticking around to help others who are suffering as we heal and become stronger. Perhaps one day face to face conversations about this issue will become mainstream and we can talk to our family and friends, brothers, sons and buddies about this issue. Regardless I'm glad to have this community to share with and support each other, and your post has changed the way I think about recovery, so thanks.

Best wishes all, I hope you have a great day   :)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 22, 2020, 03:35:45 PM
Thanks UKGuy and Blueicetea for your replies.

I also think that the fatigue will set in at one point and that its natural, but i cannot be after 90 days. From what I envision (and the example of your father in law, UKguy, confirms this) is that addiction is something that will stick for life. I do not have the believe that i am able to PMO at a certain time without immediately being drawn back to it or at least have the serious urge to do so.

However, there is also the difference between persons. Some people naturally are more proned to be community people and tend to take the role of mentor and guide, while others are more self centered. And there is no wrong in being either of them. So it is my believe that from the vast number of accounts only a few of those will overcome their addiction and a fraction of those will be the ones that keep coming back to provide wisdom and support for the ones not yet clear of their addiction.

All in all i think as a community we should focus on the mental health of the group while maintaining our own. By sharing out own faults, mistakes and insight we can build a foundation on which a new generation can build. That way we can help out a next generation of people wanting to quit porn with a base of things to watch out for, approaches, tips and tricks to help battle their addiction more efficient!


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 22, 2020, 05:19:39 PM
Interesting topics you have here.

Quote
What Joe mentioned is something similar with the added notion that once a guy feels that he's beaten porn he tends to leave the forum. And that struck me with a sort of sadness.

I can only speak for myself, but i'm enjoying exchange with you all and i have to be honest, without you on this forum, it would be much harder for me to keep focus. Everytime during the day i feel an urge or sth i remind myself 'write it down in the journal, share it'.
And, i don't know what is going to happen when i reach my 90 day goal (having 54 today), when the time comes i expect me walking by myself more often. Right now, i like to belive that i need another 30 or maybe 90 days after my first goal to cement the fundamentals of a P-free life. Means, i will stick with you guys for quite some time :-)

Thanks to you all, i hope i can give something back to you.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: metal22 on May 22, 2020, 09:21:10 PM
Back in my dday a few years ago there was a number of guys I connected with that had been in similar timing and experiences as me.  It was the same for my wife in the partners forum.  I do believe that of the guys,  most have moved on.  There are a few partners that still post periodically though.
To be honest,  I had moved on too.  Until my relapse,  I hadn’t posted in at least 2 years.  I’m not sure why so many move on,  maybe the anonymous nature of things plays a role?  It feels hard to form strong lasting relationships in an anonymous way.  But that is unfortunate though,  some of us who have been doing this awhile have much to contribute.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 23, 2020, 05:37:17 AM
Day 0,

Im not saying anything negative about it, i'm just going to let it be and sink in.
The problem is that i've been ignoring my feelings.. I was just reading and posting on here and portraying my good ideas and behaviours and afterwards just simply went for it. So why the f*ck is that?

I've been struggling with myself and my emotions lately and what i also feel is that i've lost touch with reality to much, i was not aware in the moment.
And although the forum gave me great strength and understanding i've sort of locked myself away from my true feelings and went back to autopilot in dealing with things, one of them being PMO. Luckily it was a quick one, but a relapse none the less.

Ok, so how to move forward from this? What where the triggers/situations/feelings?

1. Being alone
2. Being alone and not sticking to my own 6 point plan
3. A unaware state of being, as is i were occupying my own body as a shell, a husk. I did not feel connected to reality (i am overexagarating this feeling) and thus my emotions and the negative feelings.

This was a perfect prelude to a relapse. It felt natural to do it..

So, on how to approach the triggers;

1. Being alone; this is something that is going to happen a lot in the future. So how to deal with that?
2. Being along and not sticking to my 6 point plan; well, this is something that can be changed. Why did I not reach for it? The anwer for me lies in point three
3. An unaware state of being is usualy an indication for me that something is brewing beneath the surface. Lately as you might've read in my thread, there is a lot going on. I have not been dealing enough with these feelings.

So from this day onwards; a fresh start:
In 90 days the 22nd of july

1. I have not PMO'd
2. My weight will be 90 kg's (94 currently)
3. I will have put significant more effort in dealing with emotions.

How will i reach these goals?

1. To start off, im setting a new 30 day hardmode; no P M or O! I will continue to engage as much as possible on this forum, and be more honest about my feelings. Also i do not have to fool myself. My tendency still is sometimes to ignore or dismiss my feelings as if they are not there. The build up of these feelings can accumulate to what i experience as being detached. It is a defence mechanism; being afraid to face myself. Self love is something I yearn to improve
Also, i've made a plan with the wife, that on the days that i work from home, she will join me in the attic to work. That way we got the alone part covered for a while. This is not a permanent fix of course, but we are going to plan it for the coming weeks.
2. Excersize! My diet is pretty decent; more than 400grams of veggies a day, at least one piece of fruit. We eat legumes at least 3 times a week. I drink 1,5-2 liters of water a day most of the days. I seldomly drink alcohol.
However, i do tend to loose myself in sweet things. I cannot eat one piece of chocolate of candy, the whole bag will vanish within a small amount of time.. So yesterday i did my first run in 2 years and we agreed to not buy sweets for a while anymore)
3. I enjoy watching lectures on dealign with emotions and how to do that with meditations. Tara Brach is one of my favorites at the moment. I've noticed that last weeks i've not watched a lot of those. These lectures help me and guide me to better understand my underlying emotions.


So, there we have it.. It felt good to write all this down. It might look a bit chaotic, but that is just me!

And thank the world for my wife, i cannot be a more lucky individual to have such a unconditionally loving wife.
Without here, i would not be where I am now
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 23, 2020, 06:02:43 PM
Hello ShadeTrenicin,

It happened - ok. I really like how you turned that negative thing into motivation. Keep this up!

My experience is when hardmode and no sweets/alcohol i really get a bad mood. So, keep track of your mood and if it swings more than usual. Be aware, this also can cause some strange conditions. I'm sure, kardio exercise is perfect. Don't run to feel the burn, just run stimulte healthy endorphines!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 23, 2020, 09:15:15 PM
Hi Shade,

Though i'm sorry to hear of your recent relapse, it's inspiring to see how you've taken this setback and reflected on it, formed a clear understanding of it and have made a concrete plan of action to address it. If we can use these relapses to learn and motivate, I feel more and more this is the way to move towards genuinely breaking free of this habit.

I'll be checking in over the coming days, i'm interested to hear how the next few days go. Rooting for you as always!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 24, 2020, 02:54:50 AM
Hi Shade,
I saw Orbiters words first when I clicked on this page - my first reaction was 'Oh F*ck!', which is really interesting in that I discovered I feel a real connection with your journey, and also guys like Mr Slurps who I correspond a lot with - that's not to exclude any of the other guys of course, but the more you follow someone's progress, the more connected you feel I guess. So, I am feeling empathy here for you, not least because I have been there myself many times...but I also feel great encouragement at your resilience and ability to diagnose and strengthen your plan. I also celebrate the fact that you clearly have a great and understanding wife. Show her your strength through your resolve. I don't feel you need any words of advice from me as you know your theory very well, but be assured that there is someone here rooting for you and also Mrs T too! All the best my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 24, 2020, 08:09:35 AM
Thank you all Imsorrynotsorry, Orbiter, and UKGuy!

Your words have left me at the verge of crying, in a good way i might add.

I've gone through a lot of emotions, and one of them is feeling like a fraud, even though i know i am not. I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Anyway, i've noticed that on pivotal points nearing the PMO threshold i have a great ability to pursuade myself that "it's okay to do it for a bit. It's not harmfull at all. I know i like it" It's a very annoying yet familiar and powerful sort of voice inside my head.
I know who that voice is, it's my self-worth encouraging me to do something i 'want' because i 'earned' it.. It's such a familiar voice that i have difficulty recognizing it as something that is actually really harmful. In reality that self-worth is self destructive and delusional in thinking that I will benefit from it.
It is a feeling that leads me to further shield myself from the world by engaging in things that are easy to control and are easily kept at a distance.
That way, i cannot be harmed emotionally.

This mechanism, i'm positive, is a remainder from my childhood in which i was teased a lot, sometimes bullied and most of all excluded by other kids (and sometimes adults) because i was the really fucking annoying kid. Later on it proved to be ADHD that made me act like that. I needed a lot of attention and for me at a point negative attention was also attention. Due to this chain of events i am a person that is in need of constant approval or appreciation from peers and i have trouble getting that approval from the most important person; myself.

Funny thing is that i recently posted in someone elses thread (can't remember who) about self love and how it's pivotal in making a good recovery.
The above mentioned things illustrate why self love is so necesary.

I think that in self love i have the key to accepting myself and with that the ability to no longer need the approval or appreciation from peers to make me feel good
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 24, 2020, 02:55:13 PM
Hi Shade,

Just keep going. There is no shame in that. We all are “work in progress” and openly admit it.
That doesn’t mean we can’t give each other advices. And they might even prove to be more valuable since they come from someone who is also “in trenches”.

Yet I know the feeling. I also feel kinda unworthy after each relapse to even come back here. But by coming back here, we are actually showing a lot of character and resolve.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 24, 2020, 03:20:11 PM
Quote
I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Not at all. This experience is important. You are on your way, like we all are, a slip or even falling down is not dragging you back in that hole where we had so much trouble crawling out. If you turn around and stay day in day out in that hole isn't helping. Just to make this example clear: Maybe you havn't reached the 90 days without PMO, then make it plan B to reach 90 days with the least relapse count and the sum it up. 1 or 5 relapses in 90 days is very very good compared to 90 relapses in 90 days, isn't it?
A relapses isn't restoring your brain back to 100% PMO-addiction. It's halting or not helping. So, keep on going, watch your steps, come here often, talk it through.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Wolfman on May 24, 2020, 04:52:07 PM
Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 25, 2020, 02:45:35 AM
Great words Wolfman, with which I concur 100%.

Shade - you're a great guy and a significant contributor to the recovery of many here, myself included. Your selflessness is very apparent. Just make sure you practice that self love with yourself. If there's something in your mind that you wouldn't say to one of us (e.g.: it feels like you're a fraud), then don't say it to yourself either! #selflove

Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 25, 2020, 05:47:02 AM
KittyHawk, thanks for the words of kindness man, it really helps.

Imsorrynotsorry, Thanks for that relativation of 5 PMO vs 90 days. Really insightfull and it felt relieving to read that

Wolfman, great to see you here man! And thanks so much for your kind words, relativation and just making me feel better!

UKGuy, once again thank you my friend for making me feel valued (and all of you btw)



So, today is day 2 and i'm well!
I watched a great talk by tara brach yesterday about the hungry ghosts of addiction and desire. Really inspirational.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv7zxUbiwU
Today i'm back at work and i feel motivated once more!

I do have to admit that the urges are strong today! This morning in my car there was an abundance of different scenarios and situations that left me quite exited so to say.. But, realize that the urge is temporary

Thank you all, you guys are what keeps me going
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 25, 2020, 03:02:22 PM
Update on day 2;

holy shit f*ck.. i have crazy almost uncontrolable urges.. i almost sat down and did it.. again! I have no idea wtf is happening and i'm at a loss on how to cope with this. Has anyone ever experienced crazy strong urges a couple of days after a relapse? It seems much much worse than the chaser effect.


Anyway, for now i'm holding it together but im completely restless both mentally and physically so I decided to come on here and brief you guys!


Edit: I've just read my opening post and re-read my own entire thread. This is actually realy motivating for me and it helped a lot, urges have calmed down!


Cheers

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 25, 2020, 04:59:39 PM
Yes, know the exact feeling where i've threw it all over board and did it. Afterwards the emptyness and the why. Short time after a relapse the barriers are very very weak. I never was strong enough during this time, which lead to more PMO and more symptoms. What you did today is something i've never achieved. But think, tomorrow and the next days will be hard as hell. I drop a quote for you i like:

Quote
If you're going through hell, keep going
- Winston Churchill
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 26, 2020, 04:17:53 AM
Stay strong Shade - remember the 6 point plan. Print it off and stick it on your monitor! We're with you brother.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 26, 2020, 06:07:06 AM
Thanks guys!

Today is actually going great! I held in there, stuck to the 6 point plan! I will keep going through hell!

Thank you for the support!

Day 3 is going well so far. Tonight i'll go for a run
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: metal22 on May 27, 2020, 05:12:25 PM
Shade,
Glad to hear you're doing better.  It sounds like you're staying positive,  and your wife is supportive.  How much do you talk to your wife about your emotions,  feelings and worries?  My wife has always been strong for me,  and I think a great deal of my temptations have roots in unprocessed emotions.  For me,  I'm so out of touch with my emotions and subconscious it almost feels like another human is controlling me at times.  I do things,  say things and react unlike the normal person.  It makes other emotions ( always negative) pop up,  like I might get suddenly envious,  or angry or whatever.  My wife is pretty in tune to me,  and is able to detect when I'm "off".  Just wondering,  since when you said you relapsed you felt like a shell.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 28, 2020, 01:41:08 AM
Hey Metal22,

Thanks for the perceptive post!

Before i revealed my addiction to my wife i did not talk about my emotions, other than when it all became to much (which was like once a year). I was only able to express my frustration, irritations and projected my feelings on other people.

What you describe about being out of touch is something that i recognize, at least partly. My wife is also very much in tune with me and immediately senses when there is something going on.
For me the whole feeling like a shell thing is feeling like I am living on auto pilot, not in touch with the here and now and no connections to my (true) emotions. When i feel like a shell, the emotions I feel are only a frustrated outlet of my true emotions and not being able to out them.

So, day 4. Feeling pretty good. Talked to myself this morning to not cave, think of the 6 point plan and keep up the good work.

I might put more down later on an interesting concept that i've been reading/listening about.. It's a perception on craving and addiction. Im trying to summarize a transcript of a 50 minute talk.. So it might take a while, but i'm 100% positive this can be helpful and insightful for a lot of people here

Thanks for reading and stay strong guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 28, 2020, 07:36:15 AM
I feel we can all relate to that detached vacant feeling. Drifting through the days, never really affected or engaged in life the same way as others, being surprised at our own behaviour when to others they can set it written all over us. I believe this disconnection is at least in part a long term effect of this habit which is also why it unfortunately provides such an effective escape from bad feelings.

We've all got some catching up to do in regards to building this mental & emotional reconnection with our lives but thankfully you have loved ones who clearly do care about you and of course you've got our support too. Keep going!

By the way that Tara Brach talk was fantastic.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on May 28, 2020, 09:05:47 AM
Thought of you yesterday Shade. Glad you're holding on with optimism.
Would like to hear about the concept.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 29, 2020, 01:57:16 PM
Hey Guys,

This is day 6 and it's going okay-ish i guess. I'm not sleeping very well and i'm somehow displaying weird corona symptoms.. Nothing to serious yet.
My mood is fluctuating a lot but i feel that i am much more able to deal with the negative ones because of the mental growth i have been doign the past 5 months. Right now im dead tired, with a killer headache but happy that you guys are here.

So I'm still working on that transcript of the Hungry ghost talk. It's a lot o do actually and i've been busy with work a lot.

Anyhow, @Orbiter if you are interested i can give you more recommendations from Tara Brach, ones that have definatively helped me with the addiction.


Im off reading and posting in your threads guys! Talk soon and stay PMO free!!!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 29, 2020, 04:03:10 PM
Get well soon Shade and thanks for the encouragement on my Journal. Sleep well.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: metal22 on May 29, 2020, 08:44:49 PM
Shade,  hang in there man!  I hope you haven't got the corona.  Get plenty of rest and beat whatever you have!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 30, 2020, 06:14:15 AM
Sending you well wishes from afar Shade. Hope you're doing ok and getting well.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on May 30, 2020, 07:38:14 AM
Shade, we have the same number of days. Let's keep going.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on May 30, 2020, 03:53:01 PM
Hi Shade, keep going! 
I am rooting for you and wishing that it is not a corona. Last time I though I had it, it turned out to be pollen allergies  ;D
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 31, 2020, 05:15:08 AM
Thank you all guys!

Luckily it was a false alarm and i was just fatigued the last week. I didn't get enough sleep the past 6 days. On top of that i kept on working, maintaining the household and construction work on my roof terrace.. So i guess i asked to much of myself.

My mental defenses were really low this week and been on the verge of relapsing but luckily i've stopped in time. So the last week I still was not in touch with myself and been focussed to much on other things. The sleep deprivation (it wasn't so bad as it sounds) makes me want to resort to other ways of relaxation and I have less mental strenght to choose the right thing to do.

That's why it's a good thing i've had an excellent sleep last night. I am feeling brand new again. Right now i'm doing the construction work on the roof terrace while the wife is also there sunbathing. We chat a bit, it's nice and productive. Plus i'm getting a tan in this gorgeous weather (its 27 degrees Celcius here) And that is exactly what my pasty white body needs; some vitamin D!


Thanks so much guys for all the well wishes, it really means  a lot. This weekend i will post in your topics again


Cheers
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on May 31, 2020, 11:43:18 AM
Great to hear you’re well and rested Shade. Well done for resisting whilst tired - always a dangerous time. Take care and enjoy the sun.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on June 01, 2020, 08:27:36 AM
Hi Shade,
Just took a look at most of your journal. Well done for getting back on the horse after a setback - such a challenging thing to do.

Glad to hear your covid scare was just a scare. I had a scare too. Not too serious either, but it made me think about my mortality, I mean - I will die one day; I try not to think about it, but it was somehow illuminated now and a scary thought. But I'm grateful for it ,and i tap into that feeling and try not to fall into old ways. In touch with my mortality like that, i was grateful of every moment, not petty or moaning, or willing to waste my time on any bad habits. Onward!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 01, 2020, 08:32:16 AM
Hey Joel,

thanks for the kind words. It sometims is a challenge to get back on the horse.

About the scare, it does put things in perspective. But, as it turns out, for me i might not've been a scare. Today i can't really do anything without being out of breath. So imma call the doctor tomorrow to have myself tested.

I've been tending for the wife for 8 weeks now, so it's a miracle i didn't get it sooner. Anyway, let's just wait what the test says. Until that time i'll remain as inactive as possible!

A great side effect of this is that i have no energy to do stuff. So PMO is not an option, just thinking about it makes my lungs hurt  ;D
Urge-wise i've been pretty good, virtually no urges. Only fast image flashes once in a while, but no deep seeted lustfull desire or something like that.
Well, for the wife, but not porn.

Ill keep you guys updated

Cheers, and thanks fr reading
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on June 01, 2020, 10:07:41 AM
Hi Shade,

stay vigilant!
I noticed before on myself, that, oddly enough, being tired and exhausted is also a trigger.

 
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 02, 2020, 07:40:11 AM
Hi Shade,

Sorry to hear of your ongoing struggles. Stay safe & well over there whenever possible. Hope the test comes back all clear.

I'll be keep an eye on this journal. Wishing you and your loved ones well.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 03, 2020, 06:52:42 AM
Thanks, quick update; being tested for Corona in 30 mins
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 03, 2020, 10:51:20 AM
How did you get on Shade?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 03, 2020, 02:56:49 PM
Hey UKGuy,


The test was not so bad. They take taken an XL cotton swab and drive it down you nose about 8 cm deep lol. I'm supposed to get the answer within 48 hours.

Corona aside, I feel like I'm standing still with the addition. It's going well, but I feel that on a deeper level there is a lot still to work through. But that Is something that that takes a lot of time.


I guess that will be my focus the coming time
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: metal22 on June 03, 2020, 08:45:01 PM
Shade,
I hope things get better for you health-wise!
I bought a fixer-upper that we are living in.  I've been working as much as I can on it for the last 2.5 years.  It's exhausting,  and sometimes infuriating,  but othertimes rewarding.  It definitely keeps me busy though!   
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 04, 2020, 05:03:27 AM
Ouch...sounds painful Shade!
Be positive re the PMO - standing still is much better than going backwards! I think we need these flat periods of consolidation sometimes, and of course remember that you are not feeling well - this will be a big factor in how you are viewing things. Good luck with the result - take care and be kind to yourself my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 05, 2020, 01:56:44 AM
Hi Guys,


So the covid test came back negative (as expected) but i still have to follow the guideline and stay home until the symptoms have subsided for at least 24 hours.
I am unsure about the test results and i think there is a good chance that is was a false negative because in all my contats with the national health service, the local and both our docters, is that nobody really knows whats the truth. I've been getting a lot of different and not matching information and they all tell me that they are also seeking for what is the actual truth.

Addiction wise im doing okay. Better than yesterday (had a really foul mood). Today I feel more at ease and aware of my urges and i have a clear mind to think about them.
I do notice a lot of fantasy flashes in my head which tend to lead me to think about scenarios and strategies that i could PMO in. They feel so familiar that it's tempting.

Long live the 6 point plan

I've recognized my urge,
I've let it be and watched it without judgement
I've kind of found why I want to resort to PMO (i've been feeling reaaaally unproductive since i am not my best physically and that makes me need a sort of pick me up. In the past this always was PMO)
I've said to my self that it was temporary and voila the feeling subsided
I've remembered the hollow unfulfilled sense of nothing and regret that i have after a PMO wank
There was no need for an emergency activity, in stead i came to the forum :)

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 05, 2020, 03:25:47 AM
LONG LIVE THE 6 POINT PLAN SHADE!!!

I am pleased to report that with time, those creative flashes of scenarios and strategies have diminished for me.

Good to hear that you have been tested as -ve. Are you feeling any better? Very interesting to hear your first hand insights from the health workers in terms of a lack of consensus. It still seems as if there are more unanswered questions with Covid than answered ones.

Have a good day and a good mood my friend! :-)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 05, 2020, 08:59:32 AM
Glad to read the test is done and you've stayed the course throughout. Hopefully you will have a more solid concensus re the results but it sounds promising the way I read it.

Stay the course Shade, i'm sure it'll work out.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on June 05, 2020, 02:27:53 PM
Hiya Shade,   Thanks again for reaching out. That was really something.
I'm realizing that act of reaching out can be powerful/productive.
Jerking off is a selfish/isolating act. Helping another is the opposite.
My big relapse has got me back in my selfish head, hence not being good re posting on other's journals.
Also, I'm so shaken I've returned to not leaving myself "alone in the house w/ a computer." (I thought I had gotten beyond that point.)
So now I have to gradually get back to being more generous/giving.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 05, 2020, 03:25:48 PM
Quote
I've said to my self that it was temporary and voila the feeling subsided

I want to cut that out because there is great experience speaking.
The addiction with the urge kicks in on high speed, while our sanity is running late. If we accomplish to wait, let it be and wait for our sanity to arrive 'the urge' gets cold feet. This is why i'm a big fan of what i like to call Shades 6 Point Plan.

Furthermore i want to say congratulations in your success of an avoided relapse. There will be more, but with every avoided relapse you get more routine in your defence and the S6PP.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 06, 2020, 05:37:13 AM
Thanks guys for all the responses!

I am somewhat pleased and displeased to tell you guys that i was practically in the act of relapsing until i (got) stopped by an external trigger which lead me to stop myself. It was a close call.. phew. It took a lot of effort and belated 6PP to make myself stop.
MAN was i grumpy after that... But in the course of the evening my mood went back to normal, especially when i outed my underlying feelings towards my wife. Later on i also watched a Tara Brach video that helped me get to my own senses.

I've been noticing that i am great in fooling myself. I appear even to myself in really investing into the S6PP (I love that title) and emotions but i am also a master of doing it on the surface in a rational way and not letting it enter into my real emotions.
Because of that i've been struggling a lot the past 2 weeks in fact. I've been doing okay with the addiction (kind off) but i've noticed that i'm also automatically burying my emotions again like i used to do.

Not addressing these emotions will lead me to relapse behaviour again. In fact, now that i've worded it on this forum it is very clear to me. My triggers are unprocessed or burried emotions.

I will contemplate on that and later edit this post some more


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on June 06, 2020, 04:20:11 PM
Hiya Shade,  Here's some zen to think about.
Emotions are real. And emotions are not real.
The quality of out communication with them is important. It should be as straight-forward as possible.
That is also true with others (wife).
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 07, 2020, 09:46:20 PM
Thanks man, thats insightful!


So it's like past 4a.m and i still cannot sleep. Mind has been going like crazy. However, just wanted to check in here for obvious reasons. I am now downstairs and this usually was a relapse opportunity for me. But no more 6 point plan for the win.

I came on here as a sort of preemptive strike.


Anyway, i will try to get some sleep (birds are already awake)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on June 09, 2020, 05:24:59 AM
Yo Shade, hope you were able to push through. That open communication with the wife sounds like a postitive way to come back to earth instead of these urges/ acting out getting more and more out of control.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 09, 2020, 08:18:39 AM
How's it going Shade? I hope you're feeling better.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 10, 2020, 01:29:26 AM
Hey Guys,

Thanks for the concerns and well wishes. It means a lot.
I've been busy a lot these days. Mostly with work and it keeps my mind of things. Happy to report my sleep has improved the last two nights.

I will try to update and respond to your threads soon.


Take care guys im always rooting
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on June 10, 2020, 08:26:25 AM
No matter how shit we feel, we still must quit porn because porn doesn't help.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 11, 2020, 04:54:24 AM
How's everything going Shade? Feeling any better as of late? Good to see you've managed to stay strong and stick to the 6 point through some very stressful developments.

Looking forward to your next update, rooting for you as always!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 13, 2020, 03:37:25 AM
Hey Guys,

So it's been a couple of days since i was active on the forum. And yesterday it was down so I couldnt post.

I've been doing good i guess. I've been dead-tired the past days and my wife is still feeling the full relapse of the COVID-19 sickness. Turns out, it's now getting clear that a group of thousands of 'young' people that had mild symptoms are now unable to properly function due to after effects. My wife is now in here 10th week and when she walks to the kitchen, her heart rate shoots up to 150 bpm.. She can't do anything yet. For me i've also been feeling this, not as severe tho.

Because i'm so tired my defences have been low and I glanced at some P every now and then but iwas to lazy to MO.. So this being tired was actually a saver lol.

Luckily last night i've had an amazing good night sleep and i'm feeling much better.

All in all I've noticed that I was out of synch with myself the last weeks (as I might've written down) but this is slowly returning. This has become clear because besides the P addictions the use of the 6PP is now slowly being used in other ways as well. When i have the urge to buy something unhealty, or if i want to do something impulsive.. So slowly but steadily it's becoming a habit for me.


That's it for now, there is a brainfog due to being tired so i can't really think of more coherent stuff to type.

Stay safe everyone!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 13, 2020, 03:54:39 AM
Hey Shade,
I am sorry to read that the journey back to full health is a slow one, and am wishing you and your wife a speedy recovery.
I can relate to the low defences when feeling ill/tired, and also the desire to grab on to something that will make you feel better. I guess a quick injection of dopamine is one such thing, so be careful!
Maybe the 6PP will become a new mega-trend in the future - you should write a book on it! I will write the forward and say what a good guy you are and how the 6PP really helped me in my life in many ways! :-)
Take care be patient with the recovery.
All the best.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 13, 2020, 12:56:11 PM
Shit, fuck, ass..... Day 0 :'(
Guess I could've seen it coming with all the fatigue. I wasn't prepared and I didn't feel like being prepared.. Shit do I feel hollow.. I will calm down and try to pick myself up.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 13, 2020, 05:42:56 PM
Sorry to hear about the relapse Shade, I can feel the hollowness & dissapointment as if it was my own. Regarding a plan of action I would say, if this has happened at the end of the day, maybe have an early night, sleep & regroup tomorrow. If it was in the morning, refocus and get some tasks ready to get you back on track & feel good about the day being productive.

The practical stuff aside, it can often feel unfair that when so many others are going through difficult & exhausting periods of life, they only have to worry about stress & fatigue whereas we have to worry about that PLUS the internal battle with that addictive part of our brains/personalities. Because of this though, I think sadly relapses will happen from time to time. Not to say that we should give up and accept them, more that sometimes I suppose shit happens and we've just got to find a way to make peace with it, let go and keep moving forward.

Look after yourself Shade and watch out for the chaser. We're still rooting for you!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 14, 2020, 05:25:19 AM
I echo Orbiter's comments Shade - when someone who gives as much as you do to others on here stumbles, there will be many who empathise and feel the pain for you. You are a good man.
You don't need any advice from me - you know the drill, but the one thing I will reiterate is this...

Be kind to yourself.

Take care my friend, get well soon, and we're all rooting for you.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: jixu on June 14, 2020, 06:50:36 AM
Don't let a short-term setback cloud the reality of the significant progress you have made.  A fresh start with a new resolve can be very invigorating! 
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Wolfman on June 15, 2020, 06:13:48 PM
2nd what jixu said.

You've got some serious "recovery muscles" by now Shade, you'll bounce back from this stronger than before. Take stock of what happened and treat it like a hole in a otherwise very sturdy ship that needs to be patched up. You're still afloat mate, the winds were just completely still for a moment.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 16, 2020, 04:58:42 AM
Thanks Orbiter, UKguy, Jixu and Wolfman!

And i agree with all of you. Today is day 3 and something is changed. Yet, i cannot put my finger on what it is. I only remember that when I O'd i literally said "Shit"... and i felt a sense of lost opportunity... not loss or regret but a missed opportunity.. That feeling has stayed with me for the last days and has made the effect of the 6PP stronger. It emphasizes point 5; Remember the feeling of the empty feeling after a PMO wank.

I feel woken up by my last relapse and the resolve in taking on the addiction is stronger than ever. I feel like the last month was me just tiptoeing and flirting with a relapse somehow. I was not fully motivated, fooling myself and hiding my true feelings.. Quick sneeky glances at P but not committing to the act (but secretly fantasizing about it)... No wonder i relapsed. I said i blamed my fatigue, but it was the result of a long foreplay that lead up to the relapse. I saw it coming from way ahead but chose not to defend myself from it.

Urges are present, especially physically since it's been almost a year since i've had sex. And although the wife and I are really building towards intimacy again, her enourmous setback due to corona in health is now blocking that as well. But, her now recovering from corona gave me the chance to do something i am REALLY good at; taking care of her. And with that i can comfort her, support her and just be there. And that has lead to us growing towards eachother a great deal more. I think this is the basis we want to have for good intimate relations.
We sometimes talk about sex and because it's been so long and that there is a lot of old hurt to recover from we are both a bit scared to engage, yet we both want to do so.
I think that when my wife will be physically capable of it we will slowly move more towards more intimacy with eachother, maybe not full sex immediately but a nice buildup towards it in which we will find the safety and comfort of eachother.

Today is day #3

For obvious purposes this is the failsafe mechanism;

1. I can recognize the urge to PMO
2. I will allow the urge to simply exist. I can't will it away.  I will just let it be.
3. I will find out WHY the urge is there and ask myself if there something inside of me that makes me want to resort to PMO.
4. I know that my urge is only temporary
5. I know the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank to well.
6. I will resort to a sort of emergency activity such as sports a chore around the house or a hobby that gives me pleasure when the urge is to strong




Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 16, 2020, 08:03:26 AM
What a comeback!

Jixu has a really good point I think. Sometimes we can reach points where we can become complacent in our recovery for whatever reasons and sometimes when things like this happen, it can be a invigorating and motivating experience pulling ourselves out of it and getting back on track with a renewed purpose.

While I may not be the right person to be making marriage or relationship observations, it sounds like the bond between you and your wife has benefitted enormously considerable progress in rebooting and your personal growth throughout. It warms the heart to read that you were able to be so present & supportive of her in this situation. Keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure there will be many moments of intimacy and good times to come.

Great job!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on June 16, 2020, 11:14:27 AM
Well done for getting back on the horse, mate. Sounds like you're definitely 'failing forward', which is the way to full recovery.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 16, 2020, 01:49:42 PM
Great to hear how you have responded to the slip Shade.
I really didn't appreciate that you and your wife had not have sex for so long. The way you write about your relationship, it seems so good, I just assumed.
It puts your journey in a completely different context for me. I may have 70+ days under my belt, but I assure you, that would not be the case without sex with my wife once or twice a week.
I hope that when you are both feeling healthy again, that you can make the steps together that you want - for both of you of course, but I also suspect it will make your recovery much easier by giving your sex drive a completely normal, healthy and loving outlet/release, rather than keeping the pressure inside and leading to intermittent relapse risks. That could be a great outcome for both of you. What do you think? Take care and best wishes.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 18, 2020, 06:37:12 AM
Quick check in: today is day 5.pmo free
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 18, 2020, 09:31:05 AM
High 5 for day 5 Shade. Well done.  :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 18, 2020, 11:08:36 AM
How about a low 5 for relapsing again?

Ill post more later, I've just talked bout it with the Mrs, and now I'm cooking


I'm not feeling terrible luckily.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on June 18, 2020, 11:57:01 PM
Hiya Shade, I finally re-found your journal and wham!, now I see my friend is struggling.
I don't want to say a bunch of cliche stuff but I can't help saying you're going to win in the end. You will beat this addiction because it's just no match for you.
Tomorrow will be day #10 for me.
It's been a crappy 2 days temptation-wise.  Out of the blue I got an email revealing some personal stuff from someone I don't know. It wasn't sexual but it was a facade to go to one of those sites. It kinda blind-sided me. I guess they got my email from somewhere I'd been. That site got the hamster spinning but I didn't bight. As a matter of fact I was pissed b/c the disguised email sucked me in and I was so stupid not to see it for what it was.
It's like subconsciously I wanted to be deceived. In retrospect I was fooling myself.
Hey man, sorry for using your journal space to rant. I should rant on my own dang journal.
How do you feel physically?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 19, 2020, 03:14:02 AM
Sorry to hear about your recent relapse but i'm sure you'll bounce back soon once you refocus your sights.

Not that it's really any of my business, but are there any circumstances in your life at the moment that may be contributing to the recent relapses?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 19, 2020, 03:46:48 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps, no worries. I can also learn from your rants and I'm grateful for you coming here to support me!

Orbiter, you are quite right. There are circumstances at the moment.

The company I work at is a total chaotic pit of uncertainty at the moment. I work at a small company and we make very specific sometimes custom high tech solutions/devices for academic researchers worldwide. With the whole COVID all universities have closed and so did our cashflow. So steps are being taken to minimize outgoing and with it also the payroll. To survive 2 employees will need to be fired. And while I am in a key position and I will not be fired, our CEO is an absolute idiot when it comes to these things and the way he approaches it is an abomination. There is no date on which these will be announced, he just leaves us hanging so to say. So even while i am in a safe place, the atmosphere at work is quite demotivated and stressed due to uncertainty to say the least. And this uncertainty is driving me nuts ( i hate uncertainty ). This combined with the fact that the 2 people that should be fired (absolutely not in the right position, not a match to the team, under performing and just being total dicks) are known not to be fired.. This is complete madness to me. So the whole company is in an uproar at the moment.

So yeah, there is a lot going on and i've let myself get swept away by it quite a lot. Anyway, my makeshift home office was in our attic, but I've just moved it to downstairs. SO when I'm working from home I'm downstairs and cannot be tempted into relapse anymore. Furthermore I've been going to the office a lot more so there is less me being alone at home behind the computer/laptop.

These are of course limitations that will help in the short term. For the long term it is what I already know; more rebooting and in particular focusing on point 3 of the 6 point plan; finding out what makes me want to PMO. To me this exact point is paramount to ending long term porn abuse and leads to understanding my suffering and thus the need to flee to PMO.


I don't know what more to write at this moment. I had an incredible foul mood this morning (and still have i guess) and for now i will focus on distracting myself a little (no P don't worry  ;) )
When I've calmed down i will assess how I am really feeling so that I can take appropriate action.


Today is day 1.
Mood = SHIT
Urge mentally =  non existant
Urge physically = normal
Other urges = expect to rise withint a couple of hours (food / drug / alcohol cravings ) they are basically a substitute gratification for porn ( and mental health)



Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 19, 2020, 04:10:50 AM
That's quite a lot to contend with Shade, and that's even before Mrs T's slow Covid recovery and your own health fears recently.

The only advice I can offer is to concentrate on focussing what is in your control:

- moving the office downstairs (very wise)
- the choices you make around PMO
- how you react to adversity

Rather than the things that aren't under your control:
- your boss being a dick
- the 'wrong' choice about the guys who will be fired
- the uncertainty around what might happen with the business itself

It can be summed up in the Serenity Prayer (valid whether you believe in God or not):

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.'

It's easier said than done (I know!), but being choiceful about what you focus your energies on might just help elevate you out of that place you find yourself in.

How is your wife reacting to the situation when you spoke to her about it?

Take care my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 19, 2020, 04:22:45 AM
Hello Shade,

It's good to focus on point 3. be aware that there could not be a clear reason at times. You eventually find out about it.

For everything else, relaxe as much as you can. In this period it's not necessary to live high standards and be stressed all the time, but to live with ease and a lot of rest in harmony with your wife. It's your body which will give you credit for it.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 19, 2020, 02:26:54 PM
Thanks UKGuy,

And the prayer is applicable indeed. I've been thinking about acceptance a lot lately and it's one of the keys to leading a less stressful life. implementation however is something entirely else haha.

Acceptance also coincides with what Imsorrynotsorry says; sometimes there is not a clear reason... And at that moment i will have to accept that.



I have a question for you guys..

Lately, since i've been rebooting i notion a weird pain in my balls and the ejaculatory duct after O-ing.. It's like i've been kicked in the balls..
When kicked in the balls you of course have the initial sharp pain but that then transfers to a sort of hazing pain in the testicles that moves to the ejaculatory tract... Its the hazing pain and the ejaculatory tract that im experiencing now.. Also it's all very sensitive down there..

Anyone have this experience as well??

Thanks guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 20, 2020, 09:41:11 PM
Hey Shade,

Sorry to hear of your recent stessors with work. These are indeed tough times that we are all living in and I can relate to many of the specifics of your work struggles. There's little else I feel I have to offer advice-wise that UKGuy hasn't already well articulated a couple of posts back but the importance of letting go of what we cannot change or control cannot be understated. Luckily there's still some hours in the day/week where we don't have to work and if there's nothing that can be done about the work situation, maybe those hours outside of it is the way to go.

Wishing you the best from afar Shade, hope things begin to improve soon.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 21, 2020, 02:05:55 AM
Hello Shade,

I remember me having a similar pain/feeling but months back. Not exactly a pain, more of a tense feeling in a testicle. Also everything was a little sensitive, like normal sensitive. Not the daily PMO sensitive. It faded after a week i guess.
Has it turned worse?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 21, 2020, 05:17:15 AM
thanks Orbiter for your words,

And thanks for sharing your experiences with weird sensations down there Imsorrynotsorry.

Responding to an earlier question from UKGuy:

How is your wife reacting to the situation when you spoke to her about it?

As usual, totally loving, caring and understanding. With a bit of sadness of course. But she's been an angel in all this.


The weird pain in my junk has subsided for now. The funny thing is that around new years i had a massive kidney stone (1cm long, 5mm wide and 3mm thick  :'( ) and the period before i peed it out i had similar sensations. But that was also around the time i did the first rebooting streak... So it's hard to say if i have another kidney stone stuck in my urinary tract or if it's symptoms of rebooting. Anyway, if the pain stays for another week im going to the doctor because the other things it can be is something much more horrifying.

I've been busy, and yesterday i went to a friend and we got high and drank, a lot! We listened to old style electronic music (like Jean Michel Jarre, Vangelis, Tangerine dream and all the old classics) It was an amazing evening and although i know the dangers of drinking, I felt so good while riding the train home that i had zero impure thoughts. Also, i was so high that i wouldn't have been able to perform lol.

Two days ago, on Friday I had the foulest mood ever. I'm glad that that day has passed because it was just a strain on me, my existence and our relationship. Luckily i was able to express my feelings to my wife and I just kept to myself until the mood had cleared...

Today i'm feeling good, and i've been thinking about the whole situation at work. I know it is out of my control but there is something that I can do about it.
While I am totally happy at the company and have a challenging job and amazing collegues, i feel that when the nepotism is taking over the firing process, i might go look for another job.
This because this company has been a tornado of instances similarly to this happening the past 28 months. It's not a single occurrence. So right now I'm in the process of casually looking around and casually talking to some recruiters. Nothing serious, but it is an option I want to explore.

Other than that there isn't much for me to share today. The weather is nice so i'll be working on the roof terrace.

Stay safe guys, thanks for reading

Today is day 3
Mood = Good
Urge mentally =  somewhat existing (did a small peek this morning... sigh)
Urge physically = normal
Other urges = craving for healthy things since yesterday I had a pig out because of the munchies from the weed
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on June 21, 2020, 03:29:22 PM
Hi Shade,  That "why?" question is rough as heck isn't it?
The last 3 days I've been wrestling w/ that re anger (a trigger for pmo.)
Why do I get angry? something looks unfair or seemed rude
Is it necessarily unfair? (people get drafted, leg blown off b/c of poor military move by a general..)
Was it really rude?  maybe he just didn't understand or was having his own troubles
What are the possible consequences if I express my anger? usually some are very bad
What are the possible consequences if I suppress my anger? I could boil over somewhere else
By that time I've usually figured out that that jolt of anger wasn't even worth thinking about.
There I go using up your journal Shade... sorry man.
That "why?"-type work is tough. But it's worth it for when the next guy/boss does something unfair/rude.
Hang tough!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 22, 2020, 09:37:24 AM
Hey Slurpie, no worries man, there is always something we can learn from each other.

Today is tough, brain fog, sluggish mood. I notice that I have very low defences and i get tempted a lot. But the office is now downstairs, which helps. Additionaly after peeking some this morning, ive decided to use a family safe dns on the router as well as blocking some urls of websites i used to go to.

At the moment ive noticed that I need more safety nets because im not in a good place mentally. The effects of my short bout of corona are still present. I notice it each day, difficulty sleeping, trouble laying on my back, very easily fatigued eith physical labour. All in all I'm basically constantly tired and not getting enough sleep.. And i am very sensitive to sleep deprivation. I am even unable to nap somehow due to light difficulty with breathing when laying ony back.

I gues I should be honest to myself (because I'm usually fooling myself) and recognize that i am not in a condition to battle this addiction ike i normally would. Extra steps beside the 6pp have to be taken and i have to account for the fact thst i can be weak and will try anyway...

Something that I also noticed after Mrs. Trenicin pointed it out to me, is that my self esteem and self love are very very low.. I need som self love (not the pbysical kind  ;)) i guess ill watxh some Tara Brach tonight


Today is day 4
Mood = neutral
Urge mentally = present due to lack of defences. I want to flee to it
Urge physically = moderate
Other urges =
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 22, 2020, 11:22:03 AM
Well done on the website blocking Shade - it's a good tactic. I used to do it and my wife had the password.

Just bear in mind that this situation - this fatigue, the after effects of the illness, the lack of sleep will all pass...be patient, and be patient with yourself (in addition to the kindness). You don't need to do anything else. Just wait, and the dawn will come.

Why do you think your self esteem and self love are low? That sounds like a different thing to the tiredness? What's behind it do you think?

Take care.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 22, 2020, 04:11:34 PM
Hey Shade,

Just want to drop some positiveness.
You are tackling your weakest spot. I would like to think the addiction makes us weak, because it shows us how we are not in control (not sure about the theory). And decisions on the ground of addictions are never solid, they are weak and often they don't even convince ourself. Anyway, your are tackling it which is the best you can do and that is very positive for you, your wife and everyone around you. Find solid ground and stay on track, have trust in what you are capable of no matter what you might thought yesterday.

It's all easy said, so one day things seem impossible but the next day is completely different.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: mr.slurps on June 23, 2020, 12:57:24 AM
Hey Pal,  Sorry to hear you're not sleeping well.  That is a rough one.  Quality of life suffers bad.
My brother had a heart attack today so I'm feeling emotional/vulnerable. We had a family father's day Zoom and he was talking about doing great stuff.
The lesson is that we really do never know. And the corollary, use the time we have for the best.
You seem like you're an energetic guy so this covid episode probably hit you on physical and deeper levels.  Maybe even subconscious/spiritual levels. My friend got it and he said don't underestimate that destructive force.
This is a long way of saying, "You better be kind to yourself or I'll hunt you down and lay a whuppin on you!" hahaha 
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on June 23, 2020, 01:45:27 PM
Hi Shade,

I hope you'll feel better soon. I also have some trouble sleeping recently. Just keep repeating yourself, that all those negative feelings are just a proof you are making it "out of the woods" instead of self-medicating constantly with PMO.
You will make it!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 24, 2020, 01:49:48 AM
Hey Guys,

@UKguy, i don't really know where the low self esteem / self love are coming from. It's that I've been feeling not myself recently and out of contact with myself. I feel like i am slipping into some old behaviours and they are not the ones that are good for my general and mental health.. In general when i feel good about myself, i tend to do less things that are bad for me.

Thanks Imsorry for the positivity. It is much appreciated and helpful, it really is!

Hey Mr.Slurps, i'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I will comment more in your own topic.
The lesson learned from this, about savouring life because you never know what will happen is a powerful one. Thanks for sharing my friend.

Hey KittyHawk, sucks right? The sleeping issues. Thanks for the advice, it's solid and very applicable.



So, it's still the same for me. Yesterday was a great day, it was the wife's birthday and we celebrated a little. She really felt that it was her birthday despite the corona restrictions and health problems. So that's a pretty positive thing! Other than that I am doing ok-ish i guess but the bouts of fatigue have worsened. Last night my wife couldn't sleep and she said that I am much more restless in bed while sleeping and that my breathing is much more shallow. And that coincides with how i feel because i am dead tired, like I've been sleeping less than 4 hours a night for the past week.

As you all have pointed out, the only thing for me to do right now is accepting that this is the situation and that it is finite. And that realization is pretty nice. But the sleep deprivation is really laying it on me hard. I think i should make a routine of some sort so that i have to think less and conserve my mental energy somehow.


That's it for now, today is day #6
Mood = ok-ish
Urge mentally = still present due to lack of defences
Urge physically is there but not so much
Other urges = to sleep lol


Thanks for reading guys, stay safe
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on June 24, 2020, 05:39:44 AM
Hey man, sounds tough. Well done for keeping onward. Yep, acceptance and patiently waiting for discomfort to pass seem to be the way!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on June 25, 2020, 05:04:36 AM
 “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

― Albert Camus

I feel one of the most comforting aspects of the finite nature of all things is that all our problems come to pass if we persist. These are tough times at the moment as believe me, as a front-line worker, I feel the pain of work stress along with the isolation and craziness of these times. I can imagine your recent health troubles are also weighing on you strong. Still you are bouncing back again, almost over the chaser and coming back to where you were.

Roll with the punches & stay strong Shade, you will prevail.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 26, 2020, 02:37:06 AM
Thanks for the support Joel!

Beautiful quote Orbiter, thanks for sharing that.

And you are both right; acceptance, patience and persistence through difficult times are what helps us through this difficult time.

This morning I had a small success. I woke up, somewhat fatigued, went down and in a brief moment was like.. "I could go on that site.."
But then it struck me: "Nope can't do that, because it's blocked and you did that for a reason, you will feel empty. Best go to the forum instead"
And I did! So
yeah
for building defenses. This was a subtle 6PP in action.

Today is day #7 and I still am not feeling 100%.
I went to work yesterday because i finally had a good quality sleep. But after about 5 hours, immense fatigue set in again. So I went home (where we have air conditioning in the living room  8) )
And continued to work from there (as i am also right now).

So lately I've been ranting about my work and I can say with some relieve that at least one of the people that do not match the company will be fired. And another 3rd one was being prevented from being fired by my supervisor. However, I can't share it with the rest of the company yet because my supervisor told me this in confidence. But for now i am somewhat relieved.

All in all on the reboot department i am feeling somewhat in the middle. I do have strong tendencies / cravings. Like an automated mechanism to jump to PMO. I have no idea why it is so tough right now. It feels like i stopped in the peak of my addiction (which was actually several years ago) i have really old cravings somehow. I'm very certain this has to do with my poor defences right now. Physical cravings are very volatile.. Due to the hot weather my wife walks around not wearing much, and it's very tempting to say the least. But i am able to manage the physical cravings way better than the mental ones. Normally I could accept that during times of high physical cravings a normal fantasy based MO could be justified for the sake of release, but in these times of mental fatigue i feel like i'll create a strong chaser effect that would be very hard for me to resist in my current state. So i will keep holding on to the hard mode for now.



That's it for now. Take care my friends.. I am rooting for all of you


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on June 26, 2020, 04:27:32 AM
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

― Albert Camus

I feel one of the most comforting aspects of the finite nature of all things is that all our problems come to pass if we persist. These are tough times at the moment as believe me, as a front-line worker, I feel the pain of work stress along with the isolation and craziness of these times. I can imagine your recent health troubles are also weighing on you strong. Still you are bouncing back again, almost over the chaser and coming back to where you were.

Roll with the punches & stay strong Shade, you will prevail.

For sure. But we sometimes have this feeling that we won't get out of the difficult times because when it's hard, it really feels like it's hard. However, we have to remember times when it was hard and then it got better and then we will now it will be like that this time too.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 26, 2020, 06:34:56 AM
Well done on activating the 6PP Shade, and I am pleased you finally got a good sleep.

I can relate very strongly to what you speak about with regard to work and desiring outcomes. I am going to write about it separately in my own journal as its a feeling that is dominating my life at present.

Do you share with your wife that you find her walking around tempting? Is this a bad thing? Perhaps she would feel flattered and it may help your return to intimacy? Would that help or hinder the current situation (for you both as individuals and as a couple)? Just a thought.

Take care.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 26, 2020, 07:43:23 AM
Hey UKGuy, Thanks for the thought.

The wife knows i find this tempting, but at the moment with all the corona stuff and warm weather there is no room for intimacy and i know of that. So she knows i find her extra attractive like this, but there is a sort of understanding that at this moment i will not comment on it (in the past I over commented and acted on it so its also kind of a delicate issue) Also, at this time I will not ask here to dress more, since the heat actively hinders her breathing. So its a double edged sword so to speak. For now i will just enjoy the fact that my wife is very attractive and do that in silence. To protect myself i will try not to walk up the stairs while behind her..

The whole intimacy thing is still delicate and we've talked about it some the last days and we are both also kind of ready for a child. But, we do agree that once the corona illness has passed that we will slowly try to focus on the intimacy and not immediately try to conceive..I've written here before that we just sort of need a lucky break in that and that that is what will give us the boost in confidence.. But for now, the Mrs. has indicated that her libido = 0 at the moment (while normally  her libido is higher than mine (at least my porn addicted libido)).. but after corona she has indicated that we could slowly try again..In the meantime I will focus on ridding myself of the addiction because some of my behaviours toward here are still like when I was addicted. So I am hopeful that we will find each other again.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on June 26, 2020, 03:39:46 PM
Hello Shade,

Quote
i don't really know where the low self esteem / self love are coming from. It's that I've been feeling not myself recently and out of contact with myself. I feel like i am slipping into some old behaviours and they are not the ones that are good for my general and mental health.. In general when i feel good about myself, i tend to do less things that are bad for me.

You said it quite right and i want to think of the feeling of low self esteem / self love also something that is just there for a time. Handle it like we would handle urges. Accepting, but not believing them and they will go away by themselfes. After that do something that is helping you feeling good about yourself, like going to sleep early or whatever and avoid what is bad for you.

For all the other projects i wish you and your wife the best.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Sanders on June 27, 2020, 02:26:48 PM
Hey ShadeTrenicin,

I'd like to write something insightful but there's already been already so many great pieces of advice, self-reflection and whatnot in your journal. Therefore I'm just going to wish you all the best of luck :) You've come such a long way already and your journey has seen great and difficult times of course. I truly hope you can persist in overcoming this addiction. Not hope, I trust you will!

Good luck, keep on going!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 29, 2020, 04:07:24 AM
How are you Shade? Sending positive thoughts to NL and wishing you a good week.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 30, 2020, 03:00:22 AM
Hey Guys, whatsup?

So I've been away for the weekend because we celebrated my wife's birthday over the weekend with good corona measures.. Was busy with a lot of it. But it was great!

Sad to report that i relapsed on Saturday afternoon while my wife was taking a nap. Also i didn't tell here this time because i didn't want to ruin her birthday. So up until now she still doesn't know. I will tell her this week, when the time is right. She is dealing with a lot at the moment with her recovering from covid. Also this morning i woke up at 5 and went downstairs played some games and almost relapsed again.. I stopped in the middle of it.. A belated 6PP.

So all in all, despite all that happening, I don't really feel bad somehow. I am thinking about why my defenses are so low at the moment and honestly, I still have no idea.
At the moment of me writing this I am home alone once more, but all the built up tension from this morning has not triggered me into continuing somehow. In fact, I'm feeling lucky that i didn't fully relapse and that has motivated me somewhat.

In the coming days I feel that I really need to dig into why i relapsed and almost once more. Somehow I feel less.. I want to say motivated but that is not what it is..
Anyway, i will let you guys know what I find because it's imperative that I do. The whole beating the addiction can me made or broken by this.

What might help in the coming period is that from the 6th of july im going back to the office full time again. No more working from home, that will help. Also this will help me keep busy and focussed so my mind has less time wandering off to things i dont want to think about.

The last thing I just wanted to say that it warms my heart that people send me messages on this thread and in PM for asking if I am ok. Thanks guys, it means a lot to me! Lately I have been struggling but this forum always kept me going!


Day 2




Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on June 30, 2020, 08:18:41 AM
Hi Shade,
Really pleased you both had a good weekend and birthday celebrations.
I think it's good that you're not being too tough on yourself after Saturday. You have both been through a lot over the past weeks. On a more positive note, great news that the 6PP kicked in today!
I am wondering what were the games video games? If so, what were you looking for in the games at 5am? Is it about distraction and escapism or something else? I know from my own mind that playing games (I have a soft sport for Fortnite!) can sometimes wind me up more, but also can sometimes act as a bit of a release when the time is right. I've found that picking the right time is important. Sometimes I might prefer to meditate, exercise, read or just be still as I have learned that it's a better route for my mental health and stress/anxiety levels than running around an island trying to kill a load of kids! (and invariably losing).
My other question is, what are the pros and cons of telling your wife about Saturday? Do you have a promise to always disclose? How will this help you and her, and will it cause any issues for you and her. I don't have a view on what is right or wrong here, but thought it worth asking, especially given that you've moved on past that incident now with a good result this morning - might it be a good opportunity to leave a positive memory of a great weekend for her, or would she want to know?
Stay well and strong my friend!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 03, 2020, 03:54:14 AM
Hey UkGuy,

You raise a valid point about the remembrance of her birthday weekend. Especially since she's going through a rough patch with the corona symptoms. It now has an official name; corona associated symptoms (CAS). She's being troubled with trouble sleeping and a lot of pain in her neck/shoulders/back. So she actually asked me not to relapse since she can't cope with grumpy me (I always get grumpy the first 2-3 days after a relapse).. So I've decided not to tell her about my latest relapse.

On a more positive note; being in the office full time has helped me a great deal. The days have flown by and I've almost not had any urges to PMO. As I've read somewhere else on this forum; the general attraction towards my wife and other fine specimen of women in the real world has increased a lot.. Especially in this hot weather it's sometimes hard not to look at certain women. Bloody hell! Shorts these days really do credit their name...

But i'll take it as a positive thing :)

Today is day 6 and im doing great! Had a lot of sleep the last couple of days. The situation at work is quieting down. Some of the 'right' people are being fired and things are looking better in terms of deals and orders.. At home things are also going great. As always the situation between me and my wife are great, we laugh a lot we cuddle a lot. And despite her having trouble sleeping and the pain, her situation is actually finally improving albeit slowly.

So overall Im doing well. In hindsight the uncertainty in combination with lack of sleep was a killer for me. I've also learned that in these times it is all the more needed for me to talk about my emotions because i've kept them inside and that lead me to out them in more negative and destructive ways (grumpyness and PMO).. So this is the lesson learned for the last couple of weeks.

Take care guys and thanks for reading
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 04, 2020, 02:10:53 AM
Sounds like a lot of good decisions have been made both with your wife, work and getting back into the right mindset to stay away from the PMO. The necessary focus of working in the office might be in someways beneficial as you will spend a good amount of the week away from all the environmental & situational triggers at home.

Lots of positives indeed, it's great to hear.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 04, 2020, 04:16:02 AM
Thanks Orbiter!

Today is the start of day 7. Residual fatigue from that weird corona thingy. Had an excellent 8.5 hour sleep last night, but after making breakfast and the grocerie shopping list i am completely drained somehow. However, it luckily is physical fatigue. Mentally I feel fine.. Had a mild urge to MO in the shower.. And although I do not see the harm in a quick MO in the shower, these days i do fear the chaser effect.. So i will refrain from that for the coming time...

Overall I'm feeling positive about the coming weekend and to spend it with the wife.. Trying to make a nice situation while still at home, so we are going to make dumplings ourselves and i might make some fresh pasta while we enjoy a nice glass of wine. Just us having fun in the kitchen..

On the part of my emotions, yesterday was both a good, weird and bad day.. I was overall feeling good. And at noon we had a video call with our psychologist.. The talk was fine (as it always is) but the last 15 minutes this immense lack of nourishment feeling struck me and it had left me with a continuous feeling of under nourishment throughout the day (in hindsight this is also some residual corona symptom).. But due to that feeling my mood worsened at first towards grumpyness and then it switched to just being emotional (which is positive for me) and that has led me to face my own feelings some more.. Also in the talk with the psychologist we came to the conclusion that i must pick up my 3 mindfulness moments again.. I have no idea why i stopped doing them, because they are a great help to me!


Anyway, that's it for today! I hope you are all safe, sound and porn free!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 04, 2020, 09:33:53 PM
Hi Shade,

Good job avoiding the chaser effect. One MO is not the end of the world but on day 7 might be a bit early for it. I don't know about but I have found MO often does very little in easing urges and at worst makes them worse. Good to hear you've still been able to make some quality time with Mrs Shade despite your recent physical & emotional periods of exhaustion.

What was the three mindfulness moments about again? You've probably explained them in your journal before but I can't remember.

You're going strong again Shade, keep it up!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on July 05, 2020, 02:32:50 PM
Sounds tough, Shade. Good work keeping it together; and glad you have something you can pick up again that sounds like it works. Wishing you a soonish recovery!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 06, 2020, 01:25:26 AM
Thank you Joel.

And thank you Orbiter. About the three mindfulness moments, i don't think I've mentioned it on here specifically. But in general it is to be more aware of my own feelings/emotions/physical tensions so that i can better address them. This also really helps in finding the underlying reasons for PMO.

So today is the start of day#9.
And until now on the urge front, both physical and mental, I'm doing quite well. Emotionally it's still a roller coaster for me. Yesterday i came to a realization and following that realization, I've drawn lesson from something that UKGuy has mentioned. Specifically on where to build that wall of resistance. Until this day i do sometimes make the mistake of looking up an actress if I am watching a movie/series and I find her attractive. This causes the mind to go wild. And this is something that for me can be a prelude to a relapse a couple of days later. So this is something that i need to kick out of my system.




Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on July 06, 2020, 04:08:22 AM
Until this day i do sometimes make the mistake of looking up an actress if I am watching a movie/series and I find her attractive. This causes the mind to go wild. And this is something that for me can be a prelude to a relapse a couple of days later. So this is something that i need to kick out of my system.

Definitely. When I do stuff like that, the pictures remain in my memory and torment me for days. It's enough when this happens after I see something by mistake, I must not do it intentionally too. There is no "a little bit" or anything "safe" with this addiction. The only way to do it is how William used to say, starve the addicted brain completely. Avoid the stimulation. I know sometimes it's easier said than done, especially when it comes to thoughts and flashbacks but we must make an effort to distract ourselves from those too.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 06, 2020, 07:25:07 AM
I still struggle with thoughts and flashbacks myself. My strategies to manage them revolve mostly around avoiding them to begin with. It's hard to stop the slide once triggered but the less we PMO, the easier it gets.

As Icandoit said, starve the addiction. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 06, 2020, 08:59:27 AM
Don't be too hard on yourself Shade. Whilst aspects of our past behaviour are unhealthy, I think we must remember that we are human, male and in your case thirty something (and therefore sexually charged). I can tell you with 100% certainty that I would not have been able to avoid masturbation (even if just quick, get it over with for the release) if I wasn't having regular sex with my wife. It can act as a natural release and it may (I think it varies from individual to individual) be more appropriate to allow some release rather then withhold, withhold withhold, and then major relapse. I guess the issue is if it extends beyond a release every week or so into a more frequent habit, or if what we are feeling and thinking when we do it starts to engage different parts of our brain that we don't particularly want to engage (e.g: fantasy). Maybe there's a thing called mindful wanking? (or if not, it sounds like a great self help book title!) All joking aside, take care and be kind to yourself.

So day 38 no porn.. Day 0 no fap..

I had a wet dream last night... and this morning while I was home alone for a brief moment, I flapped again.. No porn just fantasy.... But fuck, why is it so difficult to control myself... You say that you don't want it, but your mind plays tricks on you..
I'm actually kinda bummed out by this...
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Sanders on July 06, 2020, 10:48:10 AM
Hey,

I'm going to side with UKGuy here, mindful wanking seems like a good excersice. I've read that you and your wife aren't intimate because of a wide variety of circumstances, is she however okay with you masturbating while with her? I had a talk with my wife about it and she actually preferred if I did that while she was aware of it and with me, rather than me in the shower or hiding from her.  I noticed that for me it helped when I did MO, it was in a time of feeling neutral. I didn't want to cheer myself up for being sad, or reward myself for doing something good. When the day was alright and I felt good, just a relaxing release.

The chaser effect you've mentioned makes it more difficult. Does that happen after each MO, or does it happen when there are certain circumstances involved? Anyways, best of luck! Rooting for you :)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 07, 2020, 02:43:50 AM
I had a talk with my wife about it and she actually preferred if I did that while she was aware of it and with me, rather than me in the shower or hiding from her. 
This is a really interesting point Sanders. It might not be for everyone, but one of the big benefits I see in it is that it eradicates the dishonesty and duplicity of scurrying away somewhere when the chance presents itself to indulge alone (whether PMO or just MO. Given that that type of behaviour is likely to drive shame, which in turn drives us back to PMO, it could be a really helpful tool for some. Cheers.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: EarthWalker on July 07, 2020, 03:46:06 AM
I think there are some good points here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abiG_eBwSjA

Why do we do it and what effect does something have?

My view is that with P there are only negatives with one exception. The only positive thing about P is that it pushes us to level up quite a lot in all areas of our life.

With MO I see it as a mixed bag. It is not all bad and it is not all good. Here I think why do we do it and what effects does it have come into play.

I remember sometimes after MO I feel more alive, have more energy and want to do stuff. Each time I am bewildered. WTF. Why do I feel better and have more energy after a MO? What sorcery is this? Other times (most times) after MO I just feel lethargic and more depressed. Clearly there is more to MO.

I think there are 2 different scenarios:

1) The sexual energy builds overtime like water in the dam. We have an overflow situation. With MO the overflow energy is released. Water level returns back to optilmal levels. Feel better.
2) The sexual energy is stolen. Water in the dam might or might not be high. But it is syphoned off. With MO that energy (that we need) is syphoned. We feel worse, less energy.

My theory is also that:

Women have smaller dam and more water flows naturally, so there is not as much of pent up sexual energy to deal with than in the male body. Genetics play a role as well of how large/problematic the dam is.

I also believe with "inner work" our dam can get smaller and more water will flow naturally.

Best wishes to everyone.
EW
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 09, 2020, 10:26:21 PM
Noticed it's been awhile by your (admittedly high) standards since you last posted. Everything going ok I hope?

Looking forward to an update soon.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 11, 2020, 04:59:31 AM
Have no fear, ShadeTrenicin is here! Yes, i've been away for a couple of day. I just couldn't be arsed to be honest. There was a lot going on and I did not have any energy to go onto the forum. So let's start of with a status report.

Today is day 14. But, three days ago while not being able to sleep at 5:30 i did look at some P.. i closed it... and 30 minutes later to help me to try and sleep and MO, but without P and more importantly just on normal fantasy. I've also done a MO on day 10 in the shower.. Thusfar, luckily not much of a chaser effect. But i do notice the change in my brain due to the release and the fact that I've watched P. Especially the P watchin is something i've noticed. Afterwards i am more down and irritated and have a shorter fuse so to say.. It's like i've been teasing my brain with it but not letting it indulge. My brain apparently responds by giving me a fuck all attitude.

Last night i'finally gotten a good nights sleep which is the first time in about 7 days i'dd say. Somehow I'dd continuously wake up the moment i fall asleep, something to do with the backfire from COVID. I've been tiptoeing around it, but I have to admit that I must've had it because at some days a short walk to the supermarket will leave me dead tired for 2 days after. Coming monday i'm getting the blood test to check if i have the antibodies.
This continuous lack of sleep was a huge challenge to me for not relapsing and for me the thing to accept is that I am suffering for COVID after effects, just like my wife. But luckily not as bad.

Another point of stress is that a couple of days ago in the shower, I've noticed a lump near my balls. It freaked me out, a lot and luckily i was able to have a doctors appointment the next day. The doctors checkup was fine, a little more intimate than i'dd envisioned lol, and the doctor told me he did not see any reason to panic and that the lump felt normal. But to be sure, i'm getting an echo. So, within a weeks time i'll have 2 strangers fondling my junk.. not the kind of intimacy i was hoping for lol.

About the whole MO thing with the Wife thing Sanders and UKGuy. Thanks for the ideas of those and also at mindful wanking (that has got to be the best title for a book ever indeed!). The wife and I are very open about our masturbatory behaviour towards each other and there is no shame, guilt or reason to hide it. However, due to her being sick this is not the moment for me to do it while near her or watching her. It's something that we sometimes did, or even do it together. But not now.

The mindful wanking is actually something that i've been thinking about since i used to handle myself with quite a firm grip which i do not see as positive. So being more focused on the sensations rather than focus on the objective is always a great idea. Especially in sex.Whenever i do MO i try to do it mindful and not forceful.

All in all, despite circumstances i'm doing better than expected. I've picked up the mindfulness exercises again and they help in being more aware of what's really going on. I'm not at the place I want to be yet but im working on it.


Thanks for reading my friends!






Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 11, 2020, 05:08:06 AM
I was writing this at exactly the same time you were writing you last post Shade (I got a warning when I want to press 'POST'), but I thought I'd post it anyway. Glad to hear things are going well.:

Hi Shade, I noticed that in your selflessness, you had written on others journals, but not updated your own. How are you, how is work? I also saw the post that your wife had made from early May, and found it very insightful. She seems to be a very good person, and I think you are both fortunate to have each other. I didn't want to reply to her directly (also, I noticed her post it was on your account anyway), but had a recommendation regarding her physical pain. I went through a part in my life 10 years ago, which I won't bore you all with here, but basically I was left with chronic pain following an operation - it got very out of control and I ended up with a period of depression which lasted for c 4years. Fortunately I am completely fine now, but it took my a long time to overcome it. Central to the depression was my battle with the pain. One of the resources that I found extremely useful was called 'Breathworks', and is run by a lady called Vidyamala Burch. You will find it on Google very easily. Her book 'Living Well with Pain and Wellness' is meditation based and is excellent. It just might be useful. Please also tell your wife that her English is fantastic (she indicated in her post that she was not native English). I have worked with lots of Dutch guys in the past, and whilst I know that levels of English literacy in NL are high none of my friends/colleagues are anyway near as good as you two - I bet many guys on here don't even know you're Dutch! Anyway - I digress. Let us all know how you are and goede dag to you both!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 12, 2020, 12:23:15 AM
Hey Shade,

Sorry to hear of the continuing health troubles and difficulties with P. I may be wrong but could the 'fuck all attitude' be somewhat of a defense mechanism for feelings of defeat & dissappointment? It's natural to feel that way of course when stumbling from such exhaustion but it can also serve as justification to have another look so I hope you tread with caution over the next few days.

Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me, I can relate as i've lived a life filled with many nights of 4-0 sleeps (periodic insomnia since childhood :/ ). May I ask what you're using to look at P during those hours? Do you get up and go to the computer? Is there a phone in the bedroom. I've noticed quite a few of your recent relapses seem to be at these hours in this particular situation. Is there a strategy perhaps you could use to deal with this particular problem? Maybe something to think about.

Mindful wanking sounds good on paper...do you reckon it may be a trigger though? I was trying it a bit earlier this year myself but I always wound up relapsing shortly after. It could possibly be an option after a certain (long) period of being completely clean, maybe.

Either way, it is good to see you post again on the forums. Your support & insight are as always, invaluable and greatly appreciated by all of us.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 12, 2020, 05:02:39 AM
Orbiter, you are absolutely right. The fuck all mechanism is a defense mechanism and will eventually lead as a justification for relapsing or taking a peak. That's why such an attitude is dangerous.
I will take your advice into account and be extra weary. I already noticed it this morning. A mild chaser effect combined with a form of justification.. It is as we all know; a quick peak a couple of days ago will almost 100% build up to very specific urges and now in my case with thoughts of justification.

At night i use my cellphone to look at P, I hadn't left the bed (yet). This is a trap for me, and it's something i struggle with every day. Sometimes I manage by not putting my phone in the bedroom. But after a while it will creep back in. While I was typing this I discussed this with the Mrs. and I asked her to help me enforce the no phone rule in the bedroom. Let's put words into action so to speak!

Once again you are also right on the mindful wanking ( i can't get over the title  ;D ) it will still pose as a trigger in the form of chaser effect. But I also notice that i do need release every once in a while since the wife is incapacitated. The trick here will be to find a proper balance.. I might try every 2 weeks or so, to see how that works out. This is because i've noticed that after two weeks i become seriously wound up. I will have to see how this goes along the way.

UKguy, I've already send you a private message, but once again thanks for the kind words and the recommendation! We've ordered the book you suggested as well as another book you've recommended on here; Rewire: change your brain by Richard O' Connor. So thanks for sharing that part of your life and the recommendation, it sounded like you had quite a rough period in your life there. Are you now free of pain?

So today is day 15 already! ( Go me! ) and today I am feeling quite well. We arose at the very decent hour of 09:00 (am for the non 24 hour users) and we had breakfast on the 99% finished roof terrace in the sun. I did some finances, we cleaned some ( the part that the cleaning lady does not do) and now we are both doing things that are good for or mental health or personal development.  Later today we will go to the gardening center to finalize the roof terrace with some plants and flowers.

Enjoy the last day of your weekend guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 13, 2020, 01:36:25 AM
Congratulations on the 15 day mark. Sounds like it was a nice, productive, wholesome day spent with Mrs T which is just the sort of thing being in the depths of this addiction can rob us of. Go Shade!

Good on you for identifying the cellphone issue. I almost never bring mine into my room anymore except when i'm making a call (sharing a small apartment with another person during lockdown will do that) and I can't state how much of a difference this has made. I have a cheap digital alarm clock I use for my alarmsand the charger never moves from the living room. Of course, your situation is unique to you and the best strategy for you will be one of your own but even identifying it and writing about it is in itself a huge step yes?

Regarding the 'mindful wanking', if you feel you can manage the chaser then by all means do what you've got to. I am in some respects in a good position in that I do not have a wife or girlfriend to trigger those urges throughout the week. Though there were other issues there, I do remember struggling with this a lot more when I was in a relationship.

Wishing you & Mrs T good health and a positive, productive week ahead!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 13, 2020, 03:59:02 AM
UKguy, I've already send you a private message, but once again thanks for the kind words and the recommendation! We've ordered the book you suggested as well as another book you've recommended on here; Rewire: change your brain by Richard O' Connor. So thanks for sharing that part of your life and the recommendation, it sounded like you had quite a rough period in your life there. Are you now free of pain?

Yes, I am pleased to report that I am completely free of pain Shade. In the interests of openness (in case of anyone else is here that has experienced similar), it was pain following a vasectomy. It is fair to say that it ruined my life for 3 or 4 years - I was extremely depressed, lost my job etc. It took me a long time to dig myself out of the well but was able to and learned so much about myself in the process, including how my reaction and fear to stuff I read online when the symptoms first occurred massively amplified the issue - I'm definitely a more complete person for having gone through it and understand my mental health much more fully. Another great resource in terms of understanding physical pain is an Australian guy called Lorimer Moseley. His work is awesome (a word I seldom use!) On other matters, I have to credit the Richard O'Connor book to WIPUK, and although I'm only part way through it, it's excellent.

Good luck this week - sounds like the weekend was a great one.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 13, 2020, 03:37:29 PM
Hey Guys,

Just an update, i am on here as a premptive strike against urges. Wife and I went to bed early but I couldnt sleep. I was hungry and my mind was racing. SO i went downstairs and now I am typing this.

hope you are all having a nice porn free day/evening
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 13, 2020, 04:08:22 PM
Stay strong Shade!!! Sending good thoughts your way! Wishing you a good night’s sleep my friend.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 14, 2020, 08:09:28 AM
Great job on the pre-emptive strike Shade. Hope the urges eventually subsided and you were able to get a good rest in the end.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on July 18, 2020, 11:02:50 AM
Hi Shade,
I have been reflecting about this too.
My father in law is an alcoholic. He last had a drink over 25 years ago, but he still attends his weekly meetings as if he didn't, he knows (or fears) what would happen. It's therefore become a way of life for him, and as a consequence he has developed some wonderful friendships and become something of a mentor for others who are not yet as advanced on their journey.
I was wondering the other day (On Joe's thread I think), what happens to the guys that leave here? How many of them stay clean vs relapse? I don't know the answer of course, but what I do know is that even if they have become 100% healed, by leaving they are passing up an opportunity to continue to help others, to become mentors, an inspiration - and that is something that I think they would benefit from as much as the people they are helping. I'm not judging at all, but why wouldn't you want to lend a hand to a brother in need? It makes you feel good, especially when you are appreciated. It perhaps it makes the pain you went through all the more worthwhile because you are able to use the learnings and experience to help many more people (and their partners/kids etc) avoid that suffering. At the same time...it also keeps you clean. I don't believe that 90 days is sufficient to 'reboot an go' like some kind of hard drive erasure. This is an ongoing process and engaging in it on a long term basis is central to one's continued recovery and sobriety. This for me, has been the missing piece of my jigsaw after years of trying to tweak my own plan - I would be foolish and complacent to think I could do without it. At the same time, we have to guard against apathy, the joy of finding others to share with starting to diminish, the sense that the forum has done its job (for us) and there are other things to move onto. That fatigue is natural in any activity or venture, and I think being aware of it in ourselves (almost like being aware of triggers) is the best way to ensure long term engagement within the community, and as a consequence more likely positive outcomes for all. I'm not planning on going anywhere yet, and look forward to celebrating your 90 days together!! Cheers my friend.

Porn addiction is not an easy addiction. I thought it was when I started my recovery journey and then I realized it was super hard. I don't like saying this but I have this feeling that a lot of people won't make it. I've been on this forum for longer than I've been a member and I got to see people who are done with this addiction and they are definitely less than the others still fighting. Because it's not easy. Some people stay away from porn for a long time and then come back. The people who are completely done with this is smaller. But I still have hope than all of us members here will be one day done with this shit. I don't know how realistic my expectations are though.

Also, I think it benefits recovered people to still come to this forum, just like recovered alcoholics still go to AA meetings. I see this like a reminder than you should still be careful because it's easy to slip. Helping others reinforce the reasons why you want to stay away from porn and I think it could also be something like: "I can't relapse and let those guys down that I've been trying to help." I remember in the past I had an accountability partner on nofap and I went longer than normally without porn because he hadn't relapsed and I didn't want to relapse either.

And some people obsess too much about this 90 days thing, like they are completely cured after this period. 90 days is a good start because it's long enough to see some improvements and a good goal to have in mind but it could also be a burden because 90 days seems long when your streak is 1 day long. Right now this is my 5th day and I want to take it easy and think about making it to 1 week first, forget about 90 days cause that's a lot right now. I'll think about it on 85th day mark or something (I hope so). Peace.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on July 18, 2020, 05:13:31 PM
Staying away from P is constantly walking away from it, because the addiction is always trying to push you back. There will be no comfort with P anymore in a life of a guy who was once addicted. Bottom line, it's the fighting against it that is very honorable. One could do nothing, but we are here together doing something. There is no easy way out, take everything you find that helps you to add another day to your list.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 20, 2020, 03:02:08 AM
How are you doing Shade? Hope all’s well in the Trenicin household?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 20, 2020, 08:44:53 AM
Hey guys,

A quick update from me, i've been away a lot and not active since 6 days.. I'm having a hard time to be honest. I'm constantly tired and it eats away at me. I've been ignoring the fact that I have (post)COVID symptoms and i've just been going and going while in reality a short trip to the supermarket will leave me dead tired for hours. My sleep is still terrible. Waking up multiple times a night, neck pains. This all combined leaves me with little mental energy to cope with things or go on the forum. MO-ing is a no-no.. to much chaser effect and at the moment way to much urges than I can handle..

I've decided that in order to survive this i have to reorganize my priorities.. I've been neglecting being sick to much and by doing that pooring my efforts into the normal life.. But my efforts should be poured into getting better, meditation, self care and good food (yes my bad food consumption has shot up)..

So today (i'm still not fully into the new priorities) i've called in sick. Tomorrow a new covid test since i now have a full on cold with runny nose/sneezing/coughing/headaches etc.. I'm actually practicing physical distancing from the wife since we don't know if she can be re-infected.

Anyway, let's not focus on the negative but on the positive;
1. I've started this day with a mindfulness exercise
2. I've started reading the book Rewire: change your brain by Richard 'O Connor (recommendation by UKGuy) and so far I have a LOT of recognition.
3. Tonight we will eat a very healthy meal
4. I'm checking in every day on RN again
5. It's mu birthday  8) turning 36 today. I'm now closer to 40 than 30 lol

Because I've done the obvious stupid thing and stayed away from here (because no energy) but that is a big trap. I SHOULD be coming on here when i have no energy to deal with things. It's that wall of protection that I need. So from now on I am checking in daily again.

Thanks for reading guys, it wasn't a quick update as I thought it would be but fuck that. I'm glad to be on here. I've actually missed it.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 20, 2020, 03:50:16 PM
Happy Birthday Shade!                                                                                                             
Wishing you health, strength and a good night's sleep.
Good to see you back and active, despite your challenging circumstances.
Take care.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on July 22, 2020, 02:18:33 AM
I echo everything UKGuy said. It's good to have you back and wishing you all the best, good health & sleep. With the ongoing issues with health & sleep, are there some things, even small things, you could do to make things a bit easier on yourself through this?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 22, 2020, 05:00:52 AM
Hey guys,

Thanks for the well wishes and support. It means a lot to me.

I feel bad in a weird way for not being as present and supportive to you guys as much as I normally was the past weeks. I've been struggling with my health and one of the things that has also been impacted by this is my cognitive performance. I have noticed that understanding and keeping up with the things I read is difficult (even more so in English since it's not my mother tongue). That's what I haven't been so active in posting in the other threads. And although I have no obligation to do so, i feel bad about it. Also because I miss it. I like the idea of being supportive because in my opinion it's one of the biggest virtues a person can have.

That being said, in response to orbiters question; yes i do have positive things to pick up. It sometimes is difficult to properly get a persons way of thinking on a forum due to the lack of intonation and facial expression but I am in fact a really positive guy. So I do always try to make the best of everything.  One of the pitfalls in this is that I sometimes tend to be overly positive about things i.e. supressing the real emotions. But that is something that has greatly improved while on this forum (Yay forum). But while at home I do still bond more and more with the Mrs.
The night before yesterday we had a 3 hour conversation about the addiction and some of the more extreme aspecst of it (one if which is my P induced preference which now sickens me and quite possibly traumatized me) and that is something that she found really, really difficult to process. It has been something that we have not really discussed and also something that I have not fully come to terms with. But although this conversation was dreadfully heavy to discuss we did it with the outcome that we grew more and more together. It has had quite an impact on both of us the next day but I also found that it rejuvinated my sencee of commitment to getting rid of P.

One other thing is that I've been playing the piano a lot more lately. I've been picking up theory and technique as well as picking up my own composition as well and trying some more challenging pieces. Right now I'm breaking my fingers at two pieces. The first is from Debussy; Tarantell styrienne. It's difficult but making progress is really rewarding. The other one is called The heart asks pleasure first from Michael Nyman. Not as difficult to play, but the intonation between hands is somewhat challenging.

Another thing positive is the half yearly appraisal at work that I had. Most of the areas at work i've been praised above average with the exeption of all things regarding planning and prioritizing. Those are true struggles for me. But I hope that the book Rewire: Change your brain will help me with that in a way that it will help me to not procrastinate planning and organisation as I always do. With a shoutout to UKGuy who  got the tip from WorkInProgressUK.

The health department is still ups and downs... Right now I have a big cold of which I hope is not COVID (Again).. I've had myself tested and hope to get the results today or tomorrow. Other than that still dealing with fatigue but sleep is getting better.


Thanks for reading guys!

Stay safe

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on July 22, 2020, 01:36:05 PM
Wishing you a speedy recovery, bud!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on July 22, 2020, 02:28:21 PM
Belated Birthday congratulations Shade.

You are on the right track, even though P and other things are challenging you. Stay with it, sooner or later you will succeed.
Get well soon, focus your energy!

Imsor
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 24, 2020, 03:55:37 PM
Hey guys.

Lately i've been talking a lot about my health and not my addiction. So today I will talk more about my addiction.

In the conversation I had with the mrs. a couple of days ago we discussed the extreme preference i have developed due to years of porn use. It somehow is something that i still have not fully come to terms with. It's something that disgusts me and worse, i still have flashes towards. Because I find it difficult to come to terms with it i notice that it has been pushed to the back of my mind. But the problem with this is that i cannot process it. I'm afraid to face that part of myself. But in order to change myself i have to get over this fear and face my former self. I did not really know how untill this afternoon.

I had a therapy session and i explained the situation to her (she knows about the addiction) and she mentioned that allowing and facing this part of myself is a perfect exercise for my mindfulness practices. I can conjur up the thoughts/feelings that I have about my p induced preferences and observe them without judgement. Try to work towards acceptance of that part of me. After a small while I will have to focus on the now and try to let go of that part of myself. I'll see for the coming days how this will work out.

Also, now that I have gotten some good sleep days in I can see more clearly now that my days have been unstructured and without purpose. This in itself is not a bad thing when everything is in order. But this is not the case here. I find that I have limited energy and I need to spend it well because if i do not do so, I will create pitfalls and opportunity for the addiction. The remedy to this is that I start using my daily planner again. In any case it will help me conserve energy as well because as a person with ADHD i need the structure. Without structure my life is a series of events bound together by a thin wire that seems to have no order. And to be honest it is like that most of the time. It's the same as with the addiction; you have to fully acknowlegde it before you can do something about it. But somehow i've never really accepted the fact that I have it and by doing so i've blocked a lot of my own potential and created negative unconsious patterns in my life that are now very hard to get rid of (again, same as with the addiction).


That's it for now, thanks for reading

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on July 24, 2020, 04:15:44 PM
Hey Shade,

just dropping a late comment before going to bed.

We all have come to places with the addiction we wished we never entered, but we did. I'd say, i didn't voluntarily want to see the stuff i've seen, it was the addiction holding my hand leading me deeper and deeper in the rabbit hole. So much for who is to blame for. Now, with the education of PMO i know that extreme preferences are symptoms and is nothing i want to experience in real life.
If advice is welcomed, i'd say you can accept what happened and face that it was there until you get the feeling of 'you are okay with it'. At this point this symptom is weak, at every other point the symptom is present. In general i don't think that this aspect needs a lot of enlightment, but this only counts for me. We all have our own ways. One last thing came in my mind: Maybe it's the perfect place to talk about this in your therapy session and not with the wife to protect her from that. She then knows 'he's handling that in therapy' and mustn't have concerns about it, to strictly separate this part.

Get well soon.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 28, 2020, 04:24:25 AM
To quote the legendary popstar Britney Spears; " Oops I did it again".. Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...

I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

I've decided not to tell the wife of this instance. I want to, I really do because I find a lot of comfort in being honest and open about this. I also don't like lying about this. The lying about it is what tore me up before everythign was out in the open. It made me feel so alone and isolated from my wife.
But at the moment it's the lesser of two evils. During her recovery from COVID minor disturbances between us have a lot of impact on her mood and that is reflected in her sleep and general wellbeing which is affecting her recovery. So I have to be strong and manage this instance on my own because she cannot cope with the extra burden of knowing that I relapsed. Luckily I have you guys so not all is lost.

So, what have I learned from this?

1. Again, small triggers and peeking build up to a relapse 9 out of 10 times
2. Phone in the bedroom (i managed to do 2 nights without before it re-entered)
3. Sleep routine; make sure I am better able to sleep so no energizing activities 1 hour before bed
4. Keep learning about my pitfalls and learn to rewire my brain



Thanks for reading guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on July 28, 2020, 06:31:15 AM
Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...
I guess everybody has been through stuff like this. I certainly did. Actually, I'm going through it right now. I've been triggered hard yesterday and now I feel that hand trying to push me to relapse. But messing with porn never leads to anything good. Our brain is used to abuse and it won't be satisfied with "just a little". Maybe it's not today, not tomorrow, but it builds up eventually. No porn touching is the only sure way to avoid going out of control, that's why it's a terrible idea to spend time online unless you really need it.

Quote
I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

Of course, the brain will try anything for dopamine. What I've noticed is that thinking about the post-binge misery never really helped me. After a binge, I would tell myself "this is the last time, I will remember how I feel right now and never let myself feel like this again", only to "forget" about all this in a week. It's like the misery is a distant memory now that doesn't feel bad anymore. I had to think about a different approach to this. A lot of guys used to tell me: "Think about how you feel after a relapse." I did, but it felt so distant and not painful at all.

As addicts we should never negotiate with the addiction. I can't remember how many times I've told myself: "I will only do one PMO, 15 minutes, one scene, cause the urges are killing me and then go on. It can't hurt me that much, right?" Only to see myself murdered by the chaser effect and binging and edging all day without control. Which brings me to what I said above: If you don't touch it, you can't burn yourself. There is really no room for "a little" when it comes to addictions. This is something that we have to learn: To stay away completely from stimulation. Staying away completely from searching for anything stimulating and avoiding the hypersexualized thoughts. Starving the addiction. Only like this we can win. It's not easy, especially the thoughts part, but it's a must.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 28, 2020, 07:15:12 AM
Hey Shade,
Worry not my friend - the horse's stirrups are very welcoming when we fall.
I know you are very switched on with your emotional awareness, but I have a practical observation which I thought mentioning...
Would I be correct in recollecting that most of the Britney moments occur at night time (or very early morning)?
I recently got into a habit of waking up in the early hours and going for breakfast cereal before going straight back to sleep. I started to believe that it was necessary to go and eat the cereal before I could go back to sleep which was of course nonsense - I do make sure though now that I eat some for supper immediately before bed if we've eaten our main meal early.
Even if waking in the night and going downstairs is something that you can't avoid (and I know you struggle with sleep at times), I presume there is no reason at all why you need your phone at night? Is there something that you could do to build a bit of a barrier to the phone at those times? - as daft as it sounds, I heard once of a guy investing in a safe with an access timer (they're available on Amazon!). It did the trick for him.
It might be something you could share with your wife and ask for her support in - a positive development rather than an admission which may distress her?
Either way, take care.



Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on July 28, 2020, 03:46:32 PM
Hey Shade,

i'm not a fan of making Britney jokes in terms of PMO relapse. It's just the funny approach, that doesn't feel right, for me.

I think you should do something about the situations of relapse with serious measures. You know about the situations which are hard, you know that all. If you have the power right now, try to do something against it.
Relapsing is one thing, but seeing triggers, knowing that a phone at night isn't helping at all and still do it, sounds a bit ambiguous to me.

If i'd be a doctor with PMO as a special expertise, i'd advice 10 days of no phone from 8 pm to 8 am. Exceptions, ask the wife.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 29, 2020, 04:59:20 AM
Hey Guys,

Thanks all for the much valued input.

@Icandoit Messing with porn will virtually always lead to no good, no matter the form. I think that a zero tolerance policy should be used in this. What you mentioned about your brain telling you 'just one last time' and then to forget all about that is something that I really recognize. This is something that for me, directly correlates to something UKGuy said and Imsorrynotsorry also observed.

@UKGuy and @Imsorry, you are both totally right in the fact that I am aware of a lot of things on an emotional level but the practical side of things is where I leave a big openening in terms of defenses. I know what my triggers are, when they are, what could happen and how I would feel, yet I do not anticipate myself in these moments. I act as if I can beat it on willpower alone. This is ambiguous indeed seeing as it directly goes against something I say in the 6 point plan; I cannot will it away.

So if I am completely honest with myself (which you should always be in beating an addiction) I could say that I was fooling myself the last couple of weeks and that I have not given the addiction all the attention and effort that I should have given it. In this case, I have myself to blame for the relapse and not the addiction.

So thanks Icandoit and UKGuy for the support and thanks Imsorrynotsorry for telling me how it is!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on July 30, 2020, 02:39:54 AM
Don't be too hard on yourself Shade - self kindness not self blame! You've had a lot to contend with recently.
I think the role of the practical interventions are to recognise that we can't beat it by will power alone, or to use WIPUK's metaphor that the 'path to Brighton' is wider and more well worn. The practical interventions are there to put a roadblock on the path to Brighton and force us down a different route whilst the weeds and bushes grow on the path making it less easy to take in the future. Take care and have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 02, 2020, 04:37:39 PM
Short update, i have been busy. I did manage to keep the phone out of the bedroom since my last relapse. Sleep has improved and therefore less urge to relapse.


Will update more elaborate soon.


Take care guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on August 03, 2020, 02:38:40 AM
Great news Shade. Sounds really encouraging on both fronts - no PMO and better sleep. Have a good day.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 03, 2020, 04:16:12 PM
Hey Guys,

A more elaborate post today as promised. I've let the forum slip to the background the last couple of days, it's something I don't like.

Had a rough weekend, some struggles with the wife. Because she's still struggling with that damn covid virus she's still fragile. But, I've been ignoring my own symptoms as well. Because lately, besides the bouts of fatigue, i've been having a lot of brain fog. Not the post PMO brain fog but a covid brain fog. After PMO its a day, maybe 3 in bad situations. But the last couple of weeks have been a haze for me. I didn't even see it myself, it had to be pointed out to me. So because of this i've been extra forgetful, scattered and frankly left me in a unaware state of mind most of the time. This also explains the relapses i've had the past weeks.

Now, as learned from previous posts and comments; I know what's going on; now how am I to respond to counter it.
As said yesterday, my phone has not been in the bedroom for almost a week now and I've experienced it as very positive.
I've talked with my manager and informed him of the stuggles i'm having on the cognitive part and I'm making a doctors appointment. If only for having it documented.
I've started using more to do lists at work and at home. It's not perfect but I'm working on it.
Actively trying to watch less tv (which is something I easily do when I'm tired) and replace it by walking, going on here or reading a book
The other thing I think I need is to approach situations with an approach similar like the 6PP, key point being that I recognize that I am tired or scattered. Because in those situations I am most susceptible to a relapse.

That's it for today, thanks for reading guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 04, 2020, 04:07:02 PM
Quote
As said yesterday, my phone has not been in the bedroom for almost a week now and I've experienced it as very positive.

A key sentence for me. Changes like that are easy and only need a few discipline but they can work great positive energy. Hold on to that.

How do you feel when it comes to your self esteem? Do you do enough for your good state of self-being?
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 07, 2020, 01:25:16 AM
Thanks Imsorrynotsorry,


As well as the phone not being in the bedroom is going. I've noticed that being alone with my phone is a trigger on its own. I do carry it with me all the time. But I also always know where it is. So for instance when I am going for a bath, I will bring it and that in itself is a relapse possibility. If I am going for a nap in our bedroom and I bring my phone with me (which would be a violation of the no phone rule) it is a chance for a relapse.

conclusion is not that my phone is the relapse trigger, but the question of why do I feel the need to bring my phone with me to occasions where I am supposed to unwind and relax?" To me this question at the moment is an important one.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on August 07, 2020, 05:59:08 AM
Thanks Imsorrynotsorry,


As well as the phone not being in the bedroom is going. I've noticed that being alone with my phone is a trigger on its own. I do carry it with me all the time. But I also always know where it is. So for instance when I am going for a bath, I will bring it and that in itself is a relapse possibility. If I am going for a nap in our bedroom and I bring my phone with me (which would be a violation of the no phone rule) it is a chance for a relapse.

conclusion is not that my phone is the relapse trigger, but the question of why do I feel the need to bring my phone with me to occasions where I am supposed to unwind and relax?" To me this question at the moment is an important one.

The brain associates things with porn relapses. It could be entering your bedroom where you watch porn all the time, it could be bringing the phone with you to your room because you watch porn on your phone etc. Dopamine raises and it makes you feel good and that watching porn is the best thing you could do in that moment. Rearranging things around to trick those associations could help, like moving the computer away from your room, living the phone outside etc. It's like, when I went to work, I didn't experience any urges but when I returned home and entered my room BAM! Before I knew, I jumped on the chair in front of the computer and pistoned my leg up and down impatiently while waiting the computer to turn on.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 07, 2020, 03:43:45 PM
I see the complexicity and it is the exact same thing with me or almost everyone today, who uses as smartphone. We're 'married' to them. For me it helped to make some digital detox, like deleting all unnecessary apps (especially social media and games), don't use my phone when there are other people around me, which is way more respectful in my opinion, but i'm a hardliner on this.

What i really wanted to point out: You've decided to let the phone outside of the bedroom. This is going well so far. Now, how much discomfort does this cause you? Is this something you can imagine doing 6 months? If yes, decide on yourself how long you want that to happen. With that strategy i want to avoid you looking at every situation in your life with the phone and just start with one very specific situation. All the other situations you can point out later.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 09, 2020, 07:11:29 AM
Personally i'm a firm believer in both leaving phones out of the bedroom and minimizing the concerning dependency we all have on them in general. It's such a simple thing to do but the difference it can make to our lives is considerable. I banned my phone from the bedroom mid last year and since then i've made leaps and bounds not only in my ability to stay clean for longer periods of time but also my sleep has improved considerably without having it as a crutch. Also I feel the time between going to bed and falling asleep is an important time of the day to reflect, process and, if necessary, accept and make peace with the events of the day. Obviously these are merely my views and experiences and we're all different, but I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing all the same as it clearly works.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 09, 2020, 08:07:30 AM
Hey Guys, thanks for all of your imput, support, advice and general recognition of the things I struggle with, I post it in newcomers threads often, but the recognition from other fellow (ex)addicts really helps you feel less alone.

Icandoit; You are totally right in the fact that my associative mind correlates my phone in bed  and being on the computer/laptop at midnight with porn use.  Regarding the dopamine thing; what I've also noticed is that when i do peek at P but not MO i also get cranky and thrown of the next day. Like i've had a placebo encounter in which the brain expects certain behaviour but does not get it..What you describe as coming home and somehow magically sitting behind the computes is what I had when the wife went out and I was home alone. That would be an instant click and all of a sudden in sitting behind the screen pants on my ankles so to speak..

Imsorrynotsorry; we are married to those devices. It's funny that a device that could bring humanity so much good is wasted on dumb mindless and useless stuff like social media, gossip, spreading of hate and porn. I already deleted fb a couple of years ago and the only 'stupid' thing i now watch is 9gag.. But i've already deleted that app a while ago and I now occasionally browse it.. But I don't know why it brings me nothing.

I also like what you said about the question of how much discomfort not having my phone in the bedroom brings me, because i've asked myself that question as well. And the answer is zero; in fact it adds comfort.

Orbiter; I to have noticed an increase in sleep quality and the wife and I now also use it in terms to reflect on the day. We ask eachother the following questions; 1, name three things you are happy with today 2. What are you grateful for today? This really helps in getting closer to eachother but also in seeing the positive things in life.


That all being said; I did relapse two nights ago so today is day 2. As you might expect; the expected pitfall. We slept downstairs due to the heat (it was 37/38 (98 - 100 for the american people on here) ) because there we have airconditioning. But i couldnt sleep so I've decided to try it upstairs in bed and in an oblivious state i brought my phone. Couldnt sleep and PMO'd to pictures. It was as short one, but a relapse none the less.

The next day I did tell my wife who was, of course, very supportive and forgiving. Today we also talked about it and I told her about the previous lapses in judgement. The conclusion is that the main problem is sleep related. This has been especially hard during the times that I myself had difficulty sleeping due covid. We also discussed that I find it hard to get a long period clean of relapses. So we've mutually decided that I am going to focus on a single month for starters. And then we will observe, recollect and look forward again. But the following rules apply; no phones in my direct vicinity. Active website blocking via my PiHole raspberry Pi device (this is something I use for blocking adds, so why not use it for blocking porn? And a fully open and transparent policy towards when I have had a relapse or only peeked at porn. This last thing is important because i've noticed that although i thought it was best not to tell at certain times, that the stress of not telling was also a trigger.


Thanks for reading guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 09, 2020, 03:20:01 PM
Hello Shade,

Great what you've planned. For starters a month is a like a huge mountain and you cannot even see the peak. I wish you all the best for that, the energy and willpower one will need for that. Remember the 6PP, the urges will fade.
Those night moments when there is no sleep is when all the other protective measures are sleeping aswell, you know that. Therefore i wish you good and chilly nights.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 10, 2020, 04:39:35 PM
Those night moments when there is no sleep is when all the other protective measures are sleeping aswell, you know that.

Very true words, thanks! To deal with the sleepless nights we've thrown the whole house upside down; we're both sleeping in the living room because that is where the airconditioning is lol. So we're both sleeping on  our mattresses in the living room in a nice 22 degrees celsius (beats the 30 degrees in the bedroom).. I am always hoping for steaming nights in the bedroom, but not like this lol

Urgewise I am doing okay-ish. Felt sluggish the whole day due to this thick moist blanket of unrelentless heat. Why is it that in commercial property the a/c is always serviced when needed the most? The office was almost unbearable so I went home a little early. We had some dinner, watched some tv and played with the new kitten. We've been talking about a kitten and now seemed like the perfect time because my wife is constantly home and we wanted to bring something positive in our lives to distract a little from the constant covid struggle. This seems to be working very well :)

I'm also thinking on where I want to be at the end of the year, but most importantly on the how of it. I've been on this forum for a nice 8 months now but I feel that I can do better. Not in a beat myself up kind of way but more like I think i have not grasped every opportunity to beat this addiction. So as indicated earlier I will now first focus on a single month. It may indeed seem like a mountain, but I've done it before and I know that I can do it. Lately there were  a lot of struggles and I've let them get the best of me. The easy thing would be to blame external influences like sleepless nights due to heat or stress or whatever and while those make it more difficult of course, in the end the true fight is within and how you deal with the setbacks or extra challenges. It is that wall of defense  that you see mentioned on here often. Because sleepless nights can most of the time be anticipated and because of that actions can be taken to make sure that there is no relapse.

So for me the how is staying on top of it. When I've scrolled back through this thread and also pondering about the past months I notice that I let my attention slip after a while. I get complacent. I allow the urges to creep back in and have not always fully committed to my own deviced 6PP. And the 6PP is not enough. The 6PP is great as a last defence but there should be more defensive walls in place. One of those is seeing the gradual build up towards a relapse. From my experience it is not a 'momentary' lapse but a sequence of events and choices in the days before the relapse. It is the recognition of that mechanism, getting insight in my own self-sabotaging behaviour before it reaches critical mass.

I will ponder some more on this.


Have a good one gentlemen

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 12, 2020, 02:36:33 AM
Today is day 5 and i've noticed the urges coming back again. Already yesterday.
Sleep is still terrible, even with the ac unit blasting at full power. So the last couple of nights were not good. Therefore I have to be extra careful of relapsing since sleep deprivation and the loss of cognitive strengh (i.e. willpower) really cuts into my defenses.

Fortunately we both sleep downstairs so there is nowhere for me to go to to relapse, this already takes away the opportunity and with that a great deal of the automated mechanism. Phone is still far away from where I sleep.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 12, 2020, 06:49:01 AM
Good job staying vigilant Shade! Managing urges at day 5 is hard enough but fatigue and that loss of cognitive strength makes it so much harder. All the more important to stay away from any screens during this time you've identified as a dangerous one. Just ride it out a few days more and the worst of the chaser effect will be behind you.

You can do it!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 13, 2020, 03:39:58 AM
Thanks for the support Orbiter! It's much appreciated!

Today is day 6 :)
Yesterday was ok i guess.. The heat wave is still very much present, sleepless nights are also still a thing. Had a nice quick chat with the Mrs. yesterday after we watch a documentary series and one of the episodes was about tantra.. At the start there were quite some suggestive images (not nudity) but suggestive enough so I told my wife that it triggered my urges. She was happy that I told her and we briefly talked about why I am doing hard mode again. It was a relief to talk about it and I noticed that afterwards I felt more relaxed and less tense.

So for today the program is heat, combined with more heat. But somehow i'm getting used to it. The phone routine while sleeping is still in place (YES!). The next step would be to detox myself from that device. I notice that when I am not feeling 100% at ease I immediately grab my phone (much like P) In fact my phone is a substitute for P in a way.


Edit; let's hope this heatwave is gone soon..Because when driving through the city I work in (it's a city with one of the bigger universities and so a lot of female students living there) I came across a body of water with a LOT of very nice looking girls who didnt even bother to sunbathe in their bikinis but just their thongs.. oh man.. luckily I was driving and could not pay a lot attention to them...


Thanks for reading guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 14, 2020, 02:14:38 AM
Day 7,

Man the urges are strong today! I'm struggling, but luckily I am at work.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on August 14, 2020, 09:41:17 AM
Day 7,

Man the urges are strong today! I'm struggling, but luckily I am at work.

I know, bro. I've been through this 1000 times. Don't peek, don't edge to porn, don't even think too much about porn. It's tightrope. if you manage to minimize the arousal, you have a chance.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 15, 2020, 02:20:07 AM
Thanks Icandoit,

Day 8.
It's still pretty hard (literally and figuratively lol) the urges are really strong.. But luckily they are for the majority physical and not specifically aimed at porn. Although, the automated mechanism in my mind will link arousal towards PMO.
Another difficult thing during the physical arousal is my wife. She's beautiful, has an amazing body and during these heatwave times she wears very light dresses that accentuate everything.

The positive side of this is that my arousal is for the most part aimed at the wife and not porn. And, although we can't do anything right now I am pleased with this. I will try however not to give to much attention or I will drive myself nuts.

So, it is vacation time for me :) 2 weeks no work and already some nice things planned. 2 nights away with the Mrs. next week, driving my friends new speedboat today and beachtime with the wife in the coming days. I am very happy and exited for all these plans and i'm really looking forward to the next couple of weeks to spend working on the house, with the wife and doing nice things with the wife now that she's slowly able to do more things after that covid shit.


That's it for now, will keep you all updated

Edit: wife went out for her trainng walk, and as soon the door closed the old mechanism kicked in. Decided to come on here for accountability and after this post I will read Rewire: Change your brain
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 15, 2020, 05:08:37 PM
Stay strong Shade! Remember everything you've learnt about your urges, the hungry ghosts, use the 6PP when necessary and keep yourself busy and you'll make it past this i'm sure.

Keep up the good work. You've got this!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 15, 2020, 05:34:06 PM
Give the lessest amount of thoughts and time to P, skip that.

Know absolutely the situation with the wife, respectively the GF, but just stay focused. She's there and she will be there. Living with the right amount of lust and libido is just what we want to have. And in the end we want to satisfy that with natural and healthy intimacy.

Stick to your phone plan, just be in those moments and maybe think of Tara Brach how to stay there, accept it, let it be.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 16, 2020, 03:05:54 AM
Hey Guys,

Thanks so much for the much valued support and advice! It really helps. The hungry ghosts, 6PP and self love have paid of so far. So thank you!

Today is day 9 and the urges are still there. But that's ok. Got a nice day planned of visiting my mother and later on (if the weather allows for it) a visit to the beach. 

Later on i will also read up on the other threads



Thanks guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on August 17, 2020, 01:11:00 AM
Hey Shade - great to catch up on your diary and read about your renewed resolve and progress. I can feel the energy in your posts that seemed to have dwindled a little back in July. I'm really pleased for you. Seems like the phone controls have provided a good practical tool. Keep at it my friend and as you always say to us..."I'm rooting for you!"
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 17, 2020, 06:31:25 AM
Thanks UKGuy,

While I am still struggling with urges (I am already anticipation challenge later this day when the Mrs is going to recovery therapy) but I have a plan in place, but my mind still thinks I can go on those webcamchat sites... But i know that it's not worth it and futile.

I've actually already have my workout yoga mat and weights in place, playstation lined up and the forum constantly open. I am getting go that 1 month hard mode no matter what.

It's day 11 so that will be the beginning of september. For the coming 2 weeks i have time to think about what the next milestone will be (probably 60 or 90 lol)  But if it;s also going to be hardmode I don't know. While the wife has expressed that she has the desire to start being intimate again (YES!) we still have to be patient.. If she walks up the stairs her hearrate is still 140 bpm so i don't want to know what happens when we are getting physical again. But that's ok of course. I know that we will not immediately are going 100% at it with the intimacy again. We're going to take it slow to get to know eachother again and i'm actually looking forward to that because i've never been intimate with her outside of my addiction. I'm very curious what the future will bring on that end.

That being said, after the 30 days, depending on the level of intimacy with my wife, i might have to introduce plain old MO again just for relief sake. It's much needed because lately i am just almost constantly in a ready state and that is also distracting.


Anyway, day 11 today and feeling good about myself :)
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Icandoit on August 17, 2020, 07:13:08 AM
I like to set myself smaller goals because they seem easier to achieve, something like 5 days, 7 days (1 week), 10 days, 14 days (2 weeks) etc. Like this, you have only a few days to go before the next milestone. Thinking about 90 days right from the start might make you feel like it's a long way of suffering to get there and it might not feel so easily achievable when your streak is small. I don't know, this is just my thoughts, you don't have to follow it if you don't want to.

Also, about masturbation, it helped me get to 42 days, my longest streak, but it was very difficult as it created a hard chaser effect and craving for porn. Big care is needed.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 17, 2020, 10:24:34 AM
Sorry to interrupt but MO isn't helping because it induces chaser effect. It helps a bit maybe, but for long runs it's better to stay away from it, or even stay away from O.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: recovery000 on August 17, 2020, 12:11:09 PM
Glad to see you are feeling good about yourself. Keep up the good work. Plan activities for your days of leisure, and unplug from the online world whenever possible. Wishing you a great week!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 17, 2020, 12:57:13 PM
Life can be amazing. Today my wife invited me to lay on the couch, she joined and helped me unload.. Holy shit I needed that. This really sparked some joy and newfound confidence in us rebuilding our sex life. It was the first time since the reboot that we had a sexual encounter, but it was amazing. I felt like I could totally surrender to her and let everything take it's course.

Today is day 11 and I am relaxed and happy :)

Now this will be the first time that I have O-ed with the Mrs since i've started my reboot so I am curious what kind of chaser effect this will induce and how strong it will be. Will keep you all posted guys!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: BabySteps on August 17, 2020, 01:22:05 PM
Hey ShadeTrenicin

Congrats, orgasming with a real partner is a step in the right direction buddy. The chasers effect might be strong, but at least you have a partner to share your fears with.

I'm rooting for you too!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 17, 2020, 04:22:03 PM
Nice to hear that things worked naturally and you both enjoyed it.

This is the direction, you're on track.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 18, 2020, 03:11:16 AM
That's great to hear Shade! Sounds like a positive step in the right direction. I'd imagine it must be extra nice to finally be reaping some rewards for all the hard work you've been putting into this reboot. Keep up the great work!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 18, 2020, 06:55:39 AM
Hey Guys.

So I have something to share on day 12. I thought day 12 would be an amazing day because I just had intimacy with the wife and it was amazing. But, today some really nasty old habits came to the surface today of which i thought i'dd shed them. Somehow it seems that the whole concept of orgasm for me is linked to that dopamine dip or something that comes after it because today i was snappy and inpatient with my wife. While i did not experience the negativity and shame like after a PMO i do feel the bad mood the day after. WTF is this shit? My wife was really hurt because she took a big leap of faith in approaching me and she had to muster up a lot of courage to take that step. And while the intimacy and the evening after was wonderful, somehow I started this day in a very snappy and annoying way. And this is how it used to be, almost always the day after sex i was more distant, testy and in general not a nice person to be around. So for her it felt like she was punished for showing vulnerability and opening up, she felt used in a way. And I understand that, because this kind of behaviour is something I want to let go so much. In hindsight it might have been something that I could have seen coming or at least could have anticipated.

My question to you gents is; do you have any similar experiences?


There is also the matter of addressing that yesterday while my wife was at physical therapy the thoughts of PMO in my mind were much more severe than I described because it took me a lot of effort on not giving in. Frankly I should have gone out the house myself when she went out just to be on the safe side. The whole situation this morning and the severity of the urges yesterday show me that I still have a long way to go and that I simply was complacant and overconfident in myself. Maybe even subconsiously setting myself up.

I say subconsiously setting myself up becuase there is also a similar thing happening with me that UKGuy described in his post about his relapse; letting go of mindfulness, eating less healthy, not working out . In general not taking care of myself. To me taking care of myself equals self love and self love is for me the ultimate motivation for getting rid of P addiction. It has in fact been a slow decline over a period of months into my old habits and i think that another relapse could soon have been expected if i would have followed this path.

What happened today with my wife has shook me to my core into how deep rooted this addiction is and it has shown me that I bullshitted myself once again.


So what's next?

Simple preventive measures
Entered Cisco Family DNS into router
Blocked various websites on router (to be on the safe side)
Reset the router password and my wife has set a new password.
Thinking about a way to block mobile access to sites

Self care
Eating more stable and healthy (join my wifes endeavors)
Working out ( Join my wifes exercise time )
Start the day with a mindfulness meditation / ACT meditation



I have got to shed my old ways of which i part so difficult with


Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 19, 2020, 02:09:56 AM
Hi Shade,

Sounds like a very difficult flood of urges & emotions you are going through right now. From my experience, when I was going through the early stages of rewiring the last time I was in a relationship, I had a very similar dopamine dip/emotional crash to PMO-ing after each time, I personally think this is due to the association of intimacy & PMO. The good news is that I found after more 'moments of intimacy' the comedown & chaser became less severe to the point where it was quite easily manageable and I could just enjoy the afterglow without having to worry about any consequences. This is I believe a big part of rewiring.

Have you talked with her and explained your feelings? I'm sure you have but if not, I feel this could go a long way as this could be the start of such an enjoyable journey for both of you, it would be a shame for it to stop at the first hurdle. At the end of the day, you know what the right thing for you is better that I do but I do feel this is a natural part of the process of healing.

All of this can be managed either way because now you know what can happen, you're prepared and you've got strategies to address it. Stay the course you've set for yourself and I feel like you have a lot to look forward to.

Keep up the great work!

EDIT: Don't forget to exercise forgiveness & compassion to yourself as well. This is part of the process & part of healing. Your good intentions, love for your wife and desire to grow are what truly matter.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 19, 2020, 09:18:37 AM
I experienced similar emotional states. Me blaming my GF for things for instance.

But in general when someone is avoiding the drug, the brain reacts to this with grumpy mood or angriness or frustration. This is how it wants to turn us back to PMO, so i think some mood swings are relatively normal until the brain and the organism are rebalanced.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Leonidas on August 19, 2020, 09:43:31 AM
I am in the less experienced category, but I'll offer this: the tug of war or hot-and-cold behavior is something that borders on the norm.  Get too near and the reaction is to push away; be too distant and the reaction is a curious desire to be near!  Might the vulnerably she offered be something that is 'too much to handle' and make you run for the hills?  What kind of dynamic between you and her do you imagine working out as 'just right'?  Mind you, you are probably 10 steps ahead of anyone who has yet to establish a romantic relationship: the hardest part is to vanquish fear of intimacy and to stop the cycle of avoidance present in so many of us in recovery.

As Orbiter mentioned, self-compassion is where it's at.  It means forgiving yourself for past transgressions but also caring for your health, through exercise, diet and social connection.

As for the router/modem stuff: I believe the best filter you can offer yourself is the one in your own brain.  From what I have heard from others and my own experience, the less reliant one is on passwords and filters, the better off one is.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on August 19, 2020, 12:42:00 PM
Hi Shade,
I'm delighted that you and your wife got to the point where you felt you wanted to explore some intimacy again and hope that this is reflective of Mrs T's improving health, and your sexual reawakening as a couple - you both deserve that.
I think Orbiter nails it 100% with his comments. Openness, honesty, love, self compassion, and the courage and patience to keep trying together as you work towards fulfilling your potential together.
I think that progress in this regard can perhaps help your overall struggle, but of course that can't be the primary motivation for intimacy together (which I know it's not with you as you are a very selfless guy).
Good luck my friend and look forward to hearing how you both get on. Rooting for both of you!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 21, 2020, 01:28:32 AM
Hey Guys,

Thanks for all the responses, support, pointers and advice. Whenever I log on and see that, it warms my heart. The love i'm getting from this forum is one of the things that keeps me fighting to beat this addiction. For my wife it was also a relief that there was recognition in your comments. For her this is the confirmation that it is indeed addiction related and that it's final.

@orbiter; I have / we have talked about our feelings and dealing with them, especially short after 'the incident' is quite emotional because there is a world of old hurt hiding behind that single incident. Two days ago we went to the beach, walked along the shoreline and talked about that we are both still fighting for it and that this is just a first hurdle as you said.

@imsorrynotsorry, thanks for sharing that, it was a relief for me and the Mrs to read that it's not just me.

@Leonidas thanks for the insight! I don't know exactly how to respond to your question about running for the hills in the face of vulnerability; but there si definitely something going on in that area. I know that for sure. It was I who opened up and presented myself as vulnerable and it was great. It's actually where I see myself and us going to. I was always very closed and robotic during intimacy. So being open for once was an eye opener for the both  of us. The fear of intimacy is something that i do indeed need to address to stop that cycle of avoidance. It is one of the key, maybe even THE key-factor in my whole recovery process.

You are also right about the modem/filter stuff but I was feeling a bit out of it and felt the need to secure every option.

@UKGuy Thanks for the kind words and support. Great point you make about the progress being used on the overal struggle. I've been thinking about this and looking for a way to seam it into the grand scheme of things regarding beating the addiction.


The whole forgiveness and self-love is still something i do not actively, i've noticed this two nights ago because I set myself up to relapse once more. I was once again in bed could not sleep hungry as hell and really warm. So instead of going downstairs without my mobile phone i took it with me. Ate some, drank some and BOOM all of a sudden i'm watching P and gave in. Stupid thing about all the filters and stuff; IF i turn wifi off on my phone; no more filters. Once again i am self-sabotaging. Something was different about this specific relapse because of the aftermath. Unlike other times the fact that I just relapsed really hit me hard. I went to bed again and still couldn't sleep. My mind kept racing as if it could not connect the dots. I felt lost and without myself, could not understand why I relapsed just a day after the intimacy with the wife and the incident thereafter. "WHY?" i asked myself. Somehow i got really sad and I've actually spent a good half hour crying in bed. I kept going on about why I did it, why so short after the incident and why I keep setting myself up to fail.

That is the main question I'm getting out of this; I set myself up to fail; why do I want that. And with that question I keep coming back to self love and self forgiveness. I have no answer at this moment, but I feel that this is the direction i need to walk in.



today is day 2!

I've got planned out for today:
ACT meditation with the wife
healthy breakfast with the wife
Workout with the wife
Therapy
Visiting family for lunch which I am looking forward to
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 22, 2020, 03:41:05 AM
Day 3,

I've noticed a very obvious bump in my mood for the past 3 days after the relapse. I have been glum and feeling overal demotivated and down.
Luckily i've recognized this feeling and took control by making a small planning each morning even though I really did not want to. But it has helped me a lot the past days. It helped me in giving me purpose and direction. Also, every time i've felt a negative emotion or mood coming up i've tried to address it by saying it out loud to myself or the wife. This has led to me being able to separate my temporary negative feelings from my actual self. In doing so my mood greatly improved and I was able to enjoy the last days.

Last 3 days every day i've started with meditation and a small workout. After this post I am going for a short run (my stamina is really bad) but I need the sense of accomplishment. Later on today I will fix some roofing and do some gardening!

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on August 22, 2020, 03:44:35 AM
Hey Shade - did you ever read that book 'Stop Thinking and Start Living'? It has some really good bits in about mood and the relation to thoughts. Listening to what you are currently saying, I think it may help. Enjoy your run, have a great weekend and take care.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 22, 2020, 05:06:50 AM
Hey Shade,

I'm thankful for your honesty. I can understand how you feel and i want to tell you be soft with yourself, you are fighting against it and we can't win every battle. You again learned something, might it be big or small, but this is the right way, coming here and reflecting.

Your relapse could have something to do with the O you had with the wife. This can also induce a chaser. Have you ever thought of going hard mode? No O at all costs for 90 days? Some guys say that an original hard mode is the only way, but for that you need your wife to be ok with it.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Georgos on August 22, 2020, 06:22:57 AM
Hi Shade, I've found your journal now, I don't think I ever really read it when I was in this age bracket, when is your birthday, are you moving up to the big four oh this year?

I hope your succeeding in your battles with P, I often talk about how anything that distracts us from our daily life can be P, but in truth, the common meaning of the word, images of perverse erotic nature, is the reason we're all here primarily,

As you probably know, there has always been a debate about what images are halal and what are haram, to use the words of the ulema scholars, who generally get their knowledge from the study of books rather than direct intuition, but what we can say is that images that promote abuse in the minds and actions of people should be forbidden,

In Islam there is actually a scale of acceptability, it is not just the polar opposites of halal and haram there are other degrees whose Arabic labels I forget but can look up for you, basically it ranges from those things that are obligatory to those things that are forbidden with degrees of advisability inbetween.

I don't know what kind of images you have been looking at, I have tried to be honest and open about my fetishes and the reasons I have been drawn to them which I still don't fully understand, though have made a lot of progress in deciphering,

Psycho-analysis can sometimes do more harm than good, and self-analysis can sometimes be the worst,

Keep up the good work, and look forward to hearing from you soon,

Peace.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 23, 2020, 03:33:29 PM
Hey Guys it's day 4!

I've noticed urges to peek again today. But i totally had it with that. So i've installed BlockSite, bought a subscription for 6 months and immediately blocked all the websites i visited and set a password i no longer remember. I now believe that my web filter is quite me-proof. I have to agree on an earlier comment by Leonidas that the best filter is ourself, but at the moment I've just plain old had it with this addiction and I do not want to take any chances.

@UKGuy, I do not know the book but I will add it to my booklist. I still need to finish Rewire though, so I will first finish that and after that I might buy the book. THanks for the tip!

@Imsorrynotsorry, thanks for the support and call for self love. I do understand the pro's of a full 90 day hard mode reboot but Im trying to do 30 first, only with O with the Mrs. It may or may not work out, but to me at this moment I now know what to expect after O-ing with the Mrs.

@Georgos, i've just turned 36 so i'm still a couple of years removed from the big 4.0 ;) My battles with P are going in the right direction but it's not as I would like it yet. But I am fighting the good fight and learning each day.
Being honest about our preferences and how they became our preferences is a crucial part in fighting this addiction. And although we cannot always understand them, we can accept that they are simply that; formed fetisjes by porn.


So, today was day 4 and still experiencing this weird mood. It's not like being depressed but more like seeing how things are without any feelings attached to it. Nike therapy has helped the last couple of days (Just Do It). I don't really know what to write anymore.

I am going on a small 3 day vacation tomorrow which I am really looking forward to, so I will stay online but will not post as often as I usually do.


Take care guys and thanks for reading!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on August 24, 2020, 03:52:15 AM
Hi Shade,

Great to read you've taken so many proactive steps since the last relapse. Relapses are always unfortunate and always feel terrible & disappointing but if we can learn the lessons that are there to learn, we can harness this to 'refine' our strategy of recovery and that's always a positive.

I'm not sure if it's a subconscious projection of my own desires for companionship & intimacy, but I still think the 30 day & rewiring is the way forward. Re-connection with others and our own innate, natural desire is a part of this journey & sustainable recovery and if it's something we will inevitably have to start, why not now?

Wishing you all the best, enjoy your 3 day holiday away!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 25, 2020, 03:28:13 AM
Yes, just do it. The brain fog / mood is normal after a relapse. It will get way better after some days (i'm sure you know that, but i say it anyway for reminding).
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 27, 2020, 08:50:27 AM
Hey Guys! Today is day 8 already.

The weird mood is slowly subsiding and i've noticed a very important thing. Ever since i've blocked all my access to P my productivity skyrocketed. In all these years i've always been someone who had trouble with getting things done, planning etc. And i've always accounted it to my ADHD and lazy personality. However now that i am not able to access P and I've tried to adapt the just do it mentality i notice that i am very very productive all of a sudden. I am very pleased with this. The other side is that the past few days i've had trouble sitting still lol. But still, I am happy with the result!

So urge-wise I am doing okay! We came back from our 3 day mini vacation a day early because of the bad ventilation in the room, horrible matrasses and the breakfast was terrible as well. Fortunately, the time we did spend there (outside of the hotel) was positive :) During our stay there I did MO once at night because of pure agony. The mattress was so bad that i got really bad neck pains and out of desperation i tried to solve it with a healthy normal fantasy based MO. To this day i funnily enough have not encountered a chaser effect.

In hindsight I've noticed something of a switch inside myself and while I cannot explain the why exactly i can explain what helped me. I've noticed that after the last relapse that happened just after the wife and I finally got intimate again I just sort of snapped. Something inside me broke/flipped/snapped, whatever. And up until this day it remains changed and I am starting to like it. At first I thought that it was a depressed feeling but now I'm starting to think that I've reached a point where I could not face the relapsing anymore. I think the feeling of being depressed was as if my old self has finally lost to a new self if that makes sense. Ever since that moment I look at life differently. I've also started to speak my mind directly if i notice somethin is up. I say to myself or the wife if she's near what I'm feeling and why. This has greatly helped me in identifying what my issues are and to explain past moods / acting out.


That's it for now i will try to post in the other threads today/tomorrow!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 30, 2020, 02:20:05 PM
Hey Guys!

Today is the end of day 11 for me and I feel great! It's nice to be able to post on here with a positive message from time to time! With great pleasure I can inform you all that just like last post my productivity is still through the rood for my standards. My energy is high, my mood is finally good, I've got a can do attitude and i still practice nike therapy (just do it). Ever since i can't access porn anymore it's like my brain just accepts that this is the case and ceases to try to access it.

However, there is a big but attached to this; what will happen when I do have access to P? I know that ideally the filter comes from within me and that at the moment this is outsourced and beyond my ability to control it. So how will I handle this in the future? I know that urges do not simply go away after 30 days, or 60 days or even 180 days as I've read in the more advanced user topics ;). So when will i test the waters? I could use some input on that but for now i will use all the blocks i have set for myself.

With the Mrs the bonding continues, our relationship is growing and I finally feel that I can really be there for her but more importantly I have the idea that she also thinks that she can truly count on me. That is the most rewarding feeling I've had in a while to be honest. Also with the sexuality we've really been able to separate the positive encounter from last week from the negative chaser effect incident so that it does not cloud the positive experience. We've talked about it and the wife still feels positive to move forward with intimacy, albeit at a slow pace but that's perfectly ok for me :).

That's it for now guys, I wish you all well
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 31, 2020, 03:29:10 AM
And update; yesterday evening the wife and I had some form of intimacy again!!!! YES!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 31, 2020, 03:10:55 PM
Day 12; nothing specific to mention. Urges are not really present since sexy time with the mrs yesterday. I feel calm and committed and in control of myself. That has not really happened for a while. First day of work was chaotic but i've been able to recover from it quite well. Did a 30 minute workout and I'm now on the forum before going to bed.

Phone routine is still in place and i'm loving it. I'm not missing a second of having my phone in bed.


Take care guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on August 31, 2020, 03:23:27 PM
Hey Shade,

Love to hear that. You're doing great and i really like what you write about the bonding to the wife and the being present to her.

Quote
However, there is a big but attached to this; what will happen when I do have access to P?
You probably take measures again to it. That's all you have to do. Since i got here and read your story i think you manage it like a survivor. There have been many obsticles but still you hold on to the reboot. Your honesty and your self reflection will bring you towards your goal with PMO and your wife, i'm sure. I have to admit, i envy it like you get back up, write in your journal and face PMO once again.

Keep going the good work and earn the fruits of your work along the way.

Imsor
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on September 02, 2020, 12:24:06 PM
New systems sound good. Marital intimacy sounds awesome. And well done on the streak, my friend. Onward!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on September 06, 2020, 05:06:32 AM
Hey Guys, day 17 by my count and all is going  very well.

Urges are present since the last sexytime and I've also noticed that when i'm horny i find it hard to control myself in my approach towards the Mrs. I'm not agressive or anythin but I don't choose my words carefull enough as it's still a delicate process for us.


other than that nothing to report for now. Still no access to P but i do think about it and I do notice that my mind sometimes tries to think of ways to circumvent my blocks.
Phone routine is also still in place and i'm still loving it.


Take care guys
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: stepbystep on September 06, 2020, 01:00:29 PM
other than that nothing to report for now. Still no access to P but i do think about it and I do notice that my mind sometimes tries to think of ways to circumvent my blocks.

Keep up the great work! One thing that I helps me is that it's okay to get temptations and have thoughts, but not to act on them. Slowly the thoughts reduce with time.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on September 06, 2020, 03:54:03 PM
Quote
I've also noticed that when i'm horny i find it hard to control myself in my approach towards the Mrs.
I know that feeling. In the beginning i touched her all the time, not in a sexual way. Soon i realised that this won't work for long, so i reduced it and started with compliments about her and how beautiful she is for me. This gave us some happy moments at times. Maybe it's worth trying.

For every other reader: That's why i don't like to tell the partner everything about the reboot, because the partner then is compromised when things change. They eventualy start to ask themselfs 'is this because of PMO?' when it's in general a good thing. Just my way of dealing with it.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on September 09, 2020, 05:33:42 AM
Hey Imsorry, thanks for the tip.

With regards to what I should tell her and not; my wife is a psychologist so maybe she is much better to understand and seperate certain aspects of the addiction. She's been a great help to me and also very supportive.

The whole approach thing has been something that i've struggled with our entire relationship. I want to change it, but when the moods there I have a lot of  trouble with controlling myself
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on September 09, 2020, 03:26:12 PM
Wise it would be to treat those impulses where you can't control yourself also with 6PP. Let it exist, nake yourself aware that it's you wanting something, but only the Mrs can give you. You can control this and find your freedom with it, because these urges will decrease with months of sobriety.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on September 16, 2020, 02:12:18 PM
Day 27, and i'm still doing well....

Not really been in a forum mood lately as I have been busy with other things. Porn block has been doing it's work and althoug I sometimes am tempted to bypass them I have not yet done this. I did MO a couple of times just to manage the physical desire aspect but luckily the chaser effect has not really bugged me a lot.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: UKGuy on September 16, 2020, 03:10:56 PM
Great news Shade!! Well done my friend - I am really pleased for you and Mrs T. It seems as if you are building some good momentum!
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Joel on September 22, 2020, 06:00:37 AM
Sounds great, Shade. Hope all's still going well.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Chris1986 on September 25, 2020, 11:34:41 AM
I have read through your journal now and I applaud your conviction to beating this. I have faith that you will.

I hope that you are well and enjoying life.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: EarthWalker on September 26, 2020, 04:09:10 AM
+1. Hope all's still going well.

EW
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: Orbiter on September 27, 2020, 08:56:26 PM
As everyone else said. Hope life + rebooting has been going well lately and you're continuing to make meaningful, fulfilling progress in your journey.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on October 01, 2020, 03:02:05 PM
Hey Guys, thanks for all the great messages. I've not been quite as active as I've used to because I felt like I needed a break from the forum. Not from you guys, but the forum in general. Therefore it warms my heart that you are rooting for me :)

Everything is going really well for me at the moment and I do plan to be more active in the coming time. In the meantime I will keep on reading here and follow you guys and occasionally post when I see fit.

Thanks guys,
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: imsorrynotsorry on October 01, 2020, 03:29:11 PM
That's nice to hear. Everything that helps you is just fine and the right thing to do.
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: EarthWalker on October 02, 2020, 03:48:40 AM
This is good! I am very happy for you. Fwiw: You don't owe us anything.

EW
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on October 21, 2020, 03:01:33 AM
Hey Guys,

How are things going over here? I've been away for a small 3 weeks and to my great pleasure I see a lot of new posters on here.

How's it going with me. Well today is day 1. I've been away from the forum for a while and i've been doing really good for a while. The reason i went away from the forum is that i've sort of needed a break from it because I was not using it the right way for me. But being away has also taught me that I do need it in my life at this present moment. It helps me stay accountable and also to out my feelings which helps me think...

So i've had a good run actually, my longest one yet and i want to get back on the horse again. Somehow this relapse has not really put me off and i've come to terms with it quite easily. This can also be a pitfall and introduction into other relapses. But on the other side, this relapse has not induced any guilt or other negative feeling other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.. So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'. Anyway, yesterdays relapse made me realize that the forum gives me a strenght to keep going, just that extra edge.

So expect to see more of me :)

Take care guys

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: EarthWalker on October 21, 2020, 04:06:20 AM
Hi, Shade.

Quote
other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.

Don't lie to yourself that this is fine. If breaking the streak is the only thing that bothers you. In my view that is not sufficient reason to break the cycle. You will be just repeating the cycle. We are here to break the cycle.

At 21 days you were over the big hump in 10-15 day area. Why relapse at all? Why not keep it going?

EW
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on October 21, 2020, 09:05:23 AM
At 21 days you were over the big hump in 10-15 day area. Why relapse at all? Why not keep it going?
If were that easy it wouldnt be called an addiction now, would it? ;) Your message comes across as if it's all roses and sunshine after 10-15 days..

Also, what I wrote was;
But on the other side, this relapse has not induced any guilt or other negative feeling other than it bums me out that i've broken the streak.. So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'.
meaning that it did in fact leave a negative feeling.

Also, you write about a 'sufficient reason' to break the cycle, as if it is a consious choise while it is in fact a whole accumulation of small otherwise almost insignificant choises, situations and emotions. What we do and how we respond during those situations is what determines whether or not we ultimately relapse.

Sorry for calling you out like this. While i really appreciate your imput I do feel like your message needs nuance.

Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: EarthWalker on October 21, 2020, 01:20:05 PM
I score low on agreeableness. So nuance is not my strong point. At the risk of offending you... here goes:

Quote
So writing this I have to say it does induce a negative feeling because I want to be 'better'.

This comes across to me as vague and half assed.

It pains me to see you relapse. Again after 3-4 weeks. Maybe I am getting a bit fed up of seeing most of us just loop in streaks. X days then relapse again. With a few unicorns with 150+ days here and there.

Quote
Anyway, yesterdays relapse made me realize that the forum gives me a strenght to keep going, just that extra edge.

You need to quit P because of you and you alone. Not because of your wife, some forum or some vague idea of being better.

Strength comes within. Maybe instead of "better" try "becoming authentic real self". The real you. Each of us has that innate sense of what is the authentic self. Connect with it. Is P part of your real identity or is this some sort of artificial overlay?

Wish to see you break the cycle. End this fake life.

Quote
as if it is a consious choise while it is in fact a whole accumulation of small otherwise almost insignificant choises, situations and emotions

I don't agree with this. Look up Edith Eger also came across this YT channel Invisible People good stuff.

Keep on posting. Looking forward to see you let go of P.

Just thought of this

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambler%27s_fallacy

Perhaps we should view P thoughts in isolation? Not allow them to connect with anything. Just like a coin flip. We can view it as a single independent event or we can look at it as a series of past and future coin flips.

Edit: Maybe next time try MO to sensation only or just MO to fantasy. But keep away from external P. You got this.

EW
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on October 22, 2020, 03:02:41 AM
Dear EW,

Thanks for being so spirited and that you are so passionate about not wanting me to relapse. Despite the fact that i do not agree with your post i am really thankful for your input.
There are many roads to a goal and from my point of view we walk a different road and that is perfectly fine.

So let's leave this discussion for what it is and put our focus back on rebooting!


Take care
Title: Re: I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on October 22, 2020, 08:24:20 AM
So day 2, It's been a while since last run I was > 45 days I think. So let's reset everything and pretend I'm a newbie at this again.

Complacency has played a part in recent relapse I guess. I wrote that I needed the forum as a sort of extra. I still think that this is the case, however not being on the forum is also a sign of me not giving the addiction the much needed attention it requires. It's a chicken-egg paradox. But it's safe to say that the forum is a much needed tool in my current state of recovery. While i've been away i've not been at it alone. I've had contact with another member of this forum via other means of communication. This has helped a great deal in terms of accountability and discussion. I am deeply thankful for his time and energy.

What i've learned about myself is that my latest relapse did not have the negative impact i've expected it to have. I've been able to really accept it, rationalize it and forgive myself. This is really great, but also a really really really big pitfall; normalizing a relapse. This can be a huge gateway into relapsing more. The biggest challenge I am facing now is how to keep myself alert and active without a enforcing a negative enforcing like beating myself up or something like that. I think that self love and self forgiveness are key in dealing with any addiction. But how do you keep yourself constantly alert without being punishing?

I think this is the point that EarthWalker was trying to make in one of his previous posts in this thread and something that i've told other members on here as well; beating the addiction should be done for purely selfish reasons. 100%. Not for your partner, your family, but yourself.. To me this is where the self-love comes back into play again. If you really love yourself you will automatically find a way to keep off the addiction. It's the same when you choose an unhealthy dinner option in stead of a healthy one. When you choose to drink more than is good for you and feel the effects the next day. You know that these choises are not good for you on the longer term, but it's that short moment of instant substitute gratification.

I would dare to put it like this; If a person was fully content with himself and his current situation he would not feel the need for things that will have a negative impact on his well being.
If we over indulge in alcohol, drugs, food or porn, there is something within us that makes us unhappy. We use said things to compensate that feeling. And normally we know that it's not good for us and we pick ourselves up and limit that behaviour, but sometimes it will form into an addiction.

For me i've found out a little bit more about this. In talking with my wife and our therapist we've came to the conclusion that i've never experienced sex on an emotional level. I've developed this addiction before I've met my wife and my idea of sex was formed behind a webcam focused on the interaction I had with the girls on the other side. But it never was emotional. This has lead to me being distant in bed, not really wanting to be touched, closed for any pointers etc.  What i have been missing out on all these years was true intimacy with the person I love. It has developed to a point that I now have fear related feelings regarding to sex. Everything is new and opening up and being vulnerable scares me. This has been the reason why i've never intiated sex, listened to what she really wants or to enjoy sex as something fun.

That is the current situation for me; I am afraid of true intimacy but also really craving it. I am yearning for it. This is the part inside of me that is missing. This is the part that I'm trying to replace with porn.