Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: matisse on September 30, 2019, 01:05:45 PM

Title: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: matisse on September 30, 2019, 01:05:45 PM
*63 yo retired professional that is now working in another field
*sexually used by relative who is a couple of years older than me that started at the age of 8ish which resulted in first orgasm at about that age. This continued for several years. I then transferred the same behavior to classmates in middle/high school and some in college.
*engaged in m on a daily basis during my middle school/high school years to the point my dick was raw.
*met my wife at college who had contracted a debilitating disease at a very young age
*have fought the issue of not having a dad most of my life and the need for affirmation which I sought out in male relationships.
*counseling and anti-depressants have helped to some degree
*ed has been a big issue
*Jump forward to the present.
*due to my wife's disability and her overall view of sex, we have not had intercourse or any type of sexual activity for approximately 7 years. To deal with my frustration, I leaned on pmo.
*what I know....I haven't made my needs made known to my wife, I've relied on pmo to fullfill my feelings of loneliness/anger only to be met with more ed, the inability to cum, and in general, an empty space between my wife and I. I have yet to tell my wife that because I am her primary caregiver, I feel disconnected as a husband. With sex, I feel those barriers being torn down because she is giving something I desperately want, back to me.

We've just returned from a trip inwhich the opportunity arose for me to share what I needed, what I liked, and what I liked doing to her. Our conversing resulted in her having an orgasm and me attempting to have intercourse but due to a limp dick, it was a no go. We then returned home two days later and once again, were able to engage in making love. I still was not able to penetrate her like I wanted due to the limp dick but was able to cum when she was about to cum due to m. Good/bad? I'm not sure. My rational on it being good is that we were both participating in an act that brought us closer together.

It's so enlightening to see the difference in how I feel about her when we have worked on having sex together versus me having a one-man-show in the shower. I feel trust grow and my acceptance of myself intensify when we are making an effort to share the most intimate parts of our body with one another.

I'm on day two of being letting my wife satisfy me rather than something/someone who is not real. d To all of those out there who are struggling, the battle is real and the wounded are many. Stand up to the fight and keep pressing onward!

To all of our brothers who have been wounded, you have my support,

Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: bob on October 01, 2019, 06:44:22 AM
Hey Matisse,

I would say that your both. Some of the things you mention are spot on for what I am going through. Other ares not as much. The main thing is that you are not alone in this. Mine goes deep and has seemed to continue forever.

You have reached a good place here on RN. My thoughts are with you.

Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: matisse on October 01, 2019, 01:20:55 PM
I've known that the work the relative did on me had a huge impact, but for some reason, yesterday it seemed to become more clear as to its affect. In my hunger for love and being touched as a kid, I relished the treatment the relative gave me. Yes, I know it has charted my life's course, but it hit me yesterday how much if an imprint it made on me, my thoughts, my behaviors.

The sexual stimulation was perceived as love. Sadly, I have carried that with me for nearly my entire life. It framed what I thought about myself, what I wanted to look like physically, and who I wanted to be with. My wife knows of only the surface level of information regarding the behaviors the relative did to me. Would I want her to know more? I don't know.

I am a firm believer that God created man and woman to be together and share the marriage bed. Unfortunately for me, psychologically I let the images that were developed as a child, teenager, and young adult, drive many of my actions. Thankfully, my wife and I have had amazing sex. As mentioned in my original post, her views on sex (which she doesn't always enjoy but knows it takes me to CumLand) has been a silent wedge between us. Do I blame her? No. Because I haven't communicated my needs, because I haven't shown her the attention I know she thrives on, she hasn't felt the love from me. This is something I am working hard to change in regards to how I treat her.

One thing that I've started doing is taking my shower before I help her transfer from her wheelchair to the shower bench. I then don't put any clothes on and she has been more readily apt to engage in foreplay. She knows that I would go naked all day if I could so doesn't question me sleeping without clothes.

What are my triggers?
  not having sex for a long period of time
  seeing good-looking guys and then googling the same on the internet
  and then googling naked guys which then leads to M/O
  not having sex throws me into a tailspin of despair...a feeling of worthlessness. I also know though that if I showed more love to my wife, some of the despair was fade away.

What I know....
  when I engage in P/M/O, I am not interested in pursuing my wife
  P/M/O does not promote a healthy relationship with my wife
  me paying more attention to my wife has multiple benefits emotionally, physically, and sexually
  I can not have both
  the 39 years listed in my introduction is still as real as if it happened yesterday
  at times, I'm conflicted in what I want versus what I know God desires for me....and I can't serve two masters
  I have two guys that I've confided in who have been a great support system. There's been no judgement, only a healthy brotherly love that means the   
     world to me. Too often, I believe guys have a perceived wall of silence built up that is characterized by just going through the motions.....we only talk on the surface. If we were to truly open up, what would our friend think? Thankfully, this forum allows for guys to let it all out without fear of judgement.

Thanks for responding to my thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to offer some reflections.
Title: what a day!
Post by: matisse on October 02, 2019, 06:43:57 PM
I thot this was easy....or would be easier. Today has been a beast of a day. Triggers everywhere I went. I didn't have the option to stay in one place, so it seemed that there was temptation at each stop. To act on it? No. To think...yes. I don't like this!
Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: matisse on October 02, 2019, 09:47:25 PM
And I’m about to end the day needing to mo. Need to or want to? I want to. My wife ignores hints. I debate on how far to push myself on her. Time will tell. Should I succumb to the mo battle? I lived in total ignorance or the correlation between p and pied. It all makes sense now. Who is stronger? My will or mo’s? I need to get busy doing something. Have a long list of things I need to do before I hit the sack.
Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: matisse on October 03, 2019, 04:27:46 PM
Crashed late last night by giving in. There is no excuse. I think so much of my stuff is based on self-esteem. When I feel rejected, I retreat and become vulnerable. The acting out becomes the face of acceptance. Frustrating is an understatement!
Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: bob on October 03, 2019, 07:35:08 PM

Don't beat yourself up. We have all been there and while it sucks, we all must realize what happened, how we can learn, and get back to it. Any time away from pmo is a positive that should be rejoiced. Isolation, shame, and concealment was always a problem for me and if I got overly frustrated with a lapse or relapse (I believe there is a difference) then I found myself in a place where the pain made me what to continue. I just wanted to feel better and pmo was readily available.

Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: matisse on October 04, 2019, 10:11:50 PM
The introspective part of me ways that we live in a crazy world. Today brings with it reflection. Wrestling with my emotions of wanting to be wanted for more than just household duties. Why does it have to all be linked to what’s below the belt? It’s such a mind game. At some point, I know I need to share that I need to k ow that I’m more than just someone who makes the bed or washes dishes. Behind my desire to be a helpmate, is a desire to have my emotional and sexual needs met. There are compounding issues with her not buying into my needs but that’s for another day. So far, nothing has happened as far as pmo. So day two of being free is almost in the books.
Title: Re: unique situation or is it really?
Post by: jixu on October 11, 2019, 10:48:44 AM
Seems like you are in one of those deep reflecting phases as of late.  You are discussing the raw realities of life and relationships.  I like what you said last post about time away from PMO is positive-it seems obvious, yet that is a great concrete building block that can serve as a base of operations to tackle the other stuff.  Keep the positive days flowing!