Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: squid on July 07, 2019, 02:38:49 AM

Title: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on July 07, 2019, 02:38:49 AM
Day 0 - 7/7/19: 3am

My brain feels like I blasted it with a cannon of dopamine, right into the side of my head.  The left side feels numb, flighty, and tired - very tired.  Recently I have been PMOing a lot.  Three to four times every day and it is definitely affecting most areas of my life.  That makes me sad.  When I do it, I never feel good.  It never makes me happy.  I have taken breaks before, with different degrees of success and each time I take a break, I never regret it.  My last period of pmo free lasted about 5 months and it was like being awake for the first time in a long time.  This was one year ago.  This is the present:

I recently moved to a new city, started a new job and made three ambitious goals that got me super excited. And then I got terrified of failure and success and procrastinated really hard.  My cycle of pain and entrapment is this:


1. Get excited about a goal

2. Take a step towards that goal big enough to tell people about but not big enough in itself to reach the goal.

3. Enjoy the feeling of pleasure that comes with thinking about doing hard work to reach the goal but instead going to play many hours of Overwatch instead.  It's sort of fun, but I think tension relieving would be a better word.  Numbing could work too.

4. During step 3 a trigger develops, they used to be sexy content of some kind.  But, these days it is usually a need to urinate or it is just a slight tug in my mind to relieve a little tension - a habit probably.

5. Go into the bathroom with my phone and pmo.

6. Immediately feel drained and generally bad afterwards and think about needing to do something about the habits that led to this result.

7. Go play more overwatch and continue the Steps 3-7 until there is no more free time.

8. Go and do the minimum requirements of daily life until there is more free time.


I know that this journey of actually spending my time on activities I love instead of PMOing and playing countless hours of video games is necessary.  It's more than necessary, I feel like a sports car stuck in first gear growing older every day.  It's time to free the clutch.  This will involve me confronting many fears and I will share that here.  Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting young men like myself.  It can be lonely out here.

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 07, 2019, 05:09:05 AM
What's up, man? Glad to have you around here.

I relate to your story. I used to PMO everyday, as many times as I had time for it, and it drained my energy like crazy. I was exhausted all day, numb, I didn't even feel emotions and I had no mood for doing anything. I postponed studying (I was in high school) and my grades dropped. You definitely don't accomplish anything when you invest your energy in PMO instead on completing what you have to do.

The thing is, PMO doesn't make me feel good anymore because of the feeling of regret that comes with the relapse. I can't enjoy the O anymore because of this.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 07, 2019, 05:52:52 PM
Welcome, squid! This is a great place to find support and to reflect on your experience fighting addiction. It has been a huge help to me, and I'm excited to see someone new coming along.

There will be plenty of time to talk through the process with everyone here, but this thing you mentioned did catch my attention:


4. During step 3 a trigger develops, they used to be sexy content of some kind.  But, these days it is usually a need to urinate or it is just a slight tug in my mind to relieve a little tension - a habit probably.


It's kind of weird, but I know exactly what you mean. There have been times when I thought I had a strong urge to PMO, but then I just went to the bathroom and was fine. Sometimes our brain doesn't know how to interpret all our sensations. It's great that you're aware of some of your brain's misinterpretations of what's going on. Those triggers can be tricky, but they don't have to win.

It's a new day, and you have a lot of allies now that you didn't have before. Best of luck on this new stretch of your journey!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 07, 2019, 07:17:09 PM
Thanks man, I read in the book "multi orgasmic man" that having a full bladder can make one feel a need to ejaculate due to the bladder being so close to the prostate   That seems to be true.  It's been my experience that going to the bathroom can make the urge to pmo go away.  I'm happy to have new allies!  It's nice to know that many other men are also going through something similar. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 07, 2019, 09:22:52 PM
Day 1 - 7/7/19: 10pm

One of the best Sundays I've ever had.  Woke up, and immediately took a bath with epson salts.  Really relaxed me and put me in a good head space.  Then, I had a quick breakfast and went biking to a canoe rental place and then canoed for two hours.  After that got a great lunch and biked home.  Didn't think of pmo at all.  I did think of the replies I got on this journal, thank you for those.  See you tomorrow friends.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 08, 2019, 07:46:23 PM
Day 2 - 7/8/19: 8:30pm

Here's the plan.  I came up with it a few months ago piece by piece and got some good results but struggled with putting it all together.  But so far it is working.  Granted it's day 2 and any plan works for two days but regardless, I am feeling lots better than two days ago.

squid's plan:
1.  Exercise daily using Pavel's Simple and Sinister Kettlebell Training program.  I changed my work schedule to start around 9am and that gives me enough time to complete the program in the morning, it takes about 30 minutes.  I've done it consistently for 8 days.  But I took a few months on and off learning the exercises and procrastinating.  Normally I'd say exercising every single day isn't the best idea but in this case, the program is designed for it.  And the volume is very low.

2. Learn the korean language.  I'll go more into the why behind this one in the days to come but I have an online teacher I meet with about twice a week.  The trouble is I've been paying for the lessons and really enjoy it.  But I never study or do the homework and I feel bad and super stressed out about it.  I really want to learn but I run from the activities that are required for learning like I'm being chased by a pack of wolves.  All the tension used to be relieved by pmo.  Now I need to find a way to prevent it or relieve it some other way.

2.5/3.  This part of the plan is about planning adventures, being social and starting a blog and eventually a video blog about my travels and adventures.  I consume so much media and listen so much and very rarely express myself.  I just nod along and it doesn't feel right.  I have a story to tell and I want to tell it. 


So far I have had success in all parts except part 3. Although I could count this blog.  In which case that I've made some progress in the past two weeks on all three.  Fitness has been going very well this week and I think it's responsible for my good mood.


Quick update on today.  I worked and had trouble focusing all day.  And strangely enough I got three bloody noses in one day.  That does not normally happen but does from time to time and it was weird.  I did my workout in the morning but only got 6.5 hours of sleep and I definitely need more.  After work things got interesting.

I felt it.  Hard to describe but a deep feeling that I was going to pmo after work.  That's what I normally do every day so it's not rocket science.  Regardless, I knew that if I went home and started playing overwatch and watching youtube, shortly after I would pmo.  So, I desperately looked at meetups for something to do.  Found a running group nearby and my roommate agreed to go with me to it.  We biked over there and got turned around a bit so we ended up being ten minutes late and they left without us.  Instead we had a fantastic two hour ride and hike through the woods towards the river.  It was really fun - even though I got a nose bleed in the middle.  After that I went to the library just to browse and read a little.  All in all a good day.  I've been reading other journals on here too and it's been really great to not feel alone.  We got this!

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 09, 2019, 05:42:33 PM
Glad you're making progress and feeling good! That looks like an awesome plan. I've learned recently that I do better in a day when I've taken time to be creative, so I think your plan to tell your story is an awesome one.

Keep it going and stick to your plan! Sometimes it feels like starting a new plan will just fix things from day one, but it's important to remember that, even when you're doing everything right, time is still an essential part of healing.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 09, 2019, 08:19:00 PM
Day 3 - 7/9/19: 9pm

Instead of working out in the morning I slept in and I'm glad I did.  That long bike and hike last night really wiped me out and I needed the 9 hours of sleep.  Work was tough, it's really boring and unsatisfying and I feel like the environment has encouraged me not to try.  I want to do a good job at work and be proud of what I do but I'm not there.  At least the day ended at 5 and as a bonus I'm being sent to my first business conference on Thursday.  So that will be cool, a different day anyway.  I called my Dad on the way home from work and vented a bit which made me feel better.  I'm grateful to have an encouraging family. 

My energy and mood has been all over the place.  I'm tired, I'm restless, I'm energized, I'm sleepy.  I started back up with my online language tutoring after two weeks off and not actually studying for a few months.  Boy was it difficult, I was remembering vocab I didn't know was still in my head.  I was embarrassed for all the things I forgot and frustrated for not being able to speak to my teacher as well as I could a few months ago.  I never practice and that makes an hour of one on one lessons pretty painful sometimes.  I really enjoy the language and the lessons when I study.  I don't want to ask too much of myself during the beginning of this reboot but boy would I love to be able to practice consistently and improve week over week with the language.  That would be cool.  To reach the point that I could talk to my friends and watch some shows.  And maybe go to graduate school over there someday.  I got through the lesson and I'm glad I did, we reviewed a lot.

As far as pmo I've had some slight urges, even at work.  I usually go to the bathroom and read articles on my phone but I can't do that anymore, it's just a dumb idea.  That environment is my danger zone for pmo.  Besides those slight urges I haven't felt much.  I'll probably be flatlined for another few weeks based on my past experience and how often I was pmoing before the reboot. 

I'm most excited about feeling more emotion again and being more expressive.  It's a heavy price for the short high from pmo and I am no longer willing to pay it. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 09, 2019, 08:25:16 PM
Glad you're making progress and feeling good! That looks like an awesome plan. I've learned recently that I do better in a day when I've taken time to be creative, so I think your plan to tell your story is an awesome one.

Keep it going and stick to your plan! Sometimes it feels like starting a new plan will just fix things from day one, but it's important to remember that, even when you're doing everything right, time is still an essential part of healing.

 Thanks for your encouragement man, I really appreciate it.  Without pmo and overwatch I have a huge void of time.  I'm hoping focusing more on those three goals that I've wanted for a long time will help.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 10, 2019, 07:17:48 PM
It's crazy how we find time in our lives when we give up the things that have kept us trapped for so long. It can be tough to know how to fill that time, but it can be awesome to fill it with something that makes you feel like you're making progress.

Good luck with it all!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 10, 2019, 09:49:47 PM
Day 4 - 7/10/19: 9pm, 11pm

Today was a good day.  I went to slept a little later than I wanted but still did my workout and got to work on time.  Work was a lot better than yesterday.  I talked to my sister today and got some ideas on how I can find more fulfilling opportunities within the company while doing my day to day job and expanding in areas I find exciting.
I'm trying to find ways to like my job a little more.  I spend a lot of time there everyday haha. 

I've been reading people's blogs on here a bit and it has been helpful to feel a part of a community of people making progress everyday.  I noticed how often people, my past self included, relapse during the first 30 days.  It's the same in long distance hiking, which was my life last year when I thru hiked the Appalachian Trail.  In 5 and a 1/2 months of living in the mountains, achieving miles step by step and feeling like a family member to others on the same trail, I learned a lot.  I am drawing on that experience in this journey.  The first few weeks are dangerous, 25% of people on the AT drop out by mile 31/2192.  The key is to not be surprised by the day to day that the trail entails, be prepared and also to be willing to not be in control all the time.  I'll talk more about my thru hike and other adventures in future posts but I got to wrap this up so I can go to bed.

In other news, I made an emergency kit, put it in a bath bomb box and hid it in my bathroom.  The kit contains a small notebook, a pen, a stressball, a thick rubberband, warheads candy and mounds chocolate coconut mini candy bars.  I felt some small urges in the bathroom today and used it as an opportunity to practice using the emergency kit. I opened it up, read the encouraging notes I wrote and then wrote how I was feeling.  I grabbed one of my favorite candies and left the room.

My mood has still be fluctuating a lot, I still feel restless and tired but not as bad.  And honestly after so many months of belly up surrender I am just happy as a clam to even try to leave pmo behind.  It's the dark shadow always in the room.  The most monsterous form of my internal resistance.  If knowing everything I know about myself and my youth, I had to create a Frankenstein to defeat me, a kryptonite to my superman - it would be pmo.  The thing is, I know it will wreck havoc on any relationship I enter and I know the cost is too great.  It will not stand, sir, it will not stand.  I choose a different path.  Never forget, this very moment you can alter your destiny. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 11, 2019, 06:00:29 AM
You're the kind of person who deserves a whole pie, but you'd prbably share it anyways . Thank you for supporting others  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 11, 2019, 08:50:23 AM
You're doing well, Squid. It's my 4th day too so we are in the same boat.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 11, 2019, 06:21:08 PM
Wow, really awesome thoughts and determination!

I really love the idea of an emergency kit. I might make one for myself. I know in the very earliest days of my recovery, it was only Snickers bars that could get me through the urges of a day. Sometimes it just takes a little chocolate to take the edge off, lol.

Sounds like you're in a good spot right now. I'm excited for you! Keep at it!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 11, 2019, 07:56:54 PM
You're the kind of person who deserves a whole pie, but you'd prbably share it anyways . Thank you for supporting others  :)

Thank you man, I don't really like pie anyway, you can have some of it ;)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 11, 2019, 07:59:47 PM
You're doing well, Squid. It's my 4th day too so we are in the same boat.

Thanks Lero, it's a good boat to be in!  We are on an express ship to freedom - as fast as the wind, calm as the water, bold as the fire, and as steady as the earth.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 11, 2019, 08:02:25 PM
Wow, really awesome thoughts and determination!

I really love the idea of an emergency kit. I might make one for myself. I know in the very earliest days of my recovery, it was only Snickers bars that could get me through the urges of a day. Sometimes it just takes a little chocolate to take the edge off, lol.

Sounds like you're in a good spot right now. I'm excited for you! Keep at it!

I got the idea while reading journals on here.  The one advantage we have over pmo is that it is predictable.  So we can plan for it.  If it  looks like rain outside, I carry an umbrella.  Same principal.  It has been helpful so far, I hope it helps you too!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 11, 2019, 08:46:13 PM
Day 5 - 7/11/19: 9pm

Today was a different day, my company sent me on a business trip to my first conference.  It was pretty cool, and I also got some leads for a better job haha.

I did my morning workout, I didn't study Korean and I haven't blogged except for on here.  But all in all a great day and I'm glad I was able to do the workout and stay on track.  Different days can be some of the most difficult.  I've have small urges throughout the day but I am still in a flatline so there are not a whole lot of signals coming from below deck.  It's just part of the healing process.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 12, 2019, 05:35:52 AM
You're doing well, man. It's day 5 for me too.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 12, 2019, 05:43:54 PM
Sounds like you're carrying on, and that's what counts! Keep on taking care of yourself (and fingers crossed for a possible better job)!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 12, 2019, 11:03:46 PM
Day 6 - 7/12/19: 11:59pm

This will have to be short, it's late.  I had a nice friday, hung out with my roommate and drank a bit but not too much.  Work was alright, Friday's at the office are pretty relaxed.  Urges have been increasing throughout the day but I've been on track.  Didn't work out today because I was too sore but I did take an hour long bath before work.  That was legendary ahaha.  Thanks for all the support, I look forward to posting on your journals tomorrow. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 12, 2019, 11:17:13 PM
Good luck man! Just supporting you here. Thanks for your encouragement and stay strong - exercise and socializing are both great for this path ^_^
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 13, 2019, 11:48:43 AM
Last night wasn't ideal.  All week I took a break from playing videogames but Friday night after hanging out with my roommate I hopped on and played from 11pm to 4am  :-\  Once I get going I get kind of lost in it.  I have intense focus but a tendency to focus on distractions.  Normally I pmo when I get on long videogame binges but I did not last night so that's good, although I was tempted.  The thing is the pattern after a night like that is to continue staying inside the house and playing all weekend.  But I don't want to live like that.  Some games are fun but going to extremes like that isn't fun at all.

I'm not really upset at myself because I had a fantastic week and was really focused on the right things most of the time.  I made a lot of good progress.  I'm just concerned that the old habit is coming back because I like my new habits a lot better.  I'm finally starting to feel a little bit less like a zombie, a little more free, and I want to stay that way. 

Do any of you relate to that?

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 13, 2019, 01:50:02 PM
Last night wasn't ideal.  All week I took a break from playing videogames but Friday night after hanging out with my roommate I hopped on and played from 11pm to 4am  :-\  Once I get going I get kind of lost in it.  I have intense focus but a tendency to focus on distractions.  Normally I pmo when I get on long videogame binges but I did not last night so that's good, although I was tempted.  The thing is the pattern after a night like that is to continue staying inside the house and playing all weekend.  But I don't want to live like that.  Some games are fun but going to extremes like that isn't fun at all.

I know how this feels, man. I am not into video games but I have the tendency to drink a lot with the boys. I sober up and realize it's a waste of time. It seems like a lot of fun to me only to realize it's not that much fun. It's wasting time pushing a button for dopamine (like we do with PMO too). Distraction, escapism, coping etc. That's what it is.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 13, 2019, 04:08:23 PM
Thanks Lero, yeah it's one of those things that I think is more of a symptom of my fear of success than a problem in itself.  It's still a problem don't get me wrong.  But when I think about it, I pmo and play hours and hours of mindless videogames when I have the free time to pursue my ideal life.  But when that time is spent on distractions and then I have other commitments I can't miss, suddenly the mind lock opens and I can go do those things.  It's self sabotage, and the thing is if I stop shooting myself in the foot, I can make a difference probably faster than I expect.  And I want to, while I'm still young, I don't want to bring these habits to a relationship.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 13, 2019, 06:08:12 PM
Day 7 - 7/13/19: 7pm

I turned it around.  Normally after I do a long late night gaming session it leads to a weekend videogame and pmo binge, more likely if my roommate is out of town and I'm alone.  But this morning I got up chatted a bit, had a light breakfast and did my workout. Then my roommate left for the afternoon and I was alone.  I had my protein shake and some carrots and hummus snack and watched 1 episode of my favorite tv show.  Then, I played about an hour of overwatch and it was actually really fun because I stopped after four games instead of going on and on.  I then went for a run and called my family.  All in all I feel great, the exercise is very important for me.  I'm really happy I didn't go down the rabbit hole and instead turned this into a great and relaxing Saturday.  Still haven't done any of the lifestyle blog or korean studying but as I am getting more healthy and stronger, I think next week I'll be able to add a little bit of those habits to each day.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 13, 2019, 06:15:56 PM
Sounds like a better by the end, way to make adjustments and keep going!

I think your observation that playing overwatch for only an hour was actually more fun than doing it for hours and hours. I think there's a lot to learn there about keeping things in balance and within appropriate boundaries. Games are fun when they're a break, but can be a problem when they replace important activities. Really great insight.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 13, 2019, 07:20:21 PM
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on July 13, 2019, 09:41:40 PM
The one third portion of quitting this addiction is over now. Now go towards 21 days . bro you can do it. Its good to see you at day 7.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 13, 2019, 11:23:07 PM
Thanks for the encouragement everyone, I played a fair bit today but much less and more spread out than yesterday.  I always feel drained after gaming, I guess it takes a lot of focus.  I am going out tonight for a bit with a friend.  Wish me luck!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on July 14, 2019, 01:18:55 AM
Best luck
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 14, 2019, 05:12:10 AM
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, man, it sucks when you get hooked on doing something pleasurable and then realize you have to stop because it affects you. You have to find other things to do. Normal things. Go to martial arts or whatever. Start running, do calisthenics, go to a chess club or something. In the beginning it will probably feel like shit because I know how I feel when I want to PMO but I do something else instead. It's like: "Fuck, man! I wish I was home edging to P." You might want to say: "Video games and P are not the same." Yes, but I've read that video games affect the brain too. I watched a video on Youtube about video games addicts in South Korea. It's crazy. It's addictive too. But you have to keep pushing through, like walking down a road while the wind blows hard. You have to keep moving your feet. It's not something pleasurable to do but it's the right thing.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: restorationjunkie on July 14, 2019, 08:39:01 AM
Hey man, I am right with you with how much I have enjoyed gaming over the years. I have decided that when doing well in any game gives me a rush. Gotta be dopamine and it has to be slowing things down for us. I am choosing to abstain from gaming as much as I can, if not completely for a few months and take a look at the benefits. I have a feeling this will make a large difference. If you need more things to pull you away from the screen time you could look into rec sport leagues like floor hockey or something that will get you committing your time to something healthier.

Best of luck sir!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 14, 2019, 10:59:28 AM
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, man, it sucks when you get hooked on doing something pleasurable and then realize you have to stop because it affects you. You have to find other things to do. Normal things. Go to martial arts or whatever. Start running, do calisthenics, go to a chess club or something. In the beginning it will probably feel like shit because I know how I feel when I want to PMO but I do something else instead. It's like: "Fuck, man! I wish I was home edging to P." You might want to say: "Video games and P are not the same." Yes, but I've read that video games affect the brain too. I watched a video on Youtube about video games addicts in South Korea. It's crazy. It's addictive too. But you have to keep pushing through, like walking down a road while the wind blows hard. You have to keep moving your feet. It's not something pleasurable to do but it's the right thing.

Oh yeah - obsessed with exercise for much of the rest of the day. Great call there! I have been using an app called Strava to track runs and swims - highly recommend it if you are as much of a data nerd as me, haha! It's nice to have something to track besides your PMO counter that shows your hobbies and interests developing in other areas. Fortunately the gaming thing has quieted down since I played myself sick of them. Just the thought of gaming makes me feel nauseous lately. I used to record 5-6 gaming commentary videos a day to keep up with the demand on YouTube. It's a brutal grind to keep up with, and I'm just glad to have balance back in my life. It definitely put gaming into a new context though, and I'm grateful for the added maturity I can now approach gaming with. I feel like they just don't advance my position much in life playing them these days, you know what I mean?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 14, 2019, 03:49:10 PM
Day 8 - 7/14/19: 5pm

Good discussion guys.  Yeah I've gone back and forth this weekend, done some dream oriented things but also play a ton of overwatch.  I think I do get the dopamine rush from it and I do think I'm using it to hide from my fear of success.  I'm tempted to say that I'm going to add video games to my reboot but I'm afraid of adding on too many new changes at once.  But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Also it should be said, video games and pmo are what I always turn to when things aren't going well or when I'm bored. I become numb and comfortable in a foggy bliss.  If I don't continue to do those two activities, which take up a ton of my free time, will I be able to handle it?  Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 

I haven't had many pmo urges and pmo free is going strong.  My flatline continues.  I'm slightly nervous about when that ends and strong urges return.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 14, 2019, 03:55:07 PM
Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 

It comes down to how hooked you are on video games. Other activities might make you feel nothing in the beginning but you have to push through. It's just like P. As you stay away from video games and do those other activities, your brain will start enjoying them and losing the craving for video games.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 14, 2019, 06:49:16 PM
But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 


Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 14, 2019, 10:28:40 PM
But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 


Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!

Thanks Blue, this has given me a lot to think about. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 15, 2019, 01:32:05 AM
Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!

I know how this works. I had to stop watching some TV series that I had not completed yet because they contained triggers. And I had this feeling like: "Fuck, man! I really want to watch that and see what's going!" It looked sad, like I couldn't be a normal human being. But then I remembered what William used to say: Make quitting P your no. 1 priority. I had to do everything to make this happen.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 15, 2019, 09:15:00 PM
Day 9 - 7/15/19: 9pm

Today was a great day at work.  I got a lot done and even had a long chat with our director of recruiting. Got a lot of great ideas to help my unemployed friend and to help myself build my career and find better positions.  My boss was out sick, every day they aren't there the day goes much better haha.  Good thing they frequently work
 from home.

Some feelings started returning today.  I'd be in a board meeting and suddenly notice a few of the ladies are kind of attractive.  In my pmo foggy haze I had never noticed before.  I'm way more happy than I was 9 days ago.  I think back to the bike rides I've taken, the workouts, the runs, the going out with friends, the reading, the epson salt baths, this journal and the community of driven focused young men we have here - and it makes me smile.  There is a very powerful feeling that I feel when I am doing what I believe in.  I got it when hiking across the Appalachian Mountains and I had it these past 9 days.  A sense of self sovereignty.  I'm not perfect but it's a huge improvement and I notice it day to day.  My energy is higher, I'm more confident, and I like myself more.  P isn't just a high, it is also very negative and toxic content that does affect the mind in a negative way. 

I've been thinking about the gaming.  In fact, I played after work today for two hours after watching a show over dinner for an hour.  That's most of my after work time, it should be said.  Do I want to take a long break from videogames and dedicate that time to falling in love with other activities that fill my heart with joy?  Absolutely.  But I believe the way I do it is very important.  Because if I take gaming away and leave nothing in it's place, there would be such a large hole where it was, that I risk my foundation falling down. 

So, I ask myself, what do I love enough to trade gaming for?  Well, I love the feeling of pursuing meaningful goals.  I love physical activity, story telling, digital media, content creation, fitness, travel, real connection, relationships, looking for opportunities, helping other look for opportunities, being on a small team, pursuing a common cause, backpacking, hiking, reading, writing, poems, empowering people, being outside, being creative, entrepreneurship,   finding a woman to date and other things too.

After I moved to the new city, I had a few weeks without any pmo or videogames, there was just too much going on and I didn't miss it.  Once things settled down, I wrote down my goals I thought about for months on the trails.  Learn Korean, get fits, and make online content about immersive travel.  I bought a website hosting for a year, bought my Kettlebells, and signed up for private tutoring twice a week.  Everything was there, the stage was set, I had a plan and then and then and then..  I blew it all up.

I didn't do any homework, and never studied, I started pmoing a lot every day, I started to play hours of videogames every night, not getting enough sleep and barely making it to work, I gained weight, I became isolated and stopped reaching out and hanging out with friends.  I eventually got sick and had a cold, runny nose, cough, and depressed feeling for two weeks.  I lived in a tent in the mountains hiking 15-25 miles a day with 30 pounds on my back for six months and never got injured.  I lived in the dirt and never got sick.  After a feel months in a city I was sick for two weeks!? On the trail I was happier and poorer than I'd ever been.  I was following my dream and I couldn't be touched because my mental attitude was so strong. 

My idea was to have my own trail of goals while I did two years on the city saving up and building a career and planning my next moves.  But my internal resistance was so strong, once all the real obstacles were gone, I metaphorically shot myself in the foot over and over.  I'd do enough studying and fitness and blogging to sort of claim that I was following my passion but it was a lie.  It was a story that I wished was true but didn't have the guts to dive into.

So, the path for me is clear.  My pmo use and video game use is resistance to my dream.  It's fear, it's a bully.  My response is be stubborn, to be tough, to act professional.  I am going to learn the korean language, that's my one goal for a year.  Along the way, I am going to live in a way that supports this.  Regular exercise, good food, socializing, and sharing my journey.  These are supportive activities.

So in summary, am I adding videogames to my reboot?  You betcha.  Am I continuing the reboot?  Absolutely.  Is that the area of focus?  Is it my dream to never play overwatch or pmo again?  No, that's not the dream, it doesn't matter enough to warrant that much energy anymore.  It's a bully, it's nasty, yes.  And devious for sure.  But I don't care about it, it needs to get the fuck out of here.  I am learning another god damn language and using that energy to positively affect the rest of my life too.  I want to reach TOPIK level 4 in one year and get a scholarship to study over there.  Because I can, I'm young, and I want to.  I'll have more specific techniques and strategies tomorrow. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 16, 2019, 02:35:45 AM
Good to hear you're pursuing your goals confidently! Since I started rebuilding my habits and avoiding PMO, I've been logging everything on a spreadsheet that I accomplish each day, ticking boxes for completing habits. Your talk about videogames makes me think of how "gamifying" your life can be really rewarding. At one point in time, I gave myself spending incentives to meet PMO abstinence goals. It could be pretty helpful, or some other type of data tracking/reward system. You can definitely combine these two types of activities productively, I bet!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 16, 2019, 05:12:33 PM
Wow, that's all amazing! The resolve you have now, not how you "blew it all up" for a little while, of course.

You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.

You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.

And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.

Rooting for you all the way!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 16, 2019, 07:20:07 PM
Day 10 - 7/16/19: 6pm

It felt really good to get that long post off my mind last night.  And I appreciate the support Rob!  I feel a strong passion towards creating something, some kind of art or organization or something.  I do know I have those three goals that I abandoned and fled from like a wolf was chasing me.  I believe that is where I must begin.  I will use the fear that drove me into pmo as a compass.  I will sail towards the fear.  Writing that puts a tingle on my spine.  I blink quickly, wiping away the beginning of a tear.  I'm starting to feel again.  It's getting more noticeable and I'm so happy about that. 

For anyone else going through a flatline who feels like a zombie the first few weeks after quitting pmo - just keep going.  I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years.  I got some new headphones on prime day, just put in one of my favorite songs and just cried.  It sounds so good, life's so beautiful man. I'm tired of hiding.  I was so tired bro.  Addiction is a monster that steals joy to prevent dreams.

I'm excited to get serious about learning a new language, it's going to be a lot of brain changing :).  In other exciting news one of my co workers who is a super talented graphic artist told me to come into work an hour early each day and she'd help me along with graphic design.  I'll have to change when I workout but I'm going to give it a try.  I'm excited to learn some skills that will help with my website I'm making to record my language learning blog.  Step by step I know, but the trend is positive.

Also, a bunch of girls have been reaching out to me.  Idk if it's a coincidence but the text conversations have been easy and fun.  I'm talking to four women right now some are just friends but still it's nice.  Now that I'm have more self love, I have love to give away in conversations and friendships.  And maybe someday a relationship.   

I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations.  I'm nervous about when they come on super strong.  I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part. 

Stay free my friends,

squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 16, 2019, 07:30:57 PM
Wow, that's all amazing! The resolve you have now, not how you "blew it all up" for a little while, of course.

You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.

You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.

And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.

Rooting for you all the way!

I learned about the concept of resistance from Steve Pressfield's War of Art and Seth Godin's the Iccarus Deception.  Those two books changed my life for sure.  I highly recommend. The addict the artist are two sides of the same coin.  Both deal with the void but in their own way. 

And thanks, I'm nervous about commiting to too much at once but I didn't I took my time to think it over.  And I've been laying the ground work for these new habits to replace gaming for months.  But without pmo and gaming I feel raw and vulnerable.  But I am also excited and committed. 

I always look forward to your replies Blue, Rob, Lero, Restoration, Do or die, thank you for all, and everyone else!  It really makes a difference. 

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 17, 2019, 02:35:50 AM
This is great so far, man! Keep going in the same way.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 17, 2019, 06:15:38 PM
I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years. 

I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations.  I'm nervous about when they come on super strong.  I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part. 


Both of these thoughts are important. That first one really resonated with me: I've hit recovery especially hard since the start of the year, and it has also been one of the hardest/worst times of my life emotionally. I've talked about it before on my journal, and there are probably a lot of reasons for why that is. But I have been thinking more lately about how part of it might just be that I'm not self-medicating with PMO right now. Maybe these bad feelings have always been there but I've never let myself feel them until now. Still a drag, but that perspective helps me to see that's all part of the actual process of healing.

It's good to stay positive, but it's also super important to be realistic about what you're experiencing. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're experiencing more urges/temptations. It's a good thing to acknowledge because it makes  you more alert. It might sound even more negative, but I don't think this is: those urges will get stronger, and really hard days will come. Get ready for it. I think that's an important thing to realize because A) I always use to think the goal was not to have urges/feel tempted anymore, but the real goal is learning how to deal with them in healthier ways when they arise, and B) when you know they're coming, you can get ready.

When those urges come, just focus on getting through the day. They might get really strong, and it might feel like they're only getting worse and the only way to make them stop is to PMO. But that's not true. No matter how bad they get, they will eventually let up if you push through. Strong urges are temporary. It has helped me a lot to learn that periods of strong urges/temptation don't last forever. Maybe a couple days, but then they go away for a while.

Keep on going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 17, 2019, 06:48:55 PM
Day 11 - 7/17/19: 7pm

Good day today, kept busy.  I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work.  I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying.  It takes two to communicate after all. 

I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones.  My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance.  I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone.  I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share.  But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.

This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone.  I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day.  So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 17, 2019, 10:10:24 PM
 Thanks for the thoughts blue, I had an experience like that tonight where I got home from work really tired and didn't do any of my goals but did make a nice dinner and watched my show.  Then and extra episode, then I went to the store and ate a bunch of candy.  Which is unusual for me but after eating a lot and watching two hours worth of the show.  I felt sugar hazed and tv glazed.  My friend asked if I want to go to this cool event in my city, and I was like "I'm tired and am just going to chill".  But then I thought about it and I realized I was making other activities numb me and give me an escape like pmo and video games used to. 

So, I said, "I changed my mind", and then went into the city and really enjoyed the event.  I'm glad I made that choice. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 18, 2019, 05:56:11 PM
Day 11 - 7/17/19: 7pm

Good day today, kept busy.  I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work.  I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying.  It takes two to communicate after all. 

I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones.  My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance.  I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone.  I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share.  But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.

This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone.  I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day.  So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Wise words man - this happened to me at 19 with my girlfriend, and it was really damaging. Good on you for finding new reasons for your commitment!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 18, 2019, 05:58:09 PM
Day 12 - 7/18/19: 7pm

I have my Korean lesson tonight and yet again I haven't studied, I didn't work out today either, and I think I have two ear infections and don't have a doctor in this city that I know.  Went to urgent care a few weeks ago and they didn't help.  I've had very low energy today and have been on my phone a lot. 

Still not a bad day.  Got a lot done at work, did my first ever lunch out with a vendor by myself and got through the day.  It was a tough day, the pain in my ears and the low energy and odd mood from pmo withdrawal have mad things challenging.  Also I don't even want to do my lesson.  I didn't study and it gets really uncomfortable when I don't. 

I'm going to keep going forward though, not every day in the beginning will be fantastic.  I'm going to do my lesson, and some chores and my workout tomorrow.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 18, 2019, 06:28:21 PM
Awesome progress, man! Great realization that you were using something else to numb yourself, and it's awesome that you changed your mind and went out to have a good time!

Yeah, thinking about spouses and SOs is one of the most complicated things for me. I feel like that's basically what I want more than anything, but I also feel like my history with porn has effectively ruled that out for me. I know with my head that that isn't true: what I did in the past shouldn't matter if I live clean in the future. But it's still something I worry about a lot. If you learn anything good from those journals, share it with me! I'm always interested in learning more about how to navigate a relationship with a history of addiction.

Keep on going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 18, 2019, 06:44:07 PM
Throughout the evening and especially right now I've been feeling a ton of fatigue and my ear is starting to really ache.  I just feel really drained. In response I canceled my lesson.  Yes I'll lose $15 but I need to go to bed and sleep a bunch.  I'm not giving up on the language goal but I certainly need a new approach.  One that involves regular practice.  If only I stopped some activity that used to use all my free time and suddenly had tons of time on my hands.. oh wait a minute ha ha.

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 18, 2019, 06:59:16 PM
Awesome progress, man! Great realization that you were using something else to numb yourself, and it's awesome that you changed your mind and went out to have a good time!

Yeah, thinking about spouses and SOs is one of the most complicated things for me. I feel like that's basically what I want more than anything, but I also feel like my history with porn has effectively ruled that out for me. I know with my head that that isn't true: what I did in the past shouldn't matter if I live clean in the future. But it's still something I worry about a lot. If you learn anything good from those journals, share it with me! I'm always interested in learning more about how to navigate a relationship with a history of addiction.

Keep on going!

I feel that too man.  The thing is though, women can be very understanding and supportive.  I might even say a man who has overcome adversity and purposefully made a life he enjoys is way more attractive than a man who hasn't had as much struggle.  The addict is interesting and attractive because we are called to something.  On the other hand, the addict is mind numbingly boring and frustrating because we never live out that calling and just run to the addiction. If you are living out your calling instead of running to the addiction, you will be more artist than addict.   
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 18, 2019, 08:09:39 PM
Throughout the evening and especially right now I've been feeling a ton of fatigue and my ear is starting to really ache.  I just feel really drained. In response I canceled my lesson.  Yes I'll lose $15 but I need to go to bed and sleep a bunch.  I'm not giving up on the language goal but I certainly need a new approach.  One that involves regular practice.  If only I stopped some activity that used to use all my free time and suddenly had tons of time on my hands.. oh wait a minute ha ha.

So interesting development here, I sent my teacher a message canceling the lesson through the website app, it is an online lesson.  But she must not have seen because she called me on skype at our lesson time. I had brushed my teeth and was able to lay down.  But after frantically plugging on my mic and headphones, I answered the call. 

And you know what?  Even though I haven't studied in weeks and my ear hurt and all the bullshit .. once I sat down and started communicating in Korean and learning, I was okay.  I was better than okay, I was laughing, cracking jokes in Korean and had a great time and one of my best lessons ever.  Incredible, I was thinking of quitting tonight.  But I'm more motivated now than I've been in a long time.  It's not the language that's hard, it's the sitting down to study or to use the language that's hard.  Once I'm there and in the action, my fear goes away and I'm okay. 

I believe this experience tonight will be key in the weeks to come.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 19, 2019, 05:50:57 AM
I just want you to know that you are so loved. I think you should know this as i don't think you realise just how amazing You are and just how much you mean to me and others. You are VALUED and PRECIOUS. Whatever you're feeling, however you are, please know that you are flipping INCREDIBLE!!

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on July 19, 2019, 12:30:51 PM
Your goals are just right, don't be disappointed if your radical change of lifestyle doesn't work 100% from the beginning and there are setbacks along the road. Life is about creating beautiful memories and the only thing porn ever creates is the feeling of regret. Video games might not have the same amount of damage, but still you won't sit there 5 years from now thinking "Remember when I finally reached the next level at my favourite game?"

Learning a language opens new worlds and connects you to new people, making new experiences that will last. Still there is hard work behind it and it's up to you to learn the self discipline and motivation to make it through tough times as you already experienced with low motivation.

You are on the right track and consistency will lead you to success!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 19, 2019, 11:11:27 PM
Your goals are just right, don't be disappointed if your radical change of lifestyle doesn't work 100% from the beginning and there are setbacks along the road. Life is about creating beautiful memories and the only thing porn ever creates is the feeling of regret. Video games might not have the same amount of damage, but still you won't sit there 5 years from now thinking "Remember when I finally reached the next level at my favourite game?"

Learning a language opens new worlds and connects you to new people, making new experiences that will last. Still there is hard work behind it and it's up to you to learn the self discipline and motivation to make it through tough times as you already experienced with low motivation.

You are on the right track and consistency will lead you to success!  :)

Thank you my friend.  I'm on way my there and privileged to share the journey with you
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 20, 2019, 01:14:57 PM
Day 13 - 7/19/19

Yesterday was very strange.  I went to an after work bbq and ending up staying there all night.  Lots of drinking and at the end of the night I ate an edible for the first time.  That was very trippy, getting home was a blur.  I don't think I would have had it if I wasn't really drunk.  It was alright but not planning on doing it again any time soon. 

In other news, the tinder girl I've been messaging a lot didn't work out.  We were scheduling a meet up a few times and she kept finding excuses.  Then today she said she went out with someone else and is going with him.  That kind of hurts because I thought we were having some good conversations.  But nothing counts in online dating until you meet in person so it's whatever.  Also she might just be on there to practice English.  Annoying though. 

I'm definitely starting to feel different, two weeks of no pmo.  It's weird and I'm not used to it yet.  But excited for the future.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 20, 2019, 02:24:32 PM
So you have as many days as me, man? This is great. Keep applying the same tactics and you will be fine.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 20, 2019, 04:37:39 PM
So you have as many days as me, man? This is great. Keep applying the same tactics and you will be fine.

Thanks Lero, you too, keep it up
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 20, 2019, 08:05:13 PM
Day 14 - 7/20/19: 9pm

Woke up really late from the partying late night and felt really weird probably because I had my first edible late in the night.  My friend last minute suggested we go to see the moon landing movie and I'm glad I did, it was awesome.  Spent the afternoon and evening in the city and then had dinner with my friend.  Came back and played three hours of overwatch.  I've played twice this week.  It's a big improvement and I'm continuing to play less and less and put that time elsewhere.

Haven't had many urges, the flatline continues.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 20, 2019, 11:10:45 PM
I feel that too man.  The thing is though, women can be very understanding and supportive.  I might even say a man who has overcome adversity and purposefully made a life he enjoys is way more attractive than a man who hasn't had as much struggle.  The addict is interesting and attractive because we are called to something.  On the other hand, the addict is mind numbingly boring and frustrating because we never live out that calling and just run to the addiction. If you are living out your calling instead of running to the addiction, you will be more artist than addict.   

I really like this thought, especially the artist vs addict thing. I definitely want to head in the artist direction and run toward my calling and not away from it.

But it sounds like you're making some good progress these last couple days! That's exciting stuff! Keep doing what you're doing and sticking with your goals. It's like the say, 95% of it (or some big percentage) is just showing up. That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 21, 2019, 07:32:00 AM
That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!

One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 21, 2019, 11:45:22 AM
That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!

One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.

I think you guys are on to something there.  The cycle seems to be: I have goals I want to reach, I'm scared of failure and success, so I take that energy and put it into video games and pmo, then my brain feels like I have a fantastic sex life and am very active, and then my body feels disconnected.  Emotions come from the body so those fade too and then my brain is confused that things aren't going fantastic. 

Now that I'm two weeks pmo free with a lot less gaming, I'm starting to see that my life isn't how I felt it was in my head in a pmo daze.  I have ambition and it's terrifying that the pmo and gaming take me out of the game for months at a time.  Youth is fleeting, I'm only 25 once and I feel that there is a lot of progress I want to dive into.  But I don't want to burn out.

So yeah if I define my goal, break it down into monthly weekly and daily chunks and use routine to reserve the time and work little by little, I think I can do it.

I've been feeling very weird the past few days.  Almost like I'm waking up but am still partially asleep. I have moments of clarity and moments of confusion.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 21, 2019, 09:26:58 PM
Day 15 - 7/21/19: 7:30pm

Had a fantastic weekend, been making better fitness choices and my energy level feels really great. Also motivation is starting to come back.  People have been telling me I look happy.  :)

Okay let's go more goal specific: I want to learn the korean language.  That's the big one.  The monster whale.  The main man.  I've been taking lessons for two years on and off and feel like I have little to show for it.

The first step is to review my flashcards and my lesson notes from last Thursday.  I will do this tomorrow.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 21, 2019, 11:37:36 PM
One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.

I think routine is exactly the word I was looking for! Yeah, I think there is a lot of value in routine. For example, instead of having a goal to learn Korean, maybe make a goal to study Korean every day no matter what. Maybe some days that will be like a whole hour, but it's okay if it's only 5 minutes. As long as it's something. For me, at least, setting goals around routines or habits has been way more helpful than setting goals around achievements. If I think of it as an achievement, I usually end up putting off and waiting until I'll have "enough time" to do it. But if I think about my goal as a habit, then I just do a little bit every day and I make constant progress towards my actual goal.

Glad you had a great weekend! Go get 'em this week!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 21, 2019, 11:40:02 PM
In the belly of the whale:

Things looked to be pretty straight forward tonight.  I had a wonderful weekend, a great day, and I was getting ready for bed at 10pm.  And I decided that I would play some overwatch.  I said I would add it to the reboot.  But I've still been playing.  A lot less though.  So I played for an hour and a half and then got that restless feeling that used to start when I was playing and would always lead to pmo. 

It's like a novelty urge I think.  I'm playing and I'm like, one more, one more.  And every game is different, different heroes, different maps and different opponents.  The first few games are really fun then I gets in the novelty craving mood.  But I recognized this was happening and turned the game off at 11:30. 

I then went on my phone.  I'm on my phone a lot, probably not the best idea.  I was looking through my Facebook stories and game across one of my old college friends with very little on. That was a strong trigger.  I immediately turned my phone off. Then I said, I'll read a book.  So I got a book off the shelf about a guy meeting a film crew who wants to shoot footage for a film version of his memoir.  He talks a lot about not remembering many memories and a few other things that were triggering me because they reminded me of past actions I regret. 

Then I turned to phone back on to post on here.  The restlessness feeling is here, the physical feeling down below is here, and my heart is beating a little faster in anticipation of pmo.  Can't blame the heart really, that was the pattern for a long time.  I'm 15 days in and I'm so happy.  It's my longest streak in months. 

It seems to me that pmo urges and me having trouble falling asleep and video game binges come right after a lot of progress on my dreams and right before the next step.  In many ways it's like hearing the call to over over the trench across no man's land and instead of answering the call, taking my rifle and blowing a hole in my foot.  It's like "oh no, look at me, I'm injured, I'm sick, I had a disease, I'm addicted, I can't possibly go over the trench, I'll stay here in the dark and fantasize and pretend that I have all those things I want."  But it's not real.

Do you know what types of overwatch heroes I play?  Tanks, front line main tanks.  Not afraid to charge in and open up the fight.  I want to do that in real life, not just sitting in front of the laptop. 

I don't even like sitting, I don't really even like video games.  If I had a magic wand, I would learn a craft.  I would learn korean, do tons of backpacking on weekends preparing for the PCT, be social every Friday night and doing lots of meet ups and organizing on the weekdays and preparing for the future.  I'd be 30 pounds lighter, and way more confident.  I'd finally record my travel and vlog style internet show I've been thinking about for years and years, maybe do a podcast too. I want to be with a woman again, it's been a long time. 

But when I get worked up and vow and promise to myself to make it all happen, I get excited for a few days then go back to my old habits.  But I have done incredible things but I in the past come back to my old habits of pmo and video games.

Hmmm, I was going to do this tomorrow in my entry but let's do it now.

1. Korean language:
I don't practice or study, that's why I'm not learning.
New habit:
A. On my train commute each way, study my online flashcards, (total of 40 mins) if I run out add more flash cards from lesson notes or my book.
B. Over diner review my grammar concepts and write out homework exercises
C.  After I finish black sails, which I'm almost done, watch K dramas and shows for entertainment.  Do this instead of overwatch
D.  If I play overwatch, play on the korean servers.

2. Generally Fit:
I eat too much and move very little.  I am an office worker and the sedentary lifestyle has cause me to gain 30 pounds I don't need.  That's a lot :o it seems to me.  Just 10 months ago I was as fit as a worldclass athlete after hiking 2,200 miles straight. I was able to fit in a my old clothes.  I got depressed after the trail while I had trouble finding a job and gained the weight back then and at the office.
A. Continue to do Pavels simple kettlebell program almost every morning before work.  This has been going well and I like the program.
B. After work cardio, often with my friend.  Running, long walk, biking, paddling, stairs etc.
C. Take a 30 minute lunch break and walk.  Every day if possible.
D. Use stand up desk at work 25% of the time and work my way up.
E. Eat more vegetables.
F. Sleep 9 hours a day. - this is tough but the benefits are astronomical.

3. The vlog, blog, show thing.
A. Spend a few minutes before bed dreaming about and planing what it will look like.
B. Continue to blog on reboot nation, it's good writing practice.

4. Meeting a lady.
A. This will come as I gain momentum but I will be proactive on the dating apps.

Now I need to decide if I should workout tomorrow morning on 6.5 hours of sleep or sleep in and get 7.5ish hours and workout the next day.  I think the sleep is more important since I worked out twice today and need to recover.  I'm serious about the 9 hours of sleep, it will be a game changer. 10-7.

Thanks for reading, anyone who made it to the end of this post.  I stayed the course and now the urge has passed and I'm sleepy again.  :)
 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 22, 2019, 01:10:01 PM
Nice job squid. We've got a lot of similarities here I see, and I love how you kept to your if...then rule to post when you started to feel urges. I'm in the same boat here. I told myself that the most important thing I do over the next few months - more important than finding a job, getting fit, or anything else (not that those aren't important) is that I quit this habit. How can I go on living normally and be the person I purport to be if I cannot even follow a simple rule for myself. Stay on with your commitment and the rest will come on gradually like a tidal wave!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 22, 2019, 04:53:51 PM
Nice job squid. We've got a lot of similarities here I see, and I love how you kept to your if...then rule to post when you started to feel urges. I'm in the same boat here. I told myself that the most important thing I do over the next few months - more important than finding a job, getting fit, or anything else (not that those aren't important) is that I quit this habit. How can I go on living normally and be the person I purport to be if I cannot even follow a simple rule for myself. Stay on with your commitment and the rest will come on gradually like a tidal wave!

We do have a lot of similarities rob!  Last night was sudden and challenging but I got through it and had a great day today.  I hear what you are saying about making quiting pmo a top priority but in my experience that hasn't been effective.  For me, even thinking about quitting or thinking about how I hate it or thinking of it at all is still thinking about it.  And that attention gives it power. 

Instead I focus on the dream that spawned the resistance.  By moving closer to the goal and things that make me really happy and satisfied, I move away from pmo.  Because pmo is the shadow of my dream,.  It's fear designed by my mind to get me stuck so that I don't move forward with my art and my passion. 

So in essence, yes quitting pmo is a top priority, sure, but the way I'm doing it is by focusing on and building habits around activities my heart longs for.  The pmo doesn't matter, it's a distraction that wasted a lot of time and caused great pain.  So my advice is to make your goal something that takes you away from pmo but has more of a direction than just stopping pmo.


Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 22, 2019, 08:37:23 PM
Day 16 - 7/22/19: 9:30pm

Today I slept instead of doing the morning workout, got to work a few minutes after but it's okay.  Studied my flashcards on the way in but not on the commute out, I was just really tired and it was hard to focus.  I took a 30 minute walk with a coworker today which was really awesome and got a lot done at work.  I am becoming more confident.  I still don't like our management but staying the course for now, am starting to update resume and linked in though.  After work made a nice dinner, and then..

I ran into an old habit, I eat dinner and watch some videos, which I did instead of reviewing lesson notes.  I don't think dinner is a good time to review afterall.  And then I brought my phone to the danger zone and then.. 

I realized it.  I immediately turned it off and reached into the drawer and pulled out the bathbomb box with my emergency kit inside.  The smell of lavender is permanently soaked into the box and smells nice and relaxing.  I read my notes to myself and cried, they are very meaningful to me.  I then wrote a quick paragraph about what I was feeling, grabbed a warhead blue raspberry, one of my favorites, and left the room..

Then I put on my favorite workout album and ran two miles and then it started pouring down rain and I was running and smiling and feeling like a badass.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 22, 2019, 11:22:14 PM
Awesome awesome stuff! I'm super glad that your relapse first-aid kit did the trick!

I also think it's great that you're trying out new things and figuring out what works. I think it's awesome that you did your flashcards on the way to work, and that it's probably okay if you don't do them on the way back. Maybe just reading a book or something would be better for your when you're tired but still be "productive." And I'm with you: I always think I'll be productive at dinner, but it just doesn't work out. At least now, it's also like the only chance I have in a day to watch a show, so I let myself do it then. It's not a failure if you end up doing things differently than you originally planned. It's all just part of the learning experience of trying out new things and building a new pattern of living. Keep experimenting and adjusting, and you'll find something that works sustainably.

I think that novelty urge is something worth paying attention to. I remember reading that one of the things that makes porn addictive is constant novelty. Someone or something new is always just a click away, so it keeps us looking for the next new rush. I definitely find myself stuck in searching for novelty, endlessly scrolling on YouTube or on a news app just to find something "new" even though there are other things I want to be doing. I think it's a great idea to work on that urge for novelty. It is keeping me distracted from important tasks now (and it also doesn't seem like a great foundation for a stable, long-term relationship either).

Just keep working at it, day by day! Build that streak by focusing on what you need to take care of today!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 23, 2019, 07:23:07 AM
Awesome awesome stuff! I'm super glad that your relapse first-aid kit did the trick!

I also think it's great that you're trying out new things and figuring out what works. I think it's awesome that you did your flashcards on the way to work, and that it's probably okay if you don't do them on the way back. Maybe just reading a book or something would be better for your when you're tired but still be "productive." And I'm with you: I always think I'll be productive at dinner, but it just doesn't work out. At least now, it's also like the only chance I have in a day to watch a show, so I let myself do it then. It's not a failure if you end up doing things differently than you originally planned. It's all just part of the learning experience of trying out new things and building a new pattern of living. Keep experimenting and adjusting, and you'll find something that works sustainably.

I think that novelty urge is something worth paying attention to. I remember reading that one of the things that makes porn addictive is constant novelty. Someone or something new is always just a click away, so it keeps us looking for the next new rush. I definitely find myself stuck in searching for novelty, endlessly scrolling on YouTube or on a news app just to find something "new" even though there are other things I want to be doing. I think it's a great idea to work on that urge for novelty. It is keeping me distracted from important tasks now (and it also doesn't seem like a great foundation for a stable, long-term relationship either).

Just keep working at it, day by day! Build that streak by focusing on what you need to take care of today!

Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 23, 2019, 08:21:22 AM
Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 23, 2019, 10:35:51 AM
Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.

I did this last year when I thru hiked the Appalachian Trail and lived in the woods for six months, it's a powerful experience that I highly recommend.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 23, 2019, 11:14:31 AM
Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.

Ditto that on social media algorithms. They're literally designed to promote you content to maximize the time you'll spend on things like "watch time" on the site. I've spent years trying to optimize my content to YouTube's algorithm, and it's made me pretty guilty in this way for producing content. Ditto that on having a hunter gatherer brain as well. While I still love making my own EDM tracks, I definitely get to a serious saturation point with listening to the music and the mechanisms through which it's available to us. Not good for my brain. Over the next couple months, I'd be down to join you in figuring out where else this is at play in our lives, from music song switching, to internet use, to social media, etc.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 23, 2019, 07:12:05 PM
Day 17 - 7/23/19: 8pm

It was an alright day today.  Studied some flashcards and had a lot of trouble focusing at work.  Have been clicking through a lot of articles and other junk on my phone. Overwatch made a new hero so I went home and played for three hours and ate some candy.  About to go on a walk with my friend.  I feel weirdly tired and restless. 

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 23, 2019, 09:41:46 PM
So I came home and played three hours of overwatch and it really put me in a slump, I've been noticing that.  My friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wanted to go on a walk.  I said yes then I realized I wanted to run.  I sit in front of the computer all day at work then all night at home and I wonder why I feel jittery and weird.  I'm just not designed to do that, it's foolish.  I did my run and then a mile walk and it was awesome.  Glad I did it.  Even when you don't feel great or feel like showing up, just show up and then you'll feel good.  It's the showing up that's the hardest part.

Tomorrow's plan:
Morning kettlebell workout
No playing on phone at work
Study as soon as I get home from work for 30 mins
Log on to the website I bought a few months ago for the blog and dream about how great it would be to post some stuff.

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 23, 2019, 11:34:55 PM
I love going on walks: they get me away from the usual environment and stimuli and help me to refocus my mind and refresh my body. Glad you got a chance to get out a little.

Excited about your commitment to show up! Even if you can't do everything you want to do, make sure you do something. Carve out some time, any time, in your day for each thing you want to work on and then show up for it. Regularity and diligence are way more important than a lot of other things when it comes to achieving goals.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 24, 2019, 08:30:10 AM
I love going on walks: they get me away from the usual environment and stimuli and help me to refocus my mind and refresh my body. Glad you got a chance to get out a little.

Excited about your commitment to show up! Even if you can't do everything you want to do, make sure you do something. Carve out some time, any time, in your day for each thing you want to work on and then show up for it. Regularity and diligence are way more important than a lot of other things when it comes to achieving goals.

Me too blue!  Walks are great.  And so is showing up
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 24, 2019, 09:10:15 AM
So I came home and played three hours of overwatch and it really put me in a slump, I've been noticing that.  My friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wanted to go on a walk.  I said yes then I realized I wanted to run.  I sit in front of the computer all day at work then all night at home and I wonder why I feel jittery and weird.  I'm just not designed to do that, it's foolish.  I did my run and then a mile walk and it was awesome.  Glad I did it.  Even when you don't feel great or feel like showing up, just show up and then you'll feel good.  It's the showing up that's the hardest part.

Tomorrow's plan:
Morning kettlebell workout
No playing on phone at work
Study as soon as I get home from work for 30 mins
Log on to the website I bought a few months ago for the blog and dream about how great it would be to post some stuff.

Similar feelings here. I'm on day 13 and going on day 14 and just starting to realize how ritualistic PMO had become in my bedtime routine. Insomnia is making a slight resurgence again. I'm replacing it by fantasizing. And when I'm not fantasizing about women, I'm thinking about my own muscle-building goals, which is yet still sexualized. Sorry to hear about the work putting stress on you by not tiring you out in the right ways! If it's any consolation, as a teacher, I found myself standing in front of a room supervising for many hours a day, then packed into crowded trains and subways for hours on end, which led to great muscle aches and pains. I suppose it's sort of a consequence of any workplace ^_^ Did you talk about setting up an ergonomic office? I thought that was a great idea!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 24, 2019, 09:40:24 AM
So I came home and played three hours of overwatch and it really put me in a slump, I've been noticing that.  My friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wanted to go on a walk.  I said yes then I realized I wanted to run.  I sit in front of the computer all day at work then all night at home and I wonder why I feel jittery and weird.  I'm just not designed to do that, it's foolish.  I did my run and then a mile walk and it was awesome.  Glad I did it.  Even when you don't feel great or feel like showing up, just show up and then you'll feel good.  It's the showing up that's the hardest part.

Tomorrow's plan:
Morning kettlebell workout
No playing on phone at work
Study as soon as I get home from work for 30 mins
Log on to the website I bought a few months ago for the blog and dream about how great it would be to post some stuff.

Similar feelings here. I'm on day 13 and going on day 14 and just starting to realize how ritualistic PMO had become in my bedtime routine. Insomnia is making a slight resurgence again. I'm replacing it by fantasizing. And when I'm not fantasizing about women, I'm thinking about my own muscle-building goals, which is yet still sexualized. Sorry to hear about the work putting stress on you by not tiring you out in the right ways! If it's any consolation, as a teacher, I found myself standing in front of a room supervising for many hours a day, then packed into crowded trains and subways for hours on end, which led to great muscle aches and pains. I suppose it's sort of a consequence of any workplace ^_^ Did you talk about setting up an ergonomic office? I thought that was a great idea!

I did recently get a stand up desk so that helps for sure!  I had trouble sleeping last night too but still got my morning workout in :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 24, 2019, 04:35:19 PM
Day 18 - 7/24/19: 5pm

Got all ready for bed at 10:30 then decided to play overwatch and play on my phone until 1am.  I wasn't super sleepy but I didn't really try to go to sleep so that's not fair to say.  So this morning I was already at a disadvantage and I slept through my alarm and got out of bed about to shower.  And then I started thinking.  If my morning workout is really important to me, I could make it work. Maybe get to work a little later but I had to stay late today for a delivery anyway.  So I didn't hop in the shower, instead I grab my kettlebells, we outside and walked to the park that is my gym.  I did the whole workout in 16 minutes.  16 minutes is all it takes to complete an activity that makes me feel good all day long. 

On my commute in I read my workout book to get a better idea if I was doing the program correctly.  Brushed up on my form.  I'm starting to increase my reps and within 3 weeks will probably up my weight to bigger bells and I want to make sure my form is solid before doing that.

I didn't play on my phone at work at all in the morning until after lunch.  I just get so bored and zoned out I spent an embarrassing amount of time on my phone when I was supposed to be working, that doesn't sit right with me. Even though I don't like my job, I want to like how I do my job.  What do you guys do to have a strong afternoon at work?  I get bored and it's super hard to focus.

Went on a thirty minute walk with a co worker which was awesome and a great way to break up the day.

On my way home now.  Instead of studying, I want to do a quick after work run or bike, then dinner then study.  I think that order will be better.

Maybe I'll bike to the library, need to return my book.  Oh I could study there.  Now I think I'll eat with my friend then bike to library and study.  It will be nice to give my shins a rest from running.

Fitness goal: 165lbs by January. 
Today's weight in: 193.6

Korean goal: Add my lesson note vocab to flash cards and organize my grammar points and begin writing scripts of things I want to sau to my teacher.  Time to be more proactive.

Blog goal: Record my kettlebell working both for the blog and to check my form.  I logged into the website last night and am getting more excited.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 24, 2019, 11:07:06 PM
Good stuff! Consistency is huge. I used to just go to bed as soon as I got tired (or bored), but I recently started setting a regular bedtime for myself and it has actually helped me to get better sleep through the night. I know for me, a good night's slip is a big deal. If I even miss an hour, I'm messed up the next day. That might not be true for everyone, but it is something I know goes into taking care of myself.

Really great that you squeezed in a 16 minute workout. And it honestly sounds like a pretty good day from there. I've definitely been spending more time thinking about how I start my day. I have discovered that I do better when I start well. If I don't get a good start, it's hard for me to catch up. It sounds like you're getting right on track and moving forward in a great way. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 25, 2019, 05:45:12 AM
Good stuff! Consistency is huge. I used to just go to bed as soon as I got tired (or bored), but I recently started setting a regular bedtime for myself and it has actually helped me to get better sleep through the night. I know for me, a good night's slip is a big deal. If I even miss an hour, I'm messed up the next day. That might not be true for everyone, but it is something I know goes into taking care of myself.

Really great that you squeezed in a 16 minute workout. And it honestly sounds like a pretty good day from there. I've definitely been spending more time thinking about how I start my day. I have discovered that I do better when I start well. If I don't get a good start, it's hard for me to catch up. It sounds like you're getting right on track and moving forward in a great way. Keep it up!

In general I'm the type of guy who does "unpleasant" things only if they become routine. Like going to sleep, for example. Let's say I am used to going to sleep late. Going to sleep earlier would not be something I would like to move to. That's why I have to push through it until it becomes routine and then it happens without me thinking about it. I guess it works for everything else in my life, that's why for a while I fuck things up. Same with edging, for example. Staying away from this stupid thing has to become routine. In the beginning it will feel like a chore.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 25, 2019, 07:01:00 PM
Day 19 - 7/25/19: 7pm

Thanks for the replies everyone!  I think you are absolutely right about consistency and routine.  I want to explore that further, in detail with specifics.
 
But first, got a random semi erection today, that was pretty cool, I hope it's a sign of my flatline ending. 

I'm struggling with a few specific things. 

1.  First, I'm not sleeping enough or that well. Here the pattern.  I tell my roommate I'm going to bed early, talk about it almost every night, brush my teeth and put on my night clothes and then.. play on my phone for 45 minutes, read sometimes and more frequently, play overwatch for a few hours. 

For example, this morning I had to leave my house at 7:30am for an event at work.  I knew this and in some weird way enjoyed sabotaging it by playing overwatch for many hours until 1:30am.  As a direct result, I had nightmares about missing my alarm, my team at work was counting on me being there on time.  I set three alarms and woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave etc etc.  I made it on time but that choice made my whole day much more stressful and difficult and now I'm really tired.  So sleeping is the first challenge.

2. This ties into number 1, playing overwatch.  You guys will empathize I think. 

A.I sit down to play whenever life's rough or I feel a little down or something didn't work out or I'm not happy with something in my life.
B.  When I play I reach a flow state very quickly.  I feel competent and in control, I feel powerful.  I play main tanks in overwatch.  So in the game I am the one in the front line initiating.  In my real life I'm terrified of initiating but in fiction I'm the first one through the door.  I don't really play for novelty like I used to pmo.  Instead I play the same heroes consistently and perform consistently.  I think my pmo was driven by my drive for connection or curiousity or wanting to try new things.

But, playing overwatch is more about feeling on the zone, feeling comfortable but also feeling impactful.  Still novelty involved as each game is different but other factors are more at the forefront.  I think my drive to show up, to make art, to become fit, to be noticed, my drive to lead.  All these things plus my fear equal overwatch for me.  It's fun too but not so much lately. 

3. I'm on my phone all the time, like all the time.  Even in the bathroom which is absolutely the dumbest idea in the world.  On my phone I mainly click through articles and links.  Click click click.  It makes my eyes hurt staring at the small screen all the time and I just feel like blug afterwards.  And I'm not really interested in the content. 

4.  The main one.  All of these bullshit activities take up any time that I could spend on my art.  I have so many dreams and goals but as soon I get time to work on them my brain freaks out and I get super uncomfortable.  Then I go play overwatch and feel numbed out and mellow again.  I just want to stop self sabotaging and start putting my work out there.

Any thoughts?

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 25, 2019, 09:44:55 PM
Day 19 - 7/25/19: 7pm

Thanks for the replies everyone!  I think you are absolutely right about consistency and routine.  I want to explore that further, in detail with specifics.
 
But first, got a random semi erection today, that was pretty cool, I hope it's a sign of my flatline ending. 

I'm struggling with a few specific things. 

1.  First, I'm not sleeping enough or that well. Here the pattern.  I tell my roommate I'm going to bed early, talk about it almost every night, brush my teeth and put on my night clothes and then.. play on my phone for 45 minutes, read sometimes and more frequently, play overwatch for a few hours. 

For example, this morning I had to leave my house at 7:30am for an event at work.  I knew this and in some weird way enjoyed sabotaging it by playing overwatch for many hours until 1:30am.  As a direct result, I had nightmares about missing my alarm, my team at work was counting on me being there on time.  I set three alarms and woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave etc etc.  I made it on time but that choice made my whole day much more stressful and difficult and now I'm really tired.  So sleeping is the first challenge.

2. This ties into number 1, playing overwatch.  You guys will empathize I think. 

A.I sit down to play whenever life's rough or I feel a little down or something didn't work out or I'm not happy with something in my life.
B.  When I play I reach a flow state very quickly.  I feel competent and in control, I feel powerful.  I play main tanks in overwatch.  So in the game I am the one in the front line initiating.  In my real life I'm terrified of initiating but in fiction I'm the first one through the door.  I don't really play for novelty like I used to pmo.  Instead I play the same heroes consistently and perform consistently.  I think my pmo was driven by my drive for connection or curiousity or wanting to try new things.

But, playing overwatch is more about feeling on the zone, feeling comfortable but also feeling impactful.  Still novelty involved as each game is different but other factors are more at the forefront.  I think my drive to show up, to make art, to become fit, to be noticed, my drive to lead.  All these things plus my fear equal overwatch for me.  It's fun too but not so much lately. 

3. I'm on my phone all the time, like all the time.  Even in the bathroom which is absolutely the dumbest idea in the world.  On my phone I mainly click through articles and links.  Click click click.  It makes my eyes hurt staring at the small screen all the time and I just feel like blug afterwards.  And I'm not really interested in the content. 

4.  The main one.  All of these bullshit activities take up any time that I could spend on my art.  I have so many dreams and goals but as soon I get time to work on them my brain freaks out and I get super uncomfortable.  Then I go play overwatch and feel numbed out and mellow again.  I just want to stop self sabotaging and start putting my work out there.

Any thoughts?

-squid

Squid, I'd recommend finding parts of your life you can "game"-ify. I used to be addicted to video games, but over the last two weeks I've lost all desire to play them since my YouTube channel required me to play games for hours on end to produce content and I feel almost nauseous at the idea of playing a game again, or even interacting with the gaming community, since so much of it to me represents meaningless hedonism (haha, well, at least that's the bad part of it). Before two weeks ago, I played games on and on and felt absolutely bored by them. I made videos commentating on my every move in games, trying to make them seem entertaining and exciting with let's play videos I filmed, but I felt like a hack, since I stopped believing that gmaign was doing much for building me up as a person. With one major exception - games' ability to direct you automatically to goal-oriented behavior. I thoroughly enjoyed the competition as you seem to relate to with Overwatch. I struggled with RTS games like Company of Heroes and as a kid with MMOs like Runescape. A couple ways I got myself off of gaming were by strictly practicing the guitar in "workout" sessions a la the Steve Vai Guitar Workout and tracking fitness data through spreadsheets, apps like strava which track running pace, etc. What kind of art do you create? There are many social media platforms to help you get a sense of motivation by doing things like counting likes, followers, etc. I became a massive data nerd when I started YouTubing, but it ultimately helped me transition away from gaming and see it as something pretty inconsequential to my larger goals, which is what it sounds like you're trying to fit your behavior to. Forgive me if I'm reading my own feelings onto your post. Does that help?

As for the click addiction sort of thing, I too am struggling with it, as I've still spent a lot of time on the computer over the last couple days, though I'm working on it by eliminating smaller behaviors at a time. I've made it about 3-4 days already without using any music playlists or listening to music at all, which has improved my attention span a bit, and now I'm thinking of what behavior to target next. I deleted certain apps like Facebook from my phone so I don't check constantly, and I check them only during a designated time each day for new notifications. Perhaps this might help with your phone dilemma? Or maybe you could put your phone in a room in your house, and give yourself a rule like "I will only use my phone when I'm standing up in the kitchen" This way, perhaps you will condition yourself in a sort of Pavlovian sense, but you will control the desired behavior as you see fit. Thoughts?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 26, 2019, 06:25:58 AM
Day 19 - 7/25/19: 7pm

commend finding parts of your life you can "game"-ify. I used to be addicted to video games, but over the last two weeks I've lost all desire to play them since my YouTube channel required me to play games for hours on end to produce content and I feel almost nauseous at the idea of playing a game again, or even interacting with the gaming community, since so much of it to me represents meaningless hedonism (haha, well, at least that's the bad part of it). Before two weeks ago, I played games on and on and felt absolutely bored by them. I made videos commentating on my every move in games, trying to make them seem entertaining and exciting with let's play videos I filmed, but I felt like a hack, since I stopped believing that gmaign was doing much for building me up as a person. With one major exception - games' ability to direct you automatically to goal-oriented behavior. I thoroughly enjoyed the competition as you seem to relate to with Overwatch. I struggled with RTS games like Company of Heroes and as a kid with MMOs like Runescape. A couple ways I got myself off of gaming were by strictly practicing the guitar in "workout" sessions a la the Steve Vai Guitar Workout and tracking fitness data through spreadsheets, apps like strava which track running pace, etc. What kind of art do you create? There are many social media platforms to help you get a sense of motivation by doing things like counting likes, followers, etc. I became a massive data nerd when I started YouTubing, but it ultimately helped me transition away from gaming and see it as something pretty inconsequential to my larger goals, which is what it sounds like you're trying to fit your behavior to. Forgive me if I'm reading my own feelings onto your post. Does that help?

As for the click addiction sort of thing, I too am struggling with it, as I've still spent a lot of time on the computer over the last couple days, though I'm working on it by eliminating smaller behaviors at a time. I've made it about 3-4 days already without using any music playlists or listening to music at all, which has improved my attention span a bit, and now I'm thinking of what behavior to target next. I deleted certain apps like Facebook from my phone so I don't check constantly, and I check them only during a designated time each day for new notifications. Perhaps this might help with your phone dilemma? Or maybe you could put your phone in a room in your house, and give yourself a rule like "I will only use my phone when I'm standing up in the kitchen" This way, perhaps you will condition yourself in a sort of Pavlovian sense, but you will control the desired behavior as you see fit. Thoughts?

I recently started putting my workouts on strava, it's been fun.  The main art I want to create right now is a blog or vlog about me learning Korean.  I've decided to see what my life would be like without gaming for the rest of my reboot.  I said I'd add it earlier but I didn't really try.  I uninstalled the games and am going to really focus on using that time for Korean, fitness, and writing.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 26, 2019, 11:51:46 AM
Goo to hear it squid! I'm currently liquidating a lot of my expensive electronics on eBay and Amazon to put them into a savings account. You push me to keep at this! Uninstalling should help too! I'd even recommend uninstalling the client or moving your gaming system/computer to make sure that you have a moment to think before you get started again. Strava is also an excellent way to go!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on July 26, 2019, 03:50:02 PM
Help. I just relapsed
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 26, 2019, 04:37:01 PM
Help. I just relapsed

Take a deep breath and a long walk.  Think about how far you've come in your 21 day reboot, and how far you've come in the other reboots.  Celebrate your effort and thank yourself for noticing the relapse.  Then solidify your resolve.  Decide what you want and what you don't want in your life.  Every day you get older my friend, we all do.  You are in a position with the knowledge and time to make an incredible impact in your life and in everyone you interact with.

Leaving pmo is hard, you are deciding to stop running from your fear.  Now decide what you are running towards and refused to be stopped.  You are a brave man, you are trying, you are smart and intelligent and you can make a plan.  Step by step by step.  I walked across 14 states consecutively and I did it one restaurant at a time.  Pick a three day goal and hit it, and on and on.  Go out and wreck some shit, you got this! 

Sending you good vibes and the best of thoughts!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 26, 2019, 06:46:44 PM
Goo to hear it squid! I'm currently liquidating a lot of my expensive electronics on eBay and Amazon to put them into a savings account. You push me to keep at this! Uninstalling should help too! I'd even recommend uninstalling the client or moving your gaming system/computer to make sure that you have a moment to think before you get started again. Strava is also an excellent way to go!

That's awesome Rob!  And think of how you can use that money to support the new habits.  You could join a gym, yoga, massage, spa, rent ski equipment, go on aome hot dates or lots of other awesome things :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 26, 2019, 07:02:10 PM
Day 20 - 7/26/19: 8pm

Twenty days babyyyyy!  Thank you to everyone for the support.  Compared to 20 days ago things have improved a lot.

1. More energy, motivation and focus
2. Notice things and habits more and make positive steps
3. Found three awesome organizations I'm volunteering for
4. More social easier to talk to people
5. Better sleep
6. Starting to feel again down below
7. Starting to become attracted to real women again

Time for some honest vulnerable talk I'd appreciate your thoughts on.  So I'm 25 but have only had sex twice, this was with my last girlfriend while I was hiking across America so I didn't get to see her very often (only one actually, before we ended things because I wasn't coming back to her area any time soon).  We lost our virginity to each other but didn't sleep together enough for me to become confident on the bedroom.  I'm self conscious about being 25 and not having lots of sexual experience because I feel like the girls my age probably have a lot more.  The reason I didn't get started earlier is because I was Christian back when I had a bunch of opportunities in college etc and chose not to.  Also the pmo had an effect for sure. 

But things are different now and a girl I know from college and recently reconnected with just said she wanted to sleep with me in a more casual way without being in a relationship.  The thought of it makes me really excited and it's the direction I want to go.  Real women not screens haha.  But I also don't want to get a sexual disease or anything.  Maybe I should read up on those.  Also I might practice putting the condom on because the only other time it was more challenging than I thought it would be lol.

Today was really good, didn't play any games, volunteered with my company at a school today and it was really fun.  When my friend texted me that she was interested in sex I got a full body reaction of pleasure, that was pretty cool.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on July 26, 2019, 10:56:58 PM
Help. I just relapsed

Take a deep breath and a long walk.  Think about how far you've come in your 21 day reboot, and how far you've come in the other reboots.  Celebrate your effort and thank yourself for noticing the relapse.  Then solidify your resolve.  Decide what you want and what you don't want in your life.  Every day you get older my friend, we all do.  You are in a position with the knowledge and time to make an incredible impact in your life and in everyone you interact with.

Leaving pmo is hard, you are deciding to stop running from your fear.  Now decide what you are running towards and refused to be stopped.  You are a brave man, you are trying, you are smart and intelligent and you can make a plan.  Step by step by step.  I walked across 14 states consecutively and I did it one restaurant at a time.  Pick a three day goal and hit it, and on and on.  Go out and wreck some shit, you got this! 

Sending you good vibes and the best of thoughts!
thanks
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 26, 2019, 11:37:37 PM
Plan for the weekend:  Saturday

brunch with my friend
45 mins of cleaning up
go to a museum in the afternoon for a few hours
study korean
update job materials
make plans for blog art project

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 27, 2019, 04:55:48 AM
Sounds good, man. It should cover you for today.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 27, 2019, 09:00:07 AM
Sounds good, man. It should cover you for today.
Thanks Lero, you inspired me to make a plan for weekends, they are the most challenging days of the week.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 27, 2019, 09:53:37 AM
Thanks Lero, you inspired me to make a plan for weekends, they are the most challenging days of the week.

It started with Pete McVries inspiring me to do the same.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 27, 2019, 02:54:29 PM
Thanks Lero, you inspired me to make a plan for weekends, they are the most challenging days of the week.

It started with Pete McVries inspiring me to do the same.

He's a smart dude.  I've been having a wonderful weekend so far, the plan has been working.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 27, 2019, 06:39:04 PM
Way to go on 20 days, man! That's awesome!

I think plans and schedules are really helpful. I know when I actually sit down and write out what I want to do and when I'm going to do it, I have way more productive days and I don't end up wasting as much time. On the days when I don't have a plan, I end up spending way more time endlessly scrolling YouTube looking for something to watch. When I have a plan and a list of tasks, then there might still be time for games or tv, but only after I get the important stuff done.

Keep going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 27, 2019, 10:45:30 PM
Day 21 - 07/27/19: 11:30pm

Today I followed the plan for the most part.  I went to brunch with my friend and helped him get ready for his long motorcycle ride by working on the bike.  Took a while but got him going.  After that O cleaned up a bit and then went for a run, after that I went to a museum and met some friends in the area.  After that we went to a bar crawl and it was super fun.  I did a lot of dancing.  There was one point where there was me and two girls grinding behind me and one in front.  It didn't last too long but it was super cool.

I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today :).

Tomorrow I plan on volunteering and then visiting my uncle and working on cars.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 28, 2019, 03:45:41 AM
Day 21 - 07/27/19: 11:30pm

Today I followed the plan for the most part.  I went to brunch with my friend and helped him get ready for his long motorcycle ride by working on the bike.  Took a while but got him going.  After that O cleaned up a bit and then went for a run, after that I went to a museum and met some friends in the area.  After that we went to a bar crawl and it was super fun.  I did a lot of dancing.  There was one point where there was me and two girls grinding behind me and one in front.  It didn't last too long but it was super cool.

I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today :).

Tomorrow I plan on volunteering and then visiting my uncle and working on cars.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Great, man. You stood away from P.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on July 28, 2019, 10:38:46 AM
Day 21 - 07/27/19: 11:30pm

Today I followed the plan for the most part.  I went to brunch with my friend and helped him get ready for his long motorcycle ride by working on the bike.  Took a while but got him going.  After that O cleaned up a bit and then went for a run, after that I went to a museum and met some friends in the area.  After that we went to a bar crawl and it was super fun.  I did a lot of dancing.  There was one point where there was me and two girls grinding behind me and one in front.  It didn't last too long but it was super cool.

I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today :).

Tomorrow I plan on volunteering and then visiting my uncle and working on cars.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Good to hear you're getting out and being with people more man! Always a major help to have more face to face interactions and be with others. Stay strong!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on July 28, 2019, 10:39:34 AM
Congrats on 3 weeks, seems like you are doing really well!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 28, 2019, 11:02:14 AM
Anyone is lucky to call you a friend. You are kind and super helpful to aid your friennd when he needed it  :)
Day 21 seemed like a happy day for you, i wish tomorrow that you are filled with so much happiness that it heals every part of you  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 28, 2019, 05:11:00 PM
Day 22 - 07/28/19: 6pm

Thank you so much everyone, we have such a positive community here :).  It was one of the best weekends of the year.  Today I went volunteering taking people with disabilities out on sailboats on the water from 9am to 1pm, and then it just happened that two of my friends were at a nearby beach so I went there with them for an hour then we drove home together and got dinner on the way.  Got to see my friend's new apartment too

Having a plan for the weekend and following through really helped. I had so much fun and now I got some great momentum going into the new week.  In previous weekends where I stayed inside a lot, pmo'd and or played a lot of overwatch - I felt weary and sad and drained.  This Sunday evening, I'm proud of my choices and of the direction I am moving towards.  I didn't play overwatch all weekend, I was very active and it made a difference.  A big difference.  I feel peaceful inside.  Next I am going to take an epson salt bath - they are awesome!


Plan for tomorrow:
Kettlebells before work
30 min walk during lunch if possible and use stand up desk for an hour
2 mile run after work
write a plan for the blog
go to library after work to dive into Korean for a few hours

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 28, 2019, 05:13:42 PM
That's great, man. You had an active weekend that kept you away from idle time/boredom which has the tendency to lead to P (point the finger at me here).
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 28, 2019, 05:23:42 PM
That's great, man. You had an active weekend that kept you away from idle time/boredom which has the tendency to lead to P (point the finger at me here).
Have you tried volunteering on weekends?  It's a great way to stay active, help the community and meet new people!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 28, 2019, 05:33:01 PM
Have you tried volunteering on weekends?  It's a great way to stay active, help the community and meet new people!

I'll think about it.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 28, 2019, 07:06:07 PM
I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today :).

Having a plan for the weekend and following through really helped. I had so much fun and now I got some great momentum going into the new week.  In previous weekends where I stayed inside a lot, pmo'd and or played a lot of overwatch - I felt weary and sad and drained.  This Sunday evening, I'm proud of my choices and of the direction I am moving towards.  I didn't play overwatch all weekend, I was very active and it made a difference.  A big difference.  I feel peaceful inside.  Next I am going to take an epson salt bath - they are awesome!

Both of these statements are really fantastic for a lot of reasons. It's so great that you were able to fill your day with enough good things that, even if you didn't get to it all, you still managed to end the day satisfied and happy about the day. And what you said about building momentum for the week is really awesome too. I'm trying to get better at building momentum and starting things out strong, and I think the way you are heading into this new week is inspiring.

It's great that you're making a plan and staying busy. It might be even better that you aren't wearing yourself out. It sounds like you're also being careful to be kind to yourself and not feel guilty if things don't go 100% to plan. It's so much easier to stay away from P when we're feeling good and living well. So keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 29, 2019, 07:16:29 AM
How did your plan go my dear friend  ;D
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 29, 2019, 07:51:40 AM
How did your plan go my dear friend  ;D

The day's only just started, I'll let you know when it's over :).  So far I missed my morning workout because my stomach was upset and I was stuck on the toliet for my whole workout time.  But I woke up on time and went to bed on time and that's what matters.  I've been i strong feelings and urges today so I'm being mindful. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 29, 2019, 07:12:59 PM
Day 23 - 7/29/19: 8pm

Good day so far.  Missed morning workout but did the thirty minute walk and am about to do my run.  Talked with family on the phone for an hour so that was really nice.  Talked about the blog too so two birds one stone haha!  Also made a great dinner of zuccini noodles and turkey, so delicious.  Work definitely isn't the right environment right now so I need to be proactive about improving it for myself, I think I have some flexibility there if I take it. 

One weird thing was that today my eye was twitching all day, very odd.  Anyway, off to do the two mile run.

Plan for tomorrow:
Morning kettlebells
1 hour of reviewing Korean and coming up with a plan, maybe at the library after work.
Evening run
Plan my blog for thirty minutes after dinner but before bed.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on July 30, 2019, 12:48:30 AM
thanks squid i am at day 2 today. because you motivated me ,i am at this level today.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 30, 2019, 06:27:25 AM
thanks squid i am at day 2 today. because you motivated me ,i am at this level today.

Nice work dude!  I'm really starting to notice the benefits after over twenty days, keep going.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 30, 2019, 07:56:28 AM
Morning update:

Kettlebell workout went really well and I feel great for finally getting it done.  Took a few mornings of trying to get there.  The key was to go to bed early and the key to going to bed early was to take a bath every night after running for three days and staying off the screens two hours before bed.  Reading instead.  With those changes I fell asleep easy and got 8.5 hours of sleep.  Getting over eight makes me feel so rested and gives my brain some bonus time to rewire!

I watched Noah Church's talk again last night, super helpful and relatable to my experience.

Off to work now, already studied some flashcards, I find going through them faster is more helpful than struggling to remember everything. 

Plan for today

kettlebells - check
Korean - ten minutes done
walk at work to Walmart to get dish scrubber
evening run or bike
30 mins on blog art project or on getting InDesign for a volunteer book project I'm doing in memory of my late mentor's foundation.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on July 30, 2019, 02:01:44 PM
staying off the screens two hours before bed.  Reading instead. 

Amazing change with huge effect, I did the same and my life quality improved a lot.

You're doing great!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 30, 2019, 02:27:41 PM
That's right. Screen time without a purpose is the perfect opportunity to sabotage yourself. You bounce from one website to another or spend time on Youtube and social media then BOOM! Here comes the trigger and you're fucked.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 30, 2019, 04:18:28 PM
That's right. Screen time without a purpose is the perfect opportunity to sabotage yourself. You bounce from one website to another or spend time on Youtube and social media then BOOM! Here comes the trigger and you're fucked.

True true, also it fucks with your sleep, which is a huge problem.  If I'm not well rested I eat a lot more the next day, don't preform as well at work, can't focus, and am more at risk of triggers.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 30, 2019, 05:10:52 PM
staying off the screens two hours before bed.  Reading instead. 

Amazing change with huge effect, I did the same and my life quality improved a lot.

You're doing great!  :)

I'm right with you all on this one. I have made an effort to cut my screen time before bed and read instead, and it has made a noticeable difference.

Keep on going strong!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 30, 2019, 07:14:28 PM
Day 24 - 7/30/19: 8pm

Great day today, no pmo and video games has led me to spend more time on activities I care about - and that makes me happy.  Kettlebells went well, did my walk at lunch, having better sleep made the work day better, had a good dinner, and..  Actually sat down and planned out the blog in a notebook, it's exciting to actually take a step.  Korean I studied 10 minutes today and hope to do a little more tonight.  For evening fitness I am about to ride to the library to get Emotional Intelligence, thanks for the recommendation!

Update: Did the bike ride and got some Korean books at the library.  I did everything on my list today.  I didn't study the full time for Korean but I did some.

Tomorrow's plan:
Kettlebells in morning
walk at lunchtime
Flashcards on metro for at least 15 minutes
Print my korean lesson notes and put them in a binder
put words from lesson notes into flash cards and grammar and example sentences
After dinner entertainment in korean
Two mile run after dinner
Write first blog post about this journey learning korean and take one picture and out it on my website, not published but on there.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 31, 2019, 07:26:39 AM
Morning update: Kettlebell workout went very well.  I went to sleep an hour late but still got 7.5 hours of sleep.  Took me 30 mins of playing on my phone before I got started though.  I'm starting to see how attached I am to my phone and need to be careful it doesn't distract me from important things.  Mainly I'm distracted by reading articles on google news and watching youtube.  I do run into some triggers by doing this, haven't had any problems with them but still need to be careful of course.  The more interesting thing is that I mindlessly read and watch these things but I don't care about them.  And if they are taking the time the activities I do care about need, then I need to move the time on over.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on July 31, 2019, 11:02:08 AM
Took me 30 mins of playing on my phone before I got started though.  I'm starting to see how attached I am to my phone and need to be careful it doesn't distract me from important things.  Mainly I'm distracted by reading articles on google news and watching youtube.  I do run into some triggers by doing this, haven't had any problems with them but still need to be careful of course.  The more interesting thing is that I mindlessly read and watch these things but I don't care about them.  And if they are taking the time the activities I do care about need, then I need to move the time on over.

That's what it becomes. It's like a habit, a routine that you do and you don't even know why. It's dopamine actually, at the end of the day, that's what I believe. Eventually you bump into triggers. A better idea is to only use them when you need them. "Okay, what do I need the computer for? I will do that and then turn it off." The same with phone Internet. The Internet is designed with addiction in mind. They want to hook people. Youtube, news, social media and all those things are stimulation that leads to addiction. The "Click addiction" or "novelty".
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 31, 2019, 06:36:54 PM
Took me 30 mins of playing on my phone before I got started though.  I'm starting to see how attached I am to my phone and need to be careful it doesn't distract me from important things.  Mainly I'm distracted by reading articles on google news and watching youtube.  I do run into some triggers by doing this, haven't had any problems with them but still need to be careful of course.  The more interesting thing is that I mindlessly read and watch these things but I don't care about them.  And if they are taking the time the activities I do care about need, then I need to move the time on over.

That's what it becomes. It's like a habit, a routine that you do and you don't even know why. It's dopamine actually, at the end of the day, that's what I believe. Eventually you bump into triggers. A better idea is to only use them when you need them. "Okay, what do I need the computer for? I will do that and then turn it off." The same with phone Internet. The Internet is designed with addiction in mind. They want to hook people. Youtube, news, social media and all those things are stimulation that leads to addiction. The "Click addiction" or "novelty".

I feel this one. I'm definitely becoming more aware of the time I let drain away to reading news and watching YouTube. Lately, YouTube has been recommending really stupid stuff that I'm not interested in,  but I just keep scrolling and scrolling (I probably waste more time looking for something to watch than actually watching, which is a problem). Lero's novelty insight is killer. I think that has to be at least part of what is behind it for me. That's given me something to think about.

Here's to finding more freedom from our screens and more meaningful lives!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on July 31, 2019, 07:50:03 PM
Day 25 - 7/31/19: 8:30pm

Thanks for the support everyone!  Day 25 already, it's crazy, time goes by so fast.  I haven't done any edging or fantasy or pmo or mo or o.  But my urges haven't been as insane as past reboots, I feel like my body is keeping my sex drive low to give itself an opportunity to heal without risk of more pain.  Also the positive habits have helped a ton and so has journaling here :)  Not to sell myself short or anything, it's been very challenging, don't get me wrong.  But I continue, onward and upward!

Kettlebells went very well this morning even though I did waste thirty minutes on my phone before I finally got going.  I was productive on the metro and did most of my monthly budget for August, I'll have it done tomorrow.  Work actually went really well, I got to show my boss my knowledge of our system on a talk with the vendor and I think I did a good job.  Also, I finally had the courage to remind my boss that she said I could work from home  after 90 days which was months ago and she went to her boss and October first I can work one day a week from home.  That's going to be super awesome.

I did my thirty minute walk at work today and got a coworker to go with me so that was fun.  I got home from work and had a nice dinner and did some marketing consulting on the phone which was neat.  After that I was on my phone watching YouTube and reading articles and a little online dating.  I feel like my profile sucks, I'm not getting any matches I'm interested in :/.  Then I went and did my run. 

It went well and my time was fast but I've developed shin splints and they hurt.  I'm only doing a two mile run but I need to add more biking to mix things up and make sure I rest the shins enough.

I didn't study much Korean today, just some on the metro.  I really want to dive into it and really immerse myself but it's been very challenging.  Every time I line up to study my brain freaks out and since there is no pmo or video game option, it runs to my phone for articles, youtube, social media, online dating, or messaging instead.  It's the same loop as pmo kind of but just less aggressive and I've been able to be very consistent with my exercises which I could never do on pmo and video games.

All in all a positive trend but I recognize that I am still hiding from the two most important to me activities: 1. Learning this language 2. Sharing the journey

Although it should be said I am sharing the journey on this journal so the one thing os actually sitting down and trying to learn.  I know I can do it and I know it will be awesome.  To have a whole other world to access of entertainment, dating, travel, history, people from way different ways of living to talk to, options for business, studying, and to reformat my thinking in another language.  That would be so cool.  And now's the perfect time.  I know this, the time is now.


Tomorrow's plan

Morning kettlebells
budget on metro
30 min walk during lunch
print out lessons at work and make a binder to stay organized with my studies

walk to library after dinner and sit down and study for 1 hour without distraction, if I do that it's a huge won even if I forget it all.  Sitting down to work that's what I need to get down.  Once I'm there I do great, just need to get there consistently.

Write a short blog post about how that felt and put it on website with a picture
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 01, 2019, 06:31:10 AM
Writting the plan ahead definitely helps.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 01, 2019, 06:53:54 AM
I feel this one. I'm definitely becoming more aware of the time I let drain away to reading news and watching YouTube. Lately, YouTube has been recommending really stupid stuff that I'm not interested in,  but I just keep scrolling and scrolling (I probably waste more time looking for something to watch than actually watching, which is a problem). Lero's novelty insight is killer. I think that has to be at least part of what is behind it for me. That's given me something to think about.

Here's to finding more freedom from our screens and more meaningful lives!

It's because of the novelty that has that effect in our brain. Scrolling through stuff, clicking non-stop, this is how it works. You don't even enjoy those videos, you enjoy the clicking and scrolling. That's why the best thing to do is only use Internet when needed, preferably planning ahead what you will use it for and then turning off the device.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 01, 2019, 07:35:45 AM
I did that this morning Lero, I woke up on time and didn't turn on my phone until after my workout.  It made huge difference, I was way more focused and had a great workout.

In other news, last night I had an idea.  I remembered the one time I had sex it was stressful because it took some time to get the condom on and to get an erection.  So I went to the store and got some condoms and focusing on sensation without fantasy or p was  able to get hard and put it on without much trouble.  Turns out the first time I tried to put it on backwards haha.

It sounds silly but it was a big step for me, getting more comfortable with the tools of safe sex so that I can express my sexual energy to a partner in the future without that worry and stress in the back of my mind.  It took about 10-15 minutes to get the erection and I had brief memories of time with my ex that got me excited but I put those thoughts out of my mind and just focused on feeling.  It was very encouraging and there's no way I could have gotten hard to just feeling and a few seconds of a real memory before rebooting.  Not something I'll do regularly but I heard from Gave Deems video that getting hard without fantasy or p is a good sign so I wanted to see if O could and it was encouraging. Not perfect but in the right direction.  Also I had morning wood today for the first time in a long time. Yay :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on August 01, 2019, 08:52:31 AM
Celebrate the small victories :) I am so proud of you *gives a gentle pat on the back*
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: pichaelthompson on August 01, 2019, 04:37:37 PM
Congrats man! Sometimes all you need is a small sign of improvement to help you keep going in the right direction...keep up the good work!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 01, 2019, 06:27:39 PM
I did that this morning Lero, I woke up on time and didn't turn on my phone until after my workout.  It made huge difference, I was way more focused and had a great workout.

I wasn't quite so disciplined, but I did manage to get up and out of bed without sinking a huge amount of time into my phone this morning. I'm hoping to do even better tomorrow.

Keep it going, squid! It sounds like you're doing great and feeling great, and that's such an awesome thing. Keep on keeping on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 01, 2019, 09:24:07 PM
Day 26 - 8/1/19: 10:30pm

It's later so I don't have the tome to write a long post but it was a pretty good day.  I did all my goals except study korean.  After work I had to go to the store and by some equipment for my camping trip this weekend and then I enjoyed some tv and texting with the woman who wants to hook up with me.  I've known her a long time and told her I didn't have as much experience as other but she didn't care.  She just wants to have fun.

Goals for tomorrow:

Morning kettlebells
Walk at lunch
pack for camping

stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Ender on August 02, 2019, 12:44:53 PM
I've known her a long time and told her I didn't have as much experience as other but she didn't care.  She just wants to have fun.

Don't get too caught up on experience and being good enough and all that. Those fears of inadequacy come from porn and the false lessons it teaches. Porn teaches us that things like size and aggression are what matter most. But in reality, its qualities like intimacy and being present with your partner (two things that are impossible for porn) that matter most. Focus solely on you, your sensations, and connecting with her. Trust me, that is all you need. And kudos to you for working on the safe sex equipment. Not nearly enough people choose safe sex options these days. I never did and I am so damn lucky to have escaped unscathed, but I know people who weren't so lucky and now have to pay for it the rest of their lives.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 02, 2019, 03:41:03 PM
I've known her a long time and told her I didn't have as much experience as other but she didn't care.  She just wants to have fun.

Don't get too caught up on experience and being good enough and all that. Those fears of inadequacy come from porn and the false lessons it teaches. Porn teaches us that things like size and aggression are what matter most. But in reality, its qualities like intimacy and being present with your partner (two things that are impossible for porn) that matter most. Focus solely on you, your sensations, and connecting with her. Trust me, that is all you need. And kudos to you for working on the safe sex equipment. Not nearly enough people choose safe sex options these days. I never did and I am so damn lucky to have escaped unscathed, but I know people who weren't so lucky and now have to pay for it the rest of their lives.

Thanks ender, that means a lot.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 02, 2019, 03:47:07 PM
Day 27 - 8/2/19: 5pm

Today went well enough but I've felt off today.  Woke up and did part of my warm up but just didn't feel the energy to work out.  I got 8 hours of sleep and woke up on time but felt odd.  Work went okay, I didn't do the walk and didn't eat very healthy.  Also I was watching a show after work and it suddenly showed a partial nude scene.  Very triggering but it passed quickly and I didn't take the bait.  I'm feeling much more emotion now so triggers are more triggering.  Today wasn't a record breaking day but all on all pretty good.  Now I'm going camping for the weekend with some friends to recharge!

stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 02, 2019, 05:38:44 PM
Also I was watching a show after work and it suddenly showed a partial nude scene.  Very triggering but it passed quickly and I didn't take the bait. 

Way to be! These unexpected triggers can really mess with your head if you aren't careful. I think it's a really good sign that you could recognize it as a trigger and just let it go. No need to be carried away by it.

Have a great weekend!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 03, 2019, 04:42:30 AM
Way to be! These unexpected triggers can really mess with your head if you aren't careful. I think it's a really good sign that you could recognize it as a trigger and just let it go. No need to be carried away by it.

Have a great weekend!

That's right, man. Never feed the brain. Once something starts feeding it (flashbacks or seeing something by mistake - Because looking deliberetely at triggers goes without saying that you must avoid), you don't just keep drowning yourself in that, you look away right away, eventually you could go to the kitchen, drink some water, stare out the window, do some push-ups or something. Maybe even take a cold shower if it's intense.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 03, 2019, 10:02:23 AM
Day 27 - 8/2/19: 5pm

Today went well enough but I've felt off today.  Woke up and did part of my warm up but just didn't feel the energy to work out.  I got 8 hours of sleep and woke up on time but felt odd.  Work went okay, I didn't do the walk and didn't eat very healthy.  Also I was watching a show after work and it suddenly showed a partial nude scene.  Very triggering but it passed quickly and I didn't take the bait.  I'm feeling much more emotion now so triggers are more triggering.  Today wasn't a record breaking day but all on all pretty good.  Now I'm going camping for the weekend with some friends to recharge!

stay free my friends,

-squid

Nice job squid! Glad to hear you're having so many genuine real life experiences and planning travel, getting outside, exercising, and seeing other people! I just booked some tickets to see some old friends in Boston after my work contract ends in a couple weeks. Thanks for helping me take the plunge!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 03, 2019, 08:57:10 PM
Day 28 - 8/3/19: 9:30pm

Greetings from the forest.  Thanks for your posts everyone, I like how we encourage each other!  Today was great, wonderful weather, good friends and got to see the Appalachian Trail for the first time since I finished last year hiking it all.  Swam in a waterfall, learned about starts, played frisbee and cards and it's been good.  There was one conversation we all had about our sex lives and I felt a little wierd about not being with someone right now or much in the past but I am putting those thoughts out of my head.  Like ender said, comparing my experience in sex with others comes from P.  Being intimate is about experiences between two people and I've had that experience and changed my lifestyle because of a life altering long trip and need to find someone who fits with the me now.  And that's okay.  I'm actually in a good place, I tend to get to focused on the past or the future but life is good.  I definitely feel much much strong attraction to women now, my brain is changing guys, it feels different.

Much love,


-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 04, 2019, 04:18:20 AM
Outstanding, Squid! Almost a month!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on August 04, 2019, 04:37:23 AM
Congratulations on 4 weeks and keep enjoying nature! I really like to see the positive changes you mention, keep going!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 04, 2019, 09:19:36 AM
Sounds great squid! Enjoy the time with friends and the outdoors! It sounds like you're going through all the thoughts that are necessary to becoming your best self - I just had it yesterday, realizing that even though I'm more attracted to women again, the first thoughts I think are still in some ways pornographic. This awareness that we've submerged ourselves in a world of porn and fantasy for so long emerges in the subtle thoughts and conversations we have, and it's a great thing to hear you confront them! You are strong and you will only get better from here. Be well, man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 04, 2019, 06:41:18 PM
I'm actually in a good place, I tend to get to focused on the past or the future but life is good. 

That's a great line, and a good reminder for me!

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 04, 2019, 08:58:09 PM
Day 29 - 8/4/19: 10pm


Thanks for the posts everyone, once I get a chance I want to post on your journals as well.  Great day today!  Went into a cave for a few hours and really got to see some incredible natural formations.  Got lunch in a town I hiked to, texted with some ol friends and made plans for the next few weekends.  Also drove my friends home which they appreciated.  My car had some electrical problems so I looked at it with my roommate and we found the terminal was very loose so we tightened it, felt good to fix a simple problem. 

I'm happy to be home, I had a great trip and am excited for a new week.  This week I'm really diving into Korean, my habits around studying, classes, tutoring, scholarships, schools and the whole deal. What I have been doing isn't working.  I asked my friend who learned Chinese what I should do and he said to find in person lessons or a class.  So that's what I'll do.

Goal for tomorrow:
Find in person korean class or tutoring or both
kettlebells
walk at lunch
run after work
study 30 mins
work on blog 30 mins

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 05, 2019, 03:51:27 AM
Sounds good, man! Out of curiosity, may I ask you why do you learn Korean?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Ender on August 05, 2019, 11:21:02 AM
I must say, it's so encouraging to see how much more motivated and active you are now than you were at the beginning of your journal. Keep up the amazing work! From what I hear, it only gets better from here. I want to be where you are. And I know it's just a matter of time and perseverance, but I'm impatient lol.

Keep going strong, you're almost to a month!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 05, 2019, 02:22:58 PM
I want to be where you are. And I know it's just a matter of time and perseverance, but I'm impatient lol.

I know, man. On day 1 I had the least amount of patience but after I reached 2 weeks, I felt like I was far enough not to feel desperate about the streak anymore. Now I just want to finish the day with the goal completed: Complete starvation of the addicted brain.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 05, 2019, 06:50:02 PM
Day 30 - 8/5/19: 7:30pm

Workout this morning went well.  I got to work on time and trained a new worker, that was cool.  I even went for a 30 minute hike in the woods near work.  Accidentally forgot to defrost my chicken so I had some frozen pizza and soft pretzels. Delicious.  I've also been eating candy out of the emergency kit lolol, I need to refill it

I feel way better than on day one, I feel more alive and happy and in a word - more like myself.  The days are a lot lighter without consistently participating in an activity that brings me great pain.

I studied abroad in Korean and imagined what it would be like to actually be able to speak another language.  It's been a dream for years.  It's a great challenge and a long journey I can take without leaving my full time job.  Also, I want to go to graduate school there.  It would be an awesome experience.

Now I'm going for the two mile run.

Plan for tomorrow:
kettlebells
walk at work
Korean lesson

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 05, 2019, 08:17:01 PM
Workout this morning went well.  I got to work on time and trained a new worker, that was cool.  I even went for a 30 minute hike in the woods near work.  Accidentally forgot to defrost my chicken so I had some frozen pizza and soft pretzels. Delicious.  I've also been eating candy out of the emergency kit lolol, I need to refill it

I feel way better than on day one, I feel more alive and happy and in a word - more like myself.  The days are a lot lighter without consistently participating in an activity that brings me great pain.

Awesome! I love a good frozen pizza lol. I like to keep one on hand just for situations like this one. Lucky day, my man!

But even more awesome is that you're feeling more like yourself. I still remember how I used to feel about myself when I looked in the mirror (even as recently as last year). I was disgusted. I saw myself as out of shape, dishonest, weak, etc. Maybe it's kind of weird, but I often thought I looked reptilian. Now that I have some distance from porn and as I continue to improve, I have really started to like who I see in the mirror every day. This recovery process is bringing about a complete 180-degree change in the way I feel about myself. It's crazy how severely porn brings us down and makes us feel like we're less than dirt.

So glad you're finding a shift in your self-perception too. Everyone's progress lately has been so inspiring, and I can't wait to see where we go from here.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 06, 2019, 06:59:56 PM
Day 31 - 8/6/19: 7:30pm

Kettlebells this morning went well.  Work was good, and did my walk at lunchtime too.  I saw a gym near my work I might check out on a few months if I want to switch things up but right now the kettlebells are perfect.  I wake up at 7am, do some warm ups and eat a cliff bar then I carry the 54lb and 32lb bells one in each hand to outside and walk to a nearby park.  Then I get to it.  It's been a great blessing to me, my energy has improved a ton and I just feel happy after doing it.  As a bonus I also see a lot of birds and dogs in the park.

I've also been running every night too and that's been great.  My roommate and I go together sometimes too like tonight.  He's faster but I'm improving very quickly.  I've improved my average time per mile by 50 secs in just a few weeks.  Shin splints feel better too, not gone but much better.

So fitness has been great.

Being more social and talking to women has been great too.  Through my volunteering and online dating I've been getting in touch with a lot of people new and old friends.  A few girls I'm interested in so hopefully we'll get some first dates going in the next few weeks.

My blog website thing I haven't started but I blog on this fourm everyday so I think that's great practice.

Korean.  Ah Korean.  This one requires more commitment and new strategies.  It's quite the puzzle but I'm confident I'll solve it.  I've been studying it for years now and don't have much to show for it because I don't study or apply my knowledge.  I'm thinking of blogging about my daily life in Korean.  Also I'm going to find some in person instruction in addition to my online studies.  Stay tuned.

Thanks for your support everyone!  It's a game changer discovering more self love through living a life of integrity. Finally, after years of running from it, I'm actually starting to do the activities I really love.  Like working out twice a day, learning a language, meeting women.  I had to trade pmo and video games and that was rough at first but I'm very happy I did.  They say acid destroys the vessel it's inside, same for those old escapism habits I am leaving behind.

Now I have my Korean lesson after not studying for weeks.  Oh boy.  Well, gotta dive in somewhere.

My success on this reboot has been by making time for habits to grow.  I'll do the same with Korean.

Tommorow plan

Kettlebells
Flashcards on the metro
Walk at lunch
Run or bike right after work (this is a change from my usual 8pm run and gives me time for korean and to run with my roommate who runs earlier.)
Korean Tv show on metro
8pm-9 or 10pm with a small break in the middle.  Korean studying of my lesson notes, reading korean friends social medias, doing a workshop of recording videos of myself to different prompts and absorbing Korean content, reading, and finding new vocab.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 07, 2019, 05:28:46 PM
Nice job man! Over a month down and your life seems to have changed so much based on what I've read and your whole outlook and how far you've come. Let's keep at it! Getting yourself out and about sounds like a great idea I might steal, haha. Online dating and volunteering sound like good ways to get out there too!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 07, 2019, 06:32:55 PM
They say acid destroys the vessel it's inside, same for those old escapism habits I am leaving behind.

Wow, that's a great line! It's a good thing our vessels can repair themselves once we get rid of the acid.

What a great post, though. It sounds like you're right on track and making good progress in a lot of areas. I think finding a person to help with Korean sounds like a good idea. I know a little external accountability always helps me (this community for example).

Keep on killing it!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 07, 2019, 08:42:01 PM
Day 32 - 8/7/19: 9:30pm

Last night my Korean lesson actually went very well.  I remembered a ton even though it had been a few weeks.  Also my teacher raised her rates but is grandfathering me in with the old rates so that's awesome :)

Went to bed on time and did my kettlebells, this week has been a record for consistency and I'm very proud of that.  I feel stronger, I really do.  Haven't lost any weight yet but I've gained some muscle in my legs and feel fitter so I'm confident the weight will start coming off in a month

Work went well, I've been the sole person in charge of the temp, it makes me feel like a manager :).  He's doing a great job.  Honesty it's nice to have another person on the team who works, since my boss doesn't really.

Did my walk at lunch in the forest I discovered near the office.  only got twenty minutes in because of a meeting but it was still fantastic.  I went from hiking 9 hours a day to sitting in an office all day and every little bit of outside time helps.

My energy has been fantastic.  No coffee and I'm been way more confident.  After work the plan was to run and then do Korean but my roommate called and told me how terrible his day was so we decided to go to a local bar, one of our favorites, that is closing this weekend.  It was a great deal.  I had 1 liter of beer with my meal for only $8 :o.  Had great conversation with my roommate, he's a good friend of mine.

After the dinner we went on a walk around the block with a neighbor and pet a local cat that was very sweet. After that we went back and I decided to do my two mile run.  Roommate said I was crazy.  But Infelt good, a little buzzed but good.  So I did it.  And it was awesome, it's becoming a habit, Around that time I run do my two mile run.  My time was one of my faster ones too.

No I'm taking a bath and it's so relaxing. Korean I watched a little of a k drama on the metro but tried to do my flashcards and they are just horrible, I need a new system.

I've been listening to Zig Zigler on short walks and it's been very motivating.  I love the positivity.

Tomorrow I think I need to take a day off from kettlebells and running and rest up.  Don't wanna burn out.  But I'm happy with doing it three days in a row :):)

Tomorrow's plan: free flow my friends, we'll see what happens, within reason of course.

My brain feels totally different guys it's weird but I like how it feels.

I love all your posts and read them all, this is a wonderful community.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 08, 2019, 05:02:44 AM
Good job, man.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 08, 2019, 06:23:55 PM
So much awesome stuff! I'm really excited for you. It's cool how progress in recovery seems to coincide with progress with other things. I guess it's not that surprising since getting better at the rest of life is part of recovery.

Either way, keep it going and enjoy a more free-flowing day!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 08, 2019, 10:33:41 PM
Day 33 - 8/8/19: 11:30pm

It's late so this will have to be quick.  Today went well.  I had vendors take me and my team out to lunch and dinner.  Did a short 15 minute walk in the woods and relaxed.  After the dinner I had a bunch of free drinks, went home on the metro and hung out with my roommate for a bit.  Then my best friend from back home called and we talked for hours, it was really awesome to hear from him.

The woman I've been texting has been making very clear intentions of sleeping with me.  I'm excited about it and to experience more real sex.  I'm a little nervous since it's been so long and she is more experienced and keeps referencing how she likes it rough.  I try to out those thoughts out of my head and try not to fantasize about her or to sext that much.  I know I need to be careful about that.  But it's been fun and playful and I hope to see her in person again before too long. 

Tomorrow's plan:

Im getting to bed 30 mins late but I want to try and do kettlebells
walk at lunch
some kind of korean on the metro, show, music, trying to read my friends social media, anything
Hang out with roommate after work

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 09, 2019, 10:42:10 AM
Afternoon update:

*Trigger warning




This morning I was too tired after drinking and staying up late to do my workout.  Texting dirty with M was kind of triggering.  This morning I was in the bathroom and had my phone in there which is a habit I haven't stopped but should, and I was reading some of her texts again and then I started to m for about 3 minutes, then I realized what was happening and turned off the phone and brought out the emergency kit.  I wrote a little in there and left the bathroom.  But then I laid after for 30 minutes and watched videos of professional overwatch games.  Then I went back to the bathroom to shower and without the phone, started to m for about 10 minutes.  I didn't o and honestly it's an encouraging sign.  I got hard in 15 seconds.  When I tried to m a little a few weeks ago without fantasy it took over ten minutes to get up.  Not the case any more, I'm very sensitive down there now.  While m'ing I did think of the woman I'm going to meet up with but only of her, there were no p fantasies. 

I felt like I was ambushed this morning.  So much sensation and sexual drive is coming back so fast I need to be careful.  I don't want to become a regular M user until after my 90 days and there were no P fanasties and minimal fantasy about the woman but still I feel like things could have gotten off track really fast.

So, I am going to recommit to no phones in the bathroom.

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on August 09, 2019, 11:02:03 AM
Good to see you made it through the critical moment, I sooner or later relapsed on sexting and never made it, so I needed a no-phone-at-home-policy and suggest you are really strict with your phone restrictions too. It's really hard to handle the availability of porn on a phone everywhere...
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 09, 2019, 12:22:09 PM
That's right, man, we need to be very strict with ourselves. What sabotages us has to be banned, no excuses. There is no: "I can handle it, man, don't worry!" If you can't handle it, don't make it so available. I finally activated a blocker on my pc. I used to say: "The best blocker is myself, man! I don't need fucking blockers! I will just stay away from porn!" I had to stop being arrogant and turn on the blocker. Now things are way easier. I can't even access porn movies database (even those where there are no pictures). If my hands move on autopilot, it's that slap that wakes me up from the trance and tells me: "What the fuck are you doing? What did you write there? You're lucky I was around."
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 09, 2019, 02:10:18 PM
I've had similar thoughts lately. I fantasized for a bit last night before bed, and I don't think it did me much good. For some reason, I still associate O with relapse. It's better that all this happened while you were speaking with a real person though! ^_^ Probably a sign of progress that that's the new case. I've found that I've started thinking more about real people again rather than porn. Seems a sign of progress in a very subtle way. I think I've had similar situations in the past, then lauded myself for self-control, but only to find later on that I grew overconfident. How do you feel about it?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 09, 2019, 03:12:22 PM
For some reason, I still associate O with relapse.

Me too. I think it's maybe because I masturbate while watching porn so masturbation became synonymous with PMO. I know what some people say, that masturbation is good, porn is not and all this but I can't masturbate without feeling like I just watched porn. I don't know, until my brain sorts this out, I really don't need any O. I won't die, you know.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 09, 2019, 05:55:55 PM
Good catch! And way to recommit to your rules.

I'm conveniently very single, so I don't know how having a "legitimate" sexual outlet would help/confuse my system. I can imagine that anticipating something real could get me thinking more about PMO too. Good thing that you're aware of it and taking steps to keep yourself on track!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 09, 2019, 08:25:40 PM
Day 34 - 8/9/19: 9:30pm

Thanks for the support everyone, in my moments of struggle you remind me that I am not alone. 

Work went well, I got to go home early and it was pretty uneventful. I didn't do the bells in the morning but I got it down after work.  All in all a pretty relaxing day.  Went to dinner with my roommate at an outdoor bar and it was all really nice. 

My flatline is cracking and probably is gone.  I'm happy about that but it does add a new element I need to get used to.  I'm turned on like all the time recently.  I know things will settle but right now I am very sensitive to women.  Women are awesome, I hope to date one again before too long. 

This was interesting.  I saw a woman on the metro, and I live in a crowded area so I see tons of people everywhere.  Anyway this woman was so hot it was insane.  I felt like I was sitting next to the sun lolol.  I kind of wanted to say hi but I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and talking to strangers in the metro is kind of weird.

Short post because I'm drinking with my roommate.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 09, 2019, 08:34:40 PM
Day 34 - 8/9/19: 9:30pm

Thanks for the support everyone, in my moments of struggle you remind me that I am not alone. 

Work went well, I got to go home early and it was pretty uneventful. I didn't do the bells in the morning but I got it down after work.  All in all a pretty relaxing day.  Went to dinner with my roommate at an outdoor bar and it was all really nice. 

My flatline is cracking and probably is gone.  I'm happy about that but it does add a new element I need to get used to.  I'm turned on like all the time recently.  I know things will settle but right now I am very sensitive to women.  Women are awesome, I hope to date one again before too long. 

This was interesting.  I saw a woman on the metro, and I live in a crowded area so I see tons of people everywhere.  Anyway this woman was so hot it was insane.  I felt like I was sitting next to the sun lolol.  I kind of wanted to say hi but I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and talking to strangers in the metro is kind of weird.

Short post because I'm drinking with my roommate.


Stay free my friends,

-squid

Great to hear that the flatline has ended! Good luck with the new challenges man. I've often thought the same thing when it comes to attractive strangers. During an earlier reboot that ultimately failed, where I made it to day 20 or so and felt like a super saiyan, I ended up going on a date with an older, attractive girl because I think my body needed some rush of adrenaline and my confidence had doubled and my inhibitions had halved because of the lack of PMO for that time. What have you got to lose?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 09, 2019, 11:42:55 PM
I hear you rob, I just went to a concert at a night club and there are so many cool girls around, I'm just not comfortable in those situations yet and tend to stand there awkwardly lol.  But definitely as I leave pmo I am putting myself out there and I'm positive before too long I'll get the hang of it.  Just going to keep going in the right direction.  Keep up the great work dude!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 10, 2019, 05:10:13 PM
I kind of wanted to say hi but I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and talking to strangers in the metro is kind of weird.

You know, I feel this way all the time, but I'm wondering if it is a true feeling. I mean, whenever I go to sit at a table or some place and there are three empty chairs beside a woman, I will always leave a space between me and her because it seems like the polite thing to do. I have had a couple of people yell at me for it, though, and act like it's weirder for me to leave space than to sit right next to them.

I don't know. I wonder if I'm really being polite and giving people space or if I still have a warped sense of self that makes me think that nobody would really want me to sit next to them so I better leave them some room to escape from me. Sort of makes me wonder how many opportunities I have missed because I was being "polite."

This isn't to say that you did the wrong thing! It just made me think about my own experience. Are people relieved when I don't sit right next to them, or are they wondering what's wrong with them that I don't want to sit next to them? I guess the only way to find out is by trying it out?

Either way, keep it up! We'll figure all this stuff out eventually!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 11, 2019, 01:18:10 AM
Day 35 - 8/10/19: 2am, the next morning technically

Day went well, got a slow start but a nice morning.  Made a breakfast sandwich, chatted with my roommate, went on a run with him and my time was good.  8:25 mile average.

Packed up and drove back home and played frisbee with my beat friend from my hometown for an hour.  It was so fun, we made up a game where every ten back a forths we alternated making up a rule. 
And during the volley rules stack. 
Some favorites were as follows:

Even catch you take one step back
Everytime someone yells mailbox you have to throw from the mailbox to where the other person was standing
Patato sack where you have to jump on two feet to move from your position
Bird where when someone yells bird you have to run fast in a line and catch a long throw
and many more :)

After that I had dinner with family and gathered my camping supplies that didn't get grabbed during my move.  I am going backpacking in Colorado soon so I'll need the stuff.  My dad surprised me with a bonfire and me and him and my friend made smores.  That was very cool.


While picking up camping stuff, I came across a gift from my ex.  It was a nice hiking journal to record my hike and a Valentine's day card.  I ended up not taking the journal because it was too heavy but it was a very thoughtful gift.  I have mixed feelings about our break up.  I'll share more on it later but need to go to sleep now.  Let's just say I want to date again very soon.  I will put in more effort.

The only potentially negative thing today is this new development in my reboot.  I am no longer in flatline.  That means I feel again down below and it's such a wonderful thing.  It's like a part of me that felt dead for a long time is suddenly alive again. And I'm so happy and excited about that.  So I'm been M'ing lightly with no o and no sexts or p or anything but my mind with minimal fantasy.

It feels to me more like self exploration and play than how my pmo felt but I do want to be careful about not letting it get out of control.  I have stopped bringing the phone in the bathroom except for right now ironically because I'm tired and totally forgot lol. 

All in all a great day.  Fall is coming and I smell it in the air, beautiful.

Yeah blue, I heard you, being more expressive in social situations is something I've been thinking about too.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 11, 2019, 04:26:50 AM
Good things, man.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 11, 2019, 03:07:56 PM
Today I MO'd.  I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep and was not feeling very strong.  I'm not sure if I'll consider it a restart of the streak or not.  My main goal is avoiding p, p subs, and p fantasies.  Which I've done.  But I do think it's too soon to regularly mo.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 11, 2019, 03:31:29 PM
Coincidently, I MOed too. I had extreme urges and I thought I could lower them a little bit, which I did. I don't consider MO a relapse as long as no P was involved (watching or fantasizing). Now, I don't know how risky it could get. If it pushes you toward P, maybe it's not a good idea. I decided not to MO again because I don't like it.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 11, 2019, 03:47:39 PM
Don't worry - you haven't relapsed. And don't buy any thoughts that there is a chaser for you to follow. I'm on the inverse right now: I have been drifting back toward edging and fantasizing and got insomnia again last night, but didn't O. My fantasies are about friends/interests I haven't seen in awhile, which is only one step down from P as far as I'm concerned. I need to stop this. Even if they're things I would like to make a reality, it makes me live in a dream rather than reality to waste time entertaining these fantasies instead of working toward the real thing. I was examining my social situation and realized it'll be a long time before I am in a potential situation for having sex on a regular basis. Another trigger. Still, there are other opportunities where you never know and things might crop up. See what works for you - I MO'd a couple times in my last 63 day or so streak a few years back, and it started to draw me back nearer to P. Likewise, I think my fantasizing and M aren't doing me any good escaping the gravity of being stuck in PMO. How do you feel right now? For me, I think I need to post some new psychological introspection soon, as I posted to another blog and realized I'm getting nasty desires again. I need to be not cynical and positive and up front and honest at all times if I really want help.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 11, 2019, 04:24:20 PM
Even if they're things I would like to make a reality, it makes me live in a dream rather than reality to waste time entertaining these fantasies instead of working toward the real thing. I was examining my social situation and realized it'll be a long time before I am in a potential situation for having sex on a regular basis. Another trigger. Still, there are other opportunities where you never know and things might crop up.

Yeah, I know how this feels. I'm in the same situation. There is no potential partner on the horizon and sometimes I feel this big frustration. I don't like fantasizing because it's porn related. I'm very hooked on porn and if I started fantasizing, it would be a porn scenario and it's sick to think that I place normal people in my sick fantasies. They feed my addiction so I need to stay away from it. I don't know how it's like fantasizing about normal scenarios and stuff, as something like this is soda in comparison to my porn fantasies that are like the crack pipe.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 11, 2019, 06:28:23 PM
Thanks guys.  The urge to mo again is strong, I want to not do that again tonight.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 11, 2019, 07:02:30 PM
Day 36 - 8/12/19: 8pm

Didn't sleep much because I had a very busy night.  Today I MO'd but no p or p fantasies were involved so the counter continues.  I need to go to bed soon.

stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 11, 2019, 08:31:29 PM
Today I MO'd.  I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep and was not feeling very strong.  I'm not sure if I'll consider it a restart of the streak or not.  My main goal is avoiding p, p subs, and p fantasies.  Which I've done.  But I do think it's too soon to regularly mo.

Yeah, you know I think that's something that everyone has to decide for themselves. I can't separate MO from PMO (one always leads to the other), so it just doesn't work for me (and I count it as a relapse). Everyone's path is a little different, though, so I can't tell you what you to do.

I will tell you to stay on your toes, though. That MO might get your brain thinking its open season again, so just stay diligent.

Carry on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 11, 2019, 10:00:50 PM
If you're very diligent with tracking it all in a counter, it might help to make separate categories in a spreadsheet to track individually P, M, O, subs, fantasies, etc. I've done this and it makes me feel more justified in my streaks in case I use subs or something. In the past, counting it as a relapse would raise the chaser effect and I'd get sucked back into the habit. Maybe it would help!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 12, 2019, 04:49:04 AM
Yeah, you know I think that's something that everyone has to decide for themselves. I can't separate MO from PMO (one always leads to the other), so it just doesn't work for me

I realized that if I MO, I get a hard chaser effect that wants porn. Vanilla MO is low in comparison to the chemical hell of porn. Sooner or later I guess I would go back to it so I don't want to play with fire. I've had a hard chaser effect yesterday after the MO session. I fought to stay away from another MO or P. I'm actually not a fan of it for a few reasons.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 12, 2019, 06:57:49 AM
I stayed away from the chaser yesterday :).  It was tough but I did it.  My body is definitely changing and I am in a new phase of the reboot where I have a libido again.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 12, 2019, 09:15:33 AM
I stayed away from the chaser yesterday :).  It was tough but I did it.  My body is definitely changing and I am in a new phase of the reboot were I have a libido again.

Good job, man. I did that too.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: pichaelthompson on August 12, 2019, 02:24:38 PM
Congrats! Libido is definitely a good motivator for me when I'm on a streak, regardless of my girl situation. Knowing that it is something I have earned and worked for makes it that much more valuable to me, especially knowing that I can lose it at any time after a relapse. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 12, 2019, 10:09:10 PM
Day 37 - 8/12/19: 11pm

Thanks for the support everyone.  Did well at work today, I haven't been listening to music while working over the past few weeks and it's made a difference in my ability to focus.  On Wednesday I'm leaving for a five day vacation to the mountains of Colorado and I'm super excited. 

I found an old post by Gabe where someone asked him if he considered MO a relapse.  He said no.

 http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1283.msg12398#msg12398.

I agree.  That doesn't mean I'm going to do it often or that I won't be careful.  But I think it was a sign of recovery feeling that strong feeling and being able to get hard super easy just to light touch.  That never would have happened a month ago.  Also I used a condom so I got more familiar with them.  They aren't so scary after all lol.  In many ways, I'm becoming more accepting of the idea of getting in an intimate relationship again.  And knowing I can get hard without p or fantasy and can put on a condom quickly and correctly, it gives me confidence. 

I did my Korean lesson tonight.  It was rough, I really need to practice and find a new plan.  I have one, instead of two 1 hour lessons a week.  I will do 4, 30 min lessons a week and study a little before and after during each of them.  I think that's realistic.

Today I didn't have any urges. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 13, 2019, 05:26:27 AM
After my MO session (without porn), for two days I haven't had urges either.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on August 13, 2019, 01:58:24 PM
Great to see you're heading towards 40 days, MO isn't a relapse, but it might lead to stronger cravings - stay aware and keep advancing!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 13, 2019, 02:00:28 PM
Great to see you're heading towards 40 days, MO isn't a relapse, but it might lead to stronger cravings - stay aware and keep advancing!  :)

Maybe because of my habit to binge on PMO and edging, the chaser effect is real. I MOed on Sunday but I had a crazy chaser effect. I'm staying away from MO too.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 13, 2019, 07:36:24 PM
Day 38 - 8/13/19: 8pm

Today, my friends, I go on the offense.  What do I mean?  I mean, I am going to play to win the game.  I am no longer playing not to lose the game.  I am switching my mindset from a defense state of mind to an offense state of mind. 

In the context of my reboot, a defense approach is clear.  It's an approach focused mainly, solely and absolutely on avoiding pmo.  It's an approach that, like a player in a sport, analyzes the opponent, identifies weaknesses in the defense, and strengthens those weaknesses.  It's a hunker down, bunker down, we will not let them score at any cost approach.  The thing is, with this approach, to use a metaphor, I will never score any points in the game.  Even if my defense is the best in the world - eventually, the opponent will score.  And the defense will weaken and weaken over time.  A defense approach identifies triggers, thinks a lot about personal struggle, and focuses mainly on avoiding pmo.

On the other hand, an offense approach to my reboot looks way different.  The life I want is to lose 30 pounds, learn Korean, find an awesome outdoorsy girlfriend, and create online content and community around exploration, confidence, bravery, travel, immersion in other cultures, sailing, long distance backpacking, goal setting, and so much more.  This new approach means I make a plan, a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily set of goals to get to the dream.  It means my entertainment, my friends, the books I read, my focus - is on activities I value.  It means I become very intentional.  It means I become like a barnyard dog with my teeth on the ball daring anyone to stop me from running it across the goal line.  It means I become more confident, more aggressive.  It means I stop giving my power to other people, placing other people in positions to rule over me.  I refuse - I will rule me.

My values remain, but I am no longer escaping, I am running into the fear, through it, and into the life I want.  The stuff I want.  The job I want.  The body I want.  The woman I want.  I have a voice and a song to sing and I will not die with it still in me.   


I am going pro.

-squid



ps. I will be offline for 7 days while backpacking through the beautiful mountains of Colorado with a girl I am interested in.  I think she likes me too, I will find out.  Once I return, I will be switching to a one day a week posting on here.  This will give me time to create my other blog.  I'll leave you with this video of the famed Philip Zimbardo talking about why boys and men are failing.  It inspired this post along with the book "Turning Pro" by Steven Pressfield.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgAu1i6aChs
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 14, 2019, 04:06:11 AM
Good job, bro! This forum definitely needs more emoticons. A thumbs up I would like.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on August 14, 2019, 04:43:07 AM
Wishing you nothing but the best on your trip  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 14, 2019, 05:44:07 PM
On the other hand, an offense approach to my reboot looks way different.  The life I want is to lose 30 pounds, learn Korean, find an awesome outdoorsy girlfriend, and create online content and community around exploration, confidence, bravery, travel, immersion in other cultures, sailing, long distance backpacking, goal setting, and so much more.  This new approach means I make a plan, a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily set of goals to get to the dream.  It means my entertainment, my friends, the books I read, my focus - is on activities I value.  It means I become very intentional.  It means I become like a barnyard dog with my teeth on the ball daring anyone to stop me from running it across the goal line.  It means I become more confident, more aggressive.  It means I stop giving my power to other people, placing other people in positions to rule over me.  I refuse - I will rule me.

This is awesome! If all we do is quit PMO, we'll just have empty space in our lives. But if we fill our lives with good habits and activities, there won't even be room for PMO. Going on the offense is a great way to put it, and it sounds like you have some awesome plans!

Especially once you start to get a longer streak going, the defensive mode becomes more automatic and doesn't require as much constant effort. I think going on the offense is exactly the right thing to do to avoid stagnating.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 15, 2019, 02:36:23 AM
Good things, Squid. Now you can score some points after keeping the addiction's score at 0.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: rob24 on August 15, 2019, 06:34:36 PM
What a great idea! Instead of thinking of it as another day of hanging on, choose instead to thrive and grow! Choose new areas to concentrate on. What a good mentality, and one by which you will succeed in the long run. You have a great mindset, squid. Looking forward to catching up upon your return!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 20, 2019, 10:14:43 PM
Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 21, 2019, 03:48:45 AM
Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Awesome, dude! A month and a half! So close to 50 days which sounds wow! 50 freaking days!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 22, 2019, 05:37:35 PM
Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

That's a great report! Welcome back!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 23, 2019, 09:26:37 AM
What's up, Squid? How is it going?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 23, 2019, 08:45:29 PM
Day 48 - 8/23/19: 9:30pm

Hey Lero thanks for checking in, it's very timely. 

Back from my backpacking trip and things have gotten a bit bumpy.  Two instances stick out in my memory.  On 8/20, I reinstalled overwatch to play with a few friends of mine and had a great time tome.  So on 8/21 it was still installed and I played it on a work night from 10pm when I told my roommate I was going to bed until 4 am :o.  But that night I said to myself, okay, how can I get back on track?
I skipped my morning workout and got 4 hours of sleep and made it to work on time and had a good workday.  I've been good about walking at work and running on the evening with my roommate but I've been going asleep too late to swing the kettlebells.

Yesterday, 8/22, I talked to a lot of friends and family on the phone and my friends asked to play overwatch but I declined.  As I was calling people, one friend got back to me when I was already on the phone with someone else so I said I'd play a game of overwatch with him to catch up.  And I did, only one 20 min game and then I got off.  I got to bed at midnight and woke up at 8 so not bad.  I jad a great work day today and the other bumpy thing hot me out of nowhere.

This evening I had a nice dinner and watched some tv with my roommate.  Then I packed up for a trip to the beach and had to leave in 30 mins when I went to the bathroom.  I brought my phone in there.  I'm on my phone all the time these day, not smart.

*trigger warning*



I was in there and then while reading the news, nothing p related, I started to m.  I recognized what was happening so I tossed my phone out of reach.  But then I continued to m and stopped before o a few times but after only a few minutes I mo'd there was no p and no p fantasies.  But my thoughts were out of the norm.

I thought of my ex and my friend with benefits and my thoughts were of a want to connect.  If that makes sense.  They were thoughts of wanting to share myself with a woman again, of wanting to be intimate.  One thought in particular stuck with me.  A thought of having a girlfriend and her wanting me inside and feeling safe around me and being a couple.  I think I'm lonely.  I didn't realize how much so and the mo came out of nowhere and was kind of revealing.

I have been on the offensive.  I did my backpacking trip, spent time with a girl I have a crush on, have been doing better at work, have been doing better in Korean and have been more social.  I don't think I'm over the tipping point yet and I need to get the studying habit and excise habit down more and I haven't started blogging yet but things have been well.  What today showed me is that I'm lonely, I am going to start looking for dates again after this weekend beach trip.

I am also going to resume daily posting on here.  I'll convert to blogging about my travels more gradually, posting on here once a week isn't enough for where I'm at yet.  Missed you guys.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 23, 2019, 09:55:51 PM
Born to win 1:

Here's the goals:

Speaking Listening and Writing skills in the Korean Language at a lower advanced level (TOPIK level 5) by March 2021

Starting point: Completed beginner korean grammer book with instructor and have learned enough to be an intermediate but haven't incorporated the knowledge and put it onto long term memory or made the brain connections I need yet.


Thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail - April-September 2021

Starting point: Just did a four day backpacking trip at 12,000 feet that went very well.  I am fit enough to do the trip now, the obstacle is saving the $7,000 I need for the trip and having a plan for what to do after it.

Graduate School in international business abroad

Starting Point: Need to research schools and degree programs and find out when I need to apply.

Lose 30 pounds and weigh 165 pounds by March 2020
Starting Point: 195 pounds

Post 90 times to my blog, use it as a playground for my skills in writing, design, digital marketing and film making
Starting point: Bought a website for the blog but haven't posted anything.  Have been posting consistently on reboot nation though.



Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on August 24, 2019, 06:09:03 AM
Congratulations on further advancing! Good to see you have clear and ambitious long term goals, all the best for achieving them!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 24, 2019, 06:23:54 PM
Yeah, those look like great, clearly defined goals, and you're already taking steps on some of them. Carry on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 24, 2019, 08:49:18 PM
Day 49 - 8/24/19: 9:45pm

Thanks guys :)

I'm at the beach this weekend with a bunch of friends and my friends family celebrating his birthday.  It's been really awesome.  I'm excited to make some progress on the dream when I get back but I'm enjoying the time to relax and catch up with friends.  I have some great friends :).

M wants me to come up next week to sleep with her.  I've never done casual sex and only slept with someone twice so I'm a little nervous but also excited.  M has a lot more experience than me but I'm trying to focus on enjoying the moment and paying attention to her and not worrying about doing a performance. That's p, that's not what sex is actually about.  It's a lie.  I'm nervous about PE and PIED but I have no reason to be, I have so little experience I don't really have anything to base my fears off of.  So trying not to entertain the fear.  Any encouragement would be appreciated ;)


I spent the day on the beach, eating awesome seafood and swimming in the ocean with my good friends :).

Stay free my friends,

I believe in you,

-squid



Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on August 24, 2019, 11:07:26 PM
I can very much relate to the fact that i want to MO because i am lonely. Like you said it is revealing.

I think that analizing our feelings when we MO is a way to find out the underlining problem behind our addiction.

In my case i feel lonely and i perfectly relate to what you said about wanting to connect with a girl.

The problem is that this MO could lead to PMO, and that it is obviously not solving the issue.

That is why i am not fapping at all.

Good luck dude. Stay strong.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on August 24, 2019, 11:11:22 PM
(Edit : i struggle to do nofap)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 24, 2019, 11:35:40 PM
I can very much relate to the fact that i want to MO because i am lonely. Like you said it is revealing.

I think that analizing our feelings when we MO is a way to find out the underlining problem behind our addiction.

In my case i feel lonely and i perfectly relate to what you said about wanting to connect with a girl.

The problem is that this MO could lead to PMO, and that it is obviously not solving the issue.

That is why i am not fapping at all.

Good luck dude. Stay strong.

Hi Arthur, thanks for the post!  My plan is not to mo for my 90 day reboot but I do believe mo is a natural activity and that it should not be demonized.  P is the addiction, it's the problem.  So I've MO'd twice during the reboot and each time it has been a big learning experience, almost as if my rebooting body was talking back to me.  Not like my pmo at all.  No fantasy of p or thoughts of p at all.  The first time focusing on sensation and the second on thoughts of companionship.

Speaking of which, M wants me to come over next week :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 25, 2019, 05:51:43 PM
Progress is important, and a break on the beach is part of that!

It's so easy to think of all the time we wasted on our addictions that we just snap into a 100% productive mode, but then we'll just wear ourselves out. Resting and recharging is an important part of working.

Enjoy the beach and then get back at it with even more energy than before!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 25, 2019, 07:53:59 PM
Day 50 - 8/25/19: 9pm

Good day, back and ready for a new week!  I'll add more to this if I have time but if not at least I posted.  Happy fifty :), it's been a ride.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on August 25, 2019, 09:49:12 PM
Hey squid! Huge congratulations on 50 days! This is really awesome, dude! Sending you a virtual hug!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 26, 2019, 02:17:23 PM
Day 50 - 8/25/19: 9pm

Good day, back and ready for a new week!  I'll add more to this if I have time but if not at least I posted.  Happy fifty :), it's been a ride.

Daaaamn, bro! "50 days" sounds so good. I'm almost there. 50 days without PMO, that's it. In 2 weeks. But I've started my hard mode and I will be focusing on this.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 26, 2019, 08:44:58 PM
Happy fifty :), it's been a ride.

Woohoo!  ;D
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 27, 2019, 11:33:26 PM
Day 53 - 8/28/19: Midnight

I've been working on this idea of breaking down my goals for a few days.  Also during the past week overwatch had crept back into my life and I haven't been sleeping enough because I stay up late playing.  I'm giving myself some grace because work has been challenging and I have been traveling a lot.  But I'm starting to make my way back to center.  I uninstalled it again, I think another two or three week break will be nice.

Without further ado, this is the plan I will implement on Sept 1st.  I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.  I don't think it will because they are small steps but they are consistent.  It will be a challenge but I think the steps are reasonable.  Let me know what you guys think.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Here're the goals broken down.  I've never done anything quite like this before, I am excited to finally confront my fears and make some progress!


1)
Speaking Listening and Writing skills in the Korean Language at a lower advanced level (TOPIK level 5) by March 2021

Starting point: Completed beginner korean grammer book with instructor and have learned enough to be an intermediate but haven't incorporated the knowledge and put it onto long term memory or made the brain connections I need yet.

Future: Chat in Korean with korean coworker, watch korean tv shows and listen to korean music and read korean books, and translate my korean friends Instagram and text them, also join add1challenge in the fall. Take Topic test.

GOAL:
Sept 7 - Have all my lesson notes in a binder and take notes on each grammar concept and put it in the binder.  Do at least 30 mins of studying grammar and vocab each day

Daily Habit: On metro ride do Anko flashcards, Mon-thurs 30 minute Korean Lesson 9-9:30pm, Study grammar notes from previous lesson 30 minutes before, organize notes and look up needed additional info 30 minutes after lesson. 
------------------
2) Thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail - April-September 2021

Starting point: Just did a four day backpacking trip at 12,000 feet that went very well.  I am fit enough to do the trip now, the obstacle is saving the $7,000 I need for the trip and having a plan for what to do after it.

GOAL:
Not much needs to be done on this one for now, just continuing to adventure outside on the weekends at least once a month.  And to volunteer on the AT this fall for trail maintenance.
---------------------
3) Graduate School in international business abroad

Starting Point: Need to research schools and degree programs and find out when I need to apply.

Future - Reseach schools next then, create Applications to these schools or join organizations that will help application or apply for scholarships, of deadlines are too far out, write the essays now at least and network with people with experience of the school.

GOAL:
1. Name and location of school and program, why it is interesting, and the deadlines for applications
3. Record
Oct 1 - 20 sessions
Sept 21 - 15 sessions
Sept 14 - Meet with college career center, sept 10 or another date, also 10 sessions
Sept 7 - 5 sessions
Sept 1 - One 20 minute research session in the evening
--------------------
4) Lose 30 pounds and weigh 165 pounds by March 2020
Starting Point: 195 pounds
1. Track all food intake on MyFitnessPal
2. Morning kettlebells 5 days a week
3. Cardio five evenings a week
4. Walk 3 days a week during lunch at work


Future - Train for an athletic event

GOAL:
March 1 - done (165lbs)
Feb 1 - 170 lbs
Jan 1 - 175 lbs
Dec 1 - 180 lbs
Nov 1 - 185 lbs
Oct 1 - 190 lbs
Sept 21 - 191.25lbs
Sept 14 - 192.5lbs
Sept 7 - 193.75lbs
Sept 1 - 195lbs

Daily Habit: Kettlebells first thing on the morning, walk at work at lunch, cardio right after work oftentimes with roommate. Record food diary throughout the day.
-----------------------
5) Post 60 times to my blog, use it as a playground for my skills in writing, design, digital marketing and film making
Starting point: Bought a website for the blog but haven't posted anything

Future - Posting 5 days a week to instagram goal then add a vlog goal

GOAL:
Dec 1 - Done (60 posts)
Nov 1- 40 posts
Oct 1 - 20 posts
Sept 21 - 15 posts
Sept 14 - 10 posts
Sept 7 - 5 posts
Sept 1 - 1 post

Daily habit: Take pictures during my adventuring and post one picture plus at least one sentence to the website while on the metro.

6) Budget every month and track expenses
7) Continue to improve at work and look to move to an agency within 6 months
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on August 28, 2019, 04:42:53 AM
Just WOW!
You have all my support man.
Congrats for 50 days!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 28, 2019, 07:42:52 AM
Thanks free man, I like your name!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 28, 2019, 07:48:57 AM
Today is going to be a great day!  Time to get out and get at em!  Sending you all good vibes and sunshine. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 28, 2019, 06:42:51 PM
Go get 'em! Those are some detailed and well thought-out goals. I especially like the emphasis on habits and not just achievements!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on August 28, 2019, 07:23:47 PM
Great stuff, Squid!

Really cool that you're learning Korean!

May I ask what kind of diet plan you're using (if any)? Myfitnesspal is certainly the way to go, but do you also track your macros? Were you overweight before? What's your height? I used to be a personal trainer when I was at uni so if you need any tips just hit me up and I'd be happy to pull my old dusty books out help you optimise your training and diet plan.

Keep on truckin' brother! Big hugs to you.

- Adventurer




Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 29, 2019, 02:42:33 PM
At this point I'm just trying to become more aware by recording all my food and drink intake.  I'm open to ideas!  I am 5 ft 8 inches.


It's funny as soon as I defined my goals clearly I was hit by insane internal resistance and fear.  The past few days I've had trouble sleeping and have been spending lots of time procrastinating through overwatch and reading articles on my phone.  I am right on the cusp of some real cool things.  I just need to trust the process and not go back to the land of escapism. 

I could use your thoughts and support.  Wishing you the best.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on August 29, 2019, 05:14:05 PM
I just need to trust the process and not go back to the land of escapism. 

I think this is something that I really need to hear too. A big part of me is feeling like I have to control every detail of everything if anything is ever going to work out. I know with my brain that that isn't realistic and that there are a lot of things out of my control, but I still feel that way most of the time.

I think it can be really easy to turn goals and plans into burdens instead of benefits. I think I'm right with you in terms of wanting to understand this better and hear people's thoughts, but I think it's important to keep those big goals in mind but to focus on taking small steps every day (or regularly). Just like with recovery, we won't get there by flipping a switch but by putting in the work one day at a time.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on August 30, 2019, 03:09:25 AM
Yeah, fuck escapism. You cannot delete life.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on August 31, 2019, 08:11:12 PM
Been really spending a ton of time gaming, makes me feel foggy and not great.  Just wanted to tell someone, it's been a struggle this week.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 01, 2019, 12:18:55 AM
Day 56 - 8/31/19: 1am the next morning
Game free Day 0

I am starting to realize that I can't play games casually anymore.  At least right now.  It's been kind of scary this week, the urges to play overwatch and live in a digital world.  It's been rough.  By that I mean I don't feel like myself.  And it's scary because I don't want these habits in my future.  This week I've been playing non stop every hour I'm not at work.  I went two or three weeks without any gaming and it was great.  Then I reinstalled to play with friends and have been going hard ever since. 

I'll try to explain it.  It's not like I pop on to play a game and have fun.  It's like there's an itch in the back of my mind and I play and I feel blissful and numb and hours fly by in no time at all.  I get completely immersed. I know that the cause of my procrastinating is the fear from resistance and that the hiding isn't an enemy or that I'm bad or something for being so enchanted by a product made by a 134b dollar a year industry targeting young men like me.

The hard truth that I've been staring at is this.  I cannot achieve my goals and dreams while this habit is my form of hiding.  It's too dangerous and enchanting.  I have other things I want to do.  The gaming is from my past.  There was tension on my house growing up and the gaming was where I connected with my father as a kid and it was a place me and friends went to be free and express ourselves.

But it is no longer resourceful.  It is causing me great pain, I feel like a zombie and I haven't pmoed in almost two months!  It's time to reboot from it.  It's funny, I think the pmo masked the gaming problem.  They always went together but the pmo hid it a bit.  Now that pmo is gone, I'm realizing that this habit has no place in my future. 

I played from 8pm-1am every day this week, on workdays! I played 7pm-4am yesterday and 1pm - 1am today with only about a 3 hour break for food and a little cleaning.  That's crazy hours.  I feel sick :/, my eyes feel super fatigued and my mind is super ADD.  Click click click - get the dopamine.  I play game after game without stopping and while waiting for the next game I read the news on my phone looking for something new that's going on.

It's just so disappointing because the past few months have been awesome and I've built up some wonderful habits and on September 1st was going to bring it all together in a plan I thought out to reach my goals step by step.  And then this week, the week before, I've gone and metaphorically shot myself in the foot. 

It sucks.  But here's the thing.  I am moving forward anyway.  It's clear that if my dream creates that much internal resistance, then I need to achieve those dreams.  If I don't, the price is too high, the potential resentment of my unlived life would be an anchor dragging me into the sea.  My path, my plan, will create joy and love and impact people I care about.  And it's going to be worth the pain and effort.

I repeat it again, I am going pro.  I will record updates here and let you know how it feels to confront these ancient fears of mine. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 01, 2019, 12:24:13 AM
Yeah, fuck escapism. You cannot delete life.

Thanks Lero, you're right, life is too beautiful to run from
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 01, 2019, 12:24:54 AM
I just need to trust the process and not go back to the land of escapism. 

I think this is something that I really need to hear too. A big part of me is feeling like I have to control every detail of everything if anything is ever going to work out. I know with my brain that that isn't realistic and that there are a lot of things out of my control, but I still feel that way most of the time.

I think it can be really easy to turn goals and plans into burdens instead of benefits. I think I'm right with you in terms of wanting to understand this better and hear people's thoughts, but I think it's important to keep those big goals in mind but to focus on taking small steps every day (or regularly). Just like with recovery, we won't get there by flipping a switch but by putting in the work one day at a time.

Thanks blue, yeah I need to find the love in the step by step and not make it like a chore.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 01, 2019, 10:00:04 AM
it is nice to see that you also pinpoint an other problem in your life : the video games.

I used to play a lot of these too and i think it has very much disconnected me from reality.

Also it gives you that weird mindset of thinking that life is just a game, and that everything you do is not a big deal.
Basically when i was playing a lot of video games i was going through life as a careless ghost. Life was not so important to me.

Whereas the reality is that we have only one life and it is short and each day is of the utmost importance.
Video games numb you to that fact.

It is a horrible thought to go through life like that, and years later you look back and realize that you have wasted years in the void of your screen.

I think it has similar effects to PMO because in video games you make your brain think that you are a hero having a lot of accomplshments and resolving quests, and being popular, etc. Basically it makes you think that you are an alpha man or a conqueror or a winner when in fact you are doing strictly nothing at all but wasting time.

So then real life seems so dull in comparison.

I hate video games with such a perfect hatred, because right now my younger brother is emprisoned by them.

I wish you quit.
Stay free Squid.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 01, 2019, 10:03:49 AM
and sometimes i would weep for my younger brother if i still had tears in me.

An other motivation for me to quit PMO is to be able again to have pure feelings for other people.
This crap has depleted me from being able to feel.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on September 01, 2019, 10:22:20 AM
it is nice to see that you also pinpoint an other problem in your life : the video games.

I used to play a lot of these too and i think it has very much disconnected me from reality.

Also it gives you that weird mindset of thinking that life is just a game, and that everything you do is not a big deal.
Basically when i was playing a lot of video games i was going through life as a careless ghost. Life was not so important to me.

Whereas the reality is that we have only one life and it is short and each day is of the utmost importance.
Video games numb you to that fact.

It is a horrible thought to go through life like that, and years later you look back and realize that you have wasted years in the void of your screen.

I think it has similar effects to PMO because in video games you make your brain think that you are a hero having a lot of accomplshments and resolving quests, and being popular, etc. Basically it makes you think that you are an alpha man or a conqueror or a winner when in fact you are doing strictly nothing at all but wasting time.

So then real life seems so dull in comparison.

I hate video games with such a perfect hatred, because right now my younger brother is emprisoned by them.

I wish you quit.
Stay free Squid.

Good discussion about video games. You know what I've realized? I've seen many porn addicts saying that they use/used to play a lot of video games. I used to do this too. I still do it but not to the same degree. I played a tone more video games years ago. Why? Maybe because I needed more dopamine after porn? Or maybe because porn made me isolate myself and what else can you do? Watch TV? Why when you have video games? Without video games yeah I would've watched TV all day. Porn has the talent to suck the life out of us (hahaha good word). I'm sure I wasn't the only one who felt apathetic, aloof, exhausted, unmotivated, anxious, depressed etc. When you feel like that you have no mood to go out. You just want to stay inside and video games are right there. But all this shit does one thing: Removes us from life and promises us a relief that is fake. That's why it's so crucial to quit porn because staying away from porn offers more energy, more mood, less anxiety and you can actually go out and meet people.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on September 01, 2019, 10:29:55 AM
And drinking too. Now thinking about it, it probably was because I had this discomfort of low dopamine and I wanted to "elevate myself" ? This fucking thing made me lose a 40 days streak. Because it had become a habit, cause I didn't need any "elevation". My 40 days streak was doing fine. But you see, you form stupid habits that fuck you up. I mean, I used to say "I don't have a problem with alcohol" and maybe I don't but it's become a habit. "Let's drink something." or "Let's call X and Y cause we are having fun when we drink." Discipline is so crucial. What sabotages you? Drinking? Ditch that. Social media? Get rid of it. Youtube? Walk away and never look back. Maybe this will make you feel like you take everything to extreme, like you are a robot or some shit but it's probably how it works best.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 01, 2019, 12:07:43 PM
Good discussion gentleman.  And I'm sorry about your brother Arthur, that's sad. 

If the cost to become fit, speak Korean and find an awesome girlfriend is to not spend 30 hours a week playing overwatch, then that's a price I'm willing to pay.  That time is very valuable and I need it for other activities that I really love.  I'm scared, and uncomfortable and don't know if everything is going to work out if I really try.  If I really put myself out there and post on my blog and do my exercises and talk to the girl I have a crush on, I might fail.  But I am moving forward anyway, because the pain of immobility is so great.  I believe boats are meant for sailing, planes are meant for flying, cars are made for driving, and humans are also built for accomplishment. 

My uncle has a car I'm trying to buy.  It's an SUV from 2010 and if it had been driven regularly, it would be in great shape.  But it sat on the grass for four years and mold got inside, and it became undrivable without a lot of work.  I think that's a useful metaphor, even though it seems risky to go out and try new things, sitting and doing nothing is far more dangerous.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 01, 2019, 09:13:37 PM
If I really put myself out there and post on my blog and do my exercises and talk to the girl I have a crush on, I might fail.  But I am moving forward anyway, because the pain of immobility is so great.

This is awesome, and I really like the car metaphor. I think in a lot of ways porn has gotten us stuck in life, and it takes some work for us to get up and running again.

I really think the trick is not succeeding right away but sticking with it and being consistent even when we aren't successful right away. I've seen too many guys show up here, make some good progress, and then totally disappear when they relapse again. That's not a failure, just a step in the learning process, and I wonder how different things would be if they had stuck with it after that first relapse.

Forget all your progress up to this point and everything else, the fact that you are committed to moving forward anyway gives me a lot of hope for you and is inspiring. It's definitely a little scary to make a big change, and it's possible that you won't do it perfectly right away. But you're right, 30 hours is a big deal. Just think of all the awesome things you can do with that time.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 02, 2019, 08:46:15 PM
Day 58 - 9/2/19: 9:30pm
NG: 2

Great holiday weekend.  Even though I binged all of Saturday on videogames (before I resolved to quit) I turned things in a better direction on Sunday.  I cleaned my entire apartment and went to visit my mom and childhood friend.  It was a great visit and I was active going kyaking, frisbee, and even read a lot of my book.

For the no gaming I am going to define it more.  For now it means no solo gaming, no overwatch, no browsing the news (especially on my phone), the only exception for the gaming is when my best friends from back home want to catch up over a game we play together.  This happens very rarely and is not the source or trigger of my escapism. 

Now I'm back and preparing for an awesome week.  This week O l implement the plan.

Tomorrow:
Record on my fitness pal app
Morning kettlebells
drive car to work
Walk at lunch
twenty minute research session on grad programs on metro ride home
Cardio in the evening
Study Korean 8:30pm-10pm
One blog post
In bed by 10:30

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 03, 2019, 07:06:39 AM
Quote
. But you see, you form stupid habits that fuck you up. I mean, I used to say "I don't have a problem with alcohol" and maybe I don't but it's become a habit. "Let's drink something." or "Let's call X and Y cause we are having fun when we drink." Discipline is so crucial. What sabotages you? Drinking? Ditch that. Social media? Get rid of it. Youtube? Walk away and never look back. Maybe this will make you feel like you take everything to extreme, like you are a robot or some shit but it's probably how it works best.

I came to realize that life is all about fighting all kinds of addictions. That is to say : it is all about being sober and not yield to easy pleasure.

If you are sober, you will have succes.
If your are a glutton, you will have a low life.

If you are fat or unhealthy, it is probably because you have a food addiction.
If you are anxious and socialy awkward, it is probably porn addiction.
If your are lazy, it is probably a video games addiction.

I oversimplify things here because those side effects of addiction overlap, but the point is that we need to be sober.

And once we start to be, we will find out that we actually love it.

I recently realized an awesome thing, that is obvious, but we don' t necessarily always grasp it in it' s simplicity :

A THING BEING PLEASUREABLE IS NOT A CRITERIA OF IT BEING BENEFICIAL FOR US.

Stay free
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 03, 2019, 07:29:55 AM
Hey Arthur, you're right about pleasurable things not always being good for us.  However, sometimes they are.  I'd caution you against painting the world in black and white.  It's not.  Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they have a food addiction.  They might but probably not.  My goal is not to remove pleasure, my goal is to decide where I'd like to be, to make a plan, become a part of the community, and through habits every day move towards my goals.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 03, 2019, 03:25:09 PM
Absolutly.

I am not saying that pleasure is bad. Because pleasure is good in alot of cases.

Don' t get me wrong.

I am saying that pleasure is not acriteria on how good for us a thing is.

Because things that are good for us might not be pleasurable like for example if you have a kid that you have to force them to eat their vegetables. They don' t like it but it is good for them.

Or the other way around, we may like a certain thing, like let s say video games. And i lile playing video games, but i know that they are not good for me.


I am not the guy that says we should avoid all pleasure.

But like you said, we need to figure out where we want to go in life and who we want to be, and then to the things that are necessary for us to do that, and learn how to enjoy them.

I know you enjoy learning korean (is it you who tries to learn it ?). I enjoy exercizing and playing music and reading and go to church.

Bless you.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 03, 2019, 03:28:54 PM
Pleasure is a tool that can be used well or not.

Like a two edged sword.

You can use it and harm yourself, or use it and be the most happy and blessed person in the world.

I know people who are very happy, they have a lot of pleasure in their life, but they are not hedonistic.
On the contrary, they enjoy righteous things and are the most happy people i know.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 03, 2019, 05:52:15 PM
Hey Arthur, you're right about pleasurable things not always being good for us.  However, sometimes they are.  I'd caution you against painting the world in black and white.  It's not.  Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they have a food addiction.  They might but probably not.  My goal is not to remove pleasure, my goal is to decide where I'd like to be, to make a plan, become a part of the community, and through habits every day move towards my goals.

Wise words! When pleasure is the fuel of addiction, it can be easy to want to cut out all pleasure anywhere. But that isn't the point. The point is to rebalance our response to pleasure (like normal, natural attraction a significant other instead of trancelike attraction to an extreme form of porn) and not use it as an escape from reality.

Sounds like you have a solid plan for reclaiming your life. I especially like your thought about when it is okay to play games (to reconnect with friends). That is a good example of taking a healthy approach to pleasurable activities. It's about maintaining human connections and not about escaping life.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 03, 2019, 09:22:01 PM
Thanks everyone for the support!

Day 59 - 9/3/19: 10pm
NG 3
Kettlebells went well, I did less than normal since it's been a few weeks.  Took me 40 minutes to get out the door.  I'd do a warm up then go to bathroom then finish and had to go again lol, really loosened me up I guess.

Got to work around 9:40 which I don't like.  It's kind of flexible but I really should be there at 9 at the latest to have time in the evening.  Morning went well, did my afternoon walk and then in the evening O got slammed and really overwhelmed at work.  It's tough sometimes.

Left work, had a nice dinner and rode my bike to the library.  Did my Korean lesson and on the metro home from work researched scholarships and put holds on some books.

Things to improve: 
I'd actually like to study, I never really have, I just put it off all the time. I am going to print my homework and put it in a binder and stay better organized and at 8pm tomorrow go to work on it hard.  I procrastinated at the library and didn't get home until right before my lesson.  It's self sabotage, I need to study to learn the language.  Tomorrow's another day!

Another thing is I'm adding watching YouTube videos of overwatch and overwatch news to the NG counter starting today.  I'm keeping the counter the same since it's only been a few days anyway.  I will use that time and read a book instead.  Or talk to people.

Plan for tomorrow

Kettlebells
Vocab on metro ride to
walk at lunch
research on metro ride back
cardio in the evening
8-9pm actually do my homework for the first time
blog post on here and one for my fitness travel blog
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on September 04, 2019, 05:41:51 AM
Congratulations on your latest success and on trying to improve in every aspect, including the video game / YouTube topic. I changed my opinion on the radical approach of change throughout time. Yes, it might be exhausting to put in lots of effort on various topics, but on the other hands the radical approach shows results and brings new energy to keep advancing. You keep having clear goals in life and see steady progress, which is a good sign. Keep going!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: sammyboy74 on September 04, 2019, 12:06:38 PM
Hey squid, great job! I really like your goal-oriented approach to life. It's interesting to see differences in what people want out of recovery. For me, the motivation to accomplish things is a big part of it for sure but the main motivator is social in nature. I want to be more consistently happy, have a more stable sense of confidence, more drive to connect with people, and ultimately more meaningful connections in my life.

How has 60 days of no PMO affected you in that sense? Felt more sure of yourself? Happier at all?

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 04, 2019, 04:36:51 PM
Hey squid, great job! I really like your goal-oriented approach to life. It's interesting to see differences in what people want out of recovery. For me, the motivation to accomplish things is a big part of it for sure but the main motivator is social in nature. I want to be more consistently happy, have a more stable sense of confidence, more drive to connect with people, and ultimately more meaningful connections in my life.

How has 60 days of no PMO affected you in that sense? Felt more sure of yourself? Happier at all?

Hi Sammy, Yes I am 1000 times happier, confident and more social. Keep in mind I didn't just do no pmo, I took many other steps as well to live more on purpose.

Happier in at least two ways:


1. Time and energy and increased motivation from non pmo activities - Before a lot of my time was used on videogames and pmo in a back and forth cycle.  On workdays but also many weekends.  Last weekend I visited family, the weekend before that I went to the beach with a bunch of friends for a birthday weekend, the week before that I flew to Colorado and backpacked with a great friend for 4 days.  Etc etc.  I could not do those trips without my reboot because of my energy level, time, and lack of motivation.


2. Since my time is more spent on activities I love and I don't have that inner hatred for my secret life, it's much easier to socialize.  I can talk about travel, languages, fitness, sailing, backpacking, hiking, etc with lots of passion because I work on those goals every day.  And you know what?  Other people love those things too and it's a natural fit of becoming more social through shared interests.


I hope that answers your question!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 04, 2019, 05:30:07 PM
Since my time is more spent on activities I love and I don't have that inner hatred for my secret life, it's much easier to socialize.  I can talk about travel, languages, fitness, sailing, backpacking, hiking, etc with lots of passion because I work on those goals every day.  And you know what?  Other people love those things too and it's a natural fit of becoming more social through shared interests.

Man, this is an awesome way of putting it. I didn't really realize what was changing for me and my attitudes, but I think you described it very well. I'm losing my hatred for my secret life (and getting rid of that secret life). That really does change the way I feel about myself and about other people (and about how I assume other people feel about me).

It's so true. Everything else you're also working on is totally stuff to  be proud of and to connect with other people over. Really cool and inspiring. I'm so used to hiding everything about myself (because I worried I would somehow accidentally out myself as an addict), but you're reminding me that I can be more open and honest about myself and my interests.

Nothing to hide here, and that feels pretty good. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 04, 2019, 06:19:15 PM
yeah ! It is pretty cool actually to be clean and have nothing to hide.  8)

I say this is true freedom.

Thank you for pointing that out.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 04, 2019, 09:46:15 PM
Day 60 - 9/4/19: 11pm

Good discussion guys :)

Today was a good day, I'm too tired to do a formal post but I did my kettlebells, did my walk at lunch, did studying in the metro voth ways, had a record lesson, and had time to watch a few episodes of a new show that's been very fun and I've been meaning to watch.   Work went really well too.

Tomorrow:

Kettlebells
study on metro
walk at lunch
maybe bike to the library or some cardio right after work
Study 8-9pm focusing on my listening exercises
Korean lesson 9-9:30

M invited me to her place on Saturday to sleep with her.  I'm nervous but excited.  The only thing is that her ex still lives at her place until the lease is up but she swore he doesn't care and one of my buddies who knows both of them thinks I'll be fine.  He will be standing by in case I need to crash somewhere.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 05, 2019, 10:54:30 PM
Day 61 - 9/5/19: 11:45pm

Today was very well.  There a few tweaks I want to make to tomorrow's goals though.

No kettlebell, need to sleep more
At work at 9 instead of 9:30
Korean studying on the metro, that's been fun actually not too bad
Walk at lunch, this has been a great blessing to me and very very helpful.


The tweaks are for after work:  I want to do the important things I normally put off first and not wait until later in the evening.

The main things I put off are doing my evening run, homework, creating my lifestyle blog and going to sleep before 11, when I go to sleep later than that then I can't do my morning workout and it throws my day off.

I'm thinking of a new evening routine.  Will continue tomorrow.  It's going to be Friday!

stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 06, 2019, 03:16:48 PM
Congrats Squid, 61 it's an amazing number you have achieved!
I like the determination and discipline that you put in your tasks and goals
Cheers!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 06, 2019, 05:43:34 PM
Thanks free man, it was a needed change.  I'm much happier now.  Sending you good vibes
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 06, 2019, 05:49:25 PM
I'm thinking of a new evening routine. 

Good stuff! I'm kind of in the same boat. I have been thinking that the evenings are easier to control, so I have been leaving important things to do later in the day. But then I get tired, and I end up spending more time responding to people here than I thought, and so on... Maybe I just need to set a timer and do the best I can with the time I have.

In the last week or so I have actually started setting a timer to keep me moving in the morning. It's kind of a silly thing, but it has helped me to get going quicker and to start the day with better momentum.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 06, 2019, 09:31:28 PM
Picture painting 1:

What does it feel like to be 165lbs? 
I feel strong.
 I am able to hike 20 mile days with a weighted pack and do it the next day and the next, for months.
I feel sexy.
I feel responsible.
I feel accomplished.
I feel proud
I feel healthy.
I feel motivated.
I feel loose in my old pants.
I feel great joy on daily exercise.
I feel athletic.


What does it feel like to speak Korean?
I feel smart.
I feel brave.
I feel optimistic.
I feel motivated.
I feel joy at all the new friendships.
I feel inspired at the new opportunities.
I feel connected.
I feel consistent.

I'm going out tonight for a little, have a great Friday everyone!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 07, 2019, 06:01:17 PM
Have a good time out!

I really like the picture painting idea. I think I'll try something like that sometime.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 07, 2019, 09:43:02 PM
Day 63 - 9/7/19: 11pm


Met up with m tonight and had my first casual sexual experience.  And third experience ever.  And.. it was not that fantastic. I had trouble getting hard and when I finally did I came super fast.  Hardly even entered.  Frustrating and embarrassing but hey at least I put myself out there and I view it as a step on a longer journey.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 08, 2019, 07:56:20 PM
Day 64 - 9/8/19: 9pm

Spent the whole day volunteering helping teach wounded vendors how to sail.  It was awesome.  I'm still bummed about not being able to perform yesterday but I'm trying to focus on being proactive.  It's been a great week and this new week will be even better!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 08, 2019, 08:27:10 PM
That's right! This week will be even better!

Just keep taking care of yourself and pressing forward, and things will work out!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: brandnewself on September 10, 2019, 01:18:31 AM
Day 64 - 9/8/19: 9pm

Spent the whole day volunteering helping teach wounded vendors how to sail.  It was awesome.  I'm still bummed about not being able to perform yesterday but I'm trying to focus on being proactive.  It's been a great week and this new week will be even better!
Hi Squid I totally understand your feeling about the performance. Last year I had my first sexual encounter with someone from a nightclub. I drank a lot and I couldn't get hard. I remember being really nervous and self-conscious about it although I was very drunk. But you know what, the girl liked it no matter what. The next morning we were just hugging each other in the bed and talked a lot. I could see from the girl's eyes that she was happy about last night. This got me realize that sometimes people just want a companion, sex is probably the least important thing for them. Of course you would prefer the best sex you can get but most of the time it's not the case. Simply hugging and kissing someone could already make someone's day 10 times better. So don't worry about it, even people who don't have porn addictions can't perform well for all kinds of reasons. You can still offer a lot even without sex and the girl should appreciate it. If she doesn't, then it's really her problem but not yours. Anyways, we will also improve ourselves as we continue our reboot. You're doing a good job so please carry it on ;D
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 10, 2019, 08:28:15 AM
Thanks Brand New, That makes a lot of sense.  Yeah I'm still moving forward!  I got almost 9 hours of sleep today, I think I want to make that a priority for the next few months.  I feel much better.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 10, 2019, 10:21:29 PM
Day 66 - 9/10/19: 11:15pm

Busy day.  Work was good.  Did my walk at lunch and after work I volunteered at the board of a non profit I'm on and it was really awesome to see the good work that everyone is doing in the community.  Volunteering is super effective against pmo, I encourage you all to get out there and give your efforts to a cause you support in your community.

Instead of tracking the days I haven't gamed - which is not working.  I am going to track the days I do my plan.  Starting tomorrow evening.

Keep up the good work everyone, I love reading your journals.  And to anyone who hasn't made a journal yet or who did but went back to pmo and is feeling shame - post a journal!  We don't bite and we don't judge.  The biggest difference maker in this reboot compared to my other 10,000 is this journal and the community. 

Stay free my friends, your community needs you.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 10, 2019, 10:24:14 PM
Day 64 - 9/8/19: 9pm

Spent the whole day volunteering helping teach wounded vendors how to sail.  It was awesome.  I'm still bummed about not being able to perform yesterday but I'm trying to focus on being proactive.  It's been a great week and this new week will be even better!
Hi Squid I totally understand your feeling about the performance. Last year I had my first sexual encounter with someone from a nightclub. I drank a lot and I couldn't get hard. I remember being really nervous and self-conscious about it although I was very drunk. But you know what, the girl liked it no matter what. The next morning we were just hugging each other in the bed and talked a lot. I could see from the girl's eyes that she was happy about last night. This got me realize that sometimes people just want a companion, sex is probably the least important thing for them. Of course you would prefer the best sex you can get but most of the time it's not the case. Simply hugging and kissing someone could already make someone's day 10 times better. So don't worry about it, even people who don't have porn addictions can't perform well for all kinds of reasons. You can still offer a lot even without sex and the girl should appreciate it. If she doesn't, then it's really her problem but not yours. Anyways, we will also improve ourselves as we continue our reboot. You're doing a good job so please carry it on ;D

Shout out to brand new, your post made a difference for me.  Just what I needed to hear.  Thanks man
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 11, 2019, 06:13:14 PM
Instead of tracking the days I haven't gamed - which is not working.  I am going to track the days I do my plan.  Starting tomorrow evening.

Love the idea! I have a few habit trackers going on my phone, but there's only one that's "negative" (don't PMO). All the rest are positive (things I should do and want to do).

I think we put ourselves in a much stronger position when we focus on going after good things instead of just avoiding the bad.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 11, 2019, 09:17:13 PM
Day 67 - 9/11/19: 10pm
Days on purpose in a row: 1
Great day, I got my sleep in, felt energized and motivated at work and got a few compliments from coworkers today on some improvements I made to process.  Got my walk on and did a nap after work.  It really put me in a great space.  Like a brain reset after work.  I uninstalled overwatch again and my roommate was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't shut in my room all night.  Instead I got fitted for new running shoes, made dinner and went shopping for groceries.  After that I sat down in the living room and studied Korean for one hour while my roommate did his Chinese for an hour as well.  It was so awesome!  I haven't actually done my homework in months and months but today I did!  Can't wait to surprise my teacher by actually remembering what I learned ahaha.

Thanks for your post blue, keep it positive!

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 12, 2019, 06:59:05 AM
Sounds so positive and good…
Congratulations Squid!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: dusty on September 12, 2019, 07:37:37 AM
Such a great approach to the reboot. Good luck squid  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 12, 2019, 05:03:49 PM
Sounds like an awesome day! Really inspiring stuff!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 12, 2019, 07:47:21 PM
Day 68 - 9/12/19: 8:30pm

Thanks guys the encouragement is really awesome :).

Today was a great day.  I went to bed at 11 last night, took a little bit to fall asleep but I made it up at 7am.  Didn't hit the snooze at all which I'm proud of, and did my kettlebell warm up.  However, I really wasn't feeling it, felt weak and a little woozy.  I think I just need to get used to waking up early again, it's been a few weeks.  Also I didn't eat anything and that might have contributed.  So after the warm up I made a nice breakfast with eggs.

On the metro rides I listened to the Brian Tracy audiobook eat that frog, which is available free on YouTube, and began making lists of my goals using his suggestions.  I'm not done yet but I'm gaining more clarity which is great.  My goals before were still too vague and lacked step by steps in priority, also I didn't have all the goal on paper, but I will soon.

Didn't walk at lunch because I was at a vendor lunch meeting.  Even though the day at work was rough, my favorite co-worker left the company and my bosses were being extra trouble, the lunch was great.  Haha I had wine, steak, and lobster bisque at no charge to me, what a great perk.

After work I implemented my new evening routine to great success.  I came in an immediately changed into the running clothes I set out in the morning.  Then my roommate said he wanted to come too and we ran the two mile loop.  My new running shoes are awesome, big difference.  After not running for two weeks, I ran a 16:00 two miles.  My fastest yet :).

After the immediate post work run I did step two of my new routine and took a twenty minute nap after showering.  It was a game changer, my brain cleaned out the work stress and rebooted in a way.  Then I had a nice small dinner and chatted with my roommate and now I'm journaling here and will do a little studying before bed.

All of these awesome things I couldn't do when I played overwatch for 4-5 hours after work.  I like the new routine much better and don't miss the games, they weren't really that fun anyway.  More escapism than anything else really.

In other news, I asked M if she was interested in meeting up for sex again.  She said no.  That stung but hey I don't think she's the right one for me anyway.  So yeah I look forward to improving to the point where I can have sex successfully, which hasn't happened yet.

Stay free my friends,

you are not alone,

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 13, 2019, 03:06:51 AM
You're improving man, the good and healthy habits are consolidating
Would you say the days are brighter than before?
Stay strong!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 13, 2019, 06:33:20 AM
The days are bright and brighter everyday!  Thanks for your comment freeman.  Happy Friday crew :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 13, 2019, 06:11:07 PM
Awesome stuff! Keep going strong!

I was thinking about how amazing it is that you're making these significant changes to your private life that will make a difference everywhere else, but nobody really knows about it. Your coworkers, that girl, they might see a little difference in you (that will definitely grow over time), but they can't see the huge amount of work that you're putting into straightening out your life.

I'm glad that there's a group of us who can see the work you're putting in. It's amazing work, but it can be discouraging when nobody else can see and you can't really tell most people about it.

So, even if nobody in your real life can see it or can say anything about it, congratulations on all the effort you're putting into building a better life. It's no joke, and you're really rising to the occasion. Pat yourself on the back and keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 13, 2019, 06:44:09 PM
Thanks for your comment blue, that means a lot to me.  Thanks everyone for being a witness, and I'm happy to see all of you guys making progress too.  I'm hanging out with friends tonight so don't have time for a formal post but the day went well.  Happy Friday!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 14, 2019, 08:24:04 PM
I'm hanging out with friends tonight so don't have time for a formal post but the day went well.  Happy Friday!

Good to hear! Take care!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 15, 2019, 08:01:38 AM
Day 71 - 9/15/19: 9am

I'm waiting on a train so I figured that's a good opportunity to write a longer post.  Friday night a friend came down to hang out with me and my roommate.  So I went straight from work to a bbq place and then from there went back the apartment.  After a bit of pregaming we went into the city to go clubbing.  I'm a big fan of dancing and love the freedom of the club where everyone is trying to let loose and have fun. 

It was a great night, we stayed until 2am.  I danced with quite a few beautiful women.  All of them initiated the dance with me.  Which is great and super cool but I do want to be more confident to ask them to dance.  I guess I don't want to come off as pushy or make anyone uncomfortable, also I don't like rejection.  But the fact is that the girls want to dance too and I'm not doing anyone any favors by hiding.   I did ask one girl but she said she wasn't interested, then I got a little bummed until someone else wanted to dance. 

There was one move that I hadn't seen before where the girl danced behind me and wrapped her arm around my neck in an unlocked half choke hold and squeezed slightly.  I didn't expect that!  It was pretty hot in the moment.

Saturday I woke up pretty early considering when I got to bed   I listened to Eat That Frog and wrote my master list of goals.  Then called my mom, which was nice.  I talked to three family members over the weekend.  Me and my friends went out to a cajun bakery and had what I think is the best brunch in the city so far.  Super delicious: poached egg, pulled pork, and potatoes with gravy on top all with cajun spices.

After that we went to an art museum where I got see see a bunch American impressionist paintings of landscapes from the 1800s and a piece from Leonardo Da Vinci.  That was magnificent.

After that, I went home around 4 and had a relaxed evening doing chores and tidying up.  I got some clam chowder soup and put it in a bread bowl from Panera.  It was very tasty.

Now today, Sunday, I am on my way towards the coast to go sailing.  I'm volunteering with the organization that takes people with disabilities on the water.  I love taking people on the water.  It's like giving them freedom from all the trappings of the land for a few hours. 

Unfortunately I will be an hour and 15 minutes late which is not great.  They told me the wrong time but even so I'm pretty late.  It's because I have to ride the train to my car and then drive down.  Next time I need to bring my car to my house in advance because the metro opens late on Sunday mornings.

The plan for today is to sail until 3pm or so and then maybe see some family if they aren't busy.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 15, 2019, 05:47:31 PM
Wow, really fantastic stuff! It sounds like a phenomenal weekend and the makings of a really satisfying kind of life. This alone is proof enough that there is so much more to any one of us than our addiction.

Just imagine if you limited yourself to seeing yourself as a porn addict. You'd miss the fact that you sail, care about family, appreciate art, do chores, and the fact that women want to dance with you! When we limit ourselves to being addicts, we miss a whole lot of the things that make us good people and that can make our lives full and interesting.

Inspired by your busy weekend! Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 16, 2019, 03:17:26 AM
Good to hear that Squid. It really was a social weekend.
You know dance and you like it. That is a very advantage to approach girls.
That's the way, Congrats for it.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 16, 2019, 09:56:11 PM
Day 72 - 9/16/19: 10:45pm

Great day today, did the kettlebell workout this morning, finally finished a project I had been procrastinating on at work for a month.  The book Eat that Frog really helped me to eat that particular frog haha.  Also I bought a bicycle from my coworker!  It's a Trek 8.3 DS from 2014ish and is super nice.  Hardly ridden and he included the panniers and extra stuff so I am all set to do some trail riding and bike packing :).

My boss did the usual and was being an a-hole but I was able to not let it get to me and still had a great afternoon.  In the past it would really bother me all day but I'm learning that it has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't let it get me down.

Did a little bike ride after work and it was super fun.  I got some adjustments to make but they shouldn't be too difficult.

Added some new pictures and a bio to my online dating and started to make that active again.

Korean lesson tonight went super good.  Studying makes it way more fun.

Tomorrow I'm doing kettlebells, I'll take off from them on Wednesday.  Also want to do an afternoon walk and evening run.  After that I want to study for at least 30 minutes and maybe rode to the bike shop for some things or to the library.  Also want to message some friends I haven't talked to in a while.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 17, 2019, 02:30:29 AM
Very positive journal Squid.
Very inspiring and very happy for you and your progress.
Exercise, reading and study and good luck in your online dating research!
All sounds good, that's the way!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 17, 2019, 06:13:29 AM
Thanks free-man, the small daily changes I made a few months ago are starting to add up and build some momentum :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 17, 2019, 05:25:30 PM
Thanks free-man, the small daily changes I made a few months ago are starting to add up and build some momentum :)

That's awesome! It's true that these little things add up to make a big difference. All progress is progress, even tiny steps forward. It's so much better to do a few easier things consistently than to overwhelm ourselves with expectations and goals that are too high.

Keep rocking it!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 17, 2019, 08:24:40 PM
Day 73 - 9/17/19: 9:30 pm

Good day today and a reminder to rest.  I have been extremely active in the past few weeks and today showed me that I wasn't resting enough.  I woke up on time to do the kettlebells but didn't have the energy to do more than the warm up. 

Work went well and I got a short walk in at lunch.  After work I ate a huge dinner.  I've been slacking for a few days in the my fitness pal diary and I definitely went over but I was so tired and so hungry.  I reinstalled overwatch and played for an hour and fifteen minutes with my friend from back home, it was great to catch up.  After, I turned it off and now I'm about to take a bath and go to bed around 10 or Sleep is what I need. 

In the past this tired restless feeling led me to gaming then pmo.  But this time I recognized the feeling and set limits on the gaming and am taking steps to get actual rest.  Not fake rest like pmo and video games.


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Arthur2 on September 18, 2019, 10:42:11 AM
Quote
In the past this tired restless feeling led me to gaming then pmo.  But this time I recognized the feeling and set limits on the gaming and am taking steps to get actual rest.  Not fake rest like pmo and video games.

It is great that you are able to recognize a slippery thought pattern.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 18, 2019, 06:31:56 PM
That's awesome, sounds like another good day!

Rest is definitely important. I can't remember if you said you do the kettlebells every day? Would it be a good idea to alternate days maybe with something different? That way you give your muscles a chance to rest and rebuild.

I could also just be projecting myself onto you. It is so hard for me to let myself rest, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is part of the process too and helps me to work harder and better after.

Keep it going, either way!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 18, 2019, 09:40:37 PM
Day 74 - 9/18/19: 10:30pm

Good day, slept in and got well over eight hours of sleep.  I'm going to do it again tonight.  Work is going really well, the productivity tips I've been learning have been working.

Did my run this evening and talked to family.  Made a nice dinner too.  Also did some online dating stuff. 

Tomorrow's a new day!

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 19, 2019, 07:16:59 AM
Kettlebells down!!!! Great workout this morning.  I'm pumped.  Going to be a great day gentleman.  Work, walk, goal setting, run, blog, and motorcycle maintenance on the docket today.  Go get em!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 19, 2019, 08:15:59 AM
On hating pmo:

Do I hate pmo?  No.

I pity it, it makes me sad, I sympathize with the people in the industry, I empathize with the people trapped in the pmo loop.  But I don't hate it.  I don't care that much about it.  Hating it gives it power and emotion and focus and will make it much more difficult to leave it behind.

Let me tell you what I do care about, this is much more effective. 

I care about seeing the leaves fall from the trees.  I care about making a woman smile while thinking about me.  I care about taking care of my body.  I care about work.  I care about professionalism.  I care about art.  I care about the outdoors, the mountains, and the sea.  I care about the feeling of the wind coming over the windward bow in the bay, I care about staying present, I care about learning Korean, I care about sharing positive and helpful messages with the world.  I care about music.  I care about my family.  I care about my friends.  I care about my city and contributing to my community. I care about you.

I will not relent, I continue onwards and upwards.

See you at the top,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 19, 2019, 05:18:43 PM

I care about seeing the leaves fall from the trees.  I care about making a woman smile while thinking about me.  I care about taking care of my body.  I care about work.  I care about professionalism.  I care about art.  I care about the outdoors, the mountains, and the sea.  I care about the feeling of the wind coming over the windward bow in the bay, I care about staying present, I care about learning Korean, I care about sharing positive and helpful messages with the world.  I care about music.  I care about my family.  I care about my friends.  I care about my city and contributing to my community. I care about you.

I will not relent, I continue onwards and upwards.

See you at the top,

-squid

Beautiful thoughts! It really sounds like you've found a groove, and that's awesome. Maintaining a more stable "normal" definitely gets easier with time, and then you end up in a better place to tackle all the rest of life.

Super happy for you and excited to see where you go from here. Keep on trekkin'!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 19, 2019, 10:10:27 PM
Day 75 - 9/19/19: 11pm

Great day.  Kettlebells went phenomenally well.  Work I crushed and got all caught up using the tips I've learned from the goal setting books.  Crazy, I thought it was impossible to get caught up.  So I started watching some training videos at the end of the day.

Did my walk at lunch and it was awesome.  At the end of work I got to talk to one of our directors for 30 minutes and really learned a lot about the analysis side of the business. It was fascinating.

Did two pages of my Korean homework :) and texted a bunch of friends.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 20, 2019, 07:29:36 PM
Sounds like a great productive day! I hope you have a great weekend: I definitely think you have earned it!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 22, 2019, 10:42:48 PM
Day 78 - 9/22/19: 11:30pm

Don't have the time for a detailed post but I'm still truckin!  I had a good weekend but I've started to play overwatch again.  I've really been paying attention to how I feel afterwards.  And it always makes me feel low energy, depressed and generally dissatisfied. 

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 23, 2019, 08:55:32 PM
Keep on truckin'! That's good news.

I think it's good that you're paying attention to how things make you feel (not just PMO). The fact that Overwatch makes you feel low and depressed is probably a good sign that, even if it's fun, it doesn't really need to be in your life (aside from the times when you play with close friends like you have talked about before).

I know a while ago, I was playing a little game online that I really liked, but I realized that it was giving me a high when I won and that it was ruining my mood when I lost. And I kept coming back to it whenever I was feeling upset or uncomfortable (it was becoming an addictive kind of medicine for me). Once I realized that, I deleted my bookmark to the site and decided not to play anymore. It's funny how these things that can feel so important and fun in the moment become things that you don't even miss when you quit.

Carry on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 23, 2019, 10:29:10 PM
Thanks blue, it's a sticky habit for me.  But I do keep coming to the same conclusion that it doesn't belong in my future.  Ahh but it feels so nice to zone out too.  Day 79 went well, busy at work, did studying and a walk.  Been feeling low energy the past few days.  From binging overwatch I suspect.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 24, 2019, 07:05:30 AM
Up in the morning and going to trying running instead of the bells.  I slept in and this will be faster.  Might try doing the weight training in the evening and running in the morning.  Happy Tuesday everyone!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 24, 2019, 07:04:39 PM
Zoning out does feel so nice. I know exactly what you mean.

But I think that's what makes this whole recovery process so hard. We have to learn to reject things that feel good. Porn feels good. Masturbation feels good. Zoning out feels good. It doesn't take any effort to give up things that cause us pain, but it takes a lot to learn how to give up things that, even though they are literally destroying our lives, do give us some benefit.

It's really easy to let things stick around because they feel good. But I bet in the long term we won't even miss them once we get rid of them.

Hope it was a good Tuesday. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 24, 2019, 09:53:23 PM
Day 80 - 9/24/19: 10:30pm

Today I ran in the morning instead of doing the bells and it was really nice.  I'm definitely noticing improved fitness and it makes all the exercising more enjoyable.  At work my boss was being really rude and jerkish.  I try to make the most of things and I like my company but my supervisor is a bully and it's not a great environment.  I feel if I find a more encouraging team that wants me to succeed my career will really take off.  I like working and I work hard, it's just annoying working under shit managers all the time.  When I'm a manager someday, I will be sure to communicate more with my team and work on building a culture of trust, integrity and achievement. 

Did a walk in the afternoon instead of getting into an argument so that was smart.  Went on a run after work, and got pizza with my roommate, that was awesome.  Yesterday and today well before my lesson I got all my homework done.  It felt great!  I had one of the best Korean lessons to date, really starting to make progress.   

To be honest I am not being too hard on myself for gaming.  I've had a few binges in the past few weeks but nothing like before.  And I'm making progress in all my goals: Korean, Doing better at my job, Fitness/weight loss, and blogging (on here).  Also I've been very social and have sone a fair bit of traveling.  I will continue to improve and grow out of the habit and make more friends that aren't gamers.  But if it takes some time, that's fine.  I do believe it's something I am starting to grow out of.  Just tonight I was playing with a friend and I stopped at 10:30 because I knew I wanted to workout in the morning.  And I remember how I cannot do that when I stay up too late, especially on the computer.  And I like my 20 minute workouts in the morning a lot.  Sets my whole day up right.  These are habits that took a long long time to build but now they are starting to gain momentum and I'm experiencing positive results.

 The tortoise continues onwards!

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on September 25, 2019, 02:35:53 AM
Congrats Squid!
You're making a great progress and overcome this shit with all the stress in your job. It requires manage anxiety very well.
Very positive results doing exercise and korean…
Keep going man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on September 25, 2019, 03:31:33 AM
Keep going man you are an inspiration for me .i am at day 8,
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 25, 2019, 07:03:27 AM
Thanks everyone for the replies, hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 25, 2019, 08:20:44 PM
Sounds like you're doing pretty well!

The tortoise might not get there very fast, but he's going to get there! Direction is so much more important than speed.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on September 25, 2019, 11:15:31 PM
Sounds like you're doing pretty well!

The tortoise might not get there very fast, but he's going to get there! Direction is so much more important than speed.
yes you are right .
Now i am only looking towards my goal. i am not worried about how many resistance are there.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 26, 2019, 04:55:55 PM
Day 82 - 9/26/19: 5:30pm

When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Yesterday I was hit by intense urges.  Not really to pmo but more to express but I know that they could have morphed into pmo urges.  I had had a long day at work and played on the computer for 5 hours straight after work.  That's a big trigger for me.  So there I was really tired but restless and kind of shaky with nervous energy.  I went into the bathroom but left my phone outside.  I turned the feeling into a session of play and exploration.  I m'd for about 15 minutes without any fantasy, just focusing on sensation, feeling, and maintaining a strong erection.  And just wow.  At the beginning of the reboot I couldn't really get hard at all.  You'll remember just a few weeks ago I couldn't get it up in front of a woman for the first time.

But yesterday, it was very strong with light touch.  It gives me some peace of mind and more confidence as I get back in tune with my sexuality.  Also I've been doing online dating again messaging a few women.  So yeah turned a potentially dangerous situation into a win.  :)  And the next morning even though I went to bed late I ran 2.3 miles anyway and then had a good day at work today.

After work I need a plan or I'll just play overwatch all night by default.
The plan for tonight:
Groceries
Dinner
Go to bike shop
tidy up a bit as I have company coming on Saturday
korean lesson
no screens after 10pm.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 26, 2019, 05:33:00 PM
When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Just awesome. Keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 26, 2019, 06:38:37 PM
When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Just awesome. Keep it going!

Thanks blue for the replies everyday, I look forward to them!  Keep doing great yourself!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on September 26, 2019, 10:58:28 PM
Its great. Keep going.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 26, 2019, 11:17:40 PM
Thanks do, hope you have an awesome tomorrow :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on September 26, 2019, 11:45:29 PM
Thanks do, hope you have an awesome tomorrow :)
Thanks.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 27, 2019, 07:10:18 PM
Thanks blue for the replies everyday, I look forward to them!  Keep doing great yourself!

You're welcome! Especially once your streak gets longer, it can seem like there's less to talk about and maybe things slow down on the forum for you. I know what a difference even the little replies make to me, so I want to make sure I give them to people too, even if things are just going quietly well.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 28, 2019, 02:52:03 AM
Mo'd twice today, after playing overwatch and other games on the computer and PlayStation directly after work until 4am.  Let the records show, the gaming enables the pmo and it all makes me feel just terrible.  Now I'm going to be tired tomorrow for my housewarming party.  I'm afraid that this will lead back to pmo.  The second mo was a super super fast o.  Just like I wanted the rush.  Ot reminded me of pmo even though I didn't think the thoughts.

Slippery slope, sliding a bit, but resolved to get back on track.  I just wanted you to know.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: brandnewself on September 28, 2019, 04:23:10 AM
Hey man just be careful not to bomb your head with too many thoughts. Plus mo without porn is ok, the problem with it is its chaser effect and it might give you a bad psychological cue. As long as you are clear with the bottom line ---- no porn, you will be fine. You will feel different tomorrow.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on September 28, 2019, 12:57:54 PM
Mo'd twice today, after playing overwatch and other games on the computer and PlayStation directly after work until 4am.  Let the records show, the gaming enables the pmo and it all makes me feel just terrible.  Now I'm going to be tired tomorrow for my housewarming party.  I'm afraid that this will lead back to pmo.  The second mo was a super super fast o.  Just like I wanted the rush.  Ot reminded me of pmo even though I didn't think the thoughts.

Slippery slope, sliding a bit, but resolved to get back on track.  I just wanted you to know.

-squid

You know, playing games up to 4 AM should make you feel tired. At least it would do for me. And feeling tired is a trigger for PMO in my case. However, you can't always avoid not being tired but you could definitely work on avoiding to make yourself tired deliberately. Probably you should pay some attention to this gaming habit. Anyway, even like this you didn't PMO, this is great. First of all, it's P that we're trying to leave behind and never watch. Just like the user above me said, MO is not bad in itself but the abuse is. The chaser effect is real and torturous. The potential to slip back to PMO exists. I don't like to trust my self-control blindly and say: "Don't worry, man, I got it", because I will eventually crack. Habits should be formed to facilitate a better chance to stay away from this. An army of people brainstorm everyday ideas about how to keep us hooked on those fucking gadgets. Only this alone makes me sick.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 28, 2019, 01:35:48 PM
Day 84 - 9/28/19: 2:30pm
Day's left of gaming break: 30

Thanks guys, I do feel better today.  I got my place all cleaned up and ready for my three friends to come over which will be awesome.  Yeah Lero I was super tired and that didn't help.  In response to what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks I will be taking a 30 day break from gaming.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 28, 2019, 05:49:39 PM
The housewarming party sounds like a great idea. I'm excited to hear how it goes.

I'll also be very interested to see how your 30 days without gaming go. It's a smart experiment.

Still rooting for you!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 28, 2019, 10:43:55 PM
The housewarming party sounds like a great idea. I'm excited to hear how it goes.

I'll also be very interested to see how your 30 days without gaming go. It's a smart experiment.

Still rooting for you!

Thanks blue!  It was a housewarming party and dungeons and dragons one off.  I started a series of one offs with five friends and just had the first one tonight.  It was really fun!  They got here around 3:30pm and we spent an hour or so getting characters ready then got dinner at a great bbq place near my house.  I got snacks at the store yesterday and they were a big hit.  After that we played the campaign until about 11pm.  We were laughing and joking the whole time.  Just real good clean fun. 

Plan for tomorrow:

Bike ride
Korean homework and lesson
maybe library
blog stuff



Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 29, 2019, 06:15:28 PM
Wow, that sounds awesome! Really glad it went well!

I always think about having people over and then always feel super overwhelmed by it and usually chicken out. I'm having a brunch next weekend, though, so send me some of your good party-hosting energy, lol!

Sounds like a good plan for tomorrow (today, I guess). Hope it went well, and have a great week!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 29, 2019, 08:15:30 PM
Wow, that sounds awesome! Really glad it went well!

I always think about having people over and then always feel super overwhelmed by it and usually chicken out. I'm having a brunch next weekend, though, so send me some of your good party-hosting energy, lol!

Sounds like a good plan for tomorrow (today, I guess). Hope it went well, and have a great week!

Thanks blue, just make sure you have some snack and drinks and have a good time :) 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on September 29, 2019, 08:25:10 PM
Day 85 - 9/29/19: 9:30pm
Days left of gaming break: 29

Today I cleaned up a bit and made brunch and watched some youtube.  Then I wanted to play some overwatch because that's the habit and typical for the situation.  But I'm on a break so that wasn't an option.  So I watched some youtube videos of other people gaming.  Then I was like, that's not really in the spirit of the break.

So then I looked at the plan I made last night.  It sounded like a good plan so I started on it.  Did some maintenance on my bike and then went on a short ride to the park where I did my Korean homework and then after that I did watch the grand finale of the overwatch league and that was very fun.  Now the seasons over. 

After that, I went on a long bike ride for a few hours and rode to a park overlooking the river and watched airplanes take off from the airport.  That was cool.

Then had a fantastic Korean lesson.  Since I've been doing my homework I was confident and it was really fun :)

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: brandnewself on September 29, 2019, 09:06:49 PM
Hey Squid, seems like you had a fun and productive day! It's a great decision on your part to stop watching youtube and start your plans. Usually once I start watching youtube there is no turning back...Prioritizing our plans is truly important. Keep going man ;)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on September 30, 2019, 09:24:39 PM
Good stuff! I like the way you caught yourself watching other people play the game you aren't playing. Not really in the spirit of things for sure. It made me laugh a little. I'm sure there are lots of times when I have tried to take a break from something but then done things that weren't really in the spirit of taking a break. That's a good catch.

Keep on going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on October 01, 2019, 07:25:14 AM
Good things, man. I definitely don't feel good when I am invested in those artificial things. Porn, video games, social media and all this bullshit. You will notice that you feel overall better if you spend more time outside plus doing some "normal" things that you enjoy. There are many things to do but of course they are not as stimulating as the artificial ones because they are created with keeping you hooked in mind. I don't know, do something else that doesn't involve screens. Fuck screens, pixels all that shit. Use them only when it's absolutely necessary like, for example, now it's necessary for me to use Internet to write here. But after this, I really have no use for Internet today. Peace.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 01, 2019, 10:56:23 AM
Day 87 - 10/1/19: 11:50am:
Days left of gaming break: 27

I went on a date last night!  It was cool, met her in the city and went to a German beer garden.  Hung out for two hours chatting.  She was very chatty.  It was nice but I wasn't very into her after meeting.  So I texted her the next day saying I wasn't interested in another date and she felt the same.  All part of the process.  I potentially have a different date tomorrow and two next week.  Squid's back in the ocean.

I've been getting morning wood again which has been really neat.  It has been so long but sure enough as you reboot the brain changes back to normal. I m'd a little in the shower today but it was pretty playful.

My friend I visited in Colorado is going to be in my city for a marathon qualify race in march and then the real deal is in October of next year.  I think I'm going to train and do it too.  I've always wanted to run a marathon.  I'm looking up training programs and stuff, let me know if you have any experience with them.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 01, 2019, 05:47:20 PM
Squid's back in the ocean.

I love it! Congrats on the date and congrats for taking it all in stride even though it didn't really go anywhere. It is all part of the process, and that's a great attitude to take. The more people you date, the more likely you are to find the right one, and running into a bunch of the wrong ones is just a part of it.

Congrats too on 3 days without gaming. It sounds like you're taking advantage of the extra time. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 01, 2019, 11:03:18 PM
Thanks blue, the gaming break has been very helpful so far.  An interesting thing happened.  I was trying to go to bed a bit early and had trouble falling asleep but was kind of half asleep and I started m'ing and there was no life down below.  But then I started to think of some ancient fantasy and everything sprung to life.  No p fantasies, pre p fantasies from when I was young.  Although if I'm being honest, little snapshots of p influence changed the fantasy slightly.  And it got me excited and so I went to the bathroom and mo'd. 

I had the thought that maybe I shouldn't right before I went to the bathroom but I don't know, my body definitely wanted to mo.  I feel like my brain and body is changing rapidly and it was very interesting to see pre p fantasies come up.  I think it's all a sign of something.  I do want to be careful about moing too frequently but I don't think I'm upset about this one.  It was just interesting.  I'm going to be careful about keeping fantasy to a minimum and make sure there is no p influence.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 02, 2019, 09:23:32 PM
Day 88 - 10/02/19: 10:30pm

Had trouble falling asleep so missed my morning workout but still got a walk in and bike ride after work.  Work was productive too.  Went to the library after work and did some homework and got books on how to run a marathon.  I am changing my fitness goals to running a marathon in October 2020.  That was it's more specific than just trying to workout more.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Lero on October 03, 2019, 03:57:42 AM
Good, Squid. Things are going well. How is the ocean?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 03, 2019, 07:17:35 AM
Hey Lero, it's good so far.  Met one girl this week but didn't vibe with her.  I'm potentially meeting three next week.  Besides MOing last night and the night before things are going very smooth.   
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: dusty on October 03, 2019, 08:57:28 AM
Great squid. I have one question, do you MO with fantasies?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 03, 2019, 10:26:32 AM
Hey dusty, normally no.  Have only the past two nights.  Not p fantasy but still fantasy.  It's odd but the past two days have been strong urgea to mo when I'm about to fall asleep.  I'm going to take at least a two week break from mo.  I'm aware I am near the 90 days and want to stay strong!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on October 03, 2019, 11:45:25 AM
Congrats on being close to the magic 90 and on the big plans that will make your life more fullfilled without a doubt. Running a marathon is definitely a big challenge, but just think of how you advanced at video games and then imagine putting the same time into your fitness - you will reach your goals easily!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 03, 2019, 05:19:33 PM
Dealing with an addiction I can handle, but running a marathon? That seems like too much, lol

For real, though, that's awesome that you have such a specific and ambitious goal. Good luck with all the training! (And keep up the steady progress to day 90)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 03, 2019, 06:53:09 PM
Day 89 - 10/3/19: 8pm
Days left of gaming break: 25


Thanks for the support everyone, you warm my heart.  Just leaving an industry networking event and it was really fun, got lots free food and drinks.  On my way to a korean lesson.  I've been very tired the last few days.  Focusing on making a plan for my goals and what to do post 90 and have been reading four books on marathon running.  Halfway through one of them since yesterday.  Met a bunch.of cool people yesterday.  Hey everyone wants to make more friends and connections, not so bad once you walk up smile and say hello.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on October 03, 2019, 11:08:40 PM
Congratulations lero. One day left to hit 90 days.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 04, 2019, 08:04:05 PM
Sounds like an awesome day!

Keep it going, just one more!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 04, 2019, 11:33:10 PM
Day 90 - 10/4/19: 11:59pm

I did it :).  Finally after so many attempts I thought it was impossible, I have completed a 90 day reboot.  During the next 10 days I will continue to post daily on here as I come up with a plan for the next chapter.  Thank you for all your support, this fourm has been a game changer for me :)

Today unfortunately I got sick.  Lots of co-workers have had something similar, I think it's a cold.  I had to cancel my weekend camping trip which sucks.  But it was the right call, I don't feel very well.  Today I played overwatch with my friends and I'm okay with that since I wasn't feeling well.  I will  just subtract today from the gaming break timer and get back on track tomorrow.

Stay free my friends,

because it is worth it.


-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on October 05, 2019, 04:05:23 AM
Congratulations
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Free-man on October 05, 2019, 07:29:52 AM
Congratulations Squid!!!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 05, 2019, 08:10:57 PM
Day 90 - 10/4/19: 11:59pm

I did it :).  Finally after so many attempts I thought it was impossible, I have completed a 90 day reboot.  During the next 10 days I will continue to post daily on here as I come up with a plan for the next chapter.  Thank you for all your support, this fourm has been a game changer for me :)

Stay free my friends,

because it is worth it.


Woohoo! Huge congratulations on reaching the goal! I definitely support making a plan for the next phase. As I'm sure you know, 90 days is a strong start, but it's hardly the end of your journey! Just keep it going!

It definitely is worth it, so glad you're experiencing it!

Keep on killing it, man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on October 05, 2019, 08:19:55 PM
This hudge success motivated me and others here. Now keep the goal of 121 days. You can do it.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 06, 2019, 09:19:32 PM
Things have been very challenging the past week.  Every night I've mo'd once.  But beyond that, I've been sick all weekend and binged videogames all weekend as well.  I had a wonderful trip planned but because of me being sick, I had to skip it.  But instead of resting I stayed up until 4 on Friday night and 5am on Saturday night.  It's just crazy.  Once I get started, I get very focused and my mind enters another plan and the hours fly by.

But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I believe that if I focus more on what I want and feed my mind with the right fuel, I can become anything I want and have most anything too.  I've experienced this when I backpacked 2,200 miles consequently and also when I did my reboot.

Let's simplify:

Goal 1, physical: Run the Marine Corps Marathon Oct 2020
This week: (following a popular half marathon novice training program)
Monday Rest
Tuesday 3 mile run
Wednesday 2 mile
Thursday 3 mile
Friday Rest
Saturday 30 minutes of biking on Canal
Sunday 4 mile
*try to get roommate to come and run immediately after work

Goal 2, mental: Reach TOPIK level 5 in korean by Spring 2021 and be accepted into Korean Graduate Program
Monday 8 pages of homework
Tuesday 1 hour lesson
Wednesday homework
Thursday 1 hour lesson
Friday Rest
Saturday write 4 sentence instagram post in korean
Sunday Skype with another korean language learner and soeak for five minutes or more in Korean



Goal 3, career: Job in Marketing Analytics at an Ad Agency starting Feb-April 2020
Monday Do half of resume updating and follow.messages from last week Networking event.
Tuesday Do other half of resume updating
Wednesday Schedule meeting with college career center
Thursday update linkedin
Friday Rest
Saturday Rest
Sunday Rest
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on October 06, 2019, 11:29:39 PM
Squid you can reach your all goals. You can do it brother. All the best.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 07, 2019, 08:44:41 PM
But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I don't want to minimize your feelings of frustration (I feel them with myself all the time), but you can't help getting sick! I know not everything you said is just because you were sick, but sometimes it's really important to slow down and be less productive (rest and recovery are essential). Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto you, but I always get frustrated at having to accomplish less, even if it's for really good reasons (like being sick or having to help someone unexpectedly or something).

But, as long as you're being kind to yourself, I totally support a new set of goals (or a new way of thinking about them). I think doing things like limiting screen time is admirable and smart. And focusing on physical, mental, and career goals is really good too. You've got a good plan, stick with it and keep going.

But also, you mentioned MO, and I don't know for sure how you feel about it, but I know that, for me, it's all part of the same addiction and coping mechanism. Definitely work hard, but don't wear yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself. It's possible that if you're finding yourself stuck in an MO rut it's a sign that something needs your attention and care. Slow down and take care of yourself if you need do, don't just hide it with MO.

Onward and upward!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 07, 2019, 10:19:18 PM
But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I don't want to minimize your feelings of frustration (I feel them with myself all the time), but you can't help getting sick! I know not everything you said is just because you were sick, but sometimes it's really important to slow down and be less productive (rest and recovery are essential). Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto you, but I always get frustrated at having to accomplish less, even if it's for really good reasons (like being sick or having to help someone unexpectedly or something).

But, as long as you're being kind to yourself, I totally support a new set of goals (or a new way of thinking about them). I think doing things like limiting screen time is admirable and smart. And focusing on physical, mental, and career goals is really good too. You've got a good plan, stick with it and keep going.

But also, you mentioned MO, and I don't know for sure how you feel about it, but I know that, for me, it's all part of the same addiction and coping mechanism. Definitely work hard, but don't wear yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself. It's possible that if you're finding yourself stuck in an MO rut it's a sign that something needs your attention and care. Slow down and take care of yourself if you need do, don't just hide it with MO.

Onward and upward!

Yo blue I agree with you sort of.  It's not the lack of progress in my goals that's frustrating.  It's the living like a degenerate numbing myself in a digital way while my youth and energy gets older by the day.  It's a feeling of frustration because it has happened many time.  However, after my reboot the lows aren't as low.  It's not my goal to mo but I prefer it to pmo for sure.  It's been a challenging week but I am moving forward.

I focus on the goal to have something positive to think about.  But the overarching story is one of self forgiveness, connection, family, future, and love.

I'm not frustrated I got sick or that I relaxed.  Because I didn't relax.  That would have been helpful.  Instead I binged games until the early hours of the morning, that was frustrating.  Gaming and pmo are bot relaxing at all, they are stressful and hyper and numbing.  They are like a fire hydrant, once you take the lid off, it's very difficult to get it back on without getting blow away

Thanks for your posts.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 08, 2019, 06:49:55 PM
That makes a lot of sense! Sounds like I was mostly projecting my own feelings of frustration on you a little, lol.

Hope you're feeling better all around!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 09, 2019, 10:58:10 PM
Still swimming along.  Training started Tuesday, done two days of it.  It's been great so far.  Meeting a woman Friday night and a different one Saturday for brunch.  Hopefully one doesn't cancel haha.  Works been okay, I've been taking an online course and doing well but the team environment just sucks and it brothers me.  I don't know what to do really, I'd prefer to try and improve things before leaving but that's not really possible.  People have to want to change.  Although I continue to improve what I can.  I MO'd yesterday, I've been getting hit really hard right before bed, that's a new one. 


Still p and pmo free, which is great and has had a huge positive impact.  Still gaming but no binges since last weekend.  Korean is going very well.  Been a good week so far.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 10, 2019, 05:23:28 PM
Just keep swimming!

As for the frustrations with people at work, I remember reading a long time ago that people who are recovering from addiction can often get frustrated with the other people in their lives. The reason, I guess, is that we are making huge, fundamental changes to our lives and it seems like everyone else is staying the same. We have realized that we need to be better people, so why does everyone else seem to be so content being pretty lousy? That's not to say your team environment isn't genuinely bad, but I have definitely felt similar frustrations. I don't know what it was that woke us up and made us want to try to live better, and I don't know why it doesn't hit everyone.

Also, being aware of the pattern of getting hit hard right before is an important thing to catch early. On some level, addictions are about habits and routines. If the triggers are happening at a specific time of day, be careful about reinforcing them with behaviors. If our addicted brains get what they want when they want it, it gets progressively harder and harder to say no to them.

Onward and upward!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 10, 2019, 06:52:25 PM
Just keep swimming!

As for the frustrations with people at work, I remember reading a long time ago that people who are recovering from addiction can often get frustrated with the other people in their lives. The reason, I guess, is that we are making huge, fundamental changes to our lives and it seems like everyone else is staying the same. We have realized that we need to be better people, so why does everyone else seem to be so content being pretty lousy? That's not to say your team environment isn't genuinely bad, but I have definitely felt similar frustrations. I don't know what it was that woke us up and made us want to try to live better, and I don't know why it doesn't hit everyone.

Also, being aware of the pattern of getting hit hard right before is an important thing to catch early. On some level, addictions are about habits and routines. If the triggers are happening at a specific time of day, be careful about reinforcing them with behaviors. If our addicted brains get what they want when they want it, it gets progressively harder and harder to say no to them.

Onward and upward!

Thanks blue, good thoughts.  I'm still swimming!  Say that you posted on enders and robs journals.  It's crazy how people post a ton and then have one slip up or two and then disappear. 


To my fear,

I am moving forward.  I have my teeth sunk in on my dreams and values like a junkyard dog and will not let go.  I'm in this thing through winter, spring, summer, and fall.  I am an iron peg driven into the cold hard ground.  I am so stubborn I actually believe I can learn Korean, get in a top Graduate school abroad, run a marathon and date a beautiful lady who loves the outdoors as much as myself.  I will succeed and in doing so set an example for future generations. 

I hiked across America with 30 pounds on my back for six months straight, living in the mountains in a tent.  You ain't shit.  Every sun creates a shadow.  My art and passion is my sun and you're just a shadow.  Stay behind and fall in line.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 11, 2019, 05:33:00 PM
Yeah, I'm coming up on being around here for almost a year, and it's been sad to see people come and go. I don't know, thought I'd let them know we're thinking about them still if they decide to come back.

But it's really encouraging that you're still swimming. That's what really counts in all this. Persistence and consistency. No matter how imperfectly we go along, we're only done for when we give up and quit trying. Still swimming is still succeeding.

And that's a great letter to your fear. I wrote a breakup letter to porn a long while ago. I don't really remember what I said, but I remember feeling like it was time to put an end to a bad relationship.

I didn't say "Stay behind and fall in line," though, but I should have. That's an awesome line!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 11, 2019, 06:10:35 PM
Yeah, I'm coming up on being around here for almost a year, and it's been sad to see people come and go. I don't know, thought I'd let them know we're thinking about them still if they decide to come back.

But it's really encouraging that you're still swimming. That's what really counts in all this. Persistence and consistency. No matter how imperfectly we go along, we're only done for when we give up and quit trying. Still swimming is still succeeding.

And that's a great letter to your fear. I wrote a breakup letter to porn a long while ago. I don't really remember what I said, but I remember feeling like it was time to put an end to a bad relationship.

I didn't say "Stay behind and fall in line," though, but I should have. That's an awesome line!

Yeah I am starting to realize my own fear, internal dialogue, and again, fear, drive my habit of getting lost in other worlds.  This world needs us, don't be scared homie.  I'm on my way to a date :) wish me luck, this one feels promising.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 12, 2019, 05:24:50 PM
Hey squid,

I want to welcome you, even though you've here for a while now. I've tried a new approach that didn't worked for me in the end so I will be more present here.

I wanted to tell you that it's good to have goal it make what we do a little bit easier like a lighthouse that shows us the way. From the begining of your journal up to this point, you have already improved! It is visible and that you may slip(ie. video game binging) like we all did at some point, but if you keep swimming and push yourself you can be free for sure.

Sport is my favorite activity and it's awesome that you've choosen that as one way to help you getting out of that addiction!

I wish you the best and stay strong :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 12, 2019, 05:49:13 PM
This world needs us, don't be scared homie. 

Thanks for saying this. It kind of hit me just now in a really good way. The world does need us, and I feel like I have started to see glimmers of how I might be able to make a positive difference. I'll do my best not to be scared if you will!

Oh, and GOOD LUCK on your date! That's awesome that you're getting out there. Go show her what a good guy you are. I hope it's a great time for you both!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 12, 2019, 10:32:12 PM
Thanks everyone, the date went very well and I'm seeing her again next weekend.  Today I binged overwatch and MO'd twice.  The pattern is starting to come back.  Without the p but still the same loop of gaming then moing then back to binging. 

Whenever I sit down to study for create my brain freaks out so bad until I get number playing games for a while. 

That being said, I did rally and completed my training bike ride for tje day and, did a bit of homework and call my family.  So there were some good moments for sure.  Idk guys I just want to be free.  I have been before, I have been in spurts but making it a lifestyle is challenging. 

Tomorrow I'm volunteering at a boat show so that will be nice :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 13, 2019, 10:27:58 AM
You're more than welcome :)

Whenever I sit down to study for create my brain freaks out so bad until I get number playing games for a while. 

One thing that helped me is that I was going to study in a public area. That way I couldn't do anything quickly, so it was giving me plenty of time to stop myself. So unless you have a portable gaming PC you should be good in a library or some place like that! It really helped me, you can try it!

About the sports becoming a lifestyle, I can tell you what helped me to reach that point. I made for myself some short term goals and some long term ones. The goals that I have are hard to get now, to keep me motivated, but hen I started they were easy enough to be reachable. Reachable but still hard to have a real sensation of accomplishment. You can try to put goals that you can reach before you lose motivation to train and try to push that boundary everytime a little bit. Eventually, it will ingrain in you as an habit and it will be your lifestyle!

That's what I did and it really helped me at the begining of my fitness journey.

Best of regards and a nice day to everyone
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 13, 2019, 05:44:15 PM
That's super awesome that the date went well and that there's another one on the way! Way to go! That's a big win.

It's good that you're recognizing a new pattern setting in. For a long time, I was stuck in a pattern of edging with porn substitutes, and I was convincing myself that I was making progress because I wasn't PMOing. While it was true that I was staying away from straight-up porn, I was not really keeping myself clean from addiction. Realizing that I was just trading one form of addiction for another was a wake-up call for me and helped me to rethink my plans and priorities.

So, the fact that you're noticing a new pattern of binge-gaming and MOing is a good sign that you're paying attention. Definitely don't let this pattern grow deep roots. Rebooter's idea of studying somewhere else is a good one. Maybe you just need to rearrange your study space or move your desk or something so that the same cues and triggers aren't there. You'll be able to find what works for you as you stay committed to freeing yourself from addiction in all its forms.

You've got this!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 13, 2019, 10:10:48 PM
Thanks guys I hear you.  What I'd like to do is 30 days of no fap and a 90 days full reboot of replacing gaming and mindless internet browsing with dream weaving.  I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull that off.  Let's find out.

Day 0 of replacing gaming and google news with dream weaving:
Deleted the games again and stopped procrastinating getting ready for work.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 14, 2019, 08:29:50 PM
Sounds like a good goal! Deleting the games sounds like the right call. It can be a tough thing to do (I know I have had second thoughts before about deleting games, but I honestly don't miss them now that time has passed).

Keep on keepin' on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 14, 2019, 09:24:05 PM
Day 1 of no fap
Day 1 of no gaming and staying on purpose
Day 100 of no pmo or p

I did read the news on my phone a little but I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater on here.  I've been texting the girl, A, non stop since we went on our first date.  We have plans to see a holloween show this Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it.  Also tomorrow I work from home and I really want to be more focused.  It's my second work from home and the first one went okay but I hope to eventually work from home full time in a few years so I want to build good habits.

Do you all have any work or doing homework at home tips to stay focused all day?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on October 15, 2019, 02:03:07 AM
Make a plan to be topper of class. Make schedule that define every hour of your day. Use every minute for your goal.
This way you be focused and you don't have time to think negatively.
Always keep yourself busy.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 15, 2019, 07:46:14 AM
Make a plan to be topper of class. Make schedule that define every hour of your day. Use every minute for your goal.
This way you be focused and you don't have time to think negatively.
Always keep yourself busy.

Thanks do, that's a great idea.  Keep focused!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 15, 2019, 11:10:11 AM
Hey squid, you look you have a good plan to get your life sorted and improves the way you it to be!

I may have a small tip for you something that work for me in the past! I give myself some challenges and think of it as a game! Sounds stupid, but it work! When you start thinking about something you want to accomplish in a game before stopping that's how you end up sinking hours and hours in the game without drinking, eating, peeing, etc... if you keep the same mindset, but switch it from game to work you'll be productive to the extreme!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 15, 2019, 06:27:54 PM
Sounds like some good stuff, especially the growing connection you have with this girl. I'm excited that you're doing something fun with her this weekend!

As for working from home, I do know one thing that has worked really well for me (but I'm usually not disciplined enough to do it...only during finals when I'm really feeling overwhelmed by work). I think I've heard it called the Pomodoro technique, but it basically means setting a timer for a certain period of work followed by a short break, and then you repeat it until you're done. So, for example, I set a timer for 50 minutes and just work and then take a 15 minute break (to respond to text messages, watch a video, stretch, get a snack, etc.). And I repeat this cycle for as long as I need to (usually with a longer break after the 3rd cycle). When I don't set a timer, I usually just aimlessly switch between "work" tasks and "break" tasks and usually spend more time off task than being productive. But, when I set that timer and know that I have 15 guaranteed minutes of break coming up, it helps me to stay focused for the time that I'm working.

It 100% gets me through finals every semester, and I could probably accomplish really amazing things if I did it during the regular school year, but I always forget to/don't feel as pressured to do it. Either way, I'd recommend it!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 15, 2019, 07:45:11 PM
Day 2 of no fap
Day 2 of no gaming

Thanks for the ideas everyone.  I did okay working from home but I could have definitely been more productive.  Discovered something troubling.  My boss asked me to find some information in her files so I went in there and discovered a performance plan draft with my name and position on it!  A performance plan is something companies give you to give you a chance to improve before they fire you. 

This was a surprise to me because I think I've been doing a good job and covering for my boss a ton, and that's the thanks I'll get?  :/
So I made a plan, it's two part.  1.  I am going to get out in front of things and really buckle down for the next month or two.  I have been coasting a bit, time to peddle again.  2.  I'm getting the hell out, going to call my college career center and a recruiter tomorrow along with updating my job search documents.  I'm done working that lady.  What an asshole.  But I'm going to do it right and turn it into a better job.


I've been texting that girl a ton, I've only met her once but feel like I've known her a long time.  We are now meeting tomorrow in addition to Saturday :).

Did my first run with the local running club and I went fast.  Felt super good and I look forward to making more friends.  Lots of people my age are in that group. 

Korean I need to study more but without gaming I have time tonight and on the train to get it done.  Called my family today too, theu are very supportive :)

Thanks to your support too fellas.

Stay free my friends,

-your friendly neighborhood marathon running, korean speaking, world traveling squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 15, 2019, 07:52:00 PM
I was reading through a few posts after I wrote mine.  Here's a shout out to all of us who keep moving forward!  You all are awesome. Tremendous progress on these journals on the past few months, we are building some cool momentum!!

And if you haven't posted yet, give it try, we are very welcoming.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 15, 2019, 09:27:45 PM
I'm sorry for that stupid boss of yours, I've had that at my current job and actually ended up in a place where I don't want to be! So, I know what it is. I think you have a nice plan to get rid of this job for a better one and I hope the best for you!

As for the girl, it seems to be going well and that I'm happy for you. Add that the no gaming and fapping part and that some good progress right there.

Running is so good when you get people to run with. It's a good meditation when you do it alone, but when you have people it so... I don't know... boosting!

Stay on the path my friend :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 15, 2019, 11:11:29 PM
Thanks rebooter!  Hope you have a great night
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 16, 2019, 06:43:38 PM
Yeah, really annoyed at your boss too. But you're right to just work hard and set yourself up to move to something better. Who needs all that? There are better things ahead.

Definitely sounds like you're building some great momentum in a lot of different areas of life. That's really exciting! Just keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 16, 2019, 09:33:33 PM
Thanks Blue, yeah when I don't fap or game it's like life is way more easier and natural and rewarding.  That reward circuit is very relevant.

Went out with the girl again tonight on our second date and it was so natural dude.  I feel a really strong connection for only two dates.  We kissed goodnight afterwards too which was beautiful.


I really like her but I'm nervous in the back of my mind about if we go to have sex and I can't perform or get hard.  I'm trying not to worry about it.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 17, 2019, 06:46:52 PM
Congrats on a beautiful goodnight kiss! Beautiful is a great word: real life and romance are full of beauty. Porn is just about consumption.

It's so much more easily said than done, but try to leave the worrying aside. There's no rush, and you're in the process of healing both mind and body. Everything will work out in time if you just keep moving forward with recovery. (Just don't fall into the trap that other guys have of trying to "test things out" with a little P or M! It's not the same thing, and it's not a good way to test your real-life progress.)

Keep on living for a beautiful life!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: faenoe on October 17, 2019, 07:07:17 PM
Hey squid

It seems like there have been some bitter moments and some sweet moments this past week with your boss and with this girl. Don't let the emotions get to you or make you do something you'll regret! No matter what happens, you can have the victory of staying free.

Take care and keep up the good work. You got this
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 18, 2019, 11:17:20 AM
Day 4 of no fap
Day 4 of no gaming and staying on purpose
Day 104 of no pmo or p

It's been a good couple days.  I've been on track with my running program and with Korean so that's fantastic.  It took me a while to get a schedule that works but my current one is good so in another 20 days or so it will be a habit and will get even better. 

Work wise I'm focusing hard on being cheerful and positive and doing whatever they want while I search intensely for a better company.  Got a call with a headhunter on Monday.

I'm seeing the girl again tomorrow and I'm super excited.  We are going to a Halloween show, should be a blast.  Thanks for the words of encouragement Blue and Faenoe I am healing still and have come a long way in the past three months.  I will continue along the path because it is working.

This weekend is my first since and the no gaming or MOing.  Weekends are danger zones for binging so I need a plan.  Saturday I'm volunteering taking people with disabilities sailing and see the girl Saturday night.  Sunday I want to do some work on a book project and my website and job searching.  I want to get brunch with my friend and then do those things at the library.  Tonight I'm going to go out with my friend and his friend who is visiting.

The no gaming and MOing has had a profound effect in just these four days, I feel a ton better and am able to focus more easily on activities I love.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 18, 2019, 05:53:34 PM
This is great: you know that the weekend is a dangerous time, so you're going in with a plan. It sounds like a good plan, too.

Stick with it and go have an awesome weekend!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: I GET TO on October 19, 2019, 02:26:15 AM
Just read your day one vs where you are now. Really cool journey man. I recently quit gaming. It's definitely hard but its a huge life changer.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on October 19, 2019, 03:45:40 AM
You're doing great in every aspect, impressive to see the variety of your activities. Best of luck finding a better job and also best of luck with the girl today! Don't put pressure on yourself and try not to focus on performing when it comes to sex, if it doesn't work the first time, it will work next time and if you really connect to her she won't put any pressure on you and be patient.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 19, 2019, 06:08:22 AM
Just read your day one vs where you are now. Really cool journey man. I recently quit gaming. It's definitely hard but its a huge life changer.

Thanks I Get To,
It's been challenging and I had to be patient and confront it after I had success in my reboot.  I couldn't do both at the same time.  But now I'm getting a bit of progress and I do feel better. 

Achilles,
Thanks for the words of encouragement.  You're right it's not about preforming at all.  It's about connection.

Blue,
The plan is working so far!  It's a great weekend :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 19, 2019, 08:13:00 PM
That's awesome all the things you're doing! As for gaming, I decided to stop gaming as well with only exception of 2 games that will come out in around 6 months. Otherwise, I just don't play anymore. It's mainly a waste of time.

Connection is vital! Honestly, that's the main reason why dancing is so fun! The connection with the girls are awesome! You don't have a good connection with every girls, but when you do it's an amazing experience! I think you're right to search a good connection. When you think that way, you don't care as much if it end up with sex or not.

I hope you'll have a good sunday :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 19, 2019, 08:51:46 PM
Blue,
The plan is working so far!  It's a great weekend :)

Thrilled to hear it! Keep going strong!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on October 21, 2019, 04:43:53 PM
Hey Squid,

Apologies for my long absence. I've had periods of deep struggle and haven't felt strong enough to comment on others' journals.

It looks like you're doing really well!

Congratulations on making it 104 days with no PMO or P. That's big stuff! Also, the job search sounds encouraging.

As for a friendly neighbourhood marathon-running, Korean-speaking, world-travelling squid... that's also big stuff! Having 8 legs must help with the running! ;P

Peace,
Adventurer
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 21, 2019, 10:58:47 PM
Day 7 of no fap
Day 1 of no gaming except when playing with one of my real life friends on a game that's not overwatch. 
Day 107 of no pmo or p

It's been going super good dudes. I'll write more tomorrow.  I have been on four dates with the girl so far, we really like each other :).  I gamed on Sunday but it was an old game I installed to play with a friend for an hour in the evening.  I did get drawn in and played an hour alone before he got online but it's not like overwatch and gets boring by yourself after an hour or so.   I'll reset the counter but it wasn't like my binges at all.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 22, 2019, 07:13:27 PM
Super glad to hear that you're doing well and that things are going well with the girl! Very exciting stuff.

And even if you're resetting your gaming counter, it sounds like you're still thinking clearly and purposefully about it, so it's all progress regardless of what the number says.

Keep it going! You're doing great!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 22, 2019, 10:41:53 PM
Thanks blue, this girl is something special.  I'm feeling really good about it.  Currently in another state that I flew to on a business trip.  The host company took me out to a fancy steak house and ot was crazy expensive and delicious.  Like well over $1000, crazy.  As soon as I start looking for another job the perks of my current one start rolling in lol.  I have my performance review in November, not sure how that's going to go.  I was very honest on my self reflection and alluded to everyone's defeatist attitude being a problem.  Either way, I'm feeling very good and am excited to network out here on the trip, some cool people in my industry.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on October 23, 2019, 11:35:38 AM
Sounds cool dude! How old are you actually?
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 23, 2019, 04:52:17 PM
This is awesome man! I'm really happy for you! Let's hope it will continue along those line or even better! As for your gaming counter I think you make progress each time you're not binge gaming! You teach your brain self-control! Gaming's not the same as P. It activate the same circuit, but you're not destroying yourself if you play with moderation.

Stay Strong and keep progressing! You're doing great :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 27, 2019, 12:20:42 PM
All is well guys, completed my training trip and am enjoying a quiet Sunday.  Saturday I ran my first race, a 5k and did it in 26:04 which I'm happy with.  Hung out with my friend who is moving soon all day and even drove two hours away to see a play my sister designed at her college.  I'm very proud of her!

No fap is going strong, no gaming has turned into no binge gaming and that's been going well too.  No p or pmo is going strong as well.  Me and the girl are really falling for each other quickly.  It's really beautiful, I message her all the time.  I am going to see her a lot this week :)


Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 27, 2019, 06:50:42 PM
Man, all of what you said is so happy and inspiring! It put me in a better mood just seeing it.

Huge congratulations on the good progress you're making. Just keep doing what you have been doing to get to this point. As things get better, your brain might try to convince you that it's okay to let some things slide. Don't listen! Careful living has gotten you this far, and it will continue to take you even further. You're doing great, so keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: brandnewself on October 27, 2019, 09:18:20 PM
Great news Squid, having someone in your life is just GREAT! Keep moving forward! I hope to hear more good news from you ;)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on October 27, 2019, 10:05:16 PM
Great to hear the news, squid! It sounds like you're really living life to the fullest right now!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 27, 2019, 11:03:07 PM
Thanks guys, you make me smile :).  Lots of good progress in these journals of ours over the past few months.  Very proud of everyone! 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 29, 2019, 05:58:17 PM
It's time to revisit some goals and plans.  I want to lay things out to help me really start to confront some of these fears and old habits of hiding. 

Goal 1 Korean:
Currently I do my one hour tutor session twice a week.  To improve, O need to practice what I learn in my lessons somehow.  The obstacle is that when I think about studying by brain suddenly wants to do anything but and usually distracts though video games or playing on my phone or by eating.

Goal 2 Lose 20 pounds
I eat too much and am way too sedentary.  Haven't always been that way, just a year ago I was extremely fit.  But I also had a clear goal and a community also being fit around me.  I don't have that right now.  The challenge is I eat without thinking and sit most of the day.

Goal 3 Invest for retirement and budget monthly

I have done this in the past and know what to do but after my lay off I've put it off and all my money on retirement is in no growth default stuff from after my 401k roll over.  Just dumb, I should move it.

Goal 4 Continue to volunteer and take trips on weekends
This one is going great and I'm dating now too :).

Ahh my train ride is done.  To be continued.  Any ideas you have that might help me achieve these, let me know.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 29, 2019, 06:58:40 PM
I have been listening to the book Atomic Habits by James Clear, and it has had some really interesting ideas in it. One is that we should focus more on systems than results (instead of saying I'm going to lose weight, I should make a plan for when and how I will exercise and what I will eat and develop better habits that will cause me to lose weight). The other is that we need to get our reps in (building a habit of doing something for 5 minutes a day is better for changing habits than doing it for four hours once a month).

Some things are probably just things you need to set aside a little bit of time to just do, like fixing your retirement account. For other things, it might be helpful to start thinking more about the habits you want to build than the results you want to achieve. Not that results aren't important, they definitely are. But you need good habits to be in place if you want to actually achieve the results. At least, that's what the book says, and I'm sort of convinced it's true. 1% improvement every day adds up to a huge change after a month or a year.

Keep doing awesome things! You're definitely on track, and it's great that you're still fine-tuning and challenging yourself. Complacency is the enemy of recovery, I think.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on October 30, 2019, 06:36:05 PM
Tomorrow I am or can go to if I do this today

Tomorrow I can study for three years in Korea for free if I apply to the GKS scholarship today

Tomorrow I can have a strong healthy body if I eat less and move more today.

Tomorrow I can work for a company that appreciates and encourages me if I apply to new opportunities today.

Tomorrow I can speak to my true fans if I post to my blog today.

Tomorrow I can go to my friend's wedding in Scotland if I buy my ticket today.

Tomorrow I can retire with dignity if I invest 15% today. 







Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 31, 2019, 08:47:20 PM
Tomorrow, you can do everything you need to do, "just for today."

Everything past tomorrow can only happen if you do the little things that matter today. Take your good perspective and carry yourself into the future, one day at a time!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on November 01, 2019, 12:13:24 AM
I second what Blue said. Great to have all these goals, just make sure you're not over-burdening your mind and getting perfectionistic about things. Just stay relaxed and you'll doing the things needed and be killing it every day, never mind about tomorrow.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 02, 2019, 09:55:09 PM
Thanks everyone!  Work has been a nightmare recently and is going to get worse as they took away my work from home, changed their minds about me learning about graphic design and are ramping up the dumbest part of my position.  And they can tell I don't care anymore.  I really should be trying to keep them happy but I also want them to know that I don't like working there.  Got a call with a recruiter Monday and a career center visit Friday so hopefully that helps.  Work, It's taking a lot of my energy and really bothers me but I am trying to not think about it in my off time.  I already decided I need to leave, why dwell on it?

My relationship with the girl has been going fantastic.  We haven't had sex yet and I'm still nervous about ED and DE but I just try to remember I am connecting not performing.  She is really awesome and makes me happy :). 

No fap, no pmo are both going well.  I started playing overwatch again yesterday but no binges so that's good.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on November 02, 2019, 11:35:37 PM
With regards to work, the more you realise about yourself the more you will attract the type of work you want, even if you don't know what you want yet. It may seem esoteric, but it is what I have experienced.

Fantastic news about the girl!!! Sometimes life requires us to focus on different areas of our lives for a time, often areas that we haven't given enough attention to.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 03, 2019, 08:09:19 PM
I'm glad you're still marching forward! It's a bummer to hear that work has been so tough lately, but it sounds like you're taking the right steps to find something better. Rooting for you!

It's also great to hear that things are moving forward in an awesome way with this girl. That's exciting stuff!

You're making good progress, so just keep pushing forward, stay consistent, and trust that the things that really matter will work out. They will! We all know how porn had negative effects on all areas of our life, so just think of how getting that garbage out of your life will lead to improvements all around.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on November 03, 2019, 09:11:52 PM
I sorry to hear that it's going so bad at your work! I have the same thing happenning at mine so I can empatize! Try to find something as soon as you can it's not good for your health to be in an environment like that.

On the other hand, it's good that with the girl it's going so well! More than hapoy to hear that. You don't need to rush, like you said connect with her.

Your progress are awesome to see, keep going squid :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 06, 2019, 07:02:14 PM
Pmo free day 122:
no fap, not sure which day but still going well.
Gaming much less, no binges


Don't have time to write all fancy tonight ahaha, need to get to the gym   Dating going super well with this girl.
Work confusing, and not a great environment, but I've been trying more and that's been satisfying.  I need to keep working hard while I'm there.
Just started a new lifting program that I'm excited about and I have been doing my Korean lessons but feel like I need a better routine.

With the girl I was upfront that I wanted to go slow and had not had much sex.  She was cool with it.  We have been getting more serious and I do want to sleep with her but I think I'm in a flatline.  She turns me on but everything down below doesn't feel much these days regardless of the stimulation.  I'm hoping exercising more will help, generally being more active. 

I'd really like to avoid going to sleep with her for the first time and having a limp noodle.  That is a really rough situation.  I like her so much and I don't want PIED or PE to get in the way.  I just want to be normal bros

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 06, 2019, 08:18:38 PM
No need to write fancy: you're making good progress!

It's also normal and understandable to feel worried about how things will go with the girl, but I don't think you have anything to worry about. We think there's a rush (I usually do), but there isn't. If it's going to work out, it's going to work out even (maybe especially) if it takes a little longer than we expected.

Absolutely nothing wrong with going slow and building a solid relationship first. Besides, we all understand that fast gratification isn't the way to go. If we thought that, we would all still be PMOing all the time.

So just carry on. Be good to yourself and be good to her. There's no deadline, just the rest of your awesome life!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on November 09, 2019, 09:07:46 PM
Hey squid, I second Blue. I sometime feel in a rush too, but you need to remind yourself that we are hurted animals(brainwise obviously) and it take time to heal.we can't rush it. Take it as slow as your brain need it to be and you'll be fine!

Take care bro :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 10, 2019, 09:48:23 PM
Took off work Friday, saw a career counselor, went hiking for 6 miles, saw a great friend.  Saturday volunteered making kits for homeless shelter, went to an art show with the girl, asked her to be my girlfriend, she happily said yes.  Stayed at her place Saturday night and although we haven't had sex yet we did other sexual things and I was able to get an errection not problem.  And was able to keep it for as long as I wanted.  Just being around her and snuggling a ton I was hard constantly hahaha.  We went to brunch this morning and then I played games with my best friend back home.

Now for work tomorrow I need to backpedal and convince them that I like working there.  Because I got great info from the career counselor that a good job search takes 6-9 months and I want to stay employed during that time.  Also lots of organizations don't want to improve and just want to not rock the boat.  Not a good fit for me but I need to be a professional and not let it affect my work while I search for new work.

No pmo, no fap and no solo gaming binges are going strong!

Stay free my friends,

squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 11, 2019, 09:44:00 PM
Sounds like you're moving right along in a lot of ways, and that's awesome!

Not much to say other than keep doing what you're doing. It seems to be working!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 18, 2019, 08:59:15 AM
Day 135 of no pmo


Things with the girlfriend are going well.  I took her hiking last weekend and she did great and really enjoyed it.  We tried to have sex on Friday and I did get hard without too much trouble but as soon as I got the condom on I got soft fast.  I think it was too tight, I'm going try another kind.  She was fine with it and has been very understanding.  I told her the other girl never talked to me again after that happened but she said it didn't bother her and that she was my girlfriend.  We like each other a lot.

I played a lot of overwatch yesterday but I planned to, just wanted to relax.  This week I am going to the gym Monday Weds Friday.  Running Tuesday and Thursday, working on a volunteer project and studying Korean.  I took a two week break from my lessons.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on November 18, 2019, 09:31:24 AM
135 Days, nice! Congrats sounds like things are going really well, keep up the good work.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 18, 2019, 09:31:47 PM
Yeah, this is a great report!

Congratulations on 135 days clean! And congratulations on moving from "the girl" to "the girlfriend"! That's exciting, and it's good that she's supportive and understanding.

It looks like a good week ahead. Just keep living your life. With pmo out of the equation, it's so much easier to do!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 19, 2019, 12:03:00 AM
Thanks blue and quit, now I'm thinking about telling her about the reboot and my problem.  Idk though even how to explain it.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 19, 2019, 06:02:42 PM
I'm really sorry to say that I can't help you there. I have spent a lot of time imagining how I would try to explain my history of addiction and recovery to a significant other, but I have never done it.

For me, it seems like one of the scariest but also most necessary things that I will probably do when I find a relationship that is going to last.

From what other people around here have said, women generally aren't surprised to find out that porn has been a part of men's lives. They are surprised (and happy) to find out when a man is making a conscious decision to stay away from it. Maybe, really, there isn't much to explain. Just share your story if you think it's important to do. If she's the right kind of person, she will appreciate your willingness to trust her with that kind of vulnerability. But, again, it's all theoretical for me.

Rooting for you, man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 25, 2019, 12:40:25 PM
142 days

Things are going very well. Haven't had any urges in a long time and I haven't had any recent PIED with the gf ever since that incident with the too small condom.  PSA: look at a condom sizing chart before you buy, if it's too tight it's very uncomfortable and hard to stay hard. 

The gf has been very open about past things and I feel like talking about how I used to pmo a lot, didn't like how it was affecting me, and how I stopped will actually go over well. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 25, 2019, 09:27:34 PM
Congrats on 142!

Yeah, if  your girlfriend has been open, then I don't think there should be too much to worry about when it comes to being open yourself. If anything, it shows that she values openness and sees it as a way of connecting. (It's all theoretical to me still, but it might actually be a really positive thing to share your more personal side with her.)

Keep on going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on November 25, 2019, 10:37:33 PM
Massive congrats man! Great job. Sounds like things are going really well.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Do or die on November 27, 2019, 05:06:57 AM
Congratulations on your great success.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on November 27, 2019, 09:26:12 PM
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  You inspire me everyday.  While others sleep, we toil in the night, and as if by magic, the next morning, we are much further along then when we began.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on November 27, 2019, 11:59:33 PM
Thanks bro! happy thanksgiving to you too. Man, like the way you put that. Each day we get through tomorrow we wake up further along. That's something to be grateful for tomorrow
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Rebooter2019 on November 28, 2019, 03:49:21 PM
Damn, I know ut's a little late, but I'm really happy for you about your new gf and your 145 days!! I'm truly happy that it went well for you and you did had good times with her! With all the work you've put in to improve yourself, you deserve it.

Keep at it, my friend :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 28, 2019, 07:19:24 PM
Thanks, squid! You put it really well, even sleeping is work on recovery (how many nights of sleep did I lose to binges?)

I'm grateful you've shared your journey with us! Keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 02, 2019, 09:48:07 PM
Day 149:
40.8% of 2019 with no pmo :)


I've been feeling a lot of conviction about two things.  My recent poor work ethic at work and my vast amount of time gaming.  If I could, I would dedicate set areas of time to make progress on my dreams.  I haven't been making any progress on Korean or the blog but my relationship and the fitness have been going well.  Without giving up the gaming I don't think I have enough time or focus to make my plan happen.  If it doesn't work out that's something I can accept.  But if the dream doesn't happen because I am spending all my free time hiding in overwatch to appease my internal resistance.  Well, I'm not okay with that. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on December 02, 2019, 09:57:53 PM
Man congrats on the a solid 2018.

I definitely support your idea of cutting out the video games, man those things are time vampires. Glad you mentioned it, because I have been sacrificing a lot of time to my own time vampires (watching not even so entertaining videos). For me it's like, I can do that stuff for hours and it feels like the time just disappeared, no gratification after, just time gone.

Cutting that stuff can be so gratifying, so much awesome shit out there to do.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 03, 2019, 10:17:25 AM
Man congrats on the a solid 2018.

I definitely support your idea of cutting out the video games, man those things are time vampires. Glad you mentioned it, because I have been sacrificing a lot of time to my own time vampires (watching not even so entertaining videos). For me it's like, I can do that stuff for hours and it feels like the time just disappeared, no gratification after, just time gone.

Cutting that stuff can be so gratifying, so much awesome shit out there to do.


Running to Korea day 1

Time vampires, that's a great name for it.  Yeah it's different when I play with my old friends for a few hours on a weekend after I've gotten what I need to do done.  That's fun.  But when the vampire takes the resources I need to make magic happen and I'm playing alone to zone out, that's scary. 

This weekend was the first one in a while I didn't have plans with other people.  Instead I made a plan to look for jobs and do a volunteer project.  But Friday night I played games and that rolled into Saturday and that into Sunday.  At the end of the weekend I only did like 20 minutes of work on the project and no work on job searching.  And near the end of the weekend I did my old pmo habit of playing for hours and then getting energy from mo'ing.  I didn't pmo, I mo'd thinking about my gf.  But still the habit was too close to old monster when connected to the gaming binges and that scares me.


On the whole I'm doing very well.  But I know starting the process of moving away from the gaming is an important next step.  The gaming binges were always connected to pmo for me but I couldn't leave both at once.  But now that I have pmo on the run, I can turn ba to the gaming. 

I'm am initiating a 90 day reboot of solo gaming and gaming over three hours in one day.  But I'm going to title it differently, I'm going to call it, running to Korea.  Because that time will enable me to train for my marathon and study for going to Korea for Graduate School.

Go chase the dream,

squid

Day
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 03, 2019, 06:25:19 PM
I really like the idea of calling it Running to Korea. It's memorable and motivating!

I definitely think you're right to want to cut down on those time vampires, and I think you can really do it.

One other thing to think about is just finding a small amount of time each day to work on a goal. Even without time vampires, it can be hard to fit in the things you want to do because there are so many things you have to do. At least, my goals and dreams are always getting pushed out of the way by the things that I'm required to do regularly.

For me, one of these dreams/hobbies that I have really wanted to do was to write more. I used to write a lot, but life just got busy and I never had time for it anymore. That really got me down since I never had time to do what I wanted to do. But I made a little change and decided that I would take just 5-10 minutes to write every day before I post here. I used to feel like I had to wait until I had lots of time to work on a writing project, but that time never came. Now, I have managed to do a little bit of writing every day for 35 days, maybe not that much each day and not as much as I wish I could do. But, I have managed to write so much more in the last month than I have in the past two years put together.

This is a long way of saying small things add up over time. Don't sweat it if you can't find an hour a day to work on something. Maybe 15 minutes will do the trick, at least while you build the habit. Then you can grow from there.

Keep on running!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 04, 2019, 12:10:27 AM
Running to Korea day 1.

Good day today, work wasn't too bad, got to chat with my roommate, took a bath, and finally sat down and did a ton of work on this volunteer book project.  I need to get this done and then I can focus on studying.  This should be mostly done by Thursday though.  Didn't do any solo gaming besides a few minutes on a mobile game in the bathroom haha.  After work I normally binge overwatch but today I chatted with my roommate who said he only sees me when I take a break from overwatch.  Also I heated up dinner, set up a tablet I bought and did the bath and then worked on the project.  It was great!  Did I run or study Korean?  Nope but I am laying the ground work.  Tomorrow I workout with the gf :)

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 04, 2019, 12:12:36 AM
I really like the idea of calling it Running to Korea. It's memorable and motivating!

I definitely think you're right to want to cut down on those time vampires, and I think you can really do it.

One other thing to think about is just finding a small amount of time each day to work on a goal. Even without time vampires, it can be hard to fit in the things you want to do because there are so many things you have to do. At least, my goals and dreams are always getting pushed out of the way by the things that I'm required to do regularly.

For me, one of these dreams/hobbies that I have really wanted to do was to write more. I used to write a lot, but life just got busy and I never had time for it anymore. That really got me down since I never had time to do what I wanted to do. But I made a little change and decided that I would take just 5-10 minutes to write every day before I post here. I used to feel like I had to wait until I had lots of time to work on a writing project, but that time never came. Now, I have managed to do a little bit of writing every day for 35 days, maybe not that much each day and not as much as I wish I could do. But, I have managed to write so much more in the last month than I have in the past two years put together.

This is a long way of saying small things add up over time. Don't sweat it if you can't find an hour a day to work on something. Maybe 15 minutes will do the trick, at least while you build the habit. Then you can grow from there.

Keep on running!

Thanks for your thoughts, I think your idea is a good one.  Step by step we'll walk 1,000 miles.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 04, 2019, 10:22:10 PM
Running to Korea day 1.

Good day today, work wasn't too bad, got to chat with my roommate, took a bath, and finally sat down and did a ton of work on this volunteer book project.  I need to get this done and then I can focus on studying.  This should be mostly done by Thursday though.  Didn't do any solo gaming besides a few minutes on a mobile game in the bathroom haha.  After work I normally binge overwatch but today I chatted with my roommate who said he only sees me when I take a break from overwatch.  Also I heated up dinner, set up a tablet I bought and did the bath and then worked on the project.  It was great!  Did I run or study Korean?  Nope but I am laying the ground work.  Tomorrow I workout with the gf :)

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Hey, even if you didn't quite do everything you wanted to do, this definitely sounds like a better kind of day. Keep laying the groundwork, one consistent step at a time!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 07, 2019, 05:18:53 PM
Hey all, this week got rough.  I had a weird pain and went to the hospital and it took all day to be seen.  They didn't find anything wrong so that was weird.  Then after I played a bunch of solo games and was not very productive over the past two day.  I'm xutting myself some slack because of the circumstances and am starting fresh on the run to korea on Monday.  This weekend I'm hanging out with the gf :). 

I got a different size condom and did some light m to try it out and wow it's incredible how I can now get hard without porn or fantasy.  It's worth the effort.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 07, 2019, 07:54:20 PM
Hey, sorry to hear about your medical trouble. No shame in taking it a little easier, though. That seems like the right thing to do.

Stay strong and keep on going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 20, 2019, 12:54:13 AM
166 days/
3984 hours/
45.48% of 2019
PMO free :) 

The relationship is going beautifully.  She is such a lovely person and we have gone on tons of awesome dates together.  Just did our first weekend away today and it was pure bliss. 


I want to talk a moment on the sexual performance side of the reboot because that used to cause a huge amount of stress for me.
The good news is things improve a ton pretty quickly.  I can get hard now with light touch.  PEID happens occasionally but much less, DE happened once and PE is improving.  My errections aren't rock hard all the time but they are getting better and do the job which is the important thing.

 I now have regular successful sex with someone I really really like.  What a profound improvement from where I was five and a half months ago.  There were literally times in the past where I thought I would always be stuck and would never get to experience making love and being in a meaningful relationship.  Don't listen to those thoughts my friends.  Being on the other side is so worth it.  Don't give up hope, you can make it.  You can do it. 

My gaming habit is still going strong and is something I want to work on.  The health scare and other things got in the way as soon as I launched running to korea so I am relaunching!  It is very simple.  With as much professionalism and artistry as I can muster, I am stopping all solo gaming and gaming with friends more than 5 hours a week.  The games I play are all adventure, rpgs, strategy, and full of exploration, teamwork and goal achieving. 

So I need to fill that need with something real.  I replaced pmo with a relationship because what I wanted all along was a relationship but I was too scared and pmo became a shadow relationship.  Never what I wanted.  So when I channeled that energy to something really fulfilling, it helped a ton with cravings.

So I'm running to Korea.  But, unlike all my other attempts to learn Korea, I am not going to do it alone.  I'm building a team.  This weekend I have time set aside to prep, get some notebooks, study and prepare for my lesson on Sunday night. Monday I'll write the first blog post.  I think it should be in korean.  maybe one in English and one in korean


Running to Korea is me
1. learning to communicate in korean
2. blogging my journey and staying connected to a community
3. Training my body to run a marathon in October 2020.


I'm waking up.  The world needs us my friends.  Answer the call.

Stay free

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 20, 2019, 01:45:24 PM
Plan for tonight

I'm feeling very tired because I stayed up late reading journals and getting inspired.  So the first thing tonight is to take a nap.  After that I want to lift and study for 15 minutes.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on December 20, 2019, 05:43:16 PM
WOW! Massive congrats man and really appreciate you sharing that about going from it feeling almost hopeless to having a real relationship and sex with someone you really like! Thats really inspiring for me and I can't wait to get there myself!

I think that is an apt analogy comparing video games replacing something better, in the real world (real teamwork REAL adventure) just like porn replaced something better (real relationship). I think it's great to aim to replace the video games as well. I think porn is a much much bigger problem, so you already got the biggest win working at the moment! But it's very good to use that habit of improvement and keep the momentum going to make your life even better.

Great ideas about video games, ad doing things with teams in the real world.... I think being part of a time is very very powerful and can be tons of fun. Things like sports, studying together whatever real life hobbies. Just a great idea.

Glad to hear the health scare was nothing serious.
Keep going strong man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 20, 2019, 11:38:11 PM
I'm really happy to hear you're feeling good and moving forward! That's really great!

It can be tough to work on too many things at once. Nothing wrong with your gaming habit still going strong when you were working on so many other things. But now that other things (like your relationship) are stabilizing, I think it's a good idea to turn more attention to it. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

Those look like 3 great, manageable goals for moving forward. Keep being awesome!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: achilles heel on December 21, 2019, 05:09:42 AM
Awesome news, you already made such a big progress and I'm sure you will reach your remaining long-term goals too! Keep being an inspiration!  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 21, 2019, 12:20:44 PM
Thanks for the support everyone, you are all doing well too and that makes me happy.  Last night normally I'd shut myself in my room and play but I did not.  I went to the gym and afterwards my roommate and two of his friends surprised me and came over and we had a great Friday night at a local place playing board games and drinking beer!  Really fun.  When the old habit is off the table, ot opens up the world to new unexpected possibilities. 

Today I got much needed rest and I'm watching an awesome new show and am going to take a bath then do some yoga.  Plans for today are to go outside on a walk or bike ride and to study for 30 minutes.  Bonus activity is to clean up my apartment!  Have a great weekend!

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 22, 2019, 12:18:08 AM
When the old habit is off the table, ot opens up the world to new unexpected possibilities. 

This is an awesome point. There are the obvious possibilities of just having more time to do different things, but there are also the possibilities that come from having a new way of facing the world. It's awesome that you're making progress and finding time to do new things with friends. We're making good progress, and it's only the beginning. Just imagine what's ahead for us as we keep going.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 23, 2019, 12:19:32 AM
Hello!

Saturday I got lots of rest and instead of gaming, watched a new Netflix show and then went on a two hour bike ride and hike while listening to an audiobook.  That evening I played for 4-5 hours with my friend back home.

That triggered me to play solo today for a few hours but even so, I got my workout in and had a really fantastic Korean lesson after taking 3 weeks off.

When I study Korean, even if only for 5 minutes a day, it makes my lesson really fun.  If I don't put in the prep, the lessons are very uncomfortable.  I'm trying to change how I think about studying, I want to love doing it.  A real adventure will take place if I get it down.

I used to play an mmorpg game as a kid.  I played a lot.  It required a lot of grinding to get new skills and items.  But I didn't mind at all, it was exciting to do even mundane tasks like mining or woodcutting with the anticipation of what that would allow in the future.  The rules were clear.  I was at level 30 and needed to get to level 40 in order to equip this sword so that I can go out and have fun with my friends in the wild.

Using that same metaphor, currently my mindset for studying looks like this:  I have studied for a while, so I might be a beginner or a beginner intermediate, I don't know.  I don't have a journal or record of when I study, I just do it when I think of it.  If I can learn the language, I can have great experiences abroad and at home by connecting with new people in a new way.  I want to be able to have basic conversations and reach topik level 4 and apply for a scholarship but I also want to see if there are other options.  So I need to study a lot, I think, I don't know how much.


Hmmm obviously with that mindset, studying will require immense effort.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: k-fff on December 23, 2019, 04:06:30 AM
Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 23, 2019, 10:50:02 AM
Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.

Wow that's awesome!  Thanks for the encouragement kf.  Do you have any advice on studying asian languages? 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 24, 2019, 12:48:13 AM
Running to Korea.

Today I did play solo games, for about three hours.  In fact I was only successful in not playing them on Saturday.  I had a wonderful day Saturday and got to do a bike ride and read a book instead of the games.  I did have a good day today though, a small Christmas gift exchange with a friend, a good dinner, a small hike at lunch.  Did not run or study Korean.

This is not easy, it's okay, I've conquered much worse than this. 

Why? 
To understand a new culture
To feel fit again like I was a year ago
To feel daily progress in a goal, what I love about games but in real life
To be awake

Back on the horse.  Focus.  Running to Korea.  I can do it.  Watch me run.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 24, 2019, 01:06:13 AM
Back at it, you've got it!

Like with recovery, growth in all goals isn't linear. You're still on track if you're trying, adjusting, and improving.

Keep on running!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: k-fff on December 24, 2019, 03:47:50 AM
Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.

Wow that's awesome!  Thanks for the encouragement kf.  Do you have any advice on studying asian languages?

If you were learning Chinese, I could give you more pointers. Korean is a bit easier than Chinese. I would develop your pronunciation as much as you can meaning say the word out loud when learning it. Also, learn the context of when a word is used. In Chinese, certain words are used only in certain contexts so learning phrases is the fastest way to learn.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 30, 2019, 01:15:50 AM
48.22% of 2019 pmo free :)

The previous plan of focusing on not solo gaming and putting more time to running to korea was ineffective.  In fact, it caused me to solo game more than before starting the plan.  So the new plan is less structured and more intention based.  I am going to write about, think about, and talk about what I want, not about what I don't want.  You feel me?

 I intend to run a marathon in October 2020 and pass the topik level 5 korean proficiency test in 2021. And in-between I intend to live my life on purpose according to my values. 

Today I was successful.  Got lots of sleep, came back home from my parents' house, chatted with the girlfriend went shopping, cleaned up, and had a fantastic workout.

Because of poor weather, I haven't been running much the past month.  BUT!  I have been lifting consistently for eight weeks!!!!  I'm really starting to feel stronger.  That's going to help with the running a ton.  My Korean lesson is Tuesday evening and I have off Tuesday so I am going to use that time to study up!

stay free my friends,

-squid

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 30, 2019, 01:27:45 AM
48.22% of 2019 pmo free :)

The previous plan of focusing on not solo gaming and putting more time to running to korea was ineffective.  In fact, it caused me to solo game more than before starting the plan.  So the new plan is less structured and more intention based.  I am going to write about, think about, and talk about what I want, not about what I don't want.  You feel me?

Congrats, man! That's a sweet statistic!

I also definitely get the intention vs structure thing. I think that's a great plan. I'm very good at creating very strict and elaborate structures for myself that end up suffocating the real goal because it becomes a chore. That's the last thing you want to do.

Sounds like a lot of good stuff. Just keep doing what you're doing!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on December 30, 2019, 01:20:46 PM
Thanks blue!  Yeah I'm excited for the new approach.  Tonight I'm going out with my gf and I have off Tuesday and Wednesday!  I'm going to clean my house and study on those days.  I was talking to a co-worker who mentioned that Buddhists clean their house before new years so that the spirits of their ancestors can come unimpeded on new year's to give blessings.  I like that thought :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on December 30, 2019, 11:40:43 PM
I really like that thought! It makes me glad that I cleaned my apartment before leaving town, lol!

Sounds like a good plan: enjoy the days off!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 01, 2020, 05:22:51 PM
Thanks blue!  What a great new years :).  Hosted some friends, spent two days at the gf's.  Went hiking with her and I told her how I used to watch a lot of porn, didn't like how it affected me and how it was difficult to stop and how I joined a fourm for support and hadn't watched it since July.  It came up naturally, I spoke my truth and  she said she doesn't like porn either.   I told her how I started losing my libido because of the porn and She then made the connection how that might be why I had trouble staying hard months ago because I was so used to porn.  Smart lady :).  I feel good telling her because now I have no secrets from her.  It was actually no big deal and she was supportive of me. 

There's a difference in being caught doing something in the dark and then enlisting the help of a significant other and continuously relapsing.  Compared to having some significant time under your belt and some positive confidence and momentum and just saying "hey, this is something difficult for me, I recognized that and decided to take steps and get support to correct this issue long before I met you, I have had tremendous success and am trending in the right direction and have peace in my heart."  Everyone has issues, but the key is to be aware and actively managing those issues.  She asked if she could read my journal and I said no haha.  I like having this journal as a sacred place between me and other people who've experienced this thing as well. 

Happy New years my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 02, 2020, 12:21:01 AM
Squid, this is an awesome and encouraging post. I'm really happy to hear about your experience talking about your addiction with your girlfriend.

What you said is right, especially that second paragraph, and I'm grateful to learn from your experience. I don't know when that day of talking about it with a significant other will come, but I'm less scared of it knowing how it went for you.

Keep being awesome, and happy new year!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 02, 2020, 01:08:37 AM
Thank you blue!  Hope you had a wonderful holiday. 

I reread the first page of my journal and the loop that plauged me that night that kicked off the reboot is still very present.  There's no pmo but the getting excited about goals, talking about them, not actually putting in time to work on them, because of fear of success, and playing overwatch instead to feel the dopamine I crave from meaningful accomplishment is still there.  The loop. 

The thing is, I really do want closure on these goals.  But I never spend any time on them and instead play games and procrastinate a lot. 

It's just not right, that I can easily do difficult tasks when commanded by an authority figure but I cannot follow my own commands to do emotional labor via the creation of art.

To be fair, I'm trying to do some scary things and I'm not made at myself for it.  The majority of people lives their whole lives in this land of excuses and distraction.

I'm not doing that anymore.

It's a new year, and I am taking down the loop.  Confronting resistance and creating art to better the world.

I'm making some new decisions that will benefit my life and the people I love.

I'm 99% there on both of these goals.  Everything is set up for me to win.  I just need to step up to the plate and start swinging.

Here we go!

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 02, 2020, 10:25:52 PM
Signed up for a local Korean language class.  It was inexpensive and only 10 minutes away from my house.  I'm excited!  I'll still do my online tutoring but this will be a great new experience where I won't be alone.  I'll be in a class! 

Work was good, made a great dinner, built a shoe rack and did some organizing.  Studied on the train and got 30 minutes in.  It's great because I'm going to be sitting there anyway haha.


Made dinner with the roommate, worked out and am going to my girlfriends for a late night visit.  What a great start to the year.  I feel really good guys :).  It's been a journey and it has had tremendous positive effects on my life.

-squid


Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 03, 2020, 12:17:32 AM
Awesome, awesome, awesome!

You're feeling good and doing well and still finding ways to refine and improve and move forward. That really helps: when you're stopped, you're moving backwards.

So keep pushing forward!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 06, 2020, 12:03:00 AM
Binge gaming has been more intense then I'd like.  I'm going to try a new idea for a week.  I will only play when when my personal to do list is done. And I will stop all electronics at 9pm and be on bed with the light out at 11pm. 

This small change should help a bunch.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Jeks on January 06, 2020, 04:04:49 AM
Sounds good, lets see how it works.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 06, 2020, 05:49:38 PM
Small changes accumulate over time, and this sounds like a good one to make.

Rooting for you, man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 07, 2020, 09:21:14 AM
The experiment worked really well last night, I got my studying done, made another draft of the volunteer project, some running gear prep, and tidied up before playing games.  I played for about 45 minutes and stopped at 9 like I planned.  Then sorted through some stuff I want to get rid of and talked to my gf on the phone.  Hopped in bed at 11 and had a wonderful nights sleep.  I'm going to do the same thing tonight!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 07, 2020, 09:41:43 PM
Sounds like a great success! Good habits start with one good day. Just keep it going!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 13, 2020, 04:48:45 PM
The experiment worked great and I want to continue those small but important habits. 

Something unexpected happened today.  I got laid off from my job.  So now I'm unemployed and need to adjust my daily routine to support a robust job search while not getting sucked into playing videogames and feeling sorry for myself.  As you know, having a sudden large amount of free time is potentially combustible.  So I will be posting here more regularly.  On the other hand, this time will  help me find a better job if I stay disciplined.

Today I did a little cleaning and relaxed, tomorrow I will come up with a plan! 

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 13, 2020, 09:18:24 PM
Lots of good decisions in that post:

Continuing small important habits is key to recovery. Being aware of the dangers of free time is important. Posting more regularly is good.

I also think there's a lot to be said for using today to clean and relax. Take a minute and catch your breath. Tomorrow is a great day to come up with a plan and get back to it.

I'm sorry to hear you got laid off, but I'm glad you're already thinking proactively about it. Better things are ahead!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 15, 2020, 11:48:13 PM
Going well so far.  Went to an in person interview this morning that went really well.  I've been cleaning my house, working out, running, and hanging out with my roommate and my gf.  This weekend I'm going on a vacation with some friends.

Stay free,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 16, 2020, 08:05:48 PM
All good stuff. Carry on!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 19, 2020, 10:30:32 AM
Going well.  I did the interview and sent my resume to another recruiter and now am on a long weekend vacation in the Caribbean sitting on a beautiful beach.  Life is good.  Turn negatives into positives.  Saw the McGregor fight last night, that was awesome!

Things with the gf are going fantastic :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 19, 2020, 08:10:32 PM
Hey, man! I'm happy to see more good news. Just keep chugging along like you are. And enjoy the Caribbean!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 19, 2020, 09:20:50 PM
I'm been doing some reflection by the sea.  Just watched a great interview by McGregor's head coach about how when they focused on discrete goals they ran into problems but when they instead focused on systems they were able to adapt and win.  It's very similar to what I'm learning in the atomic habit book.

As many of you know, I have my goal of running a marathon in October and I have a few racing leading up to that, the first one at the end of march.  My other goal is to speak korean and maybe go to school there. 

I'm changing that now.

Instead, I am going to make a series of habits that form a system that will allow me to be able to communicate in korean and run long distances. 

Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 20, 2020, 09:43:39 PM
That's awesome! I know I have definitely changed from setting goals to achieve specific things to instead set goals to develop new habits. I think it's a positive change.

Glad you're learning from Atomic Habits, too. I thought that was a very interesting book when I listened to it late last year.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 22, 2020, 11:37:28 AM
Thanks Blue, appreciate your replies!  I'm back from the island and am at family's for a day then I go back to my house and start job searching with more intensity.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 22, 2020, 09:24:24 PM
Nice, any time! Keep on truckin'!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: Non-Dual Adventurer on January 23, 2020, 02:07:00 PM
Yo Squid,

Sounds like you're morphing from a squid into a Kraken!

Congrats on the girlfriend, that is really great news! Also congrats on not getting down about being laid off and going on a nice, relaxing holiday. I hope you feel clear-headed now, and ready to tackle whatever challenges arise in the job search.

You know, you wanted to quit this job anyway, so it's probably for the best.

I have also had the same problem with condoms being too small. With some brands, you have to stretch the rubber band bit a little more before putting it on. That makes it less tight and also easier to roll down all the way to the base of the shaft. I'm using condoms at the moment with my wife and we are experimenting with different brands. I find the 'Skyn' brand to be the best one. They say it's 'the closest thing to wearing nothing'. I am far less sensitive when I use a different brand (I bought a huge variety pack so am slowly going through all of them). Happy bonking! :D
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 25, 2020, 12:05:58 AM
Thank you for the replies and the advice, I really appreciate it everyone!

Today I was sick.  Just watched the secret life of walter mitty.  It was the film that inspired two of my friends to thru hike.  I'm feeling deep feelings, a deep conviction that I am hiding my best work, my art, my passion.  And instead I work jobs where people tell me what to do and I spend my free time hiding by playing video games instead of doing what I want in real life.

I just want to acknowledge that feeling.  It's real and it's been causing internal conflict.  It's not about a specific goal.  It's about waking up each morning and contributing my art to the world. 

I can
and I
will
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on January 25, 2020, 02:21:58 PM
Sounds like a great insight you have. Keep that insight in the back of your head, that is the motivation, the why to make all of those little changes that will add up. It all starts with the small stuff, maybe instead of video games learning a new skill or taking the time to write out simple goals, and it'll all grow from there!

Plus you are doing amazing with your reboot! It all can grow from this, you made a major life change cutting out the P, so now you can just make additional changes.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 25, 2020, 08:40:07 PM
It's about waking up each morning and contributing my art to the world. 

Wow, yeah, this is a great insight! I haven't thought about it so succinctly, but I've started to have similar thoughts: what can I really contribute to the world and how can I make sure I don't get distracted from making that contribution?

You've given me something to think about. I hope you're feeling better soon!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 27, 2020, 04:48:37 PM
Feeling a lot better today.  Yesterday I got recognized for a volunteer project I completed and my gf, family and friends were there so that was really nice.   Today was the first day of the new job search routine.  Had a healthy breakfast, worked out, and then applied, networked and did phone screens for 3 hours in the afternoon :).  My Korean class at the college starts tomorrow too so that should be fun!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 27, 2020, 07:28:25 PM
Hey, that's all awesome news! Sounds like a great day. Keep adding up good days like that and you'll have a really solid life.

The way we live today is the way we live our lives. Just keep pressing forward to even better days!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 27, 2020, 11:28:18 PM
Thanks Blue!  I'm feeling that feeling again to take commit more to the things I love   So I am.  :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 29, 2020, 10:58:18 PM
I'm in love :).  How far I've come since 7 months ago.  Just wow, rebooting works.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: anonfromfinance on January 30, 2020, 09:38:40 AM
Hey I’ve just gotten back to this forum after years. I was ignoring my addiction for quite a long time and an experience recently gave me a bitter reminder that getting rid of this addiction has to be my top priority. I’m only a couple of days into No PMO but I started reading your posts from the very beginning haha. (Had to skip a bit) But man, I’ve got to say this. You are so inspiring !!

I like how you have definite set goals that you want to do and achieve. I am certainly taking inspiration from you and I’m so glad I stumbled upon your posts. I am so inspired to to continue with the No PMO program after reading your journal. You’ve completely changed my perspective.

Keep up the great work. I think you’re doing great man.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 30, 2020, 09:04:03 PM
Keep it up, man! It's awesome that you're doing well and feeling great! You're a great example of how your best effort plus time is key. It's not an overnight process, but it really works.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 31, 2020, 04:21:36 AM
Hey I’ve just gotten back to this forum after years. I was ignoring my addiction for quite a long time and an experience recently gave me a bitter reminder that getting rid of this addiction has to be my top priority. I’m only a couple of days into No PMO but I started reading your posts from the very beginning haha. (Had to skip a bit) But man, I’ve got to say this. You are so inspiring !!

I like how you have definite set goals that you want to do and achieve. I am certainly taking inspiration from you and I’m so glad I stumbled upon your posts. I am so inspired to to continue with the No PMO program after reading your journal. You’ve completely changed my perspective.

Keep up the great work. I think you’re doing great man.

Thanks man, happy to have you back on the fourm!  Looking forward to reading about your success in the future :)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on January 31, 2020, 04:27:19 AM
Keep it up, man! It's awesome that you're doing well and feeling great! You're a great example of how your best effort plus time is key. It's not an overnight process, but it really works.

Thanks Blue!  Yeah it's definitely a stepwise path.  I had a really great beginning of the week but today and tonight I slept in super late, and stayed up crazy late playing videogames.  I just zoned out hard.  To be honest I'm still feeling overwhelmed with not working and having to find a new job.  And that's normal and okay.  I do feel nervous about the volume of gaming I did today it's too much, not a habit I want to grow in this period of extra time.  I did good the last couple weeks, I just want to keep it in check.

But as zig ziglar would say, "tomorrow really is a brand new day, yesterday really did end last night".

stay free my friends,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 31, 2020, 06:57:22 PM
Exactly. Feeling bad about what went wrong today or yesterday is only useful if it motivates to make positive changes. If all we do is regret it and feel bad, it's not helping because we can't change the past, only the future.

So go make tomorrow a new and awesome day!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 01, 2020, 04:16:15 AM
Today was a better day.  I did my running exercises and ran a bit.  Had a great time with friends tonight and stayed up too late.  But it's Friday night so I'm bot as worried about it.  However, the later half of this week of playing videogames a ton, not leaving the house much and losing momentum is what happened during my last unemployment and I really don't want that to happen again.

Tomorrow the plan is to not play video games.  Tomorrow is a weekend, I don't need to be productive, but I want to break out of that habit loot.  No games just for tomorrow.  Let's see what other fun I can find!

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 01, 2020, 04:48:13 AM
*cue the music*

Dear Fear,

I'd like to bring up the elephant in the room. 
I run to videogames to hid from you.  Games have been a fun part of my life since I was a kid and I was often shamed by adults for playing them.  Somehow you latched on to this and make me feel as if I don't like playing games, like they are bad, and that there must be something wrong with me for playing them so much.

That's not true.  In fact, games are great fun.  But, only without the giant weight of hiding.  So here's the deal, I like playing computer games and I will  continue to do so.  However, I'm not longer going to act like it's a bad thing and most importantly, I'm going to use them to bring me closer to friends - not to hide away from the world. 

Another thing, I am going to be offered a fantastic job because I am a world-class candidate.  I am going to speak read and write Korean because I am a disciplined student.  I am going to run the Marine Corp marathon because I am a long distance runner.

Fear, each day I will wake up and it will be a great day!  I am going to do what I need to do, when I need to do it regardless of how you make me feel.  After that stuffs done, yeah I'll play some games, awesome! 

I'm going after inner peace.  I'm going after that small voice inside at the end of the day saying "what a great day, that was on purpose". 

What I want to do is well within my ability.  I have decided to move forward.  So fear, you can hem and holler like a puppy but it won't work, I'm not going to let you on the bed -the risk of pee is too high.  Instead I am going to train you to let me know if something is bothering you, I'll investigate, and you will go back to bed. 

Thank you,

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 01, 2020, 07:53:02 PM
Instead I am going to train you to let me know if something is bothering you, I'll investigate, and you will go back to bed. 

So much of this so awesome, but this really got me. I love that attitude toward fear.

I also love that you're looking for more balanced and sustainable approaches to life. Computer games aren't inherently bad, especially if they keep you connected to friends. It's all about motivation and control.

Moving forward in terms of behavior is good. Moving forward in terms of mindset and attitude is even more powerful, I think, and it sounds like you're taking some big steps forward in that department. Keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 04, 2020, 02:31:32 AM
It's been tough man, being unemployed.  I was very busy over the weekend and wanted to be productive today, but I wasn't. 

I stayed until 4:30am woke up at 1pm.  Ate a little, played overwatch and civ, and surfed the web on my phone.  Took a shower at 3pm, roommate came back around then and I felt a sense of shame in acting like such a bum.  It was beautiful outside and I wanted to go on a bike ride.

I put on my exercise clothes, and went to find my headphones.  Couldn't find them so went to play overwatch for a while.  A while turned into the rest of the day.  And then it was dark and I didn't go outside at all today.  Had leftovers for dinner, talked to my dad and my gf on the phone and with my roommate for a little.

But for the most part, 98% of my day, which had an entirely free schedule, was spent zoning out on overwatch.  The time just melted away.  I felt in control, I felt powerful, skilled and part of a team.

This has been a struggle for me man and reminds me of my last unemployment where I played tons of overwatch, hardly left the house and got really depressed.  The thing is I got everything going for me now and I have the knowledge and everything I need to get a job and spend a bit of time each day on running and Korean.  I'm not talking about anything ridiculous, I just want to make at least a little progress each day on those three things.

But when I sit down to play a little in the morning, suddenly the entire day has gone by, I feel drain, iritated, and deeply unhappy after playing like that.

Today I stopped at 2am so that was an improvement.  Ah you know man, I don't like playing games like this.  It's just not fun and makes me feels horrible.  It's hiding, not playing. 

Being numb is only nice until you wake up. 

So, I know I am going to go back what worked last week.  1.  Wake up, 2. Light fitness, 3. job stuff, 4. Korean.  BEFORE PLAYING. 

Here's an interesting observation, once I turn on the faucet of overwatch or to a lesser extent Netflix, google news and youtube, it does not end.  There is no break in the entertainment.  It was designed that way.  The only was to turn it off is choose to turn it off.  So whenever I start to play, I am going to write down when I am stopping.  And at that time I will stop. 

Tomorrow's a new day,

stay free my friends,

-squid

PS Thanks for the comment blue, I appreciate it!  I feel like going through this stuff now will be beneficial to my future.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 04, 2020, 03:00:44 AM
Been reading through some other journals on here and thinking about a video I saw about the Superbowl.  They talked about how the 49ers were timid even with a solid lead and how being scared of the opposing team cost them the game.  I think I've been too timid too.  This week's my week!  I am going to workout tomorrow, apply to jobs for a few hours, and study for 30 mins.  I'm going to make it.  I walked across America with 30 lbs on my back for 6 months straight living out of a tent.  I climb the equivalent of mount Everest in elevation 16 times in a row.  This shit doesn't have anything on me.  Easy.  Get er done. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 04, 2020, 05:51:45 PM
Today was better than yesterday.  I got off overwatch at 2am and did some journaling and fell asleep at 3am instead of 4 like yesterday.  I woke up at 11am instead of 1pm, and I went on a 30 minute walk with my roommate.  My gf could tell something has been off with me the past few days.  I think so too but I don't know what it is.  I think I'm very overwhelmed.

Got my korean class tonight so that will be good.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 04, 2020, 07:52:39 PM
Sorry about the lost day, but that happens. What's important is that you learn from it and move on, and it sounds like you're starting to.

I remember a few years back I was unemployed through the summer, and that was really rough. I was just home by myself all day every day, and it was really bad for my sense of well-being (and addiction). I finally had to make up reasons to leave the house every day just to get out, see the sun, and interact with other people. I was unemployed (so finances were tight), but I would go to a store I had never been to and just walk around or visit a walking trail or spend some time at a library. It maybe seemed a little silly to invent reasons to go out just to say I had, but I think that really turned things around for me that summer. So maybe especially because you don't have a clear reason to go anywhere, make a specific plan to go somewhere every day or something like that.

Having a clear schedule is important when I'm busy because it helps me stay on top of everything. It's important when I'm not busy because it keeps me from falling into the abyss of nothingness. It's easy to do, and it's totally understandable that you would just sort of zone out if nothing else is going on: you have to kill time somehow. But when it starts to get out of control, that's probably a good sign that it's time to be more deliberate and proactive with how you use time. At least, that's how it has been for me.

But before I ramble too long, it's good that you had a better day today. And I really like what you said about being timid. I think I definitely go the timid route more often than I really want to. I want to have faith in myself and believe that things will work out, but I have had a habit of chickening out and staying in my comfort zone instead of going for the gold. So thanks for giving me something good to think about!

Onward and upward, man!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 04, 2020, 09:34:04 PM
Thanks Blue!  Just made a plan for tomorrow.  To run, apply to jobs, and I'm visiting my PT for running exercises and seeing my gf.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 05, 2020, 02:55:41 PM
Today went better.  Still stayed up until 4 but woke up at 11:30 and dod my rehab exercises and then did my run.  Played games for three hours and am now going to see my PT.  Didn't do the job searching today but everything else I did so progress is happening!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 05, 2020, 03:33:41 PM
Did some reflecting today.  After I woke up and ran and had some food, I felt awesome.  When I think back to everything I did today, that activity makes me smile. 

After running, I feel strong and happy, and light, and full of energy.  It's easier to talk to people and I feel more like myself, nore able to express myself. 

Then, I feel that craving in my brain for games.  I sat down and played for three hours until I had to leave for my appointment.  While playing I did have fun but it was a weak fun caked in numbness, escapism, and fear.  After games, I felt weak, slow, lethargic, and had a slight headache.  It's harder to talk with people and I just feel awful.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 05, 2020, 09:20:48 PM
Did some reflecting today.  After I woke up and ran and had some food, I felt awesome.  When I think back to everything I did today, that activity makes me smile. 

While playing I did have fun but it was a weak fun caked in numbness, escapism, and fear.  After games, I felt weak, slow, lethargic, and had a slight headache.  It's harder to talk with people and I just feel awful.

This contrast is definitely something to pay attention to. It's like what you were saying to me about the difference between the empty craving of porn and the satisfaction of real connection.

Running and having food is a real accomplishment, and it made you feel awesome. Gaming for a long time probably gave you a lot of artificial achievement, but it left you empty. That's an important learning experience. Put  more time and energy into the things that fill you up. Don't run yourself empty on activities that don't actually refuel you.

On to another, better day!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 06, 2020, 12:00:06 PM
Thanks blue!  I just found out that my sister who I saw on Sunday had the flu and I might have it too   That would explain why I feel so out of it the past two day and completely drained of energy.  Had a wonderful night at the gf's :)  Things are going super well, she is a wonderful woman. 
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 06, 2020, 06:54:12 PM
I think I need a gaming reboot.  No gaming for 90 days to see how that feels.  After that time period, I might add back in light social gaming or maybe just transition hanging out with those friends to another activity.  But the gaming is a huge barrier to who I want to become.  Sitting that much makes it hard to run properly because I'm all tight and out of balance.  Gaming also makes it really hard to think clearly, it creates chatter in my brain and takes a ton of time.  All of those things are the opposite of learning a language and make it was harder.  I'm going to journal every day.

Reboot the game day 0

I'm nervous and wonder if I can even pull it off because I've been wanting to stop for a long time.  But I remind myself I thought the same thing about pmo for over ten years and look at me now :).  In a relationship I've only dreamed of and am very satisfied.

Wish me luck.

Korean lesson tonight :)

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 06, 2020, 07:44:12 PM
Good luck!

It may be obvious to ask, but are you keeping the games around during your reboot? Can you delete them/leave them at a friend's house or something? Getting some space from gaming will be a lot easier if you put them out of reach.

But I'm supportive of the gaming reboot. It has been a recurring thing for you to talk about how it's not helping you. Even if it's not porn or not even inherently bad, if it's holding you back, let it go.

Go get 'em! (And feel better soon!)
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 06, 2020, 08:00:46 PM
Thanks blue!  I do all my gaming on the computer so everything is just one download away and it's the same place I've been trying to job search which has been very triggering.  I do have a laptop in addition to the desktop, so my plan is to take it tomorrow to the library or a coffee shop for job applying.  I am deleting the games though.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 06, 2020, 11:06:03 PM
Did good the rest of the night.  Instead of gaming, I took a bath, read 30 pages of a novel, made a snack and talked with my gf for an hour on the phone.  Way better use of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to do job searching first after breakfast then workout.  Switching the order up, job needs to be first.
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 07, 2020, 06:04:30 PM
Reboot the game day 1:

Ended falling asleep around 2am and woke up at around noon.  I'm happy I slept a lot though because now I am feeling less sick.  Had breakfast and filed for my initial unemployment claim which is something I've been procrastinating for three weeks.  Sent a few messages out to my network watched some youtube and then did my rehab exercises.  Then went on a run with my roommate.  It went very well with much less pain.  The work with the PT is paying off already :).  Now I'm at the gym for a light lifting work out.

I'm noticing that not gaming gives me a ton of time but more importantly, it gives me mental space to make decisions instead of being on autopilot all day.

-squid
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 07, 2020, 08:21:51 PM
Sounds like a good day 1! Finding more time is awesome, but I think it's even more awesome that you're finding more mental space. I have noticed that I do so many things (playing games, watching videos, playing music) to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Some days, I go to bed feeling my head is stuffed full of nothing. I really do fell better when I give myself some mental space.

So keep it up!
Title: Re: squid's journal
Post by: squid on February 07, 2020, 09:33:36 PM
Thanks for your replies as always Blue!  Tonight after dinner I started watching supersize me 2, the documentary and I am really enjoying it.  Also went and got a haircut :). 

Even though watching a movie for instance is also entertainment like gaming, it's new material, not the same loop of playing the same game all day long.  Actually I think the biggest difference is that a movie has an end.  Games these days are games as a service, these do not end.  Every week or so the development team changes something or evolves the game to keep you playing instead of trying something else.  They are very easy to get stuck in, and your attention goes into the game.

Since your attention has been taken, tricked, stolen, you don't notice things.  You don't notice gaining 40 pounds, you don't notice you haven't talked to old friends in months, you don't notice the voice inside telling you your calling. 

How can the hero answer the call if he doesn't hear it?
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 07, 2020, 09:42:24 PM
I used to believe it was impossible.

It's not. 

It is worth it. 

Every single hour I treasure, all 5,184 of them. 

Pmo free:
216 days
Or 7 months, 1 day
18,662,400 seconds
311,040 minutes
5184 hours
216 days
30 weeks and 6 days
59.18% of a common year (365 days)
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 08, 2020, 03:59:49 PM
Reboot the game day 2

Bed around 2:30, had a great night and chatted with my roommate.  Woke up around 10:30, watched some youtube.  Had breakfast with roommate and his dad.  Then went on a 1.5 hour walk and called my dad, mom, sister and uncle.  It was nice catching up with everyone.  Came back and watched the opening game of the overwatch league which I really enjoyed.  Now I am going to do a quick kettlebell workout before getting ready to meet my gf's family for the first time :)

I've been enjoying trying new activities like watching movies, reading, and calling family instead of gaming.  My head feels more clear.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on February 08, 2020, 06:32:15 PM
Thats great man! Sounds like an awesome stack of healthy activities
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 08, 2020, 09:03:13 PM
Yeah, no kidding, it sounds like an awesome day of real life. One of the things that got me to quit social media was just spending a week without it. I had a great week, realized I didn't miss social media at all, and then deleted my accounts shortly after that. I'm not saying that this reboot will lead you to quit games forever, but I do hope you can have more days like this one to reinforce all the good there is in real life that gaming was pulling you away from.

Here's to a great day 3!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 08, 2020, 09:27:21 PM
Thanks everyone!!  I met my gf's mom and it was really nice.  All of the healthy activities I've done the past few days gave me extra confidence and I was more relaxed :)
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 09, 2020, 07:45:45 PM
Reboot the game day 3

Thanks for the support everyone, today went well.  I was feeling sick all day and watched a bunch of tv and YouTube but I'm okay with that.  Also saw my gf in the afternoon and had a wonderful time.  Now off to get pizza with my friend.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 11, 2020, 02:03:58 PM
Reboot the game day 4:

Couldn't post because reboot nation was down but what a great day.  Found a job I want to apply to and will apply today, did a light workout at the gym and went to my gf's place to keep her company because she got sick too and had to stay home.  I'm 100% happy with her, perfect woman for me :).  Brought her some flowers to cheer her up and it was a beautiful moment.

Also did my Korean lesson.  I did it at my gf's house because I forgot I made it Monday instead of my usual Thursday because of travel this week.  I've never done one where someone else could here and that made me nervous at first but after a few minutes it didn't bother me as much.  I get very shy when speaking Korean so it was good practice in that respect.

Also yesterday was the first day of my online language learning workshop that will last three months.  I'm paired up with a team and there are hundreds of other learners also participating so that's awesome. 

I'm pretty happy with my fitness progress considering my sickness over the past two weeks.  I've still been able to do some tho which is good.  Finally feeling better.  I do want to do more running though.  I have my rehab exercises and have learned a lot from my PT I want to practice and my 10 miler is in under two months :).

Korean I'm pretty happy with my progress too, i just need to keep it up and not let it slip.  I have my college class tonight.

Job searching needs more effort.  I've been procrastinating it and the thought of it make me nervous even though it shouldn't.  I need to improve my attitude in this area from a chore I need to do to:  It's actually an incredible opportunity to have paid time off to find a dream job. 

Haven't done any gaming.  I have been watching professional matches of overwatch a lot and watching a bunch of YouTube and Netflix.  But still, the overall time is a lot less and I'm feeling better.  Gaming makes me feel powerless because I just keep playing and have trouble stopping but watching stuff is different because it has an end.  At the end of each episode or video is an end, and at that end is an opportunity to take a break which I've been able to capitalize on.  Also, I get bored after a few hours and do other things.  Gaming has no breaks and I don't get bored.  So it's been a big improvement.  :)

My gf asked me the other day if I gamed after I got home and of course I told her no because I didn't.  I haven't told anyone about this reboot because I don't want them to act any differently.  It's a personal thing I'm doing for me and it's also an experiment.  It's too early in the process to share.  I'm sure I will eventually but it's too early.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 12, 2020, 12:49:24 AM
Reboot the game day 5

Good day today had a fantastic korean class, and even studied afterwards.  If there's one thing I want to add to my plan it's to start going to bed earlier and waking up earlier.  Like midnight to 9am or something like that.  Instead of waking up after 11am everyday haha.

Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 12, 2020, 08:58:51 PM
Hey, man, it all sounds pretty good to me. You're making progress all around, and that puts you in a more secure place. When your life is good and you're feeling happy, addiction doesn't have a lot to offer.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 12, 2020, 11:30:45 PM
Thanks blue!  Glad to have you back, missed you the other day. 

Reboot the game day 6

Great day.  Drove up to visit family, went on a run, studied about an hour of korean and have two new leads on jobs.  Wooohoo!  The trifecta!

I'm blessed, haven't always felt this good but I knew if I kept putting one foot in front of the other with a vision in mind, I'd move closer to it.  And it worked.

*an exception to reboot the game, tomorrow I'll visit my good friend from childhood and we often play games together to reconnect.  This is for a few hours at his house in person so I'm comfortable okaying this exception.  Afterall, that sort of gaming brings me closer to my friends and is really fun, it's not what was causing my issues.  Granted there may be a chaser but I'll be ready.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 13, 2020, 08:08:30 PM
Congrats on a great day!

I could be wrong, but your gaming reboot exception sounds pretty reasonable. There seems like there's a pretty definite difference between being in the same room as your friend and playing a game vs. being alone in your room playing on the internet for hours on end when you could be sleeping or doing something else. It sort of sounds like the difference (sort of) between a real relationship and porn. One is about connection and the other is about self-medicating. So go have fun with your friend and don't feel guilty about it! (But it's good to be aware that you could get hit by a chaser, same as how real-world interactions with women can still be triggering.)

Keep it going!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 16, 2020, 08:09:11 PM
Had a great visit with friends then an awesome Valentine's day weekend with my gf.  I took her on a winery tour and it was super fun and romantic. 

I'm a little nervous about all the things I have to do this week for job searching but I know once I get some momentum I'll feel better.  Also want to get outside/be more physically active this week and wake up earlier.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 16, 2020, 08:11:12 PM
Sounds like an awesome weekend! And I get that feeling of being nervous for the week ahead, but you'll get it once you start.

Sounds like you're moving and thinking in good directions. Just keep it up!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 18, 2020, 06:07:55 PM
played some games yesterday until late and then woke up layer and played all day until I had to leave for my class.  It's the same habit loop that's been causing problems for years. 

Making dinner now and then am going to my Korean class.  My studying has been going well, running needs more energy and so does job searching.  Mainly though I think I just need a better attitude, I've been feeling sluggish and zoned out the past few days.  And that's not how I want to be.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 19, 2020, 03:20:10 PM
Got my own copy of the atomic habit book.  Did the habit scorcard exercise and learned that most of my daily habits are not helping me get where I want to go.  It's good to be aware. 

Today I woke up at 11:30, I tried to wake up at 10:30 but fell back asleep.  Went to lunch with some old co-workers which was very nice.  Kind of made me glad I got laid off, that old company still sucks, worse now than before.

Made a plan and applied to a job and got a phone interview so had to send them my resume.  Now at the gym!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 19, 2020, 09:05:44 PM
Awesome that you're becoming more aware of your habits. I just sat down yesterday and figured out exactly how much time I'm spending on things during the week to try to figure out where all my time is going because it feels like I never have time to do the things I want to do. Awareness is the first step to making a change. So that's a great thing to do!

And you mentioned that you got stuck playing games in the same habit loop that you have been facing for years. I remember Atomic Habits talks about creating more friction for habits you're trying to break. What can you do to make playing games harder? Maybe it's a little extreme/not possible, but could you delete your games during the week and then reinstall them on the weekends or something? If they're always just as accessible as before, you're giving the old loops plenty of room to stay in control. You know the situation better than I do, but think about the possibilities.

Keep marching!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 21, 2020, 03:51:27 AM
Thanks for the reply blue!!  You are right about adding friction to unhealthy habits in order to make them less sticky, it's a good idea. 

However, there is something I learned from my week of no gaming and that I've also learned from rebooting pmo.  The binge gaming is not the source of the problem.  The source is my fear in response to my call to adventure.  I am hiding.

If all the games in the world disappeared, I'd switch to Netflix, then to youtube, then to books or something else.  The distraction doesn't deserve all the mental energy I give it.  It's almost 4am right now.  I am awake because I am self sabotaging.  I have a phone interview tomorrow afternoon, by staying up late it will be more difficult to interview and on and on and on.

If I really wanted to find a job, learn Korean and run a marathon, I could get it done in short order.  I need to be honest, I want to hide.  I like the feeling of a big goal and I like achieving them and I have achieved many.  However, I also like being in another world, in knowing that things are safe and comfortable.

Playing games, staying in my house and sleeping all day feels safe and comfortable, it really does.

But it's not.

It's actually the most dangerous thing I could do.

It's killing me, my spirit, my health, and my passion.

The best parts of me are getting rusty and decaying. 

I'm only 25, my days are priceless, and I'm tossing them aside.

The comfort zone and the safety zone have separated.

The comfort zone is hiding.

The safety zone is not hiding. The safety zone is trying things, putting myself out there, being apart of community, leading, and making my best art, every day.  That's safer than molding in a dark room, way safer.




I am going to pour myself into what I want.  I'm a runner, I'm a korean language speaker, I'm a marketing analytics professional.  I'm a friend, I'm an organizer, I'm a leader, I'm an outdoormen.  If I get free time, I'm going hiking.

Shifting into higher gears!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 21, 2020, 07:28:34 PM
I think that's a great an insight to recognize that your real motivation is hiding from adventure.

I have been trying in the last couple of weeks to recognize and dismantle my limiting beliefs. It's a process of looking at where my life is not as good as I want it to be and then figuring out what habits are making it that way and then figuring out what beliefs about myself/life are driving those habits. Do you know what kinds of beliefs are holding you back from pursuing your adventures fully? Are you worried that you don't deserve adventure? Maybe that the world isn't safe? Whatever it is, try to figure out what it is you believe, deep down, about these adventures that is holding you back. When you have those beliefs written down and out in the open, then you can work on tearing them down and putting new, empowering beliefs in their place.

There are so many good things ahead for you! Into high gear and away we go!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 25, 2020, 06:06:36 PM
Thanks for the reply blue!  Yeah the main stressful thing is during my weekdays where I stay up till 3:30, wake up at noon, have breakfast and play games until late afternoon, do something productive for 20 minutes, have dinner and go back to playing games.  My roommate says he has hardly seen me.

Although this has been my habit since I got laid off and it was my response to stress on highschool, it's not me.  I don't feel like myself, and it's stressing me out.  I have all the opportunity in the world.  I am self sabotaging.  I'm calling it out.

So, I have my class tonight, I did my homework and am going to have a great class, then I am going to plan the rest of my week.  I can do this, I can get daily habits that make me stronger not weaker.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on February 26, 2020, 04:08:31 PM
One thing I'm noticing is that when I'm stressed and feeling bad about my bad habits I'm not very nice to people.  I get irritated more easily and that sucks.  God damn I just want to have a job and not be living so lazy.  It's all up to me and that's stressful. 

When I rebooted from games for one week I mainly watched the game I was rebooting from on youtube haha.  Not really helpful.  I want to try some new habits.

1.  In bed by midnight and awake by 9am.
2. Only game or watch stuff between 8-11pm

Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: wecandoit on February 26, 2020, 04:47:35 PM
One thing I'm noticing is that when I'm stressed and feeling bad about my bad habits I'm not very nice to people.  I get irritated more easily and that sucks.  God damn I just want to have a job and not be living so lazy.  It's all up to me and that's stressful. 

When I rebooted from games for one week I mainly watched the game I was rebooting from on youtube haha.  Not really helpful.  I want to try some new habits.

1.  In bed by midnight and awake by 9am.
2. Only game or watch stuff between 8-11pm

I am not myself either when I am irritated. This happens when the streak gets longer and I feel like I want to walk around and smash people. I need to watch out for this because this streak is the streak. Fuck this, I've been failing for too long already.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 26, 2020, 09:15:28 PM
Sounds like you have some good plans and goals. Holding myself to a schedule, even one I make up, has been helpful. It keeps me doing the things I need to do and not getting sidetracked too much by other things.

It's also worthwhile to just focus on one or two key changes instead of trying to fix everything. It might take longer, but going step by step and mastering small changes along the way seems a lot more sustainable than trying to pull off a massive overhaul all at once.

Just keep going!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 04, 2020, 03:32:36 PM
Things have been going very well.  A few ideas have been profound. 

You are who you are, and you are what you are, because of what has gone into your mind.

Logic cannot change an emote, action will.

A three second break is all it takes to have enough space to make a new decision.  First impulse decisions are not as useful as the second decision.



Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 05, 2020, 07:50:45 PM
Wow, good insights! Glad to hear things are going well.

I like that first one, especially. I have definitely started thinking more lately about what i'm feeding my mind and how it affects my mood, thoughts, and actions.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: Reboot4good on March 06, 2020, 12:53:31 AM
Thanks so much for the thread man. Your comment about feeling bad about yourself affecting how you treat others is soo true. I think we often project our own worst criticisms of ourself onto others as if they are saying those things about us. It’s clear your are are making gains and moving in the right direction. I think it is so important to love and be patient with the guy you see in the mirror. through the process. You have a vision of what you want to be and can and will become that if you hold onto that vision. Sometimes believing you can or can’t  do something creates a self fulfilling prophesy. The only way you’ll fail to become who you want to be is to stop trying. The only way you’ll stop trying is if you stop believing you can do it. That negative self talk is so toxic! You’re growth may not be linear but you got this. Look in the mirror and see the guy you will be, soak it in and love yourself because that’s who you are deep down, not some compilation of your temporary flaws and mistakes.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 07, 2020, 11:04:10 PM
Thanks so much for the replies everyone!  I hope that this record of my journey can convince a least one person that they can do it too.  I love you all.  Don't die while the music is still inside you.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 08, 2020, 06:58:15 PM
Thanks, squid! Just reconnecting with the music and letting it play. I like that thought.

Keep crushing it!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 09, 2020, 09:49:08 PM
Had a sore and swollen throat the past week that I got looked at today   Nothing serious, just need a few more days of rest.  I'm a little behind my half marathon training because of it but hey that's life haha. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 10, 2020, 07:56:21 PM
Sure is, nothing wrong with taking it easy to get healthy. Keep on keepin' on!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 21, 2020, 02:43:08 AM
Finally after two weeks I'm feeling well again.  It was a rough illness.

As I sat tonight at 3am I was struck by a deep thought, my thought.  I'm ready to give my goals another try.  I thought about quitting and settling down a bit and letting some go.  But that's not true to who I am.  I meant what I said and it's time to put in the work.  I've been talking a lot to anyone who will listen the past few years about all these cool things I want to do.  I'm done talking, I know I can do these things and that they are important to me. 

There is nothing worse than being something and not living that way.  A runner who doesn't run, a hikers who doesn't hike, and painter who doesn't paint.  This is not the way.

I just want someone to know that I recognize that I've been living dangerously and not in a way I'm proud of.  Sleeping till noon, staying up till 4, playing 14 hours of video games a day, only going outside for 30 minutes a day.  Not job searching like I should and just generally hiding from my calling in a virtual world.  It hasn't all been like this and I've had bright spots but this habit has got to go.  The trend line on it is deadly.

So what am I going to do?  Everything I should be doing that I've been putting off.  Tomorrow that's crosstraining, studying and setting up the online blog.

As far as pmo, it's been smooth sailing for the most part.  There was one event a few days ago where I was reading the news on my phone and after reading an article I noticed it was in an online magazine I used to pmo to.  I didn't do anything but a few hours later the chaser from that triggered me again and I typed in the name of the site to get to the hot section.  But then on the homepage where I couldn't see anything except because of tiny thumbnails I mentally said stop and turned off my phone.  So turned a dangerous situation into a victory.

Things with my gf have been awesome, we are both in love.  I have lots of sex now and she says I'm the best she has ever had.  That meant a lot because only a year ago I wondered if I would be single and never have sex again forever while I was deep in my pmo habit. All the PE and ED and DE have gone away as I've gotten more comfortable and stayed away from pmo. 

I do feel a conviction to live more actively but that's not to say 2019 wasn't my best year on record.  I moved out to an awesome apartment with an awesome roommate, got a new job (that has since ended), am dating a wonderful woman, and stopped pmoing.  What a year.  Do you know how many times I tried to quit pmo?  Thousands and thousands of times over 10 years.  It got to the point where I thought it was impossible, that I would always be doing it.  But I haven't in 37 weeks. 

That's amazing to me.  It's totally worth it too, real sex with someone you love is infinitely better than pmo.  And only by leaving pmo for a few months was I able to get out there and start dating again.  The positive effects of the reboot were very helpful for dating. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 23, 2020, 12:29:58 AM
Had a great weekend and was able to do my five mile run today :).  Tomorrow I'll take care of some chores and then do pt exercises and study a bit of korean.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: faenoe on March 23, 2020, 07:43:55 PM
Dude, incredible posts recently. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your progress. Stay clean, man.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 23, 2020, 08:05:46 PM
Yeah, it sounds like you're doing awesome right now! You have a great foundation to go out and make some real progress on those goals.

You've got this!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 24, 2020, 01:06:23 PM
Thanks everyone for your replies!  I'm going to try a new thing and make a small 21 day goal that's part of my big goals but broken down.  21 days is what it takes to make a habit.

For my first one, I want to change my sleeping from 4am-noon to Midnight- 8 or 9am.

My plan is to exercise before evening, eat food in early evening not late, and to limit screens an hour before bed.  I also have melatonin as a backup.  This habit change will enable a lot of positive options in the future.  The reason I've been up so late is playing videogames and feeling bored.  I'm unemployed and the job market seems hopeless with the virus so I've been lazy. 

But it's time to start taking control of some good habits.  So that's the why.

Stay safe everyone.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 25, 2020, 10:08:05 PM
New sleeping habit 2/21

Yesterday I stopped playing videogames at 11:10pm, took a bath, and a melatonin and didn't use screens and went to bed at 12:10.  Slept pretty well and woke up at 9.  Everyone was like wow how are you awake so early? haha.  I just said I had some things to do today which was true.  I don't like to talk about new habits I'm making until they are more well developed.  When I talk about what I'm going to do a lot the odds of me doing it go down lol.

As a direct result of this little sleeping habit change, I got some car stuff done I've been putting off for a month, cleaned my bicycles, and did my PT exercises, ate pretty healthy food, and played games with friends reasonably after things I needed to do got done.  What a great day! 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 26, 2020, 06:47:15 PM
Hey, that's awesome! I think it's smart to start with a habit of changing your sleep pattern. It sounds like that one change is helping you get some more useful hours in your day and will support the development of other healthy habits going forward. If you had to pick one thing to focus on, this sounds like a great thing to pick.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 26, 2020, 11:25:31 PM
Thanks blue, yeah the day really begins with how I go to sleep the night before.  Yesterday I got to sleep a little after 12 with melatonin but no bath and woke up at 9 and snoozed for 40 minutes, I was tired all day.  But I have been running a lot more so it's to be expected.  I might switch to midnight to 10am after tough training days.

Today I didn't to much all day except hang out and play a bunch of games.  I did make good food though and did a run in the evening.  Only got through half because I was sore but it was so beautiful outside I wanted to try.  Then had a great evening at my gf's watching movies and eating take out and playing with the puppy. 

The sleep habit change is reasonable and has been very helpful.  Besides that, I want to get a good job searching habit down, that's really important.  I want to work again.  But for now I'm focusing on the sleep although I do hope to get some job searching done tomorrow.

Stay free my friends,

Squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 27, 2020, 07:00:54 PM
Sounds like a pretty decent day, and that's a win! Keep listening to your body and being thoughtful about your adjustments. It really sounds like you're on the right track. Make the changes sustainable, and you'll be going places!

Good luck on the job searching habits next. Piece by piece, it will all fall into place.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on March 31, 2020, 11:34:42 PM
Stayed up late on the weekend and Monday and Tuesday as well.  Many of my friends are available to play because of the virus and it's been really fun.  Although I do feel the sleeping habit is worth still working on.  For the rest of the week, I am aiming for bed around 1am and awake around 9 or 10am. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on April 02, 2020, 12:19:15 AM
heading to bed around 1 tonight and did the same yesterday.  Spent two days at my gf's and the change of location was nice since I've been in my house so much.  Did my run today and was only able to do 2 out of the 6 miles because of some pain I was having.  Found out the issue though and have a plan to fix it.  Keep moving forward!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 06, 2020, 07:06:32 PM
Moving forward is as much as we can do! Glad to hear you're just moving along. Keep it going!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on April 17, 2020, 01:05:18 AM
Not too much to update, life is going very well.  Me and my gf had a chat about what fourm I post to and why I don't watch porn.  I had told her previously but not that many details.  The timing felt right.  She didn't mind of course and was very happy in my success of moving away from that old habit. 

In other news I'm having better sex than I knew was possible.  So that's super cool.  Man just 9 months ago I could barely get hard to any stimulation.  I was also super nervous and would PE really fast after I got a bit hard.  Not the case at all anymore.  Everything works great.  It gives me good confidence that things work and I can express myself in that way.  I used to read journals on here of others that rebooted and went on to have regular great sex with a lover and I wasn't sure if it was possible.  But it worked!  Blessed.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on April 19, 2020, 05:42:09 PM
Man super inspiring bro! Really glad to hear that things have continued to go so well for you.

Keep up the good work and awesome that you are working on the new habits. Huge congrats on the great relationship and sex with your girlfriend!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 22, 2020, 07:54:51 PM
Glad things are going well! It's awesome to come back to good reports from people.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on April 27, 2020, 01:05:22 AM
Thanks everyone!  Tonight I was playing some overwatch abd was getting tired, near my bedtime, and I was also watching a sports talk show.  I've seen them before and enjoy the show but they got a new female introducer that was very triggering.  I feel the old feelings.  Freaked out a little.  Found out what her name was in the comments and started to search, found the Wikipedia page and a YouTube segment from the show and stopped.  And then came on here to post my feelings.  That always helps.

Didn't find anything triggering in my search because I ended it so fast.  I can easily see how one thing could lead to another.  And I really don't want to go back down that road.  So I'm proud I got out so quickly.  Triggering things come up from time to time and my response tonight was very promising.  Not how it used to be before the reboot.

I've been thinking about fear a bunch.  I'm in a unique situation where all my excuses for not working hard towards my dreams are suddenly gone.  And I'm still procrastinating, and I feel bad about it sometimes and then I remember I am making great progress towards my dreams and  working on them.  I wonder what action makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough.  Maybe it's just something from childhood.  Maybe not.  It seems to come after I zone out playing games and realized I wasn't actually having fun and it felt more like hiding than playing.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on May 01, 2020, 01:57:16 AM
Yesterday I was very active and outside, and had a plan for the day and felt so alive.  Today I stayed in and played games all day long and tonight I feel dead and low energy.

The truth of the matter is that in my heart of hearts, I want to take a long break from the gaming and other binge digital activities.   I've hardly ever done that in my life, and I want to see if that helps me retain agency to move forward in my life goals.

I've mentioned this a few times in the journal and it has been a challenge. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on May 01, 2020, 11:02:51 AM
The thing about challenges is their difficulty and reward.  Challenging to day after day stay focused, yes.  But the reward is vast and rich.  As I sit in my chair, the world outside calls.  Pluck up heart, we are not done yet.  I can stay focused, I can do my work.  I will do my work.  I'm not a child any longer.  All actions have consequences and I want some better consequences.  Today's a brand new day.  Yesterday really did end last night.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on May 02, 2020, 12:33:09 AM
Hey man, glad to hear the update.

Sounds to me like cutting out gaming 100%, at least temporarily, is the way to go. Gaming has been a recurring theme for months and months that I have seen in the journal, maybe years. But again it'd have to be something that you really want to do. Like quitting P, it's a decision and commitment that you'd have to make yourself.

Perhaps set aside a chunk of time, hours even, to reflect on the video games and what you want to do about them.

Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on May 03, 2020, 10:59:49 PM
Thanks so much for your reply quit!  You're right, I think rebooting it is the way to go.  My pattern of making progress on things for a few weeks and then getting distracted and giving up corelates to gaming a lot.  When I play games, I play games about managing things, about exploring, about building, about teamwork and competition, all things I love.  And when I play I feel safe and comfortable comfortable and have fun. 

But the games aren't real, and I have a real body, real bills, real relationships that need my care and attention.  Attention I've been putting towards gaming.  I'd like to get to the point where I can play once or twice a week to catch up with old friends and that's a good thing.  But that's not the sort of gaming I'm doing.  I'm hiding.

Why?  I don't know, I don't want people to rely on me and then let them down.  It's scary if I really give things my all and it doesn't work.  In my head I know that these things aren't true but I guess the truth is that life is tough.  And I can get away with being lazy and super comfortable for now but eventually it will catch up to me.  And the habit scares me.  It's dangerous.


I don't think gaming is bad but for years the habit has been so close to me, I can't even imagine what it would be like not to play games.  I'd have tons and tons of free time that would be challenging to fill.

But I could do it.

I'm 302 days porn free and that change was very difficult absolutely.  But since making that change that area of my life has improved so dramatically it's almost unrecognizable.  I'm in love and I could barely imagine that a year ago.  So of course I can do it. 

I'm going to clean a bit tonight and reflect on what I can do.

Stay free my friends,

Squid

Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on May 07, 2020, 11:10:18 AM
Going pro, day 1


I have decided.  I am going to reboot from gaming and from solo digital entertainment.  I understand that this is going to cause major disruptions in my daily habits and the first few months might get bumpy, but it's something I know I need to do.

I'm going to get a ton of free time.  90% of my waking hours are currently spent gaming when I'm at my house and I don't really enjoy it anymore.  The only thing I do like os catching up with friends, and because of quarentine, I'm limited with how I can catch up.

So the rules of the reboot:

90 days and then I will revaluate

A professional focus and energy on the joy of following my dreams.  This reboot has less to do about gaming and more to do about half marthon training, korean language studying, becoming an expert digital marketer, and connecting with the world through blogging and social media.  These activities plus reading books and audiobooks will fill the time.

In bed by 11

No gaming or solo digital watching: specifically overwatch, battlebrothers, the sopranos, youtube.  I don't think these things are bad, I just need a break to make habits on how to use them responsibily.

The two exceptions:
I will play space engineers or divinity original sin 2 with my old friends once or twice a week.  But I will plan in advance the time I am getting off.  This does not equate to much of the time I play games.  I can adjust as needed.  This is kind of an experiment to see if I can play responsibily and I don't want to further self isolate. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on May 29, 2020, 02:48:19 AM
It did not work.  I still stay up very late, still play a ton of videogames and still feel frustrated at my lack of progress on things I care about.  I know I have a ton of potential and it just feels sad to waste so much time.  Time that is so valuable.  There's no magic cure or perfect plan.  All I know is this, I feel a calling to do more than hide in my bedroom.  I've done great things and will do greater still.  I've chosen these activities and they have become habits.  I don't like the outcome of these habits.  That fact still remains. 

Here's what I've learned.  Environment, community, and courage make all the difference.  I'm not done, the future is bright. 
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on May 29, 2020, 07:59:28 PM
Keep it up man! At is very difficult but at the end of the day you will eventually get it. It's just about trying again and again, trying different things until you get it.

What is the smallest change you could make? What is one time waster you think you could try cutting out for a week?
Maybe starting small and building up is the way to go. Perhaps cut out one specific game or something.

You'll get it!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 19, 2020, 05:49:02 PM
350 days and I just pmo'd to still images.  A few days ago I mo'd to fantasy.  I had gone many months without moing but the past week has been difficult.  Both me and my girlfriend are feeling sick, I've been binging games a lot, and have been feeling pretty overwhelmed with unemployment and stress about turning 26 and losing insurance and general frustration.  A lot going on.

After I mo'd I took a shower and thought about what my habits would normally lead me to.  I would get some unhealthy take out, play more games until late, pmo to more intense material wake up very late pmo around noon and then again 2 more times that night to increasing intense p.

Then I realized that's my plan, that's what I subconsciously chose.  So I made an alternative plan:

Get healthy take out, take a break from gaming this weekend and use the time to get outside.  Join a meditation call I was invited to tonight, and call my gf.  Also I'll post on here.

I'm going with the alternative.  When I turn this slip up into a positive series of choices, it will be a new habit, a good one.

Squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 19, 2020, 09:57:28 PM
Took the alternative and feel much better.  And since I decided to not game tonight, I decided to write a few blog posts and it was really fun.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 20, 2020, 01:31:14 AM
So interesting.  My dinner was great and nutritious, I did the meditation class, I hung out with my roommate, and then instead of playing games I wrote and designed some things for my blog.  I really hit a break through and things actually look pretty awesome on the blog!  I've had a wonderful Friday night.  There was one slip up but everything after was amazing.

That's never happened after pmo after a long streak before.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 21, 2020, 11:53:22 AM
Still feeling good, had a nice day yesterday and got to play online with some great friends.  Still not feeling 100% but not too bad. Did a lot of work on an art project and have been getting great responses.  Makes me feel good. 

I've been paying attention for a year what people on reboot nation do after a slip up post long streak.  Almost everyone posts some motivation about how they are going to recommit and then they post less and less, then disappear entirely.

I'm not going anywhere.  It's been a very successful year without pmo and I'm going to continue moving forward.

-squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: Sanders on June 22, 2020, 01:06:17 AM
Hi Squid,

That's really good to see you making all these positive changes in your life! Hope you can keep finding energy from these healthy new parts of your life :)
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 22, 2020, 12:18:07 PM
Thanks Sanders!  Another good day.  Definitely been a little challenging with the chaser but holding strong.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 23, 2020, 02:37:39 PM
Things have been going well!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: zander13 on June 23, 2020, 05:24:28 PM
Glad to see you turning it around so fast. God speed my friend, you've accomplished a great deal already.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 24, 2020, 10:56:03 AM
Thanks Zander, I appreciate the replies. 


I just read a quote that I think is important.

 "Fear of self-definition is what keeps an amateur an amateur and what keeps and addict and addict."

I think I've cracked the core of the habit cycle.  At the core is a desire to do great magnificent achievements and to help people.  It's a young core though, amateur, and still learning.  After the core is resistance.  Resistance is fear.  Fear of success, of failure, of differentiating from the tribe, of being judged for expressing my true self definition. 

After that is the numbing.  Pmo and video game binging put me to sleep, spin my brain up with so much information, I don't have a chance to reflect on what is actually happening in my life in the present.  After an enormous amount of numbing I get frustrated and remember my original dreams and core.  Then I work on them for a few days like an amateur with little control beyond following the motivation from my frustrations.

When that wears off, I rationalize to play a few games to relax.  That turns into a lot of games and the numbing that is resistance continues again.  This is the cycle.


Learning this has given me two new tools.  Silence and reflection, and self-definition.  If I do these two actions, the whole addictive loop will begin to unravel and be destroyed.

My self-definition: I love the outdoors, I love running, I'm kind, I love to solve interesting problems, I really do want to learn the Korean language.

I am capable, I'm a sailer, I'm an improvisor, I'm an Eagle Scout, I've walked across America literally, I'm not alone.  I'm a member of tribes across the globe that accept me for me, I'm greatly loved. 

I'm in love with the love of my life.  I went a year without pmo.  I've traveled the globe.  I'm happier awake.  I weigh 180 pounds, I have a strong core and glute medius.  I'm quick and light hearted.  I'm quick witted.  I don't play games very much.  I prefer to be in the flow of life.  I'm an impressario.  I weave magic.  Bring people together and organize cool shit. 

I stay on purpose.  I know what I stand for and I stay on my trail. 

I will never cure my restlessness by contributing my disposal income or time to the bottom line of bullshit incorporated, but only by doing my work.   

Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 24, 2020, 11:06:48 PM
I'm making a scrapbook of my travels.  It's an amazing creative fun process haha.  It was a great day today man, I'm blessed.  Been paying attention more to my thoughts and what I feed my mind.  It makes a big difference.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 25, 2020, 10:10:54 PM
Spent a bunch of great time with my gf with week.  Did a long bike ride today and got a bunch of job stuff done.  Going to the beach this weekend and I'm super excited about it.

See you at the top,

squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 27, 2020, 07:41:32 AM
Made it to the beach, super excited to see the ocean again and feel the sand.  There's nothing better :)
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: Icandoit on June 27, 2020, 01:55:17 PM
Made it to the beach, super excited to see the ocean again and feel the sand.  There's nothing better :)

Of course. Squid belongs to the ocean.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on June 30, 2020, 09:53:50 PM
Made it to the beach, super excited to see the ocean again and feel the sand.  There's nothing better :)

Of course. Squid belongs to the ocean.

Haha you're right about that!  It's been an awesome trip and I'm feeling very good.  On Tuesday is my one year anniversary of leaving pmo.  Besides that one slip up a few weeks ago it's been an amazing clean journey and my life has improved dramatically.  Dang guys, I fell in love and am very fulfilled in my relationship.  It's amazing.  Never give up hope, a few better decisions and a better life is born.

For my one year I'm going to do some volunteering.  Give back and be grateful.

Thanks for all your support,

squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: Icandoit on July 01, 2020, 03:41:37 AM
Great, man! 1 year! This is awesome. An example of dedication.
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on July 02, 2020, 03:01:06 PM
Sitting on the beach feeling gratitude.  Decided not to volunteer Tuesday because I forgot I need to quarentine after being at the beach but I'll find some way to celebrate.  Maybe dinner with my gf.  It's been a great week at the beach and an unexpected thing happened where my sleep cycle actually is in a great place.  Been going to been around 11 and waking up around 7:30 and having good energy all day.  Really want to keep that good habit up.

Had a bit of temptation today where I pulled up a news video but I stopped and turned it off and then got out of the house and went to the beach and now I feel much better.

Excited to study some Korean now and to get back on the job hunt this upcoming week.  Had some great leads but they all didn't work out so that sucks.  Have a great weekend everyone.

squid
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on July 06, 2020, 07:28:45 PM
Had a great vacation and am going strong into a new week!
Title: Re: Kraken's journal
Post by: squid on July 08, 2020, 09:24:30 PM
Happy one year anniversary of no pmo to me!  It's been super solid except for one slip up to stills a month ago.  But I'm proud of not letting that get me off track.  Celebrated with my girlfriend and told her about the slip up last week.  She's very happy for me and we are very happy together.  It's been a good year.

Squid