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Journals => Women => Topic started by: Kaybee on April 01, 2014, 03:01:51 AM

Title: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 01, 2014, 03:01:51 AM
Hi everyone,
So I thought I would share my story because I noticed that the other women here so far could only express their conflict with porn through their significant other's experience. Not to say that their issues aren't as important as mine, because they definitely are, but I thought I could offer another side of the story.
I am a 22 year old woman, and I have been using pornography, first photos then videos, since I was exposed to it at the age of 10. I was at a girl in my grade's house and we decided to do an image search for 'sex'. That was the first time I ever saw a pornographic image and it has stuck with me all this time. I was at first terrified that somebody would find out and we would both get in trouble, but nobody checked the history. After that, I started sneaking peeks at things while my parents were in the other room, and I found I got off on the danger of being caught. Unfortunately, I never was and my parents never spoke to me about how inappropriate the behavior was. 
When I was in my first year of high school at age 14, I met a young man who coerced me into a friends with benefits relationship that I was extremely uncomfortable with. That relationship resulted in more exposure to pornography as well as erotica and self-pleasuring. I would like to stress that this was an extremely unhealthy relationship where I held no power. I know that it is natural for teenagers to be curious about their bodies and to want to explore others' as well, but this was more of peer molestation. He suddenly ended it before my 15th birthday without warning, and I was devastated and relieved at the same time.
After that relationship, my self esteem was in pieces. It took 4 years before I was ready to tell people what had happened, and another year after than until I felt ready to date again.  During that time I turned to pornography. I would use it every single day some weeks, which was difficult because I shared the family computer with 4 other people. I had to become extremely creative in finding ways to cover my tracks, to hide my habit, to pretend that I didn't know anything about sex when I really knew much more than even my older brothers. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I was horrified by the things I saw. It was especially shocking for me, I think, because I was a woman watching abuses happen to other women. I internalized a lot of the things I saw. Like with most addicts, I found myself searching for darker and darker subject matter until I didn't even recognize myself anymore.
The biggest turning point in my story was when I was 19 years old. I no longer got as aroused by pornography as I once did, and I wanted to participate myself. All those years of watching  other women be objectified, abused, and disrespected somehow made me want to join them. I started going to adult live webchat sites. I started doing sexual acts on camera for men whose faces I couldn't even see. I deluded myself into thinking that they cared about me, or that they saw me as beautiful. In reality, I was just one of many women that they would see that day. After work I would come home and dedicate around 4 hours to my addiction. This continued for roughly one month. Finally, I broke down. The thought of being recorded and having people I love see those videos drove me to insanity. I was constantly worried about being recognized. When I went to the mall, I felt that every man in the mall knew who I was and what I had done. 
I decided to kill myself. My plan was to drive my car into a tree, or over a bridge so it would look like an accident and no one would ask why a good girl like me wanted to die. I know that this sounds incredibly drastic to a lot of you reading this, but that was how far I had drifted into despair. I remember just sitting in my room, staring at my hands, imagining them covered in blood. I closed my eyes and I prayed that I would have enough strength to make it through the night. I respect that some of you do not believe in God, but I do, and as complicated as having a porn addiction and being a Christian is, it is my reality. Thankfully, I did not get in my car that night. When the morning came I knew I should check myself into a 72 hour watch, but I couldn't admit to other people that I needed help. If you are in a similar situation, or are thinking about the same thing, I urge you to get help. It is not weak. It is strong to admit that you have a problem and that you can't do it on your own.  I wish that I was that strong.
Since then, I have quit the chatrooms. I still have nightmares about finding recordings of myself. Pornography is still an ongoing struggle that I wish I could quit. I have tried many times since the age of 15 to stop watching it, but I have never been successful for more than a month or two. Any advice, prayers, or camaraderie would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to the pain pornography has caused in my life, I hope that it can help in yours. 
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: robust on April 01, 2014, 05:35:39 AM
I was at first terrified that somebody would find out and we would both get in trouble, but nobody checked the history.

I remember the first time I was doing that. I believe I was as terrified as I've never been before or after that.. :D Funny and bizarre at the same time.

The biggest turning point in my story was when I was 19 years old. I no longer got as aroused by pornography as I once did, and I wanted to participate myself. All those years of watching  other women be objectified, abused, and disrespected somehow made me want to join them. I started going to adult live webchat sites. I started doing sexual acts on camera for men whose faces I couldn't even see. I deluded myself into thinking that they cared about me, or that they saw me as beautiful. In reality, I was just one of many women that they would see that day. After work I would come home and dedicate around 4 hours to my addiction. This continued for roughly one month. Finally, I broke down. The thought of being recorded and having people I love see those videos drove me to insanity. I was constantly worried about being recognized. When I went to the mall, I felt that every man in the mall knew who I was and what I had done. 

I never used cam-shows. But I've also never seen this whole thing like this before. Considering that the girls there might be just an addict too seems somehow scary to me. And just in this moment I feel disgusted by the idea of men masturbating to this.

I decided to kill myself.

No need for this. ;)


It is strong to admit that you have a problem and that you can't do it on your own.  I wish that I was that strong.
Since then, I have quit the chatrooms. I still have nightmares about finding recordings of myself. Pornography is still an ongoing struggle that I wish I could quit. I have tried many times since the age of 15 to stop watching it, but I have never been successful for more than a month or two. Any advice, prayers, or camaraderie would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to the pain pornography has caused in my life, I hope that it can help in yours.

The best advice is probably to stop now. Participate here on this forum regularly. You will see that people here are cooperative.

You've got my compasion. All the best.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Jverhoye on April 01, 2014, 12:32:37 PM
Welcome kaybee!  You have found a very supportive community.  I admire your strength for enduring what you have at such a young age.  You will probably get advice here to seek professional help, find a support group and start the process of "recovery."  Those are all very important, but so is taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time.  Be kind to yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Know that better times are ahead for you.  You will find fellow Christians here and non-believers too.  Everyone I've encountered has been generous with support and feedback.  Keep us updated on how you are doing and don't be afraid to ask for prayers and any other help you deserve and need.  You are worth the effort you will put into your recovery!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 01, 2014, 11:51:22 PM

I never used cam-shows. But I've also never seen this whole thing like this before. Considering that the girls there might be just an addict too seems somehow scary to me. And just in this moment I feel disgusted by the idea of men masturbating to this.


It is really disgusting an scary, I'm glad that stuck to you. I promise you, the exact same story is true for a lot of women working in the porn industry. If you're interested you could check out this video from two women who left the industry -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRZZAuPyG7I
Just a warning though, the video doesn't have any graphic photos on it, but the adds to the side do. So maybe go fullscreen or cover that side if you're going to watch it. They also discuss in detail some of their experiences, so if you feel like that could be an issue for you, don't watch it. But it is very informative and I learnt a lot from it. It's definitely an eye opener about the industry and will make you think twice, even beyond your own personal reasons for not watching.
Thanks for welcoming me to the community! This seems like a great site. I'm thinking about joining that April challenge that is going on now.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Viper on April 02, 2014, 08:14:07 PM
You're absolutely right, admitting you have a problem and seeking help takes strength. Nothing weak about it.
Sometimes when I was looking at porn, I can't help but think that the woman in the images is someone's daughter, sister, cousin, friend, etc.
But all I cared about is what she can do to get myself off  :(

May I ask if you're in college or if you have a job?
You don't have to specify.
I ask because of your age and if you're doing anything that requires a lot of your time and focus.
During the times where I was in between jobs and not studying, guess what?
I killed a lot of time fragging on video games and spanking the monkey.
Not good of course but when you have plenty of time for nothing, it's easier to slide back into that descent.
It's a dark place you know to well and I'm glad you made it out.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 03, 2014, 01:43:44 AM
Bottom line: you are not your past, you are a strong woman for choosing to leave the world of porn, camaraderie wouldn't cut it because to tell the truth you have my respect and indeed admiration. May God help all porn addicts and those affected adversely by their behaviour.

That brought a little tear to my eye. You're right. I'm not my past. Amen, brother. My favorite phrase to repeat to myself is, "On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand."  That pretty much sums up the world of porn - a big pit of sinking sand with millions of people drowning in it.

May I ask if you're in college or if you have a job?

Yep, I'm in college. While the cams were happening I was only working part-time, so that was definitely a problem.  Now school keeps me pretty busy, but unfortunately being busy doesn't always stop me. The stress alone is sometimes enough to drive me to it. Today it was a good thing though; I really wanted to 'do a quick search' but I had to study for a big test I have tomorrow! That and the fact I'd hate to have to reset my counter. It feels really good to have a community standing beside me, and I don't want to let you guys down.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 03, 2014, 03:02:24 AM
 
"On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand." That's innovative Kay, I definitely dig it.
Lol, I didn't think of that myself. It's a line from my favorite hym. But thanks for thinking I was so creative!

Might I add, 4 days is an awesome feat. Cravings are like emotions, you feel them for sometime and eventually they do subside.
   I've managed to do a week many times before, so I'm not too anxious yet. I can't even remember the last time I did a month though. Honestly. I've worked at bible camps for a month, and not gone a month without pornography. Life's a scary thing sometimes.

Okay so journal update!
I showed my post here to my fiancé last night. It was his first time hearing about some of the stuff I had to say. He knew about the big things, like my abusive relationship and my struggle with the cams but he didn't know all the gory little details. My man is such a rock. He took it all in stride. It definitely brought us closer together for me to open up to him like that and for him to accept me. While he isn't sure that he believes the whole pornography addiction thing, he understands that I feel it's a problem for me, so he's supporting me that way. I guess he hasn't seen the whole of my addiction because I definitely do try to hide it from him when I feel ashamed of myself. I told him about the April Challenge and we agreed to do it together. :)  One of the difficult parts of our relationship is that he does watch pornography, but it isn't an addiction for him. I have conflicted opinions on that. I've made it clear that once we are married and able to have sex then it is absolutely forbidden, but for right now I don't feel confident in asking him to stop. It really bothers me to think of him enjoying other women that way, but I feel like a hypocrite asking him to stop when I can't even stop myself. What about you guys? How would you feel if your SO was watching porn? Do they? I don't know if I'm just making excuses for us right now because we're waiting until marriage to have sex, or if I'm just so used to the idea that men watch porn, that's just the way it is or what.  All I know is he's the one for me, and this is a problem we both have to work on together. Thanks everyone for all your support so far, I really appreciate it.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Viper on April 03, 2014, 05:36:54 AM
Quote


Okay so journal update!
I showed my post here to my fiancé last night. It was his first time hearing about some of the stuff I had to say. He knew about the big things, like my abusive relationship and my struggle with the cams but he didn't know all the gory little details. My man is such a rock. He took it all in stride. It definitely brought us closer together for me to open up to him like that and for him to accept me. While he isn't sure that he believes the whole pornography addiction thing, he understands that I feel it's a problem for me, so he's supporting me that way. I guess he hasn't seen the whole of my addiction because I definitely do try to hide it from him when I feel ashamed of myself. I told him about the April Challenge and we agreed to do it together. :)  One of the difficult parts of our relationship is that he does watch pornography, but it isn't an addiction for him. I have conflicted opinions on that. I've made it clear that once we are married and able to have sex then it is absolutely forbidden, but for right now I don't feel confident in asking him to stop. It really bothers me to think of him enjoying other women that way, but I feel like a hypocrite asking him to stop when I can't even stop myself. What about you guys? How would you feel if your SO was watching porn? Do they? I don't know if I'm just making excuses for us right now because we're waiting until marriage to have sex, or if I'm just so used to the idea that men watch porn, that's just the way it is or what.  All I know is he's the one for me, and this is a problem we both have to work on together. Thanks everyone for all your support so far, I really appreciate it.

I guess I'm different than most people when it comes to courtship. Every woman I'm involved with knows what I do and what I like. If they can't accept that, than we have to move on and vice versa.
For example, I can't have a girlfriend who smokes even though I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone else smoking. I just don't want it around me. If I come across a PYT that smokes, than being her boyfriend is out of the question and I would not want anyone to quit smoking for me. If that's what they do, then so be it.
Same goes for alcohol. I really don't think there is anything wrong with drinking alcohol. It's abusing alcohol that I can't jive with either. Funny thing is, I used to hit bars/nightclubs a lot and still didn't really drink. Ok, one glass at the most but I was fortunate to never get caught up into alcohol like a few of my friends when I was your age. If my S.O. were to dump me now because of the porn, than that's a choice she made that apparently she wanted no part of. By the way, I have dated someone who told me that porn and jacking off was a no-no. That was her clause so you have to figure out what yours is.

Now here's where it gets kinda tricky for me and some of you may not like my next comment;
I really don't have a problem with pornography in general. I think the adult entertainment industry has it's place in a free country like United States where I believe consenting adults have the free will to engage in that if they choose.
I can make the choice weather I want to patronize that or not. Same with smoking. I don't blame porn for my problems. I blame myself for allowing it to take me to new lows.
So if porn is a no-no for you and you have a S.O. who doesn't agree because he's not an addict, that's something you have to reconcile. I don't think you're being a hypocrite because by definition, you too are trying to rid yourself of it.

I can speak a lot more on the subject because the issue here goes far beyond just porn. Once you throw things like religion and marriage in the mix, then it makes it more complicated. I will spare the readers my soapbox on that but if any of you want to private message me for my take, please feel free to do so.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 03, 2014, 08:58:09 PM
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!)
somethingelse, you're right. It would be great if we were both completely out of the habit by the time we get married, then it wouldn't even be a concern.
Today is a concern though. Today is haaaaaaaaaard.
Also, am I breaking some rules here? I've noticed other people write "P" or "PMO". Should I be doing that? Am I being a stumbling block? I've just never been one for shorthand. . . As evidenced by that novel I wrote for an introduction. . .
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Jverhoye on April 03, 2014, 09:09:51 PM
Use shorthand or don't use it.  It is a personal preference.  It's not important.  What's important is that you're here and you're engaged in the process. 
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Viper on April 03, 2014, 09:15:12 PM
Quote
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!) 

Ok, the bridge is yours to cross. Hold her steady-
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Rainiegirl on April 03, 2014, 11:44:56 PM
Hi there and welcome. I'm a fully recovered porn addict. I won't say that the urge isint still ther but its very easy to ignore now. I never got as deep as you but I can see how you got there. I new my problem was out of hand when rape porn was the only thing that did it for me, and I'm a victim of rape. I was able to recover because of my kids. The thought of me messing myself up so badly was too much. I wanted to be better for them. I would get your boyfriend to look at yourbrainonporn. At the least he might get some understanding about your addiction. I find it helpful. He realy should quit himself for your sake if not his own. That uneasy feeling you get over him watching it will only get worse. You don't want to enter a relationship that way.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: shake19 on April 04, 2014, 04:50:21 AM
Hi kaybee!

I've read your story and I see that you was getting really deep into it (by the way, as many of us). It is great that you managed to say STOP and you are fighting those bad things so they will be only the past. Create your future by present and the present is the time when you should enjoy your life without P, cams etc. and you should be proud of yourself that you've made such a choice. Most people don't recognize this problem and everyday is making them more blind for a real life. Coming to your boyfriend I would definitely recommend you to talk to him about your opinion, try showing him www.yourbrainonporn.com, but still - don't be too intrusive, it must be his own choice, anything what is forced won't work. Don't seek for any explanation for him. PMO is the sin the same before as after the marriage, PMO is an addiction that is ruining mentality eventhough sometimes we may not be aware about this. Stay confident that getting rid of this addiction is the only good way to live, the God surely didn't create us to masturbate and watch pornography.

Good luck! I am glad to have you here.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on April 04, 2014, 07:29:46 AM
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!)
somethingelse, you're right. It would be great if we were both completely out of the habit by the time we get married, then it wouldn't even be a concern.
Today is a concern though. Today is haaaaaaaaaard.
Also, am I breaking some rules here? I've noticed other people write "P" or "PMO". Should I be doing that? Am I being a stumbling block? I've just never been one for shorthand. . . As evidenced by that novel I wrote for an introduction. . .

You are glorious. I don't know about your status as a "rule breaker" and frankly we could probably compare docket sheets. I'm one of those that started using P and PMO and PIV and such in my journal. I started doing this because it might be a trigger for someone else. In other words, I did it thinking of the reactions of others. What I didn't expect is how it would affect me.

Using these "codes" takes away the dirty. It isn't as interesting. It is less emotionally charged. I can distance myself from that thing. "My husband has an issue with PMO" is an easier pill.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fabulously filthy mouth and imagination for an old lady. I usually used it for comic relief. My husband always found it charming and funny because it wasn't the relationship we had. It was funny and affirming for me because I knew he loved me for who I was, my brain, not because of my delightfully libidinous locution. That changed somewhere. Talking dirty became something sickly serious and without humor, a need and hit to the brain stem. He stopped seeing me as his lover, wife, a person. It didn't matter if I said it or if he read it or heard it on a video. I stopped being magical for him.

The first time we were intimate after discovering the PMO issue, he called me names like in a P. It wasn't funny or magical or endearing.

I'm going to use P and PMO codes for the full words. You are free to use what you need to use.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 04, 2014, 11:29:14 AM
Don't get me wrong. I have a fabulously filthy mouth and imagination for an old lady. I usually used it for comic relief. My husband always found it charming and funny because it wasn't the relationship we had. It was funny and affirming for me because I knew he loved me for who I was, my brain, not because of my delightfully libidinous locution. That changed somewhere. Talking dirty became something sickly serious and without humor, a need and hit to the brain stem. He stopped seeing me as his lover, wife, a person. It didn't matter if I said it or if he read it or heard it on a video. I stopped being magical for him.

The first time we were intimate after discovering the PMO issue, he called me names like in a P. It wasn't funny or magical or endearing.


You've just made me realize something about myself and I don't like it. Yuck. I've definitely asked my fiance to call me dirty names,  which he didn't enjoy doing at all. I thought I was being sexy. How did I not connect that with my past? Seriously. I read your message and I was like, oh. That makes sense.  Well, I guess I have some apologizing to do.   :-\  I never used to be one for swearing either. I swore in front of my sister in law once and she honestly fell off her chair, haha!  I guess there's some more evidence of how P can change your brain.   I read what the rest of you said and I have some replies to make later, but I've got to run to class.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 12, 2014, 07:08:02 PM
Well, I had to reset my counter. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I couldn't make the whole month. I know that 2 weeks is a good start, but I wish I could have held on. I finished my classes on Monday, and since then I have been stressed out about finals, finding a job, and missing my fiancé. It all just piled up on me last night, and before I could even stop and ask myself what I was doing, I had failed. I'm bummed but I'm also glad that I made it this far, and that I have a group of people to be accountable to. I think my fiancé is starting to understand what a problem this is for me. He saw how upset I was when I told him I failed, and that I clearly wasn't able to control myself.  The good thing is I know what I can do to stop myself from doing it again. Late nights + Stress + Internet = Failure.  The hard part is just going to be reminding myself that in the long run, giving up won't make my problems go away.  I. CAN. DO. THIS.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Jverhoye on April 12, 2014, 08:35:53 PM
Yes, you can do this!  You are creating mindfulness and awareness of your "Triggers" and your "Acting Out Cycle."  This is huge stuff and will only give you focus and direction for where you want to be and why you want to be there.  Stay strong and keep us informed.  We are all cheering you on!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 12, 2014, 09:47:01 PM
Thanks Jverhoye =)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on April 13, 2014, 02:34:39 PM
Well, I had to reset my counter. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I couldn't make the whole month. I know that 2 weeks is a good start, but I wish I could have held on. I finished my classes on Monday, and since then I have been stressed out about finals, finding a job, and missing my fiancé. It all just piled up on me last night, and before I could even stop and ask myself what I was doing, I had failed. I'm bummed but I'm also glad that I made it this far, and that I have a group of people to be accountable to. I think my fiancé is starting to understand what a problem this is for me. He saw how upset I was when I told him I failed, and that I clearly wasn't able to control myself.  The good thing is I know what I can do to stop myself from doing it again. Late nights + Stress + Internet = Failure.  The hard part is just going to be reminding myself that in the long run, giving up won't make my problems go away.  I. CAN. DO. THIS.

Hey Kiddo,

I'd like to point out a few things that might suggest SUCCESS, rather than the Failure word.

1.) You didn't lie to yourself or others about what happened. This is a big ol' marker on the path to success, not failure. You stumbled, admitted the stumble and got right back up. Failure is when you stumble, decide to stumble some more or simply don't admit it was a stumble.

2.) You know the triggers, but don't blame others or the situation. You know the everyday mayhem of living isn't going to disappear. There will always be stress and the means to return to the old ways, yet you did't fall into that trap and just give it up and stop posting.

3.) Compunction Junction. Compunction is the guilt, embarrassment of doing something wrong. Distilling that into fuel for continuing to drive your own destiny is just fantastic. I wanna learn this.

Let that light shine on,
SORP
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 16, 2014, 04:02:45 AM
Thanks SORP! I know you're right, but I'm still feeling bummed about it. Hubris is the word of the month, I guess. I was getting a little too cocky, looking at the numbers climbing up on my ticker. I do have a victory to report though! I was deleting my history yesterday, partly to stop a certain website from popping up when I went to type things into the search bar, and partly because I was just plain disgusted with myself. Anyways, I accidentally clicked on the website instead of clicking delete, so it popped up. But instead of allowing myself an "accidental glance" I threw my hands in front of the screen and clicked the X as fact as I could! I was so proud of myself! I didn't even hesitate, I just did what I had to do to stop it.  ;D

I think one of the main reasons I didn't make it last time was because I hadn't really put it in my head that it was the last time. I was just telling myself, see if you can get to the end of the month. Honestly, this time there is still that doubt in the back of my head saying, well if you're going to try again for May, why don't you just do what you want until then? So why don't I? Because porn is wrong. Because it destroys lives, marriages, and minds. Because I don't like who I am when I am watching porn. I don't like the dark places my mind goes after seeing image after brutal image. I hate that I automatically associate certain words with porn, and I can't separate that from my lexicon. I hate that I see women as objects. I hate that I waste my time watching porn when I could be out doing so many better things. I hate hiding part of who I am when I talk to my family. I hate that moment when I've accidentally seen too much, and I'm not sure if it's rape or staged, underaged or 'barely legal', assault or fetish. I hate that I have to ask myself why I was there in the first place. I hate that those images never, ever, ever leave my mind. I hate that I am the kind of person who experiences those problems and doesn't know what to do about it. I hate that pornography makes me feel weak and worthless.

I ran into another problem as well this week. The boy who abused me in high school happened to be the younger brother of by older brother's best friend. I never told anyone in my family what happened between us, so occasionally he still comes up in conversation. It's been a while since I heard about him, but my brother just told me that he got accepted to the same college that my little brother is going to.  He got all excited, saying he's going to befriend him, and the two groups of brothers can hang out together and stuff like that. I know I should say something, but I just can't. And it's been so long now that I don't want to drag up ancient history.  I've made my peace with what happened, I've moved on, I've healed. But it just stings so much to think of my brother being friends with a man like that. And I'm afraid that if I did come clean about what happened, then they wouldn't believe me. Or that they would say it's not a real thing, because technically there's not a name for that kind of thing.  I don't know. It's just a really stressful situation. I wanted to tell somebody about it, seeing as I can't tell them.    :-\
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 19, 2014, 04:33:46 AM
Woohoo! One week in! It's been a really good week so far, I've done well in my exams, I got a summer job, and I got closer with an old friend. I'm counting my blessings this week. I haven't been tempting myself with my addiction.  I'm also really proud of my boyfriend because he has kept his promise and stayed off of P all month so far. It means a lot to me that he's sticking with it even though I messed up. I hope he notices a difference for himself!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on April 19, 2014, 04:01:23 PM
Woohoo! One week in! It's been a really good week so far, I've done well in my exams, I got a summer job, and I got closer with an old friend. I'm counting my blessings this week. I haven't been tempting myself with my addiction.  I'm also really proud of my boyfriend because he has kept his promise and stayed off of P all month so far. It means a lot to me that he's sticking with it even though I messed up. I hope he notices a difference for himself!

Great news. Shine on!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: CyrusG on April 21, 2014, 10:18:58 PM
Kaybee,

I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 23, 2014, 08:44:09 PM
Kaybee,

I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.

Welcome to Reboot Nation, Cyrus! I hope you find everything you're looking for here. :)
You know, everyone says they never got in "as deep" as me, or that they had to exhale longer than usual after my story, and things like that. But really, I feel like everyone has their own rock bottoms. Sexcams were definitely mine, but I don't see that as any worse or any better than what other people have experienced. If that hadn't been the straw to break the camel's back, then something else would have been.  All of us Rebootinaters had that moment when we looked at ourselves and went, what's wrong with me? 

Anyways, I'm now twelve days in. Two more days and I'll beat my record! (Since I started keeping track anyway) Seeing as I have exams all week, and then I'm going away for the weekend, I'm pretty confident I can keep myself busy enough not to stumble!  The best part of this reboot process is that I feel so much closer to my fiance. I didn't even realize that I had been putting up a wall until I felt it coming down. I find myself thinking about him more often, and appreciating the little things that he does.  To all you Reboot Partners out there, I apologize on behalf of all of us. We honestly don't know how much we're holding back. But it feels soooo good to be supported! 
The hardest thing right now is that all the stress has been giving me acne like you wouldn't believe. On the bright side, my reflection is an automatic turn off whenever I get revved up! Hahaha, just kidding. But it's pretty bad.  Has anyone else experienced that?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 28, 2014, 02:03:08 PM
Alright, 16 days! I have beaten my record from my first reboot, and that feels pretty good. :)
I actually had a dream last night that I was watching porn. I was Skyping my fiancee, and he had bought 2 dozen yellow roses for our anniversary,  and he was being super romantic and sweet, but I kept switching tabs and looking at videos. Sadly, I have done similar things in real life, so when I woke up I wasn't 100% sure if it had happened or not. Thankfully, it was just a really stupid dream. It feels good to feel that part of me switching more "off" every day. I'm struggling with some insomnia though. I think it's mostly because I had made that my habit to watch some videos before going to sleep, and now I'm unaccustomed. I've switched to youtube videos, mostly makeup tutorials and documentaries, but I think I should stop that too. I should be able to be alone with my thoughts long enough to fall asleep.  Anyways, I was able to sleep in today and it's going to be a good day. :D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 30, 2014, 02:08:09 AM
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Orbiter on April 30, 2014, 06:52:15 PM
I can strongly relate to that right now Kaybee. It's most likely part of the withdrawals. In my experience, I tend to find around 14-20 days my mood starts to take some sharp swings and starts to become more stable and positive after.

Don't be discouraged, you're doing great! As long as you stay strong and push through it, it's only going to get better.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on May 07, 2014, 05:35:07 AM
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.

Less than a week and you will have met your first goal! Hang in there.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on May 07, 2014, 09:14:20 AM
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.

Talk to us!!  What's happening?!  Some of this is perfectly normal.  you no longer have the excitement of porn to distract you from the mundane of life.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Jverhoye on May 07, 2014, 09:49:44 PM
Hey K, what's going on?  Fill us in, whatever is happening.  You know we are all here and we are all supporting you, whatever is going on.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 12, 2014, 04:03:16 AM
I relapsed. It wasn't stress, or anything. It was pure laziness and not giving a fuck. After it happened, I didn't feel bad (but I didn't feel good either) and so I just kept doing it. At first I told myself that I wasn't going to reset my counter because it was just a one-time slip up / no big deal, but apparently if I give myself an inch I take a mile.
I tried looking at the women and asking myself who they were, and why they were there, but the devil's lies are strong and when I want to believe them, I do. 
I just feel really dumb. I wrote all that stuff about being strong, and gave myself all those reasons why I wouldn't do it again, but the second I really felt like it, I gave in. And then I didn't just give in once, but I let myself get carried away. I kept doing the same thing to trigger it, knowing full well how it would end. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend, and on myself.
The only victory I can find in this whole fiasco is that I didn't go back to the "hardcore" stuff. I put that in quotations, because we all have our own versions of what that is. But seriously, that is the only bright side here. That's like saying, 'thank God I'm only doing heroine instead of crystal meth!' 
So obviously, I'm still mad at myself and baffled as to why I did it in the first place. I was on a great streak, then I just gave up. Bravo to me.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 12, 2014, 10:48:57 AM
Kaybee,  Learn anything you can about your moods and triggers before your relapse. Then it is simple...first, forgive yourself. Simple...forgive yourself. Then start again. One hour at a time, one day at a time.
Forgive yourself. Learn what you can about what triggered your backslide. Move on. Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Keep up the good fight. You'll get there.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Dreieck on May 12, 2014, 04:56:14 PM
All the best kaybee, get up and move on, so what´s your new record?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 13, 2014, 02:05:17 AM
Thanks for asking, Dreieck, I hadn't really thought about it. I guess my new record is 18 days. Possibly 19 days, I can't recall for sure.
Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Thanks, Wanttobebetter, I actually really needed to hear that. I feel like I'm in this on my own, even though I have a very supportive fiancee, a great best friend who stands by me, and all of you guys cheering me on. It's great to be reminded of that.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on May 13, 2014, 12:10:49 PM
On the road to recovery there are many slips.  What separates the successful from those that fail is what you do AFTER the slip up.  Do you go back to your old ways or learn and move forward vowing to beat your old record.  You identified some key behaviors here which is great.  Next time you can be conscious of it.  For a lot of addicts acting BEFORE a trigger is key.  What are your triggers?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 13, 2014, 10:07:24 PM
Hi Kaybee,
The greatest gift each of us receives in recovery is the absolute realization that we are not alone. Twenty two years ago a bunch of strangers demonstrated to me that none of my personal stories were news to them. They'd all been there. All they wanted to do was listen to me and let me know I wasn't alone. And the more I listened to them the more i learned. It's been one day at a time but I haven't had a drink since. 
Same for you here in this place.  A bunch of strangers who know exactly what you're going through and offer total support and no judgment. Fall down...no problem...let us help you back up.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 15, 2014, 03:46:48 AM
On the road to recovery there are many slips.  What separates the successful from those that fail is what you do AFTER the slip up.  Do you go back to your old ways or learn and move forward vowing to beat your old record.  You identified some key behaviors here which is great.  Next time you can be conscious of it.  For a lot of addicts acting BEFORE a trigger is key.  What are your triggers?

You know, that's a great question. I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what my triggers are. Definitely sexy advertisements or scenes in movies, but there are other times when a thought just enters my mind and somehow leads to porn without me understanding how it gets there. (Wanttobebetter promised no judgement, so here goes) For instance, tonight at work I was leaning on a counter when a male employee walked by. He's very nice, but I'm not attracted to him sexually. However, the position I was in, and with him behind me, inevitably made me think of other scenarios that sent my mind racing. How can I control that? I didn't want to be thinking about it, but it was there. Even while I'm writing this, I make a conscious effort to sensor myself so as not to be a stumbling block for somebody, but another part of myself would be extremely 'turned on' to know that I had that power. I realize that it's totally sick to want to ruin another person's progress with their addiction, but those are the thoughts that I can't control that lead me to want to fantasize and watch videos. Even things like showering or getting dressed are problems for me, because I relate my own body so much to other women's bodies that I've seen, and that can set me off. That totally sounds like the height of narcissism, but my own body is a trigger. Honestly, what can I do about that? I feel like there is no way to avoid my triggers and I just have to face them full on, but that gets really hard, really fast. I feel tempted all the time. The only thing that stops me is conviction, but after holding off for so long, I just stop caring and let myself go and I wind up back at the bottom.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on May 15, 2014, 08:13:44 AM
Great response and I love your honesty!  I think you are relating to your body in the way that porn intends you to relate to your body.  It's called Self-objectification.  When men view porn they objectify women and when women watch male oriented porn the objectify themselves.  I have watched porn myself on plenty occasions while in my sexless marriage so I know how damaging that can be.  It's like a subconscious aspect takes hold that makes you think of yourself only as a sexual being, you are disconnected from your true self and your true internal being or soul.  You said you were not even attracted to that man yet you imagined yourself sexually with him.  This is the shadow side of divine femininity.  It is the height of self hatred.  Narcissism at it's core is about not having your needs met so you seek others to fulfill your need.  It sounds like you may have a need for significance perhaps? (we all have this need by the way).  How can you get this need met in a more constructive way?

Quote
but those are the thoughts that I can't control

This is the part which isn't true.  You have FULL control of your thoughts.  It takes practice with replacing sexual thoughts with something else but it can be mastered.  The world is designed to keep you in this hyped up sexual zombie state.  Imagine how much brain power you would have without those sexual or porn related thoughts?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 16, 2014, 01:10:49 AM
Right now I'm mad at my boyfriend and wanting to watch porn. Logic/reasoning, anyone?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on May 16, 2014, 06:44:17 AM
Right now I'm mad at my boyfriend and wanting to watch porn. Logic/reasoning, anyone?

How about addressing why you're mad with him?

Edit - Are you really mad at him or looking for a reason to break your reboot?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 16, 2014, 01:37:53 PM
No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me. :)

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on May 16, 2014, 01:51:14 PM
No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me. :)

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!

hang in there, it gets easier and a lot less weight on your mind!

You can do this!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 16, 2014, 03:20:21 PM
Thanks :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 17, 2014, 01:39:21 AM
I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on May 17, 2014, 12:49:58 PM
I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on May 17, 2014, 01:04:34 PM
Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 18, 2014, 01:07:42 AM
It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!

I sure do!  ;D

Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.
Thankfully I don't have any qualms about confessing when I've done wrong. I make it a habit to tell my fiancee even the littlest thing, like a customer flirting with me at work, just so I don't have that feeling of keeping a secret. I kept my sexuality and all of the things involved with that a secret for way, way, way too long and look how that manifested. I pretended to be the perfect virginal, innocent Christian girl with all of my friends and family, then took my clothes off for strangers at night. Nope. Not letting it go back there again!
Forgiving myself is always the hardest part. My man forgives me time after time, and never holds anything against me. I however, still obsess over mistakes I made in high school, or bad choices I made years ago. I don't feel like I can fully forgive myself until I beat this problem, because my mom always taught me that "sorry means you won't do it again".  As much as I can tell myself I won't flirt with guys, or dress provocatively with malicious intent, or go back to certain websites again, my track record indicates that I will. I need to kick this monster to the curb before I can trust myself enough to forgive myself.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 19, 2014, 03:17:49 PM
Okay, so day 10 brought with it random crying and a depressed mood, but I was ready for it. I said, this is a symptom not a reality, and I sucked it up and got back to work. My mind is playing over time right now, making up fantasies for everyone I see to make up for the lack of porn. This time around it's more annoying than troublesome. When half my brain is whispering "hey good looking, I'll ****** if you ****", the other half is screaming at it to calm down. What I need to work on is not letting myself slip into apathy again. I need to constantly remind myself why this is worth doing.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 21, 2014, 02:58:48 AM
Aaaaarg! Feeling so tempted! Time to shut off the computer and go to sleep!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Rainiegirl on May 21, 2014, 07:45:15 PM
do you like to read? When I quit porn years ago I found reading at my worst times helpful
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 22, 2014, 12:03:03 AM
Kaybee, your post on the 19th was great. Half your brain saying this and half your brain saying that has got to happen to all of us , especially until we get it sorted out and take control. Don't look for 100% yet. Tomorrow strive for catching your "hey good looking..." A second earlier, next week a few seconds earlier. I caught mysel today driving down the street and saw woman who's behind caught my eye. I consciously said to myself, "...stop that!" And one second later down the street thought, "It's working, I'm gaining."
Sharing your perspective as a woman is really helpful for me. I thank you? Keep talking and everyone will keep talking back and we will help you too! We are all in this together.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 22, 2014, 12:16:50 AM
That one tiny victory for me today was huge.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 24, 2014, 12:27:53 AM
do you like to read? When I quit porn years ago I found reading at my worst times helpful
I do like to read, that's a great idea!

Kaybee, your post on the 19th was great. Half your brain saying this and half your brain saying that has got to happen to all of us , especially until we get it sorted out and take control. Don't look for 100% yet. Tomorrow strive for catching your "hey good looking..." A second earlier, next week a few seconds earlier. I caught mysel today driving down the street and saw woman who's behind caught my eye. I consciously said to myself, "...stop that!" And one second later down the street thought, "It's working, I'm gaining."
Sharing your perspective as a woman is really helpful for me. I thank you? Keep talking and everyone will keep talking back and we will help you too! We are all in this together.

I read your suggestion when you posted it a couple of days ago and I've been thinking that now when I catch myself doing it. The best thing is that it's really not that hard to stop once I catch myself. The problems only begin when I allow them to.
I've been working a lot lately. This coming Tuesday will be my first and only complete day off this month. I feel really good about keeping busy. I'm tired, but it's a good kind of tired and I feel like I accomplish something each day. Back when my addiction was at its worst, I was only working around 20 hours a week and I still felt stressed all the time. I guess it shows what a difference applying yourself instead of locking yourself in front of a computer screen can make. I'm happier and more confident than I've felt in a while. The only stress in my life is that my fiance and I have had very little time to spend together. We have been arguing, but it's only little things that could be remedied by more emotional intimacy. It's tough because I know my second job is taking time away from him, but I also feel that it's taking time away from porn.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 24, 2014, 08:09:02 AM
Kaybee, great to hear it's working. I still find myself spotting an anatomy, or the hair, or the face, but now I immediately say to myself, "no! Don't do that!" It breaks the cycle of the moment. And that moment is one our minds have learned to seek and revel in over for years. Now we have to be stronger than that moment and make it stop right there. That object over there is a woman, not just a curvy anatomy! Selfishly, taking control of that moment really gives a sense of normalcy in my life which leads to increased self worth and self confidence. And it is also a great feeling to simply respect that other human being rather than  ogle and fantasize like the stereotypical hobo with nothing on under his raincoat.
The whole rewire is a total win. We win because we are taking back control. We win because the victory helps our image of self. We win because our brains are rewiring to see humanity, not just sexuality. And perhaps most importantly, we win because women win. Bless women. Bless the woman in my life. She brings me stability and guidance and balance. Now I will be able to give her undivided attention and respect and focused love.  I am clearly not there yet, but dammit I'm making strides and success comes from success!  I encourage others to try this approach. It is honest and it causes the pauses. And pauses are all we need, for now. Pauses give us moments to just think.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Questions on May 25, 2014, 11:13:43 AM
Hello, Im new to the forums, and I really need some help....could anybody here read my post that I made today in this section of the forums? I really need help...please...thanks
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Wanttobebetter on May 25, 2014, 11:59:46 AM
We're here for you, Questions. Where is your post ? Or just write your problems here and we can understand what ails you and your fears and get about giving you some help!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 27, 2014, 02:54:17 AM
Here we are, day 18!! :D This was around the same time I slipped up last time, so I am proud to report that I am going strong. I did have a little lapse in my mind today. I was reflecting to myself how I always used to search for the "perfect" video. I obviously never found it because the nature of pornography is to keep you searching for new images and to not settle with one image forever. But thinking of that made me remember two videos that I had considered "near perfect". I let myself remember them for around 30 seconds before I mentally slapped myself in the face. Then just now as I was writing this I remembered them again and allowed myself around 10 seconds. So thanks to Wantobebetter for the advice on stopping yourself quicker each time! I'm competitive, so making it a challenge like that really helps.
Now, I had made a comment on Question's journal talking about how I have been avoiding the topic of my watching lesbian porn. It was something that made me really uncomfortable as a heterosexual woman and I didn't know how to address it. I want to be clear that I am attracted to women within the context of pornography (which is designed to entice) and not in real life. I view this as a symptom of porn addiction, as it wasn't present in my life before that. I just think it's really funny that I was debating how to admit it when Questions left her comment, then I admitted it, and then this VERY NIGHT, I was flirted with by a lesbian woman! Never in my life have I experienced that, but it was a relief to me that other than being very flattered, I felt nothing for this woman who was admittedly very pretty. Talk about God's perfect timing and sense of humour! Admit it was a struggle and immediately be presented with an opportunity to overcome the struggle. LOL!  So suffice it to say that I feel more confident than ever that porn changed my personality, but I am changing it back.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on June 02, 2014, 02:50:50 AM
24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. :P 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on June 02, 2014, 11:16:50 AM
24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. :P 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?

Booya!!!!!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gabe Deem on June 02, 2014, 12:48:34 PM
@ Kaybee
Quote
24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. :P 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?

Congrats Kaybee! We are all rooting for you and believe in you. You and I both know life and pleasure are better experienced away from porn. Don't ever forget the fact that giving up porn is not about missing out on pleasure, but about experiencing more pleasure and joy.

You are doing great!

My advice on choosing a new goal is double it. Go for two months. Then four and so on. At some point I would stop setting a goal and except the mindset that porn is something you simply won't ever intentionally watch again because you simply do not desire it.

Much love
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Mojo on June 03, 2014, 10:15:48 AM
Hi Kaybee, read through much of your journal this morning.  So many of your posts hit the nail square on the head for me.  Thank you for sharing and good luck meeting your goals.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on June 08, 2014, 12:21:08 PM
;D  :o WOOPWOOP! :D  ::)
I did it! Thanks so much for supporting me through this first month, every body! I already feel like a different person than I did a month ago. I feel a lot less angry and frustrated, and I've noticed a difference in the way that I look at other people. I have urges to look at porn a lot less, and when I do it gets easier to say no.  I cannot believe how incredibly long this month felt. At the beginning of my reboot I said that it would be no problem to go a month without, but I was clearly wrong. It makes me wonder when the last time I went a full 31 days without porn really was. Scary! But I think you are right Gabe, I'm going to double my goal for this next portion. I should work towards my lifetime as the goal, but for right now the competitive part of me is enjoying the challenge of 62 days. Mojo, I'm sad and glad to hear that you relate to my journal. Sad because my story really sucks, and glad because I feel amazing right now and you have to chance to feel great too. Where are you at right now? Are you starting a reboot?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on June 08, 2014, 08:26:47 PM
I am so happy for you!!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gabe Deem on June 08, 2014, 08:58:21 PM
@ Kaybee
Quote
I feel amazing right now

Congrats on a month! Keep the ball rolling for 62.. and life. Remember the amazing feeling, because life has ups and downs, so it is important remember how you achieved your "ups" and what led to your "downs."
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on June 13, 2014, 01:54:36 PM
I've made a series of missteps lately, but fortunately none of them have ended in a relapse. Unfortunately, the images in my mind have come back and we all know how hard those are to get rid of. In the past 35 days or so I've only M'd 3 times, all without O-ing. The first 2 times I was able to keep my thoughts on my fiancee and I, but this last time an image came into my mind that was so disturbing it made me stop and cry. I am sick of having these thoughts. I thought I was over it. The idea that part of my mind would find that arousing disgusts me to my core. To try and get it out of my head, I resorted to looking at bikini pictures - bad call! I stopped myself after a minute and did not MO. So this has been a week of ups and downs, just like Gabe predicted.  Okay - what lead to my downs? M-ing, which was caused by flirting with men who I shouldn't have been looking at.  What lead to my ups? Sticking strong and not allowing myself to ruin all my progress. Learning how to say no to myself. Not letting myself slip into apathy again.
I dunno... still feels like downs. This image in my head is making me feel like I watched porn recently and I have trouble believing I didn't.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on June 14, 2014, 12:16:07 PM
This is what I like to call "extinction bursts".  When you are getting rid of a habit your brain will go through a sudden resurgence of stimuli to get you to go back to the "old ways".  It comes on strong and intense so you are doing amazingly well!!  Even though you made a poor choice to try and get rid of the image you managed to still hold strong. 

Those images will fade in time and don't judge yourself for it popping up.  YOU are in control now.  They aren't going to make you do anything and they aren't going to make you feel bad about yourself anymore.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on June 19, 2014, 12:41:37 PM
Right now it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is an addiction and I will never be able to go back to watching porn casually. As much as I hate everything about it, in this moment I also really miss it.
I told a friend about my porn addiction yesterday. He talks about porn constantly and is always making me cringe with his stories. I started by saying, "You know, porn addiction is a real thing. Do you ever think that you watch too much?" and he replied with something like, "You can never have too much!"  He changed the subject and after a while porn came up again and I said, "I have to be honest with you, I suffer from porn addiction, I'm 40 days clean, and you talk about porn waaaay too much". He went, "Are you serious?" then said, "Well you don't have to be ashamed, you know" which was very nice. But then he said that he figures only religious people like me are bothered by it, and we're the only ones who claim to have an addiction. So I told him about this group, and how there are a lot of guys here who quit because they got E.D. and he changed the subject so fast I got whiplash. I don't see him bringing it up again, and I kind of regret telling him.  :-\
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on June 19, 2014, 09:29:32 PM
Kaybee I would say your friend probably had a 'lightbulb' moment there when you mentioned ED.  He might be in YBOP right now ;)

Anyway I don't think you should feel bad about telling him.  Vulnerability and honesty are always the best policies when battling addiction.  Letting the light shine in, instead of the shadowy secrets is the way out.  You did great!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on June 29, 2014, 07:21:23 PM
Hi Kaybee
Thank you for sharing your story. It sure made it easier for me to give more detail on my story. Hope it is going good with your reboot.
I'm so glad to have read about how you just did not give up, and how you after each relapse just picked yourself up and went for it. Surely it is a great inspiration for everyone and all can learn a valuable lesson from it.
It's been a while since your last post. Hope that you are still keeping it up, especially now that you are so close to your 62nd day goal.
 8)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: lilnavadaa on July 02, 2014, 01:11:19 AM
Hello sister I too am a fellow christian and have felt that extreme shame of my involvement in porn read my story lilnavadaa life in darkness.. don't kill yourself that won't be good when u go before the Judge.. I have also felt that despair its sucks so badly.. NEVER give up!! Thank you for sharing your story ..really it helps with my struggle..

Good luck sister .. there is light:)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: LarrySheets on July 02, 2014, 01:13:57 PM
Right now it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is an addiction and I will never be able to go back to watching porn casually. As much as I hate everything about it, in this moment I also really miss it.
I told a friend about my porn addiction yesterday. He talks about porn constantly and is always making me cringe with his stories. I started by saying, "You know, porn addiction is a real thing. Do you ever think that you watch too much?" and he replied with something like, "You can never have too much!"  He changed the subject and after a while porn came up again and I said, "I have to be honest with you, I suffer from porn addiction, I'm 40 days clean, and you talk about porn waaaay too much". He went, "Are you serious?" then said, "Well you don't have to be ashamed, you know" which was very nice. But then he said that he figures only religious people like me are bothered by it, and we're the only ones who claim to have an addiction. So I told him about this group, and how there are a lot of guys here who quit because they got E.D. and he changed the subject so fast I got whiplash. I don't see him bringing it up again, and I kind of regret telling him.  :-\

You shouldn't regret telling him! I wish a girl friend of mine had brought that up with me. It would have moved me to start making changes years before I have. Good for you for being corageous!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on July 04, 2014, 05:53:42 PM
No worries, people! I'm still here and still going strong. I've been keeping myself busy and earning some extra money by working six or seven day weeks. Needless to say I have been way too tired to write a new post lately, but I have still been coming on here and reading journals. I've been listening to the YourBrainOnPorn radio show too; if you haven't heard it you should check it out. It's really cool to hear other people talking out loud about this issue.
5 days to go until I reach 2 months! I'm kind of in awe. It feels like so much longer.  The last update about my friend I told is pretty much in the same place still. We haven't had time to hang out lately, but we've texted so I guess he wasn't too weirded out. He hasn't brought anything up about porn though.

I had an interesting encounter three days ago. I work at a place that lets me meet a lot of people from all over the world, and I met three young women from Quebec. I was excited because I speak French but I don't have a lot of opportunities to use it. As soon as I finished my first interaction with them however, my coworker informed me that they were prostitutes. Apparently we get a lot of young women from Quebec, and nearly all of them are sex workers. I was so, so, so disappointed to learn that because I had really gotten along with them. Unfortunately as the night went on I saw them come back wearing skimpy outfits, with men following them. It made me realize that I have a very strong connection with women in that situation because of my experience with webcams. I see us as both being sex workers, which is something I never really thought about myself before. I just wanted to talk to them and make sure that they were okay, and to tell them that if they wanted to get out that there are ways to get out. I wanted to tell them about how I hated myself, and wanted to kill myself, but how I made a change and now I love my life. I called my fiancee and told him about them, and we prayed for them and I just started bawling. It made me realize that I have a need to help women in that kind of situation. I've always known that God allowed me to put myself through that horrible experience for a reason. I used to think it was so I could warn other girls, but now I wonder if I'm supposed to help sex workers. It's a scary thought, and I don't even know where I would begin!
On a personal level, I haven't been too tempted to watch pornography as of late. Obviously I've been tempted, but not TOO tempted. :P  I have been M'ing more frequently (#awkwardthingsyouonlyadmitonline) but I'm glad to say that the unwelcome images I mentioned before haven't come back. If my mind wanders it's because I'm allowing it to, and I can quickly make myself stop. I gotta say, it feels good to be back in control.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Viper on July 06, 2014, 11:02:12 PM
No worries, people! I'm still here and still going strong. I've been keeping myself busy and earning some extra money by working six or seven day weeks. Needless to say I have been way too tired to write a new post lately, but I have still been coming on here and reading journals. I've been listening to the YourBrainOnPorn radio show too; if you haven't heard it you should check it out. It's really cool to hear other people talking out loud about this issue.
5 days to go until I reach 2 months! I'm kind of in awe. It feels like so much longer.  The last update about my friend I told is pretty much in the same place still. We haven't had time to hang out lately, but we've texted so I guess he wasn't too weirded out. He hasn't brought anything up about porn though.

I had an interesting encounter three days ago. I work at a place that lets me meet a lot of people from all over the world, and I met three young women from Quebec. I was excited because I speak French but I don't have a lot of opportunities to use it. As soon as I finished my first interaction with them however, my coworker informed me that they were prostitutes. Apparently we get a lot of young women from Quebec, and nearly all of them are sex workers. I was so, so, so disappointed to learn that because I had really gotten along with them. Unfortunately as the night went on I saw them come back wearing skimpy outfits, with men following them. It made me realize that I have a very strong connection with women in that situation because of my experience with webcams. I see us as both being sex workers, which is something I never really thought about myself before. I just wanted to talk to them and make sure that they were okay, and to tell them that if they wanted to get out that there are ways to get out. I wanted to tell them about how I hated myself, and wanted to kill myself, but how I made a change and now I love my life. I called my fiancee and told him about them, and we prayed for them and I just started bawling. It made me realize that I have a need to help women in that kind of situation. I've always known that God allowed me to put myself through that horrible experience for a reason. I used to think it was so I could warn other girls, but now I wonder if I'm supposed to help sex workers. It's a scary thought, and I don't even know where I would begin!
On a personal level, I haven't been too tempted to watch pornography as of late. Obviously I've been tempted, but not TOO tempted. :P  I have been M'ing more frequently (#awkwardthingsyouonlyadmitonline) but I'm glad to say that the unwelcome images I mentioned before haven't come back. If my mind wanders it's because I'm allowing it to, and I can quickly make myself stop. I gotta say, it feels good to be back in control.


There is this saying that water seeks it's own level. Through your lens, these 3 young women seem
normal because for you at one point, that was normal. At least at the webcam level but even you say yourself you
were a sex worker of sorts in a way.

My advice on helping prostitutes is reaching out to organizations who's mission is to help these ladies turn their lives around.
It's not as easy as befriending them and trying to convince them that they're living a destructive life.

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on July 10, 2014, 03:56:22 AM
Quote
There is this saying that water seeks it's own level. Through your lens, these 3 young women seem
normal because for you at one point, that was normal. At least at the webcam level but even you say yourself you
were a sex worker of sorts in a way.

My advice on helping prostitutes is reaching out to organizations who's mission is to help these ladies turn their lives around.
It's not as easy as befriending them and trying to convince them that they're living a destructive life.

I didn't mean I think that being a prostitute is normal, I meant that they are just average women. If life had been different for them, they could have been anything and anyone. If you help them get away from the bedroom, they can be anyone the want to be. Conversely, any one of us, if placed in their situations, might have chosen the same career.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on July 10, 2014, 04:17:10 AM
2 months!!!  Did I think at the start of my reboot that I would get here? Heck yes, I thought it would be easy. The surprising part was how long it took, and how hard it really was. I think I thought that the start would be easy and it would get harder the longer I went, but it's turning out to be the opposite.  I just typed "some days I don't even think about porn", but I had to erase it. That's not true yet, but I feel like it will be in time. Each day has its ups and downs, with an overall trend towards recovery. I'm reading more, I'm working harder, I'm exercising ... I'm still putting off laundry, but nobody's perfect.... and I just feel all-around better about myself. I look in the mirror and don't think about other women's flat stomachs and awe-inspiring bottoms. I also don't think "BBW", I just think "Nice. Nice work, genetics."  Is that due to quitting porn? Who knows, but it's new and it's nice. 
So that friend I told about my addiction? He's probskies reading this update sometime soon. (Hey you! Thanks for supporting me!) We talked again, and he told me again how he doesn't think I need to be embarrassed to tell people. I know that in theory, but it's still nice to be reminded. Now the only thing I need to be embarrassed about is that I showed him my journal and then realized a few hours later that I totally have updates about M-ing..... Haha... Awkward!  Oh well, it's just good to have more support.  If you guys reading this haven't told anyone, I suggest doing so. It takes away that feeling of alienation, and honestly I think most people would understand. So far I'm shooting 3 for 3. Don't be a chicken, just do it!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on July 22, 2014, 01:54:15 AM
Kaybee

I am proud of your achievements!

You have gone through a lot and you are still hanging in there.

You are reaching your goal in a couple of days. What does the road look like for you going forward?

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on July 24, 2014, 02:16:25 PM
Well. I messed up.
This last week has honestly been one of the most stressful of my life. I broke up with my fiancee, then we got back together. My grandma, my favorite person in the world, died... and then came back to life.  I've been kind of (understandably I think) freaked out, and I handled it very, very badly. I ruined soooooooo much progress and I just can't believe myself. I was there! I was so close to 90 days! Then I told my fiancee about it and he was just like, "Oh that's okay. Don't think about it". And I was like, "It's not okay. If I was a heroin addict and I was almost 3 months clean and then went back to it as soon as I had a bad week, then you wouldn't be saying it was okay."  I don't think he realizes that this is a real thing. And that this is going to be the rest of my life now.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on July 25, 2014, 03:53:08 PM
Hi Kaybee

Sorry to hear about all your struggles and grief. I just want to comfort you!
It will not be the rest of your life. You have come a long way. You have been dealing with a lot of gunk in your life and a quick relapse will not undo all that you have accomplished.
It is like you are in your car on the road, lets say a journey of 500 miles.
Sure there will be bumps in the road.
Some times even pot holes.
Now say for example you have been dodging all of the pot holes and you were traveling for 450 miles and BANG!
You have just hit a pot hole but not just that, it flattened the tyre. OOPS What now.
Do you stop and change the tyre and go back 450 miles to start your journey all over again?
I don't think so!!!
Yes; you get in the car and continue the journey.
And this is exactly what you are going to do!
Sure you sit with a damaged flat tyre in the back of the trunk. But guess what...? You get in the car and carry on, and at the nearest gas station you get that damn tyre fixed.
Learn from what happened.
Identify your triggers and continue with life.

And for your fiancee, send him to hell in a way that he will look forward to the trip. :-(
NOOO don't do that just joking.

Obviously he does not understand how important this is for you.
Don't judge him, educate him!

Stay strong and be Blessed!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Bibbity on July 25, 2014, 10:01:06 PM
Kaybee if you were a recovering heroine addict and you were a successfully recovered you would have some relapse stories to share.  Relapse is part of the process, it's what you do after that defines you.  Make the relapse count by coming up with new ways to deal with stress.  You can't justify porn anymore, you don't want it in your life.

You are still doing well and look how far you've comd!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on August 07, 2014, 02:34:16 PM
I recently went back to the bible camp I work at every summer. I worked in the kitchens for a week instead of counselling because I didn't feel I was in a good enough place with God, or really myself to be much support to the girls. I didn't know what to expect and didn't know why I was going but I felt like I was supposed to go. I actually got a lot out of it. It was our teen camp, so the speaker was focusing on the tough issues that she felt teens needed to hear about. She talked about being sexually abused by a guy her age when she was in high school, among other things. She also urged the teens to think about bad influences in their lives, like pornography. You can tell porn's becoming a serious problem when it becomes a topic of conversation among pastors and teens at a bible camp. I talked to the speaker about my past, and she prayed for me, and I was able to let go of the anger I'd been holding onto for 8 years and forgive the boy who hurt me in high school. He was just a young boy trying to figure things out, and he went about it the wrong way. I have no reason to believe that he grew up to be a sexual deviant. I also told her about the sex cams, which is something I've never confessed in person before - (I just let my friends read about it, and my fiance knew before hand.)
The biggest thing that happened though was when one of the male counselors stood up at campfire one night and talked about his own struggle with alcohol and pornography addiction. I thought it was so brave and so honest for him to confess not only to the teens, but also to the other adults working there. (Many of us are long time friends, but I had never heard that side of him before) I was so thankful that I got to be there to hear him say that to those kids, and to not be ashamed of it. It made me feel more confident in talking about my struggle with porn addiction. The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on August 07, 2014, 04:30:32 PM
I recently went back to the bible camp I work at every summer. I worked in the kitchens for a week instead of counselling because I didn't feel I was in a good enough place with God, or really myself to be much support to the girls. I didn't know what to expect and didn't know why I was going but I felt like I was supposed to go. I actually got a lot out of it. It was our teen camp, so the speaker was focusing on the tough issues that she felt teens needed to hear about. She talked about being sexually abused by a guy her age when she was in high school, among other things. She also urged the teens to think about bad influences in their lives, like pornography. You can tell porn's becoming a serious problem when it becomes a topic of conversation among pastors and teens at a bible camp. I talked to the speaker about my past, and she prayed for me, and I was able to let go of the anger I'd been holding onto for 8 years and forgive the boy who hurt me in high school. He was just a young boy trying to figure things out, and he went about it the wrong way. I have no reason to believe that he grew up to be a sexual deviant. I also told her about the sex cams, which is something I've never confessed in person before - (I just let my friends read about it, and my fiance knew before hand.)
The biggest thing that happened though was when one of the male counselors stood up at campfire one night and talked about his own struggle with alcohol and pornography addiction. I thought it was so brave and so honest for him to confess not only to the teens, but also to the other adults working there. (Many of us are long time friends, but I had never heard that side of him before) I was so thankful that I got to be there to hear him say that to those kids, and to not be ashamed of it. It made me feel more confident in talking about my struggle with porn addiction. The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.

For many, this is a time of extreme vulnerability. You were very brave to talk to others. I really enjoyed reading your story.

A couple of things I want to point out about your story that are huge positive markers -

     You see this as a journey, not a destination. It is so important to view ourselves as incomplete and on a journey. We have something to look forward to and to seek. If everyone just grew to a point and stop, this whole living thing would be boring!

      You owned your addiction, it didn't own you. I have to think that telling others, face to face is scary for that addiction - not you.

       You recognize the struggle in others. It is humbling to be accepted with all our faults or to see how hard others struggle.

Great report!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on August 10, 2014, 01:24:18 AM
I really appreciate you guys who consistently respond to my posts. I know I'm not the best at doing the same for others, but I really feel supported when  I come home to read a new message cheering me on. You guys rock!   :D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on August 10, 2014, 01:07:52 PM
Hi Kaybee

I'm so glad you went to the camp. Like you said "The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment." and that is exactly how God work in our life's.
From personal experience I can tell you that I never ever thought that I would have the guts to admit that I'm addicted to porn. Not even to mention that I would stand up in front of others and talk about it. But the opportunity arises shortly after I started my reboot. Personally I think that it was a test from God to see what I were willing to do. I can say that I never had a more liberating experience in my life.
Since then I had the opportunity to talk to another guy about it. Without me knowing his dad organises mens camps and he said that he will talk to his dad as he feels that the fact that I talked to him about it shows that I will be capable to share it with other men, as they want to address this during their annual mans camp in April next year. Can you believe this?! Like I said, my first talking about it were like a test from God. Now He can use me.
This is the message I what to bring home to you. I believe you will be able to help others as well when the time is right. Wait and look for the opportunity and you will be surprised what can come out of this.

Stay strong and be Blessed!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on September 18, 2014, 09:10:02 PM
It has been a long time since my last post, but I am still on track! I'm getting closer to 90 days again, and I'm really holding myself to making it this time. That said, it is just as hard as the last times. I'm in a better place logically, and I have better ways of coping with it, but emotionally I still feel drawn to pornography.  The apathy has once again set in and started nibbling at the corners of my mind.
Something really uplifting happened a couple weeks ago. A girl that I used to counsel at camp sent me a message on Facebook, thanking me for talking to her many years ago. I had forgotten that I told her about my struggle with porn! This was years before I even fully admitted it to myself, and before I had any successful ways of coping. I remember that she hadn't shown up for chapel and I went to look for her, and she was sitting on her bunk crying. She told me that she was dealing with cocaine addiction and that she really wanted to leave camp so that she could go home and get high. She also confessed that she cut herself to help her deal with emotional pain. I was only 18 or so at the time, and I didn't know what to say or do so I just started talking about the problems in my life and how I depended on God to help me out with them. She ended up going home later that night or the next morning, and I thought I failed. Then I got this message a few weeks ago, like 5 years later, telling me that she just remembered what I talked to her about, and it made her decide to try rehab again. She said that knowing that you don't have to be perfect to talk to God, and that Christians deal with addiction too made her feel like she could do it. She thanked me over and over again, and I just cried and cried. Honestly, I always wondered if that part of my life was inappropriate to share with her, and if I could trust her to keep my secret. Turns out that moment was not about me.
PEOPLE! TELL YOUR STORIES! Your pain will help someone else heal!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on September 18, 2014, 09:27:56 PM
That is awesome Kaybee. Truly uplifting.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on September 18, 2014, 10:49:05 PM
Amen Sister

I'm so relieved to hear from you! you got me stressed out but glad to hear you are on track.

Very significant story that you shared. Inspiring and worth remembering.

Stay strong and receive the blessing!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on September 27, 2014, 03:32:21 AM
Last night I was sexually assaulted. In the hospital while I was waiting for my inspection, I decided that this time I will tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of myself.  I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. This will not ruin the life I am making for myself.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on September 27, 2014, 04:07:27 AM
Last night I was sexually assaulted. In the hospital while I was waiting for my inspection, I decided that this time I will tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of myself.  I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. This will not ruin the life I am making for myself.

Kaybee It isn't your fault. Hugs to you. I hate this happened, but you are not to blame.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gracie on September 27, 2014, 06:07:25 AM
Most definitely not your fault.  Is there a rape crisis center where you live?  There may be someone through the hospital as well.  Talk to them as you get your brain wrapped around this.  Remember, you did not ask for this, he chose to break the law.  PM me if you want to talk.  I work at a center.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on September 28, 2014, 02:41:10 PM
HI KAYBEE

This is sad, SAD news...! :'( The moment I read it I offered a prayer for you!

We all know it is not your fault and that you were taken advantage of, and that you were humiliated.
Wish I had more words of encouragement.
You decided to tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of you. This is absolutely the right thing to do.
Stay strong, I will continue to pray for you!

Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on September 29, 2014, 02:02:56 PM
Most definitely not your fault.  Is there a rape crisis center where you live?  There may be someone through the hospital as well.  Talk to them as you get your brain wrapped around this.  Remember, you did not ask for this, he chose to break the law.  PM me if you want to talk.  I work at a center.

Thanks Gracie. Yes, we have a great centre here and there is a program set up for free counselling. I will be organizing that soon. Right now my biggest concern is managing school. This happened just outside of my university campus, and I have been too freaked out to go back yet. I know that it won't happen again, especially during class times, but there is the chance I will run into the man who did it. That's scary.  :-\

Thank you for the support, you guys. I know that this isn't really what the site is for, but I needed to talk about it and you guys know the whole complicated and confusing story of my already messed up sexuality. I totally did not need this. I keep dwelling on the fact that 2 out of the 3 men I have had any kind of sexual contact with have abused me. How is that fair? It's not, and it makes me angry. Thanks for the prayers. It's been hard for me to say any.

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: STR on September 29, 2014, 03:15:34 PM
Quote
I keep dwelling on the fact that 2 out of the 3 men I have had any kind of sexual contact with have abused me. How is that fair? It's not, and it makes me angry.

It's not fair, but it probably isn't surprising, either. Men who sexually abuse others are no doubt sexual addicts of one kind or another, and their abuse is no doubt a form of acting on their addiction(s). I think it's probably true that most men are sexual addicts, such that if you are having sexual contact with a man, you are more than likely having sexual contact with an addict whose addiction might lead to abuse.

I am fortunate that my addictions never led me to abuse anyone other than myself, but if I were to guess, I would probably conjecture that sex addicts who abuse others don't actually enjoy the abusing as much as they think they will. The reality is probably never as good as the fantasy, but the appeal of the fantasy drives them to keep abusing time after time in search of fulfilling something that can never be fulfilled.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on September 29, 2014, 08:03:14 PM
Sorry to hear what happen, Kaybee and I hope your ok.
Make sure you do tell and file an official complaint so that this person does not have a chance to do this again.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on September 30, 2014, 06:17:41 PM
It's hard. It was someone I thought to be a friend. I don't know if he  will do it again, Ii think he thought I wanted it.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on September 30, 2014, 06:58:41 PM
It's hard. It was someone I thought to be a friend. I don't know if he  will do it again, Ii think he thought I wanted it.


 
I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. 

Dear Kaybee,

You said no to him, and he kept going? Don't begin to doubt yourself now my dear. The fact he may have thought you wanted it is irrelevant. You said no.

I know its a tough path to walk reporting a sexual assault, but if you allow him to get away with it this time, he'll do it to you or some other girl again. I know this kind of puts you under pressure to act and report it, but at the end of the day, it's entirely your call to make.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Rider 

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on September 30, 2014, 11:05:39 PM
Kaybee

I can not agree more with what Rider are saying.

Doing the right thing are not always easy.
Just look at all our rebooters. We went astray, but are now on the right path.
But boy o boy, it is tough!!!

You know the saying, allow me to remind you of it...
Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.
Acting now might save someone else a lot of heartache in the future as well.
Apart from what you are going through. I mean it is first and foremost going about how you were violated.
Even if it will never happen to someone else. It happened with you and you MUST act.

My prayers are with you!
Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on October 01, 2014, 05:22:40 AM
Sorry to hear what happen, Kaybee and I hope your ok.
Make sure you do tell and file an official complaint so that this person does not have a chance to do this again.

Kaybee. Rape has nothing to do with sex. It is violence, a violation of your rights as a human being. It is also a crime. Do not confuse the two.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 02, 2014, 09:01:29 PM
I understand what you guys are saying, and it's the same thing I would tell someone else in my situation, but I just want to put it all behind me and forget about it. I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow... I don't really know what to expect. I haven't cried about it since the day after it happened and I feel weird about that because I usually cry about everything. I'm afraid I have a shield up that's going to fall down when I'm not expecting it. My very good friend (the one I told about my addiction) has been helping me out a lot. The assailant was a friend of both of us, and after it happened I went to his house for help so he saw me at my worst.  I've told my brothers and my parents about it, but I can't talk about it with them. I'm terrified of the expression on their faces. I still feel completely baffled by the whole situation. I wrote the assailant a letter, but I probably won't send it. Right now it just helps that I have a friend to talk things over with. I can't imagine doing this alone, or trying to hide it. I wish I had been so open with my pain when I was in high school. Who knows, maybe it could have stopped my porn addiction? It helps to think that this healing process is helping to stop something like that.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gracie on October 02, 2014, 09:33:13 PM
K, just want you to know that your reactions are absolutely normal.  It may feel like you are going crazy, but I assure you that is not the case.  Perhaps with time you may be able to tell your family.  Just remember it is your story to tell when you choose to tell it.  Your counselor may have a handout of some sort for your family on how they can most help you.  The center may also have counseling available for them so they can better understand your experience.  It is good that you have someone to talk to.  Take only one day at a time in your recovery. 
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on October 02, 2014, 10:38:48 PM
Kaybee,

I feel for you Kaybee. Just remember as was proved in the recent Rolf Harris sexual assault cases. You can make a complaint years later if need be. I would suggest documenting your version of the assault so you can recall later with precision if need be.   
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on October 03, 2014, 11:24:10 PM
Just wanted to let you know someone was thinking kind thoughts for you today. I hope counseling went well.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on October 07, 2014, 05:40:46 PM
Kaybee

My heart are still aching for you. Glad there are so many good advice given to you. I really lack the skill and knowledge to be of good help in giving advice.
The best I can do is keep on praying for you.

Be blessed Sister, I know it is tough and this might not sound like what you want to hear now...
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Therewolf on October 14, 2014, 11:28:38 PM
Dear Kaybee,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey here.  I think that you are a very strong person who has had to deal with some terrible events in your life so far.

I want to reassure you that we're all here for you and thinking of your well-being. 

Sometimes our troubles can pile up in a very short period of time and it can seem like everything is conspiring against us.  I know that it's very difficult right now, but try to stay focused on your recovery.  Specifically, picture yourself beating your addiction and how good that will feel; letting go of all the bad things that you're feeling right now.

Take it one breath at a time and know that it gets easier with practice.  ;)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 18, 2014, 11:20:49 AM
Thank you guys all so much for your support. It really means the world to me that complete strangers are concerned about my well-being. I haven't been writing, but I've been checking your replies. One of the things that my assailant took away from me was my sense of trust. My motto actually used to be, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" (which, if you've seen Streetcar, is pretty ironic right about now) and I really wish that was still true. I never had a reason to mistrust people before, and now when I'm talking to a man my age, I get a little scared and that just kills me because I know he is probably just a nice man.
I've seen a therapist twice now, I wish I could see him more but he only likes to meet every two weeks. It's been really helpful to talk about what I'm feeling with someone who doesn't love me. I feel bad to bring it up with my family because it just hurts them to think about it. There's actually a part on the paperwork for the counselor that asks about addictions.... I checked yes, but when he asked me about it I said I didn't want to talk about it yet. I don't know, what do you guys think? I know, as a sexual addiction, it's probably pretty important to mention. But on the other hand, I just want to focus on getting past the rape and I don't want him to obsess on the porn addiction. I feel like I'm handling it very well. Especially since the assault, I haven't really thought about porn at all. I was really afraid that it would be a trigger but it's had the opposite effect. The last time I was in an abusive situation I thought it was my fault, and I internalized that and shamed myself and punished myself with the web cams because I thought that was all that a girl like me was good for. This time I realize that it's not my fault, and I can still be anyone I want to be. The same goes for porn. If anything, this has strengthened my resolve that porn is evil. I definitely do not need to see any more abuses taking place.

You guys aren't going to like this, but I talked to my rapist.
I feel really, really good about that. I feel more powerful and human again.
The main thing that was tearing me up about not talking to the police was that I didn't know if he would do it again to another girl. I felt pretty sure that this was just a one-time horrible decision that he made, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if he understood what he had done. (He definitely didn't realize it was my virginity he was stealing). So. One night I was supposed to go to a bar with my friend C, who was the one who drove me to the hospital, so he knew everything that was going on. C called his other friend to see if he was at the bar already, and he was and he was with my rapist. At this point, C and I were already outside of the bar. We freaked out and went next door to get ice cream instead while we decided what to do. I had already written that letter to my rapist and I was seriously considering sending it, so I said that I wanted to talk to him. Obviously C tried to talk me out of it, because he thought that would be a really bad idea. I said that I needed to, and I texted my rapist and told him to meet me outside. He came out and lit up a cigarette and was kind of like, "So? You wanted to talk?"  And as I talked to him I realized that he was trying to convince himself that it had never happened. He was like, "I'm not even sure it really happened." And I said, "How can you not be sure where you put your penis? I'm definitely sure".  And he said, "Well if that's true then I'm really sorry, and I understand why you hate me, but I don't know what you want from me now". And I very calmly told him that I was a virgin, and that he had made me bleed for three days, and that what he did was rape and that it had seriously messed me up and freaked me out.  He started crying. He said that he was trying to not believe it, and that the thought of that would haunt him every night. He honestly couldn't believe what he had done. He said, "Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" I told him that it didn't matter if I was a virgin or not, and that if someone said NO, then it was wrong to do that to them anyways, and that he should always, always, always get consent before assuming that every girl you invite over wants to sleep with you.
I seriously feel so good about that. I now feel confident that he won't ever do it again. And the image of him crying about what he did makes him seem so much more human now. I know that he's not some monster walking around, he's just a really stupid and inconsiderate college boy who made the biggest mistake of his life. I hope he tells guys what he did, and is a lesson to them. I feel like I took this situation back into my own hands, and now I can walk around with my head held high, and he should walk around with his head hung in shame. It's fantastic. I think that was the biggest step I could have taken in my healing.  I know that a lot of you probably still think that I should go to the police, but I don't feel like the punishment fits the crime. He would be expelled, and deported if the charges went through. It would completely ruin his life. And you know what? He's an asshole, but he didn't ruin my life.  I know I don't owe him anything, but I think that the knowledge that he is a rapist is enough to punish him. Trust me, I saw the expression on his face. I got my justice.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Username on October 19, 2014, 03:43:57 AM
I've never heard such a story before, and I have to admit that I'm deeply impressed. The way you faced that man was courageous and yet well-thought. I'm quite lost for words. The most important thing about it, I guess, is that you feel you can  now close that chapter for yourself. I'll tip my hat to you!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Dreieck on October 19, 2014, 07:50:15 AM
Wow, i´m speechless

a hard decision you made there and i think you made it all right. if there´s a safe way for you that you can tell him that than it´s perfect and you confronted him with your feelings and he tried to understand.

Kaybee you´re awesome, i hope you take you´r time to reflect everything and protect yourself the right way

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 20, 2014, 10:12:27 PM
90 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ;D I can hardly believe it!!!!  ;D   This amazing!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Therewolf on October 20, 2014, 10:59:04 PM
Great job!!!!!!!! ;D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on October 21, 2014, 03:48:44 PM
Congratulations on 90 days Kaybee  :D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 25, 2014, 01:18:49 PM
I'm so freaking proud of myself I can barely contain it. I've been strutting around like I own every building I walk into. I had another counselling session yesterday and some of the words I used were "powerful", "triumphant", and "beautiful".
It feels so good to be in charge of my own thoughts, and my body.
Porn isn't dragging me down and controlling my thoughts and desires anymore. Am I ever going back? Hell no.
I'm stronger than rape, stronger than addiction, and stronger than anything else life can throw at me.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: rider654321 on October 26, 2014, 11:50:12 PM
Well done Kaybee.

You certainly deserve to feel proud.  ;)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 28, 2014, 01:51:58 AM
Every time I pick myself up, someone feels the need to kick me back down.
I'm writing this from my phone, even though it's taking forever, because somebody somewhere decided to take away yet another of my basic rights. Privacy. Some a-hole has hacked into my laptop and taken over  my webcam. I discovered it recording me when I entered my room after having a shower  yesterday. Luckily I noticed it before I took off my towel, but I have no idea if this was the first time. Like I really need  to worry about naked pictures or videos of me online.. I still have nightmares about the other ones showing up. If this is somehow related, which my fiancé and friend both tell me is extremely unlikely but I' m still worried, I don't know what I  would do. How many sick perverts are in this world? Why am  I consistently a target? Am i delusional? Is this just what it's like to be a young woman now? Fuck! I did not need this, and I especially did not need this right now. I barely started getting back to school work after the rape, and now I have to sorry about this along with the added pleasure of no laptop. Hurray.  Well. At least no laptop makes abstaining from porn all the easiser? I am seriously furious though. Just furious.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on October 28, 2014, 05:25:10 AM
Every time I pick myself up, someone feels the need to kick me back down.
I'm writing this from my phone, even though it's taking forever, because somebody somewhere decided to take away yet another of my basic rights. Privacy. Some a-hole has hacked into my laptop and taken over  my webcam. I discovered it recording me when I entered my room after having a shower  yesterday. Luckily I noticed it before I took off my towel, but I have no idea if this was the first time. Like I really need  to worry about naked pictures or videos of me online.. I still have nightmares about the other ones showing up. If this is somehow related, which my fiancé and friend both tell me is extremely unlikely but I' m still worried, I don't know what I  would do. How many sick perverts are in this world? Why am  I consistently a target? Am i delusional? Is this just what it's like to be a young woman now? Fuck! I did not need this, and I especially did not need this right now. I barely started getting back to school work after the rape, and now I have to sorry about this along with the added pleasure of no laptop. Hurray.  Well. At least no laptop makes abstaining from porn all the easiser? I am seriously furious though. Just furious.

Duck (Duct) tape. On. The. Lens.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on October 28, 2014, 04:02:15 PM
Hi Kaybee

Since we are on vacation and not having the luxury of internet access on a regular basis I have been missing out on a lot. So I'm going to take it in sequence.

Firstly, I'm proud of YOU!!! The action you took in the decision of facing your offender is awesome. It took a lot of courage but sure you kicked his ass. This sure was not easy! I know... but it was the right thing to do. You acted according to Scripture and it worked! Praise God for that.

The 90 day free from PMO... WOW!!!
This is great and yes going back is no option.
Once a person has tasted the sweet reward of being PMO FREE why should he / she go back...?
There is more to life than PMO!

Sorry to hear about the attack on the laptop. Sure there are a lot of sick people out there! I'm just glad that you found out about it.

Just a little caution, I would not recommend sticking any duct tape over the webcam lens, the glue will be difficult to get off and may damage the lens. rather take something like a band aid and let the soft part cover the lens.

Then it will be a good idea to let some expert take care of it when you have the funds to get it done.

Over all, you are doing great and we all are happy for you!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 29, 2014, 01:29:24 AM
PMOVictory, I feel so honored that you would take time while on vacation to reply to me. That in itself is a blessing :) As for the duct tape, I already put a post it note over the lens and took  it into a free IT service on my University campus. He suggested going to the police, "but its my choice". Sound familiar? No one ever says that to victims of  theft or something like that.... Just saying.  Anyways, I guess I'll do that tomorrow but I don't know what they will find. One they're done with it, I have to get it all redone.  I'm not furious tonight, just mildly indignant.
I did want to mention that I shared a poem with my counselor that I wrote about my experience, and he really liked it and asked if he could share it with other women going through the same thing. I love to think that my words could help someone heal. :D that would be pretty sweet.   

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on October 30, 2014, 12:59:10 AM
Kaybee

Thank you for your kind words.

Since getting off PMO myself I have this passion for helping others getting off it as well. I am busy preparing a series of presentations that I will be presenting in the near future at mens and woman christian camps, for a start. This coming Friday and Saturday I will do a life recording on DVD of my presentations. This is a God send, as I did not plan on it, and are still on vacation, but it will be done professionally and believe it or not free of charge. Then I would be able to give it out as well to others in need. This is what the Lord are doing in my life since ridding this secret vice out of my life.
As a matter of fact I was busy researching some more just before logging in on to RN to see how all the rebooters are doing.
Would you mind sharing your poem with me. I will give you credit for it, it might be something that I can use and also by that help and inspire others. You could PM it to me.
Apart from that, I am happy that you are doing so great with the reboot and everything that has come your way.
As I know you are a Christian I would like to share the following with you.
1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Now if you look at the original Greek of the word escape. According to the Strong's dictionary.
Escape g1545. ἔκβασις ekbasis; from a compound of 1537 and the base of 939 (meaning to go out); an exit (literally or figuratively):— end, way to escape.
AV (2)- way of escape 1, end 1;
 an egress, way out, exit applied figuratively to the way of escape from temptation the issue referring to the end of one's life Heb 13: 7 refers not only to end of physical life, but the manner in which they closed a well spent life as exhibited by their spirit in dying
( STRONG)

You can see that a way will be provided to get out of the situation.
And if you look at the original Greek of the word bear.
Bear g5297. ὑποφέρω hypopherō; from 5259 and 5342; to bear from underneath, i. e. ( figuratively) to undergo hardship: — bear, endure.
 AV ( 3)- endure 2, bear 1;
 to bear by being under, bear up ( a thing placed on one's shoulders) to bear patiently, to endure
( STRONG)

So to sum it up:

With the temptation a way out of it will be provided. And you will be able to endure it.

I hope this will give you some encouragement and that it might also help others as they may read it.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: shake19 on October 30, 2014, 07:09:21 AM
Hi kaybee!

Congratulations on your 90 days out of PMO! It is healing for me to see how the others win their lifes back after such an addiction.

Concerning those weirdos who want to spy on you - the easiest way is to format your computer and forget about them.

Live your beautiful life that you've earned.

Congratulations again and keep being awesome. :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on October 31, 2014, 02:54:11 AM
I would love to share my poem with you,  PMOVictory! Thank you so much for asking.  I'll send it to you once I have a real computer for typing again.  And I wish you the best of luck on your videos. Is there any possibility to share those on the site? They sound like they could be very informative. It's so amazing to see God arrnage things to suit his will. What à blessing! And Shake, I'm  so glad you're back with us!
PS ... 100 days! Triple digits! :D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on October 31, 2014, 10:46:54 PM
Thank you Kaybee, I really appreciate it.

Due to some preparations that I still need to do, the recordings will only happen on Sunday, this is great coz it will give me time to put the final touches to the presentations. If for whatever reason you get chance to let me have that poem before then I could possibly use it as well.

One thing I forgot to mention regarding 1 Corinthians 10:13 where it says "who will not suffer you to be tempted". This suffer in the original Greek means, and you will not believe it... Here it comes... leave, let alone
Now this is great news. You see God through His Son are as a result of our pain and heart ship not leaving us to suffer all by ourselves. When my Saviour see me suffer He aces with me as a result of the heart ship that I am enduring.
WOW! What a promise from a loving God that we serve!

Stay strong and be Blessed sister!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: justaguy on November 03, 2014, 01:56:56 PM
Hi, thanks for your post. I'm sorry you have had to deal with those guys. That's one reason I want to be pmo free, I respect women and I want to be able to see the person they are, not just their body. P.S. you find out who the is hacker and I'll pay him a visit he won't forget lol.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Nessie on November 06, 2014, 05:40:36 PM
Hi guys! First of all sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language!

Even if I found this useful site almost 3 months ago I've created my account just now to say that your story Kaybee really impressed me! I will continue to read your posts because they tell the story of a beautiful person, the kind of person that God especially loves and one from which I probably have only to learn from.
Moreover your strength and joy are giving me hope and help to definitively overcome my M addiction.

I'm a Christian too and I will for sure remember you in my prayers!!!

Please continue to share your story with us!

Could God bless you!  :)

Nessie
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 11, 2014, 11:23:29 AM
It's great to have you here Nessie. :) I hope this site is a blessing to you, and whatever specific struggles you're going through.

As for my computer, it's up and running again. It was hard to find help, as most people I went to had never heard of the problem before. I'm fairly sure my computer is safe now, and I'm keeping the sticky note up in front just in case. 

I slipped up a little the other day. I didn't watch porn, but I did play a game with sexual images that I knew would excite me. I've let myself play it a couple times before, and I've told myself that it's not so bad because it's not a video, and it doesn't depict sex. I realize that it's something I run to when I'm stressed though, and it's clearly not healthy for me. I'm not going to reset my counter but I felt it was important to be honest with myself and with you.

My fiance and I broke up. You may have noticed he was mentioned less in my posts of late, and that's because this has been a long time coming. We both love each other very much, but our situation was impossible. We were long distance for almost three years, and last year I only got to see him in person for 18 days. I decided that I don't want to pretend that it's going to work out anymore, when there is no solution anywhere in sight. I will forever be grateful to him for helping me to love myself again after the cams. He was incredibly nonjudgmental and encouraging and he gave me the love and respect that I was mistakenly trying to find there.

I'm seriously stressed and unhappy right now. I know that it was my choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. Even after all of my progress, I find myself thinking about old videos I watched. I even thought briefly (for like one second) about going back to the cams. Never. But the thought is still there, and it scares me.  I'm going to try and focus on my school work instead. I have this week off, and I know it can either be very productive with my homework, or very destructive with my laptop. I'm going to make it productive!

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Yelashade on November 11, 2014, 12:56:45 PM
Hey Kaybee,

I know I'm relatively new, but firstly I wanted to say congrats for hitting your 90 day target! I'm using you as some form of inspiration to hit my own target, especially considering the circumstances in which you came here.

I'm sorry to hear that you broke up with your fiance, but I'm glad that you've made a sensible and thought-out decision. Perhaps your mind is wondering because, well for one you've hit your 90 days and you feel like you've got nothing else to aim for in this respect, but also the comfort of your relationship has now gone? Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 11, 2014, 05:31:33 PM
Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea :)

That's a good idea, Yelashade. I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings now that I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\
I'm glad to have you here. I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later. What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Yelashade on November 11, 2014, 06:14:25 PM
Quote
I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later.

Thank you for reading my journal, I'm quite flattered haha. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Quote
I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings

There, you've said it yourself. Dance interests you and you have the time element on your side. I'd say just take the plunge and go for it. You'll find yourself on a good high for the day in general and you have the opportunity to expand your social circle, which contributes to your reboot/rewiring!

Quote
I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\

I've recently come out of a relationship and I don't need to tell you that it's far from an easy process to deal with. The best way to deal with it is to:
Quote
What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?

Fortunately, I'm not from similar circumstances, yet I feel like I can relate to you well! I suppose that, because you've been through so much, what with the cams and the secrecy with porn etc. and you STILL managed to make it to your 90 days, I have no right to complain about how difficult my situation is. Sure, it's not ideal, but I've not had the sexual abuse and the other fears you've had to deal with come my way. I'm getting close to my half way point and I'm ready to fight this thing off once and for all :D
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 13, 2014, 03:08:07 AM
I'm going crazy today! I've been so tempted to look at P! More than I have in the last 80 days or so! I don't know if it's the stress, or playing that game, or just thinking about P. I don't know that anything in particular has been triggering it, it just keeps popping into my head. I'm so tempted to M to get rid of the urges, but I'm afraid that if I do then the images will start flooding into my mind. Aug! All this free time is definitely not good for me. I tried to spend as much time as possible with my parents today to keep my mind off of it. I need to think of a better coping method quick or I know I'm going to slip up!!!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 13, 2014, 06:17:19 PM
Well I made it through that particular crazy window of withdrawals. I ended up going out for coffee with a friend until 5 am! By the time I can home I was too tired to even think of anything but sleep. It's a good thing I have some crazy people in my life to keep me occupied.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on November 13, 2014, 09:04:07 PM
Hang in there, Kaybee. Thinking of you.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on November 14, 2014, 12:34:46 AM
Kaybee you are doing great.
I'm still very proud of you and to know that you have come a long way.
Yes you will have urges.
Yes you have things to deal with, e.g. the emotional stress of breaking up with the BF, etc.
All of this will be like triggers to go back to PMO.
Glad for you that there are crazy friends that can occupy you.
I seriously think that you must start this dance, hobby, activity, stress reliever. It can only be good for you!

I'm so happy that you pulled through the serious urges. Obviously, keeping on thinking about it does not help soooo... keep your mind occuplied with the positive things and activities.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing! 8)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 15, 2014, 04:45:16 AM
Well, I was left alone today. The entire day. I had a one hour break from my solitude to see my counselor who was of no help. I'm being harsh, but I only get to see him for one hour every two to three weeks, and if he talks the whole time I get a little pissed. I mentioned I was afraid of slipping back into my addiction, and he chose to focus instead on my fear of moving out. I tried to bring it back to my addiction a couple times and he didn't offer me any immediate advice for dealing with it.
So what did I do? I went home, cried, poured myself a shot at 4:30 in the afternoon, drank it, looked at the empty glass and asked myself what the hell I thought I was doing. Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself. I got up and masturbated, completely emotionlessly, then went back and sat on the couch and watched another movie, and opened a box of crackers.
I feel like I have no idea how to cope with my life any more. I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit. I seriously considered going back to Chatroulette last night, which was where I started my downward spiral last time. I know it's bad for me, but I also know that if a woman goes on there she is persistently flattered and adored in the hopes that she'll take her clothes off. That in itself is an addictive feeling. I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from. My ex-fiance loved me completely and I let that go, that was my choice. I don't know why I suddenly feel like I'm worthless. I should feel proud of myself for making a hard choice, that's how everyone else is looking at the situation. I just honestly feel so alone and unloved right now, and I know that's not true, but it's how I feel and I can't get myself out of it.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: justaguy on November 15, 2014, 07:33:13 AM
Hang in there, it's hard I'm sure. Do it for yourself and so that when you meet Mr. Right you will be ready for a real relationship. I ruined 2 relationships because of PMO, there's nothing I can do to change that. Don't give in, you can beat this.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Yelashade on November 15, 2014, 04:22:51 PM
Quote
Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself.

Maybe you should plan what you're going to do for the next day the night before. It's a good way of making sure you get things done and, even if you're upset or down in the dumps, you have some sense of purpose for the day.

Quote
I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit.

I think you should stop using Tinder as a distraction because 1. you have just gotten out of a long term relationship with someone and 2. it's acting as an alternate form of artificial stimuli. After a period of time (and you'll know when), you can use it if you're serious about getting men.

Quote
I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from.

Who doesn't love attention from the opposite sex (if you're straight)? As a girl, it is very easy for you to obtain that and, when you're feeling vulnerable, it's an easy fix to your problems. To avoid this, I would suggest that you keep yourself as distracted as you possibly can. It's so easy to say because that pathetic, numb, sinking feeling you get when you're down in the dumps is difficult to waver mentally and it could take hours to come out of. I think you need to constantly remind yourself about why you're doing this and that your reactions/feelings are just part of the withdrawal process.

I know what I said is stuff that you can figure out for yourself, but I think it's nice to hear it from someone else to validate its importance. Hang in there, Kaybee, you've done really well so far! :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on November 16, 2014, 03:33:58 PM
Hi Kaybee

You are a strong woman, You are just in a tight spot with a lot going on.

Yelashade has offered good advice. Maybe even better than my best attempts so read it again and get re-focused.

Stay strong and be BLESSED!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 22, 2014, 03:07:30 AM
Joke from my friend C that I thought you guys would like. When he told it, there was no lead up and I thought we were about to have a very serious conversation:

"So I think I've been masturbating too much. I went to the doctor for a physical the other day and she was like,"Wow, C, you really need to stop masturbating!" And I said, "Why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!" "

I just laughed and shook my head and said, "Omg. I'm totally putting that on Rebootnation."  :P

That's all for right now. It's been a long, exhausting week and if I make a big post now it will be too negative. I'm doing significantly better than I was the last time I posted, and I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm hanging in here.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on November 22, 2014, 02:21:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Very relevant for reboot nation.

Well Glad that you are doing so great. Keep us posted!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on November 29, 2014, 01:25:53 PM
I'm back!
I have positive news and not-so-positive news.
Positive:
130 days without porn. I know it's not a big significant number, but it's still huge.
I found out I made the Dean's List for my college! Top 5%!!!! (I don't care if that's not what this forum is for, I'm freaking PROUD!)
I stopped using Tinder obsessively.
My practicum for this semester is over, and I only have one more week of classes before Christmas break.

Negative:
My acne is back in full force, possibly from stress, possibly from me not taking care of myself.
I have significantly increased the amount of time per week that I spend M-ing. (I never stopped myself from it before, so long as I wasn't fantasizing about porn, but now it has gotten out of hand)
I messed up big time and sent sexy snapchats to a guy I met on Tinder.

These problems are coming from me not knowing who I am as a sexual being. **Trigger alert if listening to confused sexual ramblings does it for you**
 First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.
The biggest issue I am having is fantasizing. Before, I used to imagine me and my fiancee, but now it's obviously too painful. My body still wants to M, but my mind is confused. It goes back to encounters I've had with other men, but the limitations on that number sometimes lead to me remembering my rape while M-ing. That hurts a lot more, and its scary. So on a couple instances I started thinking about porn. Some times I haven't been sure if what I am imagining is pornography or not. What is the difference between imagining oneself in a situation, and imagining a scene you've watched? Are they not both detrimental? I don't know what I'm drawing on for my fantasies anymore, so it's become a concern.
As for the guy from Tinder, I have been talking to him for a while. I don't actually feel much of a connection to him, but I initiated a sexy snap conversation that went way too far. I told myself I would never "sext", because it's a stupid, dangerous thing to do. Then I got bored and horny and next thing you know... I feel bad about it. I'm not destroyed but I'm shaking my head at myself and wondering why I would do that in the first place. I'm also embarrassed with myself because it lasted for hours, even after I stopped being into it. I just kept going because I felt that I had to. I absolutely despise that sense of compulsion. It's not how I want to feel, ever.
So long story short, I've messed up but I've learnt from it. I've just got to keep going.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Yelashade on November 29, 2014, 04:34:48 PM
Congrats on the 130 days and making it onto the Dean's List! Don't worry about the latter not being part of this forum, it's these things (both positive and negative) that are a result from your reboot, so you should be proud :D

Heh, what you said about M is pretty much exactly what I'm feeling now. I want to M and my mind wanders back to to previous encounters or it twists occasions where I could have had sex but didn't. Nothing P related though. I'm sorry to hear you still think about your rape situation when you M, I can't imagine how awful that is :\. As for imagining scenes from P, well that's detrimental to your reboot and I think you know that lol. If that's what's happening, then straight up stop your M and carry on your reboot as you were before. If your mind is bordering P, you'll slowly sink back and that's not what you want.

I really think you need to have a long think about yourself and what you want to do etc. I'd say again what I said before about keeping yourself distracted haha, best solution! No time to act on your urges :P

I just had a read of this, I hope it helps reinforce what I said :)

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-about-fantasizing-during-reboot

Good luck!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on November 29, 2014, 09:32:33 PM
Kaybee,

You've made some really great strides in tackling the addiction, but like you said in your last post - it is a struggle finding the "real Kaybee".

Quote
First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-to-know-yourself-what-you-like-and-what-you-want-in-life/

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 02, 2014, 01:02:57 AM
Yelashade... I am so unbelievably busy, but I still make time for moping around and going online. Trust me, I have much better things to be doing. The trouble is that when I get in these moods I just stop caring. I think that no matter what activity I'm doing, I'm still going to try and blow it off to procrastinate. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying I'm not willing to fix it right now.  :-\
Thanks for that article SORP, it really is a struggle. I have so many decisions I have to make right now, and I don't know how to make them without even knowing who I am.  I was offered a promotion at work, and a full-time position. My bosses were prepared to train me for advancement in the future, and I really can see a future for myself there. The catch is I would have to quit school. I considered it because I'm not doing very well in school at the moment. I'm not motivated, and I can't focus on any assignments or readings.
But the kicker was when I thought, "Well, if I give up on school, it's saying my rapist wins. It's saying I'm letting him decide how I feel and how those emotions effect my life. If I stay in school, I win because I'm not letting my rape dictate my future". Then I just got really, really angry because I shouldn't be making my decisions based on being a rape victim. Also because I shouldn't BE a rape victim. It was hard to rule that out of the equation and just ask myself what I really want to do, and how God can use me.
So I've decided to stay in my college to become a teacher, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. I have this idea of me teaching Health class to grade 9's, and talking about important issues like sexual assault and pornography addiction. (Although I don't know if I would even be ALLOWED to be a teacher if people knew about my past...)
Anyways, update on the addiction: I M'd today while online.  I started looking at sexy pictures, but stopped myself. I knew exactly what I was doing and did it anyways because I was wallowing in self-pity. Then just as I typed that I tried to convince myself to go back to the pictures, but I will not. I'm angry, but I'm not going to let me screw myself over just because I'm having a rough day.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on December 02, 2014, 02:39:59 AM
HI Kaybee

Thanx for bringing us on speed about what is going on in your life.

First of all congratz on all the accomplishments and positive things going on in your life.
You sure can be proud of yourself!

The negatives are not nice to deal with, however they are reality and needs to be addressed...!
Even if it will be painful!
I can imagine how difficult it it must be to deal with all this issues and basically be all by yourself.
I know that RN is there with all its "friends" and faithful followers, giving support, a listening ear and some good advice.
But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

I want you to sit down and take stock of what you have gained during the last 130 + days. You have come a long way and have been through some real tough times. You are a strong woman and have accomplished a lot.
You already know what you don't want, and you know that it is affecting you in a bad way. Remind yourself of how bad it is and that the down side is far greater than the gain of what you want to accomplish.
Relate the bad to Pain.
And the good to Pleasure.
When the Pain is more than the Pleasure, it will be easier to make the transition to stay away from the pain.
If you still find it difficult to do that, imagine yourself a year, tow, five, ten, years from now, not making that change.
Will there be more Pain than Pleasure....?
This should motivate you and keep you motivated to make the right choices and stick to them.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 04, 2014, 02:36:54 AM

But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

Spot on, PMOVictory. :(  But how do I fix that? Aside from a friend and a very hard to get a hold of counselor, who can I talk to?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on December 04, 2014, 02:11:50 PM
HI Kaybee

It is a real predicament!
As a Christian yourself you know that you can draw a lot of support from your believe and in a way this can fill a big void.
I have read that every person have a void that only God/Christianity can fill. A lot of people want to fill this void with other stuff but this will never work.
Personally I have experienced that since I've quitted PMO, spending more time with God, the need for other "bas stuff" are less!

However it can only stretch this far!

Another thing that especially a lot of woman struggle with is a low self esteem. They measure it by the significant men in their life, especially those during their earlier years. If you can find self worth in yourself through your believe system, this can help a lot. Especially in the way you choose male friends for yourself. I'm not saying, or hinting that you might have this kind of problem. However this forum also gives the opportunity to others to read threads that might help them in what they are looking for.

I'll pray for you and your challenges, and that things will work out for the best.

Just stay strong and receive the Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: CrateDane on December 10, 2014, 07:16:01 PM
I wonder Kaybee, are there any support groups in your area for addicts or rape victims or heck even depression because I do get a bit of a vibe in that direction.
When I was dealing with my depression I found it  A LOT more helpful to talk to others that had been there than talking to good friends/family or even psychatrists/psychologists.
There is just something special about other people who can actually relate.
I'm not religious so I can't say whether that is enough for you but for me talking to other people who were suffering the same as me made a huge difference.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 11, 2014, 04:32:49 PM
Perhaps I've been a bit too whiny on here. I'm not depressed. I'm just going through a very rough time.
My addiction is holding steady. I accidentally saw a pornographic image while I was on my phone yesterday, and I didn't dwell on it. I just clicked it away and moved on.
I saw my counselor for the first time in a month yesterday, for like 20 minutes, and I don't have an appointment with him for another month. So I'm starting to realize that that's not really working out. Maybe you're right and I should find a support group or something, but I feel like because there's so many different things coming at me, no one support group is going to be the right fit. I'll look into it though. I'll try anything to feel better again.
I'm going to try to keep these posts more upbeat.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 14, 2014, 03:30:27 PM
Thank you for your advice, guys. :)
I called my city's Sexual Assault Centre and asked about support groups. I'm going to a meeting on Wednesday, and they've set me up with additional FREE counselling as well. I'm pretty excited to be able to talk about it with people who know the feeling. The group is actually for childhood survivors of assault or abuse, but the woman I talked to said that other people with recent trauma go sometimes too.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: CrateDane on December 14, 2014, 03:43:13 PM
Sounds really good Kaybee, I really hope they can help you as much as my support group helped me. Takes guts just to call a centre and ask about a support group. Power to you!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: PMOVictory on December 15, 2014, 02:55:27 PM
Well done Kaybee!

This is awesome news!!!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 19, 2014, 05:38:37 PM
I went to the counselling and the support group. The counselling was great! I really like the woman I was talking to, she understands what I'm feeling and she doesn't let me off the hook when I try and brush past something. I had a good cry. We're meeting again after New Year's.  The support group I feel has the potential to be good. It was their Christmas party when I went, so it wasn't like their normal meetings. We just went around in a circle real quick so I could meet everyone and some people talked about what was stressing them out lately, then there was snacks and crafts. Everyone is really nice and 'supportive' which is great. (I actually got a present from them, which I have mixed feelings about. I guess people in the community donated Christmas gifts and I got a beautiful, soft blanket, some soap, and some chocolates. But.... I'm well off? Should I be taking charity? I accepted it because I was really touched and I felt it would be rude not to, but I feel kind of bad. ) There's another informal meeting on Tuesday that I'm going to.
I found out that my rapist is most likely leaving the country within a week. I feel terrible. I feel like he's getting away with what he did to me, and I'm running out of time to do something. C told me, and he thought I would be really happy, but I am so, so angry that he gets to leave without anyone knowing what he did.
I've been slipping up a lot lately. I've been purposefully allowing popups to come up that I know have like a 50% chance of being scantily clad women, then looking at them longer than necessary when they do. It's not P. But I wish it was. I also have been playing the game I mentioned a few posts ago. It's not P but it's close enough. I'm sliding into apathy again, which was the thing that lead me into relapsing the last time. I've also been sexualizing myself a lot lately. I have honestly been obsessed with finding what is pretty much a dress a stripper would wear. I have nowhere to wear that kind of dress, but I really want one. I don't know why. I don't know where I got the idea. I'm not letting myself buy one, but the fact that the thought keeps coming into my mind is driving me crazy. I don't like myself when I'm over sexualizing myself, I feel insecure and worthless and I let myself do things I regret. I know that these feelings are coming back because I've let myself slip. The number one thing I can do to stop this is to stop myself from playing that game. I think it's time to install a K9 blocker. I didn't want to before, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this alone. But it's been 150 days!!! I think it's pretty obvious I CAN do this, but I don't have to make it any harder than it already is.
(Wow 150 days! I hadn't realized!)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: CrateDane on December 19, 2014, 07:08:45 PM
I think you have to ask yourself, what is it you want to "do" to your rapist ?
Tell it to the police ? Tell his friends ? or what ?
Either do something about it now or let it go (as harsh as that sounds), if you let this fester for years it could do some serious harm and it would be very hard to actually do something about a year or more down the line.

Its good you went to the counselor and support group and it sounds like a good place for you to be, if you feel bad accepting the gift, is there a charity or something you could donate it to ?
Stay strong and dont make yourself into something you're not.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Rockit on December 21, 2014, 12:29:29 PM
It sounds like you have met quite a few sweethearts at the support group.  Don't feel bad about taking the presents.  If anything, just know that there are people there who care about you.

And hey, have you considered donating something similar so you can help someone else who might be in a similar situation?  You were really touched.  Maybe you can touch someone else going through a rough time.

And I'd say, stop sexualizing yourself.  You seem like someone with a great personality.  Focus on that.  :)

P.S. I'm jealous that you can go the support group.  It's not something I can do in my area.  I hope it works out!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on December 22, 2014, 08:13:30 PM
I found out just in time that today is my very last day to report my sexual assault. Because our courts will be closed over Christmas, and because the rapist is flying back to Denmark (forever) in less than a week, I have roughly 5 hours to act if I want to do anything.
I thought I had decided not to press charges, but now that the opportunity is going to be gone forever, I'm having second thoughts and I need to face this problem seriously. I'm terrified I will make the wrong decision.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: chiefmitch88 on December 23, 2014, 11:05:41 AM
What did you decide Kaybee?
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: ntg on December 23, 2014, 12:15:30 PM
Hey Kaybee,

I have to say that I started reading your journal just a day ago, so I'm not even up to speed on how exactly the sexual assault happened or the details or anything.  I just would like to say a few things though anyway, as I've been through being molested myself, and maybe I can be of some help hopefully.

First, I want to say that I really appreciate you posting on here, because for most of my life, I've had this delusion that women are better than me, like they don't deal with these kinds of issues (ie: PMO addictions).  I know a lot of this stems from my early life as a kid, as my mother unknowingly taught me to think of girls as strange - so I just wanted to say that reading your journal has really helped me to get a handle on what reality really looks like, and so I'm really thankful for you writing here :)

Now, as to the sexual assault.  I was molested when I was around 12 yrs old, and the situation was that the guy who did it to me was about 4 yrs older, and his dad was a cop on the police force, believe it or not.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed it had happened, and felt like it was my fault (even though I was sleeping and woke up to the act) - but I still felt I should have stopped it, I should have known better, etc.  What my therapist said when I told him that (a few yrs ago now) was that, no, you should have had a dad who could have protected you (no such luck in my case, as I don't know mine - but I digress); it was a way of opening my eyes to see that I was a victim, not an accomplice in the act.  Same is true of you; I'm sure you're having lots of thoughts about how much you were to blame for it, if you did anything to provoke it, etc.  And I want to just reassure you that this is totally normal and totally bullshit, because what should have happened is that this guy should never have hurt you. period.

So, when thinking about whether or not to press charges; I never did against the guy who molested me, and it has haunted me a little bit.  I always wonder to myself, "did he hurt anyone else that I could have prevented it happening to?"  I was so young at the time, I was not able to cope with all these decisions, so I don't blame myself at all.  I do believe though, that pressing charges could give you some closure and even prevent him from hurting others in the future.  Just recognize that if you're feeling embarrassed or like it's partly your fault, it's totally normal, but unequivocally false.

If I can help you at all in this time, please let me, I am really sympathizing with you right now, and will help in whatever way I can.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on January 20, 2015, 04:45:03 PM
Well here I am, starting over again. 5 days 'sober'. I'm not 100% certain, but I think Christmas Eve was the start of my relapse binge.

I decided to press charges against my rapist through my University instead of through the police. They have the power to expel him, even though he's gone now, and that would be indicated on his transcripts for any college he decides to go to in Denmark. They also have the power to ban him from the campus in my city, which would guarantee him never coming back.
My University has been very supportive of me, and the Dean even helped my by rearranging my practicum dates so that I can go to a support group every Wednesday.

I guess it was the stress that sent me back to porn. Oddly enough, I think it was also a form of celebrating. I was feeling really good about my decision to act through the University, and that was just a day before my relapse. I wasn't going to count my relapse initially, and was just going to admit to it on here without resetting my counter. Unfortunately, as the days went by it kept getting worse and worse with me spending more time on the computer, and even my phone, looking at porn. I ended up doing the worst possible thing I could ever do, and I went to chat roulette. That was were I started before I got into more serious sex cams, and I know that going back there was basically me giving up on myself. I went there 3 times, and had cyber sex with around 10 men in one week. If that's not a full blown cry for help, I don't know what is. I'm happy to say that I did not become suicidal this time, which means everything to me. I am of course worried about having been recorded; I've been worried for the past 3 years and now I'm worried again. I feel kind of pathetic about having gone back to the cams. When I started the first time, I became enticed into that world because I had been rejected by a guy I'd really liked, and when I went on there I was constantly told how beautiful and sexy I was. I was in such a bad place, and so used to watching women abuse themselves that I let myself be coerced into it. This time I should have been so much stronger. I should have told myself all the great and valid reasons why I don't need their validation. Instead I ignored all the amazing changes I've made in my life, and everything I've learned through my reboot and just threw it away for some compliments. I hate that.

I'm just as dedicated to cut porn out of my life as I was 1 month ago, and I'm honestly baffled as to how I let myself get so out of hand.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gracie on January 21, 2015, 07:30:52 AM
Good to see you back!  I will be sending you a PM tomorrow night  (Thursday).  Do not have time today to do that.  Welcome and good job on standing up for yourself and finding your voice!  That is very important.  Will write more later.

Gracie
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: chiefmitch88 on January 21, 2015, 11:27:42 AM
Kaybee,

Firstly, I'd also like to send my sincerest support in your decision to seek justice. Now that you've started this process you will be able to close the door on it at some point in the future.

Secondly. Don't beat yourself up over the relapse. I am my worst critic and if I allow myself to feel shame/guilt/sub-human it will ultimately lead to another relapse for me. I will dwell on my brokenness and self-pity until I find an escape. My obsessive thought patterns turned out to be something I needed to address along with my addiction. Take it as a learning experience and move on. You have been through some terribly rough times and, quite frankly, I am amazed at how many days you were able to stack up before your slip. You have tremendous resolve! Not to mention the fact that the holidays are a consistently difficult time for people. Shorter days, less sun, seasonal affective disorder, over-eating, drinking merrily, spending money, receiving gifts, difficult family interactions, illness, resolutions, more drinking. It is a perfect storm for me and I have come to realize that I have to be hyper-vigilant during the months of Nov, Dec, & Jan. Add to that the fact that you sought justice for your attacker and it's not a huge surprise that you stumbled. Granted, there is never a good excuse to use but don't be too hard on yourself. It's progress, not perfection.

Life is a dance and we all stumble at times. That does not mean you can't dust yourself off and finish with grace. We must learn to love/accept ourselves first and foremost in this recovery process. Compliments from objectifying men are all empty. Unfortunately, we live in a society of highly conditioned objectifiers. They find you sexy, sure, but that is not the same thing as love. But I'm sure you know all this already.

George Collins has a mantra I repeat to myself often whenever I feel an urge. "You can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy you." You are enough just the way you are Kaybee and you deserve real love just the way you are. Your flaws will not prevent someone from loving you because everyone on this planet has flaws. Take heart in the knowledge that you are facing your demons and that takes more courage than most people can muster.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: nomox3 on January 23, 2015, 02:42:19 AM
Hey, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you! I've read part of your story, and then realized you have 7 pages lol. But you are still here, and God is still here too.

I haven't read anything past page one, but I will be reading more soon.

Just know that I'm paying for you, and if you would like, I can put you down for prayer at my church? Just let me know. It took 3 churches praying for me for years before I came to Christ lol. But I'm thank full that they were praying!

I'm a youth minister with a PMO problem, so if you need to talk let me know.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on February 20, 2015, 03:08:07 PM
I'm back.... once again with my tail between my legs.
My heart isn't in this like it used to be. I'm using all my energy to focus on healing myself from the assault, and I'm letting my resolve slip on this. That's not what I want. I know that this addiction is just as important to be fighting in my efforts to feel whole again, but I just can't seem to give a damn. But I can proudly report that I haven't been back on the chat sites! I have been very tempted, but every time I think of it I just put my laptop under my bed and pull out a book. I'm still angry at myself for going back, but I'm not surprised and I know why I did. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am valuable for more than my body. Porn definitely doesn't help me remember that.

I had a little bit of a breakdown at my support group on Wednesday. (I really love my group - thank you so much to everyone who suggested I go!!! It's become my favorite part of the week.)  I was crying because I am so, so, so angry with God, and angry with my attacker for making me angry with God when I had been in such a good place. I'm furious that God brought me through 8 years of healing after the boy who hurt me in high school, and was helping me recover from porn addiction, and then WHAM! Back at square one. It's not fair, and life's not fair, and I'm angry.
I also told my group members about how I confronted my rapist and made him cry, and put up posters around campus calling him out.... I actually got cheering and applause. That felt REALLY good. It's hard for me to realize how many opportunities I've had that other women don't have when it comes to seeking justice and confronting their attackers. They called me a Badass Powerful Warrior Woman! That's my new name for myself. :)

Chiefmitch, I really need to keep your words in mind. C and my counselor tell me this all the time, but it's so hard to tell myself. Thank you for reminding me.
Your flaws will not prevent someone from loving you because everyone on this planet has flaws. Take heart in the knowledge that you are facing your demons and that takes more courage than most people can muster.

I'm going to try to make a point of coming on here more often. I know that I fight the addiction best when I have a community of supporters, and I need to make that a priority as well.
Gracie... You never messaged me! :(
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Gracie on February 20, 2015, 04:38:45 PM
I stand chagrined and message has been sent!  I am so sorry!  Good to see you back!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Nessie on February 20, 2015, 05:21:38 PM
Good to see you back Kaybee! We were missing your valuable posts!

But I can proudly report that I haven't been back on the chat sites! I have been very tempted, but every time I think of it I just put my laptop under my bed and pull out a book. I'm still angry at myself for going back, but I'm not surprised and I know why I did. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am valuable for more than my body. Porn definitely doesn't help me remember that.

For me this is the most important thing Kaybee. Sometimes a lot of things simply don't go as we would like. But it's in those moments that we need a stable ground to stand up again. This is your stable ground: you are worth more and deserve much more that this!

Try to never go back to chat sites again. I know you can do it.

I will pray for you Kaybee! :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 20, 2015, 07:54:42 PM
Hey Kaybee,

I'm glad your're back. You are right that you need to remind yourself of your value. Keep trying.

Also, remember that you always have a choice when you use. Yes, there are difficult days but it is still ultimately your decision. That path, no matter how comforting an escape, leads us to believe that we are less than. When you aren't using it is much easier to believe it when you tell yourself, "I am enough."

Peace and Love to you Sister!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: robust on February 21, 2015, 04:07:57 PM
I'm glad that you keep on going.. All the best, Kaybee aka Badass Powerful Warrior Woman! ;)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: CrateDane on February 24, 2015, 06:16:02 PM
Its good to see you back and motivated even if the reasoning is a bleak one.
Im really happy that you went to the support group and that you feel really good going there, as I said it was super important and helpful for me when I needed it.
Stay strong Ms BaPoWaWo! :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on February 25, 2015, 01:47:29 PM
CrateDane, Congrats on 90 days!!

Thanks for welcoming me back with open cyberarms, everyone :)
I finally have some information on the date of my hearing with the University. It will be coming up in 3-4 weeks. I took yesterday off school just to get my thoughts together, and today I have my support group. I baked muffins for them. I'm simultaneously trying not to think about the incident, and obsessing over it. So that's fun. I really don't know how I'm going to keep up with my school work right now; it's getting to be a problem for me. My counselor and I also came across the fact that I seem to be afraid of being alone... which I feel is pretty connected to why I went back to the cams. The night I found out about the hearing I just cried and cried and tried to find people to be with, but I was all alone. I tried asking a guy I've been seeing who knows the situation vaguely to come over, but he was not prepared for that challenge. Eventually I was able to talk things over with C.  I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him. I hate asking for help all the time.
On pornographic side of things, I've been doing very well. I find that when I'm scared or anxious (which I've been feeling about the hearing) I don't have as many urges to watch it. The warning signs I have to watch for are: apathy towards the topic, low-self esteem, feeling rejected, and straight up arousal. I feel like I will have to be on guard for this at all times, and keep two steps ahead of myself if I want to fight this while I'm distracted with everything else going on.
Something for me to be happy about is I finally seem to be making female friends. There are a few girls in my group I can see a friendship forming with, and I now have a solid female friend in school and at work. This is new for me! I like it!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 25, 2015, 11:02:03 PM
Great news about the new found friendships Kaybee. I too found that I squashed my loneliness with P and online chatting. I squashed many feelings by using but loneliness was probably chief among them. It took me a while to realize that my "fix" only exacerbated the problem. I isolated more so that I could get more of what could never satisfy me, which is the exact opposite of what I truly needed. I too now find myself craving some intimate and heartfelt conversation with people. While I still feel self-conscious sometimes about engaging in conversation with new people I have come to find that the feeling of guilt and shame are far worse than a brief moment of nervousness about the potential of rejection. After practicing at socializing I came to understand that most of those fears I had regarding rejection were fabricated in my own neurotic mind. Also, I came to understand that people who judge or react without empathy definitely have problems of their own they are dealing with, and it is by no means a reflection upon my shortcomings.

Peace and Love
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on February 28, 2015, 11:23:49 AM
I PMOed to softcore yesterday. I don't even enjoy softcore. In this case the reason I stumbled was I have a date coming up tonight and I already explicitly told him that I don't think we should be physical.  My mind and heart agree, but you guys know how it is. Anyways, I got excited thinking about this date and then felt frustrated because I knew it would not become physical, even though that is my choice. I rationalized those feelings to mean that I deserved to PMO to 'get rid of the tension'. I also told myself that if it was just softcore then I could lie to you and prétend it didn't happen. So here is me not lying.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 28, 2015, 07:31:56 PM
You had a slip, we all have. Sounds like you have identified your triggers. You now have the knowledge to face the trigger when it comes around next time. The addict in my head had plenty of clever lies to get me to use. Seek progress Kaybee, not perfection.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: ntg on March 03, 2015, 08:20:27 AM
You found a trigger, good job!  You're one step closer to beating this thing.  Don't go the route of trying to stay away from all things sexual; I mean we are sexual beings, and therefore sexual interactions are natural.  In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course.  If you feel you don't want to be physical, cool, just set a boundary for yourself, and stick to it.  If you tell him you don't want to get physical, this just broadcasts that you have had a problem in the past with getting physical, and you need his cooperation to make sure it doesn't happen again....some guys will take advantage of this.  Keep going, dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, and goodonya for being honest.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: nomox3 on March 09, 2015, 10:18:33 PM
Hey, it's good to see you back! I mean, as far as that goes any ways. It would be great if none of us were addicts and we didn't have to be here in the first place! But aside from that, glad you haven't given up.

I cannot even begin to pretend that I know what you are feeling concerning God, because of what you have been through. I remember when I was 7 or so, watching a guy almost rape my sister. She was a teen at the time. I ran to the house and grabbed a knife to defend her, but the guy told me that he would use it on me if I tried any thing. He was the son of the sheriff. I felt completely helpless for my sister. This happened to her on top of my dad molesting her also.

The helplessness that I felt couldn't hold a candle to how she must have felt. I said all this to say that what ever anger you feel towards God is understandable. If we are honest, we can't completely say that God is free of any blame here. But in keeping with that same honest, we have to acknowledge that though good allowed these horrible things to happen, He didn't make them happen. And He most definitely didn't want them to happen.

God loves you, and He places a very high value on you. In fact you are priceless to Him. He created us for His love. Knowing that God is for us and not against us makes it difficult to understand why He allows such painful things to happen. And the answer is in free will. We have a choice in what we do the same way my sister rapist had a choice. It may not bring comfort, but for good to allow us free will, He had to allow them free will also.

I take comfort in knowing that God is perfectly just. The old testament says the phrase "mercy and truth" a lot. That speaks to God Grace, and His justice. Your attacker will be held accountable. God executes perfect justice. And that God for His Grace also!

Sorry for the sermon.

You have value beyond words. You are capable and bold.You may fear being alone, but that is just the trauma and PTSD talking.

Any ways, I'm praying for you. Remember that being angry is not a sin. The bible says, "be angry and do not sin" it also says that God will never leave you or forsake you.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on March 16, 2015, 11:15:35 AM
Thank you for sharing that, nomox3. My heart goes out to your sister. How is her life today? I hope that it's happier than her childhood. And I know that must have been torture for you to not be able to stop it. Your message had a lot  of things in it that I didn't want to hear, but that I needed to be reminded of. So thanks.

In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course. 
Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.

Well, I try not to only come back when I mess up, but here I am again. I relapsed yesterday, and that wasn't the first time since I last posted. The good news is I only watched part of one video before becoming absolutely disgusted with the porn industry and with myself. I hate that I drag myself into that cesspool over and over again. It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good. This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: plotox on March 17, 2015, 01:15:47 AM
Hello Kaybee!

I just wanted to say that it is a small beacon of light to see a woman post about her struggle with PMO. As a male, I often feel that most women would not be able to understand what it is like to be addicted to PMO, and it feels wonderful to be proven wrong!

As you can see, we both relapsed very recently...damn. But life goes on!

If we didn't believe that was true, why would we be on this site posting to strangers about our struggles and getting the support we are looking for? To me (and to be honest, I am just realizing this now) it must prove that it really is true! If we didn't believe we could change, and truly conquer this PMO habit, we wouldn't even be trying, but alas, here we are. For me, it is 2:00 AM and I have spent the last couple hours regaining confidence to continue my reboot.

Today Kaybee, I am confidently committing to my 20 day goal of no PMO to you personally, because you are a woman, and because you know what it is like to struggle. The truth is, all men who struggle with PMO owe it to women everywhere. The reverse is also true. Women owe it to all men, so that we can try to normalize our sexuality and attitudes towards women. With that said, I humbly ask you to dedicate 20 days to me. I will be very pleased if you accept, but if not, my reboot for the next 20 days still goes out to you!

I also, am tempted as I type, but it makes the effort all the more valiant.

To finish...If some guy can go for 40 days in the desert resisting food, water, even all the power in the earth, then who's to say we can't resist PMO for 20 days?

Take care Kaybee!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: ntg on March 18, 2015, 03:02:44 PM
Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.
Naw, I don't think that's weird either, I guess I misunderstood the situation.  I thought you meant that before you guys had gotten physical at all, you said that to him; if you're both agreeing to slow down, then it makes perfect sense.

It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good.  This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.

My advice would be to stop trying to stay away from it, the more you try to do something, the more you invariably fuck it up.  If you try to hold a cup steady while pouring, you'll spill.  If you try to talk confidently, you'll fumble your words.  If you try to stay away from porn, you'll relapse.  It's the law of reduced effort; the harder you try at something, the worse it gets.  Relax, stop trying, learn some meditation or visualization exercises (breath ones are really good).  The best way to beat this thing is to take your focus off of it entirely, and put it on something else.  If you have a gym membership, go to the gym.  If you get a craving and the gym is not open, go run.  Do something physical, because a lot of times, the triggers are built-up energy.  Deep breathing helps too, learning how to convert sexual energy (hot energy) into neutral energy (cool energy).

In psych, they have a principle that says the mind does not understand a negative.  This means that if you say you don't want to fall, you're focusing on falling, and probably will fall.  Instead, foucs on an ideal end result, and put your attention & focus on it instead.  So, stop saying you don't want to relapse, and start saying you want to get a better body, or you want to finish a book, or you want to learn a new hobby, you get the idea.

Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: mtaha2015 on March 19, 2015, 11:19:15 AM
welcome aboard kaybee.
3 days with no P and fantasy is a great progress.
stay strong and clean.
work for your good future.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on April 15, 2015, 08:45:04 PM
I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Nessie on April 16, 2015, 09:58:23 AM
Hi Kaybee!

Unfortunately I don't have time (and skills xD) to write a long reply right now, but nevertheless I want to tell you not to let you go!

For what concerns cams, have you ever try to put your pc in a "less private" place in your home, like your living room for example? This could help also with porn (a part for viewing them using tablets/smarphones of course).

You can help a lot of people here! At least you're forcing me to write in pseudo-English :-)
Try to keep your journal updated even when thigs are going great. We are interested in your life and to help you to overcome these troubles.

Don't give up! Please let cams be your past, not your future!

P.S.: I hope I was at least slightly understandable! :-)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Yelashade on April 22, 2015, 06:23:19 AM
Hey Kaybee,

Long time no chat. From what I've seen so far, you've been struggling a lot really. You know what I've found, since going off P so long? It's not the act or the triggers so much, but the mental issues we deal with. You're under a lot of stress and with being sexually assaulted, college, this and that... it's all becoming a bit too much.

ntg is right: you're trying too hard to not watch P and you're not addressing the issues at hand directly. That should be your starting point in your MENTAL recovery. Only then can you truly close out your affiliation with P. You've gone through a period of no PMO, so you've seen the benefits. Are YOU ready to see those benefits again? Ready being the subjective word here, of course. When you are, you'll want it more and more.

I hope you find your way again :)
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: emctransformer on April 29, 2015, 06:47:06 PM
Hey K, what's going on?  Fill us in, whatever is happening.  You know we are all here and we are all supporting you, whatever is going on.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: powerlift225 on May 11, 2015, 01:07:33 AM
Oh my goodness.  Thank God you're still here with us!  I really appreciated your story.  Your post is literally the first female post I've read.  I wasn't sure what women were going through as opposed to the male side of things.  Thank you so much for sharing.  It is a very good thing for men to see what's happening with women. 

Good share.

Sincerely,

powerlift225
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: J on May 25, 2015, 03:42:39 AM
I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.

Hi Kaybee. I want to say that whatever is going on, we are here for you. I am a woman who became addicted to this monster when I was in my 20's. What seemed like an innocent viewing became an escape for all the crap that was happening in my life. Although I am not someone who suffered from any sexual abuse, I did grow up with an alcoholic father and a mother who did her best to protect me from a broken home. We went from having everything to losing it all. A lot of my families emotional burden eventually fell on my shoulders, me being the youngest. It's hard to be forced to grow up quickly.

You are dealing with a lot of baggage. What I want to say is don't take on that burden alone. Whenever we  deal in porn in any shape or form, we are really delaying dealing with the real issues. They are painful to go through, but it's even worse to let them take over.

I was recently looking at some videos about porn addiction when I stumbled on a talk offered by Shelly Ludden, an ex-porn star now dedicated to rescuing those in the industry and with addictions. After viewing this video I feel like a huge tub of ice cold water has been dropped on me. It really is a powerful video, which I have posted the link here.

I hope you find this as helpful as I have.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xGdMi-oC9nM
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on September 24, 2015, 11:22:11 PM
I'm back. I'm not sure if my heart is in this yet, but I feel like I'm at an okay place mentally to start trying again. Saturday is going to be my one year mark for my assault. I feel a little more distanced from everything now. I'm in my internship for teaching right now, and everything is topsy-turvy with stress and emotions, but when is life not like that? So yeah. Let's give this a go. Porn free.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: BeastMode on September 25, 2015, 12:31:56 AM
Hi kaybee! Since you are a Christian, maybe this quote may help you.

Quote
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

I suggest you find an accountability partner who can you can    talk with problems. Cheers!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: J on September 25, 2015, 01:39:23 AM
I'm back. I'm not sure if my heart is in this yet, but I feel like I'm at an okay place mentally to start trying again. Saturday is going to be my one year mark for my assault. I feel a little more distanced from everything now. I'm in my internship for teaching right now, and everything is topsy-turvy with stress and emotions, but when is life not like that? So yeah. Let's give this a go. Porn free.

Welcome back Kaybee,

Don't beat yourself up, honestly there has to be a balance. I don't come here as often as I use to as it becomes a constant reminder that one has a battle. Instead, if you are ready to move forward, yes an accountability partner will help, but I personally recommend a life coach as well. A lot of them as therapist too. A life coach can greatly help in problem areas. I love mine, she deals with helping people get past addictions, but also other factors that impact us everyday life.

Ever since I decided to get help things have changed. It's not about focusing on the problem itself and psychoanalizing everything, it's about learning who you are again and pushing pass the obstacles that are keeping you from the balance you need.

If you are interested in checking it out I will send you an IM.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: BeastMode on September 25, 2015, 01:56:15 AM
J, well said!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 03, 2016, 03:37:55 AM
Hello Rebooters, I am back once again.
My life is a little bit more stable now, but of course I still have things that are stressing me out and making me want to head right back to PMO. I need to learn to stop waiting for "the right time" and make the time I have count. I reached a low a few months ago again and was feeling suicidal, but I told my counselor and doctor about it and now I'm properly medicated.  :o 
I purchased a vibrator, which lead to several days of multiple-hour binges with PMO, and a loss of sensitivity in my clitoris. I live alone now, which has been a blessing but also a curse in that I can sleep for 20 hours a day without anyone knowing, and I can watch porn basically any time it crosses my mind. I discovered a new favourite "channel" and actress, which added to the struggle, for sure.
I really don't like what my porn preferences say about me. I got hooked on videos of women acting younger than they are, often with older men or men who tower over them. I definitely don't have 'daddy-issues' (I have a great relationship with my dad) but these videos make me feel like something is wrong with me ... you know, other than the addiction and the depression.
On an important and exciting side note - I had sex. It was very emotional and stressing and overwhelming considering my past traumas, but also really special.  I'm only starting to understand how porn has impacted that part of things, so I'm sure I'll write more about that in the future.
Any way, it's good to be back. I have a lot of reading to catch up on around here!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: Kaybee on May 07, 2016, 03:46:01 AM
Currently drunk and horny af.
#realtalk
85% sure I'm not going to do anything about it.
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: malando on May 15, 2016, 02:10:27 PM
Wow, you girls are super supportive of each other! Great to see :)

Unfortunately I'm not getting much feedback on the men's forum. But actually it seems that the issue is the same whether you are male or female, so when I'm looking for inspiration, I'll pop in and read threads like this one.

Best wishes to all!
Title: Re: Women's Addiction
Post by: sm on May 15, 2016, 03:12:49 PM
Hi Kaybee,
I totally get this part: "I got hooked on videos of women acting younger than they are, often with older men or men who tower over them. I definitely don't have 'daddy-issues' (I have a great relationship with my dad) but these videos make me feel like something is wrong with me ... you know, other than the addiction and the depression", for me It's exactly the same. It is probably because of the porn exposure, but nothing gets me hornier than that, even now that I'm getting better and I usually fantasize about real and normal sex.
good luck with your rebooting!  :)