Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: Jijnyasu on September 10, 2014, 10:42:11 AM

Title: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 10, 2014, 10:42:11 AM
48 hours. Well, 49.5, really, but who's counting. Might not sound like much, but I can't remember the last time I went that long. Something just "clicked" and I stopped. 8AM Monday morning. I finished and said "That's it. No more."

I haven't been trying, or working at it, it's just not on the list of available options anymore. My wife has known forever, and she knows it's a big part of why we're not closer. I don't know if she knows that I've stopped, but she knows I'm doing something. We're spending more time together, and things are already different. I hope my body responds quickly and things get to something more like "normal" in a few weeks.

I don't plan to post a lot, or even look at this site much. Yesterday I realized that when I think about "not watching porn" it reminds me of porn. It seems better, for me, to just focus on other things. One really interesting shift that's starting to happen: I can see women and not immediately have sexual thoughts. Well, most of the time.

I've made halfhearted attempts to stop this in the past, but this one is really different. It feels different. I'm not gritting my teeth trying to make it through a tempting episode. As soon as the thought enters my mind I just shut it down. "I don't do that". When an image pops us on my computer that used to trigger me to go find porn, I move on immediately. It's like I realized my "old friend" is really a horrible enemy that's been attacking me for decades. And I finally told him to leave me the hell alone. I'm done.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 10, 2014, 10:48:56 PM
I had an interesting experience tonight. I realized just how many "creepy" things I was doing. Caught myself getting ready to do one. Not porn, but the same devil in a different mask. I used to try to look in my neighbor's window when she was undressing. It's hard to say that even here where I'm completely anonymous. I saw the light go on and her silhouette in the window. I knew if I went to my side yard I could watch through a gap in the blinds. I went as far as opening the door and walking outside before I said "What the hell are you doing?!" That made me feel kind of horrible. I have done that without even thinking so many times. It's a wonder I've never gone to jail. I won't go into detail about what I did in the damn side yard looking in the window. But thinking about it now, I can't believe I was never seen and left in the back of a police car. Actually, now that I think about it, I came really close, twice. I just explained it away to my wife and put it out of my mind. And amazingly, went right back to the same behavior!

I decided I should take a short walk to clear my head and get things in the right place again. Just around the block. Another thing I do all the time. But I realized that I look at every house I pass, in every window, just hoping to get a glimpse of something. I was doing it, but at the same time I was realizing it, and realizing how creepy it was. God, I'm the "dirty old man" who looks in windows. I've never even really admitted that to myself. Somehow that was really sobering.

So I made myself take another lap around the block. Being normal. Not looking in windows. Said hi to a man passing the other way. Enjoyed the plants and the cool weather. About half way around the second lap, I felt like I was in control again. Everything is fine. I didn't do anything, but I sure did realize how deep this thing really is. And I have to wonder if my neighbors talk about me. God I hope not. No one treats me weirdly. I was always careful. Hopefully that secret can remain a secret for ever. I feel horrible talking about it, but kind of want to get it out. Whew. At the end of the day, I managed it, shut it down, moved forward, and didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't even hard to do once I realized what was happening. But the experience has left me feeling really weird. I'm that guy. The guy I worry about my daughter running into at night. It's amazing how your brain kind of cons you. I never thought it was a big deal. Really I WASN'T EVEN CONSCIOUS OF DOING IT. Like, hey, everyone walks in the shadows outside their house looking in their neighbor's bedroom window.

Just typing this, there's so much more. So many things I've done. How did I not realize what I was doing to myself? Who I was becoming? I'm only 2 and a half days into this, but the shift in my perception is huge this time. I can see how ugly it all is. This is about more than solving my ED so I can have loving sex with my wife. This is about becoming someone that I wouldn't be afraid of. If I caught someone looking in my daughter's window, I'd go crazy! I'd grab them, call the cops, and show no mercy. And if that had happened, I'd never have made the connection that, hey, that's exactly what I DO!

This is the most "crazy" I've felt so far. It will be three days in the morning. Absolutely resolute tonight. Nothing bad is going to happen. I can't even imagine looking at porn or masturbating. I feel way to creepy. As much as I hate how this feels, I hope this perspective never leaves. And I hope, with time, I can look back and say "hey, that was a different me." Because I kind of hate that guy right now. Feeling good about weeding it out and staring it down. But kinda depressed tonight.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 10, 2014, 11:40:37 PM
Hi Jijnyasu

Mate I would do that when I'd walk around my local area too. I never actually stood there peeping or spied on anyone undressing intentionally, but I confess I always looked into the houses out of curiosity I guess.

You have come to the right place and I would encourage you to read as much as you possibly can as well as regularly maintain your own journal of your experiences.

It really does help, seriously! Because some of the best help I have found has come from reading other peoples journals and writing my own.

Be prepared, the early days will be the hardest for you (they were the hardest for me), though it really helped me by adopting the "porn is not an option for me" mindset. Someone shared this link with me in the first few days of my reboot and after reading the article everything made so much more sense, and my path became a lot easier. So I'll share the same link with you in the hope it will help you also?

You can read more about the "Porn is NOT an option" mindset here.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=f5777bcfb4f7a9c5e5eae32d7a90087d&topic=3078.0

Welcome to the forum and good luck with your journey

 
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 11, 2014, 10:54:43 AM
Thank you. That is exactly the mind set I have. I don't know how, or why exactly, but it was just like a light switch.

The good news is, avoiding porn and masturbation has been fairly easy. It crosses my mind, but so far, three days in, I can easily shut it down. The bad news is, I feel really crappy about the person I've been for a few decades. And it's alarming when I now realize how much of my day I spend objectifying women. It isn't just the porn. Its looking at every woman as a sex object. I'm shutting that down, but it's harder.

I'll get there. It's only three days.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: RecoveringObjectifier on September 11, 2014, 04:36:17 PM
If you have any young female relatives like nieces or cousins, to say nothing of daughters, it helps to imagine how you would react if you saw guys looking at them a little too long, or if you could read their minds.  Then just reverse the roles!
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 11, 2014, 07:53:14 PM
Thank you. Yes, that's a good strategy. I do have a daughter, so that helps. Oddly, I find something as simple as looking at a woman's face, rather than just an ass or boobs helps me remember that she's a human being.

Man. I had a weird day. I still don't have any real understanding of what snapped me into the frame of mind I'm in. Something is happening in my brain. It's never been any mystery that I used a lot of porn when I was stressed out. I have a lot going on right now and I'm really stressed out. But now I'm not getting the self medicated release I used to. One of my employees, who's a good friend, came to me today and said "You've been really grumpy all week". She's right. A comment from an ass hole at the office that should have made me roll my eyes resulted in me flipping him off behind his back. Real mature. On the way home I was just about to go full on road rage.

But this is weird. I'm home alone, on the computer. You'd think I'd be in major trouble. But I'm not even tempted. Whatever changed really did change. Thinking about looking at porn just seems creepy. I did have a very difficult time in a meeting earlier today with a young woman I don't know very well. I have noticed that she's really attractive and has big boobs. But she wore a top that left a gap over her slacks when she sat down. From where I was sitting I could see a tattoo on her back. A "Tramp Stamp" as they used to call them. I'd never seen it before. Really, really, really hard not to stare at it, and almost impossible not to visualize doing things with her. I did okay. Not great, but okay, I guess, under the circumstances. That's the worst episode I've had so far. But I wasn't tempted to masturbate afterward. Just had some thoughts I'd rather not have.

I think this is wrong, because I'm just not that far into this, but I do kind of feel like I'm just not interested in sex at all. A lot like what I've read about "flat line". I'm pretty sure it can't be that only three days in. I'm getting minor morning wood, but it's gone almost as soon as I realize I'm awake. Other than that, my dick feels totally dead. Nothing at all. Even when I was staring at that woman in the meeting. It's almost like the ED is worse, but I don't really know because I haven't tried anything. And I don't really want to know.

So. I was wrong in my first post about not spending much time here. I'm here a lot. Reading a lot, and posting here more than I thought I would. It does help to read things. At least I kind of feel like I know what to expect, and kind of good to know that there are a lot of guys dealing with this. It makes me feel slightly less like a worthless creep and gives me hope that this will pass.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: LLTJR on September 11, 2014, 08:10:46 PM
I appreciate you being specific about what happened in the work environment (tramp stamp story). I made my first post tonight and I can tell this is going to be helpful. The fact is i am in very intimate conversations with women I interact with professionally and porn and other images has got me fantasizing at the drop of a hat about the woman I am working with. This is killing my ability to see her with compassion and respecting her as a human being. Recently, it has gotten totally out of control and though I haven't said anything inappropriate, one wrong word and or move could do irreparable damage.

SO thanks for putting yourself out there. I am inspired to be detailed in my posts and get this crap off my mind.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 11, 2014, 09:02:31 PM
Thanks for the post on the Anger thing.  Today is the first day I noticed my fuse was really pretty short.  When I was really into the porn binging thing (like it was so long ago... only 10 days!), I would notice that after a big porn binge (as in 4-5 hours of constant porn and edging) I would be extremely short tempered.  I always wondered if it was a testosterone thing.. like I had build up all this testosterone by edging for so long that I had to release it.  But today it was different, no porn binge, just me feeling like an asshole and having no patience for anyone.  Oddly, hearing your point of not having the release put it in a good context for me.  I think that is likely it and knowing that allows me to rationally control it a bit more.

Thanks for the post, and keep on with the "porn is not an option"!
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: relapse king on September 11, 2014, 09:29:36 PM
Its been 39 days for me and boy was i angry at the start its starting to settle down and i'm becoming less and less volatile. Feeling pretty damn good these days with the guilt lifted and not beating my self up.  Its gets better guys. Keep it up.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 12, 2014, 01:33:35 AM
Great posts everyone.

One thing I have learnt from reading all the different posts is that rebooting will be different for everyone, though there will be similarities.

The main similarity seems to be the comment that it does get easier the longer you go. I'm finding the reboot fairly easy. Some days are harder than others with more thoughts and triggers, but none of them are serious struggle days where I am fighting the urge. I attribute that to having the porn is not an option mindset. When I was pointed to that thread and read it something "clicked" in me, it all just made perfect sense. The journey after that has been easier than the first few days. 

Now I'm only at day 22 or there about following a 40 year addiction. I know I can't seriously be claiming to have beaten this addiction until I have successfully been sober for at least a year, and then I know I'll need to be vigilant of my thoughts for the remainder of my life.

In the first few days I to became aware of how I objectify women I see. Always checking out their boobs and butts and imagining them in sexual scenario's. And I have had to consciously be aware of my thinking as part of my reboot so that I exclude those thoughts from my mind as quickly as I can.

So don't feel bad about the things your discovering about yourself and your auto response systems. Part of that is natural in men anyway its just be hyper sexualised by the porn use.

Your doing great so far just coming to the realisations you are. Keep up the good work.     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 11:05:52 AM
Thanks for all the input, and glad my candor might be helping others. That angry feeling stuck around most of the night. I told my wife I was stressed out and having a rough day. I've been telling her how much I appreciate that we're spending more time together. As I said, she's known about my issue for years, but we don't really talk about it. And she knows I'm working on my ED issues. There's probably a part of her brain that has put it together. But she's super supportive either way. She sat with me and we watched some of the game. I had a couple of glasses of wine and got calmed down. I went to bed early and got to sleep fairly easily for the first time this week. That was nice. I still woke up in the night, but stayed in bed and just tried to get back to sleep. In the past that would have been an automatic porn session. In fact, I think I've conditioned myself to wake up in the night for that reason. It will probably take a long time for that to get back to normal.

I did have one thing that I think might be really good news, at least I hope. When I woke up I had a very strong, healthy erection. It was there this morning when I woke up too, so probably happened several times in the night. It surprised me. In the past if I went a couple of days without masturbating, I would get morning wood, but it wasn't really good. That's been happening this week too. This is day four, and honestly, this may be the longest I've gone in 20 years. Maybe more. It would be wonderful to discover that some of the ED issues could resolve quickly. I'm not counting on that based on one day, but at least it shows me that there is a clear difference downstairs as a result of my behavior. It was very motivational. I feel really solid today and I know I'm going to have another successful day. And if I do have a period of flat line, knowing this happened at this point will help me through it.

Though the erection didn't change my libido issue much. That's good in a way, since it probably made it a lot easier to just roll over and try to go back to sleep. But it's a little weird. I'm not questioning it, just moving forward. I know this will be a long process and I'm only a few days in. It will all come together in time.

Sorry these things get long. I'm not expecting anyone to read all of it. This is mostly for me, really.

I realized something else yesterday, and I bet other people have had similar experiences. I went to the doctor about ED years ago. He said I had high blood pressure. I take pills for that now and it's under control. But the ED persisted. He said I had low Testosterone, and I do. We're treating that now too. But the ED has persisted. I used those other issues as excuses. Every time my doctor gave me a reason, I told myself that what I was doing is okay. That's not the problem. It's this other thing. We'll fix that and everything will be okay. But somewhere in there, I knew those weren't causing the problem. That's why the over-night erection is great news. I didn't get that with blood pressure treatment, or testosterone treatment. But just a few days of addressing the real issue resulted in a change. No, I'm not saying I'm "cured". Far from it. But it's a strong indication that this really is the problem. Of course, I've known that for years. But now it's becoming undeniable. And that's empowering. Because I can fix this.

And I'm already seeing that it will do more than fix my ED. I'm slowly becoming a better person. It will take a lot of time. I look forward to a day when I'm not constantly redirecting my thoughts. But that will take a while. Last night I went for a walk again. It really does help clear my head. And instead of telling myself, "I can do this" or "everything is okay" I started telling myself "You're a good man". That's my mantra from now on. I'm not just going to stop using porn, I'm going to become the man I want to be. And I'll keep telling myself "You're a good man" until I feel like I'm that way all the time.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 12, 2014, 04:22:20 PM
That mantra of "Your a good man" is great. Infact I'm going to use that myself now every time I get distracted by a trigger, and make it part of my self dialogue.

Ed is a challenging thing because it's for most of us porn addicts, it's all in our heads. Getting morning wood kind of proves that everything is working as it should, at least when we are unconscious of it (ie asleep). It's when we are conscious of the problem that we sometimes over think or become concerned about whether we'll be able to perform or not when we're next with a partner.

I suffered from ED for a long time because of my frequent porn use, and I had trained my brain to only find sexual stimulation from the kind of porn I enjoyed watching, and essentially I ended up in a situation where nothing else could compete for my arousal. Since rebooting it has gotten better. In fact a lot better. However I'm still aware that there is still a bit of a head game going inside my brain when it comes time to make love to my wife. I still worry about whether I'll be able to gain and maintain my erection. I suspect only time and continued success will overcome those thoughts and concerns.

For me using some of the bonding techniques that can be found here  http://www.reuniting.info/ and in particular here  http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Bonding.Behaviors.pdf  have made a difference, because it has increased the level of non sexual intimacy between myself and my wife, and that generally leads to ther things  ;)     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 04:55:40 PM
Thanks Rider. Those links are really good.

I didn't say it clearly in my previous post, but I'm under no delusion that the morning wood means I'll be able to have normal sex any time soon. I just like that there is a clear difference when their hasn't been one before. Just some kind of a sign that this is the right road and it will eventually get me where I want to be. We have been able to have successful sex in the fairly recent past with the help of Viagra. At first it seemed like it was the answer to all my problems. But that was short lived. Now, sometimes even with it, I can't maintain an erection. And recently, even if I do, I've found it very hard to climax, which I now know is because of the porn and masturbation. Most interesting is, even with the Viagra, we just rarely even try. So many issues that have nothing to do with "sex" and everything to do with how messed up my brain is. Right now, just sitting with her, watching TV with her head on my shoulder feels like a huge step in the right direction. I think that's touching on the ideas in the link you posted. Something like that is the next step. Thank you.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 12, 2014, 05:14:44 PM
Mate I know exactly what you've gone through.

I used Cialis and had fairly good success with it, mainly because it helped me as much mentally as it did psyically. 
But I found I was becoming psychologically dependant on the meds too a large degree as well.
 
In the same way my mind would be thinking "You idiot, you have jacked off 3 times today to porn, there's no way your going to be able to get it up tonight if Mrs Rider is feeling frisky". When I was using Cialas I would think, "you haven't taken your pills, so without them your not going to be able to get it up".

Both thoughts were ultimately self fulfilling. The cialas also leaft me with a stronger libido, hence, even after making love with Mrs Rider, the next day I'd be binging on porn to satisfy my hightened libido caused by the cialas. Talk about your double edged sord!  :D

I have thought of going back to Cialas to help me through the reboot process, but I have chosen not too because I want to get back to a healthy sense of normality and I don't want to become relaint on the meds to function as a man.     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 05:36:47 PM
Man it's good to know I'm not the only one. I used to take the Viagra then go find porn after sex and all the next day so I wasn't "wasting" it. Or she'd show interest in sex for the first time in weeks and I'd say "Let's try tomorrow" because I knew I'd been jerking off all day. Crazy how that all seemed kind of normal to me. I can't believe how my perspective on things has changed so dramatically and absolutely in such a short period of time. I guess I was just "ready" to change or something. That all somehow seems like a million years ago. But there's a little voice in the back of my head that doesn't believe it will last. That will take more than four days.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 12, 2014, 05:59:51 PM
It will take more than four days. That I can assure you of.

For me I reached a point where to be honest I thought I was pretty much "porned out". I still lusted after it daily, but it was taking longer and longer to find something that would get me off, hours and hours in fact!

As for the meds. I was that fucked up that I was taking the meds so that I could make love to Mrs Rider at night, then I'd take another around midnight so I could be rock hard doing a cam to cam session with a lady I was having an online relationship with the following morning.

It got so out of control for me, I hated myself, had lots of suicidal thoughts over it thinking I'll never be able to beat this, and eventually I think I just reached a point where my mind and body had had enough. I deleted all my accounts. Deleted all teh photo's I'd been sent and had taken of myself, and then went looking for a solution which lead me here.

I expect its going to take me a long time to recover, if I will ever recovery fully? I don't expect I will, and as I have said many times, I expect this reboot will become a life long journey of vigilance and awareness for me.
 
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 06:38:20 PM
Thinking about the things I've done, and feeling really, really rotten about myself has been the subject of much thought over the last few days. One little step after another. And the next thing you know you're in a Motel 6 looking at ads for Transvestite escorts. Thank God I didn't make that call. What I did do is plenty bad enough. And MAN I'm glad to read other guys did weird, kind of gay stuff. That might be what freaked me out enough to stop. And hey, a transvestite doesn't make you gay, does it! Wow. Thinking about all that bizzaro stuff, and doing pretty terrible stuff, when I have a lovely wife sitting at home wishing we had a good sex life. I hope I never do anything else in my life that approaches how bad that sounds now. And I hope I'm never in a frame of mind where that doesn't sound really twisted again.

And I agree, I'm sure things will get better. There are a load of stories on here from guys who have gotten past this stuff. But I doubt it will ever be totally over. At this age, I've been doing this crap for most of my life. I guess it's like a recovering alcoholic. You can beat it, but you'll be at it for the rest of your life. I'm just glad I finally have a real start going. Four days seems so insignificant, but it's the longest I've gone in ages. I keep thinking at one week, it will probably be the longest I've gone without an orgasm since my first orgasm. That's kind of weird.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 07:43:35 PM
My wife is amazing. I had been saying, if the time kind of came up, I'd tell her. Well, it sort of did. So I started to tell her. She stopped me and said "I know you're really working hard on things. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere." It made me cry. God I love her.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: dataguy on September 12, 2014, 09:53:34 PM
Jijnyasu the candor of your posts is very encouraging for me.  I just started my reboot on this site a few days ago, I haven't posted as much detail as you have but I've engaged in activities and considered activities that I'm not happy about and that I hope are becoming less likely as I reboot. 

I like the reboot name and connotation a lot.  It kind of has the implication of resetting my brain setting to some healthier "default" values that I've messed up over time.

I want to let you know that I'm in something like the same shape as you and I'm pulling for you.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 12, 2014, 10:56:41 PM
Thanks, Dataguy. I'm afraid there's more to share. But I'm not quite there yet. Facing all of it is really hard. And there are parts of it I'm not sure I'm ready to get over. I have a lot of work to do. Getting it out there, even on an anonymous forum, really is helping. But there's kind of a lot to face. I'm going to bed. And when I wake up, it will be five days. One more without giving into this idiocy. One more closer to a more normal life.

Man, I'll tell you. Putting it out there is cathartic. Some of it is pretty deplorable. I really kind of hate the person I had become. But posting it here is a step to putting it behind me. I wish there wasn't still a fair bit to tell. One day at a time. Really, one hour. No, one moment in time after another. Just be the better man I know I can be. And keep being that man.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 13, 2014, 02:38:24 PM
I need to be careful today. Five days down. My wife and I had a fun evening last night. It's surprising how quickly some of the old comfortable feelings are coming back. She's really fantastic and I feel closer to her every day. We've both been stressed out, so it was nice to spend time together just goofing off. But wow, we kinda drank too much. lol I'm not too worried about that. It was kind of a bonding experience. But I need to watch it. A lot of weird dreams this morning in the hangover haze. Thinking about things I shouldn't think about. I did feel much more vulnerable and had to really snap myself out of it. So, even though I'm stressed out, I think I need to avoid alcohol for a bit until I get a few weeks behind me. I need to keep myself in the right frame of mind. But I made it though the morning. Have a bit of a headache, though. lol But it will pass.

Five days down. Staying on track and doing pretty well.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: dataguy on September 13, 2014, 05:06:25 PM
I'm less worried about alcohol than about the P, but I'm cutting back a great deal on alcohol and I can tell that is helping.  I sleep better with a cup of tea and a valerian root capsule than I do if I have alcohol.  If I sleep better, everything the next day is better.  In the past I would PMO in the daytime, and then use alcohol to sedate myself in the evening to quit worrying about, or thinking about the porn use that I was not content with.  So the two would sort of feed on each other.  At the same time I was trying to bicycle a lot and work on improving my overall health.  Of course these two are diametrically opposed. 

Not trying to dictate to you, just relating what I'm finding.  I guess I'm trying to gently suggest caution with alcohol.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 13, 2014, 09:00:47 PM
Great to hear you and the wife had a good time,  you need to appreciate those times as there are plenty of tough ones in between. 
Thanks, Dataguy. I'm afraid there's more to share. But I'm not quite there yet. Facing all of it is really hard. And there are parts of it I'm not sure I'm ready to get over. I have a lot of work to do. Getting it out there, even on an anonymous forum, really is helping. But there's kind of a lot to face. I'm going to bed. And when I wake up, it will be five days. One more without giving into this idiocy. One more closer to a more normal life.

Man, I'll tell you. Putting it out there is cathartic. Some of it is pretty deplorable. I really kind of hate the person I had become. But posting it here is a step to putting it behind me. I wish there wasn't still a fair bit to tell. One day at a time. Really, one hour. No, one moment in time after another. Just be the better man I know I can be. And keep being that man.

Share at your own rate, and I assure you that most of us are in the same boat.  The porn addiction had me doing some pretty  stupid low down stuff.  Take it day by day, and share when it feels right.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 13, 2014, 10:55:16 PM
Well, I'm sitting alone, in a motel room, on the internet. And after I post here, I'm shutting the laptop and going to sleep! I knew porn was bad and I knew it was effecting things. But I've had some time to think about this, and I didn't know it was directly causing my ED. Man, we got to get the word out about this. All I have to do is think about why I'm not using porn, and there is zero temptation. I hate having ED. I hate it WAY more than I liked looking at porn. And, really, every day that passes that I don't look at porn, I realize I did't like it at all. It was just easy. And it helped me calm myself down. I just didn't realize the extent of the issue. I always though it I took a couple of days off, everything would be fine. So when it wasn't, I was sure it was all these issues my Doc. kept telling me it was. He has still never even asked if I use porn. They should. If he had mentioned a year ago that using too much internet porn and masturbating could cause ED I would have known, even if I couldn't have been honest with him. At least I would have the information I needed to figure it out. Yeah, there's a spot in my brain that knew it was causing problems. When I read the reality, I can't say I was surprised. But seeing it spelled out as a cause and effect thing, with a full explanation about the dopamine receptors and sensitization. Then reading it takes several months to get past it if it all goes really well. Dang. I just didn't know that. And just like that, porn holds no appeal to me. I suspect I'll have to fight some temptation at some point. But I think that will be way down the road.

And really quickly, I started seeing all the other issues it caused. Those thoughts pretty much took over my brain all the time. Today on the drive down here, I thought about all kinds of things. I listened to some new music. I through through some projects I'm doing. Just normal stuff. Honestly, just two weeks ago I was on a trip and ALL I thought about was deviant sex stuff. And I made plans for how I was going to use all that alone time. Man. I guess that trip is what pushed me over the edge. It just took a few days to sink in, maybe. But I took it to another level that seems to have shaken me up enough to fix some things.

I mentioned the hangover this morning. lol Yeah. That was really weird. And images of things I'd watched in the past kept popping into my head. It was strange and a little scary. Some of the things kind of shocked me. Things I know I watched many times and found arousing then, just seem really sick and twisted. Why the hell did that turn me on? I gave my wife a long, nice kiss when I left this afternoon. Nothing downstairs at all. I'm not tempted to go back to what used to turn me on, but I'll sure be glad when normal things turn me on again. Right now, there's just hope for the future. That's kind of a weird part of this. When we get it all messed up in our head, there is no healthy way to get aroused. Healthy things just don't do it. You just have to wait it out. And that's what I'm going to do. There's nothing else I can do.

Good night gang. I'll wake up and it will be day 6. Darn close to a week. And I don't miss porn one bit. And I'm going to spend an awesome day with my wife and kid tomorrow. Life is pretty good. And in a couple of months, it will be even better.

Guys, thanks for chiming in on this thread. I really appreciate it. Every time one of you shares something so much like what happened to me, it makes me feel a little better. I'm sure you're all good men, too. This thing beat a lot of us down. But we're getting out. And talking this through is helping keep me focused. There's some bad stuff in the world, and people who are in a frightening frame of mind. They're all too willing to drag a bunch of us down with them. It's up to us to say "Enough!"
Title: Re: And I'm off. - making sure you are doing okay
Post by: survivor on September 14, 2014, 10:49:48 AM
Hey Jijnyasu!

How are you making out today man? You've been really faithful about posting over the past few days. Because I hadn't seen any postings from you today I wanted to make sure things were still going well for you. Being in a hotel room by yourself can be a slippery place.


Thinkin' of you and rootin' for you,

Survivor
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 14, 2014, 11:33:50 AM
I'll admit I had the most temptation yet, but I made it though OK! Having a fun day today. One week coming up fast.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 14, 2014, 05:53:30 PM
Glad to be back home tonight with my wife. One night was OK. Not sure I'd make it through two. I don't think I'll have any reason to be alone over-night again until I have a better handle on this. I had a lot of thoughts today. It seems like every day since I started this, I put more things together. This is about so much more than porn and ED.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 14, 2014, 09:17:07 PM
Hey Jijnyasu,
Hope the trip is going well.  Sounds like you still have that great mindset, that will serve you well in staying porn free over your trip. I have to admit I'm finding your journal very inspiring and having many parallels so please do keep it up! 

It is funny, but porn as an "easy way" really resonated with me, hadn't thought about it before, but that was definitely part of it for me.  simple to just log on, check out the pages and pages of porn and get off.  But what a loss and what a waste it all is, we were missing out on life, missing out on connecting with our amazing wives, and missing out on some amazing sex! 

Was just checking in to see how it went for you, as I head off on a biz trip tomorrow.  This is my first after starting my reboot.  My last trip was to an amazing place, just stunningly beautiful, and I spent a lot of my limited free time in the hotel room with porn.  what a waste, I will not do that again!   I'm heading in with the "porn is not an option" mantra.  Should hopefully serve me well.

Keep strong my friend.
MFS

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 14, 2014, 10:30:29 PM
Just replied to your thread before I read this! You got this, man. Mine was only one night. Glad to be home. Check in here if you feel like you might do something you regret. Reading this stuff and typing a mountain of what was on my mind kept me on track until I was so tired I went to sleep! lol
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 09:38:25 AM
One week. I've read some people say it got easier. I've read others who said it got harder. I don't know what will happen for me, but I'm ready to face it no matter what. On to week two.
Title: Re: And I'm off. - reply
Post by: survivor on September 15, 2014, 11:10:43 AM
Hey Jijnyasu!

I admire your resolve and your fortitude. Stick with it. Even though you've only been at it a week you are an inspiration to me.

The urge came upon me like a ton of bricks yesterday. Absolutely overwhelmed in my gut by the yearning. Additionally, I was at home alone. Unfortunately it did not end well.

But... gotta pick myself up and start again. Only way to go is forward.

I hate admitting that I slipped yet again. Makes me feel like such a loser, especially when I read so many success stories on this site. But I know that the only other options would be to: 1) stop visiting this site altogether, and then I would be totally isolated with this stuff again, or: 2) lie to all of you and pretend that I'm doing well. That would be worse because my lying would only continue. The only way is to 'fess up to the truth, face my embarrassment and start again.

I read somewhere on this site about the 'porn is not an option' concept. Try as I might I can't hold on to that idea for an extended period of time. When the urge takes over as powerfully as it did yesterday NOTHING else matters. All the fears, warnings, memories of past embarrassments and awareness of potentially nasty things that may follow as a result of my behavior are totally inconsequential. It seems that the only time I find the strength to let go of this stuff for an extended period of time is when I have been caught in a humiliating situation. That strengthens my resolve for a while but then the urge gradually seeps in and overrides the memory of my embarrassment. The only thing that I know how to do is to keep telling my truth to somebody. That be you people at the moment. Speaking my truth has a temporary humbling effect on me and allows me to carry on sober for a short period of time.

I had a really good run of sobriety a few months ago. One of the primary reasons I did so well was because, whenever I had the urge I went to this site and surrendered myself prior to going to a porn site. And it worked. However, yesterday being a prime example, even though the thought of visiting this site first entered my consciousness, I chose to ignore that idea and proceeded instead to satiate the urge. In the past, when I have come to this site first, the urge has temporarily dissipated and I have been able to carry on with my day. But yesterday I LET my addict win. And that's a key word - LET. I had a choice. Even though the choice is not what my addict wanted I did have a choice. I simply made the wrong choice.

I admit there is a part of me that does not want to give this stuff up. I cannot imagine living without it. That's the part I need to work on, trying to get my head around the concept that I can live a satisfying, fulfilling life without having this compulsion rearing it's head. I understand the concept that the obsession and compulsion will lessen as time goes on. But because I've never gotten to that point for an extended period of time (my longest period of sobriety in fifty plus years has probably been about 35 days) I have never experienced an extended period of time free from the compulsion. It's an absolutely alien concept to me. Furthermore, it calls up the idea of being OVER THE HILL. If I am unable to have sex then I no longer have any value as a man. I am now a neuter, of little value to anyone and, worst of all it signifies to me that women will no longer find me appealing. I know what I just said is not true, however, it's one of the things that I have always struggled with. My entire life has been based on the concept that I have to be sexually appealing for women to be interested in me and that I am worthless if women aren't attracted to me. I'm a married man and don't need women other than my wife to be interested in me. Yet I still crave attention from other women. Obviously it's a character defect connected to low self esteem. Always has been. I need a woman to validate me and if a woman is sexual with me then I must be worth something to her and, therefore, 'I' must be worth something. That's how my brain works.

So... when I go to porn what I'm really doing is trying to convince myself that I'm man enough as a result of satiating a fantasy image on a computer screen. Bizarre!

I also have to admit that part of it is about control. When I'm fantasizing about an image on the computer screen I'm in control. It's gonna turn out the way I want it to and I'm gonna get what I want. No tradeoffs. 

The trick for me is to know that it's not about being MAN ENOUGH so much as it's about remembering  there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I am complete, whole and worthy of being on this earth simply for who I am, a message I was never given fully as I was growing up. I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to assimilate the message, however, at times when the doubts and questioning seep in I need to remember that they are A LIE! I am complete even when I don't feel it.


That's enough for now,

Survivor     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 12:25:03 PM
Sorry, Survivor. But hang in there. I'll tell you what I think, and it's worth what you paid for it.

I don't know about you, but on a slow day I was masturbating to porn a couple of times a day. More often it was three or four. If you think about how all this works, and how your brain gets messed up by it, cutting that way, way down has to help. You had a set back, and I can see how reinforcing the old response/reward system messes things up. But it doesn't make all the progress go away. You're still in a better place than you were, and you're still moving forward. Just don't let one slip up turn into a week long binge. Get right back on the horse.

Man, I KNOW it's going to happen to me. And that's what I'll tell myself. It's a slip. Get right back on track, and the quicker the better.

Really interesting you mention the thing about equating value with attractiveness. I've had some weird thoughts about that for a while. One of the ways I knew something was really wrong is, I knew people are worth more than their sexual attractiveness, but I felt like I had to get approval from women to feel like I was worth anything. "This is stupid, I don't even like this woman! Why do I care what she thinks?!" But I did care. Not to mention, I have a wife, and I love her. It sounds like you have the same thing. You KNOW it isn't true, but you feel like it is.

That thought makes me really nervous. I'm starting to realize that I'm committed to this, at least in part, because I just want to solve the ED so I can perform better when I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing in the first place. Things that would put me right back where I started. It's a big problem, and I don't have it solved. I'm maybe a little further along with it than I was, but a long way from where I need to be.

That mantra is helping me. "You're a good man." I keep saying it to myself. I know I am a good man. Even at my worst, there were very good things about me. As I improve, I'm getting closer to being the man I want to be. Saying that helps fight that feeling that you're not worth anything. It isn't about what you look like, or how sexually attractive you are. We've just spent way, way too much time judging others that way. Of course we start to judge ourselves that way too. That's why I'm working really hard to stop objectifying women. It's tough, but I'm moving forward. But I really think it has to start inside. You nailed it, it's low self esteem. But we created it ourselves. I think it's why re-connecting with our wives is so important too. We need to wake up that relationship and those feelings that are about more than being attractive in a sexual way.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Just get back on track. Try to learn from the slip and get a little stronger. You didn't fail. You just took a step in the wrong direction. The faster you get moving the right way again, the sooner you'll get where you're going.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 01:55:32 PM
Here it is Survivor. Read this.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-stimuli-must-i-avoid-during-my-reboot-did-i-relapse

"Counting days is purely psychological. What's happening in your brain is what's important. A very common question is "does this relapse set me back to day one?" or "have I lost all of what I gained?" Even though we cannot peer into your brain, the simple answer is no. The gains you made cannot be erased with one binge. Each time you restart, it should become easier, depending on the length of your abstinence. Keep in mind that nearly everyone who recovers from porn addiction relapses."

It didn't erase all the progress. Just get back on the hose.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 15, 2014, 03:13:42 PM
Hey Jijnyasu:

See! It works when I work it!

My wife just left for work. I had every intention of going back to look at some more sites. However, I decided to check this site out first. And there you were! After I'm finished this post I'm gonna get some more yard work done.

Thanks for the 'one slip is not a back to zero restart' thing. It helps me believe I'm moving in a positive direction rather than spinning my wheels. And I guess, because I checked this site out first rather than going to a porn site, I am moving in a positive direction.

That thing about giving women power has been a part of me all my life. This is not meant as a put-down on women in any way. The truth of the matter is that, rather than seeing women as equals I have always put them above me. I assign them power based on the fact that my need to be sexual as a means of proving to myself that I am loved or worthy somehow has caused me to view them as having the power to control me. Truth be told I have been with women that have done that. But... not all women act that way just as not all men are chauvinists. It's an individual thing, not an overall gender trait thing. I try to deal with issues, whether they be gender based, racially based, culturally based, spiritually based, etc. on an individual basis rather than applying a blanket judgment. This is no different.

That being said, I think my objectification of women stems from a need to prove my self worth. I know I'm repeating myself here. The idea that I could have sex with a woman, or many women, enhances the belief that I must be appealing to them because they allow themselves to have sex with me, therefore I must be okay. Porn fits into to that like fingers in a glove. Porn imagery (the type that I watch anyway - one man and one woman) creates the illusion that a woman is totally physically hooked on her sex partner. It creates an illusion of the man as being some sort of omnipotent being. Although I have always known that the imagery generally portrays the male as getting his needs met over the female. However, because there is also this illusion that the female is satiated I have never wanted to acknowledge the blatant fact that the imagery almost always makes women subservient to men. I never consciously acknowledged that fact to myself before. I have to admit that the subservience to my needs aspect has always had an appeal to me. 

So.. still got a lot to work at but I count this situation today as a little victory.

I need to share that I personally don't like counting days of sobriety. This is just my own thing but I feel that if I start measuring I can get too cocky (pardon the pun). "Oh, I got this much time. I must have this mastered. I can ease up a little because I'm pretty sure I can handle this now." That's simply not something "I" can take a chance on. I've done that before. I gotta take it one day at a time. Besides serenity there is no reward for me for XXX days of sobriety. 

One more thing. Before she left for work my good wife called me "Her handsome man." I need to remember that everything I really need from a partner already resides under this roof.


Keep sharin' buddy. I like what you have to say.

Survivor     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 04:58:42 PM
Way to go, man. Take your victories where you find them.

I'm typing all this crap here because somehow it helps me. If it can help someone else, that's great. But I have discovered I have some desire to get it all out there. Brain dumping some of this somehow just helps.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 15, 2014, 06:20:17 PM
Hey Jijnyasu!

I totally agree. What I write is really more for myself then anybody else. I'm figuring this stuff out as I go along. Writing it, so to speak, clarifies my thoughts and helps to eliminate confusion.That being said, I know from my 12 step program that the figuring it out is okay, however, ultimately it's about letting go of it regardless of what might have caused, or continues to cause it to happen.

But I've had some really big insights lately. These insights help me become more aware of how my brain operates. That understanding gives me the power to be conscious of when my brain is trying to trick me into my old behaviors. This brain stuff could really be quite fascinating if it wasn't for the fact that it's MY BRAIN that's in need of repair! It's always interesting to examine someone else's behaviors but not as much fun when I need to examine my own. That ole' ego of mine don't like to admit when he's outta line. Well... humility is a good thing.
 
My wife and I are going to the city for a few days starting tomorrow. As a result I probably won't be near a computer and will not have an opportunity to post while we are away. I'll do some serious posting when I return. However, I will definitely be able to stay sober while I'm gone. No opportunities to act out.

I enjoy your input. Cheers!

Survivor   
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 07:14:18 PM
Dang, that was weird, and could have been very close. I need to watch it tonight.

Opened an email. Clicked a link. Just wasn't thinking. No porn, but something that got my brain right where I need it not to be. It couldn't have been a minute total, but I spent an hour talking myself down. It was just weird how it all flooded in. At least I was at work so there wasn't any opportunity to go binge on porn. Really glad it didn't happen at home. It might not have gone as well.

Well that was a wake up call. This has been going really well. I've had to redirect a lot of thinking, but I hadn't had any urge to go find porn until that. It hit pretty hard and caught me really off guard. But the weird thing is how it made everything kind of unravel so quickly. My brain, there for a minute, was right back to where it was a week ago.

I guess I should call it a victory. I was able to get back on track. But it was eye opening. And I have some cleaning up to do still so that doesn't happen again. Imagine not being nervous when my wife uses my computer to look something up, or take my phone to get directions. There's a lot of loose ends to tie up. And I need to tie them up before one of them catches me off guard again when I'm in a more vulnerable position.

Date night with my wife tonight. That will be nice, and just what I need to put that behind me.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 15, 2014, 08:37:24 PM
Good for you jijnyasu.  Glad you were able to push that aside quickly.  You should definitely consider that a victory. And also a good indicator of some serious triggers. 

Cleaning out all of the potential triggers is a key thing.  for me what was key was not only cleaning out the images etc. but also going through all of those emails and doing a delete and block so that if I get any more from that source I never see them.  For me that included a lot of folks that I would chat with/exchange images with just to make sure a simple "hi" email didn't set me down the bad road.  I had a lot of correspondence that I am not proud of, wow, did this addiction put me down a bad path, and one that I don't want to go down again.  Sounds like the same for you.  You have made some awesome progress not only in staying clear, but also with coming face to face with all of the things you've done, owning up to the addiction.  Congrats and keep on going!

You hit the nail on the head about not being afraid when wife logged on or takes your phone for directions.  Felt like I was looking in the mirror on that comment.  I can't tell you how great it feels not to worry about that, not to be concerned about the cache or deleting the internet history.  And man, the phone thing is so true, now I am not worried at all, grab it, search it, open any file and it is clean!  Love it! 

Stay strong my friend.  and enjoy the little victories.
MFS
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 15, 2014, 08:58:11 PM
Thanks man. When that stuff hits you and you're thinking about it and feeling really bad, it helps to hear other people say they've been there. You feel like you're the only one who ever did that stuff. I mean, I know I'm not. But it's not the kind of stuff people talk about. Man, it's so ugly.

I had a great night out with my wife! 100% back on track now. I know it's only one week, but I really was surprised how hard that little trigger hit me. I'm a little more prepared now and cleaned up a fair bit of stuff earlier this evening.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 15, 2014, 09:13:17 PM
Great to hear you had a great night with the wife, and keep on chugging bud.

You are so right on the past, it is so ugly, some crazy shit.

MFS
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Myformerself on September 15, 2014, 09:17:34 PM
If you ever need support or need to get it out, feel free to PM me if I'm online.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: LLTJR on September 16, 2014, 08:54:04 AM
Jijnyasu-
Thank you for sharing the real time trigger (email that you received) and then knowing you need to be aware that night. I am pushing through the waves during last couple of days and so far so good. It's the trigger coming out of the blue two weeks from now that scares me.

Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it. This is something I have not heard a lot of guys talking about--the relationship between live interactions with very attractive women and the temptation to do porn as a surrogate. I have not been unfaithful to my wife and certainly don't intend to, but for me, porn and real life interactions are related. Maybe tho is obvious, but part of my challenge is steering away from situations where I can be tempted. As far as I am concerned, live women with amazing parts trumps pixels any day.

Anyone dig on this?

 
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 16, 2014, 10:19:13 AM
I need to post this, just to get it out of the way. I MO this morning. I'm not calling it a fail. I planned from the beginning to incorporate that into my recovery as long as it was rarely and with appropriate stimulation.

My wife and I had a wonderful night last night. This morning I woke up at about 5AM with a massive erection. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About 7AM my wife woke and was feeling frisky. I was hoping we could have actual sex, but I wasn't responding. It stinks because I think I could have. Just, by that time, I needed to go to the bathroom, etc, etc. Who knows? But it doesn't matter. I told her not to worry and let's just take care of her. I feel like spending intimate time with her is helping us bond tremendously and I want her to look forward to that time, not the constant frustration she's had for the last several years.

Later, after she had left I had the house alone for a bit. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and was massively tempted. My mind was playing those games with me. All the sneaky reasons why it would be okay just this once to get out the lap top and find some porn. I didn't do that, but told myself, instead, to take care of it in a more reasonable and normal way. I won't do it often, but I think I made the right decision. I feel back on track. I just need to make sure that it doesn't lead to more.

And I learned a lot. I've had great morning erections for four or five days now. That's encouraging. But I have to say, when I went to masturbate without porn, I was able to do it, but it was not 100%. It's good, though. I know for a fact, a week ago I couldn't masturbate at all without porn. So it is progress.

I feel like I need to make some rules now. When I started I told myself that there wouldn't be anything for a week. And I did that. But if I'd said that would be two weeks, I think I would have made a different decision this morning. It's like I gave myself permission a week ago to do this. I can't just trust my brain to set any reasonable limits. I have to decide now, with a clear head, what is reasonable to keep me on track.

Rules.

1. No porn. No exceptions.

2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.

3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.

4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.

5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.

I know that once a week thing is arbitrary. We'll see how it goes. I really feel like I'd have done more damage today with thoughts getting out of line than I did taking care of things in a normal way this morning. I understand that I'm not "normal" yet, but I have to figure out the best way forward for me. If this doesn't seem right in a few weeks, I'll adjust. The most important thing, I believe, is ridding myself of the non-stop steam of pornographic, unrealistic garbage.

The most important thing. One more day without porn in my life. One more day working on getting my brain wired in a more normal way. Keep moving forward and string a few weeks together.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 16, 2014, 10:29:51 AM

Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it.

Wow, that would be a tough one for any of us, I think! My experience is a little different than yours. If that interaction were to leave me with an erection, I'd be pretty happy, if I'm honest. My problem is more that I got to a point where I could only get aroused by porn. I certainly don't mean to imply that you want to be messing with the neighbor's 19 year old daughter! And it falls into my "objectifying women" thing. You're going to glance when greeted with something like that. Anyone would. Where some of us go off track is letting that trigger some inappropriate action. That's what you have to shut down. Sounds like you did a great job under tough circumstances!

I was trying to get somewhere quickly yesterday. Like most cities, mine has "that street" where there's lots of drugs for sale and prostitutes looking for Johns. Street walkers aren't a problem for me, so I don't think about that a lot. I turned down that street to get around a traffic jam. About two blocks later I said "Yeah, need to get off this street." lol It isn't that I was going to do anything, it's just the thoughts that creep in when you see things.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 16, 2014, 06:06:07 PM
Not a good day. It's my own fault. The last year or so, I've done a lot of stuff. I guess there was no way none of it would come back to haunt me. In less than 12 hours, four people I shouldn't know in the first place reached out to me. I may not have looked at any porn, but all kinds of triggers, and all the things I need to stop thinking about. No question this set me back, and I haven't resolved all of it yet. I'm a little down.

I have to be honest. I started all this just hoping to fix the ED so I could keep doing some things I shouldn't be doing. But I've discovered a lot in the last week. I've said it several times. It's about becoming the person I want to be. But the person I'm leaving behind is making it difficult. And there's a lot of me that's not ready to let go.

I am going to get this back on track. But this is a set back. And I sure feel like crap right now.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 16, 2014, 06:18:08 PM

Rules.

1. No porn. No exceptions.

2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.

3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.

4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.

5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.


Hi Jijnyasu

Can I ask why "Real sex with your wife" was the last rule, and the "masturbation rule" was put ahead of that?

As for masturbation, I personally believe it poses a real danger to a successfull reboot for guys like us who want to nurture a fulfilling relationship with our wives or SO. The problem is your still hiding the masturbation from her, and your turning to yourlsef to get your fix.

The problem with that (at least as I see it) is that if your mind works anything like mine, everytime I masturbated it meant I was more anxious about the likelyhood of ED happening the next time I went to make love with my wife. I always knew in my head that the longer it was since my last climax the hornier I usually was, and the more likely it would be easier for me to get and maintain an erection.

However, if I had masturbated that day and then the opportunity to make love came along that night, I would

(a) not be feeling as horny because I'd already climaxed earlier that day, and

(b) I'd usually have a mind that was filled with guilt about having masturbated earlier in the day (which as all us blokes know is never conducive to arousal).

I would encourage you to give up the masturbation for good and incorporate that into your reboot. You have a loving wife that is likely to be more than willing to tend to your needs in that regard. So I would urge you not to risk short circuiting your reboot by polluting your mind with feelings of guilt over masturbation.

I know we're all different, but in my opinion allowing yourself to masturbate during your reboot process while also working to rebuild intimacy with your wife is playing on a very slippery slope for a married guy. (I can appreciate that for single guys it's an entirely different matter).

I'm sure if you approached your wife and told her that you need to be relieved at least once a week she'll gladly help you out. But here's the thing I think you may be missing most? If your serious about rebuilding intimacy with your wife or SO, and your incorporating a lot of the non sexual bonding practices into your relationship, then you're going to be getting lucky a lot more than once a week anyway, so you'll be able to rule out rule 4 and the prospect of masturbation altogether anyway!

I haven't masturbated since I began my reboot. I have my eye on a much better prize, and I know there is simply no need to masturbate once you've restored your relationship with your wife back to a normal healthy loving relationship. The sex just comes naturally and its great!  :)

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 16, 2014, 07:15:12 PM
You make some good points. But, I wasn't going to hide the masturbation from her. She knows I masturbate and she has said before that if I'd stop doing it so much everything would be better. Turns out she was right all along. I was going to talk to her tonight about our time together this morning and what I did later. Actually, what I'm not 100% sure she knows is that I hadn't masturbated in a week. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm trying to cut way back. But she'll be shocked how long I went. Probably as shocked as I am! lol

Going to stay on track, and tomorrow I'll finish dealing with the crap that came up today. I'm really angry at "old me" for setting so many land minds.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 16, 2014, 07:21:17 PM
Man, I just read what I just typed. That's crap. You're right, Rider.

Thanks man.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 16, 2014, 07:41:14 PM
Mate, its a big step forward just acknowledging that what you wrote was crap.

While ever you remain in the mindset of trying to beat the ED just so that you can continue to do the stuff you know you shouldn't be doing, your not on the right path to beating your addiction.

You need to rid yourself off all those old contacts, delete the old private email accounts you had and never go back there again.   
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 18, 2014, 11:10:00 AM
I've talked around it enough. I need to face this.

About a year ago the porn issue escalated. I started meeting women on line, looking to have an affair. I did meet some women, but nothing much happened. That led to escorts, and that's a pretty recent change. I did it 4 times. 2 of those, I couldn't perform, even with Viagra. And to be honest, that's what led me here. Every day, the escort idea fades a little more. I'm connecting with my wife and I think I'm going to be OK.

What threw me off earlier this week was contract from two different women I'd met earlier.* I hadn't heard from or tried to contract either in months. Two of them from out of no where on the same morning is just crazy. This is a difficult hurdle for me to clear. It shouldn't be. I know what's right and I know what I need to do. It will take me just a little time to push through this. I'm being strong everywhere else. I still haven't looked at any porn and I'm not committed to not masturbating at all for as long as it takes to get past this. I just wasn't prepared for this to pop up right now. It really feels like God, or whatever you want to call it, is testing me.

I just need a little time with all this. I know the right answer. I'm pretty sure I can get there. And I'm trying.

*(edit) There were actually FOUR contacts. It's amazing they all came within a few hours. Two were fairly easy to deal with.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Pheonix on September 18, 2014, 12:35:47 PM
I can relate.

So far, quitting PMO has been relatively easy, quitting MO very difficult but very possible, and contacts from my past are like my Kryptonite! I have not been in contact or responded to any of my previous relationships, but it is the absolute hardest part for me so far. I guess that means it is the last part of the addiction that needs my full attention and vigilance. Thinking about it as a test is actually very helpful. There may be a reason all of those contacts came at once. You are being put to the test. I hope you can use it as motivation and be up to the challenge. Be strong! Get some more time in between you and these contacts and it won't be nearly as difficult.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 18, 2014, 12:50:20 PM
Thanks for the reply. That is exactly my experience. I'm amazed the porn is fairly easy. Tempting, but easy to shut down. The MO I can do, I'm pretty sure. But this really screwed me up.

Today I've at least gotten to the point where I have ignored a text message. But these two women are very nice and they are real people who are dealing with their own problems. Ignoring them isn't really the answer. I need to tell them both that I'm working on my marriage and can't really talk to them anymore. And I know they will both understand and probably actually encourage me. I know the only thing stopping me is the little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my options open, which is exactly the opposite of what I need to do. I deleted my account on the site where I met these women. I know I won't actively go looking for anyone at this point. Shutting these doors will end it. And that's what I need to do.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 18, 2014, 01:44:48 PM
Don't underestimate the power of posting things here. "Getting it all out" just seems to help me. Just a couple of hours later, one down, one to go.

I can do this. I know who I want to be. The man I want to be doesn't text women who aren't his wife. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to these other women, even if I am "honest" with them. And it isn't fair to me. All it has ever gotten me is regret.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 18, 2014, 02:58:10 PM
Done. I know I did the right thing. And I tried to do it the right way. I'm proud of myself, but I feel like shit right now. That was hard. I'm a little depressed and stressed. I keep getting flashes of "Hey, let's look at some..." but I shut it down.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 18, 2014, 05:10:43 PM
Those flashes and thoughts lasted about 3 weeks for me. They diminished rapidly after that. Keep strong and just shift your thought to something else as soon as they come up.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 18, 2014, 10:58:45 PM
Thanks Rider. Hopefully it will be short lived.

This has been by far the most difficult day of this adventure. Even just a few hours later, that sounds a little silly. These weren't "real" relationships, and certainly not healthy. And they were totally messing up my progress becoming the man I want to be, and having the marriage I want to have. My wife and I spent time together again tonight, and she said something really sweet about how nice it is that we're bonding so much in the last couple of weeks. She kind of instinctively asked me to touch her in a way that is very much like one of those exercises from the non sex couples bonding link. And the little sting of loss from these messed up relationships faded quite a bit.

This might all sound stupid to you if you've never made these mistakes. But I've covered a ton of ground in less than two weeks. I can do this. I'm more confidant than ever. And if any other ghosts pop up, I'm ready to deal with them.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 18, 2014, 11:55:18 PM
Mate, that is awesome to read that you know you've covered so much ground.

Seriously, you have to hang in there as the rewards keep coming when you stay committed and focus your energy on just the re-bonding with your wife.

Look, as for the ghosts of the past. If you had a secret email account delete it. If you can't do that then change the password to something you'll quickly forget (don't write it down), or go in and individually block the email addresses of those old contacts so they can not contact you.

It's easily done and removes the possibility of them getting in the way later. Get rid of them now! You don't want them popping up at a weak moment down the track.

 
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Pheonix on September 19, 2014, 10:00:58 AM
Good job man! I know how tough it is. You did the right thing. The fog of regret will fade quickly, followed by a feeling of pride in knowing you did the right thing.

I have found it is a big help to be final about shutting doors. I got rid of old e-mail addresses, removed IM programs from my computer, wiped hard drives clean, and installed a blocker on my web browser. If I had old contact info for people, I deleted all of their info so I can get in touch with them in a moment of weakness. Don't give yourself any options!
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 19, 2014, 11:30:50 AM
Thanks guys

It's the same as avoiding porn. You decide what you're going to do, know that it's right, and don't think about it. If you let the messed up part of your brain start thinking about it, you will always come up with an excuse to do it this "one last time". I knew what I needed to do. I knew exactly what to say, and I just did it, even though a voice in the back of my head was absolutely screaming at me to do something else. I feel better about it today. And proud that I pushed through a lot of wrong thinking to do what I know is right. It's easy to type that, but it's really hard to actually do.

I've deleted accounts and contacts. I wasn't as smart about some things as I should have been. I gave my phone number to some people. It's not a practical solution to change it. No way to be 100% sure, but the odds of anyone else dropping out of the sky are very small.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 19, 2014, 11:00:27 PM
Just a note about how grateful I am. 

Some people win the lottery. I won the most understanding woman on the planet.

I feel like the luckiest man on Earth tonight. Even with the long road ahead, what more could I ask for?
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 22, 2014, 09:51:23 PM
Two weeks. OK. That went by pretty quickly. And I feel like my thinking is getting right. I keep thinking about what I said about not having to worry if my wife wants to use my phone for something. I'm there. And that's really nice.

I had a rough day on Saturday. Kept thinking about things I shouldn't. But today was really good. Just have to take it a day at a time and stay focused on my goal. I'm a good person, and I'm becoming the man I want to be, with the relationship I want to have with my wife.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 22, 2014, 10:34:30 PM
By staying strong you will be pleased with how things get better exponentially as you move along your reboot. At 2 weeks I was still being tested every now and then, so you will find it gets easier the further you progress. After 3 weeks it got so much easier, at least for me it did.

You have to stay determined its really as simple as that. You have to say NO to the thoughts when they arise. You have to keep your eye on the prize and remain focused on your relationship with your wife.

It does get easier and your mind will begin to clear of all the incidental shit it keeps throwing up at you. Old habits do die hard after all, so you have to expect this to be a fairly long journey to full recovery, but the improvements will come much sooner.

It may not be on the same time frame I have enjoyed, but you will get there so long as you stay true to yourself.     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 22, 2014, 10:54:26 PM
Survivor here.

My wife went off to work this evening and will not be home until tomorrow. I didn't stay strong.

I admire you guys for your determination and commitment. Something I had for just under a month a while back. However, since I slipped I have not found it in myself to stay committed to sobriety. That being said, reading your posts gives me hope.


Disappointed in myself.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 23, 2014, 12:09:39 AM
Survivor,
Mate sorry to hear that you gave in.
But with the greatest respect mate, you don't just slip?
You were tested and you made a conscious choice to give in, and I feel for you.   
 
One thing I have come to realise is there is no hoping or wishing your way to success in here. There's no amount of discussion or support that can get you past this addiction if your going to accept giving into the cravings as an option when temptation arises, as it does for all of us.
   
Beating this addiction is about determination and holding yourself accountable, and I mean truly ACCOUNTABLE! and maintaining an attitude that will get you through.

The trouble with accepting relapses is that it makes it easier to accept the next one too.

I know your disappointed, but I'd encourage you to get back on the program and be more vigilant of your thoughts and where they are leading you next time.       
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Pheonix on September 23, 2014, 08:04:36 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you find the determination to restart that counter and get back on the right track.

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 23, 2014, 10:00:32 AM
Survivor here.

Thanks Phoenix and Rider.

The heaviness of this thing is sapping my energy. I think it's a feeling of hopelessness. Right now I feel as if it's hopeless for me to keep trying. I've gone head to head with the beast countless times and every time the beast ultimately wins. I get a few days sobriety under my belt, then I'm left to my own devices because I'm alone and I just cave. It's a never ending cycle.

I know it's because I won't let myself go through the initial discomfort of having to deal with the urge. I've been there before. However, I also know from past experience that if I hang in there and live with the cravings they will pass. Additionally, I know that after a few days they will lessen. I've experienced that before also. That's how I've gotten to 26 days and 35 days of sobriety.

A big part of the struggle for me is the first 72 hours after a slip. That's when the cravings are at their most powerful. After that I seem to have the strength to get beyond it. It becomes a timing thing. If my wife is around for four days I do not have the opportunity to look and, as a result, my resistance to the pull becomes stronger. However, if she is away during that initial four day period I find it incredibly difficult to resist the temptation.

I know I'm not telling any of you anything that you have not experienced yourself. Additionally, I know that many of you have faced the same demon, stared it down and gotten through that time. I keep saying these things because I know that by my saying them I am reinforcing to myself what I already know. I gotta talk about it in order to give myself the strength to deal with it.

As I've said in the past, if I look on this site prior to acting out I don't act out. Yesterday afternoon I did not go to this site first and ended up acting out. Last night I had every intention to act out again. However, I went to this site first and, consequently, did not act out. So... that's why I keep repeating myself. I need to reinforce the message over and over and over again every time the urge comes up. That's the only way I can get beyond this stuff.

At times I feel like some kinda dunce. "You've been saying the same thing to yourself repeatedly for over fifteen years. What's wrong with you? Are you stupid? Why can't you absorb what you know and simply stay away from this sh*t?" But... That's the only way I know how to do it. Surrender my thoughts to people like yourselves in order to be accountable. It feels humiliating at times. I read all your success stories and I keep slipping every two or three days. Then I think I'm wasting both my time and yours because I'm not doing what needs to be done.

BUT... big but here. Another part of me refuses to give up. I'm 62 years old and I want to live as a person that has learned from my mistakes and has grown and evolved beyond those mistakes. I want to do it for my grandchildren. I want to be what I would like them to be. I gotta keep showing up here, cough up my dirty hairball and swallow my bitter pill of embarrassment every time I slip. If I don't I will slide back into the pit of despair again.


Good day to you all.     
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 23, 2014, 01:07:07 PM
Survivor again.

A couple of things.

1) My wife is out for the day and, as a result, I find myself home alone once again.

There is a small part of me that wants to act out, however, it's not because I'm craving sexual stimulation. Rather, I'm feeling dragged out, struggling to find motivation and dealing with a sense of heaviness. Learned experience has taught me that acting out will give me a temporary dopamine, endorphin hit which would give me a boost. That's what I'm craving right now.

Well... don't want to go that way. So... because of what I wrote earlier, I recognize the need to turn my thoughts into words rather than stewing on this stuff and pretending I can handle it on my own. I know how sneaky this stuff is and I know how it can mess up my head if I don't let it out into the light.

So there I am. Gonna be okay for now.

2) I have a problem. Since my post this morning I received an email from another member that was posted to my gmail account. To begin, I have to wonder how someone has been able to trace my gmail account through this site. Secondly, although I do understand that this particular member was only trying to be supportive, I need to state emphatically that I do not want to receive messages on my other account. My wife and I both share the same gmail account and, although she is aware of the fact that I post on Reboot Nation I do not discuss my recovery process with her. So PLEASE do not post any more messages to my personal email address.   
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 23, 2014, 02:52:45 PM
I don't think anyone has your email address. If you send a private message through here, it also comes to the email address you signed up with. I wouldn't worry about it.

I was feeling pretty week there for a bit, but coming on here and reading some things got me in shape. Going to have another good day. Thanks guys.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 23, 2014, 05:49:32 PM
Hi Survivor,
What Jijnyasu said is correct. When anyone sends you a private message it's not to your email account directly. The site here sends the notification to your email address, but the probelem is you can read the entire message there. So that may be an issue for you to resolve by setting up another account. Otherwise sooner or later it's going to cause you grief.

What you wrote was fabulous and honest. Look we have all been there and know what its like. I have failed so many times in the past at giving up P I've lost count. And I failed for the exact reasons you described.

This time its different. I have so much more knowledge of the real problem. I understand the porn's not the problem, it's actually the reward system in my brain. I know the real enemy now and I know how to overcome it. Starve it of its supply of the bad shit, and nourish it with a supply of good emotions I have achieved through the use of the non sexual bonding techniques with my wife.

The big difference to my success is I am focused on improving my relationship. I'm not just focused on fighting off the urges to watch porn, and I believe that shift of focus has been incredibly important to my success. My focus is on finding ways and opportunities to just be intimate with Mrs Rider. Just little things that mean a lot and build a deeper connection. When my mind is focused on that it's a win win situation because Mrs Rider's loving it and so am I.

I think if you go into this just wanting to fight off the urge, then urge feels much stronger? So for all us marriage guys or guy's already in relationships, my advice is make the reboot about much more than just beating the dreaded porn addiction.

It is possible to beat this thing, but you have to be a bit smarter about it than thinking its just about giving up on the porn.   
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 23, 2014, 06:56:49 PM
I can't imagine anyone here hasn't tried and failed for years. Especially in this forum. We're all over 40, so we were around when the whole on line porn thing started. That's a lot of years of leaning on something and building a habit. It's not easy to stop. But it can be done. You'll get there.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 23, 2014, 08:11:41 PM
I bet money on that one too Jijnyasu. The number of times I tried and failed is far more than I could ever recall.   
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 23, 2014, 10:56:28 PM
Survivor here.

Thanks guys, both for your encouraging words and your input regarding the email I received.

I talked to my wife about the email because one of my main concerns was that I did not want her to stumble on something  she was unaware of. Even though I hope I don't receive any more posts to my personal account her knowing that they could come, and what they represent should they come, alleviates any fears I had that she might react badly if she had stumbled on one without knowing what it was about.

I had a good day. Posting instead of peeking kept me on track and kept me sober. Additionally, as a result I had lots of creative energy to expend on making art as opposed to depleting it on porn. I need to stay with it and I need to stay close to you people. I will be alone again for a good part of the day tomorrow so it's crucial that I keep in touch.

I love feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, which is what I get when I'm sober. Additionally I do all the right things - walk, eat properly, get a good night's sleep, nurture my brain with healthy material such as reading a novel, etc. All it requires is staying away from porn. Seems like a pretty simple, logical choice doesn't it? Sh*t versus serenity. Gotta stay focused and cut off any pollutants before they seep into my brain. Additionally I need to tell you people about the seepage before it becomes a flood.

Rider I like what you had to say about doing more than just fighting the urge. I'm an artist. Over the past couple of months, due to various reasons I have not had an opportunity to make art. However, today I was able to get back into my studio again. It was pure bliss. I have always known that the only thing that is as strong as my addiction, and ultimately has the power to curb my addiction, is my desire to make art. When I make art everything is cool. However, if I don't make art for a while my well gets empty and then toxic things (negativity, anxiety, self-doubt, resentment) gradually pour into the well. Art feeds my soul, it's my essence. Always has been and always will be. It's who I am. When I don't nurture it eventually bad things start to happen. Can't explain it. That's just how it works for me.

So... over the past few months I've gotten out of balance. That's one of my wife's favourite words 'BALANCE'. I'm not a very good balance kind of guy. When I make a list of things I want to get done I tend to sacrifice everything else in order to get done what I set out to do. I don't like having a whole bunch of projects sitting around half completed. But the problem is when I do that I don't make art because I don't want to have a painting sitting on the easel half finished. Once I'm into it I'm in  touch with it so to speak, so I have to finish or I lose connection with it. I lose touch with the steps in my head that I have worked out prior to starting. So then I don't make any art in order to finish the list. And then the bad stuff  (primarily resentment over the fact that I'm not making art because I've always got so many other things to do) starts to creep in. Maybe the trick is to make a shorter list! Make mini lists that I can complete in a shorter period of time in order to make art between lists! That's called 'BALANCE'! What a concept! Cool!

One of the things I really like about this stuff is the more I journal on this site the more I learn about myself, how my brain is programmed, how I operate and, through examination, how I can approach things differently. One of the things I know about myself, something I just touched on in the preceeding paragraph, is this all or nothing attitude. It's all one way or all the other. No compromise. Made a list - then finish it. Don't let anything else get in the way until it's done. It becomes a mission! Even the idea of compromising on it makes me feel creepy somehow. The thought of a bunch of loose ends makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's really good information for me. I have to think about that more.

Thanks again to all of you. I am grateful.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 23, 2014, 11:13:15 PM
Hi Survivor.

What a wonderfully insightful post yours was. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what's going on inside when the addiction bites.

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: icanbeatthis on September 24, 2014, 02:08:55 AM
Hi there mate. Have been reading your posts and seeing myself in a lot of them. I am into my third month now of no porn or masturbating and found out that by emptying my life and mind of that porn shit, i had to fill it up with something else, or the shit will slide back into the hole you dug it out of.......i can say that if i dont keep my mind on the job with other stuff, the temptation can come back to visit. I havtn fallen, and do not intend to. The love of my wife, who does not know about all this, and the friends i have found here, have and WILL get me thru to complete reboot. I dont want to look and porn, i find no desire to but do find myself looking at girls often and imagining them in various stages of dress and 'activity'. This is somehting i am working on now........keep it up mate, we are all here to help each other
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 24, 2014, 10:31:30 AM
Survivor here.

Good morning.

Another day where I am left to my own devices. Feels kinda like being a rebellious teenager - thinking about having a party while Mom and Dad are away for the weekend. "Are you going to be a good boy while we are away Survivor?" I guess that's how my brain operates. Go sneaking off and do what 'I' want to do when nobody else is around. Pretty sneaky and deceitful way to think.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty strong at the moment. I know I need to get my butt out of this chair and get busy. Sitting around for extended amounts of time is not good for me. My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.

And yet they only seem to plague me when I'm actively pursuing porn. The longer I go without porn the less frequent, and less intense, these issues become. So... the porn fuels the remembrance of the situations and the remembrance of the situations fuels the porn. Rather symbiotic. They feed each other and feed on each other. So if I don't pursue one it will gradually dissipate and, as a result, the other one will gradually dissipate also. That's how vigilant I need to be re: what information I let into my brain. It's not only lustful thoughts that need to be checked at the door. It's also negative thoughts of any kind because, for me, porn use feeds on negativity.

Good to remind myself that's how my brain operates.


Catch you later.

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 24, 2014, 10:36:56 AM
I just wanted to make a note of this. Something is different today. It's hard to describe. But looking back through some of my posts, everything looks a little different. First of all, I think I'm only now realizing how deep into this I had really gotten. It's almost like looking at the account of some other person, if that makes sense. I mean, I know it was me, but it doesn't feel like it was me. I'm seeing that this had taken over pretty much my entire consciousness. I thought about it all the time, asleep and awake. For two weeks, I've been directing my thoughts towards other things. But in the last 24 hours, I find my mind is full of other things on it's own. I'm pretty sure it won't be permanent. The thinking pattern will come back. But I'm making careful mental note of how I feel right now. When I slip into another thought pattern, I want to be able to remind myself how I felt this morning.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 24, 2014, 10:42:50 AM
My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.


Try this. The resentments. Think about it differently. Things happened to you in the past and you've dealt with them with porn. But you now know that the porn is hurting you even more. Are you going to let those things in the past hurt you more and more? Porn won't make them better. It seems like it will, because for a moment you'll feel better. But you know that it actually makes things worse. So you can say to yourself "that won't help" and know that it's true. You know your mind is trying to play a trick on you. But you know that response is no trick. It's a fact. Porn won't help, and you know it will make it worse.

Don't let them hurt you any more. Stop the cycle today. This is your day to stand up and fight back. Now get off the computer and go do something!
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 24, 2014, 12:56:45 PM
No question that I'm having a strange day. My mind is throwing a lot at me. The unusual clarity of this morning was replaced with a weird anxiety and very near relapse. You all know that feeling when your brain has given up resistance and you're resigned to the fact that you're going to find some porn. But something came up that prevented me from doing it at that moment, and I was able to resist after that problem was cleared. That was close.

I'm kind of back to where I've been for the last couple of weeks right now. It pops into my head a lot, and I redirect my thoughts fairly easily. And I'm noticing something else. It's been happening for a few days but I wasn't aware of it. When I do have thoughts I need to redirect, they're not as extreme as they used to be. No need to go into detail here, I'm sure you can all imagine. But realizing that was helpful. Just as the morning erections have been a sign of a difference physically, this realization is a sign of a change mentally. It's reassuring and it's helping me understand that this will work. There's no question about it. The escalation I went through with porn and sex is reversing. I feel like it's really important to press on through the next few days with a lot of attention on my thoughts and absolutely not letting myself fall.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 24, 2014, 09:04:08 PM
Survivor here.

Thanks for your input re: resentments Jijnyasu. My brain bombarded me with lots of past resentments today. I was aware of the trick - trying to get me hooked again. In almost every instance I was able to cut off the monologue surrounding the resentment as soon as it started. A couple of times it ran on for about 30 seconds when I suddenly realized what I was doing, said "STOP"!, and broke the spell.

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


Thanks again for being there for me.

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 24, 2014, 10:11:19 PM
Glad to hear it Survivor!

I had a rough day. I made it through, but it was rough. Got home on time and was surprised to find I had the house to my self. I wasn't expecting that. So I dressed out and went to the gym. Had a really hard time keeping my eyes where they should be and I felt like a jerk. I'm just having a tough day. Going to bed soon and tomorrow will be better. After that great clarity about everything this morning, it stinks that it got so bad. I'm just bouncing all over the place. But I made it through another day. It was a tough one.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 24, 2014, 10:22:15 PM
Hey Survivor,
Congrats on another successful day. I'm kind of puzzled though reading your posts?


I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


I'm puzzled why you say things like "Now all I have to remember is not to take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night?"

For me that's just a given! There is no peeking, period! And because there's no peeking of any kind I don't need to remember not to peek.
 
Comments such as  "I was alone all day today" have no significance either because it wouldn't matter if I was home alone for a week, I've made a commitment to myself to not look at porn.
There are no peeks. There is no I'll just have a little look to see if I can resist it (testing myself). I just don't fucking go there, end of story. 

Guy's you've really got to make a clear distinction in your minds about what you really want?

Your either going to take a stand and beat the damn addiction by never ever surrendering to it, or your just going to "try" and beat it. There is a distinct difference in the mindset of the two thoughts.

Survivor, you shouldn't have to be remembering to not look at porn. By thinking of "tomorrow I'll have the house to myself", it's like your allowing your subconscious to draw your mind into dwelling on what you did at those times in the past.

Try and see every day as just a new day that the new porn free Survivor will cruise through. Porn's out of the question for you, so being at home alone isn't a risk factor. When the thoughts arise just dismiss them and move on with your day.         
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 25, 2014, 10:21:42 AM
Rider is right. I caught myself last night. Just thinking about it wrong (and probably too much). I'm not fighting with porn. I'm not trying to hold it at bay. It's just gone. And I'm not going to feel sorry for myself about it, because there's nothing to feel sorry for. It did bad things to me. Good riddance. I'm not a poor, recovering addict. I'm a guy who had enough and took control of my life again. That's where I was a couple of weeks ago when everything was good. That's where I am again this morning. It's when i let myself think about "oh, this is sooo hard" that I start to get week. It isn't hard. It isn't anything. It's just gone.

The brain's ability to fuck with you is amazing. You have to engage that part that is fully conscious when you're clear minded and remind yourself what you're doing, and why. Then that's it. Put it away. I'm spending way too much time dragging this out and thinking about it. Stop being a guy who's "not looking at porn". I'm not doing a lot of things, but I don't think about them. Get on with life. Fill my brain with what I AM doing.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 25, 2014, 10:07:30 PM
Survivor here.

Thanks for your comments Rider and Jijnyasu. I appreciate both your feedback and your concerns for my recovery.

I thought a lot today about what the two of you had to say. Upon reflection I think that different people handle their recovery in different ways.

As for myself, I look at my addict as a separate personality. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Almost like I have two personas. Dr. Jekyll wants the best for me but Mr. Hyde has his own plans. It does not matter that part of me wants to stay away from porn and that part of me can say "Porn is not an option." 'I', the Dr. Jekyll part knows that porn should not be an option and 'I' know that porn is unhealthy for me. However, Mr. Hyde has been in control for a very long time and is not going to quit trying to be in control just because I say "porn is not an option." If it were that easy for me I would not need this site, nor would I need the support of you folks.

For myself, the only way I can beat this stuff is to confront what is happening for me on a daily basis, be hyper vigilant on a daily basis and share what's happening for me on a daily basis, especially in the beginning. Additionally, because I have had such a long history with this stuff I know quite well what my triggers are, as well as knowing what my danger times are. And I need to address those issues as they arise, one day at a time.

I truly hope that I will get to a point where I can say to myself "Porn is not an option." with the solid belief that I will not go back there again. I know that sounds defeatist, however it's not meant to be. It's simply my awareness of the fact that I am currently quite vulnerable because I only have a few days sober and, as a result, I need to deal with situations as they arise and not get overly complacent. That's how I operated in my other program and it worked as it allowed me to get enough sobriety time together to believe that I really could live without that stuff. And now I do live without that other stuff.

I totally accept what you are saying re:  'porn is not an option'. It's a very powerful mantra and I am incorporating it into my recovery. However, for me, saying something and believing in it totally are two different processes. I have to keep drumming it into my head before it fully becomes my reality. We had phrase in my other program, "Came (no bad pun intended - it means to show up essentially), came to (meaning to open one's mind to another possibility) and came to believe." For myself, I came to this site, I've come to be open to the idea that it will help me; and all of you people have already helped me a great deal more than you even realize; and now I'm coming to believe that I really can shut myself off from porn for the rest of my life.   

Different strokes for different folks.


Once again I do appreciate all of your input. Catch you tomorrow.

P.S. I had a good day. A few urges this evening but I came to this site and wrote to you people instead.

Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: SO Reboot Partner on September 26, 2014, 04:55:43 AM
Survivor here.

Thanks for your input re: resentments Jijnyasu. My brain bombarded me with lots of past resentments today. I was aware of the trick - trying to get me hooked again. In almost every instance I was able to cut off the monologue surrounding the resentment as soon as it started. A couple of times it ran on for about 30 seconds when I suddenly realized what I was doing, said "STOP"!, and broke the spell.

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


Thanks again for being there for me.

Great job identifying your triggers and setting your own boundaries! This is 90% of the battle, making that choice for a better life and love. Bravo, Dude, You are the Boss - not the p.
 :D
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 26, 2014, 09:57:51 AM
"We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 26, 2014, 10:20:47 AM
Survivor's comments really got me thinking. That idea that it seems as if there are two of us. But of course, there is not. There is the one "you", and there are your thoughts. You are not your thoughts, something I learned from a very good teacher many years ago. This article explains it much better than I can.

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2014/04/24/want-peace-stop-identifying-with-your-thoughts/

"Likewise, your THOUGHTS are never the real YOU. Why? Because thoughts come and go, but you are always present. YOU are aware of thoughts, thoughts are not aware of you, or as Mooji says, “Thoughts report to you, you don’t report to thoughts.”

"This is why believing our thoughts leads to suffering; because we are putting our attention/identity on a temporary and fleeting mental appearance. Because thoughts are inherently unstable, we feel unstable when we identify with them."

I'm going to paraphrase an explanation that I once heard that I could understand. There's that constant dialogue in your mind. A stream of words that never stops. But it isn't a dialogue at all. It's a monologue. It's a voice that we think is us. But if that is us, who is the listener? The listener is the real you. The monologue is simply your thoughts. The thoughts will happen, there's nothing we can do about that. We can quite the voice for a bit through meditation, or when we're single mindedly accomplishing an all consuming task. But that's temporary. The voice always comes back- the stream of thoughts. The key is understanding that the thoughts aren't real. They aren't you. Be the listener. When you have that realization, that you are the one listening to the thoughts, the illusion is broken. Stop trying to change the thoughts. Just realize that you can choose not to listen to them. When the thoughts start, become aware of the listener and realize that is the real you. Be the listener, and choose not to take the thoughts seriously.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: survivor on September 26, 2014, 12:38:44 PM
Survivor here.

I'm still doing the things that work for me, and they are still working.

It's a beautiful day and I'm off to enjoy it.


Cheers to all!
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 30, 2014, 11:00:42 AM
This seems to be getting easier after week three. I'm feeling a lot better. I think last week was the hardest so far. A lot of mind games. A lot of trying to tell myself "Hey, you're better now. Just a little won't hurt.". It sounds silly, but your brain plays a lot of tricks on you. Glad I made it through, and really happy about how I'm feeling so far this week.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: rider654321 on September 30, 2014, 04:38:34 PM
This seems to be getting easier after week three. I'm feeling a lot better. I think last week was the hardest so far. A lot of mind games. A lot of trying to tell myself "Hey, you're better now. Just a little won't hurt.". It sounds silly, but your brain plays a lot of tricks on you. Glad I made it through, and really happy about how I'm feeling so far this week.

Well done Jijnyasu,
There are a lot of mind games in those first 3 or 4 weeks, and so long as your foundations for your reboot are strong
you can weather any mind storm that comes along. I've been in the doldrums the last few days and I've noticed that I've been tempted with a few thoughts and feelings. But I remain strong and committed and the thought of ever caving is just out of the question. I can't express how good that part alone feels. To know I'm being tested and that I will never give in to those temptations.

Your doing great my friend. Stay vigilant of the thoughts and keep walking the path. Your already seeing the improvements and it does keeps getting easier.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 30, 2014, 07:22:36 PM
Yeah, the whole "reboot" thing can mess with you too. I've pretty much made a decision to eliminate porn from my life forever. I just don't see how any good can ever come from it. Sure there are desires that come about. And I know I'll MO again one day. I kind of tell myself that I'm really angry at porn for what it did to me. lol It's a silly way to look at it, but it works. And don't intend to make up with it down the road. There's a much better option in my life who's pretty happy to have me back.
Title: Re: And I'm off.
Post by: Jijnyasu on October 05, 2014, 11:27:04 PM
Well, hell. I messed up. But I'm not going to let it derail me. I didn't binge. Just once. And I know one time doesn't undo all the prgoress I made. It's just a set back.

Damn I wish I hadn't done that. But it is what it is, and I know there's nothing to do but get back on track.