Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: zazen on May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM

Title: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM
Late 30s single and been dealing with P for a hell of a long time.. and its been robbing me for my self-worth.

as I started getting a computer since 13yo, my first search phrase was 'sex' in IRC forums and would happily wait +30min on a 14.4kb/s dialup modem, waiting for a picture of a women to show.
well, its easy to say things on the internet has changed since. P was somehow always around the corner, it got easier and easier to get a hold of. Going from magazines to torrents, high speed and yea.. you know the drill. I always had to have the release.. the quick fix. Little did I know that most of my anxieties and self doubt started because of this self medication. It was a way of comforting myself and showing myself love (i must have felt that) where I didn't feel I got it from the right places (my parents for example). So I just had to numb myself with these images to feel good.

As I got older I got into dating sites. I would say most of my sexual encounters are from the internet. I had a way with words online at that time, and ive probably been with +50women or so. Not that it is a thing to be proud of.. but I do have experience with women. Well, that was the days. Things are different today, but that is a story for another time.

I never had any PIED, my issues are with loneliness, feelings of not being good enough, worthy of love etc. and hence resolving to p to ease my mind. Which cascades into social anxiety and becoming somewhat a passive person, hesitating on a lot of things in life due to accumulated low self worth. I combated that with becoming great at things, mostly masculine things such as martial arts.

I am starting this journal so I can keep track of my progress. I started 29/4 so I am totally PMO free 24 days by now. I am not setting any goals for now.

Reading others journals kind of scares me, how the relapse can get a hold of people and creep back in. I have tried pmo free for months, but then life happened and I got stressed and fell back into it.. so I know how dangerous the cycle is. 

But from now on I have decided to be better myself. I have decided to respect myself. Why would I serve myself with thrash? Do I see myself as thrash? No! .. I am a worthy person that is worthy of love, compassion and someone that loves me for who I am. Even if it's hard to believe, I know it's the truth. But in order for the truth to come to fruition, I have to act correspondently. I have to walk the walk!

What does that mean for me?

1. I am hereby deciding not to view anything that triggers me, and lure me into the rabbit hole of endless 'just a little peek'
2. I am hereby deciding, that when a trigger comes (it will come) I will observe the feeling of desire, the feeling of an undisciplined mind, and I will chose to meditate instead.
3. I am hereby deciding to update here on a weekly basis at least until 01/2020. even if its just a counter update. I need to hold myself accountable.

I started my journey 24 days ago (29 april 2019), and im to this day fully PMO free. I look forward to continue this disciplined act with 1 small step every single day.
Know there will be times where triggers come, and I vizualise myself being steadfast, and removing myself from the situation instantly. I am not a religous person but am really praying to god that I can have the strenght to overcome the urges when the expected triggers come. So far I have been doing amazing and I am proud of myself... so now its just a matter of trucking ahead ever so slowly. There is no rush.. just 1% better every single day.

and to address my subject title. 'go through the pain'. I believe this is a must for all of us. Feeling the pain of withdrawal, the pain of wanting, the pain of cravings.. really feel it, and sit through it. I know easier said than done. But my belief is we will become stronger the day after, if we can just sit through the pain in that moment and not succumb to the desires. I look forward to see if I can do it. I have really had zero cravings so far.. I think reading blogs of others have affected me so much that is has sincerely scared the shit out of me. I have cried reading other peoples blogs, how this thing have destroyed their lifes... and then I got flashbacks of places I had to have the 'fix' and feel ashamed of how I could let it go on my entire life. Well, I do forgive myself and now i am only looking ahead.. but maan, I dont want to read myself in 5 years here again about me relapsing over and over again and my life is going to the drains. No fucking way!..  no fucking way.. I am not here to TRY.. I am here to fucking eradicate this bs fake pixel crap out of my life once and for all.

Last time I had a long streak (+5 months I believe it was), I messed it up by rationalising one day, that it was okey to view girls twerking on yt.. then it went on from there and fell back into it.
Not making that mistake again. Also I remember starting edging, playing with myself with a bathmate etc. also a wrong choice. I learned and im wiser now. No temptations what so ever. I am here to go through the pain this time. if any triggers come ; I shut it down!..... I got this for good this time!!

final note. why did I attach the image of BL?
Look at his eyes.. what are they saying? "dont fucking mess with me"..
Look at his character.. "im not the one to be messed around with".
Look at his tightened jaw "I might look calm, but expect fire upon you"

... he is certain in himself. He glows a calm demeanour, yet power within. He has confidence that he can kill anything on his path that tests him. He is not bullshitting, his eyes says it all. "I will take you down with every inch of fiber in my body". ..... This is how I feel now.. that feeling, where I am certain I can give this up for good. Please god give me the strength.

Thank you for reading.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on May 15, 2019, 07:51:50 PM

Welcome! :)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 16, 2019, 04:18:53 AM
nice one thnx!  :D

im reading the book YBOP and really liking it!.. read this which I find very interesting

"Quitting isn't a cure all for your life problems – but it's the foundation, a ploughed field
in which you can sow seeds for a new future that isn't bedevilled by the secrecy and shame that comes with falling into the seemingly inescapable pit of porn-related despair that so many of us know. A life of hope and strength – not jizzy tissues, jealousy, bitterness, self-hatred, resentment and unfulfilled dreams.”

... a foundation where you aren't ashamed of yourself for doing what you know is wrong. I like that idea. I always liked the notion of respecting one self and doing what acts in ones best self interest.
i know for sure I feel like shit when PMOed, not going back to those low life actions again. yea I might be harsh here, but it's just me realising how low i've been throughout my years of pixel consumption, numbing myself ... not thinking.   I would love to say "i was thinking it would cure me, that is why i was doing it".. but no. I was not thinking at all ... just reacting of my lust, wanting and urges of my whatever the hell my body told me .. no self control whatsoever.   

Oh well, no need to go back in time and punish myself .. that was then. I am here now. I am going to the gym, eating crazy healthy (started keto) and meditating daily and I'm fucking lovinn it!..
hey year 2020.. your pmo-free ass is mine! I promise myself to become better, improve and go after real girls and enjoy myself. have fun. laugh. smile. become proud of my life.  I got this!

counter : day 25

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 17, 2019, 12:22:54 PM
Doin well.. just an update to get myself accountable here.
I notice that when i browse youtube or anything, and if a beautiful woman pops into the suggested videos (I have a high trigger for beautiful faces) i am diciplined enough to quickly remove it.. Either I remove the suggested video in youtube, or instantly observe that I feel lust.. and my brains instantly says *TRIGGER* ... then I know to remove myself from the situation. Im really thankful I am mindful about that my feelings and how I can see when my body feels the urge to click onto that beautiful face.. nop, not doing it!..  I have to be honest that reading other posts in RN kind of scares me.. seeing other guys reboot every week or so... I just think to myself,, maan.. I dont want to do that to myself. I guess that drives me as well. Guess Im just fed up of not having dicipline in my life, and I am making up for it now. 

I trust myself and believe in myself that i can stick to the process. I have set my goal. its already done. nothing can stop me.

Will keep on reading YBOP and become more knowledgeable on why our brains act this way.  I will come here more often and write, as I think it helps me in my journey. If i let go, I have a feeling the odds of slipping into a desire would be much higher. Definitely not going that path.. Better to come here and spill out my thoughts.

counter : may 17 / day 26 
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on May 17, 2019, 12:52:46 PM
Once you've finished the YBOP book, I can highly recommend you "The Porn Myth" by Matt Fradd! It's an excellenct book on the different negative effects porn has from various perspectives. And it has a very cool appendix at the end where numerous scientific findings are listed. Many known ones (p causes ED) but also other ones like that in many (I think it's actually 50% but I'm not too sure) of the divorces in the US porn has been a component. Highly recommended!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: mobilfreak on May 17, 2019, 01:43:28 PM
Great decision mate!

I belive in you, you have the power to change you life. Only have it and can use it wisely!

Just one thing I felt when I read about your decisions. That's great decisions, and will help you alot. And also, two things motives people. Fear or love. Or in other words. A dream or a nightmare.

You dream of having a PMO free life will helping you to stay away from what's making you feel bad about yourself. And your fear will help you push your self away from where you are.

When in balance, that will make you the best life.

But if you would fall one day, and decided in advance, "I will never do" it's a chance you will beat up on yourself.

My suggestion is that you make a decision, with your compassion and love for your self, that you will take care of yourself if you fall. In that way it will help you get up on feet fast and the relapse will not be that deep and long.

And to this also a warning. Don't make it like a excuse for doing PMO. "well I have already promised my self compassion, so it's Okey"

Hope you get what I mean. If not. Just let it all go out the other ear
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 17, 2019, 03:52:28 PM
Thanks Pete, will read that book once finished with this one. I have seen other mention it, so definitely worth a try to cement in how toxic this stuff is.

mobilfreak I totally get you, I have a black/white mentality and usually I dont place a greyzone .. its do or die. The thing is (as you mention) we are human and can fail.. and I do remember being hard on myself for not 'making it' (whatever it might be)... so me getting back up has always been difficult. You'r comment made me think it over.

I think I will change my perspective abit (and not be that black/white) to;  lets just take one step, one day a time... Appreciate every single minute and day I can abstain from this toxic content.
Have a hard time writing 'if i relapse then i'll forgive myself etc'.... I mean, I totally get what you are writing.. its just hard for me to have that safe-way plan.
Kind of confused right now hehe, because I know you are trying to help, so I wont be too hard on myself if i should relapse.. but the thought of relapsing disgusts me right now. I get sad thinking about it.. So it's like I rather want to burn my bridges and only stay strong and forge forward.

The thing is, I know life can happen.. stress, loneliness, people letting you down, feelings of not being good enough or doubting one self etc. All of these, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and maybe into relapse. I am aware of this process. I think i'm kind of denying that these things can happen emotionally right now.

I think the best thing would to have a plan if xyz would happen. fx.
IF I get aroused by watching a pretty face, and I find myself chase ; then I will do this.

like, being proactive rather than being reactive in that moment.

for now, my plan is this : if I get the feeling of arousal then shut it down!..
well, I hope this plan can last.. but man, I am a person with a lot of sexual needs which i am just putting on the side.. eventually it has to come out. I just hope I can find a girl to date/have sex with before my sexual tension builds up too much.

So far I haven't made any attempt of going after women. The last 1-2 years have been strictly focus on my business.. this has taken a toll on me, as financials are hard on me now.. and my living situation isn't optimal to bring women here. So I have just plugged away working nonstop daily. Not healthy I know...  but, this is how things are now.

I have an idea that says ; WHEN my business is thriving, THEN I can get my own place and first THEN I can allow myself to go after women.. it's like I dont feel worthy as things are right now.. its really a shame as I am sabotaging myself big time and not living in the now.

The good thing is I started to go to the gym again and build up muscle, that gave me confidence some years ago. That might help on the situation. But still have thoughts on my living situation and my business which is holding me back from .. well,, Life...  And without any real life, seeing people etc. then its a double whammy on the lonelyness which leads to .. me trying to comfort myself.. just a little.. which could turn into a loss of dicipline and rationalize a small pmo. You know the drill.  So this is my life right now. 

sry to rant) but the more i write here, the more I realise i need to change parts in my life. Maybe P is never the root-cause of all this.. maybe it's just me wanting to be acknowledged by someone.. someone that is proud of me.. someone that looks at me with dreamy eyes when I wake up,  and just love me for who I am. I've had it before... but that girl let me down big time and hurt me.
Since that day (3 years ago) I promised myself that I would focus on business and isolate myself. I've been doing that .. but getting little to no where. 

Not sure what to do as things are now... I think i'll just keep going with my work, and stay on the PMO free path. But I dont think it will fix my issues of social anxiety or loneliness.
I am really good with meeting women when I travel.. but back here, nothing. Just total isolation.  I haven't travelled for 1.5 years now, and its frustrating... but as financial things are now, I cant allow myself to travel.  so many things mixed up..

I think i'm being in a low state right now. am normally a very positive and strong person...
I can feel im just ranting here with thoughts all over the place, will stop now. thnx for commenting. 
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 18, 2019, 04:01:06 PM
I've been doing KETO diet for a week or so today and felt groggy and low energy.. I think that was why I ranted yesterday as well, oh well..
Today we held birthday for a friend, There were lots of sugary stuff... but all I chose to eat was a very small slice of cake.

That is pretty good for a whole week of no sugar. I use to eat sugary stuff without being mindful about it.. but I have completely changed that.

Just like I somehow adopted the 'Trigger' thought for seeing women on the laptop, I have adopted the same for sugar and quickly observe myself and see the wanting.
Then I act in my best interest .. "I decided not to, so i'm not doing it".

I am proud that I am getting more and more disciplined. Something I always wanted..
hopefully I can hold this streak, I really feel I am becoming crazy observant of my thoughts and actions this time.

counter : may 18 / day 27

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 20, 2019, 04:38:16 PM
Super stressed right now due to my work not going as I want it to.. struggling the most to make money. stressed financially and that is keeping me inside. That is not helping me on the social side, nor mentally being inside all day. I dont want to go back to an ordinary job, but maybe I have to.. I dont know. super stressed out, lost $ today and head is hurting...

I know my state is incredibly low after making the mistakes today. stressed and tired, + some lonelyness and nagging at people.. and isolating myself. yea.. that is no good at all. These are the times I usually watch something innocent and get lured into the rabbit hole and end up PMOing. but NO.. Not this time.. P is not an option. I will face my pain and sit through it.. I am not giving in.

Hard to motivate myself after failing over and over again with what I really want to do. Maybe Im just not fit to do this kind of work. man.. years wasted if I have to give it up.

counter : may 20 / day 29
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 21, 2019, 09:35:00 AM
Dont know if this is a weird thing or not.. but was googling for a person for some work related. Then a image of a person having intercoarse was shown in one of the other thumbnails.. my eyes glazed over it, and then... I felt really.., like really sad.. just thought out "why..."

Naturally I didnt even want to view the picture, didnt press the thumbnail or anything.
Just observed how it killed me inside.. the feeling of sorrow and sadness... maybe it was a subconscious expression of all my life wasted on this bullshit in the past. Get sad just by writing it now.. I guess I am in a phase of hurting and getting over deep feelings from the past. It can only mean I am in the right path by having these emotions. Seems like I really want to meet with real life people, and not waste a single second watching pixels.

I have a past hobby of taking photos, so was viewing images on a forum site afterwards. I do see many beautiful women (not nude), and I am very aware as soon as the slightest arousal comes then I click away. I am mostly viewing as I am in awe of how the photographers take amazing pictures, and I feel like I want to go back to this hobby. It is not just for women-chasing, I would actually prefer to take images of children and men as I dont get performance anxiety etc. I have that issue if i'd have to photograph women,, I know its a false belief because I am actually really good at it. Social anxiety has held me back in many aspects in my life.. really sad.

anyways, I am thankful for sticking out a full month! Yaahh!.. I have not watched anything whatsoever, no pmo of any kinds - huge improvement.
I dont know if I am flatlining or what it's called.. I do feel lethargic and down these last weeks.. feeling down and just questioning everything. Just general dissatisfaction with life and not being fulfilled. But this has been an ongoing feeling through many years to be honest.. I think its my ADD that is causing most of these feelings. 

anyhow, I do feel getting rid of pmo is a great choice i've made and i am going through with it. I dont expect wonders of any sort.. just chosen to eliminate what I feel is not good for me.
Here is to one more month!.. :)

counter : may 21 / day 30
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on May 21, 2019, 12:29:46 PM
congrats, keep going!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 22, 2019, 06:38:19 AM
Thanks Pete)

I have decided to begin the language i've always wanted to learn. So recently started a audio coarse and listening to it on my way to gym every day.. aprox 1h per day. I am totally getting it and getting better at it. I have also found a site where you can look up people to practice with. Problem is, I naturally seek out the ones that are beautiful.. not sure if its a problem, but just feel I get horny by seeing their images. hmm.. I will restrain myself and keep it no zero flirting and strictly language learning. I have decided to learn the language, so here goes! ... I feel i am becoming more and more diciplined which I am super grateful for.. like really really grateful. Not sure if its the restraining of pmo which gives me more testostoron or something. I mean,, I have crazy amounts of testostoron already... I wish I could give some of it to guys here with PIED because my hornyness is over the top haha..

The thing is, I am VERY aware the instant I get horny and diciplined to acknowledge it, and kind of .. 'talk to it'.. talk to my hornyness to talk it down so it wont escalate to doing anything that is not good for me. It usually started out with touching/stroking myself just a little bit.. which led to full pmo. I am not going there.. why? because I am really starting to feel the good effects this stuff gives me, most of all.. the dicipline to stick in there with something.

The pressure down there is for real, everything in my body is screaming "releaase the pressure"..  its like small gremlins screaming 'do it.. just do it' and trying to lure my body to get more and more horny so I can realease the pressure.. fuck, they are doin it good - but im not giving in. I know this is a part of the journey.. i know it's their job to make me wanting to relapse.

counter : may 22 / day 31
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 22, 2019, 09:09:49 AM
Congrats on 31 days. I like what you said about talking to your "hornyness", I havent thought about that as a way of deescalating your hormones, I will try that. I usually stick to prayer, but maybe I need a more Bruce Lee style as you mentioned earlier.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 22, 2019, 09:26:53 AM

Had the funniest experience when I woke up. My member was rock solid, and it had it's own agenda. = "Get as horny as possible so he does something about it"

But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

Basically talking him down and not being so reactive haha.. I have never done that,, like', spoken to him lol..  I rememeber laughing about it when I was up. crazy stuff right there :)

It's just to show I am becoming more aware. I like that!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 22, 2019, 09:34:05 AM
My problem for the moment is, these women writing me.. and as in they being hot as hell.
(my looks are good and I've never had issues getting women.. especially not via online)

so, I get responses for the ones I like for the most,, and they are rather receptive.
now here is the thing.. if they respond with something that can get my imagination going... just a little thing as ;

"Hello,Let's get  acquainted!, maybe we are a match, who knows?"
or getting a whatsapp number to practice language with her.

ouff man.. my member goes bananas.. I have a really hard time not being horny. It has nothing to do with watching P.
well, it's like I have even more hornyness than for a month ago. So my challenge is trying to calm down my feelings.
and try not to think so much in sexuality when I speak with these women..  I will give it my best. Dont want to fall into the trap of a quick release just because of future imaginations which has incredibly low odds of happening (meeting them and having sex with them).. I mean, it could happen but would require too much effort as things being.. travelling abourd etc.

focus = practice language. thats it!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on May 22, 2019, 10:08:50 AM
Simple solution: Talk to guys!

Also, which language are you going to learn?
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 23, 2019, 08:25:12 AM
But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

this killed me!  ;D ;D ;D So its not only talking to your hornyness, but also to your penis; whatever works right! I will let you know if that works for me.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 24, 2019, 09:36:07 AM
Quick update.
Today, right now,, feeling it massively and being challenged as hell. The urges,, everything in my body is trying to get the to the point to Touch myself so I can stress off. . The only way I use to do it was with pmo. But I am a lot wiser and smarter now,, still.. signals of my body and what remembers lies deep and body is really strong. Its a fight of mind vs body right now.. and I feel I am in the middle of the fight.. being tossed back and forth between feelings and rational thinking.

I have not have this kind of urges to this degree to this date. Its hard not takng the easy way out (pmo). Releasing and giving in is so easy and so luring. But I have decided I am sticking to it, so I am.. My mind is just troubled with a lot of stress lately, and my body is trying to tell me to relax.
But releasing (that is what I name it,, giving into pmo and ejaculating).. wont solve any of my issues.. I know I would put shame on myself after and that would worsen my situation.

I am sticking in there, pmo is no option. Despite this being my absolute hardest day, i wont give in. I got this..   I will take a shower now and do something to get out the apartment.. take a walk some where. I hope this fight will stop today, its crazy.. dont want to be a part of this.

“Stick it out... u got this” is my note to self, while sitting here crying why things has to be like this. I dont get it.. didnt think i would get to this point and feel like this. I acknowledge that the struggle is a part if it.

“Go through the pain”.. ok, gotten a bit off my chest now, im glad. Distracted me for a bit there..
plan for now : meditate, shower, getout.

counter : may 24 / day 33
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 25, 2019, 07:38:26 AM
Proud of myself for not falling into the traps yesterday. It was a hard time, but I fought through...
fought through the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, loneliness, despair and a total confusing time in my life.

and for that, this post must include a I Have the Powerrr heman moment. I overcame strong urges. Important step for me.

I am thankful and I feel blessed being able to withstand.. despite going through hard times.
... for I know... after rain, comes sun. I believe in myself. I got this

going for day 40 now! lets do this!!!

counter : may 25 / day 34
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 26, 2019, 07:33:47 AM
nothing new, just a small update to keep myself accountable.

I am grateful that I acknowledge this as a slow and steady process (and in no way an easy one)... it will eventually be worthwhile.
I am grateful that I take it one day a time.
I am grateful that I am observant of my thoughts, feelings and actions as soon as triggers pop up.

Come to terms with that there are triggers everywhere.. they are totally unavoidable.. it's just how the world is mixed together now a days. More and more sexual commercials, women getting more and more screwed up looking for attention on media etc. I mean you can barely watch a youtube talent show without getting ** stuck into you'r face after 10 minuttes of watching.
This is just how it is... I cannot control that.

What I can do, is to my best ability to ;
1. acknowledge I am seeing something that excites me.
2. see it for what it is (something that is on a screen and not real)
3. appreciate it and let it go. simply step away or manage the lust by focusing else where.

Simply learning to control my self when triggers arise. If I'd want 0 triggers I would be have to live under a rock.. that is not going to happen. Better to learn how to self-control thoughts feelings and actions of one self. If any lust grows by continued watching, then my rule is to click away.. there is no benefit of hurting one self like that, proceed to watch something that teases you and could eventually fall into the trap.

This is what I am trying to regulate within myself, observe trigger, appreciate it's beauty, acknowledge it is not real, seeing it has no benefit for me right now, let it go.

was only suppose to journal this post by with an update of my counter.. I always end up writing more stuff. oh well.. If just one line could help just one person out there, then i will keep writing.
This is no easy journey.. should I make it, it would be great for everyone to see my complete diary with all my thought and tactics.

come to think of it, what is it to Make it?.. To achieve success with this.  The odds of falling back and relapsing are high..  I think I have to define what success is for me, otherwise it will be tough in hard time. I think for me it is to never let my guards down, and continually manage my thoughts and emotions on a day-by-day basis. I think addicts (of any sort) needs to fight daily and be vigilant towards any form of triggers and have a plan that replaces the usual addictive actions that follows. For me now,  I am coping by acknowledging as soon as I see a beautiful woman, and step away from it (the process I mentioned above). I have proved to myself that i've been diciplined and strong enough to follow this for 30some days. But what will happen on the days I am really high/low?.. What if my guards come down?.. not sure for now. I just down want to mess this streak up, so a lot of random thoughts come out here.

I know i'll be writing about pain at some point. will keep that for another post.. but think P was my escape to avoid the painful times of loneliness.. using it to relief my worries about my future.. thoughts of 'am I good enough to have a girlfriend that loves me'... feelings of low self-worth drowned by pixels,, that lead to even lower self destructive thoughts, doubt and lower self worth.
What a Vicious cycle....  What a sad way to treat one self.. Painful to think back how much stuff have hurt me.... but now, finally, I am breaking free from it. need to get over this period of flatline, so I can get back on track and build up confindence to live life again. For now, everything feels like being in a rut.. Its part of the journey I know.

ok i'll stop now.. see you all in 5 days for that magical 40 number.  I got this!

counter : may 26 / day 35
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 27, 2019, 06:56:51 AM
Slept for +15h and had vivid sexual dreams. Wood felt like it being hard for +2h while in bed lol.
At the time I woke up, my member was still up like someone had attached a bone to my body.....
 I feel sorry for the next girl I will be having sex with... My member will be up non stop haha.

Haven't had these kind of vivid dreams until now.. very interesting, like being 13 again.

BUT.. One thing I am suffering massivly from.. and I can't really say if its due to this journey or my ADD.
It's the brainfog and being confused about everything. I feel like it started around 10-14 days ago. Totally confused all the time,
thoughts everywhere, cant take action properly, cant make proper decisions etc. It's all a mess as things are now. Not knowing what
I want to do in my life etc. That part really troubles me.

Taking one day a time, so far im doing good with this pmo free life.

Just need to fix my real life, like..  job/business wise (my biggest worry), social life (seeing people), hobbies (no hobbies atm), women (get some punani as I haven't gotten any for like 2-3 years , because I burried myself in a startup business.).

I use to get a lot of women, either with dating sites or meeting them whilst traveling.. the last couple of years have been worries of how to make money, and it's been killing me, lost so much to the point I dont know what to do know. Get a job?.. that was what I was trying to avoid.. but, if things just aren't working... then what?!.. man.  My head is everywhere about this matter. I need to fix this. Get something going.

PS: If anyone have had these brain-fog days/weeks, I would really appreciate a reply how it affected them. For me it's like im going in circles mentally, but cant do anything physically.
One second I want to go to the gym, then I end up doing something else and stay home. Mind is everywhere and it makes me really sad and I feel so low about it. Some days I even catch myself
saying im a loser etc. makes me feel low about myself.

counter : may 27 / day 36
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 28, 2019, 06:46:51 AM
Need to make a quick update, couldn't wait to day 40.
Years ago I tried quitting this, I made the mistake of suddenly vanishing after some months of free pmo.. thinking I was cured.
I vanished from the site and boom, life hit in some mystery way, and I fell into the trap.

I am not making that mistake again (vanishing from here).. I'd rather update every day. I've found it very helpful to journal on a daily basis to stay clean.
So that's what I am going to do. Keep updating that counter and go through the storm =)

So whats up.. I dont know why I look forward to the 40-day number so much.. I guess its a goal of mine, a milestone.. never set that goal but somehow that number has a meaning to me.
so.. 3 days to go :) :) ;)

Besides that.. I am horneyy as fuck. My machinery is pulsating constantly like crazy.. my body is sending my impulses to release all that energy all the time.
.. "just take you'r hand and do it" is the signals I get all the freaking day, from I get up (with a hard ass wood naturally) to late night.   
I am resisting like crazy trying to stay active in other areas.. searching for business ideas etc.  But today the pressure is like a effing boiler about to explode!.. I have to go to the gym today or all that energy will burst and make the earth shake on a richter scale 10.  That is my plan for today - focus all that energy elsewhere > lift heavy weights!! because it's like really really bad today.

To give a better description, I am so horny that if I held a girls hand right now I would probably ejaculate lol.. it's that bad. I mean, It is probably a good thing =) ..  I wish I could give all of that energy to a girl.. but yea, one step a time - i'll get there.  But fuuck this pmo-free stuff is really working for me in regards to having the machine work better (not that i ever had that issue).
I am not having a depressive day today thats for sure.. probably because 90% of my blood and oxygen has relocated to the lower compartment lol.

ok ill stop. I have to do push-ups right now.. holy shit the pressure is crazy. see u all

counter : may 28 / day 37
come on 40! I got you!!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on May 28, 2019, 07:16:36 AM
My man, that's the spirit. I swear to god, abstaining for a longer period makes your energy levels go through the roof. The same stuff you are describing happened to me. And you are doing the right thing in harnessing that energy for productive things! Ride that energy like a wild stallion and don't make the mistake to MO. You will get used to the feeling and you'll either release sooner or later through a wet dream or your body will absorb parts of your semen. So all good!

But you know, when I think about it, I told my therapist about the energy and all that months ago and I told her that I think my body sends me signals that I'm really ready procreate. It really felt like it. And what did I do eventually? I contacted a girl I was dating last before having the major depression for three years. Fast forward, I'm dating her now, having had sex with her several times, building a romantic connection with her. Abstaining from PMO and having these energy levels with all the benefits played a major role in all of this, I'm sure of it!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 28, 2019, 07:23:10 AM
Thank man! really appreciate you'r comment.. It definitely gives me some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Yea I can totally understand you, my body starting to scream for me to do something, anything, to get in touch with real women. I am 100% positive I will get there.

Glad you got through the depression and ended up seeing that girl! Thanks for the encouragement! really helps)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 28, 2019, 08:07:01 AM
This is inspiring for me Zazen. Love to see how you can channel those thoughts and energy. Even though you say you can ejaculate just by holding a girls hand, you are channeling it and not using it as an excuse; Wao! Really hoping and cheering you can make it to 40.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on May 30, 2019, 06:15:17 PM
                                                           Day 40 !
Boom!!.. did it.. no peeking, no pmo, no nothing what so ever in forty days.. milestone!

I am getting better at feeling the sensations in my body, when it wants to lure me towards peeking or smth like that. I instantly feel it, recognise it for what it is (lust for fake endorphins and stimulus) and kindly say "naah, we aint going there buddy". That's what has been working for me, so will optimise this process along the way. Thankful I can keep my emotions at bay, surely not easy but manageable. To be honest, I don't ever think its going to be easy.. the quick-fix solution will always be readily available and most likely the internet will become more flooded with enticing ways for quick-fix "solutions" for low state emotions. My focus will be on this ; Managing. This is all I can do, feeling the feelings inside and communicating with them.

Here is an example of self-talk / self-communication whenever a lustful feelings would arise;
"hey.. I see you are feeling like this right now. You are feeling lust because you stumbled into something you really like here. That is nice, but hey.. remember the past?.. how much you've spent time viewing all of this stuff?.. It didn't get you what you were watching at that moment did it?.. naah.. so why would it now?..  I do understand it makes you feel really good right now.. but please understand what you are watching right now, is not real. Kindly pull the eject button and lets go do something else. "

This form of guiding self-talk is working for me.
So, going for the five-o now.. the 50 :).   
....Can I do it.. hell yeah!

Positives this week : Slowly starting to creep out my layers of feelings of inability and sloth. Been working on a business-plan for an IT company, finished up business processes etc and mocked up everything for a website. Starting to reach out to designers to inquire for prices of a landing page and flyer. So slowly getting started on making a business for myself, instead of sitting home not doing jack.. That has really killed me the last many months, and finally getting myself out the pity party and making some changes. My biggest challenge will be the mindset of making money for my company,, as i've been institutionalised the last 20 years or so (working for large companies).. I got out of that some years ago, but never really made anything for myself. So having it a go at this.. I have the skills and confidence to provide IT services so I know i'll be a boss at it. It's 100x times better than sitting in a room and breathing the same recycled air and watching a screen for 15/h a day.. I cant do that shit anymore.. I need to get out, go meet people.. fix shit, make people happy.. and make money of it. Let's see where it goes... but taking the step now and leaping forward.
I got this!..

counter : may 31 / day 40
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 01, 2019, 10:13:34 AM
Total brainfog.. no energy, zombie, lifeless.


I wish and hope that all of this eventually fixes my brainfog or whatever that is going on with my mind. I hate being so lazy and so purposeless, just straight up depressed and feel like life is going no where for me. Stay at home 24/7 because I have zero energy for anything.. I basically just sleep and daze off wasting time on stuff like YT. Still waiting for response from some people for making design for my homepage but everything is going so slowly. The issues I face are my incredible brain-fog.

feel like my brain has been taken out of my body. like everything is totally empty in there

sleep late, get up late and do nothing during the day

no feelings.. not even to visit my son.. and I feel like crap for not being there for him.

My brain is just on-sleep most of the time.. it's like nothing is working, and my motivation for doing anything is not there. Cant even go to the gym (used to be a gymrat and train very hard).. that is all gone.. Just feel totally lifeless. I've read of this 'flatline' thing, and maybe it's just that.... but god damn this is a horrible state to be in. Im just sleeping my life away and getting no where in life.

One day I want to do XYZ, then suddenly I change it all up and wanna do something completly else instead - and end up doing none of it.. imagine being a creative person that gets great ideas on a daily basis but have zero drive to follow up on it. I used to do all kinds of crazy stuff, but it's like all my motivation is gone.
I was mostly able to do amazing things when I had a stable income.. now, I have nothing.. and it's tearing me apart. So the idea for my business was to generate an income for myself,, so I can get back up and gain some confidence in myself. Cant continue living like this.. I dont have my own place, no income, no friend, no money, no nothing..  It was not like this before, I had everything.. until I got sick on my previous job. Went 4-5 years since then, and now I am here.. got no where. 

Know my ADD has something to do with this, but I cant keep using that as an excuse. enough is enough. I need to fix my situation and become a better version of myself. Someone my kid can look up to. Now, I am so ashamed of myself that I am isolating myself from everyone, even my own son.. it hurts me, as many of these patterns are something I see in my father. He was never there for me, I didn't feel 'wanted'.. He kept for himself and used weed as a medicine etc. He is a kind and loving father but never gave me anything to look up to or any life direction. He was and is, just there.. and that is not inspiring to me. It makes me sad that I am in that rut of life now, and it seems hopeless and im stuck here (for now)..

Was always a go-getter and determined getting what I wanted... and after some failed business attempts and loss of money,, I am now here. with nothing. So I have to build myself up again.
It's not easy, but I aint no quitter... But I can feel my relationships to my son, sons mother, parents and everyone around me is going down the drain. well my friends are there, sort of.. We meet once a while but that's it. I'm alone on this one, and it's not easy...

Hopefully this flat line shit will go away so I can become a bit clearer and set things in action. I am also thinking about getting professional help, because I dont think this depressive state for this long of a period is normal or healthy. My problem is, why am I so lazy .. why so lifeless?.. is it because of this journey of pmo-free, my ADD, do I have depression.. what is it?!.. 

still... trucking along - next stop;  50.

counter : April 1 / day 41
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 02, 2019, 05:33:13 AM
Once you've finished the YBOP book, I can highly recommend you "The Porn Myth" by Matt Fradd! It's an excellenct book on the different negative effects porn has from various perspectives. And it has a very cool appendix at the end where numerous scientific findings are listed. Many known ones (p causes ED) but also other ones like that in many (I think it's actually 50% but I'm not too sure) of the divorces in the US porn has been a component. Highly recommended!

Awesome. I just bought the audiobook. Thank you!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 02, 2019, 05:36:04 AM
Great journal, man. Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey. I find that Zazen practice is vital to my sobriety, and it's one of the best tools I have heading into my reboot.

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 02, 2019, 06:13:03 AM
Thanks for that Gassho. Yea Zazen is very special.. it requires (and teaches) discipline that comes with practice.
- Hardcore zen master would say it's good for nothing =).

I am sure it is helpful in this journey as well. I must admit, haven't been doing it for a couple of weeks.
.. thank you for reminding me to take up the practice again, much appreciated.

if anyone is interested about 'zazen' and have an hour to spare.. then check out this movie ;

counter : April 2 / day 42
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 02, 2019, 01:06:50 PM
I'll be sure to check it out. Thanks.

I know the feeling of drifting away from the practice. The opportunity to awaken is always there.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on June 03, 2019, 11:41:21 AM
Zazen, rebooting is an up and down process. One day, you feel like on top of the world and the next day you might be experiencing brain fog. They key is to keep walking come rain or shine. IT WILL PASS. Rebooting is non linear. A few months ago, I had a phase where I couldn't sleep longer than 5 hours anymore and I'm usually a sack rat. But it passed after about a month.

Don't throw in the towel!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 03, 2019, 12:47:51 PM
One way to look at craving is through the Zazen. Hakuin and early Zen masters wrote about the stuff that would come up while you sit as makyo or demons. These people who had none of our modern distractions felt like the minds tendency to race from one thought to the next was like being tormented by demons. At the same time, like demons, the thoughts aren't real.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 04, 2019, 06:49:10 AM
Just doing an update, in one of my hardest hours - as my cravings are insane right now. Watching an interview on yt and just an normal girl being interviewed and my eyes keep shifting to see more of her, as in sexual cravings way.. I feel my body gets crazy horny etc and wants to touch myself.  I can feel my cojones tightened up and feel like it's like a loaded gun just wanting me to squeeze the trigger. In ways of my body trying to tell me "go ahead, look for more girls.. it's ok".. and such. I got away from it and went ahead and did my meditations to ease of the worst of these sensations. In my meditation I sat and really tried to tune in on these sensations and try to still my body and mind. was not easy, but I passed the test. all good.

I have to say that this community, the people responding with encouraging words..  is much more valuable to me than I'd ever thought. The support here is just a huge amount of help and to be honest, i'm not sure if I could withstand without knowing someone was reading. It means a lot to me. It's like I am not going through this it just for myself, but also for people here. It makes me feel i'm not alone in this and feel supported. To be honest at times I feel these sensations and I catch them I get thoughts like 'I dont want to let people down reading my journey.. I want to be a success example this time'... and these thoughts make me stronger and go through the wall of temptation that pop up once a while. Knowing I will come here and write about actions.

Thanks Pete for reminding me that the journey is supposed to be like this, in waves with some days up and some days down - and to endure when down and not to forget or let guards down when up. My focus is still 50 days for now ,, and even as i'm writing this with my body about to explode,, am definitely not giving in. MindoverModem got back to my zazen practice, and did it as soon as I felt the urges today and helped a lot. I sat through the sensations, just being there and let it pass.

Thankfully I've become really good at feeling my body and shutting everything down when it gets too excited and refocus to do something else. It was crazy hard today,, because I was like mentally arguing with myself when the sensations was at the top. Usually when I get aroused my body wants me to touched on some sensitive parts on my upper body,, this is a huge trigger of mine.. if I start touching myself, then I fall into the rabbit hole. So I've done everything not to go there and really happy I can calm myself. I tell myself that I can save it, for when I'm with a girl.

I make fun telling myself that I truly feel sorry for the next girl I'm going to have inter coarse with. She wont know how much is 'saved up'. Last girl I was with I literally broke her bed, so I had to buy screws and everything to put it back in place haha. I'd rather want story's to tell like that, instead of a falling for a quick-fix because of sudden arousal,, then being shameful about it afterwards and knowing I have to start over once again. Get saddened just writing about it, as I (all of us) have been there .. and it feels like shit.

Whoah.. it helped. Coming here when my arousal is at the top, and writing my thoughts and feelings out, truly helps. It helps me get out of the both mental & body lust-cycle and get rational about it. thank you all once again for all the support! I'm even starting to believe would be able to do 100 days =) .. but yea, one day a time -> 50 is up next.

counter : April 4 / day 44

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 04, 2019, 12:24:13 PM
Was good journaling earlier.. I grabbed my bike and went to the gym right after. I

a special thank you to that person that DM'ed me earlier.
He reached out basically to say he was online if I needed to chat n order to get over the cravings. What a thoughtful and kind gesture!
and it really made me think about stuff today...... so gonna spill out some thoughts and ideas I have.

Not sure where to start, but here goes.
I was thinking why I could keep a streak this far, like 44 days is a pretty consistent record (for me) .. I have massive ADD, so my very nature is being impulsive and I have issues following through. but... with this, I can follow through..  was thinking why it was so,, then I was CLEAR : I was not doing it just for me ... I was doing it for every person reading these words as well. I was doing it to inspire people, that it actually was possible despite the ups and downs. Know im only 44 days in but I am really starting to believe this pmo-free stuff is possible.. like, completely.. forever.

SO.. why am I starting to believe this?.. what made it?... I think it's because I am starting to feel some sort of obligation to others here. Like, I really REALLY want to be a positive example of a person that 'made it' (not that there is a stop-line, as I believe making it is managing ourselves for the rest of our lives). So yea.. I think the fact that I am writing here more often, people following me, commenting on my journey and such, gives me some sense of really not wanting to disappoint people. Of coarse this journey is first and foremost for me, and I dont want to dissapoint myself as well of coarse,, but all the times I've relapsed, was because I was alone about it. No one following me.. I didnt feel there was any attention, no support, no nothing..  Now, I feel different, even if it's a few people commenting etc, I still wanna do good and set a good example. So.. I truly think this has been the difference.: Doing it for not just me, but others as well. That is why I could go through it for the past 44 days - and hopefully MANY days to come.   I know not to put any pressure on myself etc. and lets face it, I am human... so SHOULD it happen that i'd relapse, then I would be 100% honest about it here. I would only cheat myself by lying,, I would never.. I despise people that lie.. anyways, back to topic. The thought of people reading my comments and encouraging me, has given me another perspective on this thing. I am actually following through and sticking to the plan!.. All because of u guys (and if any girls reading=).

ok, now.. here are my other thoughts. Since my commitment towards people here is on this level, that I can be this consistent, then, why shouldn't I be able to add some other stuff to my counter?..
What if I added things slowly on a experimental basis, like,, 14 days to begin with.. and seeing if I follow through on that as well?.. what if I actually felt compelled to write here and look forward to tell the nation that I did that thing.. today, the next day etc.. and it became a habit. What if..  ..  That would just mean the WORLD to me.. being consistent and implementing a daily routine, so I once again could become happy.  So I want to list some thing that made me happy moments and see what I can slowly implement (without too much on the plate).

> taking my ADD pill on a daily basis
I have been absolutely inconsistent taking my pills. They do help me 'get started' .. but often I forget, I postpone, I dont take them reguraly and that hurts my daily structure. So this is a thing i'd love to put on the counter - taking my pills in the morning. Just for a 14 day period to see if it makes changes in my life or not. I took them earlier today and I biked to gym so it must do something.

> pushups
I've been doing that regurarly before and it just boosted my testostorone a lot (not that i'm lacking any of it, quite the opposite) but I really want to implement that as soon as I get up. Just to have my muscles pumped up and ready for the day. Ideally it would be 30x pushups when I get up.

> Vitamins
maan.. I've tried SO many times to take my vitamins on a daily basis.. and just like everything else I "forget" it one of the days... and it becomes a habit to forget it, and boom.. out of routine.
What if I had to 'check' it off in the morning and update my counter,, that I actually HAD taken them. Just the thought of having to update my vitamin-counter here, would incentivise me to take them. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. Dont want to put too much on the plate... so, I've decided for the next 14 days, that I am going to make a addition to my counter.
And I am going to make two daily posts. One in the morning when I've checked off the list, and one in the evening that goes through my mental state and just to show up. .
I am sorry that if the post will get too spammy, this is the downside to it, like.. writing two posts a day. But hey, I am going to take it as a personal experiment the next 14 days.. to see if I am going to follow through or not. There is a possibility my ADD takes over and 'forgets' to write, or get totally disorganized that it dont go as planned. i know this in advance, and if I cant follow through, then I wont be dissapointed in myself or be hard on myself. I know ADD can cause this. But for now, I feel commited to take this as a challenge. Lets do this!

Alright, here are the changes to my counter for the next 14 days (till 18 June).

Pmo-free .   April 4 .   Day 44
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 4 .   Day 1
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 4 .   Day 1
30x Morning pushups .   April 4 .   Day 1

So, this counter is starting from today on a experimental basis for the next 14 days. The rules are following : I HAVE to open this journal as soon as I get up, as my very first action is to update my counter as the first thing. Here goes nothing.. If I would be able to follow through with this, wow.. that would be amazing for me!.. I know it might seem as a simple thing for some of you guys, but for me being totally inconsistent with almost everything else in my life for the moment (besides being pmo free), it would mean consistency I always been longing for.. routine, good habits.. and these good habits could lead to other good habits (pills would for example get my day going, and would most likely get me to the gym, and I'd get more confidence etc)..

so, crossing my fingers to see if this would work. I will set an alarm that wakes me up every morning that plays an mp3 audio recording that plays get my ass up and update the counter :) ..  I am really hoping this stuff works. alright. I'll stop here and dear journal, see you every day for the next 14 days every morning. Take care ya'll.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 05, 2019, 04:34:38 AM
Made the mistake of installing Tinder last night.. why, not sure.. but spent swiping mindlessly for like 2hours. I swiped 'not interested' on like 99.9999% on all of the girls.
Swiped so much that finally saw a girl I met some years ago and I was like 'she still here..  da hell.. then what the fuck am I doing here' > went and deleted that shit right away.

It was a good test though (despite loosing sleep and time) because I found out that ;     a) I had zero interest in girls from the country I live in,, or maybe its just the fake pixel stuff doing it..    b) happy not to waste my time on that crap .   c) It definitely incentivised me to approach women I see more,, as all dating sites and such are by now ruled out. that stuff aint working for me no more. It did A LOT in the past.. but that was all lust and wanting to chase some tail for the sex of it. not in it for chasing any longer. I am sure some people meet there and get real relationships as well etc, but I dunno.. seemed too much of a time-waster and it was just surreal. Glad I tried it, and deleted it.. Now that is out of the way ).  I'd rather want to meet a person irl, give compliments and build a natural relationship like that.

anyways.. got up super late today.. updating counter and heading to the gym. Will prob just keep it at one post a day.
I promised myself that I wouldn't press the 'post' button before I had done the things on the counter so here goes....

Pmo-free .   April 5 .   Day 45
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 5 .   Day 2
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 5 .   Day 2
30x Morning pushups .   April 5 .   Day 2
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 05, 2019, 05:07:59 PM
Thinking about something.. a couple of years ago I watched some documentary on being vegan.. the content had a very deep impact on me, and I went hard mode vegan from that day. I was vegan for 9 months after that documentary. Then friends and family started telling me I wasn't looking good, lost weigh etc. Then it hit me.. The vegan lifestyle wasnt healthy for me. I tried it, but it was not for me. So I knew I wanted to stop it.   However, there was a trigger,, I went to a place where I use to eat grilled chicken, and I succumbed eating meat that very day. I had no self control.

Im annoyed that I didn’t really decide eating meat before hand, I kind fell of the vegan lapse that very day (that smell of grilled chicken completely took over all my human controls heh).
After eating I rationalised it that ‘I was getting weak’.. I had to eat meat etc. -  I just wish I had decided before hand that I was going to eat meat before entering that restaurant.

— Why am I writing all of this? Fear.. fear of losing control, if a strong-enough trigger pops in my face again… The fear of falling into some site,
on a day of boredom,
a day of stress or anxiety -
that leads me to wanting to get relief, and I succumb to the ‘old me’ of pmo’ing to free up my troubled head and sucumbing to ‘feel good’ in that very moment. I fear that.

I have no idea what I am going to do when those days come.. 
will I be strong enough to endure?
will I be able to think rationally and do something else for relief?…
what if it’s a really big crisis or something.. 

having many thought right now as I was reading other people’s blogs. Seeing how damn easy it is to fall into PMO again and again..over years and years.. 
I don't want that for me. ……. I know what I don't want, but haven’t really thought or focused of what I truly want!..

If I put too much focus on what I dont want, Im sure I will attract more of just that. and that ain't no good. 
Need to make some strategies and set some goals towards what I want in my life.
I need to put a direction in the gps, otherwise life will take me as IT wishes… I have to set the roadmap. oh well that will be for another post

…………. and maybe I am just overthinking things right now and projecting into the future.. shit I have no idea will happen or not.
But I know that it will always good to have a contengincy plan + making goals.       

day 46 tomorrow. so here is a special message for day 50  : “I am gonna tear u apart! and you'r friend too!!” =)    ie. seeing myself hit the goal already.
just had a coming to america moment thinking of that line haha. Take care all, We got this!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 06, 2019, 02:05:41 PM
nothing special, just an counter update.

Pmo-free .   April 6 .   Day 46
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 6 .   Day 3
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 6 .   Day 3
30x Morning pushups .   April 6 .   Day 3
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 08, 2019, 03:40:38 AM
Having wet dreams more often.. typically in the mornings.. Im half sleeping, half grinding the bed due to dreams of being with women,,  then I wake up and become aware of it, and I simply stop it.
Things are on automatic per say. No urges to see P, however I do feel like a wanting to interact with women.. which typically leads to testing a dating site, but end up closing it right after because of how fake and shallow I feel it is...

but there is something more than that underlying,, I think it's that I don't feel deserving of having women into my life as things are going now. I'm always so serious about my work, despite it not working out as I want, not making any $ and it's stressing me out.. all of that combined makes me stay at home trying to make money,, isolated,, and categorize myself as unworthy of attracting people into my life.. 'what do I have to offer' sort of thinking,, which logically I know is totally ridiculous..   Thing is I dont have my own place, however, one of my friends offered his apartment to me and said I could take it whenever I wanted and bring ladies there,, so I cant use that excuse any more (not having my own place).

Truth is I can sweep up almost any woman (where there is a mutual interest) with my charm when I'm with her,.. money and stuff doesn't matter, . It's just my thinking that hinders me, thoughts like;  (you have to have money, you have to BE SOMEBODY, you have to have status, you have to be powerful etc).. these are the kinds of thoughts that sabotages me, the perfectionist in me that doesn't want me to make mistakes and don't like being judged etc. This is what isolates me and makes me stay home and try so hard becoming that guy.. 
It's like, I am stopping myself of even approaching anyone because I am afraid to tell my story, what I am going through.. and mostly, that I am not ....successful.

the 'successful' word hurts me just thinking about it. I know why... 2 years ago, my ex told me some very nasty words.. words that felt like piled through my heart with a big fucking pole.
she said I wasn't successful, I didn't know what I wanted in life, I had no direction, .... basically that she saw me as a loser. I was going through a lot of hard times at that point and that was the least of everything I needed to hear,, as I was changing up my life at that time..   Those words made me work hard daily to become succesful.. it hurt me so much...

since that time..  2 years later, I have isolated myself from everyone.. gone underground..  why?.. cause of working daily, and i'm still not fucking 'successful' YET..   well, she messed me up for sure in that regard.. but I do realise she projected her own insecurities and fears onto me that day.    I've forgiven her despite it all. I get attached to people I love very strongly.. and when they hurt me, I feel VERY hurt..  All I wanted was to love her and her to love me - but yea'.. turned out she was a golddigger ,, and there is a saying 'you cant make a ho into a housewife'. I wont go into that, but found she truly was a person going for money, fame and attention.. what a shame. But oh well.. life lessons. Moving on. I'll find someone that loves me for me some day. I also have to remind myself that not all women are like that and that every single women/experience are truly unique and have never happened before.. and anything can happen - so never give up hope.

anyways... for now, i'm stuck here, don't feel like online-dating shit... and not easy meeting women when I'm inside working so much.
'Need to make a plan to spend some time outside as well. Weather is getting better etc,  so the opportunities are there for sure. Will have to get out more for sure.. hit on some women just for the fun of it and take things from there...  could definetly use a small weekend trip or smth to kickstart my game again.  hmm.. that was actually a good idea. will see next week.

This weekend I'll be spending time with my son. Will be all about him and devote my full attention to him (I don't get to see him often).
Have a great weekend everyone - stay safe, stay strong.

monday will be day 50!..
Pmo-free .   April 8 .   Day 48
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 8 .   Day 5
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 8 .   Day 5
30x Morning pushups .   April 8 .   Day 5
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 09, 2019, 01:59:49 PM
whoaa just hurried in here to write so I wont do anything I'd regret...

My son and I had a great day yesterday and the rest of it today. Then he was picked up,, and I was again alone..  left finding ways of 'making money / what to do' endless search..
get a job? try out this? go travel? start this business idea? what about doing this, or this? .. etc etc etc.. searching like this all day.

on top of that.. I've eaten too much sugar all day and it is putting my body in an elevated state of emotions,, or something like that.. blood sugar probably bouncing everwhere by now.

then.. all the sudden,, it came in a split second out of nowhere > "just do it.. release it.. you will feel good and relaxed after".. that voice.. telling me to find smth to M to..
holy shit!!.. that's when I hurried up clicking the Reboot Nation bookmark... I just wanted to get in here asap and just write ANYTHING!!

..It's probably a combo-mix of stress, anxiety for the future and the high amount of sugar-intake that is doing all of this. I am really thankful I am this observant when these sudden urges / spikes of malware thoughts enter my brain..  I had that instant flashback memory of me in a PMO act as it was happening....body were trying to make me go there again - hell no,,,, it scared me how powerful the pull was,, so I instantly pressed the shortcut to get here instead.. damn ..

ok, writing seemed to reset everything... focusing that I am reaching my 50th day goal for tomorrow. I can do it!.. no urge or stress is going to set me back!
I am aware i'm in a high-state of stress and anxiety.

Will calm myself down with some meditation and go to bed early, so I can get up and celebrate my 50th + be productive early on.  Take care all!

Pmo-free .   April 9 .   Day 49
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 9 .   Day 6
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 9 .   Day 6
30x Morning pushups .   April 9 .   Day 6
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 09, 2019, 02:17:05 PM
Hang in there, man. Thanks for sharing your struggle. Glad you reached for the forum in a moment of crisis!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 09, 2019, 11:00:30 PM
Good morning day 50!
I did it. reached my goal!.. yesterday did scare me though.. the instant pull that came in a fraction of a second was immensely strong. Normally I would succumb to feelings like that.
So glad I caught the feeling right away and found ways of not taking the easy route,, just to fulfil temporary emotions for a short-term feeling. I quickly realised I was in a stressed state and thankfully I knew that anything that would lead to PMO or any kind of artificial stimulation, would not solve my issues.

I am thankful to stay on the path and be here for the long run. To be honest, it was really scary and getting teary eyes right now how fucking fast it can come,, how tricky it is and how much power it has to lure one in, in a splitsecond. thankful I didn't fall for it.. so thankful! This I believe was the first time I really felt strong and fought against it… because that instant urge was stronger than previous times I felt it. Now I know to NOT binge eat sugar and icecream in one day when stressed,, as it can get me in that state again.

Alright, now on the the positives!.  effing day 50!!  I told you boiii… I was coming for you!! and I got you!!..
50 days, wow.. and in 10 days that’l be 2 months!!!..  Hence : new goal   > >.   the 60 mark!! 

I like to break it up in small reachable goals like that. Still feel the need to journal daily as the powers are still hidden in there, ready to attack.. so I need to be here to stay vigilant in order to come out strong on the other side. I have 1 week to go on the experimental counter thing for vitamins etc. So far I like writing it here as it keeps me accountable. like, I would absolutely HATE updating my counter here without actually have done it. That would make me a liar, a fake and cheat only myself. I would never do that.. I have self integrity to stay true to myself so keeping the counter alive for now. so far im doing good with 1 week in.

Oh yea and I finished YBOP and started The Porn Myth which Pete McVries suggested. Good read so far!

Pmo-free .   April 10 .   Day 50
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 10 .   Day 7
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 10 .   Day 7
30x Morning pushups .   April 10 .   Day 7
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on June 10, 2019, 07:23:04 AM
Congratulations, mate! Keep at it!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: jixu on June 11, 2019, 06:40:56 AM
Congratulations on the 50 days-that is a great achievement!  Was glad to hear you had some special time with your son, and I hope you can figure out the job and work thing-a tricky beast indeed !     
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 11, 2019, 04:15:54 PM
Day 51.    edit : somehow I think this post will be one of my most important ones.
Thank you Pete and Jixu for the support! I am here because of good souls like you, people that cares.

Alright.. not really into any rah rah inspiration/motivational speakers.. but david goggins is excepted, he is the real deal.
And this is some real-deal Rocky shit so I had to share it :)  : 
Breaking down his words below to do some analysis on what he is trying to communicate.

A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.
You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourselfe.

You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life.
You need to live the grip of life to find inspiration

put challenges in front of yourself!

when you put challenges in front of yourselfe, and attack it.. that’s when you find inspiration.
Try to be 10% better than you were last week.
so if you run 30 miles a week.. run 33.
if you are swimming 500 meteres, swim 550.

and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch.

The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.

Find yourselfe in the grip of life.

You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.

Alright.. I had to share as it made me think about my situation. Staying at home, trying to think myself out of my situation. Not doing any planning, not taking any desicions, just roaming around here and there… tired of it. Not trying anything, just fearful about my future and if I am able to make my entreprenural journey.. constant thoughts of If I am good enought for it or not etc.
line 1 : “A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.” .. yup. a depressed mindnset aint getting me no where. I need to do some changes here. Going on.

line 2: “You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourself”.  It is true in some aspect, I definetly could do more.. I could take my business more seriously, I could take up gym, I could quit sugar,  I could take up buying a car in able to take my son out more.. I could find some part time job..  ( I still have an issue at trying to find a steady job even if I know I would rock it.. but the thought of robbing my time holds me back).. I could go out more, smile more, I could approach people daily and interact more,  I could hit on women more=),..   My depressed mindset have held me back from all of these things which made me happy. I believe that if I start doing more of these things, my monetary situation would become better.. why? because I wouldnt be so fearful or depressed.. I would have more courage, diciplined and hence make money with my business. All I mentioned are challenges to me. getting outside and doing stuff, and mostly talking to people as Ive conditioned myself to think i am a shy guy.. which has never been true every damn time I’ve approached women (when I was in my PUA mode a couple of years ago).  So > do more.. definetly some outlined stuff to improve upon.  Would be really cool to ever so slowly add to my counter here,, like “give a compliment today”… that would actually be really cool!..  that is such a low-barriere thing, and would eventually probably make me want to know more about her. anyways, back to topic : DO SOMETHING.  .. alright, peeking at the three things I wrote first,, that must mean something I really want to do ; 1.  I could take my business more seriously 2: I could take up gym. I could quit sugar.   These are some sort of repetative stuff which I can do on a daily basis. Becoming diciplined and following a daily process for my job.   and going to the gym.   Will add these to my action plan later.

line 3/4; “You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life. “ … Yep, feel really demotivated when just staying home. Roger that=). I’ve been doing that for too long time and it’s about damn time I make a change!! I might be in a slump, I might have financial worries, I might not have my own place - but FFS… slumps are not permanent,, just hard to see beyond. I am not dead, i dont wish to be.. I know my character and that I can overcome anything. I might have been let down by people but they do not dicate my life ahead of me. Time to grab the balls of the bull and make a ride of this life.  ehh, that came of weird.. but you know what I mean haha.

line 5:  “put challenges in front of yourself!”. Alright, I already identified some challenges that would move me in a better direction.. just 1% better daily.   
> STRUCTURE - not just for my business, but for my overall life.. when I’d wake up, when I’d go out the door, when I’d study business, when i do business, when I do workout, when it is ok to eat sugar, and when would be time to give a compliment.   A structure that outlines these things would give me some sort of accountability for myself.. and I think I would do it, and hopefully it would become a habit.
Imagine if I gave a complimennt to women on a daily basis.. I would become confident in myself and … holy shit,, I would actually become the guy I want to be.  ouf, that sentance hit my heart..  Becomind the guy I want to be. Why did it so?…  what is holding me back?..   fear?..  fear of what?…    digressing here - but hitting some important topics and really glad I am sharing it here as I write. So ,, challenges put into some sort of routine, which I can track on a daily basis (just as what im doing with that experimental counter).   Good, doing some introspective digging here and I like where it’s going.   moving on…

line  10/11 :  “and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch. “
                     “The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.”
Hmm… so what I get from this is,, just do the minimum amount possible!.. if that means showing up to the gym and untying your shoes and putting them back on.. then do that and take it as a victory (I showed up).   If that means doing 45min of effective business work and stoppingn for the day, then that is successs. If that means going outside to ask a girl for the fucking time, then do that and take it as a victory.
I think what he is trying to say is ; do a little bit of what challenges you,,, just that little bit - but on a daily basis… and by time and repetition you would be comfortable doing that thing that it would natturally progress to take it to a higher level.. like fuck, after asking women for the time 30 times eventually you would stop giving a fuck about the time and tell her you like her smile,, right =). I know I would.
Now that other line is interessesting… I’ve mainly been home trying to make my business work and have totally neglected myself, joy, my family, my damn soul…  cant even remember when I’ve smiled with true happyness last time… come to think of it. I do… when I fell in love 3 years ago with my x. Which turned out to be a toxic relationship - but none the less. I was happy.. I was wanted,, we were both in love.. I felt loved. That made me happy.  I believe there is another out there for me which can give me that again. I miss that. oh, back to topic… have I become weak?…    I can already feel the answer inside of me wanting to get out.. YES!.. mentally weak. Not believing in myself. doubting. scared. as i am writing this I feel my innner child is talking to me, ok this might sound weird but I am typing what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.  Feel like he is confused and dont know what to do, where to go..   he lacks structure.. he needs to know what to do.. and know that, whatever he will do is OK. He wants to have fun again and know that everything is going to be ok. I am going to make him a promise…  …. me and you, we are going to have fun again. I promise you that. Trust me.
.. ok im back. sorry for the sudden shifts, told you.. ADHD kinda does that to you at times. but yea.. lack of accountability/structure can lead into slots and into weakness. that what’s happened to me. Time to turn the damn boat around and put some GPS on it with laser-sharp direction.

line 12/13: : “Find yourselfe in the grip of life.  You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.”
ok. grip of life .. what is that for me? .. challenge myself. fail. have fun. mess it up. smile at it. laught it off. just do the damn thing. show up. do 1% every day. be kind. be compassionat to other people. laugh. have fun. express yourself. show yourself. give love. take action. be decisive. be clear. make plans. stick to the plans. control my mind.
… ok what does all of that exactly mean in actionalble steps.. because for now all of that sounds all good, but its useless if not put into action. I know, I’ve had these great plans and thoughts MANY times and ended up fading out after a week or two.. I was never consistent with it. …. but I am seeing things are slowly changing after my presence here. I have the support. I feel obligated to update my counter (hold myself accountable part).. I believe it’s possible. I am starting to have faith.   SOO.. Time to make a damn plan !!.. BUT cant put too much on the plate,, I am very cautios with that.. Too much and I’ll get overwhelmed and ditch everything and that will make me feel like a failure .. and who knows, that could lead into PMO.. hell no, not taking that route! one step a time baby one step a time!..

so.. plan for now. lets see,  3 main things were:
1.  a structure for my business. Which is basically a daily planner such as get up at 08, etc.   out the door at clock 09 , be at gym at 10 etc. ..
2. go to the gym.
3. no sugar.

So,, I tried these things before and sometimes I can do a streak and just do it on a daily basis without thinking - and some times,, things in my life just happened which made me ditch it all and become all slot and lazy…  the inconsistency is what I am fighting against the most. This is one of my root causes and mostly stems from my innatentive ADD.  well, remember the very first thing I added my counter : TAKE MY ADD PILLS !! Yahh.. and i’ve actually been taking them every morning - sticking to the plan. So it seems some consistency is starting there. It havent gotten me out the door though, but I didnt plan that in. But I am doing that now.  What can I commit to?.. Can I commit to go to the gym on a daily basis?.. hmm.. it’s a mouthful right now.. but I know I really want this, and I know it could benefit me immensly (I was SO damn confident when I was buff).. I think it’s the right thing to add. Add gym as a daily pracsis. .. alright, so.. I need to put it in as a super-low barrier.. nothing like workout for 2hours daily.. no, … way way lower. thinking thinking.. how could I trick myself to commit to the absolute lowest act, that would get my ass out the door without hesitating. hmm…….  Tie my shoes and untie them at the locker room??.. really.. are we going there??.. fuck.. haha..  I mean, just the thought of that,,, I’d be ok with that.   “OK I know I have to get my ass to the gym just to untie and tie my shoes, and it’s a success” .. yea.. that could actually do it for me. I know i’d end up working out anyways hehe but the mind-trick is on another level :D ..    So, typing that in as an update to my counter right now!..

no sugar.. hmm.. I think this part will come naturally when I begin working out. I’ve always been very healthy and fit.. especially when I do gym on a routine basis. I am actually starting to look forward to going to the gym as i am writing this.. why, not sure..  maybe that low-commitment funny crazy idea I just came up with.. tie/untie my shoes haha wth, if this shit works I am going to write a book about it haha.

then the first part.. the structure thing, which again, has been super inconsistent for me. working late.. staying up to 3am mindlesly watchingn random YT videos until my eyes cant no more. I think it has been an escape for me. Kind of like what PMO was in the past.. an escape of sorrow, lonelyness, lack of connection.. just wanting to drown my mind away and falling asleep. Its time to make a change here..  I need more structure in my life. I remember when I had a daily job, there was structure. well, i wasnt ‘happy happy’ but, at least I werent doing the shit i am doing to myself today.. hiding, depressive, not going out, all tied up in front of my pc all day…  I was active and outgoing when I had the security of a steady paycheck, the structure of knowing what to do for the day. I need that back!..  No one is going to make it for me but me. so..  lets see. main things are get enough sleep and get up in the morning, so I have enough energy to take my pills and get my ass out the door towards the gym. That alone would be a great accomplishment.. by time and repetitions i’d have muscles and fit look again, get some confidence, stay diciplined, get some mass on, get a better mindset, be more optimistic, be more approachable, smile more, approach women more and become a super stud .. ok ok, taking it too far now, easy now heh. But yea’,, ..  Get up at clock X and sleep at clock X, would be a good start. So,,, adding to the action plan, my counter. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. it’s a good experiment!.. I really hope I can find consistency in these things as I am experiencing with PMO-free right now….. and imagine if I could.. if so..
I would become the guy I want to be.

Pmo-free .   April 11 .   Day 51
Get up at 09am .   April 11 .   Day 0
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 11 .   Day 8
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 11 .   Day 8
30x Morning pushups .   April 11 .   Day 8
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 11 .   Day 0
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 11 .   Day 0
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 11 .   Day 0

(for new visitors seeing my counter : I know this might seem confusing , but it’s an accountablity counter which seems to have a positive effect for me staying consistent. so just testing things out until 1st of july).
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 12, 2019, 03:50:30 AM
Good morning day 52!..
check check check check chek and I am now out the door towards the gym.

Good day everyone!

Pmo-free .   April 12 .   Day 52
Get up at 09am .   April 12 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 12 .   Day 9
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 12 .   Day 9
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 9
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 12 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 12 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 12 .   Day 1

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 13, 2019, 05:23:00 AM
Nice! Get after it in the gym. Your posts help me stay motivated and on track.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 13, 2019, 05:36:35 AM
Day 53!.. trucking along. Yesterday I woke up early and hit the gym and did some work after.

had a crazy wet dream last night..  dreamt I was watching a P movie and I could feel my body really wanting to get have an orgasm,, then in my dream things shifted and I was all the sudden being an observer of myself watching the P-movie … and I was shouting to him/me “NO dont do it.. shut it down.. dont watch it.. its fake..” it went on like this and I woke up from the dream. I felt some sort of shame, because I thought I had PMO’ed since I still had some sexual feelings + wood .. then I relialised, it was all a dream =).. piuh.. 

Had a bad sleep after that, was up to like 5-6am and due to rain and thunder and didn't get to wake up at 09. So its 12:30 here, feel unmotivated but I guess that is natural due to a lack of sleep. Despite that,  I am gonna follow the plan.  taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this

Pmo-free .   April 13 .   Day 53
Get up at 09am .   April 13 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 13 .   Day 10
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 13 .   Day 10
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 10
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day --
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day -
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day -
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 13, 2019, 07:32:36 AM
... continued post (2h later)
Taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this
took my pills, prepped my gymbag and bicycle, got gym clothes on.. then.. I got disorientated,, procrastinated.. My mind did everything else than just getting my shoes on and getting out the door.. so I ended up wasting time on the internet. My friend called me and I told him I was my way to gym.. but I never went. I feel bad ,, no I feel dissapointed.. why cant I follow up and just do it?..  actually I do feel bad . and down.. I am really trying to tell myself "relax, it's your ADD,, relax you didnt sleep well" etc.. but fact is im just sitting at home now and not doing shit..  Will go meditate now and wait for my friend to pick me up... will help him change out tires on his car.. and i'll bring my laptop with him and ask him for help - getting help to sit beside me and do things i've been procrastinating.. seems like I dont have the willpower to do it by myself. I need help.

I finished the porn myth audio book. really got some great knowledge that will help my journey being pmo free. I am proud that i've come this far and I believe I can hit the 90-day pmo free for sure. But what I am dealing with now I think is my ADD (lack of motivation in everything) and therefore I bought 'Driven to distraction', a book about ADHD and how to get the best out of it.

I will try to get sleep early today and start fresh tomorrow. I feel sad right now for todays turnout, yet trying to stay compassionate and forgive myself. 
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 14, 2019, 07:04:34 AM
almost slipped today..  watching yt, led to some old behaivors watching abit of twerking,, and led into me watching an xrated vid for 1min.. holy shit, wth am I doing?!!... Instantly I knew that was a wrong path, and I shut it down before doing any harm.

quickly hurried up here to do some writing. Nothing done, no touching, no M or O - so this is not a slip, but a lesson, a warning..  I caught my behaviour in time before starting to touch or do anything to stop my progress. I learned from this lesson, be vigilant, do not even peek for a splitsecond, it will lure you down the rabbbit hole even if you don't want it. The power of the addiction is stronger than the rationalisation of 'I know I should not do this' .. all of that rationlising shuts down when our evolutionary body is seeking to reproduce. I am so thankful I was able to come to my senses.. I've never been this close to slip-up in my entire journey to this day. What a punch to the head this lesson was..

Today will be a tough day, as I can feel the crave for stimuli. Man fuck this Im not going down like this!!!

Not going to let this rule my life and relapse again and again over the years.. im done with this. Thank you for the warning, thank you for showing me I need to NOT PEEK, NOT SEEK anything at all!.. Thank you for showing me that it is easy to let guards down for just 1min.. thank you for giving me power to stop myself, realising the truth, that what I was watching was FAKE and would only harm me by continuing the process. Thank you for showing me I deserve more than this fake stimuli.. that I deserve true love and affection and to be loved for me - not a screen that does nothing for me.

What I did was an impulsive act which I initially had little control of.. I was observant of my acts but hard to resist it as my brain felt 'stimulated' - but I regained my senses and my self-control and came back to the truth. I feel like I need help from some higher powers at this point, so I will only use my laptop to seek information about god (I have been an atheist all my life, so this is a some shift to do this.. but feel like I need help from a higher source atm).

Thank you all for being beside me as we go through this addiction. I will add to my counter and mark this day with bold, to remind me of the marked day,, The day that almost took over but I did not let it.   For now, I need to take some time off and forgive myself for this behaviour, I need to ask for forgiveness and strength to continue my fight. I will ask for love to enter my life from real people.

I put my trust in the process and will truck along. I didn't come this long to give up. I deserve better. All the best -

Pmo-free .   April 14 .   Day 54
Get up at 09am .   April 14 .   Day 3
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 14 .   Day 11
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 14 .   Day 11
30x Morning pushups .   April 14 .   Day 11
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day 1
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 14, 2019, 07:28:00 AM
Man.. filled with shame now and riddled with questions. I know I did not relapse, but just the thought that something took over me, 'I got tricked' feeling.. annoys me, I just have so many questions.. why?..

Why could I see myself pressing, the very thing I was not suppose to do.. to stimulate myself 'a bit'..
Why did I click onto the next video, and the next?.. to stimulate myself with this 'just a tiny bit more'

I think the term is 'edging'.. clicking a bit, then a bit more,, until it eventually would escalate into a full blown release.
thankfully I didn't go there but I still feel the shame of going astray (or what it's called - english isnt my primary language)

Why was I aware of my actions the whole time,, but didn't stop it earlier?.. in total wasted 15min of clicking on 'innocent' stuff.. and when I ended up on that P vid and viewed a full 1min vid,, then it hit me..  "get yourself together fool!". 

For now, I mostly, just have questions..  what led to this?..
- procrastination (i was suppose to do something completly else today,, but ended up surfing).
- alone-time (not having a structured life, job, I manage my own time.. and no social life).

These are the main reasons... me not staying busy with anything. I had actually decided to update my CV so I could apply for jobs next week .. somehow I procrastinated that I led myself into the arms of the devil. Kinda feel sad about that.
But not gonna stay and have a pity party for myself. Gonna get up, take a shower and get out the door..

will bring my laptop and go to a coffe place and write that damn CV ffs!! I expect of myself to post an update tonight with my CV being done. I cant go on not having a social life, being totally isolated and not going out etc.. this is no way to live.
Maybe it was a sign.. a sign so I could do exactly that - take action and get my ass up instead of procrastinating.
.. Get busy with life!     

btw - thing is I just remembered,, when I had a job. I would still fall into this (mostly when I was bored).. I would go to the toilet to get a release and go back "working"... so the issue with P is not having a job..  It can be boredom, stress, loneliness..

but I will still apply for jobs, to get the social aspect in my life. I need that for my life as things are now. 
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 15, 2019, 05:36:20 AM
Got through yesterday and fought the urges. My mind was trying to trick me..  seeking dopamine spikes so I could 'release'.
Have some hard time staying consistent with the gym and other things.. so I am going to cook counter down to to basics again and start from there. Will take up gym up again when I have my other things sorted out. For now, just coasting along more vigilant towards urges and peeking. When I feel it happen, I will replace it with meditation instead.

Pmo-free .   April 15 .   Day 55
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 15 .   Day 12
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 15 .   Day 12
30x Morning pushups .   April 15 .   Day 12

I am getting close to day 60!.. makes me proud I've comes this far.. and I withstood the strongest test up to now (day 54) I learned a lot from that day.
Going strong - onwards and upwards
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 16, 2019, 02:39:06 PM
All well, put on some gangster rap and cleaned up entire place and fixing up CV. Productive day

Pmo-free .   April 16 .   Day 56
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 16 .   Day 13
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 16 .   Day 13
30x Morning pushups .   April 16 .   Day 13
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 20, 2019, 11:19:21 AM
Alright, I hit day 60...  meh,, not feeling anything. Guess I'm just having an off-day, low energy, no motivation, no desire for anything etc....  still working on my CV.. but not even sure if I want a job or not,, well..  so confused about anything.. but my conclusion is I have nothing to lose - just go to job-interviews and I'll get a better feeling from there. I am not obliged to take the job, there are no one pressuring me - I am to decide. And that takes some pressure and uncertainty of my shoulders. 

For the pmo journey, I can definetly feel a lot of hornyness.. it's usually like this at summertime. I'd really like to spend some time with a female.
I think trying tinder again would be ok I guess..  and some dating sites. dunno.. ... dont know what I want, this is my overall issue. I guess adhd does that, sigh.

have been peeking some YT videos,.. just to get horny ,then just to shut it down...  I think I want to "reward" myself some way,, like my mind is saying "hey it is good to be horny.. just watch some, then shut it down"... happened a couple of times - and this is exactly what I want to eradicate from my life.. the fake, the isolated, the lonely, the disappointing, the tricks ... all which are not real. just an artificial stimulation, that works me up and I shut it down, just to realise I spent my time on nothing. That which I was idolising was not there beside me. No one beside me to love me.. No one to adore me. ... I miss that. Been so focused on "fixing" my life, and focused on everything thas was wrong in my life, so I made got more of the negatives. Time to do some changes, I owe that to myself, to my son and family.. they want to see me happy as well.. not coocked up in a room all alone trying to 'make it' whilst being all isolated.

What am I doing to overcome these issues?.. well.. a job is a start to get social. that would get me into some routine again. I'll see what I can do about that..

for pmo.. not feeling anything.. just careless... I guess that is a part of it, being apathetic and not feeling it's going anywhere at times. I acknowledge that is part of the game.. trucking on...   I want to stop peeking completely, I think the couple of times I did it was not healthy,, it was not P,, but still.. it's the same act of searching, looking for something.. that dopamine-grip that takes over until you realise and wake up. 

I cannot put blame on any technologys like 'it's because youtube, or instagram etc'.. no, it is me. It is that sudden impulse in my body that just says "have a look at some *part of a womans body*" and makes my fingers type that shit in youtube or smth... its that automatic impulse that takes over. It is THAT which I need to observe, acknowledge and explain it with kind words "no my friend.. this is fake. let's not go there.. it has never, ever, given you what you wanted".

So, for the next 10 days I will try this tactic and see if I get better at managing my impulsive behaviour and control myself. 
besides that everything with pmo-free is going really good. something weird happened the other day,, I was taking a piss and out came some of my man-juice as I was pissing - ehh,, that was weird.. I pressed it out down the toilet.. My body must have been in excess haha.. normally I use to O and since I havent done that in 60 days, my body reacted like that.   

Still going hardmode and not touching etc. decided I will save it up for the next girl I am with. I am probably going to explode in my pants as I undress her.. its ok, I wont even explain or get embarrased.. I know there is so much in excess that I would be able to hit it off multiple times when I get a girl in my hands..  Need to stop talking about it though,, wont happen anything sitting here. So yea',, will take up some tinder and dating stuff again. They dont get me aroused in that aspect of wanting to peek/edge etc.. these sites really do bore me.. and my main focus is to get her out.. So I find can reason to install such apps.

So the next 10 days goal :

- Get my damn CV done completely   (next is to send to jobs)
- Snap some photos and get my tinder and some dating apps up again

Attending my sons birthday this weekend, so will probably be busy with that tough. anyways, have a great summer everyone.
Next stop day  70

Pmo-free .   April 20 .   Day 60
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 24, 2019, 07:55:45 AM
Day 64 hardmode - no P, no O, no M.
I am getting more confident that this time, I can manage this addiction for good!.
meaning, no more wasting time on fake stuff.

Held my sons 12th birthday with family this weekend. It was a great time, and proud of seeing my son so happy and thriving. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him.. actually everythingn I do is for him. I promise myself that P shit needs to go,, I want to lead by example and teach him from my experience. He is getting that age where girls are becoming an interest.. so at some point, I'll slowly educate him around this subject - when time is due. I will learn him the importance of love, being with people, showing affection and all that is related.. all from getting heartbroken, crying, feeling up, down, sex, and falling in love and the crazy stuff people do for love. I was never taught these things, affection and love was never talked about.. so I held in my feelings and felt it with P and online dating (sex).. but never what love was. 

I don't blame my parents, I don't blame anyone. All I can do is pass on my experience so my (and parents) lack of love wont continue. To this day I still long for love, connection and affection.. but I am doing little to get it because I am so tangled in being 'successful',, as if having a lot of money or fame is the solution to finding love. Won't get too much into that part as I am doing my best to overcome this.

I hope that this journey eventually will open up for more ; connection, people, love around me.
am I there yet?,, absolutely not - but I have hope, and that is enough. for now, I feel worthy of receiving love, I feel worthy of giving love.

This is what this journey is about for me. Discipline ( self respect and self love), kindness and compassion towards people.
I believe eventually the body and mind will open up more towards being affectionate when eliminating the empty and endless soul-destructing hole of P.

One day a time baby.. one day a time. We got this! =))  and reminding myself that = There is no finish-line..  no "when I hit day 365, then I'm FREE" ..
No, this is a life-long journey of learning how to love one self and trusting one self throughout the hardship of this addiction.. 

One thing that comes to mind is the battle of loneliness.. I don't want to 'end up lonely',, but this is where I am in my life for now. This is where I have been when ever gone to P.

How can I get the opposite then?.. I felt loved when I had my ex..  when I felt loved. So is women a solution to my problem?.. not sure,, there must be some inner workings that needs to be solved first I think. Question is, how can I not feel lonely?  being part of a hierarchy? a team?.. Feel like the questions I am asking myself when looking for jobs fx, are mostly around connection with like-minded people.. doing cool shit together and feel accomplished. This is not where I am today... and for that, I feel kinda sad and lonely... doing my best to get out of this situation.

I trust in myself and will gradually get myself out of this hole. .. and it helps that I now feel proud, accomplished with being disciplined enough to stick out almost 70 days of pmo-free..  It gives me that 1% extra motivation.. and this is what I need for now.

OHH.. and just remembered,, there was no social anxiety going to the birthday party!.. like, NONE!.. what?!.. normally I tend to sweat on my forehead and get super anxious about "them seeing me sweat" if I get into conversations with people being aroundn me.. then I try to avoid / eject the convo/situation - but none of that.. I was great at making conversations and holding it .. and if any subject I didn't feel like talking about, I manoeuvred around it without getting nervous. That is actually very good, as there were a lot of people around me listening in on the conversations I had. Huge improvement there!!..

Pmo-free .   April 24 .   Day 64
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on June 27, 2019, 10:16:45 AM
Man! that last post is seriously inspiring stuff. I think it's critical to keep an eye on the big picture and remember the deeper "why?" motivating the reboot. It's a powerful thing to know you can give your son a good example and take action to be that for him.

Sending you hope and encouragement. Thanks for motivating me today.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on June 30, 2019, 03:31:51 PM
hey, thanks man! glad some of my stuff can inspire))..

So, day 70..  I am almost finish with my CV stuff and having someone to have a look at it next week. Ready to send out applications for jobs after that.. will be a very challenging period, as I have been living off savings for the past 5 years or so (had quite saved up, so all good).. getting a job is more that I feel lonely, well also for the money etc... but more to just socialize as I use to.. be around people and not staying home all day. It will be challenging. I will feel social anxiety. I will sweat... but fuck it!.. Better to face fears or whatever they are and just fucking do the damn thing.. tired of this lonely shit,, no wonder I resolved to p. Lets see where it takes me.

If anyone here has experience in reading CV's and applications for IT-Jobs, I would be glad to send it to you for some feedback. Would mean a lot.

I had one day last week where I fell into a suggestion "just watch it a bit more".. again some harmless pics, but I observed the action,, that obsessive search for more..  It is the second time i've done that now and it is really hard getting away when you put yourself in that situation. So my battle is to say NO when the suggestions of peeking pops up all the sudden. I didn't edge (do anything sexual), touch or nothing .. it's just that grip that gets you, and wastes your time.. trying to lure you into more empty dopamine spikes for the brain. I will be more vigilant and stop it.   I do not qualify these two times as failing/reboot .. no, a reboot for me would be full-out PMO after endless watching. Thankfully I've held back from that shit. It was close, but I was strong enough to stop my behaviors.

It is an ongoing battle... I definitely feel insanely horny, and it shows.. well,, on a dating site i've been on some time. I can feel it in the way I write to the women.. I do it with tact, and they really like it.  Getting a date etc would be fucking awesome tbh.. not sure if im there yet, but i cant hide from the world forever..  Let's see where it takes me as well. I am sure I wouldn't be able to hold my hands for myself when I get on a date.. pretty confident going out  - when that day comes hah..   but yeah'.. im saving all that man juice up for the next girl. That thought inspires me NOT to pmo at all,, so I can feel the real thing fully and entirely.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

Gotta take meditation up again. and gym..  starting from tomorrow again. I will do my best to stay consistent with it. but it seems I need a stronger why......  I always 'fall off the wagon' some how. suddenly I stop gym ,, and meditation as well. baah..
im all over the place now. wrapping it up.

so.. what are my goals for next up day 80? : 
: Apply for 1 job.
: Meditate once a day
: Go to gym once a day

Will do my best.

Day 70
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on July 01, 2019, 08:45:18 AM
Staying away from PMO/orgasms gives you that extra drive, that extra motivation to get some dates. I'm pretty confident that you'll go on a promising date sooner or later. It definitely worked for me.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

This is quite common, I know these thoughts too well. I had them a lot during my early twenties when I delved a bit into pick up "literature". My thoughts were always, I need to have status X, body Y or character trait Z to attract the girls I like. But being a bit older and wiser now, I think this is all bullshit. In the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book, the author uses a term I don't remember correctly but it was something like "male anxiety" or so. A lot of products like the snake oil PUA want to sell you, or men's health "buy this and that fitness programm and get the biggest six-pack the world has ever seen in less than 4 weeks" cater to this anxiety. We always think we have to achieve certain things in order to be loveable. But I think we are already loveable enough to date attractive and benign women. Authenticity is key, I think. Why put on a facade in order to attract someone you aren't compatible with in the first place? That is not sustainable.

I want to stress though that I think it is healthy and advisable to work on yourself without overdoing or obsessing over it. Working out, striving for a good job, learning new skills, keeping old abilities sharp, reading and meditating is all great but not in order to "get the girl". I bet, you know these type of guys... "I'mma work out like a mad man to get a six-pack for the girl I desire". Then, they buy heaps of supplements and work out like crazy for 2-4 weeks before stopping it altogether. That's why I hate january when it comes to working out because the gym is full of people who want "the perfect beach body" for summer. Luckily, they all disappear after a month or two. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating people who want to achieve or change something but the ones I'm talking about are doing it for the wrong reasons (in my humble opinion) and therefore the majority of them won't have any success! And, of course, I'm not implying that you are one of these guys ;). Just digressing a little bit...  ;D

Take care and congrats on 70 clean days!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on July 04, 2019, 05:55:35 PM
Thanks Pete, yea I am sure it as well!
Yea I really liked that book as well. I’ve always been authentic when I actually go beyond my thought. It’s always the thoughts before taking action that keeps me back.
But when I start it up again, I am sure it will all come back to me,, and the boat will be rocking once again.

haha yea I know what you mean about the january-new-me syndrome,, never lasts .. My approach has always been 1% better a day - to improve myself. I try to use that approach to many parts in life and have patience with the process. It doesnt always go after the plan, but usually it does=).  Fortunately I have had many positive past experiences with women, dating, sex, etc.. so it's just getting things back up slowly again.  Stable gym, health and getting a job is my main objective for now - when these routines are in,, ill be back in shabba-ranks mode once again ).

I have made a tinder account recently, as I said i would do. Just to be a bit active in case something should pop up.. but not spending too much time on it. and I'm really picky so swiping left 95% is not getting me far there.. but its ok for now. might bump things up later.

So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

— but.. i never gave in. Today was especially hard as I had to resist many times,, I told the voice “NO” many times …all it had to do was to make my finger-tips type two words, and the cycle would start from there. I didnt do nothing..   even if my body is on the tip to explode.. there were times I wanted to M to nothing, just to get some testostoron out of my system.. but I didnt do anything. I even tried to make it OK by planning it in. like “I will M in 2 hours to nothing, just my thoughts etc’. .. but end up not doing it.   

I know all of this comes from boredom, my brain is bored,, then the dopamine monster kicks in the door and tries to lure me. I can totally understand why now..  Of coarse he wants to see some action, he sits and does nothing all day,, and when he does he is in front of a computer...  hmm... 

anyways, my conclusions is its better to let my juice be in there, so I have it when I see someone I like.  I think that is my why, that I don't want to let my stuff out for “nothing”..
 it’s like that reasoning is strong enough to fight that inner voice.  I will keep doing that.

I know what to do,... I am slowly doing the things needed to get my stuff back. get a daily routine etc. it just takes time.  Fixed my bike with a friend these last days, with the objective to get back on track with gym and decided towards healthier food habit (no sugary or carbs). all is progressing slowly.

not sure if any of this makes sense,, i am super tired right now and going everywhere (as usual).
I just know that today was challenging, but I fought back and I came out alive. I am proud of that.

am grateful for making it this far. I am thankful for the support of people here, really.

 15 days to go and it will be 90 days… i have something to look forward to,, but i’ll always be vigilant no matter the count.

Pmo-free .   July 5 .   Day 75

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Lero on July 05, 2019, 08:23:48 AM
So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

Oh, man! This sounds too familiar. I had to check out the username to make sure it wasn't me. But I guess all of us actually go through this. It's that "voice" that has made me relapse all the time. It's the fight with that spoiled kid that got used to getting "junk food" everyday and now he doesn't get any and throws tantrums. "Just a little bit because the urges will bring you a great arousal and it will feel fucking good!" has gone through my head too many times to count. "You will quit after 1 minute because you can!" It's another big lie because I always went all the way. Actually, when I start "edging" like that, it destabilizes me and I have a harder time ending the day well than when I have hard urges but I do nothing. I don't know if you can relate to this. It's like, I start "edging" but I have like a "tank of arousal" and that drains after a while. Now I don't have urges anymore so I should just stop, right? For some reason I just can't. It destabilizes me like crazy, it makes me crave more, it makes me mad that there isn't more (arousal), it makes me desperate for more. This being said, I'm better without doing anything at all, no peeking, no "1 minute edging", no "a little bit".

Anyway, you make complete sense. Congratulations on 75 days, I hope I will get there one day because I've never done this and I wonder what's like. Day 4 for me.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on July 11, 2019, 09:12:54 AM
Hey Lero,
Good job on day 4 - keep it up man! Yea.. the 'not peeking' and stopping one self before it takes over is important. It's not easy, but get better at it with time. Staying vigilant and observant of thoughts is key.. and also talking back to it when suggestions arise has been very helpful in my case. I am sure you will find you'r way as well!

Just here to do a follow-up and keep my journaling in check. Last couple of days have been somewhat 'easy'.. no cravings or anything. Started up gym again and slowly working my way up again.
Been having thoughts of thankfulness a lot recently.. "thankful for not been watching p for so long time"...  it's like my brain is starting to accept my new normal. That this is new normal, a life without P.
Kind of crazy to think about, when been so addicted to it 3months ago.. (and last 30 years) ..  .

and just thinking about that now, makes me sad.. 30 fucking years, destroyed every damn relationship because I compared them to P-stars.. and ruined my relationship to childs mother because I wanted her to be more sexy... trying to change her into a damn fictional p-character in my head..  fuck that shit.. never again. I've learned, and my healing is in progress... and from now on I will treat women better and stop judging and comparing them to paid actors on a tft monitor.

I feel grateful a lot.. I am so thankful i've reached to this point. I really look forward to the 20th, that will be my 90th day.  Setting small goals have been crucial getting here. Looking forward to a 7-day streak, and then a 10-day, 14-day etc.. Just putting small steps ahead and looking forward to the next goal. This is how I have managed getting here + getting a lot of help from all the replies here.

Take care all

Pmo-free   .      July 11   .      Day 81
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on July 11, 2019, 01:06:38 PM
Great job, mate!

I had the exact same aha moment a few weeks ago. I was waking up from sleep on the weekends and it dawned me that P is not a part of my life anymore and that I hadn't consumed in months. It's a slow and ongoing process and there is no finish line it seems like. But you get used to the path you're walking, so that's good.

Keep on going!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: MindOverModem on July 14, 2019, 01:33:02 AM
I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Lero on July 14, 2019, 05:05:01 AM
I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!

Although it's not the end of the world. It's not like we can't live our lives around that. If we can't drink, we shouldn't drink. And peeking at P is definitely forbidden. I mean, alcohol is not harmful in small quantities but there is no such thing about P. P is like cyanide. Would you swallow "a little bit" everyday? Congratulations on 5 years without drinking. This is outstanding. And you can live your life without it. It doesn't make you a freak.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on August 04, 2019, 06:30:42 PM
thanks everyone for replying. Hope you've all had some good weeks.

3 months!.. I am 106 days in, all hard mode. 
There have been a couple of times where I was in the shower and really horny.. masturbated just to edge a bit, and as soon as the pre-cum came I stopped it.
I stop it instantly when I feel too aroused,, because I project ahead, that I'll feel bad afterwards.. so I stop it all there and then. Also that I want to keep it in, so my ejaculation will be with a girl etc. it's been 3-4 times at max and I never came, So I will take that as continued hard-mode. Pattern of when I get really horny is mostly after I've matched with a special tinder girl and thought about what I'll do with them etc.  I get a ton of matches, but dont really follow up for dates etc,, but some of them, I can get really turned on by, the thought of when/if I'd meet them.. what i'll do etc...   that leads me to getting horny. 

no porn usage or anything like that, so really glad about that!.. Still occasionally get these micro-suggestions,, they come in a fraction of a second.. but I've gotten so good at catching/observing them that I do not follow up on the suggested action. Really happy about that as well! that itself is an amazing thing for changing old patterns. I've found the pattern to be mostly when tired/alone... so when the suggestions come I talk to myself "dude, you tired.. get off the pc, or you know where you'll end up doing.. fuck that"..
or "hey,, remember the past.. of all that shit youve watched.. did it get you any real life pu*ssy,, no.. then quit wasting time on it.. dont go there"....     self talk like that helps me not taking the next suggested step.

Had some aestethic surgery this week (rhinoplasty), so just taking it slow and steady chilling at home. it was something i'd wanted for many years and I am so thankful everything went well .. and that I finally went through with it. I look forward to have a big ass smile on my face without thinking about my nose. Not that I've ever had anyone tell me something, or issues getting women or nothing like that..  its just something I wanted to do. So with that, starts a new chapter =) 

oh yea forgot I was hitting on some hot girl I saw on the street before the surgery.. man, my testostoron is getting higher and higher, and my gym isn't even regular yet.. I can just imagine when I get fit again + hardmode for +3,4m + I dont have this psychological issue with my nose .. then Ill be going beast-mode haha...   will start hitting the gym in two weeks, and get fired back up.

so, I've done the surgery. Now next step is getting a job. combine that in with gym, hit on girls occasionally on the way to work or so (will eventually make a daily schedule) and all will be well. Just getting back on my feet and making my life steady and stable with confidence. Even considering adding in some hobbys at some point too.. but not martial arts this time,, something social and fun..  I've been mtb'ing on trails with my ebike lately with a friend and that is crazy fun... but will think of something where there are women as well. We will see in time.

I was really thinking of taking a trip to moscow in a month or so. Always wanted to go, and have women lined up wanting to meet up.. getting their whatsapp via tinder etc.  I am not sure if that is what I want,, (the women part) but it could be fun just going to see the city and get back home. Will see how everything goes with job etc. Dont feel good about keep postponing job search etc.

anyways, all is well and continuing the ongoing battle. The battle seems less violent, its fading a bit down and staying in the background - but I ain't lowering my shield. Always vigilant!

goal : going for 120 days. That is 4 months :O... I'll be home these next two weeks recovering etc. so that will be an interesting time. But I got this!!

Pmo-free   .      August 05   .      Day 106
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Lero on August 05, 2019, 04:13:37 AM
Outstanding fucking progress, man! An inspiration for all of us.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on August 20, 2019, 06:36:52 PM
+120 days.. I did it :) .. (

also started gym on a daily basis again and happy about that.
I think it is still hard with all that stimulation from basically everywhere.. cant open a news-site without something a woman is portrayed in a sexual context.
some days ago it lead me into looking up an actress, which led to being stimulated and curios about her..  and I ended up "just quickly checking" about her. googling a bit etc.

after 5min of googling I realised I got caught in the grip and ended up in a pron site to check if she had any videos... then it hit me   "holy shit wth am I here for?!" and got out of it. No harm done.. but I got aroused during those minuttes I have to admit.   But again,, no harm done because days after, I got the suggestive thoughts which kept saying 'hey go there again',, 'arouse yourself just a bit, you are allowed'.. etc...     but I quickly called it out for what is was : CHASER EFFECT!... when I said those words, it it's like that voice, that suggestion got found out.. and it quickly vanished. Not sure how to explain it.  anyways.. I did not follow any of the following chaser effects because I quickly observe the feeling and called it out. It lost it's power each and every time by doing that.

Now.. the fact is, I did act on my impulses.. I remember been doing that once or twice during these months.. basically same loop - I see something usually after 1 month / boredom etc (you know the drill)..  and just have to check a bit.. I watch a bit, get aroused,, end up somewhere where I quickly realize to gtfo and I stop everything and eject asap.

I am aware of this pattern. I realize there is still inner work to be done. I have to stay vigilant always.... there is no need to reset counter or anything,, I didn't do nothing, just got caught in the rabbit hole and got abit aroused, realized it and ejected. no biggy... but, yea,, kinda half-biggy (lol).. like, that wasn't suppose to happen. It seems like I get into this small routine once a month or so,, it's like my body wants to remind me / take me back to what I use to do. But my inner conciuos wakes up quickly and doesn't let it.    Something is working right in there :) that is a good thing.
Will see if I can do something else when I get aroused.. I'm sure similar pattern will arise next month or so again.

With that said, I am still on the path. been a bit ups and downs, haven't been perfect.  meaning, I really want to ditch those impulsive 5min of getting caught by lust once a month.  (will get there)

Then there is tinder.. get a lot of matches, but I think my texting structure isn't up-to-date haha.. No need to blame it on the women for being bombarded constantly with new stimuly etc. I'd rather take it on me, and improve my texting style so I can get something out of it. So will look into tinder optimizing =).

besides that my plan is to follow up on day 150 which will be 5 months,, ouch..  that kinda hurt realizing that just now.  5 months gone by so quickly.. shit...
... fuck it. gonna be real about it.  5 months is ,, no it is much more than that.. I havent had any interactions with women. im sad about this.  My thing was not to be lonely,, and here I am, fucking lonely as fuck. My entire problem is this. tacklening loneliness. wth ..  I need to get out, I need to get a hobby... something needs to happen in my life..

sorry for the rant and just spilling out my thoughts as I write here. Gonna stop here and get some sleep. hopefully ill make plans from tomorrow how to better my situation.
I think most of the things im going through is because of social anxiety I have deep inside, which i've had since 15 or so..  I am turning 39 in 3 months. :I .   This is what I need to work on.

anyways.. taking a day a time. gym first and eat healthy are priorities right now.  all will be well.   

> and thank you Lero for the kind words. Im not feeling that inspirational right now,, but thank you for putting a smile on my face,, and making me realize that 123 days is actually pretty fucking awesome :D

a thing about counting and goals : I fully realize there is no "end".. there is no "My big goal is 2020" etc..   nop. I am basically tricking myself with these micro-goals and increasing the numbers and looking forward to hit that next number.. but the numbers are just symbolic, and the counting doesn't really matter..  as there is no finish line. there will never be.
There is just this.. doing the best we can today. and just follow that approach each day.  If there was a finish line, that would most likely be the day I'd mess it all up...  Not sure what they call that, but im sure there is a psychological term for it.  I pray to stay on this path and share my journey with all of you.

Pmo-free   .      August 21   .      Day 123
next up : 150 days! ... I can fucking do it"!! 5 months baby lets goo!

Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: The Unhappy Fapper on August 21, 2019, 12:42:04 AM
dude congrats on the milestone!! Am very jealous :)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Lero on August 21, 2019, 03:37:39 AM
Goddamn, man! You're killing it! 4 months is amazing! This is an example of determination.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on August 21, 2019, 07:09:23 AM
Hey zazen,

I was wondering how you were doing as you stopped posting frequently as of late. But I'm delighted to hear that you are still clean. I think, your conclusion about the "google the actress" incident is totally right. Things like that are very likely to happen. Sometimes we act on these triggers and sometimes we are exposed to triggers whether we like it or not. It's important what we choose to do if we find ourselves in such a situation and you did the right thing. You snapped out of it and you didn't go back days later. Well done!

About the social anxiety: Are you anxious around your friends/family/people you know as well? For me, it's only around people I don't know really well. So, the initial hurdle might be high but once you managed to overcome it, it probably gets easer from there. Like attending a regular activity with a steady group of people. Of course, it's always difficult to be "the new one". But if you continue to go there (whatever it will be), you will find your place, you will find people you like, perhaps you will even become friends with them. You stay at a house of a friend, if I recall correctly? How bad of a guy can you be, if someone trusts you so much, that he let's you live at their place?!

Regarding the tinder: I never used tinder or any other dating apps so take the following advice with a grain of salt ;). What if you try to set up meetings with your matches as quickly as possible. Preferably in public, so they don't feel threatened or in danger by your suggestion in without appearing needy. You could do it seemingly casual like "Tomorrow, I have to do some chorse in that area but I have time at 4 and there is a really nice coffee house in street XYZ, so if you have time, let me know!". This way you could easily filter the girls who really want to meet or the ones who just want some validation from you. The ball is also in her court now and she has to act. Even if she refuses your proposal at first, maybe she comes back and wants to meet up at a later time. I'm telling you this because a female friend of mine found her bf that way with the only difference that she was the one proposing the meet up. She did it because she told me in her own words that she was tired of all the exhausting writing with guys. Again, neither am I a pickup artist nor do I have any experience with dating apps. And don't forget (online) dating is a number's game, so don'tget discouraged ;)

Take care!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on September 20, 2019, 01:51:27 PM
150 boom!.. did it!!... so, lots of things is happening lately.
I'll start it off by I met a really nice girl..  she, (calling her M) opened up a tinder account and we matched.. and it wasnt her thing after 3-4 days so she deleted it.. but got her # right before.

M is a scandinavian woman mixed with my ethnicity (middle eastern), actually same country as myself.. so we speak the same language. .. so I invited her out and went to her home city. We went to a restaurant and conversation was smooth, she was nice and we both had a mutual interest in each other. We went to a bar afterwards but just with non-alcoholic drinks.. chatted and said bye after that first date. all good.  We had a really fun time, and she was super sweet.. and fun mixing up english, scandinavian and our common language.  She is 5 years younger than me and has two kids... but she looked amazing and no one would have guessed she have had children.

so.. after the first date she wrote "I hope you will see me again".. , and that's where I truly felt .. wanted.  I really missed that, especially from a kind and heart warming person with genuine interest in me. I could tell from the beginning she was a feminine, warm and loving person and that is exactly what I wished for.  So our first date was sunday last week... and after we went apart, she wrote she wanted to come to my town and visit me.. I was kind of surprised about that, but yea,,, was totally up for it.

She came yesterday and I picked her up.. we had a walk in the city and went to a restaurant and had some pasta. Overall we just hit it off again and there was a common attraction. After we ate I took her closer to where I live, and showed her around.
We went to a cafe and got some drinks and went to my place afterwards.

Now here is the thing....  After some kissing and touching, she was like 'lets go to the bed'... now, this is our 2nd date.  And I already told myself that I would'nt want sex with her on the 2nd date... because last time I did that,  that "relationship" got toxic, I became uniterested in her etc. etc.... so I promised myself "No sex with her on 2nd date"....  ok.    we kissed etc and she asked to sleep there. I wanted her to be with me so of coarse I said yes. Then things just became more challening as she was way more attractive than I'd ever imagined.  Things became hot, but I kept pushing her away when I was too aroused... after an hour of playing like that, I had to tell her so she didnt think I was gay haha...

So told her my situation, that I liked her.. her personality and I believed things could be better for the long run - if we didnt do anything this night. ..   and I told her I havent done anything with myself for 6months,, nothing from down there has come out :)..
she was very impressed with my level of self-control and kept teasing me and telling me "are u gonna give up"... but I kept in there despite the hardship. Not sure why I told her I havent touched myself for 6months,, but I never mentioned porn or anything... just said it was something I had chosen, because I wanted to save it for sex with a special woman.. and I didnt want to fuck it up with her by doing the 'easy thing'...  All the girls I've slept with that quickly never turned out to be any good thing in my life.

long story short, we had an amazing night with affection, kissing each other and just holding each other through the night. maan i really missed that kind of lovin from ,,, not just a beautiful woman but just overall warm hearted and loving woman.
so yesterday was just amazing for me. I woke up early, went out and got us some breakfast.. and took her home afterwards.  We've been messaging today with how much we miss each other.

This is just what I really wanted. to be missed, needed and wanted from a person that has true intentions. She told me she was scared, as she liked me a lot.. but thing is I like her just as much and told her that.
I've been hurt too by other silly girls, but I am open to give love another chance.  and with a woman like her, loyal, beautiful, sweet, kind, funny and everything .. and serious in wanting to be with me.. and a person I feel I can trust.   yea I like that =) ... 
no games are being played, not from her side, nor mine..   cant even remember when i've had a relationship with genuine intentions.   makes me sad now, but bygones are bygones..  I guess am growing up more and more serious about a genuine loving relationship in my life.  .. so im really glad I've met her.  Going to meet her again in two weeks, as she had planned going to a week trip with her friends,, and then there are kids / work etc - but REALLY looking forward to see her... 

and the better thing about it, is I am getting more motivated to improve my living situation.. so starting to get help for looking for jobs etc. gotten a special mentor that helps with jobs. Might be looking into some leadership coarse, so I can manage people.
Not 100% on this yet, but gradual steps are going in the right direction here.

I want to mention that I have watched P two times. But no touching or anything,, just teasing for 5-10min and then close it down before things get too much. I did watch it before my first date with M - havent watched it since. 
This is my pattern for some time,, I think 20-30min max per month watching without doing anything. I am fully aware of this and I consider this a HUGE improvement compared to PMO'ing on a daily basis with huge negative affect on my life.
So not considering this a break of my stride at all - I'd have to ejaculate fully for that to consider a break of stride. 

-- BUT I should do something about this. Like, have more self control not even looking at all... but thing is my rationlization is I am a very passionate person with incredible sexual drive. "so it's ok just watch for 10min"... I know its wrong, as the 10min could become 20min and so on. I definetly dont want to go there at all.  I hope someone could chime in what to do here... my pattern is I watch it once or twice a month because I suddenly get horny / and just want to tease myself for abit.  I close it down instantly if I feel im just the slightest close to ejaculation or things take too much overhand (like spending +15min there)...  Then I start thinking "wtf am I doing here ffs!.."... then I close it down.  I wish I had some tactics to reduce / overcome this, as I feel like I've improved so much already... so why not just eradicate P completely from my life. like 100%...  I feel its possible.  maybe it will get easier when M is coming more into my life.

Pete, thank you for your reply the 21aug. sorry I didnt reply, but I deeply thought about everything you wrote. thank you for that. 
My anxiousness is only around new people and mostly in new crowds , or when I have to present something to several people. but one on one I have zero issues at all.  So im not sure if I really have social anxiety or if its just nerves of 'the new one'...  All I know is I speak less as other people in the crowd (a bit introverted) and my adhd thought jitters with thoughts like "why arent you speaking with the people" and I feel 'less' if I dont say much. Stuff like that....     
But I think a major shift is about to come soon in this aspect. I am projecting another "me" .. a person I see before me with much more confidence and much more to give.
I think 2020 will be my year of improvement on the social aspect. If I could fix this..    why am i starting to cry now://..  ...       yea.. if I could fix this.. could change my life completely. 

So my goal for 2020 is be to become more social, outgoing and happy.

Alright, I think im gonna keep it at that for now. 

Pmo-free   .      September 20   .      Day 153

next up 6 months!..  : 180 days!.. lets go!"

oh btw : I cant WAIT to have sex with M shiat!!  its gonna be the booooooooooooombbbb :D :D :D
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on September 21, 2019, 06:41:07 PM

had some troubling times today...  after meeting M we've been writing more often how much we miss each other and feel a mutual love and connection. 
.... Thing is,, I was still swiping on tinder,, and all the sudden I was matching with model girls,, which appearance really triggers me. I kept swiping etc..

but today,, man.... I was feeling sick in my stomache. Like I was doing something wrong. My body was telling me to get rid of tinder..  There was a reason M came into my life,, for me to become serious, have a healthy relationship with 1 woman.. 
and not keep swiping, searching and wishing for a better one.  M is amazing, and I was feeling guilty of having some sort of addiction, some pull, to swiping on tinder. ... all the sudden I started crying, scared of my emotions to M, scared of commitment ,, scared of being loved. ... I know M is capable of loving me. That is scary... but this is what I truly wanted.   One woman which desires me and just me, for who I am now. I felt that with M.

So... after a warm shower and some crying over I felt addiction to tinder-women + losing the 'old me'.. that part that always was a player,, a seeker,, that guy that always wanted a better looking hottie to smash... losing that identity. But I wanted that. I wanted real love in my life. This is what all of this journey has been for me...  and now the opportunity knocked on my door with M,, and I decided - .. I chose to do the right thing. Unmatched all the girls i've been writing/flirting back and forth with,, and wrote just one girl I could see was special and explained her:

"hey ... wanted to let you know before I delete this... you look very (/compliments on ). I wanted to reply you as I can tell you seem like a good person. Been seeing a person lately and starting to like her, so decided to not play on several girls and put my focus on her. So I wish you the very best in finding a man that is kind and loyal to you. All the Best."..
She was really nice and responded "thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in love.. "...   

I didnt have to explain anything to her..  we just matched and the only thing she wrote was "thank you for the match:)) " ... and I responded like that. maybe a bit overdo haha,, but I felt like I had to explain just somebody.,, and not just delete tinder. I needed some approval or some acknowledgement or something from a attractive and cute woman.  Really glad she responded the way she did and not just shit like "ohhkeyy".  Well dont know why I had to tell her. I just did.. and after writing her.. I deleted tinder.
...deleted all other dating websites. 

I have no other women I am putting my focus on other than M..   Is it a risk, yes.... well I mean I could always open those things up again - but as things are now,, I really like M,, and I think she likes me even more,, so I have a good feeling with her. That I can trust her heart.  So for once, I am not going to look for something better while having one in my hand.  Decided to show my love to her and open up to her.. and hopefully I will receive love from her as well.. 

So, had to get tinder and stuff out.. as soon as I deleted all those things, I felt a stone drop from my chest,,.. my conscious cleared and didn't feel bad rest of the day. I feel happy and excited to start a relationship.  cant even think im writing this.. I've been single for like 10 years,, but in all of these years it's just been girls for fun.. sex and lust here and there.   This time it feels different.   
No one knows where this will lead, if we even like each other in 3-4 months time. But I'm willing to give it a shot and open my heart to M.

So all in all, I am now feeling I'm starting to receive what I was wishing for,, when started this journey.    True love.   
ok heh, I know it's only 2nd date etc.. but Im really good at detecting bs, intention and integrity with people - and I feel a deep connection with M in a very short time. So yea.. I do feel loved with her.  Lets see where it goes.
I might get scared, I might push her away.. I might lose interest and start chase for another model-like girl.. etc etc... I do not hope I go down that path. Im so tired of fake women (... I really like this one. She is all I want and wouldn't want to change anything about her. I like her just as she is.

just had to get this off my chest. It was a huge step for me to delete all of that attention from girls online. But I did it.  Time for a change.  I hope she wont break my heart. I am scared of that.

Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on September 21, 2019, 10:38:20 PM
Been thinking deeply about this... from today and onwards to day 180. I decide not to watch a second of pron or anything that might trigger me.  I believe I am able to do this.
Want to break that reactive and impulsive compulsion I get 1-2 times per month, where I rationalize it with "will watch for 10min max just to get aroused"....... its enough.. tired of it. 

If I can go hard-mode (meaning no ejaculating) for 155 days I sure as #"¤ can break that stupid addiction of lemme just watching a liiil bit.
I really want to continue my healing and step it up a notch.. I desire to establish a healthy relationship with M. She motivates me to take this even more seriously and quit playing around with this shit.

so here is my next goal. : not watch any form of pron / or anything that can trigger me / arouse me from this very day until day 180.
I will follow up on this goal on day 180. It will be on the 17th of October. I've made a calender schedule to remind me of this.

disaster plan : What will I do IF i get aroused and feel the need to watch something to get aroused on (stimulate myself).
solution : ... tbh i dont know if there is any solution here,, but I will try with this for now; pray.  Just try to pray .. I am not religious, but if this or any higher power can distract me from my urges - then so be it.  im desperate. ill do anything from now on. no more playing around

I am tired of being lured by the grip of fake stimulation,, even if it is so little.. still, its like it lures me in once a while and I hate that. I've made such a big improvement compared to all my past failed reboot attempts.. I am sticking to it this time - but these small incidents of 'just a lil bit of peeking' annoys the "#¤ out of me. I want it out of my life completely .. stop coming back ffs. I know im stronger than this.    Hell,, If I could say no to having intercourse with M that night,, that is beast-mode self-control.... so surely I would have the self-control to stop peeking for good. Crossing fingers.

Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155
goal until day 180 > not one second of fake stimulation - nothing.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on September 22, 2019, 04:32:18 AM

Read this from Pete Mcvries on another post :
I have two suggestions: Since you are dealing with a lot of adversity, maybe it would be helpful for you to add to your form of journaling a short passage where you either note something positive that happened to you that day or something that you did good that day. Or both ;). You are focussing on a lot of negative things like urges, negative emotions, negative cognitive effects and pain. While I think, these things are noteworthy, perhaps it would be helpful to shift your focus to more positive things. And even though there seema to be a lot of darkness in your life, I'm sure there are some rays of light.

Which I found was just an excellent advice given from Pete. Focusing on the positive more. I think, i would like to do that more as well. Have the feeling there is little structure to my journaling (not that there should be any) but if just I could have some fixed things that reminded me something positive to say that would be really good. So for me, i would like to share what I am thankful for. I believe gratitude can get a person very far and i would like to implement that more into my life.

so decided to add this to my journaling .:   "Today I am thankful for:"   then a short sentance about that.
Will start with that. nothing fancy.. just a reminder to write something positive and what im thankful for. 

Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155

Today I'm thankful for : I am thankful for this community, to read others story and what everyone go through, all the struggles and how people cope and find a way ... thankful for all the people that contribute as I learn so much on so many levels. Thankful for every person reading and helping me, helping others here and being helpful in their own way. so.. I really appreciate being here.  and a thank you to Pete Mcvries for being there from beginning, for your inspiration, kindness and helpful comments.
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Lero on September 22, 2019, 05:10:48 AM
That's a good idea, man. You're doing great. Almost 5 months without P this is wow!
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on September 23, 2019, 09:14:35 AM

Ah, man, reading your last entries made happy! So much great progress on all fronts. And thanks for all your kind words! I'm happy, I could contribute to your journey. Your support is/was also greatly appreciated :)

I'm gonna comment on a few things, but I want you to remember that you are the expert for your situation, so I might be wrong about some stuff.

First off, I think it's great that you and M. have such a great chemistry from the get-go. You seem to want to have a serious relationship with her rather than a short fling. I think, both of us are similar in the sense that we contemplate a lot about the things in our life. Like you mentioned in group contexts that you have thoughts like "I should say something because I haven't spoken in 5 minutes" or so. With my partner, I had these thoughts a lot in the beginning and it stressed me a bit. Like, are we a couple now, are we 'just' dating, what are we, what do I tell other people? Instead of just enjoying each other. To this day (after a solid 6 months of dating), we still haven't talked about our relationship status but it's as enjoyable as ever. I pondered so many hours about my feelings, "do I love her?", "do I 'just' like her and am attracted to her?", "is this already love?", and stuff like that... Maybe these thoughts were necessary but they weren't helpful. It became really pleasent for me once I just accepted that I'm dating her and that I don't need to justify myself in front of anybody. In my mind, I fear that she and other people would expect certain things from me once we are officially together and that stresses me. For some reason, I can move more freely (so to speak) and express myself better when I don't feel external pressure on my shoulders. Of course, if she wanted to talk with me about it, I would have to take up position but action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? In my country we have a saying that goes something like "A man is measured by his actions rather than his words!" Now, I'm talking a lot about myself but what I was trying to say initially is just try to enjoy the time with her without making her your wife already in your mind or degrade her to 'just' a lover. I think, if you enjoy the time with her and make it as enjoyable for her without being a pleaser, you both will have a great time and then you will eventually see where your path leads and you will also know, if she is the woman of your dreams or just a temporary companion. You went on two dates so far, how would you know if you two match for a long term relationship (in real life not on tinder ;D).

Regarding the P: I think it will be critical for you in the long-run to eliminate the behaviour of watching p for a few minutes. You are keeping a small loophole for the addiction to creep back in. Right now, you are aware of the door and manage to fend it off but imagine what could happen, if something bad happens in your life, a personal crisis or something that demands your whole attention? It's a dangerous game and it also keeps the addiction alive. You are absolutely right: You made great strides, you unlocked 99% of all achievements of the game and that deserves some hearty pats on the back but don't forget, that 1% is missing and why not accomplish the last missing 1% in order to finish and complete the game? And then you can put it back in the box, you are done with it, you have seen and done it all, it's a thing of the past. You won't forget it and therefore you won't have to go back anytime soon. You haven't masturbated for 155 days, that alone is a massive accomplishment. You said it best, why wouldn't you be able to meet challenges of the last remaining task? You have one piece of the puzzle left... You just have to put in place and enjoy the picture.

The fact that you started crying while typing your entry made me smile. Look, man, your emotions that's only positive. You are living, you have feelings and it touches you because it means so much to you! How great is that? I don't know how it was for you before rebooting, but my emotions came back with full force and it felt like rebirth. Last week, one of my best friends told me that he landed his dream job. He was working to get it for almost two years and I've seen him putting in the work and that made me incredibly happy that I had to shed a tear as well while he excitingly reported it all to me... Whatever your goals are, small but consistent steps. You work out, you know how progress works. You can't bench press 250lbs on your first day of the gym. But you will get there with persistence and hard work.

I also want to congratulate you on deleting tinder. I had a conversation with my therapist about tinder/dating apps once. Perhaps, it's helpful to visualise what is happening there. Imagine getting to know a very interesting, nice, and sexy woman (M.) in a bar. You spend a great few hours together. After that you got to the next bar and talk to more women. Rinse and repeat. Of course, you will get to know more interesting women and you start to compare them and one has flaws where the other excels and vice versa but woman X has the best character but she is not the best looking and so on and so forth. It is not healthy. I'm not too experienced with dating but if I apply humanly sanity and reason, I'd advise you to focus on M. for as long as you feel like you like her and she does you good. You don't have to put all your eggs in her basket (that wouldn't be advisable either this early) but give her a chance and see where it takes you. Of course, guys are not happy in their relationships if they watch porn everyday. Of course, you won't be happy with M. in the long term when you compare her to possible new mates on tinder. Same mechanic. Endless novelty and where this leads, you know by now ;D Rather the sparrow in the hand than the dove on the roof. Meaning, focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. You've read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" didn't you? Somewhere in the book the author mentions that we live in a world of abundance and it's true. If M. turns out not to be Mrs. Right or something in that ballpark, there are plenty of single women left to be dated. They don't run anywhere. Same with work and other areas of your life. As long as you are able-bodied and able-minded to a certain degree, you have the power to change your situation to the better. Your reboot proves my case, doesn't it ;)

You are doing great and I wish you all the best. In any event, keep the ball rolling! I'm really happy about the new developments in your life  :)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on October 14, 2019, 05:46:04 AM
starting this post with tears in my eyes... why?,, because I went back and read my old post. that I set a goal of not watching a single second of any stimulation until day 180... that is in 3 days... and I haven't watched a single second of ANY stimulation. Nothing at all. It makes me believe in myself.. that I can actually do it and overcome .. this.  Makes me stop right now, and just process it while tears are running down. shit.. a lot to take in.  deep breath in and lets move on.

M. So, as I mentioned I met that girl.. and we have been meeting up more and more.. Our connection is absolutely amazing together, nothing like i've ever met before. Maybe it's because she is from my original country as well.. but there is something really deep between us. We can laugh about anything and everything when we are together, we have amazing sex and she is all that I really want in a woman. So she makes me happy right now, and I know she is very happy for me as well. I feel loved. I am so thankful for experiencing this. This is what I wished for.  I always had a inner belief that I wasn't 'enough' to receive love.. maybe because of some childhood stuff. Well,....... fuck that.. I've given myself permission to give my love and receive love. Is it being vulnerable, hell yea.. but there is no one else I'd like to be vulnereable than with M. So love is going on the right track and I am so happy.. so happy about that. I treat her well and there is nothing more i'd like than to care for her.. and she recieves all my love with affection and thankfulness.. I can truly feel that she is really happy as well. We are still early in the process, and everything could happen - but for now, we are just enjoying each other and taking it slowly (even if everything seems like its going fast due to deep love connection).. we'll see where it goes =)

I am in the process of sticking my head out.. created linkedin again and taking online coarses and about to send job applications from next week. Seeing a former CEO and now a business coach, which is helping me incredibly much.. I am so grateful for have met him. I dont feel that much isolated any longer,, I am taking actionable steps towards getting job interviews, as this is what I want. I want to get back to a stable workplace with good people around me. It is coming to me,, I feel it.

as I mentioned. Not one single second of nothing.. not even being caught in the loop of seeing a hot woman and spending time watching her / others etc... no ,, if I saw a woman, I thought  'she is beautiful'.. but I didn't go after it. I chose not to spend my time on it. My afterthought was 'why should I be clicking onto this?.. will it serve me a purpose?.. will it make me have a connection with her?... do I want a connection with her?.. Do I want to actually do anything that would sabotage my relationship with M'?   .... In a splitsecond I answered all of those questions with a clear 'NO' and that made me not spend a single second of that. I have reached my goal. It is becoming clear to me, that becoming pmo-free / artificual stimulation-free  IS POSSIBLE.  I know I know, not taking this as 'im cured' or anything hehee... I am well aware the powers of the pixels, so I will forever stay vigilant. It's more likely that staying away from all of this is easier when life seems on a blue cloud. But what about when things are bad, then what - then, I will have tactics and procedures to follow.. I have a if-this-then plan. I feel confident in myself that I can do it.  And the crazy part is I actually had 5 months of hard-mode... and I did it because I told myself "I want to save it, until I have sex with a great girl" and that is exactly what I did...  She was very understanding because my initial times of intercoarse was quite,,ehmm,, shortly lived=) but after some times, we are just getting better at it.. and it is because I am being very communicative with her.. "what is it you like,, how do you feel when I do this.. do you like it when I do xyz".. this i feel is really important to establish a healthy and deep sexual relationship.  So I feel my sexual drive is becoming much more healthy, natural..  I am actually enjoying, desiring and hungry for her,, a real life woman in her 30s that had kids already - she is truly amazing and wouldnt want to switch her out with any of the "dolls" I use to fantasize about.

Thank you once again Pete for your insightful choice of words. It seems we are alike in many ways, I definetly think contemplate about the things in our lifes. I read your reply once a while and think through it.. it puts things into perspective. Today I especially focused on what you wrote here ;
"action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? "   ... This is exactly how I feel it as well, so I'll continue to let my actions speak and enjoy our time together.

and thank you thank you for reminding me about the P. you have no idea how much it helped, really ... I actually took the definite decision that very day I read your post .. to not watch a single second. I always wanted to do it, but your words sealed it and fired me up to take action. thank you!

Thank you for telling me its ok to have feeling. It hits hard.. I am a very masculine man on the outside but a lot of emotions are inside. So I feel truly grateful to have this platform to share all my thoughts and feelings,, and getting feedback on it is just amazing. You have a way with words that are really encouraging and are mind-shifting. Thank you for taking the time to reply, as I am learning a lot.  I have definetly done what you mentioned  "focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. " ,.... put my time on M, deleted all other women and pipe-dream stuff.. and honed in on making a better and stable structure in my life. Small steps towards the goal.

keeping the ball rollin!.. thanks


oh shit.. its 180 days already?.. holy crap that is 6 months!... imagine if I could go 7 months, 8... 9 .. 12?!..  can feel something squeeze around my heart while writing this and my stomache turn upside down. Not sure why...  maybe because I'm scared of letting go of something that was soo deeply ingrained in me. But I am here now aren't I?.. I've gone 6 month already goddammit.. so what the hell should stop me from going 1 year?!!..  so fuck it - i'm going to make a bold plan BUT with small steps towards my plan .......    funny how I didnt use the word goal now,,    there is no end-goal in this..... I should be using the word 'PLAN' from now on and not goal :D ..   ... so lets go! :

1. I chose to be completely pmo-free.. not watch a single second of anything from this very date > 17 November.  = 7 months in.
2. I chose to let go of hard-mode and if I feel like masturbation, that is ok (but only in the shower and with no stimulation at all.. and only with M in mind).
3. I will focus in on M and make a long-lasting relationship between us (cant remember when I even had that before.)  no more sex-flings for me.

The overall plan is to continue this process of not watching anything at all - I believe I can become totally free of stimulation going into year 2020.

grateful :

I am so grateful and happy that I am becoming more and more observant of my impulsive thoughts and the way I feel my body,, when it gets aroused, when it just becomes super radiant and want to pursue that something.. I am thankful that I can talk with kindness and compassion to myself and guide myself into a path, that is more beneficiary to me in the long run. I hope and keep the faith that I'll be able to continue this. Today I will pray and ask for strength to continue this path.


Pmo-free   .      October 14   .      Day 177
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on October 22, 2019, 05:30:30 PM
keepin the streak going.. not seeing M before sunday, as she had planned going a weekend holiday with a girl friend of hers.
... thing is, today has been quite active with suggestions after getting home and all tired.

The suggestions are like a whispering voice,, not quite there - but a shadow telling you kindly to do something which is forbidden...  I guess the reader knows what im talking about here.

I came here to write instead of taking action of something id regret. i promised myself not to take action on anything at all.....

The suggestions came after seeing a news-website,, and a p-star was mentioned.. I clicked the news, and then I started hearing the voices "hey..go on.. you can just search for her name" I could feel my body getting aroused - but I shut it down.  Then after half an hour or so, it started again "psst.. search for the titlex*" ....  and my body starting getting aroused again, just by the thought/whisper - of me searching for some x-rated stuff. other suggestions came up... "hey, its just to watch it for a bit... you could learn so much,  new sexual positions which you can do with M"....   as if i've never watched P in my life before or had sex *eyeroll right now heh^*

Nahh..  I didn't go there...... I hurried up in here, and to write an update, and im going to bed in 5min from now. Not having any of that stuff, just because my body feels tired. I am not going to sabotage any of my process or introduce any fakery stuff, which eventually will destroy the natural sexual thing i've built up with M. Not having any of that.

but I do feel a strong need for sexual stimulation, or.. just having sex with M. I am just going to stick it out till sunday.
Our sexual is really good.. we both love it, and it couldnt be better. So I reaaally look forward to seeing her again.

- thankful -
I am thankful for not taking action despite feeling the arousal, feeling how much the suggestions wishes me to chase that 'forbidden fruit'. I am thankful I rerouted here, as an auto-pilot when alarms are going off, where I can spill my inner thoughts, instead of doing something id regret later. I am thankful for you, taking the time to read this post. I wish you the best in your journey.

over and out.. hittin the bed
all the best

Pmo-free   .      October 23   .      Day 187
come here 17th november - I got you.. i will be 7month pmo-free!! nothing can stop me
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on October 23, 2019, 05:35:27 AM
That is an excerice we will have to practice over and over again. You know how it goes, the sooner you stop, the sooner you don't act on these thoughts (better yet dont even start in the first place) the easier it will be to snap out. Personally speaking, these urges have almost become nonexistant for me but they still occur from time to time. Looking up Pornstar XYZ is the most common thought. My brain tells me to do it, I ponder about it 2-3 seconds and the come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be the best of ideas and then carry on with my day. The more you successfully practice this excercise, the better you get at it. No difference to bench press or chin ups ;).

Good job and carry on! :)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on November 17, 2019, 03:44:40 PM
month 7.

things are going well with me and M, and our connection is getting stronger.. we are almost 3 months in our relationship, and everything is loving and well.
We are planning to take a trip together soon.

still have the occasional peek-moments.. then I break out of it. But its the same pattern. I feel lust (mostly after been together with M and had sex).. and since we live apart and I can just go to her place and have sex with her,,, then I feel lustful being alone.. what to do about it.. peek a bit, just to get aroused.. until my senses kick in and I realise it will sabotage everything.. Thankfully I have not been to any point of masturbating, so i'll continue the streak - but these occasional peeks still annoy me. I am 7 months in, and this month i've peeked like 3-4 times and that is a no-go for me. I dont feel proud of that. Sure I cant take away that I haven't MO to anything of that sort for 7 months, but still.. I would like to take it a step further.

another thing I can see is the occasional peek at instagram. I tend to click on beautiful women and wish for a more beautiful girl. This thought can sabotage my relationship to M for sure!.. That desire to have a 'prettier one'..  Like I need to showcase how pretty of a woman I have,, instead of sticking to all of the original qualities of M which I fell for.. she is amazing as a person, so loving and kind and very beautiful as well. and we have a great time together.. I have never laughed with a girl like that.. she is so funny.  So what is this stupid desire of wanting that instagram model-like barbie thing.... I feel sad that I have felt the need to look at these things, just because me and M only see each other once a week. I know I have a lot of passion and sexual drive, and M is all up for it - but we just dont have enough of it.. and then im left there alone.

I dont know.... Im sticking in there. I might delete my instagram. no actually, I am doing it right now.. fuck it.
...its done. I deleted instagram permanently. "M" is more valuable to me than planting a single seed of a 'prettier one out there' .. pipe dreams as Pete says.

Now I just need to find a solution to the occasional urges. Its not often they come,, and I close it rather quickly - but the habit is kinda still there.
I do keep busy with a lot of gym on a daily and I've started sending out job-applications - hopefully im landing a nice job soon as well.

so yea.. things are slowly progressing.. I could be more proud, but I am not taking away anything. I have attracted love in my life and she genuinely cares for me so I'm happy about that. Next up is landing a nice job - and see what I can do when the urges come.

I will pray after this post, that I can become even stronger and take the next step. I need this for me, and the relationship with M. I dont want to be lonely in my life. I need love and affection from a caring and loving woman, and M is all that - and I dont want to fuck it up.

Pmo-free   .      Nov 23   .      Day 217 (7 months in yahh)
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on November 25, 2019, 04:03:45 PM
still keepin it up. no peeking no nothing since last post. I made some changes to not have my laptop near me when I go to sleep. the issue was I woke up late at night and couldnt sleep.. had a few instances where I peeked and shut it down. It wasn't ok, as my goal was not to have a minute of peeking. I didn't hit that goal, but okej.. I shut it down and became aware of the situation, and made the sufficient changes. I will get there eventually.

was with M the last couple of days and its going really good. We will be together for 3 months in next week, and we have a great relationship.

and today was my first day at a job-interview...    damn, its been 7 months ,, kinda makes me sad of 'wasting' life. but hey.. gotta look ahead and go forward strong from here. no point in looking back and making myself miserable. Good things I have a beautiful and loving girl in my life, and i fixed my CV and stuff and sending applications.. and will hopefully land a job any time soon. That will surely improve my overall life situation, as I can begin saving up money and such.

Pmo-free   .      Nov 25   .      Day 219
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: zazen on January 02, 2020, 03:42:53 AM
All is well. Was with M on new years eve, where we drove 6 hours together to visit her family. I was a bit worried if I would get anxiety attacks or something (if I'd feel uncomfortable being with a new family where I could get judged and so) - but everything went just perfect.. all was nice and I had a great new years with my girlfriend.
I am really happy that I am in a steady and growing relationship .. its been soo long time since i've had a girl past 3 months... and this time, its with no difficulties at all.. no drama, no headaches, no games no nothing.. we align and balance each other so well. I am sure there will be things coming up, but the last 4 months, its been great!

In regards to P.. I can say there is zero peeking or not a single thought of it, when I am with M. When Im with here, she is my focus at all times..
When I go home, i've have some days where I peeked and then I shut it down after some time. I wont count that as resetting my counter.. no need to be that hard on myself.. but I will reset it if, it should ever get to the point of ejaculation happens. Never been that close but yeah.. just putting it out there.

however, my goal for 2020 is keeping busy so much, that P wont be a thought in my head at all. I will be draining myself with education, work and family.

so all in all, things are doing well. Not satisfied with my current job / finance situation right now. so im taking action to fix this. please cross your fingers for me)

wish you a great 2020!

Pmo-free   .      Jan 02   .      Day 257
Title: Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
Post by: Pete McVries on January 02, 2020, 08:12:58 AM
I'm very happy for you, Zazen!

Happy new year to you! You've come a long way and made grand strides. Keep it up!

I hope you get that peeking under control in the long run. It's unnecessary playing with fire and it keeps the addiction alive and puts your health at risk.