Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: jixu on March 24, 2019, 04:23:19 PM

Title: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on March 24, 2019, 04:23:19 PM
 
   Two weeks or so into the forum now-came here by the "must read" Your Brain on Porn.

    50 years plus old, never a daily user but more of the sporadic use while looking for relief from work stress.  Although I never did web cams, escorts, strip clubs etc the plain old vanilla stuff was more than sufficient to push me into discouragement, shame, and defeat. 

    At first I just focused on stress reduction, but, in this life, that is a losing battle.  Stress is going to come no matter what we do; the key is properly handling the stress.  We all know one way that doesn't work, the reason we are here.  I have recently seen the great power that encouragement can bring, and that is why this forum is so helpful to us.

    As a practical matter, I have found having an accountability partner to be a big help.  it doesn't have to be some 2 hour meet-up at Denny's; just a simple weekly report or staying in touch is helpful.  However, beware-I have previously lied to my AP, and it is no guarantee to help you if you don't use honesty and commitment. 

    No more heading to the cheating side of town.  You can't hide your Lyin' Eyes.

     Best wishes to all the fighters and warriors out there.  If you have recently stumbled, get back up.  if you are doing strong and great-keep on keeping on. It is an honor to be in your midst.   
     

Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on April 07, 2019, 07:30:27 AM
Day 25 clean

Was able to handle a couple of bad stress days from work.  This battle is so worth it in so many ways.  Stay strong everybody!

If you have recently stumbled, get back up today-now!   
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on April 07, 2019, 10:20:02 AM
Good work Jixu. Being able to cope with with those stressful days in other ways than PMO is a good victory. Keep at it!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on April 07, 2019, 06:21:36 PM
BigMog, you are so right about stress!  Thanks for the encouragement !
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 08, 2019, 03:56:23 AM
25 days and counting. That's great progress. Reads like you have your foundations set up really well. Good luck and stay strong. You can do it.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Pete McVries on April 10, 2019, 09:56:00 AM
25 days is huge but it will even get better. Stick to the game plan and keep racking up those days!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: cranm329 on April 10, 2019, 02:44:41 PM
Well done going 25 days
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on April 10, 2019, 06:08:48 PM
Thanks for the encouragement WIP, Pete, and Cranm.  Keep going strong you guys!   
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on April 17, 2019, 07:17:51 AM

Day 35 clean

Doing pretty decent most of the time but am battling an old enemy of mine-procrastination.  I am good at tackling the big stuff but tend to let a bunch of little things pile up and then I can get discouraged by it.  Need to hit the ground running in the morning instead of dallying around.  In other words, some of the personal and employment stress I encounter is self-induced!  How dumb is that ? Anyway, the over-all fight is progressing ok and the battle is worth it !       
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Pete McVries on April 21, 2019, 07:05:42 AM
Nice to hear, you're staying strong. Remember, don't try to tackle all problems at once. Small steps and build from there! Take care!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on May 02, 2019, 07:29:32 AM

Day 50 clean

Spending some time re-watching the "Your brain on porn" video that is so conveniently linked on the home page.  Good to keep in mind all facets of this battle.     
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on May 21, 2019, 04:45:46 PM
Hi jixu, how are you doing?-haven't heard from you for a while.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on May 26, 2019, 07:06:21 AM
 75 Day Clean

Attended a couple of wonderful social functions last week.  Prior to attending the functions I kind of dreaded it but they turned out to be great. It is nice to be clean and clear and it seems likes it makes the interactions a lot less stressful and much more meaningful.  It also reinforced the notion that it is good to break the daily routine and shake things up a bit once in awhile.  It is easy to get trapped into thinking that nothing exists except work or study or whatever the daily toil involves.   

BigMog, thanks for your post and the encouragement that you give to us here on this forum.

Keep fighting warriors!

 
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: idunno on May 26, 2019, 06:10:53 PM
I've been finding socializing more rewarding, too. Less stressful, less worried that I'm going to let something slip. Also, fewer porn-related intrusions in the back of my own mind during conversations, etc. Easier to focus, to laugh. Your post reminded me of that.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on June 05, 2019, 09:20:19 AM
Yikes, 85 days or so clean and the last two days have been the hardest for urges! Today I caught myself deceiving myself trying to prepare to pre-peek some peeking, if you know what I mean.  Thought I would come on here and type it out of the system.  Feel better already!  What tricky brains we have.

Thanks idunno for your comments and good example! I think social expansion and interaction are big-time necessary in this journey! 
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Lero on June 05, 2019, 01:07:16 PM
Wow, man, 85 days! Outstanding progress!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on June 06, 2019, 02:48:49 PM
Well done Jixu. Congrats on 85 Days and on defeating the urges yesterday.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on June 06, 2019, 03:36:54 PM
Thanks for the encouragement BigMog !  It is crazy the way the urges can seemingly come out of nowhere fast.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: ArthurMorgan on June 08, 2019, 09:43:37 AM
Good luck brother. Keep going. I've just passed 100 days. Urges are ok for me, just trying to repair myself physically is the issue.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on June 11, 2019, 11:19:08 AM
  90 Day Clean     ......but this post is not about me.....

The forum is littered with jaded journals and dead threads all over the place, and I think I know part of the reason for this-people are too embarrassed to come back after lapsing, people are too afraid they are letting other people down if they admit a stumble after having seemingly figured the whole thing out.   

To anyone who started fine and crashed a bit, I would like to say first of all, join the club-you are not the first and wont be the last. Second, you need to get back and start again.  In doing so, you owe no explanation to anyone (if you want to provide one, then fine-but you don't owe it to anyone).  I've seen guys come back from being gone many months with entries like "Day 1, feeling good, worked out today" etc. with no comment on the absence and so forth; that is great in my opinion.  You owe no explanation but you owe it to yourself to get back.  It shows courage and will inspire others. 

I am doing great right now but who knows what I'll be 30 days from now?  We have to support each other and be real people.  Ok everybody, let's get back to work!!       

Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on June 11, 2019, 03:56:01 PM
Hey Jixu, very well done on the 90 Days. Keep it going!

.
and I think I know part of the reason for this-people are too embarrassed to come back after lapsing, people are too afraid they are letting other people down if they admit a stumble


Good observation, yes that’s me! I don’t think I was under the impression I had it all worked out but my latest run of lapses is longer than I anticipated and yes I do feel embarrassed. I will post again in my own thread and like you I encourage others in my position to do the same and stay with the process.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: ArthurMorgan on June 12, 2019, 12:09:43 PM
I relapsed after 90 days but I'm back on it, restarted again and now I'm 105 days in, we just crack on, and keep going, good luck everyone
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Jbow on June 16, 2019, 09:01:27 AM
jixu, you are doing great.  I was reading your observations,  and you sound like an old pro at rebooting.  I've been here a long time and I fallen more times than I care to count. the important thing is that we always get back up and keep moving forward. I'm afraid the temptation will ALWAYS be there, we just need to figure out how to work around them. just last night I was in bed and a bunch of crap went through my mind,  and if I wasnt committed to getting better, I'd still be in bed surfing the waves of desire.  stay strong and I want to thank you for your support you have given me on my journal. I have a saying I learned several years ago, IN THE BEGINNING,  ALWAYS THINK OF THE END. I know that's kind of random, but when I get the urge to look at that crap I've relied on for 3 plus decades, that saying helps me a lot.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on June 16, 2019, 10:40:42 AM
Thanks JBOW for your encouraging words and the wise articulation of the battle we face.  You are right-we have to keep moving forward, no matter what.  The urges like you mentioned are not only daily but often hourly, and that is why to me everybody is really in some way at Day 1- we all have to make it through today, regardless of what the length of our "streak" might be.   Thinking of the end, thanks again! 
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: workinprogressUK on June 17, 2019, 07:01:39 AM
You're absolutely right, jixu. Every day is like day-1. No reason to think we won't continue to get cravings and temptations, having swamped our brains with P for som many years. I walked into my home office this morning and i got a pin-prick fast message in my head that it would be good to look at P instead of working today. I still get them most days and whenever I have to do something that I don't want to. I think I'm going to continue to get those little "zaps" from my "automatic brain" for a long time to come. We all start fresh every day.

Great to see you continuing to make progress. Wishing you strength.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on July 10, 2019, 08:07:59 PM
120 Day Clean

No matter what stage you are at, even if you are 5 minutes clean, make a new commitment today-now-and keep going.  Do not give up.

Will be out for awhile-take care!   
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: allforone on July 10, 2019, 09:23:32 PM
Great job 120 days! Keep going! I am running just behind you in this journey. Lets do it together!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on July 13, 2019, 07:16:49 AM
Thanks for the encouragement allforone and wip.  Best wishes and keep going-it is worth it!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on July 15, 2019, 03:02:41 AM
120 Days. Nice work Jixu. Thanks for continuing to post. It helps the rest of us to see that someone else has managed to make so much progress.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: workinprogressUK on July 15, 2019, 03:29:29 AM
No matter what stage you are at, even if you are 5 minutes clean, make a new commitment today-now-and keep going.  Do not give up.

 :D Love that!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on July 24, 2019, 06:37:39 AM
133 Day Clean

Dealing with what seems like a series of never ending stress-laden work days!  Getting sustenance, stability, and direction from the Psalms.  Stress is just part of the deal and we must engage it without resorting to temporary false comfort relievers like porn.

Let's all have a clean day today-take care! 
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on August 08, 2019, 12:51:31 PM
I am more or less at 150 days clean.  Based on reading about others, and based on my own experiences, I have discovered a couple of things.

The first item is stumbling.  When we stumble, we have to remember to exercise proportionality.  Don't make light of it, but don't get devastated by it either. Of course, learn what we can from it, but the battle is all about today, right now; we have to continue moving forward. 

Another observation is that we have to deploy preparation and intentionality.  We have to prepare our minds for what we will do when the situation or scenario arises. If we don't firmly resolve to look away ahead of time we will be lost when we are in the midst of the trigger.    For example, when we go to check the score from last night's ballgame, we know ahead of time that stuff can come up from the side, such as "top 10 hottest wives of the players" or whatever.  We can not always avoid this type of stuff, but we have to have told ourselves ahead of time that we wont go for it.  I guess it really comes down to intentionality-what am I really pursuing at this gym, library, web site, etc.  We have to be honest about it and watch out for self-deception.

The porn site does not care about your streak; whether it is 3 days or 3 years, we will be most readily welcomed to visit.  That is why I have come to the conclusion that it is really day 1 for us all-and today we will be clean!

Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Lero on August 08, 2019, 12:55:27 PM
Another observation is that we have to deploy preparation and intentionality.  We have to prepare our minds for what we will do when the situation or scenario arises. If we don't firmly resolve to look away ahead of time we will be lost when we are in the midst of the trigger.    For example, when we go to check the score from last night's ballgame, we know ahead of time that stuff can come up from the side, such as "top 10 hottest wives of the players" or whatever.  We can not always avoid this type of stuff, but we have to have told ourselves ahead of time that we wont go for it.  I guess it really comes down to intentionality-what am I really pursuing at this gym, library, web site, etc.  We have to be honest about it and watch out for self-deception.

I definitely subscribe to this idea. Maybe I've been doing something like this too. In my case, it manifests like a disgust for porn and anything related. When I see stuff like that, I feel that disgust and say: "No, get the fuck out of my face! I know what you're trying to do but I'm done with this. I've other business here, not to fucking click on you!" Creating this mentality is a very powerful too. "I will check some websites cause I need to find out something but, if something pops up, I don't give a fuck."
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: hope2reboot on August 10, 2019, 03:36:48 PM
Yeah definitely agree! We gotta hate this crap for what it really is. Soul and joy destroying lies. Wants nothing but to destroy us and ruin our lives. Congrats jixu on the 150. I agree everyday is like day one and the more day ones we can put together back to back the more our minds will heal up.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: idunno on August 15, 2019, 12:25:21 PM
Good job jixu. I like your thoughts on intentionality. The same goes for me with women I see around. Just yesterday, dropping off at school. I realized my attention was "over there," towards a certain woman who I've often wanted to leer at. I then asked myself -- of all the 360 degrees of places to direct my attention, why am I lingering over there? I was able to cut it off at that point. Then I try to just move on, not beat myself up over the strong urge to stare. Anyway, happy to be progressing with you and all the other folks here.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on August 15, 2019, 05:38:08 PM
Lero and Hope2, thanks for the comments and encouragement!

idunno, that is something, isn't it?  Just being away from the screen does not guarantee a smooth ride-potential triggers are basically everywhere!  Let us continue to resolve in our minds what we will do beforehand! 
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: BigMog on August 18, 2019, 09:29:23 AM
Well done Jixu,
Yes I agree with your comments about intentionality. When I’ve been clean for a while I kind of forget I’m in this battle so get caught out by triggers. I guess I need to constantly be preparing and reminding myself of what I’m going to do in any triggering situation.
Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on August 18, 2019, 01:02:51 PM
BigMog, thanks for the encouragement.  You are so right-sometimes we can stumble even when things are going pretty well and we let our guard down.  What a crazy battle!
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Lero on August 18, 2019, 02:05:02 PM
BigMog, thanks for the encouragement.  You are so right-sometimes we can stumble even when things are going pretty well and we let our guard down.  What a crazy battle!

There is a big risk for this when things are going well because of letting the guard down. "I can handle it now, no problem". We have to be careful.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on September 05, 2019, 05:31:56 AM
  175 day recap, includes a stumble

I have been here for about 6 months now and have been encouraged by the brute honesty and dedication of people here improving their lives.  On day 173 I had a 2 minute "session" so to speak and a 1 minute session the following day.  So, I had 3 minutes out of 175 days.  That is good on paper, but, while the goal is reduction, the real goal for me is complete eradication.  I feel more disappointed in myself as opposed to despondent-what a knucklehead !

The days pass quickly once you get going.  However, I have always viewed the days as simply being yesterday, today, and tomorrow-those are the only three that really matter.   

It is all about the thought life-where does your mind go at rest?  This is the key, and being off-screen does not guarantee victory (but it sure helps).  My stumble was precipitated by playing around, by "dwelling" on perfectly harmless material, even just something like a small facial picture of someone or a "concentrated glance" at a stranger on the street. Viewing is one thing, but dwelling and letting the mind run wild is another.

Ok, enough talk-back to the fight.  Regardless of our streaks, let's be clean today everybody.



 

   



Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Iloveicecream on September 05, 2019, 08:10:39 AM
your Performance is very impressive.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: Free-man on September 05, 2019, 09:44:54 AM
triggers are very difficult to fix, I think they always going stay there hide at moments, but waiting…
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: workinprogressUK on September 06, 2019, 07:22:06 AM
Great work. I'm inspired by your success. Your insights and experiences make for interesting reading, too.
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on September 08, 2019, 04:25:48 PM
Ice, thanks for the kind words, and Free, that is a good reminder about triggers.

WIP, I was very encouraged by your comment.  Thanks, and thanks as well for your steadfast support and encouragement to the Forum as a whole.

If any of you have recently stumbled, as I did recently, the only option is to get back on track again.  Stay in the battle, no matter what.

4 Day Clean
Title: Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
Post by: jixu on September 12, 2019, 07:48:41 PM
Had a great run today-it is often the best part of the day!  Like many others have noted, some form of an exercise regimen is a great addition to the over-all stride of life improvement.  Walking is fine as well; running and walking are free and they get one outdoors. 

Lots of triggers all around the last few days-no matter what we do an ambush is right around the corner.

8 Day Clean