Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: MosesY on March 11, 2019, 04:20:51 PM

Title: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 11, 2019, 04:20:51 PM
I was born Amish and raised very strict. My parents left the Amish when I was young and I was raised in a Beachy Amish church. I discovered porn at my cousin's house when I was 13 years old and have been addicted to it ever since. I was married, divorced now, and have 2 daughters ages 26 and 22. i watched a video that listed some of the symptoms, social anxiety, depression, and loss of will power and I suffer from all of those. I have never experienced ED but most porn nowadays doesn't turn me on. Porn has negatively affected my life financially as well. This is day 1 of a porn free life and I hope to update this journal daily.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: cranm329 on March 12, 2019, 06:03:23 PM
Wishing you every success, Moses. Hope that your Amish heritage has some positive features that can help you.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 13, 2019, 01:22:08 AM
Good luck, brother! We’re always here for you if you want to talk about your process along the reboot and rewire journey. Glad to see you are moving forward with your life.

cheers,
40
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: MosesY on March 13, 2019, 02:50:25 AM
Day 3, it will not be hard to resist porn until the weekend. On Friday I will have money in the bank, a dopamine withdrawal, and be spending the weekend by myself again. I get a little drunk and all logic goes down the tubes. We will see how it goes, I will probably be able to resist unless something triggers me. My goal right now is to reach 90 days on my counter. RIght now it is at 3 days and 3:49:21
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 13, 2019, 08:54:56 AM
Hopefully 3 days and a few more hours/minutes now  :)
Hang-in there. Are you getting much study done on ways to minimise your risk, avoid triggers and find ways to resist? It sounds like you're "white-knuckling" your way through it currently, which might be tough to maintain.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 13, 2019, 12:03:59 PM
Just remember getting drunk is an avoidance behavior as well. If getting drunk is going to ruin your reboot, just stop that too for a while. If being alone is a trigger, see if you can line up things to do with others thst doesn’t involve drinking.

The reeboot/rewire should take priority over every other thing in your life if you want it to work. There’s many ways to go about it but i would eliminate everything that is going to contribute to your falling off and relapsing.

Cold Turkey Hard Mode Reboot: avoid all forms of Artificial Hyper Stimulation and face the music. I consider drinking a form of artificial hyper stimulation. I consider sugary foods Artificial Hyperstimulation.

Take your time alone to sit with your actual real feelings of discomort and pain and open yourself up to experiencing them without running away or reaching for your escape behaviors. The battle is between you and your feelings of discomfort, boredom and pain. This is the real honesty of the rebooting lesson.

Until we can face our edgy uncomfortable feelings, learn to accept tham and work through them, without diving into our escape brhaviors, like drinking and PMO... how can any of us expect to make any progress at all. It takes real nuggets to sit down and face what that powerful long-term conditioning has done to us.

Think of the feelings and craving from your pMO habit as a bad hangover from artificialy hyperstimulating your neurochemicals in your brain. Now your addicted and hungover from all that drug abuse and you hsve to make a comeback and show up for work. This is hard like that, but doable.

have a great day!
40

Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: MosesY on March 14, 2019, 12:28:56 AM
I am 1:09:03 into the fourth day. Getting drunk for me is not an escape, it is something to do. I have a hobby, I collect lanterns, but tearing into one of those takes time and money. I think the only way to examine my triggers is if I fail and succumb to PMO then examine why I did. I have never done that, I have never seriously tried to quit before. The counter on my phone makes a huge difference. This website makes a huge difference, sharing my quit story publicly and getting support from other people. My social anxiety prevents me from going out and doing things. All my life people have made fun of my name and it is just hard to go out and face that. I go by Mose normally, people also call me Moe, but they find out my name is Moses and immediately ask if I can part the water for them. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me that I would take that money and rebuild the Roman empire. I have just isolated myself because of it. On a cam site I am anonymous and when the women ask my name and I tell them they respect it because they want me to give them money. Those women will do anything for a dime and they will tell me I am handsome, virile, and strong in return. I suffered extreme abuse as a child, my dad told me constantly that I was a worthless piece of crap that would never amount to anything and to have a woman pay attention to me and react to me is a huge ego boost.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 14, 2019, 12:45:28 AM
That was then and this is now.
We all dig up any reason we can find to fail so we can keep enjoying the intoxication of being addicted to our precious high. It sounds like you prefer being intoxicated, wallowing in self-pity, living in the past and failing, so I don’t want to waste anymore time on this conversation. It’s pointless.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: MosesY on March 14, 2019, 02:23:58 AM
That was then and this is now.
We all dig up any reason we can find to fail so we can keep enjoying the intoxication of being addicted to our precious high. It sounds like you prefer being intoxicated, wallowing in self-pity, living in the past and failing, so I don’t want to waste anymore time on this conversation. It’s pointless.

We will see how it goes. I am on day 4 and have never failed. I thought this site would be for support and encouragement but I see it is not, there are terrible people everywhere who will try to knock you down, keep you down, kick you while you are down, and stab you in the back. I am going to quote this conversation again on day 90 of freedom from porn. In spite of you, I will beat this habit.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: cranm329 on March 14, 2019, 06:54:25 AM
You are right to aim for the 90 day target and to prove to 'them' and yourself that you have the strength to see it through.
From my limited experience, there are no bad people on this forum. I guess that despite our different ways, histories and lifestyles we are all in the same boat. Real opportunity to give and get help and move on from past pain.
Incidentally, my real name is Old Testament too and I have had people make fun of it. Now I see it as an honour to be named after someone who was a hero in his way. Your namesake went through horrendous experiences and abuse. But you live now and that's what matters. We're with you on the journey (exodus if you like?)
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 14, 2019, 09:31:07 AM


We will see how it goes. I am on day 4 and have never failed. I thought this site would be for support and encouragement but I see it is not, there are terrible people everywhere who will try to knock you down, keep you down, kick you while you are down, and stab you in the back. I am going to quote this conversation again on day 90 of freedom from porn. In spite of you, I will beat this habit.
[/quote]

Good for you, M. 4 days of the new you and growing in strength with every day you resist. I'm surprised that you've been on the receiving end of some negativity. The place is broadly supportive but I guess given the specific demographic of people using the site, there will be differences of approach and people will have good days and bad days. This is YOUR recovery and nobody else's. I'm wishing you every success and I'm sure most people are. You're as worthy of respect and acceptance as any of us.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: MosesY on March 15, 2019, 01:53:44 PM
I am on the 5th day at 14:32:09. This weekend will be a test. I have not looked at a cam girl site or any other porn now since last Sunday. I have money in the bank again and by pushing a few simple buttons I could go there. I have a Chromebook and most blockers will not work on that. Block Site works but all I have to do is uninstall it and it is open again. I do not have any friends to talk to right now, with my alcohol and porn use I have totally isolated myself. However I think I will be able to resist because I am watching the counter on my phone and I am keeping an honest diary; if I fail I will have to post that here and restart my counter. My goal for right now is 90 days without porn. I am drinking a beer right now, will switch to Evan Williams bourbon when that is gone and plan on having a nice buzz going before the evening is over. If alcohol ends up being a factor in my downfall I will quit that as well. I worked 10 hour days this week and will work a half day tomorrow so next Friday I will have several hundred dollars of excess money. If I resist this weekend I plan on rewarding myself with a very nice dinner next weekend, either an atlantic salmon filet or a nice porterhouse with roasted potatoes and asparagus. Since my divorce I have become a very good cook, it is hard for me to go to a restaurant because their food is so cheap. I am wishing the best for myself.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: cranm329 on March 15, 2019, 03:55:51 PM
Well done. Every second of abstinence is a victory. Hope this helps you...ignore it if it doesn't but one fact that helped me to stop going on cam sites was that the 'performers' often didn't look happy and were either desperate for money or under the control of the money collectors. I have heard that organised crime permeates a lot of what we 'innocently' watch on line. Please do not take this as a criticism or condemnation...I have been on similar sites too and have moved on from the guilt and regret.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: MosesY on March 16, 2019, 03:19:55 AM
Day 6. I had zero temptation to look at porn last night. I only drank 2 beers and a double of bourbon, not enough to get drunk. Being free from porn means I am not overdrafting my bank account this week. I paid $200 worth of bills, yesterday, bought my vape juice and groceries and a case of Coors Light 12 oz bottles. I still have money left for gas and will have about $70 left over. My normal routine is to get a little buzzed and then take that extra money and say "Just $20 on porn" and end up spending several hundred before I know what happened. This weekend will be different. I am mad enough at myself for being so stupid that I really want to quit now.
Title: Re: Moses' Journal
Post by: BigMog on March 16, 2019, 10:25:39 AM
Good work Moses. Nice idea to plan a treat meal as an extra reward too. Keep strong!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on March 16, 2019, 11:59:17 AM
Positive focused anger can be a good thing when dealing with addiction. Advise talk it out rather than (like I do) keep it internal and then get depressed and try to self sooth. All the best for this day of your journey.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 16, 2019, 12:14:33 PM
I am on day 6 at 13:04:52. I bought a bottle of Crown Royal Black label today so I do not have any money left to mess around with cam sites. I think I will set up a separate bank account at a different bank to put money in savings and give my brother the debit card. I could pay all my bills, buy groceries and gas, and then put all except $10 in that account so I do not have money for cam girls. At any rate I am planning on grilling some bratwurst tomorrow if I stay porn free today and enjoying a good meal. This week I was overdrafted $200 on my bank account. Next weekend will be very different.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 17, 2019, 12:25:15 AM
Today is day 7 at 1:22:40. I am a little tempted to look at porn but it is easy to resist. I think I will make it my mission in life to help men overcome their addiction to porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on March 17, 2019, 11:22:20 AM
That would be a great mission. You have already helped me with some new insights. Well done and all the best for your second week.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 18, 2019, 05:42:25 AM
Sunday morning I relapsed some so I am restarting my counter. I am on the second day at 1:01:41. Reasons why I relapsed; I was up early with nothing to do, money in the bank, and now that I am trying not to look at porn it is constantly on my mind. I took a day of vacation today to work on this. Sunday morning I looked at some P but no M or O. I did not overdraft my bank account for the first time in a month. Very little dopamine in my brain, I am in dopamine withdrawal. A  big trigger for me is having money in the bank or credit on my credit cards. I am going to talk to my brother about this. I am hoping he will agree to be an accountability partner. I plan on paying my bills and then buying my groceries and gas and using PayPal to send the rest of my money to him. I am going to ask him to open a bank account for me, so if I need money I have to ask him to paypal it back to me and I can then deposit it in my bank account and spend it for whatever I need. Because of my porn use I suffer from no willpower, low self esteem, and social anxiety, all things that I want to change. I am also seeing a therapist about this and will talk to her about my journey. I am going to spend the day doing some cooking and reading "Killing Kryptonite".
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 18, 2019, 06:45:32 AM
Hey Moses. You slipped-up. We've probably all slipped-up at some point. I have on many occasions. You're back and fighting, which is all you can do. One thing I wonder, my friend.... you used to spend a lot of time preoccupied by P and consuming it. Now you don't. There's a big hole left, which you don't yet appear to be filling with anything positive and developmental. It just looks like you're focusing on not using P and to managing your finances. Most people on here (and a lot of scientific research) would suggest that you need to find positive things to do with your new free time, or something else negative (P, alcohol, gambling.... whatever) will fill the gap. What could you do to help yourself, Moses? Re-engage with friends? Study? Exercise? Spirituality? Just a thought.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 18, 2019, 01:33:33 PM
I have social anxiety because people make fun of me. Grown adult people make me the butt of jokes. I am bald and smaller than most men, I am 6' tall and weigh less than 200 pounds so men seem to think it is their right to make fun of me. I walked into a group meeting one time and one of the guys said "Oh great, another 40 years of wandering in the wilderness." This is why I don't socialize. It is so bad that my therapist has set a goal for me of one social event every two weeks. My niece will be here this weekend and we are all getting together at a restaurant Saturday evening, that will be my social event for these two weeks. So what to do with that free time? Not watching porn any more, what to do? I found a chess app, I have decided to get back into chess and play chess. My roommate stole my regulation chess set, I am going to buy another when I get paid on Friday, from Amazon. I used to play chess a lot, am moderately good at it, and whenever I am tempted to go to porn I will turn to chess.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 19, 2019, 02:48:46 AM
This is the second week of not looking at porn with one small relapse. I am on day 2 at 22:19:43 free from any porn. Last night I had some erotic dreams and awoke with an erection, hasn't happened to me in years. I hope that being free from porn will reduce my social anxiety, that is my goal. It will also give me excess money to spend on fun things, like going to dinner with my siblings, food treats such as steak or salmon, and things I want such as a new tripod for my phone and a chess set.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 19, 2019, 05:03:46 AM
I spent some time this morning researching how to block porn on the Chromebook. I am also installing Ever Accountable that will send a list of the websites I view to my brother. There is a fee of $6.99 per month for that, money well spent.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 19, 2019, 05:47:48 AM
I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 19, 2019, 06:36:56 AM
 A video on approval from others


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPgxlT_XM2k
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 19, 2019, 03:41:10 PM
Brother, You may think I am mean and awful, and maybe I am.. But I call ‘em as I see ‘em. I was brutally honest with you and forgive me for my lack of sensitivity and tact.

Having said that, I do read your journal and I am keeping track of you, as I am all the active 40+ journalists. I am interested in you and your progress. I feel your pain and yet, I have to recoil in my own out of a lack of ability to deal with life sonetimes. This stuff is difficult. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

Having said that, I feel I’ve come to understand you much more deeply since our first haphazard introduction. I want to be helpful. I didn’t understand about your hypersensitivity to others words and perceptions before.

I don’t know how much any if this means but I know what you’re going through. I’m going through it myself. I hope you understand I meant what I said but honestly not the way I said it. I want to help you see what you are not seeing, just as I want you to help me see  all I’ve gone blind to.

If it’s of any consequence, you were so present in my mind, for some reason, the whole time as I made my day 17 journal entry. As, “If I could only help Mose understand these little things. I bet it would help him.” And I wrote it mostly to help myself, you know, but I want you to know, I think we can get through this just fine if we’re able to focus on the right things. I hope you understand.

cheers,
40
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 20, 2019, 01:59:36 AM
I appreciate that 40-yearsonvideoporn. I am on the third day at 21:26:31, almost 4 days. I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" that is good if you are a Christian. It is based on Biblical community and the importance of keeping the community free from sin. My social anxiety, the shame of my porn addiction, has been so bad that I have not gone to church for a while. My church is starting a series called "Better Together" that talks about how we are stronger as a body together than isolated by ourselves. I plan on attending those services and hopefully make a regular habit of going to church again. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon and plan on sharing my attempt to overcome the porn addiction and talk about it.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 20, 2019, 03:45:21 AM
I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me. I turn to cam women for approval, not for pleasure. The approval releases chemicals into my brain that in the short term make me feel good about myself. It is the downer afterwards that makes me feel bad. I believe sex is a sacred thing that should be kept between two people privately, not sold for money. This is the struggle; the rush of a neurochemical high from approval versus the ugliness of fake sex. Dopamine basically has trained me to know that I will temporarily feel good about myself if I feed tokens into the computer. There is nothing in my brain that teaches me that over the long term I will be happier and feel better about myself if I don't participate in fake sex other than my own common sense. Thus is the struggle; the extreme good feeling of a neurochemical high causing me to feel good about myself versus common sense telling me I will feel better porn free.

My father was very abusive but with help from therapy I have forgiven him for that. I understand now that he was a bully and he was like that because of his own insecurities. i have totally forgiven him for that and I understand there was something wrong with him that never got fixed and that is why he treated me like that. It is not because there was something wrong with me, a huge revelation to me when I figured that out. However I still suffer from low self esteem because I went for 50 years thinking I was inferior to other people. I expect it will take 5 years of therapy to change this. To look at interactions with people positively, to see the good in myself.

Several things I am doing to increase my self esteem. One, I am going to therapy where the goal is to change the way I think. Two, I have set a simple goal of 90 days free from porn. To achieve that goal will be a huge ego boost, I have never done that before in over 30 years of looking at porn. Three, I am playing chess on the computer. I have it set to a level that I can win occasionally and when I do win it is a very good feeling. Four, I am going to make myself socialize more. I am planning on getting together with family Saturday evening and going to church Sunday morning.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Rex on March 20, 2019, 07:46:37 AM
I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI

MosesY,

You are doing an excellent job of peeling away the onion of your addiction, this is a big step in the recovery process.  I found the same thing in my recovery, when the world around me caused hurt and pain I used PMO as an escape, a way of soothing the hurts and pains of life or not having the approval of others.  The YouTube video that you posted is excellent. 

One thing I have found that helped me immensely in my recovery is the fact that God loves us unconditionally and when I fully began to realize and truly believed it, the PMO temptations and other distractions really didn't matter anymore.  It doesn't matter what others think as long as I am doing my best to serve God, nothing else really matters.  I have noticed this change in thinking has also provided me with other blessings and grace from God that I never expected.

Keep up the great work, you are doing well!  You are going to win this war against PMO!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 20, 2019, 10:27:14 AM
I appreciate the comments and advice. I take all of those comments to heart and it makes a tremendous difference in my journey.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 20, 2019, 10:50:08 AM
I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me.

The author of your article, David Ley, is best known for his book "Ethical Porn for Dicks; A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure", described by his publisher as an "accessible, funny, and well-informed book. It is the first one to offer men a nonjudgmental way to discover how to view and use pornography responsibly".

Not everything he writes in the article is bullshit. Dopamine isn't pure evil. But the conclusions he's asking readers to buy-into aren't ones I think are constructive. 
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 20, 2019, 12:10:10 PM
Mose, Have you read Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson, yet? Man, if not, that is THEE book that every man trying to quit porn NEEDS to read. There is no better information out, then that. He’s the guy whose made the real breakthroughs and is the leading authority on breaking porn addiction.

You can download it for $5.99 USD, from YourBrainOnPorn.com
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 20, 2019, 12:30:57 PM
I will get that book on Friday and will read it as soon as I finish the book I am reading now. As a side note I have decided to quit drinking alcohol as well.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 22, 2019, 12:45:14 AM
Today is my 5th day at 19:49:22. I am about to have a huge check deposited in my bank account which will create a strong temptation to visit cam site this weekend. Things I am doing to reduce the temptation; 1) I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" 2) I am buying the Kindle version of "Your Brain on Porn" today from Amazon, my next book to read. 3) I am paying next months rent out of this check so that a lot of my money is already spent. 4) I quit drinking alcohol. I do not have any in the house and will not buy any this weekend. I am starting both "AA" meetings and "Celebrate Recovery" meetings as soon as possible. 5) I have a social event Saturday evening with my family where there will not be any alcohol and I will get a dopamine charge from seeing old friends and family. 6) Early Sunday morning is the worst time for me I have found. Normally I am up and around at 1 or 2 am with nothing to do. This Sunday morning I plan on playing good music whil reading my book and then attending church at 8:30 am. 7) I am paying my bills and getting groceries and gas then transferring the rest of my money to a harder to access savings account. My main savings account links to my debit card but I have other savings accounts that don't. I can only transfer money electronically I think 6 times per month so if I transfer it once and then transfer it back that is already 2 of my transactions, giving me pause. 8 ) I have installed "Block Site" on my Chromebook and synched it to my phone and protected it with a password that I can't remember. I can have the password emailed to me but if I have to transfer money, get the password, then uninstall the app it gives me 3 pauses to consider what I am doing. 9) If I avoid porn until noon Sunday I am going to reward myself by going to a nice cigar shop here in town and buying a good cigar then treating myself to a Big Mac at McDonalds (I rarely eat junk food) and smoking the cigar afterwards.

Normal porn just doesn't do it for me, it is all so fake that it turns me off actually. My only temptations is cam site where I actually have to spend money to get a dopamine rush. I guess I am a hard core addict.

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: BigMog on March 22, 2019, 03:54:23 AM
Well done Moses. Having a plan and goals, especially to deal with the times when you know you may be vulnerable is really sensible-it took me a long time to learn. (I know I still have plenty to learn).
 Connecting with friends and family is great too, connecting in the real world with real people instead of pixels or cam girls must be good for us in so many ways.

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.
Yep, you will win this struggle!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Skins23 on March 22, 2019, 06:04:49 AM
Thanks for sharing your plan.  I like the attention to detail.  You sound good!  Stay strong and reach out as needed. 
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 22, 2019, 01:28:15 PM
You sound great Mose! You’re doing so many things right. Just remember that. You are investing all this energy in the new you and it will pay off.

I tell my daughters to get use to ALWAYS having money svailable that they NEVER spend. That’s their emergency fund, their conforting cushion in life against hard times. And if they never spend it, it will be there when they retire. You should set a goal for say, $200, or $1000 or $10,000 or whatever level your personal numbers operate at right now.

Get used to having that money and think of it as Orange Money, or Blue Money or Red Money, whatever works for you. NEVER spend it and just learn to get comfortable with the idea of always making it grow. Some day later in life, if you have to dip into it to buy yourself simething you need only use part of it along with matched funds you have from paychecks, separate savings or a tax return or something.

it’s your money... but like your dick, you don’t shoot your wad with it.

cheers, m8
You sound solid now!
40
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 22, 2019, 03:13:08 PM
I ended up deciding to take my money out of the bank in cash so I cannot access it online. I paid my bills and bought the book "Your Brain on Porn" and took out everything except $15. I don't remember when Netflix and Hulu charge me and this will prevent it from going overdrawn.

Another big step today, I cut up all my credit cards, wrapped them in wads of toilet paper in two separate halves and threw them in the trash. I may end up setting them on fire.

Because my willpower has been disabled by the porn addiction a big step for me is to disable funding for cam sites. This is why I talk about it.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Skins23 on March 22, 2019, 03:18:34 PM
Makes sense brother man!  Let’s do this one day at a time!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 23, 2019, 01:51:00 AM
I am on the 6th day at 21:03:37. Saturday morning I was up at 1:30 am, it is 2:30 now. In 3 hours I start working an 8 hour day today. I am not tempted to look at porn at all this morning. I think I would be if I had a couple hundred dollars setting in the bank. I have taken such extensive measures to guard my finances that my prefrontal cortex is very focused on not looking at porn. Alcohol inhibits the prefrontal cortex function and basically eliminates common sense.

My niece is visiting this weekend due to a court case concerning child support from an abusive husband. We are all getting together tonight at a Chinese buffet for all you can eat and good times with family and friends. I am actually looking forward to it instead of being nervous about it. I feel good about myself, about all the changes I am making, the support I am getting from you guys and my family. I expect my life to keep getting better.

I guess I shouldn't say I am not tempted to look at porn at all. I still remember that as good times, my brain doesn't change that fast. However my prefrontal cortex is fully functional and connected right now, giving me the common sense to reject that temptation. Alcohol or dwelling on the thought severs the link between the prefrontal cortex and the pleasure center, eliminating inhibition.

I am writing a post on Facebook and then spending the rest of my morning watching "Taken" on Netflix.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on March 23, 2019, 07:36:36 AM
Keep it up, your doing some good work.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 04:31:26 AM
I am on day 7 now at 23:35:11. Almost day 8. I am not tempted to look at porn this morning at all. I have been reading some journals and posted a couple replies and my mind is so focused on doing better for myself and enabling myself to help other people that the temptation to look at porn is almost totally annihilated.

I attended a family function last night a big step considering my porn induced social anxiety. I had so many excuses to stay at home. I had a hard week, I had to work all day, I hardly had energy left to take a shower. I put some CBD oil in my vape mod, calms my mind, and made myself go. I had a great time. My niece is out here in Indiana, she is from Oklahoma, settling a child support case so we all got together at a Chinese buffet. There were about 30 of us. It was a dopamine rush for me. Possibly one of the reasons I do not feel the need for porn this morning. I was able to pay for my niece's meal, I had cash with me, more dopamine. Two weeks ago I would not have had the money for my own meal much less hers because it would all have been spent on cam site. My rent for next month is paid and next week I will have about $150 to put in savings.

 I used to spend about $50 a week on alcohol and $200 on cam site. About a month ago I got my tax return. I paid some bills and bought some stuff I wanted and had $600 left over. I left $150 in savings. I spent about $200 on cam site Thursday night, a little buzzed. On Friday night I got shit faced and spent money on cam site until they rejected my debit card. I woke up Saturday morning and went to buy groceries and my debit card was rejected. I only had $4 left. I did not have money for food to eat. I thought my savings account was intact but the debit card automatically pulls from savings when there is no money in checking. In two days I had spent $596 on cam site and now I had no money for groceries. I had $16 worth of credit on one of my cards and bought frozen dinners to eat that week. I could have eaten porterhouse steak every day of the week for a month. That's when I began looking for help.

I wonder how many men live like this due to porn?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 05:49:01 AM
I have decided to spend the day reading "Your Brain on Porn". I looked at it and now am getting into it.

Here is a quote from the book. ". They saw the gains from consistency without panicking about setbacks, which they now accepted with greater self-compassion."

It is interesting to note that even though I had a small set back last Sunday morning I have looked at less porn in the last two weeks than any two weeks in the 3 years prior to that. The urge to look at it is weakening and I am gaining pleasure in doing other things.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Skins23 on March 24, 2019, 06:36:58 AM
Sounding good Moses!  I need to buy that book.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 06:37:13 AM
I went to the kitchen to do my cooking and the thought occurred to me that I am now past my dangerous Sunday morning time. The wee hours of Sunday morning, the loneliest time of my week. I have gone over a week now without succumbing to the sirens. A very good feeling.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 09:30:16 AM
I am sitting here reading "Your Brain on Porn" and listening to my Spotify "Favorite Favorites" playlist. I was born Amish and very religious so was always taught porn was sin. This was the only reason I wanted to quit porn until now; because it is "sin". This is why I never really tried to quit; it felt good and I wanted it. Now I am learning about the things porn causes; social anxiety, lack of will power, loss of function during real sex, low self esteem, etc. I really want to quit and become a better person.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on March 24, 2019, 10:47:43 AM
You are doing very well, keep it up.  Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.  You'll probably learn about that in your book too.  This too, shall pass.  Your heart will continue to change as well, those old habits will become more and more pointless and disgusting the further you get from them.

Be well my brother in Christ
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 11:52:14 AM
I am reading how sensitization increases when you quit porn. I am pretty sure if I had not planned extensively and taken steps to avoid it I would have given in to porn this morning.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 12:49:33 PM
Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 24, 2019, 04:36:07 PM
Just finished the book "Your Brain on Porn", an incredible experience. First time I have sat and read all day for about 30 years I guess. I would say it is a must read if you are trying to quit porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 24, 2019, 09:43:15 PM
I definitely agree with you on that 100%. It was the real game-changer for me. I’m certain I would just be spinning my wheels right now in frustration if it weren’t for the information in that book. I’ve been trying to quit since I started. I’ve been to high-priced Ph.D. psychologists, 12-step SA groups, clergy. They all prescribed their method and it all failed for me. 30-days was the longest I’ve ever been ablg to go, blindly white-kuckling the whole way only to fail. The frustration drove me insane.

This book has only been out since 2017, I think, so... I don’t believe it was ever possible for me to quit before that, not until I learned the information in that book. I was too far gone. I felt my case was hopeless. That book changed my life. I read it. I understood everything clearly and my whole path was clear. I feel like I was cured right then and I believe time will prove it.

I’m done with porn and now I clearly understand what those feelings are and how to cope with them without relapsing. I never would have got that on my own. Not in a million years. Without Gary Wilson, I never would have figured it all out like this. Amazing book!

Glad you were able to study it and I hope it gives you all the tools you need to fix the issues that drive you to use porn. Watching your progress has been very encouraging for me. Looking forward to a brighter future for both of us!

40
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on March 25, 2019, 08:01:25 AM
Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.
Stay with it, you're making all the right moves and staying focused.  Go Moses Go!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 26, 2019, 03:37:15 AM
Today is day 9 at 23:01:13. I was going to leave my computer off this week but I find I cannot. I am addicted to the internet. I have no temptation to look at porn now so it is okay. I am taking a day of vacation today to get my drivers license straightened out and do a few other things as well. My plan is to get 90 days free from porn and then help other men overcome porn addictions. I am planning on putting together a presentation and then speaking in churches in my area. A list of resources to hand out, etc. The damage that porn is doing to our marriages and relationships is just terrible.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on March 26, 2019, 08:29:12 AM
Sounds like a great plan.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 26, 2019, 10:01:07 AM
To be honest, you sound like a whole new man, Mose. Your resolve is impeccable. You’ve made AMAZING progress. So proud of you! Keep moving forward!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 27, 2019, 05:15:36 AM
I am on the 11th day at 0:34:36. I took another vacation day today, I have 3 weeks worth. I am understanding now how desensitization feels like depression; nothing feels good, lack of will power. I know that will come back in 3-6 months but for right now it is hard to deal with life. I wrote a long post on a suicide forum I frequent (I am bipolar) about the link between porn addiction and suicide. I am spending the rest of the day mostly watching "Taken" on Netflix but I am also checking on my driver's license status and will probably call down to Indianapolis again today if the suspension isn't taken off by noon. I am keeping an eye on my checking account and Hulu took out their 99 cents the other day and Netflix isn't due until the 2nd of next month. I have $12.95 left in checking so I am going to put $10 on my payrange app I use for the vending machines at work so I have no temptation at all to pay for cam sites. I just did that, now I only have $2.95 left in the bank. This week I will have several hundred dollars left over after paying my bills and getting groceries and gas. I plan on taking it out in cash again and getting a small lock box for my bedroom, I live with 2 other guys. It is a shared house, I have no relationship with the other guys. Not having money in the bank is a very strong deterrent to spending money on cam site. it works extremely well for me.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 28, 2019, 01:07:31 AM
I am on the 11th day at 20:35:50, almost 12 days. No urge to look at porn. My license suspension should be lifted today. I am bipolar and depressed right now. All it would take to cheer me up is 4 or 5 doubles of Evan Williams.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on March 28, 2019, 06:52:59 AM
Great progress, Moses. Your focus and commitment are really impressive. You're absolutely correct that the desensitization will reduce and you'll start to feel more positive, but you're also right not to expect that lift straight away. Stay healthy, sir.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 28, 2019, 05:23:55 PM
I am on the twelfth day at 12:50:38. I had a very good day at work today. No urge to look at porn tonight. Mentally I am in rough shape, on edge from porn and alcohol withdrawal. Borderline angry. Knowing the effects porn has on me I don't want porn right now but a double of bourbon would make me feel very good. However I know that leads to porn so I am not giving in to that temptation either. I am thinking of inviting my siblings to join me at Chili's SUnday afternoon to celebrate two weeks porn and alcohol free.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on March 28, 2019, 05:56:09 PM
Hi Moses
Want to let you know that you have friends on here who care when you are going thru tough times. The 2 week PMO free point is a common time to feel emotionally low. You are not alone. Well done not drinking and persisting with your P free streak. Having time with your family to celebrate the 2 week mark is a great idea.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on March 29, 2019, 03:16:17 PM
If you ever consider the desire to drink again, just know, PMO lurks at the bottom of the glass.

Also, I have 757 days being alcohol-free and I used to drink every day. I haven’t had a drop in all this time because being able to say I’ve been alcohol-free is a badge of honor for me now. .

Just as it will be for you, soon.

Be proud of what you’re doing. All those people who put you down will discover how wrong they were, when they see who you are now. You’re stronger and more resolute than you’ve ever been. That makes you stronger than most of the guys out there, because you have what it takes to do this.

All you gotta do now is let the time roll by, and hold your course, cuz you’re right on track.

Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 29, 2019, 03:56:18 PM
I am on the 13th day at 11:20:15. I appreciate all the encouragement. I came home from work tired and depressed. I had to do QC, packing, and shipping today plus end of the month inventory and it is a thankless job. I took all of my extra money out of the bank in cash again and set aside $200. I shaved and took a long hot shower, that woke me up and made me feel better. I was just looking at my finances. All of my bills are paid on time this month for the first time in 6 months. My bank account won't be overdrawn. I made a list of all my bills for next month, I will pay all of them early and also set money aside to save for an emergency fund. That made me feel a lot better. No urge to look at porn or drink when I see how much money I am saving.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: BigMog on March 30, 2019, 10:46:59 AM
Hi Moses, Good work! So you got home tired and depressed from a difficult day but still managed to turn it round, make yourself feel better and do some really constructive things. For some of us at various times, the temptation to medicate with porn would have been too great.
That’s a good victory on the road to freedom from PMO. Thanks for sharing it.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 30, 2019, 02:30:43 PM
I am on the 14th day at 9:55:47. Sunday mornings is the worst time for me, I do most of my chores and errands on Saturday so I have very little to do on Sunday. Tomorrow morning I plan on doing my cooking early in the morning, I have some pans to wash too, so it will take me a while. Later in the morning I plan on using some of my camp gear, I collect Coleman stuff, and making breakfast on my camp stove out in the garage. I have some thick bacon, sausage links, and eggs. I have a cigar to smoke afterwards. That will keep me busy for a while, get me out of the house and get some fresh air. I have no urge to look at porn. I think the trick to a permanent stop to porn is to stay alert, not to get complacent. And not to give in to temptation even a little bit. There are suggestive videos on YouTube, flirting with women on dating sites, masturbation with porn fantasies, all of that stuff has to be totally annihilated.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 31, 2019, 01:34:25 AM
I am on the 14th day at 21:06:16, almost 15 days. The urge to look at porn is strong this morning. I have some things planned this morning and won't give in to it. If it gets bad I will take a cold shower.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on March 31, 2019, 04:39:38 PM
Keep it up, Sundays were my tough days too.  Keep your head in the game and stick to the plan. 8)
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 02, 2019, 02:13:04 AM
I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Rex on April 02, 2019, 08:22:00 AM
I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?

MosesY,

I can't tell you how much I have struggled with this question, today it's day 190 for me being free from PMO.  I have struggled so hard beating this addiction while fighting crippling Lyme disease that has brought me to my knees.  There were days in the last 6 months when I felt God abandoned me or I felt in this journey that God was so distant even when I knew I was doing all the right things and was obeying his commandments and staying clean of PMO. This is when the devil would hit me hard with temptations saying things like God's not listening why not go back to PMO?  I would fight through these temptations and forge forward and continue to pray.  I had days when I would question God, why is this happening to me, why are the simplest of things so difficult for me to do when everyone else I know can do them with ease, why am I housebound and I live with paralyzing panic attacks and anxiety?  I would plead for Him to immediately heal me.  These were dark days, and I still have bad days and days when I pray and don't feel anything or feel dead inside. However God did give me multiple signs that total healing is on the way, it was then that I realized that God doesn't work on my time table but in His time table.  In those darkest hours never forget He's there with us every moment of our struggles.

This battle for me though it's been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life, however it's been the most rewarding and has made me so strong even when my physical body is still weak.  God is working through you he is sending you your current trials to build you up and make you stronger.  For me I was a daily PMO addict for three decades, today I am 190 Days free from PMO.  I would never have had this victory without God.

Here's a great sermon which really helped me when I had those periods recently where I felt so distant from God and felt my prayers weren't being answered.  It was such a big help for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5S0C35f_gE

Keep up the great work!  You are 2 1/2 weeks free from PMO, that's a big victory!  There are many more victories right around the corner!  I'll keep you in my prayers...
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on April 02, 2019, 08:22:39 AM
Well done with the P and drink. Answering your question, He is within you. Like most of us you probably don't realise that especially when stressed. An old motoring motto: 'Give way (yield) and let God take over (overtake, if you prefer)' We tend to have our feet hard down on life's gas pedal perhaps trying to keep ahead of the stress but don't look in the rear view mirror and see Him falling back behind us.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 04, 2019, 01:19:52 AM
I am on the 18th day at 20:43:29, almost 3 weeks. I appreciate the encouragement. I am suffering from severe depression. I find it comforting to think about ending my life and am going to purchase what I need for that to happen this weekend, it is just relaxing for me to know that I don't have to go on, peaceful to contemplate it. I finally got my license straightened out, it is valid now and SR22 is not required. This is a huge weight off my shoulders but it took a toll. I had only been driving what was absolutely necessary so that will change now. I am going to attend Celebrate Recovery meetings and Alcoholics Anonymous. I see my therapist tonight but I am not going to tell her I am suicidal, she just freaks out. I am going to talk about the book "Your Brain on Porn" and what I learned from it, plus she will be happy I haven't had anything to drink.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on April 04, 2019, 06:05:36 AM
Moses, PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE.
You are doing so well. The depression will feed you lies especially when you are rebooting your mind.
If you don't feel like talking about suicide with your therapist, dial up The Samaritans or whatever equiva!ent agency you have in the States.
You matter to us too. Even though we've all not met face to face we are all buddies and friends. You are a friend and I (we) care for you.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 04, 2019, 06:24:01 AM
Hey Moses. I hope that the darkness has passed by and you're feeling more positive. All your problems are temporary. You're doing an admirable job fixing them Be gentle on yourself and show yourself some love. I'm thinking of you. Please call somebody. How 'bout your brother?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on April 04, 2019, 06:34:57 AM
Hi brother Moses!  You are in the midst of a struggle on many fronts-any of us in your position would get weary.  Even so, you have impressive streaks going, including your battle with alcohol.  Do not, repeat, do not take the prepatory purchase steps you mentioned in your last post.

Others, including myself, have gained from your posts.  Wish I could answer the God questions, I have the same ones myself !

Keep us posted, people, including myself, care.

 

 
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on April 04, 2019, 12:39:22 PM
That’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mose. It’s the coward’s way out. Don’t sucumb to that line of thinking. Think about the people who love you and how deeply you would hurt them by such a selfish act. This quote from James Spader’s character on the Blacklist says it better than I’ve ever heard it said:


Quotes :
Raymond 'Red' Reddington : Have you ever seen the aftermath of a suicide bombing?
Mysterious Woman : We're wasting time.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : I have. June 29th, 2003. I was meeting two associates at the Marouche restaurant in Tel Aviv. As my car was pulling up, a 20-year-old Palestinian named Ghazi Safar entered the restaurant and detonated a vest wired with C-4

Mysterious Woman : Let me go.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : The shock wave knocked me flat, blew out my eardrums. I couldn't hear. The smoke... It was like being under water. I went inside. A nightmare. Blood, parts of people. You could tell where Safar was standing when the vest blew. It was like a perfect circle of death. There was almost nothing left of the people closest to him. Seventeen dead, 46 injured. Blown to pieces. The closer they were to the bomber, the more horrific the effect.

Mysterious Woman : Stop.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : That's every suicide. Every single one. An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you. Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you, the ones who cherish you are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to people who love you?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 05, 2019, 12:38:58 AM
I am on the 19th day at 20:07:34. I had a rough week but I have a couple hours vacation today so only have to work 6 hours today and 6 hours on Saturday. I am going to find an AA meeting to go to, going to church tomorrow afternoon for the first time in a long time, Celebrate Recovery Monday night. I had a good session with my therapist last night, my insurance company pays her $187 per hour to care about me. I plan on cleaning and oiling my shoes this weekend, will be the highlight of my week.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 05, 2019, 11:14:59 PM
I am on the 20th day at 18:45:48. Almost 3 weeks now of no cam sites, no porn, not even risque YouTube videos. Still no real urge to look at porn. I found a cabinetmakers bench at a garage sale for an unbelievably low price. I can set it up in the garage and build stuff on it this summer with my hand tools. This gives me hope for the future.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 07, 2019, 12:15:02 AM
I am on the 21st day at 19:36:27. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks without porn. I am doing my cooking this morning. I went through a suicidal period and came out the other side okay. I feel much better this morning and better able to handle my stress at work. I know that I have to go in for a terrible day at work tomorrow and I am okay with that. Right now I am not in a position to move so I have to take the job I have and live with it, i am okay with that. THis is a workbench I found at a garage sale this weekend, it makes me feel better.

(https://i.ibb.co/Y0SMpJw/Workbench.jpg) (https://imgbb.com/)
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 08, 2019, 04:01:23 AM
Three weeks clean  8). Congratulations on that landmark, Moses.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 11, 2019, 04:42:33 AM
I am on the 26th day at 00:07:35, just starting the day. I am going through severe depression. Porn and alcohol used to give me something to focus on, something to do in my spare time. I am working 10 hour days and Saturdays so it seems right now that I do nothing except work, eat, and sleep. Basically no point to life. I am too tired in the evenings to go out and socialize and I am socially inept anyway. I tried a local church group a few times and the men there outright disrespected me for some reason. I took a shower before hand and I am OCD about cleaning myself so I know I didn't stink. There is just something about me that people don't like. My supervisor doesn't like me, he expects twice as much work from me as he does from anyone else so by the end of the day I am tired and ready to just sleep. Last night I was too tired to eat.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 13, 2019, 01:31:37 AM
I am on the 27th day at 21:01:54, almost 30 days now. Hard to believe it has been that long. I have felt good the past couple days. I have to work this morning 4 hours then do my grocery shopping and laundry, the rest of the weekend will be spent working on my lanterns and my workbench top. I am really looking forward to it.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on April 13, 2019, 10:53:46 AM
Well done. Glad you're feeling better and looking forward to projects.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 14, 2019, 05:08:51 AM
I am on the 29th day at 00:39:28. Tomorrow morning it will be 30 days without looking at any porn. The urge to look at porn is strong this morning, the DeltaFosB is receding now. I feel better, no depression. I am staying busy today, trimming my goatee, showering and shaving, cooking. meeting a friend to give him some stuff, lunch with another friend, and working on cleaning up a lantern. I have a couple cigars to smoke. That should keep me out of trouble.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 15, 2019, 03:04:57 AM
In 2 hours I will be on day 30, Monday April 15, 2019. Sunday mornings are really tough for me but yesterday I stayed busy and avoided porn once again. I had a great day with friends yesterday, met a friend in the morning to give him some stuff, ate lunch with a couple friends and we talked for 2 hours, and I ate dinner with my brother and his wife.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on April 15, 2019, 10:19:56 AM
Well done going 30 days
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 16, 2019, 02:32:00 AM
I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and ws yelled at for reccomending the book "Your Brain On Porn". I am not allowed to recommend books. WHat is the point of all of us getting together if we are not allowed to help each other?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on April 16, 2019, 04:11:07 AM
You don't have the best of luck, Moses, do you? I don't know CR well, but I see that it's Christ Centred and based on 12 Step process, which hints that it's not well disposed to science-based or analytical approaches to recovery. Big focus on our powerlessness, whereas YBOP is more focused on empowering. Some 12-step groups are pretty strict.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 16, 2019, 02:01:57 PM
You don't have the best of luck, Moses, do you? I don't know CR well, but I see that it's Christ Centred and based on 12 Step process, which hints that it's not well disposed to science-based or analytical approaches to recovery. Big focus on our powerlessness, whereas YBOP is more focused on empowering. Some 12-step groups are pretty strict.

Yes, I see the wisdom in what you are saying. I was raised in a very religious atmosphere and am still very spiritual but I found that understanding why I feel what I feel when looking at porn was a huge step in overcoming the addiction. I think for myself combining the spiritual aspect of life with the science of how my brain works is the best way to overcome the addiction. I imagine everyone has to find their own path. I think I will go back next Monday night and talk it out with the leader. I felt disrespected in front of the group and I tend to just run away and isolate myself when that happens but when I do that it leads back to porn. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon, I will talk to her about it and see what she says.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 19, 2019, 03:11:38 AM
I am on day 32 now, no porn. This will be a hard weekend for me, Easter weekend so all my friends and siblings will be spending time with their family and I have no family. I have a couple friends that I will call tomorrow but I will be spending the weekend alone. THe temptation to buy a bottle and binge on a cam site will be very strong. I will overcome that by doing things I enjoy. I am taking a couple hours vacation today so I can do all my chores today and then spend the weekend rebuilding a couple Coleman stoves and working on cleaning off my workbench top. I will do that with hand tools, a scraper plane and hand held scrapers. When I am done it will be better than new.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on April 19, 2019, 05:23:32 AM
Hi Moses
Sounds good. You must be a craftsman. Hope that the work helps you thru weekend. Keep in touch on here if you feel triggered. We can stand together when we feel vulnerable. All the best.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 20, 2019, 12:25:14 AM
33 days without porn now. I have no temptation to look at porn this morning. I am up early, 12:35 am, will probably take a couple naps today. I struggle with some psychosis, believing that I am the antichrist etc. and that is strong in my mind today but I will have a good day regardless. I am going to write a letter for my two daughters, same letter to both. I am not going into detail on my quit porn stuff, just a letter on how my life is going, cheerful and upbeat. I said I would stay in my pajamas all weekend but I may get dressed and go to church this afternoon. Not because it is Easter but because I would like to get out and socialize more, it would be good for me.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 21, 2019, 02:28:54 AM
34 days without porn now. I am going to watch "Risen" this morning. I am cooking today. No urge to look at porn. In fact I feel as though I understand how ugly porn is and what it does to me.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on April 23, 2019, 08:12:17 AM
Sorry you've had so many issues with you group, I myself, as you know am a Christian too.  I think they mean well at your group, but I think they are scared of risking something getting in to the group that might be detrimental, like that book we discussed earlier that advocated using porn responsibly(which is a BS).  I myself have learned during my struggle to escape PMO that there is both science and religion at play.  For example, you know about about DeltaFosB and that  its scientifically proven to reinforce habit, good or bad.  Well it is my belief and experience that Satan uses the knowledge he has of our PMO habit to lay temptation at our feet when we are at our weakest.  He is the enemy and if I were he I'd do the same things.  Acknowledging this though, that Satan uses a knowledge of Science and Biology to make us stumble in no way takes away from what the Bible teaches.  The way I see it, we as Christians have a responsibility to do certain things to keep from being tempted, if that means deploying scientific knowledge in collaboration with scripture, so much the better.  This doesn't take away from God, he invented science and biology.  I will say its detrimental to ever play the victim, we aren't and Adam wasn't.  We make our choices, we must own them.  For me pondering 1 Corinthians 10:13 says it all.

In the end I want to use every tool to win at my disposal and I doubt God has any issue with that.  He wants us free and clean.  I'm NOT advocating that we are capable of attaining salvation by works, only that there are things we must do in cooperation with what God has for us.  Its a war and He advocates and instructs us to suit up in His armor, which includes truth.  I think scientific truth is still truth.  Later, hope I havent confused you.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 25, 2019, 09:52:36 PM
39 days free from porn now.

I was taught in church that I sinned because I was a bad person that deserved to burn in hell for eternity. Think about that for a minute. Eternal torment. Eternal. Forever. Most people think they are going to heaven when they die but according to the Bible almost all of them are going to eternal torment. This is what I felt about myself, this is what the church teaches. I deserved eternal torment because I looked at porn occasionally. When I asked for help to overcome porn I was told to praise Jesus and the temptation would go away. I basically got zero help with it.

I finally got to the point where I really wanted to quit porn. I began researching quitting porn on the web and found this site and then people recommended YBOP book. That book made me see two things for the first time. One, for the first time I saw what porn was really doing to my life. It was explained in terms that I understood. For the first time I saw it for what it was. Two, for the first time I understood what porn did to my brain on a scientific level. I understood why I could never quit before. Understanding this has been invaluable in resisting the temptation; I know that if I resist I will be rewarded by more peace and happiness in my life and also the temptation will gradually become weaker.

I believe that God led me here and to the book "Your Brain on Porn". I believe these are tools He is using to make me a better person. If the guys at Celebrate Recovery won't accept that then I don't want to be with them.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Prodigal son on April 27, 2019, 09:05:34 PM
39 days free from porn now.

I was taught in church that I sinned because I was a bad person that deserved to burn in hell for eternity. Think about that for a minute. Eternal torment. Eternal. Forever. Most people think they are going to heaven when they die but according to the Bible almost all of them are going to eternal torment. This is what I felt about myself, this is what the church teaches. I deserved eternal torment because I looked at porn occasionally. When I asked for help to overcome porn I was told to praise Jesus and the temptation would go away. I basically got zero help with it.

I finally got to the point where I really wanted to quit porn. I began researching quitting porn on the web and found this site and then people recommended YBOP book. That book made me see two things for the first time. One, for the first time I saw what porn was really doing to my life. It was explained in terms that I understood. For the first time I saw it for what it was. Two, for the first time I understood what porn did to my brain on a scientific level. I understood why I could never quit before. Understanding this has been invaluable in resisting the temptation; I know that if I resist I will be rewarded by more peace and happiness in my life and also the temptation will gradually become weaker.

I believe that God led me here and to the book "Your Brain on Porn". I believe these are tools He is using to make me a better person. If the guys at Celebrate Recovery won't accept that then I don't want to be with them.
I agree with everything you said.  Whenever I went back and asked for help and told them I'd had another stumble I was told if I was still giving into it I must NOT be saved...  For years I yo-yo'd between being ok and damned.  I got to a point I was so desperate I cried out to God that something had to give, that either show me the way out or I'm diving in deeper, but I needed some relief.  For me it didn't come quickly but gradually, I never was told of YBOP until I came to RN and by then I'd already pieced most of the knowledge together from numerous other sources.  The porn thing has ravaged most churches, most don't know what to do with it except to condemn it, which they should, but there is so much more to it.  Porn is ready accessible these days 24/7 and at your fingertips anywhere there is an internet connection, no longer do you have to go to the dirty side of town or some back alley, its waiting for you in your pocket if you have a smart phone.  Then add in the constant "sex sells" and the movies and the tv and the music and its near impossible to not be touched by some form of lustful content every single day.  I understand where they are coming from, but at present they seem ignorant of the facts.  I've never been to celebrate recovery, or any group for that matter, I live in a rural area.  Heck when I first started seriously looking to get out nobody was even talking about it, I was alone.

Today I'm light years from where I was even 3 months ago and I give all the praise and credit to God for my healing.  There was a reason I had to travel the long road I did, a lesson to be learned with an eternal impact.  Some people walk in to places like here on RN and on the first try they walk right back out, must be nice.  For me its been the better part of 14 years of struggle and failure, pain and frustration, feeling hopeless, lost and dare I say, "damned".  There were times I thought I'd gone so far that I must be unrecoverable, why else would so many find freedom and I remained in chains...  I've always struggled in school, with learning anything.  My father is a mathematical genius, high IQ runs in my family, he even graduated school 2 years early before going to college to become an electrical engineer.  I was frustrating and I'm sure disappointing to him scholastically and in other ways.  He tried to help with schooling, but he never was able to make the slightest improvement in my performance.  I graduated with a 2.0 average from school, went to the college he chose for me and enrolled in the major he picked for me.  Less than a year latter I flunked out and not allowed to return there for a time.  I never ended up getting a degree or certificate of any kind, but in my jobs I've always proven myself to be a good leader and end up in management every where I've worked. 

Sadly PMO was the nut I couldn't crack for a long time, but over the last year my life is changing in dramatic ways.  Suddenly I was having break thru's in my bible study, things that never made any sense or interested me are now crystal clear.  Faith, true faith has become ever so sweet to me and proven to be the key that opened the lock.  All I can say is, man can and will let you down, but Jesus never will.  Not sure why I shared all that and it may be aimless rambling, but I understand you frustration with some of those in church, but I think they are just scared and ill informed to deal with issue fully and completely.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 28, 2019, 02:24:45 AM
41 days clean today, almost half way to the 90 mark. I find that hard to believe. Thank you Prodigal son for your response, it means a lot to me and is very helpful. I feel pretty good today and am looking forward to a good day.

The urge to go back to my chat site is non-existent now pretty much. I saw some lanterns at a barn sale yesterday, a professional picker that knew what they were worth and it was nice to be able to pull out $80 and get them. They require cleaning and polishing so that is time I will spend having fun that is not spent watching porn. On the other hand I notice women in the grocery store more, there is more of an attraction there. I have some mental issues so I am not comfortable having an intimate relationship with a woman at this point but just maybe I will in the future.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 03, 2019, 02:16:05 AM
I am 46 days free from porn now, over half way to my 90 goal. It seems like a very short time ago I quit. I am no longer tempted to look at cam sites, that habit is broken. I can leave money in my bank account without fear of spending it on cam sites. There is a big Coleman gathering this weekend ( I collect and restore Coleman lanterns). I am taking most of my money out in cash this weekend and will be able to buy another lantern or something at the group meeting, really looking forward to it. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she helped me realize how quitting porn and alcohol was making me feel better when good things happen in my life; I feel them more and they are more evident.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 03, 2019, 06:45:02 AM
Thanks for the update, Moses. You're an inspiration to me. I know you found it really hard at first, but you fought like hell to keep yourself clean and I hope you continue to see the benefits for a long time to come. Enjoy your weekend!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 11, 2019, 02:34:05 AM
Thank you for the responses.

54 days clean now. I was messing around on YouTube a few times and found some pretty risque videos but I realize those are a gateway back into porn and I must avoid them. Cam girl sites are no longer any temptation to me. I save a lot of money by not drinking or spending on porn and it is very nice to be able to take out $100 and go to garage sales and flea markets looking for lanterns. Over the past two weeks I have gotten a bunch of them that need cleaning up and repair, enough to keep me busy all summer. Today I have my grocery shopping to do and the rest of the day will be spent working on a lantern and watching "Dexter" on Netflix.

Spirituality means a lot to me too and I spend some time listening to music and watching sermons from my local church.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Cstan98 on May 11, 2019, 10:20:58 AM
MosesY. Nice to know You are a Christian. I am also a Christian. We are called to be perfect like Our Heavenly Father by JESUS CHRIST. Right. But this is fallen worlds full of temptations and baits. So sometime Our eyes stumble. But We just push on. Thanks for the encouragement on my thread. I see you are doing fine of 54 days clean. Push further and further. Man.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 12, 2019, 01:35:58 PM
56 days clean now. I feel pretty good today, no temptation to look at porn. I am just relaxing today, watching "Dexter" on Netflix. I know now that it is possible to be cured from an addiction to porn. I prayed a lot about it, became desperate enough to the point where I reallly wanted to quit and found this site. My heart has been changed, I care more about people now and want to do what I can to help others.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Rex on May 13, 2019, 09:37:46 AM
56 days clean now. I feel pretty good today, no temptation to look at porn. I am just relaxing today, watching "Dexter" on Netflix. I know now that it is possible to be cured from an addiction to porn. I prayed a lot about it, became desperate enough to the point where I reallly wanted to quit and found this site. My heart has been changed, I care more about people now and want to do what I can to help others.

MosesY,

You are doing great, keep up the great work!  As you progress it's going to get easier!

From my experience, a word of caution about the cable TV programs like Dexter, Sopranos, etc., they have nudity and very strong sexual themes in some of the episodes.  It's easy when watching these to rationalize that you'll cover your eyes during those parts or not pay attention however this stuff does enter into the subconscious and can lead to a fall to PMO.  In the past when I would be on a reboot these programs and movies would sow the seeds for a fall for me.  When I finally went clean for good last fall, I stopped watching these type of shows and movies and have been more careful with what I watch on TV and the Cable TV networks, it's kept me out of trouble and clean.

Keep up the great work!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 13, 2019, 10:45:28 PM
Rex, I totally understand what you are talking about and feel the same way. I am thinking about cancelling my Netflix account and going with PureFlix.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 14, 2019, 04:15:36 AM
57 days clean now, almost 60 days. I have no desire to look at porn now. I think if I continue realizing what it does to me and how much better I am without it then I will never again struggle with it. Part of that is to continue checking in here and posting in my journal, a frequent reminder of where I was and how far I have come. I am struggling with some psychosis right now, it seems to be more prevalent with the DeltaFosB wearing off and I am going to see my doctor today to see if I can't change my medication.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 18, 2019, 04:02:56 PM
62 days clean now. I canceled my Netflix account and signed up for Pure Flix. Plenty of good stuff on there to watch. I had a very good day today, found a nice lantern. I have no urge to look at porn. I have a lantern to work on next weekend now that will keep me busy over the 3 day weekend, no time to snoop around the internet.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on May 18, 2019, 07:48:43 PM
Well done. Enjoy doing the lantern. I have a kerosene Coleman and love it. Beautiful light.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 22, 2019, 09:33:25 AM
Congrats, MosesY! You had to fight so hard in the early days, but things seem to be coming together for you now.
I guess the "just a little peak" thing is a common form of cognitive distortion that our automatic/chimp brain pitches in, as a way of getting its easy fix again.... justification (you've earned it by doing so well) and minimisation (it's not actually going to do any harm). Well done for recognising that for what it is!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 30, 2019, 04:58:55 AM
My journal was locked with no explanation so I am beginning another one. I am free from porn for 70 days now, getting close to my 90 day goal. I am noticing changes in my body now, I am more sensitive to women. Socially I am doing better also, I called and talked to a couple friends today and I sat and smoked a cigar out in the garage with my roommate. I am working on rebuilding a lantern this weekend and plan on using some of my Coleman stoves and oven tomorrow to cook a steak. Overall a great weekend and feeling great.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 30, 2019, 05:00:33 AM
72 days free from porn. I had a great weekend. I found my birth certificate, I had been looking for it a while, it was in an envelope with a different label. Thrilled to have found that. I am only 18 days away from my 90 day goal, a little over 2 weeks yet. WHen I reach that goal I am going to have a major celebration.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 30, 2019, 05:01:22 AM
I am close to 73 days free from porn now. I was reading some about the link between porn and mental health. Watching porn reduces the mount of pleasure I have in other areas of life thus causing things such as depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. Really amazing how much it affects me. Suicide is so frequent that it is the tenth leading cause of death in the US. Every year almost 45,000 people choose to end there life. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in people under the age of 34. I wonder how much suicide would be eliminated if we eliminated porn?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 30, 2019, 05:05:28 AM
My journal was unlocked for some reason so I am continuing with the original journal.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 31, 2019, 01:41:58 AM
74 days clean now, 71 with no alcohol. I have no urge to look at porn this morning, none. I am picking up two lanterns after work today and will work on them this weekend. One of them doesn't need anything it is ike new but the other will need a complete tear down probably.

Here is a before & after of a lantern I refurbished last weekend.

(https://i.ibb.co/LQfBW03/228-Slant-5-18-19.jpg) (https://ibb.co/KNHBk5J)

(https://i.ibb.co/Ld8w8sW/Slant-2.jpg) (https://ibb.co/N2shsGP)
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on May 31, 2019, 06:45:11 AM
Congrats on continuing to make great progress. Lantern looks good! So important to have interests in the real world to keep ourselves present and focused. Have a great weekend!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 01, 2019, 03:09:10 AM
75 days clean now, only 15 to go. No urge to look at porn this morning. Today I am working on a couple lanterns and making a few more videos for my channel. I have some videos on the famous site but my first videos are very amateur. I am slowly getting better. Yesterday I put an app on my phone to edit video, maybe these will be better.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 02, 2019, 03:18:09 AM
76 days clean now, 2 weeks to go. I am making a few videos today with my Coleman appliances.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 07, 2019, 02:39:56 AM
I am 81 days porn free now. This weekend I have to work Saturday morning, plan on working on a lantern in the afternoon and writing a letter to a pen pal.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 09, 2019, 03:11:08 AM
83 days clean now. I have a strong urge to look at porn this morning but I will resist. I am writing a letter to a pen pal. Later on today I will light some of my lanterns, smoke a cigar, and drink nonalcoholic beer.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: BigMog on June 09, 2019, 03:31:12 AM
Well done Moses. Stay strong and enjoy the good, wholesome things in life. A letter, lanterns, cigars and beer seem good to me.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 11, 2019, 01:19:08 AM
I am 85 days free from porn now. Sunday will be 90 days. Hard to believe, that went very fast. I used to get drunk every night and look at chat rooms and isolating myself. I could not have done it without God's help. Some things that also helped are my journal here and the counter on my phone. I plan on celebrating Sunday. I feel very good about myself right now.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: cranm329 on June 11, 2019, 07:47:18 AM
Well done, Moses. Great achievement.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 12, 2019, 02:13:54 AM
Thanks for the encouragement. I am 86 days clean now.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: newday on June 13, 2019, 09:21:33 AM
Hi MosesY,

I just read your posts....really glad you are here.
One day at a time....sometimes one moment at a time...this can be overcome. You can do this.
For me, part of the biggest help I have gotten has been just getting outside my own head and my own thoughts, and connecting with other people in a meaningful way. So, I wanted to let you know that it's good to see you here fighting back against the addiction.

NGU
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 14, 2019, 12:28:22 AM
I appreciate the encouragement. Sunday I wil celebrate 90 days freedom from porn and 86 days freedom from alcohol. An old girlfriend messaged me today and sent me a friend request saying she forgives me. I hope to be able to talk things over with her and gradually over a period of time possibly get back together. The timing is really amazing; 90 days freedom from porn and contact with an old girlfriend on the same weekend.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 15, 2019, 05:05:05 AM
Today is day 89. I went from visiting a porn site every day to almost 90 days freedom from porn. It would not have been possible without God changing my heart and I give Him the glory for that. Today I am doing laundry and grocery shopping then the rest of the day is for relaxing. I have an old Coleman iron I plan on messing around with today and I have the lantern that was my dad's lantern I plan on lighting today and tomorrow in honor of my father.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 16, 2019, 02:46:06 AM
Today is 90 days freedom from porn. Could not have done this without God's work in my heart, the book "Your Brain on Porn", and the help I received on this site.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on June 17, 2019, 07:09:24 AM
Sincere congrats, Moses. You've worked soooo hard to make this change. Hat's off to you, Sir. Wishing you every success for the future.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on June 24, 2019, 05:05:34 AM
99 days clean now. The other day I was really tempted to go visit a site again but various things such as my blocker kept me from it. I am not counting it as a relapse because I never actually did anything and came to my senses. After being without porn for so long it no longer holds the appeal for me that it used to.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on June 25, 2019, 05:39:36 AM
Looks like 100 days by now for you-very impressive, but built on a lot of hard work.  Good job, and keep going!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on July 08, 2019, 07:06:25 AM
Bueller?......Bueller?.....Bueller?    What is going on Moses?  How is it going?
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on July 17, 2019, 03:52:53 AM
I relapsed some this weekend. I reset my timer and am on day 3 now, The thing I found out is that porn no longer holds an attraction for me, it doesn't turn me on like it used to, I see how fake it is. There was no specific trigger. I think it will be a long time before I am tempted to look at it again.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on July 17, 2019, 05:44:37 PM
It's all about today and moving forward.  You have made a huge stride toward the goal-good job and keep going!
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on September 04, 2019, 07:52:42 AM
I am in  a good place today. Just watching Netflix and relaxing.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on September 04, 2019, 01:46:23 PM
Glad to hear from you and nice to know that you are in a good place and doing alright.  Keep fighting.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on September 04, 2019, 07:18:15 PM
Thank you for the kind words jixu
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on September 13, 2019, 05:32:09 PM
I am a little twmpted to visit a site right now but I know what that leads to and am able to resist temptation.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: workinprogressUK on September 16, 2019, 05:12:25 AM
Hope you stay resistant, Moses. Porn is not an option.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on October 04, 2019, 06:02:36 AM
I am not sure how many days I am porn free now. Does it matter? At least a month. I have a different phone now without any counters on it. I am going to put a counter on it this morning. Life is so much better without porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Chicagocold on October 29, 2019, 05:59:19 PM
MosesY, great story and glad to hear you made it for over a month.  It's great to hear from other guys going through the same clean - relapse - clean cycle and not giving up.  Life without porn is definitely better.  It's great to hear you working through your social anxiety too.  Being out of your house and around others helps. 

Just be careful and never let your guard down completely.  I've been through several, long reboot attempts prior to getting on this site.  All were 3-5 months completely clean.  By then you should be good right?  Wrong!  Life was better and my mind had settled way down.  I felt calmer and more dominant.  Eased up on stupid behavior like road rage, wanting to fight, obsessing over girls butts.  Sex life was good.  Morning wood...check.  Each time I failed because I let my guard down, specifically on small triggers.  Clicking on that stupid link with bikini photos of some celebrity.  Clicking on an ad for women's underwear to see the picture in higher resolution.  Even when doing these mindless, almost meaningless things I knew deep down that there is no reason to do it.  Since I took that step it allowed my subconscious to subtly justify taking the next step which was actively seeking out photos.  You can guess where it went from there.   

At the point of clicking on the first photos it would have been so easy to turn back.  A quick "this is dumb.  What's the purpose?" and I would have shut it down and moved on.  Easy.  A few weeks later when I was about to click on one of the videos that used to really get me going and letting my hands wander, it was like turning an aircraft carrier.  Going back after all the relapses and figuring out what went wrong I came to the same conclusion - I thought I was "cured" and let my guard down.  The relapse built for weeks in tiny, easily "justifiable as okay" steps.  Each one broke down a little more resistance to getting back to PMO. 

Stay strong. 
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on January 18, 2020, 05:12:48 AM
I am clean now for 139 days, over 4 months. Things are going very well currently. I feel better about myself, plus i have a lot more money now that I am not spending it on cam girls.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on January 23, 2020, 10:20:51 AM
I am 144 days clean now. I am home sick today, planning on spending the day watching Netflix and TV. I had my first morning wood this morning, very different.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on February 04, 2020, 06:37:22 AM
I am 156 days clean now. This weekend I plan on  buying a dinner at Chili's and then lighting a lantern and enjoying a nice cigar and a double of Black Velvet to celebrate.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on February 08, 2020, 03:41:08 AM
I am clean for 160 days now. Today i have a bunch of chores and in the afternoon am going to a coin store with my room mate.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on February 10, 2020, 09:48:24 AM
It is nice to hear from you again and to learn of your great job in the battle!  Hope you can get a chance to pass along some insights you learned and to continue posting.   
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on February 15, 2020, 08:02:26 AM
Thank you for the kind words. I am 167 days porn free now. I could not do this without help from a higher power. My higher power is the Biblical God. I am not quitting on my own, I have His help. I will receive $1000 tax refund on the 20th and then will be the true test wwhether I can resist the cam girls or not.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on February 18, 2020, 06:00:27 AM
I am 170 days free from porn now. Things are going well, I am not tempted much to look at porn. Whenever I am tempted I log in here snd read some of the journals and the temptation goes away.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on February 29, 2020, 06:33:54 AM
On Februaty 1 I looked at a little porn. I was not going to reset my counter because it wad such a small relapse but I decided to anyway so now I am 29 days free from porn. I have not spent any of my tax refund on porn. I feel pretty good today, no temptation to look at porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 07, 2020, 09:02:08 PM
I am 35 days fee from porn now. I am enjoying life immensely. I say 35 days fee from porn but it is really more like 6 months. In the past 6 months I have looked at 2 little bits of porn, as opposed to looking at porn every night. This has made a tremendous difference in my dopamine levels and thus my enjoyment of life.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on March 26, 2020, 08:45:35 PM
I am 54 days free from porn now. I fell asleep in my recliner in front of the TV about 5:30 and woke up at 8:30. I think I will stay up the rest of the night and watch Netflix. I had a really good week at work this week and am looking forward to the weekend.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 04, 2020, 03:15:50 AM
I am porn free for 63 days now. Yesterday was a good day, sat out in the garage with my roommate. We had cigars and some black velvet. The quarantine is getting too me. I am still working but not being able to get out and socialize on the weekends is a trigger for me. Right now the cam girls are not a temptation for me but I am concerned because I have a lot of money right now and it would be so easy to just spend $20. On the other hand I know the guilt that would follow, having to restart my counter, admitting my failure here, and I think I will just play with my Coleman lanterns instead.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: joepanic on April 04, 2020, 07:50:00 AM
Hey MosesY

     Cigars and Black Velvel  what a great combination.  Yes the quarenteen is getting to many people   myself included.  I should really call it self isolation I suppose as up in Canada we are alowed to go out as long as your not in a risk group  where you need to spend 14 days at home (which we all did as we had to pull my daughter out of a highschool exchange program  in Germany a few weeks ago)  At the moment we are only leaving the house  to get groceries and its usually only 1 of us  and were not having any visitors. But we will make the best of it.     Glad to see your doing well in your fight.  I am currently I think at abluot day 115 or something  after 35 years of  either porn or chatrooms etc.   I dont  feel the pull for porn at all  anymore and the chatroom  still enters my mind but it is becoming less of an issue  everyday  as it seems to enter my mind less and less each day.   Maybe you need to find some way to put your extra cash  somewhere where it is locked away for 30 days or 90 days or something.  Most banks offer some sort of bond which you could buy  using  your net banking   They are usually a safehaven for investing  dont cost anything to buy  and its short term   Might be a good idea to make some calls if that one of your worries.  Once that worry is gone you can move forward  oin other areas of growth or healing.  Just a thought

      Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 10, 2020, 03:48:49 AM
Freedom from porn for 69 days now. We are getting Fridays off with pay now so I have extra time at home alone. I have a very big book to read called "Things to Come" by J Dwight Pentecost. It will keep me occupied so I will not look at porn. I am going to buy a couple steaks today and tomorrow I make potato salad so my roommate and I will have a great dinner. In the past I would have spent all my money on cam girls and would not have been able to afford a good dinner.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: joepanic on April 10, 2020, 07:28:17 AM
Nice going MosesY

     I have felt doing things like that are so important   It gives a great reason to be alive.  Its amazing how porn could replace that and we forgot what a great pleasure  life can be.  Quite fankly I''m sure during our addictions we were telling other people  the life we were supposidly living   but were living a lie  I know I did it many times   Wanted people to think one thing about me ....  That I was cool successfull  hip   etc   but in reality   I was a nobody   well no more of that   Itstime to kick back and live the good life 100%

    cheers  and enjoy the steak

    Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 16, 2020, 08:44:24 PM
Thank you for responding. I got my stimulus money yesterday, over a thousand dollars in the bank. I am buying a mini lathe with some of it but I still have a lot of money in the bank. We have an extra day off tomorrow with pay so the trick will be not to spend money on cam girls. I am 75 days free from porn now. I lost all my meds when vinegar leaked into my med drawer. I am working on replacing them now but it will probably be a couple days or sometime next week. A perfect storm; no meds, money in the bank, and lots of free time. If you pray, please say a prayer for me.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 18, 2020, 04:40:00 AM
77 days free from porn now. I plan on cooking today, I have new sheets to put on my bed and I set up my new coffee pot. I will probably work on a lantern and I am watching "Shooter"on Netflix. No temptation to look at porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Rookie on April 18, 2020, 12:38:49 PM
Folks with long streaks like this are one of the big encouragements I have...keep giving the rest of us with shorter streaks motivation...
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 22, 2020, 02:34:51 AM
Thano you for the response. I am 81 day free from porn now. I am getting ready to go to work; no quarantine for me unfortunately. I get Fridays off with pay so only 4 day weeks. I bought a mini lathe with my stimulus money so hope to turn some wood this weekend. I hope to make some goulash this weekend which is a first for me, looking for recipes on cooks.com.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: jixu on April 22, 2020, 07:23:55 AM
If you make something with the lathe I hope you'll post a picture of it, just like you did with that lantern awhile back.  Sorry, not much of a cook, can't help you out with the goulash!  Keep moving forward! 
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 23, 2020, 08:11:13 PM
Thanks for the response. I am 82 days free from porn now. Tonight I am drinking Black Velvet whiskey, staying up all night and setting fire to the internet. I have tomorrow off and can sleep tomorrow. Paid for sleeping is appealing to me. Hopefully I will avoid slipping over to the cam girls. Will let you know tomorrow when I wake up.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on April 28, 2020, 01:55:07 AM
87 days free from porn now. I have not spent a dime on cam girls in almost three months now; another 3 days it will be 90 days. I am up early and getting ready to go to work.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 01, 2020, 05:47:31 AM
Today is my 90 days mark. I worked 9 hours yesterday and came home, drank a beer and a double of whiskey while chatting with a friend, ate dinner and went to bed at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 11:30 pm wide awake. I figured I would burn down the web for a few hours then go back to bed. Those wee hours of the morning would normally have been spent looking at porn but today there was no temptation. Possibly because I am old now, 52 years old, and not as virile. Possibly because I am no longer addicted to porn because I have been mostly off it now for six months. We have Fridays off now with pay due to COVID-19. I worked 47 hours in 4 days and today I get paid for doing my laundry; it is done, folded and put away at 6:43 am. I will go out and about with a mask today to the grocery store etc.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: BigMog on May 01, 2020, 03:52:37 PM
Congratulations Moses! That’s a great milestone.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: joepanic on May 02, 2020, 08:32:27 AM
Nice going MosesY   I am somewhere around day  135 or 140  I would have to look   but I am still not ready to post in the  success section  I really want to be sure.   I'll admit  every once in a while I too celebrate with a nice shot of whiskey or a bottle of good wine   perhaps a steak.  As I have said before I am remembering  some of the finer things in life  and enjoying them when a year ago I would try it and for some reason it didnt feel right   almost as if i hadnt really earned it   But things are different now   Keep up the fight and hit 100 days

   cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 03, 2020, 04:04:59 AM
I am free now for 92 days. Plan on hitting the 100 day mark soon. I am cooking this morning probably at 6 am. I sm eorking on a gas lamp today, replacing the packing both in the valve and the tip cleaner. It should be a good day.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 08, 2020, 01:50:02 AM
97 days porn free. I am off work with pay today due to COVID-19. I am moving a couch today with help from a friend. I plan on doing my laundry and grocery shopping today as well then the rest of the weekend if free time. I plan on getting out my wood lathe and turn a handle for a mallet. I think working on projects like this makes it less likely for me to look at porn; it gives me a place to focus my energy instead of looking at porn.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 12, 2020, 01:25:49 AM
101 days free from porn now, no temptation to look at porn. I am up early reading my forums and facebook, probablly will watch some "Shooter" before going to work.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: MosesY on May 15, 2020, 04:57:35 AM
I am free from porn now for over 9 million seconds. I believe the internet is the great harlot spoken of in Revelation 17. Porn is an abomination to God, especially anal sex. It is amazing how far into porn I had sunk, wasting hours per day and thousands of dollars. I feel better about myself now, enjoy the little things more. I nice sunny day and the trees turning green and the freshly mowed yard all touch my heart now where before if I was not looking at porn I felt bored and useless. I believe a person needs some form of higher power to permanently overcome porn. I basically had to soften my hard heart and only God could do that for me. I know if I was relying on my own intelligence to quit porn I would not be able to do it.
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: joepanic on May 15, 2020, 08:04:27 AM
NIce going MosesY

         The Key is not so much  to not look at porn  to fill your time but to  have other more meaningfull things to fill your time with   I have to admit  the only time I really think about it is now when I come here  and read and write.  The rest of my time is spent on much more worthwhile endeavors  But at the moment I think maybe it is a security blanket  and if it keeps me away from porn than so be it

   cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Exodus
Post by: Joel on May 16, 2020, 11:42:39 AM
Well done on the streak, Mosesy. Real inspiration to see your journal clock up the days. I hope not to wasted any more time on that harlot.