Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: blueRaccoon on January 26, 2019, 05:34:21 AM

Title: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on January 26, 2019, 05:34:21 AM
The journey starts with me as a 5-years-old kid. Both of my parents have their own jobs to go to and my sibling too had to go to a different school, I was usually left alone for 6-7 hours with the housekeeper. It wasn't a problem as I was with someone who was taking care of me. Things started becoming a problem when the housekeeper died and I had to be alone all by myself as a 7-year-old kid. I used to come back after my school, unlock the door, enter the house and lock myself in till my parents come back. In the initial years, I used to cry a lot but later I started watching television for hours and hours. I used to sit there still with my eyes fixed on the idiot box for the whole time. The social setting of the locality was such that I didn't have many friends and when I could have gone to play/socialize with others I longed for my parent's attention at home. When I was 12-13 years old, I discovered the channels I wasn't supposed to and then spent the rest of my days watching them. I was introduced to porn by my friend at the age of 14. I didn't have the resources to access it back then but a year later I got my first phone (a multimedia phone) and with a bit of help from my friend I started accessing the websites. Now the days were spent watching porn and humping my bed (which I used to do even when I had no idea of it). Porn and masturbation became more frequent but I never saw it as a problem. I was good in studies, I had my friends, I was a good child for my parents and also a consumer of porn.

The rise in consumption came along with my college years. For the first time, I was away from my parents and home and at a new place. Porn consumption seemed completely normal to me and I never noticed that I had started watching it compulsively - when alone, when tensed, when doubtful and so on. I realized porn to be a problem in the final year of my college, I was at the peak of everything, I was doing everything I thought I would do then one day I had this big conflict with someone which would wrack me emotionally. I was still at the peak but with one big emotional hole. In these days, whenever I watched porn I had one voice in my mind which questioned the action of watching it but I would go on anyway. I considered the "questioning and watching" to be a one-time thing but I soon realized that it is happening each time I watched porn. I started noticing the other patterns that how being alone or a stressful exam ahead led to porn.

Soon, I graduated and now I was preparing for my masters. I was so focused on my masters that I never thought about porn and even when I did, I never had the time to waste on it. Everything was going great till another hurdle struck me hard. This time it was my fear - the fear of failure. I had missed a few of my planned schedules regarding the study and it had overwhelmed me. I didn't believe I could complete what I had started and feared that I would never be able to do my masters. In these moments of crisis came the subtle hints of porn in form of discussion with friends who watched porn. I started taking refuge in porn again. And this time it was worst. I knew that I'm reinforcing the habit, I knew that it isn't gonna make me coverup for the schedules I missed but I watched it anyway until I was unable to masturbate. This time I was not alone, I had roommates. I would deliberately skip plans to watch porn, I would watch porn and masturbate when everyone else was asleep and later when I felt the guilt I became miserable. I had started having suicidal thoughts, I told my sibling who was far away from me about it. It helped me calm down a bit. Later, I gave up on my masters and started focusing on my daily routine. I followed a morning ritual I had created and was able to stay clean for 1 and a half month till I came back to my hometown.

I had given up the idea of masters and there was a question as to what I would do then? I decided to stay here with my sibling and prepare for the competitive exam to get a job I always wanted. The journey to life continues from here onwards..

BlueRaccoon
2019 - 23 years old
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: brandnewself on January 26, 2019, 07:50:28 AM
Hi BlueRaccoon, thanks for encouraging me in my journal the other day. Just saw you posted and decided to say hello. I'm sorry about the masters situation but maybe it's a good thing. Personally I'm doing my masters right now but I really want to start working. I feel like studying is like living in a bubble sometimes and I want to see the real world. Either way I hope you will do well in your competitive exam and get the job you want.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 01, 2019, 06:01:31 AM
@brandnewself, I am over the whole masters' things now and focusing on getting the job. Hope we both get our desired jobs soon.

@null1011, whatever you say, I'll always be fascinated by the research work. The sheer thought of creating/discovering something new gets me all excited!! and all the best to you too.

Thank you guys. Your words help a lot. I wasn't sure how the forum could help me but now I can see it clearly.
From now on I'll be regularly visiting the forum.   :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 01, 2019, 06:44:48 AM
DAY #7

The first thing to put the log for Day #1 to Day #6
Day #1 - 26th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #2 - 27th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #3 - 28th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #4 - 29th January 2019 - Clean / started using a brick phone.
Day #5 - 30th January 2019 - Clean
Day #6 - 31st January 2019 - Clean

Day #4 to #6 were clean as
1. I started using a brick phone (though I still have an internet connection on my laptop)
2. Was busy for the days as had some wedding to attend.
3. Was not alone.

Day #7
I am not having the cravings yet. However, I have compulsively used the dating websites-created a profile, swiped, and deleted the profile- It might be acting as a substitute. Recently, I have noticed myself desiring a relationship for PIV only and for that my brain always keeps on pointing me the girls. I feel like it's not healthy to focus on the PIV so much that the other person vanishes and only the PIV remains but at the same time, my brain argues that a "STANDARD RELATIONSHIP" before PIV would take a long time. It's a continuous fight in my brain - PIV vs good old healthy relationship.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 01, 2019, 12:03:03 PM
Hey blueRacoon,

I really hope you gonna a find work that passionnate you, since you love to research stuff I wish you the best, it's awesome to have a passion and I think it may help you on your journey here!

For the reboot, from what I've read and seen in everything related to Porn addiction or any addiction whatsoever is that it messed up the reward circuit. By swiping profile you flood your brain with dopamine which as if you were looking to porn, because it activate the same circuit in the same way. I've notice that when I was doing something similare to what you've been doing, that I was on the verge of a relapse.

Everything dating apps, facebook, youtube, instagram snapchat, etc... are all substitute that you should try to absting as much as possible. 'Cause they all trigger a big dopamine response and every girl you will see on these or really any virtual platform hinder your recovery by a large amount. Maybe, and I really mean maybe, not as much as porn, but still enough to not worth it. Plus, it's playing with fire.

Now, I'm much more aware of that as a warning sign to get busy and/or concentrated on something else as much as I can. I started meditating a month ago and it really help to get rid of all undesirable thought as they rise.

Hope it may help you,
Stay strong
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 02, 2019, 06:41:45 AM
Hey blueRacoon,

I really hope you gonna a find work that passionnate you, since you love to research stuff I wish you the best, it's awesome to have a passion and I think it may help you on your journey here!

For the reboot, from what I've read and seen in everything related to Porn addiction or any addiction whatsoever is that it messed up the reward circuit. By swiping profile you flood your brain with dopamine which as if you were looking to porn, because it activate the same circuit in the same way. I've notice that when I was doing something similare to what you've been doing, that I was on the verge of a relapse.

Everything dating apps, facebook, youtube, instagram snapchat, etc... are all substitute that you should try to absting as much as possible. 'Cause they all trigger a big dopamine response and every girl you will see on these or really any virtual platform hinder your recovery by a large amount. Maybe, and I really mean maybe, not as much as porn, but still enough to not worth it. Plus, it's playing with fire.

Now, I'm much more aware of that as a warning sign to get busy and/or concentrated on something else as much as I can. I started meditating a month ago and it really help to get rid of all undesirable thought as they rise.

Hope it may help you,
Stay strong

Thanks @rebooter2019, I'll keep that in mind.
Yesterday, I read a comment on some other post (not able to find it right now) which talked about "seeking approval from women" and that casual sexual encounters come with a huge price attached to it. I think I was definitely looking for casual sexual favors and have tried to notice the approval seeking behavior and have started to control it.
I liked your view that such thoughts are warning signs to get busy and/or concentrate on something else and I would be practicing it from now on.
Looking forward for more insights from you.  :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 02, 2019, 07:23:22 AM
DAY #8

Clean with No craving.

The day has been good so far but I  am feeling a bit low on energy and a bit anxious.
Yesterday, I had read a comment about approval seeking behavior and casual sexual encounters with a heavy price attached to it. I sort of recognized the approval seeking behavior of mine. I do look good and often I am being checked out by girls. Getting the attention always felt good but what I don't like is me being overly obsessed with it and continuously looking for "so-called attention" when there really is nothing. It messes up with my thoughts and I end up behaving awkwardly or in a way, I shouldn't have.
The general cases that I have noticed-
1. When we both are attracted to each other - I do not try talking to her or take any step and end up behaving awkwardly. Generally, in  this case, the sex is not a priority and I start to dream of "LOVE" and the relationship we can have.
2. When the girl is attracted to me - I start to think about the casual sexual favor I can have? and feel like I have the supremacy and end up degrading the other person.
For the entire day, I have refrained from doing anything which would lead me to think "Yeah, I look good, that girl thinks I look good, she might give me no strings attached intercourse I dream of". Not getting the "regular approval" I used to get might be the reason I am feeling a bit low for the entire day.
It is messed up as I do not know what I want, on one hand, I believe the understanding, mutual trust, love is important in a relationship and here sex part comes after this. And on other hand, I constantly seek casual sexual intercourse which has nothing to with the feeling and blah blah. Probably the idea of casual sexual favors is a result of constantly consuming the porn.

Hoping that the upcoming days would shed some lights on this issue.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 02, 2019, 01:26:23 PM
Your very welcome @blueRacoon. It's always a pleasure to share thoughts that may help to someone that may benefit from it :)

The last part of your first point is all me, because as most girl that I know they almost all think that I have a huge sexlife and a lot of girls that sleep with. I ask once to a girl why is that so and she reponded: "Well, the way you talk to girls". I was kind of flattered, because I'm coming from a completely alone background. So knowing that she covertly said " you know how to speak to girl" Boost my ego on one end, but in fact I don't have any relationship or FF, because of my PIED make it drop... We just have to be patient. I can't do anything, so I don't step up and try anything and after I dream of having a real relationship with her and making Love and everything. It's something I have to work on, but it not easy. Usually, anything that worth it is not easy.

For your thought, during a Reboot your brain is all messed up and try to provoke you so you feel lost and then send you urges and try to get you. In my case my brain try to use logic against me, I never ask him to do it he just do it. Don't attach to much importance to all these thought that you have right now. Because of the P they're still to strong and may cause a relapse. Try to sort these if you still have them 2-3 month in the reboot. Now your in the phase weakening of the aberrent reward circuit after enough weakening come the rewirering.

Continue like that though already 8 days, keep at it!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 03, 2019, 07:03:11 AM
Your very welcome @blueRacoon. It's always a pleasure to share thoughts that may help to someone that may benefit from it :)

The last part of your first point is all me, because as most girl that I know they almost all think that I have a huge sexlife and a lot of girls that sleep with. I ask once to a girl why is that so and she reponded: "Well, the way you talk to girls". I was kind of flattered, because I'm coming from a completely alone background. So knowing that she covertly said " you know how to speak to girl" Boost my ego on one end, but in fact I don't have any relationship or FF, because of my PIED make it drop... We just have to be patient. I can't do anything, so I don't step up and try anything and after I dream of having a real relationship with her and making Love and everything. It's something I have to work on, but it not easy. Usually, anything that worth it is not easy.

For your thought, during a Reboot your brain is all messed up and try to provoke you so you feel lost and then send you urges and try to get you. In my case my brain try to use logic against me, I never ask him to do it he just do it. Don't attach to much importance to all these thought that you have right now. Because of the P they're still to strong and may cause a relapse. Try to sort these if you still have them 2-3 month in the reboot. Now your in the phase weakening of the aberrent reward circuit after enough weakening come the rewirering.

Continue like that though already 8 days, keep at it!!

Thanks man!! I'll be patient and will earn it with the hardwork. I think you're right about these thought taking much of the space in my brain, would replace to fill it much important work from now on.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 03, 2019, 07:24:25 AM
DAY #9

Wet dreams!! Clean without much of craving.

I feel like the entire night was filled with multiple wet dreams and I was a bit worried when I woke up as whenever I have had wet dreams in past I ended up giving in to the craving in the day. But fortunately, I was able to control myself today. I have been getting the clean days, today is the 6th day but I don't feel like I have worked much on myself specifically the lifestyle. I am yet to take steps to improve my lifestyle. Monday would definitely bring challenges for me. I have to wake up early to attend some classes. I usually reach the classes half asleep and late and later feel I don't have control over my life. Gotta change this!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 03, 2019, 07:27:08 PM
Nice progress!

I know I've had more success as I've tried to change my whole lifestyle and not just my pornography behavior. Any positive change you can make is progress. Good luck with classes in the morning!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 03, 2019, 08:56:53 PM
Yes, you are both right in my opinion. Lifestyle is a huge step, a good lifestyle make so that you have little to no "dead" time and that you're doing something meaningful for you and your life. Little to no "dead" time mean less chance of going back to P and less chance to even think about it.

Plus, what is that most porn addict has in commun. Usually a questionable lifestyle. When your reward circuit is messed up and add the the Hypofrontality and you got the perfect combination of a sh*tty life(style) incomming...

BlueHeronFan have another good point is that you're making good progress. We're right being you and we got your back. Stay in the path and stay strong!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rakses on February 04, 2019, 05:51:02 AM
Hi Buddy
I am inspired to see your battle with this addiction.
From myself i can add couple of things.
We seek for relationship with girls to fufill a gap within us we want love because we do not love fully ourselfs so we look for that love in others. Being alone without people just by yourself is not wrong. You don't have to be social, you don't have to prove anything to anybody, only you know your struggles your suffering and how much you have been through. Reboot time is time to be spend alone, looking deep inside ourselfs. It's time not only to eliminate that addiction but to change the whole lifestyle. Each individual has to find a quality within themselfs, passion, life mission, this strive that will make him independent from others people.

Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 04, 2019, 06:20:17 AM
Thank you @BlueHeronFan, @Rebooter2019, @Rakses for the support. You all have the right words of wisdom for me. Lifestyle changes, No dead time and loving myself!! I'll incorporate these three into the plan.  :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 04, 2019, 06:55:49 AM
DAY #10

Clean with no cravings.

The start of the day wasn't good. I was not mentally prepared for the classes in the early morning and my mind kept of talking for the whole night. I wasn't able to sleep properly. The alarm went off in the morning. I woke up but didn't really felt like attending the classes. There was a struggle in mind as to attend the class or not and I ended up staying. I wasn't able to sleep after that. I was laying in the bed wide awake and feeling bad. My brain was hinting me "Hey, you are feeling bad, why don't you watch porn and relieve yourself". As soon as I noticed this thought popping up I got off the bed and to my study table and started studying. Later in the morning, I exercised and meditated for while which I was planning to do for a while. The rest of the day was good.

I think the problem with the classes is not necessarily the timing but something else. I gotta work on-
1. The habit of chasing perfection
2. My Fear of failure
3. Approval seeking behavior
One at a time.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 05, 2019, 06:30:20 AM
DAY #11

Clean with no cravings but not much progress.

Trouble sleeping!! My mind won't stop. All the random thoughts keep popping in my head. Just like yesterday, I didn't attend the class. I woke up but convinced myself to try to sleep again. I wasn't able to sleep and my mind started searching for the P inside my head. I immediately got off the bad and to the study table like yesterday. I skipped Exercising and meditation today. The random thoughts which were confined to bad time only have started to appear in the day too. I am doing something else but my mind keeps on wandering everywhere else. The rest of the day was a bit dull for me. I haven't been doing anything at all and it sucks!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 05, 2019, 11:18:27 AM
@blueRacoon Yeah, I know how it feels like... sorry that that you have to feel it too.

I manage to push myself to do the thing that I normally have a passion for like training and nutrition. Thought, I've made these two an habit long time before entering this periode so that help alot. Meditation is fairly new for me so it can be a struggle from time to time, but I feel slightly better after a session.

But, I have trouble to go to school and study and anything outside my habits right now ans it really sucks, because I have still so much left to do!

But man!!! We can do it, we have to stay strong and like I've read in a journal(don't remember which one though sorry!) Sometimes, we have to act like robot and do things mechanically in order to have a productive day.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 06, 2019, 05:46:15 AM
@blueRacoon Yeah, I know how it feels like... sorry that that you have to feel it too.

I manage to push myself to do the thing that I normally have a passion for like training and nutrition. Thought, I've made these two an habit long time before entering this periode so that help alot. Meditation is fairly new for me so it can be a struggle from time to time, but I feel slightly better after a session.

But, I have trouble to go to school and study and anything outside my habits right now ans it really sucks, because I have still so much left to do!

But man!!! We can do it, we have to stay strong and like I've read in a journal(don't remember which one though sorry!) Sometimes, we have to act like robot and do things mechanically in order to have a productive day.

Thanks @Rebooter2019. I hope to get over this phase soon. I need to control my emotions lest they control me.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 06, 2019, 06:02:43 AM
DAY #12

Clean with cravings and a hell lot of frustration.

I was frustrated for the entire day and there were cravings. I feel the frustration is a result of the right decisions I have to make from now on and also because of my struggle against it. Today was the 9th clean day. The initial days were a bit easy as I have gotten rid of the major source of P (smartphone) but I guess 9 days is the maximum I could go without putting an effort. The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 07:30:00 AM
DAY #12
The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.

That's right man and you're already on the right track! We would have seen that we had to change alot sooner if the brain would have been on our side and not just wanted his high, but here we are with some valuable lesson of life!
So, Keep going and stay strong!! We can make it to the end... Freedom!!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rakses on February 06, 2019, 11:23:02 AM
DAY #12

Clean with cravings and a hell lot of frustration.

I was frustrated for the entire day and there were cravings. I feel the frustration is a result of the right decisions I have to make from now on and also because of my struggle against it. Today was the 9th clean day. The initial days were a bit easy as I have gotten rid of the major source of P (smartphone) but I guess 9 days is the maximum I could go without putting an effort. The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.


I feel the same frustration now buddy. It's... frustrating xD
I think it is best now to flow on the motion of our lives and to avoid porn. Patience is the key in PMO our life will settle down in place eventually. :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 07, 2019, 06:49:41 AM
@Rebooter2019, Exactly!! Now the junky brain has to learn the lessons. It really feels better to get some things sorted out. Though there are many lessons and sorting which need to be done, I'll get them one at a time. I have noticed that when I put an end to one debate/problem in my head, another one pops up but it's not something unnecessary as these might be the issues which were fueling my addiction. Getting rid of them feels like taking a step closer to the freedom we desire.

@Riki, frustration is gone for now. I guess it would be an on-and-off thing for a while. I appreciate your advice. Gonna flow with the motion of life.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 07, 2019, 07:07:39 AM
DAY #13

Clean with no cravings.

Slept well. No random thoughts troubling me. I have started to have some insights about my behavior and usual day-to-day actions. I never really paid any attention to them earlier but now I am able to easily notice them. It feels like my brain is always on alert to watch out for anything which "I SHOULD BE DOING BUT I AM AVOIDING" and one slight hint from the brain is enough to get me doing it most of the time. The next step is to make a schedule and get all the important things done which need dedicated time slots.
The rest of the day was normal, I was a bit productive as I was doing what I should have done.
Looking forward to the next day!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 11:10:46 AM
Nice job, man! Almost 2 weeks, you're doing great! It's nice that you start to see things your brain was trying to hide from you. It will help you further along the line!

Stay strong and clean, you're right on the path :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 08, 2019, 05:45:42 AM
Nice job, man! Almost 2 weeks, you're doing great! It's nice that you start to see things your brain was trying to hide from you. It will help you further along the line!

Stay strong and clean, you're right on the path :)

Thanks!! 3 days to go to reach 2 weeks of sobriety.  ;D
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 08, 2019, 05:57:22 AM
DAY #14

Clean with sudden flashbacks.

Last night I had sudden flashbacks of the P. I was troubled for a while but got control of myself soon. The morning was a bit dull and the dull mood prevailed throughout the day. I wasn't able to get much of the things done but I did the exercise and I am happy about that. The day was sure rough and could have been disastrous. I have to be more careful from now on.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 08, 2019, 12:59:44 PM
I had that yesterday and it was partially my fault. Stayed to much in bed, but I got up and didn't return to my room until it was time to sleep! And I meditate almost an hour.

We have to find creative/or not ways the get around our brain trying his best against us!

Stay strong and let's make this day productive!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 09, 2019, 06:03:19 AM
Yeah man. Our brain knows us too well to find ways to trick us. I have been trying to identifying that when it's my brain trying to trick me and when it's actually something real. I was really low in the morning for no reason t all and soon realized that it's my brain trying to convince me to take refuge in P.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 09, 2019, 06:12:19 AM
DAY #15

Clean with strong cravings and wet dreams.

The day started with me waking up to a wet dream. It was not some usual dream but a weird one which left me thinking what could have been the reason for it? I soon declared that it's my brain's way of making me feel bad about it and take refuge in P. The rest of the day was something I must have anticipated from a "wet-dream day". I was not able to concentrate, the brain was wandering from time to time and often lead to P flashbacks, there were strong urges of P but somehow I survived. The day is yet to over and the battle for survival must continue for now.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rakses on February 09, 2019, 06:20:55 AM
I get you bro I also witness strong urges recently... It seems to be so real when your brain try to trick you...
Stay strong and don't follow your thoughts. Everytime fantasies come return your awareness to your body and you will be good :)
Keep it tight! And congratulations on your 2 weeks mark :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 09, 2019, 06:45:42 AM
I get you bro I also witness strong urges recently... It seems to be so real when your brain try to trick you...
Stay strong and don't follow your thoughts. Everytime fantasies come return your awareness to your body and you will be good :)
Keep it tight! And congratulations on your 2 weeks mark :)

Thanks man. I'll get through this for sure!!
btw I'm yet to reach 2 weeks mark. The Day number I put on the post is the number of days it has been since I started this journey, I'm maintaining a separate spreadsheet to check on the relapses. It's just a personal choice of not looking at the streak. I had relapsed for the 3 consecutive days at the start of this journey so it's my 12th day today. Save your congratulations for Day #17 post 8)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 09, 2019, 01:47:54 PM
I get you bro I also witness strong urges recently... It seems to be so real when your brain try to trick you...
Stay strong and don't follow your thoughts. Everytime fantasies come return your awareness to your body and you will be good :)
Keep it tight! And congratulations on your 2 weeks mark :)

Thanks man. I'll get through this for sure!!
btw I'm yet to reach 2 weeks mark. The Day number I put on the post is the number of days it has been since I started this journey, I'm maintaining a separate spreadsheet to check on the relapses. It's just a personal choice of not looking at the streak. I had relapsed for the 3 consecutive days at the start of this journey so it's my 12th day today. Save your congratulations for Day #17 post 8)

I understand your choice about streak, I've have pretty much opinion about it. Still, I congatulate you for all the efforts you've done up to this point.

You're on the right track my friend! Keep going :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 10, 2019, 05:34:27 AM
Thanks @Rebooter2019
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 10, 2019, 05:40:09 AM
DAY #16

Clean with no cravings.

I was out for some work for the whole day. I feel a bit tired and plan to rest for a while.
Looking forward to the next day.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 11, 2019, 06:49:33 AM
DAY #17

Clean without cravings

Today was just another usual day for me. No cravings or flashbacks, I was busy doing my own things.
I still need to get my morning routine right. I was supposed to do exercise but I woke up late and eventually skipped it.


NSFW

Yesterday, I thought of watching some anime but mind was constantly telling me not to do it(right thing!!). As I prepared myself to get the show on, I felt like I was watching myself getting ready for a PMO session. The whole setup to watch a show was similar to that of what I used to do for P. I watched the show, things were normal until I saw a character attacking a female character out of nowhere. At this point, I felt this sudden rush inside my body, I could not feel my weight and felt much lighter. Luckily, that particular scene came at the end of the show just as a sneak-peek to the next episode and might have lasted for 10 seconds only. But it was enough to make me realize that Animes are not something I can continue in this journey. I had known it from the start but thought a new episode a week of my favorite anime can be tolerated but It's not the case now. I was also feeling bad about the reaction I had to that particular scene and it made me realize how my brain sees such things. It was just an attack - a character trying to choke other using his hands - and my brain was all set to see somethings which it had seen earlier. How can a person's harm be something to get all excited about to others, it was an animation indeed but what's the guarantee that my brain would not react similarly if it was real? I do very well know that it's the result of the years of exposure to the P which made my brain react like this but still, it's something I can not let go off easily. I need to get out of this mess and improve myself otherwise I don't know what kind of a person I would be.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rakses on February 11, 2019, 09:57:58 AM
I feel you bro... It is a part of our rebbot job to notice and diagnose those patterns in our brains. In order for them to dissapear we have to stay away from this sexual stimulation and this patterns for a while.

Keep in mind that anime is a cool thing and we should not abandon this forever... We will never avoid sex and all this over-sexualized society we just have to reboot our brains (take a break from all this stuff) and make a lifetime commitment to do not PMO.

keep being observant and be strong man ! :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 11, 2019, 12:18:55 PM
Yeah, me too. It's pretty much everywhere and I don't watch hardly any show apart some carefully selected old cartoon movie which does not have any sexual content. Almost everything as some sort of sexual content in digital(unreal) form in itself and as Rebooters we have to be extra careful of what we watch.

Anyway, when we think about it shows are like fast food for the brain. Sure there's some shows we love to watch, but isn't it the same for food. So in a sense rebooting serves multiple purpose. We must clean thoroughly our brain from everything that is not optimal for it. Like we try to keep our body in optimal condition by giving it the right food through nutrition!

Just my thoughts on the subject. Stay strong man :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 06:07:46 PM
Yeah, me too. It's pretty much everywhere and I don't watch hardly any show apart some carefully selected old cartoon movie which does not have any sexual content. Almost everything as some sort of sexual content in digital(unreal) form in itself and as Rebooters we have to be extra careful of what we watch.

Anyway, when we think about it shows are like fast food for the brain. Sure there's some shows we love to watch, but isn't it the same for food. So in a sense rebooting serves multiple purpose. We must clean thoroughly our brain from everything that is not optimal for it. Like we try to keep our body in optimal condition by giving it the right food through nutrition!

Just my thoughts on the subject. Stay strong man :)
They know that this is how they keep people hooked. I, too, have run into this problem: WTF could I watch that doesn't have softcore? I ended up watching a TV series for teenagers, out of frustration. It was refreshing to finally watch a full episode without nothing in it. We don't have to dive in movies and TV series. I only watch the movies that I already know they are safe. Like "Doubt", for example. Give it a try.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 12, 2019, 06:03:15 AM
Thank you Riki, Rebooter and chagemylife for the support. I have to be extra careful from now on while watching any series or movies. Sexualization has become so common everywhere, even in the good shows they will just put something to keep the pervs happy. I have to completely abstain from such things for the time being. Must clean all the junk that I have in my brain first.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 12, 2019, 06:15:30 AM
DAY #18

Clean without cravings.

Another usual day.
The growth has not been linear. I would say I was on fire at the start but this phase has been stagnant so far. I have not yet worked on some of the habits I want to incorporate -exercise, meditation- and feel like writing this journal is the single things I look forward to in a day. Other than that there is nothing. I have to get myself charged again. Fear of failure has always been a problem with me when I see something too big for me to climb up, I just stay still at the bottom looking at the top of the hill thinking I can not do it and this makes me go numb in all other spheres of my life. Standing still in one sphere of my life make the progress of other spheres stop too. I guess this phase is the phase of fear, I have to face it and conquer it for me to progress in my life.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 06:21:47 AM
DAY #18

Clean without cravings.

Another usual day.
The growth has not been linear. I would say I was on fire at the start but this phase has been stagnant so far. I have not yet worked on some of the habits I want to incorporate -exercise, meditation- and feel like writing this journal is the single things I look forward to in a day. Other than that there is nothing. I have to get myself charged again. Fear of failure has always been a problem with me when I see something too big for me to climb up, I just stay still at the bottom looking at the top of the hill thinking I can not do it and this makes me go numb in all other spheres of my life. Standing still in one sphere of my life make the progress of other spheres stop too. I guess this phase is the phase of fear, I have to face it and conquer it for me to progress in my life.
Yeah, man, I could relate to this. I've been trying to quit P since 2 months ago and I haven't made any progress. I kept relapsing (bingeing) once/twice a week. I haven't even completed 1 week without P or edging and it annoys me. I've seen users around here saying they have been trying for years and it just scares me. I've joined this place after (like maybe everybody) I've discovered Gabe Deem and Gary Wilson. I started with that "courage from autosuggestion" let's call it, I felt like I could do it in a few months. But then 1 relapse, another one, another one, bingeing like crazy, I've become depressed and started to doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I know what to do but I can't do it. I'm too obsessed with pleasure, that's the fucking problem. I don't do it everyday, I don't do it as self-medication anymore, I just do it for pleasure. I wait days to built up the urges and then do it. However, in the last 2 weeks or so, I've been completely asexual. I can't turn myself on, I can't have urges. You could say "Alright, then why are you doing it if you don't have urges?" The answer: I am obsessed about pleasure. I want to experience pleasure. I start edging, in a desperate attempt to turn myself on. It didn't work and I despaired. I don't know, man, I'm doing this wrong.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 12, 2019, 06:42:57 AM
DAY #18

Clean without cravings.

Another usual day.
The growth has not been linear. I would say I was on fire at the start but this phase has been stagnant so far. I have not yet worked on some of the habits I want to incorporate -exercise, meditation- and feel like writing this journal is the single things I look forward to in a day. Other than that there is nothing. I have to get myself charged again. Fear of failure has always been a problem with me when I see something too big for me to climb up, I just stay still at the bottom looking at the top of the hill thinking I can not do it and this makes me go numb in all other spheres of my life. Standing still in one sphere of my life make the progress of other spheres stop too. I guess this phase is the phase of fear, I have to face it and conquer it for me to progress in my life.
Yeah, man, I could relate to this. I've been trying to quit P since 2 months ago and I haven't made any progress. I kept relapsing (bingeing) once/twice a week. I haven't even completed 1 week without P or edging and it annoys me. I've seen users around here saying they have been trying for years and it just scares me. I've joined this place after (like maybe everybody) I've discovered Gabe Deem and Gary Wilson. I started with that "courage from autosuggestion" let's call it, I felt like I could do it in a few months. But then 1 relapse, another one, another one, bingeing like crazy, I've become depressed and started to doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I know what to do but I can't do it. I'm too obsessed with pleasure, that's the fucking problem. I don't do it everyday, I don't do it as self-medication anymore, I just do it for pleasure. I wait days to built up the urges and then do it. However, in the last 2 weeks or so, I've been completely asexual. I can't turn myself on, I can't have urges. You could say "Alright, then why are you doing it if you don't have urges?" The answer: I am obsessed about pleasure. I want to experience pleasure. I start edging, in a desperate attempt to turn myself on. It didn't work and I despaired. I don't know, man, I'm doing this wrong.

Yeah man. This was something I was facing too. I would resolve every day to fight and get rid of this addiction once and for all but just after that particular moment of resolve I would give up and start binge-watching P. My very first post about myself was a result of a PMO session, I thought I would feel good  after sharing everything but as soon as I posted, I shut down my laptop and began watching P in my smartphone. The 3 days following that were also spent in multiple PMO sessions. I was in despair and wanted to get rid of this, I had to make a tough decision for myself. The source of P for me was my smartphone. I rarely watched P on my laptop. I gave my smartphone to my mother and bought a brick phone for myself. I knew that laptop is also one of the sources but to be precise it is the internet which is the source for me. I am using filters on my laptop, have confined the duration of use to 1 hour btw 4 pm to 5 pm and use my sibling's smartphone for internet access so if I am alone with my laptop I do not have access to the internet. Getting far away from accessing the P has worked well for me. I am on a good streak and even when there are low days, urges I am forced to face it in a natural way. Try getting away from P, when your brain realizes that it can no longer have the pleasure it lets you control itself.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 06:54:20 AM


Yeah man. This was something I was facing too. I would resolve every day to fight and get rid of this addiction once and for all but just after that particular moment of resolve I would give up and start binge-watching P. My very first post about myself was a result of a PMO session, I thought I would feel good  after sharing everything but as soon as I posted, I shut down my laptop and began watching P in my smartphone. The 3 days following that were also spent in multiple PMO sessions. I was in despair and wanted to get rid of this, I had to make a tough decision for myself. The source of P for me was my smartphone. I rarely watched P on my laptop. I gave my smartphone to my mother and bought a brick phone for myself. I knew that laptop is also one of the sources but to be precise it is the internet which is the source for me. I am using filters on my laptop, have confined the duration of use to 1 hour btw 4 pm to 5 pm and use my sibling's smartphone for internet access so if I am alone with my laptop I do not have access to the internet. Getting far away from accessing the P has worked well for me. I am on a good streak and even when there are low days, urges I am forced to face it in a natural way. Try getting away from P, when your brain realizes that it can no longer have the pleasure it lets you control itself.
Yeah, man. I really need to recalculate everything. I haven't been doing this right.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Kaingang on February 12, 2019, 11:32:58 AM
Hey Blue.

The same thing I suggested to Change I'll suggest to you...

Without blockers it's so much harder to stay away from P. even more at this early stage of reboot.

So I'm going to tell you what I've been using and that's helped me

On the phone: App called BlockSite (you can block your favorite porn sites manually and there is also a button to block adult content in general).

On the computer: I installed a blocker in the Google Chrome called Adult Blocker and uninstalled/blocked the other browsers in my notebook.

I hope this can help you. Take care!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 11:36:18 AM
Hey Blue.

The same thing I suggested to Change I'll suggest to you...

Without blockers it's so much harder to stay away from P. even more at this early stage of reboot.

So I'm going to tell you what I've been using and that's helped me

On the phone: App called BlockSite (you can block your favorite porn sites manually and there is also a button to block adult content in general).

On the computer: I installed a blocker in the Google Chrome called Adult Blocker and uninstalled/blocked the other browsers in my notebook.

I hope this can help you. Take care!
I would need something that blocks P in general cause I don't know all the websites. I know some but, when I watch P, I don't go straight to that website. I wrote the names on google and then go to the website that has it. You know what I mean?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Kaingang on February 12, 2019, 07:40:16 PM
yes! but the both apps that I said to you have the two options: add websites and block porn sites in general..
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 05:59:52 AM
yes! but the both apps that I said to you have the two options: add websites and block porn sites in general..
That's great.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 13, 2019, 06:04:51 AM
Hey Blue.

The same thing I suggested to Change I'll suggest to you...

Without blockers it's so much harder to stay away from P. even more at this early stage of reboot.

So I'm going to tell you what I've been using and that's helped me

On the phone: App called BlockSite (you can block your favorite porn sites manually and there is also a button to block adult content in general).

On the computer: I installed a blocker in the Google Chrome called Adult Blocker and uninstalled/blocked the other browsers in my notebook.

I hope this can help you. Take care!

Thanks man. I've started using a brick phone and don't have a smartphone so accessing P on phone is not a thing I can do. And for the notebook, I have turned on the filter in my antivirus software so it also helps, however, I'm still gonna do what you have suggested - installing blocker on chrome, and blocking other browsers. I have one question though, how do you block the other browsers? through the options in the OS or some other software? Thanks in advance. ;D
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 13, 2019, 07:24:24 AM
DAY #19

Clean without cravings.

Yesterday, after making an entry to the journal I spent a good amount of time on YBOP and it was so enlighting. Half of the thoughts I have had are induced by P. The "right thing" my brain suggested was nothing but my prefrontal cortex telling to be rational while the "go get it" is obviously the primitive brain. P addiction has made the Go-get-it circuit strong and rational circuit weak. The simple solution is to follow the rational circuit to make it strong while the go-get-it weakens by itself. The go-get-it circuit will remain there so it's better to modify it too. The craving and flashback are the activations of go-get-it and the result was PMO, a better idea would be to train the brain for some good activities thus forming new circuits. I have tried imagining a big X with a buzzer sound when I get a flashback but I also plan to do some physical activity for these. The brain will crave the dopamine it used to get and the solution to this is to get the dopamine naturally - friend, family, outdoors etc. Apart from that doing exercises and meditation help enforce the prefrontal cortex circuitry i.e. getting better control over our minds. I gonna follow this strategy from now (everyone is doing this knowingly or unknowingly).

And today was another usual day however I was able to improve a bit, I woke up half an hour earlier to what I usually do bearing in mind the reinforcement of the prefrontal cortex circuitry or simply doing the right thing as I called it earlier. I did exercise and meditation but would love to hear your suggestion on how to improve them. For the exercise, I do some yoga and calisthenics, the yoga is not a problem but I am struggling with calisthenics, any suggestions on that? and also on meditation?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 07:31:22 AM
DAY #19

Clean without cravings.

Yesterday, after making an entry to the journal I spent a good amount of time on YBOP and it was so enlighting. Half of the thoughts I have had are induced by P. The "right thing" my brain suggested was nothing but my prefrontal cortex telling to be rational while the "go get it" is obviously the primitive brain. P addiction has made the Go-get-it circuit strong and rational circuit weak. The simple solution is to follow the rational circuit to make it strong while the go-get-it weakens by itself. The go-get-it circuit will remain there so it's better to modify it too. The craving and flashback are the activations of go-get-it and the result was PMO, a better idea would be to train the brain for some good activities thus forming new circuits. I have tried imagining a big X with a buzzer sound when I get a flashback but I also plan to do some physical activity for these. The brain will crave the dopamine it used to get and the solution to this is to get the dopamine naturally - friend, family, outdoors etc. Apart from that doing exercises and meditation help enforce the prefrontal cortex circuitry i.e. getting better control over our minds. I gonna follow this strategy from now (everyone is doing this knowingly or unknowingly).

And today was another usual day however I was able to improve a bit, I woke up half an hour earlier to what I usually do bearing in mind the reinforcement of the prefrontal cortex circuitry or simply doing the right thing as I called it earlier. I did exercise and meditation but would love to hear your suggestion on how to improve them. For the exercise, I do some yoga and calisthenics, the yoga is not a problem but I am struggling with calisthenics, any suggestions on that? and also on meditation?
I struggle with getting rid of the desire for pleasure. When urges built up, I lose control and all I think about is what great pleasure will come if I act on those urges.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 14, 2019, 06:02:56 AM
DAY #20

Clean without cravings.

The days seem to pass pretty easily. My muscles were sore because of yesterday's routine so I decided to skip the exercise for today. Nights have been weird, I don't know when I fall asleep but it takes its own time after I go to bed, and mornings have been pretty lazy. I think I am oversleeping. I have started to work on controlling myself - skipping the sweet dish if I know it not good for me, studying when I have too irrespective of my mood etc. small things but seems to work for now. I have entered the 3rd week of the reboot and it's 17th clean day today. I would say the 2nd week had some troubles for me but till now 3rd week seems normal. For most of the fellow rebooters 3rd and 4th week have been the toughest and this is where some of them have relapsed. These are days when the protein binding the PMO circuitry starts to break. I am waiting to tackle the challenge head-on and get over it!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 14, 2019, 10:33:22 AM
Keep going man, that a great thing that you've reach this point!!

Stay strong and we're here if you need support :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Circle on February 14, 2019, 12:25:53 PM
Good work man! Stay strong, you sound like you will power right through the next few weeks. Your brain is already changing and soon enough you'll be on autopilot - the days will fly by :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 15, 2019, 06:12:14 AM
Thank you @Rebooter2019, your constant support means a lot.

Thanks @ circle, the brain is definitely changing. It feels like I have started to control the brain rather than the brain controlling me all the time however it still tries to dominate once in a while. Gotta work on that.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 15, 2019, 06:29:55 AM
DAY #21

Clean with some cravings.

I did the meditation and yoga today. I have decided to split the calisthenics and yoga routine which I used to do together at one go. Yoga and meditation will be the part of the morning routine as to have a smooth and calm start of the day while the calisthenics would be in the evening as I have to get the energy out somewhere and also to make myself fit and well built (Any suggestion Yoga/Meditation/Calisthenic routine from your side is most welcomed!!).

The cravings I faced today were mostly due to a girl I saw and after that, there were weak cravings whenever I would have some dead time be it for a minute only. I was able to overcome these craving by getting myself busy with the work. Another thing that I have noticed is that my bathroom is somehow acting as a trigger. It's weird as I rarely did anything P related there. Maybe it's the fact that earlier my biggest trigger was being alone, in private, where I am assured that no one would see me and the bathroom is definitely such a place. At present, I am not worried about it much as somehow I am able to stop my mind from wandering here and there. One thing which I am yet to face is being alone which had caused the triggers in past. It is the most basic challenge which I have to pass in order to get over this addiction.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 15, 2019, 01:06:53 PM
Love to see your progress! I'm really happy to do it when I feel that it can help you even a tiny bit! We're all in this together... if one win we all benefits and win indirectly. That's how I see it!

I think your routine is good. I don't do yoga. For the calisthenic training, I do it in the morning where I have the most amount of energy available! It's my personal preference though and maybe not something I would suggest to most people! The reason is I really kill myself with the training, so I can be really tired after such training. At the same time it help me start my journey with something I'm really proud to have done.

So it's a tradeof that I'm willing to do ;)

Keep going brother, you're on the right track that's for sure!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 16, 2019, 05:40:08 AM
Thanks @Rebooter2019, I can sure get benefitted by your thoughts on meditation. How's your progress with that?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 16, 2019, 05:52:08 AM
DAY #22

Clean without cravings.

The was good, I did yoga and meditation but the yoga I have been doing is sort of a combination of yoga and calisthenics. I need to find a proper route to these two. I'll be doing my digging on the subjects and hope to make a proper routine for myself soon. The meditation has been good I guess, I am able to get a few minutes of NO-THINKING time but after that, it's just bombardment of thoughts. These random (clean) thoughts in my head did not let me sleep yesterday and I am also having a bit of headache in the forehead and sometimes on top of the head, I do feel my brain changing now. I get a feeling that I would be subjected to the alone time in the upcoming days, then I feel like I am stressing too much on this. Hope to get over it whenever it appears.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 17, 2019, 07:28:04 AM
DAY #23

Clean with flashbacks.

I had an important test today and the entire day went by without much. I wasn't able to do yoga or meditation as I left for the test in the early morning. What seems to be interesting to me are the late night headache and flashback and early morning flashbacks. I think it was because I wasn't well prepared for the test and my brain was trying to pull me towards P using this as an excuse. I won't be doing much in the evening (post making the entry to journal) as I hope to rest for while. Ain't gonna watch anime, learned the lesson from last Sunday.

Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 17, 2019, 08:18:45 PM
Thanks @Rebooter2019, I can sure get benefitted by your thoughts on meditation. How's your progress with that?

I made good progress. I can get to the zone much faster now. Plus, I can reach more than an hour of meditation where before I was simply unable to!

Hope everything went well for your test. Keep going my fiend!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 18, 2019, 05:30:30 AM
DAY #24

RELAPSED.

The day didn't start good, wet dream and a dream about watching P were the first two things in the morning. Later on, I was doing yoga but skipped it in the middle. I knew my sibling had some plans today and knew I would be alone for good 3-4 hours. I initially planned to do something as not relapse but couldn't come up with anything by the time I was alone. There were cravings to watch P after that, it was more like "This is what you do whenever you are alone, do it!". I was able to relax for a while, sat there fighting the urges for 1 and a half hour, till I gave up to the idea of watching anime. I knew somewhere in my mind that it's not gonna be anime I end up with. Started using the laptop, the next thing I am doing is watching P and ending up in MO. I did not binge but it was intermittent. I feel bad about today. Throughout that one and a half hour of struggle, I was saying to myself "I don't wanna write RELAPSE, I wanna right FAUGHT AND WON" but I hadn't planned anything for this "alone-time" of mine and ended up relapsing.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 18, 2019, 11:09:04 AM
Man, it's a bump nothing more, don't be too hard on yourself! You're stronger than when you started, so just get back in with us, my friend!

We're here with you!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Circle on February 18, 2019, 12:40:50 PM
My strongest motivation to quit (after 2 months of scattered relapses)came from this line of thinking:
"If I don't stop relapsing, if I don't quit porn for good, I will NEVER have sex with a woman, I will NEVER have a normal sex drive, and I will always wonder if the attraction I have towards women is real or porn-induced."

Tying the craving for pleasure (I 100% understand the feeling of them building up until you've lost all control and you're relapsing) to this horrible fate helped me. I had to get rid of the "pmo/fantasies are a normal thing, I just do them too much!" line of thinking as my brain was clearly too vulnerable to the relapsing urges.

The next time you feel the urges bubbling up, tell yourself:

"No. I don't want this. I don't do that anymore. It's not real sex. I want real sex and real women." Then take deep breaths, tell yourself you can't fantasize and clear your mind of everything until you feel balanced again.

This really worked for me. Your brain wants pleasure in the way you used to give it: PMO. But it also does still want real women, sex and relationships. You just have to remind it that those are more pleasurable and more healthy

And if all else fails, get any kind of exercise you can, it should clear your thoughts.

Good luck.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Kaingang on February 19, 2019, 06:40:06 AM
"This is what you do whenever you are alone, do it!"

This thought of doing something simply because that's what you've always done is quite treacherous and it's what keeps old and harmful habits.

You've been cleaned for over 20 days and that's is great. You can do it again and go further. Come back to our boat and next time that the thought "do what you always did" arise think next:"This is what I've always done but this time I'm going to do it differently". Only in this way the vicious circle is broken. Stay strong. We are with you!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 19, 2019, 07:31:43 AM
Thanks Rebooter, Circle, and Kaingang. Yesterday was a big bump for sure, I was quiet for the rest of the day and many negative thoughts kept on emerging, the thought of making it up to 20 days helped a lot. Counting the days was a big motivation, I am gonna do that from now on. I used to relapse every third or fourth day and 20 day is an achievement for me. Also, I realized that beating myself on this relapse is not something that would help me move ahead, I have to keep on moving no matter what happens in my life. Although this particular thought appeared after several hours of self-criticism. Hope it stays there for a long time.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 19, 2019, 08:26:24 AM
DAY #25

1st clean day

Didn't do much today. Woke up a bit late. The day started slow but gradually I picked up the pace. I didn't do calisthenics and meditation but intermittent studies were there, talked to many friends and was happy for the whole time. Definitely, today was the day I took a step back from the fight to reclaim my peace. I took some steps to prevent what had happened, now I am completely dependent on my sibling for accessing the internet. I feel that these are only the precautions I can take and not the solution to the problem, I have to work on myself. Another thing I realized is that I had lost the aim for a while, I was focused on the test I had a few days back and it had helped me stay clean, I have to do that again, getting myself emerged in the work. I was waiting for the replies on yesterday's post, I knew I would get motivated by you guys. Thanks for that.

Looking forward to the next day, and get back to the fight again.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 20, 2019, 06:50:50 AM
DAY #26

2nd clean day.

It's my birthday today. My parents came to the house, the entire day is going to be spent with them. I talked to a lot of my friends, gonna celebrate the evening with family. Nothing else. Tomorrow's a new day, looking forward to it.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: pruthukkc on February 20, 2019, 11:21:39 AM
DAY #26

2nd clean day.

It's my birthday today. My parents came to the house, the entire day is going to be spent with them. I talked to a lot of my friends, gonna celebrate the evening with family. Nothing else. Tomorrow's a new day, looking forward to it.

Happy Birthday bro!May you completely reboot this year and live happy peaceful life :) You are really inspiration for us keep update your journal :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 20, 2019, 12:32:13 PM
DAY #26

2nd clean day.

It's my birthday today. My parents came to the house, the entire day is going to be spent with them. I talked to a lot of my friends, gonna celebrate the evening with family. Nothing else. Tomorrow's a new day, looking forward to it.

Hey!! Happy birthday brother! You're giving yourself the most wonderful gift right now by Rebooting. Continue and may you completely recover to have a much better life. A life you build yourself :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rakses on February 20, 2019, 03:05:21 PM
Happy Birthday my booooiii. I wish u all the best
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 21, 2019, 07:14:48 AM
Thank you guys.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 21, 2019, 07:15:31 AM
DAY #27

RELAPSE.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 21, 2019, 09:15:18 AM
It's normal man you have the chaser effect! Watch out the next days, but keep going don't let yourself get discourage!! You can do it man, just get back on track without being to hard on yourself.

We're here with you, you're not alone!! You'll skullcrush this addiction man!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: pruthukkc on February 21, 2019, 12:11:20 PM
It's normal man you have the chaser effect! Watch out the next days, but keep going don't let yourself get discourage!! You can do it man, just get back on track without being to hard on yourself.

We're here with you, you're not alone!! You'll skullcrush this addiction man!!

Can you explain in brief what is chaser effect?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 21, 2019, 12:55:00 PM
It's normal man you have the chaser effect! Watch out the next days, but keep going don't let yourself get discourage!! You can do it man, just get back on track without being to hard on yourself.

We're here with you, you're not alone!! You'll skullcrush this addiction man!!

Can you explain in brief what is chaser effect?

When you have an orgasm, your body want more so he send you more urges, more craving and more sexual thoughts to get to to relapse again!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 22, 2019, 06:05:36 AM
DAY #28

Binge on an anime show.

It was definitely a substitute, so I'm not gonna call it a clean day. Thanks for the information on the chaser effect, I didn't know anything about it.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 22, 2019, 12:23:15 PM
DAY #28

Binge on an anime show.

It was definitely a substitute, so I'm not gonna call it a clean day. Thanks for the information on the chaser effect, I didn't know anything about it.
You're welcome man! It cannot always be easy, get back in with us! Do your best to stay away from all of this!

Stay strong brother!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 23, 2019, 06:48:32 AM
Thank you rebooter
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 23, 2019, 06:51:43 AM
DAY #29

1st Clean day.

Woke up, went to the class, came back, watched an episode of anime while having lunch, brain wanted to binge on it, I stopped myself, turned off the laptop, started studying then slept for a while. A small but much needed day.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 23, 2019, 05:54:10 PM
DAY #29

1st Clean day.

Woke up, went to the class, came back, watched an episode of anime while having lunch, brain wanted to binge on it, I stopped myself, turned off the laptop, started studying then slept for a while. A small but much needed day.
That's it man!! Sometimes the mind need to be at rest. Just be careful not to make it a default mode. Keep going man, you can do it!

Stay strong :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 24, 2019, 07:27:00 AM
DAY #30

No MO but came across a nude.

I couldn't sleep last night, maybe I slept for only 3 hours or so. The night was weird, I craved love, I felt this sudden need for someone to tell me that she cares for me, that she loves (platonic) me. That "she" was one of my closest friends, I haven't met her in a while nor talked to her. I thought I missed her and started texting her, I told her that  I miss her and that she means a lot to me  but when I didn't get the reply which I was accepting (just the  reciprocation of feelings), I felt that I do not miss her I just wanted to hear that she cares about me, that there are people who care about me. The rest of the night was filled with similar thoughts. There's a big hole inside me which craves loves, but no matter how many people I put inside it, it keeps on expanding. Unless I love myself, I won't be able to love anyone else or to appreciate the love others are giving to me. When I woke up at 4 am in the morning with these thoughts, I wasn't able to fall asleep again. I stayed awake, started studying. Around 9 am, I called another friend of mine just to wake her up and wish her a good morning (that's it). It felt pretty good. I called one of my guy friends but of course, that asshole preferred to sleep instead of picking up my call (as expected of him). Overall it was a good experience, I don't know why I did it, It felt like my brain was on autopilot but it felt good.

I went to the class, came back and met a few friends.
I came back home, opened the messenger on my laptop to text one of my friends, her name is the same as that of one of the actresses. While typing in her name in the search bar, the messenger showed a channel named after the actress, I clicked the channel, that channel had a morphed image of the actress, my brain went all YEAH!! I searched for 2 more actresses, the 1st one was clean and while searching for the 2nd one I closed the messenger before anything could have appeared. I do not want to count it as a clean day and I have to be careful about the rest of the day.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 24, 2019, 08:48:23 AM
Yeah, be careful and keep yourself busy! Never forget that you have to love yourself, because you can't really love someone else if it's not the case.

When you don't love yourself, what you think of love toward other people is only the reflection of what you would like to have for yourself! It is only when you really love yourself that you can give it to other!

Stay strong, my friend!! We're here if you need us :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: 15December18 on February 24, 2019, 04:25:09 PM
DAY #13

Clean with no cravings.

Slept well. No random thoughts troubling me. I have started to have some insights about my behavior and usual day-to-day actions. I never really paid any attention to them earlier but now I am able to easily notice them. It feels like my brain is always on alert to watch out for anything which "I SHOULD BE DOING BUT I AM AVOIDING" and one slight hint from the brain is enough to get me doing it most of the time. The next step is to make a schedule and get all the important things done which need dedicated time slots.
The rest of the day was normal, I was a bit productive as I was doing what I should have done.
Looking forward to the next day!

I too am sleeping better than I have since I started watching porn aged 13 or so. It is one of the simplest things and yet it improves one's quality of life immensely. Yeah ever since I started my reboot I have faced issue after issue productively, so much was hidden by those dopamine triggering videos. Good man with the schedules. I make a To-Do list every morning, and it means I get a lot more done. Keep the strength to resist temptation to PMO, and keep on this life enhancing path.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 25, 2019, 06:40:30 AM
Thanks rebooter. At first, I couldn't really understand what it means to love myself, is it the treating yourself with the things you love or something else. I was never the guy to enjoy doing something alone, the movies, outings etc. were all with friends always and I liked it that way only, so it was always difficult to accept that the typical definition of loving myself. The version I have accepted for myself is putting myself first, I often did things for others if they wanted it and even when I didn't feel like doing it, now I am trying to put my choices first. If I don't want to do something, it's a no for them and that's not gonna change no matter what their argument is. I am trying to do things because I want to do it and not because I have to do it because of someone or something. It is something that I have started after the recent relapse and the thoughts I had. I hope to cherish this idea for as long as I could.

@15december18, I haven't been good with the To-Do lists or schedule, the only time I could stick to the schedule and complete the task at the hand was when I was chasing this certain goal of mine and was sure to achieve it, this was also the time when I was clean for over a month I guess. I hope to make a schedule for myself and stick to it. Thanks for quoting the older post, it reminds me of what I have to do. DO THINGS THAT I SHOULD BE DOING.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 25, 2019, 06:50:21 AM
DAY #31

2nd  Clean day

I slept well, a deep sleep took all the unnecessary thoughts away. Woke up pretty much clean, It felt like as if I was meditating while I slept. Thoughts were clearer and were focused on the right things- works and productivity. I didn't do exercise or meditation today but I am not worried about it much as I plan to take things slow this time. Later on, I went to the class, it was peaceful, I found my mind wandering very often from one chain of thoughts to others. This happens often but the new thing today was that I consciously noticed it instead of going with the flow and not being able to stop it. It is a quiet day but it feels good.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 26, 2019, 07:07:20 AM
DAY #32

3rd Clean day.

Just another usual day.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 27, 2019, 07:43:25 AM
DAY #33

4th Clean day.

Nothing much happened, was busy with the classes and some other work.
I have been watching animes(clean) lately whenever I am alone. I don't think it is a problem as I didn't have any urges and avoid getting the secrecy by keeping the doors always open. But somewhere I feel it is not the right thing to do, whenever I open my laptop to watch some shows a part of my brains says not to do it. Watching it when some part of me says no to is giving in to the urges and it has never been good to do so. I do not intend to watch animes (for the time being) but I do not know how to proceed with it. I haven't been doing meditation and exercise, so nothing has been achieved since the last relapse. I have confined myself to the comfort zone of mine and once something impeaches this zone, I know for sure I would fall back to the devil again.

I gotta be strong, I have to step out of my shell and win it.

Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 27, 2019, 09:37:48 AM
Yeah, I've been watching a show lately(clean one). I feel pretty much the same about that because that's making me not meditate as much, but at the same time it makes me laugh... so I'm kind of mix about it!

What's bugging me is the impression of replacing an addiction for another. Don't if you got the same feelling? That's one of the reasons to why I don't really play video games for now... the other being that it is one thing that was triggering boringness!

Stay strong man!! You're well on the way!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Kaingang on February 27, 2019, 04:12:26 PM
Good to know you're strong again after your chaser effect. For me this effect lasted for longer unfortunately, but I hope to return to clean days like you and have better days. Stay strong, man.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 28, 2019, 07:15:29 AM
Thank you guys.

@Rebooter2019, Yeah, I feel the same way. Using substitutes ain't a good idea.

@kaingang, looking forward to your gains to brother.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 28, 2019, 07:29:10 AM
DAY #34

5th Clean day.

The day was nothing different. I didn't do exercise and meditation today and there were some urges but I was able to identify them and control them before they could have taken over the brain. I used my laptop for most of the time when I was alone. This was surely the reason for urges. I hope to fix that.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 28, 2019, 01:41:02 PM
I used my laptop for most of the time when I was alone. This was surely the reason for urges. I hope to fix that.

That's the reason to why I haven't use my gaming computer in a looong time(around 1 and 1/2 month) I'm afraid it start to trigger cravings!...

My guess is that it would fix itself after long enough, when your brain won't be associating the laptop to P like me with my gaming computer!

Stay strong brother
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 01, 2019, 05:32:31 AM
DAY #35

6th Day clean.

Went to the class, came back. Instead of using the laptop, tried to rest for a while and let the things settle down. Had some fantasies going on as this one super cute girl in the class was interested in me. I have decided not to indulge in love, sex, relationships for a while. At present all the choices I make are influenced in these spheres are influenced by the P-addiction, so I think it would be best for me to keep them on hold till I get over this addiction or get clarity about them. While I didn't use the laptop as I used yesterday. I did access my facebook account, It was deactivated for a long time. I had the urge to talk to someone or rather to chat with someone, but none of my friends are in the city where live, I compulsively accessed the FB account. I looked at my timeline, it had the photos of my college days and I was happy to see them. Soon, I deactivated my facebook profile again, as there was no one I would really chat to there.

Though I used Facebook today without any real purpose but I do not have any regrets about it rather I feel happy that it brought back many memories. I do not plan to compulsively use it any further, real friends would be way better than that.

I haven't done exercise or meditation today but I plan to do them in the evening.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 02, 2019, 10:00:04 AM
DAY #36

7th Day Clean.

I wasn't feeling good for the last two days. I was having suicidal thoughts, not like "I want to die" but rather "please someone kill me". It was very difficult for me to maintain normal behavior. I bought a notebook dairy for myself and started writing my thoughts in it, though mostly negative but I believe it helped. I live with my sibling, she was going through some stress lately and to run away from that she started binging on some of her favorite tv shows. It made me very sad to see her using this wicked coping mechanism (as I do in form of P). It broke me. I told her to stop and face the problem but she resorted to them anyway. Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore and I cried while telling her to stop. It did stop her but also made me realize many things about myself. While telling her to stop I said: "You are the only person I talk to and get some sense of socialization, If you keep on watching the series, whom I would talk to, I am all alone". These lines were something I thought I would say, they came out from my mouth without my realization. She did agree that I am lonely, I got friends but I don't talk to them much, I do not hang out with anyone except her when she asks me to and it was a reality check for me. I never realized that whenever I claimed to have friends, it was nothing but people I had with me in the past and now they are gone. I was heartbreaking to realize this and it still troubles me. All the relations in life do not just happen, they need constant effort and time to stay strong. I ignored my friends and now they are gone, If I want to win them over, I need to put an effort into the relationships again. For now, I have decided two things -

Friday - Call a friend who is in a distant place.

Saturday - Meet a friend who is nearby.

Coming back today, as I have mentioned that I wasn't feeling good for the last two days, I decided to meet my parents today and went home as early as possible. Spent the entire day with my parents, realized that I tend to isolate myself from them too. I talked to my mother but wasn't that open to my father (nothing abnormal in the relationship, I'm just close to my mother). Nothing else happened, no urges, no cravings for today. I want to work on my relationships for the time being.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 03, 2019, 08:08:17 AM
DAY #37

P without MO

Things were going alright but I stumbled upon something then searched for hot pics(no nudity) then to visited some confession pages, some of the confessions were about their sexual life/secrets and it eventually was a P read for me. I did not dwell in them much but definitely exposed myself to artificial stimulation that too of erotic nature. Hence, counting it as a relapse and resetting the counter.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on March 03, 2019, 08:41:17 PM
It can be hard sometime, but the good thing is that you didn't MO. Be careful for the next few days though!

You can do it man! I'm almost at 2 weeks now! If I've been able to do it! You sure can do it!! Stay strong brother!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 07, 2019, 07:12:26 AM
Thanks for the support rebooter. But sadly I relapsed again.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 07, 2019, 07:18:50 AM
DAY #41

Relapsed
Day 38 was clean. On day 39 I relapsed and it was followed by the relapses on day 40 and 41 also. Don't wanna say anything more than that.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on March 10, 2019, 06:47:27 AM
Doesn't matter brother! Get back with us, we're here with you! There's always hard moment! Get back up and busy so you can think about something else!!

Stay strong and don't beat yourself for the bump you may have!!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: BlueHeronFan on March 11, 2019, 08:11:04 PM
Sorry to hear about the relapse! I had a slip this past week, and one of the things that I realized was that I always give up on the good things I'm doing when I relapse, as if I thought they didn't actually work. But I know that they all did help in different ways, so I'm trying to make sure I recommit to the healthy habits (meditation, planning, filters on my internet, etc.).

I don't know if I'm saying it clearly, but just keep at it! A relapse doesn't mean your efforts weren't paying off, so don't give up on the good you were doing. Just fill the gaps in your defenses and move forward!
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on March 15, 2019, 10:07:38 AM
Thank you Rebooter and BlueHeronFan.
The relapse was worst and really shook me up. I have installed filters to make sure and restricted the laptop to a bare minimum so that I don't access porn over my laptop. Things were good even after that. I managed to get see some nudes somehow on two occasions,  though I did not follow exposure to MO but that guilt for me and for my brain, not receiving the pleasure which it usually got really made me go crazy. I was angry for no reason and there were plenty of negative thoughts. Somehow I initiated a conversation about it with my sibling in a cryptic way. The discussion turned from cryptic porn issue to some other issue, and it was heartfelt conservation. I felt good after it and things have been normal since then. I am yet to adopt a good lifestyle hence the problem is not solved yet. I will take the necessary steps in days to come.
Your support has something which kept me focused on the issue, prevented me from going crazy and feeling uncontrolled. This forum has always reminded me that this addiction is something I have to fight and win over and I can do that. Thanks a lot, guys. I won't be continuing to post here on a daily basis but once in a while, I feel this is to be a right approach for me for now as I want to minimize the laptop use. However, I still will be checking out your journals and do look forward to your support when I feel down.
All the best guys. We can win this.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Rebooter2019 on March 15, 2019, 08:33:36 PM
Hey blueRacoon, it's awesome that you had a conversation about that even if it was cryptic! Sometime it's all that's needed to ease the mind.

The lifestyle is vital in my opinion. Get a good one and this addiction will be way easier to get rid of.

I'm happy if I was of help to you in your process of getting PMO free! I will continue as you post! Btw, I approve 100% to not post daily! I've been posting ever 2 or 3 days recently, mainly because I've updated my lifestyle and it's much better now! I'm currently on my 25th day and barely think about P. Thanks to my caution avoidance of the trigger and my improved lifestyle.

We'll be here if you need support brother :)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on June 07, 2019, 05:16:35 AM
Things didn't change much. I haven't taken a single step forward since I left the forum for a while. I relapsed yesterday. I had been watching porn without masturbating to it for weeks before this relapse. It was really hard for me to come back here, I felt a bit of resistance within myself before I could say something. It feels like a confession to all of you that I have been doing absolutely nothing about this addiction. I might be ranting about this addiction now but I don't know what else to do. It gets tough to keep myself on the track all alone. I do not enjoy porn anymore, nor I deliberately wish to watch it but whenever I'm alone all I would do is watch porn while thinking somewhere in my mind that its not worth it anymore. I do not know what to do. I often try to act all strong and fake it for most of the time but inside I'm all confused and scared.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: achilles heel on June 07, 2019, 12:51:46 PM
It was really hard for me to come back here, I felt a bit of resistance within myself before I could say something. It feels like a confession to all of you that I have been doing absolutely nothing about this addiction.

If overcoming this addiction was easy, we weren't all here writing journals online about how we can't quit by ourselves. Coming back is a sign of strength, of not giving up and not just accepting being addicted but trying to overcome this problem.

Start again, try to learn from your mistakes in the past and eliminate obstacles step by step. A relapse might even be helpful, if you identify the circumstances that lead to relapsing and change them.

Don't hesitate in using all restrictions possible, we're addicts, we're not in control and without changes in our enviroment we won't succeed because will power is not enough - otherwise it wasn't an addiction  ;)
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on June 11, 2019, 08:03:32 AM
Thank you. I needed that.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on June 11, 2019, 08:21:45 AM
I don't remember what attempt or days it is. So starting afresh with day #1

DAY #1

It wasn't clean. I masturbated without porn out of compulsion.

NSFW
Yesterday I had watched porn and PMOed. Today might be a chaser but  I was fine until I saw something I had imagined I could make my flashlight with. I was immediately taken over by the impulses and started to masturbate using it. When I realized that it wasn't going to work as I thought it would, I humped a pillow and got myself relieved. After having orgasmed, I didn't really know what made me do it and was trying to figure out the trigger for a while and then recalled having seen that flashlight of mine. My brain getting on autopilot happens a lot with me and obviously, it is the addiction.

SAFE
Another thing I need to confirm with you guys is that my brain seems to be always out of my control. I can not stop it from thinking things I don't want to (not necessarily porn). It seems to connect the dots very rapidly. I used to listen to songs a lot and my brain has this bad habit of bringing up the songs as per the situation I am in. When I relapse and feel guilty "I don't wanna live forever" by Zyan Malik plays in my mind, when I deeply realize my addiction the lines "When I finally got sober, I felt 10 years older" from "I took a pill in Ibiza" plays. Another thing with my brain is that everything seems to leave a deep impact if I watch porn for the day, it will keep on popping up in my brain and I would dream about it too. Similar things happen if I study for the day, watch a movie or do something, else, those activities would stay for the day and my brain would connect everything with them and try to bring the memories of it. I think these all are the result of porn.
Have you had similar experiences?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: Lero on June 11, 2019, 09:59:51 AM
It's happened to my anxiety a lot of times. It was like I knew what I had to do to calm down my anxiety but no matter what I tried, it didn't seem to leave me alone. Probably because the brain was fried with all this fucking P. I can't wait to see how my life will be without this stupid thing in it.
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: achilles heel on June 11, 2019, 04:41:27 PM
My brain getting on autopilot happens a lot with me and obviously, it is the addiction.

...

Have you had similar experiences?

Are you getting enough sleep? I experience the same during the first month of rebooting when drunk or tired, my guards are low and the brain switches to autopilot. When I further advance in days clean my self control increases.

Is it possible for you to avoid situations where you go "autopilot"? Do you have emergency strategies to leave home and go for a walk when that feeling arises?
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on June 13, 2019, 08:25:31 AM
I am having trouble sleeping since 2 days mainly due to anxiety, my sleep cycle has been shifted by 2-3 hours.

DAY #2
Clean.
I talked to one of my friends for nearly 2 hours out of anxiety.

DAY #3
Relapse
Title: Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
Post by: blueRaccoon on June 14, 2019, 08:05:31 AM
DAY #1

Clean.