Reboot Nation

Reboot Nation Forum => Partners of Rebooters and Addicts => Topic started by: Devastated72 on December 26, 2018, 09:11:12 AM

Title: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on December 26, 2018, 09:11:12 AM
I’m so pleased I have found this site and I’m really hoping any of you can offer any advice. I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and we have 2 children together (15&20).
I have always had a high sex drive and my husband hasn’t. But I kinda accepted that because I love him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Even in the beginning sex was around once per week but we had a good relationship. Over the years it has gotten less and less and we have been in what is known as a sexless marriage (less than 10 times per year) for at least 10 years. It has not been easy and I have cried myself to sleep so many many times. I love sex and intimacy and I have had conversations with my husband about all of this. I have never belittled him or been nasty about it  but have explained my feelings in a loving manner and have not tried to make him feel bad. I think I have been a loving and understanding wife. Many times we have had this conversation and my husband has sworn he just doesn’t have a sexual drive but would try harder to become more intimate. He said he loved me and does get turned on by me but is tired a lot of the time. Which I can understand to an extent but I couldn’t quite grasp the fact that he said I did turn him on but he never did anything about it. Believe me I have tried. He has a like for stockings and fishnets. He has even bought be them and I have got myself dressed up and come on to him and he has turned me down. I gave up with this a few years ago as I was deeply hurt by the rejection and felt unlovable unsexy and ugly. Again my husband used to say he was just tired. A few years into our marriage we got a computer and internet (late 90’s) and my husband would always stay up later (despite him being tired)! I found out that he was staying up late and watching porn. I was devastated as he had always said he didn’t have much of a sex drive so I believed even more he didn’t love or fancy me. He said he watched it but didn’t masturbate which I couldn’t understand and god knows why I naively believed him. But he was adamant he didn’t and I trusted him. Anyway I assumed it had stopped. I wasn’t that bothered about him watching porn but what bothered me was that he said he didn’t have a sex drive and if he did why would he watch that especially if he wasn’t masturbating with it and more to the point if he was getting turned on by porn why wasn’t he coming to me who had a high sex drive and was ready willing and able. I don’t have much self esteem as it is and this made me feel worse. But I suppose over the years I put my feelings aside and got on with life. I do love my husband and want to be with him forever even tho I know he doesn’t want sex as much as me. Anyway over the years sex got less and less to the point of non existent. Again every now and then I would bring the subject up and he would promise to change and sometimes even have sex within a few days of the conversation. I would think he was trying and live in hope it would last but the weeks would turn into months and then the months would turn into years. In he end I was not sleeping properly and would stay awake crying to myself. Our relationship was like flat mates rather than an intimate husband and wife. He would tell me he loved me and would give me a peck when he went to sleep and on his way to work and that was as far as it went. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve bawled my eyes out in private over our non sexual marriage but thought I didn’t want to pressure him as he used To say he felt bad and would try harder.
Recently over the past couple of years and even more so in the past 6months or so. We were more distant than ever. He seemed happy to get up go to work, come home lay on the sofa in front of tv, then go to bed and every day like ground hog day. I would run the household and basically do absolutely everything and always have done, even when the kids were younger it would be me on my own taking them out and doing things. But again I can’t stress about how much I love my husband and although not happy I can’t imagine my life without him.
Anyway last week (weds 19th Dec) I was clearing stuff and sorting laundry and came across an old phone of my husbands. He’s had his current one for a couple of years so I was confused as to why the old one was charged. I had began to wonder if he was having an affair because of our distant relationship so I looked into the phone. What I found absolutely floored me and I felt like my world collapsed. I found pages upon pages of shemale porn. I kinda went into shock and I can’t put into words how I felt. I felt like I was in a nightmare and would wake up. I rang my husband at work and asked him to come home (the children were out so it was the privacy we needed to discuss this). He came home and I said what had happened and that I wondered why his old phone was charged and asked him what he thought I had found. He didn’t try to deny anything and said ‘transsexual porn’ (at least he want denying it). I asked him to explain as I didn’t understand. He said that he had seen a picture of a shemale when he was a boy and was fascinated and since then has been turned on by shemales and regulary watched porn of this nature and masturbated. I mean, I appreciate his honesty with me but to say I am hurt and devastated is the understatement of the century. I didn’t freak out or kick off I sobbed and sobbed that I couldn’t catch my breath. He cuddled me and said he has been a shit husband and would I ever forgive him. I kept asking him why?? He said he wasn’t gay or bisexual but for some
Reason it really turned him
On. So I said ok and that although it was hard to trust anything he said I didn’t have much choice. But what really hurt me was the fact that he knew how upset I was over our sexless marriage and that all this time instead of having sex with me he was masturbating to shemale porn. I really really haven’t felt this bad ever. My world is floored. 23 years I have selflessly tried to understand his lack of a sex drive and tried to set this aside and lead a loving relationship with my husband and all of the time he has had a sex drive but instead of coming to his ready willing and able wife he has been pleasing himself over shemale porn.
I have no idea what to do or what to think. I feel like I can’t trust him and I don’t know what he really is. He has said he is not gay or bisexual and that he wants to be with me forever and (again) will try harder with our relationship and stop watching the porn and concentrate on me and have sex with me. But somehow I don’t believe this. I can’t, can I? If he wanted to have sex with me then why hasn’t he for years? I feel sick and ill that he has betrayed me all these years and feel used and hurt. He says he doesn’t have a problem and that we can pull together and sort through this. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just blank out the past 23 years and the lie I’ve been living with but I can’t because it has happened and I can’t switch off my mind and I can’t change my husband. Please somebody help me.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on December 26, 2018, 09:54:44 AM
Hello, and I am glad you found this site!  Your story has parts that sound exactly like my sory.  Married, husband goes to bed later, sex life sucks, take kids places, comes home from work, watches tv, stays up and on and on.  Fortunately, mine only watched HBO and Cinemax not on computer, but porn is porn.

I was heartbroken.  Literally a babbling mess.  My heart hurt like someone had stabbed me.  That was 7 years ago.  We are together and in love.  But, the walk to here was not easy.  It is work.

First go to Read everything in the tabs across the top and then read the blog material.  Tell your husband he needs to read them as well.  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, Love You Hate the Porn. Buy it and read it. These two things were what gave me hope.

Your will need to set boundries for your husband that will help you trust again.  So think about that, what will it take.  My first boundry was he and I go to bed at the same time and remain in bed all night.  For me that was non-negotiable.  Then I worked on others.

Your husband has a problem.  The hardest thing about this is he has to decide to get rid of porn. You cannot do that for him.  But take care of you.  Know that you have worth!  You are a mom, you are a caring person. You are important.   If you like, you can send me a private message as well.


Title: Re: Please help
Post by: aquarius25 on December 27, 2018, 01:25:58 PM
I would echo everything Gracie said! Love you hate porn is an amazing book! I would encourage you and your husband to read it. Then you guys can have a common language to discuss. Start a journal, even if you just write out all your emotions and you feel like you sound crazy, you are not crazy, you are processing and that is good. Just like Gracie I would agree there are so many parts of your story that sound like you were telling mine. The hurt is so deep, it is physical, I could feel literal hurt in my heart and it truly broke me in so many ways. People would tell me "It's not about me" " I shouldn't feel rejected" and "I will be ok, maybe even stronger". No matter how true those words were, I just couldn't even conceive of them. They seems so distant, so if you are feeling that was then know it's ok.

I would encourage you to write everything you want in life for you and your family. Write your hurt, all of it. Then as you start to process start writing baby steps to achieving the life you want. I know for myself in the first few months I really didn't know what I wanted, I was consumed by hurt and anger. I was so mad and frankly mean and bitter. It is ok to be upset but remember bitterness only destroys you more. He doesn't get to do that to you. You are worth more than that.

Another important step is a commitment to communication. If you are going to make this marriage work you have to communicate. He needs to admit he has an addiction. You both need to arm yourselves with education of what porn addiction is and how it effects the brain. That is imperative. He also needs to make a plan for how he is going to heal. If there is no accountability then it becomes very difficult for your relationship.  Know that him looking at shemale porn is his brain craving more drastic material for an endorphin hit, he is an addict. The stuff my husband would look at made my stomach turn and frankly made me almost vomit. There is no human in porn, it's just pixles. You as a non addict can't fully understand this because your brain is there. This part of understanding is so difficult and complex. Just remember, his recovery is his, he need to recover so you both can work on healing the relationship but you are not responsible for him. You work on you.

One last thing I will say is I am sorry. It completely sucks and you have every right to be angry, furious, and pissed off!!! I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing and I am sorry that there isn't something I can do to take this hurt away. I know this hurt well and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If I could hug you, share a cup of tea and let you cry I would. Know you are not alone. This addiction makes partners feel so isolated, rejected, and alone and hollow. Those are lies. You are not alone at all and you have support! I would encourage you to read some of the partners journals. Start your own as well. Feel free to comment in theirs and engage in the community here. You can direct message me as well! I am happy to help and encourage any way I can.

I am sorry that you are hurting but I am glad you found us!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on December 28, 2018, 05:56:33 AM
Thank you both for your replies to my pleas. I’m making myself ill over all of this. I can’t sleep and the little I have is broken naps. My stomach is so painful and feels like there’s a rock in it, my eyes and face are constantly puffy and swollen from crying so much. I just want this all to end. As each day goes by the hurt and betrayal becomes worse and little bits of memories come Back to times when he was probably masturbating while I was suffering. I have been speaking to my best friend and she is true and will tell me truth without trying to soften the blow but is honest with me for my own good. She points out that throughout my marriage my husband has manipulated me and changed me to Suit his Needs. I’m not agreeing with her because I’m hurt and angry but I know he has but when you are with somebody so long you don’t know what normal is (if there is such a thing). But she is right my husband has always kinda controlled me but In a way that didn’t seem
Controlling. Like if I was invited out with friends I would have to gear myself up to ask him and it’s
Not that he would say no but he would make my life a misery leading up to the night out and during the night out he would text and ring me telling me that the kids were playing up or that they wanted to know what time i wld be Home etc etc. He used to say he was only doing all
This because he cares and loves me. But after this massive porn betrayals I’m
Beginning to wonder. How can love make you so blind and how can I move on. Just really thinking about our relationship can I blame it all on a porn addiction or have I married a bad man?
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: aquarius25 on December 28, 2018, 12:28:11 PM
I completely understand that question. I had asked that about my own husband countless times and I will admit that the questions still pops up from time to time. I would look back over the years and see all the ways he violated me  and my feelings, manipulated situations to suit his needs, and frankly was just completely self serving. That is what addiction does. I do think there are some men that are just narcissists and really at their root are self centered but I think that is actually a small percentage of the population. Every now and then I read back through my long and exhausting journal and I can see how much I questioned my husband, his character, and frankly I wrestled with the realization that I felt like I didn't really even know this man I had been sharing a life with. My husband is 2 1/2 years porn free now. He is a completely different person and in some ways he is the same. I can see how the addiction impacted the way he viewed the world, everything was ran through a lens of addiction. Now that he is more distant from that addiction he is a lot more empathic and frankly he cares about more than just himself. You really won't know who he is at his core until he has spent some serious time dealing with the addiction. Sure you can't blame everything on the addiction but you won't know what is the addiction and what isn't until he has removed porn from his brain for an extended length of time and I don't mean just 90 days. I didn't really start seeing real character progress in my husband till over a year porn free. Each person is different but 90 is just a starting point, he is an addict, he needs to remove that from his life forever.

The relationship is breaking. That is what it felt like to me. The past relationship died in a lot of ways. What we are doing now is creating something new, together, through constant communication. Things are so fresh for you and frankly you need to grieve. Just like the steps of grief, I had to grieve the loss of the life I had. I experienced everything from denial to anger and acceptance, all of it. Before you can start building something new you must accept the loss of what was. It is completely ok to be upset, angry, pissed off, hurt, all of it. I was to a point where I really questioned my own sanity, lol. You will get though this. You are not alone. Give it time. Don't make decisions about anything major for a while. Keep communicating. Tell him your thoughts, questions, talk often, write everything, just keep processing.

Where is he as with his addiction? Have you shown him this site and the information on Porn addiction? Have these conversations, they are so important.

Sending you lots of love and praying for healing for your wounded heart and healing for your family!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on December 28, 2018, 02:30:09 PM
It was good to see what you wrote D22.  I too looked back and could actually pinpoint when this all escalated to what I call "gee I don't like my wife anymore".  He withdrew, from me, the kids etc.   As a result, we were manipulated to only consider how anything would affect him.  When you read other SO writings you will see Narcissism is there.  And the men's journals often reflect this as well.  So yes we were manipulated. 

The hard thing for us as SOs is to realize that our husbands were looking through addiction glasses.  The world they see and saw was not real, it was filtered.  Not until we were a year and a half out did my husband realize how altered his world view was.  He realized quickly the pain and distrust he had sown was.  My complete brokeness was evident.  Even now 7 years out, he says he cannot believe the man he became.

The hard thing for me to acknowledge is that I looked at things through the filter of my pain and hurt.  I had to make a committment to what I wanted.  Did I want my marriage to continue?  Did I want to end it?  We, my husband and I, came to the conclusion we loved each other.  We worked together.  Sometimes one step forward and three back.  But work we did.  I still have painful times.  I still have tears.  But not often.  And I am glad I did not walk away from 26 years.    However, he made the decision to change and leave porn behind.  And he did change. 
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on December 29, 2018, 06:43:38 PM
Thank you so much for your replies and advice. Im so glad that I’m not alone in this and (I don’t mean this in a horrible way) that others are going or have gone through what I am now. Since the discovery my emotions have been all over the place but today was a good day. I am kinda journaling what I’m feeling and it’s good to see how I’m coping.
I know I’m feeling positive because this is a good day. But, I must say that my husband has been very cooperative with all of this. We know we love each other very much and have definitely made the choice that we are going to get through this together. This is helping a lot as obviously because of him we are in this nightmare but it could have been worse if he wasn’t open to getting help. But for example, yesterday I was in a bad way and kept overthinking everything in my head and the biggest issue I’m feeling at the moment is trust. I had imagined him buying porn and stuff with his credit card (to which I have no access). I told him and he sat with me and we went through the cards statements. So I’m hopeful in mine and his recovery. I have explained to him that although he says he won’t look at porn from now on, it’s not going to be as cut and dried as that and he is still agreeing to go to gp and a therapist, all I can do is hope that he will stick to this and be as open as possible to allow him to recover easier. I’ve also given him the link to this website. I’ve told him I am registered and have been seeking help so I’m hoping he will do the same. If any of you have any further advice now we are on the first step to recovery I would really appreciate it. I know it’s not going to be an easy path and I know that unfortunately I won’t have loads of good days (yet) but I know with finding this website and knowing I am not alone is a great help.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on December 30, 2018, 08:56:30 AM
My one piece of advice for now is get the book I mentioned and read the blog as well.  A lot of great info for both SO and addict.  Keep taking care of your self and keep talking with your husband.   Good job with credit card statements.  He sounds committed to change and to helping you!

Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 03, 2019, 10:21:07 AM
I have ordered the book and it is expected on Tuesday 8th jan (it must be a sign as it’s my birthday that day lol). I went to my gp today and spoke about everything and tbh she wasn’t that helpful, she advised me to contact ‘steps to wellbeing’ that offer free nhs counselling but not specialised in anything specific and more general depression and issues. I have done this and hopefully it will help. My husband is seeing the gp on 14th jan but has said he wants to speak about his mental health (he was on anti anxiety meds last year but weaned himself off of them, way too soon). He has chosen to use an online therapist which I really hope will be good but I would have preferred it if he had chosen to see a therapist face to face as obviously he is embarrassed by this but as he said he would do anything and everything to get help, but this seems to be him backing down already. But I will have to wait and see what comes of it. With this and the book I’m hoping to make some progress. My husband is still promising that he hasn’t looked at any porn since I found out and I do believe him and he is being very attentive, nice and open but I still have nagging doubts in the back of my head. I think I’m more concerned that the longer he stops looking at porn the worse  it will become for him and I don’t think he realises that this could get difficult for him. If porn addiction is on par to say for eg smoking it’s not that easy but all I can do is trust and hope he will succeed. Thanks again for your input and help and advice.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on January 07, 2019, 09:35:45 PM
Here is wishing you a good birthday!  Hepefully you are doing better.  This is difficult to wrap our brains around as partners and we truly feel like we are going crazy.  Please reach out and ask anything you like.  We are here for you!

Title: Re: Please help
Post by: aquarius25 on January 08, 2019, 09:30:35 AM
O yes, Happy Birthday! If you can find time to do  something special for you. Self care is so important. I know for myself my emotions would consume me so the moments that I could escape to a coffee shop with a book were truly the most therapeutic thing ever! I hope you find some joy amidst all the others stuff. Know you have support here!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Emerald Blue on January 09, 2019, 06:11:56 AM
Devastated22, welcome to the Partners Section of RN even though none of us ever wanted to be in this situation. I hope you were able to celebrate your birthday despite all of this.

Just to offer you some reassurance, the ‘shemale’ porn doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband is gay or bisexual. As porn addiction progresses, the  ‘normal’ stuff begins to lose its potency. Porn addicts are driven to seek out ‘novelty’. I suspect that in your husband’s case the shemale porn represents ‘the shock of the new’, which is why there are so many categories of extreme porn. Many recovering porn addicts will say that they found themselves viewing stuff that they didn’t actually like and wasn’t representative of their authentic sexuality. When a porn addict quits successfully, and hopefully reestablishes a healthy sexual relationship, these porn-induced preferences seem to evaporate.

You make a very interesting point about manipulation and I would say it’s probably true for all addicts to have manipulated their partners to some extent in order to protect their porn addiction. I was shocked at how easy it was for my husband to lie to me. After d day he answered just about every question with a lie which only created more damage and delayed recovery. When my husband was actively in his addiction it wasn’t so much a case of bare-faced lying but omissions and plausible disguising of his activities as something more ‘innocent’. In some respects he actually ‘trained’ me to leave him be so he could have free reign with his porn habit. It’s really upsetting to realise that your husband actually played you and abused your trust, and it’s one of the most difficult aspects of forgiveness. I could forgive the behaviour quite easily but it took a lot longer to forgive the deception.

You are right to be concerned about the possibility of relapse but it isn’t inevitable. My husband quit over three years ago and to my knowledge hasn’t relapsed. However, I do believe there have been some slips, like clicking on ‘sexy’ clickbait or whatever. He still has issues with being completely honest with me, he has deliberately omitted to tell me about things he really ought to have done, and he still hasn’t admitted to some of what I discovered early on. What he has been very good at is exploring the issues in his past which made him vulnerable to porn addiction. It’s been a difficult journey for both of us.

Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 11, 2019, 11:27:31 AM
Thank you again everyone. I did have a lovely birthday and thank you for my birthday wishes. Dare I say, so far so good. My husband is still saying he hasn’t looked or even felt the urge to seek out porn since d-day and I hope more than anything that this is true. Again I want to believe him wholeheartedly but it is tough. Today I have stared reading love you hate the porn and am half way through and it is as you all say very helpful. I spoke to my husband about this book and to my amazement he’s also ordered himself a book about porn addiction, not the same one but still a book about his addiction which I never asked him to, which In itself gives me hope about his recovery. He’s also told me that he has started reading it. Which again is another plus and the fact that he’s not an avid reader (like  me) this is definitely a positive step.
I have an appt at the beginning of Feb for counselling and my husband sees his gp next week. Despite all these positive steps I’m still constantly worried about the addiction. I’m trying
To not let it overpower each minute of each day but it’s always there in the back of my mind bugging  me and wearing me down. The hurt and betrayal comes in waves and I know it’s not going to just disappear but it is wearing me out. My husband has a lot of demons he needs to face up to and I think the porn addiction is the tip of the iceberg. I have always spoken to him about his past and he’s always convinced me that he is fine with it all but deep down I’ve always known it does play on his mind. Along with the porn addiction I really do hope this is the start of him opening up about his demons and to begin to heal from the stuff that obvs doesn’t mess him up inside. Some of the issues he has (understandably) is that he was adopted at 6 months and his adoptive mother was very controlling, his adoptive parents then separated. During his life he has always felt that he wasn’t good enough and that he didn’t belong. I’ve had a few issues with my upbringing but have had counselling over the years and have faced up to a lot of issues that haven’t been easy but because i am a wife and mother I couldn’t let these issues eat away at me and once I realised they were causing me big issues I dealt with them and although still have problems I face them. I think this is one of the reasons why I struggle so much with what my husband has put me through. I have always asked him to open up to me about his issues but he’s always insisted that he didn’t have any issues but all the time I knew he did. And sometimes now I feel stupid to have believed him and I get mad at how different things could have been over these 20+ years and how much better our lives including our children’s lives could have been a lot more better  but because he chose to try and bury his issues unsuccessfuly and gain a porn addiction we are all suffering especially me. I know some
People find it hard to open up and I do understand that it can be so hard to get all your hurt out in the open.  The first few sessions of my counselling were so hard as once the wall was broken the flood gates open and took a long while to stop but after all the hurt and tears I began building myself back up and am all the better for it. I guess I’m just angry at how selfish he has been. To avoid himself any hurt he has destroyed me to make himself feel better. And I can’t get to grips with the fact he can do all that to somebody he is meant to love more than anyone it’s just so hard to comprehend. All these years I’ve felt that it was me and my family that had issues and that he kinda saved me as he came from a better family and I always felt 2nd best and somehow lower than him and his family. All of this is bringing up so much hurt and pain I just hope that the counselling will help me and that my husband will have counselling too
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on January 16, 2019, 11:15:16 PM
Just checking in.  How are you doing?
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 17, 2019, 02:17:21 PM
Thanks Gracie
I’m doing ok atm. My husband went to his gp on Monday and wanted me to go with him. It was really good as he told the gp everything that has happened and she said the fact that we were both at the appt together showed how much we cared for each other and want to get through this. Like me he has to contact steps to wellbeing and go through the questionnaire and wait for a telephone appt and then they decide which kind of therapy is best. We’ve also been told by gp that we shld go couple counselling. I contacted relate and they won’t do couple counselling until we have both finished with our personal counselling and if we feel we need the couple counselling then to contact them then. Unlike steps to wellbeing it’s not a free service but somehow we will find the money as I can’t put a price on our marriage. I know it’s not going to be an easy process and without trying to put my husband off I have told him that he will prob have to go back to his childhood and go through his life and deal with everything that he’s tried to bury. So I don’t want to tempt fate but things are going in the right direction. Oh and he’s been put back on anti depressants so that will help him too. Thanks you so much for checking in. I really appreciate it.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on January 18, 2019, 12:44:10 AM
Glad to hear the steps you are taking.  Doing this work together is so much better.  It makes it so you can help one another!  I always like to see couples make it.   There have been men in the past that shared their struggles  and we have watched them grow and learn and become amazed as well.check in so we can talk!  Great having you here!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 18, 2019, 06:06:51 AM
Thank you so much. It gives me a lot of hope knowing there are success stories and that I have support and help here. Xx
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: aquarius25 on January 18, 2019, 11:05:34 AM
I am so glad to hear you two are working through this together! Yes you have a community of support when ever you need it!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on January 26, 2019, 08:03:19 AM
How are you doing?  I know sometimes it is easier to live inside your head and try to figure it out. But talking helps, as in coming here.  I call it talk, weirdo that I am. 
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 28, 2019, 05:54:23 PM
Hey Gracie and Aquarius. Thank you again so much for your support. I really do appreciate it.
Things have been kinda ok. Up and down as usual but not as bad. Since the Drs visit my husband and I have both contacted steps to well being and I have my phone interview next week and my husband has his tomorrow. He’s a bit moody but I’m putting that down to the interview tomorrow although my gut is telling me he may have wavered (which I kinda expected) but he still assures me he hasn’t. I am finding fairly difficult to play the happy housewife and have Problems getting by each day but I do have bipolar so that plays a part too. I suppose I have to remain trusting of my husband and all I can do is kinda carry on regardless. But if there’s any advice u can give me to help me get through what feels like limbo I would really appreciate that. I know this forum is confidential with who everybody is. Especially with the nature of the forum. But it would be great if either of you were close by so we could meet for a coffee and a cry! Not sure this is allowed but If youre anywhere near dorset?? Xx
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 28, 2019, 06:03:29 PM
Sorry for yet anova post. I have a couple of issues that are playing on my mind so again if you have any advice that would be great. I’ve read on this site and on Internet that men need to release every few days. Usually through sex or masturbation or If this isn’t done then it’s released via a wet dream. I know this is probably too much information but if my husband isn’t have sex with me and as far as I know isn’t having wet dreams (I do all the laundry) then would it mean that he is mastubating? Also I’ve read that the more addicted and the longer the addiction porn addicts will look for more hardcore porn. However my husband admitted that he saw a picture of a shemale when he was a boy and has been turned on by this since then. So I’m constantly struggling with the idea that he is gay or bisexual even tho he says he’s not. But obviously with the 20+ years of lies it’s hard to know what to believe.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Pete McVries on January 28, 2019, 06:13:39 PM
Quite a handful of straight guys eventually escalate into shemale porn. It doesn't mean they are gay. It's just the nature of the beast. Get desensitized, escalate, shemale porn here we go...

Some guys get wet dreams others don't. Usually they don't occur that often. The fact that you didn't find any messy underwear of your husband doesn't mean he is masturbating.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on January 29, 2019, 07:34:13 PM
Thank you for your reply. But what is worrying me is the fact that my husband has been getting turned on by shemale porn since he was a boy. It hasn’t escalated to that. This has always been his preference!
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Gracie on January 31, 2019, 10:37:57 PM
I know a cazillion cups of coffee and someone who understands is priceless. 

I think porn just warps the way they think.  Do not think shemale is the preference for having sex with two people.  I think it is sex with oneself kind of a turn on for him. 

The first six moths I think I cried every day.  I felt so betrayed and lied to.  I also felt stupid. I was like How could he pull the wool over my eyes like that.  How could I miss the signs. I was a basket case.  Then it would be okay I can  do this and then boom right down the rabbit hole. 

Hope the interview goes well.  Let us know.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on February 01, 2019, 10:50:21 AM
Hey Gracie. Thanks for the reply. Hub had his phone interview and he was over an hour so that was a good sign. He said he told the counsellor everything and they are sorting out some counselling although there’s a 3 month waiting list which is hard as there is going to be a wait now but I suppose at least we are in the system now. I know exactly what u mean with the betrayal. What I’m worrying about now is that all these years I had a gut feeling something was wrong but didn’t know what and I obvs wasn’t expecting what I found out but now I think there’s lots of times I’ve had a gut feeling and was I right those times too. I’m just finding it so hard to trust him and I really want to but some days my mind goes into overdrive and I’m consumed with all the lies and betrayal and like u I’m gobsmacked that I didn’t  know anything that was going on. And not just the lies and betrayal but the manipulation and the way he has been all these years just self serving and total selfishness. I asked him during all these years did he ever think about what he was doing and did he ever think that if I found out that I would leave him? His reply was that he never thought about that!!! Obvs I want honesty but that answer upset me even more because he just didn’t think about me one little bit. I mean I’m nowhere near perfect but my whole life I always put others first especially my kids and husband and everything I do without even thinking I will automatically see if it’s for the benefit of my kids and husband. But he hasnt done this ever. It’s all about him. I just can’t get to grips with the whole selfishness of it. I know I’ve got to stop thinking like this if we are
To move forward but it’s just so hard. Xx
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on April 28, 2019, 09:55:28 AM
I’ve had the worst week of my life. I don’t know what to do I am a total mess. My whole situation is in the previous posts from the start at D-Day and the weeks following. Since then my husband has been in counselling and is mainly addressing his upbringing and how it has affected him. Which is great as I’ve said in previous posts I’ve known all along that he needed to address these issues as I know they have played a big part of how he is in life. Anyways the months since D-Day have been hard. The first few weeks my Husband seemed  to make a big effort on being attentive and open but over the weeks and months he has retreated less and less. I wanted to believe more than anything that he hadn’t reverted back to porn and convinced myself that with the counselling opening up years of wounds that he was dealing with all of that. Over the months I have not hassled him or pushed him into anything. I have asked him how he’s doing as in dealing with the counselling. He’s said it is hard but he knows he’s feeling better for it and it’s good to get the past hurt out and finding coping skills to deal with all of this. He said that he had spoken about the porn addiction at the beginning of counselling but they hadn’t looked into it further. He’s also insisted that he hasn’t had the desire to look at porn and has not once thought or looked at it. I have found this hard to believe as I was a heavy smoker for 30 years and although a completely different addiction it’s still an addiction and cold turkey is really hard. But to be able to support him I chose to believe he wasn’t looking and didnt say anymore.
The old phone that I originally found the porn on has been put out of the way but on Monday  this week I saw that it was back in our bedroom, but it was on the chest of drawers and not hidden. I also saw that it had been charged. So I had to look because there is no reason to have used this phone. So I looked and couldnt see anything which was a huge relief but was still confused as to why it had appeared and was charged. I am no good with technology but had to stop my gut feeling of dread so Googled how to look deeper into a phones history. So I found another way and looked again on the Tuesday. I was absolutely gutted. More so than D-Day. There was again pages of trans porn. It just brought up websites so I searched these sites on my phone the main one  was called adult work and this may sound stupid but I still wanted to believe he hadn’t relapsed so I did actually think that maybe it was a job search site. I am so naive, it was not only a porn site but a site  specific for live chats and cams. I can only describe my feelings like I was sucked into a nightmare that I would wake up from and all was well. I thought then that I needed to look into his regular phone. I had also noticed that he has been taking his phone everywhere again. But during Tuesday he had left it on the sofa while he was doing stuff in the garden. So I looked and searched through the place I could look deeper into the history and found pages and pages of porn sites. There was loads. Loads more than the phone I found in the bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to do and how long I had so grabbed my phone and took pictures of the list of sites I had found. I put his phone down and looked through the sites in my own phone. I was distraught. These were all porn sites and again were all sites for live cams and chats. I even found a site for escorts. If I could have vanished there and then I would have. I truly couldn’t believe it. I have spent months pushing my gut feelings aside telling myself I was being paranoid. But here was the evidence right in front of me. So anyway my husband came in and went for a bath. While he was in there I wrote him a letter and sent it to him via text. (My son is autistic and lives at home and the last thing I want to do is have him know anything about this) so sending a letter seemed the best way to approach my husband. My husband came downstairs and insisted that these sites were from before December and that he hadn’t looked at anything since December. I didn’t believe him and was devastated that not only were these porn sites but ‘live’ Sites. He still insisted that he hasn’t done anything. I ended up really yelling at him and ended up storming out and staying the night at a good friends. I didn’t sleep at all and came home around 7am. During my time away my husband sent me a long heartfelt text saying I had to Believe him and that the stuff on his phone must have been from before December and he promised with all his heart that he hadn’t looked at anything and was dealing with everything and hadn’t faltered. When he got up Wednesday when I was back home he still insisted that these were pages from months ago and that he was doing everything and anything to put this all right. Again my gut was telling me that this wasn’t true but I told him ok and that was that. I then couldn’t settle with his explanation so again I googled ways to find the dates these websites were accessed. So on Friday I checked the old phone that was still in the bedroom and still charged. And as I thought the pages had been accessed the previous week. I know I keep saying it but I was floored. I spent the next few hours sat in disbelief and anger until my husband came home from work. As soon as he did I asked him again about the porn sites and he still insisted that he hadn’t looked. So I asked him for his phone. He knows I’m hopeless with tech so although he looked a bit startled he gave me his phone. Straight away I accessed the sites with the dates. He sat there saying he hadn’t looked at these sites and that if he had it would have been before D-Day. By this time I was fuming and yelling that the dates were in front of us and how could he continue denying this. He kept denying over and over while I was screaming and crying. He then said that he must of been on those sites last week as the phone showed but he couldn’t remember doing it!!!! And again and again he kept saying it. So the story had changed to this. I still didn’t believe and said I was leaving as he was still lying and lying to my face despite the evidence. He was crying saying he must be ill cause he couldn’t remember doing it. Which I was having none of. Then he changed the story again and finally admitted he was using the sites and porn again and that he hadn’t stopped at all. But this was even worse because all theses sites were live sites and a lot of them he had actually searched for transexuals in the town we live including trans escorts in our area. I ended up hitting him and screaming. He was begging me to give him another chance. But like tuesay I ended up staying at my friends over night and again didn’t sleep a wink and came home this time around 6am. I couldn’t look at him and again he was in tears saying he hates himself for what he’s done and would change and get more help. He went to work and sent me more texts begging for forgiveness and promising the world. I told him I can never trust him again and have no idea what to do. I don’t want to give up on all
These years but at the same time am i fooling myself. He said he has reached rock bottom seeing me this way. But I told him wasnt seeing the state of me back on D-Day rock bottom enough. He still is insisting that he’s straight!!!
But not only is he looking at trans porn he’s searching the area for them. I really have no idea what to do now. I thought I was broken before but this is a whole new level.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: malando on April 28, 2019, 10:58:58 PM
Oh my, wow, that is truly a devastating turn of events. I'm not sure what I can say to help, but I really feel for you, and I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Porn is an absolute scourge on humanity - it ruins people and relationships. I think you are justified in any action you choose to take. Make the choice that is right for you and don't feel guilty about it. Best of luck, M.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: jixu on April 29, 2019, 06:28:42 AM
Hi dev72.  Anybody in your situation would be feeling like their foundation had collapsed.  I have some thoughts.

First, if your instincts tell you that he has gone from virtual to real (escorts, meet-ups,etc) then, although this is stating the obvious, you have to consider the possibility of sexually transmitted disease as being a potential factor in the equation.  Not being an alarmist but keep it in mind.

Second, and I'm not seeing this noted as a problem, but make darn sure you have a good grasp of the family's finances.  You have had enough surprises for a while-you don't need a financial one hitting you over the head.

Third, he needs to be made uncomfortable and take real concrete steps.  If he had been sincere and worked on it the first time around that would be one thing; but perpetuating the lie even after being caught is another thing.   I don't think counseling and reading books is enough of a demand from your side.  He needs a ground level sponsor or accountability person that can hold him accountable and also provide you with reports.   Also, he leaves the house, not you.  He can take the car and sleep at the Walmart or Burger King parking lot; don't let him slide by so  easily on those types of things.  I personally would advise you to seek a preliminary legal consultation and drop the news on him as a further inducement to change (assuming you are willing to stay in the marriage if he is taking real action).

Anyway, at this stage, you are totally justified in any steps you take.    .       
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: aquarius25 on May 03, 2019, 07:45:14 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your words bring me right back to where I was those first few months. I know sometimes you feel crazy but know you are not and just keep breathing.

As far as not trusting but wanting to, I felt the same way. Overtime I have changed my thought on this. You don't have to trust him. He has broken that trust and it needs to be rebuilt. That does not happen overnight. Love him yes, but that does not mean you need to trust him. You can love someone and still want to wring their neck, LOL!!! It is ok to say "I love you, I do not like you right now, I do not trust you right now, but I love you". Just be sure you continue to communicate! I have always felt that when communication stops that is when the real separation and divide occurs. That is where your mind runs crazy and where you can give up. It is hard to continue to talk and communicate when you are so angry/hurt/mad but just keep trying. If talking is too much then write letter to each other, just keep reaching out.

As far as shemale porn, just like others have said porn warps the brain. I think they crave taboo and anything that seems naughty. Porn thrives on secret and makes you feel shame. I think my husband was actually addicted to that feeling of shame sadly. As a result he would view anything that made him feel like this is not ok and that he is not normal. That is just his brains way of finding dopamine. It is an addiction. I am pretty sure when he is years past this he will be shocked my what he used to view. This doesn't not define him and who he is, this is an addiction. He has to won it and deal with it. It is not a reflection of you or how much he loves you at all.

Hang in there and just keep breathing.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on May 10, 2019, 06:49:02 PM
Thank you all for your support and advice. I’ve started to trust my gut instincts as they are obviously proving right. I don’t think he has met up with anyone (I don’t think he has the bottle) and regards to our financial state we get by and have enough for the daily basics after bills and rent. I take care of basically everything at home incl juggling the finances. But thank you for asking and offering advice.
Anyways since the last post my Hub got in contact with sex/porn addicts anonymous. I know this to be true as he said he had emailed the leader and soon after he did get a phone call from him. He arranged to join a group on Friday evenings. And would take it from there. He said they also do 1:1 as well as the group sessions but was advised that although awkward to begin with sharing with others in the same situation would be beneficial. So again I supported him and hoped that this may be some help.
Tonight was when he was meant to go, he would go there from work. He had said through the week that he had emailed and text the leader for information and to confirm where the group met but hadn’t had a reply. I did find this hard to believe as the leader had apparently told my Hub that he could call or text at anytime day or night for support. My hub also said that he had tried calling him but didn’t get an answer. I spoke to my Hub during the day and he said he had called the leader again and still no reply. As the day went on  My Hub said he wouldn’t go to the meeting as he couldn’t remember where it was (hmmm) and he hadn’t got hold of the leader. Obviously I knew Hub would be embarrassed and nervous about attending a group session but we talked and we both agreed that he needed to do this and despite his nervousness and embarrassment he at least owed it to me to do this regardless of how he felt. Seeing that he didn’t worry about how I’ve been feeling all these years and then after D-Day and continued lies and deceit.
So he came home from work and I knew he was lying (trusting the gut).  I hate calling him out in his lies but I have to do it for his sake as well as mine. So I checked his phone. There were no emails,he had deleted his email history (did he think that would make me believe he had emailed as there was no evidence ffs) then I checked his phone history and the only call with the leaders number was when the leader initially called my husband a week or so ago.
Again lies lies lies. I am effing fuming. I couldn’t look him in he eye and I’m growing sick and tired of having to prove the lies. I sent him a long letter (via text) calling him out on everything. He promised he had emailed and text the leader but as he has wiped his phone I couldn’t see any evidence and going by his history I can only think he was lying about this. Then he admitted he didn’t call the leader (would he have admitted this had I no!
So I told him over and over it’s still lies and lies to my face and promising that he’s being honest when all the time he’s lying. It may be a patch on his previous bullshit but the fact remains that he’s still lying. I told him loving and supporting him and trying to trust him wasn’t working and that I can’t be a loving supportive wife If he is still being a lying deceitful Husband.
I told him how hard it is to believe anything he says and I feel like he’s really taking the piss out of me so have told him I don’t want to share a bed with him (there was no intimacy or sex anyway, just sharing a place to sleep) and that for now he should sleep on the sofa. I said despite everything I haven’t got the heart to kick him out but that maybe breaking off with him for a while might jolt him into realising what he may lose. He kept going on like before that he didn’t know why he lied and that it was only a simple lie about a phone call. I couldn’t get through to him that it didn’t matter what the lie was, the fact it was a lie is massive. So we are married living In the same house but not engaging as such. I know keeping communication and support open is necessary for change but I can’t keep being treated like a mug and a pushover so I don’t know what else to do.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Redfire03 on May 11, 2019, 02:03:30 PM
@Devastater72 seeing your frustrations and betrayal feelings only hurt me more because you show emotions I didn5 see from my ex that I know I put her thru. I wish I knew what I was doing to her from her point of view. But the moment she told me she was done...... like done done.. my wife had had enough.... sadd to say it took that for me to never view porn or masterbate ever again. It's been over a year now. It's hard because I love her and never ment to do the things I did. Porn really takes over us its very strange... this man cares for you.... but he is very embarrassed about it. It's hard for us to admit all of this. We honestly dont know how to process it. I would suggest him joining the forum he needs your support. I understand your frustration 100% but dont give up on him yet. Push him as hard as you can... the addiction is doing this to him. The past year has been great for me other than still excepting my wife leaving me and jumping into another relationship when the marriage was real for me. Help him... he needs you... but only you now how much more you can handle. But when you do decide you are done take it easy on him.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on May 23, 2019, 01:13:44 PM
So it’s been a couple of weeks since my last post and I’m really in a state. Instead of life improving I am mental and physically drained and am thinking of leaving my husband for good.
He did go to the addicts anonymous meeting last week. I am so paranoid that I actually went and spied on him in my car. I cannot believe a single word he says and although I want to I just can’t. Anyway when he came back from the first meeting he said it was ok and that he will
Continue to go. This is a good thing and I’m hoping it will help. However I can’t stop thinking constantly about all these years of betrayal. I’m looking back at different times in our lives and wondering if he had ogled porn and masturbated at these times. I think about all the gut feelings I had over certain things and now wonder if my gut feelings were right and what I suspected (an affair) was actually happening. I now know that my gut  feelings about there being a big prob in our 20+ years of marriage was true and then since d-day in December I had a gut feeling he hadn’t stopped with the porn. Which a few weeks ago I found to be true too. So although I don’t really know who I am or what I want anymore I have to start believing my gut feelings are true and I should take notice of them.
These past couple of weeks have been really bad. Although my husband has promised (like before) to stop porn and recover I cannot trust what he says to me. I can’t stop thinking about all these years of betrayal and how easy he found it to lie to me and in essence cheat on me daily for over 20 years. As I’ve said before I have always wanted sexual intimacy and have never turned him down, although it was usually me initiating any intimacy and was refused many times. And like many other partners I ended up believing there was something wrong with me and that my husband didn’t find me attractive etc etc. But I really can’t get over this soul destroying feeling of betrayal and hurt. I think when I found out that he hadn’t stopped anything for these past few months after d-day and had continue to lie to me daily even though he had seen how devastated I was, it really has destroyed me. I cannot understand how he can do this to me. I gave him nothing but support, we talked, I went to the Drs with him and we made promises to each other to love and support. And now it’s like he’s just laughed in my face and carried on regardless. Since discovering his continued porn addiction he has again promised me he will do anything and everything to stop this and has promised again  with all his heart he won’t and hasn’t looked or wanted
To look at anything. But I cannot bring myself to believe this. I can almost feel my body and brain drowning in all this betrayal and pain. I know it sounds dramatic but to of been married for 24 years and bring up 2 children, and have dealt with many many big issues throughout our marriage you would think you know somebody and like I keep saying. I knew I always had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but to find out all of this really really does hurt physically and mentally.
I’m trying to be calm
And ‘normal’ And carry on day to day life but I’m in a constant state of anxiety. We still live together and share a bed together but that’s it. I’m not upset about that as we have been more like flatmates for most of our marriage. But it’s like he’s carrying on like he hasn’t done anything. He gets up goes to work, comes home and says about his work day, watches tv and goes to bed. I
Suppose it’s good to have normality but I just feel like the whole thing is a big lie, a stage show. None of its real. I feel like our whole marriage has been one big sham. I have given the best years of my life to him and my children. Many of my old friends used to say I was like a single mum because he never did anything with us. Any day trips were done and arranged by me, even now the kids are grown  it’s me and them that arrange things and do things. He does not involve himself at all. The only way anybody can see he’s part of the family is because he lives in the same house!
I would love to have a happy intimate marriage, nothing lavish or flashy. We do live on the breadline and have always rented as have never been able to afford a mortgage but monetary and material things have never meant anything to me. All I’ve ever wanted is just love and happiness. I know it sounds like a pipe dream but it’s not a lot to ask for. I’m
Hurt because he has spent all these years being selfish and thinking only of himself, looking back he has never put me or the kids first looking back with open eyes it’s heartbreaking to see how me and the kids have lived and put up with his ways. But despite all of this I love him. But I absolutely hate him. And I don’t know if I can carry on like this. Do I continue to live in hope that he is dealing with his porn addition and wants to stop. That he will continue to go to the addicts anonymous and ask for help. I’ve told him I can’t bear the thought of him touching me at the moment, I only let him
Back into our bed because he was making such a fuss about his back and I have the bad habit of feeling guilty about him everything. And the fact I was making him sleep on the sofa actually kept me awake feeling guilty.
I just feel like he’s playing me  because he knows I’m a pushover.  I can’t say if he truly loves me and wants us to be a happy intimate married couple. Because looking back we really haven’t been all
That’s years. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. Any advice would be really appreciated. And if anyone has been where I am right now and can tell me what their outcome
Was May help me right now. Xx
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: malando on May 23, 2019, 01:44:51 PM
I can really feel your pain, D72. I think it's good that you are in touch with your feelings to the degree that you are. It will help to lead you to the right decision for you.

One observation: I think he's using the "sore back" excuse to try to keep proximity to you - a form of denial that things might be heading towards a permanent end. I would say that whether he has a sore back or not, he should not have the right to sleep next to you at this time. Either he has to deal with his back as part of his penance, or he should be resourceful enough to organise himself another bed in another room. But using postural comfort as a way to keeping proximity to you is not a good thing to do. You deserve, and should have the right, to make the call on how close you are to him. This really is about you at this time. It's time to put yourself and your needs first (for the first time in a long while, by the sounds of it). I think making concessions out of guilt will not get you any closer to what you want and need from this situation. In a way, if you are still nursing any hopes of a reconciliation, you need to see how he responds to you drawing your boundaries and to you making him uncomfortable. How he handles the sofa bed will reveal much about his intent to change, and own his behaviour. Any sign that he's complaining and calling you unfair or unreasonable will inform you about his level of selfishness and will to change and take responsibility. Just a thought... Best of luck. M.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Devastated72 on May 23, 2019, 03:12:30 PM
Dear Malando thank you so much for your reply.
I don’t want to sound like little miss perfect as I am far from it. But I am definitely a person that cares too much and people know they can rely on me and a lot do take advantage of that. I’m excellent at sticking up for others especially my family (I took the local council to court over my disabled sons education and won without any legal help) so I know I have it in me to stand my ground. But when  it comes to me I am hopeless and am an easy target and walk over. That’s probably the reason my husband has treated me like this my entire married life. I just didn’t want to believe somebody that is supposed to love you more than anything could do all of this for so long. Part of me wants him to leave as I really don’t enjoy being round him at the moment. But I don’t know if that will make matters worse as he will be entirely left to his own devices.
Also I don’t work as I’m my sons full time carer so financially I don’t know how we would manage. We live in an expensive area and if my husband was to move out his wages would definitely not cover his rent and ours. I know there are benefits to claim but having been in that situation before it would not be immediate and I have no savings, family or friends to help so the money side of how to live puts me off and going back to my constant guilty conscience I don’t think I have the heart to tell him to leave either so I’m kinda stuck. But as I said before at the moment I hate him and really can’t get to grips with how he’s been able to do all of this and claim he loves me. So I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I have never felt this confused, heartbroken and ill ever and I really dont know what to do. Will I come to terms with this and move on and will me and my husband be able to work this out together. Or am I being taken for a fool and just prolonging the pain and constantly being gaslighted by the man I thought loved me. So do I tell him to leave and try to rebuild a life for me and my son or do I hang in there and see if things will change.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: malando on May 23, 2019, 04:46:03 PM
That's a really tough situation you're in, D72. I'm sure the prospect of separating when you have a child with complex needs makes this all the more daunting. I won't make recommendations on what you should do - because I think this is something you need to come to in your own time. But I do think you may have an issue with defending your boundaries and this is something you should really prioritise at this time. Regardless of what direction this takes, you must respect yourself and your boundaries - and make sure your husband knows that he can't breach them.

The sad thing about severe porn addiction is that it kind of disables large parts of a person's human qualities - it can make somebody quite stupid, in fact. Addicts typically:
- play down the severity of their addiction
- pretend they've recovered
- are expert liars
- think they've recovered far too soon
- think the damage they've caused can be fixed quickly
- think they can keep using as long as they aren't caught
- think they can still use porn occasionally as long as they have a 2 day break prior to sex
- they will lack ambition and motivation
- lack spontaneity
- lack empathy
- lack comprehension
- lack interest in children... the list goes on and on.

It's a devastating thing for addict and partner. In my opinion, only the most determined person can reverse porn addiction and restore a healthy relationship with their partner and within themselves. So what you will want to see is a very steadfast and determined direction from your husband - a resolve to do better in every way, and real heartfelt statements that he understands what he's done and what he's going to do about it. This must not look like a mild effort until the heat is off. Make sure he knows that this is what you expect, what you demand, to even have a hope of reconciling your marriage.

I understand your living situation doesn't lend itself to drastic action - but also make sure he knows that even if you are under the same roof, this doesn't automatically mean you are just going to calm down and get over this. He needs to know just how big a mess he's made of this, and just how much work he's going to have to do to even begin to repair it and regain some trust from you. He also needs to come to terms with not having this process laid out for him. He needs to live with the uncertainly that this might not work out - regardless of his best efforts. And he needs to be ok with this, and see it as something he should do anyway - as recompense to you, as a show of remorse, as a display of intent to be a better man regardless of what happens with your marriage. I would suggest he should have his own bed in another room until such time as you want him in your bed. A bed is a place of safety and security - it should feel like the person sharing it with you represents that. At this time, he doesn't - so I think it's better if you make your own safety and security until such time that you feel he has earned his place next to you.

I don't want to sound too punitive about your husband. I don't know him and I don't know the level of his contrition. But I sense you need some encouragement in defending your boundaries and so I'm focusing on that. You deserve better than this. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. As a mother, your well being is also important to your children and you are also setting an example of  to them of what respect and consideration look like in a relationship. So there are important values at stake here. You have our support here, know that. M.
Title: Re: Please help
Post by: Kimba on August 19, 2019, 08:13:09 PM
Hi D72, and Hi to everyone here, I have just popped on for a small visit my life seems to be going very well and I am in a good place again but I still think about those times of feeling completely out of control and unloved, low self esteem, angry etc etc... advice to you D72 is a mixture of practical and how to deal with the  hard yards ahead, unfortunately you cannot believe a thing he says at this point in the situation, my partner did not do counselling but I did, I did not feel it worked but it did give him a jolt that I was seriously thinking of ending our relationship, I think the people on here helped me the most to be honest, just talking it out with like minded.  I locked down all my computers iPhones iPads I loaded up Covenant eyes and K9 for protection, I think even if he gets past the security, it still makes him think of what he is doing. No phones in the toilet, no passwords that you don't know, no going on technology while you are not home. No lying which is a hard one because unfortunately I think once a liar its hard to change that one.  You are allowed to check his phone his history whatever it takes to feel ok again.  I finally feel ok, I don't check his phone unless i ask him, I don't have covenant eyes or K9 anymore, I still have small doubts occasionally but i push them aside, I still get angry about the way there is so much soft porn all over main stream TV and the brainwashing that its ok to undermine decent relationships and loving couples, to make it seem ok to be dishonest and hang out at strip bars while your wife is sitting at home, no way not on my watch, you can bugger off and live that life full time if thats what you want...  I must say this is my second relationship and you have a lot more to loose than me as far as your children and life is concerned but hey he needs to get real, he will loose it all the stupid man and for what, seconds of gratification, I feel pity for these men that can't get their life together and live in fantasy, to me I think it will get a lot worse before governments are forced to lock down that part of the internet.  I can only say that to make this work he needs to be onboard with what I have said, lock those devices down...