Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: Joost! on December 07, 2018, 07:33:50 PM

Title: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on December 07, 2018, 07:33:50 PM
METANOIA
A journey of faith.



"Hey joy!
What are you like?
When you're genuine and innocent?
Free from ill intentions and the lust of strangers
Could I get to know you?
Without losing myself inside you?
Could we be like children exploring the cornfield?
Running and laughing
until we catch our breath
and the wind carries us back home."

(https://i.postimg.cc/0NQphzkb/Untitled-5.jpg)

Welcome to my journal, stranger!

What keeps you coming back to the screen?
Locking your potential within four corners of an x-rated scene?
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 08, 2018, 06:59:42 AM
December 8, 2018
Quote

This last relapse made me feel miserable. I'm bordering a psychotic phase.
Self-accusing thoughts bombard my headspace. Had trouble falling asleep.
I'm hurting the people I love by not being available.
Mentally, emotionally i'm wrapped up in my own pain. There's barely the desire to socialize..
Christmas is just around the corner. Now is the time to be bold and let go of the shackles of addiction.
Overthinking this whole issue doesn't help. You either want to stop or you don't.
And I do. To experience whats beyond.


Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 09, 2018, 11:51:10 AM
December 9, 2018
THE LOVE OF GOD
Quote

Often I have wondered. Why did I develop this particular addiction? Why did I never form healthy bonds with the other sexe?
Escapism of emotional pain, yes. But why? Why did I chose to run from pain into about 10 years of addictive hell?
I spend most of my twenties in social isolation. Consuming fantasies 'till I completely lost touch with reality.
Today I realized I ran from Love. A Love that was always there for me. Not a human love. The Love of God for his children.
A Love I had tasted, but ran away from, believing I could figure life out by my own wisdom. As a result I became a slave of my own foolishness.
God endured all of my (emotional) pain and worse, in the flesh of Jesus. He carried all the sins of the world on his back as he dragged the cross towards the place where he'd be crucified at the hands of men.
With that in mind, who am I, to curse this life? To be ungrateful and waste my life's energy in bitterness and depression?
To be prideful, thinking I can overcome everything by my own power without putting my trust in the source of all life?
Without faith we have no hope of tomorrow.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 10, 2018, 12:43:35 PM
December 10, 2018
LUST, THE GREAT STUMBLING BLOCK

"Whoever looks at a woman with Lust has already commited adultery with her in his Heart." - [Matthew 5:28]
Quote

If we weren't slaves of our lust, we wouldn't even take an interest in porn. For truly there is no love in these depictions of male-female interaction.
It's all about craving the physical form of another. Possessing what isn't yours, for a short period of time. Leaving one disillusioned and unsatisfied when the 'fun' is over.
Lust will never fill your hunger. On the contrary, it will only increase it tenfold turning into a ravenous appetite that is rapidly eating away at your spiritual resources.
Sometimes your eye sees something so alluringly beautiful that it fills your heart with a dark desire to have it, to own it and to devour it completely. You want it, for you and for you alone.
This is the essence of Lust. Realize that love is the opposite. Love isn't claiming. It can enjoy beauty, as in a passing butterfly, without any desire to catch it.
Seek love with your Heart.


Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Edit_undo on December 11, 2018, 07:46:47 AM
Great post! Lust really is the underlying issue. I’m convinced that overcoming lust and seeing people as people again is true recovery, everything else will fall into place. Day 4 is done, keep at it!
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on December 11, 2018, 02:13:34 PM
Day 3

Often I have wondered. Why did I develop this particular addiction? Why did I never form healthy bonds with the other sex?
Escapism of emotional pain, yes. But why? Why did I chose to run from pain into about 10 years of addictive hell?

I spend most of my twenties in social isolation. Consuming fantasies 'till I completely lost touch with reality.

Today I realized I ran from Love. A Love that was always there for me. Not a human love. The Love of God for his children. A Love I had tasted, but ran away from, believing I could figure life out by my own wisdom. As a result I became a slave of my own foolishness.

God endured all of my (emotional) pain and worse, in the flesh of Jesus. He carried all the sins of the world on his back as he dragged the cross towards the place where he'd be crucified at the hands of men.

Who am I, to curse this life? To be ungrateful and waste my life's energy in bitterness and depression? To be prideful, thinking I can overcome everything by my own power without putting my trust in the source of all life?

Without faith we have no hope of tomorrow.

I know exactly what you mean. I used to be mad at God for my unhappiness but I did just that, ignoring Him, not looking for Him and He's always been here for me. Just like you I've spend the last few years in isolation, letting myself be a slave of my addictions without doing my duty which is trying everything to get maximum from my life. Like this, I am at the bottom, I can't continue like this, I have to do something. Peace.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 12, 2018, 03:00:22 PM
December 12, 2018
DISSOCIATION
Quote

Few years ago I sat fully dissociated across from a therapist who I'd told about my issues with porn and sexuality.
She suggested a good orgasm to help me get back into my body.
Great!
It's hard to find an appropriate therapist, especially when most haven't much experience with the nature of porn addiction.
For me porn was a way to dissociate from reality and the accumulated emotional pain in my body. And it did just that, perfectly.
Before porn there was gaming, which I used for the same end. To leave through a backdoor while reality was knocking at the front.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How often a day do we pick up the signals of our body and listen to them? Aside from when it signals the need for a shit or the next meal?
There is an intelligence to this amazing but bewildering physical complex, yet in this fast-paced stress driven society we more and more seem to forget about it.
Nowadays we're going by the bells & beeps of our 'smart'-devices. Sadly.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on December 12, 2018, 03:25:31 PM
Like in the case of many addicts, in the beginning porn was fun for me. I didn't start it as a self-medication choice. It was just fun. PMO made me feel euphoric and relaxed. I was just a teenager and I wasn't looking at me life saying "I have problems". At that time I didn't realize any problems so nobody can say I started PMO because of depression and anxiety. I started cause it was great.
But as my problems got harder, I started using PMO just like heroin. I became a slave to that relaxed state post-orgasm. As years went by, the effects of PMO didn't help me too much anymore. It wasn't enough. I wasn't relaxed enough, my depression wasn't numbed enough, my anxiety wasn't calmed enough. The orgasm got weaker and weaker as heroin junkies experience a high less and less great with time. At this point I was a junkie. Just like a heroin junkie but a porn junkie.
Right now I am a junkie just like those homeless heroin addicts who shoot heroin in abandoned buildings. Imagine a situation like that but around porn. I don't live on the street, I don't live in abandoned buildings but I feel just like that in my own room.
The thing is, the awareness about porn addiction is something new. If I told my parents about it, they would probably say something like "Okay, just stop watching porn." Well, this is true but my life has been modified so much by my (three) addictions that I actually have to completely change my life to even have a chance of quitting.
It's tightrope, man.
But, taking into the consideration your sentence about listening to our body's signal, this is actually the only thing that made me wake up and see I had a problem. I noticed the psychological symptoms I had started to have because of my addictions. I wished it happened earlier but it doesn't matter now. I can't go back in time. I have to start doing something from now on.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: thephoenix on December 12, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
Thanks for your replies and encouragement guys.

Day 6

Dissociation.

Few years ago I sat fully dissociated across from a therapist who I'd told about my issues with porn and sexuality. She suggested a good orgasm to help me get back into my body. Great. >:(
It's hard to find an appropriate therapist, especially when most haven't much experience with the nature of porn addiction.
For me porn was a way to dissociate from reality and the accumulated emotional pain in my body. And it did just that. Perfectly.
Before porn there was gaming, which I used for the same end. To leave through a backdoor while reality was knocking at the front.

How often a day do we pick up the signals of our body and listen to them? Aside from when it signals the need for a shit or the next meal?
There is an intelligence to this amazing but bewildering physical complex, yet in this fast-paced stress driven society we more and more seem to forget about it.
Nowadays we're going by the bells & beeps of our 'smart'-devices. Sadly.

Dissociation.

Therapist was half right. A good healthy fullfilling O with a loving partner that you have a strong emotional bond with can have a very grounding live “here in the now” effect. However, we are all at a different point in the journey, might take a while to get there.

I am definitely an introvert so I know what not having or feeling a need to socialize is like. Find yourself good productive fun group oriented hobbies that keep your hands and mind busy. This is how introverts learn how to appreciate good company, and make good positive lasting connections with people.

Keep up the fight.

Cheers
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 18, 2018, 07:03:57 PM
December 18, 2018

Quote

Truth is always there, we just don't always perceive it as such.
As chronic masturbators we are cowering away from a truth we need to own up to.
Pay close attention to what emotion triggers you to give in to the suggestive thought of watching porn.

Lust is an insatiable ego-burn that will completely consume you sooner or later. It's all about taking and not one bit about giving.
I regret every time I lust for a woman's flesh. It burns my soul.
I realize very well I can't change this desire of the carnal mind-body through my own willpower.
My heart is corrupted and it's only through the grace of God, that I can grow in Spirit, guided by his holy Spirit.

Its my desire to one day perceive life through the eyes of divine innocence again.
An innocence I lost when I first blew my mind having an orgasm.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 23, 2018, 02:45:36 PM
December 23, 2018

Quote

This month is coming to an end.
Addiction is no joke. Its been so many years now.
Let's be real, all addictions revolve around some form of 'pleasure', or at least avoiding a larger pain.
Some numb people cut themselves to feel, we watch porn to numb ourselves from uncomfortable feelings.
At least I do.

Pleasure has it place and time in life and the best pleasures come after we have worked ourselves through some hard times.
Pleasure comes as a natural reward after having done what you needed to do, it's not a goal in itself.

PS: My day-count doesn't reflect the number of days I have been 'clean.'
Mistakes happen in life, yet time doesn't stop.
We change by our choices, regardless of when the last time was we watched porn. Its a continious journey.
In the end a change of heart, opening it for the love of God, is the best change one can make. Your body might become a temple for His spirit to dwell in.
Make sure His holy presence is welcome.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on December 28, 2018, 06:33:29 PM
December 28, 2018
GRATEFUL
Quote

Be grateful for the small pleasures of life, so you don't need to chase pleasures tail.
Have reverence for life, both within and outside of you. The energy you use isn't yours. You don't own it.
Tomorrow you might be struck by a wild fever and you'd experience how energy fades away as quickly as it came.
Masturbation is always egoistic. It's about you getting off.
At the cost of what?

There are so many great things you could do with your energy today. Even if you feel low!
Take small steps, take your time. It gets better.

Don't fight your sexual urges with willpower, instead realize the fight has already been won.
God wants to use your energy for good in this world.
All He needs to work with is your trust and faith in his eternal Truth,
and your willingness to hand over your animal nature to his guidance through Christ.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on January 01, 2019, 05:53:28 PM
January 1, 2019
SILENCE
Quote

The addicted monkey-mind wants to be entertained and distracted on a constant basis. Modern technology provides this.
In silence we find our inner voice amidst of all the noise coming from the 'anti-social media'.
We're in search of something 'out there' that leaves us satisfied, but we search in vain.
It's never out there, it's always right here when all voices of distraction quiet down.
In silence my heart is listening and I remember what it was like. Laying in my mum's arms, falling asleep to the muffled sound of the washing machine.
I'm taken care of, i'm provided for. Here is home. In silence I fall asleep.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on January 16, 2019, 07:26:49 PM
January 16, 2019

Quote

Hey, i'm doing just fine at the moment.
 
Having a day to day plan on which you can follow-through, keeps the mind of porn, and sex in general.
Really, we're hyper-sexualized as a species nowadays and most don't even have a sense of what healthy sexuality is like.
As I was doing the dishes before a slightly perverted thought appeared in my mind.
It came wrapped in an innocent air of humor, but I recognized it's hideous nature and felt annoyed.
"Is this the mark porn leaves upon one's soul?", I pondered. The objectification of humans.
Do we truly realize how damaging indulging into the faked reality of porn is?
Do we truly think having casual sex doesn't come with a price?

Enfin, constant exposure to perversion creates a profane mind that isn't able to perceive the sacredness of life. And sexuality.
May we all find back what we gradually lost when we decided to open the door for perversion to pollute our sexual nature.

Have a blessed day.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 08:03:57 AM
You know, I've heard some people saying that some people choose porn because they have a high libido/sexuality. It's very funny actually, cause I don't have any high libido, it's just urges. Those strong urges for watching porn are not high libido for me, they are manifestations in the brain, the addiction, the circuit that has been created long ago. Because when people stop porn, they get into the flatline where it doesn't feel anymore like a high libido with a limp dick.

Porn has brainwashed us all and we don't know what normal means anymore. I've said this already, I'm a virgin at 28 years old and I had my "sex" education at the "porn school" (joke). I don't know what normal is because all I know about sex is the porn and that's not where you should learn from. A step in my recovery also means unlearning that bullshit that I've known since 16. It's 12 years of being trained by hardcore porn.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Edit_undo on January 17, 2019, 10:20:16 AM
Januari 17, 2019

"Is this the mark porn leaves upon one's soul?", I pondered. The objectification of humans. Do we truly realize how damaging indulging into the faked reality of porn is?

This is truth- we never realize how damaging it is until we try to stop. For me right now this is the hardest part- appreciating people for who they are, not how they look. It’s hard to shut down those objectifying thoughts when you see people out and about because you really know nothing about them besides what you see. It’s a mental struggle to force the realization that the person you are seeing is somebody’s daughter/mother/sister and not just a pretty face for you to ogle over. For some reason guys don’t cause me any trouble, ha ha.

 
I don't know what normal is because all I know about sex is the porn and that's not where you should learn from. A step in my recovery also means unlearning that bullshit that I've known since 16. It's 12 years of being trained by hardcore porn.

Nailed it. Aside from stopping the PMO, forcing your brain to rewire to normal settings or abstaining from everything long enough for your brain to reset itself is the hardest part (for me, experience varies for others). This is truly a struggle of the mind.
Keep at it gentlemen.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on January 21, 2019, 05:39:48 PM
January 21, 2019

Quote

What's to say, today?
 
I haven't had any desires to see women naked the couple last days.
At one night before bed the thought of peeking at some clips dwelled in my mind for a moment, but I was able to dismiss it.
It's not worth it and it's not the sort of usage of sexuality which God intended us to use our sexual energy for.
I want to say, the whole thing is such a 'mindfuck'. The way porn warps our perception of the other sexe, but it isn't porn, it is us.
We choose to view naked women, because we aren't able to connect with a woman on a heart-leveled basis, which takes vulnerability.
Porn obviously completely lacks this intimacy. Thus we chose it at some point because it promised us pleasure without the potential for pain.
At least so we thought. *smirk*

On another note, I realized  I have quite a low urine pressure, peeing, most of the time.
There's no doubt it's in some form related to all the excessive masturbation and addiction behavior.
In the chakra-system it is taught, the seat of sexual essences is in the underbelly, also known as the sacral chakra. It also the emotional center linked to the element water.
It only makes sense that abusing the sexual e-motion (energy in motion) leads to physical problems of all sorts in that same area.
Which alludes to another point: the emotional origins of this addiction..
Something for another post.

Stay clean guys.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on January 26, 2019, 05:38:36 AM
January 26, 2019
FILTHY CONSCIENCE
Quote

Drek.
No amount of shower can wash away the filth I experience within.
Debasing something most holy. Turning it into a profane habit with not much afterthought.

Well, those times are over.
I know, this dirty business has been putting a shell over our eyes rendering us unable to stand and walk in the presence of God without experiencing a terrible shame.

Yes, the loss of innocence is gut-wrenching.
Good luck being your own God now.
Figuring out what's good and what's bad all by your mighty Self and bearing all divine responsibility.

Can you come eye to eye with your mother after you've watched some chick being anal-banged?
Can you give the woman who birthed you into this world a heartfelt embrace when the images of last nights porn quest flash in front of your mind's eye?

This isn't just about us.
As sex-addicts we're the archetypal lovers who fell victim to our own lust, but the whole world is undergoing a debasement of the mind through sexual sin.
And as it always has been, the works of the flesh carve a path of destruction.

Sayonara.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on January 28, 2019, 12:09:49 PM
January 28, 2019
THE PITY OF PRIDE

Hey, Mr. Know It All
Where's your wisdom now?
When loves forsaken you,
and you still don't bow.
What is it, you protect
with ice-cold intellect?
You search for pleasure in pain
Mr. Dance in the Rain.
Your pride is a pity,
you play your part like a King
who subjects his servants
while Himself he's observant to Sin
Who's the burglar within?
That thief in the Night,
stealing the gist of your dreams
through a paralyzed fright.
It's a quiet burn,
but nevertheless
It hurts as the silence
that can not express.
Where's the giggle, the laugh?
Mr. Whisp in the Dark
I miss the spark in your eyes
Beautiful Innocent Heart
under the scars of Divide.
Mr. Larger than Life
It's time...
to depart from your Pride.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on February 09, 2019, 01:38:04 PM
February 9, 2019
LEARN & GROW
Quote

Rather than seeing it as the curse it often feels like, it might be smart to change perspectives a bit.
Yes, porn has damaged us a great deal, both physically as spiritually.
We jumped into something we had no idea how it would change us.
The rise of the digital realm came with unprecedented possibilities taking our imagination for a ride.
We payed for our youthful foolishness and as recovering porn devotees we still suffer the consequences.
It's showing not to be easy to rewire to a healthy condition especially in a world in which our impulses are being manipulated on a regular basis.

Sometimes in life one has to take several steps back before heading on forward.
Slow down, get a good perspective on things.
We all have a responsibility to bear and as former lust junkies we understand very well how damaging porn is to mind/spirit, body and soul.
Who is going to pass this messages on to the upcoming generations, if not us?
We can outgrow this mistake of digital history, develop a healthy neurological wire-work and become the pioneers of a new approach to life in (cyber)space.
As a matter of fact, we already are.

No need for rushing this individual process.
Take your time, be aware of the task at hand, cultivate your impulses and be bold in your stance against degeneration.
May God lead us in growth.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 02:35:46 PM
Yes, porn has damaged us a great deal, both physically as spiritually. We jumped into something we had no idea how it would change us. The rise of the digital realm came with unprecedented possibilities taking our imagination for a ride.
That's right. It's the worst time to be alive. Internet has never been this developed and fast. We are victims of having no information when we dove in the Internet.

Quote
It's showing not to be easy to rewire to a healthy condition especially in a world in which our impulses are being manipulated on a regular basis.

This makes me even more motivated to stop giving them satisfaction.

You know, P addiction has a little positive thing, if I may. People have started trying to live a more healthy lifestyle with exercising, less time Online etc. Otherwise they might not have done them. Of course, I'm not saying you should get addicted to P in order to do this but, you are addicted anyway, so try to see a little positive in this: You are trying to change your life, in good. Or if you are not, you should. If I wasn't addicted to alcohol, Internet and P, beginning a healthy lifestyle wouldn't even cross my mind.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on February 10, 2019, 05:52:10 PM
Quote
It's showing not to be easy to rewire to a healthy condition especially in a world in which our impulses are being manipulated on a regular basis.

This makes me even more motivated to stop giving them satisfaction.

That's the spirit! There are groups of people currently in power who benefit from perverting the natural order and they have zero interest in taking any responsibility for the betterment of humanity as a whole. So we have to take that individual responsibility, starting with ourselves. We all have an inborn sense of what is good and what isn't. Go from there and have faith it will lead to a path away from bondage. We don't need any gurus to overcome. I'm confident that one day I'll log on here and read that you're free from the lust for pornography. Have a good week, man!
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on February 10, 2019, 05:55:16 PM
That's the spirit! There are groups of people currently in power who benefit from perverting the natural order and they have zero interest in taking any responsibility for the betterment of humanity as a whole. So we have to take that individual responsibility, starting with ourselves. We all have an inborn sense of what is good and what isn't. Go from there and have faith it will lead to a path away from bondage. We don't need any gurus to overcome. I'm confident that one day I'll log on here and read that you're free from the lust for pornography. Have a good week, man!
Sure, man. Thanks. That's what I want too.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on February 12, 2019, 08:32:55 PM
February 9, 2019
DIGIMANIA
Quote

This one I'm writing from my 'smart-phone.'
Yes, its a phone. However I rarely use it to call anyone. Usually it sucks me into a black hole of cyberspace.
Eyes fixed. Hypnotized. If it's not literal porn, it's some other 'junkfood.'
It doesn't give me joy, it doesn't give me happiness. It numbs me from the real world just like most of us.
The real world that is ruled by big baddies who promise the rest of us a better future through their lying teeth. An internet of all things! Woahaa.
One ring to rule them all. Soon we're all connected.
Excuse me? Humanity is as disconnected from life as it can be. And it ain't just me.
Do you ever walk barefoot on the grass? That's how you connect. To this awesome lively plane we call home.
Earth. Gaia. The Mother who tries providing for her children.
Ever felt her magnetic field tugging under your soles? Gently attaching you to her playing field as one of her creatures.
Yet here we are in the year 2019, magnetically drawn to our smarty-vices. Smart deeeevices...
I could swear there are some nasty magical frequencies involved with this.

If Earth is our Mother, (Matter!) I wonder who our Father is. I think that's what we call God. (Spirit!)

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 06:01:42 AM

February 12, 2019

Digimania

This one I'm writing from my 'smart-phone.' Yes, its a phone. However I rarely use it to call anyone. Usually it sucks me into a black hole of cyberspace. Eyes fixed. Hypnotized. If it's not literal porn, it's some other 'junkfood.' It doesn't give me joy, it doesn't give me happiness. It numbs me from the real world just like most of us. The real world that is ruled by big baddies who promise the rest of us a better future through their lying teeth. An internet of all things! Woahaa. One ring to rule them all. Soon we're all connected. Excuse me? Humanity is as disconnected from life as it can be. And it ain't just me. Do you ever walk barefoot on the grass? That's how you connect. To this awesome lively plane we call home. Earth. Gaia. The Mother who provides for all her children. Ever felt her magnetic field tugging under your soles? Gently attaching you to her playing field as one of her creatures. Yet here we are in the year 2019, magnetically drawn to our smarty-vices. Smart deeeevices... I could swear there are some nasty magical frequencies involved with this.

If Earth is our Mother, (Matter!) I wonder who our Father is. I think that's what we call God. (Spirit!)
That's pretty much what Internet is, be it on phone or computer. I think you know by now I'm an internet addict. Internet doesn't bring any great high like PMO does.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on February 23, 2019, 05:58:18 AM
February 23, 2019
REMORSEFUL
Quote

It's been a while. Slowly i'm sobering up.
My brain is grasping for new connections, my spirit burdened by the weight of the past and confused by the now.
I was in the grips of lust. My voracious hunger bordered the impulsive drifts of serial murderers and rapists.
Let's think for a minute about the porn industry. The majority of the girls involved, if not all, have suffered some form of childhood abuse and carry some unhealed emotional trauma.
What we are watching is the covering up of this pain through the act they put up in front of the cameras in exchange for fake validation and money.
It's rather despicable and we're so used to watching it we can't even see the reality clear anymore.

"Is she not more than the curve of her hips?
Is she not more than the shine on her lips?
Does she not dream to sing and to live and to dance down her own path
Without being torn apart?

Does she not have a heart?"

https://youtu.be/n-lBmpz8Iso?t=136

It's only through the love of God I haven't experienced the desire to watch any woman naked the last weeks.
My own efforts fall short in reaching this state and are futile compared with how God wants to reshape our lustful hearts to long for which truly brings us joy, happiness and peace.
There is a reason most of us have felt some sort of shame after masturbating spurred on by the lust in our heart.
And it's not because we're made to feel guilty about sexuality by our religious upbringing.
It's witnessing our dirty conscience in the divine light of God.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Georgos on February 23, 2019, 06:09:00 AM
Here is what an American practitioner of MADness told me:

Porn and other forms of entertainment are pretty worthless if your market doesn't exist. - We live in the golden age of porn. When I was growing up, VHS tapes were cutting edge and the young women were all robotic and traumatized in playing their roles. Nowadays, besides being numerous, they're authentic, at ease, grunting, giggling and squirting. It warms my heart and gives me hope for the future of man.

There have always been madams, in the temples of Aphrodite, female priests would sleep with broken men to heal their trauma, of course temples used to have a business side to them as well, porn is not just about money, people upload their own porn that they have made themselves as a form of self-expression, to summarize his basic point, porn is becoming a means for the people acting in it to work through their trauma, the problem is that those watching it are either being fleesed or oppressed. I have said in a post many months ago that anything is permitted if you are at a sufficient level to understand it, watching porn as a practitioner, helping to heal the wounds of the participants requires an exceptional level, most had better not strive to reach there, those that do are kidding themselves that they are experiencing pleasure through doing it, thank you.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on February 25, 2019, 10:57:58 AM
There have always been madams, in the temples of Aphrodite, female priests would sleep with broken men to heal their trauma, of course temples used to have a business side to them as well, porn is not just about money, people upload their own porn that they have made themselves as a form of self-expression, to summarize his basic point, porn is becoming a means for the people acting in it to work through their trauma, the problem is that those watching it are either being fleesed or oppressed. I have said in a post many months ago that anything is permitted if you are at a sufficient level to understand it, watching porn as a practitioner, helping to heal the wounds of the participants requires an exceptional level, most had better not strive to reach there, those that do are kidding themselves that they are experiencing pleasure through doing it, thank you.

There is no healing taking place without love and let that be the exact thing porn is totally devoid of. Exhibitionism or putting your body to the sexual service of others isn't coming from a place of love either. At best it is fooling yourself feeding your ego by letting others worship your outer shell in admiration. Temples built by human hands never truly had anything to do with God or becoming whole. Or maybe they had in ancient days. Logically, we can argue that due to omnipresence being one of the characteristics of God, it's rather ridiculous to limit God to one physical place. It's my belief we are called to treat our bodies as the temples for the holy spirit of God to dwell in. Lusting after the bodies of other beings, as in pornography is not only defiling your physical home making it unable to receive Gods spirit, it's also a serious violation against the image of God, in which we're all created.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Georgos on February 25, 2019, 01:58:10 PM
The principle of perfect exchange is empty. Interest cannot be calculated. It is either equal or it isn't or it is both at the same time. Panta Rhae. Ask and it is given is a sentence from the Bible I am told. I am ashamed to ask for sex, it feels too much like buying porn, and if I do then the price goes up, either in my head or my partners or both. What is the art of asking a loving question of love?
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Georgos on March 01, 2019, 04:05:21 PM
Joosh, I feel like I've given my girlfriend a choice, but in reality I'm still putting pressure on her to make the first move towards sex. She keeps hinting that she wants it, and once she actually said "do you want to have sex with me?" but I still feel physically unmoved. Am I love shy in the true meaning of the psychological term or just an salos (fool for God)?
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on March 05, 2019, 02:23:01 PM
Am I love shy in the true meaning of the psychological term or just an salos (fool for God)?

Let's flip it around. We might be all a little God shy and fools for 'love.' The love of money ain't compatible with the love for God, and God's love for us individuals isn't on the same level as the romantic love we get entangled in as humans. So we usually suffer heart-ache. Then we settle for less and deal with the complications of relationship. Maybe it be a wise to thing to seek the heart of God before attempting the heart of a woman.   :)
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Georgos on March 05, 2019, 03:01:31 PM
Thanks Joosh, have you read "Colours of Love : An Exploration of the Ways Of Loving" by John Alan Lee, it's a book I've been meaning to read, which I'm told, amongst other things, outlines seven classical terms for love, each with their different attributes. All seven can be found in the Bible, and though I wouldn't say I'm particularly Christian, I would like to learn to practice all seven. I don't think love of money is one of them, but practical love is, and money can be useful if put to the right purposes. Thank you.
Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on March 07, 2019, 03:25:49 PM
March 7, 2019
THE RECOVERY WORKSHOP
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Some things i've learned over the past few days by doing the first two lessons of the Recovery Nation Workshop, that I'll share here.

- the roots of addiction are tangled around the core of our identity

- escapism became my primary emotional management strategy

- for many addicts passion is the driving force in decision making


So those are three statements that rang true to me.
The state of being an addicted slave is very much a state of not knowing your true identity, for no man was born into this world to die as a slave.
We do all become slaves to the flesh in one way or another.
Though the belief in Christ's completed mission is the one thing that can set us free and transmute our slave ID anchored to the certainty of death to an identity anchored in an eternity with God.
 Obviously this is a process.
But it all starts with belief.

When is was younger I often said I longed for there to be a magical door into eternal nothingness through which I could step and escape my suffering bodymind-spirit.
Since there wasn't such a door and suicide ain't painless, I chose various forms of escapism as the way to manage my emotions.

I was a passionate drifter!
Driven by passionate impulses.
Drifting from one alley into the next dead-end.
I need to develop depth to maintain a steady continuous passion.

For those who are serious about working out their emotional issues:
 http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on March 11, 2019, 01:20:07 PM
March 11, 2019
JUST SOME THOUGHTS
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Something many people don't realize your thoughts are not your own. You don't own them.
They come and they go, source unknown.
Sure, we can speculate about the source.
Many of us battle with self-defeating thoughts. Mental down-talk.
We might argue these thought patterns originate from low self-esteem and are a direct result of the addict lifestyle,
but we want to quit right? So why do we let our minds be bombarded with shitty thoughts?
And if it's not US allowing them, then WHO is?
Who is accusing you of being a dirty lowlife who'll never be able to stop wanking?
Certain is when we concede with such thoughts we'll stay trapped in the vicious cycle.
Yet, we, as in humanity, can't seem to get out of it on our own strength.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on March 28, 2019, 10:16:24 AM
March 28, 2019
METANOIA
Quote

Hi folks,

Just giving a small update, since its been a while.

It must be more than a month now that I haven't watched nudity.
Best of all, the time passed without craving.
So there wasn't much of a physical-mental struggle.

I've come to realize Christ already won the battle and calls us to give up our fleshy cravings and renew our spirit under the guidance of Gods love.
This might sound a whole lot like vague religious talk, but it's a highly practical process and the one thing that can really set you free from bondage.

Let me tell you I have been highly addicted to porn and cybersex for about ten years from which half of those years have been a real ugly life to death suffering.
I'd be so defeated by every relapse I'd go through and over the years I tried various strategies to overcome without success worth mentioning.
At best I'd make 3 weeks without sexual release, straining my willpower to its limits, but the desire for cybersex would remain.
I've tried meditation and breath-work and plunged my Self into the world of occult meta-physical practices to gain control over my sexual energy, only resulting in a more dangerous sexual hunger.
All that is over now. This day to day battle with lust no longer is mine.
My heart is changing and so are my desires.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on April 04, 2019, 02:13:05 PM
April 4, 2019
SLEEP PARALYSIS
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Memories they haunt me, they follow me...
I suffer from a vague sleep disorder ever since I seriously made progress in giving up this crutch named porn.
Thats about three years of waking up exhausted, mildly paralysed, mentally gripped.
Some nights it felt like I had fought with a bear.
Often I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep.
A good nights rest I consider a luxury. Still im struggling at night.
For years I’d spent the nighttime hunting girls in the cyber arena.
When in the morning It hadn’t worked out I resorted to porn and soon after fell asleep while the birds started chirping.
I had turned night into day flipping around Gods natural order.
And I payed dearly for this foolishness.

Metanoia can be seen as a change of mind.
To go beyond our limited and stern point of view and make room for Gods perspective.
Relying on my own intellect I will not overcome this battle,
 but with Jesus as my shepherd I can safely lay down in the grass and fall asleep carried by the comfort and reassurance of Gods gentle presence.
That is my belief and that is what gives me hope I just might wake up replenished the next morning.

Title: Re: Quest for Innocence
Post by: Joost! on April 09, 2019, 04:21:03 PM
April 9, 2019

Quote

Just checking in for today.
I can't remember my last relapse which is great.
Upon opening the browser I was slightly tempted to watch some nudity, but given it deeper thought it seems absurd.
What gives me the justification to arouse myself using the images of some one's body? I'm mildly repulsed.
Not too long ago it was normality for me to do so, but all is different now.
Sure, I can still be tempted by the attractiveness and charm of women, but my heart longs for a woman who is modest, loves God and has her mind on family.
Porn is the antithesis of those things.
It leads to gluttony, it spits on the image of God and it destroys families.

Besides all that, i'm enjoying the fact that I can get stuff done successfully, no longer suffer from brain fog.
Here and there my mind freezes, but it's far from the total neurological apathy I was in 5 years ago due to constant porn consumption.

Get real guys. If you're addicted to this evil, you're in a spiritual battle.
The lusts of the flesh are a result of the fallen creation we find ourselves in.
Seek the Kingdom of God and if you do with all your heart, you can be sure Christ will open your eyes and guide you through the healing of your broken spirit.
 You'll be amazed of how your world will change for the better.

Title: Re: Metanoia
Post by: Joost! on April 15, 2019, 04:14:30 AM
April 15, 2019
CRUX OF THE MATTER
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Last friday I was overcome by temptation and gave in.
The flesh can't overcome its own desires.
That is why Christ calls all men to die to Self.
Our carnal desires are to be crucified with Him, so we can be reborn in spirit and receive new appetites.
This is the process of metanoia.
It's a recognition of the corrupted nature of ... well nature.
A turning away from our own wicked mental schemes and a deliverance unto God.
It's saying: "I can't do it, please lead me in your perfected ways."
Needless to say this asks for us to lay off pride.

My desires still burn for a girl. I had set my mind on her possessively, yet I claimed love.
My inner nature was torn apart by not being able to have what I wanted.
My mind corrupted by the images of porn.
My heart closed off like foreign territory.
I still love what you did to me.
How you changed me by simply being true.
No mask of deception.

Only God could bring us together.
My schemes have proved themselves false.

(https://i.imgur.com/oeifbeQ.jpg)

I can't let these desires burn on
Uncrucified lusts of the flesh
I wanted your body, mind and soul
but more than that my spirits rest.

I liked you, I loved you, I lost you and went insane
Pride brought me before the devil
I tried to play his mental game
But as it is, it's foolishness, to trick or treat that ancient snake
He wrapped me in his hollow hurt, his weeping was a lie

I danced in flames, refused to cry, my sorrow black as tar
A hellish dance, I chose to lie and bottled up my heart

"Now, cometh as you are, my weary child"
a gentle voice said from afar.
I took His hand
the Prince of Peace, the One who guides me home.
I live by Faith, i'm saved by Grace, not-a-thousand rosary's
can add to what's already done
by Gods eternal Son.
Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on May 02, 2019, 02:53:13 AM
May 2, 2019
THE LOGOS vs. A.I.
Quote

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made, and without Him nothing was made that has been made.
In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
  [Gospel of John]

The greek term used for 'Word' is Logos. A well known philosophical term in the days John wrote these verses.
The Logos in Greek thought was seen as some divine principal order, from which all life that is, originated, lives through and will return to.
John identifies Jesus Christ as the Logos made flesh. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us... [John 1:14]
In contradiction to Greek thinking the Logos wasn't just an impersonal overarching principal. No, it was a man, known as Jesus Christ.
And we all know what happened to him. The world rejected the perfect blameless Son of God and put him to death.
Yet, because sin wasn't found in him, he was immediately resurrected by the spirit of the eternal Father (God) and appeared to those disciples that did believe in him, in heavenly form.
Now He lives and rules over us as the only righteous king.

Now enter the modern world we find ourselves in.
Instead of submitting our fragile lives to the living Logos of God we either live according to the standards of our flesh or let our minds be dictated by the increasingly aggressive A.I. structures.
Where Jesus is alive, A.I. is a cold intellect computing system. It's a dead 'thing', mimicking life.
Where Jesus promises eternal life to those who believe in him and submit to his divine guidance, A.I. promises us 'eternal life' by hooking our minds into a lifeless computing matrix in which we can be our own gods without having to report back to the One who birthed life.   

We are sinners in need of righteous King. A righteous King is one that acts out of love for his people.
Who judges fairly yet forgives our transgressions when we repent. You won't find that King within this world.
My Kingdom is not of this world, Jesus said. But of the world to come. And it is that world that I long for.
But it takes action on our part as well. It all starts by realizing we're not sufficiently strong to overcome sin within our own power.
This we all have experienced time and time again in this battle against the sexual desires of the flesh.
Ask the one who took all sin of the world upon him despite being sinless for help in your struggle.
In His eternal righteousness He already knows your heart and is willing to transform it from darkness into the Light, which is Himself.
Than you'll know he loves you, despite having transgressed His eternal law. For he knows you are weak.
And it's within that weakness you'll find strength within Him.

Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on May 06, 2019, 04:18:33 PM
May 6, 2019
The Spirit, the flesh
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Take heed my fellow sufferers. I'm talking to those who hate their own behavior.
Those who realize they are slaves to their flesh. You are called to be free.
God knows your weakness and knows its the strength of his Holy Spirit you need to resist temptation.
If you live according to the desires of the flesh, you'll die spiritually.
For the flesh alone can not know God and all its attempts to get closer to Him are futile. 
You masturbate and feel empty. You have sex and feel disconnection again.
You think this is life?
Seems a rather cruel pointless thing.

Maybe some of you were like me.
You've heard the stories about Jesus when you were young and thought "hell no, if I submit to Him I can't do all these fun things."
I was like that. I had experienced God's love but chose to follow my own nature. So what's God to do?
He loves His creation, so He let's us free. Now seriously, think a minute about that. That's love.
He isn't going going to grab your hand and forcefully pull you towards Him.
He longs for you to discover your true heritage. He made us with a spirit.
That's what we live through, even though many are either numb or blinded spiritually.
We are taught to take care of our bodies, maybe our brains, but what about our spirit?
Who gave it to you? Do you nurture it?
Do you listen to it as you listen to the signals of your stomach?

I know I don't do that nearly enough.
There's so much distraction nowadays, I get confused.
But I know Jesus is there for us amidst all of the noise. Amidst all of the hissing snakes.
He comes in the spirit of His Father and brings incredible peace. A peace that's not of this world.
A peace in which you feel totally covered and there's absolutely no need for anything. No chase, no restless tension.
 An eternal peace for the weary soul.
I'm thankful for having experienced it, but it's so easy to forget.
It's so easy to get trapped in the old patterns again.
To live according to the standards of the flesh instead of living by His gentle lead.
Please Lord Jesus, light the way for me, so I can see clearly again.
Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on May 11, 2019, 02:47:34 PM
Mai 11, 2019
Quote

It's been almost a month since the last relapse. I haven't had any desires to watch porn.
One night I almost gave in to tempting thoughts of fantasy, but I got corrected in mind and spirit. I went to sleep and that night I was attacked by something in my dream.
It has been said this is a battle in the mind and there's a lot of weight to that.
Ever since I got out of occult practice and the darkness of lust was shown to me in Gods light, I've been battling disturbing thoughts.
'Random' pervertedness trying to get me to lose concentration when reading. Convicting thoughts. All kinds of demonic poison.
It's the ancient liar, trying to pull me back into the dark. 

Truth is and stays that Jesus is King and I've submitted my life to Him.
With that assurance I finally can rest after a decade of 'soul-searching.'
It might take time to break down all the treacherous thought patterns but I have trust in that God will renew my mind.

Again I'm going to say, don't fool yourselves guys. A life guided by the desires of the flesh isn't worth it.
Gods Holy Spirit is available for those who chose to repent from their selfish ways. It's turning back to what you once all longed for.
Try to see past your religious programming. This is about being the man you are meant to be in Gods divine light, instead of conforming yourself to the standards of society.
This is about true freedom, love and peace. This is about the children of wrath becoming children of light. Take it from someone who was deeply embedded in darkness.

Might have to write a testimony sometime :D

Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on May 15, 2019, 02:11:48 AM
May 15, 2019
PORNOFIXATION
Quote

In this post I want to make the argument that porn (etymological meaning: prostitution), masturbation and all forms of sexual lust are idolatrous practices that lead to death.
Most of us start out with masturbation. We hold an image in our mind of another human being and use it for what is pure self-gratification. This is where the trouble starts.
The taking of living being created in the light of God and reduce it to a mental fantasy for our own sexual pleasure. It's egoistic and a form of idol worship.
Basically while masturbating you worship the body and/or personality of that human being in the false hope of it bringing you happiness.
An (mental) image obviously never can bring you true happiness, for it's just a shadow of the actual human being.

Now to watching porn (prostitution) and having casual sex out of lust.
In the latter there is human contact, but it's lacking love and thus again the gratification sought by both persons is selfish.
The 'love' of self is not the love of God.
And where the one leads away from a life with God, logically resulting in death,
the other is the realization that God is love and as long as live is lived through the love of God, it's an eternal life.
For God is eternal.

In no way I want to condemn anyone. We have all fallen short when it comes to loving God, listening to His voice and doing His word.
Blessed with a rich imagination I've misused my mind in countless ways as I was a slave of my lust.
When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment in Gods Law was he answered the following:
 
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Let's put the second commandment next to the practice of masturbation or watching porn.
Are you loving that girl who's images you masturbate to by having reduced her to a mere fragment of who she really is?
Would you want to be reduced to an object of someone else's pleasure?
Love isn't unhealthy fixation.
Love gives more than it takes.
Love first looks to God and asks for His guidance, for we weren't created to live by ourselves.

Have a blessed day.

Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: Joost! on May 27, 2019, 07:57:24 AM
Abstaining isn't recovery.
What's the point being 'clean' for several months when you haven't changed your life values? You'll just end up going down the same destructive route again sooner or later.

Here are some of the negative values that made up my character while being an addict:

egocentrism
weak-willedness
calculativeness
vanity
shyness
pretentiousness


They all fed into the stronghold called addiction and without replacing them with some healthy life values that 'building' is still standing somewhere in me.
The Recovery Nation Workshop works with pro-active action plans instead of simply abstaining. The goal is to actively commit to plans which strengthen positive values.
This will create a structural backbone in your life, so in times of hardship you won't have to rely on your old values. I recommend it to anyone taking this serious.

Then on here I see those who want to quit porn to get laid more often. The level of self-deception is high in that one. 'Getting' woman will never make you feel more of a man.
Unless you consider Hugh Hefner the epitome of manliness.
I see people pridefully talk about their sexual encounters with women, reminiscing those days, not realizing this hook-up lifestyle is the very reason they have become slaves to the porn.
Title: Re: Metanoia, a journey of faith
Post by: MaterDeiOraProNobis on May 28, 2019, 10:46:17 AM
Abstaining isn't recovery.
What's the point being 'clean' for several months when you haven't changed your life values? You'll just end up going down the same destructive route again sooner or later.

Here are some of the negative values that made up my character while being an addict:

egocentrism
weak-willedness
calculativeness
vanity
shyness
pretentiousness


They all fed into the stronghold called addiction and without replacing them with some healthy life values that 'building' is still standing somewhere in me.
The Recovery Nation Workshop works with pro-active action plans instead of simply abstaining. The goal is to actively commit to plans which strengthen positive values.
This will create a structural backbone in your life, so in times of hardship you won't have to rely on your old values. I recommend it to anyone taking this serious.

Then on here I see those who want to quit porn to get laid more often. The level of self-deception is high in that one. 'Getting' woman will never make you feel more of a man.
Unless you consider Hugh Hefner the epitome of manliness.
I see people pridefully talk about their sexual encounters with women, reminiscing those days, not realizing this hook-up lifestyle is the very reason they have become slaves to the porn.

Great post, I completely agree. Sexuality should be used in marriage and in the context of potential procreation. Otherwise, it is improper and leads to the qualities you mentioned. I absolutely have experienced being calculating when thinking of times and ways I can look at porn alone. It's crazy.