Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: changemylife on December 03, 2018, 10:25:28 AM

Title: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 03, 2018, 10:25:28 AM
I've been masturbating since I was 5 or 6 years old. I don't even know how I've started but, somehow, I've learned how to lie face down, rub my dick against the bed and stimulate myself, mentally, to orgasm. I didn't know it was called "masturbation". For a period of time, I did it without porn. I must've been 13 or so when I understood how to do it with my hand, I found out what it was called and that my practice and this were the same thing.

My first encounter with porn came in the form of nudity from movies then pictures but I've begun watching Softcore movies at the end of every week, after midnight, when I was 14.

I got Internet at 16 and I watched Hardcore porn daily. For about 12 years, I masturbated everyday, as many times as I could, and never without porn since I've installed Internet. After that, I've reduced PMO sessions to sometimes once, sometimes twice or three times a week, never progressing past that. I've had a few streaks away from porn and masturbation but that's it. I've never completed even 1 month.

As far as I could remember, I've always had social anxiety. But as far as I could remember, I always masturbated. Maybe the excessive masturbation has created my social anxiety, or, at least, it has made it worse. One thing I can tell for sure: My social anxiety was worse than ever after I'd started watching porn daily. Sometimes I watched without masturbating, just watching movies like that. It has to be some correlation.

I've never could make friends easily and I could never maintain them too much either. I can count on my fingers how many friends I've had in my life, never more than 2 at the same time. The majority of time just 1. Since I was 22, I've lost my 2 friends and I've become completely lonely. I suffered from crippling social anxiety, crippling depression, panic and panic attacks. Because of them, I've isolated myself, unable to leave my home. Also, because of this lifestyle, I abused alcohol and I've become addicted to Internet.

In six years, since I've graduated from college, I've only worked for a total of 5 months. I've never had a girlfriend, I'm a virgin, I've never been on a date and I can't talk to girls. Masturbation and porn have turned me into a passive, scared, docile, submissive little boy. Girls don't want guys like that.

I am 28 years old and I am a porn addict, an Internet addict and, to some extent, alcohol addict. My lifestyle in the present is as laughable as it's been in the last 6 years. It's pathetic.




Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 04, 2018, 04:10:51 AM
Day 3

I have a stupid habit in the morning when I start edging to the images in my head. This morning was no different. Images flooded my mind and I couldn't stop them. I had a moment of "Do it!" vs "Don't do it!" But I left my bedroom and it worked. I will try it again.
Urges are pretty strong. I don't know, I used to handle better the first 3 days.

Later: I've relapsed. This addiction is like heroin, for Christ's sake! I can't believe that something that doesn't involve external substances could be this hard. And I haven't even progressed. I relapsed again on day 3. Now I have to start again FUCK!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 05, 2018, 06:31:44 AM
Day 1

A little bit of fantasizing in the morning but no urges all day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 05, 2018, 12:46:02 PM
I have a very similar history. I started pornography around the age of 14 and recently completed 28 years. Just like you I'm tired of all this mess in life caused by pmo. I hope we can do this reboot successfully. (I'm from Brazil, so sorry for my English). Have a nice day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 06, 2018, 06:37:23 AM
Day 2

As usual, images invaded my mind in the morning and I couldn't get rid of them. I had to stop trying to sleep more and go to the kitchen in order to avoid edging. Hours later, urges started to build up but they were manageable and then disappeared.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: zander13 on December 06, 2018, 08:34:04 PM
Good luck my man. People love to use the word "urges", but I think it's better to picture it as your brain wanting a rush of chemicals that its used to getting. Helped me see it that way, rather than feeling as if you're fighting porn itself, you're really fighting a scientific, biological, evolutionary process.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 07, 2018, 04:22:50 AM
Good luck my man. People love to use the word "urges", but I think it's better to picture it as your brain wanting a rush of chemicals that its used to getting. Helped me see it that way, rather than feeling as if you're fighting porn itself, you're really fighting a scientific, biological, evolutionary process.

Thank you, man. You are right about that. We don't fight porn itself, we fight the brain and porn happens to be what releases our dopamine. It could be gambling, drugs or anything else.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 07, 2018, 07:43:17 AM
Day 3

3rd day has been the day when I've been relapsing recently and, of course, my brain knows this, so it starts bringing the urges to remind me it needs that dopamine "high". But I fought my way out of it. Urges were not hard, though. If I don't give dopamine to my brain for days, it reacts aggressively, shouting at me: "When are you going to give me that dopamine release?" And it bombards me with strong urges that take away my thinking and I act on impulse. Conclusion taken from this: "Stop and think. Don't act on the impulse. Create a habit when you stop for a minute and think about why you don't need PMO in your life. This will also help you to distract yourself."

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 07, 2018, 09:14:43 AM
Hey!
As you said, its appalling how a non chemical addiction can bring one to his knees. It's sad there's not enough education about porn addiction. It's infuriating how culture makes you think porn is fun/funny/harmless or even a healthy expression of sexuality!

I'll be watching your thread and I'll befriend you if you don't mind :-) maybe this might help you elongate your abstinence period, I mean since someone has his eyes on you(?)
Besides, I have some advice if you don't mind:
1- You can take a week off and go on a trip somewhere, on the condition that you won't bring internet with you. Idk how. But if this is possible definitely give it a shot! A week of abstinence will break this cycle and allow for longer periods.
2- **TRIGGER ALERT**You can try detaching masturbation from porn as I'm trying to do (take a look at my post named "Omarov keeps up the win"). If the urge is unbearable and you're about to view porn, try killing the urge for sometime by fapping without porn.
3- Try gradually elongating your nofap or no PMO period. Set realistic goals that you can achieve and go easy on yourself even it will take longer to get completely cured from the addiction.

Take a look at my story and encourage me in return. That might keep you motivated too. I know my crisis is milder than yours. But we can help each other nevertheless! Kindly accept my best regards :-)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 07, 2018, 10:04:05 AM
Omarov, thanks man! Good advice. Yes, let's do this together. I don't think I can really do this alone. I've been looking for someone to do this with me, encouraging each other, giving each other advises and information that we find alone the way.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 07, 2018, 01:42:30 PM
Today is the day for you. don't disappoint us. in particular, don't disappoint yourself. we are sure that you are stronger than these impulses. In addition to thinking before reacting to impulses, another alternative that can help decrease compulsions is to take a deep breath for at least 3 times. do it again and again until you notice that the compulsion has lost its strength. This has already worked for me and can work for you too. Or even doing some physical activity or walking, preferably in outdoors places, away from any screen. nature is there to help us. be brave man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 07, 2018, 02:02:00 PM
Kaingang, thanks man! Good advice. Yes, your method also works. The idea was to distract myself when I have those impulses. I noticed that I don't actually think rationally when they come so I stop for a minute and look at it better and remind myself why I shouldn't follow the impulses. But anything that could distract you until the urge passes is also good and welcome.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 08, 2018, 04:46:13 AM
When the urges are hard, the brain likes to whisper in my ear: "With your urges right now, if you watch porn, you will turn yourself on like crazy and then if you masturbate, the orgasm will send you to the moon." But I know it's not true because the high is not that great and, even if it were great, I couldn't enjoy it to the fullest because the destroyed feeling I get when I relapse overlaps it and I end up feeling not that great. So, looking at how it manifests for me, why bother? I like the feeling of well-being brought by staying away from PMO. Also, knowing that I'm doing great brings me a feeling of achievement that contributes to my well-being as well.
I have a plan and I feel like I can complete it and be free.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 09, 2018, 09:43:46 AM
Can you believe it's soon gonna be a full clean week for you? Keep going! whenever you feel weak do nothing but logging in and skimming through the forum. Get yourself an ice cream on the 7th day, and brace yourself for a second awesome week ;)
Avoid alone time.
Avoid boredom at all costs.
Keep yourself busy with chores.
Very excited for you man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 09, 2018, 02:34:29 PM
Omarov thanks man! The secret was to only focus on a day at a time. 'i don't want to relapse today. I don't care about a month, a year or whatever, I only want not to relapse today." it made a tone of difference for me. I don't know if it works for everybody, but it works for me.
Avoiding bored and alone time it's also an ingredient for success, that's why I pick up hard things that take a lot of time to complete, because they really take a lot of my time which makes me avoid having nothing to do.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 03:59:47 AM
I have the plan for today and I want to keep myself busy. I need to stay away from being alone with the Internet and start thinking about  getting high (on PMO). Fuck the chemical drugs, the non-chemical drugs, alcohol and everything. I don't need any stimulant.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 10, 2018, 07:04:57 AM
That's the spirit! Pick what works for you and go with it. I've been trying to quit for years now and I've learned a lot on my way. By time, your tools and experience will get more diverse and complex and will complement each other. In other words, you get more skilled at trying to quit with time. An ultimate cure is guaranteed as long as you're determined!
You've been amazing the past few days I must say. Keep it up and give us a success story to admire!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 07:57:32 AM
Thanks, man! Your support is also one of the things that add to my recovery.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 08:08:52 AM
Plan for everyday:

1) Write down the things I need to do for that day;
2) Start doing them one at a time;
3) Avoid being alone, bored, in front of the computer;
4) Avoid social media and Youtube (I'm sick and tired of all the whores promoted aggressively);
5) If I feel down, I need to solve it in a natural way, not self-medicating;
6) Have a positive attitude. A negative mind is the perfect victim for escapism;
7) Don't give in to temptations.


Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: hockeyref33 on December 10, 2018, 08:53:21 AM
I'm with you brother. i'm on day 29 of being sober. it's extremely difficult. I've changed my daily schedule. My most difficult time was after work when i was at the gym working out. Seeing all the beautiful ladies in their workout gear was to much. i would often masturbate in the shower at the gym. I now work out at 3am when the gym is pretty much empty. it has helped me so much. Another thing is the add filters to your internet. Ask someone to set passcodes so you can't even get to the sites that draw you in.  Have a great sober day!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 08:57:54 AM
I'm with you brother. i'm on day 29 of being sober. it's extremely difficult. I've changed my daily schedule. My most difficult time was after work when i was at the gym working out. Seeing all the beautiful ladies in their workout gear was to much. i would often masturbate in the shower at the gym. I now work out at 3am when the gym is pretty much empty. it has helped me so much. Another thing is the add filters to your internet. Ask someone to set passcodes so you can't even get to the sites that draw you in.  Have a great sober day!

Thank you, man! I feel you. Actually, I've been thinking about this filter thing. I need to ask someone to choose a password and never tell me. Another thing is, as you said about going to gym at 3 A.M to avoid triggers, the conclusion is clear: If we want, we can do it, there is no excuse. If we really want to beat this problem, we will find solutions and avoid the triggers. Good luck.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 01:56:08 PM
it's possible that a very tough mental period will come because there have been discussions about mom bringing someone to live in our home and I hate this shit. I hate that person from the bottom of my heart. I am depressed right now only thinking about it and this will be a challenge for my recovery too because the biggest reason why I PMO is self-medication, I do it like heroin.
The only good thing from this nightmare is the conclusion: "Life will throw very hard times at you and you should learn to deal with them like a normal human being, not like a junkie."
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 10, 2018, 02:10:44 PM
Life will always bring us challenges that we will have to deal with. The difference now is how we deal with this problems. I believe that how we deal with problems is also part of the reboot. If in the past we discounted everything in pornography and alcohol (which makes our situation even worse), now is the time to deal with it differently and face the problems properly. Good luck! Count on our support.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 02:13:49 PM
Yes, well, this situation is a fucking nightmare if the person moves to our home cause I really really hate that person and this will fuck me up and make me depressed and angry all day! This is a very tough challenge for my recovery as well because I've never known how to deal with problems in a normal way, only running to my room and escaping in addictions. Now a part of the recovery is learning how to deal with my life in a normal way but it's too soon, I just started and now this fucking nightmare! Life has no mercy for me, man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 10, 2018, 02:17:25 PM
That's too bad! But I think only the first few days of the new situation are gonna be the hardest, so if you stay clear from PMO during that period it will only get easier with time but if you relapse, then it never will. Remember that.
I also agree with Kaingang.
A thing I would consider is to spend as much time as I can outdoors especially in the first few days of such a situation.
Good luck and never stop winning!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 10, 2018, 02:18:55 PM
Yes, I hope it gets better after a few days.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 12, 2018, 10:49:41 AM
I hope things are going well. do not let these bad situations mess your recovery. follow that daily list that you have planned, do not be alone, seek outdoor activities and think that you will be even stronger after this bad situation. I'm imagine that it's not easy but We're on this walk together.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 12, 2018, 11:10:27 AM
Thanks, man! So far that person hasn't come. I don't even know what's going on but whatever. I need to keep myself busy and distracted from spending idle time, thinking about hate. Hate is chain that keeps you tight and slave. Be free of hate like Jesus who even loved his enemies. Only when you are free of hate and negativism, you can get you're peace of mind.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 13, 2018, 02:43:00 PM
Maybe this is what people call "flatline"? Today I had no urges but I also felt empty, like void of emotions. It feels strange when I thought it should've felt great. But I look at the good part: No urges means no need to PMO.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 13, 2018, 05:05:31 PM
The first step is making yourself ready for the change. If you are not ready, you will fail on the way. You will get stuck in that loop of "Fail but I'll do it this time then fail again then I'll do it this time then fail again..." You get the idea.
The right mindset is necessary from the beginning. There is no "I can't". I've seen people achieving what they had wanted to achieve even when all odds were against them and it had become safe for people to say they had no chance. If you want, you can. Simply the mindset of telling yourself you can do anything, will make you do your best and the results will come.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 14, 2018, 03:52:23 PM
Omarov has said something interesting in "Not counting the days anymore". It made me think. Maybe it could work for me. I should focus on the overall progress, not obsessing over how many days I have. Because like this, I always go back to day 1 and it's not day 1 if you've made progress.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on December 14, 2018, 09:31:10 PM
Omarov has said something interesting in "Not counting the days anymore". It made me think. Maybe it could work for me. I should focus on the overall progress, not obsessing over how many days I have. Because like this, I always go back to day 1 and it's not day 1 if you've made progress.


This is very important. We can go a few weeks and not make growth or improve our lives, we just stay away from porn. Or we can within a few days tackle a few key personal issues. And progress is not lost with a lapse necessarily, we may have just found another issue we need to address.

Make the day count, rather than count the day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 15, 2018, 03:18:23 AM
Make the day count rather than count the day!

One. Day. At. A. Time.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 15, 2018, 05:31:00 AM
Omarov has said something interesting in "Not counting the days anymore". It made me think. Maybe it could work for me. I should focus on the overall progress, not obsessing over how many days I have. Because like this, I always go back to day 1 and it's not day 1 if you've made progress.


This is very important. We can go a few weeks and not make growth or improve our lives, we just stay away from porn. Or we can within a few days tackle a few key personal issues. And progress is not lost with a lapse necessarily, we may have just found another issue we need to address.

Make the day count, rather than count the day.

I mega agree with you!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 15, 2018, 05:32:18 AM
Make the day count rather than count the day!

One. Day. At. A. Time.

That's riiiiiight!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 15, 2018, 05:46:58 AM
Another entry in the journal:

I have problems with sleep. I feel tired going to bed but then it's like I'm plugged into a socket and I can't turn myself off to sleep. Last night, I was up at 4 in the fucking morning! I managed to sleep 3 damn hours! Is this a symptom of my abstinence from PMO in the last days? I hope it goes away.
Funny thing though: All the energy that builds in me by abstaining from PMO makes me less tired that I would've normally been had I slept only three hours a night but PMOed regularly.
Peace.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Do or die on December 15, 2018, 05:50:46 AM
its withdrawal symptom
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 16, 2018, 07:58:42 AM
I will separate the mind from the soul. The mind likes sin, it likes pleasure, it likes hate, adrenaline and doing bad things. The conclusion is clear: My mind is not my friend.
I should listen to my soul. My soul is the real me and I don't even pay attention to it. Fuck living for pleasure and sin. I want to live for wisdom and happiness.
Happiness is not pleasure. Here is the difference: It takes a few minutes of PMO to get to pleasure. It takes a few minutes after starting drinking to get to pleasure. It takes a lifetime to get to happiness. Therefore, happiness is, for me, like playing piano; I need to work really hard and for a long time to achieve this.
That's why pleasure seems a better option: A lifetime to get to happiness or a few minutes to get to pleasure? It's a battle, a tightrope but who's in control? Are you in control or do you let your mind dictate everything?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 16, 2018, 09:25:40 AM
You've brought up an idea that most people (whether addicted to porn or not) struggle with but don't have the words to express or the motivation to bring up. And I'm so happy that you reached the point where you can frankly advocate this idea and bind yourself to it.
Also, to add to what you've said, a lot of us who've made such long streaks with continuous weeks of no urges to view porn will feel very safe from relapsing and will come to think that they've completely rebooted, but they still don't have the reboot mindset, so the brain starts to drag them bit by bit to the same place where they used to view porn as not only enjoyable but also required at some point. Even in your strongest moments, the brain will always wait for the right time to reintroduce the idea that porn is fun, and will start to debate the idea of abstinence and doubt the possibility of quitting.
Therefore, in order to completely recover, you must bring your "soul" with you in the fight. It's not just a tally of pros and cons. It's a matter of what your soul wants vs what your brain keeps craving. I love how you put it.
However much we might feel far from relapsing, we should always keep reminding ourselves. We should keep reading our journals from top to bottom because they contain messages that we wrote for ourselves in the moments of weakness, and encouragement/ advice from our fellow rebooters. Keep reminding yourself why you quit, and why porn should remain a thing of the past, that's the reboot mindset.
The porn/pleasure mentality feeds on forgetfulness.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 17, 2018, 07:24:26 AM
I remind myself everyday of reading other people's advises who have known how to do this better than me.

This is one of them:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/abstinence-is-not-recovery-why-people-fail-to-cure-their-pied/
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 17, 2018, 11:57:25 AM
Very good reflections. Thanks for sharing! One life filled with pleasure and pain or one life with happiness and wisdom. You're right. We need to make that choice.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 17, 2018, 12:18:20 PM
Very good reflections. Thanks for sharing! One life filled with pleasure and pain or one life with happiness and wisdom. You're right. We need to make that choice.

Pleasure is a vicious circle. It last a little then you want more and then it last a little, you want more... And the circle goes over and over. Happiness is something very hard to achieve but once you find your happiness, it lasts for life. Happiness, in my opinion, is the peace of mind. The balance in your life. Being happy with who you are and what you're life is. I can't say in this moment I fit any of that criteria. But I fit the criteria of pleasure sicker. Pleasure never lasts too much. I've reached the point where it doesn't even last at all. Even when I relapse, we're talking about a few minutes of pleasure. It's not worth it. There is a reason why Buddhists, for example, don't want to live for pleasure. I guess when you become an addict, you understand really really well why you don't want to be the slave of pleasure. I liked pleasure now I detest it.
People make a confusion and see happiness as pleasure. Pleasure doesn't lead to happiness. They are 2 different things. One can be very destructive. It's been very destructive in my life. Namely pleasure.
I want to find my peace of mind but who knows how fucking long this will take.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 17, 2018, 02:00:44 PM
it is true. Pleasure is always quick and easy to access. always comes with some form of pain. it's never enough. always ask for more and more. happiness or peace is not something you need to looking for outside. it just comes from within you. maybe that's why it's so hard to achieve. I think we already know what we don't want for our lives. a life guided by pleasure. slaves of momentary pleasures that leave us miserable when their effect ends. one way is harder than the other but for sure. but it's the best way to go.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 18, 2018, 04:31:25 AM
This fucking brain has a way to make me think that a relapse is okay. "You're going throw tough times now: You have urges, you're emotions fluctuate so this is pretty hard. You could relapse today, to 'calm yourself down' and then you can always quit next time." And this message becomes so fucking believable! But, of course I've been through this before and I know it doesn't work because there is never a "next time" when I'm more balanced, when urges are easier or whatever. So that fucking message that my brain is trying to tell me goes out the window. Bye-bye.
Hard urges inevitable come. But I might as well go through them once and that's it instead of going through them over and over again because I restart after a relapse.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 18, 2018, 06:53:43 AM
This fucking brain has a way to make me think that a relapse is okay. "You're going throw tough times now: You have urges, you're emotions fluctuate so this is pretty hard. You could relapse today, to 'calm yourself down' and then you can always quit next time." And this message becomes so fucking believable! But, of course I've been through this before and I know it doesn't work because there is never a "next time" when I'm more balanced, when urges are easier or whatever. So that fucking message that my brain is trying to tell me goes out the window. Bye-bye.
Hard urges inevitable come. But I might as well go through them once and that's it instead of going through them over and over again because I restart after a relapse.

Right on! I wish I remembered all that before my last slip. Keep reminding yourself. Never put yourself in the situation where it's easy to relapse. Pay extra effort to discipline your brain and fight off ridiculous ideas like that one. Always respond to your brain that way: If a relapse will make it easy for the coming days, not relapsing will make it easier FOREVER. You don't need that extra round of urges in the future and that's why you prefer to kill them off now than to relapse then inevitably suffer again.
Remember, betraying your resolutions will weaken them for you! Next time won't be easier and more balanced, it would be harder and more tiresome. If you're looking for the easiest reboot available then it's the one you're doing right now.
Stay strong and focused!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 18, 2018, 07:04:07 AM
Omarov, thanks man! That's right. As my mind has never been my ally, I don't need to listen to all the bullshit it tells me. It's only good for "it" but not good for me. The easier period after a relapse seems like a worth escape from withdrawal but it's not. It's just postponing the next round of withdrawal. I might as well go through it once and be done with cause it never gets easier for me anyway.
At this point I'm only a porn junkie who practices PMO to stop the withdrawal. There is no fun anymore.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 18, 2018, 02:31:57 PM
The LIGHT can be seen the best in DARKNESS.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 19, 2018, 06:10:46 AM
Today I feel pretty well mentally. Pretty balanced. The last days have been rough. But it's crazy that I feel well with my grandma bitching in my fucking kitchen.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 19, 2018, 06:21:19 AM
Wow that's very fortunate and encouraging. So happy to hear the good news. I guess now you can feel a glimpse of how porn-free happiness (aka genuine) feels like.
Thanks for spreading such good vibes!
Have a good day ;)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 19, 2018, 08:03:29 AM
Thanks man! I've been appreciating your support since day 1.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 19, 2018, 12:16:04 PM
This is important. after relapses we become more anxious, depressed and taken by different feelings that become even more difficult to cure this addiction. Our minds are always seeking some kind of satisfaction. We must be careful not to fool ourselves once more. We must be committed and use our intelligence for a better life. Stay strong!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 19, 2018, 01:10:26 PM
Thanks, man! Thanks for your support.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 19, 2018, 01:15:54 PM
I always remind myself to walk away from triggers. I was watching a TV series which was interesting but had "Softcore porn" scenes. They don't call it like that, obviously, but that's what they are. Just because it's not a "Softcore movie" it doesn't mean their scenes are not. And I hate those motherfuckers for doing this shit. Using porn to sell their shows, to make people watch. The first Softcore scene started but I skipped a few minutes later. All good then another one, more intense starts. I said: "You know what? Fuck that! I'm done! I'm not watching this show anymore if it's gonna have too much of this." I'm staying away from all those triggers even if it means missing out shows and stuff cause it's a tightrope, the smallest step wrong and I go back to binging. I don't need this right now.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 19, 2018, 02:21:25 PM
Dayum.
See? That's what someone who's truly ready for change would do in the face of triggers.
All abooooard the reboot train ;)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 19, 2018, 03:30:01 PM
Often, in order to quit an addiction, a guy needs to change his lifestyle and mindset. I thought about how should I start. I took a paper and wrote down what was detrimental for my recovery and then I've done the following things:
- I've stopped watching movies or series that have "softcore porn" in them (sex scenes, strippers dancing, naked tits etc). The reason is obvious.
- I've stopped visiting social media completely. The reason: Too many pictures that push me to seeking for more.
- When I need Youtube, I always log in so I could avoid the triggers in the thumbnail;
- I've stopped listening to sad, depressing music. It makes me... you got it: Sad and depressed which leads to: "I'll drink something or PMO to make myself feel a little better". I've thrown away such music and kept only the music without such attitude.
- I've been trying to avoid cry-babies and people with overall negative, bitching, sad-depressive attitude who don't want to do anything at all to change that. The reason: They will keep me at that level. I used to be like that and my 3 addictions loved me because I used them as self-medication. An emotional mess is a perfect victim for addictions. I'm finished with this and I need people with a similar mindset in my life. As a guy who suffered from what doctors would call: "Major depression", "Chronic depression" or whatever they call it, I am an example that you can stop being depressed, negative and cry-baby if you really want to.

We didn't choose to become addicts. It just happened. Getting stuck in the past and crying about why we had to become addicts, will do no good now. We didn't choose to be addicts but we choose to stay addicts. Right now, I'm aware of my addictions. I know I am an addict so I have no excuse and nothing to wait for. I write down the plan and start doing it. In the beginning, my negative mind reacted violently to my new, sudden change in attitude and tried to make me go back to being depressed. But I knew one thing: The mind gets used to everything after awhile. Just give it time. Eventually, your new mindset will replace the old one.

Okay, that's my opinion. Peace. Don't live for destructive pleasures!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 20, 2018, 10:09:22 AM
Reminder for myself why I must not edge: Anytime I edged in the past, I became anxious. I felt good, without anxiety, before that and then I started edging and my anxiety raised like a danger indicator in a video game. I will not edge, I don't need this anxiety in my day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Savagesauce on December 20, 2018, 02:01:45 PM
Good steps toward progress Changemylife! We seem to be doing similar things: avoiding negativity and letting go of harmful media. I hope it serves you well.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 20, 2018, 02:09:15 PM
Good steps toward progress Changemylife! We seem to be doing similar things: avoiding negativity and letting go of harmful media. I hope it serves you well.

That's right, thanks a lot, man! Thanks for your support!
Well, I looked at what fueled my addictions and I tried to avoid them. Negativity was a big part because it kept me depressed and addictions like depressed people. Media sneaks more and more "softcore porn" and they don't call it like that. I became sick of being their  "target client". "Let's put some tits, some fucking and this guy will bite."
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 20, 2018, 04:22:54 PM
Fuck porn.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 21, 2018, 07:20:47 AM
Humans have the ability to adapt to anything. If you feel that it's too scary outside of your comfort zone, remember that you will get used to it and then you won't be afraid anymore. If you don't want to do something because of fear, understand that you adapt to fear. You just need a little more time, that's all.
"Hold on, man! You have no idea what you're talking about! If you are scared, can you really face this fear for that period of time until you get used to it?" said the junkie who was afraid to live his bedroom.
"Of course. You face fear and then you get used to fear. Because you have 2 choices: Have the life you want or have nothing. Which one do you choose?" I said.
"I want to have the life I want but I'm scared to do it!"
"Forgive me for being over the top for a second but if I pointed a gun to your head, would you do it?"
"Huh? Well, if you put it this way... Yeah, I guess so."
"Remember that your fear of leaving your comfort zone is smaller than the fear you would have with that gun to your head."
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 21, 2018, 08:27:22 AM
you always bring good reflections man. Avoiding everything that may be toxic to us is a wise decision for sure. media, people and behaviors that we know will leave us feeling bad can and should be discarded.

days ago I was cleaning my room and throwing a few things out of the past. I started thinking that things of the past that do not add us anything else in our lives and on the contrary make it even worse should be discarded in the same way as we trow out things of the past that no longer have any meaning for us in our room. I know that it's not that easy but it's possible.

let's throw things out of the past and do something to live the life we'd always like to have. stay strong! 
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 21, 2018, 08:44:34 AM
Thanks man! Thanks for you support!
We cannot change the past. The past is... past. Things happened in the past and that's it. If we obsess about the past, if we cry about the past, if we keep ourselves addicted because of the past, it won't change the past. We live in present. We don't know what future will bring either. We live today. Your past is your past. Your duty is to do something today. Do the right thing today. Throw away all the negativity in your life, don't let people drag you down to depression. Write down a plan of what to do everyday and do it that day cause that's your present. If you don't do anything, nothing will come. We need to make an effort to do something everyday. Every day wasted drunk is lost. Every day wasted with PMO is lost. Every day wasted doing nothing is lost. Do something everyday.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 22, 2018, 10:41:59 AM
Beware of the age of darkness. Your hope should be the light to guide you out. Don't get used to the darkness by saying you can't leave it. You can. If the task seems hard, think about all the people you know or have read about who have accomplished things that for you seemed impossible. If they could do it, you can do it.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking: "Okay, man, but they are different from me. They have a strong mind. I am a loser." I repeat: if they could do it, you can do it. Yes, you could have a strong mind. If you don't have a strong mind by nature, train it. Train your mind to be strong.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 23, 2018, 04:30:14 PM
"Moderation" is a word that my mom likes to use a lot. She doesn't like me binge drinking and tells me to: "Drink in moderation". I don't know moderation. Maybe I've never know what "Moderation" is. I have an addictive personality, I am prone to becoming addicted to anything if it self-medicates me or makes me feel like I run away from my problems.
Going from binging to being disciplined and living a healthy life is really strange, to be honest. It feels fucking weird. Maybe this comes from that feeling of "Oh my God, I'm gonna live my life from now on without these pleasures?!" It's definitely something that I need time to get used to. I never knew what "Healthy lifestyle" meant. I didn't know what "Drink in moderation" or "Use Internet in moderation" meant. Of course, I've never discussed my porn use with anybody in real life (only this forum) so people in my life haven't had the chance to tell me: "Watch porn in moderation". Ha! Actually it's funny as hell. My parents would tell me to stop watching completely and they would be so right.
Watching porn had definitely made me develop this "hide in your bedroom" attitude. Even when I wasn't watching porn, I kept the door closed and acted like I was hiding something. I have never been comfortable with being "out there with everybody". I always had something to hide. I binged porn and masturbation up to 7 times a day so I was always in my bedroom jerking off and hiding this from my parents. I wonder if they knew. I remember some times when they almost caught me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 24, 2018, 04:45:20 AM
What if you live your life without "these pleasures" but get to experience the pleasures of addiction free life? They're much more sustainable and robust. And once you really know them, how much will you be hellbent on despising temporary guilty pleasures? They're not that pleasurable anyway after all the regret and self loathing. All those sequels undo that short lived pleasure and turns it into torture.
I know you know all that. But all we do is we keep reminding ourselves. We're in this together.
Well, if you can spend more time with people outside your room that would be definitely better, even if we're not talking about porn avoidance here.
And generally, always listen to your mum and trust her. And yes, she might've caught you once or twice, I think my mum caught me once (not the exact thing, but the way i answered when she asked me what I was doing on the internet. They have a way of knowing stuff). But she never brought it up, she just silently started paying more attention to me and befriending me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 24, 2018, 06:02:01 AM
That's right, man. Of course I know all that. It was just the truth. This what's going on through my head but obviously I've made the decision to walk away from that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.
Pleasure from these things? Not anymore, really. Because the depressive feeling of relapsing overlaps the "high" anyway. It's not fun anymore. It used to be. Probably every addict has a period, in the beginning, when it's fun. It's fun to drink with friends (that's how I started), it's fun to jerk off to porn and discuss about it (with my cousin), but then everyone reaches a point where they know they have to stop cause they abuse it. That's the thing with addictions: You end up abusing. They take their toll. They keep draining you and weakening you. In the beginning, I could drink and sober up without a hangover. That's right, I was just fresh. But then I couldn't do it anymore and the hangovers and stomach problems got to me. Same with porn but porn was more mental, it didn't act like alcohol but it fucked up my psychic.
However, when you see that you are more balanced, you have less anxiety, less depression, more energy, more concentration capacity, less brain fog etc. Overall, you are less "ill", then of course these things are way better than these destructive pleasures anyway.
And we all know how it feels all of a sudden to decide that you won't experience pleasure from porn, alcohol etc. for the rest of your life. It feels empty. This brings a depression somehow. I'll see what comes next. I know it's just for now, for this period of fighting the withdrawal. That's how I look at it. From other people's examples, I know this state will eventually go away.
I don't know what it's like to be completely sober for months. I'll have to get there. Right now I should have about 2 weeks or so without PMO (I've stopped counting the days) but I've been here before, in the past. I'll have to wait to really reach that real sobriety.
Thanks.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 24, 2018, 08:19:03 AM
Maybe, sometimes, we need darkness to see the light.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 24, 2018, 09:33:28 AM
A list of problems that PMO causes me:

- No mood to accomplish things. I just want to lie in the bed all day;
- Low energy;
- Brain fog: it's like I see through a steamed window;
- Poor concentration: I can't focus on one thing more than a couple of minutes;
- Poor memory: I have to read something 1000 times to remember it (as a side note: I was working for this company and I happened to be in the middle of a good streak without PMO. I just read an address only once then I lost the website. The boss came, asked me the address and I could remember it right away. I was even surprised by that. Usually, when I indulge in PMO, I am not able to remember things like that. Might go hand in hand with concentration);
- I have high anxiety and depression;
- I am not mentally stable;
- PMO makes my dopamine so low that I binge drinking afterwards, in a desperate attempt to elevate myself (because I exhaust the available high from PMO and then drinking doesn't even make me feel good, probably because I'm so numb, so low in dopamine or whatever).
- PMO makes me feel alone and unloved (for jerking off alone in my bedroom);
- Porn makes me desire some things that I used to find disgusting and every normal human being would find them disgusting (I've found prostitutes on websites charging for "cumshot". Porn has brainwashed us all);
- Porn doesn't make me want to love women, just to screw them and throw them away;
- Porn drains my "manhood" and makes me weak and passive.

I don't want to go back to PMO.

Porn is like the bullies. They start calling you names and if you show that you are affect by this, they do it more intensely, you can't get rid of them. Ignoring them, showing them that you don't care, makes them stop eventually cause they can't get their "kicks".


Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 24, 2018, 10:04:28 AM
Porn is like the bullies. They start calling you names and if you show that you are affect by this, they do it more intensely, you can't get rid of them. Ignoring them, showing them that you don't care, makes them stop eventually cause they can't get their "kicks".

You have a way of describing things! That's very true and relatable.
All those problems that you have said, are because of PMO. Solution: No more PMO. It's that easy! It's worth doing anything you can do to quit porn and to undo all the damage it had caused you. It's very reversible and you know it.
That's the gift you're gonna hand to the future you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: whereismoxy on December 24, 2018, 11:04:49 AM
Hey Change,

Just read your journal. Very similar to mine like you said. If you need support PM me and lets help each other.  I could use an accountability friend. I think we’re going to see better days though. Good luck & keep journaling.

Happy Holidays
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 24, 2018, 12:39:03 PM
Hey Change,

Just read your journal. Very similar to mine like you said. If you need support PM me and lets help each other.  I could use an accountability friend. I think we’re going to see better days though. Good luck & keep journaling.

Happy Holidays

Sure, man, I've sent you a PM, tell me if you've got it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 24, 2018, 01:56:50 PM
Fuck porn! Ah, I've said this already but repetition makes you learn.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 25, 2018, 10:48:50 AM
Don't stay in darkness forever because light has been around since the first day of this world. "Let there be light".
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 26, 2018, 07:44:13 AM
I masturbate once but the high is not what I anticipate. The crushed feeling I get when I relapse, overlaps the high. It's crazy how a relapse can move me from optimistic to super sad in a matter of minutes.
Then I keep masturbating again and again, trying to elevate myself from feeling that low and it doesn't work. Before I know, I've masturbated 7 times. But with every masturbation, I feel more anxious, more drained, more mentally unstable. I run away from everybody and lock myself in my room. I cover my face with my palms and feel really weird: I'm sitting on needles, ready to jump at every movement, everything annoys me and I feel so low that I'm desperate for anything to raise my dopamine.

This being said: I don't want to relapse and feel like that. No way! Fuck that! 10 seconds of pleasure and hours of that?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 26, 2018, 11:05:21 AM
Given the fact that January is so close, I'm launching the "Free January" challenge. For me and whoever reads this and wants to join.

It means no edging, no porn, no masturbation to porn or porn fantasies and no looking at bitches on Instagram or Facebook, for the January month.

Seeing something by mistake doesn't count. Only looking at/watching deliberately. But if you see something by mistake, staying there to keep staring moves to "deliberately". You close it right away.

Peace.

 
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 26, 2018, 11:32:54 AM
WOW I'm definitely in!!
I've deactivated facebook too. I'll try to make this permanent.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 26, 2018, 01:21:25 PM
WOW I'm definitely in!!
I've deactivated facebook too. I'll try to make this permanent.

That's right, bro. Stay away from Facebook cause it's detrimental. I don't even remember when I've last logged in.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 26, 2018, 01:53:58 PM
Everyday I read from people who have succeeded in beating this filth or people who motivate me with their words and make me feel stronger and ready to go on.

This being said, I've found this amazing motivational post: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1elfxn/advice_to_the_younger_guys/

It has been posted on "Your brain on porn" in the section: "Advice from successful rebooters" under "Quitting porn" (which everybody should read everyday for motivation and knowledge).

Words of wisdom.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 27, 2018, 04:11:10 PM
I need to do well with this porn addiction because I have other 2 and if I never progress, I will never reach the day when I don't have these addictions anymore.

Having 1 addiction is hard already but having 3 is insane.

In order of severity, the top 3 is like this:

1) Internet addiction.
2) Porn addiction.
3) Alcohol. This one is the most manageable.

I thought jumping into quitting all 3 was insanity so I considered that maybe I should take them one at a time. It was hard deciding which one should I start with first. The way it looks, it should've been alcohol, right? For being the easier one but then I found this great forum and community and I decided to do something about porn addiction first. Anyway, I will have to deal with all 3 throughout the coming future.

Feeling down today.

"Used to be curious, now the shit's sustenance"
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 28, 2018, 06:50:57 AM
I'm also addicted to facebook somehow. I don't know if everybody feels the same but I usually get addicted to things that shield me from boredom, and in my case they're PMO and facebook. They don't actually kill my boredom but they make me not feel it during PMO and facebooking. But then after a session of facebooking (which can take hours) and PMOing, I feel that boredom multiplied.
I've read elsewhere that quitting 2 addictions at a time is better than getting them divided (it was also an article about quitting porn). So I decided to try that. Maybe quitting social media would make it easier for me to quit porn and at the same time I'll gain the benefit of having more time for developing productive habits and managing my boredom in a constructive way. I NEED that package as a whole, not just part of it.
I have no clue how harder it is for you to quit those 3 (let's say 2, because quitting internet addiction is easier and more instantly rewarding than the rest) at the same time. So I hope things turn up better for you with time. Stay strong and vigilant. Take all the time you need to build your new, healthy and constructive habits over the rubble and debris you're strenuously scrapping off your older self.
It also involves looking for new sources of fun. Start asking yourself: "what are the new better ways of enjoying myself do I need to incorporate in my new life?"
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 28, 2018, 08:28:56 AM
Omarov, awesome, man! Thanks!

My Internet addiction was created by my loneliness. I had nobody to spend time with and I spent that time in front of my computer, using the Internet. Before I knew, I used Internet daily for 16 hours. All day, except when I went to bed.

If you say it like that, maybe quitting porn and Internet at the same time? They might go hand in hand somehow.

Anyway, it will be hard to quit 3 addictions, for sure. I will need a big lifestyle change but as you said, yes I've been thinking about things to do instead of spending time on Internet. But it will be very difficult cause I have big problems with Internet addiction. Let me explain.

Some years ago I realized how addicted I was to Internet after I started my second job. I saw that I could not function without Internet. Going to that job from 9 to 5 meant being away that much from my computer, plus the time spent commuting (robbing these hours from my usual 16 hours a day). And that's when I saw how I felt: I was agitated, irritable, angry, I had no energy, I couldn't focus to do my job, I was depressed, I had a short temper and I couldn't tolerate my co-workers, I was unrecognizable and I'm usually a nice guy but I acted like an angry, annoying guy. And all I was thinking was how the fuck to get back home to my computer, as quickly as possible. Because I couldn't do this before my work day ended, those hours away from my Internet seemed like years. They passed so slowly and it seemed like an eternity before I could go back to my computer and get my "fix" like junkies. I was like a zombie but as soon as I sat in front of my computer and started the Internet, I was "normal" again. Everything came back to me. My dad asked me one day: "You just worked for 8 hours in front of the computer, aren't you tired? Don't your eyes hurt? Instead of lying down and resting, you're using the computer again?" These are the words of someone who doesn't know what it's like. Not the computer was the problem, but the Internet. Spending 8 hours in front of that computer wasn't the same because that was work. It wasn't my normal daily Internet routine. I had to get home and spend a few hours in front of my computer, doing my thing, to calm down.
But, for some reason, I didn't really understand at that time that it was because of Internet addiction. Then I started to understand but I couldn't really do too much because, as I said, I couldn't function at all to do other things/hobbies etc. I would go through that withdrawal plus I couldn't feel any excitement, any joy, any pleasure in doing something else: Let's say going to play basketball or play guitar whatever. I lost my interest quickly because it was no pleasure in it. The only thing that worked was Internet.
My first job was different because I was all alone in the office and I had nobody to monitor me if I used Internet. I had the software opened (that I needed to work with) and Internet opened at the same time, I would do things in the software for a few minutes and then switch to the Internet for a few minutes. I couldn't control myself. I couldn't stay focused on that software more than a few minutes at the time. If I didn't use Internet, I felt really weird.
So, you see? That's what I'm dealing with. It's even more serious than porn but porn is hard enough too. It's hard to explain because you have to be me to experience what my Internet addiction means for me. Alcohol is more manageable. I have better chances of quitting this than the other 2.

Thanks for your support.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 28, 2018, 11:37:57 AM
Don't be afraid of anything that doesn't kill you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 28, 2018, 02:07:08 PM
Whoa! I haven't thought it's that bad. I never thought internet addiction was actually a real addiction before you recounted your story!
For me, it's just a matter of boredom. I feel lonely right now because I'm not living with my girlfriend, she's the only person I can sit doing nothing with and not be bored. Otherwise, I'm always bored and seeking amusement, whether I'm in classes or at home. So my case with facebook and youtube was just a refuge from boredom that in turn would cause me more boredom after an average of 2 hours of facebooking or watching pranks and funny shit on youtube (or, of course PMO). So once I get bored with internet I start doing other stuff like reading. I will write an update on my progress and quitting facebook shortly.
Look, I see why you wouldn't talk to anybody of your acquaintances about PMO addiction, but I guess you can approach somebody about internet addiction? If you have a friend or two, or even coworkers who notice your irritability? Why don't you approach one of them and try to explain stuff? When your dad gave you that remark about using your computer while you should be relaxing, why didn't you talk to him about it? People will tend to listen to our problems because there's an innate tendency in most people to show off that they can fix what other people can't fix (not sure you understood me there, I'm just too sleepy and my brain's word forming area is not functioning well ;D)
When it comes to stuff other than the damned porn, feel free to ask the assistance of people in your home, at work or your friends. You may find them surprisingly helpful, or worst case scenario they would just understand and give you better chances.
And while you lament your internet addiction, never cease to celebrate your impressive wins against porn, the vampire that used to suck life out of you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 28, 2018, 02:29:32 PM
Quote
Whoa! I haven't thought it's that bad. I never thought internet addiction was actually a real addiction before you recounted your story!
Internet addiction is real. Just like porn addiction is real. It's that kind of addiction that doesn't involve external substances. I don't know the science behind it, but I know how it feels. I tried to summarize the severity of it as well as I could in my previous post. Sad but true.

Quote
For me, it's just a matter of boredom. I feel lonely right now because I'm not living with my girlfriend, she's the only person I can sit doing nothing with and not be bored. Otherwise, I'm always bored and seeking amusement, whether I'm in classes or at home. So my case with facebook and youtube was just a refuge from boredom that in turn would cause me more boredom after an average of 2 hours of facebooking or watching pranks and funny shit on youtube (or, of course PMO).
It was for me too until it was no more. This shows how things could escalate with the right soil (as seeds grow). It started with me being curious. It was fun, it was a pleasurable thing and I didn't need to abuse it. I could abuse it but I could just walk away from it after an hour without feeling like I needed more. But because of my loneliness, this was everything I had available and, before I knew, it turned out crazy. Now it's just sustenance. I can't live without it. I can't stay away from it, I can't function without it. I feel really weird mentally when I'm away from Internet. If the Internet falls, I'm fucked. If Internet stopped working right now, I would panic.
I know this is an exclusive porn addiction website but my Internet addiction is even worse and this after saying that my porn addiction is uncontrollable already. I am here cause I can't control my porn addiction but my Internet addiction... I don't know, man.

Quote
Look, I see why you wouldn't talk to anybody of your acquaintances about PMO addiction, but I guess you can approach somebody about internet addiction? If you have a friend or two, or even coworkers who notice your irritability? Why don't you approach one of them and try to explain stuff? When your dad gave you that remark about using your computer while you should be relaxing, why didn't you talk to him about it? People will tend to listen to our problems because there's an innate tendency in most people to show off that they can fix what other people can't fix (not sure you understood me there, I'm just too sleepy and my brain's word forming area is not functioning well ;D)
When it comes to stuff other than the damned porn, feel free to ask the assistance of people in your home, at work or your friends. You may find them surprisingly helpful, or worst case scenario they would just understand and give you better chances.
I understand what you mean and you are probably right. Maybe I should've done this but I've always had a hard time expressing my emotions face to face. I have no problem doing it on forums like this. Anyway, I guess you are right.

Quote
And while you lament your internet addiction, never cease to celebrate your impressive wins against porn, the vampire that used to suck life out of you.
Thank you. That's why I'm here, cause I couldn't beat my porn addiction by myself. Being on this forum and having support from people like you has been a big plus. If I ever beat this addiction, oh my God! That would be awesome.




Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 28, 2018, 03:14:15 PM
That's being taken care of one day at a time  ;)
Keep us updated on your internet addiction too. It's not just a porn addiction forum when other addictions come hand in hand with it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 28, 2018, 03:18:49 PM
That's being taken care of one day at a time  ;)
Keep us updated on your internet addiction too. It's not just a porn addiction forum when other addictions come hand in hand with it.

Well, all 3 of my addictions (Internet, porn and alcohol) are self-medication/escapism/cope type of stuff. Maybe alcohol is a little different because it involves an external substance, I don't know. I felt like this was a porn addiction forum that's why I didn't bring up my other addictions too much.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on December 28, 2018, 06:49:42 PM
Well, all 3 of my addictions (Internet, porn and alcohol) are self-medication/escapism/cope type of stuff. Maybe alcohol is a little different because it involves an external substance, I don't know. I felt like this was a porn addiction forum that's why I didn't bring up my other addictions too much.

Hey man, been keeping an eye on your journey/journal. Addictions often feed into each other. From my experience internet-addiction; novelty seeking is born from the same habitual mechanism in which porn addiction has developed. There is a lack of boundaries and purpose, hence the mindless browsing for 'new stuff'. Probably a good idea to put a life goal on a piece of paper. Just a few lines, whatever you can come up with now and which you can subscribe to wholeheartedly. It places your focus on the future.

Now to the escapism. You are probably running away from something great, that is waiting to be unraveled from within. You just need to dare to take a look at it again. Have some faith that your life has a purpose. You wouldn't be here otherwise ;)

You're not alone in this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 28, 2018, 07:14:43 PM
Joosh! Thanks, man!

Yes, maybe porn addiction and Internet addiction have something in common. Also, there is no overdose with these 2 things. There is so much cocaine you can snort until you overdose but I can't say this about Internet and porn. There is never enough Internet or enough porn for me. Like I said earlier, I ended up using Internet for 16 hours a day and it's still not enough. 5 days in a row wouldn't be enough. Probably the only good thing in this is that I stop for sleep, even though I sleep late. Some other people addicted to Internet don't even sleep for like 2 days in a row or playing video games. It could get crazy. It could end up eating all your time. And my Internet addiction has never sent me to the hospital, I've never overdosed, I've never had great dangers coming my way, that's why I could keep going. Of course, then I've noticed what it had done to my psychic already. It's scary. As an exercise of imagination, given the fact that my Internet addiction is already at its peak, I wonder if there is even more damage it could do to me that it hasn't done already cause I've seen it all.

About goal in life: Thanks for the advice. I actually have a plan for my life. I never really had one in the past but I had to find one because my age kind of "scared" me a little bit. Of course, I am not 40 or whatever but I'm pushing 30 and this could be half of my life, I could live for 60 years only, or even if I lived more, 50 years is a good part of my life and I feel like I haven't really done anything. I mean, I was lost, I didn't know exactly what to do with my life then Internet addiction came and then I really lost track. I started just enjoying wasting time and living with my parents.
So that's why I finally had to come up with a plan for my life. It can't really be done today, I will need to wait a few more months but then I will start. That's my ticket out of these addictions or else I'm done for.


Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 29, 2018, 10:19:13 AM
You need to try everything before saying you can't do it. If you tell me:
"It's impossible for me to quit my addiction, man! It's hard!"
I will tell you:
"Go try everything, I mean EVERYTHING and then come back."

If you have no life, you have to die trying to be a new man. Cause you are dead already. You have no life so you are as good as dead. Therefore, go die trying. You won't die, you will return strong.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 30, 2018, 10:04:38 AM
good reflections about internet addiction. It's scary how we're all addicted to the internet. even my parents nowadays spend hours on their cell phones. we need to create spaces on the day without the internet. I'm trying to do this. I have also controlled the period in which I stay on the phone through an app. I will try to install an application on my computer to see the time I spend on my computer as well. I believe technology can help us with this internet addiction.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 30, 2018, 10:14:53 AM
good reflections about internet addiction. It's scary how we're all addicted to the internet. even my parents nowadays spend hours on their cell phones. we need to create spaces on the day without the internet. I'm trying to do this. I have also controlled the period in which I stay on the phone through an app. I will try to install an application on my computer to see the time I spend on my computer as well. I believe technology can help us with this internet addiction.

Internet addiction is very real and scary. Yes, people can, indeed, become addicted to Internet. I am a heavy Internet addict and I'm not happy at all about this. I have a big problem. I mean, I've reached the point where I can't function without it. Ask me to do something else: Go play some basketball, learn to play an instrument, read a book etc. And I wouldn't be able to experience any pleasure, any excitement in that. I would feel totally empty. I can't get my pleasure from absolutely anything else now, only Internet. Only when I'm online I feel "normal". I don't know what I could do about this, I'm scared. And also consider the fact that my porn addiction is very strong too. I have a lot on my shoulders.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on December 30, 2018, 11:25:57 AM

Internet addiction is very real and scary. Yes, people can, indeed, become addicted to Internet. I am a heavy Internet addict and I'm not happy at all about this. I have a big problem. I mean, I've reached the point where I can't function without it. Ask me to do something else: Go play some basketball, learn to play an instrument, read a book etc. And I wouldn't be able to experience any pleasure, any excitement in that. I would feel totally empty. I can't get my pleasure from absolutely anything else now, only Internet. Only when I'm online I feel "normal". I don't know what I could do about this, I'm scared. And also consider the fact that my porn addiction is very strong too. I have a lot on my shoulders.

Been there myself and still it's very easy for me to get hooked on the internet for hours when I grab my phone or laptop mindlessly. What does give me an instant change of perception is going out for a walk in nature, surrounding myself with the natural frequencies of the forest. Modern society is lost unfortunately and is going to descend further into the 'hive automaton state of mind'. There comes a time for every man to make bold decisions, cut all the bullshit and get back to the roots. We can and have to carve a way out of this madness, if not for ourselves, than let's do it for the younger generations following our footprints.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 30, 2018, 11:46:17 AM
That's right, man. This fucking crazy life. Internet more advanced than ever in history. An excited high school kid handed unlimited Internet all day long. What could you expect?
The crazy thing about addictions is that you don't even realize what you get yourself into. Okay, being more specific, when it comes to porn and Internet, this is a different beast. I mean, people have known that tobacco, alcohol and synthetic drugs kill. When I got Internet, people didn't know that Internet and Internet porn could cause any form of problems. I was like: "Ooooooh, shiiiiit! Internet all day! Porn all day! Oh, my God, I'm so happy!" I was the happiest kid in the world (metaphorically speaking). I had all the porn I wanted (given the fact that before this I wanted porn but porn meant only softcore porn at the end of the week. So now hardcore porn all day long was a dream come true).
Before I knew, I reached this point. Problems with Internet addiction, problems with porn and you look in the mirror and feel less and less capable of breaking free. You tell yourself motivational stuff and hope it works. You try to change your lifestyle and it feels weird and you don't enjoy it but you try to make it habitual and hopefully it will change you.

It's a fucking madness. Sometimes I hope I was born in 1950.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 31, 2018, 06:52:59 AM
Happy New Year to absolutely everyone!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on December 31, 2018, 11:10:11 AM
Happy new year to you too! I mean it! it's not just a greeting. 2019 will really be happier for you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 31, 2018, 12:36:58 PM
Happy new year to you too! I mean it! it's not just a greeting. 2019 will really be happier for you.

Thanks, man! No, 2019 will really be my best year because I really want to. In the past, I made "New Year's resolutions" but I was never really serious about it. Now I really am very serious about changing my life.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on December 31, 2018, 04:25:38 PM
Internet can be really a poison. It takes a lot of wisdom to use it without being negatively affected. All social media and movie plataforms (youtube, netflix) are made for people to stay as long as possible in them. Checking if you received a new like, waiting to see the new episode of your favorite tv show, sending alerts if you received any new comment in your post. The industry feeds on this madness and it is up to us to find ways of not being so affected by those mechanisms that attract all our attention. I hope we can discuss ways around here to reduce this addictive use of the internet. Have a great 2019 man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on December 31, 2018, 05:18:16 PM
Internet can be really a poison. It takes a lot of wisdom to use it without being negatively affected. All social media and movie plataforms (youtube, netflix) are made for people to stay as long as possible in them. Checking if you received a new like, waiting to see the new episode of your favorite tv show, sending alerts if you received any new comment in your post. The industry feeds on this madness and it is up to us to find ways of not being so affected by those mechanisms that attract all our attention. I hope we can discuss ways around here to reduce this addictive use of the internet. Have a great 2019 man!

You understand perfectly. 2019 will be a year where I will try a lot of things. I will definitely find a way to beat my addictions. I am tired of it. You reach a point where you feel you really can't go on anymore with these stimulants. I definitely can't take it anymore. I will do anything I can to beat my addictions and I will help anyone.

Peace \/
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 01, 2019, 10:02:57 AM
January: Day 1/31

Today is my first day of "Free January challenge". Images came into my mind but I fought to brush them away. I stayed away from watching anything that could have possible triggers. Overall, I would say I'm 2/10 in terms of urges and desire to PMO.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 02, 2019, 04:09:50 AM
I'm with you. I'd also say 2/10. Let's look forward to the 31st when we could celebrate our first "official" milestone. That will keep us going strong throughout the month.
One day at a time.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 02, 2019, 04:50:42 AM
January: Day 2/31

A little bit of fantasizing in the morning and mild urges to do my childhood practice (lie face down and rub my dick against the bed which I've been using less for masturbation but a lot for edging), but I remained face up and I didn't turn around to provoke this. Then I raised from the bed and everything was okay. Urges are not present yet, let's see how the day progresses.

Edit: Alright, so now I could really see what it's like to be a junkie. Trying to quit alcohol and porn is a fucking nightmare. I feel irritated, agitated, everybody annoys me with just their presence, I don't want to see anybody, I want to completely isolate myself from anyone, I have no patience and no mood to do anything. It's like my mind doesn't "function" anymore, I can hardly express myself. It's that moment when you regret being an addict in the first place. I have that feeling that I haven't had enough pleasure yet even after all these years of porn and alcohol. Quitting my pleasures feels really depressing and empty, especially when I can't find pleasure in anything else.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on January 02, 2019, 12:45:38 PM
Edit: Alright, so now I could really see what it's like to be a junkie. Trying to quit alcohol and porn is a fucking nightmare. I feel irritated, agitated, everybody annoys me with just their presence, I don't want to see anybody, I want to completely isolate myself from anyone, I have no patience and no mood to do anything. It's like my mind doesn't "function" anymore, I can hardly express myself. It's that moment when you regret being an addict in the first place. I have that feeling that I haven't had enough pleasure yet even after all these years of porn and alcohol. Quitting my pleasures feels really depressing and empty, especially when I can't find pleasure in anything else.

And it's extremely hard to get through this in isolation. Journaling and reaching out to others online is only going to do so much, but isn't going to fill the emptiness. One way or another you're going to need real life social bonding or higher guidance. People with less severe symptoms have been treated in rehab centers. This addiction is seriously underestimated.
At this point i'd go step by step. Take your time with everything you do. If you can't concentrate on anything 'productive', go for a walk. Having wild inflated long-term goals isn't going to help now. Face your pain day by day and absolutely allow your body the time and space to process the changes. Anger is going to come, sadness is going to come. Give it the space of presence and let it fade when it's ready. You can do this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 02, 2019, 12:54:05 PM
Thanks for the support, man. Of course I know that isolation makes this worse. I don't plan to stay in isolation. I have some plans for the future (for the first time cause I never really had plans for future) and it will take some time. Changing my ridiculous life can't be an overnight thing after so many years. Right now, I'm having some withdrawal and it's not fun.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 02, 2019, 03:14:49 PM
I am scared about this Internet addiction. Internet is not entirely destructive (as I believe porn is). I mean, you can use Internet to pay your bills, research a subject, make money, whatever. But when you end up mindlessly wasting your time online for 16 hours, it moves to the "destructive" area. I've been thinking about it and questions, inevitably, came into my mind:
"If you are an Internet addict, do you need to stay away from it completely like alcohol?"
"Will I ever be able to use Internet 'normally' again? Namely, just when I really need it and then staying away from it?"
"Will using Internet when needed push me back to using it more and more and clicking on the things that I use as an addict?"
It's really complicated.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on January 02, 2019, 04:32:06 PM
"If you are an Internet addict, do you need to stay away from it completely like alcohol?"
"Will I ever be able to use Internet 'normally' again? Namely, just when I really need it and then staying away from it?"
"Will using Internet when needed push me back to using it more and more and clicking on the things that I use as an addict?"
It's really complicated.

Hope I can clear some of the complication.
Yes, you will be able to use the internet normally at some point. It's not the internet you're addicted to but the mindless use of it, searching for novelty.
This likely developed as an extension of your porn surfing habits. I say this, because that was/is the case me.
 
To your third question: Yes, if you don't take caution it is very easy to slip back into abusing it. Still happens quite often to me, if I don't have anything else to occupy myself with.
Especially starting the day with youtube can quickly usurp large chunks of time and leave me equally brainfogged as hours of porn.
Completely staying away from it seems extreme, since you can obviously do something positively productive on the interwebs, but you have to be very directed with your focus, and that's exactly what is troublesome for the addicted mind.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 02, 2019, 04:41:18 PM
"If you are an Internet addict, do you need to stay away from it completely like alcohol?"
"Will I ever be able to use Internet 'normally' again? Namely, just when I really need it and then staying away from it?"
"Will using Internet when needed push me back to using it more and more and clicking on the things that I use as an addict?"
It's really complicated.

Hope I can clear some of the complication.
Yes, you will be able to use the internet normally at some point. It's not the internet you're addicted to but the mindless use of it, searching for novelty.
This likely developed as an extension of your porn surfing habits. I say this, because that was/is the case me.
 
To your third question: Yes, if you don't take caution it is very easy to slip back into abusing it. Still happens quite often to me, if I don't have anything else to occupy myself with.
Especially starting the day with youtube can quickly usurp large chunks of time and leave me equally brainfogged as hours of porn.
Completely staying away from it seems extreme, since you can obviously do something positively productive on the interwebs, but you have to be very directed with your focus, and that's exactly what is troublesome for the addicted mind.

Excellent reply. It makes total sense. The novelty is the problem. Porn used to be a big part of my time spent on Internet. It's not anymore though. I mean, I'm trying to stay clean for my challenge but, for many years, I only search porn online in that day when I relapsed and that happened once or twice a week.
I just can't even imagine a day without doing something online. It's absolutely empty and scary. It will definitely be a struggle to re-adapt myself to enjoying other normal activities. I don't think one can really completely stay away from Internet because we can use it for some stuff like, for example, how could we learn about porn addiction and how could we be here, on this forum, without Internet? I don't want to go to this extreme and imagine a life without Internet but my fear was if I could ever use internet like, let's say, my dad does, only when he needs it. I would need to only do online what I have to do and then stop.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 02, 2019, 08:23:11 PM
One thing I overlooked for a while, is the fact our computers and phones are simply tools.

If we take away all distractions, including social media, games. All that's left is a tool for information. Log on to do internet banking, or send an email, or find a local event coming up and book a ticket, etc.

Maybe this perspective will help. All i know is when i use the tool for what is necessary, then turn it off, i am left with a lot of free time. This quickly becomes either boredom leading to temptations, or productivity in small tasks.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 04:50:15 AM
One thing I overlooked for a while, is the fact our computers and phones are simply tools.

If we take away all distractions, including social media, games. All that's left is a tool for information. Log on to do internet banking, or send an email, or find a local event coming up and book a ticket, etc.

Maybe this perspective will help. All i know is when i use the tool for what is necessary, then turn it off, i am left with a lot of free time. This quickly becomes either boredom leading to temptations, or productivity in small tasks.

That's exactly what it is and how we should use Internet, actually. Only for what's necessary, not mindlessly playing video games or whatever else. And it's crazy how stimulating it could be and how easily it could make you spend a lot of time doing the things that are not necessary for your life, their are just "fun" in the beginning and then they become your source of vision problems, mental problems and so on. Fuck 'em. I'll see the day when Internet will only be a tool for me cause that's my plan.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 05:28:14 AM
January: Day 3/31

Stronger urges to fantasize in the morning but I've done a good job thinking about something else and not "watching" porn in my mind. And stronger urges overall to PMO, I would say 5/10. I am preparing for harder times. One who is prepared, deals with the problem better.
Staying away from triggers is now imperative. In the beginning, after you relapse and the urges have calmed down, you tell yourself you will do it with willpower, you can stay away from triggers, if triggers show up by mistake, you can close them, but it's not really like that. Always take safety measures. Make porn and triggers hard to access. It's always easier to prevent than cure.
Yesterday was a crazy day and I felt bad mentally. Today I seem better.

I am moving my "January" journal to "Free January challenge" because I think it belongs there.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 08:04:57 AM
Alright, I have to declare myself a "routine freak". I get easily caught in routines. I've given up alcohol and there is no need anymore to explain why when you are an alcoholic. It was detrimental for my fight with porn addiction as well. But the routine is still here. I used to drink on weekends and I caught myself today thinking:
"In 2 days it will be Saturday, I can't wait to buy something to drink."
The next second I remembered:
"Hold on! I'm not drinking anymore! So there will be no Saturday."
I felt "empty" at this realization. It's crazy how much "pleasures" could become a part of us but if you don't find "pleasure" in normal, non-destructive things, you will continue to feel completely "empty", like there is no joy in life.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 03, 2019, 10:18:30 AM
Oh dear, I haven't opened your journal for slightly more than 24 hrs and so much happened already!
Well, let's see. Let's pick it up from your last entry.
1- No more alcohol on Saturdays doesn't necessary mean there's "no" Saturday. And I also mean it metaphorically. You're hinting that the next weekend is gonna feel empty and more unlike normal weekends (and weekends are what all people look forward to the most). Since next Saturday will be empty then please quickly find something to fill it up, whatever it is that you can do (or eat or drink). I imagine that if I were you, I'd allocate the weekend for baking. I'm a complete noob at cooking but I could easily make some cookies or cake myself without help by downloading a recipe and just following it. Eating your own pastry is one of the most rewarding things and making it a routine is certainly something to look forward to every weekend. That's one idea. Besides, learning to cook and cooking on a regular basis can be one activity that you can gradually take interest in and eventually find enjoyable and rewarding (If you don't already cook), it's also a good chance to socialize with your family and stay out of your bubble for a while.
2- I'm not having too strong urges nowadays. Still disgusted with porn somehow, but I know all that won't be quite the case a few days later. Urges will come and yearning for porn will start terrifying me, plus my brain will start liking seeing triggers by accident. I've deactivated facebook for that same reason and tweaked a little bit of my environment to shield me from triggers. Youtube is also certainly something to avoid too.
3- I completely agree with Joosh. The journal has helped you give up your silence about your problems and will keep helping you stay oriented and avoid porn and alcohol, but it won't fill the emptiness. You fill part of that emptiness yourself and the other part is to be filled with and by other people. How much you have to fill yourself and how much other people should fill depends on your personality type, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, and other personal circumstances. But I'd say you can start with your family if they're like-minded enough to befriend. More specifically, why don't you talk to your dad/mum about the whole thing, have a serious and lengthy talk with one of them where you can give a detailed account of your problem with internet? They'll certainly have something to help with. I know I've brought this up before (about opening up to people) but since it was mentioned by someone else (joosh) then I'd very much like to chime in. I know it's not that easy for you to open up. But if it appears to be an unexplored possibility of a solution then you have to do whatever it takes to explore it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 10:43:07 AM
Omarov, thanks bro.

1) I know what you mean and I'm not planning to lock myself up. This doesn't help anybody. On the other hand, I know I've said this already, but my Internet addiction really makes everything else feel completely drained of any pleasure. This is not an excuse though. Still I need to push through.

2) That's right. When you don't have strong urges, you might feel able to stay away from everything but when those hard urges kick in (and I know they will come for me), porn seems like food. Making porn very hard to access is a start.

3) My parents are not really that type of people to have fun with. I can't really do much with them except be around, maybe cook something like you said... Not much, really. About opening up to them, yeah I know what you mean. The idea is that my parents have never been this type of people who liked family "therapy sessions", "listen up sessions", "open up sessions" whatever you want to call it. They are introvert people who don't show their emotions too much so I grew up being the same. Not talking about my deep problems has always just come subconsciously, naturally or whatever you want to call it. I've never felt the "need" to do it as it is something foreign to me and I don't really know how to do it. Plus, I guess I have some of my dad's personality and we don't seem to be able to express our feelings too well. It feels uncomfortable. I can't guarantee I could do this that easily and that quickly in the near future. I don't know, I'll see what will come.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 03, 2019, 10:58:35 AM
I understand you perfectly well because my relationship with my parents is exactly the same, and I can't express emotion to them.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 11:05:01 AM
I understand you perfectly well because my relationship with my parents is exactly the same, and I can't express emotion to them.

See? That's why it's been so hard for me to attempt this. You have a guy who's "open up to your parents" idea is completely foreign, trying to open up to some people whose same idea is completely foreign and they've never done this, even between husband and wife. It's very difficult. It feels totally uncomfortable.

Edit: I wanted to say I can't open up face to face. I've always had this problem and I've always felt uncomfortable. Might have something to do with my personality. I mean, when I was a kid I wouldn't even tell my parents I was sick or something hurt. I've improved this but I want you to have an idea that for me it's been totally impossible to show emotions face to face. On the other hand, I can do it by typing, like now, on this forum. Not being "anonymous" is what facilitates this. I don't know, I seem to be able to do it better when I don't speak and when I'm not face to face. Writing like this has been the only way. That's why I couldn't take it anymore and I had to join this place because I needed to belong to a community and get in touch with some helpful people as by myself had become totally impossible. Might have something to do with the fact that I'm addressing to some people who understand me? Cause my parents know absolutely zero about this. They have no problem with Internet or porn, not even alcohol. I'm the only alcoholic in my family. I'm the only depressed member of my family.

Peace.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on January 03, 2019, 12:38:34 PM
Same here.
Unable to discuss emotional issues with my parents.
That was three years ago, when I was still living with them, occupying a small room completely isolated from the outside world, spending entire nights hooked on porn and webcam-sex. I would barely exchange words with them at dinner, and if they tried to make contact I'd respond highly irritated, angry.

When I realized the addiction was but a symptom of deeper emotional issues, I sought help in form of therapy. That was my reach-out to the outside world. I had to slowly relearn to express my emotions. Let's not forget when we toy with our sexual energy we are messing with our creative drive. We become blocked or exhausted in our emotive-creative expression, and numb to what we actually feel. Writing does help, so do other creative acts.

The 'opening up emotionally' is powerful, even if its just on paper or in music. You set free those parts of you that didn't have a voice. The parts that thrive in darkness and isolation, unseen.
In my native language the word for "addict" is the same as the word for slave. We've become enslaved to our unspoken truths, shackled by our ungodly imaginations.

Maybe it's a consideration to write your parents a letter at some point.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 03, 2019, 01:08:23 PM
Joosh, I like this.

Quote
Unable to discuss emotional issues with my parents.
That was three years ago, when I was still living with them, occupying a small room completely isolated from the outside world, spending entire nights hooked on porn and webcam-sex. I would barely exchange words with them at dinner, and if they tried to make contact I'd respond highly irritated, angry.
I have a similar lifestyle.

Quote
Let's not forget when we toy with our sexual energy we are messing with our creative drive. We become blocked or exhausted in our emotive-creative expression, and numb to what we actually feel. Writing does help, so do other creative acts.
Our sexual energy is like our "life force". No wonder after we ejaculate we feel tired, unmotivated, with no mood, desiring to just lie in the bed. After days of saving this energy, we feel like we could do a lot.

Quote
The 'opening up emotionally' is powerful, even if its just on paper or in music. You set free those parts of you that didn't have a voice. The parts that thrive in darkness and isolation, unseen.
In my native language the word for "addict" is the same as the word for slave. We've become enslaved to our unspoken truths, shackled by our ungodly imaginations.
I know what you mean about "opening up". I've never been able to do it in other form than this forum but even like this it's liberating. Like I can take things out of my chest and write them in my journal. As addicts we are, indeed, slaves in chains.

Thanks, man. Peace \/
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 04, 2019, 08:55:26 AM
Also, this is my 4th day without alcohol.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 04, 2019, 01:32:49 PM
(you are always very transparent in your reflections. thanks for that)

I believe that for most men it's difficult to talk to each other about more delicate matters. at least in brazil is like that. when we get together we talk only about soccer, women, politics, etc. always in superficial way. we never speakof difficulties or feelings that we are having. I think it's something cultural and difficult to change. For me is also very hard to talk about more complicated things with my friends and parents. but I believe this is already changing. this forum is proof of that. of course it's a lot easier to talk anonymously, but it's already a relief to share some of our shit and see that we are not the only ones to go through these...
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 04, 2019, 01:35:12 PM
I believe that for most men it's difficult to talk to each other about more delicate matters. at least in brazil is like that. when we get together we talk only about soccer, women, politics, etc. always in superficial way. we never speakof difficulties or feelings that we are having. I think it's something cultural and difficult to change. For me is also very hard to talk about more complicated things with my friends and parents. but I believe this is already changing. this forum is proof of that. of course it's a lot easier to talk anonymously, but it's already a relief to share some of our shit and see that we are not the only ones to go through these...
Same here.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 04, 2019, 05:37:09 PM
My brain does an excellent job at convincing me that I need to try to obtain "these Os from back then, the greatest you've ever had". So it pushes me into it but I ain't got time for this. Maybe that expression "Chasing the first time" is true, even though it is for drug addicts. I can't remember the first time anymore. Who knows how I felt when I masturbated to porn for the first time. I was too young. But I remember, as if they happened yesterday, my two greatest PMO sessions ever. And my brain wants to experience them again through me. I can't make them happen. It's not like I shoot a substance in my vein and boom. But my brain tells me to keep trying. Ha ha! It's actually hilarious. I'm living a comedy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 05, 2019, 02:36:55 AM
Chasing the dragon, I think there's a video on youtube philosophising about it... Very interesting.

In a clear state of mind we can at least remember the feeling of it not being enough, just after the act.

One thing we can look forward to in real partnered intercourse, is it releases different chemicals in our brain... And to be in a recovered or even partially-recovered mindset and experience that, is surely to experience more than any porn. With no regrets after.

On an earlier comment you questioned living without internet for a while. Do you need internet for work or study? Only reason I ask, is I packed up my computer for about a week (was only able to without those commitments), and I made sure to go outside and do things every day, and it was like a stepping stone for me.

Call it an internet holiday. Mark my words it will become a thing if it hasn't already? lol.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 05:43:59 AM
On an earlier comment you questioned living without internet for a while. Do you need internet for work or study?
Right now I'm unemployed. It's pathetic, really. In 6 years, I only worked for a total of 5 months. Part of it because of me, part of it because of the workforce's fault. Let me explain. But this might be long cause I like to write and I can't write short. As the user Joosh used to say: Expressing your feelings even in writing has a powerful effect and I agree with this. It makes me feel better to get things out of my chest. I don't want to stress out anybody though.

When I was in college, there was this "Economical crisis" discussed all over TV. I didn't really think it would affect me. But then I finished college and I couldn't find a job for about a year and a half. I went to job interviews but I didn't hear from them again. I even went to job fairs and nothing. Being completely lonely with absolutely no friends (my only friend had abandoned me), I spend this period drinking, not everyday, only when I had money, but everyday was my Internet use that hit a peak of 16 hours daily. Almost all day. The only good thing in this being that I stopped to sleep. I, also, suffered from a chronic depression. That kind of debilitating depression where you struggle to function. The loneliness was the biggest reason for it. It was something I had a hard time dealing with, being so lonely all of a sudden when you used to have a friend.

Then I finally found a job but I was forced by the boss to leave after 2 months because, actually, the boss needed someone quickly to do just one thing but I didn't know that. After I finished my task, I was forced to leave. I was mad about this. Tricking me like this without telling me the truth. I would've accepted the job even If I had been told: "I only need you to do this then you leave". But probably the boss thought I wouldn't have accepted it had I known the truth.

Then again, I went to job interviews, I went to job fairs and I couldn't find a job for more than a year. It wasn't my fault, really. Yes, I didn't want to work because I was hooked on Internet and alcohol and I wanted to stay home and consume them (pathetic indeed, but by this time I was addicted to Internet and addicts often want to spend time with their addiction than doing something else) but I would have never said this. I would have never told my parents: "You know, I actually don't want to work, I just want to stay home, drink and use Internet all day). No, I would've started any job but there were no jobs, that's the thing. I even tried to find jobs in other fields than my degree and still found nothing.

After this I found my second job and this was the moment when I experienced severe Internet addiction withdrawal. I could hardly function at job to do my tasks and I battled a heavy depression as well. I was a zombie, pretending I was efficient. The bosses treated everybody like trash and, the way I was emotionally, I couldn't take it anymore. I resigned after three months before suffering some breakdown or something. I was afraid I could end up in a mental hospital because of the emotional draining I had everyday with the bosses. I wasn't the most mentally balanced guy either to go through that.

So that was the part that I couldn't really control.

After I quit my second job, my dad, who had found a good job a few years before, told me: "Why don't you try to be hired here where I work? You have piece of mind here, there are no bosses to mess with you." For this, I needed to change my profession but I was up for it because I wanted to find a job where I could be left alone, considering how I was mentally.

Changing my profession meant going back to school. So this period meant no job, only study and classes. I struggled to function here too. I was heavily addicted to Internet. My drinking went up.

Then, in order to be hired, I had to take an exam. I passed that but this company was taking too much time to hire people. They started talking about budgets, about some auction, about some company suing them because of the auction... Time passed by without being hired. Here, probably I should've tried to do something else but I welcomed the opportunity to be a genuine junkie. I stood home, diving in my Internet addiction and drinking heavily anytime I could. My parents started disliking my drinking. I don't really want to say this but maybe they have a little fault in all this, allowing me to just spend 16 hours online, locked up in my room, without doing something else.

So here I am. I am waiting to be hired. Fuck, I wrote too much.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 09:57:45 AM
Day 5 without alcohol
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 10:53:59 AM
I'm fucking ashamed of myself for relapsing. I've given in to edging. I knew this was going to lead me to a relapse but I couldn't stop myself. I just sat there, screaming inside: "Noooooo! Stop this shit! Walk away!" but my animal part won. I could not talk myself out of it no matter what. What the fuck can I say? I'm depressed. I don't even know how I will quit this shit. If things work like today, I've no chance. How the fuck can you have the plan and blew it? I don't know what the fuck else to do. I am playing a video game called, ironically, "Painkiller Overdose". Yeah, I should fucking overdose on painkillers.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 11:00:16 AM
The only good fucking thing is that I'm not bingeing.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 11:06:02 AM
This shit is my painkiller and I can't fucking overdose on porn. I can't jerk off to death cause I would've done it. Fuck this shit.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 01:38:21 PM
Man! I know how you feel. I'm so sorry and I feel as bad as you do.
Yes, relapses happen in fractions of a second. You shouldn't be that ashamed of yourself. Changing your name is not a good idea. Put on the "changemylife" attitude once again and reread your journal from top to bottom. You're not on square one anymore and it's impossible to return to square one anyway.
I've not been around as much as I used to last week because I've been too busy. Studying it taking up all my time and draining all my energy. I apologize for that.
You have no choice but to start again. I know that now it seems so hard and I know how much doubts are killing your motivation right now, but since others did it, you can do it. You have the intellectual arsenal to go the whole way towards addiction free life. But I guess that's a signal to try new strategies.
I mean, your philosophy can get you places, it can make you abstain for a year or more, it can even mummify porn and make it a thing of the past, but you still gonna have those weak moments (not just urges, but sadness or stress for any reason), your defenses might not be that strong for just a fraction of a second where a relapse can take place. Therefore, as I said before, nobody ever truly changes his lifestyle without changing his environment. Go out of your way to make your environment as anti-porn as possible. And by changing your environment I mean changing your social circle (if you don't have a friend, go out of your way to get one. If you don't have a girlfriend, go out of your way to get one, if you can't open up to people, learn to), changing your daily routine (I hope you get hired soon), changing the design of your room, moving to another house/ shared apartment, moving to another city, moving to another country (If you're a native English speaker, they'd hire you in my country as an English teacher in an international school and pay you 10 times the salary of a fellow countryman if you're blonde enough, I'm not even kidding), changing absolutely each and everything you can change.
Since you've gone (what? a month?) without PMO, then you can do it again, you can even do more than a month, but since you've relapsed then you have to up the game somehow, and that "how" is going out of your way to drastically changing your lifestyle.
Man, you have all what it takes to succeed. You've shown me much of the way. Go back to where you started the journal and read it from top to bottom, keep reminding yourself how much of a badass you've been, and get back into the game!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 01:43:33 PM
A friendly reminder: Just because you've relapsed a little doesn't mean it's okay to go back to alcohol.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 01:56:55 PM
Another friendly reminder: I've just discovered your "Free January" thread. I want you to keep doing this. If January had been desecrated then it still has 26 days to become free and clean.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 01:58:17 PM
Another friendly reminder: I've just discovered your "Free January" thread. I want you to keep doing this. If January had been desecrated then it still has 26 days to become free and clean.

"Free January" is over, man. I've failed.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 02:01:11 PM
And I'm ashamed and it pisses me off because I've started the challenge.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 02:01:55 PM
Quote
"Free January" is over, man. I've failed.

You won't feel that way tomorrow. You're still gonna abstain for the rest of the month anyway.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 02:03:22 PM
Quote
"Free January" is over, man. I've failed.

You won't feel that way tomorrow. You're still gonna abstain for the rest of the month anyway.

Rest of the month? That's funny. I am an "once in 4-5 days" relapser. It won't be any rest of the month. I wish I could.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 02:11:47 PM
It's not funny, what's funny is that you're trying to predict the future. Nothing obliges you to relapse again except your frustration (which will subside tomorrow). Don't overthink this and give yourself a break. If you're not gonna reread your journal now, then shutdown the computer. If you have nothing else to do then just do nothing. Just lie on the bed. Not sure what time is it at your end, it might be too early to sleep, just do anything other than dwelling on negative thoughts that won't persist.
You have no other choice but doing this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 02:21:02 PM
Man! I know how you feel. I'm so sorry and I feel as bad as you do.
Yes, relapses happen in fractions of a second. You shouldn't be that ashamed of yourself. Changing your name is not a good idea. Put on the "changemylife" attitude once again and reread your journal from top to bottom. You're not on square one anymore and it's impossible to return to square one anyway.

Of course I'm ashamed cause I've started the challenge yet I've relapsed after only 5 days. What example am I? Changing my name is a good idea. It's punishment. Instead of bingeing all day today, I've decided to punish myself like that. And of course I'm on square one when I've relapsed after only 5 days.

Quote
You have no choice but to start again. I know that now it seems so hard and I know how much doubts are killing your motivation right now, but since others did it, you can do it. You have the intellectual arsenal to go the whole way towards addiction free life. But I guess that's a signal to try new strategies.
I mean, your philosophy can get you places, it can make you abstain for a year or more, it can even mummify porn and make it a thing of the past, but you still gonna have those weak moments (not just urges, but sadness or stress for any reason), your defenses might not be that strong for just a fraction of a second where a relapse can take place.
To be honest, I've no idea what's going on. The plan was good on paper, I knew what to do but I've learned nothing. This was another typical, routine relapse. Right now I'm lost and depressed. I don't feel like I could do this.

Quote
Therefore, as I said before, nobody ever truly changes his lifestyle without changing his environment. Go out of your way to make your environment as anti-porn as possible. And by changing your environment I mean changing your social circle (if you don't have a friend, go out of your way to get one. If you don't have a girlfriend, go out of your way to get one, if you can't open up to people, learn to), changing your daily routine (I hope you get hired soon), changing the design of your room.
Don't worry, I have a plan to do all this but I can't right now, only in a few months.

Quote
moving to another house/ shared apartment, moving to another city, moving to another country.
Circumstances make this impossible. I couldn't do this but sometimes I wish.

Quote
If you're a native English speaker, they'd hire you in my country as an English teacher in an international school and pay you 10 times the salary of a fellow countryman if you're blonde enough, I'm not even kidding)
I am not a native English speaker.

Quote
Since you've gone (what? a month?) without PMO, then you can do it again, you can even do more than a month, but since you've relapsed then you have to up the game somehow, and that "how" is going out of your way to drastically changing your lifestyle.
I didn't have 1 month but 5 days. I relapsed on December 31 and I interrupted a streak of 2 or 3 weeks. This time I wanted to go for more, namely a month with my challenge and I blew it. I've returned back to my routine: relapse every 4 or 5 days. About changing my life/environment etc, I will repeat myself: I can't right now, only after I get hired and I hope this happens soon cause I'm pissed off with them.

Quote
Man, you have all what it takes to succeed. You've shown me much of the way. Go back to where you started the journal and read it from top to bottom, keep reminding yourself how much of a badass you've been, and get back into the game!
I'm a better motivator than example cause I don't always back up my words with action.

Okay, did I miss something? My brain doesn't function, like a broken engine. Words come out extremely hard.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 05, 2019, 02:40:41 PM
I understand. And no you haven't missed anything. The brain fog will subside tomorrow though, and much of the negativity will be replaced with energy to start again.
You're not in the right mood to understand what's going on. It's just a relapse, not the end of the world, not a new or weird problem. You understand the problem very well and you gave courses on how to face it. You just don't have all that at the top of your head right now so you're feeling lost without it.
And with all the knowledge you have you're definitely not on square one.
I'm talking to you from 5 days into no PMO. I've also relapsed a little on the 31st. I'm more determined now. I'll be waiting for you to rejoin.
We have no other choice but to keep going.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 05, 2019, 06:14:59 PM
After all this artificial pleasure, I need to go through pain. I can't avoid it. I make the decision now to face the pain. I need to stay away from the stupid edging that led to my downfall today. It pisses me off. If I had had a 2 months streak, it would've been different, but I've relapsed after only 5 days. I've done this 1000 times, this is no progress, this is regular use. Regular once or twice a week. For years, when will I learn? How many times do I have to let the edging push me to watching porn which leads to masturbation? I can't let myself be this pathetic, knowing what I have to do but never doing it. It is my responsibility to do what I have to do. I need to sort everything out and follow the plan which is made. Let's, at least, look at the only good thing today: I didn't binge. I had urges to masturbate again but I didn't. I don't even remember last time when I didn't binge after a relapse.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 06, 2019, 05:37:58 AM
Yesterday I didn't binge, as I usually do after a relapse, and now I'm having some urges, as if I didn't even PMO yesterday.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 06, 2019, 05:38:45 AM
I don't want to watch porn, edge, fantasize or masturbate today.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 06, 2019, 08:59:23 AM
Welcome back to the fight!
I don't agree with you when you say you made no progress. The fact that you don't binge anymore is progress, and the fact that you've done several clean weeks after you've been a porn junkie is progress. In addition to that, the most important progress is the one you've made in your mind: the resolution to change your life, and learning how it is done.
Another thing I wanted to tell you yesterday but felt I had to postpone till you regain your attention, is that I understood now how internet is the much bigger problem than PMO. I mean, if you're no more an internet addict it would become much harder for you to relapse, because simply since you're using internet all the time then it's always easy to open another tab and search porn, it's just a few clicks away. But while you're not on the internet, doing whatever, then you WILL remember to stop and think, you will have much more time to implement the now well rehearsed process of fighting off the urges.
I know you're fed up with all what I'm gonna say, but you have more freedom to fight internet abuse in real life more than PMO, simply because you can more easily disclose such info to people around you than the info about porn. If you're not comfortable with asking the help of your family then seek the help of a therapist, that's what they're there for. Yes, it will take a long time for those guys to discover how internet and porn are full fledged addictions, but if you recount your story to a professional psychiatrist, he/she'll understand the whole pathology underlying your 3 intermingled addictions and the resultant depression, and will be able to formulate a comprehensive treatment plan tailored for you.
I'm not saying this forum is now useless for you. It's not. It taught you a lot and witnessed your greatest wins. But as you previously said earlier that you're a little conservative about bringing up internet and alcohol addiction on this forum as it's only dedicated to porn, you can't totally rely on it to address the other two issues (both of which are much more solvable in real life because they're not as embarrassing as PMO).
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 06, 2019, 09:47:54 AM
I understood now how internet is the much bigger problem than PMO. I mean, if you're no more an internet addict it would become much harder for you to relapse, because simply since you're using internet all the time then it's always easy to open another tab and search porn, it's just a few clicks away. But while you're not on the internet, doing whatever, then you WILL remember to stop and think, you will have much more time to implement the now well rehearsed process of fighting off the urges.
Bingo! Now you understand why it's so hard for me.
Quote
I know you're fed up with all what I'm gonna say, but you have more freedom to fight internet abuse in real life more than PMO, simply because you can more easily disclose such info to people around you than the info about porn.
I am not fed up with you even if you tell me this over and over again. Repetition makes perfect. Sometimes I need to be reminded. Sometimes I need to be scolded. And it's true what you're saying. It's easier to talk about being addicted to Internet/video games than porn. Porn and masturbation are very sensitive subjects, maybe because they involve sexuality and, for many people, their sexuality is private. I mean, I've never discusses sex with anybody, how could I just jump to discussing my porn addiction? I don't know if I'm making sense but you might get the idea.
Quote
I'm not saying this forum is now useless for you. It's not. It taught you a lot and witnessed your greatest wins. But as you previously said earlier that you're a little conservative about bringing up internet and alcohol addiction on this forum as it's only dedicated to porn, you can't totally rely on it to address the other two issues (both of which are much more solvable in real life because they're not as embarrassing as PMO).
When it comes to my porn addiction, this forum is not useless at all for me. I've learned more stuff since being here than I could've learned on my own. I'm not relying on this forum to help me with Internet and alcohol because it's a primarily porn addiction forum. I didn't come here to ask people to help me with these 2 problems. I've come here to deal with my porn addiction, to begin with. However, given the fact that my Internet addiction is harder than my porn addiction, I feel like I could deal with my Internet addiction better than porn, maybe because of the nature of porn addiction and its place in our brains. I've been trying to quit porn addiction and I've failed a lot until I had to admit I should've tried to find some help.

Anyway, did I miss something? My mind is the same: Fog and slow like a computer that can't run a video game and you force it to run it and it only runs with 1 frame per second.   

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 06, 2019, 12:13:59 PM
Yes you missed something. My last reply was all about actually seeking professional help for your internet addiction and how hard it is for you to function while you're not using it. Since it's something not as sensitive as the PMO thing, then concerning its severity and how detrimental its link with PMO is, you should go out of your way to get it fixed before complaining about how hard it is to avoid PMO.
Just go to a psychiatrist and tell him/her: "I can't function without internet to the point I feel it's an addiction." You don't have to talk about PMO.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 06, 2019, 01:03:06 PM
Yes you missed something. My last reply was all about actually seeking professional help for your internet addiction and how hard it is for you to function while you're not using it. Since it's something not as sensitive as the PMO thing, then concerning its severity and how detrimental its link with PMO is, you should go out of your way to get it fixed before complaining about how hard it is to avoid PMO.
Just go to a psychiatrist and tell him/her: "I can't function without internet to the point I feel it's an addiction." You don't have to talk about PMO.

Yeah, my man, I will. Don't worry, I've said that this year will be a year of big changes.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 05:37:59 AM
Start of hardmode. My experiment.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 05:43:23 AM
1 week without alcohol, the first in a century. Yes, I am 600 years old.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 07, 2019, 09:09:45 AM
Quote
Yeah, my man, I will. Don't worry, I've said that this year will be a year of big changes.

Hurrah!

And what is hardmode? and what is the experiment?
Congrats on the progress with alcohol  ;)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 09:14:05 AM
Quote
Yeah, my man, I will. Don't worry, I've said that this year will be a year of big changes.

Hurrah!

And what is hardmode? and what is the experiment?
Congrats on the progress with alcohol  ;)

Hardmode experiment to see if I could do it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 07, 2019, 11:29:12 AM
I fully understand your sense of frustration. We have seen this story happen to us many times. We made a lot of promise to ourselves and at last we do it again. After that, we follow a rite that seems to seek more and more pain (for me at least). It's always the same.

After a relapse, negative thoughts also always arise: "I'm weak", "It will always repeat, there's no point in trying to stop", "All this attempt to change life is bullshit". But, deeply, we know that it's not bullshit. We know what will happen if we continue like that. A life filled with suffering / sadness / anger / guilt. Do not believe what your mind is telling you in the last days. You know how it works.

You still have all this year to move in another direction. To try with all your energy to have a self control with alcohol, internet and porn. How are you going to do that? I have no idea, but we need to find out! Or at least discuss about it.

As Omaravo advised, going to some specialists can help with all this. I went through some psychologists during my life that certainly helped me. Unfortunately, I do not have the money right now for it, otherwise I would consider.

Stay here, express yourself and keeping in touch with us is also a great help I believe.

Although I having seen some erotic content, I've been for over a month without seeing porn which is a great progress for me. but, honesty, I'm not happy either. I'm also having trouble to find a job and my anxiety and difficulty in socializing with people has harmed me to achieve this.

But I'm sure (and you are too) that porn will not help us with our problems. On the contrary!

Therefore, I really hope you will continue here with the attitude of wanting a better life this year. Peace, man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 11:39:03 AM
I fully understand your sense of frustration. We have seen this story happen to us many times. We made a lot of promise to ourselves and at last we do it again. After that, we follow a rite that seems to seek more and more pain (for me at least). It's always the same.

After a relapse, negative thoughts also always arise: "I'm weak", "It will always repeat, there's no point in trying to stop", "All this attempt to change life is bullshit". But, deeply, we know that it's not bullshit. We know what will happen if we continue like that. A life filled with suffering / sadness / anger / guilt. Do not believe what your mind is telling you in the last days. You know how it works.

You still have all this year to move in another direction. To try with all your energy to have a self control with alcohol, internet and porn. How are you going to do that? I have no idea, but we need to find out! Or at least discuss about it.

As Omaravo advised, going to some specialists can help with all this. I went through some psychologists during my life that certainly helped me. Unfortunately, I do not have the money right now for it, otherwise I would consider.

Stay here, express yourself and keeping in touch with us is also a great help I believe.

Although I having seen some erotic content, I've been for over a month without seeing porn which is a great progress for me. but, honesty, I'm not happy either. I'm also having trouble to find a job and my anxiety and difficulty in socializing with people has harmed me to achieve this.

But I'm sure (and you are too) that porn will not help us with our problems. On the contrary!

Therefore, I really hope you will continue here with the attitude of wanting a better life this year. Peace, man!

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

A fire in me exists, otherwise I wouldn't be here, trying to quit porn (and alcohol and Internet addiction on the other hand). There is no way I could accept a life like this until the end of the days. I was probably pissed off more than usual because I had started the challenge then I failed.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 07, 2019, 12:17:54 PM
but you had the attitude to suggest the challenge. That was great. we need to have that attitude and create ideas and challenge ourselves to change things.

Maybe a smaller challenge like 7 days in a different routine and without porn can be a good restart. It's just an idea. Have a good week!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 12:43:21 PM
but you had the attitude to suggest the challenge. That was great. we need to have that attitude and create ideas and challenge ourselves to change things.

Maybe a smaller challenge like 7 days in a different routine and without porn can be a good restart. It's just an idea. Have a good week!

To be honest with you, I created the challenge after a relapse, when I had no urges and it was easy to say: "I can resist a month without porn." Then on day 5, hard urges hit me but I could've gone on. What made me relapse was my stupidity. I never learn. I was in the middle of an urge and I got excited at the thought of getting a hard on without touching my dick. This led to harder arousal which led to losing control, I clicked on porn, I started masturbating and I failed to do anything to stop it, like a car that runs at 200 miles an hour without breaks. I relapsed and I got very pissed off and depressed about my challenge. When am I gonna learn? I know what to do yet I do stupid things like that which lead me to relapse. I sabotage myself. Making the first wrong step cracks the dam and the river floods everything. You shouldn't start in the first place.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 07, 2019, 02:38:04 PM
I understand...

What I have done when these urges appear is to masturbate myself without any pmo to decrease this.

When this happen, instead of fantasizing porn in my mind I try fantasize with a woman and observe what is going on in my body. The idea is gradually to take pornography out of the mind. The experiencie is much more real and there is no reason to feel guilty for that.

But I know that for some people this doesn't work well. But for me it's working...
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 03:04:27 PM
I understand...

What I have done when these urges appear is to masturbate myself without any pmo to decrease this.

When this happen, instead of fantasizing porn in my mind I try fantasize with a woman and observe what is going on in my body. The idea is gradually to take pornography out of the mind. The experiencie is much more real and there is no reason to feel guilty for that.

But I know that for some people this doesn't work well. But for me it's working...

No, I don't want to masturbate, watch porn, nothing. I've had enough of these.

Edit: I have no idea how to masturbate without porn since I've been doing this for maybe 18 years. Even if I could, somehow, it would be really weak so why bother? Better without it, for a while. I mean, I don't want to be black or white, but until things change, for now  it's not really a  good idea.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 07, 2019, 05:21:17 PM
sure. you are tired of everything that involves it (so am I).  And it's true that some things work for some people and not for others. So the importance of knowing ourselves.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 05:25:20 PM
sure. you are tired of everything that involves it (so am I).  And it's true that some things work for some people and not for others. So the importance of knowing ourselves.

Of course, which leads to, and I've said this before: Listening to your body. The body gives us signals. You know what's wrong with you if you pay attention to your body. And if I feel like I shouldn't even masturbate, maybe I should listen to this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 07, 2019, 08:51:26 PM
You've got this!

I've been thinking lately about how frustrating it is that I keep coming back to porn, even after going long streaks of time without it. And, maybe this isn't helpful to everyone, but I've realized that I've learned a lot through the process. Every time I slip up, I learn something new about where I'm weak or what I'm not doing as well as I could do. As much as I wish that this problem could just go away all at once, it has given me a strong and consistent reason to keep learning and improving.

I know just how rotten it can feel to slip--especially when it seems like the month or week or year is ruined by a single mess-up. But I also know that I wouldn't have grown in the ways that I have if it weren't for those relapses telling me where I can improve still. Maybe porn will get us again--but it doesn't have to get us in the same way twice. Every relapse is a chance to reset and reevaluate and press on, stronger and more informed than before
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 05:20:58 AM
You've got this!

I've been thinking lately about how frustrating it is that I keep coming back to porn, even after going long streaks of time without it. And, maybe this isn't helpful to everyone, but I've realized that I've learned a lot through the process. Every time I slip up, I learn something new about where I'm weak or what I'm not doing as well as I could do. As much as I wish that this problem could just go away all at once, it has given me a strong and consistent reason to keep learning and improving.

I know just how rotten it can feel to slip--especially when it seems like the month or week or year is ruined by a single mess-up. But I also know that I wouldn't have grown in the ways that I have if it weren't for those relapses telling me where I can improve still. Maybe porn will get us again--but it doesn't have to get us in the same way twice. Every relapse is a chance to reset and reevaluate and press on, stronger and more informed than before

That's right, man. That's what "Recovery" means.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 08:36:09 AM
So I'm done with being weak. This is day 2 Hard mode. If I don't do it this time then I will hang myself (upside down), I'm kidding. This would mean being weak.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 08:48:09 AM
I need to fight against the craving for "micro-dosing". That's what made me fail last time. And I can see how this craving sneaks unnoticeable if I don't pay attention. But I've created a "detector" and now I can detect the craving, no matter how subtle it is. I find myself thinking: "I would like some edging right now" and then I kick away this thought, ironically: "That's right, edge a little bit so you could start bingeing."
Let's see how this works. I've said things like this before but this time I should progress and move on from that.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on January 08, 2019, 12:14:12 PM
If I don't do it this time then I will hang myself (upside down), I'm kidding.

Hanging upside down is good for increased blood flow towards the brain ;) Known as reversal therapy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 08, 2019, 12:27:49 PM
I'm increasingly aware of those "mini-cravings" too. That's the right word to use. I'll tell you how I deal with them.
As I said before, relapses start from the very first point you start being okay with the tiniest fantasies and cravings. Yes they will come, but you should never be okay with them, perpetuate them or dwell on them. Because whenever you start liking to have them, a relapse is inevitable.
How do you terminate them? You immediately have to start thinking of anything else, just about anything. Overthinking about the cravings and edging make them more prominent and frequent and elongates their duration (even if you're overthinking why you don't want to have them). Remember, it's all about the neuronal pathways of dopamine that porn has created over time. When you persistently disuse them, and create new pathways for dopamine (or new ways of amusement), they start dying. And I believe overthinking about the whole thing only makes them more enticed and burning with craves.
Consider doing what I did; inventing a visible device that reminds you to quickly review all the arguments against porn in the moments of danger.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 12:45:44 PM
If I don't do it this time then I will hang myself (upside down), I'm kidding.

Hanging upside down is good for increased blood flow towards the brain ;) Known as reversal therapy.

Hahaha  ;D Alright.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 12:47:23 PM
I'm increasingly aware of those "mini-cravings" too. That's the right word to use. I'll tell you how I deal with them.
As I said before, relapses start from the very first point you start being okay with the tiniest fantasies and cravings. Yes they will come, but you should never be okay with them, perpetuate them or dwell on them. Because whenever you start liking to have them, a relapse is inevitable.
How do you terminate them? You immediately have to start thinking of anything else, just about anything. Overthinking about the cravings and edging make them more prominent and frequent and elongates their duration (even if you're overthinking why you don't want to have them). Remember, it's all about the neuronal pathways of dopamine that porn has created over time. When you persistently disuse them, and create new pathways for dopamine (or new ways of amusement), they start dying. And I believe overthinking about the whole thing only makes them more enticed and burning with craves.
Consider doing what I did; inventing a visible device that reminds you to quickly review all the arguments against porn in the moments of danger.

I definitely like that. And I've been doing already a part of what you said there. I think inevitably you end up doing this because it's a good way to deal with it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 09, 2019, 11:06:21 AM
I have never felt such frustration
Or lack of self control
I want you to kill me
And dig me under, I wanna live no more

One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be
I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

I want to taste dirty, a stinging pistol
In my mouth, on my tongue
I want you to scrape me from the walls
And go crazy like you've made me

You, you are so special
You have the talent to make me feel like dirt
And you, you use your talent to dig me under
And cover me with dirt
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 09, 2019, 04:53:04 PM
Sometimes I forget how refreshing is to watch something with no nudity in it. All the TV series I've been trying to follow have some of this. If I told this to other people, they might laugh at me. "What's wrong with some nudity? Are you a prude?" No motherfuckers, I'm not a prude, I'm a porn junkie and that's for me like asking a recovery alcoholic to drink a beer with your group. It's strange to tell people about your porn addiction because people don't even know this is an addiction. I wish it was that clear as telling them: "I'm an alcoholic". This forum is the only place where people understand me and I needed this, otherwise I would've suffered in silence.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 09, 2019, 08:26:44 PM
You have talent with words. use more of this. writing can be of great help to your recovery (I imagine it is already being). about the TV shows, I feel the same. good series that have no nudity are rare and which for some people is something harmless, to us it works like poison or a light dose of our favorite drug.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 09, 2019, 09:04:25 PM
True that--even shows that suggest nudity can be a real drag. That's definitely something I've been working on, trying to make sure that all my media content comes up to a higher standard. It's meant realizing for me that some things don't have to be acceptable for me even if other people don't seem to have an issue with them.

And I'd second Kaingang--I've been writing through my recovery more lately than  before, both here and in a private journal, and it's been helping a lot.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 05:02:37 AM
True that--even shows that suggest nudity can be a real drag. That's definitely something I've been working on, trying to make sure that all my media content comes up to a higher standard. It's meant realizing for me that some things don't have to be acceptable for me even if other people don't seem to have an issue with them.

And I'd second Kaingang--I've been writing through my recovery more lately than  before, both here and in a private journal, and it's been helping a lot.

People who are not addicted to porn view this differently. If I told someone: "I don't wanna watch that TV series because it's got nudity in it," they would laugh at me. "Come on, dude, are you a monk?" It's like when my mom used to tell me: "You drink too much, you should just drink a beer or a glass," when I was binge drinking some times ago. I cannot use these in moderation anymore. I can't watch a scene in a TV series or a movie and not think about jerking off and I can't just drink a beer or a glass of wine without trying to obtain more, after years of bingeing those fucking things. I had to stay away from watching favorite movies and favorite TV series. It sucks but anything for better. I had to stay away from "a beer" or "a glass" and it's crazy how much society lives around alcohol. You don't realize until you quit. People call you and invite you to "go drink a beer". You can't go to birthday parties, you can't go to weddings, I mean you go but what about all the alcohol around? I'm not at the point where I could see alcohol and be fine. I have just a little over a week without alcohol for the first time in years. I would be boring for some people because of my non-drinking present. "Nah, man, let's not call that fucking guy cause he doesn't even drink! We're going ourselves."

Peace \/
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 05:03:54 AM
You have talent with words. use more of this. writing can be of great help to your recovery (I imagine it is already being). about the TV shows, I feel the same. good series that have no nudity are rare and which for some people is something harmless, to us it works like poison or a light dose of our favorite drug.

I can't watch those movies or tv series anymore because they make me relapse. It might seem like a little dose but you can go back to being an alcoholic after just one glass.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 05:34:18 AM
The unknown is one of man's greatest fears. Preparation makes a lot of difference. Knowledge is our preparation.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 06:12:55 AM
Living in the past, it's hard to stay sober
Unknown is the future and what will bring over
The present is life, molded by what has been
It's time to heal and repair from within




Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 07:47:40 AM
I binged yesterday.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 08:16:26 AM
I am sad to say it but nobody will save me if my real self won't.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 09:53:41 AM
I'm so fucking sick of depending on stimulants to live. Why, because I feel so low? Because of my anxiety? That's why I constantly need things to numb me? That's why I need things to make me feel good because this is the only moment when I could feel good? I'm tired of this! I'm tired of using alcohol and porn as a "reward" for going through tough times. "Okay, you've endured the anxiety and depression, now you have the right to feel good. Get drunk or click on porn." Fuck this! I'm done living like this! I need to find the energy in me to feel good without these.
Right now, I don't believe myself saying this. I am depressed. But I'm not lying either. It is the truth.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 11:39:13 AM
Sometimes my loneliness comes back to look for me and it makes me feel so lonely. It's crashing. It's my fucking fault for ending up like that. I've lived in isolation for years and I don't know anybody. It's pathetic and laughable. I have absolutely no friends and nobody to talk to. If I said this to someone, they would think I am a freak, a weirdo. I am. That's right, I am a weirdo and a freak. And what hurts the most is that I've allowed myself to be like this. I wish I fucking realized earlier. One thing I know for sure: It hurts to be lonely. How the fuck do you want to stay away from drinking and wanking, like this?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 10, 2019, 09:26:57 PM
Hang in there, man! I've been living on my own for a long time now, so I've dealt with some loneliness. It can really suck the life out of you. Sending good vibes  your way.

Do you think loneliness is at the root of your porn use? I know I've been trying to figure out what really drives my addiction. I can quit masturbating for a hundred days if I want, but I've realized it will always come back if I don't address the issues that are really at the heart of my addiction. I'm not sure I've got it figured out yet, but I think I've started making some progress on that project. I've been treating myself much better as a result, and that's been helping.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 11, 2019, 05:04:21 AM
Hang in there, man! I've been living on my own for a long time now, so I've dealt with some loneliness. It can really suck the life out of you. Sending good vibes  your way.

Thanks, man.

Quote
Do you think loneliness is at the root of your porn use?
Now it certainly is and I think it has been for some years. It started from curiosity and feeling good but later it became a self-medication, escapism, coping tool. What's crazy is that you might not even see it that way for a long time. It was certainly my case. i recently figured out that. Maybe the loneliness (which brings depression too) has been the reason why I've been constantly relapsing. I cannot jump right away and achieve a 30 days, 90 days, 100 days streak or whatever. I can't go more than a few days. This month, the longest I could go was 5 days. I've binged twice. I don't want to sound like I'm asking for pity or whatever, I think it's more like getting things out of my chest because this forum section is called "Journals" and I've been treating mine like that. A place where I could write what's in my mind, as if it were a real diary. I have a hard time dealing with how my life ended up being. I live in isolation and I'm extremely lonely: This means nobody knows I exist. Only my parents. I have nobody to even talk to. I don't even remember when I had a conversation with someone last time. Sometimes I live in denial, but then it comes back to me and it's crashing. It makes me be so aware of my loneliness. I think I'm a pretty broken guy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 11, 2019, 07:50:12 PM
I don't know if it means much coming from internet people--but we're here for you.

As much as social anxiety drives my porn use, I think it works the other way too. When I spend time watching porn and/or edging, I often feel like I'm less worthy of people's respect and attention, so I withdraw from people. That's one thing that's so sick about this addiction--it arises out of loneliness and then makes it worse.

I've told a few people in my life about my struggles with PMO, and I've always been surprised by their reactions. I've always been afraid that they would lose respect for me and love me less, but that's never happened. If anything, it's almost like they've respected me more for trusting them and for wanting to get better.

I guess what I'm trying to say (sorry to write so much in your journal) is that you might feel broken, and I don't want to diminish those feelings because they're real. But, I bet you're a lot farther from broken than you realize. You're working on it. Even if it's slow and agonizing, you can make real progress. Porn is lying when it tells you you're worth less than other people. That's how it keeps you trapped. There are better days ahead. I still have work to do on my own recovery, but I've made a lot of progress from when I was at my worst during high school. Things might be especially rough now, but they don't have to be like that forever
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 12, 2019, 04:15:50 AM
I don't know if it means much coming from internet people--but we're here for you.

As much as social anxiety drives my porn use, I think it works the other way too. When I spend time watching porn and/or edging, I often feel like I'm less worthy of people's respect and attention, so I withdraw from people. That's one thing that's so sick about this addiction--it arises out of loneliness and then makes it worse.

I've told a few people in my life about my struggles with PMO, and I've always been surprised by their reactions. I've always been afraid that they would lose respect for me and love me less, but that's never happened. If anything, it's almost like they've respected me more for trusting them and for wanting to get better.

I guess what I'm trying to say (sorry to write so much in your journal) is that you might feel broken, and I don't want to diminish those feelings because they're real. But, I bet you're a lot farther from broken than you realize. You're working on it. Even if it's slow and agonizing, you can make real progress. Porn is lying when it tells you you're worth less than other people. That's how it keeps you trapped. There are better days ahead. I still have work to do on my own recovery, but I've made a lot of progress from when I was at my worst during high school. Things might be especially rough now, but they don't have to be like that forever

Thanks, man. You don't write too much in my journal.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 12, 2019, 04:38:07 AM
So, I wanted to write about my alcohol sobriety on Monday, that will complete 2 weeks without even a sip or sniffing the alcohol (okay, it's not cocaine), but I couldn't have patience for that and I decided to write now because the morning surprised me. I felt so good and energized, despise sleeping for only 4 hours. I had to go to places and I didn't run out of energy, even being sleepy. I was thinking: "Man, what's the secret? My porn/masturbation streak is only 3 days long. I shouldn't be feeling like that earlier than maybe a week or 2 weeks." Then I realized it was the 12 days I've been away from alcohol. I have less anxiety, better mood, better positivity and better energy. That's what's up! I like it. Now comes the success of the day: I went to my favorite store, right? Every time I went there in the past, I bought myself a six pack of my favorite beer (the strongest beer in the store, yeah, typical alcoholic). I've said some time ago that I am a routine freak. I get caught up in routine easily like dogs. And then I feel strange when I have to change it. Today I went to the store and of course the correlation between my visit there and the six pack started right away. However, I don't know how I did it but I stayed away from the alcohol shelf. I didn't touch it. I was probably happy with how I felt. I wish I could do this with porn as well. For me it's a victory. Here is a guy who always bought a six pack in that store and who was always super angry, depressed and crushed if he missed the chance. Today I didn't buy it and I don't feel bad at all.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 12, 2019, 05:52:39 AM
This room has a wonderful view. If only those iron bars were not in the way.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 12, 2019, 02:45:32 PM
Hey changemylife! I'm sorry for being not so present lately. I'm busy to death and all my energy is being severely drained by studying. I see that so much has happened since I last logged in two days ago. To be honest I have below zero energy so I can't read all the new posts (except the last one and I CONGRATULATE YOU). Please keep it up. As for my business (the noun for busy. haha), things will get worse the coming days, so I might not be able to log in for the next few days.
I also see it's still being tough on you on the no PMO side. As I said before, healing from one addiction will certainly help take the others with it. Alcohol seems the easiest and it's great that you're making observable progress with it. Observable progress in the form of "feeling good without it/ feeling good because you're not dependent on it" is very important.
Time to take on internet too.
To brief you on my situation, my sexual energy is full and it's starting to irritate me. I'm on a nofap challenge as you know, so I guess I'm doing fine. I want to change my thread name and tweak my profile for the 2019 challenge but I have no time (yeah, I know we're halfway through the first month and I haven't started the year yet on this forum ::) . I wish I was less busy)
Otherwise, how have you been?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 12, 2019, 02:54:02 PM
I also see it's still being tough on you on the no PMO side. As I said before, healing from one addiction will certainly help take the others with it. Alcohol seems the easiest and it's great that you're making observable progress with it. Observable progress in the form of "feeling good without it/ feeling good because you're not dependent on it" is very important.

Alcohol is the easiest from my addictions and it's been easier to handle it. With the other two it's another story.

Quote
Time to take on internet too.
I will when I will be able to.



Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 06:16:59 AM
Relapse.



Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: K-Dot on January 13, 2019, 06:23:24 AM
Relapse.

Don't binge
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 07:18:30 AM
I'm losing hope.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 07:51:28 AM
How are you not dead? You're broken, dragging your feet with no desire to go on. Tired of this life that only leads to your death. Where's your happiness? You hate people telling you: "It takes a lifetimes to be there." That means too many years with too much suffering. You don't want to be an old man filled with regret. How can you be happy even then when you've lived nothing? "Then live your life!" others would love to tell you. You don't know how and you have no strength for this. You are clueless in a world that you don't understand. You can't handle what the society and your parents are expecting you to do. You are tired of that sweet river of honey, interminable like any river, that you can't have enough of. You lie down on its shore, too exhausted to move after the swim. Someone should kill you, because you can't do it yourself. You belong to the dirt when you should've been dead at birth. Your brain doesn't function correctly. There is no place in this world for people like you. They are called weirdos, freaks, losers and kids.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 13, 2019, 07:53:37 AM
internet and porn is really something that helps us to isolate ourselves and have an extremely poor social life. I also share this feeling many times because I do not have many social skills and although I have a friend group for years, I no longer have much intimacy with them.

the internet allows us to exclude ourselves from the world and not be so bored with it. It's like we are hiding behind the internet for our fear of living. I remember many times when I kept doing anything on my cell phone during college so I did not need to socialize with other people, although this was my biggest wish. meet other people and create some bond.

porn makes us feel very bad. dirty, weak, and take away all our energy. and with all these feelings, the urge to go out to meet people and share is zero. it seems to me a vicious circle: a lot of time on the internet + porn + loneliness.

I was happy to hear of your story in the store where you broke that beer-buying routine and did not feel bad. the truth is that all our habits and addictions have their own routine. and breaking this routine is imperative to beat them. the same way you did it with the alcohol, you can do with porn.

Let's say that every time you feel bad or very lonely you watch porn. If one of those times you can deal with that bad feeling without the porn and doing something else, you'll feel stronger to face this damn addiction.

I know words are easy to be told. but we have to try man. keep sharing with us and do not lose your hopes.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 12:46:59 PM
Waking up from the dream has been the worst thing that has happened.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 01:34:01 PM
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on it's own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible wall. I walk invisible between you all. I am retarded so you don't want to meet me. You can't describe it in so many words but you feel something is wrong. I can't look 10 stories down. I know that flying out the window might make me free. Don't cover me with dirt, I am claustrophobic. Burn me and put me in a jar, but it's also claustrophobic. Leave me where I am but then you will complain. Lifeless dead is not a pet.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 03:02:56 PM
The quiz question, asking me if I wanted to complicate my life and suffer, only had 1 answer. It was a question too hard for a kid.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 03:07:58 PM
Depressed and lonely. Put me out of my misery.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 13, 2019, 03:19:11 PM
Nostalgia, for the times when I wasn't lonely, is killing me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 13, 2019, 07:19:00 PM
It sounds like things are tough emotionally. I'm sorry to hear it--but don't give up!

One of my priorities at this stage of my recovery is take better care of myself physically and emotionally. If you don't mind my asking, what are you doing to take care of yourself? I know how easy it is to treat yourself like the villain when dealing with addiction--I've really been hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that you aren't a villain so much as a victim. Sure, you're a victim of your own behavior and neural pathways, but you're a lot more worthy of your own love and respect than you might realize. (I know I've only recently been learning to love and respect myself.)

Are there things you enjoy doing? Hobbies or activities? Is your place clean and relaxing? I know these are things that have made a difference for me. They might help you. Whatever you do, I hope you can practice seeing yourself as the person you're becoming rather than the person you've been. How can we do this if we lose hope of eventually overcoming?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 14, 2019, 11:08:19 AM
From above, you watch your twin brother sleeping. In a suit. Who sleeps in a suit? And not in the bed, in half of box. But then you realize you're floating. How did you end up in the air? Things become clear now. The one down there is you. And they cover him with the other half of box.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 14, 2019, 11:28:52 AM
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray

Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 14, 2019, 11:33:34 AM
2 weeks without alcohol. Great achievement. I'll give myself a pat on the back with a crowbar.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 14, 2019, 11:43:50 AM
Let's celebrate the great life with a nice, relaxing cyanide.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on January 14, 2019, 01:14:56 PM
Hang in there mate, today is not the day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 14, 2019, 04:53:07 PM
Hang in there mate, today is not the day.

For real, don't give up. We don't know each other well, but you welcomed me here and I appreciate that. There's more to you than addiction and more to your future than loneliness.

Believe that you and your future are worth fighting for. You've made a positive difference to me here already. There's a lot of good in you yet, and it will only get stronger as you stay the course
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: whereismoxy on January 14, 2019, 07:10:18 PM
Change,

Worried about you man. 

I agree with what the two people above me said but also, man the fuck up!  It's time to strap that those boot laces, son.  I know its not easy.  You, myself, & everyone in this forum has felt like what you're going through before.  That's life.  Life is forever changing.  You gotta make it happen though.  You'd stop playing the victim & hold yourself accountable if you truly want out.   

Anyway dude, wish you success. 
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 05:36:35 AM
Living in your own world, it's so sad that it's not the right world. It's connected to reality, not being crazy kills the piece of mind. Killing become soothing. Others love to drive you crazy. "Crazy" is a word that people bring up a lot, but you wish you were crazy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 07:12:21 AM
I've been waiting my whole life for just one fuck
And all I needed was just one fuck
How can you say that you don't give a fuck?
I find myself stupefied, all alone again

All I wanted was just one fuck
One tiny, little, innocent fuck
And when I feel like I'm out of luck
I find myself stupefied, all alone again

All the people, in the left wing, fuck
And all the people, in the right wing, fuck
And all the people, in the underground, fuck
I find myself stupefied, all alone again

All the people, in the high-rise, fuck
And all the people, in the projects, fuck
And all "La Hente", in the barrio, fuck
I find myself stupefied, all alone again

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 11:47:52 AM
Loneliness is not a phase.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Decaptare on January 15, 2019, 04:16:11 PM
Stay strong man. You'll win
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 04:35:34 PM
You are tired of that interminable sweet river of honey. You lie down on its shore, exhausted after the swim.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 04:50:04 PM
Hard drugs are injected to you through your eyes, for free. Drugs for free! All the kids are happy. Let's give free drugs to the kids. These drugs are unique: You can't die by overdose. So come and dive in!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 04:54:24 PM
If you've never been "normal" how can you say "normal again"?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 16, 2019, 11:12:30 AM
If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?

My lifestyle determines my death style. 

Birth is pain, life is pain, death is pain. The circle of pain.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 16, 2019, 01:20:29 PM
Please die before death becomes compulsory.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 16, 2019, 01:47:24 PM
If things get bad, have your cyanide tablet prepared!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on January 16, 2019, 04:11:04 PM
Do they get bad though? Has anything changed in the last few weeks? Are you in a binge cycle? Tell us what's the matter, we're here to help.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 16, 2019, 04:31:47 PM
Do they get bad though? Has anything changed in the last few weeks? Are you in a binge cycle? Tell us what's the matter, we're here to help.

I'm fucked. My life is non-existent and I can't do anything about it right now (it's a long story, really, to explain to you). I'm completely lonely, I have nobody to even talk to, I am super depressed and all these keep me trapped in this PMO self-medication. I wanted to quit in 2019 and I've binged 3 times in only 2 fucking weeks. So things are not bad? If you could be happy with my life then it would mean you must be crazy. 
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 16, 2019, 04:38:06 PM
After bingeing for the 3rd time in only 2 weeks, I've lost my fucking mind.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Decaptare on January 16, 2019, 04:58:51 PM
Keep calm bro
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Castaño on January 16, 2019, 05:43:38 PM
Dude, have you tried some blocking software? on chrome you can use StayFocusd. It blocks the sites you choose after using them some amount of time.

Another option, which really helped me is to completely block some sites on your laptop, here's how to do it:
https://www.pcworld.com/article/249077/web-apps/how-to-block-websites.html

I think it can be done on mobile phones as well, but not sure how exactly.

TRIGGER WARNING but a possible advice
And man, if you have such a trouble abstaining from porn, perhaps abstination straight away is not the best choice. on YBOP I read abstaining and then binging is reinforcing your addiction even more. You could do one month when you PMO only every third day. Then every fourth day, and increasing intervals as time goes on.
END OF TRIGGER WARNING

There will be failures, and even blocking all the sites in the world on your laptop won't help 100% as I learned. But things will get better as time goes on and you keep trying.


Go for it man, it's so, so worth it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 16, 2019, 09:01:03 PM
How long has your brain relied on PMO to deal with stress and depression? That's not something that's going to change from one day to the next. Even if we're doing everything right, healing takes time--so don't be too, too hard on yourself, man. It's not about how many times you fall but about how you get back up and try again the next day.

What you're experiencing now is not the rest of your life. You feel lonely, but you're not alone: we're all here to support each other in this long, frustrating, but exciting journey
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 08:42:09 AM
_______________________
| PLEASE EXIT FROM PORN  |
|             BEFORE               |
|        EXIT FROM LIFE        |
|             BECOMES            |
|          COMPULSORY         |
|_____________________ |
               |   |
               |   |
               |   |
             
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 10:30:52 AM
Yet, you cannot help but feel unprepared. The celebration banquet is too far away, and I find you once more within this "burning chamber".

But the chamber, like the banquet, is of the mind, and the only way out is within the latter. The mind can be trained to be your ally or be left on its own and become an enemy. You've thought of opening the death's door many times, but both of us will, this time, be serving tea. 

It is through pain as well that we know we are alive, and this time, the pain must end. Would you return to the world from which you've come? Drown in the chit-chatter?

Better to have a story and end it, than never to realize it has begun.

Don't become your own villain.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 11:08:23 AM
Today, I watched porn and edged until my dick started hurting. But the arousal was not strong enough and I didn't finish.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 17, 2019, 11:44:42 AM
Hey man, I'm back.
I agree with castano. You're in a vicious cycle now. Try cutting that cycle first before deciding that there's no hope or whatever shit people who're in trouble keep subconsciously telling themselves to avoid the blame. Then you're start thinking again and restarting the fight. You've started trying to heal when you were at that same point. So it's only logical that you can do it again.
As I told you before, porn will remain a problem as long as internet is still the bigger problem. So I want you to man up and stop loving the victim role. Do as castano says. Better be once a week without bingeing. And then in the porn free intervals you can make up your mind again and resolve yourself to start over.
After you do that, make the most out of your porn free days. GO TO A THERAPIST. TELL HIM YOU'RE DEPRESSED AND YOU'R TALKING ABOUT CYANIDE AND THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT INTERNET AND THAT YOU HAVE A PORN PROBLEM. If it's too hard for us to quit addictions, then those are the people who can design a therapy for us. It's their fucking profession. The longer you stay in this cycle the more you're gonna feel down. Do something to break it and you're gonna start feeling better SOON, not IN YEARS. The banquet is in breaking the cycle and talking to a professional. Don't tell me you're not ready, don't tell me you don't have time. All you have is pain that you would want to do anything to avoid and yet you're doing everything to increase it and then come complaining.
Those people who're talking to you, me included, will be waiting to see how you're gonna take a decisive action and man up to your problems.
ACT NOW. IT'S NOW OR NEVER.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 11:48:06 AM
Yeah, man, sure, I will go to a therapist if you give me money.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 17, 2019, 11:53:15 AM
That was all I could say and I said it with honesty and hope. Whenever you put your hands on any money you have to do that right away.
For now, try as much as you can to get yourself some porn free intervals where you can regain your confidence. And don't binge.
There's no other way.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 11:54:37 AM
How the fuck you want me to stay away from porn?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 17, 2019, 11:57:01 AM
Like you did before. I don't know how you did it before.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 11:58:52 AM
Like you did before. I don't know how you did it before.

I never did it before.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Fapstronaut2019 on January 17, 2019, 12:00:39 PM
You did stay away from porn for more than two weeks, unless that was not true.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 01:20:39 PM
You did stay away from porn for more than two weeks, unless that was not true.

When?

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 03:53:10 PM
Time doesn't heal anything if nothing is done.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 04:03:27 PM
Okay, I had a depressive episode in the last few days and I felt like I was losing my mind or something. Days are like a roller coaster. If you go through my journal from the beginning, you could clearly see the emotions I've been through. I moved from optimism and determination to fight, to almost suicidal idealization because of those binges. Now I could say I'm closer to how I normally am emotionally and this text is honest. I can't resist the urges to write what I feel. Everything I've been writing is what I was feeling at the time. Fucking porn, man! I've said this a 1000 times maybe or just once, I can't remember, but I have my hands tied right now because they are taking too long to hire me. Only like that I could leave this place and go back to society, maybe make some friends or at least feel like I have a life. Someone told me that maybe I shouldn't bet everything on this job but, honestly, what else have I got? And because my life is the way it is right now, and it's been the way it's been in the last years, I'm having an insane time with my addictions. I can't control the binges. Maybe I should take 3 months in the mountains with the monks.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 04:13:21 PM
And the "Solitary confinement" feeling is the hardest part. You are lonely and have nobody to talk to. You are just by yourself all day long. Enough to make you lose your mind, I guess. I feel like some character in a movie where he lives on an empty island.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 17, 2019, 08:56:36 PM
Now I could say I'm closer to how I normally am emotionally and this text is honest. I can't resist the urges to write what I feel. Everything I've been writing is what I was feeling at the time.

Glad you're feeling more like yourself. I hope that job works out for you: I know I do a lot better when I have something to get up in the morning and go do. I'll be rooting for you on that front.

GO TO A THERAPIST. TELL HIM YOU'RE DEPRESSED AND YOU'R TALKING ABOUT CYANIDE

I'll second that. Maybe you're not ready (or able) to find a therapist for everything right now. But if you're ever in crisis, like you might harm yourself, there are people out there who can help at little to no cost. There are phone numbers and websites that can get you in touch with the help you need in an emergency. It might not be the right time to pursue regular therapy, but don't let this addiction rob you of your future.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 17, 2019, 09:44:27 PM
Yes talking to others in real life, or over the phone, can be immensely helpful. They may not have the answers, but just getting it out in the open is progress. This habit only gets worse with secrecy.

And as for a job, great to have one, but you can also make up plenty of other 'jobs' while not hired. Clean, organise, rearrange your place. Read something you can get lost in. Exercise. Work on a project.

Sure with all of the above tasks nobody will be managing you or making sure you're on track, but we have to eventually become independent and stay on track ourselves when nobody is around anyways.

"these mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb"

Keep it going Changemylife, your determination to carry on despite it being far from easy is admirable.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Decaptare on January 17, 2019, 10:50:43 PM
You are not alone with this addiction, ok?! We are together. And you have to do something that challenge yourself, so your mind you'll be really busy thinking about all those new things. I think it'll make that journey easy. Update us man I'm worried
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 18, 2019, 05:02:04 AM
Thank you all.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 19, 2019, 06:21:13 AM
I am all alone at home, both of my parents are out. There, before me, I see a little "box", nice to look at. I say: "That must be a splendid toy". I strike a match.

Every time I'm all alone, I'm pulled to the "fire". Why doesn't the sun shine for me? Why don't I get healthy?

It reaches for me, I don't resist. It jumps to my face. It bites hard, it pains me a lot, I jump around the room.

Oh, no! The "flame" touches my clothes! They burn. My hands burn, my hair burns... In fact, my whole body burns!

The "fire" loves me.

I have been totally "burned". Everything is "burned" completely. From the ashes, all alone, I climb up to the sunshine.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 19, 2019, 01:36:13 PM
What fucking TV series could I watch that doesn't include nudity cause it's driving me crazy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on January 19, 2019, 02:42:33 PM
I'll post this here, not to crash Humble Rich's journal:

If you're serious about your reboot and you really wanna make it, quit all drugs that lead you to relapses. In my case this is alcohol. Seems like alcohol is a trigger for you, too!

Oh, and don't binge, get back on the horse!

In my case, alcohol created anxiety and it led me to relapse. In 2 days it will be 3 weeks without alcohol and I don't regret it. I don't feel any superhuman powers or anything like that but alcohol was another problem and I don't need it.

Are you kidding, man? That's fucking insane. And you said, you wouldn't be making any progress at all. 3 weeks clean from alcohol is great. Keep it up man!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 19, 2019, 03:08:08 PM
Ah, I didn't understand what was going on  :D

I'm not making progress with porn at all. When it comes to alcohol, yeah, I've been making a good progress, I have almost 3 weeks. Alcohol is the easiest of my addiction and, as you could see, it's been actually really easy to do this. With porn it's another story.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 20, 2019, 01:55:12 AM
Ah, I didn't understand what was going on  :D

I'm not making progress with porn at all. When it comes to alcohol, yeah, I've been making a good progress, I have almost 3 weeks. Alcohol is the easiest of my addiction and, as you could see, it's been actually really easy to do this. With porn it's another story.


That is a big change, and I must assume by strengthening your resilience with alcahol, you're only benefitting youreslf for all other areas needing improvement, including the porn habit.

Perhaps back to the drawing board? In regards to what effects porn use. You may want to reconsider...
What you do during a day you watch porn?
What are your thoughts the moment before the act?
What habits, like alcohol, can you change to assist you?

I slowed down my drinking a lot, now I'm working on building a social network which has been lacking for years.

Every thing like this we address, despite relapses, is progress brother. So 3 weeks no alcohol, when we can all agree it doesn't mix well with porn, is a piece to the puzzle.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 20, 2019, 04:38:29 AM
That is a big change, and I must assume by strengthening your resilience with alcahol, you're only benefitting youreslf for all other areas needing improvement, including the porn habit.

Perhaps back to the drawing board? In regards to what effects porn use. You may want to reconsider...
What you do during a day you watch porn?
What are your thoughts the moment before the act?
What habits, like alcohol, can you change to assist you?

I slowed down my drinking a lot, now I'm working on building a social network which has been lacking for years.

Every thing like this we address, despite relapses, is progress brother. So 3 weeks no alcohol, when we can all agree it doesn't mix well with porn, is a piece to the puzzle.

Well, sometimes it's difficult to explain what the fuck is going on in my mind. I'm trying to understand it myself.

Many years ago I've discovered that waiting a few days built up urges and then the arousal felt better and the "high" was better. Before this, I PMOed everyday, as many times as I could, so the arousal and the "high" were weak. There was no time to build up any urges.

So I started doing like this, waiting about 4-5 days. But then I started not being able to arouse myself sometimes even after a few days, maybe because of my depression, other times maybe because I had a cold or I was tired etc. The idea is, I needed, let's call it, the "perfect conditions" for my big arousal to happen and when it didn't, it was very frustrating and I got angry and depressed. I began hating to do this. So I said I wanted to quit and I saw that I couldn't. At that time, I didn't know that porn was an addiction, I only said I was addicted to masturbation. I wanted to quit masturbation and I had no success. Porn for me was just a tool to arouse myself for masturbation. It was only recently that, accidentally, I found Gabe Deem's videos, I watched his video with Noah Church, I read things on YBOP, I watched some videos with Gary Wilson and I've finally realized I was addicted to porn.

Now, I've been trying to quit porn but, isn't it funny? When I tell myself that I want to quit for good, hard urges appear. When I tell myself that I want to wait a few days for a great PMO sessions, I'm shut down like a wire breaks in my brain. It's so frustrating. Because the urges are part of the withdrawal and they torture me when they come. My brain pushes me into "edging a little" or "arousing myself a little" and this leads to a relapse.

What do I think before I do it? Well, I guess it goes like:
"A little edging is a little pleasure but it won't lead to relapse."
"Those urges are hard, I can't do it this time, I will do it next time when maybe conditions are better. And if I'm at it, imagine what great high I will get with those urges."

I know how it ends when I think like that but I'm stupid and I keep doing it. When am I gonna learn to avoid relapsing the same way over and over again. It's pathetic.

What other things push me to relapse? Alcohol, that's why I quit three weeks ago. Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks. Of course, I quit alcohol for other reasons too but one of them was that it raised my anxiety which pushed me to PMO. The anxiety makes urges harder to resist. I do it better when I'm calmer.

Okay, I don't know if I deviated from the subject but I like to write. At the same time, it's good I'm writing this cause I could understand the situation better, I guess.

Peace \/ (cause without peace, there's chaos - in the mind)

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 20, 2019, 08:13:40 PM
Keep at it, man! I read a long time ago that porn activates the same hormones and stuff that are designed to keep people in long-term relationships. So no wonder your body and mind freaks out when you try to quit--it's like going through a break-up in addition to all the stuff that comes with fighting an addiction.

I know writing about my addiction has been helpful for me. I pour my thoughts into a word document that I write in every day. I even wrote a break-up letter to porn once. It helped me think through why exactly I want to quit.

Anyhow--congrats on three weeks without alcohol. That's a great step! We're not just healing from porn, we're healing everything.

Also, I just wanted to say thanks for your support in the short time I've been here. It's been really helpful to have someone responding to my posts and keeping me on track.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 21, 2019, 02:17:53 AM
It's good to get it all off your chest man, and I have to say, a lot of what you're writing resonates with what I've been thinking on and off.


Having that build up and anticipation for porn is a key thing to focus on.

At the end of the day, lots of people report feeling more balanced after some time PMO free. But in recovering, we need a few feel-good things (that are healthy) to help us through.

Not only do we need healthy rewarding activities. We should be kind to ourselves also. This is fundamental - relapses happen, and maybe one day they won't, we'll just move on - but putting ourselves down when it happens only reinforces a negative mindset.

There is actually a positve to every relapse, it gives us a chance to focus on what went wrong, and change that for the next try.

I hope this helps in some way. Just want to emphasise that I was thinking a very similar way a short time ago, and the only differences to now is that I put a few extra possible activites in my day, which I can use to avoid porn. And when porn thoughts do come up, I remind myself of how I'll only get my real-world goals achieved without it.

If I could offer one more question: When there's an urge to watch porn, are there at least 3 things you enjoy doing that you can go to instead?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 05:00:49 AM
At the end of the day, lots of people report feeling more balanced after some time PMO free. But in recovering, we need a few feel-good things (that are healthy) to help us through.
Thanks for the reply.

I can see this now. And it's true. I haven't had rewarding or "feel good healthy things" as you said. Porn ended up being that pleasure that I've been seeking. That's why I kept relapsing. I kept thinking about that fucking pleasure.

Quote
If I could offer one more question: When there's an urge to watch porn, are there at least 3 things you enjoy doing that you can go to instead?
I could find 3 things but it's very hard to enjoy them because of my Internet addiction. I'm not try to find an excuse, just presenting the situation as it is. Of course, it's in my plan to quit my Internet addiction but I can't right now, and this also pisses me off because there is something that I don't have control over. I'm waiting to be hired, I've talked about this in my journal. This job will take a part of my day away and then if I did something else, I could stay away from Internet a lot. At least this is what I think.

Because of my Internet addiction, I couldn't really enjoy anything else because it feels "empty", I don't know how to say it. I mean, I could stop and do something else but I wouldn't enjoy it. It's like the only things that brings pleasure is Internet and porn. When I do anything else, I feel nothing. That's why I haven't done anything else, which has been detrimental  to my porn recovery. But maybe I'll try to push through and do those things. I don't know if I will really enjoy them, but for sure they could take away some hours for me.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 05:57:25 AM
I've counted the days with the calendar and today is the 20th day without alcohol.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Decaptare on January 21, 2019, 10:58:59 AM
Congratulations man
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 11:13:48 AM
Congratulations man

Thanks, man.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 02:23:01 PM
The thirst for alcohol is closing in. I find myself suddenly thinking about drinking something.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 04:20:37 PM
Keep at it, man! I read a long time ago that porn activates the same hormones and stuff that are designed to keep people in long-term relationships. So no wonder your body and mind freaks out when you try to quit--it's like going through a break-up in addition to all the stuff that comes with fighting an addiction.

I know writing about my addiction has been helpful for me. I pour my thoughts into a word document that I write in every day. I even wrote a break-up letter to porn once. It helped me think through why exactly I want to quit.

Anyhow--congrats on three weeks without alcohol. That's a great step! We're not just healing from porn, we're healing everything.

Also, I just wanted to say thanks for your support in the short time I've been here. It's been really helpful to have someone responding to my posts and keeping me on track.

For some reason, maybe because of my brain fog or something, I've missed your reply. Thanks for the support.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: ChopperGuy on January 21, 2019, 07:39:28 PM
The thirst for alcohol is closing in. I find myself suddenly thinking about drinking something.

How’d this go?

I too have been hitting the bottle a lot recently. It definitely ties in with my p urges. I’ve been thinking about cutting it out completely.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 21, 2019, 07:45:06 PM

For some reason, maybe because of my brain fog or something, I've missed your reply. Thanks for the support.

Don't sweat it!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Reborn16 on January 22, 2019, 02:55:42 AM
At the end of the day, lots of people report feeling more balanced after some time PMO free. But in recovering, we need a few feel-good things (that are healthy) to help us through.
Thanks for the reply.

I can see this now. And it's true. I haven't had rewarding or "feel good healthy things" as you said. Porn ended up being that pleasure that I've been seeking. That's why I kept relapsing. I kept thinking about that fucking pleasure.

Quote
If I could offer one more question: When there's an urge to watch porn, are there at least 3 things you enjoy doing that you can go to instead?
I could find 3 things but it's very hard to enjoy them because of my Internet addiction. I'm not try to find an excuse, just presenting the situation as it is. Of course, it's in my plan to quit my Internet addiction but I can't right now, and this also pisses me off because there is something that I don't have control over. I'm waiting to be hired, I've talked about this in my journal. This job will take a part of my day away and then if I did something else, I could stay away from Internet a lot. At least this is what I think.

Because of my Internet addiction, I couldn't really enjoy anything else because it feels "empty", I don't know how to say it. I mean, I could stop and do something else but I wouldn't enjoy it. It's like the only things that brings pleasure is Internet and porn. When I do anything else, I feel nothing. That's why I haven't done anything else, which has been detrimental  to my porn recovery. But maybe I'll try to push through and do those things. I don't know if I will really enjoy them, but for sure they could take away some hours for me.

I know that feeling when it seems porn or online stuff are the only fun things in our lives. Trust me it can slowly change!

I did NOT feel like exercising today, I was tired and unmotivated. Could have easily spent the day inside. But I went out and exercised despite not wanting to, and only afterwards do I feel like it was the right choice.

There's actually a huge connection between any exercise and mental functions. Going for a run releases natural 'feel good chemicals', I don't recall the terminology, but there's more credible studies on this now.

Have you got regular exercise in your week?

Hope I'm not stacking up too many questions, only wanting to help man, truth is I can't make it a week clean without some form of exercise.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 22, 2019, 04:48:06 AM
At the end of the day, lots of people report feeling more balanced after some time PMO free. But in recovering, we need a few feel-good things (that are healthy) to help us through.
Thanks for the reply.

I can see this now. And it's true. I haven't had rewarding or "feel good healthy things" as you said. Porn ended up being that pleasure that I've been seeking. That's why I kept relapsing. I kept thinking about that fucking pleasure.

Quote
If I could offer one more question: When there's an urge to watch porn, are there at least 3 things you enjoy doing that you can go to instead?
I could find 3 things but it's very hard to enjoy them because of my Internet addiction. I'm not try to find an excuse, just presenting the situation as it is. Of course, it's in my plan to quit my Internet addiction but I can't right now, and this also pisses me off because there is something that I don't have control over. I'm waiting to be hired, I've talked about this in my journal. This job will take a part of my day away and then if I did something else, I could stay away from Internet a lot. At least this is what I think.

Because of my Internet addiction, I couldn't really enjoy anything else because it feels "empty", I don't know how to say it. I mean, I could stop and do something else but I wouldn't enjoy it. It's like the only things that brings pleasure is Internet and porn. When I do anything else, I feel nothing. That's why I haven't done anything else, which has been detrimental  to my porn recovery. But maybe I'll try to push through and do those things. I don't know if I will really enjoy them, but for sure they could take away some hours for me.

I know that feeling when it seems porn or online stuff are the only fun things in our lives. Trust me it can slowly change!

I did NOT feel like exercising today, I was tired and unmotivated. Could have easily spent the day inside. But I went out and exercised despite not wanting to, and only afterwards do I feel like it was the right choice.

There's actually a huge connection between any exercise and mental functions. Going for a run releases natural 'feel good chemicals', I don't recall the terminology, but there's more credible studies on this now.

Have you got regular exercise in your week?

Hope I'm not stacking up too many questions, only wanting to help man, truth is I can't make it a week clean without some form of exercise.

I have to push through and do things even if I can't feel enjoyment. At least they take me away from Internet and Porn. And I also improve my skills like this. I could do them for skills for now, not for fun. It's in my plan to quit my Internet addiction and then the fun for those things should return. It will be a hard, long battle, I'm sure but it's unavoidable. Strong unhealthy pleasures ask for pain before they go away. I wish it was easier but it's not.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 22, 2019, 05:00:11 AM
Today it's 3 weeks without alcohol.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on January 22, 2019, 12:30:21 PM
This is great man. Good to hear that good news. keep it up.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 22, 2019, 04:03:54 PM
Paralyzed, nothing's getting through to me
Hypnotized from all my surroundings
I wanna be something I could never be
I wanna say things that I could never say

Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.

Dragged down, rubbing my face in the ground
No time for the undecided
I wanna know why I've always felt alone
And I wanna love, why am I untouchable?

Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life
I never wanted to be sick of my life
But I'm tired of everything in my life

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJ-Bt7Ix1-k
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on January 22, 2019, 04:29:22 PM
Relapse. Again. I've lost the count of binges this month. My slow brain couldn't keep up with it, anyway. It's like an old computer that you force to run a new game. I don't know, 4 binges or whatever. Who fucking cares anymore. Binges every 3 days, routine, schedule, like the training arriving in the train station. I'm at the lowest possible. I didn't realize how fucked up I was. How fucking long do I need until I realize how fucked up I am? I can't do this shit. I've no strength to do it. All of you, I don't want shit like "Man up", I don't give a fuck about that shit. Save your fingers energy. If you wanna say something, leave me alone with "get up" mambo jumbo. And no more therapies cause I have no fucking money.



Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on January 22, 2019, 04:53:25 PM
Very few addicts will beat addiction with sheer willpower. You're a slave to your own pain and as long as you don't resolve the underlying issues you're going to come back to this shit or something worse. There's a lot of pride involved with this whole idea of 'fighting' this addiction, counting days and what not. The more you focus on the problem the stronger it grips you. You got to have faith in something larger than your issue to overcome it. Staring it down isn't going to work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5sOh4gKPIg
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on January 22, 2019, 10:25:10 PM
Very few addicts will beat addiction with sheer willpower. You're a slave to your own pain and as long as you don't resolve the underlying issues you're going to come back

I don't know if it's helpful or not, but I really didn't make progress when I was just trying to stop using porn. When all I was trying to do was stop, then porn was still the only thing I was thinking about. I've only really started to make progress as I've tried to focus on doing better things and making my life better overall. I've been trying to eat better, exercise more, sleep more regularly, etc.--and all of that is part of my recovery.

The more I try to fight porn directly, the more it traps me. But when I try to fill my life with other better things, there isn't time in the day for porn. Do good things that bring you joy and actually take care of whatever pain is motivating your addiction. PMO is a symptom, not the whole disease.

Sorry to hear you relapsed, sorry to hear things are so messed up. Whatever you're feeling is real, and I don't want to diminish that. This stuff is hard--I knew I should quit for years before I actually tried to quit, and it's almost been a decade since I actually started trying. I'm doing a lot better now than back then, but it's still hard. At least for me, part of this recovery is learning how to live with urges and weakness and the possibility that they might never go away completely. I might struggle with this on some level for the rest of my life--and I'm just trying to learn how to live well with that possibility.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: imaquitter on January 23, 2019, 04:58:15 PM
Don't give up!
You are not alone. Don't leave all your friends here alone!
We miss you already!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: ChopperGuy on January 28, 2019, 10:14:06 PM
How you doin bro?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 04:54:43 PM
How you doin bro?

As you might tell, I disappeared for a while. I lost my mind, what can I say. I deleted my account and this one is new. I wanted to have a different username but people know me for this username and I didn't want to create confusion.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 05:03:50 PM
I've been away from alcohol for 35 days. I relapsed once, on January 24, because I was stupid to shop alone. Every time I went to the hypermarket, I bought myself something to drink, so it has become routine. I can't step into a hypermarket anymore without feeling the urge to buy alcohol. That's why I've been avoiding shopping alone. When I'll do it again, I'll do it accompanied by someone and I will tell them to keep me away from the alcohol section, even if it will mean picking me up and carrying me away from there (I'm not good at wrestling).
So, back to my 35 days of sobriety. Yes, I didn't reset the counter to day 0 on January 24 because it was only 1 day of drinking and 35 days without. I don't think the whole progress should be thrown out the window. I have 35 days without a sip of alcohol, the longest in years. Man, how much I wish I could say the same about P.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 05:05:41 PM
I don't know if it's helpful or not, but I really didn't make progress when I was just trying to stop using porn. When all I was trying to do was stop, then porn was still the only thing I was thinking about. I've only really started to make progress as I've tried to focus on doing better things and making my life better overall. I've been trying to eat better, exercise more, sleep more regularly, etc.--and all of that is part of my recovery.

The more I try to fight porn directly, the more it traps me. But when I try to fill my life with other better things, there isn't time in the day for porn. Do good things that bring you joy and actually take care of whatever pain is motivating your addiction. PMO is a symptom, not the whole disease.

Sorry to hear you relapsed, sorry to hear things are so messed up. Whatever you're feeling is real, and I don't want to diminish that. This stuff is hard--I knew I should quit for years before I actually tried to quit, and it's almost been a decade since I actually started trying. I'm doing a lot better now than back then, but it's still hard. At least for me, part of this recovery is learning how to live with urges and weakness and the possibility that they might never go away completely. I might struggle with this on some level for the rest of my life--and I'm just trying to learn how to live well with that possibility.

Thanks, man. You know, it will be very hard to learn how to live without this fucking obsession for pleasure.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 05:16:23 PM
The thirst for alcohol is closing in. I find myself suddenly thinking about drinking something.

How’d this go?

I too have been hitting the bottle a lot recently. It definitely ties in with my p urges. I’ve been thinking about cutting it out completely.

I have 35 days of alcohol sobriety today. The thirst for alcohol has been present. I find myself suddenly thinking about drinking something. Sometimes it's an impulsive urge. Alcohol doesn't help me at all because it raises anxiety and gives me stomach problems. It's been self-medication since high school, as well. I am just tired of self-medicating, I want to throw away all the things that are cope/medication/escapism/distractions and unhealthy pleasure. Of course, easier said than done. It's actually really fucking hard.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 05:22:41 PM
I just wish I knew a forum like this one but for Internet Addiction.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: K-Dot on February 05, 2019, 06:36:09 PM
I just wish I knew a forum like this one but for Internet Addiction.

Me too. But I think you can apply the similar analogy there as it's to the porn addiction. Ironically, forum for internet addiction would be on the internet
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 05, 2019, 07:41:09 PM


Me too. But I think you can apply the similar analogy there as it's to the porn addiction. Ironically, forum for internet addiction would be on the internet

Yeah, I guess it's true.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 05, 2019, 10:12:24 PM
Hey @changemylife, I'm sorry about everything messed up currently in your life.

Something that help me alot was taking some step back from everything numerical like when I was alone. That way I couldn't check anything because I had nothing. And meditation really help in getting past P flash back and the control of my thoughts. Before I was addicted to video games and internet too. I had to stop using these for a while, even now I still have to be careful.

Try to back off internet at least everytime your in the urges/cravings phase. That really helped me.

But stay with us and keep at it. It can be hard, but to have a real life it so much worth it!!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 05:50:08 AM
Hey @changemylife, I'm sorry about everything messed up currently in your life.

Something that help me alot was taking some step back from everything numerical like when I was alone. That way I couldn't check anything because I had nothing. And meditation really help in getting past P flash back and the control of my thoughts. Before I was addicted to video games and internet too. I had to stop using these for a while, even now I still have to be careful.

Try to back off internet at least everytime your in the urges/cravings phase. That really helped me.

But stay with us and keep at it. It can be hard, but to have a real life it so much worth it!!

Alright, man, thanks.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 07:48:01 AM
One thing I know: If you don't find reward in your life, you will be frustrated and look for it in unhealthy things like PMO, substances etc. because regular people don't like living without reward, in boredom,loneliness etc. And what's more frustrating is when you have your hands tied and can't start having a life and finding reward in normal things. This has been going on for years. I want to say that I shouldn't have left myself fall so low but this won't change my past. Anyway, I might be hired next month which I guess it's a good news. I've been told not to be obsessed about this new job as the ultimate solution for my laughable life but it is actually the only solution. It's when I could start having a life: Get a job, try to make some friends, leave home etc. Seriously, what else should a man do if not this? It will maybe be a hard and long process to reintegrate myself back to "normal life" but it's clear I have to succeed at this because the life that I have right now (no life) is unsatisfying, depressed, empty, lonely, you name it. That's why I keep looking for pleasure in PMO and Internet. I used to drink too. How should one be happy with this? If you are not happy with something, you have to change it because what do you actually lose when you are at the bottom? You can't fall lower unless you dig deeper, to make the hole bigger, which means continuing to live like this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 07:49:51 AM
And stop fucking edging.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rakses on February 06, 2019, 11:37:46 AM
Relapse. Again. I've lost the count of binges this month. My slow brain couldn't keep up with it, anyway. It's like an old computer that you force to run a new game. I don't know, 4 binges or whatever. Who fucking cares anymore. Binges every 3 days, routine, schedule, like the training arriving in the train station. I'm at the lowest possible. I didn't realize how fucked up I was. How fucking long do I need until I realize how fucked up I am? I can't do this shit. I've no strength to do it. All of you, I don't want shit like "Man up", I don't give a fuck about that shit. Save your fingers energy. If you wanna say something, leave me alone with "get up" mambo jumbo. And no more therapies cause I have no fucking money.

Some eastern guru said: If u have to do something that you don't want to do do it blissfully at least!
I had a period in my life when i went into the state of i don't care i let go i was not angry on myself that i relapse or PMO i just did it and cool, you know? I struggle now but with awareness that my life will be beautiful even if i PMO.
You are not fucked up, you are complete, you just don't see that
You are not fucked up, it is only that your brain is against you.
You are not your brain.
Theraphy is not efficient and certain tool to mentaly recover.
Spiritual growth IS like meditation and Yoga - start doing meditation called Isha Kryia for ex. on daily basis it will make you realize a lot of things - it sounds cheeky but it really helped me. :)
Happines, fufillment, peace is 100% internal thing. People don't belive that because they don't feel that but it's true. :) Nothing external won't make you a blissfull happy human beings. Millionaires commits suicides despite the fact they do not lack anything material.

Yoga, Meditation, NoPMO, Passion.

Life is a journey be forgiving for yourself, for your compulsions, for your good and bad. :) Peace men.

Meditation with introduction - put away your sceptical mind and just do it you will see goddammit  ::)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1tXLPvkKQo
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 11:46:49 AM
Thanks, Rakses.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 02:25:58 PM
It sucks when the fun is over. But then you think about it a little bit and you see that some types of fun don't last cause they are not what you need. This PMO bullshit definitely makes you feel like you haven't had enough, despise giving it your whole life. Fuck this shit.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 04:14:13 PM
You're 100% right man!! The worst part is that you're completely unaware of the fact you're screwing your brain until you've become a semi-zombify addict. You know when you're already in trouble.

The good point is that we found a place where we have support to get out of this! A place they don't tell you that it's "natural", because a freaking screen will never be natural!!

Though we will get out of this life trap and that will be a real accomplishment :)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 04:19:59 PM
You're 100% right man!! The worst part is that you're completely unaware of the fact you're screwing your brain until you've become a semi-zombify addict. You know when you're already in trouble.

The good point is that we found a place where we have support to get out of this! A place they don't tell you that it's "natural", because a freaking screen will never be natural!!

Though we will get out of this life trap and that will be a real accomplishment :)
Sure, man. We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to get better. Otherwise we would be fucking dead.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 04:23:45 PM
Though we will get out of this life trap and that will be a real accomplishment :)
THAT will REALLY be a Big Very Big Accomplishment for me. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's funny that if you told this to someone who has no idea, they would say "what's the big deal? Okay, you stopped watching porn, and? I stopped too."
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 04:37:43 PM
Though we will get out of this life trap and that will be a real accomplishment :)
THAT will REALLY be a Big Very Big Accomplishment for me. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's funny that if you told this to someone who has no idea, they would say "what's the big deal? Okay, you stopped watching porn, and? I stopped too."

Yeah, because they don't know that when it has become an addiction, the research show that it's almost like being on cocaine. When you're in that world of addiction It's sooo freaking hard. So only previous addict of some hard drug and us can understand what it is!!

They don't mean bad most of the time, but they're just ignorant. To us it will really be an accomplishment. It has been 2 years since I know about my addiction and since then I tried to quit. So It's really really hard. I getting alot better though. I pass from 2-6 time a day and even waking up at night to PMO to being able to stay of around 2 weeks off at a time regularly!

So it's possible. We got to stay on the boat and rock with it, get better, stronger at every step and eventually we'll reach the ground. Then we'll be able to build a house for our life to grow from it. Then we'll be free!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 05:24:21 PM
Yeah, because they don't know that when it has become an addiction, the research show that it's almost like being on cocaine. When you're in that world of addiction It's sooo freaking hard. So only previous addict of some hard drug and us can understand what it is!!

They don't mean bad most of the time, but they're just ignorant. To us it will really be an accomplishment. It has been 2 years since I know about my addiction and since then I tried to quit. So It's really really hard. I getting alot better though. I pass from 2-6 time a day and even waking up at night to PMO to being able to stay of around 2 weeks off at a time regularly!

So it's possible. We got to stay on the boat and rock with it, get better, stronger at every step and eventually we'll reach the ground. Then we'll be able to build a house for our life to grow from it. Then we'll be free!
You know, I see PMO addiction more like heroin. Because the O gives you that relaxed feeling, you know what I'm saying? Of course, after PMOing for decades, the feeling might not be as intense anymore (my case), but I guess we all remember our best PMO sessions. And my best PMO sessions felt like what people described with heroin. Like that relaxed, euphoric feeling and nothing matters anymore. Then you start looking for the same thing over and over again and no matter how much you PMO, you can't get it again.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 05:34:04 PM
My OCD is worse than ever. I've been thinking, in the last 10 years I got more obsessed with microbes, diseases and becoming sick. Things that I didn't worry about back then now freak me out.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 06:16:30 PM
I never knew the effect of heroin. I know the effect of PMO though. That's the biggest problem of PMO it's calming effect! We're all stressed out everywhere we go, almost everything we do! We need to learn to calm down instead of relying on PMO for that. It can be hard, but it's effect are not worth all the life destroying side-effect!!

I had microphobia when I was young. I manage, through hard work, to minimize it so much, but it took alot of time. I still get some negative feeling when I get some dust on my hand or anything related, but now it's barely perceivable.

You can get better with hard work! Be patient and indulgent with yourself, keep working and you'll crush all of these!!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 06:37:39 PM
I had microphobia when I was young. I manage, through hard work, to minimize it so much, but it took alot of time. I still get some negative feeling when I get some dust on my hand or anything related, but now it's barely perceivable.
I've had mild OCD since I was a kid. But back then it was a fear of losing the objects in my possession, that's why I would walk down the street and search in my pockets to see if I still have everything. I still do this. But, over the years, a fear of microbes and getting sick sneaked unnoticeable. Stuff that I didn't worry about, now it freaks me out. I've become overly protective and it's exhausting sometimes. Like I said, it's a milder form, I don't go completely crazy like The Aviator movie but sometimes it tires me out. And this OCD is not only related to this, it also has to do with a lot of obsessive thoughts I get that drive me nuts. And I check things 1000 times. I had a job where I had days when I couldn't control how much I verified what I'd done, to the point where I had to pretend I went to the toilet to take a break cause I was fried. Maybe all this fucking PMO made it worse. I am not denying the possibility. You see, I don't remember a time without masturbation, as I've been masturbating since I was 5. And since I was about 14, I don't remember a month without P.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 06:49:21 PM
Yeah, that could easily provoke brain impairement that made these mild version amplified! Messing up with dopamine that young. But you can recover.

My thoughts on that are that when you'll manage to reboot, they will either go back to milder stage or fade away completly. You really have to trust in yourself and keep going. The more you manage to keep PMO behing you and move forward, the more you'll recover overall in your life.

Your reboot will take, most probably, longer than mine, but you can do it. I'm sure that it will either get rid or mitigate all your problem, provide that you consciously work on these at the same time. Just to warn you though usually before getting better these things go worse during a reboot. But don't fall for it keep going and it will get better at some point!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 06, 2019, 06:56:58 PM
Yeah, that could easily provoke brain impairement that made these mild version amplified! Messing up with dopamine that young. But you can recover.

My thoughts on that are that when you'll manage to reboot, they will either go back to milder stage or fade away completly. You really have to trust in yourself and keep going. The more you manage to keep PMO behing you and move forward, the more you'll recover overall in your life.

Your reboot will take, most probably, longer than mine, but you can do it. I'm sure that it will either get rid or mitigate all your problem, provide that you consciously work on these at the same time. Just to warn you though usually before getting better these things go worse during a reboot. But don't fall for it keep going and it will get better at some point!

I don't deny that 23 years of dopamine have done horrible things to my brain. Maybe I am the way I am because of this. My "normal self" is something foreign to me right now. I will have to beat both of my addiction and see how I feel. I am aware that withdrawal can make things seem worse and it pushes you back to the "normal self" that you know but I'm starting not to be fooled that easily cause I read stuff.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 07:08:08 PM
The good thing is that when you'll have beaten both of you additions you'll know that you have a huge amount of strenght and willpower to have done so!

You can do it! The more you'll read and know about both your addictions, the more you'll progress in this process

Stay Strong!!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 06, 2019, 09:23:37 PM
It's good to have you back with us--welcome back
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 05:57:58 AM
It's good to have you back with us--welcome back
Thanks, man.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 07:48:27 AM
It sucks that you have to endure the pain in order to move on from the problem. It's like: "Okay, you had all this pleasure, now you need to get all this pain in order to reset back to normal." That's because some pleasures are harmful. And some people are obsessed with these pleasures cause they feel better than the healthy pleasures.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rakses on February 07, 2019, 07:54:57 AM
It sucks that you have to endure the pain in order to move on from the problem. It's like: "Okay, you had all this pleasure, now you need to get all this pain in order to reset back to normal." That's because some pleasures are harmful. And some people are obsessed with these pleasures cause they feel better than the healthy pleasures.

Yea it's like when there is no pleasantness inside you urge to seek for outside compulsive pleasures happens to you. It needs big awareness to stay away of all this destructive habits.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 08:27:54 AM
The ability to find our inner peace is within us but we have been educated by the world to think that we need external things in order to be "Happy". What's happiness? I think many people confuse it for "Pleasure". For me they have never been the same things cause "Pleasure" has never made me "Happy" on long term. Find pleasure in drinking? Porn? Sex? Food? Friendship, relationships, money etc. Do these really make you "Happy"? No, they just make you "Euphoric". The euphoria goes away after a while and you want more. It's a journey until we understand how to find our peace. Maybe we never find it if we don't look for it. Some people got lost. I want to see the day when I'm "calm" and confused no more.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 09:23:37 AM
If you don't challenge yourself, you don't grow.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 10:54:38 AM
If you don't challenge yourself, you don't grow.

Well said, that's totally true!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 01:26:28 PM
You have to leave your "Comfort zone". Because it's a "zone", like a "yard" where you stay without leaving it to experiment what's outside. That's how you have a limited existence. Talking about life in general.

Talking about addictions... The same thing. If you don't leave your "Comfort zone", you will never beat your addiction.

There is discomfort outside of your "Comfort zone", obviously, just look at the words: Comfort and discomfort. Where isn't comfort, there is discomfort. But discomfort becomes comfort through adaptation. People have the ability to adapt. But, for this, we need to get through some pain, we can't help it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 03:39:40 PM
I've realized that I have trouble regulating my anger. I didn't know what to blame so I started blaming my addictions. But I don't know what to believe anymore.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 03:41:57 PM
Actually both can be related! You can turn to your addictions to ease your anger or your addiction could cause that anger! You have to check it out
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 03:46:30 PM
Actually both can be related! You can turn to your addictions to ease your anger or your addiction could cause that anger! You have to check it out
Maybe my brain is so messed up and it causes me this trouble regulating my emotions. I mean, my ability to handle emotions is worse than it's ever been. I realized I ran away from some things because they triggered some emotions that caused discomfort.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 03:50:54 PM
My brain is so slow, like a computer that runs a game on 10 fps. Actually, I shouldn't use this comparison, as an Internet addict. Anyway, the words come out so hard that I struggle to express myself.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 03:55:07 PM
You need to give him a break of dopamine! That's good that you're here. Meditation helped me to get control of my emotion and knowing what I was feeling. Maybe a retreat could help you, far from anything in the wild. Only meditating and doing yoga!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 03:59:57 PM
You need to give him a break of dopamine! That's good that you're here. Meditation helped me to get control of my emotion and knowing what I was feeling. Maybe a retreat could help you, far from anything in the wild. Only meditating and doing yoga!
Ah well, retreating myself to the woods is not exactly something I could do. But it's something that sometimes I wish. That would definitely help me with Internet addiction. I have to take this into account as well, not just P addiction. I know this is a forum about the latter but I still have 2 addictions. Anyway, my brain is seriously fried. You know, I could only blame my addictions right now. Once I'm done with them, I could know what's the problem: Me or them. I started having problems handling emotions, you know. I didn't even realize first but then I saw myself avoiding certain things because those emotions were a big discomfort for me. This only made me more eager to deal with this. Because before I quit the addictions, I could never know if it's them causing the problems or my own problems.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 04:57:35 PM
You have to quit your addiction in order to start knowing yourself and what you will need to work on after these 2 are getting rid of!

You can do it though! Just continue in hard mode for as long as necessary!!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 05:02:57 PM
You have to quit your addiction in order to start knowing yourself and what you will need to work on after these 2 are getting rid of!

You can do it though! Just continue in hard mode for as long as necessary!!
I feel like hard mode is the only way to go for me. I couldn't do it differently.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 06:17:09 PM
Same for me. Since how I got to some extreme genres, I can't do anything else otherwise it won't work!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 07, 2019, 06:20:22 PM
Same for me. Since how I got to some extreme genres, I can't do anything else otherwise it won't work!
I mean, some people said they wanted to masturbate without porn. I couldn't do that.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 07, 2019, 07:28:57 PM
Yeah, for me and so many people it's big risk of relapse right there. Each time that I M without P I eventually relapsed....
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 07, 2019, 09:17:09 PM
This is a long hard road, but we just need to decide that we want it more than we want our addictions. You wouldn't be thinking about these changes if you didn't want it, and I think the trick is just going day by day, training yourself to want the right things. Better today than yesterday, and better tomorrow than today.

I also want to second the suggestion to try meditation. There are some studies that show it can actually reverse the kind of brain damage that addiction causes. I know it's been a valuable part of my recovery journey and has become a refreshing part of my routine.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 05:46:13 AM
I also want to second the suggestion to try meditation. There are some studies that show it can actually reverse the kind of brain damage that addiction causes. I know it's been a valuable part of my recovery journey and has become a refreshing part of my routine.
I don't really know how to do this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 06:10:25 AM
From day 3 on it's danger zone. It's when the desire for pleasure starts.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 08, 2019, 06:18:40 AM
Keep at it brother. You can do it.  :)
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 06:21:15 AM
Keep at it brother. You can do it.  :)
Thanks man. I have to be careful and for once, for Christ's sake, I must stop thinking about pleasure.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 08, 2019, 06:38:54 AM
I must stop thinking about pleasure.

A better idea would be to focus your thoughts and actions on something productive you would like to do. The days I have made myself a slave to my work are the days best spent of my life. These are usually my most productive days and I feel at peace.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 07:03:29 AM
A better idea would be to focus your thoughts and actions on something productive you would like to do. The days I have made myself a slave to my work are the days best spent of my life. These are usually my most productive days and I feel at peace.
It's true.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 08:33:44 AM
When you quit an addiction, you feel low. Your brain tells you that you need something to elevate yourself. This is how you could easily substitute the addiction for something else. It could be just something for comfort, like junk food. We need to be careful. We don't need other unhealthy things in our lives. Some people don't know how to handle their problems without medicating on addictions. Some people don't know how to find reward in healthy things. If we are in this situation, we need to train ourselves. I believe this is something that could be learned, with practice.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 09:30:22 AM
Like I said, Day 3 is the start of possible danger. Urges are present already. I wish they could start after more days than 3. And when the urges come, that voice whispers in my ear about the pleasure that I will experience if I begin edging. It's like my brain enjoys the edging more than the O itself.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 09:42:40 AM
It's also chasing that good high from back then when I had it. No matter how many times it fails, I keep looking for it. This is what keeps me in the vicious circle of relapsing once or twice a week.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rakses on February 08, 2019, 10:35:17 AM
I realized that emptiness is not a bad thing. When we lose our addictions what do we are left with? With nothing. Nothigness, emptiness. This is what we look for because when we are not full of ourselfs we can on the world itself. Otherwise we just sit in our own bullshit...
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 10:52:24 AM
Are you angry because of your addiction? The best remedy for anger is success.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 11:44:12 AM
I've said this and I'll say it again: Stop fucking edging. It's not just a little harmless pleasure. You fry the dopamine receptors, making you feel low and wanting for more. If you, somehow, manage to stop yourself from reaching O, you will feel terrible all day long. And you will manage to reinforce the damages done to the brain.

Say "No" to edging.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 11:46:01 AM
Do you have urges? Do they feel like a tank of energy? Don't waste it on PMO. Go outside for a run and try to make some dogs chase you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 12:53:36 PM
I've only known how to live my life medicating myself. PMO must not have started as medication but it became later. Then I started binge drinking in high school. And later, the Internet addiction, as distraction. It's time to learn how to "live". I've had chances to buy alcohol and I've refused. This is my 38th day sober. What has change? I have less anxiety, almost none of the stomach problems that I used to have, I don't say and do all the stupid things while drunk, the hard to endure hangovers are gone, I don't binge eat junk food while drunk (cause alcohol makes me hungry and as alcohol gives me that "I don't care" attitude, I eat too much junk food). I'll try to lose some weight cause I have the "beer belly" for sure. I loved beer. But if you calculate how many calories you drink with beer, your knees will weaken. Add the junk food that I mentioned above, do this a few times a week then don't bitch about the extra 22 pounds. Bottom line is: It's way better without alcohol, it's way better without your self-medication of choice. When you feel you can't finish your day without medicating, you can, you just need to train yourself. Can you run a marathon after 1 day of running? You are not able to even run 2 miles. But with training, you do everything.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 01:05:59 PM
I had some impulses to edge but I didn't do anything. Maybe just "waiting" is what I need.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 08, 2019, 01:19:22 PM
That's good man, keep going! You know you can beat this addiction and the other ones too!!

You just have to keep pushing forward!! Stay Strong, my friend!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 01:23:47 PM
That's good man, keep going! You know you can beat this addiction and the other ones too!!

You just have to keep pushing forward!! Stay Strong, my friend!

>-(^_^)-<
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 01:33:02 PM
The problem with addictions is that the drug of choice never feels enough. It's an endless thirst that you think you could satisfy with a little more. There is so much substances you can take, though, until you kill yourself, but when it comes to P, you jerk off until you fry yourself completely like a chicken and it's still not enough. I've reached the point where the only thing that stopped me from doing one more PMO session was that I couldn't get it up anymore. I had drained myself so much that I couldn't feel any arousal at all. I was completely empty. And you know what? My brain kept asking for more. It wasn't enough.

_I_ (x_x) _I_   ----> Middle finger for PMO.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 01:41:10 PM
Drug overdose has scared some people into getting sober. But there is no overdose in my PMO addiction. I am single so ED doesn't have the chance to scare me. So what should scare me? Thank God for the science. After reading what it does to the brain, it was enough. If it hadn't been for this, I would probably have never tried to quit.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 01:50:23 PM
This fucking brain has a sneaky, convincing way to make me feel like binge drinking just one day will not send me back to my alcoholic routine. No shit!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 02:15:58 PM
You know you've done all the things you are embarrassed about yet you will go back to your drug of choice. This fucking brain is against us sometimes, with its fucking connections, pathways and whatever they are called.

My brain wants me to drink again but all it comes to my mind now is the period when I was at my worst with alcohol bingeing. My dad didn't like how my drinking had escalated but I sneaked to the store, bought a 1 liter beer bottle, went to bridge, hide myself in the weeds, gulped down and ranted angrily out loud. Some kids saw me hanging around the bridge, probably they were thinking: "Isn't this guy a little weird?"

I started drinking there after my dad came to pick me up, one day, from the front of the store where I sat on a bench, next to a group of drunk old men. We were there like a "drinking gallery" in the same way junkies have "shooting galleries", of course not in plain sight like this. My dad told me: "I don't want to see you again drinking there with those old men! What the fuck is wrong with you?" What was wrong with me? I didn't know how to handle my problems without alcohol, PMO and Internet. I drank until I couldn't get up anymore from the bench. I couldn't even keep my head high. I would sit there, with my head down, waiting to sober up a little bit. I heard someone saying: "Hey, are you sick?" and I thought he asked me but I couldn't move my head to check out. Fortunately, this happened on the days when my dad didn't see me.

I got super drunk one day, I downloaded some pictures from Google Images, with slit wrists, blood, knives or blades, uploaded them on Facebook and talked about killing myself. I've repeated this two more times. Anytime I sobered up, I freaked out so bad that I couldn't open the Facebook to delete the pictures cause I was afraid what the people in my friends list had to say about it. And after all this, my brain still makes me feel that it's okay to drink.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: BlueHeronFan on February 08, 2019, 08:31:56 PM
On meditation, there are lots of resources online and a few good apps, most of which have good functionality for free. I've really liked using Insight Timer--if you have access to iOS or Android apps--but there are lots of options out there
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rakses on February 09, 2019, 03:51:27 AM
Alcohol is as bad as PMO - it manipulates your perception of life, make you dull, takes the life away from you. In the morning after drinking all night you go and urine your own brain.
I am clean for 2 years and i have to tell you i am terrified of the idea of being drunk of getting into this state of incapability... of not being aware of my body to do not have full control over my body and brain. I know people who turn soooo ugly when drinking.

Look, you seek for such a addiction because somewhere the way you experience life is not good enough...
Alcohol turns out your ugliness for a moment but then you come back... with hangover, same problems and even more confusion....

Stay strong! I don't miss alcohol at all after all this years - you can do it!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 04:10:30 AM
Alcohol is as bad as PMO - it manipulates your perception of life, make you dull, takes the life away from you. In the morning after drinking all night you go and urine your own brain.
I am clean for 2 years and i have to tell you i am terrified of the idea of being drunk of getting into this state of incapability... of not being aware of my body to do not have full control over my body and brain. I know people who turn soooo ugly when drinking.

Look, you seek for such a addiction because somewhere the way you experience life is not good enough...
Alcohol turns out your ugliness for a moment but then you come back... with hangover, same problems and even more confusion....

Stay strong! I don't miss alcohol at all after all this years - you can do it!
Yeah man, of course.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 06:30:15 AM
On meditation, there are lots of resources online and a few good apps, most of which have good functionality for free. I've really liked using Insight Timer--if you have access to iOS or Android apps--but there are lots of options out there
I don't fuck around with phones. I need something for my computer.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 11:51:03 AM
I am going to put the pistol to my head... and shoot the porn.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 11:57:19 AM
You don't kill yourself over the problem. You kill the problem.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 09, 2019, 03:35:54 PM
"Many of these same emotional states (anxiety, shame, shock, surprise) not only elevate dopamine, but each can also boost stress hormones & neurotransmitters (norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol). These stress neurochemicals increase excitement while amplifying dopamine’s already powerful effects. Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm."

- YBOP
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 10, 2019, 10:31:57 AM
Day 5. I've lost the ability to get aroused.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 10, 2019, 10:36:37 AM
Philip K. Dick said: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Waking up to reality has been the most painful but, at the same time, the best thing that has happened to me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 10, 2019, 12:56:40 PM
The "pleasure side" of the brain stresses me out like a spoiled kid stresses his mommy for a candy, but the "able part" of it can't keep up with it. I feel completely asexual for all the stimulating material out there. And this is how frustration is created. It's "I want" vs "I can't do it". And in the middle stands "I want to be free".

Times are changing. During my last binge (a week ago?) I wanted to PMO for the 5th time but I couldn't get it up. I turned on the P and I jerked a limp dick for like 10 minutes, struggling to gather the last energy in me in order to finally have a weak O. As I counted the PMO sessions, I said to myself: "I could always PMO 7 times a day but now I'm starting to lose the ability. And if this is so weak, why the fuck do I keep doing it?" Because that fucking "pleasure side" kept bitching: "More pleasure! More pleasure!"  And I was screaming: "I can't get any more fucking pleasure! Leave me alone! Actually, leave me alone for life!"

For years, I've been obsessed with "The greatest pleasure I could get". The conditions had to be perfect, the urges had to be super intense and the arousal accordingly. If I PMOed with weak arousal, the O was weak and the depression and frustration shot through the roof. The "pleasure side" of my brain screams at me to give it pleasure and I can't because the conditions are not perfect. At the same time, I want to quit for life. I'm lost. I should feel happy for wanting to quit yet I feel super frustrated.


Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 10, 2019, 01:15:18 PM
I've been a pleasure seeker all my life. I started MO when I was 5 years old. There is something wrong with my brain. There is a battle inside me between: "Fuck it, let's PMO, let's drink, let's take drugs, let's get all the pleasure!" and "No, you can't do that! Think about how bad this is! This about what alcohol was for you, think about what PMO has done to you!" Think about this, think about that. I'm going crazy. I'm tired. I'm burned out.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Ashu001 on February 10, 2019, 07:49:54 PM
Calm the fuck man. Relax yourself a little. Don’t try to do so much at the Same time
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 10, 2019, 11:24:35 PM
Yeah, there are only three things you should focus on.

1. Don't peek. If you don't peek, you won't relapse.
2. Don't do any drugs which lead you to relapses.
3. Be kind to yourself and fill your days with activities away from the computer. Take strolls, be in nature, surround yourself with kind people, maybe spend quality time with your parents (even though you have difficult relationships.

I'm rooting for you, change, seeing you succeed would make me very happy!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 04:05:43 AM
Yeah, there are only three things you should focus on.

1. Don't peek. If you don't peek, you won't relapse.
2. Don't do any drugs which lead you to relapses.
3. Be kind to yourself and fill your days with activities away from the computer. Take strolls, be in nature, surround yourself with kind people, maybe spend quality time with your parents (even though you have difficult relationships.

I'm rooting for you, change, seeing you succeed would make me very happy!
Thanks, man. I appreciate your constant support.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on February 11, 2019, 07:13:46 AM
There is something wrong with my brain. There is a battle inside me between: "Fuck it, let's PMO, let's drink, let's take drugs, let's get all the pleasure!" and "No, you can't do that! Think about how bad this is! This about what alcohol was for you, think about what PMO has done to you!" Think about this, think about that. I'm going crazy. I'm tired. I'm burned out.

At this point I wouldn't put too much trust in the mind. Consult your heart to why you have this battle going on.
Mentally you need lots of rest. Less is more in this case. Limited mental stimulation, a clean and tranquil environment without unnecessary distraction.
The very mind that is conflicted will lead you to take the drugs that sedate your mind, to not have to experience the conflict. Logically it follows the solution is to be found somewhere else than the '(brain)mind.'
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rakses on February 11, 2019, 09:47:49 AM
Your brain is frustrated, your brain want pleasure, your brain is sad, weak etc. Not you, remember that.
Neruroplasticity has shaped your brain that way to shift it into healthy habits will cause a lot of turmoil inside your being.

Brain wants pleasure and talk shit - your brain is against you

You like you want to be free, liberated, happy and other things this is true side of yourself. Don't let it dissapear in darkness. :)

Hold on boi
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 10:02:18 AM
At this point I wouldn't put too much trust in the mind. Consult your heart to why you have this battle going on.
Mentally you need lots of rest. Less is more in this case. Limited mental stimulation, a clean and tranquil environment without unnecessary distraction.
The very mind that is conflicted will lead you to take the drugs that sedate your mind, to not have to experience the conflict. Logically it follows the solution is to be found somewhere else than the '(brain)mind.'
I wasn't talking about "now", I was talking about when I was 5 years old.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 10:05:48 AM
Your brain is frustrated, your brain want pleasure, your brain is sad, weak etc. Not you, remember that.
Neruroplasticity has shaped your brain that way to shift it into healthy habits will cause a lot of turmoil inside your being.

Brain wants pleasure and talk shit - your brain is against you

You like you want to be free, liberated, happy and other things this is true side of yourself. Don't let it dissapear in darkness. :)

Hold on boi
I know all that but it's more complicated than this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 10:19:30 AM
Stop fucking around. You've got something to do.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 11:23:36 AM
You will encounter the withdrawal. It sucks. The brain makes you believe that PMO will stop the withdrawal, which is true. But then you will encounter the withdrawal again. You cannot escape it. The truth is, you will have to go through it all the way if you want to quit your addiction. And you know you want to quit. It's inevitable. I wish it was easier but it's not. Cold turkey, there is no other way.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 01:04:13 PM
I binged all day...  :(
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 11, 2019, 01:26:37 PM
It's just a bump. I had one 2 days ago! I didn't binged, just a one time, but still. Get back on track and keep going man! Don't let P get the better of you.

You trip on one day, you'll destroy the next one by cleaness!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 11, 2019, 01:27:47 PM
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 01:40:54 PM
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?
You're speaking Chinese right now.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 01:51:53 PM
It's just a bump. I had one 2 days ago! I didn't binged, just a one time, but still. Get back on track and keep going man! Don't let P get the better of you.

You trip on one day, you'll destroy the next one by cleaness!
It wasn't even fun. It's the brain crying for pleasure.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 02:06:29 PM
I cannot give up pleasure.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 03:27:39 PM
I edged for 3 days before finally fully relapsing. I binged all day and it wasn't even fun. I could not turn myself, even with a gun to my head. I felt completely asexual, empty, but I was desperate for pleasure. I edged all day long, trying to activate myself and nothing.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 04:53:36 PM
Giving up pleasure feels completely sad.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 05:44:27 PM
I cannot even resume myself to once. I binge all day.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 06:08:58 PM
Despise the 3 days of edging, and frustration at not being able to turn myself on at all, plus the binge today, I am surprisingly calm. I should've been fucked up.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 11, 2019, 06:12:19 PM
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?
You're speaking Chinese right now.

Nah, I'm pretty sure it's English, bro :)

https://support.opendns.com/hc/en-us/sections/206253627

Set it up, lose the password, see where it takes you. You probably totally go nuts (pun intended).

Despise the 3 days of edging, and frustration at not being able to turn myself on at all, plus the binge today, I am surprisingly calm. I should've been fucked up.

No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 06:13:14 PM
On February 10 I should've said that I had 40 days of alcohol sobriety. I forgot about it because, guess what, I don't think about alcohol all the time. If I could do the same with P, it would be great. Today is my 42nd day without hitting the bottle and cans. Man, if I had 42 days without P... Damn. Maybe I am just too obsessed with quitting P and I keep it all the time in my mind.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 06:17:53 PM
Nah, I'm pretty sure it's English, bro :)

https://support.opendns.com/hc/en-us/sections/206253627

Set it up, lose the password, see where it takes you. You probably totally go nuts (pun intended).
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.

Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.

It's never the case for me but I don't know why today.


Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 11, 2019, 06:24:26 PM
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.
Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.


That's why you ban porn from your router. Or do you have an unlimitied mobile plan? I'm pretty sure, you are using wlan on your phone right?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 11, 2019, 06:57:01 PM
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.
Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.


That's why you ban porn from your router. Or do you have an unlimitied mobile plan? I'm pretty sure, you are using wlan on your phone right?
We are not from the same countries. I don't know what you are talking about.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 01:17:29 AM
Do you have unlimited internet access from your phone, or are you using your phone being connected to wlan on your router to view P? If it's the latter, you should set up openDNS. If it's not, you should get a cellphone contract which prevents you from having unlimited access to P. It doesn't matter if you are from Timbuktu or from North America, the outcome is the same.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 05:50:05 AM
Do you have unlimited internet access from your phone, or are you using your phone being connected to wlan on your router to view P? If it's the latter, you should set up openDNS. If it's not, you should get a cellphone contract which prevents you from having unlimited access to P. It doesn't matter if you are from Timbuktu or from North America, the outcome is the same.
Are you asking me if I use some wireless Internet on my phone? I don't. It's the Internet from the company. I have a number of GB a month but I forgot exactly how many because I don't use my Internet on my phone, only to binge P. I should fucking cancel it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 06:23:30 AM
I am doing this the wrong way. Like this I will get nowhere. I have to recalculate everything.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 12, 2019, 06:44:22 AM
it's never too late to take the right turn on your journey.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 06:55:21 AM
it's never too late to take the right turn on your journey.
I really need to find out how to do it because all the relapsing until now shows otherwise.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 12, 2019, 07:02:19 AM
I would really like to suggest getting away from P in all the forms. Make it impossible for yourself to access P in any way and since you have talked about your internet addiction, limit your online time to a minimum too. When you'll be staying away from the sources you are bound to have some free time which was previously occupied. Fill this with something you would like to do, something which is productive. Try giving it a shot. We all are in this together, and I really want to see you succeed.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 07:08:06 AM
I would really like to suggest getting away from P in all the forms. Make it impossible for yourself to access P in any way and since you have talked about your internet addiction, limit your online time to a minimum too. When you'll be staying away from the sources you are bound to have some free time which was previously occupied. Fill this with something you would like to do, something which is productive. Try giving it a shot. We all are in this together, and I really want to see you succeed.

That's exactly what I was saying. If you solely relapse on your phone, either block P from it or get a brick phone. That's why I was also recommending openDNS. I haven't used it myself, but from what I've heard, it's super f*cking hard to access porn websites while having openDNS on your router. I think you are at a point in your life, where you can't effectively fight back the urges. That's why you relapse all the time. So you should focus on ways to either block all P content on your internet devices or limit internet access at all. I'm no expert in this field, for me willpower and resolve are enough at the moment, but let me be very clear: If I was to relapse one more time, I will put my money where my mouth is and get a brick phone + openDNS on my router. "Now or never", right?

Take care, change!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 07:30:15 AM
That's exactly what I was saying. If you solely relapse on your phone, either block P from it or get a brick phone.
I've been thinking about this but I think I am not 100% ready. A part of me wants to quit porn but the other part of me wants the pleasure. And this is how you live in denial, saying you are the best blocker, you don't need blocking tools.

Quote
I think you are at a point in your life, where you can't effectively fight back the urges. That's why you relapse all the time.
To be honest, it's not the urges I can't fight back, but the desire for pleasure. When urges start, I could go on but the desire, the obsession for pleasure takes over and I believe that those urges will bring an amazing "high". THIS is why I relapse, when urges are present, which leads to the next paragraph:

Sometimes I have no urges and I can't turn myself on no matter what. This time was the case. I edged desperately for 3 days, trying to turn myself on for the "high". I kept jerking off and watching P impulsively with no success in arousal. I finally relapsed with a weak O and despaired.

It's not only when I have urges. It's just this fucking desire for pleasure. I try to do anything, I edge all day trying to turn myself on. I refuse to come when I am not super aroused, because it is a weak "high". So I keep jerking off, I keep watching P, I try to find something even more stimulating, desperately trying to get the best arousal for the best "high". Finally, out of frustration and lack of patience, I finish, the O is weak and I go crazy. The story of my last years.

Sometime after high school, during attempts to quit masturbation (I didn't know P was an addiction, I only thought I was addicted to masturbation), I noticed that waiting for a few days built up urges that I could exploit for an intense "high". And I started doing this. But then I began having periods when I couldn't turn myself on no matter how much P I watched and it was very frustrating, like being completely starved but given only water.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 07:57:47 AM
Porn is your security blanket. Whenever you feel discomfort or feel empty, you turn to your good ol' pal. I know this too well. But as others and I stated, you need to take responsibility and battle this demon, that's sucking the life out of you. I know, because it's the same for me, if you don't overcome your porn addiction, you will never be able to succeed whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

I was wondering about one thing. You said, you live with your parents. Are they aware, of what you are doing? Like, how can you easily binge for three days straight without them noticing? Or do they notice and you just don't care anymore?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 08:06:48 AM
Porn is your security blanket. Whenever you feel discomfort or feel empty, you turn to your good ol' pal. I know this too well. But as others and I stated, you need to take responsibility and battle this demon, that's sucking the life out of you. I know, because it's the same for me, if you don't overcome your porn addiction, you will never be able to succeed whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

With time, any addiction becomes self-medication but P addiction is my only source of pleasure, before being a self-medication. If it was a self-medication only, I would've done it everyday. I only do it strategically, when I could experience a great "high" for pleasure. It didn't work the last couple of times and I went crazy.

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I was wondering about one thing. You said, you live with your parents. Are they aware, of what you are doing? Like, how can you easily binge for three days straight without them noticing? Or do they notice and you just don't care anymore?
Yeah, it's pathetic to live with my parents but I've allowed myself to be a genuine junkie. I think some addicts end up desiring to spend their time with their addiction rather than going to work, finding a place to stay etc. This could be said about my Internet addiction. Deep down inside I didn't want to work, I just wanted to stay home with my computer. Maybe a mistake done by my parents to allow me this. And I guess addiction take away your drive for doing all this anyway, especially when it comes to P addiction that sucks the life out of you, and also when it comes to Internet addiction that keeps you connected to the computer cause outside you feel the psychological withdrawal. It's complicated. I could talk about this forever.

About bingeing with my parents around: They are not always around. They go to work, I stay home all day. Also, I live upstairs, I have my own bathroom, my own room. I don't think they know about my P.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 10:29:10 AM
P addiction is my only source of pleasure, before being a self-medication. 

You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.

Yeah, it's pathetic to live with my parents but I've allowed myself to be a genuine junkie. I think some addicts end up desiring to spend their time with their addiction rather than going to work, finding a place to stay etc. This could be said about my Internet addiction. Deep down inside I didn't want to work, I just wanted to stay home with my computer. Maybe a mistake done by my parents to allow me this. And I guess addiction take away your drive for doing all this anyway, especially when it comes to P addiction that sucks the life out of you, and also when it comes to Internet addiction that keeps you connected to the computer cause outside you feel the psychological withdrawal. It's complicated. I could talk about this forever.

About bingeing with my parents around: They are not always around. They go to work, I stay home all day. Also, I live upstairs, I have my own bathroom, my own room. I don't think they know about my P.

Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.

As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more. What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...

Even though, you have a cold relationship with them at the moment, that doesn't mean that that couldn't change. If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and then decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.

A lot to digest, I know. But we are all here to help you (and also to challenge you). I said it before but weirdly it's the truth, I would be super happy, if you made some improvements and walk the road to get better. Honestly, I can't explain it rationally but I think, I see so much of myself in you that it automatically makes me care a lot. If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.

Take care, change, and don't you ever give up. It's all love!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on February 12, 2019, 10:53:50 AM
For many times I have also spent hours in my room with my parents around. the shit is that the feeling of when we're in P. hours sessions is simply "I do not care." It's a fucking feeling that makes us miserable.

What I have to say is that without blockers it would be very difficult for me to stay for a long period without porn.

On the phone there is an app called BlockSite that has helped me a lot.

On the computer I installed blocker in the browser and uninstalled the other browsers. I imagine there are other ways of locks like this one 'DNS' that I've only heard of earlier.

Take a test for 1 day or a week with blockers. If you've tried it once and it did not work. Try again. Beware of the thought "I'm not prepared". We're 28 already and time is flying as we all know.

I do not remember who gave the suggestion of looking at the journals of those who are in the 30/40 range as a way of seeing how porn and bad habits effects us in even longer periods.. But seems to be a good exercise/alert.

Take care!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 11:26:07 AM
Wow, man, you really wrote! I have to break it down because it covers more ideas.

Quote
You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.
I've done this already. I know what I want to do, I know what I would enjoy but, like I've said many times, my Internet addiction makes everything else seem completely empty. This is not trying to find excuses, just presenting the situation as it is. I would do other things but feel nothing. This is how Internet addiction makes you be. For those who are not addicted to Internet or Online Video Games, it's maybe harder to understand why someone doesn't want to do anything else, better said - can't do anything else (I'm not talking about you here, just in general). It's complicated and until I get rid of my Internet addiction, I can't really enjoy something else. It's a vicious circle that keeps me abandoning other activities to come back to the computer. I dare to say my Internet addiction is even harder than my P addiction. I mean, I know it is harder than my P addiction. Until I figure out a way to quit my Internet addiction, I'm afraid I have my hands tied when it comes to "taking time away from computer, doing something that you enjoy etc."

Quote
Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.
Yes, of course, you understand this well. I should be somewhere by now, I am 28 years old. Somehow, I ended up in this mess. I lived in isolation and loneliness for about 6 years in which I only had 2 jobs worth of 5 months total. It wasn't something I chose consciously, it was more like being more into my addictions than real life (as it happens to many addicts), I didn't pay attention and then all of a sudden I realized. There is a post in my journal saying something like: "Waking up to reality has been the most painful but the best thing that has happened to me." It's true. I woke up to reality and I realized I had no life. It took longer than it probably should.

Quote
As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more.
This bewilders me because I don't remember saying this. Maybe a misunderstanding has been created along the way. I don't have a difficult relationship with my parents. We are alright. But they are not the people "I live my life with" if you know what I mean. They are not my friends and they are not my girlfriend. They are introvert people who don't show their emotions and don't talk about their problems. We sometimes do things together but not very much. They are 60 years old and feel old. When they come from work (yeah they still work but it won't be for long, couple more years) they want to rest. It's not like I do with them what I would do with my friends, hence what I said in the quote above: Isolation and loneliness. It feels like this without friends and/or a gf in my life right now. I mean, isolation from society. Loneliness as in "I don't have anybody to do something I really enjoy with" (forget about the Internet addiction for a second while reading this. Take it like - If I wasn't addicted).

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What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...
That's right, this is super scary. You have to understand that my parents are not the type who do this. I was not raised to do this either. It doesn't come naturally in me. But I understand what you mean. As I opened up on this forum and for the first time in my life I'm telling people how I feel, it should be normal to do this with my parents. But... Yeah, it's really hard because it's face to face. You don't see me now but being watched by someone while opening up is fucking scary. I don't know, I can't guarantee I will just walk up to them today and do it.
P.S: You should never bet one of your nuts.

Quote
If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and than decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.
That's right. I've been unemployed all my life (minus 5 months) so I have no money for therapy. And this therapy, in my country, is not something you do with insurance. It's super expensive too. Just one session a week is a lot. My parents are not really rich. In order to build this 2 story house we've been through a lot. Starting with the location - The city is not close and here the land was cheaper but a lot of money for our salaries nevertheless. We build the house with cheaper materials and during 5 years or so, little by little with a lot of loans that my parents are still paining back. I don't want to say that we really have no money for therapy but it will mean a lot of money and I don't want to ask my parents for this. They pain loans and the house is still not finish, my dad wants to buy some materials to finish it etc. I want to wait until I get hired and then use my own money for therapy. As I said that I have no life, I want to get myself a life first. I want to start this job, go back to society, see what I can do. Maybe if nothing works, I would go to therapy but given the fact that I find someone good. I don't think there is therapy for P addiction where I live. I'm not sure about Internet addiction. I've seen some therapy for anxiety/depression stuff like that. I don't know. I haven't investigated completely so I don't want to talk about it like this. I will investigate of course.

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If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.
I know what you mean and this is true. I lost my last friend 6 years ago and since then I couldn't make others as I was always unemployed. I have to correct you: I'm dealing with 2 hard addictions, not just one. And yeah, I'm pretty broken. I've never had many friends and the few I had always abandoned me. I didn't know why but now I think I know. Anyway, my relationship with friendship started being toxic at the end of high school and it caused me a lot of discomfort until 2 years ago when I calmed myself down a little bit. Talking about my relationship with friendship would require another book so I don't think I could do it right now.

Anyway, Pete, thanks for your constant support, man. Honestly, I really really appreciate how you want to help a total stranger who means nothing to you. You've helped me more than all the friends I had in my life who didn't give a fuck about me. And don't make your messages shorter. It doesn't matter if they are long because sometimes you have to write a lot to convey your message.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on February 12, 2019, 11:56:28 AM
This talk of you and Pete made my day and brings a lot of hope. Tks for that  :)

If you do not mind sharing ... what country do you live in?

I must add also that you seems to have great talent for writing. And I know a lot of people who used writing as therapy and did very well. Maybe it's something you can invest this year in some way or just think about.

How are the job searches? I'm also in that same boat and I hope to get jobs or freelancers jobs as fast as possible...
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 12:03:16 PM
This talk of you and Pete made my day and brings a lot of hope. Tks for that  :)

If you do not mind sharing ... what country do you live in?

I must add also that you seems to have great talent for writing. And I know a lot of people who used writing as therapy and did very well. Maybe it's something you can invest this year in some way or just think about.

How are the job searches? I'm also in that same boat and I hope to get jobs or freelancers jobs as fast as possible...
This is what I'm doing with the writing, actually. It's like a therapy. Getting things out of my chest. When people write in my journal, I like to reply. It's something that I look forward too and I like it when the texts are long cause I have to write more too for the answers. I have a job already. I've been told I could get hired next month.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on February 12, 2019, 01:54:03 PM
That's great! Congratulations!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 02:26:52 PM
That's great! Congratulations!
Thanks bro
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 03:05:53 PM
Wow, man, you really wrote! I have to break it down because it covers more ideas.

Quote
You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.
I've done this already. I know what I want to do, I know what I would enjoy but, like I've said many times, my Internet addiction makes everything else seem completely empty. This is not trying to find excuses, just presenting the situation as it is. I would do other things but feel nothing. This is how Internet addiction makes you be. For those who are not addicted to Internet or Online Video Games, it's maybe harder to understand why someone doesn't want to do anything else, better said - can't do anything else (I'm not talking about you here, just in general). It's complicated and until I get rid of my Internet addiction, I can't really enjoy something else. It's a vicious circle that keeps me abandoning other activities to come back to the computer. I dare to say my Internet addiction is even harder than my P addiction. I mean, I know it is harder than my P addiction. Until I figure out a way to quit my Internet addiction, I'm afraid I have my hands tied when it comes to "taking time away from computer, doing something that you enjoy etc."

I'm curious, what are the things you wanna do and would enjoy? Just a hint, rome wasn't build in one day. You usually start things doing small steps and build from there. Momentum (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8K7ifs2Db4) baby (Please watch the video, it can be applied to everything)! Consistency over intensity!

Quote
Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.
Yes, of course, you understand this well. I should be somewhere by now, I am 28 years old. Somehow, I ended up in this mess. I lived in isolation and loneliness for about 6 years in which I only had 2 jobs worth of 5 months total. It wasn't something I chose consciously, it was more like being more into my addictions than real life (as it happens to many addicts), I didn't pay attention and then all of a sudden I realized. There is a post in my journal saying something like: "Waking up to reality has been the most painful but the best thing that has happened to me." It's true. I woke up to reality and I realized I had no life. It took longer than it probably should.

Quote
As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more.
This bewilders me because I don't remember saying this. Maybe a misunderstanding has been created along the way. I don't have a difficult relationship with my parents. We are alright. But they are not the people "I live my life with" if you know what I mean. They are not my friends and they are not my girlfriend. They are introvert people who don't show their emotions and don't talk about their problems. We sometimes do things together but not very much. They are 60 years old and feel old. When they come from work (yeah they still work but it won't be for long, couple more years) they want to rest. It's not like I do with them what I would do with my friends, hence what I said in the quote above: Isolation and loneliness. It feels like this without friends and/or a gf in my life right now. I mean, isolation from society. Loneliness as in "I don't have anybody to do something I really enjoy with" (forget about the Internet addiction for a second while reading this. Take it like - If I wasn't addicted).

Quote
What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...
That's right, this is super scary. You have to understand that my parents are not the type who do this. I was not raised to do this either. It doesn't come naturally in me. But I understand what you mean. As I opened up on this forum and for the first time in my life I'm telling people how I feel, it should be normal to do this with my parents. But... Yeah, it's really hard because it's face to face. You don't see me now but being watched by someone while opening up is fucking scary. I don't know, I can't guarantee I will just walk up to them today and do it.
P.S: You should never bet one of your nuts.


Still putting my hairy testicle on the line ;). You know, my parents aren't these people either. But after seeing my therapist and being encouraged by her, I just decided, I will tell my parents about it, I will tell my sister and her husband about it, I will tell three of my close friends about it (my best friend already knows) and most importantly, I will tell my little brother (25 yo) about it. Because I suspect he is a PMO addict himself. He is good looking, intelligent, tall but somehow never had a gf. Sounds familiar?! With the knowledge I gathered over the years, it would be very irresponsible not to share it with him. I want to prevent the shit that happened to me over the years to him.

Back to the parents and about being open. You can only gain from being open to them. What is the worst case scenario that can happen? Would they disinherit you? Very unlikely, you are their only child. Would they kick you outta the house? Don't think so. Would they hate you for it? Very, very unlikely, they had to be cruel people to do that and they don't sound like it. Will it be embarrassing for you? Yes, but what's the harm? Will it be confusing for them? Yes, but you will be prepared and explain shit to them. How will they react or feel in the end? If they have a picogram of empathy in them, they will feel for you, they will want to help you as much as they can and they will most likely respect you for being honest, because it takes a fuck ton of balls to do what I'm suggesting you to do.

Let's be realistic, you are in desperate need of every help you can get. It's ok, it's human, anybody can end up in your situation. You need to make some real life allies. And who are possible allies if not your parents? The people who literally made you, the people who spent a large amount of time, energy and money to raise you as best as they can. Are you really suggesting, that something bad would happen, if you told them? It would be very, very foolish of them. You don't spend your life building something only to crush it down if it ends up having a few FIXABLE flaws.

I can't guarantee you shit. I might be very wrong. They may react in a cruel way, I don't know, you are the expert here. In the end you have to decide. I can only challenge you to think outside the box. But even if they react negatively in whatever way, it won't kill you and you will be a lot smarter in the end. It will make you grow. And you know what's the best of it? You are carrying a lot of, and by a lot I mean planet-sized, weight, shame, and surpressed feelings on your shoulders. By being honest, you will feel relieved. You will step out of the shadows and that alone feels very very liberating. When I confided to my best friend 10 years ago, I didn't know of PIED. I just knew that my dick didn't work and it threw me into an existential crisis. I even thought about being gay for quite some time, but of course that wasn't the case. My friend took it very well, he is super supportive to this date and I'm glad, I trusted my instincts regarding him. You know, I was suicidal for a long time because I felt so hopeless and lost, not knowing what was wrong with me. Like, a 21yo with ED, that shit was unheard of. And I felt like the fucking Omega Man, the loneliest man on the planet. Urologists were clueless too, ensuring me that everything looked fine and that it had to be performance anxiety. But when I had made my first sexual steps, I was just super happy to finally have sex, something I had been looking forward to my whole life. The result was anticlimactic in the most literal sense of words.

If you don't want to confide to your parents, I can totally understand you. It's up to you. Maybe you practice it somewhere safe. Drive to another city, go to a church and confess to a priest. No, I am not joking... What do they say? Desperate times call for desperate measures. The most important thing is to keep moving, don't get comfortable in your sorrows...

Quote
If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and than decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.
That's right. I've been unemployed all my life (minus 5 months) so I have no money for therapy. And this therapy, in my country, is not something you do with insurance. It's super expensive too. Just one session a week is a lot. My parents are not really rich. In order to build this 2 story house we've been through a lot. Starting with the location - The city is not close and here the land was cheaper but a lot of money for our salaries nevertheless. We build the house with cheaper materials and during 5 years or so, little by little with a lot of loans that my parents are still paining back. I don't want to say that we really have no money for therapy but it will mean a lot of money and I don't want to ask my parents for this. They pain loans and the house is still not finish, my dad wants to buy some materials to finish it etc. I want to wait until I get hired and then use my own money for therapy. As I said that I have no life, I want to get myself a life first. I want to start this job, go back to society, see what I can do. Maybe if nothing works, I would go to therapy but given the fact that I find someone good. I don't think there is therapy for P addiction where I live. I'm not sure about Internet addiction. I've seen some therapy for anxiety/depression stuff like that. I don't know. I haven't investigated completely so I don't want to talk about it like this. I will investigate of course.

My therapist isn't a specialist in the field of PMO either. She is a behavioural therapist who turned out to be very open-minded, ready to learn and adapt to my situation. Honestly, I would be in a much darker place had I not met her. As I said, it took me months and four different therapists to find the right one. Don't get frustrated when you look for the right one.

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If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.
I know what you mean and this is true. I lost my last friend 6 years ago and since then I couldn't make others as I was always unemployed. I have to correct you: I'm dealing with 2 hard addictions, not just one. And yeah, I'm pretty broken. I've never had many friends and the few I had always abandoned me. I didn't know why but now I think I know. Anyway, my relationship with friendship started being toxic at the end of high school and it caused me a lot of discomfort until 2 years ago when I calmed myself down a little bit. Talking about my relationship with friendship would require another book so I don't think I could do it right now.

Anyway, Pete, thanks for your constant support, man. Honestly, I really really appreciate how you want to help a total stranger who means nothing to you. You've helped me more than all the friends I had in my life who didn't give a fuck about me. And don't make your messages shorter. It doesn't matter if they are long because sometimes you have to write a lot to convey your message.

I'm glad, I'm of some help and I'm honored by your kind words. I don't have a journal of my own, so writing in other journals is very helpful for me too. It's therapeutic. And helping others helps me too. I'm excited to hear your thoughts about my suggestions.

Take care!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 03:39:52 PM
Pete, thanks for the reply. I appreciate.

No, I don't think they would react super negatively because I've told them about my social anxiety, depression and reason for alcoholism and there was no crazy reaction.

You and me seem to share some similarities in the way we lived our 20's. You are further ahead than me. I've never even had a chance for sex and not because of ED.

Like I've said already, I can't really do much without a life (financially too) so I really need to be hired, hopefully next month as the rumors are because dad works there too and he told me about it. There is a list and it's close to my number. I feel like only after this I could do more things.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 03:43:10 PM
Loneliness is lack of connection with people around you.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 03:43:38 PM
I don't want to force anything to you, but why is being unemployed holding you back on telling your parents (or a priest for that matter)?

Fingers crossed that you get employed!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 03:46:15 PM
I don't want to force anything to you, but why is being unemployed holding you back on telling your parents (or a priest for that matter)?

Fingers crossed that you get employed!
No, it doesn't hold me back. Unemployment makes it pretty impossible for me to do things, like going back to society, trying to find some friends or even going to therapy.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 03:55:53 PM
Worry about the friends and therapy later.

So, if it doesn't hold you back, what are you gonna do about it? At least give me a "I'm contemplating it but I need more time to think about it and get comfortable with the idea" or something. You gotta start somewhere! You are basically telling me, that you won't do anything until you get employed. Like really? Half a month more of fried dopamine receptors? Half a month more damage to your gray matter? Come on man, it's time for putting things in motion. Do something. Anything.

I'm still curious about the things you wanna do and would enjoy.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 04:02:43 PM
Worry about the friends and therapy later.

So, if it doesn't hold you back, what are you gonna do about it? At least give me a "I'm contemplating it but I need more time to think about it and get comfortable with the idea" or something. You gotta start somewhere! You are basically telling me, that you won't do anything until you get employed. Like really? Half a month more of fried dopamine receptors? Half a month more damage to your gray matter? Come on man, it's time for putting things in motion. Do something. Anything.

I'm still curious about the things you wanna do and would enjoy.
I don't know if I will tell them. Right now I have no idea. I need time to think. And I can't really do too much about my recovery when I am unemployed. You said about therapy, I can't really do it without my money. Also, maybe having a life could make things at least 10 percent easier which is a start. With the non-existent life I have right now, it's impossible. There is nothing to wonder about my constant relapsing every few days. Binges even. It's clear why. I am trapped in this shit right now.

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 12, 2019, 04:06:12 PM
Alright, I leave you in peace (for now).

I hope you watched the video about momentum. It helped me a great deal to set things in motion. Start slow. Leave the house for 10 minutes every day, then 20 minutes, then an hour. Take strolls, be in nature. It's proven to help mental stability and reduces stress.

Over and out!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 04:29:38 PM
Alright, I leave you in peace (for now).

I hope you watched the video about momentum. It helped me a great deal to set things in motion. Start slow. Leave the house for 10 minutes every day, then 20 minutes, then an hour. Take strolls, be in nature. It's proven to help mental stability and reduces stress.

Over and out!
Yeah, man, I've watched the video. Amazing video. I like the ideas presented. Go slow, don't push yourself too hard. I like the idea of creating habits. A life without addiction should be habit.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 05:20:00 PM
The first person that you need to be friends with is yourself.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 12, 2019, 06:45:42 PM
It's hard. It's annoying to be back to day 1 after only 3,4,5 days. Sometimes I have the urge to just fuck it and go back to bingeing everyday like I used to until the end of high school. Sobriety seems harder than just drowning yourself into the addiction that numbs you. Sometimes sustaining the fight feels so hard and all I'm thinking about is getting numb.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 12, 2019, 08:46:51 PM
Yeah it is, but you can do it. Try just not to be too hard with yourself. We all start somewhere I was at that point around 2 years ago, 'cause I already knew that I needed to lower my P use. Even before I knew about the Reboot stuff. It took my 2 years to get to a point where I manage to get to 2 week regularly! It was mostly due to misconception on my part.

All that to say, keep going man! You can do it, and Pete as a point it will help you tremendously to get out slowly and with time increase that duration by small amount!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: K-Dot on February 13, 2019, 05:36:31 AM
It's hard. It's annoying to be back to day 1 after only 3,4,5 days. Sometimes I have the urge to just fuck it and go back to bingeing everyday like I used to until the end of high school. Sobriety seems harder than just drowning yourself into the addiction that numbs you. Sometimes sustaining the fight feels so hard and all I'm thinking about is getting numb.
I found out that usually if i go over 5 days of no pmo, it's likely that I want relapse in a while. But i would often go for 2 days and then binge for 5 days and so on. Binging and relapsing after 2-3 days streaks is what destroyed me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 06:07:09 AM
I found out that usually if i go over 5 days of no pmo, it's likely that I want relapse in a while. But i would often go for 2 days and then binge for 5 days and so on. Binging and relapsing after 2-3 days streaks is what destroyed me.
It's just annoying to be in this circle of relapsing after only a few days. It's annoying when you don't even reach 1 month.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 06:28:38 AM
I can't shoo the loneliness
That everywhere the me it follows
It makes my smile go away
And it brings me only sorrows

Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 13, 2019, 07:01:34 AM
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 07:04:10 AM
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.
Of course, man. I know this.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 07:08:06 AM
Addiction is suffering and withdrawal is suffering too. The difference is that one lasts for life (if nothing is done), the other stops one day. It's clear which one I want to choose but it's not always that easy. In the middle stands the fucking obsession for pleasure that makes everything not seem so black and white. Talking myself out of it has never worked. Willpower alone is not the way to go. I have to counter this addiction by doing what it has made me avoid.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 13, 2019, 07:35:16 AM
The funny thing is that "the obsession" is not who we really are, and I mean literally. It's just the brain, if it doesn't get what it wants for a few days it will give up on its own and look for something else. In these days there will be no obsessions as if that part of your personality has vanished and it actually was not you having the obsessions. It's just a tiny piece of protein stuck in your brain which creates the obsession. Check out YBON, it has helped a lot. And do what you need to do get out of this mess.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 07:48:26 AM
The funny thing is that "the obsession" is not who we really are, and I mean literally. It's just the brain, if it doesn't get what it wants for a few days it will give up on its own and look for something else. In these days there will be no obsessions as if that part of your personality has vanished and it actually was not you having the obsessions. It's just a tiny piece of protein stuck in your brain which creates the obsession. Check out YBON, it has helped a lot. And do what you need to do get out of this mess.
It can become confusing when it's not clear what is the problem - you or P. But this desire for pleasure seems so real, as if it's a part of me, you know.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 13, 2019, 07:53:06 AM
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.

Great post, thanks for contributing!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 09:23:44 AM
Yeah it is, but you can do it. Try just not to be too hard with yourself. We all start somewhere I was at that point around 2 years ago, 'cause I already knew that I needed to lower my P use. Even before I knew about the Reboot stuff. It took my 2 years to get to a point where I manage to get to 2 week regularly! It was mostly due to misconception on my part.

All that to say, keep going man! You can do it, and Pete as a point it will help you tremendously to get out slowly and with time increase that duration by small amount!
We sometimes forget that we can do more than we think. In the beginning we think we could not achieve 1 week but then we do it and this proves us wrong. Maybe if we start with this mentality, that it's not impossible for us, it could make things at least 20% easier which is always welcome. Any slight advantage is good. The mental does a lot, you know. If you start with the mentality that you can't, I don't think you will succeed.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 13, 2019, 10:36:42 AM
You're right, you just have to know that you can! I know I can get out of this I've proved myself so many time that I can abstaint for P that I know that I can recover.

You have to start believing it too brother :)
Keep going and stay strong!!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 12:01:02 PM
This addiction is annoying. Last time I had no urges after 6 days but I have now after only 2. They are not strong, I would say 5/10 but they are noticeable and the voice in my mind tells me urges = pleasure. The bigger the urges, the bigger the pleasure. That's what it tells me every fucking time.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 13, 2019, 01:07:39 PM
This addiction is annoying. Last time I had no urges after 6 days but I have now after only 2. They are not strong, I would say 5/10 but they are noticeable and the voice in my mind tells me urges = pleasure. The bigger the urges, the bigger the pleasure. That's what it tells me every fucking time.

I know, me it's telling what I miss by not giving into these urges. But they won't get me. Fuck them!!! I know they're lying and that it will only be short and barely pleasurable shit that will get me nowhere. Like this morning, I had some they we're telling me what to write on the search engine that was literally next to my fingers... I had to redirect all this shit to something else like my warmup before my training and not being late. It was so hard, but I did it!

Don't listen to them they're not your wishes they're the wishes of your addicted brain. What meditation taught me is that you are not your thoughts! They will try to get you!! If you're carefull and redirect your attention to something else you can avoid relapse. It's not easy, but it's doable!

Stay strong brother!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 01:42:41 PM
I know, me it's telling what I miss by not giving into these urges. But they won't get me. Fuck them!!! I know they're lying and that it will only be short and barely pleasurable shit that will get me nowhere. Like this morning, I had some they we're telling me what to write on the search engine that was literally next to my fingers... I had to redirect all this shit to something else like my warmup before my training and not being late. It was so hard, but I did it!

Don't listen to them they're not your wishes they're the wishes of your addicted brain. What meditation taught me is that you are not your thoughts! They will try to get you!! If you're carefull and redirect your attention to something else you can avoid relapse. It's not easy, but it's doable!

Stay strong brother!
It's absolutely unbelievable how this voice from the mind can make me believe that the urges equal a great pleasure when I haven't had any fun with this shit for a long time. It's always the: "this time it will be the way you want it, even if the last 1000 times sucked." Why did they suck? Because when I relapse, I feel depressed and you can't feel depressed and good at the same time. Therefore, the depressed episode interfered with the pleasure from the O. And the voice tells me to try one more time.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 02:15:59 PM
I have a lot of things to do and the anxiety and mental mess this addiction gives me won't help me at all.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 13, 2019, 02:45:46 PM
Yo change, you still didn't provide me with information about what activities you would like to do. I'm still very curious!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 02:47:52 PM
Yo change, you still didn't provide me with information about what activities you would like to do. I'm still very curious!
What's so urgent? Why would be so curious about something I haven't even started.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 13, 2019, 02:58:08 PM
The sun doesn't shine. I light a torch to guide me through the darkness so I could move forward. I never stay in one place for too long. I want to see what's at the end of the road. Because you could die in the middle of the road.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Joost! on February 14, 2019, 02:58:43 AM
The sun doesn't shine. I light a torch to guide me through the darkness so I could move forward. I never stay in one place for too long. I want to see what's at the end of the road. Because you could die in the middle of the road.

At the end of the porn-trip road there is a sign saying "Turn back and gather all the pieces of your lost mind."
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 05:23:57 AM
The sun doesn't shine. I light a torch to guide me through the darkness so I could move forward. I never stay in one place for too long. I want to see what's at the end of the road. Because you could die in the middle of the road.

At the end of the porn-trip road there is a sign saying "Turn back and gather all the pieces of your lost mind."
Nooooo, I don't wanna go back. I'll live without a mind.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 05:39:03 AM
The torch is lit with the fire in me.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: blueRaccoon on February 14, 2019, 05:40:04 AM
Check this out - https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-is-intermittent-use-long-abstinence-with-binges-an-addiction-risk/
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 07:36:12 AM
Check this out - https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-is-intermittent-use-long-abstinence-with-binges-an-addiction-risk/
Yeah, man, I know that article. I've read it.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 08:30:31 AM
NSFW rant

So, a slut uploads softcore pictures on F(uck)acebook and only guys post in the comment section. Nobody says "Whoa, what a fucking slut! Delete this fucking filth!" They say "Wow, you're so hot! This is the best picture" and then take their pants of and start jerking off. But the pictures are not softcore P, they are "just pictures". And the sluts are not sluts, they are models. The boundaries are pushed further every year. The pictures are closer to P. I'm waiting for the day when full P pictures will be allowed on F(uck)acebook because I've seen some of this on Instagram. Literally, the pictures were full P from behind. And that "wasn't P" because she was turned around and we couldn't see the tits.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 14, 2019, 09:15:10 AM
All of social media is a nest of serpents. The sooner you realize and leave it for good, the happier you will be. Personally, I quit all social media 8 years ago and never looked back. For me, the main reason was that some of my "friends" and acquaintances acted totally different online from what they were doing real life. Fake shit everywhere. It made me angry, and then I decided, I won't need it any longer. Since then, I'm a much happier person.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 09:26:20 AM
All of social media is a nest of serpents. The sooner you realize and leave it for good, the happier you will be. Personally, I quit all social media 8 years ago and never looked back. For me, the main reason was that some of my "friends" and acquaintances acted totally different online from what they were doing real life. Fake shit everywhere. It made me angry, and then I decided, I won't need it any longer. Since then, I'm a much happier person.
Social media is fake and full of drugs injected through your eyes. Fuck 'em! Fuck this, fuck that.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 09:48:28 AM
I have a big problem with edging and I'm so frustrated. It's like edging is what my brain wants; The arousal. I am obsessed with pleasure and that little voice likes to tell me that a little edging won't hurt. Before I know, I have been edging for 3 hours and I feel exhausted and desperate for more. This desperation for more then makes me despair.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 14, 2019, 04:53:58 PM
Never think that things will happen when they'll happen. My wasted 10 years with this mentality have proved me wrong. Things happen when you start doing something. Never leave for tomorrow what you could've done yesterday.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Josh_ on February 14, 2019, 07:05:53 PM
I have tried edging for three years and simply found that it doesn't work. I go back to the O in PMO again and again. Maybe different for you, but I find it's impossible to start at M and not reach O, so I don't masturbation to begin with and I do suggest the same for you.

I also find that you claim that there is no overdose in pornography use. I beg to differ. At the height of my 12 year addiction to porn I was using porn 3-4 hours a day for maybe 3 months straight. I was lonely, as you constantly post, and committed a detrimental parasuicide where I barely escaped death. Now, one might feel that using porn doesn't instantly cause death - say like alcohol use. But, we all here can acknowledge that alcohol use is through the digestive tract and our problem with porn is through the eyes, primarily. Seeing that these two are very different, it's easy to see that, indeed, porn use has a different overdose type than a brick and mortar addiction like alcohol. After using the computer daily for 4 hours, I had such low self esteem (a side effect attributable to addictive porn use), that I thought I be better off dead. This, to me, is an overdose of the substance if there is a clear pattern of use porn and them immediately want to not exist, loneliness, whatever descriptor you want to put there.

My continual advice for many years, seeing that I have gotten 6 years porn-free, is to look at it like a Football player. He falls down, he gets back up, and he falls down again and he is back up again. We need to see this as a continual chain of progress in recovery and not a idealized version of ourself that suddenly doesn't fall down anymore or doesn't have to think about avoiding porn ever again. GET BACK UP and I feel we earn the respect of this porn addiction. It's saying something like: "whoa, not messing with him." I have fallen countless times, probably about 12 good ones with significant amount of time away from porn. 3 months - 2 years each time. I scared the shit out this addiction because I refused to stay down and I suggest you do the same. Good luck.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:51:29 AM
I have tried edging for three years and simply found that it doesn't work. I go back to the O in PMO again and again. Maybe different for you, but I find it's impossible to start at M and not reach O, so I don't masturbation to begin with and I do suggest the same for you.
Well, years ago I didn't know that P was an addiction. I saw that I couldn't stop masturbating on a daily bases and I thought I was addicted to masturbation. In an attempt to quit masturbation, I started edging, because I said that as long as I didn't O, I was safe, not knowing that I shouldn't have watched P and I shouldn't have edged either. Edging for me became a way to turn myself on but I have periods of time (I don't know why) when I can't turn myself on at all, no matter how much edging I'm doing (like last time). I feel completely empty, as if the ability to arouse myself didn't exist at all. That's why I don't always O in the same day after edging when I can't turn myself on as much as I want. I have this obsession with the "biggest high" and when my arousal is not up to this, I don't want to O because this makes me feel like the urges will go away and I won't be able to get my best high tomorrow. I don't know, it's complicated. But I eventually O anyway, even if it comes after a few days, out of frustration and impatience. Even if it seems like my brain enjoys the edging more, the O is still the ultimate goal for us.

Quote
I also find that you claim that there is no overdose in pornography use. I beg to differ. At the height of my 12 year addiction to porn I was using porn 3-4 hours a day for maybe 3 months straight. I was lonely, as you constantly post, and committed a detrimental parasuicide where I barely escaped death. Now, one might feel that using porn doesn't instantly cause death - say like alcohol use. But, we all here can acknowledge that alcohol use is through the digestive tract and our problem with porn is through the eyes, primarily. Seeing that these two are very different, it's easy to see that, indeed, porn use has a different overdose type than a brick and mortar addiction like alcohol. After using the computer daily for 4 hours, I had such low self esteem (a side effect attributable to addictive porn use), that I thought I be better off dead. This, to me, is an overdose of the substance if there is a clear pattern of use porn and them immediately want to not exist, loneliness, whatever descriptor you want to put there.
Well, you know what I mean by "no overdose in porn". It doesn't kill you like injecting more heroin than you should and dropping dead. That's what I mean. At least I don't know anybody who literally dropped dead after PMO. But who knows. I can PMO like 7 times a day, I just don't continue cause I can't anymore, I'm completely exhausted but I can't kill myself. Near death experience from PMO can't scare me. Sometimes I just wish I could overdose on PMO.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 06:17:18 AM
Relapse
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 10:52:35 AM
3 times after 4 days. I edged all day yesterday. I'm completely fucked up. I haven't counted how many binges I had this month. I don't even want to.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 10:59:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Pmth8ed_Q
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 11:31:20 AM
Fuck everything
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 11:32:47 AM
Try this and try that and you will do this and that.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 11:33:27 AM
Depressed as fuck and suicidal
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 11:35:01 AM
They should've killed me when I was born, now I'm stuck in the fucking storm
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 11:41:31 AM
The potential for this illness exists in all people and, under the right circumstances, anyone would be driven to it, like him.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 12:27:17 PM
Depressed as fuck and suicidal

You need to take action ASAP. Many Members have recommended you one thing or another. DO SOMETHING. NOW. STOP POISONING YOURSELF.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 01:21:41 PM
I can't do shit in my situation.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 15, 2019, 01:29:18 PM
I can't do shit in my situation.

It's not like you have a choice, it's either that or you keep descending with that infernal spiral from where you'll never get out! You have to act and stop poisoning youself.

You can do it, but you have to stop thinking like that!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 02:41:35 PM
I can't do shit in my situation.

That's flat out bullshit. But keep telling yourself lies in order to continue binging. Mate, if you can watch porn for 10 hours a day, then you can get the login data of your router, type in motherfucking "192.168.0.1", and install openDNS. But yeah, you can't do shit in your situation, I forgot. Get real, son.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 03:02:15 PM
I can't do shit in my situation.

That's flat out bullshit. But keep telling yourself lies in order to continue binging. Mate, if you can watch porn for 10 hours a day, then you can get the login data of your router, type in motherfucking "192.168.0.1", and install openDNS. But yeah, you can't do shit in your situation, I forgot. Get real, son.
And you think your opendns will save me from death? This is hilarious.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 03:08:37 PM
The feeling when you realize you are not good at anything.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 03:10:25 PM
We all gonna die eventually. It's hilarious that you tell yourself sweet little lies in order to keep going. The truth is you discovered that porn is incredibly harmful but the truth is also that you are not ready to let go. That's why I told you to get help from your parents. But you are too scared to set things in motion, you are too comfortable in your sorrows and you are too attached to porn.

Do you really think anything is gonna change once you land the job? Yeah, you will tell me, I'm gonna find and pay a therapist but you know what? A therapist can only do so much, in the end YOU have to act, YOU have to change, YOU have to take action. If YOU don't start doing things in order to get better, the best therapist can't help you. Swallow that pill.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 03:32:28 PM
We all gonna die eventually. It's hilarious that you tell yourself sweet little lies in order to keep going. The truth is you discovered that porn is incredibly harmful but the truth is also that you are not ready to let go. That's why I told you to get help from your parents. But you are too scared to set things in motion, you are too comfortable in your sorrows and you are too attached to porn.

Do you really think anything is gonna change once you land the job? Yeah, you will tell me, I'm gonna find and pay a therapist but you know what? A therapist can only do so much, in the end YOU have to act, YOU have to change, YOU have to take action. If YOU don't start doing things in order to get better, the best therapist can't help you. Swallow that pill.
And what the fuck do you want me to do right now if I don't even go to a therapist? You swallow this pill too.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 03:48:36 PM
Sigh (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_mDTLphIVY), I can't live your life for you. I told you to install openDNS but all you do is to hide behind cynical comments. There are even easier to install porn blockers. Also, GO TALK TO YOUR GOD DAMN PARENTS. I've told you to do so days ago. But you won't do it. You won't do anything. I'm really baffled that you basically decline to do anything. Like the smallest of small steps. I bet, you haven't left the house for days. I told you to take strolls, but I'm sure you didn't do it. Why is that so? You tell me?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:03:13 PM
Okay, I'm getting tired of those discussions about do this do that it's all about you it's all about this and that. I'll kill myself anyway, why do you care so much?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:07:10 PM
Fuck this and fuck this and fuck that and fuck that guy fuck that girl fuck everything fuck that thing and fuck this thing :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 04:07:45 PM
You are behaving like a little child. You'd rather kill yourself than to install a born blocker? Seriously? Is that what you're saying? Why are you so scared to take action? What is holding you back?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:08:48 PM
You are behaving like a little child. You'd rather kill yourself than to install a born blocker? Seriously? Is that what you're saying? Why are you so scared to take action? What is holding you back?
I am a little kid. A porn blocker will not save me from jerking off to death.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 04:11:51 PM
Nothing is gonna help you, right?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:13:13 PM
Click here to reveal the hidden text in parenthesis. 

(I'll kill myself tonight) 

:))))))))))))) why laugh maniacally when you could laugh psychopathelly :))) what a word it doesn't even exist.
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:13:43 PM
Nothing is gonna help you, right?
A (bla) de
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:16:06 PM
Start the sentence again because you said it wrong check 1000 times double check talk to yourself start the sentence again go to sleep wake up tomorrow
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Pete McVries on February 15, 2019, 04:20:21 PM
Go talk to your parents, they are the only ones who can help you. You are deaf to any advice given to you on this board. I honestly don't even know why you are here. Also, I've reported you to the admins. I don't take suicide threats lightly. Wishing you well (http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html)!
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: changemylife on February 15, 2019, 04:22:14 PM
What the fuck you think you're doing? You're starting to piss me off. Why the fuck you report me?
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: Kaingang on February 19, 2019, 07:06:06 AM
hey man. how are you?

For me who was speaking in the last posts was not really you but your intense pain. Porn has this quality of awakening our deepest pains. And pain feeds on more pain. We then get in in a vicious circle of self-destructive habits feeding our pains even more unconsciously.

but like everything in life these moments of greater pain also pass, sometimes they last longer or less time, but they always pass. and then we begin again to think more rationally, to understand that we really need help, and that we need to do something to get better because no one is going to do it to ourselves.

In moments of greater pain thoughts vibrate negatively and say things like, "It's impossible ... I just can not do anything about my problems." but when that pain decrease you realize that small steps can be taken.

all the advice given here for you was very valuable and should be reflected very carefully. Despite the frequent relapses and your other addictions that you have to deal with, you can put out many things that were stuck in you here and this is already a big progress. Anyway, we are still here to hear how you've been and I hope you're already feeling a little better. peace
Title: Re: Now or never
Post by: pckk on May 14, 2019, 12:56:11 AM
thanks you.  ::)
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