Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: Sentimental_geek on September 22, 2018, 09:08:57 AM

Title: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on September 22, 2018, 09:08:57 AM
Hello all.

So I didn’t think i'd be back in this position again again, but alas I am!

I started rebooting n 2014 and built some success ans streaks and sorted out a LOT in my life. But over the last year or so, I’ve got back to a cycle of going a few weeks and relapsing. And recently, its got worse again. I feel like a bit of a failure for getting so far then falling back again. But I know there is no benefit to beating my self up. My latest relapse was today and the last couple of weeks especially I have been quite bad.

A bit of back ground: I'm 34 years old. I've had girlfriends but never properly had sex. I'm a self confessed nightmare with women. My upbringing consisted of a very abusive (physically and psychologically) father which then resulted in a messy parental divorce then being brought up by my mum. I told my dad to fuck off many years ago, He's a waste of space and time. I'm also dyslexic and only found out when I was 22. So as you can imagine i got a pounding at school from teachers and always thought I was stupid, even after graduating from university. I have had no real career to speak of, though recently quit my job to go back to university and study Psychology (started the course last week). A couple of years ago I had therapy for depression and anxiety which really helped . I never discussed the porn issues but covered a lot of childhood and dyslexia issues. I've also go more into things that interest me like joining toastmasters, outdoor stuff like camping and planning to go back to university. But, the porn monster has reared its head again. I really don’t want it to screw me over again and I’m starting to feel It will.

My big problem at th moment is trying to find ways round the open DNS blocker I have installed. From using yahoo images and duck duck go search engines without filters to even downloading a Tor browser to access porn sites. I'm not particularly proud of the last one as it basically like having no filter again. I also have an issue with masturbating first thing in the morning and rationalizing this is ok as its not with porn. Not that I have an issue with masturbation without porn per se, but its doing me no real favors. As i'm not working at the moment and studying, I am at home alot and using my computer to do university work. So i am getting triggered a bit mroe, tho as I said, I have been in a cycle of it for a year now having previously done well. Its especially frustrating as i have changed so much in my life but seem to be creeping back to the old habits when the going gets a little tough.

So here I go again! I want to properly cast of the shackles of this and move forward.

Thanks
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on September 23, 2018, 03:30:38 PM
So today was the first day of my new reboot. Felt ok, not much to report.

I did however have a good think about what can cuase me to relapse and came up with a few things.

1) I let myself edge without porn a lot. Whilst this is effectively not using porn, it keeps leading to relapse. I have tried rationalizing this as just masturbating but I end up doing it a few times a day, especially in the morning. So it needs to stop. Whilst I may come back to masturbation (no pun intended) one day, I need to reboot first as this is definitely adding to the cycle i'm trapped in.

2) I edge a lot int he mornings. Usually this happens when I wake up before my alarm or have a lie in. But rather than going back to sleep I end up fapping. The solution to this is to get up and just start the day. If i beat the alarm by half an hour, so be it!

3) I occasionally nap during the day. Sometimes I just lie on the couch. Other times I go to bed. Often when I go to bed I end up edging. Again this is not to porn but its not helping at the moment. So naps have to be on the couch. On top of that I am going to tinker with my sleep pattern to see if I can avoid the day naps. As i'm dyslexic tho It can help me if i have been studying all day and my head is fried.

4) If im tired an on my computer for long periods of time, i can find myself slipping into peaking. I often rationalize it by telling myself its just a peak. I have even told myself that relapse is part of the process which is completely stupid!!! So i need to shut the lap top more when I get to this stage and do something else. even leave the house for 10 mins and walk around outside.

I'm also chronically lonley. I've always been a bit of a loan wolf. So connection is important. i know this has been a factor in me fantasizing a lot.

Abyhow, that came to mind today so thought it was wortht he post. If anyone has any other advice, feel free to chip in. From previous reboot experience I know whats what to an extent. I just need to find my kicking point with this and get properly stuck in.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on September 24, 2018, 06:21:09 PM
And so, day 2.

Well, today has bee up and down. I started university recently, studying a masters in Psychology. Its my first time studying since 2006. I had all the will and motivation int he world when I started. But i'm feeling very overwhelmed and struggling a bit to adapt to the change as well as pick it up as a new subject. I'm not always the best at asking for help, mainly because I got shut down a lot as a kid being 1) am unknown dyslexic kid at school who people thought was stupid and 2) having a dad that really didn't care. In situations where I feel pressured this comes flooding back. Thanks to therapy I have got better at dealing with it. But its still hard. I left university today feeling a bit frustrated. And when I did some more studying later tonight, I felt the same again as I didn't understand part of what i was doing.

There is a lot running though my mind as well. Since I started nofap in 2013, I have changed a lot. Mostly for the better it must be said. I've got fitter, healthier and looked for new starts and opportunities in life. Hence my decision to start studying again. But alas, in the mess of a cycle of relapse, I'm feeling shit about things again. Thats if i'm feeling at all. I struggle to let things out at times and I don't have many people around to let it out to. I have this I guess. But there is a deep loneliness in me.

I did feel better for a bit earlier when i went for a run. I'm glad I did that as its a good release.
But there is a feeling today that I have risked so much being stuck in relapse and I worry its beginning to encroach onto so many other things i'm trying to achive.

So, yeah.....bit of a shit one!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: BabySteps on September 27, 2018, 11:10:43 AM
Hey Sentimental_geek

We are in this together buddy.
I suggest jogging more often, make it part of your weekly schedule. 3 to 4 times can really boost in help us gain control.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on September 29, 2018, 04:12:36 PM
Thanks for the reply BabySteps. Its much appreciated.

So I have made it a week with no PMO  ;D

Its been an interesting week. I have had chronic Insomnia. At times i've had about 2 hours sleep maximum. Thats sucked but i'm prepared to ride it out as part of the process. Often I would masturbate (without porn) when i cant sleep but didnt resort to it. I had a job interview on friday as well so there was some stress about that. It went well but i'll wait and see. Not sure how much i want the actual job.

I've been quite up and down over all though. At times due to the insomnia it felt like i was running on adrenaline which is really weird feeling. It was like something was trapped inside me. untill, friday evening, I was listening to music and i just burst into tears. I must have cried for nearly an hour. Properly heart wrenching shallow breathing bawling my eyes out crying. And I just let myself do it. No holding back. Let it all out! Its happened every time i've done nofap to be honest. Its almost as if the numbness of being a porn addict is starting to lift and you can start to feel again. And despite it was crying, I felt much better for it! I know it will happen again in this journey. But given the cycle of relapse ive been in, I had become aware that I was getting numbed again. At times I was even trying ti make myself cry but couldn't. In the back of my head it was because I knew PMO addiction was gripping me again and it definitely blunts your emotions and stops you seeing the beauty in things. I have also seen a lot of change in my life this year, thanks in part by the seeds sown by earlier no PMO attempts. Its been a lot to take in and at times overwhelming. Again, I feel my emotions on this had been a bit blunted by my addiction. So, out it came. I slept a bit better last night as well. Not perfect, but better.

I have had some urges, but staving them off ok. Having university work and preparing for the job interview helped to keep me occupied. Being occupied is key, especially now as i have some big goals to achieve that I know I can get so much from as they are really striking a chord with my values.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on September 30, 2018, 05:02:02 PM
Just a quick update for today. After the floods of tears on Friday I do feel better and sleeping has improved a fair bit. Its also strongly reminded me that reboots can be an emotional shit storm, but they are really for the better. Within that, its important to remember its for the long haul. Its important to take it week, day, hour even minute at a time. But its also important not to get lost in a moment when it may be tough. I feel that's been my issue with relapse over the last year. If things get tough or I get urges, I let them get the better of me in that moment and rationalize that I can just pick it up again tomorrow. But that kept on going. I can see that more clearly now. Taken a while but I get it. Slightly annoying as the years where I was having reboot success it was blatantly obvious. But alas, i'm learning again. So I head in to week two!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Reformed Fapper on September 30, 2018, 10:53:57 PM
Yeah it can be tough, escpecially in the first phase - the first week or so. But yeah as you said, no matter how shitty you feel now, its nothing compared to how youd feel if you PMO. Just always keep on your mind the massive payoff you will undoubtedly get as you make some good progress in your reboot!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 02, 2018, 06:00:02 PM
Yeah it can be tough, escpecially in the first phase - the first week or so. But yeah as you said, no matter how shitty you feel now, its nothing compared to how youd feel if you PMO. Just always keep on your mind the massive payoff you will undoubtedly get as you make some good progress in your reboot!

Thanks for your support, and you are right!

So been OK over the last few days. BUT, I did peek a little today. Nothing extreme, just rubbish on pinterest. I have blocked it now using a domain blocker as its full of crap anyway. But It does go to show when things get the better of me. I was doing work for university. I should have taken a break away from my computer but alas, slipped. But that's all it was and I took control.

One thing i have noticed a bit is my brain being easily distracted a bit more at the moment. Which occasionally leads me into procrastination. I know from previous reboots that this is a common phase. A kind of brain fog, not dissimilar to when you are actively PMOing but oblivious to its effects. As mentioned before I've been in a cycle of relapsing after a week to 2 weeks so feeling a need to be very cautious over the next week. To day was a bit of a scare in that sense.

But alas, on wards and upwards. It will get worse before it gets better!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 06, 2018, 03:51:13 PM
So nearly reached 2 weeks. This week as definitely been much harder. I have peeked a couple of times and also touched myself too. But no full on relapse.

My brain is definitely a bit scattered at them moment. I feel myself being very impulsive and also getting urges a lot which I think is playing a role in peeking/touching. I'm also getting a bit agitated and my mood is up and down a bit too. Running, meditation and cold showers are helping. I hadn’t done cold showers much but I have given them a shot over the last few days, just for about a minute or so and I feel really good after them. So that helps. But i'm definitely struggling a bit. I feel quite lonely too. Porn has played havoc with my love life, or there lack of! At times I feel I’ve missed so much and it gets me down. I know ultimately the only way to improve that is to keep going with NOFAP. I had been chatting to a couple of girls off and on that I matched with on dating apps a few months ago. I haven’t got round to meeting them yet tho. One is keen to meet up but lives in another city. She seems lovely. But, I just don’t have the motivation for it. I know that sounds silly as its a potential real thing. But what having started a reboot, started university, and not working at the moment so not having huge amounts of money, I just don’t feel up for it. I also feel a bit guilty as we'd been chatting for a while. We were supposed to meed a few weeks back but she was not feeling well. But the wind has fallen out the sails of this one for me.  :-\

I feel i'm on the verge of another emotional outburst. A good old cry! I probably need it. Over the last year of circulating relapses I have felt more emotionally numb. At least now i'm starting to FEEL again, even if it means feeling like shit!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: the_terrible_one on October 06, 2018, 05:53:26 PM
I'm a week behind you however I haven't touched myself or peeked but I can definitely relate to the scatter brained-ness and mood swings. And can definitely really relate to feeling lonely. I think I'd like a partner to go through this process with but at the same time, I also think it would be beneficial for me to be good and over the worst of it before I embark on that journey. Especially with how unmotivated I am to do anything right now. With regards to the emotional string pulling, I think its just withdrawal trying to pull tricks on you. I'm noticed my brain earlier suggested I have a look and I didn't really consciously know it made that request if that makes sense. I didn't look and ignored the voice, especially as I've found it relatively easy not to look so far. I knew one look would make me feel much better but I'd rather be miserable and on noPMO, than jubilant for 5 seconds and then beating myself up for weeks until I slump back into old habits. Eyes on the prize S_G!

Haha, and don't cry! :'( You'll set me off...!!! :) Keep going man, you're doing great.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 07, 2018, 04:57:09 PM
I'm a week behind you however I haven't touched myself or peeked but I can definitely relate to the scatter brained-ness and mood swings. And can definitely really relate to feeling lonely. I think I'd like a partner to go through this process with but at the same time, I also think it would be beneficial for me to be good and over the worst of it before I embark on that journey. Especially with how unmotivated I am to do anything right now. With regards to the emotional string pulling, I think its just withdrawal trying to pull tricks on you. I'm noticed my brain earlier suggested I have a look and I didn't really consciously know it made that request if that makes sense. I didn't look and ignored the voice, especially as I've found it relatively easy not to look so far. I knew one look would make me feel much better but I'd rather be miserable and on noPMO, than jubilant for 5 seconds and then beating myself up for weeks until I slump back into old habits. Eyes on the prize S_G!

Haha, and don't cry! :'( You'll set me off...!!! :) Keep going man, you're doing great.

Haha, Try as hard as you can not to peek. It will fuck you over! And, cry if you need to. Best letting it out.

Felt a little more balanced today. Wrote down a to do list for the week. Big part of it is updating my CV and also job hunting. This is a massive area of my life where I have underachieved due to lack of confidence and willingness to go for what I want. Whilst thats changed in part by going back to studying, I still have a lot of fear when It comes to job hunting and interviews. Porn has played a part in that in the past. Both being an escape from searching for jobs but also being an escape when I did crap jobs I hated and watched others doing well. In previous reboots over the years I have I have managed to better a lot of my life in steps. I'm starting to feel this is the area to look at as I have success with this one. Its one step at a time but its a barrier that needs broken.

I think a bit thing at the moment is in acknowledging I have done 2 weeks, I slightly regret the failed attempts of the past. I also feel its very much day, hour and even minute at a time. Urges can strike at any time so staying occupied is key. In a way I'm waiting for a proper flow to catch me so I can really start kicking ass. In previous reboots i've called it my kicking point...when you properly kick on and the thought of porn basically vanishes. May sound strange for a serial relapser but it is there. But at the moment Its like it may get worse before it gets better.

So onwards to week 3. My challenge this week is to avoid peeking and touching myself. Not that its a huge issue, but i've deactivated my facebook for the time being as of today. I deleted the app from my phone a while back so that cut its use way down, plus not having a boring job helps too. But I need to cut online procrastination. I've also blocked pinterest as I use that as a porn substitute, albeit a vanilla one. I have open DNS blocking all other porn and have done for a while and safe search installed on web search engines. As for touching myself, the peak times for this is either in the mornings If i wake and dont get up straight away and also if i'm on my computer in my PJ's. Usually this is because i'm doing uni work but there comes a time my mind wanders then I opt for a peek and a, well, you can guess the rest. So for this its get up straight away, meditation, shower, changed THEN I can put on the computer to do work. Also gonna try and get out the house more, even for just a 10 minute walk to break up the day and have signed up to my fitness pal to track my diet as its been a bit shit recently. Finally, i've been listening to the Will Power Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. I'd read it before and it has some fantastic advice on building willpower strength. I guessed that If I find pitfalls, rather than dwell on them its better to fine tune and adapt.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 08, 2018, 05:06:37 PM
After feeling a bit more balanced yesterday....I had another bout of chronic insomnia. Slept for a total of about 4 hours in 1 hour bursts. My mid was buzzing most of the night. And most of what it was buzzing about was just complete noise. Nothing depressing or even urge based. Just noise. Old pointless memories of the most random things, random subjects ans at one point i even had the song "Daisy" in my head, reminiscent of the scene in 2001: A Space odyssey when HAL9000 gets deactivated. Its been going on most of the day. It quietened down when I went for a run earlier. But honestly, it feels like a total haze. Nonsensical nonsense! I have been a little agitated at times too. Partly due to tiredness, but also due to the occasional random thought winding me up, and because in general its happening.

I have a feeling it will stay for a few days or so then hopefully pass. Just hope it does not bring more insomnia as I had it bad 2 weeks ago and it sucked! I have some sleeping tablets (non prescription ones) that I can take if need be but want to avoid that. I'm cutting calories this week too as I want to shed a little fat and I've been cutting caffine for a while. So there is possibly a few withdraws going on too.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Reformed Fapper on October 08, 2018, 09:19:24 PM
I had a similar experience while I was in the early stages of my reboot. Everytime I would relapse and start over, there would be a period of about a week from a few days after the relapse where I would wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep again. Not everynight, but at least twice a week. The most ridiculous shit would assault my mind like a scene from a movie I saw a few years ago, a song I hadnt heard in years would pop into my head, or just worrying about shit that hadnt even happened yet!
This always dissappeared after a week or so as it was a symptom of withdrawal. I know it sucks balls when it happens, but Itll get better so dont worry.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 09, 2018, 06:01:17 PM
So last night was a not as bad but still slightly insomnia nights sleep. And the corresponding brain fog resulted in me setting off for university without my wallet which was not good as it a 30 min train ride away!

My mind is very loud at the moment. All sorts of nonsense creeps in and i'm quite irritable at times too. I dont have much in the way of urges at the moment tho. So i'd say i'm pretty well on top of them for the moment. But I dont feel great, and on top of that i'm tired. I keep having fleeting thoughts that leaving my job to go back to studying was either 1) stupid or 2) going to result in embarrassing failure and 3) opting to study part-time was the wrong choice. A lot of this is mind noise but its loud noise. I'm also worried that i'm not as motivated as I should be to find a part-time job and possibly look to move to the town I study in. I get quite hard on my self really. I also felt myself welling up a few times earlier like I could just burst in to tears. Wouldn’t be a bad thing as it lets more out at least!

Its almost as if I wish I could switch my thinking head off at the moment for a bit and get on with it. I think I had it in previous reboots tho I cant remember having quite a much insomnia. I would hope previous reboot experience would help make it easier, but if it does not I only have my slef to blame for relapsing and being here again.

So, yeah...a bit frazzled!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 11, 2018, 06:21:01 PM
So it occurred i'm on day 19!

Today was....tough! I had some University work to do that was quite hard. Statistical analysis methods in psychology to be precise! Its something that’s fairly new to me and so far I have been doing OK in it but hit a bit of a wall recently, mixed with overly complicating it and stressing myself. But I had a tough morning that nearly resulted in me peeking and did result in me masturbating for about 5-10 minutes but with no orgasm. Touching myself if you may. Managed to pull it together and went for a run. Half way through my run I was just about crying but managed the 5k. Went back to uni work in the afternoon and made some progress but still felt stressed and a bit confused by it. So my head was melted and I was very flip-floppy with my mood. Like, VERY! worst i'd felt in a while. And it came in quickly like a black cloud :-( In a way I’ve been expecting it. But when It hit today, it hurt! As did urges.  i didn’t do myself any favours by peeking or touching myself, but I did manage to stop myself in my tracks. Cold showers were also to the rescue!

Luckally this evening I had a shift with some voluntary work I do which got me out the house and interacting with someone else. The person i was on with is really cool and easy to have a laugh with, plus one of the others did a similar course to the one i'm doing so she had some reassuring words for the bit of Uni work i'm stuck on. After that I had a long chat on the phone with one of my best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in a few weeks. We are meeting up on Saturday to catch up properly. So that lifted my mood a LOT. Its amazing how communication helps. To connect with others is really important. I've always been a bit of a lone wolf. Quite a bit more as I’ve got older. I always found socialising hard tho at times I've been guilty of trying to get in with anyone which created a lot of false relationships. Porn is also a huge factor in disconnection and I think its effects over the years have been a negative influence in disconnecting from people and situations that would otherwise have benefited me. And of course, its led me at times to disconnect from myself. Today felt a bit like I disconnected and re-connected again, thanks to doing the things that mean something to me.

So, yeah, a bit up and down. Not sure if its the onset of a flat line. I'm still getting morning wood. As I have rebooted before and relapsed but avoided going back to the 5 times a day PMO habit I'm wondering if it will be the same as previous times? I think I had a full on flat line once. I had a 200 day streak a couple of years ago and had a hellish flat line. Was that enough? Will this one be as bad? Will it be worse? these are questions I ask myself a lot but try not to get too fixated on them. Partly because I don’t know the answer and partly because I can get annoyed with myself for relapsing previously. If anyone does know, feel free to chip in! But either way, all I can do is keep going!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 13, 2018, 04:05:05 PM
Day 21

So after a crap day on Thursday (day of my last post) I had a better day on Friday. But today has sucked. I peeked for a bit an masturbated/edged for a little bit. Managed to stop myself. But pissed off all the same.

I was doing some work for university using my computer. This particular project has been hard but i'm starting to make a breakthrough. My mind was starting to wander and get distracted. On top of that, a friend I was supposed to meet tonight  cancelled due to illness so I was a bit down about that. Anyhow, I letter stupidity get the better of me and started trying to torrent some porn. Watched one of them for about 3 mins and edged a little then pulled myself back from the edge, had a cold shower and went out to the gym and smashed it on a elliptical for half an hour then another cold shower when I got home. Cant underestimate the effect of exercise and cold showers to get you back on track. I also deleted any crap i tried to download and blocked the torrent site.

I think I can pin point what led to the peeking though.
1) I woke up early this morning about 40 mins before my alarm. In a half awake state I touched myself for a bit. In future I need to just get up and go about my day

2) when I was working I should have taken a break when I found my mind wandering. I have been listening to the audiobook of the Will Power Instinct by Kelly McGonigal recently and one recomendation it gives to recharge will power is to go out for a walk. I know all to well I should have done it but pushed on trying to study rather than take a break.

3) After feeling better yesterday, I was a bit of a good feelings junkie. I know this from my cycle of relapse that If i was feeling OK then I would allow myself to "get away" with fapping. But in reality, over the last 20 days i've been much more honestly in touch with my emotions compared to the last 6 months as i've started rebooting again.

So if there are any positives, and I have to look for them, then that’s them. Those 3 things I have noticed. I don’t class this as a relapse. It didnt get to the point of no return. More like stupidity that can be avoided. But he feeling I had after it was awful. Agitated, ashamed, frustrated, angry. It goes on and on. Luckally now I feel better and a bit more focused. If anything its a warning to not get complacent and switch things up when I need to.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 15, 2018, 12:43:38 AM
Seem to be getting waves of insomnia. Especially at the start of the week. Woke up at about 3.30am today and couldn’t get back to sleep. Extra frustrating as I was to be up early anyway (6.15). I do meditation and cold showers to help with it. But it still seems to creep in now and again. Don’t want to resort to sleeping pills but I might have to. Tiredness is a fucker for me especially as It has previously led me to relapse. Does not help with mood either  :-[

I almost wish I could just unplug my brain. My dick is also very sensative and in my insomniac state thats all my head wants to concentrate on whilst simultaneously whirling round a load  of rubbish in my head.

Not a happy bunny!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Reformed Fapper on October 15, 2018, 01:19:41 AM
Ouch thats a real fucker isnt it. It used to happen to me, still does although I dont think its withdrawal related anymore. Id have to get up at 6am weekdays, if I woke up at 3 or 4 Id be so overcome with worry about NOT being able to get back to sleep that Id never get back to sleep. Or Id just sort of drift in and out of sleep in a light doze because I was too scared of falling into a deep sleep and not hearing my alarm! And the clock... oh god, the clock... I swear it was watching me!
It could be a withdrawal symptom, or realted to some other issue going on with you? Something you are undecided about? All of these `mental loose-ends` wreak havoc with your subconcious mind. Anything that you need to think about and solve but havnt yet done so is still somewhere in your mind. In the dead of night they like to come out and piss us off! All that bullshit music that gets stuck in your head at those hours is there to drown out something else.
You might like to try a strategy called `put it in the parking lot`. Have a piece of paper or some digital note taking app, and write down all the things in your mind that you are worried about or have yet to decide upon and put these in parking lot. That way they are out of your mind at least, then when you have time you can consult the list and decide what action to take on them. It might sound a little lame, but its something I still do. Just getting all that mental baggage out of your head and onto something tangible is a loadoff. 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 15, 2018, 04:16:37 PM
I have a feeling its a mix of withdraws and things generally on my mind. Quitting my job, starting university and going in a new direction has been a great change but a big one that has come with its stresses. So i'm aware it is in my mind. As i've done a bit of peaking and edging bit stopped, I think my brain is in a bit of a battle with that as it knows what it wants but its not getting it. Guess it takes time. But I will try writing everything down like you suggest so at least its out!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 17, 2018, 06:20:11 PM
Quick update. I'm on Day 25.

After a bit of a downer of a start to the week, i'm feeling a bit better.On Monday night, after the insomnia of Sunday night, I could feel something was not quite right with me emotionally. I did a bit of journalling in my private written journal. I've been doing this for a while. Anyway, I finished what I wanted to put down then just burst into tears. Felt a lot better for it, but i'm definitely on an emotional roller-coaster at the moment. Its like i'm in and out of a flat line on a daily basis, mixed with he odd bout of tiredness and insomnia. Its quite weird. And its sending me right through the motions. Managed to control peaking this week and touching myself. I'm still getting morning wood. I've also had a couple of random erections for the first time in a good few months. Not even been thinking about much and they have just popped up. I take it as a good sign. Cant say i'm overly horny, or even being triggered that much. But alas, everything is all over the place so just have to ride it out and take it as it comes (no pun intended).
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 18, 2018, 06:28:36 PM
So today was very up and down. Due to having crappy sleep at the start of the week, I let myself have a lie-in. All fine EXCEPT when I woke up I started masturbating. Didn’t orgasm but again I should have just got out of bed and started my day rather than fucking about. Later on i got trapped in a you-tube hole and started looking at material that was a bit triggering. I stopped myself tho. Luckaly as I have open DNS its hard to go further than that and I managed to stop myself from doing that way before it got near it. But I was annoyed with myself. Put me on a massive downer and unleashed a lot of frustration, anger, agitation and annoyance. A trip to the gym followed by a cold shower helped a lot. But its an area that needs awareness and discipline.

I'm definitely in emotional limbo at the moment. Someday feeling good, others feeling detached and despondent and empty, on others feeling angry and agitated and sometimes even feeling racked with regrests of time i've wasted fapping and letting dreams and goals slip by. All over the place! :-(
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 23, 2018, 05:19:26 PM
Today marks day 31. Thats technically a month!

I've come to the conclusion, that although I'm getting some urges and morning wood, i'm in a flatline and have been for a bout a week. I'm all over the place emotionally as well, still. The worst thing I am feeling is moments of extreme regret for the choices i've made in the past. Choices i.e porn that have lead to 1) an abysmal sex life and 2) being alone now. IT comes and goes. But it cuts like a knife when it creeps up. I also get agitated really easily and start catastrophising in my head, more than I ever have before. The fact I meditate helps alot as I can draw on the mindfulness eventually and tame it. But its hard. Its demotivating as well and is causing a lot of agitation and sleeplessness. SO its rough seas for me for a bit at least. I was hoping that the onset of flatline would be some numbness where I was neither here nor there mood wise. But instead my brain is having a riot. Gotta take it as it is, but it sucks! 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Reformed Fapper on October 23, 2018, 08:38:15 PM
Congrats on hitting the 1 month mark!
Its an important part of the reboot (at least it was for me), to never forget the things that have fucked up because of porns assault on your life. But try not to dwell on it too much. Just understand that those things will never happen again as long as you keep with the reboot
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on October 25, 2018, 06:14:05 PM
So today was one of the hardest in a while. I'll cut to the chase, I came very close to relapse, saved largely thanks to a 5k run and a cold shower.

I've had a study week from University and trying to understand something that I’ve been stuck on for a while. So I’ve been in front of a computer a lot and getting frustrated. Anyhow, I started peeking, then a bit of edging. Thanks to porn blockers I cant go fully hardcore. Just brose crap on image sections of search engines. I managed to stop myself before it was too late. But I was annoyed with myself. Frustration really got the better of me. From this I definitely 1) need to go and speak to the lecturer about the area i'm stuck on 2) plan my study days more so i have time AWAY from my computer and 3) Stop fucking looking at porn if i'm pissed off at something!!!

After the almost mess I went for a run then a cold shower. Felt WAAAY better after it AND the thing I was stuck on (statistical analysis in Psychology for anyone interested) started to make more sense as my head was clear.

Its quite shocking how your mind can be doing so well, only to be hijacked and nearly fuck it all up. I think part of me subconsciously is trying to prevent a flat-line. Even though its 1) inevitable and 2) already happening to me, albeit without fully loosing labido - at least the porno sexual labido - and that’s the worst one. I have nit felt this bad in a long time, almost since before I started rebooting 5 years ago!! The thoughts of something challenging nearly made me fall to bits today and again the thought of porn making it all better seemed to creep back in with ease. Its not a nice feeling, especially when My mood goes all over the place like that.

Alas, it was a crisis averted but I need to shore a few things up for sure. Part of my brain still wants porn and its throwing everything at me to try and get it.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on November 04, 2018, 07:01:13 AM
Day 43....and I'm very much struggling on!

Peeking and the odd bit of edging is my major issue at the moment and its almost lead me to relapse. But I've been able to hold back but not without my mood going mental!

I feel I'm in a pitched battle with my brain at times, but its like there are multiple parts to it.

The old brain wants porn. It wants to succumb to its habitual addiction and it wants to see everything as porn. I can barely even look at a nice looking girl at times without being triggered. ANd it starts getting int he way of other things too. When I try and study it rears its head. When I should be looking for jobs it rears its head - in this case, it starts with chronic procrastination then takes me where I shouldn't. ANd I shouldn't not just because of relapse but because I really need a new fucking job!!

The other side wants to carry on with the reboot and when it has the power to do so, I can get quite productive and proactive. This is the part that has ambition and desire and is less and less afraid to show it. When I get any kind of peak flow with it, it feels amazing. Better than any porn orgasm by miles and miles!!!

Then stuck in the middle is the loneliness. This part is the one that wants to feel a connection so sees the benefit of NoFap. But it also wants to be connected so ends up desiring porn and the old ways. The 2 above sit like the angel and the devil on my shoulder. I know what's right, but I also know what's really tempting. On top of this, I am guilty of being a good feelings junkie. When it feels its working and I'm in a flow, I always want to feel like that. But alas, what goes up must come down even if it goes up again. And that's where I think I struggle. I try to accept the disconnection in my life but immediately want the pron back to try and connect it, even though It will lead me to the same place in the end.

I know from this that its imperative to keep on with the reboot. But it is really really hard! No matter how rewarding it will be eventually, its a pitched battle in my mind at the moment.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on November 15, 2018, 05:29:24 PM
Regret to announce I got 54 days but relapsed today. Feel like shit for it :-(

Thanks to twitter of all places, I ended up on porn related feeds, then on a torrent site. Started edging. On multiple occasions heard a voice saying STOP but let it get the better of me. PMO'd twice int he space of 3 hours. Feel like a total fucking loser!

I had actually masturbated and orgasmed on Sunday. I had hoped the occasional masturbation would be ok, even a good way to get a release as I felt a wet dream was brewing and could stay in control. Ideally one day I would like to be able to masturbate occasionally and cum but not fall into a porn oblivion. But sadly the chaser took hold and I let slip.

I can pinpoint what went wrong tho in a way. Obviously, the above has a role to play. But when I woke this morning the thought of touching myself came into my head. Instead of getting up and going about my day, I started to touch myself. I then got up and ate but was lazing around for a while on my computer. Thoughts got the better of me and it descended from there. Even when It got into my head that this was stupid I carried on which is especially annoying as I was getting better at switching off when It started creeping in. I had 101other things I could have been doing, but I fell in the trap. I could have got up when I felt the urge, gone for a run, had a shower, had some food, meditated then gone out as I had some things to do in town. I have a job interview coming up on Tuesday as well which I could have prepared for and Uni work I could be getting on with. But alas, looking at shit online got the better of me.

If I can take one thing from it, then its that I lasted 54 days. Some peaking, edging and a relapse, but its a start after a year of circulated relapse. But it's reminding me of how fucking shit it is when you slip-up.

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on November 17, 2018, 07:56:33 PM
Just relapsed again tonight.

Feel like I cant trust my own brain at the moment. Any excuse to peak and go from there and it just fucking crumbles!

Had a bit of a stressful day at times and have felt like a pent up loaded gun. In the odd moment i've felt calm and clear, suddenly the porn monster appears and I fuck it up again. Feels like i've made a massive mess of it all
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on November 19, 2018, 06:43:22 PM
Unfortunately, my cycle of relapse has continued and I relapsed twice today. Once just masturbating, but another to porn. I feel that in the aftermath of relapsing I got stressed about realpsing again and its just snowballed. Feeling a bit calmer now having had a bit of a think about it all. The big thing that stands out is where my values lie in terms of rebooting. Although I got a 54 day streak, it was becoming alot about abstinence for abstinence sake. Int he process i lost sight of the goals and values i'm trying to create and work towards. I've no idea how long th ecycle will last. Hopefully It wont, but its definately to look at ways to switch things up.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on November 20, 2018, 06:58:48 PM
Managed to complete a whole day today. Was a bit all over the place with bouts of moodyness, but survived.

A big thing thats come to mind today is how porn addiction is a huge representation of my sexual frustration. Once I thought it was an outlet but actually its a perpetual vicious circle. Starting when I was a teenager, bit of an odd kid that never felt like girls were interested in me. I guess I still feel that. But I have no actual proof for it other than clinging to my frustration and slipping back into the old way of PMO. It's probably something I should have realized years ago but it really comes to mind today. And I think that internal feeling has really reflected into a lot of my external life and perception. I see it with a few things in life as well. Like part of me has dreams goals and values, but another part is so frustrated by so much that it all falls apart.

That possibly sounds like I'm beating myself up. I'm not. But I feel a bit of honesty has to be had with myself.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Edit_undo on November 20, 2018, 09:34:24 PM
I can relate to this - the frustration and feeling like the odd one out as a teenager. Some social awkwardness comes with the teenage years for sure but I think getting involved in PMO does invoke some guilt or shame and frustration.  And with those being the so called formative years, it makes sense that some shadow of these tendencies would still be present in each of us today. Looking back, I didn’t want to get to know people too much or didn’t want to put myself out there to meet new people because “what if they find out about my habits?!?” Meanwhile most people MO at that age. This habit/addiction thrives in isolation and undermines your confidence and self worth to the point that it is the most comfortable part of your day, and a seemingly safe place to escape reality when it doesn’t pan out the way we hoped. Plus it’s way easier to PMO than connect with real people.
There’s nothing wrong with some brutal honesty to ourselves if it brings about change or better understanding of ourselves.
Keep at it!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Edit_undo on December 07, 2018, 09:47:23 PM
Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 16, 2018, 10:43:03 PM
Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?

Stuck in a cycle of relpase. As I write, I have relapsed twice int he last hour having gone on a 4 day streak tho had a bit of peaking. Really have no idea how to break this and at the point of giving up. Cant put my finger on what is up or seem to find any kind of sticking power to build up a decent streak. Its a fucking mess to be honest!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Edit_undo on December 17, 2018, 09:52:38 AM
But you’re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the “why” - what’s your end goal of quitting PMO? And remember positive outcomes from other times without using - less brain fog, more alert, more confidence... maybe don’t get so hung up on the streaks or day numbers if it’s going to bring you down.
Any idea what started this cycle? Stress from school or holidays? 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 17, 2018, 05:57:35 PM
But you’re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the “why” - what’s your end goal of quitting PMO?

End goal is to not be controlled by porn and ultimately start having functional, sexual relationships.

As for what caused it, well i'm not sure. There have been some family issues lurking, a bit of stress about money and study and ultimately loneliness. Other than that its just being a fucking addict that loses control. But any excuse and I cave in at the moment. Seem to keep telling msyelf "Just one peek" then it turns into a mess. 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Edit_undo on December 18, 2018, 10:38:15 PM
That’s a pretty good goal.
And stress is a killer. Stress combined with lots of other things going on = lethal.  Stress and loneliness are common at this time of year, no matter how good your self care is. Do you have an escape route for when you are tempted? “Emergency measures” - could be something simple like going for a walk outside or getting out of that room to get a glass of water. Or leaving your computer/laptop out of your room at night to avoid being tempted. Sounds like in the past you used running 5ks and cold showers. At least once you have a plan the only hard part is having the self discipline to follow through with it. Resisting once will set a precedent. Resisting twice becomes a routine. Routines become programmed responses.

Wishing you strength and success.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 27, 2018, 08:39:23 AM
Still in a cycle of repalse. The worst its been in a long time, at least 4 times in the last week. Cant get my head clear, cant seem to build consistency or motivation. Dont even feel bad. Just feel numb. Its pretty horrible! No idea what to do to be honest.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on December 27, 2018, 09:11:33 AM
What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 28, 2018, 07:48:34 PM
What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.

During previous reboots are used to go on there quite a lot. I have read quite a lot of the articles previously and you are correct they are very helpful. I haven't had a look on the site in ages though it might be worth me having another look I suppose. No harm in reminding myself of strategies of others. My biggest problem has been peeking and ageing file speaking. Principally I know that Peeking is what leads to relapse. And it's not something I'm doing as a choice per se, although ultimately I am choosing to do it. But more so as a result of my brain getting the better of me and giving in. Although in previous reboots in previous years I did relapse, I was able to go for a fair stretch of time without Peeking. This has been a major downfall for me this time.

At least I have managed to get through one day without relapse which given my recent issues, is quite an achievement. I really just need to take each day as it comes at the moment. One thing I am aware of is that part of the reason for my relapse recently has been to a lot of stress. There are a few issues in my family, which include the fact I don't speak to my brother currently as cutting a long story short is a bit of a dick. Obviously with it being Christmas time, that had some repercussions. As a result of us being nil by mouth, I wasn't invited to my mum's for Christmas. Not actually a major issue, but for the fact nobody else in the family really made much effort to contact me during this period which is a bit shit. The whole thing was quite stressful and upsetting and it's definitely been at the forefront of my mind. But there is possibly other reasons to and loneliness is definitely one.

But anyway my mind has settled a little bit since my relapse yesterday. I'm starting to see a bit more clarity and feel a little bit more balanced. And at the very least I feel a little bit of motivation to get stuck into reboot again, no matter how hard it is.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 29, 2018, 07:48:50 PM
Well I have made it two days so far.

I've not had much in the way of urges for porn or even masturbation. However I have had urges to pig out on junk food like doughnuts for some reason. But I managed to refrain. I also had the urge to go and buy lots of beer and drink it but also refrained. However I did have a couple of glasses of wine earlier but nothing major. I'm slightly at a loss of what to do to fill in time. Yesterday I had a day out in another city which was good to get away. Today I had a wander around the town that I live in, and did some bits and bobs of shopping. But I am aware are properly need to find something to fulfil myself. I start a new job in a couple of weeks and also start back at university so that will take up some time. I will also need to start flat hunting as I moving to another city which will also occupy my time a bit as well. I'm considering finding somebody that is looking for our flatmate as I think having somebody else around could be a real help. When I think about it, my porn addiction has really got its worst since living on my own. This is when I have had my own Internet connection and all the time in the world to indulge.

This but anyway today has been okay, and hopefully tomorrow will be to. But I just really need to play it by ear and take it day by day. I'm gonna try make the effort to post more on here as well, as I let that slip previously. I also have an accountability partner and that has also been helping as well. Last night I also rule out a bit of a life vision. Nothing massively groundbreaking or earthshattering. But help me remember everything I've been working towards recently, as well as remind me of how far I have come over the last couple of years even if that has included relapses.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on December 30, 2018, 07:04:33 PM
Today was day three of the latest reboot attempt.

It's been quite up-and-down to be honest. Managed to keep myself fairly occupied with some voluntary work that I do plus went to the gym. But this evening has been quite difficult, not so much due to urges more so down to mood. I think part of the is the usual post-orgasmic withdrawal. I had the sort of high from the relapse, but now it's all hitting home. However part of that is due to something else, which in itself I think has been responsible for the latest cycle of relapses to an extent.

Keeping quite a long story short, I had a massive fallout with my brother a couple of years ago. Basically because I was doing some voluntary work that was related to mental health which is something I'm interested in having gone through mental health difficulties myself. It was thanks to no fap reboots in the past that I began to realise these difficulties and took steps to remedy them by seeing a counsellor. My brother took issue with me being open about these things and was somewhat nasty to me. So we fell out. My mom and my sister decided not to get involved, which I can partly understand. However this is largely due to the fact that they often appease him as he's been shit bag to them as well in the past. Anyhow because of the fallout I was not invited to my mom's house for Christmas this year as he was going. I found this out back in November. To be completely honest it's not been an easy thing to deal with. And as Christmas got closer it lingered on my mind a lot more and upset me a lot more. On top of that however no one else in the family actually asked me how I was feeling about it. It was just kind of swept under the carpet. Coupled with this over the actual Christmas period, I have had no contact from my sister. I kinda just wanted to keep myself to myself over Christmas anyway, but this is just completely weird and there's no explanation for it. The whole thing's been fucking with my head for the last month or so but it's got even worse this last week. So I think in part this has fuelled my cycle of relapse recently. And it's been tough. Not just the relapse but the family bull shit as well.

Throughout my life family has been a major cause of stress for me. Going back to when I was younger with the abuse and stress that my dad caused, followed then by the stress of my parents divorcing then my brother being somewhat dysfunctional. My family sweep things under the carpet and are not very good at listening or facing difficulties. Recent events are a prime example. That's not to say that relapsing is their fault. I have to take responsibility for my actions. However I do feel what happened recently has really dragged me down. Today it really struck me that certian relationships have maybe changed beyond recognition, namely that of the one I have with my sister. Previously we used to get on quite well. But since the fall it was my brother she has been a little bit distant, and recent events has really brought that to a head.

So today that's been on my mind quite a lot. I had to text her earlier because my grandad is in hospital. She replied acknowledging the news but when I sent another reply saying that I had some Christmas money for her daughters she didn't bother going back to me. Might not seem a lot, but for me it is a tell-tale sign. I was very upset earlier on. I went for a long walk and found myself in tears on the way home. I felt a bit better for letting it out, but I do feel there is probably more coming. I will be really pleased when this festive season is over and I can get stuck into my new job and back to university! Things I really can connect with, because sadly at the moment family is not one of them.

So that's how I've been feeling today. Not great. But at least it's real. Added to that I have managed not to relapse, although I've not even been thinking that much about poor and really other than the odd flicker across my mind. But I know the next week could be quite tough emotionally, not just with what's been going on but with what I know to expect from the initial withdrawal.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 01, 2019, 06:50:02 PM
Today would be day 5 of the reboot, and happy New Year to anybody that is reading!

Been feeling quite good today actually. Had a good night last night for New Year's Eve. But also managed to sort a few things out with my mum and my sister regarding a bit of a fallout with had during the Christmas period, as mentioned in the previous post. It's taken a bit of a weight off my mind made me feel a bit better.

Not really had much in the way of urges or anything, but have had the odd fantasy flick through my mind. I think it's important for me to remember that whilst I can feel like using Palmer feel really down to feel better, I can also be guilty of moral licensing and allowing myself to have a peek when I feel really good thinking it will have no effect. It's never the case! But I have a lot of things I want to work towards in the next month, that should be setting me up for the rest of the year. An porn really is not something that can help with this at all. In fact it's a given that porn use would be detrimental to success, so in part that's a bit of a motivation for me. But it's still early days, I know those flat lines and all that stuff to look forward to. But despite some hardships over the Christmas period, and feeling at least starting to build a bit of consistency and my brain are starting to fix onto the idea that I want to do this. Not that when I relapsed it's not thinking that I want to do overall, but the old porn patterns are still getting the better of me.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 06, 2019, 05:38:08 PM
So I'm on day nine of the reboot so far.

It's been a little bit up and down the last few days. And there has been a couple times a corpus of Peking and in touching myself. Hard to see how close I was getting to through on relapse, but all the same is bad enough. Peking is my major issue. Giving myself the excuse to have a quick look at something thinking it will be fine, but all the while it will not be at all. It's the classic sign of an addict! You think you're improving in doing so well, then before you know it you get ahead of yourself start doing stupid stuff.

I'm fully aware though that Peking and even touching myself, even if I'm not looking at porn, as a reaction to something. By that I mean a coping mechanism. Obviously I was quite stressed over Christmas time is there was a lot of family things going on. But these last few days I've been quite anxious because I start a new job tomorrow (Monday) and its potentially going to lead to me moving to a new city. Which is a completely new beginning for me. And as bringing out a lot of anxiety. I been especially aware of this because I've been getting up late in the mornings. And in some ways I've been trying not to face certain things that might provoke that anxiety. Even though I'm fully aware that by doing that makes it worse. Not that that's an excuse, but at least let me see clearly that I do use porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism.

Even so, I have managed nine days without any fool on  PMO. I if at the very least this it's helping me start to identify things such as stress and anxiety, it's a start. As when I've been full on addicted all it's done is make me numb.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 06, 2019, 06:27:50 PM
That's right, man. When the brain is starved of porn, it begs you to do anything for a micro-dose of dopamine. This means that things like peeking and edging (which might seem harmless to you as you think you can control them easily) become very tempting and that's how you crack the dam and the river floods everything. That's how I relapsed yesterday. I fell (for how many times?) into this trap of thinking that a little edging will only bring me a little rush but I will stop easily. This led to watching porn and then masturbation. Then you sit there, depressed, asking why you did it. Any peeking, edging, touching your dick (to see if it's working), anything of this kind should be avoided completely. Why sabotage yourself? You have 9 days which is a good start. Don't fall into traps. I did and now I have to start over again which pisses me off. Do you want to know how I relapsed? I was in the middle of an urge and the idea of getting a hard on without touching my dick seemed exciting. Then this led to watching porn and edging which eventually ended with relapse. How many times do I have to do stupid things like that? "See if I can get a hard on without touching myself, see this, see that..." I can't believe it.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 08, 2019, 05:30:55 PM
So today was truly the worst for a while. As peaking an edging nearly led me to relapse, although I managed to stop myself in time. But it wasn't nice. I had a mood like a tornado for most of the day, although it's managed to calm down.

This is the biggest obstacle I have at the moment. Peaking and edging. In previous rebates have been able to kick this fairly quickly, and carry out a relative hard mode approach. Although it must be said I have relapsed, but managed to achieve a lot through such reboots. By the moment I just keep polluting my reboot attempts with peaking and edging. It's really annoying.

I think in some ways I've been using it to cope with stress. I didn't have a particularly easy Christmas due to family politics. I also started a new job on Monday, and had the mother of all anxiety the night before resulting in a sleepless night. However the first day went really well. And it's a job is gonna bring me a lot of experience to help me work towards something I really want to get into, which is clinical psychology. Something I could never have thought of when I was still the worst of my porn addiction some five or six years ago. I also start back at university on Monday, and I'm a bit nervous about that as this semester will be a bit more hard going. So I know I have been using porn masturbation orgasm and peaking and edging as a way of trying to cope with it. But it doesn't cope with it, it just makes it  a lot bloody worse. But this is definitely the biggest obstacle I face at the moment in terms of my reboot.

In general my moods been quite up-and-down anyway. I have also been getting really bad brain fog, I think in that period in a reboot (despite peaking etc) where a bit emotionally hammered anyway. I feel at some point and this can have a massive outburst of tears. When that is however, I'm not quite sure. But when it does God knows will probably feel better, even if just for a little while.

The biggest thing that is annoying me over the last two years of what and so much of my life, I do sometimes feel that letting porn creep back in as it has over the last year or so, and getting back into cycles of relapse, puts all at risk. I really wish I'd kicked this may be two or three years ago. But here I am still plugging away at it. I know it's worth it. I just wish I wasn't screwing myself over so fucking much!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 05:47:36 PM
I have trouble regulating edging as well. I just relapsed 3 days ago because of this. But I always binge when I relapse. That day I didn't binge which gave me urges all day and I binged the next day to satisfy them. Just like that, a roller coaster that only went downwards. I had to get pissed off and start the hard mode to feel some strength.

If I don't go all the way, edging and watching P messes me up for the rest of the day. It does something in the brain or whatever. And I have the great habit of doing this early in the day because I don't like doing it when I'm tired. You may ask why. The biggest reason why I PMO is seeking the greatest "high". That's why I started going days without it just to build up the urges. Waiting days was initially a way to have stronger urges, not a way to quit or reduce. I always look for the "perfect conditions" for me to experience a great arousal and a great O. If I'm tired, I can't really arouse myself too well so that's why I don't do it in the evening. And in the evening would be better because it wouldn't mess up the rest of my day.

But anyway, I was talking about past. Now hard mode and that's it. I don't want that anymore.

The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Peace \/

Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 09, 2019, 01:20:02 AM
The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Without a doubt, this is correct. I know for sure I have been using it as a coping mechanism for other things recently. What is most frustrating tho is that when I stop, like in the past when I have had good streaks, I have been able to sort such things out. SO whilst Porn addiction may not be the cause of depression and anxiety, it never ever helps and only makes it worse. If only I could remind myself of that in the moment tho when I decide peeking and edging would be a good idea. Sometimes I can, but others I really struggle.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 09, 2019, 05:02:20 AM
PMO definitely makes anxiety worse. And you get in that vicious circle: You PMO thinking you relax the anxiety but the anxiety gets worse then you PMO again.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 09, 2019, 05:25:42 PM
Yes I agree completely. It makes anxiety and stress a lot worse by far.

I think part of my problem is to fly relapse early on in reboot attempts, is because after the relapse for a couple of days you might feel down then you start to feel a lot better. And this can go on for about a week or so. In a normal reboot where not peaking or edging, I usually find after two weeks you go om a little bit of a downer again. In some ways this is the start of the flat line and the withdrawals. I'm finding that this is where I start to get a bit jittery, I think subconsciously the one thing for porn kicks in kicks in, to try and take me off any downer. Also sometimes if I feel really good, I think moral licensing gets in the way. This is when I feel because I've done so well, I can almost get away with it "just this once". Either way I end up fucking myself over!

At least that's something I started to notice. I just need to start noticing it when I'm about to start flapping to porn again, then hopefully can stop me in my tracks.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 12, 2019, 06:58:34 PM
Relapsed again to day. Had 15 days clean but fucked it today.

Had a long and tiring but constructive week. Slept in this morning but procrastination took me down a slippery slope.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 14, 2019, 05:44:00 PM
Unfortunately relapsed again today. I masturbated this morning till I came, and then PMO this evening. Feel like such a fucking idiot for it. But I've only got myself to blame.

I have quite a lot going on at the moment. A new job, looking for somewhere else to live in a new city, and I just started university again for this semester. So in a lot of ways I know it's been a coping mechanism for stress. But that's not an excuse!

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is wrong. There is a reason I keep relapsing, but I can't quite work out. Temptation and horniness is not the only one anyway. I am definitely feeling a bit of disconnect and stress, which is quite annoying considering I have a lot of constructive things going on that I do feel connection with. Although I am aware that when I go to university and go to my job and quite happy with things, but when I come back home into my apartment I do start to feel lonely and a little bit like I still have 1 foot in the past. But the same time, this is also been the place to have had the most success on no fap. But then again I could chew my brain up about this round and round in circles.

The bottom line is though I relapsed, I feel stupid for it, but there is no point in beating myself up (or beating myself off, excuse the pun). But it is frustrating especially the seem to still be in a bit of a cycle of this, and I also realised I do feel a bit of numbness about it as well. But tomorrow is another day and all I can do is try and pick myself up again.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 15, 2019, 04:48:22 AM
We will never be able to quit porn for good if we don't move on from the past completely. Right now, I am somewhere in between, that doesn't help nothing. I am in a place between past and the future where I want to change my life. Circumstances make that I can't start my new life yet and I don't know when the fuck I will. I hope in a few months. I'm losing my fucking mind like this. Loneliness is killing me.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 18, 2019, 08:29:49 AM
Relapsed again last night and this morning.

I just cannot control myself. It's a fucking shit mess!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 21, 2019, 03:11:42 PM
Relapsed 3 times in 3 days. Yesterday was especially horrible, but today i relapsed too. I can hardly trust myself at the moment. Its pathetic!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 04:02:19 PM
I know, bro. You lose control and start questioning if you could do it in the first place. This is my 2nd day only, I know very well what it's like to have doubts about the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know if it helps you but we definitely must not binge if we relapse. Once a day and that's it.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 21, 2019, 05:01:12 PM
I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today. In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst. THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!

I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 07:16:40 PM
I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today.
I'm not far from this. Some days ago I went absolutely crazy. I couldn't control my thoughts and I had impulse to come up with crazy stuff and write it in my journal. It lasted a few days then I seemed to return back to normal. That's the problem: You never know how long a phase like this will take. And you know that you are prone to them and you worry about going through one again.

Quote
In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst.
This is like my living-room. I've jerked off to pictures of girls classmates countless times. Facebook didn't exist back then, it was Hi 5. And what's sick is that you meet them when you go to high school and it feels awkward as fuck. Things that are sick to normal people are pleasure for me. This is what fucking porn has done to me. I look at a picture on Facebook, I include the girl in a porn fantasy and then I turn myself on to the max fantasizing about cumshot. What's crazy with addictions is that addicts end up doing the same things. This stuff about jerking off to pictures from social media is more common than we think. What we need to understand is that we are not alone. It's not only us doing this and we are not the most weird guys. I got into Facebook after I finished high school and I had a lot of ex-classmates in my friends list. Then I started jerking off to this girl and I didn't use to do that back in high school. I sent her an invitation to Instagram so I could have access to her private profile and jerk off to the pictures. And the worst part in all this is that I didn't feel any remorse. Okay, I understand social media has turned into softcore porn but I should respect myself better, I should have more control over myself and I should remove myself from this. I don't want to empower that social media anymore by doing exactly what they want me to do: Salivate and jerk off all day.

Quote
THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!
There are so many more destructive things I could do instead of this filth :))))

Quote
I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.
Yeah, man, the mind is the most difficult part of us to heal when it gets sick. It's not like your leg hurts. How can you stop all the chaos in the mind? How can you stop all the anxiety, depression, worries etc. These are rhetorical questions many times.

I'm writing all this because I could relate to it. I wouldn't if I didn't know how it felt. I'm definitely not speaking only from theory read on websites. I don't like telling people stuff like "be strong", "man up" etc. They are terrible things to tell to depressed people and I know that cause they annoy me as well when I'm at the bottom of the hole. So I won't tell you stuff like that. I don't have any advice or anything, I just want you to know that you are not alone cause I'm going through more or less similar circumstances.

Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 22, 2019, 06:18:26 PM
Well I have managed a day without relapse, but to be completely honest it's been pretty shit.

Have been quite anxious all day and somewhat distracted. But this evening has been especially hard. There's so much on my mind anyway, that if it goes to prove anything being a porn addict makes the hard things in life a lot harder. This evening especially though I've just been really really stressed and up-and-down and it culminated in me actually getting quite emotional and bursting into tears. However I must say doing that at least acts as a bit of a release and a let out of steam. Because otherwise it have gone completely mental. However a really long run as well which also helped clear my head a little bit. So feeling a bit better now.

I think I have definitely hit rock bottom though. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And it's not just with other things that are going on. Because life will throw challenges at you, and sometimes they will make you feel like shit. But that's all part and parcel of life. But there's only certain things that will actually make you feel properly like you are buried in a hole with concrete being poured on top of you. In that horrible feeling as a result of relapse and porn addiction is exactly that. Usually it may be happens two weeks into reboot, and if I finally have success on this it will maybe happen again in a couple weeks. But right now while I'm fully conscious of how I felt, I know it's something that I never want to feel again. I have a friend passed away in 2017, it almost feels worse than that. Because I could at least accept that as there was nothing I could do to prevent it. But I know I could have prevented this at least in part. But if there's one good thing at least I felt that the motion and I managed to get out. God knows I've probably got more tears to cry in the duration of this. But if I managed to get some kind of a streak going at least I can start trying to sail away from it.

In a way we kind of need these feelings to really kickstart things sometimes. But the same time it's frustrating because I've been here before, and I know full well I don't want to feel like this again. But my actions can mean that I will. I have so much that I can be working on right now, but the continual relapse and emotional rollercoaster is taking me away from it. And it's not very nice.

So that was today. One of the worst in a long time. But hopefully a bit of a watershed moment as well. I say that with positive that will help me to kick on a bit now. Then again I may be back tomorrow with news of a Relapse. Who knows!?
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on January 24, 2019, 04:28:09 AM
Unfortunately relapsed twice last night. Once to porn and once to just MO.

nightmare!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on March 25, 2019, 05:33:26 PM
So it's been quite a long time since my last post. To be honest I've been incredibly busy, as I moved house to a different town and have also had a lot of work with University. I was also a little bit ashamed to be posting as it was, in a long cycle of relapse. This has been very much often annoyed with some days and even the odd week attempting reboots, the broken up by excessive amounts of peaking.

However, I have managed three days now on the proverbial hard mode. This is the best I've done in a  while, as previous attempts over the last few months have been broken up by too much peeking. That seems to be the biggest downfall. I was even aware wreck sitting doing it basically this was betraying everything I was trying to do. But as I said I managed three days without any peaking, and I intend to keep going as best I can. I'm not gonna lie emotionally I have been all over the place the last three days, and on the day of my last relapse, which happened in the morning I had a massive outburst of tears in the evening. I was basically uncontrollable crying. But I feel so much better for it. However I'm still very up-and-down. It possibly doesn't help either flat at the funeral on Wednesday as my grandfather died last week, which has been quite upsetting as we were quite close, although he was very old. In some way it has brought some sense of perspective. The first couple of days after he passed I was definitely peaking and edging as a way of dealing with ourselves. The resultant relapse however brought a lot of pain. In the midst of it and feel it had a realisation doing these things doesn't ease the pain that makes it worse. There's a few other reasons as well but not gonna go into them. But on the whole there's definitely been a realisation that this is getting me nowhere. I also realise that I harbour a lot of regret for previous failed attempts rebooting. I have previously had some quite long streaks, but the last couple of years I have cycled in relapse a fair bit, with the last year being particularly bad. It's come to the point although I genuinely worry if this continues they will learn all the new opportunities it made for myself. And in the midst of that worry as I mentioned before I run the risk of harbouring so much regret. So I am working to let go of all. Emotionally at the moment is very hard and I am very up-and-down, but I feel in a way I need to feel this is reboots will work best when they allow you to face the honesty in your life.

Anyhow, that is where I am at. I'm gonna try and post a little bit more. But I've never been one to post for the sake of posting. But if anyone is reading, feel free to comment!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 01, 2019, 06:13:36 PM
Well managed to make it to 10 days, and I have successfully avoided looking at any porn, masturbating, orgasm, or relapsing!

I have had quite a lot going on in that time. My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was last week. As expected that occupied a lot of my minds and attention. It released a bit of family politics which was also quite a big distraction, although luckily that didn't become anything in the end. The sorts of things are never fun though!

I haven't really had much in the way of temptation, and any that I have had has been easily controlled. I always forget how good it is when your head is clear of porn, and the temptation of it as well. Although it's only been 10 days, I feel a lot more focused even in a short space of time. That's not to say everything is perfect for that I have found any "superpowers". To be honest I don't believe that rebooting brings superpowers. All it actually does is let you see yourself, albeit eventually, for who and what you really are. As you get free of the porno bull shit track that holds you down and holds you back, you start to realise you're not that bad a person.

Anyway, I don't know if I've been hit by the flat lines yet, which in itself can bring its hardships. I do fully expect that at some point my brain is gonna go mental and start doing the usual rubbish to try and tempt me back into the old ways. I'm aware of another area in my life in the shape of diet and exercise, that could probably do with a bit of improvement. But I am going to concentrate on this first. If I can get 10 days, then in the same amount of time ill be looking at 20,  and another 10 and thats 30 and.... Well you know where I'm going with this! But it's equally important that I just take every day as it comes celebrate each one is a small victory. I think a lot of my previous issues with reboots over the last year is that I get desperate to rack up huge streak because I was getting sick of the place I was at, which is usually the moments straight after a relapse when you feel really shit. The moments after my most recent relapse I felt awful, and I even got quite tearful. The next couple of days as well it felt like shit. But that's improved at least. But I am well aware that there could be some rough seas ahead as I  carry on with this. I have every intention however to stay off porn, no matter how hard it gets.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 06, 2019, 05:17:09 PM
I'm now 15 days into my reboot. Please to report I have not looked any porn, although I did get a little bit carried away earlier on Facebook looking at the profile of quite hot girl I know. But I managed to stop myself doing a stupid. If anything I just feel a bit dumb for getting carried away. Especially as in essence that's the fellow human being, that should be respected!

In general I've been feeling a bit more temptation of the last couple of days, but at the same time slightly desexualised. So I have a feeling of flat line may be coming. And to be honest it would be such a bad thing. This is usually the danger zone time where I can often end up going back to porn because I know my libido was about to plummet, and my brain makes a lastgasp attempt not to let go. At the same time kind of aware that what I am attracted to has gone completely out the window. Hence the de-sexualised feelings. In some ways I think it is a sign of my brain rewiring, because it used all the trash that I've looked at for so long.

Either way, it's definitely a move in the right direction for me is 15 days without any peaking at porn is the best I've done in a very very long time. And it is definitely reminding me as well as continuing to teach me the benefits of staying off porn. I am aware occasionally I get a little bored however. This may be a bit challenging in the next few months as my university will finish for the summer, and I will have a bit more time on my hands. However I am looking for opportunities both with employment and voluntary work that will hopefully plug the gaps.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 09, 2019, 04:58:32 PM
I'm on day 18 now. No relapses or peeking so still going strong in that department.

I've been very off and on temptation. Nothing this got the better of me. But I do find myself there again getting quite intense fantasy, which can be very tempting. I am however, able to let it pass. But it is annoying when it happens as it can stick in my mind for ages. It often seems to happen at the most awkward of times as well, and I have noticed this specially when I am tired.

I have also felt my mood being very up and down over the last few days. There has been points where I've been getting quite jittery and almost paranoid about the littlest things. As if the slightest little issue could bring my whole world down to pieces. There's also been times when I've just felt really sad and that everything I do is pointless. For example earlier I was working on a couple of assignments for university, and I found it impossible to concentrate. I also began to feel everything I was doing was just stupid and completely incorrect and not as good as what other people were doing. Just like this wave of despair descended upon me. It was quite a horrible feeling! It kind of comes and goes. So I have a feeling some kind of flat line is brewing, and with it may come more despair  and depression. It's a reminder that in reboots for me the first few days are always hell, then the next week or two are usually quite good. But then you are hit with another wave of hardship. What I find interesting is in my last reboot attempt, when I reached 50 or so days but was peaking quite a lot I didn't get this feeling. But this time as I have been a lot more strict I am starting to get it. It's definitely a sign of some kind of rewiring. I also find that despite fantasies that come into my head, and really not finding anything particularly sexually attractive at the moment. I feel like I have to convince myself that someone as attractive in a sexual way. I think it's my brain saying to me it just needs a rest, which of course is the whole point of a reboot!

Anyway that's very much just now. A range of slightly strange and strained feelings, and an underlying feeling that it may get worse before it gets better. But I'm not gonna get impatient, or at least try not to. But I have a long journey ahead.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Greenzebra on April 13, 2019, 03:24:17 AM
As someone going through reboot at a similar time as you i can totally relate sentimenal_geek.

The flat line, the emotional turbulence, im there too. All i keep remembering is my sex life since i was 16 years old has been influenced by porn. My wife, now 7mo old.child are and the things ive desired are all a result of this sick need.

Im 30 now and im only just experiencing my adhd in its full capacity. I procrastinate, i cant focus, im always moving... its a lot to take in.

I just keep focusing on that goal of being in a relationship that makes me happy.

School is meant to be stressful... its a lot if work. can you find ways to be happy where you are and be proud of going 40+ days!? The physical pain is enough to stop anyone! I can relate...

Goodluck... we're here for you.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 15, 2019, 03:52:18 AM
Unfortunately despite my best eforts atn intentions I have fallen off the rails. The last three days I had started peaking again sometimes and slightly risky situations when I was at university. And then this morning I masturbated, albeit not to porn, but to the point I orgasm.

It's completely my fault as I let things slip massively. But I didn't enjoy in the slightest. At the moment of climax felt this massive adrenaline rush that made me feel a bit sick. And right now I feel like an absolute mess of confusion and shit.

Thats all I really have to say :(
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 15, 2019, 05:51:11 PM
Relapsed a total of 3 times today....so thats a binge. Pretty disappointing but there is not much I can do. Got to about 21 days in "hard mode" but fell to bits int he end. Need to get it back together and try again. Feel a massive sense of emptiness but also loneliness. Lonely because I did it but also lonely because, well, i'm alone! I've been feeling that a lot recently and its really come to ahead today :-( So its all a bit shit!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 17, 2019, 12:08:28 PM
Relapsed again today after avoiding a relapse but peeking yesterday. Feel like its square one again. One moment I want to kick this, the next i'm a porn monster. I hate it. Absolutely hate it!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: jixu on April 18, 2019, 04:20:50 AM
And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.   No peeking-that is how it starts! 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Georgos on April 18, 2019, 07:20:37 PM
Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 18, 2019, 08:48:14 PM
And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.   No peeking-that is how it starts!

I appreciate that! I relapsed again tonight unfortunately. Im really struggling again. Cant seem to get back to where i was. I feel like my brain is completely at war with me. Like it dosent want to do anything i ask of it. All it seems to want now is porn. Feels a bit like everything has suddenly left me.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 19, 2019, 06:32:46 PM
Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

THis makes little to no sense and really is not helpful at all as its very judgemental. How do you know "posting relapses om here" stimulates dopamine? Are you a neuroscientist? If it did would it really be a problem? Dompamine rewards for doing something positive are in themselves positive. Its the porn use stimulating dopamine thats the issue. Dopamine in itself is just dopamine. And its not your place to dictate what I can and cant write on MY forum thread!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 19, 2019, 06:35:06 PM
So I have managed 24 hours without porn. I was very tempted earlier, but managed to stave off the temptation. This is the start of a very long journey again. It's a journey of start many times before, and it's also one of getting a bit sick of having to keep doing. But I know it's the only answer that I have.

I have been a bit all over the place today, and unsure what to do with myself. But at least in some sense I feel achievement getting through at least a day.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 20, 2019, 03:59:25 PM
Pleased to report so far I have made it a second day porn free. I have had a lot of temptation at times but have managed to hold it together.

Even after two days I feel a little more balanced. In some ways acts as a reminder as to why rebooting is a good thing. Even though I'm not anywhere near a flat line at the moment which will come. I also fully expect I'll get some withdrawals in the next week or so which may put me on a downer. But overall like I said it is a reminder that's staying clean gives huge mental benefit. If only I could remind myself of that in my darkest moments of temptation.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on April 26, 2019, 11:24:18 AM
Unfortunately relapsed today. Urges got the better of me plus having university work to do kept me in all day so I had little escape from the computer. Not that its an excuse but I was 7 days in now thats up in smoke :-(
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: jixu on May 08, 2019, 08:49:24 PM
Hi SG!  Hope the pressures from the University have abated somewhat for you.  It seems like there is always something popping up causing us stress!

Regardless of how you are doing, keep in mind your past successes such as your recent 20 day streak. Like you yourself said, being clean gives you a huge mental benefit-that is definitely the truth. Keep working at it !  Take care 
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on May 12, 2019, 10:19:36 AM
Unfortunately I seem to be in a relapse cycle again. Get a couple of days in then it falls apart. Relapsed 3 times today.

 My vice at the moment seems to be touching myslef, especially in the morning. This seems to set a tone in my mind that doing this is ok but one thing leads to another and, well, you all know the rest. I'm even fully aware that whenI t happens i'm doing something I dont want to. Impulse and stupidity is still getting the best of me.

I think I mabey need to start small. Aim for 5 days and dont think about 90 day streaks too much. If I get 5, push it to 7. 7 to 10, 10 to 15 and so on.

I'm also suffering badly from boredom at the moment and need to get on top of this.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on May 24, 2019, 05:05:22 PM
I have managed to go 11 days since my last relapse, although I have peaked once. But managed to stop myself doing anything completely stupid. So at some kind of progress at least!

My mood is definitely a bit down at the moment though, I'm getting a lot of brain fog at the moment too. I keep mulling over quite a few things in my head although some of it is just complete noise. But anyway 11 days progress for me in comparison to other relapsing I've been through. So my target now is just to try and make another 11 days and see how it goes. I'm trying to keep it as simple as possible. I know there is the 90 day magic number, but I think I do myself a lot better if I keep my target smaller and do a step-by-step.

Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: jixu on May 26, 2019, 06:30:28 PM
Great work SG, keep going.  Agree with the idea to keep it simple.  If you are still battling boredom then maybe try a little change in the routine and challenge yourself in something new and different.  Glad to hear of the progress.       
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on May 27, 2019, 07:16:22 PM
Sadly relapsed tonight after 15 days. Had been peeking yesterday and let my self away with it tonight too. One thing led to another.  bit annoyed but I know all I can do is start again and go day by day. I've been pretty tired over the last few days and think that played a bit of  a part in it. Plus a little stressed too.

 i had planned to go a month then give some online dating a bash. Seems that was not enough of a reward. Its usually the 10-25 days that I find the hardest. and agian that got the best of me. :(
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on May 30, 2019, 04:48:29 PM
Relapsed again tonight. Feel kinda empty and a bit lost. not even uopset, just empty. Constantly feeling alone with this as well. Dont even feel posting here helps anymore. Like no one listens.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Lero on May 30, 2019, 05:20:14 PM
I've had this problem so many times: Having a 15 or 20 days streak only to relapse and then not be able to go back to 20 days and relapse again after only 4. It's frustrating but you are not alone. It's happened to a lot of us. I know you've probably heard this 1000 times but we must not let a relapse go to waste. We need to see what went wrong, to see the mistake and try to avoid it in the future. It's not enough only to say: "Okay, I'll try again." Of course, we must try again but with new information. I haven't been doing a good job at this and I paid the price. Next time I will be more fucking careful.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 02, 2019, 06:28:38 PM
Relapsed again. Im a sad pathetic waste of space. Cant even go a few days now. 5 years ive been trying this and i constantly fuck up. Im a constant fuck up and failure at this and most things in life. 35 little to show, mess of a sex life and hardly any one im close to. What the actual fuck am I?
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Pete McVries on June 03, 2019, 11:45:27 AM
What the actual fuck am I?

Definitely not a sad pathetic waste of space. There is beauty, kindness and strength in you, I'm sure of it. I kindly ask you to stop the negative self talk, it will make everything harder and worse. The solution for your porn problem lies inside of you, you might not have found it yet. It took me 3 1/2 years to manage to cope with the addiction and PIED. Sometimes it takes time. It's a journey. Giving up is really not the answer. It will eat you alive. PMOing while knowing about the dangers and negative effects is like eating rotten candy, you'll get sick of it eventually.

Take care!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 03, 2019, 06:19:03 PM
I have to say I felt awful last night. Absolutely the pits! Feel a little better today, but still quite empty. I've not felt this bad in a while to be honest. It hit me like a ton of bricks within an hour of relapsing. Usually it takes at least a day or so. What was worse is it was the middle of the night. I hardly slept int he end then was up at 5am for work. So its been a bit mad.

I'd previously had an accountability buddy on here but they seem to have gone off the radar and not returned :-( SO i'm going to try and post on this part of the forum a bit more and get more off my chest. Need to switch things up a bit but also take time to see why this keeps happening.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 05, 2019, 04:37:29 PM
Another bloody relapse!

Too much peaking and fantasy,

Back to the start
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 09, 2019, 11:53:12 AM
Made it a day and a half. Feel a bit all over the place, but its a start. I feel I need to dog a little deeper in to feelings and triggers that are keeping me in this cycle. Having had some success a few years ago, it stumps me as to why I now go back to the cycle of relapsing so often. Previous reboots have helped me see things about myself that were causing issues or needed attending to. I sometimes wonder if relapsing after a week or too is an attempt to hijack the chances of doing this again. Like i'm scared i'll find something I dont like, even if what ever I find is the cold hard truth!
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 15, 2019, 06:58:08 AM
Mad it to six days yesterday but relapsed twice in the space of a few hours.

My main issues seems to be procrastination, especially in the morning. If I awake before my alarm, I tend to lay in bed then start fantasising and touching myself. Whilst this may not lead to much in that moment, Later on with out fail I end up peaking and then..... you can guess the rest. THis morning I got up as soon as I was awake, even if that was half 6 on a saturday. I went back to sleep an hour later as I started to feel tired enough to sleep again. So I think this approach may help - get up and go - do something, anything, other than touch myself and fantasise whilst kidding myslef that I can get back to sleep.
Title: Re: Needing to Heal
Post by: Sentimental_geek on June 20, 2019, 06:20:29 PM
SO I have managed 6 days without relapse so far. Its been a bit tough and feeling a bit up and down overall. I've had a coule of days where i've had huge bouts of paranoia and stress. Others when I've been a bit lethargic and somehwat lazy. I have also felt quite emotional at times, including crying a bit earlier. I always find at some point int he first 2 weeks I have a massive emotional outburst at somepoint, and its a healthy thing overall. But today especially, I have had glimpses of feelings of feelings of what can only be described as self pride. Not to say I'm feeling 100% super about everything. But definitely a bit more self accepting