Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: kopp on September 08, 2018, 08:29:04 AM

Title: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 08, 2018, 08:29:04 AM
It made a long time that I didn't have a hurtful relapse.
I relapsed occasionally, but it wasn't affecting me as much as it did in the past, and it was on less hardcore stuff that it used to : sexy pictures of girls were enough.

I never reached the 90 days nofap goal. Well, my best streak is 75 days. In fact I fapped twice in 90 days. I felt like I was OK now and you probably know what happened next.

Since this I didn't try much, having streaks of 10 - 15 days.
I was on day 15 and started desiring sex again. I phoned my girlfriend and MO'd. I PMO'd the next day. 3 days passed and this morning I did it again.
I fapped 5 days out of the last 42 days.

I still have that bad habit: whenever I relapse, I PMO for hours. I tell myself that I won't orgasm and then, after hours, I do. The error is not to cum in the end, the error is to start masturbating.

I'm kopp, I'm here to stop my internet and virtual sex addiction and here are my rules:
I don't touch my cock, only women do.
I don't edge.
I go outside everyday.
I plan my days.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Berens on September 08, 2018, 08:35:12 AM
Good luck Kopp ;)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 08, 2018, 09:08:10 AM
The following are my personal notes about nofap and internet addiction from reading and watching YBOP, nosurf.org and nofap videos from Seth Alexander:

It will take time and work.
There is no short fix.
With time the habit weakens.

Nofap isn't enough. With Nofap my life is now a blank canvas that I must fill. I must create, I can create everything I want.
I won't relapse if I am productive, exercising, meditating, writing.

This is a lifestyle change, not a temporary habit.

Our brains will physically change and adapt to the habits we perform every single day. As a result our cognitive abilities, personality traits and emotional states can all change depending on our habits.

The Net delivers precisely the kind of sensory and cognitive stimuli - repetitive, intensive, interactive, addictive, that have been shown to result in strong and rapid alterations in brain circuits and functions.

Internet changes our brains.
The neural circuits devoted to thinking deeply, with sustained concentration are weakening or eroding.

You must take action. That's the only thing that makes you a better person. Action is the only antidote.

The goal of rebooting is to discover what you are like without porn in your life.
For me it is to discover what I am like without internet and smartphone addiction in my life.

The rules of rebooting:
No artificial sexual stimulation during your reboot. By artificial we mean pixels, audio and literature. No porn substitutes allowed, such as: surfing pictures on social medias or dating sites, Youtube videos, etc.
If it's not real life, just say 'no'.

Time is the most valuable resource we have.

Reading the news is a bad habit.
I must be creating more and consuming less.

Because of PMO, and screens in general, we are suffering from dopamine desensitization.
After rebooting you will be able to read book for hours, sit silently in meditation and feel motivated for your academic and professional work again.

To conclude, here are my personal mantras:

Action is the only antidote.
Motion creates emotion.
Excellence is a habit.

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Quitforeverthenwin on September 08, 2018, 09:37:04 AM
Way to go! Glad you are back to quitting, looks like good rules to me. The above post^ is super useful. "motion creates emotion" I am going to aim to use that today and get to work.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 08, 2018, 10:06:19 AM
Good luck Kopp ;)

Hello my friend. :)

Way to go! Glad you are back to quitting, looks like good rules to me. The above post^ is super useful. "motion creates emotion" I am going to aim to use that today and get to work.

Hey man, thank you I appreciate. I read your last journal post and I think focusing on helping others is a positive approach, it has helped me in the past. And then I read your first journal post and recognized myself in it: just like you I demeaned the severity of my addiction over the years but it lead to rationalizations and relapses. And just like you the quality of my sex life is great when I abstain from PMO and bad when I do it.

Steps I took towards nofap today:
I installed "DF Tube" extension on my browser, which makes Youtube distractions free: remove the comments, autoplay, recommended videos...
I also installed RescueTime to monitor the time I spend on my computer and stayFocusd where I have a list of 'blocked' websites that I can visit only 10 minutes a day. (it only includes youtube at the time)
I reinstalled K9 to block all porn websites.
I want to have statistics about the time I spend on my screens and then want to set goals to minimize this time.
On my phone I'm using SPACE. I set a goal to not use my phone more than 70mins a day and to not unlock my screen more than 50 times a day.

I'm now using both my computer and smartphone in gray scale mode.

The bad thing is that I feel a lack of motivation to go outside or even to get up from the computer for now.

Edit: went outside for the groceries and to pay my rent. It's sunny, I'm going to either read or write on my balcony.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 10, 2018, 01:23:34 PM
Day 2.

Hey guys.
Yesterday I did not turn up my phone before 11am. By 11am I had done more things that the previous day. I realized how much I could get done when my brain isn't confused by a device.
But then I turned my phone and computer on and I suddenly made less things.
I felt like I deserved an hour of break, and an hour became 2, and 3, etc.

No porn involved but far too much time wasted.
I went out, worked out, went to bed early and woke up energized (but sad at the same time), overall it wasn't a bad day but still.

I still have this bad habit of eating in front of the computer. I must become comfortable with eating alone without distraction.

I realized something: once the computer or smartphone is up, it becomes the most "interesting" thing to do, in the sense that it is the most "dopamine generating" thing. Turn it down and put it away and you'll be productive (but anxious after a while, in my case). Turn it up and now everything you have to do is less motivating than the device.

The activities I made on my computer were by far the less rewarding ones but still the ones that I wanted to do the most, that generated the most instant pleasure. And once I'm hooked I become lazy about doing what I have to do.

Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 10, 2018, 01:58:04 PM
You are clearly intelligent and insightful. I’m pulling thought provoking points from your journal and pondering how I might benefit implementing them in my own journey. I have to say that I think you are on to something and I relate a lot with what you are communicating.

Keep going. I’ll be watching.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 12, 2018, 02:50:34 AM
Thank you Stiff. I'm glad you guys are taking value from my journal. If you ever feel bad, send me a PM. :)

Day 4. I'm going to bed early, waking up early, I even had a morning wood this morning and I'm proud about that, it didn't happen in a long time.
I've used my phone less yesterday. Also I spent time with a friend. I don't feel much craving for porn, a bit for masturbation, but mostly for spending time on the internet, no matter the activity.

Friday will be my last day at my current work, and we will celebrate this with my colleagues and friends tomorrow night.
I usually relapse when tired and when I have a sudden change in my rythm so there is risk there.

After friday, a whole new adventure will begin...

Some more interesting stuff I read about recovery (credits to TheUnderdog from YourBrainRebalanced) : https://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

You don't focus on quitting porn so you can finally get to live life after you're recovered.

You focus on learning how to live, how to manage your emotions, how to change the way you think and view the world.

You put all your energy into building the life you want.

This will naturally lead your mind away from porn.

Success is measured by how much your life has improved since you started rebooting.


This is important to me as I know I must change the way I think. I've experienced it it in the past and I know it makes a huge difference. I have to do it again.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 12, 2018, 12:41:11 PM
Hey Kopp,

I too am trying to reduce time online/using my phone in general. I came across something called grayscaling your phone. Apparently a big part of our addiction to phones is the casino like effect we get from all the colors and pretty objects we see.

I’ve been using grayscale for 24 hours and it seriously makes the phone experience less of a suck-you-in type of deal.

Grayscale is just a setting on your phone to change the color scheme to black and white shades.

https://lifehacker.com/change-your-screen-to-grayscale-to-combat-phone-addicti-1795821843

I thought you may consider doing this as well so I wanted to share.

Edit: oh and I can imagine porn being much less appealing in grayscale as well. So it would be an extra step one would have to go through to turn the setting off  in order to enjoy PMO.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Berens on September 13, 2018, 03:35:20 AM
Thank you for recommending greyscale your phone thing. I have set it greyscale and it hurts my eyes . It will be easier to overcome a habit of surfing internet with it.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 13, 2018, 05:17:40 AM
No problem. I do enjoy some youtube subscriptions so I turn it off to view some things but I am going to keep it that way for the majority of the time. That way I will have an extra hoop to jump through if I want to view porn and it encourages less time browsing random internet/social media pages as well.

Sorry not trying to hijack your journal Kopp. Hope you’re doing well and kicking ass.

Edit: that underdog post you linked to is awesome. Focusing on what you don’t want attracts those very things. Focusing on what you DO want works the same way. I started doing manifestation/law of attraction type of exercises a couple weeks ago and have never felt more positive. I had some strange things happen that seemed to really be manifested by my thoughts as well. It seems that way of thinking is really beneficial and I need to focus more on that. Thanks for sharing that post.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 16, 2018, 05:25:36 AM
Sorry not trying to hijack your journal Kopp. Hope you’re doing well and kicking ass.

Feel free to share as many tips as you want on my journal!
I started using grayscale on both my phone and my computer (almost 100% of the time on the phone, more like 60% on the computer) and I agree, it's a super tip!

Can you tell me more about the law of attraction exercises you do and how it manifested in your life? :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 16, 2018, 05:35:13 AM
So, I relapsed. (on day 8 )
How it happened: I was out with my colleagues 3 nights in a row because those were my last days at my job. Which made me tired. And I got sick. My right eye is red and burns.
I felt a lot of pain, and due to tiredness I couldn't think clearly. I lacked energy. So I edged for hours then came. I had no reason nor energy to get out of bed.

I'm not mad about it, just a bit sad. I really suffer right now, it will take a few days to heal, and my priority is to heal. I know I wouldn't have relapsed if I wasn't sick.

Not spending much time on my computer will be hard as I don't have much energy to do anything else and can't go out anyway because of my eye (it's highly contagious).

I'll fast for at least a day to see if it can improve my health. :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 16, 2018, 03:12:19 PM
For the manifestation stuff, watch this.
https://youtu.be/IGglrntR-9M
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 17, 2018, 04:23:26 AM
Thank you man, I'll watch it today when taking a break.

Day 1 again. I'm fine, woke up early. My phone was off and in the kitchen, which made it easy to not grab it at wake up.
The moment I wake up has always been the most dangerous time for me, the one where I'm most likely to relapse. So putting my phone in the kitchen is a hell of a trick for me.
As I said earlier, once it's turned on, it is the easiest source of dopamine in the place. The later I turn it on, the most productive I am in the day.

I started the day by writing my thoughts on paper. I like it and I'm making a habit out of it. It reminds me of 'gratitude journals' (writing in a journal 2-3 times a week about what is going well in your life).

Today I'm reading about stretching and bodybuilding and I have two goals: to get a stretching routine to do in 15-20mins every morning (done already) and a workout plan to execute 3-4 times a week to get some muscle mass.
I want both to fix my posture and get more muscular.

The subjects I want to work on during the next days: nofap and nosurf / internet and smartphone addictions, life vision, money, alternative lifestyles (entrepreneurship, minimalism...), cryptocurrencies, bodybuilding.

And to conclude, something important I realized towards my smartphone use:
It doesn't matter if I use it 15 minutes or 2 hours in a day. It doesn't bring me more joy. The first good use of it is logistics, meeting friends, organizing future outings. The second is calling my girlfriend and keeping in touch with friends that are far away. The third one is about logistics again: metro and GPS applications, mostly.
And I think I don't need more than 30 minutes a day on those 3 things, except calling my girlfriend that I don't count as smartphone use as my hands are free and my eyes not on the screen.

I'd even say that, beyond a certain point, the more I use it, the less happy I am. Because if I used it for more than a hour in the day, it means I binge watched youtube videos or read stuff that I didn't need. And that's the worst use case of our phones: using them to make time pass faster.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Berens on September 17, 2018, 06:48:56 AM
Gratitude journal sounds like a great idea. Keep it up man!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 18, 2018, 05:24:00 AM
This morning I woke up early, my phone turned off in the kitchen again. I did my stretching routine. It feels good to start the day with some exercice, it gives you energy.
Then I went to the library and borrowed a book about blockchains.

My plan for this afternoon is to finish my book about bodybuilding, establish my workout routine and do a workout. Tonight I want to spend some time cooking and calling my girlfriend.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 18, 2018, 10:59:38 AM
If you’re interested in blockchain, I think now is a very good time to start getting involved. I made most of my money by purchasing a good chunk of ethereum last year in March. Paid off very well. We’re close to the bottom of the long decline of the 2018 bear market. I’d definitely be buying crypto at these prices for a long term hold.

Keep it up.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 19, 2018, 04:46:16 AM
I agree, I think the prices are attractive right now. :)

So yesterday I started well but relapsed in the afternoon. Day 1 again.
My situation right now is a bit special, I stopped working last friday so I'm home most of the time.

I'm doing good at the moment, I now know that I must be outside more.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 19, 2018, 01:19:40 PM
I get what you mean. I quit my job in February to start a business and have a lot of down time. It’s tougher than i thought being home all the time. But it’s a great opportunity if we can manage ourselves to focus more on self-improvement and positive things.

I have relapsed many times. When I do I usually feel defeated and miserable. It’s good that you don’t seem to have the same reaction. It usually takes me a couple days or a week to get myself back on track and pull myself out of the bad mental state. When I do I try to remember that this is something that isn’t going to happen over night and I’ve done myself good by avoiding PMO for however long my streak was. If it was a week, two weeks, whatever, I still gave my mind and body a break from the negative influence that is porn. That is a positive and I think cumulatively we will benefit from extended time with less porn usage. Even with relapses we are still on the path provided we don’t give up. That’s the key. They say “progress, not perfection” over and over in the drug rehab programs and support groups that I utilized in the past to get over my heroin and cocaine addiction... and I really think that’s a good philosophy.

Glad to see you back after slipping up. I think a lot of people are ashamed or give up after they don’t make it their first, second, or third attempt. The ones that are successful seem to have at least that one factor in common - they don’t give up.

Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 21, 2018, 08:38:23 AM
When I do I usually feel defeated and miserable. It’s good that you don’t seem to have the same reaction.

I do. When I wrote my post I already had a night of sleep and felt better, but after relapsing I experienced suicidal thoughts that I did not have for a long time previous to that and was very depressed.

I relapsed again today.
I was kinda fine, still spending too much time on the computer and phone but overall doing good at least with nofap. I went to a party yesterday, woke up tired today with no plans and thus no motivation to do anything and I relapsed.

This is my worst state since months, stopping working was a good idea for the long run but right now I don't have a real occupation and this doesn't help.
I feel overwhelmed because I have a million of things to do.

I slowly understand that I must be planning my life much more. I should never be in a situation where I don't know what to do for the day.

Stiffy I admire your courage.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 21, 2018, 02:14:01 PM
And I admire yours. This is more difficult to kick than heroin or cocaine if I am being honest. We are both restarting at the same time. Let’s do this. See you here Monday brother. I’m going camping.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Stiffy on September 26, 2018, 11:53:55 AM
Hey buddy, how’s it going?
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 27, 2018, 03:31:52 AM
Hey :)
I'm a bit lost right now.

A member of my family died last week. I went to the funerals etc

I relapsed this morning. I'm stressed because from this afternoon I'll be with my girlfriend for a week. It's stupid to relapse now when all I had to do was to wait a few hours to make love.
Having no job and no stable rhythm of life - few days alone at home, getting to bed early but sometimes going to party all night, then visiting family for funerals, ...

It's hard.
When I'm disciplined I don't relapse but it's hard being disciplined when you're moving so much, so tired everyday.

September has been my worst nofap month this year I think, with 8 PMO and 2 MO already.. August was only 2 PMO.

On the good side: saw a friend yesterday, will be with my girlfriend for the next days, worked like 4 hours yesterday, I had a long talk with my mum, ... lots of positive things. :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on October 02, 2018, 02:47:34 AM
August: 2 PMO, 29 days clean
September: 8 PMO 2 MO, 22 days clean
I've abstained from fapping 56 days in the last 65 days. I'm currently on day 5.

I have a hard time working those last days, otherwise I'm doing OK. I mean, at least I'm not relapsing.
I worked out yesterday and talked with a friend. Today I see another friend and my girlfriend.
A bad pattern / habit I must break: the more I feel bad, the more I'll isolate myself, etc
Talking to friends help me feel less lonely and motivated again. So: no more staying hours and days without talking to anyone.

Its when I feel the worse that I am the most ashamed and want the less to talk to people (because I don't want them to see me at my worse), but it's also when I need it the most.

I feel good about not relapsing but also feel like I'm wasting my time because I'm not working on my goals and spending time on youtube/internet instead.

I realize more and more that I should treat this not only as porn addiction but rather as internet addiction.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on October 05, 2018, 02:54:44 AM
Day 7 without PMO
Last O was with my girlfriend 2 days ago
I've had cravings for the last 3 days.

I went out yesterday. I feel good.

I've seen a (french) video where the guy talks about sexual energy and refocusing it from sex to other things (ie your goals).
You can achieve great things if you focus your energy on it.
It made me understand something : I'm highly focused on sex. I care a lot what girls around me think about me, I look a lot at the girls in bars - sometimes stopping to listen to the people talking to me, being more focused on a stranger' ass. I crave the validation from girls.
I have insecurities about growing old and no longer be able to seduce sexy girls. Those are just negative thoughts that I must stop.
Part of it is because when I was single I used to go to bars to pickup girls, I have a lot of good memories from this and I kinda miss it.
At the moment I'm self conscious about my body because I'm not as good looking as I used to. (went from too skinny to muscular to normal/thin, my body is now soft)

So... let's focus! (on getting my diploma, spending time with friends, and becoming a MUSCLE MACHINE again!)

Hope you're doing well brothers  8) 8)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on October 05, 2018, 09:26:59 AM
Relapsed today, twice :/

Tiredness from going out + no goal for the day + being horny from chaser effect lead to this.
I don't know what to do or think anymore
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 22, 2019, 03:37:00 AM
Hey guys. It's been almost a year.
My life has changed a lot since. I moved to a new city, in a new flat with my girlfriend, I started a freelancing career. I also had my best streak ever, around 140 days. In fact I think I relapsed once or twice somewhere in the middle but I kept going after that. So yeah, almost 140 days.
Since a month I've been running a bit outside every morning + doing a 45 minutes workout after my run. Best habit ever. Just being outside in the morning is awesome for your mental health and I'd recommend it to anyone.

Another excellent habit has been to write my thoughts every morning and every night. It helped me go from depressed to extremely happy in a few months. I love writing so much now. It's like putting all your negative thoughts to the garbage and making room for positive one instead.

I avoided RN because it worked better for me. Just not thinking about all that stuff instead of being active and involved in the nofap community made it easier. For months avoiding porn was easy - I just had no time nor urge to watch porn.

Still, I relapsed recently. I did bad for the last few days. MO'ing for hours a day to avoid solving a difficult situation I'm in. Also I felt anxiety. After 3 years with my girlfriend, and by seeing beautiful girls in the sunny streets every time I'd go out, I started doubting myself. Was I attractive to these girls? Why are there so few girls in my life? It resulted in me talking to girls online and it was stupid. Huge lost of time. Of Energy. Of trust in myself - why was I doing that? There's nothing to gain.

I've kept on using Rescue time, it's been a year and they sent me a frightening stat: I spent 2x more time on Distracting stuff on the internet (Youtube, twitter, random useless stuff...) than on being productive (I code as a living)

Rereading my journal today helped me, I dropped some good insights in there.

I'll repeat it:

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

It has become even more true for me this year. At my peak, I just didn't care at all about porn, I was just focused on living my life, building my career and my body, meeting new interesting people...

Also, the book The Magic of Thinking Big changed my life.


I'm now officially back on track. Thank you guys for everything. You are amazing people, dedicated to bettering themselves, to go through hell will all the hard times it involves. I love you all and you'll forever be my brothers. May you live in peace, meet the women or men you deserve and achieve all your goals and more.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Quitforeverthenwin on September 22, 2019, 03:53:51 PM
Glad to hear things went so well for so long!

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

Man^ That is a great quote. I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 23, 2019, 02:30:13 AM
Hey :)

Today is... I don't know. I went running outside this morning.
I spent time reading. "The Four Agreements". It's a good book, I had read it a few years ago already and it helped me in the past. It teaches you how you learned wrong stuff about you, how you got limitating beliefs about yourself and how to act now, with 4 easy to understand agreements. I recommend it.

I'm on day 3 of Nofap and day 2 without orgasm.

I'm experiencing anxiety, not too much but still.
I have cravings. For porn and for random stuff. I want dopamine hits. It's hard to work - I want to do everything but work.

Quote
I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.

Yes! Basically I was so busy that I didn't even think about PMO. And it was when I was alone for the first time and had free time that I relapsed.

New belief to instill in my head : I'm a man of high value.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 23, 2019, 03:39:42 AM
I'm supposed to work. I have a hard time focusing. I'm really craving dopamine hits, I've been reading random articles... It sucks. I have to work, come on man, let's go, let's do it, it's not even that hard... it's stressful yes, but not hard...
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Free-man on September 23, 2019, 04:22:21 AM
Sorry to hear about your relapse kopp.
It was a long streak man (140 days)
but it seems that you know how to refocus and go for it.
I really like your quote: The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.
You've got all my support to start again!
Cheers!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Axel_Libre on September 23, 2019, 02:03:45 PM
Hey Kopp,

I read your first page of your journal and I found it very inspiring man. Thanks for sharing.

Your right, when you stop, you commit yourself to a lifestyle change, otherwise centering your life around stopping an addiction gives that addiction even more power over you.

I'll read the rest of your journal later.

Stay strong bro
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on September 27, 2019, 03:05:56 AM
I edged this morning.

It almost always have the same causes:
I went to bed later than usual yesterday, I woke up later, feeling lost and I started using my computer 1 hour and half earlier than usual. (I have a rule of not starting screens before 9, this morning I opened my laptop at 7.30).

I stopped but now my brain is foggy, I'm lazy/lost.

I'll take a cold shower then go to the library to work :)

I want to be serious about NoFap hardmode so even if I didn't O'ed I'll count this as a relapse. So today is day 0.


I'm glad my journal is inspiring you!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 26, 2020, 02:01:05 AM
It's been 8 months. I've been struggling with nofap recently.
I've never came close to my 140 days streak. Recently I'm struggling to even go to 5 days.

I had no job for a month and a half, I have too much free time.
My triggers are always the same : boredom, fucking up my sleep pattern, feeling lonely, being doubtful about my masculinity because of the absence of relationship with girls.

I also realized that a lot of sex with my girlfriends makes me crave sex even more and so I want to fap...

I've been with my girlfriend for close to 4 years. It's a wonderful relationship.
My career became crazy, I'm at the top of the Game, I keep making progress and getting paid better.

I've worked out 69 days of the last 78. I took +3kg (6.6lbs), mostly muscle. I got bigger arms, a wider back, a better posture. I got a haircut, I'm handsome.
I've been meditating 74 days of the last 78. Writing every morning.
I've been investing money, keeping my spending low.

I block social networks on my computer, I just installed an app to block websites on my phone also. I blocked the websites that I relapsed to recently.

I'm starting a new job in a week.
I'll workout even more, plan my days better, invest more. Spend more time with my girlfriends, make sure my friends are happy.

I'M A BEAST!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: jhonjordan on May 26, 2020, 06:52:55 AM
Hi Koop

How good all your progress! Congratulations!

It is the first time that I read your posts and I really appreciate your sincerity, and how you mention various aspects of your life. Those of us who are fighting against this addiction really help us a lot.

I send you a hug! Thank you!

John
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 27, 2020, 01:45:46 AM
Hey John, thank you for your positive energy :)

So it's been 24 hours since my last relapse. I had a headache this morning, I felt very sad. But I woke early.
The day before I stayed in bed, this morning I got up as soon as the alarm rung. That was a good start. The alarm rung, I felt like turning it off and going to sleep and I asked myself "Are you a man or not? Are you a man?" and then woke up.
I spent time writing. I usually write a few lines every morning. Today I wrote two pages. I started by writing how I felt, which was pretty negative but it allowed me to get rid of all those negative thoughts. I then spent almost a whole page writing why I was someone seductive and attractive. The more I do this the more I believe it and the more it becomes true.

I had a very good back, triceps and shoulders workout yesterday. Everyday I look more and more muscular and athletic. I highly recommend working out to every nofap brother. :)

I'm starting my new job in 6 days. I feel OK with that. I want to avoid relapsing so I have a lot of energy and no brain fog on my first day.

I'll repeat something really important that I already wrote here: Internet changes our brains.
Thus, not using internet changes our brains back to a better, clearer state.
Internet is something you have to use sparingly, only in order to achieve a goal.

With a heavy internet usage, the neural circuits devoted to thinking deeply, with sustained concentration are weakening or eroding.
This is something I have to work on. I've struggled on focusing lately. I've had too much free time to fill with dumb shit. I want to be able to focus for long hours everyday again.

I'll probably write some more here today, it helps so much :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 27, 2020, 03:20:14 AM
According to TheUnderdog, the founder of yourbrainrebalanced.com, a forum similar to RebootNation, there are 3 fatal mistakes porn addicts often do:

- Using porn to stop feeling bad. You must accept feeling bad, go through it. Process the emotion and find a healthy way to feel better. Do not run away from reality.
- Being hard on yourself every time you relapse. Not everything revolves around your streak. If you go from porn everyday to porn twice a month, you're already successful. You made huge progress, you're doing good.
- Focusing too much on not watching porn. If you're thinking about not watching porn, you're thinking about porn. As long as porn is in your mind, you will have a lot of trouble letting it go.

As he says:
Quote from: TheUnderdog
Just forget about porn. Disregard it as an option in your life.

Focus your mind on the stuff that matters. Your family, your dreams, your health, your career.

When urges arise, watch them mindfully. Observe them. Do not react. Do not suppress them. Do not push them away.

Just kindly smile and focus your mind on something else.

Watching porn is not an option. It's not a part of your life anymore.

He also suggests 3 methods to quit your internet addiction:

- Cold Turkey: Just don't turn your computer at all. No more than 5 minutes of using your computer per day.
- Seeing the computer as a tool for working and nothing else: Use it for work only. Any form of online entertainment is not allowed.
- Only before X:XX and after X:XX

I've had success in the past with the Cold Turkey approach. My computer was too old to be usable so it was simple to not use it. I now have a modern, light and fast laptop. And I still need to use it from times to times at least. The ideal for the next days would be to use it 3-4 hours per day learning things that I'll soon need in my new job.
So here comes method two. I'd like to see it as a tool for working and almost nothing else.
Method three also has helped me in the past but is not enough those last days.

So here are my new commitments:
- I'll process my negative emotions instead of watching porn to forget them,
- I'll use my computer only after 9am and before 5.30pm,
- my computer is a tool for work, I won't use it for entertainment anymore


I also use my phone for less than 30 minutes a day. I made a habit out of this. I even use it on grayscale mode.
I just turned my computer to grayscale mode.

One question to ask myself when I'm on the computer: Am I productive or am I distracting myself?
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: jhonjordan on May 27, 2020, 06:39:05 AM
Hi Koop!

I see that your intention is to spend less on the internet and only use the computer to work.

There is something that I would like to tell you about habits, when you want to acquire a habit I think the best thing is to start small. You can have a smaller goal to start, for example, every week use the computer for an hour less.
I have found this method to acquire the habit of exercising. I started doing very little and now I have a very good routine.

Also another important thing is to reward yourself or celebrate whenever you can meet your daily goal since the brain associates this reward with the habit you are trying to develop.

I hope it helps!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 27, 2020, 07:51:52 AM
@johnjordan you're right! I've also built a good workout routine thanks to the power of habits (working out everyday, even if it's only for 2 minutes).

How do you celebrate? That's something I struggle with.
For today I'll focus on closing the computer at 5.30. I'll also avoid Reboot Nation until tomorrow!
Tomorrow I won't start it before 9am.

Quote from Seek not to be entertained - MrMoneyMustache.com (https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2017/09/20/seek-not-to-be-entertained/) :

I can definitely relate to the desire for activity. I’m incapable of spending more than an hour on the couch or sitting at the beach. During vacations, I have to find physical work projects to keep myself happily occupied. I’ve discovered that even one day of zero productivity is bad for me: if I stop doing things, I stop wanting to do things, and pretty soon I’m just lazing around on the couch or taking 11 am naps. For me, inactivity leads to a depressive boredom.

It doesn’t matter what you enjoy. It matters what’s good for you.

So if your life needs a boost, try giving up something you enjoy, and replacing it with something that improves your life.


Now that I did almost nothing for 2 days in a row I don't even feel like doing stuff anymore. "Depressive boredom" is the thing. I'll go outside for a walk.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Jeks on May 27, 2020, 02:26:07 PM
He also suggests 3 methods to quit your internet addiction:

- Cold Turkey: Just don't turn your computer at all. No more than 5 minutes of using your computer per day.
- Seeing the computer as a tool for working and nothing else: Use it for work only. Any form of online entertainment is not allowed.
- Only before X:XX and after X:XX


I myself find that internet has too big of a presence in my life and found these ideas most inspiring. Porn and internet addiction are very close to one another and there is a good chance, that when you find yourself having problems with porn, you also have a problem with internet use to a certain extent.

Much strength on fighting the good fight.


Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 28, 2020, 02:08:04 AM
@Jeks I agree 100%! Porn addiction IS an internet addiction! It's all linked to too much dopamine obtained too easily! Porn makes it even worse by linking it to orgasm.

So new decision according to what I read and posted yesterday: I won't spend more than an hour in the couch.

Today it makes 49 hours without relapse. I had little urges this morning.
I again woke up as soon as the alarm rung. I asked myself "Are you a man?" and woke up despite my desire to stay and a little headache.

I started the computer at 8, not 9. Still, it's a progress. I turned it off at 5.30 yesterday, I just checked my phone a bit after my workout.
Also, after waking up I: wrote my thoughts on paper, meditated for 20 minutes, stretched, made 5 minutes workout for shoulders and neck, made a breathing exercise, made a pelvis exercise (in order to learn to control my ejaculation during sex)
Once I'm done writing here I'll go for a 5 minutes cold shower (only cold water!).

The negative point is: I don't know what to do after that. I still feel unmotivated to work / to do anything difficult. I don't have much brain fog anymore but I still have very little willpower. Focusing is hard, I often switch between tabs, open new ones...

Yesterday I went biking with my girlfriend then we had an excellent legs workout. I'm getting stronger and stronger everyday. My body is much better now than it was 2 months ago.

It's been almost an hour that I'm reading and writing on the couch. Time to take a cold shower. :) Stay strong brothers!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 28, 2020, 12:38:47 PM
The 5 minutes cold shower (cold only!) was a huge boost to my energy. It was incredible.
I spent more time on the computer than I was supposed to and stayed on the couch far too long because my desk was taken.

The good parts: I had a very good chest and biceps workout, I was focused on working for 2 hours straight this morning, which is something I was struggling with lately! I'm making progress. :)

An excellent definition of addiction, by Gary Wilson and shared here by DoneAtLast : continued use despite negative consequences.
I kept staying on the computer watching entertaining and useless stuff despite knowing it's not good and hurting my back and my head. I have a severe internet addiction.

Stay strong brothers
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on May 28, 2020, 08:17:51 PM
Cold showers are great and so are good workouts! Keep up the good work
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 29, 2020, 12:26:02 AM
Thank you :)

I woke early and this time I didn't even feel like staying in bed. No more brain fog, no more laziness.
I have a huge energy this morning. I wrote a page on paper, made my small neck + shoulders workout. I'll meditate and stretch and take a cold shower.

I feel much much better.
I don't feel like watching entertaining shit, I WANT to work. I feel a burning desire to do productive things.

I had sex without orgasm last night (my girlfriend had an orgasm, I didn't. I like it this way).

I feel like a beast, I have so much energy, I'm so powerful!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 29, 2020, 02:25:06 AM
I went out for a walk with my girlfriend and I felt so much energy that we decided to go back home, change, come back for a run.

There's a 1.36km (0.84 miles) "circuit" (road) near us and we've been running through it a lot during quarantine. But I had to stop. After hitting a record, I started feeling hurt and I couldn't run as fast as before. I was sad to run slower and slower. I tried beating my record twice and failed twice by a lot. I stopped running.

This morning I beat my record by... 20 seconds. It's huge. I was running so fast, I was a freaking rocket. I'm a champion guys. You are champions
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on May 29, 2020, 08:02:38 PM
You are champion!! Massive congrats on beating that record bro, that's a huge win, keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 30, 2020, 04:58:43 AM
Thank you man!

Day 4
I went out biking with my girlfriend today. Woke up early but not as early as the two previous days.
I felt lazy, I haven't stretched and meditated yet.
I've wasted most of my morning if front of the computer doing nothing. I read about what's happening in America. So many things wrong on so many levels. I started the computer too early. I'm struggling with my "not before 9 / not after 5.30" rule.
Mood is OK, not as good as yesterday but OK.

Yesterday I also had a good back, triceps and shoulders workout.

I'm doing fine, I should be learning a few things before starting my new job but I don't feel a huge pressure to do it... I'll be fine.

Love you guys
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 31, 2020, 01:16:29 AM
Day 5
Woke up early again. I had sexual thoughts and edged for like 3 minutes this morning.
The situation is under control now. I got up, stretched, made a mini workout... I'll go for a walk listening to a book about nice guy syndrom.

Yesterday I had sex with my girlfriend, without orgasm/ejaculation, which explains why I was so excited waking up.
It's better than ejaculating so I'm ok with that. I'll just try to avoid sex today and I should be fine.

My love life is great. My energy is starting to come back. I'm no longer afraid to have to work soon: I know I'll be fine, I know I can focus now.

I feel like conquering the world
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on May 31, 2020, 02:43:58 AM
Quote from Gary Wilson, creator of yourbrainonporn.com, about Edging:

Quote from: Gary
Is edging bad?
Yes, in fact it's worse. The reason is simple: instead of achieving orgasm and ending it, you train your brain to be bathing in chemicals for hours. It's the worst thing you can do, bar none. The worst. If you began and realise what you are doing in time, stop or rush to the end. Whatever you do, don't keep the pace. Most of us weren't addicted to PMO, but rather to PEO.

I agree 100% with him. Edging for hours is worst than masturbating for 10 minutes and orgasming.
No more edging! :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 01, 2020, 01:47:55 AM
Day 6

This is the hardest day of my current streak.
It's been two days in a row that I wake up with sexual thoughts. I've edged for a minute this morning. I kinda wake-up in half-zombie mode and my first thoughts are sexual...
Yesterday I went out for a 1 hour walk, then I had 35 minutes of biking with my girlfriend and 1h of working out (legs&abs), all while fasting.
In the afternoon I was KO, I couldn't focus.

I've been eating junk food recently, because I'm not at my home so I don't always control what food is on the table.
My balls feel like they're going to explode, I have some cravings.

This morning I went out for a run. I'll go pick some strawberries and then I'll workout (chest and biceps).
I don't do anything that involves thinking deep, working, staying focused...
Tomorrow is the first day of my new job, I'll work from home but meet my colleagues at lunch time.

Mood is just OK. Exhausted, not very enthusiastic... not too negative either. 10/20. I can do better, I WILL do better
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on June 01, 2020, 02:46:17 PM
Good luck on your new job haaks.

For the urges.... Why not you get it off and have some good time with you're girlfriend... Since she's available. It'd help turn your attention to her when it comes to sex I think.... That's if you don't have a rule not to have sex

It'd get easier with time. Wishing you another day, week, month of sobrierity. Keep focusing on why you're doing this in the first place

Keep pushing!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 03, 2020, 01:12:34 AM
Day 9

Thank you Chris!

Quote from: Chris Oz
For the urges.... Why not you get it off and have some good time with you're girlfriend... Since she's available. It'd help turn your attention to her when it comes to sex I think.... That's if you don't have a rule not to have sex

That's what I ended up doing :)
The urges were so strong, sex was the only thing I could think of.
What happened is: we had sex 3 times, I didn't orgasm. But I kinda went too far and had "blue balls".
I read that it's possible to orgasm without ejaculating - so you do have the pleasure and you don't have neither the blue balls nor the tiredness that comes with ejaculating. I'm trying to do this but I can't do it so far.

I wanted to avoid ejaculating before my first day of work but I couldn't resist.

So anyway, day 9!
My first day of work went well! I work remotely for now but I got to meet my new colleagues for lunch. They're all very clever, it will force me to step up my level and I will learn a lot.

When I look into the mirror I'm very proud of the progress I made on my body in the last 3 months. I've been working out 77 days out of the last 86 days.
I highly recommend you guys read Atomic Habits by James Clear, it's an easy to read book full of practical stuff to get rid ouf bad habits and build good ones. I took so many good habits due to this book and I also understood better how I could change my environnement and life to get rid of the PMO habit.

Today I want to: sign my contract, declare my taxes, have a good day of work, workout tonight and cook 2 healthy meals. Before work I want to stretch, meditate and take a cold shower :)

Stay strong brothers!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on June 03, 2020, 02:49:14 AM
Hey Kopp,

Your progress in life is great man. Not just getting rid of the porn but your whole approach to changing your lifestyle! I think it's better to focus on all of these new factors in your life than fearing a relapse. It's an inspiration to see how you're developping yourself into a much healthier person in many different ways. Keep on going!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 04, 2020, 12:27:50 AM
Day 10 guys!

Thank you Sanders :)

Yesterday I've been able to focus very well for hours. That's what I needed!
The negative point is that as soon as my girlfriend left the flat, I had urges & was tempted to fap. The fact that I have porn blockers on my phone and computer has helped resist it.
I have big sexual energy today but I should avoid relapsing because I won't be home.

I slept well, mood is good, I'm happy today :) This is going to be a big day.

I also had a good pecs, biceps and shoulders workout. And an intense conversation with my girlfriend. And reconnected to an old friend :)

Keep fighting brothers!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on June 04, 2020, 04:42:44 AM
Wow, I'm proud of you and how far you've gone..... I'm on 10 days too and I'm so happy to say that.

I

I read that it's possible to orgasm without ejaculating - so you do have the pleasure and you don't have neither the blue balls nor the tiredness that comes with ejaculating. I'm trying to do this but I can't do it so far.

I wanted to avoid ejaculating before my first day of work but I couldn't resist.

So about this, I didn't know that were actually possible, I would really love to learn to do this... It'd would help with the sexual experience


Keep fighting man hard man!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 05, 2020, 12:05:44 AM
@Chris have a look at "non ejaculatory orgasm". I've tried but never succeed yet
Thank you :) Keep fighting!

Day 11

I don't have much time to write today but I'm doing well. I had sex yesterday night, I feel fine today.
I had a good day of work, I could focus, I'm happy about that. My colleagues are nice. I've been too shy with them though, I could've spoke more. I did a great job.
Today is gonna go fast: I'll see a physiotherapist, go back home, then go to work, then go to my gf's parents place.

Negative point: I only did a small workout yesterday and I wont have time to do one today either
Mood: 8/10 I feel good
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Doctor Who on June 05, 2020, 04:30:48 AM
I had an involuntary non-ejaculation orgasm last week (before I started this attempt).

I was dreaming about running away from someone chasing me, and I slowly woke up. It was weird, like being stuck between my dream, and being awake. My legs squeezed together, and I felt myself experience an orgasm. I woke up fully with a rapid heartbeat, slight sweat, feeling a little drained, and I checked my boxer shorts, my trousers my bed, and my penis. No leakage whatsoever. Dry as a desert.

So in my case, it wasn't even a sexual dream. Just a normal one, and no leakage. Not sure what happened, except maybe my legs squeezed against something too much.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 06, 2020, 12:51:26 AM
That's impressive and also kinda strange :D

Day 11 (yeah I previously made an error at some point)

I woke up early, energized. I had sex with my girlfriend. We had sex 3 times in the last 6 days and I'm not suffering too much yet. I get a bit tired after sex every time though. I'm less energized than when I woke up.

I had a good day yesterday: time at the physiotherapist (I'm in much better shape than I was 6 months ago and my back is stronger and almost never hurt anymore), good day of productive work and good meal with my gf's family yesterday night.

Today I want to do a back workout, less heavy than usual, focusing on form as my physio suggested.
I also want to do more neck exercises :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 06, 2020, 02:12:07 AM
So today marks my 90th day of working out, it's time for a checkup.
I'll put a before/after picture of my torso, ignore this post if this is a trigger for you ;D

https://i.postimg.cc/qv0kYNzv/before-after.png

I'm not flexing in either of the pictures.

You can't see it because of the before picture but I have a wider neck.
I have wider and more defined shoulders, less fat on abs. Arms are bigger even if it doesn't show much on the picture but I def notice it when I flex them in the mirror.
My pecs are less flabby.

I lost fat and took +2kg (5,5lbs). It's not much, I could get more mass eating more food. I practice Intermittent Fasting (don't eat in the morning) so there's that.
I was not in total control of the food I ate lately, I would've been less fat if I did.

I have a more athletic look overall. You can't see it but I have bigger legs and calves and above all a wider, more muscular back. My abs are bigger but there's still some fat above them.

Including the workout I'll do tonight, I'll have worked out 80 out of the 90 last days (sometimes only for 2 minutes, sometimes for 1 hour)
I didn't take it very seriously, I indulged in much more bad food than I usually do (due to the quarantine) and didn't give 100% of my energy at every workout.
I could have done better. I'm pretty proud of how consistent I've been though and I feel much more athletic now!

Let's make the 90 following days even better :)
My goal is to gain 3 more kg (6,6lbs) of mostly muscle and look defined.

Stay strong brothers!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 07, 2020, 02:22:11 AM
Day 12

I had an excellent workout yesterday.
I sleep very well and wake up energized.

Today I'm cooking for 12 people.
Before that I'll get another workout.

Mood is excellent. I'm fantastic. Have a great day guys!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 08, 2020, 12:52:58 AM
Day 13
Excellent workout again yesterday.
Cooking for 12 was a success, everyone enjoyed my dish (chicken curry).
I played a lot, was outside a lot.

I'm more tired than usual but still with an excellent mood.
Today I'll simply be focused on work. I enjoy my new job a lot, the team is so cool!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 09, 2020, 01:01:24 AM
Day 14
No workout yesterday.
I'm feeling bored, I lack motivation to stretch and meditate. Maybe it's the dopamine receptors going back to healthier levels which is good news.

I'll stretch and meditate anyway. I'll workout tonight. I'll focus on work today.

Keep fighting guys, I love the genius energy of this place
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on June 09, 2020, 02:52:01 AM
I lack motivation to stretch and meditate

As Shia LaBeouf once said: JUST. DO. IT! Seriously, if it helps you watch his encouragement video :) Cool that you've anyways decided to do it, hope you'll keep the motivation and focus to continue. All the best man! Your usual excellent mood definitely helps.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 10, 2020, 12:46:42 AM
Haha I can still hear Shia shouting JUST! DO IT! in my head
Sanders the book "The Magic of Thinking Big" has played a huge role in me having a better mindset and mood, I strongly recommend it :)

I didn't stretch nor meditate yesterday. I know why, I know the pattern: I started using my computer far too early in the morning. (first thing in the morning, before doing my daily habits).
I still had a good day of work (kind of) and an excellent workout. I also invested in stock market and my girlfriend found a new job!

Day 15

I changed that today. I did all my daily habits before starting the computer. That's much better. :)
I'm proud of being at day 15, I previously had numerous relapses after 5 to 10 days. I had morning woods those last days which is something I'm not so used to.

I wake up less enthusiast nowadays but it comes back later in the day. There's been no sun for the past 3 days, I haven't been out much, that could be one reason.
I'll take a 5 minutes cold shower and I'm pretty sure all my energy is going to get back!

Stay strong guys!!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on June 10, 2020, 06:44:32 AM
Hey I'm really happy things are going well for you Kopp, I think to a great extent books also have Influenced me and is still influencing me.

Im also happy your girlfriend got a new job, you invested in the stock market and your days are getting easier to handle.

I might start looking ahead to restarting my exercise routines too.

Keep pushing back!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: smitdum on June 10, 2020, 09:35:56 AM
hey kopp
great to hear your story.  stay strong.

Absolutely loving this forum.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 11, 2020, 01:35:18 AM
Absolutely loving this forum.

You guys make it so worthy to be there!
Chris yes exercise man and tell us about it!

Day 16

Ok so yesterday night I got kinda depressed. All it took was spending 2 hours on twitter instead of spending time with my girlfriend.
Social Medias are so negative and depressing recently. I blocked twitter from my computer again. I'll have to find a solution to block it on my phone also as Block Site (app) is no longer working on my phone.

I woke up lacking energy and feeling lazy. I went for a 40 minutes walk and I feel much better.
I'm craving dopamine since a few days now - less willpower to do what matters and more cravings for bad stuff. No cravings for P though which is a victory. I notice that I struggle more with screen & internet addiction than with porn now (for years it was both screens + videogames AND porn)

I'll be extra careful from now on. I'll repeat my rules:
No screen before 8am (it was previously 9 but I start work at 9 and I enjoy writing here in the morning)
No screen after 5.30pm
Computer is for work only. Phone is for socializing only + music during workouts. No entertainment.

Reminders:
Inactivity leads to a depressive boredom.
It doesn’t matter what you enjoy. It matters what’s good for you.
Internet changes our brains.

The more I use my computer and phone, the less happy I am.
The less I use my computer and phone. The happier I am.
The more I do activities that don't involve screens, the happier I am.


I meditated less those last days, I want to go back to 20 minutes of meditation or even more (the longer I did was around 25 minutes, I'd like to be able to do 30, even 60!)

See you tomorrow guys!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 12, 2020, 01:16:38 AM
Day 17
The day started great. I set my alarm to 15 minutes earlier than usual. Woke up early, energized. No more brain fog nor negative thoughts. High energy, decent willpower and drive. Morning wood.
I respected my rule to not touch the computer before 8.

I went out for a walk with my girlfriend and it was marvelous. It was like I had new eyes or saw colors for the first time. Everything was beautiful. The sun, the clouds, the mountains, the fields, the trees and their fruits... It was beautiful.

And then she fucked up everything. We had a 40 minutes walk. I listened to her and attracted her attention to positive things for 35 minutes because she was feeling bad due to difficulties with her main group of friends.
And then she went into stupid crazy mode. I told her she had some responsibilities in what happened and she simply told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore and walked away. Fuck that. I'm tired of that shitty attitude. It happens far too much: criticize legitimately a bit of her behavior and she'll take it as a personal insult and amplify it 10 times, talk about everything she did wrong in her life and fuck everything up.

She simply had a problem with her friends and then she ruined both meals with her family and I yesterday and this morning she was suicidal and wanted to leave me and then she fucked up our walk. I'm so done with her attitude.

I have so much energy. I'll workout like a beast tonight. I'll have an incredible day I'm sure. I hope you're all doing great!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 13, 2020, 02:21:24 AM
Day 18
Very good work out yesterday, I'm more and more athletic everyday.

The situation with my girlfriend got better, her friends ended admitting they were wrong, she got support, she told me she was sorry.

We had sex twice yesterday. This morning we cooked a meal together. We plan to bike and then workout this morning.
I woke up early, energized and happy - happier than the last days.

I also want to reevaluate some part of my life: my current habits, my plans for the next months.

I'm doing great.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on June 13, 2020, 11:56:37 PM
Hey great story kopp. I'm glad you got things settled with your girlfriend. I love your energy levels man. Keep it up.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 14, 2020, 03:20:17 AM
Day 20 !!

Thank you Chris :)

Yesterday I had a good arms workout, my biceps feel bigger today! I bought a new, well fitting shirt, spent time with my girlfriend and her best friend.
I had sex this morning.
Then I went for a walk with my girlfriend and her mother - 1 hour of walk under the sun.

I'll workout the legs later this morning.

My motivation to do productive things is so so, I haven't been as hardworking as usual regarding my daily habits (I kept working out - I didn't meditate & stretch and other tiny habits and I stopped writing in the evening).
I need to reevaluate my habits, I'd like to add one to be more social (like contacting 1 friend everyday) and one to work on a video course.
My will to live is high and my mood is excellent though.

Sex is always like that: I feel good but lazy in the sense that I spent some precious energy. I think that after sex the body feels like he accomplished something huge and there's no need to "hustle" anymore. I'm fine with doing physical stuff (working out, biking...) but lazy to do what requires being focused.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 15, 2020, 01:17:24 AM
Day 21
I'm back at my place, alone. I had urges yesterday night and this morning. Loneliness is my #1 trigger it seems.
I anticipated by making sure my blocking sites app was working on my phone.
I let the urges pass. I'm doing fine.

I had a good legs workout yesterday, shorter than usual because I had less strength this time.
I had a one hour walk, I spent time playing outside...

Today I'm going back to work. It feels fine, I like my new colleagues and I've been working well last week.
I'll meet with my brother either tonight or tomorrow.

I've completed all my morning habits this morning :)
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 16, 2020, 01:07:47 AM
Day 1

Yesterday was a good day: I worked well, I've seen new colleagues, we had a drink together and then I went playing volleyball with friends in a park.

I relapsed this morning.
Triggers were:
- seeing sexy girls in the park. Seriously there were a lot of girls walking dogs, doing fitness or running in fitted clothes...
- waking up alone, tired, feeling lonely.
- realizing my blocking app was not working: I immediately thought "ok let's profit from it, let's look at stuff just for a minute"

As soon as I woke up I started fantasizing and edging without a screen.
I then lied to myself, telling myself I'd just send a message to my girlfriend. Very bad idea. This lead me to use my phone, noticing the blocking app wasn't behaving normally and that I could profit from it. I told myself "just have a quick look" and then I was trapped... I wanted more and more and more.

Thoughts:
You have the choice between approaching women (hard, risky, takes a long time before you have sex) or PMO (easy, fast, unlimited experiences, never rejects you). I understand why P is so attractive.
Of course approaching women is the right choice: it teaches you courage and a lot more, it leads to no longer being "needy", it forces you to better yourself, you develop real relationships...
But what to do in my case? I have a girlfriend that I love, I'm just away from her for a few days.

Seeing all those beautiful women somehow hurts me every time. I feel frustrated. I had a few girlfriends but I've never been the kind of guy that attracts a lot of women. It hurts my self confidence. I don't know who to talk to about this. I have a beautiful girlfriend, why isn't it enough? Why do I feel like I'm not attractive and not existing to women in general?

Every time I see a beautiful girl I wonder if she's attracted to me - if I'm attracting to her. And I never know. And I feel bad for not knowing.
I feel beautiful when I'm alone in front of my mirror. I feel non-existing around girls.

I never experience this when I'm living far from the city and I see very few people. As soon as I go back to the big city... boom. So many beautiful girls in every kind of shape, style, skin color...

I'm experiencing chaser effect right now.

Conclusion:
"Messaging my girlfriend" is not an exception to my "no screen before 8" rule. It's just a trap, a lie I tell myself.
Loneliness is nothing. PMOing won't help - it just gives a temporary, poor quality relief before making the loneliness worse.
All I had to do was to go out of the bed. That's it.


I'm sad about my counter.
I'm happy about my life.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on June 16, 2020, 08:47:05 PM
I'm sorry about the ralpase man... You really went a long way. I don't really understand why you're in this state of being bothered by beautiful women around you... It's hard to also understand it if your girlfriend is beautiful too.

It's normal to get attracted to sexy girls, beautiful and interesting girls dressed in an arousing way...nature right? Yeah
It's just how it is. Lusting over them is to be expected when you entertain thoughts and dwell on their looks.

And it's good you know it's a trigger for you. I feel you need to know how to:

1. Avoid or get around this trigger so it doesn't make lead to strong urges, so you don't dwell on the thoughts and create fantasies that's drive you to want to use P
 And
2. Formulate a plan on what to do when the urges are actually there, how to deal with it. Maybe masturbate and then go exercise or visit a friend. Or you come back here and read up osts about people that'd encourage you to keep fighting.

That's what I can say. And don't be too discouraged. Just keep fighting, keep trying.. One day it'd all come together. You'd just realize it's been a 100 days you haven't watched porn and then 256, a year.... And it gets easier.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on June 18, 2020, 06:19:22 AM
I'm sad about my counter.
I'm happy about my life.

Great awereness. I can imagine it's a shit feeling now, but you can put it in perspective. Just a bump on the road, you're still going towards the right goal!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on June 22, 2020, 01:12:42 AM
Hey Kopp,

Hope you're doing well, missing the excellent days :) You came so far already, you can do even better!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 23, 2020, 12:51:34 AM
Today is day 6

Chris, Sanders, thank you for your support, it means a lot.
Chris, I've always been attracted to women... which is a good thing in general... But early experiences of rejection in life altered the way I was thinking about women. I'm doing better now, I still have some work to do about that.

I've been doing great. I work well, I keep working out, I spent time with my brother, I'm teaching my girlfriend's cousin how to swim and I play with her family. I love them.
And I love my girlfriend so much.

I'm alone at my place again. I woke up and thought about women I used to know, but not in a lusting way this time. I was curious what they could have become, why we were not speaking together anymore.
I zapped every light sexual thought as soon as it was coming.

Then I read a bit and went out. I did my first pull ups and chin ups of the year. 6 series of 5-6 chin ups then 4 series of 4-5 pullups.

I feel amazing and in love.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on June 24, 2020, 01:12:46 AM
Day 7

I met with a friend yesterday and we had an awesome time.
But I then slept 2 hours less than usual.
I went outside to workout and stretch this morning.

I spent 20 minutes watching sexy pictures.
Triggers are always the same... poor sleep, a bit of alcohol yesterday, loneliness, screens too early in the morning.

I feel tired but OK overall and it's still early in the morning and I already had a workout, what a wonderful life I'm living
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on July 03, 2020, 02:19:23 AM
Day 9
Times flies. I'm moving a lot between two places, it makes being consistent harder and sleep worse but I'm doing okay.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and we still love each other a lot. I'm happy about my relationship.

My muscular gains kinda got paused due to not staying at the same place for more than 2 or 3 days recently but at least I kept the habit by doing mini workouts everyday. I made 6 series of pushups yesterday and I plan to get a full back, triceps and shoulders workout tonight.

I've been feeling a lot of mental fatigue and dopamine desensitization - once again due to have just too much things to handle and too much short term emergencies.

I've been working for my new job for a month now and I enjoy it. I have a 6 months freelancer contract that I hope to keep for more than that. I'm well paid and enjoy my work.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on July 03, 2020, 07:23:00 PM
Keep at it man!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on July 06, 2020, 01:35:07 AM
Day 12

I've done a "dopamine detox" those last two days: very limited usage of screens and embracing boredom.
I used my screen only to read a workout program on one day and to read about investing the next day. Very limited usage of my phone - I just listened to a podcast yesterday. I finished a book, read the whole workout program and started another book.
I've had a 20 minutes meditation session 2 days ago and a 30 minutes one this morning.
I love it so much! It resets my brain, it sets it up for happiness.

I had a one hour walk with my stepmother while my girlfriend was out with a friend of her. I enjoyed it, she's really interesting and I like her.

I've also had good workouts and good times with my girlfriend. And I'm helping her cousin learn how to swim. And I've helped my brother understand some computer programming concepts. And he agreed to join a boxing club with me in September. I'm so happy about this.

Oh yes I never said it but, 90% of the times I workout, my girlfriend works out with me. It's a good moment we share together.
Getting a more muscular back helps me having a better posture.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on July 06, 2020, 10:38:32 AM
Hey man,

Steady progress I see :) Interesting how much you can actually achieve without screens, I should cut down a bit more too. Filling your head up with new and positive things will more and more push the porn out hopefully. So much time and good activities in your life! I'm happy for you.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on July 14, 2020, 06:15:18 PM
I'm having a go at limited screen use too. I think it would be great for me. Hope to hear more from you Kopp
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on July 15, 2020, 01:14:15 AM
Hey guys :) Thanks for your support.
I'm on day 21.

I'll post more later but for now I just want to say I've been doing great so far.
I'm afraid for tonight though. I'll be alone for the first time since my last relapse. I already feel urges this morning - and my girlfriend is still with me for now.

What I plan to do when I get home:
Meditation - 20 or 30 minutes
Workout - 45 minutes (chest & biceps)
Eat and then read. Cut screens at 8, be in bed before 10

Every time I have a strong urge: I'll post here
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on July 15, 2020, 09:41:05 AM
Hey Kopp,

Happy you're back! Even better to see you're already three weeks without porn! Good luck tonight, seems like you're ready for anything!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on July 22, 2020, 06:50:58 AM
Hey Kopp,

Happy you're back! Even better to see you're already three weeks without porn! Good luck tonight, seems like you're ready for anything!

I wasn't in the end.
I experienced the strongest urges I had in years that night - I was shaking a lot. I relapsed. I did nothing of what I said I'd do.

Thinking about my life has been really painful lately.

On the positive side: I got braces to fix my teeth. Eating is painful and I lost a decent amount of weight in 4 days - I had struggled to take that weight on for 4 months... but hey, I'll get a good smile out of this. I keep on working out, not as good as before but I keep showing up.

I still relapse but not often, and always due to feeling and being lonely. I understand more and more that my real problem is internet addiction more than porn now: I don't watch porn often but I do spend far too much time on internet...

My girlfriend has been wonderful to me lately. I love her so much.

I'm afraid for the future of my country - it's becoming more and more violent and full of idiots.

I'm on day 7. I've been clear 32 days out of the last 34.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on July 23, 2020, 03:03:05 PM
Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear what happened. There's a bit of a change of tone in your entry compared to the happier earlier ones, I'm happy though to see that there's positive sides as well! Cling on to the great things and forget about the things you can't control. The future of your country, US?, is something that nobody can really control. I can't really imagine the reality of it though, I can only see it through the media's portrayal.

I hope you can refind your happy spirit again. You're still a great guy and working to become even better. Mind if I ask about the loneliness? Is it corona-specific or are you facing other difficulties in your life? I have similar feelings sometimes, it's though. I can be with a group of people but I don't really feel like I belong. Pretty strange.

Anyways, best of luck again, I like the 32 out of 34 mention. Not looking at the setback as a total failure, you've been so many days without!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on July 25, 2020, 03:28:43 PM
Sorry about you relapse kopp. I love the positive spirit. Let the love from your girlfriend drive you to keep working hard to quit porn, to improve and make you a better man.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: kopp on August 24, 2020, 01:18:27 PM
Hi guys, I don't have much time to write here but I'm doing very well. I'm on day 39, clean 65 days out of  67. Chris, Sanders, thank you for the support, you are amazing people!

Quote from: Sanders
I hope you can refind your happy spirit again.


This is now my top priority and I'm going to work on it :)


I'll come back to answer your question about loneliness, and to catch up on your journals!
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Chris Oz on August 24, 2020, 03:44:55 PM
Wow, nice one.
Title: Re: Joyful journal
Post by: Sanders on August 25, 2020, 12:42:07 PM
Hey Kopp,

Welcome back again. You're back on track and made a lot of progress! Keep on going :)