Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: MinneapolisGuy on August 14, 2018, 11:54:13 PM

Title: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 14, 2018, 11:54:13 PM
Hello everyone,

After years of doing research about porn addiction, PIED and lurking in the shadows reading countless of stories about other guys who have struggled with those things, I’ve finally decided to try and take a more serious approach to end my own personal struggles with those same very demons.

My struggle with porn addiction and PIED has been a 10-year long battle and has been something that I have never shared with another human being be it in real life or online.

I am a 36 years old virgin who has never had a girlfriend, dated, kissed, or touched a female in an intimate way in my entire life.

I just recently had a birthday a few days ago and decided that speaking my truth and sharing my experience with others is something I feel now is absolutely necessary for finally ending my issues.

But what mainly inspired me to stop lurking on various internet forums and share my own experience was when I accidentally ran across a post by a member here named DepressedAndOut. After reading his story and realizing the incredible amount of almost mirrored similarities of his struggles and my own, I decided I too should be brave enough to share my own experiences without feeling as though no one could ever understand me.

I grew up in a poor and mostly fanatical religious (Muslim) household where seemingly everything under the sun was considered a sin that could potentially send you to the hell. There was regular TV shows me and my siblings couldn’t watch, movies we couldn’t go to, music we couldn’t listen to, and most importantly school which we were not allowed to attend because our parents didn’t want us to be exposed to sex education or dating.

As a child, the only time I actually attended public school ever was for a very short time in Kindergarten. Other than that, I have spent almost my entire childhood and teenage years isolated and unable to socialize with others my own age. No parties, no prom, no dating, no first kiss, no nothing. As a kid, I wasn’t even allowed to go outside without being with my parents because I was made to believe that the outside world was too unsafe. The only time I was able to have a friend and hang out at their house was when I and my family lived in an apartment building where I befriended another Muslim kid who lived there too until he moved away after about a year later.

I’ve also been homeless with my family many times which led to never having a sense of stability within our family. By the time I turned 16 yrs old, we had been homeless 16 times. As I got into my teen to adult years, there was an increasing amount of arguments within our household that seemed to only get worse year by year. That was something that also caused a great deal of stress for me personally.
At about the age of 16 or 17, my mom decided to buy us our first computer and as you would probably assume, this would be the beginning of where things would take a turn for the worst. As someone who had already spent their entire life without the ability to socialize like a normal person, I begin to spend most of my time on message boards with others, desperately looking for interaction just to feel like a normal human being. Not too long after this, I began to discover and slowing but surely get into internet porn.

In the beginning, my porn habits were not too serious as I would only watch them here and there thinking that it was something that would never actually become a problem. Fast forwarding to the age of 26, this is where everything for me came to be what it is today. After even more years living the same life, feeling lonely, isolated, and still living at home with a highly dysfunctional family, everything just felt worse and this is where I began to drown my personal sorrows in porn.

During this time, I would I begin to use porn and masturbation almost every day, even multiple times a day just to make myself feel some relief from the life that I’ve hated living. I would look for it like a drug, whenever or wherever I could get it. Waiting for family members to leave the house, waiting for everyone to fall asleep at night, etc.

Then suddenly one day it happened. After one of my multiple masturbation sessions on a particular day, I noticed after I had finished there was something that felt different about my penis. Normally after masturbating, my penis wouldn’t fall completely limp or fit it did,  I would simply be hard again in another 15 - 30 minutes. But this was no longer the case. Now the only way I could achieve an erection was from manual stimulation.

But even after all that, I still didn’t stop. I would continue on with the same habits until one day, I noticed I couldn't even achieve a full erection even with manual stimulation. But as much as I became scared by this, I still continued on with my porn and masturbation habits. This would continue on for several more years to the point where even the typical material I would use, no longer excited me anymore.

This lead to feeling further depressed, scared but also confused as I began to question myself as a man. But again, as you probably guessed it, that didn’t stop me either. I continued on desperately trying to achieve the same type of satisfaction I had previously with PMO to the point that it even led me to another “genre” that would become my new favorite and have me questioning my own sexuality at times.

During the last couple of years, I have made several attempts at stopping PMO, telling myself that “this was the last time” but I’ve always ended up lasting no longer than 4 months.

It almost feels like no matter how hard I try to get away from this, there’s a monster pulling me back to it.

I apologize for the length of this post. Thank you all for listening.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on August 15, 2018, 01:08:17 AM
Thanks for sharing, MG. It's a good step. May I ask, are you still a follower of Islam? Or is it that you must appear to be in order to stay connected with your family? I'm asking because I had a friend who was in that situation and he had so many problems from living a double life. I think isolation is a huge part of this problem. His situation was impossible because his family believed in arranged marriage, but they wouldn't arrange one for him, but they wouldn't allow him to date or find a girlfriend either. He was in a prison. Very sad.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 15, 2018, 11:09:03 PM
Hi malando,

Thanks for the reply. No, I'm no longer a follower. Although, I did have to keep up that image for a while though. Right now, quite a few of my family members are no longer associated either.

The most difficulty has always been with my father who still is and will at times try to find whatever way he can to make suggestions or out right preach to me about religion even though I've told him that it's made my life miserable. It's still very stressful to deal with, but nothing like the situation you described.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 16, 2018, 10:39:56 AM
Is there anyone here who can give me some advice on dating while dealing with PIED?

There's a girl I'm very interested in that goes to the same gym as me. She's been coming there for probably a little over a year now but we've never really interacted much until lately. I now feel about 90% sure that the interest is mutual and I really want to pursue her further. But at the same time I'm also very scared that if we do end up in a relationship, I won't be ready to perform when/if that time comes around.

All advice welcome. Thank you.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on August 16, 2018, 12:33:22 PM
Obviously I'm in the same boat as you, but if that was me, I will go ahead and ask her out.

I personally don't believe that virgins and individuals with little experience, that are in their 30's, will ever recover without a partner.

The effects of unwiring alone is not enough to recover, you need the human interaction and intimacy to induce positive hormones that would build the women/sexual pathways and also in turn those hormones would melt away the porn/negatively associated pathways - therefore rewiring is imperative.

I feel envious that someone is interested in you and that you are interested back -must feel good.

Good luck with it.


Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 16, 2018, 05:37:41 PM
Obviously I'm in the same boat as you, but if that was me, I will go ahead and ask her out.

I personally don't believe that virgins and individuals with little experience, that are in their 30's, will ever recover without a partner.

The effects of unwiring alone is not enough to recover, you need the human interaction and intimacy to induce positive hormones that would build the women/sexual pathways and also in turn those hormones would melt away the porn/negatively associated pathways - therefore rewiring is imperative.

I feel envious that someone is interested in you and that you are interested back -must feel good.

Good luck with it.

Thanks for the reply. I'm not 100% sure just yet, but I feel like I'm probably correct with my assumption. And yeah, I think you're completely right about the rewiring thing. It's just that I'm so scared of things going completely wrong and being abandoned. But then again, I guess that type of thinking is probably one of my problems too.

Don't feel envious though man. I really think one of the biggest problems for guys like us is that we don't socialize enough. I know I don't. A lot of that has to due with PIED but for me, it was also the fact that I suffered most of my life with extreme acne that severely hurt my confidence. I've made some good improvements with my acne in the last few years but the feelings of self doubt still lingers greatly.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 22, 2018, 08:10:35 PM
At day 49 now and during the previous 2 days I've experienced some semi decent erections on about 3 different occasions. They've all went away fairly quickly but, it's better than nothing. Haven't had any today though.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 06, 2018, 06:50:23 PM
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?
 
I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on September 06, 2018, 08:29:17 PM
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?
 
I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
I don't think it's a good idea to just do a total data dump on anybody - that is, telling them your entire life story in one hit. It's very easy to scare somebody off - even if your story is pretty mild. You've got to not overwhelm a prospective partner with too much at once - even if they seem to be wanting to hear it all. I think you should disclose things gradually as you need/want to. For example, now that you've opened the door on your childhood and she's asking about it, you could share some details about that. Talking about PIED can wait until a physical relationship seems imminent. Just make sure you're not relapsing at all when you broach this subject because there's a big difference between somebody who has quit porn and is recovering, and somebody who is actively still hurting themselves with porn. If you can say you've quit, and your functionality is going to return, there is light on the horizon. Virginity? Who cares. It's a much bigger deal for you than it is for any woman.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 06, 2018, 10:03:22 PM
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?
 
I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
I don't think it's a good idea to just do a total data dump on anybody - that is, telling them your entire life story in one hit. It's very easy to scare somebody off - even if your story is pretty mild. You've got to not overwhelm a prospective partner with too much at once - even if they seem to be wanting to hear it all. I think you should disclose things gradually as you need/want to. For example, now that you've opened the door on your childhood and she's asking about it, you could share some details about that. Talking about PIED can wait until a physical relationship seems imminent. Just make sure you're not relapsing at all when you broach this subject because there's a big difference between somebody who has quit porn and is recovering, and somebody who is actively still hurting themselves with porn. If you can say you've quit, and your functionality is going to return, there is light on the horizon. Virginity? Who cares. It's a much bigger deal for you than it is for any woman.

Hi malando,

Thanks for taking the time for the reply. Yeah, I see your point about the whole data dump thing. And it does make sense to not even mention PIED until when/if necessary. And no, I haven't relapsed at all so far. I'm currently a little over 60 days into my current reboot and have virtually no interest PMO at the moment. And even though I've felt like that before during some of my previous reboots, I can say for a fact that since being in this woman's presence I haven't felt this disinterested in porn since probably over a decade ago.

The one thing that's really bothering me though is that when during one of our conversations, she asked how long had I been single and out of embarrassment and fear of judgement I just said that I had been single for 5 years. I know it's not the worst lie in the world but I still just felt really bad about it.

And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on September 07, 2018, 12:02:24 AM
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: UsualMood on September 07, 2018, 12:14:22 PM
Good luck with the subject mate ! It brings so much courage to the rest of us seeing other people getting out of this...! Keep us updated if you can..!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 08, 2018, 12:12:15 PM
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 08, 2018, 12:16:32 PM
Good luck with the subject mate ! It brings so much courage to the rest of us seeing other people getting out of this...! Keep us updated if you can..!

Hi UsualMood,

Thanks so much. And yes, I will try my best to keep this thread updated as much as I can.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on September 08, 2018, 05:12:14 PM
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
There probably is a bit of both, yes. But mainly it exists in the mind of the male virgin. Even though macho types will give a guy a hard time about being a virgin, they don't put a lot of thought into it. It's one of a thousand different ways that some guys express their insecurity and seek to boost their own ego. It usually declines sharply in a man's 20s. Unfortunately for the victim of such teasing, it can result in an OCD like reaction - to the extent where a male virgin can become so obsessed with being a virgin he will create incredible narratives around what it wrong with him and what sets him apart from other men and why this situation will never change. It's an obsessive belief that the subject is unable to successfully challenge and debunk. To everybody else, it really not a big deal at all. Even if they find some amusement in teasing somebody about it.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 09, 2018, 10:55:07 AM
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
There probably is a bit of both, yes. But mainly it exists in the mind of the male virgin. Even though macho types will give a guy a hard time about being a virgin, they don't put a lot of thought into it. It's one of a thousand different ways that some guys express their insecurity and seek to boost their own ego. It usually declines sharply in a man's 20s. Unfortunately for the victim of such teasing, it can result in an OCD like reaction - to the extent where a male virgin can become so obsessed with being a virgin he will create incredible narratives around what it wrong with him and what sets him apart from other men and why this situation will never change. It's an obsessive belief that the subject is unable to successfully challenge and debunk. To everybody else, it really not a big deal at all. Even if they find some amusement in teasing somebody about it.

This really changes my perspective on things. Thank you so much.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on September 09, 2018, 11:53:37 AM
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)


Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 09, 2018, 04:47:15 PM
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)

Were you mocked by guys? girls? or both?

Also, have you ever personally told a female that you're a virgin? And if so, what was the response?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: imaquitter on September 09, 2018, 05:17:18 PM
Why shouldnt girls feel the same as guys about dating a virgin?
I think you have a gift that you can experience the real thing for the first time. Especially if you are porn free!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on September 10, 2018, 12:54:11 AM
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)

Were you mocked by guys? girls? or both?

Also, have you ever personally told a female that you're a virgin? And if so, what was the response?

By guys.

I've never told anyone about it. (well, apart from hinting it to my GP and psychotherapist when I saw them for depression)
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mousemat1 on September 10, 2018, 01:37:59 AM
I think there are very few women who would mock a guy for being a virgin. If I was with a woman who did, then I wouldn't want to be with that woman. No women have ever asked me if I was a virgin. No women have ever asked how many other women I've slept with. You've made this a much bigger issue than it needs to be, in my opinion.

I understand the pressure we can put on ourselves about losing our virginity. When I was in my late teens and still a virgin, losing my virginity became a kind of obsession. I just wanted to know what having penetrative sex with a woman felt like. I created a lot of needless anxiety for myself over it. 'Will I get hard?', 'Will she think I'm the best?', 'What if I cum too soon?'. When it came down to it, everything just worked. Evolution has been programming us for this very act for hundred of thousands of years. What was the first time like for me? It was an anticlimax. My friends, who boasted about their sexual exploits, had made it sound like a semi-religious epiphany. In reality, I made some ugly faces for about five minutes and ejaculated. Of course, it felt different to masturbation (I really liked the girl, there was an emotional connection), but ejaculation is ejaculation. I've had mind blowing orgasms through masturbation. Penetrative sex isn't always earth moving.

People will always find something to mock others about. It's usually the immature types. They can always find something to deflect their own insecurities. How often do we hear people being mocked or bullied for being bald, ginger, too fat, too slim, gay. Fuck them! You can't please all the people all the time. Reality is relative.

If I were you I would try to develop relationships/friendships with women. They aren't just a set of holes. They have brains, opinions, emotions, and when you connect with them on that level then sometimes sex is just something that flowers out of those conditions. It will be less stressful for you because when you have developed an empathic relationship with someone then they are more inclined to overlook any lack of experience.

Also, when you lose your virginity nobody can tell! There are no outward signs on our bodies which lets people know that the deed has been done.

It's very easy for me to say, but I know the reality is very different, however, you need to stop giving yourself a hard time over this. Stick with your reboot. That way when the moment comes you'll be ready. Good luck!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 11, 2018, 01:58:08 PM
Why shouldnt girls feel the same as guys about dating a virgin?
I think you have a gift that you can experience the real thing for the first time. Especially if you are porn free!

Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 11, 2018, 01:59:30 PM
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)

Were you mocked by guys? girls? or both?

Also, have you ever personally told a female that you're a virgin? And if so, what was the response?

By guys.

I've never told anyone about it. (well, apart from hinting it to my GP and psychotherapist when I saw them for depression)

I'm sorry to hear about that man.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 11, 2018, 02:31:01 PM
I think there are very few women who would mock a guy for being a virgin. If I was with a woman who did, then I wouldn't want to be with that woman. No women have ever asked me if I was a virgin. No women have ever asked how many other women I've slept with. You've made this a much bigger issue than it needs to be, in my opinion.

I understand the pressure we can put on ourselves about losing our virginity. When I was in my late teens and still a virgin, losing my virginity became a kind of obsession. I just wanted to know what having penetrative sex with a woman felt like. I created a lot of needless anxiety for myself over it. 'Will I get hard?', 'Will she think I'm the best?', 'What if I cum too soon?'. When it came down to it, everything just worked. Evolution has been programming us for this very act for hundred of thousands of years. What was the first time like for me? It was an anticlimax. My friends, who boasted about their sexual exploits, had made it sound like a semi-religious epiphany. In reality, I made some ugly faces for about five minutes and ejaculated. Of course, it felt different to masturbation (I really liked the girl, there was an emotional connection), but ejaculation is ejaculation. I've had mind blowing orgasms through masturbation. Penetrative sex isn't always earth moving.

People will always find something to mock others about. It's usually the immature types. They can always find something to deflect their own insecurities. How often do we hear people being mocked or bullied for being bald, ginger, too fat, too slim, gay. Fuck them! You can't please all the people all the time. Reality is relative.

If I were you I would try to develop relationships/friendships with women. They aren't just a set of holes. They have brains, opinions, emotions, and when you connect with them on that level then sometimes sex is just something that flowers out of those conditions. It will be less stressful for you because when you have developed an empathic relationship with someone then they are more inclined to overlook any lack of experience.

Also, when you lose your virginity nobody can tell! There are no outward signs on our bodies which lets people know that the deed has been done.

It's very easy for me to say, but I know the reality is very different, however, you need to stop giving yourself a hard time over this. Stick with your reboot. That way when the moment comes you'll be ready. Good luck!


Thanks so much for the advice. I really hope I didn't give off the impression that I'm just trying to establish a relationship with this woman with the sole purpose of just getting to have sex because that's certainly not the case at all. Sex is just one of many things I want to experience when it comes to feeling like a normal human being.

And I think you're right about me being harder on myself than necessary. But unfortunately for me, I've always had a bad habit of looking at things from a kind of worst case scenario perspective as a way protecting myself and I do think that mentality has done more harm in my life then good.

I also think that as I've gotten older, I've developed a more of a sense of urgency as I worry the older I get the weirder I would seem. Even though I felt similar when I was in my 20's, back then I didn't seems to be as worrisome about it until I became 30+. I think as I've gotten older I've seemed to worry a lot more about not wanting to be that cliche 40 year old virgin, as silly as that may sound.

Thanks so much again.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mousemat1 on September 11, 2018, 02:42:14 PM
You absolutely did not give the impression that you were just after sex. I know you don't feel that way because I've followed your threads. I just used that example to try and illustrate that when we make those important connections then people are more forgiving about our performances.

We are often our own worst critic.  :)

Sometimes it feels like the whole world and his cat are against us so the last thing we need is to be against ourselves.

Good luck and I'm really looking forward to reading your success story!!!   ;)
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 14, 2018, 03:51:06 PM
You absolutely did not give the impression that you were just after sex. I know you don't feel that way because I've followed your threads. I just used that example to try and illustrate that when we make those important connections then people are more forgiving about our performances.

We are often our own worst critic.  :)

Sometimes it feels like the whole world and his cat are against us so the last thing we need is to be against ourselves.

Good luck and I'm really looking forward to reading your success story!!!   ;)

Thank you my friend. :)

And yes, you are absolutely right. I now know that I really have been my absolute worst critic.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery as well.  :)

Thanks again
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 17, 2018, 05:48:59 PM
A day 76 right now.

Over the last 6 or 7 days my penis has started to feel more responsive here and there. I've had a few erections on some days. Nothing lasting to long or that strong but they have popped up here and there. In addition to that I've also noticed that I'm starting to have more nocturnal erections which are now happening almost every night. These aren't super strong either but I have notice that they are generally stronger then anything I usually experience in the daytime and can be anywhere from about 70% to 80%.

Had an alarming dream a few days ago though of something related to some of the old fetish material I used to watch. This was a bit cornering at first but I've only had 2 cases where something porn related has appeared in my dreams during my current reboot so I guess it's not that bad.

Something else that has happened a few times that is related to the woman I've talked about before though. There have been a few times we've talked over texted and the conversations ended-up becoming very sexually charged. This happened last night and I ended up becoming very aroused but never at any point did I think of porn at all. This left me horny for the whole night with a decent nocturnal erection lasting for most of the time during my sleep.

Overall though, I've begin to feel more responsiveness in my penis. For the first time in years, I started to notice my penis having a reaction when I think about a woman. There are still times where I will still feel the dead dick feeling though so I definitely still have a long way to go.

One thing I am wondering though. I know that generally during a reboot we're supposed to avoid fantasy but I'm wondering in my case if the times when I thought about this woman or the few times I've received sexually charged texts did any harm to my reboot or not?

Thank you all for listening.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mousemat1 on September 18, 2018, 02:49:35 AM
Well done on hitting day 76!

I think you are showing some positive signs of recovery. I've had some similar developments but I'm still not healed.

Fantasy is a bit of a grey area, I think. Fantasising about porn is definitely not a good idea as it just fires up the old porn pathways.

Fantasising about possible relationships with real partners might not be so bad. I honestly don't know. I think fantasy has slowed my reboot down but I think that's because my fantasies often revolve around a fetish.

Anyway, well done and keep going!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 24, 2018, 11:44:39 PM
Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Reformed Fapper on September 25, 2018, 01:17:19 AM
Its good that shes told you up front about this anyway.
Youre on day 83 and getting some strong visual stimuli-free erections. Since shes offering herself it might be a good opportunity to test your progress, if its just an in-out-in-out type of thing with no strings attached.
She is very easily letting you have sex with her, so she just wants a good time.
But, you mentioned wanting something serious. This is a dilemma. On one hand you have a free ticket to hit it and quit it, but on the other you might not want to lose your virginity to someone who has no problems in opening her legs to men just for the purpose of getting herself filled. Such women might not be the best to commit to.
Having said that, however, if you do choose to take her up on her offer make sure shes clean first.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mousemat1 on September 25, 2018, 01:23:36 AM
Don't tell her about your PIED. If you have any problems she will put it down to performance anxiety, which is quite natural.

If the lady in question would like to have sex with you and you with her, then I don't see any problem. As for waiting for a partner who would like something more committed, I think this has to be your choice alone. You obviously have very personal reasons for hesitating and so I think you should just follow your instinct on this point.

Good luck!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 25, 2018, 10:55:36 PM
Thanks for the replies guys. I'm on day 84 right now but currently, I've started to feel the dead dick feeling again during this past 7 days or so which is really frustrating after having had felt those great improvements.

As far as the woman is concerned, I was actually texting her last night and decided just to tell her everything about my life since she had said preciously before said that she really wanted to know everything about me.

After she read what I had told her, the next morning I received a text from her that was probably some of the most caring and understanding words I have ever been told by anyone in my life. No judgment whatsoever.

As far as the sex thing is concerned, I'm still not sure where this might go. We've actually known each other for about a year now, but just didn't talk that much until the last 2 months due to me never really feeling comfortable around other people, especially woman. But during these last two months, we've really hit it off extremely well.

I would really love to have a relationship with her, but she's revealed to me that she too has been dealing with major emotional struggles from her past that mostly revolves around previous abusive relationships. There's a part of me that kind of believes she would like a relationship with me too but is just very hesitant when it comes to trusting men. One thing I know for sure though is that we have developed a bond with each other that is definitely mutual.   
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Reformed Fapper on September 25, 2018, 11:08:54 PM
Thanks for the replies guys. I'm on day 84 right now but currently, I've started to feel the dead dick feeling again during this past 7 days or so which is really frustrating after having had felt those great improvements.

As far as the woman is concerned, I was actually texting her last night and decided just to tell her everything about my life since she had said preciously before said that she really wanted to know everything about me.

After she read what I had told her, the next morning I received a text from her that was probably some of the most caring and understanding words I have ever been told by anyone in my life. No judgment whatsoever.

As far as the sex thing is concerned, I'm still not sure where this might go. We've actually known each other for about a year now, but just didn't talk that much until the last 2 months due to me never really feeling comfortable around other people, especially woman. But during these last two months, we've really hit it off extremely well.

I would really love to have a relationship with her, but she's revealed to me that she too has been dealing with major emotional struggles from her past that mostly revolves around previous abusive relationships. There's a part of me that kind of believes she would like a relationship with me too but is just very hesitant when it comes to trusting men. One thing I know for sure though is that we have developed a bond with each other that is definitely mutual.

Thats great news, then. She might still be unsure of men and fearing another absusive realtionship with you. However, now that she knows you dont fit the description of woman-beating douchebag, she might change her mind. She might come around after a while and realize shes met a great guy!

[Moderator's note: Offensive content deleted. You are getting close to a ban, RF. Your language is juvenile and pointlessly graphic. Clean it up, or find another forum]
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: HumbleRich on September 26, 2018, 01:51:06 AM
I completely disagree with Reformed here.  And dude, do you have to be disgusting? 

Having a  casual relationship is not what you should do.  You have  already said that what you want is a relationship.  Having sex with this woman will just make feelings stronger and make it that much worse when she doesn't change her mind.

You habe to be honest with her.  You habe to be a man and tell her you are attracted to her, but sorry, no relationship, no sex. 

Don't push yourseof on her.  Don't be manipulative.  Don't force her into anything.

Mame it ckear that you are not one of those creeps and that you want her, but it has to be a relationship that goes somewhere.

Let me know if I am putting words in your mouth, but it seems that you want a relationship , marriage, the works

Fucking this woman is absolutely the worst thing you could do.

Rich

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on September 26, 2018, 12:48:06 PM
Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone

You don't have to answer this, but did you get any sort of erection while doing that? It's really giving my anxiety about how my dick (or mind) react once I get intimate with a woman and, as our stories are similar, I was wondering what the outcome was.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: imaquitter on September 26, 2018, 03:39:37 PM
Quote

[Moderator's note: Offensive content deleted. You are getting close to a ban, RF. Your language is juvenile and pointlessly graphic. Clean it up, or find another forum]

Thanks Malando! When we are escaping porn we should not have to face it in writing here!
And Reformed, you don't need to be rude and disgusting to encourage others. You have some good comments too, keep it on that line, please!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 26, 2018, 08:41:02 PM
I completely disagree with Reformed here.  And dude, do you have to be disgusting? 

Having a  casual relationship is not what you should do.  You have  already said that what you want is a relationship.  Having sex with this woman will just make feelings stronger and make it that much worse when she doesn't change her mind.

You habe to be honest with her.  You habe to be a man and tell her you are attracted to her, but sorry, no relationship, no sex. 

Don't push yourseof on her.  Don't be manipulative.  Don't force her into anything.

Mame it ckear that you are not one of those creeps and that you want her, but it has to be a relationship that goes somewhere.

Let me know if I am putting words in your mouth, but it seems that you want a relationship , marriage, the works

Fucking this woman is absolutely the worst thing you could do.

Rich

Hi Rich,

It's still a bit complicated. Yes, I want something that is considered official but at the same time, I don't want to come off as being judgmental with someone who hasn't been with me.

In an ideal scenario, I would like all of those things in life. But at the same time, I've always felt myself that I would never want to get married or have kids if the situation/relationship was not truly ideal for that. Those types of worries from me stem directly from growing up in a dysfunctional household with parents who were almost always miserable and are now divorced. On top of that the divorce rates in general are very high which is worrisome, imo.   

So maybe she just feels similar when it comes to official relationships labels because of her past experiences as well? She's told me that a relationship is something she wouldn't mind but just isn't looking for right now. This is something I would never try to force as I would never want anyone trying to force anything on me either.

Actually, the more I'm starting to think about it, the more I think I don't necessarily need conventional labels when nothing about my life as ever been conventional anyway. What I think the real concern for me right now is if it will just be me and her. Label or not, I just don't want to be giving my love and attention to someone and they're giving it to someone else.

We've talked a little about this over text, but have agreed that this is something that needs to be discussed in person.   

Thanks so much for the reply   
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 26, 2018, 09:20:25 PM
Day 83

This is an interesting update to say the least. Last week, I met up with the woman I've mentioned here before. I was telling her about my upbringing and she jokingly asked if I was a virgin. I said yes, but she didn't believe me at first but when she did, she was a little upset that I didn't tell her before and said that she wasn't so sure about being my first as I would become emotionally attached if things were to be done and over with. But even after this conversation, we still ended up making out in her car and fondling each other. Also despite that fact that we get along great and really like each other, she told me to my disappointment that she isn't looking for a relationship at this time due to her past bad experiences.

However, now she saying that despite the fact that I'm a virgin and I may become attached, she'd still like to have sex with me.

But, here is my dilemma with this situation. There's a part of me who despite being highly disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship, still wants to just go ahead and have sex with her anyway.

Then there's another part of me that thinks that maybe I should just say no and try to find someone else who would like to be in something committed like I would prefer? 

And on top of all of that, I still haven't told her yet about my PIED issue which is currently very unpredictable.

Any and all thoughts or suggestions on this?

Thanks again everyone

You don't have to answer this, but did you get any sort of erection while doing that? It's really giving my anxiety about how my dick (or mind) react once I get intimate with a woman and, as our stories are similar, I was wondering what the outcome was.

I'm actually glad you mentioned this as I got so caught up with the other stuff that I almost forgot to talk about it at all. 

To answer your question, I'd have to say yes and no. I got a bit of an erection when we hugged outside against her car and I grabbed her butt. But when we got back in her car and started making out and fondling each other, I really didn't get hard at all, which worried me. However, I did notice that after I had left and went back home that there was a decent amount of pre-cum stained in my underwear. So while I didn't get the feeling of an erection the whole night, I did get some sort of sexual response.

In fact, just today I actually saw her and she playfully sat on my lap and what I noticed later after going to the bathroom was that there was a bit of pre-cum on my penis even though I don't remember becoming aroused earlier. It's almost like my brain likes it but my penis just hasn't caught up yet.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 03, 2018, 12:21:02 AM
Day 90

This is the first time during a reboot where I can honestly say that I haven't done any cheating. I feel in complete control and have no desire for porn. However, the problem is that I also seem to have pretty much no desire at the moment at all. This is pretty frustrating seeing as how some weeks ago I had been noticing an increase in both desire and responsiveness.

I know this is how these things work sometimes but it's still frustrating to feel those improvements one day then they're gone the next.

Does anyone know exactly how to tell when you're no longer in flat-line? Would it be the presence of consistent desire, morning erections, etc?

Thanks
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Reformed Fapper on October 03, 2018, 01:22:28 AM
Congrats on the 90 day achievement! That's a big one.
As for the flatline thing, don't force it. You'll know when your out of it.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 03, 2018, 11:05:37 AM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 05, 2018, 07:41:46 PM
Congrats on the 90 day achievement! That's a big one.
As for the flatline thing, don't force it. You'll know when your out of it.

Thanks for the support. Yeah I'm not gonna try to force anything. If anything though I'm really looking forward to what I will feel like beyond 4 months of Nofap seeing as how I've never made it passed that, especially clean.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 05, 2018, 07:51:41 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 06, 2018, 02:02:55 AM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: the_terrible_one on October 06, 2018, 07:41:01 AM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire! ;D

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot! 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 07, 2018, 07:59:45 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person. 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 07, 2018, 08:40:24 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire! ;D

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot!


Thank you for such kind words my friend.

No, going back to MO/PMO isn't an option for me nor is it a desire anymore either. In the beginning, there were times when I literally couldn't keep my mind off porn. Now, I can actually go through my day without it being an issue. You've just started but I guarantee you, as hard as it is right now it will get easier. You simply just have to keep fighting those demons and you will succeed. You have to treat this as something where failure just isn't an option anymore.

As far as the woman I've mention in this thread before is concerned, she's been through a lot. She's a had some bad/abusive relationships and she also had some bad experiences with trying to get close to someone and having them reject her. She labels us as 'friends' right now but I out right told her that after meeting her, I have no desire to go out and meet anyone else.

She told me that while she's not ready to be in a relationship right now, she knows what she'd want and that doesn't mean it wouldn't be me. This is hard for me because it just seems as though everything in my life is never just easy. It hurts but right now, I'm willing to try and wait. She's a quality person that I simply don't want to walk away from.

One thing I will say though is that having an actual human being to concentrate on/view as a goal has made rebooting incredibly more easier than other times I've tried before. Having someone around you that you want and stays in your thoughts often helps greatly with keeping your mind away from PMO.

Wishing you and everyone with much success and happiness in life.

Thank you again
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 08, 2018, 04:40:36 AM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person.

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: the_terrible_one on October 08, 2018, 12:04:56 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire! ;D

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot!


Thank you for such kind words my friend.

No, going back to MO/PMO isn't an option for me nor is it a desire anymore either. In the beginning, there were times when I literally couldn't keep my mind off porn. Now, I can actually go through my day without it being an issue. You've just started but I guarantee you, as hard as it is right now it will get easier. You simply just have to keep fighting those demons and you will succeed. You have to treat this as something where failure just isn't an option anymore.

As far as the woman I've mention in this thread before is concerned, she's been through a lot. She's a had some bad/abusive relationships and she also had some bad experiences with trying to get close to someone and having them reject her. She labels us as 'friends' right now but I out right told her that after meeting her, I have no desire to go out and meet anyone else.

She told me that while she's not ready to be in a relationship right now, she knows what she'd want and that doesn't mean it wouldn't be me. This is hard for me because it just seems as though everything in my life is never just easy. It hurts but right now, I'm willing to try and wait. She's a quality person that I simply don't want to walk away from.

One thing I will say though is that having an actual human being to concentrate on/view as a goal has made rebooting incredibly more easier than other times I've tried before. Having someone around you that you want and stays in your thoughts often helps greatly with keeping your mind away from PMO.

Wishing you and everyone with much success and happiness in life.

Thank you again

Hey no problem man. I guess we differ in the fact that I haven't really given porn or masturbation much thought since I stopped with almost an immediate flatline which hasn't stopped. Not because I've made myself crazy busy, far from it, but more that I just don't miss it. I think I've only had one thought and I just ignored it but I don't want this stance to make me complacent. So personally, I'm fully expecting it to go from easy to much more difficult as the days mount up. I know it's very early days in my journey and I'm expecting a stream of urges to strike in the not too distant future! It would only be natural after all. Its just not acting on those impulses, so it'll be an interesting test. In all honesty, I'm looking forward to that particular mental fight!

Whilst it's great having someone else to focus on, I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. I'm finding myself doing that and I know I've definitely done it in the past, which is has probably resulted in me missing out. Yet I always find myself coming back to the idea of that one, even if I'm not sure if it's mutual. I managed to get her out of my head for a while but the thought keeps coming back so it's just another thing to find myself being preoccupied with, whereas I'd prefer to have a clear mind to focus on the matter in hand and progress my own life. So whereas you're finding that its helping, I'm finding it a bit of an ordeal having that thought but we're all different. :) Besides, I still have a long way to go in my rebooting voyage!

Keep on fighting.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 08, 2018, 09:59:42 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Sorry, I misspoke when I used the word reboot. What I actually meant was if you think I should just continue with what I'm doing right  now for a bit longer which is just healing alone by myself or do you think that after 90 days, I would be ready for actual sexual activity?

Just to be clear, I have no interest in returning to masturbation or porn ever. Even masturbation without porn I feel is potentially dangerous and just an overall waste of my energy. I'd much rather use that energy with an actual person.

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 08, 2018, 10:13:21 PM
It's a myth that men are supposed to be walking around all sexually charged all the time. Total BS. We are primed to respond to realistic scenarios relating to real prospects. We are not primed to respond to the thoughts of a previously addicted porn addict who is hyper vigilant about the functioning of his penis. There is literally nothing arousing about that. Aside from the testosterone peak that can happen in the latter stages of the sleep cycle, there's no reason to expect any sort of random arousal. A lot of normal men don't even get morning erections. You need to content yourself with the fact that you've done what you can, and that you have to take the chance of making contact with a partner who attracts you to take this to the next stage. The next stage is to get out of your head, and get into bed with somebody you like and who doesn't make you feel under pressure.

So in your opinion, do you think there's any benefit at all in rebooting beyond this point or have I simply gotten as far as I can go with healing without actual sexual activity?   

Thanks again
I think there is benefit in continuing your reboot just because the longer you have your masturbation/porn habit behind you before you get involved with a woman, the better. I wouldn't suggest you start a masturbation habit now - there's a very good chance it could lead you back to PMO. So in a sense, if you aren't rebooting, what would you be doing? Either you are MO, PMO, or nothing (same as rebooting). It seems to me that if you want to be ready for a real relationship or experience with a woman, you have to keep staying clean.

Despite being a total novice (I'm on day eight), I think Malando is on the right track. He is far wiser with more insight than I on the subject. I don't really see any harm in continuing what you've started. Why undo all this good work as it seems the longer you go the stronger you get, reading from other long termers. Personally, I don't see the problem in aiming for 180 days and if sex happens before that, then great. You've been there before. You relapsed at the four month mark in the past and probably noticed that it sent you on a downward spiral again. It's admirable that you've come so far and I think continuing would be testament to the further progression you could possibly make in this relationship and indeed, with others.

I'm as guilty as anyone of overthinking so can relate, and it's always easier to give advice than take it, but how about taking a step back and like you mentioned earlier. Instead of putting a label (e.g. relationship/friends with benefits) on the relationship, enjoy it for what it is and if sex or a future relationship happens as a result, awesome! I think theres a lot to be said about a relationship built on solid foundations. Getting to know the person, discussing life, what they like, their childhood, dreams & goals, the sex attached to those relations in my experience trumps any quick, fumble in the dark, one night stand scenario. You certainly seem to be getting on like a house on fire! ;D

Either way, you're totally inspirational. You've been through more than most of us could imagine and deserve happiness. We all do. But you especially my man. Keep going with the reboot!


Thank you for such kind words my friend.

No, going back to MO/PMO isn't an option for me nor is it a desire anymore either. In the beginning, there were times when I literally couldn't keep my mind off porn. Now, I can actually go through my day without it being an issue. You've just started but I guarantee you, as hard as it is right now it will get easier. You simply just have to keep fighting those demons and you will succeed. You have to treat this as something where failure just isn't an option anymore.

As far as the woman I've mention in this thread before is concerned, she's been through a lot. She's a had some bad/abusive relationships and she also had some bad experiences with trying to get close to someone and having them reject her. She labels us as 'friends' right now but I out right told her that after meeting her, I have no desire to go out and meet anyone else.

She told me that while she's not ready to be in a relationship right now, she knows what she'd want and that doesn't mean it wouldn't be me. This is hard for me because it just seems as though everything in my life is never just easy. It hurts but right now, I'm willing to try and wait. She's a quality person that I simply don't want to walk away from.

One thing I will say though is that having an actual human being to concentrate on/view as a goal has made rebooting incredibly more easier than other times I've tried before. Having someone around you that you want and stays in your thoughts often helps greatly with keeping your mind away from PMO.

Wishing you and everyone with much success and happiness in life.

Thank you again

Hey no problem man. I guess we differ in the fact that I haven't really given porn or masturbation much thought since I stopped with almost an immediate flatline which hasn't stopped. Not because I've made myself crazy busy, far from it, but more that I just don't miss it. I think I've only had one thought and I just ignored it but I don't want this stance to make me complacent. So personally, I'm fully expecting it to go from easy to much more difficult as the days mount up. I know it's very early days in my journey and I'm expecting a stream of urges to strike in the not too distant future! It would only be natural after all. Its just not acting on those impulses, so it'll be an interesting test. In all honesty, I'm looking forward to that particular mental fight!

Whilst it's great having someone else to focus on, I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. I'm finding myself doing that and I know I've definitely done it in the past, which is has probably resulted in me missing out. Yet I always find myself coming back to the idea of that one, even if I'm not sure if it's mutual. I managed to get her out of my head for a while but the thought keeps coming back so it's just another thing to find myself being preoccupied with, whereas I'd prefer to have a clear mind to focus on the matter in hand and progress my own life. So whereas you're finding that its helping, I'm finding it a bit of an ordeal having that thought but we're all different. :) Besides, I still have a long way to go in my rebooting voyage!

Keep on fighting.

I'm definitely not going to put all of my eggs in one basket but, the idea of having to open up the way I have already with potentially multiple people, multiple times is a stressful thought. Also, I don't want to be someone who shows a lack of understanding and patience with someone who's been so kind and gone out of their way for me.

I know what you're saying though, but I'm just going to try and not worry about this kinda thing too much and just try and focus on being social as possible and interacting with people as much as I can.

Thanks again
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 09, 2018, 07:54:29 AM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 09, 2018, 01:40:51 PM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.

Honestly it's a complicated situation as both of us are conflicted. She has some reservations about being my first as she's worried I might get attached and hurt. I have some reservations as I there's a big part of me that wants all of her or nothing at all. However, despite these reservations from both of us, we both have expressed still wanting to. So it's not really off the table, it just hasn't happened. 

As far as the PIED is concerned, we've never been in the moment where sex looked as though it was about to happen but we've been all over each other before and I never really got much of a dopamine rush or really hard because it. It's concerning to me because I sometimes wonder that even if I were about to have sex, would my body respond the way I hope it would? Whats interesting is that there were times I was more aroused by something she said to me over text or a thought I had of her than I've been with actually touching each other.

About a month or so ago, I was actually feeling more responsive as I could just think of her and become aroused, my hart rate would go up thinking about being in intimate situations, I was having more sexually charged dreams, etc. But now, all of that has seemed to have disappeared for the most part. That's why I was asking you if you think 90 days was enough for my brain to heal because there's a part of me that still believes that I'm in flat-line. This feeling is very frustrating as I could feel myself feeling like my old self for a little while and then all of the sudden, it just feels like my body decided to take 2 steps back.

Maybe the key for me though is finally seeing how my body/brain reacts to things after going beyond 4 months seeing as how I've never gotten that far with rebooting before?
 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 10, 2018, 08:38:04 AM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.

Honestly it's a complicated situation as both of us are conflicted. She has some reservations about being my first as she's worried I might get attached and hurt. I have some reservations as I there's a big part of me that wants all of her or nothing at all. However, despite these reservations from both of us, we both have expressed still wanting to. So it's not really off the table, it just hasn't happened. 

As far as the PIED is concerned, we've never been in the moment where sex looked as though it was about to happen but we've been all over each other before and I never really got much of a dopamine rush or really hard because it. It's concerning to me because I sometimes wonder that even if I were about to have sex, would my body respond the way I hope it would? Whats interesting is that there were times I was more aroused by something she said to me over text or a thought I had of her than I've been with actually touching each other.

About a month or so ago, I was actually feeling more responsive as I could just think of her and become aroused, my hart rate would go up thinking about being in intimate situations, I was having more sexually charged dreams, etc. But now, all of that has seemed to have disappeared for the most part. That's why I was asking you if you think 90 days was enough for my brain to heal because there's a part of me that still believes that I'm in flat-line. This feeling is very frustrating as I could feel myself feeling like my old self for a little while and then all of the sudden, it just feels like my body decided to take 2 steps back.

Maybe the key for me though is finally seeing how my body/brain reacts to things after going beyond 4 months seeing as how I've never gotten that far with rebooting before?
 
Yeah, it might have run it's course. I think you want to be totally into the girl who's your first. It will go so much better if you're head over heels for her and just crave to touch her. What you're describing sounds like an arrangement of convenience - neither of you are hot for each other, just keeping each other company until the real one comes along. Doesn't sound that exciting. I never got very excited about girls I had no feelings for. It's empty, boring almost. It sounds good in theory. Any sex is better than no sex, right?. Wrong, some sex is worse than no sex. You've got to be really excited by your partner to really get anything out of it. And yes, it's very easy to lose arousal in a sexual encounter when you're not really into the person. It can get very impersonal and mechanical. I would be very wary of this if I were you. If your primary goal is to lose your virginity, then yes, you can give it a try, but understand that it carries with it certain risks of being unsatisfying, awkward, and possibly even counterproductive if you are not aroused by her when the time comes.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 10, 2018, 09:08:12 AM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.

Honestly it's a complicated situation as both of us are conflicted. She has some reservations about being my first as she's worried I might get attached and hurt. I have some reservations as I there's a big part of me that wants all of her or nothing at all. However, despite these reservations from both of us, we both have expressed still wanting to. So it's not really off the table, it just hasn't happened. 

As far as the PIED is concerned, we've never been in the moment where sex looked as though it was about to happen but we've been all over each other before and I never really got much of a dopamine rush or really hard because it. It's concerning to me because I sometimes wonder that even if I were about to have sex, would my body respond the way I hope it would? Whats interesting is that there were times I was more aroused by something she said to me over text or a thought I had of her than I've been with actually touching each other.

About a month or so ago, I was actually feeling more responsive as I could just think of her and become aroused, my hart rate would go up thinking about being in intimate situations, I was having more sexually charged dreams, etc. But now, all of that has seemed to have disappeared for the most part. That's why I was asking you if you think 90 days was enough for my brain to heal because there's a part of me that still believes that I'm in flat-line. This feeling is very frustrating as I could feel myself feeling like my old self for a little while and then all of the sudden, it just feels like my body decided to take 2 steps back.

Maybe the key for me though is finally seeing how my body/brain reacts to things after going beyond 4 months seeing as how I've never gotten that far with rebooting before?
 
Yeah, it might have run it's course. I think you want to be totally into the girl who's your first. It will go so much better if you're head over heels for her and just crave to touch her. What you're describing sounds like an arrangement of convenience - neither of you are hot for each other, just keeping each other company until the real one comes along. Doesn't sound that exciting. I never got very excited about girls I had no feelings for. It's empty, boring almost. It sounds good in theory. Any sex is better than no sex, right?. Wrong, some sex is worse than no sex. You've got to be really excited by your partner to really get anything out of it. And yes, it's very easy to lose arousal in a sexual encounter when you're not really into the person. It can get very impersonal and mechanical. I would be very wary of this if I were you. If your primary goal is to lose your virginity, then yes, you can give it a try, but understand that it carries with it certain risks of being unsatisfying, awkward, and possibly even counterproductive if you are not aroused by her when the time comes.

I am hot for her and I do believe the feeling is mutual. But like I said, it's just a bit complicated because she has trust issues with men right now and I want a relationship with her. I'm not just trying to lose my virginity either because sex isn't the main thing I want from her and I've told her that. I see many things in her that I like that I just don't want to pass up. She stays on my mind often and the thoughts I have are never just about sex.

And far as arousal is concerned, the issue for me isn't just feeling aroused around/about a particular person. The issue for me is that I don't feel much aroused about anything or anyone at the moment. Woman, porn, nothing! In other words, my sex drive feels empty right now. 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on October 10, 2018, 12:38:07 PM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.

Honestly it's a complicated situation as both of us are conflicted. She has some reservations about being my first as she's worried I might get attached and hurt. I have some reservations as I there's a big part of me that wants all of her or nothing at all. However, despite these reservations from both of us, we both have expressed still wanting to. So it's not really off the table, it just hasn't happened. 

As far as the PIED is concerned, we've never been in the moment where sex looked as though it was about to happen but we've been all over each other before and I never really got much of a dopamine rush or really hard because it. It's concerning to me because I sometimes wonder that even if I were about to have sex, would my body respond the way I hope it would? Whats interesting is that there were times I was more aroused by something she said to me over text or a thought I had of her than I've been with actually touching each other.

About a month or so ago, I was actually feeling more responsive as I could just think of her and become aroused, my hart rate would go up thinking about being in intimate situations, I was having more sexually charged dreams, etc. But now, all of that has seemed to have disappeared for the most part. That's why I was asking you if you think 90 days was enough for my brain to heal because there's a part of me that still believes that I'm in flat-line. This feeling is very frustrating as I could feel myself feeling like my old self for a little while and then all of the sudden, it just feels like my body decided to take 2 steps back.

Maybe the key for me though is finally seeing how my body/brain reacts to things after going beyond 4 months seeing as how I've never gotten that far with rebooting before?
 

Yeah, I once asked a girl out - as I was talking to her, I didn't feel anything but I knew I was attracted to her physically. I only seem to have felt something when I'm thinking about her. I'm guessing  this because this feeling is induced by the porn pathways...?  I don't know.

Also, I know what you mean about up and down recovery - it's certainly not linear, this PIED recovery thing.

I haven't watched porn since August 2017 (and only 2-3 time since January 2017.) and I've been through at least two hardmodes, and masturbated only occasionally, and I still feel nothing.

The only improvements that I see are nothing more than minor at best. For example, I'm getting the odd spontaneous erection every now and then but it's quite a weak one.

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 13, 2018, 12:32:08 PM

Ah, ok! That sounds better.

I think you probably could have a sexual experience now. The only thing you have to overcome is your shyness with dating. Also, it takes time to find somebody. By the time you find somebody suitable, you will be physically capable of committing the act.

My I ask, how do you plan on going about finding somebody to be intimate with? Are you looking to find a girlfriend?

Well, being intimate isn't off the table with the woman I've been talking about. We just haven't done anything yet. As far as a girlfriend is concerned, I'd like it to be her but she's just not ready yet. I think the key for me is just to not try and force anything with anyone and just concentrate on being as social as possible.
I see, I thought that situation was not headed in that direction. In that case, I think if you are  comfortable with not being sure where it's heading, and you both feel like getting physically close, there's no harm in giving it a go with her. The main thing is that you're feeling really comfortable with her. There's a good chance that you will load yourself up with pressure because it's your first time, so it's important that you don't feel the weight of the world on your shoulders when you try having sex. You might conclude you're having PIED, but it might be plain old performance anxiety. So work on reducing the anxiety mainly - because PIED is probably not going to be a big problem now. Actually touching a woman for you will be tremendously exciting, I think. It's different from us other guys who have already had sexual experiences with real women and then had porn detract from that. For you as a first timer, and a rebooter, your first touches with a woman are still going to provide a major dopamine hit and I think arousal won't be a problem unless you are caught up in your head and adding pressure to yourself. Just relax and go with it, enjoy the ride! It's so much better than porn if you like the girl you're with.

Honestly it's a complicated situation as both of us are conflicted. She has some reservations about being my first as she's worried I might get attached and hurt. I have some reservations as I there's a big part of me that wants all of her or nothing at all. However, despite these reservations from both of us, we both have expressed still wanting to. So it's not really off the table, it just hasn't happened. 

As far as the PIED is concerned, we've never been in the moment where sex looked as though it was about to happen but we've been all over each other before and I never really got much of a dopamine rush or really hard because it. It's concerning to me because I sometimes wonder that even if I were about to have sex, would my body respond the way I hope it would? Whats interesting is that there were times I was more aroused by something she said to me over text or a thought I had of her than I've been with actually touching each other.

About a month or so ago, I was actually feeling more responsive as I could just think of her and become aroused, my hart rate would go up thinking about being in intimate situations, I was having more sexually charged dreams, etc. But now, all of that has seemed to have disappeared for the most part. That's why I was asking you if you think 90 days was enough for my brain to heal because there's a part of me that still believes that I'm in flat-line. This feeling is very frustrating as I could feel myself feeling like my old self for a little while and then all of the sudden, it just feels like my body decided to take 2 steps back.

Maybe the key for me though is finally seeing how my body/brain reacts to things after going beyond 4 months seeing as how I've never gotten that far with rebooting before?
 

Yeah, I once asked a girl out - as I was talking to her, I didn't feel anything but I knew I was attracted to her physically. I only seem to have felt something when I'm thinking about her. I'm guessing  this because this feeling is induced by the porn pathways...?  I don't know.

Also, I know what you mean about up and down recovery - it's certainly not linear, this PIED recovery thing.

I haven't watched porn since August 2017 (and only 2-3 time since January 2017.) and I've been through at least two hardmodes, and masturbated only occasionally, and I still feel nothing.

The only improvements that I see are nothing more than minor at best. For example, I'm getting the odd spontaneous erection every now and then but it's quite a weak one.

Yeah I know I'm attracted to her because I was crushing on her for about a year before we even started really talking to each other. I remember the first time I saw her and my heart rate immediately went up which is something that rarely happens to me unless I find a woman very attractive. And I still get that feeling when I see her or know I'm about to.

As far as the recovery thing goes, I think you're absolutely right. The recovery process definitely isn't linear. Also, I think the way we do seem to get aroused at times is still connected to porn in some way. I think its very possible that being more turned on by a text/thought is directly linked to previous porn use as a text could be considered artificial stimuli which also leads to fantasy which is essentially all porn really is.

I'm sorry you haven't been seeing much more success with your reboot. But just remember, your still doing positive things to help your brain and life recover even if it always doesn't feel that way. It's all up to you but, I would suggest never masturbating again. IMO, all it will potentially do is fire up those old porn pathways again and lead you right back to porn. Some people will say it's OK to masturbate as long as it's without fantasy but that never made any sense to me. How can someone possibility become aroused enough to reach climax without a single thought in their head?

Anyways, good luck with everything. I hope you start seeing the success you're looking for in the near future.   
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 27, 2018, 10:42:02 PM
Day 115

Been dealing with some potentially dangerous feelings on and off for about  the last 2 weeks. During day 100 to 103, I started feeling more aroused but unfortunately, It was only to the idea of porn. Then again 3 days ago I saw something that reminded me of the type of material I used to watch. It wasn't porn or nudity but it did give me flashbacks which got my heart pumping. Then the next day, I found myself looking a few pictures for a few minutes that further put me on edge.

Again, it wasn't porn or nudity but it got my heart pumping and had me feeling on edge with the feeling of wanting to watch porn again. I didn't give in, but this feeling scared me honestly. I could see just how a few actions can lead to others and have you right back to where you started if not careful. I don't feel like I've ruined my streak, but it was definitely a big wake up call that I am not yet out of the woods with this issue. 

Lucky for me though, I was actually scheduled to see my Urologist that day to talk about PIED which I had never done before. I told him what was going on and he assured me that PIED is indeed a real issue and suggested going to sex therapy which I plan on doing.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Reformed Fapper on October 29, 2018, 12:08:25 AM
Quote
I could see just how a few actions can lead to others and have you right back to where you started if not careful

Triggers tend to have a cumulative effect, a ripple effect. Once you are triggered youll start to see other things which, if you werent triggered in the first place, ordinarily have no sexual conotations. But something in your subconcious is actually looking for things to keep the triggers going in an attempt to get you to PMO.
Here are a few things on triggers  from the notes I used to take as I was rebooting. (This was my personal experience so you may be different)
I identified and characterized three different types of triggers.

Primary trigger - this is the one that sets it off, could be an overtly sexual image or something that creates a vivid memory of porn that youve watched and fapped to
Secondary Triggers - these are the small but powerful triggers that follow after the initial one. These are very dangerous because they can come from nowhere. Seemingly from nowehre anyway. Your brain has been stimulated to urges of PMOing and it will now invent things to act as triggers. Could be something completely non-sexual, but the PMO addicted brain twists it into one. If you see it at any other time it would go unnoticed.
After-Triggers - once the secondary triggers subside, youve got the after-triggers which are triggered by the recollection of the secondary triggers! Fucked up, yeah? Actually being triggered by the memory of a trigger! Inception... :o
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on November 08, 2018, 12:31:54 AM
Quote
I could see just how a few actions can lead to others and have you right back to where you started if not careful

Triggers tend to have a cumulative effect, a ripple effect. Once you are triggered youll start to see other things which, if you werent triggered in the first place, ordinarily have no sexual conotations. But something in your subconcious is actually looking for things to keep the triggers going in an attempt to get you to PMO.
Here are a few things on triggers  from the notes I used to take as I was rebooting. (This was my personal experience so you may be different)
I identified and characterized three different types of triggers.

Primary trigger - this is the one that sets it off, could be an overtly sexual image or something that creates a vivid memory of porn that youve watched and fapped to
Secondary Triggers - these are the small but powerful triggers that follow after the initial one. These are very dangerous because they can come from nowhere. Seemingly from nowehre anyway. Your brain has been stimulated to urges of PMOing and it will now invent things to act as triggers. Could be something completely non-sexual, but the PMO addicted brain twists it into one. If you see it at any other time it would go unnoticed.
After-Triggers - once the secondary triggers subside, youve got the after-triggers which are triggered by the recollection of the secondary triggers! Fucked up, yeah? Actually being triggered by the memory of a trigger! Inception... :o

Lol, yup. That's pretty much been the case with me too. It's kinda scary though because I feel once you've been triggered, your brain beings to try and bargain with you about how engaging in your old habits again will somehow be OK or not that bad.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on November 08, 2018, 01:06:21 AM
Day 125

Had my testosterone levels tested last week which I hadn't had done since 8 years. Dr. said everything looks good. What's strange though is that my levels are seemingly higher now than before.

2018:

Albumin 4.6 g/dL
Testosterone 951.9 ng/dL
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin   50.7 nmol/L
Testosterone Free (Calculated) 16.66 ng/dL

2010:

Testosterone 483 ng/dL
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin   20 nmol/L
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on November 09, 2018, 02:11:59 PM
Have you been going to the gym?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on November 10, 2018, 09:21:07 PM
Have you been going to the gym?

Yeah, I workout a lot. I'm sure that has helped raise my levels but it seems strange that it would be to that degree though?

I'm thinking stress might have had something to do with those lower levels back then though as I was even more stressed out during that time.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 03, 2018, 04:36:08 PM
Day 149

Not much of an update but was wondering about something and wanted to see if anyone else here had experienced this?

While on my way to workout at the gym this morning, I ran into this girl I had met a few weeks ago at the bus stop. We both got on the same bus and chatted for about 15 minutes until she got off at her stop. I got of a few minutes later but what was strange was that after about 5 or 10 minutes after having that conversation with her, I noticed that my penis had an achy feeling like the kind you experience after ejaculation.

At first I thought maybe it was due to sitting to long and there was some pressure on my prostate that caused this but that wasn't the case either because I had remembered that during the whole time, I had been standing. Also when I went to use the bathroom a little later, I noticed that there was a bit of pre-cum in my underwear.

I found this very strange because during the whole time I was having that conversation with her, I never felt sexually aroused. I did think she was cute, but I never actually felt turned on. I had experienced that achy feeling maybe once or twice in the past but It was just kinda at random and I wasn't even in the presence of anyone at the time and it never resulted in any pre-cum either.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything like that before? And what could this possibly mean?

Thanks
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on December 04, 2018, 01:48:53 PM
When I recently went to the speedating event and met up with a girl a few days later, I noticed randomly that there was a little bit of cum in my underpants. But not that achy feeling. It's fair to say that during those few days between the speedating event and my date with the girl, that my thoughts were replaying those moments that I went through with them.

I don't know anything else.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 07, 2018, 01:07:49 AM
Yeah it's strange. I just hope it's a sign of changes going on in the brain. Anyway...

Day 152:

Not much really has been different in the last 2 months or so. Other than being momentarily aroused during a few days here and there, I mostly have been feeling completely sexless like I'm not attracted to anything at all.

I'm starting to belive what you said about guys like us not ever being able to fully recover from this unless we're activly trying with a partner. I'm thinking just abstaining from PMO by yourself can only bring you so many results especially if you've never experienced sex before. So for guys like us it's probably twice as difficult to recover.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on December 07, 2018, 02:00:51 PM
Yeah, I agree. A partner is a must at our age, I think.  :'(
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: changemylife on December 07, 2018, 02:32:23 PM
Yeah it's strange. I just hope it's a sign of changes going on in the brain. Anyway...

Day 152:

Not much really has been different in the last 2 months or so. Other than being momentarily aroused during a few days here and there, I mostly have been feeling completely sexless like I'm not attracted to anything at all.

I'm starting to belive what you said about guys like us not ever being able to fully recover from this unless we're activly trying with a partner. I'm thinking just abstaining from PMO by yourself can only bring you so many results especially if you've never experienced sex before. So for guys like us it's probably twice as difficult to recover.

I am not in my 30s but I am almost there. I am 28 right now and I'm also a virgin. I didn't know I had a problem with PMO because I was single and I didn't have the chance to experience ED. I know it wouldn't have been a good thing either but this is what has helped some people realize they had a problem. There was nothing to scare me and make me discover my PMO addiction. Eventually, thank God, my emotional problems have done enough damage for me to wake up and realize I really need to change my life and quit my addictions. I don't have 1 addiction, I have 3 actually. Maybe it's fair to say I'm a broken guy right now. Hopefully in a year or so I will be better.
What I'm trying to do now would've been welcome 6 years ago or so but anyway, let's say "better later than never". I know I'm not 36 years old or whatever and maybe the urge to tell me "Get the fuck outta here, you are just 28, you're not 36!" is strong, but I can relate to what it means to be at an age where you should've had girlfriends and yet have no idea what even a date means.
Also, I have been watching porn since I was 13 or so, at that age where you should develop healthily, not program your brain to this filth. I can certainly say it will be the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life. I'm dealing with childhood habits, like those video games that are considered "shit" for today's standards but for me are the best games cause I enjoyed them when I was a kid. The same with porn.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: BootLoader on December 07, 2018, 03:12:58 PM
Has anyone else ever experienced anything like that before? And what could this possibly mean?

Thanks
Semen leakage... A well known "side effect" when you go cold turkey PMO. It took me almost 1 year to stop, in the first year of my first reboot some days after the first 7-8 months I had strong morning wood and spontaneous erections, this period of time I had a lot of semen leakage.
I have read that when your semen leakage stop's for 1-2 months, your flatline period is going to end.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 08, 2018, 12:31:41 AM
Has anyone else ever experienced anything like that before? And what could this possibly mean?

Thanks
Semen leakage... A well known "side effect" when you go cold turkey PMO. It took me almost 1 year to stop, in the first year of my first reboot some days after the first 7-8 months I had strong morning wood and spontaneous erections, this period of time I had a lot of semen leakage.
I have read that when your semen leakage stop's for 1-2 months, your flatline period is going to end.

Thanks for the info. I'll be sure to make note of that for the future.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: thephoenix on December 08, 2018, 09:34:04 PM
Yup.

I totally can relate to this story. Things have gotten progressively worse in the last 5-ish years. I never noticed progressive calling cards like you did. I just woke up a few weeks ago and said enough is enough. Time to kick this once and for all. Now that I’m actually aware of what I’ve been doing to myself, I shamefully admit I like yourself also either have very weak erections or none at all without some form of manual stimulation to get it started. I also got into very screwed up and dark material that has made me question my orientation at times.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 11, 2018, 07:53:57 PM
Yup.

I totally can relate to this story. Things have gotten progressively worse in the last 5-ish years. I never noticed progressive calling cards like you did. I just woke up a few weeks ago and said enough is enough. Time to kick this once and for all. Now that I’m actually aware of what I’ve been doing to myself, I shamefully admit I like yourself also either have very weak erections or none at all without some form of manual stimulation to get it started. I also got into very screwed up and dark material that has made me question my orientation at times.

Yeah, I've had issues at one point with questioning my own orientation as well. I never said much about it in any of my posts but the stuff I had gotten into in the end was almost 100% TS material.

Like in most cases, I started out with consuming basic material. But once I started having issues with PIED, I began to look for new things to excite me as my old go to martial no longer did. In fact, in the beging of experiencing PIED, I started questioning my orientation as I simply couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling instantly turned on by women anymore.

As this led me to seeking out more shocking materiel, I came across TS stuff and the rest is history. What's really messed up though is that I had to pretty much force myself to get into it as I had no prior interest in watching that kind of stuff. I was just obsessed with chasing a high.

I really feel like that type of programming has done major damage as it has made it even more difficult for me to recover especially as a virgin since I have no prior experience with woman for my brain to revert back to.

By far, getting into porn has easily been the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 11, 2018, 09:53:06 PM
Yeah it's strange. I just hope it's a sign of changes going on in the brain. Anyway...

Day 152:

Not much really has been different in the last 2 months or so. Other than being momentarily aroused during a few days here and there, I mostly have been feeling completely sexless like I'm not attracted to anything at all.

I'm starting to belive what you said about guys like us not ever being able to fully recover from this unless we're activly trying with a partner. I'm thinking just abstaining from PMO by yourself can only bring you so many results especially if you've never experienced sex before. So for guys like us it's probably twice as difficult to recover.

I am not in my 30s but I am almost there. I am 28 right now and I'm also a virgin. I didn't know I had a problem with PMO because I was single and I didn't have the chance to experience ED. I know it wouldn't have been a good thing either but this is what has helped some people realize they had a problem. There was nothing to scare me and make me discover my PMO addiction. Eventually, thank God, my emotional problems have done enough damage for me to wake up and realize I really need to change my life and quit my addictions. I don't have 1 addiction, I have 3 actually. Maybe it's fair to say I'm a broken guy right now. Hopefully in a year or so I will be better.
What I'm trying to do now would've been welcome 6 years ago or so but anyway, let's say "better later than never". I know I'm not 36 years old or whatever and maybe the urge to tell me "Get the fuck outta here, you are just 28, you're not 36!" is strong, but I can relate to what it means to be at an age where you should've had girlfriends and yet have no idea what even a date means.
Also, I have been watching porn since I was 13 or so, at that age where you should develop healthily, not program your brain to this filth. I can certainly say it will be the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life. I'm dealing with childhood habits, like those video games that are considered "shit" for today's standards but for me are the best games cause I enjoyed them when I was a kid. The same with porn.

Sorry I missed your post. For some reason I missed it while scrolling on my phone.  Anyway, no I don't have a strong feeling to say get the F out, lol. Trust me, just because you're 28 doesnt mean that what you're dealing with is any less serious.

If fact, in some cases I think guys like you who started out with high speed porn at a younger age may have it just as hard or even harder then someone like me when it comes to trying to recover because your brains were still in development as opposed to someone like me who while still a virgin like yourself, was at least an adult before getting heavily into porn.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel broken. Unfortunately, I and many others here know exactly how that feels. But like you said better late then never. It's better that you're now trying to get out of this at 28 rather than at 36. Just like it's better for me to be doing this now than at 46 or 56. I just wish when I was 28, I knew what was going on with me and what I needed to do to try and fix it.

Thanks for the reply and best of luck with everything.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: changemylife on December 12, 2018, 11:19:01 AM
Thanks, man. I appreciate.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 12, 2018, 11:03:18 PM
Well I fucked up. Was playing with fire, saw some pictures and ended up ejeculatining without even touching myself. I can't believe I just fucked all of my progress up. This is crazy.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 12, 2018, 11:05:45 PM
I feel like fucking shit right now.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on December 13, 2018, 05:40:11 AM
Sorry to hear that. You might want to test (and only test) the  erection to see if blood flow has been reduced. If so, then this  relapse has made it worse. If not, then it probably hasn't. My erection's blood flow always reduced after I binge, not after just one relapse.

And how did you manage to ejaculate even without touching? I mean I even couldn't do that when my penis was working fine!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 13, 2018, 07:08:07 AM
It was a terrible mistake. I didn't have any idea that would happen but it just goes to show that you can never feel too confident to the point that you think you can't mess up and that the slightest things can trigger you. And no, I will not be testing anything either. I think that would make matters worse for me.

I feel like I've really let myself down and everyone here who's been following my thread to. Time will tell, but I don't think I've lost all of my progress. Only thing I can do now is go back and make sure it never happens again, which it will not.

I'm sorry to those of you who might have been looking at me as inspiration. I think this is simply a case of boardom and extreme loneliness getting the better of me. But like I said, this mistake will not happen again, period.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 13, 2018, 12:29:34 PM
This is a lesson to myself and anyone else who reads this. Giving in to even the slightest form of digital stimulation no matter how harmless it may seem can lead to a full blown relapse, and absolutely none of it is worth it.

I'm feeling really down and depressed with myself right now.

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on December 14, 2018, 12:58:19 AM
Day 1 complete

Thought I'd never have to say that again.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Pete McVries on January 14, 2019, 08:01:11 PM
how are you doing?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on January 15, 2019, 09:56:54 AM
Unfortunately, I've admittedly had a few relapses since my last reported one here. During all of my reboot atemps I always had struggles a lot durning certain periods and for me, getting past the initial 12 - 18 days has always been one of them.

I almost feel like my brain is a master manipulator and I haven't figured out all his tricks yet. I do feel like loneliness is a major factor tho. And sometimes those thoughts turn into "I'm just gonna always feel this way so what's even the point of this?" but I know that it's just my brain trying to trick me again and use those feelings against me.

Anyway, I'm headed to see a therapist for the first time next week. I'll be sure to give an update after. I'm down but I'm not out. I still feel embarrassed and depressed that I let my longest streak go tho.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Loving_Mary on January 15, 2019, 07:02:16 PM
Therapists are cool I think.

I've been going to one for the last 2 years

and it has helped me a ton.

I hope it works out for you too. 

Cheers
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on January 15, 2019, 11:27:39 PM
That's really good to hear. Thanks so much for the well wishes.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on January 23, 2019, 11:21:44 PM
Ok, I had my first meeting with a sex therapist 2 days ago. Went pretty well so far. The experience wasn't as intimidating or embarrassing as I had originally thought it would be. Having my second meeting next week Monday where he said we would discuss further about a plan of action on how to approach these issues. 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on January 24, 2019, 01:38:53 PM
Sounds good. Do you think you would be able to share her advice here, if it's not too personal?

I think it might prove to be a useful source of information.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on January 25, 2019, 08:47:08 PM
Sure. I'll definitely share more info once I get back from seeing him again next week.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Hopin4Better on January 26, 2019, 06:30:14 PM
Hey bud I read your story and post. I believe that I am in a very similar situation to you. It will take us longer than most to heal I think. But we can do it.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on January 28, 2019, 04:45:01 PM
Welcome to the club. :(
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: KittyHawk on January 29, 2019, 10:35:02 AM
Hello, MinneapolisGuy.

I don't think you lost all your progress just because of relapse.
Usually when I relapse, it is a 1-3 hour long binge that leaves me drained and feeling like sh*t. Still, if there are several days of abstinence before and after that binge, it MUST be at least slightly better than just binging every day like I used to. Also try to analyze what lead to the relapse and how you can avoid being in a similar position again.

I'll also be grateful if you share some therapist advice that you'll get. I can't afford therapy right now and I understand that some of that advice will be tailored for you specifically but still would appreciate any good ideas it might bring.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Georgos on March 25, 2019, 02:48:42 PM
Hi MG, just wondered how you're doing?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on April 02, 2019, 12:00:35 PM
Hi guys,

Sorry for not updating this thread sooner but I recently got a new job and have simply been a bit distracted by a few other things as well. I'm going to see my therapist again this coming Wednesday but I would like to share the things we talked about during our last few sessions as well as a few of my own personal observations of things.

There were there questions I asked him during our last session:

1.How to deal with feelings of loneliness, sadness, and isolation without out falling back into bad habits?

2.How to deal with strong urges?

3.How to deal with the feeling of self consciousness of being a virgin?

4.Is it possible to recover/rewire from PIED being a virgin without a partner?


1. For this question he said the best way to deal with these types of feelings are to try being as socially active as possible. Such as going out with friends or going to new places to potentially new people with using such things as Meetup events. I haven't personally done any meet ups yet but I  been going out a bit more lately which I think has helped a bit.

2. This was relatively the same advice as 1. Trying to stay active and social as possible in order occupy myself with things other than PMOing.

3. With this question he said when meeting women, it isn't necessary to lead with that info. I understood that but I also asked him what to do when asked a question like "when was your last relationship?" He then said I could just say it's been a really long time. I told him that I didn't feel really comfortable with that because it's still pretty much lying. He then suggested that I could try only revealing that information down the line if in a situation where me and a woman began to share some personal details about ourselves.

4. For this question he said that it you can definitely recover from PIED without a partner. For this he recommended doing an exercise which involves touching/stoking your penis while it's completely flaccid until you achieve your strongest erection possible. Once that is achieved, rest and wait until your penis becomes completely flaccid again and then repeat the process. He recommend doing this at least 2 times a day but can be perform more if possible.  The point of this exercise is break your minds habit of becoming aroused by pornographic/digital stimulation and instead concentrate on the sensations you feel while performing this exercise.

In addition to that he also recommended 2 books to me. "The New Male Sexuality", (which he above exercise was taken from) and another one called "Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex"


Me personality, while I am performing the exercises, I do find it to be very opposite of what what we all know about rebooting/rewiring and NOT touching ourselves. I brought that concern up to him but in short he said he pretty much feels that notion is false.

In addition to that, he also stated to me something very interesting as he said that there is no such thing as sexual addiction because no one can actually be diagnosed with it by a medical professional and be prescribed anything for it. He instead believes that PMO is simply more so a compulsive disorder instead of a drug addiction for example addiction which would involve a chemical dependency. I asked him what was the difference between compulsive behavior and an addiction and he said that for example an alcoholic would be told never drink again but someone with compulsive sex issues would not be told to never have sex again. This something that doesn't make complete sense to me, but I'd like to hear what some of you guys opinions are on this? 

All feedback and questions welcomed.

Thanks again guys 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on April 02, 2019, 01:22:38 PM
Hello,

Good to see you back.

Thank you for that useful information.

Few years ago I tried the penis stroking method (together with rubbing your whole body, to be frank!) in order to make my mind to get used to a 'real' sexual experience, but I decided I'm not going to risk it as I needed to break MO pathways from the PMO pathwats. I don't think I'm going to do this method (that entails any arousal!) until I meet someone.

As for number three, I've been doing SpeedDating a lot and of course one common question is 'how long you have been single'. I tell them that I've never been in a relationship for one reason or another. i.e, work (true, I was unemployed for a long time), not being ready (true), etc. Out of 60 odd women that I've 'dated', all of them did not seem surprised and simply took it along as something normal. Only one of them kept pressing me with more questions (she was still polite about it). So, I don't think it matters too much.

Anyway, good to see you back. Hows' your recovery going? Has been busy helped you, even psychologically at least?

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: 40-yearsOnVideoPorn on April 02, 2019, 02:06:01 PM
Hi guys,

2.How to deal with strong urges?


Strong urges come from the brain’s pleasure centers signalling the prefrontal cortext to go offline. The pleasure centers of the brain are taking control of thought when you feel this. The way to deal with this is to do Whatever It Takes to think with the prefrontal cortext.

Realize you are being tricked by a bullshit artist. Don’t fall for that bullshit. Don’t get fooled again. The pleasure centers are able to constrict the flow of energy to the logic centers in the prefrontal cortext. That’s what’s actually happening when you experience “feelings” to PMO. Realize something is pulling the wool over your eyes and refuse to be hoodwinked. Our intellect, once properly instructed, is much smarter than those primal urges from the pleasure centers.

When you link this all up with survival, in your intellect, your logical brain starts to out-think the pleasure centers as a matter of primal rage, like an Alpha male. This is how you overcome addiction, by being so pissed off and disgusted at at how it fooled you that the logically dominant mind takes control as a matter of primal survival and Alpha superiority.

“Are you going to let that pussy bullshit run your life?” That’s how Alphas think. Addiction might seem powerful but it’s really just something pussies do. It’s escaping from being a real man. Not being a real man is what pussies do. They are fake men who have fake sex.

Sorry to be so blunt but it’s the truth.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Georgos on April 02, 2019, 02:42:07 PM
Hi MG,

One thing I've learned about psychiatry from my experiences with mental health is that they don't really have enough understanding of how the brain relates to behaviour to label any condition more complex than a simple reaction, so don't get hung up on whether or not you label this as an addiction or a compulsive behaviour or not, whatever label works best for you, it's still a condition. Its's true the official psychiatric labelling doesn't label PMO abuse as an addiction, but as I said, we're dealing with a science in its infancy and quite possibly the whole idea of labelling complex behaviour is wrong, let alone getting the labelling correct. I've said in the past that I think it is more helpful to look at it as a neurosis rather than an addiction, that's my personal preference, but the material here that treated it as an addiction definitely helped me a lot.

I'm not going to comment much on the idea of socializing. I used to socialize all the time, but never lost my viriginity, because of my neurosis. It does help you feel less alone, but ultimately feelings of loniless come from dependency on others for self-validating. Indeed we covered this a bit in my group therapy sessions I had some years ago. Self-validating should really come from within, but saying that, and realising the truth of it, are two completely different things. Going our and socializing is one way to reach the point of realization, so go for it if it feels right with you.

I still don't know the magic formula for getting laid, even if there is such a thing, or if it is desireable to have one, to date I've only had sex twice in my life and that was five years ago. I am dating now, but struggling to become physically intimate, indeed there has been almost no physical intimacy in the five months we've been dating, and I've kind of called it a day.

Don't know anything about the other issues, since I've never had PIED, but I hope some of my words are of help.

Thank you.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Pete McVries on April 02, 2019, 06:21:07 PM
4. For this question he said that it you can definitely recover from PIED without a partner. For this he recommended doing an exercise which involves touching/stoking your penis while it's completely flaccid until you achieve your strongest erection possible. Once that is achieved, rest and wait until your penis becomes completely flaccid again and then repeat the process. He recommend doing this at least 2 times a day but can be perform more if possible.  The point of this exercise is break your minds habit of becoming aroused by pornographic/digital stimulation and instead concentrate on the sensations you feel while performing this exercise.


I would strongly recommend you not to do this. I assume you have PIED, so in the beginning of your reboot it might be very difficult for you to make an erection happen. I'm on Day 87 hardmode and I failed a few days ago to give myself a full erection without any further stimulation. It leads nowhere, it makes you horny and it might bring you to a brink of relapsing. Reboot for a long time without doing it and once you feel comfortable and confident you might want to try it. But from my own experience, I wouldn't recommend it, especially in an early stage of the reboot.

In addition to that, he also stated to me something very interesting as he said that there is no such thing as sexual addiction because no one can actually be diagnosed with it by a medical professional and be prescribed anything for it. He instead believes that PMO is simply more so a compulsive disorder instead of a drug addiction for example addiction which would involve a chemical dependency. I asked him what was the difference between compulsive behavior and an addiction and he said that for example an alcoholic would be told never drink again but someone with compulsive sex issues would not be told to never have sex again. This something that doesn't make complete sense to me, but I'd like to hear what some of you guys opinions are on this? 

PMO ADDICTION is definitely not a compulsive disorder. Look at how many guys struggle for their lives to stop it indefinitely. Also, all the brain scans point into the direction that PMO addiction is as much an addiction like gambling, food, or even drugs. Don't let these experts fool you. Most of them don't really know a lot about the topic. Just by watching Gary Wilson's The Great Porn Experiment (https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU) you probably know more than him.

All the best!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on April 04, 2019, 01:15:33 PM
Thank you all for the replies,

I've been doing alright I guess but I've admittedly have had many relapses during my absence. So I'm very much still struggling.

There are quite a few things I'd like to touch on but first, I'd like to talk about my meeting with my therapist yesterday and how that went. 

First of all my sociologist seems to be very concerned with the fact that I view compulsive PMO as being an addiction. He said the that the notion that PMO can be responsible for ED is false because there is no scientific research backing it. He also stated that there is an "agenda" going on with many individuals including some psychologists to push the idea the porn can cause ED just to make a profit.

After he said this I pointed out the countless communities such as this one with many guys such as myself who suffer from the same issues and symptoms with porn use being the common link between us all. I asked him if there as no link to porn being the cause then how can this be explained? His reply was pretty much that he didn't know specifically but that it can't be related to porn because there isn't anything scientific supporting it.

He also told me that he doesn't believe that there is anything inherently wrong with using porn as it often recommended in some sex therapy situations and the fact that it has existed in some form or another throughout the history of man. I then pointed out the fact that high speed internet with the combination of porn use was never seen or consumed before until the last decade but he pretty much dismissed there being any link between that and ED in young men who use porn.

He even told me that told me that if I wanted to continue using porn, that it would be absolutely fine. I then asked that if it's ok to use porn, then what is the exact purpose of the exercises he recommended me which he said in the beginning were to help me concentrate on the feeling of sensations and being able to achieve erections without the use of porn. He then told me it was fine to use porn while doing the exercises just as long I'm focusing on the sensations I feel.

I then asked him that if using porn can't cause any changes within the brain, then why is it that I have found it harder to experience arousal as easily as I had before and why is it that things that I had always found arousing in the past no longer did anything for me after years of excessive PMO? His answer was simply that perhaps I just like other things now.

So apparently by his logic, we're just all a bunch of guys in the same place, with many of the same problems all by chance. If fact, by that same logic, alcohol addiction didn't exist until it was backed by science even though people have used and abused alcohol for centuries.     

Please share your thoughts. Thanks guys.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Georgos on April 04, 2019, 01:37:21 PM
Very few people have no beliefs and attachments, indeed I think the idea that one can have absolutely no attachments or beliefs is false, however much one wants to bring up the example of the Buddha or whoever.

Your sociologist is obviously attached to the idea that there is nothing wrong with porn disimissing the evidence linking it to all sorts of problems in certain individuals and that is his prerogative. In some cases he may even be right, some people are quite happy to look at porn and still have a fulfilling sex life up to a point. However it is not your job to change his mind, you obviously do have a problem with porn. It is your experience with it that leads you to your beliefs, and he is asking you to change your beliefs without knowing your experience. You could go down that route or you could find another therapist who shares your beliefs that porn causes ED.

All science is based on belief and experience. No two people have the same beliefs, no two people have the same experience. Science strives for consensus, but there are always competing theories. Can you cure yourself of ED and still look at porn. Yes. Anything is possible. But given your experience and beliefs it might be far harder than quitting porn to cure your ED. I say anything is possible and I truly believe that, but try levitating, or walking through walls, for example, some people claim to be able to do it, I have never seen one, nor ever been able to do it myself. I don't know what changes I would have to go through in order to do it either.

I think you clearly do have a problem with porn, and you also have a problem with ED, your current therapist views the problem with porn as being how you relate to it, and the problem of ED as having some technical solutions that will help. As I said, it is not your job to change his mind or prove him wrong. If you feel comfortable with the approach then go for it, he might help you, however I get the feeling you are not comfortable with it and would be better off finding a therapist who resonates with you.

Ask yourself what your problem with porn really is. Choose the analysis that fits you best. Then find a therapist who can help you resolve it.

I don't know much about ED having never experienced it, but many, many people on this forum and elsewhere have had the experience that their ED goes away once they stop using porn. There is no reason why you can't have the same experience.

Thank you.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on April 04, 2019, 01:50:13 PM
I would say this about your therapist, "run fast, run far"...

What this person is doing is proselytising a position without actually having looked at it properly himself. He's using his authority to overpower your own thoughts on the matter. I would confidently wager that he has not looked at all the material presented on YBOP and in particular especially Gary Wilson's work. There is actually a good deal of science pointing to PIED being real and the comparison with addiction. Regardless of how your therapist wants to pigeon-hole the definitions, it's foolhardy at best to be declaring porn to be not only ok, but of therapeutic benefit to somebody who has openly been negatively affected by it. He is trying to overwrite your own issues with porn and come around to his way of thinking about it. I'll bet he is a porn user himself. This is not somebody you want to be working with. You will not get anywhere good by working with somebody who denies your reality and replaces it with his own. Believe me, if you feel you have a problem with porn, you have a problem with porn.

As I said, run fast, run far. What an ignorant Charlatan...
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Pete McVries on April 04, 2019, 06:53:54 PM
I would say this about your therapist, "run fast, run far"...

What this person is doing is proselytising a position without actually having looked at it properly himself. He's using his authority to overpower your own thoughts on the matter. I would confidently wager that he has not looked at all the material presented on YBOP and in particular especially Gary Wilson's work. There is actually a good deal of science pointing to PIED being real and the comparison with addiction. Regardless of how your therapist wants to pigeon-hole the definitions, it's foolhardy at best to be declaring porn to be not only ok, but of theoretic benefit to somebody who has openly been negatively affected by it. He is trying to overwrite your own issues with porn and come around to his way of thinking about it. I'll bet he is a porn user himself. This is not somebody you want to be working with. You will not get anywhere good by working with somebody who denies your reality and replaces it with his own. Believe me, if you feel you have a problem with porn, you have a problem with porn.

As I said, run fast, run far. What an ignorant Charlatan...

I wanted to write a long reply, but Malando leapfrogged me. Waste your money elsewhere. This guy can't help. Much worse, he will hurt your progress, if you continue to go to him and listen to him!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Georgos on April 05, 2019, 05:01:36 PM
I want to take a more nuanced approach than Pete and Malando, although I basically agree with them, but I want to write a bit more on this subject.

People have free will. You cannot make choices for them, you can only give them options. You are not producing porn, you are not selling porn, but you cannot stop people from doing that, only give them options. You could become all militant, rise to the level of dictatorship and send anyone who produces porn to the gulag, but even then, if people really want to do something they will find a way. The choice of the gulag or producing porn may seem an obvious one, but believe me if people want to do something, you cannot choose for them, life still offers them an option, that is the nature of life.

So do not try to control people, try to offer them the best choices.

I think there is something to be said for viewing PMO addiction as a compulsive disorder. The idea of choice applies to everything. We are basically fighting with our brains. We are trying to control our reward centre and fetishes. The suppression, the counting days, this causes a reaction until one or the other gives up. We hope our brains will give up. But all to often it becomes a compulsive cycle. A neurosis.

Reconising that porn exists is not a bad strategy, as your therapist suggests. Choosing not to view it because it is giving you ED and binding you to artificial images for pleasure instead of finding pleasure with real women, with the brain binding you to them ultimately in matrimony as it is designed to do is the best strategy, and believe me the only way to change is to make that choice.

But part of you is still bound to the images. I myself practiced viewing P without M or O, becoming mindful of my attachments, before stopping PMO for nine months. I have returned only once since then.

Practicing mindfulness whilst viewing porn and abstaining from PMO may help you transcend the bonds you have with it.

Ultimately you want to have a loving relationship with a woman. You have a problem with porn because it has led you down a path that has hindered you from exploring other paths. You do not need to continue using porn. You can leave it behind, in the past. What you can't do is stop other people from using it, you can give them advice on how to stop, help them find the courage to choose to go without, but ultimately it is their decision.

You may feel that you still have something to learn from PMO, something about the relationship between pleasure and fear, beauty and fetish, artificial and natural, fantasy and reality. All of these things are reasons to keep PMOing. But you may also feel that you have explored these things enough, that to have an erection with a real woman, to make love to a real woman, you need to abstain from PMO. That is still learning something from your PMO experience, indeed you will start to really learn the difference between all those things I listed.

I would advice some mindfulness viewing of P without M or O as it worked for me, though whether it works for you is down to your personal will, I also think you know in your heart that you have chosen PMO over real women too much and need to reset the balance, which means abstaining from PMO altogether.

With regards to the therapist, I would not write him off completely, but I agree with Malando that he probably has no idea of the research and experiences of people with our kinds of struggle, and is not the best therapist for you. You do not have to run, but try and find a therapist better suited is my advice. Thank you.

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on April 05, 2019, 07:14:13 PM
The reason I think MG should run from this therapist is not just because he has a different view of porn or porn addiction, but because he's displaying dominance over his patient. He's not listening to a very real concern and anxiety his patient has, and is trying to brainwash him and pound the pulpit over this issue too - using authority to dominate, holding a dogmatic monologue. Reducing the problem on behalf of the patient. That's a worry for me in a therapeutic dynamic. That attitude can cause problems across the entire scope of the therapy. (I wonder whether this therapist has his own issues around porn...)
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on April 07, 2019, 01:54:27 AM
However it is not your job to change his mind, you obviously do have a problem with porn. It is your experience with it that leads you to your beliefs, and he is asking you to change your beliefs without knowing your experience. You could go down that route or you could find another therapist who shares your beliefs that porn causes ED.

Believe me, I'm not really concerned at all with changing his mind about porn and ED. During my last visit, he was actually this one to bring it up. To me it seems as though he's uncomfortable for some reason with the idea that I would ever consider porn as being an issue or even the fact I mentioned to him that one of my goals was to leave it forever. His response was "why would you consider porn and masturbation a bad thing? It can be a great way to take care of your own sexual needs." On top of that, he also assumes that my desire to leave porn alone is somehow rooted in being uneducated in sex as he also asked me if wanting to do so was rooted in religious beliefs. I told him no and said that I wouldn't even probably be against the idea or using porn if it had not been for the fact that I believe it's directly connected to my ED issues and that I had a history of compulsive use over the years in order to cope with this such things as stress, loneliness and depression. 

And after he felt that I wasn't still sold on the idea that PMO has zero links to ED, he then asked me "So, lets say if science proved porn use and ED were connected, what would it mean for you?" I then said to me it doesn't really matter if it's necessarily backed by science or not. The only thing I want to do is to be able to find a solution to my issues.

I would say this about your therapist, "run fast, run far"...

What this person is doing is proselytising a position without actually having looked at it properly himself. He's using his authority to overpower your own thoughts on the matter. I would confidently wager that he has not looked at all the material presented on YBOP and in particular especially Gary Wilson's work. There is actually a good deal of science pointing to PIED being real and the comparison with addiction. Regardless of how your therapist wants to pigeon-hole the definitions, it's foolhardy at best to be declaring porn to be not only ok, but of therapeutic benefit to somebody who has openly been negatively affected by it. He is trying to overwrite your own issues with porn and come around to his way of thinking about it. I'll bet he is a porn user himself. This is not somebody you want to be working with. You will not get anywhere good by working with somebody who denies your reality and replaces it with his own. Believe me, if you feel you have a problem with porn, you have a problem with porn.

As I said, run fast, run far. What an ignorant Charlatan...

Interesting you bring up him possibly being a porn user himself as that was actually something that crossed my mind during our last session. He seemed to really be stuck, even concerned about the idea of me thinking porn could be harmful or even just wanting to stop the habit altogether even though I had told him from day one, I wanted to leave it in the past. 


I wanted to write a long reply, but Malando leapfrogged me. Waste your money elsewhere. This guy can't help. Much worse, he will hurt your progress, if you continue to go to him and listen to him!

I have a few more sessions scheduled with him. But honestly at this point, I'm seriously just considering doing everything without a therapist now. I think it's basically a hit or miss when dealing with one. That doesn't mean going to one couldn't help but that's just how I'm feeling right now.

Practicing mindfulness whilst viewing porn and abstaining from PMO may help you transcend the bonds you have with it.

That's an interesting approach and while I might consider doing that if I feel I keep failing, right now I don't think that would be the best option for me. I don't even have to touch myself at times while watching porn to organism. Sometimes if I'm just binging enough, I'll end up organisming with no manual stimulation at all. 
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Loving_Mary on April 07, 2019, 06:42:03 PM
Sounds that therapist is clueless.

Mine has worked very well for me.

I saw he had an article on the internet about addictions, that's how I found him.

If you've had a bad experience with a therapist it doesn't necessarily mean you have to handle this all alone...there must be one who understands your problem and has the knowledge to help you.

Take care
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on June 05, 2019, 10:16:25 PM
Not much of an update but I thought I'd post anyway.

I ended up canceling all of my remaining appointments with my therapist a while back and have since then just been trying to do things on my own. I'm not completely ruling out ever going to see another therapist but as of now, I just feel uninterested as I feel too many therapists would most likely have the same mindset regarding this type of issue.

Admittedly, I haven't been doing well with my current progress. I've had multiple streaks broken out of not being able to handle stress properly.

As of late I've been feeling extremely lonely and hopeless. As much as I want to be able to return to my normal fuction and be able to have sex, I feel as though living a life without never once being able to experience the companionship and affection of a woman has been the most difficult and painful thing to deal with. It's something that's made me feel incredibly lost and sad.

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on June 06, 2019, 04:24:55 PM
I know how you feel man - I'm not getting any improvements whatsoever. Simply asexual.

I'm just concentrating on other stuff in life now. Keep building up your life too, man. Have a plan, maybe in few years time we will heal and hopefully by then we will be comfortable enough in ourselves to go and meet females.

Good luck.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on June 06, 2019, 06:50:38 PM
Thanks for the support. I don't always feel asexual but almost never really turned on by anything. There are times I might get somewhat of an errection in the morning but that's usually it and those go away quickly.

There is one girl I met a while back. She lives in my neighborhood. One night we ran into each other on the bus and chatted for a few minutes after we got to our stop. I didn't feel turned on really but that night after I went to bed, I had a dream that we were having sex. It's strange because I generally almost never have dreams about sex anymore. Usually the only time I may have a dream about sex is when I'm on a months long streak of nofap.

She actually ended up giving me her number but as of right now, were just friends. I'm suspicious there's some interest but I'm not gonna think too much of it like I've done before.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on June 17, 2019, 09:03:26 PM
Interesting video I found. It dosen't talk about porn or PIED specifically but it still talks about the same principles of how internet use can sometimes negitivly rewire our brains

https://youtu.be/l_FZK1ROO0A

Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: jorge2166 on July 14, 2019, 05:04:38 PM
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on July 14, 2019, 07:07:48 PM
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD IDEA!!!

Don't do this! It's appalling advice. Sex workers do not provide a natural or supportive environment for getting over sexual anxiety. The only things that will help are situations that make you feel emotionally secure. That means you have to develop your confidence with a real person who gives you feedback that they are happy to be there with you - not somebody who is jaded with sex and has devalued it to a mechanical transaction that disgusts them at heart.

Did I mention, BAD IDEA?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: manchacat on July 15, 2019, 12:11:04 PM
maybe checking out stuff like taoist sexual practices may help,  check the multiorgasmic lover by jim benson for example, or other stuff like that, search sexual kung fu, taoist sex, tantra, etc,  from what i read, you have no interest in going back to porn ever, which means half your battle is already won

i think you are familiar with mindfulness? if not check shinzen young work, it´s very good.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on July 23, 2019, 06:43:31 PM
start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.


As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD IDEA!!!

Don't do this! It's appalling advice. Sex workers do not provide a natural or supportive environment for getting over sexual anxiety. The only things that will help are situations that make you feel emotionally secure. That means you have to develop your confidence with a real person who gives you feedback that they are happy to be there with you - not somebody who is jaded with sex and has devalued it to a mechanical transaction that disgusts them at heart.

Did I mention, BAD IDEA?

@jorge2166 I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my thread. But honestly, I'd rather just go without than ever seek out a prostitute. Yes, I want to experience having successful sex. No question about that. However, there are other things that I have now realized that are of a greater importance that I want for myself such as actually being able to share affection and feel close to a woman for the first time. Sex I hope would definitely be a part of that experience but, it's not something that I desire above all else.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on July 23, 2019, 09:29:25 PM
maybe checking out stuff like taoist sexual practices may help,  check the multiorgasmic lover by jim benson for example, or other stuff like that, search sexual kung fu, taoist sex, tantra, etc,  from what i read, you have no interest in going back to porn ever, which means half your battle is already won

i think you are familiar with mindfulness? if not check shinzen young work, it´s very good.

I will definitely look into that. Thank you for the advice.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on August 07, 2019, 10:06:07 PM
Bit of an update. I just went out on a date with a girl 2 days ago and it went great! We spent 6 hours together. She said she had an excellent time with me and looks forward to seeing me again soon! I've actually mentioned this same girl briefly before a while back when I said I was talking to her and later noticed that I had some precum in my underwear afterwards. I actually noticed this happened again after our date too!

I've also noticed that since then, I've seen more precum in the morning and seem a little bit more responsive than I have been lately also. In addition to that, I've also made it to my latest 30 day streak of nofap. I feel bad that my current streak isn't much longer than this as I've had multiple relapses. But so far, these last 30 days haven't felt all that difficult .
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on August 08, 2019, 02:33:50 PM
Good stuff, man! Good luck with her!

Also, do not relapse again! Honestly, that makes things worse and worse. Eventually the efects of relapse would compound and compound in your brain and then eventually you may run of time to recover! (you know, you might get old and everything and still haven't recovered)

Keep going, personally getting close up and personal with a female was hormone inducing moment for me. Maybe the feeling of hormones was not as intense as expected, but you have to bear in mind that I was at a night club, not in the privacy of a bedroom. Therefore I expect  there will be a  lot of improvement for us, we just have to stop relapsing as now we're nearly middle aged!

Keep strong!
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on September 06, 2019, 06:10:33 PM
Not much of an update, but more about my current mood. For whatever reason, I've been feeling really lonely and depressed. I have moments when I feel ok and then there's others that I feel as though all I want to do is cry. I'm not about to PMO but I do recognize that these types of feelings have kept me failing over and over again because I've used it as a way to cope. Unfortunately, I've used porn as a substitute for the loving girlfriend I've never had.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on September 08, 2019, 10:21:11 AM
I'm at a stage where I rarely feel like crying - I still feel deeply sad, but I'm hardy able to cry about it.

Life's a fucking bitch.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: MinneapolisGuy on October 07, 2019, 10:12:15 PM
How do you guys avoid falling into the PMO trap when you're feeling extrealy depressed? Virtually every time I've had a relapse, it's always involved a deep sense of depression to the point where I just want to block the pain with something and that something always ended up being PMO.

What's the best way of dealing with those emotions and never falling into that trap again?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: BootLoader on October 12, 2019, 01:33:34 PM
How do you guys avoid falling into the PMO trap when you're feeling extrealy depressed? Virtually every time I've had a relapse, it's always involved a deep sense of depression to the point where I just want to block the pain with something and that something always ended up being PMO.

What's the best way of dealing with those emotions and never falling into that trap again?
The answer is pretty simple, more relapse equals to more depression, it's an infinity loop. I hate the feeling of being suicidal an feel empty all the time. In our age PMO and MO are not an option. It took me ages to heal at least for myself. Just think about that and start today not tomorrow.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on October 13, 2019, 10:31:41 AM
For me it was one deciding moment that simply killed all temptations for PMO - this was when I discovered my shrunk penis following a PMO.

It hit me so hard emotionally that it was enough to make me stop at once.

Needless to say, the last 2-3 years have been extremely stressful for me (not least because I had a stressful job). It was suicide territory stuff.   
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mattdes on October 13, 2019, 11:46:40 PM
I read you loud and clear dude. I am using exercise and meditation. My longest streak was with help from meditation. As soon as i got drunk i lost all my focus and stopped meditation. It doesn't have to be any hippy stuff. I use a guided breathing meditation. It's easy and over time it's easier and easier to block out thoughts. You feel really good after emptying your head for 10 minutes. It's a reset in itself.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mattdes on October 20, 2019, 02:07:24 AM
Who are you talking to depressed and out? The original poster or my last comment. Either way it's out of line.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: DepressedAndOut on October 20, 2019, 05:29:17 AM
Who are you talking to depressed and out? The original poster or my last comment. Either way it's out of line.

Someone was posting Pr-Porn spam in this thread and he even sent me PMs about it - his posts have been deleted now.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: malando on October 20, 2019, 09:06:13 AM
Sorry, I missed Depressed and Out's post and should have deleted it because it was out of context after I had already deleted the offending users posts that it referred to. D & O was not out of line at all. The posts were very offensive and completely absurd. He is a disgruntled former member who comes back periodically to protest the cause here at RN and claims to be all about freedom and shattering myths about porn. He is now a porn-advicate because he has failed to conquer his addiction so he took a "if you can't beat em, join em" approach. I know this to be true because he used to post desperately about not being able to give up and how bad porn was. He isn't able to be permanently banned because he uses a VPN to sign up each time. I delete his posts and accounts each time I see them, but sometimes they linger for 24 hours or so if I'm busy.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mattdes on October 20, 2019, 11:07:43 AM
Ah ok. Sorry depressedandout. I  came on the forum when i was feeling a bit weak and saw that comment and got paranoid. I hope you are doing well.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: mattdes on October 20, 2019, 11:10:02 AM
That sucks Malando . It's hard enough without fools trying to undermine the good fight. How can anyone embrace pmo when they know how much damage it does. I hope the comments didn't faze you.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: discobolus on November 04, 2019, 11:16:03 AM
Day 125

Had my testosterone levels tested last week which I hadn't had done since 8 years. Dr. said everything looks good. What's strange though is that my levels are seemingly higher now than before.

2018:

Albumin 4.6 g/dL
Testosterone 951.9 ng/dL
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin   50.7 nmol/L
Testosterone Free (Calculated) 16.66 ng/dL

2010:

Testosterone 483 ng/dL
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin   20 nmol/L

I know I’m responding to a post from nearly a year ago but I’ve been reading various threads and came across this. I’m a doctor who knows quite a bit about hormone therapy. Your total testosterone is fine but your sex hormone binding globulin is way to high and this your free testosterone although in the normal range is pretty low. For example my total testosterone is about the same as yours but free testosterone is double yours. One thing you can do to naturally treat that is supplement with boron. Take 6 mg twice daily. The NOW or Life Extension brands are both good. You may notice some improvements with higher free testosterone.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Edit_undo on November 06, 2019, 08:57:28 PM
Discobolus:
I’ve never heard of supplementing with boron before. I have not had my hormones tested, is there any harm in trying a low dose for short term?
 This paper ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4712861/#__ffn_sectitle ) seems to be saying that boron is useful for a variety of functions (wound healing, even preventing disease or reducing effects from exposure) in addition to what you mentioned, and is available in very low amounts even in nutritious diets. It sounds worthwhile to try even just short term. Is there any harm?
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: discobolus on November 06, 2019, 09:08:05 PM
Discobolus:
I’ve never heard of supplementing with boron before. I have not had my hormones tested, is there any harm in trying a low dose for short term?
 This paper ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4712861/#__ffn_sectitle ) seems to be saying that boron is useful for a variety of functions (wound healing, even preventing disease or reducing effects from exposure) in addition to what you mentioned, and is available in very low amounts even in nutritious diets. It sounds worthwhile to try even just short term. Is there any harm?

I don’t know of any harm. What it does in regards to testosterone is lower sex hormone binding globulin so it frees up more testosterone so the body can actually use is. I found a study which showed that in young men elevated sex hormone binding globulin was associated with ED.
Title: Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
Post by: Edit_undo on November 07, 2019, 08:27:44 PM
Very interesting, thanks!