Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: Recovering1 on April 13, 2018, 12:10:56 AM

Title: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on April 13, 2018, 12:10:56 AM
Hello all,

I have a problem with porn. I'm 28 years old and have been using pornography since I was 13. Im one of those adolescents who got caught up in the techno-porn wave right around 2006. My addiction resulted in the destruction of a 3 year relationship (with a great deal of emotional distress) and has prevented me from forming any truly deep and healthy sexual connections with women.

Before finding this forum, I was aware that I had a problem. I even got so far as to quit looking at porn, although I did replace it with dating apps and social media. Initially, anything was better than porn. I thought as long as I wasn't looking at explicit images then I could recover.
I have since realized that a full reboot is necessary.

Im currently 2 weeks into a reboot (no relapses) and the flatline has been hard to deal with. The realization of the damage done by this addiction has steeled my resolve never go back to my old ways, but the anxiety that comes from not being able to get an erection is brutal. It drives me crazy actually. I realize that patience is going to be key and that fifteen years of abuse will not be undone in a couple of weeks (no matter how much I wish it so), but that doesn't make the anxiety go away.

 To be quite frank, finding this forum is a huge relief. Particularly having somebody like Gabe Deem, who I would never have guessed to have this issue, tell me that it's gonna be alright as long as I stick to the reboot takes such a weight off my back. Seeing other journals and other posts motivate me and make me feel like I'm not alone.

The journey to full recovery will take longer than I'd like, and I'm never going to be comfortable with this flatline garbage. But I know it's necessary. And to see other people sucking it up and trudging forward puts a fire in my heart to keep on pushing for recovery. So thank you to everyone who participates in this forum, and thank you to the forum's creators. I was going to try and do this all on my own but now I don't think I have to. And that makes me feel better than anything else right now.

4/14/18 12:21 am

Today was a shitty day.
I spent most of the day reading info on rebooting and trying to expand my understanding. It made me realize the depth of the damage done to myself through PMO. My desire to stay clean has not wavered, but I think Im gonna be one of those guys who has to deal with recovery from 6 months to a year. Whatever. I'll do what it takes. What sucks the most is my love life.

I have huge crush on this young woman and I know for a fact that she is at least sexually attracted to me. I had the opportunity to sleep with her but I had to turn her down because of my PIED. I did NOT want to go through the embarrassment of explaining why my tool didn't work, particularly with a woman that I have such strong emotions for.

What's worse is I think all she really wants is sex, which of course, I cannot provide at the moment. So I'm starting to realize the bitter truth that I'm probably going to have to let her go. And that hurts. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me upset that I did this to myself. I put myself in this position. Deep down I know this is a small price to pay for future healthy relationships, but it still sucks tremendously. And it hurts. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

addendum to post: I just realized that I haven't gone into much detail about my current situation. At the moment I am in a very deep flatline. My penis just feels like it's taking up space between my legs. Prior to starting this reboot. It has been 5 years at least since I was able to have healthy sex with a woman.This didn't stop me from trying, and in turn, embarrassing myself. In my case, erections are few and short lived.

4/17/18 12:52 AM

Well, the flatline is still going strong. I've accepted that I'll probably take more than 30 days without coming out of it. Hell, even if it takes 90 or more, I've been reading so much material about porn addiction and it's effects that Im starting to have a little hope. Im not nearly as depressed as I was a few days ago (maybe this is just a lull in the rollercoaster ride) and today was particularly productive. Since my last post I've tried to keep myself buried in study or working out or cleaning. Anything to draw my focus away from my situation. I look forward to every day because it puts one less day between me and full recovery and one more day between me and my addiction. However, I do worry about reconditioning myself to a real partner. I don't have anyone right now and Im definitely not gonna start looking any time soon.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on April 27, 2018, 11:15:25 PM
Well, I'm more than 3 weeks into my reboot and I feel MUCH better than I did at the start. I still don't have morning wood, but I am starting to feel some life come back to my junk. I've started to take notice of women more and I feel like they're taking notice of me. Maybe they always were and I was just too consumed by the porn to notice it.

The progress I've made has increased my motivation tenfold. However, I am aware that when confidence is high people tend to slip up and make mistakes. The urge to test myself is there but I refuse to give in to it. The only tests I'll be conducting are with living, breathing, women.

Im gonna give myself the opportunity to conduct one such test here in a couple weeks with the same girl I mentioned in the first post. I haven't told her about my issues and I really don't plan on it as I'm still not sure what her goals are (just looking for some action or a relationship). I hope its the latter but if it's the former, I'll give it a shot.

Also, reading everyone's stories on this forum (and others) has been a tremendous tool in helping me push forward. So thank you to everyone who participates. Even if you're just doing it for your own sake, these shared experiences are pretty much the greatest weapon I have against this addiction.

And to anyone reading my story. Stay strong. I've got a long way to go but the journey thus far has produced incredible changes in me. From motivation, to clear thinking, to interacting socially with women, Im noticing and appreciating things about women I know I had stopped seeing. I absolutely cannot wait for the progress to come.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on April 28, 2018, 08:49:29 PM
For the first time in I don't know how long I woke up with morning wood today. What a hell of a way to start your day. It feels amazing to actually see and feel improvement, but I know I have to stay strong and guard myself against future temptation. Im not out of the woods yet.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 02, 2018, 02:02:18 AM
It's day 27 on hardmode and Im still cruising along. I did hit a trigger earlier though. For me, reading those cheesy-ass porn star names is enough to get me fantasizing. So, of course Yahoo does a news article about some porn star standing up for sex worker's rights against assault and discrimination. This is all well and noble of course, but my deal is the trigger. I read this woman's stage name and it's like my eyes dilate and that jacked up lizard brain kicks in. I could actually feel the little rush I got from reading it and I could see how my old self would just fall into the pattern of PMO lock-step. Instead of doing that, I closed the article (sex worker's will just have to survive without me for the time being) and came straight to this journal. I refuse to sacrifice this streak BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH AN ACTUAL IN-THE-FLESH WOMAN.

And the journey continues...
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 05, 2018, 02:21:40 AM
Day freakin' 30. It is good to be here. In the very beginning, I was incredibly irritated that it took so long for me to put all of this together. And by "this" I mean all of the problems that porn abuse was causing me. I know now that Im well on the way to recovery, and this first milestone boosts my confidence. I am never looking back. Ive read a few journals on here where people have relapsed and had to start over; people with streaks longer than mine. But I am FIRED UP! I can honestly say that in the last 30 days I have laid the smackdown on any urge or temptation to PMO that I've had. No edging. No trolling instagram pages. I deleted my dating app profiles and even all the pics I had that real women sent me (and there was some good stuff in there, but it's all gone. Good riddance). I cannot imagine going back to the way I was. I know Im not the first to say this or feel this way, but man, fuck that shit. Enough is enough. So bring on day 60, and then bring on day 90 and however many days it takes. Im gonna beat this. Whatever it takes. Im relentlessly pursuing recovery.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 11, 2018, 03:08:11 AM
Well, it's day 36 and I have to 35 felt like total shit. I didn't PMO or have any real struggle with temptation (for which I am grateful), but I did feel some emotion like I haven't felt in quite a long time. And that emotion was rejection. I was supposed to meet up with the woman I've mentioned in earlier posts. I know that I've also mentioned my feelings for her were quite strong. Well, sure enough she forgot about our plans entirely and asked to reschedule with me. Being polite, I said yes and we made plans to meet up again Monday, but honestly, I hope she forgets again. The only reason she rescheduled is because I had messaged her earlier in the day to make sure everything was copacetic. Several hours later I got the "OMG I'm so sorry!" text that made my eyes roll to the back of my head and my heart sink into my gut. I don't know what it is about this woman but she has got a hold of me and we haven't even slept together. I don't even know her that well. We've "known" each other for going on 5 years now but just cordially. Friends of friends and that sort of thing. And throughout that entire period, I've always harbored some little crush for her. After going on one date, it was full blown. If that makes me a fool, then so be it but the heart wants what it wants.
Part of me wonders if these emotions are so strong because of the reboot. I've read it's supposed to be an emotional rollercoaster and I don't doubt the testimony of others, but my feelings for her were present before I even started this reboot.
Anyway, I spent the entire day overthinking this situation. So much so that I spent the last hour power walking the streets of my neighborhood with my headphones on (it helps calm me and gives me an outlet), and it's 3 o'clock in the morning. When Monday comes, I'm not going to make the mistake of reminding her of me by texting again. If I'm only to serve as a distraction for her, then I'd rather not be apart of her life. All that would do is bring me pain in the end.
I know this forum is supposed to be for porn addiction recovery and not relationship woes, but what the hell, this is my journal and this is what I'm feeling right now.
On the bright side, my streak is still going strong. If anything, this situation motivates me even more to strive for recovery, so that the next woman that grabs my heart can have something else to grab as well, if ya know wut I mean ;)
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 16, 2018, 12:42:17 AM
Officially, it's day 41 of my hardmode streak. I've been feeling a little down. Today in particular, I didn't want to do anything. Eventually I got off my ass this afternoon and did some yard work, got a really nice squat workout in, did some evening grocery shopping. I managed to stick to the meal plan I've been following for some time now. But through all that I've been a little depressed. My junk feels a little flat today too.

I did have a run in with some pretty strong temptation earlier though. During my early morning sloth-fest, I ran into some swimsuit model pics while aimlessly surfing the internet on my laptop. My member perked up a little bit and I toyed with the idea of masturbating to these pics ever so briefly. But there was no way I was going to relapse and end this streak. I've said it before when I was feeling great and I'm saying it now while I'm feeling low; there is no way I'm giving in to temptation and setting myself back to where I was before. I am forever holding up the middle finger to PMO.

I successfully went on a date with the woman from my earlier posts. We had fun, had a few drinks, smoked a blunt and listened to Pantera. It was a really nice time. She's definitely interested in me, but she's moving away to pursue her doctorate in August. She told me she didn't want anything serious. I said I was cool with that, and I am. But if she changes her mind, I wouldn't be opposed to that either. I have the summer to play it by ear and see what happens. The opportunity for sex didn't present itself on this date either (for which I'm actually pretty grateful). I don't think I was quite ready for any action just yet. And I know she's about to start her period so I've got a week or so to get out of this funk I'm in. That's another reason I'm so motivated. I really want to have sex with this woman lol.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: PhakePhakerson on May 16, 2018, 01:38:39 AM
You're doing good work Recovering1. Keep it up! I really like how you use your journal, and reading the journals of others, as tools for your recovery. I want to start doing that.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 17, 2018, 10:02:40 PM
So I'm getting pretty close to 45 days hard mode and I'm still going strong and part of me wonders, why?
Before I came across the YBOP website, this forum, and the NoFap forums, the longest streak I can remember putting together was two weeks. Yet here I am at day 42 still extremely motivated, albeit still a lil' blue.

I know that being given the blunt truth of the matter by everyone on these forums and anyone who ever did a youtube post about PIED really put the spotlight on my problem. I couldn't deny it anymore. So yeah, there's that. However, I see guys on here with that very same motivation who kind of hit a wall when they get to a certain length of streak.

On the one hand, that scares me a little. Sacrificing this streak for what I know will ruin any future healthy sexual relationships I may have, that thought is almost unthinkable, you know? One day I want to not need this forum. I don't ever want to get back to using porn, but I eventually I want all of this to be a memory, a learning experience.

I know that focusing on that fear helps make it easier to give in so I just forget about it when it comes up. Instead, I think of the future where I'll be able to have a steady girl and have steady sex without anxiety or any form of PIED, and that gives me something to strive for.
I'll tell you what else helps, and I think it really helps (Idk what y'all think), is having someone of the opposite sex to interact with.

The one woman I've mentioned in all my posts is a tremendous motivation for me. I want to be able to perform when I get my chance. If I were to be in the moment just to have it stolen from me by a relapse, ugh the first word I can think to write is "fury." Another is "embarrassment."
But even then I'm trying to interact with other women too, even if it's just casual conversation. I'm really trying to advance my healing. Just like with this journal, it's all a tool to get me to that endgame where my dick works.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 23, 2018, 12:54:06 AM
It's day 48 and I have some bad news. The woman who has been the object of my desires is moving away from my city. Initially she was moving away at the end of the summer to pursue her doctorate, but I believe she had to accelerate her plans due to finding living space.

She messaged me regretfully, sorry that we couldn't go on any of the other dates that we planned. She told me that she'd be back in early August and that she wanted to see me again. This makes me happy, but not nearly happy enough to outweigh my sadness at her early departure.

This one stings a little bit. And I'm not upset at her or anything. If I were in her shoes, I'd do the same thing. I mean, I kind of am. This time next year I'll be finished with my degree and hopefully starting a new career.
As sad as I am at her leaving, I'm still happy to have had what little time with her that I did. She was the jump start for this recovery journey that I'm on. She was my initial motivation.

I still feel the sting of regret at my addiction to porn, because if not for that I could have slept with her that first night she gave me a chance. Maybe that would've changed things. It could have possibly accelerated my relationship with her. Probably not. In any event, Im not so depressed that I'm going to turn my back on this reboot. There will be other women, and I hope she meant it when she said she'd see me again. By then I'd be almost 6 months PMO free and alot more recovered I can imagine. But if not, I must press onward.

Another thing I mull about is that I had a long-ass time to pursue this girl. I mean, I'd known of her existence for years already, but I took too long working up the nerve to ask her out. I wonder how much of that is due to my porn use? I have no doubt that excessive PMO dulled me for years. It kept me hazy and made it easy for me to procrastinate and make poor decisions (hence the fact that I'm 28 and still in college, but I digress). However, I'm not trying to place external blame for my circumstances. I take full responsibility for what I did to myself. And I cannot wait to be out of this hole I dug myself into. Until then I'll just keep on shoveling shit until I can see the sky. If there's one thing I can do, it's grind. I won't break. Im not built that way.

As far as other developments in my life, I've picked up a job working security at a couple bars on the weekends. The extra cash is nice, but more importantly there are a shitload of beautiful women that come to the place I work on Sunday nights. Im thinking I need to practice my socialization with women and what better way to do it, right? Right. I'm glad we agree.

Then there's the penis update. As I said, it's early morning day 48. I had been in a flatline the past few days, but this past day I was pretty horny. I did let my mind slip into some sexual fantasy (based on actual sexual encounters I've had with real women, not porn) and my penis responded accordingly. This was a confidence booster because I was able to get pretty hard pretty quickly. After awhile, I toned myself down as I didn't want to be fighting the temptation to masturbate. I don't think masturbating in and of itself is a bad thing, but for me, I had abused porn for so long that I'm only going to allow sexual release through contact with women. I still haven't had any wet dreams or spontaneous erections so I'm assuming my brain has more rewiring to do. Im just happy that my penis doesn't feel like a numb piece of meat anymore. It's also not a shriveled little raisin like it was for awhile there. Imagine how happy I'll be when I'm able to use it without worry. One day at a time.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: abetterfuture on May 23, 2018, 02:56:48 AM
Hey, really like your journals and updates. I really look forward to your full recovery date as you just don't know how much I can relate to your experience. I'm only on Day 3 after another relapse. Your journals are truly encouraging. Like you said, one day at a time!  ;)
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on May 25, 2018, 10:01:17 AM
It's day 50. Ive been posting more often here recently. I didn't intend to post every other day from the beginning, but the hits just keep on coming and I feel like I need to vent about it.

I went out with a different woman last night. We've dated before (and slept together). I've known her for sometime as well, but she's always been more of a hook-up relationship than someone I seriously pursued. Still, she's cool and I have nothing bad to say about her. Anyway, we went out and had a few drinks. Eventually I got her back to my place and up to my bedroom. I took all of her clothes completely off and could not get an erection for the life of me. It wasn't as embarrassing or frustrating as I thought it would be, because I've stayed clean. I haven't relapsed in 50 days. But it does suck donkey dong. Like, shit man, it's been 50 days (at least) since I jerked off and more than that since I last looked at porn. The past couple days I had been horny as hell too, but when the magic moment came the flatline greeted me with open arms.

I know this means I need more time to recover. It sucks, but I said from the beginning that I thought I'd be one of those guys that required 6 months or more to be fully recovered. I hope that isn't the case, but 50 days is obviously not enough. So....I'll just keep on plugging along.

Im still thinking about my girl that left town. I haven't messaged her yet, figured I'd give her a little space. Im gonna hold out hope that I get to see her in August when she comes back. My plan is to intermittently make contact with her over the summer, to keep her reminded of me. Then, when she returns, with the full glory of my raging boner I shall ravage her body passionately. Whether or not that makes her fall for me, time will tell. But hopefully by August my dick will be working and I can actually do this shit Im talking about. I hope this doesn't make me sound pathetic, to be pining over this girl still. And if it does, fuck it. I like her. If I keep at it, maybe one day I'll successfully win her heart. Just like I'm going to win this fucking reboot.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: KnewNes on May 29, 2018, 02:32:58 PM
Keep on keeping on, the same kinda thing happened to me, wasn't for 50 days but i hadn't orgasmed in a week got with girlfriend after one round i just couldn't get it up. Actually watched porn in between the session to try to finish but i was so embarrassed that i even had to resort to that. I can tell my gf wasn't thrilled but she's supportive and after she orgasmed she just wanted me to as well. Its crazy how it happened, I was so horny leading up to that night. But it just means i need to holdout longer. Absolutely great job for holding out that long when i get there ill be thrilled
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on June 04, 2018, 05:28:32 AM
60 days. Everything has been pretty chill since my last post. The flatline comes and goes. The sadness comes and goes. But whatever, I'm sticking to it. Working in a bar is starting to help me with my assertiveness. People become morons when they're drunk and dealing with that is certainly a developed skill.

And then there are times when you just gotta grab a motherfucker by the neck and throw 'em in the parking lot, which certainly helps with depression lol. You can't be sad when you have to be aggressive, and sometimes being aggressive is fun. Honestly, it makes me feel like I've got my balls back. My last attempt at sex was seriously killer on my self-confidence. Like, damn. But, I know it's just another step in my journey to recovery.
I've got another date with yet another woman on Thursday. She's from out of town and has a serious thing for me. Like, she is really into me. Almost to the point where it freaks me out a little bit. She's probably going to want to have sex with me which I can see as a bad thing for 2 reasons.

First, I don't know how responsive the flatline will be with me. I'm not going to embarrass myself again so soon after my last failed attempt. It's just not worth it. That would only make me feel shittier for not having addressed this issue sooner in my life.

Second, even if my dick is rock solid and ready to go, I'm not sure sleeping with her is the best idea just yet. I feel like if I were to sleep with her, she'd be one of those obsessive and overprotective girlfriends. Now, I don't know this for a fact. I could be totally wrong. But I don't think so. In any event, I mean to take it slow with whomever I see for the foreseeable future. I've got more recovering to do. 
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Redfire03 on June 04, 2018, 10:24:27 AM
Take it slow. Once you get to touching and kissing let your body tell you if your ready. It will let you know, if your body is good to go.  You make that decision man. Idk how far you are into your reboot. But you can only make the best decision for yourself. Good luck man keep update.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on June 16, 2018, 05:09:28 AM
Day 72. I've been dealing with some serious temptation here lately. I've stayed strong. No relapses. But I'd be a liar if I said it was easy. The flatline is still with me, and I've been getting more attention from women lately too so it's killing me to not have function on demand. But, what can I do? I have to keep recovering.

I ended up not sleeping with that last woman I mentioned, and it wasn't because of me. In fact, when we started making out and getting a little physical with each other, my guy was actually ready to go. However, I don't think it's gonna work out with this girl. So in the end, I'm glad we didn't hook up.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on July 15, 2018, 02:02:02 PM
Day 101 w/out PMO.

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. I just haven't had anything that I wanted to say. Some aspects of my life have improved greatly, others haven't. I've stayed strong on the streak and I've got to say I am incredibly happy with the results. Im not 100% recovered, but I have come SUCH A LONG WAY. Even now, sitting here typing this, I can feel life in my loins. I don't mean I have a hard on or anything. What I mean is that my penis doesn't feel like an empty piece of meat anymore. There's a reconnect between him and my brain that was not there for years. This is what drives me. I cannot sacrifice this feeling because that is essentially the same as sacrificing my manhood. That is something I absolutely cannot do. There have been many temptations. In fact, there are still many temptations. I get hit with temptation pretty much every day. However, Im getting better and better at tuning them out. Like Seinfeld said, I am the master of my domain.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my emotional state is less than great. It seems that I mention my depression in just about every post and this one is no different. I have felt like shit the past few days. It comes and goes and Im working through it but I just wish I could move past it entirely, ya know? And part of that is my frustration at relationships with women. Or the lack-thereof, I should say.

Now that Im beginning to view women differently, Im beginning to realize how terrible I am at interacting with them. I've got no "game" whatsoever. Constantly putting my foot in my mouth is frustrating. On top of that Im not ashamed to say that I'm a pretty good looking guy. One would hope that should be enough, but alas, it is not. I keep telling myself that this stuff is temporary. "Its just nerves, lack of experience, you're getting in your own head and making it worse." All this I tell myself, and to a certain extent, believe. But its still frustrating, particularly when it seems some guys have no problems at all (Im referring to one of my coworkers and a good friend. He makes meeting and interacting with women seem effortless). I'll get through this. I'll do it the same way I get through everything: keep my chin up and take one step at a time.

But I am doing well in other areas. Im getting more assertive at work (this is a trait that has taken some cultivating). Im doing well at university (2 more semesters and I'm finished with my degree). The willpower Ive developed battling PMO has begun to carry over into other parts of my life. Im more active and focused. Im getting better and better at "handling my bidness". I've stuck to a meal plan for a few weeks and am beginning to see results. My weight training is going well (I powerlift). So it isnt all bad. I just have to try not to wallow in the darkness whenever it comes.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on September 04, 2018, 03:26:20 AM
I don't know what day I'm on anymore. I stopped keeping track really. It's 3 in the morning on September 4 and I needed somewhere to vent.

I've been doing really really well on my battle against PMO addiction. I've had a couple slip ups where I let myself slide into my old patterns, but only on a few occasions and Ive managed to pull myself out of it every time before I did too much damage. I've kept in touch with the girl I was crushing on earlier in the summer. We're friends. She saw a concert with me when she came in town to visit. We made out. It was awesome. Then she left town again. So she and I are back to square one.

I met another girl. Beautiful woman. I used to go to school with her ages ago when we were in middle school. I fell for her hard. She told me she loved me, gave me a key to her place, and it seemed like the feelings were mutual. We went out on a few dates before she wanted to get physical, but when we did get physical I did not disappoint. It was awesome. My penis was working better than I ever remember, honestly. I think part of that had to do with the connection I thought we shared. It wasn't just sex. This woman said she loved me and I was starting to feel it. That emotional connection is something I haven't experienced with anyone in so long. But then things took a turn. She started bailing on me. Then she started lying to me about things going on in her life (which I only discovered in retrospect). She had been seeing her ex-boyfriend at the same time she was seeing me, knowing fully that I expected (and returned) commitment.

I've gotta say this whole thing really tore me up. It still is. All of this happened in the span of 5 weeks, so yes it was a whirlwind love affair and I was probably foolish to get so involved so quickly, but damn it felt good. It felt like I wasn't numb anymore. I had no desire for anything fake. Pixels on a screen couldn't replace what it was like to feel her arms wrapped around me. Since I realized that I was getting played, you'd think I'd slip into some deep recession and start abusing myself again, however the opposite has occurred.

I feel like I'm in a flatline again. I fight depression pretty much every day. Extreme emotional swings are a symptom of recovery from this PMO disease and maybe that's had some influence on how shitty I feel all the time, but I am not going back. I am as resolved to fully recover from this disease as I was on day 30 of my initial streak. I sit here broken-hearted but steely-eyed and ready for the future. I learn from my mistakes. It was a mistake to waste years of my life on porn. It was a mistake to trust someone so completely in so little time. My mistakes will not bury me. They will be the foundation of my success.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on September 12, 2018, 11:02:32 PM
September 12

I cannot shake this sadness. I've already gone out and socialized. I got a few numbers from a couple different girls this weekend. I could probably get a date if I really wanted to. But MAN do I feel depressed. Its just so terrible to me that I got played the way I did by the woman from my previous post. I'll refer to her as JDB. I suppose it's a good thing that I feel this way about a real woman, but it's super painful to get faded the way I did. Ugh. I don't know where else to write anything so I'm just bleeding out my emotions in this journal.

My flatline comes and goes. It's only been about a week since my last entry and I said I was in flatline. Well, a couple days ago I was horny as hell. Right now I don't feel that way though. I looked at porn once in the past week as well. I didn't PMO but I sure wanted to. I managed to stop myself, but it was tough. At the moment, I have no urge to PMO or even look at porn. I know I've made so much progress in recent months and I'm not about to throw it away.

I just don't know what to do about the pain I feel. I know it will fade in time, but I'm incredibly impatient with this shit. Its like a shroud of sadness that just follows me around all damn day. I smoke weed to help distract me. It helps some, but even that isn't going to last forever. In fact, it probably won't even last through the week. Im trying to get a job/internship as an accountant and all those positions drug test. I'd rather have a career than a drug habit so I told myself I wouldn't buy anymore after I smoke through the rest of my stash. It'll be a nice exercise in willpower, as Im a daily smoker.

But then I'll be all alone in my own head with whatever depression throws at me. No distractions. Nothing to drown it out. Im not gonna start drinking over this either. That's a shitty road that I've been down once before as well (also over a woman).

I have to pick myself up. All of this venting I'm doing on this post is making me think a little less of myself. I'm stronger than this. I have the capacity to drag myself out of this hole. I've been digging myself out of holes (financial, educational, psychological) quite a bit the last couple years. I knew it was going to be difficult, but the sadness was a curveball I didn't expect. It'll pass. Part of the reason it sticks around is because deep down I still want JBD. Whatever short time we had together made me happy. I remember it vividly. If she called me right now and apologized Id probably forgive her (foolish, I know). But I don't think she's going to call. And I'm too proud to call her. Fuck that. That would be a level of pathetic I won't delve to no matter how depressed I get.

Whatever. This is a very "stream-of-consciousness" type post so forgive me if reading it is a little painful. I just had to let all this crap out somewhere and I don't really want to vent like this to my family or friends. They've all got their own shit to handle.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Stiffy on September 13, 2018, 05:26:44 AM
Hey man. I’ve dealt with plenty of issues with women. It is tough. Nobody wants to be alone for the most part, and I think most people are seeking love with a single partner they can call theirs forever. I’ve had the toughest year of my life this year as well. You know why though? It’s because I am facing my issues instead of running and escaping from them. This is fucking hard. But we are better for it and will come out on the other side 10x better and happier when we begin to make real progress and reclaim ourselves. This will make us stronger and happier with ourselves. Idk about you but my self-worth goes out the window when I am not making an effort to be my best self and am in the “fuck-it” mentality. Not only will we be better people for ourselves,  but we will be more capable of loving others.

You got this. It’s always darkest before the dawn as they say. We are trudging through the muddy water to get to dry land and building ourselves along the way.

Keep going. You’ll find happiness as long as you keep searching and making the effort.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on September 15, 2018, 07:48:46 PM
Thanks Stiffy, I really needed the reassurance. It is fucking hard. And it is dark. But you're right. Im just going to keep grinding. Your words really took some weight off me.
Title: Re: Ready to Recover
Post by: Recovering1 on October 01, 2018, 03:16:08 PM
Well, my strength of will faltered today and I PMO'd. Several times in fact. All of the depression and frustration I've been feeling the past few months just came to a head and I lost control of myself. I'm trying to spare myself the guilt-trip I normally go on after I PMO. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't do anything. I just remind myself of all the material on the internet (from brave people like Gabe Deem) and everything that other's who have gone before me have left behind to teach. Relapse is part of the process. It was highly unlikely that I would make it all the way to full recovery without stumbling along the way. So here I am.

I don't want this to sound like justification for my actions. It isn't. PMO is a destructive force in my brain that causes real damage to me directly and others around me indirectly. The fact that relapse is likely, doesn't make it acceptable. To be perfectly frank, I was terrified of the day when I relapsed. I was afraid that it would mean that recovery was impossible for me. I know now that it doesn't. Writing this journal entry is revitalizing my desire for recovery. I had glimpses of recovery over the past summer and it was amazing. I want that back. I need that back.

The closer I got to recovery, the further away I got from my journal. I lost focus. I started paying too much attention to relationships that either weren't real or weren't going anywhere. I put women on a pedestal. That lack of focus and direction has bled into other aspects of my life as well. So this post is me righting the ship. I'm not going to stray from this journal as I did in the past. I'm not going to fall into the same loop of bullshit that kept me blind and numb for so much of my life. THAT would be death. THAT would be the end of me, and I won't have it. I just can't. So thank you reboot nation for existing. Thank you for being here to receive my frustrations, my secrets, and my pain. Thank you for being a platform from which I can launch my healing. I need it.