Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: ddmmyyyy on April 02, 2018, 06:04:46 AM

Title: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 02, 2018, 06:04:46 AM
Hi all,

first off, thanks to everyone who contributes to this forum. I've been coming back to the site for the last 2 years and the profound information about porn addiction and it's effects as well as the journals have been a tremendous help!

I'm a 35 year old single man and I've been struggling with porn for over 20 years.
I was a happy fine looking kid with a great childhood for the first decade of my life. But when puberty hit and the hormones did their work, transforming my body from child to man, my appearance as well as my mood changed a lot - and not exactly to the better. Afflicted with heavy acne and my facial features being a mess for quite a while I was all but a confident teenager. Add to that my complete lack of style, my inability to interact with girls and my desire to still be friends with the cool guys and you can imagine how I had to deal with some nasty bullying during that time. Now I know, that this was the perfect mix to start my porn-career.

After two or three years of having a hard time, things changed back to normal. My face kind of grew together again and my social life improved. But I was still very insecure about myself. And already conditioned to use porn and masturbation to cope with feelings of sadness, anger and frustration. With my first computer at the age of fifteen and the arrival of the internet, things got worse of course. I was also a pathological collector. At times I had amassed about 2 terabytes of porn. Neatly indexed and stored - usually to be never watched again. I would search for new exciting stuff next time anyway. For the next 10-15 years I had absolutely no clue how bad this affected me. I remember being proud of myself one time, not being prone to any kind of addiction at all. I had no trouble to quit smoking, after being a casual smoker for some years. While moderately experimenting with different drugs, I never felt any danger of loosing control. In retrospect, I have no clue how I could not see at the time, that (considering porn) I was the worst addict of all!

So I spent most of my 20s struggling with the basic challenges of life. A lot of times, all of my energy went into maintaining the facade of being a content grownup while I was heavily depressed. I would not rate my 20s as completely lost though. I've always had a set of close friends and, despite my struggles, I was part of great work projects in the creative field, sometimes in leading positions. So I had good times as well. But they were usually followed by long periods of depression and moments of near panicking. Having my only real relationship - for about 3 years - also helped to keep me going. Especially during the first year it brightened my mood. But in the long run, it made holding up the facade even more difficult and, still not realizing that PMO is the main culprit, I tried to hide my problems from her just hoping she would not leave me and that I would miraculously get better and happier one day. By the time she broke up with me, I was a completely empty shell of a person. My character had eroded and I had no drive to achieve anything in life, no real interests and no goals. I would say, that this was my emotional low point, with my financial low point following about a year later. Still heavily depending on financial support of my parents (being well over 30 allready!!) my bank account was dried up and I had to borrow some money from a good friend.

At that time I deleted all my porn, and promised myself, to finally grow up and get my life under control. Of course I failed at first, not being equipped with the right tools for such a challenge. But eventually I stumbled upon "Your Brain on Porn" and other PMO addiction sites. I remember the first time I realized that I am an addict and that I would have to live a life completely without porn in order to avoid these downward spirals into PMO and depression. I was horrified. I just could not imagine it. But once the truth started to sink in, I felt like on a road with no turning back. It's a steep, bumpy and curvy road with a lot of reflective work and mental setbacks. In the 2 years that have passed now, I actually never made it beyond being PMO free for more than 20 days. But usually not PMOing for 4-8 days in a row, with regualar relapses in between already made a huge difference compared to the almost daily sessions of PMOing before. Often for 4 hours or more in a row. One of the most difficult things for me was, to not only abandon porn, but also my habit of frequent fantasizing about sex and porn related scenarios, which always paved the way for relapse.

Right now, I am feeling a lot more confident about myself in general. My ability to cope with stress and pressure has improved. And, despite being more of an introvert and a bit shy, I feel confident with women most of the time. Still, I am far from where I want to be. One of the problems my long time porn abuse has caused is my inability to really connect and fall in love with women. Apart from my one and only long term relationship, I only had one night stands and more or less meaningless affairs. I always thought porn doesn't interfere with my sexuality, because I never tried to introduce porn fantasies into my real sex life. But thinking about women, I have this complete separation in my mind about girls I want to have sex with and the type of girls I would want to have a relationship with.

Anyways, this post is already far too long and the sun has just came out after a long period of meteorological dullness. So it's definitely time to abandon the computer screen and get outside...

I am on day 15 of my current reboot attempt right now. Optimistic about making the next step. I will start my actual day-to-day journal this evening.

Good luck everyone!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 02, 2018, 01:23:38 PM
DAY 01 - DAY 14

The first 8 days have been quite easy. No real urges and no noticeable withdrawal symptoms. That's no surprise, since I was already used to go 4-8 days without PMO. Felt more uneasy from day 9 on, with some flashes of temptation to check my favorite porn sites. I'm still not sure how to deal with masturbation. My main goal is to avoid P and PMO at any cost. During previous attempts I often relapsed, because I was unable to maintain the complete elimination of sexual release. So when I succumbed to masturbation I felt like I fucked up already and usually lost my control over not watching Porn as well.

Had a problem with blue balls on day 11. Had a date with a nice girl before. We also kissed and I got quite aroused. When I walked home, I had a hard time walking straight, cause I felt such intense pain in my balls. So I masturbated - quick and without porn fantasy - for relief. Afterwards I read in some thread, that ice cold water might help. I'll try that next time... (If anyone has more experience or insight on how to handle or avoid such intense ball pain, please let me know!)

On day 14 I got as close to relapsing as I possibly can. I decided to uninstall the porn-blocker on my computer. I had installed it about half a year ago - with a random password I threw away afterwords. Problem was, it blocked way to many other (non porn related) sites as well, because it's settings were to strict. After I had to figure out how to get a new temporary password (matter of less than a minute) it was useless anyways and didn't keep me from relapsing anymore. So when I had it removed, my brain caught me off guard and tricked my to check the removal by loading one of my old favorite porn sites... very smart move, I know...
Had I gone any further, to watch a clip or something, I would have reset my counter by now. But since I just observed the images on the site for 10 seconds or something, I will let that go as an almost slip. I might be involuntary exposed to pornographic images anyway sooner or late. Guess you can't avoid that using the internet with all its pop-ups and pitfalls.

All in all I am satisfied with the first to weeks. Not easy, but not too hard as well. I was not really successful considering other aspects of my life - like reducing computer time in general (big problem!), getting up early, meditating daily and socializing more. But I also learned from my failed attempts, that I shouldn't be to hard on myself. Trying to improve all aspects of life at once will ultimately lead to failure. One step at a time!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 02, 2018, 01:37:20 PM
DAY 15

The previous two days were a bit hard. Felt low on energy and a bit depressed. Today was much better again. Actually I dreamed that I had relapsed, watching strange porn that I didn't even like getting myself off several times. I will spare you the details...
I was REALLY relieved when I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Got up early then, started the day with a 10 min meditation. Went for a 10K run in the afternoon and cooked myself some healthy food. And finally started my journal on Reboot Nation  :)

Failed on doing any social activity (other then running through a park filled with people). But I'll change that tomorrow...
Began to read a new book yesterday. Going to be my evening activity today as well.

So far so good. Lets go for another day!

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 03, 2018, 06:06:36 PM
DAY 16

Got up early. Did my meditation. Easy day at work. Not much to report...
Felt positive and in control though, all the time. Watched football with some friends in the evening and had a few beers.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 04, 2018, 04:58:07 PM
DAY 17

Busy day. Good day. Kept up my morning routine - getting up early, followed by 10 min meditation.
Actually had 2 setbacks during the day, with stuff that needs to be taken care of, but is mostly out of my control. Still this did not interfere with my positive mood.
When I walked around the city running errands I noticed three beautiful girls passing by and obviously checking me out. I think its just the little things things that come naturally. Walking upright, with more energy and a positive look on your face. As there is the downward spiral of porn and masturbation, there definitely is the upward spiral as well. No PMO, more confidence and energy, positive feedback for even more confidence and so on.

But I won't get ahead of myself. Been there before. Feeling too good and in control of everything and letting my guard down. The moments of temptation lurk behind the next corner. I'll stay focused. One day after the other.

Good night and good luck.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 05, 2018, 04:09:32 PM
DAY 18

Today was tough. Some stressful decisions to make and preparations for a new project. Energy was low from morning on and my mood and motivation got constantly worse. Had to fight strong urges to fantasize and watch porn during a long inefficient afternoon. Read a lot on RN and YBOP to refract myself.

Can't stress the importance of daily journaling too much. When I reflected yesterday about my great mood and energy I already prepared myself, to stay alert. Otherwise I might have slipped today. In the end the mood swings and my brain screaming for a dopamine fix are good signs. Something's about to change...
I will be quite busy and mostly around people for the next 3 days. This should help!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 09, 2018, 05:38:55 AM
DAY 19 - DAY 21

Wow. Those last three days were super intense. Work, work, work. Extremely exhausting, but for a great project and as far as I can tell by now, it paid off. No time at all for any cravings or temptations. But I failed to maintain my morning routine to meditate 10min because I didn't get too much sleep. Hopefully I'll pick it up tomorrow again.

Time to relax today. The accomplishment feels good, but I need to stay alert. Coming down after a project was usually a time for almost inevitable relapse. The next two days might get challenging considering cravings. But I feel determined to continue my streak.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 09, 2018, 04:24:32 PM
DAY 22

Had the afternoon off and went for a long walk in the park with a friend, enjoying spring. Then to the cinema with another close friend. Felt good to spend most of my free time NOT in front of the computer screen. Now I gotta get some more sleep... still have quite a deficit from last week.

This is actually new ground for me. Never made it beyond 3 weeks. Lets go for another day!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: JasonGuitar on April 10, 2018, 01:11:31 PM
Nice journal, keep the updates coming. It sounds like you are a pretty busy guy, which definitely helps. I'm a little over a month in and am just now experiencing some urges to go back to old ways and I am fighting them off. I hope it is temporary.

Like you, this is the farthest I've ever gone. I usually relapsed within 2 weeks before. I have sworn off porn for good this time.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 11, 2018, 05:39:39 PM
Thanks Jason! True, right now I am pretty busy. But this will change again sooner or later. My work is project based, so I will have times again with little work and lot's of free time on my hands. In the past I usually ended up in the PMO downward spiral. I hope this changes now through this reboot.

DAY 23 - DAY 24

Had some more hours to relax yesterday. Went out in the evening and had quite a few drinks. So I ended up going to bed at 4:30 in the morning. Spent today in bed until 2pm with a bad hangover. Had some urges after getting up (being exhausted, bored and a bit of depressed). But I recovered pretty quickly and spent the evening with a friend.
I know, that I have emotional hangovers from (too much) alcohol and I cut back on it a lot in the past 5 years. But I still like an occasional party night out once in a while. I'm happy I was able to recover so quickly form my hangover listlessness. With PMO it often took me two full days or more to find my motivation again. 
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 13, 2018, 05:42:49 PM
DAY 25 - Day 26

Had some more free time, with 2 half days of work. The urges got a bit stronger especially today. It's quite hard with spring arriving... and I just couldn't help looking after every second girl when outside. And that triggered porn fantasy scenarios which I had to fight of. But ok... I fed my mind with porn for 20 years. No surprise I can't get rid of it in three and a half weeks. I actually MOed in the afternoon, so this feels a bit like a setback. But as I said before, avoiding porn is my main goal. It was the second time I MOed now in 26 days. If I can keep it like that, to just use it as a tool when my body tells me I need to, I'm fine with it. Though I strictly need to stick to this strategy without lying to myself.

Staying focused. Day by day.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: JedClampett on April 14, 2018, 10:57:52 AM
Maybe this post might help someone:

Thank you for explaining all that.  You are right in saying PMO is not an option.
We do not have to be taught how to have sex!  I think that it is a natural thing to do.

I am on Day 8 now and what I appreciate most about it is my productivity rate has gone
way up.  The trick is to appreciate the productivity rate and keep increasing it.

Before about 2010 I put so much into my days it amazes me now to think about it.
I did do some IP before that but it took some time before that nasty thing took a lot
of time out of my life.

It's been very easy to give up PMO to this point.  Hopefully I will continue to realize what
I gain by avoiding it.

1.  Maximum sexual health
2.  Maximum physical health
3.  High productivity rate
4.  Clearer thinking
5.  Less guilt
6.  More hours to learn important things
7.  The increased ability to think and do things for others
8.  The ability to do the little things that make people happy
9.  Better computer health and knowledge that it was not P that caused the problem!
10.  Better moods
11. The opportunity to be a model for avoiding PMO.  This is what Reboot Nation is all about!!!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 20, 2018, 08:45:28 AM
DAY 27 - 32

Okay... haven't been here for some time. Will be trying to make more regular updates again! I have had a few really hard days, when I felt really depressed and couldn't find any motivation. At some point I felt like I would hit the ominous flatline. But than again, my dick was not completely dead and I had to fight constant urges to fantasize about women/sex. The good thing, I stayed far away from porn.
I head an intense moment 2 days ago while watching the news - something about abandoned syrian children of women who were raped by IS guys - that got me so emotional, I couldn't help but cry. I felt an intense sadness. But at the same time I felt kind of happy/relieved, to be able to feel emotions like this again...
Can't remember a single occasion when I was crying in the last 10 years while my high porn use, apart from the one time my girlfriend left.

Whatever my current mood is right now - happy, relaxed, sad, anxious, depressed - everything seems clearer to me. When I feel down or depressed, I realize it as it is and kind of accept it, while still trying and reflecting where it came from and how I might improve my emotional state. During constant porn use, everything was like a clouded monotone blur.

So, I finally made it past the 1 month mark for the 1st time ever! This is a great achievement. I failed to maintain my daily morning meditation allthough, especially on days when I don't feel well. For the next month this will be my main goal, apart from staying pornfree.

Onwards for another month! Day by day...
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 20, 2018, 04:17:55 PM
DAY 33

Was a good day. Took care of some minor tasks and some planning for the next days. Had some chill-time in the park in the afternoon with a good book. Mostly a relaxed day. No urges. Positive feelings. Picked up meditation again... finally. Hope I can sustain it longer this time. Gonna read two more chapters of my book and will go to bed early. Looking forward to a nice Saturday with some activities with good friends.

One step after the other.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Emmy on April 20, 2018, 05:32:42 PM
I am really struggling with this addiction please help me
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 21, 2018, 03:38:12 PM
Hi Emmy, glad you're reaching out! I saw, you already created your own journal. So I answered there!

DAY 34

Another positive day. Had a schedule for most activities today. Nothing stressful. Cleaning the apartment, running some errands, getting together with friends for different activities. Going to bed early again today, continuing reading my book. No urges for PMO. Low libido. But I'm fine with that at the moment - it's more liberating than frightening.

Looking forward to a great Sunday!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 23, 2018, 03:59:38 PM
DAY 35 - DAY 36

Sunday was great as anticipated. Monday was quite ok to. Not super productive, but I'm fine with my output. A bit bored in the evening, thinking I should have arranged something with a friend to not spend the evening alone. But I'll have plenty of social activity in the evenings for the rest of the week.
After reaching a milestone with a project, I had some unexpected urges to just type in the address of my former favorite porn site. These seem to be the most dangerous moments for me - when I'm feeling good / successful  / strong / invincible but have nothing on my schedule. When I achieved something and feel like I deserve a treat. When I am feeling down or depressed, I have my guards up usually. Maybe I should think of a new treat I can grant to myself when I feel like I deserve a reward...
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on April 26, 2018, 03:47:03 AM
DAY 37 - DAY 38

All good. Not super energized these days but in a "normal" emotional and physical mood. Taking care of different personal matters, so I don't get much work done at the moment. But everything goes more or less like planned. Once I'm done with this stuff, I need to dive into work and make some more money.

Day by day approaching half time of the 90 day challenge!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 02, 2018, 06:04:15 PM
DAY 39 - DAY 45

Wow, another week has passed by. Been out of town for a few days. Half of the week busy with organizational stuff, other half busy spending time with friends and some partying. Recovered pretty fast from my hangover (emotionally). Seems to be an improvement. On hangover days although, I still need to be especially alert.

Tired right now, but content and relaxed. Already made it half way to the 90 days mark. My general mood has improved a lot. Sure, I still have days when its really hard to get out of bed and be motivated and productive. But most of the time, I feel like I want to do something. Solve problems, do work, achieve things. That used to be very different in the past. I only got my ass up when time was running out already looking forward to being lazy and without tasks and challenges again.

Got a tight schedule for tomorrow. Let's see how much I can work off my list.
Good night and good luck!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 13, 2018, 04:05:30 PM
Didn't check in for a couple of days again. I had a pretty bad week emotionally and I'm not sure about the reason. Lost a bit of focus on my reboot being sluggish with journal updates which led to being less conscious about potential triggers and risky behavior. I can't say if I got depressed because I indulged more in sexual fantasy again - what I tried to avoid completely before - or if it was the other way around. Anyways, I have to acknowledge I had a relapse today.
Doesn't feel good, but I'm not totally devastated as well, even though I hoped to go all the way without relapsing. It may be a setback, but I'm sure not all progress is lost. Made it to DAY 55 for the first time. That's some huge steps forward. Now I have to make sure I'm not gonna make more than this one step backward.

DAY 00

Feeling a bit like a zombie right now. But I got my ass up already starting with some things I procrastinated for about a week now.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ubfey on May 14, 2018, 07:03:31 AM
Hey bud, whatever you do: DO NOT BINGE!
You've made awesome progress and don't want to loose any of that.
Stay positive. Get busy doing other things!!
We're all proud of you for making it this far!!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 14, 2018, 05:17:44 PM
Thanks ubfey! You're absolutely right. Binging would be the worst mistake now. The next few days might get difficult, but I'm determined to fight the urges.

DAY 01

Felt a bit better than yesterday already. Not as energetic and efficient as I'd like, but getting back on track. Also feeling traces of anxiousness when I think about work related tasks coming up. But for now I have it under control. Meditation helps!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 15, 2018, 04:34:25 PM
DAY 02

Feeling really tired, anxious and without drive for the first half of the day. Way better in the afternoon. Got some stuff off my todo list. Need to be more social the next days - didn't leave my flat the whole day. But I have appointments tomorrow anyway.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 17, 2018, 03:31:58 PM
Day 03 - Day 04

Didn't write yesterday, because I was loaded with work. Partly because I felt bad the week before and procrastinated. Theoretically I had 4.5 hours to sleep last night before I had to get up for work again. But I was so restless and stressed that I couldn't sleep at all. So right now I've been without sleep for more than 36 hours. But I'm fine. Gonna have a good night now. See you tomorrow...
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 18, 2018, 05:19:03 PM
Day 05

Nothing special happened today. Got some rest after the last two intense days. Spent the evening with some friends. Feeling better by now, still missing a bit of energy though.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Georgos on May 20, 2018, 06:27:27 AM
I don't know if you have read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle but it explains this phenomena beautifully. We are only ever in the present. There is a difference between the "now" which we experience and "clock time". "Clock time" can go backwards or forwards or even in a spiral or meander (meandros in Greek), but we ourselves are always in the "now". Thank you.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 02, 2018, 09:23:50 AM
So, I'm back after almost half a year of absence from the board. At least absence as in "active posting". I still came here on a more or less regular basis to catch up on the progress of yours. Thanks to everyone who is posting - it's always inspiring!

First I want to say, that I did not dismiss the idea of abstaining from porn and frequent masturbation and I never questioned its benefits. I think, that's important, because, whenever someone vanishes from the board, people might assume, that he has given up on fighting and/or lost his faith in the usefulness of the reboot. And I find that rather discouraging and sad. In the meantime, I never exceeded my longest streak of 55 days. But I also never went back to compulsive porn use. I had my relapses about every 2 weeks and some times of more frequent MOing. But all in all, it was 5 good months.

The 55 days of no porn and the reduced porn/MO period afterwords already led to huge benefits in my life. As I wrote in my first post, I always had a hard time to connect with women emotionally and falling in love. This was really getting to me after 4 years of not feeling much for any girl I've met or been with for some short time. The good news is, I finally fell in love again a few months ago. And I strongly believe, that giving up compulsive porn use played a huge role. Before, I was much more focused on having sex with a girl. And as soon as i fapped to porn, even this drive to interact with women faded away for some time. With porn and fapping I just couldn't keep enough interest to pursue a possible relationship long enough. Even now, after madly falling in love, I noticed my interest in her dropping for about a day after my very rare occasions of PMO in the last months. As long as I stayed "sober" I never questioned that I want to be with her.

Apart from that, I can already say that porn is no part of my personality anymore. For almost two decades not a single day passed without thinking about porn or at least pornrelated sex-scenarios. For example, when I went hiking with my friends, I enjoyed it a lot for a few hours. But then, the thoughts of porn came creeping back into my head and I was looking forward to be back home again to check out some new scenes on my favorite pornsites. I could NEVER enjoy any activity for more than maybe 3 hours without craving porn again. I just realized a few weeks ago, when I went hiking. That I did not think about porn anymore and found it extremely strange that I used to be that way.

So, in 2018 I came to a point where I feel that I have control over my life again, for the first time in ages. But I feel, there's still so much more room to improve. Despite not falling back into binging on porn for several days, PMO always feel like a step back and like wasted time and energy.

I am on day 4 right now and I am planning to make this my best streak ever, finally cracking the 90 days :)
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 05, 2018, 01:27:20 PM
DAY 00

That streak came to an end pretty fast :(
Didn't expect that, since I felt kind of in control, compared to the years before. With MOing once or twice a week and only casual PMO relapses (no binging) about twice a month it felt like I had left my compulsive days behind. Thought I'm ready for the next step and checking in to the board again would be enough to start a new reboot.

Coudn't have been further from the truth. I had huge cravings yesterday and after a few hours I gave in to MO. Determined to keep it at that, I tried to refocus. And shortly before going to bed I finally succumbed to PMO. Made me feel really shitty today as I fell back into the old habit of procrastination, feeling bad, getting stressed, feeling worse, acting out, feeling like shit... and so on. Having a demanding work day tomorrow, so my timing is perfect :(

Maybe, I felt so good the past months because I was just high on falling in love again. As far as I know your dopamine levels are considerably higher than usual when falling in love. Might have covered my ups and downs, so that the casual MO/PMOing didnt affect me so bad. I don't know. Right now it feels, like I'm back to square one. I'll have to manage to get over the next few workdays somehow... and then I need to sit down and put more effort into my reboot again. Recollecting how I made it to 55 days last time, what my key triggers are and working out a strategy to deal with them. Internalize it step by step. This half-hearted approach will get me nowhere.

And I need to remember how bad it feels right now.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 06, 2018, 02:27:49 PM
DAY 01

Made it through this day somehow. Not much time to think about PMO or MO. Hope I get some good sleep tonight. Another busy day will await me tomorrow. But if its successful again it will give me some confidence and energy. None the less I need to remember to work on my "reboot-strategy" on Thursday.

Good luck and good night everyone!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 07, 2018, 06:31:31 PM
DAY 02

Got over the second challenging workday of this project as well. All good. Had some beers afterwords. Gonna have home-office for the rest of the week. So I need to be careful to not fall back into procrastination, being lazy, fantasizing...

But I'm feeling way better than two days ago after the binge-relapse.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 08, 2018, 06:50:57 PM
DAY 03

Home office today was tough. Working on a project I don't really like and making slow progress. Got strong cravings today for a dopamine fix about once per hour. The daily journal updates help tremendous. I think without them, I would have given in today. But I really didn't want to report another relapse.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Andy9120 on November 09, 2018, 05:19:34 AM
Thanks for posting this mate, it's really good to read.

You and I are in very similar situations I think.  I had a 48 day streak back in May -July this year which came to and end in July.  I fell off the wagon spectacularly again and started binging.  Honestly, I fell back into old habbits spending 5-6 hours per day looking at porn.

Now I am back and on DAY FIVE of this current reboot. 

The support of this forum has been key whenever I have rebooted.  And I can only wish you all the best with the fight. I have days working from home alone during the day and this is my trigger.  Like you I am working on fighting this.

Please stay strong and lets work on beating this together.  We will be on day 50 again before you know it.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Hopin4Better on November 09, 2018, 08:53:58 AM
When I get an urge to PMO I will come here and read my journal or other peoples journals. It gives tremendous value to the progress you have made and encourages you not to throw it away.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 10, 2018, 06:29:41 AM
Thanks for your support Andy!
We definitely have a similar situation. Took some time since the last streak, but it feels like this is going to be a serious attempt again! And with the support of the board, I'm sure we can make it to 50 again - and beyond!
From what I read, there are A LOT of guys on here, who have to work from home partly or permanently. And I think its not surprising, that we struggle most under this circumstances. Working at home and being stressed / anxious about a project is still my main trigger. My financial situation has already improved throughout the past 2 years, due to my (half) reboot and my reduced porn-consumption in general. But as soon as I have more money I will definitely rent a work place in a shared office.

And thanks H4B!
You've got an impressive streak already! Keep up the daily check-ins, always good to have someone as determined as you on here!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 10, 2018, 06:34:25 AM
DAY 04

Has been a good one. Urges were minimal. Did some organizational work-stuff and mainly housework. My girlfriend stayed over and we had a really good time. Looking forward to another good day nr. 5.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Andy9120 on November 11, 2018, 04:23:29 AM
Thanks buddy, it's nice to have support and company on this journey together.  I echo the comments of H4B that when I get the cravings which are strong this morning I am going to come on here.  I think being honest with you - what scares me is how my previous reboot went wrong so quickly.  That a kind of casual "Oh well it's been a while, once wont hurt" thought process led to 3 months of binging.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 11, 2018, 06:36:23 AM
True, I've had a lot of slips as well when a craving hit me and I didn't even try to resist. But a serious reboot takes dedication, time and energy. So you can't make every attempt your next best one I think.

DAY 05

Was another good one. Not super productive but that's ok. Weekends are for relaxing after all. Had an evening out with friends and some partying. A bit hungover today, but not too bad. I know already, that I need to be cautious on hangover-days, but I feel fine for now. I don't have any cravings and I just want to extend my streak and stay clean, but I know, the urge can hit any time...

A nice sunday to everyone and stay strong!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 12, 2018, 03:31:07 AM
DAY 06

Despite my initial mood, yesterday was not that great. Hour by hour I got less motivated and positive. But I kept telling myself it will pass soon and kept going - mostly procrastinating, but porn or PMO was never an option. Monday morning and finally having to work again on the project I don't like doesn't make things better. But I'll try hard to make some progress and avoid procrastination for the next 5-6 hours to get back to a positive outlook.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 12, 2018, 05:34:59 PM
DAY 07

was OK. I procrastinated some more, but also made progress in the afternoon. Motivation is not too high, but it could be worse. Cravings - mainly for MO, hardly for porn - come and go, but they are manageable for now. I was quite tired today, what makes things harder usually. Hoping for a good sleep tonight and more energy tomorrow. But all in all I'm fine and positive about the next days!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 13, 2018, 04:57:23 PM
DAY 08

Any other day without PMO is a good day, so I'm happy to get to day 9 tomorrow without falling :)
Although today was quite shitty. Just a lot of small annoying things happened. And something bigger that I have to deal with that will be very unpleasant. But that's life. I will deal with these things just like anybody has to and get over it without dulling my frustration with porn.
Good night and good luck.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 14, 2018, 04:55:38 PM
DAY 09

Nothing special happened today. No strong urges. Very tired and going to bed early. All good.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 16, 2018, 03:42:06 AM
DAY 10

Double digits already :)
Still have some not so funny things going on, but I'm fine and I will deal with it. And my girlfriend is amazing. That helps a lot. Although I didn't tell her about my (hopefully former) PMO habit, because I feel like I have my worst days of addiction already behind me. I'm primarily doing it for me, but not wanting to fuck this relationship up is a huge additional motivation.
Cravings are not strong at the moment, but I will stay vigilant. They'll return for sure!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 16, 2018, 06:12:01 PM
DAY 11

Had dreams about relapsing for the last two nights, like many others report. Already had that kind of dreams on my first committed reboot attempt in spring. I thought I'm past this, but it just shows once again, that my brain just adapted to less porn use during the last months while I'm still addicted. Now that its getting serious again, it fights back...
And some strong cravings emerged today afternoon. The ones that really make you think "fuck all this" and make you loose control for a few seconds. Managed to fight them off though, without peeking or doing anything stupid.

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 19, 2018, 11:40:04 AM
DAY 12 - DAY 13

Didn't get the chance to check in on Saturday and then on Sunday evening I was again loaded with work, also because of procrastination, so I had to stay up almost the whole night to meet a deadline. Super tired today of course.
I need to keep daily updates though. Even if I just drop a single line for check in...

I guess after 10 days the withdrawal symptoms kick in a little more. I notice, that I compensate with compulsively checking my phone, social media, e-mail, sometimes the RN board... Anything that provides a small dopamine fix. It's all way better than porn, but still - time to get back to meditation and focusing on being more offline and putting my phone away at times.
Yesterday I also stumbled across some nude images and soft core gifs. I know I can't avoid that completely. There will always be a pop up or a banner with nudity or even porn. Usually that's no big deal for me. I don't get triggered by these things and I can just close it without craving PMO. Yesterday although, I could have avoided to get to this "dangerous" site (no porn site, but I knew there might be adult content as well) and looked at the pics a few seconds longer than necessary. Without fantasizing, but I had some really strong cravings during the afternoon. This was the first time I really got tempted and felt like I was on the edge of compromising my reboot.
Apart from that, I was super strict and successful in my current reboot. No PMO, no porn peeking, no porn substitutes like browsing dating sites, no MO (only O to real sex) and no indulging in fantasy.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 19, 2018, 06:53:54 PM
DAY 14

Tired from the work-night after day 13 as I wrote previously. But I'm fine and more positive again. Feeling a more motivation to do things, solve problems and so on.Two weeks is good. Looking forward to get to the one month mark. In the end, days don't matter cause I want to stay away from porn forever. But right now the day-counter helps to get somewhere. Planning to meditate tomorrow morning and hopefully it will be a day with high productivity and little procrastination.

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 20, 2018, 06:27:20 PM
DAY 15

Already felt more positive yesterday, and the rising tendency continued today. There's a lot of room for more energy and productivity. But I have a good feeling for the upcoming days.
Managed to do my meditation today. Definitely want to continue tomorrow morning.

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Andyshealthyself on November 20, 2018, 10:51:13 PM
Hey man,

Thanks for sharing and posting. I fell off this board a month ago and now i'm back and ready to to do this. You are an inspiration and I wish you the best of luck. Cheers!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 21, 2018, 08:44:05 PM
Thanks Andy, I followed your first journal - good to see you back! Dropping out and coming back is just part of the process :)
It's great you are back already. Took me a lot longer after my 55 days of sobriety half a year ago... Let's go all the way this time, to 90 days and beyond! Looking forward to follow your journal again.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 21, 2018, 08:53:00 PM
DAY 16

Another late night filled with work. Not happy about getting no sleep until 3am. Enough sleep and getting up early makes the reboot way easier. I'm really glad when I finished this project. Hopefully soon...
Apart from that, all good. Looking forward to see my gf again on Friday.
16 days into the reboot and still going strong. No doubts about it. Progressing, one day at a time...
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 22, 2018, 06:03:13 PM
DAY 17

Been working all day on my computer. Alone. But no real intense cravings. Guess that's a good sign. But no need to get over-confident. There's still a long way ahead...
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 25, 2018, 07:58:37 AM
DAY 18 - DAY 19

Had a good weekend so far. Not much time alone until now, so no time for urges and stuff.Tired today, but all good.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Hopin4Better on November 26, 2018, 01:07:27 PM
Great Job buddy. Keep it going almost to 3 weeks.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 27, 2018, 05:26:12 AM
Thanks man! It's actually a bit tougher right now, than I would have hoped. But no way I'm giving in to PMO / Porn / binging.

DAY 20 - DAY 21

Somehow I lost my positive outlook over the past week. Not really sure why. Maybe it's just the stage of my reboot (over two weeks), because I am used to go at least 10 days without any problems. Now that my primitive brain realized I am serious this time, it makes me feel bad...
Maybe it's just a bit of an autumn down and the lack of sun. Or the lack of physical activity. Didn't do any sports for the past two weeks. But that will change this evening. And I'll get back to meditation right after I finished this post. I am disappointed with myself, that I seem to be unable to make meditation a daily habit.

I also have to acknowledge that I MOed yesterday, which is completely against my plan. I'm not in hardmode anyway, since I have more or less regular sex with my gf. But I stayed away form MOing for the first 20 days and it's the only way for me. Even though, it was a quick thing, without fantasizing about porn or anything but my gf and without edging and prolonging the act, I felt rally bad and depressed afterwards. I won't reset my counter for MOing once, but I need to make sure it was a one time slip to keep my positive feeling about this streak.

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 27, 2018, 06:21:32 PM
DAY 22

Was ok. Still struggling a bit with motivation and mood in general. But I think I am getting more positive again, day by day. Meditated today and did some sport. Definitely going to meditate again tomorrow.

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 28, 2018, 06:21:17 PM
DAY 23

I was in a REALLY bad mood all day. Struggled to get my work done and luckily I did not have to communicate with a lot of people during the day. Would have had a hard time to hide my anger. Doesn't happen often that I am so grumpy and negative about anything and everything. Went out for a drink with a friend in the evening as I had it already scheduled. Surprisingly my mood improved and I feel ok now.
I hope this was just a single bad day or - even better - it's temporary side effects of the reboot. As this would mean, things are about to change and should improve in the long run. Anyway, no real urges today, but it's still a struggle!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 29, 2018, 06:18:37 PM
DAY 24

Felt better again today. Not great, but ok. Was away working pretty much the whole day. It's way better than home office. I need to keep this a priority - making enough money, so I can rent a co-working space permanently. Working part time from home not only makes staying away form porn harder, it also makes being happy harder... when you don't get out enough. And being unhappy makes not PMOing even more difficult. And there you are, right in the downward spiral...

But I'm going strong and looking forward to getting closer to the 4 week mark!
Good night and stay focused!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Andyshealthyself on November 29, 2018, 06:45:28 PM
I know the feeling of working from home. I worked from home a few days ago because of a snowstorm and that’s when I relapsed... I struggled real hard after that and it spiraled. I’m back on track now but it’s so hard to avoid it when you are home alone. Just gotta focus on what projects you can take on. A lot of times I’ll pick up my guitar or play some games of chess to avoid PMO. Keep at it man, doing great!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 30, 2018, 06:51:17 PM
Thanks for your support Andy! And good to know you are back on track as well!Home office is always dangerous. I usually have different projects I can focus on. But sometimes you are just to lazy and/or need some rest.

DAY 25

Worked at home again today. Got some strong urges and tempting thoughts. They didn't last too long, but came back regularly. If I wouldn't be at 25 days already I would have given in for sure. I am in the phase now, where I tend to forget that I can't control porn and I feel like I deserve a little treat from time to time. Everybody does it and it won't be so bad... But, well... luckily I know that feeling already.

Staying strong and fighting it day by day.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on December 04, 2018, 06:08:19 PM
DAY 26 - DAY 29

Mood and motivation have been mediocre the last days. Still struggling. Today I got really close to relapsing, as my mind was trying to convince me to go back to porn again and again throughout the day. Usually, when I thought about porn - in a non explicit manner - during the last months I concluded, that I don't need it, don't like it and don't want it. That I gain nothing from it. (Didn't stop me from PMOing once in a while anyways, when I just gave in without thinking about it.) But now it's getting tougher and my brain starts telling me again, that I want it, that I would like it and that I deserve it.

Still, I am porn free for 4 weeks now and I will fight to extend that streak. I was lazy during the last week with my plan, to go to bed early and meditate in the morning. I know I need to change that and stick to it or I will fail sooner or later.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 09, 2019, 05:51:21 PM
DAY 00

Time to get back to posting. Made it to day 47 on my last documented attempt. For the past 4 months I continued to have casual relapses after 5-14 days average. Things went well mostly and I guess I could go on like that living an average life without feeling like a porn-addict. But I always knew that I am still far from using my full potential - in life, work and my relationship - this way. I was still using porn to calm myself down and tranquilise my mind when I was stressed, depressed or anxious. Even though it was never out of control. I always postponed getting back to journaling... don't really know why. I just kept reading on here.

Lately things have gone a bit downhill. I have a serious (not life threatening and hopefully fully or at least mostly reversible) physical problem for almost 2 months now. Trying everything I can to improve the situation. But right now I am very limited in my social activities and I can only work part time. This means financial and emotional pressure. My relationship is still going well, but I am having issues with jealousy at the moment - which I am not used to. My self-esteem is suffering big time from not being able to work and having minimal social activities at the moment. This feeds into jealousy and makes me want to check my gf phone for anything suspicious. (I know she is going out with work associates regularly. She is very open about it and doesn't hide anything.)  I have not acted on this impulse and I hope I never will, because I do trust her and I would feel like shit afterwards. All this made me relapse more often during the last week and sent me further down the rabbit hole  :(

I am feeling quite depressed right now and I am a bit scared to fuck everything up. So it's really time to turn the wheel around. I will try to reintroduce meditation into my life from tomorrow on, hoping that it will also help with my jealousy issues.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: EmB123 on May 10, 2019, 12:59:16 AM
Think it’s a good sign you’re back to the journal. Keep the focus.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 10, 2019, 04:31:37 PM
DAY 01

Thanks for your message EmB. It's definately a step in the right direction! Today was a better day. I started my meditation and was more active in general. Had another moment of jealousy in the afternoon, when my gf didn't reply for a while and I started to imagine stupid things again. But I accepted it and it passed. And I realized how stupid and unnecessary it is afterwords. There is absolutely no reason for it. It's just my momentary lack of self esteem and selfworth thats worrying me that she finds other men more attractive then myself...
Went out to have a few drinks with friends in the evening and it felt really good to socialize again. I really think I just need to get my life back - socializing with friends and finding purpose in work again and this problem will fade away again.
And of course no PMO today.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 12, 2019, 03:49:27 AM
DAY 02

Another step in the right direction. Some mild cravings in the afternoon, but nothing I couldn't handle. (Considering how easily I relapsed multiple times without a second thought for the past two weeks, I might have relapsed again, but restarting journaling and meditation got me back an track.)

Meditation - check
No PMO - check

Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 13, 2019, 02:01:14 AM
DAY 03

Not too much to report. Mood was not as good during the day as the 2 days before, but all ok. Had a nice evening with my gf. We had some intense sex later in the evening, so today I need to be super alert because of my chaser-effect sensibility. Did my meditation. Gonna try to make day four a productive one. (I usually struggle a bit on mondays.)
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Pete McVries on May 15, 2019, 12:27:25 AM
Hey ddmmyyyy,

I read your first few entries and then skimmed through your journal! Good on you for coming back and posting again.

I just have a few quick tips from my own personal experience, if I may:

1. Don't vanish after a relapse. Relapsing sucks and reporting a relapse is a pain in the ass as well. But no one of us is perfect and if you don't hold yourself accountable to yourself and others, you give your addiction way too much power. Also, no one will ostracize you for it (at least no one in the right mind...)

2. From my own personal experience, I would recommond hard mode to you (no PMO, no MO). I found that when I MO, I always crave for more. I masturbated enough times in my life and also I don't see the point in MOing anymore. At least not on a (semi-)regular basis.

3. Making it through the first 40-60 days is key. It will get easier after that. Abstaining from PMO will become the new norm, like a habit, and the DeltaFosB will have vanished which will reduce the cravings by a huge margin. Embrace the grind in the beginning!

4. Relapsing every other week might even make your addiction stronger. I can't find the article right now (but it is somewhere on YBOP) but if you relapse every weekend (for example), the pathways of your addiction might become stronger than if you were to relapse every two days or so. I know, it sounds paradoxical but apparently, there is some truth to it.

5. No negative self talk. Relapses may happen and if you keep relapsing, you might not have found the right formula for you yet. If you start bashing yourself, you will put more and more pressure on your shoulders and every eventual relapse will become more dramatic until you throw in the sponge or so... Keep trying until you succeed!

6. Take yourself up on your promise. No negative self talk but also no slacking. You are here for a reason. PMO has affected you negatively in one way or the other and it will continue to hurt you, if you keep it in your life. Be aware of the fact that it has the power to destroy relationships, mess up your sexuality, negativel affect your career or do other harm.

7. Be kind to yourself and take care of your basic human needs. Relapses are more likely to happen when you are hungry, thirsty, cold, lonely, ill, hungover and so on and so forth. Therefore, I also recommend you to stop drinking alcohol if you drink. Personally, I'm always super horny when I'm hungover. Therefore, I stopped drinking for now.

8. Analyze your triggers or your relapse patterns. The better you know your enemy, the better you can fight. Relapses don't usually happen in a heartbeat. There are preceding sexual fantasies or certain activities that lead the way of a relapse. The sooner you say 'no' and manage to snap out of the relapse the easier it will be. Once you got the clips loaded and your pants at your ankles, it's already too late.

That's all I can think of for now! I hope, I could be of some help...

Take care and I'm curious to follow your journey!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 16, 2019, 11:19:00 AM
Thank you Pete for all the valuable input! I'll get through it point by point.

1. Actually I never really vanished because of a relapse I think. Usually I started to give less updates after some time, lost focus, felt not addicted anymore and so on. By the time I relapsed I had already stopped being active. So for me, it's more like staying active in my journal after the first month and maybe posting more personal stuff. Otherwise posting gets very repetitive after a while. I felt like I didn't want to expose myself by giving away too much information, so that I will stay anonymous in case someone who knows me reads this. Maybe that's bullshit after all.

2. Absolutely. I guess it's not "real" hardmode as I will not abstain from sex with my gf. But PMO, MO and fantasizing are definately off the table. Not masturbating from time to time seemed crazy and unnatural for me about a year ago. But like you, I discovered that there is no point in it really.

3. Hopefully I'll get to 60+ days this time. Made it above the 40 day mark twice and still relapsed...

4. That's an intersting point. If anyone knows where to find this article, let me know! And I guess you are right. On the one hand it makes me feel less addicted than before and my life improved a lot since I made it from PMOing about 6 out of 7 days to 1 out of 7 days in average. But even more than before I am now using it as medication when I feel down or depressed. I never really have the feeling anymore that I want to watch porn because I like. I only crave the dopamine and the (short time) emotional relieve I get from it.

5. & 6. True. I think I managed not being too negative after a relapse already some time ago. But even though I am not bashing myself I usually have a hard time to get back on the rebooting track seriously. (I don't binge also. I just keep relapsing weekly for months...)

7. Good point as well. I still drink alcohol, but in a moderate way. If I am not getting wasted with a hangover I am fine. Drinking all night and being miserable with a hangover was a sure recipe for a relapse though. Compared to my previous two serious streaks it's harder this time because of my medical condition right now. (A lower back injury that prevents me from being active and working and basically almost everything I enjoy in life. I am as active as I can, which includes walking and physio-therapy. But I miss working out and doing real sports activities.)

8. Done that already months ago, but it's definately time to contemplate about my triggers again. And write it down, to make sure I will stay ahead of them...

So, thanks again! A lot of things I already thought about past. But it's important to re-internalize those things.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 16, 2019, 11:33:35 AM
DAY 04 - DAY 07

It's ups and downs. Mostly downs right now unfortunately. Usually I always started with a lot of positivity and energy into a new streak when I was journaling here. Thats different this time. With my lower back injury I can't really stay active. And the financial pressure is getting more intense by the day the more work I have to cancel. A lot of worries with not much positivity at the moment. Haven't felt this depressed and hopeless in a long time. But all I can do for now is hang in there, trying not to relapse and continue to work on my physical recovery. Did my meditation and increased the time from 10 to 20 min per day.
I hate to be so negative and usually try to see the positive things and the potential to grow in every crisis. Right now I don't have the energy. But I think it's important to stay active here. Maybe the better days are just around the corner.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 20, 2019, 10:55:36 AM
DAY 08 - DAY 11

I am still hanging in there and I am definately feeling better than the last time I posted. Still struggling with motivation and with my lower back issues of course - still will not change any time soon - but at least I got my hope for better days back :)I failed to do my meditaion now for two days. Once I simply forgot, and today I ran out of time. Well, I would have plenty of time during the day, as I was mainly procrastinating. Also, today was not perfect in terms of the reboot, as my mind wandered to fantasy again and again. But it was at least only about my gf and I always stopped myself before it went too far. So no touching myself or MOing.

For tomorrow my top priority is getting back to meditation (no excuses), followed by being more productive again and avoiding any kind of fantasy. Overall I feel like I am on the right way.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Pete McVries on May 20, 2019, 07:25:05 PM
Regarding the fantasies, I think they are perfectly fine and normal. But the key is not to indulge in them and daydream about sex and related stuff for a long period of time. You are not your thoughts, they come and go like clouds in the sky. And once in a while a cloud looks like a penis or like a pair of boobs ;)

Take care!
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 22, 2019, 03:32:59 PM
Haha, you are right, some boob clouds from time to time are fine and only normal. I just have a bad history of fantasizing as a starting point for relapsing. And when I think back, it is crazy how much I used to fantasize about sex in addition to wasting countless hours on watching porn in the past. I know I can't control my thoughts completely, but for the first few months I guess it's wise stop as soon as possible and not indulge in anything, even if it's just about my gf.

DAY 12 - DAY 13

Did my meditation and today I was more productive than the days before. Not too many urges. My back is still troubling me, but I try to make the best of it doing what I can do not worrying too much about the future.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 23, 2019, 08:17:27 AM
I also struggle with fantasizing and going down afterwards, so I hope I can keep my eyes away from those kinda clouds.

Good job on day 13. Happy to hear you are being more productive and how meditation helps you out. I should try that; any suggestions?
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on May 28, 2019, 02:54:39 AM
DAY 14 - DAY 18

Most of the time was easy going, considering cravings. My focus is on my back recovery and the noPMO days seem to stack up rather effortlessly for now. Except for yesterday. Monday was another troublesome test with way too much fantasizing and procrastination again. So, there seems to be a pattern with two hard mondays in a row...
But I stayed away from PMO, M and O. The fantsizing gave me a little dopamine rush as well. That's not good, but I am happy I made it through the day. I will be super alert on the upcoming mondays. My action plan will be to be sure to meditate first thing in the morning and to go for a walk as soon as cravings hit. And to come here and post about it to stay accountable.
I am optimistic to be more productive today again. Generally things are improving. Slowly but steadily.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: Pete McVries on May 28, 2019, 07:04:04 AM
You are doing great!

Making it out the hell hole of cravings/urges can be really tough in the beginning. I guess this is the main reason why the success ratio of rebooters is so low. Of course I don't have any numbers but just look at the success story section, you can hear the crickets chirp over there ;). Good thing though is that it will get so much easier at a certain point. Abstaining in the beginning can be a grind, so better embrace it  ;)
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 28, 2019, 08:09:56 AM
Good job on having a action plan, and for identifying that need on Mondays. I definitely need to improve in that area.
Title: Re: rise and shine
Post by: ddmmyyyy on June 05, 2019, 02:07:11 AM
Thanks OS and Pete. Really looking forward to get to the point when the brain rewires and the "chemicals change" - way beyond the 40 or 60 day mark! But I am getting there. Day by day.

DAY 19 - 26

Sorry for the lack of updates. Have been away for 5 days and I don't like to type too much on my phone. Went to a music festival over the extended weekend with some friends and had (mostly) a great time. Would not have gone there with my lower back issue and my current financial situation, but everything was pre-booked months ago without the possibility of a cancellation/refund. Towards the end I had some issues with my back, but otherwise everything was great and real fun. There were a lot of beautiful girls around with not much clothes on. So there was some ogling involved, but nothing that went beyond a natural and normal level. No real sexual or porn-fantasies. Just once there was this girl that that looked exactly like one (very cute) pornstar and I got a bit obsessed to find out if its really her or not. Reminded me, that my addiction is still lingering below the surface. But again - no fantasizing about her later on. And the good thing is, it reeally took a long time until I remembered the name of that pornstar.

Right before I went to the festival I had a very strange evening. Met with my girlfriend and got angry with her about something. I still think it was reasonable to be upset and she also understood. But at the time, there was also a bit of a misunderstanding about something and I think I overreacted a bit in being pissed and unkind. I am usually a very calm person and it was the first time ever we had any kind of disagreement since we got together. Anyway, it was resolved rather quickly the same evening and afterwords I really got emotional and started crying in her arms. (Not just because of that issue, but my whole situation right now. Maybe also because of my reboot and the involved higher emotionality?) I had not cried in a very long time before. Also crying and being comforted by a girlfriend is something completely new to me. At first I felt a bit ashamed about it. Deep down I think I have this conception of always pretending to be strong and not too emotional, being able to deal with everything by myself. I know it's stupid. So in a way, this felt very liberating. Letting my "guard" down and giving up control, being comforted by her and not judged in any way.

Today morning I feared I have to reset my counter. I thought I accidentaly stumbled upon a very explicit nude image on my phone right after waking up and kept looking at it and orgasmed pretty fast because I didn't have sex in over a week (and no O) and am easily aroused at the moment. Later I realized I just dreamed to wake up but it was really still a dream :D So no counter reset fortunately. But another reminder, that my lizzard brain is not giving up jet and that I need to stay alert ;)