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Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: Jimbodel on July 22, 2017, 06:17:59 PM

Title: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 22, 2017, 06:17:59 PM
Hello all;  Well as with you guys I am trying to stop watching porn.  I have have PIED for several years now, normally I can get it up but would go limp half way through; luckily this has not happened lately but I do notice I will become erect when my wife and I start to fool around but after a bit I will start to go soft.  Normally I can get it back again but there have been occasions when I just give up. 

I noticed that porn was incredibly boring to me, things I use to get turned on by no longer worked, I couldn't even masturbate to porn anymore; and then one day I found stories and that got me going again.  That escalated incredibly quickly to my writing my own stories for myself, the act of writing would get me excited as I carried out my fantasies on paper.

On the 19th of this month I began to record my daily fails or success, if fail what caused it.  The thing I found was that each day (19-22) I have failed and the thing that all those days had in common was that I was bored as my wife was at work or not in the room with me.  Just those few days of tracking made me realize the trigger event which is kind of making me happy; now I know that if my wife just goes into the other room (we have two computers) that I should move my laptop from the table, where she can't see me, to the counter where she can see everything I do.  The second is when she is at work, that will be much harder to control.  I play guitar so that is a possible out although yesterday when I failed I thought of playing guitar, did vocal practice instead, and then sat down on the laptop and worked on my sex story...FAIL.  But the good side is that I never touched a porn site, I find them stupid and boring now, but the stories call to me and there is no way to block them (blocking software was a complete bust for me).

I searched online again out of guilt after I deleted the recent story I had been working on (11 pages); I found the site Art Of Manliness and in his articles he writes to stop thinking of porn as a powerful monster, and more as junk food for the brain.  SHAZAAM!  I am a healthy male who exercises all the time, the worst thing in my house is popping corn as I hate junk food and have no craving for it after I looked at the huge guts my friends have and said "NOT ME."  (No offense to anyone!)

Anyway AOM said to come here and write a journal; as stated I had been doing that on my own since the 19th but if I make it more public maybe it will help. This is my second attempt at quitting, the first time I went about 6 weeks and then failed; but just before I failed I noticed that after sex I was still 75% erect, that was awesome and means there is real hope for me to recover fully from PIED.

So anyway, that is about it for today; I truly hope I succeed.  I can't talk to my wife about this, that would be too hard and disappoint her too much, I don't want to hurt her.  Thus I am hoping that by writing here everyday, even if just a short line or two, I will find fellow struggling people to help me, or perhaps just make myself stand back and look at myself.  Oh yes, I am also trying binaural beats to see if that can help short circuit my noodle, it can't hurt.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem; THIS TIME I WILL WIN!
Post by: Jimbodel on July 23, 2017, 01:13:05 PM
 :D Man do I feel good!  Yesterday my wife came home from work and normally I would just say hello and that would be it; this time I gave her a kiss and joked around with her.  Watching tv last night and today and normally if I saw a sexy woman I would freeze the screen and oogle her, even with my wife sitting beside me but now I just keep on going.  The cheerleaders didn't even make me stop, although I did quickly stop to look at the ugly uniforms, stripes on the chest and what looks like granny underwear for the bottoms, horrible, but I quickly went on and it was not sex related.   Also my wife was in her computer room which would normally be a trigger to start writing a story but instead I grabbed my guitar and messed around with some songs instead.

How am I doing it so quickly?  As soon as a porn thought enters my head I say to myself "porn sucks, it is garbage, it is junk food and crap!"  For me it is working and I love it.  I am currently listening to a subliminal porn stop audio as I type this too.

I feel so happy and uplifted inside, it is crazy and amazing and I am confident it will last because this time I am going to make it.  The other times were a "try," but this time is a "do".
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem; THIS TIME I WILL WIN!
Post by: Jimbodel on July 24, 2017, 09:23:04 PM
24 Jul 17  :D

Still going strong and feeling good.  Went for my run today, normally when I run I distract myself from the miles by thinking up stories in my head but today I fought every urge; as soon as anything to do with porn popped into my head I said to myself "porn sucks, it's crap, it is junk food for the brain and total garbage!"  So far so good but it is still early.

The nice thing is I am having sexual urges and it isn't for porn, it is for sex with my wife.  :P
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 26, 2017, 01:10:41 PM
25 Jul, day 6.  Yesterday was harder, started having more urges; it didn't help when a girl at the store was walking around with almost nothing on either!  Nothing worse than a 17 - 18yo showing what she has (and then getting mad when you look).  Found myself repeating my phrase over and over to combat my noodle.  Today and tomorrow will be a true test as my wife works these days and I will have the run of the house to myself.  I can still see that girl in my head, that is not good.  :-\

Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 26, 2017, 06:48:19 PM
Small slip up so far today, watching tv and hot babe not wearing bra with pokies; freeze the screen and grab down below but after 20 seconds I stopped, WHAT AM I DOING!  Now I am not going to stop looking at girls, after all that is just plain human nature and to try and force one self to not be human is stupid, however, I must force myself to stop doing the things I normally do when I see a babe, and that is the hard part.

Bloody hell this is hard, how did I do 6 weeks before?

**Well I survived today by keeping myself busy with my guitar and learning a new song, Rolling Stones: No Expectations.  Still I am not sure what posting on this board is doing for me more than just writing in my Word journal, except that I don't have to password protect here.**
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 27, 2017, 02:58:17 PM
27 Jul day 8.  Well I have realized something, porn was making me very angry, I mean I was ready to go to war with everyone for anything!  I am still suffering from it but to a lesser degree; but I did flip off the garbage man the other day but then again he was collecting garbage on a 2 lane highway and instead of moving his truck off the road he just blocked the lane, with no passing allowed and lots of traffic the other way.  Shake your head.  And not only have I been suffering from disappearing erections but from inability to ejaculate too! 

The other night my wife and I were having sex and just as I was about to finish it all went away, like someone poured cold water on me!  I didn't realize that porn can cause this, bloody hell.  Luckily I quickly got my wife into a new position and was able to finish but I still caught myself thinking of porn or girls I have seen while doing it.  That isn't good and totally ignorant to my wife.

At least today I feel the urge for sex but porn isn't calling my name, and that is HUGE!  Well actually it is calling, but I am ignoring it as porn is stupid, it is crap, it is junk food for the brain and it is garbage.

BTW - more about me: I am 52 and have been watching porn since before the internet was around, going onto bulletin boards looking for nude pictures.  I have been married for 30 years to the same woman.  When I watch porn I notice I pick her body apart, but this last week instead of picking her body apart I was staring at her ass as she bent over to put on her shoes and sneaking peeks down her top.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: TakeActionNow on July 27, 2017, 05:07:25 PM
Jim,
I really like how you have named porn as what it is: junk/crap/garbage.

anger is an interesting revelation for me too.
in the past i would redirect the arising anger within me back at the source with full blame and resentment
today i would work to transform that anger into energizing energy and apply it to make meaningful and positive change and improvement in my and other's lives.
please try that.

another thing is have a deep think on why porn makes us angry.
it will serve as an additional pillar of reason why we want to rid porn from our lives.

what we have after so many years of porn use are some deep rooted habits.
it will take a while to clear them and start seeing and embracing reality as it is.

thank you for sharing your experience
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 27, 2017, 05:25:08 PM
Hi T.A.N;  Anger arises from low self esteem I am sure, I had a very bad childhood, being raised without parents (both alcoholics) and the police were more parent figure than they were but not in a good way.  This last week I have found myself calming down greatly, but as I said I still flipped off buddy yesterday which thinking with a level head I should not have, he was doing his job, but they have to come up with a better system than blocking highway traffic.  Watching porn always makes me feel incredibly guilty afterward, so it probably lowers my self worth and makes me feel even more like a loser; so to prop myself up I degrade everyone else.

SUCKS. 

My wife has a friend who is psychic, she does not know me, but she said that my mother came through to her and told her I have to let go of my anger and that she is sorry.  I do believe in paranormal myself and I asked my wife and she said she never mentioned anything about me to her friend.  The psychic said her heart breaks for me, my wife cried when she heard a bit of my story, and my friend's girlfriend who is a psychology professor at a big university said she was going to cry when I got to talking about it over beer.

But then...boohoo me, everyone has a story.  :P

Thanks for taking the time to read, I appreciate it.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: TakeActionNow on July 27, 2017, 06:00:39 PM
Jim,
thanks for sharing and reaching out. I really appreciate it.
Our past we have no control over, but how we live from this point onwards we have full choice and control. Take that, own it, and see your personal vision through.

You have the maturity and clarity to recognize your actions and its consequences.
This means you can take that important step of deciding what you want to do instead.
This is big. Own it.

Letting go is so important
look at our hands. if we are holding to something big, can we hold something else? No
that is the meaning of letting go.
only in letting go can we let something else in.
if what we are holding on is pain, anger and resentment, can love come in ?
No
there is no space.
So we must must must learn and let go
let go and look forward to receive new and better gifts of life

Let go, look forward only and own your actions.
Keep visualizing a wonderful and happy life, and in no time you will be there.

Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 28, 2017, 03:42:48 PM
28 July - day 9

Well I easily survived the two days my wife was at work which is great.  Normally as soon as she walked out the door I would hit the internet and watch crap for 7 hours straight; I would have to force myself to grab something to eat, which I would eat in front of the screen, and a shower would wait until almost 4pm.  But the last two days I have beaten the urge with my saying that is working for me.

And today I noticed I was checking out my wife again as we got ready to exercise; the way I look at her when I watch porn, and when I don't is night and day.  When I watch it is "why do you look like that, you suck, I should get a divorce and chase something young," but when not on porn I realize how hot she is and what a lucky guy I am.

That garbage really is a bad drug that warps our brains.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 30, 2017, 05:30:21 PM
30 Jul - Day 11

Wow tough night last night and today, porn popping into my head all over the place!  Having sex with the wife and had to force myself to get the stupid sex scenes out of my head and just enjoy the moment; and today is even worse!  My brain is telling me to just "go for it" but my will power is putting up a spirited resistance.  I will win, I am sure of it, but it is a slugging match today.  Did some yard work and that got my mind off of it but as soon as I came back into the house, well guess what was there to meet me.

Listening to Matrixplay99 porn subliminal right now to help cut the urge; I am sure it is just because every time I quit porn I become a horny dog and when I watch it sex doesn't interest me at all, I deem it a chore.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on July 30, 2017, 08:27:34 PM
Keep going, it gets much easier.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on July 31, 2017, 04:27:53 PM
30 July - day 12

Thanks JS. 

So last night my wife and I are fooling around, and just as I am about to finish all of a sudden all sensation is gone and so is my erection; BLOODY HELL!  That is the very worst part about PIED for me, just as I am about to finish suddenly all sensation leaves and I go limp; I must have just got lucky that one night where even after we were done I was still hard, must have been channeling 20 year old testosterone.

Plus in the back of my head a little voice was saying "so what if you look at sex videos every once in a while, it's ok, go ahead"; so I stabbed myself in the brain and told it to shut up!  :o

It does make me wonder if those "anti-porn" subliminal also affect your normal sexual being; perhaps I will stop listening to them and see if anything changes.  Now that I think on it, I don't think I had been listening to them my one great night.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on July 31, 2017, 05:00:56 PM
Does your wife know you are struggling?  I didn't do anything with my wife for the first 3 weeks of my reboot.  It made it so much more enjoyable and I really didn't have any P on my mind either. 
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 02, 2017, 08:54:14 PM
2 Aug - Day 14

Hi JS;  No I would never tell my wife about it, I would be too embarrassed.  A few more times P has popped into my head but each time I have been able to defeat it which is great.  I am also starting to wonder if fatigue has a hand in all this "limp" stuff; as I said to my wife many times, "remember when we were 20 and we would go on 2 hours sleep just to have sex, now we go to bed at 1030 and say "sex or sleep" and choose sleep.

That one night where I was still erect after we were done I was super horny, but the night I went soft I could have taken or left sex and when I am like that well that is the time I start to think of the stuff I have seen on the net to try and get the libido up.

But on the good side it is now 2 weeks, but still I have done 6 before and then fell off the wagon.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 03, 2017, 05:23:45 AM
Understood.  Not sure what to tell you regarding the PIED.  I'm not really sure I had that issue.  I thought the same thing with my wife and she was really good about it. I guess I'm lucky in that respect.  Anyways keep going. But make sure you have a strategy in place.  The urges will continue and 99% will get easier but as I have found you can't let any little bit of P into your life, even searching FB and P of the mind can mess with you.  I'm learning that rebooting really is changing the lifestyle and the way we think. 
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 05, 2017, 05:40:06 PM
5 Aug - Day 17

Time is marching along and though the devil is on my shoulder I am able to smack him between the eyes and tell him to piss off.  Made out with the wife last night and even though I was very tired (VERY) I was able to do the job which is good news.  Once done I don't even remember putting my head down, I just passed out asleep.

I watched THE GREAT PORN EXPERIMENT yesterday, very interesting and informative.

Reading other people's stories helps a huge amount.

Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 06, 2017, 08:15:12 PM
6 Aug - day 18

Well today I started to M and after about 30 seconds my brain said to me "this is really boring!"  and it was right, I have no idea what the attraction was to that but it isn't there anymore, most likely because the sex between my wife and I is better.  Now that P is out of the picture the PIED is gone, no problem getting it up as long as it isn't 1130 at night, and that is just being old.

I have no inclination to look at porn, as I said long ago I find it all very boring and I had switched to stories.  I do find myself watching TV and thinking "that would make a great story" but nothing comes of it.

I notice my wife hugs me more now, I think she can sense the more loving and caring me instead of the guy who looked at P and compared her to it.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 07, 2017, 05:39:41 PM
7 Aug - day 19

Just my daily check it; all is going great really as I have zero interest in porn but some interest in M, but I don't have a problem with that as even when I watched P I didn't M most of the time.  My only fear is if I do M it will trigger P.

My wife and I were looking at a normal picture so I clicked on "go to website" and of course a full page naked chick showed up; swore and closed it, tried the link again and same thing.  Guess I will have to install a P blocker.
Title: Partial fail?
Post by: Jimbodel on August 08, 2017, 01:44:10 PM
Aug 8 - day 20

Partial fail today  :-\

I didn't look at porn but scenes from the stories I had written kept popping into my head which led to M although I didn't finish.  None the less I am disappointed.  Not sure if I call it a fail or a slip and keep going. I feel pretty sad about it as I didn't even really try to stop it either until I realized what I was doing and quit M.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 08, 2017, 02:34:44 PM
Ok it is a fail as reading reboot basics they state fantasying is as bad as watching but masturbating is not a fail.  I have no urge to watch at all but I do have it pop into my head often.

So tomorrow will be day 1 again, but I have learned something and that is important.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 08, 2017, 02:48:49 PM
Same thing happened to me and I didn't "count" it because I felt like I didn't really fail. I felt like in  the end it was a win because I didn't really use P and I never had an O.  So sit down later this evening and look at what you did leading up to that point and exactly what you felt leading up to that point also. Journal it, learn from it and move on by going forward and not looking back. This is the advice someone gave me. Just my two cents.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 08, 2017, 05:39:25 PM
Hi JS;  what led up to it was numerous erections last night while sleeping, just crazy and then watching Married with Children today which is basically porn with clothing!  Have you ever noticed that your sleeping erections are bigger and harder than your conscious ones?  I will have to think on whether I count it a failure, I did let scenes from my stories pop into my head at times but like you I never finished.  Will see what I think tomorrow.

Thanks for the feed back.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: TakeActionNow on August 08, 2017, 06:41:44 PM
Jim,
dont be so hard on yourself.

The process of recovery is about awareness and reconnection.
That you are aware is already a good sign of recovery.

You are not perfect.
Do not expect that just because you are going through reboot you will 100% not have desires. The human body, mind and emotions are not a rigid system.
It is like an ocean with currents and storms.

In time your waves of desires will slowly subside, and be replaced with calm and still stability.
Until then, you just need to watch yourself and not be sucked into it unconsciously, and not do things that promote it.

I will not count this as a failing, but as a learning.
If you didn't learn, then you need to fail.
but if you have learnt, do not judge yourself harshly, because you are already moving in the right direction.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 08, 2017, 08:36:27 PM
I hear you and yes, I have that same issue when I sleep.  It wakes me up often.  I really view it as a super positive because it tells me the signs of aging aren't really that sever as my knees and back and every other joint I have in my body.  Anyways, what TAN said is right, if you don't learn then you failed. 
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 08, 2017, 09:26:37 PM
Thanks guys for the feedback.  I think I am going to count it as no porn failure, but M failure.

I have bad knees too, ended my career; and a bad back to boot too. Army to blame for me.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 09, 2017, 08:46:07 AM
I hear ya.  Okay, so then pick yourself up and learn from it and move on. Don't let yourself get to the point where you are contemplating M again.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 09, 2017, 07:19:07 PM
Aug 9 - day 21/1

Not much today, running around town today and wife is at work tonight but no inclination to look at P, but then I never really do.  I would still like to write stories but obviously I won't, but I wrote some great ones! :P
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 09, 2017, 08:18:33 PM
Ha, I'm sure you did, and that why you are here bud, they were to great. Stay stronge.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 10, 2017, 10:17:28 PM
LOL - Yeah, just thinking of them makes me smile...um I guess that isn't good huh.  ;)

10 Aug - day 22/2
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 11, 2017, 06:09:30 PM
11 Aug - Day 23/3
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 13, 2017, 05:09:42 PM
13 Aug - D25 1/30

Well it seems to me that looking at porn, at least at this point, is not an issue but the urge to M is so I am going to start a new clock and go for 30 days without M.  Myself, I don't think that P and M necessarily go together, one can occasionally M without using P or thinking of it and without a lot of the bad side effects of P, at least IMO.  Even when I did M it was maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks, hardly a problem.  I am also forcing myself not to stop when I see a hot babe on tv and oogle her; did well today, a woman was standing there with no bra on and you could see the entire side of her boob, normally I would have stopped and stared for 5 minutes but today I kept going, but it wasn't easy.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: bob on August 13, 2017, 05:25:29 PM
Jim,

Good to hear that you were able to look away from that tempting imagery. I too struggle with that situation. Its there, right in front of me, and within the realm of its titillation level, it is over the top. And you looked away. That's great.

I have always felt a level of success if I acknowledged her (who ever) as a female, realize she is attractive, alluring, even down right sexy; then I look away. Its as if I am giving her the respect of not visualizing her as an object. Its OK that she is all of the things above. However, she is also a girl, a women, an individual, someones sister, mother, wife, friend. She is not responsible for my reaction. I handle myself with dignity and do not linger with my eyes or my mind.

Its not always easy but as I said; I feel success when the two second rule is applied effectively.

Peace
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 14, 2017, 03:54:14 PM
14 Aug - D25 2/30

Hi Bob;  Very hard to not freeze the image and stare for sure.  Today on my run I passed 3x 20 something girls in bikinis...God has a great sense of humor!  Of course I was too old for them to look at me, unless I had rolls of cash falling out of my pockets.

As the old saying goes "too bad youth is wasted on the young".
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 14, 2017, 07:14:47 PM
Ain't that the truth.  I've been at the beach and there are way to many women in bikinis, it's killing me.  I don't think I have ever walked with my head down as long as I have today.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 15, 2017, 03:51:57 PM
15 Aug - D26 3/30



Hi JS;  In my case I was running across an old logging bridge out in the middle of nowhere, more bears than people in the area which is why I take that route, no traffic.  The girls were going to the falls I guess, who knows if I had hung around maybe I could have seen full nudity.  The beach would defeat me!
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 15, 2017, 08:36:48 PM
I'll admit it's tough. But I just don't want the wrath of negitive feelings that will follow.  I just look the other way or keep my head down. If I thought for a second there would be nudity I would really be in trouble though.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 16, 2017, 09:17:27 PM
16 Aug - D27 4/30

Wife is at work, M urge is strong so I played a computer game, listened to a subliminal and came here.  Urge is dropping and I am ok now; glad my wife doesn't work a full week!
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 21, 2017, 11:39:09 AM
21 Aug - Day 32

My third night of not sleeping, I sure wish I could regularly sleep each and every night, it seems that I will go days with poor sleep (bed at 11, wake between 1-3, fall asleep again between 4-5, up at 8 ) and then have an exhausted sleep like Sunday, slept until 930 which is very late for me.  Of course last night I couldn't sleep so my brain went to thinking of sex stories I could write; time and again I redid my chant and it would go away only to return a few minutes later.  Feeling very tired today, brain weakened so having to fight the urge to write big time.

***well didn't write, but I did M which I am attributing completely to my brain fog, I could fall asleep right now as I type this.  Didn't O, just M. Back to day 0.***
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 22, 2017, 06:14:20 PM
22 Aug - Day 33/1
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: js2004 on August 23, 2017, 06:00:11 AM
Keep going forward and don't look back. I have been dwelling on the past lately and really struggling so just move forward. Day 1 or Day 76, the struggle is still the same. It just get more manageable as long as you stick to your program.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 23, 2017, 01:39:53 PM
23 Aug - Day 34/2

Thanks JS; yep everyday is the same, same old thoughts and such.  Lately I have been thinking of all the hot women I won't be able to look at online anymore and going "that sucks"; of course that is just the addiction talking.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on August 25, 2017, 01:21:48 PM
Ok, ran an experiment starting Wed and ending today, I purposely relapsed to see what the effects would be after reading stuff on "your brain on porn", both good and bad.  This is what I found out:

Good:  After a month of not watching porn I was able to get an erection while watching a video, something that was not possible before I rebooted.

Bad:  1.  I started Wed at 4pm writing a story, at 5 I had to stop for supper and to wash dishes and all I could think of was writing.  At 6 I resumed writing and spent until 830 doing so, and even then I had to force myself to stop.  While waiting to write again at 5 I felt excited, like a kid with a new present, and my stomach had butterfly's.  I felt incredibly jumpy like I had too much coffee.

2.  Thursday I couldn't wait to get back on the computer and write more; while looking up something about Klingons (not related to the story) a picture of a hot babe popped up, that is all it took for me to search her and find her naked.  That led to looking for more hot babes which led to videos.  Suddenly I had about 12 videos downloaded and numerous tabs open on screen.  My wife wanted to go out yesterday afternoon but I chose to stay home so I could surf.  Once again at 830 I had to force myself off the computer.

3.  I was worried that my wife would catch me in the act; I was so paranoid that I made sure I shut down my laptop when not on it to make sure no evidence was available, normally I just put my LT to sleep.

4.  I quickly found myself comparing my wife to the women in the videos, and of course she lost.

5.  Today, Friday, I ended up MO to one of my favourite videos, as soon as I was finished I felt bad and deleted all stuff from my computer.  This is the same routine I always followed.

So now back to day 1, but I am glad I did this so I know what the effects would be.  I did learn that M without thinking of P or watching it is not a relapse, at least for me, the effects and feelings are totally different.  I was beating myself over M but I won't anymore, not that I M much anyway.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on September 05, 2017, 02:05:33 PM
Ok, after being pissed off with my wife I have to admit that today I completely failed in every way, so tomorrow will be day 1 again.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on September 07, 2017, 03:51:38 PM
D1.  I am starting to wonder if coming here is really necessary, I should be able to stop looking at P without having to use a false crutch such as a daily tracker.   :-\ Will see how it goes.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 07, 2017, 07:48:15 PM
Jim,
please dont let up.

Being here is not about days tracking.
It is about personal life journalling.

Through journalling you will understand yourself better.
The triggers and the consequences.
It is about awareness and accountability.

Hopefully you will be able to understand yourself better and map the route to greater happiness and freedom in your life.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on September 08, 2017, 09:55:17 AM
Like TakeActionNow I'd encourage you to keep coming back. Some of the greatest tools that helped me make it this far were being part of a community; encouraging others; and accepting that I couldn't beat my porn addiction alone. So yes please keep coming back and encouraging others. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on September 10, 2017, 04:32:15 PM
D4
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on September 11, 2017, 07:50:45 AM
Congrats on day 4. Keep coming back my friend. I'd also recommend reading "Your Brain on Porn."
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on September 19, 2017, 10:50:11 PM
So I found going day by day just wasn't enough incentive for me, it was too easy to say "it is just a day, what the hell" so last Monday I decided I would set a goal of 1 week.  Saturday I was tempted but I rationalized that I only had 3 days to go to meet my goal and it worked, so 1 week down.  I will continue to strive for a week at a time as it is more of a carrot for me.

1 week.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: TakeActionNow on September 20, 2017, 12:18:04 AM
Jim,

do have a think about these few things to help you along:

1. why do you do it?

The tell tale sign happens just before we slip.
For me its quite clear: loneliness, seeking achievement, boredom

2. Do you know this is a habit?
In the book "The power of habit", the author describes habit as :
cue- routine- reward
The problem with habits is that it is automatic with little decision making.
sometimes the habit is so strong that perceived reward kicks in before routine actually takes place.

However, just as we can form a PMO habit, we can also break a PMO habit by forming new creative ones to replace the old.
http://www.kimhartman.se/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/The-Power-of-Habit-Summary.pdf (http://www.kimhartman.se/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/The-Power-of-Habit-Summary.pdf)
Cravings come and go. But may persist if the environment doesnt change. Best is to get out of the house for a walk or go do something that requires focus and attention.


3. Greater goal and purpose
Set a strong long term goal with meaning.
I have an end Nov goal because I'll be flying out and I want to be mentally and physically prepared for that.

4. Bonus
M and P works like a vicious cycle. They breed and promote each other.
Cut one out and the other will quickly fade.
My cutting out of M has made me less interested in P
no access to P means no need to M

5. Lastly, if its not difficult or challenging, its not worthwhile.
Surfing P and/or getting an M is too easy.
The body knows it and wont reward us with actual feel good factors.
Go find something interesting and challenging to do !

Good luck and stay focused !
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on September 20, 2017, 06:26:09 AM
Well done brother on a week PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) free. Keep coming back! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on September 25, 2017, 06:25:08 PM
Week 2, easy.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: DV8 on September 29, 2017, 09:43:20 PM
Congrats on your week two and more by now. It was at this point that I notice a shift in will power. This might sound odd but 30 days was easier that two weeks. Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on September 30, 2017, 05:03:16 PM
Well done on two weeks my friend. Keep us posted. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on October 03, 2017, 09:49:52 PM
3 weeks, no temptation at all.  Even stumbled upon a naughty picture when I was looking for reviews on THE MUMMY (horrible Tom Cruise movie SUCKED) and looked at it, said "that's not what I wanted" and closed the window.

Not surprised THE MUMMY gets 26%.

Thanks to all for the replies.  For me setting long range benchmarks is much better than day by day.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on October 04, 2017, 09:18:52 AM
Congratulations on three weeks my friend. That's a huge milestone. Please keep posting and providing updates. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on October 12, 2017, 03:59:38 PM
4+ weeks, still sliding along.

I can't believe how much better feeling sex is with my wife than when I was watching P and having to visualize it to get off.  Night and day.

Cheers all.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on October 16, 2017, 02:36:00 AM
Well done brother. I look forward to your next post/update. Keep coming back! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Strikeatruepath on October 16, 2017, 10:49:02 AM
Great stuff! Already you are seeing major improvement in your life...
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on October 17, 2017, 09:12:14 PM
Hi All.  5 weeks yesterday, zero temptation.  I think it is like my buddy who quit smoking, one day he looked at me and said "I am sick of this", he butted out and never smoked again; well the same for me.  Hope it sticks but I think it will.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on October 18, 2017, 02:17:45 AM
Well done on going "cold turkey" my friend. Keep going! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on October 20, 2017, 08:18:17 PM
Hmm, feeling a little tempted today but haven't given in.  Decided to come here and read some posts of other struggles to get me over the hump and it helped.  :)
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: lyon03 on October 22, 2017, 09:31:55 AM
Good for you! How are things going with your reboot my friend? I look forward to your next post/update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 04, 2018, 04:40:57 PM
Hello folks, I am back.  Since my last post I failed twice, each time I would go about 2 weeks and then cave in and always when I was home and bored.  I have been coming here every day since 28 Dec and reading three or four posts from other people to realize how shitty porn is and to reinforce the fact that I am done with it.  I have a reminder that pops up on my desktop every day and says "Reboot Nation" to remind me to read.  I have also set my DNS to opendns which has a built in family filter.  While porn blockers can be beaten, this one is a bit of a pain to do so being that you have to log into your router, change the dns, save the settings and then reboot your modem, about a 10 minute process.  Hopefully that lag will help me defend against the urge.  I use to use K9 but that was so simple to disable, a quick password and done.

If anyone wants to know how to use opendns with family filter google OPENDNS and then use the two dns that are set for filtering, or I can help you.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 06, 2018, 03:10:23 PM
day 9 of my latest try.  This time as soon as anything pops into my head I immediately push it out, I never use to do that. 
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 09, 2018, 05:11:48 PM
This is day 12 of my latest go; funny as soon as my wife left for work at noon my brain began to tempt me to do what I shouldn't.  I fought it off and came here to read instead.  Obviously I have trained my brain to look for PMO when she goes to work, sort of like Pavlov's dog.  Knowing the signs and symptons will help me beat it.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: unchained on January 09, 2018, 06:07:52 PM
Hi,
I'm back after being gone for a pretty good while and can relate to journal, especially the on-again off-again roller coaster of successes and failures.  After reading through your journal, each of your last three posts resonated with me:

I have also set my DNS to opendns which has a built in family filter.

Thanks for the suggestion.  I plan on installing OpenDNS on my router tonight.  Covenant Eyes works really well for me and is on every devise that I have access to with exception to my PS4.  I am hoping OpenDNS at the router level on my home network will be an effective way to make the PS4 safe.

day 9 of my latest try.  This time as soon as anything pops into my head I immediately push it out, I never use to do that. 

Consider reading a bit about breath meditation.  It can help you become better and better at what you just did.  Over time it becomes much easier to focus your attention away from unwanted thoughts.  It's just like working out a muscle...you will become better at directing your thoughts with practice.

funny as soon as my wife left for work at noon my brain began to tempt me to do what I shouldn't.  I fought it off and came here to read instead.  Obviously I have trained my brain to look for PMO when she goes to work, sort of like Pavlov's dog.

My wife leaving for work in the morning is the #1 trigger for me, too.  It's just like you said...Pavlov's dog.  I can hear the garage door go up and my body begins to react.  The two days a week that my wife works means that I have an hour and a half of alone time with an unprotected PS4 that has been my stumbling block over and over.  Hopefully, your OpenDNS suggestion will take it off the table.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 11, 2018, 01:58:09 PM
Thanks unchained.  Wife left for work at 930 and no thoughts at all, I think that now that I have recognized the trigger I am able to defeat it.  I have also stopped freezing the tv to stare at babes on it too, something I use to do even with my wife beside me.

day 14 today, but I have gone 35 before so 14 isn't much of a mark. 
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 13, 2018, 02:06:17 PM
17 days (13 Jan); my wife left for work and no urge to jump on the porn wagon occurred, that is great.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 14, 2018, 01:07:47 PM
Day 18 (14 Jan).  Going well so far, wife left for work and only a slight impulse to surf, but it won't happen.  I am going hard core this time around, no touching or anything, the previous times I would MO and I failed as my thoughts would turn to P scenes or stories.  At least this morning I was thinking about sex with my wife (wanting too) instead of sex scenes.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 15, 2018, 12:46:07 PM
D19 (15 Jan)

Thanks EM.  It was funny, I was great all yesterday, no problem, then around 4 I started getting tired (sick) and a commercial came on that has a babe on it, well that got me thinking and suddenly I had a fight on my hands.  I won in the end, but bloody hell such little things cause turmoil.

My brain started the argument "so what if you check out babes online, what is it going to hurt?  Go on PMO". Still feeling residual affects today, so I still have a wee fight.

I will search that article.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 16, 2018, 04:51:32 PM
D20 (16 Jan)  Yesterday was a bit of a struggle at times, the monster kept crawling out and ambushing me but I held my ground and fought the good fight.  When my wife came home from work I knew I was safe and that I had won, the bastard was defeated.  I felt very happy with myself.  :D
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 18, 2018, 12:56:13 PM
D22 (18 Jan)  A very short M relapse last night of a minute or so, but nothing major and not enough to worry about.  Working hard to day though to overcome the urge that still lingers.
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 20, 2018, 04:49:37 PM
D24 (20 Jan)  Feel great, got laid this morning!  I found out that just being middle aged can cause your erection to disappear in the middle of sex.  When we were young we were all encompassed by getting laid, so we had no problems, but as we get older we have to concentrate more to keep it up.  What happens is that our brain will wander if we are not 100% into the act, and since your brain thinks of something else it tells your penis to relax.

The other night I went 1/2 soft in the middle of sex, but it was right after my back started bothering me (spinal problems) and I started thinking about that.  I read about the wandering brain on a doctor's website, but can't remember which one.  Makes total sense.

Stupid brain..."I'M OUTTA HERE!"
Title: Re: Another try at an old problem
Post by: Jimbodel on January 21, 2018, 02:53:36 PM
D25 (21 Jan)  All is well, no urges at all.