Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: Orbiter on March 13, 2017, 06:20:18 AM

Title: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 13, 2017, 06:20:18 AM
Day Zero

Hi everyone,

I'm Orbiter, I have had a problem with pornography basically since the moment I started looking at it back when I was young. I first began to show signs of delayed ejaculation from the first time I had sex at age 17, which progressed to erectile dysfunction by 26 or so. I am also certain I have a high level of performance anxiety and experience high levels of social anxiety generally.

I have been trying to quit on-and off since April 2012, so far without success. I made a couple of old journals back in the day on the 25-29 section of YBR, during that time I made some progress. Since then, I have had to address other personal issues in my life. Quitting became less and less of a priority until I was basically back into old habits which I am now struggling to get out of.

This habit impacts my life, my work, my friendships, my relationships, my energy, my happiness. Almost everything! I've wasted so much. I desperately need to quit this stuff before it ruins my life!

More to come.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 15, 2017, 01:14:01 AM
Day 1

For accountability's sake, I should say that I looked at several artistic nudes yesterday. I am treating this as a relapse, so this is technically day one. I don't really have much explanation, just loneliness and being stuck in my own head too much I think. Thankfully I am going out tonight to see a concert with a friend, which should provide some much needed distraction at least for this evening.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 16, 2017, 05:38:59 PM
Day 3

Managed to stay strong the previous two days. I was surprised yesterday was not more difficult as for the last year at least I PMO, usually more than once, like clockwork on that day of the week. I am spending some time with family later today and seeing another concert in the evening. The more time out of the house and away from the computer at the moment, the better. With that said, I will have to make sure not to wear myself down to the point where I can't control my urges. It's a fine balance.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 21, 2017, 03:19:01 AM
Day 3 (again)

So the following day after my last post, I relapsed twice in a row.

My brain persuaded me it was a good idea plus it wouldn't do any harm if I got back on the wagon plus it was better to relapse then than until 3AM in the middle of the working week plus how good would it be etc. etc. etc.

In other words, all the usual excuses. I knew what was happening, but I was weak and resigned myself to them easily.

Since then I have been trying not to dwell on it. I spent the rest of that day being productive & catching up on work that needed to be done. The following day I avoided the chaser effect by spending most of the day catching up with a friend, the day after that I was too busy to think about it...which leads me to today. I still feel pretty disappointed and my pride a bit bruised after the grand declaration of staying clean. But I should know better, i've been in that place many times before. I am going to focus on a short term goal for now and see if I can make it to day 7. Beyond that is simply too daunting to think about for me at the moment.

One day at a time.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 22, 2017, 12:08:09 AM
...and just like that, I relapsed in the early hours of the morning...and I think i'm getting a cold now too. So I guess it's back to...

Day Zero
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on March 24, 2017, 02:30:53 PM
Just keep trying. I am struggling currently with the same problem.

Right now I am trying to discover all the triggers (alone time on PC or tablet, dirty thoughts,...) and try to avoid any potentially dangerous situation. Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on March 24, 2017, 04:38:19 PM
Yeah, this is all very familiar to me, too.

Identify your triggers. Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up. You can't succeed without mistakes. You need the learning experience from mistakes to be able to progress.

Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you.

Another questionable piece of advice... if you really have to, do it quick. Just jack off, without porn obviously, and cum as fast as you can. Get it over with. Plain, simple release of sexual tension. Point is, don't give yourself a treat, you know? Make it as boring as taking a leak. Everything is better than using porn or edging techniques.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 26, 2017, 02:21:50 AM
Yeah, this is all very familiar to me, too.

Identify your triggers. Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up. You can't succeed without mistakes. You need the learning experience from mistakes to be able to progress.

Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you.

Another questionable piece of advice... if you really have to, do it quick. Just jack off, without porn obviously, and cum as fast as you can. Get it over with. Plain, simple release of sexual tension. Point is, don't give yourself a treat, you know? Make it as boring as taking a leak. Everything is better than using porn or edging techniques.

Just keep trying. I am struggling currently with the same problem.

Right now I am trying to discover all the triggers (alone time on PC or tablet, dirty thoughts,...) and try to avoid any potentially dangerous situation. Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean.

All great advice, thanks to you both! I shall take it all into consideration.

DAY 0 (yet again)

Just MOed as I couldn't take it any longer. I've had several relapses over the last three or so days, at least daily. Being sick (therefore bored and alone at home) i'm sure has made this worse than usual. Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours. When I am stuck in them, I feel like I cannot physically stop even though I am fully aware at the time that I do not want to. I feel like i'm losing control of myself and my life when I do it. A vicious cycle as the panic I feel from this makes me want to retreat even deeper into these sessions.

I feel over the last year my tastes are escalating far too rapidly. The way it's going is really starting to creep me out to be honest. This is not the life I envisioned for myself at age 31. Porn addiction had already taken so much from me, I can't let this continue to ruin my life. How did it get to this? How can PMO be so difficult to quit when it makes me so utterly miserable?!!

"Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up."

I think one of the current problems is that I continue to, albeit for short periods of time, completely give up. It's like, i'll go really hard at staying away from porn and doing positive things in my life for 4-5 days until i'm even slightly triggered, then I give up and binge for another 3-4 days until I am back to square one or even worse than before. I need to get better at getting back on the wagon. I need a strategy to cope with this and move forward as my urge control right now is a little above zero. I also need to find ways to get straight back on the wagon after I relapse


"Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you."

"Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean."

I relate to both of these strongly at the moment. I need to get serious on identifying and avoiding my triggers. Some I can think off the top of my head are:

  1 - Google & Bing Image & Video Search (gets me everytime)
  2 - Browsing Imdb (searching actresses and movies)
  3 - Aimless browsing of the internet for periods 2 hours or over
  4 - Stress, especially from work
  5 - Alcohol
  6 - Fatigue (too tired to resist)
  7 - Procrastinating on tasks I do not want to do
  8 - Using laptops and tablets in the bedroom (I do this again and again and again and again etc)

I'm going to over the rest of today thing of ways I am going to reinforce the importance of avoiding exposing myself to these triggers. I will also continue to list others as they appear, as this is FAR from a definite list.

I think my problem is that I have all the determination, but I clearly do not have a proper plan in place on how I am to go about sticking to my commitment to not use. Without a plan, my addiction is only going to continue to outsmart me.

The weekend is gone and sadly, I am once again beginning a new week on empty. Time to get smarter about this!

EDIT - Added some more triggers
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on March 26, 2017, 11:10:17 AM
Orbiter: I am so much like you...

"Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours" - sadly that is me and I believe these long dopamine-soaked hours of abusing myself created very strong addiction.

I am also very tempted by google image searches, celebrities, etc.

I failed today too.... what do you say we start together? WE CAN DO IT!

I will try not to use computer besides my work, this is my biggest trigger in general. I wish I didn§t have to work on the computer and could just lock it in some chest.

Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 27, 2017, 01:49:03 AM
Orbiter: I am so much like you...

"Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours" - sadly that is me and I believe these long dopamine-soaked hours of abusing myself created very strong addiction.

I am also very tempted by google image searches, celebrities, etc.

I failed today too.... what do you say we start together? WE CAN DO IT!

I will try not to use computer besides my work, this is my biggest trigger in general. I wish I didn§t have to work on the computer and could just lock it in some chest.

Count me in KittyHawk! Let's do this!

I did some thinking about the amount of time I spend on the computer and even if I wasn't relapsing like mad, it is still way too much. Yesterday I was reading an article about the personal experiences of a person who slowly and gradually withdrew from social media and a lot of modern technology. Reading it, it somehow struck me in a way that it hasn't before, the insanity of sitting in front of a computer screen for HOURS at a time as the sun fades away yet and a whole day is lost. Or even worse, glued to the screen until the sun starts to rise, having binged the entire night and having to face a full day of work feeling and looking like garbage.

It's like a recovering alcoholic spending every evening hanging out in bars and not drinking. It's insane. There needs to be a life style shift of some kind for this to really work.

So i've decided I am going to ration myself 2 hours of computer time at home per day. This does not include using the computer at work, which I barely have time to use during a typical day as is. I'm expecting today, once my hours are finished to be restless, anxious and bored out of my mind. This won't be comfortable but it has to be done.

Also, no tablets or computers in the bedroom. This is going to be tough as I like to listen to music and podcasts with them, but having net access within arms reach at the dead of night is asking for trouble. And i'm in this mess too deep to deal with that kind of temptation right now.

Celebrity culture and film is a bad one for me. Especially so with the advent of nude leaks and the increasing amount of films with unsimulated sex. Even if the film is tame, I still find myself looking up pictures of an actress. From them it's only a matter of time before that image search turns up something triggering. So no imdb and NO IMAGE SEARCHES!!

There will be more temptations as the days pass. Usually the 4-7 day period is very difficult for me, I think I will have to be unusually careful over that period.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on March 27, 2017, 07:58:43 AM
Yes, I know I have also an internet addiction. But somehow compared to porn/orgasm addiction, it doesn't look so serious (but they are connected, so I should try to break free from both).

Only when I started trying to get rid of my PMO compulsion, I realized how over-sexualized almost all movies and TV shows are. Even tame funny sitcoms are just talking about sex and relationships. I used to like it, now I hate it (and secretly still like it).  I used to make fun of modesty covers over mainstream magazines in Publix but now I am actually glad for them as they prevent me from triggering.

Day 4 is also my first really tough barrier. The second comes around day 10-14 and sadly I must say never went longer without O probably since puberty so I have no idea if it get easier afterwards. I went much longer without P though.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on March 27, 2017, 02:31:32 PM
Success to you both.

Your stories remind me of my 20s. I wonder what happened in my life that made my addiction become less severe. It was a very natural process, as I've never tried to quit porn or reboot before.

I guess I was in a rut called a relationship. When that ended, I felt liberated. I rediscovered myself. Life simply became more fun. I started doing all kinds of things I always thought about before but never did.

So perhaps it's like every successful rebooter says -- it's not about counting the days, it's about changing your life.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 28, 2017, 12:34:00 AM
The second comes around day 10-14 and sadly I must say never went longer without O probably since puberty so I have no idea if it get easier afterwards. I went much longer without P though.

From previous experience I find it does. It's weird but you get used to it. I found the toughest part the first time I attempted a reboot (37 days back in April 2012) was breaking through the psychological barrier and realising that it can be done and it's not as difficult as my brain made me think it was. The other side of that is that it's easy at that point on to get cocky and complacent.

Success to you both.

Your stories remind me of my 20s. I wonder what happened in my life that made my addiction become less severe. It was a very natural process, as I've never tried to quit porn or reboot before.

I guess I was in a rut called a relationship. When that ended, I felt liberated. I rediscovered myself. Life simply became more fun. I started doing all kinds of things I always thought about before but never did.

So perhaps it's like every successful rebooter says -- it's not about counting the days, it's about changing your life.

I felt the same quitting cigarettes. I didn't make any grand declaration to quit, I just didn't feel like going to the store and getting more cigarettes one day and decided after a day i'd give quitting a go. I haven't had any such moments with PMO unfortunately. There have been a lot of big and painful life changes that have if anything made quitting PMO far more difficult to quit than it previously was. I'm not making excuses, but it hasn't been easy and most of my energy has gone into keeping the life progress i've made over the last few years from falling apart. Fighting PMO became less of a priority, but of course PMOing only makes things even more difficult. It's been a bit of a catch 22 really.

DAY 2

Had a stressful day today at work. Maybe it was because I wasn't using the computer late at night & early in the morning, or maybe I might have merely found a new-found focus on getting things together, but I feel I handled some tough situations today with more calm and focus than I do 'normally'. When I first quit PMO, I was at a point where I had no job, no references, no prospects whatsoever and had almost entirely given up.

It took a few years and a lot of hard work to bring myself back from that place I was stuck back into society again, but I did it and not only found myself a job but perhaps even a career. It's one of the few things in my life i've managed to keep together despite my increasingly severe slip back into deep porn addiction. Sometimes i'm not sure whether the pressure hurts or helps my fight with PMO, but ultimately I think i'm in a better place for it.

Sometimes I wonder if I focus on it (work) so much that my life outside of it has stagnated somewhat. I make music in a band on my weekends and spent time with some regular friends here and there but other than that, nothing new seems to happen, nothing changes. Maybe this makes things worse with PMO, maybe it's an excuse I tell myself not to do anything about my life and PMO instead. I wonder...
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 30, 2017, 07:28:18 PM
DAY 5

I have been meaning to make an update here but I have been too busy over the last two or so days to properly do so. I am on the fifth day now and I have managed to so far stay clean. No edging, peeking, fantasizing so far despite the growing temptation. I woke this morning with solid morning wood that wouldn't go away, I went back to sleep, woke up two hours later and it was still there. My dreams are becoming increasingly 'porn-like' as I push further ahead. My aim at the moment is to push through to day 8 and go from there.

My '2 hour' rule with the computer is going well, though it became 2.5 hours today for the sake of staying up to date on Reboot Nation. My week has been busy so my willpower hasn't been tested too heavily as of yet. The first night I was pacing up and down the house, bored out of my mind though. Bored but I curiously couldn't bring myself to actually do anything.

'No computers in the bedroom' is also going well. I should say I do have my phone in there which I use for my wake-up alarm but I barely use my phone for anything other than an alarm and a way to make calls and send messages. I don't have any social media accounts either (deleted Facebook 2013 and never looked back) which lessens the appeal of using the phone for internet considerably.

'No imdb and no image searches' also going well but once again, there has been little time for temptation.

I can feel the urges to relapse getting stronger today, I have to be very careful over the next few days. I have a busy weekend but I will do what I can to stay clean and accountable for myself.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: d2222rc on March 30, 2017, 08:46:57 PM
My experiences are so similar to yours and KittyHawk's. I'm on day four myself. My first real test will be over the next few days when I'm sure I'll have a block of time to look at porn, if I want. Right now, I have no desire. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I'll still feel the same way. For me, it's been really helpful just visiting this forum every day or night.

Try not to get yourself down for relapsing. The fact that we've all taken the initiative to help each other out on this site is a huge step forward.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: vrblasasn on March 31, 2017, 10:24:11 AM
 I think in modern society we are taught failure is the worst thing possible, but without failure we don't learn, and if we don't learn, we don't succeed. You guy's are such an inspiration by not giving up.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 31, 2017, 08:29:50 PM
I think in modern society we are taught failure is the worst thing possible, but without failure we don't learn, and if we don't learn, we don't succeed. You guy's are such an inspiration by not giving up.

...which is insane if any of us really stop and think about it. Of course a desire to success in anything we choose to undertake is so important, and failure is not something that should be trivialized. However I think very few can succeed unless they fail AND take the lessons they learn from it and move forward. I think our pride and ego's can really get in the way of achieving this sometimes.

My experiences are so similar to yours and KittyHawk's. I'm on day four myself. My first real test will be over the next few days when I'm sure I'll have a block of time to look at porn, if I want. Right now, I have no desire. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I'll still feel the same way. For me, it's been really helpful just visiting this forum every day or night.

Try not to get yourself down for relapsing. The fact that we've all taken the initiative to help each other out on this site is a huge step forward.

Good luck!

A circle of support is so important to quitting anything isn't it? Porn addiction can be so frustrating in that regard because it is still not really understood or taken seriously by most. It's an addiction that thrives in isolation but of course we're all in this together. Congratulations on day 4 by the way, stay strong!



DAY 6

I'm finding this really hard today. All my plans got cancelled for today and the cravings are hitting me hard today. The urge is quite strong, I know that if I was exposed to anything even slightly triggering right now, I would probably cave. I think I will close the computer for today and head out for a drive somewhere today.

My current aim is to get through today and I am going to focus solely on getting through today, whatever it takes.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 01, 2017, 02:13:26 AM
DAY 6...to 0

I'm afraid I have to swallow my pride and admit that after I posted that last message, I relapsed twice.

Instead of logging off, I started browsing through Reddit and looking through "borderline" subs until I found a short video that was particularly triggering. After that, I held out for an hour before I eventually caved in.

Looking back on it, I think my addict part of my brain might have thought it had a free pass as my plans for today fell through. I was also drinking last night and had only had a few hours sleep, so I was tired and my guard was down. I also broke my rule of no computer in the bedroom and I broke my rule of no more than 2 hours of internet.

I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed. Things were going so well. I was genuine excited and looking forward to starting a new week with some distance of PMO behind me and going to work without having to deal with horrible brain fog. Alas, I will have to wait (at least) one more week.

Oh well. Nothing to be done other than learning what I can from this mistake and moving forward. After this I am DEFINITELY staying away from computers for the rest of today. Time to dust myself off and start again.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on April 01, 2017, 05:57:54 AM
There's a risk of saying one thing here and doing the other thing out there. I patted myself on the back a few times here, then messed up the very same day.

Not sure what it is... Perhaps it shows we can never get complacent, or let our guard down, or even "celebrate" what little progress we've made.

Last night I was tempted to smoke a cigarette. 'Cuz I was feeling better, right? Why not reward myself for it?

Try to learn from these experiences. Think them through, share them here. So they're not lost on you.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on April 02, 2017, 06:12:25 AM
I can relate to this as well.

Very often I relapsed right after hitting some important milestone and feeling very satisfied with myself. It was as if the brain said "ok, good job pal, and now let's get back on track with our PMO schedule, we are late..."  ;D  Well, I didn't feel satisfied afterwards... just keep trying.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 02, 2017, 06:28:05 AM
Thanks for the support guys, it really helps at times like this. Looking back on it, this particular relapse could have been averted. I let my guard down at the wrong time, I still have a lot of work to do.

DAY 1

I made a special effort to get out of the house today and keep myself busy. A bit too much time on the computer but at least it was with productive things and not aimlessly browsing the internet, or Youtube, or PMO etc. Back to the 2 hour limit tomorrow.

Though this is obviously quite disappointing to me that the weekend ended up like this, I am taking some comfort in the fact that I have done much better at getting back on the wagon than I did say, a couple of weeks ago when I relapsed for days in a row after a similar stint. A big problem I feel is that I am still too reliant on the internet as a sole source of entertainment. There are many other things I can and should do with my time. I want to feel more involved in my own life, rather than sitting and blankly ignoring it in front of the computer (or PMO-ing) while it all passes by.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on April 02, 2017, 06:30:04 AM
Lol, that was funny, KittyHawk.

Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This is a recurring element in everyone's journal. Short-term vs. long-term. It intrigues me. I believe living in the moment is the epitome of happiness. Yet if we truly do we'll masturbate our asses off, probably.

We must remove the artificial urges in our lives until only the natural, primordial needs remain. This also means freeing ourselves from society's demands. Then we can live in the moment.

Got that y'all?  ;)
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: a_better_tomorrow on April 02, 2017, 02:02:11 PM
Orbiter:

The computer is a dangerous place for me too.  I've been thinking about it like you have.  You've laid out some pretty good rules for yourself and I especially like the one with no computer in the bedroom.

I am also installing a porn blocker today.  If my will power fails, there will be one more line of defense.  I'm fortunate enough to be flatlining and I have not been so easily tempted.  I know this wont last, and I need to be ready when those "shields" drop.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Thanks for posting your struggle.  I'm new and I'm learning a little more with each passing day.  Let's beat this!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 03, 2017, 03:45:08 AM
Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This line really stuck with me as it presents presents a dilemma you do not often hear discussed.Does life really reward us if we're patient, or is life's reward something we have to seek out ourselves? And if we as addicts cannot be trusted with good rewards, how are we to find any reward in life or this process? Perhaps freeing ourselves from this creates an openness to the opportunities life throws at us that as addicts we're blind of? Or are we simply better able to choose them? Something to think about.

Also the short term vs long term nature of recovery. Do we have a long term vision of what comes after, or what we're supposed to be aiming toward with this process. When it is time to think about that and when is it time to knuckle down and do what it takes to get through the day.

DAY 2

I've been feeling unusually tired for some reason all day. Once I got home, I lay down and feel asleep for two hours shortly after. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open as I post this right now. I think an early nights sleep is in order. Though I feel drained, I also feel strangely calmer than usual. I'm not entirely sure why. I don't have much to add other than i'm getting myself back on track and doing what I can to stay alert and on top of this.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Agree with all of this. And though in all honesty i'm not sure i'd personally have the self discipline to stick to something like this, I think there is certainly something in paying closer to attention to what reasons exactly we go on the computer and where and when we deviate from that point. It's not often you hear, when someone relapses, what they were doing on the computer in the first place. I will try and incorporate it into my own journaling.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on April 03, 2017, 01:20:11 PM
I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that? :)
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 04, 2017, 01:25:08 AM
I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that? :)

Fair enough! :D

DAY 3

Tired. So tired. I seem to have no energy at all this week, don't really feel like doing much other than sleeping when i'm not at work. I've also been having lots of intrusive porn-related thoughts and urges. I was woken up by them this morning, it took me some time before I fully woke up and realized I was dwelling on these thoughts, and then I promptly shut them down. Urges to look up borderline material is also strong.

I think i'll have another quiet night tonight. Hopefully this lethargy is just a stage that will eventually pass.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 04, 2017, 04:29:46 AM
Relapsed again. Feeling really disappointed at the moment.

I need to seriously think about what i'm doing wrong here.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 07, 2017, 02:08:58 AM
DAY 0

Relapsed twice yesterday and once today after a seriously messed up edging session that went forever. I completely fell off the wagon this week. I think I am in a serious rut at the moment both mentally and in my life. One of the main thoughts as I fall into these sessions is "Why am I bothering staying clean anyway? What does it matter?", I don't really have any strong vision of what I would imagine or desire a 'clean' life to be. Without it, there doesn't feel like much to hang on to when the temptations hit hard.

My work is going to be closed next week, I have booked myself a small holiday along the bay which I will leave for once the weekend is over. I do not intend to bring a computer with me. I think a relaxed change of scenery, far removed from many of the stresses and familiar PMO triggers will do me some good. It should also hopefully give me some time to seriously think about what exactly i'm going to do about this problem of mine.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on April 07, 2017, 02:26:00 PM
I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 08, 2017, 05:45:10 PM
I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.

Spot on Anhaedra! I think that really gets to the crux of this. Though I am hesitant to write too much about my life as I don't particularly want my recovery journal to become a diary or whatever, I think there are aspects of my life that have come to a standstill, and I need to seriously think about improving if I am make a decent go of rebooting. I leave on holiday tomorrow so there won't be much journaling from me, but it should be a good time to reflect, free of some of the usual triggers of my day to day life. Also...

DAY 2

Still clean.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 06, 2017, 08:08:06 PM
DAY 1

It's been a long, dark few months. Trying to get back on track with this.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 07, 2017, 07:25:31 AM
If I can just make it through tonight, then I will be one day clean.

I feel over this year, I have experienced a parting-of-ways with a lot of my closest friends and people close to me. It is no surprise at the age that I am at that friends tend to split and be moved by life in seperate ways, somehow I thought I was surrounded by people who would ensure I would never lose too many.

I can't recall a time in years i've felt this isolated. I am struggling to find connections to make and form some sort of semi-regular social network out of friends and familiars but it is proving difficult. Many people I know have moved overseas or interstate, many people are married, many people have children, many people are expecting any or all of the above within the next two years.

Irrational as it is, it is difficult not to feel somewhat left behind. I know these feelings of isolation are common to men in my position of life at this age. It does make quitting much more difficult that it did when I first attempted this back in 2012. In the isolation, it's easy to forget why I decided to reboot in the first place. After all this time trying again and again, connecting with life seems harder than ever.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: RealityCheck on October 07, 2017, 12:14:56 PM
Orbiter,

I understand your pain.  Let's take this one at a time.

First of all, regardless of what's going on in your social life, you recognize that it's better for you all around to get away from PMO.  From reviewing your triggers, I think there's a relatively easy solution to start with: no laptop or tablet in your bedroom ever.  There shouldn't be a strong emotional tie in walking your laptop into your room.  The emotional urge comes when you have the internet at your fingertips and your sex drive is hungry.

Another relatively easy simple strategy is not to touch your belt.  It sounds dumb, but you can't masturbate if you keep your belt on.  Just don't touch it.  When you find yourself starting to undo it, catch yourself, and keep your hands off of it.  Again, there shouldn't be a strong emotional tie to grabbing your belt.

Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.  I'm on Day 41 right now, in large part because of this strategy.  Do you think there's any chance I'll relapse today and erase the past 40 days?! Of course not.  Use this snowball effect to your advantage. 
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 08, 2017, 02:22:52 AM
Hey thanks for dropping by Realitycheck. Truth be told, this is all good advice. I can't think of a relapse in recent times that wasn't in the bedroom. I've known it all this time but for some reason I seem unwilling to adhere to the rules I set out for myself, even know I know they will work. I clearly do have some emotional attachment to using my laptop in my room. It isn't something that is necessary by any means and I need to seriously work on some alternative habits.

Quote
Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.

This is really good advice. For some reason i've never really thought of it this way. There's so much effort that goes in only to pull things together enough post-relapse to function. If nothing else, it would be such a welcome break from having to do that. My urge control is unfortunately zero, and I think I will need to do some soul-searching if I am going to free myself of this.

When I was on the YBR forums, one of the RecoveryNation.com was making a list of values on how I would like my life to be. Despite my continuing struggles, life has come a long way from that. Maybe it's time those values are reassessed.

Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on October 09, 2017, 01:25:41 PM
Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? :) I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 10, 2017, 12:58:12 AM
Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? :) I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.

Hey Anhaedra, good to hear from you too! I've lurked occasionally over the last few months and checked in yours & others journals but haven't posted as i've been too busy...well, relapsing and struggling through the previous few months. Honestly I basically gave up. I believe exhaustion from reboot attempts (my first attempt was in April 2012!), not properly dealing with stressful issues in life (work and some difficult friends specifically) not properly understanding or dealing with the emotional effect of some of the changes in life we have been talking about as well as simply not committing adequately to the process has meant i've had little good to report.

It feels good to be back and getting clean again though. I'm glad to see the progress you've been making through the months and that you never gave up on fighting the good fight!

I can feel you can relate to much of what i'm saying. I don't hold it against the people I know for choosing the path that they have, but I know in my heart the road less travelled is for me. I have many personal ambitions that would not co-exist well with having a family and the family is (at least for now) not a role I could see myself in. I believe there are millions of paths & possibilities in life an individual can take, and the family is one of them.

Of course I do not look down on anyone and would never let myself look down on another person for taking a different path in life from my own. It however has hit home this year how lonely a path ours can be at our age.

I agree with you on all those points. Many people with wives and kids can and do have lonely, frustrating & isolated lives and also struggle with the same issues with porn as we do. I personally have little interest in societies demands, and quit all social media long ago as I believe it to be an insidious, emotionally manipulative platform of 'communication'. What I am trying to figure out is how I can break out of this cycle of addiction and make meaningful connections with others and the world around (I believe this is a very important part of breaking the cycle) at our period on life in a way that works with my life and values.

In the meantime, I have been focusing on the smaller picture and have worked on getting some better habits in life. I have started exercising again, I am following my rules re using computers, I am eating better and am in the process of thinking of habits and ambitions that will shift my life and frame of mind away from being a slave to porn addiction. It honestly just feels really good being 4 days clean and away from porn I gotta say.

EDIT: P.S. DAY 4!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 12, 2017, 04:11:44 AM
DAY 6

Things are good but I can also feel things getting tougher. I have to be careful over the next few days as to how I spend my time and manage my thoughts. I have had no strong urges, libido is low and I have had very few intrusive thoughts. I am however feeling an anxious stirring in my chest similar to the feeling of quitting cigarettes (a much easier task). I will keep my computer use to a minimum over the next 2 or 3 days. Reading, creative tasks, excercise & getting out of the house, even if it's a solitary outing, should hopefully keep me in a balanced frame of mind and out of temptation.

On a more positive note, I am enjoying the feeling of being 6 days clean. My mind feels like a better place to be in. Work has been easier despite a stressful week and I feel more comfortable in my own skin and around others. I remember when I was quitting cigarettes, a strong motivator was how much better it felt to be not smoking (withdrawals & cravings aside). My motivators feel similar in this case.

One day at a time. Moving forward.

Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: RealityCheck on October 12, 2017, 09:36:15 AM
Fantastic post, Orbiter!  You can now use the positive feelings are you experiencing as a result of fighting your urges as more motivation to continue.  I believe that key to quitting our habit/addiction is to build MORE and MORE incentive as time goes on.  It should be getting easier and easier for us, not harder and harder.  That way, we can know that over time, the hardest part is behind us.

With that being said, it's not realistic to think that EVERY day will be better than the last.  I'm certain there may be some days in the future that urges will be particularly strong.  But over time, they should dissipate.  Keep it going!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on October 14, 2017, 02:07:13 PM
Agree with you. There are many "legit" paths to take in life, but for many including myself it takes half a lifetime to figure it out which is a waste... but better late than never.

I understand you're in a totally different position as far as your reboot is concerned. But please, if you get to the point of flatline, do everything you can to "re-wire." My current impression is that I'll be flatlined, or "de-wired," forever, if I don't reconnect with someone or something. Basically, by rebooting for months, most of the time on hard mode, I've pulled the plug from my sexual brain. So all porn urges are gone. But at some point, you need to plug it back in!

In the absence of any dating or the like, I'm using my meditation sessions to visualize romantic or sexual encounters, free of any porn elements, mind you. I think it's working. The idea of meeting women is starting to feel less alien to me. For a while, I was almost starting to think I was gay or bisexual. But it was probably an effect of being de-wired... Without a sexual brain, men and women appear the same. So relatively speaking, men appear more attractive to you than before. Which fucking scared the shit out of me.

Should probably be writing this in my own journal.. So yeah, keep it up, and you'll be surprised how easy it'll get. Instead of fighting the urges, you'll almost want the urges to come back. That's my battle right now.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: phoenix0015 on October 14, 2017, 11:04:47 PM
Hello Orbiter,

I can relate with your struggle as I am going to through similar situation.

But only not PMOing will motel work as we need to understand ABSTINENCE IS NOT RECOVERY.

So we can have 300 PMO free days and still not recover unless we change the way we think and live.

There is an excellent post on YBR about this, please read it. Here is the link.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/#post-272668

So many a times, PMO is only part of a problem or even just a symptom.

So make this journey about making yourself and your life better rather than just having PMO free days.

Exercise and meditation helps a lot so try to include them as much possible in your daily routine.
I am trying to do the same.

And wish you and all the friends here all the best.

I also use with persistence and each others help, we will be able to get rid of this bad habit and make our lives better.

Smiles,

Phoenix
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 15, 2017, 05:56:54 AM
Thank you for the fantastic posts and showings of support Reality, Anhaedra & Phoenix. I shall endeavor to do the same in return. Lots of great points that I will have to address in a future post as it is getting late and I should turn the computer off for the night.

DAY 1

It is disappointing & embarrassing to come on here and say this but for accountability's sake I must. While everything mostly went as planned and I had a great, productive, restorative weekend, I also relapsed yesterday and the day before. Both times I have done what I can to bounce back and not become too discouraged. Both times were during the day (which is unusual for me). I couldn't really think of any reason it happened other than I perhaps got too sure of myself and slipped into a relapse. The following day being the usual 'chaser'.

I have kept myself busy with exercise, catching up on creative pursuits and spending time with friends as planned. A combination of this, healthy eating and getting enough rest has helped me somewhat bounce back. Other than that, not much that can be done now except get back on the wagon, look out over the new few days and endeavor to do better this week.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on October 15, 2017, 01:57:25 PM
At least for me, exercising and nutrition are key to better self-control and discipline, yet for anyone I guess, they can act as an apt substitute for porn or masturbation. Like I wrote several times in my own journal, my porn use decreased noticeably before I even heard of rebooting, and it coincided with going to the gym and eating healthy. You'll feel much better about yourself, which I think for most of us, weeds out the most deeply rooted source of porn addiction -- self-loathing and depression.

Also, it releases neurochemicals that make you feel good, just like porn, and you'll have a new hobby that can take A LOT of your time if you get serious about it, so you'll have less time and energy to practice or even think about PMO.

(And by going to the gym I mean lifting weights. Treadmills are pretty useless.)

(And by eating healthy I mean more protein and healthy fats, less carbs, and zero fast carbs. Which boils down to unprocessed foods, basically.)
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on October 25, 2017, 02:57:32 AM
DAY 3

Several relapses over the previous week. The relapses were super compulsive in nature and deeply unsatisfying of course! I attribute it mostly to not handling some stressful work situations as well as I could have as well as a weekend that I was partying perhaps a bit too hard for someone on their guard not to relapse. I have been clean this week and I am hereby recommitting myself to recovery.

On a more positive note, I have managed to reconnect with some friends over the past two weeks. I think I have always taken for granted maintaining my friendships and social connections. I believe as we get older, it will require more effort and consideration to maintain these connections. It also protects someone recovering from this addiction from being isolated and I think that living among others and making these connections is an important part of recovering.

I have also maintained my diet and exercise throughout. As a result, not only do I feel more physically resilient but mentally and emotionally as well. One by one, I hope to start substituting pornography and the dependency on it as a coping mechanism with more positive things in my life. I think my life, and frame of mind in general, need to go such changes if I am to make any progress.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: RealityCheck on October 26, 2017, 09:20:37 AM
Love your last post, Orbiter.  I think that being aware as to WHY we look to porn is essential to overcome it. 
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 21, 2018, 03:15:12 AM
SINCE I LAST POSTED:

* First made lots of progress with exercise, socializing & confidence.

* Discovered 'gooning' and online porn & edging communities.

* Feel deeper into porn addiction than I ever have in my life.

* Hopelessly addicted & engaging in shameful, depraved edging sessions for literally hours.

* Gave up on ever being free or being in a relationship ever again.

* Things began to turn around with a positive and social Christmas & New Year holiday

* Got my first girlfriend in almost ten years two weeks later

* Spend almost every day together & fall head over heels for eachother

* ED first two times having sex which slowly improves over a month

* Look at almost no porn in this time

* Lots of sex with strong erections but almost impossible to cum

* Girlfriend is upset but after talking agree to work through this together

* Relapse two days ago

* Have sex with girlfriend next day. Go soft inside her. She is devastated

* Relapse again today. Feel terrible, frustrated, guilty.

* Recommitting to reboot process from now!

Day 0

More to come soon...
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 22, 2018, 05:00:33 PM
DAY 2

Day 1 was busy and tiring, therefore urges or chaser effect was minimal to non-existent.

Until the end of last year I was keeping up a regular exercise schedule that I feel the need to restart again. I also feel like my mental health, libido, focus and energy were far better during this period then they are now.

Woke up this morning with strong morning wood that must've lasted for close to 30 mins. This is has been happening more often lately that i've been 'rewiring' with my new girlfriend and while it doesn't mean much, it still feels good to know that, at least physiologically speaking, everything still works.

I'll do my best to make today a positive one.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 23, 2018, 11:30:34 PM
DAY 3

Exercised yesterday, it felt good to get back into it. I went out for drinks later that day with an old friend who was visiting from overseas.

Very hungover today with little to no libido.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 24, 2018, 09:35:03 AM
Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 26, 2018, 12:30:38 AM
Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!


Hey thanks so much for dropping by chiefmitch88. All wise words and good recommendations. I read The Slight Edge 3 or 4 years ago, it's fantastic and i'd actually entirely forgotten about it so thank you for reminding me. I haven't read Breaking the Cycle but I shall have to check it out.

DAY 5

Asexual, dead dick, tired, over it! That's today and yesterday as well. I attempted sex with my girlfriend 3 times over the weekend. First time I went soft in her almost instantly. Second time I remained hard but abstained from PIV and stuck to oral, could not cum. Third time I felt completely asexual and uninterested, no response downstairs whatesoever. She has been so understanding about it and said several times we can work through it together, but I know it hurts her and I just hope I can even return to having erections again. It's so disturbing personally to be with her and suddenly feel no sexual desire at all.

Alas I think I may have fallen into a flatline. If it weren't for my girlfriend, it would be a relief to not feel constant urges and sexual frustration for a change. Also I feel stressed and exhausted from work and other dramas in life. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep for the next 3 weeks.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 26, 2018, 11:51:48 PM
DAY 6

Tired, frustrated, nothing downstairs. Seeing GF tonight.

Wish me luck!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 27, 2018, 11:40:28 PM
DAY 7

Last night was very uneventful, I was too tired to really do anything so we made dinner and watched some Netflix instead. My libido feels like it's beginning to return but I feel that it may be merely urges for porn. I must stay away, for her and for myself!

I have restarted my exercise routine and, if nothing else, it has been a welcome boost for my mood, discipline and self esteem. I will avoid using the computer tonight as I can feel the urges rising and I cannot afford to relapse again. Luckily I have many other activities to occupy myself with this evening and I have cut down my computer & internet time considerably since being in a relationship. I still feel a bit down about everything but there has been a lot of personal demons I have had to face over the last few weeks and I should be kinder to myself about feeling exhausted from it.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on February 28, 2018, 06:05:41 PM
DAY 8

I think this is the longest I have been without porn in at least three years...which is a depressing thought but also a nice milestone to pass. Some mild urges this morning but my resolve has not waned. It's easy to relapse again and again when you feel like you have nothing to lose, which I guess is the vicious cycle that porn addiction leads us all towards.

Still little to no interest in sex, it's like I feel completely exhausted with it. I suppose masturbating to hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography, for hours at a time, over several years will do that to a person. It really is the most depressing, empty habit. It hollows us from the inside out. I wish that I had been able to put more effort last year before things got so desperately bad. Then at least my poor GF wouldn't have to share the burden of this as well. Hopefully it is not too late.

Must stay strong!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 02, 2018, 02:34:48 AM
DAY 9

The first wave of serious temptation hit me today. I was tired, I woke up in a bad mood, I was sporting erections all through the morning, my GF wasn't answering her phone even though we were supposed to meet up and I felt the familiar pull towards the computer with the usual rationalizations going through my head. But I did not cave in, instead I pushed through with my exercise and steered my thoughts in a positive direction throughout the day. The urge subsided and I am still clean!

I can't remember the last time I was nine days clean of pornography. I know better than to rest on my laurels as this is far from the last time I will have to face days like this, but I can't help but feel a little proud of myself. I know numbers are not all that important, but it's nice to say that i'm one more night from the double digits of being clean.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 06, 2018, 04:08:23 AM
DAY 13

It's amazing how even when you do not consciously feel the urge, habits have a way of creeping back when you least suspect it. As I was typing in my username to log into here, I began typing in the username of a reddit account I used for porn automatically and stopped myself halfway through. The addiction is deceptive, bad habits die hard and will often strike in the most unexpected of ways!

Last weekend I had sex with my GF where I managed to cum twice out of several times and managed to sustain a workable erection. I still clearly have a long way to go but it is an encouraging sign that I am able to do this when I was literally barely able to maintain an erection with her just under two weeks ago when I relapsed. I am unfortunately also coming down with a cold at the moment but my mood is ok. My mind has focused on other things and the withdrawals have not hit me as hard as I thought they might. I have decided it is okay to ejaculate PIV with my girlfriend as I feel it is beneficial to my rewiring, being able to sexual connect with others and weaken the emotional grip that porn has on me.

I am feeling cautious but encouraged so far.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 09, 2018, 07:57:29 PM
DAY 17

Mood has dropped over the previous few days. Libido is quite low and I have been having sex with mixed success. Urges for porn have been minimal but I have been noticing I have been slightly missing porn, or perhaps more specifically the instant sexual gratification and lack of pressure and/or necessary effort that comes with porn. I also still feel a very long way away from being attracted to real people in the same way I am to porn. Of course all this is totally normal with giving up a habit like porn, and the sad reality is recovery is both non-linear and not a process that will happen overnight. We just have to persevere.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 12, 2018, 03:07:40 AM
DAY 20

Spent the weekend with my GF. Slowly but gradually, I seem to be gaining more consistency and strength in my erections during sex. I am still having mixed success though, but the signs are indeed quite reassuring. Porn urges are coming on very strong at the moment, I think I will need to avoid the internet for the rest of the day if I am to stay clean.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 12, 2018, 04:52:41 AM
...to DAY 0

Relapsed. Watched porn for 2 1/2 hours but did not masturbate.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 13, 2018, 05:48:57 AM
DAY 1

Argh! PMOed for 10 minutes max last night as I was worried I would later in the week if I didn't. Found myself starting to peek as soon as I turned on the computer but quickly stopped myself. Not in a good state right now.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 14, 2018, 03:46:31 AM
DAY 0

Can't stop!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 16, 2018, 01:27:11 AM
DAY 2

Finding it so hard to stay away from porn at the moment. I went from zero urges to urges basically every time I am near a computer. I have been finding myself peeking and then stopping myself, I know it only makes things worse and I may need to stay away from the computer for several days until I can get my urges back under control.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 16, 2018, 10:32:40 AM
I'm around day 7 myself, on attempt number...who knows. I originally found out about this issue and solution to it back in 2016. Since then I have started and stopped more times than I can remember.

I'd slip, I'd peek, I'd do more than peek...then I'd feel like shit and tell myself "Ok no more. Never again." And it would last a week at most before I'd peek again and fall back into old habits.

I am just trying to stay focused on work and other ways to be productive and avoid temptations and triggers. I used to spend about an hour a day playing GTA 5 on my PS4, and I have even cut that out because of certain aspects of it that had caused me to slip in the past. If I feel something else tempting me, I make a conscious decision to say 'no' and stop myself from even going there in my head.

This is all easier said than done, especially only about a week in at this point, but the best thing you can do is come post here when you are feeling tempted. I haven't had a real moment of weakness yet, but I'm sure it is coming, and I plan to do exactly that when that time comes. Even if it's just posting to post and getting no responses, it will get it off my chest and hopefully refocus me on what's important.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on March 19, 2018, 04:06:23 AM
Hey thanks for the advice and support JasonGuitar. Sounds like you're making some great progress at the moment!

Made it to day 5 and in a moment relapsed so I am now back to...

DAY 0
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 05, 2019, 11:21:22 PM
DAY 6

And i'm back. The previous year has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, it is difficult to know where to begin. My relationship ended a few months ago when she had admitted one week before Christmas she had slept with one of her co-workers. I broke up with her almost immediately on the spot. After a very emotionally messy three months of missing eachother, discussing things back an forth and hooking up once for several minutes of empty, soul-crushing sex, she admitted to me recently that after we broke up, she had almost immediately moved in with her co-worker and began a relationship.

They have been living together for over three months now and I find myself once again on my own.

Apart from some quite severe mental health issues and personality differences that became apparent, sex became problematic. After the last time I posted, I managed to keep my porn usage down to once every two or so weeks. Everytime I relapsed, the effects were apparent (difficulty ejaculating and/or losing erections halfway through) but I seemed to sufficiently recover from this after a few days to the point I could have sex with a functional (if not rock solid) erection.

Due to the wait, I began to avoid sex at times I did not feel confident. She expressed an interest in violent, rough sex (hard choking, slapping, cutting, bruising etc.) that I did not feel comfortable engaging in due to personal choice and finding out she had tendencies to self harm (I unfortunately found out her new partner enjoys having this sort of sex with her, I try not to think about it as the mental image tears me up inside).

She would also forget to take contraception often enough that it was no longer effective and would suggest halfway through sex coming and using the morning after pill. This was the real clincher as I did not feel comfortable or safe having sex with her anymore. We tried the condoms a few times but she said she hated the feeling and I could not cum or maintain an erection with them when we tried. We also tried the calendar method and the pull out method on occasion.

It's quite horrifying to me reading this all back. You might say I dodged a bullet but I don't exactly feel like I came out unscathed.

I began turning down sex and resorting more and more to porn as an outlet and to escape the situation I was in (I should have mentioned we were living together). My erections became weaker and weaker and I began to slip back into old habits. The last time we engaged in any sexual activity, I could only manage a fairly feeble semi-erection.

Soooo fast forward to today. About a week ago, after PMOing eight times over two days. I found myself facing the working week feeling tired, miserable, hurt, lost and hopeless. I have felt like this all year and I struggle to even get through the basic tasks of the day I need to do.

I have made a commitment that this month I am going to focus on myself which means that...

* I will not PMO this month

* I will make a priority to eat healthy and maintain regular sleeping hours

* I will abstain from Alcohol or any other drug that drains my energy, motivation, mood, willpower or judgement

* I will begin to excercise again

* I will focus on what I need to do to get my life back on track to somewhere I would like it to be. That way I can truly move forward from this.

As I said before, this is day 6. I am back and I intend to stay strong to my commitment.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 06, 2019, 03:03:24 PM
DAY 7

So much for the regular hours of sleep. It's very early over in the morning here, I made it to sleep only a few hours ago and I am sitting here wide awake. Perhaps I am not used to the energy that comes from being clean this many days or perhaps I simply have too much on my mind thinking about the break-up. I worry about being awake at these hours as improper sleep is not good for willpower. I don't want to face any temptations with my guard down.

Usually at day 7, my libido sky-rockets but I am feeling strangely asexual. The thought of sex, hooking up or PMO is something that seems so unappealing at the moment. Porn feels no different. Anytime my mind drifts to it, I start thinking about the ex or about the sex that other people are having which is enough to kill the mood. I feel exhausted thinking about sex & porn, perhaps I am.

All this said, I can't let my guard down. This addiction has a way of creeping up in all of us in ways we don't expect. I need to stay vigilant.

 A morning jog might be the answer perhaps?

Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 07, 2019, 05:10:31 AM
DAY 7 - Continued

So today worked out well in the end. I went for that morning jog, had a healthy breakfast and got my weekend chores done. In the afternoon I had a BBQ with my father and watched a movie together. Some faint urges in the morning but I dealt with them quite easily. Good day.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 09, 2019, 05:40:56 AM
DAY 9

THE BAD
Withdrawals & temptations are slowly beginning to creep into my thoughts. They are not as outright difficult to manage this time around but they are present and I would be deceiving myself to say that they aren't a danger. I have had some strange sexual dreams, one last night involved a co-worker I often work together with, a stranger out on a ladies night with some friends and finally relapsing to porn. I woke up relieved it was only a dream and pushed it from my mind.

I feel at this point I will need to become more careful around the computer. This will mean shutting it off after a certain time during the evening. I tried blockers at the end of last year but they do not seem to help anymore. They were a great help years ago when I completed my longest reboot (78 days I think...) but lately I always seem to bypass them with the usual trembling hands & fast-beating heart after a few days. I think the answer forward is making sure to browse mindfully as another rebooter suggested. This means going on the internet with a clear purpose of what you need to do and logging off after. It's a perspective i've somehow never even thought of up until now.

THE GOOD
I have no strong urges which has made this process much easier. I would say i've been in a flatline for the whole period of this reboot so far except for some morning wood here and there. The break from being bombarded with sexual imagery and thoughts is welcome. It also means I can more easily escape being stuck thinking about memories of my ex and the way things ended. Day 4-8 was honestly quite mellow unlike other times where it can seem almost impossible to avoid porn or dwelling on sexual thoughts.

This does not however mean I am underestimating the difficulty of this. I am a far way away from being in the clear at this early stage.

The second big positive is I have so much more energy than I have in such a long time. I have been able to manage some very stressful situations at work over the last two days with a level of focus, energy & positivity I had almost completely forgotten I was capable of experiencing. I was thinking about it before and actually began panicking at the thought of losing this to relapsing. I reconciled the thoughts in my head and pushed forward. Anxiety & doubt are one of the worst emotions that one can dwell on in this process.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 09, 2019, 05:42:54 AM
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” - Frank Herbert, Dune
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 10, 2019, 05:13:20 AM
DAY 10

Mood & energy are quite low today for no particular reason. I usually find this can happen around this point in a reboot. I feel like I am
beginning to enter a deep flatline. Not much else to report.

On the brightside though, I made it to the double-digits! Woohoo it's been awhile.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: KittyHawk on April 10, 2019, 05:46:54 PM
Good job, Orbiter.
Mood swings are part of our journey. I have days when I feel said, angry or scared for no reason. But if I stay clean, It goes back to normal pretty fast. Don’t worry about the asexuality/flatline. I experimented with it many times (as I shouldn’t) and I know for sure your libido is there, just sandbagged and ready to be awaken again at any point you might need it for a real sex.

Keep rolling and stay couple days ahead of me!

PS: Dune is one of my two favorite books. The second one is Ender’s Game (don’t judge it by the movie)  ;)
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 13, 2019, 07:43:18 AM
DAY 13...

to DAY 0

Relapsed twice today. Peeking in the early hours of the morning and despite on-and-off resisting the urge for most of the day, I did not make it.

Feeling very tired. I am going to sleep on this and mentally reflect & regroup tomorrow. I can still stay clean the rest of April.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Greenzebra on April 13, 2019, 01:29:59 PM
Thanks for sharing.

You can do it... we all deserve to believe in ourselves. Support is number 1!
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 13, 2019, 05:45:03 PM
You're absolutely right Greenzebra. Thanks for dropping by and thanks for your support. We all need a bit extra sometimes.

KittyHawk - I've never read Enders Game but from what I can tell reading about it, sounds like something right up my alley. I'll be sure to check it out!

When I can focus myself to actually read, i've been enjoying a lot of Sci-Fi recently. Lot's of Phillip K Dick short stories and a couple of William Gibson novels but the more the merrier.

DAY 1

What happened yesterday? Well I think there were a few factors. A big one was that my ex texted me a few days ago saying she wanted to catch up and discuss picking up the last of her items. I did not respond for a few days because I did not know what to say or if I was ready...I also just didn't want to talk to her. Also, the day before I started coming down with a cold. I was very stressed over that as I have a difficult work week coming up. Also that difficult work week.

I couldn't sleep one night and I found myself without even thinking about it trawling through some private massage ads  with the pictures turned off (must remember next time: mindful not mindless browsing and no phones in bed...I should know better by now!). The words and language triggered me anyway and soon the pictures were turned back on. I found someone who looked eerily like my ex (the face was blurred out). From then I spend the next six hours on-and-off obsessively checking the ad and searching for others, being triggered by more and more pictures as I kept going. Fast forward hours of this and after fighting the urge, I finally relapsed.

I relapsed later that evening as well (chaser effect I suppose).

I also had a dream that night I was looking through escort ads and found my ex in various stages of nudity with another man. I also had a very disturbing dream involving an actress I am a big fan of. It's pretty insane that two fairly mundane relapses have such an impact on the psyche.

Still...

I am committed to at least spending the rest of April PMO-free. A goal I think is achievable and I at this stage would be quite satisfied with. I have in the past had a strict all-or-nothing attitude, and I think that has in hindsight hindered a lot of long term progress that I could have otherwise made in my recovery.

I woke up this morning from bad dreams, I immediately made myself a nice breakfast & coffee, checked through emails & messages plus updated here. I may have another rest for an hour or so as I still don't feel one hundred percent. Time to steer my way through and out of this.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 16, 2019, 06:47:18 AM
DAY 3

Feels like i'm getting back on track now. It hasn't been difficult so far as i've been too busy & tired to consider anything beyond work, sleep, food and getting some things done around the home. There's just over two weeks to go until the end of April and i'm keeping my aim to make it through with no further relapses.

No activity downstairs since the relapse. I think I am still a bit sick so my energy is quite low. No thoughts or temptations so far. My ex will be coming over tomorrow to finally discuss moving the last of her belongs out. I'm a little bit nervous about it but not overthinking it. It's something that has to be done sooner or later.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 17, 2019, 07:02:52 AM
DAY 4

Tired. Terrible headache. Early night.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 21, 2019, 03:54:59 AM
DAY 1

The last few days I have been bedridden. I don't think i've been this sick in over a decade. I fell twice on the first day trying to make it to the kitchen because I wasn't strong enough to stand. I have a chest infection, what feels like a cold and that headache I mentioned earlier became a migrane that lasted for three days straight!

I suppose it's a reminder that I need to seriously begin addressing my health once I get better. A combination of less-than-great diet, bad sleeping patterns, no exercise and smoking & drinking way too much over the previous year have all contributed to this i'm sure.

The ex cancelled catching up at the last minute. Slightly annoying at the short notice but otherwise not having to see her was somewhat of a relief.

Since I have been sick, I have been able to cut down my cigarette intake from 15-20 to 4 a day, which two or three weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do. I also haven't touched a drop of alcohol this month. I have been eating much better but my appetite has gone down the last few days + I have been too sick to make to down to the store. No more exercise since that last month due to being busy and sick, which has been disappointing.

Speaking of disappointing, I relapsed twice while i've been sick. I actually had no desire to and found it difficult to get aroused to any pornography. I only relapsed because I thought I could sleep better after.

Feeling a bit down about everything at the moment. It feels like almost everytime I make some committment like this, I get sick or some utterly overwhelming situation in life occurs one or two weeks in.

Did I mention this is happening while i'm on a scheduled week holiday from work...
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on April 23, 2019, 06:35:31 AM
DAY 3

Still sick. No urges or relapses though.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: Orbiter on May 12, 2019, 07:45:04 AM
DAY 0

Okay so an update is long overdue. When I was sick I relapsed a few times and from there I have fallen back into bad old habits. I haven't been PMOing during the working week because I have been too busy & tired to want to. The weekends however are different, I have been relapsing an average 3 to 5 times.

The reality is I know what to do to get myself out of this rut. I simply need to do it. Motivation is difficult at the moment though and i'm going through bad states of mind where I periodically give up on everything.
Title: Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
Post by: anhaedra on June 04, 2019, 04:19:04 AM
Hey Orbiter, remember me? Recently got back to this forum, check my thread.

Let me know if I can be of any help, man.