Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: gazz on November 27, 2016, 05:44:53 AM

Title: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on November 27, 2016, 05:44:53 AM
P addict for 10 years and I’ve hit one of those rock bottom moments where I feel I have to do something about it. My health is suffering as I choose P over exercise. I’ve screwed up areas of my life as I hide in a room and M whenever a challenge arises. This month I screwed up a work opportunity because I spent all my time watching P. This was really a wakeup call. I didn’t realise how big a problem it was. I just thought, yes, this is a problem, but it won’t be part of my life in the future. But here I am, 10 years later (you could call it my anniversary  :o), and 36 y/o. Flipping hell. So here I am, determined that today is day 1 of the rest of my life without P.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: ipamn on November 28, 2016, 06:45:06 AM
good luck!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 09, 2016, 06:25:49 AM
Time for an update. It's been a week of no PMO/ MO. It was easy enough. Getting started usually is - all that enthusiasm and motivation after hitting that rock bottom moment that made you want to do the reboot. a couple of days since, i'm feeling so so tired - could hardly move yesterday, not much interest in anything, a heavy depression, and even despair. I'm not going to overthink all these negative feelings - I'll just let them pass. I'm giving up porn - a mood balancer I've been using for 10 years, so this isn't surprising. Been reading NP stuff on the internet, and loads of stuff in this forum - it's a good place to be. Coming out of the porn watching world, it's good to have another go-to place. so many people here going through the same thing, it's a perfect place to spend my time.

I realise I don't go out much. home life with wife is very comfortable. I want to change this and see friends more - though Christmas is a busy season for everyone and I might have to wait a while on that front.

Had a strong urge yesterday and I would have relapsed but I had Freedom - an internet blocker - on. porn blockers are all very well, but i'm a ninja at getting round them. Freedom blocks the internet altogether. I read an article about how turning the internet off like this is a healthy thing. it's true, internet is a distraction, and we internet surf without a goal a lot of the time. if you don't use the internet most of the time, you can note down what you want to do when you are online. I read that when we don't have a precise internet goal and surf aimlessly, that's when we can start floating into trigger happy parts of the web. So when I was ready to relapse yesterday, the internet was OFF, there was nothing I could do, and the feeling passed. eventually. I have to be so diligent with this.

as for the low feelings, I'm focused on gratitude for basic positives in my life - food, shelter, love. Life really is as simple as that. feeling better already. didn't think I had anything to say, but turned into a bit of a rant!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 14, 2016, 09:38:34 AM
Two weeks! (of hell  :o) of no PMO

I remind myself, a reason I’m giving up porn is the emotions it makes me feel. This passage sums it up perfectly: ‘leaves you feeling empty and worthless, porn blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating the subtleties of life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the porn trance, feeling exhausted and miserable, your self esteem destroyed.’

I’m enjoying the nofap academy videos and posting in this forum daily – a go-to place (2 go-to places!). 1 nofap video talks about learning from relapses, not despairing over them. I have despaired at relapse. How can I succeed at something I always fail at? His advice is to change the method every time, cos if you failed last time, you’ll fail next time if you make no changes. So see relapse as part of the journey, seeing how you failed and making the necessary adjustments until you can achieve the perfect 90.

Mood is low. Filled my day yesterday with meaningful things and activities. An hour before I usually go to bed, I just got a sinking feeling, so I went to bed. Ride through the lows. Tomorrow's another day.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 17, 2016, 07:58:52 AM
*&^%!!!

Relapsed after a couple of weeks sobriety. I won't go into the self hating platitudes - but not feeling great about myself to say the least.

It's tempting, but I won't think of this as a cycle, but a process. I'm in a better place and condition than I was 5 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago... I am improving, and I am ready to complete the hard90 and have that be the start of my PMO free lifestyle.

I will learn from the relapse.

What were the triggers and what are the changes I'm going to make?

1. Plan time and be doing things. I love me time - with nothing to do. ironically, I then get bored and am prone to relapse. I probably loved me-time so much in the past because that's when I was able to indulge in my favourite dopamine-high hobby. I need to create a schedule of productive things and fun things. if I'm not resting, I need to be doing.

2. Location. Starting my 'blissful' day of doing nothing in bed with my laptop. I love staying a warm bed (my flat doesn't have great heating), and doing some work/ errands/ faffing, before I get up. I ended up watching porn. new rule, No laptop in bed ever. The couch is a prone place too, couch rule - a time limit and a specific to do list for using laptop on the couch; otherwise I will only use my laptop at a work table.

3. And a 3rd rule. More Will. Look deep within myself. I have a lot of tools (like porn blockers), I've learned a lot and have met a lot of supportive folk on this forum, it is time to use some of my own will! I took some information a little too much to heart recently: I heard it said that we can't stop watching porn on will power alone, because we have a finite amount of it. it will work when we're feeling motivated shortly after a relapse, but on a bad day, it won't be there. Right, I thought, I am helpless, I need to make all outside influences work for me, because I am helpless. I have absolutely no will. I will rationize, I will do what's comfortable, I will probably do whatever I feel like in the moment. it's time for more effort, more fight, more will, and to get all of these things in my arsenal working for the same team.

I always tend to put emphasis in learning more and more, more hacks, more info, another ebook or forum post (perhaps in life as well as in this addiction struggle) - but it's all repeating pretty much the same thing. I know what I need to know. school is out. The boy has to become a man.

Goal as of now? Make the rest of today the 1st half day of my hard90. Start creating schedules, and write out what i'll do/ read, when urges come up.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 21, 2016, 08:53:20 AM
Day 1 completed and feeling good about being one of the team again : ) I did some meaningful work yesterday, and feel good about life, but to read my journal from just a couple of days ago I felt so different. But I hardly remember that feeling now. Shows what a rollercoaster ride this is.

Despite the relapse, I feel my previous streak has given me lots of positivity, and I feel I'm getting more and more able to deal with whatever gets in my way of the achieving the hard90 and indefinite sobriety. I was down about a few things and relapse seemed like a good way out. obviously I didn't feel any better after relapse, and eventually I had to simply accept and wait for the down bad feelings to pass. I now know that's what I should have done in the first place.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on December 22, 2016, 05:05:33 AM
Hey Gazz, good move not having the laptop in the bedroom, that's an instant trigger removal right there. The only electronics I have in my bedroom is a mega basic alarm clock. I haven't had my phone in my bedroom for a long time now, that's helped a lot.

It's also good that you can learn from your previous efforts. The end of the relapse is when you decided to watch porn. It's what you did leading up to that moment is what you need to change so you don't get there again.

Keep going at it, keep posting and keep your head up. You've got this.  :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 22, 2016, 11:30:50 AM
Thanks Mikel!

Yep, location and being strict with myself and these small rules has been huge.

They say 2 sides of an argument can be true, and I think that's true of times that lead up to relapse. sometimes there is no lead up for me. I can be feeling great, I can be in a streak and feeling good about that, then suddenly i'm left alone and I have an opportunity. trigger and an urge out of nowhere! so discipline, will, and not getting too self confidant will be important.

I feel great at the moment, like this whole thing is easy. why would I do something that makes me feel so awful? Past relapses show,  that can change in a second.

Day 2 is done :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 24, 2016, 09:24:04 AM
Day 4 is done. Thought it was 3 til I looked at the date of my last entry. Good sign if I'm losing count of days :) Going to be busy over Christmas for a c0uple of days without much computer or opportunity. So should get to a week soon. Really looking forward to that. me a year ago would never imagine doing a week clean. Now I can do it with relative ease. (yes, I just watched a no fap academy video about seeing your progress)

Just as I was feeling good about myself, I felt a mental fantasy happening in my head earlier, trying to pull me into a fun period of fantasising. chemicals started buzzing. But I'm back, thinking of wholesome things!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on December 26, 2016, 05:37:02 AM
Alright Gazz and merry christmas.

A week is a good grounding in recovery. Keep doing what you're doing and you will get there. Yeah it's good to expel fantasies as soons as possible as lingering on them can cause some discomfort.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 27, 2016, 05:50:15 AM
One week done. Feels great. Am loving the no fap academy vids. I've signed up to their newsletter and am getting videos at the moment about 'Mindset Mastery'. The idea that 90 days of not thinking about 90 days of rebooting as a horrible period of slogging, but knowing with every urge you are getting stronger and making your life more awesome... something like that.

and I've been using this video from them as a guided meditation to overcome urges. 'urges are misplaced energy'... which has been a really helpful tool in the moment when scenes are starting to flash in my head and the thought of relapsing makes those chemicals start to buzz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM

So many threads to read on this forum and so many links and resources to go down a rabbit hole of tips and ideas about avoiding urges. Has been a great place to go instead of porn village - which ends up in pain and screw ups.

It's day 8, looking forward to that 2 week miles stone : )
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on December 27, 2016, 10:03:57 AM
One week down. Nice one son..  8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 28, 2016, 01:48:21 PM
Cheers!

Day 8 done! :)

Such a positive thing to be on this journey. Though part of me wanted to relapse so much today. I was in a social situation - talking with very close friends actually. I thought, 'being social is tough, I would love to be alone and relapse. I may have the opportunity later actually. Then I'd be relaxed and comfortingly disconnected from work, people, and all the inconveniences of the real world.' I remembered I had my P blocks on, and thought, hmmm, at least I can indulge in some nasty fast food? I ended up doing neither.

I know I have to succeed in this endeavour. to be relaxing with friends and to find it so difficult? talk about a guy who has ruined his reward circuitry. I also had the beginnings of sexual fantasies running through my head which I was half indulging, mostly fighting off, while people were talking to me. Boy - this isn't right. relapsing is not an option because I am in a war over my own brain!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xankab on December 28, 2016, 03:19:59 PM
Great to hear that you fought off the urge to relapse!

to be relaxing with friends and to find it so difficult? talk about a guy who has ruined his reward circuitry.


Don't be too hard on yourself, gazz! Not everybody is the same, and not everyone is a wild extrovert. I recently read the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain, and found it explained a lot about me and my love of solitude. This need not have been caused by P, although I suppose P could provide an easy escape hatch and an escape from people...

Keep at it, this journey is worth it.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on December 29, 2016, 11:06:13 AM
Hola Gazz.

I'm gonna second what xankab said and don't worry about it. Sometimes I find it difficult in friends company, especially if there's a lot of people there. I just like sitting down with a cup of tea in my own flat and try not to concern myself with situations like that. Not that I'm a recluse, I think I'm just used to my own company. Saying that though, I can socialise, although I am very picky on who with and where. I actually like that about myself.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 29, 2016, 05:11:19 PM
Cheers Xancab and Mikel - I never thought of it that way. Will check out the book. Being an introvert - social time is tiring and I do need to be alone to energize. but wanting to be alone for years so I could PMO makes everything blurred. I was selfish to spend so much time PMO'ing, and PMO'ing has made me selfish. I want to engage more and balance my 'give and take' better on this journey. And yes, as we get older, we get more fussy. When we young, it's a case of, 'You like going to the pub? So do I! Best friends forever!'

Day 9 is done!! 8)

Day 10 has been challenging   ???

Getting home and wife not being in –a trigger

Tired and cold after finishing work – a trigger

Being good natured toward people without really feeling it – a trigger

I was so tense and pulsing with urges.

I listened to the no fap meditation about feeling your urge, seeing where it is in your body, and letting it go. I realised I was cold and tired, and tense – sensations I always used PMO to help with

I put on my favourite mellow music and had a hot bath and it seems to have done the trick.

Also. Had ridiculous fantasies that wanted to play out in my mind with every single woman I met today. Further proof to myself that this is a change that really needs to be made in my life! hope I can train my brain out of this chronic ‘habit’

Day 10 will be a milestone – so will be very happy when it’s in the bag. Really hope I feel differently 3 months  from now
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on December 31, 2016, 06:14:15 AM
When we young, it's a case of, 'You like going to the pub? So do I! Best friends forever!'

Had to laugh at this, so true. There was a period in my life where all that mattered to me was going to the pub and drinking.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on December 31, 2016, 07:40:03 AM
Congrats. Writing things everything down is very good.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on December 31, 2016, 09:02:36 AM
Cheers guys :) Going to the pub these days just makes me sleepy and gives me a hoarse voice  :o

Day 10 and 11 in the bag!

Feeling exhausted. Looking forward to energy levels going up as I get out of the cycle and engage more with real life. There's a no fap academy video where Mark talks about sobriety and fatigue. He says we use PMO as part of our lifestyle so our energy is tied in with it. I definitely used PMO to give me adrenaline and to relax. So we're rebooting our energy levels, so expect to be slightly comatose.

Yep, everything seems a bit boring, but that's life after coming out of a 10 year porn trance for you. I visualise life after rebooting, and am looking forward to getting there.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 01, 2017, 06:32:40 AM
Day 12 in the bag!  :D Nearly at the 2 week mark. Come on!

In a good place at the moment. You can probably tell from the above. There are uncomfortable urges, but relapse wasn't so long ago, so I can remember easily what it is like to feel hopeless and depressed, and it's easy to see that the high of being on a streak plus uncomfortable urges is so much better than a dopamine high porn indulgence and all the shit that comes with it.

When I'm out there in the world, it seems to me i'm thinking about sex and porn nearly 100% of the time. Goodness, I hope rebooting will balance me out.

perhaps I can feel a little shift. recently, all kinds of sex fantasies would fly through my head. yesterday, with some of them, I would think - hold on, isn't that a bit immature and ridiculous? progress!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 02, 2017, 07:56:00 AM
Yeah that is progress Gazz. Recognising the thought and dealing with it pronto. Glad to hear you're in a good space man, enjoy those times.
Also, I'm gonna look up the no fap meditation thing you've mentioned. Sounds like a good tool.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 02, 2017, 04:08:47 PM
a couple of images in my mind have been pulling me in to the thought of relapsing. I read a term a today: ‘reboot apathy’. That’s what that is. After a relapse ,we feel terrible, and we feel trapped... we feel very motivated to reboot. 2 weeks of sobriety, and images are popping inside your head, that’s when you have to remember how bad it feels. We have to kick apathy in the head!

bit of a low today – a couple of life problems, and the grey cold weather... Really felt like relapsing. There’s a moment where I’m on the cusp of deciding to do so. Then I start planning on how I’m going to get around porn blocks. I managed to stop the growing urge. I’m getting better at thinking – P isn’t a relief from depression, it’s a momentary trance of chemical buzzing, then it’s feeling 50 times worse. Being accountable to the forum was a big motivator too! I distracted myself with some activities –even fell asleep reading- so maybe I was tired, as I dont sleep that great at the moment.

So day 13 in the bag. And hours away from the 2 week mark

I mentioned the word progress yesterday. 90 days is a long way off, but 2 weeks is amazing for me. There was a time I thought 2 weeks was an impossibility. if I can get this far, maybe I can keep progressing until I kick this addiction in the face for good

cheers Mikel - here's a link to the guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 03, 2017, 12:32:25 PM
2 weeks done! Next goal – getting another week under my belt.

I can feel a trigger without it being the end of the world. Wife leaves the house and I have lots to do – trigger. Feeling down and bored – trigger.

When you get to a place where you can see a trigger without having to act on it, it’s empowering. Again, accountability to this forum is huge.

Getting to the point where thoughts of / images/ scenes from P are a bit distant. I’ve been here before. After relapse and they’re fresh in your mind – that’s when you’re locked in the cycle and breaking out is hard. So though I feel some reboot apathy, I should remember I’ve come a long way from the low feelings after a relapse.

Sex with my wife for first time in 2 weeks. (wasn’t convenient for those 2 weeks for different reasons). Now sex is going to be part of the equation for the rest of this reboot attempt. This is tricky and has resulted in relapse in the past for me. I’ve read that dopamine is created through sex, and when we’re still in the porn cycle, the brain doesn’t see the difference between good (loving sex with wife) and bad (weird porn) sexual thoughts. Not great when you’re trying to drown the dopamine beast in the hard90. Nothing wrong with pure love making while you’re present with the partner though. Sadly I dont think I’m quite there yet.

Scenes did pop into my head, but I did my best to stay present.

I know I mention them a lot, but still going through all the no fap academy videos. Saw one yesterday about ‘sexual transmutation’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exmLbaJxQOI and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWuirte24Jo Cool stuff – kind of blew my mind. All this ‘sexual energy’, or for me, energy I used to nut my load watching P, can be used elsewhere. ‘Sexual energy is creative energy, and there’s so much of it, what we can achieve in sobriety is boundless.’

There is Vertical and Horizontal motivation. Vertical is pleasure and pain. We watch porn and try to get sex for pleasure, then realise we should stop watching porn because it brings us pain (and a continuous cycle I’ve been going through for years). We want sex and pleasure with the hot blonde who’s not nice to us. But dating her brings us pain and we run away.

Horizontal is love. So sex is part of your relationship with your partner. And the goal isn’t PLEASURE PLEASURE PLEASURE. But union. For every act, don't ask, is this pleasure/ avoiding pain. Ask, is this loving.

This makes sense to me, cos I finally see a way to get out of the slave-to-pleasure cycle I’ve been in all my life. you guys might have realised this when you were  in school. I’ve been a bit late catching up.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 07, 2017, 05:07:07 AM
Been away for a couple of days. I'm back - time to clock up the days... 18 in the bag! Pretty close to 20  ;D

On the one hand, I feel like my rational brain has a lot of power/ control. It's a lot easier to see an urge for what it is - an irrational urge to do something that is bad for me, that ruins my life and makes me feel terrible. But there's a voice ('a relapse would be great') that is never too far away. the beast doesn't have to continuously fight the rational brain, it can just hibernate and then finally jump up with a well timed urge... and one weak moment is all it takes. I use porn blocks - unlike a lot of strong willed people on the forum. I know I'd be useless without the blocks. Hope there's a day I don't need to use them.

Withdrawal symptoms:

Without being able to PMO away any/ every sexual tremor, I'm horny all the time. women innocently talk to me or walk by me, and my brain is desiring them, wanting to race off into sexual fantasy. Working hard to see people as people. But having given my brain a porn diet for 10 years then going cold turkey, it doesn't want to see things that way. I know i'm a good person and am confidant that after reboot, i'll be a human who sees all people respectfully.

Nothing much interests me. I feel uninspired and low. 'Why bother doing that?' 'I don't feel anything.' 'Everything is boring.' This is how life feels after 10 years in a porn trance. I don't feel this way all the time. I don't dwell on the crap feelings, I don't fight them either. I let them pass. I know I can get back my zest for life after rebooting. I generally know what a miracle it is to be alive, and how lucky I am in my life. So I'm looking forward to drowning the dopamine addict with 3 months of sobriety so I can feel grateful to be alive all the time.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 07, 2017, 09:59:02 AM
Glad everything's going great for you Gazz.

Yeah, you'll get that with the withdrawals, I'm the same. Sometimes ok, other times a bit low. Just need to push through those days and keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 07, 2017, 10:04:36 AM
Cheers Mikel,

Yeah, it's all temporary feelings that pass away. The brain tries to trick you into thinking you'll feel like this always and that life without porn is permanently grey. wish someone could have told me this ages ago!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 07, 2017, 10:09:58 AM
Indeed son. I'm feeling off today but I know it will pass. Just got to ride through it.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 08, 2017, 05:49:45 AM
19 days in the bag  ::)

Yep, I miss the dopamine rush. I don't miss the porn hangover. I'm enjoying a lot of things that I didn't enjoy/ didn't have time for when P was my main habit. Good books. Good music. Living in a relatively tidy flat. Getting a haircut and looking less scruffy  8)

Hit a bad mood in the evening yesterday and put myself to bed. No need to dwell on those moments we don't feel great. You could argue my new habits are a bit passive - sitting and listening to music I find on the web, and buying books on the web. I need to become less lazy on this journey. Haven't exercised much this new year.

One other very exciting thing... I wouldn't have thought of it but a couple of other members mentioned it. 1 1/2 years ago I got bletharitis (or how ever you spell it): Dry, itchy eyes, that I need to treat with eye drops throughout the night - loads of fun  :'( Doctors couldn't see a problem. I was doing eye hygiene, so doctors said - your eyes are clean - so there shouldn't be a problem. it's been going on for so long with no improvements. Some people say it might be that we look at computers and phones too much these days (especially us fappers!) - but that's just guess work.

After 3 weeks of sobriety, finally the first sign of improvements! I only used eyedrops once last night, same as the last 3 nights or so. Careful not to get too excited... but it's pretty exciting!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 09, 2017, 04:55:58 PM
Ugh - an utter minger of a day - but 20 days in the bag :) and tomorrow it'll be 21.

3 weeks :)

Was so down last night and today. I journaled things out which makes me feel better. Yeah, life stuff happens, but you get it onto paper and it's not the end of the world. At the end of my list of reasons I felt shit, I wrote:

And of course, porn withdrawal. I've generally felt better in the last 3 weeks, I forget about all the misery during the porn junkie days because they were intermittently interrupted by a soring dopamine hit – a hit that I would keep going for hours and days at a time. now it’s a normal life without that dopamine hit; and there are rewarding life moments, and here are the lows.

I'm pretty good at keeping myself together and not fapping at the moment, I feel like i'm living my life choice, but am so delicate, anything that resembles a life problem is able to come along and punch me flat out. looking forward to feeling stronger!!!

Ended up feeling ill for most of the day. quite amazing how I could see the trouble in my depressed head manifest its way into my body

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 10, 2017, 05:55:29 AM
Yeah we hit the highs and lows when in the early stages of recovery. Just about pushing through them.

You seem to be on top of this Gazz. Keep it up..
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 10, 2017, 12:28:28 PM
... and those rough days of depression, and no energy, I'm sure is porn withdrawal. The brain is pressuring you for that dopamine spike, which it thinks helps you, cos you've been using it to self-medicate every day for years.

But made it through a shit day and... it's 3 weeks of no fap!  ;D

Feel much better today. I had some work I had to do, and it was rewarding. I'm much more up, as are my energy levels.

And... the big news is, I did my first workout in absolutely ages. The first of the year! I know exercise is a big mood shifter, so I pushed myself into it today. exercise has been difficult for me as I have aches, pains and some niggling injuries. and in the past, I've PMO'd my time into the bin so I never had the time. really hope I can turn this into a routine and get 3 workouts a week in. That's a goal and will be a big lifestyle boost for me.

Come on week 4!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 11, 2017, 10:26:41 AM
day 22 done :)

There are urges today but mostly I feel fresh, productive and good.

And did a workout!

Saw a recommendation on a no fap vid for the book 'The Morning Miracle'. Fun YouTube vid covering its points here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv7zbiLVBQw

I'm currently reading it. And today for the first time in my adult memory... I got up early voluntarily and did some self-help work. Feels like a big step in the right direction.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 12, 2017, 11:48:11 AM
23 days done  :)

Feeling an enjoyable high at the moment, despite urges.

3 workouts in 3 days! starting to get sore in places, but it's doing wonders for some lingering pains I've had, so i'll keep this up as long as I can

takes an hour out of my day to workout / keep my body healthy. That's a long time. While I was sweating today, I thought, I don't think i'd want to be with those perfectly shaped women who put endless pictures of themselves on social media (which I constantly have to see as social media is a big part of my job). because how many hours a day is that just them focused on their appearance? the women I actually have an interest in in real life have better things to do with the majority of their day

When life is this good, it's easier to see an urge for what it is, a path to pain.

Anyway, that all sounds very positive, but it's one day at a time, and constantly vigilant for that moment when the ultimate difficult urge comes out from behind a corner ready to try to smack me with a baseball bat  :P
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 13, 2017, 03:46:57 AM
Exercise is a great tool for us in recovery. Helped me no end yesterday by going out for some sprint training.

Know what you mean about the people uploading endless selfies. I'm not a psychologist, but for me that says a lot about their personality.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on January 13, 2017, 04:07:30 AM
I feel like exercise is one of the best things we can do. It's a great way to get a dopamine release in a positive, real way. I also find long exercise (long swim, walk, run) is when I do some of my best thinking and mental processing - not sure if that's because I have less distractions like phones etc. but such a great help in overcoming addiction. 
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 13, 2017, 09:06:15 AM
Cheers guys. I'd been putting regular exercise off for ages because I was worried about some aches I had that I didn't want to exacerbate. didn't take long for the exercise to start mending the aches. there's getting through the first couple of days of a new exercise routine and the aching the surprised muscles go through, then it's just enjoying the benefits.

Day 4 of exercise today and there was no soreness  :D :D

Enjoying a healthy lifestyle and my new early morning routine. they say the morning leads the rest of the day. so no more Sunday lounging for me.

This is first day of the hard90 that I feel there's not much to report, so think I've rebooted slightly. urges aren't insane, no crazy mood swings. doing rewarding work helps. It's just... oh, another day i'm doing the hard 90. Took a while to get here ,and hopefully there'll be a lot more boring/ not-much-to-talk-about days like this ahead  :)

I feel the first 3 weeks of reboot, I did indulge my lazy side. I spent time resting, staying in (which meant drinking less), relaxing, doing non taxing hobbies, avoiding anything stressful or that resembled a problem, and I did a lot of a process-the-urge meditation for the painful amount of urges that continued to pop up (I mean, I was turning off a dopamine tap that had been constantly gushing for 10 years!). Now i feel I'm able to introduce some healthy disciplines like exercise into my life.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 14, 2017, 10:41:29 AM
Another day in the bag, another 'boring', uneventful day of the hard90  ;D

Small urges popping up, mostly in the form of images in my head.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: CB on January 14, 2017, 01:07:01 PM
Good to hear you've had a good day without much fuzz from the urges! Really glad for you, and I feel inspired by you.

Exercising is a little like going through withdrawals, like the saying ''the pain today is the victory of tomorrow''.
I'm glad to hear your aches has been mended, so you don't have to worry about it when you exercise! But be careful though. :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 15, 2017, 01:07:03 PM
Cheers CB! :)

Another day in the bag - not sure what the number is and I don't care enough to look it up. This no fap journey is EASIER after the first 3 weeks. I remember writing each day-number out in the early days because each day in the bag felt like the biggest achievement ever.

The beast doesn't feel compulsive now. Urges are there, and I know if I stopped and really thought about them, things would get difficult. I have sense enough to say - no, I don't want you, not going to dwell on you. It is ‘pleasure’, followed by pain x100, so it needs to be left alone, and I have that choice. And I always make the choice of letting the urge go. some say you always have a choice – it doesn’t feel that way when you're in the depths of the addiction cycle, as it’s our own brains telling us we want something, with the power of years of evolution backing it up. 3 1/2 weeks clean and now I’ve grown the muscles that make the decision easier, I’m not going back to where I was helpless.

Took a day off exercising and my morning routine yesterday and had body didn’t appreciate it. So started with the exercise again today. feels so good, the porn addict lifestyle just doesn't compare.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on January 15, 2017, 03:16:25 PM
well done.....make sure to remain modest about rebooting. I made it to 119 days and then i got complacent...it can always happen again to you so be careful...
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 16, 2017, 03:33:23 AM
Cheers TiramiSu, such an important warning. I’ve sadly learned that lesson as I’ve had a long streak end in relapse before too. Just ‘enjoying’ struggle not being so hard as the first 3 weeks, when every day was pure hell.

I think (I hope) I feel another slight shift. My mind has been racing off into ridiculous/ immature fantasy about every woman who crosses my path since stopping PMO. It’s driving me crazy. Finished a day of work yesterday amongst some pretty women, I was ready for it to happen, but a voice said –‘nah, don’t be silly.’ Another sign of the porn addict getting quieter? If this really is the pattern, and another 60 days will drown the addict in me even further, the hard90 truly is a miracle, and I’m so grateful for finding it, and having this forum and other tools that got me through those ridiculous first 3 weeks of the hard90. Note to self, never go back, cos I never want to have to go through that again.

Back to daily exercising which feels great, and it’s 27 days in the bag, tomorrow will be 4 weeks, and so close to 30  ::)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 16, 2017, 10:43:41 AM
The first three weeks for me were where I suffered the worst withdrawals. Especially the first two in particular. Like what's been mentioned, it's about keeping on guard now and not thinking you're 'cured' because you've got a bit of time behind your belt. Not saying this is what you're doing, just talking from my own experience.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 17, 2017, 03:53:58 AM
Another day in the bag. Another early start. Another day of exercise and rewarding work. 

Urges come in the form of images, and thoughts of women I come across in the day, my mind wanting to race off into sexual fantasy. I take a breath and reel mind back in.

The clean life continuing to feel good, I’m crushing tasks I want to do, stuff I’ve put off for so long which actually weren’t that difficult in the end. Really think if I stay clean I can hit some massive goals this year.

Another inspiring thing happened today – I came across a whole load of notes I’d written for things to do to avoid depression. I compiled this list in December when I was so low. I was working so hard to keep myself out of a dark hole, and it wasn’t really working. That whole list isn’t as effective as this one thing I’m doing – staying away from P. Sure, I miss the chemical buzz, but it’s one habit and it destroyed the last 10 years of my life. one habit... my life. defeating this is such a priority!

Cheers Mikel, good advice. It’s kind of another phase of the reboot. Pure hell is over, it’s time to stay on guard, not letting a shrug-of-the-shoulders relapse happen.

Was just reading in a novel about how in some AA groups, an anniversary is celebrated with a cake or a medal. What will I do on day 30? A jig to my favourite song? Something special? Does anyone else out there mark their milestones? It’s strange ‘celebrating’ not doing something that brings pure liquid pleasure. it’s sure to feel like an anti climax. ‘hurray, 30 days of withdrawal symptoms and dull reality, get ready for another 60!’ So I’ll do sth to mark the occasion for myself.

Getting close to 30 : )
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 17, 2017, 07:51:17 AM
Gazz, sounds like you're right on it. Like you, my urges are not for watching porn anymore, it's more the fantasies which pop up in my head. Get past those and we're truly free.

In some AA meetings chips (or medals) are given out for periods of recovery. Such as: 24 Hours, 1 to 11 months, 1 year, 18 months and for each year after that. There's been the odd cake brought in when people have hit certain years especially the first, as that really is a biggy. A friend of mine had a clock made with the numericals being chips with the year one being in the middle. (24 hours was for 12am/pm.)

Up to you though really, maybe worth treating yourself to something when you hit a certain landmark. You've reminded me that I was going to treat myself to a Shisha bong when I hit my ninety days. I promised that to myself a long time ago now.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: CB on January 17, 2017, 11:26:33 AM
Feels good to hear you seem to have it under control and your soon on 30 days, wow that's a lot man!

Yeah I have the thing with my mind wanting to go in to sexual fantasizing when I see women out on town. It is part of our addiction, a bad habit that has to be gone. It will get less powerful for each week that's passing by. Damn these weeks and days seem very long sometimes, but that's probably maybe because I'm on my 6th day lol. :)

Keep moving forward, you got this gazz!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Beingpure on January 17, 2017, 04:48:09 PM
Hey Gazz, I just saw some of your other posts.

Sounds like you're making some good progress and supporting others on the way. On the note of fantasies and seeing e omen during the day... Have you ever noticed where's the first plAce you look when you see a women? Is it her face? Here smile? Her eyes? Her hair?

 In my case, it's normally her chest area.... I caught myself the other day with a lady in my office... at firs I thought... jeez I wonder if she notices because she sits right at the entrance to our office and always wears low cut tops - the first time I caught myself and actually noticed that's what I'm doing I felt like such a pervert - guess my judgement of myself.... and then I made a new choice to try and focus on her real beauty... and tried to look beyond the physical...

It may not be such a good idea in general but was quite an alive feeling noticing the pattern and opportunity to shift perspective and focus from a sexual being to a human being... lol there is a person on the other end of her chest.

Keep up the progress man.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on January 18, 2017, 03:52:29 AM
Gazz, just read your post about celebrating milestones - what an awesome idea, and one I had never even thought of doing. I think it's really important to do things to mark the milestones and get some reward for the difficult journey we're on. Even if it's just treating yourself to something small every month clean or something. But really good idea - I think sometimes we get all caught up in the numbers and days and streaks - I think it's a great idea to stop everynow and then and say, I made another month, and enjoy the moment.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 18, 2017, 03:03:44 PM
Thanks so much Beingpure. feel like I'm making progress

That’s great advice. The women I wrote about on my last post were actually all lovely people, one a talented musician and I’m a big music fan. I guess for me and 'where' I look, i'm a sucker for a pretty face. Guess I'm lucky as it's not awkward to get caught looking at a face... well not for too long

Another day in the bag  :)

Enjoying the clean life? Yep
Early start and daily exercise? Yep
Getting urges? Yep.

For over a week I've had more energy than I remember having in recent memory. Have been getting up an hour or 2 earlier than I usually do and getting loads done. Though finally hit a wall and felt some blurgh today. I guess a bit tired from all the energy I've been using up. Also staying indoors a lot with heat blasting due to the winter weather. I felt low emotions, and I just wrote down what was happening. It's common sense stuff, just have to be easy on myself. Suffering from too much screen time as well, ironically I'm staring at one now - though I wanted to quickly pop onto the forum and connect with everyone.

Realised I've passed the 4 week mark  ;D Didn't mind so much as I'm more focused on the 30 day mark which is coming up. Thanks for the nod everyone. We DEFINITELY SHOULD celebrate. I've got a gathering of friends on the weekend. No one will no the secret reason i'm celebrating, but I'll be in a very good mood and feeling proud for reaching a milestone in a pretty tough challenge.

we have to ‘enjoy’ this process of getting our lives back, not feel sorry for ourselves and mourn this old damaging but enjoyable habit that used to own us.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 19, 2017, 03:45:17 AM
Good work on getting past the four week mark man. Hope you have a great time at your 'secret' party......
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 19, 2017, 08:42:48 AM
Thanks guys

... and it's 30 DAYS IN THE BAG!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks to everyone who've exchanged words with me on the forum. I would not have made it this far without there accountability, support, and advice I've found here.

But yes, Ok, this is tiny step. I won't start thanking the Academy just yet. I'm ready and focused on getting to 5 weeks.

A month ago, in the chains of addiction, I felt awful.

After month of sobriety, I feel awesome.

Well, that’s not surprising, that’s why I’ve been trying to stay clean for 2 years (without getting very far - I could have made it easier on myself, but I guess I've been learning and making progress throughout that time, it's hard to give up PMO without a few relapses, I'm sure most ppl will agree).

It’s not easy, as you all know. Despite all the pros, it just takes a weak moment, a trigger, and a relapse can happen – and a relapse is never just a relapse, its chains wrapped firmly around you all over again.

I feel a lot freer. A slightly rebooted brain, as opposed to trying to get that first day or 2 clean, which was so hard.

I’ve been rewarding myself with a mellow day and doing some self nurturing things. I've taken the day off. Rare sunny day outside and I've been out there. On days like this in the past, I've often stayed indoors doing that thing all day, and looked outside at a beautiful day, and it made me miserable. Not only was I missing out on life and good weather and being outside, but I didn't know what to do about it. Of course, my reward system was screwed up, and anything except PMO felt boring. I wanted to go outside, but I didn't.

Today is day 31... and I don't feel the urge to relapse right now :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: CB on January 19, 2017, 11:34:47 AM
Congratulations on your 30 days without PMO! That's amazing! Just keep pushing, I'm sure you'll reach your 90 days man!

The sun has been shining in Sweden today as well, been great weather! I'm happy you took time to spend the day out in the sun. Know about the sitting inside and blaming one self for not grabbing the life by it's horns feeling.

Again, congratulations buddy! You're doing great! :)

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Rebooter99 on January 19, 2017, 05:47:07 PM
Hey,

You're experience is quite common. Your body(reproductive system) has gone from full-throttle to 0, to borrow a car analogy. As such, your hormonal and gland systems are still overproducing, despite your attempt to change your lifestyle. This dissapears after 2-3 weeks in most cases, I believe. Here's a good article explaining it, but disregard/forget about the stupid products they're trying to sell you at the end: http://www.herballove.com/articles/pain-abstaining-semen-retention-can-have-its-own-consequences. Good luck. Stay strong.

Rebooter 99
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 20, 2017, 05:09:00 AM
Wooo hooo......... Milestone number one has been reached. Good work man. Now onto milestone number two which will be the big 60.

See you there Bro!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 20, 2017, 03:55:22 PM
Cheers guys!!!!!!!!!!!!    ;D

Feel like I've been through a war and now I'm in phase 2. Things easier today than 30 days ago, so really don't want to put myself through all of that again.

31 days in the bag. Back to healthy routine today. Early start. Exercise. Having lots of ‘entrepreneur’ ideas

Like a lot of ‘streakers’ say, urges are strong before I completely wake up. Now I’ve had the time to get some cool projects going in my life, and enjoying hobbies like reading, guitar and seeing friends more, my mind is happily occupied most of the time after the first cup of coffee.

Enjoyed the ‘purity’ of my joys yesterday and glad I can enjoy the simple pleasures again. Here’s to another fulfilling day of the hard90
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 21, 2017, 07:03:28 AM
Another day in the bag :)

Feeling a little low and tired today. No morning routine or exercise. I know I’ll perk up once I get up, and choose the better-mood-path, and stop dwelling/festering in this low/ tired state like it’s a guilty pleasure.

Now the urge to watch P has faded somewhat, thoughts of an old girlfriend from years ago has risen to the surface. I’d been hurt by the break up and pretty much went into a PMO hole for 10 years after she left. I was somehow trying to reach back to our time together through fantasy and P watching. It was a sexually exciting relationship, but not ideally the relationship I was supposed to be in. I’m in a real, loving relationship now, an adult relationship – not a schoolboy’s fantasy relationship, problem is I’m still a school boy in many ways.

There’s not much I can do except focus on letting go, and choosing to be happy in the present moment. Giving up PMO has brought me this far and to these revelations in a very short space of time, and I have faith that the journey will bring to light what else I need to learn.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: cknfella on January 21, 2017, 07:11:27 AM
Gazz...

That's great man! Sounds like you're in a much healthier place. Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on January 21, 2017, 09:19:09 AM
Hi Gazz,

I know that feeling SO well!

I feel like I'm about 15 a lot of the time, especially in matters of sex and relationships, particularly sex! I actually think my sexual development pretty much stalled about then. Maybe that's why I stuck with the PMO habit I'm now leaving behind. I think most people go through that feverish wanking phase then move onto the real thing. I didn't.

I'm still in two minds whether to try and re-activate a relationship that ended around 5 years ago - we've stayed in touch until just recently, so I'm not sure why our friendship has foundered at exactly the same time as I joined the Nation and gave up my PMO habit.

Like yourself, I look back with great fondness on a really sexually adventurous relationship - we explored a lot of things neither of us had ever done before.

Unlike yourself, I don't have a partner at the moment, so I'm not sure where I should be putting my efforts. Do I try to rekindle what I once had or do I look for a new partner... really not sure.

I do love your new found positive attitude, I too shall try to be happy in the moment. Thank you and everyone else who posts their honest, uplifting accounts of the reboot process. At 65 ish days, I still appreciate the support you all offer me.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 22, 2017, 05:11:25 AM
Cheers cknfella !

And thanks Bigstep. Good luck with your relationship decision. These kinds of opportunities don't grow on trees, but taking the time to make sure you do what's best for you is great. I'd also say - don't let this P addiction that you're getting out of tell you it's part of you, make you shameful or feel that you're undeserving of a relationship. you sound very centered and i'm sure you're ready to put yourself out there.

Another day in the bag  :)

I've become a cliché of enjoying my working week, then on the weekend, thinking, it's my time off, I want to do the easy thing and relax. I don't want to do the hard thing and get out of bed/ exercise/ do anything constructive. Yep, sounds totally dumb when I write it out. Last Saturday, I did the same thing, learned my lesson and had a great Sunday. This Sunday my activities and mood are rolling on from yesterday. it even made me want to relapse this morning.

Had some drinks last night, so didn't sleep great, and feeling rough this morning. I know drinking is not a good thing for us streakers, but I find it hard being with friends, and not sharing a glass of wine with them. At least I can say I don't do it often.

Well, the answer it right there, stop vegetating, start that morning routine, and start the day!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on January 22, 2017, 08:35:05 AM
totally agree - drinks do make us feel rough:)....in pmo free mode a vacation from alcohol is good!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 23, 2017, 02:51:37 AM
Morning Gazz and great work in your recovery. Sounds like you're smashing it.

Totally hear you when it comes to feeling and thinking like a teenager. Sometimes the fantasies which have popped into my head seem so infantile they actually make me cringe. I suppose that's a good thing. I think with recovery it's also about growing up alongside getting well. We've dealt with certain situations with our life by pmo'ing so when that's taken away, we have to deal with them like proper adults.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 23, 2017, 04:31:42 PM
Cheers guys!

Another day in the bag :)

Coming this far and having my mind so clear, it's a matter of seeing things in life for what they are, and how you need to make a change here, and a tweak there. So some helpful realisations are coming to light. Like I previously said, I used to make whole lists of things I needed to do for my depression and life. really... GIVE UP PORN, the thing I looooooved to spend my time doing, that was all I needed to do. Life's irony - also one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.

No porn block on my phone tonight, despite being alone. I know I should be careful, but I’m feeling strong, on a roll with other things, and dang – it was really handy for other things I wanted to do, communicate with people and do some work related tasks. bit of a victory, though after previous relapses I know I have to be so so careful.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 24, 2017, 03:13:57 PM
Although I’ve had a couple of erotic dreams the last couple of nights (they’ve not been triggers for me), the urges have got so quiet, I don't feel I should be calling them urges. Urges – for me – are something that happens in the brain and body that urge us to watch P. Now all I get is an image in the head, or the start of a fantasy, a little buzz in the body, and a flutter in the heart; and refocusing, and a deep breath or two makes them go away. It’s not a calling to watch P, it’s just a man coming out of an addiction, feeling wobbly for a second. I’d rather call them urge-flutters :)

Another day in the bag :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Airedalehappy on January 24, 2017, 07:46:29 PM
Congratulations gazz on all your progress. Sounds like you've come such a long way so well done mate! And thanks for keeping such a great blog too. I've read through it and I can relate to so many things you have written.

You are about a month in front of me in your journey I think, I am only 6 days in and so it will be 1 week for me tomorrow. Seeing that you are making it through is a real inspiration and shows me that It can be done! Keep up the great work man.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 25, 2017, 04:13:46 AM
Cheers Airedale, congrats on a week!

Been keeping up the early morning routine and exercise. Strained something so won't be exercising so much. Pain was distracting, so not working like I should. I took the easy option and chose to give myself a break.

Another erotic dream last night, and some heavier urges hitting me this morning. I know, after my talk about light ‘urge-flutters’ yesterday. I’m always self conscious about writing things here that sound too positive. I know a fine line separates me from being in the p cycle, especially this early in reboot.

Today (so far) feels like the most challenging day I’ve had in a while. I’ve relatively been coasting recently (life is so much better without P, so why ever think about relapse?). time to clock up days as a motivator... and it’s 36 days! Tomorrow will be 30days + one week. That’s the next milestone to look forward to.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 26, 2017, 03:54:13 AM
30 days + one week in the bag  :)

Experiencing a low period on the mood-rollercoaster journey. Grey sky outside, feeling unmotivated, weak, tired, and as I let this happen, urges get stronger, I was really letting P thoughts and images come into my head this morning.

I know I need to focus and start doing something to pick up momentum again. it's like I took my foot off the gas pedal 2 days ago and now I've stalled. Shame because I've been having loads of great life ideas and have made a start on them. if I don't see them through, they'll be hard to come back to. like the sobriety journey - we start feeling excited and motivated, then comes the drudgery.

Recap! Had a physical pain, that led to me choosing the lazy options in my day, which led to a slump, which led to urges. I should still exercise for just 1 to 5 minutes every day.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 27, 2017, 06:10:35 AM
the low period continues...

Another day in the bag  ???

But this is the hardest it’s been on the sobriety journey

Haven’t relapsed (Accountability to the forum was a big motivator!) but... ugh... I feel terrible  :o

Was really enjoying my sobriety; now depression, and urges that are like a physical pain are crushing me. I was wide awake all last night and feel terrible this morning! 'Heal yourself with PMO' a voice is telling me. I've got all my porn blocks on and am just sitting here feeling terrible waiting for it to pass. be strong and sit with the pain!!!!!!

I have to sit through all this. I may not have felt this bad during my PMO days, but I did feel bad all the time. I know this is a slump that I will come out of. The PMO slump is a cycle of misery and self medication that doesn’t get any better. I’ve collected pages and pages of my own journal notes/ forum notes, nofap notes, reminding myself how I feel when I’m locked in the cycle and today I’m going to read over everything.

Some past experience has helped me here. my last streak was 60 days. I felt I was living a new lifestyle, and felt I was out of the cycle. how could urges suddenly come back and be as strong as they were when I was in the cycle? this is a silly story, but what happened was, after a long journey, I was jetlagged. I couldn’t sleep but felt so exhausted, it was real physical pain. After 2 months of resisting MO, including some really tempting moments, I MO’d for the release, and the adrenaline and relaxation it brought. After that, a PMO relapse wasn’t far behind.

Is this just a life slump or porn withdrawal? Who knows? Who cares? I just know, the TRUTH is, I have to give up P, because I write on a forum every day, sharing a journal with 1000s of other people suffering from the pain it brings. Because I have written essays worth of reminders begging the future me not to relapse and take myself back to how I’ve felt in the past...

Meditated yesterday whenever I start feeling really bad. The other thing that has helped slightly is journaling. As soon as I put pen to paper, the pain shifted slightly. Would love to shake myself out of this and feel centred again, but maybe there’s no easy way out. it’s a 10 year addiction I’m coming out of. Got to sit out this pain and wait for the blue skies to return!!!

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: cknfella on January 27, 2017, 08:15:06 AM
Hey man-

It looks like you're around the 1 month mark.  I remember feeling intense challenges around that time.  My biggest encouragement - stay busy and intentionally distract yourself. Workout like crazy, run, whatever.  It will help the brain more than anything with swings.  Also, eat well.  Eating poorly was a big trigger to jump on that slippery slope of lust. Your brain will also convince you that since you're giving up P, you can splurge in other areas. Not true. Stay vigilant!

Keep up the great work bro!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 27, 2017, 10:51:50 AM
Thanks mate. Feeling so tired, hopefully energy levels picks up enough soon so I can get back into the exercise routine. So down recently I was promising myself a tasty burger today... but managed to avoid that pitfall and ate healthy. A 'mouth party' lasts a couple of minutes and we're left with a belly bomb and no energy.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 28, 2017, 10:05:11 AM
Another day in the bag  ::)

Happy to say I’m coming out of the rut of depression I was in the last few days. Saw an old friend last night, sun came out today, finally had a good night’s sleep, I went easy on myself and I just waited out the bad feelings. Feeling fully human again today. Happy I didn’t relapse during those tough days. Lots I want to do, will hopefully slot back into my waking early/ doing good work/ regular exercise routine.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on January 28, 2017, 07:42:30 PM
Mate, awesome work getting through these tough days without a relapse, the changes that must be making in your brain wiring must be incredible. Before PMO was the easy answer to feeling depressed or stressed or whatever - although it wasn't really an answer it was just another problem-creator.

Hope things keep improving. How much do you think the depressive feelings related to your reboot? Or was it just a phase of feeling depressed that has now taken on new meaning because the old way of coping with it is no longer possible? Guess it could be hard to say either way, especially as your reboot period gets longer and longer.

Awesome work though mate, great to see your sticking with it when you're feeling good and when you're feeling rubbish. Onwards and upwards!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 29, 2017, 06:27:10 AM
the changes that must be making in your brain wiring must be incredible.

Thanks xyz! So true, and I so needed to hear that.

How much do you think the depressive feelings related to your reboot? Or was it just a phase of feeling depressed that has now taken on new meaning because the old way of coping with it is no longer possible?


It's all so integrated. PMO has been part of every day life for most of my life, perhaps my whole adult life. I think highs and lows are part of life, and accepting them and letting them go is a skill everyone has to learn. There are so many drugs people take these days cos people want to feel 'normal' all the time. But it is depressing not to be able to do that amazing-dopamine-spike hobby when you're cold, tired, and on your own. I'm keeping the faith that rebooting will balance me out, though I know low moods will still visit me. I'm curious whether i'll ever feel so bad as last week when I've been clean for a long time. Glad I recorded it in the journal so I remember how bad things can feel.

ANOTHER DAY IN THE BAG!!!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 30, 2017, 06:22:10 AM
Another day in the bag  :)

Long entry coming up, but I had an interesting weekend.

Wife went away on a trip, there’s a rainstorm outside, and I was stuck home alone. This circumstance was a trigger. In the past, I would have been so happy – just me and my favourite hobby. By the end of the weekend, I would have been frustrated, empty and depressed.

Urges were rare, but they were strong. Amazing I’ve not watched porn for over 40 days and am enjoying the sobriety, and went through hell to get here. but urges would come, and I said, I don't care about all that sobriety, I would love to relapse right now, I would just love to be able to watch porn. Amazes me how after all this time, I am as ready to relapse as I was 40 days ago. So I had to be strict about my porn blockers – I had a complete internet block on my phone for almost the whole weekend.

I had fun and was productive, I cooked, read, I wrote, I took walks with an umbrella, I watched an old favourite movie, and I had a chat with the wife on the phone.

I don't want to sound preachy. I’m very humble. as the above shows, I’m not far from relapsing, and I have to keep focused every day to stay clean. I write this for myself more than for anyone else who might be reading this:

So much has changed for me in 40 days. Contrary to what some say on this forum, PORN IS THE CAUSE OF AWFUL THINGS. There is so much I wanted to do in the last 10 years, but my porn addiction kept my life stagnant, and it affected my mood, so that I became so depressed. Before porn, I was a very happy-go-lucky guy. Porn viewing is directly linked to depression, because we’re plugged into a non-reality, and when we unplug, reality isn’t how it ‘should’ be in our minds. Of course, we need to sort other things in our lives out, but porn covers up the cracks, so we don’t know what they are until we give up porn. Focus energies on giving up porn, then look at improving other aspects of your life. Reading my old diaries, I can see I tried so much to kickstart my life, nothing really worked, but giving up porn changed everything. ‘What will I do with all this free time, energy and good mood? I’ll be productive to make my life better. What else? I’ll exercise so I’ll be fit and its a good mood shifter. I’ll read something challenging instead of internet surfing cos it’s better for my brain and I feel a sense of achievement afterwards. I’ll do something nice for my wife cos I neglected her while I was stuck in the porn cycle.’ ...

I’ll get off my soapbox now. Just celebrating the positives of staying away from that very 'enjoyable' hobby. Time to face a new day and a new week clean
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on January 30, 2017, 08:07:21 AM
No need to get off your soapbox Gazza this is exactly what I want to hear. I don't care where people are in their recovery, if I can learn from them that's all that matters.

Great hearing how the urges came and how you dealt with them. Reminds me that I can do the same when I'm seeking out other things which you've heard me mention before.

You're right. Porn masked my true emotions and really warped my thinking. I can understand how it can lead some people into dangerous situations, I really can. Realising this about myself was frightening and humbling at the same time. Meant I could then do something about it and here we are, clean from porn.

Onwards to sixty days bro.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on January 30, 2017, 03:46:43 PM
I agree with Mikel - stay on the soapbox! (not that that's really what you were on anyway - just enjoying the rewards of being PMO free!)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on January 31, 2017, 01:34:06 AM
It's another day in the bag :)

Feeling good, and pretty happy about the opportunities that have arisen for me recently, since I've started using my time better.

However, feeling happy about opportunities is one thing (yesterday) and facing the challenges is another (today). I've got 2 weeks to do some serious work, the kind of work that used to make me run and hide (and PMO).

I'm really excited though. I think after the misery of being stuck in an addictive cycle, achieving something in my career is quite exciting. the idea of work never excited me before.

So I guess I finish writing this post and start!  ???

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: cknfella on January 31, 2017, 05:54:50 AM
Great reports Gazz!! Keep up the fight!   8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 01, 2017, 07:03:57 AM
Cheers guys :)

Well January is over, that's the first month of 2017 PMO free and though it's been a challenge, the rewards have been amazing. Like I said on the last post, the next step is stepping up and facing the challenge of a life that's not hiding in a room PMO'ing.

Another day in the bag :)

Rewarding day of good work, relaxing later with a book and the guitar. Urges are there, but I’m in a place where I know indulging can derail everything – it has before. Almost comedy now to look back on the opportunities I ran away from cos my comfort zone was so small.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 01, 2017, 07:30:07 AM
Hi Gazz,

Yep, that "comfort zone" for me was pretty much the pool of light from an angle poise shining onmy lap and keyboard.

And the bizarre thing about it was that it wasn't even comfortable!

I too am taking on challenges that would have had me running to the false security of a 2D world. It feels REALLY scary, but I had 5 big professional challenges to deal with in the first 6 weeks of 2017. 1 cancelled, though I did all the groundwork for it and got the technology to speak to each other, so that was ok. I've completed 3 of the remaining 4 jobs successfully, which just leaves this weekend's mission. Once that's over, I'll feel more sure of myself (I hope!) What i won't do is celebrate with a massive PMO binge like I used to. I'll probably go for a run!

Good luck with your work project and your newfound engagement with the real world!

Let's beat this bastard!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 02, 2017, 12:22:11 AM
one month pmo free is great. Well done. Congrats.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 02, 2017, 06:43:42 AM
Cheers guys!  ;D

FirstStep - that's great stuff, congrats on facing those challenges. Funny how PMO was a reward after good work, also a way to avoid work, a crutch when things were bad, something to do just because we liked doing it, a nice way to fall asleep, a fun way to wake up... just central to every facet of our lives! ...well, my life anyway.

I'm facing an extra challenge at the moment, a really annoying back pain that makes it hard to work and sleep, and impossible to exercise. So come the urges; PMO used to be my favourite way to deal with feeling ill/ physical pain/ insomnia. I'm seeing a physio today, who really helped last time I saw him.

Probably because of this, some unhelpful erotic dreams popped up when I could sleep. Almost relapsed in my dream too.

So the challenge could be a blessing. Me vs. porn I thought was a tough battle, but when I recover from this extra challenge of me vs. porn and back pain, me vs. porn won't seem so difficult.

Once again, being on the forum with everyone is an amazing motivator.  :)  8) :D ;) ;D 8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 03, 2017, 04:46:16 AM
45 days in the bag! very happy to make this milestone. Life is so much better and things will hopefully get easier. Whoop!

Went to physio and he helped with the back problem. Now there's not constant pain, which i'm very grateful for. Don't think i'll be jumping into high octane exercise for a while which is frustrating. I recently read the quote, 'not exercising is like taking a depressant.' Good thing though that I miss exercising like I used to miss PMO. soon I'll be able to start doing some yoga, which I find quite boring compared to getting the heart rate up and moving the body, but i'll be grateful that it's better than nothing.

Enjoying time with wife, enjoying good hobbies, and getting good sleep without annoying erotic dreams. Now the back pain is better, I have some work to catch up on  :o

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 04, 2017, 06:46:39 AM
Another day in the bag :)

finished a work assignment yesterday, feels good to start to facing these challenges. I'll be working through the weekend to make up for the time I took off last week but ho hum.

The clean life has meant enjoying life and people and simple pleasures. For a long time I felt so dead to everything. I was pretending to be human and to care about things, but I was just going through the motions. I thought it was because of some old traumas that had crushed my soul, nope - it was because I was PMO'ing all the time and crushing all my emotions!

physically recovering from the back pain and sleeping well, I'll start doing some light yoga sessions today or tomorrow. Wasted my morning somewhat, sitting in bed listening to music, instead of getting a start on work; guess i'm just happy I really love music again! But it's time to be productive  ::)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: achilles heel on February 05, 2017, 03:36:54 AM
Your journal is really positive and inspiring, you seem to get the right conclusions out of your struggles and take this serious. And as you became addicted rather late in your life that gives you the big advantage of knowing how it felt before living without porn. Most of us younger (not that much younger in my case ;) ) guys directly connected porn and sexual interest as soon as hitting puberty and have to learn how to walk first.

I can so much relate to that quote:

I remind myself, a reason I’m giving up porn is the emotions it makes me feel. This passage sums it up perfectly: ‘leaves you feeling empty and worthless, porn blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating the subtleties of life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the porn trance, feeling exhausted and miserable, your self esteem destroyed.’

It's hard work to rebuild that self esteem and self worth again. Reminding one self about how every relapse is a huge setback is helpful to fight urges. Porn is not an option, it's not a choice, it's just destructive in every aspect.

Keep up the progress! :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 05, 2017, 05:35:34 AM
Cheers mate! I’m happy you picked out that quote – I heard it in a YouTube video. Every single word perfectly sums up how P makes me feel. It is my WHY, it is my big TRUTH.

So true what you say about me being lucky discovering P at an older age. The buzz from watching P is amazing, and there are horrible consequences; but I know that life is incredibly awesome without it. I remember!– it’s about appreciating being alive, it’s about laughing with friends and family and being crazy and geeky about books and music and being outside. But giving up P is still so hard for me. What must the ‘kids’ be going through? I cannot begin to imagine. I worry and sympathise about what they have to go through, cos it’s only natural they be drawn into to the awesome power of P. But I guess society has had bigger challenges.

Another day in the bag  8)

Screwed up my work day yesterday with procrastination, not focusing and faffing about on the web (including being on the forum. so hard to work on a Saturday!). Need to be disciplined and focused to finish an assignment today.

Pretty bad insomnia last night. I relaxed and told myself, it’s just withdrawals. Immense, annoying erotic dream this morning, and woke up really wanting to relapse. That old trick the brain does, saying, ‘You can PMO today, then carry on with the nofap journey.’ Hold on though, that doesn’t quite make sense, withdrawals like insomnia and mood swings are due to me giving up porn. After I woke up more and had a coffee, this all started making sense :) Mornings are such a tricky time, I don't know if there'll ever be a time I'll stop needing porn blockers. I'm very grateful they exist!

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 05, 2017, 06:21:28 AM
Morning's can be quite tricky when you haven't got anything on. I'm like that on Sundays. I usually have a lie in on Sunday, my mind starts wondering with stupid fantasies. Fantasies which were not important all week but now I'm lounging around, they seem interesting and important. As soon as I get up and do something though I'm usually ok.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 06, 2017, 07:26:57 AM
Cheers mate. I'm a freelancer, so there is no real urgency when I wake in the morning. That's why reading The Miracle Morning has been such a game changer for me - getting up and getting things done is a great way to start the day. Got a bit derailed by my back pain - which is much better now. But I've been allowing myself to sleep in, feeling I need to catch up on the sleep I lost last week. Hmm, it's hard to gage the right balance of being easy on yourself and pulling your socks up!

Another day in the bag :)

Things going well - productive and in a good mood. Not able to exercise as much a I would like to. I've been letting fantasies (old P scenes and thoughts of an old sexy girlfriend) run in my head too long. Need a daily mantra to work on doing that less.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 06, 2017, 08:11:30 AM
Just go running for 10 K in the morning. Then all of your thoughts will be gone:)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 07, 2017, 01:05:02 PM
Ha! Cheers mate, 10k might be beyond me, but a good reminder not to neglect the old disciplines and routine. When I forget things like morning meditation, there’s a void that urges start to fill!

Another day in the bag! Also had no blocks on my phone last night home alone - was really convenient for some work I wanted to do. I was able to trust myself not to slip. I won't make a habit of being this lax, following hard rules has got me this far. Day 50 coming soon :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 07, 2017, 04:07:00 PM
Gazz - that sounds great. With regards to running: you build up quite fast a good condition. You just Need to do it regularly.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 08, 2017, 02:57:32 AM
Loving your work Gazz. Keep up the positive vibes.  8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 08, 2017, 05:38:26 AM
Cheers guys... sadly on a bit of a low today - just so tired, and work frustrations... and a couple of beers yesterday... a few things combined along with WITHDRAWALS, I'm sure. just had a read of a few posts in the forum - a good reminder that P isn't the answer - it's an awful punch in the face waiting to happen.

Another day in the bag! 50 days in the bag actually :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 08, 2017, 01:47:48 PM
Good work Gazz - 50 days is no mean feat!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 09, 2017, 12:55:23 AM
50 days are awesome and you will not forgot about it. It is a great experience.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on February 09, 2017, 04:46:16 AM
Congrats on 50 days awesome work! Really starting to snowball that clean time, experience, knowledge now!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 09, 2017, 07:38:26 AM
Thanks guys! Accountability to you guys helps me so much

Urges are strong at the moment. I won’t over-analyze the situation – ‘Have I been doing this or that wrong...?’ I’ve said it before, this is a hard, 10 year long, addictive behaviour I’m giving up, and days like this are to be expected. PMO has too many life-halting consequences, the years of bad moods and stagnant life, the 1000s of words I’ve written saying how miserable the chains of PMO make me feel, and the 1000s of people on these forums going through the same problem are a testiment to that. Sobriety is everything. Nothing in life is possible while I’m in those chains. Here’s to another day clean.

Another day in the bag :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 10, 2017, 04:17:17 PM
Urges have been difficult lately. Got loads of internet blocks on at the moment – including google and youtube. Feel like at this point in my last streak I relapsed when things got this uncomfortable. A voice tells me the discomfort won’t end until I scratch that itch and relapse. I’m more experienced this time round, and I know that isn’t true, and already, a couple of hours after suffering quite a bit, I’m feeling this better. Hopefully this is the turning point after a tough few days. The only way the discomfort wont end is if I did relapse, back in the P cycle being miserable, with no where to go but back through the hard90 and back to where I am now all over again!

Another day in the bag  8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 11, 2017, 02:00:51 AM
Make sure you know why you are on this platform. I relapsed after 118 days and it was pretty annoying! So please be smarter than me!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 11, 2017, 10:18:12 AM
Cheers T man

It's amazing how we can forget why we're here. Sobriety sometimes feels like an inconvenience - no, it's the most important thing in life right now, cos I cant do anything in the chains of addiction.

Feels like the bad urges come in cycles. There are a few days of automatic success, as I'm now in the habit of not fapping. Then comes the days where the brain is screaming - THAT'S ENOUGH. I NEED THAT DOPAMINE RUSH! Those are horrible days. We can get through them using all our tools and everything we've learned, or we can relapse on those days. Boy, I hope there are less of those days after the hard90.

If we stay determined to progress, we learn something each time we hit these challenges. The last few days I was low, life felt grey and unrewarding, I was feeling deprived of the good things in life, and I was trying to push myself to work HARDER, to achieve some goals - hoping that achieving something might give me happiness and that contented buzz-feeling I was looking for. But happiness is within ourselves. If you're grateful for everything in your life now - there's happiness, and no void for urges to be present. If you think that happiness is round the next corner, you're delaying happiness.

Bit of a ramble there, but feeling good after some low days. AWESOME! and another day in the bag :)

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 12, 2017, 06:14:37 AM
Another day in the bag and feeling good :)

Insomnia a bit of an inconvenience - woke up in the night buzzing and wide awake, so spent a lot of time reading. So Woke up this morning feeling rough. But hey, this is small stuff.

Reading a fun book I got by accident: Thank and get rich (p grout). Some spiritual stories in there might make some roll their eyes. But i'm really enjoying the overall message - joy and gratitude is the answer to everything. If you count your blessings every day, it's hard to feel low and deprived - and those low moods that make urges come. We take so much for granted, if we see we have everything we need today, and count 10 awesome things we have, then bring on the good moods. Ii's great to read this after the run of difficult days I had with those soul crushing urges.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on February 12, 2017, 06:29:32 AM
I've spent so much more time reading lately - (not that I'd want to be doing it due to insomnia!) How good is all this extra time!? Sad how many hours I wasted over the years on videos taking me nowhere. Good work with your journey so far - you're a real positive voice on these forums, even when things are tough - great inspiration to the rest of us to keep going.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 13, 2017, 12:56:05 PM
Cheers xyz, same to you – you always seem to pop up at just the right moment with a good word :)

Sorry to say – I PMO relapsed yesterday and today. I know it’s not the end of the world, and I don’t feel awful, mainly because both times I managed to put my P blocks on after a session, and walked away instead of binging until I felt awful. I also feel like I am a man on the road of sobriety and this is a blip (if I stop now and get back on the road.)

How did it happen? Feeling ill and fluey. Was in enough pain that I couldn’t sleep or read/ watch a film... and P was a way to escape that pain. I wasn’t thinking about it (any more than I usually do), but I was alone, with my laptop, which suddenly tells me the P blocks are off for a moment, which gave me the opportunity to stop them coming on again for as long as I wanted.

My big reason for avoiding P is the pain it brings me. The next big thing is the positives from not using it – I’m achieving goals, things that seemed impossible in my life now seem possible, I’m enjoying hobbies that are making me grow, I’m not an irritable arsehole who wants to be alone all the time so I can fap...

But I failed because I wanted to run from real life pain.

I was hoping yesterday was the blip. But when an opportunity came up today I took it. There was no habitual idea that it’s something I don’t do. so this is the worrying thing. My last relapse lasted weeks – a string days of trying to start up a streak and only getting a couple of days clean here and there.

I need today to be my day 0, tomorrow to be day 1, and to get a few clean days in the bag. Then all the work I’ve done won’t be for nothing. If I go down the chaser road, I’ll wipe out all that ‘brain training’ and I really will be back to square one.

They say: when this happens, remind yourself of your why: here’s my copy and paste: ‘it leaves you feeling empty and worthless, porn blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating the subtleties of life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the porn trance, feeling exhausted and miserable, your self esteem destroyed.’

They say: what will you do differently in your next streak? : I found a way to tweak the P blocks so they don’t stop in the middle of the night. Think I also need to work on my ‘comfort in discomfort’, I was a bit of a sissy to say – ‘oh, i have a cold, this sucks! This is unbearable...’

Here's to getting a clean day under the belt!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 14, 2017, 03:06:52 AM
Gazz,

Sorry to hear of your lapse - but do keep re-reading your text as a reminder of how crappy porn makes you feel.

I don't know if anyone else can access your laptop, but I'd suggest saving that text as a JPEG and putting it on as your desktop background - that way, it's right in front of you when you open up the machine. These bloody things can either be a portal to success or a worm hole into the dark side - it's our choice as to which route we take.

You can easily get back on the horse now - if you wait much longer, it can wander off, then you have to spend time finding the horse before you can remount...

I think a lot of us need to practice some tough self love (which isn't anything to do with t Death Grip Syndrome, btw!)

Keep us posted with your successes - I for one have faith in you.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 14, 2017, 03:09:00 AM
As someone who has relapsed a lot in the past, pick yourself up and go for it again. There is ALWAYS somehing you can learn from your relapse, mainly what lead up to it which I think you know already.

Keep posting and keep yourself accountable.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on February 14, 2017, 03:11:57 AM
Gazz!! I'm massively devastated for you...but you're right - it's a blip, those months you just did changed your brain and if you get back on the wagon those changes won't revert. I remember you saying the 2 month mark was often a barrier for you, like it is for me. I wonder why? For me I think it's about the time I start really feeling like I don't have a problem any more, and my mind starts turning more and more to 'dabbling' in PMO. Man, this journey is tough.

One thing you mentioned at the end about learning 'comfort in discomfort' - I strongly recommend cold showers for that. I've been doing it for a while but just watched this video recently that explains it really well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvmYINIXN5U

Get back on that wagon. Get through day 0, then 1, and onwards. Stay strong legend!


 
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 14, 2017, 09:53:58 AM
There have been a few times I've been strongly tempted by the whole PMO routine but for me, the strongest motivator to keep away from it has been the accounts of the partners on this site.

Just to go and read Just Keep Swimming's account of her feelings, Aquarius25, Emerald Blue and others. If you are in a relationship, this lays bare the damage your habit can do. For me, it just shows me what I've probably done to a number of special women in my life and reminds me that I don't want any more of that damage sitting on my conscience assuming I ever find another partner.

I too, found 2 months a tricky point - I've likened my progress to having a piece of elastic between my understanding and my actual brain - the understanding of my problem shot off into the distance, stretching the link until part of my brain grudgingly slid slowly towards it. There are times when it feels like my understanding might be sliding back towards my brain, where it's grabbed another foothold, but I have to keep pulling with all the strength I can (a lot of it provided by guys like yourselves) I think it's a tug of war, but one I'm determined to win.

Let's all pull together and we can cross the line as one.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 14, 2017, 12:52:12 PM
Thanks guys for those awesome supportive words.

I'm writing with a flu muffled head...

Perhaps this forum is what will be the difference between this streak and the last one.

That’s so true Big Step – on these devices we can make dreams come true, write novels, create start ups and careers, or we can wank away our time, hurting all those around us.

Thanks Xyz – I suppose there is some complacency, recently I recorded some small victories like not having to have P blocks on when alone with my phone which enabled me to do some work. i guess I have to be ready for that 1 out of 10 moment when I won’t be able to be as strong as I would have hoped. As for the 60 day mark, I feel that urges come in waves – there are lots of good days around this time, but this is a very long term habit we’re giving up, so our brains are bound to punish us with pains along this journey, even after the 90 day mark, I’m sure. Watched a good nofap video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-PiQasSkXY - about a guy saying how rewiring the brain is no small thing, and the whole process takes a long time, relapses included. I just hoped I had my last one behind me. But hey, on this journey, the first thing I should be able to accept about myself is that I’m far far from perfect. I can see I've had amazing progress, things like lazy sundays where I don't do much - but there's no porn involved. Sundays with nothing to do used to be based around watching porn.

Things are looking good and the day is looking clean. Really looking forward to having a few clean days under the belt, then it will really feel like the blip really was just a blip.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 15, 2017, 10:44:03 AM
I'm back with a full clean day in the bag :)

Feeling over my cold too. Only suffered for a couple of days. I remember a few years ago, I had an annoying cold that stuck with me for a couple of weeks - of course during that time I wasn't up to doing much except PMO'ing - very likely I was wasting a lot of life force that I should have been saving for recovery.

Feeling cautiously good - that I'm back in my no-porn lifestyle and routine. Need to be extra careful as relapse memories are quite fresh in my mind. What's promising is that it shows how these memories can fade after a few weeks clean.

I feel like I've mastered an early step in recovery - if life is going well and I can deal with stress well, I can deal with urges, make progress, and not watch porn. my next problem is dealing with stress and discomfort in a healthy way. There's a good nofap academy vid where Mark talks about 'the master habit', which is embracing discomfort. If we chase our discomfort, we gradually stretch our comfort zone. Start choosing the hard and right thing to do, over the easy thing.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 16, 2017, 07:03:05 AM
Another clean day in the bag  :)

Feeling good today - the bright sunshine might have something to do with that. I'm feeling rewarded from work and enjoying wholesome hobbies like making music, so it doesn't feel like the relapse has set me back to square one, I feel quite detached from it, and that I was able to tweak my recovery method for the better after the experience.

I watched the nofap academy vid where Mark talks about 'have you ruined your progress through relapse?' He uses a great analogy about how letting fantasies run in your head is like picking at a scab, so it will take longer to heal. Now when an urge or an erotic image comes into my head, I breathe and let it go, and I also say: 'indulge that fantasy and you're picking at the scab'. it's really affective, because fantasies are always appealing to indulge in, at least for a few seconds, but the image of picking at a scab is really nasty, and that's what we're effectively doing!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 17, 2017, 06:21:35 AM
Another day in the bag, I'm in that comfortable auto-pilot zone at the moment where P isn't a factor in my life, and life and the small things are rewarding. This new method i mentioned yesterday of not letting fantasies play in my head had been really effective, and it makes me see how much this happens and is a real stumbling block to sobriety. if i think about weird pornographic scenes in my mind, and then urges happen and make me feel miserable, it's my fault! Have to let them go.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: cknfella on February 17, 2017, 07:40:50 AM
Gazz -
Great job man. Keep up the work. It's always hard after a relapse, but I've been encouraged to read about your persistence.
Have you read this? I found it extremely helpful in the fight on fantasies: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com.au/2011/03/cure-your-cravings.html?m=1
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 18, 2017, 07:25:50 AM
Cheers fella!

Great article! I know about not fighting but accepting, but it's great to read it in a new light, with a new story. It's interesting to be in a tug of war with our own brains, because we learn things, then our brains conveniently forget them. I try to have methods of reminding myself of these things - like reading stuff on the forum every day and receiving great links like that one from you. It's funny, despite knowing that information, the urges that where coming up before my relapse were urgent, This urge must be dealt with or it will never go away!!!! My common sense knows this isn't true but it was a pretty difficult fact to remember in those difficult moments!

I Don’t want to sound over confidant, but I feel I have enough experience to know what I had to do to get back to living clean. I’ve been messing around with sobriety attempts for a year or so. i was learning that whole time. at first, my streaks were very short, then I had a long streak, followed by a long relapse, followed by another long streak, followed by (hopefully) the short relapse that just happened. We’re always making progress if we fail forward, ie see why we failed and assess that and change something in our sobriety methods. Accountability to the forum was huge, I had to be humble and accept my failings, and I received support and encouragement, and didn’t really feel like relapsing again after that, I was back in the game. I don't want that to mislead people into thinking, 'Great, I can relapse when I feel like it then get back to rebooting! It wasn't easy and it took a long time to get to this point!'

Another day in the bag :) Have to say, my life has changed so much for the better in 2017. By doing a few tasks each day, which I always neglected back in my PMO days, I'm making things happen in my life and awesome things are starting to happen.  8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: TiramiSu on February 19, 2017, 02:45:12 AM
Hi Gazz,

thanks for your message. These concepts of Tantra are really interesting. I am looking into that.

hope all is well with your reboot
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 19, 2017, 05:58:50 AM
Cheers Tiramisu. I too am looking to recreating my ideas about sexuality after realising the negative effects of porn on my sex life and my ideas about sex and women.

Another day in the bag :) I feel a bit embarrassed about my super positive post yesterday. Just feeling good and celebrating getting through my relapse and coping with chaser urges. I stay humble and knowing this beast is a clever enemy. I'm journaling here every day, and will do for at least all of 2017, and am grateful for the sobriety i'm enjoying.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 20, 2017, 02:54:53 AM
Journalling every day keeps you accountable which I know you know already. Keep going man.

Also, this means a lot to me right now: "Indulge that fantasy and you're picking at the scab'. it's really affective, because fantasies are always appealing to indulge in, at least for a few seconds, but the image of picking at a scab is really nasty, and that's what we're effectively doing!"
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 20, 2017, 04:32:42 AM
Cheers Mikel! I’ve been using it a lot myself lately :)

After some high days, I’m on a bit of a low. Sleeping badly doesn’t help. I’m so irritable, living in a busy city doesn’t help either– every day, the noise, the crowds, the aggression. But also it’s withdrawals. P was such a relaxing mood balancer. I Need to relax and release aggression through meditation. I will be a zen master one day!

Another day in the bag :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: achilles heel on February 21, 2017, 06:31:19 AM
They say: when this happens, remind yourself of your why: here’s my copy and paste: ‘it leaves you feeling empty and worthless, porn blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating the subtleties of life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the porn trance, feeling exhausted and miserable, your self esteem destroyed.’

This is it. Remember when feeling down: You'll never feel as shitty as after relapsing to porn. The further we advance in terms of days clean, the more likely we forget how it felt to relapse. How much regret and emptiness, self-hatred and feeling of being worthless we must endure afterwards and how we wish we hadn't thrown away that progress we already achieved. None of our problems is solved after watching porn. They are still there. They are still to be solved. Your current low will pass!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 21, 2017, 12:41:34 PM
Hi Gazz.

I can entirely relate to the noise factor of living in a big city - it's a very busy place and I struggle to find the still silent place I need to feel truly grounded. I think it will come in time - I certainly find myself in the zone when I'm doing my weekly run - I just need to find time to do that more often.

I'd also suggest not looking back on your porn days with rose tinted specs.

It wasn't really a mood balancer - it was just you placating your brain chimp. You know what your porn use really did for you - it *!&ked you up to the point you ended up here. I think we all need to really remember how destructive it was for us and why we don't want to go back.

Keep with it, you're doing all right!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 21, 2017, 06:13:56 PM
Thanks brave Achilles. depression is so interesting. I remember last night thinking, I feel so awful, can life ever not feel this awful? It's hard to accept we've ever felt any differently in our lives. Here I am today without that awful feeling, just wish I could send a message to yesterday reassuring him that these low feelings pass and it's a necessary part of the reboot.

And Thanks Bigstep. I so needed to hear that. I miss P because my monkey brain thinks I need it to feel good. I have pages of notes - I try to read a bit of them every day - about how p makes me feel, trapped, depressed, empty, numb, no drive, sick... I'm doing and feeling better now in 2017 than any time in the last 10 years. I don't want a ticket to the past thanks very much!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 22, 2017, 06:19:28 PM
Another day in the bag  :)

A pattern for me is - feeling tired and low, I vegg on the couch, I get more low and want to PMO

or...

I start my day right, do productive things, then I want to cram in an exercise session, good chemicals are buzzing, there aren't enough hours in the day for all the things I want to do!

Maybe i have a bad night's sleep, or a problem is stressing me out, and then I have no energy and fall into the first pattern. I have to learn to REST when i'm tired, not vegg. Vegging seems fun - crash on the couch and watch movies and read books... but if i'm really tired I don't really enjoy the time. I think - I shouldn't nap, because that'll spoil the next night's sleep, but after some tough days, yesterday I just napped and caught up with some sleep. I'm not a good napper and felt weird afterwards, but felt good in the long run, and had one of those great days today. Rest, work, gratitude... pretty good combination for a happy day  8)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 25, 2017, 06:33:58 AM
Another day in the bag :)

Urges pop up, a pull in the form of old P scenes flashing in my head. But I'd say i'm in the habit of not PMO'ing - the idea of PMO is appealing but it's not a habitual thing I do now.

Doing a bit of meditation in the morning and before bed. Want to start exercising again, couldn't find time in my schedule last week. Something to improve on next week!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 26, 2017, 06:42:03 AM
I've been doing mediatation in the morning and before bed most of this past week. It does help tremendously. Just got to remember to put into practice what I've learned from that in my day to day life.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 26, 2017, 07:44:02 AM
Hi Gazz,

It really interests me that some of things once seen my so many as being "edgy, alternative, left field, hippy nonsense" are actually such strong tools in having mastery over our lives (and our addictions)

Healthy diet

Regular excercise

Meditation,

Affirmations

I am SO looking forward to incorporating all these into my life. It's taking time, but all the members of this great community have helped me move so much closer to achieving success in my life.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 27, 2017, 05:59:00 AM
Yeah, it's easy to forget these things Mikel :) A good trick is to keep the habit tiny but CONSISTENT. So if you have no time for one of your healthy habits like exercising before work, just do 10 press ups, and 1 minute of meditation. Then you're keeping it up every day you're not breaking the streak.

So true Bigstep. The me of 6 months ago wouldn't believe it to see the me of now. but he also wouldn't believe I'd have hardly PMO'd for over 2 months. It's also a fast changing world, in the last few years we've entered a world of everything happening through apps and technology, having to stare at screens all day for jobs, and things happening so much more quickly, (and of course - high speed internet P) - I think this 'mindfulness' movement is a necessary reaction!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 27, 2017, 08:32:52 AM
Definitely Gazz. A friend of mine who's quite knowledgeable in spiritual matters said to me once, even if you're only meditating once a week you're still doing it regularly.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on February 28, 2017, 10:04:20 AM
Disappointed in myself - I've been looking at P images for the last couple of days.

I've enjoyed a good period of sobriety, and... I don't know... maybe I got complacent and lax. 'It's ok to quickly look' or something. today I realised, I really wanted to look at a P image! It's that old compulsive feeling of being in the addiction cycle. fittingly I stopped writing daily in my journal during that time, as my resolve to stay clean was declining. I'm recommitting as of today. started watching the nofap academy videos again and saw a very fitting one about being strict. It takes hard boundaries. it's that simple. If you get lax, the tricky beast is going to get you. Strictness is faster and simpler. never act on curiosity about looking up a pretty actress or anything like that. The lax life causes pain.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Mikel on February 28, 2017, 10:13:25 AM
That's the thing with relapsing, the images tend to stick in your mind a bit and they're a struggle to shake off. Easy to get complacent and justify the odd look at pictures saying it's ok. I know, I've been there.

Like you, when I'm not journaling so much is when my general behaviour is questionable. It's like being a naughty schoolboy sneaking off and doing something you shouldn't be doing. Trying to hide it from others but deep down the only person your letting down is yourself.

If you don't have the first look, it will be so so much easier.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: jayboy on February 28, 2017, 03:16:01 PM
Hello gazz,
Try not to beat yourself up. Reading what some others seem to put on their blog's. A common suggestion seems to be using their frustration with their self as energy to push their self forward. I Hope you don't feel patronised by this. Good luck. Success WILL come with determination.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 28, 2017, 03:33:57 PM
Gazz, you are spot on! Temptation is the easiest thing to give in to.

I'd suggest working on your reason why. Why not to look at porn, Why to not masturbate, Why you don't want to go back to your old behaviours. Rather than concentrating on the process, I'd work on the reasons.

Good luck with everything you are facing - you know there is support here.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: blackdragonsdg on February 28, 2017, 10:35:33 PM
Temptation will always be present and there is nothing that can be done about that. Giving into temptation is not the end of the world and I bet a lot of people around here have done so. I gave into temptation just last night and looked at pictures of a pretty girl on the internet. As others have said you have to shake it off and keep going. Get yourself a filter for your web browser for your PC, tablet, laptop and phone or whatever device you are using and let someone else set the password for it. Whenever the urge strikes you to do something you know you should not find something to take your mind off of it. Meditate, go jogging, lift weights, go visit a friend, take a short drive around town or anything that will allow the urge to pass.

No matter what happens just keep fighting and you will get to where you want to be.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 01, 2017, 04:49:09 AM
Thanks so much everyone - your words are a real motivator - the perfect balance of love and the kick up the arse I need!

It's been about a day since I indulging in dumb behaviours, so feel like I'm back on the path... maybe more vulnerable than someone with good solid days in the bag. There was a moment of clarity when I got back on the road when I started being strict with myself - don't know if it was getting on the forum and admitting my actions that made them real. previously I was wishy-washy, 'I have to stop doing this, I know it's wrong, but I like to do it anyway. you know this is wrong, it's not a fun hobby, it affects you like a drug, messing with your brain, behaviour, work, relationships and every other element of life...' Then this strict-teacher moment - 'no more chatting with the beast! This stops now! what the hell are you doing! don't even linger on thoughts of P/M/O. weighing how fun PMO is to the consequences is a waste of time. stop screwing yourself over!'

That it's the first of the month will be a good motivator to get some clean days in the bag, at which point I know things start to feel easier
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: believe on March 01, 2017, 06:23:45 AM
Nothing much interests me. I feel uninspired and low. 'Why bother doing that?' 'I don't feel anything.' 'Everything is boring.' This is how life feels after 10 years in a porn trance. I don't feel this way all the time. I don't dwell on the crap feelings, I don't fight them either. I let them pass. I know I can get back my zest for life after rebooting. I generally know what a miracle it is to be alive, and how lucky I am in my life. So I'm looking forward to drowning the dopamine addict with 3 months of sobriety so I can feel grateful to be alive all the time.

I hear you man: but that's what you have to go through. REMEMBER: At the end of this tunnel/journey your real emotions, motivation, the greatest yourself is waiting. Just keep going and never look back, every time you feel kind of empty and demotivated, talk to yourself and say "this is the path to get to the best version of myself".

We are always here to hear your thoughts and we are always here at your back, keep sharing your feelings and not be afraid to find yourself human. We are all humans with all our weaknesses and problems, but for sure our human nature can bring us to a higher level, the one we are all born to achieve and we are also lucky to be born in that side of the world where we don't have to survive but we can just decide to be successful with ourselves, and express the best side of our personality.

I can promise, you will vibrate at the end of the journey, you will feel energetic and yourself and other ppl around you will definitely feel it.

Keep going, never look back
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 02, 2017, 05:04:13 PM
Thanks so much Believe - those are some awesome words!

Clean day in the bag, feeling good and that I’m back on the team. Go team!  :) ;D 8)

I was thinking about my recent wobble(s). A big reason I want to stay clean is PA has completely halted my life (Or is it a convenient thing to do when I don't want to live my life??). When I spend my time PMOing, I have no passions, no motivations, no love in my heart, etc, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. It saps everything out of me. So I focused and got some weeks clean, and I started feeling loads better, and I had more time, and it was natural to do awesome, productive things in that time. I was being healthier, happier, doing better work and so on.

But then! ...lazy me appeared, even though PA was relatively out of my system – I didn’t feel like working, especially the building of dreams kind of work that no one pays me for.  And PMO was always my place to hide from the real world. So I realise P is partly the cause and also the consequence for all the shit in my life.

In the William thread, he often says – sort out your PMO problem by a long stretch of sobriety, then sort you life out. I feel relatively extricated from compulsive PMO use. Now it’s time to sort my life out. it’s tough being self employed, creating my income every day from nothing instead of working for a paycheque. But I’ve created the life I want cos I never liked having a boss. Early mornings and starting the day well helps – but it’s always a battle with the other ‘morning me’ who doesn’t want to start the day right and would rather have a lie in every day.

There's a version of me who's going to defeat the PMO beast. he's dynamic, hardworking and successful. The laid back dude that my mum always used to call lazy isn't going to be able to succeed; I have to leave him behind. I never thought i'd say this, but mum was right all along!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Airedalehappy on March 02, 2017, 07:18:19 PM
Keep your head up mate. There's no denying this is a tough thing to kick and it makes you feel pretty shit sometimes. But you will get through this. The dynamic, successful, hardworking side will win over eventually.

I hear you about the battles in your head between different sides of you, I really do. I used to have horrendous battles in my head between successful hardworking side of me and the lazy, downbeat, PA side of me. The battles do hurt a lot, although The longer I have been without P the more they seem to have gone away. The way I tried to deal with them is to think that on some sort of level my brain is making me feel bad, so that I go seek out the thing that makes me feel good.

There's no denying it hurts but you will get there!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 03, 2017, 02:01:32 PM
Cheers Airedale!

I do feel great progress and like I've changed a lot. realizing I have to leave the old 'laid back' me behind and have more drive in life is part of that. It's like Tony Litster says on his awesome free no-porn course (http://curethecraving.com/), realizing you have a PMO problem and dealing with it can be a calling card to a better life.

Great day today. I was inspired by the No Fap academy video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7jJ6KSIiIU&index=2&list=PL38uJEf-kRcYmtGrpSeygvD7XhXm7jI3b) about 'the Master Habit', ie getting into the habit of doing the hard/ right thing to do, over the easy/ comfortable thing. He suggested starting a journal and listing every time you do the right thing and every time you do the easy thing. I didn't feel like getting up early this morning, but I thought about the journal I was going to start today, so I got up, exercised, started the day right, did rewarding work, and got shit done, and it feels great, happy chemicals buzzing all over the place. I remain humble - I know there are good days and bad. bring it on!

I'm going away over the weekend, so I know I won't be tempted (which is also progress - being in someone else's house wasn't always a deterrent for me to at least MO), will be good to get a couple of easy days in the bag. So wishing everyone a good weekend. stay clean!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Airedalehappy on March 03, 2017, 06:49:07 PM
Good work today gazz, have a good weekend!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 05, 2017, 12:43:31 PM
Cheers mate!

Weekend went well. Think I'm getting back into the groove of the clean life. When you can think rationally, urges aren't as strong, because you can see clearly the PMO life is watching something sexy followed by feeling AWFUL and destroying reward receptors and all the bad stuff.

Just discovered this thread: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0, an advice 'hackbook'. I'm sure it will have some illuminating advice. I've enjoyed reading it so far this weekend - as it feels good to always be reading some kind of reboot literature - reinstating what our intentions are every day. Warning - the first 2 chapters feel quite pointless, just stating how AMAZING the book is going to be. But hey, I was stuck on a train so I didn't mind :)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on March 05, 2017, 02:57:54 PM
Hey Gazz,

Well done on your rebooting so far.

I've read the book, and found it really useful. I won't make any reference as you've only started but I have to say I really enjoyed reading it.
I'd be interested to hear your view once you've finished it.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 07, 2017, 08:20:38 AM
Thanks mate!

Please! don't worry about spoiling the ending or anything, i'm happy to hear anything you have to say!  :) now I've got past the long intro, it's great. Stating stuff I'm kind of aware of - yes, P has destroyed my reward receptors - but saying it in a fresh way that it's really hitting home. 

8) Ah, spring is in the air, makes such a difference. Can take a walk when urges hit, and it's actually pleasant; wasn't the case for the last 5 months.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 08, 2017, 04:52:39 AM
Starting the day right, choosing to do the less comfortable thing... has been setting up a good foundation for clean days.

I might have previously said this but... After a recent relapse, I realised that 'Do Nothingism' is a big enemy of mine that I have to defeat. In the past I've 'enjoyed' living every day like it's Sunday afternoon. When I started this sobriety journey, I battled withdrawals and the different reasons why P urges were strong for me. i thought - P has created everything that is shit in my life - i have low moods, i'm not achieving anything and so on. if i break the P cycle, all my dreams will come true. But giving up P is only the first step on this journey to the clean life (for me anyway). I'm lazy, and i 'suffer' from 'Do Nothingism'. i choose to do the comfortable thing (ie nothing), and then i feel low and depressed. This makes P urges appear, and I'll then indulge in P and that exacerbates the depression.

I'm glad I've singled out my beast. So like the rest of you, I'm vigilant every day to strangle the P Beast within me, but also i have to be vigilant to kill the 'Do Nothingism' beast too!

Also, I've been getting lax recently. I've MO'd a couple of times (which is fine for people who want to do that, but i want to go at least 90 days without, for personal reasons), and I've gone down internet rabbit holes for no other reason than an alluring image has pulled me that way. SO I NEED TO UP MY GAME AS OF TODAY. this is day one of a stricter, more disciplined run. And in 2 weeks, i get to the end of my 90 days finish line. Then i plan to start another 90 day streak - which hopefully won't include any kind of relapse. Because it's all about staying in the game and the progress!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: jayboy on March 08, 2017, 12:09:36 PM
Well done on pinning down your trigger. I read on YBOP that empty days make temptation harder to resist. That's the main reason that I have been filling my days with loads to do. Keep up the good work.
I too am trying to go the 90 days also for no other reason that to ensure that in the future the only fantasy I have will be natural and from my head..... Not a mirror of what I have seen on a computer screen. Seems a long way away, but I am sure that the reward will be worth the battle..
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 09, 2017, 04:14:27 AM
Cheers mate :) Think things are getting clearer and I'm getting closer to forming into the person I want to be

enjoying the 'hackbook' I mentioned a couple of posts ago. it's taking me a while as reading on my computer is a challenge (obviously guys like us shouldn't be staring at computer screens all evening).Sure, it's covering stuff I know (so far) - how much time in my life have I wasted? how many times did I not really show up or be my authentic self? how much money has it cost me because i'm not doing tasks I should? (goodness - that last one scares me)

But it's all really hitting home. I think identifying that 'do nothingism' is just as much my enemy as P is a big step forward, and i'm ready to hear this stuff. Will try to find an hour today to get in some more reading.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 10, 2017, 05:37:43 AM
Another clean day in the bag  :)

An early start in the morning, and though I cant exercise much because of an injury, i'm doing a daily yoga sequence which i'm finding quite a challenge - feels good to be doing this daily and having some kind of exercise streak going. Weather brightening in the UK too - actually had a WARM DAY yesterday - felt great.

with a clear head and a heart full of gratitude for the amazing things in life (now that PA isn't screwing up my reward system), the slow but sure progress i'm making in my work and creative endeavours feels so rewarding.

I'm enjoying the advice 'hackbook' http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0
Last bit I read is about stress. How P makes our comfort bubble so small that every small thing in life can stress us and put us in a panic. so we want to stay in the P world. the trouble with that is the P world isn't really stress free. we know deep inside that P is wrong, we're ashamed of it and would hate for people and loved ones to know about our habit/ addiction. and as we become numb to the P we watched in the past and seek stronger porn - this is a big stress on our hearts too. so we watch more P because we think it relaxes us and helps with the stress!...

I'm really feeling my urges fade as I read these truths.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 12, 2017, 06:32:40 PM
Had an awesome weekend - full of energy, doing rewarding things and really making things happen for me this year.

I was a teen when my family got cable and I first discovered its delights after midnight. ever since I labelled myself a 'tired guy' and never had any motivation or energy.

10 years ago I discovered P-tubes and my life has been stagnant in so many ways since. I wish I could go back and warn myself of what was happening - all that lost time and destroyed relationships. Well, I have to transmute that regret and turn it into the motivation I need today. who knew something so silly could be so serious??
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: anhaedra on March 13, 2017, 05:37:20 AM
I feel like that exactly. I was moved reading this.

However, sometimes I have doubts. Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels. There have been days or moments during my reboot so far that had me feel delighted, special even. But they have been rare. Most of the time it's just same shit, different day.

I'm not the kind of guy that spends his entire weekend doing good stuff. Helping people, being a saint. It's just not who I am. No reboot is ever going to change that.

I dunno, man.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 13, 2017, 06:24:55 AM
Hi Gazz,

I can relate to the last post in this thread - anhaedra hits a number of nails on the head for me.

I certainly feel more prepared to look the world in the eye than at any point in my porn usage years. It's a bit like the classic song "Walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye!" Some days I feel like I've defeated the worst challenge I've ever faced, and in many respects I think I have. On those days, I feel ivincible.

Other days, I feel lonely, discouraged, tempted, low, broken. I look back on the trail of devastation my porn habit has left in my wake and I feel like shit. It's hard to then break out of the slump. This weekend has very much been like that. Facing some health issues of my own certainly doesn't help.

Still, I soldier on - I hope I'll find a bit more resolve and drag myself out of this particular rut.

Good luck with your reboot - it's really encouraging to read of your successes.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 13, 2017, 12:05:28 PM
Cheers guys.

Sorry to hear about your challenges Bigstep, you know if these challenges came up in the past when you were PMOing, they would only be that much more difficult to deal with.

‘Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels.’

I don’t know either as I’m hacking away in a forest myself :) I hate it when times are rough. Hell, my last relapse was triggered cos I wanted to escape the annoying symptoms of a cold. But now I’m at least enjoying the good/ easy times – time off work/ sunshine / being with the wife – and I wasn’t achieving that simple aspect of life while in the cycle of addiction.

I don’t know if life will magically improve once you quit PMO; maybe you have to do that yourself-work on improving your life. Thing is I didn’t have the motivation or inclination to do anything about it while I spent my energies PMOing. Now I simply see what I want and work towards it, like most people who don’t act like addicts. But hey, I’ve only been in this game a few months.

The hack book has so many good points – I’d recommend it to all. I’d love to break down a lot of what it says but it was a pain reading it all on a phone, so I didn’t set myself that task. (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0)

The main crux of it at the moment is – withdrawals aren’t so bad if we leave ‘feeling deprived’ behind. I have difficult withdrawals when I think of the ‘amazing relaxing energizing buzzing hit’ of PMOing. But PMOing isn’t those things – it directly causes me depression, cos when it’s over I realise I was reaching for something that wasn’t there, and you’re never satisfied, etc. It exhausts me and gives me a painful brainfog... So what are you feeling deprived about? If you’re feeling deprived, then you’re ‘jealous’ of all the guys on the forum who are in the chains of the cycle and who desperately want a way out.


Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: believe on March 14, 2017, 06:57:41 AM
Yes gazz, your life magically improves when you quit PMOing.

The only thing is, trust my sentence, until the results will show in front of your face, but you need patience and trust.

I have been there a few times, before screwing up everything again for the nth-times and starting all over again, and being there rebooted and energized feels like being at the top of the mountain. But results won't appear fast, so you need to keep going through rough and sometimes even confusing periods in order to get to free-land or betterlife-land.

Everything will disappear, brainfog and withdrawals will be gone forever, just allow your body and brain to be restored as you have been affecting them for so many time. In this process feel blessed and grateful that our body is so amazing that it even allows us to go back to normality if we give them enough time.

Keep going, never look back!

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 15, 2017, 05:35:52 AM
Thanks Believe.

I should have said all that myself.

Of course! ...Everything is amazing when we’re out of the addiction cycle. For one thing, I don’t act like an addict. I’m not angry at the world because it isn’t like a porno, I’m not irritable with people when I can’t get what I want immediately, I’m not angry at my wife if she doesn’t feel like having sex (and yet I was the one who mostly didn't feel like sex, so how unjust was that?!)

There’s all the sciency stuff – porn changes our brains! We’re flooding it with god knows how much more dopamine than it can handle. We screw up out reward centres so nothing feels rewarding. P numbs me to people and my relationships and saps my energy and motivation

Etc etc etc .................

I’m coming to the end of the hackbook (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0), and it has blown my mind. It makes the great point which fits into what I was saying above. P isn’t a pleasure. It is an addiction. Our brains react to it like it does to hard drugs. We think we’re receiving pleasure, but all we’re really getting is relief from the withdrawals from finishing our last session. We’re just trying to get to a place where we’re not feeling that stress. Non PMOers call that ‘normal’.

I urgently recommend the hackbook to everyone. A very clever writer has adapted Allen Carr’s famous ‘how to stop smoking’ method. I can’t give away too much, because reading the book is a process in itself. This humble helpful man has written it all out and put it on this forum for free – I feel like it should be a bestseller. I started reading the original ‘non smoking’ guide last night though I’m a non smoker, just cos I felt so excited and such a change in myself.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: harpoon on March 15, 2017, 07:02:57 PM
Hi Gazz. Thanks for the advice on the hackbook ;) I like what you said above - "...all we are getting is relief from the withdrawals" so true.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 20, 2017, 09:38:34 AM
Cheers mate!  :)

So yesterday was my 90 days milestone. I relapsed for a couple of days around the 2 month mark and decided to get back on the wagon and push to 90 days instead of starting again at 0. I didn’t go down the ‘chaser’ road like I have on previous relapses. the relapse was a horrible experience – a ‘perfect’ last time really. I believe I’ve left PA behind for good. It’s not a ‘bad habit’, it’s a horrible addiction to a drug. I have no reason to go back.

Things are that clear for me now. It’s been a long journey. 3 key moments in the journey for me were:

1. Doing the www.curethecraving.com course –about improving yourself, starting to do things like meditate, have a better diet, practice yoga (perfect at my age where proper exercise usually injures me!), being peaceful and enjoying nature. Now I was ready and equipped to...

2. Join the forum and read the William thread – about the nature of and drowning out this addiction – being on the forum and connecting to a lot of people/ sharing ideas and support is a big part of that. the forum was a good go-to place instead of my favourite P websites. Watched all the nofap academy videos too – lots of good advice.

3. Reading the hackbook (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0) based on Allen Carr’s popular quit smoking method – now I accept that I won’t go back, so stop missing the addiction, because doubts/ feeling sorry for myself/ being negative about ‘losing’ PMO (as if it’s a good thing) creates difficult ‘pangs’ (withdrawals or urges).

At the moment I'm just reading Allen Carr literature (some good vids on YouTube too) - because I see so many parallels between porn and cigarettes - both a harmful 'habit' (actually an addiction) that we're consuming against our own will, that our intellect knows we should drop
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: blackdragonsdg on March 20, 2017, 07:09:43 PM
Congratz on your 90 day milestone.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 28, 2017, 08:35:18 AM
cheers mate!

Things are going well, I'm not counting clean days, and not getting urges – which is almost scary, as I’ve related my self to seeing almost everything in life sexually for my entire adult life. I learned that PMO is an addiction, there is nothing pleasurable about addition, addictions have to be dropped, there’s no haggling with something you have no control over. I’ve been reading the YBOP website (quite hard to read as there are so many links in each article to other articles!). Stuff I kinda knew, but it blows the mind – P causes brain changes. BRAIN CHANGES! by watching porn we are creating another, shittier version of ourselves.

Anyway, I wanted to write a journal post cos I was decluttering old diaries – have about 10 years worth in a drawer. Goodness. 10 years of PA entries. the same shit, almost every day for 10 years! ‘I’m so depressed! I’ve been P binging! I have to get myself together. I’ve had 2 good days... damn, I relapsed!  I’m so depressed!........’

I had no idea things were so bad for so long and I just wish I could go back and help this guy out who’s been suffering for so long.

The last ‘urge’ I had recently was a little voice saying, ‘No one's around! why don't we do that little pleasure trip? It’s no big deal’. It’s amazing to think this ‘no big deal’ voice has caused us so much suffering for so long. I’m about to throw all the diaries out, feels like a nice way to start this new happy lifestyle I’ve acquired.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on March 28, 2017, 03:55:15 PM

"by watching porn we are creating another, shittier version of ourselves" well said!! no truer word spoken . That's the truth of this whole thing in a nut shell.

Congrats on your progress, obviously you struggled for a long time before eventually having this success. Great to see!!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on March 29, 2017, 06:21:41 AM
Thanks mate! I'm glad to see your counter suggests you're doing better than you sounded on your last journal entry.

What were your thoughts on The hackbook? It was a big influence for me- I wish I could turn more people onto it but I don't want to sing about 'The Answer' to PA. Of course, it's not 'The Answer', we can always choose to go back if we choose to; battling against our own brain is a tricky business! Of course it's not perfect - you can sense the writer is experimenting with the idea. Nicotine leaves the body in a few days, and withdrawals from P induced dopamine hits are a little different. I actually went on to read the original 'Allen Carr - quit smoking' and it seemed to work perfectly - so relevant to porn addiction. nicotine is an addictive poison that does nothing for us, just as porn is a poison for the brain that destroys our lives.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on March 29, 2017, 04:58:39 PM

I thought the book was a very interesting read. I loved that it wasn't the typical scare factor of deltafos b on the brain etc.. more like the reason we PMO is to relieve the pangs of the previous session. It really made a lot of sense.

My favourite part was the cold sore analogy. Where you keep using the cream to try to heal the cold sore and the cold sore just keeps grow all over your face. So one day you find out that the cause of the cold sore is actually the cream you are using. all you need to to do to heal yourself from this horrific situation is stop using the cream. If you stop using the cream, in a relatively short period of time you will be healed for the rest of your life. You'd stop using the cream right?

That's the reality for us too.
All we need to do to cure ourselves from this lifelong disease is stop using p

I know what you mean about not wanting to sing about "the answer " to PA.. I think we all know there's no magic bullet,  but I would also highly recommend anyone here to read it
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on April 16, 2017, 04:13:49 PM
I've been a going a good long time without PMOing. I don't count the days anymore. Maybe it's +90 days. After a lot of work and reading, the final piece of the puzzle was the hackbook (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0) based on Allen Carr’s popular quit smoking method. A big part of that is realise PMO is simply brain-poison and to vow you won't PMO again. When you get weak and think, 'maybe I could,' that creates a tug of war in your brain, then urges begin... then it's hell trying not to PMO, or it's the hell of PMO'ing. So it's been weeks of feeling eerily fine. I've not been on the forum much, and I don't think about PMOing or sex or nofap much. I'm able to think about other things, but I know it's all there in the dark recesses of my mind, so I stay focused on life, healthy habits, love and work (knowing the longer the distance between me and PMO, the more my brain rewires). Just read these two lines from another thread and they fit me perfectly:

The reboot and nofap kind of liberated me from this oversized, omnipresent monster which controlled my mind for so long.

After 3 months I stopped my journal and I stopped counting days and stuff. I started to focus on life instead on the reboot. It helped me to normalize the reboot.


Anyway, problem is, the wife is going away for a couple of days and leaving me home alone. I work at home which means I only work if I choose to. The stupid thought entered my mind - you could relapse. Just letting that thought back in starts the tug of war and suddenly I feel sick and nervous. I managed to talk back to that tempted voice - relapsing means all that bad shit that goes with unzipping your fly and going into a pixel trance. just wanted to get back on the forum for these difficult days coming up. healthy habits! healthy life! a life free from being a wanker!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: David Albert on April 17, 2017, 07:01:57 AM
Hey there, I think you have captured the essence of all this process so well, I admire you  :)

I, myself, am in a similar place to yours and I hope we continue on this road of living our lives in a healthy manner and not feel like we are in recovery forever. Being able to get out of recovery is just as important, if not more important, than the recovery itself.

Great work, keep it up !  :D

P.S. so much power and wake up call in this sentence : "a life free from being a wanker!"
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on April 20, 2017, 12:12:14 AM
Cheers David! That means a lot coming from someone with such an inspiring thread. I got through the time alone will ample opportunity and that feels great.


Grass has grown over the addictive pathways and though I was worried, the thought of P didn’t even do much for me. I guess I've rewired the brain and the brain it accepts the truth now that P is poison. I won’t get complacent – this is the trickiest enemy. But damn i'm happy about this progress.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: blackdragonsdg on April 22, 2017, 10:29:06 AM
After 3 months I stopped my journal and I stopped counting days and stuff. I started to focus on life instead on the reboot. It helped me to normalize the reboot.

That just makes so much sense. Normalizing the reboot by just living life. That is truly inspirational. Thanks for posting that Gazz.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on April 27, 2017, 11:26:03 AM
Cheers mate,

It's a strange feeling, having drowned the beast somewhat. I can walk around and don't want to undress every woman I see. It feels weird and like I'm missing something. I'm getting older too, and it feels sad to be letting go of an immature part of me. But this is the natural way. Normally people let go of being a horny teenager in their youth. P makes us guys in our 30s no different to a horny teen. It's strange to realise we should grow out being so sexually obsessed, but the dark place that P has taken us to means we must do our best to drown the beast with months of conscious sobriety, and accept becoming an adult and getting older! Anyway, getting older is realising life is deeper than physical sensations and shallow kicks, it's about appreciating deeper, more important things.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: 32 on April 30, 2017, 10:44:38 AM
Hi Gazz,

I've read some of your most recent posts and just wanted to say it's inspiring. well done!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on May 05, 2017, 11:29:45 AM
Cheers mate!

sadly I've relapsed and am 'back in the forum' so to speak. I had a long run of sobriety where urges weren't so strong and I felt like i'd rewired my brain because I KNEW THE TRUTH - that PMO'ing makes you feel worse than you did before.

I don't know what the trigger was, except that maybe my guard wasn't up enough. I 'decided' I wanted to relapse and just did it. you know how when you want to relapse - you keep your brain quiet because you don't want to hear any rational arguments?

Of course now I feel like crap - emotionally, physically... I feel like a hopeless addict in chains ('is this another year of my life that PMOing is gonna screw up??')

But I know that talk doesn't help. got to see the progress I've made, to keep on fighting, and start again I guess. I thought all the sobriety would mean I could turn things around immediately. but I relapsed the next day, and the next... guess that's why they call it an addiction cycle.

So here I am, calling today Day 0. I'm going to look at my discipline, my routine, and myself, and try to get one day clean, then 5, then hope to feel like I'm back in the game
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: harpoon on May 05, 2017, 12:37:42 PM
Hi Gazz, your an inspiration to many a rebooter, your encouraging words have kept myself on the reboot path quite a few times.

Get that first day behind you m8  ;)
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on May 08, 2017, 07:46:33 AM
Thanks so much mate, i'm almost there  :D

...Half a day in the bag!

Who knows how long we will be susceptible to this. If it’s a lifetime, I’ll remain vigilant for a lifetime.

I’m ‘enjoying’ a lot of nofap YouTube vids (and reading on the forum of course) -  loads of ppl going through the same thing with loads of good advice. I've been guilty of 'binging' on this stuff in the past. We have to have a Marathon mentality (a term I picked up from a good nofap vid). I used to participate on this forum so much at one sitting, and I used to watch loads of nofap vids and make notes about stuff I had to remember. But we won’t always feel that intense about how important nofap is to us. We have to be consistent and think about nofap every day. I just watched another good vid about how going onto a forum helped someone with their urges; their tricky brain was saying, 'just one time is ok', they were nearly convinced - but they managed to remind themselves what this nofap journey is all about. These are tools and resources which are always there. We don’t need to ‘binge’ on them. Gradually take in this information while we’re on the journey.

Apologies I kept saying ‘we’ on this post, I guess I meant ‘I’ ,but I feel a sense of ‘we’ whenever I’m on the forum – we’re all in  this together after all! Have a great, sober day every one
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on May 08, 2017, 08:31:58 AM


Despite only having a half day in the bag, you are in a good place. You have already done an enormous amount of work during your recent re-boot. Far greater than most people succeed in a lifetime. Let's face it, the end goal here is to re-wire our brains that have become dependant on PMO.

I'm no expert but I would imagine despite your recent blip, your brain is well on it's way to being re-wired.. you just have to start clocking up those "clean" days again just like before!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on May 09, 2017, 08:32:48 AM
Thanks Mr Webb! The relapse - which went on for a few days! ...was demoralizing - It's like you come up with a new method... and it lasts a period, and you end up back at square one.

But... 1 day in the bag!! :)

And I'm surprised how good I feel. I thought it would take longer to get out of the hole. i'm focused; I rationally and emotionally don't want PMO; But I'm going to be disciplined and take each day as it comes, focused and willing to do whatever it takes to make a streak that lasts forever.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on May 10, 2017, 03:47:16 PM
2 days in the bag  :)

something that feels great and is working really well for me is the DUAL APPROACH! It's nothing new or clever, … but it’s one of those things that takes time to really understand. It’s like when you first turn up on this forum and hear people say, 'Don't think about not watching porn!' You don't get it, because not thinking is what makes you end up in a cycle of bad habits. But you learn and fail and eventually these things make more sense.

So... the DUAL FOCUS APPROACH!

Focus 1 - not PMO'ing, letting bad moods pass, letting sexual thoughts pass, exercise, getting outside, avoiding triggers
Focus 2 - improving your life and finding meaning (because as so many say - 'P is not the problem' )

For 3 months I was doing pretty well with just Focus 1. But I couldn't get going with Focus 2. Sure, I was trying, and I wanted a better life and more meaning, but I couldn't find the heart to put the effort in every day. perhaps Focus 1 saps a lot of energy from us, and gives us withdrawals - who knows

I've been reading self development, trying to get my freelance career going, trying to be consistent with routines, motivation and morning rituals... it's been a gradual process, but in the last couple of days I was really feeling it. It took me a while to get here. I think it’s a process. When we try to change our lives/ relationships/ careers/ create meaning in the aftermath of PA, it’s going to be really hard. Our reward circuitry is damaged, our love and empathy is damaged, we’re basically… brain damaged.

I'm hopeful now I can focus on this DUAL approach, now I've experienced a bit of brain healing… I’m pretty excited about life. got to focus on this stuff every day - seems like a way out of this prison 
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on May 12, 2017, 01:17:39 AM

I really like the sound of the dual approach. I think we are all getting the hang of focus 1 as we go. But focus 2 is key, and too often ignored.

I guess in a way it's all interconnected. I mean if we manage to knock the PMO on the head, Then our minds are free to think about normal things and have a renewed focus on life (instead of wondering when we might be able to sculk off and binge). A clear mind and plenty of extra time should present an opportunity to better ourselves and find meaning in our lives.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on May 12, 2017, 04:13:31 AM
Thanks Web!

Exactly. Sadly I often see people arguing on this forum about whether just doing Approach 1 or just Approach 2 is the key. the 2 are very interrelated.

P is an addiction and it's messed up our circuitry. You may have an amazing life, but you may have fallen into this addiction without knowing how difficult the consequences would be, so making your life even more great won't change the fact that you have an addiction, and when you try to stop you will get withdrawals, and NOT PMO'ing is a huge goal and very hard to achieve. Healthy routines, good habits, tools, information, will power, discipline... are needed for this.

The other Approach is just as important. I've seen many forums posts say - 'I've done 90 days - now what?' Life is short. Work out what you want in this life and live your life with gratitude, ambition and other good stuff; and this may be just as hard as Approach 1

more clean days in the bag  ;D
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Firstbigstep on May 13, 2017, 10:31:14 AM
Gazz,

You've been there for me in the past - I've been off the forum for a bit for a number of reasons. I struggle at times to maintain any kind of positive outlook and the past few weeks have been particularly challenging for no particular reason.

You've acted as a great sounding board and inspiration for me and no doubt for many others here. I've lapsed in a minor way and dragged myself back on track a couple of times. if there's any way I can help you - feel free to ask.

Well done on reassuming the position!

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on June 24, 2017, 06:36:20 AM
Hi all - I've been away... fapping unfortunately. It's been on and off, but it certainly hasn't been a clean lifestyle, and everything else in my life suffers. I've got some affirmations I'm reading daily. I've been reading how reminding yourself daily of YOUR TRUTH, when you do the opposite thing, ie PMO, there is a dissonance - you think, 'I shouldn't be doing this, this isn't right.' that's what we have to do - leverage by connecting what we want to give up to pain, and connect being PMO free to pleasure/ happiness. I've pasted my affirmations below - I edited them as the more personal bits wont make any sense. today is DAY 1. NO FAP!


YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY, BUT WHAT’S THE ONE THING YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP? THE ANSWER IS: PMO.

PMO MAKES YOU SLUGGISH, DEPRESSED, LIE ON THE BED IN EXHAUSTION, GO FOR 'OLD MAN WALKS',

PMO FUCKS YOUR HEALTH, RUINS YOUR CAREER, COSTS YOU 10,000s OF POUNDS, TAKES AWAY YOUR ENERGY

PMO CAUSES BRAIN DAMAGE, EVERY TIME YOU DO IT, YOU DESTROY GREY MATTER AND CARVE A PATH IN YOUR HEAD THAT DOESN’T FEEL NORMAL REWARDS OR STIMULATIONS, AND EFFECTS MEMORY AND CONCENTRATION,

EVERY TIME YOU RESIST, YOU ALLOW GRASS TO GROW ON THE PATH. PICTURE IT!: JUST FROM RESISTING AND WINNING ONE BATTLE, YOUR BRAIN IS REPAIRING, YOUR MEMORY AND INSPIRATION AND GOOD MOOD IS IMPROVING,

IMAGINE FEEDING YOUR BRAIN GOOD, INSPIRING THINGS.

IMAGINE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING YOU'RE PMO FREE

IMAGINE GROWING STH FRUITFUL IN YOUR LIFE

I’M NEARLY 40 AND I CAN NOW SEE MY LIFE AS AN ARC. I WALK BESIDE MY OWN MORTALITY. IT’S TIME TO GET SHIT DONE. TRUE – I NEED TO BUILD MUSCLES/ DISCIPLINE AND WON'T BECOME AN OVERNIGHT SUPERMAN, BUT THE THING I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO IS CHECK OUT INTO A PMO TRANCE

ONE QUICK RELAPSE? THERE’S NO SUCH THING. IMAGINE THIS: YOU'LL BE SAYING GOODBYE TO THE DAY – MAYBE THE REST OF MONTH LIKE YOU DID THIS JUNE. HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS? UNLESS YOU SUCCEED TODAY (COS TODAY IS ALL THAT COUNTS) YOU CAN KEEP GOING, AND GOING...

IT IS AN ADDICTION THAT CONTROLS YOU. YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT YOUR BITCH.

LEVERAGE! SEE PMO AS DEPRESSION, OLD MAN WALKS, FINANCIAL RUIN, A RUINED MARRIAGE AND SEX LIFE (PICTURE YOURSELF BEING CRUEL TO YOUR WIFE – COS THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!), WORRYING ABOUT MONEY AND BEING FRUGAL (COS YOU DON’T MAKE ANY), NOT REPLYING TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY, COS SENDING A TEXT IS TOO MUCH STRESS AND ‘WORK’

SEE PMO MAKING YOU FEEL EMPTY, DESPAIRING, HOPELESS (‘I CAN NEVER BEAT THIS!!’)  AND WORTHLESS, SEE IT BLUNTING YOUR SENSES, SEE GREAT THINGS IN LIFE HAPPENING TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS OR GRATITUDE FOR. SEE IT NUMBING YOUR SENSES. IMAGINE CHASING THE DRAGON, NEVER BEING SATISFIED, AND JUST SCROLLING TO THE NEXT VIDEO... AND THE NEXT, IMAGINE: THE MORE YOU VIEW, THE MORE YOU WANT TO VIEW, LEAVING BEHIND THE INITIAL TRIGGER AND GOING MORE EXTREME IN SECONDS. IMAGINE THAT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH, AND THEN COMING OUT OF THAT TRANCE, WITH NO IDEA OF WHAT ELSE TO DO, AND NO MOTIVATION, SO YOU ONLY WANT TO GO BACK IN THE TRANCE COS YOU CAN’T FEEL OR DO ANYTHING ELSE.

AND IMAGINE LIFE ON NF – ENERGY, HEALTH, SEX, SUCCESS, HAPPINESS, ABUNDANCE – THINK OF IT WITH AWESOMENESS!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: xyz on June 28, 2017, 04:50:02 AM
Gazz, great to see you back here, and sorry to hear about your recent relapses.

Can I offer one observation? And please, take this or leave this - the annonimity we get from these forums is great in some ways, but it also means when we offer advice and observations they may or may not be on the money - you know yourself best!

It seems like you are steadily working yourself up into a crescendo of new and improved tactics, but they seem to be happening in waves. You had a really amazing run, and then relapsed (as we do). Then you discovered the hackbook, and things were looking good. And then you added the focus on the dual approach. And now you have your affirmations.

Each of these things on their own, and together, seem really good and useful - but the subtle sense of an ever increasing desparation and feeling of "okay, now I know exactly what to do!" Is coming across.

I grew a beard recently (bear with me!) and read some stuff about strategies for growing an incredible beard. There are all kinds of amazing articles and videos on this, but the ones that were the most realistic and reasonable of them said, somewhat disappointingly: "To grow a beard, stop shaving. It's that simple."

I feel like we can translate that in some ways to our journey to nofap. Yes, there are really great strategies and techniques, and they have genuine value. But we need to be careful about getting too caught up in coming up with the silver bullet or magic concoction - at some point, we just need to stop PMOing, and never start again.

We need to make the issue of PMO boring - a non issue. I think you've done this before, where you stayed clean for so long you basically just got off the forums for a bit and said, you know what? I'm just getting on with life. I think there's real merit to that strategy. It will take a few relapses, but even then I think it can be good to just get back on the horse and continue on your journey without stressing too much about your riding technique - if you keep getting back on you'll eventually keep riding and one-day just realise you haven't fallen off for a while.

All the best mate! And as I said, take or leave that, just a few thoughts that may or may not help.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on June 29, 2017, 09:46:40 AM

Hey Gazz,
Sorry to hear about your recent struggles, but glad to see you back here and determined to keep up the fight. It's an interesting point made by xyz below, and I can certainly see the logic in the point made. I can see both sides.

It seems to me that everyone shares the same struggle generally speaking. We are trying to quit PMO forever and make better versions of ourselves. That much is pretty clear. However I find it truly amazing the different levels to which people struggle. You will notice that there are some people who come onto this forum and absolutely nail it first time. They check in the odd time to say "it's been 3 months now with no PMO" and everything is great.. Then there are those who get to about a month before relapsing. Then there are some of us who seem to relapse pretty much all the time. Personally speaking I have never gotten past 17 days, and I have tried over 30 attempts at this stage. It's pretty pathetic, but it's true.

So I for one believe that I need to change something in my approach, and every time I relapse I try to analyse what happened, where did I go wrong, where can I improve next time.

Some might say "just fucking quit PMO, it's that simple" - and maybe for some people it is that simple.

I relapsed recently after 2 weeks clean and since then I have been doing a lot of research on mental strength, the power of mindfulness, meditation, breathing techniques. These are all things that I would have dismissed in the past as "nonsense". I'm reading a book called the "unbeatable mind" which is really interesting. I don't believe there is any silver bullet to this. But I do believe I am missing something from my armoury.

For what it's worth, (which might not be much) like the idea of the affirmations. I think that in a dopamine rushed brain, these can give a clear reminder to where you are and what you are trying to achieve.

Anyway I hope whatever strategy you take this time, that it leads to a life free from PMO.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on July 02, 2017, 04:41:19 AM
Thanks guys, I really appreciate the time and thought put into those posts,

Yes - I can see how my 'waves' come across as desperate - especially as my last post was in CAPITALS :)

It's true - you discover new 'tools', like the easypeasy hackbook, like good nofap YouTube videos, and you get a good streak going, knowledge and advice on this is awesome and invaluable. still... one weak moment can always ruin everything; not giving into the addiction is ultimately down to us. 'If it is to be, it is up to me!'

This 'I'm over it attitude' I wrote with a while ago... Yep, I sure do feel silly now. But it's funny, I'm only on day 7 at the moment and really feel good. A small urge came along today, but I know relapse means pain, and I also think about all the things I achieved last week, and how they won't be achieved next week if I relapse. These 'achievements' are only building blocks, I won't create anything unless I'm clean and consistent every week. still, an urge is an urge, and I didn't like that it was there after 7 relatively easy days.

I do know I'm in a good place. I remember a year ago, bewildered, reading these forums and listening to a couple of nofap audios, feeling lost and thinking I'd never be able to climb this mountain. now it seems attainable; the recent relapses weren't necessary, I could have overcome them. This is all good progress, I will fail my way to success!

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on July 04, 2017, 04:40:26 AM
8 days in the bag :)

Morning urges today - I'm susceptible before I'm fully awake, with 'aches and pains' - neck pain, eye pain, brain fog - the half awake brain starts thinking about PMO'ing. It's great to have the daily affirmations in your mind - there's a voice in your head reminding you that fapping doesn't help. Your brain thinks it will, but you know better. I know better than my own brain? this whole this is so confusing.

I wish it was as easy as - if you don't want to PMO, then don't PMO; but if it was that easy, none of us would be here. I'm watching a lot of nofap vids - kind of funny learning stuff and taking advice from kids so much younger than me. There's a good one about experiments on rats (though - disclaimer - experimenting on rats is bad!)... They gave rats a choice of normal food and water, then food and water spliced with drugs - a great buzz that eventually kills them. they chose the drug. but then they gave the rats a good diet and daily exercise, and then the rats chose normal food and water. Another experiment - they put the rats in 'Rat Park', with activities, other rats and other good things... again, these rats chose normal food and water. Conclusion, healthy lifestyle, and creating your own Rat Park (ie a life your excited about) could be the difference when successfully avoiding relapse.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on August 14, 2017, 06:50:30 AM
Hey guys,
a month and a half successful Nofap :) (I call it 'Nofap' now because I watch so many 'Nofap' YouTube videos, great content out there.

I've been off the forum and enjoying sobriety. I'm back on the forum because something tricky has happened. I've been using P blockers. But yesterday I got restless and tried to hack them. Literally - here is a guy battling with himself. I'm trying to hack the P blockers I myself put up! and I hacked them. P blockers are now useless for me. If only I was so good at hacking my own brain!

I came to my senses and managed to avoid relapse, but now I face a whole new challenge. I feel like an alcoholic who lives in a house where there's booze. P is so accessible! I work at home so every day is a challenge. and I know myself, I can have good streaks and then throw it all away in a moment of madness, then I feel hooked and recovery is a distant vague notion. So I really have to change my habits and eg go outside to work. Tonight is my first challenge as I'll be home alone - I'll be thinking up some specific To Dos so I don't get bored.

Nofap. What can I say? There's a void in me, a sadness. PMO'ing until I felt numb was always my reaction, but now I avoid that, and there's that void. I was moved by the death of Chris Cornell, a rockstar who had it all - suicide. They say do work for others, they say love the people in your life, they say be creative, they say have goals and be successful, they say have a family. But that void is always there and I've always eventually 'ran away' from it by relapsing to P, taking that dopamine hit then experience the painful numbness afterward. I've learned that having goals and a daily checklist of things to do (including exercise) is important cos it keeps me out of a Depression-hole, so that's at least something I'm sure of.

I know that feeling low is part of recovery, and I'm learning that feeling low is actually part of life (just read that in 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' - good book). Our ancestors, working on a farm would sometimes feel low, but say, 'Oh well, that's life, better get back to work'. These days we're spoiled, and we distract ourselves with phone apps, shopping, entertainment, P and sex, food and drink, but we do it all to excess because we're running away from negative emotions we have to accept. And they never really fill the void. If we accept it, maybe it won't hurt as much.

I don't know what the answer is.

But I'm chasing my goals, being still, peaceful and balanced, and accepting lows when they come (without running into relapse country).

And I've got a plan for when urges come, now that I have this new access to P. Find a nice spot to sit in, read my favourite nofap quote, meditate, then focus on something else.

PMO leaves you feeling empty and worthless, it blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the trance, feeling exhausted, miserable,empty, your self esteem destroyed.

Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on August 16, 2017, 01:59:42 PM
new challenge going well.

I thought blocks helped me conserve will power and discipline - as people say we only have a finite amount. But without the blocks I know I can never be lax, I can never be casual about even thinking about relapsing, I have to focus every moment on not letting my thoughts stray. It's early days but I've surprised myself I could get this far. We've all got the power in us.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: Web100 on August 17, 2017, 05:48:34 AM
Hey Gazz
It's funny how the mind works. We are literally battling with our own brains! It reminds me of that movie "me, myself and Irene" staring Jim Carey (funny movie btw)
We set blockers for ourselves so that we won't be able to act out and PMO.. Then after a time has passed, this other part of us starts to hack the blockers that we have put in place for our own good and our own safety. It's pretty mental when you stop and think about it.

Good job though on winning the mental struggle so far and not allowing temptation to creep in despite your weakened defence. Sounds like things are back on track for you and all is going well!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: 32 on August 17, 2017, 10:53:39 AM
Well done Gazz, sounds like you're taking back control. Let's both make sure that is what we continue to do.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on August 17, 2017, 03:40:00 PM
Cheers guys :)

Yeah, this fight really reminds me of the old Superman 3 movie - the good versus the bad  :D Ah, good old Richard Pryor

Challenge still going surprisingly well. As I said, no choice but to keep razor sharp focus. Makes me think of a couple analogies. I was good at exams in school. Friends would get nervous but I stayed focused, I knew if I paid attention to how nervous I was feeling inside I'd panic and it would be horrible, so I couldn't even stray a tiny bit away from FOCUS. I've also hiked on some pretty steep mountain edges and realised I was in a tough predicament - once false step and...  :-\ I couldn't go backward, to only thing to do was go forward. in my mind I knew that panicking wasn't an option, it wasn't going to get me out of there. Only thing to do was focus. and no porn blocks... the only option is FOCUS.

great Nofap video I've recently been inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CluXpOlQd_c
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on August 18, 2017, 04:33:41 PM
5 days of this new challenge in the bag :)

Interesting today - this morning I noticed urges were strong. I was tired and achy, images seemed to want to flash through my mind and my body was responding with dopamine buzzes. shit - this wasn't good. I was ready to spend the day at home but knew that was a recipe for disaster and I got out of there.

Outside there was a rainstorm.

But it worked - and there's a world out there I've neglected while being in my PMO world for 20 years. being home alone is appealing because usually it meant endless dopamine surges. now it means getting a bit bored, frustrated and lonely. thought it's always appealing as i'm lazy, and it's easier than going out.

Anyway, my quest for sobriety got me outside and rained on today.

Didn't have time for exercise today, want to get on that tomorrow. never want to leave it too long without a workout.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: toph on August 18, 2017, 05:00:29 PM
glad to hear your motivation. Way to go on getting outside.
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on October 15, 2017, 12:15:02 PM
Hey guys. I think I've done 90days! I've stopped counting, taking each challenge, day , week as it comes. I've come this far before and relapsed, so I'm staying super focused.

Someone asked - is it easy now? Do the urges still come? The answer is - yes. BUT they're easier to deal with. ( but not exactly EASY) Of course P- memories will pop into your head, of course women on beaches on sunny days will trigger you...

As you take this journey, which includes the relapses, you'll learn more and more. Good hacks, good habits, what works for you...

Despite all your hard work, it takes one moment of your own brain saying 'screw it' and you're back in chains. I've learned to be conscious and focused on sobriety all the time. ( this isn't the same as trying not to think about P all day - it's knowing you have to be at your best every day, to exercise, think about your values, create the life you want...)

I had a big urge just yesterday, and I had all my reaction-tools ready. Stillness, awareness, a little physical activity, journalling my thoughts... And common sense won out - I won't feel 'release' afterwards, I'll only want more. There's no 'one last time' , there's only going back to being in chains.

We can get lax after some time in sobriety, I read some reboot stuff every morning to remind myself of the importance of this (which our brains like to conveniently forget)

Stay strong people !!
Title: Re: Committing to Reboot
Post by: gazz on October 22, 2017, 01:06:16 AM
Just had a 2 week vacation and enjoyed sobriety the whole time. Feels amazing. I can look back on past vacations and recall failed efforts - a nice way to mark progress.

But coming home was a real challenge. Back to work and stress and the cold rain. I went from feeling very smug to feeling very challenged. really wanted to just take a curious look at something erotic to numb the stress.

just watched this good Mark Queppet vid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2_hF-6X-mc
about how we condition ourselves to see everything sexually. It's so true, and I still have trouble seeing this from any perspective that isn't sexual. so glad i'm growing and my views and values are shifting. what a great journey.