Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: mobilfreak on November 22, 2016, 03:19:43 PM

Title: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 22, 2016, 03:19:43 PM
Okey, it was the 8th of october, i was at a seminar and listend about self delveloment and during one talk, i feeled alive for the first time for many year. I will describe the feeling as i finally felt i loved myself, and i could throw my old bad life away for good, its up to me. Im been depressed for long time, only some days before the seminar I had convinced myself to jump infront of a train. But at that seminar i changed my mind and i wanted to live. Im religous and had guilt for my faping and PMO'ing for long times, tried to quit, but always failed...

This time one the other hand it was different, i felt like i didnt care about what other people would think of me so i even confessed for my wife about my almost 20 year addiction and my decision to kill myself... She was chocked to hear i wanted to end my life, but she wanted to support med and help me... Thank u wonderfull wife!!

During that time i felt so good, I had controll over myself and i loved the life... My wife liked the new me and was rally happy about it.

It took 39 days, i felt sad, down again, and fell asleep. When I woke up I was M. and the good new me was gone, and the old one ruled my brain and some seconds later i was googling.

I counted it as a relapse, even if it started during my sleep. But then after that, its been so hard to find back to the new me again, and been relapsed again now a week later.

This is my first time with all this education from here and facts about addiction and all. Before i have just wondered why i couldnt stop even if i really wanted.

Now i need help and support to learn more about the struggle. I will reach my 90 days!!!

Any suggestions to get back the motivation, because right now im back to the old "well i did it already so i can do it again" i start again tomorrow. Im happy for the 39 days, its the best for many years. in 2005 i did 6 month.

now i m back to day 0
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 24, 2016, 03:26:11 PM
Some information about me and about my life.

I am 31 years old, married for 9 years, been using sex as painkillers almost all my life. My first memories about sex is from when i am around 3-4 years old. First contact with porn as I remember was when i was about 5 years old. Some friends at the neighbourhood have found a magazine and all guys got their chance to point on a women and tell openly for everyone what we wanted to do. I remember how the older ones laught little and sort of thought that i didnt know what sex was. But my biggest dream at that age was to go down on a girl.

When we moved to a new city and i began school i started to flash myself for the girls in the shower and walk in to their lockerroom after the gymnastics lessons. I also tried to get into the pants on some girls by playing games with them and ask them politly if i could go down. I also at the age of 8-10 locked me in a room with a girl and pushed her into a corner to make her take of my pants and play with me...

When i was about 14 i started to visit my dad, who never lived with my mom, and he got internet, with the great 14,4kpbs modem :)  I was curious about internet and just surfed around and checked all his bookmarks to see what it was. I found one called X-rated, it was full of bookmarks, all screen up to down. At this time I have been started to read the bible and sort of understood that this stuff i found, is not good for me. So I shut it down and tried to stay away. and i belived tha M was wrong to do, so I never did that.

from the age of 14-17 i did regulary flash myself in public but never M. i think i was 17 when i first M. and that made me feel good, my anxiety was gone and i belive that was the begining of the end. one day did the cops showed up at my door and i was arrested for my sexual behaviour. Did start to talk with a therpist, well, that was what i was ordered to do, but it was full, they didnt have time for me, so i never got the help i needed.

I quited flashing but instead i began PMO and camchat. i was still struggling, but I didnt have internet at that time, so my PMO was pretty low, maybe once a month or less, it was not really Porn at that time, it was mostly bikinipics of modells and so, but it was enough to make me feel important. and that feeling is always what i have searching for in mu addiction. to feel like the girl wanted me.

some years later, i was 19, I did work in the same city as my dad, and i lived at his place, and he had now high speed internet, so i worked 15 hours per day at a restaurant, and then chat, had camsex and watched porn during night, i slept maybe 2-4 hours per day. At this time, I found a girl, and she liked me, so we started to date and it was pretty serious, so i taought to myself, i cant keep on with this behaviour if i gona hava a girlfriend, so i quited everything. It was pretty easy, but my life was also great, I had a job, a gf who liked me and we had really fun together. After 6 month i found her diary and i read it, i was curious about what she would write about me. What I did find was that she wrote about another guy that she liked. I asked her about this, and she said she was sorry, and she wanted to be with me. So we stayed together, but this event made me start PMO again. And after that i have never been able to really quit. Mostly it have been once a month, but in short periods it have been up to 3 or 4 times a day.

I did told her about my history with the cops during the 6 months i was free from porn , but i never told her i started watch porn again. That girl is today my wife, and the 6th of october i told her about my addiction, that it have never stopped. At this time i was very sucidal and i had planned to end my life, but i changed my mind and told myself to try to tell her instead, so I did, and she was sad ofcourse, but mostly chocked about my plan of ending my life.

Right before i talked to her i was PMO'ing 3-4 times a week. I have talked with several therapist and shrinks, everyone agrees that it must have been some sort of childhood trauma in my life. probably abused before i was 4 years old.

Because of my belifes I have tried to quite several times during the years, and I have heard that my depressions is because of me using. But i have noticed that that I keep getting depressed even if i dont using. and i do feel low once a month. I have been invetigated if i had Bipolar, but they wasn't sure. Now im with a therapist who use Transcation Analyzis, and this have helped me alot, I also been reading about sexaddiction and found out that the 97% of the sexaddicted real problem are in reality codependency from childhoodtraumas.

Right know i stuggle with my PMO, i do feel the withdrawls, but i cant really know if it is withdrawals, or if it is the underlying problems. one thing is still true, i will quit PMO for good, becasue it have not helped me in my recovery from my childhood traumas, ity have not helped me in my marriage or my relashionship with God.

lets beat those 39 days and make a complete reboot. The thing is, a reboot is made to make the brain to what it was before porn, and im afraid that my and brain never been in that state because of the traumas.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 24, 2016, 07:24:47 PM
im feeling like im quit one addiction and begin another, today i made a drink and swept all at once, i just feel all this sadness amd pain inside, and i cant handle it...
Some of you talk about PEID, i never heard about it before, and i dont have problems with it either, but man, i cant cry and get in contact with my inner feelings, i have difficulties to talk about my inner fellings because im been betreyd som many times. And all this ends up in my addiction so i dont need to feel tha pain inside. Now when I want to wuit porn, the pain is so laoud, i dont know what to do... I hope that my helath issues are to my addiction, but what i understand, when i quit using it will reveal the pain and will make me feel more depressed because now i dont have anything to selfmedicate with. I need to walk trhu instead of running from it. Will i make it? I dont know right now. My closes frineds have left me and i only have my wife left, but she lives her own life and im afraid she also will leave me in time.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 25, 2016, 11:09:02 AM
Today I'm feeling lonely again. Want someone to just chill with, but I don't have that kind of friend.  Those days are the worst and I really need to keep focus,  this is my biggest trigger. Loneliness and worthlessness. It's been 3 days now, no porn or  any substitute. I'm happy for that, but this sadness and loneliness is killing me.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: humaninprogress on November 25, 2016, 11:27:39 AM
Hey there, mobilfreak. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting. I sometimes struggle with loneliness, too.

All my years of PMO took a toll on by social circle and on my ability to form and maintain close friendships. The sadness and loneliness that comes up sometime because of this can feel like the world is closing in on me, and I feel afraid that I'll never have what I most desire: a group of friends who care about me and want to spend time together socially.

When I'm in a really rough spot I try to focus on 3 things: 1) no porn, no matter what, 2) even the darkest feelings will eventually fade, 2) I may feel totally alone, but I'm not the only one going through this, and feeling lonely doesn't mean I've failed at life. Eventually the loneliness passes if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one hour at a time.

Loneliness is tough. Posting here is a great way to get some support. Hope this helps even a little.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 27, 2016, 10:53:24 AM
Hey there, mobilfreak. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting. I sometimes struggle with loneliness, too.

All my years of PMO took a toll on by social circle and on my ability to form and maintain close friendships. The sadness and loneliness that comes up sometime because of this can feel like the world is closing in on me, and I feel afraid that I'll never have what I most desire: a group of friends who care about me and want to spend time together socially.

When I'm in a really rough spot I try to focus on 3 things: 1) no porn, no matter what, 2) even the darkest feelings will eventually fade, 2) I may feel totally alone, but I'm not the only one going through this, and feeling lonely doesn't mean I've failed at life. Eventually the loneliness passes if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one hour at a time.

Loneliness is tough. Posting here is a great way to get some support. Hope this helps even a little.

Thank u for taking time.

For me i do have have friends, and i even have some close friends who want to hang out. Im good looking, open minded, social and charming.My wife tells me that i would probably been able to get what girl i ever wanted. I try to understand if porn really are the issue here, because trhu the years from a little bout, i never had that kind of friend i always hanged out with. And this is even before i started to watch porn.

For me, what I have read, is about other things. What I understand what i have read, sexual abused children have trust issues and have low self-esteem. Thats probably why I as a litte kid showed off for the girls, to get the feeling of they wanted me.

Even if i have been PMO'ing long time, most of the time it has only been once a month... Most off the guys in here what i undestand, using far more than me and I could understaned  how that affects the social life. Like if u always think about porn and you just want to go home and watch, instead of being togther with ypur friends...

For me its been different, i have never been outside, with friends or gathering and thougt about porn. I have never walked from work and wanted to bad to come home so I can start up the PC. For me I always felt down, depressed, alone first. Trying to reach out for a friend, talk to someone, tell them im sad, make plans with wife ans so on. But when this fails, when poeple say no to me, they tell me they dont have time that makes me fell deeper down in my sadness, so i take my phone and switch beteween three apps, instagram, snapchat and kik. And trying to get someonw to talk with. Then suddenly i see a pic, and it triggers me, and im slowly slipping.

So my battle is not against PMO. As long as I being prescense, when im right here and now, when i feel alone and start to listen to that feeling and take care of me, i never think about porn. But when the feeling grows bigger, it makes me feel down and i cant controll myself, i start to play games, watch tv or anything else to distract my brain for the pain inside. If i do that, porn will be the result.

So what i understand is that for me, im not horny, im sad. Im sad, angry and feel like i am wrong. When i surpess these feelings they come back with anxiety, and results in PMO. But when i allow myself to feel those feelings, dont distract me, and start to take time for myself. It almost everytime ends with alot of crying. and afterwards, its like after PMO but without the shame. The thing is that its painfull. Its like u slam your thumb with a hammer with purpose. Its not an easy way, but i makes me heal and rewire my brain. Sadness is cured with crying not PMO. Anger is cured buy letting it out in a controlled way, not to keep it inside and later come put with PMO.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 27, 2016, 11:23:03 AM
Okey, so today is a new day. Im home alone and im feel pretty good. I do start to undertand how it works for me and im trying to follow my plan to make me feel better. Yesterday, i worked all day, and was little down, i felt alone and i missed a close old friend to me. I have felt that its wrong to miss this friend because of her age. She is 16 and we are close frineds to her family. She and her sister have enjoyd me ad my wifes company, and them used to ask us if they could stay at our apartmant, watch movies and spend time togheter. Me and this girl got pretty close, she opened up to me some times and i was comforting her when she was sad and needed a schoulder to cry on. But for a half year ago she told me she had feelings for me, so we quit spend time togther.

It was a good feeling to now that someone else trusting you with their life, and i do miss that feeling of intamicy, and that makes me feel like its wrong. But i never had others feelings for her. But its still so, im to blame for her feelings, i noticed this some time ago, and i could have ended it, but i didnt want to emberesse her. My wife know everything about this, and she understands.

I do sometimes think about my friend and feel sad bacause i miss her. But yesterday i did come to the conclusion that my feelings is nor wrong, its okey to miss someone who been close to you, and i did some meditation. I also found that im not bad because i miss this friend even if it can look bad from outside. When this came to my heart, i didnt feel down anynmore, and I walked home to hug my wife hard and talked to her.

This made me fell asleep without insomia and today is a much better day... i even have some feelings that i do want to do something today. for myself :)

Its now 5 days ago PMO or any P-subs. And i know I can make it to 90 as long as i take care of my feelings the same way as i did yesterday...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 28, 2016, 07:54:23 PM
Today I have worked for 14 hours. I'm really tired now...

I try to stay with my plan, to meditate about my inner feelings to recognize any relapse in an early state. I know its harder for me to stay away from PMO if I don't do this.

I need to structure my brain everyday to not burden the next day.

I feel like I'm 75% presence and falling.  So I really need this time. I need my "my-time" every day if I gonna make it to 90 days.

It's different feeling now from that 39 days in Oct...  Then I was 100% presence and even felt cured. I was 0% stressed, 0% depressed  and 0% anxious!  In that state I felt like I'm was alive, and I realized that it is like that I wanna live, and also now can actually, because I now know it exists, even in me!

But now, after that new problem in my life, have dropped, and now I'm fighting again... 

The good thing of, that I do choose to fight against this problems instead of the PMO. Because for me it always been the same. I'm like an alcoholic, who buries his problems in a drink to keep the pain away. If I heal the pain and problems, I don't need the addiction.

I have felt it I do know it work now. Before October I only read about it and tried several ways to get it. But now I have proof in my own life. I did find the way, the freedom and in that state, PMO was like a drop in the ocean. I didn't notice it, it was gone. I even remember how I looked on some movies, and I didn't looked for the boobs or fantasized about the characters. Before I Google them  and PMO to them. But when I was in that state of mind and feeling. It was gone, completely, the craving for porn was completely gone. And so was my anxiety. But when life hit back with problems, the anxiety came back and so did my feelings to begin PMO again. 

And now I need to turn  my head away from girls on the town, I need to take control of my mind and thoughts.  Its a he'll, and it's like take  water out of the boat when it still get in new. It's better to find the whole and make it stop fill the boat, and the  empty... First thing first.

I will get this, I will do this.

7 days soon, and I will come back to the feeling
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 29, 2016, 10:37:56 AM
A new day to wake up to nad new emitions to handle.

Today im little tierd, sad, low. i notied that I cant focus, I take the phone, and play a game, i google for information, and keep my mind busy. This reminds me of what iI have read, its somethong that i need to take care of inside me, something painfull. I suddenly felt the urge for check snapchat or kik to look for females to talk to. I have deleted those apps, so i was curious about if ihve got some texts.

Its one of the firsts signs to relapse, so I walked to the PC to come here and write about it instead. dont know why im sad or why i feel little anxious, but i wake up almost every day like this, and need to start the day to calm down. It takes a lot of energy and time from other things. I would rather bake a cake, make some dinner, start a company instead of use time to recover. I want to feel good, and the only way to do that is going thru the pain and all bad emotions so I can heal. ITs never to late to have agreat childhood
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 29, 2016, 08:33:13 PM
Home from work now, it was terrible today. Working as a busdriver, and i missed bustops because i was so into my head, and when the bus was empty i began to cry, but I held it in. I saw some friends sit at a table at a cafe, they hang out, and it made me feel so lonly. That feeling is what i have searching for my whole life, even when i didnt do PMO. Thats why I so strongly belive my PMO is the results of built up sadness who become anxity and to get relife, i PMO.

I do understand that PMO dont help me to feel better, so thats why i want to quit, but when I still feel sad, i need to find a new way to cope with the emotions. And i dont know how really. I feel like no one understand me, when i have tried to talk about my emotions for some close friends, they just tell me i think to much, or start to igonore me, or even stop hanging out with me. That dont make it easier...

I do I know that PMO is not the problem? I notice this anxitey is still here, and its hunting me all the time, and PMO make it feel better. Now when i try to quit with PMO, i notice how i eat more, eat more fatty food, gain weight, i drink more alcohol. Those problems have always been there in my life. it doesnt matter what i do, it always come back.I really feel like i want to die again.

I belive it bigger chance now to do it then before. Because before I never know why i felt this way, I only was sick and tired of feeling depressed.But now, i do understand that i feel this sad because of my codependency and being abused as a child. Today i undertand its a looooooong way to recover and hard work. And i dont know if im wanna do it anymore. I see how people will look at me and they blame me for my sadness, when it in reality is some one else who gava me their problems when i was a little child, and i couldnt handle it, so I develople bad cope behaviours to survive. Ive been in survival mode for almost all my life, and i dont know how it is to "be normal".

Just tell me its okey to give up and leave...

but also, i cant do that, my best friend commited suicide when i was 15, so I do know how it feels, even if he didnt feel ike anyone would care, I really did care. His death was the first who told me it was a way out of suffering by ending it, i have heard about it before, but never experienced it close to my life. I belive that his suicide gave me the tought that it is an option. But also, because of the feelings he made me feel, it have helped me to stay alive.

its the third time im trying to cry, and it wont come out... its something who hold it back , an di hate it, bacuse i know what it is on the other side, relief, and thats what i want and need. Its like im been sad for so long time and had a destuctive life, that my brain make me suffer and hold back the relief because i would not be valued enough to have it.

But the truth is, if no one else loves me, then I need to love myself greater and rely in my selflove more!

I dont know how i can reach my heart this time, and its vital to not relapse again...Today im been fantazing how i would make porn vids. And i even dont like porn, its bad for everyone who comes near it. I dont know anyone who gained anything good from porn.

I really dont want it. But i really need to sole my anxiety issues, I cant drink, eat or play games to get rid of it, i need to give me time to heal.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on November 30, 2016, 07:33:00 PM
Home from work again. Noticed I have worked for over 30 hours the three last days,  and I'm really tired.  I'm feeling okey, but I'm not presence at all, and that's mean I need to do something different. I'm free tomorrow, and I worried, because I will have time with my emotions, and I don't know if I can make it...

I feel like I want to play games all night so I can sleep all day and don't need to take care of it. But I know, it will strike back harder in some days if I don't do anything about it.

What I really want, is to call my best friend, cry out and leave it behind. If I only had one friend I could do that to I would call him or her. My wife is not that kind of person... and I have no one. Well I have one. My therapist and he bills me 50$ / hour to be my friend.

U maybe think I'm overreact when I say I don't have anyone.  But it is really true. I have tried to build that kind of friendship with people, and I have been that friend to several. But it never get it in return. After a while they forget me.

I helpt One friend who was in a really bad shape after one of his friends committed suicide, I called himy several times every week, I took him out for dinner,  I was supportive and just listened. I let hi, cry out  and I hold space for him. After a month he wrote on Facebook and thanked those who had supported him in person. He never mentioned my name. I was happy he felt better and I liked his status  and commented that is great he felt good again.  Now he had bad feelings and thanked me...

It's not the first time that kind of think happens...and it's devastating for my self esteem and psychological health. Also it's a great way to practise,  because I don't do this kind of things to get rewards, but when I meditate and found myself sad, I remember all those times I been forgotten by those I have invested much time with.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Marley on December 01, 2016, 07:19:03 AM
Stay with the pain and the sadness and feel it physically in the body, dont turn away from it. Its the easiest way forward.

Maybe no friend like that you want because you looking to much and have an agenda subconcious in your relationships(?), maybe. Drop longing to have that special friend. Call a friend you have and say straight forward, u got time to just chill out and do nothing, maybe your expecting your friends to be able to read you mind in regards to what you want from them.

Sorry dont mean to make unfounded suggestions et.c. jsut sharing what came to my mind.

Im taking care of a dog now. Dogs are really great friends.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 01, 2016, 05:21:57 PM
Stay with the pain and the sadness and feel it physically in the body, dont turn away from it. Its the easiest way forward.

Maybe no friend like that you want because you looking to much and have an agenda subconcious in your relationships(?), maybe. Drop longing to have that special friend. Call a friend you have and say straight forward, u got time to just chill out and do nothing, maybe your expecting your friends to be able to read you mind in regards to what you want from them.

Sorry dont mean to make unfounded suggestions et.c. jsut sharing what came to my mind.

Im taking care of a dog now. Dogs are really great friends.

Thank u for taking your time.

I'm in such a situation, that I really don't have no one to call what so ever. But I do get what u mean, and I've done that before.

Wife have asthma,  no dog for me :) but we have an aquarium,  not that friendly tho :p

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 01, 2016, 06:23:16 PM
Its still difficult and heavy. I do understand that when i feel like this I keep feelings to myself. I don't really now what kind of feelings, but i need to get them out. I had a session with my therapist today, and my wife was with me also, to give some input and talk about how she feels. We don't talk about my addiction, we talk about my anxiety and how we can stick together to help each other. It was little funny, the therapist asked if it was something we wanted to share now when we are all three, my wife said she want to know what to do when im feeling down, she dont know how to handle it, its different every time. The therapist gave me the question to answer, and i didn't know either. I dont how we talked, but it ended up with this funny part, that it need to be genuine, and not like a steward: "What can I do for you to make you happy, you want coffee, the, massage, own time, snacks, dinner, take a walk, a shower, a beer?" My wife laugh out loud and felt like that was what she do, and laught lauder and said that she always wanted to be a flight steward, we joked about it and i answered it sometimes could b like "Well, dear husband, i noticed u are not feeling well, let me get form #B-220 and please answer the questions and i will be right back to analyze the form"

after the therapy i went to bed again and i slept until 1.30pm. did a errand and come back home, down and little anxious. I was stressed, because we had a meeting on the evening and i know i need to take time for my health first, but if i don't go to the meeting, people will wonder why I didn't show up, and it would be hard to explain (I have already tried and they don't understand). My wife came home and she asked me how i felt and toke some time with me, and I finally found my feelings and i could tell her. I felt upset, because of the meeting, I want to attend, but i cant when i feel like this, and if i don't go, people will ask about it and make it even worse. I spoke my mind and was frustrated, she listened and said she understands, and it was all good. Ive got some relief, and felt better.

I didn't go anyway, i felt i was not ready yet, and used this time alone to meditate, write in my diary and this journal. I feel better now, but its still not where i want to be. I noticed I have not showered for the past 5-8 days or so. I need to be more present, and until then i need to focus on my own life and health, before how other people look at me or think. The most important thing is that i understand my life and me and my wife are happy together.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 01, 2016, 10:36:23 PM
And now it happened, all the sorrow came out in a flood of tears. All heavy feelings are gone, im back to "normal" again. I still don't know why i need to cry this much, and this time of the year, but its always the same. What I have read, abused children, when they are adults, can have this sort of things going on. Some people wake up the same time every night without any reason, until they connect it through therapy with the abuse, the time they wake up, is the same time there step dads came in to abuse them. Even if the real memories have been pushed away for years, the body still remember and tell u need to heal from those wounds. When these people goto therapy and heal the wounds, the old behaviors stops and they can sleep all night.

Im back to my present adult sate of mind now, i believe, im still not all focused, but its 12.30am and been a long day, i dont know what else to do now to make it better. I have done all things i know will help me. Write my diary, journal, and cry out.

I am a good person, i am even great, to manage these heavy stuff and keep going forward and not giving up. I really hope I dont need to do this again tomorrow.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 02, 2016, 08:53:35 PM
Ok day today. Been present all day... 10 days now from PMO and P-subs
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 03, 2016, 01:57:55 AM
Okey what happened here now?

When i came home my wife watched a movie, a romantic drama, "a good year", and i joined here. during the film i noticed one female actor not wearing any bra, and it took my attention every time she was on scene. I googled her to see what other films she done, and watched some photos of here. When I saw the photos, i said to my self, what am i doing? and closed the browser...

I remembered that this kind of behavior was common before when i was using, i could be aroused about the actor who was willing to show some skin on the screen, its really possible that she have done more kind of movies with nude scenes. And therefore i was hunting for that kind of vids before. But this time, that never caught my mind, I just fell in the old behavior, when i noticed, it was was easy to close, I wasn't out for getting it.

Instead i googled about my dry skin on my right eyelid, it been there for several months now, i believe its stress related, and today i saw that i have been scratching so much it cause a small wound. found some information about it on a women health site, and began to read, on the page was some other articles about womens health issues, and some was labeled like "what your breast is telling you about your health", i have a big interest in how you can see one issue in other parts of the body. Emotional, psychological or whatever. so i read about it, and also some other articles like "what does your underwear tell u about your personality" it was interesting it matched my wife, when i read, i noticed i began to be aroused, and then i understood that this maybe could be called P-Subs. I never thought about it like that and didn't think that i would med aroused. But this made me think about how the brain works, and how old patterns are so easy to fall back into. IT was not hard to quit browsing and pressed with life, i went to bed and felt a feeling i get sometimes, that feeling about wanting sex. When I feel that feeling when i go to bed, i do know that it will be sex tonight. But I dont begin any foreplay I just went to bed and fell to sleep. I woke up some hour later, just like i knew would happened before i went to bed, and started to kiss my wife. I will not go into details more, but in the end, i noticed she was not really present, and at one time i just lost interest and felt like she didn't want to, she gave me a halfhearted HJ and fell a sleep again. I did O but not what i thought it would be. it was boring, and i didn't liked it to be honest.

Then i couldn't fell asleep, my insomnia stepped in and I ended up here.

Now to the scary conclusion.What i learned about dopamine is that it also makes roads in the brain to the things u know will give u the biggest rush. When the brain say "Hey, i want dopamine, it send a urge for that thing it know will give u the best kick", So what i understand is that when i saw the movie and this girl, I started to walk on that road, and the brain know that in the end of that road it will be fireworks of dopamine. But i ended that path, and went to bed. the brain still wants the fireworks, and now the magic happens, I didn't lift up the phone to PMO, i did the healthy way with my wife. Thats really good!!! but then its scary, what did i just tech my brain? that road is not giving you that kind of fireworks anymore, or did i tell the brain that doing it with my wife is not enough for my dopamine?

That other 39 days i started with, I also got this need for being with my wife, but it was more healthy and pure then. IT was not the same now, i was not 100% present now and i scared that my P-addiction will change to a Sex addiction. Even if it was with my wife, and thats better then P. its not good for my health, I need better ways to cope with my emotions and feelings then sexual actions. I will not be well, if i keep using sex in any form to run from my emotions.

Shall I restart my tracker for a complete reboot? Shall i count this ? when i first started my reboot, i was aiming to end watching  PMO and P-subs intentionally, when that feeling comes, "Just one last time". But the more I try to understand myself and how everything is sticked together, i notice the differences in the feeling of wanting it.

What I in the beginning really wanted to end, was when u scrolled through instagram, saw a nice pic of a girl, and just went to google to search for more. the Chaser Effect
And I also wanted to end my chatting with other girls online.

Those two behaviors do i have under control for now, and I do know that the underlying feeling is not lust or arousal. its sadness. And i need to cry to make that feeling go away. It has worked every time since i got to that conclusion.

But now with more knowledge about how rebooting works, i do investigate all kind of feelings i have and how it ends up in the brain. So now I feel like i need to do better, like every time i get aroused by a movie, or a text, or anything thats not my wife i counts as a relapse. But when i think about it, i need to be human to, and need to be easy on me. But also not be to easy so I will us it for a relapse.

What i believe is sound is that being able to be rock solid against the chaser effect, its that feelings who takes control over my body and make its so hard to change. The other things are new for me to label under this addiction and I'm still not sure about if they are applicative on my situation. Most of my PMO have been leaned towards single girls dancing and showing off. So i believe I'm not so "messed up" even if it have been many years. during my teens it was mostly P-subs i did and then i would walk out and flash myself. Never did i M. or O. it was after i was 17 i M and O. and the flashing ended when I was 17.5. After that PMO started to be the primary thing to end my anxiety.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 03, 2016, 05:26:35 PM
Great day today. Worked all day and still present.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 04, 2016, 12:36:39 PM
12 days now!

Had a nice long conversation with wife yesterday, she took some time and practiced to be present and listen. It worked pretty okey, but she thought about that movie she wanted to see during our talk. She told me about it, I laughed, it's so typical her. "If I sitt here in the sofa with my husband and doing this boring stuff for I while, I can watch the movie later".

It's that kind of act that makes me feel alone and nobody wants me. When people just take time for the good sake,  not for them really want to be with me. (If u think I'm picky, read the book "the five love languages" Gary Shapman) at one moment my wife said she was tired, she got frustrated because she thinks it always take so long time to talk. The thing is that when we talk I want a heart to heart conversation,  and when we reach that state, she feels vulnerable and wants to quit talking. In her family, they never talked about stuff. We work on that and this time she admitted she wasn't present, she wanted the movie, not talk with me, but she want to learn how to show me more love, and she then opened up her heart and told me about things I've already figured out and she needed to vent.

The funny thing about this is that I was present all time, was not thinking of anything else, but after my wife had told me what she felt, she moved from the other side of the sofa and come to sit with me, she pressed her body against mine and now she was present and showed me enormous of love and was greatful for me helping her realize this and not being angry at her.

We then watched the movie and now she had her head in my lap and it was great.we both were present and enjoy life. Great!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 04, 2016, 12:51:09 PM

i just wanted to post about insomnia,  it might be so I've found a cure. I have had insomnia since 2009, before that I fell asleep right away I layed my head on the pillow. But since 2009 it been more difficult with insomnia almost every day. Did have for a couple of days ago, but this time I reminded me about a mindfulness exercise,  I did that and woke up the next morning. It was amazing. Did the same thing some days later,  and it gave the same result.

So what did I do?

1. Lay down, take a deep breath, close your eyes
2. Imagine a spot in the center of the body,  a couple of cm under the bellybutton.
3.  "Feel" that spot in you inner mind, (don't touch with your fingers )
4. Focus on that spot for 1 minute
5. When the mind start to wander,  refocus on that spot.

I did this and fell asleep within a minute both times. Hope it will work next time to, and even for you!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: TiramiSu on December 04, 2016, 02:54:19 PM
did you try meditation yet? It is also a wonderful source of relaxation...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 04, 2016, 09:51:26 PM
did you try meditation yet? It is also a wonderful source of relaxation...

What do you mean with meditation? I connect meditation with take time to think about something when u are in your present mind of state.  And that's really helps for dealing with problems, bur never to relax thou.  ;)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 04, 2016, 10:33:47 PM
Still going strong.

But I still miss having a life, and friends to hang out with.

I know I need to set up some goals, I need something to look forward to, something who helps me achieve my dreams and goals in life. But right now, I don't have the energy to do that. I'm still splitted. I do know what I need to do, but it's not down in my heart, so I need to move it from "I should do..." to "i want to do..." or "I think I wanna do this fir it's the best for me and in line with my goals".

I still do many things in life because I've been told to do it.

Let me xplain. I'm religious,  and been very active in my religion. My beliefs is Rock solid ! But my mental health makes me feel down. And I'm been trying to get this fixed, I been praying, attended meeting , read the bible daily, I'm been meditating , I've asked for advices. I did everything what people told me, and what I've read, but my depression, anxiety always came back and so did my addiction. And I did know I wouldnt do that. Now I understand I been addicted to sexual stimuli since I was little boy, and I've hot this chaser effect long time before I even know I had a problem.

I finally told someone in my congragation,  and the result was that I got disfellowedshiped to make me think about my behaviour and also change my heart toward P. The thing us I already hate porn, and only time I did using was when I got the chaser effect , once a month. But in between I did as much as I could in my congregation. There us were my life wants to be and we're I want to build my future.

But right now, I'm not allowed to any religious activities. So my life is pretty empty,  no activities, and no friends left. And the only way to come back, is to stop using P. To do that I need to have a better relationship with God. And to have a better relationship I need to keep my spiritual activities.  But, I can't do like I did before.  I did everything I should do, but not in the right energy, not with the right motive. I did things, because deep inside I do know it's the best, and I could show others I could do it. I need to stay present,in my adult mind and when I do that, I can do all my spiritual activities and rutines and make it from my heart. That's what I want and need.

Its like my therapist said. Now when I'm in contact with myself, I can use my adult, present state of mind, to make decisions. And I need to go through my life and look at my decisions I've made before and now do it again in my newly found energy. So I have much to do, and I need to do it slovly. I don't want to trigger my anxiety,  and I don't want to go back to my old life, and I want to get my new life as soon as possible. I hate this, Its like walking on a rope between two buildings, one wrong step and I'm out.

If I go to fast forward, Its possible I fall back to my old life and do things only because someone else tells me it's the best, and I trust their judgement before my own. If I go to slowly it can make me drain my energy and result in "I do it when I feel better". Both things makes stressed and anxious. Witch us my biggest trigger.

I just want to be done now, and look to this period of life and say "I made it!"
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 05, 2016, 08:28:03 AM
Waking up to a new day with a craving for my friend. Want to cuddle with her.

She posted a pic on instagram that I took at her one day we were together, and she commented that it was a great summer and she always miss someone. It felt like she meant me. It was emotional to see the pic, she have told me she don't want to be close friends anymore,  so we haven't talked for  half a year. She sent me one email about her feelings this summer. And now she do this.

I do struggle, because what she been told me is that I need to think about my feelings towards her, she thinks I had a cruch on her, but I didn't.  But how come it's okey for her to post that kind of pic, and say she misses me, but when I say I miss her I'm in love with her?

It's hurts my feelings, and this makes me feel sad, and anxious and that's my biggest trigger. I feel anxious because I listen to what other people say, and trust their judgment before my own. And I don't feel that I have a crush on her, I feel she is a good friend and one of few people u can hang out with and be yourself. She is the first one I felt I wanted to tell about my problems. And the first one I felt who listened to me. I have talked about things before, like for my wife, but I do that because I need to tell things for my wife,  it's an unwritten law, to make the marriage strong. But with my friend I just live to lay on the back looking at the clouds and just talk.

Some people tell me it's an emotional affair and it because I watch P i fell like this. I don't know if its true.  I been talking with my therapist about it,  and we are both in the same though,  I crave intimacy, I need love, someone who are with me. And that feeling have been all my life, and the feeling come from when I been abused.

I hope I can rewire all this feelings and get it right.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 05, 2016, 10:05:57 AM
Okey, so today is that kind of day. Again. My emotions and feelings are really messed up. I know that. When  I'm lonely and sad, I want to PMO. But that's only a fake solution. I don't want any fake solutions, I want to feel well and be free from PMO!

So what do I do? I been texting my wife. She does not answer...  I been mailing my there, he don't  answer. I been thinking everything through, and come to this conclusion I need someone to talk to. That's what the feeling in me is, it's not PMO. But when  those u can talk to don't answer it makes it more difficult. And then I miss my friend more, she always answered, she made me feel loved. She took time with me when I needed it and now she want to talk with me anymore...  Maybe she wants, but she have decided that it's not good for us to be close friends. And I will respect that even if it's hard for me.

My phone are still silent. And it feels worse then ever. And I know that I cant do so much about it... 
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Mr. Sunshine on December 05, 2016, 09:50:12 PM
Its good to get support from people in your spot like me  ;)  I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days.  Its rough,  I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine.  Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough.  Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle.  Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels. 

I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 06, 2016, 08:05:27 PM
Its good to get support from people in your spot like me  ;)  I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days.  Its rough,  I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine.  Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough.  Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle.  Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels. 

I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy

Great decision to reset and go for 90 days! I believe u can make it!

I dont know if its the dopamine or if its my anxiety who kick start my PMO. Either way, i feel better, when I can manage the anxiety, the best is when its completely all gone. As it was today, after having the thinking-cap on during my workday i got to one point, I am okey as i am, and those who dont like it, is not my problem. The key seems for me to remind me that i shall not tell myself Im worse then others. I need positive self-talk. I hope u will manage it to and come through the lonliness, and hope u can do it but changing bad habits to good habits. WE cant just quit, we need to fill the emptiness with something else.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 06, 2016, 08:15:20 PM
Day 14 today. Was amazing today, for some hours i was back int that feeling from the first 39 days. I was completely free from anxiety and i felt alive. I felt like I was worth as much as everyone else. and that helps me enormous, because my general mood is "Im not okay - everyone else is okay". In back to that feeling again, after i found out a friend blocked me on facebook. I immediately dropped back to "im not okay" based on other people opinions. I know it in my brain, but not in my heart yet. Haha. Why should other people opinions rule my life?????? Well i know why i feel like that, because thats what my mom always did and still do. And thats how i was raised. And now i start to see it and want to change...

Ive set some reward to my goals so i can focus better :)

30days free from PMO and P-subs = 1 new videogame
60days free from PMO and P-subs = Fine dinning at the hotel
90days free from PMO and P-subs = Asus Gtx 1090 Strix GPU

Ps. I closed two deals today, one single order at 2500$  and one residual montly at 1300$. ITs great to be your own! :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Mr. Sunshine on December 07, 2016, 04:42:26 PM
nice work!  so easy to let fears or others opinions determine self worth.  Running from a sense of worthlessness or from the feeling of just not being enough sure adds momentum to PMO.  Anyway good catch.  I'm feeling a little better today, still kind of lonely and empty but the light is going a little.  I suppose thats all I can hope for is incremental growth. 
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 08, 2016, 12:10:10 PM
16 days now! I'm still present and staring to actually enjoy life... And that's scary, it was really long time ago.

I talked with my therapist about a memory from a summer when I was around 12. And that summer I felt so good! I was free. And I start to feel the same now. I wanted to know what's the key for both this times. And I found out I was alone, and no one could hurt me. I do have social anxiety, because of my sad childhood. That summer I remembered, I was almost alone the whole summer at my grandparents. No one could hurt me.

And now, its pretty much the same...  When I feel good and need to work and deal with people, I feel bad right away.

It's great to feel that being me is Okey, and that's what's makes quiting PMO easy. As long as I stay in this state of mind. PMO is not an issue at all. I don't even think about it.

I need to listen to my body more and take care of it better. It's not selfish to listen to your body. It's self awareness!

When my kindness over other people, wanting to help them with their sorrows, become more important than my own health, I begin to feel sad, anxious and become depressed and self medicate with PMO.

It great to see where everything starts. I've been looking for that since 2010. Why do I feel this? Have been the big question, and now I know and I also have tools to use for better health.

16 days is so amazing right now. Or u could say its 60 days with only 2 small slips, and that's to awesome. From using 4 times a week....
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 09, 2016, 10:02:53 AM
It's not over yet. Still feel little numb. Saw one old friend on instagram posing in her bikini. I needed to shut down the app... 

I curious about the feeling after the reboot is complete. Some of you talk about how u quit obejctify women. I found my self being able to stop that the very first day that October I told my self to get rid of this addiction for good. I was in a state of mind transactional analysis call "the free Child".

I been noticing that when I reach that state, I look at girls without being aroused, I even don't notice them.  I even getting disgusted when I see girls posing and wanting to get attention from there looks. But when I loose that feeling and come back to my "normal" me, I see girls everywhere and I love them for looking and smiling at me. And get aroused very fast. Like a teenager.

Still no PMO or P-Subs tho. :) 17 days now!  Whop whop
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 10, 2016, 08:08:50 AM
Woke up with a great urge to PMO.  Just wanna give up on this.

It's so much easier to not fight the inner demons...

Need to remember why I started this journey, and need to focus on  what bad things it bring to my life.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 10, 2016, 11:49:20 PM
Been an awful day today.  No PMO! But I'm so far away from feeling good. I'm like a zombie,  the brain have shut down... or the emotions, or something.  It don't work....
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 11, 2016, 02:40:42 PM
I'm stuck in this terrible feeling. Can trace it back to when I was around 8 years old. Same thoughts of loneliness and why no one wants me...

Still no PMO thou...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 11, 2016, 09:57:47 PM
I fell asleep 5 pm and dreamed about feeling anxious. Woke up at 9pm, thought I had slept through the night first.  The anxiety is better.

I notice that I get so tired when I think about all my feelings. I can't do anything.  I don't have any hobbies. I have plenty off stuff I need to do and deeply want to do.  But I'm to tired.

On my free time I try to do those things I need to do for a better health, like eating and take a shower. It's so hard,  I can't manage it because all my energy goes on battling my inner demons. I'm exhausted.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 11, 2016, 11:49:12 PM
I just wanna give up
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 11, 2016, 11:57:21 PM
My reasons to make this getting weaker and weaker. I don't have a strong "why"  enough. Right now I just wanna make it to the 90 days,  so I can tell myself I did it.

Its like when I wanted to loose weight after I gained a lot while eating antidepressants. I lost 22 kg in 10 month,  had a new life, and I celebrated with a big pizza. 

The "why" and goal need to be stronger and bigger.  Like,  I will never go back to PMO. It's not an option, it ruins my life. But right now I just feel like,  whatever,  I will die anyway...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 12, 2016, 12:21:21 AM
I have nothing to to, to change the habit with.

Well I have,  but all things are wrapped up with my anxiety, and feels like things imust do,  not really want to.  Things I know I want to do when I feel better, but right now just make feel bad.

Have no motivation to do anything, even not to take me out of this emotions. I just hate life,  I m sad for I don't miss my wife, I'm happier alone.  I'm sad for missing my friend who don't want to talk with me.  I'm sad for I don't can make my life work.

I feel like it's better to end it.

And the I remind myself of that feeling in October, when I decided to commite suicide. How I felt alive that moment to and belived in me, and changed my mind.

I hate having this problems in my head, I hate that I got this because of my childhood traumas. I hate that I need to take care of things someone else layed on my shoulders.  I need to do something about some else wrongdoing. Why me?

Its the wrong question, have made therapist told me. It's not my fault,  its has nothing to do with me. It's not that I'm less then any other person, and that's why I got these problems. Im not bad, I'm been part of bad stuff.

Sometimes I want to get my memories back, so I can confront him/her.  So I can put the weight over on the right person and don't feel like crazy. I feel like crazy,  because I just have these small fraction of memories and some strange events in life that points all to the same thing, some sort of sexuall abuse. But I can't remember the actual abuse,  so I feel like I'm messed up,  no one belives me, people tell me to forget, to let it go. And I do,  but in some short amount of time I'm back depressed, anxious and in the feelings I just left, without any visible reason.

Sometimes I just someone to talk with,  someone I could trust. I had my friend, but she left me.  And i never felt that feeling with my wife. That's why I feel so lonley.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 12, 2016, 02:20:13 PM
Still been a terrible day...  Feel so low...  Been in bed all day. Chatting with people... I don't want to go out, but I have to. I need to work.

I couldnt sleep tonight. I was chatting with peopl instead...  I know I should have tale care of my anxiety. But I could, I was so sad. I was not presence.

I have still not eat any breakfast today. It's 16.18 now.
I need to take a shower...  I had that as a goal yesterday, but I did t make it.

Still not PMO or P-subs thou!

20 days and counting!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 13, 2016, 08:04:52 PM
Better today.  But still bad

No PMO, that's great

21 days...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 14, 2016, 08:15:02 AM
22 Days today...

Been looking for my new game to buy when I reach 30 days...

I'm still not feel better.  I don't notice the difference when  u using and when  I'm don't...  I still have this terrible days I just wanna die. 

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: gazz on December 14, 2016, 09:44:18 AM
Mate, I am right there with you. strangely good to know someone's suffering like me. Due to the title of your thread, I thought this no fap academy video might be helpful: (learning from relapses) - even if you haven't relapsed lately it's a good vid

I've recently discovered them and they've been a great go-to place for me. Even though it's not a personal message, the guy somehow feels super supportive, and he manages to be so chipper and positive all the time

Best of luck with that low mood, you're not alone
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 15, 2016, 05:49:46 PM
It's so difficult to know what happenes and to under what feelings I schould trust...  Or better...  Schould dig deeper in.

It was a good day yesterday, felt happy sort of. Like life was going on the right direction...

I went for bed, but was not all presence, so instead of sleep, I chatted online. I don't even know why, well I did it, and found a girl who been struggle with same feelings like me and we talked all night. It was a relief to found someone who could understand you. I finally went for my sleep. Got 2 hours!

Why? I ask myself over and over again. Why? I don't know..  I felt pretty good a if I just gone to bed I probably would woke up strong and happy.

I woke up feeling good but tired of course. Went for my job and did what I schould. It was a nice day. Tired but I was not in some deep emotional things. I was doing pretty good.
When I came home I ate some food and walked to my bed. I said to my wife I needed sleep. And I really needed it and wanted it.

I layed down in bed and what, took my phone and opened the chat room again. Why? I still dont know.  I talked to some people, but I realized I really need to sleep. But I checked kik messenger again. And that app have I been deleted and installed for several times now...  When I Feel good, I don't want spend time at kik, it's wasting of time. When I feel little down I don't even think about my last decision...  It's weird...
I also installed yellow again, don't know why. I needed sleep. Looked at some pics and  noticed my boner.

I didn't want to M. So I just kept looking, and hoping to find a match so I could talk to someone... What's wrong with me? I need to sleep in tell my self. And finally after a hour I layed my head for at rest and fell asleep immediately.

Woke up a hour later, needed to go to bathroom. I was so tired...  But still wired up on this kik and yellow stuff. So I looked thru it again. It felt down there. But not as it been before, like I needed more and more and Google for P.

I just swiped to the right without even looking at the pics. And still I had this boner. It's interesting. My wife heard I was awake and she toke the space beside me and huged me.

It was a great day to start with. I even huged my wife in bed before I went for work. I felt good. And I also felt it was good now. Hugging her. She told me she needed to take a shower but she didn't want to take of her clothes, it will be cold.

So I help her off with them and teased her, foreplay and S. With O.

She went to the shower and I back to my phone, wondering why I took the phone, saw the apps. And just deleted them without any thought. It was just, why do I even have these boring apps.

I feel like dr jekyll and mr hyde. No was all those tensions inside me gone I got my O. And it was from my wife...

I'm 23 days from PMO now...  And 2 times been O last 62 days.

What do I start to feel? It was like this last time too, around 20 days in the reboot. And I just wanted my wife. Libido is naturall I don't know yet if I need to fight against it for my reboot? Maybe it's better to focus this feeling toward my wife when It comes?

What is the feeling? Is it libido?  Anxiety? I don't know, and I don't know if my behavior is a step forward, or it just makes me change from PMO to sex addicted with wife..

It's not that bad to have S with wife, but I still don't want to self medicate with sex, and I do want to be sure that I can feel the difference between them.

So if I'm anxious, I can handle it the way I best for me. If it's libido, well don't need to explain  that.

I still do need to set up some sort of life goals...  But Im afraid that I am not ready yet and will have more bad days, and my goals will be a  burden more then something  uplifting and motivational.

I want the feeling of having a project, and want to do it. I want to feel like I want to do something in my life. Right now, I just know I want that feeling, but  other know what I shall do.

Need to take time on this. It feel like I going to feel bad tomorrow and I will do whatever I can to stay at the happy side.

It will also be interesting what would happen in three or for days... Will the chaser effect come and doom me? Or what?

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 17, 2016, 12:50:18 PM
I have no life, it terribly to realize.

Why am I doing this?

25 days now
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 17, 2016, 09:22:52 PM
been in bed all day , just chatting with people on kik all day and wasting my time away. I feel shitty.

I deleted the apps again. It feels better again. But still bad.

no PMO, and the time spending at kik was not a P-sub, even if i saw some pic, i was not willing to keep looking and I didnt want that stuff... thats a big thing and im happy to be able to control that. But this loneliness... I really hate it.

Some people may suggest. "go talk with your wife" and so on, but she really dont care. Today she had her own schedule and did all her stuff and wanted do be done before she should have her crime-night and watch her fav. movies. She come in to my bed some times, but she was still all in her own life, and i was not part of it. She saw and knew i felt bad and all she did was making the dishes and do the laundry so she could watch the telly with good feelings...

I am really happy that she do those stuff, but I feel like im not important to her, and she dont care that i am in my bed all day and feel terrible.

Still no PMO and thats a good thing.

My friend i miss so much these kind of days, she texted my wife today. She said she was sorry for not contacted her for a long time and said she think about her, and that was it. She been silent for 3 month, and now she sends a short text that she is sorry, but then she didn't answer on my wifes reply. We both are curious about whats going on in her mind exactly. Why even bother to say you misses and think about someone after three month of silence, if u don't take time to even respond to the replies...

this day wasted and tomorrow i gonne work again. My boss is on hospital, so I need to jump in and help. This was the only day this week i was free, and I even dont have something to fill it with so i stay ion bed all day and just doing nothing at all.

Its funny thou, some people told me that when life is a mess, u need to check if u are reading your bible daily. And some people tell me, just get off porn and u will feel better. I have read the bible daily since june, and been off porn since october. I dont feel better and i still hate my life.

I have always argued that my health has nothing to do with PMO or spiritual routines. My anxiety come from other stuff, and reading the bible dont cure depression as little it cure cancer. IT can give hope and motivation, but just reading will not give any miracles.  PMO will of course not help me get better, but its still not the root of my health.

I know what i need to do. I know what feeling i searching for, the hard thing is to do what u thing is best for u when other people tell u thats wrong. When a spiritual mentor tell you, you are not on the right track, and u understand that the mentor does not know the whole picture. If I listen to that mentor would be like going back to the bad life I had. If I listen to myself, i will get the feeling i had when i told my mentor about my problems, energized and motived to take responsibility and leave this all behind. That feeling I need to move forward, it was that feeling who got me to tell my mentor about my problems, and it was that feeling he told me to think about again. He told me i was blaming my past to much for my sins and didn't take enough responsibility for my acts. I didnt show enough regret for what i have done.

I know what i feel, i know I had the right feeling, and I know I have social anxiety that makes me trouble when i tell people about my life. I know that this anxiety have made my life really hard and made friends left me because they dont understand what im telling them. Like when i told my friend, that she was the only person i felt i could talk to, and I would talk all night with her at a roof top. It was concluded that I was in love with her, when it really was that I have never been able to trust any person before, and I was so happy for being able to finally have one friend who would stick to me what so ever. But she left, and i dont know if i can open my heart again.

The hunting sexual memories from my childhood, Dad that dont really care, my friend suicide when i was 15, my wife cheated on me, and now my only friend I had left me, and when I told my mentor about my PMO, childhood traumas and suicide thought, I was not longer a apart of the congregation. Its not that strange I am sad and have trust issues. Its so hard for me to do this, all i want it so come back to the congregation, the only reason I have is my relationship with God. But in the congregation I have people who triggers my anxiety. Its not strange either that my body fight again me when i want to go to the church, or read my bible. For every time it reminds me of my anxiety..

I want a life with goals, thing i can achieve... right now its so pathetic, I smell something and that reminds me i have not shower for 3-5 days, so my goal is to take a shower, and it take up to three days to reach. in this state my mentors believe i would be able to do actions to strengthen my spiritual health, because the believe i will be happy when I get a stronger relationship with God. I do know that it have a key role in human life to be close to God. And thats is what i want, but my psychical health are not with me on that goal.

I hope i will be better to next week.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 18, 2016, 08:30:45 AM
Shitty boring life.

26 days today,  still no motivation. Don't want to work....

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 19, 2016, 08:22:39 AM
I know u never will come back into my life, but I still think about you every day, and it's been 6 month since we talked last time. Yesterday I huged my pillow when I was going to sleep, I felt comfort and remembering how your body gave me relief from my anxiety and how your smile cut through my depression and enlighten my life.

I never loved u as a girlfriend, I loved u as my best friend and as a teddy bear. No one have ever gave me the same comfort in life as u did, and that's what I miss the most.

I know u thought I was in love with u, and we did some stupid stuff, but I wholehearted felt safe with u, and that's was made me being stupid. U made me feel worthy, likeable even cause my flaws and sins.

Dear u, I miss u a lot and u will never know or understand, becuse u didn't want to stay friends, u wanted to go your own way without me and u couldn't feel safe with me u said.

I'm so sorry for making u feel that way, and I'm devastating over that we not will be able to develop a friendship in the future anymore because of this.

My heart will always be with u and I will always miss u as much sister and best friend. No one can take your place!

Every day I need to convince myself that life is worth living. And today is one of those days I need to work on that extra hard.

I hope I will get me through this day and wake up to a  en morning tomorrow. I hope so
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 19, 2016, 07:38:41 PM
29 days without PMO.  No urges at all, don't want it. That's good. But all this anxiety I don't know how to deal with is killing me.

Today I told myself it was a good day. Then I reflected a ut was is a good day. Or a normal day in my life. And my conclusion was really sad when in hit me.

A normal day when I would say I feel good. Is typical today, some hard to get up from bed in the morning. Just enjoin time to eat, but not brush tees or think about what u wearing... Working all day without any really low feelings and just wanting to go home. And no thoughs of suicide. And today I even had thoughts about suicide several times. I though about what I will write in my last letter and how I want it to be read at my funeral.

Isn't it sad, this is one typical "good" day in my life....
The bad days u don't want to hear of... They are hell

All I want is a better life, and I thought that quitting PMO would help me a little...  But as what I was afraid off, it seems to have very little to do with my life of anxiety.

I will not begin using again  anyways, I didn't quit for my health, I did it because of my religious beliefs.

I hope it will be better soon, I dont know how long I will make it more...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: gazz on December 20, 2016, 08:52:09 AM
Hey mate. What's going on? In one post you say your wife is with you but isn't interested in you. And then you say she's left you and won't answer your calls?

If she's left, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's so important that you don't use PMO as a solution. It sounds like you know that, which is great. If she does come back, and you're PMO'ing and in an emotional mess, she won't be back for long. You have to become the person you want to be, the person she wants to be with.

In my experience, when someone leaves, the best thing to do is not barrage them with messages about how you miss them, need them, and will beg for them to come back. Write one simple message saying you love them, and you want to see them but you understand they want time away. Say you are here, you are ready for them if they decide to come back. You're thinking about the relationship and working hard on improving yourself so things will be better if you have the opportunity to work on the relationship again. Then comes the hard bit, you give them space. That gives them a chance to miss you and think of your awesome last message. Later you can send a simple message perhaps weekly, no begging, no 'needing', but 'checking in', you hope they're ok and you're thinking about them.

That's just my experience. And I thought it was worth mentioning, because when people leave us, we can go mad with self pity and neediness and become even less attractive to our partners. Choose an amount of time to be sad each day, then take some deep breaths and leave the sadness alone for the rest of the day. Work on improving your life, yourself, your nofapping resolve. You might need a new activity to focus your mind on, because now you have to not think about porn or how much you miss your partner - I assure you, there's nothing positive about thinking about either of those things. take walks, experience nature, appreciate music and literature... Good art and seeing the beauty in the world is how a lot of people 'escape' after suffering long hours in a shit job.

Hope this helps. Best of luck mate

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 20, 2016, 10:11:19 AM
Thank you for your time Gazz.

Your words are so true. Buti have not been clear enough I see. But thats probably because I write to myself more then to you guys :)

My wife is with me and she working on helping me. But one day she don't talk with me even if she notice I'm low.  She have no issues about me PMO, shes not low,  bitter or in some way less interested in me now the  before I told her about my PMO. The thing is that she is so into her own world and into her own life, that she sometimes forget she is married and have a relationship with me. She have admitted this and see that her behavior is one clue to my depression and being lowly.

On the other hand she now know about it, and she want to do efforts to do it better. And slowly,  slowly she does. But some days she back to her old, and watch TV all day when I just feel like I wanna kill my self... 

The person I did talk about, who left me, it was my friend who one day said she didn't wanted to be close friends anymore, because she felt strange, and didn't know what that feeling was before. But now she knows that feelings is not correct...  I did feel the same but I wanted and have tried for long to work through it and stay friends. I felt like the relationship was worth it, but she wanted to go.  So I let her, bit I don't got opportunity to really say what I wanted.  I just kept all to myself and told her it was fine.

Then some months later she wants to meet again. We did meet, with my wife, and I felt like my friend wanted me back. But she was also nervous. I didn't gave in, and kept a distance to her. I don't want to get her close to me again, she knew how much I would broke down if she leaved. And she knew I have difficulties to trust people. She knew about my anxiety and my struggles. So from now on I will be nice to her but I will not have her close in my life anymore. I don't trust her, she broke my heart when she told me she felt strange with me and don't want to be close friends anymore.

Maybe it's me, but wither usage friends or u are not. If u feel strange when u are with someone, why do u even want to hang out? Just to be nice? It doesn't make sense.

I do get u about replacing habits...  But I have some issues a out that. Because my anxiety kicks in when I want to change habits...  I do things because I need to, not because I want to. Even taking a shower is goalsetter and I need several days to manage to accomplish it.

I take walks, but I m not presence, I look down on my feet while walking with my head down, deep inside my head. I need to lift up my head and see all the colors. When I lift my head, and see things around me, I'm getting sad for not being able to feel good about what I have.

When I finally do something that I do want to do, I feel selfish and that I should have done other things instead. So I don't do the things I want, because my anxiety tells my I'm worthless and don't worthy enough to have fun.

I do want someone to talk to, irl, who are willing to stay at my side what so ever, willing to just listen and not judge. My friend who left, she did that. That's why I misses her, or that feeling. My wife is not that good listener yet...

After she been listening to me, she would ask me. So how do you think about my listening skills, have it been aproved since last time?  And she is all in on doing her thing more then really listen...

On about replacing habits...  When I did feel the energy of wanting to make a new life and put up some new goals, I talked to my spiritual mentors in my church. They didn't see the same thing as I did. They told me I was not regretful enough, so the disfellowed me.  So every time I do anything spiritual my anxiety kicks in and tells my I'm not worthy a spiritual life anymore, I'm worthless and I'm not approved to have any relationship with God.

What I know about PMO, Spiruality, psychology and leadership. My mentors should have encouraged me to keep walking on my new energzied life path. But instead they gave me the opposite, so now I question myself, my beliefs and my feelings all the time. What they told me is like I don't trust my own feelings. I felt like I could leave all behind now and start this new life. And they said I need to be more regretfull and need to think about everything one more time...

I been talking to my therapist about this several times. And he is also spiritual minded person.  He is with me all the way on this. I had the right feelings, but my mentors couldn't handle the story of my life. So if I do what I feels right, I will go against my mentors advices, and they will think I'm not humble enough or don't want to listen  to them. But if I do that I will get the energy to come back to the church. But if I do listen to their advice I will feel lowly and depressed and will probably start PMO again...  So it feels like I'm trapped in between and what I ever do it will give me anxiety...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: gazz on December 21, 2016, 08:30:47 AM
Ah. OK. Now I understand  :D

You're not selfish for trying to help yourself. Like when you're on a plane, they say, do your own oxygen mask first, before helping others. I have a little morning routine of exercise, meditation, thinking about things, motivating myself... before I get up and face the day. I'd be useless otherwise.

As for not finding anything rewarding. You’re rebooting – porn screws up our reward systems until everything seems crap. When I went for a few weeks without porn, I started enjoying books again – I remembered what it was like to be the ‘old me’. You'll appreciate the world more. As Louis CK says - you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly. The fact that you’re alive is amazing.

Just watched a youtube video about a man saying he and his wife took a break from using their phones. So now they talk more, they’re engaged more. You might need to get that tv out of your relationship! Technology will kill all our humanity and relationships if we let it!

As for your mentors who are telling you what you should do. Only you can decide what to do with your life. We can seek out advice, and mentors can help us lead the way, but you have to create your own path.

Best of luck mate

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 21, 2016, 06:14:47 PM
Been using that illustration about the masks on the plane many times when  I have help people. What my life looks like in history, according to the illustration,  is that I do take my mask on  first, get mentally strong...  Then I see things that need to be done... Some need help, and I reach out for them. Even more the  the mask can handle...  So I skip the mask for a while to manage to help some people...  Then I go back to my mask.  I do that several times and one day I see that I didn't got my mask on for long time because I been focusing on  other people and theirs problems before my own health.

In this metal state PMO been my false rescue.  or I been  using for decrease of my anxiety.

I've heard several times and been reading here on the forum about people who say like you, that my brain is messed up becuse of the P. Bit those feelings people tell they get after being of porn after a long time, like u are talking about, that the energy is coming back and u feel worthy and all that.  I did get that feeling first, then I did take the decision to quit PMO. 

I got that feeling only two days after a PMO and during a relatively high period of using. I did 3-4 times a week and been doing that for maybe a couple of months...  Before that it was maybe only weekly or even once a month.. 

I know that only one tile watching porn will mess up the brain. I don't want to make my behavior less. But I just want to get perspective and know what feelings are what and to what.

Like u said, u got the energy to read books again...  And i Love reading and been doing so do long time... I have been reading a lot during the years I been PMO'ing.  But sometime is like I do it because I know I like it, not cause I want to... The thing is that those periods of time I usually been PMO once a month. And my anxiety and depression come first... 

What I understand from what been reading and what my therapist tells me, is that for me and my life, the real issue is not PMO. It's still something I need and want to quit. But as it been before In life, I have more or less longer periods off PMO. 

What's my real problem is codependency and I'm not consistent. I always put my own feelings,  thoughs and goals at sides for other people's opinion.

It's here my road to PMO starts. When I don't let other people opinions to effect me. I don't get anxious and PMO is not on my mind...

I never been thinking about porn like I just need it now! It have always been the same, I feel sad, tired without known reason, and instead of dealing with it, I stay strong and keep my life pace. And when  I can't sleep I scroll down instagram, or snapchat or something. And I see a smile or something that triggers. And at that point I was not in contact with myself, and I had little controller over what I really did. My anxiety was ruling. I just wanting to go away and kill mysel becuse I felt lonely. I was sad, needed to share my thoughts with someone close. But I didn't have that kind of friend to talk to. And I just wanted to be liked and loved..  Then I Googled P.

When I read people's stories, I get the feeling that many people have porn on their mind, and they are really into it. I feel like I don't fit in that category...

So when u write about the things. I get the principle, and I do agree, but I don't know if it really fits in my life.

What I do take to my heart thou is what u say about my mentors. It's true and that's what I need to confirm in my heart. They don't know me and they are not rescuer my life...  But still they have the power of my membership in the church. And I do want to be active, and the way is through the mentors...  I hope I can feel good enough soon, so I can talk to them with a balanced mind and maybe it will be easier to connect with them.

Today is 29 days.  Tomorrow I will reach 30 days again...  So I will get my new game. :)

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 22, 2016, 07:47:14 AM
30 days today!  Milesstone!

Am I happy, am I proud. No not really. I don't feel a thing.
It's like what ever. It feels like the porn is pit of my life, I don't feel like I want to watch anymore.. 

It feels like I have rewired my brain so when I'm sad, I really feel sad and think that I'm sad. Not that I'm horny or need porn anymore. I don't have any urge.

But I still look at girls butts, haha.

I'm not that depressed right now...  But I'm still not able of jumping put of bed. I still don't feel like I want to do something. I still have trouble enjoy stuff.

I thought I would use this day for meditation and goal setting. I hoped I could make some progress today and push myself in the right direction...

Read some books.

I have changed one thing thou, I did get a mail yesterday from kik that I have messages to answer. But I didn't reinstall  the app this time. I was tired and went for a sleep instead.

So what's the difference, I listened to my body and what I felt and did what was best for me... 

I felt I wanted to know what they want me on kik. It's the only text I have got for a long time. So it made me curious, but on the other hand, I dlnt have any real life friends on kik.

I dreamed about having a lunch with my brother wife and my friend from childhood and his wife. We have  it talked  or met for a long time. They live abroad.

I also dreamed that my car was stolen after the lunch and I had just picked it up before the lunch. I don't have a car in real life.. Haha.

Today I will look for my new game...  Next goal is 60 days. And I said I will have a dinner at the hotel with my wife...  But I belive I will change it to buy some gym equipment.

I feel little more positive today, but I have just woke up, let's see what th day will give me today...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 22, 2016, 09:43:22 PM
Been thinking about this day, and was little nervous about what it will give me.

I had promised myself to not install the social media apps thus time, to see what will happen and how I will feel. I don't feel bad or sad like I did last time when I was on kik for all day doing nothing.

So what happened to this day?  I was at work,  needed to leave some money and papers, deadline today. And I was at the store with my wife.  I didn't eat breakfast before, so I was little grumpy, and I felt like I usually did after PMO before, I was lowly and irritating. I did push my wife a little, and I know I thought the same thoughts I did so many times before.  "why do I like this".  I usually did that after I been PMO before, and after I been reading about everything, I belive I feel lonley, sad or something, and I need confirmation. But I can't express these feelings in words, so I do things I don't really want to do. And I feel bad for that I'm doing that. 

Then we came home.  I ate some food and then I played games all day and later I watched YouTube videos. No p-subs or something, just some Penn &  teller fool us. I still feel lowly and i haven't felt like buying these games I promised myself,  but i did it anyways, just becuse I promised me.  But I don't feel anything..

Tomorrow is work day again and I feel sad that I haven't been able to come out of my she'll today either. But I feel it's on the way.  And I still need some alone time and cry.

I do feel a little difference in my mind, and that's I have  a little little light inside of me that wants to play. It's something inside of me I feel want come out, but I m afraid of showing and I'm afraid of being judged again. 

It's hard to explain, but my anxiety is holding on to it, and I can't manage to let go.

Am I on the right way?  Yes I feel thats definitely true. But I'm so afraid right now of being judged, so I prefer to stay in my comfort zone and that's is something I haven't done for years... I have forgot how it feels.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 22, 2016, 10:36:38 PM
Now I think I can explain what I couldn't put word for before...

It's like I feel like I really would enjoy life soon.  It's something inside who tells me I can be close friend with my old friend soon. We can be better friends and I can respect her more.  I see that the porn have done some things to my head that didn't notice how I saw my friend as an object who only was there for making me happy...

I also belive I will be able to like things in the future.  Last couple of times I Bern doing stuff with friends, they have been cheering and laughing, but I couldn't enjoy the time fully. Once we were whale watching and all people on the boat was so high of the close encounter with the whales who only was 10 meters from the boat.  Everyone was smiling from ear to ear.  I'm just held my gopro and wondered why I couldn't enjoy the time as well.

I can't remember how my PMO usage was then, so can't say if I wasn't enjoyed the time because of the porn,  or if it was other things. Only way to tell is to keep this fight and see what it will make for me
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 23, 2016, 07:56:05 PM
The days is going on and I don't have any urges for PMO. That's good. But I still feel, hmm, I'm not not really her.  I am not in control of my life.

I hope it will get over soon. I will have two days of work now, so let see how it goes...

I thinking about what I want to do in life...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 24, 2016, 07:52:48 PM
Today im been playing games and just trying to not to occupy my brain with technology. I feel like I am just below the surface, i just need to push myself a little in the right direction. I have so much to talk about and need to take care of, and thats why i feel so low. its so much unsolved things on my shoulders. After i finished the game, I started spotify, and tried to come in contact with my emotins. Some tears was making my eyes wet, and i felt like i need to let go. but i couldnt...

I was staring and my wife started to ask me about what she could do. She are like a flight steward, "can I get u a coffee? a blanket? a hug?" i reminded her about the talk we had with the therapist about that and smiled. She smiled back and then started to listen instead. Now we been talking for a couple of hours and it feels better. I have not cried yet, dont know if i need to either. probably i do indeed need

During our talk she unconsciously took her foot and touched my knee. I am an emotional being and noticed it immediately, i did ask her what she was feeling. And she didnt know. I told her to stop touching me and at the same time look inwards to see if she can recognize the feeling. (It was not that i didnt want her to touch me, it was just interesting) she laugh and said she felt uncomfortable now when I made her conscious about it. She said she felt safe and if she would let go, she would feel empty, alone and cold.

It was that i wanted to hear and talk about, I asked her about that feeling. If that feeling only was meant for girlfriend and boyfriend relationships. Is that love? She told me no. And finally i could explain for her what i felt for my close friend and what i been trying to explain for her. My mentors told me that feeling was love, I did protest, but they said i wouldn't trust my heart on this one, it can be deceive-full. Because of my anxiety and life experiences, I did listen to them more than to my own feelings, and started to say to myself that my feelings are wrong, and i should not have that kind of feelings. But at the same time I have been felt like I was working against nature and making me more  depressed. It made me happy to have someone understand, and even better it was my wife.  She told me that my relationship with my friend was not wrong, my feelings for her was ok. But probably my friend have not been straight and honest with her feelings. I have tried to explain this kind of feelings before for my friend, because i have never felt it before. I tried my best to explain what i meant and at the same time make sure she understood it was not love. Well my friend took it like love anyways, sadly.

I can see that because of my dads problems with alcohol and his lack of giving me protection, and my mom who herself felt alone, empty and cold during my childhood, couldn't give me those feelings. It felt good to have someone to understand. My therapist have been supportive from day one, and have also seen the same thing. But its not the same thing having your therapist support you as when a close friend or family member really doing it. :)

i still not have that urge for porn. I get some thoughts about it sometimes, but i manage to not let them stay in my head, and I dont want them either. But i still dont have so much motivation to do things in life...

I have two things I wanna do, and need to do.

1. The How? The What? The Why?
2. Read a book

I need to take time to sit down, peacefully and meditate over "Why do I wanna live?" and "Why am I doing Nofap?" "Why do I want to travel? or be a Christian?" ans so on. I have already done this before in my life, but now when I am in new stage of life, I need to make new decisions about the things i earlier decided to do. Its like when i was around 12 years old, one day i just looked at my walls, and saw all those posters. I remember how i thought to myself. "What? its a little kid who live in here, im not a little kid!" and i started to take them down. The decision was pretty easy for me then. But all those things in life i have now? wow... Its definitely not the same thing. Things i have done for all my life, who is a part of me, i need to throw away. And i need to be assure its the right thing i throw away. I dont talk about NoFap now, thats thing is gone from life. But these others things in my head who are attached to my anxiety...

I need to read books. Books i want to read and making me walk in the right direction. I do read the bible daily, and i do know its good for me. And i do it even when i dont feel like it, i dont want to mess up my routine... It like when u decide to go to the gym. If you only would show up at the gym the days u had time over, or the days u had energy. It wouldn't help u to much. IT better to be at the gym and do some half hearted exercises then non at all. One day you will tell yourself, i need to step up, i need to make a decision, really exercise or quit the gym. Its hard thou to quit the gym, because u know it makes u feel better in the long run. Thats how i feel right now with my beliefs, deep down in my heart i really do know whats best for me and i do know what to do, but i dont have the motivation. And thats probably because i forgot "the why?" somewhere.  I know i need to find it again, and when i do, i need to hold tight to it an never let go.

I have done this trip before, its just that i dont have that strong fences who are protecting me when it get windy in life, i loose the grip easily and keep going on strength even when i lost "the why". I do it for long period of times and get lowly and depressed. I need to get up again and make better protection against other peoples opinions and keep my head in the game. I need to stop be the "strong" one, and keep my mind on "the why" thats motivates me and make life enjoy-full!

It feels better now im on my way....

Its 32 days now, last time i made it to 39. I have made some changes since last time, and ive got better support from wife now. So it feels like i will make it. Its also been 72 days since i started Nofap for real, and only had one small slip. Even if its not been "all clean" its waaaaay better then 4 times a week like it was before i took the decision. even if i did restart my counter that day, i now see it as a whole journey, and 72 days is really good, and have done some serious changes in my brain, even if i cant see it, and even if most anxiety is still there, its better.

Yesterday we saw "love actually", it was some triggers in that movie, i didnt have any urge do PMO thou, and i didnt saw it as P-subs either. And when Natalie kissed the prime minster at the end of the movie, i was sitting there smiling from ear to ear. When i noticed, i felt so good to be able to enjoy a movie for real.

Over and out!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 25, 2016, 10:20:11 AM
Woke up to day 33.

Yesterday I talked with my wife about the feelings I had for my friend and tonight I dreamed about my friend. I dreamed she was visiting and came in to my room, she smiled and closed the door behind her. I said that it would not be good if people know we are in here tougher. She smiled and said she doesn't mind, and said she wanted a hug. So we hugged and I felt that comfort I talked with my wife about the day before...

The dream ended, or I don't remember more. I still feel bad for these kind of dreams... But becuse of everything that happen between us and what I've been told, I feel like those feelings are wrong and need to stop.  But on the other hand I understand that feelings are true, and will tell u something. And what feelings do I feel?

I do feel sadness, low, I feel warmth and comfort. Feelings that is all fine to feel towards friends. Its not love, it's the feeling of someone see that u are lowly and want to hug u. Or that in this case in my dream, she felt she needed a hug for comfort and she wanted it from me...  It is like siblings, and family. Close bonds of friendship.

Those feelings should I not be embarrassed to feel. Nor should I depress them. But I need to cope with the feelings of loss. Becuse when I woke up, I feel sad, lowly and remembered the dream. So I feel sad for not being able to contact her, not being able to get that hug, and that makes me depressed...  I need to cry and let it go, but I suppress my feelings instead. And that is not good in the long run for the PMO.

I never did the two things I needed to do yesterday. I watched a movie with my wife instead...  So I need to do it today...  Tomorrow I will work again...

33 days thou, I'm telling me it's good, but I don't really feel or care that much anymore...  I have bigger problems in my life then PMO.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 25, 2016, 02:55:01 PM
Who do you turn to, when the only person in the world  who can stop you from  crying  is exactly the same person who making  u cry?
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 26, 2016, 05:29:08 PM
Day 34

Still no urges for PMO. It's all gone!

Still low and miss my friend. 
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 26, 2016, 09:12:43 PM
Counting down, one hour to day 35.

I don't been M, MO or PMO for 35 days now... It feels like I'm in control, I do t have any urges at all. The emptiness I before felt and filled with porn are gone...

But I am still not all here and now as I want to...  But That's probably not because of the P. 

Mostly of my life i don't even think about P. Most of the day I "keep strong"  and survive the day...  I know it's not a life should be lived. But I'm so used to live like this so it's my normal...  I hate it thou.

I hope I can manage it better and better. I need to stop fighting, and just be.

I did the two homeworks I told my self to do. And it felt much better, but today it back again. It's a little bit better.

Yesterday I wrote 7 A4 pages of things, thoughs and feelings I have for my friend who left me...  It was good to get it out on paper (read screen).  So many questions and so  many sad feelings, and still I miss her...  It Terrible...

It feels like Im right under the surface right now...  It's like I can just can throw everything inside away and get the good feeling.

I wonder why I don't do it? I guess it is because this is my normal, and I'm used to feel like this.. I'm comfortable with the uncomfortable. And feel happy and great is outside my comfortzone...  So I need to use my courage to make it..

It sound funny. But I promise u all, it doesn't feel funny...

I hate my anxiety!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 27, 2016, 12:09:03 PM
day 35

Yesterday, before i went to bed, i reminded me of a conversation i had with my friend for long time ago, i asked her what she is doing right before she go to bed and fall a sleep. she said she was going through her schedule for the next day in her head. I would be so happy if I could do that, i did that when i was younger, but when somewhere on the way to get grow up, I started to just hate go to bed, and stayed up all nights, and when i finally made it to the bed, i had insomnia, and i felt so bad, i just wanted to die... so my sleeping habits got real messed up and anxiety went higher and the PMO to. I remember the time I met my wife 2005. I was working 6 am - 11 pm 6 days a week. came home and was so hyped up after the day i used all night to stress down with chatrooms, cybersex and porn until the morning. I slept 2-4 hours every night.

But yesterday I felt like, "hmm, wonder what i will do tomorrow?" I was happy to get feeling of willing to do something, and I said to myself, that right now i need to sleep, and for tomorrow I will sit down and go trough what i want to do with my life...

I have done this many times, I do schedule's and keep them for a period of time, but something happens, i get depressed and the routines get messed up and i feel more depressed. My real problem is not PMO, my real problem is codependency. When i do a schedule i do it for my own best, but during the days, things happens and i feel like i need to shift my rouitines so it fits with my wife or other people opinions...

I had a great schedule before i started rebooting, and i kept that routine the first weeks. but when my mentors told me i was on the wrong road, i hit a wall and went sad and depressed. I stopped my rouitnes and just fought for getting up from the bed everyday... I felt like they took my life from me. But the truth is that my life is non of their business. What i really need to do, is that I need to learn to take advices but let them go if they not good for me. I need to stop get upset or take it personal like I am worthless, i need to keep my mind on my own goals and keep my head up and working on my self-care. thats more important then making other people happy by listening of their opinions.

Dont get me wrong here, we all need advices. If someone told me i need to stop PMO, i would listen to that advice and not say "I do what ever i want with my life". What i mean is that I need to stay focus on what i believe is good for me and my wife lives, before i follow others people advices. They may be correct and true advices, but not fit in my situation.  It's only me who know my life and its me who spent all time with myself and it unfortunately only me who will spend all time with me rest of my life too. I need to be my own best friend first, and keep my own promises first.

This is not new things for me, i have got to this conclusions many times, and done severals start ups in my life. And I learn things from every mistake. The willingness is strong but not mu consistent. I talked with my wife yesterday and highlighted this. I dont remember if i wrote about this experience before, but i will do it again. One time a was volunteer for guarding a entrance to an office. I should stop everyone from coming in. But people told me. "I just need a minute with Mr. X", "I need to see my dad, Mr. Y" "Can i PLEASE come in, its important to meet Mr. Z". After a little while one of my bosses came out and asked me who is in charge of guarding the door. I raised my hand and said it was me, he told me that tis doesn't work, I told him about what people told me, and he said. I get u, but u need to stay firm, u need to be consistent. I will get u a second chance, if it not will work out, we will get u another position. His words got direct to my heart and i stand tall against everyone who tried to enter the door from now, i even stopped the head chief who had his office in there, three times. the third time he smiled big and said, U are doing a great job here!

My wife remembered that and it was way back in the 2009, we have been married for only 2 years, and later that year i started to feel depressed, in 2010 i changed my job and in nov 2010 i was not able to work because of my depression was so severe. I told my wife about how I remember the time we met and started to date, and that I had some rules in life to stay positive and have self-esteem. I read about one thing in the book "The magic of thinking big" (David J. Schwartz, Ph.D.) that to get a good self-esteem and a positive life u could make some actions in life to help u get there. I did many of them before i met my wife, one of them was "be a front seater". As soon we would go to a meeting, i always wanted to sit in the front row, so i could focus better. But she felt ashamed, and was not willing to deal with it, i said to myself its not a big deal, so i changed my behavior for my wife. Ant thought wh that was what i should do now when im married, i need to make some changes to meet my wife. When we talked about this stuff i started to remember several things that i have changed, things that been fundamental for me, I did those changes because i wanted to fit with my wife better, i dont wanted to argue, im a nice guy and i dont keep my own will for other people, i lay flat and make them do what ever they want to do, just to make them happy.

This is my biggest issue in life, i let other people rule me and tell me what to do. Like with my friend, i felt some things was wrong, I talked with her about it and she told me she had no problems with holding hands or cuddling. So we kept doing it, and i felt it was okey as long as she felt it was ok. I did not do it in secret, we cuddled and hold hands when my wife was around, and my friend shared a blanket with me during movie nights and my wife was on the other side...

So when i want to do something, I always think about how other people will react and think, and even if i want to do something i dont do it if its known that someone else will not like it or if i feel like someone is against me... Like with the advices my mentors gave me. I felt a new start, i felt like i was going to a new level in life and i was going strong. I felt so happy and i was presence, here and now and felt so happy. The day they told me i was wrong, all that energy left me, i got depressed and started to think what I was doing wrong, what they wanted me to do, and all those things that made me not trust my own feelings and instead make there opinions more value full then my own. I need to build a new life, on steady pillars and solid ground.

My wife was fully supportive on this and said it was true that i made many sacrifices for her, but i had took some real personal things away and sadly it have been because of my wife. she see this and she is sorry for that. Outside people see us like I am the weak one and my wife is so great and she is so strong to live with me... our therapist on the other hand is in line that my codependency and my wifes matter of using this, have been a big impact on my health. She have with her life, made me to change me to make her happy. but she been unwilling to change herself. She did realize this for some weeks ago and she now have started to work on some stuff to make it better. Its not that she need to change who she is. It that she need to get rid of her fears in life, because her fears intervene  with our happiness.

here is some exemples.

Ones we was driving home a summer night, and I wanted to do a skinny dipping with her. She smiled and said ok. When we finally found a great spot, in the forest, she never left the beach. I told her to jump in, but she was so scared that someone would steal our cloth and car that she stood on the beach with my cloth in her hands and looked at the car the whole time. It was 2 am in the middle of nowhere and it was only we two there. She couldn't relax and have fun, and I got so angry.

When we was dating I drove an Audi A4 and she loved that i could drive a car, she didnt have license her own back than, and some times i did some drifting with her, and she loved it and thought i was soooo coool. When we was married and i did it again with some friends in the car, and one old lady. My wife was like that night we would skinny dip, she was so scared what the others in the car should say and do that she gave me the angry face and told me to stop it. My friends laught hysterical in the backseat while i drifted and the old lady just shouted out happily "Wiiiiieeeeee".

I have a lot of this kind of stuff, when i feel like im alive, when im happy, relaxed, here and now, and many of those times my wife had told me to stop. she is afraid, ashamed and so on. Now when we talked about it, she do understand that it was nothing to be ashamed of, and it was not me doing anything wrong. And she did indeed was making me feeling bad for just be myself. The one she wanted to marry.

But now she have realized this she have start to dream again, and want to do crazy stuff again... And i need to be positive now... I need to keep this feeling and make a new life with her again.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 27, 2016, 08:13:57 PM
what is life?

What is my life? what am I doing? what do I want to do? What is my goals?

Many questions I have, and I have been answering them long time before. But now, with new experiences and new perspectives, i need to go through these questions again!

I was going to, then my wife came home, and the minute she walked in the apartment, i felt like my calm and peaceful mindset was gone and i couldnt concentrate anymore. So i spent time with my wife instead. But deep down i felt like i needed to get these questions answered.  No its bed time, but i will take time for this. Its important for making a better life.

I know it is some things i need to work on. But what I really want to do is to have a life, something that makes me want to go up in the morning. I had that kind of life before, and i do know what i want deep down in my heart. It just that its buried and so hard to get close...

The PMO is in control, i had some thoughts today, but it was because of the anxiety of these questions and not being able to manage them.

I need a stronger why.. thats for sure... because right now, i dont know really why i am doing this reboot. maybe i feel like this because its been some great weeks off PMO and my brain is slowly starting to heal.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 28, 2016, 02:39:32 PM
Been working today. Been a usual day. Nothing to hide and nothing to tell... 

It feels good to be close to 39 days again...  The days goes fast now and these 39 days been better then the first period. I had more urges and deeper depressions. This 39 days it been more like something in between all the time...  No urges and no real fun either... I look forward to enjoy life soon.

I'm little sad when I see pics off my old friend...  She is happy, doing stuff and seams like she forgot about me. She don't text me nor ask my wife about me. And she is one of very few I been totally open hearted for... 

So it makes me sad that I did trust her with my information, now it's like a stranger who know all my life...  I still wonder if we will talk to each other again? I wonder what she really is thinking. I still wonder what her true feelings was, if she really did care but felt what she did, or if she just felt strange with me and just wanted me to go away. I know she told me she wanted me, and she liked me and so on. But she also haven't talked to me for almost a year.... That's  not very friendly. I wonder if she cares and dont want to get to close. Our if she dont care at all and feels so relieved that I'm not a part in her life anymore...

I know we said we would leave all behind, and she wanted to meet. But I till feel this feelings of anxiety when I see her, and it makes my stomach to feel ill, and I feel like I can't be myself around her anymore and that I need to keep a distance...  But what I really want is to be relaxed around her.

Well, I know I have a anxiety disorder, and that I am like I am.  I do try to get better, I read and make actions to be better at social events and close relationships. But still I need a friend who are willing to enjoy the times I'm anxious and let me be me.

Most people just want to be with me as long as I'm feel happy. They think I'm wierd when I'm anxious, and most off them take a step back when I need a hug!

See you tomorrow
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 28, 2016, 11:47:52 PM
Was going to watch a movie today, vhs. It's a horror.  Didn't say much on the cover, it felt just interesting...  It was much triggers in it. And some things we don't like to watch, about ghosts and stuff. So we stopped it and watched another movie instead.

I found myself getting a boner when some girls showed some skin and boobs...   But it was  it like the old days, but I still wanted some more...  After my wife went to bed I was stuck at the TV, and later started the horror again to watch the other films.  (it was 5 or 6 short ones bundled up I  one) I fast forward to see if it was more girls and bare skin.

It was not that much, but the story was the same for all movies. It was about sex, blood and murder.

I then realized this might been a P-Subs. But I will probably say it's not...  I think I will need to make a difference here...  For See a girl and get hard is somewhat normal. On or off screen. And then being able to see it for what is it, and not take the next step to M or looking for more. When I felt this kind of feelings was raising in me, I stopped lurking, and went for bed.

I'm proud over myself to handle it so nice. And see the difference between my addiction and normal arousal. And I also learned that I can't be to hard on my self. I will see girls and skins in the future, I need to learn to handle it.

The other movie we saw was better, and it was some triggers to, will not tell any details. But I did not see the S on screen the same way as before. It was only a part off the movie..  And i didn't get aroused as I used to be and just waiting for PMO. What it did thou was to remind me that my wife very very very seldom take initiative to sex. And it makes me little sad...  She never pursue me or "getting wild" and just want me.

Maybe this is messed up from the PMO and moviescens... And i dont really don't know. I have only had one partner. What my wife will do when she want to have some time in bed, is that she just ask out loud, with normal voice. U want to cuddle?

I have many times just grabbed her right away she come home, rip of her clothes and just do all for her. She often ruins it with all those things she are afraid off.  She stops in the middle of the act, and close the curtains,  even if it's no neighbours or clear view to our room. And to be able to see something u need to have binoculars.

It so many times I have been soo frustrated over all these kind of things she are scared of that have  no possibility in real life...

Once she thought a man on a scooter would come and kidnap her, when we was ice-skating on a lake out in the forest. Closest house was 1km away.

Sometimes I been laughing at her for having such a great imagination. But it never stops, and it's always about things that she will be murderd, kidnapped, raped and so on...

I have never thought about it before, but she may be more in stable then me. I mean who will run from the lake of ice scating, when there is only you by yourself?

It would be more accurate to be afraid that the ice would crack, fall and drown. I hope she can make it to be more proud of herself and get better self-esteem. So she could enjoy life better and don't be so afraid of things.

That's probably why I like my friend so much. She have a strong own will, and know what she wants in life. And she raise her voice when she need to. My wife is like a puppy, who just wait for and obey orders many times...

Some people will probably say that not raising your voice is a good thing, and I am happy that I don't have a wife that yells at me all the time and who are super angry once a month. But to have one who always keep quite and don't feel like she not allowed to speak up, is not making it better either...

I know she have this from her childhood... It's not me who been suppressed her, I have done the opposite, I have argued to let her speak her mind. I have worked hard to get to know what she wants so we can make a good decision. But most of the time she been telling me what she things is right and what she thinks  I am looking for. Not for what she really want to and feel for.

It vette  on, but this new life of hers ha e only been some weeks. And she is not in therapy regularly, and she is not working on it in the same way as I do with my life and talking weekly with my therapist..

Well need to sleep now, talking with him early tomorrow

37 days now. Going strong...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 29, 2016, 04:02:07 PM
whats the single most important thing to learn to make a new life? Its focusing on the why and build a strong why!

Why am I doing this change?

For a better life?
For myself?
Someone told me so?

The reason behind to stop PMO is what make us get to our goal or not. We need to get it down in our hearts so it will stay there what so ever. We need to have that why to a lifetime commitment, its not a 90 days challenge, its a life time commitment that will change your whole future...

I remember an old colleague of mine who have stopped snus (oral tobacco). I asked him if ever feels like he want to start again, and why he dont do it... his answer came fast and fast right on spot. "If i start again, i did use time to quit for no purpose, i wasted that time, and i dont want to do it again."

Why start PMO after 90 days when u already have fought through the bad part and now know what it makes u. I read sometime that only watching P one time, will make u value your GF less. And is that kind of person we really want to be?

I dont want to, and my wife she sat down in my lap today and smiled, and said "i fall in love with you again". I love that u are getting back to the "normal" u!

I have been off PMO before, and I had some great times, but i have always come back to PMO when the sadness strikes...

I talked with my therapist today and we concluded that i need to work on my protection. Like Trevor Lowe says in hes talks, I need to develop a "negg-Shell". I really loves it like it is no, even if i dont have anyone to talk to more then my wife and my therapist, i dont socialize with other people and therefore i dont get sad, i can rehabilitate in my own speed. I like it. But my wife come home sometimes and tells me what her friends say about me and how they react. If i dont have my superman suit on, in cant stop the bullets hurting me and I easliy get sad again. one of those friends said to her today. "Now when your husband is dissfellowshiped, he will see that he have friends!" Its people i have talk to before and said i dont have any friends i can talk to who are willing to listen or just hang out with me. People are just friendly, nice and behave. Most of them are not honest interested in me or like me. If all things was reveresed, i would said kind of: "Its sad about your husband, i do really miss him, he is a good guy, i hope he will come back soon so i can hug him and let him know i have missed him!" Thats what i thinks a real friends would say. The first sentence just reveals that the person think the person is negative and need to change his behavior, and the right thing to look at it as through there perspective. They dont make the time to listen and do the work that is needed to engourge, its just words that come out of the mounth to make themsleves feel like they are doing right.

Its like giving money to the red cross to unburden your heart, but 2 seconds later, u have forgot about it and will never think about it again. ITs not what it mean to be "real" in my opinion...

An this is the thing that makes my head go nuts, I doesnt care if it a 16 year old girl, a mom or dad or a 70 year old man who lived his life, if the person not say or do it in a real honest heart, upfront and personal. It does not worth anything, its just words coming out to be nice so you protect yourself. Things u say in this state, are fueled by fear, fear of rejection. People dont want to say or be themselves in the believes to loose there social position. I think its so sad and so bad. And i always have fought for this from early age in school, to be able to stand up for what u u think and who u are, but i have never get a good protection against peoples reactions toward my behavior. Im doing my thing, i dont do anything actually wrong, i just do it differently, and that is a nail in the eye for some people and they dont want to get close, because we cant fit, it will make them feel like they doing something wrong, they just want to relax and have fun. When i tell them about this kind of things, they tell me im thinking to much, i need to relax and just leave it.

And that is exactlu what i need to do, i need to stop thinking so much about how other people react to my behavior, and think about how i can fit in and make friends. As long as i dont do anything wrong, i can live happy and those who dont get me, to bad for them. Its there loss, not mine.

I need to make new friends, and i need to trow away a lot of them and see them as acquaintances. its not a big deal. Now when i write about this i can reminid me of an article about Myer Briggs and INFJ. That we who are INFJ often have two sorts of friends but there is three. We often have "close friends" and we have "strangers", we have real difficulties to handle the middle segment of acquaintances. Who we dont know how to talk to. Because we want real, close and honest relationships talking about this kind of deep stuff. We want to talk about it without any thing in the middle and just let two brains openly to share each other. That feeling so sooooooo way better then any PMO or S or O.

So what is my why? i will quit this habit to get full control over my brain, and want to use it to stuff i think is important. Like support people, give them a shoulder to lean on, and make them feel like they can open up to me. I Want that kind of friendships, and i want them without destroying my own life. I need to build up my protection and i need to use it without building up anxiety and tensions in my body. I need to practice and let things just be as they are and dont pick up other people opinions like its my responsibility to make them change their behavior. I do want to help people, and the best way to help people is to let them know that they are okey as they are, and when trust is built up, they will come and ask for the advices themselves. The only time i need to speak up, is when they cross the line to my life, and say or do tings that hurts me. It is then approviate to say "Stop saying that to me, it made me feel sad, and dont to it again" or relaxed just calm say "What do mean about that?" and they will be of target and need to think again what they just said.

I have done that some times, and one time women did it to me. I loved the way she did it, because it just made me think again of what i just said and could see that i did say something that may have been bad. She gave me the chance to make it better without letting me feel bad about it. And when i have used on people, they ust. "hmm, what, uhhh" and went silent, and their looks show that they understand that they never thought about what they just said, and now understand that they said something stupid.

day 37 soon to end, and working tomorrow again...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 30, 2016, 04:10:01 PM
38 days

Feel better today.  Been at work and thought about a great question that made me get perspective on my friends.

Let's say u have a great day all alone, u feel awesome and u are doing something up really enjoy. U are just happy and don't think about anything else. It's nothing at all that stresses u.  Be in that feeling and imagine you get a visit from 5 people. Who will those five be? There will only be one rule, u need to stay in that feeling of no stress together with those other 5 persons who joins.

When u have got your five. U will be able to welcome two more that you will join the gathering. If u still can be yourself, and feel like u still don't have anything to worry about, u can do whatever u want.  And then imagine that u will let someone go. Who will it be? And will you feel empty, sad or like it's missing something of that person didn't was there?

We talked about this when we come home and it was really nice to be deep with my wife.  She loved this questions and was really spinning for what it all made her feel about her friends... 

It made it easy to recognize who we belive are about true friends... We had some people in common  we both choosed.

And we then asked if we belive those people we picked, will picked us? And we think some will and some will not..

One thing that came into light, was my fried I been talking ab out.  She was one of my five people I wanted to be there togheter with me. But only if she was her free and happy self,  that she have been most time together. So I didn't know really if she would make it to the top 5. But I would miss her if she wasn't there..

The sad thing was that, if I told her to do this exercise and make her top 5. Both me and my wife belived that my friend would not pick us to the top 5. Even if she have called me her best friend, and all that stuff...  We do know, if we would ask her, she will say our names, to be nice. But who she really was going to pick, non of us could tell.

It was little sad to think about it. But also refreshing, it makes it easier to forget about her and realize she was not a good friend, and we need to work on our relationship more if we going to make it to each others top 5.

Happy for day 38 today. It feels really good
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 31, 2016, 02:18:05 PM
Day 39

I made it to 39 days last time. I had some bad days and I had difficulty to cope with me anxiety.  This time I feel much better and I really feel like I'm on the right path.  I'm feeling better and I'm more focused.  I can laugh and I feel some joy in life...

Looking forward to see 40 on my counter tomorrow, and know for sure I'm on my way!

I stillfeel like I need to set up more goals.  But I read something about taking time and go slow...  That's what I'm not very good at.  Haha.  So I will focus slowly.  Let be sure to build a strong solid base first before I build the house. I'm so eager to have my house that I don't use enough time on the base. Even if I feel like I'm wasting time, I need to do it right this time.  Learn from past experiences.

I hade one friend who last year told me.  "more people should be like u, who are open and so willing to learn from past mistakes."

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 01, 2017, 12:43:21 AM
I'm laying here in my bed, with insomnia...  My head speeds a out my ex best friends. I think about all the things she been said about being close, best friend's, how much she appreciated me, I think about what she been telling me. And all those makes me so sad when I remind me of how things are now. When we don't talk to each other at all. And  about what she wrote in her email a half a year ago. When she told me the she "always been feeling strange".

Its really difficult to understand and get a clear picture of what is true and what is just words...

I think about why she felt strange to be close to me and not want to talk with me when I have showed so many times that I really cared. I told her several times I may have deficulties to show and act, but I do really care.  I get the feeling that she don't wanted to be close to me because she felt it was wrong to be to close friend to a male. She have told me several times she don't intressred in having a bf.  And If she thinks so, it's perfect and I will respect that. But I do know she had a boyfriend, and I do know she talked to other males about her feelings or at least let them talk to her about their feelings..   In other words. She was close friend with other males. And I have social anxiety and I have been betrayed so many times. And I did told her that. So I said to her she need to be honest with me if she wanna be my friend. I have difficulties to trust people and she promised me to stay with me. She promised me to not stop talking to each other.  I told her that I was afraid that she only was nice to me, and one day she will tell me she is tired of being with me. That she never liked it. And I told her when we moved, that I was afraid that she was happy, so she didn't need to see me as often and could relax more. She said she was sad for me moving. And later she told me she was missing me, my hugs and she said she needed me in her life.

She never told me what was true or not. She only said she felt strange. Didn't know what it was, but no she does. She was afraid of telling me. And we can't be best friends anymore, but she want to be friends.

It so many questions. So many things that makes me feel anxious. And anxious feelings gives me thoughts a out PMO.  That's why I want to talk with her and go through all this once for all. But she don't like to talk and she, what it looks like and feels like, she have a great life and don't think about this anymore.

So I need to go on with my life, and cope with these feelings in an other way.

But my mind keeps coming back to her. I have thinking about this everyday since may 2016. And it doesn't makes me feel better. Its always the same feelings...

I feel bad, disliked, unloved and worthless. I feel that because I was real and honest against a friend is trusted. And she did break up with me. It feels like she did that because I am wrong. Because I am not right and I need to change.  So I am likeable and people could love me...

But I know that kind of feelings coming from codependency and from my childhood traumas, trying to get evaluated by be in a special kind of way to be recognized.

The feelings comes from when  my dad ignored me or didn't have time as he said to visit me because of his work... I felt like his work was more important then me, so I tried to be better so he could like me more then his job.

I do understand, now when I'm adult, that my dad did not feel good. He had trouble with alcohol and he was workoholic as well. I could been the president, it wouldn't change anything about his behavior toward me. And I need to remind me that my value is not set from other people opinions. I have the same value as everybody else in the world.

I had All this feelings before I even started with PMO. So quiting PMO will not take them away.  It will only help me to not make them worse. The bad thing is that will feel this feelings until I find protection and better ways to cope my anxiety.

It's better, it's 40 days today. But the anxiety keeps coming back and the insomnia too. It's 79 days since I started this journey, and only one small slip at 39 days...  My anxiety and lowly feelings I have now, can not be withdrawals,  can it?

I don't know, but it don't seems legit to have it so long time after...  Even if I had that small skill and rested my counter..  That slip was really short and it was not really P. I will not make it less, I did wrong to do it. But is it really accurate to say it messed up my brain completely and because my counter was reseted, it does not  mean my brain was back to zero and need to do all things all over again?

It's like u have white cloths on you and u get a little dirt on your pants. Almost invisible. And compare it to rolling in the dirt.

I need to be more protactive towards myself. I need to build up my confusion, and rely on  myself more. And keep telling me I'm good as I am. I don't need my ex friend to be happy. I will miss her,  and the good days..

But what I want, is that I want to be able to see a pic of her or or think about her, without getting this ball in my stomach, and feel anxious. I want to be able to see her say hi, without the feeling of.  "now I need to behave, so she don't missunderstands me again"

It's silly to have these though...  Because we don't live in the same country anymore... And we probably will see each other only once a year.. But for me, I can't live a normal life...  I live with anxiety and feelings how it will make me safe to see her next time. And I don't even know If I will see and talk to her again...

Living with social anxiety and codependency tand and also be HSP is not an easy task. Haha.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 01, 2017, 03:59:56 PM
Day 40.

Only slept 4, 5 hours...  Didn't hear the alarm clock today either...  Great i wake-up anyway and made it in time to work.

I'm feeling as my usual me. It's better but not good.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 02, 2017, 06:19:19 PM
Day 41

Installed kik again. But after a hour of procrastination, I deleted it again...  It's hard to get controlled over the feelings. I'm so curious if someone have sent me a message...  But she would they? I don't have any irl friends who uses Kik.

Had time with my therapist today. It went good.   It I have been grumpy and irritated all day. And u wanted to sleep away the day.  But I had some work to do, so I had to go.

Good thing is that I have made new deal today and getting some more work.

Tales about friendship with my therapist today. And he said something interesting. He asked me what a friend was?  I tried my best to explain. He also asked me how a brother are?  He then explained that it's not that strange that I don't have any references and can tell what it is. Because of my history and life experiences.

I fried for me is one you can hang out with, outside the daily routines. Someone u meet outside a job, school or some hobbies. I will say it's a big difference to be friendly, and to be friends.

He got my point and helped me to realize that I will not find my dad in other people. I need to make a deal with my self and make a clear difference about who is who. And what kind of friend.

Still  no PMO and that's great!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 03, 2017, 12:18:12 AM
This was really wierd...

Or maybe not...

I have felt upset today, and been difficult to handle my emotions. I read and write down my feelings, was going to bed but ended up with YouTube...  Something is going on here...  No I remember how I use this technology to keep my head from thinking air cope with my feelings...

Come across some videos about stupid Internet challenges, and some what with women nudity... I felg like I wanted to PMO...  I felt that road was lighten up and I felt sad and wants my old friend PMO to Comfort me.

I recognized the feelings and changed video, and didn't go back. Yes, victory!    But I'm so sad for still feeling like this...  Then I came across some documentary about teens in prison. I felt so for them, and they talked about their feelings, history and so on.. It was so like my own feelings, I have always pushed those feelings away before,  but now I can admit I have them. One girl was asked if someone loved her, she didn't now, and the  she got asked if she loved herself. Obviously not.

I felt so alike, I could feel her pain. Several of the kids talked about physically, emotionally and sexual abuse. They talked about the exact same thing I  the head. U are  nice and want to do good, but something clicks in the head and u make bad choices.

Sometimes I belive I have DID, two personalities. Because of my past experiences.

Back to YouTube. I changed the video. But it was strange...  I didn't need to force my self. I only did something else...  But I also didn't use my inner convinsion to assure myself that this was the right thing to do.

The conclusion is that my subconscious mind been changing and choose to not use PMO for that feeling I had. And that's great. BUT!  I wasn't presence, I wasn't here and  now. I was  not in contact with my feelings. So I have  not been able to really realize how good this is. And I'm still feel like shit. Because I have not been abled to confront  release my feelings.

This making me stressed. Becuse tomorrow is work again. And I have messed up sleeping habits. It 2 am now. And I have e a meeting 10am. Then work 2pm-9pm.

This  means I will have difficulties to stress down, and do a great job. It makes its harder to mediate and found what's hiding inside me. Because I will be stressed for work.

And how do I deal with it? I say I will go to bed, then I read a book, install a game, look at YouTube, write in my personal  journal and make new decisions to go to bed. And now I'm here again. Writing, and trying to figure out my pain and use technology for  distraction.

It's not that strange. It's not many people who willingly wants to slam your thumb with a hammer with purpose. That's how I feel about mediate and take time for myself. I know it will hurt and it make me cry, feel abonded, rotten, and all kind of things. And I need to go trough it to have peace with.  My mind in the future...  And the only way to make me in contact with my emotions, is to let me feel all this sad emotions from my inner wounds...  It's not easy at all and it takes time...  I can't do it all out he same day...

But I know for sure, I need to cry again...  Its something that makes me sad.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 03, 2017, 09:35:19 PM
I do really have a wonderful wife... 

I dont know if it's because of her own  experiences about her cheating on me and how she felt good when  I supported her fully in make her shape up again. Or maybe it's because she read the books I gave her and she see the big picture. She understands my addiction has nothing to do with her. And she also knows I am loving her and I do try to show her as. I much as I can.

I told her about my late night yesterday with the experiences of YouTube. And I told her the whole story like I wrote here. She was proud of me when I told her I did look at other bids instead. I told her a out my feelings and how I been anxious l day.

I had promised myself to not use technology this evening. When  I came home, I had forgot about it and i going to instagram and did a new account there.

It's weird, when I'm this tired and I  this state of mind, I am I  my clouds and it's really hard to do what I really want to do...   

I told my wife about one challenge I found, the test for "real women", put a pen under your boob and if it stays, u are are a real woman. And I told her that one girl could do it with a coke. When  we came home I found the clip and shared it with her. She just laughed and was Impressed. I asked if she could make it to. And she walked away to found a bottle.

This is the thing...  I was thinking she might will be sad of I told her a little the video and what I had found. But she didn't feel like I was looking at the girls...

It made me comfortable, and realized also I got the confirmation that a boob is not only sexual. It depends how u look at it and how u do with the image I  your head.

I did not PMO. And I either wanted to  M or O. Some of the pics I saw made  made be hard, and I started to think k about it, what to do and so on. So I did walk in to my wife in out bedroom, she was going to bed. And I wenr together with her and I gave her some massage and we had sex.

It was not that good, we both was tired after a long day, who didn't started as I wanted. My computer worker called me 8 am and asked why I did t drove the bus. Which should have been started 6.30am. Later we saw what's wrong, I never got the correct timetables for our shifts this week. And that was my boss fault, and he is on vacation. 

So the day ended with some  nice talk with my wife and  o PMO. I still feel little anxious,  it I'm tired, will fall asleep anytime  now.

But I am little scared, confused and curious. How come I get this feelings approximately once a month. I usually PMO ed  a short period (1-3) once a month before... And it was long time ago I understood that this dip I  my emotions comes first, the PMO after. So it can't be the PMO who making me feel like this...

It must  be something else... Well it will be interesting to use how this goes now...  I did change the habit toward my wife. And that's better and good for the rewiring.

But it's  it good to change one addition for another one.  That's why I'm afraid when  I feel better after our six. I want. You mind to be presence, her and  kw, I want to feel alive. And that is only achievable if I understand my health and get rid of the social  anxiety and codependency.

I hope I can  find d back to the feeling I had, I know a out it k or, so I ha e something to look for now. Before I just knew by reading books, one day I will feel good again. But I never found that feeling.

Day 42 have no come to its end. See you tomorrow
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 04, 2017, 09:47:28 AM
Day 43

I'm craving for PMO.  To p-subs today.

But I know it's because I feel this way.  I'm sad, tired, anxious and emotions stuck in my body. I need to get them out...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 04, 2017, 11:33:19 AM
Hard to let go of the phone last night.  I was in some sort of bubble. Didn't manage to take care of it.

Woke up super tired today. Slept only a few hours.  Went for meeting with a customer.

Came home and Skype with my brother. But we both was tired. So we did not talked. Just sat there doing our stuff on our screens.  I needed to sleep before work so I said goodbye...  And i was on YouTube saw one movie about a guy who touched 100 boobs in public. It made me cum without even touching myself.

Will i count it as a  fully relapse? It was no nudity, and it was no P or M.  It was sexual. And I did O. I didn't stop and I didn't change Vid.

And afterward my anxiety was gone and now I feel good again.  So it's something to do with the rewiring.

But I'm o  the right way.  Or not?  Can someone tell me please...

Is it a step forward to only need this kind of content?  I mean if I watch vanilla P. It will be more and more and stronger and stronger contents.  But as I keep me from PMO, it gets less and less.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 05, 2017, 11:30:29 AM
Day 44

Its so strange...  I talked with my wife today  about the movie from yesterday. And that I still feel bad for watching it..  We talked yesterday too.  I asked her if she could watch the movie and tell me what she thought. At first she did not want to look, but she the trusted me and she actually saw the whole thing. And she told me it was not that bad. It was little funny. It's not a clip she would put on again.

I wanted her to be some reference for me. Because I feel so lost about what's better and badly. I have difficulties to see clear about stuff because of my anxiety and codependency. Iit makes a mess in my head and I don't know really what is me, what is my anxiety and what is my codependency when  I talk and feel inwards.  So I asked my wife to be a reference.

And today when  I told her I still feel bad for the movie. She had already forgot about it and asked me about it...  She thought was little strange, because it was not really a bad clip. As I said, she saw the whole clip her self, she didn't feel like she needed to stop the video.

So I said that because I still feel bad and like I'm the worst sinner of them all, and we have watched the same clip. And we have so different feelings towards it. I said it must be something else, it can't only be the P who is making me t feel like this...  It's more likely that I feel I am wasting my time, I don't feel like I'm doing enough, it more like I don't take responsibility and so on. It's hard to describe in English, it's not my first language.

So we came up with a challenge to see how it will change our lives.  The challenge is to not use technology for one month.

We will sit down and see how we will be able to manage this.. And the goal here is to be more presence, here and now. And to let the body relax and come in contact with out feelings...  So we will not decide in advance what we should do instead. We will just get rid of the TV, Playstation, phones,  tablets and pc for one month to take away the distractions in life.

We believe it will at first give us the opportunity to feel relaxed and we probably will sleep in the beginning. That's what I usually do when  I tried this before...  But then after a couple of days, we think it will start to happen stuff..  Like u start to get bored and u will start to see things around u. And if the anxiety kicks in, it's even better. Because then I will be able to confront it and do something about it and hopefully can let it go.

We will talk more about it today, and maybe start on Monday...  After that u will not see my updates during February month...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 05, 2017, 05:15:43 PM
Re: It's dangerous to go alone!
Mobilfreak « Reply #7 on: Today at 12:04:19 PM »

I read a lot of your guys posts. And I wonder what's wrong with me...  A lot of u say. "wow my life is so much betternlw without porn." "I'm on day 10 and it's feels amazing "and so on.

It makes me sad, becuse I know that porn is not good for you, and even if I have watched porn for many years, it still have been mostly p-subs. And only watched the forplay and the pick up of girls...  When the cloth goes off its Okey, but when  it's time for the real stuff, I honestly must say, I don't look so much or want so see..

And most of my teen years, I was looking at "rate my body" sites. I t was seldom real porn.  And for years I been married, I have been a binge period once a month. Then I decide to quit, and cold tuple are it all for 3-6 weeks.

During this time I feel good at first, but something happens and my mood shifts, and I dont know whata the reason from time to time...  I do know my history and know about my social anxiety and that when I change mood I get feelings who are connected to those experiences. But I can't find what's triggers it.

So even if I most of the time have quit many times and as I understand, have some easier to keep focus in the beginning. Many of you tell u can't even do three days without PMO. And it's all ubah thinking off.

It have never been  like that for me...  I just feel the switch in my mood, and try to keep focus on my life so I do t get distracted. In a couple of days, I can't sleep and I'm skipping and I keep away, but eventually I PMO. One or three days in a row. Then the cycle restarts.

My life is still sad and lowly. Even now when  I have been away from PMO for 44 days.  It's half way to 90.

Either I doing things "wrong" and I have not managed to fully understand everything yet..  Or it is something else I need to work with meantime..

I want the feeling I had in October. When  I did things for my life and I had contact with my owner  feelings, and I could tell myself it will be alright, and I belived in myself... I didn't need to struggle or be strong. I just was me. I was Calm and presence. And I did what I really wanted to do. And PMO was  on on the map. It was like garbage, it was disgusting.

I want to get back to that mood. And I thought quiting PMO would help me...  But I remind my self. Ive got that feeling before I decided to quit PMO. And just a second later I was clear I needed to come clean. And it was no problems to do anymore...  All shame and regrets was gone. I had forgive my self and was moving on to the next step in life...  It felt so good to be rising up from the mud and feel the heavy shoulders get lighter.

But that day my mentors told me I was not a a pet of the congregation anymore, I fell back to the old me and it was like a hit on the nose. A knock down. And I took back on Al my shame and guilt again. I was a bad boy and I should be punished. And I am not  worthy, I had wrong about it, and the old feelings was right, I am a bad person and I cant do anything right.

I belive I need to make something about this. I think k this is my root of my addiction. It's here I need to work. Because when  I manage this, I feel alive and PMO automatically disappeared from my life...

Its like a migraine. It's so much pain, u need painkillers, and u  self medicate. One day u realize your self medication will not help u get rid off the migraine.  So u stop using. But the migraine is still there. Now more painful then ever. As long as you feel the pain, it hinders u from a normal life

Re: It's dangerous to go alone!

TiramiSu  « Reply #8 on: Today at 03:56:18 PM »

"I'm on day 10 and it's feels amazing " this sentence is typically written by someone starting. what really matter is to make a decision to cut down on porn in General. this is why I do not like so much the 90 days....what do 90 days say? Really nothing....

for me personally, I am at a Point where I just want to derive my happiness from other sources as well: If I once watch a porn movie, it is ok...but that should not be the Basis of my happiness....we should derive our happiness from reading a book, from intellectual Stimulation or from physical exercise or from something creative....if we once in a while watch a porn movie, it really does not matter but first we Need to get there..the other Problem about porn is that we constantly hurt our Partners by watching porn....why are we in a relationship if we seek sex outside...that does not make any sense....

in any case, I can only recommend to everybody here reading this message: read up as much as you can about what it takes to be a true man....part of the reason why we watch too much porn is because our Society is too affluent and we are big pussies. Centuries ago there was no time to be a pussy...if we were hungry we had to go out and get Food...we had to hunt we had to fight we had to use our bodies....this is why in General my conclusion for myself is to use as Little as possible all of the Computer.....spend  time in the nature and outside...""

Re: It's dangerous to go alone!

mobilfreak « Reply #9 on: Today at 04:23:32 PM »

Oh sorry for posting in here...  I found out when I looked in my own journal and didn't found my post there..  This was supposed to go to my own journal.

But hey, thanks for your reply :)

I am with you on "derive my happiness from other sources". That's have been my goal for years, and I do want to live that kind of life... 

It's like my therapist tells me. "you are doing great,  u do make the right decisions, and u get in the righ mood, and u are on the right way, and u enjoy life, but when u go pit there and meet people, your anxiety kicks in and start to hinders you"

He is so right about that...  That is what happens to me every month. I make life changes and shape up. And then I'm so happy and feel like the life is great, and I do stuff I enjoy. But something happy and make it goes down.

What I understand , it's because I want to please others, and put other people before my self and my own interests. As soon as I feel good, I get responsibilities at work or in my church. And I am really good at organizing and get things done. So in time I get  more and more work. And I enjoy life...  But then I start to feel tired and need some time of my own. But I keep priority the work and other peoples lives.

Somewhere on the way it change from focusing on my on life and feel like I'm selfish for being self aware. And if people then stop to call me or I notice them ignores me. I get really sad and hurt inside. And it makes  me feel afraid of doing stuff, and I start to isolate. Then all these sadness, anger and anxiety keeps building up inside. I can't sleep, don't enjoy stuff and the depression is a fact. And I come into a bubble sort of thing and can't control my self really. I just lay in my bed and force myself to the shower once a week. This is when It's most likely to slipping into PMO.

Unhappiness from the past weeks of not being able to cope with life. Depressed, fighting your inner demons, sends texts to friends, try to get someone to talk to, they don't  answer or don't have time, or ignores me. I see a picture of then hanging out with other people. I feel more depressed and like  one likes me. I then search for strangers to talk with, to get human interaction online. When I'm here, in this feeling, and see a pic on instagram. With some skin showing. It feels like my brain is hijacked and Google for PMO is the next step. And It is so hard to resist in that state.

Often after this I feel better again. The anxiety are gone, but I feel some shame. And when the anxiety is gone, I can focus and think again. So I feel my shame and it makes me motivated to stop PMO. And to make a new life changing decisions. And I keep it for a month or two again...

So what I now understand is that I don't need PMO, I need better ways to cope with my anxiety In time and get rid of the feelings of pleasing others for my own happiness and approval. I need to belive in myself and dont let other people rule my life, I don't need other people to make me happy. I need to let go.

But when I think about it I makes me anxious again and I feel selfish.

It's momentu 22...

You are both right and wrong about the 90 days i believe... 90 days alone will not make u happy. But what i understands, it takes 90 days to rewire your brain from addictions, thats why the 90 days are crucial... I think its important to make a difference from a "90 days challenge" and to realize our brain take around 90 days to make a life change like noFap is. As for me, i do want to quit for good. And i use the 90 days to focus on my journey, and to set goals... and maybe it a placebo for me that i think it will be easier after 90 days. But if the real reason are placebo or brain changes, it doesn't matter, because i still feel better and im on the right way :)

I try to recall my 6 month free from PMO in 2005, and i will say, that was by my own then, it was me against the world, and i had tremendous self-esteem. It was piece of cake quiting PMO, it was one decision, and no struggle at all, I did it for myself, I had what i remember only one time PMO came to my mind, it was after a couple of week and i was throwing it away like it was nothing. I didnt need PMO for happines.

Maybe i could do this, because i just met my wife, and we was in love. So my brain had a lot of dopamine from that. When the time goes by, and we moved together, i noticed that she was so happy, she lived her life and was on top off the world, but she did not take much responsibilities at home. I worked more the full time and she was looking for job, work only 10-30 hours per month. She had a lot of time to spend. But it was me who run our lives. I did work and toke care of the house. I did all the cleaning and laundry by myself for a very long time. One time i did clean all the house, and my mom and brother come to visit. It was only the dishes left, so i asked my wife if she could do it. And she laid down on the floor, pretended to sleep. I did make me furious, and i did the dishes before i went to bed, and was not talking with her until some day after. And she didn't even cared about her behavior. It was me who needed to take up the issue, and talk about it. She said she was sorry, and i didnot got the time to talk about all my feelings, she was tired and didnt want to talk for long. So i thought it was me, I needed to change.

Well this was long time ago, and she dont lay on the floor now to pretend to sleep. and when i got my first severe depression after 2-3 years of marriage, she started to take more responsibilities at home. But I have not been able to fully recover from my depression.  I dont remember i did so much PMO during that time. I know i did it once in a while, when i was exhausted and needed to "Make life going", I took a hough  load on my shoulders and wanted to make my wife happy. And she mostly enjoyed life. We have talked about this many times, and it first now, she realize that her actions have been making me get depressed. Its not her fault, but her lack of support and taking responsibility at home made me do more then i had energy to. Its not that strange that she did like that either. She have never done the dishes while she grow up, and her mother never let her help with cleaning. Her parents wanted the children to be children, have fun and not burden them with grown up responsibility. My wife could leave her bed and a plate on the side when she walked to school. When she came back, the plate was clean and in the kitchen, and her mom had made her bed.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 05, 2017, 11:15:47 PM
Did try to not use technology when I came home  I fell asleep and slept for 4 hours.  I feel better today and more presence.

I read some now.  "the right to innocence,  healing the trauma of childhood sexual abuse" in a chapter about build yourself up again.

And it hit me again and again.  This is the feelings I have.  This is the problem. And PMO is my self destructive way to keep abusing myself. I feel like I'm worth it.

I need to keep focus on healing this traumas more then I focus on my PMO.

It's difficult to read the book.  Even if it motivates me., it also make me remember I been abused. Feelings I dont want to have and is with a lot of pain.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 06, 2017, 10:02:59 PM
Day 45 or something. I dont know what is happening. Today ots the first friday in the month and that means mw and my wife have date nights. this time it was my turn to make the day. so i ended my day earlier, and bought her/us a present, a waffle iron, made some waffle base, and i used the time before she came home to do some cleaning and not doing any techonlogy. So i listen to some music and read the last chapters in my "healing sexual abuse book". IT made my cry i little, feel like someone have going thru the same as i do.. it made me feel little better.

I knew i wasnt all here and now today, i was tired, but i will use my experiment to better come in contact with my feelings. My wife came home and was happy for the waffle iron, and i made some waffles while she took a shower. then we listen to some music and watch X factor. I felt tired and wanted to stay away from the TV so i did go to bed, read some pages in "magic of thinking big" and i felt i was on "the right side", i wanted to sleep, so i laid my book away and turned around. I fell asleep immediately. nice and feeling relaxed.

about 1 hour later i wake up in a snap, i think about PMO and grab my tablet, and googled some stuff. Just as it was last time i did relapse, but this time i was better prepared, and after a while, when my brain realized it not was a dream anymore I could put the tablet away. I did not touch myself, did not get any O, and i managed to stop looking. So many victories!!!

The last sex i had with wife, she said afterwards, that she want to do it in the sofa tomorrow and she likes it when im super hard. Now i was really hard, and she was watching a movie. and i thought that i need to change my bad habits, and focus them on my wife instead. so i walked out to the living room and jumped on my wife. She liked it at first, then, as usual, she pushed me away, was stressed about someone would see us, so she say she will come with me to the bedroom. I lost my interest, but i try to not let it be a big deal. In the bedroom she pulls down the curtains and we start to make out. But soon i notice, she is not wet anymore. And she gets frustrated about it and stress about it, and now i feel like its pointless, so i just stop, roll over to my side and ignores her.

I know have the insomnia anyway!!!! i was working for not having it by getting the right feeling before bed and dont fill it up with a lot of thoughts. When i woke up, i did to the mind of state that wants PMO, the one i try to get control over.

I feel like im Jim Carrey in the movie "me, myself and Irene". Its really uncontrollable at the moment, the brain is spinning and make quick decisions without any thought at all. Now have i been trying to fall a sleep again for a hour, but I cant make it, the insomnia is still kicking and all this strange thoughts and feelings is coming up. I feel anxious  and i wonder if this was a relapse or what?

I remember then from what i read in the book today, survivors of childhood traumas need to learn to forgive themselves. And they cant be responsible for things they have done as a child because of the abuse. They need to take responsible for there acts as adults, but they also need to understand that they do have the problems from the abuse, and dont judge them self to hard. Balance is needed.

And i know, i am working against the PMO and trying my best to cut when i feel I am on my way slippering. I notice the early signs and do something about it as soon as i can. Its possible when im awake of course, but this is different. I cant manage what happens in my brain during my sleep. and i cant stop at the early signs when i cant notice them. And to wake up in that kind of state is like a thief come in and want to fight u, and u wake up just as he tries to hit you. U got hurt but u need to get up fast and defend your life as quick as possible. Its stressful and really hard to do perfect, and any wrongdoings is really hard to burden on your shoulders.

I think that i need to focus on my victories today, and even if i saw some pics, and it took some time to get off, i did exit and made an effort to keep my goal of ending PMO. I think this is the biggest victory of them all, now i know i can manage to say no even when my brain rush and irrationally only wants one thing.

one more good thing today, i did one new big order today at $2400 and also i sitting here right now, online, and have no urges for PMO, and I did never cum with my wife before, so it seams that i can get some control over things...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 07, 2017, 10:10:03 PM
i dont know what to do.. the urges are big as hell!!!!! 

and i feel like crap.

i reallt really rally want to watch it now!!!!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 07, 2017, 11:25:25 PM
i want to give up...

i cant think clear.... i have googles some.. and clicked some link.. but i closed it right away...

i dont know why .. i dont want to. but i want so badly...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 08, 2017, 12:28:07 AM
It's slowly starts to cold down...

Found someone online to talk to. And I was feeling the right feelings again...  Started to cry...

I know it is that who makes me wanna PMO. But I'm so anxious and afraid of the pain. That I keep it inside and distract my self...

My wife just watchedkke 3 movies today. She don't care...  Well she do, but she don't know how to care...  She is in her own  bubble...

I am so sad and anxious...  I need to take car of it...  And i will work tomorrow. So it stresses me out and makes me procrastinate...

I'm happy, that I did shut the browser and moved from the pic when the porn was goggled. But I don't feel happy...  I still feel this sadneaa, pain and depression...

I tell my self that I should be happy. But Iita hard.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 08, 2017, 02:06:47 AM
Ok couldn't do it


Day zero!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: gazz on January 08, 2017, 05:30:34 AM
Mate, sorry for your relapse, but reading your thread, it seems that it was inevitable. You're going through life in such a state of misery and loneliness

I'm not a therapist, or a professional. I'm just a third party viewpoint. So don't take my advice seriously at all, but it seems you need to look at the foundations of your life and see what needs changing.

I know on the forum people say, give up porn, then improve your life. But maybe you need to make some changes.

How can you be in a marriage with no mutual support? It sounds like she ignores you and her escape is movies, and you are hiding in porn and chat rooms.

Some people here are in a loving relationship, and some people are alone, working on breaking this habit by themselves - both positions are useful in their own way to breaking this habit and creating the lives they want. but to be in a marriage where you're not feeling loved and effectively being rejected is an impossible situation.

You need to be honest (ok - I understand you might not want to mention porn to her), but honest enough to say - 'I am lonely! I feel like you don't care! I need you right now! i'm miserable! I need to feel like you're not here, not being present with me! I feel rejected when you watch movies all night.' you say you see therapists and have mentors, so there is a support network for you, as well as this forum. you can even look for advice online - it there no way you can look for a way to make fundamental changes in you life and relationships?

Where do you want to be a year from now? What will your life look like? What do your relationships to look like? And what do you have to do make this future a reality?

Best hopes for you sorting these things in your life mate. Make this day zero of the rest of you life!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 08, 2017, 04:42:32 PM
Mate, sorry for your relapse, but reading your thread, it seems that it was inevitable. You're going through life in such a state of misery and loneliness

I'm not a therapist, or a professional. I'm just a third party viewpoint. So don't take my advice seriously at all, but it seems you need to look at the foundations of your life and see what needs changing.

I know on the forum people say, give up porn, then improve your life. But maybe you need to make some changes.

How can you be in a marriage with no mutual support? It sounds like she ignores you and her escape is movies, and you are hiding in porn and chat rooms.

Some people here are in a loving relationship, and some people are alone, working on breaking this habit by themselves - both positions are useful in their own way to breaking this habit and creating the lives they want. but to be in a marriage where you're not feeling loved and effectively being rejected is an impossible situation.

You need to be honest (ok - I understand you might not want to mention porn to her), but honest enough to say - 'I am lonely! I feel like you don't care! I need you right now! i'm miserable! I need to feel like you're not here, not being present with me! I feel rejected when you watch movies all night.' you say you see therapists and have mentors, so there is a support network for you, as well as this forum. you can even look for advice online - it there no way you can look for a way to make fundamental changes in you life and relationships?

Where do you want to be a year from now? What will your life look like? What do your relationships to look like? And what do you have to do make this future a reality?

Best hopes for you sorting these things in your life mate. Make this day zero of the rest of you life!

Thanks gazz for your time and advices.

When I woke up today I ate some breakfast, and my wife joined.  We walked to the work together. She asked if it was hard yesterday.  I just hmm to her. I was just thinking about how she always do that? Askes about the yesterday...  I know the answer. She do realize she didn't help and now wants to make up for it and want me to recognize her willingness and approve her. I was silent all way to work and I didn't even said good bye to her.
And 3 seconds later I was crying,  and it felt like I was going to fall down on the ground.  But I couldn't release it, because I needed to work. I though to my self.  "why am I doing this, I should be home and take care of myself"

For the record.  My wife knows about the porn. I have been honest to her since October. And all the thing u mention, I have done that.  I have asked her, and I have told her about my feelings. And i feel like im begging her to love me when i need to get her attention, i want her to see me and care. but she watch movies instead... About the mentors, they are not in my life anymore. It's just my wife and my therapist.

During the day I felt this horny again and I just wanted to go home and PMO again. I had give up. I didn't care anymore.  Good thing I were working, so I couldn't PMO. 

I don't want to fight it,  I just don't want in my life.

But I remembered something my therapist talked about.  I need to find a way to not live every day fighting.  I need to just be and feel Okey. And I made up a new decision for hoping it will make a better way for not relapse again. I said to my self.  PMO is Okey, it's not wrong!  And all my bad feelings just vanished, I felt good again!

Then I started to think about PMO and said, it's Okey to PMO if I want to.  It s not wrong.  And I felt like I didn't want to do it anymore.  This was only 1 minute after the decision and I been thinking about PMO for about 3 hours.

Now I feel tuned with myself again.  It's not about doing right or wrong. It's about what kind of life I want.

I only need something to make it possible to reach thus thoughts when I do come in that position again.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 10, 2017, 04:02:59 PM
talked with wife yesterday, and she had wrote a letter and a email, she said she was sorry for not being supportive to me. and she will be better in the future.

Talked with my therapist and it was ok.

yesterday i felt i was getting sick, and when i woke up today i had fever and a cold. so home from work today.. not the best time to be sick when I just have been relapsed. So home alone whole day and i just didnt care today. so i did PMO again.

I just let it go this time. I even dont bother to deal with it.

its so hard when i have this depression at the same time... when it makes me just lay in my bed. i got new books today. and i love books and been waiting for those books for over a month. but i just put them away. i haven't even opened them yet. I know i need to get off the technology. i know i need to cry. i know i am sad and lonely. but i cant get the energy to do something about it... im in this cloud of heaviness..

after the PMO i took a shower... so practically the PMO helped me this time to get out of bed and do something.. i been thinking about taking a shower for days.

I know what to do, and i have it in my mind. but i cant get it to "real time". I feel like two person, like one is screaming in the background of getting out and take control but the "false me" dont let it...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 10, 2017, 10:21:36 PM

So I gave been thinking a bit today.  And I need to stop fighting my addiction. So from now on I will not focusing on quiting  porn.  I will focus on my codependency issues. Witch always gives me comfort and drive in life when I read about it.  It makes things clear.

I did start to read on of my new books today.  "Codependency no more " and every single word feels like me and my life. 

I need to stop pleasing others. I need to stop letting my "false me"  control and rule my life.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 11, 2017, 01:13:20 PM

Home and sick today. Wife been home all day. I feel anxious as usual. Tensions in my chest. I sight often, scrub myself in the forehead and hair. I take the tablet, play some games, I run away emotionally and try to occupy my brain with distractions.

This is the real problems I have.

And u know what.  I can't point to what causing it. That is really frustrating.

I have learned that I need to cry when I feel like this.

I have difficulties to do that when my wife is home. And maybe it it because I have not allowed her to love me.

And thats probably because I don't feel like it's anything to love, and I have difficulties to love myself, even if I do good things.

And that was what I felt in October, I loved myself, and that made me feel awesome. But it been hard to get to that point again after the mentors told me I was showing enough regret.

Soon wife will go to work, maybe it will give me so e time to calm down, and let the anxiety out. I need to let it take me. Even if I fel like I going to died, I need to reassure myself it's only a feeling. I can't die of anxiety alone...  Only if I hold it in
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 11, 2017, 11:08:19 PM
Did write about 10 A4 pages in my diary today.  Felt better afterwards.

Did PMO some time after...  I just don't fight it right now, in the meaning, I will not be sad because I did it and instead focusing on others parts in life to make a better way out of it.  The goal is still to quit...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 12, 2017, 10:55:16 AM
Ok.  I'm on it again.

But I know I'm in the wrong state of mind...  It like,  what come first the egg or the chicken. What is my problem,  codependency or PMO?  I don't feel any better when I quit PMO.  But I feel better when I working on my codependency. And the PMO goes away when i focusing on the codependency...

So I think I know the answer.

Tried to cry yesterday, deep breaths, music I cry to,  pics I cry to.  But I couldn't come in contact with my feelings...  It just was little wet...  I needed more, I needed to cry out...

Goal today is to not do any distractions,  just sit down until I feel I want to do something.... 
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 12, 2017, 01:47:18 PM
Day  1.

Been reading "codependent no more"  for some days now, and today i read about some advices,  and don't take things so personal. We need to focus on our own lives and stop reacting to others feelings, thoughts,  emotions, problems etc. Our self-esteem should come from within, not from other people.

One advice was to do something for yourself to get calm and relaxed.  And I just felt like "how shall I do that?  I don't feel like I want to do anything for myself, I don't even know what I want for breakfast"

I wear the same clothes every day until I recognize I smell, so I take a shower and change,  often once a week. I eat two times a day. Yogurt, cereals with peanut butter. I have difficulties to fall asleep and get up. And most of the day I can't talk to my wife, I feel anxious , depressed and distracted my brain with games.

Someone said I maybe need to change something in my life. I have plenty of stuff I need to change, but I have no motivation, energy or self love to start.
I try to fake it until you make it. I have been opening some friends, but they leaved, so I have both opened up and been honest about how I feel about life, and I have been faking my happiness. People dont care anyway.

But do they have to? The only thing that matters first is if I care about myself?  And I don't...  But When I do,  I feel like I'm on the top of the world. But I can count the times I'm in that feeling on one hand.

How can I start to love myself?  How can I choose to do good things for me?  How can I stop letting my life be controlled by other people?

These are the questions I have no answers to... 

I'm happy I am aware of it, and that I am trying to find the answers. But I'm afraid I not will be able to do it before I give up life...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 12, 2017, 04:42:59 PM
I have worked all day to come in contact with myself and make the tears come out. I know from my experience that I'm sad. Not horny or anxious...

The big question is this... Who do you call when u U need someone at your side but u can't get a name to call?

Thata why it's so hard to let go of the tears...

Why do I don't use my wife? Honestly I don't know. I just don't feel like I get comfort from her.

I reached put to my brother and my dad. Both have there own problems. Dad said he was not good at giving comfort, and he told me to thing over everything again.

My brother said he was sad to and don't know what to do. Both quit answered my texts...

Thetford thing is i get out some tears...  And i Am not sad about my dad and brother way of dealing with it. I reached out and I got the team put. That's what I needed.

What I don't know is why I cry. I just feel this tremendous sorry inside and I don't know what it come from....
Well i know from what I have read. But I can't feel it...  I just cry and cry and cry...

I do it every day, mostly lnside, but once in a while it comes out.

I wish I could call my ex best friend, she was a great shoulder to lean on.

My wife came home now...  She will probably not even notice I'm  been crying for just 5 min ago. She is up in her own life and her business...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 12, 2017, 05:24:02 PM
My dad replied now...

"I'm sorry, I need to go to bed have been difficulties to sleep some days. "

And I realize, it's not that strange I feel like i do. I have never called my dad when I'm sad and crying in while my life. And I gave him the chance now. And he was tired and need to sleep.

I'm not sad about it, I have detached from him, but it's interesting and makes me remember its not that strange...  And some people tells me.

Well your parents loves you, u should be happy! But I need to stop listening to what other people say, and see the truth. And do what's best for me...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 13, 2017, 10:52:06 AM
Day 2

Woke up to the same shitty feeling I usually do..

Empty, no energy,  just staring, can't make a sound, wife is in the same room and I'm just like a staty. Wife leaves the room I start to function again.

It's hard to understand what's going on
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 13, 2017, 11:01:19 AM
It's almost 1000 times my journal is opened / read. I guess someone out there find comfort or something about what I write down.

Would be nice to get a pm,  friends is what I need right now
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: superfly on January 13, 2017, 11:49:19 AM
Reading all your posts just reminds me how tough is to get rid off of this terrible addiction.
I just wonder does sex with your wife help you to overcome the PIED? I think I would never
watch any porn if I had a boyfriend next to me... btw I'm on day 10 and will post later my thoughts on my page...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 13, 2017, 08:25:43 PM
Reading all your posts just reminds me how tough is to get rid off of this terrible addiction.
I just wonder does sex with your wife help you to overcome the PIED? I think I would never
watch any porn if I had a boyfriend next to me... btw I'm on day 10 and will post later my thoughts on my page...

PIED? i dont know if i have PIED... it have always worked fine when its time with my wife... only times it dont working is when i dont want to have any sex.

well, my issue isnt really porn, my issue is the anxiety and the codependency. So it doesnt matter if wife is next to me or not, am I anxious as hell and cant sleep, and my wife dont give any comfort at all and u dont have any friend to text or call. PMO is an easy answer...

Great job on your 10 days! looking forward to read your journal...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 13, 2017, 09:02:00 PM
day 2.

During my work today i come to a conclusion. A great one, and it made me feel calm and be presence... I read in the book yesterday about detachment, anxiety and control. When a codependent person feel anxious, we need to look around in our lives and see whom we are trying to control, and how that person are controlling us. I found out that i have been controlled by my wife for years, and she, what i hope for, probably done unconsciously.

how does it work? the book took one example from an alcoholic family, but the principle is the same everywhere. I, as a codependent, feel like i need to take care of and rescue people i love from what ever mistakes they do. A codependent person have difficulties to let people handle their own problems, and thats because codependent persons ofter feel much pain, they wont other people to feel the same.

I am a calm person and i really dont get stressed for much. I do get stressed about relationships, but not for anything else, give me anything to do, and i will make it without any stress. Even when its emergency, i dont stress, i keep calm and handle the stuff nice and clean. My wife.... well shes the opposite. She quit her job, because she was to stressed about getting fired. It is true, she been working at the same company for one year, and she been promoted to the office, she still thought she was doing bad, and that she was the next one to get fired. I , as a rescuer, calmed her and comforted her every day and week for one year, and told her she dont need to be worried, they do like her and she doing a great job. One day, she could handle it, and she quit... When she was calm we talked about it, and her brain was now functional, she realized that she was so busy thinking about getting fired that it was her own thought who got her stressed, not the job itself.

well as i am a rescuer, and i do have my own company, i said i will find a job for her, and i did. A great job, only working 2 hours per day  for 60$. when the time was to start her new job, the stress was coming again, and she thought she would not be able to keep the job. She made me to come and work together with her, so she could be calm. and i as nice as I am, did it.

This is the real problem in my life... that i take care of peoples emotions and problems like they are my own. I dont do it because i really want to, i do it because i dont want her to be stressed, because when my wife i stressed, i get depressed. The thing is... my wife do not work on the problem herself, she rely on the comfort from me... and when i do get depressed for real, she start to control me, and do stuff... not because she really loves me, but rather because she need that comfort in her life for her stress she cant handle for herself.

Because i cant help her get rid of the stress, my anxiety keeps bulids up and ends with PMO. My PMO is an obsessive compulsive and have nothing to do with my libido or sex. I could have been self harming or using any other thing to relive the anxiety and pain. I do have some problems with the food and i try to get control in life by eating less.

I read a great thing in the book, a person with pneumonia cant stop cough  until he/she finds the cure for the illness. like an alcoholic (or other person with obsessive compulsive) cant stop their behavior until they find the underlying reason and the cure for their pain and illness. I have found out, that if i stop PMO. I drink. If i stop drink, i use chatrooms, if i stop using chatrooms, i play games, if i stop playgames, i do something else. I just change one thing for another... and thats obvious, because its more under the skin. PMO is only the result and the problem is codependency, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and low self-love. PMO or non of the other things makes any better in my life, when I do it in manner of obsessive compulsive. But when i am in control withmy life and feelings, i enjoy food, games, drinks, love my wife and so on, and i reallt dont want any PMO in my life at all.

so the key for me is to focus on not being controlled by other people.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 14, 2017, 05:08:10 PM
Day 3

Been a fine day.  I'm here and now, feeling fine.  Some days free,  will be interesting in what feeling I will wake up to tomorrow
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 15, 2017, 07:59:03 AM
Day 4

Slept for around 12 hours.  Feeling in good shape today.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 15, 2017, 10:36:53 PM
it been a ok day.. just being in my bed all day an chilling... i was good... until wife came home and she started to manipulate me to take a walk with her. and i did that.. then we ate icecreme. my dad sent me some texts too. And he was as usual, wanting to change me. Wife did not stop with her script and mind games. (she do it without conscious she say) and it ended with me frustrating at she trying to enable me. With that and my dad my emotions raised, and i was not doing anything about it... so i did PMO again... I will not fight it, i need a plan to get rid of the emotions... but its so fucking freaking hard when u have a wife who take all your energy as soon as i get little good.

We have talked about it many times, she always do the same, as soon as i get better, she get needy and wants me all time... and i start to take care of her... i get codependent. And now i guess why it worked so well those 2 weeks in october... she was not focused on me, she could focus on getting her attention from her family. It was when we came home again i started to feel anxious and depressed again..

Well things go faster now... its only a couple of hours ago, and i did the whole cycle from getting upset and relapse in some hours... and thats better then being anxious and depressed for days and week fighting against pmo and dont know what the emotions stems from...

 and i belive i feel better already. I will take some time alone now, listen so some music and find myself again...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 16, 2017, 03:53:32 PM
Things start to change.

Today my wife told me about a picture my ex best friend posted on Instagram, and she wrote "been trying to find a picture to describe the feelings and this was the best one, life is awesome right now, life is on top!" and it was a picture of her smiling wide and the sky was shimmering in her eyes, the photograph... ye it was me. My wife felt that our friend dont feel as good as she state, and she just want to get some attentions. So thats why she told me about the picture.

I felt, so thats how she feels now when i am no longer a part in her life? so it was so bad to have me in her life before, and she was not really happy? I felt a stone in my stomach and the anxiety started to build up. And i felt so sad, that she is so happy and i cant be part of it. I am shit and garbage that no one wants in their lives. I talked with my wife about it, and said that I need to detach from my friend, and be happy for her. If I do that, I will be able to have a great friendship with her, but as long as she's not  willing to be authentic and real to me, it will be really hard to keep that relationship healthy. Here is what i mean: If i detach and just be normal, and love the life, i will come to her and ask her about her life and if she want to do something. And she might say yes (for the new fresh start) but she have not detached herself and she still feel its awkward, so she says yes to be nice, not bc she want to hang out. I will then meat her and notice this, and she will telling me everything is fine. So if we really want to be real friends, and not just say hi when we meat, we need both need to detach. Even if i want it, she dont need to do anything. We are not together, and have no obligations to each others. And i the told my wife its difference with her, bc we need to fix this, bc we are married and have obligations to each others. My wife admitted she would never work for our relationship if it now was bc we were married. and she would understand my friend, if she dont want to.

This of course made me more sad, and the feelings inside hit me harder... but i did something different today, and i did it automatically. For some days i when i have felt this feelings i have put sporify on and the playlist "deep focus". Its instrumental music and when the first song comes through my headphones, a calm feeling start to build up inside of me and i get in contact with my feelings. So that was what happend today, i had rewierd my brain to seek comfort in the music instead of chatrooms or PMO. After i been laying down in my bed for an hour with my headphones on, i woke up and read a chapter in "codependent no more" about how codependent persons feels about themselves. Every word hit my heart and i felt like someone understood me. I fell a tear and did the activities mentioned in the chapter to build up my self esteem.

Now i feel much better, and the anxiety is gone. I feel like I am in control and a big victory, bc all this was not a struggle or fighting, it just was what my brain told me to do and it helped me out.

Tomorrow i will work all day, so we will see what happens in the week. and i have made a decision after my dad texted me yesterday, I have decides to end the relationship with him. I have giving so many chances to show me respect and I have giving him so much and trying to be nice to him. Yesterday he told me things he have promised to never say again. He told me i am a extreme Christian and he wants me to think differently. He is an atheist and he have big problems with religions. But he have not investigated the bible himself, he just are filled with hate towards what religion have done to the world. he have said the same things to me ever since i was starting to study the bible. So for over 15 years he have told me im not able to thing right, i need to wake up and he thinks that i dont want to be with him bc im a beliver and he is an atheist. But i do want to be with him, I do want a dad. But he does not show me respect for my choices in life, and still try to push his beliefs on me, when I have already done that when i did my study of the bible. I read all things he gave me and listend to him. But he never read a thing about what i have found interesting. Its not easy to have a mature, calm and interesting conversation if one person not are willing to be open and respect what the other person think. Its sad that my dad blame the religion for his bad behavior. and thats why i dont want to end the relationship when the truth is that its bc he is disrespectful and take this up almost every time we meet, while i keep my distance to the subject. Not bc i dont want to talk about it, or are ashemed, or cant ansewer his questions. But bc he do always ask the questions in a hostile way and with alot of feelings inside... and he never wants any answers to the questions. Its always he who bring up the subject, still he tells me he is not interested in the bible and religion. So i ask him why he then ask the questions, and he say that its because he wants to understand me better. So i ask him to study the bible with me then. But he refuse and get angry.

I need to detach and dont let his life and his feelings come into my life. I need to build up a wall of protection against his problems he wants me to deal with... I have done that all my life, bc I have been codependent. Thats not strange. Both my dad and mom are codependent. I have never knew it could be any difference until i was in my early 20, and noticed i was differente. I have tried to get what it is, and i am so happy for discover this now. It makes my life looking brighter and brighter for everyday.

see you tomorrow

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 17, 2017, 07:57:43 PM
Today I did something great. I told myself I not need to deal with my dad's problems anymore. He have got to many chances. I have tried for 15 years to get a good relationship with him.  Today I told him our relationship ends here and now.

And I feel pretty great.  I'm not sad or so, I'm not relived either Tbh. Just happy it's done..

It's a important step in recovery to have healthy supportive relationships. And I need time to grow up to be an mature adult, without my dad interfere.

I'm feel good *singing *
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 18, 2017, 10:00:46 AM
A new day today

Was fine yesterday, but got stuck at the pc. Was tierd and I did some chats I  the chat room.  I did watch a little p.. But i could control the amount and I could tell me self.  Naaah thus it not want I want.  So I closed it...  I didn't even got hard. So something have started to happen.

I woke up today and feeling little bad for what I did, but I think about it one more time and see it like a step forward in the process. I walked in toour bed room. And I put som music on and I layed my hand on  my wife's back.  It felt nice and comfy. Safe.   So defently I am on the right way....

After I had saidgood bye to my  dad I was really anxious,tried to get it out.  It was difficult. But only some minutes afterward I got mad at my wife becyshexwas asking questions she don't have to ask, bc she was afraid.  So I bursted out in frustration. Then I calmed down. Looked into my self, while my wife talked.  I cried a little.  And the I did something up haven't done for many many years.  I turned my head to her, layed me hand on her arm and said I was sorry for raising my voice, it was not her I were angry at.  She smiled and said she knows.

That felt really good. I also read article about codependency and how to deal with a codependent friend. And I liked one sentence.  It said that u should remember, a codependent person is mentally a young child, an adolescence, no matter what age the person have.  And I looked on my friends and family I know and think are codependent. And wow that description is so true.  U can't argue with an adolescent at all and the only way to deal with it is to lead by example. To be an adult.  And that is not that simple as it is. Because u have probably been codependent all life and raised as one, and u don't have any own idols or grown ups to imitate.

I then realized that me too is many time acting childish and the reason is pretty obvious. I don't have any grown up parents or role models in my life. But I can change that.  And I can grow up even if my parents have not done it.

So I'm excited, this journey is still making process, even if it is some porn in the life. But I need to stick to dealing with the real problem.  Breaking my codependency!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 19, 2017, 09:34:40 AM
Day 4

Somewhere in between...  It's nice to not be that super low. But I'm still stressed and have some difficulty to calm down.

In the past, I often  felt like  "why am I feeling like this?" and have no clue about what to do...  I did the things I had been taught to do, and learned by reading. But nothing seamed to work for me.

Now it's more. Okey so I start to feel  like that again, how was it now, yeah I feel like this when I am...  And what was the solution again? Yeah right, but I'm so tired," or like "oh man, now I feel like that again, how come I will come back into the old habits so fast and need to focus so hard everyday, it's so tiring".

So the mood is more like 1 to 3 of 10, instead of -5 of 10.

But I have good days when it's 4-7 and super days 8-10. It was long time ago I had over 6...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 19, 2017, 09:46:49 PM
Had a bad day yesterday at work. It was real snowy and windy so I got stuck with the  bus. That's  Okey, but when I asked my boss for help. He was  not that happy to help me. And he told me "now u don't do that again". It made me nervous and anxious. It was really bad weather so it could happen anyone..  And no one got hurt or it was no damage on the bus. Was tired after been digging in the snow for an hour.

Home, sleep and got up today. It all messed up my routines and I was tired today. And this morning my boss told me again to not get stuck. And said I sago slow.

I do go slow, that's why I got stuck yesterday... 

So all this kind of words, is just what I need if I want to practice my codependency. But it's really bad for my anxiety and PMO.

I came home today super tired. And it ended with PMO again. I hate to admit it. But it's true and a new reset. 

I have two things I learn by this and it stick together...  Even if the reason is my accident at work, it's not the reason I PMO. I have a own choice to PMO. But the big thing is that I need to listen to my body. When  my body tells me I'm tired and need rest or self time. I need to do that. Instead of play games, lurk Internet, chatting  and finally PMO.
I need to take more responsibility and not blame outer stuff for my behavior...  In other words, I need to change coping mechanisms for the problems in my life..  I know it, and I feel it some days...  But I need to find some way I can do that when I'm in that situation.

But I am not used to listen and take care of myself self. I the meaning of loving myself enough to make a good life...  Right after the PMO I fell a sleep and had some bad feelings. I later told my wife about it and we played some super Mario together... It was nice..

But now I have the greatest need for sugar. I want to eat...  But I know it is bc I'm low...

Let see how it works tomorrow at work. One bus is broken, so it can be I will be able to work only half day. Yeay!

I  booked a flight today, will visit my brother for a week. That will be nice and a fresh start...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 20, 2017, 06:24:40 PM
did a schedule for my life today. it was some time ago i did that... and this time it was different from all the other times... first bc my life is completely different, and i dont have any responsibilities anyhow to anyone else then me and my wife. so it was plenty of space to fill up. The other thing that made a big difference, is that i thought twice about how i feel after one day at work, and tried to do something to help me cope with that feeling i usually have so it wont build up for the next coming day. I do still have a lot of space.. its weird. my calendar used to be complete full, this feels little strange. I keep it this way, bc i want to better groundwork before i get more on my shoulders. and from where i am now, when i even have problems to take a shower once a week, i think its better to focus on a calm, steady life with good balance. in a couple of weeks i hope i can manage it better and see how i can improve my life better.

And i did a list of the things I usually do everyday now, and how much time i spend, and how it makes me feel. I will do some changes and see how it works out...

I was also thinking about what feelings I have in my body right now.. I remember them from somewhere before... and i realized this is the same life and feeling i had in my early teenage years, its like life have been re-winded and i will be able to cope with the feelings different this time, and use my own experience to avoid the same result. It made me happy, but also sad, that i have not "grown" since i was 15... but as i read in a book about codependency. People deep freeze their emotions when they deal with a trauma in childhood, and when someone else is enable to mirror that feeling later in life, it will be born or get alive again. and u will start from that age the deep freeze happened...

I thought about that and one thing i did was I started to visit my dad again at the age of 14 or some. And he have always had a power over me, and i also feel like from that time around, my own codependency blossomed, because i was in a mind game with my dad. it was not a healthy parent-child relationship... it was "king-slave" sort of thing, and he tried to master me, more than love me. I know he couldnt do better. He did as his parents did. He met his dad first time when he was 12, and his dad was in the apartment and then walked away after talking to his mother. and then my dad asked his mom. "Who was he?". When my dad told me about this he was so angry on my granddad for not saying hello and introduce him. I was chocked that my grandmother didnt do it either. They had a coffee while my dad played in his room.

Another thing that happened around this time was that my best friend did commit suicide... and that was not good for me. And some years later when i was 17 i was caught by the police for showing of in public. When that happened, i was already detached from myself, i couldnt feel my emotions and i did what other people told me to, i had all the symptoms of codependent already, with depression, anxiety and things... I didnt know it then, and no one really told me, the shrink said, what i did is my inner emotions who are trying to call for help (thats was a relief, but i never got that help bc the shrink i was ordered to go to, was full booked and he did never received me) i had some mentors back then too, and they gave me some advices, but what i now know about all this things, the advices they gave me, was directly bad for me. bc they told me to bury my emotions and not let them out, bc i would not end up with the police again...

The truth is, it was my body who tried to seek help, and it was emotions who already was buried inside me, and it was time for them to come out, so i could heal the inner wounds...  It was my inner child who cried out loud for being trapped inside and not be able to live a happy life, bc I had been abused as a child, and all those things have not been healed yet... and now when i finally got attention, and even people told me i was going to get help. People got scared and told me to not talk, to keep it for my self and learn to keep my emotions intact. What i really needed was a shoulder to cry on, someone i could trust, i needed to feel love, a parent, and someone who told me it was alright and its not strange i did what i did whit my history, its not my fault and to be assured i wad truly loved by my friends.

Now its time for me to be that person for myself, to tell myself its okey and forgive myself for all bad things i have done, bc of the abuse. And i will be able to start a new chapter in my life!!

Her we go!!!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 21, 2017, 10:22:37 PM
It just getting worse. I don't know what to do...  Today i been chatting and camping with girls.

I feel bad. Mostly because I don't feel that bad about what I am doing as I want to.

Maybe I need to get rid of Internet and my phone for this will be working. But the problem is that I will probably start again if I get Internet again...

Day zero and what I do now is really not working at all. Back to what I did in October last year and I did 47 days stroke
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 21, 2017, 10:45:05 PM
I know how it works now.

1. Repressed feelings
2. Don't deal with them, I feel I dont have time enough, I am stressed for not being able to cope before my next work day.
3. Play games
4. Chat
5. Pmo

How shall I break the cycle?

It's about this feelings.  I need to let them out better.  But I have not being allowed or able to do that my whole life...  I will do something I have never done before, and I need to find what that is and make it comfortable. How will I be able to do that?

I know that if I only fight PMO. I wil not be able to live happy. Because I still have these repressed feelings inside me...  And i Would start something else to occupy my brain with...

I just feel like to end it all, I will not be able to make it.  And the same time I know I won't as long as I think like that.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 21, 2017, 10:47:33 PM
I have also noticed.  That most of the days, I forget about the yesterday. So if I make some goals today and new decisions.  I will have forget about them the  next day. It so many things that are messed up and need to be fixed. I'm so tired of this
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 22, 2017, 11:20:33 PM
Woke up terrible today.  I felt so bad for my new relapse yesterday. But I read some articles about codependency and sex addiction before sleep.  And they gave me more perspective and gave comfort.  To have both these addictions is kind of the hardest to deal with,  because they feed each other.

I took a walk with my wife and told her. I said I'm sorry, and sad.  Mostly I'm sad because I'm not devastated over my wrongdoings. I'm feel like I'm not regretfull enough, and I don't do any progress.  but on the other hand I do, bc I tell my wife after every relapse.

It was what I read in the articles. Codependent people have trust issues, hard to talk about feelings and be honest.  They want to be authentic and real,  but it hurt them to much to deal with the pain inside.  So they repress their emotions.  The medication needed is to open up, be vulnerable and be honest. To others, but first to themselves.

I'm a moral and honest guy, I go back to the store if they did wrong and I would pay more. If some one don't want a recipe for their purchase, I do it anyway instead of taking the money to my own pocket.  I tell people the truth when they asks me my opinion. Etc.  But being honest to my self, what's best for me and what I feel,  wow that's a big thing.

I would go to church every Sunday, and if it's my time to work I ask someone to work for me some hours so I could attend the meeting. But for the last month or two I have not attend the meetings, I felt to much anxiety, pain and not been presence.  So I have tried to calm down. Today I did the same, and it did really worked.  I was home alone and I just meditated to some music.  Later a move was on TV.  Shame.  It's about a guy with sex addiction.

I wanted to see it bc I felt it would speak to my heart, and it really did. It was a lot of trigger scenes.  But I was presence, in contact with my feelings, and it was a great feeling to see the meaning of the sex scenes and not get aroused and want to PMO. I got an eviction some times, but never did I feel I wanted to Google actresses or do something else.  The movie really captured the real problem. Pain, repressed feelings, no authentic relationships and love. Ir I was more in contact with my Elf I would have been crying.  I was going to, but I didn't let it out.

No its bed time and I will keep working on my "to tech" promise.  I need to let my feelings out, I need to stop be afraid of being hurt from my feelings. They won't hurt me and I won't die.

Edit: the movie had a scene who called PIED to attention. And i now understand that I definitely no't have that problem at all.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 23, 2017, 02:32:57 PM
Read about goal setting today

It's funny bc it a topic I really like nd been enthusiastic about for years.  But when it comes to my own life, I realize I don't have any goals.

I know why.  Bc I really don't like to think about myself.  On the other hand I had great goals and enthusiasm before marriage...  So I have lost it on the way.

Need to find the right mood to set up new goals.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 26, 2017, 07:40:40 PM
Day five

The problems keep coming.  We need to move out from our apartment, in two weeks. 

Me and my wife have decided to move to a new city, and start over from zero.  Take it easy and let everything from past year just soak in. We will keep it real simple, and probably will not need to work that much.

I'm feeling better for now...  I can deal with my anxiety. And one old friend called today and encouraged us.  I fell a tear and it was nice to feel that someone cares.  My mom called too for some days ago,  but she didn't listen so it was just frustrating.

Heading for a new life...
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 28, 2017, 07:44:25 PM
Today I have finished the book "codependent no more" and i have no words for it. Wonderfull book!

I Also find myself feeling better after I ended my relationship with my dad, and I have no problems with PMO urges at all right now, and I belive it is because I don't focus on quitting.  I focus on living.

The time will see what happens, but I feel more comfortable with myself now after I read the book.

My life is important, and I deserve a good life too.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 29, 2017, 08:20:26 PM
Started read a new book today... "you are more then you think"

Have a lot of things to do. The PMO, anxiety and depression is gone. And I look forward to move...

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 31, 2017, 09:10:29 AM
The less time I'm using on this site, the better my urges for PMO is. What I mean is that when I'm focus on other things then stop PMO.  When I focus on loving my self and on my codependency. The urges for PMO are completely gone.  I see my timer,  and I think "oh yeah, I'm trying to recover from my PMO addiction"

The recovery focus is gone, and so are my urges for PMO...

It's 10 says now from last reset and its about four months ago I started my reboot. And I have PMOd four or five times since then.  It's not much, but it's not all the way I want it to be. It feels easier now, bc the anxiety is gone,  and that's a wonderful feeling
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 01, 2017, 09:33:09 PM
12 days now... 

Been a ok day today. I'm thinking about the future...  And i feel happy about the future. But I'm little scared, I need to be presence. Here and now...  Dreaming about the future is not reality.

Free tomorrow, will use type time to meditation
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: TiramiSu on February 02, 2017, 12:21:04 AM
You said "I took a walk with my wife and told her. I said I'm sorry, and sad.  Mostly I'm sad because I'm not devastated over my wrongdoings. I'm feel like I'm not regretfull enough, and I don't do any progress.  but on the other hand I do, bc I tell my wife after every relapse. "

I would try to find a good mixture of what to tell your wife and not. If your wife is totally cool with it, then go ahead, otherwise do not put the entire burden on your wife. We all got ourselves into pmo, so we Need to get ourselves out....

The fact that you are honest only Shows you are responsible. I think it is good - especially that example about paying at the store....cheating does not pay off
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 02, 2017, 08:54:11 AM
You said "I took a walk with my wife and told her. I said I'm sorry, and sad.  Mostly I'm sad because I'm not devastated over my wrongdoings. I'm feel like I'm not regretfull enough, and I don't do any progress.  but on the other hand I do, bc I tell my wife after every relapse. "

I would try to find a good mixture of what to tell your wife and not. If your wife is totally cool with it, then go ahead, otherwise do not put the entire burden on your wife. We all got ourselves into pmo, so we Need to get ourselves out....

The fact that you are honest only Shows you are responsible. I think it is good - especially that example about paying at the store....cheating does not pay off

You are right, it my responsibility to get out of it. I just want to stay honest with my wife know...  So she feels that I'm not hiding more. We need to get closer and more open to each other...  That's our problems as codependents.

She don't get sad or mad now, she do understand the situation.  She is cool with it.

I read about a story about how life and relationships often ends up. I can translate the story to English, but it was so true. It was about how we repress out feelings as children, and how we later finds a partner who we want to rescue or we want then to take care of us. After some years those repressed feelings start to come to surface and makes the relationship hard, both partners still hide the feelings for the other one. In time they can hold it anymore, and start to work on there childhood traumas and they Share the experiences with each other. They now feel comfortable that they ain't alone with the traumas, and they now start to grow back and love each other more then they ever did before... 

When I read this I saw that we are just like that couple, and we now start to reveal our deep dark stuff for each other, and feel safe about it. I do get what u mean about not lay burden on my wife. But if I start to reveal my things, she will feel safe to open to.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: TiramiSu on February 02, 2017, 11:18:39 AM
you said: It was about how we repress out feelings as children, and how we later finds a partner who we want to rescue or we want then to take care of us. After some years those repressed feelings start to come to surface and makes the relationship hard, both partners still hide the feelings for the other one. In time they can hold it anymore, and start to work on there childhood traumas and they Share the experiences with each other. They now feel comfortable that they ain't alone with the traumas, and they now start to grow back and love each other more then they ever did before.

I can totally relate to that. I repressed a lot of feelings when I was young. That is not good. Now I just let it steam off!  I can really relate to you.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 02, 2017, 08:04:54 PM
you said: It was about how we repress out feelings as children, and how we later finds a partner who we want to rescue or we want then to take care of us. After some years those repressed feelings start to come to surface and makes the relationship hard, both partners still hide the feelings for the other one. In time they can hold it anymore, and start to work on there childhood traumas and they Share the experiences with each other. They now feel comfortable that they ain't alone with the traumas, and they now start to grow back and love each other more then they ever did before.

I can totally relate to that. I repressed a lot of feelings when I was young. That is not good. Now I just let it steam off!  I can really relate to you.

I just watched a TEDtalk about ACE score. I have read about it before, but now I did the test and found out I had 7 out of 10. It's not strange I feel like I do.

It would be nice to see what score people here have...  I have a theory that people with low ACE score have easier to recover from PMO. Because the PMO is not attached to all the childhood traumas and repressed feelings. PMO is only a bad habit from their teens.

But for us with high ACE score, we deal with so much more in our lives, that if we recover from PMO, we still will feel terrible bc our sadness roots from the childhood, not PMO itself.

Just my reflections, and for my life it's been great to know about this.

The meditation was good today. I'm now calm again, here and now...

It's little sad that we are going to move, gonna miss this place. Even if a better health and a new life is better..

New life ahead
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 03, 2017, 10:27:12 PM
Been sad today. Tried to meditate before work. When my shift was over and I was alone, I just broke. Cried painfully.

I m happy I could get in contact in less then 12 hours and just let it out and not burden me tomorrow.

Read in the new book about anger.  The author had the same problem with repressed feelings, and he have worked hard to get I contact with himself.  And now he gets angry direct when he needs it, instead of holding it in and let it out days or week later.  Repressed feelings will always come back harder later.

So I'm on the right way, and that's awesome.

I tried to get a picture of what I was feeling and why I cried.  I noticed I got tears when I pictured me sitting alone, with the feeling I had,  and someone close to me layed theire hand on my shoulder or touched my arm while the person said "hey, is everything alright, I'm here for you"  when that picture came into my mind I just felt I wanted to fall down and cry.  I was at work,  so my eyes got wet, and I needed to hold it in. But at the end of the day I made up the same picture and it made me cry.

Afterwards I did some meditation, and I came to the conclusion that I am in a need of someone to see me. To notice my sadness.
I tried to remember my childhood, and I have not a memory of mom or dad who takes me aside and ask sincerely how I am feeling. And that feeling I had today, I know I have had that feeling burden my shoulders as a kid, but no one who helped me to lift it off.  Today I know it is sorrow or sadness. And I'm happy I could cry today so I can heal. I start to be my own loving parent.

"It's never to late to have good childhood "
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 05, 2017, 03:48:07 PM
Home alone today. Watched some movies on YouTube. I dont really know how I even ended up there.

Saw some prank videos. And one was the Uber driver prank. Girls was giving free rides if they played a game in the car.
They took a card and read it, and the  did what they were asked for.  Get a pie in their face, acting like a gorilla, phone strangers and tell them stupid things.  Real innocent, and one  card was to tweak or show their ass. And when this came, I don't know what happened but I M to it.

One thing was sure, I was not present, here and now.  I was in the old me.  With no contact at all with my feelings or goals. I was not sad nor depressed.  Just nothing.

I don't blame me that much hurt for what happened, and it was not like the  obsession thing, and the M was even bad. I see a clear difference now when I do it becuse of anxiety and obsession. When " it's a fix".  That's the really bad thing.

This was not even porn, but I do feel like this need to quit to.  I told my wife about it, and kept working on my self. I want to be a person who take care of myself.  And listen to my feelings.  I did not listen to my feelings before the Vid and M.  But I did now when it made feel ashamed.  So to not make two faults on one day, I told my wife.  And I learned that listening to your feelings and acting upon them makes u feel good.

This is one step forward in stopping to fight PMO and instead go with the flow and calmly build a better life.  Looking forward!

It feels good.

I will not reset the timer this time.  I did not searched for P and I was not in the state of obsession.  And even if it was a kind of p-subs, it was still outside of the box what I aim to quit.

I also noticed what it really was that made me feel I wanted to PMO.  It was not that she was good looking, or I saw her as a object, it was just that she was open, happy and enjoyed the time in the car.  She had that feeling I wanted to have today.  To be in contact with myself and enjoy life.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 07, 2017, 10:26:32 PM
Can't sleep today. Insomnia.

Some PMO urges, but I managed to ditch it.  Yeah!

I also got some tears out and found out I feel worthless. And ashamed. That's why I cry.  One more step forward.  That's good.

But I still feel like I'm need to get more tears out. It's hard to sink all the way I to my emotions.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 09, 2017, 12:22:01 AM
Same small urges. Manage to close the browser and sleep instead.

It's a progress and I doing alright... It's a Victory to stearq yourself to the right directions.

I'm also happy that I'm not devistated because I slip a little, and instead see the whole thing as a progress.  It's still that I'm slipping when I feel empty and in no contact with myself. Ita like I'm floating around. I do things without any second tough. But when I do come in contact with my self I change. I do the same thing with other stuff too, like games.

So the next step will be to manage to be in contact before I put a game on or before I Google some P-subs.

It feels great to come this far and to be able to manage myself a little.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 09, 2017, 06:28:27 PM
Sick of this.

Day zero again.

But still the same issue.  I'm not in contact with myself, and have difficulties to get in contact to.

I was going to read and meditate but couldn't keep my mind in the presence.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 23, 2017, 02:42:09 AM
Not being able to update very much.

It's going Okey. I feel better in between the relapses, and can recover better.  But It still the same issue that triggers me.

Something happens between me and my wife.  And I loose contact with my inner feelings, drift away and have real Trubble to recognize it. Repress my feelings and slowly going from presence to auto mode.

It's like u see your hands doing stuff, and u are not in control of your self. U notice that u are slipping, and u scream from inside, but your brain can't brake the pattern.

I'm not speeded up, and have urges for PMO. I just notice I have entered "the mode" and I have not found the switch yet.

But I always tell my wife about it, and it makes a fresh start every time. And don't burden me more then it has to be.

I wish I could find the control panel again soon. So I can strear the directions I want.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 26, 2017, 10:39:06 PM
Wow finally!

My wife got to the conclusion she had some issues to solve with her family. And she have now talked with them. Wow, she are happy again.

We have investigated our life very much, and we see that some family problems on her side for many years ago did make some really hard impact on her. And she have not healed after that.

Instead she have tried repressing her feelings, and have not been able to see her part. For the past 6 months she have got a nother perspective.

I'm responsible for my acts. But my acts is a result of codependency. And me and my wife have a codependent relationship. Mostly she are toward almost everybody. And that makes her afraid and anxious, and she then takes the role of a child and wants me to care for her. This makes me stressed, because I m trying to heal myself. When I give in, I stop caring for my self, and are for my wife more, and I loose contact with my self and that's the start for me slipping into PMO.

So it's a milestone to see this, and now know where it starts. But I need to find the key to care for my wife without loosing contact with myself.

If I really care for my wife, I would care of me first, so I don't PMO. But when I do that, my wife get codependent and feels like I am leaving her, and she starts to drag me down. So if I give in to care for her and lift her up. I show love, but the results is not what we wants.

Some people maybe see this as I blame my wife for my PMO. I don't, I do take full responsibility for my acts, but I belive it's important to see the big picture, so I can learn cope and develop new strategies to overcome the problems behind my PMO.

I see it like taking care of the source of the headache, instead of taking painkillers. The source for my PMO is codependency.  And that makes me disconnect with my feelings. Witch leads to PMO.

To best PMO, I must beat my codependency. Fighting PMO will only destroy me, because the codependency makes me sick. PMO is a thing I do when I'm sick to "get fixed". I don't need to find a new fix, I need to get rid of the real problem.  Codependency
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 10, 2017, 05:28:54 PM
To make this possible, I need to love myself enough to get a great life. But I dont feel like I deserve one.

I had have plenty of relapses since January. I'm happy if it get to 10 days.

I have a battle inside me. To live alone for a while. Not that I want to leave my wife. But because I want to heal and have the opportunity to feel good again.

But I'm afraid that it will not make any good, and it will be eve  harder to go back.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 07, 2017, 12:56:56 PM
im so exhausted to live this life. Have a new 20days streak , and thats feel pretty good.

I started to work 18 days ago, so the days have been busy doing work. But the time at work is tough and its hard to sell and be genuine when your inner soul just want to scream, kick, yell and cry out loud. After work I take the car, drive out to the woods and just scream and cry so hard that all my muscle ache after.

I have cried like this for over a year now and its getting deeper and deeper. Now i feel deep anger and smach and kick hard to let it out.

I cant connect the crying and anger with a memory or narrow experience, its probably built up sorrow and anger from the past i finally can let out. I feel so good afterward, calm and good to let i go. Then the day after im anxious again, and cry even more. This week i have woke up sad, disconnected or anxious everyday, two days i have been codependent, and started to feel like i need PMO, i found out how I was codependent, and in that instant moment, i did not want to PMO more, it just vanished.

Today I feel empty, i have no goals in life. I have things i need to do, but not my own goals. I have them written down, but they are not connected to my inner emotions and dont inspire me anymore.

One goal is to be free from PMO, and 20 days is a great celebration.when the past 3 month have been max of 7 days and mostly 2-3 days. There is so much pain inside me, that i need to let go. Today i will use a little time to point down some goals. Let me dream and make a plan to achieve those plans.

I know i need to do it today, because today im in the right feelings and emotions. Im open and willing to go forward.

I read today about having a close relationship with God, and that he is like a close best friends. I read it but couldn't comprehend it. I had nothing to compare with, cant understand to the irl. I have no one that I can call when im sad or have a bad experience in life. ITs hard for me to open up to people because they always leave me...

i want to have a better relationship with God, but i dont know how it should feel...
Title: *singing* Celebrate good times, come on!
Post by: mobilfreak on November 07, 2017, 06:40:12 PM
Hey all!

It was a long time ago since I last visit this site and today is a milestone. The clock did just past 12.00 and I'm official on my 90th day!!!

It's not that great feeling that I thought, but I know it's also because how I feel inside. But I'm really happy for making this so far.

This is not the end of my goal. I will no keep going and looking forward to 180days.

Iam looking forward to the day I can focus entirely on my goals and dream in life and not be needed to focus on getting myself together every week.

I have found a way to handle this for now. And it's to be honest to myself and don't keep my feelings inside. If I'm sad or someone making me sad, I have the right to say so and it's Okey to cry.

I can now feel the difference between anger, sadness and having an urge for pmo. And as I said before, I don't have any urge for pmo, never had. But my brain thought that. I felt sad and angry for the most of the time. And anxiety. This been so deep so I selfharmed with pmo.

The last time I did pmo I said to myself. I'm worthy a good life and I'm worthy living. And I kept telling me I'm worthy. For every day I ve getting stronger and stronger and now I don't want to harm myself with pmo. It's not worth it.

BUT my other problems are still there. I cry 2-3 times a week. I have panic attacks and sometimes my legs can't hold me up, so I fall down o  the floor and just crying. It's so painful and it's so much old stuff coming out. And I keep looking forward trying to see what will be, not what is. And I keep believing that I am worthy a beter life.

Some days I just don't feel that. I just feel empty and alone goals and dreams are gone. And I start to selfharm. I don't eat, shower, brush my teeth or work out. I recognize the symptoms earlier then before. And I keep progressing. I take time to get in contact with my feelings and let it all out. And as soon  I'm in contact and an feel joy and self worth again. I do something for myself and I learn and save a memory about this feeling and keep that I  mind when I feel down. That I now how it feels to feel good and happy. And I know that I did that only one day ago, it was not in the past and I know how I can get there relatively fast.

It's still some  big changes going on in my life so I don't rest yet. And I'm little worried if I need to keep doing this upset and downs for the rest of my life?

Wife is happy, and we are geting closer and closer. And she starts to listen to me finally and she even look up to me today and admire my strength. Going from deep suicidal thoughts and a decision to make the move to where I am today. She now see that I'm a fighter.

We both working on to be honest with each other. That's not easy when we both grew up where feelings should be pushed down. We'll my mom talked about them. But sgenecer confirmed herove to me. So I am always afraid that no one will listen and love me if if told what's on my heart. They o my will give me advice.

För a month ago, I could tell my wife how sad I was for aging she did for many years ago. A thing k we have been talking about many times. And this time I could tell here completely how I felt about it and I had no worries that she would try to hide or don't want to talk about it. And she now knew that if I say something it's not that I don't love her or so. She now can listen and understand without excuses. I told her what I felt and she burst out crying and said she was so sorry, she admitted that she never felt any feelings for me. She liked me and she wanted me. But when we met, she had emotional feelings for another guy. A guy she knew she never can have. I was only used to make sure she could focus on  other things.

It's was a great relief for both of us. The feeling I have had deep inside me for 10 years, and been telling several times, and that she always been denied finally come to surface and come clear. And we made a new promise to each other to keep building our  relationship and now build it on true,  honestand genuine love and respect.

Thats all for now and I hope his can give some hope for u guys.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: BootLoader on November 13, 2017, 06:24:11 AM
BUT my other problems are still there. I cry 2-3 times a week. I have panic attacks and sometimes my legs can't hold me up, so I fall down o  the floor and just crying. It's so painful and it's so much old stuff coming out. And I keep looking forward trying to see what will be, not what is. And I keep believing that I am worthy a beter life.

Some days I just don't feel that. I just feel empty and alone goals and dreams are gone. And I start to selfharm. I don't eat, shower, brush my teeth or work out. I recognize the symptoms earlier then before. And I keep progressing. I take time to get in contact with my feelings and let it all out.

Withdrawals symptoms... you are on a flatline. I know it is hell, but this hell motivated me to never relapse again because I don't want to go back to that rabbit hole.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 09, 2017, 08:42:07 PM
Back here again. Im in my car. Alone in the Woods. 2am.

Been in so much pain the last days. I am happy that i gave now reached 122 days. Well, i dont feel anything at the moment.

I still cry every week. Just as I have done for the past 2 years. I feel so lonely. I do t have anyone to talk to who listen without Judging me.

Well my wife dont judge me for being a bad person. She instead judge me as I am a victim. She looks down to me when I need someone who belived in me.

For some weeks ago i told he i dont know if I could handle if someone leaved me o e more time. She answered tjat she dont belive that either. She belive i will commit suicide.

She is honest, i will give her a big hand for that, ut is that really what u want to hear when u are Down and feel like noone wants u or belive u are strong enough to fight.

I wish I could have someone in my life i could call when im sad, and they could genuine tell me. "Wooooow u are awesome, look what u have done mate, keep up the good work, i belive in you, we will have so much fun when u feeling better, i miss u"

Thursday was a good day. Until i visited a meeting. During the meeting some one said something that trigged my emotions. I started to hold it in. I didn't noticed it. I started to cry. But I sucked it in. On our way home i took my wife with me to the woods. I understand that if I am alone everytime i need to let out my emotions we never will get closer. So I took her with me. We talked for hours and when  i finaly could loose up and let my tears out, i only needed a hug from her to let it all out. But she never reached out for me. So I couldn't let it out. It was fine but not ok. I could live with it. And we agreed to Drive home.

When I start to Drive, she asks me a question and my brain just shut down and blocked her. I came back some minutes later. And she started to ask the same question again. My brain did the same thing. Cut her off, and blocked all things. I was in my head completely and Drove like in 40-50kmh all the way home.

When I came back to realty again she asked me the same question again. She did that for about 6 times. And then she got angry/Sad for me not answering. 

When parken at home we tried to figure put what happened and I told her what happens to me. But now i was  it in contact with my emotions. I was faaaar from ok or fine. I dont know what she said tjat trigged me. I dont even remember the question. I only understand that she in some way made me get closer to a trauma memory of some sort.

I have not talked with my wife since that night. Its three days now. And i feel so empty and lonely. When I feel like this, i cant even pray. My body just shut down.

I pick up my phone and surf around. Sometimes i watch vids on apps and livestreams. If I notice anything that earlier would tigger a PMO. Now its not bother me at all. I just close it like its something im  it interested in. Thats is a great feeling :)

Right before i visited this site, i changed mysig to one of the play list I have to force my emotions to come out. And i cried a bit. Thats why o could write this down. It was all blocked before.

Now i see i got some text from wife. She sent them several hours ago, but I didn't recived them. I do t know if I will go home or if I will sleep in my car tonight.

I think its gone be that car until I feel I want to come home. I am bot ready yet and need to flush this anger and sadness out of my body so I could be presence and completely here and now when I arraive.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 10, 2017, 01:41:09 PM
Who do u call when u feel u must talk to someone bit have no one to call. And your phone been completely silence for the past day. Well the alarm set off this morning. But other then that. Zero calls and zero texts or social media. This is often the same Pattern every day.

I feel so lonely
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: cknfella on December 21, 2017, 08:55:21 AM
Mobilfreak -

I just spent a few minutes reading through your thread and posts. I want to encourage you - I'm really proud of your progress, and the fact that you're fighting so hard.  You can check out my story in detail, but during my lowest moments in life I thought it was better if I wasn't here either. Enormous depression, despair and sadness overwhelmed me. I also was sexually abused as a kid, and it's had serious implications on my sexuality throughout my life. 

But - there's hope.  You're right that PMO is not the root of your problem, rather the fruit of your actual problem. I believe, we all turn to PMO as with other addictions for one reason: we're trying to fill a deep hunger, yearning inside us.  That there's some void in our soul that we're trying to fill and we turn to PMO in moments of sadness, anxiety, loneliness, etc because that's our drug of choice.  However, there's hope.  I believe there's only one thing that will fill that void in our soul, and it's the One who made it - our Creator.  I go into more detail on my thread, and I'd love to continue the conversation if interested, but God has given me the strength to not only keep fighting PMO, but has also pulled me out of the pits of despair more than once. 

Praying you find true, lasting satisfaction in Him.  Reach out if you want to discuss more!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 23, 2017, 09:37:25 PM
Wow its now 136 days from PMO.

That feels fantastic!

It been some tough days thou. Wife have finally realized tjat she is not in a good health. Even if I tried to help her man y times before ro see that, she always close her eyes on that. But now she felt some new feelings and she was really scared. She explained her feelings and she was very anxious.

I made her call our therapist to book a time.  and I took her out after work for having time together and fuel her up with energy and love. I let her talk and she got better. She could also talk with our therapist the day after.

She thanked me a lot for pushing her to make the calm to the therapist. She needed it, and they will talk again  next week. She also understood that what I did for her after work. She never ever have done for me when I felt anxious.

Im happy that she is better now. But I was going thru some heavy things too. I was chatting with some girls and tried to get their attentions. It worked fine. It was not like it Been before. It was  no "fog like" feeling. But I was numb. Trying to "fix" me. I pretended to be a girl and lured another girls to send me some pics. The pics was  interesting at all. And i could search for pics to send her, without any thought about PMO or getting any arousal. I felt fine. It was not a low libido. It was just that it didn't make me wanna PMO at all.

What was i looking for. What was "the fix". It was tjat she sent pics a d wanted to talk to me. I wanted/needed to feel seen. Feel like I was liked.

After some texts, i asked if she wanted a DP. Just curious what she would do now when she was hooked. She said yes.  I did send one only to show tjat i was a guy. It was more like "haha ive got ya, roflmao". I quit talking to her. I then felt so bad for doing that.

I started to wonder if I should stop restart my counter. But I have after getting i balance again  decide  not to so it. I never touched me. I never PMO.

But I feel i need inprovment, and I now have start to develop a plan to raise the bar. Because i still notice how i sometimes look att girls i  public. And i want to look at my wife. She is really good looking and beautiful. I know guys look at her when we are in public. And guys have said to me to be Lucky.

Im happy that we still trying to get closer together. I only need to protect myself better against other people opinions. That's my biggest trigger. Its always the same Pattern. 1. Other people opinions. (consious or subsoncious) 2. Anxiety 3. Codependency 4. Depression 5. PMO

I have noticed when I have recently focused on my self and my dreams (anti codependent) i feel stronger and dont fall into the pit when somelne say or do something.

When I focus on my goals, on God, and my wife. I cant be beaten.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 25, 2017, 01:25:37 PM
Who do u talk to when u dont have anyone to talk to?
Who do u open your hear for when u all feel empty and want to disapear? Who do you call for a loving hug, when you want it from that person who can't give that? How do you live when u dont have anything to live for?
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 01, 2018, 08:17:28 PM
I'm so down today. I feel so deeply alone. Want a life but have no energy at all to make something about it. And I see people smiling and they thanks each other for having them as friends. I see them invite them to their homes. I see people eating dinner together. And I alone struggle with my suicidal thoughts.

I have tried to reach out, and some know how I feel. But my phone is complete silence and they keep telling me: "I do like u, I'm just being busy"

I wonder if they say the same when I'm dead?

"Im so sad that u leaved us, I wish I could help if I could, but I was so  usy with my life. Love you!"

What is love?

My diffenition of love is. "taking the first step to show someone affection"

That means priorities, and actions from a decision. That's not only a word or a feeling. It's shown in your daily life. U can't tell someone that u love them, if your daily life doesn't show it.

Do u love yourself?

Sustaining from pwo shows that I love my self enough to make a better future. But can I do more?

My struggle isnt against pwo. It is against self love and willing to live. Hope for a better future. A future I want to be a part of.

If I end it now, I will never have a better tomorrow. Ut if I end it today I don't need to feel another day empty and emotionless. I don't need to feel nothing when I do things I want to do. I don't need to wake up to another morning without motivation and will to live.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 04, 2018, 09:37:13 PM
Day 142

Been clean for 142 days now. No PMO.

That's fantastic :)

I have still talked to some girls, and I have seen some pic and films. Not more nudity then on a beach. I have not felt lie i needed to M when I saw these pics.

I still tho feel that feeling inside me that feel that false comfort when I look. I can search some innocent vids on periscope. But when if it gets to much arousing, i feel it and just close it. I dont want that feeling. It now is a reminder that i feel sad.

Depending on the day, I can deal with it and let it go most of the times. But some days is just awful. Like the last couple of days.

She have got her first anxiety attacks, and slowly start to admit that she really need help. And she slowly growing and take responsibiliy for her acts.

Its still on me thou.

Today I picked her up at the railway station after she met a friend in a another town for a couple of days. We had some difficulties to communicate right before she leaved. And i droppe her of without saying good bye or even look at her.

I was completely blocked. And that's it because i was so sad that she dont really love me. Or more accurate, difficulty to show me true love.

She walked out of the car and she tried to comfort me like I was a little toddler, and it only lade me mad. I was dead silence. She said she was worried and kept "saying the right Words" as she always do, but its not for me. She wants me me to be happy, so she could have me to take care of her.

Dont get me wrong. I do want to care for her, like my wife. It like my daughter.

She said she wanted to keep in touch over telephone while she was gone.

I Drove home and fell asleep. Got to work and after almost 12 hours she had not texted me nor did she call me.

During my break at work i texted her to try to communicate with her. And she answered some texts with how sorry shewas, and she need to change and all that. And she looked forward to see me the day after.

Ok my way home from work. I stopped the car in the forest and just cried. I also found some scriptures to help me focus.

Next day i called her and said hi, and ask how she was doing. And i looked forward to meet her. While at the trainstation i stood outside and waited on her, and when I saw her Colin against me she had a big smile on her face and wanted to hug me. And we hugged.

My good vibe immeditly dissapeard. I was again sad and while I felt sad, my wife kept on talking about what happend. I wanted to talk about our future and asked some questions to try to talk about the last days and Solve some things. She ignored me. Unconcious.

I finally got her attention and she could hear me when I told her I was fine until pur hug. And Im now sad because she dont want to talk about the realiity. That we have difficulties to communicate.

And I tried to reach out for her heart but she kept trying to "do well" and didn't answered me what she really felt like. I took a deep breath and tried calmly one more time. And she burst out in tears. And we could talk heart to heart.

We talked about reality. The difference about attachment and love. And i told her that i dont feel free when Im with her. I always feel like she grasping and Holding on to me. Like she is afraid that i will leave her. And she always try to convince me how good she is. So she play games. She ignores the facts that its bad between us and instead she put her smile on and try to cheer up the moment with laughter and "right things to do".

I said she dont need to do that, I love her for what she is. For everything she is. And she dont need to pretend to be someone she is not. She started to cry again. And she said she felt a warm feeling inside. A feeling she only have got from me. And she was thankfull for that, and also sad because she realized that her parants never showed her real love.

I showed her some could I saw some days ago, and wanted her opinion. It was about how to show genuine love and what the different of attachment and real love. And how we easily think that we give to those we love. When love is about  love to those we give.

After the clips she looked at me and said "that is what I do! I am attached to people" she understood now. And i asked her if she really had missed me. Or if she had missed getting a hug from me.

She understood that she had bult up a scenerio how things should be. She try to understand what "happy couples" do and she adapt. And she wanted a hug from me. She wanted to recive love. Not give.

She loves me, for me making her feel good. And I love her for who she is.

Thats what I mean when I say that she doesn't love me. She do only want recive. And when I am out of energy. She starts to try to save me and make me happy again so she can recive more.

And i have noticed. Its when this happens, when she do things to recive love tjat makes me sad. I feel abonded and unloved. Its in that feeling i search the Internet to talk to someone. I want someone to love me. I feel that when a girl flirts, dance and tease me, i feel seen and she "wants" me.

Its an illusion. And its here i need to show and give more love to my wife. I need to focus on me wanting to love her. I need to get put of my own pity.

Like i did today. I took the courage to stop keep ingen my feelings inside. If someone is making me sad. I need to tell them and I need to a sure them that i love them decpite of it. I need to tell people how I feel and do it with love. In this way i build up relashionships and can spread love to others.

Need to keep my feelings now. Keep focus on the goal. To give love. Not recive
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: toph on January 05, 2018, 10:33:00 AM
Congrats on 142, dont let anything make you loose focus.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 05, 2018, 02:56:40 PM
Congrats on 142, dont let anything make you loose focus.

Wow thanks mate! :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Broadfield78 on January 06, 2018, 04:03:55 AM
142 days is amazing for someone who has struggled with relapse many times before. You stuck with it and are now rightly being rewarded. Your journey is inspiring for someone like me who is just starting out. I read through your entire thread from the beginning and feel its opened my eyes to what I may face myself.

Here is to another 142 days
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 08, 2018, 07:48:15 PM
142 days is amazing for someone who has struggled with relapse many times before. You stuck with it and are now rightly being rewarded. Your journey is inspiring for someone like me who is just starting out. I read through your entire thread from the beginning and feel its opened my eyes to what I may face myself.

Here is to another 142 days

Wow I read this post for a couple of days ago. And it made me so happy. Didn't had time to reply until now.

One thing I wanted to do when I realized I could quit PMO was to tell my story for others. To give hope!

I have e seen how my journal got over 10k views. It's insane. And I have thought why all these people dont say anything or reply. I really appreciate it man!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 08, 2018, 08:02:22 PM
It's day 152. Wow.

My relationship with the counter on my home screen have changed over the past month. I  the beginning everything was a out the days. And I was so happy to reach 10. I noticed that day 3 was really hard. So I made a decision to stay strong.  But I almost always relapse within  day 10. Then I said to my self.
Hey ok, I can learn something from this. I will know in advance that day 3 and 10 will be tough and I know it's tough about day 45. because mostly I have relapsed once a month or so before I really started to track it. So let's see when the next day is...

I remembered how I was looking at my phone. And it felt like the numbers never changed. And when I saw how many days since last relapse, I said. What, not more days then that? So the counter helped me to remember to fight. I wanted more days. I wanted to beat it.

Now I don't reflect so much over the counter. When I see it, it's reminds me of my addiction and can even trigger some thoughts. I also notice how fast the days past now. Now it's like. Wow last time I reflected on how many days it been was when I did 142. What happened to those 10 days?

It's going faster and faster. And my brain can focus more and more on real life. That's so amazing.

Soon it's 180 days :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Clown Loach on January 09, 2018, 12:26:57 AM
I'd like to reiterate Broadfield78's point.  Thanks very much for taking the time to write in your journal and to track your progress.  It's an inspiring read, for those of us still struggling.  Congratulations, and I wish you all the very best as your speed on ahead towards 180 days :-)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 09, 2018, 06:04:13 AM
I'd like to reiterate Broadfield78's point.  Thanks very much for taking the time to write in your journal and to track your progress.  It's an inspiring read, for those of us still struggling.  Congratulations, and I wish you all the very best as your speed on ahead towards 180 days :-)

Thank u very much for those words. Wish you all the best. I know u can make it too :) 
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 14, 2018, 06:37:55 AM
I hate my life and myself today. I only wants to lie down under a stone and hope Noone will find me.

No emotions, no feelings. Just down, sadness. And I can't find the key today...

Sick of this life
Title: Mind games
Post by: mobilfreak on January 14, 2018, 05:10:03 PM
Education is one thing. To understand why things are like they are in the head is one thing. And understand that u really need to change. That's pretty easy. What is really hard is to get it down in your heart. And live from within so u dont need to fight.

Been at work today. So sad and just wanted to cry. Some times my body just started to stop holding me up. I couldmanage it thru the day. Now Im sittning in my car, in a parning lot. All by myself.

I notice how i swipe my phone endlessly without any aim. Only to keep my brain busy from getting in contact with my feelings.

I saw my ex friend on a pic, and I been sad. She told me she could not be friend with me any more because it felst strange when I called her a close friend and best friend.

On the pics i saw her, she had mudd warm with some guys in my age she had a great time. Whats making me sad is that what she does on that picture, is what I wanted to be able to do with her too. And i wanted to be able to do things like that with her. And some times i did. But she always went mad at me.

I also felt it was a strange feeling between us, and I wanted to heal that. But she did first ignoreed that feeling, then she accepted it. Instead of working it through, she quit talking to me... And she had promised me that she never would leave me.

I know i should let go of this. But it's so difficult. It makes me sad to see her. And if I stop following her on instagram it also would feel strange.

I know that Im part of a mind game with her, and I dont want to play that game. When I finish it, I feel good, then I suddenly back to the game again. Feeling like she is kicking me and wants me to suffer.

I know i need to for give herr, I know i need to step out of the game. And i know i cant be her friend until she steps out of the game too. And that could take real long time. Because she dont understand, Nor admit, she is in a mind game with me.

I need to get her out of my life. And i need to do it with love. Because if I stop following her on instagram, its only one step deep er in the game. And makes it harder to stay healthy and sober from PMO.

Att the same time when all this pain my heart, and just want me to scream out loud. I remember the times when she came and huged me, and hold me tight. And i remember how she smiled at me from distnace and assured me that i was loved. I miss that assurance.

How can the same person make u happy and sad at the same time?

This night gonna be long. I have promised myself to beat up the feelings inside me and let it out. Its propably will be like on christmas eve. When I heart boken fell down in the mudd and just cried lying on ground like a foster.

What I really want, is some one who ses me and lift me up and say. "Hey boy, its alright, come here and let me take care of u and show u some warm love"

I know that my mind game is trying to get that feeling from someone. Its like I cant stop searching for it.

Mom anf dad never gave me that kind of love. I can only remember i should behave and was good if I did. I was  it good as I was... :(

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 15, 2018, 06:50:01 PM
Feeling better again. Did was i promised myself. I didn't let me to go home until i did cry out. It felt so good. Now Im back again where i want to be.

I read some stories here, and several people have their phone with blockers and let there partner set the password. Etc.

Dont get me wrong. I know the struggle and everyone is different. But for me, i told myself in the beginning. I will not be able to cut off internet or my phone. Well i could. But I won't. Because its not where my problem lies. My problem with PMO is within. And if I could find the cause and effect, I would not need to block internet.

I also though to myself. I dont want to rely on a software or a or a partner. I want to rely on my self. I want to be in control of my life. And i want to learn how to do that.

Maybe i choosed a harder way. Or maybe Im stupid? Doesn't matter because it works!!

And I can now look deep inside me and see why I feel like this and how i can take care of myself. Its about self worth.

Day 159 now and only 21 days left to 180. A Milestone!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 16, 2018, 08:07:51 AM
Don't know what happen yesterday. I felt good and was going to bed. Has some stuff I wanted to do. But instead my brain and body choosed to play some games and surf the internet. And I felt how my energy disappeared and now I'm sad again...

My goals and energy are gone. What I build up yesterday is now gone again...

I even come across some vids and subs. Suddenly I noticed what was going to happen. I closed it.

I was out of control. It s so creepy when it's happens. It feels like someone else is controlling me and I screaming inside and can't manage totake care of my self. I noticed I haven't showerd for 5 days now.

Need to do something about this. Today again. Cry
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Galoobigboi on January 16, 2018, 02:45:29 PM
Keep it up man.Hold steady,you got this.Your brain is playing tricks on you.Try and nit stress about it.
I read that for some people,it takes well over a year sometimes so that your brain gets it shit together.
Give it time,and hold fast.
You got this.
Title: Calm and sleep
Post by: mobilfreak on January 17, 2018, 06:38:10 PM
Wow what an amazing experience.

Yesterday i felt sad and I knew i need to take time for myself. I had difficulties to really get in touch with myself and I tried to cry. Some feelings did came out but I also felt some tension in my legs. I thought to myself. "i read for a couple of weeks ago this is the feeling of anger." but I am so ashamed of being angry. I feel like its wrong. Several reasons. But the number one is that i made a decision to not be angry like my dad. I always felt sad when he was, and when I was about 12 i promised myself to not let other people feel that way. So I did not let anger take me from that time.
Also Im raised in a family were anger is not Okey to show.

Lately i came to understanding that anger is good for you. Its a way to say. You did hurt me and dont do that again to me. Its a way to show love for yourself and show other people were your line is.

Well, back to yesterday, i noticed my tensions and I started to do the 4,7,8 breathing exercise. You know breath in counting to 4,hold to 7 and breath out counting to 8. It makes your body calm and relaxed. And suddenly after only one loop. I started to cry. But I hold it in. And needed to do two more. And i just started to scream out loud, kick and stomping on the floor. Finally i was here and now.

I dont really know what made me that angry. But someone  somewhere probably said something to me that i swollowed.

Then i went home. To bed. I thought to my self i wanted to hug my wife, but I woke up by she telling me we had visitors from a company that will install broadband in our house. I stod up, ate breakfast, went to bed again, said to my wife i wanted to hug her yesterday but I fell asleep. She smiled and came to bed to hold me. I woke up a sec when she later kissed me on the cheek and said good bye. I mumbled good bye and fell asleep again.

Then i woke up with a snatch, WHAT TIME IS IT?
It was 20 minutes until my shift at work starts, and I have a 30 min Drive to work. My phone was completely dead and I hurried to work.

On the way to work, i analized what happend and I was so happy. I had been sleeping for about 13 hours!!! And it was Wooooow great. I skeptisk without any stress, anxiety or tensions in my body and it made me feel great!

No Im tired again. 8 hours a wake.  I think have a lot of sleep to catch up. :)

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 18, 2018, 07:20:34 PM
Just found a short YouTube clip about emotions and what happens if we don't deal with them.. PMO is one of them  (
Title: Keep focus forward
Post by: mobilfreak on January 20, 2018, 04:19:31 PM
Day 163 going for 164 in 2 hours. This is great. Been feeling great some days now. Keep focus
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 24, 2018, 06:43:41 PM
Day 167

No urges at all. But Im still lonely and sad.

Its difficult to stay hete and now. Its hard to stay in motivation for life.

I have to much inner pain to take care of. Every day i always get some sort of flashback to thing stuff people hav said during the years.

It makes me sad and feel lonely. I need to forgive and love. I need to move on. I need to work it through. Not only Run from it....

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 26, 2018, 12:27:13 AM
Why is it so hard?

I dont get it. I want to come back to my church now when I have been clean for so long. But they will it understand me or my emotions. I got dissfellowed for over a year ago. Not because i did PMO. Because i did PMO and did not regret my sins. Well thats what they thought. I was just sad because they did not listen to my crying help.

Now i have moved and try to come back i again have an elder who does not want to understand how i feel. So instead of saying i have done a great job by my own with 165 days. He say i need to be in church more often. I say to him that i do visit every time Im feeling good enough. He insists that i should go even when Im not feeling top. Because its in the church God can give holy spirit.

Next meeting i feel something is going on inside me, but I go to church anyway. I listen to the elder. After only 15 minutes i someone say something about showing love and its inportant to dont critizes, because when u do that people ger discourgared. And explained that Jesus, when  he died, told the theif about good stuff and encoraged him to belive.

It made me feel so sad, i have asked several people for help, I have begged for someone to listen  to me, who can help me lift off this burden off my shoulders.

I just wanted to start cry, but I hold it in. I  my head i heard the elders voice echoing. "be presence and take part of the holy spirit". I started to wet my eyes. But I hold it in. I started to stare, i lost connection with myself. I just sat and stared in the ground. When it was finnished i got to the car and Drive home. I wanted to cry. But I got stuck in my phone and some music.

My wife came home. And she started to do exactly what she DONT should do. I just closed and shut down. And as I have wrote before. When  Im sad, my wife dont comfort me, she start to play psychilogical games. Trying to resurser me and take care of me. Not Holding Space. She gives me food, and pet me on the shoulder, and say "you are Okey" and then sit quite. And then she start to get angry on me because i dont talk.

I know she been sad for 5 days, and I know she have fleed to face her emotions. Every time i brought it up, she have changed subjekt. But now, when Im really down and sad, she do what ever neccisery to get attention again. Becuse i can give it when  Im sad.

I know and have the knowledge to see all these things. So I step out of my sadness to comfort her for real. She play harder until she have all the attention from me. She cry out and release her tensions. Then she fall asleep calm lysande stressfree.

I just sit there. Empty, still sad, alone, no one who care about me, i am only good to have. I try to fall a sörpla but can't. I get on and off on the phone. I start to search random subs pics. Notice what I do. Quit and try to sleep. Then open the phone again.

Wife snoore loudly

I get on the phone, and then off again.

I know what I need to to. I need to cry. Its Okey. Someone hurted me, and I did  listen to someone advice who dont understand whats best for me.

Now Im in my car. Again. I dont know if I going to kill myself or what to do. I feel it all the way up to the nose. Can't breath. Its heavy. No one listen, no one care. Everyone uses me.

I need to leave my wife and I need to get a new life. But I can't dl that and have a clean  consoius towards God. Im stuck in the middle. Trying my best to get out the mud and scream for help.

How can people be so cruel?
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 28, 2018, 06:36:01 PM
Back on track again

Day 172 now!!

I did read in an article about lonliness. The advice was to talk to God about it and your friends. I dont have any friend i can open  up for. But I tried to make a preyer. And in the first Word that came out my mouth, i just bursted out crying. It felt so good.

Then i notice, i was not where i wanted within myself. Still had some feelings to acknowledge. I did found out when I feel depressed, sad and need to cry (and the PMO urges starts) i am i  a state explained in Transactual Analyzis as "Im not Okey - you are Okey". I feel like everyone else have a great life and mine doesn't matter. I want to feel Okey, so I start to look for external ways to prove Im Okey. I hunger för strokes. I want people to see me, and love me, and if they dont do that genuinly, i start to look online for girls to talk to. And want them to want me...

But when I cry, and start to comfort myself. When I looking for internal ways to prove Im Okey. I start to cry and heal.

After that... It should be "Im Okey - you are okey", but its not. The i go to "Im not Okey - you are not Okey". I start to get bitter of the person who wronged me, and Im sad that i dont feel like I can forgive then. The anger start to raise but I hold it in. Bearly noticeable. In this state i can live for long time. Its here my normal state is. Here i do the right things. I uses will power to get ahead. I rarely feel happiness (feelings are hold back and close off becuse of the anger i bult up and not really noticed, and ashamed of having) and its a ticking bomb until someone will wrong me again and I have the feeling "it not worth it, see how hard I try, but Noone likes me anyway, i give up".

From here i NEED to get to the  "Im Okey - you are Okey" state. And to get to that staten i just sit down and think about these questions.

Who do I want to be?
How do i want to deal with this anger?
What would i say to my Childen, if I had any, so they could learn to deal with this emotions?
Why do I want to change?

After these kind of questions, a strong feeling builds up within. A feeling that i want to be a loving person, want to forgive other people and genuinly give them attention, even if they wronged me. They did not know they hurted me and they dont see it if I tell them. I dont need to explain for them, i only need to forgive them. Not for them, but for my own health.

And from that point. I get allt of energy. I want to do stuff, i start to dream and set up goals. I have hope for the future and can give other people energy and love. And i feel genuinly happy.

Its easy to say now, when I feel this great. Just do it.

The good thing is that i know its possible to find internal trust and solutions. I know that my PMO urges are only in my thoughts, and I can rewire them like this.

What I know feel is hard and take a lot of energy is that it takes a lot of time to do all these steps. It takes some sleep away. And i have some things in life i need to do, even if Im sometimes feel like a black little spot under a stone and dont want to come out. Thats the hard part for me. To make all the efforts needed to get in the zone.

Im happy thou. I can not only make myself travel like this inside me, but I also have some sort of understanding and words to communicate it to others in a way that people can learn from this and also get help and find inner strength.

Still fighting, but not in a negative way. Now it gives me energy :)

And I have even bought tickets to Tomorrowland this summer. This is madness! I bought tickets for a festival and I did it because i wanted to go. I dont remember when I did a thing for myself last time.

Its 180 days to the festival, so it will be a great celibration of almost a year without PMO (351 days when the festival is)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 01, 2018, 06:48:13 PM
Day 176!!!

Whoop Whoop.

I begin to notice some really good things in my rehab. I saw a movie (total recall) and noticed how my look on women have changed. There was no tigger i  the movie, but I noticed how the female actors was acting and filmed like they were objects. And i did not like that.

I also realized, these women, said yes to the rolls so its on theirs shoulders.

Its a big victory towards a normal and sound view of females. Something i have been difficult really manage to see, because of my early years of being in contact with sex.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 06, 2018, 06:46:23 PM
Day 181

Still going strong!

New energy and new focus on the future!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 12, 2018, 07:29:15 PM
Day 187

I think I have pretty much rebooted now. There is no urges for PMO at all. And when I start to feel like I did before when I wanted PMO, I instead think I need to cry, let go of anger, or only calm down  and have some self time.

I still cry a lot. It's still the same. Someone makes me sad and I don't notice it until hours or days later.

I'm also happy to say that my screen time is more and more less. I ha e used a game to flee my feelings too. And I noticed some days ago I was going to play the game when I felt good, and I felt like it was damageing me if I would play. So I leaved the tablet and did something else so I could keep my good feelings and motivation for life.

Looking forward to reach 200days soon :)
Title: Day 197
Post by: mobilfreak on February 23, 2018, 05:59:24 PM
Im sitting in my car. Empty inside. Alone. Feeling like I want someone to talk to. I need someone who listen to me when I went my inner feelings. I need someone who dont judge me. I need someone who hold Space for me.

I have my phone in my hand, my body wants to call someone, i want to talk with someone and let my tears out. I want to fall in someones arms and just cry, and hear the Word. "its Okey, Im here for you, let me take hold you"

I have some names in my head i think i want to call. And when I think about these people and these names, i understand that they will not be there for me. They will not understand and I dont even know if they real care.

My chest is tight, my arms too. I feel how my body try to hold back the sorrow. I want to let it out. But I dont have anyone to call.

Those i want to call, they have also Caused me a lot of pain, and I dont know if Im ready to let them into my life again. I have my guard up and its really hard to be here and now.

I know that if I do t get this put of my body soon, my urges  will grow and i will go in the oppositewway then I want to.

Soon 200days from PMO. Seen some subs, but have always clicked close when I realized what was going to happy. So I would say i am doing great.

I hope i could get these tears out now and relive my pain once more. I hate it thou, because it really do feel like pain, pain from within. Its much harder to cope with then I ever felt from traumas like broken bones, surgery or other stuff. I

I think i will text my therapist, he is the only one i can feel like I can open up for.

The only thing i want is someone who loves me for the one i am, and do t judge me.

See you
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 24, 2018, 10:01:08 AM
Hey Mobil,

I know the feeling you describe very well. It sounds like you're in need if a sponsor. I'm in dire need of one as well.
Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. Having someone who understands is critical to our recovery.
Maybe look into a SAA or 12 step program? Also, for me guided meditation helps to quiet my mind and bring my consciousness to the present moment. There are some great apps out there for meditation and I've also started using an app called Sobertime. It's got an active forum of people facing all sorts of addictions. P addicts are a rare group bit we're growing. Also, one tends to get speedy responses when you're feeling really low.
I hope you've come out of your funk Ok. I'm here rooting for you. 200 days pmo free is a hell of an accomplishment!!! Continue to make choices that benefit your well being!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 26, 2018, 07:36:29 PM
Thank u very much for those words.

I did start to text my therapist. Then I deleteted the text and sent one to my wife instead to tell her how i sad feeling. She did not answer. And she did "wrong" by trying to help, she goes into what we call "Cabin crew mode" (can I do something fot you, u want the, food, a hug, a pillow, a walk? )
This time she just layed beside me in bed and said nothing. She was quite as a mouse and it was obvious she had more thinking on het self, to do right, and not to do wrong, then really care for how i felt.

We talked about it later, and she was little sad, because she want to be there for me like I am for her. And she was sad I felt like I dont have anyone e to talk to. And she tried to do what "was right".

I told her calmly, who did i text about how i felt? And she started to cry, she didn't see it. She started to blame her self for what I write instead of being grateful that i told her my deepest feelings and gave her the chance to hold Space for me.

She cried and said she was sorry, she understood why I felt like she dont care or listen to me. She started to talk about her feelings and open up and In a short time, maybe 15 mins. I felt good again, and could let go of my lonliness for this time.

Now its day 201!!!

Do t know how I will celebrate. Guess i need to make a plan :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 02, 2018, 06:39:00 PM
Day 204 going for 205.

Been some tough days now. Im in my car now again, i dont want to go home after work. I dont really know what is wrong with my wife. She is playing games again. Hard games. I do my best to avoid and give help when I can. I have commited myself to give her love and heal as much as I can. I let her cry on my chest and I confirm my feelings for her.

But she keeps puting up these tests so she can prove that she dont deserve any love. It takes allt of energy from me.

For some days ago we had guests and we got a tv for our video games. After the dinner and our friends had leaved, I did the dishes. And when I was done i noticed the floor was all wet. Something was wrong and I called the guy we rent the apartment from. The day after they took a look and someone have been an idiot to built so the water goes Down in the floor and  it in a closed system. And then built it in the kitchen, so we have black mould and asome other issues.

And this is perfect for my wife to worry, set a scen and make a big drama. She asks me irrelevant questions and talk about moving. And suddenly, when she now know about  the mould, she say she have difficulties to breath. She called me on my way to work and asked me if the guy who we rent from have called me and if he had said anything if we could stay in the apartment, or if he got anothwewone for us.

And this is after we already talked about the issue like three times in two days. But she dont stop to worry about it.

So I got angry, and asked her what she really want from me. She said she wanted to know about what to do. I asked again. What do you really want. Why do u call? Because right now u called me and asked me if I had some information, like I wouldnt tell u important stuff like we need to move. She started to cry, not becuse i was angry, but she understood it was something else. And she cried and cried and said she was a bad wife, and she dont want to cry anymore. She wants to be happy.

Her problem is that she always try to make it look like everything is fine, and she lie to me and her self about how she feels. She is not honest to me. I can asked her how much money she have on her bank, and she always say lower then it it. She want to be happy and talk with me about everything, so she make dinner and wants me to sit with her. Bot becuse she wants to eat with me, just becuse she wants a "happy marriage". So she keep making these scenens, and when I dont play the game, she start to cry and wants me to hug her and make sure I love her.

When I get angry, i hold it inside of me, because I want to show her love, i want to forgive, and make sure she feels that i genuinly care for her. The i start to hold it in, and it hinders me from being authentic. Then she start to make a new scen. That she is a bad wife becuse she can't make me happy. She see that Im sad, and she sits beside me, completely quite. And start to try to rescure me. She said she wanted to be with me and wants to care for me. . I just asked. Do you really want to care, or do you want it to be like a speciel way?
She started to cry again. And commited and realized she dont care about me, she only care about the image, it dont looks like we have good relationship.

I went out in my car yesterday, i cried and screamed. And wow, i fell asleep right away in the car. After some hour, i went back home, and in bed i felt this stone in my stomach again. This morning she sent me a text and said she realized that she didn't cry because she was sad, she cried becuse she played a victim, she was trying to play the game even harder. She wanted me to kick her, so she could get a new "fact" that she is a bad wife.

Its takes so much energy from me when she do lite this. And i makes me feel sad and angry. And i feel like I can't show her those feelings, becuse its an answer for what she trying to get. Then my games starts to roll out. I feel sad becuse Noone likes me, and I dont have anyone who loves me for being me. I need to dale my anger so my wife do t feel sad.

This is me being codependent. And when I get codependent, i want PMO. I want to talk with someone. So  did go out on a chatroom some days ago  and found a girl who wanted to see me on sc. So I sent her some pics and talked about how she wanted me. She didn't send me any nudes, and I didn't M or O. I just gave her what she wanted. And i felt loved becuse someone wanted me. Thats is my drug.

What is love?

I realized, i need to forgive my wife. I need to again tvi k what I want. Think about who i want to be. What I can do to not be codependent. I felt so good today. I never answered my wife text this morning. I detached myself from her. Then she started to send new text about how i was doing. And i said the truth. I was doing great but she takes alot of  energy. And i feel like she sufficates me.

I was at work, so I couldn't answer, but she kept sending me new texts about her new discoveries about herself. She is puttning together a new scen again. She wants me ro be part of it again. I felt it, becuse after k red her text ar work, my energy vanished in a blink of an eye. And i was sad all night then. I cried out and screamed put loud again. To let go of my frustration and anger again.

I dont know what to do really, and I know exactly what to do. But i am afraid of doing it, because it feels wrong and painful. I need to step back and let my wife take care of her own shit. I dont want to leave her. But I need to leave her with her the problems she only can take care of herself. I need to deside that she is not allowed to use me. Its bot Okey for her to play games with me. I need to say she need to grow up, and I need to be clear that she won't get me. O will live my life and live happy. And i will do it without her if she do t want to come with me.

I do t know thou if I can do that. I do t know if I can leave her behind. It feels like I betray her and like I dont love her. I belive this is one of my toughest things yet to come.

I need to move and keep moving forward no matter what she is doing and what games she will play. I need to forgive and live her, and ler her go.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 14, 2018, 09:33:36 PM
Day 217

Still fighting with my lonliness. Sitting in my car, with feelings and deep emotions, want to let them out, feel that i need someone to talk to. Just someone who can listen and confirm me. When I realize i dont have anyone to call that i feel that confidentand trust  with, i just pouring out my tears and its so painful. I start to pray, but I can't focus. I just cry.

My wife keep playing games with me. Today she admitet that she dont want to be with me. She want me being with her. So she can feel loved. She is using me for boosting her selflove and self esteem.

If she dont love her self, she start to make tests to see who wants to be with her. And playing this game hard. And then she find someone who play the game with her, and the other person is only kind, and book a meeting. But the meeting is not genuine. So my wife start to cry and say  that No one loves her and so on. Then put up pics on instagram to see comfort and a new circle is before  to start. She crave for attention.

I feel just empty, and misses my friend, who i have not talked to for over 3 years now. At last she wanted to be with me, she didn't use me.

Well she did that from time to time. But Mostly I was an asshole and played that game my wife now playing on me to my old friend. I can't understand why she stayed with me. Well i do have my guesses, and I guess she really liked me most of the time, but gates me when I played the games.

The sad part is that i am a person that looked for solving the problems. And did a lot of work deep inside me. But it seams like my wife dont want to do the same. She wants me to rescure her instead.

I would be happy if I could call someone when Im so sad like now. I do want to kill myself sometimes. And I know that when I feel that shit inside, i feel lonely and need to call someone. And its just making it worse, when I remember tjat i dont have anyone to call.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 15, 2018, 08:20:06 PM
Day 218

Cant sleep again

My head is spinning

Im loosing the grip again

I m feel nothing

I dont feel empty, just nothing

I know what I need to do

I need to talk to someone

I need someone who listen to me

I need to set some new goals and find some new motivation

I need to stop live my life from other people opinions

I need to pursue my own dreams, goals and future.

But I dont know if Im worthy

I dont want sympthay, i dont need someone telling me Im worthy.

I know that in my brain, but my subconcious mind keep holding tight to that lie.

I dont understand why it keep taking it back after i throw it away.

I want to be someone who take care of my self.

I want to be a rolemodle.

I want to live
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 17, 2018, 09:18:50 PM
Day 220

One more day in the car. Alone at night. Trying to get in contact with my emotions.

I found the oss at home, but couldn't let it out.

I was so angry last time. I finally found my emotions, and screamed like I njfever done before. I slept so well tjat night.

Now i have got the flu for some days. And at same time this shit in my head trying to get fixed.

I just want to die

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 19, 2018, 08:02:04 PM
Day 222

So many games playing in my head. So many people who play games with me.

I dont know who i can trust anymore.

One person text me and I feel how my stomach turn inside out.

I managed to cry a bit today, what a relief. I noticed it was not about love this time. It was about trust.

I then got some texts and it started again. Now Im lie beside. My wife in bed and cry again.

She told me that my old friend who dont talk to me anymore, her sister do have a spring break soon and want to visit us.

My stomach turned into a Stone and I feel i can be myself. It like someone else decide how i should act. So I stiff up and can't relax.

And in about 1 month. We will meet this family, but I have so much anxiety about it. They call us best friends. But they dont know anything about what we going thru and how me and my wife struggle.

And the worse part is, my old friend will be there too, and I will need to really be safe so I can handle it all.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 24, 2018, 05:33:29 PM
Day 227

Im crying, tears down my cheeks right now. Like forth time this week. And Noone knows. Well wife do, she knows Im out alone. And she knows Im late from work.

But she never ask about it. Its so community right now, so she dont really reflect about it.

I cried before i got home today, came home, couldn't say a Word, and she gave me some food and layed her hand on me. No emotions at all.

I couldn't get a Word out of my mouth. I finally got out again, walked to the car again. I felt so heavy in my shoulders, bearly could lift my felet. I got into my car, turned the keyboard and started to cry again.

Some corners away, i couldn't see the road because of all the tears. I found a place to park. I found some feelings about being replaced and unloved. I think i cry like this  because my wife "leaved" me when she was cheating on me several years ago. I was not in my best shape then, and I was not in contact with my feelings.

I know i did forgive her and all that, but I also think i never did the work needed to heal. I i think i cried, felt betrayed, read some articles about it, and started to do the things you should do to  make it work out again.

I dont remember that i talked about my emotions and feelings with anyone. I dont remember if someone even asked me how i felt or deal with my emotions. I do remember thou how some people who knew about it told me i really did beautiful things to make sure my wife did feel loved again. I took her to some exklusive restaurant om our anniversery. And i throwed a little party for us.

I think many of these emotions got  buried alive and I did what I always have done. Being strong, and work hard, for sucess.

Its almost one hur ago i left the house tonight. And my wife still havent called nor texted me. I dont know for how long i can stand this.

I want so badly to talk someone, i want someone who can see through my feelings and just hug me. I want someone who send me a text with the words "i miss u".

I miss my old friend, the girl who leaved me. She did text me with those words. She did send me some texts from nowhere and said she missed me, thought about me, or she could just walk up to me with arms out and a big smile to give a big warm hug. I can miss that so much.

My wife sure hugs me, but she dont hug me like that, she hugs me more like she wants me to hug her back. I dont feel any love from my wife. I feel that she are anxious or ar afraid of giving me a hug. She is afraid of not feeling any love back. Her hugs are not genuine and I hate them. I really do!

I wish she could hug me like she loves me and misses me. And i wish I could miss her to, and hug her like that.

Right now, i can live in my car. I dont care a out anything right now. I just want to be alone until i can feel anything worth living for.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on April 04, 2018, 07:04:46 AM
Day 237

Home and sick for the last several days in the flu. High fever that puches anxiety and nighmares to life.

Have been difficult to sleep and for almost three days i have felt press over my chest and turned in bed like a little Child. Tonight i dreamed i wanted to talk to my mom and tell her what I feel and that Im sad becuse she dont listen or can show me real love. (becuse she dont love her self) and in the dream my mom wouldnt listen to me and only said. "we dont have the same point of view of this thing, and I dont want to talk about it". My answer in the dream was. Please mom, i really need you to listen to me so I can lay off this buden, i need you in my life ". She looked at me, tightend up, and kept her feelings to her self, her body language said." this is my stand point, and I will not change it, Nor liten to anything else". I said again please i need to talk to you about this. And she turned around, and walked away. I started to go after her and she started to Run. And then the dream got wierd, like two superheros fought in a action movie. Me crying over that my own mom don't want to talk to me or listen. And she just tried fly away and keep the distance from me.

Well this was a dream thou, but it was based on my emotions and anxiety. I have confronted my mom some time, and she always do the same. She dont want to listen.

It remember me of one time when my brother was sad and wanted to cry. Mom walked put the door and said she would leave us alone. I gave my brother a big hug from the bortom of my heart and he started to cry. We talked about it and he said he never got that sort of a hug before. We talked about why mom leaved. And the truth is, that she can't handle sorrow. She couldn't stay. Because if she did, she needed to get in contact with her own emotions and feelings. Things she have pressed away and down for many years. Things she's is afraid of deadline with. Things tjat hurt her if she let it come up again.

I need to focus on my own life and my own feelings. I dont want to do like mom. I want to be honest, i want to show genuine love, empathy, and give comfort for people in need.

Out with the old in with the new genuine
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on April 14, 2018, 06:55:44 PM
Day 248 to 249

Im hurting and in such a emotional pain. I dont know how to cope. It have been 5 days now.

It started on thuesday, my wife texted me about something at work. It was a text about something strange. I dont remember it more then I understood that something is going bad. I felt she was playing games again becuse she asked me for allowens to go shopping and asked me if I felt hurt if she did it.

I told her the truth. That she can't control my feelings and emotions. She answered back and said thank you. And meant that i pointet out that her question was not clear and she did not understood why she asked that question.

I also told her that i had some important things to do and I didn't have time to go shopping.

The next day she was gone and I thought she was with her parants as she said and went shopping. I sent her a text that she need to send over the money for our company she got from some customers so I could record it in the book. She answered that she have not got all the money. And i said thats Okey. Just send over the money.

When  she came home i asked her about it. And she said again that she not have got all the money. And I got frustrated, and asked her if she had read that i asked for the money anyway, and it didnt was a big issue that one not had paid.

She told a new exuse, and said she didn't think she could take the money she got back from the tax. I again asked her the same question and also added what does she want. Why does she not answer the questions? She said earlier in the day to do it, but she didn't. So why say yes when she meant no? Then she have a third excuse. I got mad becuse she dont tell the truth right away. Then she tells me she is stressed because she will talk to the therapist that day.

It was a game, she started, and I got mad becuse she did what she promised to not do again. She talked with the therapist while i took a bath.

I felt the tension and I told her i got mad becuse she dont talk to me. I need to go to work so we dont have time to talk about it. But Im still angry becuse she have not stop the game.

During my work she semester a text 4 hours later that she now feel well and things. I only told her that its good that she feel better and I tell her i feel like Im worthless becuse people dont respect me and my time. And that she just Walked in to me when I was working and started to make a scene to get attention.

She answered that she could understand that. But she didn't apoligize or something. I also said that i probably feel that way becuse thats how my mom always did when I was young. We should take care of her and other people. If we didn't do that, we was not good enough.

She answered only. Good you know where it come from. Where i replied mmm.

I want home but felt upstairs, i slept on the couch and when  I woke up i noticed she still played games. She was not in the real world. She was super happy had her face on. (her husband slept on the couch and she is happy?) she asked a sill question and I didn't bother to answer it. I isoloted myself in the couch and moved to the bed later. She come to me sometimes during the day and said something like. "Oh, I see that u dont feel good, please talk to me" and the she put a hand on my foot, was quiet, and the she Walked away. She was not here and now. And was not genuine. After 4 hours i couldn't stand it and took the car and slept in the car during the night. I then took the car straight to the work and back home after she leaved for work. And I get to work before she came home again.

During this time she start to send texts and I dont answer any of them.

Thursday 10:07pm How are u?
Thursday 10.22pm i feel sad when I dont talk to me, I feel your pain but I am feel powerless. I dont know where u are or what u want. <3 i like u
Friday 6:42am where are u? ;( i am starting to feel worried when I dont hear anything from you.
Friday 12:19pm <3
Friday 1:02pm where are u? I am worried sick. Can't u tell me where u are and that u are a live.
Friday 11:03pm what is happening? I dont want it like this, I want to talk about it
Saturday 2:04pm I really miss you. Can u come home today.
Saturday 4:24pm i want u to know i am here for u and that u know tjat i care about you. I want you to feel good and if it is anything between us i want to know. And if it is not, i want to be there for you and give u support.

About 2 hours After this text she came to my work. Im working in a store 30min driveway from home and we have only one car. First i i see her in the store, and she is walking around, looking for something to shop. I can't Imagine its my wife, so I look twice, and she dont even look at me. She looks stressed and trying to find something to buy. She stand in line and when its her turn i just say 10 bucks. She give a 20 and said quietly "do you come home today". I have her the change and told her to have a nice day. (the store was full of people) and she Walked away without a Word.

And I start to wonder how she got there. And after a couple of minutes my mom enters the store. The same way, looking for something to shop and stand in line, and she ask if she can do something for me. I just look away and ignore her. She ask when I end working and I keep ignoring her. She walk away quietly.

Only a couple of hours earlier a was out in the car during my break and cried of lonliness and that i dont har anyone genuine people close to me. Who really care.

After my mom left, i felt completely empty and had really difficulties to keep my tears in and do my work. I was alone at the store. I couldn't stop thinking about what the hell my wife is doing with my mom in the store acting like that.

After about 30 minutes. My mom arrives again. And start to look for more stuff to buy, and stand in line, and she say "i want u to know that I love you very much" and walks away while i completely ignore her.

Then i get new texts some hour later from wife.

9:31pm what I wanted to say was "i love you" you mean so much to me.
11:58 how are you?

Some of you who read this maybe think that my wife showing that she cares. We have talked about this behaviour many times and its a game. And when she is playing game, she is like a Child, and she dont take care of her self.

U can see it in the texts. She want me to come home, becuse she misses me. She want me close so she can feel whole. U also see in the texts that she write the same thing over and over again.

When playing games u have one of three roles. Victim, helper, persecutor.

This is what is happening. I have promised myself to quit playing games Im aware off. I can't stop others from playing, thats there life, so sometimes i need to play the games anyways. So I often see the gameplan and try to keep me put as much as possible.

This game my wife know she do play. But not when she is in it. We have talked about it is only one way to quit playing, and its to be honest and stop take roles. Her game she is playing is that she want people around her to get angry om her so she can get attention. So she play dumb and a victim, who need help.

I was mad and angry and I told her about it. But she didn't take it as an adult and apoligize, she took lt like a Child and started to feel bad and like its her fault that Im angry. And she now want me to start to help her and take care of her. (this is what har dad failed to do to her)
So when she starts that game she acting like I would rescue her from this bad life. If I dont play a long, she change game to focus on me. Thats its me who is sad and Im a victim that need help. So she start to help me.

The thing is that Im not need help, Im not a victim. I am in emotionell pain and iam angry becuse people use me like a helper. And I dont want to be used, so I leave.

When wife keep sending the same text "where are u" she dont want to know where i am, she want attention, and she take the role as persecutor on me, while she be a victim towards my mom instead. And my mom is the best game player in the world. She is never genuine. So she take her favorite roles. The rescuer to rescuer her son from a bad day and give comfort to her daughter in law. Becuse now my mom can feel loved, becuse someone wants her in her life.

All this takes so much energy. The thing is that this game will end in three ways. One is divorce. Or that i start to talk with my wife. And when I do that i will get the role victim and I also will change to the helper, to help my wife to see the perspective of the gameplan and she will again feel like Im the best in the world who can help her see things. Or the third and best way is that she will understand the game her self and start being honest in her texts. She did tjat för some weeks ago. It took three days until she understand what she was doing. And she realized then that if I said anything at all, it would be the same as saying that she is not grown up enough to take care of her self.

That's why Im angry on my mom. She walks in and take care of my wife. Like she is not capable of fixing it by her self. She dont give her strenght or advice how to deal worth it. She walks in and do the work. Thats why I ignored her in the store.

Now Im sitting here in my car. I was on my way home today before wife and mom came to the store. I did cry out at the break and I got some strenght to go home and stay honest and real without going into the game. But I really dont want to come home  now.

I ask my self when my wife said. Please come home.
What should i come home to? A hug from a wife that want to keep the face while all things are chaos inside.

When I came home to sleep yesterday while she was as work. I found a beer in the fridge and a lunchbox with my name on it.

Again u maybe think. Wow what a wife. But this is only what she does when I am angry. And i almost never drink beer. Only when I feel relaxed and here and now. So when she buy a beer, its becuse she have a picture in her head that if she makes food and I drink a beer she bought we are a happy couple.

We have talked about it a lot of times. With the therapist too. She acts like a cabin crew member. "can I fix something for you so you can be happy, i will do anything"

I ask for one thing. An authentic life. And she always looks at me with big eyes and questuonmark over her head. Its like we living in two world's.

I dont know how long i can deal with this. Maybe she can fix something after she talked with the therapist on Tuesday.

I have watched one clip today over and over again. What is the robot cause to addiction?
Its about connection. And if u can feel connect, u look for it in the world thru drugs. And deep inside its all about pain, pain we want to get rid off, and that is only possible with someone who shows genuine compassion. Someone who hold space for you and show you genuine love.

My wife misses my love in her life. She dont love me, she dont misses me. She want that feeling i give her in life. She need me, she dont love move. And when she is getting to needy, i leave to breath. And people think Im not showing her love.

My respons is that u can only love someone as much as you love yourself. And when u dont love yourself, u try to suck attention and energy from others. So to show my wife genuine and completely love, I need to heal.

I now what I need. I need support for my pain. And that support my wife can't give me. Becuse she surpress her own feelings, so she can't show empathy. And i dont know anyone who can.

So I keep practice to show myself. Becuse if Noone else love me, i need to love myself.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 10, 2018, 12:42:22 AM
Day 273

No PMO for 273. That's really amazing.

But I still have some issues to take care of.

Been some weeks now I have been Down and very difficult to get i  contact with myself and stay focused.

I been mad, angry, hurt and sad. Stay up all nights. Talk to girls and I even watch p again. I do t even notice how my willy feel about it. I have  no urge at all to M and O.

I only want something I can use to cope with this pain.
I have tried to be alone and let it out. But I can't.

I have tried several nights now I I just can't get it to work.

I'm letting anger out, I try to cry. But nothing helps. I can feel how the tears ar up to my throat, I can feel how they start to get to my eyes and my chest want relief. But I just stops.

Its like my body want to feel bad and sad all time. It's afraid of the good i know I can have it the future. It's like something In me wants the past more.

And I realize i felt like this for two years ago when it lead me to the decision to take responsibility for my life and let go of my past.

And when  I begged for murcy, love and forgiveness. I did t get it. I am  lw into the same boat and I need to make the same decision again and make a step forward again. And this time I need to trust myself and keep going. Becuse the bastard to mentors did  or forgive me.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on July 03, 2018, 08:50:46 PM
Ok. So I had some difficulty times last months and had a struggle. I have felt alone after some cruel sick week some months ago. And I stopped all my routines.

Slowly I began to visit some sites and slowly I let my self down and looked for comfort in the chat rooms. And slowly I destroyed myself again.

I have been living in my head. I was so sad and tired of crying every week. I just wanted to go on and leave it all behind. But instead I began to hold in the pain again and I have not built up a new strong solid ground where I could seek comfort.

I had some relapses watching P. But I closed it. Couple of weeks later. I did MO without P. Most of my time awake I used to chat, sleep, and work. And in the time between try to build up my new life.

I lost connection with people and slowly fell down into the abyss of emitiness. I search my chatroom and I got hard. I did keep talk with girls. And after several hours. I still haven't M. I haven't even notice I was hard.

It all was something to use fp flee from my emotions.

I have now noticed PIED. Not that strange, becuse I haven't been here and now when I have been with wife. All my energy have been used to hold my emotions in place.

I did PMO for some times, but I didn't really care. It was Okey.

Yesterday I decided to restart the timer. Becuse I knew it lied to me everytime I looked at it.

Now I feel sad when I watch it. I feel some fear, becuse I again feel what I felt before I told about this to my wife the first time.

I told her some days ago I have had some set backs and did some PMO. She only listened. Didnt really show anything. I did not talk from my heart, so maybe that's why.

I only told her what I have been up doing.

I feel that I am not I'm my heart. I am not honsest with myself. It's something that is missing.

I have awful lot of anxiety right now. Becuse I will meet for a seminar soon. And i will meet all my old friends who show happiness to see me, but they have not called me for 3 years or more. I feel so alone and I fel that the only way I can feel som attachment is in the chatroom.

But I know that if I chat I will end up in P. I have for the positive things, do not search P without visiting the chatroom first.

But anaywat. Back to the upcoming weekend and meeting. When I wrote about it my tears started to fall down my chin. I want to go to the seminar. I wam to listen to the talks and let it build up my heart and make me stronger and better.

But my head is full of those thoughs and heart full of emotions like fear and anxiety. I am so sad about how my friends have acted upon me. They have not been there for me and I have no one I can trust. And I will let many of them who will tell me they care and that they want to hang out. And I need to be in control and dont make that kind of talk discourage me or make me depressed. Becuse then I can't listen to the seminar.

I have been thinking about to walk in late and go early so I don't need to met people. But that also reminds me about all the stuff I don't want to have in my life.

I know it's something here I need to heal from.

I want to visit the seminar and feel welcomed, feel free and happy. I want to be able to give to others. And I want to have something good to say to my friends who only come to me to excuse themselves for not being there for me.

I know the best thing is to tell them I forgive them. But if I don't feel that, it will not help me.

As I said long time ago, the hard is to come back to the congregation. Because now I have nothing to blame for them not talking with me. Now I can't tell myself I'm disfellowed.

Since February I only have had two people who phoned me. And I really feel worthless because no one cares more than that. And I feel is so difficult to be at that meeting becuse I will at rhe same time feel all this emotions betrayal.

I have realized many new things the past years. And one of them is how u can recognize a true and genuine friend. So I did understand that some of the people I told friend before, isn't really a one.

One I would have said was my bf before, I rang after two years apart and said I wanted to keep it touch and take a coffee. He said yes and asked what days I could make it to his town.

We booked a day and he  booked off. And then I gave him some new days. But he did want to check it. And I took the steps necessary to make it happen. I told him that I'm a new person and it's not like before anymore. So when he didn't called back my missed calls or texts. I just leaved it.

I will probably meet him this weekend and he will say. I'm so sorry for not calling u, it been sooo busy.

And I know now. No one is busy to do what they want to do.

And that's reminds me of myself. What am. I doing with my time? I waste it on chatrooms? Why? Becuse I don't feel any comfort anywhere else. I don't feel any trust. And no one show they want to build any trust.

This all is making me really sad and I don't really know how to deal with it.

We have our anniversary day this weekend too. And we have invited some friends we felt we wanted to have with us to a restaurant. And my mom keeps talking with my wife about things she don't need to care about.

She is a guest and she can't handle that. She is worried about how much money it will cost and she keeps asking what we want her to buy for us.

We have not even thought about anyone should by anything at all. We only wanted a good time together.

My friend I told u all about before. The girl who made me so sad. She will be with us to with her family.

I have sent her two texts. She didn't answer them.

I wonder why I even care to make the effort for them. But I know what's the issue are. It's about forgiveness.

I only want to be able to talk hear to heart with my friends. I want to tell them I love them. Forgive them. But they have made me feel sad becuse they dont make any efforts to care for me. What are friends for?

I am afraid to tell them too. Becuse like mom. She would say she do care and that it's me who isolate and keep away.
It's partly true. And it's because I can't be genuine. I would like to say what I have on my heart and the people say. I'm sorry we didn't known u felt like that. And give a hug. Instead of telling me it's all my fault.

All I need is some comfort and love.

And I want to give that to everyone else.

I don't know rhat ro do. And I know what to do.

I hate it all.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on July 11, 2018, 05:48:38 PM
Ok day 6 here

Much easier this time.

Was out and meditated last night and found some new deeper and wider perspectives. Before I felt I missed love, and felt alone. Now I realize I feel betrayed, and what I miss is security and trust/faith/belief in a friend. Someone I know always will be there for me no matter what is happening.

And I have been unconscious trying to make up small tests to see if people would stay or leave.

I need to belive and have faith in God, that he will give the that kind of friendship.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 11, 2018, 03:09:01 PM
It unbelievable. I don't really get it yet.

She cheated on me again!

And she tried to commit a suicide!

After a week she told me about it. And told me she would fullfill a suicide if I leaved her.

There I stood. Angry, sad, devistaded, wanted to scream out loud, wanted to he'll all I could. All I felt was a ice cold Zapp going thru my bones and I sat down with her and hold her in my arms.

I made sure that she was stable enough to keep live. I took off from my job to stay home with her. She did keep go to her work.

I took her out, I talked with her, I listened. And I cried in my heart. But all I tried to focus on was to help her ease her burden and help her talk so she would like to keep to live.

She said she was sorry, and she told me she want to be with me. But I felt that she did mean she was afraid of being alone. But I wasn't sure. So I forgave her and told her I'm willing to work for it, but only if she will work for it.

She said yes. I said, this time I will not listen to your words. I will look at your acts.

She didnt understood really. She did fake it. Tried to make it look like she did the right things. I just cried and cried. She ask me to share bed with her.

I understood she didn't understood anything. I felt how she tried to walk around sexy and seduce me. I kept taking her out on walks. Late nights.

And we was booked a whole day in the city one Saturday two weeks after she had told me about it and said she would do anything to be with me.

We had two things booked, one group run. And she said she couldn't let her sisters and friends down, so she must make the run.

The day we had booked only we two. She canceled and said she didn't feel well. I could understand her. I was not letting it hold me back. So I did go to meat our friends alone. On my way home I called her. And she told me she was out, at a friend's place. Talking. Fast made sure I did not misunderstood, and she said again. We didn't talk about us.

It made me so mad, I asked when she can be out of the house. She didn't understand. I told her again she need to sleep at her parants house tonight.

I came home. It was quite. I thought she would be there. She came to get a phone charger. When she came home. She was mad. Fort the first time in my life I seen her mad at me. She was asking me why I kick her out. And why I didn't tell her right away.

I looked her, and noticed she was drunk. I asked her if she had any drink. She said no.
I told her I notice she smell like drunk.
She said she took a glass.
Only one? U hade more, right!?
No she said.

She stood there, lying in front of my face, one week after she promised she wanted to be with me. And would u do anything.

I was so sad, but I had made up my mind! I kicked her out!!,

I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. Called my mom ND talked until I fell asleep. And my chest was finally free. I felt like a big burden was released. All off my anxiety was gone. She took it with her. And I feel free for the first time in along time.

Its not 3 months ago. And I have slept well almost every night. I have moved to a new city. Got a new job. Bought some new furniture. I have start a new life.

I have got some relapses with this. But that. It that strange.

She have not really called me since we divorced. I have called her some times to let my heart talk. Lett her know I really do love her, but I do also love myself enough now to say no to unhealthy relationships. I tell her I hope she will be well soon. I tell her I wish her the best. And I want her to call if she feel for it.

I have called like this some times. And mostly she begins with being stiff and really in bad shape. But when we hang up she feel she want to live again. I make her strong.

I do have made a new effort for quite porn now. Im on day 10 no, no PMO.

I do feel that I want someone to cuddle with. I do talk with girls now on tinder and so. And they want to meet. For me it's not for sex or a date. I only want some new friends in life. And get some hope for that all girls not the same.

I don't feel addicted like before. And it's far from that old things I had when I was married. But to be honest. I'm feeling hurt and really sad. It's like my heart twisting.

I don't really have any friends who call me or check on me. Or who take me with them. I still need to call them and make sure to make the fun. They don't ask me how it is.

I had some old friends who called me a while ago. They understood something happend. But what they really wanted to know was why we had divorced.

Not friends I wanna keep contact with.

My new mates at work, they ask me what I do on when I'm not working. I tell them. I cry alot, and laugh. They laugh and don't really understand that I am honest.

One said that they love weekends. And I said I hate them, and laught. She didn't wonder why. She thought I was kidding.

But all weekends. I lie alone, in my bed. Looking in the sealing. Hold the phone in my hand, and try to hold my feelings away. And when I can't hold it anymore. I cry so hard that I can take a bath in my tears.

It so strange. I miss her. I love her. I want to hug her. I want to tell her I am sorry I kicked he out. I wanna say it's all my fault. I wanna say please forgive me and take me back.

And I realize. What? What am I saying? She should do that to me. Tjats what she should do from her heart. Why should I beg for her to take me back? I was the one who comforted her both times she cheated. It was me who gave her a big hug. It was me who took her out on long walks to make sure she was OK. It was me who didn't slapp her face when she told me how good the felt sex was. And how she didn't regret it at first. It was me who kept holding her in my arms with love. So she could get it off her chest and not kill her self.

And I need to ask myself. Do I really want someone like that close in my life. No way! But do I love her! O so much! I love her, not what she done. And that's why I feel so hurt. Becuse the one I wanna share my life with. I built my dreams around. She isn't well enough to consider to have as a wife. I need to let go of my best friend so I can love my self and have a good life.

I need to love my self more and let go of the one I love the most on this planet.

O man I'm now I'm crying again. I miss her soo. And I miss my dreams.

I hate her my lovely now ex wife. Who I can't let go off. Love u

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Edit_undo on December 11, 2018, 09:41:35 PM
That whole scenario sounds horribly devastating. I admire your courage to realize that this relationship is not good for you and having the strength to start over in a new city. I have not experienced anything like this so I truly can’t imagine how difficult it must be. In your previous posts you mentioned you were seeing a therapist- have you continued to meet with them throughout this ordeal? I would consider therapy a critical part of overcoming this transition. If you are too far away from your past therapist perhaps they can recommend someone in your new city. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, even if it’s just venting experiences on here.

Wishing you all the best.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 12, 2018, 01:29:51 AM
That whole scenario sounds horribly devastating. I admire your courage to realize that this relationship is not good for you and having the strength to start over in a new city. I have not experienced anything like this so I truly can’t imagine how difficult it must be. In your previous posts you mentioned you were seeing a therapist- have you continued to meet with them throughout this ordeal? I would consider therapy a critical part of overcoming this transition. If you are too far away from your past therapist perhaps they can recommend someone in your new city. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, even if it’s just venting experiences on here.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks mate!

It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life! And I s so freaking painful!

I am still talking with my therapist, for now it's once a week.

New reset of the timer after I sent this post yesterday. Aaargh.

I wish, I will, I can make it happen!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 13, 2018, 01:37:48 PM
It's interesting, I have only lived my life and I can't compare it to another life.

When u are young, u don't understand anything else. Everything you deal with is real and the only thing that is.

Now when I'm older. Many people tell me. What have u been thru in your life? It must be tough.

What do I know? I don't know anything else. But as older I get, the more I understand. The things I been thru is not that common. And it it some of the hardest things to go thru.

Its time to love myself. Becuse Noone have never done it so far.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 14, 2018, 12:27:57 PM
New reset yesterday.

More tears.

Don't know yet if I am really in this for this time.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 15, 2018, 06:03:43 AM
Reset again

Day 0
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 16, 2018, 12:53:31 PM
I hate weekends.

No one I can be with and don't feel to do anything.

Sleep, PMO, repeat.

I'm Lonley
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 20, 2018, 02:13:19 AM
Cry little baby cry

Day 2. No PMO

I'm on right place
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on December 24, 2018, 06:52:48 AM
Day 2

Yesterday I drove total 2.5 hours to my ex and leave her a box of thing that was hers.

She was at work. And I didn't know how she was doing, and I didn't want to mess my own feelings now. So just put it at her car as she wanted. And I sent her a text where the box was. And I told her I didn't feel like meeting her.

As I thought. She didnt replay to that.

I'm not emotional for that. And that's a big achievement for me.

I do belive thou that it's sad she have so difficulty to talk with me. That's why I didn't want to meet. I didn't know where she was emotionally, and I wasn't strong enough to say no if I saw her sad and down. What if he was going to cry? Would I be able to not comfort her.

I also know that this box of hers, she was not responsible enough to pic it up her self. And I didn't want it in my house.

I though about do throw it in the trash. But that would o my make it possible to backfire in the future.

So I felt the best thing would be doing like this.

I was not able to do in another way. And I was forced to play her game to make this switch.

But now, I don't have anything more with her. I think. So I can move on.

Keep my life prioritiy and focus on my goals.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 01, 2019, 07:19:59 AM
It's hard this time.

Day zero again. And been day zero for one week now. I hate holidays. All alone and nothing to do. And feeling lonely. Noone to talk to. And missing my ex. Well not really missing her. Missing a partner.

Well I have noticed it's do things I have to fight now. One is my pmo and one is my co dependency to ex wife.

I have known it before. But before I was with her every day. And had to fight it with her. And kept down the spiral everyday even if I wanted do different, my wife wanted me to help her. And I felt sorry for her.

So I have decided to fight one addiction and then do the other. It's hard enough to deal with one. I want so badly call my ex and let her come and cuddle with me. No more. Just want someone to hug. Want to tell her I'm sorry. And that I want her back.

I always realize. Thats her job to do. She cheated. She leaved me. She have not talked with me. It's she who should say sorry for not fighting for us. And start to be honest.

I have not talked to her for a long time now. I hope it's getting easier.

I'm looking forward to 2019. Will have my revange!

Hey I did a good thing yesterday thou. Tjat om really proud of.

A new female friend from work sent me a happy new year pic and talked with me. I felt it was something else going on here. But I couldn't stop talking with her. We are colluges. We talked about life and anxiety. And I did understand that she also is codependent, from childhood, and sort of addicted to relationships like I am.

I was on guard and did my best to avoid her invites. She have recently broke up with her bf. Who I am also sort of working with stil after the breakup.

She then sent me a pic of her in her underwear and told me she was feeling like she wanted to "cuddle".

It was not what I had waited for and was a bit confused and chocked. How should I do now? She didn't want me for sex, she was lonely, she didn't really understood that. I couldn't tell her. I didn't want to embarrass her. And I didnt want to do anything that made her ex jealous and angry at me.

So I did what a man got to do. I told her I still loved my wife and couldn't go that path with her. And I told her I feel like it will be strange to work together if we do this.

She did understand, she said. (time will tell)

I was pmo later, but it was still a victory, I said no when I deep inside knew it was the best!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 19, 2019, 09:59:07 AM

This is so interesting and fun!

Friends I had for some time when I was married. Now flirt with me. I have to girls who texted me and by themselves started to flirt and told me they was feeling horny.

Its sooo strange. Don't really know how to react to that. It's cool.

And guess what? I'm going for a date tonight.

And I have this war in my head. Shall I have sex with her?
Somewhere I feel it's not good for my relationship with God. One thing is I want it so badly. Not the sex itself. But I really really would like to have someone to hold in my arms. And I want to cuddle.

I want to be honest with this girl. And I can feel she likes me too. It was sparkles when we met first time.

Would like to sleep at her place and only cuddle. But don't know if we could let it be that. And don't know how much I Wanna tell her about my past.

Well that's one happy thing

Second one is that my ex called some week ago. And she said she was sorry, she really understood what a idiot she had been for a long time. And she understood that it must-have been difficult for me to be with her. She admitted for the first time she was not ready for a long serious relationship. She should have told me and be more upfront from the beginning.

And now to the third thing.

No PMO for 14 days!!!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 20, 2019, 06:02:05 AM
Day 15

Wooow it's unreal!

Cinema and some coffee and sodas, and 6 hours long date.
It was really strange, unbelievable, we was close. And she mirrored my body language. She was beautiful, we had fun. Laughed and even touched eacher.

I my guts told me to kiss her. But I didn't. I don't want to rush, and I do not know what to do. Lol.

I want it to go slow. I don't want to rush anything. But man, this really helps me to focus and feel like life is worth living. I'm free.

I want to start to gym and want to move to my own place.
I want to start a new life.

To be honest. I want a life, start from zero. Stop my church activies. And my business. Everything.
I want to reborn again!

And I would like to make the pace of my own. It's only making me sad to go to church. Becuse there is only people smiling and acting like we are friends. But Noone really wanna spend time with me.

There is so much "doing right" instead of "living right"

But if I leave. It feels like I leaving God too. And I don't want that. I need to make a decision for this. And go all in!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 20, 2019, 12:36:02 PM
Just saw that my diary have over 21 000 views. Thats sick!

Would be Nice to hear from dome of you
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 22, 2019, 02:07:35 AM
Day 17

My libido is really low. But I am craving hugs, touches, closeness. Just wanna cuddle with someone.

I was on date last Saturday, we obvious liked each other. She allowed me to hold her and be tight. We had a great time.

I don't know what to do.

I belive in God, and I want to please him. He is really clear in the Bible what he say about sex with someone you are not married with.

Also he say that a relationship should be built on respect and love for each other.

And I am trying to understand this like a wise grown up parant telling his son or daughter what will be the best for him/her.

My conclusion is that I need to wait for marriage to lay. But also I don't want it to be like my therapist told me last time.
"I belive marry for sex is wrong, and that's easy it will be like that with those strict rules from many churches."

We talked about its better to be responsible, act like an adult.  Be respectful.

And as more I think about that, my opinion does change. And I keep asking myself.

What is it the Bible really wanna tell us about sex. Not that sex is wrong. But if you don't act responsible, you will probably get problems.

As more as I dig in to it, God's word tells me that sex can be like a god. And when you use your life to get pleasure, that's when you serve pleasure, before God. When we seek out things, when we have additctions for something. That's what God mean, I think, we should stay away from.

Like drinking. Jesus made wine. But Paul told us to not be a drinker. There must be some balance there.

Paul also talked about being married in the lord. To have a partner who share the same interest in the same God. So it don't will get an issue between the partners.

So with all this. I ask my self. Am I really grown up and an adult if I choose to go on date with girls, and of i choose to go to bed with one of them. Is that really respectful? Is that love? Or is that pleasureseeking?

Even if we both seek pleasure, and don't care about a serious relationship right now. Is it still an act of love and respect?

My guts tells me. Don't do it. Stop right now.
And my broken heart yelling. Please hug me, please hug me.

How can I sooth the pain of my heart without PMO or sex?

I need to figure this out before I make any mistake I regret and give it all up.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on January 22, 2019, 05:17:53 AM
Plenty of other things to get dopamine from. Remember that your brain is only addicted to dopamine. Your mind and your thoughts says domamine=PMO or other ways of getting O.

I belive that it's important for your healing that you avoid casual sex. You want love, not sex. Love takes time to build.

So find other sources of dopamine  ;)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 26, 2019, 11:30:10 AM
Plenty of other things to get dopamine from. Remember that your brain is only addicted to dopamine. Your mind and your thoughts says domamine=PMO or other ways of getting O.

I belive that it's important for your healing that you avoid casual sex. You want love, not sex. Love takes time to build.

So find other sources of dopamine  ;)

Well if I'm addicted to dopamine. All sources of dopamine will have an impact on my addiction.

I need love. That's true. I think I will talk to here about it. Being honest. I like it where I am, but I  want to build a relationship and I have time. I don't need to rush anything.

It seams like she is the same kind of girl.

Now it's day 21.

Home and sick today. Fever.
But getting better already.

I just finished a 40 minutes long guided meditation. Half through I was crying and I felt how the pain was lifting off my chest. Now I feel relaxed and motivated to do some cleaning.

I also have looked at my budget for this year and decided to stay where I live now. And get on track. It good to live here, I can't do much things and spend.

Within 6 months I will be able to be free from debt and start to save money. And when I'm debtfree. I probably also don't need my therapist more. And can save even more money to make my dreams come true.

After the divorce, my dreams start to light up again. I feel like I can make it. And want to make it.

And I also understand now why I stopped dream before. Becuse everytime I did do some too with my ex. She wasn't present. She was alway afraid. And it ended up that I didn't want her with me. She always ruined the atmosphere by acting like a scared little girl who alway needed to be taken care of. She never loose up and enjoyed the time together.

Her goal was not to enjoy, bit to make me enjoy, so I would like to take her with me mor times. In other words. She wanted to be likeable.

Now when I met this ned girl. I can really see us doing stuff and enjoy it together in the future.

One old friend I haven't talked to for over 5 years texted me yesterday. She had found out I was single. She told me to get some tinder dates and enjoy some ons. She was open and was a bit flirty.

Intresting how you can feel alone and Lonley, no one wants you, when u are in a relationship. And now when I'm single. Girls I never noticed before come up and try to flirt with me and want to go on a date.

Its like they been attracted for some time and now finally see their chance.

I feel it's a bit desperate. And it's not how I want it. I married for love once. I thought. And it didn't work. So I will not rush anything this time.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 04, 2019, 04:07:14 PM
Day 30!!!!


No PMO for one month! I'm happy
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on February 05, 2019, 03:04:50 AM
That's really great mobilefreak. We're by your side!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Edit_undo on February 05, 2019, 09:09:42 AM
Hey mobilfreak, sounds like some good healing and self discovery going on for you. I’m happy for you and congrats on 1 month clean!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 11, 2019, 05:27:58 PM
Day 36

Its good, im calm. Focused.

I met my ex this weekend, and I choose to take a Coffee with her. My idea.

We talked. Mostly she did. I eased her heart and encouruged her to keep up The work.

I felt that i didnt had any emotions for her as a, wife or gf anymore. And I had NO grudges at all.
I saw how burden she was, and I could finaly distance to it and let hef know she is loved, i forgivven her, im a friend.

I told her i want ger to know, that i want het to lusten to me. Not as in calling me every Day and ask for advise. But to have my voice in here head

You are worthy a Great life, enjoy it!

She cried of relife and felt that i confirmed her feelings. She starts to unferstand for real that she list a Great guy and husband.

I am looking forward, Will kerp focus on my life. My dreams.

One step a time!

Tomorrow Its Day 37

Ladt time i did this i had cravings around Day 3, 10 and 45.

So i am pre paring for some obdtacles. Get ny guard up.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 14, 2019, 12:52:00 PM
Day 39

I feeling unbalanced today. I'm a bot sad becuse my mom shut me out :(

I was at a big conference about personal development and how to make dreams and goals in life. I texted her in the weekend and said it was amazing and that she really really need to come with me next time.

Her only reply. "I hear you having a good time."

She didn't answer. I felt so Lonley. That I made something wrong.

I could not sleep for two nights.

Until I understood I was angry and sad. I didn't know how Iwould tellw her.

Two days later she invited med to a gathering. The invetation was as following.

I have invited some people from the church to the bathhouse. I you wanna come you are welcome. Maybe your friends wanna come too?

The friends she was talking about was the girl and her family I been talking about here before.

This was not a real invetstion that my mom wanted me to be there. I was one of the last ones she was inviting. And she suggested that I should bring people there.

I ask her what she was doing?
She didn't answer my question. She invites me to test if I wanna see her and if I am angry at her. And she want me to invite people she don't wanna call herself. And she know I don't wanna meet them. Becuse I told her one week ago.

She said she was sorry and that she told me before she don't wanna be att the conference.

I told her I'm sad becuse she don't understand what I am asking about. And sad that she don't wanna know either.

She said had a new excuse about she don't have energy and can't go only to not make me sad.

Once again I told her that I am sad she don't wanna communicate. Or willing to understand.

She didn't answer.

Now she is sending comments on Instagram like she is trying to show that she is sorry.

I have been talking with my therapist about it before and the conclusion is that my mom don't wanna be responsible for her own acts and she is not growing up.

My therapist told me I'm doing good. I stay in the feeling and are not afraid to confront the emotions and deal with them. And my mom she u understand she can't go around this issues like she done before.

I respect my self enough now, that I don't let people disrespect me.

I show clearly where my line is and she is not allowed to cross it!

The thing is. That if I was on a vacation and I texted her and said it was amazing, and said I wanted her to be with me next time. She would felt loved and hally becuse I wanted to stay with her for a time. It was a honest invitation, I wanted her at my side and enjoy life together.

That why it made me so sad that she did ignore my invitation and started to play games.  She put her emotions on me like what I am doing is wrong.

But when I was telling her how I felt it was lifted off my shoulders. I gave it back to her.

But she won't hold it herself. So she try to give it away again.

Its the same game my ex played. That's why I so easyliy play with them and end up beating on my self.

I quit that and will not allow it. Therefor she need to carry her own burdens. And I need to stay away from here so I can heal!

But it's hard. She is my mom. And I have already closed the door to my dad.

I feel like I will be really really lonely if I push this all the way. But I need to do it. For my own best.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 15, 2019, 01:47:40 AM
Day 0

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on February 15, 2019, 09:46:00 AM
I understand that you feel sorry about how your mother manipulates you. But you will not give up. One relapse only. Think about how far you have come. You are starting to stand up against your mom's misbehavior and I'm proud of you! She will respect you eventually. And you will manage to set the borders for your relationship.

All the best mobilefreak! You really are brave. Remember that!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 16, 2019, 03:06:00 PM
I understand that you feel sorry about how your mother manipulates you. But you will not give up. One relapse only. Think about how far you have come. You are starting to stand up against your mom's misbehavior and I'm proud of you! She will respect you eventually. And you will manage to set the borders for your relationship.

All the best mobilefreak! You really are brave. Remember that!

Thanks matr. Thats what i needed to hear.

I told my therapist about this site. And that sometimes people replay like this. And remind me about its love i need. Thank you! Really
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 16, 2019, 03:27:52 PM
Day 2

Yesterday my mom texted and kept manipulate me. I stood firm and did not move an inch. Aftet a while she said she Will think about everything and Come back. She have not yet. :(

I showed my therapist what inwrote. He told me it was clear and respectful. I did good.

A big burden was lifted and I enjoyed The Day. Took some wine and listened to some good music and chatted in some chatrooms.

Ended up wihh a RP with someone. It was really pushy and I felt uncofortable. Was surreal and pushed in a direction i didnt want to. But i am to Nice so i kept going for the sake of the RP. Dont wanna make other people sad.

I dont know why i take such a big responsibility for other people feelings.

That RP made me feel sad and anxious. So all Day i have been sleepikg. Wanting to erase it and I feel like trash again.

NO pmo. Thats good. But i feel real bad.

On top of that, my ex texted me this morning, i understood it was red alert, she have only contaacted me once before. She asked me toncallnher becuse she needed to talk. So i didn all her.

Dont know where to begin. She have been raped and she have NO one she trust and can talk to. And she dont know what to do abkut it. The guy texted her and manipulate her to dont say anything. She is suicidal again. The guy is married.

She propobly got raped. But she allowed it to happen. Thats her problem. She feel sad and so bad. When someone flirt with her she feel noticed. She dont want sex but The guy build it up and trick her. And she say no at fist. Byt later she is afraid and to kind. So she let them do it. Like she dont own her own life.

She had pushed this guy away, told him no, but ha had grabed her arm and said stop it. She was afarid.
And now he is textning her every Day to dont say anything.

I dont feel sorry for her. I dont feel like she is doing this to me. Im not devestaded or feel betrayed. I really feel sad that she have that kind of life and have so much difficulties to make it good.

She is brave and I think its going to be good in The end.

And I dont wanna rescure her. But again. I am afraid she will commit suicide :( and I do really care and love her. Its so sad we cabt stay together becuse hear mental health.

I feel i need to leave it all, leave mom, dad and wife. Like its the only way to get peace in my mind and soul.

But how could i do that? Its so Hard, it feel selfish.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on February 16, 2019, 06:28:55 PM
Caring for yourself is not selfish. Who are you gonna help if you don't help yourself. Put on your ow oxygen mask first.
And remember: Some people are black holes. They suck out all your energy. Avoid them.

And don't try to help a person who really don't want any help. Try to roll the stones already in motion, not the ones with moss on.

(Hope you understand and that I'm not to figurative. Talking to you now was therapy for myself)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 17, 2019, 05:38:12 AM
Caring for yourself is not selfish. Who are you gonna help if you don't help yourself. Put on your ow oxygen mask first.
And remember: Some people are black holes. They suck out all your energy. Avoid them.

And don't try to help a person who really don't want any help. Try to roll the stones already in motion, not the ones with moss on.

(Hope you understand and that I'm not to figurative. Talking to you now was therapy for myself)

You are right. And it's make me sad that my closest family is black holes. Those people who should be like fresh water in the desert. A comfy bed when u are exhausted. And so on. Thlse people are not helping me at all and acts like I'm doing wrong.

My mom have not called me back yet. It's 45 hours now.

It feels like I want to leave then behind. But you know, I'm sitting all week alone in my apartment. Feel anxious and lonely. Even if my mom is a black hole. She is still my mom.
And my dad is a black hole too. But still he is my dad.

And it's so fu**** hurt so much inside. I feel worthless. My own parants don't wanna be with me and share the happy moments in my life.

My dad don't want me to belive I. God and don't see that I am happy with it. He don't encourage me to do the things who make me happy or wanna hear about it. Nor want he be proud over it.

My mom is the opposite, she only encourages me for the things who is made in the belive of God. When I talk about my work, she is worried that I wanna pursue a life in earnings. And if I talk about my own company she shuts me out. She clearly show that I'm am doing wrong and she shame me for doing things I like. And she excuse herself for being sick when I invites her to be together with me on travel in life.

But she isn't sick when she invite 3 kids from church to stay at her place. And she calls them her kids. Not is she sick when she travel with her dad a weekend to shop abroad. Nor is she sick when she have a party in he bathhouse together with her friends.

Deep inside I feel I have not take care of my wife like I should have done. She was more or less raped. She said no and she did some things that show that she didn't really want it. And on the other hand when she was over the edge, she was like. Alright, it's Okey, I don't want you to be sad.

Everytime she told me about these times it been the same.

"I did something terrible"
"I did something wrong"
"I have cheated"

She have put the guilt on her schoulders and talked like she was responsible for it all. So it's have been difficult to see whats her responsibility and what's not.

And I need to be honest here. I do feel that i would have done different. I would have told her right away. You was not cheating, u was raped, and it's going to be Okey. I will be here for you.

I still wanna say that and take her in my arms and leave everything behind. That's what I really want deepn inside.

But I hear a voice saying. No, you can't trust her, you don't know what really happend, and you can't let you be manipulated to take care of you.

There is girls out there who never been in a situation like my ex have been at least three times. Becuse they would not allow themselves to be in that kind of situations.

So it's not an excuse for here that she can't say no propp, and that she is no nice. She do t respect herself and therefore she will not eepme or our relationship.

But maaan what I miss the good days with her. Where the fear was gone and we lived for the day. Without letting other people disturb us. We did what we wanted to do. We had put plans. And we did as we wanted to.

I know tjat i need to put on the oxygen mask on myself first. But it feels so uncomfortable, I am not used to it.

And that's not that strange. Becuse my mom and dad have never showed med how important my life and choices is. They have only gave me rules to stick to so I don't do "wrong".

No I see, that what they say is wrong, isn't really wrong. Its only different from what they would do or want.

It like they try to force me to live there dream life instead of encouraging me to live my life.

I wanna cry out my anger and I want to hug someone until I fall asleep on there schoulders. I wanna feel safe. Trust.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 17, 2019, 08:08:27 AM
Day 2 still

I had this heavy pressure over my chest today. Did try a 40 min meditation to get it off my chest. It didn't helped. I had some plans for today. I did feel this pressure hold me back. I couldn't make it. I'd did the last of the laundry. I charges my battery to my camera. Had plans to take it with me to the zoo.

But something holds me back. I did know I wouldn't enjoy it if I did go. But I put in the battery and checked the pictures on the memory card.

And I saw pic, was a year ago. From one of our trips. I remember that weekend. I fell into tears. It was a beautiful pic of my ex. She was smiling. So happy. It was honest.

I remember that trip, it was a gift for hee after we had some difficulties. Or better to say. She had, and she didn't feel good or that she was loved or worthy.

I took her out after work and we sat in the car talking all night. Just talk n talk n talk. I listen to her and she came to an aha moment and was crying, she felt warmth in her heart I remembered she told me. It was like a fresh water start to flood a dry dessert. It made her feel good. And I asked her.

What do you wanna do for yourself to show yourself you are worthy. Say something you wanna do.

I know she was thinking and finally said. I wanna go to London!

And I said. Let's do it!

So we booked 3 days and planed. It was so nice. I miss her by my side. I really do.

I'm crying again. I miss her so terribly.

When I logged in on here. I saw some posts from others.saying they are addicted.

I thought about it, and I realized. I am not addicted anymore.
I do not seek PMO very often anymore. And I don't even urge for it. It's not that I do it thee times a day like years ago. And I don't do it at work and like that anymore like I have done for many many many years ago.

It made me somehow hopeful and happy. Because I am going in the right direction. And it's getting better and better.
I hope my ex can make it thru her times now. I really really really hope she can manage to take care of herself and enjoy life. That's the only chance for us to be together again. And if she do commit suicide. I don't know what to do. If she does. I will never see her again. I'm not ready for that.

Why is love this hard? Why do I really care?
I don't feel this is fear for loneliness. I feel empethy, I feel that I care, my heart wanna hug her and tell her she is wonderful and deserve a good life. I wanna give her that.

Its hurts so much.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 18, 2019, 03:42:37 PM
Day 3!

Ita good.

Woow whay I cried yesterday. It was worth it so I could have a good night sleep.

I working for having a whole weekend without feelings of loneliness.

Right now I hate weekends. All weekend I use the time to deal with anxiety, low self esteem and let my feelings out. So I can start fresh for work.

My ex called again today.

She have really put herself in a difficult situation. And she is really weak. It's clear that she been raped. But her highest concern is not how she will deal with that. It how he would feel if she tell the police.

And I sitting here, looking, and se how lost she is in hear soul. And I just wanna shake her till she wake up from her cloudy eyes. She can't see clear.

And she start to call me, becuse she feel safe with me. I give her rest and love.

I told her the truth. We talked yesterday, and she was doing good. But she choosed to kept contact with the guy and listen to him. She choosed to feel bad today, so she could call me. I told her that is what she always have done and I am not going for that again. I told her she know what she needs to do. And now she can choose to do that or do like she always does. Now is she chance for change. She can't let someone else do the work. It will hurt, it will be tough. But it will be worth it. I belive in you and you are beautiful. He didn't let you down, it was you who didn't showed up for yourself. Now you have a new chance to take care for yourself. Don't care what other say. Do what yiur guts tells you to do. That will heal you!

Wooow, in my most humble way. What a guy I am. What she been put me thru in life. And this is what I do. I pick up the phone and comfort her. I give her love and compassion. I give her strength.

I have told her, that I am afraid of showing her love like that, because she will use that to hit her self. Like she screwed everything up and loose the best guy on earth.

She have said things like that before. And I understand more and more why I was depressed. Becuse I could be myself. I couldnt even be loving and helpful. Becuse she would use that to make hersself feel unworthy. So if I did tell her I loved her. She would say she was not worthy. And if I didn't tell her. She felt unworthy.

I'm happy for my own health that we are not together anymore. But I do really miss the good days when we was dancing around with joy.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 19, 2019, 02:43:17 AM
Day 4

A little unbalanced today.

Mom have not yet called me.

And I feel vulnerable. Like I am about to cry.

Have an appointment with therapist today. That will be good I hope
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on February 27, 2019, 01:48:27 PM
Day 1 again.


I dont feel so bad about it. And it's not a big deal. That what I feel now. I am not addicted like before. And it's big difference now. I'm single and I don't get any o.

I'm stil human. I can't cut out some emotions.
What I have been fighting is doing it instead of taking care of myself.

To realize that if I'm sad. I need to cry. If I feel lonely, I need to call a friend. If I'm depressed, I need to workout. If I feel worthless, I need to do something for myself.

Its when I do some else then what I feel that makes all the difference and makes life hard.

My mom have stil not called me back, and it makes me sad. She keep on manipulate thru Instagram and facebook.

She know it's a conflict, but she comments hearts on my pics. But she can't lift her phone to call. Like she have promised.

I don't wanna call her and tell her I'm sad. Becuse she already know. And I need to let her be a grown up herself and take care of her own feelings. On the other hand she keeps hurting me when she acts on Instagram like we are good. But can't hang out irl.

I hate fake ppl. And its hurt me alot to have a mom and dad who is fake.

I wanna cry now
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 04, 2019, 11:52:40 AM
Day 0 again

I'm really sad, I'm about to cry every step I take.
Mom still manipulate and don't wanna answer my questions, cut me off and ghost me.

I feel so Lonley
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Georgos on March 04, 2019, 12:14:58 PM
There are two forms of manipulation, manipulation for self-defence and manipulation for gain. You cannot decide for someone what they should do, you can only every give them choices. Those choices can be hard, or near impossible for them to respond to freely, so in that sense you can have a sense of control, but it is an illusion both on their part and yours. Ultimately both you and the other person have complete free will to choose whichever path you wish to take. In reference to your mom, if she is manipulating out of self-defence then try to understand how you are hurting her, if she is manipulating for gain then all you can do is ignore her or give her what she wants. I really hope it works out with you. Make the choice to travel the path without PMO from now on. You can do it.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 05, 2019, 05:16:07 PM
Day 2

I busted out in tears yesterday and realized I wanted something I can't get from my mom. It's so sad.

I talked to my therapist today about the situation. And we came to the conclusion that I need to ignore mom.

She try to gain influence over me and tell me what to do. And she manipulate me to belive I hurt her. And Turn everything around. She makes herself a victim.

Look forward and be clear. That's the goal.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 09, 2019, 01:22:48 AM
It was day 4 yesterday, and I was looking at a movie and some hot scenes showed up. Well it was not P. And I wasnt feeling depressed and that. But enden up with MO anyways.

Didn't feel worthless, but I was honest with me and reseted the timer.

So day zero again but this time with better  self esteem.

Mom said last week she needed to sleep and stopped texting to me. Probably she still sleeps because I have not heard anything from her yet.

I probably need to do like I did with wifey, cut all communications and focus on the future. 5 month later she called me and said she was sorry for real. She understood what she had done and the cut off helped her she said.

I need to forgive and go on with life in the same way with mom and dad. Doesn't mean I want them close in my life becuse I forgive them. It means that I realese the anger and relax. It means I take care of myself before I take care off others.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 09, 2019, 11:13:36 AM
I'm sooooo drunk right now.

I'm just wanna leave this planet and be loved. Wooooow it's spinning so hard.

I feel so sad. I want a hug and someone to comfort me. I feel lonely and  need a hug
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 12, 2019, 02:14:21 AM
Day 0

Made it for three days. This weekend have been by the worst for a long time.

Drunk, crying and just wanted to die.
I texted a friend. Who sent a text to my ex who sent a text to my mom.

She came over with a guy from church and did take a walk with her dog.

The guy have had worked as a firefighter so he knew what he needed to do. He cared. And we exchanged numbers.

Mom called me one day after and said she was sorry for not being truthful to me and shutting me out. She could understand why I felt like that.

I met my friends yesterday, and he did a handshake and moved on. That was what he managed to do. I didn't get sad for that. He did what he could do.

I read some books yesterday about strokes and how people need them to survive, and how we have hunger for strokes. And we need to be touched to b alive.

That's also why I easily end up with PMO.
And that also makes sense, becuse if I stand up against my urge to PMO it ends up falling apart and break to the floor and my hands slowly slowly stroke the surface of something that makes my fingertips feel touched. And it's makes me calm.

I have noticed it many times. And I have wondered about why every time it happens.

No I'm sure about this.

Also, I see why I don't allow myself to get touched.
1. I was sexual abused and being touched is uncomfortable
2. I'm did not get enough gentle, friendly and loving hugs and touches when I was in school. I had no friends I felt close with and assumed I was not good enough for being touched.
3. In teens, my beliefs made me think touching was bad and sexual. And I need to control myself and my feelings.

Why do want to quit PMO. One is to make number 3 right. And be a good Christian believer.

It makes it harder.

I'm worthy a good life and iam loved. Decpite my actions.

I can change actions and behaviors. They don't define me.
This truths makes me stronger.

I also understand what I need to get more of in life. And that's friendly cuddles.

I see now why I cuddled with that girl I talked about in the beginning. I understand why I wanted to meet girls on tinder.
I also understand why I was so sad this weekend. One part was mom issue. The second was that I met this girl in tinder. And I felt we had much in common and I felt I wanted to cuddle and make out. So I told her I felt i wanted more. And she said she didn't felt the same and was to emotional shut off. She didn't want to meet again.

After some thought about I I realized I didn't want kissing and making out. I told her I was wrong and just felt alone becuse of mom.ibsaid I was sorry.

She understood but wasn't comfortable to meet again, becuse it would feel like she couldn't be herself.
Beside that, she had 2 other guys who opened up to her and wanted more recently.

When she said that I understood why she been so afraid and stiff sometimes. She was afraid it would happen again. And she is like me. She need friendly cuddles but don't want a love relationship with someone right now.

Many new perspectives on life.

I also see I do PMO for thee different causes. sad and need distraction
2. I hunger for strokes / touch
3. I feel horny

And number 1 and 2 happens like 99 times of 100.

Number 3 is manageable
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on March 14, 2019, 04:35:14 PM
Don't give up!  :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on March 24, 2019, 01:38:25 PM
Stil Going for max 3 days.

I think it becuse I don't really fighting it right now. And I don't really care so much about it neither. I dont blame myself so much and frankly, I forget about it pretty fast at go on with my life.

I still plan to make it PMO free for life. But I will keep focus on other things more. Becuse when I PMO I really need something else.

Like this weekend. It's the first for really long that I have not cried or felt sad.

I have bought a new car. And have done things this weekend. I took care of my self. Made plans for the future and set up a new schedule. I'm happy and feel it's getting better.

I called my ex wife today. I know she have had a difficult time, so I just called her to let her know she is cared for.
She was happy I called and she talked for over an hour.

She told me she have been with two others guys. And she feel so bad. She let them use her and she feels like trash.

I feel sorry for her. Really. Must be so hurtful to be her right now. I hope se will manage to get life together.

I love her, I do. But I don't like what she do to her self and those around her.

She asked my with tears. Why do you love me after all I have done to you. I replied. I love you, have always and will always do. I love you becuse you are you. I don't like some of the thing you done to me. And I will not tolerate it in the future. Thats have nothing to do with my love for you. My love for you is and will always be.

She said she can't understand how I can love her. And I just said. I understand that you don't understand. My love for you has nothing to do with what you do. I love you as you are.

Shr cried of relief.

Its so sad, that people don't love themselves. And not been taught by their parents how to do that. It so sad and hurting to see those you love, beat themselves and make their own life miserable. I just want to hug them and care for them. My heart gets broken when I think about it.

I'm happy I am on my way to love my self. And doing this journey.

Even if it's long way to go. I still come this far! It's amazing!

The goal is set and I can I will make it!

Tomorrow it's day 1
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on April 05, 2019, 01:51:31 PM
It's interesting.

Been a great week and a couple of weeks. I'm heading of for a great life.

Still PMO sure.but so much more in contoll in life. And I know I will make it.

Thee days and I reminded myself I didn't even PMO. Forgot about it completely. I smiled and felt a good caring feeling inside me.

Was going to bed and had difficulty to fall asleep. Ended up with PMO. And I thought, what happened?

Suddenly I realized I had been lurking online to Se pics of my old friend. And when I saw her I got sad.

When I got the connection, I felt relief and could sleep but couldn't sleep good.

To work this morning I pened down my emotions and tried to figure out what trigged me.

And I asked my self. Why did I look up that old friend. Doesn't make sense.

What did happen before that?

And I found it. I was happy and enjoyed life, and I shared a great track with my mom. And she took long time to answer. And when she finally did answer, she asked if it was good. And that she will listen tomorrow.

And I realized I felt like she didn't care about me. And don't want me in her life.

Exactly what I had figured out with my therapist some weeks ago. The days back in my childhood when I went to school sad. I now know why. And that's becuse I was genuinely happy the day before. And when I was spreading the news at home and wanted to tell mom about it. She didn't notice me or confirmed my feelings. So I felt like she didn't saw me.

To make her care for me, I did go to school and ended up in a fight. Crying my way home and there she could hold me in her arms and tell the world how the people did bad things to me. And she got her attention and felt loved becuse I seeked her comfort.

The exact same thing happend a month ago when I felt so sad and she didn't want to tell she was sorry.

I was genuinely happy and enjoyed life. And I told her I wanted her to be with me and share this good time I had, together. I have already told how that happend.

And now. I was genuinely happy agin and she did the same again.

When I understood this. It made sense and clear. And the burden lifted of my shoulder and helped me stay in this good feeling.

Its sad that I need to stay away from my own mom and dad to have a healthy life. But if that's what I need to do, I will do it.

So why did I end up PMO? Like I did when I was young. I was happy but when I told my mom, she did not see me, so I felt worthless and did things, that made me feel it was true, and same time make her see me.

And that what happend this time too. I did something I don't want to do, a bad thing, and if mom would see me doing it, she would react. And any reaction is better then no at all.

This is what is happening inside me. Deep down. Unconsciously.

All this made me remember what a therapist told me when I was arrested when I was 17. "don't worry, it's not your fault, you did this to be seen"

I didn't understand what he mean more than it's deeper stuff to it. And I should not blame myself for it.

And now I see it clearer than ever!

What I do miss, is a relationship with my parants. To be noticed and cared for. I never got that and still looking for validation.

I need to stop this and start to enjoy life. And get stronger to withstand moms manipulation.

Day 1 again. Will make it this time!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: imaquitter on April 10, 2019, 04:32:55 PM
Don't give up my friend :)
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 12, 2019, 08:38:18 AM
It's really different this time.

Somehow I don't really care about it. Before, when I was married. I had someone else to live for. And it made me fight. I had a dream I wanted to achieve with her.

Now, when single, I don't really feel that PMO is bad, and make me a bad person or so. And I feel tjat i dont really want to stop it right now.

It doesn't make any big part i my life. Don't think about it, it's just the minutes before I go to sleep, I PMO. No guilt about it. I just relax. Forget about it and go on with life!

I think it's a kind of good think. I'm a step ahead. Becuse I have got rid of the anxiety, guilt part I have read about that when you are religious, u you feel bad and it hinders you to recover. It makes you feel dumb, and worthless and in a downward spiral.

What I have been focusing on last month is to stay happy. And keep bad relationships away. So I have put my mom on hold. And I feel great. She doesn't understand, so she push herself into my life. And I keep telling her she can't to that. Shshe keep saying I'm making her sad whnn I tell her the truth. I keep telling her that it's not my problem tjat she is feelings sad when I tell her she did me wrong. I will not ask for forgiveness because I express my feelings and tell her she have step over me.

She did not say she was sorry and took the role of the victim again. Haven't talked to her for a week. And today we were invited to the same dinner. When I heard she was invited to, I got a stone in my stomach. And today I woke up with anxiety. The friends called me and texted me, wondering where I were. I texted back and told the truth.

I told him I was sorry for not telling him the truth. And it was not anything against them. I told him I don't want to meet my mom becuse she is not good for me and she will not accept that or change anything. And I don't want to play any games and act like everything is good when it's not. I said I would like to meet them another day.

He said he understood and it was alright!
It was a relief, and I was happy I managed to tell him the truth. I was scared and had anxiety. Becuse I am mad at my mom and she don't want to deal with it.

When that was clear in my head. I saw it was the same behavior with my ex. She did the same games and I was not allowed to speak up and tell the truth. Its not good between us. And she, instead of dealing with the real thing, acted more to do the right things. Dishes, kisses me, and so on. But she never opened up.

All this with mom, mad eme of course feel a bit sad. I didn't fel it really. It didn't make me lowly, or depressed. I didn't even thought about it really. Only when I saw her like my pics o  on Instagram. That's how she been communicating with me. A like.

So what happend with me? What did all this made me do? Of course PMO. Not in any way like I forced me to it. But I can somehow now after se some sort of link and connecttuon to it.

But also, I have talked/flirted with some girls in a dating app. I am good lookin, and I'm not a jerk online nor to girls. So have over 60 matches now and talking to many of them. And I had a second date yesterday. She invited me for some Netflix and chill. We took a glas of wine and beer first.

And I know I maybe shouldn't do this, but I also felt I needed tto. Some feelings in me wanted to explore and learn more about these emotions. In a grown up sense of a way.

She have been single for some months, and we both felt the same. We wanted some closiness and just cuddle. She was open and communicated freely.

It was a strange feeling. We talked about it we felt the same. We wanted to cuddle. But was afraid of making the other one sad. Don't want to promise anything, don't want to build up a deep relationship and so on.

I told her it's really confusing inside. What do I want. Is it cuddle, sex, intimicy, and can I get this without hurting any one.

I told her, if she wanted to lay her head on my chest it was OK. And took her hand. And said it was Allright.

She nooded, was quite, and after a minute, she moved and layed on my chest.

We talked about how it felt and so one. Really really open communication. Like we was on a adventure together, and tried to figure things out.

We both agreed we liked it but felt like we did something wrong. She had been in a five year long relationship, and somehow she was still into him. But she said he had moved on, and she felt that she could do that too, she didn't felt she was hurting him anymore. But still, be with one person for many years, makes it feel like it's a big NO NO to cuddle someone else.

It took some time, we both was scared, stiff, difficult to relax, but we kept cuddle. And talking about what we wanted and howe felt about things. And agreed on that we don't need to think so much. And we don't need to be afraid of hurting each other if we choose to only have this moment.

Soon we got more relaxed and her cat made some noises, we looked at the cat, and when she turned her had back to me, she was like 2 cm from my lips. I stayed there for a like a life time. And she waited, and finnaly made the decision. She opened her lips and we started to make out.

It ended up in the bed and with some big smiles I leaved her apartment some hours later.

What did I learn.  Sooo much.

1. I'm not bad, people like me for who I am.
2. It brake my spell, that I thought I w as doing wrong. I didn't got any bad rep. She didn't say I was doing wrong etc. I felt like the big deal I have had inside me somehow vanished.
3. It's possible to enjoy life, be responsible, and have fun with oother people as long as both are Okey with it.

So many good things.

I also fully understand now that my old friend I been cuddling with when I was married. She was acting like this girl I hooked up with. Now I rellly really see it clearly that she wanted me. And I also see now why mu old friend is acting like she do now. She don't want to take responsibility for her own acts. She say "I feel bad for what you did to me"
That is like this girl's I met yesterday would have been mad at me becuse she wanted to have sex becuse we cuddled. A and this made me even more sure and will stand firm even more in that question in the future.

And to the big final of wisdom from this experience.
It was clear that I suffer from PIED now. It didn't not make me feel ashemd, and it didn't matter to her neither. I made her O, she was happy. She said noone have made her O that fast and she did it multiple times. She even said. "Wooow, why are you so good at this" lol.

So all this made me confident, it also made me feel that sex is not that important, it made me feel that I truly have left my ex in the past, and have moved on with life. And I made me really really do care about my PMO. Next time I'm with a girl, I want to feel it, I want to have a better experience for my self. So this made me really get into more serious business abut my life and goals. Becuse I don't want to miss out a good time becuse it's only semi hard and is not useful. Lol.

I'm this case. It was no shame and she didn't care. We had talked but P and laughed abut how we use it after break ups and so on. And I could tell her when it happen, I'm sorry I don't have control over it, and this happen becaed of to much PMO last couple of months.

It took some time and it woke up later
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 13, 2019, 03:46:30 PM
I see that my post did leave out a lot. Did I wrote to long?

Doesn't matter.

Today it's a new day and I'm happy!

Now when I was going to bed I felt like I wanted to PMO. Just a little bit. And I realized. No I don't want to. It's just my body who remember what it usually does before bedtime.

So now I'm going for a sleep and wake up tomorrow.

I feel energized now. Some new decisions in lif and I will keep this now. Keep going forward.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on May 13, 2019, 11:15:38 PM
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 14, 2019, 12:51:22 AM
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!

Wooooow, you don't understand what those words mean to me I really appreciate it alot and felt that clap on my shoulder.

Two hours? I thought I would read it one time, but I have not managed too, it's to emotional for me still. But I'm so happy to hear that it inspired you and made you get some connections within yourself!

Together we will get this!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 15, 2019, 02:51:48 PM
On day number 5 now.

Thats like amazing.

Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.

Today I read a cool article. About how to know if a girl find you attractive. And one of 20 signs was that she get into your energy. Mostly positive. But also, it the article said it can be negative energy too. Like.

When a girl text you and call you names, say she is over you and are so happy without you...
The article said. If that's true, the girl would not bother to take energy and time to text that.

And when I read that it made even more clearer. And I got further away from the victim position. The girl who hurt me so much before and leaved me. And have been ignoring me and so on. When she started to play games again, I quit to answer her, and she sent me an email for like a month ago. Tell me she felt sad, and that was becuse of what I have done to her. And more or less blamed me for what she felt...
When I got that, I was paralyzed, crying, couldn't sleep. And so on.

When I read the article. About a girl will try to get you attention. And will use the negative energy if she not get the attention. I felt how it was a turnpoint inside

Not that I want her in my life, or wanna pursue her. No way! I don't want drama queens in my life. It only lifted of some feelings of feeling like a victim. And I also saw the red thread. That she have always tried to get my attention, and she got it, every time, when I was hunting her silent treatment, to work hard to be friends again. To have her close. That was what she wanted. She felt she got attention when I did anything to be with her. And now when she don't get that anymore. And I have not moved a inch to win her over. She probably feel frustrated. I'm not playing with her anymore.

Yesterday I talked to my therapist together with a small group. During the session, it was my time to talk about how my last week's have been. And when I was telling about a situation with my mom, the therapist interrupted me, and said something, and talked in a way that he knew what was going on, and that I have missed something important.

I got mad, and as usual, when I get mad, I swallow in and don't realize I'm angry. After he interrupted, he kept going. I was quite all session. And 5 min before it was going to end he turned to me a said they will take some time for me. And asked how I felt.

I had during the session, felt a tension in my legs, and that's the first sign I notice, I have dammed up anger in my body. So I analyzed where, when, what and why it started. I figured out it was during the session and when the therapist interrupted me, and acted like he Schould save me or help me with the issue.


This is the nice part. When I said I was angry, he again had assumptions. They was not accurate. So I told him. No you are wrong. And told him how it was, how I managed to get thru it and that I got mad during the session. And my problem is that I don't allow my self to let it out when I feel it.

He said he was sorry, and did wrong. And he thanked me for letting him know.

I walked away with a smile.

And I have made up a decision today. I will pause my spiritual journey. I feel like I need to make this side trip. Not so much to enjoy life and do bad things. It's more about letting my inner child play, have fun and do some wrong things, and I can let it out, and I can tell him. It's Okey, I trust you. And when the inner child within me will fell like he did something wrong, regret, and humble himself, I can hug him and give him all the love he need.

I will give him all that love and respect, I didn't get as a child myself.

So I do this, so I can be the one I truly wanna be.
And when I made this decision, I felt free.

I also know why it's been hard to make this decision. It's becuse I belive i will make my mom sad and she will leave me.

The decision thou, isn't official, I have not told anyone. And I belive, if I do. It's the opposite. It will only trigger more games. And they will try to rescue me and help me make a second decision.

The decision I have made is not really to pause or leave my belief of God. It's more about get more in tune inside, so I can be more genuine and true in the future.

And I have a scripture that helps me belive its the right decision. It's Paul's words about Christians who make different decisions in some matters are both right. AS LONG AS THEY DO IT IN FAITH. And that's what I feel is my motivation. I do this to take the next step, to explore, to be better. To grown.

I'm not a rebellion, I try to figure out life, and my heart. I'm working to get rid of what's not me, and building up what good for me.

Today I also made the decision to block one more on instagram. It was both sad and a relief. It sad becuse it should not have to be like that. And good, becuse I don't need to have hers negative energy in my life.

And it was my mom. So from now, she will not be able to se my posts and I will not see hers.

Its getting better and better. I need to keep negative people from my life!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 17, 2019, 01:06:48 PM
Day number 7

Now it's weekend. Always the hardest to deal with.

Trying to figure out what I want to do.

Mostly I wanna just laugh and have fun with anyone.
Don't know who thou.

I need to be careful, and not seek out someone to just make me feel noticed. And end up "noone wants me"

I wanna get to know some new people. That's what I want.

That's also a fine line. To get out there, being spontaneous and find some alike who are open enough to meet and chat.

And I don't want to spend my weekend just looking for someone to meet.

Balance. It's Okey if I end up alone. I will have stuff to do.
I saw some saxophones on IG yesterday, and I felt I wanted to start playing again. Maybe I will do that.

Next weekend I will join a open air rave party.

At work it's fun, they have starterd a competition. And I will win it. The first price is a vip ticket to Metallica.

Not really my genre but will enjoy it anyway!
Will go with someone who win on the the other team. I don't know who. In my team it is 100% it's going to be me.
I'm been in the first place from day one and keep adding upto my numbers.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on May 17, 2019, 04:22:33 PM
Hey, just wanted to comment on some things I read.

Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.
You are on day number 7 now!.. Try not to compare your day #7 with your 40-day streak or anything from the past. Those are bygones. You are here now my friend and #7 can turn into #10.. and before you know it the snowball is rolling.

I can tell we have some similarity in the loneliness part.. we really want to show ourselves and meet new people .. but have some fear of getting rejected, hurt by people. I am the same... but my conclusion is.. some people may have hurt us in the past, and that hurt can fill us up ,, so bad that we think that people in the future might hurt us just as bad. The thing is, all people are different, all situations are different.. this very moment you are reading these words.. you have never ever experienced before, a totally new moment and you would never guess i'd write yellow elephant right now, right?.. =) .. see..  its the same with new people we might meet ahead of us. We have never ever met them before, and sure enough, we can get surprised on a positive note. Hell, that person or the next could be a person that would treasure you for all that you are.

For the part with your mother. I dont know the full story, but what I do know is you are burying some feelings and rejecting your mother .. for something that maybe she fully isnt aware of. maybe she cant help it. maybe her mother or father brought her up in a way so he learned whatever behaviour you feel you are not getting. As you wrote me, compassion and love is the better way remember?.. Maybe, just maybe.. there could be a way you could forgive your mother... maybe just maybe, you could do something totally opposite of what she would expect,, maybe bring her flowers.. why? just because.. why not.. she held you in her arms and gave you life when you were a baby... she cared for you. Yea maybe some things got screwed up along the way, but she is still your mother.Maybe there was a way there to act with love and compassion. Maybe she needs the same as you do, ever thought of that?.. Who else than her son would be better to receive love from.

Sorry I did not mean to give unsolicited advice.. i often do that to people. I just wanted to invite you to think about the opposite side as well.

I really like your technique of speaking to your inner child. I have done this as well, and strange enough, that somehow works.. like, its like speaking to the subconscious and it responds.. When I do this process, usually my inner child answers with things it's afraid of.. I mentor him and tell him stuff like "can you see nothing happened, and you are ok." "did you ever think about the problem wasnt you, but it they were shy etc". stuff like that. I works wonders, well at least for me.. I need to do it more - thnx for reminding me ))

I like you have plans to keep yourself active.. maybe have a look at and find something with a low-bar. Like, attend a 1h meditation group. There is little commitment to that. and maybe you'll find someone that is into saxophones.

btw, regarding IG.. man, that shit can really trigger you. I dont know with you but images of women everywhere there. I deleted mine. Hated seeing people with "perfect" lifes and women flashing how "perfect" they are.. I felt I was missing out and made me feel more lonely and sad. If you can manage it, that is good. I couldnt so it had to go.

.... #7.. next up #10... as I have full confidence in you being able to control your emotions this weekend. I think you will be aware of you'r triggers more ,,  send it love and acknowledge that feeling are here now, but will soon go away. Invite them. Let them try to convince you to go back to old ways, but this time,, talk to the urges.. tell them with love, that they are welcome to stay here for a while, but you are releasing them. thank them for being there, they are not there to harm you.. show them compassion.

not sure if it makes sense)).. it might work,, who knows =)
have a great weekend
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 18, 2019, 11:10:44 AM
Today I get a reminder on my phone!

First 7 days goal!

It made me smile and feel confident!

I have been reading and meditating today. Also met some new girls over an app and website, maybe a date it comminhg up? :)

Also, one girl, I only have met like twice. Sent me a dm on telling me she seen my ex on IG change name and asked me if we hav separated.

It made me angry. So I answered her why she didn't ask the person who made the change wvu she did it? And why ask something like that, you don't know what hurt feelings you will rip. And I told her isn't it more important to focus on your own life, instead of what other people do or don't do.

She answer she was sorry and only wanted to show compassion.

I dont know. It just doesn't feels correct.

I replied that I was thankfully for her being nice, but I have not got genuine compassion since the divorce. And I'm fed up with all the old friends who never call or care. Who obly contact me to be curious and ask what happend. And than never hear from them again!

And i started to cry.

And now it starts again.

She said she wanted to live her life with me when we married. And she said she was sorry afree first time cheating.
And afree second time. She said she wanted to make it good this time.
She said she was sad, sorry and been an asshole.

I told her that I forgave her, I told her tjat I want to live my life with her. But I can't live a life with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I told her I need to let her go, and if she loves me, she will come back.
If she doesn't, I need to go on with my life.

After the divorce I know she been with to guys. And now she changed her namne back to what it was before married.

Its fucking painful. I let her go, and she walks away, and I have difficulties to let go of her. I want her in my arms. I just want to hold her tight.

I can't write any more. I can't see the screen beacuseuof the tears.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 19, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
Counter past 8 for two hours ago. So I'm going after day 9 now.

I feel strange inside. I feel a bit sad, alone and both in control and positive.

One part feels like  "noone wants me" but I also here a voice "I'm here, it's Okey, we do this together"

Its like I have contact with my feelings but my child is trying to do a revolt.

Been thinking about about it. And I guess what my inner child really is telling me is.

"will you do like mom did to me?"

My new inner caring parant, answer
"it's Okey, I'm here, you did the right choice, I will not leave you or betray you. I will love you and care for you what ever you feel. I will hold you in your arms"

The inner child Dont know how to respond to this calm and loving voice. It's new, and it's uncomfortable. I feel how the inner child want to open up but is till afraid.

My inner parant just hold my child in the arms. Dontb push anything.

That's the key here I guess.

My mom have always been punching me when I'm low, sad or angry. She don't want me to feel like that so she do everything she can, but not what she need to do, to make me be happy. Becuse happy is the only thing my mom can do. Not genuine happy. But smile, talk and fake it.

Like every time she make me sad. And I tell her not do do that to me. Not making me sad, but the thing that she do that don't respects my privacy. She say she is sorry, but she do t understand or feel it. So she fake it's all good. Becuse she can't allow her self to see its not good relationship with her own kids. And now she trying to sweep in under the carpet.

It maybe sounds like I'm bitter. I'm not. It's that I don't want to live a fake life.
If there is energy draining in a relationship you need to fix that. You can't spend time with someone who just do it becuse it's looks good. Right.

And that's how it is with my family and my old friend.
They are alike. They don't want to understand how they hurt me. So they do it over and over and over again.

I am not selfish for taking care of my own health first.
And it's not that I don't love my old friends. I do. But I can't have them in my space if all they do is draining my energy.

What I do work on right now. Is to make it possible to be around people who are Ike that and don't let their energy spill over on me.

Like when I visited my friend, that girl, and her family last year. She said and her parant said it was all forgetten and wanted to keep in touch.

But when I was there I felt the energy. It was strange. And like I said some days ago, that girl, she probably wanted me to take on her energy. When I didn't she tried even harder.

I have quit playing games with her. I remember how our paths crossed the morning when we were about brushing our teeth. I felt her anger when she passed me.
And I have not been talking to her or even touched he all time I was with the family.

She was angry at me for not give her attention? Or becuse of things I have done long time ago, and we have talked about, but she obviously not have let stay in the past.
I'm not bitter. But why Schould I ever want to have that kind off person in my life?

One who one tells me she wants to hang out, and one day don't even talk to me for no reason at all.

Another old friend of mine called yesterday. He wanted to meet. I don't want to meet him really. He is like the same. He don't listen. I tried my best to avoid playing his games. He didn't ask to hang out. He asked if I wanted to meet him. Like  "do you like me?"

That's the same as mom do. And that's why it makes me so angry.

Mom or grandma hugs me and say. I love you. And the energy they say it with is. "why don't you hug me, don't you love me?"

I don't hug back. Becuse I feel like a teddybear. It's not genuine.

I do get that all this is probably becuse I'm the first born in the family. Both first child of mom and dad. Only child fom dad. And I'm the first grandchild from both sides.

And mst of my family had problems. And I was only a little happy kid with alot of energy. And everyone wanted me in their lives, becuse with me they felt real again and could have some time to get relief from their own stress.

They "used me" as medication. And I guess that's why I'm so good at feeling all this energies and comfort people. That's what I have been doing all my life.

And that's make me feel strange when I do things I want myself. And now I help myself get trough my teenage years with my own loving and caring inner parant.

What I wanted when I was a teen, was a parant who did not tell on me, or acted like the things teens do, is bad and wrong.

I wanted a parant who helped me guide through the emotions and feelings I had. Someone I could open up to.

I remember a strange night about this. My mom kissed me good night. I was about 10-12 and she said. "soon you will get into a agrspan with alot of new emotions and feelings, and it's important to talk about it, and I want you to know u can talk to me about anything"

I felt happy happy at first. And it also made me think ablut what she mean. And I also felt that she was worried. I didn't understand. During the years that come. I didn't feel that I could talk to her.

I remember one time when I been looking at P in school. It was a day I went to school when it doesn't was any schoolday. I had forgot about it. I waited for the bus hole again and eneden up surfing around.. A teacher caught me. He was kind.

I guess he told my mom, she was gentle when I came home. But I remember this special effort from her.

"did you watch it for long?"

No, not really, maybe 20 min, was my answer

Her reply

"wow, that was a long time!"

And it got all stiff in the air. I felt sad, bad, and walked away. We never talked more that day.

She do the same thing today. Some weeks ago we talked abut my friend and how she now brought up the past again.
And my mom asked me how old my friend was when she was close to me.

I said 14-16.

Her only answer was again

"wow that was young"

And I felt, sad, bad, guilt, low again.

I want to change this. Not her. But my inner voice.

I want me to tell myself.

"I see and understand you felt tjat way, that's not strange at all, its Okey, how did you feel when you did what you did? That feelings you having can help you and guide you in life. Trust them!"

I'm tjat way i would have learnt that my feelings was right, but the behavior is not. And knew how to deal with it.
And I wouldn't feel guilt for having feelings.

Ober and outm time for some reading and planing for next month.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 20, 2019, 11:44:55 AM
Going for day 10 now!

No urges for PMO at all.

That's great.

Not strange, I am connecting with people outside the screen. I'm building up new relationships.

I flirt with girls and have like 5 dates with different girls.

I am doing something good. It's a bit fun. To have your phone getting texts from girls. Asking how I am doing. They invite me home to them.

Before I just would have take a step back and told myself it's wrong!

Now I tell myself. It's Okey to meet new people. And it's OK to eat dinner or lunch. I am in no obligation to do anything.

We are adults, meeting for first time and have some fun.

I am easy going thou. Good looking. I know how to talk and make girls laugh. And my fear is that they fall in love with me. That's why I always have had toned down myself.

But now, I will stop do that. I will bloom like a flower. I want to be myself. And if tjat means that other will like me or even fall for me. That's not my problem.

I will not use that for my advantage. And be mean. But I don't want to let it hinders me for having the best life ever.

Like some girls said on the app. I'm looking for the man of my life. But why wait in distress to that day, I will have fun until I meet him.

I like that sort of. We are adults and grownups. If it's ons, and nothing personal, or emotional. It's alright.

I am feeling it's a lot to learn here.

And I am doing all this being present. And if they only want ons with me. I don't bother.

This is a turnpoint. Because in the past I would have been thinking.

Did I do anything wrong. Didnt she like me. What should I change.

Now I feel, I'm good and now what I am doing. If a girl doesn't know what she is doing. It's her problem. Not mine.

No drama here. I can walk away.

This is really making me feel strong and confident. And that also makes me shine even more.

I will keep this track. And I will enjoy life. And I will keep grow.
I feel I'm happy for the first time in my life dour long. And my protection is high.

I sent a text to the girl I was with last week. Becuse I felt she have not texted me. And I don't want to have it in the air. Better to know she don't want to se me anymore. It all rlggrpfor me. Becise I know now for sure. It's not about me. I am likeable and what ever my old friend or other people say. I did not make those people sad. They did it themselves. They played the victim. And they wanted me to rescue them.

I did, and they wanted more. It was never enough. Draining my energy. It's stop with that shit now! I will not tolarate that in my life.

I need to set the boundaries and tell others about them!

Let's se how this will be!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 20, 2019, 04:51:16 PM
I'm really really happy.

I'm put having fun.

An old friend contacted med today. His girl left him some months ago. He didn't want to talk about it then. But now he opened up. And she cheated on him too. We had almost the same experience. And I could keep it in balance. I did not took the victim role. Noor did him. We felt some connection.

And I keep adding new contacts to my list. And we are friendly and so.

And I matched with a gorgeous girl last day. She didn't have her face at first. We texted and had some connection between us. And moved to another platform and she send me a pic of her after a while. I didn't even ask for it.

It feels like people are drawn to me like a magnet.

I have read about this in others journals. It happens when they keep away from PMO. And stsrt to live their lives. Adding value to life.

I met some fiends for a meeting tonight. Andibhave been reading a book. Start with why.

I have thee questions I try to figure out.
Why, how and what. I want to do with my life.

Why. I want to inspire and help people to grow and achieve their dreams.
How. Care, listen, and lead them
What. Read, get to learn people, connect, develop myself, have fun.

I all made clear when the questions got answered.

I now need to plan and set goals.

This really inspires me!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 22, 2019, 02:58:11 AM
Day 11 done going for 12

Im at work now. And I'm in tune with my feelings.. I let them be as they are. I ditt push them away.

I try to be mindful. Its like a apple. You hold it in your hand. Smell it. Look at it, trying to figure out what it is and if it's good or bad. Is it tasty. Is it good nutrition? Will it make be feel good or bad when I eat it. And so on.

I use this state and try to find other people who are open enough to talk about it and courageous enough to be in those feelings.

Talking to a girl about this. About how we feel after a breakup and how we feel we need some cuddle. Just to hold someone in the arms.

Asked her if she had any tips on how to deal with it. And her answer was perfect.

Find someone who think alike, and ask straight forward. And be honest. Say. I need a hug can I have one from you.

We talked about it and we felt the same. Don't want to get involved to much in a new relationship, but still want some cuddle.

Reminds me of a book I read about the hunger for touch.
An infant who doesn't get touched will die!

When all this was brought up I felt. Wooow, I want that. I don't want PMO. It's not really love, just some gentle touching. To hold someone in my arms. Without need to take care of or have obligations to do it.

Just share a good moment together.

The girl I talked to had the same thoughts. And all this made my brain spin and run. And I feel some relife.its Okey to have feelings. Those feelings are not wrong.

And I realize again how my mom pushed over her own feelings on me.

Keep it simple. Be nice, be true, and dare to ask for what you need.

I needed to write all this right away so I can focus

C ya
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 22, 2019, 09:19:57 AM
I like what you said about feeling your feelings compared to holding an apple in your hands as you try to figure it out. I always push away my feelings, specially if they are hurtful.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on 11 days.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 22, 2019, 11:33:02 PM
11 days, 20 hours, 50 seconds now.

Yesterday I was really tired when I arrived home. Fell asleep 8 pm.

Woke up at 5.30, and had hard time to choose. Run some km or finnish my book? Start with why.

I read the last chapter and got so inspired. And not only that, I found or reminded me of my why again. After reading the book, I remembered that this have been how I have been thinking a long time. But other people have told me and argued it's wrong.

One of the last chapters, I read, it's not the why itself that is hard to find. It's to maintain a clear focus on your why day after day, year after year.

I know my why. I want to help people grow, inspire them, I want my story to motivate others to don't give up on their dreams.

I read, when your why is clear, other will follow. They will feel that you are genuine. And if you only compete for yourself, others will join and feel the energy.

What an amazing book.

And for those who have followed my journey for three years. You can probably see how I reached for this from start, struggled to figure out why I am doing what I am doing. And how I could change my why.

It was not that clear back then, but one thing I had a clear focus on. And that was to quite PMO, not for anyone else, notto be a good guy, not to be the the first, or quickest. I wanted to do it for me, myself, to be better and stronger. For my self. So I could show people, from my acts and progress, it is possible.

When I write this, I remember how I read other journals when I was new here. I saw the progress and I could feel how they were going in the right direction. And I thought. I wanna do that! I want to have that kind of life.

I want to live according to my dreams.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 22, 2019, 11:39:50 PM
I like what you said about feeling your feelings compared to holding an apple in your hands as you try to figure it out. I always push away my feelings, specially if they are hurtful.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on 11 days.

Thanks mate!

Don't run from the emotional side of life. We have feelings for a reason. They will tell us important things about what we miss or need in our body.

Would you ignore hunger or thirst? Would ignore a stick in you thumb? Would you ignore the pain on your tongue when you burn it because of hot food?

The pain you feel inside is telling you something. Listen to it and do something that sooth it. That is how you love yourself.

If you did hit your thumb when trying to hit a nail, would you hit the thumb again, only becuse you feel worthless?
Or would you jump, scream or hold it in, and be more safe?

Keep up the good work man. We will make it
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Lero on May 23, 2019, 07:00:08 AM
I like this approach, man.  ;D I'm thinking about it.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: OrangeSpider on May 23, 2019, 08:02:04 AM
Thanks for the reply.
The hitting your thumb again because it hurts makes ALLOT of sense, hadn't thought about it that way.
I want to live according to my dreams.
This is powerful as well.
Thanks for sharing.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 24, 2019, 04:54:15 PM
Nice to hear that you like the illustrations.

I'm going for day 14 now.

Didb some things now before bed. And I thought about PMO and realized. I'm not even have any lust. I don't want too.

Feels really good
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on May 24, 2019, 05:00:38 PM
Day 14 Great achievement! Keep it up. I believe in you.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 26, 2019, 04:46:47 PM
Day 15 going for 16

So many emotions inside me this weekend. Sadness, anxiety, happiness, emptiness, horny, hurt, alone, Lonley, loved.

I have penned it down on paper. Meditated. And now I try this forum instead.

Right now I have come to the conclusion. I want to eas my chest. I want to open up.
It belive I have fund what I am missing. It's not love. It's mentorship and guidence.

The ability to have someone I can talk to who can guide me and help me with what I am feeling inside.
That's the what I want.

And I have described it before as a close friend. Someone who loves me.

You know, someone who wants to spend time with me even if they do know my history or about my anxiety. Right now.

The good part I do know what I am looking for. But who will be able to give me that?

I understand also, why I feel so sad becuse om my mom and dad. They have never ever been that kind of mentors in my life. Where I can open up and talk about my problems. I know why. Becuse the problems Im dealing with, it from the beginning there problems, and they didn't fix them, so what I am doing, scares them. What they have been running from their lives. I fight to qunqouer (spelling? lol)

How could they guide or mentor me thru something they never managed themselves. They can't. It's like if I who don't know anything about being a carpenter should be a teacher in that manner.
The result would be awful!

It has nothing to do with love for the students, it's only a matter of experience and knowledge.

What I see is that, with my ex, I should have talked to here and told her she needed to see a therpaist becuse I can't help her. I can love her, but I can't fix her!

That's what I have learned from the last years of experiences. I don't blame myself for it. But I have learned from it.

And when I do understand this, I deeply in my heart miss her, and now the tears comes again.


Why do I feel like this. It must be true love. I really do miss her and all the good times we had. And I am a true believer of everything can be good, if you you want it to. With all that clearly in my mind, I also remember, Yeay, it needs two for a relationship to last! And even if I got this and understood all this. If I talk to her and make all this clear and ask what she want to to do. She would say she would like to come back. But I can't trust her. And it will be that I would pull forward again.

Its hard to realize, that the girl you want to be with, doesn't really want to be with you. As you are. Rather she would be with you, so you could take care of her and guide her.

So that's backs my first thoughts of today. I need a mentor, a guide in my life. Someopi can trust and get good advices from. And live accordingly too.

First that get to my mind is God. Who else would be better? But I need to figure out that, becuse I really feel betrayed and there is no trust for the religions or churches. Will take time for that in the future...

Right now my thoughts are about my social anxiety from last night's party.

I wanted to go first. But something hold me back. I tried to manage what it was, but i couldn't. I felt that I had to fix these emotions first so I could be free and enjoy the night. If I didn't I would be sad and feel alone.
So I had one feelings. Scared of being alone. I also felt that I would do wrong if I went. And I felt that I would be sad and regret if I did not go. And I felt that I was not allowed /worrghuto have fun. And I felt I needed to meet people and be social. And I had a hunger for being touched.

It was just spinning and build up anxiety. Talked to a friend, who is abroad, becuse she knew I was going for a Rave, and asked me if I was excited. I was honest with her and told her about all these emotions. And she helped me remember about doing things that makes me worthy. So I made up my mind and went. I needed to hurry, last train was only 13 min away, and I have 7 min to the station by car.

I made it, was excited.

During the night I met some cool people, and one bunch of people who came for their first Rave in life. They was high, friendly, and wanted me to join them. I felt how the anxiety built up. And how I had difficulty to relax.

I wanted so bad to relax and just be me. But I was soooo afraid to not be liked. Becuse I felt Lonley already. (I think all these emotions comes from a party when I was in 6th grade, and that ended upp with tears and running home first of all, feeling so alone and lonely, nobody liked me, and I couldn't talk with mom about it, because she would not help me with my feelings. She would have talked to the teachers, and made it big, becuse she would have treated me like a victim, and she would have tried to rescue me, aka plying games)

The Rave was underground, we had some visits of the local police, they didn't do anything, but I didn't get any alcohol first. But later when I was safe. I got some drinks, and it helped me to relax. I jumped to the dancefloor and was enjoying life. Ans as usual, when I hit that point, girls dance into my circle and want to be close.

And again my anxiety holds me back. I had this girl who was all into me, we huged, danced and had fun. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't know how to do it. I was scared for not being respectful. So it ends up that I keep dancing. Of course she will get tired of me, becuse I don't show any sexual interest in her. I come off as friendly.

She dance away, and all jumping made me feel like a wanted to throw up after the drinks. I was laying on the grass, all spinning, just laughing. And thought. Wooow I'm so happy I made it here. And didn't stay home.

I got back to the dancefloor. And she was dancing with another dude. And they did make out...

Later she come back and saw me. Danced with e again. Now I didn't want her anyway, becuse she had been kissing tat other guy just 2 sec ago. But we had some fun, dancing. She went away and I had no interest in her anymore. And after a while a guy asked me if it was my girlfriend. I said no. And she she came back he danced with her and huged her and ended up kissing her. They walked away together.

At the same time I hade met some other people and talked to them, and another girl their and I was connecting fast. And we danced together also. Same thing happend there. This girl thou was not that wasted like the other girl. I made the same "mistake" and didn't took any clear step to show I was interested.

And while I was relaxing right before the end. Or of the girls from the first group joined me. She was stil high haha, but was super friendly. We talked and she was close, leg to leg.

I'm still learning things here. And like I said before. I have a hunger for touching, but iam afraid of asking for it straight forward. Becuse I end up feeling alone and worthless. Becuse that's the feeling I have frm the beginning and need to manage.

I don't know why I felt worthless... Hmm...

Yes I do!! This party, it was a girl who invited me! But she didn't end up there herself. And she didn't answer my text about it. Now I see it. I said yes first, not because I wanted to go to this party, it was because I wanted to meet that girl!
But really, I didn't want to meet her. I wanted to feel likeable. And "used her".

And when she didn't came to the party, I felt like nobody wants me...

But tjat was also the old me thinking, and I don't trust that as quickly as before. And that's why all this head and heart spinning emotions before the party.

The question should be. Do I want that girl? Not, do that girl want me?

Problem solvedu:)

Ha, and this reminds me of my decision to guide myself. I will let my inner child do things like this. To explore and feel all these emotions. And we will deal with it, will give myself the love and gupmy mom never gave me. And I will help my inner child to grow and be responsible.

Next step will be, how can I manage to come to this conclusion quicker. And how shall I do, to get some nice hugs and kissing from these girls who hit on me on the dancefloor.

Some things I learned from yesterdays anxiety was. Ask for names.

The first group invited me to their circle, one guy asked me where my group is, and I said I was alone, he said I could join them. At first we danced, but I still felt like it was me and them. And after a few minutes I realized, to brake the border, we need to introduce ourselves and get the names.

After that, I felt part of the group.

For me, I never thought it would be any difference. You get a name from someone you want to stay in touch with. And we are strangers and will not met after the party. Why get anyone's names right?

And I realized. That's wrong. I should absolutely introduce myself, get the names, and talk, get to learn them, and maybe we will stay in touch even after the party. If I do that, they would be consider to be friends. But if I even don't get the names,it will be awkward, we will feel like strangers, and it will never ever be any chance for a friendship.

Many new realizations this weekend!

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on May 30, 2019, 02:47:02 AM
Day 18, 24 min to to reach day 19!!

No PMO for 19 days. This is great.

And I am working on my social skills. And guess what. Its going pretty good!

Right now I have met 5-6 new people. Ok. All girls. But whatever. I have talked and chatted with them and they ask me for my number, or my snap or my anything else to keep in touch.

This feels really good. And I feel that if they don't wanna hang out with me. It's not my problem, it's them who is missing out.

Iam on the right track now. And I will keep this going. My goal is to make one day a time, and be present everyday. And if something happens and I feel bad. The key for success here is to just forgive yourself. And ask. Why do I want to have a good life? What do I want to do right now? And how?

Just make some small changes. Don't stop to refigure out all again.

I want to shine! I want to be honest. Genuine.
And I don't care about taking care of others anymore. It's a big burden lifting off my chest.

I have told some friends about my situation with my mom and what she did two, three weeks ago. They got mad and angry. And they said it was nice to hear that I was too and was straight forward.

They understood it was difficult for me, and I easily feel Lonley becuse I don't have any mom and dad in my life who wants to have a healthy relationship with their kid.

I saw a picture at IG from my uncle, and one from my grandmother, they where abroad. And my mom was with them. My grandparents had their anniversary.

And it hit me, to things. First. Why didn't I knew. Why wasn't I invited. Why dont they tell me?
And the second was. Well, do I know when they have their anniversary. Yes I know. And I could have bought something my self.

And I realized. Hmm. Do I want that? Do I really want to be with them? And why does it feel like I'm missing out. And I realized. My mom have not grow up yet. She still spends more time with her parants then she does with her own kids.

She have not built her own family, she still try to get my grandparents approval. Or mostly my granddads.

And with that I realized. How many times in my life have my grandfather called me? Because I didn't had a real dad, he was the grown up/adult man in my life. And what kind of a relationship did we have? He didn't guided me, he haven't been there for me. He have always been bitter. All my family is bitter. They don't wanna solve any issues. Just pretend it's good. And that's why they celebrate the anniversary together.

But me, I want to be genuine. I don't wanna be there. I am fed up with that bull****

And again got angry. I should not be sad or feel Lonley becuse they act like they do. That's how they manipulate me.

They do push me out and act like "hey we having fun, and you are invited if you behave"

I do realize now. I am behaving. I am doing good. I am a good person and I don't need to change to be a part of the family. I have not doing anything wrong. I have done something good. I have been honest and told them how I feel. And I have said I'm feel lonely, sad and alone.

Its not me, it's them!

Don't get me wrong here. I'm humble, I'm open to change, I have no problems to change and listen if someone do tell me I did them wrong! But I this case. It's not me who need to humble, it's my family.

I am humble enough to understand that sure, I have my own responsibilities, to congratulate their anniversary. And I can pick up the phone and call them. And all that.

But I have, and every time they ask how I am doing I tell them the same thing. I am doing great, but I'm sad and angry.

I'm straight forward. And calm.

They never ask why, or wanna talk about it. They ignore it. And that's the problem. The case is not solved. Not brought up in the air and forgotten.

I have, in the Mattar, that I don't burden myself with it all day long. Like with my cheating ex. I have forgive her. Not becuse she need it or I want to be her friend. Becuse I want to feel good and leave it in the past. And even if I did forgive her. I don't need to live or speak with her everyday.

Its the same with my family. I don't think about it all day long. And I can have a Good life. I don't need to talk to them and have them close in my life. Even if i would love to have that. I need to remember and realize the fact that they wanna play the games. Anf I don't wanna participate anymore.

In time I hope they understand. And til that day I keep growing.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 02, 2019, 02:53:34 AM
Day 22

Been partyin the whole weekend at a Rave festival. Sooooo amazing.

Have worked with my social anxiety. And have met, dances and got names of like 10-15 new people. I think it was a great experience.

I even asked one girl to eat with me. And she did. We had some good time eating and talking.

I feel some emotional thing here and I think I know why. I feel little sad that I did not had anyone to sleep with in my tent.

I had some girls who flirting with me and sure I could go with them. But both my anxiety put in. I didn't had the guts to ask for that and flirt.

On the other hand I realized. I didnot really want it to happen. Becuse it was like on a hunt. I was not relaxed and so.

So this made me feel alone and lonely. Only a little bit.

I wanted to go and I knew it would be this feeling. That's my anxiety and what I am working with.

I wanted to put me in this situation so I can analyze and see whow I can manage to work it through.

Soon time to pack the tent and travel back home. See ya
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 03, 2019, 12:48:26 AM
1 hour and 10 min to turn to day 24.

Whoop Whooop.

And I met a girl on the way home at the train yesterday. We talked and laughed. Ended up sleeping on each other's shoulders. It was so cozy.

I asked for he snap after got it. But she didn't add me back.

Well well. It was a good time and I learned alot.

I'm happy for this progress.

Knowing what I need and what I don't need.

I felt hunger for touch and I could make it with a stranger, just a good little cuddle and sleep together. To feel seen. It was great.

I will keep doing stuff like this and keep analyze, so that my feelings are in tough with my heart.

When I came home and I noticed she didn't add me. I first felt sad, and checked the phone like ever minute.  And I realized. I was trying to be liked again. And I asked myself. Do I want to meet someone who first say that we will meet again but take contacts.

Sure not. It's better to look for others and enjoy the time together.

C ya, time for work
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: MindOverModem on June 03, 2019, 02:00:38 AM
Good stuff, that human contact, whether it's for a few minutes with a stranger on the train or many years with a loving partner, is what it's all about. To me, that's the opposite of P, and it's what I hope to deepen in my life by giving up P one day at a time.

In the pit of P addiction, my eyes are closed to the beauty all around me, and I feel cut off from that purposeful connection. I don't want to live that way.

So happy for you. That sounds like a fun encounter.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on June 04, 2019, 05:33:43 PM
Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin :) .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 05, 2019, 09:22:26 AM
Good stuff, that human contact, whether it's for a few minutes with a stranger on the train or many years with a loving partner, is what it's all about. To me, that's the opposite of P, and it's what I hope to deepen in my life by giving up P one day at a time.

In the pit of P addiction, my eyes are closed to the beauty all around me, and I feel cut off from that purposeful connection. I don't want to live that way.

So happy for you. That sounds like a fun encounter.

I'm happy to hear that my story inspired you to get out of the addiction. I belive in you you will make it
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 05, 2019, 09:23:59 AM
Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin :) .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!

Thank you so much for those words!

I want to se it the same way one step closer to the goal.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 05, 2019, 10:18:52 AM
Today my counter reminded me.

1 month, remember to celebrate!

This have been mine weakness for many years. To give myself credit when doing good.

Today I'm sad, I'm about to cry.

Had a groupsession with my therapist yesterday. And something happen during the session. The others was talking about their partners and I just went from excitement to feeling lowly.

I didn't feel like a victim. I feel like I have missed something put. I am angry and sad at the same time. I'm so f angry for that she didn't stayed at my side.

I'm feeling sad becuse it feels like I lost 13 years. I just wanted it to work out. To be good. But there is always two in a relationship.

I also have difficulty to go to bed for a week. I feel heavy.

I also feal angry because my mom have not yet called me or managed to do anything about the situation.

I know she does dare, becuse she is afraid of me being angry.

And I am scared to show my anger becuse when I do, she do take a step back and don't talk to me.

Like how it is now.

So whatever I do, I will feel pain.
Either pain and hurt because mom will manipulate me to feel sorry for her. Or she will act like I'm like fire and she can't be close.

And here I am trying to get through to the next step.

I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.

But she want to have the relationship like this.

It was the same with my ex. She also wanted to have a toxic relationship.

I dont.i don't want it. I want healthy relationships!

But it's still pretty lonely, and I still need to make the effort to meet people.

I have some people who text me, from the dating apps I Hager. But I feel how desperate they are. How they texting me becuse they feel like I am good looking, and treating them nice and respectful. They build up a princesslike dream and and want it to be like in the movies.

I had enough of that from my ex. And I will not except that in my life anymore.

Tomorrow it's a holiday here, don't know what to do.
Any suggestions!?

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on June 05, 2019, 01:41:02 PM
Any suggestions!?
Do something nice for you'r mom, even if there are so many mixed feelings and everything and probably the hardest thing to do right now.
Just the act of giving flowers and a card saying that you love her. nothing more.

My belief is you will receive what you give... if you are suffering, it may attract more suffering from others (in other way, shape and forms - such as victim role as you mention).
Whereas, if you give what you want to receive ("I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.") > you want better communication with your mom .. its better to start with a small step, a kind gesture. Only love and compassion will open a closed up heart.  just my suggestion but naturally I don't know what is going on other than what you write. I just wish for the both of you, a more compassionate relationship. 

If I may also suggest a video, something has helped me in the past in regards easing these kind of feelings ; "".
Enjoy the holiday! > ps. 1 month is freakin awesome!!
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 06, 2019, 01:10:26 PM
Day 26 today. Only 4 days to 1 month milestone.

And I have been filled up with anger and sadness whole day.

Been eating all day. Snacks, food, soda, chocolate, chips, more snacks. I'm trying to comfort myself with food.

When something need to come out, I stuff things in my month, so I don't need to face my emotions.

Took the car for a drive and started to cry and scream out loud. I'm so freaking mad at all those people I trusted, who told me they would be there for me. How they promised me things. But when I really need them. They dont show up.

I just want to punch them I. The face so they wake up and say they are sorry for betrayed me. They don't want to be friends. They dont dare to face the truth. All they say is. "I'm only want to help you" and in that way they say "don't you appreciate my help?" and they turn all around so that I will feel sorry for them. All they did was trying to help and I'm not even thankful!

Well that's the problem. They did not try to help me. The only thing that motivated them was their own ego, and they wanted someone to act on their effort so they could feel less ashamed.

Becuse that's why they do that. They have done things wrong, and instead of dealing with it, they try to play games and act like all is good. Becuse you help a friend right, so now I'm help you, and you are my friend.

I'm done with that BS. For real. I dont want hypocrite people in my life any more. Doesn't care if it's my mom or someone else.

I gave told my mom several times I do love her, and I have given her alot of things to prove that. The thing is, it's not my work to make her feel good. It's hers job to do.

If I give her a card or flowers. I will say that I did wrong when I told her what I felt. And I did nothing wrong telling her she steped over the line.

This is not about forgiveness from my side. It about being clear and loud about where my line is and not let anyone step over it. If I take the step to speak with mom, she will step over again. And again and again. We will play "hey we are good right!?"

We are not good, becuse the real issue Gabe not been aired, becuse she don't dare to face it. She rather live with no contact with her son than dealing with her own issues.

She know it's her problems. I have told her, and she have confirmed it is. Just like dad did.

So here I am waiting for them to step up and do what parants should do. And the same time, don't feel sad becuse they will never do.

I have talked through everything with my therapist, and this is the only way. Just as I did with my ex wife. I need to stop taking care of them. They need to start to take care of themselves.

I have also told the group I'm in about how my life is. And one of the other members is a mom and she gets angry every time I tell them about how my parants treats me.

And it really helps. I feel like the anger is helping me keep my boundaries. But I really have difficulty to show it.

Another thing.

Its summer here now. And only 1 month to wedding day. I'm really missing the gfod times with ex. The times when everything was good between us. And I miss out sharing the good times in life with anyone. Just to feel happy together woth anyone. To be able to share gppd news with someone and they genuinely get happy for me.

I'm really missing that. Doesn't need to be a girlfriend.
I wish it could be dad or mom. But how could they? They never been before. My mom let her own fears hold her back.

She doesn't seams to care of i am really. She only wants me to be happy with the things that makes her happy.

I don't know what to do. Im just trying to figure it out. I just need a friend to talk to. I need a hug.

And now the tears come again.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 08, 2019, 08:13:18 AM
Day 28 going for 29

Today I'm laying in bed. I feel Lonley.

I feel that I have emotions inside of me and I watch movies to try to avoid handle with them.

But what I really want is someone to hold in my arms here in bed.

I do feel that I miss the good times with my ex and that I want it back. And I realize, what do I want from her. She cheated on me.

And then I realize again. That's what love is. To love someone beyond there flaws. And that's what I really do for her. And I feel sad becuse it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.

I should be angry,

All this I realize I have more to grive, and to work with within.

I just want a friend to hang out with and be there for me.

That's what I'm most sad about today.

Like the girl sent the email to me. She Said that's what friends are for.

I miss that kind of friend. And I try to run from this sadness and grief.

I need to stop running. I need to deal with it.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 09, 2019, 04:50:22 PM
10 hours to 30 days.

Today i feeel terrible lonley. Again.

I tried to remeber why someone feel like this. And i have read for a long time ago, you feel lonley, when you dont have anyone to talk to about what you feel.

When i did remember that definition, i felt, yes, thats it. I feel sad and angry. For what dad, mom, ex wife and People done to me and I feel lonley becuse when i talked about it. People did not show empathy, they did tell me to understand them. They did explain that they did teäe best and that i should love more.

They turned everything around. Like it was my fault that my dad call me an idiot and whos goal was to Change me. Or thats my fault that my mom let her fears guide her in life and dont want to genuin with her own sons. And worst of all, it was my fault that my ex cheated on le first time. Becuse i did t how her enough love. And the second time was my fault becuse i didnt cared for my families spiritulity, so my ex was not strong enough, and that was my fault?

And now when i do realize all this, and said stop, they all leave, like its my fault Again, and like its me who took a sgep away and dont love them enough. So they play The victim, and they like waitin for me to Come and rescure them like I always did before.

Im sick and tired of this. Sick and tired off them doing this. And sick and tired of feel this pain insode.

Ibread an article today in The News papper. About lonleyness.

Lonleiness i like smoking 15 cigaretts per Day. And Lonleiness is like pain, its in The same place of the brain. And what we need is comfort.

It all makes sense. Thats why PMO is so difficult to get rid off. The opposite to PMO is not being free from PMO. The opposite is connection and love.

And right now, i just want to cudfle with someone.

This Will be a Hard tssk to reach for Day 30 with all this feelings insode.i dont feel any urge for PMO thou, i just feel i need to get rid of the pain. I want to eat or drink.

What i really want is my mom to truly ask for forgivness, to realize what she done.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 11, 2019, 12:49:49 AM
Day 30, soon 31.

Life isn't fair. At all.

I had hard time falling asleep yesterday, I was stiff, and worried.

I guy at work is after me. Talked about it with my therapist some weeks ago. And he said. Stay away from that guy, he is showing true characteristics for being a psychopath. He acting like a maffia boss, and it doesn't matter what you do, he will always attack you.

Yesterday I got an email from him. He said I had ruined a costumer becuse I made a bad deal with them and if he did the deal it would have been better. He sent the email to the companies head boss.

I managed to let it go and worked as usual. When I was going to sleep Ive got an email, and it was from the boss. I couldn't sleep if I didnt open it. And I knew I would not be able to sleep if I did open it.

So I read it and for a short realif the boss actually told my colleague to stop picking on me and it's not Okey to use that kind of words internally to each other. And he also took the issue on his shoulders, becuse it the boss who gave my boss the orders to hand out the comsturs to me. And some of them was this collouges costumers.

The boss ended the Emil telling that he will visit the hq today and will hear me out what happend.

My anxiety went to the roof and I am afraid of not being belived. And that I will start to be bullied like in school.

I know, from what I have read, that if some do like my collouges did, they are feeling bad for something, and they want to find someone to pick on. They look for people who are happy and having a good life. Because they want to push them down  so themselves can feel like others are bad too.

Instead of working on themselves to grown, they try to push others down.

And this behavior am I truly familiar with and easily caught up with. That's exactly how my dad have done towards me since I was a little child.

I was turning around in bed and tried to fall asleep and asure myself that it's nothing to be worried about. E mail clearly said the boss took it on him, and we look into how to not make the same mistakes again.

But of course, it's not strange I feel like I do, becuse I remember how it was when I was a child. Nothing I did made my dad happy. And I always got yelled at. I tried to better, tried to work it out. But the best thing was to end the relationship, becuse it only tired me out.

I felt empty, and I did not feel like I wanted to PMO, but I did feel that I really need to sleep. It was only three hours left for the alarm to make the noise.

So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

And I think this experience was sort of good. Becuse I start to loose interest in P for real. And I'm going thru a low libido. 

Sure it didn't felt any good or was nothing else then just relief from muscle tension. It did work.

Now I'm heading to my job, have some nice meetings with costumers today, will have a talk with my bosses. And I will end the day with a meeting with my therapist. So what ever happen, I will be saved by the bell in the end.

I already know now that I need to tell that I understand that my dad is a psychopath too.

Need to give myself something in reward for 30 days.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on June 11, 2019, 03:28:28 AM
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!

Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 11, 2019, 10:53:41 AM
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!

Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.

Thanks mate.

Well I didn't feel anything like I needed to fight against PMO. I just killed timed and come across it with some searches.

Did a search for chat, who lead to some results involving adults chat. It was just a couple of minutes.

To explain more I details. Sometimes you feel like you want candy. And u can't stop thinking about how good that suger would feel and you just fight against it. And only one bite in that situation would end in eating the whole bag.

This time it was more like, the candy is there, and you walked passed it, you had nothing to do, and without any thought just tasted it, and it tastes awful, didn't give you anything. And you spit it out. In disgust.

It was more like number two.

And what did I learnt from that. Well I learned I have come really far, I don't want PMO anymore, I don't really like it. And I did not give me what I want. Not even the M gave me anything more than being able to relax and fall a sleep.

What I also know is that if I judge myself to hard, it will end up me going down in the spiral and meet a new bump and would make it one more time to the PMO hunt.

Its a inner work and progress. And why you do it is more important then what you do.

I don't of it really was good what I did, but I don't judge myself and feel like it's the worst thing ever or like I betrayed myself. I felt that I took care of my sleep and being able to wake up with new energy so I could leave that bihind and start a new day. If I didn't manage to sleep at all, I would have taken yesterdays problems with me to today. And that will make more problems in my life then one time PMO will.

The war is not against PMO. The war is about if you love yourself enough and take care of you. In the right way.

Do you comfort yourself when down or do you beat yourself?

Let say you do PMO. Use the same question. How would beeping harsh and beat yourself help you feel better about it?

Its not about telling yourself it's good for you. It about being there for yourself when you need it. Mercy and love.

BTW. The big boss told me today that he told my colleague it was bad what he done. It did not fell any shadow at me at all. I knew that but it was good to hear it. A new experience in life. Someone did see thru the bullshit and did send it back where it came from.

He told he that he told my colleague to apologize for his behavior. I know it will not come. And I don't care about it. It tell more about him than me.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 14, 2019, 03:13:50 AM
So day 2

What happend?

Short story, because I need to go soon,and I have already penned it down on paper.

For one month I been bitter, I have controlled myself, I have been where I was as a child. Walls up, and did not let anyone or anything inside. I have had heard a silent voice inside me crying for help. Far away and I don't wanted to take it to my heart. Because I sort of know what I need to do. And that's is hurting me.

When the walls a up, and I do like this, I just kill time. Have been filling my days up with activities, and been so tired I just had no energy to PMO.

Sleep been bad for this month.

I took a deep breath and started to deal with this bitterness and heal from it. I did, find it, and I released it and I felt joy and happiness again. It felt good.

But as I was there, I felt I did not was valuable enough to have a good life. I mean, if my mom and dad don't even talk to me or want to be my friend, it must be something really wrong with me. And I felt something inside me made me start to make life bad. So I ended up with PMO just so I could feel bad again. And sure be that bad person my parants act like I am.

And this is the hard difficult pain and hurt feelings I need to deal with.

I need to tell my mom that I love her. And at the same time tell her I can't be with her. I know she will be sad, I know she will feel hurt. But that's what I need to do. That is what I am running from. I don't want to be with her becuse she is hurting me over and over again.

Just like dad and ex wife did. And I need to put this to an end once for all.

I thought and hoped I didn't need to do this, that I just could stop seeing her until I felt better. But as usual, I need to take the first step. And that is what I am so mad about. I always need to be the grown up, I always needed to say sorry, even if it wasn't me. Becuse I am the oldest. I should know better, I am the good boy. Etc.

That's was what killed my marriage, she did never took any steps to solve any problems. She waited for me to make the necessary steps and plan to solve it. Why? So she didn't need to be responsible.

My ex-friend did that too, when I did make the steps to talk to her and solve everything, she felt loved and it was all good.

They do this so I can help them feel good about themselves.

That's my rescue mission in life. My script.

I have told my mom this years ago, she took it and listened to me. But she didn't really understood how, what and why. She just act like she did before but when she realize she is on the game. She shut me out becuse she thinks she need to do that. So she do the same thing but know she recognize when she is in the situation, and she don't know how to come away from it.

That's when I tell her. I'm sad becuse she don't want to do what needed to come away from that pit.

So need to accept it what it is. She will be in that pit, she want to stay there. And I need to love her for that.

Don't love her for her, but for me. To not be bitter.

And the same is with my cheating ex wife. I need to accept what is, and let her live her life. I can't be bitter becuse she did what she did. I need to love her as a she is, and let go. Noth for her, but for me. So I can feel good and happy. And don't need to walk with this pain inside of me.

So the next step is, how should I tell my mom?
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 18, 2019, 03:36:24 PM
Day 1 done. And 15 hours.

I need to tell you something I did this weekend. I attended a new seminar about self development, and during the weekend several entrepreneurs asked questions about if you are where you want to be in you life. And what behaviors you wanna change. Don't focus on the results, focus on the behaviors.

Some did show videos from their lives and it made me vulnerable. I felt I missed the love they had to each other. They did what they did for their families. And that mad eme feel I missed something in my childhood. That calm and safe atmosphere, a family I could play and have fun with. To enjoy life with.

It never been like that and I felt sad. Also I felt, I want to have that life. I want to make it. I got motivated.

Also some week ago I did some homework for the group therapy and I realized that my mentor, they one I looked up to, when u was a kid, was my grandfather. And I also felt alot of appreciation for what granddad and grandmother did for me. I felt safe, at their house and that's why I wanted to be at their place in the summers. I didn't feel safe and calm at home, with mom. As I did with them.

I started to cry when I understood all this, and I felt that I really wanted to tell them how I felt. So after the seminar, I drove directly to their place and told them this. And said thank you.

My granddad is really bad at being genuine with his feelings and often look the TV instead of talk and get to about things. He ask the commin things. About the car, job and all that. When I did get his attention, when he did go to the kitchen to get a sandwich, I stopped him and said I had a goal to visit them that day. And I told him that he is the superman I been looking up to and I thanked him for what he have done. And I did give him a big hug.

He is really really bad at emotions, he didn't know what to do. He felt loved and it was long time he got that I guess. Genuine real love. I started to cry like a baby when I hold him, and I couldn't stop, I couldn't let go. It was so intense. It was like my little boy inside said. Don't leave me.

He couldn't hug back like that, and he laughed and said that I was strangle him and he needed to breath. He had so much difficulty to take in all that love, that he tried to "push" me away without using his arms.

He couldn't say anything, he said he needed to go to sleep. He locked him inside again.

My feelings and emotions that I had approved myself to show, did start to stiff up again and I felt how he did let go of me emotionally.

I did se that, he didn't do that, becuse he don't love me. I did see that he did that becuse he have not done the work I have done the past years with my emotions. And I saw that he did what he believed he could do for me as I kid. Even if I know they all could do more if they wanted to learn and deal with their fears and problems.

I did leave, with mixed feelings. One that I was so happy for being truthful, and showing my emotions in a family where emotions is not allowed. And I felt sad. Becuse I saw how they hold it in. And I was sad that he couldn't let go too and cry in my arms. I felt that he wanted, I felt he needed, but his fears didn't allowed him to do it. And he took a step back.

But hey, I can't be mad. It's probably long time ago he felt like that. Or maybe even the first time? What shall I expect? Nothing. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I wanted to say what I felt.

I also noticed and got more evidence, where my low self esteem come from. When I Thanked him. And was honest with him. That he been a good granddad. He did joke about I was unlucky to have him, and it wasn't anything to thank for. And he tried to avoid the feelings of being good. He had hard difficulty to take it to his heart.

Maybe I gave him something new to think about. Or he felt some new emotions and he didn't know what to do. I did sort of same thing with my brother for some years ago. And he said he never felt that love before. He did cry out in my chest and he just got it all out. It made his life switch.

I told my grandma about how I felt about mom, she had really difficulty to talk about it. I told her I have a plan and I tried to explain. She used the same excuses about they have not read so much as I have about emotions. And she said that probably mom and I a miss communicating.

I said. It's not about that. And explained it like this.

Imagine you offer me a cup of the, I say yes and you give me it in a blue cup. But I want it in a red one.
Instead of giving me the in a red cup, you start to cry about not being thankful enough to say yes to the offer, and that you have give up so much for be able to give me the, and keep going about hos sad it is about you becuse I want it in a different cup. And every time I say. It's. It about how much I love you, and it's not about I'mot thankfull. The red one cup is mine, and someone gave it to me, and its a big cup, makes me feel cozy, the blue is small and I don't like that. and the red makes me enjoy this time with you more!
But you keep nagging about it and every time I visit you keep giving me the blue cup.

Grandma laughed and said. If it was me, I would stop drinking the at that place.

I don't know if she realized what she really said. Becuse that's exactly the same thing I have done. I have stopped talking to my mom exactly like grandma would have stopped drinking the the. So she don't need to bother and feel sad every time. It's a way to be friends...

Now I felt heavy. I feel sad, becuse it is was it is. And I don't want it like this. And I am forced to live like this. Becuse just like my ex wanted it like this. And never did anything about it, my mom is the same.

I don't want to change them, and I don't want them to change me.

I remember one time my ex made me angry and sad, I told her and she did not say sorry. She did like my mom do now. And I asked my ex. Do you want it like this? Yes she said.

I knew she didn't, but she did not wanted to solve it neither. So I played with her for one week. Didn't say a word to her and was short in my sentences, I was clear to show that the conflict will not end becuse we just play happy. And I have no problems to live your life to prove that it's not a good way to live a life.

It took 6 days for my ex to finally say. "I don't want it like this"
I replied, yes you do. You did made this conflict from nothing, I wanted to sort it out, but you did go to sleep and played tired. I asked you the day after if you want to live like this, and you said yes..

She had difficulty to take all that to heart to. We sorted things out for a time and she started all over again a week later.

Exactly the same behavior as my mom. And that's probably why I had so much patience and so easy toke the role of the rescueer. That's how I always lived my life. Until now.

Now it's time for bed.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 22, 2019, 03:38:52 PM
This summer will be really tough!

Everyone going for vacation. They do things together with family, and they spend time with the ones they love. They make memories together.

And here I am. Broken, alone and loliness up to my throat taking my breath away.

I took a trip to a nearby lake, been here for 3 hours now. Meditated. Got some calmness inside. Healing.

Felt some things, needed to write a bit. And it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

The music playing is, I need you, by Armin van buren. And I just cried so loud.

Not that I am missing my ex. But I miss what she took away from me/us
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on June 23, 2019, 03:44:47 PM
I feel like I'm going crazy.

I sort my feelings out and one hour later I'm fucked up acdain. I drift away, sleep and try to run away. Finally I cry and let it all out. Make the things I need to do feel good and one hour later I'm down again.

I feel like I'm insane right now. And I feel a big pain inside. I try to avoid it, but I can't. The pain is hurt feelings.

People who gave hurt me and from who I hold back my anger. I don't want to make them sad. But I feel inside me how it's like a volcano. It will soon explode. And I will go nuts.

That's why I end up with PMO. I try to calm myself. Get rod of the tensions.

I texted my therapist about it. And he said I'm really really close to a break through.

There is like 4 people I protect when I do like this.

I protect my mom, becuse she will be sad when I bring up the truth, that what she do to me makes me sad and angry, and she doesn't respects me.

I protect my ex. Becuse I don't want he to feel to bad and commit suicide.

I protect dad, becuse I deep inside don't want him to leave, that's why I put him on hold.

And I protect my ex-friend, becuse I'm afraid she will not be loved and liked by her friends when they know how false she can be.

I let them have good lives, so I can carry their burdens.

And I need to lift that off my chest and give it to the rightful owner.

Ex wife need to know it's she who need to ask for my forgiveness, and it she who shall run after me and try to fix things. Right now she act like I'm the bad one and don't want to talk, text, meet or interact in social media.

It makes me sad, becuse I somehow wished and hoped for her trying to come back for me. I need to realize the truth. It will never ever happen and it's over and why do I want her back? The only reason I do find is I love her. Her as a person, not what she did to me or qall that. I just love her. Period. I do truly love her, and I wish it was different.

As for mom. I need to speak up and tell her it hurts me how she neglect her children and try to run away. I have blocked her instagram, but I peeked today. I saw a pic she took at an amusement park. On the pic and int the comments she talked about "her kids like that and that roller-coaster".

The kids is her neighbors kids, from the same church. It not her kids, but she call them "her kids". While she have to sons who is her blood and flesh truly her kids, and she have not talked to me for two months after I made clear she stepped on my toes.

She behave live a child.
And if I do confront her now, she will say the same thing as my dad did. "you said u got angry, so I thought you needed to be alone".

They don't want to understand or listen. I was angry becuse mom did walked over me, she didn't ask for permission, she did come home to me even if I didn't told her it was OK. And she did push her inside by manipulating me. And now she is trying the same if I call her. She will turn it around as its her who is sad because I didn't want to see her that that.

The thing is. I do wanna se her, and I do love her. But she need to respect me and she can't walk into my house whenever she wants just because she is my mom.

She need to understand that a no is not a not to her its a not for not being beat day or working that day. And it doesn't matter that she said sorry last time, if she do not understand what she is sorry about.

I have learned, as an adult. It three steps.
Admitt your faults.
Change behavior.
Ask for how to make it better.

My mom only say she is sorry so she don't need to deal with the conflict. I have learned there is only one way to get thru a manupulater like this. It's to get back to the problem and keep talking about the main issue. For this, my mom need to realize what she do wrong and stop doing it. And if she is not ready to do that. She need to say that and also know she do take a step away from me. Like with my ex, my mom should run after me and sort it out. It's her family, and she is responsible for how she deal with it. It's not me who shall run after her to show the world what a great family we are. Becuse we are not.

My dad is the same issue with. He can be how bitter he ever want. If he don't respect my choices and stop trying to change me, he can go fuck himself.

And for my ex friend. I need to tell her it was her fault to and she need to stop play the victim and try to make it look like I'm the devil and hurt her. She need to face her own fears and act responsible for what she did. She wanted to be close to me and she knew she did things wrong, but she liked and amd wanted it. She can't held me responsible for her own feelings. And she need to say she is sorry for that. And start to behave around me like an adult and behave the same way towards me whenever we met.
Right now she ignore me when we are together in larges groups. At her place she one day sit at the table and chit chat, another day she is angry at me, one day she text me she wanna hang out, another that I make her feel bad. She need to quit playing games with me. We are done and I will not play with her anymore. And she will not like that. Becuse she like it when I give her attention, she feels special.

I feel like all this need to be aired, somehow. Mom will be first. I need to confront her. Just go to her place and wait until she come home. So she don't get time to stress about it. And just let her know and be firm. The key is to be firm in my feelings whatever she do. Becuse she will turn it around. She have done every time before. She don't want to have the truth. She want to live in a bubble. I will let her know that of she want that she will choose also to not have me around.

My ex, I feel like I need to talk go visit her the same way. In more mild ways. I really do want to hug her and say I miss her. And I deepn inside wish it could be us again. I wanna tell her I will always love her and sure I could have made things different. And I do want to tell her he r I do want her to know I want her to feel good. And that's why I have difficulty to let go. I am attached to her. That's true. And I have hard to detach. I feel like I want to talk to her straight forward and make it end for real. To ask her, what she really want, does she wants me or nor? I want closure, and need to stop hope and wish for her comming back. I really need that. Also here. I need to be firm, and not let her fool me again. Like I did first time. And listen to her cry for help. When she unconscious said, please don't leave me I need you to help/rescue me. I need to finnish it once for all. I did love her, that's why I stayed. And that's why I read all the books and did go to therapy, so u could understand what to do and really show love from my heart. Becuse that was what she asked for. And I did that for her. But she cheated on me anyway. So it was not me.

For my friend. That's a tough one. She have talked to some in the the church, and I feel like they back her up, so if I talk to her they will tell me to stay away. She have put me in that position, what ever I do, I will enter the drama and her play. And she have a big Arsenal with people who play with her and convinced they do protect her. But to be honest, she do that only becuse she is afraid of me. Becuse she know I know some of her secrets. Or should I say. She thinks a do and she is not ready to talk about them. Instead she try to make others feel bad, becuse if other people is bad, she is not as bad. That's how she feels and act.

All these relationships boiling down to my emotions and that I need to keep my bubble true. That I'm worthless and am no worthy a good life. That's why I PMO so I can feel that low and scum as these people try to make it look like.

My wife tried to make it look like she had to cheat, becuse I didn't show her enough love and took care of her.

My mom try to make it look like I'm a bad son who don't care for his mother, and being evil who don't let his mom be a part of his life. It's all my fault.

My friend, she try to make it look like everything is my fault and she was just innocent and I took that to advantage. She did nothing wrong.

My dad try to make it look like it my fault we don't have contact, becuse I'm a believer and he is not. And becuse I'm dumb and don't know better, it's wrong for believer to have a life with non-believer. So its all my fault he trying to change me. Hey if I was a non-believer, he would not need to change me, and therfore we would have better relationship.

Well it's not strange I feel sad when I do realize these things..

Add on top of that. All the other people I know, who don't know about this and just act like everything is good and try to convince me these people love and I should not overreact so much. And they try to help me.

Well, it's not about love. It's about respect. People I want close in my life need to respect me and my values. Period. If they don't want that. It's bye bye. Has nothing with love to do. It's pure health.

New day tomorrow, and a new chapter for 90 days free form PMO. Let's see what's comes first. Me talking to all of them or the 90 days.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on August 04, 2019, 04:36:34 AM
done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.

dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.

and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.


but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.

so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.

and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.

i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.

i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life


Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Lero on August 04, 2019, 06:04:44 AM
done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.

dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.

and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.


but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.

so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.

and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.

i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.

i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life


That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: zazen on August 20, 2019, 07:09:56 PM
That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.

Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc.  im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else.  is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever..   That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).

all the best -
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Lero on August 21, 2019, 03:51:52 AM
Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc.  im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else.  is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever..   That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).

all the best -

Facebook, besides the fact that it's full of triggers, it's superficial. People don't show their real self there, they make themselves look good. Smiling at the beach, going to places, they edit their pictures to make themselves look better, "Look what awesome life I have! Look how fucking amazing I am!" Everything is only "give me like", the race for likes, what can I post to make them give me like? etc. After a while spent there I got fucking tired. And then I stood away from it almost completely because of triggers. I only use it sometimes to talk to someone who is abroad. But except for this, I don't spend time there.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on August 24, 2019, 09:50:26 PM
Thanks guys!

For me, when I use social media. I feel alone. It reminds me that I don't have friends I can talk to. So it's just a way to try to run from the pain.

Feel alone, pick up phone, feel more alone. Not a good way to cope.

I try to do other stuff. Walk. Read. This weekend I am at a rave in a forest. Having my tent with me. Still feel terrible lonely.

Met a girl here, she reminded me of my ex-wife, cute, beautiful eyes and smile. She was talking to me for hours. We drank. She was close to me and flirty. And she start to talk about her boyfriend.

Woow I felt so sad, but still wanted to kiss her. But I couldn't and for sure, deep inside, I didn't want to anymore. But I went back to my crew and I started to cry.

I went to my tent. Been sleeping all night while the others party.

My mom texted to me last week. Again, after a post u did on Facebook about comfort. She asked me again, and manipulated me, to feel sorry for her and if we could eat something, and talk. And asked me if I wanted her helping me moving.

It made me so mad. I texted back after several hours. No, I don't wanna meet you. I don't wanna eat with you. I am feeling good. But I'm sad and hurt. Stop liking my posts on Facebook. because if we don't have a relationship in real life, we don't have in online. I don't want it like this, but if I need to choose to be close and feel terrible, or have a distance and feel sad but better. I need to do whats best for me. If you wanna talk. Write me a letter.

I haven't got any letter yet and no reply on the text.

So much going on. Soon 7 days pmo free. Best in a long time. Think Mars was last time.

I'm trying to focus on my job and the New apartment. But it's hard to pack the boxes. It reminds me about all the moving and lonlineess. It's real now. It's my 18 th move in my life.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: Lero on August 25, 2019, 04:14:36 AM
Yeah, man, it's ironic how we have more tools than ever nowadays to meet people (social media) but we feel more alone by doing this. Social media is a superficial world, I don't like it. I am not active there. I only go to facebook to talk to someone who is abroad, from time to time, but that's it. I don't post there, I don't upload pictures etc. Like this I also stay away from triggers (because facebooks shoves profiles down my throat when I don't ask for it).
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on August 25, 2019, 04:19:14 PM
7 days achieved.

Today I still feel pressure over my chest. I feel like tears Will burst any time. I feel pain in my calfs.

I know exactly what I need and want.

I want to smash, yell, scream and bang something hard. And after that I want to fall apart and into someone's arms who will say. It's ok I'm here now!!!

That's what I need. That's what I want. That's what I never ever never ever have experienced in my life.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on August 25, 2019, 06:16:07 PM
Was doing me a sandwich, and suddenly I just broke. Fell to the floor and cried .

So much hurt feelings. Just as when I was a kid. And cried out of lonlineess in school. That noone wanted to be with me..

This is not new feelings. Just buried feelings.

Bullied in school and noone to talk to when I come home.
No one who huged me and gave me comfort.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 07, 2019, 04:32:14 AM
On my day 5 now.

Now I have deleted my account at Instagram and Facebook. Feels really good.

Moved to my new apartment. And this week have been full of activities high and low. Haven't had time to sleep.

Been partying and celebrating alot off stuff.

Pushing myself forward, and keep building my confidence up again.

Real tired today though. Out partying two nights in a row until 5am :) we had fun tho
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 08, 2019, 05:35:30 AM
Day 6

I'm busy doing a lot of stuff. Don't have time to be online. So no pmo. And I'm exhausted when I get home.

Even if it's good I can't pmo, I need to rest. And get a mbetter pace in life now.

C ya
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 12, 2019, 12:50:39 AM
Day 3. Felt a bit sad and lonely some days ago. Had some difficulties to sleep. So it started with a chatroom and in the end, pmo. :(

Have moved to the new apartment, occupied with unpacking and let my brain go thru a lot of stuff. Many of the stuff reminds me of past trips, places, and things me and ex-wife did together. It makes me wanna cry and from time to time I just fall apart and down to the floor crying with pain. My öegs can't hold me up as much as I want to.

I am so exhausted after all this crying for the past years. I try to analyze and I do realize one thing that makes me happy thou. I cry only for a minute or so no.fpr a year ago it was hours!!!!

I still haven't got any letter from my mom, even if she said she wanted to talk, and I told her she is welcome to send me a letter of she wants to talk. It's been a month now. :(

Somethings are a lot better, and some things still would be good if they were fixed.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 14, 2019, 07:38:47 AM
Day 1

I'm about nervous, we have a new boss. And I dont know him yet. So have some difficulties to feel calm and do what I schould.

He seems cool thou and put on the sonos speaker with music. That's all good and felt good. It seems like everyone enjoyed it

We have two girls in the office who Always complains. And they talked about the speaker just whining. It was my list last time, so I took it personally. And felt sad.

I went home with this feeling of being bad.

And that ended up with pmo :(

Today I woke up, still sad, eating alone, and got a Flashback that my ex wife was sitting in front of me. And I just wanted to cry
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: malando on September 14, 2019, 09:31:50 AM
Hey man, sorry you're doing it so tough. My heart goes out to you. Are there any people you could hang with to offset the loneliness? Isolation is the worst.

With respect to your mom, dad and ex-wife. I think it's a mistake to wait around hoping for them to make any moves to resolve things with you. I think you either have to give up on it, or take the lead and present the best version of yourself who wants to express himself, but also work things out. Avoidant people like these need to be shown the way. Sometimes you can get a breakthrough if you lead the way - but it takes great self-control not to react to every trigger that comes up, so you need to be ready to take the high road and keep your eyes on your objective, which is setting things as right as they can be given the circumstances. I've had to accept that there are some things I'll never sort out with my parents - they just can't take responsibility for things they've done. They claim to not even remember most of it! I took the angle that I don't need them to agree to anything, or admit anything, only that I want to speak my truth and then put it behind us. It was the best thing I could do to rid myself of the anger I was holding onto. These are flawed and damaged people we are talking about - try not expecting too much from their reactions, but do demand to be heard. You never know how a different approach might play out.
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 23, 2019, 03:06:33 PM
Well, I have some new people, who don't know my past and I am afraid of telling them about my feelings, and I'm scared as hell that it will take me back to the old days.

Right now I'm several steps ahead and feel much better than ever. But I know I can be much better self, and I have things to work through to make it possible.

To be heard. That's my only dream to come true. Non of my parents wanna listen to me. They just feel uncomfortable and change subject. They do anything they can to avoid using their heart and ears.

Do you know how many times I have taken have taken the lead in all my relationships I've had in my life. In every single one of them!!!!!! I have been so afraid of loosing people, and so eager to show them love, I have always been quick, to meet up, take a coffee and just tell hug them, tell them it's okey and focus all my energy on the future. People love me for that and have always been thanking me for doing that.

That's been my big weakness, because these people using me, they know that I always take the lead, they know I always take the responsibility for the relationship, and they rely on that. Now every single one of them are so lazy, they waiting for me to take the first step again.

I have been thru this several times with my therapist and the answer is a big NO, I will not go down that road again, I can't let People use me like that. If I take the first step they will think it's like before, and they will not respect me. They will keep on hurting me. How could I ever let anyone do that? Would you let someone cut your skin with ba knife, only because he or she is called "mom" or "dad"???

I need to take a decision, and thats what makes less pain in my heart.

Being with my mom or dad, letting them hurt me?
Being without mom or dad, and letting that hurt me?

Neither way, I will be hurt, and I will feel sad, and it doesn't matter how much I love them and want to have a relationship with them, if the relationship is toxic it will drain me and make feel even more pain. Will it be worth it? Never!!!

What can I do? If they don't wanna listen to me?

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on September 27, 2019, 12:10:10 PM
Now I'm so haaaaaapy!!!!

The girl from the past who I before called my best friend, she is now completly out of my life. Finally I have got to talk to someone who understands the situation and have my back.

The girl have talked behind my back and kept talking about things we have said to leave in the past. And people have belived her and said things that made it look like as it was all my life and she is feeling so sad because of me. Yadda yadda blah blah. And some guys in the church came to visit me to talk to me.

I told them everything and said that I have already talked about it before, and that I have already left it in behind and I am angry that she keeps on taking about it and don't let it go.

They understood and told me. You have done everything you could, and you can leave this now. We will not make anything about this and if it comes back in the future, you can say that's already taken cared off.

I feel so relieved, and been smiling aaaaall day from ear to ear!!! One more rotten so called friend out of my life and I will never ever let her into my life more.

And on top of that, I made all this week without PMO even if I had tremendous load of emotions during the time.

It's 5 days going on 6 now
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on October 20, 2019, 09:55:08 AM
Day 1

Let go of the past they say. Time will heal all wounds they say.

Iam crying, again. It so painful. It's so much anger.

I read an article about how to let go of someone you love.

Not any new things. One step said it is ok to live them. And that it is mature. Next step after. Love yourself more.

Wow I just cried and cried and cried.

It was written that this step often is the hardest to deal with.

And wooow what I can say ok to that. That's why I cry so much. I cry when I give mydelf the love I never got before. When I take care of my self. Like for example making food.

Today it's not even a priority for me to eat. I tell myself it's because I don't have time or money. But that's not true really.

I was forced to have a week vacation. I had booked a weekend abroad, but something went wrong with my booking, so I got a whole week.

So I did have 4 days extra, and I was so scared. I didn't knew what to do those days. And if I would end up crying because I was alone and didn't have any friends to travel with.

I did what I could to make the best of it. But I would really wanted to be home, at work, and focus on my goals I have set up to reach before 2020.

But there was some things I did learn from this trip.

And that was that I did take care of myself pretty good. I did buy me food every day. And I did got me food I wanted.
I did take long walks, and I did stop where ever I wanted. Sat on a bench. Meditated. Or stopped at a museum, pub or anything.

Some days was harder. I was just sitting in the mall, waiting for the night to come, so I could go to sleep. I felt like I had nothing to live for. And wanted to do.

One day I got some food and it was Crowded, so I had to share a table with someone else. My anxiety went up, but forced myself to ask if I could share it. It was ok

I sat quiet, ate my lunch. And suddenly the girl ask me if I'm from the country and if I know any places to go clubbing.

I was going out for one place that day so I invited her.
She was traveling by her own for like two weeks. So we stayed together that afternoon and i took her to the club.

She had bf so wasn't more then friendship here . But it was nice to get a new friend.

I did shop a big notebook and a nice pen to start write down my experiences. And I realized that I got about 5 new contacts this week in this way. Just went out alone.

Most of the time I did feel lowly, and alone. But I also enjoy my selftime. But I also realized I maybe wasn't that bad at socializing becuse I got these new contacts.

I also did meet some friends I was planned to meet last trip. But my battery was empty so I never managed to get to them.

We have a WhatsApp group so we have talked alot since then. And now I had the opportunity to meet them. They did also Travel alone. And it was a good thing to meet up with them. I realized again I was part of that group, even if I didn't feel like it first. I didn't even knew if I wanted to be with them first.

But I forced myself to go to the Meetup. And it felt like I was a stranger first. Noone recognized me. Lol. Was because we never met last time. But when they did understand who I was. They smiled and laughed. And was happy to see me.

We stayed together for the weekend and had really great time together. And I was surprised they did remembered things about me I have had said in the group, but never really felt someone responded to.

One guy from the group remember that I said I was a introverted and shy person. He didn't understand that after the first night out. Becuse I danced like No other.

I told him that's because dancing is in my comfortzone. But I stay in my bubble and have difficulties to open up to new people. Even replying to their invites. Or making the approach will make q big war in my head. It's a big nono.

He did understand. And. One girl said the same thing and added that she got plenty of pics over the weekend from me together with girls and said I somehow must have talked to them.

I explained that I did only dance, was happy, and was going for a selfie, but those girls wanted to be in the picture. I never asked for their names or had the guts to say anything morem

My friend laughed and asked. So all these girls took the first step?

I said yes.

When I got home I went out clubbing same night. And it happened again. Girls danced with me. Grinded me and one girl, pass behind me and grabbed my ass with both hands.

All these things would probably many guys dream about happen in their lives just once. I know I am good looking, and I know I have the energy, and I know I am a good guy.

But I'm so hurt in my heart it fails me to have real conversations with people. I did meditate about it the day after. And I saw a pattern. That in the beginning of the night and at the dancefloor. I am myself. And that's when the girls wanna join in. And when I get the attention and someone show interest, and dancing with me for a while. I don't know what to do, I start to think to much, and ibfeel uncomfortable. I start to feel like I need to behave now and dont make any mistakes. I start to try to get close . Becuse things inside me craving touch, cuddles and affection. So I jump into conclusion that when girls come and dance with me, they also said they want to share some closer time together.

They probably are interested and want that, but I go to fast forward. And that's when they notice and feel like I am desperate. And they don't want that. So they push me away, because I getting to Close.

But it was they who jumped in to mine bubble.

All of this is part of lessons I need to learn and that I do pushing myself to deal with. Becuse I have found that all my sad days is from being refused contact. And I need to learn how to make it correctly. And I will use the nightclubs to forge myself to get there. It's not to get laid and get the girls. It's about pushing myself to meet new people. And meeting people who like same thing as me. Dancing and enjoying life.

I had 5 days without PMO while abroad. And than I started to feel these feelings again and went pmo again. It's still 1-2 times a week.

Everytime I do make a larger number, it always together with not feeling alone.

Did hit the gym today too. Will keep working on my Body.

C ya
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on October 20, 2019, 06:21:32 PM
I just can't stop crying.

Been crying more or less whole day.

Tears coming out. And I hold it innfpr some hours. And it comes back. And again and again and again.

Now I tried to fall asleep and o could nt.

I stood up and started to walk randomly in my apartment and suddenly I fell down on my knees and cried again.

I don't know what to say tomorrow when I come back to work. People will ask me how it was.

I don't wanna be the victim, but I did have a special vacation with both ups and downs. I think I will tell my boss about it. We have weekly meetings on Mondays. But really, I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I just wanna stay home and feel sorry for myself. And stay in this pit of darkness.

I read some articles today about forgiveness, 5 signs of behaviors for having a dysfunctional upbringing, and in what circumstances it's okey to brake up with your parents.

I had all the behavior signs for a dysfunctional family. The circumstances for brake up with parants I also had, bit it was clear that to do that break up only will not free yourself . You need to forgive.

I have talked alot with my therapist about that before. And the big question remains.

How do I give someone who doesn't understand he/she did hurt me or even ask for forgiveness?

This bitterness and pain, I'm going crazy,  I just ant hold it anymore. I just want it to end.

I found a forum where the question was if it okey to break up with parants. And I read every comment. And every single one of them said things that was so in common with my situation.

It was about narcissistic parents, parants who don't wanna listen, don't wanna take responsibility, who blame everything on the child.

I also read an article about what is necessary for be able to forgive. And the first part was to have a parent willing to listen.

I don't have that. No one of them wanna listen to my story. They blame me, and that I am feeling sad because of the divorce and everything. They don't wanna hear about it a them. They think I will feeö better soon and turn back to them.

Nooooo way!!!!!! I don't want narcissistic, abusive, manipulated or addicted people in my life anymore. I don't want them Close!!!!!!

It all makes me so angry. And sad.

Like when I did arrive at the airport. A lot of people was standing there waiting for family and relatives to pick them up. I had no one.

Sure I did choose to not call Mom or Dad to pick me up. Becuse I don't want them to do it right now. but deep in my heart I wish it was different, I wish they could have been there, happy for seeing me.

But no, my parants wants to control me. Wants to change me and wants me to behave as they want so they can feel good.

They believe their self-esteem and selfworth is based on what other think about them or how good parants they are.

O just wanna end it all. I don't wanna have it like this.

Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 01, 2020, 06:09:09 PM
Been long time ago since I logged in here. I just för I needed to write down some thoughts I have for today.


Because I feel there is something that is starting to change. And it's interesting.

Last year my focus and goal have been to regain my self-esteem. To feel valued again. To seek new friendships.

It have been a lot of moments of crying, frustration and back to drawing board to see what I did right and what to do better.

I wanted to be confident enough to be able to talk to people, No matter gander, without need to feel I need to talk aboit my past. I wanted to just have some good time here and now and be able to be in the moment.

It has been really difficult. Becuse first I didn't even knew how to approach new people. I didn't knew how to socialize.

But I made up my mind, and set out to the nightclubs.
Because I looooove music and I looooove to dance.

And because I didn't have anyone to ask to come with me. I just did go by myself. Nervousness de Luxe and my anxiety was in full bloom inside me. Do I look strange, creepy, what shall I do, how do I behave here, and alot of questions went through my Head.

In the beginning, I often went home, crying, that I didn't even dance with anyone, or talked to anyone. And that Boone wanted to talk with me. I felt sad, ashamed and shy.

But I'm a focused guy. So I told my self. Hey, this was the first try, and you did it. What can I even think I would accomplished with this without any training or knowing what so ever what I am doing. Learned some things and did some changes until next time. And kept on going.

The PMO kept on, and I am full focus on the real problem, the underlying cause of my PMO, the lonliness and so on. All these emotions that makes me feel I need a hug, and love, and Where my brain goes to PMO to get the injection for dopamine so I don't need to deal with the emotions.

it have been better and better for every time I'm out and the last month I have gain so much trust in my self that I got some new male friends and got some contacts to girls. And even have them dancing and making out with me on the dancefloor.

It's sooo amazing what a change it have been, and how I now feel more confident in myself.

Not because I make out with girls and "need" that to feel happy. But instead, that I made all the necessary work to get there from where I were.

And what have all of this about PMO to do? I had my counter reseted every 2-3 day, and I was tired of see that counter. Always remember me how bad I am at not PMO and how often I reset it. So I decided to delete it. It feels much better.

Two weeks ago I danced with a girl, exchanged contacts, and when the nightclub closed we got into same line for out coats. Started to talk and decided eat together. She almost loved neighbor with me so we even did go home with the same bus to the same busstop.

She got to her place and me to mine.

After that we have almost talked everyday. I got sick unfortunately, so been home now for a week. And we have talked for hours over Messenger.

Some days ago I felt I was going to PMO again, but I stoped my self and asked if it will be worth to not be able to get it up if she comes to my place in a couple of days. And I also asked myself. Could I do that to her? Imagine the opposite, how sad it would be if I came home to a girl all excited Knowing what will happen and not be able becuse she did get off just one min before I arrived and is not in the mood anymore. It would feel like a lie and she played with my feelings. So My heart told me I don't want to watch it.

Yesterday I felt a bit better and we took a walk together around the lake and she came up to mine place. Watched some movies and cuddled in the sofa. She stayed over night. And we woke up in eachothers arms.

It was a great night, we laughed and had alot of fun. And I think it's over two weeks now I haven't PMO.

Alot of things need to be worked on in the future. And it's not over. But this is some kind of milestone and I'm happy I got here. Don't know what this will lead with the girl or if I'm ready for a new relationship. But I take one day a time and will see Where it will take me.

Still learning, still making changes, still growing.
I know the struggle is real, but in the end it will be worth it.

Don't blame myself for it has not gone as quickly as I wanted. Instead be happy for keep taking steps forward to the goal.

C ya
Title: Re: First relapse
Post by: mobilfreak on January 06, 2020, 06:18:44 PM
Still no PMO

It was loooooong time ago I felt this calm and slept this good .

I feel grounded and connected. It makes me remember what Dr Gabor mate did talk about it several of his talks about addiction.

He asks the crowd to raise hands if they ever have abused anything. And ask those people why they did it.

Some People get the chance to speak up. They say things like. I was sad, I was stressed and so on.

Every answer get to the same point. They didn't feel like they had a life. They needed something to feel happy, to feel joy. And the sad thing is that they couldn't get it through a correct way..they needed an addiction.

And the point he want to pin out is that if you have the ability to feel connected and all these things I, and have the right evoirment to achieve it. You will probably not use any sort of drugs or be an addicted.

It's very interesting, becuse now I feel like I'm connected, I don't even think about PMO. Or even think I need it. I think it's waste of time and disgusting to watch. It's so interesting how a change in mood can change so much in the addiction.

Now when I have one friend I can be myself with, let me find more. We all need someone we can trust and talk to.