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Journals => Women => Topic started by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 13, 2016, 05:46:27 PM

Title: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 13, 2016, 05:46:27 PM
So I have been on this site for a while, and have thought about making a journal a number of times, but fear always stopped me. Fear of others making negative comments and fear of me discovering my true feelings about things. So since the first post is a way to get to know who I am and where I am in recovery, here goes nothing.

I am a recovering anorexic (hence the journal title) and I've been in recovery on and off for three years, and been anorexic since high school. I'm 22 and have been restricting since age 15 or 16 to my awareness. I've always had bad body image even though I have an hour glass figure. A girl friend of mine once told me "Guys will only like you for your body" in middle school and that fed my anorexia and drive to be thin.

I met my PA, who I'll call Cody, over a year ago. He has been the best thing to have happen to me. Seriously the love of my life. I met Cody after a bad chapter in my life. I used to go to school in georgia, where I ended up getting sexually assaulted by a classmate my freshman year, raped my boyfriend of the time in my sophomore year, and my junior year got raped by a guy I had been dating for a while. (I would appreciate no comment on my choices in men, I never would have guessed any of that would have happened when I knew them). Anyways, so those trauma's deeply and profoundly affected me and changed me. Also made the anorexia really bad at times. I figured all I was worth is sex because of my body and knowing guys liked it. I thought a lot about being an escort or going into prostitution though I never did, just I figured that's what I was worth.

Meeting Cody on 6/6/15 was the day that changed my life. I told him right out about my trauma's and my anorexia and gave him plenty of "outs" in case he couldn't deal with me and my issues because a lot of guys in the past bailed on me. I also mentioned week one of meeting I couldn't have porn in a relationship because of my anorexia and that I would relapse.

He obviously said he would stop and it wouldn't be an issue. Of course it was an issue. So I found out about four months ago, so a little over a year of being with him. This of course was after we signed a year lease together and got a kitten together. I felt very... manipulated. I felt like I was trapped and couldn't leave because we signed a lease.

I love him, I am supportive of him, and he is four months porn free and I couldn't be more proud. I've helped educate him on porn and the harmful effects. He never had PIED. Though I could always tell something was off with sex. Intimacy was off at times and then it was so close.

So since finding out I've been an emotional wreck. I already had PTSD from my trauma's that I worked through but now I have PTSD from this. I am a freaking mess. I am triggered so much. I have restricted at times. I've basically made sure to take care of him and help him. He also has been trying to help me.

The worst part of this is that he feels guilty, disgusted, and ashamed and feels like he doesn't deserve me because of how amazing I've been to him. I truly have done everything for him. I got him a great job at my parents company. I got him to go back to school and actually do well, which was something he was insecure about. Ever since he has given up porn his life has gotten so much better in every way, and I am so happy to see him do well in every area of his life.

The thing is he feels like he can't marry me now, which we've talked about. He feels he has to be worthy of me or something and that has been a real sensitive topic for me. After my trauma's I gave up on a normal life of a husband kids and house with a dog. He wants to marry me but feels like he can't ask until I'm better. We found the ring, he knows how much he has to save, but he just worries that he isn't good enough for me anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth! I love him so much and want to see him succeed in every part of life even though he has hurt me so much. He also feels like he can't recognize the person he used to be and the things he did (when I would beg/ask him not to). He doesn't recognize that as who he is.

I know the damage porn can do in relationships by my own experience and reading of others experiences. I hate seeing the harm it's done and I can only hope that everyone can heal from this sad addiction. So I will continue posting here about my experience in recovery, and helping Cody through his.

Thanks for taking the time to read :)
Title: Re: Suffering Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 14, 2016, 02:51:41 PM
So today was pretty good. Cody made a huge step in his recovery. He asked me if he could go on Facebook to post something so I told him it was okay, and then he blew me away with how brave and courageous he was. I asked his permission to post what he said and he said okay. I'll share that because it shows how much he has changed and grown.

"It seems to me that there is a problem in today's society that most people are unaware of. To some, it's not a problem, to others it may be, some don't realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn't even know it until earlier this year. I've had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn't going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn't even know I had. I've been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It's not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You'd be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that "perfect" photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the "perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don't realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don't want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn't even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it's legal in don't even do it legally.

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I've done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can't handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn't do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn't happen. I couldn't understand why i wouldn't stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i'd stop and didn't until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can't have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don't agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that's rare we don't agree on something. We've rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we're apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I've ever had because of it. Fortunately she's amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won't be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some f***** up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo s***. Their relationships will crumble and that's usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you're with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you're letting other woman into the relationship and that's cheating. It's infidelity and if it's left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that's fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start off simple and easy but the next thing they know they're taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they're pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std's are mostly fake. That's not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don't abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated.

Since I've stopped, I've been so much happier. Work is better, I'm passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A's now. I finally feel like I'm working on my future because I've felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it's the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I've seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It's also nice to see that I'm not alone by long shot. It's a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it's such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it's a currency. It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don't care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It's serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it."

The support he has gotten so far has been amazing! He even told some of his friends who he games with to read his post they they would understand why he hasn't been on his computer lately, and they were supportive. Though he did say he didn't look at porn on his computer (because he mainly used his phone) which was a lie, he completely forgot about the couple (3 times maybe) he used the computer. But still, I am so proud of him and his steps forward.

Along with him taking steps forward, so have I. We are doing a game with his friends in a couple weekends and watching Walking Dead afterwards, and since I found out we haven't really watched TV on cable, just Netflix. So I'm anxious about commercials and such but he understands and we have a plan. Also a friend who got really mad at him and us for fighting reached out to him to grab coffee with him tomorrow to talk about the porn addiction I think. A bit nervous, but hopeful that that goes well for him. 
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Emerald Blue on October 16, 2016, 04:27:25 PM
It saddens me to read about young women with eating disorders and issues with body image at an age when these should be the best years of their lives, and at an age when their youthful beauty is plain to see to everyone but themselves. I know that eating disorders are very complex and I don't know all that much about the subject but I can imagine that your own experiences of rape and later becoming the partner of someone with a porn addiction is going to be very, very difficult. You have been through a lot in your young life. I hope you can find the help and support you need.

I grew up before internet porn. Porn certainly existed but it was mostly magazines. There were X rated movies but people had to go to a theatre to watch them and there were age limits, at least that was what the law said, but no way would a 12 year old kid be admitted although a 16 or 17 year old might get lucky. Even when people started getting home video players, they still had to go to a store and buy a movie, so porn didn't play that big a role in people's lives. As teens, we had to learn from experience, not from porn.

Views on sex and sexuality were far more progressive than in previous generations. We were able to control our fertility. We didn't have to be in committed relationships to have sex. Women's sexual pleasure was being spoken of. Women could explore their own bodies and learn what they enjoy and how to reach orgasm. The women's movement at that time has to take a lot of credit for women's increasingly sexual awareness, in terms of exploring our sexuality, being aware of our sexual health and our reproductive rights. It was a time when we could question tradition roles and explore our own sexuality and lifestyle choices. I consider myself very lucky to have come of age at a time when we had more positive and progressive ideas about healthy sexuality. The prevalence of pornography in the post-internet age has, I feel, been reactionary and backwards. I don't believe it fosters healthy ideas about sex and sexuality at all. But that's another topic for another day. I'm saying all of this to say that healthy sexuality can exist perfectly well without the presence of porn in anyone's life. In fact, a truly sensual shared experience is one of the most beautiful experiences that anyone could ever know.

I also understand the exploitative nature of the porn industry, and I know that many young women suffer from inhumane and cruel treatment at the hands of the unscrupulous sharks who make a killing from their trade. Even at the 'high end' of the industry, it's still a hollow and soul-destroying experience for many. Sure there are a few who apparently make a good living but they often have issues with alcohol and drug misuse, they have unhappy personal lives, they get involved in damaging relationships. For every porn "star" that makes it big, there are hundreds, if not thousands who are used up and cast aside. To be honest, some diehard porn users don't care. They take the attitude that these girls are consenting adults, nobody forces them and they get paid. Anyone who researches what really goes on in the porn industry behind the scenes will tell you a lot of it ain't pretty. Some people care, some don't. I guess that's another aspect of desensitisation. Their fix is all that matters.

I wish you both well in your healing. It's possible to have a beautiful loving relationship without porn ever being a part of it. I wish you both well.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 17, 2016, 08:27:07 AM
Thanks Emerald! It is very difficult to be anorexic and be with a porn addict. I was talking to my best friend yesterday and he said that the odds of having a dangerous combination as an anorexic and porn addict together is probably rare.

It's true this is the first generation to grow up with internet porn, and honestly it's ridiculous how bad porn has affected this generation. It really saddens me. The industry is very exploitive and it's scary the stories you read about. I just hate knowing not only does porn destroy relationships, but thinking about the women and men in porn and how abusive that environment can be. It's sick to think that most men don't think about that when they watch porn, it doesn't even occur to them.

Thank you for wishing us the best. I wish you and your husband the best in recovery as well!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 17, 2016, 08:32:46 AM
This morning was tough. Cody and I talked about his porn addiction and I am the kind of person to want details. It was really frustrating that he couldn't remember. He has a terrible memory, but I just really wanted to know the things he couldn't remember.

I started feeling really insecure and suddenly felt like Cody shouldn't be touching at me or looking at me. He was hurt by that. I tried explaining to him that to me porn is him going out to a restaurant and eating a good meal, and I am left overs that one considers whether to warm up or throw away. That I felt like I was a consolation prize at times. He felt bad that I felt that way.

He then told me that whenever I start feeling like he shouldn't see me or touch me, that to him it's me seeing him as the tainted porn guy who hurt me, and feels that he isn't good enough. It's ironic that he feels that way, because me not wanting him to touch me is because I feel not good enough. It was good though that we communicated these feelings. I never realized how my not wanting him to touch me made him feel. I usually just am caught up in anorexic thoughts about how my body must be gross compared to porn that I didn't even think about how he was feeling with me pulling away.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Emerald Blue on October 17, 2016, 06:03:14 PM
Anna, your body is not "gross" compared to porn. Your body is not gross at all. You have as much right to feel beautiful as anyone, so please don't think of yourself so negatively. I know it's going to be 100x more complicated because of your history of eating disorder, but learning to appreciate and love your body is the key to developing your own sexuality especially, in your own  healing from everything you've been through.

I would also counsel caution in digging too deep for details of your partner's PA. The problem is that once you have visualised it in your mind's eye, or even worse, actually viewed some of it, you end up having these upsetting images burned into your memory and these visualisations can trigger very upsetting reactions. It's helpful to have a accurate overview of the behavior but seeing for yourself or imaging upsetting scenes isn't always helpful.

As for porn women, are they really that great? I don't think so. They are a long way from this supposed "perfection" — fake boobs, creepy Botox faces, lip fillers, plastered on makeup. That's "hot"? There's no point in feeling bad about yourself. You are worth more than porn.

Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 18, 2016, 01:21:18 PM
Thanks Emerald. A lot of stuff came up this weekend with Cody coming out about his addiction and I've been more self-conscious than normal. I hope that it lessens as things cool down.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 20, 2016, 09:53:27 AM
It's been rough. Extremely rough since Cody came out on Facebook. He has gotten support, but some people haven't been supportive and I seem to be the scape goat. His sister thinks I'm smothering him, which I'm not. His brother called him a liar. His friend verbally attacked me in a text message. One of his friends who is a girl saw us fight a couple months ago in public, and she obviously told the friend that verbally attacked me. Cody defended me, which was nice. It's just been really rough getting so much negativity. I feel like I should leave my partner so there isn't as much crap. I feel like people hate me now and think I warped his mind into thinking porn is bad. I just don't know what to do. I've been so depressed with all the negativity. I feel so alone. I hate being hated or thought of so negatively. I feel like everyone in his life would be happier if I left him. I know he wouldn't be happy at all, he would be devastated if I left him. I don't want to leave him. His friends think I'm emotionally abusing him and I'm not logical. I have been triggered, yes. He has lost my trust and is building it back. Building back trust means that someone doesn't get to have everything at once. It means things slowly go back to normal once trust is earned and built. Every one hates me and it's so hard. He gets support from everyone and they hate me.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on October 21, 2016, 04:00:54 PM
I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I had the same experience when we confided in a few of our couples friends. They didn't understand it, partly because they both watch P regularly I think. Anyway I ended up being the bad guy. Even when my husband defended me they still wanted to attack me. We are still friends but its not the same. I try to avoid making plans with them and when we do see them the conversation is more forced. That has been our experience with 4 couples that we spoke with. So we have basically lost half our friends. The other half don't know, lol, and we plan to keep it that way sadly. There was only one couple that was understanding and we are a lot closer now! I feel like it has really showed us who our true friends are. And for the friends that we haven't told I am scared to. It makes me feel like I am not able to be completely open and the friendship isn't as deep as a result. The attitude towards this addiction is so sad/frustrating/angering and so many more emotions. This has bothered me so much that I really just want to move. I know that sounds drastic but I really feel that way. I don't see us actually relocating but I have to be honest about my feelings and my feelings are that I just want a fresh start. So its a long way of saying I understand and I am sorry to hear you are experiencing the backlash. It sucks that the the SO ends up getting blamed. Its just the pits! Hang in there is does get better. On a positive note I found after that experience my husband and I started talking a lot more since we both felt that we were basically the only people we could talk to. So maybe that is the silver lining.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 21, 2016, 06:17:46 PM
Thanks Aquarius, I just hate the backlash. I am sorry to hear that this happened to you too. One of the friends he has, the one who asked if I was emotionally abusing him, once the situation was more explained to him, he understood and is fine with me. I guess the thing that bothers me is that Cody said his friends were my friends when we met and through out our relationship. I always told him they were his friends. They all liked me until his addiction came out.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is that they all had such low opinions of me the first chance they got. I think I am honestly shocked they think so little of me and it takes extensive convincing to think otherwise. Cody is also shocked and annoyed that they would say things like that about me. I told him I expected apologies from his friends. I also told him I wanted to ask his friends why they jumped to such drastic opinions about me. It honestly was just unexpected for them to say such hurtful things.

I can understand friends are protective and they want to make sure their friend is fine. I can understand them saying, "I know you cheated on her for a year, but are you happy, is she doing right by you?" I could understand a comment like that. But not comments like I'm warping his mind, or asking if I'm emotionally abusive. The friend thought that because he thought that I told Cody I would restrict if he watched porn after I found out. Once Cody explained that when I first met Cody I explained to him that me having anorexia meant I couldn't be in a relationship where porn was involved because it could trigger me to relapse in my own recovery, he understood. But still the comment was so hurtful.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 22, 2016, 07:13:48 PM
Had an interesting moment. I was scrolling through a blog and there was a picture of Chris Hemsworth in his underwear. The post was about how in society women are sexualized for ads and such and men aren't. I was so caught off guard and Cody saw me looking at Chris and was like, "Why are you looking at that?"

I found it interesting that he was not happy that I saw a picture of Chris Hemsworth in boxers in the post. I asked him why, and he said I knew why. I found his reaction interesting because he felt what I had felt when he had all those images and such. Has anyone else's partner gotten upset or hurt if you happen to see an attractive guy in boxers or anything like that? I just found it interesting that Cody had such a change in thoughts. When we first dated he could have cared less if I had a saved picture of a guy in underwear, which I never would have done because I'm in a relationship and don't believe in having others in a relationship, but his mind set has changed ever since he views porn as cheating.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 23, 2016, 02:02:23 PM
I have been in denial. I've been focused on Cody's recovery and helping him. I've been setting boundaries and making sure he knows what I am okay with and what I'm uncomfortable with. Last night I had a flashback. I had a flashback to when we sat down together to go through his computer history because he said he didn't think he used his computer for porn, just his phone when I had found out about it all.

We found porn when we went through, not a lot, but at least 5 images/gifs. He said that was probably right before he met me, because of the history right before it. So whether he did it while with me or not, it still was very hard to see it. So last night I had a flashback to seeing those gifs/images and was crying and breaking down because of the amount of pain. Cody told me to stay in the moment and remember that was in the past. He was really good through my flashback, probably because he has dealt with my flashbacks from the PTSD from my rapes.

I guess I just wanted to deny that I was having PTSD effects from this. I feel stupid for having PTSD from this. I can understand PTSD from rape, but from this, I think people will think I'm crazy. Cody reassured me and told me that if I wasn't ready for him to get the computer back, that was fine and we would work up to it. He can use my laptop, or my desktop because he has never used on those computers. Just knowing he did on his computer is where I have the anxiety.

I honestly hate the PTSD from this. I had gone to therapy and dealt with the PTSD from my rapes and was really getting over it. I had a good couple months with minimal PTSD and then I find out about Cody's addiction and PTSD stuff is back. I hate the breakdowns, the flashbacks, the anxiety attacks, the depression and the roller coaster of emotions. There are days like today, where Cody and I have been great, and then there are days where the PTSD anxiety triggers are so bad I don't think I can leave the apartment. I guess I am just really angry I have PTSD again because of how hard it was to get under control for my other traumas. I never wanted to have to go through EMDR again or PTSD work again because of how difficult it was. I've already gone through it three times, and now I have to do this again for a fourth time.

I also don't think anyone will understand if I tell them about this. So that makes me feel alone and isolated and misunderstood.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 25, 2016, 08:38:33 AM
I made progress and so did Cody. This morning I got out of the shower as Cody was getting in and I left my phone on the charger and told him to take it off when it hits 100%. I went to bed and only once he got back in bed with me did I realize I left him in the bathroom with my phone with no blockers on them. Cody, while we were together always used in the shower when I was asleep in the morning. So when he got back I told him that I realized that I made progress because I trusted him with my phone and him being in the shower. He also realized he made progress because the thought of using never even crossed his mind.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 25, 2016, 09:15:12 PM
In the beginning of my relationship with Cody, I thought if I took sexy pictures of me in lingerie that would be enough for him to not look at instagram girls. Of course we both didn't realize he had an addiction at that point.

Me being in lingerie taking sexy pictures was very... out of character for me. But I was looking at some of my favorite shots where I have to say I look really attractive, I look at the picture and I think to myself where the hell did that daring and confident girl go?

I can't put lingerie on anymore without being so anxious of rejection (its happened before). I know I've always struggled with body image due to anorexia, but I felt so confident a year and a half ago when I had just gotten out of recovery. I took that photoshoot at the height of my recovery. I was healthy, confident and in a really good place.

I look at where I am now, and I am back to slightly, possibly, relapsing, and I don't feel confident, and I sure as hell don't feel sexy. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to get that back. I used to actually be somewhat confident in my looks, and now I look at myself and I can't see anything. I feel like nothing sometimes.

Especially because Cody and I have talked about marriage. He told me he wanted to marry me three months into meeting me but wanted to wait a year to see how we are. Of course I found out about the addiction at the one year mark, and that made him feel unworthy of marrying me. I took that as he didn't want to marry me, even though he wants to marry me. It kind of hurt me. Here I am, still wanting to marry him as if nothing happened, and yet he "changed his mind". I felt like I was more committed. Of course, he told me he felt it would be unfair to ask me to marry him if he wasn't confident in his recovery.

We talked last night and he says he is more confident and does feel more worthy of proposing. I guess, I just fear that he actually won't propose and I'll be strung along for a while, though that's not Cody's character at all...

I guess this whole addiction thing shook up everything to the core. I still am trying to process all the changes and the adjustments, and helping him in his recovery while also not relapsing in my own...
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on October 26, 2016, 03:45:49 PM

I have ptsd as well and have done, undiagnosed for the last 20 years until just recently. I was the victim of a violent attempted rape, someone walked in on it and because it never progressed to full blown rape I down played it in my own mind, never told anyone it had happened (the person that walked in would have had no idea that what they saw was non consenting), anyway after that I got into an abusive relationship where I was raped more than once and sexually abused in other ways as well. I basically shut all that out too, and so I've struggled all my life with disassociation and anxiety and feeling useless and worthless and all the rest of it but never putting the pieces together. Finding my husband watching porn triggered it all up, not what I saw but the feelings it provoked, because they were the same feelings I felt when abused, that I was worthless, ugly, crap at sex, etc etc. Because of the way the full extent of my husbands use has come out, basically trickle discoveries (me hacking the computer, his tablet, going through his facebook account and text messages etc), many lies, some disclosures if I asked directly, like I found out about instagram because I asked "did you use instagram?" otherwise he never would have told me because he had deleted the app with the intention of me never knowing even though I asked him to be honest and tell me everything! Anyway I know have full blown ptsd just from this alone, my counselor says it's intimate partner betrayal and it's intersecting with the trauma from my past, and because i had repressed that I've basically been retraumatised by that and traumatised by my husband at the same time. I'm a huge trauma mess. For the first time in my life I've gone on meds for anxiety and depression and yet even with those I'm barely functioning. Yesterday I floated through the day feeling useless and emotionally drained. Today I was suppose to take the kids to swimming and gym (I homeschool them) but I can't face it, there lessons started 15 mins ago and I'm not dressed and they are on the xbox because the idea of leaving the house today was too overwhelming for me. I'm thoroughly letting them down at the moment.

But anyway I've started rambling, I really just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone with having ptsd from this. And I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that it's quite common to get. It might have been in Paula Halls partner book, I'll have a look later and if it is I'll quote it in here for you.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 26, 2016, 05:04:58 PM
Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear about your trauma's. PTSD can be a real pain in the ass. It comes up at the most inconvenient times. I've been good today. I have communicated more with my partner,  Cody, about triggers and such. I guess I just feel really bad about this because of past reactions from people to my PTSD. I also feel like crap because of Cody's friends reactions to his announcement about his addiction and what happened. I now feel like I have to be perfect and do everything he wants and needs so I don't look bad to his friends, which is shit, because I haven't done anything wrong.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on October 26, 2016, 07:38:07 PM
This article talks about ptsd,  also has some tips on healing   
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 31, 2016, 10:23:37 AM
So that Facebook post of Cody's has still had more repercussions. His parents think I posted it and I am horrified by that. I can't believe they think so little of me. They think I'm asking too much of him...but how? Is asking for honesty, respect, trust, faithfulness, and each sharing our responsibilities equally in a relationship too much to ask for??? I don't get it!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on November 01, 2016, 07:13:25 PM
Sorry I see that I didn't actually post the link and now the link is broken as I just tried it again and they've changed all their website about.

I had pasted some of it to my hubby so I'll copy that in here but it doesn't have the bits on what you yourself can do.

"In all my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography. Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), he will begin to slowly change into someone who becomes more self-centered, irritable, moody, and impatient. He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty, and experience more internal stress. He will become more dissatisfied with his work, become easily bored with things that used to interest him, and feel restless. He will also become more resentful and blaming when things don’t go his way. This transformation may take years, depending on how often he views pornography. If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself that the aforementioned challenges are situational and will pass with time. For those who view pornography more frequently, each viewing produces more disconnection from the man he could become. The repeated viewings and subsequent self-deception deepen this transformation over time. This gradual erosion eventually creates confusion and strife in the marriage. Although each case is different, most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secretive pornography consumption have told me they felt like something was “off” in their relationship with their husband. They usually second-guessed themselves, many of them even reflexively blaming themselves entirely for the disconnection in the marriage.If undisclosed pornography use has the potential to produce this much confusion and pain in a marriage, one can only imagine the level of difficulty imposed on a wife when these secretive behaviors are actually brought to light.Shock, denial, anger, rage, depression, self-loathing, isolation, and fear are some of the words that describe what a woman experiences when she learns of her husband’s secretive sexual behaviors. Virtually every woman I’ve worked with has experienced deep shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Unfortunately, partners will often suffer privately and become more disconnected and isolated from their support systems. Even if they initially react in anger, most of the pain becomes “sorrow that the eye can’t see.Most men who reveal their secretive behaviors feel the relief of not having to carry the secret anymore. Ironically, the crushing load once carried by the addict gets transferred to the wife. Burdened by this new and unwelcome challenge, she typically experiences profound fear, anxiety, and confusion. Many scholars have noted that women betrayed by their husband’s pornography use experience symptoms associated with post traumatic stress disorder, a condition that is equated with feelings of powerlessness, intrusive thoughts and memories, and efforts to avoid the triggers associated with the traumatic stressor. Like war-torn soldiers, these women live in fear that something will remind them of the painful memories associated with the betrayal of pornography. They often become hyper-vigilant--checking computer histories, cell phones, and obsessing over ways to stop his pornography use. he stress associated with discovering a husband’s pornography addiction can produce sleepless nights, food issues (both overeating and undereating), traumatic flashbacks, crying spells, and feelings of hopelessness. The physical exhaustion related to these stressors can cause a once perfectly healthy woman to begin under functioning in her various roles. Many women believe they will automatically recover from the trauma of their husband’s pornography use when he stops looking at it. It’s easy to imagine how this would be the case. If the behavior that is causing the pain goes away, then the pain goes away, right? Yes and no.
Yes, the pain will decrease as a husband commits to ending his pornography consumption and begins to live an authentic life free from the damaging effects of this addiction. On the other hand, if women affected by their husband’s pornography use don’t consciously work to undo the effects of his behavior, they could continue to hang onto unresolved fear, resentment, anger, and grief.
Another comparison helps to clarify this point. If a woman is a passenger in a car driven by her out-of-control husband and he steers the car into a tree, it’s unlikely she’ll get back into a car with him without some sort of reassurance that he’ll be more safe. Even if he takes driver safety classes and pays fines, she will still struggle to know if he’s going to protect her. She will need to work through her own emotional reactions, trauma, and feelings of powerlessness associated with the injuries caused by her husband’s irresponsible driving. The couple will need to work through the impact on each of them individually and then work on the relational impact caused by his behavior.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 01, 2016, 07:23:22 PM
Thanks, that was a great read and very accurate! I can relate to that. I have anorexia, and had been in recovery for a year! That was the longest I'd ever gone without seriously restricting. I mean, my partner helped me so much that I didn't feel guilty when I ate chips! (I know that might sound stupid) but anyways...since I've found out, and with all the hate from friends and family, I am now checking myself back in to a IOP treatment center because I have relapsed. I am angry that his life is put back together when mine is falling apart.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 02, 2016, 02:45:34 PM
I talked to Cody today about a lot of things. I knew he was being distant ever since he posted on Facebook, and that's why I kept asking if he had been using. He hasn't. But today he realized he hasn't been talking to me. He then told me he felt that I was too protective or too helping in his recovery. I felt bad. I feel bad, I didn't realize I was being like that.

I know that I have been trying to balance my needs and his needs. My needs are well... knowing when he gets to and leaves work because that way when he sends his work internet history I know if there is something missing. I need to know who he is hanging out with (because some friends are being mean to me, and some are just going to hinder his own recovery), I want to know where because some places have posters that are provocative or things like that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I like going to places he wants to go to see the environment... Is that too much? Probably. I feel like a freaking PTSD mess.

I told him since we met because of my PTSD from rape trauma and anorexia, that he could leave if it got too bad. Well... his frustrations with me makes it seem like my PTSD from his addiction is too much. I cry, I break down, I yell, and I get paranoid and scared. I HATE it. I just want to be numb, and I want to have no emotional reaction to anything he does (whether it's good or bad) so that he doesn't have to feel either bad or angry or frustrated at me for my emotional responses... he makes me feel like I am too much and that I am too emotional and too sensitive... I feel like I have to just shut up and nod my head in agreement to whatever to keep him appeased.

I am sorry that having his friends and family hate on me has made me relapse in my anorexia, I am sorry that I don't want him hanging out with any of them until I get a chance to explain my side and get an apology, I am sorry I break down crying and can be a bit controlling out of fear... I am not perfect. I am working on it. I hate this. Some days it all feels like it's too much. 

I started thinking about me and my needs for the first time since I found out. I mean I would sometimes have thoughts that would quickly leave my head about my needs, but never truly thought about what I need. I need space sometimes. I need to actually take care of myself. I need to learn how to not pick up all the slack. I need to let Cody fall. That is a big one. I take after my dad in that. He never let me fail, and that's what I've been doing with Cody. So I need to back off and let him do his recovery and focus on mine, and if he slips up, I need to be okay with that.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on November 02, 2016, 03:22:43 PM
Hubby and me are finding the book "love you, hate the porn : Healing a relationship damaged by virtual infidelity" really helpful. It talks about the female response to the relationship crisis, the male response and the things that both (but mostly the addict) can do to help. It's the most helpful thing we've read in terms of healing as a couple. That Paula Hall partner book is great for healing yourself, but this one is really great for the couple relationship. It doesn't get into individual healing, just the couple relationship, so you and he can use it alongside any other resources you are using. Gracie in here recommended it, they found it very helpful too. The guy who wrote the book has a website too
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 02, 2016, 03:25:16 PM
Thanks I'll buy that too haha I just need some damn guidance haha
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Gracie on November 03, 2016, 06:48:32 AM
I swear by the Love You Hate the Porn guy.  He saved our relationship.   Things do get better with time.  My husband was an assholethe first six months and then half an asshole after that.  A year in I really noticed the difference.   We are closer but we are different.  With sex, we finally wised up and just went ahead and had sex whenever everything was working.  Waiting till later never worked.   
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 07, 2016, 09:28:36 AM
I bought the book Gracie. I just got through Paula Hall's book that people have recommended, and want to start reading Love you Hate porn with my partner.

I've already seen a huge difference in the person my partner has become (or always wad under the porn fog).

Lately, this past weekend, we had an amazing talk and everything changed. Our sex life is amazing right now, our communication is on point, and we are so happy, and I've just been seeing that I noticed these things in the beginning. I guess I fell in love with Cody, seeing him for who he truly was, and also saw the porn fog side of him, and that confused me. Now that he has been off porn for almost 6 months I see Cody and just Cody and it's been the nicest thing.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Gracie on November 08, 2016, 06:00:59 AM
It is the nicest thing.  To see their personality come back  and see them again!  Good for you! Celebrate every victory you feel,   The book will let you see both sides of this addiction.  However, it does not give guys a pass.  We discussed a lot. While reading.  We also let each other know when something did not apply to us.  As in one person. 

You are on the way!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 13, 2016, 02:52:16 PM
I read "Love you, Hate the Porn" and the book has opened my eyes. I love it and Cody is going to start reading it now that I'm done.

Also Cody has been making a lot of progress. He opened up to me last night! I was SO over the moon. He opened up about sex and how he sometimes is embarrassed if we are having sex when he is tired, and he sometimes goes soft after having sex with me so intensely. I told him I didn't care about that and that I love him and the sex we have is great.

I am possibly starting treatment for my eating disorder later this week and I am terrified. I still have so many triggers that cause me to restrict. It's been really tough, but reading the book above really helped me.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on November 17, 2016, 01:34:44 PM
Hey that's so great that you've the book helpful and that he's opening up more. That's one area that seems to be especially hard for men in general and for porn addicts even more so, so I feel that's a really good sign.

Have you started treatment? I hope everything is going well for you individually too, you've been very quiet recently.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 20, 2016, 10:12:32 AM
Yeah I started this past week and I LOVE the place. I am really freaking out about my body because I've got my period and I'm going through refeeding so it's hell. But that is why I haven't been on, I have been SO busy I haven't picked up my laptop all week until now.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: malando on November 20, 2016, 11:03:24 AM
Glad you like the place, Anna. Best of luck with your treatment! :)
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on November 20, 2016, 01:43:14 PM
Oh I'm glad to hear you love the place, I know you were feeling very anxious about it. Sorry to hear the period has hit at the same time.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 24, 2016, 10:31:29 AM
It's week 2 of me being in treatment. I love the place, and I've never loved treatment. Though my body is going through referring changes, and I feel unattractive lots of the time, I mentally feel a lot better and more stable.

Last night Cody and I went through chapter one together in Love you, Hate Porn and even though we never ended up having sex, I still felt emotionally intimate and close and so did he. I really enjoyed that.

I did however have a dream about a best guy friend of mine last night and it made me really anxious and uncomfortable. Cody has issues with QuickSilver and Andy (fake names I use on my blog just to protect identity). I had a one night stand with Andy like ages ago, and made out with QuickSilver twice before I told him that we should be friends and only friends. QuickSilver and Andy were the friends that saved me and kept me from suicide after my last rape. They helped me through the immediate aftermath, taught me self-defense, and said I could stay at their place anytime I felt unsafe at mine (because my rapist knew where I lived). So they are very important people and friends to me.

I had a somewhat sexual dream about QuickSilver last night and  I feel guilty because I know that Cody has issues with him. Like I am not going to lie QuickSilver is really attractive, but there is no sexual tension between us and he lives in another state and I never see him. But I feel guilty and upset because I know that when Cody wakes up I am going to tell him, and I am really nervous about how he is going to react.

My dreams since I've found out about his addiction are either about porn and Cody or have QuickSilver and Andy in them. I think I dream about QuickSilver and Andy because they are my "safe" people, the people I know would be there for me if everything went wrong. So maybe I am dreaming about them because I want to feel safe???

I don't know. I just don't want Cody to be offended or hurt and think I want either of my friends because I DON'T. Cody can be jealous at times so I just idk.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: cuppatea on November 24, 2016, 01:46:17 PM
I'm not sure I would tell him because it's a dream and not a conscious thought, if you were day dreaming it then fair enough. I've been having nightmares, some about this whole porn non sense but mostly to do with my past and my counselor has said it's my subsconcious trying to make sense of the conscious stuff and that everything gets interwoven and kinda meshed together. The main nightmare I was having, which I haven't had since asking the counselor for help funnily enough, has aspects of something that really did happen from my past but it moves into a scenario that never happened, however in that scenario I get extremely humiliated in a very public and horrible way, a worst nightmare sort of way! Anyway I think for this is my brain taking the past thing that was real that I haven't properly dealt with and meshing it with the humiliation and bad feelings I have around the porn addiction and also with my fear that people are going to find out and what they will think of me if they do and then my subconscious boils it all up together and serves it up in a horrific dream that has my conscious brain going "WTF is that about, won't you just let me sleep!"

For you maybe as sex and your sexual relationship is on your mind and you are probably feeling unsafe (emotionally) with Cody right now, the two things are meshing in your dream and hence you having sex with someone you feel is safe.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on November 24, 2016, 04:58:04 PM
Well I told him because with all the lies we are living with rigorous honesty  and he was happy that I told him, and a bit unsettled but understood that QuickSilver is a safe friend of mine and understood why he might be in my dreams when we are going through rough times.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on January 08, 2017, 11:36:29 AM
I was discharged from treatment this past week. Today is my birthday and honestly I've noticed lately that I can look in the mirror and say that I am attractive. If I could have given myself any present it would be that, and knowing that I am in charge of my own happiness. Cody and I have been doing well. There are some issues that are still being worked on like maturity and such, but over all I can see the progress and effort.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Gracie on January 08, 2017, 07:47:06 PM
Happy birthday!   Always remember one day at a time.  I used to celebrate hours at a time.  (That I didn't have a tear) 
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on January 08, 2017, 09:23:24 PM
Happy Birthday! I am so glad to hear progress in the right direction! I am so happy for you!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on May 01, 2017, 07:10:20 PM
It's been a while since I posted in my journal. I kinda stayed in the backround while the whole troll stuff was going on and stopped posting for a bit. Anyways, I mentioned in the partner section how I feel down about the disconnect between my partner and I right now.

Earlier today we fought and then quickly made up and he showed emotion. I hesitantly asked if we could have sex later, and not fast fucking, but slow and meaningful sex, and he said yeah.

He got home from work and said he was too tired. I tried my best to accept it. This is like the second time in the past couple days where I tried to put myself out there for sex and got turned down... That hasn't been making me feel too good. If we can't talk, then sex is usually numb and emotionless for me and not enjoyable. When we do talk and connect which is quite short and rare, I often try to ask for sex and then it doesn't happen, and then I feel disconnected again, especially since if sex doesn't happen, I try to reconnect through talking which gets responses of, "I don't know" "not sure" "tired" "long day" "boring day" etc.

Trying to figure out how to get through this rough patch as I'm going to call it. I emailed a couples therapist about the possibility of starting couples therapy and I hope to hear back from her....

I have been fighting for 11 months for this relationship, and I know my partner has put in effort, but it seems like we are stuck right now. He says a lot but there is minimal follow through.... and it makes me not trust his word, not that I did after D-day but there are times where I trust him and have hope (like sex today) and then just let down or crushed. It seems he sometimes is oblivious to the pain or the let down, or he see's it and says sorry and we continue the rest of the evening disconnected and he then asks why and I just say I don't know because at that point I'm exhausted from trying and hoping and I'm done for the day.

I want to get that hope and fight back. I don't want to give up. I think maybe what has really gotten me down is that I finally found a ring he should be able to afford if he saves from one check (it's $97 with this mother's day sale going on), and I know he needed a new phone because he was using a phone that the battery died quickly and the sound wouldn't work from time to time, and so he got this check for $437 and he paid off the old phone ($80) and then paid for the new galaxy s8 plus accessories ($88) and he paid the phone bill($113) and then was left with practically nothing for the week or to put into his savings because we went out to dinner to attempt a date... but we didn't connect too much, but it was a bit better than the one we had a week ago where he talked about cars. I guess I feel like he still can be selfish with his money and doesn't value saving. We have a kid on the way and I have a couple hundred saved up, and it seems like he wants to spend his money on his phone and car... and I probably shouldn't be complaining, but I guess I was hoping this check was going to be the check he got me the ring... but maybe he will in the next week or so while the sale (I hope) is still going on. If not it's not the end of the world. But I guess I just hope that couples therapy can help us connect and work on the basic issues in the relationship...
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: malando on May 01, 2017, 09:16:06 PM
Hi Anna, I already replied in the other section, but I just wanted to say that I agree that your partner is being selfish with his money. There's no need to have the new Galaxy S8 - a flagship phone, when a normal cheap phone will do. Feel free to quote me to him, but he needs to get out there and make some more money! I would want to have a whole lot more money than that behind me with a baby on the way. Time to get serious and get saving! Tell him you want $2000 in the bank by the time your baby is born. Set the bar high. I personally think he needs to work harder financially - spend more time making money and less time messing around with hobbies.

That's disappointing about him not making an effort romantically. It's like he needs a shakeup every so often to wake him out of his complacency. Complacency is dangerous because that's the mentality that grew his addiction. He needs to be thinking about what your relationship and impending family needs on a DAILY basis. I'd be happy to offer him some advice and support if he could use it. Tell him he can PM me here anytime. I would like to offer any help I can to you guys. I feel like I'm in a position to pass along what I know given I've become a father and dealt with selfishness/addiction. Anyway, the offer is there if he wants it. I can be tough at times, but I am very supportive and encouraging too!

I hope things look brighter for you soon, Anna.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on May 02, 2017, 08:03:50 AM
I responded to the other post, and we did have a long talk last night. I opened up about my feelings about him and money and he agreed he was selfish. He said that he figured he was trying to get his spending out before the baby comes because he felt like he wouldn't be able to once the baby was here. I fully understand that, but we did talk about how saving is the new priority. He has his new phone, and he has worked on his car over the past month, and his birthday is tomorrow and he is getting a new guitar that he is in love with, so he should be set with material things.

We have talked about complacency many many times. Every once in a while it's true he needs a reminder that I still want some effort shown. I know that's a dangerous mentality, it's always been dangerous for me with my anorexia, the second I am like, "I'm good I can skip a meal today and it won't affect me" I am very very wrong. So I do know that complacency is not something that should be taken lightly. It's true, he doesn't always think of the DAILY things that are needed. He has been good about me being triggered lately and had some wonderful suggestions at easing the anxiety since the D-Day anniversary is up in June.

I told him to get on here and PM you. When he gets to work I hope he does. He is JediMaster.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on May 02, 2017, 04:10:18 PM
Sounds like you are communicating very well! I am glad to hear how you two are working through things. Its not easy but when you keep at it slowly it does get better. Congrats on the baby! That is exciting news! Have eight of you thought maybe of writing a letter to your child? It might include some of your hopes and things that you want to work on as far as being their mom/dad. You give it to them when they have their child and they can reflect on the parent you hoped to be and who you actually became. You also reflect on it as you are raising your child and that way it keeps you focused on what is important so you don't get distracted with the day to day life of parenting. Just a thought. I am praying for you two and am glad you are working through this!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on May 09, 2017, 02:28:00 PM
Thanks Aquarius! The letter is a good idea, I definitely want to do that.

Also I just caught him getting the engagement ring and I feel bad because he was trying to make sure everything was a surprise.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 21, 2017, 06:10:08 PM
So we are having a boy! We are so excited! Things between us are going well, and he seems to be taking the relationship recovery seriously. I hope things continue to go well! We are making our way through the packet, and he is able to balance recovery, school, and work, so that has been really nice.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on June 21, 2017, 06:21:07 PM
So glad to hear the good news!!!! Very happy for you two!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Gracie on June 22, 2017, 06:30:41 AM
Great news Anna so mu h to look forward to!2
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 22, 2017, 10:31:08 AM
Thanks! I am so happy. I went to therapy today and discussed all my nerves about parenting. I know the way I want to parent, and I do worry that our son will hate it when he see's other kids his age with phones and IPads... In all honesty, we will give our son an old fashioned burner style flip phone with no internet when he is in middle school. Then high school he can have a more high tech phone. And We don't want him to zone out behind screens growing up. We want to play board games, and sports in the yard. We hope that he can stay engaged in real life.

I worry about our son seeing other children with an abundance of devices and unlimited access and that he will want that too. I want our son to be connected to the world, not disconnected. Plus, these IPads and iPhones or Android smartphones are truly expensive and I don't even know if we will have the money to spend on that as well.

Has anyone else raised kids in today's society? How did they approach technology with their kids?
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on June 23, 2017, 01:30:03 PM
Our kids have those complaints but we talk a lot about them. They are only allowed "screen time" on the weekends. The tv isn't allowed on during the week. All screens are in the main living areas and we don't have ipads and things. They use a desktop computer to play some coding games and things. They have an xbox hooked up in the living room and that is where the movies are too. They have stopped asking for the things other kids have. When I talk with them I put it in perspective. I explain that yes, those kids get all of that technology but, our kids are allowed to actually build with power tools. We go on trips that kids don't. We do lots of things that other kids would never get the opportunity to do because they are busy with screens. It's not better or worse, it's just different. I ask my kids if they would prefer to give up all the things we do for a screen. When you put it like that they tend to be thankful for all we do as a family together and all of our adventures. They say they would rather have those experiences than an ipad every time.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 28, 2017, 10:57:44 AM
So today we had a really good moment. My anorexic thoughts (ED) has been acting up for the past three days. This morning when I got up with Cody, since he wanted my company, I was feeling like crap about my body image. We sat down to eat fruit loops before he was going to head to work. I honestly felt so guilty about eating that bowl of cereal, and he noticed and I talked about it and told him I felt guilty and was trying not to cry. He hugged me and asked me TFE (Thoughts, Feelings Emotions - I made that up ages ago and we use it on a daily basis now). I said that I had seen a picture that was possibly triggering the other day and something my sister said really triggered and hurt me. He comforted me, hugged me, wiped my tears away and told me how much he loved me. We went back to the bedroom, and he told me to get in bed. I got in bed and he started adjusting the covers and tucking me into bed and said, "I want you to go back to sleep, nap this off, and be comfortable." It was so sweet. He gave me this big seal stuffed animal we got at the aquarium that I now use as a pregnancy pillow, and sat there on the bed and basically explained to me (again) that he loves me unconditionally.

That has always been something hard for me to wrap my head around. He tried explaining unconditional love by saying that he loves me no matter what, no matter what changes my body goes through, no matter what hard times we face, etc. He also used the example of "high school" love compared to unconditional and asked me about if I ever had crushes that changed if looks changed, and I told him sometimes I thought I liked a guy, then he got a haircut and I realized I didn't. And he said that is the difference between superficial love and unconditional. I love you unconditionally, which means loving you through everything. I will always love you. After he said all that I felt so flustered. It was such a sweet proclamation of his love. Also the fact that he tucked me into bed, that was so sweet and loving. I know it's technically not romantic, but the action of taking time to talk me down, and tuck me into bed saying I should nap it off and then telling me how much he loves me meant the world to me!

He has always been, since day one, amazing about helping me when ED pops up and I have "Ed attacks" as we call them. He has been patient with me, understanding and just overall caring in that aspect. This morning just reminded that him being there, caring about me when ED pops up, has been a consistent thing since we met.

I felt so close to him before he left for work, and he said he felt close to me. We have couples therapy later, and I suggested we bring up the topic of unconditional love, because I am not sure where it comes from, but I just don't understand it when it's directed at me. Maybe it's because my closest girl friends were "frenemies" growing up. Including me in person, but always passive aggressively putting me down, and behind my back, revealing all my secrets and the things they would make me do at sleepovers, and then everyone would laugh... I lived Mean Girls for 8 years basically. So I grew up with those closest to me also hurting me, lying to me, and betraying me. So I guess ever since then, I've always been cautious of anyone who wants to get close to me, who says they care, or love me, etc.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: Gracie on June 28, 2017, 09:48:24 PM
These moments are priceless.  I know the closeness is such a warm feeling!  But when we have been through prior relationships, family, friends, and lovers, they can remove that unconditional love feeling from our lives.  They do that by all sorts of various ways.  They make us feel unworthy.  We have to do something to earn their love. 

Then when we hit the PMO train we feel that much worse.  My husband too says nconditional and he shows it.  But what is it?  Does it mean forever?  Sometimes we just need to experience good things and embrace them and let the definition come later, I think.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on July 30, 2017, 02:43:26 PM
We got married yesterday! I am so happy and just amazed at how wonderful our wedding went. it was a small wedding at my parents house and everything turned out to be so nice. I am so happy to be able to say I am his wife! I feel like I've been waiting for this day for ages. I am so proud of how far we both have come with our individual recovery and our recovery as a couple.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: malando on July 30, 2017, 03:15:47 PM
Wow, congrats Anna! I didn't realise you were getting married so soon. I'm very happy for you and Cody - may you both (and your little one) go from strength to strength. :)
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on August 04, 2017, 08:01:07 AM
Thanks Malando!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on October 06, 2017, 12:47:30 PM
So I haven't posted in a while. Things have been quite hectic. I am due on November 17th... which is coming up! Totally terrified and excited at the same time!

My husband is doing well in school, still getting A's, and very proud of him. We acquired a 1995 318i BMW a couple months ago for $300 and my husband and I have fallen in love with that car. My husband is currently in his first auto tech class (which is what he is pursuing) and loving it. He changed the rear brake discs on the bimmer and they don't even learn about brakes until the end of the semester so I am happy that my husband I guess has "natural skill" in this given it's his passion. A job recruiter from Subaru came to their class this week and had a list to sign up for their online university and the recruiter said that for those who do well on their online university and do well in the auto tech program, they will probably be reaching out to you to offer a job with paid training and benefits. So my husband is really excited, especially because there is such a need for auto techs (which I didn't realize, apparently they are 116,000 job openings for auto techs in the industry right now because of the demand).

For me, I took this semester off so I could give birth and not possibly be in NYC while in labor haha. I reached out to the Center of Family Justice (which works with domestic violence and sexual assault victims) for opportunities with internships and volunteering. Their internships are through school credit so I would have to discuss that with whatever professor I take for the internship class. I would love to intern there, and they make you go through training to be certified to work with domestic violence and sexual assault victims. The Center also offers education courses for the public, which I am thinking about taking (only costs $30 per class) since I already have a passion for that area and want to possibly go into that after getting my masters.

Relationally my husband and I are still working on things. My husband still seems to not initiate relationship recovery work. My husband has completely turned his life around with being 1 year and 4 months off PMO and I am so proud, I just wish he showed that determination when it came to rebuilding the relationship. We do have fun together, can get along, and on occasion have very intimate and emotional sex, but there is still the trust that is being worked on... trust is not yet there and I told him it wouldn't be there until there was consistency shown.

I know we are both so excited for our son to be born. He kicks me so much and I think he dropped the other day. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and I am really nervous about childbirth. I know I am getting an epidural, but very nervous about before I get it. I am not good with pain, and I know childbirth is ... well, painful. I just hope my husband and I are on a good enough note by that time.

I am thinking that if things don't shift, I need to set consequences for not doing the relationship recovery work, like not hanging out with him in the evening when he expects me to drop everything I'm doing. Or maybe if relationship recovery doesn't get done we sleep in separate beds until he gets the message. I don't know yet what consequence would be helpful, but I am thinking about it.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on March 11, 2018, 10:33:11 AM
Things have been much better. We are in couples counseling, we figured out some helpful things. Specifically having individual time before we have "us" time. Also talking more, being honest, trying to connect. Cody tries to avoid connection because of the pain it brings when talking about his addiction, but we are slowly working on that.

Baby A is a bit over 3 months and he is the most precious thing! We love him so much, and really are putting in our all to be good as individuals, parents, and as a couple.
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on March 12, 2018, 02:13:09 PM
So glad to hear that things are good and you are enjoying your little one! Congrats!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on July 30, 2018, 12:23:30 PM
I haven't been on RebootNation in a long time, been on NoFap mainly and have made some great connections and friends over there.

In my recovery it's been over 2 years post DDay, and yesterday was our one year marriage anniversary. Our son is 8 months old now. I have an online magazine and it will be one year old on August 17th.

In my own personal recovery I am doing well. Most triggers I can breathe through and stay calm and collected by. There are still some that have a PTSD immediate reaction and those are the things my husband and I still need to address.

My husband confronted his abusive/neglectful mother on July 4th. She herself is an addict to cocaine and in my opinion alcohol- or at least dependant on it. My husband is putting the pieces of his past together and having to come to some grim realizations. His mother being neglectful... mainly absent prior to the divorce, not taking care of them. She knew nannies would lock him and his siblings in closests.... she did nothing about it. His older sister told me and him about the memories she has (my husband has repressed all this abuse) and she talked about how he and his twin brother would be screaming and banging on the closet doors begging to be let out.... That breaks my heart.

It also breaks my heart that she would beat them with wooden spoons and belts.... a lot....

August 4th is marking one month since he confronted her. She said she would talk to him within the month about the tough things... she hasn't reached out. So August 4th marks one month and he plans to text her.

I know his mother is his biggest trigger, and he is severely struggling with depression... which means lack of connection between us most days... He did call my old psychiatrist the other day to get an appointment. I hope that with his therapist and getting on correct medication he can be more motivated in his own recovery and in the relationship recovery.

Financially we are SUPER tight right now because he got into a car accident last week and totaled my car. We had to use our savings to get me a car because I do need one- not only in case of emergencies for our little one, but for school and my internship.

So, doing my best to plan out things financially and pay off credit cards. I am doing my best to be a mom and run an online magazine. It's hectic for sure. Plus my internship will be starting where I will work with victims of domestic and sexual violence once a week. I am so excited for that though! I have a meeting with the head of Advocacy this wednesday and am super nervous!!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on May 31, 2019, 10:09:11 PM
It's been a while. But things are good. We have successfully repaired our marriage. I still struggle from BT triggers and such but we have really rebuilt a new life.... I hope others out there know that they too can achieve success, healing, and rebuilding!
Title: Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
Post by: aquarius25 on June 03, 2019, 07:46:56 AM
I am so happy for you two!!! So glad to hear a good outcome! It is not easy but having a relationship healing is so good to hear! Congrats again and best of luck in the years to come!